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wen-kexing-apologist · 1 year ago

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Reflections in Last Twilight

Alright, I was not really planning on writing analysis on for Last Twilight, at least not this early in the game. But my dearly beloved @dribs-and-drabbles has called to me like Beetlejuice to analyze the use of reflections in this show. Which means i have been summoned, which means, it is time to bust out the meta.

Now, having just looked back through both Episode 1 and Episode 2, there have not been that many instances of reflections in Last Twilight so far, though the ones we have had already are definitely memorable. So let’s get in to it.

Episode 1

Intro Sequence

I’m not going to talk about the reflections off the fish tank here because the actual scene they are tied to comes in Episode 2 and I think there will be a whole lot more to say then. But I do want to acknowledge that we will be getting reflections at the beginning of every episode, and that Aof is already establishing the important symbolism of fish and jasmine.

The first actual reflection we get in Last Twilight comes in the form of Mhok in the side mirror of his sister Rung’s car.

Rung's car has been sitting in Pae's garage for a year at this point. It would be gathering dust if Pae hadn't spent time over the course of that year meticulously maintaining her vehicle. In fact, that is the very first thing we see happen in this workshop. Pae taking car of Rung's car in her and Mhok's sted. Taking care of this car was not his job, we can assume that he did not anticipate the time commitment that would come with maintaining possession of Rung's car while Mhok was in jail, but he has set himself up to task and gone, in my opinion, above and beyond what was expected of him by continuing to maintain her car.

Pae is surprised when Mhok hands him the spare key and says Pae can sell the car. Mhok at this point is in the anger stage of grief. He blames Rung for her death, and wants to absolve himself of the grief and guilt by maintaining the idea that Rung was to blame and to try to rid himself of any and all reminders of his sister. Mhok, as we know, is incredibly alone. His mother died when they were young, his sister has died, he is no longer associated with his friends/coworkers from his old shop after they all got arrested, and he hides as much as he can from Pae. Mhok has Phorjai and Phorjai only as any sort of support system, and she's his ex-girlfriend, so I don't think we need to go too in depth to acknowledge the complications there.

Mhok wants to forget his grief, his pain, and I appreciate greatly that Pae won't let him do that. That Pae knows Mhok enough to understand that the second that Pae sells that car, Mhok is going to regret letting it go. So he extends another six months grace period to let Mhok actually think it over. Mhok looks over the car, at the bandaid that Rung put on the little scratch she got her first day owning the car, in the glove compartment where all the handouts for her failed budiness are. And Pae allows Mhok a minute alone, in the dark of his sister's car.

At which point we get the reflection. Now, personally I think Jimmy has some work to do as an actor, which means it feels harder for me to accurately read Mhok's face/emotional state. But, for me, here, Mhok looks *tired*, but most importantly, he is trapped in the frame of the side mirror, he is stuck in the dark, and he is alone. In just one small frame, Aof is showing us the aspects of Mhok's character that will help him recognize himself in Day, and tell us why Mhok needs the relationship he has (or will have) to Day.

This is the only actual reflection we see in Episode 1.

But I do want to comment on the end of the episode, like everyone else has, about part of the *The Little Prince* reading that Mhok does at the end. Namely the line "what is essential is invisible to the eye".

I don't think, in a show with going blind as a part of its central theme that we really *need* to look deeper in to the significance/meaning of this line. But because I have been asked to talk about reflections, I want to go a little overboard on the line reading here. Because, day to day we can't see ourselves, right? We wouldn't know exactly what we look like if we couldn't look in to a mirror. Mirrors, reflections, are often a subject of insecurity, providing us the opportunity to pick at every flaw. In mirrors, dancers can watch and correct themselves, their body positions, tweak their choreography based on what they see that they normally would not be able to. Actors can practice facial expressions in the mirror, figure out how they have to hold themselves to make their emotions believable. In horror movies, mirrors show us what lurks in the background, in spy movies it shows us what exists around the corner. And in our deepest moments of guilt or shame, facing ourselves in the mirror becomes a challenge.

I don't want to get too ahead of myself on predictions about this show and what Aof is planning on doing with it, but personally I think the use of mirrors/reflections is a perfect way to show what is essential and invisible to the eye. Mhok is not looking at himself in the mirror here, and if we were standing in the room with him, we would not be able to see his face at all. But the side mirror of Rung's car allows us to see what Mhok is thinking and feeling. But he isn't looking in the mirror himself. He isn't and hasn't started facing or confronting his own grief, isolation, or pain. I don't know that Mhok is as of yet capable of seeing what he needs to change in his own life, because he hasn't reflected on his own life.

Episode 2

The first "reflection" we get in Episode 2 is not really a reflection, at least in the traditional sense, but I do still want to talk about it. I am of course talking about the selfie with Aon.

Mostly because I wanted to acknowledge that to me, a photo is a kind of reflection in that you can both look back at yourself and also reflect on the memory of the time. To be honest, I don’t know exactly how I feel about Aon taking this picture of Mhok, because he takes it for the Society for the Blind. But how are they using it? Is this evidence that Mhok is here and doing what he said he will, or is this going to be used in marketing of some sort? Either way, it is capturing a moment in time that Mhok could one day look back on to reminisce about the beginning of his relationship with Day.

And here Mhok is with someone else, a second person to accompany him where before he just had himself. But this is fake, this is quick, this is right after Mhok has just been shut out of all proceedings between Aon and Day. Mhok doesn’t know what’s happening before he is being told to smile for the camera. And if anyone were to see this photo, they would see a very happy Aon and a decently confused Mhok, but they would have no idea how limited a connection to Aon, Mhok would have had at this point.

The next reflection is a bit difficult to see, but it comes during the conversation Day has with Mhok about the eye drops, where he explains he can see more clearly right after he uses them. In this scene, Day is talking to Mhok while keeping his gaze affixed to the lone goldfish in his increasingly grimier tank.

Mhok and Day have a brief conversation about whether or not the fish is lonely since it is the only one in the tank, and Day brushes it off by saying that goldfish have short memory and that it couldn’t possibly be lonely.

But, whenever we see Day on screen here, we see his reflection in the glass of the tank. And there are a few great moments during this conversation where the goldfish sits directly in front of Day’s reflection. To me it feels like a memory, a ghost, or a projection, and we know by the end of Episode 2, (if we haven’t picked up on it already from the title sequence or how heavily goldfish imagery has features in the promotional material for this show) that the goldfish is a stand in for Day himself.

So I love the fact that we get this wisp of an image of Day’s face in the tank, like he’s trapped inside of it. Because we know that in a way he is. And the other thing I love about this, or rather about the fact that this goldfish is meant to symbolize Day himself, is that watching this goldfish is what brings Day the most joy at the moment.

I love that because it shows me that there is hope and joy still left in Day, if he can just take the time to look at himself a little differently.

OKAY it’s time for the Big Boys.

Our first instance of an actual reflection off a mirror in Episode 2 happens when Mhok is trying to check in with Day after Day runs away from Night’s friends. Mhok has said that he understands Day, and Day Does Not Like That™.

Day’s response to Mhok’s monologue is to say that Mhok has no idea what it is like to look in the mirror and not see your old self. And of course, we see Day’s reflection in his full body mirror. Now, again, Aof is being pretty heavy handed with his metaphors here. But that doesn’t mean I don’t absolutely love the double meaning of these words. Day is going blind so he literally can’t see himself in the mirror anymore.

But also, Day is deep in his grief for the things he has lost. His freedom, his career, his confidence that I think he has morphed in to a completely different person. One who is bitter, and self-conscious, and more comfortable hiding away where he can wallow in misery over his condition and not have to confront the new world he is living in. Day is running from connection, I mean not a minute before this scene Day legitimately ran away from Night’s friends rather than have to explain his blindness.

The scene continues, and Day shuts himself off even further from the world around him, by putting in his headphones. Now he can drown out Mhok’s attempts to comfort him, but in the long run what is that going to do? As @shortpplfedup said to me earlier “the set dressers did not come to play” when it came to designing Day’s room. When the curtains aren’t drawn there is so much natural light in Day’s room. His walls are bright and colorful, there are photos and awards all over the place. Day’s room has so much personality in it, so much life within it. But the mirror shows nothing. It shows Day alone, surrounded by blank walls in grayscale.

The costume designer made an excellent choice of shirt for this scene, by the way. Because the yellow blends in enough with the wall in Day’s room, that (especially) when coupled with the camera’s focus in this scene. The real Day almost fades in to the background, and your eye is naturally drawn to this spot of yellow in the mirror.

The mirror highlights his isolation while at the same time showing the audience how much Day can and does stand out.

AND it parallels the reflection of Mhok in Episode 1 so well, not just in the emotions that we see from Mhok and Day, but in the sense that Mhok’s reflection is in Rung’s car because he is currently trapping himself in the darker, meaner thoughts about his sister, rather than processing his grief. While Day’s reflection is in his room because he is currently trapping himself in the darker, meaner thoughts about himself, rather than giving himself enough compassion to start moving forward.

When Day does not respond to Mhok’s conversation, Mhok is triggered at the thought of his sister’s death and he breaks down the door to make sure Day is okay, and gets fired for it. Mhok does not argue, he does not put up a fight, he does not try to explain, he just honors Day’s request and gets the fuck out. And I love the way that Mhok is already starting to change Day’s outlook. Because we see how mopey Day is after Mhok leaves, and how much hope there is in him when Night tells him there is someone at the door who wants to see him and he so obviously thinks it’s Mhok.

Mhok gives him the gift of the fish slippers, and Day goes to visit Mhok at the market, only to find out that Mhok has spent time reflecting on what Day told him about not understanding him, and making a fool out of himself in the eyes of the other market patrons by blindfolding himself.

Mhok is doing what no one else has really done and is making a concerted effort to truly understand where Day is coming from, the fears that he is carrying, and the challenges he faces as a blind man.

But of course, we know by now that while there are definitely things Mhok is had not or might never understand about the physical realities of Day’s life, he can understand loneliness, and he can understand rage, pain, and anger. There are parts of himself that have grown within him over the past year that recognizes parts of Day that have grown within him over the past year.

And we have already been seeing the impact of Mhok on Day’s life, in the fact that Day has smiled more, Day has left his room, Day has eaten at the table, and agreed to watch a movie. And that singular day where Day did not wallow in his own misery, but left his room, went out in the sun, etc stuck with him because he is in the living room watching a movie the day Phorjai comes to visit.

Culminating in the second real reflection of Episode 2, where Mhok, via the side mirror, sees Day smiling on the back of his scooter. And what I love about this moment is that the focus is entirely on Day. I don’t want Last Twilight to strip Day’s healing processes from him and give them to Mhok. I think it is totally fine for Mhok to contribute to Day’s increasing happiness, but ultimately I want Day to have enough autonomy in this narrative that these decisions that lead to him enjoying his life again are primarily comprised of Day’s own choices. And I think that we can get something visually from that by the fact that we don’t see a lot of Mhok in this reflection, only one small portion of his chin.

Day made the choice to have Phorjai take him to see Mhok, Day made the choice to rehire Mhok, and Day is the one having a moment on the back of this scooter just reveling in the feeling of the wind on his face. I love that this reflection shows just enough of Mhok to show that Day is not alone, while still putting all of the attention in the reflection on to Day and the joy he is feeling.

The idea that Day is no longer alone is reinforced after Mhok makes a pit stop to purchase a companion for the goldfish in Day’s room. And again we get in to some of my favorite instances of reflection in Last Twilight, where we place the boys’ reflections in the fish tank.

And this is where the images from the intro sequence come from. Day looking at Day Noi and Big Mhok interacting with each other in the tank. Here we still have Day alone in the reflection, with the goldfish tying him to this symbolism. But Day’s reflection is so much clearer now that the tank has been cleaned. Now Day’s reflection in the water tank is far more obvious, and hey, since it’s me, I’ll overanalyze this moment to say that as Day has gotten to know Mhok a bit and has started venturing outside of his room more, that Day is getting a clearer vision of himself as a person. Regardless, we as the audience can see Day’s reflection in the tank all the more clearly and that reflection is vibrant and bright, because Day is becoming more vibrant and bright.

“No More Loneliness Little Day” Mhok says and we get MY FAVORITE SHOT OF THE SHOW THUS FAR

The split screen. It’s not even a reflection, but I am talking about it here, because I think the absence of reflection is just as important as its presence, and I love that we have this moment where half of Day’s face is crystal clear and the other half is completely obscured. There is no trace of it. Considering how much Aof has been turning the camera on Day’s vision, we aren’t that far off of what Day sees in this shot. I like that this image has Day straddling these two worlds.

And we get the final reflection of Episode 2, Mhok’s face in the fish tank.

Again, I don’t even know that this is really intentional or it is just the way the reflection happened to have occurred, but I love the fact that not all of Mhok’s face is present within the fish tank. I like that Mhok is slowly encroaching on Day’s space, that Mhok is slowly starting to appear in the parts of Day’s life that Day actually cares about. Mhok is lonely and Day is lonely, and they have finally found someone they might be able to connect to. Big Mhok is there for Day Noi and Mhok is there for Day.

I love that while the fish themselves are able to cross those barriers and that we get to see the fish swimming up and next to each other, that we have yet to see Mhok and Day’s reflections fully together. Even here, Mhok’s reflection in the fish tank is alone, just like Day’s reflection in the fish tank was alone. But they are in the same place, they are in the same room, they are in the same tank, they are in the same stage of their grief (anger) and there is no way in hell we don’t get one or more reflections in the mirror or in the fish tank by the end of this show where Mhok and Day are both fully present.

#last twilight #last twilight the series #last twilight analysis #jimmysea #mhokday #mhok x day #aof noppharnach #gmmtv #thai bl

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avianyuh · 3 months ago

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Too Late?///Yang Jungwon

You had been friends with Jungwon for about a year. In that time, mentally at least, it felt like you had gone through the five stages of grief. Mainly because over the time you had become friends, you had developed feelings for him. He was kind and always so considerate of you and just about everyone else in his inner circle. Not to mention he had that leader aura around him, he was just so responsible and interesting to watch. Who wouldn’t catch feelings?

Problem was, you were 99% sure that he didn’t reciprocate your feelings. He was sweet and caring, but not just towards you. He was like that with everybody…So how could you be sure he was giving you “extra” attention or sending you secret love signals?

About three months ago, while out with Jungwon getting coffee you thought, just for a second, that there was a possibility of him viewing you as more than a friend. “You know my friend Gabby right?”, you asked, glancing up from the table to look at him. He had a hat on, trying to keep the sun out of his eyes since we were sitting outside. Both of you had been busy with your respective jobs, so this particular day was more of a catch up. He squinted, something he seemed to do when he was thinking, before responding back with a. “I think so…”

“She wants me to go out with her and her boyfriend next Friday, they want to introduce me to this guy…”, you tried to sound nonchalant. Your thought process was that maybe, just maybe if there was a potential “threat”, Jungwon might make a move. You tried to analyze his face, look for any crack of emotion. Surprise, sadness, shock, anger? Jungwon was silent for a few seconds, but he did raise his eyebrows, which you didn’t know how to interpret.

“She’s setting you up on a date?”, he laughed, throwing his head back. You rolled your eyes as you waited for him to calm himself down.

“It’s not that funny Jungwon…”

“Yeah it is. I can’t imagine you going on a blind date. You’ll never show, you’d get too nervous.”, he explained, staring into your eyes intently.

“That’s not true!”, you exclaimed, “I’m…I’m actually really looking forward to it”, you lied, turning your head to the side so you didn’t have to look at him. Though he didn’t encourage you to go on the date, he still didn’t tell you anything of substance. Specifically something like, Go out with me instead.

“Well, I am going on the date, I just wanted to tell you since we’re friends and that’s what friends do.”, he got quiet as he picked up his drink and took a sip. When he put it back down, he opened his mouth, like he was going to say something, but then he seemed to change his mind.

“What?”, you questioned. “You were about to say something”.

“No, it’s nothing”, he responded. You didn’t understand why he was being so evasive.

“Jungwon, I’m gonna annoy you until you tell me.”,you whined.. “Please, please, what is it”, you started to plead, but then he cut you off.

“Alright, alright. I don’t think you should go, that’s all. It’s a waste of time. There might be someone better.”, Still being evasive. But you’d be lying if you didn’t admit, it was sort of what you wanted to hear. But still, you couldn’t be completely sure.

“Um, who? You know someone who’s interested?”you probed.

“Maybe”, he said slyly.

“Who?”, you asked again. Maybe this was it, maybe he did have feelings for you. So, it wasn’t all in your head?

“I don’t know, I think I have a friend who mentioned you once, but I don’t remember who.” And with that, you felt your heart sink. Either he was telling the truth, or he didn’t want to admit to anything. Either way, you were stuck. Some people might have just right then and there confessed to him. And part of you wanted to do just that. Tell Jungwon how you felt. But, you started out as friends and if he rejected you, that not only meant you’d end up with a bruised ego, but probably would end up losing him as a friend. That was a risk you weren’t willing to take.

The next day, you relayed your conversation to Jungwon to Gabby.

“You know he likes you, right? I mean…it’s obvious.”, she explained as we sat on her bed. You sighed and shook your head.

“I don’t think so. I feel like if he did, he would’ve said it by now.” Gabby side-eyed me as she sat up.

“Girl, that was his way of saying it. This is the same guy that buys you random things when he goes on trips and then when you ask why he got you gifts, he says that he was thinking of you. That’s something a guy would do if he’s interested in you! Shit, my own boyfriend doesn’t do that…” You laughed, but had to admit that Gabby had a point.

“Ugh”, you covered your face with a pillow, “Then what do I do? Should I go out with your friend? I mean, I told Jungwon and he didn’t seem to be that bothered. He told me that he has a friend who’s interested in me. I feel like I’m being auctioned off or something…”

“What friend?”Gabby asked, “Does he have a name.”you uncovered your face and looked up at her.

“No, he didn’t give me a name.”

“That’s because HE is the friend. He made it up to buy himself time.”

And you truly believed that.

But, the date came and went. But surprisingly, you actually hit it off with this friend of Gabby’s. He was sweet, seemed really interested and for once, got your mind off of Jungwon. So the next morning, you woke up to a text from Jungwon asking how it went. When you responded back explaining that you really liked this new guy, Jungwon simply sent back an eye roll.

And now, it’s been three months. You now had a boyfriend that wasn’t Jungwon. And you thought that you were over him. So when he reached out for your annual coffee catch up, you thought it was just that, a catch up.

You did the same routine as always. You met up outside, went in and ordered and then sat at the same table back outside. You started off by asking about the tour that was coming up, to which he dismissed rather quickly.

“So, I guess you have a boyfriend now…”, he said hesitantly. “Are you happy?”, he questioned.

“What do you mean?”, you responded back.

“Well, I don’t know, sometimes you aren’t happy in a relationship. Maybe if it’s not the right person…” The minute he said it, you felt like you had a weight in your stomach.

“Jungwon, what are you implying? You haven’t even met him yet?”

“I don’t want to meet him.”, he snapped.

“Why? Aren’t you happy for me? I mean, I’ve wanted to be in a relationship for a long time.”

“If you wanted one, why didn’t you ask me?”, he yelled. I stared at him in shock. All this time and I was right?

“Why didn’t you ever say anything Jungwon? Now I’m with someone else…”

“I didn’t want to ruin our friendship if you didn’t feel the same way.”

“That’s why I didn’t say anything either…”

{A/N: Dudes, I have writers block, which is why you haven't heard from me in over a month, but I felt bad so I write this last night. By no means is this my best work (duh), but...it's something and it's pretty dialogue heavy. Maybe I'll make a part two if anyone likes this. I know I don't normally write for Enhypen, but XO slapped lmao, I keep listening to it. And I gotta admit, I kinda have a crush on Jungwon lmao. So, yeah, that's why you're getting this fic. Hope everyone has a lovely day/night/ whenever!, I do have a request that I haven't written yet, which should come out soon, so if you sent it in, I promise that I will eventually write that for you. Peace yall✌️}

P.S. If there's typos, I'll come back and edit later

#enhypen #jungwon #enhypen x reader #enhypen fic #jungwon fic #yang jungwon #idk i have writers block #cliffhanger #sry

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souled-out-2023 · 2 years ago

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Breakup: lean into hope

When I was in the early stages of my breakup, a lot of really intense feelings swallowed me up and made it hard to focus on everyday activities. It truly felt like those emotions weren’t ever going away, like I would be stuck forever in that mess of longing, guilt, sadness, anger, loneliness, et cetera. A great relief and an anchor for me was looking to the future, and having hope that things would turn out better over time. Hoping that all the things I had been missing and struggling with in the last year would run their course and bloom with new opportunities.

Of course, this is easier said than done. It’s difficult to pull yourself out of that hole when it’s so much more natural to just dwell. Honestly, I even felt guilty sometimes for trying to just not think about the breakup. I tried to remind myself in the midst of all the grief, though, that I deserved happiness. I at least deserved some temporary peace from all the tears and reminiscing, and I found that temporary peace in working to the future. I sought out some self-help advice on the Internet and TikTok (one of my favorite creators is Shelby Sacco on Instagram and TikTok. She has a lot of great breakup and self-improvement advice). I wrote down my goals and affirmations, and journaled more often. I reached out to some old friends and tried to focus on the things coming up that I was excited for. I played intramurals with my friends, and tried to get more social, to meet new people and go to new places. The cool things, big or small, that I had lined up for the coming weeks gave me ways to look forward to waking up each day.

It’s difficult when your whole world is crashing down, to feel like everything is changing for the better. But chances are, it is. That clarity just takes time to find, and it comes bit by bit. It’s been about 5 months since my breakup, and almost 3 from cutting contact. Despite a lot of hard nights, a lot of difficult feelings that still come and go, I know I made the right decision. I don’t love how things ended, and I have plenty of regrets, but I still know I’m doing better now than I would have been if I stayed. It’s scary to make those changes, and hard to deal with all the leftover feelings that come from a hard breakup. However, it’s rewarding to feel your life changing for the better, moment by moment. I look at where my life is now, and see all the cool things I was able to do during my breakup despite all that pain. I also see the amazing things I have planned for the future, from my major, to events with my friends, to sports, to clubs, to summer activities, to next year in college.

Now, I’m not saying you should pressure yourself to be fine, to go out and accomplish every single thing on your bucket list. You’re going through a huge life change, so be kind to yourself. Rest, and make times to do things that help you relax, that let you slow down. Take your time healing; you’re no less valuable or important just because you were too upset to get to the gym today. I’ve done so, so much sitting around and crying to sad songs in the past few months, and I think that’s equally important. (More on that in another post.) I talk about the future not because you should be pressuring yourself into productivity, but because making plans and setting goals can be a source of inspiration and excitement. If you’re looking at the ways your life can change for the better, all the beautiful things you can do to grow into yourself without that person, the breakup can feel much more bearable.

So, the point: Lean into hope for the future. Have faith that eventually, this pain and tumult will fade to leave you with fantastic results.

#relationship advice #breakup advice #breakup #life advice #healing

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bisluthq · 7 months ago

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It’s so refreshing to come here and see nuanced convos about Matty and not just burying him cause he gives you the ick. The other blogs won’t discuss him at all which is crazy since he’s the subject matter for most of this album! Or they buy into the “she was manic!” thing cause it’s easier for them to stomach.

My theory is this album isn’t the “five stages of grief that Taylor went through” like fans theorized it would be. It was meant to be the five stages of grief the FANS will go through. 😂 They are mostly still be stuck in the denial phase. Some are in anger though. They are grappling with understanding Taylor might not be who they thought she was or just that they didn’t know her as well as they thought. I do think this album is a turning point for Taylor and we will be seeing a different side of her from now on. She’s done almost no promo. I kinda think she’s gonna stop with the easter eggs too. I think she’s breaking down the Taylor Swift™️ and gonna be more authentic which probably means more private too. But we shall see. I’m proud of her for letting her work speak for itself!!

I'm expecting not a complete stop of Easter Eggs but she's been slowing down with them for years now because I think she realised it makes people delulu. She's tried making them like normal puzzle things yk and that's fun but fans can't stop won't stop and look for really bizarre shit and no I don't think she appreciates that. I also think she's had very few 'Easter Eggs' about real people since 1989 TV - obviously a few Rep MVs reference Joe in subtle ways and Lavender Haze has the Pisces and whatnot but I don't think those are 'eggs' - I think she's just including things that are representative of what the song means to her into her work. And I agree that she's kinda just... putting shit out into the ether and going "take it or leave it, I know you're just gonna TAKE TAKE TAKE anyway".

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fndawerness · 2 years ago

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Let’s talk about it - After being diagnosed

Most of us have experienced grief of some form by the time we reach adulthood. The loss of a friend, family member, or pet can be devastating and difficult to move through. The kind of grief I’d like to talk about is the kind brought on by chronic illness.

It is similar in many ways to traditional grief. We go through some or all of the stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Yet some how it’s different. Only a person going through chronic illness can understand the type of grief that it brings on, and what that encompasses.

Denial: FND is often a misunderstood illness. Some medical professionals are convinced that it’s “just a mental illness.” When receiving a diagnosis of FND, you may go through a form of denial. I sure did. I saw the words “conversion disorder” and thought, “I’m not making this $%^^ up! I don’t walk around acting stoned and losing my balance for fun…WTF?” I was certain that it must be something else, something that can be fixed, cured, medicated away…ANYTHING! I continued to go to work through the worst symptoms, trying to maintain the same level of productivity and normalcy I’d had before getting sick. Trying to continue the same level effort only made the symptoms worse. Of course It wasn’t until a neurologist explained it as a problem with the functioning of the wiring of the brain/CNS that I was able to come to terms with this diagnosis and move through the denial.

Anger: Then came the anger. Anger that an illness can take away all the things I used to be able to do. I was embarrassed to speak to people due to losing my train of thought, being unable to find words, or slurring words. I was embarrassed by my unbalanced gait, and frequent stumbles. I began to avoid socializing to save myself the humiliation. That burned into an ember of resentment. “How could this have happened? I do everything right; I don’t smoke, or do drugs, I eat healthy, I don’t drink often, I exercise regularly. This is ridiculous.” I became impatient with myself, and at times with others. I was beginning to lose my independence, and therefore my identity. Perhaps you’ve felt the same way?

Anger is a very slippery slope, so don’t lose your footing and let it get the better of you. When we suffer from an illness that takes away our independence anger can become a way of hiding what’s really going on: frustration at feeling no sense of control. Asking for help is so difficult at times. Especially if you’re known as being a fiercely independent person. But truly, it’s not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of courage. It takes immense courage to allow people to see you when you’re vulnerable. The people that love us are feeling helpless and at a loss of what to do. When we ask for help, we are offering them an opportunity to show their love for us. It can enable them and us to work through the anger that comes with grief. So, when someone comes to you and says “What do you need? Can I do anything for you?” Tell them what you need and be specific. “I need help vacuuming, walking the dog, getting groceries, etc.” Tell them what you need, and thank them for their help. It is healing for both the giver and the receiver.

Bargaining: This one is tricky. When we get stuck on comparing ourselves now to the person we used to be, that's bargaining. The truth is chronic illness changes you, in every way possible. It's ok to think about the things we used to be able to do before FND. The problem arises when we begin to ruminate on those lost abilities, and look upon what we are capable of now of as "less than." Do we look at a person who is going through chemo and say, "What are you doing complaining about being tired? Just get up and go!" NO OF COURSE WE DON'T!!! Why then do we beat ourselves up for the things we can no longer do because of our illness?? Makes no sense at all does it? All of us with FND have a fear that the illness will get worse. We develop anxiety over losing our independence/job/career, etc. And yes, those things are a possibility, but so is recovery. There's always a chance that we will experience remission, or perhaps regain some of our lost function. Focusing on the things we CAN do is certainly going to help us progress better than focusing on what we've lost. Today maybe you can only walk to the front door, tomorrow maybe you can make it down to the sidewalk. Doesn't seem like much to some, but to a warrior it's the beginning of greater things to come.

Depression: This one is a nasty piece of work. I'm going to be honest here; DEPRESSION SUCKS. It not only sucks the energy out of you, but of everyone around you. It can be one of the most difficult areas of chronic illness to overcome. FND can take away from us our ability to walk, to speak, to work, to think clearly, independence, etc. FND brain fog can make even the smallest tasks feel overwhelming. Socializing in large groups or areas of loud noise with lots of activity can bring about the brain fog. So then we stop going out, and we begin isolating ourselves from others. We may stop visiting friends, or inviting people over because we don’t want them to see us on our bad days. We can become a shadow of the person we used to be. These are all signs of depression. When we only visit people on our “good days” we become unwitting endorsers of the idea that we are actually just fine. If you are suffering from depression, you are not alone. It can plague anyone, at any time, and for no reason at all. Please reach out to your doctor, call a friend, and seek support. Do it quickly. Do it now.

Acceptance: Accepting a diagnosis of FND looks different for each of us. It can happen at that moment, in the clinic when the doctor finally labels all of the symptoms you've been going through. It may happen later, after you've done a bit of research and realized you haven't been imagining the symptoms you've been experiencing all this time. Or it can be a slow realization that happens over time, as you begin the work to regain some of what you've lost. Acceptance involves self compassion; being kind to yourself, knowing that just because you can't do something today, it doesn't mean you can't try again tomorrow. It means celebrating the small things. By the way, we all get fooled into thinking life is about the BIG stuff. (Going to university, getting a job, getting married, having kids, buying a car, etc etc. ) Guess what? We're wrong. Life is about the little things. Life is about that amazing cup of coffee you are having this morning. It's the hug from your little one with the sloppy, drooly kisses on the cheek. It's your dog greeting you every time you walk in the door like you've been away for YEARS! It's the hug you give a friend when they're crying, or the lame dad jokes you share with your kids. FND can never take away the little things that matter. FND will knock you down, accept the diagnosis, brush the dirt off, and get to work doing the best you can do, no matter how small it may be. Remember, you are an FND warrior, surrounded by an army of people just like you. Together, we can conquer anything.

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give-soup-please · 2 years ago

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What if, just what if: Reader is the bucket and Narrator is going through stages of grief falling in love with it, the stages aren't even going in the right order

...

Yeah 👍

Reader is the bucket, and the narrator is in love

(I’m going to assume this is more metaphorical than the reader being the literal in-game bucket. If not, shoot me the prompt again when my inbox is open, and I'll rewrite it.)

First comes anger. The narrator is furious that he was caught off guard like this. He shouldn’t be having feelings for you, you’re unreachable. A giant barrier prevents the two of you from having a romantic relationship. He’s stuck in the game, and you’re stuck in the real world. There’s no possible way this could work. Stanley climbs out of the window holding the bucket, the screen goes black, and the bucket is slain with several knives.

Serves you right for stealing his heart. He didn’t ask for this. He didn’t ask for any of this to happen. He loves you, and he hates himself for it. He praises Stanley for getting rid of the bucket, despite knowing that nothing is going to change.

Next, comes depression. The narrator mopes because he wants nothing more than to be with you, but he can’t. Even when you spend time with him in the game, not knowing the effect you have on him, he can’t be cheered up. He’ll never know if you feel the same way, there’s no way for you to tell him about how you are doing. He will never get a reaction from you. Stanley wasn’t equipped for such things. He goes to the press conference, bucket in hand…

“And Stanley, having for once in his life discovered the warmth and comfort of true companionship, was cast back into the uncompromising normalcy of loneliness.”

Next comes denial. He’s not in love with you. How could he be? You’re just a faceless player. You could be literally anyone, and the narrator refuses to accept that you’re special and unique. You don’t mean anything to him. Maybe this time, when he thinks it, it will be true. Maybe this time. “Oh no- I’m having feelings. For the bucket. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, What’s going on?”

Next, there’s acceptance. Alright, he loved you. He wanted to be with you, listen to you, do anything you asked of him. There wasn’t much point in running from it anyway. The narrator’s emotions have always run deeper than most people, and for you, he feels most deeply of all. “Was I lonely? Yes, perhaps that’s it. Perhaps I needed to imagine I had companionship.” He sighs, and settles within himself. At least you don’t seem to be going anywhere. Paranoia lances through him. But supposing you do? Suppose you put the game down one day, and he never sees you again? The narrator needs to find a way to make his feelings clear.

Finally, he bargains. “Until finally the truth hit Stanley square in the face. This building did not want the bucket to leave! Even the facility itself (narrator) had recognized the incredible calming presence of the bucket, needed the soothing warmth of the bucket, would go to any lengths to not part with the bucket. No, no, no. Stanley can’t leave this place. Not while he has such a precious bucket in his arms. Not while this building (narrator) has anything to say about it.”

Okay, less bargaining, more him clinging to you desperately. Who said grief was linear and made sense anyway? He loves you, damn it, and he’s going to do everything in his power to keep you engaged and by his side.

(Honestly, I love the theory that states the bucket is the player and stanley is the narrator. It makes for very, very interesting interpretations of his dialogue. If you look at it through that lens, the narrator is constantly simping for us or acting jealous. Absolutely delightful.)

#the stanley parable #tsp narrator #headcanon #answered ask #tsp #stanley parable #narrator #tsp narrator x reader

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ouiagon · 2 years ago

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BYLER S4 ANALYSIS - Byler still has a good chance at being endgame and here's why (warning, this post is gonna be long)

Okay so, if any of you guys have been seeing my posts show up in the tags, you'll know that I was just as mad at everyone else after vol.2 dropped. We were immediately disappointed, angered, horrified, and depressed from what the last two episodes had to show - it was what everyone had started to call the worst queerbait in history (even though really there has been worse, we were just dramatic sdjfjg). I was on that boat initially - I literally felt knots in my stomach reading the liveblogged posts saying we lost. When I finally got the chance to watch episode 8 (I didn't watch both episodes at the same time), I sobbed at the scene with Will giving Mike the painting because it was just too painful. Using Will's beautiful love for Mike just to push El and Mike to get back together? There wasn't any worse way the Duffers could've possibly baited us, even if they killed Will or Mike off instead.

However, I finally got to watch episode 9 and I've been reading the analysis and hope-filled posts in the tag as well for the past couple of days. As a lot of people have joked we've been going through extreme versions of the stages of grief, but there really are valid points being made here and our emotional whiplash isn’t without good reason. And frankly, looking at S4 objectively, while it built up some great aspects about Byler I’m actually glad they’re taking the pace they are to build their relationship up. And that is the exact purpose of why S4 was left off the way it was - Byler is simply being built up even more to be endgame, and here’s why I think so based off of the evidence I’ve seen.

1. Mike’s monologue did not repair his and El’s relationship (romantically) and El has already moved on.

A lot of people think El as a character has regressed this season because of her relying on Mike again, and I thought so too initially until I actually watched the episodes for myself. This exchange in particular stuck out to me, and a lot of bylers have noticed the peculiarity of this as well.

If the writers really wanted us to believe that Mike’s monologue repaired their relationship, why would they write this line in? Sure, they didn't have to show them being all couple-y considering the serious events that were transpiring, but they could've easily left the line out to make us think everything was fine between them. They specifically wrote this line to clue us, the audience, in on the fact that Mike's monologue did not fix anything in regards to their romantic relationship. Of course Eleven needs time to take into account everything that’s happened to her and her loved ones, but personally, I think if Melvin really was endgame they’d show at least one conversation between her and Mike. If they had a conversation where El says “I love you” back to Mike and they smile at each other lovingly, I would have truly lost hope in Byler possibly being endgame. But they didn’t. Guess which pair had a heart-to-heart instead? Mike and Will.

The dialogue and framing they have here parallels the spy scene in S2 very heavily, and the fact that this is the lead-in to season 5 is pretty telling that it’s gonna have a lot of Byler focus.

Emotionally, El was much more focused on Max and Hopper for the whole season. Her letters to Mike were all filled with lies and she continued to lie to him in person. She and Mike are not connected on a deeper emotional level, and it seems like she had realized this during her time in the NINA project. Not even once was she shown to be thinking about Mike while isolated - she only showed concern for her friends in Hawkins, all of her friends as a whole. Her entire arc during the NINA project was her coming into her own, realizing she is not a monster but a human being and she is capable of making her own choices. When El was thinking about her memories with Max, she specifically thought of the moments Max was teaching her to be an individual in S3, to not rely on "stupid boys" to force what's right for her and to explore what she wants (”Not Hopper. Not Mike. You).

She had a much more emotional reaction to Mike’s words when he started to shout that she has to fight; she remembered her anger, her pain, but most importantly her true reason for fighting - to save her friends’ lives. El has realized that her "romantic" love with Mike has been holding her back, and what she wants more than anything is just familial and friendship bonds. This is also apparent when El went with Owens and left a letter for mike, signing it “From El” instead of “Love El” - I think she’s already moved on from loving Mike in that sense since episode 4. This is apparent in Eleven’s reunions with Mike and Will as well; Milkvan's reunion was sweet, but Will and El's was just as sweet and emotional. Both reunions were equally focused on and lacked any romantic connotations.

Mike parallels El’s father figures (something that has been noticed for a while now but is especially prevalent here).

A subtle but big reason why El has stopped seeing Mike in a romantic light is because he so often parallels the father figures in El's life. He is the only character other than Hopper to repeat "bitchin'" to her, he paralleled Brenner several times this season, and even his reunion with El in season 2 directly parallels with El's and Hop's reunion at the end of season 4.

The way Mike talks to El never comes across as romantic but paternal/brotherly ever since the very first season. In pretty much most conversations we see them have in S4, he’s either teaching her something new about the world or is purposefully acting more goofy and exaggerated to make her laugh while putting on a brave face (the skating rink “I’m like Bambi on ice” scene, the pizza sunglasses scene, and saying how the Benny’s Burgers T-shirt looked like it would swallow her whole during his monologue). He never wants her to see him looking weak, just like a father or older brother would. It’s undeniably sweet and shows he loves her in his own way, but he’s never acting honestly around her - he’s too afraid to show her his true self (which he’s admitted to during the van scene in episode 8). The costume designers talked about how while Mike is in California he’s wearing clothes he wouldn’t usually wear - clothes bought straight from the airport. He’s literally faking who he is around El. Meanwhile, it’s been shown time and time again that Mike and Will have a special relationship that can only parallel other romantic pairs in the show - one that shares emotional, deep, and honest conversations. They don’t parallel sibling relationships, they don’t parallel other platonic friendships, they are written like all the canon couples of the show, but especially Lumax.

El wasn't able to beat Vecna after his speech because Melvin is not what's gonna save the day, BYLER is. Ultimately Will will be the true key to everything in season 5, and he will only realize this once he learns that he is the one Mike has loved all along.

2. Mike could only say “I love you” to El because of Will, and Mike’s monologue heavily reflects Will’s words (and his own words from S2).

Mike was ready to give up until Will reminded him that Mike is the heart of the group. If Mike really loved Eleven, would he really need Will's words of encouragement to be able to say I love you to her? (It's also convenient that he could say I love you to her the moment her head was shaved again - almost as if he can only feel romantic love for El when she looks like a boy...) The speech seems to be a mix of a few things for Mike - a genuine fatherly/brotherly love for El, feelings for the El that Will built up in his head, repressed feelings for Will (best thing I’ve ever done vs my life started when I met you), and just saying the things he thinks El needed to hear in order to beat Vecna. Also, let's not forget the fact that the Duffer brothers have explicitly shown they do not believe in love at first sight, and even Mike himself seems to not believe in it ("that wasn't fate or destiny, it was just dumb luck"). Unless the Duffer brothers have changed their mind for some unfathomable reason, the fact that they deliberately made Mike say "the moment I saw you was the moment I knew I loved you" makes it pretty clear that entire monologue was built upon lies from the start. A lot of the monologue just doesn't really make much sense - he did not act in love with El at all at the beginning of season 1, he clearly wanted to use her to find Will and was ready to abandon her the moment she seemed useless/like a traitor. Almost everything he says to El only makes sense when you apply the same words to Will.

Everything about Mike’s monologue is in the shadow of Will - Mike’s words reflect his true feelings towards Will and Will was the one who helped him say these words to El in the first place by expressing his love through her. Will is constantly shown in the background of the frame while Mike is talking, and it’s symbolism showing where Mike’s heart truly lies.

And in Mike's monologue he is STILL idolizing El and putting her on a pedestal. He says he doesn't care whether she has powers or not, but he clearly contradicts himself within the SAME speech (and again paralleling Brenner by saying she can fly and move mountains). Mike has never shown any signs of actual romantic love for El - he's just confusing his admiration for El with romantic feelings, constantly calling her a “superhero” and “Superman”.

After everything she’s went through, El doesn’t want to be seen as a superhero or a monster, especially after Brenner’s talk with her about how human beings are more complex than the things spoken of in myths and fairy-tales. El is a human being, and while Mike does love and care for her, he isn’t letting her become whole.

3. The writers are obligated to address that the painting made by Will wasn't commissioned by El, and that’s going to open up a lot of possibilities for Byler.

It's clear to the audience that El had no idea what the painting was according to her letters to Mike, and considering the heartbreak they show with Will after giving the painting, they literally cannot ignore this plot-point. And some of you may be thinking "even if they do acknowledge it, couldn’t it just be confirmation for Will being gay and one-sidedly liking Mike?" and yeah, that's not impossible. However, Will is pretty much all but confirmed to be gay for Mike - even the writers and actors have fully acknowledged it at this point. Would they really use this as a "reveal" in season 5 when we already know this is the truth? No, this is going to be used as a reveal for MIKE'S feelings. He will realize that everything Will said in the van was about himself, and therefore the version of El that was built up in Mike's head was actually just Will all along. If Mike could only say “I love you” to the version of El that Will created by conveying his own emotions through her, this could only mean one thing.. The person he should actually be saying “I love you” to is Will. Will is the person he’s loved all this time, the person he can no longer live without.

How S5 will potentially use this plotline (the scenario I envision)

Mike and Will will be close friends still - best friends even, as Mike and Will clearly wanted in S4. Considering how S4 leaves off, they’ll likely be working together as a team like before. However, I think there will be a subtle but noticeable distance between them in S5, but this time it will be Will pushing Mike away. Of course Will wants Mike and El to be happy, but there's no denying that he's been hurt. He used his own love confession to repair the relationship between Milkvan, and Mike's monologue said a lot of things that were hurtful to Will (meeting El was the day his life began - AKA the same day Will disappeared). In this season we'll be seeing Mike chase after Will this time, similarly to season 2 where Mike initiates all of the Byler moments except with more angst and confusion between them. After this has been established, I think S5 will start with a Milkvan breakup initiated by Eleven. Mike will actually be hurt this time unlike season 3, but he'll be even more confused. Didn't El commission Will to make that painting? Wasn’t that painting in itself basically a love confession? Didn't Will say she's been feeling lost without me? Didn't she think of me as the heart of the group? Why would she breakup with me, especially after my own love confession? I finally said the words she wanted me to say! Mike will probably confront El about this with these thoughts racing through his head, but then everything will come to a head when El responds.

“What painting?"

After a LOT of initial confusion, this is where everything slowly starts to fall in place for Mike. He realizes the painting was NOT requested by El but it was all Will's idea, HIS gift for Mike. That entire monologue was Will's feelings. The person built up in Mike's head is not El, but Will. Will needs Mike. They both feel like freaks, and they need each other to not feel like mistakes. They make each other feel safe, normal, like someone else can actually understand them. They both feel lost with out each other.

Since Will will be a central part of the storyline in season 5, Mike will have to go through a lot of hardship in order to get back the person he loves and to prove his love - both emotionally and physically - and this will hopefully redeem Mike's character completely for us. Whatever Will is going to go through in the last season, he likely won't be able to do it alone, and once he realizes Mike loves him back he'll be able to save the day. This will directly parallel Mike’s monologue to El - the Melvin confession wasn't able to defeat Vecna because it was built upon lies, but the Byler confession will because both people GENUINELY love each other mutually.

I won't say I'm 100% confident in this theory, but a huge factor in it is that Mike (and arguably El) have no room left to develop unless their storylines are connected to Will. Sure, I'd love some development between Mike and his family, and that kind of plotline COULD work with Melvin... IF their relationship was healthy and built upon trust and understanding. But it just isn’t. El and Mike consistently keep lying to each other and just don't know how to communicate in a healthy way - but only in regards to the romantic parts of their relationship. When they're just friends/team-mates, they can communicate and work together just fine. They never open up to each other and get closer on an emotional level like Byler CONSTANTLY does - practically every time they’re on screen together! Unless the writing does a complete 180 and El and Mike are suddenly written competently as a couple, they are pretty much doomed to fail and the ending of season 4 is clearly implying that this is intentional. If Mike just ends up rejecting Will when he comes out in season 5, Mike will literally just become the most garbage human being on earth and nobody will be happy (and no, not because he can’t reciprocate Will’s feelings, but because he can’t even be a good boyfriend or friend if this is the case). It still stands that Mike’s character only makes sense if he’s suppressing his feelings for Will because of internalized homophobia. As I've seen quite a few people mention in their own theories, Byler endgame is the most satisfying conclusion to Will's, Mike's AND El's character arcs, and the angst in season 4 does not change that, it just sets it up even further. They've simply laid out the facts for us first - Will loves Mike, Mike loves the version of El that Will created by confessing through her, and El doesn't need Mike anymore (romantically) and values platonic and familial bonds more.

4. The placement of the pairings in episode 9 - Jancy, Jopper and Byler.

Unless the writers are just unforgivably cruel and are rubbing salt in the wound, this has to mean something. The couples are not anywhere NEAR each other and the placement feels way too deliberate, just like the grocery store scene in season 3. El is placed by herself in both scenes, pretty blatantly implying that she won't end up with anyone in the end. All of the couples are standing in the beautifully bloomed flowers and El is standing in the dead flowers - the same (or at least very similar) flowers that Mike picked for her. This is symbolism that their love has died and the other couples will be thriving in S5. (side note: really hoping this isn’t symbolism for Eleven dying though, I personally wouldn’t want Byler to happen at the expense of Eleven)

Themes of conformity

Speaking of Jancy, here’s an observation about the season’s themes I had thanks to the whole oddity of Stancy returning. Season 4 is about characters returning/losing to conformity temporarily - Nancy with Steve, Mike with El (and Will with Melvin), Robin with Vicky, and Lucas wanting to be normal/popular. But in the last episode Lucas has clearly moved away from that ideology, Vicky broke up with her boyfriend, and in the very ending shot of the season Nancy is standing with Johnathan and Mike is standing with Will. I know we’ve all been feeling like Stranger things has lost sight of what it’s supposed to be about, but the themes of the characters being outcasts and going against conformity is not lost! This season was just showcasing the characters' struggle and how hard it is to break outside of society's walls in the 80s. Very often you'll go against what you really want and lean back towards what's comfortable and safe for you, especially when you’re starting to doubt yourself and your relationships with others. Steve mentioned his dream of marrying someone and having 6 kids, the very image of a typical American dream for someone to have. Nothing against it, it's a really sweet vision to have for the future, but Steve is about as conventional a guy as it gets (bless him for being an ally though). For Nancy, Steve represents what it means to be normal, and El represents what it means to be normal for Mike. When Nancy got Vecna'd, it was a reminder to the audience that Nancy still feels guilty about Barb, specifically because she pushed her away and chased after being normal instead - being with Steve. Even though Nancy was starting to falter, she still cannot be with Steve even if she still feels attracted to him because it's what ended up hurting herself and others around her. When she's back with Johnathan and they make a remark about Argyle being a weirdo, Nancy says "welcome to the club", showing she's accepted she can't be normal/with Steve. The same thing applies to Melvin. Even when Mike sees El being bullied by other girls, Mike still fears that El will not need him anymore because he's a nerd and outcast. He has seen time and time again that she's an outcast just like he is, but she is still what is "normal" simply because she is a girl and being heterosexual is what was considered to be normal. Like Lucas, Robin and Nancy, Mike will learn it's fine to be an outcast (homosexual) in S5. Because as Lucas so eloquently put:

Conclusion

Of course all of this being the case won't magically mean the Duffers are good writers of course, they’ve disappointed us in ways even outside of Byler (*cough* Eddie’s death *cough*). But considering the seemingly careful and dedicated time they’re taking to build this up, it could easily be one of the best written slow-burn gay romances in all of history depending on the execution. It’ll definitely take a lot to fix Mike's character, but honestly considering he's a 14/15 year old kid in the 80s I can understand that he still can't get a grasp on his own feelings. If season 5 really does have a time-skip like everyone's been saying (I think it'll be 2 years and not 5 like some rumours have stated), Mike will hopefully be mature enough at this point to realize what an idiot he's been in season 3 + 4 and return to the Mike we all know and love (though I do think the time-skip may be mid-season).

In a recent interview it's been confirmed that Will will play a huge part in season 5, so as long as he's getting actual MC status again I’ll be as confident in Byler being endgame as I was during vol.1 of season 4 - that is to say, 100%.

A lot of people were confused about why the actors and writers were excited about Byler when it seemingly ended in heartbreak in season 4, but if you consider the idea that they already knew what’ll happen in season 5, all of their behaviour makes sense and it may have been completely unintentional to put our hopes up on the staff’s part. Season 5′s outline was written around the same time season 4 was being created thanks to the covid pandemic, so the likelihood of this is pretty high. And as I've seen some people mention, some scenes may have been moved to season 5 and/or scenes for both seasons were filmed at the same time (for example, the photo of Noah (in his season 4 outfit) in a harness was never explained). I can't really confirm any of this, but it definitely explains a lot if the staff aren't just completely blind to what queer folk actually want.

I’m genuinely hopeful now that season 5 will deliver on several of the ideas we were wishing for during season 4, and considering all of the brilliant analyses/theories that have been cropping up, it is definitely way too early to give up on Byler being endgame! Until the end all of us “delusional” bylers will be going crazy together 🌟

#byler #stranger things #byler is endgame #mike wheeler I know what you are #will byers #mike wheeler #mike wheeler is gay #stranger things theory #duffers please don't make me look like a delusional idiot AGAIN I beg of you #but I'll be riding this clown car to the ends of the earth

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renneiscent · 2 years ago

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You Are All That Matters

Hello, I sincerely apologise for updating really late. I got knocked off by life and somehow I wasn’t able to continue this fic but thank God, I finally managed to write this chapter. I hope you enjoy this chapter and hopefully this makes sense and thank you for reading this. I appreciate it so much and once again, I’m deeply sorry for updating really late.

Warning: Violence.

Chapters: 15/?

< Previous Chapter | Next Chapter >

“There weren’t just two people involved in the incident back then.” He takes a pause, “there were three.” Before I managed to ask what the hell he is talking about, the man in front of me is taking off the ugly mask he is wearing and making his face is fully exposed. In the middle of dark forest with the limited light source, I unfortunately can still see his familiar face clearly which looks worn out with the obtrusive stubble and tiring eye bags.

I’m crushed.

Have you ever heard about Elisabeth Kübler-Ross? She was a psychiatrist and one of her great contributions in this world is her theory about five stages of grief. Those stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally an acceptance. These stages are our attempts to accept the change, the reality that hits hard, the loss we have been through, and our effort to adapt with the hurting truth. To summarise, it’s basically saying the process to accept what it’s unacceptable.

And I think I’m already in the first stage; denial.

I’m confusedly looking at the man in front of me. Richy Rogers. He is avoiding eye-contact with the clenched jaw. Is he feeling guilty? Feeling shame? Humiliated? I don’t know. I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now. I don’t even know if what it’s in front of me is real or just a product of my stress. I don’t know… I don’t want to know anymore.

“Ten years ago,” he finally is speaking after the silence between us. His breath is slow and hard. “Hannah and Amy showed up on my doorstep.” He is taking glance at me before looking away again. “Pine Glade was almost over. Stuck already. They wanted me to drive them to Grimrock because Amy lost something there… I can’t even remember what it was,” he quietly scoffs. “I had been at the festival the whole day, I was drunk.” He let out the dry laugh then looks at me. “I had a couple of drinks… I said no… but they insisted… they were in a hurry… they already made this huge detour to get to me so… and I had been driving around our yard a couple of times… so, I gave them the key to an old AMC Gremlin—one that should have been scrapped a couple days later. So I thought, there is no harm in that.”

“Right?” He shrugs then look at me; asking for my judgement probably, but I’m not sure if that’s his intention. because before I managed to response, he already throw his gaze at somewhere else again. There is a long pause between us, this time his face look more tensed. The atmosphere around him somehow is also changing; it becomes heavier than before. I know where this is going.

“A couple of minutes they showed up again… and I almost didn’t recognise the car.” He is trailing off, “there was blood on the windshield… there was blood on the bumper…”

No, no. Stop talking.

“And none of them were capable to as much as other to sing a word. I thought they must have hit an animal—some deer that jumped in front of the car. So, I drove them to the spot…” he is taking a deep breath.

Please stop.

“And there she was… a girl… covered in blood… lifeless.” He let out a quiet sigh. “We buried it in the forest… we never spoke a word of that again…” he is slowly putting his gaze on me, I’m still unable to understand that expression. “I’m sorry.”

I’m falling apart. And right now, I think I’m leveling to the second stage; anger.

I’m letting out a bitter laugh, it’s so bitter until I think I can even taste the imaginary flavour of it on the tip of my tongue. All of these strange feelings I have noticed, all of those sketchy situations—I already have this presumption before, but seems like my emotions and illogical trust with him cloud my perspective. Without I was aware, I had ignored all the proofs which pointed at him being suspicious all this time.

Don’t cry, don’t cry. Don’t you dare to slip even a single tear, MC!

“I have always known, but I didn’t want it to be true.” I slowly lift my gaze down, looking at the grass or Richy’s feet, I don’t know. I don’t want to look at him in the eyes. My mind is totally blank or even completely full until it stops processing. I don’t know anymore. “You were leading us on all this time.” I remember how he was so cooperative about everything; he even stayed to our investigation about Man Without A Face, he even talked to Phil about his rude comments of Hannah, he answered all of my questions about Hannah’s car, he…

“All the threatening calls…?”

I suddenly realised with all the creepy calls and video-calls I have received, those scary distorted voice and ugly mask—those calls are from Richy, the one who I thought is my friend. How he attacked Jessy and innocently look after her after he attacked Jessy that night. I understand how he marked himself, but Jessy? Who knows if he tampered Dan’s car like he did to the group’s cars? I lift my gaze and glare at him; my eyes are full with resentment and disappointment. “How dare you do this to us?” with clenching my knuckles, I can sense my blood is boiling because of the rage is filling in every cell of me. Richy Rogers, you are so fucked up.

“MC, please let me explain..” I snort hearing his voice. The sentence he just said is disgustingly funny in my ears. What else should he explains after the last story he just told is already a dropped bombshell in this sickening situation? Not to mention how he exposed himself as the perpetrator all along already dropped me down to the deepest ground of the earth. I should just leave from this place and call the police; let them to catch this douche bag in front of me.

But I didn’t. I close both of my eyes and take a deep breath. I open my eyes then slowly lift it to look at Richy. I’m going to regret this later but still… “Please explain,” I shouldn’t do this. “I need to understand.” This is stupid decision.

“I hadn’t thought of the accident for a long time until Hannah came to the garage one day. Her oil slump was broken because she had driven into a pothole.” His explanation reminds me with that time when I talked to him because of the Rogers’ Garage number is on Hannah’s phone list on the day she is missing.

“So, at least the thing about the oil sump wasn’t a lie.” I retort.

“No, it wasn’t. I noticed immediately that there was something wrong with her. But she didn’t want to say what it was.” His expression is showing his mind is wandering around, I don't know where but I feel like he's not exactly here right now.

“She excluded you even though it affected you, too.” I curl my brows, thinking hard what is the reason behind Hannah’s decision?

“She did. And I would have probably just left it at that. If I hadn’t seen Amy in Hannah’s car before she turned into my driveway. That worried me.”

“I suppose you weren’t in contact with Amy since the accident which is why the others thought Hannah didn’t know her.”

“That’s right. So I took a look at Hannah’s satnav…” I snort; I remember when Jessy told me that Richy said to her there is nothing in Hannah’s satnav. “The address in the satnav was that of Iris Hanson and then I knew that my worries were justified. I drove to Amy and she told me everything, Hannah found that bracelet and then she suddenly saw figure by the edge of the woods.”

I frown after hearing the last sentence. “So, it really was just her imagination?”

“He never existed, MC. I knew it was a time. We had run away from it for long enough—”

“You bet, it’s 10 years already…” I thought I was talking to myself but he didn’t speak anymore and instead tilt his head and looking at me. I think I just cut off his self-advocacy. “So, you went to the police?” I ask, or accuse? I don’t know which one.

“I told Amy we should finally turn ourselves in but she didn’t want to hear about it. She said Hannah was only imagining the Man Without A Face and that she just wanted to forget everything. So I made sure Amy would see him too.”

I laugh desperately, the mental image of Amy’s letter that I just found out in that strange room is popping out in my brain. This is much way fucked up that I have imagined it is. “But it didn’t go the way you planned, yes? Amy killed herself because of your brilliant acting skill.” He didn’t answer me immediately, I’m not sure but I think his expression somehow scares the shit of me. In the glimpse of time, I cannot recognise the man in front of me anymore.

“Then, what about Hannah? Why did you kidnap her?” I ask, even though I’m not sure if I want to hear the answer.

“When I found Amy, her phone suddenly rang and it was Hannah. She left a voice mail and I listened to it, she said she had something to go against her pursuer. Something about her had set up a camera, so she must have filmed me with it.” He explains it with flat tone, his eyes are growing darker.

“So, that’s why you kidnap her?” I clench my knuckles, biting inside of my cheeks.

“I got scared,” he takes a pause. “I was… overwhelmed by the situation, and one thing lead to another.”

And that’s when I left all of my ability to tolerate this stupid thing behind. I’m rushing toward him with the form of fists on both of my hands. I jump to him like an animal and grip his hooded jacket with both of my hands, pushing him to the ground forcedly with the weight of my body; I don’t care if I don’t look like a decent human-being anymore. “One thing lead to another, you said? That’s why you marked Jessy? That’s why you attacked her? That’s why!?” I can sense the heat around my neck to my face, probably the blood is rushing around me because of my rage is exploding.

“I did it because I had to prove it couldn’t have been Phil!” he scream the answer in front of my face, despite the lacking of light surround us, I still can see his face is also as red as the roses.

“Who the hell knows if I should believe all of your saying!? Did you tamper Dan’s car too!?” I’m still on top of him with grasping his jacket tightly; my hands are hurting because of it. Ah, I hate this. I can tell you that I will cry in the next second, my eyes are watery enough right now.

“I swear I didn’t do it! I told you his car is fine!” he is trying to let me go off from him, but I think I’m too strong and heavy for him. Lucky me, I guess.

“Did you expect me to believe you anymore, you traitor!? Why did you ask me to come here all alone? Did you want to kidnap or even kill me for being here just by myself!?” I ask him with the sharp tone, venting out all the frustration inside me.

And that’s when I misjudged he barely hard to push me off from him because I thought I’m too strong and heavy, but right now he easily shove me off and put me in the ground instead. His hands right now are wrapping around my neck, squeezing it tight until I’m hardly breathing. I’m looking him in the eyes; this is jumping out of my skin. I didn’t expect that Richy Rogers, the man that I thought is my new friend, is trying to strangle me with the death stare on his eyes like he really want to kill me right now.

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#duskwood fanfiction #duskwood game #duskwood #duskwood everbyte #duskwood mc #duskwood mwaf #duskwood richy

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bibbykins · 4 years ago

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Insufferable

A/N: The long-awaited flashback is here! It's short, but it is here! I hope this can really show the turning point in Jungkook's and MC's relationship and I would love to hear everyone's thoughts. As usual, tips are not required but greatly appreciate. Hope you all enjoy and have a wonderful day/night!

Note: This is a part (specifically a flashback) of The Household's Bunny series, so I recommend reading at least the Prologue before this one

Word count: 3.6k

Pairing: Soft Yandere! Jungkook x Chubby! Reader

Summary: Roommates are bound to have arguments, especially when one of them is as temperamental as Jungkook, but you didn't expect the first argument to get so unbelievably personal.

Warnings: abandonment issues, mommy issues, allusions to past abuse, family issues, crying, yelling, vomiting, panic attack, exhaustion, some soft yandere thoughts, some possessiveness, jungkook is mean and the MC gets a little mean too

There was something so constricting about memories of a shitty childhood. There were times when looking in the mirror felt like searching for the child in you so you could give her the hug she desperately needed. There were times when waking up felt like a check to make sure you were no longer in the home you had to grow up in far too quickly. However, the comfort of being in a different home only came so far when you didn't have anyone beside you or even emotionally available enough to talk to.

You stayed in bed for hours before it felt like a good idea to move, almost waiting for the mirage of change to fade before it brought you back to the gym with your mom or your uncle's apartment littered with whiskey bottles and leaky tear ducts.

Sometimes putting your best foot forward each day felt so hard with all-consuming loneliness clinging to your heels.

You had started your day going through your memory box. Hindsight said that was a poor idea. The box was a sure way to get you into a bad mood. You liked to think you breezed past all the stages of grief, but just because you accepted reality didn't make it hurt any less. The box was a strong reminder of that much as it sat with a melancholic aura. The creme color faded and the thorned vines connected to roses only added to the malicious undertones of its existence to your mental health. It was full of childhood photos, your birth certificate, school achievements, and the last known address your mom had.

Ah, your mom. What a way to bring clouds to your sunny day. You don’t know why you put yourself through the turmoil of the memory box. Maybe you were hoping it would be easier by now. You were always wrong. Looking through childhood photos and finding no love in the eyes of your mother when she looked at you and watching the love in your uncle’s eyes fade with your mother’s presence. You got to the fated birthday card, thumb rubbing over the defunct address longingly. You held the envelope in your hand, inspecting the birthday card she sent you. Three words in the repetitive note written on the inside caught your eye, and not the ones you so desperately wanted from her.

Feeling a familiar pressure behind your eyes, you tossed the card aside and stood. It was time to eat, go on a walk, do anything other than this. You found your way to the kitchen and came across a silent and solemn Jungkook. His jaw was clenched, but it felt like it always was around you.

Your relationship with Jungkook so far was not very complicated, in the way it was nonexistent. He either didn’t care about talking to you or he actively didn’t want to, you really couldn’t tell. This didn’t stop you from trying, though. Like an idiot.

“I’m making food, did you want any?” You asked from your place seated on the couch, and the silence that was his response for deafening, “Okaaaay.” You sang awkwardly, “I just know that you usually don’t eat throughout the day and-”

“And what do you know?!” He snapped, blinded by his pure and unbridled, but most important unprovoked, rage of you. Your eyes widened and your body jumped. Holy shit, you had never heard him yell like this, “You don’t know anything about me, or in general, so just stop trying so fucking hard!” He was harsh in his tone and it lit your whole nervous system on fire. What the hell did you do to him?

You shook your head, not sure why he was yelling about, but it made your throat feel like it was going to close, “Look, I was just trying to be polite, but you don’t need to talk about me like you understand-”

“Understand?! What’s there to understand?” He challenged, eyes wide like he was expecting you to say something but he continued, “You’re some spoiled girl living here rent-free because your precious dad doesn’t want to take care of you.”

Your heart caught in your throat as it shattered. He was right, your dad didn't want to take care of you, but not in the way he thought. Why was he doing this? Has he genuinely felt this way all along? Was he just holding in his anger until you poked the bear a little too hard? “You don’t need to yell at me.” You stated firmly and it seemed to only make things worse.

“And you don’t need to fucking be here in the first place!” He spoke, temper long lost and you could hear his voice mix in with Jungyoon’s, all he needed was a bottle of whisky and a set of calloused hands, “You didn’t need to fucking live here-”

“You don’t know anything about me.” You spat out. Now, you were losing your temper. You could take a beating, but for only so long, especially as an adult, "And it's not like you're paying rent either, so what do you know about me or my living arrangements?" You hissed and you watched his eyes flare, making you nearly regret your provocation.

“No, but I know how you look naked-”

“Fuck you.” You spit the word out at him, something you haven’t done to another person for a while “Don’t weaponize my work or play a game that you absolutely will lose.” You warned, “I know all about you, and I can use that, because you’ve been a star since you were 15, and that sucks, that makes you mad, doesn’t it?” Your temper effectively lost as you ripped into the rage-filled man before you, “Yet you don’t know anything about me, and that must piss you the fuck off, huh?” You stood from the couch, tears building in your eyes before you could stop it.

“I know enough, spoiled rich girl.” He seethed and you laughed humorlessly at this worldwide pop star calling you spoiled and rich.

“Not only are you wrong, but you’re also a poor listener.” You shot back, “I’ve told you all before Jungyoon isn’t my fucking dad, he’s my uncle.” His mouth opened but you cut him off before he could start, “He can’t stand the sight of me so he travels for work.” Your tears are undoubtedly falling, but you can’t stop, “And you’re talking to me like this because what? You had a scandal or something?” You gave him his chance to talk and boy, he took it.

“Mona told me you know your mom.” His voice was like venom, “So, why the fuck are you here? You have your blood relatives.” He exaggerated the word like it meant anything to you, “Why are you here, disrupting our lives, acting like an innocent orphan girl around actual fucking orphans-”

“I never said I was or acted like an orphan!” You exclaimed incredulously before scoffing, “That’s why you’re mad? Because you never knew your mom and I did? Because I know who my blood family is?” You could laugh at how ridiculous that was, “I know them, so what? Where does that get me?” You looked at him expectantly but he didn’t talk, “I knew my mom, and guess what? She just didn’t fucking want me.” He was silent, but you still couldn’t stop, “I’m sure if your mom could’ve got to know you, she would’ve kept you, because you’re not insufferable to be around, you’re just a fucking asshole.” You wiped at your cheeks furiously, “But me? I had 15 years to prove myself and it still wasn’t enough. I still wasn’t enough. Jungyoon never wanted me either, he got stuck with me and had to cope.” Your voice began to break and you had to take a breath, “I was the insufferable one, so-” You stopped, finally as you regained your sense of reality and watched Jungkook who had an unreadable expression and the realization of the word vomit you spilled out to him hit you like a train as you exhaled quickly, rage in your voice quickly replaced with soft melancholy “I am the insufferable one here, so there.” You shrugged, face a wet mess, “Hope that brings you peace.” Your stomach was churning as you turned on your heel, unable to hold in your sobs. You couldn’t bear the awkwardness of waiting for the elevator so you opted to take the stairs.

You sobbed louder as the door slammed shut behind you, but you didn’t want to linger so you bolted down the stairs, the bile in your stomach signaling that you needed to find the nearest trashcan and quickly. You made it to the ground floor and spilled your guts into the small trashcan. Yelling always made you unbelievably ill, whether it was getting yelled at or yelling, the sickness it made you feel overflowed. The yelling only reminded you of-

You vomited again at the mere thought. You cried harder when you finally finished, breathing becoming staggered as you began to panic.

Fuck, they’re gonna kick you out, and then you’ll be alone again. You lost your temper, people don’t like other people who lose their temper. Why couldn’t you just mind your own fucking business and leave him be? You’re stupid. Why do you think you’ve been alone all your life? It’s because people don’t want to be near you. You’re-

“Insufferable.” You mumbled, numb, even if for only a moment.

Sure, Jungkook provoked you, but you knew better. You didn't go to therapist after therapist throughout your adolescence for nothing. You felt as if you set yourself back eons after that outburst. He didn't need to know all that about you, ever. He probably didn't even care to know, and you said it anyway, like you were gunning for gold in the trauma Olympics. You didn't want to minimize his struggles, you just wanted him to shut up and stop yelling at you. You let your eyes flutter closed as you cried. How can you complain about being alone when you're like this?

You don’t know how long you stayed there, sitting next to a trash can full of your vomit as you wallowed in your self-hatred. The all-consuming loneliness the boisterous house subdued returning with full force. Jungkook was right. You didn’t need to be here. You were only disrupting their routine.

You blew out a sigh as you staggered to the elevator, fully set on going up to your room and crying yourself to sleep after you clean up. You brought the trashcan with you, not having the heart to just leave your puke down there. You thanked your lucky stars when Jungkook was no longer on the second floor as you went to the kitchen and rinsed your mouth before going to take out the trash and take out your burnt oven pizza. Finally, you were headed back up to your floor. You watched the numbers tick by with tired eyes. You glared at the empty trashcan, electing to take it with you instead of making the trip back down to put it back. Surely, they wouldn’t need it for a few hours.

The elevator dinged as you grabbed the black plastic bin and then you were met with Jungkook. Relief flashed across his face before irritation settled on it, “Where the fuck were you?!” He asked hurriedly as you trudged past him, too exhausted to fight. You were running on autopilot the whole way up here, and you couldn’t bear another spat.

“I was on the first floor.” Your voice was low, trying to communicate you were done arguing as you lifted the bin as proof. You then set it down and went to your bathroom and began brushing your teeth.

He scoffed, “You were on the first floor for 30 minutes?” He asked as if he caught you in a lie but you nodded as you rinsed your mouth.

You were down there for thirty minutes? No wonder you felt so tired.

“Yep.” You popped the last letter before correcting yourself, “Well, I spent like 10 minutes cleaning up that bin, so not exactly.”

“Why?” He asked as if you were being ridiculous, as if he wasn’t the one on your floor demanding answers.

“I vomited.” You spoke simply and before he could ask, “Yelling makes me puke.” You were so blase about it he sighed in frustration.

You walked to your room and froze when you saw your memory box strewn about, and it was like a dam broke all over again. You looked at the photos, at the eager little girl looking for love in places she would never find it.

Old habits die hard.

Before you could even stop yourself, you sunk to your knees in garbled sobs and broken cries, “Hey, hey, wait.” Jungkook’s shaky voice did nothing to bring you back to reality as you cried. His hands placed themselves on your shoulder, making you flinch violently, much to his horror.

Fuck, he didn’t know how to do this. He didn’t know why you were crying, but he knew it was his fault, at least in part. Even if at this moment it wasn’t, his outburst surely didn’t help. Fuck, he’s so dumb. Fuck, he shouldn’t have talked to Mona just moments before seeing you.

The envy of even seeing your own mother’s face ate up at him and he took it out on you. Not to mention that he made you vomit from the yelling. He suddenly felt more like an arrogant asshole than he did before as his hands now hovered over your form and he took a moment to look at your room.

Scattered on the floor were childhood photos and ribbons from competitions. Things Mona kept in her own house, having a whole wall filled with every one of their achievements. Even Jin had a photo album of their things. And you, you kept all these for yourself. You were the only one who cared enough to save these things and he wondered how much you threw away to maintain space in the small empty box. Fuck, he didn’t know how to do this.

You sighed shakily, “You can just go.” You cried, “You don’t have to be here.” You don’t know what he could possibly gain from watching you cry.

“I know.” His voice was calm, even, “Can I help you up?” He asked and you wanted to look up at him in confusion but you didn't want him to see your tears.

You both had just ripped into each other, and here he was, wanting to help you. Why would he do that? Why would he stay when he doesn't have to? Why would he want to help you up after a fight?

Too tired to even think about questioning him and no longer angry at him, you simply scoffed, “Can you?” You sighed, not having the energy to stroke his ego and stand up without his help.

You never let people bear your dead weight, not wanting the awkwardness if they couldn’t carry you, but right now, you just wanted to lay down.

He snorted lightly, happy to hear anything other than a sob for you, “Don’t worry about me, you just cry and mind your business.” He spoke lightly, and the comment made you fight a smile. Then, he lifted you with so much ease, you figured he was trying to show off as he placed you on the bed. He looked at you after he sat on the floor before his eyes caught onto the gold foil of a 16th birthday card. You were wiping at your face as he read the card against his better judgment.

I know you must be confused, and I can’t help that. I wish I could pretend to be a mom, but I can’t. I can’t be your mom, and I never should have tried. It would be best if we forgot each other. I just can’t keep pretending, and I know you can see it, even if you don’t want to.

I’m so tired.

-Mom

Now, he felt even more like an asshole. He also felt a little bit angry that your mother could just leave you behind without so much as saying sorry. She wrote like she was a teenager and you were her mother. She obviously didn't put much thought into the seemingly last message to her daughter and it made his heartbreak for you, “That was the last I heard of her.” You snapped him from his thoughts and he looked at your puffy face, “She had left months earlier, and then I got that, but she moved before I could try to see her one more time.” There was a distant ache in your words as you looked at Jungkook sitting amongst your memories.

“Is she… still alive?” He asked, not sure why he felt the need to know.

“Not sure, but it doesn’t make much of a difference, I guess.” You blew out a sigh, before looking at your papers and folded posterboards, “I was cleaning out my memory box, and I’m not sure why I do it when I know it just upsets me.” You could still feel tears leaking from your eyes as Jungkook picked up a photo of you on your 14th birthday, posed between Jungyoon and your mom. You had a bright smile on your face and they looked at the camera with a tight expression, “You can really see how much they didn’t want to be there, but that's the happiest they look in all of the photos.”

He wanted to say you were wrong, but he could see it. He could see the happy little girl trying to make up for the unhappy adults around her. He knew he should’ve asked Mona why Jungyoon didn’t try to call or visit or why she was so eager to take you in if you knew your family. He should’ve just known better. Yeah, he understood how it felt to be alone growing up, they all did, but by the time they were all 17 they had a home that wanted them. You were going to graduate from college soon and you still felt unwanted.

No thanks to him.

“I’m sorry.” He blurted and you looked at him with wide eyes, “For being an asshole, I’m sorry- and for making you cry. I just…” He shrugged, “You’re right. I was jealous you knew your mom and I already was suspicious of you and I- I’m dumb, and I’m sorry.” He looked at you, eyes a bit glossy and you wondered when was the last time someone apologized for making you cry.

“It’s okay.” You smiled weakly, “You are dumb, but that’s okay.” You chuckled when he frowned, but eventually, he also broke into a short laugh, “I think… we’ve felt a lot of the same things in different ways, so I can’t blame you.” He wondered how you could be so forgiving, and he was scared of how many times that has gotten you hurt, “I like living here and I like all of you, so I hope I can get you all to like me too, even if just a little.”

“Don’t accept less than you deserve.” He spoke firmly before he started picking up your memory box, putting things neatly back in.

“Wh-”

He waved his hands nonchalantly, “You, sleep, I’ll clean this up and order some food.” He didn’t look at you as he said this, mostly to hide his blush, "If...If you want, I can give this to Jin. He has a whole place he keeps our stuff like this… he's really sentimental." He stumbled, still refusing to look at you.

However, he jumped when he heard you hiccup a cry. Ready to apologize, Jungkook was just about to turn to look at you until he heard you speak, "That… That sounds very sweet of you to do." You wiped a sentimental tear away as the blushing boy remained frozen.

"It's Jin's hobby, not mine." He deflected before waving his hand at you, "Sleep, I said." He frantically demanded.

You could see his ears getting red and you smiled, “Yes, sir.” You mocked in your work voice and made him freeze for a moment as you erupted into giggles while he whined, “Okay, okay, I’ll sleep.”

Eventually, you surrendered to your exhaustion as he delicately put away your papers and photos. He hummed lightly, smiling as he came across your debate team awards. No wonder he lost the fight before it even started. He turned around after lifting the box and sighed almost dreamily as he watched your sleeping face. You were beautiful, delicate, and puffy from the tears. He had the urge to keep apologizing for being such an asshole, but after looking through your achievements and your photos, he resolved to just keep proving it.

He wouldn’t let you get hurt again. Not by him or anyone, especially your mother, even Jungyoon was on thin ice.

His blood boiled at the thought of your mother for a reason he couldn’t understand. His hand extended shakily as he pulled the covers up to your shoulder and you hummed contently, making his heart melt a bit at the little smile you had. He wouldn’t fuck up with you again, not like this. He would be nice, at least a little, and first and foremost, he would order food you liked.

He froze.

Fuck, what food do you like?

He relaxed. Well, he could just ask the guys.

Fuck, they’re gonna ask questions.

Fuck, they’re gonna kill him when they found out he made you cry.

He looked back at your sleeping form, not having the heart to wake you up. He sighed, looks like he’ll just have to bite the bullet. He dreaded each moment as he quickly made an untitled group chat with the guys since you were added to their original one. He could only hope Taehyung wouldn’t change the group chat name to something stupid.

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#yandere bts #soft yandere bts #bts fanfic #bts series #yandere jungkook #bts angst #bts fluff #poly bts au

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roleplay-fanatic · 2 years ago

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Guys (gn) I’m going through the seven stages of grief with King’s Tide.

It’s like when you drink coffee and people say you can be “sad in 3x speed”

I’ve been hit with shock, denial, bargaining, anger and depression at the same time.

Shock- examples include: what the f u c k happened this episode??? Eda lost an arm?? The Collector was freed by the very titan that the people who worship him try to hunt?? Belos is killed by a casual wave of a (several hundred or thousand years old) child’s finger?? That same kid can save thousands of lives by pointing at the moon, waving their finger and saying “boop!”??????

Denial- What? Human realm? Never heard of it, whaaaat all the main teenage characters aren’t seemingly stuck there forever with no way back, that’s insaaaane they’d never do that

Bargaining- ok but like there’s 140-150 more minutes of content left for all of this to be resolved right? It’ll be ok they’ll get back to the Boiling Isles and no one will die and Raeda will get together and maybe even Hunter and Willow and everything will be ok

Anger- what the fuck Disney!!! We were supposed to still have another entire season left after this! The Collector was clearly intended to be a season-long threat, how can you tie all of this up, in a SATISFYING way, in 140 minutes???? How does that leave room for much character/relationship developments outside of that??? I NEED RAEDA AND I NEED MORE CONTENT IN GENERAL

Depression- oh my gosh. We only have three more episodes. Three more and then it’s all gone. There’s only three episodes left until goodbye Owl House. I love this show I love these characters I’m IN love with several of these characters and I want more time to be able to figure out whether I absolutely love or absolutely hate the Collector. But that’ll never happen. It’s almost over. I can’t take this.

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milliedazzledust · 4 years ago

Text

Unspoken (Bucky Barnes imagine)

Request by @screechingdreamercollectorsblog : the reader lost all her family and also a twin sister. She’s in love with Bucky but he doesn't know and no one knows her story except Steve but he never told it as it was her decision. One day Wanda tells her "you don't know what it’s like to lose somebody especially a twin." And Reader said "Actually I do." And then She walks away. Bucky heard It and goes to talk to her and also they confess each other feelings. Also She starts an amazing friend ship with Wanda.

Words: 3183 words

A/N: So many ideas, I feel like this needs to be a several part story. Thanks for the request, this was fun to write -

She thought a lot about her family. The memory of their death, the circumstances that led to it, the guilt. It was all a constant reminder, every day, of what she lost. She often felt like she was walking with a shadow on her back, consuming what was left of light, making her into this gloomy person everyone was so afraid to get close to. In a way, she was glad. Her guilt made her believe living this way was her sentence and she couldn’t allow anybody else to carry her burden. One person knew though, the only hope on her pathway. Steve Rogers. He hadn’t been bold enough to ask her up front but instead waited, close enough so she knew he was there, until she was ready to confide in him. Late one night, he had found her crying on the rooftop of the Avengers tower. Silently, he had put a blanket on her shoulders and had sit next to her. Without looking at him, she had told him everything. There had been no judgment from the Captain, not even a look of pity. He promised he wouldn’t tell a soul and after that, she grew closer from the man she considered now family.

That’s how Steve picked up on what was happening in front of his eyes before anybody else. Everyday, he would catch Bucky’s eyes lingering on her. The Soldier often asked Steve about her, he could guess the sadness behind every broken smile. Behind her cracks, he could almost see his own. She reminded him a lot of what it had mean to become the Winter Soldier, of the pain his mind had endured as Hydra tore it into pieces. While he was curious of her past, he also understood that whatever it was, she hadn’t dealt with it. The grief was evident and he wanted nothing more than to help her anyway he could, but every time he took a step toward her, she took three more backward. Steve assured him it wasn’t his fault. They both could see the internal struggle within her, the raging battle between self-inflicted pain and sheer will to live again. So far, she hadn’t give in and instead opted for an illusion only Steve and Bucky weren’t falling for.

She wasn’t the only one feeling the overbearing weight of grief. That specific day marked the one year anniversary of their battle in Sokovia. There was an eerie, gloomy atmosphere inside the compound. For the Avengers, it was the reminder of a difficult battle, of many lives lost, of victory. For Wanda Maximoff, it was the day she lost her brother. She had barely left her bedroom and no one dared go speak to her. Natasha and Vision had gone to see how she was doing but she had refused the company. They could all hear her crying and had collectively silently agreed that it was better to let her process her feelings alone. Y/N was debating wether she should follow their example. She had been standing close to Wanda’s bedroom door for the past hour when she felt a presence next to her.

“You should go talk to her” She heard someone whisper.

She turned her head, her eyes landing on a pretty concerned Captain.

“Wil it really make a difference ?” She asked.

“She’s hurting” Steve answered. “Just like you”

The woman dropped her head.

“I’m not sure, I .. I won’t know what to say”

“You’ll know exactly what to say, Y/N. You’ve both lost a lot”

“So have you. So have everybody here”

He sadly nodded.

“Why does it have to be me ?”

“Because we’ve all grieved. We made peace with whatever happened to us. We don’t feel sadness, anger or guilt just thinking about whomever we lost.” He explained. “You do. Just like her.”

She pursed her lips.

“I can’t pretend to understand, Y/N, because I don’t. I see the mountain that is your pain everyday when I look into your eyes. And, behind this door is a friend who’s going through the same loss you’ve experienced. Even if you haven’t dealt with the death of your sister, you know what it was like for her to lose Pietro, to live without him, to not be capable to let yourself be alive when half of you isn’t anymore”

Hearing his words was enough to reopen the gigantic wound inside her chest. She knew he was right, but it didn’t make it any easier. He put a comforting hand on her shoulder, encouraging her with a soft smile.

“Alright. I’ll go”

She glanced at Wanda’s bedroom before looking back at Steve and swallowed the lump in her throat. Taking a deep breath, she closed the distance and knocked. Not waiting for an answer, she walked inside. She knew if she had ask Wanda, the Witch would have let her wait without an answer until she left.

The young woman was sitting on her bed, her gaze drifting into space. Y/N wasn’t sure she had even acknowledge her presence. All she could see was her soul bleeding an ocean through her eyes. When she sat next to her on the bed, Wanda tried to brush the tears away but it was useless. She couldn’t stop crying.

“I’m sorry you lost him” Y/N whispered.

She cursed under her breath, knowing those were in no way comforting words.

“If you came to tell me you understand, you can leave” She replied with a thick accent.

For a moment, Y/N did not say a word. She was thinking hard of something that could appease her friend, but her mind was blank.

“Are you also going to ask me if I’m okay” She heard Wanda say.

“What is the point ? I know you’re not”

She sighed.

“I’ve always hated that question. How are you suppose to know how you are if all you can feel is emptiness… It’s easier to say yes, put on a smile and turn your head”

“Is that why you’re here ? Are you expecting a yes or the truth ?”

“I already know the truth”

Wanda humorlessly chuckle.

“Are you going to pretend you know what I’m feeling ?” She told her with irony

“That’s the thing. I don’t need to pretend”

She felt her friend tense beside her.

“You should leave”

“Wanda…”

“No!” She shouted, getting up to put a distance between them. “I don’t need you to tell me I’m gonna be alright! I don’t need to hear it will hurt less with time, that I will forget ! Because I won’t, okay, I won’t!”

She started sobbing. For a split second, Y/N thought about hugging her, but she knew that this wouldn’t be a good idea. When her sister died, she couldn’t bear the hugs. They were so full of light and hope, such a bright contrast to the dark that was surrounding her. So she stayed on the bed, and watched her friend break down. Wanda needed the pain, she needed the anger, because they would inevitably lead to the last stage of grief. To life.

“Stop pretending to get this … this torture, because I can assure you, you don’t” Wanda vehemently told her, pacing around the room. “My heart is broken, okay ? It’s … It’s shattered. Not even in pieces, because he took those with him when he died.”

“Wanda …”

“No! You don’t know what it’s like to lose somebody !” Wanda yelled back. “Especially a twin!”

“Actually, I do”

Wanda instantly stopped walking and turned back to her friend, surprised. She watched Y/N playing with her hands, trying to keep the tears at bay, her eyes fixed on her lap, refusing to catch a glimpse of pity when she’ll start talking.

“It.. It doesn’t stop. The pain, I mean. It’s like this overbearing weight that crushes you every single minute of every single day. And when you get a moment to breath, a moment where you don’t feel your heart might explode of sadness, you feel guilty. So all that’s left of you now is pain and guilt. I can’t tell you it’ll get better, because it never did for me.”

She brushed the tears on her cheek as Wanda slowly sat back next to her.

“The world stopped when I lost her, my twin I mean” She continued, starring into space. “And I try, I swear I try to make it work again, but to this day all I keep asking myself is why her … why her and not…me. She was so much stronger than me, she deserved …”

A sob escaped her lips, preventing her from speaking.

“Steve told me I would be able to help you, because I understand your pain. But I can’t. What good would it do to you if I told you I feel like dying every time I think about my memories of her ?”

She humorlessly laughed.

“What good would it do if I confess I don’t want to live because I’m scarred of forgetting ? That I can’t breathe because each breath feels like I’ve cheated death ? That I’m becoming a void of darkness silently sinking ?”

They stayed silence before Wanda’s hand slowly came to hold hers. They spent a short moment without talking. Two woman with broken soul that understood each other on a level no one else’s could.

“You know ..” The Witch started to mutter. “Vis’ told me something once, and it stuck up on me ever since.”

“What was it ?”

“What is grief, if not love persevering”

A tear roll down Y/N’s cheeks, the words stabbing her right through the chest. Suddenly, she was up on her feet, alert and disoriented. This was sheer pain like she had rarely known, wide open scars bleeding through her soul.

“I can’t” She breathlessly told her friend. “I … I’m … I’m sorry Wanda I ca..”

And she fled the room. As soon as she stepped outside of it, she bumped into a muscular chest. Stopping in her tracks, she looked up. That’s when she saw it, what she dreaded the most. A look of pity. Bucky was standing in front of her, searching her eyes, his mouth open like the words were on the tip of his tongue yet he couldn’t voice any of them. He raised an arm toward her, a reflex to comfort the woman he cared the most about, but she was gone in a second. He turned back to glance at Wanda. The woman sadly smile and shook her head.

“Go get her” She simply told him.

And just like that, he was gone. He started by her bedroom, but she wasn’t there. He went to the lab, asked Tony and Bruce if they had seen her, but she wasn’t there. He passed by the gym, than their living room, but again, she was not there. He was almost running inside the building, going anywhere he could think of, but there was no sign of her. He was very frustrated when he crossed path with his best friend.

“Wha …” Steve started to ask.

“Y/N” Barnes only answered, almost out of breath.

The Captain hummed, watching his distress, knowing it was a bad time to ask him about it.

“She’s on the roof”

Bucky didn’t wait, not even hearing what Steve said next, and fled. He didn’t take the elevator and rushed up the stairs. It was a long way up but he did not care. All his mind was focused on was closing the distance between them. Finally, she was there. Sitting on the edge of the building, the sun shining so bright above their head.

“Please tell me you were not thinking of jumping” He said, half joking.

She didn’t turn around to look at him. She had felt his presence before he was even near her.

“The thought crossed my mind” She admitted.

He didn’t want to know if she was joking. Quietly, he stepped next to her and sat on the border, his legs dangling in the air.

“What happened ?” He inquired.

“I just … I thought I could help Wanda and…”

“That’s not what I’m asking” He cut her. “What happened to you Y/N ?”

She pursed her lips, turning for the first time to look back at him. She was almost expecting to see the pity in his eyes, but instead it had been replaced by worry.

“I had a family before the Avengers”

“A family you’ve lost” He guessed.

“…Yes. I couldn’t save them”

He raised his head toward her. She could see the millions of questions he had behind his stare. He was too polite to ask her but she knew he wanted to know. So she turned back to look at the garden in front of the compound, focused on the daisies Tony had insisted to have, and started to tell him her story.

“My parents were … scientists. Experts in genome manipulation. They were working for the government, for Shield. They discovered something important, something they wouldn’t tell us anything about. They started to get edgy, paranoiac, always looking over their shoulder. Whatever it was they found, they were scared. We fled America at the time. My sister and I, we didn’t understand what was happening, we didn’t get that … that they knew they were gonna die. That they were trying to keep us alive”

“What did they find ?”

“I don’t know. That’s why I’m here”

“I don’t understand”

She closed her eyes, remembering them.

“They experimented it on me”

“What ?”

He was shocked.

“We were in Stockholm at the time. One night, they took me to their lab, they said they needed me to work. I was seventeen, just so happy to be with them, so I said yes. Four days later, I woke up alone, surrounded by ashes and no memories. I found …” She stopped for a second, her lips quivering. “I found what was left of their bodies. My sister was there too. All of them, dead.”

Tears started to roll down her cheeks.

“I was convinced I killed them, I couldn’t move, I was just … stuck. So I stayed there, laying on the ground, next to their bodies, until Tony found me.”

“That’s how you came to live with Stark”

“Yes. He took me in, changed my name and my story, made me swear to never talk about this”

“Why ?”

“He helped me figure out what happened that night. My parents did succeed in their experiment. They made me … enhanced. That’s what they called it anyway”

“They gave you your powers” He guessed.

“Yes. The same day, Shield found them. While I was under, they put a bullet in their head. My sister was supposed to be sick, at home. But she sneaked out and hid in the lab. She just wanted to be with us. Shield tried to make it seen like it was an accident, a malfunction”

“An explosion”

She nodded.

“Yes. They blew up the lab, with all of us in there”

“But you didn’t die”

“I absorbed the blast”

“Oh…”

She brushed the tears off her face, looking at her trembling hands. It was useless to try to make them stop.

“I never found out who was behind their assassination, or what I am suppose to be”

“What you’re suppose to be ?” He repeated, surprised.

“They put their secret inside me, that’s how I came to be. But what is it, and what am I?”

He frowned, his mind working a thousand miles an hour.

“Do you really think this changes who you are ?” He asked her.

“I lost my identity, Bucky. I lost the person I was. Those powers, they turn me into something I’m not”

“Are you saying I’m the Winter Soldier? That I’m … not a person anymore but a program design to kill ?”

He knew the answer to that question, but he needed her to understand.

“Of course not!” She vehemently answered.

“This is the same fight, Y/N. Hydra might have wiped out my memories, but Bucky Barnes reappeared each time they tried to erase him, because this is who I am. My strength, my arm, my alter-ego, they don’t define who Bucky is. The kid that grew up in Brooklyn does”

“Do you really believe that ?”

“I believe we’ve been broken. But it doesn’t mean we can’t be fix”

His metal arm moved to hold her hand. When she turns around to look at him, he gently tucked a piece of hair behind her ear with his human hand before brushing his fingertips on her cheek, wiping her tears away.

“I don’t know how many times you’ll need to hear this, Y/N, but we’re not beyond repair” He whispered.

A shiver ran up her spine at his whole demeanor. His shoulders held high, his eyes boring into hers, all she could see was his rage to live, his will to rebuilt stronger foundations around their broken pieces. No it was not pity anymore, nor was it worry. All she saw now was admiration.

“You and I, we are survivors” He said with force.

He was a warm light she had yearn to feel, fresh air she thought would never touch her skin again. Wordlessly, she laid her forehead on his chest and closed her eyes. She didn’t want this feeling to go away and wished to hard she could bottle up this moment with him forever. They stayed like this, her body against his, his hand entangled in her hair, his chin resting above her head, and for a moment none of them spoke.

“Why do I feel so guilty to have you” She muttered so low he almost didn’t hear her.

“Because you know I can bring you peace” He honestly answered next to her ear.

“If I let you in, if I take the risk to be hurt again and I lose you…”

“You won’t”

“You don’t know that for sure”

“I know I’ve got strong feelings for you, and they won’t go away”

“And I feel the same, but we’re gonna get hurt”

“Isn’t that what love is about ? Navigating between feelings so loud they can’t be shut down, even after death. Stop being so afraid to keep on living, Y/N.”

“Bucky …” She called, slowly raising her head to look at him.

“I’m not giving you a choice, doll.”

Before she could talk herself out of this, he closed the short distance between them and laid his lips on hers. Suddenly, what was a flame became a raging fire in the pit of her stomach. She could feel her heart pumping all the way to her ears, feel the tingling sensation of his fingertips against her skin, a sense of peace finally. This was raw emotions they were sharing, sparks of electricity they were making as their lips were moving. Their own world they were creating. A promise they were sealing.

“You’re gonna be okay” He assured her, kissing her forehead.

“Promise me you’ll stay, Bucky”

“For as long as you’ll let me” He finished.

She looked up at him with hope.

“I promise”

#james buchanan barnes #bucky barnes #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes imagines #bucky barnes x reader #winter soldier #winter soldier imagine #winter soldier imagines #winter soldier x reader #the winter soldier #the winter soldier imagine #the winter soldier imagines #the winter soldier x reader #falcon and the winter soldier

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sidespromptblog · 3 years ago

Text

What to Do?: Chapter 10

One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine

Warnings: General Angst, Remus being spooky, Hurt/Comfort, Brief Food Mention, and Sad Stuff.

Summary: Logan realizing that his first mistake was seeing the other sides as anything other than coworkers. They weren't a family. They didn't even like each other. How had he not realized sooner?

Word Count: 2,067

Logan heard the springs in his bed behind him squeal as someone sat down on it, and for a moment he didn’t look away from his computer. His eyes were already straining against the glare of the computer screen in front of him, he just wanted to close his eyes and rest for even just the slightest moment… but the presence behind him forced him to keep his back straight and his eyes trained professionally on what he was doing. It was only when he had made more than one spelling mistake on the same sentence did he direct his attention from that, to his cold cup of tea sitting right next to his keyboard.

Logan grimaced, now of all times he could have much rather preferred coffee, at least the caffeine from that would have helped keep him awake. But he just grimaced and took a sip, the sweetness mixing with the spices over his tongue making him scrunch up his face a little bit. Yes, he much rather preferred the bitterness of his old coffee, and despite what he’d said to Roman and Virgil…

He missed it so damn much.

He moved to take another sip, and the bed behind him squealed again, as the person behind him finally stood up.

“That’s enough nerd,” Logan felt his body jolt in surprise as he felt Remus’ hand smoosh over his face, and covering his mouth so that he couldn’t take a single sip from his drink. Looking up, he found his eyes locking with Remus’, as his head was bent backwards so that he couldn’t have even tried to look at his computer even if he had wanted to keep working on it. Remus’ stance was clear, even if his methods were… odd. “That’s enough…” The creative side spoke again, with a surprising amount of softness in his voice, the wild chaos that had been present the other day all but gone.

Nevertheless, Logan attempted to bat the other side’s hand away.

Clearing his throat he wheeled his chair around so that he could properly address Remus. “You’re a bit late,” He began, before holding up his hands before Remus could talk. “But given your track record, lateness is better than nothing. Do you have your paperwork Creativity?”

Remus’ expression spasmed, and his hands clenched tightly for a moment, as if he had gone through all of the stages of grief and had gotten stuck in the process of rage for a moment. His eyebrows pinched, and the dark look in his eyes took a moment too long before it finally cleared away to a blank kind of smoothness, that told Logan more than enough about how Remus felt in that moment.

“That’s not my name,” The creative side said carefully, his fingers clenching and unclenching into fists, as if he was still contemplating decking Logan right then and there. “You know that… Logan.” Remus’ teeth bared themselves in a fierce smile, that was more of a threat than pleasantries. “So do not call me that. My name hasn’t been Creativity for a very long time, that’s Roman’s title… not mine.”

“Don’t you forget it.” That smile said, “Or I’ll rip out your throat.”

Logan cleared his throat, and in an instant the look was gone, replaced instead by a simple look of impatience.

“That being said…” Remus groaned to himself, as he flopped back onto Logan’s bed, completely ruining the neat and orderly presentation of his blankets and pillows when he did. “I'm supposed to be here apologizing.” He grumbled, sounding very… not sorry in the process. “Apparently…”

Logan’s head cocked to the side, curiosity curling in the bottom of his stomach.

“Apologizing?” He asked, “For what?”

Remus kicked his legs out, scattering Logan’s starry blanket and nearly making it flop onto the ground, only caught by the creative side’s leg at the last second. An angry frustrated huff left Remus, as he snatched up one of Logan’s pillows and pressed it over his face as if he was trying to suffocate himself so that he wouldn't have to answer these questions anymore. In Logan’s honest opinion, he looked all too similar to a child throwing a temper tantrum, and just like that… the image of Remus wearing the dunce hat while pouting flashed into his mind like a streak of lightning.

Logan had to press his lips together to keep his smile down.

And just like that another groan sounded from Remus, “For ruining your schedule!” He finally shouted, throwing his hands up in the air as he suddenly sat up, the pillow flying off of his face and falling at Logan’s feet. “Janus says that if I apologize that it’ll help things, and things certainly aren’t supposed to be like this!” The creative side swept his hands out dramatically, emphasizing Logan’s room, and how it was supposed to look like a cubicle until Logan had started feeling too tired to hold up the illusion of it all. “You’re supposed to be the boring ordinary one that bests me! But this!” Remus stomped his foot, “You’re letting me win with this!”

Bending down Logan picked up his pillow, and dusted off a speck of imaginary dirt before tossing it back over to Remus. The creative side caught it with no problem, before hugging it tight to his chest, a borderline desperate look on his face. He hadn’t looked sorry before, especially now with knowing that Janus had been the one to make him apologize. But now… now he truly looked sorry, even if it wasn’t for the reasons that Janus had wanted him to be.

“Remus,” Logan began, his voice much softer than it had been with any of the others. “You don’t have to apologize to me, not for finally getting me to see what I needed to see in order to get the others to listen to me.” Remus’ face blanched for a moment, and a look of miniscule guilt that Logan didn’t exactly understand passed over his face within a second. “Truthfully… I understand how you feel.” Logan began again, this all felt so easy to explain to Remus than it did with any of the other sides, and he had no idea why. “I understand how you felt… by constantly being ignored all this time.”

For a long moment, Remus looks solemn. Up until the moment that Logan finally stands up and makes his way over to the bed. Sitting next to the creative side Logan stops for a moment, before flopping back much of the same way that Remus had and after only pausing for a moment Remus does the same. The two of them laying there, side by side, as Logan stares up at his ceiling and Remus stares at him

A heavy sigh leaves Logan, and without even thinking about it he presses his pillow over his face in the same way that Remus did. “I deluded myself,” He mumbled into his pillow, before dragging it off of his face. He feels weak when his eyes start to sting and water, “The others weren’t ever my family, or even my friends. They didn’t like me… I was just.. just annoying to them. So… so…” Logan hates himself for how his bottom lip trembles, but he knows that he’s right and that it needs to be said to the one person who might get it. “So boring.”

For all intents and purposes… Remus feels crushed.

It’s a new feeling for him, being this hurt by someone who isn’t Janus and isn’t his brother. And what’s worse is that Logan isn’t even meaning to hurt him, this is a hurt born from feeling empathy for another person. He knows that he should hate it, and that he should hate Logan for it as well. But the kicker is…

He can’t.

He can’t hate Logan for this, not when he made this happen.

“I’m sorry.” He wants to say it again and again, until Logan truly understands what he’s apologizing for, until Logan understands that he’s apologizing for the others as well and everything that they've done to hurt him, and until Logan felt that he could go back to the way that things were before all this.

Instead he just nods his head, “I know.” He turns over, so that Logan can have his tears in peace, “The others miss you though, they… think of you as family…” Remus winced, while the words didn’t exactly feel like a lie, it still felt…

Hollow.

Like it was too little and very much too late after everything that had been done, he knew that had he been in Logan’s shoes his reaction wouldn’t have nearly been so.. so nice. In his eyes, Logan was giving them far better than what they deserved, despite what he had said to Virgil… he knew that there wasn’t much he could do to help this situation, and that anything he did would mostly just make Logan pull away more and more. If anything, his ranting and even his presence here probably made things worse for the others already…

Just like with everything that he did.

Logan snorted roughly, and just that Remus was dragged back to the present.

“That too bad,” The logical side muttered sourly, his lips twisting into an angry frown. “They can imagine whatever they want, but our relationship was nothing more than them taking what they wanted from me, and leaving me in the dust. They don’t get to miss that just because I decide that I’ve had enough. No matter how much I regret that this is how things are, and no matter how much I miss them… this is how it is from now on. They ensured it.” Logan didn’t like the dark feeling that had seeped into his chest, the anger that burned there, or the hurt that seemed content with lacerating his heart every time he thought about how things used to be.

He could have been content, and he could have just turned a blind eye to all of this and just… looked at the good moments. Like when Virgil smiled at him after their mock debate, or when Roman had made him his book, and when Patton smiled at him after he had gotten the moral side his new hoodie. He could have just pretended, and learned to take things how they were, and make himself look away from the bad parts.

He could have…

But he didn’t want to anymore.

“I’m tired…” Logan finally sighed out, when only silence had answered him after his long spiel. “And maybe that’s boring of me too, but at least I can be happy with that.”

For a moment there was nothing, before Remus finally moved.

His arm tucked its way around Logan, pulling him in tight and holding him there firmly. “I know.” Remus merely said, those two words holding a deeper meaning than the logical side could ever truly know. “I know…”

Logan…

Logan wanted to break apart into a million pieces the moment that Remus had touched him, in a good way. It had felt like forever since he'd last touched one of the other sides, let alone a good touch that didn’t reek of annoyance from one of the others. It had been forever since he’d sat with the others, everyone touching everyone as they all watched movies late into the night. It had been forever since, Virgil had just casually sat with him on the couch, the anxious side leaning against him without a second thought. It had been forever since Roman had slung his arm over his shoulders to show him something new and interesting. And… and it had been forever since Patton had swiped his hair out of his face, in an act of care and love.

He hadn’t let them touch him, because he knew that if they did...

Logan heaved a shuddering breath, and turned into Remus’ one-armed embrace and shoved his face into the other side's chest. Letting his tears get soaked up by the fabric of the creative side’s shirt, just this once… he let himself do this.

While Remus…

Remus let his touches linger as he curls his entire body around Logan, as if he were protecting him just as it always had countless times with Janus.

It comes to him as easy as breathing does.

#logan sanders #ts logan #ts logan sanders #ts logan angst #logan angst #remus sanders #ts remus #ts remus sanders #sanders sides #ts sides #ts sanders sides #sanders sides fanfiction #ts sanders sides fanfiction #ts sides fanfiction

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sandsbuisle · 3 years ago

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Here’s how I think Alfred should die. (Yes, I’m aware he’s currently dead in the comics. But I disagree with it and hope he’ll be back, so here’s how I think his death should go)

I don’t want his death to be sudden or shocking. I want it to be long, I want everyone to see it coming, to see it as an inevitability. I want him to die of “old age” (in other words, I want him to die of health complications that you usually see in people his age)

Alfred is old. He’s apparently had a very exciting and fulfilling career in MI6 before retiring to become a butler, and it’s implied he’s been working for the Wayne’s since before Bruce was born. The man is old.

But I first want him to meet his great-grandchild. I want one of the bat-kids to become a parent. My preference is Dick or Babs, but I can understand Jason or Steph having one. (Tim, Cass and Steph are all still a bit young to be adopting a kid. If they find a kid in need of parenting, they should be the cool older sibling after Bruce adopts the kid. But while Tim is in a long-term, healthy same-sex relationship, and Cass I don’t feel is at the point in her character development that she’s ready for a serious relationship, I can see Steph becoming pregnant again, and this time deciding to keep the kid instead of putting them up for adoption. I can see her deliberating it, and deciding that she now has the support network, the financial stability and maturity to be a mother. Her dad is gone, she has Bruce and the rest of the Family, and she’s older and wiser. I could see her deciding she’s ready this time, could see motherhood being a part of her grand character arc, a mirror to how she was when we first met her, but better. I’d still prefer Dick or Babs, or even Jason)

I want the good news to be mildly dimmed by Alfred’s failing health. I want him to slowly get worse, and I want the rest of the family to start worrying about life without Alfred. I want them to struggle with figuring out how they’re going to find people to do Alfred’s job (it is frankly ridiculous that he takes care of as much as he does anyway, but with his health starting to deteriorate they will need to find people to fill in for him, including in the secret Bat-stuff). And with the thought that he might soon be gone.

I want Bruce to go through all the stages of grief while Alfred is still alive, as his health gets worse and worse. I want him to struggle with the thought of losing the man who has been a father to him since Thomas Wayne died. I want him to be afraid that Alfred will die alone while he’s out being Batman. I want the audience to worry about that too, to fear that this next issue is the one where Alfred dies.

I want Bruce to be at Acceptance by the time Alfred dies peacefully in his sleep. I think the rest of the family should be at various stages of grief by that point- I think at least one should have news of Alfred’s death finally push them past Denial. (I really want that to be Jason, since he’s got a very close relationship to Alfred, but I feel like he might be too used to people dying on him, that this would be too similar to his mother’s death, for him to get stuck on denial. I feel like its more realistic to have him struggle while in Anger/Bargaining. But someone should be in that stage)

I want everyone to see Alfred’s death coming. I want to see the various characters struggle through the grief process while he’s still alive. And I want this death to be permanent. Alfred’s been there since the beginning, and he’s watched all of his grandchildren die at least once. It’s time to retire the old man. But it needs to be done right.

But I want him to meet his great-grandchild first.

#Batman #Batfam #Alfred Pennyworth #Death tw #Death #death of old age #DC comics discourse #Dc Comics

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shuahoonie · 4 years ago

Text

holidays with tom [tom holland]

PAIRING: tom holland x female!reader

SUMMARY: life isn’t exactly back to normal. with another lockdown in place and the holiday season is vastly approaching, you and tom are stuck in quarantine with each other the problem? there was supposed to be at least 5 of you in that house and tom is the last person you want to be with. shouldn’t be too bad right?

WARNINGS: in no particular order swearing—err foul language lmao, sexual innuendos, things get heated but not that much??? exuding sexual tension but also fluff??? alcohol consumption, a series of bad decisions??? idk writing this made me experience the 5 stages of grief tbh lmao it’s not that bad I promise lmao

WORD COUNT: 6.9k!

A/N: hello and happy new year! I was supposed to post this during Christmas Day but guess who got into a writing rut—yet again. I didn’t want to abandon this because I actually had fun writing it. I hope you all had a festive and safe holiday. I know things have been hard but I still hope you guys enjoyed the holiday.

2020 has finally came to an end and we’re all ending it the same way when the pandemic started—staying at home, hopefully following the appropriate health measures. I can only hope that 2021 is a brighter and hopeful year for all of us.

stay safe, sending u all my love.

gif credits: @underoos-shield

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Two hours. It’s been two hours since you found out that you were going to spend your holidays alone. You were aware that you weren’t going to spend your holidays with your family as you normally would, embracing the fact that working in a different country whilst in the middle of a pandemic was going to be challenging.

Working in the film industry, constantly visiting sets while still living in a pandemic means that you threw away your chances of being home for the holidays. However, you weren’t entirely the only one who shares a similar struggle.

“We should still do something for Christmas, you know,” Tom muttered as he watched you lay down on the sofa, your head is supported by the armrest.

See—it should’ve been you, Ophelia, Alex, William, and Tom in that AirBnB, not just you and Tom.

The five of you reside abroad, however, you all had to fly to Los Angeles for work. You all collectively knew that it would be irresponsible to fly home for the holidays and it wouldn’t make any sense as you would all fly back for work anyway.

The five of you had a brilliant idea of renting an AirBnB for the holidays since you were all in each other’s personal and work bubble anyway. Obviously, the three of them bailed as they’ve decided to stay with their partners instead, leaving you and Tom alone—which is the last thing you’ve wanted.

“There’s just us two, Tom,” You replied as you sent a lengthy text to Ophelia, telling and reminding them about what happened between you and Tom. “I’m not entirely sure if it’s worth anything if we did plan on doing something remotely festive.”

There are four more days till Christmas and if you were being honest, the last time you felt festive was on the 18th of December...of 2019.

“Surely there’s something we can do, right?” Tom’s optimism still shined beneath him. “This year has already been shitty enough, we don’t need to feed more into that.”

The three dots bubble immediately popped up on your message thread with Ophelia as soon as you sent your passive-aggressive rant. Your focus was now on your phone.

Suddenly, Tom’s face appeared on top of yours—his face was definitely close enough that it’s not CDC approved. He was standing on side of the sofa, both of his palms planted against the armrest as he loomed over you.

“What do you and your family do during Christmas?” He dared to ask as if he wasn’t towering over you.

Your eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. “Uh—give each other personal space?” You answered out of sheer reflex. You always had a problem with keeping your mouth shut, especially when it sounds rude to other people. In your defence, being unable to do so has helped you put people back in place.

To be fair, you were used to people standing at least 6 ft away from you ever since the pandemic started.

Tom’s cheeks went bright red. “’m sorry,” He apologized, giving you a shy smile and scratched the back of his neck. You muttered a quick apology too, for acting so rashly.

You rose from your position and sat upright instead. “Well, we never do anything special during Christmas,” You said as you threw your hair into a bun. “We usually just go to the movies on Christmas Day because that’s the only thing you can do back when life was normal.”

Tom nodded understandingly as if he was taking this into account. Now you were curious.

“Do you guys do anything special for Christmas?” You asked him.

“Well, on Christmas Day, we would usually just lounge around the house and use it as a chance for me and my family to catch up,” Tom replied. “However, on Christmas Eve, my mum always made sure my brothers and I would have this scavenger hunt to look for our gifts—It’s really fun, actually.” Tom smiled sadly.

You could easily see how Tom was genuinely broken about not being able to be around his family over the holidays. Heck—he really just misses his family. But who wouldn’t? Britney Spears didn’t sing the line “my loneliness is killing me” for nothing.

“I’m sorry,” was all you could say. Aside from biting your tongue, being able to easily comfort people was one of your weaknesses too.

“Oh, there’s nothing to be sorry about, darling.” Tom quickly dismissed the genuine heartbreak he was trying to hide. “We’re all making sacrifices and we chose to be responsible for the benefit of other people.”

“Yeah, I know.” You said softly. “We’ll just try our best to make something out of this holiday season. I mean—we have to or else we’ll welcome 2021 with a fresh face of misery.”

“I’m sorry!” Ophelia pouted at the screen as they mindlessly walked around their partner’s place, something that most people do when they’re on the phone with someone. “I genuinely forgot about what happened between you and Tom.”

“Well, Ollie, it seems like you weren’t the only one.” You replied, adjusting your glasses. Tom seems to be genuinely fine around you, no awkward tensions or anything. If anything, it’s just you who feels weird around him. “But I guess that’s a good thing right?”

Ophelia forced a smile but they couldn’t, for the life of them, say anything about it.

“Oh my god,” You sighed “Seriously, Ollie?”

“It’s just—how could he forget?! You were literally on top of him as I recall and that very much left a permanent image on my mind. I—You know, I really tried my best to forget that ever existing in my mind. So really, if anything, it’s your fault.” Ophelia rambled on.

“I—I wasn’t on top of him. That’s absurd! I was merely pressed against him” You said defensively, in which Ophelia just laughed atrociously. “Why am I friends with you again?!” You asked rhetorically, bewildered by the fact that you two lasted this long.

“First of all, that is a hate crime. Second, I’m cool—like everyone wants to be my friend and you should be glad that I gave you the privilege to be even on a nickname basis as me.”

You rolled your eyes at them. Despite the never-ending banter, you were grateful to have Ophelia as your friend.

“But seriously, Y/N,” Ophelia said, “You can always just stay with me and Ericka. She’ll be glad to have you over for the holidays.”

“Ollie, as much as I love spending time with you two—I can’t stand being a third-wheel, especially when it comes to the both of you. You two are inseparable when you’re together.” You replied. “I appreciate the offer though.” You smiled at her.

“I’m just saying—” Ophelia replied, shrugging her shoulder. “Unless you and Tom really want to have the house by yourselves.” They sang teasingly.

“Ophelia!” You gasped.

“What?” They feigned innocence. “I gave you an option to stay with us! Plus, I know Alex and Will are would’ve asked you to stay with them if they had any idea what happened between you two.”

“I can’t leave him!” You started to whisper “Tom seems genuinely bummed being here. I can’t just do that to him.”

It’s as if a light came on inside them. Ophelia started to smirk and you recognized that smirk from anywhere. For christ’s sake, their eyes twinkled like Christmas lights. It drove you nuts. “I fucking knew it.”

“What?”

“You like him don’t you?!” They teased, but all you could do was blush.

“I do not!” You denied it as you could still feel the burning heat emitting from your cheeks.

“His tongue is that good huh?” Ophelia decided to pry even further. They clearly find enjoyment as you squirmed your way out of this conversation.

“Bitch, I am ending this call.” That was all you could say. Even if you did find a smart retort, it was no use, especially with Ophelia. They can see right through you and there’s no point in trying to hide it.

“Honestly, Y/N, we’re living through a pandemic. If there’s any time to make any rash decisions, it’s now. Go get that dick, bih—”

You drowned out whatever Ophelia was trying to say with your goodbyes and proceeded to end the call. The one time you asked your friend to be serious and they come up with this.

So—what really happened with you and Tom?

It was two years ago. You were at a party that you didn’t even plan on attending. However, you were dragged by Ophelia and their partner, Ericka—your new friends in the area. You couldn’t say no to them, they were your first friend in LA!

You thought about it though, saying no. But when you got a message from your friend back in Canada sending a photo of your boyfriend ex-boyfriend (the same guy who had ghosted you ever since you moved to LA), swapping spits with another girl, you suddenly had the strong urge to drink until you die of alcohol poisoning.

You were burning with anger that you really felt tears pricking your eyes. You were so close to crying or punching someone—whichever comes first.

One thing’s for sure, though, you weren’t going to cry over a man. So what did you do? “Ophelia, where’s the booze?!” You asked your friend whose eyes nearly popped out of their head.

Well, you weren’t really going to punch a stranger. Though you felt this burning sense of violence, it’d be much more satisfying to punch the living daylights out on your ex.

“Y/N, honey, are you alright?” That line always puts on the waterworks, no? Ophelia was clearly concerned about your newfound thirst for alcohol.

You furiously wiped the tears off your face. “Um just found out my boyfriend—er ex-boyfriend, who stopped talking to me as soon as I moved here, is seeing someone else now? I don’t know, am I allowed to feel angry when I don’t even know if we’re still together as soon I moved? Fuck—” You tried to explain as you wiped every tear that left your eyes.

“Oh—of course, hon.” Ericka who handed you a drink. You weren’t exactly sure what it is, but you knew it has alcohol in it and that’s all that matters. You gulped the entire thing and you wanted more. “Y/N, you need to slow down.”

“Are you sure you want to stay? I mean we can crash at our place, eat take-outs, watch movies and be totally disconnected from the world.” Ophelia suggested, but you shook your head furiously.

“No, I—I’m ok.” You answered “I can’t let the both of you be stuck in misery with me. I need this. I’ll get drunk and if I'm up for it, I’ll hook up with someone. It’s not a healthy coping method but I really want this night to be a series of bad decisions. I don’t want to be myself, even just tonight.”

So that’s what you did. You were going from one drink to another in record time. Both Ophelia and Ericka kept an eye on you, just in case someone tried to take advantage of your drunken state.

You were talking to some guy you met in the kitchen, one thing led to another and next thing you knew, you were making out with this dude in someone’s bathroom. Ophelia and Ericka were drunk enough to pester the guy you were making out with but not drunk

As you were propped on top of the sink and your legs wrapped around his waist, you felt every bit of his lips explore the side of your neck as his hands explored every inch of your body. With his hand under your shirt and his fingers tracing every part of your skin, it just reminded you of how lonely you were.

Here you were, a thousand miles away from home, all alone just so you could do the one thing you really love. Your family would sometimes call to check up on you but it just wasn’t the same. Your ex tried to guilt you into staying in Canada, but you couldn’t do that. You love what you do and you love yourself too.

You were willing to risk everything, even if happiness came at a price.

Now you were crying, and the guy you were making out with definitely noticed.

“I’m sorry, am I making you uncomfortable?” He asked as he pulled down your shirt.

“No—no, I’m just—” You tried to calm yourself down. “I’m not sure if I want to do this anymore.”

“That’s alright,” He mumbled wiping the tears off your face. “Do you want to talk about it? You seem rattled.”

“It’s just I’m so tired of pretending everything is alright—that I’m okay being alone, that I don’t need anyone. But it’s just so hard because I’m—” You sobbed “I’m so fucking lonely. I’m so tired of being alone.”

The guy tucked the stray piece of hair behind your ears as he carefully wiped your tears with his thumb. He was just silent as he listened to you sob.

“I’m sorry, I know you definitely didn’t come to this party to watch a complete stranger cry over something stupid.” You couldn’t even look him in the eye, you were embarrassed as this was the first time you felt really vulnerable—especially in front of a stranger.

“No, you’re alright.” He tried to console you “I think that’s the beauty in strangers, no? You can act and do whatever you want in front of them because there’s a slim chance you’ll ever see them again.”

You were definitely drunk enough that trying to make sense of who the person was a struggle enough of itself. You tried your best to look at the guy but your vision was getting hazy and you could feel your head thumping that focusing made you feel like you want to crack your head in half.

A loud knock on the door caused you two to jump. “I’m coming in,” Ophelia yelled and opened the door. Ophelia looked at the guy for a while, trying to make sense of who he was before their eyes widened. “I remember now—You’re Tom Holland.”

Imagine your surprise when you found out that you were going to work with Tom Holland for a while. You tried your best to avoid Tom at work but of course, that didn’t work out. He never brought up what happened between you two and you assumed he probably forgot all about it.

You tried to rationalize that he meets a lot of people every day. Surely, one failed hook-up wasn’t worth remembering (especially with alcohol involved) and you held on to that.

At least that’s what makes you sleep at night and also one of the reasons why you considered spending the holidays with him. However, you were also expecting your crew friends to stay with you and not just Tom.

“Y/N, did you like the gift? It’s from me and Ericka!” Ophelia asked. It was the next day and you two were just chatting on FaceTime. You were sorting out your closet out of sheer boredom. You figured if you were going to stay here for three weeks, the least you could do was sort your clothes out.

You stared at the neatly wrapped box that Ophelia and Ericka dropped off earlier this morning. “I haven’t opened it yet.” You said as you showed them the box. “I wanna open it till Christmas.”

“Oh my god, just open it. Christmas doesn’t exist this year, babe.” Ophelia waved their hand, encouraging you to open it.

“Fine,” You gave in. You opened the box and saw a very lush and well-made lingerie set. “Ophelia, what the fuck” You gasped. You held out the lingerie in front of the camera.

“Y/N, I definitely outdid myself this time.” Ophelia sighed happily, staring at the screen. “Try it on!”

“Ollie, this is gorgeous but when am I ever going to use this?” You asked holding it out on your body and looking at the mirror.

“Uh—you’re stuck at home with your failed but also potential hookup,” Ollie suggested, wiggling their eyebrows. “Who knows what might happen?”

You rolled your eyes at them. “Bold of you assume that something might happen.”

“Something won’t happen if you don’t try that one,” Ophelia said. “C’mon, I wanna see.”

You shook your head and went out of frame in order to strip off your clothes. You tried on the lingerie—it’s a black lace teddy with a very exposing back. IT fit you perfectly—it accentuated your figure and definitely showed off your boobs. You weren’t really fond of showing off your body but you still tried your best to show it to your friend.

“What do you think?” You asked, stepping back to the frame.

“You look gorgeous, babe!” Ophelia squealed. “I knew I made the right choice with black.”

“I still don’t know where I should wear this though—” You were stopped mid-sentence when your door swung open.

“I know what we’re doing this—Oh shit. I’m so sorry,” Tom stood there, frozen, his eyes widened and immediately shut the door.

You couldn’t even say anything. You were frozen in shock.

“Was that Tom?” Ophelia asked from the call, briefly forgetting that you were talking to them through FaceTime.

You nodded slowly, unable to talk.

“What did he think?” Ophelia asked excitedly.

You snapped out of this haze. “Ollie,” you groaned. “I think he was mentally scarred.

“What do you mean scarred? You look great!” Ophelia said, appalled. “If he doesn’t think you look banging in that lingerie then it’s his loss.”

“I gotta go, I need to change.” You said, bidding Ophelia goodbye. “Thanks for the gift, Ollie. Tell Ericka thanks too.”

You ended the call and changed into comfier clothes. You couldn’t help but wonder how on earth you’re going to face Tom now that he’s seen you practically naked. Well, it’s not like that’s a new sight. He did see you with your bra on when you were making out in the bathroom that one time. But still!

Are you actually going to spend your Christmas in your room?

It was the next day and there are only two more days till Christmas. You spent the entirety of last night in your room after the incident between you and Tom.

You were about to make yourself some coffee when you found Tom in the kitchen, making tea for himself. You stood there frozen, wondering if you were going to proceed to the kitchen or just run back to your room since Tom hasn’t noticed you—

“Oh—good morning, Y/N.” So close.

You smiled at Tom and said, “Good morning, Tom.”

You grabbed a coffee pod and waited for the Keurig to make your coffee. You leaned back against the counter and fiddled with your phone—all in the hopes that things move quickly and for this awkward tension to be over.

Honestly, why were you so worked up about it? People have seen you in a bikini before and that’s no different from lingerie. If anything, lingerie is itchier and has lace. You should be able to feel confident in your own body and you shouldn’t have to mind what other people think of it. It’s yours alone and it’s your opinion that should matter—

“I’m terribly sorry about last night, Y/N.” Tom apologized, sincerity was written all over his face. “I should’ve knocked and I just got so bloody excited about what we can do over Christmas—but that’s no excuse for what I’ve done. What I did was incredibly intrusive and you deserve a proper apology.”

“Tom, I—”

“I wanted to apologize last night—over dinner—but you didn’t come down to eat, so I figured you didn’t want to talk. “ He rambled on.

“Tom—”

“But even then I should’ve asked you to come down and eat dinner because that’s what any decent human would do! And yet I didn’t. God—I’m just doing one wrong thing after another—”

“Tom, listen to me.”

“Hm?” He finally snapped out and looked at you in the eyes.

“It’s okay. It was an honest mistake and you sincerely apologized, and for me, that’s enough.” You smiled softly at him. “So—what’s this thing you planned over Christmas?”

“I was thinking we could do both our family traditions over the next two days. My family and I usually do a roast dinner and open our Christmas stockings on Christmas Eve. Then on the 25th, we can watch movies all day just like you do with your family.” Tom grinned, clearly satisfied with his plan. “What do you think?”

“I think it’s a great idea,” You smiled “However, I don’t think we have any ingredients for a roast dinner and we don’t really have Christmas stockings. Well—I don’t have any Christmas stockings and stocking stuffers.”

“That’s true,” Tom mumbled “But I have to do the food shopping anyway. We’re running low on food and I couldn't really book one of those online delivery things that most groceries now offer.”

You nodded. “Okay, so I guess I have to get the house sorted then.”

When you two first arrived in this AirBnB a few days ago, it had already been decorated for Christmas. It had a massive tree in the living room decorated with stunning and intricately-themed ornaments. Christmas garlands were wrapped around the stair-bannisters and foliages were placed by the fireplace and the tables.

All you really had to do was clean the place—do a bit of vacuuming and get things nice and neat for Christmas. It didn’t take you too long to do it too. It had only been a couple of minutes since Tom left to do the food shopping and you prayed to the gods that he doesn’t get too much attention whilst out.

You figured you might as well do some last-minute shopping while Tom was out, so you can grab gifts for him as well. After all, this whole thing was orchestrated by Tom and you don’t even have anything to give him for his stockings.

You arrived at your AirBnB a tad later than Tom. He was in the kitchen putting things away when he saw you walk through the door.

“Ah, I was wondering whether I spooked you with my plan,” Tom commented, making you chuckle and roll your eyes.

“Trust me, I would’ve made it very obvious if you did.” You replied, earning a laugh from Tom. “I went out to do my last-minute shopping. Granted, it’s not ideal since we’re still living through a pandemic, but there’s not actually that many people where I went to considering it’s the Christmas rush.”

You made sure to hide the stuff you bought using the handmade tote bags that a friend gave you for your birthday. No retail bags, no clue. “How did you survive the groceries? I bet it’s busy out there.”

“Yeah, it was.” Tom chuckled, scratching the back of his head. “Remind me to never do that again for Christmas.”

“Sure,” You said, “That is if I spend another Christmas with you.” You said jokingly, hoping that Tom didn’t find that rude.

“You’ll never know,” Tom shrugged. “What if you liked our Christmas this year and you’d be begging to spend Christmas with me and my family in London,” Tom smirked, playing along.

“Yeah, right.” You scoffed playfully, crossing your arms. “If anyone’s begging, it’s going to be you.”

Tom stepped closer, “Wanna bet?” He whispered, a teasing look in his eyes. “Whoever has the most fun during our respective holiday traditions would have to spend the holidays with them next year.”

“Oh, you’re on, Holland.” You took a step closer. “We will both film our holidays for the entire two days and then we’ll ask Ophelia, Alex, and Will to vote whoever looks like they had the most fun.”

“Okay,” Tom nodded “But no editing! We’ll give them raw footage so there are no chances of tampering.”

You laughed but you agreed anyway. “Of course, we’ll give them hours of footage. The least we could do is make them sit through hours of content after they ditched us all alone on the holidays.”

Tom gave a broad smile. “Let the festivities begin.”

It was the 24th of December—Christmas Eve. You spent the entirety of last night wrapping Tom’s presents for later. Not that you despise Christmas, but it’s been a while since you were actually excited to celebrate it. It was pretty clear that the magic of Christmas dies once you grow up.

Today was different; you were looking forward to whatever Tom has installed for tonight.

You went downstairs to make some breakfast only to be greeted by Tom blasting Christmas music and preparing some ingredients for breakfast in the kitchen.

“Good morning, Y/N, happy Christmas Eve,” Tom greeted with a huge grin. “Say, hi to the camera.”

“Oh, we’re starting this early, huh?” You asked, putting your hair into a loose ponytail.

“Why of course, we have to make the best out of this,” Tom said, holding the camera to your face. “I made you coffee.” Tom handed you a cup of coffee.

“Are you using my love for coffee as an advantage?” You tried to hide your smile while drinking your coffee.

“Obviously not,” Tom feigned his innocence. “I obviously did not know you were obsessed with coffee—it’s not like I don’t see you on set without one.” He mumbled in which you definitely heard, giving him a smack on the head. “Ow! I’m kidding.” He laughed.

You rolled your eyes at him. “So, what’s for breakfast?”

“We’re going to make french crèpes,” Tom replied and propped the camera on the kitchen island, facing the two of you.

“Do you know how to make french crèpes?” You asked, washing your hands.

Tom blinked, almost trying to decide whether he wants to be honest or impressive. “Do you know how to make french crèpes?” He returned the question.

“Oh honey, my mom resents me in the kitchen.” You replied, taking a sip from your coffee. “But you know, I manage.” You murmured.

“That’s giving me a lot of hope, darling, thank you.” He said half-heartedly.

“Shut up,” You nudged him playfully, rolling your eyes. “Tom, honestly, most of the footage is just us bantering for 20 minutes.”

“To be fair, that’s part of the fun.” Tom smiled. “Okay, I think you just mix all of these in a bowl. Start with the dry ingredients first.” He said, looking at the recipe on his phone.

“Okay, that shouldn’t be too hard,” You commented pouring the ingredients into the bowl. As you started all of the ingredients together, you noticed small lumps forming in the batter. “Tom, did you sift the dry ingredients by chance?”

“You were supposed to sift it?” He asked, completely clueless.

You nodded slowly. Panic was now clearly painted on his face. “I’m sure we’ll be fine.” You tried to reassure him.

It was not fine. The first time you two tried to pour the batter in the pan, you burnt the entire thing. It’s not even the cute, lightly burnt crepe. It was activating the smoke alarm-burnt crepe.

The next one was pancake-like. The next one after that had pocket flours on the crepes because you two didn’t sift your dry ingredients beforehand. You ran out of the batter when you two finally got the consistency right—you managed to get one proper crepe from the entire batter.

“I feel like Sam would probably curse me out as soon as he finds out I fucked up a simple crepe,” Tom said, delicately filling the crepe with creme and berries. “My brother’s done so well in culinary school.” He cut a piece with his fork and brought it to your mouth.

“Well, you can’t have everything.” You said taking a bite out of the crepe. “This is better than the last one.”

Tom nodded, taking a bite of it himself. “It’s not as tasty as Sam’s but I’ll take it.”

“Now, I’m curious as to what your brother’s cooking tastes like.” You commented taking another bite from the crepe.

“I guess I’ll just take you home to London to find out,” Tom teased with an annoying grin.

“As long as I’m being fed, I’m fine with it.” You remarked. What in god’s name are you are you two playing?!

The day rolled by very quickly. It was already evening when you finished wrapping the presents for your friends. You plan on dropping it off tomorrow before you persuade Tom to glue yourselves on the couch for the entire day.

You grabbed all of Tom’s gifts—Christmas stocking included— when you went downstairs, only to be greeted by someone yelling at Tom through his phone.

“I did everything right, Sam. I don’t know why you’re yelling.” Tom yelled back at his phone. His back was turned against you as he was putting away the pots and pans that he used.

You quietly walked up behind him and said calmly, “Why are you yelling?”

Tom probably jumped six feet away from you, making you laugh. You always forget that he gets scared easily. “Holy shit, don’t scare me like that, Y/N.” Tom breathed out, putting a hand over his chest.

“I’m sorry,” You said whilst laughing. “I promise I won’t do it again.” Tom rolled his eyes, murmuring something about you being insincere about it.

“Please do it again!” You heard, whom you assume is Sam, say from the background. You looked at Tom’s phone that’s propped on the island and saw his brothers on FaceTime.

You beamed at them. “Any recommendations?” You asked, hearing Tom groan behind you.

“Well, he hates—”

“This is the last thing I want in 2020, for my brothers and Y/N to conspire against me,” Tom said loudly on purpose, drowning his brothers' voices.

“Tom, don’t be rude. Let your brothers finish—” Tom put his hand against your mouth.

“I’ll call you guys later,” Tom said “Wave goodbye, Y/N.” He used his free hand to grab your hand and forced a wave towards his brothers. The call soon came to an end and you could only roll your eyes at Tom. You seem to do that a lot around him. You also do a lot of that when you try to hide your feelings towards a person you like but that’s beside the point.

“So are we going to have dinner first or are we going to do presents first?” You asked fixing your Christmas sweater, a gift from your parents since you and your family usually wear matching sweaters for Christmas. “Or are you the type to wait until Christmas Day to open presents?”

“We can do the Christmas stockings after dinner tonight, then do the presents tomorrow, if you’d like,” Tom answered with his arms crossed.

You shrugged, telling him it doesn’t matter since you don’t really go all out on Christmas. Your family on the other hand—the house is always full of people, especially since most of your extended family are usually around during the holidays. You had this ongoing game you made for yourself whether or not you’ll be able to greet everyone with the number of people in the house.

You could only guess how quiet your family’s Christmas is going to be. You definitely needed to call your parents later.

“Is the sweater that itchy, Y/N?” You heard Tom ask, breaking away from your thoughts.

“Huh?” You asked, confused. You didn’t even notice that you’ve been scratching yourself subconsciously.

“You’ve been scratching yourself since I saw you.” Tom said, chuckling. “It’s a cute sweater on you.”

You smirked. “That reminds me—I got something for you, Tom.” Tom raised his brow as you grabbed the bag you stashed behind the tree. “Actually my parents got this for you. A little thank you gift apparently for having the tolerance to stay with me over the holidays—as if you had a choice.” You mumbled the last part.

Tom curiously opened the bag and there revealed a matching sweater such as yours. This year’s sweater was green and had red tinsel all over it, probably the reason why you’re itchy. The real kicker is that—

“No way,” Tom gasped “It lights up?!” He asked laughing. It lights up.

“Yeah, I don’t recommend turning that on. I did it earlier and I’m pretty sure I was about to combust—it’s a real fire hazard.” You replied, enjoying the genuine joy that Tom is showing on his face.

“Oh but we have to turn the lights on when we take pictures,” He commented as he put on the sweater. “Thanks, Y/N.” He said softly, surprising you with a hug.

It’s the first real physical contact that you two had ever since that night when you made out and you were pretty adamant that people were just making up this notion of having butterflies in their stomach—they weren’t.

Tom’s roast dinner went surprisingly well. You kept teasing him that it’s Sam that you had to thank because you knew that Tom wouldn’t last in the kitchen without his brother’s instructions. Tom pouted the whole time. You eventually had to tell him

“It was sweet.” You told him as you helped him clear out the plates.

Tom was confused.

“I don’t think I’ve known someone that went through hell and back just to make a great effort Christmas dinner —even if it means getting yelled at by your brother.” You said, smiling softly at him. “I mean it’s just us two, really. We don’t even have to do this.”

“Think that’s the reason why I wanted to do it,” Tom replied. Now you’re confused. “It’s because it’s the two of us—that’s why I wanted to do it.”

As soon as you heard those words come out of Tom’s lips, you tried your best to stay calm. To say that you weren’t overwhelmed with emotions would be a huge lie. For someone who couldn’t hold their tongue, you were speechless. Tom’s giving you a run for your money and you weren’t exactly thrilled about it.

After dinner, you and Tom opened your stocking presents. The presents were pretty tame at the start—you both got each other socks, which was hilarious but greatly appreciated. You love socks, especially comfy and cushiony ones. You came to learn that Tom does too, which prompted you two to wear the socks immediately.

You got him candy canes, he got you chocolates. You also snuck in those small, in-flight alcohol bottles in there too—which he ended up loving. He got you those 10-pack skincare face masks, in which you let out a huge gasp, making him laugh.

“Oh, we have to use this at some point!” You exclaimed happily “Like, we need to have a spa night—where we just watch movies, doing face masks, eating takeouts. Oh, that’s the dream!” You sighed happily.

“We still have two weeks left till we go back to work, I'm sure we can find the time to do that,” Tom said with a permanent smile on his face, watching you with pure joy made him feel like he accomplished something big.

You got him one of those Instax polaroid cameras—true, it was a bit too much for a stocking stuffer especially since the box definitely stood out against the stocking, but you figured he’ll like it.

“Darling, this is too much but I’m thankful,” Tom commented as he took out the camera from the box. “I can’t wait to use this and keep memories using it—why don’t we start right now?! Let’s take a photo of us and our matching sweaters!”

Tom took a lot of photos of you two, in the end. A couple of overexposed photos, one with the matching sweaters, one with your faces pressed against each other, one with your faces way too close to the camera, and one where he gave you a kiss on your cheek (he asked if that’s okay, of course, you said yes. it’s not like he hasn’t kissed you before— still no conversations about that, by the way). It was a good thing you got him at least 3 boxes of those 20 pack films in his stockings as well.

The real kicker was Tom’s “small” stocking present for you. He got you this dainty, gold necklace with a crescent moon charm. You were pretty sure it was expensive because of the teal box it came with.

“Stop,” You gasped “Tom, now this—this is too much.” You stressed out. “I can’t have this. Nope, you have to return this.”

Tom shrugged as if it was nothing. “You deserve it. Darling, you deserve something nice after this shitty year.”

“Tom, I’m serious. This is too much.”

“I’m serious too, Y/N. Keep it, please. I’d be offended if you don’t.”

After the roller coaster of emotions due to the stocking presents, you gave your parents a call to wish them a merry Christmas. They insisted to do a video call because they wanted to see Tom in the family sweater—which your mom wouldn’t stop gushing about.

“I think your mum loves me,” Tom whispered closely in your ear. He didn't have to try too hard. With the laptop propped up on top of the coffee table, you two were sitting close together on the living room floor—knees touching, maximum close skin contact. CDC would never approve.

“Yeah, I think it’s the accent,” You mumbled jokingly.

Tom moved his head to take a good look at you, smiling. You could feel his eyes burning your skin. Why does he have to look at you like that? Why does he have to be this close?

The initial video call with your parents turned into a whole family reunion when you found out they set up a group call with your extended family. Imagine the dread and fear in your eyes when you heard your one aunt ask,

“Finally, Y/N, is that your boyfriend?”

Your eyes widened as you stuttered to say your defence, making Tom chuckle. You frowned at him and nudged him saying, “Don’t laugh, tell them no or I’ll never hear the end of it.”

“No, unfortunately, I’m not,” Tom replied, laughing. “However, I do believe we make a cute couple, don’t we?” He teased, earning an earnest yes from your mom.

You could only wish for the floor to swallow you whole.

As the clocks rolled to twelve, it was officially Christmas. You and Tom figured you might as well start opening gifts again because Christmas Day is going to be a drag for the two of you.

“Okay, start with this.” You said as you handed him a gift bag. You didn’t give him a lot of gifts for the actual Christmas Day because you went all out on the stuffers.

“Pyjamas?” He asked with a grin. You made a signal for him to give you a minute. You ran to your room and changed into pyjamas.

“Not just pyjamas, Tom, but matching pyjamas!” You exclaimed, laughing. “I saw it and figured we should do this for my day.”

“Sick!” Tom laughed. Tom got into his pair of pyjamas as well and of course, he didn’t forget to pull out his new polaroid camera to take a photo of you two. “Shit, I forgot to film our entire Christmas Eve.” He said as he saw the camera that was still sitting on the kitchen island from earlier that morning.

You shrugged. “I’m pretty sure you’ll win either way. Just that content from the breakfast crepes was enough to secure your place.” You said jokingly.

“All I’m hearing is that you’re going to spend Christmas with me in London next year.” Tom sang teasingly.

“Yeah, maybe bringing you to our big Christmas holidays is a bad idea.” You wondered out loud.

“I like your family,” Tom commented with a smile “and I think they will love having me there for the holidays.”

“That would be a nightmare.” You mumbled to yourself.

The rest of the night dragged on. You and Tom finished the rest of your gifts—you got him a watch, he got you a vinyl player. You two managed to watch the first Harry Potter film before you called it a night.

You were about to head into your room when you heard Tom say, “Mistletoe.”

“Hm?” You hummed, confused. He placed a finger under your chin and gently tilted your head. There you saw a mistletoe hanging by one of the light fixtures.

“How did that even—”

“Can I kiss you?” Tom asked, cupping the sides of your face.

“Hm?” Tom was definitely giving you a run for your money. How can a girl with a speech turn speechless?

“Can I kiss you?” He asked more softly. All you could do was nod. For if you even dare to open your mouth, all of this would cease to exist.

His lips gently touched yours and then soon moulded into one. It was soft, sweet—familiar. His lips were something you never thought about—at least not a lot but you craved it. You crave his lips, his touch, him. You were riding a new high and you thanked every single god that you were sober to remember this—because this, this is something you want to cherish.

“You told me you’re tired of being alone,” Tom whispered against your lips. “You don’t have to be anymore. Not when you have me, not ever.”

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