#i’m especially not over the don’t smile piano intro (and just that song in general)

[sparklyseblos]

it’s been 2 months since short n sweet came out and i’m still not over it. what an album truly

[jinmindeulle]

of love and other poems | myg

word count: 3.2 k

pairing: min yoongi x reader

genre: art gallery au, pianist/artist au, pianist!yoongi x artist!reader ∣ almost smut?, fluff

warnings: minor cursing

a/n: and with of love and other poems, i officially get started with my bts works! i have been waiting so long for this moment, especially because i love bts with my whole heart and they are my ultimate everything. although seokjin’s my bias, i had to get started with the bias wrecker. more things to come!!

happy reading! ♥

My hands were tinted with every colour of my palette. Most of my paintbrushes were used, spread over my dark wooden table, also painted with multiple colours and materials. Luckily, my floor was covered with a thousand plastic sheets that Taehyung had given me after seeing how messy my art room got every time I stepped inside it. That’s why I recently stopped trying to clean it. There’s no use when I literally have been spending my entire afternoons here.

“Could you book it, Tae? Are you sure that no one’s taking my place that day?”

“Relax, y/n” he chuckled, showing me the Seoul’s National Art Gallery’s website in his laptop “I have already booked yours and mine, and I checked twice. It’s going to be alright”

“You know that this is no joke, and I always get anxious over fucking everything!” I sighed, walking backwards some steps so that I could take a look at my last piece “What do you think? I’m planning to have this one at the entrance”

“So that’s the intro? It’s stunning, y/n” Tae smiled, displaying his boxy grin “You’ll graduate with honours! I’m so proud of you!” he hugged me tight, shaking our bodies with excitement.

“You too!” I giggled, hugging him back.

Although I was constantly worried about how well my art would do in every class, Taehyung was always there to reassure me and make sure that I was satisfied. Nearing our college graduation, however, my insecurities got worse and worse. Surrounded by talented people, including my best friend, I knew for a fact that I was going to have a hard time coming up with something creative and meaningful to display as my final exam. At the same time, we were not only in charge of our work, but also of booking our place at the Seoul’s National Art Gallery on the weekend that our delivery was due, of arranging our pieces and exhibiting them for the general public as if we already were the professional artists that we hoped to become after that damned exam. My anxiety levels were reaching their peaks as that day got closer, so Taehyung made sure to spend as much time with me as possible.

“Don’t you need to get back to your apartment? You had to finish your last piece too” I pouted.

“I can manage”

“Tae…” I whined “You know how much I appreciate and thank you for being here with me, but you need to focus on your exam too. Go home, I can deal with myself for a bit”

“It’s okay, really” he took my chin with one of his large hands and playfully shook my head “Jimin is practicing his routine for his own final exam and I-”

“Need silence to paint, I know” I interrupted him, chuckling “So you’ll stay the night, then?”

“Seems like you want to” he teasingly wiggled his eyebrows, earning an arm smack from me “Ouch!”

“Go order some pizza while I take a shower, dummy”

.

.

Although some say that taking a shower is a way of relaxing, I highly disagree.

Less than two days away from my final exposition, my head wouldn’t stop thinking and re-evaluating every aspect of my already finished pieces, going over every detail that could go wrong that day. I knew I had taken care of everything and anything, but it still felt like something was missing. My art was there, ready to take to the gallery and exhibit, I rehearsed and rehearsed what to say about each piece probably a thousand times and my outfit was already picked up, obviously by Tae. What else was there to complement my artwork?

As I dried my hair, going over the poem that was behind my paintings in my head, Taehyung’s deep, caramel voice came muffled through the bathroom’s door. He was singing that same old song that complimented his tone like no other. Enjoying the melody, I turned off the hair dryer and got started with my night-time skincare routine, softly humming along Tae’s voice.

It was then when it hit me.

“That’s what I fucking need!” I yelled, running out of the bathroom with half of my face covered in my green facemask.

Taehyung’s eyes went wide upon seeing me desperately going in circles around the coffee table, screaming nonsensical words and having the eleventh mental breakdown over the course of the afternoon. But as he was too used to my stupidity, he got up from the couch and stopped me on my tracks, putting his big hands on my shoulders. “Calm down, y/n, what’s wrong now?”

“I need music!” I panicked “My art gallery won’t be complete if I don’t fucking have live music to accompany the mood! It’ll be utterly horrible!” my eyes watered “How the fuck do I find a decent musician in less than 48 hours?!”

“God, y/n, I thought you were questioning your life choices again” he sighed, engulfing me in a comforting hug. I felt some tears go down my face, angry at myself for letting those dumb things get to my head as fast as they pop up. I embraced his waist, cuddling closer to his neck but trying not to stain his pale-blue linen shirt with my facemask. “I know someone that could help”

“You do?” I sobbed, dethatching my face from his collarbone and looking up at his bright orbs.

“He’s a wonderful pianist and has brilliant taste in music. I’ll call him tomorrow first thing in the morning”

“You’re amazing, Tae” I cried, going back to his tight hold “I don’t know what I would do without you”

“Me neither” he chuckled, kissing the top of my head.

.

.

“You’ll do like no other, honey bunch. Just breath in and out, calm yourself down and most importantly, enjoy. You’ve been working so hard for this day and you cannot let it go to waste. You’ll smash it”

Once again embraced in Taehyung’s arms, I breathed in his scent as an attempt to calm down my beating heart. No one had arrived yet, but I was already at my fifth mental breakdown. All of the hard work that I had non-stop been carrying out for the past four years was hanging by a thread today, and as my best friend said, I could not ruin it by being a dumb bundle of nerves. Just when I was finally keeping my heartbeat under control, Tae’s phone started buzzing inside his suit’s pocket.

“That must be my pianist friend” he muttered, taking a look at his iPhone screen. “Yep. He’s here already, let me go get him!”

“Okay” I sighed, straightening my dress as he jogged out of the room.

My art pieces were already hanging on the walls, telling the story that I had wanted them to tell for so long. Each one had their own meaning, their own reason to be. Unlike those first paintings of mine, these had a purpose and they were able to talk to the observer, but only if they closely paid attention to every detail.

“That’s spectacular”

Such unfamiliar voice took me out of my thoughts, making me turn around to find the face that matched it. And goddamnit. Dumbfounded, speechless, mouth dried. That pianist was indeed spectacular.

“Th-thank you” that was all I could say. Damn, y/n, get it together!

“Min Yoongi” he stretched his hand, and I awkwardly shook it, praying to whatever God was above us to just let my blushing cheeks go back to normal as soon as possible.

“y/n l/n”

“Taehyung told me” he smiled, shoving his hands inside his pockets and looking around the gallery “I meant it when I said they are incredible”

“I-I appreciate it” I tightly closed my eyes, breathing in and out to help my heart beat at normal pace once more “And thank you for coming on such a short notice” I opened them up, just to find his endearing face looking at me with a soft smile over his rosy lips “It was a last-minute thought and I really needed music for my exhibit”

“I had the day off, so no worries. I know how important music is and I just wanted to help. Plus, I owed Taehyung a favour”

“It means a lo-”

“y/n! Professor’s here with a bunch of people!” a frantic Taehyung came running into the room, interrupting my exchange with the ravishing pianist “Get into place, you dummy! And you too, hyung!” and immediately after screaming at us, he went back to his place as my gallery’s receptionist.

“Good luck, artist. I’ll do my best to reach your standards” and with that, he walked straight to the giant shiny piano that was laying right in front of my last, ‘outro’ piece, and smoothly ran his expert fingers over the keys.

[BGM: i need u, piano version]

I could not take my eyes off of his veiny hands the moment he got started with his fascinating art, making me instantly regret having Taehyung take care of my one a.m. requests.

“How stunning, Miss. y/n!”

.

.

I was nearly running out of energy when Taehyung informed me that the last visitor was out of the room. He hugged me so tightly that I thought I was about to pass out, but at that point I could not care less.

“I’m so proud of you, honey bunch!” he giggled, picking me up from the ground and squeezing the life out of me, as he always does “It was impressive. Everyone loved it! You should have heard how they complimented your pieces as they left the gallery!”

“Tae…” I answered with difficulty, trying to catch some air “You’re clutching… me too… tight!”

“Sorry!” he put me down, arranging some of the hairs that went out of my perfectly styled bun.

“Thank you Tae” I sighed with a content smile “You made this possible too. And I will be there for you next week just as you were here today. I love you” I kissed his cheek, making him get flustered just as I wanted him to. “Now go home. You need to rest”

“But-”

“Kim Taehyung!” I interrupted him “I’ll finish here. I want to stay for a bit on my own and then I’ll go home.”

“Fine” he pouted “But you text me when you get home, please. It’s too late for you to be walking on the streets all alone”

“M-hm” I nodded, watching him go backwards as he waved at me “See you, babes!”

“Be careful!”

“Yes, dad” I shook my head, giggling at his antics.

Once he was out of the room, I heavily sighed and glanced back to where my paintings where. I studied them once more, pretending as if I was looking at them for the first time. Maybe the story that I wanted them to tell could be something else when a different eye observed them. Art is relative, and so were interpretations.

“W.H. Auden?”

His deep, raspy voice startled me once again, but this time I didn’t have to turn around to see him. He was right by my side. I could perceive his calm breaths while taking in the sight of my ‘intro’ piece, his eyes sparkling with something close to admiration, to esteem, to wonder.

“How’d you know that?”

“I like poetry” he softly smiled, tearing his gaze away from the painting to fixate his eyes on my own “It’s ‘The More Loving One’, right?”

“Wow… that’s… that’s impressive” I bit my lip, astonished by the man’s capacity of interpreting my intentions in mere seconds “I thought that nobody was going to get it”

“I just like art in general” he shrugged. We fell in a comfortable silence, both of us immersed in our own thoughts. However, the pianist was quick to keep the conversation flowing once again. “Let me guess… Looking up at the stars, I know quite well… That, for all they care, I can go to hell… But on earth indifference is the least… We have to dread from man or beast” he recited, with no rush and honeyed deep voice. He gently took my wrist with his hand and slowly directed me towards my second painting. My heartbeat rapidly increased upon feeling his warm touch, and I thanked Taehyung for letting me wear comfortable heels, or else I was soon going to end up collapsing on the floor “How should we like it were stars to burn… With a passion for us we could not return?… If equal affection cannot be… Let the more loving one be me.”

When we reached the following set of paintings, I was, by this time, in Cloud 9. Despite this, I still needed him to stop his astounding display of knowledge about my favourite poet, because he was already becoming something else for me. So I took over “Admirer as I think I am… Of stars that do not give a damn… I cannot, now I see them, say… I missed one terribly all day”

“Were all stars to disappear or die… I should learn to look at an empty sky… And feel its total dark sublime… Though this might take me a little time” he finished for me, as we arrived to the last trio of paintings “As much as I worship Auden, I disagree” he muttered, observing my ‘outro’ painting. “Do you think that love is fleeting and impermanent?”

“It depends… He’s talking about unrequited love, though. That kind of love should be fleeting and impermanent” I looked at him, studying his gorgeous features. He pressed his lips together and his brows snapped together, returning my gaze.

“Is unrequited love less than the requited one?”

“Of course it is” I chuckled “You cannot expect someone to love you just because you love them. You need to get over them, even if it takes you your whole life”

“Still… do you love someone any less when they do not love you back?”

“Not really. But the difference lays in the fact that you won’t ever get that with the person who doesn’t love you. Imagine having to deal with that kind of indifference just because you adore them”

“Wouldn’t you rather your lover be indifferent towards you when the other possibility left is hating you?”

“Oh, c’mon! Does self-love apply here?”

“I don’t think you ever get to love yourself more than a person that makes you feel alive” he replied, his velvety voice becoming deeper and mesmerizing, his eyes never leaving mine “Do you love yourself more than your lover?” Yoongi murmured, getting closer. Our breaths were now blending together, making it difficult to distinguish which was his and which mine.

“I-I don’t…” I stuttered, feeling the intensity of his eyes “I don’t have a… lover” I finally muttered back, unable to tear my eyes off of his.

“Let’s fix that, then”

Yoongi’s mouth found mine in a heavy, hot kiss. His lips took over mine without much effort, slowly angling his face to deepen it. I was quick to let him in, feeling how his soft tongue gradually brushed my own. I took the initiative, pulling him by the neck to get him closer, as if that was even possible by now. His hands gently caressed my hips, securely taking place on my lower back. I tugged my mouth away from his, trying to catch some air, but he was shortly after chasing my lips to pepper light kisses over them.

“I need…” I breathlessly muttered in between kisses “to close… down”

“I’ll help you” he replied, giving me one last, sloppy peck. “I’ll take you home after”

.

.

I could hardly close the door as soon as we entered my apartment. My hand was struggling, trying to get inside the lock as Yoongi peppered wet kisses down my neck while caressing my waist from behind me. A few minutes went by, my mind getting cloudier. He must have realized, because he chuckled against my neck, taking my shaking hand with his and rapidly locking the door “All set”

I turned around, taking his cheeks with my hands and directing his lips to mine, parting them to get better access to his hot mouth. I started walking, slowly but surely taking him down the corridor and right into my room, loudly closing the door once inside.

.

.

“Do you still agree with Auden?” Yoongi whispered, softly caressing my arm.

“M-hm” I muttered, fluttering my eyes open, throwing my leg over his own and getting closer to his collarbone “It is always better to be the one who loves.”

“Would you be willing to love even then, y/n?”

“One does not choose when, how or who they love, Yoongi” I detached myself from his chest, supporting my weight with my arm as I looked at him “And I think it’s better to love rather than being at the receiving end without even acknowledging it. It hurts, yes, but the feeling…”

“Yet he emphasizes the fact that he can, and will get over them. Is his love as strong as he claims?”

“It can be the strongest feeling, of course. Still, you cannot hang in there just because you are unable control it”

“Have you noticed that in those last lines, he openly admits he hadn’t missed them when they were gone? Is that what love is about?”

“If they hurt you, maybe” I yawned, going back to the comfort of his touch “You won’t miss them, but you still love them. It’s easy, young man”

“Is love easy?”

“Can you please shut your stunning mouth for a second, please? You’re the loudest hook up I’ve ever had”

“You were the loud one some minutes ago” he chuckled, caressing my back, and taking my chin with his hand. Making me look up, he left a couple of short but soft, tender kisses over my swollen lips.  

“Goodnight, pianist”

“Goodnight, artist”

.

.

My phone woke me up from my slumber. Cold sheets met my hand, and I lifted my head from my pillow to take a look around my room.

He left.

I rejected whoever was calling me and got up from my bed, stretching out my limbs as I made my way to the living room. Empty.

Should have known that.

“It was just a hook up, y/n…” I murmured to myself, trying to get that in my head as fast as possible to avoid any kind of heartache. “He left as he shou-” I cut short my sentence when I noticed a scribbled piece of paper on my coffee table that wasn’t there the day before. I quickly took it, a smile plastered on my lips as soon as I started reading.

‘Last night I slept, and when I woke her kiss Still floated on my lips. For we had strayed Together in my dream, through some dim glade, Where the shy moonbeams scarce dared light our bliss. The air was dank with dew, between the trees, The hidden glow-worms kindled and were spent. Cheek pressed to cheek, the cool, the hot night-breeze Mingled our hair, our breath, and came and went, As sporting with our passion. Low and deep Spake in mine ear her voice: “And didst thou dream, This could be buried? This could be sleep? And love be thrall to death! Nay, whatso seem, Have faith, dear heart; this is the thing that is!” Thereon I woke, and on my lips her kiss.

Let’s meet again.

Min Yoongi’

in case you’re wondering, the poems featured here are ‘the more loving one’ by w.h. auden and ‘assurance’ by emma lazarus.

hope you enjoyed!

[trashforhockeyguys]

I’ll Always Remember Us This Way -Tyler Seguin

A/N: everything that is italicized is a flashback. Highly recommend listening to I’ll Always Remeber Us This way, from A Star Is Born. nothing but angst to be honest, so enjoy. Oh and this is the longest thing I’ve ever written on here. 

Stepping out onto the stage, you didn’t expect to feel an empty pit in your chest. You’d done more than a hundred shows without him. You’d been all around the world without him by your side, without so much as a single text or phone call. You’d done this so many times before that you could do it in your sleep. You knew every song, every pause in the music, everything, but you also knew that he wasn’t there.

You took a deep breath and plastered on a smile as the lights came up on the stage. You tried not to down and to you right, where he always used to stand. It didn’t feel right to be doing a show here without him. It didn’t feel right not to be wearing his jersey while on stage.

It hadn’t felt right without him for a while now, but standing on the stage that was set up in his arena, just feet from where he’d been the night before, slammed into you with the force of a semi-truck.

It was ironic to you really, every song on this album was about him. Every song had a memory of the two of you attached to it. Yet here you were, singing them to everyone but him. He was just a few miles away, close enough that you could walk. But he wasn’t here.

I hit the first chord in the piano, everyone cheered. You forced a smile, hoping you’d settle in and be fine in a few minutes. But you might as well have been playing in an empty arena because that’s what it felt like to you. He wasn’t here….he wouldn’t be here.

                                                                   *

You ran down the street, trying to make it to your favorite coffee shop before you were absolutely soaked by the rain. You should’ve listened to George when he told you it was going to rain. Your stylist would probably kill you when you got back to the arena. But going out right before the show was your thing, especially when this coffee shop was just around the corner.

The only good thing about the rain was that there weren’t any paps trying to get a picture of you. Instead, you were able to make it into the small coffee shop undetected. Something so simple as that felt like the biggest victory to you. Only, the floor was slick from the rain, causing you to slip and almost bust your ass, but someone caught you.

“You okay?” He asked.

“I think my ego is a little bruised, but I’ll survive. Thanks for the quick reflexes.”

“Having fast reflexes is kind of my job.”

“Right, well, thanks. I guess I owe you one.”

You started to walk towards the counter when he stopped you. You slowly turned to face him, he had a huge grin on his face like he knew something that you didn’t. Fear suddenly started to creep in, he knew who you were. Your cover was blown, the ratty old baseball cap you’d been carrying around for years couldn’t hide you anymore.

“You’re Y/N Y/L/N aren’t you?”

“Do you have to say it so loudly? C’mon man,” You hissed.

He looked so smug, I almost wanted to punch him. But he did save me from landing flat on my ass, which would’ve somehow managed to make the front page of some magazine so I could only be but so mad at him.

“Sorry, guess you’re trying to hide?”

You tugged on your hat, trying to cover just a little more of your face, “Pre-show tradition, I always stop here when I’m in town.”

“At least let me buy you a coffee? Or something?”

“Fine, but then I have to run back to the arena,” You sighed, “I didn’t plan on the rain and my team will have their work cut out for them.”

“For what it’s worth, I think you look beautiful, even if you do have a Hurricanes hat on.”

“Oh? Not a fan of them huh? What, do you like another team or something?”

He just laughed, “Something like that.”

                                                                    *

You stood from the piano and grabbed your microphone. The band was still playing, almost like background noise. I felt stronger, a little more like I was home. This stage had been my home since I was fifteen, but this city…this city meant more to me than words could ever say.

“How’re we doing tonight Dallas?” Cheers rose up from everyone in front of you, “Good, good, glad to hear it. Now, you guys know that you have a special place in my heart. So, I figured I’d bring back an old song that I wrote not long after I moved here, I hope you all remember it.”

The intro started, your guitarist Mike winked at you. He knew what this song meant to you, the whole band did. You’d written it about your then boyfriend, and how for the first time since you’d started this journey he’d made you feel at home. You rarely sung it anymore just because it hurt since you’d lost that feeling, but you couldn’t be in this arena without singing it.

You’d started writing it here, in between periods of a game. It started off being about his smile, how happy he was during the game, then it was about how happy watching him made you, then just about the two of you. That’s what most of your songs were after that point. Especially the last album you released, which was the one you were currently touring. Part of you wondered if he knew the whole entire thing was about him….for him.

You’d always told him you’d write him as many songs as he wanted, but you’d never dream of releasing most of them. You’d also told him the only way he’d get a full album was if he broke your heart bad enough to warrant it. You’d begged him never to give you a reason to ever have to do it. Yet, here you were.

“It started out as something simple, a little bit of life, a little bit of love, a hand to hold onto,” You sang. But you could feel your heart cracking as you began to think about a time, not so long ago.

                                                                    *

“What are you working on?” he asked, resting his chin on your bare shoulder.

“Oh just something that popped into my head.”

“I like your pretty little head,” he mussed, kissing your neck.

“Babe, I need to finish this.”

You didn’t want him to stop though. You wished he’d take away your guitar and lay you back down. Worship you again like he had the night before. You weren’t sure if you’d ever get enough of him. Not just in bed, but in general. The way he made you smile and laugh was almost unreal. You hadn’t felt this comfortable in years.

“Take a break? Please?” he begged.

“I have to finish this verse,” you sighed, “But then I’ll make us some food, how does that sound?”

“You always make things I shouldn’t eat, like that fried chicken last week.”

“You never complain, so don’t start now.”

He groaned and got up, knowing he’d lost this round. But you also knew that he’d go sit in the hallway, just outside the office that he’d allowed you to turn into your music room, and listen. Him and the dogs would be there until you finished writing. When you’d asked him about it before he brushed you off, claiming the dogs just wanted attention. But you’d caught him sitting there several times after that. It took him a while but he finally admitted that he liked hearing you work on new songs, the rawness of it seemed beautiful to him.

“Hey, wait a second,” You reached out for his hand to keep him from walking away, “I love you.”

He leaned down to kiss you, “I love you too. You keep working, I’ll make dinner for us.”

                                                                 *

You had to fight back the tears as the song ended. You wouldn’t cry on stage in front of all of these people. You couldn’t give him the satisfaction. But you didn’t even know if he still kept up with you the way you kept up with him. You watched almost every game that you could. You knew of every point he got, watched every interview. You still talked to a few of his teammates, the guys you’d once considered to be your family. When you’d lost him, you never really expected to really lose them too.

You danced around the stage during the next few songs. You played some of your first singles, the tried and true that everyone seemed to know and love. You were able to forget for a brief time. You’d forgotten that you weren’t in Dallas, you’d forgotten that he wasn’t here.

But it seemed like as soon as you were able to get him off your mind, the next song would start and you’d go right back. You were now sitting on a stool, center stage. You felt bad for being glad that the concert was almost over. Your throat was starting to hurt from singing for so long, your body was starting to ache.

You jumped around with some of your musicians and interacted with some of the people in the first few rows. You joked about the hockey game that went on the night before, hoping one of the guys were secretly hiding up in one of the boxes.

For the last song of the night you returned to the piano. This was the last song you wrote for the album, the song that broke your heart the most. Only seemed right that it would be the last song you sang here.

“You guys should know this one. I wrote this about an old friend, who I loved for many years, I think you guys know him too. I wrote this for us, just as a way to say that I wouldn’t forget. Thank you, guys, for being so wonderful tonight, this one goes out to all of you too.”

You couldn’t stop the emotions that came when everyone started singing along with you. Little did they know you wrote this very song after you’d left everything you knew behind after you’d been forced out of a city you loved.

                                                             *

It wasn’t even raining. You’d always thought that it would be raining in a situation like this. For some reason, you’d always thought that the day that you’d have to leave it would be dark and stormy. Instead, it was crystal clear.

Your eyes burned as you shoved all the clothes you could into your suitcase. You hoped he didn’t get home earlier than he should, you didn’t want to fight again. You couldn’t fight again. You had to get out, that was your only option now.

Your guitar was the last thing you grabbed. Everything else in that music room could be replaced, but not the guitar. It was the first one you bought when you were in high school. It had been with you everywhere. You’d written everything on it. Out of everything in the house, that was the one thing you couldn’t leave.

You were almost done when the garage door opened. You’d run out of time. He was back. You crouched down to pet the dogs for what could be the last time and then grabbed your bags. You were going to do this one way or another.

You took one last look at all of the pictures in the bedroom that you’d shared for three years. You had too many memories wrapped up here, but nothing could make you stay now that he’d all but said it was time for you to go. You wouldn’t humiliate yourself like that.

“What are you doing?” He questioned the second you came into view.

“I’m leaving. I told you my label wants me to come out to LA for a bit, but I think you made it clear you don’t want me to come back.”

“Stop twisting my words, I didn’t say that,” he argued.

“Not in so many words, but I’ve known you long enough to know what you meant,” You hissed, “I love you, I really do, but it’s all one-sided now and you know that. You know it, but you don’t have the balls to admit it. Because you stopped seeing me as me, and started seeing me as Y/N Y/L/N again.”

“Stop acting like I’m the only one who’d changed!” His voice changed.

“I know I’ve changed, but that’s only because I stopped playing everyone else’s game. You’re the one who wanted me to stay the scared little girl. So don’t even try to blame this on me.”

“You know what, you’re right. I don’t want you to come back if you’re going to be like this. I’m done having to coddle you. We’re all on a stage Y/N, you aren’t the only one who had standards they have to live up to.”

“Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were having to live up to anything. You sure as hell haven’t been acting like it.”

“You’re such a fucking bitch! I can’t believe I wasted three fucking years on you. You’re just another spoiled brat. A fucking diva who’s so used to getting what she wants. I should’ve let you fall on your ass that day.”

It was like a punch straight to the gut. He said he wasted these last three years. He’d once told you that you were the best part of his life, better than hockey even. He’d promised not to hurt you, or break your heart, but you were so sure it had broken loud enough that even he could hear it.

“Well, if that’s how you really feel.”

You bit your cheek to keep from crying and picked up your bags. You wouldn’t go back for anything else. You had all you needed. You left him standing in the living room, you didn’t even look back. You���d never know what might’ve been between the two of you.

You drove far enough away that he couldn’t easily come to find you if he wanted to, and then you broke. It was like opening the floodgates, your whole body shook so violently you didn’t know if it would ever stop. It suddenly hit you that you had nothing now. You’d have to drive all the way to LA, because you didn’t want to go through having to get a plane ticket. Plus, the time on the road might be just what you needed.

Two days later, while sitting in a hotel room somewhere along the way, you pulled out your guitar and started to write. You didn’t stop until the sun was out and you had the makings of a new album, full of everything you were feeling.

                                                                      *

“Thank you so much Dallas! Until next time!”

You ran off the stage, feeling your chest starting to tighten up. George was right behind you as you ran into your dressing room. George was the closest thing you had to actual family while on the road, he was a father, brother, and a friend.

“George, can you stall crew for a while, I just need some-“

“Already done,” he assured you, “ I figured you’d need some time to decompress and do your whole post-show thing. The crew is fine with hanging around for a while. So, shower and then you can go do your thing in the locker room, just like you always do.”

You sighed, feeling your whole-body sag. There was no way you would’ve been able to force yourself on a bus after that. You loved performing more than anything, but tonight was harder than you’d expected.

So half an hour later you found yourself in his old hoodie, with little holes on the ends of the sleeves, sitting in the middle of the locker room. You hadn’t been in here since before you’d broken up. Nothing had changed though, other than a few names on some of the stalls.

You sat in the middle of the logo and put your earbuds in, needing to cancel out the world for a while. You put on the most calming playlist you could find and laid back. You’d just give yourself a few minutes and then you’d be good as new. You didn’t need long. All you needed to do was calm back down, stop thinking about him.

Ironic considering he’d been in that very room the night before. He’d skated on the ice underneath the stage. He was everywhere. Which was one of the reasons you couldn’t bring yourself to come back to Dallas until now. Something about the tour made you feel stronger, yet so much weaker at the same time.

Over the sound of your music, you could hear someone walking in. You weren’t exactly sure who it was, or how long you’d been in here. But you assumed it was George. You didn’t sit up or take out your earbuds. You assumed he’d nudge you if he wanted to talk. But instead, you could feel them sitting next to you.

But the vibe you were getting wasn’t George. Your whole body started buzzing. You were terrified to open your eyes, because you somehow already knew who was sitting across from you. You knew it would be him.

Slowly, you reached up and took out your earbuds, he didn’t say anything. He was waiting for you to make the first move. You found yourself slowly sitting up.

“You’re here.”

“George said you’d be in here.”

“Post-show ritual,” You mumbled.

The way he was looking at you almost made your skin crawl, but in a good way. You hadn’t been looked at like that in forever. He was looking at you like he saw you, the real you, not the star that was on stage or doing interviews. You tugged the sleeves of the sweatshirt over your hands.

“You look good,” He said truthfully.

“I’m in a ratty old sweatshirt with wet hair and no makeup.”

“Last time I checked it’s my old sweatshirt. But I always loved you like this, you’re more you.”

“What are you doing here? You told me you never wanted to see me again.”

You were afraid of his answer. But you couldn’t not ask. He’d broken your heart in a matter of minutes the last time you saw him. If he was planning on doing it again, you needed fair warning. You needed to be able to brace yourself.

“I made you write and album.”

“Well you-”

“I promised you that I’d never make you do that. I promised that I’d never hurt you like that,” He explained, “but I did anyway because my head was too far up my own ass to realize what the fuck I was doing.”

“We both said and did a lot of things. We’re both to blame.”

“Let me own up to this one Y/N, because you were right. I was holding you back, but only because…well I guess I was scared shitless of what it would mean for us. Because I loved you, I really loved you.”

“Past tense. Which means that there’s no reason that I still need to be here,” You sighed, pushing yourself off of the floor, “I need to go anyway, we should’ve left already.”

He caught your arm before you could make it to the door, “Please don’t walk out on me again. Please.”

“What else am I supposed to do? You broke me! I had to claw my way back from that! You were my home, and you made me leave. So give me one good reason why I shouldn’t walk out that door and never look back!”

“Because I’m still in love with you. I never stopped, I wouldn’t have been able to if I tried,” he admitted, “I love you. And I see you for you. I don’t see the glitz and glamour, I never did.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“I promise you I do. And the second my season is over I’ll be out on the road with you, if you’ll let me. I don’t want to lose you again. If we don’t work, then fine, but I won’t quit this time. I’ll fight for us.”

“Tyler…”

His hand cupped your cheek. The way he was looking at you made you want to melt on the spot. You were pretty sure you were shaking where you stood, but you couldn’t move. Not when this was all you’d thought about for almost two years.

“Please,” He seemed to beg, “Please.”

Your head was screaming at you to pull away, to turn around and walk out that door. Your heart, however, was going to win this battle. You’d been so lonely. No one seemed to understand you the way that he did, as cliché as it was.

You leaned into him. You couldn’t stop yourself, you didn’t want to stop yourself. He started to twist a strand of your hair, something he used to do all the time. Sometimes you’d wondered if he even knew he was doing it.

“Tyler I really should go.”

“Just, stay a few more minutes,” his voice was soft.

You were screwed, you knew that now. He’d pulled you back in and there was no way you’d be able to walk away this time. It took all of your strength to do it last time. You didn’t have anything left now. You couldn’t fight him, you didn’t want to. So gave in. You buried your head in his chest, and for some reason began to cry.

You could try and blame it on the emotions from the show. And the fact that you were coming off of the adrenaline high that you always got. When you crashed, sometimes you crashed hard. Which is why you liked to have time for yourself after shows.

“I’m so sorry,” he apologized again.

“I know.”

“I tried to come after you, but I didn’t know where to look.”

“I know,” You whimpered, “Jamie told me.”

“I love you.”

You pulled back, just enough to look him in the eye. He wasn’t lying, his eyes were glossy too like he was trying not to cry. You’d never really seen him emotional like this, it wasn’t his thing. But you knew, without a doubt, that he was telling the truth.

“I love you too,” You took a deep breath and the rest of the words flew out before you could stop them, “But don’t come on the road with me. I can’t have you here, I don’t think clearly. If you love me, then wait for me. I’ll come to Canada or wherever you are when this is over. But please don’t come with me.”

“Y/N, we always talked about doing this.”

“We were different people then. I need time to sort some things out. Just, please, wait for me.”

You wiggled out of his grasp and moved towards the door. You loved him, but you couldn’t be around him right now and think clearly enough to really finish the tour. You just needed to get through the next two months. Then maybe the two of you could figure the rest out.

“I have to go, I’m sorry.”

You only looked back once the door was shut behind you. You hoped that the two of you could figure everything out after your tour. You hoped he’d wait for you. But you also knew that you couldn’t ask him to wait forever. What was going to happen would happen, whatever the outcome might be.

As you traveled to the next city, you couldn’t help but think back on your relationship, and for the first time since the breakup, you smiled. You couldn’t help but smile at them. Even if nothing good would come from seeing him again, you couldn’t deny that he gave you three of the best years of your life. That was something you could never forget.

When the sun goes down, and the band won’t play, I’ll always remember us this way.

[lazuliblade]

2019 Worlds - EX Gala rough report

I am, so tired. I slept about 3 hours last night. Apparently at the small medal ceremony Yuzu said he slept 3 hours last night. We’re comrades in sleep.

Ahhh, “Haru yo, Koi” was amazing. The Exhibition Gala was such a nice note to end on. I’m sad Yuzu didn’t get a chance to do an encore since he didn’t win -- we could have had it all. Haru yo Koi costume in the sakura-themed Kiss&Cry. Origin skated with the Haru yo Koi costume -- can you imagine? Dark overlord god of the universe, but in pale white-pink? That Ina Bauer with the arm choreo, done in the beautiful ruffly costume. The final spin into the dramatic triumph pose. It would have been glorious. But ah well.

Again, a proper report will follow later when I’m not as dead. Likely Tuesday since tomorrow I won’t be able to use my laptop. For now, some rough highlights:

Yuzu’s costume is so sparkly

When the skaters were gathering in the entrance to come out for the introductions, I saw sparkles from across the rink. I was in the corner on the same long side as the entrance but all the way on the other end, so I didn’t have a clear view like yesterday when I could see them enter/exit without obstruction. Immediately I thought “I bet that’s Yuzu” and I pulled up my binoculars. Yes, it was Yuzuru. Bless him for having beautiful costumes.

The costume was actually a really pale pink and looked almost white from a distance. I realized that it literally is the color of not just any pink sakura you see printed on containers/marketing ads/everything, but it’s the color of THE sakura you’d see in person. The nearly white flowers that don’t actually look pink until you get close. The sakura people people refer to when they mention flower viewing. The sakura trees that line the roads in many neighborhoods, the trees that the meteorological agency bases the cherry blossom forecast on. So he was dressed up in the color of the live flower.

Yuzu’s low hydroblade covers SO much ice, and he held it forever. He did two revolutions. It was in my corner, so I was able to see him sink deep into that position, and get lower still. It covered maybe a fourth of the rink? And the diameter was huge - covering a good chunk of the width of the rink. He had a moment where his head came up abruptly (he was facing away from me at that moment - but apparently it’s because he leaned far enough down to kiss the ice and then jerked back up), and then sunk lower yet again into the second revolution. The lady next to me was just in awe saying “wow, it looks like he’s gonna fall, doesn’t it?” There was like a centimeter between his body and the ice -- it almost looked like he was laying on it, but he was going so fast.

His Ina Bauer was luxurious. That’s it. That’s the one word that came to mind when he so smoothly slid into position and then smiled and tilted his torso back. Then leisurely did the arm motions like he was unconcerned about running out of speed or ice. 

It covered a lot of distance as well. This started on the long side heading into my corner again, and wrapped around the entire short side of the rink and back to the middle of the opposite long side.

Also, holy heck he’s so fast. He was in the corner directly diagonal from me waaay on the other side of the rink, and he took just TWO crossovers and suddenly he was at full speed halfway across the rink doing those steps before the 3Lo - which was also landed in front of me.

The delayed Axel was so airy and high

His spins are crazily centered. The Sit Spin is a stationary point of twinkling stars in a vortex. It’s mesmerizing to watch because he doesn’t move from the position AT ALL. 

Then he unfurls upward with the piano note runs, and everyone in the audience stood up before he hit his last spin upright position.

He changed the first spin early in the program where he reaches down to touch the ice with his fingertips and leaves those finger tracks - he didn’t reach down this time. I guess he didn’t want to slow down the speed of the spin? Who knows.

His smile when he threw the snow in the air. The atmosphere was of anticipation for this moment, and we all started clapping and shouting when he did it.

I have a lot of stuff from other skaters too, but this is getting super long already without it even being a properly polished post, so I’ll put it all under a cut and mention just the highlights that come to mind.

Nathan’s program was a great one to end on

He uses his arms well when he doesn’t have to focus so much energy into jumps - his choreo is always interesting and refreshing.

The upbeat song really got the crowd going. It was like sunshine after we had Sui/Han, Alina, and Papadakis/Cizeron.

His encore to the Nemesis choreo sequence was sharp, and I’m glad I got to see that skated with the energy he had way back in the 2017 GP Rostelecom.

Sui/Han were magnificent. They looked like one person in two bodies out there - which is exactly what Pairs is about. Everything was seamless. I’d seen this EX on video before, but seeing how smoothly they transferred the fan, how fluidly the cloth moved. I was really struck too by how beautifully intimate that last lift was where it looked like Wenjing was entrusting herself to his care, and he was cradling her close. It was so powerful especially with how they missed the first half of the season because of injuries and weren’t in great shape heading to Worlds.

The Italian skaters in general know how to do EXs

the audience around me were confused about him coming down the stairs from the stands, and the sudden stripping - yes, they’re losing their robes. It’s a “boxing” EX and you’re in for a good time. 

Matteo Rizzo was a lot of fun, and I’m sad the crowd didn’t understand the song lyrics/were too hesitant/polite/whatever to be able to shout out “Ghost Busters” when the singer literally asks for listeners to shout the name. People loved the entire opening sequence with the beeping machine, and the middle part when the ghost scares him and he loses his backpack.

Michal Brezina and his island retreat skate. It was such a chill way to start off this entire gala.

Keiji’s JoJo program was amazing and the crowd loved it. He’s so in character and the lighting people really went all out with the effects. Yuzu fixed his hair/was fiddling with it afterward when they were in the finale getting ready for the group bow.

Shoma has such nice edges, and his 3A covers a lot of distance. The crowd was really supportive and I feel they just wanted him to skate freely.

Intro&Finale

Yuzu was so bubbly, smiley, giggly, it was effusive. He looked like he enjoyed it all more than anyone else. His smile was like sunshine.

When the Ice Dance teams were together doing their opening intro spins/lifts, the Men were by the boards on the far side from where I sat, so I could clearly see them stretching. Which is odd, because you’d think they should be warmed up to skate already, and the Ladies and Pairs weren’t doing anything like that. Yuzu was stretching his shoulders, reaching back as if trying to get his zipper, so I thought for a moment that he was fixing something, but the other guys were also stretching their arms and legs, so I figured he was stretching his shoulder blades. Yuzu looked like he was testing/envisioning something. The Ladies did their spins, and then the Men go out and do...a spiral side-by-side in a straight line heading towards the short side. They did the basic arabesque pose, and then Yuzu goes and does a catchfoot spiral - so I guess we did get a Biellmann after all. Kind of.

The Men getting in the center to put their hands together and do the whole “go team!” thing, Shoma was off somewhere in his head or forgot or something and then ran to catch up and throw his hand in. The audience laughed because that’s so Shoma.

The finale, we were wondering where Yuzu was, because all the skaters had gathered at the entrance ready to step out onto the ice, and then once on the ice he still wasn’t there. That’s when Nathan goes and brings him over like he’s the guest of honor - I don’t know if the choreographer planned it from the start, or if someone mentioned during practice that it would be nice to do that, but it was a beautiful sentiment.

When all the skaters lined up joining hands for the final bow, I couldn’t help notice how tall Yuzu looked next to Gabby Daleman. She skates so big I didn’t realize she was only 155cm (just the tiniest bit over 5ft).

and when the skaters skated up to the boards in a line holding hands, Yuzu did an arabesque spiral - like he did during the early FaOI shows in the summer.

He was being all cute when all the skaters were doing the two laps around the rink. Lots of peace signs up to his eyes and jumping/bouncing around/skating backwards

He tried to offer the mascot to join the group picture, but it seems the mascot couldn’t see what Yuzu was pointing to/intending, so Yuzu did exaggerated motions, and then when the mascot still didn’t get it, he did a full-body head tilt and there was lots of “are you not going to join then? Oh wait-yes? No, then? (hesitating halfway between turning for the group and the mascot)...wait, that IS a yes?” He helped hold the mascot and skated backwards with little wiggles tugging it along.

When the gold medalists were taking their customary picture, Yuzu was at the exit of the rink and did his final “arigatou gozaimashita” so the audience all screamed back acknowledgements and thanks.

Alina went back after all the pictures were over and did a revenge 3Lz that she fell on in her encore.

They tried to tug Nathan into doing a jump too, but he refused. (Nope, not going to repeat that mistake again when he broke his hip doing a 4T in a gala. Smart move.)

It all passed by so quickly. Look out for a polished retelling later.

[magicshopgalaxy]

1. Your first BTS song

Dope.

It was way back in 2017 when I became a kpop fan for the first time. I was curious to see who BTS were so my sister showed me the music video of Dope in her phone and later did I realize that it was actually the first step of me becoming an ARMY for life.

2. Current favorite song

Euphoria by Jeon Jungkook.

I always love that song. Jungkook’s voice is the kind that makes you want to be dramatic over life, something that will make you remember some good important memories where you feel happy and at peace with yourself. It’s soft and melodic and I just love the first part of that song so much. I could even sing it perfectly. I also have different instrumental versions of that song because the beat is just so good. I have a guitar version and a piano version. I also have the version that Jungkook released this year’s FESTA, the piano version accompanied with his beautiful voice.

3. A song that everyone should listen to

Spring Day.

I just heard this song playing on the radio and after the song ends, the DJ made her comments about it telling everyone that while the song was playing she was also reading the English translations of the lyrics and how it almost made her cry. I was listening to her and got inspired at what she said. So I thought that if everyone would just listen to Spring Day, they would experience that feeling too. Even if they don’t understand the lyrics, the song itself is enough to touch hearts. Even more if they read the translations.

4. Favorite MV

Blood, Sweat, and Tears.

For me, it was the best comeback ever of BTS. They combined music with art, psychology, and symbolism and it turned out to be marvelously fantastic.

5. Favorite solo song

Euphoria by Jungkook.

I told you I love that song so much.

6. Favorite rap line song

Outro: Tear.

I swear, if you hear this song you will find yourself with mouth gaping wide in awe. Rap doesn’t always sound nice to someone who doesn’t fancy it too often but this one killed it. The best rap I ever heard and I ain’t even a fan of raps. I was really fascinated at how cool their voices are and how the whole song transformed into some kind of dark and wild and raging kind of genre. You can really feel the pain and all the torment of the person in that song. All the fears, the anger, miseries and breakdowns brought by a terrible heartbreak. The rap line raps it all well.

7. Favorite vocal line song

I’m not gonna say Euphoria again. So for this question, I’m going to pick Epiphany by Kim Seokjin. If you’ve been around enough or been an ARMY as long as the Love Yourself album series, you will get whole point of this song and understand that it’s the happy ending of the whole Love Yourself story. Apparently, the story speaks of someone in love but got broken and decided to finally love himself. The story was not that simple though. Along the way, it has become complicated and confusing as that someone questions himself, got mad, and do crazy stuffs (as told in the story of TEAR). Epiphany was the last intro song of the three albums and it’s apparently the answer to all that someone’s questions. It speaks of revival and opening the mind to fully understand the whole situation after the destructive storm that love has brought upon him. It’s a song of acceptance that everything has happened already and it’s now time to move on and love oneself even with all the flaws and broken pieces.  Why I love this song is because it speaks some things that I couldn’t speak myself. I’ve been around enough and the story of Love Yourself made such a great impact in my life. It has become my own story now. So the song Epiphany is also the answer I’ve been looking for and my own happy ending story.

8. Favorite collaboration

As a fan of both BTS and Ed Sheeran, there is nothing more exciting than a collab between the two. So I have Make It Right for this. Although Ed Sheeran didn’t sing a line of that song (though I would’ve love it even more if he does), the song itself shows a lot of his presence. The beat, the lyrics and the tone of the song are good combinations of BTS and Ed Sheeran. It’s like legends meet legends and together they combined superpowers and Make It Right is the end product.

9. Favorite live performance

I haven’t been a fan of live performances but there is actually one live performance of BTS that really captivates my eyes. Remember 2018’s Melon Music Awards? Yeah, that’s right. It was that time when BTS shone the most. The introduction of their performance was so lit I had no other words for that. They brought a lot of people on stage to perform Idol in a traditional way but what really had me amazed was when the dance line performed solo in the beginning. First, it was J-hope with the lady drummers. It was so colorful and aesthetic and Jhope's dance moves matched the beat of the drums very well. It was such a powerful performance. Then there was Jimin with the fan. He looked so sophisticated and classy in a traditional way. I love the way he danced while holding the fan in his hand. He even got a cultural award for that. Next, Jungkook with a handkerchief.  The way he looked at the camera while he did all those killing moves were marvellous. And then all the cultural dancers gathered together on stage and danced the instrumental version of Idol. I swear, that was the most beautiful live performance I ever saw.

10. A feminine empowering song

I have Epiphany for this again. I don’t know, I just kind of like the lyrics of that song so much. It kind of represents all the ladies out there who are miserable because of love. The song is so much powerful as long as you understand it. There’s even a line I love in it where I get inspiration from every time I feel insecure of myself. “ I may be a bit blunt, I may lack some things, I may not have that shy glow around me. But this is me. My arms, my legs, my heart, my soul. “

It’s girl power, you know.

11.A sad song

There’s no sadder song than The Truth Untold. I read the lyrics and it’s really sad. And the way the vocal lines sing it makes the song sad even more. The line, “But I still want you…” is the most heartbreaking thing ever. I don’t think there’s another that can compete with that. I don’t blame the song or the writer of that song. It’s just that it’s the song of the Tear album and the story of Tear is really heartbreaking since it’s where all the pain and misery happened. And where love failed and the person got crazy and wild. 

12. A song that makes you dance

So What. It’s the song that tells you to do things you like and not minding what anyone has to say. So everytime I listen to that song, I was like, “So What” and dance and dance until my back hurts from dancing.

13. Favorite dance practice

There’s a lot of dance practices that I fancy a lot. But I love the ones that were done out of silliness and crazy stuffs.  Remember Baepse? They danced like silly little dorks but they danced so well. I’m amazed at their duality and the fact that they could pull something crazy and still be good at it. Dance Kings, indeed.

14. Favorite interview

I love that interview somewhere in the US where Seokjin kept saying “Yeah, I’m worldwide handsome, you know?” and J-hope saying “I love hamburger and sprite”. That will always be the most iconic interview ever.

15. Most underrated song

Spine Breaker.

Not all ARMYs know that song since it’s an old one and BTS don’t perform it too often these days. But if you could just hear it and read its lyrics, it speaks a lot to you. It’s such a powerful song and I hope more people would listen to it. Especially the youth of this generation. BTS, as youth themselves, really wrote a song for them indicating how they all feel living in this generation and this song really speaks a lot.

16. A song that deserves an MV

Mikrokosmos.

The song is beautiful. The lyrics are beautiful. It should have an mv. And in the mv, there should be lots and lots of stars. And sometimes the stars should shine in purple color so when armys zoom into it, they will see army bombs instead. And while this happens, the chorus of the song plays until it gets to the part where BTS sing “Shine, Dream, Smile. Oh let us light up the night….” It would be a beautiful mv.

17. Favorite song from Dark & Wild album

The lit rap, Cypher pt. 3.

It’s a song to roast haters. Suits Yoongi’s attitude sometimes, and always remind me of him.

18. Favorite intro

Boy Meets Evil.

It’s the first intro I ever encountered when I became an ARMY back in 2017. And one of the songs that got me into BTS. I saw J-hope’s performance with this one on MAMA 2016. My sister showed me the video and I was amazed. Back then, I didn’t know much about J-hope or his cheerful attitude. I thought he was all that dark and cool guy with a bad guy look and it’s all because of  this song. The J-hope in the mv of this song was so not like the J-hope I know now but it was my first impression of him.  So I assume he was like that until I get to know him better. It still surprises me everytime I watch the video of the song. The duality of J-hope is mesmerizing, indeed. That's why this song is so special to me.

19. Favorite cover

There are at least three covers I like. But I have to choose one. So for this, I’m gonna go with Hug Me by J-hope and V. I love V’s voice in this song. It’s so deep and cold but relaxing at the same time. I love the tone of the chorus and the beat of J-hope’s rap. Combined together, it makes the whole song worth to listen to.

20. Favorite outro

Answer: Love Myself

(or is it Outro: Answer: Love Myself?) Regardless, I love that song. I love the lyrics, especially where the writer of that song (RM?) described our scars as our own galaxies. It’s one of the three star songs by the way (Magic Shop and Mikrokosmos being the other two, and just so you know, I coined this term by myself) and always remember that star songs are always the best ones. ARMYS are so lucky to be gifted with such songs that inspire us in times of our dark moments.

21. Favorite song from solo projects (outside the group)

Seoul by RM from his own solo album Mono.

I want you to know that every song that RM writes is my favorite. RM is my inspiration and he’s the second best composer I ever knew (next to Ed Sheeran). I love how open minded he is and how he sees the world and writes how he feels about it. In Seoul, he expressed his deep feelings  about his homeland, including all the ups and downs he had as he lives there and how he cherishes and loves it wholeheartedly even after seeing all its dark sides. It’s one of the best songs I ever knew.

22. Favorite cypher

Cypher pt. 4.

For me it’s the deepest among the 4 cyphers in terms of its meaning. It’s currently the last cypher for now (though I’m still hoping for another more) and Namjoon did put a good effort in writing his parts there. I love how he literally raps his mockery against the prejudice of Kpop idols in the Kpop industry. That line “Oh face, not an idol” is really a good hint in telling people out there how sick Kpop is as an industry who only invests in people with good appearances and not in talents. Namjoon wrote down this line “sorry bae” to roast down people who think of idols that way. “Sorry Bae” because I’m talented. “sorry bae” because I’m breathing. “sorry bae” because I’m healthy. “sorry bae” because I’m still shining despite your negative comments about how I don’t fit in your qualifications.

It’s not just the industry though. It’s people’s perception on Kpop and how they look kpop as one of those things that shine like stars and idols with faces as bright as diamonds and all that jolly dolly kind of music. They hate what they don’t like and it doesn’t end in just hating but all the way to giving their unpopular opinions to the public with lots of bashing and roasting and outrageous participations in fandom wars. Not to mention the antis and haters who have absolutely no knowledge about kpop and still getting busy out there trying to bring it down. 

“sorry bae” because you know my name even though I don’t know yours. Haters roast BTS through hate comments. BTS roast them back through their beautiful songs. And we, ARMYs, are loving this war.

23. A song with beautiful lyrics

My favorite star song, Magic Shop. The first song that I coined as a star song. Also the first song that I really admired in terms of its meaning ever since I became an ARMY. It’s ARMY’s song. Our Song. My Song. Namjoon wrote it for us, describing that there is a door in our subconscious mind that leads to a world (or more likely a shop) where everything is good and happy and that all you have to do is to open it and exchange all your fears, miseries, pain and negativities with happiness and all the good stuffs.

24. Favorite Japanese song

Crystal Snow.

I love that song because Seokjin hit 3 high notes in it. I love Seokjin’s vocals when he tries harder to make it better. The beat of the song and its rhythm are great as well. Plus the background music is something that you really want to listen to if you want to feel something.

25. A song that you haven’t heard for a long time

There were many but let’s choose Tomorrow for now. The feels that this song give is so cool and will make you want to say that this is really how raps should be. Lol I don’t really know anything about raps but this one just defines it for me. The lyrics were deep since its one of the songs when Hip Hop BTS are still promoting and during those times BTS like to appeal as tough and rebellious teenagers who are sick of the society they’re living in. So the lyrics of most of the songs they wrote during those times, including this one, are kind of reflecting the lives of teenagers and youth and how they overcome everyday’s struggles in order to accomplish their dreams and live a better tomorrow.

26. A song without choreography

Butterfly. It’s that song that I love. It doesn’t have to have a choreography . I love it anyway.

27. A song that feels different when you hear it live

House of cards.

It sounds raw and original when the vocal line sing it live. You can literally hear Jimin’s high notes transforming into a girly-kind-of scream, Jin’s vocals being forced out of his lungs, and V trying to raise his deep voice. All of this while Jungkook sings so well, not minding any mishaps that his friends are making. But then, I love it anyway. It’s the truest vocals that Bangtan ever has and it’s perfect no matter what.

28. A song that helped  you the most

Magic Shop.

I always come back over and over again to this song. It was that one song that stayed with me when I was struggling during my last year in college, the one that got me through all the breakdown moments and painful times. The one song that I called a friend when everyone in my circle became dramatic and overreacting jerks who just have so much to say and didn’t even listen to me. The song that symbolizes hope that made me believe that a better tomorrow will come. I owe everything to this song. It has always been there for me.

29. A song about politics and society

There were many of those songs but I choose No More Dream. Before BTS were famous with all their deep and meaningful songs about loving oneself, there was this song. The beginning of everything.  As Suga once said, “It isn’t a BTS album if there isn’t a track criticizing society.” It all started with No More Dream. All the dissing and roasting and revealing what society is like for young people like BTS started with the story of No More Dream where youth were deprived of their own dreams because “parents-know-best” kind of stuff exists.

Sorry I had to search it out. (You can check all the songs here under that category: https://www.billboard.com/articles/columns/k-town/7966116/bts-socially-conscious-woke-songs-go-go-list  it’s really cool to get to know those songs)

30. A new song

There’s this other version of Make It Right where Lauv sings the first part in English. I love it because it looks like the kind of songs a lot of people would want to listen to. Especially non-kpopper people. Or people who love Lauv but not BTS. To me, this song is like an instrument to change their minds about kpop. This will prove that, even though Kpop is not English, it’s music. And music creates good vibes and relaxing sensations no matter what country it belongs. And with Lauv singing in English and BTS singing in their own language, it breaks the standards that some western-stereotyped people put into music. Music should be boundless and BTS proved that right.

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[062467]

Rammstein Tag Game!

Rules: - Tag the person who tagged you, so they know. - Put your answers under the questions. - Tag as many awesome people as you want. - Feel free to do it if you weren’t tagged! Here we go!

I don’t remember who I was tagged by, this draft post is like 3 years old i’m sorry haha

1. If you get a chance to take a photo with your favorite member, would you like them to smile, make an interesting pose, be serious or something else?

I would honestly love them to smile, there’s nothing more precious than them, six men who do pyro, sing about eating humans and generally seem badass and scary, smiling.

2. If you could choose only one of the previous live performances to go to, which one would you choose?

opening of the Mutter tour, or the one when they played Lied von der unruhevollen Jugend or Pet Sematary. honestly, i’d just blind pick one of these.

3. How old were you when Sehnsucht came out? (1997)

-3:) kill me now

4. Which era (their appearance/look) do you think was the best?

MUTTER, THE RED FLÄMIN HOT CHEETO TIPS. or just the general full-on fed hair thing. but Reise, Reise was also flaming hot.

5. What’s your desired relationship with Frau Schneider? (wife, mother, etc.)

I feel like she’d be this one annoying aunt, who you love despite them being irritating as shit. love me some Frau.

6. Which hairstyle suits each member the best in your opinion?

Paul: the long hair, doesn’t matter if blonde or brown Till: his Herzeleid hair or the silver-ish Sehnsucht Richard: spiky black, like Ich-Will-video level spiky black. but I live for richard in long-ish hair... Flake: blonde Oliver: hehe. no but seriously a full beard suits him. Schneider: I feel like now is my favorite Schneider era. that or either the Sehnsucht one.

7. Which of the members do you think you’d get along with the best and why?

either Paul, because I’m a goofy mess, but can pose as intimidating, or Richard, because I’d constantly express my admiration for him. and he’d love that. on a serious note tho, I feel like we have some problems in common, as well as the supernatural thingy would be an interesting topic to tackle. idk, I’d do my best to get along with all of them.

8. Which of the members do you think you’d get along with the least and why?

probably Flake, Oliver or Till. I heard that Flake is cranky and seems shy, same with Oli, I’m shy too, so idk if any conversation would ever take place haha. and with Till I’d simply be too damn scared to say a thing. so there’s that. basically we wouldn’t *dislike* each other, there would be barely any contact lol

9. Who of the members would you like to see singing with Till?

hell, maybe Ollie or Doom, just because I never heard them sing with him, I think.

10. Which band’s song would you wish to see as a cover by Rammstein?

idk, they always kinda surprised me with their cover choices and execution, so I wouldn’t like to change that, they’re doing a good job.

11. Who of the members would make the best dad?

something tells me that Schneider is a really caring dad.

12. If you got the chance to interview Rammstein, what would you ask them?

how do you pick you setlist? what qualifies a track to be an opener?

do you come up with stage and outfits concept yourself, or is it suggested by someone else?

what flavor of ice cream would you be?

what is your most vivid memory from your childhood?

which era is your favorite?

do you have a vision of a music video for a song that never got one? or a different vision than the music video it got?

I’d rather not write all of it here. not because they’re inappropriate or something, it’s just, I don’t even wanna start writing some of them, because I’m gonna cry lmao.

13. Would you consider of doing a nude scene in Rammstein’s music video? (just you appearing nude, nothing too nsfw)

I mean, if course I’d consider it. it would depend on my shape at the time and just on that probably. doing acts and nude scenes is, supposedly, very liberating and makes you more comfortable with yourself, so why not. and hey - I’d be in a Rammstein video haha. (I’d probably not like the way I look and hate myself a bit for doing the scene)

14. If you could remake a movie(s) so that the main role is played by one of the members, which movie(s) would you like to remake?

my favorite movies are always pretty tragic or scary as fuck for the main character, so idk if I’d like to see any of the members in such state.

15. Who of the members would make the best husband?

I will go with Flake or Ollie

16. You can put eyeliner on one of the members, who do you pick?

well, Richard, obviously, since he doesn’t seem to do it anymore (which should be considered a crime, he looks so good in eyeliner jeez).

17. Who of the members would make the creepiest uncle?

Till. all the way lmao. like, imagine him on family gatherings doing all the hips and tongue movements aaaa.

18. What do you think about the “Pussy” music video?

I love it, it’s so funny to me. when I watch it, it’s always a mixture of being a tad uncomfortable, turned on and giggly.

19. If you could travel somewhere with Rammstein and pick a destination, where would you go?

I’d go to the place where they had the whole creative process (and recording, I believe) of LIFAD or Mutter. I’d just like to kinda re-live it with them.

20. Who of the members would be the best to get drunk with?

I’d love to get hammered with Paulchen.

21. Could you sing Engel with Till in front of thousands?

hell yeah, this is one of the few songs I feel comfortable singing. I’d love to do that even more if it was done like on 2019 stadium tour, on the b-stage, only with piano and rest of the group humming. ahh.

22. With which member would you agree to swap clothes with and with which one would you definitely not?

if we’re talking personal style, Paul has some poppin outfits, from what I’ve seen, Richard and his shirts, however... I would just let him rock them:)

now if we’re talking stage outfits, I’d LOVE to switch with Richard (especially the fluffy coat), there’s not really a person I wouldn’t switch with, as long as they’re not topless haha.

23. Which of the members do you think would win in a stripping competition?

Richard.

24. Which of the following would you rather be?

- Rammstein’s manager - Rammstein’s make up artist 🙋🏻‍♀️ - Rammstein’s bodyguard

25. Which of the members would make the best best friend?

Paul.

26. Which Rammstein song do you skip on your shuffle? (There must be that one song you just don’t need at the moment)

Stirb nicht vor mir. I’m sorry but I rarely can stomach it. it’s a nice song in theory, but there’s just something about it that I can’t stand, maybe it’s the other artist’s voice, I don’t know.

27. What would you do if Paul made a bad joke about you? (With good intentions but slightly rude)

I’d laugh and pretend to be offended for a quick second haha

28. Who would you give a stuffed animal and who a leather thong for their birthday? XD

I’d give the animal to Flake and the thong to Till.

29. Are you concerned about anything that has to do with Rammstein?

I’m always scared for them tbh. oftentimes I’m just petrified at the thought of stage/pyro malfunction, I mean what they’re doing is some really dangerous stuff.

besides, I’m scared when I think that they won’t be here forever, sometimes I’m scared that they won’t be there when I’ll be in my 30s, so I’m grateful for every moment I can cherish them and their craft, for every minute at the shows.

30. Would you like to get a tattoo that refers to Rammstein?

yeah, I’d like a couple.

31. Would you pet Oliver’s head?

who tf wouldn’t like to?

32. Which position in Rammstein do you find the hardest to be? (for example: the frontman, drummer, bassist etc.)

probably frontman, lots and lots of pressure, most eyes are probably on them, they have to use most dangerous props and move a lot, so it takes a physical toll as well.

33. If you could have one of the members with you in school/work to protect you from evil, who would you take?

oh damn, that’s an interesting one. Richard, Is love to have him around.

34. If you were in one of the boys position, would you feel awkward or strange when you see your face on a giant poster?

of course, I’d hate it, probably. after sometime tho, I’d get used to it.

35. Would you Flake dance with Flake on stage?

if only I could dance like him haha, but I’d love to try!

36. Do you think any of the songs are underrated or overrated and why?

obviously I think Du hast is a tad overrated, as for underrated - Nebel, Adios, Hilf mir, Dalai Lama, just off the top of my head.

37. Who of the members would make the best breakfast?

I’m gonna go with Ollie, he’s so stoic and always in great shape.

38. Would you like them to make a song in your native language? (If they haven’t already)

hm, Till made an intro to polish edition of Sehnsucht and it was very sweet to hear it, but I don’t think so, no. if it was like in Ausländer, one or two words, sure, but I never want to get over the excitement of Till speaking Polish haha.

39. Which Rammstein couple combinations do you ship?

I don’t I mean I love all the sweet moments they share, but I get a bit uncomfortable when people make it out to be a bigger thing than it is. of course I love to joke around about their bromances, but it’s as far as it gets tbh.

40. Would you join Richard in his spray tanning hour?

I mean, damn, I love being pale-ish, but we’d have to be barely clothed while in there, right...?

RIGHT...?

41. What Rammstein possession are you most fond of? (merchandise, album or other)

probably the Völkerball photo album, I love it. I particularly like to go to the index and search for pictures from Poland, it makes me very emotional.

42. Favorite song performed live?

Heirate mich or Was ich liebe.

43. Would you dare to touch Frau Schneider’s hair?

I’d beg her to allow me to.

44. Rammstein with beard? Yes/No

yes, except from Richard and Flake.

45. Which of the members would be the best for playing video games with?

Paulie or Ollie.

46. Red haired Rammstein or blonde Rammstein?

oh shit oh fuck, I’m gonna go with blonde just because red tips Rammstein>redhead Rammstein.

47. Favorite interview with one or all Rammstein members?

Viva Jam 1998, still have a copy on my computer, it’s my first and favorite interview.

48. Would you Till hammer with Till on stage?

what are these questions, of course I would.

49. Your favorite feature in each member?

Paul: smile creases Schneider: smile! Flake: I love his whole face, it’s so calming Till: eyes and lips, can’t choose Oliver: his chest and him being a friggin giant Richard: tummy and lisp (I hope it can be considered a feature)

50. If you could write a letter to Rammstein what would you write?

some cheesy shit I will not share here.

I tag @amura @gay-pengy @beauty-at-matrix @naraism @followthecreeper

[asterinjapan]

KOKIA in Nagoya Blue Note [2018.08.11], first stage review

Hi everyone!

I got back from Nagoya, and there's something I want to get wordy about. You see, KOKIA held a performance at Nagoya Blue Note today, and I was lucky enough to get to attend the first stage. Naturally, I want to tell you all about it, so my review follows below the cut!

Without further ado, first the set list (from memory, but I’m fairly confident about it):

Bye bye blackbird Tenki ga ii, biiru o nomou (’the weather’s nice, let’s drink a beer’) Power of smile/the girl from Ipanema Kangaroo pocket Kirin (’Giraffe’) Waraenai hanashi (’a story not for laughing’) Obake ga kowai nante (’ghosts aren’t really scary’) What a wonderful world Moment ~ima o ikiru~ (’live in the now’) kono chikyuu ga marui okage de (’thanks to this planet being round’) Summertime

The setting was really intimate, like a jazz bar. I was on the left of the stage in the front, close to the pianist, and close enough to touch the stage if I were to lie on the ground here, haha. Pianist, bassist, guitarist and drummer all entered the stage before KOKIA went up herself. I think this is the first time I've seen her wearing pants, with a glittery top this time. It fit the casual atmosphere. 

I was right with my jazz reference as she started with bye bye blackbird, a cover song I haven't heard live from her yet and in fact, I'm fairly sure she hasn't performed it in a while to begin with? The sounds were light and upbeat, getting us in the mood for a comfortable afternoon. 

I think it was after this song that she started referring to the hot summer weather,  as the next song was very aptly titled: tenk ga ii, biiru o nomou: the weather's good, let's drink a beer, haha. (You needed to get at least one drink here along with your ticket.) It's from the new album, Tokyo mermaid, and fit right in the jazzy and light hearted flow that blackbird had started. She got her band members to join in on the occasional cheer halfway through the song,  haha. After that, she mentioned the drink she had as a specialty for today, since we should be in the mood for drinks on this hot, hot summer day, obviously! (I definitely agree. In the mean while, I had barely touched my iced tea yet because I was so enthralled already, haha. ) She then asked for us to enjoy the next song, after which the pianist started a song I didn't immediately recognize at first. Then she started singing and it clicked: blast from the past, Power of Smile! It was, again, a more jazz inspired version of the song, pretty similar to the version she rearranged for her best of album pearl, subtitled a gentle breeze. I loved KOKIA's own smile as she delivered this song, light and sweet. Halfway through, we were in for a surprise: the song morphed to English,  and then KOKIA covered girl from Ipanema. That was a very fun surprise! Next up,  she talked about how much fun she's had with her upcoming album, ikimono no ongakkai (concert of living beings), part 2 of her animal series. She already teased about a preview and indeed, she mentioned the kangaroo and its pocket, which she identified with because you can just swing your child around in a pocket in front of you like that, haha. So next up, the kangaroo song, Kangaroo pocket! It was still kind of jazzy and the lyrics went a catchy "kangaroo-roo-roo pocket", and she did the whole swinging thing too, haha. So cute! The first animal album was quite a change from her previous works as it's explicitly intended to also be enjoyed by little children, so there are also a lot of animal noises in there which was apparently a lot of fun in rehearsals. We weren't yet done with the animals! I actually felt the song sounded a bit like the giraffe song from her first animal album in terms of general atmosphere, and in keeping with that atmosphere, we got - the giraffe song! (Actually, considering giraffe is Kirin in Japanese which is also a beer brand, I'm wondering as I type this whether she was still trying to get us to drink, hmmm.)

Of course, she also came back to her most recently released album, Tokyo Mermaid, which she's really proud of and she hopes that those who haven't gotten it yet would give it a listen. For now the appetizer: two songs from the album! I must confess I am not super familiar to all songs yet, so I had to rely on the lyrics to identify Waraenai hanashi (’not a story to laugh about’). The sound of it brings me back to earlier albums, and although it is a song that didn’t stick out to me right away, it got stuck with me now. And then, she started a song I immediately did recognize because it's the first one from the album and also one that I latched on almost instantly: obake ga kowai nante (ghosts aren't really scary). From what I heard from the DVD preview, she slowed it down considerably for the 20th anniversary concert, but this was the normal rhythm. I think it could be a pretty sad song, but she kept her smile and the song felt light instead. I really love this song and i was so glad she'd put it on today's set list!

Next up was a song with mostly just KOKIA and piano, which is a combination that always makes me happy. This was a song all of you know: What a wonderful world. She sings it a bit slower than the original, but so kind and sweet. I feel like her English has improved a lot over the years, and she definitely knows what she's singing, as she gestured and smiled knowingly when the lyrics about children growing up came up.

With the intro of the next song however, I immediately perked up because I knew this one very, very well. I think she's performed it every time I've seen her live, which is a blessing, because this was moment ~ima o ikiru~ (live in the now), which is an impressive song on its own but even more amazing live. Gone was the light tone of the previous songs: suddenly, the small venue seemed much, much too small to hold her powerful voice as she didn't hold back. I really tried not to cry, because this song hits me hard, but KOKIA looked almost straight at me when she was looking at her pianist for cues and I didn't want to cry on her, haha. This was marvelous. The lights swelled with the song, she effortlessly held her ridiculously long tone (last time I remembered to record it, I clocked it at 22 seconds!), and just - wow. That's not the most insightful review ever, but I'm just so blown away every time, especially contrasting the previous songs. Although KOKIA is without a doubt a professional and at ease on stage, it was like she just let loose all of the reins to deliver on moment, and delivering she did. I barely remembered to sip my drink as she took the microphone again for a talk.

She mentioned her upcoming concerts, of which there are a LOT (trust me, I run a fan blog and I've been having trouble keeping it up to date this year, haha), but the first ones up will be in China. Not entirely coincidentally I suspect, her next song was kono chikyuu ga marui  okage de (thanks to this planet being round). This is a song that swells, although not quite as much as moment, haha. I really like it though. 

It definitely was a little earlier, but KOKIA also mentioned the last time she performed here in Nagoya, which was last year’s birthday live show, when the audience apparently started singing Happy Birthday to her. The pianist tried to sing it now too, but shied away once he was offered the microphone, haha.

I think it was during this time that KOKIA started to thank the musicians, but we weren't done just yet: suddenly, she picked up the tempo and the volume, as the final song felt too big to be contained in such a small space, wow. KOKIA really is an amazing singer: she sounds like it's effortless live, and this was no exception. The song was English and very appropriately Summertime, though definitely a more powerful and slightly more up-tempo than the versions I can find online (I don’t know a lot of jazz, okay, sorry about that, haha) .

And suddenly, it was over, just like that. I mean, it makes sense since she has two performances today, but I was still overwhelmed by her performance and kind of meekly sipped on my iced tea while people around me were getting up. As it turned out, there was a shop with merchandise, and it was still open! When I went over to check, we noticed KOKIA sitting in the next room over - she was having an signature session.  Ohhh boy! I mean, with how small the venue was I was hoping for it, but being able to see KOKIA this close and getting to talk to her twice within a year was a bit much for my heart, haha. 

I'm a spoiled brat who already had all the albums for sale, but I did spot the normal version of her 20th anniversary best of album, which has a lovely but completely different cover and packaging from the special edition (which I had pre-ordered, because come on, have we met). So I ended up buying an album I already have (technically twice even, since it's a collection), but it did mean I could queue up! Keeping with the atmosphere, this session was much more up close and laid back than the Christmas concert back in December (but honestly, I was already amazed she held an autograph session at all back then, given how huge that venue was). KOKIA was seated at a high table putting her at eye level, and the queue was so short I was getting fidgety trying to remove the packaging as quickly as possible, haha. And suddenly I was at the front, and she seemed pleasantly surprised to see me (I'm fairly sure I was one of the very few obviously foreigners here today, at least from what I saw). I thanked her profusely for today (I never quite know what to express but gratitude when it comes to KOKIA), and we actually got to talk a bit. I mentioned I was from the Netherlands, and she was impressed with my language skills since, as my blog demonstrates (and she knows it's there!), I speak at least 3 languages,  haha. I'm not quite as fluent as I wish in Japanese, but this talk went pretty alright with some help here and there. I explained that moment as a song meant a lot to me and asked her to sign the booklet at that page, and she wrote it out to my name with a smiley face, hee. There were still people waiting for their turn, so I thanked her again and got to shake hands before leaving.

And with that, I think I summoned up today's main event pretty well! I'm currently in the train back to my hotel, so I'm typing this on my phone.

Aaand now I’m back at the hotel and have just finished tidying up this review a bit, haha. I hope I didn’t forget to mention anything, but I’ll stalk twitter a bit for the other fan reviews there.

Thanks for reading my rambling thus far and if you’re reading this, KOKIA, thank you again for a wonderful afternoon! It was very different and a sharp contrast from the last live show (when she did a huge hall concert backed up by a full orchestra), but I can’t help but fall in love with your music all over again every time.

See you soon again!

[magg0t-bible]

Top 20 Favourite Alt-J Songs

The title is pretty self explanatory so I’m just gonna jump right in

(Also I’ll be briefly explaining what I like about each one, so another long post. Feel free to skip through if you just want to know the songs)

20. Left Hand Free

Generally a really nice bop. It is arguably their most poppy song, and quite different from most of their other music, but it’s still recognisably them, which is what I love. Honestly all I have to hear is the guitar intro and I’m already dancing like an idiot

ALSO there’s a really cute interview/live performance that the band did on KEXP  (I’ll insert the link at the end if I can be bothered) where they’re playing this song and in the bit where it goes back to “ain’t shady baby I’m hot”, Gus starts clapping to the beat and makes Joe laugh so much that he can’t even sing it properly and it’s v cute

(Also the little “speakeasy” about halfway through is sexy ngl)

19. Interlude 3 ❦

Strange choice I know, but hear me out. I love the simplicity of this interlude, because it’s literally just 58 seconds of piano and quiet vocalising over the top, but it WORKS SO WELL. Plus it’s placed between a heavier song and a more gentle song on the album, so it’s an interesting way of transitioning.

18. Taro

I have such good memories of the first time I heard Taro. I associate it with getting up early in the morning and going for a walk, as cheesy as that sounds - it just generally fills me with so much happiness. I think it’s very well composed, and that INSTRUMENTAL!! I love it!!!

Not to mention the lyrics about the two war photographers (Robert Capa and Gerda Taro) are very interesting. In general I just really love the different topics that Alt-J write about in their songs.

17. Arrival In Nara

This is such a beautiful, peaceful and gentle song. The piano in the first half sets the song up so nicely, and it’s complemented well with the really light vocals. Especially when Joe and Gus harmonise for the “though I cannot see I can hear her smile as she sings”....I’m dead

16. Intro (This Is All Yours version)

 Even though this song does take some time to build up, I’d definitely say it’s worth the wait. The layers are built up so gradually and effectively, and by the time the drums come in, it’s just....it’s just amazing. Wow.

15. Ms

I actually used to skip this song when I first listened to An Awesome Wave, not because I didn’t like it, just because it didn’t really stand out to me that much. WELL. 

You know that meme that’s been recreated a million times that says “when you listen to that one song on the album you always skip and it’s actually fire”? Yeah, that’s Ms. The lyrics are beautiful, the a cappella on “the dark seeks dark” works so nicely, and the instrumental after “the nights of all my youth pressed into one glass of water/the shadow burns across like embers tide paper” is so incredibly relaxing.

14. 3WW

I remember one day early in 2017, I said to myself, “it’d be really nice to see Alt-J live, but they haven’t made any music in like, three years. Oh well.” 

THE. LITERAL. NEXT. DAY. My friend texted me saying that they’d released a teaser for a new song. So after running round my house hyperventilating and whisper-screaming (don’t worry, I was home alone), I went onto YouTube and listened to the 30-second teaser of 3WW. 

AND MY MIND WAS BLOWN. Even more so when I listened to the full song. Gus’ vocals in the beginning are AMAZING - so glad he finally got a solo. Ellie Rowsell’s vocals halfway through are so perfectly placed, and she was definitely the right woman for the job. The instrumentation is absolutely beautiful. Overall the song is just a masterpiece.

13. Hunger Of The Pine

The first song I ever heard from This Is All Yours. I love the way it begins, with Joe singing without any accompaniment apart from that repeating note. It’s another song that builds up nicely, especially by the time the drums come in, and that Miley Cyrus sample?! I had no idea it was her, it just blends in so well.

This is definitely the sort of song you should listen to with headphones on, preferably also with your eyes closed. It’s such an experience and it really takes me places.

(Also shoutout to Gus and his awesome French skills towards the end)

12. The Gospel Of John Hurt

This song is quite similar to HOTP, in the way that it focuses on layers and starts in a very simplistic way before building up. I really like the drums in the second verse and chorus, and the tempo change right after that. I also thought it was cool that the first time Joe sings “Jeremiah” it’s kind of gentle and airy, but then the second time it’s more like “JeremiAHHHHHH” idk it’s cool

And every chorus after the tempo change just makes me feel like my soul has been awoken because W O W

11. Dissolve Me

The first few months of 2017 were a bit difficult for me, and An Awesome Wave as a whole really helped me through them. However, Dissolve Me stood out because of the line “she makes the sound, the sound the sea makes, to calm me down”. My difficulties were to do with my anxiety, and listening to this song helped me to relax like you wouldn’t believe. So it holds a special place in my heart for that reason.

My favourite part has to be the ending when Joe and Gus are harmonising with the “ohhh” and then the chords from the intro come back, and they take it in turns to sing “she makes the sound the sea makes, knee deep in the north”. Absolutely spectacular, even more so live.

10. Something Good

This song definitely lives up to its title. As far is I’m concerned, if you tell me that you can listen to the drums in the intro and not want to dance, you’re a liar. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

The vocals in the verses are honestly so groovy, and the choruses are somewhat gentle, but they still make me want to get up and dance. The drums throughout the whole song also give it a really nice vibe.

9. Interlude 1/The Ripe & Ruin ❦

I have a surprisingly strong connection with this song, and I’ll explain why. The lyrics are generally about finding balance in your life, but they more specifically describe a woman who constantly counts her steps while walking and makes sure to “abide by the law that she herself has set”. One of my idiosyncrasies has always been pretty much exactly this, and I’ve always thought I was weird for doing it, so this interlude makes me feel lot less alone. Plus the lack of music makes it feel much more intimate.

8. In Cold Blood

AN ACTUAL BANGER. That’s pretty much all I need to say.

The way it instantly begins. The fact that the numbers in the beginning are backwards binary code for ∆, meaning it’s the world’s most cryptic name drop. The line “all above crowd around so fucking loud”. The brass in the chorus. The way the music at the end of the chorus just instantly stops, Joe sings “in cold blood”, and then the music comes right back. I LOVE IT ALL.

7. Tessellate 

Tessellate was the song that led me to discover Alt-J, thanks to my extreme obsession with the Ellie Goulding cover that spent a long time being my favourite song ever. I will admit that my younger, unappreciative self wasn’t huge fan of the original song initially, partially because I saw some of the dodgy looking people in the music video lip syncing to the song and naturally thought they were the band. But over time, I decided to give Alt-J another go, and it was probably one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. And I obviously LOVE Tessellate now.

6. Adeline

I’m pretty sad I didn’t get to see this song live, but listening to it at home with headphones is a magical enough experience. It has such powerful lyrics, the way everything gradually builds up is just so beautiful (yes I say that a lot, but they do it a lot okay), it’s just incredible. Especially that end bit where Gus is singing “ohhhhh my Adeline” and you hear the “YAAA YAAA YAAA” over the top. MIND=BLOWN.

5. Matilda

I can honestly say that it was love at first listen with Matilda. Given that I’d been introduced to Alt-J with Breezeblocks and Tessellate, it was nice to listen to something that was a little more light and gentle (in my opinion). I love the way the song references the film Léon, and the drum beat right at the start of the first verse is so peaceful and nice to listen to.

4. Fitzpleasure

When I first got into Alt-J and I’d only heard An Awesome Wave, Fitzpleasure was actually my number 1 favourite song of theirs. I obviously still love it, given that it’s now number 4. The bass line (and guitar in general) is so COOL!! It’s such a groovy sounding song and I love the way it switches between Joe singing a cappella and heavy bass. 10/10.

(P.S. yes I know what the song is about, and no, we are not discussing that today.)

3. Pleader

My favourite Relaxer song, the music video for which has made me cry on multiple occasions. The introductory violins, the way everything is layered, the vocals, the lyrics, basically this song just makes me feel every single emotion at once and it gives me goosebumps and it’s AMAZING. What a killer song to end an album with.

2. Bloodflood

This may come as a surprise, but I actually took ages to listen to this song. I didn’t actually listen to An Awesome Wave from start to finish, I kinda just put it on my laptop and listened to each song gradually, which I now realise was not the best idea. But HOLY MOLY. BLOODFLOOD.

I don’t think I need to say much about this song, because every Alt-J fan knows why it’s amazing. However, it is only number 2, because in terms of personal connections and meaning, there is only one song that can top it.

And that song is......

*drumroll*

1. Nara

WOW. Where to even start. The first time I listened to This Is All Yours (actually from start to finish this time), Nara just stuck out to me for some reason. I have always been a huge supporter of the LGBT+ community, and hearing a song about a gay relationship is just really nice for me. It’s incredibly powerful due to its description of how difficult it is to be gay in a situation where that isn’t truly accepted. 

As well as that, the repetition of “hallelujah, Bovay, Alabama” at the end always hits me right in the feels. It’s such a simple motif, yet it works so well as an outro, especially if you understand why they chose those specific words.

So there you go, my top 20 favourite Alt-J songs. Congratulations if you made it this far.

Honourable Mentions

(aka songs that could’ve been on the list but I only thought of them after I’d finished writing the list and I couldn’t be bothered changing it so here they are)

Breezeblocks

Bloodflood pt. II

Deadcrush

Every Other Freckle

Intro (An Awesome Wave version)

Last Year

Portrait

353

Ok I promise I’m done now

[Here’s the interview if you’re interested, Left Hand Free is at 7:14]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrqIws8Q7H4&t=441s

[junaeneous]

Love Yourself “Her” Album Commentary That No One Asked For

lET THE MUSIC STUDENT DO HER THING OKAY SHUSH

1; Intro: Serendipity 

THE MERE FACT THAT PARK JIMIN DID THE INTRO IS A1 FOLKS. You’re in the mood to cuddle? Serendipity. It’s raining and you feel Affectionate? Serendipity. You just wanna hear Jimin carry out the line “just let me love you” beautifully over a falsetto when you miss him? FUCKIN SERENDIPITY. 

Anyway melody wise it’s really simplistic, something I really love!!! in songs. It’s not complex or something that’ll have you...up? If that makes sense? Lol there’s a genre of music called minimalistic and it’s completely different to this, it’s more random and very spontaneous so it’s nothing like Serendipity but ya know simplistic, minimalistic... :D

anyway it’s really calming and soothing to listen to, with some minor chord changes and the highlight being Jimin’s voice so I for sure love <333333

2; DNA (title)

HOE

JUNGKOOK WHISTLING IN THE TEASER WAS TORTUROUS ENOUGH

AND THEN THIS SONG??

TAEHYUNG’S VOCALS NEED ENDLESS AWARDS AHHH

also I love the guitar’s role in this so much idk why?? it’s basically playing the chords over and over and changes in the pre-chorus but it’s sooo good?? I LOVE IT

I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT DROP I WILL TELL YOU THAT

synth + bts = perfection??

Rap line’s flow will always always always leave me impressed and stunned bc they’re all so flexible and can adapt to any beat/rhythm like??? true talent??? exceptionally smooth??

KIM SEOKJIN SINGING IS AMBROSIA TO ME YOU GUYS I CANNOT EXPRESS HOW MUCH I LOVED HEARING HIM I JUST LOVE HIS VOICE I LOVE HIM HIS VISUALS HE’S JUST AN OVERALL A1 TO THIS SONG OKAY FIGHT ME ON THIS

Hoseok’s (i presume?) “la la la la la la” THE BEST ADLIB WOW STAB ME

okay ahem getting too long

TAEHYUNG RAPPING GOT ME FUC--

3; Best of Me

Kim. Taehyung. Singing.

Gives me life. 

It truly does. 

When the song first began I was like “Aw is this gonna be a slow kinda song??” bUT I WAS TAKEN BY SURPRISE YET AGAIN

Also I’m getting a lot of fetus Bangtan vibes very well incorporated into this new style they’re going for. As in with vocal colour and just the very...essence of it reminds me a lot of their old stuff but improved and adapted to today’s style and I love it!!

Hoseok’s rapping just gets better with every song! Like if you listen to their earlier songs and compare them to their latest ones, you’ll genuinely be surprised at the difference, I can definitely hear the stable confidence when he’s doing his thing. I’m so so so so so impressed and shook and I reaaaally want to tell him that ahhh

4; Dimples (보조개)

I LOVED THIS SO MUCH WOW

KIM SEOKJIN HITTING HIGH NOTES AND SAYING “BABY” MAKES MY HEART SOAR YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND--

Of course, before you wonder why I haven’t mentioned Jungkook, it’s because I don’t need to say it: his vocals are on fucking point. In every song, when it’s his lines and his moment, he owns it, like you just know “yeah that’s Jungkook murdering me right now what a blissful death!” 

Also the way they sing this song, drawled out and swung just brings forth a lot of envy and pride from me, because singing with that style--all swung and drawled out--while holding out your vibrato and making sure your diction is good is hard and they make it sound so easy, like I stan vocal kings wow??

Melody wise, it’s the kind of song that’ll be stuck in my head all day and I don’t think I’ll ever want it out tbh. The production behind this was aimed at a certain criteria and they definitely hit it. I won’t go into a ramble about all the stuff I can pick out, I’ll just tell you that it’s beautiful and I love it and I could only hope to produce music to such calibre. <333333

5; Pied Piper

BODY ROLLS

FOR DAAAAAAAAAYS

they’re really going for higher registers this comeback and I AM ALL FOR IT.

AGAIN THE GUITAR(S)

they’re kind of blended into the back but I’m still picking it out because we study picking apart a song instrument by instrument in music and now I can’t turn it off lmao

BUT STILL THE BASS GUITAR HAS ME SNATCHED WOW!!!!!

THE ADLIB IN THIS IS AMAAAAAAAAAAZING. At first listen you may not catch it, but from frequent listening you’ll see what I mean, it’s so good!!!!

Also I know I’m not commenting on the lyrics and that’s bc I haven’t seen them yet, I’m going solely by what I can hear and I’m sure the lyrics are...well, we’ll see :D

Jimin and Jin are ready to get people to swerve and bOI I”M SURE PEOPLE ARE SWERVING

their vocal colours are really showing and I 100% SUPPORT

6; SKIT: Billboard Music Awards Speech

do I even need to comment on this?

More than being an ARMY and stanning such a wonderful group of hard-working, humble, wonderful men, as an Asian it was such a Moment for me to see them win? Namjoon’s speech was brilliant, their faces were so adorable and they looked so happy it was worth getting up at two in the morning on a school day to watch it like i literally did not care and i was smiling the whole day after 

Growing up, I watched a loooot of cartoons and T.V shows and I never really saw Asians take lead roles and do heroic things as much as I’d have liked to. I cherished Mulan, Pocahontas, Jungle Book and the likes because it was the closest I got to seeing characters (esp. females for the first two!!) from diverse backgrounds doing heroic things

that pride seeped into that day for sure, I was so beyond proud that they got the recognition that they deserved. 

it sucks that it opened a gateway for award shows (no shade hahaha :D) to milk the shit out of them for views and such, but the bigger impact that it had will stick with me for long, long time. I hope that there’ll be more POC representation in the Western world, because skin colour will never define who gets to be a hero and who doesn’t. 

ahem sorry moving on!!

7; MIC Drop

THE WAY THIS STARTED ALREADY GOT ME HYPED

Hoseok opening? 

Y E S.

The texture is rather thin for this but that’s the point, your focus has to be on the them and how they’re very rapidly increasing the entire fandom’s thirst level lmao

I’M SURE THE LYRICS ARE FIRE I’M GETTING THOSE VIBES

LIZZY I AGREE WITH YOUR STATEMENT 

their raspy voices and screaming literally made me feel this rush?? similar to going on a rollercoaster and then that fuckin thing just drops and you’re like hOlY shIT

yeah that’s me

watch me bass boost this and annoy my neighbours for the next 24 years :D

8; 고민보다 Go

why did the flute/recorder remind me of Mask Off jsnldljdlj

THE SCREECHING IN THE BACKGROUND LMAOOO

Jungkook’s “do you want some?” UHM OFC I DO WHAT DO YOU MEA--

I found the contrast of layers in this song really interesting because they made it work. Like wow, I’ve heard them separately but I would never think to combine them and that’s genius!! I’m unsure of how to explain what I mean, but the sound is really unique and fresh and 11/10 so there!

Taehyung coming for me yet again in this song but it’s cool guys I’ll just lET HIM TAKE MY IT’S ALL GOOD

“Where the party at” SAME I WANNA KNOW TOO I’VE NEVER BEEN INVITED TO ONE

just kidding i just never want to go lol whoops

9; OUTRO: Her

Okay the piano combined with the electric keyboard is A GREAT WAY TO START YES I LOVE

THIS REMINDS ME OF BLANKET KICK (이불킥) AHHHHH

Namjoon starting this song honestly makes me so inexplicably happy, especially the “i’m looking for love” YOU GOT IT BOY WHAT DO YOU MEAN LOOKING DO I NEED TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU

Woo it’s got a repetitive melody, which occasionally changes and varies but ultimately comes back down to the main simple beat, which again, is purposeful I feel bc 1) it’s the outro 2) the focus should be on them slaying everyone 3) it’s a common feature and honestly not a bad thing, given they used it right!

HOSEOK SAYING “I CALL YOU HER, HER” CLEARED MY SKIN RAISED MY GRADES PAID OFF ALL MY DEBT AND RESURRECTED ME I’M--

there’s something about Yoongi’s rapping that’s so relaxing in this? This is something I always point out with Yoongi’s rapping in more of their relaxed songs, like the way he drawls and controls his volume is so...wow thanks for calming my soul Yoongi bless you!! It’s like he’s like describing something to the listener with vivid detail and a generous amount of enthusiasm, a very artful way of storytelling I’m in love!!

his lazy stretch of the chorus is 12/10 I’m applauding and I’m making everyone around me do the same

AAAND THAT’S IT!

I guess some of my opinions may have more detail or change completely when I look at the lyrics, considering I based this off solely what I could hear lol so trust me i’m gonna be severely shook!!!

if you read all of this thank you and ily here’s a cookie <3

[writing-away-my-sorrows]

It’s Quiet Uptown (One-Shot)

Intro - here’s a little short story i made in my free time-- its based off an au i created :>> i promise ill continue other fics!! i jjust need to make a schedule for the other ones :>> (title art by me!)

Paring - None! Clean of sin!

Words - 2,778

Triggers - Mention of death, angst.

Summary -  Ever since the death Alexander Hamilton, America and it’s members as been morning, especially his beloved son and wife. After several months of separation, they finally meet again, Philip needing to explain himself.

~Enjoy!~

Philip Hamilton took a long, shaky breath, taking in the gloomy scenerary. Tall, scrawny trees overhung the streets, struggling to hold onto it's orange-red leaves. He could hear the trees scowl as the calm breeze swept into the landscape, attempting to snatch the autumn leaves out of their grasp. The cold, ridgid sidewalk gave a somewhat unsettling clunk whenever the man rested his polished shoes against the surface. The garden that rested beside the sidewalk stretched out for miles, the flowers resting among other flowers gently. He can remember plucking one orange and whilte flower, accompanied by several smaller red flowers, and tieing them neatly into a lovely boque. He had spent the rest of his cents to get a red, silky ribbon to neatly perfect the boque, and he  made it to his mother on Valentines day. She never acknowledged the flowers and eventually returned them from the very garden he plucked them from. He kept the red ribbon on his bedroom dresser.

Just recalling the painful memory sent tears forming at the tips of his eyes, which he quickly dismissed with a wipe. Philip took another shaky breath and looked up into the sky. It was so loney after Alexander was shot. The world had paused and started to fade from it's color as it wept at the lost of a stellar man. America's tears were the rainy days trust upon them, and when our nation got angry with the killer, lighting would strike outside Philip's window and light up his entire room. Not only did America weep; his mother, Aunt Angelica and several other faces, wept at Alexander's absence.

Philip bit his tounge and slowed down, aiming to rest at a wooden bench that over looked the garden. As he looked, tears gargled up in his throat, and he couldn't brush them off. It felt horrible to have that feeling of guilt in his chest, swallowing his lungs. he had to let go. But how?

The boy cleared his throat and gave a sleek smile. He started to sing, letting his child like voice carry through the weary town. "I spend hours in the garden... I walk alone to the store. And it's quiet uptown... I never liked the quiet before."

Philip raised his head, trying to corner his tears curling in his eyes. "I take the children to church on Sunday, the sign on the cross of the door. And I pray," His voice horrible hitched, letting a tear run down his freckled cheek bone. "That never used to happen before."

He started to tap his smooth fingers against the polished wood to the beat of his singing, trying to soothe the sorrow. "If you see him in the street, walking by himself, talking to himself, have pity," He took a deep breath. "Paps, you would of liked it uptown, it's quiet uptown," He felt his voice peak at the end of that sentence, feeling the tears trailing down his neck.

"He is going through the unimaginable. His hair has grown astray, he passes everyday, they say he walks the length of the city," Philip took a breath to close his tear clogged eyelashes. "You knock me out, I fall apart-" Philip tried to sing the last lyric, but tears exploded from his eyes, heavy sobs escaping his insecure breathing. As he cried, he raised his legs to rest his feet on the bench, bringing his shaky knees close to his chest with a tight hug. He managed to mouth the words, "Can you imagine?"

He could feel his pants soaking up his salty tears, his knees quickly freezing due to the cold, dreary day. His body shaked violently, his cries eerily echoing throughout the town and returning as a creepy, high pitched wail. Philip's fingers had gone numb to the grip on his sleek fabric, and by the bitter enviroment. His face grew cold as his tears frose up his face, feeling the shivers down the tracks of his tears.

After uncountable minutes, Philip raised himself, wiping the tears from his face and raising his head. He could still see the color coated garden, but several yards ahead of him was a dark figure, turning the  corner to see his state. He automatically poped himself from his crumbled form and brushed the remaining tears from his clothes and face. He studied the dark figure, only to reckonise the dark outfit and onyx colored, silky hair to come face to face with Eliza Hamilton. Philip's throat clogged, tears walloping in his chest, ready pop like an unopened champain glass. He hadn't seen his mother in a while, eversince they parted and moved to his own apartment, which was for the better. He stared coldy into her helpless eyes, tears slipping into the corners of her eyes. God help her soul; it's hard when your own son is guily for the bullet in your husband's chest.

After a couple solid seconds, Philip stratched up the courage to clear his throat and shakily open his mouth. "Look at where we are. Look at where we started," His weak symphony traveled through the silent garden, cleanly arriving at Eliza's ears. Her expression hardened, her sad eyes morphing into a stern look, obviously knowing where this was going. Phillip bit his tounge, restraining himself from any of her displeasure of the song that he caught Eliza singing to his father at hard bumps in his life. It was a dangerous move.

"I know I don't deserve you mother, but hear me out, that would be enough," His heart skipped as Eliza's face flickered at the word of 'mother'. "If I had smiled, if I wasn't so irrational, he'd be standing here right now, and you would smile, and that would be enough," He paused to breathe. His face was already moist with tears again, the faucet running. "I don't pretend to know the challenges we're facing; I know there's no replacing what we've lost, and you need time," He paused to look at Eliza straight in the eyes, his expression softening into a warm face of plead. "But I'm not afraid; I know who my mother is. Just let me stand there by your side, and that would be enough."

Philip watched, pained as Eliza looked into Philip's milky brown eyes, tension piling in his throat. Eventually, Eliza turned and started to strode out of the way and aimed at the sidewalk behind Philip. His heart lept a yard as his eyes flickered in hope, feeling a worderful, warm sensation surging through his veins. It's been months since he's felt anything positive. Just the painful reminders of his sins.

He stumbled with his hands as he scrambled to raise from his weak position. Taking a dry sleeve, he wiped his tears and jogged to meet up with Eliza.

"Ma, wait!" He stumbled next to her goth styled mother, her black buckle dress mixing with her hair. Standing next to her forced him to look slightly down, due to his height difference. He could still remember when he was small enough to be picked up with ease and when he could gaze upon his parent's giggling faces. He would steal his father's army coats and run around, holding a banana as a pistol. He would constantly have pistol wars between his father and whenever he shot him, he would dramatically fall over and give a cheesy last words. Philip would laugh and shake him awake, which resulted in him jumping and tickling Philip til he couldn't breathe. Eliza would occasionally join in as a general, ordering Philip to stand with pride and go into battle with courage. This would result in a gang attack, both Philip and Eliza tickling Alex. His laughter rang in the back of his head at night, rattling his emotions like maracas.

Eliza looked away, but quietly said, "Your piano lessons are paying off."

Philip was struck with confusion, making him think for a couple seconds, "Oh, haha, thanks. I've been practicing."

He could see the side of her mouth curl into a warm smile, but not saying anything. Philip smiled back, keeping his eyes ahead of him on the blossoming garden sidewalk. And upon contact of the concrete, Eliza spoke again.

"You've gotten tall."

"Hah, kinda. It's mostly my shoes."

"You have flat shoes."

"With thick soles."

Silence hung between them like mistletoe on Christmas, but the couple tried to reach in but kept missing and stumbling. No one spoke to break the tension for minutes at a time. Conversation was small, going on and off at will. He deserved it; killing your father isn't exactly something you just get over with.

This went on for hours, the two Hamiltons throwing and tossing thoughts at each other, barely having a conversation per topic. They ended up walking into the park, being able to see the calm and swift beauties of the night soaking up the damp park. Each step of their feet sunk into the rich grass, making a soft crunch upon impact. Dew flung from the grass and bounced to the next tuft of grass. The soft melodies of the crickets singing their song for the whole world to hear, and awaiting their applaud. The moon was a fat crescent that night, it's bright, pear white color glimmering throughout the park, shinning on every piece of green it could reach. Stars were shattered across the sky, little specks of moon dust sprinkled across a smooth canvas. As Philip gazed at the stars, he couldn't help but to start connecting all the dots in search to find a secret image or a hidden letter. His heart shattered inside just looking at the breath taking sight, tears crawling into his eyes again. He loved the look of the galaxy when his eyes were wet, as all the lights swirled and danced with eachother, all laughing and dragging the moon into the dance floor.

Philip unconciously strode forward, gazing into the sky and expanding his hands out wide, almost if to hug the garden. "Look around, look around, Eliza!" He spun around, singing his tone in a hopeful ring, looking at Eliza with excitement.

He swallowed hard. Eliza had flinched when he refered to her as "Eliza". He had never said her name in years. He bit his tounge to relieve his embarrasment, and then turned himself to the sky. The tingle of a tear curling under his eyelids grated his nerves. He was prepared for anything she would throw at him to punish him.

"There are moments where the words don't reach," Philip jumped at the elegent voice singing, only to be hit with a needle of nostalgia, realising Eliza was singing. God, she's never sang in years.

"There's a grace to powerful to name. We push away what we can never understand; we push away the unimaginable," Philip had to remind himself to breathe. The tears trickled down his face, dripping like a faucet at his mother's singing. Her melodic voice and sweet notes she hit made him gawk, as his heart had throbbed at every word she spoke. One bullet and you loose so much, even more than you intend to loose.

His heart skipped a beat when he heard the crunches of Eliza's footsteps behind him walking forward, approcahing his left side. Eventually, he could see her figure right beside him in the corner of his eye. His head throbbed with stress as his hands started to shake. Blood pulsed through his veins as his heart tried to skip a beat. He started to bite his tounge to relieve the stress, and ignored the metal taste of blood in his mouth. He closed his eyes and took a shuddered breath, trying to contain his cool and retain the reputation he gained from Eliza the past couple hours. He tried to focus on the view but he was cut off.

A warmth graced his left hand. A soothing touch. His eyes flew to his hand, a jolt shuddering through his body. There was another hand holding his. One with a beautiful, gold wedding ring. He traced it's to connect it to Eliza. It took him a second to realize that fact, and when he did, his eyes widened and they sparkled under the moonlight. Eliza was holding his hand. After all those endless months of guilt and regret, it's just forgiven in a swift hand stroke.

"It's quiet uptown," Philip felt blessed to hear those words, being beautifully sung by his beloved mother. It struck him with pain to hear the horrible hitch in her voice, only to have a javelin stuck in his chest when she turned around. Eliza and Philip locked eyes, Eliza's face falling apart as tears were trailing down her face and dripping like a faucet. Her pale face was flushed with a deep red, her nose and ears burning up due to her tears on her cheeks. Dear god, when he saw her eyes, Philip almost forgot how to breathe because of the helplessness behind her full pupils. The moonlight reflected just right on her eyes to give a sence of innocence, but guilt simatanueasly. It's different to see your mother in tears; a woman you've lived with for years, and aquantied with love and smiles suddenly starts to cry over you.

Philip took a deep breath and moved his hands, aiming to take his mother's hands in forgiveness, but Eliza retracted her hands and turned to face Philip. She wore an expression of torn warmth, the kind of look you'd get from someone who's seen their child achieve their dreams. She drew a long, shaky breath, and finally spoke.

"I-- I'm sorry, Pip," she sputtered, her tears beating her to the race.

Tears infected Philip again, plump droplets of water failing to stay on his face. He looked down, giving a warm smile and half laugh, only stopped by the bubble of tears lodged in his throat. He looked back into Eliza's eyes and spoke.

"I'm a-also sorry... Ma," Speaking was hard when you have a walnut of guilt stuck in your throat, ready to be digested and yelled at for.

Eliza's expression softened and morphed into a more forgiving smile. "I-I'm..." She cut herself off by slowly bringing Philip into an embrace, clutching to his smooth fabric. She rested her weary head on his shoulder, feeling the damp tears soaking into his fabric. Philip was startled at first, but he slowly released and started to hug her back, giving her a kiss on her forehead before resting his head on her shoulder. He released all restrain he had on anything that moment, sickening sobs gradually acesending into muffled cries, his feeble grip tightening with every sob he let escape. He could feel Eliza's stream of tears soaking his suit, but he didn't care. Today was the day where his mother finally gave in and forgot the blood he spilt.

After a good minute or two, Philip raised his head to catch his breath, giving a shuttered gasp of air. He released one of his hands to wipe the tears off his face, feeling Eliza lift her head as well. They released their grips as they caught gaze again, taking a minute for Philip to get lost in Eliza's crystal eyes. As Eliza returned the gaze, Philip let out a nervous laugh and looked down at her small, child-like hands. Philip took Eliza's hand and wrapped his finger around her's, just like he would do when he was younger. Eliza was caught off guard a little bit, only to smile and curl her finger around his.

They stood there for several moments, lost in the moment until Philip started to walk, aiming down towards the flower bed. Eliza followed, still keeping their hands locked. They walked for several minutes til Philip gently cleared his throat and spoke the sweetest words Eliza had heard in a while.

"Mom... Do you still love me? Even after all that I did?"

Eliza was caught off guard, skipping a breath as she closed her mouth in silence. What seemed like seconds appeared like hours as she processed her reposnce. Eventually, she smiled and responded with a calm, but loving tone.

"Til the day I can kiss him again."

~Fin~

[fmrcheerios]

My dearest friend @fieldhouses​ asked me a week ago if I wanted to answer all the 60 questions. Something went wrong so I am doing it this way! Let’s do this :D

(Sorry for the late reply gurll! I totally forgot this pluss I haven’t been on Tumblr a lot lately.. so again SORRY but let’s do this!)

1. selfie (This was the last picture I took before my phone died. I was trying to laugh but actually was in pain because my phone was being an ass. So this was the best photo I took haha). 

2. what would you name your future kids? I had a name last week in my head but I totally forgot it so at the moment I would think: Lily, Feline en Stanley.  3. do you miss anyone? Yes my beloved ones, especially my parents. Excited to see them end of the month.  

4. what are you looking forward to? Ending my internship in June. 

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile? Of course that could be anyone. I laugh about everything!  6. is it hard for you to get over someone? In the past it was. Sometimes it still is harsh but I can handle it better then in the past.  7. what was your life like last year? Busy, stress, harsh but with an good ending!  8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed? Sometimes if I feel I have to cry, I try. But it never works.  9. who did you last see in person? My two friends Lindy and Linsey yesterday.  10. are you good at hiding your feelings? No. Even though I think I am but people always notice if I am hiding something.  11. are you listening to music right now? Yes. I bought some lps so I am now listening to Lionel Richie (papa mama muziek <3) 12. what is something you want right now? Sleep and stay in bed forever.  13. how do you feel right now? Kind of shitty because my phone died and I don’t have a phone at the moment. Luckily I can borrow a phone tomorrow.  14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you? Two weeks ago.  15. personality description In short: Clumsy, loves to laugh, foodlover, positive girl, a fighter and a big love for my beloved ones. 

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t? Of course.  17. opinion on insecurities. My opinion on insecurities in general? Well I think it is just something beautiful we have. It sucks but seeing the insecurities of other people gives us the strength to help each other.  18. do you miss how things were a year ago? I am missing my free public transport card that for sure. I miss the minor and being busy with music.  19. have you ever been to New York? Maybe. I remember we had a stop in America but I am not sure if it was New York. 

20. what is your favorite song at the moment? This whole week I have Disco Inferno - The Tramps in my head. Especially the intro.  21. age and birthday? 25 and my birthday is 17 September.  22. description of crush. Musician, kind, spontaneous and foodlover. 

23. fear(s) Fear of failure in life.  24. height 1.69.  25. role model My parents.  26. idol(s) My parents.  27. things i hate If people are constantly whining about everything. Or if people are being rude, disrespectful or racists.  28. i’ll love you if… You surprise me with happy things such as food, your company or just goofy stuff we both love.  29. favourite film(s) Run fatboy, run, Harry Potter, Memoirs of a Geisha, I am Sam, Intouchable, The Hangover, Coming to America, Hidden Figures and probably a lot more.  30. favourite tv show(s) BROAD CITY, Jane the virgin, Gotham, Riverdale (since a few weeks), Mom, New girl, Brooklyn- nine nine, Modern family and Friends.  31. 3 random facts 1. I bought some lps today such as Michael Jackson, Lionel Richie, Madonna and Kool and The Gang.  2. I started with running again this week.  3. I have an obsession with ginger tea lately.  32. are your friends mainly girls or guys? Girls.  33. something you want to learn Making vlogs, being an dj, singing, playing more instruments and sewing. 34. most embarrassing moment Uuh I have a lot but the thing I have to think about now is saying to a guy: ‘Hey I know you from something. Did you used to work at the Kruidvat (store I work)?’ Later on I realized he is famous because he won an dance contest on the television.  35. favourite subject Music, art, languages and gym.  36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill? 1. Driving in a van.  2. Travel the world.  3. Doing a job I love.  37. favourite actor/actress Actors: Tom Hiddleston, Chris Pratt, Morgan Freeman, Samual L. Jackson, James McCavoy, Benedict Cumberbatch and Alexander Skarsgard.   Actresses: Charlize Theron, Gina Rodrigez, Bridget Regan, Viola Holt, Meryl Streep, Melissa McCartney, Kristen Wiig, Ilana Glazer and Abbi Jacobson.  38. favourite comedian(s) Ilana Glazer, Abbi Jacobson, Melissa McCartney, Maya Rudolph, Ryan Reynolds and Chris Pratt.  39. favourite sport(s) Judo, running, soccer and basketbal.  40. favourite memory All the good ones I have with my beloved ones.  41. relationship status Not complaining and you?  42. favourite book(s) Harry Potter.  43. favourite song ever Earth Wind and Fire - September (duhhhhh <3)  44. age you get mistaken for 18, 19, 20, 21.  45. how you found out about your idol I just looked up to them and trying to be the same like them in big lines (my parents)  46. what my last text message says ‘Good luck at work tomorrow’ to a friend that also have to work tomorrow.  47. turn ons Kind, foodlover, funny and intrested.  48. turn offs All the opposites of above.  49. where i want to be right now In the rice fields or in the forest in a cozy house.  50. favourite picture of your idol The Tom Hiddleston poster I got from you @fieldhouses! haha <3 It is hanging on my door in my room.  51. starsign Ursa Major.  52. something i’m talented at Eating fast, remembering music when I am tipsy/drunk and playing the piano.  53. 5 things that make me happy 1. Food 2. Hanging out with my beloved ones 3. Dancing 4. Making music 5. Nature 54. something thats worrying me at the moment The health of my parents, the program of my study and passing my internship/study.  55. tumblr friends All the people that are following me. Much love everyone <3333 56. favourite food(s) Haaaaa... Everything but I love love love pastaaaa.  57. favourite animal(s) Tiger.  58. description of my best friend Dramaqueen, but I love that about him. 

59. why i joined tumblr My two friends @fieldhouses and @cosmoderus showed me Tumblr and asked me if I wanted to join as well.  60. ask me anything you want Go aheaddddddddd ask what you want to know about me! 

LOBBIESSSS x

[zajimachi]

I went to the last day (or experience as he called it) of Arimura Ryutaro's solo project at the Shinagawa Stellar Ball live house. I expected the live to be good: I loved the album, I kept listening to the song, I translated the lyrics ... But I didn't expect this live to have such a lasting imprint on me.

I went quite early to line before the opening of the goods. It was freezing and sometimes I even wondered if it was worth it to come that early to that live when I had already seen Ryutaro with Plastic Tree or as Neji so many times (spoilers: it was worth it). I bought the tour T-shirt, the IC card case and 5 picture sets at random (if we wanted more, we had to queue again). Miracle, I got all the 5 different sets in one go !

My serial number to get into the live house was n°705 and I was actually a bit down when I got my tickets the previous month. My numbers for the Kita Pura Yuku Pura lives at the end of 2016 weren't good either and in general, I just don't get amazing numbers for Pura. But I was able to get myself to maybe the 6th/7th row and I was wearing platforms, so I could see pretty well (I still wish I'll be able to grab a 1rst or 2nd row for a live this year).

Ryutaro started with the op, the acoustic version of his songs, not necessarily in order. He was sitting, all dressed in white, in the middle of the stage with just his guitar. He was surrounded by Ebisuwa Naoki the accordionist and Nomura Keiichiro with the piano/keyboard. Between him and the audience, there was a veil on which they projected pictures, lights and image effects for each song. Often, you could see Ryutaro through the veil when they used a certain type of light or image. It felt surreal, like you weren't totally watching music live. It sometimes looked more like theatre and poetry combined.  

Then, the second part was him, dressed as in the merchandisings with the long black vest and the heavy earings/collar, surrounded by the whole band Demonstration, themselves dressed all in black. They started with Genkeitêpu ... and woah. I rarely love intro songs, but genkeitêpu is actually one of my favourite of the album ... but in live, IN LIVE ... I already want to listen to it again and again. Ryutaro was at the piano, the whole other band started playing and the atmosphere completely changed. It was intense, beautiful and poetic. I seriously thought "I don't want this song to end" and I wouldn't be able to explain why and how.  

They did all the songs of the album in a similar arrangement than the CD and yet a tiny bit different: some sound effects here and there, an introduction slightly different and a guitar more aggressive, etc. The members (especially Hirotoshi) seemed to be thrilled to be there, and sometimes you could see them smiling to each other or mumbling the lyrics at the same time as Ryutaro was singing in the mic. It felt nice that even the support band was so into that work and was giving their best. Yet, they stayed in the back, the real star of that evening being Ryutaro.

Then, during the encore, they all came back dressed with the tour Teeshirt and played again two of the songs this time in a very rockish way. The tempo was much faster, more uptight and the whole audience was totally excited. Ryutaro has so few songs in this album, so if he wanted the live to be longer, he had to redo them. You would have thought that after the op and the actual songs, it would get boring ... But not at all. We heard three times most of them and yet I wasn't bored for the slightest. He put so much emphasis in the arrangement that the atmosphere, each time, drastically changed and you felt like you were discovering a total different tune.  

Finally, Ryutaro came back for a second and final encore. He was wearing the black vest over his Tour T-shirt. He sat down again with the accordionist and the keyboardist and they played again two of the songs in acoustic but in a totally different way from the op.

During the whole live I was overwhelmed by the lights and the scenery. The lights were choosen with such delicacy, it was incredible. Yet, the decoration was simple, it wasn't over the top and except for the lights they didn't use many effects. But, I loved it because it felt like even the simplest thing was choosen with care and thoughts. I loved when a light so bright lightened up the band to the extent you would have thought you were looking at a monochromatic picture. During the op, Ryutaro was singing while in front of him, on the veil, was pictured an enormous picture of a flower slowly withering. It was amazing. Truly, the lights were beautiful.  

Contrary to his lives as in Plastic Tree, Ryutaro didn't talk much except to thank everybody for coming to his live or to apologize for being nervous. But at the end, he looked to the V.I.P booths, joined his hands and said something like "To the three members of Pura who let me do egoistically all of this, my biggest thanks" and he lowered his head. As much as I adore Ryutaro, Plastic Tree is my first love and I love love love that band from all my heart. So, I got emotional that the band came to see him (not all bands do so), and that he took the time to acknowledge and thank them. It feels nice to have a band so close and full of love and respect.

That live is the kind of moment you can't describe with words because it's a sensory experience. The lights, the music, the drums you feel in your skin, the voice, the lyrics, the pictures, ... everything is part of the experience and it proves in such a clear way how going to a live is more than stupidly listening to music.

From time to time, I shed a tear or two, but because I was so happy to be alive, to be in Japan at the same time as Ryutaro and to be able to experience it. I kept thinking "I'm so proud of him", because the music, the lyrics and the whole aesthetic was so matured and personal and beautiful.

He said it was the last live experience of this tour, and he remembered everybody of the upcoming Spring Tour for Plastic Tree. He added that he hoped he would be able to redo such experience and hope for everybody to come see. I want to say "yes". I'm so excited for what he is goind to create.

He's such a brilliant artist.

[lostinshawnsmemory]

Chapter 3 - The Good Times: Shawn x Sienna

Word Count: 3.3k

FIC PLAYLIST

MASTERLIST

Series Masterlist

FEBRUARY 2019 - YEAR 2

SIENNA’S POV

“That sounds amazing honey.” Shawn beamed at her. Sienna rolled her eyes but couldn't help but return his smile. “You call everyone honey.”

“Do I?” he started.

She gave him a look that said, ‘You are full of shit.’ “You do. For example, when we went out for dinner last night, you called our waitress honey and she was blushing the whole time she attended to us.”

“I didn’t notice.” 

Sienna was genuinely confused by his reaction. How could he not notice? If she went on YouTube she could probably find compilation videos of him calling people honey “You’re lucky I’m not the jealous type.” She winked at him and turned back to the piano.

They were both in the studio working on a song, that he had asked for help with, that had been brewing in his head for a while.

This in and of itself was shocking, as she never thought she would end up in the studio with Shawn Mendes, but ever since that fateful night in Toronto, they had decided to move their relationship forward in a more romantic direction. However, they were both incredibly busy and it was sometimes hard to be together when the person you were in a relationship with was on the other side of the planet.

That’s why she was so excited about the concept of the song. When he told her about said concept over FaceTime she couldn’t stop smiling, her mind already swimming with potential ideas. It was as if he had taken everything she was feeling about their relationship and put it into words.

*I can’t seem to get you off my mind*

Shawn was currently in LA for a few meetings and the second he had free time, Sienna booked in some time in the studio to work on the song. She had never felt as inspired as she did now and hadn’t been this excited about working with someone in a while. There no denying that dating Shawn Mendes helped her creative process.

They’d been together for a while, (a year and four months to be exact) but they hadn’t publicly addressed the fact that they were together. And they were lucky that rumours weren’t’ circulating. It wasn’t that Sienna didn’t want people to know that her and Shawn were together, she just preferred to keep her romantic relationships close to her chest. The general public only knew about her love life after the fact, when it wasn’t open to interpretation from every Tom, Dick and Harry or in her case, millions of Shawn’s fans who get possessive whenever they saw him with a woman.

“Babe.” Shawn said snapping her back to reality. “Can you play those chords again?” She’s been mindlessly playing chords for a few minutes, and while the piano was not her instrument of choice, she loved to play it while she was writing, there was something about hearing piano notes that calmed her when she was stressed while also boosting her creativity when she was blocked.

“Sure thing.” Sienna replied playing the notes that she has been stumbling over. They didn’t mean anything, but it was obvious that Shawn had heard something that he liked because he had a glazed look in his eyes like he was present but not really there and she knew that he was thinking about the song. He was so focused on his thought process that she could almost see the cogs turning in his mind.

“That’s it!” he yelled coming up behind her. “That’s the perfect intro for the song.”

“Really?”

“It’s perfect! I may not know where else the song is going, but I know that I want that intro.” He leaned down to kiss her “I knew having you in the studio would be a fantastic idea.”

“Can you please get a room?” Teddy called from the other side of the room. Sienna met Teddy Gieger through Shawn as the two of them were frequent collaborators and great friends, but they had formed a friendship in her own right. She was awe of Teddy’s creativity and her strength and hoped deep down that they could maybe work together one day.

“How about you get out of this one?” She fired back playfully. Teddy looked at her pretending to be offended and gave her the middle finger when she turned her back. She only knew it happened because Shawn couldn’t stop giggling.  

Sienna played the chords again and Shawn picked up from where she stopped in guitar mindlessly putting lyrics together as he tried to figure out the melody.

After a few minutes he sat down clearly dissatisfied with what he had come up with and Sienna could see in his eyes that he was getting frustrated. Next thing she knew he had taken off his shirt an obvious sign that he was getting agitated and while having his muscular chest on show was nice, Shawn needed to take a break if they were going to get anywhere with the song.

“Babe.” she walked up to him and put her hands on his shoulders massaging the tension that was starting to build in his neck. She always knew exactly what he needed and vice versa. That was what made being away from him so difficult. “I can see that you’re stressed, with this song especially and you want to get it done, but I think you need to take a break.”

Shawn leaned into her touch and sighed. “Sienna, I need to get this finished, I feel like I’m missing something. I know what I want the song to be but I don’t know how to get there.” “I know.” She replied. “I’ve been there, and I know that feeling but you’ve been cooped in here focusing on one thing for too long. How about we order some food and relax.” He knew she was right, but he didn’t want to admit it.  

“Okay.” he turned to look at her. He had a dopey smile on his face, and she couldn’t help but smile back at him as she leaned down to kiss him.

An hour after they had eaten, and Teddy had left because of a prior engagement, Sienna and Shawn got back to the song.  While they were eating Shawn had said that he wanted it to be different from anything he had done prior. Sienna immediately thought a smoother track in the R&B vein was what he needed and took it upon herself to make sure that the idea came together and that Shawn was happy with the final result.

“Seeing as you like the intro so much, it would make sense to infuse it into other parts of the song, almost like it’s in the background. It makes whatever you’re listening to much softer.” Shawn nodded and dialled down the piano making the sound much softer. He hit play and ran through the song again most of the lyrics had come together except for the bridge.

As the song played through the speakers Sienna listened intently. “Stop looking at me Shawn.” She stated not bothering to even check if he was looking, she would have known he was looking. She always knew when he was looking, it was something he did a lot.

“The song still needs something. It needs that UMPH!” Shawn ran his hands through his hair and turned back to the soundboard. They had agreed to add in more bass, but Shawn was right something was still missing.

Sienna continued listening to the song snapping at random intervals and soon she had a flash of inspiration. She turned to Shawn, “Play the song from the beginning.” “Why?” He questioned not sure what she had in mind. Sienna walked into the booth and signalled for Shawn to turn up the sound for the microphone. She put on the headphones that were resting on the mic and waited. After the intro had finished she began to clap in time to the beat as she watched as Shawn’s eyes widening and smile crept on his face. By the time the empty bridge came, she started harmonising with the beat. It wasn’t something that she had planned it just felt right in the moment.

When the song ended Shawn looked at her,  a shocked look on his face. It took a few seconds but eventually, he snapped out of it and ran into the booth and swept her into his arms and spun her around the crowded booth knocking the headphones off the mic stand in the process.

He carried out of the booth and placed her in one of the chairs and turned to the soundboard where he proceeded to play the song again from the beginning and mix in the changes that Sienna had made.

The song was perfect. After hearing the opening notes that she played and her claps in the background, Sienna could not stop smiling. She turned to Shawn who was bopping his head along to the song. They had added a few more tweaks and finished the bridge, then they called over a few of Shawn’s team to listen to the song. Josiah, Shawn’s photographer was taking photos of the two of them as they danced around the studio and messed around with the equalizer making the song even more perfect.

When they had started dating, the constant sound of the camera clicking was something that Sienna was not a fan of but eventually, she grew to love having Josiah around as he was always able to capture the moment. She had countless photos of her and Shawn saved on her phone that Josiah had taken and she couldn’t wait to see the photos he had just taken.

Shawn’s manager Andrew was also in the room. He looked at the two of them with a smile on his face but there was something guarded in his eyes that Sienna couldn’t help but notice. That look didn’t settle with her, but she pushed it out of her mind and focused on her boyfriend who looked like he was on cloud 9. She understood that feeling. While she worked on her album there were numerous moments where she was incredibly frustrated but those were the songs that ended up being her favourite and she could tell that Shawn was in the exact same scenario and had come out of it with an amazing song.

“It sounds amazing.” Andrew clapped when the song ended. Josiah nodded from behind the camera and gave them both a thumbs up, the camera shutter still going off. Shawn and Sienna beamed at each other. Their first songwriting session had gone better than they had expected, and Sienna would have been lying if she said she wasn’t excited for the next one. “Now to play it for the label.”

——————————————————————————————-

“Andrew seemed to really like the song.” Sienna stated. The two were curled on the couch watching her favourite movie, Modern Times with Charlie Chaplin.

He was leaving for New York in the morning and rather than go out, they decided to spend the evening together eating takeout. It was days like today made the long distances worth it. Even though they found themselves thousands of miles away from each other, when they were together, they always enjoyed each other’s company.

“He did.” Shawn replied stroking her with the arm he had slung over the back of the couch. “You’re the reason the song works as much as it does.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I thought of the concept when I was on tour. Then we were in the studio and you came up the intro, then you worked your magic and the song is what it is now.”

“Worked my magic?” Sienna couldn’t help but smirk. “You make it sound like I went in there and did something revolutionary.”

“Trust me when I say that the song would not sound the way it does without you. You are easily one of the most talented people I have ever met and no, I’m not just saying that.” He leaned down to kiss her hair, interrupting the question that had formed on her lips.

His words touched her in a way that she’d never felt before. In that moment she believed that Shawn loved her. She wasn’t someone who needed to hear the words but hearing him compliment her work was better than hearing him say ‘I love you’ even though that was nice as well.

“That wasn’t the first song I’ve written about you” Shawn’s statement snapped her out of her reverie.

“It isn’t?”

“Babe I’ve written an album’s worth of songs about you.” He said matter of factly as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. She wasn’t surprised by the declaration.  In the time they had been together she had written countless songs about him and their relationship, some pretty vague and others extremely specific. So to hear that he had done the same meant that they were on the same page about their relationship.

“Do I get to hear them?” Sienna asked as she climbed into Shawn’s lap to straddle him.

He didn’t bother to answer her question. He gave her a wink, then he kissed her and soon enough the question was forgotten.

By the time Sienna woke up, Shawn was gone. She knew that he had to leave early to catch a mid-morning flight, but it didn’t make waking up without her boyfriend any less jarring. They’d only been able to spend a few days together and he had to be back in New York for work-related things.

To keep her mind off how much she missed him, Sienna met with one of her childhood friends Roz, for lunch to catch up. The two women were situated in an Italian restaurant on Melrose Avenue called Osteria Mama.

“The label is really happy with how the album is doing.” Sienna wiped the sauce that had gathered on the side of her mouth. Her third album had been out for a few months and was still doing very strong on the Billboard 200. “And we’ve started looking at the logistics for tour, like dates, venues and cities.”

“That amazing.” Roz replied, spooning some pasta into her mouth. “You seem so much happier with the music you’re making now.”

“I am. Everything seems to be working out perfectly.”

“And I’m sure that’s because of one Shawn Mendes.” Roz’s eye twinkled as she mentioned Shawn’s name and Sienna felt a smile form on her face. Whenever anyone mentioned Shawn, she couldn’t help the reaction.

“Maybe.”

“How is Shawn by the way?” She’d introduced him to Roz soon after they had started dating and the two had taken some time to warm to each other, but you wouldn’t have known now. Shawn had the uncanny ability to gel with almost anyone.

“Good. He was in town for a few days, but he flew back to New York last night.” She could hear the melancholy in her voice. There was no denying that she really missed him.

“He didn’t even stop by the house.” Roz said with mock disdain that caused the two of them to laugh. “Yeah well, you’re not his girlfriend last time I checked.” Sienna fired back.

After the giggling died down and Roz had taken a few sips of her wine she looked at her friend. “I still can’t believe the two of you are together.” There was a pause before Sienna gave her answer, “Neither can I.”

“And to think you didn’t like him at first.”

“That isn’t true I just didn’t know him then.” She cast her mind back to the conversation she’d had with Shawn in El Paso when he’d her why he didn’t like him. After that conversation, she told him to show her more of his personality and that was exactly what he did. She found out that he was a lot funnier than she had ever given him credit for, and because of that their friendship had grown into what it was today.

“And what about now?” Roz’s words made her think about how she felt about Shawn. She’d told him that she loved him, and she meant it, but it seemed like her love for him grew with each passing day.  “Now? I really like him.”

“I’m sensing the word like should be replaced with the words love.” Her words were accompanied with a knowing wink.  “I love him. I love him a lot.” The admission didn’t surprise anyone, least of all her best friend. “Please, a blind person could see how much the two of you love each other.”

After lunch, Sienna was mindlessly scrolling through Instagram answering comments and DM’s from fans when she got a notification that Shawn had posted an Instagram story, she tapped on it quickly and waited for it to load. He was sitting in front of a window with his guitar and he smiled into the camera as he sang her favourite song.

*Smile though your heart is aching, smile even though it’s breaking.  When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by...*

She had fond memories of that song. Her grandfather used to play it for her when she was upset and they would dance around the living room swaying from side to side, but ever since he died, moments like that were few and far between.

*You’ll find that life is still worthwhile if you just smile.”

When the song ended, he winked into the camera and stopped recording. Her eyes filled with tears as she watched the video over and over again. His voice was smooth and was filled with emotion. He didn’t have to say anything, she knew that he was signing to her.

She decided to send him a reply by posting a simple message on her story, it read –

“Let’s get lost tonight.”

SHAWN’S POV

Shawn was sitting with Andrew in the lobby of the Republic Record main office in New York feeling incredibly nervous. He’d sent the song over to their execs and they told him to come in so they could discuss the next move, luckily for him he was already in New York for something else, so he had no excuse but to come in.

“Dude you need to calm down, the song works.” Andrew called to him from where he was sitting. “I don’t think the nervous feeling will ever go away. I feel like I’m 14 again every time I come in here.”

“Yeah, but this time you’re not here trying to prove why they should sign you.” Andrew sounded calm and confident which helped him relax a little, but the anxious feeling never went away. This song was a stark departure from the music he was making previously, and he was worried that it would sound like he trying too hard. However, Sienna was happy with the song and her seal of approval meant more than anyone, so he focused on that as the receptionist told him that they were ready for him in the board room.

After the meeting Shawn felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. The execs loved the song and they’d decided that he would release the song as soon as possible. While the logistics were being sorted out his mind wandered back to his girlfriend in LA. Seeing her work was incredible, she wasn’t wearing her sunglasses and had her hair in a bun, she looked nothing like the Sienna he had met but she was easily the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her creative energy was unapparelled and without her, the song wouldn’t exist. 

Shawn thought about how much he loved and appreciated her so much so that he decided to send her a message where he knew she would see it.

He got back to his hotel and set up his phone and opened the Instagram app where he proceeded to sing her favourite song,

*Smile though your heart is aching…*

@justbeingoceana , @speakingofmari ,@sinplisticshawn , @mani-lifes , @thotmendes, @rulerofnocountry , @bugheadfanatic , @shawnssnack​, @sean-mendezzzzz , @dazedshawnm , @dimestorebieber22​ , @anxious-bi-bb , @lxvegxlore​ @kyloreins​, @andibecamethestars​, @feliciaceciliamariajacobsson​

[furederiko]

After a brief detour through Shanghai, London, and Berlin, it's time to land on Dai Teikoku Gekijou once again. The stage is set for our main cast to take the spotlight! Furthermore, these 5 songs (Track 7 to 11), are representative of each character's personality, traits, or even backstory (so... SPOILER alert?). Basically, the meat of this album. You'll likely hear these tunes in full once you've successfully secured their solo endings, right? And throughout, the BGM version usually accompanies them during the playthrough. Let the song show begins!

Otome Nandesu yo (I'm a Maiden) by. Sakura Amamiya (Ayane Sakura)

First on the lineup, is the leading lady herself, Sakura. And, I'm not sure how to put it, but from a purely subjective viewpoint, it's my LEAST favorite of this set. Elise left a big shoe to fill following her one-woman Opera. And Sakura just couldn't keep it together, that we had to step down into an idol-mode or some sort. Sorry, no offense to idol fans out there! Different people, different tastes, and my idol phase had gone over the rainbow. If I have to be honest, I only heard the short MV I posted above (first one released) only a few times, before forgetting about it completely. I can't really understand why. Perhaps, it sounded generic? Sakura Shinguuji's image songs weren't a stand out in "Sakura Taisen" and "Sakura Taisen 2" either. Nevertheless, I enjoyed both "Sakura" and "Haru ga Kuru". I have even recorded my own covers for those two songs! They told the tale of naivety and sincerity, of a country girl who went to the big city and burdened with the fate to be a hero. Comparing those to New Sakura's solo is unnecessarily unfair, but it also can't be helped. What is the message of this song? It's about a girl who reunites with her childhood friend (Captain Seijuurou, who else). But she's no longer fond of the idea of him seeing her as a younger sister figure. But she couldn't say it, because *drumrolls*, she's now a maiden. My memory is fuzzy, but I believe Kouhei Tanaka-sensei had already confirmed that this is, in fact, an "Imouto" song. Hence the reason why my interest is not that high. Fortunately, the song took a delightful tone the moment that harmonica came along (which was after the first chorus, on the 1:30 mark). I actually DID enjoy it more because of it. I also liked the bridge part, and how the final result sounded less like a pop song. But that final line? Why did it feel needy and/or desperate? *sigh* Oh well, at least Sakura already did wonders with "Shin GEKITEI". I admit Part 3 doesn't really start off on the right foot. But worry not! It definitely gets better...

Onna!! Matsuri no Kokoro Iki (Woman!! The Spirit of the Festival) by. Hatsuho Shinonome (Maaya Uchida)

Time to get fired up again! And seriously, I dare you not to shake your body or smile as soon as this song begins. Because you certainly would! On a glance, this sounded and showed the traces of being the Kanna Kirishima's style of the new generation. But with one obvious twist: It's... AWESOME!!! Kanna is a good character, but her solo numbers rarely appealed to my taste. Suffice to say, this song took the best parts of her numbers and blended it into one spot. I've always loved this song ever since the MV came out. And this full, almost-5-minutes, version with extra arrangements just sounded... MINDBLOWING. One would argue that a bulk of this song was instrumental, with Maaya Uchida as the Matsuri's (Festival) Miko shouting her commanding cues. That is undeniably true. But listen closely, and you'll get why I or anyone would dig this. If you have been keeping up with me, you'll know that traditional tunes from various countries fascinate me. So it should come natural that I'm a sucker to festival songs like this. Especially with that mix of heavy metal rock guitar building up towards the dynamic duo of the energizing Taiko beat and an iconic whistling of Shakuhachi that added the authenticity of things. Wagakki Band, anyone? Aaaaaahhhhh... and Kouhei-sensei just HAD to slip in that speedy CRAZY-sounding piano bit! *applause* Just like Lancelot's song, this made me feel like I was being transported to Tokyo or Kyoto, attending and witnessing an actual Summer celebration. Uchida, a good singer, didn't perform this in her smooth vocal style. But she shouldn't! This is something you sing at ease while plainly having fun. Being all out and letting loose is basically the key! For the first time in Sakura Taisen's music history, I've bumped into a song that I simply don't want to sing along. Instead, I would DIE for the chance to participate in that Taiko play. Oh my, I need to see this in a live performance. You TOTALLY need to hear this! And dance along if you will... PS: If there's any gripe about this, it's when Hatsuho and the background voices are yelling "Oisa!" (literally means "Hey!"?). It tends to sound "Oisa, Osa, Usa, USO, USO, USO!". "Uso" means "Lies", and ends up giving it a misogynist feel by accident. The message of this song is that a woman is the spirit of the festival. Girl power! Feminism! But then there's these choir of ALL MALE that seemingly shouts "Lies, Lies, Lies!". That's pretty contradictory, eh? I know I'm totally making too much of a big deal out of this, but it honestly bugs me out...

Ninja Azami (Azami the Ninja) by. Azami Mochizuki (Hibiku Yamamura)

We haven't left Japan, as indicated by another tune of Shakuhachi and Koto, preparing us for the next performer. It's a familiar tune that many have heard in "Naruto", "Ninpuu Sentai Hurricaneger", or other feudal Japan-themed series. And the title had already said it all. This is the biographical description of Azami, as Shin Hanagumi's resident ninja-in-training. But as soon as it entered the verse (as you could hear in the MV), the sensation changed pretty significantly. No longer a serious Shinobi song, it morphed into the franchise's usual playful little girl song. Yes, even though Azami is technically older than Iris Chateaubriand, Coquelicot or Rikaritta Aries! She mentioned her hobby on practicing the various ninja scrolls, and even her love to eat snacks like Manjuu during breaks. Yare yare... With just 3:28 minutes, this is the second shortest song after "Shin GEKITEI". Obviously, the tempo does play a role in that. Hibiku Yamamura is a Sakura Taisen fan, yet she had the shortest solo number in the album. Somewhat ironic, isn't it? Nonetheless, she did a fantastic job. In fact, her unique voice remains consistent throughout the album, and that's worthy to be praised. I liked the traditional Japanese feel in this, but it also had too many speaking lines for my taste. Still, I'll gladly take this bouncy and head-bopping fun tune over Sakura's anytime. PS: Both Yamamura and Ana's VA made guests appearances more than once during the monthly Teigeki Report, which apparently will still going next year (probably until the TV series airs?). So you can hear them sharing personal experiences and stories on those videos. It's insightful, that's for sure!

Kaereru Basho (A Place to Return to) by. Anastasia Palma (Ayaka Fukuhara)

Goodness! I've been itching to arrive to this song. A good song is one that tells a story. Just like the previous songs, this one does the same, but with a deeper meaning and values. Ana is most definitely the "sexy Onee-san" archetype of this game, complete with having a curvaceous figure (reminds me of Rangiku in "BLEACH", wait a sec...). But personality-wise, the Greek lady gave off this mysterious, unpredictable vibe. She's like a mix of mature Maria Tachibana, with a vibe of Glycine Bleumer and Soletta Orihime's European presence, but with a cloudy past of Hanabi Kitaouji, and the hidden sides of Reni Milchstrasse or Subaru Kujou. If I had to describe it in one word, she's puzzling. However, there's one trait that she's been constantly identified with: she's an actress. It thoroughly commanded the message of the lyrics. But I digress. Was the whole song really all about Ana's passion for acting? There seemed to be more than meet the eye. From what I gather, there's an underlying hint of a journey of sadness, past events or eras that had emerged and faded, beloved people that had come and gone. In short, she basically acted her way through the ups and downs of her life. A coping mechanism, perhaps? Laughing away loneliness, a facade of her true emotions. And what did she mean by "A Place to Return to"? Was it the stage, or acting, or just like many of previous Sakura Taisen's heroine: someone to go home to? Or someone who can finally discover and understand her real self? I need to either play the game or watch the TV series to confirm that. Now that I'm older (and wiser? Naaaah), this is my idea of a good song. It asks you to listen, pay attention, and also feel challenged to try to figure it out. This was the longest Shin Hanagumi and solo song of the album. You'll understand why it needed to be that long to be good. The moment that alluring piano intro kicked in, and the violin started to seep in, it's classy and elegant as hell. Ayaka Fukuhara stated that this was a challenge to sing, and indeed it is. It should be. Even though the vocal range wasn't as demanding as Elise's opera, the pitch work was exceptional! She gradually went from a lower tone to higher and higher. It sounded like the aura of the room changed every time another verse began (due to the modulation, as well as the flow of passion and emotions), seemingly depicting Ana's many masks. And those sharp notes? Oh my, oh my, OH MY!!! No wonder Subaru's VA, Mie Sonozaki (who is a prolific singer herself) congratulated Fukuhara on doing such a fine job. This is another highlight of the album for me and my favorite Shin Hanagumi character song by far. Now, where can I get the off-vocal version? Because I totally want to try singing this song... PS: Similar to Elise, voice-wise, Ana is one of my favorites due to her range and distinct pronunciation style. She can go mezzo-soprano and heavy, but also high and soprano. I strongly enjoyed that versatility is utilized wonderfully in this song.

Rondo (Round Dance) by. Clarissa Snowflake (Saori Hayami)

You're watching a European-based fairy tale romance. What happens at the end, when the one true love has been found and all evil that stands in the way has perished? They hold a gala, where everyone waltzes into a happily ever after... That is the core of this whole song, a composition that Kouhei-sensei described it as feeling "like a movie". As a character, Claris fancies herself reading books (nerd alert! Hahaha), and I think many of her scenes in the game takes place in the library. But she also writes stories and loves to fantasize about a paradise filled with mermaids and magical elements. Perhaps because she alone wields a magic book. And her dream is to dance with someone while surrounded by those things. Those are the essence of the simple but poetic lyrics. I admit, when I first heard it, I was taken aback by the decision to putting this track as the final Hanagumi song. But now it makes perfect sense. It easily serves as a calm and astonishingly perfect capper to a series of solo songs, a grand celebration to conclude a colorful parade. My knowledge of reed or woodwind instruments is poor, so I couldn't tell if it was an Ocarina or another type that played in the intro. I'm not sure if that's native to Luxembourg too. One thing for sure, the medieval melody would naturally pierce through your soul, until that graceful combo of Lute or acoustic guitar (again, sorry if I'm bad at names) and harp soothed you into a more familiar space. Then suddenly, the song changed tone halfway through and turned into full folk song mode. Yes, the Kouhei-sensei style I told you before. Someone on Youtube mentioned that this reminded him/her of Disney's "Tangled". Well, I can attest that the catchy interlude was very true to that notion. To think that this song arrived while "Frozen 2" is still playing. Such a great coincidence! Saori Hayami is a great singer, known for her gorgeous legato siren-like vocals. Just like Ana (oh hey, fellow non-Japanese Shin Hanagumi), I'm beyond happy that this song fully made use of her unique charm. Especially once it got into that royal ballroom dance chorus, reminiscent of Orihime's image song. It didn't take long for me to imagine Claris as the protagonist, dancing with her prince (or princess, if that's her thing. Right, Hallmark?) in a grand finale of her fictional story. Speaking of which, I'm still confused as to why Hayami's name is always placed at the end. Even though the promotions clearly showed that Claris is one of the first members of the team. Could it be that she's a "special cast member" type, like in Hollywood movies? That would make sense... Another highlight of the album, another personal favorite (that I've been humming and singing unconsciously on repeat), this clocked as the second-longest solo of the album. But just like the previous number, I doubt anyone would complain. You only need to close your eyes and just start swaying left to right, back, and front. Take your beloved person's hand, embrace him/her tightly, and just follow the musical flow. Dance the day or night away, with much joy and passion! PS: The official MV wrote the title as "RONDE". I still go with "RONDO" because pretty sure that's a typo, considering even the French (one of Luxembourg's official language) equivalent is "RONDEAU". Rondo itself is a musical form that refers to a theme that keeps coming back around. But in Japanese, the kanji can also be read as "RINBU" which means "Round Dance".

Next: the final part of the review, featuring voices old and new, and my overall impression...

Video is available on SEGA Official Youtube Channel. "Shin Sakura Taisen" is produced by SEGA, and RED Entertainment. Credits and copyrights belong to their respective owners.