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im-hqlover · 5 years ago

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Arranged marriage/Royal AU - Chapter 3 - The next day.

A/n - And here's another chapter from one of the fanfics that I'm most loving to write, and I hope you are also enjoying it =)

Enjoy!

(none of the images used on the aesthetic belong to me, credit to their creators)

Warnings: arranged marriage, maybe some bad words, sex mentions, anguish, fight, war mentions, maybe discomfort?, cry (Idk if it is necessary, but I will put anyway), maybe english errors/mistakes. (I hope I haven't forgotten anything)

important details to mention:

-This is kind of a Royal AU, but time kinda mixes with middle Ages and current time, so some technologies exist and others don’t, it’s kind of confusing, maybe, but I hope this isn’t a big problem.

-The reader is 20 years old, Jason is 22 y/o

-The reader is female.

Pairings: Jason Todd x reader

Y/n = your name

F/c = Favourite cake

F/fd = Favourite food

Words count: 6013

Previous chapters: Chapter one, Chapter Two, Chapter two's Alternative ending

Next chapters: coming soon

Tag list: @sarcasmismyfirstlove

Y/N's INFO:

Gender: Cis-Female

Sexuality: Straight

Height: Shorter than Jason

Weight: Not Defined

Skin Color: Not Defined

Hair Color: Not Defined

Eyes Color: Not Defined

Other details? Y/n is myopic

(I hope I have put all the information, let me know if i forgot something)

The sun's rays from a beautiful autumn day filled the bedroom, leaving it fully lit, everything was at peace, and I was still sleepy, so I just try to sleep again, but my sleeping plans went down the drain when a bird appears and decides to sing right on the windowsill, I take a deep breath placing the pillow in my face to drown out the sound of singing, but it was useless, did that damn bird follow me from my kingdom to here, only to disturb my sleep?

I take a deep breath, giving up trying to sleep, I remove the pillow and look at the ceiling for a while, the moment I woke up I found that place strange, and I wondered where I was, until I remember the wedding and everything, and of course, remembering that didn't improve my day, in fact I seemed to have forgotten Jason's little gentle acts and only my anger remained, anger at my parents, anger at having married a stranger who killed people, anger at me. I was clearly not in a good mood, and I found it very difficult for that to change, although it could have been simply a dream, or rather a nightmare.

When I looked to my side to see my husband, he wasn't there, and then it crossed my mind what did he think of me, was the anger reciprocal? I thought so. I got up from the bed and sat down, I looked at the clock there and realized it was almost 10:00 am, I wonder why I managed to sleep for so long and didn't wake up when Jason got up… in fact, I’m not surprised, I was dying of tiredness yesterday/today's dawn, so I think it’s natural that I’ve slept for so long.

I go to the bathroom, wash my face, comb my hair that was a mess and do my other needs, when I left I thought about what I would do at that moment, until my belly growled and thought it would be better to find something to eat, but not before changing those clothes, I didn't really want people to see me like that, but there was a little problem, in fact two, I had no idea where my room was located neither the kitchen.

I tried to remember the path that that sir had taken until we got here, but I couldn't remember, because at that moment I was so nervous about what was about to happen that I completely ignored how I got there.

As I didn't want to be bothering other people and wanting to do things a little by myself, I decide that maybe by exploring the castle somehow I could find the kitchen or my room, but guess what? I was wrong. I walked through so many corridors, but nothing there seemed to be near the kitchen or my room, that castle was a complete maze and I thought I would need a map to be able to locate myself there. And I take a deep breath when I arrive in a dead-end corridor, turn around and end up getting scared because not far behind me there was a boy with maybe 10 or so, he had black hair as dark as coal, there were emerald green eyes, and he had his arms crossed for me.

- Huh, hi - I say awkwardly and soon I feel my face heat up when I realize that that boy was seeing me in those clothes.

- Hello Sleeping Beauty, you look lost. - He said with a serious face, I vaguely remembered him as being one of Jason's younger brothers, but I couldn't remember his name... maybe it had D? I had no idea.

- Huh, well, I was exploring the castle to get to know a little. - I rub my hand on my arm nervously.

- It seems to me that you are looking for something, not "exploring".

- Huh... well, maybe... I was looking for the kitchen. - I look away from him and he ends up laughing. - What's it?

- You'll never get there like that, the kitchen is practically on the other side of the castle.

- And… by any chance… did you take me there? - He sighs not seeming to want to do that much.

- Just this once. - He says with a tone not too friendly to be honest, he turns and starts walking, and I follow him.

He really wasn't kidding when he said the kitchen was on the other side of the castle, I don't know how long it took to get there, but I can say that it was a long way to go, as we get closer I can smell food in the air, maybe they were already preparing lunch, when we got the boy to stop and say.

- Is here. - He spoke and started to leave before I could even thank him.

- Thank you. - I thank him in the same way, but I didn't know if he heard me, I knock on the door and it doesn't take long for one of the tall and thin cooks, perhaps an apprentice for his age, would answer the door.

- P-princess y/n - He bowed when he realized it was me who was at the door, I just give a small shyly nod in response.

- Huh, could I come in by any chance? I would like to eat something if it were possible. - He nodded quickly several times and allowed me to enter the kitchen.

- W-what would yo-you like to eat your highness?

- Please just call me y/n, huh, sorry, but what's your name?

- J-Jeremy.

- Nice to meet you Jeremy. - I say to him smiling until an older woman, maybe 50 years old because of her gray hair, she approaches us with a wooden spoon and stares deathly at the youngest.

- What are you doing bothering the princess, Jeremy? And why is she here? - She said while pointing the wooden spoon at me. My impression is that the woman wasn't very friendly, especially when it came to strangers in her kitchen. The woman wearing chef's clothes looks at my clothes with a disapproving look.

- Huh, it's just... I was hungry and I thought if I could get something to eat here, it doesn't have to be fancy or anything, I'm happy if I can just eat a piece of cake with coffee. - Her expression seemed to have softened slightly, but her face was still not very friendly. - If it doesn't ask for much, of course, otherwise I can wait until lunch is ready.

- Jeremy! Get what your highness wants, immediately! - The lady said while pointing the wooden spoon again at the boy who quickly nodded in agreement.

- Y-yes, ma'am.

The lady soon asked if I would like to go to the royal dinner table, but I refused and said that I could eat right there if I didn't bother, she seems to have found this strange, but she didn't disagree and let me stay there, I soon found out that her name was Constance.

It didn't take long for Jeremy to come back with a plate with f/c and a cup of coffee, Constance said that I could sit at the staff table so that I didn't have to eat standing up, I agreed and sat there. When I finished eating I thanked them both and went out to the kitchen, now the new challenge, find my room, but this time, not to waste time I asked one of the servants who passed me, and she said she unfortunately didn’t know but that I was supposed to wait there and she would call someone who knew, and in little time the same man who guided me to Jason's bedroom came and guided me to my room.

- Huh, I don't want to disturb you, but could I know your name? - I say to break the silence while we walk.

- Alfred Pennyworth, your highness. - He replied gently and calmly.

- Please, call me y/n. - He turned to me briefly with a questioning look.

- Why?

- I just prefer to be called by my name only. - I shrug.

- I must excuse you princess, but I think that will be a difficult task for me, calling a noble without their title seems wrong to me. - Well, I kind of expected this, many said the same thing, and even if they didn’t say it out loud I had the feeling that they thought that, everyone was taught to refer to each other, mainly for nobles, as a form of respect, but I hated it, it was like people could be superior to each other just because of a damn title, and that's why I always say it's just to call me by my name, but I know that didn’t change things, since everyone always kept calling me princess or your highness, or something like that, but I don’t blame them.

- It's okay, I understand. - I look at the corridors we were passing through, in many of them there were several pictures of different things, from important people to things like a landscape, in addition to the corridors having giant windows to which they had equally large curtains to which they were in a way so that the sun could enter and illuminate the place. I didn't even notice when we got to my room, and I could see that there was a movement there.

- What is happening? - I tell Alfred who turns to me.

- They are taking your belongings to Prince Jason's room, since you will share it from now on. - I smile a little sad, my plans to avoid my husband were going down the drain, because now I would literally have to share the same room with him.

- Are you all right, your highness? - I look at Alfred and shake my head negatively.

- N-no, everything is fine. - He didn't seem to believe my answer, but said nothing more.

- I have other commitments at the moment your highness, so I have to leave you alone at the moment. - I nod and he makes a little bow.

- Thank you, Sir Alfred.

- You’re welcome, y/n. - I give him a small smile and he returns, and then leaves there.

I look at the servants there and tell them if they could wait a little while to take everything because I would like to change my clothes, they agree and leave me alone in the room. I look in the suitcases and choose torn jeans and a black short-sleeved shirt to dress, in addition to my underwear and sneakers of course, I take the clothes to the bathroom and a bath towel too, I take a long shower, after getting dressed I dry my hair with the towel and comb them, and decided that I wouldn't use the dryer and let the hair dry naturally.

Upon leaving my room the servants were waiting in the corridor to be able to continue their work, for a moment they look at me but for some reason they start to look away, which intrigued me, but I try to ignore that fact.

Walking down some corridors I reach the main stairway which I descend, reaching the great entrance hall.

- Y/n! - I hear my mother's voice coming back from me, and then I turn to see her, my father, my brother and some other nobles that I recognized to be some of our allies. - I finally found you, why didn't you show up for breakfast?

- I, huh ... I was very tired because of the night, you know. - I say looking away, maybe she believed that I and Jason did that, because in no way I wanted her to find out we didn't do that, she nods in agreement.

- And what clothes are these? You are no longer at home, daughter, you have to wear appropriate clothes. - She scolded me while trying to be "kind", when I knew she wanted to yell at me for wearing those clothes, but of course she wouldn't argue with me, not in front of the other nobles.

- When I went to my room they were already carrying my bags, those were the only clothes I could find. - Of course it was a lie, there were other clothes and others more "appropriate" as she said, but I decided to wear that outfit because I liked to dress like this, and she knew very well that it was a lie, but because we were in front of others nobles she just scowled at me.

- So it's better to change your clothes as soon as possible. - I cross my arms so that she sees that I refused to do this, as she didn't want to freak out in front of everyone she just changed the subject. - Lunch will soon be ready, join us and let's go to the dining room.

Well, it's not like I have a choice to refuse, but I also knew what time or other I would have to go to lunch, so it was better to follow them than to be lost again, so I say yes quietly and start following them in silence, while they talked about political things.

It didn't take long before we got to the big dining room, with a giant table made of some very expensive and chic wood, when we arrived we were the first to be there besides the employees who was preparing the table, and they indicated the places where we should sit, I sit in my designated chair and my mother sits on my left side, while on the right side there is a chair which I already had a brief guess of who would sit there.

At the end of the table which was closest to me was a chair that stood out from the others, and I assumed it was King Bruce who would sit there, on the sides of the table, next to me and the different chair there were five other normal chairs but these were empty, three on the side opposite me and two on my side, and I soon thought it would be the chairs for each of the princes.

My assumptions didn't take long to materialize, because soon the king along with the five princes came to the table while laughing at something. They all wore casual clothes but appropriate for a prince, their clothes were almost identical, white flax shirts, vests made of leather or some similar material, black pants that stayed inside his boots of practically the same color, and of course, there was a belt that served to hold their sword, the only thing that differed in their clothes was the size and colors of their vests, the oldest of the five wore a bluish vest, Jason’s was dark red that looked like it was blood, the boy who thought he was the third oldest wore a red vest too, but besides being a lighter red his vest had some golden details, the fourth wore a golden yellow vest with black details, and the last and youngest of them all, who was the same boy he had met this morning, wore an emerald green vest, and of course, the king dressed in the same way as his sons, his vest being black.

They all stopped laughing when they noticed the presence of other people there, and soon took their seats in silence, the king sitting on the end, the oldest sitting next to the king and Jason, who had sat next to me, the other three sat on the other side, and the youngest sat next to the king, the third oldest sitting next to him, and the other who wore the yellow vest sitting in front of me.

For a moment the place was in an awkward silence, until little by little the conversations were resumed, other people also appeared, both noble allies of my kingdom and Gotham's allies. After a while the employees finally bring the food to the table. My mother nudges me with her elbow and whispers to me "look at the posture", I immediately straightened up in my chair with the right posture, I kept watching all the food there, and I must say, none really made me want to eat because they were all those fancy, expensive and extravagant foods that I wasn't a fan of, I just stand there, watching the food and my empty plate, making no move to get anything to eat.

- Aren't you going to eat daughter? - My mom asks me while pointing to my empty plate.

- I'm not hungry. - I say in a low voice and still looking at my plate.

- You need to eat something, you didn't even have breakfast. - I look at my mother, but just shake my head negatively, I look at my plate for a while longer, until I get up from my chair, catching the attention of everyone present.

- Where are you going? - My mom asked, but I didn't answer her, and I just left the room and walking around the castle, I just wanted to get out of there, no matter where, just anywhere.

I didn't even look at where I was going, I just know that when I realized I was passing through the warriors' training yard and not far from there I ended up in the stables, where there were several horses, all of them very tall and ready for battle, I looked at them in awe, I loved horses so much, but it had been so long since I had galloped in one, I was a little afraid to get too close to them, because being someone they didn’t know they could very well end up attacking me, I walked slowly in the corridor, watching each horse, until I stopped in front of one that caught my attention, unlike the others he wasn't so tall, and his body was more rounded, and his legs were thicker and stronger than the others. But there was something different about him, not just his structure, but he looked at me differently, which through his eyes even looked like he was talking to me, I didn’t even notice when I approached him until I was stroking his muzzle, it was so cute.

- Hey! Caution! - I turn scared in the direction of the unknown voice and see that it was a boy who had called me, he should be the same age as me, or more or less close, he wasn't very tall as the other men here, he had tanned skin and dark brown hair. He approached me, and he didn't look very happy, in fact he looked like a mixture of anger and fear. - This horse is treacherous, it isn't good to be on his side.

- Are you sure? He looks so tame. - I say while looking at the short, golden colored horse with white details.

- Yes, I'm sure, I am the caretaker of all these horses and this is the most problematic, and I say, it is better to get away. - He spoke stiffly, I look at him and then at the horse.

- By the way, why are you here? I'm pretty sure you aren't allowed to be here.

- I-I was just exploring the castle, and when I realized I got here, and I couldn't help myself and see the horses. - I say looking away. - I thought I could see them.

The horse caretaker didn't seem to know exactly what to say, he sighs and speaks.

- As long as you're careful, I think it's okay to see them. - I smile happily, finally someone wouldn't stop me from doing something. - I really need to get some things and then take care of one of the injured horses, just don't get hurt while I'm out.

He warn me while walking away from me, I nodded and said I would be careful, and so he left the stable. I approach that short horse again and pet him, I didn’t understand, he didn’t look bad, I look in his stall and notice that he has a small gold plate with a name carved in it, "Apollo".

- I don't think you're that bad Apollo. - I say as I continued to pet him.

An idea came to mind, I look around and realize that there was no one there besides me and the other horses, I smile at Apollo and say.

- I think you don't like it here much, do you?

He shakes his head to affirm my question, I look around the stable and see some saddles and reins, I take Apollo out of his stall and I take it close to where the items were, and soon I put all the items in him, before mounting Apollo I stand in front of him and say looking into your eyes.

- I don't know how we will get out of here, but I know that together we will be able to get out in a way.

His eyes seemed to say: "I know a way", I smile at him, open the door that was closed in the stable and realize that there it goes out into an open field where I supposed the horses to graze, I ride in Apollo and without delay he start walking towards exit. I looked around the field, I knew that that field would at some point be a limit for the horses not to leave.

- So, do you know a way to get out of here buddy? - He turns his head to me and neighs, his eyes say it is for me to leave it up to him.

- Then move on. - I talk to him, allowing him to start walking, I held the reins tighter when he started walking much faster. I just hope that after so long I still know how to ride a horse.

We both walked through the open field, Apollo seemed to know very well what he was doing, but it didn't take long for a problem to arise, there was a wall which prevented the horses from escaping, it was not so high, but I found it impossible to get past it, and I started to worry when the horse didn’t stop its pace.

- Apollo, what are you doing? - I tried to make him stop using the reins but it didn't work, what was I doing now?

It was then that Apollo went towards a rock that was there, he increased his speed even more and used that stone as a support to jump over the wall. I was unresponsive, I swore I was going to die at that moment, either from a heart attack or falling off the horse. I was paralyzed, and I was not released from this trance state until Apollo stopped and neighed at me.

- You could have warned me earlier! - I say to him and he just looked at me saying: "I'm just a horse, how was I going to warn you?"

I take a deep breath trying to calm myself down again, it was all crazy. Then I pressed Apollo's flanks to make him walk, I knew I would have to get out of there before the guards came after me.

Apollo trotted for a while, until I could hear the sound of the nearest sea, so I directed him until we reached the beach, I was enjoying the scenery for a while until I got off the horse.

Unlike most of the beaches I had already seen, a part of the beach was rocky, and the part that had sand wasn't that big. I watched it for several minutes, and even though I wasn't holding or riding Apollo, he didn't seem to want to leave my side.

I took a deep breath, letting the scent of the sea enter my nostrils and the icy wind ruffle my hair. I looked towards where the castle was supposed to be, and then I looked at the sea, and then at the woods behind me, I had a chance to escape with Apollo, but I knew that even if I did it, at some point someone would find me again, and worse, the war, the only thing that kept me from running away was this damn war, I knew everything would come back again, and knowing that it would happen and because of me, it made me very bad, I didn't want innocent people to die for my recklessness.

It might not have been a long time of freedom, but just riding and being there on the beach had already made me a little happier. I turn to Apollo and tell him.

- It's time to go back.

He turned his head immediately surprised by this, and he seemed to say, "but you said that we would run away!"

- I-I know what I said, but... but if I really do that, very bad things are going to happen because of me. But you can be free Apollo, there is no one who can stop you now. - I pet him and when I would take his halter off he turns his face.

- Hey! I just want to take this away from you, so you can be free! Isn't that what you want? - He shakes his head negatively, and I am confused, he approaches me and puts his head on my shoulder.

- Do you... want to stay with me? - I say as I walk away and look into his black eyes and pet his head, he seemed to say yes. I smile at him.

- Okay, so let's go back to the castle, but this time, without crazy jumps it looks like I'm going to die halfway.

He neighed and I think I should think of it as a laugh. Apollo then takes me towards the castle again, but then I guide him to the entrance, because I knew we had no way to get back the same way we left, and even though I knew that my parents would find me sooner to scold me, I knew it would happen sooner or later, so the sooner the better.

As we approach the big gate I soon hear a guard shout from above the walls: "PRINCESS Y/N! SHE'S BACK! PRINCESS Y / N IS BACK!"

It didn't take long for the gates to be opened for me to cross and I also saw that people started to leave the castle and they went to meet me, and of course one of the first to approach was my mother with her face of anger and disappointment.

- What were you thinking y/n?

- Riding a horse? - I speak pointing to the horse.

- Enough of your jokes y/n, you know very well what you did. - I look at her angrily too, I thought for a few seconds until I told her.

- Yeah, I know. And?

Her anger was so great that I could see that tears started to form in her eyes.

- Do you want to ruin everything? Do you want the war to return? This is what you want?

- If I wanted that I would have done a lot worse, by the way, I didn't run away, I'm here, am I not? What's more, what are you going to do about it? punish me putting me in my room?

My mother was quiet for a while, the other people who were there were also quiet, just watching the circus catch on fire.

- What did I do wrong for you to become that way? - She asks as tears fall, even after everything, she was still my mother, and I won't lie, knowing that I hurt her, hurted me, but when she hurt me before, she didn't seem to care.

- Want me to make you a list? - I say with anger still running through my veins, even if she was my mother, it does not undo the things she did.

She just looked at me with sadness and anger, and left, other people looked at me with disapproval, and I just ignored them and took Apollo towards the stable, I knew the stable/training area should have a path that connected with the castle entrance, so it wasn't too difficult to find the location.

Unlike before, there were almost no horses in the stable, and I also saw no sign on the caretaker, I leave Apollo and take him to his place again, I remove all his equipment and put it in place, I give him one last pet before leaving.

I know that everyone there would disagree with my actions, but I didn't care, but I was slightly worried because I knew that anything good that was in the relationship between me and Jason, or anyone in the royal family would now be negative, and that could be a bad sign, because with their distrust of me, it could indeed cause revolt against me, against my family and my kingdom, that is, in some way the war could return.

I sighed angrily, again I had been such a reckless and selfish big asshole.

I walked through the castle, trying to find the bedroom that I would share with my husband from now on, but as I searched I was stopped by an angry voice coming from behind me, I shrunk but I turned to see Jason approaching me.

- What the fuck do you think you were doing? Did you know that you could not ride alone without protection, let alone without permission? - I shrunk and I stepped back at his increasingly angry voice, unlike my mother, Jason still scared me, and I feared what he might do to me or someone else for my actions.

- I-I... I thought I would have a little mo-more freedom here, but... but of course it wouldn't be any different here. - I say turning around to ignore him and also so he doesn't see the tears that started to form in my eyes and soon I leave there, going anywhere.

- Where are you going?! - He says and I can hear his footsteps approaching me.

- And does it matter? - He goes ahead of me, so that I could see him, but I try to ignore him.

- Yes, it does, and from now on I won't take my eyes off you. - His voice was still irritated, and I could feel his eyes pierce me with anger. - Now tell me, where are you going.

I hesitate for a moment, until I answer him.

- I-I think where our bedroom should be from now on.

- That's the wrong direction. - He answers, his voice was still not very friendly, but he was not as angry as he was seconds ago. - Do you even know where mi-, our room is?

I shake my head negatively and he sighs.

- Follow me. - I did as he was told, and then in a few minutes we got to our room.

- Huh, could you tell me where my clothes were put? - I say when I enter the room and he points to the wardrobe.

- They must have put it in the wardrobe.

I agree, and then I look at him and I ask.

- Could I be alone for a while? At least until I showered and dressed.

He agrees and leaves me there alone in the room, I look for my clothes in the wardrobe and then go to the bathroom to take a shower. When I finished dressing in leggings, a short-sleeved shirt and a sweatshirt as it was starting to get cold, I left the room and came across a guard.

- Do you wish to go somewhere, your highness? - The man should have been in his thirties, he had brown hair and beard, and black eyes, he wore chainmail along with half his armor, and next to him was a scabbard in which his sword was kept.

- Huh, where's Jason?

- The prince is in a meeting at the moment, but if you need to go somewhere, I will accompany you, since from now on I will be your bodyguard.

Hmf, how great, a bodyguard, was everything I wanted most. I held back to keep from rolling my eyes, and then I smile at the guard and say.

- So, huh, if you will be my bodyguard could you tell me your name?

- Scott, Scott Dankworth.

- Nice to meet you, Scott. - I half smile and he makes a little bow.

- It's an honor to be able to protect you.

We were silent for a few seconds until Scott asked.

- Would you like to go somewhere, your highness?

- No, I… I'm going to stay in the room anyway. But thanks for asking. - I shake my head negatively as I enter the room.

- Alright princess, if you need to leave or anything, please let me know.

I agree slightly and then close the bedroom door and lie down on the bed, honestly I had no idea what to do now, so I just lay in bed, looking at the ceiling, the hours passed like that, until I realize through the bedroom window that the sun had started to disappear, in a little while it would probably be dinner. I looked at the ceiling for a while longer, until I heard a knock on the door.

- Who is it? - I say without emotion in my voice.

- It's Scott, your highness.

- You may come in.

- I just want to warn you that dinner is on the table and they are waiting for your presence.

- Could you please tell them that I am too unwilling to attend the dinner?

- Of course, Your Highness.

He closed the door and I can hear the sound of his boots hitting the floor moving further and further away, but after some time I can hear the sound of his footsteps approaching.

- Your Highness? - He said while knocking on the door.

- Come in.

- They told me that you didn't eat anything for lunch or eat breakfast, and that you should go to dinner for the sake of your health.

- I'm fine Scott. I already told you, I'm unwell for that dinner.

The silence prevailed for a few seconds until the bodyguard started to speak again.

- Wouldn't you like me to bring you something to eat? That way you won't have to attend dinner.

I was thinking for a moment, I would be lying if I said I wasn't hungry, as the only thing I ate today was a piece of cake and a cup of coffee, and my stomach was now completely empty, begging for it I would eat something soon.

- Can be…

- What do you want me to bring, your highness?

- Hmm… if maybe there was f/fd, I would be very happy.

- I'll see what I can do, your highness.

- Ok. Thank you.

When he left my room again, he came back after a some minutes saying that there was no such thing at dinner, but that lady Constance said she could do it as long as I could wait to be ready, and I agreed. It took some time, but the whole wait was worth it because the food was delicious.

- Scott, tell Constance that the food was magnificent and that I thank her very much for her kindness.

- I will. - The guard left with the tray with the empty plate in hand, and when he returned he said the following. - Your family is leaving for your kingdom, I will guide you so you can say goodbye to them.

But I stayed in bed, I didn't want to say goodbye to them, not just because I hated goodbyes, but because I was still angry with them, and I didn't want to see them.

- Tell them I said goodbye and have a nice trip.

- Aren't you going to tell them personally?

- No. - I just say that and he must have understood that it was better not to insist, and so he left.

As soon as he left I couldn't stop the tears from falling. I don't know how long I was looking at the ceiling like that, but soon I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and ended up sleeping.

A/n - Well, I thought this chapter would be bigger than the second, but in the end it was almost the same size. I hope you enjoyed, by the way, I don't know if at the beginning, Damian's personality was similar to his or not, and I also know that aesthetic doesn't seem to match, but I couldn't find images that matched and related to facts in the chapter, so sorry for that. (and the knight in the aesthetic is the bodyguard, just so you know)

Btw, if in case it have anything confused or with English errors, please let me know.

I think that's it, I really hope you like it =)

Until the next chapter!

See ya!

- Ina -

Masterlist

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gatesofember · 4 years ago

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I disagree with anon in regards to you not being able to write about it... Once again, restating trans people have different opinions and I'm not attacking or belittling them just sharing my thoughts

I believe writing about something which is a bit different from your experience isn't necessarily a bad thing, so long as you're respectful and willing to handle criticism about your depictions when it arises! Which, based on the way you're responding to us, you seem more than capable of that...

Also an enby experience isn't entirely removed from that of someone who is a trans guy, and there's a reason the word "trans masculine" exists (not saying you relate to that word or use it to describe yourself, just stating, that in some cases the divide is smaller than you think, and for some people the two ideas are the same).

@/nothorses on Tumblr is a really great person who talks a lot in depth about trans masculine issues and it quite generally a good blog to check out for more information, he's very well spoken, well read, open and understanding!

Typically if I'm posting about pregnancy in a trans space or in reference to a trans character I tw or cw as pregnancy or tags relating to uterus and bottom dysphoria just in hopes that nothing slips through and accidentally hurts someone... There are specific communities on various social platforms entirely dedicated to trans masculine and nonbinary people pregnant/giving birth if you're interested, as well as I have a (weird, slightly, I know) wonderful photography set of a trans man delivering his baby, if you're interested (again I completely understand if you're not, I just like finding these things because it makes it seem possible for me in my future)

If you want to end the discussion, there's no need to post this, I just wanted to respond to you and hopefully help you out some, if you do want to post this that's fine too, but I can understand you might not want your inbox used for back and forth <3

I’m totally willing to keep talking about this and learning more if people have more to say!

Honestly I think that tagging things that are triggering to some people is a more appropriate response than censorship, especially considering that this is an issue that varies from person to person and not something that’s unethical. Taking “if you haven’t experienced it, don’t write it” to an extreme can be really dangerous and damaging. But I do understand wanting to reserve heavy topics for people who are directly impacted and I should definitely uplift voices more than cover them with my own.

There are definitely similarities, even if we’re not the same! This reminds me of something that I learned in one of my classes: in general, there’s more variation within genders than between genders, meaning, for example, individual women differ from each other more than the average woman differs from the average man. The studies this was referring to only involved cis people, but I suspect the same principle would apply to all genders if someone studied it.

Thank you for the recommendation! I’m not transmasc myself (I’m kind of flux, I think?) but I’ll be sure to check that blog out! Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.

#the-ghost-king #tw pregnancy #cw pregnancy

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thealpacalypse-archive · 6 years ago

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A handy guide to avoid accidental transphobia

For cis people in the Druck fandom who write fic, headcanons or meta and don’t wanna mess up

Including questions like: Is David trans? Is he beautiful? Is he wearing a binder this whole damn time?? What’s his story?

hey everybody, I’ve debated making this post for a while now because I don’t want to seem ungrateful to the people who are already trying, and I know that there are other trans people in this fandom who are already doing a pretty good job educating people, but then again, why not share my thoughts as well.

In this post, I’ll collect a few headcanons, meta, and other discussions that i’ve seen around here and that made me personally uncomfortable - now be aware that i’m only one trans person and that other people can have other opinions on this, but also i’ve done trans activism for a few years now and i’m a gender studies major, so I definitely know what i’m talking about. also, a fair warning: this is gonna get long as heck. okay, let’s go.

Is David trans? The truth is: We don’t know yet. We only know that the actor who plays him, Lukas Alexander, is a trans guy. Now I’ve seen various people speculate if that automatically has to mean that David is trans as well, and obviously, no. David could be cis for all we know, and yes, casting trans actors in cis roles can be a pretty cool thing. However, if you’re cis, it would be cool if you reblog trans people’s opinions on this instead of shouting loudly about your own opinion, especially if it is that David should be cis for whatever reason. Why is that problematic? Trans activists are currently fighting for representation in media. There aren’t many trans characters we can look up to, especially not such young characters in a show that has such a big impact on a generation of young people. Many trans teenagers have never seen themselves represented in media, and many trans adults like myself are still craving for that good, good representation. Most of the time when we get trans characters, they’re played by cis actors - and because it’s mostly cis men who play trans women and cis women who play trans men, it perpetuates the idea that trans people are just especially well dressed up men and women who trick people into believing they’re ‘the other sex’. (ugh) Even though that’s a different problem, it links to this one as well, because trans stories in media are rare, and it’s even rarer to have them portrayed by trans actors. Yes, it would be revolutionary and gender-redefining if trans actors could play cis characters (or just characters whose cis or trans status is never brought up in the first place), but that’s one step ahead of the game in my opinion and tbh, cis people saying that they want David to be cis for whatever reason is just... suspicious.

Is David beautiful? Well, I’m sure we can all agree that this boy is a sight for sore eyes, and i’m pretty proud of this fandom for weeding out the transphobic assholes who called him ugly at the beginning of the season. I’m sure by now they’ve all seen the error of their ways because HECK, in levels of attractiveness, David is a king. Though it might not be the best to call him ‘beautiful’, ‘pretty’ or other usually female-gendered words when you’re cis and describing him. Why is that problematic? Listen, there’s absolutely nothing inherently bad about calling boys pretty or beautiful or whatever - I personally am an absolute goner when it comes to soft boys™ and their aesthetics, and I also think that denying boys to be soft and pretty is misogyny in a way, because it’s implying that female-coded things are bad. However, there are many trans boys (and other trans and nonbinary folks who were assigned female at birth) who feel uncomfortable when these words are used for them because it can be linked to misgendering or remind them of times before they were out. Trans people are often highly aware of their body and looks, because the way we look is heavily observed, judged and policed by society, and most of the time, being seen the (gendered) way we identify is the only way we get respect and basic decency. We don’t know yet if David personally has a problem with being called beautiful or whatever, but we also don’t know how the actor who plays him feels about that, and there are a couple of trans boys in this fandom who’ve already expressed their discomfort with these words. So in order to protect them and make this fandom safe for them, it seems like a small price to pay to consider our choice of words more carefully when we describe David, and try to avoid female-coded words.

What about David’s chest? Now this one is tricky. I’ve seen discussions about it a lot: Does David wear a binder, did he wear it the whole time he was with Matteo, does he maybe not even bind, did he have a mastectomy? The underlying tone of these discussions is worry - we all want David to be safe and comfortable, and seriously, let me tell you once and for all: a binder shouldn’t be worn longer than 8 hours a day, it shouldn’t be worn when sleeping, and it shouldn’t be worn when doing sports (also relevant for our jock boy). It’s not safe and it can heavily damage the breast tissue, ribs, and lungs - it can be literally life-threatening. It’s perfectly fine to worry about this, but it still feels uncomfortable to watch cis people debate the state of a trans boy’s body in such detail. Why is that problematic? Trans people’s bodies have always been scrutinized and judged - by medicine, by the state, by society as a whole. We always have to prove ourselves and our bodies, and convince people that we’re not just tricking them into believing we’re someone we are not. A lot of ‘true womanhood’ or ‘true manhood’ apparently revolves around genitalia, at least cis people seem to think so. Which is why so many trans people (and let’s be real here, especially trans women) have to deal with the question: “Have you had the surgery yet?” - meaning, did they already undergo the one surgery among the various ones trans people might consider, that reshapes their genitalia in a way that is acceptable to society. Cis people often use these questions about our bodies and the way we change them to delegitimatize us and take away our status as a ‘real’ man or woman. Other than that, trans people’s bodies often get portrayed as something freakishly exotic by cis people; there’s a certain voyeurism about it, and it often gets sexualized - just look at the way trans women are treated in mainstream porn. Cis people examining our bodies, theorizing about what kind of operations we’ve had or haven’t had yet, and possibly sexualizing or belittling/dehumanizing us for it, that will always be very thin ice, because it comes with a lot of emotional baggage for trans people individually and as a community.

What’s David’s backstory? We’re all wondering that, especially since Druck is mixing up the whole Skam setting so much and we really don’t know what they have in store for us. Obviously I’m just as thirsty for theories as the rest of the fandom, but I’ve also read a few things that kinda irked me. Here’s what to avoid: Referring to David as a girl or female in any way, speaking about him in the past with “she/her”-pronouns or coming up with a deadname for him. Oh lord please don’t. It’s nothing but misgendering and it’s so, so wrong. If you’re cis, also please reconsider posting headcanons for his backstory that contain heavy transphobia. Not only can that trigger trans people in the fandom (please use trigger warnings for that stuff, okay?), but there’s also a long history of cis people taking trans narratives away from us and making them only about suffering and pain. Sure, dysphoria sucks, the discrimination sucks, but me, a trans person, complaining about these things is WAY different from a cis person fantasizing about a really painful, possibly violent life for a trans character. Sure I want realism and I want a platform where we can discuss the truly awful experiences many of us have because we’re trans, but I wish that cis people would boost trans voices for that instead of coming up with their own fucked up fantasies about how badly a trans character might have been treated. If you’re writing fic or meta and you want to find an explanation why David changed schools so close to the end of the school year, you don’t have to dig deep into the trans pain to explain it. It’s not that uncommon for trans people to change schools, work places, etc. once they’ve transitioned far enough to feel comfortable - a new start makes the stuff like name changes, new gender presentation, etc. easier. And even if David’d move is related to transphobic experiences, I don’t really need to read detailed descriptions of it. You wouldn’t want to obsess over someone else’s trauma in vivid detail in front of them, so please be cautious when writing about something that’s seen as traumatic by many trans people.

Other useful pointers: There are trans people in this fandom who voice their opinions - seek them out, listen to them, boost their voices, don’t speak over them when they talk about trans experiences. Don’t focus too much on the fact that David is (or might be) trans. Like sure, include that in your writing, but make sure you know that it’s not the only and not the most interesting thing about him. In most regards, he’s just a boy, and he has a lot of character traits that tell us just as much about him, like the fact that he’s really closed-off, competitive af, artistic, a music lover and a complete emo dork, seems to have an active flight-or-fight response,... you see what i’m getting at. Let’s obsess about David on these terms, and I’m sure we’ll get a whole lot of new and interesting meta and fic about him that all of us can enjoy.

#druck #david schreibner #datteo #davenzi #mavid #my posts

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scriptlgbt · 6 years ago

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My story is about pirates. The MC is a trans guy and the captain is a lesbian who is some sort of big sister/mother figure to him. It's quite violent. I was wondering if it could be problematic? I know it's problematic to show trans woman being overly violent in fiction but what about cis lesbians and straight trans guys? Also, do you know about real any queer pirates i could read about? And what did pirates think about homosexuality/transness?) How was it being queer in the pirate world?

A conversation that I had, that is relevant:

ME: [PARTNER], do you know anything about queer pirates?

PARTNER: I know that there were many, and they’d sometimes be like -

ME: Sea husbands kind of thing?

PARTNER: Yeah, and one would inherit from the other’s booty, and when it was divided up, they’d share their share of the booty.

ME: [mischievous grinning face]

PARTNER: [nodding] And they might share each other’s booty.

Disclaimer: This whole thing is going to largely focus on what is known as the Golden Age Of Piracy. I’m also not a historian, I just hardcore, love pirates with my heart and soul. This is going to be a long post.

So, this is super generalized, but pirates, and even sea-faring folks in general (see: - or sea, hahahahaha - the LGBT+ history of Brighton in the UK), have tended to have a much higher rate of LGBT+ folks and minoritized people in general, throughout history. As far as most research I’ve done goes. Being in a travelling situation and having the anonymity of being able to move around with chosen family generally has great appeal to folks whose existences are filled with oppression and a sense of not belongingness. This has also applied for racialized people, women in general, impoverished folks in general, a lot of different people who wanted to reclaim a place in the world that ostracized them.

Another fun fact, the use of the term “Friend of Dorothy” as a euphemism for gay folks was investigated by the US Navy. They misunderstood it as meaning that there actually was a woman named Dorothy who could be routed down and coerced into outing her “friends” to the military. Cruise ships and others have also used this phrase to covertly advertise that there were meetings for these folks. (Source: Wikipedia | “Friend of Dorothy”)

But to get to the pirates, specifically.

Most pirate ships largely had their own code that everyone on their ship had to agree to. Some had things like, “you’ll be marooned with one knife, and no food if you are caught not reporting loot to be divvied up by the crew fairly” and things like that. But generally, whoever ran the ship, the Captain, would get to pick the rules. And with the partial-democracy that comes with the idea of mutiny, and the more notable reliance on the labour of it all, in general, things were able to be slightly more consensus-based than the on-land governments.

There are numerous women who became pirates to take ownership of their lives in ways that weren’t permitted on-land. Anne Bonny and Mary Read are historical figures that might be worth looking into. The two of them shared lovers, sailed together, had intense care for one and other and with their dressing up in masculine-coded attire and the like, there’s a lot to go off of in assuming they may have been romantically involved with each other. If not, at least they had some iteration of what a lot of contemporary folks might find comparable to a QPR.

The concept of “sea husbands” was also called matelotage (or bunkmate) depending on your crew. It was kind of the buddy system, but gayer. With little need to consistently explain it to outsiders, folks at sea were freer to explore the different ways a relationship with another person can be, without so much worrying about how it looks to others at a passing glance. And as pirates, there’s less concern that you’ll get shit from the law for gay stuff Of All Things.

Buccaneer Alexander Exquemelin wrote: ‘It is the general and solemn custom amongst them all to seek out… a comrade or companion, whom we may call partner… with whom they join the whole stock of what they possess.’ (Source)

It was just normal. They also had a version of health insurance where someone was compensated if they ended up disabled from battle. The compensation of death of your partner also works into this.

As for transness, these kinds of things have had fickle definitions and historically, it’s hard to be able to pinpoint specific people as fitting cleanly into contemporary cultural definitions of transness, because frankly, the past had different culture to now. When it comes to writing canonically trans characters in contexts where the language might have been different, it’s important to focus on making sure that a trans reader can identify the personal connection with that character’s experiences and feelings, just as much as it is to use language to name folks as trans.

Representation can go deeper than surface terminology and the like, and in cases where the terminology doesn’t necessarily match, it has to. Language like, “I never really felt like a [assigned gender] - I see myself more like [desciption of actual gender identity or name for it].” - is as good as just saying the character is trans in my opinion.

Depending on where the character is from, they also may have just outright had a word in their language for their identity.

Gender presentation was significantly freer with pirates than it was for folks on land. Things like earrings, frilled sleeves, varied hair length and similar, were not uncommon, although the gendered coding associated with these aspects of appearance had different implications than they do now. Gold earrings on seafarers were there to fund a proper burial if someone’s body washed ashore. Gendered clothing was also coded in more binary ways on land. Folks who wanted to be coded as men could do so by wearing pants and folks who wanted to be coded as women could do so with skirts and dresses. (Tangential but fun fact yet again: dressing in those big poofy skirts usually included massive pockets. They were generally not physically attached to the skirts, but if you wore it all properly you would easily be able to reach into them.)

Pirates and other seafarers also had clothing referred to as ‘slops’ for cleaning (if they were of the rank that cleaned anyway) which were pretty wide-legged pants that could almost pass for a skirt.

Material that pirates used for clothing was largely what they stole, but it was cut and sewn into the same shapes a lot of other seafarers wore. At the time, it was largely illegal (under English rules anyway) for people who weren’t the bourgeoisie to wear anything made with nice fabric. Rich people saw this as deceitful, and these laws enabled richer people to not mingle on an equal level with those of a lower socioeconomic status.

As pirates, if you’re already shunning the law, may as well wear full calico suits. (Like Calico Jack Rackham.)

There’s more info on pirate and privateer clothing here. (The link is to a free book in HTML format, complete with illustrations and talk of materials, and how the clothes worn at sea varied from clothes they wore when they came into shore and towns.)

I could write a book on this and still not have covered enough. But the gist is that pirates were a big counterculture of outsiders living their lives. LGBT+ people and racialized people got thrown into the mix (and jumped right in) and experienced much more liberated lives than they might otherwise. That isn’t to say they were flawlessly inclusive - there still definitely were a lot of things people thought of in congruence with colonial beliefs. There was racism and homophobia - but it looked a lot different, and was a lot lighter than you’d think. And there were some ships which banned women, but mainly I think that was because they typically didn’t have the background to hold their ground on the ships, and were considered more of a plus one to certain crew members (who brought them - the rules were specifically about bringing them onto the ship rather than them being there of their own accord) than part of the crew. Sometimes women were part of the crew.

Notably, Anne Bonny and Mary Read were in a polyamorous triad with Calico Jack Rackham. (I think a cis + het historian might argue about this but that would seem like denial to me tbh. There is much, MUCH more evidence pointing in this direction than against it, and it would be extraordinarily hard to argue otherwise.) I would definitely do some research on them!

I also recommend this book (link is the free text on WikiSource), A General History of the Robberies and Murders of the most notorious Pyrates. It is perhaps the most famous contemporary record of the lives of a number of pirates from the time, including Anne Bonny and Mary Read.

As for the sensitivity aspect of this ask, I’d say that what you are describing is completely fine. As long as the violence isn’t used to dehumanize or completely demonize, I would even say that I don’t have any warnings for you about it, or precautions to advise on.

Thank you for this opportunity to infodump about LGBT+ pirates. I hope this is not overwhelming, but I’m also happy to parse out segments of this better upon request. (Our ask will be open eventually, I promise.)

- mod nat

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tiergan-vashir · 5 years ago

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Hi. Just want to thank you for being open about your experiences. Seeing your posts is part of what made me think about whether I’m actually cis or not. Idk what to call myself because I never questioned myself until now, mostly because I’ve always been called a pretty girl (sorry that that sounds arrogant) and figured that’s what I should be. But recently I started thinking about things I did as a kid or even stories I wrote. And I realized that before I even I guess knew the pressures of (1/4)

Hey Anon! I’m going to put my response to you under a cut, because it’s quite long, but I hope it might help and be of some use to you on your journey with your gender.

I think the most useful thing a friend has ever told me when it came to gender is that “Cis people don’t really think about it.” Cis women don’t typically sit and yearn or dream of being a different gender, wearing a different gender’s clothes with a different gender’s body. If you’re worrying or even considering that the gender you were assigned at birth might not be the gender you truly are - I think that’s something worthy of giving some space and putting some time into in order to explore and discover the different parts of yourself.

If you do all that exploration and internal reflection and decide in the end, that you really are cis after all - then at least you reaffirmed it for yourself and maybe learned some new things about yourself along the way that can lead to greater creativity and self-expression. But if you realise you’re not cis, you can start walking down a path to even more self-acceptance and self-discovery.

When it comes to gender dysphoria and whether or not you may have it, I would say that sometimes people have set notions on what gender dysphoria is and completely miss that they’ve been experiencing it at all. There’s actually different types of gender dysphoria and different folks experience them in different ways (or not at all. For example, someone might feel physically dysphoric but not socially or vice versa). I would also try to look out for instances of gender euphoria, which can also be a telling sign.

In my personal experience, I didn’t know being nonbinary was an even option until just a few years ago. After that, I still doubted my gender, because when it came to dysphoria, literally all the stories I’d ever heard were ones where trans folks were so powerfully dysphoric that living life as their assigned birth gender was absolutely unbearable.

Because I’d never heard anything different, I thought that being in a constant, state of overwhelming suffering was mandatory part of the trans experience before you transition and that if you weren’t utterly miserable, depressed, or suicidal as a pre-transition trans person, it meant you were cis. Period. I had no idea at the time that dysphoria can actually come in different forms (social and physical) and can come in varying degrees of strength.

This youtube video is the best way I’ve ever heard someone describe how I personally also have experienced gender dysphoria, which is as an ever present ‘hum’. Background noise that is so constant that you start to not hear it anymore, because it’s always there. Being referred to by she/her pronouns didn’t really bug me (though that’s changed now if I can tell someone’s intentionally trying to misgender me). I don’t HATE my body. I just feel a little awkward about it and don’t really like looking at it all that much - but I thought that was kinda normal for anyone who wasn’t a super model. I hated most women’s clothing for most of my life, but I just kinda thought I just didn’t like fashion. I could live as a woman if I had to, even if I sometimes found myself wishing and dreaming (both figuratively and literally) I was a tall handsome man instead.

Meanwhile, just like that video above also describes: gender euphoria was like a bell. This bright, short-lived flash of happiness and joy. Every time someone referred to me as he/his OOC, I felt this burst of happiness and excitement. Every time I saw pictures online of androgynous people or women that could dress so masculinely people mistook them for men, I felt a joyful rush. (The Kpop singer Amber had me obsessed for weeks. I thought I had a crush on her, until I realised I straight up wished I could BE her, because so many people mistook her for a boy in a girl’s band.)

There were several times in the past where I low-key avoided telling people what my gender was IRL when I played as male characters in other games, because I wanted to spend just a little more time getting to enjoy people calling me by male pronouns OOC. And when I was a young teenager RPing male characters, I straight up lied to my RP buddy and told them I was a boy, crafting this whole other persona of this tall, handsome male version of myself. I liked being seen as a boy so much that I didn’t want to ruin the illusion of it.

Unfortunately, this backfired when this RP buddy and I became very close and they eventually wanted to visit me IRL. I spent hours trying on my brother’s clothes, and then burst into tears, because my body was all wrong and I just could not pass as male at all. It was the strongest gender dysphoria I’d ever felt in my life.

I feel like that should probably have been the moment I realised I wasn’t quite cis, but I didn’t even know what ‘transgender’ or ‘nonbinary’ was at that time. And even when I did learn it was a thing, living as a girl/woman wasn’t CONSTANT SUSTAINED SUFFERING to me, so the thought that I might not be cis didn’t even register.

It was instead the repeated, consistent bursts of gender euphoria over the years that eventually made me question myself and my gender. Noticing again and again how much more ecstatic and joyful I felt when seeing people who were visibly genderqueer or when people referred to me by he/him pronouns or just thought I was a man, really hit home.

Unfortunately, people don’t really talk about gender euphoria very much at all when it comes to the trans experience, just about the suffering. Even now, I still sometimes get hit with bursts of “but is it really enough? have I suffered enough to earn this label? Am I a ‘transtrender’?” Sometimes the joy and happiness at being gendered correctly is also a really good sign.

The funny thing is, once I realised I wasn’t a cis woman, I was able to re-examine traditionally feminine things see how I felt about them. Like I mentioned in another post, I used to HATE and feel frustrated by make-up. Now I love it and deeply enjoy it now that I feel like it’s about my own self-expression instead of me doing something because it’s what women are supposed to do. I discovered I love long, elaborate earrings and want to wear those things regularly While I generally prefer more androgynous clothing, there are a few very feminine pieces of clothing I really like (and some that make me so dysphoric I yeeted them into the trash).

On the flipside, I also found out I really, really fucking love suits and want to look and feel powerful in one. I want several masculine-cut vests, and ties as soon as I find ones I like that actually fit me. I love anything that minimizes the existence of my boobs and want to fine more masculine footwear (though that’s hard, because I have tiny feet). I tossed most of my bras out and replaced them with bralettes. And I love blending the masculine and feminine together. I was ecstatic when a friend told me that I achieved Peak Gender Confusion Inducement with my new haircut. Seeing Billly Porter in his gown + tuxedo jacket combo made my heart fucking sing.

I feel really free and empowered to be more myself than I have in a long time. And I hope, if anything else, your exploration helps you find that in yourself too regardless of what your gender winds up being in the end.

Hope this helps! Sorry this was so long.

#gender stuff #rl ramblings #gender #Anonymous

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canon-notcanon-warriorcats · 5 years ago

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Im gonna come to you for this because you're honestly like an idol to me (Im sure you hate to hear that lmao) and I feel like you would understand. You're non-binary right? I can't remember if you spoke about it but you use "they/them" pronouns and Im gonna assume that for the sake of the question. Either way! I've been questioning identifying as something other than cis-gendered. How did you know? And have you told people? What's the difference between relating to and empathizing with a problem

oh my god klsnalksm;lakdns;am i’m so honored thank you, but really i’m no one to idolize i’m an unemployed adult who is stuck in life who makes jokes and shit posts about fictional cats but thank you sidjk;lsz;

sorry this took so long to answer i was too tired and i wanted to think on it for a while so i can answer everything well and be at least hopefully a little organized and my answers/explanations to be legible

also this is getting long so i’m putting the rest of this under the cut wheeeeeeeeeeeeee

Yes! I am (at least partially) non-binary, I’m genderfluid and for me in particular I’m a girl sometimes, both a boy and a girl mixed together, and something in between all at once and at different times depending on who knows what, i’m like when you put soda in a cup and then put all of the different fountain drinks in at varying amounts and you do that each time you go to the restaurant but with different amounts of each soda, but like it’s USUALLY a pepsi base

anyway, it took me a long time to know, or i guess realize that i wasn’t cis because i guess i didn’t know i could? but in hindsight there were a LOT of signs and starting when i was 17 i think i started dipping my toes in different gender identities after i found out about the term “demigirl” and that’s what i kind of stuck with for a while

and then i questioned myself like am i really trans? i’m afab and identify as a demigirl does that really count (yes it does) but anyway after i went to college i was like no i think it’s just because several of my friends were questioning their gender, i’m a girl, and it wasn’t until a couple years ago that i finally FULLY realized “no, my gender is fluid, and i am a girl PLUS somethings between boy and girl and sometimes they all mixed together, sometimes all at once, sometimes individually (though very rarely FULL boy)

some things that i recognize in hindsight were signs (or were just weird foreshadows/coincidences of me being a mix of genders and it’s amusing now) include:

-when i was like 7 or 8 or 9 or something i made an image of what i’d look like as an adult in my head (or just older since in my fantasy i was 13 years old because that was obviously old enough to be a billionaire and own a castle and adopt children and a million animals and be a pokemon master, but i thought of an adult body) and my face was pretty feminine but my body shape was very masculine, flat chest, rectangular body shape, wore men-styled-ish jeans, and thickish arms

-in 7th grade for “some reason” i spent several moments thinking about what would happen if one day i came in as a boy named michael (since that’s kInD oF the “male” or “masculine” version of my name) and if like they’d recognize me or if they’d change my name on the registration or if anyone’d get confused or anything, this was also the year i found out that sex changes were a thing, i think, either 7th grade or 6th grade

-and the big one(s) for like my ENTIRE LIFE, even to this day, i would feel so confused if a girl talked to me like i was another one of the girls, specifically if they would like ask if their shirt tag was poking out and asking me to fix it, or ask if their bra strap could be seen through their shirt, asking me if their hair or clothes looked okay, asking to walk to the bathroom with them, GOING to the girls’ bathroom in general, chaning in the girls’ sometimes even being called a girl entirely, etc. made me feel

weird

like an “i’m not one of you” or “i’m not entirely like you” feeling and i thought that it was just because i’m awkward and shy and anxious that i went into the wrong room and then later oh i’m just gay and then to my realization: “oooooooooooooooooooooooooooh that’s why” and “oh, i was anxious i went into the wrong bathroom/changing room, but i also felt like i shouldn’t be in that room anyway because i’m not just a girl or not entirely a girl”

i also have and had a lot of dreams where like i was either a guy, felt almost genderless entirely, or where i would for some reason go into male bathrooms/changing rooms even though i’m not a guy (entirely or mostly)

also i i realized my favorite shirts were the ones that made my boobs look smaller or less existent, my voice would confuse me, either it being too high or low and make me confused uncomfortable because it “didn’t fit” my gender, and sometimes being called a girl or someone saying i looked like a woman made and makes me uncomfortable, and i guess the most nsfw/graphic part of this is that sometimes i fantasize and/or wish i had like

a mix of genitalia and i wish i could change my breast size and upper body shape to be flatter/more rectangular, but it’s mostly the genitalia thing, the body shape changing parts don’t happen ALL the time and not as much, but still sometimes especially if i see someone’s more masculine body and i’m just like “wow i wish that were me”, though being overweight kind of helps in that because my body shape looks more neutral, if i was thin i might have more problems with that

also, especially lately for some reason i get very irritated or uncomfortable if certain people call me a girl or she/her, very certain people i’m okay with calling me a girl and she/her but to people i don’t know well or aren’t super close to i don’t want to be referred to as she/her i don’t want to be perceived as she/her i want to be referred to as they/them

a lot of people have much more intense feelings and it’s more obvious, but they can often times be a lot more subtle and it’s okay if you don’t have INTENSE feelings of dysphoria, there’s also gender euphoria, which i think i, personally, experience more than dysphoria

i like it when people act or refer to me gender neutrally, i like it when my chest looks flatter, i like it when people use they/them for me, i like it when i feel content about knowing that i’m not cis and that i’m a mix of genders, i like thinking of myself as a gender mutt/mix or whatever, it feels GOOD, euphoric

i guess it’s hard to tell if you’re empathizing or relating, and i can’t tell you which one it is since i don’t know the particulars and i don’t know you, but what i DO know, is like 99% of time, if someone has to ask themselves “am i cis?” or “am i straight?” the answer is “no” because cis or straight people almost never even think about it or question their identity and even if the answer DOES end up being “yes, i am cis” then that’s absolutely perfectly completely valid and fine, you figured out who you are and you were in a mindset and in a safe enough space that you could figure it out for yourself and find out more about yourself

and finally, as for the telling people thing, it depends on the situation, i don’t really talk about it in real life, none of my biological family knows because my parents have shown pretty transphobic and nbphobic tendencies and if i told my brother or his fiancee then they’d start treating it like it’s some special thing and basically do that straight people thing where they like overcompensate being happy for you or supporting you or where they start talking about their other friends who aren’t straight or aren’t cis and famous people or characters that aren’t cis or straight and like i can’t deal with that

all of my friends know though, and i’m open about online and i don’t have any significant other(s) to tell but if/when i get in a relationship and on dating apps i’m explicit that i’m non-binary and genderfluid and basically not cis and before i get in a relationship i plan on talking to them about it and being like “hey if you see me as a cis girl this will not work out” they’ll also have to respect my sexuality of course and see me AS bisexual and demiacearo, not straight if i’m dating a guy and not a lesbian if i’m dating a girl, never date someone who doesn’t respect your gender or identity or doesn’t see you as who you are, or won’t let you have some wiggle room to let you figure out who you are, so that’s an extra piece of advice there for ya

i hope that made enough sense! sorry this was long and i might have blabbered on, but i hope at least some of this helps!

#not warrior cats #Anonymous #gender #sexuality

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ohpenelopes · 5 years ago

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i mean i could be aesthetic but instead i'm just pathetic

ALISHA BOE? No, that’s actually PENELOPE “PENNY” BROWN-PATIL from the NEXT GENERATION ERA. You know, the child of LAVENDER BROWN and PARVATI PATIL? Only 21 years old, this HUFFLEPUFF alumni works as a BARISTA and is sided with THE NEUTRALS. SHE identifies as a CIS WOMAN and is a PUREBLOOD who is known to be SELF-PITYING, A PERFECTIONIST, and INSECURE but also FLEXIBLE, GENTLE and IMAGINATIVE.

LINKS – pinboard, stats. CHARACTER PARALLELS – jackie burkhart ( that 70s show ), chloe gemell ( my mad fat diary ), mini mcguinness ( skins uk ), engel beekman ( skam nl ), cassie howard ( euphoria ), emaline ( everything sucks! ), gretchen wieners ( mean girls ), caroline forbes ( the vampire diaries -- earlier seasons ), kelly kapoor ( the office ) AESTHETIC – star shaped hoop earrings, drawing hearts all over your notes, needle pricked finger tips, unapologetic femininity, a loud and cheerful laugh echoing through a hallway, pinky promises, heart shaped sunglasses hiding hungover stained eyes, movie nights with popcorn and rose wine, drowning in the sea of your own thoughts HEADS UP – this intro has mentions of anxiety, but i’ve marked all of these with a trigger warning! <3

backstory ( 2008 - 2026 )

penny is born penelope lyra brown-patil --- penelope, for the woman who not only waited faithfully for her husband’s return for years, but who tricked many man in the process; lyra, for the constellation (because the stars are so wise) --- and as the second (and eventual middle) child to lavender and parvati

and she grows up happy. her childhood is peaceful and wonderful, filled with fun days and laughter. there’s not much out of the ordinary --- it’s stable and beautiful, and penny longs for those days quite a lot.

at some point, she learns of the things her parents went through at school, about war and rebellion and fear. penny admires her mothers more than anything --- she’s scared of this world, of this past, but she’s filled with admiration and a bit of fear that she won’t be able to live up to that. (she doesn’t have to, of course --- there’s no pressure or reason to, but still; she wonders about it, and she can’t shake the thought.)

anxiety tw | though life was stable and good, penny has always felt very uncertain about ... everything. insecurity has never been a stranger to her, nor has anxiety or pressure. she has high expectations of herself, expecting nothing short of the best --- and when she failed as a child (whether it was in playing quidditch on toy brooms or when drawing or when trying to sing perfectly), she would throw tantrums. she got help for this as a child after she had her first full-blown anxiety attack, but it never really faded. | end of tw

her interests as a child mostly range from princess stories to drawing elaborate things to cutting out pretty outfits from fashion magazines. she’s gentle and quiet and excitable when she wants to be, a whirlwind of pink and smiles and tangled long hair

at hogwarts, penny is sorted in hufflepuff (though the hat did consider ravenclaw) for her spirit. she doesn’t mind not being a gryffindor like her parents once were (or, at least, she doesn’t later on; at first it just seems like an affirmation that she’s not as brave as they are), likes how yellow compliments her eyes and fits in quite nicely among the puffs.

anxiety tw | teenagedom is a tough time for her. it seems like everyone is able to juggle it all, and then there’s penny: unable to keep up good grades and look pretty and have an exciting social life and have enough sleep. she feels like she’s drowning in all the expectations she has for herself, feels like she’s the only one on this world who is suffering (she’s prone to a woe is me mentality, for sure) and so hides it all behind perfectly curated smiles. her insecurity has always been strong, but it grows. she drowns them out by pretending. end of tw

in those years, she should be learning who she is, but in stead, penny learns how to be what others want. she shifts and shapes and bends herself to match others expectations --- she’s loud and funny and excitable among her peers, grinning widely and flipping her hair, appearing confident and extroverted and completely at ease. sometimes she’s quieter, a more gentle and softer being, lovely and quaint. she’s a model student (minus the amazing grades) to her teachers, a kind older housemate to the first years, a tough bitch when situations call for it. and sometimes it feels genuine, this person she’s showing off, and sometimes it all feels like a play. it depends, on her mood, on the role, on the weather, on the stars.

and you know what? it works. for most of the time. and then sometimes, it doesn’t, and there’s nothing to do but cry endless tears in her bed and be the most melodramatic person in the castle. alcohol tw | this happens when she’s drunk most of the time, to be honest --- penny is such a messy drunk. end of tw

penny also developed a taste for fuckboys during this time. she wanted to feel loved, she wanted to be touched, to be desired, and part of her was desperate --- but that didn’t make it okay for guys to treat her that way, period. i would get into this more but i don’t feel comfy about doing that akdjssdf.

when she turned fourteen, she got a sewing machine for her birthday. the next schoolyear, she dragged the thing behind her into the castle, unable to part from it after a summer of sewing. penny had always been interested in fashion, but now she was able to take it to the next level.

the dream to become a fashion designer grows and grows and grows, and penny is quite handy with the sewing machine, and her designs aren’t half bad, but of course it’s a stupid dream --- because penny doesn’t believe in herself, not yet at least.

post-graduation life ( 2026 - now )

penny graduated with one ambition only (see above) and no faith in herself. she became a barista, telling herself that she would work on her self esteem, that she would build herself up and become stronger and ready, that she would work on her portfolio and her design skills and that she would practice and work hard and ... that’s where she’s been for the past few years.

not much has changed, to be honest. penny still feels like that lost teenager, and in a certain sense she is --- she has just gained a slight bit of maturity, has moved out and has started working. her sense of self is still incredibly fragile, as is her self esteem, and while she’s trying to improve it, she just hasn’t found the right way to.

she feels so stuck. she feels so frozen. she feels like she has no clue who the hell she is, and she doesn’t know what to do about changing that. another part of her doesn’t even want to be thinking about these things, and just wants to have some fun --- once penny graduated, she definitely started partying more sfksjdfhsdkjfh. party girls dont get hurt!!!!! and like, on one hand, that’s all completely fine, because this is the time for fun and self discovery, and who says you can’t do both?

the timeclash kind of turned everything upside down. it did for everyone, i imagine, but that’s not really how penny sees it (woe is me! why does everything bad always happen to me!!). she’s so scared sakjdf. scared to see her parents and to be a Big Disappointment because she’s scared of the fact that there’s suddenly a war (like, what the fuck?), because she doesn’t want to fight, because she doesn’t even know how to fight!!!

she’s a coward lmao, but a coward with Standards (lookin at you peter)

i mean, if it came down to it --- if she had to protect her friends or family --- she would fight, of course. she’s just not very good at combatical magic, or at strategy, or at anything war or rebellion-related, really (except for smuggling booze into hogwarts, i guess, but that’s something of the past). and that’s fine, if you ask me, but penny doesn’t think it is --- but that doesn’t mean she’s going to push herself to be braver or to do more

personality & details

jfc i rambled so much up there, time to get a bit more coherent up in this BITCH

penny is such a mess. i have a hard time talking about her sometimes because she’s so messy and because her mood and her energy fluctuate so much --- she can be high energy and extroverted one moment, and completely down and sad the other.

did i ... project myself .... onto penny? maybe. partly.

she’s a bit of a chameleon, really. she’s very adaptable and flexible and willing to change for the comfort of others, and she thus feels like she has a small sense of self. this is true, to a certain extent. i think she’s too focused on finding herself that she doesn’t see that she’s already found herself a little, that there are parts of her that are genuine. she’s so hard on herself, expects so much, she’s just ... completely blinded by her own doubts, tbh.

and she’s def a sad bitch and a messy bitch, but she’s so much fun. god. penny just loves laughing and being happy and doing fun and cute stuff! she likes good things! so much! she tries to be such an upbeat person and she can be and agh. i love her like that.

such a romantic. pls stop her. her idea of love makes her so blind and deaf and she always falls for dumb boys :( but skfjshdf she just loves romance! and romantic comedies! and romance novels (tho she struggles to focus on books properly, ngl) and just ... pink hearts and all that fuzzy stuff

when she got her job as a barista, all she thought was that it might just bring her the perfect coffee shop romance

she’s an idiot

she usually just goes by penny, but not because she dislikes the name penelope --- she thinks it’s a really neat name, to be honest (a bit poetic and mysterious), but penny has just been her nickname for so long that she doesn’t want to make people call her penelope. BUT she does want to be referred to as penelope when she gets famous, thank you very much.

regarding that: penny wants to be famous dskfjhdsf. a famous designer, of course --- but she just likes the idea of fame altogether as well!!!

she takes that dream and ambition seriously, in a way. she plans to take serious steps soon (but she’s been saying that for years), always waiting until she feels ready to put herself out there. the idea of being rejected is just ... massive. the idea of not succeeding, of flopping, is so terrifying, that she prefers sticking with her dead-end job, for now. she has been sewing a lot after graduation, and i imagine she constructs a fair amount of her outfits herself (and does the same for friends), but that’s it, and she’s such a Coward about it

when she buys fashion magazines, she always gets two copies so she can use one for cutouts so she can make collages and moodboards

aEsThEtIc QuEeN!!!!

no really though, she has such a good sense for aesthetics. knows what colours and fabrics and prints mesh well together, always looks on Point, etcetera.

idk what to say this intro is such a gd mess bc i wrote everything from scratch and i kept changing my mind about things and while penny is a Very old muse, i changed a LOT oops!!!

#quantum intro #alcohol tw #anxiety tw

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metalandmagi · 6 years ago

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March Media Madness!

Hello and welcome to the post where I talk about all the movies, books, and TV I consumed this month in my seemingly never ending quest to shout my feelings into the void. And oh boy all the winter anime is ending so I feel dead inside.

*puts on sunglasses* Let’s do this.

Movies!

Bohemian Rhapsody: The one about Queen Freddie Mercury. And it’s pretty good. It’s a little weird seeing a biopic of a band with literally no struggles getting into the industry, and I wouldn’t say it does wonders for the negative stereotypes about bisexuals...but who cares because if you’re watching this movie, it’s because you just want to sing along to some Queen songs and see some big hair! 8/10

How to Train Your Dragon- The Hidden World: The third and final installment in the How to Train Your Dragon trilogy, in which Dreamworks pulls a Butterfree on us, but at least we get a happy ending. This franchise holds a special place in my heart for so many reasons, and I’m glad that this one stuck the landing. Each movie has its own specific feeling and message, and they all advance the story in unique ways. Apart from being beautifully animated and hilarious, it also packs the big emotional punch we all were expecting and ends on a satisfying note overall. But it’s still not perfect. The other riders are at their most useless by far, and this is coming from someone who never really minded them before. They’re a lot more irritating if you’ve watched the tv series and can see how they can be useful. And Astrid really only provides emotional support instead of her usual ass-kicking. The villain was...fine...but he didn’t really pack much of a punch. And I really wished they had kept some sort of continuity and embraced the television series (I NEED A DAGUR CAMEO)! But these are mostly small things. If you haven’t given this franchise a try yet, please give it a chance! 9/10

Ralph Breaks the Internet: The poorly named sequel to Wreck It Ralph, in which Ralph and Venelope must travel to the internet to save Sugar Rush and keep the game characters from becoming homeless. It’s a fine follow up, but it definitely doesn’t have the same impact the first one did. There’s a heck of a lot going on in this movie, and it feels like it tried to do too much in terms of plot and character arcs in favor of sacrificing the humor from the first movie. And I really miss Felix and Calhoun. But there are a lot of good things about it too. Everything the Disney princesses do is pure gold, Shank is amazing, and there is a ton of effort put into building the world of the internet. I’m sure it will be pretty dated in a couple years, but it’s not just a quick cash grab full of name dropping and references (even though Disney seems like it wants it to be). It’s still worth checking out. 7.5/10

A Quiet Place: A family must survive in a world where deadly alien monsters that are attracted to sound have invaded the planet. I am the world’s biggest wimp when it comes to scary movies, and even I was interested enough in the premise to want to see this movie. And yes it’s amazing! The performances are all incredibly moving and believable, we get good representation of a Deaf character, the sound design is so creative it should be used in film classes, and it tells a thrilling and heart wrenching family story in only an hour and a half. I think I liked it because the focus wasn’t on the monsters just going around killing people. It’s about a family and what parents will do for their children. People like to say there’s a ton of plot holes, but if you actually think about them for more than five seconds, you’ll see there’s really nothing to pick apart because their decisions all make sense in the end.

My only question is about the cochlear device the daughter (Regan) uses. Was the dad (Lee) trying to make a new cochlear implant? Did Regan already have the internal component implanted in her cochlea? Had she been using one since before the monsters came? Did it break earlier because of the monsters’ connection with electromagnetic waves? Because if not...CIs don’t really work like that. I’m just confused about that situation. But that’s kind of nitpicky when this movie is still amazing. Even if you hate horror movies, I’d highly suggest it simply because of how creative its production is. 9/10

Mary Poppins Returns: It’s exactly what it sounds like...Mary Poppins returns to help the now adult children of the Banks family with the help of Lin Manuel Miranda. It’s fun, but it definitely goes on too long. Though I appreciate Emily Blunt putting her own spin on the character. Odds are if you like the original, you’ll probably like this too. 8/10

Fantastic Beasts- The Crimes of Grindelwald: The second movie in the Harry Potter prequel-verse, where Grindelwald basically becomes wizard Hitler and Newt is more concerned with winning Tina back then saving the world. Okay...this movie is not great. Structurally it’s a mess, the fun is being sucked out of the wizarding world, the characters make decisions that don’t align with previous behavior and make no logical sense, and there really is just the bare bones of a plot. There are also several characters that don’t need to be there and are just thrown in for fanservice (for now anyway). I found myself constantly saying how things don’t work like that and asking why things are happening. But even so, there are still good things about it. Visually it’s...fantastic. Jude Law makes a good young Dumbledore, and even Johnny Depp embodies what I always imagined Grindelwald at the height of his power would be like...I just wish it wasn’t Johnny Depp. I also wish it had more humor, because what was there was funny. It’s really just a transition film, which proves this franchise should never have been five movies, and Rowling should have focused on a Marauders era series or on young Dumbledore and Grindelwald. You just have to form your own opinion. 6.5/10

Maquia- When the Promised Flower Blooms: An immortal girl becomes a teen mom to an orphaned baby after her clan is killed. It’s basically a high fantasy version of Wolf Children. I honestly don’t know what to think about this movie. It does the family relationships so well and really drives home what it means to be a parent. However, its setting really throws me out of the movie because it tries to focus so much on the politics and background of this world without really succeeding. And because it is about a baby growing up, the pacing is so fast it will give you whiplash. But it is beautifully filmed and animated, and I would have bawled my eyes out at the ending if I wasn’t so distracted by how much I didn’t like the other characters and things that were happening at the castle. So...yeah, it’s a well animated, hard hitting movie that will probably mean more to parents overall. I just wish it was a TV series or a trilogy or something other than a two hour film. 7.5/10

Free Solo: A National Geographic documentary covering Alex Honnold, a man who is attempting to climb up the 900 meter side of El Capitan at Yosemite national park...without ropes or safety equipment. Yes, this is an incredible feat and the actual climbing portions are gripping and super intense. But personally, I found who Alex is as a person much more fascinating...and not necessarily in a positive way. Honestly, he can be a jerk. This sounds horrible to say considering he’s a real person and he’s doing something amazing, but seriously watch this movie and tell me this man is not one step away from being a sociopath. It’s completely understandable why he thinks the way he thinks, but it’s not exactly healthy for the other people in his life. I would be just as interested to see a two hour therapy session with him as I was with his climbing. Anyway, if you love gorgeous scenery and butt-clenching thrills with a side of psychologically interesting perspectives, watch this on the biggest screen possible. 8/10

The Matrix: REALITY IS AN ILLUSION, THE UNIVERSE IS A HOLOGRAM, BUY GOLD BYE

Yeah I’d never seen The Matrix, but I really didn’t expect it to be EXACTLY like the Oto arc in Tsubasa Chronicles. It’s too long, Neo’s an incredibly flat protagonist (but I feel like that’s on purpose to serve some sort of self-insert fantasy), and it seems like a YA dystopian fantasy series from 2013...but in an endearing sort of way. And hey it’s got a lot of cool slow motion fighting and neat body horror if you’re into that sort of thing. 7/10

Books!

Dry by Neal and Jarrod Shusterman: What happens when California literally just runs out of water one day? A group of teens go on an apocalyptic field trip to find some of course! I’ve only read one other Neal Shusterman series before, but I’m sensing a pattern of how well Shusterman can propose a theoretical question and then build an entire world around it. And this duo knows how to cover as many bases as possible because every time I ask a question about how something world work, the authors answer it almost immediately. This is a great story with very well written characters, and it even has a small hilarious twist in the end that makes you completely rethink everything about one of the characters. Most importantly it doesn’t follow the Scythe series’ formula of terribly written romance. However...it’s definitely a major bummer. It’s very interesting to think about, and it’s a roller coaster of a story...but the roller coaster only goes down and makes you want to scream all the time. If you like books that make you question human behavior and society, definitely check it out, but get ready to start hoarding all the water you own. 8/10

Jackass!: Okay this one’s a manga, but I’m still counting it. Honestly I don’t even know how to describe the plot...there’s two boys...there’s pantyhose...there’s a fun side character who is openly gay and doesn’t take shit from anyone...there’s introspection about how to deal with developing feelings and realizing you care about someone. It has the most awkward premise ever, but it’s unfairly good I promise. The less you know going in the better. 8.5/10

TV Shows!

The Umbrella Academy: A family of seven children with super powers who were “adopted” by an eccentric billionaire become child superheroes. So naturally, they all grow into jaded adults who are now tasked with saving the world from the inevitable apocalypse. And it’s...amazing. Like, this should be the new Stranger Things amazing. It’s a Netflix original based off the Dark Horse comic series, and it has one of the most binge worthy plots I’ve ever seen. It is capable of pulling off some very weird things because it just leans into it. The setting and aesthetic is very similar to A Series of Unfortunate Events where different time periods seem to collide, and it works pretty well. It has (mostly) likable characters, interesting and/or empathetic villains, great use of music and editing, and Emmy worthy performances. The only thing I don’t like (aside from them killing off a perfectly interesting character for no reason at the beginning of the show) is the romantic relationship between two of the siblings. Because naturally they had to put a romance in it, and it just sort of conforms to the idea of “adopted siblings aren’t related so it’s not weird.” But even they have some great scenes together so I can’t be too annoyed. It’s amazing. Please watch it. 10/10

Ducktales (2017): The reboot of Ducktales, in which the three nephews of Donald Duck go on mysterious adventures with their obscenely wealthy uncle. I’m pretty sure we all know this as the cartoon where Scrooge McDuck swims in his giant pool of money. It took me a long time to get to, but I like it! Webby is an amazing character, and even though the boys can be annoying, at least they all have their own personalities. I just wish Launchpad was a little less...stereotypically clueless. I’ve never seen the original series, so I can’t compare them, but I’d recommend it for everyone who likes Gravity Falls style mysteries and satisfying story arcs. 8.5/10

Carmen Sandiego (2019): The Netflix original animated series that focuses on a master thief who travels the world stealing important artifacts before an evil organization can get to them first...AND HOLY CRAP WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THIS!? I don’t know anything about the original Carmen Sandiego franchise, but dang this revamp is awesome. Carmen is a great character who banters enough to be a Marvel protagonist, there’s unique animation, some mystery, and its own twists. The side characters may not be for everyone, but I like them...well, most of them. Apparently the purpose of the original franchise was to be educational, so they do sound like they’re reading the Wikipedia page for every new place they visit in the beginning of each episode, but at least the cultural things they mention always come back into play later. If you liked the new She-Ra or shows with great heroines, PLEASE WATCH IT! 9/10

Queer Eye (season 3): The third season of the ridiculous makeover show where five fabulous gay men rocket into people’s lives to boost their self confidence and keep them from living in filth. I hate that I love this show so much. I don’t like things that try to be overly emotional, but dang it, this show will just make you feel happy...and then sad...and then happy again. 10/10

Honorable Mentions

THE LAST SEASON OF STAR VS THE FORCES OF EVIL IS AIRING! Stop sleeping on this gem people!

Netflix finally released the rest of Arrested Development season 5

I started watching Yu Yu Hakusho because it’s a classic and the dub is hilarious.

I also started watching The Librarians. It’s...something that’s for sure.

And I’m currently reading Reign the Earth which is basically Avatar the Last Airbender set all in the desert.

#bohemian rhapsody #the matrix #free solo #maquia: when the promised flower blooms #fantastic beasts #the crimes of grindelwald #mary poppins returns #a quiet place #ralph breaks the internet #how to train your dragon #the hidden world #dry #jackass manga #queer eye #ducktales #the umbrella academy #media madness #long post #carmen sandiego

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karak9 · 6 years ago

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Another stupid long post about how I don't know my own fucking gender

This is honestly just copied and pasted from a yt comment I made on an older vid and I figured I'd share it here bc tumblr loves this shit I guess lol. God damn I've been questioning my gender for so long and ik rn im prob not still in the best position to be thinking about deep life shit like where I am mentally and im dealing with a lot in my life and also very insecure about potentially being trans bc a lot of my friends don't seem like they would be very accepting and my bf is only really into girls. I asked him how he would feel if I was nonbinary or looked like a boy and he just said he wasn't totally sure but he's only attracted to girls :c he's the sweetest bf in existence and im honestly so afraid of losing him, so aside from obviously not wanting to deal with all the other trans shit, I definitely hope im not trans bc I don't wanna lose him. Anyways, ill start with my childhood I guess. I was always super tomboyish. My older sisters (im the youngest sibling btw) were always p tomboyish so maybe I kinda got it from them but I kinda felt like I was more tomboyish than them? I felt like I was the most boyish girl I knew, like even meeting other tomboy girls in elementary school I felt like I couldn't really relate to them or like they couldnt relate to me enough idk. I also remember once making up a song about being like so tomboyish that I was basically a boy or something along those lines and sang it to my best friend at the time who I copied like all the fkin time (it honestly wasnt healthy lmao I didn't have good parents, also I think I started making up songs bc she did that and I wanted to like impress her), but she thought it was stupid and weird so I just forgot about it and moved on. I was embarrassed to even enjoy playing with dolls or play dress up games online and was determined to play masculine games like runescape (even tho I ended up doing girly shit in runescape anyways lmao) and considered myself one of the guys. In 5th grade when I started needing to wear a bra I absolutely didn't want to, tho some girls in my class thought it was weird I didn't wear a bra when they found out and that made me more insecure about it, but since then I've p much only worn sports bras. I have bought some more normal bras bc I wanted to look attractive in them for my SO or whatever but I still highly prefer my sports bras and can't stand wearing the other ones unless I have to bc my sports bras aren't clean lmfao. I always hated talking about genitalia and breasts n shit but that could just be bc of how I was raised and how my family was always so strict and such radical Christians and anything sex related was a sin, idk if its dysphoria or not. I've never rlly liked my chest and hated showing cleavage like so god damn much and still do but maybe that's the same thing or maybe I just want smaller boobs and that's it idk??? Like I'd want to appear to have a completely flat chest at least, idk if I'd want to actually like have a guy chest or not? Also huge issue with ppl seeing me naked or touching my boobs but again idk if that's gender related or just a normal issue I have. Tho I had a friend in high school (a girl, a very weird lewd girl) who would occasionally grope my chest randomly and it wasn't a huge issue but kinda made me uncomfortable and more aware of my chest. I really like when I wear big hoodies or when I lean over so my shirt kinda poofs out and it looks like I have a flat chest underneath. Though im not super uncomfortable with my boobs, like normally ill want nothing to do with them but I don't mind my SO touching them especially if they're really into it. I wouldn't say im rlly dysphoric about between my legs either, like yeah I think its weird and I hate monthlies and stuff but I think that's normal. I think if i woke up one day and had a dick I would be fine with it, I'd prob even enjoy it tbh lmao. I once had a dream that i was, well, a male dog like,,, ya know, with a female dog, and not to sound weird af (hey we were both dogs ok) but I think i kinda enjoyed it? I don't really remember any other dreams where I remember actually having a dick or feeling it but I've had several dreams as a male person, but p much all of them were like, I was seeing through a character's eyes or smth, not really that I was a guy, so idk if that's normal. I have the same dreams about being other girl characters, I'd say its split about 50/50. Because of this game community im in, a lot of ppl assume im a guy, and a lot of people still think im a guy and I haven't really bothered to correct them but idk if I find it more enjoyable bc its funny or if I enjoy not being referred to as female for once. I'll admit I feel most comfortable referred to as they/them, like without a doubt, if I could go by only 1 set of pronouns for the rest of my life it would be they/them. But ik that's not enough to call myself trans. I definitely wouldn't want to be 100% male. Like if I imagine myself as a grown man vs a grown woman id prob choose to be a woman. I don't like my voice but I think that's mostly just bc I sound 10 years younger than I actually am, and wouldn't really want a deep/masculine voice. Like a "tomboy" voice would be fine if that makes sense? I don't want facial hair or want to have a masculine body, I like that I have curves and soft skin and small hands. Personally I like my hair long bc its soft and people love it, but sometimes I kinda wish I had short hair and could pass as a boy. Like I'd wanna be a typical cute kpop boy ngl lmfao. I like the whole cute androgynous/feminine boy look and wish I could pull it off. Tho I also like really girly things sometimes and am okay being seen as a girl, i just want to be cute and attractive. Ik whether im trans or not I like being a mix of feminine and masculine, tho I admit in the past I've been kinda insecure bc I used to be super sure I was nb and thought me liking girly things and wanting to still havd long hair and wear girly clothes made me seem like "not trans enough" or whatever. But i guess here I am questioning myself again anyways. If I am nb, it sucks that ill never really be able to be openly myself and all but I've accepted by now that I kinda have to pick a binary and choose what I want to be seen as for the rest of my life, and im ok with being female. There are some things I dont like about my body whether they're really gender related or not but I can't afford to transition and wouldn't like most of the effects of T and am afraid of surgery and not sure I want top surgery enough to ever get it anyways, but I think if we lived in a perfect world and I could magically change my body at will and I wasnt afraid of judgment or being unattractive or whatever, I'd probably want to look androgynous and itd be cool to be able to change my genitalia at will lmao. If I had to choose 1 genitalia over the over I honestly have no idea what I'd choose but I have no desire to ever get bottom surgery, at the same time tho I honestly wanna someday get surgery or w/e to never be able to get pregnant. I just could not handle pregnancy or giving birth and I don't even like babies and breast feeding sounds awful so if I ever have kids they will be adopted 100% and most likely be older and like not newborn babies lmfao, babies are honestly so weird to me and they stink and cry and they're so fragile and im so afraid of like dropping them when I hold them lmao. But I like my nieces and nephews and I like being the cool aunt (is there a gender neutral version of aunt/uncle?) who lets them use my art supplies and helps them do fun stuff even if I get tired of them sometimes lol. Idk if that's gender related either but yeah I guess. This if kind of a more recent thing but I often say I'd make a great bf kinda as a joke bc of how I am in relationships like being the stereotypical sweet bf type who makes things for their partner a lot and wants to be their knight in shining armor and their protector and all that, but again prob not rlly trans related lmao just thought I'd throw that out there I guess. So when I was 17 was when I really started getting into trans stuff, prior to that I mostly just learned from my parents that trans ppl were "against god" and all that bs, and eventually started realizing lgbt+ isn't as bad as my family said and later realized I was bi. But anyways I met an agender person online when i was 17ish and I'd never heard it before and thought it was really interesting and asked them how you know you're agender bc after hearing their explanation of it i thought it described how I felt, but ofc they weren't transmed and just described it as being like a deep feeling or whatever and since then i started calling myself agender (and switched between a few labels but basically nonbinary) until my transmed friend told me I was ridiculous and that I wasn't trans, and honestly he was a huge dick but im a huge pushover lmao and I thought well he's trans so he must know what he's talking about, and though I felt discouraged about it I stopped calling myself nonbinary. Then I began questioning it again after not too long and basically since then I've been questioning my gender off and on. I'm now 22 and god I fucking hope im cis but also I feel like a part of me doesn't want to be cis if that makes sense?? Idk if that's because I don't like being a girl for some weird deep reason I don't know about despite being pretty sure I've gotten a lot of my feelings and their reasons behind them figured out, or if it's because I am trans and dont want to force myself to pretend im a girl 100% forever. At the very least, whatever the fuck my gender is, I want to continue going by they\them wherever I can and pretending to be a boy to strangers online and I'd love to cosplay male characters and bind and occasionally just dress masculine for the hell of it and probably wear sports bras for the rest of my life. I feel like in a way I cang possibly be trans because I can live with all of those things and be fairly comfortable still being seen as female for the rest of my life. But idk, I have bpd and other mental shit so sometimes im not great with my feelings (tho I do try really hard to identify all of my feelings/emotions and stuff) but at the same time bpd can cause weird identity shit so maybe its just a weird mix of a bunch of crap and im not actually trans but just weird and tomboyish enough to question my gender for 5 years and still be unsure. Also I know a lot of ppl suggest talking to a therapist/psychologist/whatever professional and trust me I would love to but I can't currently and am unsure when ill be able to bc they're expensive and I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so finding a decent therapist around where I live rn is going to be very difficult. Also, I have fucking crippling social anxiety lmao like I'd be so afraid to open up about this stuff even to a professional. So if anyone could suggest anything online that could help that would be amazing

#Trans #nonbinary #nb #genderqueer #gender questioning #transmed #pls help me lmao I hate my brain sm #also im so sorry if this post is scuffed af #im on mobile #its 4 am I cba

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werevulvi · 6 years ago

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I recently made a post saying I'm radfem now. So I thought perhaps I should adress that in a bit more detail. I'll try to not make this post several years long, but it's unavoidably gonna be a big post. This is to give a rough overview of my opinions, for anyone interested in knowing that.

The points I bring up, in the following order: - Patriarchy/oppression of women and girls - Gender/sex - Transgender - Femininity - Sexuality - Female only spaces - Porn industry - Prostitution - BDSM - Reproductive rights and women's rights in general - End notes/wrap up

Patriarchy/oppression of women and girls So I used to be an anti-feminist MRA and thus I didn't believe patriarchy was a thing. It took me a long while and lots of research and observing to see the fault in my ways. Admittedly, I was wrong, and now I know better. Also worth mentioning is the reason I found my way into radfem was because with my detransition I became increasingly gender critical, so if I focus extra on gender/sex opinions that's why.

Gender/sex Women and girls are oppressed in the world because of their sex, and it has nothing to do with "gender identity" and you can't opt out of oppression by transitioning or calling yourself another gender. Gender is a social construct and is just masculinity and femininity, including personality traits that can be called such. Anyone can be masculine or feminine and it doesn't make them the opposite sex or "not real" men/women. Male/female brains is not a thing. You are the sex you were born as. Woman just means adult human female and man just means adult human male.

Transgender Having dysphoria often tells people who have it that them wanting for their bodies to be of the opposite sex is what makes them, on some psychological level, of that sex. Conforming to the gender roles of the opposite sex often alleviates dysphoria cause it helps with passing, but few trans people think that the gender roles is what makes them men/women. It's just a tool to deal with dysphoria. Trans people should absolutely get the medical treatments available for their dysphoria for those who want that. Out of politeness and caring about their dysphoria, I usually refer to trans men as men and use he/him pronouns, etc, and vice versa for trans women. And on occasion I use the word "cis" to refer to people who are not trans but I don't agree with the term. I only ever use it for simplicity and in its simple meaning "not transgender" but I try to avoid it.

Femininity My stance on this might differ from other radfems but what I do definitely agree on here is that it should NOT be forced upon women/girls in society like it clearly is. I appall that and it should not happen. I also see there are lots of harmful stuff about modern femininity that also should be scrutinised. However, I think that femininity at its core can be good if you just know what you're doing, and I think especially femme lesbians seem to have a pretty good grip on that, not just myself. I think very critically about it and do encourage others to do too. I want to eradicate the forcing of femininity and its harmful aspects - but not the femininity itself. And that's actually NOT because I love being femme: it's because I was coerced to be masculine as a child, and that not only harmed me, but also made me realise and understand that femininity is a genuine and essential form of expression for my artistic mind. So, I think I do have pretty good reasons for having the views that I have on that point.

Sexuality Sexual attraction/orientation is sex-based not gender-based. Lesbians are not attracted to males/penis and gay men are not attracted to females/vagina. It's important that definition does not get changed by the trans movement and anyone thinking it's "no big deal" or think that it should be changed is a homophobe. Any male trying to force dick upon lesbians is a horribly gross lesbophobe and no it doesn't make it any better if it's a trans woman. It's very much like just another form of conversion therapy and should not be tolerated. I'm a lesbian, so it matters to me a lot. And on that point I also stand in solidarity with gay men who get to face the same crap from females/trans men. However, I'm half-okay with trans women just calling themselves lesbians as long as they can behave themselves and know they're not actual homosexual females, and vice versa for male-attracted trans men calling themselves gay. Again only because of their dysphoria, and only if they're not acting like homophobes. I'm however NOT okay with trans women invading lesbian spaces, but I'll get back to that point in a bit.

Also I'm really strongly against trans people not disclosing being trans to sex partners. Doesn't matter if they're pre- or post-op or how well they're passing. Trans feeling DON'T get to override "cis" feelings. That might not be a super specific radfem point but I notice transmeds vehemently disagree with me on that point, and it just comes across as very entitled, so yeah.

Female only spaces Are and should be for biological females only. Although I'm slightly lenient on trans women using women's bathrooms because in my own country it doesn't seem to be an issue of men abusing that loophole, but I'm NOT fine with any males using women's locker rooms, abuse victims' support groups, abuse shelters, lesbian spaces, etc. Women need our own spaces away from the male oppressors. And as a survivor or sexual assault and rape who's kinda scared of men, I do very much understand that need. Even though I look too ambiguous due to my ftm transition to get any sort of access to women only spaces, aside from bathrooms, apparently. That's my own fault though, isn't it?

Porn industry Absolutely disgusting, what the hell is going on there?! Kind of. Women and girls are being badly hurt there and it needs to stop. I don't care if that means no one ever gets to ever have porn to watch, people's safety is more important than other people just wanting something sexy to watch. Men's violence on women (in general) is being perpetuated by porn teaching them that women are objects and only there for men's sexual pleasure. And I'm pretty sure it even exacerbated my own internalised misogyny in the past when I was watching a lot of porn and searched for the worst of it. I no longer want to support the porn industry in any way. I made the decision, few weeks ago, to stop watching porn completely and so far so good, although I was close to giving into it a few days ago but didn't. I've got this.

Prostitution I used to want to become a prostitute, actually. Before I came to my senses on that point and realised it was just my traumas speaking for me again. I no longer want that at all, and it makes me feel sick to just think of it. But I read up on it a lot back then. I understand that the entire "sex industry" is directly harmful to the women in it and indirectly harmful to women not in it. I'm all for doing whatever we can to stop it. However, since I read up on it in the past, I'm kinda skeptical that the Nordic Model would be a good solution. It has a lot of issues. As I'm living in a country that has that model implemented (Sweden) and I know that there is a lot of hidden trafficking going on here that cannot be spotted or caught due to the faults of the Nordic Model. According to my own (possibly flawed) research the Australian Model seems to be better at both catching trafficking and making prostitution in general less dangerous for those involved, but by no means is that a perfect model either. I need to learn more about this perhaps, but at the end of the day I'm 100% against any form of prostitution existing.

BDSM I used to be into bdsm and didn't want to see that it's harmful, and basically just a "socially accepted" form of abuse. I used to be into "rapeplay" and a lot of humiliating kinks as the submissive because it let me "repeat" my past traumas. Along with my realisation that I'm a lesbian, I also finally understood the true depth of my traumas and no longer want to engage in anything bdsm or kinks. That has no place in my life anymore. It just kept damaging me more when I needed to heal. That made me understand that there's still abuse involved in bdsm even though it's "consensual" cause how can you make an informed consent to something you don't understand is gonna harm you?

Reproductive rights and women's rights in general I guess this covers the whole "bodily autonomy" thing and I include anything from being able to get birth control and abortions to stopping fgm and child marriages, and much more, in this category. I dunno really what to say here other than of course women and young girls being treated as cattle, abused, mutilated, raped, forced to give birth, forced to marry, etc are very important issues that need to be fixed and that asap. I'd even say such things matter the most to me when it comes to women's rights: having the right to one's own body from the moment that any female human is born. But also, reading up on those really heavy topics gets to me so bad I can't manage it. I get really bad panic attacks and just start sobbing uncontrollably. So for the sake of my own mental health, that's why I don't reblog much of that. But please believe me that is still very important stuff to highlight, talk about and get to the bottom of.

End notes/wrap up All of this and more really stems from the systematic oppression that women are constantly kept under, and I see that "red thread" connecting all these issues to that root. We need to get to the core of those problems (and many more that I didn't bring up here) which is men in general oppressing women in general. So that got me back to where I started, patriarchy. That's a nice wrap up, I think. I tried hard to not make this into a gigantic post, so that's why I left out a lot of details, explanations, my own personal experiences that led me to my opinions, etc. And yes, it's absolutely fine to ask me about my opinions on any of these things, and call me out (preferably with an explanation) if you think it's horse shit and I'll look into it.

#personal #my radfem views #i know its not super comprehensive but i aint got all night #still new to this #and still learning #im a get shit for my views on trans i think but im too fucked up to care anymore

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sadachmesarthim · 6 years ago

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Blaire White, Riley Dennis, Arielle Sarcella, and some thoughts.

CW for the below: cissexism, transphobia, generalized bigotry, conversation about genitals, internalized homophobia. i also use some crass language and references toward MYSELF - I am of the mindset that words cannot hurt me if I use them in jest, and take away their power. That being said, I do not use them in reference to other people. if that’s not your cup of tea, I’m sorry, here’s your warning now

I’ve been an active part of the LGBT community for about 6 years now, and I’ve been watching LGBT members on youtube for about 4 years. Since my discovery of my transness, and my flaming queerness, I’ve subsequently discovered many a gay/trans/nb youtuber - I started watching Arielle Sarcella in 2014. She helped me open my mind toward things like sexuality and appreciating yourself for being gay. This helped a lot during my coming out season, and the season of life I characterized by depression and anxiety.

That being said, I fucking despise her now. Her videos with Jaclyn discussing “dating preferences” being inherently part of sexuality, and not at all rooted in societal bigotry and innate biases is completely wrong, and very damaging. Here’s why:

1: They missed Riley’s point completely and twisted her words

This was pretty common among reactionary videos, tweets, and posts. Riley was simply stating that dating preferences (”oh, I only date cis guys”, “i only date tall men”, “i only date skinny women”, etc) can possibly be rooted in societal biases, and not actually what we believe or feel.

Riley’s whole point wasn’t that not dating trans people is inherently transphobic - because it’s not. It;’s a specific preference, just like being more attracted to blondes/tall people/POC/etc. That preference and bias, however, could be rooted in societal transphobia and hatred, and should be analyzed to truly understand whether or not you’d genuinely not date someone outside your preferences.

Riley is challenge us to analyze our inherent biases and prejudices, to not only help us step out of our own bubble and echo chamber, but to also help us grow as people, because if we continue to stew in our internal and societal biases without exploring other sides of issues and challenging our thinking, we will never become as understanding as we think we are.

We can’t continue to let our biases drive us. That’s all Riley was trying to get at. We have to be more than our biases, and we have to learn to overcome them.

2: Continuing to misgender not only Riley, but also invalidate her experience as a trans woman and as a lesbian, not only hurts Riley, but it also hurts you.

I have seen Arielle and Jaclyn invalidate Riley’s womanhood on the basis of her trans identity. That’s not okay. I have also seen Blaire continue to misgender Riley even AFTER she posted her measly “apology” video. It’s upsetting to watch, because people that claim to be LGBT (specifically to Arielle, partially to Blaire) are attacking members of their own because they don’t understand Riley’s argument or just refuse to try and understand.

Riley is just as much a woman as Arielle, Blaire, and Jaclyn are. They are women. Riley is a woman. Plain and simple. I don’t understand what’s so hard about that to understand.

People are also consistently reducing Riley down to her features and trying to use them as an invalidation for her arguments. For instance, Blaire (and some of her followers) have consistently bashed Riley for having a prominent Adam’s Apple, having a deep voice, being tall, and having a more traditionally “masculine” face, even after FFS. This I find is incredibly annoying and a very low blow. So what if she isn’t traditionally feminine or fit into your little box of what trans women SHOULD look like and strive to be? It’s her body, they’re her finances, and it’s her choice on whether she continues hormones/surgery/transitioning.

This also stabs you in the back for trying to make those arguments. Why? Because it shows that you not only reduce people and their identities to their looks, but it also makes you look like a monster that only sees women as beautiful if they’re beautiful to YOU.

3: Trying to seem like the centrist voice of reason makes you complacent in your own oppression.

Arielle and Blaire are on the opposite side of the spectrum, and yet they both share the same sentiments: Trans people aren’t the same as cis people and need to be treated as lesser or different. Arielle, a terf, and Blaire, a conservative, are both hankering for a handout from the conservative right by trying to seem like the token LGBT voices of reason, and it’s infuriating. They’re literally shooting themselves in the foot to try and get brownie points from the right. It’s obscene and is only getting them further and further away from full acceptance and appreciation. They’re not only looking like nasty bootlickers, they’re also making the rest of us look like “triggered little sjw bitches”. I’m sick of it.

4: Talking on things you have no legitimate stake or experience in doesn’t help your argument either.

This mainly applies to Arielle, but it also applies somewhat to Blaire. Arielle, as a cis woman, cannot talk on trans topics without looking like an idiot. Why? Because she has no experience as a trans woman, and she never will. She is a cis woman, with only that walk of life under her belt, and she’s never experienced the type of oppression trans women suffer every day. Therefore, she cannot speak for the trans community as a whole, and she needs to stop sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong.

5: At the end of the day, you can have your preferences, but that doesn’t mean people won’t get hurt by what you’re saying.

This was touched on briefly by uppercaseChase1 on youtube, but I’d like to reaffirm the point and elaborate a little more. You dont’ have to agree with anything I say, anything Riley or Fiona say, and you can have your inherent and societal biases dictate your sexuality and dating preferences. That’s fine. But continuing to beat a dead horse and claim over and over again that you don’t find specific people attractive because of things they can’t control is cruel. No one asked for your opinion, and it will hurt people if you continue to shout it from the rooftops.

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crimsonrevolt · 7 years ago

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Congratulations Haley you’ve been accepted to Crimson Revolt as Cassius Mulciber.

↳ please refer to our character checklist

Welcome back Haley! It’s always so nice to be able to welcome back previous members and we’re absolutely thrilled to have you back in our little family! It’s so clear that you have such a strong connection to the character and interpret him so well. We can’t wait to see what you do with him now that you’re back with us! *your fc change to Chris Wood has been accepted. Please note that it is not our usual policy to switch poc faceclaims to a white faceclaim but an exception was made as it was an old member returning to us.

application beneath the cut

OUT OF CHARACTER

INTRODUCTION

Haley, 21, She/her, EST, America

ACTIVITY

Like most people in the group, I work and go to school but I have lots of free time around those things. 7/10

HOW DID YOU FIND US?

Alexis told me about the roleplay forever ago and then I was in it for a while and had to leave, now I’m back again.

WHAT HARRY POTTER CHARACTER DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH MOST?

Remus and Sirius, I truly identify with them both equally. I’ve always been the weird, quiet kid who seemed too secretive and was bullied. But I also am a rebel who eventually learned how to stand up for myself and others. I’m like the stereotypical parts of both their characters combined.

ANYTHING ELSE?

I can’t think of anything else. :)

IN CHARACTER

DESIRED CHARACTER

Cassius Mulciber

Cassius: derived from Latin cassus “empty, vain”.

Asmodeus: From Hebrew Ashmedai, which itself is derived from Avestan aēšma-daēva meaning “demon of wrath” (this is my headcanon for his middle name)

Mulciber: the architect of pandemonium, taken from Paradise Lost

FACE CLAIM

Okay, so I know you all have Cassius’s FC listed as Christian Navarro. I’m aware he’s a POC FC, but I wanted to ask if there was anyway I could go back to Chris Wood since he was my original Cassius and to me, he fits the character the best. I feel it would vastly help my muse to have Chris Wood as the FC because I’ve always written him better with that face. I understand if you don’t want me to make that change and if I need to keep Christian Navarro, but I thought it couldn’t hurt to ask.

REASON FOR CHOSEN CHARACTER

Cassius and I have a history. He became my muse in September of 2016. I picked him up as a character originally to challenge myself because I didn’t usually write dark characters. I used to love writing the anti-hero or heroic characters who did horrible things for good reasons. I found a new love in writing darker characters. There’s a certain power in a character who has no morals. He would slit a man’s throat and then fuck someone next to his corpse without a second thought. He has no boundaries. There are no lines he won’t cross. The things he does, he does for himself. He’s a Death Eater but I believe he made the decision to join the group because of what they do, not who they follow. I will play him more in that light than as if he was another completely blind follower of Voldemort.

Cassius is a complex and deeply conflicted character. I made the comment before that I believe he has bipolar disorder, though of course it is undiagnosed due to the nature of the era and the wizarding world’s lack of science. (I have bipolar disorder and it has leaked it’s way into my writing.) His lack of a conscience and ability to charm his way out of all situations, started when he was young. His father raised him to be that way, frequently using pain as a teaching mechanism. As stated in his bio, he fits into the war like he was born for it. In another life, maybe he wouldn’t have been so perfectly formed for war but with the way his childhood went he was destined to fight this battle.

PREFERRED SHIPS // CHARACTER SEXUALITY // GENDER & PRONOUNS

I have no specific anti-ships and the only ship I have is Cassius and Augustus, but chemistry is the biggest thing for me. Because he’s a purist he wouldn’t be with anyone who wasn’t pure blooded. He also wouldn’t be quick to jump into a relationship. He’s generally more of a one night stand type person, however, he develops attachments to people and will continue having a friendly/sexual relation with them. Whenever things get too serious though, he backs off.

As far as sexuality, he is pansexual. He doesn’t care what genitals a person has or how they identify themselves, what he cares about is if the person is attractive and if they interest him. His pronouns are he/him, if you can’t tell by my extensive use of them already in this application haha. He is a cis male.

CREATE ONE (OR MORE!) OF THE FOLLOWING FOR YOUR CHARACTER:

I have a lot of things on my blog (this will be the same one I use for the rp if accepted).

IN CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE

♔ If you were able to invent one spell, potion, or charm, what would it do, what would you use it for or how would you use it? Feel free to name it:

“I want a spell that causes people to drop their guard. I’m sure there are a multitude of potions that do the same thing, but I’ve always been bad with potions. A spell would be so much more convenient. The spell itself would be “fiduciam” which is Latin for trust.”

♔ You have to venture deep into the Forbidden Forest one night. Pick one other character and one object (muggle or magical), besides your wand, that you’d want with you:

“Augustus Rookwood, he’s the only person I would trust to be alone in the forest with me. As for the object, I know it may sound odd but I would take a gun. They’re surprisingly useful considering they’re muggle made.”

♔ What kinds of decisions are the most difficult for you to make?

“Decisions that revolve around my emotions. Some choices are easy, they’re clear and precise and the logical answer seems almost the only answer. As soon as the heart is involved, however, it becomes difficult to decide because no matter what the logical answer is, it’s hard to hurt yourself to do what needs to be done.“

♔ What is one thing you would never want said about you?

“That I was weak. I am many things but weak is not and will never be one of them.”

REACTION TO LAST EVENT DROP

Cassius is thriving. Firstly, it’s the first time in a while that his friends (or himself) aren’t being held captive or tortured. He has never hidden his disdain for non-purebloods, so the plan to cleanse them from the planet pleases him. What doesn’t please him however is the sinking feeling he has in his stomach. Things are going too well for them and he’s waiting on that to change because nothing ever stays positive for long. For the time being I feel that he’s just going to enjoy himself in the Death Eater ruled world and take some time to be happy that his friends are alive and healthy and NOT captured. Though he’s constantly gonna be looking for things to go wrong.

WRITING SAMPLE

July 3rd, 1974

Cassius stood in the frigid night air, waiting for his father to join him just outside the Mulciber Estate property line. He knew this was death eater business, but beyond that he didn’t know anything about what they were doing that night. His father had made promise after promise that they would soon take the required steps for Cassius to receive his dark mark, but so far they had done nothing. Eyes focused on the stars in the sky above him, he didn’t hear Gerard Mulciber walk up behind him and the hand placed on his shoulder caused him to jump slightly. Thankfully his father’s grip on his shoulder was tight as he apparated the both of them away from their estate.

The dark alleyway formed around them, coming into focus as they reached their destination. Gerard turned, walking through a doorway hidden by magic, he absorbed into the brick the way students did as they raced to board the Hogwarts Express. Cassius followed behind him, pulling his wand from his pocket just in case he had occasion to use it. As he emerged into the room he was taken aback by the sight before him. The girl magically bound and gagged in a chair at the center of the room caught his attention first, but it didn’t take long for him to notice the masked figures that stood against the walls. Their dark cloaks pulled heavily towards the ground, eerily quiet as they remained still and unmoving, no rustling to be heard. Cassius suddenly felt tiny, insignificant, he felt surrounded and closed in, despite the fact that there were only four death eaters in the room, including his father.

“What is this?” He said with an angry glance towards Gerard.

A stinging pain ran through his head as Gerard smacked him on the back of his skull. “The fact that you’re too idiotic to figure it out on your own should be the first sign that you’re unworthy of the mark. Unfortunately, they don’t agree,” Gerard spat angrily, gesturing towards the death eaters who stood around them. Cassius’ eyes traced around each figure trying to identify any of them, but he couldn’t. A hand gently rested against his back, the feeling was almost as shocking as the smack had been. “The girl,” his father said as he gestured towards the poor girl in the middle of the room, “she’s a muggleborn, so are her siblings.” As if on cue a large cloaked and masked death eater walked through the door, a young girl on his left and a boy on his right, neither could be older than eight. “You’re going to kill her in front of them.”

Cassius’ blood ran cold and he couldn’t stop the chills that ran across his skin. He’d done many terrible things while at Hogwarts but murder was not anywhere on that list. “I know this is supposed to be a challenge for me but shouldn’t I be allowed to decide what I do? Since the whole point is for me to prove myself?” His voice was shakier than he anticipated, but he just hoped his father wouldn’t take notice.

“Fine, do what you want, but the end result must be the same. The girl will die and you will be the cause.” Gerard shoved his son forward viciously, forcing him towards the girl.

Cassius tightened his grip on his wand, acting as if all of this was perfectly normal. He couldn’t show weakness, couldn’t show how terrified he was. There had to be a way for him to do this and flaunt his strength while trying to keep calm. He took a calming breath before allowing the incantation to slip from his lips. “Imperio,” the familiar spell came out easily, the motions flowing through his wrist naturally. It was a spell he had used often at Hogwarts during his free time. The unforgivable curse canceled out the weaker spells that bound her to the chair and Cassius watch with satisfaction as the girl rose from her seat and walked over to stand in front of him. He pulled a small folding knife from his pocket and gave it to her before forcing her to turn and move to her siblings’ side. She moved the knife to rest against the other girl’s throat.

For a moment, Cassius felt guilty. How could he do this? How could he force someone to kill their sister? But he knew he had no choice. Trying not to linger on bad thoughts he flicked his wand and the girl dragged the knife across her sister’s throat. She crumpled to the ground hands around her throat but he didn’t dwell on her despite the fact that she would live for the next several minutes. Moving his puppet over to stand in front of the boy, he had her drop the knife and pull out her wand. With the tip pressed against her brother’s chest, it didn’t take a genius to know what he would do next. As the killing curse slid from the girl’s mouth, a flash of green lit the room and the boy collapsed onto the ground. Cassius felt disgusted with himself. He was dizzy and ill and didn’t know if he was going to make it through this without being sick.

He pushed his illness aside, knowing he still had to kill the girl. He had to get creative, no simple killing curse was going to satisfy these men. They wouldn’t accept the same method of killing twice. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he forced her to turn her wand on herself a small incantation falling from her lips. “Incendio.” As the flames quickly engulfed her body, Cassius realized this had been a mistake. Her screams filled the small room drowning out all other sound and thought. Quietly, praying his father wouldn’t hear him, he hissed out the killing curse, the flash of green hidden within the flames. Her body dropped to the floor and he flicked his wrist, putting out the flames.

“It’s done.” It had lasted no longer than two minutes, but he felt like it had been a lifetime.

Without comment or even gesture, all the death eaters apparated from the room, apparating the bodies away with them. Cassius was left standing alone in the empty room with his father. Pride and excitement filled his chest. Was that it? Had he passed their tests? Did he get to be a death eater now? As he turned to face Gerard, his stomach dropped, dread and panic replacing his earlier emotions. Gerard glared down at him, anger and disappointment painting his features. “You didn’t kill anyone. She did and when you finally had the balls to kill her it was only to put her out of her misery. You are pathetic and weak. If it were up to me I would never make you a death eater.” Cassius kept his mouth shut allowing his father to finish. “You had better promise me that from now on you’ll kill without mercy and without fear. Otherwise, you will have something new to fear.”

Swallowing his pride, Cassius bowed his head slightly, “I promise, Father.” Little did he know that promise was going to haunt him for years to come.

#lsrp #chris wood fc #accepted app

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07-02-2017-blog · 7 years ago

Text

My experience with FFS. Part 1

I remember waking up that morning feeling like I had moved some great mountain. My surgery was scheduled for 11:30, meaning I had to be there at 9 to check in and get settled and ready for surgery. It was 7am. I finally cleared all obstacles getting me to this day, and I had nothing in front of me but this life-changing, affirming surgery.

I hurriedly got ready in comfy clothing, not bothering to put on any makeup or fuss with my hair which, by itself, made that day unlike others. I took whatever pills I could dry swallow, since I could not drink or eat anything for 12 hours prior to surgery. I was mostly grumpy due to not having eaten breakfast, and seeing my mom drink her coffee made me deeply envious.

To anyone who is reading this that hasn’t had an amazing trans related body surgery, I woke up that day with the feeling like I was going to some tropical getaway. Everyone is excited to go away somewhere exotic and tropical; and waking up on the day of travel, you feel very very antsy to get there, and you can’t believe the day has come. But you must make the day through the treacherous airport lines. I was so close to the end of that line.

My analogy of going somewhere foreign and exotic mirrors why I decided to go through with this surgery. I was finally leaving behind the harsh conditions of having my face; it was hard to be out in public and I was always cooped up inside, to then go to a place where my face could look inviting, exotic, warm, new. Once I had the new face, I would get to make all these new amazing memories that would enrich my life forever. I just had to face (no pun intended) a day of waiting; waiting to be called, waiting to be put out, waiting to go home, waiting for that amazing recovery.

My mom, as brave as she is, was nervous all morning. At the end of the day, one of her babies was going to be put under a anesthetic and undergo a five hour procedure. I think every person can relate to having a mother being nervous on the day of surgery. We went down to her rental car, and I left my apartment for the last time with my old face.

—-

During the 30 minute drive, I thought about of all the endings that were being dumped on me. My family was never going to see my face as it was ever again. I was not getting changes to the point of looking unrecognizable, but still, the next time I would be sleeping in my bed, my face would be changed forever.

We arrived early and I excitedly hopped out of the car while my mom parked. I went up to registration and told them what I was getting done, and showed them my health card. While the kind volunteer made my wristband, I said in a pleading tone “Please don’t let the sex say male—I am a girl!” I’d been to a hospital recently since then, and the nurse there had put it upon herself to assume I was a male. I could go on and on about that, but that’s for another time. I was there to get my face feminized and my wristband was NOT going to say male. Not allowed.

I then went over to the corresponding pre-op room, with my correctly female gendered wrist band thank you VERY much, and the volunteer there took me to the makeshift changing rooms, along with a key to a locker. I was instructed to strip down behind the dressing curtain, change into the hospital gowns, and store my personal belongings in the locker.

Now, as a transgender female, whenever I hear the words ‘dressing room, bathroom, strip down, or take all your clothes off’, I go into hyper defensive mode. I needed to take off everything?! Even the delicate article of clothing that hides my biggest shame? (Cis translation: my underwear. Panties. Whatever ya call em). I was completely naked; the only thing separating me from showing the whole pre op room my genital situation was a heavy linen curtain. I called my mom in to tie up the back of my dress (god bless her), finished putting on the dress, put slippers on, put on a hairnet, and bam! I was one girl lookin’ great for surgery. I was escorted into the sitting room. I waited until a nurse came to get my final vitals and ask me about my weight, height, and last foods/meds consumed. I was sitting in a chair in an unflattering, frumpy mint hospital gown, wearing nothing underneath. My junk hadn’t been free like that since 2015. On top of all of this, that this was when I started the Holy-Shit-I’m-Getting-Surgery thought process.

Between not being able to cover my body parts properly and waiting in a poorly lit room to be cut open, needless to say the panic was mounting. For a time I looked around at all the people being wheeled off to surgery and having their blood checked; then I thought holy shit, that’s gonna be me soon! And, because my insecurities always come out at the most perfect times, I was looking around wondering what gender people thought I was. I was wearing a gender neutral frumpy dress and my long brown hair was sloppily tucked into the hairnet. In my mind, every person that looked at me saw a boy. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am a woman; but pre surgery, when I couldn’t wear makeup or hair or femme outfits, I was mistaken for a male.

Uhhh, that’s wrong.

My insecurities were confirmed when a nurse called me for a final pre-surgery questioning, and she continually referred to me as he-she. No, not in the offensive way that you are thinking, what I mean is that when talking to other nurses, she would say things like "Oh yeah—I’m almost done with hi—uh her, he—she is just about to go into pre-op procedures.”

Yeah. I got that for the past two years. Well meaning people who do correct themselves and respect my identity, but nonetheless, through no fault of their own, subconsciously assign me as male. And it kills me all the same.

I was then ushered into the outside of my surgery room. There I met with the anesthesiologist, my surgeon, the main nurse helping in the surgery, etc. They all reassured me and told me the surgery is going to go amazing, and that I’d be okay. My surgeon assured me that he preforms a lot of these surgeries, and everything would be alright. Well, so much for reassuring me. I was a nervous, fidgety mess. I was about to be cut open for god sakes! My brow bone was literally about to be shaved! I consulted with my anesthesiologist about how panicked I was, and he assured me that he was gonna give me the good stuff to really make me loopy.

One of the nurses participating in my surgery came into the room, and told my mom and I that they were all ready and set up for me to go in. I tearfully hugged my mom goodbye, and told her to busy herself with her various friends while I was in surgery so she wouldn’t panic. I kissed her and she told me how brave she thought I was as I walked away with the nurse. The first thing the nurse mentioned to me is how tall I am (hey, short people: saying I’m tall is neither a compliment nor an insult. It’s just a fucking statement. You don’t have to acknowledge it. I promise you’ll be fine.) Obviously this annoyed me, and distracted me from my nervousness for a split second. Then, I was ushered into a Grey’s Anatomy-esque Operating Room (yes, I know that reference makes me basic) which shocked me back into nervousness. Holy shit. I’m getting operated on. What did I get myself into?

In retrospect, what happens next was a healthy distraction from my mind automatically thinking the worst results of my surgery. And it also realigned why I needed this surgery for MY own peace of mind. All of the operators in the room were calling me “he,” and then hastily (or not so hastily, I remember you bitches) correct themselves. I went immediately into self deprecation mode. Well yeah they misgender me because I’m not wearing anything indicating I’m female. I combatted that thought with a sense of defeat and pure frustration; even operators that are operating on someone who is getting FACIAL FEMINIZATION SURGERY wouldn’t put in the effort to try and be respectful of my identity. And then I had one final thought: with this surgery, I can go outside without trying so hard to preform ‘female’ and I can still be respected and identified naturally as a girl! That was my original goal! Let’s fucking do this!

My anesthesiologist put the IV in, and remarked that I was going to be drowsy in about five seconds. I didn’t even have time to think, and then bam. All the tension left my body. I was suddenly floating on a cloud and everything was beautiful. The assistant anesthesiologist put my oxygen mask on and said “Okay, let’s start putting him out.”

Suddenly my frustration of being misgendered there of all places was mixed with my razor sharp focus to get into this surgery and complete it. Amidst the effects of an inhibition-lowering drug, I took off my mask and yelled to the room: “She, Her, HERS! She, her herrrrrrrr-“

—-

I woke up in what felt like two minutes after being put out. I was still tremendously high from the weaning anesthesia. I felt blissful and absolutely at peace. I did it! And no pain! (just wait, Sami). The nurse said a bunch of soothing shit that went over my head. I toned her out and basked in the accomplishment. I had booked this surgery all the way back in October, and waited for it to be preformed on April 9th, 2018. I moved away from my family in the states so I could work my ass off and save for this surgery.

I’m on the other side. I can now be free! And be more Samantha than ever!

-Samantha Kru 🤠👽💀

(P.S… I will post my post ffs experience, from waking up to a month later, as soon as I can! This is long enough on its own! Haha)

#ffs #facial feminization surgery #trans #mtf #transgender #trans girl #hormones #hrt

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