#i’m again angry at fandom treatment of her

[omegamoo]

cniki is. pathetic emotionally destroyed mourning herself mourning the world around her. cniki is strong cniki is growing cniki has felt rock bottom and still doesnt quite know how to build herself back up but at least she’s baking again. she wants to burn it down to the ground and start over but it comes from grief instead of a belief in new beginnings. she’s so damn angry and tired of being spoken over again and again and again and she’s strong and sweet and. she missed having a place to be safe she missed having a place to be happy she missed belonging. tell her she’s stronger than she knows.

[vegan-peppermint]

Your Boyfriend's Bed

Pairing: Hoodie x Masky'sGF!Reader

Fandom: Marble Hornets

Genre: Smut MDNI

Word count: 1.7k

Warnings: Cheating, creampie, rough sx, P in V

Summary: Your boyfriend is a B, but his best friend's there to take your side.

Author's Note: After a three-year hiatus, I finally found the inspiration to write again—thanks to this incredible fanfiction. It sparked something in me. I can’t recommend it enough, so please show the creator some love. Their work is the reason I’m writing again after all this time. This fic is inspired by their masterpiece, so I highly encourage you to check it out first!

________________________________

More often than not, you were a collateral victim in your boyfriend and his friend’s fights. Tim and Brian were too close for your liking, they had a great co-dependency going on way before you came in the picture. If Brain was in a bad mood, so was Tim. If you got in a fight with Tim, Brian was giving you the silent treatment as well as taking sides without hesitation.

It was more than you bargained for, not realising getting Tim as a boyfriend meant taking responsibility for his grown-ass best friend as well. But you managed. With each month that passed in your relationship it was getting easier for you, to the point it was almost natural to consider them both in every action you took. 

Weirdly enough, you so much preferred for them to be mad at you instead of at each other. Whenever their balance wavered they started acting batshit crazy. Tim confessed some details about their ‘alternative’ life after- what, a year in you relationship? 

You didn’t fully grasp what he meant by their “alter egos” or their nighttime escapades, but you quickly realized you didn’t want to. You had your suspicions, of course. You weren’t blind. But as long as they didn’t outright spell it out for you, you could continue living in blissful ignorance. It was easier that way, and you convinced yourself that you were okay with it.

But today—today was different. Today, things had escalated to an entirely new level.

Tim was screaming at Brian, who was cloaked in that damned creepy hood that made him look so unsettling. Tim's anger seemed to grow by the second, and when “Hoodie” (as you suppose you should call him now) refused to react, it only fueled Tim’s rage.

You tried to calm him down, talk to him or something- anything.

A strained, guttural laugh escaped Tim, trembling with anger. He started explining to you how you do not even begin to understand what has happened, how you should just shut up and not get involved- his voice full with disdain, every sentence designed to belittle and assert his supposed superiority. 

Now you are not the one to get angry easily, but this time- this time something in you snapped. You were done being talked down to, done being made feel small or pathetic for just wanting some peace.

“No wonder he would not bother to have your back when you act like such a prick.”

“Oh, just shut up you bit-,” his words faltered as he caught himself mid-sentence, swallowing the insult faster than a politician trying to cover his tracks.

You cannot recreate what was spoken after that word for word, just that all hell broke loose. It was no longer a fight between Tim and Brian- no, it wasn’t just them anymore. It was you and Hoodie against Tim. You were screaming and throwing your every angry complaint you had been holding in for far too long. And Hoodie- Hoodie of all people- was backing your every word, every statement. However, Hoodie’s remark is what really sealed and shipped Tim’s whole spirit.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen a girl so frustrated with her boyfriend in my life, Masky. Can only imagine you’re lacking in some aspects.”

The words hit harder than anything you had said. They were cold, calculated, and aimed straight at the core of Tim’s pride. The room seemed to hold its breath, and for a moment, Tim stood there, trembling with the weight of the accusation. His face twisted in disbelief, but the damage had already been done.

What followed between the two of them was pure madness. Shouting, shoving, items flying off shelves—everything seemed to spin out of control. Pushing, pulling, voices rising higher and higher, until the tension reached a breaking point. Tim’s eyes flickered with something darker, something unstable, before he turned to grab his mask and stormed out of the room, slamming the door so hard it shook the walls.

Well, this has happened this morning. You realise you could’ve done things differently, not taking sides or waiting for their fight to end before starting your own. That was your mistake. But leaving you hurt and angry with only Hoodie to comfort you was his.

________________________________

You were on all fours on your boyfriends bed, face buried in his pillows. Hoodie’s gloved hand pushed down on your back arching it more- your ass rising higher. 

Your clothes were littering the floor from the doorway to the edge of the bed, the cold air tickling your bare skin. Your eyes landed on the wardrobe’s mirror showing your helpless reflection with Hoodie’s tall frame behind you. He was completely dressed from his boots to the black mask that covered his face- he was glacial. 

His left hand- formerly on your back-  grabbed your hip harshly. He dragged the other painfully slow across your side- from ass, to waist and finally around your breast. You whimpered at the harsh feeling of his gloves palming your tits. 

“So sensitive…” he sighed. The nub was hardening against his touch making it easier for him to pinch or gently twist your nipple. 

You inhaled sharply trying to steady yourself but being met with Tim’s smell wasn’t helping. “H-Hodie...” you whined. 

His hands left your body and you heard his pants zipper opening. You tried to push yourself on your forearms, an instinct to turn around and see what you were dealing with, but before you could make a move a firm grip grabbed at the back of your neck. The sharp tug sent shivers down your spine as Hoodie yanked your head back. With a swift flick of his wrist, he let go of your nape only to have his fingers dart into your hair. His grip was certain and precise. “You’re way to eager to get on another man’s cock.” Your face was shoved once again back into the mattress. 

He was watching you excitedly as he brushed his tip across your folds- a groan escaping his lips when he felt how wet you already were. There was something primal about knowing you belonged to someone else yet he got to claim you as his right now. 

“Be quiet now,” he instructed sliding his cock inside you. You tried your best, you swore you did but he was so- big. Your eyes rolled upwards and your fingers gripped tightly at the sheets as you tried your best not to scream. His cock pressed deeper and deeper inside your cunt, stretching you in ways you did not even imagine possible. “You moan like a whore,” he growled with a final push. You felt your face blushing in shame- he talked to you in ways you would've never allowed your boyfriend, but on his lips those words felt so natural; almost like praises.

“Shh, shh,” he murmured, the sound gentle but insistent. You were already panting and crying just by the size of him. He gave you a moment to adjust to him being balls deep inside your aching cunt but your whines wouldn’t stop. He leaned over you, the rough material of his clothes scratching your soft skin. His hand reached to the side of your face, you thought he wanted to wipe away the tears that were sliding down your cheeks. He chuckled, his hand covering your mouth instead. “I’m gonna fuck you senseless, sweetheart.” 

________________________________

“Fuck, fuck- fuck! Feels so- Agh!~” 

You were screaming so fucking loudly. Your head was bumping to the ruthless rhythm of Hoodie’s thrusts. His fingers left red marks all over your ass, your hips- he was tugging at your body merciless, squeezing and scratching every inch of skin he could find. 

With trembling hands you tried your best to hold onto the bed frame as Hoodie was rutting into you from behind. His balls were hitting your swollen clit so hard- again and again and- “Am so close- so close, so close!”  Jaw was hanging open, you were gasping for air. 

“Fucking whore,” Hoodie sighed grabbing your neck with one hand, the other searching for your open mouth. “Bet he never fucked you this good, eh?” He gave a sinister chuckle as he shoved his fingers down your throat. You followed his cruel pull falling back on his torso. He was squeezing at the sides of you neck reminding you how little and vulnerable you are right now, “You only breath right now- scream and cry- you only feel this good because I allow you to.”

You whine taking him even deeper, his cock slaming your walls faster. His fingers explored your mouth pressing down your tongue, his grip thightend. 

“I could snap your neck right now, you know?”

You cry out loud in desperation, surrenedring control to him completely. Your eyes shut in anticipation, every muscle in you tightens-

“Say who you really belong to, who fucks you like a bitch in heat,” he snarls. “Say my name.”

And you do. Over and over again you do as your gummy walls squeeze around his length unbearably thight, waves of pleasure wash all over you. Hoodie’s hands allow you to gasp for air just for a second as they move under your arms grabbing you by the shoulders. His sudden body weight pushed you on your belly, fucking you deeper into the matress. His thrusts grow sloppy and desparate with no regard towards you- he was fucking you like a fleshlight.

“I’ll pump you so full of cum, MY cum-” Muffled sounds rose from deep in his chest, you were able to hear his clenched teeth through the sharp breaths he took. “Breed you so good you’ll be ruined- Fuck-” he whimpered. “Ruined for Tim,” his thrusts are brutal and harsh and- so goddamn overwhelming. 

His cum shots in hot strings, his member twitching inside your ruined cunt. His hands pull you closer and hips push further trying to get as deep as possible- deeper than Tim at least. 

You felt bad for comparing but the way he feels on top of you, in you- he fucked you in ways your boyfriend never could. When you tried to shift he grabbed a fistful of your hair forcing your head back. With lazy motions he started fucking his cum deeper.

“I didn’t tell you you could fucking move yet.”

//

This is my first fic since, what- 2021? Wow. Crazy.

I'll keep on writing my usual content as well, but creepypastas and gore-y stuff has always been something I wanted to write but never felt confident enough before. Anyways, feel free to request or send me any message, I came back from my hiatus! Never thought I'd say that lol.

[she-karev]

Maya meets Andrew DeLuca (Maya x Carina Sweet Imagine)

Age Rating: 12+

Chapters: One of Three

Fandom: Station 19

Ship: Maya Bishop x Carina DeLuca

Canon Episode: Season 7 Episode 2

AN: Happy Pride guys! Here’s another Marina one shot, this one will be released all at once today so watch out for further posts.

Summary: Carina tells Andrew about Maya and asks him to meet her.

Words: 1209

April 2nd, 2020

Carina hands her heartbroken brother sitting on her couch in defeat a bottle of mineral water. Andrew groans but grabs the bottle.

“You know what’s the second thing I hate the most about this disease? It makes it hard for me to drink alcohol so I can forget the crappy day I had.” The doctors know that the antipsychotics Andrew takes will make the alcohol he drinks increase the side effects. He uncaps the bottle and chugs the bubbly desperate for some feeling of restitute.

Carina wants to comfort her brother with a hug but knows she can’t with a pandemic going on so she resolves this by sitting on the couch six feet away from him.

“And what’s the worst thing?”

Andrew inhales and exhales in agony, “That this fucking disease sabotaged the only good relationship I’ve been in…and like my father I let it and there’s nothing I can do to fix this. Amber made that more than clear tonight.”

“There’s no hope at all?”

“Nope. She said she doesn’t want to be with a man who hurt her repeatedly like her mom did with her dad.” Andrew’s face grows sorrowful, “When she compared us to her parents, I knew we were done for. We’re over, me and her we’re over.”

Carina shakes her head, “You are such an idiota.”

Andrew chuckles lightly, “Thanks, kick me while I’m down why don’t you.”

“No, I’m saying…look Amber saw you at your worst, the same way she did with her mom and her brother. I love you but you did do to her what our papa did to mama when he was suffering.”

Andrew sighs and sips his bottle as Carina continues, “But you got better, your better and she needs to see that, you need to show her. You can’t expect her to just take you back the first time you two talk in weeks. You need to show her that you are committed to being better, that you want her to trust you again because she feels safe enough to. She needs to see you at your best and if she still doesn’t trust you…then it’s her loss.”

Andrew looks at his sister in thought for a moment, “Since when did you become such a romantic? A year ago, if this happened you would have told me to move on and find a release with some leggy woman at a bar. What made you go all Dante Alighieri overnight?” 

Carina grins and decides to tell her brother what has been happening in her life while he was spiraling and in treatment.

“I’m seeing someone.”

Andrew nods predicting this, “When did this happen?”

“Since January.” Her brother stops and looks at his sister with a shocked face that she sees and chuckles at, “What?”

“You’ve been seeing someone for four months and you’re just telling me this now?” He sounds more surprised than angry. His sister normally isn’t shy in flaunting her relationships in his face, it was most evident with Hunt and Arizona.

Carina explains, “It wasn’t exactly a good time to talk to you, no offense Andrea but you were not the easiest guy when you were manic.”

“You and Amber can agree to that.” Andrew points out bitterly but shakes it off, “So who is it? Is it someone from the hospital? Do I know this person and have to steer clear of the on-call rooms, so I don’t walk in on you two?”

“Ha-ha, it’s not a doctor or a nurse, it’s a firefighter.”

Andrew hmms in approval, “That’s new and interesting. Did you run into each other at the hospital? Were they dropping off a patient from the ambulance?”

Carina grins at the first time she ever saw Maya and explains the story to him, “Not exactly. She came by the hospital with a nose in a bag after running back from a bear attack scene in the woods.”

Andrew looks surprised by the story and takes a moment before giving his feedback, “And I thought me and Amber had a unique meet cute.”

Carina chuckles, “We met at the bar that night and one thing led to another and now we’re dating. And a few weeks ago we told each other I love you and even in the pandemic things are still going strong. In fact…she asked me to move in with her today and I said yes.”

Andrew looks at his sister with wide eyes and begins to chuckle. Carina looks at her brother worried as he gets hysterical and leans forward with his head in his hands smiling wide, and closing his eyes as he laughs like a hyena.

Carina worries her brother is having a mental breakdown again and asks him calmly, “Andrea?”

“I’m fine, I’m sorry.” He assures her as he laughs. He begins to calm down but is still smiling as he leans back on the couch. He exhales when he stops laughing with Carina looking less worried and more confused over her brother’s behavior.

He explains her silent question, “A year ago I was in a stable relationship with the woman I love while you were alone and now…I am here whining about my breakup in your apartment chugging mineral water and your about to move in with the first woman who made you fall in love. I mean it might be residual mania, but I find this irony hilarious.” Andrew chuckles lightly at the last word and sips his water.

Carina pats her brother’s knee in comfort, “I’m sorry.”

Andrew shakes his head, after everything his sister deserves to be happy more than anyone else, he knows. He rectifies his last words.

“Don’t be. Just because I’m miserable doesn’t mean you have to follow.” Carina nods, “I really am happy for you.” He sniffles, sits up and decides to move forward for his sister’s sake, “So when do I get to meet her? And more importantly what is her name?”

Carina smiles at her brother’s pestering, “Her name is Maya, she’s a fire captain at station 19 and she is…she is perfection.” Her brother grins genuinely happy his sister found someone to love amidst all this madness, “Now I told her you would meet her when you get better so…how is breakfast at our place this weekend? As long as we all have negative covid tests and you do not go all weird and interrogating to find some reason to hate her like you did all the other people I dated.”

Andrew scoffs amused, “You didn’t really date before this firefighter and the reason I was so judgey was because you went after my friends and exes. I don’t know Maya, she doesn’t live with me, she’s not my boss, and she got a commitment phobe like you to move in. I already love her.”

Carina chuckles in delight, “Great that didn’t take long. I’ll text you our place and you can meet her over French toast and coffee.”

“Great I can’t wait. It’s probably the first time this year I’m looking forward to something so thanks for this.” They clink their drinks and Carina drinks her water with a grin as she can already tell her brother will approve of Maya.

Next Part Here

[unofficialadamtaurus]

Question: Do you think that Adam’s as a character would be as viciously hated if he was a person of color? One thing I’ve been battling with recently is the fact that Adam and the faunus as a whole are allegories for the Civil Rights movement, as M&K and the rest of that writing team don’t like letting us forget

Blake and Adam specifically are the focus of it. They’re supposed to be black, yet they’re skin is white, they’re voiced by white people, and written by white people. It’s always made me angry with Blake because of how I feel her entire story has been commodified by a white audience, specifically women who look at her “goth” aesthetic and go “she’s just like me”

It’s only now I’m really starting to get the same feelings from Adam as well. I feel so much of the abuse angle that was written in the show and perpetuated by fans comes from a cishet white angle while trying to erase the very real PoC story that exists in his character. As a Jewish person, it’s something I’ve noticed a lot with some of my favorite comic characters (Superman, Moon Knight, Spider-Man etc.)

I figured I’d ask that question here. Would Adam still receive the same amount of hate if he was a PoC? Would it be even worse? I’d love to hear a different perspective.

This is a minefield of a question for a white person to answer, but I've already discussed how awful canon's racism allegory is before, so what's one more.

There are a few things I can see affecting his reception if he were a character of color: the conflation of black masculinity and aggression, this fandom's occasionally absurd treatment of male characters who go against the mains, and his godawful writing (which won't change with the color of his skin).

Long story short, I don't think much would change. Many, many fans - both fans of color and white fans - have repeatedly pointed out the racism in Adam's writing and (usually white) fans have ignored them time and again. Sometimes Adam's canon skin tone is wielded as a deflecting tool, sometimes his other character flaws get raised. I truly don't think taking away the "but he's white!!" deflection would make much difference.

[quantumshade]

your comment+tags on the martha vs k9 post... literally thank you so fucking much. martha is one of the companions with the most gentle souls ever, she was nervous about hanging up on her mom when she was literally being eaten by a star for fucks sake. like how many other companions wouldn't think twice about hanging up on their mom right then? how many would make funny quips like "sorry mom lol!!"? and MARTHA is still in the running to be the "beat up the doctor" one? i wouldn't be surprised if i missed a moment where k9 actually shot at the doctor tbh

literally!! martha is a fantastic and layered character. she is a lot of things, but she is never a violent person. she’s brilliant, she’s a medical doctor, she’s dedicated her life to helping people!

and yet i *constantly* see posts like this

[image id: a screenshot of a tumblr post that reads: i am manifesting martha jones with a gun for 2023. end image id.]

and like this

[image id: a screenshot of a tumblr post that reads: i have my heart set on 15 appearing because of martha jones and a shotgun. the tags beneath it read #dw shit #insert gif of the cheshire cat #grinning here #she didn’t manage it the first time but she’s no quitter!!!! #doesn’t Have to be a shotgun. she can shove him off a cliff. end image id.]

there’s a ton of these posts that are like “if martha comes back in the 60th she should get to kick the doctor’s ass!!” like. bestie I don’t know how to tell you this but she forgave him 15 years ago. they are friends in s4. she has an entire life outside of him and she is happy. why do you want her to be hung up on some guy from a decade and a half ago? why do you want her to have an angry grudge against someone who hasn’t been a part of her life in a very long time? she moved on. she healed. which is a helluva lot more healthy than still being angry at him.

the doctor treated martha poorly, and that’s why she left. because she respected herself and she loved herself and knew she deserved better. but I don’t think she ever hated him. her choice to leave is framed as heroic. she steps off with a smile and a hug goodbye and a promise to see each other again.

whether or not you think martha should have forgiven the doctor is irrelevant, because she did. because she is a kind-hearted, loving person. and to frame her as otherwise is a really strange reading of her character. i just feel like a lot of people, when (rightfully) criticizing rtd for his treatment of martha, reduce her to something she’s not, and it’s not fair to her. and i’m not the right person to talk about this, so I won’t go on too long, but i think it would be wrong not to mention that a lot of it feels really racialized. this is a big problem as a whole, but i’ve noticed it a lot in fandom where people will take black characters and decide that they’re violent and they have to be Badass or something. it’s kind of gross. it’s really gross.

[ozimagines]

Hey there, buddy! I really hope that you knee surgery went well, and that you’ll be over the worst of the pain as soon as possible. Stay comfy and rest well. If you are not too swamped with requests, would you mind if I shoot one? Would you be able to write for Shannon O’Reily falling for a woman? Perhaps someone she initially believes to be a cute guy, only to find that she is a cute butch, and how she deals with that?

Y’all are so kind!❤️😭 Yeah it’s been… not fun. But you all delivered and I have a decent amount of requests (though I’m always hoping for more🥰) to help me take my mind off the pain. They’re all FUN requests too. I love this fandom’s creativity.

Before I write any of the characters, I track down all their scenes and watch them all to understand the character. I could see Shannon being a late in life lesbian. (Y’all don’t know much about me but I’m an early in life lesbian😂 Pansexual technically but I only seem to like fictional men and irl women lol) Sooo without further ado, I give you all;

(Also totally not basing this on the married woman I’m in love with at work and my girlfriend -open relationship- with a butch mullet… anyhoo…)

Shannon O’Reily Sullivan falling for a Butch Lesbian…

Fuck him. Real goddamn lowlife.

Shannon lit a cigarette between two trembling fingers. So he’d stay with her through high school, through infertility, through prison… but cancer was where he drew the line?

Prick. Real goddamn prick.

It’s not like she hadn’t been supportive. Like she hadn’t been up every night searching the internet for cancer treatments and the antioxidant smoothies and shit. Not like she’d been making a thousand phone calls to a thousand doctors to see if she couldn’t scrape together a better treatment than they’d give him in prison.

Shannon released the smoke in her lungs, but not the anger in her heart. She’d loved him. Actually loved him. And the first doctor who shook her tits in front of him stole him away. She puffed on the cigarette liked it’d be her last.

Now here she was, back in the city. Cyril was at his cousin’s now. Or someone’s. She’d actually miss that doofus. The way he watched her while she did her makeup and giggled whenever a certain blue dog got mail.

Now she had no one and nothing. Nothing of her old life. She’d left it all for him, and he’d left her for Dr. Nathan.

Fuck. She needed a drink.

She stopped off in some pub, she didn’t really read the sign. She plopped down on one of the barstools and flagged down the bartender.

“Whisky. Straight. Double.”

The bartender chuckled a little, and pushed back his hair.

“Sounds like you’ve had a day.”

“Don’t know the half of it, buddy.” She rasped, fingers reaching for another cigarette. The bartender held out a light. She looked him over. Cute features. Dark eyes. Kind of a feminine jaw if not for the masculine brows and piercings.

“Aren’t you the gentleman.” She said, sourly. “If my husband… ex-husband were anything like you, I wouldn’t be here.” 😅

“Hmm, wouldn’t have even had to ask if it was a rough day if you’d just lead with that.” He chucked a little, and flagged the other bartender to watch his checks. He poured her drink and handed it to her, and she shot it back, holding it in her mouth for a second so she could feel the burn. She made a gesture to fill it again. So he did. She threw it back again, just as effortlessly as the first, when she made the motion again, he stopped her.

“A better man isn’t at the bottom of this bottle, hon.”

Shannon got angry. Yet someone else dictating her life. The bartender seemed to understand this, so added;

“Just sit with it for a few seconds. I’m not saying I won’t serve you, just… pace yourself.” 🥲

After a second of silence, he asked,

“Who’s this shit ex?”

Shannon felt the tears well up in her eyes so she explained everything. The marriage. The infertility. The brother. The arrest. The cancer. Everything just came spilling out as she sobbed. Her head was starting to spin. She felt a hand on hers, a little bigger than her own.

“Sorry, hon. Sounds like a real piece of work. Still, he’s in pain and scared right now. Could be that. I’m not saying go back to him or anything, but… I’m saying it’s not you.”

She sniffs and drinks the water the guy pours for her.

“The real shitty part. The part that sucks more than anything else… I actually loved the bastard.”

“That’s always the kicker, isn’t it. You actually love them and then they do something that makes you feel like they were fooling you. You feel silly, and small.”

She sniffed, wiping at her mascara.

“What bitch broke your heart?”

He laughed at her bluntness and reflected.

“Emily. Sweet girl. Beautiful girl. Though… she would always do this thing where if something was funny she’d actually said “wait that’s so funny”. Every time. Like it was just occurring to her.”

They both laughed. Shannon’s fingers stopped trembling.

“Ryan once complained that it was cold but he hated wearing socks to bed so the idiot literally cut the toe off the sock.”😂

Shannon and the bartender laugh for ten minutes about their past relationships. For just ten minutes, she got to remember and forget that bastard all at once. 🙂

“Sorry, I never got your name.” Shannon giggled, head starting to spin.

“Natalie.”

“…what.”

Shannon’s head popped up and she really looked at her bartender closely. That feminine jaw started looking a lot more suspicious, even if the mullet had thrown her off. And the lashes a little too long. Lips a little too full… oh god.

“Youre a chick?” She almost accused. The bartender seemed confused.

“Last time I checked, yeah.”

“But… your ex girlfriend?”

“Yeah?”

Shannon hadn’t been living under a rock. She’d heard about lesbians. She’d just never met one so frank. She grabbed her bag, embarrassed.

“Im sorry I thought you were… someone else.”🥸

She rushes out of the bar, only to hear a voice call after her.

“I’m sorry, Shannon!”

She sighed in the doorway and turned around and went back.

“I’m sorry, honey. I’m a little turned around right now.” She said to Natalie, who just gave a sad smile.

“You’re okay. Just kind of thought you knew.”

“Well, I didn’t. You… don’t exactly look traditionally feminine.”

“Yeah, worked on that for years.” Natalie responded.

Shannon laughed.

“If I may ask… what’s the draw?” Shannon leaned forward and whispered. Natalie leaned forward too, and whispered back.

“First of all, I don’t know why we’re whispering. You’re the only one here who didn’t know I’m gay.”

Shannon snickered and went to light another cigarette. Natalie outstretched a lit lighter.

“Second, I don’t know. I just saw guys in their clothes and thought it looked comfortable. Put em on, and suddenly I just felt like myself.”

“So, you like being confused with a guy?”

“I like being me. If other people confuse me with a man, I’ll just correct them. Although…”

“Although?” Shannon asked, sipping on her water again.

“Its not like I haven’t used he/him pronouns before. Sometimes the girl isn’t ready to be with someone super feminine, sometimes I have to pretend to be a guy in public just so we aren’t harassed.”

“Jesus.” Shannon was playing with her long nails.

“That’s also kind of a no no.” The woman gestured to her nails.

“You’re not allowed to look great as a lesbian?”

Natalie tells Shannon the history of lesbian culture that she needs to know. Doc martins and plaid and all that.

“Too bad.” Shannon mentions into her promised third whiskey. Natalie asks what she means.

“Too bad you’re a woman, I mean.” Shannon smiled. “I’ve liked talking to you, Natalie.

“You can keep talking to me even though I’m a woman, y’know.”

“I’m not a lesbian.”

“You don’t have to be a lesbian to talk to a lesbian. We can still hang if you want. Promise I’ll get no ungentlemanly ideas.”

Shannon agrees.

They get coffee with each other before work every day. It’s a lot of Shannon badmouthing Ryan but sometimes they talk about other things.

They start hanging out at nights at each other’s homes. They start watching shows together. Start ordering food for each other.

Shannon is crying one day when Natalie gets there.

“What’s going on, hon?”

Shannon explains that she has to give Ryan the divorce paperwork to sign and go over everything.

“I can’t face him. Not him and his new woman.”

“…you could always take me.”

Natalie explains to Shannon that she can pretend to be her new girlfriend for the paperwork. Just so that Ryan doesn’t pull any shit about her not having anyone.

“I’ve done this for a few of my straight friends. Guys have fewer questions when their woman shows up with a woman.”

Shannon agrees, taking Natalie up with her to go see Ryan.

He’s shamelessly flirting with Dr. Nathan, who is doing her best to ignore him. Natalie leads Shannon in by her hand.

“Ryan.”

“Shannon.” He acknowledged her as coolly as she did him. He notices Natalie over her shoulder.

“Who’s the dyke?”

Shannon’s face burned.

“This is Natalie. She’s been a lot of help since the divorce.” Shannon throws the papers down at Ryan. “Just give me the house. Not like you’re gonna use it any time soon anyway.”

“Fine.” Ryan starts to sign. His eyes keep getting drawn up towards Natalie, who’s stroking her arm softly. “Oh, I see.”

“I’m betting you’re wrong.”

“No, it’s just that it usually takes women a lot longer to go lez.”

“You’re a pig.”

“Nah, I think I got this figured out.”

“You certainly do,” Natalie jumped in, “if you’re implying your dick put her off men in general.”

Shannon laughed and covered her mouth. She’d spoken back to Ryan dozens of times, but never like that.

Ryan’s face goes red. He signs the forms.

“Yeah yeah, just take the butch and leave.”

Shannon is giggling and holding Natalie’s arm the entire way out.

“The look on his face!” Shannon shrieked, throwing her head back to laugh again. “And I got the house! All thanks to you, Nat.”

“Thanks, Shannon, but that was all you-“

Shannon feels her lips on Natalie’s before she even realizes it was her that leaned forward.

“I… I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

“…you’re good.” Natalie responds with a smile. Shannon catches herself staring again.

“I’m just all turned around right now.”

“That’s okay too.”

“I didn’t mean to-“

“Shannon, it’s okay. I’m here if you want a friend. I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t settle for more. I’ve just learned my lesson getting my hopes up on straight women.”

Shannon thinks for a second, chuckling darkly into her cigarette.

“Why don’t we though?”

“Hmm?”

“Why don’t we go out?”

“… if I’ve not been grossly misinformed thus far, it’s because you’re straight.”

“Am I? I think you’re funny, and sweet, and cute. We get coffee. We call each other over on bad nights. We do everything lovers do except we don’t call it that. Why don’t we just call it that then, if that’s the only thing we’re missing. I don’t know if I’m gay. I just know that if you were a man, I’d have no doubts. So it’s worth a try at least.”

Natalie doesn’t know how to respond. She felt herself falling for a straight woman again.

But Natalie can’t say no to those intense eyes.

Natalie crept a hand around Shannon’s.

“Let’s try it then.”

Shannon was right, they were basically living as lovers.

Natalie would come over with food for Shannon after a bad day. Not that box of chocolates and champagne shit. Natalie brings a gallon of chocolate milk and some cheese its. Soul food.

Shannon gets her period on a date and gets embarrassed.

“Babe, c’mon.”

Natalie makes her a makeshift heat pack and orders tacos.

“Can you go to the store and get me some tampons?”

“…I could do that. Or you could just use mine.”😂

Shannon isn’t butch but is intrigued when her closet just doubled in size. She also likes to dress Natalie.

Natalie is decked out, head to toe in a little black dress and heels.

“Get this off of me, Shanna Banana.”

“You look like my own personal Barbie!”

She comes along physically. The kisses are first. Then some light petting. Then more intense and sexual acts.

“Huh.”

“Yeah?”

“Just realized I’m physically attracted to you.”

“…yay?”

Shannon asks a lot of questions starting with “do lesbians ______?”

Natalie pretends it’s a game show.

“Can this baby gay determine if lesbians are capable of doing something, more after these messages.”

Natalie introduces her to girl showers/baths.

“Even the butchiest butch knows how to set up a good bath for her girl.”

They get a Polaroid and just take pictures of each other to hang around the house.

Historians will say they were best friends.

Shannon still doesn’t get that joke.

They adopt a dog together. Duke the Great Dane.

They love their big tired boy.

Shannon loves going shopping with Natalie. Natalie doesn’t like it as much as Shannon does, but she gets the feeling Ryan wasn’t very supportive of things she liked.

You watch Baseball together. Yankees mostly.

Shannon just likes yelling at the ref.

She finally gets to try making new food. Ryan was a picky eater and Cyril even more so -but she doesn’t blame Cyril for any of that.

Finally gets to try that Romanian place everyone was fussing over.

Shannon likes legos. Likes building the flower models for around the house. She starts building everything they need; pencil holders, jewelry boxes, even a fruit bowl.

She never needs Natalie’s help speaking up for herself again. Shannon’s a tough, Irish bitch. Do something wrong and she’ll let you know.

For the first time in a long time, Shannon was happy. Really happy.

She’d become happy she’d been forced into a divorce. She’d never have met Natalie.

Turned out she was worth it to someone. Just one person. And that’s all she needed. ❤️

Bonus: Shannon’s breakup song with Ryan is No Children, by the Mountain Goats. She sings it at the top of her lungs during karaoke. She always hits the line “I hope that if I found the strength to walk out, you’d stay the hell out of my way” a little harder.

[vex-verlain]

If you happened to spot the MFPE update today and wondered what the “unforeseen circumstances IRL” were:

CW: I don't even know at this point, so just tread carefully. Discussion of death, genetics, medical diagnoses, refusing treatment, etc.

My 52-year-old mother has an aneurysm lurking in her brain. We found out near the beginning of May, and it feels like I have lost an entire month.¹

My mom is only 16 years older than I am. The advantage of having a young mother was supposed to be that she would be here longer. But her father died at age 42 due to a ruptured aneurysm in his anterior cerebral artery. And we know that my mom has Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, a genetic connective tissue disorder that can—among other things—weaken arterial walls.

The aneurysm will rupture. It is a genetic certainty, a dark inevitability, the final inheritance we have been quietly expecting.² The diagnosis of EDS we both share has only solidified this feeling, though we did not know until 2014 that any of our family had the disorder.

“But aren’t aneurysms usually treatable?” you may be asking. Yes, they often are. Yet even now, a month later, we do not know whether hers is treatable. Insurance has denied the follow-up scan at least twice now on a technicality, saying that the doctor’s office failed to provide all the necessary information. And usually, by now, I would have stepped in—I am an expert at dealing with insurance companies, after all—but she doesn’t want me to. Because regardless of the results, my mother is fairly certain she doesn’t want to do anything about the ticking time-bomb in her head.

Her quality of life has declined since 2018 when she suddenly could no longer work (my mother not able to work—the woman who was the textbook definition of a workaholic, the woman who was always busy and always building and always doing). She is terrified of being trapped in a body that brings her nothing but misery, and I do not blame her for it, because my own outlook is much the same.

(...But I am selfish and I don’t want her to die.)

I have been blessed with the perfect mother. She is quirky and amazing and mellow and hilarious and cute and hardworking and kind. She is sanity and stability and comfort and strength and the epitome of everything good and wonderful in this world. In my 35 years on this planet, I have been angry with her once.

I suppose I am gearing up to be angry with her a second time. Because anger is going to be the only thing that can mask the enormous grief I will feel when she is gone.

Anyway. I have made fic writing commitments through July, and those are my only fandom priority at this point. The MFPE is on the back burner, but I will try to get the postcards in the queue sent out to their recipients before the end of June. I know we didn't do our customary Mental Health Month event and I'm sad to say that Rebel and I may not have the spoons to do Holiday Cheer for 2023, either. If we do, it will be announced on on Tumblr (MFPE) and Dreamwidth (MFPE + Fandom Calendar).

FYI, I'm occasionally on Tumblr mindlessly reblogging, but I keep up better with my Dreamwidth reading page.

¹ I don’t believe I’m disassociating. But I have been reading constantly so that I do not have to think. (Fandom is saving my life once again. I read over 2.9 million words of fic in May.)

² Since I was a child, I have never really expected to live past age 60, due to my observations of my family’s longevity. But for some reason I was expecting my mom to be here until I was at least 50. (Hah—apparently I did not absorb the message of Proverbs 27:1 after all, despite the fact I recited it nearly every other Sunday [the KJV, of course] at my paternal grandfather’s cult gospel hall.)

[winns-stuff]

LO RANT:

I didn’t like this chapter. I’m sorry but there’s nothing Hades can say to excuse his behavior, there was no apology or anything it was just him saying “oh my trauma was so bad that I decided to be a fucked up human being just because of that.” I’ve never been so angry in my life because I know there’s gonna be so many people angry and upset at Thanatos and justifying this absolute steaming hot bullshit. I’m so sick of having to sit through Hades getting out on such an untouchable level while his victims are treated like dog shit. Listen, you could sit up here and say “winnie it’s a comic it’s not going to affect anything” but I don’t like how this is looking you guys, a lot of people in this fandom has this weird victim blaming mentality except when it’s someone they like. I don’t like how this comic rewards you for being a hypocrite and blaming people for the way that others treat them just because it’s their faves, too many people in the world do this already. Because it’s their favorite artist or painter or writer or anything they’ll let them do anything to anyone no matter what.

But on a more lighter note I just don’t like how it didn’t feel like a big deal.. Thanatos was finally being listened to by Hades but Hades took up the whole conversation. Once again it’s about his trauma, his backstory, his childhood. He does this shit every fucking chapter I’m so sick and tired of hearing about him.. I’m so completely tired of him always having the spotlight, he does this shit with Persephone too! Like I don’t like how Thanatos has been overlooked, ignored, disrespected, neglected, and mistreated for so long and the one fucking time we have with him finally being heard and he gets the same treatment he’s always been getting. I feel like this could’ve really been his arc, like for once he stood up for himself and expressed his anger at Hades because he deserves to so much. Not only that but I’ll be real with you, I have a feeling that Rachel made Thanatos forgive Hades so easily just to keep Hades in a “good guy” light. I’m sick of that too, I just wish she had him actually do something good guy worthy for once bro, like how hard is it for Hades just to want to do some good things not for himself obviously if it takes all the characters bending over backwards and feeding him more lies about how great he is then he’s not that fucking great.

Also, I just don’t like Daphne. At first in the beginning I thought this was pretty nice (their relationship) and I was really happy for Thanatos because I really thought he’d have someone who would really be there for him. By now looking back I was wrong as hell, Minthe did a better job with their relationship than Daphne did I’m sorry I’m not even being biased but it’s kinda true. I don’t like how Daphne is basically just there to “fix” Thanatos, it’s obvious she doesn’t see him as adequate or even capable enough to do anything and it’s so annoying, like why are the women in this comic (in relationships it seems) there to “fix” the men?? there’s literally nothing wrong with them damn, they just need someone to be there why does that demean them as broken or wrong. I especially hate that Daphne just ignores all of Thanatos’ boundaries and does what she thinks is right for him, that’s so incredibly insensitive on her part. Your boyfriend obviously told you that he doesn’t want to see a certain someone who literally banished him and neglected him half of his childhood and you still let him in?? Who the hell does that shit?

Anyways, the next thing I wanna add is that I just absolutely hate that Hades didn’t even put in any effort. Like are you serious?? Half his life you treated him like a game inventory and you ignored and neglected this CHILD who was abandoned by his mother and your resolution to that was to invite him to one brunch.. Are you fucking serious?? It’s not even a brunch with only him and Thanatos it’s with his brothers too so he won’t even get one on one time with him. Like why is everyone cool with Hades doing that? He’s not even trying to put in effort to show up STILL even after hearing Thanatos out. I’d love for them to at least play golf or something, let Hades ask what Thanatos wants to do, give him a raise, apologize maybe??, bond over fucking gossip I don’t know, let him in on what you want to do with the underworld, do something with him that’s just you and him. Think about it wingnut that’s literally all he’s ever wanted from you, your time and attention. Asshole, like honestly that’s so fucked up I bet that’s the only fucking brunch he’ll be invited to too.

Last thing maybe because this has to be the most pissed I’ve ever been because of a damn chapter in LO yes it’s because Thanatos is involved. My thing is that Hades character flaw, one of many of course, is that he’s infertile and the whole purpose of emphasizing how much his fathers issues affected his life and how much he wants kids it to have one of the climaxes “fixing” his infertility. Me personally, I think the whole thing is pretty fucked up and insensitive, people who are infertile do not need to be fixed they’re regular human beings and they’re fine just the way they are. But my problem is that I hate how he wanted children so badly and when Thanatos was brought into the picture he completely backed off because he felt like it was too difficult, listen I understand the trauma believe me I don’t have the best parents and I worry everyday that if I ever have children I’ll transform into one or even both of them but never will I ever make a child suffer because of that, the child is innocent just like I am and they don’t deserve to be neglected because of my issues. At some point you have to realize that you’re trying so hard not to become your parents that you end up becoming them, you hurt a child and scarred them for life because you were scared and you made that child exactly like you. Listen, I would’ve forgave Hades for this if he didn’t dream about fucking children in his possessed dream or whatever, this is telling us that he still wants to be a father but only to his biological kids. He stopped trying with Thanatos because he was “rude” and “difficult”, newsflash asshole that’s how children are especially when they just got ABANDONED by their own mother and stuck with a stranger to care for them. Like he put no effort into trying to actually do anything fatherly for Thanatos but had the nerve to still want kids of his own, what do you think is going to happen with yours?? It’ll be the same thing. Children are emotional beings they won’t be pleasant all the time and just because they give you a response you don’t like doesn’t mean that it’s okay to just up and stop trying. That’s so stupid, and he doesn’t try and go to therapy for this particular issue or find some advice from people who actually have children he tries nothing he just complains and never tries to make any effort, and Thanatos deserved effort and his future kids deserve them too. You’re supposed to work to not become your parents not just sit there and let your kids experience the worst version of yourself, you know how that feels so why would you do it to someone else?

Anyways, yeah I’ll do the thing later but that’s it’s. I’m just so angry and annoyed it’s unbelievable.

[crimeronan]

can you talk about chronic illness themes in greywaren pretty please I’m so curious what you thought about the conclusion or lack therof

i've had this in my inbox for weeks and keep thinking about it and like. on the one hand i want to answer on the other hand i don't enjoy spending a lot of time talking about things i don't like. but i think i've nailed down the broad shape of my grievances wrt chronic illness real quick, so here's this and moving on

i think the first 2/3rds of greywaren were perfectly suited in tone to what dreamer trilogy had set up and there were Really good questions raised about matthew and jordan and declan and ronan and hennessy, i also think hennessy's arc (and the ronanessy culmination) was the only one that felt like it actually followed through on the chronic illness themes that had been set up. i was very very interested in jordan's thing about the act of creation keeping her awake, there's some good metaphors about artist survival there, tho ymmv. i know a lot of people with chronic fatigue aren't fond of it bc making art is Tiring and sometimes you Cannot Do It but tbh what i didn't get from jordan i got fine from hennessy so. that's all fine. then the last few chapters of the book take a hard transition into "now i have to wrap this whole universe up prettily to avoid rude tweets" and that apparently meant not having any messiness on the page, which is a shame because complex nuanced messiness is where stiefvater's writing most thrives.

adam and ronan's resolution was boring they didn't fix any of the things that were a problem wrt ronan's chronic illness and adam's Everything, joining souls in space is stupid, they already KNEW they loved each other, the love was not the PROBLEM, the problem was that they were on fundamentally incompatible life paths and loving each other DOES NOT MAKE THOSE COMPATIBLE.

declan and matthew's resolution was nonexistent, i'm actually Very Okay with the whole "matthew walks home" plotline but i needed his POV of that journey and i needed WAY more on the page from declan at the end there and i needed WAY more than "i can be fine relying on you guys bc bryde told me i should" when declan's treatment of matthew up til then had shown NO indication that matthew can EVER trust him.

bryde is the sickest person in the series and his end was far too ambiguous for my taste, especially when up to that point he and matthew had been interrogating the EXACT themes i'd wanted to see about what it means to be a dream and to be this kind of chronically ill. like we were almost somewhere there and then we just dropped everything about.... everything.

meanwhile adam is torn apart on the astral for days and days and days but wakes up fine and then bam, we flip forward 4 years and he's normal and there's no indication of any potential issues even tho there were themes traced all the way back to cdth about him and hennessy having similar chronic illnesses (thru lace metaphor). the epilogue firmly establishes that everyone is Better and that they all have stuff Figured Out Now and while i like knowing where people end up, i don't like a resolution that boils down to "and now we never need to struggle again."

i did not like greywaren's takes (or lack thereof) on chronic illness because it felt like we can't exist in a "joyful comfort read" because chronic illness is Bad and the author wants to avoid nasty tweets about doing Bad Things to characters.

i want to know what greywaren would have been if its main purpose had been to carry thru the series themes instead of to make trc fandom shut up and feel pleased about their blorbos and move on. stief talked about how she had to do a lot of rewriting with the dreamer trilogy up through greywaren bc she was so angry about being sick and. i want the angry book. i want the drafts that weren't pared down and rearranged and cut apart and spliced together to appease every normie person who's never felt constant pain or fatigue a day in their lives. the first two books were for me and will always have been for me, they are The Most Personal Books I Have Ever Consumed, but in order for greywaren to be for me, it would have had to Not be for certain people, and. well.

greywaren is for everyone.

so. shrug emoji. i guess.

[dilfdoctordoom]

On Tom Taylor, the Current Nightwing Run & Ableism

I did mention I was gonna do a post about it, so here we are. There are some things I want to make clear before we begin: the issue exploded on Twitter on the very first day of disabled Pride month; disabled people have been discussing the ableism in Taylor’s Nightwing run since it began; nobody has blamed Taylor for what happened to Barbara in 2011. We are, however, blaming him for the way she is written in his series during 2021. 

I am also going to be discussing the ableism in the fandom in this post. The reactions I have seen, from here to Twitter to TikTok, are showing not only a great misunderstanding of the situation, but a purposeful misunderstanding. The very real reasons disabled people are angry right now have been twisted to make us seem ridiculous and overly sensitive and I cannot help but feel that is very intentional.

Another quick addition: disabled people are not a monolith. Barbara Gordon spent over 20 years as a paralyzed wheelchair user. Stating (and I would like to note, never truly showing) that she is a part time cane user now is still erasing her disability. These things are not interchangeable.

So, with that out of the way, let’s begin.

Tom Taylor’s run is ableist. That is a fact of this situation. He made the active choice to include a version of Barbara Gordon that is ableist caricature. Story wise, the role that Barbara plays could have easily been filled by anyone else. There is no real season, within the narrative and outside of it, for Taylor to include this version of Barbara Gordon, who has received a decade of criticism from disabled people. It’s very well known that this iteration is problematic, to put it kindly, and Taylor is aware of that. 

He made the active decision to include her, anyway, showing, at the very least, that he is passively, if not actively, ableist. Passive ableism is still ableism and disabled people are allowed to take issue with that.

That alone is reason enough for disabled people to be angry. But that’s not why things exploded on Twitter.

On July 1st, the very first day of disabled pride month, the new design for Barbara was dropped. After months of teasing Barbara’s return to a wheelchair using Oracle (see: Last Days of The DC Universe, Batgirl (2016), etc), they debuted... a new Batgirl costume that the artist has openly said draws inspiration from the Burnside suit.

There’s a lot of issues to unpack here, so let’s start small: the issue with consciously calling back to Burnside. The Burnside era of Batgirl stories was... beyond awful. The villain of the series’ first arc, was an AI based on Barbara’s brain patterns when she was disabled. It was evil because of all the rage and pain Barbara felt. The actual Barbara, on the other hand, was good -- because she was able bodied. Because her PTSD had been tossed aside. It was a horrifically ableist era that drove the idea that Barbara’s life was terrible when she was disabled; that it was some horrible, twisted secret.

Comics have kept that narrative going. Barbara is seen hiding books on chronic pain; she reacts aggressively to the mere idea that she could be in a wheelchair again, acting like it would be weakness. Whereas Barbara had once been Oracle not because of, but in spite of, her disability, who was fantastic representation for the disabled community, she now acts like it is the most shameful thing in her life.

To call back to Burnside is to call back to that ableism and make no critique of it. If anything, it’s to embrace the ideas of that era.

There is also the design itself to consider. Many people have pointed out the inclusion of a back brace, as if that saves it from ableism -- it does not. Any person who has ever worn a back brace can take one look at this design and know that they did not consult a disabled person. Hell, by how impractical that thing is, I doubt they even Googled a picture of a back brace.

It’s a superficial acknowledgement that Barbara is supposed to be disabled. Something that was apparently thrown in to appease the numerous complaints of Barbara being able bodied; something that no one working on it put any effort into.

When it comes to aids, this is not a new thing for Barbara in Infinite Frontier. She’s said to be using a cane occasionally, that we got a better look at in Batman: Urban Legends, and as any cane user can tell you... that is not a cane that could feasibly be used. It’s another pathetic attempt to acknowledge that Barbara is supposed to be disabled, without actually doing anything of importance.

[IMAGE ID:  A segmented cane with a tri-pointed handle with a wrist strap. There is a stripe across the sections to connection them, labelled “solar battery charger buttons”. The text reads: “telescoping antenna doubles as cane or weapon if needed”. END ID]

Dropping this design (which we have now established to be problematic) on the very first day of disabled pride month is a sickening move. The very first day, and DC has doubled down on their disability erasure, thrown in superficial things like a back brace to act like it’s fine.

Tom Taylor is definitely involved in this, whether you like it not. No, he is not in anyway responsible for the events of the New 52 and what they did to Barbara Gordon, but that does not absolve him of blame for what is currently being done to her in his run.

When the design dropped, it started trending due to disabled fans reactions. To be clear: we were directly calling out the ableism in this design. This was Tom Taylor’s response:

[IMAGE ID: A tweet from TomTaylorMade that says: “Hey, @Bruna_Redono_F I think our new Batgirl suit is getting some attention.” He then adds a winky face emoji and tags @jesswchen and @drinkpinkkink. Attached are a screenshot showing that Batgirl is trending in the United States and a picture of the design itself. END ID]

This is him, bragging about how the disabled community reacted. Perhaps before this tweet, you could’ve made an argument that he was not ableist, but after he flaunted the fact that disabled people were rightly furious over this, like it was something to be proud of? No. If you are defending him, you are a part of the problem.

Taylor has included ableist writing in his Nightwing run, beyond the inherent ableism that comes with the current iteration of Barbara Gordon (whose inclusion, yet again, is his decision).

[IMAGE ID: A panel from Nightwing #79. Barbara and Dick are standing in his apartment. Barbara is saying: “I have some pretty new technology holding my spine together. I’m happy to do most things -- eat pizza in the park, take down low-level thugs -- but leaping from rooftops seems... unwise.” END ID]

What Barbara says in the panel above has bothered a lot of disabled people. The implication that she couldn’t “eat pizza in the park’ and “take down low-level thugs” without a spinal implant that conveniently erases her disability is... fucked up, to put it mildly. Those are both things that Barbara has done in a wheelchair. The first one is something wheelchair users can do and the implication that it’s not is beyond offensive.

But, let’s leave Barbara behind for a moment. I have previously mentioned that disabled people have been discussing the ableism present in this run long before July -- and that ableism is not only centred on Barbara. Dick is also a player in all this.

Dick Grayson was shot in the head. I don’t believe I need to retread the story, but just in case: Dick was shot in the head by KGBeast, developed amnesia from the event, and went by Ric Grayson for a long enough period in comics. If you have been active within the DC fandom for the past year or so, you know all about this controversial storyline and its fallout.

The Ric Grayson arc concluded itself the issue before Taylor became the writer for the series and ever since his tenure has begun, Taylor has completely ignored the reality of Dick being a disabled man. We understand this is comics, that things do not function the way they do in our world, but still -- it is clear that this gunshot wound to the head has affected Dick massively. We had an entire arc dedicated to how he struggled to find himself in the aftermath.

Taylor is choosing to write Dick as an able-bodied man, despite his canonical injuries and how they would impact his life.

This man is choosing to give empty gestures towards Barbara being a disabled woman (as discussed above, the completely dysfunctional back brace, etc) whilst writing her as able-bodied as possible. He writes both Dick and Barbara as able bodied as humanly possible. That is ableist. He is ableist. This is the same man that said he made a dog disabled ‘in honour of Barbara’. I do not think I need to elaborate on why that is bad.

The least he could’ve done, was get a sensitivity reader. We know that Taylor is not beyond getting people from marginalized communities to consult on his work (see: Suicide Squad), so why, when writing two characters that should be disabled, one that the disabled community have been criticising for a decade, does he not reach out to a single disabled person? A mere Google search could’ve improved the situation massively. In both the new design and the current writing, it is beyond clear that this is not just an able-bodied person writing it -- it’s an ableist person.

He could have listened to the numerous disabled fans that spoke out. Instead, he chose not only to refuse to do that, but to describe justifiable anger as ‘raging’. He treated us like we were crazy for daring to speak out about blatant ableism being parading around of us in our pride month.

Tom Taylor has failed to do the bare minimum and in doing so, he is, at very, very least, guilty of complicity. Again: passive ableism is still ableism.

The argument at hand is not just about Barbara Gordon and the continuing ableism that shines out from her current writing. The argument is about the treatment of disabled characters in his run. It has also become about the way he treats physically disabled people.

We also can’t have this conversation without acknowledging the fandom’s role in it all. I waited a day to write this up, to allow all the reactions to flood in... and I am sickened.

We have everything across the board. Able-bodied people that have actually listened to disabled people, who have supported us (which is deeply appreciated). Able-bodied people who may have had good intentions, but a skewed sense of the situation and perpetuating some of the more insidious lies being spread around (IE. that this is only about the new costume).

There are, obviously, the ableist reactions, though, that we will be discussing here. People deeming the current issues as ‘crazy’, calling disabled people ‘overly sensitive’ and ‘delusional’. Many people have completely glossed over the examples given for why Taylor, specifically, is ableist, and instead have resorted to telling disabled people that we are wrong and should be mad at DC instead.

It’s important to note that Tom Taylor is an adult man. He doesn’t need a fandom to attack disabled people for daring to call him out. He is not the victim in this situation; he has, for quite a few disabled people, been the aggressor.

I have seen claims that Infinite Frontier is a ‘slow burn’, implying that disabled people need to patient... as if we have not waited a decade for less ableist writing. There is a complete refusal from able-bodied fans to actually listen to what disabled people are saying. They would much rather rush to the defence of the (honestly rather mediocre) current Nightwing run. 

Disabled fans know that comic book spaces are ableist. We know that both DC and Marvel and many of their writers are ableist. We are still allowed to be pissed as hell about it and acting like the current reaction being had right now is disabled people being ‘overdramatic’ is yet another example of how the able-bodied side of the fandom both refuses to listen to and undermine disabled people when we call out ableism.

We know it when we see it. We always do and we always will and we will always be able to recognize it far faster than an able-bodied person. If this many disabled fans are coming out and talking about an issue, calling it ableism, then it’s time for you shut up and listen.

Stop being a part of the problem and start supporting disabled fans for once.

[ursie]

What is really annoying about fandom is when they see something with the Oracle logo and try to say that Barbara is being Oracle. Like she’s not Oracle if DC continues to write her as both Oracle and Batgirl, but most importantly if all they use is her logo and not have Babs as a wheelchair user. Babs being in a wheelchair is the literally the most important part of her being Oracle. I’m not settling for fandom’s cheap version of “well this cover is giving Oracle vibes” like no. And in addition to that I saw a tweet that said : The Nightwing/Batgirls Mora covers could've been a leftover to celebrate Babs as Batgirl for it (as there are A LOT of Babs covers in Dec). But like all of Barbara’s Batgirl covers have Nightwing beside her... so much for highlighting Barbara as her own hero like... I’m just angry that Barbara isn’t being taken seriously and is reverted to Batgirl. And another thing that pisses me off about those covers is that Babs is little and tiny compared to Dick. She was a full woman when Dick was Robin 😭 but fr people need to shut up and need to be angry about how Barbara’s disability is treated because so many people in fandom won’t say shit as long as she’s next to their favorite fictional crush Dick Grayson. Like y’all don’t care about disability because of y’all did y’all would be so damn angry about her treatment in both Batgirls and Nightwing.

👆☝️👆

Literally I have nothing to add people are so hypocritical about them it’s all up in arms about things that effect them but god forbid people care about Physically Disabled people 😭 but yknow making Babs a real character again means everyone won’t be able to self insert themselves w Dick again. However will we survive 😔 literally I’m so done with their fandoms and current writing like ableism aside you cannot be reading batgirls or Taylor’s Nightwing and telling me you think it’s good like. It’s utter shit. Literally just constant secondhand embarrassment and the most juvenile writing of an adult relationship I’ve seen in comics period like. Genuinely embarrassing for the characters and fans alike

[teawiththegods]

Zeus appreciation!!! I’m here for it. Along with Demeter, I think he’s one of the gods whose most understood in modern times. I don’t worship Big Poppa (yet) but I love hearing you talk about him because it’s so heartwarming. What is it that you’re thinking about Hera overthrowing him? Now I’m curious 🧐 - Rose Eleusis

I absolutely agree that Zeus and Demeter are the most misunderstood gods in modern times. Interestingly enough that is one of the biggest reasons the whole fandom around Hades and Persephone annoys me so much. Because Hades specifically is receiving all this love at the expense of both Demeter and Zeus. People apparently can reshape and reimagine Hades all day long but give NONE of that same treatment to Zeus and for Demeter she gets demonized and erased in order for Hades to thrive. It just…yeah it fucking bothers me. As much as I know it shouldn’t because I can’t change it but, idk. The fact that people come into our spaces and shit on Zeus while fangirling over an imaginary Hades…I just can’t.

Anyway, we’re not here for me to rant about Hades and Persephone for the billionth time. We’re here to talk about Hera and how fucking badass and terrifying she is!

Okay so I’m gonna be talking about Blood of Zeus so spoiler warning in case you haven’t seen it yet!

What I absolutely LOVED about the Hera and Zeus dynamic in the show is that it really highlighted how precarious Zeus’ position really is especially when Hera is pissed off. As I mentioned in one of the previous asks, Zeus leads by example. He has to be the epitome of what he expects others to be. This isn’t just my opinion, it’s actually found in The Iliad. Zeus’ knows his beloved son is fated to die and he is truly heartbroken. So much so he wants to break his own rule to save him but Hera (very important detail!) reminds me that if he saves his son then the other gods will take that as permission for them to rescue their children (Tho funny enough Aphrodite is already doing that bc the ho can’t be stopped! She does what she wants! And that’s another whole ass discussion! 🤣). So here we see the devastating constraints put on Zeus as the leader of not only the Olympians but the Fates. It’s up to him to do the right thing even if it means sacrificing his loved ones because if he doesn’t the entire world order would collapse. And Hera being the one to remind him showcases that she knows all this very well!

So now we go to Blood of Zeus where Hera plays this card BEAUTIFULLY! She knows her husband, while being a just, logical, and strategic ruler, is also a romantic, passionate, and soft soul (I mean look at Apollo and Ares). It’s hard for him to deny that side of himself especially when someone has triggered it within him. So she knew he would break his own rule and get involved with humanity. She was waiting for it and once it happened she threw her husband to the wolves. The other gods, holding Zeus in high regard, are disappointed and angry with their king. How dare he tell them to do something but not follow through himself. And with that, the mutiny begins just as Hera knew it would.

Blood of Zeus also has one of my all time favorite lines:

“Only a fool would trust Hera.” – Zeus

“No. Only a fool would anger her.” – Poseidon

Exactly this!! As I showed above, Hera has the power to dethrone Zeus if she chooses. And Zeus knows this which is why she is his Queen. Think of chess (I always use this example when talking about Zeus and Hera) and how the most powerful piece on the board isn’t the King, but the Queen. In order to get to the King you have to eliminate his Queen. And that’s exactly how Zeus and Hera operate. She guards and protects Zeus, not just from outside forces but most importantly from himself. Again remember she was the one to remind him of how dire his actions could be if he gave into his emotions.

So yeah pissing her off would essentially turn that terrifying power against Zeus which is what happens in Blood of Zeus. Zeus and Hera are basically the epitome of “Happy wife, Happy life” 😂 Though idk if I’d actually call Zeus’ existence “happy” but we are all able to live happy lives because of the sacrifices both Zeus and Hera make. Which is why they are our King and Queen. We owe everything to them. ❤️

[yiling-daddy]

Yes, that was me! I can definitely expand on my thoughts re: how Madam Yu’s behaviour reads differently to me due to my traditional, Chinese upbringing.

There is a lot of subjectivity as to whether Madam Yu can be read as abusive, and this reading is often influenced by culture—hence you often see completely off-base takes floating around. However, to me, the way that cultural context influences the reading will actually change depending on the relationship, so I will discuss each one separately. Most of the culturally insensitive takes are about her being an abusive or uncaring mother (she’s not), or that she’s a spurned woman (it’s more complicated than that), so you can skip down to the JC, JYL, and CSSR sections for that.

Madam Yu and Wei Wuxian

As a trend, I think western fandom tends to simplify Wei Wuxian’s dynamic with the Jiang family into an entire adopted family. Consequently, Yu Ziyuan gets perceived as this two-dimensional, evil stepmom figure—but I think this doesn’t capture the truth.

There’s a bit more variability among Chinese audiences when they read the Jiang family dynamic, partly due to our deeper familiarity with wuxia tropes, but mostly because there's a mediocre Netflix translation colouring the western interpretation. Though many Chinese fans do view them all as a sort of family unit and read Madam Yu as a stepmother, I do not. To me, Jiang Fengmian and Jiang Yanli view Wei Wuxian as family—but Madam Yu does not. Madam Yu views him as a servant, a disciple of the sect, and an outsider at the dinner table—and it’s not wrong for her to do so. It’s not gracious, but it’s not unfounded. I don’t think Wei Ying ever gives any indication that he views her as a mother, either.

If you agree that they don’t have anything like a mother-son relationship, all these insults/complaints that Yu Ziyuan levels at him—that he’s the “son of a servant”, that Jiang Fengmian is weird for openly favouring Wei Wuxian over his own son, etc.—these start to make sense? Like, it’s shitty to listen to, but none of it is wrong. Suddenly it reads less like pointless insults and more like actual points.

Additionally, if we consider that Wei Wuxian is a disciple of the sect who goes around and raises the ire of the Wen clan, corporal punishment suddenly looks very normal (again, within the culture). Hence, when I watched the donghua and CQL, I hated seeing Wei Wuxian getting whipped, but I didn’t perceive this as abuse—especially because of the political nature of the decision.

But it is definitely still possible to mistreat a disciple.

In CQL, you see Madam Yu throwing an unnecessary amount of vitriol at Wei Ying. In the novel extras, it's revealed that she regularly whipped him but never whipped the other disciples, indicating that it wasn't normal corporal punishment. She also whipped him for absurdly stupid reasons. To me, this signals that she tended to abuse her authority over him. Even if you don’t view her as an abusive mother to Wei Ying, it's fair to read her as an abusive authority figure.

Importantly however, "abuse" is a loaded word suggesting a violation of social norms, and again, the situation is complicated because the social norms of the setting don't match those of the modern world. Madam Yu is not overstepping her bounds as master of Lotus Pier—hence, people do not think very much of this treatment in-universe, including Wei Ying himself.

Madam Yu, Jiang Cheng, and Jiang Yanli

Okay, when I first watched CQL, I cringed when Madam Yu started dragging her family because she sounded like My Actual Chinese Mother. I felt for a second like I had transmigrated into Jiang Cheng’s body and I was experiencing his agony firsthand!

Madam Yu reads very realistically, and I think this is why it gets personal for a lot of Chinese people when this fandom discusses her character. Yes, she belittles and hurts her children for their perceived failures, but many Chinese people can tell you that this is just a common parenting style. And while it might look like bullying to an outsider, this behaviour is usually motivated by love. It is often also motivated by fear that the child’s future will be substandard. This is textually obvious when you consider what exactly Madam Yu yells about:

She snaps at Yanli to stop peeling lotus pods, because she shouldn’t act like a servant. If Yanli keeps behaving so passively, what kind of role is she going to fall into in the future—especially given that she is not a cultivator?

She berates Jiang Cheng for always being inferior to Wei Wuxian no matter what he does. If Jiang Cheng is constantly overshadowed by Wei Wuxian, what will that mean for his future as sect leader? Or his future status and reputation among the sects?

I can do these Chinese Mom Translations because parents in real life will actually say things like this out of concern for their children (insults included), in an attempt to motivate them... and it really does light a fire under our asses. I attribute many of my personal successes to this parenting style. Thus, when I see posts like “Madam Yu didn’t show any sign of caring for others” or "Madam Yu was a purely selfish and arrogant person" or “Madam Yu is an abusive mother and nothing else"—well, I can tell most of these people are not Chinese, or if they are, then they likely did not have a traditional upbringing.

While I don't think these uninformed readings of Madam Yu are necessarily racist, I do think they they are unpleasant for Chinese fans to constantly see. For those of us in the west that had this type of upbringing, we often struggle with trying to frame and process our relationships with our parents. For me, this was partly due to the emotional baggage of my upbringing (Jiang Cheng winning!!!)... but it was also because white society kept telling me that my parents didn't give a shit about me when obviously they did. That’s fucked up to experience. It reeks of cultural imperialism. Thus, when I see Chinese people getting annoyed at these Madam Yu takes, I’m not surprised. This is unfortunately a fictional discussion that very much resembles a real one for us.

Yu Ziyuan, Jiang Fengmian, and Cangse Sanren

A lot of people view Madam Yu as a spurned woman and assume that is her motivation for constantly antagonizing Wei Wuxian and her husband. But because I assume that a lot of her chaotic yelling stems from her concerns as an Actual Chinese Mother, my take is different.

Remember the scene where Madam Yu catches Jiang Fengmian scolding Jiang Cheng just after praising Wei Wuxian? She drags Jiang Cheng up to his father and, in both CQL and the donghua, says something to this effect (paraphrased from memory):

This is your son, the future master of Lotus Pier! Even if you don’t like him because he was born to me, his surname is still Jiang!

And in CQL, she also says this right after berating Jiang Cheng for not measuring up to Wei Wuxian:

But it’s not your fault. Your mother is no match for his mother.

Yu Ziyuan isn’t angry about Cangse Sanren because she’s jealous; she is angry about Cangse Sanren because she thinks Jiang Fengmian’s feelings for her are jeopardizing his competence as a father to Jiang Cheng. Viewed in this light, it also makes sense why Yu Ziyuan is hostile to Wei Wuxian in a way that alienates him from the family—constantly calling him the son of a servant, pointing out the rumours about his parentage, etc. She’s not doing this because she hates Cangse Sanren or Wei Wuxian; she’s doing it because Wei Wuxian’s presence in the family is threatening Jiang Cheng’s future in her eyes.

Bonus: Did Yu Ziyuan love Jiang Fengmian?

Yes! In both the donghua and CQL (I ashamedly admit I don’t clearly remember the novel), I thought their final moments made it quite evident that they cared for each other. They fought together, died together to protect their home, and reached out to one another in their final moments.

But when I rewatched Madam Yu’s scenes in CQL and the donghua, I realized we got other hints that westerners probably missed. I'll focus on CQL:

Right before Jiang Fengmian sets off with Yanli for Lanling, Madam Yu sees them off. She gives Yanli some snacks and then—without making eye contact with Jiang Fengmian—says that she’s also giving them medicine in case someone gets a headache. Jiang Fengmian pauses, because it’s obviously for him.

This is recognizable behaviour for a lot of Chinese people. I can’t tell you how many times my mother got apoplectic at me, and then the only follow-up was her going out of her way to make me my favourite meal. The chaotic yelling you see between Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan is also pretty typical to many Chinese parents, and again, the follow-up in my household was often one of them going out of their way to do something for the other.

This is just how the culture is in a lot of families. “Sorry” isn’t expressed in words; it's expressed in actions. “I love you” isn’t expressed in words; it’s expressed in actions. In Chinese culture, the dominant love language is acts of service. It's fleeting, but we get glimpses of that kind of love between Yu Ziyuan and Jiang Fengmian. 

[greensaplinggrace]

So you mentioned in another post that you have some strong thoughts on Baghra, especially about how the story frames her as one of the good guys. I would love to hear about it.

@youremotionallystablefriend: I would love to hear you rant about Baghra if you feel like it (and haven’t already)! Personally I don’t think she gets enough constructive critique in the fandom for being the one that brought Aleks up and for the way she treated her pupils and especially Alina :/

Anon: Hello! I love your thoughts on the grisha books. I'm actually interested to hear your take on Baghra

@misku-nimfa: If you are up for it, I would love to read your thoughts on Baghra or your full critique of society in the Grishaverse. Your analysis is really well structured and interesting! ^.^

Anon: Hi! I saw your recent post and was wondering if you'd share more of your thoughts on Baghra?

---

Hello everyone! I was honestly very surprised to see so many people interested in my thoughts on Baghra? I'll share what I can, but please know that this is by no means a full breakdown of her character! It’s just some Thoughts I’ve had, and they’re mostly centered around show Baghra because that’s how I was first introduced to her character. Although IMO book Baghra might actually be even worse.

I’d like to preface this by saying that many of my issues with the treatment of Baghra as a character in fandom come from the wild double standard there seems to be regarding her and the Darkling. Darkling Antis and a vast majority of the people in this fandom who don’t like his character have a disturbing habit of absolutely ripping into the Darkling for all of his faults and then turning around and treating Baghra as some sort of pristine mother figure for the exact same shit.

They’ll talk about how badass she is, how strong she is, how they sympathize with her past (although they’ll continue to dehumanize the Darkling and refuse to sympathize with his own past) and sympathize with the fact that she has to deal with the Darkling (who’s always referred to as a monster she must corral or control, as if he is inhumane and beastly. These particular comments always take on the very distinct tone of victim blaming as well). They’ll laud her for all of these “powerful girlboss” moments as if they aren’t carbon copies of the Darkling’s own behavior - as if they aren’t things Baghra herself taught him. Which is why this is the wildest double standard of all to me, because every horrible action they praise Baghra for is something she taught the Darkling, and something they cannot stand to see in him as well.

It’s as if there’s a disconnect between their consumption of the literature when it comes to the two characters, and I’m of the opinion that it’s largely because Baghra is a woman and a mother and therefore infantilized in the fandom quite a bit. In fact, Bardugo herself often infantilizes many of her female characters in her writing. This is mostly through the process of excusing their terrible deeds, not allowing them to do anything remotely dark, or brushing any morally grey actions under the rug without ever touching upon them. Which puts me in the strange position of knowing I’m supposed to sympathize with Baghra for having to deal with the monster she’s created, and instead feeling resentful of the fact that this bitter woman is held up as this wise old strict teacher instead of the abusive mentor/mother she should have been.

Now, here’s what I said to make so many of you send me asks:

Last note, in reference to your first line, and also probably a pretty unpopular opinion. I do not like Baghra. And it legit has nothing to do with the Darkling or with Alina, I just don't like her "I'm going to hit you and berate you and emotionally abuse you and manipulate you and act like the good guy at the end of it" vibe she's got going on. At least Aleksander is acknowledged as the villain within the narrative. Idk wtf Baghra is on but it's absolutely wild to me that people aren't more critical of her actions. Which is, rather fortunately for you, another rant I will save for another post if anybody ever wants to hear it lol. (but like kudos to Baghra's actress. I loved the character as a character, I just don't like the way she's framed as a good guy. Weird. Uncomfortable. She literally set bees on the kids she was teaching).

This basically summarizes most of my thoughts on Baghra as a character and how she’s portrayed. I touched on it a bit above, but the way she’s able to get away with so much and not suffer under heavier critique is honestly baffling to me. There should be a lot more criticism of her out there in the fandom. This is the woman who abused her students and neglected her son. Although to be honest I don’t even know how to quite describe the emotionally neglectful yet unhealthily codependent bond she fostered in him from a young age. IMO, Baghra’s behavior around Aleksander is creepy, and I know she has a history that makes it more understandable, but it’s still incredibly disconcerting to witness.

But let’s get back on track! First of all, her students. Whom she physically, emotionally, and mentally abuses. She’s derisive, she’s insulting, she’s belittling. She works hard to strip them of any self confidence they may have. She uses pain as a means of triggering powers. And the strict teacher excuse doesn’t fly. The “it’s only a training method!” excuse is even worse. This is literal abuse she’s heaping on her students and it’s wretched.

The first thing she does to Alina when they first meet is insult her. Then she hits her. Then she kicks her out.

Second time they interact is a montage. Baghra hits Alina multiple times. She shames her. And then when Alina actually calls a light she tells her it’s not nearly enough, effectively wiping the smile off of her face and every sign of self confidence that had been building. Then we see the door to Baghra’s hut shut in Alina’s face. So now she has been bruised, battered, berated, stripped of all self confidence, and then banished again. As training methods go, this is not only entirely ineffective, but it’s also just abusive.

Then we get this interaction between Alina and her friends:

Marie: One time, Baghra released a hive of bees on me. Nadia: Worst part is, it worked. Marie: It really did. I could summon at will after that.

Which is fucking horrifying and not talked about nearly enough. That goes beyond hitting your students. Baghra used a fear tactic on a young girl to activate her powers. She literally tortured Marie to make her powers work.

Alina throughout this conversation is looking very disheartened. She’s lacking in any self confidence and the comment about the bees has clearly affected her. For someone who’s first words to Alina were “Everyone believes that you are the one. Come back when you believe it too,”  Baghra doesn’t exactly seem keen on Alina actually believing she’s the one. If she did, she wouldn’t be stripping her of every positive emotion associated with sun summoning.

Let’s not forget that Baghra demeans Alina multiple times for her status as an orphan. How she utilizes what she knows of Alina’s emotional weaknesses to provoke her and discourage her and make her angry.

And then Baghra drugs her without consent. To take advantage of any information Alina gives her in that state. To use the way Alina reacts for her own ends.

Because why else would she say this?:

Alina: We planned to run away together. Baghra: You had plans. Perhaps he never did, because where is he now?

Which is, strangely enough, the same sense of isolation and separation from Mal and her past that Aleksander is attempting to foster. Weird how mother and son are both using the same manipulation tactics.

In fact, why does Baghra never tell Alina about the letters until she’s already engaged with Aleksander? Baghra must have known he was taking them. Alina talks about it enough. Baghra must have known he was isolating her from Mal. How could she not, when it’s revealed later that she has spies in the Little Palace collecting information on him? How could she not, when she knows he’s the villain from the beginning - when she knows he’s manipulating Alina?

Baghra knows, and yet she keeps the same lies Aleksander does and furthermore uses that information to make Alina feel even more isolated and weak. Baghra literally just piggy-backs on Aleksander’s manipulation and then exacerbates it. She wants Alina to feel no attachments to her past because she wants to use Alina as well. But for some reason, because this manipulation and treatment of Alina as some sort of tool is done by the woman who opposes the Darkling, it’s suddenly okay. As if it still isn’t the same terrible shit but with a different perpetrator. I mean damn, at least Aleksander feels something for Alina. Baghra’s just cold.

So, point by point. Baghra mentions how Mal doesn’t care for Alina, she mentions Alina’s failings constantly, she mentions Alina being an orphan, she constantly hits her, she guilts Alina about orphans dying, she works to instill a sense of isolation from her friends and her family.

And when Alina finally comes to Baghra, having decided to abandon her attachments to her past and her attachments to Mal, the words that ring in her head are Baghra's words - “needing anyone else is weak.”  Which is honestly just a horrible sentiment in general, but an even worse one when considering how hard these people are working to detach Alina from anybody who can help her or give her an outside perspective.

Strangely, it’s also similar to this line:

The problem with wanting, is that it makes us weak.

...which is spoken by Baghra’s son. You know, the Darkling? Our big bad villain? The one Baghra raised?

Which gives me the impression that Baghra’s teaching methods with her students are really not that far off from the teaching methods she used on him as he was growing up. It’s a horrifying thought, and leads into my problems with her relationship with Aleksander.

First of all, show wise. What the fuck.

Aleksander: They’re punishing us for being Grisha. Baghra: Punishing you. You made him afraid. Now he wants you to fear him. Aleksander: I won a war for him. Baghra: And in doing so, started a war on us.

I get that she’s trying to convey how the king feels here, but it still feels incredibly victim blamey from a narrative standpoint. It isn’t Aleksander’s fault the king fears him when he used his powers under the King’s banner to help him win a war. Aleksander trusted this man who betrayed him and then betrayed his people, and we get a line from his mother, entirely unsympathetic, talking about how it’s his fault all of these people are dying.

Baghra: Where’s the girl, your healer? Aleksander: Dead. She died because of me. Baghra: She died because they always do. They’re not as strong as you and me.

Baghra’s use of the term ‘girl’ and ‘healer' here instead of Luda is pretty telling. She either doesn’t like Luda or doesn’t care for her. Either way, this is the woman her son loves, and Baghra talks about her so dispassionately. Then he comments on Luda’s death and there’s no reaction except to say that they always do.

Like, her son is literally broken up over here. Grieving. Desperate. Run ragged. Caged and hunted. Feeling guilty as hell. Mind running through a million different ways he could possibly save all of these people. And Baghra offers him nothing except a paltry “people die, get over it, we’re better than that, she didn’t matter anyway.”

Honestly, how is Aleksander even still functioning at this point? He has no support system and he’s working against a king and his army to protect a group of civilians he could easily abandon to save himself. The sheer amount of responsibility and mental strain keeping track of a group alone entails is already monstrous, but adding in every other factor? The recent death of Luda, the fact that they’re cornered and they’ve been hunted down while fleeing across the land, the fact that he was just a couple hours ago forced to his knees and entirely at these men’s mercy, begging for Luda’s life. And here his mother is, if anything a negative support system. Offering no other ideas, telling him to give up hope, not even offering the barest smidgeon of emotional support as he grieves, putting everything on his shoulders.

It pisses me the fuck off.

Aleksander: You’re the one who taught me how to kill, mother. Their blood is on your hands as much as mine.  Baghra: I taught you so you could protect yourself. Not them.

Once more, Baghra highlights how he needs to protect himself. How he should abandon the people he’s protecting. How he shouldn't help others and only ever himself. Once more, she says it’s my way or the high way. There’s zero effort to work with him. Zero effort to sympathize or compromise. She’s constantly pushing him to take the one option she knows he won’t take. The hell did she think was going to happen?

Also, Baghra taught him how to kill. Not necessarily great parenting, but understandable given the circumstances of his upbringing. But the level to which she takes it is honestly concerning. Like, look no further than this woman to see where Aleksander got it from lol.

Baghra also forbids him from using Merzost. Which is great and all, she gets to claim the moral high ground. But she doesn’t offer a single alternative except to flee and let everybody die. There was legitimately no other option to Merzost except for torture and death. If there was, Baghra sure as hell didn’t help Aleksander come up with one. Aleksander, who - by the way - is in no fit emotional state to be making any kind of decision right now.

So anyways, that’s just my tv show grief regarding Baghra, and it’s not even really all of it. I don’t want to make this an hour long read though lmao. But I’ll go over a few other things.

First of all, Baghra’s whole “We’re the only two that matter. We have to do whatever we can to protect ourselves,” mentality is one that she actively touts to Aleksander on a regular basis when he’s incredibly young. It’s honestly a wonder he grows up to care about other people at all. But the mentality itself is something Aleksander still heavily internalized in regards to protecting himself and those he deems worthy at any cost.

There’s a moment in the books when Aleksander is attacked and nearly drowned by some kids who wanted his bones (one of which was a close friend of his). He uses the cut in self defense and then blames the nearby Otkazat’sya village. Baghra knows he’s lying, and yet she allows an entire village to get slaughtered for harming him. This is a disproportionately violent act that Baghra approves of, and Aleksander as a kid is definitely internalizing that mindset.

Also, Baghra’s behavior around Aleksander has always been weirdly possessive and controlling. Especially when it comes to the people he loves. Her actions often come across as her trying to isolate him in order to keep him by her side, even when the relationships he has are clearly intimate. Which... is especially strange for a mother to be doing to her son.

She was also an extremely emotionally neglectful mother. Based on the show and what I gathered from her actions there, I’m actually half convinced she was physically abusive as well, in that “I think I’m being a stern, good parent figure when in reality I’m actually harming my child” kind of way. She fosters codependence with her son and then refuses to provide for any of his emotional needs. She drives it into his head that everybody dies, that he’ll always be alone, that love is useless and power is everything. She denies him the opportunity to be soft and works to harden him at a young age. She tells him he must never allow people to touch him, except she doesn’t work to supplement those physical needs in any way. She essentially abuses him.

Honestly, I could go on. But in reality the simple fact is that I just don’t like her. I think she’s a hypocrite. I think she’s abusive. I think she’s a terrible mentor and an even worse mother. And I think the fandom and the books are willing to brush aside so many of her faults simply because she opposes the Darkling.

I’m sorry if this isn’t what you guys were looking for! It sounds like a lot of you wanted a more of a sophisticated breakdown, but my thoughts on Baghra come with a heap of emotional baggage lol. It feels weird to say this now, but I actually do like the character as a character, I just,,, don’t like her in every other aspect. My feelings on Baghra are just a bit personal, to be honest. But hopefully this was at least comprehensible??

[chainofclovers]

Nate the Great

Hello, I am here because I cannot stop thinking about Nathan Shelley and the many things that are Happening with him. Spoiler-cut for spoilers through Ted Lasso 2x8 and speculation based on conversations w/@bristler, other people in the fandom, a really great interview with Nick Mohammed, and the endless barrage of thoughts in my head!

In 1x7, when Nate gets his chance to roast the players before their match in Liverpool, I both delighted and cringed at the moment. Nate's big moment gets the intended results--he riles up the players by hitting them where it hurts, and that energy nets Ted and the team a much-needed win. But I've always felt that part of why Nate is allowed to deliver his speech in such an uncensored way has a lot to do with Ted's shame that he got drunk and snapped at Nate the night before. It took vulnerability for Nate to decide to slip his thoughts about the team underneath Ted's door, and Ted wasn't in a position to recognize that act for what it was; Ted makes Nate feel weak, and that's got to be crushing coming from someone who's become a mentor and friend. At the same time, Ted is starting to evolve into a person who understands winning is important, so he makes the call that's going to help the team win...and ends up unwittingly rewarding the crueler parts of Nate in the process.

Fast forward to season 2, and Nate still hasn't learned the difference between vulnerability and weakness. The people in his life who understand the difference haven't fully comprehended how much Nate needs to learn it, and they haven't taught him, and Nate's own feelings of self-worth are so bound up in external factors that he's not able to pick it up by osmosis, either.

So now I can't stop thinking about the moment in 2x8 when Higgins and the coaches huddle before the big match and Ted tells everyone he's been having panic attacks. Everyone goes around and spontaneously shares something they've been keeping to themselves, and each person's admission feels like an act of solidarity. Vulnerability. But Nate sees weakness, and his own admission is actually about his ability to be calculating--his ability to make an idea feel spontaneous.

I keep imagining a moment when fame- and power-hungry Nate gets an opportunity to be in the spotlight, and I imagine another moment like the locker room scene in 1x7. A moment with spontaneous-feeling energy that's actually totally calculated. And this time, instead of a cringe-y moment easily forgotten because it brought victory, this moment could be devastating and profoundly regrettable.

Because what if Nate tells the press his own version of the vulnerable stories his friends and colleagues shared in confidence. The weak versions of their vulnerability.

In my imagined version of Nate's words to the press, Ted isn't a man seeking treatment for his panic disorder; he's unfit to coach due to untreated mental illness. Roy isn't an impatient person who doesn't bother to read the coaching reports Ted, Beard, and Nate put together; he's a star whose ego allows him to coast on fame without having to bother with the details of the team. Higgins isn't a harried, office-less professional who messed up a timezone; he's inept and in over his head and sabotaged the roster of the team. Beard isn't a normally-perceptive coach who made a mistake with the mushroom tea because he's being abused by his girlfriend and lacks his usual support system; he's a drug user who lets his personal relationships get in the way of his professional responsibilities.

There's a grain of truth to everything Nate says, but he's lacking the spirit of why he has this information, the context of vulnerability, the preciousness of this one oasis of connection between coaches who are currently disjointed.

I know there's a lot of talk about the relationship between Sam and Rebecca and the Dubai Air and Bantr sponsorships and how those could be a big issue in the press. I definitely think that's a big possibility, but everyone involved in that subplot has a support system. They have a place to land no matter how bad things get, and the show already does a great job depicting how incredibly cruel and unfair the British press can be about personal matters.

This stuff with Nate, though...while the coaches do have a support system and people they can trust, all those connections seem so much more tenuous. And Nate isn't able to trust anyone right now, least of all himself. So the more abusive he gets, he could really fuck a lot of people over, and he might be the one who gets the most hurt in the end.

There's a lot to appreciate about the interview with Nick Mohammed linked above, but I want to particularly call out the fact that he points out that in s1, when he's angry with Rebecca, he calls her a "shrew." I knew that wasn't just a throwaway line, a moment of casual misogyny overlooked, somehow, by the multi-gender writers' room. It was absolutely intentional, absolutely a sign of how far he can go even on a dime when he's upset. He also points out the importance of Rebecca telling him early in s2 that he deserves what he wants. Imagine the irony of that coming back to haunt her if Nate betrays the team (and Rebecca by extension), or if he hurts Rebecca again more personally. I also appreciate that Mohammed lets us know that he's not going to die in season 2 and that he has a storyline in season 3.

I just think there's going to be a lot of pain on the way there.

(This show is so good. Even if it goes nothing like what I'm predicting here, I have every confidence that the betrayal arc is going to be intense and earned.)

[crossdressingdeath]

"Boys will be boys" logic is interesting since WWX himself basically uses that exact excuse in the book when he tells LWJ not to take JC's homophobic rant/assault seriously in the ancestral hall bc that's just how JC is, as if WWX himself wasn't furious when JC targeted LWJ in that scene. A lot of WWX's famed unreliable narration is rationalizing the crazy shit JC does but sometimes people tend to take it at face value.

Yes, exactly! That is such a huge thing. WWX spends so much time telling himself (and through himself the audience) that oh, it can’t be helped when JC mistreats him, JC is just like that, it’s totally fine, he doesn’t mind, and we see how that viewpoint was encouraged and strengthened by the people around him, especially JYL (sorry Shijie but it’s true). Hell, you could argue that this particular aspect of his character was entirely her doing, given YZY just thinks he should be subordinate to JC in all things and JFM mostly ignores JC’s behaviour; it’s just JYL going for the “oh boys will be boys, you’re strong and always smiling, you can take it” angle.

...Actually, let’s go into that a bit more because it very much gets buried under the “best sister” shit; I am prepared to argue that JYL consistently taking JC’s side did serious damage to WWX. Like, she was the only Jiang who consistently showed him affection and support and he convinced himself that it was unconditional! But the “unconditional” aspect was an illusion entirely based on his ability to consistently and convincingly pretend that JC wasn’t hurting him. WWX isn’t stupid, I don’t doubt for a second that he knew JYL would take JC’s side if it came down to it. She always takes JC’s side from day one. Literally; she hears WWX say he’ll take the blame for JC chasing him out of Lotus Pier and getting WWX’s leg broken while all JC did was come out looking for WWX personally (instead of doing the smart and more helpful thing and getting adults to help) because he was scared he’d get in trouble and he got a little scrape because he was running through the woods like an idiot because, again, he was too scared of getting in trouble to GET ACTUAL HELP THAT WASN’T A CHILD and she’s like “Yeah, that sounds reasonable and fair and not like a really, really bad precedent to set with a kid whose safety relies on my family liking him”. ...There’s also an aspect of “Sure, it can’t hurt to let the kid my mother very clearly hates take responsibility for something that he could be punished for by someone with a motive to take everything possible as a wrongdoing on WWX’s part”, but to be fair at this point she doesn’t know YZY will whip WWX for literally anything she can even slightly suggest is any sort of wrongdoing on WWX’s part. And let’s not pretend WWX wasn’t punished for JC getting hurt; come on, it’s YZY, she punishes him for sunbathing.

This is a running thing going forward in their dynamic, too! JC does something horrible, JYL immediately starts in on the “Oh, boys will be boys, A-Cheng might get upset if you call him out on his shit” shtick if WWX shows the slightest trace of dissatisfaction with being treated like garbage, WWX smiles and forgives JC for whatever he did without question, there’s a period of calm, the cycle repeats. JYL very much teaches WWX that he cannot EVER show any unhappiness with JC’s threats and insults. If he ever shows so much as a shred of anger or sadness or generally being upset at the way JC mistreats him JYL takes JC’s side. At most she’ll tell JC that maybe he should back off a little while basically telling WWX to grin and bear it because JC might be slightly upset if anyone ever calls him out on being horrible to literally everyone. And don’t even get me started on the whole “Oh you’re always smiling” bullshit, talk about teaching a mistreated orphan that he has literally no right to look sad about anything ever. Like, let me put it this way: WWX doesn’t even feel he can go to JYL about JC TRYING TO KILL HIM. That’s a lot? It’s a lot? And it never really gets discussed in any way? WWX doesn’t feel like he can tell his supposed sister who supposedly loves him unconditionally that her brother tried to murder him like three times and when the third time comes up JYL takes JC’s side because JC’s arm got broken in the process of the staged fight where JC stabbed WWX in the gut and that’s fine and healthy apparently. Stan WQ, the actual best sister (god I love WQ).

Anyway, now that I’m done enraging the fandom with my tangent about how much JYL sucks as a sister to WWX... Yeah, WWX insists that JC’s attitude can’t be helped because JC’s just like that even when he very clearly doesn’t buy that? He’s obviously pissed when JC goes after LWJ to the point of genuinely going after JC for it... but when they get away from JC he goes into the “Oh, he can’t help it, don’t get mad at him”. And in this particular case part of it is him panicking because JC’s homophobic ranting (and LWJ’s clear anger at it) left him questioning his and LWJ’s feelings and the mutuality thereof, but it also... really does throw every other time he insists JC’s behaviour is fine into question. Like, we know he’s not buying his own line in this scene! He was furious at JC! He’s still furious and upset! But he feels the need to cover for JC. Even after he’s realized that JC’s behaviour wasn’t okay, he still feels like he has to protect him from anyone else getting angry at him. WWX knows JC’s behaviour isn’t okay and that it’s not fair that JC treats him the way he does and I’d argue (especially at this point in the story) that he deserves better than JC’s treatment... but he still insists that JC is just like that and it’s fine.

That throws every single time WWX smiles through JC’s mistreatment into question, I’d say; we know he’ll react this way even when he knows that JC’s behaviour isn’t okay, so who’s to say he ever isn’t aware that JC’s behaviour isn’t okay? In CQL XZ does an excellent job of showing that at least in that continuity he is extremely done with JC’s shit even from when they’re fifteen; the novel is as far as I remember a little less clear, but it’s still pretty obvious that he’s not enjoying the way JC treats him. He knows that the way JC treats him is hurtful and upsetting and sometimes even frightening (think of the times JC threatens him with dogs and he’s clearly scared, which is a whole other thing because either he’s so scared of dogs that even the threat terrifies him or he has zero doubt that JC for sure would set dogs on him, which is a big thing either way and also I’m still not over how CQL JYL laughs when JC threatens WWX with dogs even though WWX is clearly scared and she totally would’ve laughed if that happened in the novel too but showing it so blatantly and then never actually getting into how messed up it is is just unnecessary), but he feels like he has to smile through it and cover for JC, just like when they were nine.

Anyway yeah, for a fandom so obsessed with WWX being an unreliable narrator the MDZS/CQL fandom sure does miss a lot of times where WWX is actually being unreliable, huh.