#i’m actually in such a good mood today
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tipped my uber courier hella extra bc she helped call an ambulance for a homeless woman while waiting for my order 🥺 and idk i was chatting with her about it in the app and it just made me love people sm 🤍
#especially in this town bc all the rich transplants here are SO MEAN to the unhoused 😭#i can’t even imagine if the order was for someone else instead of me#they probably would’ve chewed this poor girl out#it didn’t even take long either but i told her to take as much time as she needs there’s no rush#what a sweetheart#i also got curious and looked her up on FB because she had the most unique name ever#and she’s actually mutuals with a ton of my circus friends#so NO WONDER she’s such a kind person 🥹🥹🥹#apple babble 🍎#non fandom#i’m actually in such a good mood today#ALSO#i found a townhouse super close to where i already live#and i’m going through a diff property manager who said i’m qualified so! i’m pretty sure i have a good chance of getting it#it’s SUCH a cute space tho omg#and my possible future neighbors are 🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈#it’s also 3 neighbors all in a little gated community#and the walls of the backyard are SO HIGH YOU GUYS I DONT THINK MY DOGS CAN JUMP IT#it’s also the same price i’m paying for my current house!!!#the neighborhood is a little dodgy but i’ve lived in worse areas LMFAO#i actually like it a bit better than the other house i was trying to get#bc of the gated community and extra security#no one’s gonna steal my car that’s for sure ahahaHAHAHA#ALSO GUYS IT HAS A BALCONY!!!!!!!!!#AND THE KITCHEN IS SO HUGE AND PRETTY JFC#idk why it’s so huge actually it’s kinda wild LOL#i feel so good today tbh
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Shoutout to this draft I made a couple hours ago when I suddenly had an epiphany for how I could fix a part of my story and I was so excited that the only way I could express it is to write whatever this is but I couldn’t post it because I didn’t have internet
also it got marked as mature for some reason
#mood honestly#OHHH OHH. WA#there is pure happiness behind those words#I don’t know if I’ll keep the idea that I came up with but it’s so much better than what I had before#ties up loose ends while also keeping it vague like I wanted mmmm#and the ending isn’t super depressing now!!! sort of!!!#it is Not final so I won’t yap about it just yet but#I think I might be able to give gourdie a somewhat happy ending….that is all I wanted…..yes…..#cause like damn at first she was just miserable by the end with no happiness in sight. which didn’t really match the rest of the story#cause it’s more so lighthearted even when there’s like. death and stuff#like. bad shit happens but it’s not an emotionally charged angsty story#if people do find it sad despite the jokey tone then all the better because that means I can have my cake and eat it too#but my point is simply that Gourdie’s ending did NOT match up with anything else#she was just left completely depressed by the end#BUT I CAN FIX IT. I THINK. STILL WORKINH IT OUT IN MY MIND#TRYING TO MAKE SURE IT WOULDNT RETCON ANYTHING PREVIOUSLY ESTABLISHED#perhaps it makes the ending a bit less impactful but who tf thinks I’m going for impact!!!#gourdie gets to mysteriously disappear too. as a treat.#and it also plugs that plot hole…yes….good…..#I’m just rambling at this point hey guys how ya doin#pdbc#not a pikmin post#more pdbc posts are coming cause I spent like 4 hours today writing#by that I mean like. 4 hours of just trying to fix the ending. but I kinda did it soooo#point is I rarely have scripts for certain sections and I now have a script for a sliver of a section so that’s a win#this is a huge wall of text uhhhh#I’ve been yapping about pdbc an unhealthy amount lately and I’ll never stop#my friend wants to know the lore as well so I’ll have to find a way to explain it all to her#< it’ll be easier for her to understand actually cause of reasons#anyway I’ll shut up now bye bye
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everyday i get my heart ripped out of my chest and am forced to continue
#actually bpd#actually mentally ill#bpd#bpd shitposting#actually borderline#bpd fp#bpd vent#bpd favorite person#bpd problems#bpd mood#today better be a good day or i’m ending it all i stg#i can’t live like this
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felt cute, will not be deleting later
#hi besties happy wednesday#my hair looks just the right level of wild in this and that’s why it’s getting posted#pic of me#i’m actually in a good mood today and i think i look less depressed so yay me
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i have been learning taekwondo for ALMOST A YEAR ALREADY so how come it wasn’t until LITERALLY TODAY it dawned on me I can now use my newly acquired fighting knowledge to WRITE COOL AND BETTER FIGHT SCENES FOR MARIBAT OH MY GOOOODDDD IVE LITERALLY BEEN TOO AFRAID TO REALLY WRITE FIGHT SCENES BUT THIS IS LIKE SO PERFECT
anyways catch me daydreaming abt writing maribat stuff again, hopefully we can turn the daydreaming into daydoing (or maybe nightdoing)
#kiwi shares their thoughts#master jason said “taekwondo is a striking sport; we REACH we don’t grapple” and my brain (that was reminded#about marinette earlier in the day) went oh she could totally use taekwondo techniques to try and stay out of grappling distance with#heavier bigger strong and or slower enemies#and then i haven’t stopped thinking about it since#also my kicks were on 👏 point 👏! 👏 today so it put me in a good mood and that helped#like it just dawned on me how much progress i’ve made with my coordination and balance and strength and form and technique#like my kicks r so much cleaner and sharper and less awkward now#not to say they’re like amazing or perfect or anything#but it’s feels way more natural and instinctual now#my round kicks are consistently good now hallelujah 🙏#also back hoofkick is fun#so is idk what it’s called but the one where you roundkick#then 360 then raise the knees you DIDNT kick with and then front kick with the other leg#fun#watch out guys i’m a blue belt now#only *does mental math* 6 more belt tests before i’m 1st degree black belt yall#man that’s actually a lot#ok but i’m basically halfway#i’ve already done 5
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// thinking of Lucifer having like some top tier ultra dark and scary game system that he doesn’t know how to operate ( staff has to turn it on for him) and he plays stardew valley , minesweeper / solitaire , bass fishing and farming simulator on it . As well as animal crossing and Okami and cooking mama.
When he meets Alastor he starts playing a bunch of Cabella’s deer Hunter .
#hi I do srs rps here I swear#I’m just in a vibe funny kinda mood today#isims#musings#•star of the morning|| lucifer morningstar#headcanons#what if it was a gift from#the Vee’s and he’s all oh thanks .. has no idea how#to work it#he’s actually really good at FPS just doesn’t know it/how he does it
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i wish I had known that don’t cry was going to be a multichaptered fic when I posted that first chapter bc then I probably would’ve titled it something better 🫠
#idk I feel like it’s not a great title#I was in a guns n roses mood when I started it hahahah#it’s actually insane how deep I got into writing this fic#like it started as a one shot and I just ran with it#crazy#I also received such a funny comment today that apparently they could tell I’m a brit from the way I write#hahahah I didn’t think it was noticeable but apparently it is#then again I have to change trousers to pants so many times which is wierd to me because pants are like underwear#and it takes me like a good two minutes to go wait they’re not walking around half naked? when I’m reading a fic#sorry this is just me avoiding uni work and writing the next chapter#which by the way may or may not have a huge cliffhanger#we’ll see#don’t cry
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i got enough sleep, but gee i feel like someone balled me up like a piece of paper
#i’ll get online at some point but for now i’m gonna relax and likely treat today like i did yesterday#no pressure to be here but lurking and getting online when the mood actually strikes uvu#if my sister is cool with it i might play some more until dawn or bg3… but my neck hurts y’all help meeee#asdfg anyway!! happy sunday!! have fun!! be good!!#get ready to ramble | ooc
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My heart is soooo full of love guys
#I think sunlight is a drug#I feel like a new person#maybe it’s just a mindset shift idk#but I’m doing art again too!!!! it’s been SO long since I’ve done art on my own#and like actually attempted a project#and then improv was so fucking fun today#stilll thinking about Brophy’s character. he was just a lil caterpillar. he deserved better#and then Liz played an alcoholic mom who was AWFUL to her kid#and we were just silly and goofy and had a great lil time with this teacher#I love all my friends so much#they’re incredibly funny. honored that they let me play with them#I just have such a good life and I gotta remember that!!! for the winter#maybe. maybe I’m just Fixed and it’s not just that the sun is out#I have also been on a really really weird sleep schedule so maybe that’s part of it#but I feel like I’ve been waxing poetic about the clouds for like a week before my sleep schedule got changed#anyways#go outside and look at how pretty the sky is!!! and the trees and the birds!!! so many little birds#and also the people. all my friends are beautiful and lovely and I’m so glad they’re in my life#I even talked to coworkers I hate today#and I was polite and made conversation#(not with Karl. let’s not get too crazy here. he can go die)#but even fucking ******#I was nice to her even tho I dislike her#cause she’s just a person!! we’re all just people guys#except Karl. Karl can go fuck himself.#damn even my good mood can’t make me excuse him as a human being that’s wild#ANYWAYS all this rambling to say life is soooo good#things are gonna be ok. and even when they’re not we’ll get through ittt
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The non-gendered urge to sit out in the sun to do my homework vs. the modern reality that I can’t see my screen in the sunshine.
#🌞vs💻#goal: 🏖️👩🏻💻#gillianthecat goes back to school#i’ve been a terrible mood today for no obvious reason. possibly hormonal? may vent about it later.#or post the long incoherent rant i wrote this morning about how scoy handled skyjao. it’s kinda mean. but i’#m in the mood to be mean and that seemed like the least harmful way to do it#then again i could just keep it in the drafts forever#i did the dishes which maybe helped a little#though my garbage disposal stopped working and now the kitchen sink is draining slow :-( I don’t even put big food scraps in their but#inevitably little ones escape#and i thing need to bite the bullet and call building maintenance because I do not know how to fix it myself. ugh. I hate it when I’m#actually being good - being a responsible adult by cleaning - and then outside forces conspire to stop me#no fair#i guess i’m doing my venting here in the tags. probably for the best.#I will eat the ramen I just overcooked then take my hw and tea outside next to my pretty new flowers and hopefully that will improve my mood#maybe post another clip of zimbardo being sus later. always fun to laugh at psychologists with questionable ethics.#this is basically a diary entry#not the post but the tags#rant#venting
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I have started to accept I am a bit more (re a lot more) psychologically unstable than I thought for a long time and man…. I’m tired of it
#I was in a relatively good mood today#work hasn’t been too bad and I get two days off starting tomorrow#(it’s rare for me to get consecutive days so I’m excited!)#plus my time off request for a weekend in may got approved and I’m super excited for the plans that are happening on that weekend#and then my roommate messaged me bitching about my cat and now I’m spiraling#hate everything hate myself anxiety levels skyrocketed feeling the intense need to upend/annihilate my entire life and start from scratch#questioning anyone who has ever said they care about me etc etc etc and it’s like wow! because of one vague text message!#this is not a normal response haha! and now that I’m aware of that#I’ve become a lot more intensely aware that these insane mood drops actually happen quite frequently for me#issue is to do anything about this I need to see a psychologist (which I’m trying to work on anyways)#but the only diagnosis I have is for adhd and idk how to go into psychiatric care like#PLEASE PUT ME ON MEDS PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PUT ME ON DRUGS AND I DONT MEAN LIKE 10 MILIGRAMS OF PROZAC TYPE SHIT#GIVE ME MOOD STABILIZERS OR AN ANTIPSYCHOTIC OR SOMETHING I AM BEGGINGGGGG I CANT FUNCTION LIKE THIS ANYMORE#I’m also mildly concerned (being afab) that if I go in pursing certain diagnoses I’ll get slapped with a bpd diagnosis#(and obviously I don’t mean that in the sense of bpd bad or I could NEVER have bpd or anything like that)#(I just mean I really don’t think I have bpd and I don’t want to be approached from the angle of needing treatment for that cuz I don’t#think it will help. if I have ANY cluster b disorder it’s def aspd lol. lmao.)#but. yeahhhhhhhhh. I’m tired of this and I’m tired of having no treatment and being in medicated#I’m tired of pretending I can function like this forever cuz obviously I can’t lol#and eventually (probably soon) it’s gonna burn me out and I’m gonna crash so hard and uh. bad things are gonna happen 😭#kaz rambles
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Today is good I think. My brain isn’t fully happy my body isn’t fully happy but I’m treating myself kindly anyways
#I hate you chemical imbalance in my brain everything is going so incredible and I’m still not happy I’m only content#I picked up weed went for a drive hung out with my mom swam in the pool sat in the sun took a warm shower got high#I think I might journal or read for a bit maybe do a face mask while I read and smoke#watching Rick and morty also counts as self care I think. season three specifically is self care. I know pretty much all the words I’m just#mouthing along the entire epsidoe it’s heavenly#I think I might paint my nails too hmm am I feeling masculine enough to present fem recently. thank you buzzcut I love you buzzcut#I also did my eyeliner today and wore my cute earrings#did I post pocket joe on my dash. I think I forgot him there and he’s gonna be in the car all weekend in an airport parking lot lmao whoops#sorry pocket joe. I’m watching pickle rick epsidoe it’s so good. it’s beautiful out today even tho it’s sunny and I don’t think I’m burnt so#that’s incredible and then also when I took my warm shower I used my body scrub I haven’t used in like months and now my arms and legs feel#super soft it’s fantastic I am in a good mood today I just have to think really hard to actually feel it bc I have a headache and cramps#(still. not. fucking. bleeding. ANGRY.)#and I’m still sad about my middle school teacher dieing but I’m trying not to think about it so it’s fine
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anyone else ever get in those silly goofy moods where u just hate urself sooo much that u instantly feel physically almost violently ill just thinking abt urself and also even tho u worked a 12hr shift w no breaks or water running off of the 2 cups of coffee u had for breakfast 20 hours ago, the thought of eating instantly sends bouts of nausea coursing thru ur soul while churning in ur stomach bc ur brain hates u so much that its convinced ur body that u don’t deserve sustenance or anything else that’s life sustaining or promotes ur physical well being because u subconsciously convinced urself that ur such a shit excuse for a human being that u neither deserve nor have any right to anything regarding maslow’s hierarchy of needs bc u r such an awful thing u deserve to be neglected n treated like the nonliving object ur own brain sees ur living body as or am i just mentally ill lol
#laying in bed everytime i think abt myself i feel literally nauseated n like it’s so weird#this feeling comes in waves intermittently just even .01 sec of ‘hm i’m hungry’ FFFFFNOPE HRRGRHFFF VOMITTY#i want to curl up in a ball and die forever i don’t care about me i don’t want to take care of me anymore i’m not even good at it#whyyyyyyyy did i stop taking my meddsssssss i guarantee y’all this is why i’m being such a crybaby on the dash lmaoooo#i have a headache i’m def dehydrated from crying n sniveling n barely drinking any water today while sweating like a mf at work#imma go to bed 🛌 if i don’t wake up i will be soooo pleasantly surprised y’all have no idea FINGERS CROSSED🤞#real talk tho can someone tell me why my body is literally reacting this way for like no real reason#like am i truly that disgusted with myself i make myself nauseous just thinking abt me#ok yeah the answer is yes lol BUT LIKE WHY THATS SUCH A DRAMATIC BODILY RESPONSE TO MY BRAINS DUMBASS THOUGHTS???#ik the body and mind have a super powerful link n the brain influences the body like crazy but like#why this why does my brain literally want me to berate and degrade myself and isolate me and make me cry alone n starve me that’s so mean#i’m not starving btw i’m literally always eating just these past 2 days i’ve been such a fuckup my body won’t let me do anything#i had a chocolate poptart for dinner last night (thurs) n threw myself to bed#i hope i don’t end up hurting myself that would be so lame#i literally don’t have time for that like i am Not doing wound care duty off the clock for my damn self lol#also don’t want to take care of myself so i wouldn’t bandage myself up properly sooo yeah i’m not gonna do anything actually#cleaning ur wounds r super important ok yall ur literally playing god if u don’t do good aftercare snfjfbdj#i can’t believe i’m in this nasty ugly depressive episode i hate this so much i don’t have time for this i hate this cycle#i hate being bipolar 2 n my moods n meds have been so fkcdd up lately that i don’t even have the rlly fun hypomanic episodes anymore#i’ve just been constantly having mixed episodes im unbearable to be around im so sorry for everyone that’s ever spoken to me im insufferable#ok that’s enough im done being dramatic lmao#im gonna give myself a bolus PRN dose of clonnie then i’m going tf to bed#ramblings#shut up cianna
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My cousin made me watch Grimbsy today and I genuinely have lost all faith in humanity
#i can’t express how negatively i feel about this film#there is no word in any language to express that#i’d rather watch the h*man c*ntipede trilogy and a serbian film#than 5 minutes of this shot#*shit#but i’d rather get shot so that works#than think about the fact that this is actually a film that people wrote and filmed and released and people watched and liked#you should genuinely be put down if you like this film#sorry to remind anyone of this but i can’t deal with this on my own#tbh it’s just a few scenes#but like#that’s more than enough#i really don’t mind some dark humour and fucked up things but#(sucking the venom out and the elephant. most if the rest is like. whatever ig. but yeah)#like i was in a bad mood already today but i can’t imagine that i would have felt any more positively about this film if i was having a good#day#it probably would have been worse because it wouldve ruined it lol#ok i’m done
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i really will spend five minutes in the sun and be convinced that i’m no longer mentally ill
#it’s so healing#i haven’t actually been inside today#and i’m in such a good mood it’s crazy#i’m like a lizard#need a heat lamp or something#or yk#i need to just not live in the uk
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me for the past hour: 🎵do not relapse relapsing is a bad thing. do not relapse relapsing is a bad thing. do not relapse relapsing is a bad thing. do not relapse…🎵
#lmao received very bad news today#can you tell?#me in the shower like the little idiot addict that i am: don’t do it don’t do it don’t you fucking do it#shout out to The Itch™️ though#really making my life very easy rn /s#so i made a little tune#i want to say it’s not very helpful but also it’s been an hour and i haven’t relapsed so ig it is helpful#i literally just had a meeting with my psychiatrist YESTERDAY and she was like#‘how is your mood?’ and i was like ��my mood is actually pretty good!’#SIKE! ig not!#for the record i’m addicted to self harm#not substances of any kind
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