#i’ll never understand ppl who don’t like school functions

[nosolaceofastraightanswer]

currently it is very fall rainy vibes where i am and i’m getting ready for a school function so im rewatching tua s1. PEAK fall vibes even though I KNOW it’s set in march.

but i hate march soooo

[ciderjacks]

Happy disability month btwwww

4 me like I’m never not going to be physically disabled even after getting my walking back, bc I have FND and there is currently literally nothing you can do to get rid of FND. That pathway exists now and all I can do is try to mitigate symptoms, it’s entirely possible I’ll have a flare up that affects my sight, hearing, vocal abilities, arm function, brain. I have flareups Often Daily, and have to do my resets wherever I’m at (often in public, which can get me weird looks and ppl avoiding me haha). But can I just say that WOW the way ppl treat u when u have to use mobility aids full time is a damn world of difference. It’s fucking insane. When I had to use crutches, it made me miserable. Not even having to use the crutches! I mean I can’t say I loved that either but it wasn’t all bad! But Jesus, the way I was suddenly estranged from the world and society and everyone around me was fucking awful.

If we put in some effort to normalizing mobility aids and visibly disabled people in general, I think just that could improve a lot of disabled people’s lives. Like honestly. If you’ve never had to deal with it, I don’t think u understand how much it sucks to become the sort of person who people on the street and at school point at.

[misterbitches]

joke knew from the beginning what he had and other people didn’t. me personally i’d keep my contacts with the pawn dealers because those aren’t the real enemies tho they’re acting like the petty managerial class i guess. fun (not) fact poor ppl have their shit pawned the most so i’ll allow it.

the show is very literal and there’s that fantastical element. obviously a single ring doesn’t give you power. i think the ring thing was to symbolize shifting money around? not sure and you know i kinda tune out when it comes to that plus it’s ugly but more people can explain the tightrope between the exaggerated and melodramatic and the realism whatever.

anyway his nice house, his dad’s nice job, his education, their cars. even the option to go to jail is so funny bc he could have just. not. gotten a lawyer. whatever. instead he spent his time being dyslexic and wanting to expropriate from the real thieves which are bosses and traitors (capitalism). i wish i knew more about thai movements to be able to tie it into a broader point but i know enough about what capitalism does. imagine this: there is no work in your home town so you must go elsewhere to do manual labor, leaving your family behind. that’s what extraction does but not purely internal—though “never colonized”, to say thailand has been untouched by western power would be silly and untrue by fact of being where they were. and obviously imperialism and monarchy and honestly what seems to be actually semicolonialism which seems a ridiculous marker but alright. the point is the british the french and eventually america all had their grubby little hands there and the monarchy supported it tho the monarchy is not their main enemy today—it is the military (imperialism lmao). (which now that i think about the parallels i guess the show is trying to say that which obviously with the bird flying close to the sun…to which i say no but it tried at least. that system doesn’t function the way the military does…get rid of hierarchy…)

this is the nature of exploitation. toi ting is dark, her dad is dark and an alcoholic; jenny is trans—none of these are central to who they are in the story but a part of them. Why would more poor people skew this way; what system of domination necessitates the darker and “deviant” seen as unproductive and unable to assimilate? what influences and exacerbates these ideas?

and even them talking about english. surprisingly jack knows and joke doesn’t. was joke a poor student or did he just not feel like trying? (obviously he struggles w school but my pt is…he also could not put in effort bc he struggles and is young and has money and will be fine) why was jack such a good student? just asking myself stuff like that.

I fundamentally clash with the idea that we owe anything to these evil people i really do. You see people trying to survive and struggling and grappling with their morality and these sick fucks STILL wont let go. They expect us to just lay down and die? To not fight? And that we are the same as them? Once we get free that we’ll do what they do? And this is where jack is wrong and where joke’s self loathing could be so transformed but i don’t know if the show can see that bc that is not the world we live in and the art that is accepted unless we make it so and usually thats thru other channels.

Just once i’d like us to be able to see that actually yes shit like this, who joke is, is righteous, moral, and good. it’s everyone else that has to understand that! he shouldn’t have to change, the world should and do something along with him about it! Like those angry townspeople are! even the way rosé placated them with bullshit indicates an INABILITY to get out of it without forcing them. They could simply solve the problem and they won’t. So we will make them. That’s it! And all labor fighters everywhere have turned violent and resistance and human flourishing go hand in hand. the need for that resistance, what binds us, that all comes from our labor, our work, being exploited and that’s what the contradiction cannot abide by

and if Jack is out for revenge are we going to acknowledge revenge as a motivator for freedom? morality of oppressors is not real morality. the morality of the resistance is one; it’s complex, dark, and nasty but also full of anger and with that love. it wrestles with the tradeoffs and discomfort but it tries to correct course. the difference between these two groups could not be wider so why pretend like the intent, method, and outcome are the same? What the fuck does it mean to come by anything honestly? joke is to me very deeply not wrong and for as long as we have it it’s refreshing to see a character who needs to do something that is integral to his way of life. that is an alienating dangerous thing

so that’s my real issue with the show: so much of joke growing is about leaving liberation in the past and growing up as if it’s a fantasy. like he was ever not putting himself in danger. but what’s interesting is how unsure i am that they are going to to reject the premise of violence and crime necessary to resistance/liberation entirely. It’s SO WEIRD bc it’s like ok is this jack’s rollercoaster? I hope so? Or am i so stung by the norm that i see this pattern and it isnt coming out? Maksksjuurhrhhebebwjqoeofidgeheb

[sennsational]

❄️ appreciation post ❄️

i’m sorry this is so late,,, i fell asleep shortly after 00:00 :’> anyway, i’ve seen some of my lovely moots do this and i wanted to do it too! first and foremost, i’m so sorry if i didn’t include you. my brain is functioning on alcohol and the leftover effects of my medicine lmaoo

these are the moots i interact with the most, which is quite impressive for my doing since i suck ass at socialising 🥲

@matcha-ji : my eonni, my galaxy and the universe. i absolutely fucking adore and love you. i’ve been shitty with responding this month and yet you never once got angry at me. in fact, you always take the time to remind me how much you love me and all the good things i deserve. i read every single message and even though i may not respond immediately, pls know that it means a lot to me. you mean a lot to me. always have and always will! this year has been a good one bcs of you! i finally got to meet you in person and i had the loveliest time with you in london (even got a matching tattoo with you, that i look at each day). you’re the most caring, selfless and loving person i know and our discord convos about whatever comes up in our mind (mainly wakaben and bajishin lmaoo) brings me so much joy! you brighten up my life and gave me purpose when i lacked it. i love you so so so much and hopefully i get to visit you soon in your home country (or you can visit me 🥴)

@asunflowerana : my sweetest baby bun! fuck— i have missed you so so much and you don’t even know how much i smiled when i saw that you came back on tumblr! i always wonder how you’re doing, if you’re taking good care of yourself and if you’re not being too mean to yourself about school. you are the epitome of an angel and no i’m not even exaggerating cause you truly are! ji can vouch for me if you don’t believe me 🥴 tbh i miss our convos in the server with ji and liv and i hope that maybe we can pick it up again. ofc i know that we’re all busy but maybe we can have a quick phone call soon like we used too!! you always support me with whatever i’m doing and you’re so genuine with your feelings! you are the sunshine in my life, a reminder that not all things are bad. you care so deeply for your friends and you aren’t scared to share your love! i understand why mitsuya and bokuto adore you so much, cause hello?? who wouldn’t?? i sure as HELL adore you to the moon and back! cheers to yet another year and i love you so much bby 🤍

@myalbedo : honestly you’re so special to me. one day i will steal you away from albedo so he better watch out, cause fuck— i adore you so much bubs! i know that i can always talk to you and that you have my back no matter what! you show me so much love for who i am and i find it so fucking cute how genuine you are and how much you appreciate and show your love to your friends! it’s truly refreshing to have someone as dependable as you are and god you’re also so strong bby! i hope that this year will be nicer for you (or i’ll commit arson)! anyway, i love you so much bubs and pls know that if something is bothering you that you can always talk to me! i’m here for you. always 🤍

@kaeyatos : my dearest and most beloved eris!! last time you reached out to me privately and your message warmed my heart a lot! you always and i mean always have your friends back’s and i truly love that about you! you aren’t afraid to speak your mind and call ppl out on their bullshit and on a hell site like tumblr it’s honestly nice to see ppl who are still true to themselves and their morals! truly admirable! i love you so much and i adore our convos! like we don’t talk all too often but when we do it makes me smile brightly!

@kita-dynasty : we don’t talk as often, but i know that it’s okay and that you’re not someone who would take it too seriously! i still remember our first convo in lia’s server and how we talked about iwa being in a band and playing ‘DiE4u’ by Bring Me The Horizons. or remember our convo about a certain ‘worm’? 👁 anywayy, i got the pleasure of asking for a comm from you (the one with baji) and i still absolutely love it! you’re so talented and passionate of the things you love and i admire that! also, thank you for yesterday when you helped me out with farming for chests and bearing with me and my lack of skills gsvshsb

@dilu3 : you’re so cute. i love it when you get all excited about different things that fascinate you in the moment. your fics are subliminal and i’m rlly sorry some shithead keeps reporting them. honestly, if i could, i would perish them all for you. anywayy,, i also love when you share your comms! they’re always either rlly cute or fucking hot, no in between. you have been the sweetest to me since i have met you and i thank you for that, love. also, the way i get giddy whenever i see your url pop up in my notifs hehehe 🥰

@twdottore : we don’t talk outside of tumblr, but just like the others, i know that it’s not something either of us would get mad at. your fic series is absolutely insane (in a good way), like i can tell that you do your research on certain topics you write about and that you take your time writing each chapter until YOU are satisfied (quality ≠ quantity)! i honestly wish i could write longer fics or even series like you do and you actually inspire me a lot even when i don’t say it often +++ i love your characterization of each character you have written for so far! like it feels to me like you know them all down to a T! you’re always being sweet to me and i hope you know how much i love you!

@nyaaaaanma : plsss i adore you so much! whenever you tag me in anything blue lock related (aka any reo content) i giggle like a teenage girl with a crush. like, the fact that you see for example fanart of reo and immediately think to tag me is so cute to me hdvshsbs. also, the moodboards you make are so pretty and aesthetically pleasing! i still have them all saved on my phone (with mostly baji, *que surprise noises* lmaoo)! i remember the moment you followed me back and send me an ask with a lil shy kitty pic and i kindofmaybeperhaps fangirled a bit, cause i would often see you pop up by my moots so honestly it felt like i already befriended you hehehe pls never change babes <3

@kazuwhora : kc, my lovely baby. you inspire me so much to be my honest self. the way you stand your ground against injustice and prejudice is truly admirable. you have shown me countless times how caring you are. like, i particularly remember the time i got shit from baji antis and you never ceased to shut them up for me and reassuring me that i didn’t do anything wrong. you’re so unapologetically yourself, pls stay that way bb! i know that last year gave you some hardships and i truly hope that this year you will have it way easier, cause hell you fucking deserve it! i adore you love!

special mentions to new moots: i haven’t known y’all for a long time, yet all of you have been so incredibly sweet to me since day 1 and i hope to get to know you all this year better and become good friends! and ofc the moots i don’t talk too much too, but i know y’all have my back: i adore all of you so much! just like the others, all of you either make me laugh out loud, swoon bcs of your fics or feel loved by your genuine and lovely personalities! thank you and i love you 🤍 - @portfolio-of-dreams @planetxiao @romiyaro @minxsane @sugr @suyacho @asmology @sleepy3 @darlingimawitch @itoshi-s @jotatetsuken @oo-mi-ru-oo @suyacho @haitani-plague @kenslilove @tunamiya @violetsoju @marism @blueparadis

[bnha-butterfly]

Hi! Aaaaa it says reqs are open so? Dbdbbff could i pls request the twins suna and kita with a trans male autistic s/o? Like headcanons on how they interact with him or whatever u want really tbh jdndfnn just ignore this if i did it wrong and sorry if i was specific enough. Ty in advance!

 Kita, Suna, Atsamu, Osamu with an autistic trans male s/o

Hi hi random ask again fnfnf so u said u prob might take a while to get around to my request so i figured if i sent this ask in to give further detail it wouldnt like really screw with anything bc u havent started working on it yet? Presumably? Hdhdhf when i sent my req in i didnt really have anything specific in mind outside of general autism but! I did think of more details that i havent seen really talked about in general (in all kinda autism content and discussions ngl) so uh what do u think about adding to my request "low functioning" s/o like cant go to school or get a job bc its just so stressful and s/o cant cope type stuff (bc whenever theres autism representation its always the more "higher functioning" end of things which is like not everyones autism? Like its like that very one dimensional type of autism rep when theres so many different ways it affects ppl and - i am not going to go on a rant in an ask jesus christ im so sorry djdhfh) and dealing with some rejection sensitivity dysphroia/rsd?? Bc these are topics that dont really get covered and all fnfnfn its ok if u dont want/cant add this to my req tho im sorry for just randomly springing more details on you dhdhfb also sorry this is really long and wordy and if its hard to understand i tried to write it in a way thatd make sense dnfjf i just wanted to send this for your consideration ok ty! Sjdjfh 💚💚 💚

A/n - Just as a heads up I try to keep my blog as functioning label free as possible cus they lowkey make me uncomfy (don’t worry I didn’t have it in my rules so it's okay!) I’ll explain why they make me uncomfy/ why I hate them in a different post if anyone wants to know why. 

Kita Shinsuke

  This man always has a stim toy. Realistically he probably has a little pouch in his book bag that he carries with him everywhere that is just full of stim items. There’s a stress ball , a fidget cube and a few other things

Whenever you feel dysphoric he will literally remind you about how handsome you are. I mean like stand you in front of the mirror and point out all of his favorite parts of you

Definitely reminds you to be kind to your body and your brain cus they’re doing the best they can

If he has to cancel plans with you he always makes it up to you and tells you that he’d rather spend time with you.

Kita is so understanding and caring. He understands that school and work aren’t really an option for everyone for different reasons and he definitely understands that both are designed for neurotypical people.

Suna Rintaro

Rin keeps an extra pair of headphones on him at all times for if you get overwhelmed 

If you ever mention to him that you’re going to sleep or if he sending you a good night text he always reminds you to take off your binder

Sometimes he wants to hangout with the team and has to turn you down. He knows RSD can make turning down spending time together feel like a kick in the face so he always promises to spend time with you later and tell you he loves you

If you ever have a low spoons + dysphoria type of day he’s coming over and spending time with you in bed. He’s bringing some of your favorite snacks/drinks/food and one of his hoodies that still smell like him. 

His love language is quality time so he probably takes you on a lot of dates. Especially if they have something to do with your special interest or hyper fixation

Miya Osamu

He learns how to cook all of your safe foods just the way you like it.

Every morning you are greeted with a kiss to your temple and a sleepy Osamu grumbling a soft “good morning handsome” to you.

He understands that work isn’t really for you. But, sometimes he’ll take you with him to the onigiri shop with him to keep him company. 

This man would move heaven and earth to see you happy everyday without hesitation. 

He’s super responsive to all boundaries you have. Don’t want to be touched or cuddled a certain way? Okay. Need him to give you space after a meltdown/shutdown or on extremely dysphoria days? No problem.

Miya Atsumu

If you are nonverbal/semi verbal he definitely made you communication cards. He gave them to you for either an anniversary or your birthday and they are super well done. They’re laminated their color coated and they’re just lovely

He’s such a good listener. He could listen to you talk all day and never get tired. Whether it’s you just talking about insecurities while in bed together or him listening to you talk about a hyperfixation/ special interest you know he’s always willing to listen. 

Insecurities who??? Not with Atsumu around. If he is not kissing away your insecurities he’s making you “laugh away the bad vibes”. 

He always reminds you how much he loves you. He literally will not leave for practice until he gets a kiss and tells you he loves you, it’s gotten him in trouble for being late a few times but he always says he’d do it again. (and he always ends up doing it again)

[theadhdgoblin]

Hi I was diagnosed with add as a child but have never gotten medicated for it nor have I been to therapy. I failed a little in school and I’m just lost in life. I’m 22 years old and depressed and just a ball of self doubt. How do I explain to my mom that I am like this because of my untreated add and not because I’m lazy or stupid. How long does it take for medication to work properly? And what was your experience with different medicine? Thank you

Oh gosh.

I’m flattered you’re asking me for advice but I’m not sure I’m qualified! I’ll share some tips I’ve picked up and been given.

Take what you need leave the rest :)

If you were diagnosed as a kid that’s wonderful. That means you can ask for accommodations. If you feel like ppl would be hard to “convince” then focus on asking for specific things you need rather than trying to explain yourself. You know you’re not lazy, you don’t need to prove this to anyone or change your mums mind.

(Side note, we seek validation bc we have been called things like lazy and gaslit for so long, getting it is great but don’t get stuck trying to get it from ppl who want to believe you’re lazy when you can spend that energy on yourself!)

Reasonable people should respond positively to accommodations when you ask for a specific thing. An example from my personal experience:

“Hey I really struggle with doing chores with people around. I’d like to clean the kitchen can you give me space for an hour today to get it done?”

Positive reinforcement when advocating for your needs is a good remedy for self doubt. <3

Adhd doesn’t always need treating with meds, it is down to personal choice and your own experience on how it’s effecting Your life. If you’ve got a diagnosis already you can speak to your doctor and discuss options. Therapy is also great, you can also seek an adhd coach altho that might not be specifically aimed at treating depression. Before you take antidepressants check the type, lots of adhd ppl report SSRIs aren’t as effective for them.

As far as I understand ppl notice changes quite soon after taking adhd meds, but they’re not a magic wand. You still need to focus on setting up systems and routines that work for you. And you can still end up focusing on the wrong thing! I’ve only taken one type, and it helped with my day to day functionality and focus a lot, mainly stopping me from jumping between tasks too much or just completely going on a tangent.

I hope a bit of this helps. I’m by no means an expert, but happy to share my personal experiences. :)

[imagining-in-the-margins]

im honestly sorry if you feel triggered by this, but how do you feel about mgg fans diagnosing him adhd to excuse him saying the r word? isnt that invalidating towards neurodivergent people because hes not actually diagnosed with it? for some reason that just really bothers me (i have horrible adhd that i actually take medication for and it's awful so it annoys me when ppl ask diagnose with it)

So, I don’t have ADHD - I’m neurodivergent because I am autistic - just want to put that out there before I move on. 

From my understanding, people mistakenly think that he is actually diagnosed. I’ve seen a few people swear they’ve heard him say it. I’ve searched for awhile, but never been able to find any sign of Matthew explicitly calling himself ND in any manner. Since I think a lot of it comes from a genuine misunderstanding, it doesn’t bother me at all. (*If someone has proof he’s identified that way, please let me know and show me the link!).

As for people who are actually openly and admittedly armchair diagnosing, I take issue with that. I’m a firm believer in self-diagnosis, particularly in America and for adults over the age of 20 with NDs, specifically. It is way harder than a lot of people understand to get a proper autism dx in America if you’re an adult. If my parents weren’t willing/able to testify to my childhood, no psychiatrist would believe me. I think a lot of younger folks don’t realize how much our understanding of neurodiversity has changed in the last three years, nonetheless the last thirteen.

HOWEVER, armchair diagnosis is awful in my eyes. I am not a fan for a number of reasons, part of which being that there is often a bias by the person doing it. A lot of ND symptoms overlap between all of the different “qualifying disorders,” and I constantly see people say X is evidence of Y, when the correct statement is X can be evidence of ABCDEFGHIJKLM- (You get the point).

When it’s done by a NT or able bodied person, I get even more upset. They have no business guessing what it’s like to be us or talk about how they perceive us. It’s not their business. They need to keep their (usually ableist) opinions to themselves, period. I don’t want to hear about whether or not they think there is something “wrong” with literally anyone, ever (that includes Cheeto Man, who people seem real comfortable throwing “bad” mental illness labels on).

Lastly, my biggest problem with armchair diagnosis or outing someone’s disability they don’t outwardly express is that it takes the autonomy away from the person that matters. I personally don’t think it’s right to reclaim a slur if you don’t identify yourself as a member of that demographic, since you are benefiting from the pain without any of the work/danger. That being said, some people’s opinions differ. Our histories with our own disabilities and how the world reacts to them are all very different.

Do I think Matthew is ND? Possibly, but it’s not my place to say that for him. If he doesn’t say he is, then I’ll assume that he is not, because that’s probably what he wants. Until he says otherwise, I will assume that he does not want to be identified as ND, and in my opinion, he shouldn’t say the R slur (which, he hasn’t said in almost 5 years now, has removed from his very first directed works and website, is part of a campaign to replace the word, and he has started heavily advocating for adults with intellectual & developmental disabilities - one of THE most neglected demographics). 

Finally, I actually have some semi-controversial feelings about the R-slur itself and who should feel comfortable reclaiming it. The ND umbrella is extremely massive, and includes wildly different experiences. When specifically referencing the R-slur, the people whose opinions should be amplified the most, to me, are the people with intellectual and developmental disabilities that also suffered at the hands of the educational system.

As someone who was in school in the nineties, I went from being officially marked the R-slur on my educational record & being told I’d never be able to hold a job or be a functioning member of society... to being told I needed to skip 3 grades & that I was a genius... Those two experiences are so, so, so, so, SO painfully different. Sure, I still got called the R-slur for my other behaviors outside of the educational context, but we can’t erase the VERY different experiences in SpEd and TAG programs. I just want people to think about that, too. I personally get kind of uncomfortable when people who’ve never struggled with learning or intelligence tests tell me they get to use the word. I don’t feel comfortable using the word, but I also grew up in a very different time. I’m glad that people feel more comfortable with reclaiming the word now, though, because it means we’ve made progress and they feel safer with it! There’s a lot to it, and it’s an intracommunity discussion, anyway.

That’s a brief summary on my feelings. Mainly I want people to be patient with people who say he has ADHD just because I think a lot of people genuinely (albeit mistakenly) believe he’s identified that way. A lot of ND people cling to any representation we can find because it is so rare to find. I try to be more understanding with the topic for that reason.

[sad-sshit]

things that make me thing that I might have autism

hello! I am a 20 yr afab. I have thought I might have autism since I was about 17. I also have dyslexia, OCD, anxiety and depression. I can't afford to get tested and my gp doesn't really care. Here is just a list of things that makes me think I might have autism. It isn't everything but off the top of my head.

- every xmas with my family I get overwhelmed. it is too loud, too many people I have to talk to, smells, have to eat food that I don't eat. I use to always cry and stay in a room by myself after about an hour.

- In school, I use to play with stim toys when I first got diagnosed with dyslexia. they made me feel better and made things easier.

- I don't make eye contact. If I do, it will always be for a second. Really didn't know that people made eye contact all the time.

- I find it really hard to make friends. If I do have a friend, it is normally one at a time. find it really hard to commutation with more than one person. and it is normally an intense friendship.

-I always got called smart at school but never really worked hard.

- have a really hard time with executive function

- the smell/taste/texture of meat is horrible. I always thought it was disgusting and I can't stand it. when I use to eat meat I hated eating, I thought the texture was the worst thing.

- I can't stand the sound of teeth brushing. it hurts and it overwhelms me. I think it is generally the sound of bristles.

-also the feeling of non-cotton clothes, cutting boards, wool, carpet, most blankets. just off the top of my head.

- So many times I have said something and people just look at me like I am mad. It is really annoying/sad when it happens because it doesn't make sense. It is better when I am with my boyfriend/sister as they tell me when I say something.

-I get confused and really anxious when I am in social situations. I never know what to say as it is always unplanned. unless it is something I have scripted in my head before.

-I don't always get jokes. I hate when people make them and laugh I just laugh with them even if I don't get them.

-always felt a bit 'off' and 'different than others. As a kid, I always had a really hard time talking to people for YEARS. It took me about 15 to understand some social ques etc.

-(Can't remember the term) throughout my life, had intent love/interest: for bob the builder(2-5yr) scooby doo(5-10yr), dr who(8-13yr), lego(8-11)twilight(9-13yr), dan and Phil, MCr, FOB,(12-16yr), tfm, frank ocean, (16-18yr), archer, bob burgers(15-20yr)

- have a hard time audio processing. I use closed captions and hate watching things with others as I just don't understand what the people are saying.

- I like the feeling of pressure on me idk how to explain it but things like being wrapped around me. not when people touch me.

- also got called sensitive, small things really upset me

-when something doesn't go to planned or doesn't follow how things were meant to go I always seem to cry and get really overwhelmed.

- hate ppl being close and touching me

- white light hurts

- cant write a bike or swim (idk it if is related but i think it is)

there is more but these are just things I thought of. I'll add more later

[bigskydreaming]

So it took interest rates that were like WE OWN UR SOUL NOW U FOOL HAHA TWILL BE OURS FOREVER, but joke’s on them lol like I never use that thing anyway. But I got the personal loan for $10K in the end after like a month of searching but who knew that obsessively raising my credit score for a year by like....occasionally chilling all night in an IHOP rather than use a credit card too much on a room would like....pay off with a credit score that actually is useful to me in a way that means I don’t even care right now that hahaha credit scores are just pointless imaginary numbers that really only exist because capitalism’s a dick?

Look I’m allowed to be a hypocrite for three weeks let me have this, I promise I’ll go back to ranting about people selling their souls for the sake of strings of binary code on a computer screen, like just cuz I wasn’t using mine doesn’t mean other ppl don’t want theirs.

Because oh yeah so I was like gimme the loan plz and they were like ugh fine and I somehow got my credit card companies to raise my limits because I’ve had them for over a year now and I honestly couldn’t even tell you how I convinced them to do that like did I haggle did I beg did I put out, who knows, it’s been a very long and strange and sleep deprived month and that’s on top of a long, strange, sleep-deprives two years. Point is between raising my limits on those two, the loan of DOOM and getting a CareCredit card with the remaining credit left to me or before the latter realized I’d just massively dinged my credit cuz the raised limits and loan hadn’t been reported yet, I came up with the $12400. Like again most of that is in the form of imaginary money that I’ll probably spend years paying out of future paychecks so if anyone wants to go ahead and put The Revolution on the books for like, say October, that would actually really work for me. I’d even be all pumped and full of rest and vigor and extra fightey and like, you know how fightey I usually am to begin with I’m just saying....

So now I am literally just waiting for my loan check to clear in my bank account cuz my doctor doesn’t accept checks. Second it does, probably Monday, I’ll go down to my doctors office, pay the $6200 upfront and finish the insurance paperwork for them to submit the claim for the insurance company’s part of it, and they can officially schedule my surgery, possibly in as little as three weeks??!!

Which is absolutely surreal to me, like after literal years of treading water and setbacks and everything dragging out endlessly and he’ll even just yesterday, it’s utterly bizarre finishing my stuff at my bank and doctor’s this morning and hearing how matter of fact they all are about how quickly things could happen now and like. Finally be over. Or like, start lol in the sense of holy shit I could actually maybe have an actual life again.

They can’t confirm a date until my first payment is processed, only then does she officially put me on the books at Cedar Sinai when they can get me into an open OR, but it hopefully could be the 20th. She’s already got another surgery scheduled for that day and an OR booked for it with potential slots before and after it but I can’t count on the 20th as a given just yet. Could still be one, two or even three weeks after that before they actually fit me in, so I’m trying not to set my thoughts and hopes too much on that three weeks from now appointment but that’s easier said than done. LOL.

But whenever it’s actually set for, I go in the day of, pay the second half of the payment, and the surgery takes a few hours but they send me home the same day. My high school friend from San Diego hopefully is going to be able to take enough time off to look out for me while I recover, we’ve been tentatively planning for that for most of a year but couldn’t guarantee anything with her work until we had actual dates which I mean we still don’t technically have. But my jaw will be wired shut for ten days so there’s no way I can manage on my own, esp the way I’ve been getting by day-to-day, and I’ll be on a liquid diet and having to drink everything through a special straw and stuff and completely unable to talk the whole time and oh yeah also apparently in agonizing pain that I’ve been extensively warned could put anything I’ve experienced thus far to shame, so I’m really REALLY looking forward to that part lol. Currently pondering the viability of just knocking myself unconscious every day. We’ll see how it goes.

But after that I go back in ten days later and they unwire my jaw, check that everything looks okay and I’m healing the way I’m supposed to, and I have two weeks of physical therapy and....that’s it. It’s over. I’m just. I’m just leaving that right there for now because I honestly don’t even know what to do with that thought after all this time, it’s. Like I can’t quite wrap my head around it and even really picture how that works. Idk my brain just fizzes out and it’s like wait, are you sure, that doesn’t sound right.

But like I made them go over it multiple times to make sure I wasn’t missing anything or understanding it wrong or whatever, like my doctor was this combination of kinda amused but also exasperated when I finally stopped asking to go over it all again. LOL look I just really really really needed to be sure there wasn’t something else involved that like I was supposed to already know or have been told by someone else, I don’t know okay? Anyone who’s been following me the last couple years knows that this isn’t how this sort of things go, they’re supposed to get my hopes up and then tell me they have no clue what’s wrong or send me off to someone else or tell me oh yeah you also need another thirty thousand and an MRI and some headgear that’s like made of platinum, but we just thought you already knew that. LOL.

But. I mean. Yeah. That’s it. I checked. A lot. Theoretically though unless there’s some new bizarre development in which case I will most likely detach my spirit from my body and evolve into my ultimate great rage power Digimon form, AreYouFreakingKiddingMeMon, and go like, fight god or the physical embodiment of the universe or whatever like I keep threatening....like, that really is what’s left. And then it’s all over. My jaw should by all accounts be restored to its full functionality from before all this. No more pain, no more eternal headache, no vertigo, blind-outs, no problems eating any particular food or swallowing or 45 degree slope to my lower jaw, none of the shit that’s been my day to day existence for well. Years. LOL.

Yeah. Really don’t know what to do with that yet. I just. Can’t. Haha.

Anyway, as I’ve said before, I literally couldn’t have made it to this point without the support of people here, both emotionally and financially. I hate to ask it because you’ve helped so much already, but I’m definitely going to have to ask for your help a little longer, there’s just no way around it. I am completely wiped and tbh overwhelmed so I’m probably going to try and sleep the rest of the day - I was pretty much up all night, unable to sleep while I waited to hear back on all this.

Then when my head’s fully processing things again and not friztzing our because I’ve forgotten how to process good news, lol, I’ll probably be putting together a post asking for your help paying my insurance premiums one last time, and on Monday or once I get the official set in stone date for my surgery I’ll be doing another, basically begging you guys to help keep me afloat the hopefully no more than three weeks til then.

I really really hate having to do that when I know you all have helped and given so much already, and it’ll literally be nothing more than my basic expenses of motel room and food, I don’t need anything beyond that, but I truly don’t see anyway around it. I exhausted every possible avenue available for me to try with my credit in order to get this loan and raise my limits enough, and I milked every cent I could out of those. There’s just no more money to be pulled out of any of that, it took everything I had to get what I needed for the surgery. And I’m afraid of the very real possibility that if I don’t ask for this help because of pride or because of how much I’ve asked for already, I’ll end up using one of my credit cards to pay for my room and such and end up stuck without enough money at hand to cover the second half payment on my day of surgery and I truly literally can not afford that. I have no idea what will happen with my insurance if I have to reschedule, how long it would take to reschedule, etc.

And the other side of this is there’s really not a whole lot left I can do for work at the moment. I’ve finished off all my existing projects except for one last cover and they already paid for it in advance. I honestly don’t know that I could take on new jobs if it ends up with my surgery on the 20th in just three weeks. Searching for more jobs and clients has become more and more time consuming these past months as is, and the simple truth is I couldn’t in good conscience or in honesty guarantee any new clients that I could finish their job in that time frame. Not with my present state physically and mentally and the uncertainty of my day to day expenses and stress about potential complications hanging over my head and not, truthfully, mixing all that well with my pre-existing mental health conditions lol. And yeah, if I can’t guarantee getting any new projects done in three weeks, I can’t afford to take them on for any potential client’s sake, not to mention the sake of my professional reputation, which I will really need to be, y’know, intact, in order to rebuild my life basically from the ground up, once my previous physicality and quality of life comes back after my surgery and recovery (knock on wood). With at least two or three weeks of recovery after the surgery even assuming it goes well and has no other complications, that’s way too much time to leave clients hanging and not be available to address any needs, concerns, revisions, etc. Especially if they’re not returning clients but brand new ones.

So yeah, as much as I would love to not have to ask for any more help than I already have and have been given, I sincerely just don’t see any alternatives that don’t jeopardize or risk wasting all the help I’ve already been given. You know I am fully aware of just how much that is and what its cost some of you, and I already could never repay you for this, not even in terms of just the money itself, but the fact that I know some of you have given at your own very real expense, sending me money that you really could have used yourself, that wasn’t any kind of surplus. I am already beyond grateful and humbled and overwhelmed how many of you have stepped forward to help me in ways that even though I’m older than many of you, I honestly have no precedent for, in ways and to an extent I’ve never received help or support from family. So I just needed to say that again, because I have not asked for any of this lightly, and I don’t now either. Really, really thank you. I’m not exaggerating or being dramatic or hyperbolic or silly for a change, when I say you guys most likely saved my life. Its simple fact. Hell, I was genuinely hours away from sleeping outside freezing my ass off in December, that first time I posted asking for help and you guys came through for me. So, yeah. I will never ever forget this, and never ever be able to give back as much as I’ve been given these past few months, though I will always do my best to pay it forward.

I’m going to go ahead and leave my paypal link here anyway, though I’ll be making those two additional posts tomorrow and next week, as I said. Aiming to keep them shorter than this, well, shorter than any of my posts, really, as shorter posts really just get more traction and I’ll need that. I can always link to the longer explanations of my situation for those wanting to know more.

Again, thank you all more than I can figure out how to put into words. I’m finally. Fuck. LOL. Sorry, I’m being very umm, sentimental over here but like its your fault I’m overwhelmed lol, like omg you guys, you can’t just throw love and affection and support at a guy with so much childhood traaaaaaaaauma, his brain doesn’t know how to handle it, look, you broke him. Are you happy? You broke his brain machine.

Okay cool, we’re back to inanity and obnoxious humor as an overcompensating self-defense mechanism, whew, everything’s normal, everyone can relax. LOL. Anyway, I’m gonna shut up now and go try and get some rest. Just know that I’m doing so feeling way more....hopeful? Optimistic? Faith-in-humanity-and-goodwill-and-community-ey? Than I have in years.

....the fact that I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now is called probably tells you all you need to know about me, huh? LMFAO God I’m so messed up lol. But whatever. Still alive and kicking. So. Y’know. There’s always that.

https://paypal.me/bigskydreaming?locale.x=en_US

[strawberry-milktea]

I don't want to socialize. I don't like it. I don't even want a huge group of friends--maybe a couple I feel comfortable with. I don't want a bf til I can be independent. I do want to move out and have my own space. And I want a fulfiling job. That is my dream. Specifically to write and fight injustice like terrorism, human trafficking, abuse (no idea how to do that). Never wanted to be conventional. Have a pet sitting "business" - always hard to talk to clients, rather be w animals. I have a ha

I have a hard time trusting God because I do not want to do things I don’t like. I want to do the things I want to do for a living; God wants me to do something social. Anyone who is not good at social things is less in the eyes of God and everyone else. I do NOT want to have such a shameful weakness- I mean, afraid of people? How stupid. But I would rather be alone and read, write etc most of the time. I like it better that being w ppl. But God wants us to love ppl and be w them all the time

I mean, you have to be good at social things to be successful, to have a job. If you aren’t, you have to make up for it in a LOT of skills of other kinds. Which I don’t have. I do not want a walmart job- but couldn’t even do that, much less what I want to do–something to do with national security etc. I

If God wants me to change and be social, then that IS where my value lies and I am not valuable like this.

Had internship after school but they fired me bc I was too nervous and couldn’t do the job. W public defender. Had to interview ppl in jail and ask them questions from a sheet. There was a math question on it. Could not figure it out. They gave me a book to learn it but I could not concentrate w ppl around. Math+social? Impossible. Same w vol this summer- messed up change bc customer talking to me. Don’t know what I actually have ability to do… :( cant be at parents forever.

I don’t want to be weak. I want to be strong. I want to use my strengths to glorify God. Ppl using their strengths in a job, their talents, will make both them and others happy bc it will simply be a better product. Who wants to read a book by a bad author, for example?

I have asked God for help. To get me a job. Make me do things. He did not help me.

—

Hi there,

Personally speaking, I’m not big on socializing. I’m the type of person who enjoys spending time with people who I am close with and trust.. and that’s only a handful of people. If I’m comfortable with you, I can keep talking for a long time and I genuinely enjoy it! But if I’m not comfortable with someone and/or it’s just surface small talk, it can start to feel like interacting becomes a chore or it can feel a bit awkward. I also get drained and anxious feeling pretty quickly in settings with large crowds. I’m an introvert and it sounds like you are too - and introversion is definitely not something inherently negative or wrong. But the concern here regarding your situation is it seems like your introversion is related to a lot of deep-seated fears (which if I recall correctly, are linked to past hurts) and it’s interfering with your life in a way that is making you unhappy. And it’s definitely clear that the enemy is preying on this by doing a number on your self-confidence and feeding you the lie that you aren’t valuable or loved by God if socializing is a challenge for you.

Your claim that “anyone who is not good at social things is less in the eyes of God and everyone else” is not Biblical. God’s love for us is proven by the fact that He died on the cross to make the free gift of salvation through faith in Christ possible. The Word also tells us that we become righteous in His eyes as a result of accepting Christ so that our sins are washed away and we become white as snow.

“For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” - 2 Corinthians 5:21

“Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.” - Isaiah 1:18

There is no reason to believe that God loves you less or thinks of you as lesser because socializing is difficult for you. That’s a flat out lie from the enemy meant to attack your confidence and weaken your faith in God. You’re correct when you say God wants us to always love others. However, it is inaccurate to say God expects us to be around people all the time. One example that proves God does not expect this is that we are told to pray in private and spend time alone with the Father (Matthew 6:6). We are not commanded to be in the presence of others 24/7 nor is always being around people socializing a requirement to fulfill the command of to loving others.

Socializing does serve various purposes that can help both yourself and others, and glorify Him. One example of this is carrying out the Great Commission. Communicating with others is how we tell people about Christ. However, you don’t have to be the strong at verbally talking in order to socialize and communicate with others. He can use the areas you do have strengths in to serve others. And at the same time, He can help you get stronger at the areas of socializing you aren’t so strong at - but you have to allow Him to do that work in you. If you completely shut yourself off to the idea of doing things outside of your comfort zone, He won’t force His help upon you.

Using myself as an example, I am definitely stronger at articulating myself about matters of faith in writing versus verbally speaking. Sometimes I get nervous verbally speaking and the enemy likes to attack my confidence in these moments. I believe that He allowed for me to use this blog as a means of carrying out the Great Commission because a strength of mine lies in written communication. But at the same time, He’s put me in situations of verbally talking to people about faith to show me that even though communicating verbally isn’t my strongest area, He provides the perfect words and the nervousness melts away when you trust and allow Him to work in you.

Another example relating to your situation about work concerns is that when I first started working, I was terrified to answer the phones. I was so afraid of sounding silly and talking to a stranger on the other end of the line. However, I made peace with the fact that this is a big part of my job. And it certainly felt awkward at first because it was outside of my comfort zone. But when I kept doing it, it became something I do without a second thought - and it feels really nice when I think about how nervous I used to feel over it and how now it’s really not much of a big deal. I sometimes still get moments where fumble over my words a little because like I said, verbal communication isn’t one of my strongest areas. I don’t think I’ll ever feel as much ease handling work phone calls as I do when say talking to a family member or a friend. But that’s okay - I don’t need to be perfect at articulating myself or feel comfort as if the person on the other end of the line is my best friend in order to get my job done. Likewise, you don’t have to demand a level of perfection of yourself in socializing in order to be functional at the job that He wants for you.

What is so important to understand is that when you ask God for help, you have to be willing to accept that help. He won’t force you or make you do something.. you’ve admitted that you don’t want to do things that you don’t want to. So if you’ve made up your mind that you can’t socialize, it’s impossible for it to be any other way, and you won’t keep trying at it, He won’t make you do something differently. You have freewill.. and if you use your freewill to be stubborn and refuse for Him to work in you because you’re afraid and/or don’t want to do things outside of your comfort zone, He will respect that decision. You can’t accuse Him of not helping you when you are only willing to accept His help on your terms and not His. And by refusing the idea of any type of change or doing something that is potentially uncomfortable until you get used to it, you can block Him from working in you - not because He isn’t able to or doesn’t want to, but because He won’t force you to change or take a certain action. It’s unfair to believe He isn’t helping you if you’re expecting Him to make you do something, simply because He doesn’t make people do things. That would work against the freewill He has given us if He forced us to do things against our will.

I can’t know what God specifically wants for you in terms of the job meant for you.. I can offer my thoughts and advice based on what you tell me, but when it comes to what path He wants for you, I have no way of knowing that. That’s why it’s so important for you pray and seek His guidance with this, as this is something between you and Him. I think you also need to reach a point of accepting that there will be some degree of communication necessary, no matter what that job is. The degree of socializing in jobs will vary, but every job requires some sort of communication with others in order for tasks to he completed. Even people who are self-employed have to communicate with others at times. You of course aren’t required to be in a job where there’s a lot of socializing involved, but you will need to do it sometimes no matter what the job - your pet sitting business is an example of that. Even though you work with the pets most of the time, you still have to talk with the pets’ owners at times.

It’s not a shameful weakness to have a hard time communicating with people, and it’s not something impossible to get stronger with. It may be impossible to get past this by your own power, but it’s possible when you seek Christ and rely on Him for strength. The Word tells us all things are possible with Christ.

“But Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.’” - Matthew 19:26

“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” - Philippians 4:13

Try to tackle the fear and consider what is motivating your fear of socializing. Are you afraid of looking silly to others? Afraid of what they think of you? Ask yourself: what is the worst that can happen if you say stuttered or lost your train of thought when talking to someone out of nervousness? Chances are you are actually thinking worse of yourself than what the other person is thinking of you. Also, it’s important to remember when you accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior, you seek His approval - you no longer need to be in the bondage of seeking approval of man:

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” - Galatians 1:10

That’s why it’s so important to adapt the mindset of, “Even if someone did decide to think I’m weird because I stumbled over my words or felt nervous talking to them.. so what? What they think of me ultimately doesn’t matter.” I’m definitely not saying this is a mindset that is easy to have or one that you adapt to overnight. It’s something I still struggle with at times, too. But when I find myself in those moments, I try to ask myself if I’m worrying about what others think or what He thinks, if my worrying over what others think will even ultimately matter in any way or is it just the enemy preying on my self-consciousness. With His help and continually drawing nearer to Him/strengthening your relationship with Him, you can overcome this fear. He can help you to lay down the fears and self-consciousness and have an easier time communicating. At first it may feel difficult and like something you don’t want to do, but growth often feels like something you don’t want to do in the moment. But after you get past the discomfort and see how He’s helped you to become stronger, you find yourself thankful that you listened to Him and didn’t remain stagnant in your comfort zone.

Most people tend to want to remain in their comfort zones because it’s what is familiar to them. Many times, even if on some level a desire for something to change is there, it just feels good to remain in what you know with certainty you can do with ease. I see that in your words - you desire more (the right job, a boyfriend, independence, etc), but at the same time you want to only achieve these things on your terms and are stubborn against going outside the comfort zone out of fear. And I really do get it - the unknown can be scary and nobody enjoys the idea of venturing into something new with the possibility of failing at it. But we can’t allow the fear of the unknown and the possibility of failing to hold us back. When we do, it’s how we become stagnant and never move forward. Fear can be paralyzing, stopping you from succeeding and doing what He wants you to do before you even try. You can’t allow past times you haven’t succeeded to hold you back.. that’s the enemy using those times to chip away at your trust in the Lord and your confidence. The enemy loves reminding you of the parts of your past that you want to forget and leave behind.

I remember you mentioning in past messages your concerns about living with your parents. If you are worried about that, talk openly about it with them. Tell them your worries about living there until you find the right job. Chances are, they aren’t bothered by you living there but instead, it’s your own fear causing you to feel self-conscious about it. Maybe they could also offer you support and guidance about your career concerns, too.

You have a Heavenly Father who loves you and wants to guide you in this. You also have brothers and sisters in Christ who love you and want to help in any way they can. The enemy will try to make you believe you’re facing this alone, but you aren’t.

[neonstatic]

(transcripted convo)

i’m reposting a discussion i had w a terf. i previously posted screenshots but she messaged me and said she didn’t want her url or avatar displayed. editing the pics to post them again was hell so i’m posting a script instead (i learned my lesson tumblr: you suck). if anyone ends up finding the convo and thus the redacted speaker... idc. this is a public website and we technically had this convo in public - the notes of a post aren’t private spaces afaik. i’m posting this as proof that sometimes calmly reasoning with ppl lead to nothing. (i know anyone could say the same but lmao leave me alone.)

tw for transphobia/transmisogyny 

[redacted] (speaking to a transmasc discourser about the "woman path"): Ok let me explain what I mean :) if your experience was totally different then thats fine :) im 24 and when I was little i was encouraged to play with dolls and learn 'motherly things' like playing with baby dolls while my brother played with toy trucks. There was a lot of pressure at school to wear dresses, and be sweet and polite. @[transmasc discourser] then of course, learning to deal with periods and the shame and taboo around them. Removing body hair because its considered unladylike. Etc

@[transmasc discourser] have you had none of those experiences?

neonbaebae: these are all common experiences for women bc of gender roles/stereotypes but none of that defines womanhood as an identity.

[redacted]: completely agree they are gender roles. But menstruation isnt a gender role. Its a frustrating part of being female. But that said, what IS womanhood then?

(rest under cut)

neonbaebae: menstruation is a biological function that is in no way exclusive to female bodies. remember intersex ppl, who come in all forms and shapes. women aren't all the same and it's likewise for men. there are intersex women who don't fit all the criteria for being "female" yet still identify as women. there is a distinction to make between womanhood as an experience and womanhood as an identity.

the woman experience is what you've described. the woman identity is feeling like one, e.g.: liking female-coded clothes, makeup, hairstyles, feeling comfortable in the societal role of being a woman. identity is essentially abt self perception most of the time

[redacted]: intersex is unique and I respect that not all womens bodies are the same. Intersexuality is complex but it doesnt represent the majority of biological women. I dont have a strong baclground in intersex knowledge so I'm certainly not gonna speak on behalf of intersex women. so if identity is self perception (which I completely agree with) how can a biological man self perceive his femaleness.if he's never experienced it?

neonbaebae: trans women never identify with being male and all in entails. and they can see, thru watching women counterparts and how they interact with the world around them, that they id more w the idea of womanhood and much less w the idea of manhood. it's esp why dysphoria often settles around puberty bc the dissonance manifests physically and that's harder to handle

[redacted]: but what youre talking about is what trans women see women do.  If thats what someone aspires to, its a very basic and narrow understanding of  what womanhood is. Its only what they see. And people are far more complex than this. Does a biological male aspire to periods stigma, beauty conformity and lesser social stance in the world? Or do they aspire to femininity? Something many biological women dont feel comfortable with

neonbaebae: womanhood as an identity is a feeling that is strengthened by a disconnection to manhood, its polar opposite. someone who completely rejects the idea of being man is likely to prefer being a woman (not always but likely!). many trans women do aspire to femininity and it has nothing to do with the cis women who are uncomfortable w it, just like there are many cis women who embrace it too.

many trans women cannot quite explain their transition in another way than "being a man felt wrong but being a woman feels right and authentic to my true self". i'd suggest to ask an actual trans woman for her pov tho since i'm not one, i'm just basing myself on what i've heard them say

[redacted]: but feeling disconnected with manhood (which is understandable and gender roles are frustrating) doesnt make someone the opposite of a man. As society we need to open our understanding of gender expression. But this isnt the same as thinking 'if I dont feel like a conventional man or connect with male social expectations, then I must be the opposite'. Theres no logic in that

we live in a world where gender stereotype binaries are considered natural, and people who dont fit this understandably feel marginalised. In fact Id argue to a greater or lesser degree, none of us truly fit the prescribed gender binary.

but i find it problematic when a man thinks they're a woman based on what they think 'woman' is.

neonbaebae: you're right in saying that a disconnection from manhood doesn't make someone a woman - a connection to womanhood does. it has v little to do with the upbringing of women which you seem to define thru misogyny and menstruation alone which is frankly a pessimistic view of womanhood. it's less not feeling like a conventional man and more not feeling like a man At All. tru it doesn't sound logical but gender is not logical it's abstract and complex

it seems problematic bc one might think men would gain smth from iding as women but stats show that trans women are at higher risk of assault for being out and open, both of bc of misogyny (not directly related to having a vagina or menstruating after all) & transphobia. it's esp telling that trans men aren't targeted as much. do you disagree w trans men as well?

[redacted]: but as a women i dont connect with womanhood. Lol i am a women. It would be nice to think we live in a world where women are equal, but that's not the world we live in. Womanhood is hard. And we do live under a patriarchal society that's cultivated female inferiority over many centuries. We're still negotiating freedoms today.

Its not about gaining or loss. Its about the male right to self define womanhood on their terms, without the biological or social conditioning. In fact, many have recieved MALE conditioning as children. This comes with its own privileges.

I think transmale is a very different experience so no I categorise them very differently to transwomen

neonbaebae: "as a woman" you say. even if the experiences and stereotypes don't fit you perfectly, even if you reject it, you still id as a woman. you feel like one and you suffer the consequences of being one. believe it or not trans women suffer from iding as a woman as well and thrice as harshly. i can provide sources if you want.

trans women don't think like men bc they feel like women. the thought patterns are different. they don't digest the social messages abt men bc their mind doesn't relate to it. male entitlement and all doesn't apply to them. and in sociology alone womanhood is often defined as more than a biological or upbringing thing. it's a social identity and trans women have a right to it if they don't id and reject manhood altogether

my question tho was do you think trans men aren't men either cus otherwise that'd be hypocritical

[redacted]: my point is its not an identity. Its a reality. Im a woman. I have xx chromosomes and the world treats me as such. Similar to my race. I dont identify as my race, i am treated as the world sees me.

male entitlement does apply. Statistically baby boys are fed for longer than baby girls. And little girls are left to cry for longer than baby boys. Little girls learn many motherly caretaker roles while many of their male counterparts are encouraged to conquer the world. Children are raised by gender. Even subconsciously. I can also provide sources :)

there are many more male leaders and men in authoritive positions in the world. Women fight very hard for the same respect, but womens voices are less valued. It takes no genius to see men have greater standing in the world

about transmen. No I dont consider them men but I'll respectfully use the pronouns anyone prefers, male or female. Its common decency.

I think society needs to get more comfortable with non confirmative gender expression

neonboobear: but it is an identity. that's why there's a distinction between sex (bio) and gender (identity & expression). if it would feel wrong for you to be called a man or nonbinary then that'd be bc you don't id as such. (also there are women with chromosomes other than xx maybe you should avoid phrasing it that way.) i id as my race but race has v different roots & impact than gender historically and it cannot be compared. let's stick with gender.

and i'm not denying gendered socialization but it doesn't shape a child more than their personal feelings on their identity, which can differ v early in life bc (some) would rather engage in activities associated with the opposite gender for example. if it were that simple trans ppl wouldn't go at lengths to "play the part"

you're right society does need to accept gender non conformance but that's v different from the trans experience. i rly think you should have a deep conversation with a trans person to try and see their pov

[redacted]: if womanhood is an identity, it totally invalidates what it means to be female. And yes its arguable that there're are women who arent xx but how about the majority of the population that are. Must we pander to the few at the expense of the majority? also what makes you assume I dont talk to trans people? Critique doesnt mean lack of empathy.

Children and gendered socialization is complex. Maybe if 'feminine' activities werent coded as female and just 'childhood play' we wouldnt have the same degree of dysphoria. It goes back to the irrational logic, 'if I like the pink toy section then I must be a girl.'

neonboobear: i'm afraid that is your pov for the ideology that womanhood is an experience but also an identity is considered a v valid theory in the science field. the fact that there are women with chromosomes other than xx is proof alone that xx chromosomes aren't what makes a woman. and i've suggested a deep conversation and an intention to Understand the Other. not just a talk. i said nothing abt empathy.

there would be less dysphoria but i'm sure it's still be there. many think the abolition of gender would solve everything but i doubt so

[redacted]: i have a close mtf friend and we have the debate constantly. We don't always agree with her but there's a lot more common ground then you might expect :) Gender roles damn us all. Hmmmm... abolition of gender is impossible but theres is a lot that can be done to challenge gender expectations. But not an easy battle! neonbaebae: i mean this with the least offense okay but i sincerely think neither of you should be friends. i’m black and i’d never befriend a racist. that’s a lack of self respect on her part and a plain lack of respect on yours. 

i’d like to end this conversation here. i’ve said my point and i’d only repeat myself by continuing. and since i’m not a trans woman i don’t want to misinterpret them (so sorry if i’ve already did. trans girls feel free to bring up clarifications). might sound tedious but i strongly suggest you watch this 50-min long video essay by youtuber contrapoints. her vids are informative and entertaining and so v easy to digest despite the length. i’ve heard she’s not v liked in terf circles but it’s worth it to listen to what she has to say as a trans women.

[coxinyoface]

i usually don’t do this but it’s 4am, i’m cramping/anemic/generally in pain and out of it, i’m procrastinating, and it’s been like. probably 2 years since the last time i did one of these? so why not since i have new followers after my acpc obsession! (the reason why not is... i write too much, sorry. a couple others have tagged me recently with similar questions and i stopped myself but hey i’ll let it go this time and try to be social)

i’m not sure who else to tag. i see the top three ppl i recognize often in my notifications lately are @lonelylittlewarlock @betumbledpolaritis @lavender-aquarius so how ‘bout you guys? feel free to ignore if you’re not up for it tho

anyway:

Get to know me tag! got tagged by @sundaycrossing and @lilcasshole

Nickname: on this account most people just call me CIYF and that’s fine. i haven’t had a proper nickname in a long time and i try to keep this acc separate because. coxinyoface is not the best name to reference offline or with work/art stuff lmao. 

Gender: nonbinary. they/them preferred.

Starsign: taurus.

Height: 5′3″/1.6m-ish? i’m short and fat and friendshaped i like to think.

Hogwarts house: ravenclaw or hufflepuff. when i was little i’d insist ravenclaw bc i’m a nerd who tried to persuade themselves they like school, but i’m likely hufflepuff bc i try too hard n am painfully stupidly loyal. idk. hp house discourse frustrates me.

Favorite animal: this changes frequently bc birds but today... potoo. potoos are often my favorite bc they could be my fuckin fursona and i relate deeply.

Favorite color: grey. stormy grey i think.

Current favorite song: зын зын by jokeasses. i found this through a random video of someone dancing in nosferatu drag to it months ago (thanks internet) and it’s still stuck. i keep switching between looping this, boogie by brockhampton, or yellow ferrari by mystery skulls. i can loop the same song for 10+ hours at a time. i do this bc i can have up to 5 songs stuck in my head at the same time and this somewhat cures that. it’s bad.

Ways to get creative: well. listening to music until my brain melts is one way. it’s easy to get creative but difficult to be productive, so i’d say just. trying to really really enjoy an activity, whether it’s reading, watching, or playing something, and trying to hold onto that feeling when i work on something. and then 4am binges of researching random shit that i can use to inspire myself later.

What do you do when you’re home alone: i’m either on tumblr, watching youtube, reading fanfic, or working on work art or art prints. acpc became a thing bc of lack of sleep and bird cult aesthetic n distraction. i’m currently stuck in a fic cycle of interest, it switches a lot. current fandom is HP (again) but i’ve gone into fic hell for naruto, opm, mcu, fucking anything that makes me hate myself. but then, i’ve also been reading a lot of bnha and some of that shit is actually so healthy and wholesome i cried. i want to get back into anime.

Average hours of sleep: hooo boy. it used to be 2 hours, consecutively, with maybe 4 total a day, while in college. i’m trying to fix that and i think i’m getting 3 hours consecutively and 5-6 total? i was doing great at some point last year and was somehow getting 5 consecutive hours up to 8 but. well. sleep’s a bitch and i have sleep paralysis and insomnia. today i managed to sleep maybe 5 consecutive and 15 total holy shit because i dreamed i had a heart attack and was dying and believed it (bc sleep paralysis)! in reality it was anemia fuckin me up today thanks google  

Cats or dogs?: cats. sorry dogs, i love you but you have too much energy. besides i feel like cat people are dogs and dog people are cats, and i’ve worked very hard to earn my cats love so i’m loyal now lmao

Numbers of blankets you sleep with: i’m going to say pillows instead, because i live in a warm area and blankets are the mortal enemy. so--four. one to make sure i don’t smash into the wall, one for my head that i will never use as i slowly rotate like a flailing turtle on its back, one for my legs to make sure i don’t kick, and one to hug so i don’t punch.

Dream job: honestly my standards are so damn low i’d probably do any digital illustration/graphic design art job that (1)pays decently for my area where (2)the clients weren’t from hell and (3)i could work from home. like. i used to have specifics like ~concept art~ and shit but i had a good couple of work months (before some very bad ones) where one really good nonprofit client made me realize i genuinely don’t give a fuck what i do so long as it genuinely helps someone/somepeople and also helps me exist.

Dream trip: i. don’t actually want to travel much. tbh, i did japan, korea, and the philippines in one week somehow, and it killed my interest in traveling due to over-planning. if i could go back in time and do it again, maybe i’d spend more time chilling in japan? i just want lipton milk tea in those lil cartons. why can’t they make those here. and omurice. and katsu. and... ok i’d travel to japan again just for food fuck it.

Sexuality: It’s Complicated but for simplification, grey ace. i say aro-ace but go back and forth using that label because it’s useful but��i can’t tell if i’m aro or just too anxious to function bc i feel like i’m somehow tricking people if they like me, and have no idea what i find attractive in the weird range of people i’ve been attracted to or to what degree i am attracted. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ tbh, QPRs seem way more appealing to me because i’m just that kinda grey gay. none of this matters unless i maintain a healthier lifestyle that isn’t a hot mess or somehow get the fuck over myself tho. idk one day i’ll be more socially active again.

When did you make this account?: shit, like... 6 years ago i think? oof. a lot changes over six years. if i wasn’t lazy i’d make a new shitpost account so i could pretend to forget what an ass i was but i can’t even separate most of my interests by blog.

Number of followers: 3,050, around. it hovers back and forth due to i assume bots and ppl getting very confused. those of u here for youtubes, thanks for sticking around all these years and i’m sorry; those of u here for acpc, i’m sorry and hope you enjoy me being really mad abt acpc. i have no idea how accurate follower count really is, though; apparently my highest activity was back in 2015 and i had less than 2k then i think? fuck if i understand tumblr

anyway if you’ve somehow read through all of that thanks for listening to the ramblings of a madman hopped up on pain at 6am you’re a champ and this random online stranger loves you and wishes you a good day

[bittersot]

2020-12-17 pt

Wrote this to vent and it became much longer than planned:

So I've been feeling like shit since I was 13 cause around that time I got depression due to me ending up in a class with mostly new ppl(I had pretty much only gone to school with ppl who had known me since kindergarten until then), and at the age where me being autistic being very obvious to everyone around me and me feeling extremely othered and cut everyone off because of #fear due to social anxiety when I got singled out by my classmates, and I didn't know what was wrong with me, or that anything WAS inherently different abt me, I thought I had ADHD at age 17 and got diagnosed with that + Autism(which I didn't expect at all) right before I turned 19.

And inbetween the age of 13-17 I did a LOT of introspection to like, "solve" what I did wrong so I could get along with people again, and I realized that I fucking hated my dad and that he has raised me and my siblings to take criticism and bullying, because ever since I was little, whenever me or my siblings did something bad/wrong (cause we were KIDS lol) we were met with snide comments and made to feel bad for not knowing things, and learned to lash out and attack to "defend" ourselves because we felt that we had to, cause we were told our everything would attacked whenever anyone said anything ever. And that + RSD was NOT a good recipe for most of my life (and still affects me to this day).

I would compulsively lie because when you have ADHD you fuck up a LOT due to impulsiveness, and never learned how to back off and do things calmly cause admitting I was wrong was equal to admitting that I was worthless and would never make it on my own(my father has said this exact thing in swedish). And like, my mother never defended me and instead defended HIM by telling me that "old dogs can't learn new tricks" when I talked about how he invalidated my emotions and how he made fun of my little brother SPITTING on me and tried to play it off when he could tell I was clearly hurt because it made HIM uncomfortable to deal with.

He has clearly never actually wanted us kids and had us to make my mother happy but didn't actually think too much about actually raising us, much less that we'd be around for(at least) 20 years.

Anyways, so, my point is, I have wanted to move out for a WHILE, because my family have been terrible for my mental health and I can't stand eating with them cause I'm autistic and they are loud and it wears me out and everyone is competetive cause we were raised that way and all advice I offer to them in how to deal with their issues and what I can do to make shit easier for them is brushed off. I want to move out cause I've noticed that lately, when I am home alone with only my cat I feel as if I have SO much more free time, cooking went by fast and I felt like I had time to do everything I wanted, despite being at work 9 hours every day + transit to and from work taking roughly 1 hour itself. When I was alone I felt more comfortable to move around in the house, it's like when an option showed up, I still had issues with executive functioning and doing stuff immediately, but I did do it, and I've noticed that when the rest of the family is home, there is a 90% chance that whenver I am deciding on what to do(eat, shower, bake, draw, play video games etc) that I just end up going to my room and lying in my bed, not sleeping, but not really enjoying it either, I just, don't feel comfortable doing anything with them around, they tire me out.

So, I want to move out, but I just recently got my first job, and there is a LOT to do when caring for your own place, even if its an apartment run by.landlord, and, besides all that, I could NEVER live alone, I NEED to have at least 1 more roomate, and here's the thing: I cut off EVERYONE in highschool, I don't hang out/talk with anyone my age in Sweden. Not only that, I'm autistic, regulation deficit, bisexual and questioning my gender, and on top of all that, I am very opinionated, so to find someone who 1, is not ableist/homophobic/transphobic/racist, and 2, is very much like me in terms of morals and 3, can STAND being around me, I am going to need to be SUPER picky. And like, finding other LGBT people in Stockholm around my age alone is difficult, I've tried on social media and barely gotten anywhere, and lord knows I don't know my social places where others like me would hang out.

I've always been the black sheep of the family and I don't think my siblings don't have it hard, but they very much do not understand what it's like to have no one around IRL who you can trust completely, and they like to make fun of it. I've never told them about my neurodivergence, but at this point I would be genuinely surprised if they didn't at least expect it. The thing is, they shit on things I do because of it all the time, in front of my parents, who know I am neurodivergent, and they do nothing about it, because me defending myself is on the same level on them calling me weird for very obvious autistic traits that aren't in anyway harmful. And I do think my mom wants me to be happy, and wants to care for me, but I really do think that she also wishes I wasn't like this, and that she too would be happier if I moved out, or didn't even exist at all. This is where I start crying while writing this, ha ha ha.

Anyways, my little brother has made fun of me for being uncomfortable with him screaming ableist slurs specifically to bother me, and my sister calls me weird and annoying for not wanting to eat with the rest of the family(when they always yell and almost constantly argue), and outright said she doesn't want me to live here anymore, and I'm just. Tired. I agree with you, I don't want to be here, but you don't understand what it is like to not have anywhere to turn, you're always surrounded by friends and make sure to rub it in how weird it is for me not to be the same.

I don’t know what to do, I got a job, I got a goal, a degree I desire, and ideas as to who I want to be, what I want to do and who I want to surround myself with. I’ve tried looking, and I’m going to keep trying until I find the friends I can trust. I wrote all of this originally to quickly vent about how my little sister telling me she doesn’t want me here anymore feels like it has all come full circle in a way since I turned 13, seeing as she herself is 13 now. She’s absolutely being dramatic, I know that, but I also think she’s honest, I know she is, I think we all would be happier if I didn’t live here, but I know it wouldn’t solve the rest of the issues with this family, the way she thinks it would.

So to end it all, I posted about the hunger thing earlier today, so I guess I’ll leave something else here as well, because it made me realize how much I forget over the years. The only reason I get by is due to my OCs, I have no emotional intimacy with anyone else, but if I may say, I’m pretty good at understanding the complexity of individuals, and make up different scenarios in my head where I go through different things. Not that it can be compared to real beings, but being able to come out, handle rejection, deal with ableism, workout how to explain my desires and wants to others, have prevented me from stagnating over the years of this solitude, and I rely on them a lot, which I’m sure I’ll forget in 10 years if I’m still around by then. Well, anyways, this rant is now 7500 symbols long, as well as 2 google docs pages. so I’m going to end it here, future me, if you read this far, drink water and brush your teeth.

[seraph-shield]

i don't understand why mineta exists. his whole personality is: pervert. how is that okay? what's the appeal to fans? why does horikoshi want to have fans like that? does he actually want fans to relate to mineta? is horikoshi actually that gross and perverted himself that he thinks it's NOT weird? don't even get me STARTED on momo's character design! her quirk is so powerful! as a reader, i'm interested by her faltering self worth, but seriously? i can't NOT look at her boobs. am i just niaïve?

Hey there. I’ve had this ask for a while, thinking about how to answer it. I usually try to keep negativity off this blog. These are my opinions too of course. I don’t make excuses for any of these problems. I don’t agree with them. But idk I just don’t post about them a lot? I try not to let the negatives keep me from enjoying everything else that is really great. Because there are negatives literally everywhere, and it is too exhausting for me to think about them continuously. But I’ll go ahead and use this ask to let my word out lolol

I completely, totally agree that mineta is a huge rotten perverted scumbag, and I greatly await the day that he learns his fucking lesson. Like major repercussions, not just funny quips from various characters to temporarily put him in his place. How is it okay for a person like this to be a hero? When his actions and comments would make literally over half the population very uncomfortable? I would literally rather be crushed to death in the hands of a villain than for a pro hero mineta to lay his hands on me. I want Aizawa to lay into him man, I want to see it so bad.

I’m not sure where horikoshi is going with him tbh? Based on some of his comments i’ve seen, he seems like a but of a perv himself tbh. He probably is putting his own hidden humor within mineta. As well as that, Mineta unfortunately DOES represent a specific type of 15 year old boy. If you have a class of newly pubescent teen boys, there are at least a few that are just as bad as him, unfortunately :/ However, I don’t think the fans are suppose to relate to him? And least the majority of them. It is a thing meant for comic relief, which is disgusting bc perverseness is in no way ok or laughable. But to look at mineta in the most optimistic way i can think of: maybe we are supposed to find more humor/relatableness in the way other characters react to him? Since we all know ppl like him, maybe its a feel good thing like what I wouldn’t give to slap some pervs the way tsuyu does smh. This doesn’t seem realistic tho. hhh. 

On Momo, she is probably my favorite girl tbh. I love her quirk. I love her strengths and her weaknesses. There’s a lot I can identify with within her character. I love all of her character except the character design itself. And I don’t think it’s naive of you, since they are RIGHT THERE it could be a little hard not to? I think her costume design wouldn’t be that bad if she wasn’t a LITERAL CHILD. Like as an adult, who consents to it and understands what it would mean, with her quirk it would make sense to have the chest within easy access. Boobs are just giant stores of fat basically, and they would probably logically provide a lot of use to her quirk. (Functionally would make A LOT more sense to at least have a fucking bra and maybe a zipper too goddamn) But this is definitely not an excuse for this sort of design to be used on a 15 year old girl. Not at all. And being ‘logical’ doesn’t come first in this situation when it is clear that the design is obviously sexualizing her as well.

Momo herself doesn’t seem to think twice about it though. This contrasts to how Ochako was really self-conscious when she first got her hero suit and saw how tight it was. Shes young and sheltered enough that maybe she wouldn’t yet realize the implications? Or find them annoying enough not to be bothered. I dunno. This still definitely is not an excuse though, and kind of insulting to Momo to assume she would be that ignorant to society. imo, it should be like, a school rule, that the hero suits cant be provocative in anyway until they are graduated/are an adult smh. 

(It’s also problematic how Hagakure is literally fucking naked just for the oh no! someone accidentally touched my boob! jokes. i wish quirks weren’t used as an excuse to sexualize)

all in all, sexualization of girls and general perverted jokes are a HUGE problem in anime/manga tbh. I can’t think of a single shonen anime that isn’t bad with this. except maybe fma but I’m sure there’s SOMEthing but tbh, looking from a distance, bnha isn’t AS bad as most shows are, as far as I can tell? The physical designs are bad in a few cases, but the perverted comments are at least contained within the one character -.- that’s why i typically just ignore it and focus on the better parts. I love bnha; it doesn’t stop me from seeing the negativities, but I also don’t let them ruin the show for me. This turned into the length of a small essay but i don’t care, I’ve never posted my thoughts about this before now.

[heyyylittlemo]

Recent Mo moment: Grabbin’ all that grad money 💵 gifts even tho idrc abt the extended family whose giving it to me—god, that sounds so bad—

Most iconic: Fake boxing my crush bcuz I totally hate you 🥊 (def wasn’t just an excuse to play around :,D )

OH or telling my ex I defiantly wasn’t jealous—BITCH are you kidding I’m the most possessive person there is LMAO—and saying I don’t care about who they date now—oh my man, what a L I A R

Liked anyone I hated/vise versa: Yeah, I actually really disliked my ex before we started dating, she really agrivated me but I couldn’t stop teasing, pushing, and talking to her even with this mindset. One night we opened up and found out we actually really shared a lot of values AND that we were really in love with each other. DUDE it was WILD.

Dealing with MOs: I dated a Mo, loved it! A little hard bcuz you could never really tell how they were feeling. But it was also exciting cuz the crazy cat energy 🤣but when I had lows/insecurities it can be tough.

—> Bonus: Ig Mo reminds me of my younger self who’d be really closed off from telling how I really felt and who’d rather rely on anger to avoid it. I understand his struggle of not wanting to seem “strange” by being gay—and acting out to avoid anyone questioning it. I was like that in middle school.Like Mo, my father does own a restaurant but by no means did he get arressted and I can’t cook for sh—t 😂😂

Recent He moment: So my crush (whose also my ex- it was a mutual break up but we both like each other?? God, it’s a mess)said to me that she was thinking of living (someplace nearby) so i unasamedly admitted about a dream I had last night with her that related and insinuated a future together and teased her with it. I stg it was such a He Tian thing to do—but Honestly, I’m just that obvious LMAO

Most iconic: ALL of my relationships and crushes!!!If I had a list with every cringy-ass thing I said to everyone I had ever liked both before during and after we got together that’d be an iconic He Tian mess forreal—not to mention I’m always manhandling each and everybody I like/am close to. You think He Tian is bad for dragging little Mo around? I will legit knock ppl down with my hugs—

Flirted using He Tian method: Oh defiantly. I saw a potato chip bag that had the word “GF” on it and you can assume the cringe flirt joke I used with it 😂 I also like Tian tried to learn something just so I could bond with my crush. Im also such a spoiler and mailed a ring to my ex along with some other sh—t.

Know a He Tian: I don’t think I do know one besides maybe myself?? Haha. I’m similar to He Tian but with a little more of a goofy side as well—unlike him, I’m not really a high school heartthrob 😂😂

Bonus: I relate a lot to He Tian’s possessiveness, teasing, openness to his feelings, etc. Like him, I don’t want to be related/compared to anyone else just because they’re in my family. I’m not a perfect person and I relate to He Tian being afraid of ppl not accepting him for all he is.

Jian Yi moment: I have so many at work! I’m a clumsy ass mess and sometimes my brain doesn’t function and I say things without thinking that make me seem plain dumb its a running joke that I have no brain cells 😩👌I’ll be waiting tables and sometimes I’ll ask the wrong thing (can I get you something to drink instead of are you ready to order).

Iconic: My brother convinced me that when I was talking to him I was actually speaking a different language. I said something idk how many times and hes just like “what? You’re not even speaking english” and I totally thought I was speaking like an alien 🤣

Similarly(like a day before that) I was giving someone their food and I kept answering them in Spanish even tho they were speaking English. But I SWEAR TO GOD my brain heard him speak Spanish?? It like translated in my brain—English to Spanish—and so I kept answering in Spanish and hes like “why are you speaking Spanish I speak English and I’m just standing there with shock pikachu face X,D

Fell in love w best friend?

No, well all of my ex’s did start as friends but never my BEST friend, y’Know? Even tho we started out as “eh” friends my ex did become my best friend and still is in a way, and probably forever?? It sounds weird, but I’m telling you it’s complicated AF

How I deal w Jian Yis: Dealing w myself is very hard I really am quite crazy and my whole family loves to poke fun at me and I feel like a running clown house but it’s actually really fun so f—K the haters!!!

Bonus question:

I really vibe with Jian Yi he’s like my lost twin. His desperation for Zhan Zheng Xi to the point he might burst is me around my crush 💯 and I know how it feels to evolve a relationship without ever really saying anything, just going with the flow.

Zhan Zheng Xi:

I’m just going to wrap his section up since I actually don’T have a lot of Zhan Zheng Xi moments?? He’s like against my nature LOL. Nothing against the dude

I can see a lot of strangers mistaking me for a Zhan Xi just bcuz I’m hard to reveal my true nature of a dumbass idiot, but I’m reality I’m really so far from being him. Aha

I actually really enjoy the company of a Zhan Zheng Xi just because they can point out my silliness and its refreshing to have someone the opposite of you to challenge?? My brother even tho he isnt the oldest gives off this engery. And so do my coworkers. It’s fun to see them get so suprised and entertained by the idiocy we’ll trying to keep it under check. 👌

My friend group: in my group im very much a Jian Yi since I am lighthearted and dumb no cap but at the same time I do can be very good to go to for advice and am a lot more eye opening than what it may seem. I low key get “bullied” just bcuz I say a lot of stupid things but its all fun!

I can also be an annoying ass He Tian but like more physical/aggressive?? I like to manhandle my friends and pull pranks on them 👿 I can also be a bit perverted in the mind LMAO I’m very honest abt shit sometimes and it can be cringy. And I have some corny ass jokes too! Yeah, that pretty much sums me up!

Telepathetic connectedness: Me and my brother used to have crazy ass telepathic shit we were like twins growing up same jokes said at the same time, same thoughts, etc. etc. but overtime it’s weakened :,) cuz we aren’t as close anymore.

Me and my ex also had very good telepatheic shit going on. We’d be so connected through all kinds of things, able to understand each other beyond words and such. We also just had a lot of weird coincidences in our life too.

Sexuality journey: I can see both my past and how I am now in terms of figuring out my sexuality in 19 days characters. Mo and Zhan were like my past, taking a lot of time to realize things but realizing it through the people we liked/couldn’t replace and trying to build the confidence to accept and act on it appropriately?? I was a lot more angry abt it like Mo in the past and like Zhan ik that I had someone special but at first really questioned the person’s feelings and took awhile to realize my own. He Tian represents where I am now—very unashamed and striving for the person I like even if it’s gay AF and cringe Lol.

I’m also going to leave the last answer blank since it should’ve been 19 questions to start with!! Thanks to everyone who has done my game and who has tagged me!

Once again, I tag anyone who wants to join!!

Thanks for tagging me @seiji-amasawa @mo-zai

19 Days Tag Game~

Rules:

🌟Let's talk about your most 19 Days-iest moments! 🌟

Since the other one was so fun and because work is slow I thought why not take time to make this little game 🎮

You can describe your personal moments and/or somebody elses (i.e. a friend, a lover, a family member)

Feel free to add your own twist to this and evolve this game by asking other similar questions/editing it to fit in a moment you feel will share your 19 days moment!

If you're an OC Mama or Papa feel free to include little scenes/commentaries you feel highlight a similar fashion to 19 days humor OR that mimics the likeness of a 19 days character!!

You are allowed to skip a question if you can't answer/don't want to. Detailed answers preffered but answer however you wish!

Have fun and tag your friends! Anyone allowed to join!

1. What was your most recent Mo 😼 moment?

2. Most iconic?

3. Have you ever liked someone you "hated" or vise versa?

4. How do you deal with any Mos in your life? Do you know any?

Bonus question: What about yourself do you think most embodies Mo? What about his past/backstory/hardships/life mirrors your own?

5. What was your most recent He Tian 😈 moment?

6. Most iconic?

7. Have you ever flirted with someone using one of He Tian's iconic methods?

I.e. Paid for them to call/come over, molested a pillow, kissed on facetime, etc.l.

8. Do you know any He Tian's and how do you deal with em'?

Bonus question: What about yourself do you think most embodies He Tian? What about his past/backstory/hardships/life mirrors your own?

9. What was your most recent Jian Yi 😵 moment?

10. Most iconic?

11. Have you ever fell in love with your best friend--and was the experience similar to Jian Yi's?

12. Do you know any Jian Yi's in your life? How do you deal with em'?

Bonus question: What about yourself do you think most embodies Jian Yi? What about his past/backstory/hardships/life mirrors your own?

13. What was your most recent Zhan Zheng Xi moment?

14. Most iconic?

15. How far have you gone to do something for someone you care about, even if it wasn't necessarily your problem/worth it?

16. Do you know any Zhan Zhang Xi's in your life and how do you deal with them?

Bonus question: What about yourself do you think most embodies Mo? What about his past/backstory/hardships/life mirrors your own?

17. Out of your friend group, which 19 days character do you feel you most mimic in terms of your role in the friend group? What about your friends? Have you ever started a band(or something similar), skipped school, been kidnapped?

I.e are you a money cow like Tian, the "cook" like Mo? Are you the big brother? Etc. Etc.

18. Have you ever had a telepathetic connectedness with someone where no words is needed/read someone's thoughts kinda like 19 days? (You know what I mean) LOL

19. How has 19 days represented your personal lgbt+ teen (if any) experiences/journey? Which character do you feel most embodies your story in terms of sexuality/method of being?

20. How has 19 days changed your life/continues to change your life?

You've reached the end of the game. Thanks for playing!

I hope you had fun and others got a chance to learn more about you/members of this fandom!

Tags: @mo-zai @mi-no-wa @mgsdays @i-got-these-words @igotinvolved @koumiss @kakysthings @call-me-ala @casually-inlove @alexc1ting @anhappy @sarahlou747 @seiji-amasawa @namenamejk @wtfguanshan @tianshanislife @mestizo-efp @hm-translation-group @ringo-smile @1154lizz @tianshan250

If you reblog/repost please tag me ( @heyyylittlemo) so that I can see it!

[aphid-kirby]

20 20 tag

I can’t believe I’m finally doing one of these, i got tagged once and i started doing it but then i panicked and deleted everything bc my gender was one of the questions lmao. Anyways thank uuu @screamingsnowflake for tagging me!

rules: answer the questions in a new post and tag 20  blogs {as if i had that many mutuals}  you would like to get to know better

a-age: 17 but im very forgetful about this for some reason and most times i get it wrong so whatevs, im sure this is the one, but i always end up answering 15 or 16 or sometimes 18 

b-birthplace: North Carolina

c-current time: 11:15 pm d-drink you last had: My tears, but bc i was laughing the hardest ive ever laughed for a long-ass time while playing smash w/ my cousin e-easiest person to talk to: defintely my cousin! we have way too many inside jokes! also the only friend i did after school! he’s gone now but I’ll never forget him, he loved listening to me infodump abt anything! f-favorite song: I have too many songs very very dear to my heart, most of them come from the same bands so I’ll mention some: -We Were Evergreen, -Fanfarlo -Voxtrot and Bombay Bicycle Club!!! their music makes me so so happy i owe them a lot of my happiness and enrichment   g-grossest memory: There’s nothing at the top of my head but i’m gonna go with when i tried to clean the bones of a snake from the entire corpse but the vase ended up going full on algae and the odor that came out when i opened it was rather strong. i- in love?: nah, i’ve never really known any of this stuff, my friends know this and they fully support me so its ok! j- jealous of people?: not really, if anything i just get morose, but only by myself, never anythung directed towards others. k-killed someone?: are you talking abt human beings? bc i’ve killed a couple of insects which i then mounted, i killed most of these  bc they were dying and i didnt wanted to see them struggling for hours {you should see how long some insects stay on the process of dying} l-love at first sight or should i walk by again: I literally have no clue what this is about, apparently they’re songs? m-middle name: shhhhhhh, this is an important secret n-number of siblings: 0 o-one wish: Immortality, to get to experience and understand as much of the universe as it is possible! q-question you’re always asked: “What are you studying?” bc i talk abt an extremely wide range of topics and ppl don’t know what the heck i’m actually doing r-reason to smile: My favorite Video games! So so so so much of nature! clouds birds insects wind trees grass!!!! and how they all function!!! and the fact that we understand it!!!!!!, i actually have a notebook dedicated to the listing of these, but it’s mostly stuff ike this s-song you sang last: Into The Night by Marika Hackman! u-underwear color: what the fugg v-vacation: Galapagos Islands!! not much of a vacation but rather a trip! x-x-rays: Are you implying that these are rare? I’ve had countless of this! although im usually a very sickly kid so nvmd i guess, most of these wer on my chest area. y-your favorite food: i hate food bc i can’t stop eating it, but yeah, chocolate z-zodiac sign: Sollux I think im virgo?

Where’s the H and the T?! D:==

I’m just gonna tag some of my recent mutuals who i’ve interacted with in one way or another , they’re all super cool! @pearasect @lmetaknight @mayspicer (You’re one of my oldest mutuals!) @droct0 @the-unoriginals-of-unoriginal and @galacticnova3