#i’d feel guilty if it was my only one but i have 4 other lectures today so idc

[mossflower]

ok so turns out when i say ‘oh i’ll get up early so i’ll have time!!’ when i already didn’t go to bed til late i am uh. lying

[poderosapontocom]

Sometimes when I’m about to enter the room I invent scripts to distract myself. When I’m arguing with someone from the past, or giving a speech, a lecture- in those moments I’m not thinking about the heat, nor the guitar I never seem to learn, nor my low quality writing.

Two days ago I ate one olive when I woke up. Drank water. Three peanuts and one other olive for the afternoon snack and went to sleep.

I woke up a few times throughout the night breaking out in a cold sweat. It seems I can no longer sleep. Cecilia said that when you don’t eat enough, you start lacking in nutrients that you need for your body to really rest. Gabriel agrees.

Now I can’t drink coffee, which was my favorite first thing in the morning. But my stomach is always empty, so coffee ends up increasing my urge to vomit.

It’s really hard to feel hungry. And to eat. I wake up the entire night, I can never seem to really close my eyes. There’s the constant feeling that I’m having them open and seeing the dark room. That night I would wake up sweating ‘cause it was so hot, take the duvet off and then it was snow cold. I would feel my entire body dissolve in the heat air. When I came to conscious I’d be completely wet, hallucinating that I was waking up and that my body was only bones. I would measure my hands around my arms and move on to the thighs, everything could fit in a space that my fingers could circle between. I would feel my own skin dead cold and wet as if I had died two days ago and was inside a leaking fridge. I felt my belly eating me from inside. I woke up and I still wasn’t hungry. I looked in the mirror and I was fucking fat.

When I was younger I used to think that I didn’t wanna eat because there was nothing in the house I’d like to, but now I think that I could travel across these 20 miles, with no money limit, and still not have the will to eat anything.

Then I try cooking something, and I get comments, and mosquitos, and the messiest kitchen to ever be, and the most uncomfortable environment to be at. So I give up, take a bottle of water and come upstairs. I feel like I need to pee, and nothing comes out of me. I can no longer see at night in the room with only the street lights like I used to; I feel ashamed, and guilty. I feel spoiled, and thankless. I remember there’s people starving and I could use my fucking credit card to buy food, but I don’t want any. When I do, I also feel guilty, for overspending and eating out of the house. But inside the house I can’t eat.

Yesterday I decided I was gonna eat something, ‘cause I was afraid to go to the hospital and get everyone around talking to me that I had to eat as if I didn’t know. So I tried my hardest. I had two slices of bread toasted with olive oil and salt. And by the afternoon I baked brownies and had 4 squares of it. It still wasn’t enough, but I couldn’t get more. Every time I think of eating something, I get to the conclusion that that food is not healthy. No matter what it is.

Today I had bread and juice before coffee. And then I had my favorite coffee, and it tasted awfully, it ate me from inside out, it increased in a thousand per cent my need to throw up. And then I felt guilty, to spend my money on coffee. To wanting to throw up. To not wanting anything from the supermarket. - The only thing I put in the cart for the week was CIF creamy cleansing. And when I arrived in the house, she made the exact same comment, as if I had chosen all of the products in the cart, and had bought it all for me, and had spend all of the money myself.

-poderosapontocom

04.dec.23

[helliontherapscallion]

Adrenaline Junkie

Part 2     Part 3     Part 4     Part 5     Part 6     Part 7     Part 8     Part 9     Part 10     Part 11     Part 12     Part 13     Part 14     Part 15     Part 16     Part 17

Spotify Playlist (collaborative)

Ages (oldest to youngest):

Philza- 32

Technoblade- 17 

Wilbur- 17

(Y/N)- 16

Tommy- 14

Pairing: platonic!sbi x winged!sibling!reader

Warnings: near death experiences, mentions of depression, OOC sbi (this is my first time writing about them)

Summary: Philza finds out about your little “habit”

Word count: 1,962

You grinned as you flew through the air with your feathers glinting in the low sunlight. You absolutely loved the feeling of freedom you got whenever you flew. It always gave you a sense of calm when you needed a break from your family. You loved them of course, but you needed a break once and a while; you often felt drained if you didn’t take some time to yourself. The cold air rushed past you as you continued to flap your wings to keep you in the air. 

You could not see the ground below you as you soared higher into the clouds, weaving in and out of them. Flying higher, you steadied yourself to look at the sunset. The mixture of pinks, oranges, and yellows blended together perfectly. You always loved the sunset, it was one of the only consistent things in your life. You wished that you could stay hovering hundreds of feet above the ground, but mobs were going to be spawning soon. The last time you stayed out past sunset you had almost gotten killed by a skeleton. Your dad had given you quite the lecture after he made sure that you were alright. You still had the scars on your arms from when it tried to shoot you out of the air.

You angled yourself so you were upside down, put your arms tight to your sides, and extended your wings fully behind you. You dove closer and closer to the earth, quickly picking up speed. The wind whipped around you as you gained velocity, getting closer and closer to the ground by the millisecond. At the last second, you fully extended your wings and drastically slowed your descent to the ground. The extra velocity you had made you soar up once again before you regained control and landed safely on the ground. The adrenaline that the skydive gave you was the most exhilarating feeling you’ve ever felt, and you were always craving it. Your dad didn’t find it as fun or exhilarating as you did.

“(Y/N) (M/N) MINECRAFT.”

Your father’s voice boomed from behind you. You could tell that he was in a lecturing mood without even having to look at him. He grabbed your arm and spun you around. Grabbing your other arm, he looked you up and down with worried blue eyes. After seeing that you were alright, his gaze hardened and he took a deep breath.

“Do you have any idea how dangerous that was?”

He rattled on and on about how you could’ve killed yourself, but quite frankly you didn’t care if you died or got hurt. In your opinion, the adrenaline you got was worth it. You had three lives you could spend, and if you did die, you wanted to go out with a bang all three times. What could you say? You were an adrenaline junkie through and through. 

He started to drag you inside the house mid lecture. Swinging open the door, he pulled you towards the kitchen, where the scent of fresh mushroom stew wafted from the pot on the stove. Your brothers looked at you each with their own different reactions. Techno looked as stoic as ever, Wilbur eyed you with slight disapproval, and Tommy looked at you with awe and excitement. They must’ve seen your little trick through the window. 

“(Y/N) THAT WAS POGGERS! YOU WERE SUCH A BADA-”

Tommy’s excited rant was cut short as he saw the stern look on Philza’s face. After a few moments of hesitation, your brothers were making small talk with each other with Philza occasionally chiming in. Poking idly at your food, you contemplated how you should go about apologizing to your dad. 

You supposed that the best route you could go was telling him that you wouldn’t do that again, but you knew you would do it again. That was the biggest adrenaline rush you’ve ever gotten and you were already craving it again. You couldn’t lie to your dad, your wings always gave you away by twitching uncomfortably whenever you lied. On the other hand, telling him that you felt empty when you didn’t have adrenaline coursing through your veins was not an option. He already has enough to worry about with working to provide for four teenagers. Deciding that your best bet was to lie to him and hope for the best, you zoned back into the conversation around you. Tommy was ranting about how he had broken his favorite sword dueling Techno.

“-do you have any idea how long it took me to find that enchantment, Techno?”

Techno huffed slightly in amusement. “Actually I do because I helped you find that enchantment. We found it in the village together, remember?”

“Tommy,” Philza said tiredly, “we can get you another enchanted sword. Techno, you need to be more gentle with your little brother. You have to remember he’s three years younger than you, so he has less experience in dueling.”

Tommy grumbled to himself, busying himself with shoveling food in his mouth. Wilbur glanced at him with disgust.

“Do you have to eat like that, Tommy? It’s disgusting.”

“Well, Wilbur, it’s not my fault I’m hungry.”

“You’re eating like we don’t feed you.”

You usually enjoyed it whenever your siblings argue back and forth like this, but lately it didn’t make you feel anything. You didn’t feel much anymore if you weren’t pulling off impulsive stunts. Of course, you hid it from your family and acted like you did before. It was relatively easy since you were naturally a quiet person. You thought you were doing a great job at it, you pride yourself on your acting skills.

Dinner went by fast without anything notable happening. Since it was your night to clean up, you got to work after everyone parted ways for the night. You stacked the dishes left on the dinner table and got to work washing them. Luckily, since you lived with three teenage boys, you never had to deal with leftovers. You subconsciously stretched and twitched your wings, feeling restless without feeling the wind moving through your feathers. After you got done with putting the dishes away, you took a deep breath and set out on your search for Philza. 

Walking into the living room, you saw Techno sitting near the fireplace reading one of his mythology books. “Hey, Tech. Do you know where Dad is? I need to talk to him.”

Without looking up from his book, he responded in his usual monotone voice. “Yeah, he’s up in his room. I think he’s going to bed early.” He paused for a second before looking up at you with sincerity. “You know, he was terrified when he saw you earlier. He thought that you weren’t gonna stop yourself in time. Hell, we all thought you were gonna die.”

That made you feel guilty. He already had to deal with providing and raising you four and he didn’t need anything else to worry about. You felt your wings droop slightly as you sighed. 

“...Thanks, T. G’night, love you.”

You started to speed walk to Philza’s room without giving him time to respond. You needed to apologize to him and fast. Out of all your siblings, you were always the one to hate conflict and would always apologize first whenever you got into a disagreement with anyone. You were always the pacifist. 

Walking past Tommy in the hallway, he tried to stop you to talk to you, but you ignored him with a dismissive wave of your wing. You heard him mumbling to himself as he started to walk down the stairs, probably to challenge Techno to a rematch. You nervously fluttered your wings, feathers occasionally brushing against the walls and causing you to shiver slightly at the small touch. Your hands were shaking slightly as you took a steadying deep breath and knocked on Philza’s door. Hearing his tired “come in”, you slowly opened his door. He situated himself so that he was sitting on the edge of his bed and gestured for you to sit next to him.

“Hey, Dad. I-I just wanted to say sorry for worrying you earlier. If I knew that it would stress you out, I wouldn’t have done it.” You sat next to him.

He sighed as he wrapped an arm across your shoulders, pulling you into his side. “I don’t care if it stressed me out. You could’ve gotten killed from a fall at that height. You could have lost a life. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you didn’t open your wings in time.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“Then why’d you do it if you knew that you could’ve gotten yourself killed? I just want to understand why you would pull a stunt like that, I’d never expect you out of all of your siblings to do something so dangerous.”

You took a deep breath as you contemplated your next words. You really wanted to tell him about how you felt empty without putting yourself in danger. You wanted to tell him that you didn’t feel like yourself anymore. Unconsciously, your wings started to twitch and pull themselves closer to your body. 

You jumped when you felt something else wrap around you. You looked back and saw black feathers. Looking back up at your father, he looked at you with a concerned expression. 

“Take a deep breath, you’re shaking hun.”

You looked down at your hands and to your surprise, they were shaking. You took a few deep breaths and clasped your hands together tightly while Philza rubbed comforting circles on your back. 

“...It’s just that, I haven’t been feeling like myself lately, if that makes any sense. It’s like I can’t feel anything anymore without doing stupid things that could get me killed. It wasn’t the first time I’ve dived like that. One time I lost control and almost flew into lava-filled ravine.”

“...How long have you felt like this?”

“A few months now.”

Philza felt his heart break, how did he not notice that you were different for months? You could’ve gotten yourself hurt or permanently maimed yourself and it would’ve been his fault because he didn’t notice your mood shift. 

“I’m so sorry I didn’t notice sooner.”

“It’s not your fault, Dad. I didn’t tell you anything was wrong. Please don’t blame yourself.”

“We can help you find something that’ll help you. Something less dangerous.”

“We?”

“Your brothers and I. They’ve been listening this entire time, weren’t you, boys?”

You heard shuffling and muffled voices arguing with each other before the door opened to reveal your sheepish brothers. Wordlessly, they all filed into the room. Tommy grabbed your shoulders and yanked you into a tight hug. You felt Wilbur hug your other side before he pulled Techno into the group hug also. You felt feathers tickle your cheek as Philza joined, wrapping his giant wings around you all. The family hasn’t had a group hug since you all started to hit your teenage years. For the first time in a while, you felt happy without risking your life.

After that night, you were right in your assumption that you’d be grounded (literally and metaphorically) from flying for a while while your family worked hard to find something safe that gave you a distraction. Soon, Wilbur found a book about the intricacies of redstone working and you were hooked. Sure, your family was rambunctious and a strange group, but you wouldn’t want it any other way.

[meltwonu]

| 𝔲𝔫𝔱𝔦𝔩 𝔦 𝔪𝔢𝔱 𝔶𝔬𝔲 |     [Chapter 2]

pairing; fratboy!wonwoo x reader

this chapter’s notes; fratboy!wonwoo, dom!wonwoo, some soft ‘woo too, restraints, panties as a gag, dirty talk, degradation, name calling, oral(fem receiving), cum eating, sir!kink. My god it has been a week, a WEEK i tell you 🥲 Ldfkjdf I hope the lot of you are taking a big deep breath this weekend and doing something to relax or doing some self care cuz baby we all need it!💕 Treat yourself to something good! Take that nap! Buy that album! Get that coffee! I’ll try to bust out some thirst posts this weekend(i think we all deserve some, eh?🥴) should tumb1r not hate my blog and as usual, inbox round up tomorrow! 💕💕 For now, de-stress with ch 2 of UIMY, and have a great weekend! I love you!! 💕💕💕💕

chapters; 1 - 2 - x - x - x

You only get about 4 hours of sleep, if you’re being honest.

You won’t tell when asked because quite frankly, you’re a little embarrassed at how giddy you are to see Wonwoo today. You eagerly attend your morning class - panties already wet and mouth watering with the fantasies playing out in your head throughout the entire lecture.

“Hey, study buddy!”

Minghao slings an arm around your shoulder just as you turn to make a beeline towards the library, almost directing you into a different direction. “Where you headed off to? You wanna grab lunch?” Shit.

In the time that Wonwoo was gone, you’d spent a lot of time hanging out with other people trying to fill in the gap where, normally, you’d be spending underneath Wonwoo.

“I, um…” Going to get lunch with Minghao was one of the things that had become a normal thing after your morning classes and you hadn’t had the chance to tell him that your ‘usual’ schedule was back. “I--I’m gonna go study at the library for a bit! I’m really sorry! Can we go another day?” You pout at him which quickly melts off of your face when he shoots you a knowing smile.

“Gonna go ‘study’ Wonwoo-hyung, huh?”

Minghao lets you go - telling you to let him know when you weren’t busy.

You all but tear the front door open once you reach the familiar library; sheepish smile when it makes more noise than you anticipate.

“Careful, wouldn’t want you to pay the price of breaking the door.”

Wonwoo smirks at you from behind the receptionist table; familiar and warm when you step closer to the counter. “Maybe I do? What do you know?” You quip back, cheeks warm and head fuzzy at the sight of Wonwoo back in his usual sweater vest and slacks.

He leans in closer to you over the countertop, gesturing to you to lean in close as well. His lips ghost across the shell of your ear as goosebumps rise on your skin and shivers roll down your spine and the familiar thrum of arousal pours over your body.

“I know you were probably thinking about me all morning, sweetheart. Thinking of all the things I’d do to you.” Wonwoo chuckles under his breath, “Your panties are probably already soaked, hmm? Like my good little slut always ready to take my cock.”

His filthy, whispered words are enough for you to whimper quietly - eyes downcast as you only lean in closer. “Y-yes… Wonwoo, p-please, I--”

Wonwoo leans away from you and you find yourself letting go of a breath you didn’t realize you were holding.

“You’ll have to wait. I need to file these late slips and sort these books.”

There’s a teasing smile on his face as he watches your lips part in shock. “But you can do that, right? Be patient?”

No.

“I--y-yes...” 

You pick a table far from the others as you watch Wonwoo roll the cart with books into another row of bookshelves.

It felt a little odd to you now that you thought about it - waiting so patiently for Wonwoo when you were used to him caging you in against a bookshelf with his fingers knuckle deep inside of your cunt or even just tugging you straight away into an empty study room on days when neither of you could wait to get your clothes off.

There was a certain softness that he seemed to show with you now; one that you appreciated and made you feel things that you’d never felt in any relationship before.

Wonwoo would admit he wasn’t always good with showing his emotions with other people.

“He only shows it sometimes,” Jeonghan had said, “Usually to his hyungs and usually when he wants something.”

Which was true.

He struggled with letting his guard down and a lot of the time felt shy about voicing his emotions.

But with you, he felt differently. He wanted to show you that he was capable of letting his guard down and capable of showing you the affection and care that you deserved - even if the relationship the two of you had started was only physical at first. The time away from you only proved to him that he definitely cared about you more than he had initially thought too.

While his semester abroad was entertaining and educational, he found himself thinking about you often in the midst of his excavations and lectures. Wondering about what you were doing and who you were with; if you really thought about him as often as you had messaged him so.

“Um, excuse me?”

“O-oh, huh?”

He’s pulled from his thoughts just as another student steps in front of him in the aisle of books. “Sorry, I don’t remember where this book is from. Is it okay if I just give it to you?”

“Sure.”

It takes twenty more minutes of you pretending to study before Wonwoo’s legs step into your periphery.

You open your mouth to speak but Wonwoo is quicker.

“Miss, I’m sorry, but I need to speak to you regarding some books you failed to return.”

You try to hide the wide smile on your face when Wonwoo leads you down the familiar, lonesome side of the library.

“I’ll have you step into this room, miss.”

“Wonwoo, there’s literally nobody here…” Chuckling, you step into the empty, cleaned room that Wonwoo had painstakingly made sure was dusted before you came. “Unless we’re roleplaying, ‘cause then, I’m sorry, sir…”

Wonwoo rolls his eyes, locking the door behind him before easily walking you backwards until the backs of your thighs hit the desk.

“You should be sorry, sweetheart. First, slamming the doors earlier and now overdue books? Tsk, when will you learn.” He easily slips into character, fingertips already ghosting against the exposed skin of your thighs before playing with the hem of your short skirt.

“How are you going to pay back what you owe, hmm? The damages might be irreparable.” He drags his hand up and under the flimsy material; appreciating the way your legs part a little more for him. A quiet moan floats past your lips just as his fingertips press gently into the growing wet patch of your panties.

“Already wet, too? Why exactly is that, sweetheart?”

“A-ah, ‘c-cause I want--want you to fuck me, s-sir… Been thinking a-about it all day… Just--just like you said...” You clench around emptiness, already impatient now that he had his hands on you.

“You have, huh? I bet you played with yourself last night, didn’t you? Fingered your slutty ‘lil hole and filled it up with a toy just to prep yourself for me.”

“Y-yes, sir…” Your guilty eyes avoid Wonwoo’s stern gaze, “I’m s-sorry… I--I couldn’t, ah, wait... Just t-talking to you, yesterday, I....”

Wonwoo’s fingers press hard against you, immediately rubbing your clit through your soaked panties as you mewl and lean into his warm chest.

“P-please… punish m-me…”

You can only whine around the fabric stuffed in your mouth; hands tied behind your back with Wonwoo’s belt keeping them bound.

Your body jerks against the small desk as Wonwoo fucks you from behind in the small enclosed space you were used to and a certain warmth pours over you knowing that nothing really had changed since he’d left.

“Shit, I really missed cumming inside your tight lil’ pussy and making you walk home with my cum dripping down your legs.” There’s a soft chuckle under his breath; cock curving right into your g-spot as you whine and squirm underneath him.

“Bet you missed it too, huh? Getting home and fingering your filthy ‘lil cunt, fucking my cum deeper inside of you ‘cause you couldn’t get enough of me. Fuck, and when you’d send me pictures of your cute ‘lil fingers covered in my cum…”

Wonwoo smirks at your back, placing a hand on your bound arms as he uses it for leverage to fuck you deeper and harder.

“I’m back for good now though, sweetheart. Let’s see what else your cute cock starved body can take.”

You can only moan back in return - spit soaking into the wet fabric in your mouth as Wonwoo only fucks you harder. “God, your cunt is so fuckin’ perfect. Made to take my cock.” When you clamp down onto his cock tighter is when Wonwoo realizes he misses hearing your voice - chuckling softly as he leans over your trembling body.

“I think you’ve learned your lesson, huh, sweetheart?”

He reaches around, tugging the soaking material from between your lips and placing it next to your head before he straightens back up. “Ngh… I, ah, s-sir…” You turn your head to the side, watching the wall as your body jerks atop the desk. “P-please… I--I wanna see y-you, hah, when y-your fuh--fuck me…”

A soft blush coats Wonwoo’s cheeks as he halts his movements. 

He clears his throat, pulling his cock out of you before stepping back and giving you space to readjust yourself. And with your arms still bound, you struggle slightly but manage.

This time, you sit atop the desk, spreading your legs wide for Wonwoo who licks his lips at the sight of your slightly mussed hair, blown out pupils and soaked cunt.

“That’s my good ‘lil slut.”

He positions himself between your legs, wrapping a hand around his cock and rubbing the head on your sensitive clit as you whimper. He circles the nub with the head of his cock, teasing you and himself as you squirm. “I take it you’ll be at the party tomorrow night, right?” His question catches you slightly off guard as you nod shakily.

“Good. ‘Cause I got you a present that I want to give to you tomorrow.”

“O-okay…”

Wonwoo sinks his cock back into you; cock curving into you perfectly as you cry out in return. “O-oh, god, s-sir--Wonwoo, I--fuck…” A choked sob bubbles up your throat at the feeling of him starting a harsh and quick pace, just how you liked it. “Mmh, my t-toys don’t feel as, hah, g-good as you… Fuck, you feel s-so good inside me…”

You wrap your legs around his waist, digging your heels into the small of his back to push him in closer to yourself. “Use m-me like I’m your little cumslut...” The desperation sets in; tears freely falling from your eyes as the urge to cum on his cock becomes unbearable from the hellish months without him.

“Please, p-please… Harder, fuck me harder! I n-need it!”

He grins, knowing just how you felt but keeping his composure as he doubles his pace. “So fuckin’ desperate for me, sweetheart. You sound so pretty begging for me. Is that what you sounded like when you were touching yourself too? Begging for me all night long?”

“Y-yes, fuck! Ngh, fucking my ‘lil holes with my t-toys all night j-just to be satisfied… Oh, god, Wonwoo!”

You can’t stop yourself from cumming - toes curling and thighs shaking as your walls flutter around his cock. Wonwoo only fucks you harder as soft growls fall from his own lips.

“Fuck, I missed this, missed you. Missed your tight ‘lil cunt cumming around my cock, sweetheart.” He mumbles soft praises to you, although you can barely hear it in the midst of your orgasm; ears ringing and head feeling hazy at the intensity.

Wonwoo fares no better - cock throbbing inside your warm walls as his orgasm hits him hard only after a few more quick snaps of his hips.

Your bound arms behind you do little to keep your tired body upright atop the table but you do your best as he rides out his high. “Mmh, I can feel y-you cumming inside me… Fuck, it feels soooo gooood.” Drool pools in your mouth at the feeling of his cock throbbing inside of you for the first time in months and you mentally tell yourself to never let Wonwoo disappear for that long of time ever again.

“Ah, I feel so f-full…” Whining, you squirm as he continues to thrust into you, fucking his cum deeper into your pussy as you throw your head back at the fullness and wetness you feel. “Oh… Wonwoo…”

He lets out a deep breath before he slowly starts to pull out of you - cock covered in his cum and your wetness as he watches his cum drip from your spent hole. You slowly unhook your quivering thighs from around his waist as he steps back slightly.

“I--oh--”

You watch as he drops down to his knees, face right in front of your dripping cunt before he leans in.

“Oh, Wonwoo--” His tongue peeks out, lapping at your soaked folds before he drags it down and starts licking up the cum. “Fuck, oh, fuck…!”

Wonwoo dips his tongue into your hole, teasing you as your legs tremble and you try your hardest to not clamp your thighs around his head between your legs. You start to fight your restraints; fingertips wanting to thread through his hair as you grind against his skilled tongue.

 He licks up more of the cum before dragging his tongue up to your overly sensitive clit; rubbing soft, slow circles on the nub until you’re a whining mess above him.

“A-ah, I--I can’t, mmh, ‘m too sen--sensitive, sir…”

He takes his as his cue to stand from his position, standing quietly before leaning over you. He threads a hand through your hair, tilting your head up and kissing you on the lips as you melt into his gentle touch.

Your eyes flutter shut at his soft kiss, lips parting slightly for him as he uses his tongue to push cum into your waiting mouth.

The kiss turns hot and heavy as he moves the salty, sticky substance from his mouth to yours - lips covered in a combination of your wetness and his cum when he pulls away.

“So pretty for me, sweetheart.”

When the two of you are somewhat cleaned up and ready to leave, Wonwoo stops you before you can get your hand on the doorknob.

“Hey, you okay?”

You shoot him a confused look, head tilted slightly at the bespectacled male that only looks mildly disheveled. “Um… y-yeah? Why?” His hand on your wrist makes your heart do backflips in your chest as he looks you over once more.

“I should’ve had some water for you and done proper aftercare since it’s been a while. I might've hurt you? Are your wrists okay? I can--”

“Whoa, hey, slow down! You’re, like, freaking out, ‘Woo.”

A pale blush coats his cheeks, “Sorry, I’m just trying to… be more… Expressive? I don’t know. It’s been a while. I just want to make sure you’re okay.” He laughs lightly, somewhat embarrassed himself. “I don’t want to be weird but, y’know. I want to take care of you properly, sweetheart.”

“I--yeah, I understand! But I’m fine, I promise!” You beam up at him - happiness evident in your eyes and your smile. “Thank you… for making an effort, Wonwoo.”

“Of course, sweetheart.” 

[katytheinspiredworkaholic]

Correspondence, Chapter 03

Pairing: HotchReid

Summary:  An AU where Reid never joined the FBI, but got roped into consulting for the LA field office while working and teaching at Caltech. Hotch gets his email referred from a fellow agent, and they start to work on cases together -- until they start talking on a regular basis. Regular becomes frequent, frequent becomes constant. They know nothing about each other, but they don't really mind.

Rating: Mature/Explicit (eventually)

Chapter CW/notes: Mentions of alcohol, a very long conversation happens where Hotch is a little buzzed. Big, BIG focus on their age difference, and unintentional misinformation. Spencer has no idea Hotch thinks he’s older, or at least not OLD older, and gets a little panicky/clams up -- and yes I realize Hotch could just background check him and find it out but he respects the man enough to not do that. The chapter is linear, it just encompasses a lot of time passing so hopefully that’s not too confusing. Set in season 6, self beta’d.

Word Count: 5025

Masterpost Link

Ao3 Link

--

Chapter 03

--

Early September 2010

--

And so, it begins.

The dynamic shift, the vast change in how Hotch and Dr. Reid had been corresponding for the past few months. Evolving from something so professional and academic to something… looser. More freeing. More room for error, of course, but the risk turns out to be more than worth it for what they gain.

The texts are sporadic, at first. Short interactions, here and there, all stemming from that first, longer conversation about Jack. Hotch follows up the very next day, after he gets to talk to his son in the morning over pancakes. Jessica hovering nearby the whole time. She had apologized for her harsh words, and commended him after the fact how he’d approached Jack on the subject and led the little boy into a conversation rather than a lecture like his teachers had done. Because, as Spencer had mentioned -- there was no need for one. Jack already had the situation handled.

[]6/4, 12:39[] You were right. 

[]6/4, 12:39[] He invited the kid that was bullying him over for a playdate. Trying to win him over by killing him with kindness.

[]6/4, 12:43[] My kind of kid. 

[]6/4, 12:44[] You’ve taught him well, Hotch.

And that was it. That was all it took to kick off what turns into a frequent occurrence. Slowly, as time passes, their quick texts turn to conversations that naturally revert to work. It’s where they spend most of their time, after all, and what they had bonded over in the first place. But unlike in their emails, it isn’t just about the cases or profiles or statistics required to crack them. It’s much more opinionated than that, erratic in it’s content and frequency. Commentary on Hotch’s team, ideas on the cases they work, case studies and research projects and sometimes even just office gossip that somehow always makes its way to Hotch’s attention despite everyone trying to keep it from doing so.

Or just Dr. Reid observing their antics. This is the beginning of the tonal shift, and Hotch can’t help but think… it just might be a welcome one.

[]6/12, 10:03[] Your tech analyst always sends me rainbow font emails.

[]6/12, 10:07[] Yes, she’s doing that with everyone on the team. It’s Pride month and she’s being supportive.

[]6/12, 10:11[] She considers me a part of the team? How sweet of her.

[]6/12, 10:12[] You are, and as far as the bureau goes you might as well be.

[]6/12, 10:13[] I doubt I could sneak you into payroll, though.

[]6/12, 10:21[] I bet Ms. Garcia could.

[]6/12, 10:28[] Don’t. Say. Anything.

[]6/12, 10:29[] But yes, she could. 

It turns into a small reprieve, for Hotch, in the constant deluge of bureaucracy and violence that fills his work day. The single moment he allows a sliver of himself to appear through the cracks of his armor he has to wear to guard himself from it all. To be the stoic leader the team needs, the unmovable tree in the storm.

Only in his quick, typed under the table conversations he has with Spencer does he allow himself the slips of humor. Barely there traces of a smile. Finding the smallest spots of light in his dark days, in his work that can surround and consume to the point of suffocation. Hotch thrives in it, he always has -- while others have drowned. But he doesn’t mind finding this small self-indulgence. Making the decision for himself that he can joke and poke fun at his work and not feel guilty about it. That, for once, he can allow himself this.

Until one day, Spencer returns the favor -- and starts talking about his own work.

[]7/21, 16:17[] If I leave all of my Ph.D. applicants in a ditch in the desert, is that still murder?

[]7/21, 16:30[] Technically or hypothetically?

[]7/21, 16:34[] Different question, would you be my legal council if I snap and it happens anyway?

[]7/21, 16:37[] Of course.

[]7/21, 16:38[] But as your attorney, I have to advise you that we never had this conversation, and murder is wrong.

[]7/21, 16:40[] Hypothetically. 

Spencer takes a little longer to open up, but when he does it is through this window into an academic world Hotch had never planned or thought he would ever be privy to. He begins to reveal pieces of it, bit by bit, until Hotch starts to form a picture in his mind of what shape this professor’s life really takes. Making deductions based on his speech patterns, what goes on throughout his day, his word choices, and profiling the man through text message without even meaning to. 

He tries to put a stop to it as soon as he realizes this. Dr. Reid isn’t just a consultant anymore, he is his friend -- and Hotch will always do his utmost to not profile his friends. But it’s a little too late for some aspects that can’t help but stand out as time goes on. Such as the inkling that the other man probably isn’t senile with a cane and a stooped back, like Hotch had first thought. Certain parts of his day allude to someone who is a bit fresher to the academic scene -- instead of spending decades on a college campus. 

But Hotch sets that aside, to be scrutinized at a later date, and instead turns his focus into enjoying what Spencer has to offer him. As his friend. The stories he shares freely, now that they’ve spent all this time breaking down the barriers. He regales Hotch with his own daily problems, grievances, as well as the little bright spots that he just wants to share with Hotch so that it can lighten up his own days. Which were much more bleak, and crowded with danger and horrid things. 

Hotch lives for those messages.

[]7/28, 20:42[] So I have a godson.

[]7/28, 20:44[] He’s four, and he just came to visit last week with his mother. Have you and Jack ever done science experiments at home? 

[]7/28, 20:46[] Because I have some that are definite crowd pleasers. Do them right, you can call them ‘physics magic’. I can send you the instructions, it’s well worth it.

[]7/28, 20:47[] I’m not sure how helpful I would be in a scientific area, but I’m always willing to try.

[]7/28, 20:49[] I’d require video evidence of it, then. 

[]7/28, 20:50[] But they are so fun, I’d forgotten how much.

[]7/28, 20:51[] No children of your own?

[]7/28, 20:54[] Never found the right person, but I always spent so much time on my degrees that I hadn’t really thought about being a parent. 

[]7/28, 20:55[] My Godson really brought it to light, though. I love having him here.

[]7/28, 20:56[] I bet he loves when you come around, or when they get to visit you, too.

[]7/28, 20:59[] I work in a science lab, with lasers and telescopes bigger than my first apartment. My approval rating is pretty high when it comes to my godson. 

Although Hotch finds that he doesn’t always start these interactions, the ones that lead to topics outside of work, he also isn’t against them in the slightest. They begin to start messaging at all hours, because of this; first thing in the morning, during their lunch break, whenever something pops up -- what used to be jokes that would just be kept to themselves, turn to conversation starters. And that development shifts the dynamic even more.

[]8/11, 10:31[] Coffee shops always make me feel old, and like I’m a grad student all over again.

[]8/11, 10:38[] You don’t have a T.A. to run and get you coffee?

[]8/11, 10:41[] Of course you would send out for coffee.

[]8/11, 10:42[] Well my order is two steps, not sixteen.

[]8/11, 10:43[] Tyrant.

[]8/11, 10:43[] Pretentious.

They start to tease, banter, and poke fun at each other. Comradery, friendship, and the more it goes on the more it seems to spiral towards something else. Something new.

But it’s these small moments, messages, conversations that can last a minute or an hour, that make Hotch’s chest feel so much lighter as the weeks go by. Hints of a smile easing onto his face, smoothing out and softening the edges in a way they haven’t in a long time. Garnering some attention from the rest of the team, or whoever is in the vicinity that felt brave enough to mention it.

“Who are you talking to?”

“Who’s the lucky lady?”

“No one,” Hotch would answer, schooling himself and pocketing his phone. “Just a consultant on a case.”

-

This is how it goes… for months. 

They never speak on the phone. Never even hint at video calls. Never send pictures. (Although Spencer does make a mention once or twice about that promised video when Hotch finally gets around to attempting the ‘physics magic’ experiment he’d emailed him. Hotch secretly hopes that maybe, one day, Spencer will just get to show them in person. Instead of Hotch having to record it for anyone to witness.)

But they talk like clockwork. Play chess on the regular, allowing them to talk more fluently with a laptop to aid the flow of conversation. It starts with once a week, then twice a week, standing dates after hours that meld so seamlessly with their messages every workday. They keep it to the weekdays, at first, since Hotch is busy with Jack on the weekends. But that doesn’t last long. Suddenly, without warning -- it becomes every night as well. That shift is such an organic, natural progression, that it slips in without either of them making comment on it. A silent agreement, because mentioning it would mean admitting why they were pushing this in such a new direction. 

They just… missed talking to each other. Two days was too long. 

Now, it’s every day.

They text for hours; check in on each other at random throughout the day even when Hotch is on cases or Spencer is busy with his duties as the leading doctoral expert of Caltech. Times when they should be swamped, unavailable to anything other than their primary focus and work load, still littered with short messages. Before and after each flight, when Hotch gets back to his hotel at night, when Spencer has to lecture out of town and they just so happen to be passing each other during travel -- mere states away. So close, yet so far. It’s all the time, it’s constant, and it’s wonderful.

Spencer still helps with cases. Often, even more often than he ever helped the L.A. field office. But it’s not always through email, anymore. Sometimes it’s just easier for Hotch to shoot him a quick text. A detailed message in the middle of their everyday banter and dribble but no less out of place, knowing the good Doctor will answer him quickly. Time is of the essence when they are on a case, but they are always on retainer for each other. Waiting in the wings, ready to jump in with quick, snappy wit and bitten-back smiles, and Hotch feels so good. So light. Better than he has in years. 

Happy. 

Hotch is happy, finding a friend in Dr. Spencer Reid, even if sometimes that friendship seems to transcend layers he didn’t know were there. Developing into something else, something he hadn’t touched in a long, long time. 

Months pass. Months. Like a blur. Like they’ve only just started this thing that’s anticipatory and comfortable and flexible in its medium and that is so easy -- everything Hotch needs in his life -- that he can barely imagine what his days and nights were like before this. Before Spencer. 

But it’s months into this correspondence, this charged and bright thing, that he’s home late one night with a Scotch in one hand and a losing game of online chess long forgotten on his laptop screen. Lost in messaging Spencer, back to his phone instead of the chat feature of the chess game. Because texting is their comfort zone, now. He never thought it would be, had seen teenagers and adults attached to their phones like a lifeline and used to scoff about it, but he finally has begun to understand. 

Because here he is -- not even looking up when he takes a drink -- lost in his conversation with Spencer. Making each other laugh, in a way he hasn’t in so long. Loud and high and afraid he might wake Jack down the hall so he stifles it with another sip of his Scotch.

[]9/8, 21:12[] If Jack wakes up, you know that’s it for us. He’ll never go back to sleep.

[]9/8, 21:13[] Then stop laughing so loud. I honestly can’t imagine you laughing enough to wake him.

[]9/8, 21:14[] Usually I don’t. I never laugh like this, but I used to.

[]9/8, 21:16[] Mr. FBI isn’t allowed to laugh, I thought. Didn’t they beat that out of you at the academy?

[]9/8, 21:19[] I was able to retain a smidgen of humor, it’s well hidden. You just seem to bring it out more than others.

[]9/8, 21:20[] I’m flattered. 

[]9/8, 21:20[] You should be. 

[]9/8, 21:21[] If my team saw me crack a smile I’d probably be forced to get a CAT scan.

[]9/8, 21:23[] Do you need one? I have an M.A. in Cognitive Sciences, I’ll be your second opinion.

[]9/8, 21:24[] Probably, but I’ll live.

[]9/8, 21:25[] Very stiff upper lip of you. They teach you that at the academy, too?

[]9/8, 21:26[] No, that would be Scotland Yard. I liaised there for a while.

[]9/8, 21:28[] Wow, you get around. Have you been anywhere else on your global exploration?

[]9/8, 21:31[] Hardly that, I just go where the bureau tells me. I’ve already been bounced all over the country before landing at the BAU. All you can do is keep the ‘stiff upper lip’ and adapt.

[]9/8, 21:31[] “Keep Calm & Carry On”?

[]9/8, 21:33[] Garcia gave me that on a mug last Christmas. I still don’t know what it’s from.

[]9/8, 21:34[] Your age is showing. Get with the times, old man.

[]9/8, 21:35[] You’re one to talk.

[]9/8, 21:35[] What?

Hotch bites back a smile, thinking about how for months he had been so sure Spencer was this elderly professor in his 60’s or 70’s that just happened to find their conversations interesting. That was… very apparently wrong, Hotch can see that now, but he hadn’t had any evidence to the contrary for the entire time they corresponded those first few months. 

He could have done a background check on the professor at any time, is sure Garcia already has one saved in a file ready to send him at his first request, but it’s more fun this way. The not knowing, the learning about each other piece by careful piece. Even the smallest bits of information, such as age. 

He bet Spencer would get a kick out of his first impression of the man, though.

[]9/8, 21:37[] Oh come on, you know.

[]9/8, 21:39[] No, I actually don’t. Congratulations, you’ve stumped the super genius.

[]9/8, 21:39[] But really, what do you mean?

[]9/8, 21:42[] I always just assumed you are at least ten years my senior, maybe even fifteen. How are you more with the times than I am?

[]9/8, 21:43[] I work at a University. I am surrounded by hormones and the dribble of youth.

There’s a slightly lengthy pause after that exchange, enough Hotch starts to pay closer attention through the buzz of liquor settled over his skin pleasantly.

[]9/8, 21:49[] How old do you think I am?

[]9/8, 21:50[] I don’t know, is it rude if I answer?

Hotch is not laughing to himself, he promises. 

[]9/8, 21:52[] Why do you think I’m older?

[]9/8, 21:53[] This feels like a trap.

[]9/8, 21:53[] It’s not.

[]9/8, 21:56[] Well, honestly just from your academic achievements. Not everyone has that kind of time. And all your departments you run, you have to have a pretty level head and knack for maturity to keep that all in order. Especially doctorate students. 

[]9/8, 21:58[] Thank you, I think.

[]9/8, 22:00[] I bet you’re the coolest old man on campus, though, don’t get me wrong.

Hotch does outright laugh after he sends that, manages to keep it a little bit quieter, and commends himself on having the upperhand in the conversation for once as he stares at his phone for a few minutes, awaiting an answer. 

If he had to guess, Hotch supposes he’s held on to that stubborn image of Spencer being a stooped old professor out of habit. But the more the two have talked, after he'd gotten to know the man and his written verbal expressions and just the way his life runs day to day, it’s pretty easy to see that that is not correct. Spencer could be someone around Dave or Jason’s age, but more likely even younger than that -- closer to his own. 

And that… is an intriguing thought that sparks something in his chest. He smothers it with another sip of Scotch and realizes that it has been a solid five minutes of silence. With Spencer not even typing out a response.

[]9/8, 22:06[] Was it something I said?

[]9/8, 22:07[] No, I’m just… contemplating my answer.

[]9/8, 22:07[] Answer to what?

Hotch hasn’t drank that much, but he doesn’t believe he asked a question at all. He scrolls back through their conversation and doesn’t see one. Spencer has asked a good handful, though, all about Hotch’s perception of his age. 

Interesting.

[]9/8, 22:09[] Respond, not answer.

[]9/8, 22:10[] I’m all turned around now.

[]9/8, 22:12[] Flustered in your old age? Now I’m flattered. 

This is almost like flirting. Skirts the edges of it, and Hotch feels more emboldened to try the more Spencer tap-dances around what is obviously Hotch’s incorrect assumption of his age. He had had no idea Hotch thought he was older, that is apparent, and it’s throwing the other man for a loop for some reason Hotch can’t ascertain. 

[]9/8, 22:15[] I’m not old.

[]9/8, 22:15[] I’m not even older than you.

[]9/8, 22:16[] And how do you know that?

[]9/8, 22:17[] Just trust me on this.

[]9/8, 22:17[] Well, how old are you?

Another long, lengthy pause that Hotch waits for with baited breath. He knows that Spencer is there, that he’s staring at his phone and trying to decide the best way to answer without really answering anything. It’s only a matter of minutes, but that is a long time for them. When they are deep in a conversation like this.

Hotch isn’t laughing to himself anymore, but he’s more pleasantly confused than worried. He really has no idea what is making Spencer so hesitant.

[]9/8, 22:22[] Spencer?

[]9/8, 22:25[] I’m not going to tell you.

[]9/8, 22:26[] What, you want me to guess?

[]9/8, 22:28[] You’ll never guess.

[]9/8, 22:29[] That sounds like a challenge. How many guesses do I have?

[]9/8, 22:31[] None. Listen, I don’t want you to know. I shouldn’t have said anything.

[]9/8, 22:33[] I’m afraid it’s going to change your perception of me, and we’ll stop talking like this.

[]9/8, 22:34[] Just keep imagining me with wrinkles and a cane, I’m okay with that.

That drops the small smile right off his face.

Hotch is… surprised by this turn of events. What could be so shocking about this that Spencer thinks they would stop talking to each other? They’re corresponding every night. How could he possibly stop on a dime like that?

It doesn’t make any sense. And that’s not the alcohol talking.

[]9/8, 22:37[] I honestly don’t see how that would be possible.

[]9/8, 22:39[] I’m not going to stop talking to you just because you aren’t the senior professor I imagined running Caltech with an Iron Fist.

[]9/8, 22:40[] Now you’re projecting. 

[]9/8, 22:40[] You saying I’m too strict?

[]9/8, 22:41[] Tyrant, I think was the term I chose. 

[]9/8, 22:42[] Pretentious.

[]9/8, 22:44[] But Spencer, unless you are somehow underage with five Ph.D.’s, there’s no reason for us to stop talking. 

[]9/8, 22:47[] You would not believe how many people treat me like I'm underage, to this day. So that doesn’t inspire confidence.

Hotch pauses with his glass halfway back to his lips, only a few sips left in the glass. Staring at his phone and struggling to make sense of what Spencer is saying. Hotch had been trying to joke and tease with him, but now the word ‘underage’ feels like a glaring beacon of a word on his screen. 

He’s very suddenly more than a little nervous, even through the haze of alcohol. He is 45 years old, no matter what he keeps telling Spencer -- there is a limit to this being appropriate or not. What that limit is, he’d have to consider when he’s more sober, and it makes him feel like he should be reigning in the flirtatious notes that keep worming their way into the conversation. 

But it’s not actually possible for him to be that young, and everything he’s learned about the man indicates he’s closer to his own age. Was he in his 30’s? Even that felt too young for what Hotch had (subconsciously) profiled -- no, it has to be something else. 

No matter what, he didn’t want to keep getting Spencer worked up like this about it. His age hadn’t bothered Hotch before that night, so maybe if he drops it they can revert back to how they’d been spending their late evening hours before this turn in the conversation. 

[]9/8, 22:50[] But I’m NOT underage.

[]9/8, 22:51[] If that needed to be said.

[]9/8, 22:53[] Can you buy alcohol by yourself?

[]9/8, 22:54[] Yes.

[]9/8, 22:54[] See this is what I was afraid of.

[]9/8, 22:55[] Relax, I was trying to tease you. 

[]9/8, 22:57[] You don’t have to tell me, Spencer. I’ll just keep picturing Sean Connery, or John Steinbeck in the later years.

[]9/8, 22:59[] I see you have a type. 

[]9/8, 23:00[] Well, who do you picture when you think of me?

[]9/8, 23:01[] Hugo Weaving, Matrix era. Or Richard Feynman.

[]9/8, 23:02[] Well now I feel typecasted. Who’s Feynman?

[]9/8, 23:02[] An American Theoretical Physicist from the 40’s-60’s.

[]9/8, 23:03[] Ouch. How old do you think *I* am?

[]9/8, 23:04[] I’m afraid to answer that.

[]9/8, 23:04[] O.u.c.h.

[]9/8, 23:06[] You’ve been borderline flirting with me, and you just said you thought I was in my 60’s! What was I supposed to think?

[]9/8, 23:07[] If you’re looking in that age bracket, I’m sure I can get you the Biology Department Head’s number.

[]9/8, 23:07[] He’s 72 with rheumatoid arthritis. 

[]9/8, 23:08[] You are hysterical. So funny.

Hotch is smiling wide down at his phone again, feeling lighter and glad he got them back on track. 

But… 

He can’t help but think back to what he just tried to drop entirely. Blame the Scotch, or whatever drive to know that makes him dig down and root out information in cold cases in his spare time, Hotch doesn’t think he can let it go. Not when it was something Spencer hadn’t meant to be a secret in the first place. Not when, knowing that it has created misinformation between them unintentionally, results in Spencer shying away and hesitant to tell Hotch anything more about himself. 

Not when he’d said ‘flirting’, because that had been what Hotch was doing, and he can’t even describe how disappointing it would be to quit while he was ahead. When the build up has been so gradual and easy and everything he’d been looking for and could never seem to find.

Now, this slight disruption is sticking in his mind, sharp like a thorn in his side. Always there, making itself known, and he wonders if he is lucid enough to try and draw the information out of Spencer via interview tactics -- or if the brilliant man would see right through any of his attempts.

Probably. Who was he kidding? Spencer had more degrees and college hours under his belt than Hotch could manage in a lifetime. Best to do this the old fashioned way, then.

[]9/8, 23:10[] 38.

[]9/8, 23:11[] Oh. Really? That’s kind of young to be Unit Chief, congratulations.

[]9/8, 23:11[] No, not me. You. I’m guessing 38.

[]9/8, 23:12[] Oh.

[]9/8, 23:12[] Incorrect.

[]9/8, 23:13[] I don’t even get a hint?

[]9/8, 23:13[] Nope.

[]9/8, 23:15[] We’re not playing a game. I’m not telling you.

[]9/8, 23:15[] So you won’t guess my age, either?

[]9/18, 23:17[] Chicken.

[]9/8, 23:17[] 45.

Hotch near throws his phone across the room. Almost makes a quip about how reading his file is cheating -- but he knows Spencer just made a stupidly accurate ‘educated guess’ because he knows fucking everything. 

They really should just put him on the payroll. Hotch is being selfish keeping the man all to himself.

But God, is he enjoying it, too.

[]9/8, 23:19[] There’s no way you profiled that with that kind of accuracy. 

[]9/8, 23:20[] How do you do that?

[]9/8, 23:21[] Black magic.

[]9/8, 23:22[] I’ll get it out of you one day, I swear.

[]9/8, 23:23[] And as a man of your word, I believe that you truly believe that.

[]9/8, 23:23[] Full of jokes tonight, aren’t you?

[]9/8, 23:25[] I live to amuse. 

[]9/8, 23:25[] And make you smile.

[]9/8, 23:27[] You are one of the few that do.

With a careful pause, nothing left in his glass, a thought perched on the edges of his mind that is already watery with cognitive dissonance, Hotch starts typing before he’s even fully made the decision.

[]9/8, 23:30[] You really think my flirting is borderline? I was going for subtlety, but I must be rusty.

[]9/8, 23:32[] Actually, I just thought I was projecting.

[]9/8, 23:23[] You were married, I didn’t want to presume.

Oh. 

The consideration is touching, and sobering even in the dimness of his home office, but it draws the softest of smiles back to Hotch’s face when he begins to type out his answer.

[]9/8, 23:35[] Thank you, for thinking of me first.

[]9/8, 23:37[] But Haley and I separated a long time before she died. We were actually divorced before she went into WICSEC. I miss her every day. But I did try to date for a while, before that. 

[]9/8, 23:39[] No luck? I would have thought the FBI badge would at least garner some interest.

[]9/8, 23:40[] I’ve been told I’m intimidating.

[]9/8, 23:41[] I don’t think you are.

[]9/8, 23:42[] You will if you ever meet me. I’ve made underlings cry before without speaking a word.

[]9/8, 23:44[] The Hotchner stare. Have you coined that?

[]9/8, 23:45[] I should. It’s got a ring to it.

They banter and causally slip a few more… flirtatious comments in, and Hotch realizes it really isn’t that much different than before. That he had indeed been flirting with the man long before he knew his age. Which was odd, he didn’t typically go for older men and women. But now that he’s aware Spencer is younger than he thought, possibly even his own age (he swears he is, would put money on it if he could), somehow there’s more of a charge in their correspondence, a warmth and buzzing elation that has nothing to do with his Scotch. Especially now that it’s long gone.

It’s all Spencer, and how they compliment each other, and Hotch finds himself near giddy with that information.

He tries, towards the end of the night where it tips over into the early hours of the morning, to imagine an image of Spencer again -- and finds that he doesn’t even care to. He’s enamored with the man and his wit and the way he makes Hotch laugh without trying. How he looks, his age, it doesn’t matter. Not really. Not to Hotch.

But he is still curious why Spencer won’t reveal it. He can’t be that young.

[]9/9, 00:43[] You really won’t tell me?

[]9/9, 00:45[] Maybe one day. When I’m feeling brave.

[]9/9, 00:46[] Well, I’ll be there. Waiting. 

[]9/9, 00:46[] 32.

[]9/9, 00:47[] You’ll never guess.

[]9/9, 00:48[] There’s only so many numbers.

[]9/9, 00:50[] Goodnight, Hotch.

[9/9, 00:51] Goodnight, Spencer.

-

(tbc...)

-

Tagged List:  @spencehotchner @ssa-sarahsunshine @gothamapologist @reidology @marsjareau @dragon-snaps-fandom​ @emmyraebird @just-an-emo-rat​​​ @aaron-hotchner187 @dk18077 @more-heid-pls @fakin-it-til-i-make-it @merpancake

[galacticlamps]

im sorry im sorry im sorry i know it’s been well over a year but i accidentally thought about Short Trips: Deleted Scenes (again) and it’s killing me (again) so i think im just gonna go ahead and post all these stupid thoughts that have been plaguing me about it since i first heard it & maybe that’ll help clear up some space in my head for like, real life things.

Spoilers I guess? It’s like a year and a half old but also high key the most recent 2nd doctor content i believe we’ve gotten which is like, the only negative thing I can say about it

The TLDR version is this:

I literally cant believe how sweet it is? Painful, but sweet. Like. I don’t honestly know what’s more likely - did they set out to write Jamie a nice little straight love interest and just fail miserably at it by constantly likening her to the Doctor AND paralleling the Doctor’s perspective with her ex’s AND putting Jamie’s relationships with both of them in direct tension with each other while constantly letting his with the Doctor win out?

OR - did they do a very 1960s thing and say hey we’re gonna write what’s essentially a story about how much Jamie and the Doctor love each other and release it on Valentine’s Day thinly disguised as a one-off romance with a french lady?

Now, as a general rule, my attitude toward questions like that is usually “don’t know, don’t care, doesn’t matter” - and while I 100% stand by that, I also have to admit that this particular audio seems to pay enough attention to detail that I’d kind of think I was selling it short if I assumed too many of these things were just meaningless coincidences, you know?

Anyway, that’s the most coherent/overarching thought. And here’s a disorganized list of things I absolutely cannot get over about it (they don’t form any kind of argument, mind, they just all happen to live rent free in my head):

- Celine is first taken in by Jamie being an idiot (specifically him claiming not to speak French, in perfect French); likewise, her entrance in the scene where they actually kiss is marked with a little anecdote about her hat getting stuck on a doornail and her scolding it as she attempts to fix her un-tameable appearance, and the narration says Celine “would often clown for Jamie like this” - all of which, while undeniably adorable, don’t exactly strike me as entirely original traits to have been assigned to Jamie’s love-interest (but also Celine is so cool and her perspective on film/media/time is an excellent addition to the long list of dr who characters)

- When they’re in the present, describing Jamie’s relationship with Celine in 1908, they call him her “companion” and highlight his going nearly everywhere with her, which earns a laugh from the 4th doctor (and me as well, though probably for slightly different reasons - but like, is that really all it takes to have a fling with someone in 60′s era who? bc if so...)

- Celine’s ex-fiance is still in love with her and is jealously watching when she kisses Jamie ... and then the Doctor appears beside him, evidently doing the exact. same. thing. They have the following conversation:

“You know, it’s not prudent to spy on people. But then, people in pain can’t be expected to act prudently.”

“Pain, monsieur? You mistake me.”

“Ah, do I? Good, because I rather thought you’d lost something.”

“What would you know about loss monsieur?”

- I’m sorry doc but who do you think you are, saying stuff like that and smiling sadly at the floor to boot? I 100% had to pause it here the first time I listened, just to not throw my laptop across the room. 

- Then when I recovered continued, the Doctor closes the door so they can’t watch anymore and explains “Possessing things comes so terribly easily to some men that losing them can feel cruel, intolerably cruel. In my experience, only the very best of men cannot be tempted to answer that cruelty with more - I do sincerely hope that you are the best of men.” (guess who gets described as the best of men by the end of the audio?)

- Jamie and the Doctor apparently develop a habit of walking along the river in Paris in silence

- During one such walk, Jamie suggests Celine come with them since she already figured out about the Tardis - and when the Doctor’s worried by this, he says he only allowed Jamie & Celine to grow closer “because of Victoria.” Jamie takes offense at the ‘allowing it’ comment and also refuses to admit he knows what the Doctor means about Victoria, which leads the Doctor to say that he knows how fond Jamie was of her - he was too, of course, but with him, “it was different, wasn’t it?” Jamie only says maybe that’s true and maybe that’s not, but his voice catches until he changes the subject

- Jamie doesn’t see Celine for days both times that she’s recovering from the shock and depression of her work being destroyed. In contrast, when the Doctor’s not well, Jamie’s "afraid” and “guilty” and hardly seems to leave his side at all, if his being there “rushing to embrace him” the second he wakes up - after a period Jamie describes as “at least a week” - is anything to go by, anyway. so either bf writers need to learn how to write a committed straight relationship or admit that’s not what they ever intended in the first place

- Oh yeah, and the Doctor spends that week "asleep” in Jamie’s bedroom - no, there’s no explanation as to if that’s where he was when he first collapsed or if it’s where Jamie decided to take him bc why would they feel the need to explain him being there? why was it even relevant to tell us it was Jamie’s room in the first place?

- The Doctor somehow manages to control the Tardis enough to take Celine on one trip to an alien planet and then return to the correct time & place for her to use the footage she recorded there in her new film - and while the audio doesn’t do very much to explain how that was possible, it does treat this as A Pretty Big Deal, and immediately afterward the Doctor has to spend a week communing with his past self (and/or the Tardis?) debating how likely it is that the Time Lords could use this to trace him. When he decides it’s not worth the risk and they have to stop the film from ever being shown to the public, Jamie asks why he agreed to it in the first place, and all he can say is “Because, Jamie, you asked me to!” earning awkward stares from the crowd.

- Oh, but, lest we forget, that little outburst is also immediately followed by him putting his arm around Jamie’s shoulders, and, shockingly, apparently beginning to actually explain the truth about the danger from the Time Lords - until they’re interrupted, of course idk why exactly but the idea of a 60s dr wanting to come clean with a companion but not being allowed to bc the show demands the war games be something of a reveal hurts me in a very good way

- The mental image of “the Doctor and Jamie, resplendent in borrowed evening wear”

- The audio admitting that Jamie’s not very good at subterfuge, and the Doctor asking if he’s going to be alright with them having to steal the film back from Celine - and Jamie’s little “Aye, Doctor” as he feels a ‘glass arrow piercing his chest’ glad to see bf is reading all my letters about exactly how i feel any time something sad happens to james robert mccrimmon

- The Doctor’s anxious to get out of there for obvious reasons, but he hangs around bc Jamie wants to see Celine again - which doesn’t happen, because of her aforementioned shock & depression, but she does leave Jamie a note that ends “you and that Doctor of yours - look after him Jamie, he loves you dearly, as do I.” yeah, if you didn’t want people to draw a parallel there, you could’ve picked, like, any other wording in the world.

- In case you weren’t fully convinced I’ve been reading too much into this whole audio already, consider this: Celine dies in Long Island in 1968, three days before her birthday - 1968 is when this story would’ve taken place in the show’s history (between Fury & Wheel), and dying three days before/after a birthday in America seems a bit... well I had some deja vu from it, anyway

- Four of all people being the one to bring back the film - I know he does it bc Sarah Jane makes him, but personally, I often feel like despite the length of his run, 4 is the Doctor with which we might’ve gotten the fewest glimpses into his interiority, so the fact that it’s him and not one of the more overtly sentimental Doctors makes it feel like it carries even more weight somehow, to me anyway. I think I wrote a post saying roughly the same thing about 4 & Fate of Krelos/Return to Telos but maybe I only did that inside my own head lol. Still, I’m all for any opportunities for Jamie to be one of the few characters to draw some noticeable emotion out of Four, but in fairness I haven’t touched too much of his EU stuff to really be able to compare the frequency with which this happens with other past companions

- Is Four referring to Two or Jamie when he says he got the film from “an old family friend”? Two did the actual stealing, but he probably means Jamie’s involvement - either way, it’s an interesting way of describing old companions - or selves?

- When Jemima goes to call Jamie a thief, Four is “roused” to defend him: “he really was the very best of men” again, any time four freely shows he cares about someone, im over the moon about it

- Oh ha ha, there’s an audio called “Deleted Scenes” featuring the Doctor who’s most affected by junked episodes. And at the end of it, a character who’s spent her life researching and lecturing about a lost film gets to watch it be ‘rediscovered’ after it’s gone unseen for decades. I feel marginally less stupid for reading into the other details of a story like this when it ends up deciding to be to be clever & slightly meta like that

But yeah

all in all, it’s kind of amazing to me that this genuinely reads like they sat down and said okay boys it’s valentines day, let’s write an audio where jamie kisses a girl, since that hasn’t happened except as a plot device in one story in 1967 - but then when they got down to business they accidentally(?) wrote a story all about how important his bond with the Doctor is and how easily that can be compared to a legitimate love interest (even if the love interest in question is a one off character & the extent of the relationship appears to be like one kiss & then having Jamie spend most of his time around the Doctor instead)

I realize there’s something slightly illogical about writing the words “shipping aside” after a post like this but seriously - no matter how many categories you’re able to see two & jamie’s relationship fitting into, this is 40 minutes of big finish just hitting you over the head with how powerful/special/important that relationship is, and with them being two of my favorite characters, i really haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since

[fairycontessa]

Pain & Punishment

A little writing about my evolving relationship with food and eating.

It’s day 4. I can do it. I just have to get to the end of the day and I’ve finished this punishment and I can finally eat without feeling guilty. But I keep failing. My original punishment was just 2 days, but I failed and had to start over and add a day to my punishment- twice. How am I ever going to be worthy of being alive if I can’t do this.

And morning seems to be the hardest to get through. I’ve woken up from nightmares multiple times every night this week, mom is more likely to make breakfast for me if I don’t look busy before she starts, and I don’t have the momentum of the day helping me like I do with lunch time and dinner time. Breakfast is when it’s easy to fail my punishment and have to start over. Just this last day and then I can eat without guilt. I can make it through breakfast.

I shower, get dressed, brush my teeth, and make my way down the dark, windowless stairs to leave for class. As I’m walking out the door, mom wishes me a good day.

I walk up the street a few blocks to the light rail station and ride it to the intersection for the other rail that takes me to campus. I have a full day of paying attention to my lectures with almost 0% sleep, and no food for a few days. It’s going to be a rough day. But tomorrow will be extra sweet because I can eat and I won’t have any classes at all. I just need to remember the things I’m supposed to do and not do to make sure I don’t have to extend my punishment.

Don’t bother other people.

Don’t take up their space.

Don’t be an inconvenience.

Be perfect.

Don’t sin.

Be what I’m expected to be.

Don’t be gay?

    That last one trips me up every day on the light rail. And in my classes. And watching tv at home. And going to the bank, grocery store, or park. Thankfully the area where I live is mostly old people so when I go for walks it’s no trouble. And my walks keep me out of the house so I’m not bothering or inconveniencing anyone. But the light rail. Well it’s where I am right now, and the cute guy that wears the trench coat and has smokey eyes is supposed to get on at the next stop. But that doesn’t matter to me and it’s not important. It’s just a short little train ride through the city to class with strangers I don’t know. What they look like doesn’t matter. I will not think about hugging him and wonder what embracing him would be like. Or a kiss. No, those things don’t cross my mind. Because if they did I would have to extend my punishment.

    My system goes something like this, for every rule I break, it’s one day of no food to teach myself to not break those rules. If I eat before my punishment term is done, I restart and add an extra day. This system is part of my religion now. I don’t know if I know the God I used to believe in, but this is how God functions now. Just like he punished people, it’s my job to punish myself- to make sure I’m worthy of being alive and to make sure I’m worthy of His love. One day I’ll be worthy. I just have to get through today.

One Week Later

    I’m on my 8th hour of walking today. That’s one reason why I love having a full class schedule on Mondays and Wednesdays- I have no responsibilities on the other days. (Plus there isn’t time to eat on those days, too). So I can walk for hours and hours outside around the neighborhood, the pond, the park. The lack of eating and all the walking keeps me thin. I don’t like my body, not really. I feel trapped by it. I am held prisoner by it. Sometimes it feels good to punish myself, and I enjoy it. Sometimes it’s a lot of work to withstand it. I think my walking is also part of my punishment, but usually I think it’s a nice hobby. I live for hours inside my head, making up worlds that I’d rather be in. Those times don’t count for accruing punishment, only when I’m with other people or trying to live in the real world. My fake worlds are mine alone and don’t count in tallying my religion’s punishment.

    I didn’t finish day 4 last week. I failed. I got home and my mom had dinner waiting for me and I couldn’t think of a way to get out of it. I excused myself from my punishment. It would have been inconveniencing to my mom if she made dinner for me and I didn’t eat it, and I didn’t want to break rule #3. That was my way of absolving myself of the guilt of failing. But I’ve been good since then! Only had to do one day of punishment and I did it without a problem!

A Couple Years Later

    I’m at this family’s house and it’s really weird. There’s always food here, and so much of it. And they always offer food to people, over and over again. I walk in and I’m greeted with some sentence 4 people yell about the next meal and a snack I can eat in the meantime.  And they just…offer it to me. I haven’t done anything to earn it, or worked for it. They just spend their money on the food and time making it and give it away. I don’t eat at my parents house, and I don’t have any money to buy my own…so I’ve been eating a snack, dinner, and a snack when I’m here the last few weeks. But I feel guilty for that, because I haven’t earned it. But they’re so happy to just give me the food, and I don’t even ask for it. I don’t know what to do.

A Few Years Later

    Time to make yet another meal. Sigh. So much effort. I could just not eat…

        No, I need to eat. Even if it’s just something easy. Everything is so much work though. I’ve gone way longer than just one meal without eating…

    No, I need to eat. Let’s eat some cheese off this block and eat a couple of cold hot dogs. Nice and simple.

[midethefangirl]

Captain America: Civil War - My Thoughts

I know this is like 5 years late but for this, I’d like to resurrect a barely dead discourse that succeeded in not just dividing the Avengers but also dividing the fandom. Before we start, content warning for spoilers and let’s dive into this mess.

So, basically, the entire conflict of civil war stemmed from General Thaddeus Ross (who is a hypocritical dick, btw) coming to lecture the Avengers on being destructive despite conducting destructive experiments (ahem, the Abomination and the Hulk) but I digress. Then, Ross presents the Sokovian Accords which is really lengthy and we see Steve reading like a few chapters(?). Now, let us note that the Accords were presented to the Avengers after a mission-gone-wrong killed about 11 people in Lagos (lay-gos, not lah-gos that pronunciation gave me headaches as a Nigerian).

So, the Sokovian Accords were written by 117 countries and vetted by the UN asking for the Avengers to be under oversight (which SHIELD would have done if HYDRA hadn’t infiltrated it in the first place but it is what it is). Somehow, Steve made it about “our right to choose” (how?! Cause I’m not understanding) and decided to not sign*.

*he later got back to sign, then backed out when he learnt that Tony had placed Wanda under house arrest (even though it was for her protection. I do believe Tony should have fully informed Wanda about keeping her in the Avengers’ Tower)

My issues with the plot of Civil War are:

1. The Sokovian Accords were not read out loud or placed on some kind of PowerPoint slide for the audience to understand why Team Cap is against the Accords. No, the fandom wiki is not a source because that one is from Agents of SHIELD and not a lot of MCU fans are familiar with that show (yours sincerely included). Assuming the contents were read out loud or discussed by the Avengers, I’d have understood why Team Cap refused to sign the accords but since none of that was given, I’d remain Team Iron Man for this one.

2. The Sokovian Accords is not the American Constitution. Then again, the MCU fandom tends to be American-centric and most Americans seem to have this belief that the world revolves around them (and it manifests itself in Civil War discourse).

3. Contrary to popular opinion, the Sokovian Accords were about 117 (mostly third-world) countries asserting their sovereignty and boundaries, not taking away rights from the Avengers. If we go by what the MCU wiki claims about the accords, yes, some parts are absurd (like asking for blood samples and using trackers, why are those necessary?). However, when 117 countries state that they want you to respect their boundaries, I think it is best to comply. Unfortunately, respecting boundaries is one thing the USA has a problem complying with and guess who happens to represent America?

4. The Accords affected only their hero lives, not their lives as a civilian. I doubt the UN would limit the Avengers’ movements as civilians

5. Let us not forget how Steve and Clint protect Wanda from accountability and responsibility. Wanda in the MCU is like y/n in many fanfics where everyone (except for the “big bad villain” who in this case is Tony and 117 countries) seems to love her and want to protect her from facing the consequences of her actions. Anyone *ahem Tony* who has a bit of problem with her is suddenly the enemy. Not to mention how Wanda seems to have a knack for causing destruction in African countries (Johannesburg, Lagos, Wakanda)

6. And fandom behaviour from the Team Cap stans

7. Also, why is Civil War not an Avengers part 3? It’s better than making it a Captain America trilogy and then trying to frame Steve as being right.

8. I do believe that the accords were sped up which left little time for the Avengers to discuss and compromise on certain issues. If they were given more time to discuss, compromise and negotiate, I think the movie would have ended better than it had.

9. In addition, I also agree with Team Cap stans on how the UN arbitrarily deciding to shoot Bucky on sight is a human right violation.

10. “The safest hands are our own” why does this sound like a white saviour talk point from Steve? The accords is about 117 countries wanting you to respect their boundaries and the best you can come up with to refute that is saying something a white saviour would say?

11. “Even if the whole world is telling you to move...” just shut the fuck up, this is no way comparable to 117 countries trying to assert their sovereignty.

12. Look if I have to choose between surrendering a few rights as a hero and just dismissing that of civilians as potential damage, I’d go with the former because the people whom I’m suppose to protect come first. For me to dismiss their deaths as “we can’t save em all” is just not it.

13. “She’s just a kid”, a few years later and I still hate that term. One, it’s infantilizing an adult white woman (something white men have historically done and we all know how that went) . Two, while Tony was obviously wrong for not informing Wanda about her house arrest, he was right to keep her in the Tower when they were people who would harm her with every chance they could find. **

** after watching WandaVision, some people might find every reason to want to harm her.

14. Let us also discuss the motivation of those in Team Iron Man vs Team Cap

Team Iron Man

Tony: feels guilty for the events of Age of Ultron, believes that he’s stepped out of line and the Avengers need oversight.

Natasha: believes that the Avengers should listen to the public and the UN after all, if they had one hand on the wheel, they can still steer.

Vision: believes that the Avengers as a whole bring challenge which brings conflict and then catastrophe.

Rhodey: a soldier; believes in following orders especially when it is from the UN and 117 countries.

T’Challa: dude is just there to kill Bucky. I’m sure if Bucky was on team Ironman, my guy would have joined team cap, lmao 😂.

Spider-Man: not really there for a reason except to bring in Steve to Ross. I do agree that Tony shouldn’t have dragged him to the fight without Peter making an informed decision.

Team Cap

Steve: didn’t want to sign because it takes away his “right to choose”. Idk what that means or how it is relevant to the Sokovian Accords but okay. However, I understand his mistrust considering a few movies ago, we found out HYDRA had infiltrated SHIELD and as much as I believe governments are corrupt and the UN is shit, you cannot just enter a country anyhow without warning ahead of time.

Bucky: was his motivation given? I mean, I believe he joined Steve’s side to stop Zeno from unleashing the other winter soldiers. Not that that’s a bad reason, it isn’t.

Sam: again, I don’t think the movie gave us a reason for him being against the Accords. Did he also believe it was taking away his “right to choose”?

Wanda: undecided as of moment of discussion. Joined team cap because Tony placed her on house arrest. While I agree that Tony should have informed her that he was putting her under house arrest and stated the reasons why, I believe it was for good reasons especially when some people might decide to carry out witch hunts (you get it, witch hunts? 😅)

Clint: only joined because Wanda was placed under house arrest. We aren’t given any reason why he would oppose the Accords.

Scott: fan boy of Captain America, need I say more?

15. Also, to Team Cap stans blaming Tony Stark for Team Cap being imprisoned, grow the fuck up. The people in Team Cap are all adults who made their own decisions yet Tony is to blame for them breaking the law (because they did break the law), wtf.

16. “Are you capable of letting go of your ego for one damn second?” Like Steve’s ego didn’t play a part in all this too, lmao.

17. Okay, the final battle was intense and while I believe Bucky was also a victim, I can understand why Tony lashed out at him. The one to blame here is Steve because even if he had no clue Bucky was responsible for the Starks’ death, he still lied to Tony by not telling him who was responsible. It is more appalling to learn that Steve, in an attempt to “protect Tony and Bucky”, was actually covering for HYDRA!

Also, the way Steve stood emotionless while Tony watched a footage of his parents being killed. Yet, he could shield Wanda from watching the news because of how it affected her, okay.

“I can do this all day”, fuck you, Steve

18. Clint exploding at Tony is so fucking hilarious. Tony is right, Clint has a family yet he decided to fight in a war that didn’t concern him. Also, his comments about breaking backs is so tone deaf after Rhodey just broke his back!

19. If Sam was Captain America, I think Civil War wouldn’t have happened at all, from the dialogue in the Raft.

20. Overall, this movie is a fucking mess and I hate it for dividing both the Avengers and MCU fans.

Before I close with this, I want to add that I am not anti-Steve but Civil War really made me hate him. I get, Steve is supposed to be a Boy Scout and shit like that, but he’s a Gary Stu in the MCU, let’s be honest about it. Civil War should have been an Avengers movie, rather than a part of the Captain America trilogy. The Avengers should have been given more time than three days to discuss the Accords and make necessary amendments; after all that went down in Lagos, Wanda should have been made to sit out missions and maybe we could have had someone like Doctor Strange help in training her; Crossbones would have made a great villain but it is what it is; Peter’s introduction to the MCU could have been as him actually interning for the Stark Industries and forming a kind of acquaintance with Tony Stark before Tony finds out that he’s Spider-Man; Steve should have told Tony about HYDRA‘s hands in his parents’ deaths. Anyway, I’ll go read Civil War fix-it fanfics and fanfics where the Avengers are more like family. Fuck Civil War and I’m outta here.

Edit: okay this was a thought I had when I was trying to sleep but it was too good to ignore. Rhodey has a point about Steve arrogance (if that’s the correct term) in saying “the safest hands are our own” and here’s why:

Like he stated “this is not the World Security Council...neither is this SHIELD nor HYDRA” (paraphrased). This is the UN as well as 117 countries. Look, I am as anti-government as one can go and I don’t believe that the UN are reliable (plus, if we really want to go by the AoS version of the Accords, the Accords are flawed and they need amendments), however, given the US records on disrespecting boundaries in many third world countries, I can understand why 117 countries are wary about a bunch of superpowered Americans entering their country.

To us, the Avengers are saving the world. To these 117 countries and the people who have families who were killed in the crossfire (Zemo is a good example), the Avengers are a bunch of nuisances who leave destruction wherever they tread.

I am still neutral on the whole Accords as I don’t know exactly what it entails but for Steve to go “we are surrendering our rights to choose” (again, how is the Accords threatening the Avengers’ right to choose?) when asked to be under oversight is tone deaf.

[mthvn]

Post-”Chaos Theory”: A Conversation with Flavia Dzodan and Metahaven

Metahaven Flavia, we've been talking about the Chaos Theory script even before the pandemic started. At the time it was a way of finding a voice (as every script is). Our friendship and collaborations have been major encouragements in completing the film the way it did. What do you think about the film now that you've watched it?

Flavia Dzodan I loved it! Chaos Theory made me think of some of Alexander Kluge's ideas about the artist as a seismographer, someone who anticipates what's to come through subtle, almost imperceptible changes on the ground. At the same time, Kluge talks about the artist as someone whose reactions are observed (like one observes a seismographer) to anticipate what is to come. In that sense, I see Chaos Theory as presenting us with a potential future, where the interdependencies are not merely acknowledged but central to the way we relate to one another and to our surroundings and ecosystems. I see the relationships in the film as not just from human to human but also in relation to the outside. To me, this is a film made of textures and invocations, a film about love yes but also about the kind of future we want to build.

Metahaven We've often talked about Tenet (Christoper Nolan, 2020) and its many quirks and features, including the female lead who, whenever it is announced that the entire world population will die, exclaims in despair: "AND MY SON!" Any thoughts? :)

Flavia Dzodan I've been thinking a lot lately about how narrating can often be a distraction from "feeling things." What I mean is that films are sometimes very preoccupied with the narration (i.e., telling a story) but such narration operates as a way to avoid dealing with the emotions or the feelings themselves. Since "feeling" is passé, sincerity has practically become an artefact or a curiosity rather than part of the process of telling a story. I do not think that Tenet is guilty of "ironic detachment"-that would maybe make the film interesting (or at least slightly funnier)-but instead, I believe Tenet is the guy at the bar who takes himself so seriously and will explain to you all the ways in which he is smarter than you. That's what makes Tenet tedious and stuffy and quite honestly, devoid of any kind of emotion. There was a point in the film when I was wishing for this supposed apocalypse to finally take place so that we could be free to go and do something else. I'd love to see Nolan attempt to make a comedy, something that doesn't need to constantly remind us how smart he is. Maybe Nolan shouldn't be so worried about saving the patriarchy via "BUT MY SON!" and instead should worry more about coherent storytelling that doesn't require a dozen forum posts to be understood. Who has time for that kind of sleuthing these days?  

In a lot of ways, and I think I've said this to you, I see Chaos Theory as a sort of anti-Tenet manifesto. Not only because there is no son to save from the end of the world but also because Chaos Theory is not structured as a narration to distract from emotions. On the contrary, Chaos Theory lunges at the sentimentality with a refreshing shamelessness. I am sure some might see this as a weakness but at a time when we mourn collective losses counted in the millions, I celebrate emotional sincerity as the only worthy form of engagement. I refuse to continue this pretension that we are objective creatures imbued by rational thinking. Capitalism and, specifically the neoliberal administration of life which is so dependent on budgets and accountancy practices, benefits from our emotional detachment: if we remain cool and ironically detached in the presence of suffering and cruelty, we are less reactive to injustice. Instead, I advocate for a radical sentimentalism that forces us to deal with the immense grief of this collective loss. I need more art that makes me cry rather than art that makes me shrug.

Metahaven What can be redeemed about emotion-and even about sentimentality-in the face of its constant use by conservative agendas?

Flavia Dzodan I don't know if "redeem" is the word I'd use. I believe it's worth making a distinction: not all sentimentality is created equal or is identical (even if the appeal to emotion might a priori appear to be so). Emotions can be evoked to connect us to one another, drawing out our best qualities. They can also be evoked to alienate and exacerbate exclusion. I'd be wary of condemning sentimentality as a whole just because conservatives made better use of its potential. In fact, I'd rather wonder why the more progressive or leftist side of the spectrum decided to eschew emotion and instead, attempt to appeal to a faux neutrality or detachment that are not even such. The problem is not "feeling things," the problem is how those feelings can be manipulated for a political end that is not inclusive or even caring but rather divisive and cruel. Just as much as the right can evoke rancid nationalistic sentiments, we should be able to remind ourselves that shared emotions are what connect us to one another.

Metahaven "The music that you heard, the poetry that soaked your soul, it is in no way ornamental. It is in no way decorative. It ought to be constitutive of who you are," Cornel West has said. How do you feel about these words?

Flavia Dzodan Again, I need to go back to this notion of humans as creatures guided by emotions. Poetry, music, beauty itself, then not as entertainment or distractions but as the core of who and what we are.

--- Amsterdam, July 1, 2021 This conversation was previously published on the Instagram profile of Boilerroom 4:3 It refers to the film work Chaos Theory, Metahaven, 2021

--- Flavia Dzodan is a writer, media analyst and cultural critic based in Amsterdam. She is a senior researcher and lecturer at Sandberg Instituut. Her research focuses on the politics of artificial intelligence and algorithms at the intersections of colonialism, race, and gender. In her research Dzodan examines the ways in which technology is created and deployed to reproduce historical patterns of social control. Her current research about beauty and ethics attempt to understand how cultural analysis may operate vis-a-vis semiotic codes, particularly in regards to teaching machines to identify highly subjective and culturally dependent ontologies such as those surrounding fashion and art. This work is a continuation of her previous research about "the coloniality of the algorithm," which situated Linnaean taxonomies at the heart of both colonial history and contemporary uses of technology. Dzodan is interested in ephemeral forms of publishing: she is the editor of the intermittent blog This Political Woman, where she has written about the rise of the alt-right, Big Data, networks, algorithms and community surveillance. Her work was published at Dissent, The Guardian, and The Washington Post, among others.

[a-monsters-love]

Spice

[Master List]

Art credit goes to: @ianterweb​ -- [Original Post]

Bakugo x Reader

Warnings: swearing (obvi it’s Bakugo), blood, a drop of gore (not in a stomach churning way), toy guns, implied pining, spoilers if you haven’t watch season 4, mentioned of death, Slow Burn

Genre: angst, fluff, combat

Word count: 12k

Time Line: I extended the timeline around between the provisional licensing exam and the work study program, part of me doesn’t think irl they’d just thrown out of the frying pan and into the fire.

A/N / Inspiration: So I rewatched ATLA and honestly I really wanted a Ty Lee styled reader for this, like just upbeat and positive but irl she’s got demons. Also I fully believe Ty Lee could kick Bakugo’s ass, no one can change my mind. I firmly believe he needs an S/o who can just whoop his ass, part of me thinks that’s the only way he’d ever accept a crush or a relationship. 

*So like, if (y/n) fought like Ty Lee who uses Tai Chi and Dim Mak (loosely translates to “Touch of Death” but we know it as chi blocking)

*All Tai Chi and Yoga pose names I fully researched  

*don’t @ me for this but because their classes only carry 20 students I’m sacrificing our sweet boy Rikido Sato (code name: Sugarman) b/c I haven’t seen enough of his character to know how to write him :L #TheProverbialSacrificialGoat

(Y/N) = Your Name

(Y/N/N) = Your Nickname

(L/N) = Last Name

(H/C) = Hair Color

(S/C) = Skin Color

(E/C) = Eye Color

(H/L) = Home Land i.e country of origin

——————

“Listen up.” Aizawa Sensei announced to the class dropping a book on his podium, gathering the classes attention he lazily sighs before speaking again. “As you’ve all noticed we still have an empty seat in the back of the class,” He points his hand in the general direction. “Moving forward, I have to introduce you to a new student to the class.” On cue the classroom door slides open, you walk in calmly despite your excitement. Your (H/C) hair is pulled up into a neat bun with your bangs clipped to the side, the only addition to your uniform being a pair of half palmed white gloves, you can feel everyone’s eyes scanning over you as you waltz in. “This is (L/N) (Y/N), I’ll let her introduce herself.” He finished as he stepped into his sleeping bag.

You glanced over at your new teacher, quickly understanding what kind of person he is before looking back at the class. “Hello, please feel free to call me (Y/N/N).” You giggle softly, “I just moved to Japan from (H/L) and it’s my understanding you guys have been together for sometime so I‘ll be in your care.” You smiled sweetly and gave a delicate bow.

“You’ll be sitting behind Koda,” He pointed to the obvious empty seat, “Between Ochaco and Shoto.” Aizawa Sensei made little effort to discern the two. “(Y/N) has already been moved into the dorms so I expect everyone to do their part in helping her get settled.” 

You only smiled as you made your way to your desk, shaking hands and giving polite greeting to your new desk mates. The girl beside you made quick work of making friends with you, the boy in front of you was extremely shy but made his own effort to wave back at you. You listened in on the class as the morning babble began, whispers in curiosity and a few waves and smile. You can feel a creepy gaze that made your skin crawl and heard a single but loud tongue click. “Another extra.” You heard him groan, the comment only made you snort a bit before the lecture started. 

You took color coded notes based off theme and what you decided or Aizawa Sensei said was important. Ochaco whispered about how cute your notes are causing you to whisper and explain why you did it. You noticed the way Shoto listened in on your organization explanation when you silently offered him a red and green pen. He took them both gratefully and confused at your action before deciding to make his own version of you system. When first period was over your desk was swarmed by your new classmates. 

You smiled brightly as they all introduced themselves when a boy, who introduced himself as Iida, tried to dispel the mob. “No-no it’s okay, we have plenty of time to get acquainted anyway.” You reassured him bashfully as the slimy kid, who introduced himself as Mineta, got a little too close for comfort. You took great pleasure in watching the pink girl grab him by the ankle and drop him in the trash. 

It was then that you heard a soft and almost awkward voice, “Can I ask what your quirk is?” Asked the green haired boy, Izuku is what someone called him.

“Of course!” You beamed, his clear anxiety from the question washes away as he pulled out a beat up notebook. “My quirk is called Molecular Regeneration, so basically Healing+, from what Aizawa-Sensei explained to me this morning I’ll be able to fully show everyone during gym.” You scanned over the group and motioned for Denki to come over. “I can heal little things like this pimple-“ You removed a glove and tapped his skin, fading the pimple away. “To great wounds, within reason of course. I have to eat a ton of food for the carbs, fats, proteins and all the extra good stuff if I use my quirk excessively but it’s a trade off I’m happy to make.” You put your glove back on and rubbed the back of your neck as you watched Izuku beam and start spiraling as he took notes. One of the other students explained that he does that often.

——

During gym everyone was paired up to fight, for practical and strategical purposes. Everyone gasped when Aizawa paired you up with Bakugo, saying it was cruel and you were new. You giggled at their concern, knowing full well that you could and have taken the blunt of an actual bomb and come out fine. Well fine-ish. “I paired them up purposely because I know he’ll be able to go all out and she’ll be fine.” He droned at his gaping students.

Each pair took turns, you watched everyone fight, analyzing their fighting styles noting where they went wrong. Your mother was a trained martial artist so you learned at a young age to do this. When your turn arrived you were excited to finally get up. You decided to take off your shoes as the boots you were provided weren’t practical for how you fought. “Don’t expect me to go easy on you just because you’re a girl.” Bakugo hissed.

You just smiled widely, “I’d be insulted if you did.” You chuckled, stretching a bit before getting into the Brush Knee starting position, legs spread slightly with a bent knee, one palm flat towards the ground and the other raised facing the boy. You looked relaxed, which seemed to anger him. As Aizawa blew his whistle he was quick to charge, when he got close you slapped his inner wrist the back of each hand. This pushes his arms to his sides as you twist around him and aggressively push on his spine with your palm causing him to falter forward. “Don’t expect me to go easy on you just because you’re a boy.” You teased at him, the face he made was that of confused rage.

“You think you can beat me with a few slaps?” He chided, earning a laugh from you as he charged again. 

“I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve.” You snorted.

His wrists sparked as he aimed to use his quirk on you, “We’ll see about that.” You could almost hear amusement in his voice as he made a circle out of one hand and shot exploding bullets at you. You barely managed to dodge as you pushed yourself into a backhand spring, you confused him when you used your arms to push towards him. 

He went to use and exploding hand to punch at you as you jabbed repetitively at his quirk fueled arm. His explosion dissipating as his arm went limp. “I suppose we will.” You beamed close to his face before failing to see the swift kick he struck your side with, easily throwing you from your close proximity. You chuckled a bit with a small cough as you skidded in the distance, didn’t see that coming.

“What the fuck did you do to my arm?” He demanded an answer as you ran back and cartwheeled towards him using the propulsion to jump at him, aiming a leg to kick him from the side. Knowing he’d reflexively block the kick when you were close you used your other foot to kick his chin upwards. 

Your kick was successful and satisfying, “Dim Mak, also known as Chi Blocking.” When he regained his stance from your kick you jabbed at his other arm causing it to go limp. You stood beside him as he groveled a bit. “And with that~ I think I win, I don’t think it’s much of a fair fight at this point.” You smiled sweetly at him. 

Aizawa whistled again to end the match, you grabbed Bakugo’s wrist shaking the limp limb to Aizawa when you heard a pop, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” You quietly warned him still holding his wrist with a smirk but being who he is as a person the hand you held exploded with his quirk. 

You heard an audible scream from the class, after the dust dispersed your hand was basically gone. Your radius and ulna bones were cracked and broken poking up from your tattered forearm, blood splattered across both your face and Bakugo’s. All the rage that quelled in his system wiped clean with a guilty and horrified expression, seeing the blood that soaked part of your hair and the mess he created. “Oh fuck, I-“ He started but realized you were still smiling, even as blood dropped down your arm. Aizawa groaned loudly. 

“Well, that was… spicy.” You snorted. Within moments the bones started to grow where your hand once was, thick red muscles climbed the bones followed by skin. You were regenerating your hand, you smiled but your gaze was dark as you stared at him. “I told you not to do that.” Using your newly regrown hand you punched him in the side of the face causing him to hit the floor, hard.

“I deserved that one.” He mumbled quietly on the ground, you stood over him smiling smugly. 

“Come on, get up and let me fix your arms.” You waved for him to sit up before looking to Aizawa, “I’m leaving early after this for a shower.”

“Please.” He sighed, sending up the next group who were just staring at you in a mix of horror and awe. “We don’t have all day.” Aizawa said.

You sat Bakugo down and sat behind him, almost forcing him to lean his back into your knees and shins. “Alright, Spice, let me fix your nerves.” You removed the glove that didn’t get blow up and pulled at a limp arm, using your quirk to heal the damaged nerves as well as massaging into pressure points to release the tension you forced into his blood stream. He groaned in agony before sighing in relief.

When you were done he rubbed his arms and hands as the prior numbness faded, he looked back at you as you decided to heal the burnt skin on your shoulder and cheek. You smirked when you caught his gaze on you, he ruffled his hair aggressively as he got up and ushered you to follow him. You both needed to head to the dorms to clean up, as you followed behind him you heard him mumble. “I’m sorry.” He earned a chuckle out of you causing him to look back. I just blew up your literal arm to the bones and you were acting like a ray of fucking sunshine, he thought to himself as confusion knitted his brows. “I’m not sure what happened, I didn’t know I could be that lethal.” He admitted almost hissing out the words as if they were painful.

“I’m not mad, Aizawa paired me up with you for that reason.” You shrugged bashfully, “And what happened back there was kinda… mostly my fault..” Your admission seemed to confuse him more. “When I jabbed you’re arms I disrupted your blood flow and by default your quirk. You have a strong one so it essentially grew like an actual bomb and exploded more or less on its own.” He watched you explain, you just hoped he wouldn’t feel too guilty. “Look. If you’re sorry just get me lunch or something, Spice.” You smiled softly at the comment as you finally got to the dorm, making your way to your rooms to grab a change of clothing and then to your respective bathrooms to shower.

Bakugo grumbled over the whole ordeal before settling on the new nickname you’ve given him. Spice. What the fuck is that about, he couldn’t wrap his head around it but he learned quickly that he wouldn’t be able to stop you. You made that clear when you essentially wiped the floor with him, the thought of that made him yell out in frustration. “Stupid girl.” He hissed as he got dressed. 

You were waiting for him at the door in a fitted t-shirt and your gym shorts. Flitting through your phone aimlessly, he noticed your usual smile was gone. Replaced with something bored and almost listless, when you noticed him your lips curled at the edges into a soft smile. “Come on, Spice.” You waved for him as you opened the front door.

“Stop calling me that.” He snapped, frustrating that he could tell you wouldn’t.

You snorted with a loud ‘HA’, “Would you prefer Spicy Boy? Blasty? Bomb-dot-com? Oh! What about Limb Remover?”

Bakugo groaned trying to walk faster than you, “No!” He hissed at you, eliciting a hearty laugh from you.

“Spice it is.” You wink as you took lead almost skipping in front of him. He groaned loudly as you joined the rest of your class before gym was over. The two of you bickered back and forth for sometime and you could only laugh at his rising and dwindling frustration. Kirishima joined the conversation, fist bumping the only other person he could imagine withstanding an explosion from Bakugo. You could hear Izuku spiraling behind you and decided to turn a bit to answer his questions. “I’ve never successfully grown other people’s limbs or organs back but I can accelerate growth of, like, hair and finger nails.” You commented to one of his questions. “Though if you’re arm got like cut off cleanly I could potentially reattach it, I imagine it wouldn’t feel the same though.” You scratched at your damp hair that was now down from its bun to dry, your mouth was slanted not quite a frown but it was obvious to anyone that the gears in your head were spinning. 

Bakugo just stared at you with half lidded eyes as you spoke, part of him wanted to hiss at Deku to piss off with his nerdy ass research note book. However when you pulled the note book from Izuku’s hands and flitted through it with knitted brows and scold him for the condition of the note book it almost earned you a laugh. Almost. When you asked about the burns on the notebook he was hesitant to answer, “Accidents happen.” Was all he managed, you gave him a raised eyebrow but didn’t pester the topic. 

——

At lunch you had lost sight of Bakugo and didn’t think much of it, you were quickly wrangled by the girls of class 1-A as you paid for your meal, they pulled you to a table where you sat with Asui, Ochaco, Shoto, Izuku and Iida. You were quiet listening in on their conversations, providing a comment when needed as you quickly ate your food. You temporarily sated your stomach, knowing you should eat more before your quirk absorbed the contents of your stomach. You got up to put your tray away, running into Bakugo on the way back. “Hey, Spice. I lost you for a minute.” You snickered at him, he just grunted and rolled his eyes. Dragging you back to the lines to get lunch, or in this case a second helping. He didn’t say anything as you waited in line with him, he paid for your meal and made sure you received it before walking off. Waving a lazy hand back at you. “Prideful brat.” You snickered to yourself before rejoining your table.

“What’s all that?” Asui asked.

“Bakugo bought me lunch,” The table gaped at your comment. “As an apology for blowing up my arm.” You said pointedly, “Plus my quirk already started to absorb what I got earlier since I had to regrow a limb.” You half sighed half laughed at the comment. “I’m sorry I didn’t warn you guys.” You rubbed your neck, this was a tell for you. 

Shoto shrugged, you knew Izuku nerded out on what happened, “We’ve seen scary quirks, yours wasn’t as scary as the situation, kero.” Asui said, Ochaco nodded fervently in agreement. 

You sighed in relief and started eating gleefully. This hit the spot, you were grateful to Bakugo even though it was your idea.

——

At the end of the day you followed your class back to the dorms, making quick work to get into your comfy clothes. You wore a short (but not quite cropped) shitty band shirt and a pair of high waisted pajama shorts that were just long enough to keep yourself covered if you stretched. You sat at the bar with a book as you idly watched Momo file through the kitchen. She offered tea which you happily accepted, discussing each of your preferences. You were a big fan of spiced drinks, chai’s more often than not.

Iida made his way to you not too long after with a schedule in hand, it showed everyone’s chores and what days they do them and with whom. He had added you to the schedule, noting that you had been paired with Bakugo on a large handful of occasions. Iida mentioned that you were one of the few who made it clear that you could clearly handle him he decided to rearrange the schedule as such to relieve some stress from your other classmates. You laughed and agreed that it would probably be for the best. 

The evening droned on a bit before dinner, you offered to help Izuku and Ochaco in the kitchen since you gave everyone quite the scare earlier. They both happily agreed, you helped out and decided to make a side dish your mom always made at home when you had a bad day. It was simple and it always seemed to cleanse the palate. When you let it simmer you made quick work of pulling out plates to serve at the table, helping Ochaco and Izuku when something started going awry.

When dinner was served and everyone was seated you weren’t sure where to sit until Kirishima dragged you to sit with him, Mina, Denki, Bakugo and Sero. You laughed, figuring you sat with the others at lunch. “Fine, fine, I’ll sit just stop dragging me.” You sat in the middle of the table between Bakugo and Kirishima, who asked loads of questions about your fighting style. “Oh, it’s just Tai Chi.” 

“You mean that thing old people do at the crack of dawn?” Denki asked, that’s definitely not what he expected.

You snorted and rolled your eyes, “Yeah, Tai Chi is a form of defensive martial arts that can also be used for meditation.” You ate a bit before continuing. “When used offensively the base principal of it is redirection, our bodies are covered in pressure points that-“ You took a sip of water. “If hit hard enough can fuck up your opponents whole fighting position and quickly turn the tables.”

“You still never explained what you did to my arms.” Bakugo hissed, almost pouting as he ate.

You scoffed, “Yes I did! I told you on the way back to the dorm after you blew up my arm!” You laughed, “I can explain it again if it didn’t make sense, Spice.”

The other boys and Mina snorted at the new nickname, “Please explain,” Sero managed to laugh out. 

“Okay. So, the fighting style for that is called Dim Mak, which means ‘Touch of Death’. Essentially I hit all the right pressure points directly to disrupt his blow flow, disabling his arms and quelling his quirk. Well, until the end.” You rubbed your neck bashfully at your mistake. “With Tai Chi you only hit pressure points to redirect, not do damage to the nervous system.” 

The other four just laughed, Bakugo just grunted and rolled his eyes as he ate. When they moved to the side dish you made Denki and Sero almost inhaled it. “This is so good, what is it?” Denki asked, knowing you helped in the kitchen.

“Oh, I made that. It’s [Food Name], just comfort food my mom always made for me when I had a bad day. I gave everybody a good scare today so I figured it’s be nice to have.” You shrugged to him nonchalantly, not noticing Bakugo had also made quick work of the dish. 

“I’m gonna need seconds of this.” He snorted getting up. 

You didn’t say much else while you ate, eating was a reprieve for you. When you finished your dishes you let out a happy sigh. Finally satiated for the day, you leaned over to Bakugo as he finished eating. “You never gave me a chance to thank you for lunch.” You gave him a smile before getting up to clear the table of empty dishes to return to the kitchen. 

“Shut up.” He snapped, following your actions as you walked into the kitchen. You hummed at his response, figuring he was too prideful. 

“Well, thank you none the less, I would’ve been starved if it weren’t for you.” You snicker, Bakugo just crossed his arms and looked at the time. You heard Mina call for you and ask if you wanted to watch a movie before bed, “Of course!” You call back, “You gonna join us Spice?” Looking back at him with a tired smile. 

“No.” He retorted quickly before leaving the kitchen heading towards his dorm, hearing a faint ‘good night’ from you.

You join your new pink friend who loops her arm in yours pulling you to the living room where you sat almost snuggled between her, a pillow and Ochaco. You were cozy enough to fall asleep but every movement either of the girls made roused you. You remembered seeing this movie once, letting you answer a few questions anyone had without spoilers. “Damn,” You mumbled to yourself with a yawn, realizing how tired you actually were. You shook Mina, whispering that you were heading to bed before sliding over the back of the couch. You waved a lazy good night to the others who noticed and headed to your room. 

——

The next morning you woke to the sun rising and danced across your eye lids, getting a good pop filled stretch before crawling out of the warm comfort of your blankets. Your morning routine was simple, brush your teeth, sort out your hair, wash your face, down a glass of water, make tea, listen to music and practice your morning yoga and tai chi filled exercises. You decided to wear your gym shorts for stretching; not with a creep like Mineta in the house, you thought storing your pajamas. You walk to the patio out front, enjoying the brisk morning air before setting down your tea on the banister. You had your Bluetooth headphones in and placed your phone on the windowsill. You made basic stretches to loosen up before grabbing your ankles as you bent into a full uttanasana, you stretch up pulling your leg to a natarajasana but pulling your foot closer to the back of your head before switching legs. Continuing this for sometime before starting your Tai Chi, ‘fickle habits lead to fickle lives’ your mother mantra played in your mind frustratingly. 

Bakugo has always been the ‘first to bed - first to rise’ type of person. In the dorms this gave him more liberties in the morning, as he had a tendency to walk out of his room to the showers in boxers and maybe a t-shirt most mornings. The last thing he was expecting was to see the electric kettle steaming after it’s obvious use. His eyes darted around, listening keenly to the main lobby of the dorm. He didn’t hear anything inside but spotted a phone outside of the building on the windowsill. Bakugo’s sight narrowed in before realizing he was walking towards it to see who the fuck is outside at this hour, or if someone left it outside on accident. He stepped slowly seeing you stretching on the patio, he couldn’t hear anything but he noticed the device was lit up playing music. Holy shit she’s listening to aggressive rap, he thought spotting the song title. The playlist was labeled ‘✨ GOOD MORNING ✨’ he snorted at the idea of that being morning music, the song changed to some classic punk rock song he recognized. He decided to leave you be, he would never admit it but he absolutely took in the sight of you before shuffling to the bathroom to start his own morning routine. 

When you finished your morning routine you made haste to grab your uniform and run to the shower. When you got out you saw Bakugo in the kitchen preparing what you assumed was his breakfast. “Good morning, Spice.” You said sweetly.

You just hear a grunt from him when you sat down to dry your hair properly, “Morning.” You hear him quietly mutter, as he brought out a plate with his breakfast. “Dry your hair properly.” He hissed, you snorted and continued working the dampness from your hair. 

Once you were satisfied you finished buttoning your uniform top and tying the tie, you left for a moment to return your towel to its home and pull your hair into a bun. Clipping back your mostly dry bangs as you returned to the lobby, “Whatever you made smells great,” You made your way to the kitchen for a second cup of tea. “Want tea?” You asked in passing. He grumbled something but didn’t say no so you made him a glass anyway, letting them steep as you made your way to your room to grab your book bag. When you got back and the tea had settled you placed a glass in front of the seemingly agitated blonde. Making breakfast for yourself and joined him at the table. You ate and flitted through yesterday’s notes.

Bakugo watched you out of the corner of his eye, you were so casual as if you’d been here the whole time. Something about you frustrated him endlessly, he figured he’d be able to narrow it down later. He begrudgingly accepted the tea, it was spicier than he expected. He wondered if this was a jab at him with the shitty nickname you’d bestowed him with.

—

A couple weeks passed quickly as you adjusted to your life at UA, you spent your early mornings with Bakugo before the other lazily made their way to the lobby, class began, then gym, then lunch, more classes, back to the dorms for a mix of homework and playtime with dinner somewhere in the mix. 

One weekend you decided to sleep in, which was a mistake as Mina had invited herself into your room and tackled your sleeping form. Eliciting a great squeal from you and you both ended up on floor with a loud *THUD*. “You know. I’m gonna skip the ‘what is wrong with you’ and go straight for the why, Mina.” You groaned, groveling on the floor at her excited stupor.

“We’re going to the mall! Get up! Get dressed!” She was bouncing at you as you slumped upon the floor, calves still on your bed. “Come ooonnn (Y/N/N)!!”

You snorted at her, “Fine, give me 20 minutes.” With that she was gone as fast as she came, you stood and pulled out your casual clothes you now rarely got to wear. Throwing on a pair of high waisted skinny jeans, a fitted white crop top, a thin burnt amber cardigan that went down to your calves, topped with honey brown softly pointed ankle boots. You left your hair loose aside from pulling your bangs upright to clip them back, providing a small bumped look you could live with. You grabbed your small purse that slings across your shoulders only holding your phone and wallet and a pair of round darkly tinted sun glasses before meeting up with the Bakugang. Mina gaped at your outfit excitedly, all four boys on the other hand just stared. “Too much? It’s just casual wear.” You shrugged and offered a soft but awkward smile.

“Shut up, you look great!” Mina snorted, she wore a loose crop top that hung just above the belt line of her skinny jeans, “You have plenty of time to check (Y/N/N) today idiots, let’s go!” She looped her arm with yours and almost dragging you along.

You never cared to much for shopping, you had what you needed and what you liked but you enjoyed spending time with the Bakugang outside of UA. Mina asked you about what your makeup preferences were and you admitted that you knew little regarding the topic. The boys whined to eat, “I’m always game for food.” You snorted, you were being dragged around more than anything anyway. 

You all sat around a table in the mall talking about nonsense, eating your respective lunches. They quickly got used to just how much you ate, much to your relief. When lunch was over the six of you ended up in an arcade, you and Denki played a shooting game with the big plastic colorful guns. Denki grabbed the red plastic cabled hand gun leaving you with the bright orange cabled shot gun. You snorted when he thought he had the better gun. “HOW ARE YOU SO GOOD AT THIS?” He whined as he watched you take shot after shot.

“The keener the eye the better the hero, also my dad was big into hunting back in (H/L).” You chuckled, “Both of my parents are Quirkless so they reveled in what they could.” You quickly beat the game, re-holstering the plastic gun you collect your almost endless stream of tickets. “You can imagine I was a huge surprise for them.” Sero snorted and agreed at your last comment. 

You made an abysmal attempt to fold up your tickets when Kirishima pulled you into some game him and Bakugo were playing. You were sure the blonde would get you guys kicked out as he seemed to be intent on destroying the game itself. You laughed loudly at him yelling “DIE!!” And “I’LL KILL YOU!!” At the console. Mina pulled you to play skee-ball next to them, you made for a mediocre game as you couldn’t stop laughing at Bakugo’s video game rage.

You managed though, collecting more tickets and playing another round as Mina, Sero, Denki and you made a bet. The person with the lowest score would have to calm the blonde down. “Game on!” Denki puffed, you smirked cheekily as the challenge began. 

After about 5 minutes the four of you were neck in neck with high scores but you fell short of third place. You groaned, collecting your tickets. Mina and Denki wiggled their eyebrows at you and Sero just laughed at your dismay, “Fine!” You laughed, walking over the the blonde on the verge of explosion. “Hey, Spice?” You placed your gloved hand on his shoulder. He snapped at you, scowling at your disruption. “Help me pick out a prize with my tickets?” You didn’t wear your usual smile, your brows knitted, concerned about the potential problem if he blew up the game.

Bakugo could almost breathe fire at you in his rage, but the concerned look you gave him threw him off. He just tossed up his hands and almost growled before crossing his arms letting you usher him to the prize table with a relieved smile. Sero, Mina, Denki and Kirishima were floored; their jaws slack at the ease at which you had simmered him and removed him from the game he almost blew up. They all looked at each other with devious grins as they huddled together. 

At the prize table you had to put all your tickets into some machine that counted them out, “Thanks for agreeing to help me.” You smiled up at him as he unraveled the mess of tickets you had. He just grunted and huffed in response, he wasn’t a big talker outside of when he screamed about being the best or when he got mad. When he did talk you could tell he put thought into his words, even when he wasn’t talking to you. When all the tickets were counted out you were directed to the charm section of the prize table. “What do you think?” You pestered him.

He squatted down, eyeing most of the girly charms. He didn’t know what girls liked, he watched you look over the more boyish themed charms. “I don’t know,” He hissed, “What’s the point of this anyway.” 

“Making memories.” You smiled into the glass, spotting a charm that caught your eye. “Oh! Can I look at that one?” You asked the staff behind the counter, the pulled out a little bob-omb phone charm. You snickered at it, “How do we feel about this one?” You handed it to him, he just stared at it with knitted brows before scowling at you. “What??”

“It’s a bomb.” He said.

“So are you.” You snorted and rolled your eyes. “I think it’s cute.”

With a over dramatic “TCH.” He handed it back, “Well I guess that’s the one then.” He rolled his own eyes, “Why did you ask for my help if you didn’t need it?”

You handed you ticket stub to the staff and looped the charm onto your phone, “I didn’t know I wouldn’t need your help.” You pushed him back towards the group, “Come on, I think everyone is burnt out on games.”

Before leaving the arcade everyone found a one of those kawaii photo booths. Mina somehow managed to usher everyone in, her and the other three boys pushed you and Bakugo together, you took the standard photos, Kirishima managed to swindle the ‘Glamouroki’ face out of Bakugo for the final ‘funny face’ photo. You, Mina and Denki burst into tears of laughter at the scene, Sero wheezed into the side of the booth. The face was now encapsulated for all of time in the photo booth six sticker sheets. You slipped the photo behind your clear phone case, making sure not to stick it down. “God. We have to keep this forever.” Mina cried out.

“That was solid gold.” You wheezed out wiping your face, Bakugo shouted and hit Kirishimas hardened head when he figured out it was photographed. “Holy shit, that couldn’t have been more perfect.” You panted taking a deep breath.

“Let grab a few drinks before heading home.” Kirishima cried out from his own laughter, you all agreed. Heading to a vending machine on your way out.

——

The next day after finishing weekend homework the bakugang decided to have a movie night. You noticed that Mina and the boys had been pushing you and Bakugo together, not that you minded but you couldn’t pin point why so you shrugged off the thought. It had been decided that the four of them would prepare snack and drinks if you and Bakugo would pick a movie. “Soo- they’re clearly plotting something,” You joked at the blonde as you both dig through his movie collection. “Should we pick a movie they can’t handle as revenge?” This elicited a laugh out of him.

“I didn’t think ‘little miss sunshine and rainbows’ would come up with such a devious idea.” He snorted at you.

“Sunshine and Rainbows only appear after a dark storm.” You smirked while pointing at him. 

He laughed, you almost dropped the DVD you were looking at when you heard it. “Oh, this is gonna be great.” The two of you picked the most gruesome and twisted movie you could find in his collection. Putting it in his DVD player before the others returned. You and Bakugo were chuckling at each other, unwittingly it seemed to excite the other four. You and Bakugo sat on his bed as the rest sat choice-fully on the floor. Denki turned off the lights as Mina sorted out snacks so everyone could reach them and passed around drinks.

They movie started fine, easily pulling them in, you stifled laughter. Bakugo was much better at doing that, though he had a smirk plastered onto his face. You adjusted yourself to pulling your knees up to your chest comfortably, to an outside perspective your were preparing for the movie to get more twisted, from Bakugo’s perspective he just noted a smile that curled at your lips behind your hands that rested on your knees. He started to get irritated with how much attention he paid to you. The simple ways you shifted as the movie dragged on, the excitement that built up causing you to bite your bottom lip. He had the urge to smack you and telling you to stop biting your lip. He shook his head at the thought. Nope, nu-uh. These are not thoughts he was ready to have. He forced his attention from you and focused on the movie with knitted brows. 

You adjusted again, crossing your legs and grasping your ankles in anticipation. Part of you was totally enthralled in the movie, you love this stuff, the other part was excited for the wicked prank you and Bakugo had setup for your poor unwitting friends. The first scene that got to them came, enticing a loud set of screeches from the four on the floor and you had gasped at the scene jumping a little and then a chuckle at their responses. You looked back at Bakugo who was already looking at you and beamed, “Success.” You whispered at him, he smirked back and nodded before your attention was back on the screen.

By the time the movie was over you firmly believe you traumatized the four, “WHY WOULD YOU PUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT ON.” Mina whisper yelled.

You and Bakugo glanced at each other from where you sat on the bed and laughed softly, “I thought it was a good movie.” You retorted. 

“You guys are a bunch of babies, if you want to watch something soft you pick the movie.” Bakugo snorted waving a hand at the movie collection, it was movie night after all.

Denki looked a little brain fried as Mina and Kirishima darted to the movie collection to pick something to quell their pained minds. You laughed again, sliding off the bed as you looked at the time. “It’s getting late, we can afford one more movie but I’m gonna go change.”

You made your way out of Bakugo’s room to yours, you tossed your hair up in a messy bun and threw on a baggy shirt, a pair of shorts and a warm cardigan. Quickly making your way back to his room when you hear bickering. “Don’t you dare, that’s (Y/N/N)’s!” You hear Mina say. 

You poke your head in to see her wrangling your phone from Bakugo’s grip, trying to get the photo you slid into your case out. “Oh-ho.” You piped out, “I see, I can’t trust you with my belongings.” You snorted, knowing how he felt about the hilarious photo. You slid in quickly snatching your phone from them both before finding your barely warm spot still on the bed. 

Mina huffed in success and Bakugo just crossed his arms, “It’s just a stupid photo.” He grumbled.

“It’s my stupid photo, Spice.” You said, “And if you try to take it again I’ll print large poster versions of it and plaster it to every wall in the school.” You chided at him with an almost evil smirk.

He groaned and Mina turned the lights back off as the next movie played. You felt Bakugo’s knee tap yours, as if it was some silent confirmation of your words. Your smile softened a bit and you glanced at him from the corner of your eye. His scowl still ever present but softer than his usual. Kirishima yawned, causing everyone else to yawn. You cozied yourself in your sweater against the wall as you watched the movie with half lidded eyes. Your shoulders slouched a bit and you ended up leaning you arm into Bakugo, who just stiffened at the action. This kept you awake through the movie, not that you were paying it any attention to it.

Bakugo on the other hand was now wide awake due to your sudden touch into his arm, this is not how he expected things to go. Though your prank was an absolute success, he wasn’t prepared for the aftermath. He was irritated and confused at your current actions, you should be angry at him not leaning into him! Did he want you to be mad at him? He couldn’t think straight.

As soon as the movie ended he ushered everyone out, even you in your sleepy stupor. You and Mina just looped arms and made your way back to the girls side of the building, triple checking that you had your phone. 

You knocked out quickly when you got to your room, you had a great weekend. Bakugo didn’t have such luck, he just assumed you showed anger different ways and made a mental list of what to do about it before he had the luxury of sleep. 

——

The next morning you were back to your usual routine, however you found you weren’t the first one up. You watched the blonde cook in the kitchen before starting your routine, you got ready to exercise when you decided to disturb him. “Good morning, Spice. Food smells great, as usual.” 

You watch his frame stiffen, but grunt as usual, “Morning, (Y/N).” He groaned, maybe he slept on the wrong side of the bed? You thought, continuing your stare at him.

“I’m gonna work out, come grab me if you need anything, okay?” You offered but he just waved you off stiffly. You got to your work out, followed by a shower and drying your hair properly so you didn’t have to listen to Bakugo whine about it. Making your way back to the kitchen to make tea for the both of you. The blonde just stiffened at your presence in the kitchen so you made quick work of the tea, this morning was different though. Bakugo had made breakfast for you too, uh oh. You thought, something must’ve happened. “Are you alright?” You asked staring in surprise, “Not that I’m not elated to try your cooking but-“ You were cut off by him shaking his head and starting to eat.

You watched him for a minute before started to eat as well, holy shit. Was all you could think, “This is really good.” You said softly, smiling as you quickly ate. 

He still didn’t say anything, you wondered what snapped in him. You finished quickly and when he was done he collected your dishes. Finishing his cooking in the kitchen after the rice cooker pinged. You flitted through your papers making sure everything was in order  for the day when you hear a *thump* beside you. You looked over and it was a larger than average bento, wrapped neatly. You just cocked an eyebrow at it and looked at Bakugo, “Okay, I’ll bite. What’s wrong?” He’s clearly broken this morning. “Are you sick?” He scowled down at you, differently than you’ve seen before. He just let out a frustrated noise at your confused behavior. 

You watch him for a moment before anything happens, he just pushes out the chair beside you and sits crossing his arms scowling differently at you. “The last time you were weirdly quiet and gave me lunch as when you blew up my hand...” You lean your head back thinking before it clicks. “Oh my god, is this about the sticker??”

He just groans in frustration, “Obviously! Your probably furious with me!” He hissed, watching your form relax, no smile in sight just concern. “I don’t fucking know!” He threw his hands out. 

You put your hand to your face, a chuckle escaped you and turned to a hearty laugh, “Katsuki.” He flinched, that’s the first time you’ve said his name. “I’m not mad, that sticker is just a fucking sticker. I only wanted to keep it because it’s an original. Those photo booths have an option to email the photos, so I have a digital copy.” You pull out your phone and hand it to him. “If you don’t want me to have it to the point of this much guilt or frustration, take it. I won’t fight you, Spice.”

He stared at you in awe, now he just felt like a fucking idiot. His brain was addled with you over some stupid fucking sticker. What is going on with me?? You seemed to agree that he was losing his shit, not that you even knew it was about you. He pushed your phone back towards you and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Don’t worry about it.” Was all he said before he got up to clean, leaving you with both photo and bento. He doesn’t say anything to you for the rest of the morning as he disappears to finish getting ready for school. 

——

A few days passed and Kirishima brought up the provisional licensing exams that passed before you transferred in. “He probably would have passed if you were there (Y/N).” Kirishima says in passing. You had asked him how they did the testing in Japan.

You hummed at the comment before looking at the redhead, “I don’t think I could have made him be nice to people.” You shrugged a bit, he only failed because he’s abrasive. “He doesn’t yell at me because I’ve proven I can kick his ass.” The comment makes you both chuckle but Bakugo just shouts out in the distance, you both only laugh harder. 

That morning the class found out about the work study program, you weren’t here for the sports festival so your options were more limited. Ochaco wanted to introduce you to GunHead but he wasn’t taking work study students; Aizawa said Amajiki-Senpai would introduce you and Kirishima to Fatgum. The two of you fist bump at the offer knowing full well that your friend harassed the poor kid into it. No one could foresee the events that followed. 

You found yourself in a meeting discussing the take down of a Yukuza crime syndicate and the rescue of a small girl named Eri. The details of the situation she was in made your stomach churn. Over the next few days you found yourself hanging out with Kirishima, Ochaco, Asui and Izuku more. You all were brooding over the up coming event, your normal routine didn’t change much but the event pulled the 5 of you together. On movie night Denki decided to bring it up to you and Kirishima, you both just kind of looked at each other before making up some bullshit answer. “Honestly, the work study program is just a lot more than we expected. We were just brooding about it.” Was all you could manage, you rubbed the back of your neck uncomfortably. You hear Bakugo click his tongue at the blatant lie but you couldn’t defend yourself. It was getting harder to wear your usual smile while waiting for a message for the raid. 

—

The day of the raid was devastating, even though the raid itself went by a lot faster than you had expected. You rode in the ambulance with Sir Night Eye, keeping him stable until you arrived at the hospital. You can’t regrow other people’s missing organs but you did everything you could, you just sobbed for most of the time. You were lucky you didn’t receive any damages that would have you stuck in the hospital, you helped heal everyone’s wounds to get them out sooner but it was draining. A few hero’s who claimed to be in your debt brought food to you as you ran around the hospital. Forcing you to sit down and eat, you thanked them telling them they didn’t have to but they waved off the comment.

——

A few days later you were sitting, curled up in the corner and arm of a couch, in the common room in the middle of the night, you didn’t want to be stuffed in your room anymore. You felt like your tears dried out, you just sat staring at your phone screen when you heard foot steps from behind. You payed no mind to it as they walked into the kitchen, you’ve been staring at the same page on your phone trying to focus until the other person spoke, “It’s the middle of the night, go to bed dumbass.” You looked up to see Bakugo, he was right but something made tears bubble in the corners of your eyes, threatening to spill. 

Bakugo had just run down to get a bottle of water when he saw you sitting on the couch, you were just on your phone so he couldn’t understand why you weren’t doing that in your room. After he spoke up he turned to face you, he saw tears in your eyes as they slowly ran down your cheeks. He panicked he’d never admit that, he walked over and squat down in front of you. He didn’t say anything but he just stared up at you with his brows knitted. “S-sorry. Ah-I just, I d-don’t-“ You stuttered and rubbed your eyes furiously.

He clicked his tongue, “Shut up.” He hissed, he hears what ever you were going to say hitch in your throat and you try to stifle your tears. “That’s not- ugh.“ He cut himself off, comforting people wasn’t in the list of things he was good at. Bakugo gets up from were he was squatting and walks back into the kitchen. When he gets back he hands you water bottle and sits down next to you. “Drink.”

Your hands were shaking but you managed to open the bottle and take a sip, Bakugo finally got a glance at the mess behind your hands. Your (E/C) eyes were red and puffy, the skin around them was raw, your nose and cheeks were irritated from being rubbed at. His brows knit further watching you struggle to put the lid back on. He just snatched the lid and puts it back on for you, “T-thanks.” You sputtered at him, “Sorry, I’m a mess aren’t I?” You force our a small chuckle, he only clicks his tongue.

“Stop apologizing when you’ve done nothing wrong!” He whisper yells at you, you nod at him from behind your hands as they made their way back to your face. “Stop that!” He grabbed your wrists causing you to look at him, when he hoped you’d stop abusing your pretty face he let go of your wrists and grabbed your ankles. You almost yelped at the action as he just lifted them up and aggressively scooted closer, dropping your legs over his lap. “What the fuck is so wrong that’s got Little Miss Sunshine in tears?” He hissed at you. 

You almost gaped at him, who is this and what have they done with Bakugo?? As soon as you snapped back to reality you wrapped your arms around your thighs, tears still dripping out of your eyes. “I just, I feel like a failure.” You go on to explain the raid, how messed up Kirishima and Tamaki-senpai got and the loss of Sir Night Eye. “I should’ve been able to do more!” You whisper yelled through tears, “My quirk is molecular regeneration for fucks sake!” You dropped your head into your knees, sobbing quietly.

Bakugo had crossed his arms and listened as you explained everything. Kirishima was his best friend sure but even he knows there’s a limit to every quirk. “(Y/N).” You lifted your head to look at him. “You’re not a fucking miracle worker.” He adjusted in his seat, propping an arm up on the back of the couch and leaning his head into his fist, you felt him adjust which made you focus for the first time on his close proximity. You went to say something back but nothing came out, you dropped your chin onto your knees and let the tears stream thinking about what he said. You knew he was right, you used your quirk a ton before Kirishima and Sir Night Eye were even brought out, even the medic staff thanked you greatly for keeping Sir Night Eye stable the whole way to the hospital. “This is a part of working as a Hero.” He grumbled.

You stayed quiet for some time before responding, “I know.” You tilted to the side and leaned into the blonde, your tears slowing. Your head and knees leaned into his chest lightly, you could feel him stiffen at the action. You went to sit up properly when you felt him pull you back roughly, you let out a small ‘oof’ at the action. The whole situation bubbles up in your stomach, causing you to giggle through what’s left of your tears. “If you keep being nice to me I might have to call you Sweets instead of Spice.” You snorted out softly. 

You could feel him stifle a chuckle before clicking his tongue, “Shut up!” He growled, “Don’t even think about telling anyone I was soft with you once!”

You chuckle a bit and lift your head to look at him, wiping your face with your shirt. “You really think I’d share such a sappy moment about you? Nuh-uh, this is my memory.” You chuckle a bit and lean back into him, missing the blush that decorated his scowling face. The two of you stayed like that for awhile before he convinced you that you were tired and should go to bed, you groaned and yawned before you begrudgingly agreed. 

The next day Bakugo invited told you to go with him to see Kirishima, you agreed a bit reluctantly. He basically dragged you by the wrist the entire way there, you blushed over the action but didn’t argue. When you arrived Bakugo watched you in a bit of confusion as you were basically on a first name basis with the nurses, and older nurse had pulled you into a big hug that elicited a loud whine from you. They laughed and sent the two of you up to the room where Kirishima was. When you opened up the door you found the redhead was wide awake, he offered a bright smile that just made you cry again. Visible panic set in his face and Bakugo dragged you in by the hand to sit next to him, he explained the situation to his friend and the two let you sob. “I heard about everything you did.” Kirishima said, “I get where you’re coming from but you did a lot (Y/N/N). Like a lot-a lot.” He told Bakugo about what he heard from the nurses and Fatgum about your frenzy around the hospital with all the hero’s and officers who were at the raid.

“I’m sorry for getting upset.” You mumbled, “I just feel stupid. I know what I signed up for when I decided to go into the field of Heroism, but this was just a kick to the gut.” You rubbed your temples a bit, “Honestly, having my arm blown up was better than being this unprepared.” You sputtered, this earned a chuckle from the two. 

“Dumbass, I told you you’re not a miracle worker!” Bakugo spat and dropping his palm on the top of your head, ruffling your hair aggressively. “Now stop being upset!” He hissed, you and Kirishima laughed at his aggressive ‘kindness’. The three of you talked for awhile, you offered to heal your friend more but he declined saying he’d be out soon anyway. You pouted but understood.

When you left Bakugo was still dragging you by your hand, “Thanks.” You said softly, smiling a bit. “That made me feel better.” You squeezed his hand lightly when he grunted at you. Such a weirdo, you wondered what’s gotten into him lately. 

“Shut up.” He shouted, “It’s fucking weird seeing you upset.” 

“Is that your version of saying you like seeing me happy?” You sniggered, this only elicited his grip on your hand to tighten. Your chuckles were cut short and you blushed loudly at the situation, he likes seeing me happy? You internally questioned.

After the trip to the hospital you became way too aware of Bakugo’s presence, anytime you bumped into him or happened to be too close your ears burned with blush. You were finally feeling more like yourself and now you felt like a wrench was thrown into your mind. As far as you could tell Mina was (of course) the first to notice. She pulled you into Jiro’s room, causing you to yelp. “Spill it (Y/N/N)!” She put her hands on her hips while wearing a smug grin. Jiro and Ochaco just stared at you two confused.

“What.” You chocked out.

She wiggles her eyebrows, “You’re all blushy with Bakugo! That’s what!” You almost tackled her at the statement.

“DON’T SAY THAT.” You shouted, the other girls were quick to pick up the situation. Mina grabbed your wrists and the other girls started to poke at you, you squealed loudly from being tickled. 

All the yelling caused concern in the other dorm-mates who knocked on the door. Momo opened it up revealing herself, Toru and Iida. “(L/N) has a crush on someone! We’re trying to get her to confess the details!” Jiro tittered.

“DON’T LISTEN TO HER. SOMEONE HELP ME.” You cried out from being tickled, Momo ushered Iida to leave and the girls entered the room to poke at you. “NO!” You shouted while laughing. 

“Just tell us what happened!” Ochaco teased you finally agreed and huffed for air.

You collapsed on Jiro’s bed, “I was really upset the other night Bakugo basically said he likes seeing me happy and now I’m like- hyperaware of his presence and the things he’s done. I feel like I’m losing my mind!” You whined softly.

“What’s he done?” Momo asked, you sat up and explained what he did after the sticker incident. You absolutely showed them the sticker and told them that he’s the one who’s been making you lunches. Mina explained how you easily calmed him from almost destroying the arcade game, the other girls just gave you the knowing look. 

“Girl.” Mina facepalms, trying her hardest not to laugh. “How are you both are so fucking dense?”

You throw your hands up defensively, “I don’t know!” You yell out when there’s another knock at the door.

Jiro gets up to open it, and speak of the devil. “Boy Wonders here.” This elicits an unintelligible shout from you. 

“Wha- AGH. Can you stop making her yell.” Bakugo glowered at your friend. 

“I don’t think that’s on me, it’s just.��� Girl talk.” She retorts with a snicker. He hears you groan in the background and sees a pillow thrown, your face is undeniably blushing. 

He puts his hand on the door and leans in over the girl. “(Y/N), stop yelling.” He says sternly, your face drops into the bed as you wave him off. The girls are laughing at the interaction but he just scowls at them and walks off. 

“Can someone just bury me already, I’m dying.” You hissed from the bed. 

“So, he obviously likes you.” Jiro says walking back.

“Ohmygod. No he doesn’t!” You blurted.

“If he didn’t like you he would’ve told us all to ‘shut the fuck up’ or ‘keep it down’. He made that about you.” Mina jeered at you.

“Bakugo only feels anger!” You laughed, you knew that was a lie but he’d kill you if you said otherwise.

“Maybe he just feels less angry with you?” Ochaco snorted. 

“I’ve never seen him be that considerate to anyone, let alone be as nice as you’ve mentioned.” Momo said.

“You’re in denial because you just noticed your feelings for him.” Toru snickered. 

Mina laughed and grinned deviously, “If you’re so sure why don’t you ask him?” 

“Wh-what? N-NO! I can’t do that!” You stammered, sitting up quickly. “If he liked me he would’ve said something by now! Can any of you imagine him just letting something he wants get away from him?” The girls looked between each other, you were right.

“OH.” Toru piped. “What if we convince him your interested in someone else? If he likes you he’ll do something about it right?” You could hear the implications in her voice. 

You frowned deeply, teetering your head back. “That’s... Fair? I guess, but what if he like, tries to interrogate you guys?” You question, the girls smile and usher you out to make a plan.

Over the next several days the girls in passing talk about you and your crush, making sure it comes up in conversation near you and Bakugo. You always blush whenever they do, making sure you get a good jab or pinch in every time. 

Bakugo is getting increasingly frustrated, you guys hang out all the time. What was this stupid crush about? Why was he angry about it? Why did he want to confront you over it? This frustration has him blowing up over everything. He’s managed to break pens, pencils, cups, plates, a book, and a few other miscellaneous objects. Denki and Sero try to get you to calm him down but you said he hasn’t talked to you or made the problem apparent so there’s nothing you can do. 

“I think this is about your crush.” Denki mentions, which for you was the final straw you snapped, you were so tired of this crush nonsense. 

“Denki.” You smile at him your gaze was dark in frustration, he looks over at you. “If I have to hear anything else about that topic I will flip your skin inside out, rub salt on it and throw vinegar at you.” You smile widens evilly. “Got it?” He just nodded furiously and runs off. 

You drop your head on the counter where you sat at the kitchen bar, groaning loudly. You feel an aggressive tapping on your shoulder seconds later. You snap in their direction with a scowl, it’s Bakugo. Your expression softens when you’re met by an equal glare, “Come with me. Now.” He commanded, you follow him reluctantly. You weren’t paying much mind but you slowly realized you were heading to the boys dorms, more specifically his room.

You’ve been in there dozens of times, why are you so nervous now? You let out a sigh, trying to calm yourself as you made your way into the room. You sat on the edge of his bed, like you had many times before. “What can I do for you, Spice?” You ask, smiling at his glare. 

He started pacing back and forth, he isn’t quite sure why he brought you here. He’s just mad and it has something to do with you. “What is this whole crush nonsense about?”

You froze a bit, “I have a crush on someone and the girls weaseled information out of me.” You rubbed the back of your neck, the statement was pointed, it wasn’t a complete lie. 

He just stared at you in disbelief, all your actions proved you were telling the truth. “Who?” He hissed, less asking and more demanding. You looked down at your feet, you didn’t say anything. “Is it Kirishima?” He snapped, I mean it would make sense with how broken up you were with his injuries. You stared at him, squinting your eyes a bit. Giving him the ‘are you serious?’ expression. “Tell me it’s not Denki? Dudes a fucking idiot.”

You laughed out at this comment, “No, dumbass. I’m not that desperate.” You roll your eyes, you watch the gears turn in his head furiously. It’s not clicking. “For fucks sake, Spice. You really can’t figure it out?”

He scowls at you, you just groan and jump from your seat. You walk up, get in his face and grab him by his shirt collar. You pull his face into your for a kiss. It takes a few seconds for him to grab you by your waist and pull you up, kissing deeper. He bit at you lip as if asking to enter your mouth, you comply easily while you wrap you arms around his neck. Your fingers find his hair when you both pull away for air. “You could’ve just said something, dumbass.”

“Oh, I am not the only dumbass here, Sweets.” You snickered at him. A frustrated blush tints his cheeks at the new nickname. 

“Don’t call me that.” He snaps pulling you in aggressively for another kiss.

You tug at his hair a bit at the kiss, “Only when we’re alone.” You retort between kisses. “God, I don’t know if I should kill the girls or thank them.” You pant out, he sends you a questioning look. You chuckle a bit, “The whole crush nonsense was their tactic to force us to admit we had feelings for each other.” Bakugo’s face burned with frustration but he found that he was far less frustrated after the aggressive make out session. Your phone pinged with a text from Mina.

Mina:

Are you making out or killing each other? Hurry up it’s movie night!

Received 5:59PM 

(Y/N):

Yes

Sent 6:00PM (seen)

(Y/N):

You hurry up we’re already here

Sent 6:00PM (seen)

You removed yourself from his grasp and grabbed his hand. “Come on, let’s pick a movie and pretend fight so they’ll shut up.” He just rolled his eyes and smirked. Not too long after the rest of the Bakusquad (minus Kirishima) made their way to his room, followed by a few of the other curious girls. “You’re so fucking weird why would buy that??”

“It’s a classic! Dumbass, why don’t you have good taste in movies?” He hissed. 

“Ooh, excuse me for having my own opinion!” You snapped, it was so hard not to laugh.

“What have we done..” Mina groans.

You both look at the door, “Shut up!” You both hissed in unison, snapping back to face each other.

“Don’t copy me!” You yelled.

“You’re one to talk!” He snorted. 

Mina ushered the girls off while her and Sero broke up the fight, little do they know it’s totally fake. Mina picks a LOTR movie at random. “Just sit down and let’s enjoy a movie!” She snapped. You both fake hissed at each other as you sat in your normal spots on his bed, a bit closer than normal. 

While the others got caught up in the movie you silently laughed to get it out of your system, Bakugo snorted quietly at the whole situation. 

At some point during the movie when you adjusted your sitting to stretch your legs Bakugo decided to lay across your lap. Not like a normal person would with their head in you lap, but on his side. The side of his abdomen pressed down your thighs as he propped him head up on his hand. Elbow pressed into the mattress, he snicker as you readjusted. You didn’t mind as much as he thought you did, you were focused on the movie. You had absentmindedly started to comb your fingers through his hair, causing him to get tired. The movie was about 4 hours long, which ran into the time you and the blonde typically went to sleep. Bakugo had already fallen asleep across your lap, you had crossed your arms and started dozing off. 

When the movie was over, Mina, Denki and Sero got up to go get ready for bed. When they turned on the light they all stared at the sight before them, you were sat dozed off peacefully against the wall. Your arms crossed head still slightly upright, one leg out and one leg bent with the foot on the opposing knee. While Bakugo was laying on his chest in your lap with one arm under and wrapped around your bent leg with his face buried into your thigh like it was a pillow. Mina was quick to silence her phone and snap a dozen photos, “Should we wake them?” Sero whispers.

Denki shook his head, “You really want to wake the two scariest people we know?” The other two agree and quickly escape the room and turn the light back off.

——

Bakugo woke up in the middle of the night, he was warm and cold in all the wrong places. He rubbed his face into what he quickly realized wasn’t a pillow and shot upright. There you were, totally asleep. Same position as the Bakusquad had left you in, with the softest snores escaping you. He just stared at you in shock before he reaches over for his phone. It’s 2 am, he debates whether to wake you or not. He decided to just scoop you up and lay you down on his bed, there’s no getting out of this one. He gets up to change into his sleepwear and climb back into bed, you were already in comfortable clothing (shorts and a baggy t-shirt). He pulls the covers over you and lays facing the wall with his back to you under the covers. 

The sun flickered against your eyelids and woke you as usual in the morning, but something was different this morning. You felt a warm and heavy weight holding you down, when you opened you eyes you realized what’s wrong. You were still in Bakugo’s room, you felt him adjust in his sleep which forced you to assess the situation. He was big spooning you, in his bed, one arm under your neck and the other arm wrapped around your waist, hand under your shirt tucked beside your bare ribs, lightly snoring into your neck where his face was nuzzled. Holy shit, was all your brain could process. 

You decided to sneakily grab your phone, double check it was on silent mode and snap a few pictures. You now have dirt on him forever. You attempt to pry yourself from his sleeping grip but the second you manage to sit up right his sleeping form curls around your waist. As cute as this is you wanted to go change and get ready for the day, “Hey, Sweets?” You whine at him, he adjusts in his spot. “Bakugo.” You press further, he grumbled but nothing further. You think for a moment and lean down a bit, “Katsuki.” You say in the most seductive voice you can manage, this quickly pries his eyes open. It takes him a solid 30 seconds to realize the position he’s in, how the fuck did this happen?? He doesn’t quite move as he feels his face heat up. “Good morning. Please free me so I can get ready, I’ve been trying to get you up for like 5 minutes.” You yawned out to him, stretching a bit. When he finally let go he just lazily dropped his face in his pillow that now smelt like you, groaning softly.

You looked back at his figure, frustrated noises escaping him as his neck turned red. You just laughed softly before making your way to get your day started. 

Bakugo came down with a few other, later than usual when Mina finally tackled you in the lounge. “You’ll never believe what I got a picture of last night!” She snickered.

You laughed softly, “Oh I have an idea, considering what I got a picture of this morning.” You both laughed at this, “You’re such an ass, why didn’t you wake me up?” 

Mina just shows her pictures triumphantly in response, you ask her to send them to you when you show her the pictures you got this morning. Her jaw looked like it was about to fall off when Bakugo sped over to see. “DELETE THAT.” 

“Absolutely not.” You locked your phone and hid it away. “You’re so cute when your asleep, so peaceful.” You gushed, Mina was actively losing her marbles at the interaction. “Get over it Spice, you can delete them if you beat me in a fight.” You winked at him, the whole speech burned a blush into his face as he stomped off shouting. “He’s so cute when he’s embarrassed.” You snickered to Mina as you both stood up. 

“SHUT UP!” He bellowed out from the kitchen, causing you to laugh harder. 

[gatesofember]

The Squire’s Favor

Rating: G | Pairing: Solangelo | Read it on AO3 or continue below

Summary: Nico, a young squire in Olympus, has been best friends with Will since he was eight years old and Hades sent him away to train to be a knight. Over time, his feelings for Will have grown beyond friendly admiration. He hopes that his performance at the squire’s tourney will finally impress his friend—perhaps even enough for Will to want to court him.

...or maybe Will has felt the same way all along.

For Solangelo Week Day 4: Free Day  ( @solangeloweek ​)

As a general rule, Nico did not enjoy going to the physician. He did not like being prodded with strange medical instruments, smeared with rancid salves, or force-fed foul concoctions that would supposedly make him feel better.

But Nico dreaded it a little bit less nowadays. His best friend, Will, had wanted to be a healer ever since his mother died of fever when they were children. After Lord Apollo approved Will’s request to study under Chiron a few years ago, going to the physician had started to become almost pleasant.

Almost. Nico still held off going to the healing tent until it became obvious that he’d be at a disadvantage in the tourney’s melee if he didn’t get the cut on his arm tended to.

To Nico’s surprise, he found Will waiting for him outside the tent. His arms sat crossed over an undyed tabard and the leather strap of his medicine bag, but his doublet was awfully brightly colored for someone tending to the wounded. Will didn’t usually risk ruining his clothes like that. Nico noticed a spot of brown blood on the hem of his sleeve and smirked as he imagined the fit Will must’ve had when he saw it.

“Don’t give me that look,” Will snapped, but his tone didn’t have much real bite. “I was beginning to wonder if I’d have to drag you back here myself. What took you so long?”

Nico blinked, bewildered by Will’s temper. “What?”

“You certainly took your time coming here for treatment,” Will said, pulling back the flap of the tent and gesturing Nico inside.

Nico didn’t move. “How did you know I was hurt?”

Will suddenly averted his eyes like he was embarrassed. “Heard from some of the other squires ‘s all,” he mumbled. “It’s not like I was...you know....”

Nico tried and failed to fight back his smile. “Will,” he said, “were you watching the tourney?”

Will sniffed. “Of course not. You know I hate those things—men running around swatting each other with sticks and swords for no good reason.”

Nico beamed. “You did watch, didn’t you?” he asked. He hadn’t thought that Will would get the chance, but he’d hoped anyway. Maybe once he saw Nico competing in a tourney, Will would suddenly realize how dashing his best friend had grown to become and he’d sweep Nico off his feet—

Except, of course, Will had seen him unseated in a joust. Nico wasn’t going to impress anyone by falling off his saddle.

“I’m usually much better than that, you know,” Nico said. “It’s just that horses don’t like me.”

Will’s expression softened. “I think you did wonderfully,” he said. “Now are you going to make me keep holding the flap open or are you going to get inside and let me look at that arm?”

Nico happily acquiesced. Once inside, Will had Nico sit on an empty cot before he helped remove Nico’s gauntlet and arm braces, tutting when he saw the blood-stained rip in Nico’s sleeve.

“I still think you’re too young to be participating in these tourneys,” Will said as he dipped a cloth in a bucket of water. “At least there aren’t any knights competing in the squire’s events.”

Nico bristled like an angry cat. “I’m no younger than you!”

“I’m not the one running around with a sword,” said Will. He wrung out the excess water before returning to sit beside Nico. “But I really do think that you did well—I was just scared when I saw you fall and sometimes I worry because the other squires are so much older than us. It wasn’t long ago that you were only a page.”

Nico sighed. When he became a squire last year, he’d hoped that Will would see how brave and handsome he’d become in the six years since Hades had sent him off to become a page in Olympus. But no; Will still looked at him the same way he always had.

“I’m fifteen now; not all of them are older than us,” Nico grumbled, but his argument was cut short when he hissed as Will pressed the cloth to his wound.

“Does it hurt?” Will asked.

“Just stings,” Nico answered. “It’s not deep.”

Will nodded. “Good,” he said. “Much better than last year, anyway.”

“That was as much Percy’s fault as it was mine!” Nico protested. “He wouldn’t have broken my arm if he’d tilted properly.”

“Yes, you’ve told me,” Will said as he wiped Nico’s skin clean of blood. “I was furious with Percy until I found out how guilty he felt about it.” Satisfied with the cleanliness, Will held Nico’s arm up to examine the wound more closely. It was still bleeding steadily, but Will didn’t seem concerned. “This isn’t the worst I’ve seen today. Connor was a mess after facing Sherman.”

Nico grimaced. “Sherman got quite the lecture on knightly decorum for that.”

“Good,” muttered Will. He released Nico’s arm and stood back up to fetch the salve and some bandages. “Honestly, I was glad to see you unseat him.”

Nico sat up straighter. “You watched that round?”

“I wasn’t going to sit here when I heard you’d be facing Sherman after seeing the damage he’d done to Connor,” said Will. “Obviously I didn't need to worry. You got him at the first pass.”

Nico beamed proudly, glad that Will had witnessed more than his embarrassing defeat by Jason’s lance.

“Weren’t you scared?” Will asked as he rejoined Nico.

“Not really,” Nico replied. “Sherman doesn’t have good balance.”

Will shook his head with a smile. “You aren’t afraid of anything, are you?”

Nico blushed. He was scared of a lot of things—most notably, confessing his feelings to Will, being rejected, and sullying their friendship forever. That was terrifying, even if Will did sometimes look at Nico in ways that made him hope....

“I’m not scared of a friendly duel,” Nico said instead. “Especially not when I know you’ll take care of me if I get hurt.”

Will dipped his fingers in the jar of salve and didn’t look up. “Of course I will,” he said. To Nico’s surprise, he noticed that Will had gone red.

Nico forced himself not to jump at the first touch of Will’s fingers, gently rubbing the salve over his wound and leaving a cool, tingling sensation in their wake.

This was why Nico didn’t mind visits to the physicians so much anymore. He loved the tender touch of Will’s soft, healing hands. He loved the excuse to sit close to Will—close enough to make out each individual golden eyelash and to see light, faded freckles that he didn’t notice from farther away. He loved the serious, focused look in Will’s eyes and the careful attention that Will always paid his injuries. When Will showed him such tenderness, Nico felt safe and warm and for a wonderful moment, he could almost believe that his feelings for Will weren’t one-sided.

Will glanced up. Nico wasn’t fast enough to pretend he hadn’t been staring, but Will didn’t say anything. He just blushed and silently reached for the bandages.

Sometimes, Nico thought that being with Will was more dangerous than any joust or melee. When Will looked at Nico like that, with his cheeks pinking shyly and his pretty eyes watching Nico like he was the most important person in the room, Nico couldn’t help the hope that maybe there was a romance blossoming between them. Maybe Will did feel the same way.

But Will finished the bandages like he always did, rinsed his hands clean of blood and salve, and cleared his throat. “That’s enough for now,” he said. “You should be fine for the melee. I’ll change your bandages in a few days.”

Nico tried to repress his disappointment. He didn’t know what he’d been hoping for—that Will would suddenly confess to him? That Will would kiss him right there in the middle of the tent?

That last ridiculous thought made Nico blush so hard that he felt dizzy.

Regardless, that fantasy wasn’t going to happen. But it was alright. Nico was happy enough being Will’s friend.

“Thank you,” he said, gathering his discarded braces and gauntlet.

“Do you need help putting that back on?” Will asked.

Nico shook his head. “No, that’s alright. I have to change my armor anyway.”

When Will nodded, Nico thought he imagined just a bit of disappointment in his eyes. “Be careful,” Will said. “Come right back if you get hurt.”

“I will,” said Nico. “Will you watch the melee?”

Will averted his eyes again. “As long as there aren’t any emergencies that Chiron needs my help with, I’ll go. I promise.”

Nico beamed. Will would watch. He always kept his promises. Before he thought better of it, Nico reached out and touched Will’s arm. “Thank you,” he said again, and left.

Nico had only gotten two steps out of the tent when the flap opened behind him and he heard Will say, “Nico, wait.”

Nico stopped and turned to see Will rummaging through the bag hanging at his side.

“I thought you might take this,” Will said, pulling out a white handkerchief embroidered with a golden lyre.

Nico’s breath caught. He knew what it meant when a lady gave a token like this. Annabeth had given Percy favors like ribbons and handkerchiefs before, and Percy, in peculiar fashion, had gifted some to Annabeth, as well. Bestowing favors was something ladies did only when they had a romantic interest in a man—or, in the case of Percy and Annabeth, when a man had a romantic interest in a lady. Although Nico had never heard of one man giving such a token to another, the implication was clear.

But this handkerchief, if possible, meant more than that. Nico recognized the embroidered lyre immediately.

“That’s your mother’s,” Nico said, and Will nodded. Naomi had been a favorite minstrel of Lord Apollo before her death and she’d embroidered her instrument of choice as often as she could; many of Will’s clothes had had lyres embroidered on them when they were young. Although Nico, who had also lost his mother, had tried his best to comfort him, Will had been so distraught when Naomi died. Will treasured everything that she had left him, so if he was willing to give this handkerchief to Nico....

Nico set his braces and gauntlet down on the ground and stepped forward, slowly reaching out to cover Will’s hands with his own. “Are you sure?”

Will nodded again. “I want you to,” he said. “Actually, I meant to give it to you this morning before the joust, but...I didn’t get the chance.”

Nico remembered Will coming to his tent that morning while Nico was preparing with Percy and Jason. Will had wished him luck and left abruptly. Nico had thought Will’s behavior seemed odd, but he’d brushed his concerns aside before the joust. Had Will been nervous? And if Will had intended to give the handkerchief to Nico before the joust, then maybe Nico hadn’t needed to try so hard to impress him. Maybe Will had already liked Nico the same way Nico liked Will.

Will cleared his throat. “But I expect you to bring this back to me in perfect condition. Not a single tear or drop of blood. So you’ll have to be careful.”

Nico nodded. “I’ll take care of it.”

He felt Will’s fingers tense under his hands, then Will suddenly lifted the handkerchief to his lips and kissed the fabric. Nico’s fingers brushed against Will’s face, feeling the warmth of his skin for just a second before Will pushed the handkerchief against Nico’s chest.

“For luck,” he said, his face going dark red as he pulled away. Nico doubted that he looked much better. “I’d like you to wear it under your arm braces. If you want, of course.”

Nico’s fingers curled into the fabric as he fought to stop himself from going into a daze or swooning on the spot. He blinked three times to wake himself up, then held out his bandaged arm. “Help me tie it?”

Will nodded and took the handkerchief back, folding it in half before wrapping it around Nico’s forearm and knotting it beneath his wound. Nico felt Will’s touch burning him through his sleeve and bandages.

“Be safe,” Will said when he finished, stepping away and putting his hands behind his back.

Nico’s tongue felt too heavy and his mouth felt too dry to respond, so he just nodded, picked up his braces and gauntlets, and hurried back to his tent. He could hardly feel the ground under his feet.

*   *   *

Nico didn’t win the melee, but he hadn’t expected to; the victory usually went to the older squires who had trained longer than Nico—Percy or Jason in particular. This tourney had been Percy’s win, but Nico suspected that Jason allowed Percy to beat him. Everyone had known that the victor’s reward would be a kiss from the Lady Annabeth and the honor of escorting her to the feast.

After Percy happily accepted his prize, Nico had congratulated him and returned to the castle to clean and change for the night’s celebration. He’d been sitting with the other squires throughout the feast, occasionally glancing up the table to where Will sat beside his father (and, Nico noted, where Percy and Annabeth sat next to a grumpy-looking Lady Athena). A few times, Nico caught Will looking back at him, and once or twice, Will glanced up and caught Nico doing the same. Every time their eyes met, Will smiled and offered a shy little wave. That much alone made Nico feel like melting on the spot. He had to stop himself from causing a scene by getting up in the middle of the feast either to run away from his nerves or to sweep Will off his feet—he wasn’t sure which was more likely. Nico had a gift for Will tucked in one sleeve, burning against his skin, and Naomi’s handkerchief tucked in the other. Will had made the first gesture. Nico would reciprocate it properly.

Later, when the feast ended and the dancing began, Will caught Nico’s eye again and smiled, whispered something to his father, and then looked back at Nico and tilted his head towards the door as an indication to follow as he left. Nico made his excuses to the other squires and went after him.

He caught sight of Will in the corridor, descending the palace’s stairs, and then found him outside in a secluded corner near the physician’s tower. It was dark, but dimly lit by the torches along the castle and the brightness of the night’s half moon.

“You shouldn’t wander into dark corners by yourself,” Nico chided, but his breath caught when Will turned around. He had to remind himself not to get swept away in the firelight’s reflection in Will’s eyes. Looking at Will’s eyes for too long was always dangerous.

“I’m not afraid,” Will said. “Not when I have a certain noble squire watching over me.”

Nico blushed. “I-I kept it safe for you,” he blurted out.

Will tilted his head to the side. “What?”

“Your handkerchief,” Nico said, looking away from Will’s dangerously blue eyes to pull Naomi’s handkerchief from his sleeve. “No rips or blood. It did get a bit wrinkled and sweaty under my braces, but that can be cleaned easily. Oh, I...I should have washed it before returning it to you. I can—”

Will stepped forward and Nico stuttered to a halt. “Thank you for keeping it safe,” Will said. “I knew you would.”

Nico swallowed and stopped fiddling with the handkerchief. When he offered it to Will, Will accepted, his fingers brushing over Nico’s as he did.

“Did you watch the melee?” Nico asked.

“Of course I did,” Will answered.

“Good,” Nico said. “I mean, you didn’t have to, but I’m glad you did.”

“I know. That’s why I went. It’s important to you.”

Nico hoped that the heat on his face wasn’t obvious.

“I thought you were impressive,” Will added.

Nico huffed to hide how pleased the compliment made him. “Hardly. I didn’t win. Many of the others are far more impressive than I am.”

Will cast his glance downward. “I wouldn’t know.”

Nico rolled his eyes, aiming for playful rather than truly bothered and hoping that Will understood. “Right, you know nothing about swordsmanship and melees or anything to do with ‘men running around hitting each other for no good reason,’” he teased.

The corner of Will’s mouth twitched in amusement.   “That wasn’t what I meant, actually,” said Will. “I wouldn’t know how impressive anyone else was because you were the only one I was paying attention to.”

Nico’s mouth felt dry. He swallowed. “The only...?”

Will raised his shoulders like he’d said nothing of consequence, but it was clear from the way he avoided looking directly at Nico’s eyes that he felt nervous. “Why would I want to watch anyone else?”

Nico’s mind went blank and for a second, he thought he had quite literally swooned. “I...” he started, then he cleared his throat, remembered the gift still in his sleeve, and steeled his resolve. “I have something for you,” he said, and pulled the second handkerchief from his sleeve. It had more embroidery than Naomi’s, with vines connecting asphodel flowers around the perimeter and an elegant M in the center.

Nico wasn’t brave enough to look, but he heard a soft intake of breath from Will’s lips.

“That was Lady Maria’s, wasn’t it?” Will asked.

Nico nodded.

“Why are you giving it to me?”

Nico tried for a shrug, but doubted he seemed as nonchalant as he would have liked. “I just want you to have it,” he said.

There was a single beat of terrifying silence before Will said, “Then perhaps you should hold onto this one a little longer,” and offered Nico Naomi’s handkerchief again.

“Thank you,” Nico stammered as he accepted Naomi’s handkerchief. He noticed Will was standing closer than usual. When had that happened? They were only ever this close when Will helped Nico tend to his wounds. But this time it was because....

Nico felt dizzy in the most thrilling way possible. Will was wooing him. Nico was wooing back. He was going to court his best friend and Will wanted it as much as he did.

“Do-do you want to go back in?” Nico asked. “We could join the dances.”

Will loved dancing. Nico loved the way Will smiled when he danced.

To his surprise, Will shook his head. “We can if you’d like. But I thought that we could stay out here a little while longer. Just us.”

“Oh,” Nico whispered. He curled his fingers in Naomi’s handkerchief and held it to his chest. “Yes,” he said. “I’d like that very much.”

[3shag]

August 1

This month, I am hoping to learn on how to focus on myself. I badly need to focus on my review for the upcoming board exam. Also, I’m hoping that this month would be a healing month and a fresh start for myself since I’d been really busy focusing on my family this past few months.

I pray for knowledge and wisdom.

I pray that I’ll be able to discipline myself not to easily be distracted.

I pray for a productive day everyday.

At the end of this month, It’s a new me. All these things are for my better future. So help me God 🙏🏻

August 2

Actually, I don’t know. The month of July was filled with pain. Still, looking at the positive side of this month was that I’m thankful that I’d finally received my two diplomas.

August 3

What love taught me so far was to be brave enough to let go someone you really love and just continue life. It’s been 6 months since we’d broke up, less than month since my grandma, and our dog left. I can say that I’m not that fully recovered yet because I still recall all the heartbreaking days happened. But, I can also say that I’m fine and fearless enough to go on with life.

August 4

My favorite non-work activity I did this past month was to try workout in the morning, read a fictional book in Wattpad, and chill with family like netflix and drinking beer with them.

August 5

I’d read a fictional story from Wattpad entitled “Chasing in the Wilds”. It’s a love story of a CEO and a civil engineer. This story really inspired me to work hard in achieving my goals. How I needed to focus on my review, work for my family and future, and I know someday I’ll find my living fictional character that every girl would dreamed of.

August 6

I feel normal again. Not so sad, not so happy. Just the neutral feeling. I guess the best feeling I had these past few days was to feel motivated on the things I wanted to do or achieved. I feel so bad when I got nothing to do. It’s like everyday should be an improvement day. I guess, I’m already tired of doing nonsense. Maybe, Its time to focus more on myself.

August 7

Actually, I did nothing on this day since I am having a body pain. But, one thing that brought me a sense of joy was that I have this body pain because I really miss playing badminton and that made me happy that I played again despite of this pandemic.

August 8

The best memories I had when I was a child was that I am able to play outside the house with my childhood buddies. No gadgets, just the usual traditional 90’s games.

August 9

The biggest lesson I’ve learned so far from this week is that time is unstoppable, so, why waste time to nothing. Everyday should be a learning process day. Trying to have productive day and rest if I have to.

August 10

I can be present to someone if I am to hear or listen to all their rants/problems in life. I may not be present physically, but virtually I am trying my best to make them feel better.

August 11

I really don’t know actually. But, I think the plot twist happen in my life right now maybe the days I felt so broke. So lately, I am trying to be resourceful on the things that aren’t not going to be used but has value, so, I tried to sell it online. It’s just a temporary income, so, I probably need to save too and discipline myself. But I’m glad I am not that so broke anymore.

August 12

My past self was too busy on school. Less time on my family and close friends. I can tell now that I’m proud of myself because all those sacrifices I did before when I was on college we’re all worth it.

August 13

The grace I am receiving lately I think my extra income in shopee. At least this time I can now save money for my basic needs and be wise on spending for my wants.

August 14

That everything happening right now is just at the right time.

August 15

Lately, me and my sister have planned to have this “beaded accessories” business. So yeah, I enjoyed doing it and makes me forget my worries temporarily.

August 16

Calming and Relaxing. It made me feel like I’m not worrying anything.

August 17

I pushed myself so much today. I haven’t applied to rest for a while. Maybe because I didn’t prioritize all my task this day so I clutched up everything.

August 18

The moment that they pressured me on my review. I am already pressured by myself and the moment they pushes me even more, it’s totally suffocating. The only courageous words that I am holding onto is that everything happening in my life are just at the perfect time. Mistakes and delays are meant to happen. All these problems are preparing me for something good.

August 19

I am still breathing

I have complete and happy family

We are healthy

We have food to eat

Few close friends but the realest ones

Blessed to buy wants and needs

I graduated college

My family / relatives / friends are safe

Comfortable bed to sleep and rest on

God is always with me

August 20

In today’s situation, all the public servants, front-liners especially from hospitals, volunteers, food drivers or any public transportation drivers, and others who continues their businesses just to serve the needs of others. They are the ones who’s helping and sacrificing theirselves to our community. What I have learned from them was to take good care of ourselves and showing our kindness to them because seeing them tired was really heartbreaking.

August 21

When I didn’t hesitate to ask and comfort my auntie (Ate Lita). The moment I saw her crying while fixing her things, I felt how lonely she was in her life. Everything we’re going through right now, I wanted blame the pandemic. Everyone’s suffering from mental health. Yes, it’s safe being at home but It’s also not healthy anymore being stuck in a house.

August 22

Faith in God. Everything that is happening right now, I always trust in him. No matter how slow my progress is, I know everything’s planned.

Discipline. I always feel guilty when I didn’t review or waste my day to nothing. It’s a good thing because I know that I have a responsibility to do at the end of each day. It’s an add up routine for me to discipline myself to at least review per day. Also, it helped me minimize the use of social media accounts, use of phone, or watch netflix.

Strong. I know that I am strong because I am not giving up. Lately, I am being pressured on my review. I panicked and palpitated when I am stress. I cannot think properly. I know that my anxiety starts attacking me. I pray. I pray. I pray. And after that breakdown, the next day, It feels like I’m totally okay again.

Soft-hearted. I’m glad that I am still that kind of person. I don’t have that so much pride. I know that I am still humble and the kind person you still know.

August 23

1. To put God first in anything and everything.

2. To learn how to use your emotions to think.

3. To learn how to rest and treat myself.

4. Everything is just at the right time.

5. I deserved better. Don’t settle for less.

August 24

It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling. So much question on your head and a lot of insecurities on yourself. But you know what, you’re still growing. There’s so much things planned for you. Everything that you questioned about yourself, they’re all just temporary problems. Take it as a challenge for you to surpass. You still have so much things to be learned and you shouldn’t miss it. Just keep on moving forward because there’s a lot of opportunities ahead for you.

August 25

Trust is something that would take you for years to gain it and just a second of mistakes for you to ruined it. It’s one of my most important value in this world. Once I give you that trust, it means I am safe with you and I have no doubts for you. If you break it, I’ll always doubt in you and hard for you to have it back.

August 26

Yesterday. I’m not in a good mood. My body doesn’t want me to do anything. I feel guilty when I am not doing anything productive. But, its a recharged for me. Maybe, yes, I really need that rest for a while for me to think and relax my mind. Reminding myself to take good care of my mental health as well. Resting for a while is healthy, but too much chill can be unhealthy as well.

August 27

The positive changes that happened to me now would be my self-worth. It’s good to be single again. Less worries and problems. Maybe, God really planned this. He knows that I will carry much more pain when I am still in a relationship. This time, I’ll focus more on my personal problems firsts.

August 28

Recently, I am learning to plan all my tasks to do which truly a helpful for me to be more motivated to finish all my tasks. Also, I am reading an inspirational book before I start reviewing my lectures. It also helped me to be calm and inspired at the same time. It’s a slow progress yet it’s still a progress. Trying to not be so hard myself this time.

August 29

I am dreaming about acing that board exam.

I am dreaming about how my future would be.

I am dreaming about giving back to my parents.

I am dreaming about traveling to my dream places.

I am dreaming about buying all my wants.

I am dreaming about a contented life.

All I am dreaming is about my success. Success for me is something that I’ll overcome someday with all these present-day problems. It’s just all dreams but I know it’s not impossible to happen if I work hard and never give up no matter how life throws me curve.

August 30

Maybe, the new builded relationship with my sister. We are trying to start a small business which was her idea and I just support her. We don’t know how to grow and run a business, so, we have misunderstandings. But, we’re also happy on what we are doing because it’s something that you will not get bored or unproductive in a day. We both love arts, maybe someday, as we grow older, we’ll understand each other ever more.

August 31

I cannot believe that I made it. I am somehow healed on all that July heartbreaks. I can say that I’ve overcame all those previous problems because it’s all different now from all my current worries. I am now worrying about passing the board exam. This is what I wanted to happen, to be more focus on my review. I always have a productive day and I even learned to plan my duties to do at the end of each day.

~~~~~

Lord, Thank You. I know that you guided me. You helped me push myself to do better each day. There are downfalls, yes, but you never failed to be so good in me. It’s just a one month, but it truly helped me mold myself even more. I learned a lot from this month of August. I love you, Lord. Thank You for not leaving me.

[disneydreamlights]

Across the Stars: Epilogue

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Summary: Tensions between the Separatists and the Republic are climbing as the Senate debates whether there is need for an army. Anakin Skywalker, Senator of Tatooine, has recently returned to Coruscant to speak against its formation, resulting in an assassination attempt that forces him to reunite with long time friends Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi and the newly knighted Padme Naberrie for his own protection. [Anidala]

A/N: Thank you to everybody who read this thus far. As I’ve mentioned on AO3 and ffn I do have plans to continue the roleswap into TCW, ROTS, and some of the stuff prior to AOTC at a future date. (Which has probably been clear by my NaNo given it’s ROTS roleswap.) If you have any requests for TCW arcs to touch on just let me know!

"Padmé, a word, please?" Padmé looked up, still fairly exhausted from the past few days, but slightly more functional than she had been as the pain from the attachment of her new arm was starting to ease, and so she had been weaned off of the painkillers and was finally working in more of a capacity than 'drug induced haze'. She wasn't surprised to see Obi-Wan in the medical rooms, he and Anakin had by far been her most frequent visitors on the rare times she was actually awake.

"Obi-Wan." Padmé pushed herself up off the bed, definitely trying to at least seem more alert than she actually was. "Am I in trouble?"

Obi-Wan chuckled. "Nothing of the sort, my dear Padawan." He sat down on the foot of her bed, but Padmé frowned. If she wasn't in trouble. "I wanted to talk to you about your mission to Tatooine."

"With Senator Skywalker?" She slurred, looking at him in confusion. "What about it?"

Obi-Wan hesitated, as though unsure whether he should bring it up at all. "Did something happen during it? Involving you and a certain young Senator?"

Padmé blinked, her brain still under the effects of the painkillers unsure of what she was hearing, or perhaps it was just her hoping that Obi-Wan hadn't picked up on what had transpired between her and Anakin. "What?"

"Padmé, we all know that Anakin has feelings for you." The honesty behind Obi-Wan's answer, caught her off guard. He wanted to know about her possible not even defined yet relationship with Anakin? "He has never made it much of a secret. Normally I'd presume the feelings are one sided, but I know you and him have always been...close. And the way he's acted during his visits, and even on Geonosis, aren't of a platonic nature." Padmé racked her brain, trying to remember through the drug addled haze of the past few days.

She knew Anakin had tinkered with her arm some, making it more responsive, but that couldn't have been what was cluing in Obi-Wan. They hadn't been significantly more physically affectionate than Padmé had been with any others who had visited. He'd grabbed her hand a few times, but there wasn't anything overly…

Right, he'd outright kissed her forehead, she'd nearly forgotten about that visit. Yeah, she wasn't going to be able to just lie her way out of this one, was she? "...they're not." She finally acknowledged. "Anakin is in love with me, and somewhere along the way I fell for him too."

Obi-Wan fell silent, his hand resting on his chin. "I see. I had a feeling something like this was coming. And I'm assuming he knows?"

She nodded. "On Geonosis...before we were going into the arena."

Obi-Wan sighed, and she prepared herself for the incoming lecture on attachments she knew was coming. "This can't go any further than it already has."

"I know."

Obi-Wan frowned, looking at the obviously guilty Padmé. "When you're fully recovered, you'll need to tell Anakin that the two of you cannot be together." For a moment, Obi-Wan gained a wistful look on his face, perhaps thinking back to another time. "You do not have to deny your feelings for him, my Padawan, but allowing them to continue to develop unchecked is against the code."

In that moment, she felt like a wayward apprentice rather than a freshly knighted Jedi, being scolded for breaking the rules she already knew. "We'll be too busy to try anything anyways right now." She responded after a moment. "We're going to have to become leaders in the war, and Anakin…" He was a senator. His goal was going to be stopping the war as quickly as he could. "I know he won't be free either. A relationship between the two of us would be destined for failure. I'll...I'll talk to Anakin about it when I'm finished recovering."

Obi-Wan smiled at her answer, and Padmé felt her stomach churn with the guilt that she had to lie. "I'm sorry it has to be this way, Padmé."

"I know." And she did. Obi-Wan was her mentor, her best friend. He'd chosen her over Anakin, ignoring Qui-Gon's final wish ten years ago, and even now he cared for her happiness so much. He was telling her exactly what she knew all along, that eventually, she would have to make a choice.

Except a small, selfish voice in her head whispered that she didn't.

-x-

A little over a week later, Padmé was released from the Halls of Healing with an all clear on her ability to use her new arm in and out of combat and the rest of her wounds having been fully healed. It was weird, having a metal prosthetic now. It functioned like a real arm, touched like a real arm, and yet…

Before she could continue contemplating it, Anakin put his hand on her new one, startling her and pulling her attention away. "So, you're finally all better, General Naberrie."

"Please don't call me that." It was bad enough that once she was shipped out she'd have to hear the clones call her it near constantly. Hearing it from her friend (boyfriend? Lover? What were they?) just made her feel worse. A reminder of the war she'd had a hand in starting, that they were all trapped in now.

A mischievous twinkle appeared in his eyes, and he smiled. "In that case, maybe I could suggest a new name to go with the title." She tilted her head, waiting for a response that he was only too happy to oblige. "General Skywalker."

"Are you hoping to get in on the war effort too, Ani?" She treated her question like it was a joke, but that didn't stop her heart from pounding as she realized exactly what he was implying, what he'd asked her with that statement.

"Me? No, my job is in the Senate, but my wife's job will be leading Clone Troopers in the Grand Army of the Republic." His confident smile became more nervous, as he looked up at Padmé with pleading eyes, betraying everything he wanted, everything he hoped for. "That is, if she'll have me."

"Anakin…" He waited for a moment, forever patient and understanding and willing to follow her lead for whatever they wanted. "You don't think it's too soon?"

Anakin simply smiled. "In the ten years since we've met, there's been nobody I've met who could even compare to you. If I could do it all over again, I would propose to you sooner."

Padmé closed her eyes, trying to remember Obi-Wan's warning. She'd lied to him about telling Anakin to break off what they had, but she'd figured she'd have had more time before having to make her decision fully between the Jedi Order and Anakin. "What about the war? I have to help lead Republic forces, I'm needed on the front lines, just like you're needed here. I can't leave the Jedi."

"So don't." It was as though Anakin had given the traitorous thoughts in her head a voice to finally speak with. "Stay with the Jedi until the war is over, and I'll be the husband waiting for you to come home, and doing what I can to make that war end faster." His eyes met hers, and she felt the same intense connection between them as she'd felt when they'd first reunited. Had that really only been a few weeks ago? "Please."

She kissed him as an answer they both knew to be yes.

-x-

The wedding itself had been beautiful, and the night afterwards held promises for both the week she would still be in Tatooine, and for the rest of her life so long as she remained with Anakin. Those thoughts were for later, however, as right now she was simply content to enjoy the feeling of her husband's arms around her, and the comfort he brought.

Husband. It still hadn't really sunken in yet that she and Anakin were now married to each other. That he would forever be hers and she would forever be his. And yet despite having only acknowledged their feelings for each other a few days ago, everything around her screamed that this was right. That it was where she was supposed to be, content, happy, and warm right in his arms. As she began to fall asleep, she heard Anakin speak. "I want you to take Artoo."

"Hmm?" She opened her eyes, and found herself looking right into Anakin's.

"I want you to take Artoo," he repeated. "He knows all of my tricks, and while I can't always be there to help you, he can. He's also an Astromech, and you'll have a lot more need for one in battles than I will."

Padmé nodded, surprised at the offer, but appreciative nonetheless. "Thank you, Ani." If he was giving her a droid as a wedding gift, surely she had something she could…

She wiggled out of his arms, Anakin giving her a look of confusion as she went over to her robes. "What are you looking for?"

She reached out into her pocket and pulled out the Kyber Crystal. There were already plans for her to go to Ilum to get a new crystal. The Jedi had all assumed with her lightsaber gone, the crystal too had been destroyed. "If you're giving me Artoo, I want you to have this."

"The crystal you grabbed on Geonosis?"

"It's a Kyber Crystal...the one that powered my old lightsaber." She smiled, and placed the small blue crystal in his hand. "Obi-Wan and I are going to get a new one before I go out into the field, so I figured if I'm not using my old one…"

"It's perfect." He smiled. "That way, I'll always have a piece of you with me." And she knew right away that Anakin meant it. That he would treasure the small crystal forever, just as she did the tiny piece of carved wood a little slave boy had given her all those years ago. He put the small crystal on the nightstand by the bed, and it wasn't long before they had returned to their prior position in each other's arms.

The world outside would be ready for battle, a battle in a week they would be rejoining as Senator and Jedi, but for now the outside world didn't matter. It was just the two of them.

"I love you, Ani."

"I love you too."

-x-

In the bowels of the Senate building, deep underneath Coruscant, Count Dooku arrived in his ship, undetected by the remainder of the Coruscant. He had a mission, and it would be unwise to let his master down. "The Force is with us, Master Sidious."

The hooded figure smiled, Sidious, smiled. "Welcome home, Darth Tyrannus. You have done well."

"I have good news for you, my lord. The war has begun." Everything had gone exactly as Sidious had predicted. Dooku handed him the file he had collected from the Geonosians, and Sidious uploaded them into the system.

Sidious smiled as he looked at the plans within the database. "Excellent. Everything is going as planned."

In the Jedi Council chamber deep within the temple, Yoda, Mace Windu, and the newly elected Obi-Wan Kenobi stood together, troubled as Obi-Wan finished giving his report to the other two council members. "Do you really believe what Dooku said, about Sidious controlling the senate?" It was hard for Obi-Wan to wrap his head around, at least. "It doesn't feel right."

Yoda frowned. "Joined the dark side Dooku has. Lies, deceit...creating mistrust are his ways now." Obi-Wan could only imagine what the Grandmaster of the council was going through, right now. Yoda was Dooku's master, after all, and if Padmé fell to the dark side, he wasn't sure he would be able to face it either.

"Nevertheless, I feel we should keep a closer eye on the Senate," Mace said. He was right. If Dooku was lying, no harm was done. If he wasn't, then keeping one eye on the Senate might be the only thing that could stop them from meeting an early end.

"I agree." Yoda nodded, and the matter was settled. If Padmé hadn't yet broken Anakin's heart, perhaps the Senator would be willing to help them in this matter, but that was a matter for another day, another time, when she wasn't escorting Anakin back to his home.

"I must admit, without the clones, it would not have been an easy victory." Obi-Wan looked to his fellow masters to thank them for the help they provided, but before he could say more, Yoda spoke.

"Victory? Victory, you say? Master Obi-Wan, not victory. The shroud of the dark side has fallen."

"Begun the Clone War has."

[yarasun]

La Douleur Exquise; l.jn

Word Count: 3.8K

Summary: For you so loved him deeply, but all he needed from you was to satisfy his venereal desires. Lee Jeno was the painful yet ethereal lust, while Na Jaemin was your salvation. To love Lee Jeno was to endure in agony, but what could you do when his own best friend made you feel what true love is?

Author’s Note: This is my second one shot under the “Heir / Heiress AU”. Special credits to the Kdrama “The Inheritors” where I got the business school idea from and also credits to the owner of the photo used as the cover. I hope you guys check out Lee Donghyuck’s Illicit Desire, the first book of this series. Enjoy!

His fingers burned your skin as it roamed all over your body. Jeno has always been the needy type. The way he pulls you closer to his body, his hand gripping firmly on your waist while the other tugs on your hair, you decide that he needed you. He needed you to be there when he was scared. He needed you to be there and kiss his lips, whispering soothing words and telling him he is not weak. He needed you to tangle your arms around his neck and make him feel like he is worth everything. In summarization, he needed you to be there whenever he pleases, for you were simply his best friend, and it was your duty to satisfy his needs, for you, fell in love with Lee Jeno.

"Jeno." You whispered as Jeno buried his head on your neck, inhaling deeply. He hums in response and proceeds to trail kisses down your neck. You shivered at his antics and tried desperately to avoid falling deeper for this devil in front of you. Lee Jeno was the majestic yet dangerous creature that the gods sent to wreck your life. He was gorgeous, a holy embodiment of a deity, but cursed with the heart of Zeus; wretched and damaged. He didn't care who he'd hurt, or what his actions could case, as long as he felt good about himself. As long as he knew, you'd still be there for him in the end, he didn't care how much he'd hurt you. For you so loved Lee Jeno, that despite the pain he brings into your life you'd still welcome him back with open arms.

"We need to go. I still have classes." You said and Jeno sighed. "Can't you skip classes baby?" He asks and nibbles on your skin. "Unlike you, I need to study hard to succeed. I don't get what I want on silver platters." You say and pried Jeno's hands off your body. You were a third-tier student in the school, which meant you were simply given a scholarship by your father's company president, which happens to be Lee Jeno's father.

Lee Jeno's family owned one of the biggest real estate agencies in Korea. Just like his group of friends, he was also an heir to the company's position of CEO. Jeno's older sister was supposed to be the heiress to the position, but she left the country to pursue her own career, thus pushing the title towards Jeno. He seemed unbothered by the decision, but deep inside, he hates his sister for being selfish. For she never asked Jeno if he would be alright with the responsibilities, she simply fled away one day, and only spoke to their father about the decision. Therefore, Jeno had no choice, but to comply.

Meanwhile you, were nothing like Lee Jeno. Your father worked for Jeno's company, he serves food and washed the dishes in the kitchen and cafeteria. Which was the sole reason you ever got the chance to study in such a prestigious school like this. Mr. Lee, Jeno's father, was a generous and kind man, he was thankful for your father's hard work for the company, and decided to award him, by giving you a full scholarship. Thus, you've always been guilty for going behind his back and having a relationship with his son. But then again, would you really call it a relationship? No, it was more like an affair, for Jeno was already set off to be engaged with his girlfriend. She was an heir to a smaller real estate company, and according to Jeno, she could be the key to expanding their business further.

Now, these were a few points you disliked about the whole business school thing. People use others, like their partners, or even other family members, in order to expand their business, and gain more money. It was and always will be about the money. Having emotions, or an attraction to others, could either be a benefit for the company, or a threat to it. And this, was the reason as to why you and Jeno could never be. For you were a threat to the company.

Jeno cupped your face in his large hands and placed a soft kiss on your lips. It was unlike his normal kisses; rough and full of lust. This one felt genuine, loving as if everything was set on the right track. You blinked your hopeless thoughts away and pulled away from Jeno. You and Jeno could never. You were not meant for each other. He belonged with his friends, his girlfriend and his family reputation. You belonged with your father, ragged clothes and in a maid sized apartment. You were polar opposites, and Jeno would never settle for someone so imperfect and messed up. He would never settle for you.

"I got to go Jeno." You said and picked up your bag from the floor. Zipping up your turtle neck jacket, you tried desperately to cover up the new marks Jeno left on your skin. No one knows about your little sessions with Jeno except for his friends maybe. And as friends of Jeno, they've always kept it from others, especially from Seo Yun, Jeno's girlfriend. You heard Jeno sigh but you didn't want to deal with Professor Jung's lecture about time management, so you left him in there and ran to class.

Luckily, you arrived a few minutes before the professor arrived. Taking your seat beside Na Jaemin, one of Jeno's friend, he gives you a soft smile and continues scrolling through his phone. You adjusted your jacket and placed your head on the table, trying to get at least a minute of rest. "Did Jeno call you to meet up early morning again?" You heard Jaemin's deep voice and peeked your eyes to look at him. "What?" You asked and Jaemin placed his phone in his bag and crossed his arms over his chest, a smirk crept up his beautiful lips

Na Jaemin, just like his friends were agonizingly beautiful. They walk in the campus and everyone has their heads turned, staring in awe as their holy presence graced each and every one in the school. Girls squealed and dreamt for them to graze their fingers against their skins, while boys hoped to be as good looking and talented as the Dreamies. All of them were pulchritudinous, as if torn off from pages of fantasy novels. Especially Na Jaemin, out of their group, he received the most attention from girls due to his soft smile that serve as a panacea, deep voice and well-built figure. Aside this, Jaemin was a sweetheart, he loved to be touchy and clingy towards his friends and he was always seen messing around with Lee Jeno. Maybe that's the reason why you and Jaemin were also good friends. Jaemin knew about your social status and your tier in the school, but he's never judged you about it.

"The tier thing in school is useless, I don't see the point in making a big deal about it. I believe everyone can be successful despite their social status. Therefore, Y/N, study hard and prove my belief." As said by Na Jaemin when he saw you washing dishes with your father in the kitchen of Jeno's company. He offered to help despite your persuasion that you could handle it. Since then, the both of you have been good friends.

"Look princess, we both know Lee Jeno has you all wrapped around his finger. So, what time did he bother you again?" He asked, and you groaned. "4 am." You answered and rubbed your eyes. You weren't able to sleep well last night due to the number of reviewers you had to go through in order to catch up with the lessons in class, and Jeno calling to meet up with you at 4 am, surely didn't help. Jaemin frowned at your answer and rubbed your back soothingly. He's always been an angel. Unlike Lee Jeno, Jaemin could never hurt you. As much as you think you might be delusional, it's true, Na Jaemin didn't have the heart to hurt anyone. Sometimes, you even wished that it was him. That you fell for Na Jaemin instead. But no, you fancied the idea of being friends with Lee Jeno, of having him call you anytime he wanted to make himself feel less vulnerable. You liked the idea of getting hurt for Lee Jeno, consider yourself a masochist, but it was true. There was no denying that you've already kissed the devil's lips.

"As much as I'd love to indulge in the comfort of you rubbing my back. Please have mercy on me, I would not like to get involved in dramas with your admirers." You said and Jaemin laughed. His hand left your back, and only then were you able to breathe normally. Jaemin's group of admirers were crazy. If you got caught being friendly with them, or even talking with them, expect rumors and hate to slap your face the next day. Honestly, not only does this apply to Na Jaemin, but the whole group. They were well-known and if given the title, would probably be considered the rulers of the school. The Dreamies indeed were majestic. They possessed such charms that were out of this world. It's like they were designed by Van Gogh, and brought to life. Despite the name, they were not as dreamy as they seem to be. For loving them is a nightmare. And you'd willingly drown in that nightmare, just to feel Jeno's skin graze roughly against yours.

___

"You seem really tired." Park Jisung. He was the youngest out of the group. Jisung was remarkably talented. He was an amazing dancer, the best out of the best for his age. You've always enjoyed watching their dance performances during events hosted by the school. The way they moved in sync with the music and each other, how their bodies seem to fly beautifully across the stage, watching the Dreamies perform was always worth it. But if you were to be honest with yourself, it was mostly Lee Jeno that caught your attention. How his toned body seemed much visible because of the plain white shirt sticking to his body caused by his excessive sweating. The way he breathed heavily after every performance, it lured you to falling deeper than the depths of Tartarus.

"Thanks for pointing it out. I never noticed." You deadpanned and Jisung scrunches his nose in the most adorable way possible. "Why are you here anyways?" You asked as you popped a piece of sliced apple into your mouth. Your classes were done for the day and you decided to sit by the bench in front of the school's football field. "Jaemin, Renjun and Donghyuck are still in class and Chenle left early today for he had to work on some matters with his mother." Jisung says and he steals a sliced apple from your lunchbox and popping it into his mouth.

As expected, Na Jaemin, Huang Renjun and Lee Donghyuck were obviously still in class. Unlike the other members of their group, the three of them were high achievers. Other students would simply have 10-13 classes, but the 3 of them decided to add 2 or 3 extra classes into their schedule just for the purpose of getting more credits. "How about Jeno?" You asked. Jisung shrugged and pointed over towards the school's parking lot.

Your eyes landed on Jeno's Selenite Gray Mercedes Benz SLC Roadster. He was leaning on the hood of the car where Han Seo Yun was sitting on. From afar, you can clearly see Jeno's hands roam all over her body, desperately trying to pull her as close as possible. You bit your lip to avoid showing any signs of emotions, especially with Jisung beside you. Although Park Jisung knew about your little secret with his best friend, you didn't want to talk to him about it. Jisung was too innocent, and dragging him further into the problem would just cause burden for him. So, the best thing to do was to act as if you didn't care. "I'm sorry that you have to deal with Jeno." He says and pats your back reassuringly. All of the Dreamies seemed to be so sweet and kind, except for Lee Jeno. You smiled bitterly at Jisung and simply stood up.

As soon as you were about to leave, you bumped into a stiff figure. You tilted your head up slightly to meet face to face with Na Jaemin and his perfect smile. "Easy their princess. Where are you off to in such a rush?" He asked and you glanced swiftly at the couple by the Mercedes Benz. Jaemin's eyes trailed after yours and pursed his lips. Grabbing your hand, he drags you out of the field and towards the parking lot. You tried desperately to pull your hand back, and run away for you had no idea what Jaemin was planning. He could expose you and Jeno and that would be the end of everything.

"Hey, tell the others that I won't be able to hangout. I'll be with Y/N." Jaemin says as Jeno and Seo Yun turn their heads to face both of you. Jaemin's hands was gripping on your wrist and you swear, if looks could burn, your wrist would be ashes by now. "What?" Jeno asks, clearly confused with the whole situation. He stared at Jaemin with such power, you felt the tension in the air. But why? What's causing such suffocating aura in the air?

"Or rather, just cancel the plans for today. Donghyuck will be with his girlfriend today. Chenle left early. Renjun might not be out until 9 pm tonight, and Jisung might visit Mark at his apartment to run over a few errands. I can't be the one to third-wheel with you and Seo Yun now can I? So, I'll be with Y/N.  We can reschedule next week." He says and Jeno simply kept his mouth shut. It was palpable that Jeno was completely appalled by the scenario in front of him. You were his. He makes it clear every time he sunk his teeth into your soft skin, by was another man holding your hand? And that man so happened to be his very best friend.

"Shall we go princess?" Jaemin's voice soothed your mind as his hand comes up to rest on the small of your back. You nodded and Jaemin intertwined his fingers with yours, slowly tugging you to walk with him. Before you could take more than 2 steps, Jeno grabs your hand and grips on it firmly. You stared at Jeno, unable to properly comprehend your emotions as his hand burns your flesh. There was a quick change in his emotions, something that passed his eyes for a swift moment, before disappearing once more. Was it pain? Disappointment? Guilt?

Before he could say anything, you pulled your hand away and followed behind Jaemin. You didn't know and you would never know the emotions that took over Jeno after that, for you decided not to look back. You decided to show him, that he couldn't control you as much as he pleased. To show him, that you didn't love him as much as he thought you did. But of course, that was all just an act, a semblance. For you loved Lee Jeno too much to turn your back on him, except for this day.

___

"Are you alright princess?" Jaemin asked and you nodded. Strapping the seatbelt over your body, Jaemin puts the car on reverse, and drives his Nightfall Mica Lexus LC500 out of the school's drive way. He leans over slightly to grab your hand and place it on the gear, his hand covering yours. Na Jaemin has always been touchy and clingy, so you relaxed into the warmth that emitted from his hand and stared out the window, buildings passing by in a blur.

You sighed and the scenario with Jeno, Jaemin and Seo Yun replayed in your mind. Jaemin's hold on your hand was gentle, and comforting. Meanwhile, Jeno's grip on your wrist was rough and you could feel the anger radiate off his skin. As if his blood boiled at the sight of Jaemin's hands intertwined with yours. But why would he be mad? Aside the hungry kisses and violet marks that decorated your shoulders and neck, there was no ties between you and Jeno. You were his friend, the one that he calls over to make out with, in order for his vexation to subside. Your little relationship is known as a mere "Friends with Benefits".

Na Jaemin's finger rubbed soothing circles over your hand as he held it up to his face and kissed it softly. Jaemin was beautiful, comforting and he had this feeling of home. You wished it was him you fell in love with, not Lee Jeno. For Jaemin would make you feel what true love was, Jaemin could teach you how fascinating it is to love, and to be loved. You've always felt right when you were with Jaemin, he made you feel accepted, valued and he made you feel that despite your imperfections, you were worth loving. However, you don't want that feeling of satisfaction, you want thrill, pain and risks. In which, only Lee Jeno could make you feel that way. You'd gladly burn in flames with Jeno, for you loved the affliction that Lee Jeno brought into your life. You would suffer for Lee Jeno, for he was worth it.

"Why did you do that?" You asked and Jaemin hummed innocently. He continued grazing your hand softly and you leaned comfortably on his leather seat. "Not only will Jeno get mad at me, but there's a chance he might argue with you." You said and Jaemin nodded as he pulled into the parking lot of Heio's. "I needed to show Jeno that you weren't his, and he had no right to call you his. Nor does he have rights to call you at 4 am to satisfy his sexual desires. You're not a tool princess." He was right, but what could you do? You've already fallen for Lee Jeno and his agonizing love.

You got out the car and Jaemin intertwined his fingers with yours. Not giving it any thought, you walked with Jaemin into the café, your hands swinging in harmony. Picking the booth beside the window, you left Jaemin to place your orders as you pulled out a notebook and pen. Skimming through the notes, you listed a few extra points to remember for your upcoming tests.

"Actually, it goes this way." Jaemin's voice rung in your ears as he places the tray with food on the table. There was a large sized caramel milkshake and a medium iced latte macchiato. Jaemin and his addiction to coffee, you smiled at the thought of it. Beverage aside, Jaemin made sure to order your favorite strawberry cake and some cinnamon rolls. As soon as he took his seat, he leaned over to explain to you a few mistakes in the topics. Jaemin was actually really smart.

In their group, Lee Donghyuck was the smartest one. He was the highest scoring student of the whole school in the previous year. It was no shock as to why he held that position, despite Donghyuck's stentorian and frolicsome persona, he was an achiever. You would often see him in the library with Huang Renjun and Na Jaemin, or in Heio's with a pile of books in front of him. In fact, all of the Dreamies were exceptionally gifted, but it was the three of them that stood out most in terms of academics.

A smile crept up Na Jaemin's lips as he placed his pen back into his pouch, and closing his notebook. Your head weighed down on Jaemin's shoulder as he moved around slowly, trying his best to avoid waking you up. After decluttering the table, Jaemin tucked a strand of hair off behind your ear.

Your milky skin tone, puffed and blushed cheeks, your pouted pink lips that he wishes to brush his lips against, and your long black hair that he wished to tangle his fingers in. You were a goddess sent from above, Jaemin couldn't help but stare in awe. The way you walk as if you were confident and independent, but deep inside, your calloused fingers and bruised neck and shoulders from Lee Jeno's bite marks, breaks his heart. Na Jaemin hated the way Jeno treated you, as if you were some toy that he could mess with whenever he pleased, and throw away when he was bored, he despised it. Jeno was his best friend, but you were his first love, and as much as it hurts, Jaemin could never do anything to break you away from him, for he knew how much you were infatuated with Lee Jeno.

"Princess, I'll drive you home." He whispers and you stirred, your eyes slowly fluttering open. Jaemin's heart swelled at the view, you were gorgeous, too fragile for this wretched and damned world. He hated seeing you cover up in your hoodies and jackets due to those bruises left by his best friend. Besides that, he knew how broken Jeno was, but it was no excuse to use two people at once. He hooks up with you to feel better about himself, while he uses Seo Yun for business purposes and maintaining his name and reputation. He never truly understood the point of it, but who was he to judge?

As soon as Jaemin pulled up in the basement of your apartment, he runs over to your side and picks up your bag. He wraps a protective arm behind your waist and escorts you into your apartment. You were too tired to be able to walk properly to Jaemin, the gentleman that he was, insisted on accompanying you until you were inside your home safely. Knocking on the door, your dad opened the door and welcomed Jaemin with a wide smile. He bowed slightly and brought you over to the couch, setting your bag down and allowing you to sit comfortably.

"I have to head home princess. Good night and please, have plenty of rest." He says and kisses the top of your head. Turning to your father, he bows once more and gives him a big plastic with food in it, "Sir, please accept this. It's my little treat for you and Y/N, I hope you enjoy the food." He says and your father pats his shoulder, giving him a thanks before he walked out the cramped apartment.

"Father, feel free to finish that. I already ate with Jaemin. Enjoy it. I'll take a rest now." You said and kissed his cheek, picking up your bag and walking into your room. Grabbing your cracked phone from your bag, a message popped up on the screen. It was from Jeno.

"Do you honestly think I'll allow you and Jaemin to get closer with each other? Baby, you're mine. And Jaemin won't be able to do anything about it. If I were you, I would not let some false fantasies of a happily ever after with Jaemin distract you. It will never happen."

[baijingshen]

Ship bias for lwj and lxc?

Send ‘Ship Bias’ and I will share up to 5 Ships I have a bias for for my muse! (+ specify a muse)

I JUST FIND IT HARD to imagine Wangji smiling like that for anyone who isn’t Wei Wuxian. So number 1-3 of this list belong to Wei Wuxian, sorry I don’t make the rules. However, I also have my guilty pleasures. 4. Jiang Cheng. When the universe created me it instilled me with a craving for angsty love stories, apparently, so of course I couldn’t help imagining feelings sprouting between Lan Wangji and Jiang Cheng during the time they search for Wei Wuxian together. Wouldn’t be the first time two people fall in love over their love for a third person. This is really just pain on a silver plate, though, but I do enjoy the thought of them together. They’d be an interesting couple!! They’re both stubborn in their own way and repressed in their own way and if left to their own devices they’d probably be in love for 84 years but only ever touch hands in chapter 173 maybe. 5. Nie Huaisang. Never thought I’d think about this ship, until I made this blog and @qinghebound mentioned it. It only works in a verse in which they meet before Wei Wuxian shows up in CR and generally in which Wangxian isn’t a thing, but it has potential. I think Wangji is someone who values strength, but not in the same way Nie Mingjue or Jiang Cheng do. He wouldn’t think less of Huaisang as a human being for not having strong cultivation or knowing how to wield a sword properly. If anything Wangji has proven that he’d support the one he loves in being who they are and want to be, and damned be anyone who disagrees.

1. Meng Yao. Their first scene together is absolutely ridiculous and I shipped them before I even remembered everybody’s name in CQL. Like, talk about shameless when Xichen opens that box Meng Yao is holding and just super casually touches hands as if they’ve been secret lovers for a decade. Ridiculous. Also the fact that no matter what JGY does, he just can’t hate him; he even admits that he knew about some of his shenanigans and still believed in the good in him, and for that I love them. The ending is a tragedy but I never blamed LXC for it and neither did JGY. The whole world is a better place because Xichen truly loved and appreciated Meng Yao and offered him the respect every person deserves regardless of where they come from, at any given moment. He really loved unconditionally, even if that doesn’t mean he agrees with everything JGY did, and that’s hard to top.

2. Nie Mingjue. I talked about this on my NMJ post, so maybe check that out as well if you’re interested :) I love to think about them as childhood/teenage friends and sweethearts to some degree. They lost a fraction of their heart to the other early on and never got it back (never asked for it back either). Even if they don’t see each other often and they’re kilometers apart, they know to trust each other and share a great fondness for each other. I think both sides know that they’d never have to fear the other to betray them, no matter what, and that’s something they both treasure a lot. Since I’m weak for the whole 3zun relationship mess (surprise), I also imagine that they both love each other enough they can handle it if the other is with someone else/with someone they love (Meng Yao), without feeling despair or jealousy others might feel in their situation. Xichen is Mingjue’s safe haven and he only ever wants his best. Losing him really makes him feel that part of his heart that he lost to Mingjue for the rest of his life, with every breath he takes. Some people are destined to meet in this life and be together, one way or another, and Xichen and Mingjue are just that. They give me that feeling of.. even if they had to say farewell to each other for 30 years (or forever), they’d feel better just knowing the other person exists somewhere on the other end of the world. You know?

3. Jiang Cheng. Jiang Cheng needs a lot of love and patience and Xichen has both in abundance. I also talked about this on my JC posts, here. I think Xichen could be really good for Jiang Cheng, as a friend and ally, and eventually a lover. Even if he’s subtle about it, Xichen has a way of making people feel seen and special without needing any grand gestures, and not being acknowledged or seen (or loved?) is one of Jiang Cheng’s big issues, imo. But not to be talking about JC’s side of it only, I also think Xichen deserves to be with someone who loves him with their whole heart and who appreciates his kindness and wisdom, and Jiang Cheng would. Once he loves someone he’s devoted and faithful; and after a considerable period of awkwardness about their changing relationship I think Jiang Cheng would consider himself incredibly lucky to have the trust and affection of the great Zewu Jun.

4. Nie Huaisang. This ship needs some kind of set up for me, because I don’t see it happening in canon without an incentive of some kind, but I like the idea of it. Lan Xichen is probably the only person in the cultivation world who genuinely isn’t annoyed with Huaisang’s “incompetence” even after years of watching him be a medium to grand scale disaster. Xichen is someone who loves people as they are and doesn’t try to change them, just understand them better. He can see that Huaisang isn’t interested in fighting and war, or even night hunts, and he doesn’t think everyone has to be. Huaisang has so many other beautiful talents and interests that make him a very special person and that side of him is something Xichen could appreciate, I think. Also, Huaisang would be a bit of a dash of color in Xichen’s life, and I think canon shows that Xichen generally enjoys a peaceful quiet life and doesn’t mind all those rules in CR, but he also likes the occasional mischief and he’s clearly amused by the shenanigans WWX & Co are up to during the lecture times.

[tartagilicious]

so, I have no shame. I tried to remember every time I cried or got significantly emotional about something in mlqc, I wrote down what I was thinking in a notebook. I’ve now come to share those with you all now that I’ve just been emotionally scarred by a mobile game again ☺️✨ there are also spoilers for chapter 25 under the cut, so please be advised about that and skip reading it if you don’t want to be spoiled. 

I’ll try my best to add to this post over time. 

— 

- it’s a surprisingly sparse list?? even I expected more

- I’m emotional but not a crier and I stand by that ✨

#1- the first time a scene made me actually react. wow. I can barely even remember it. when kiro and the mc were trapped underground at the hacker’s convention, that was the first time I genuinely had an emotional response to the game. I remember being like ??what?/ wHAT the fuck is happening why is he- why does- what??? *insert incoherent wheezing here*  and I knew absolutely zero information about the more important parts of the game too, which made it so much more confusing lol. 0/10 do not recommend

#2- there was a similar response when kiro disappeared in chapter 14, but when gavin came back in chapter 14????? there were a few actual tears shed because I was so relieved and happy that he was back. that was the first time I cried over the game, and I know that because I remember watching tiktoks immediately after to calm down with tears in my eyes. only like a 3/10 on the crying scale but still valid nonetheless

#3- when lucien was revealed to be part of black swan. sigh. I didn’t cry. I was just disappointed. can you believe that I didn’t like him for bit of time because of that? I can’t even imagine that now, my team harem ass could never

#4- no. I did not cry when victor stabbed the mc, I was only supremely confused. I kind of closed out of the last chapter like “haha,,,,, I wanna know what happens next but first I need to figure out what just happened there.” and I didn’t cry when she went into the other world either! emotions? don’t know her.

#5- FUCK SO THIS IS WHAT EMOTIONS ARE. i was beyond excited when shaw appeared in chapter 21 or so, I remember it vividly because I’d been waiting so long for it. and ch22 gavin??? that was a 10/10 on the crying scale. hey, it was 3am, I was very emotionally vulnerable T-T anyway 10/10 would cry again. that scene read like a fanfiction and I loved it. 

#6- (literally written in all caps)  VICTOR GODDAMMIT IN THE CAR TELLING HER TO RUN IT WAS SO SOFT AND EMOTIONAL BECAUSE I AM STILL WAITING FOR THAT TRUE REUNION BACK IN THE REAL WORLD BECAUSE POOR BABY PROBABLY MISSES HER AND FEELS SO GUILTY. 10/10 NOT BAD AND SOMEWHAT REDEEMING CONSIDERING HE DIDN’T TRUST HER AT ALL BEFORE. 

#7- I….. partly the reason I’m making this post is because of this one. kiro and the mc’s reunion in chapter 24, I just played it now and am putting it in the place it makes sense…. this is the one concept and character that’s made me cry the most in mlqc by far, and this didn’t fail by any means. I cried as much here as I did with Gavin’s scene in ch22. especially at the line “I was so fierce to you before.. so cold. but when running away, you still didn’t leave me.”

#8- (why did I write so loudly omg) SHIT I THOUGHT IT WOULD AT LEAST GIVE ME SOME TIME BUT NO. LUCIEN’S CHAPTER 24 REUNION WITH THE MC HIT HARDER THAN MY CRIPPLING ANXIETY. WHEN HE SAID, “'You might need me, but I need you more.” I LOST IT. I DIDN’T REALLY CRY MUCH BUT IT DEPRESSED THE HELL OUT OF ME. 10/10 but I probably wouldn’t read it again because it honestly did make me really sad 😔

——————————————————————————

#9- chapter 25, when Hypnos showed up after she broke free and got back to her world safely and had the nerve to say: “isn’t it so hard being an ordinary person?” after SHE LITERALLY WATCHED TWO EVOLVER CHILDREN BEING TAKEN AWAY FROM THE ORPHANAGE WITH HER OWN EYES. and saying barely anything useful when she asked any questions about what was going on. the next time I see Hypnos its on SIGHT

#10- when I tell you my jaw DROPPED when she got that text from kiro but it made me so happy :’) im excited to see him again, esp now that mc knows that helios and kiro are the same person. 

#11- and at the end of that same chapter, there was that single line — “I am finally back.” and then her saying something that basically boiled down to, “No matter what world I’m in, he will always know evol and the queen ability the best. I must find xu mo.” like yes girl!!! please find him!!!! 🥺 I want a good true reunion so much, she’d better have one with each character or I don’t want it. because! technically the one in chapter 24 doesn’t count since it could’ve been with any of them, so it doesn’t affect the story, which means that them meeting again in their world would in theory be the first time they see each other again without trying to adhere to each guy. 

#12- lucien, please shdjgfsdxfjgj I can’t stop laughing I know it’s serious but he finally went off the rails. I laugh, but its honestly really sad. he misses her so much that he hallucinates her, so he doesn’t react when she shows up at his lecture or when she tries to talk to him, because it’s a normal thing apparently. I just really want him to realise that it’s actually her standing in front of him, because right now it’s like talking to a brick wall tbh.

#13- lucien,,,,,, I’m not laughing anymore. please 🥺 when lost control in that one moment, and then she didn’t forgive him but he still sat by her bedside when he thought she was asleep and told her all of those things — I was so sad. the type where I didn’t even cry, I was just silent for a real long time. that was the first time that lucien admitted his emotions so openly to mc, and it was really sweet, even if some of the things he said were a little sketch. BUT it’s okay, I understand why he’s acting the way he is. I mean, he thought that the woman he loved was dead for months but then she just randomly appeared. he only wants to see her and keep her safe.