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sparxwrites · 3 years ago

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More self-indulgence, but in my defence I was asked to this time (by @florfering). Without further ado: “yours were the arms (that the whole world was in)”, director’s cut edition. Once again, significantly longer than the fic itself. Whoops

You can find the fic in question here on tumblr or here on AO3, sans commentary.

Mumbo is not surprised when, the morning after Scar’s death, Grian runs away from the Southlands’ little trust exercise as soon as he’s been passed the life.

Martyn’s indignant squawks follow him as he flees, and Impulse gives brief chase, but Mumbo doesn’t bother. He knows exactly where Grian’s going. And he knows that Grian, even odds or better, will be back before long.

Opening gambit/premise here is that Mumbo and Grian know each other very well, and have known each other for a long time, and are in an… established relationship, of sorts. Of the “we’re soulmates/blood brothers and also we sleep together and maybe we’re a bit in love” variety, I think; they’re not platonic, by any means, but the basis of the relationship is this deep and abiding sense of a bond between them or a “meant to be by one another’s sides” kind of thing, and the sexual/romance component came a little after they’d already kind of ended up tied into one another.

Which makes this whole fic a weird kind of semi-wordless relationship negotiation, with Grian being like “hello, I found a man, can we keep him” and Mumbo evaluating whether he likes and trusts Scar enough to allow this. There’s a reason I tagged the thing “polyamory negotiations” on AO3! Do love me some relationships that are complicated and atypically-structured but still extremely deeply-felt and meaningful.

He’s even less surprised when Grian returns that evening, looking furtive and ashamed, and guiding a golden-eyed Scar by the hand through the still-rigged front gate.

The hand-holding is important here. I don’t know exactly what happened between “Scar died” and “Grian got another life into him”, but I do know that yellow Scar is uh… lightly traumatised, by the time they get back to the Southlands. Certainly still kind of actively in a shock response. So he’s vulnerable. This is not cool, collected, in control Scar – this is Scar who does actually kind of need Grian physically leading him, because he’s kind of dissociating out of his head a bit currently.

(Some of this is also because I subscribe to a theory some people have tossed around where Scar’s jump into the lava was at least partially intentional – both from a “I’m so fucking lonely and my attempts to buy friends didn’t work” perspective, and on a “Etho I’m going to go red deliberately so I can wreck your shit” perspective. Which is dialogue from Etho’s pov ep.5 that cc!Scar, interestingly, cut from his pov. Either way, I think c!Scar “slipped”, where it’s ambiguous even to him how much was him genuinely fucking up and falling into the trap and how much was him wanting to lose a life/punish people. The minute he hit the lava, though, he sure as all fucking hell regretted it, though, because burning alive hurts. So that’s another layer to the trauma-shock.)

The gate still being rigged is also important here– this is where Scar died! This is the site of his current trauma! And of Grian’s trauma, because that scream of “Scar!” was… whoof. It was something. So there’s a kind of mutual comfort going on here, as they navigate through the site of Scar’s death on the way back to what Grian considers safety. Scar physically requires Grian’s help, is very literally in Grian’s hands; and Grian needs the reassurance that Scar is still there, still with him, still safe.

It’s also very important you know that I’m imagining Mumbo as having like… pulled a deck chair over to the gate immediately after Grian left, and basically just sat in it all day, waiting for Grian to come back. Even when the others were saying no, Grian’s gone, Grian’s betrayed us, Mumbo just shrugged and smiled and waited.

“Look what the cat dragged in,” he says, without any malice, and Grian jumps. His wings flare, the feathers puffing up – expected, a standard Grian startle response. He steps between Mumbo and Scar, weight distributed evenly between his feet, his centre of gravity dropped in something that might be almost a fighting stance – less expected. Novel. Concerning.

Mumbo knowing Grian well enough to very automatically and immediately read his body language is kind of central to the fic. A lot of their “negotiation” in this is through this weird little dance for two they have going on, where every movement they make towards each other is imbued with immediately-understood meaning and symbolism. Scar isn’t privy to this language (which contributes to the issues later in the fic), but for both Mumbo and Grian there is a whole dialogue happening here, largely without words.

“Oh.” Grian relaxes when he realises who it is, though only a little. The feathers flatten again. His wings stay half-flared, though, and he stays in front of Scar. He still hasn’t let go of Scar’s hand. “It’s just you. I thought you might’ve been Martyn, come to–”

He makes a motion with his free thumb, a jerky slash across the front of his throat, and grins. It doesn’t reach his eyes.

Grian, deflecting from having genuine emotions and/or fear by making jokes or being facetious? Must be a day that ends in “y”.

Jokes aside, Grian is anxious. He doesn’t regret stealing the life, doesn’t even really care about Martyn or the other’s reactions to it, but he does value Mumbo’s feelings and good opinion of him. And he’s worried he’s fucked that up, and/or that Mumbo’s going to tell him that Scar can’t be in the Southlands – because then he’s got to chose between the two men he loves, and he really does not want to have to do that. Because he’s not sure who he’d choose, and that terrifies him, because it says something about the depth of the emotion he feels for Scar that he doesn’t really want to confront yet.

Mumbo sighs, and crosses the space between them to press a kiss to Grian’s temple. “Welcome back, idiot,” he says, fondly, and his chest warms at the way Grian’s eyes flutter half-closed, the way Grian tilts his head into the brief press of lips against skin. “I’ve been waiting for you all day.”

I’m a sucker for small and meaningful gestures of intimacy. Mumbo’s is, apparently, a kiss to the temple. It’s another part of the “weird little dance” I talked about earlier – it’s ‘just’ a forehead kiss, but Grian has the context to interpret it as forgiveness and intimacy and a reaffirmation of their bond, and responds accordingly by absolutely melting into it, even though that’s technically an ‘overreaction’ to a fairly ‘platonic’ kiss.

“I’m sorry.” And then– “I’m sorry, Mumbo, I know I shouldn’t have, but– I signed a contract.” There’s something pleading in Grian’s voice. Something that doesn’t sound like a contract at all.

Grian, yet again, deflecting. “I signed a contract” is way easier than attempting to articulate “I spent a whole world at this man’s side, and then he betrayed me, and then he knelt before me and offered me his throat and I refused to slaughter him like a lamb, and then I beat him to death with my bare hands until I was covered in his blood and left alone in an empty bloodsoaked world with the sinking feeling that he let me kill him, and now I don’t know what the fuck that means because he’s here again and he’s alive and I still love him and I still feel guilty and I am absolutely refusing to acknowledge or process literally any of this”.

Scar, behind him, has not said a word. The hood of his wizard’s robe is still up, pulled low over his face, leaving only golden eyes and the faint suggestion of lips visible through the shadow. His scars – old, pale, diagonal, cutting through one eye, through the other and the bridge of his nose, across his cheek to brush just right of the left corner of his lip – are invisible in the low light, but…

Aaaand we’re back to Scar’s reputation management habit. He’s less self-conscious about the aesthetics of the scars – he’s already got plenty of those – and more shying away from what they represent, i.e. the trauma of his recent death and the feelings/intentions associated with that. They also represent, visually, to other people, him “fucking up” via “falling” into an obvious trap that he’d already fallen into once – which is incompatible with the smooth and competent businessman thing he’s trying to do.

(I think, also, the respawn not working perfectly is… significant, from the perspective of the characters. I talk a bit below about my half-formed thoughts about the respawn being something semi-sentient for a generous definition of sentience, and the characters are aware of this, that it’s a thing that to some extent makes choices based on its own weird logic. So for Scar to have marks left from his death means that death was– significant. It wasn’t a silly accident, or a mistake, it’s got meaning to him, enough so that the respawn decided it should permanently mark him – which, for something that was ostensibly a silly slip into an obvious trap, raises some really uncomfortable questions from the the others for Scar that he really does not want to answer. Or have to think up a convincing lie about.)

When Mumbo squints, he can just about make out something red, something angry-looking, something with the texture of melted wax, crawling across Scar’s face towards the corner of his right eye. Towards the right corner of his mouth, half-pulled-up in what might not be a wry smile.

Something something Scar’s little smirking half-smile as a salesman’s affectation, part of his mask, now made permanent – and how that permanence/lack of voluntariness changes the emotional valency of it, both for how he feels about wearing it and how other people interpret it.

I enjoy writing about characters getting long-term injuries/disabilities/disfigurements that are really significant, not just because anything like that is significant, but because it interacts with something that is a really core part of themselves in a way that forces them to reckon with how they’ve constructed their own identity. Scar’s one is to do with how something that was part of his mask is no longer something he can take off at will; it changes the way he feels about his performance, because it’s less fun playing a part when you can no longer entirely drop the act at the end of the play. It changes the way people read the performance, too, because it’s obvious to everyone else that the smirk is involuntary – so it’s no longer a signal he can lean on, since people now read pity and lack of agency into it rather than competence and confidence.

“Hey, Mumbo,” says Scar, and when he smiles his salesman’s smile, the right side of his mouth hardly moves. His teeth flash white in the dark. His voice has the usual lilt to it, all effortless and easy charm, but it’s hollow in the middle, empty down to the bones. Dead inside. “I’d apologise for dropping in on you so unexpectedly, but I’m not sorry at all, so I won’t bother. And besides– I had an invite.”

Unfortunately, even a traumatised and shocky Scar is a bit of a cocky arse, even if the tone of voice doesn’t quite land. Maybe especially so, given he currently feels under threat and that’s a defence mechanism – but it’s also just how he is. Man’s got compulsive swagger in his bones.

Mumbo does not miss the way Grian’s fingers tighten around Scar’s hand. Does not miss the way Scar’s fingers – burns there, too, flowing down from his wrist over his pinky and ring finger – go white-knuckled in return.

Trauma bonding! Again, I don’t… entirely know what happened between Grian leaving the Southlands/Scar respawning and the two of them returning with Scar on yellow, but I don’t think it was easy for either of them. This is also dragging up a lot of weird unresolved stuff from both of them left over from Third Life, and the way that ended for them, which neither of them have dealt with or acknowledged – they might not even realise that’s why they’re so fucked up over it, to be honest, but it’s there. Looming over both of them.

“I made a promise, Mumbo,” whispers Grian, wretchedly, and that– that sounds closer to the truth.

Grian translation: I can’t help loving him. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I tried not to, and I thought I could avoid it, but I can’t, and you need to understand that it’s not my fault. It’s involuntary. It’s out of my hands.

“Move aside, Grian,” says Mumbo, with a sigh. “I’m not going to hurt him.”

Mumbo translation: Can you stop being an idiot for like five minutes oh my god. I still love you, and I’m not angry you love him. I just need some time to process this,and evaluate what this means and how we can make this work.

Grian moves aside. He lets go of Scar’s hand, and Mumbo takes that as the sign of trust that it is.

Scar takes it as abandonment.

Again– Grian knows Mumbo, trusts him, has read into Mumbo’s small gestures throughout the conversation to know that the negotiation is going well, and uses a small gesture to reciprocate that trust.

Scar, however, doesn’t have the context to read that gesture – he’s not privy to the language Mumbo and Grian are speaking, and in fact probably has no idea about the enormous amount of subtext going on here re: relationship negotiations. He’s only reading the surface cues (Grian is anxious, Mumbo has said he’s not angry but done little to prove it, Grian is letting go of him) rather than the actual conversation: Grian is anxious about Mumbo accepting that Grian loves Scar, Mumbo has repeatedly demonstrated that he’s not angry and is willing to be patient and still loves Grian, Grian is reciprocating Mumbo’s extended hand in the face of Grian’s “betrayal”/“bad behaviour” by stepping back to let Mumbo and Scar negotiate on their own terms without his interference but with the assurance that Mumbo won’t hurt him because Mumbo understands how important he is to Grian.

So– Grian sees this as an extremely meaningful gesture, a huge show of trust, something very safe. Scar sees it as “oh god my comfort blanket has just been dragged away from me and a guy who has absolutely no reason not to kill me is approaching me”. Whoops! (What can I say? I love a bit of subtle miscommunication.)

He doesn’t run, doesn’t so much as flinch, but there are suddenly whites all the way round his golden irises. Mumbo can see them, as he approaches, wet and reflective in the dark. They flicker yellow-orange in the torchlight, his pupils blown wide and dark with adrenaline.

When he knocks Scar’s hood back off his head with the brush of a single knuckle, Scar doesn’t flinch, but his eyes are full of fire.

This is just me hammering on the theme of Scar-and-fire-slash-lava as hard as I possibly can, because sometimes you’ve got to be dramatic and poetic and lean in a bit.

The torches cast a strange, dancing light across his new scars. The burns cover the right side of his head, hair gone and replaced by fresh, glossy skin in silver and red all the way up to his temple. The warped tendrils of it reach towards his eye, across to his mouth, down below the neck of his robe. His lip is tugged up at the corner by it, his mouth twisted into a permanent half-smile. His eye seems spared, though – unharmed, like his full left side.

The respawn’s strange like that, sometimes. Capricious, in what it decides to take from you. In what it decides to leave. In the marks it decides you should bear.

I’ve got an ongoing Thing that I’m still working out re: creative mode and respawn and a variety of other game mechanics as… deities, ish, but in a very abstract and intangible and inhuman sense. Kind of a cross between the fae and an eldritch abomination, but without a body and with an even more fucked sense of humour/justice.

Creative mode will just straight up fuck you up, eat you hollow from the inside out, don’t touch that shit with a barge pole unless you’re an admin and even then be careful – but even with the respawn, which is much less… whatever it is that creative mode is, there’s a risk every time you use it, in terms of a price it might decide to take. Especially on a server where death has been made more meaningful than it usually is, because the respawn (like all the other partially-sentient game mechanics) interacts with the meaning placed on the death by the player more than anything about the mechanics of death.

(Some of this comes from the requirement of explaining arbitrary game mechanics, either enforced via mods or by player obedience, when you’re writing “serious” fanfiction – such as why you can sometimes have limited lives, especially in the context of e.g. Dream SMP, where there’s three lives but deaths only sometimes count and there’s not really any good rules about what kind of deaths count. Some of this comes from my old Yogs headcanons where I was playing around with such typical themes for Minecraft roleplay fanfiction as “what makes a god versus a monster” and “what makes a person a person” and “apotheosis as a faustian bargain”, and ended up writing a fic series with creative mode as a secondary antagonist. Some of this comes from the fact that I, unfortunately, as a person, start reading belief systems into absolutely every space I can possibly find, and I am in love with the idea of double-edged swords and being part of something bigger than yourself whether you want to be or not and confronting the fundamentally unknowable and accidentally shaping reality by telling the same story enough times, even when you’re not aware you’re telling a story.)

Mumbo sighs, again, and presses the same kiss to Scar’s temple as he had to Grian’s. Though he’s gentle, steady – even when his lips press against waxy, burnt skin, alien to the touch – Scar flinches as though he’d been struck by lightning.

More micro-gestures! This one’s a demonstration, for Grian, that Mumbo’s accepting Scar – into the Southlands, yes, but also in terms of “I acknowledge he’s important to you and I’m not going to fight that and I’m not going to make you choose, and I will care for him and learn to care for him because he’s important to you and I love you.”

The placing of it on the burnt temple is also important. Mumbo’s correctly identified the burn as a point of Concern for Scar, even if he doesn’t fully understand it, and therefore there’s other layers to the gesture that can be read in – an apology for helping create the trap that killed him, a reassurance that the burn scar doesn’t bother him (an incorrect analysis of what bothers Scar about it, but a reasonable assumption), maybe the slightest edge of a powerplay in the sense of “you will be vulnerable, and I will be kind to you while you’re weak, but remember that if you try anything – especially with Grian – I can hurt you”. But mostly the first two.

“Easy,” murmurs Mumbo, for his ears only. “Easy now.”

And another micro-gesture, this one just for Scar, because now he’s agreed to “adopting” Scar, they need their own language too; need their own space, without Grian’s influence, because you just slapping another person onto the side of an existing dynamic is recipe for disaster. This is a first step towards working out how the two of them dance together, whether Scar realises it or not – and I think he probably doesn’t, because as good as Scar is with manipulating narratives, he’s pretty bad with people/“uncontrolled stories”.

Scar exhales, unsteadily, and dips his head in what might be a nod. “Yeah,” he mutters – twitches again, when Mumbo settles an arm across his shoulder, before leaning ever so slightly into the touch. Something in the motion of it reminds Mumbo of fresh-tamed wolves, eager for affection, fearful of violence, bristling with recently-feral pride. “Okay, okay, I get it. Behave, etcetera etcetera. I’ll play nice. I promise.”

Scar, again, misinterpreting things. Wilfully misinterpreting? A bit. But also the guy genuinely has zero idea that this whole thing is an elaborate relationship negotiation. He’s vaguely aware there’s a layer to the conversation he’s missing, but he assumes that it’s a “hey so Scar can stay, right, and you’re not going to kick me out for stealing a life, right?” which… yes, but it’s also a “and I might be a bit in love with him, but you’re my boyfriend and I love you, but also I don’t think I can stop loving him because I tried and it’s not working, and I don’t know what we do with this”. Which gets answered with a “I still love you, and I’m not angry, and I don’t mind you loving him, and we’ll see if I can learn to love him too”.

(At some point Mumbo’s going to refer to “my boyfriends”, and Scar’s going to be like “wait, who’s the second one”, and Grian is going to lose his shit laughing. Because, oh yeah, whoops, we forgot to tell Scar we’d adopted him as a third.)

(…For bonus comedy points, this happens after they’ve all slept together several times.)

That’s not what Mumbo meant, and he thinks Scar knows it. But he’s done enough pushing for one night. Instead, he opens his other arm, jerks his head in Grian’s direction. “Hey, Grian. What’re you waiting for? Get over here!”

Grian slots under his arm gratefully, easily, like he was made to fit there. It loosens something tight in Mumbo’s chest. “So you’re not going to dob us in to Martyn, then?” he asks, cheekily, a note of genuine worry buried deep enough to be barely audible. “I’ll make it up to him somehow, I promise, I just– I knew he wouldn’t say yes, if I asked, so–”

Weird ways in which Scar and Grian are the same: they’re incapable of just asking people for things. Scar because he doesn’t really have any friends, because he just has no idea how to make them and refuses to be emotionally vulnerable, and therefore would have to go and ask “strangers” which seems very intimidating; Grian because he bleeds emotions everywhere all the time, which hides the fact he does very little actual vulnerability, because he’s a little bit terrified of what might happen to him if he puts his heart on display out of an awareness of how damn tender the thing is, and therefore doesn’t want to ask because oh god what if he gets rejected.

It’s probably why they like each other so much. It’s probably why Mumbo ends up being so soft towards Scar in this, too, despite initially having good reason to be standoffish – reminds him of someone else he’s very fond of.

“Martyn decided that his loyalties lay elsewhere, whilst you were out on your rescue mission,” says Mumbo, with remarkably little bitterness. It’s hard to feel bitter, with Grian pressed warm against one side, Scar pressed fever-hot against the other. “So you’re safe. For now, anyway. You know how he gets about revenge, and all that nonsense.”

Something something the symbolism of Scar and Grian showing up hand in hand and waiting for Mumbo’s judgement, and now Mumbo between them with his arms around both of them.

Also more Scar/fire-related imagery, which is apparently my OTP for this fic.

“Yes,” says Grian, like he’s won something, which is an entirely inappropriate and entirely Grian response. “So Scar can have Martyn’s bedroom, then, is what I’m hearing.”

Look. I love Grian. I love all three of them, and their tenderness, and the subtle little relationship negotiations going on here. But Grian is fundamentally unhinged, especially in Third/Last Life, and refused to have a normal reaction to discovering one of his friends was a traitor. Horrible little goblin.

Mumbo hums, non-committal. “He could,” he says, and thinks of Scar and Grian, hand in white-knuckle hand. “Or we could drag the bed into our room. Sleepover time.”

Mumbo said Okay Maybe Scar Goodtimes Is Hot Actually. Maybe he gets a bit of “sleepover”. To, y’know, help with the trauma.

(Less flippantly, Mumbo’s explicitly acknowledging that there’s some trauma-bonding going on here and that maybe Scar needs a bit of safety and stability to get him through the night. Scar Goodtimes gets to keep his emotional support Grian, as a treat.)

“Oh!” Grian perks up at that, the top of one wing nudging against Mumbo’s elbow. Mumbo doesn’t even need to see them to read the body language written there; they’re traitorous tell-tales, every time, and he knows Grian like the back of his own hand. “Oh, a sleepover. My, my, Mumbo. How forward of you! What do you think, Scar? Are you willing to risk your good name and virtue to have a little Southlands sleepover with me and Mumbo?”

Scar shrugs one shoulder, and says nothing – but, for the first time since he walked through the front gates, that strange new half-smile of his reaches his eyes.

See, Scar genuinely thinks this is just a weird Southlands thing and/or a joke, and that Grian’s being hyperbolic. Grian is uh… not being hyperbolic. (Though possibly not for that very night, given fucking someone recently traumatised whilst they’re still partly in shock is a bad idea and also bad manners.)

#last life #last life smp #hermitshipping #scarian #grumbo #life smp tag #life smp fic #fic #florfering #i wrote about 50% of this today instead of working lmao #priorities!!!!!!#anyways here have me brainrotting about these three a little bit harder and more explicitly #and also being back on my apotheosis agenda like i always am #but only a little bit #meta #director's cut

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mythiccheroacademia · 5 years ago

Note

The whole time traveling children has me feelin some type of way tbh. Imagine Mirio, Kaminari, and Tamaki walking into their respective rooms and there are just small children vibing. Mirio with his daughter, Kaminari with a daughter and Tamaki with a son. 😭

as i said, parent!bnha is SUPERIOR

A/N: So, instead of making these separate asks, I’m just going to make it one giant post. I thought it would be easier that way. Probably the only post that’ll have more than three characters lol

Warnings: none

Kaminari Denki:

when kaminari walked into his room, he didn't expect to see two children on his bed fighting like wild animals

the younger girl was totally beating the boy’s ass tho

kinda embarrassing bc she’s gotta be like, seven, at most

as if it’s not the weirdest thing he’s seen (bc it’s not) he rushes in to break them apart

he manages to separate them with his arms

the boy with yellow hair snaps his jaws at his sister’s fingers

“hey! bad! no biting!” he scolds

the little girl blows a raspberry and taunts “yeah! papa says no biting!”

the older sibling just rolls his eyes “rat”

meanwhile, denki is literally malfunctioning

papa?

PAPA? HUH???

the only person’s pants (and heart) he’s been trying to get in to for the past three months was y/n’s and he sure as hell would remember if he did

he didn't have kids

especially one that was his age

“sorry! you two are cute, but i’m not your pops”

thus, they begin to tell denki about how they mayhaps followed him and their mother into a dangerous mission and got hit with a time travel quirk

denki just nods his head

tbh, he’s not that weirded out

weirder things have happened

but, he does have one question

“who’s the lucky woman?”

coincidentally, you bust into his dorm room, wet from a recent prank and head steaming with anger

“Kaminari Denki!”

his son juts a thumb over to you

“the woman that’s about to murder you”

“oh say less”

his life literally couldn't get any better

before you get the chance to throttle him, the little girl jumps in your arms and your anger is immediately quelled

“hey mommy! i just wanna let you know that it was [son’s name]’s fault that we followed you when you told us not to”

“WHAT!?”

you’re to busy trying to get them from killing each other to comprehend anything that’s going on

kaminari is in a love-struck gaze bc hot damn, he won the jackpot, huh?

if he wasn't in love with you before, he’s in love with you now

you and your feral children

it was nice being God’s favorite

Kirishima Eijirou:

funny thing was

kirishima woke up from his afternoon nap with his mini-me in his arms!

at first, he was really confused as to why there was an 8 yr old boy with spiky teeth and (your hair texture) black hair on his bed

he thought he was dreaming

then the little boy bit his nose and grinned like he had done the funniest thing in the world

“WAKE UP DADDY! WE GOTTA GET SWOL TODAY”

did he get hit with some duplication quirk?

and what was that he said...daddy?

as in, father?

kirishima is wide awake now, but before he can ask the kid what’s going on, the boy is up and making use of his punching bag

he decides it wouldn't hurt to get a morning work out in, so he decides to humor the kid

after a mini workout, kirishima is in near tears as the boy tries to flex the little muscles he has

eventually, he gets the kid to tell him what happened and finds out he was hit with a time travel quirk of some sort

instead of being weirded out, kirishima is ESCTATIC

he has a family in the future

he’s so excited and proud that he just has to show his son off to his friends!

the first thing he does is go and bother bakusquad in the common room

he’s bragging like shit to them and his ego swells as they all swoon over how cute and handsome the kid is

you and bakugo come out of the kitchen to see what all the commotion is about and the little boy excitedly runs to you and jumps into your arms

“momma! you’re here! you’re so pretty! why’d you marry daddy when he looks so unswol?”

it’s silent before bakugo fucking dies of laughter

“y-you finally let shitty hair hit it? and got knocked up?? LMAO”

everyone’s dying and kirishima wants to die

he can’t believe this was how his long-term crush on you was getting outted

by an 8 yr old boy

so not manly

you look confused before you put the pieces together

the kid did look like you and kirishima

you want to console kirishima about the crush that you lowkey knew he had on you, but your son was one step ahead of you

with a gracious smile, he hits bakugo’s head

hard

“what the fuck kid!?”

“don’t make fun of daddy, uncle bakugo! at least daddy didn’t faint at his wedding″

Bakugo’s contemplating murder and everyone’s rolling on the floor

“WE BEEN KNEW YOU WERE THE BIGGEST SIMP”

even ten years later, bakugo still holds a grudge against your son

Togata Mirio:

i’m about to kill y’all w this one

since year one, mirio has been feigning over you

but 1) you were too dumb to notice 2) you both were really busy with, y’know, school and 3) he lowkey gave up bc he thought you deserved better

so imagine his surprise when he sees this four year old girl on his bed

and she looks like you with his features

mirio might not be the brightest crayon in the crayon box

but he’s got eyes

and it wasn't like he’s memorized your features to the T

the tiny girl is swinging her legs absent-mindedly before exploding with happiness when he sees him

she runs to mirio and he catches her with open arms

“daddy! daddy! i got hit with the coolest quirk at school today!”

proceeds to tell him about her best friend discovered her quirk and it was a teleportation quirk

mirio can’t help but giggle along with her even tho he knew it was a scary situation for the parents

speaking of which...

he innocently asks her who’s the mom

“mommy is the prettiest mommy in the world! she has e/c eyes, hair like me, and the most beautiful s/c skin! her name is togata y/n!”

if he wasn't geeking before, he’s geeking now

not only did he manage to marry you, but you let him be your baby daddy?

him?

big bet

mirio doesn't even care at this point

he’s parading around UA with the fattest smile as he introduces his daughter to damn near everyone

everyone’s freaking out bc wtf when did mirio get someone pregnant??

maybe he should've explained himself, but he sees you at your locker and makes a b-line for you

“good morning, y/n!”

he doesn't notice that you slam your locker close and hide the confession letter you wrote to him behind your back

you’re a stuttering mess and he’s too busy basking in the fact that he’s holding y’alls child

y’all look like a mess

but he’s ready to lay it on thick when the little girl kisses your nose and cheers,

“mommy, i missed you”

he explains the situation

you cant help but smile, “you know this could potentially ruin the timeline?”

and you feel like melting as he gives you the softest smile

“there’s no way I’m letting that happen. not when i end up with the woman i’m in love with. we’ll just have to twist fate together”

and twist it you did

Tamaki Amajiki:

tamaki wasn't the bravest person ever

and he knew his crippling anxiety got in the way of a lot

but he had never been more proud of himself for managing to invite you to his room

it was supposed to be a study date

despite how bold you normally were, he took comfort in how nervous you seemed

now, you two were leaning in, about to kiss

and then a voice from behind interrupts

“uh, am i interrupting something?”

you two let out the ugliest squeal and jump 50 feet away from each other

you’re all over the place, trying to explain the situation

tamaki’s heart is barely beating at this point

it takes the kid, who looks about 16, about thirty minutes to calm you down and revive tamaki

explains that he’s from the future and a descendant of tamaki’s family

decides to leave out that you two are his parents so he doesn't risk possibly erasing himself from the space continuum

that would be bad

despite how surprised you two were, you two take it rather well

you three spend the day together bc you and tamaki feel this weird sense of responsibility for the guy even though he’s only two years younger

the boy is trying his hardest not to expose himself, but it’s so hard

you two are asking him everything from his favorite food to if he has any siblings

he’s good at pretending that he’s cool, calm, and collected, but he wants nothing more than to jump into his parents’ arms and cry about how scared he is of messing up

but he won’t

bc he’s a strong boy

but he slips up

“how far are you down the future?” tamaki asks

“uh, about like 100 years or so--”

“you’re lying”

the kid nearly chokes on his food as his father blinks at him

you try and scold tamaki but he continues

“i don’t mean to be mean, but your nose twitches when you lie. y/n does the same thing”

that’s when the jazz record stops and everyone is staring at one another

“....wait”

this time, you nearly pass out

y’all had a kid together???

THE HELL??

the boy, coincidentally, starts fading and he thinks he fucked up

now he’s full out sobbing into the both of your chests, scared that he’s disappearing

despite the news, you and tamaki calm down, look at each other, and hold your son

“don’t you worry, baby” you coo, kissing his fading hair

“i have a feeling we’ll see you quite soon” tamaki comforts, closing his eyes

Bakugo Katsuki:

bakugo finally understood when his mom said

“the meaner you are to your parents, the nastier your kids will be to you”

he regretted being such a demon bc his kid was literally the spawn of satan

katsuki didn’t need an explanation to know that that...thing was his kid

he looked damn near identical to him with features that he couldn't quite place

but anyways, that wasn't the focus rn

rn, he was trying to figure out a way to keep that animal caged

as soon as katsuki took his eyes off him, the six yr old ran out the door as fast as his little legs could carry him

“catch me if you can, you old bastard!”

yup, it was his kid

“GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE FUCKER”

his son is blasting his way through the halls, skillfully evading Katsuki’s grabbing hands

he’s wildly laughing as he flips and turns through the doors, watching with glee as his father falls on his face

multiple times

the small boy latches on to a cupboard and smirks

“no wonder mom always beats your ass! you weak!”

katsuki nearly looks like the devil, eyes white, and face red with fury

his pride suffering by the second

he’s about to cuss the kids to hell when you come out of the kitchen, confused

you were about to ask why katsuki looked like a rat with rabies before you caught sight of a basket of fruit teetering on the edge of the cabinet, above the little boy’s head

“look out--”

the basket falls on the kid’s head and he’s on the floor, reeling from the hit

katsuki would've normally laughed his ass off, but he felt kind of...concerned?

he watches you run towards the child who’s trying his hardest not to cry

the boy holds his head, fat tears in his eyes as you pick him up and coddle over him

“i’m sorry, baby. I'm sorry i didnt get there in time”

cue the waterworks

the boy is full-on sobbing into your chest about how his head hurts

you bounce him and kiss his forehead as katsuki checks over the red bump

“you’ll be okay, brat” he comforts, voice softer than usual

in that moment, katsuki can’t help but notice how much a family y’all look like rn

then the dots start connecting and he goes

oh shit

so, maybe, he’s had a tiny crush on you

and it didn’t help that you two were friends with benefits bc yall were horny teenagers

but who knew he’d get the balls to ask you out on a proper date one day

he was such a simp for you gosh it was ugly

“you have to be more careful from now on,” you say to the boy

the brat suddenly looks innocent and katsuki wants to throw him

“sorry, mommy. i’ll be gooder”

the look on your face is priceless

bakugo uses it as a chance to kiss you

“huh?”

“i guess now’s a good time to tell you that i want to be your dick on demand but with feelings and shit, dumbass”

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spicycreativity · 3 years ago

Text

Soft-Shoe Shuffle - Ch 1

Chapter: 1/12 Rating: T (for language) Content Warnings: Canon-typical Remus content. This chapter only: alcohol use Characters: All Pairings: Moceit, background Prinxiety, background Intrulogical (yes I played a little game of "pair the spares") Additional Tags: Hey it's the fic I published on Anon because I was embarrassed of how utterly pretentious it is!, post-PoF, sickfic, dirty poetry, humor interspersed with philosophy and Janus-typical pontification, this is VERY speculative and will get Jossed in the future lmao Summary: After claiming his place in the Light and coming face-to-face with the consequences of his actions, Janus finds himself unwillingly re-calibrating his moral compass. For selfish reasons, of course. But one apology snowballs into several, and soon he's running around the Mindscape with a low-grade fever and a guilty conscience as he desperately tries to regain some sense of self. Oh, and he's definitely not falling in love with Patton, so don't even bring it up. One Last Note: I wrote this in an ADHD fugue state. It is HEAVILY influenced by Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment, but there are also references to poetry and various other works of literature. I also deliberately used symbols, themes, and motifs. Most of them are pretty in your face except for the recurring ouroboros, which is used as a symbol of rebirth. ...Told you it was pretentious.

When you wake up to the promise of your dream world comin' true With one less friend to call on, was it someone that I knew? Away you will go sailing in a race among the ruins If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon

Janus appeared in the Dark side of the Mindscape, elation swelling in his chest. Even the ringing headache and bitter taste in his mouth couldn't hollow the unfamiliar triumph that warmed him to the core. Caught up in his own thoughts, it took a moment for him to register the sight before him: Remus, upside-down on the couch, his brow furrowed and face an alarming shade of purple.

For a moment, Janus stood stock-still as he tried to get his bearings. He must have been more flustered than he'd realized-- He'd been aiming for his bedroom.

But here he was, staring down at Remus, who was definitely going to burst a blood vessel (or several) if he didn't flip over soon.

"That's not horrifying at all," Janus said, thinking it would be rude to dismiss Remus, especially since he had probably been eavesdropping. He had likely heard everything. Everything. Even the ugly parts.

"Do you remember when Thomas read that post about Nutty Putty Cave?" Remus asked in a strained, strangled voice. "That spelunker who died because he got stuck upside-down?"

"No," Janus said, before realizing his mistake. "Yes." He definitely wanted Remus to remind him of the gory details.

"That's what I thought," Remus said with a wicked grin.

Janus sighed through his nose. Remus, though he thrived on attention, seemed content enough to continue his experiment by himself. On the other hand, if Janus didn't bring up a certain insult he'd levied at Roman, Remus most certainly would, and at a time where it would cause the most upset and turmoil. Better for Janus to deal with it now, even if he would have to fight the tension pulling his muscles taut. He wanted to dance. He wanted to scream.

Hesitation proved to be Janus' downfall, and by the time he'd opened his mouth to broach the subject at hand, Remus had beaten him to the blow. "You're not usually this quiet, Oralboros. Snake got your tongue?"

Janus, again, sighed. Rather than answer, he doffed his hat, set it on the coffee table, and clumsily arranged himself upside-down next to Remus. The change in position immediately made his head throb. He ignored it. "I definitely meant it when I called you 'evil'."

Remus' eyes widened in faux-shock. "You called me evil ?" he shrieked, voice ringing out high and clear. "Me? How dare you. I'm an angel!"

At least Remus was taking it well. "Sarcasm is my thing," Janus said, realizing that he might make it out of this without having to properly apologize.

For some reason, Patton's face flashed into his mind, and a subsequent twinge of guilt made his tongue go sour. Fine. If there was ever a time to start telling uncomfortable truths… "But I am sorry I said that."

"Wow!" Remus laughed. "You must be upset." A red stain began to spill across his left eye. "You don't apologize."

"It’s not like I care about your feelings or anything." Janus would have liked to have drawn himself up to his full height, but it was impossible to do while upside-down. "As much as I'm enjoying watching your blood vessels slowly burst, would you please turn over before you hurt yourself? I've suffered enough psychological trauma for today."

"Oh, fine." Remus kicked his legs and landed neatly on his toes like a gymnast.

Janus, by contrast, got his arms tangled in his capelet and nearly folded himself in half before he found his balance again. "I meant to do that," he said, turning to grab his hat so Remus wouldn't see the blush on his face.

The sudden sensation of blood draining from his head made the room whirl. He steadied himself against Remus' shoulder until it slowed somewhat, but nothing could dampen the horrible ringing in his ears.

"Well," he said, adjusting his shirt. The sudden appearance of his conscience had taken the wind out of his sails more than he cared to admit, and all thoughts of dancing bled out of him along with a good deal of energy. "I'm not going to go scream into my pillows until I tire myself out."

"Being an agent of chaos is hard work," Remus said with a sage nod, "but that doesn't sound very relaxing, Mr Self Care."

"It's a form of meditation, if you think about it," Janus said.

Remus made a face. "You know I don't do that."

"...Meditate?"

"No, think."

"Ah. Well." Janus made only a token attempt to hide his fond smile. "Good night, Remus. Please stay up late and injure yourself."

"Can do, Snakeypoo.”

Janus turned. It was close enough, he might as well walk to his bedroom, especially considering how well his last attempt at appearing in it had gone.

The reason why that had been so difficult became apparent in mere moments. Janus froze in the hall and dropped to his knees at the giddy wave of horror and delight that made him too light-headed to stand.

He knelt in front of the empty stretch of wall where his door had been previously. Heat flooded his face.

"Jay?" The rounded toes of Remus' boots appeared in his line of sight. Janus zeroed in on them, the mud splatters and stains on the soft leather. "You have an aneurysm or what?"

Janus, unable to speak, motioned for Remus to turn around. He couldn't deal with this right now.

"Ohhh," said Remus. "Well. Good luck with that ." He hauled Janus to his feet. "So you're a boner fide good guy now, huh?"

Janus stared over Remus' shoulder at the empty stretch of wall where his door used to be. "That depends entirely on who you ask."

Remus shrugged and rose up on his toes. "You can scream into my pillows instead, if you want."

"As tempting as that is…" Janus trailed off, his eyes still fixed on the wall. It was tempting, despite the constant chaos in Remus' room. But he'd have to face the Light side sooner or later. It wasn't like he could move his room back, not without psychologically damaging Thomas and undoing all the work he'd done. "I'm really looking forward to getting insulted some more."

"Alright," Remus said with a shrug. "Try not to throw me under the bus this time, alright? Unless it's a real bus…" His gaze became dreamy, unfocused. "And it's doing 50 in a school zone and there's a whole pack of screaming kids in the crosswalk--"

"Goodbye, Remus." Janus turned and left.

The barrier between the "dark" and the "light" sides of Thomas' brain had been a joint venture. It would have been there in some form no matter what, but it was Janus and Roman (with Patton's tacit blessing) who had worked to put up something more physical between them.

Janus ducked under the red curtain, trepidation percolating in his stomach, but what he found on the other side was anticlimactic to say the least: It was dead silent on this side of the barrier.

Janus wasn't sure what he'd been expecting. He knew by now that the so-called "Lights" had issues working out their interpersonal issues, and this most recent conflict wasn't the kind of thing you just got over. It did follow that they would all go off to lick their wounds for a time.

Hesitantly, toe-to-heel, Janus crept down the hall. It felt for all the world like he was sneaking around a vast hotel, right down to needlessly ornate design on the plush carpeting. That was probably Roman's doing.

Janus focused, trying to call the Mindscape to work for him. He wanted to go to his room.

The Mindscape listened. Janus turned a corner and found a row of doors stretching down yet another brightly-lit corridor. His eye was immediately drawn, not to the brilliant yellow of his own door, but to the figure huddled in front of it: Patton sat with his arms wrapped around his legs, forehead resting on his knees.

"Looking for someone?" Janus asked, slightly louder than necessary.

Patton jerked his head up. "Oh! Janus!" He plastered an unconvincing smile on his face. "You sure pop star-tled me."

Scaring Patton hadn't brought Janus nearly the level of schadenfreude he'd thought it would. He crossed his arms over his chest, extending a third to help Patton up. "Take your time getting to the point.”

"Oh." Patton accepted Janus' proffered hand and got to his feet. Warmth spilled from him, permeating the fabric of Janus' glove and gently heating his palm. "Well, it's just…" He took a deep breath. "I noticed your door and I thought-- Well, I wanted to make you feel welcome!"

A high-pitched tone resonated in Janus' skull. He bit down on the inside of his cheek to keep from wincing at the mounting pressure-pain-exhaustion in his temples. "Aren't you just a saint ." Patton's face fell. Janus fought the urge to swear aloud. He usually had a better handle on himself, and he knew better than to alienate potential allies. "I mean, thank you, Patton. Truly. I appreciate it." Patton had proven himself useful. Janus should at least cultivate that relationship, even if it meant a little discomfort.

"Have you eaten?" Patton asked. "It's a little late, but I could make something if you wanted." He paused. "Maybe we could play cards or something." Another pause. "O-only if you want to, I mean."

Janus let his face remain impassive even as he internally cringed at the idea of staying awake for even another second. It would be so easy to brush Patton off with a few honeyed words and disappear beyond the barrier of his door. But Patton had stood up for him today, or at least he'd tried to. Janus sighed. Quid pro quo. "That sounds like an utter waste of time."

"Are you… I'm sorry, sometimes I can't tell when you're…"

"Yes, Patton. That sounds lovely."

Patton actually hopped in place, an adorable little jig that absolutely didn't send a confusing little shockwave of fondness through Janus' ribcage. "Really?"

"Really," Janus lied.

He followed Patton down the hall into the living room, which opened into the dining room and the kitchen. Janus studied his surroundings, trying to take in as much as his exhausted faculties would allow. Even in the absence of other Sides, the living room felt warm and welcoming. All the lights were on, and they bathed everything in gentle golden light .

"You're awfully quiet," Patton said.

Janus shook himself. "I was just getting my bearings."

"I guess you've never really been over here, huh?" Pattton opened the refrigerator. Was he actually going to cook , instead of just manifesting something? How quaint. "Do you like grilled cheese?"

It had been a long, confusing day. Doublespeak came to Janus as naturally as breathing, but he was obviously running circles around Patton even when he wasn't trying to. "Yes," he said, hoping to telegraph his sincerity by not emoting at all.

It seemed to work. Patton studied him for a moment before turning back to the fridge. "Then that's what I'll make."

Janus took advantage of this temporary distraction to clamber onto one of the barstools. The slick velvet of his capelet tended to disagree with surfaces like wood and vinyl, and he needed a moment to arrange things so he didn't look as unbalanced as he felt.

He watched Patton work in the kitchen, a detached coolness washing out the scene. Quid pro quo, he reminded himself when he felt his facade begin to slip. He owed Patton this.

He certainly didn't feel the slightest twinge of guilt, that he had been the one to orchestrate this breakdown. Yes, the Light Sides had loaded the gun, but in the end it was Janus who had pulled the trigger.

He shook his head and thought about playing cards, good Bicycle playing cards with holes punched through them like they'd come from a casino. "What should we play?" he asked, pulling the deck from his breast pocket.

Patton looked up from the stovetop, his eyes flicking to the cards in Janus' hand. "Do you know Kings in the Corners?"

"Not personally, no."

Patton laughed, but there was something cold about it. "It's really simple," he said. "I'll show you how to play and you can tell me if you like it."

It was nearly impossible to cheat at Kings in the Corners. Janus doubted this had been a calculated measure on Patton's part, doubted he had the capacity for that kind of foresight, but he respected it just the same.

They played in funereal silence, staring each other down across the light wood of the dining room table. Janus, ill-inclined to take off his gloves, utilized a napkin to keep from staining them with melted butter from the grilled cheese Patton had made. Neither one of them smiled. Neither one of them spoke.

Janus pulled a card from the deck to indicate the end of his turn and glanced up at Patton. His face was somber, almost sorrowful, and it clashed against the gentle domesticity of the dining room, with its floral table runner and mismatched placemats.

Janus started to laugh.

"What is it?" Patton asked, cheeks darkening. "What? Do I have something on my face?"

Janus swallowed down another peal of laughter and cleared his throat, unable to wholly restrain the smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "You look like I’m holding you here at gunpoint." It was somewhat ironic, considering Janus was the one who felt like he couldn't leave.

"What?" Patton smiled, but it was more akin to an offering than an expression of joy.

"It’s not really funny. " Janus wasn’t quite sure how to make Patton understand.

Patton sat back with a sigh, placing his cards facedown on the table. "But I guess it is pretty funny, huh? In a really sad way."

Janus almost asked what was sad about it before realizing that Patton probably missed his friends. Instead he said, "Yes" and stifled a yawn behind his free hand.

"I'll make coffee!" Patton leapt to his feet and was off to the kitchen before Janus could so much as blink.

The newfound solitude made it that much harder for Janus to ignore his headache, which had only worsened in the hour or so he'd been playing cards with Patton. Despite the nonchalant facade he'd tried so hard to project, he'd been holding himself tense.

Maybe the night (or morning, at this point) would be easier to tolerate if he had, say, a bit of gold rum.

The corner of a flask dug into Janus' hip. He smiled.

"Just how late are you planning on staying up?" he asked Patton when the latter returned holding two mismatched mugs.

"Oh, I don't know," Patton said. Lied. He set a mug down in front of Janus and then resumed his seat, the cards forgotten by his elbow. "I'm… A little scared of what tomorrow will be like."

Janus eased the flask out of his pocket. "Rum?"

"Oh, um," Patton said, staring at the flask. "I don't know…"

Janus raised an eyebrow, working something out. He landed on it a millisecond later: Patton wanted to be convinced. Easy enough. Janus opened the flask and poured what he hoped was a shot into his own mug. It was black, he noticed, except for the yellow snake that wrapped around it, its tail firmly in its own mouth. Ouroboros. "Surely you don't intend to make me drink alone?"

As Janus had expected, Patton buckled the second he was pushed. "I guess not."

It was funny, Janus mused as he carefully tipped rum into Patton's coffee, how lying was only off-limits when Janus suggested it. Hilarious.

But now wasn't the time for bitterness, now was the time to repay the debt he owed Patton. "Cheers," he said, pocketing the flask once more.

"Cheers."

Janus sipped his coffee. "You put milk in this," he observed.

Patton's smile was surprisingly sly. "I know you want me to think you take it black. Virgil did too, at first. I know you ‘Dark Sides’ have an image you like to uphold."

"And how does Virgil take his coffee now?" Janus asked, lifting an eyebrow.

"With Snickers-flavored creamer."

"Well, I do take my coffee black," Janus lied.

Patton's smile never faltered. "We'll see, kid-- Uh, Janus."

"Patton," Janus said, before he could start thinking about the implications of Patton wanting to call him 'kiddo,' "you are planning on sleeping tonight, aren't you?"

"Maybe eventually," Patton said, suddenly unable to look Janus in the eye. "At some point."

"Tomorrow will come whether or not you sleep. It's definitely better to pull an all-nighter and feel like garbage instead of facing everything with a clear head."

"I know." Patton leaned forward so he could rest his head on his hand.

For a moment, Janus was tempted to mirror him. Sitting up straight was becoming quite the chore. "I know how the others love a calm, rational discussion."

"Oh, I wish." Patton's expression turned wistful.

Janus stifled a yawn behind his hand. He had half-expected the coffee to counteract the depressant effect of the alcohol, but all he had to show for the combination was a racing heart.

"I'll be fine out here if you want to go to bed," Patton said. Without seeming to realize he was doing it, he brought his hand to his mouth and bit down on his thumbnail.

It was a tempting offer. A day ago, Janus would have taken it. After all, it wasn't like he cared about Patton outside of professional courtesy. They weren't friends. But guilt nagged at him and wouldn't let him entertain the idea of abandoning Patton for longer than a second.

"That's a remarkable impression of a window," Janus said, waiting for Patton to look confused before elaborating, "I can see right through you."

"You got me." Patton smiled sadly. "That's something I've always admired about you, Janus."

Now it was Janus' turn to be confused. "What?"

"You're so… clever."

Janus narrowed his eyes. "Please do keep trying to change the subject."

"It's just… I don't want to have to lie there and, and think about today and everything I did wrong. I hurt Thomas. I hurt my friends." Patton's eyes were shiny behind his glasses; the unshed tears sparkled in the light when he locked eyes with Janus. "Aren't you going to think about the same thing?"

Anger flared, perhaps prematurely, in Janus' chest. "About what you did wrong today?"

"About what you did wrong," Patton said timidly.

"I," Janus said icily, "didn't do anything wrong." He stared Patton down across the table, jaw set, daring him to push back. Let him lecture and nag, let him prove that he hadn't changed no matter what he said.

But Patton only nodded, his face lined with misery. "Okay," he softly. "I think you're right, Janus. We should go to bed."

Janus thought about how much faster he could get to bed if the table was cleared, and all the dishes and cards vanished in a blink.

"Um, Janus?" Patton said.

"Yes?"

"I don't regret everything that happened today."

"Oh?"

Patton only nodded and sank out.

Janus made a beeline for his own room; better to find his way there on foot rather than risk appearing in the wrong spot.

Once inside, he looked around to ensure nothing was amiss, eyes roving over the dark wood of his bookshelves and desk, his mirrored closet doors, the leather armchairs across from his bed.

Everything was exactly as Janus had left it. He nodded, satisfied, set his hat on the nightstand, and sprawled out of top of the covers without bothering to further undress.

One hazy thought crawled to the surface of his mind before he fell asleep: At least he wouldn't be one of the regrets haunting Patton tonight.

#sanders sides #sanders sides fanfiction #janus sanders #moceit #spicywrites soft-shoe shuffle #song featured is: race among the ruins - gordon lightfoot #pics are free to use from unsplash and wikimedia commons

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vlogsquadssquad · 4 years ago

Text

Secure 2

summary: Charlie confesses his feelings and reader has to decide if that's what she wants, or if another guy has her *attention*

a/n: i’m honestly BLOWN away at part 1′s feedback. y'all really loved it so Ive been working on this all day, I hope its everything youve been waiting for! thank you to my new followers, ive been writing for a bit for fun and no one was reading my stories but after the reaction for the last story I was so motivated to write. I have A LOT more ideas and even an idea for a part 3 with smut and maybe even reader having to tell the boy she didn't choose the bad news, who knooowwsss. send me in suggestions!

warnings: language, alluding to smut at the end.

mood board:

-- YOUR POV

my life has been the most fun lately. ive been hanging out with David and he really gets me to let loose. he's always trying to top his last video which is so fun to be a part of. even if we wait around the house all day. tonight im alone though. I told him I needed to get some writing down for the last song of my album. I want it to be about being happy with yourself and secure with who you are. that you don't need another person to define who you are. but im having trouble putting that into words that rhyme. maybe I should just see what David is up to.

- daveyy (:

hey, I know I said I was busy but my mind is too cluttered and im curious what the vlog squad is up to 😉 >

< hahaa nothing actually. im by myself at the house tonight. really boring. watching movies ive seen dozens of times.

oh no! your friends realize they were too cool for you? >

< probably lmao. what are you up to?

trying to finish this last song but I can't think straight >

hey would you wanna come over? its ok if you're too busy being alone watching 50 first dates lol >

< how'd you know? 😅 id love to. chipotle?

- end texts -

“hey, loser” I say as he walks in with our food and... is that ice cream? “wait, did you get ice cream?”

“yeah, I got your favorite flavor!” he says with a smile. my heart aches at the kind gesture. “wow your house is so nice” he sets the food on my counter as he glances around.

“thank you, im really into interior design... and nice houses” i joke as i examine the ice cream David got for me. he chuckles as he gets my food out of the bag and sets it up in my living room. I put on a movie to watch but we end up muting it and just talking instead. our conversations just seem to flow. “what's a memory that stands out to you from your childhood?” I ask him. “there's so many things,” he puts his arm around the back of my couch as we sit sideways to face each other. we finished eating forever ago. “probably just all of high school. I learned so much, from my friends and my teachers. nothing academically, obviously.” he laughs. I smile to him and run my fingers through my hair. he watches my movements and for a moment its quiet.

“I think you're really smart.” I say finally. “I love how you push me, you're always there for me, and you just come up with the best ideas. you're so creative.”

“wow. what did I do to deserve your kindness?” he asks with a slight laugh.

“I can think of a few things.” our conversation became much lighter after that. after a while we went into my home studio and he helped me write. the night was filled with jokes and endless laughing but also had serious moments too. I shared very personal details about my life. but the best thing of all was that there was no camera in sight. it was just friends being friends. no clickbait. no underlying purpose for the long stay. it was perfect.

-- next day

“hey y/n could I come over and talk?” Charlie asked over the phone.

“sure, I don't have anything planned till tonight.”

“ok be there in 20.”

“what's the sudden emergency?” I ask as he walks in the door.

“there's just something I've been wanting to confess for a really long time and i’m not sure-”

“its ok Charlie, what is it?”

“I think I'm in love with you.”

my heart dropped. Im frozen in time. I don't need a relationship right now and I sure as hell can't lose my friendship with Charlie.

“I don't know what to say...”

“say you love me too!” he moves closer to me “I know you do! you always want to be around me, have me close to you, we talk all night. I know you feel it.”

I look at him with a blank expression.

“I honestly don't. I've never thought of you that way, and I'm really enjoying being single. for once in my life I'm not letting the pressure of having someone on my arm get to me, I don't need this right now, I-”

“what..? y/n. don't do this.”

“I'm not doing anything it's just the truth.” I look to the ground as his eyes fill with tears. “I think you should go.” I say.

-- DAVIDS POV, that night

- y/n/n 😋

you're still coming to my party tonight right? >

< I wouldn't miss it! so proud of you! ❤️

tonight was my party to celebrate my new show. I haven't told the fans yet but this vlog will be my announcement. we start filming for it on Monday and I've never been more excited. its exactly what I've been dreaming of all my life.

the party started to kick off and all my friends slowly started showing up. Charlie was going to perform his unreleased song tonight and everyone was already talking about it.

“hey have you heard anything from y/n and Charlie? are they dating?” Ilya comes up and whispers to me.

“no man, I haven't heard anything. I was with y/n all night last night and I wasn't exactly begging her to give me details but we did talk for hours about random stuff and she never brought him up or texted anyone. I don't know they might not be.” I say with hope shining through the cracks of my voice.

“I can just ask Charlie?” Ilya offers. he's such a good friend when it matters.

I nod and then head to get something to drink. y/n still wasn't here and I was getting antsy.

just then I hear Natalie let someone in. I peak around the corner and see y/n. she looks drop dead gorgeous. i’ve never seen her dressed up like that. I think she saw right through me and asked if she had something on her face.

“no, no, I just have never seen you dressed like that. you look great.” I look to the floor. no way she and Charlie aren't an item. they both love music and they're both flawless people. they're a match made in heaven.

“well, thank you, cowboy.” she says in a funny southern accent. she was so weird. she came in for a hug and she smelled exactly like when I first met her. I put my hand on the small of her back and for a split second I felt her push more into me.

“so where can I get a drink?” she asked as we pulled apart.

“a drink?” I ask

“yes, i’ve had a bizarre day and I need a drink.”

Im about to ask her what she means when I hear Charlie from behind me

“hey, babe, you're late.” he says to y/n as he pulls her into a hug. she almost looks uncomfortable. “hey Charles, how are you?”

“i’m great, i’ve had several drinks and im thinking much clearly-er now”

“I can smell that” she chuckles

I hand her her favorite drink and ask her if she finished the song. after a short conversation Charlie pulls her to the couch where some other friends are doing karaoke. she's basically sitting on his lap and laughing. I grab my camera and record a little outside trying to not think about it.

-- YOUR POV

I honestly think drunk Charlie has forgotten about our conversation from earlier. which i’m relieved because sometimes I just need good ol Charlie and not this new one that was in love with me. sure he's a little touchy but we were always close like that.

“alright I promised David I would perform an unreleased song tonight. come on I want you to hear it.” he grabs my hand pulls me up. I have a gut feeling I don't want to be here for it.

David set up the mic outside and everyone found a seat. David sat next to me with camera in hand.

“alright alright” Charlie starts. “hopefully I don't forget the lyrics since i’m a little buzzed.” the audience laughed. “but this song means a lot to me, and I wrote it with someone in mind. someone who has changed my life for the better and made me a better man.”

oh god, please don't say my name

“y/n. you are everything to me. I wouldn't be able to be who I am today without you.”

everyone looks to me as the music starts. a love song. i place my head in my hands and David nudges me. “you ok?” he whispers.

“can you please get me out of here?” he nods his head and stands up. Charlie is looking down at his guitar lost in his music. I feel bad leaving but how could he not take no as an answer? I follow David out the door and my head is down in shame. he closes the patio door and turns to me. “what is going on? I thought you guys were dating?”

“oh god, not you too.” I groan. “just please I need to be anywhere but here right now. fast.”

“okay. let’s go.”

we go to his garage and he looks at me.

“you said fast!” he shrugs as he opens the passenger Ferrari door for me. I laugh with my head thrown back “true. but im going to need a jacket or blanket.”

“here, use mine.” he took off his hoodie and handed it to me. I hopped in the car and we were off.

“anywhere in mind?” he asks as we pull out of the neighborhood.

“nope,” I smile. “im kinda hungry though”

“alright,” he turns the car at the light. “then we’re gonna make this worth our while. I know an overly expensive place with great burgers.”

I laugh at him as my hair blows in the wind “yes! lets spend all your money!” I lift my arms and scream. David just laughs at me. we speed down the highways. ive never felt so free.

we finally arrive to the place and get seated.

“so do you wanna tell me why we left my party now?”

“i’m sorry by the way. I didn't mean to drag you from your party but...” I look down and pick at my napkin “Charlie confessed his feelings for me this afternoon.” David looked at me confused.

“isn't that a good thing?” he asked.

“not if I don't feel the same way.” I sigh and David looks surprised. “I was very clear about my feelings- or lack of. but he had been hitting on me all night and then the song. I know he was drunk but im really worried for my friendship with him.”

“I can't believe my ears.” he said almost laughing. “you, y/f/n, don't like the guy who seems like he was sent down from the heavens for you?”

“nope. he just isn't my type I guess, I don't know. I never really thought of him that way and I don't want to.”

“wow, no one will be up to your standards will they?” David laughs as he takes a drink.

“the right guy will be.”

perfect timing. the waitress comes over with our food. we thank her and get eating. he was right. best. burgers. ever!

I moan as I take another bite.

David looks me up and down with his cheeks full of burger and chuckles. “okay, y/n, calm down. it isn't no Charlie puth.”

I gasp and throw a fry at him playfully, laughing. “no... no it is not!” we both laugh harder. as we finish up David pays despite my best efforts and we head to my house so he can drop me off. the car ride was fun, we listened to all the hits and sang our hearts out. we got tons of funny looks, but nothing mattered. I grabbed his vlog camera he threw to the side and recorded him singing and then popped myself into frame and had the camera aimed at both of us. our hair was crazy and the night was wearing down on us but it didn't matter. we were just happy to be alive.

as we pulled into my driveway and David put the car in park, I looked to him. “you wanna walk me to my door?”

“already on it.”

he came around and opened the car door for me and walked me up to my door.

“thank you for tonight. it was like out of a movie. I really needed it.” I was talking softly now since it was the dead of the night and the only thing heard was the crickets.

“anytime, y/n.” David also said softly. he kept looking to my lips which made my heart beat faster every time. I know I said I didn't need a guy, but he just looks too good.

“and congrats on your show, I'm really proud of you.” I step closer.

“thank you, congrats on staying single another night.” he joked but had his hands gently placed on my forearm.

“its still early.” I whisper closer to his face now. I can feel his breath and he can feel mine. my heart is going a million beats a minute and the butterflies in my stomach are in a tornado.

“I can't write a song about you, but I can buy you more expensive burgers.”

I laugh leaning my head on his shoulder. “that's all a girl needs anyways.”

he laughs too but gently. I look up at him and his eyes are locked on mine. he places a hand on my cheek and then lower to my neck. I take a sharp breath in and connect our lips. his lips are soft, sweet, and gentle. I pull my arms up around his neck and deepen the kiss. I feel his hands slide down my back to just above my ass. I move my head to the side and open my mouth gently. he knows what to do and opens his mouth too. I feel his tongue dominate my mouth. he retracts and I close my mouth only to bite his bottom lip and then pull away. I let go and we put our foreheads together breathing heavily.

“I could do that again.” he says.

“wanna come inside?” I whisper, my hands now playing with his hairs at the end of his neck.

“best party ever.” he laughs and I pull him inside. I don't know what im supposed to tell Charlie. the heart wants what it wants?

#David dobrik #david dobrik fanfiction #david dobrik x reader #david dobrik vlogs #David dobrik fanfic #vlog squad #vlog squad fan fiction #David dobrik imagine #vlog squad imagine #Charlie puth #Charlie puth fanfic

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fairy-made · 4 years ago

Text

my software development professor sent out an email like a bunch of yall cheated and used code you found online for this program so come forward by the end of today if you want the consequences to be less severe.

This is long bc Im a bit pissed off and had an experience with shit like this before.

I didnt cheat, she gave us instructions on how to set it up and we had done something similar for the last exam. so I shouldnt have anything to worry about because its not like she asked us to do something completely new that would even warrant needing outside help.

but do you know how stressful it is to be sent this shit as soon as I wake up on what is supposed to be a “break” day before finals. like I KNOW I didnt have to look anywhere else for help because it was pretty straightforward. I know I only used what we were shown in class. but for anybody with fucking anxiety its like, oh god do I have to be prepared to defend myself??? will I get a fucking email a week from now like “you failed and are being expelled bc your work was kinda like theirs lol”

I mean she said it was very distinct from how we were shown to do it. but what does that mean. if you wrote one line differently youre instantly a cheater?

I hate this. she couldve just emailed the people she thought were responsible. why the fuck would you subject 50 people to this kind of fear if idk like 10 people were responsible.

and then I dont wanna email her and be like “what the FUCK are you talking about” cuz then I might be perceived as one of the guilty people ://////

hopefully I get to tell her to be more direct about this shit in the course evaluation and Im not one of the ppl shes talking about so I get put on the chopping block before the shit would even matter... lmao.

Ive already been accused of cheating or plagiarism once in another class because I cited a source wrong. instead of citing every sentence I cited the end of the section, and she went on an on in class about how this person was awful and did this intentionally, meanwhile ALL my profs beforehand told me “do not cite every sentence, I want you to show your sources but dont go overboard. if you do I will hit you over the head” and yeah I hate professors bc of shit like this bc for whatever reason were supposed to be citing with different levels of intensity???? and that got me in trouble with the prof who did want you to cite every sentence. what a crock of shit. college is a crock of shit. universities and professors are full of shit.

anyway yeah I think I should just chill bc I didnt cheat and ik I didnt but who the fuck knows. I was chilling in that other class till she was like. YOU. YOU DID THIS. and Im like...... all this.......... was because I cited every 2-3 sentences instead of every 1................................................................. you made it seem like I cited none................at all.........................

I looked today right after she sent this email and theres a chegg question of our assignment, but of course I cant fucking see the solution bc I dont pay for the question/answer homework help service. if it does come down to this I hope to god that will be enough.

#why do I even have to be worried about this at all lmao #personal

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earnest-jumping · 4 years ago

Note

For the asks— do all the even numbers!

107.58

That’s so long, fuck- ok here we go!

2. I am outgoing until I can’t mask anymore, or I have a sensory overload.

4 I like to think I am easy to get along with!

6 ,,,Attracted as in romantically? I have no idea. But in a platonic way, similar interests, concern for my wellbeing and happiness, understanding and knowing of my limits and able to compromise!

8 Real life, no one. But Drake Mallard lives rent free in my mind

10 My roommate! We are very similar in many ways and we have some similar backgrounds, so we talk often about them and everything going on right now as well.

12 current 5 favorite songs: Vices by Mothica, Garden Song by Phoebe Bridgers, A Letter To Time by Livingston, Peace by Taylor Swift, and Cherry Wine by Hozier!

14 I believe in miracles. This world is too random and spontaneous for things people deem miracles to not be, ya know? But I don’t believe in luck. Circumstance plays into it, as well as pure chance.

16 Oh, fuck no. I would not kiss them again

18 My guy I can’t even tell you what was really a crush and what was heteronormativity forced on me from grade school onward. So... no?

20 I live in a dorm and I fuckin love my neighbors rn. On one side they’re both enby like me, and on the other they’re super sweet and polite!

22 I really want to visit Europe. Classic american answer, yeah, but I love history and theirs is so much more interesting than ours

24 My favorote part of my daily routine (that is consistent, student teaching and classes are nuts) is spending time doing homework and hanging out with my roommate at the end of each day, before she goes in to work the night shift. It’s calm and gives us a chance to catch up!

26 When I wake up I usually groan and fall back asleep for another ten minutes. I make sure to have a few alarms set so I don’t sleep through the morning!

28 My roommate. We’ve known each other for three years and she doesn’t judge me or make me feel uncomfy- it’s really nice as someone with autism to be able to live in close, constant contact with someone who you trust and are comfortable around!

30 Hmm...maybe? Marriage isn’t something I’ve ever truly thought about in a realistic sense- sure, I’d imagine a wedding and what mine would look like if I had one. But I’ve never imagined actually GETTING married to someone.

32 I will not have a threesome with celebrities because I am ~traumatised~ and do not like sexual intimacy

34 I don’t play sports, but when I was little I was part of a gymnastics class!

36 I have indeed liked someone and never told them. It was honestly for the better lmao

38 I don’t think I can really describe a dream person? I’m not very keen on having a list to check off when looking for a partner. If anything, though, I’d say trustworthy and caring.

40 I’m already out of high school lol. I’m in my junior year majoring in Early Childhood/Special Education!

42 Being extremely quiet for me usually means sensory overload, depressive thoughts, or my rejection sensitive dysphoria rearing its ugly head. Most of the time its a mix of the three.

44 Trip to puter space > bottom of the ocean, any day. DEEP SEA SCARES ME!

46 I’m paranoid that everything I’ve ever done in my life is all for naught, and I’ve faked everything about myself subconsciously.

48 I have been drunk before! My seven year old self accidentally drank a full margarita instead of the kiddie version my grandma made with sprite instead of alcohol.

50 The color of the last hoodie I wore was grey!

52 One thing I wish I could change about myself is I wish I didn’t have so much weight. It’s not fun trying to navigate the world as an afab nonbinary person with people telling you it’s “just because you don’t like your body”.

54 My favorite store is Walmart for groceries (broke college students holla) and Torrid for clothes! (They have cuter stuff than anywhere else, and carry my size always)

56 My favorite color is Blue! Kind of a dark sky blue, like sky blue 3 or 4

58 I just had some Hershey’s candy drops as the last thing I ate!

60 In fourth and fifth grade I won two school writing competitions and got a trophy for it 😌 I wrote about the Titanic (thank you special interest)!

62 I have never been arrested, and I’m not planning on it any time soon lol

64 My first kiss was a dare and I hated every second of it cause the guy was an ass about it until it happened (he’d been badgering me for weeks)

66 Uhh I’m gonna be honest and say no? As much as I love my tumblr friends (ayy hi guys) I’ve known my friends in real life for longer and those bonds are just, amazing and so strong.

68 Tumblr > Twitter, any day.

70 my best friends’ names are: Emili, Autumn, Maggie, and Erin

72 My towels are grey

74 I have many stuffed animals- uh probably seven or eight.

76 Not answering this one lmao

78 My favorote ice cream clavor is Graham Central Station from this place called Bruster’s! It’s really good.

80 I am wearing blue pajama pants because ~comfy~

82 My favorite movie is Coraline! I watch it repeatedly

84 Mean Girls > 21 Jump Street

86 Nemo is my favorite character from Finding Nemo!

88 The last person I talked to today was my roommate

90 I love my baby brother Reid!

92 I am not currently in a fight with anyone.

94 I own three sweaters/hoodies- I need to get more!

96 My favorote actress is and always will be Kiera Knightley.

98 I do not tan a lot- naturally or artificially. I just burn #whitepeopleproblems

100 I am feeling *tired*. A bitch is exhausted today

102 I regret everything from my past

104 I don’t tend to miss people that much? I’m not good with emotional connections to people that last after they’re gone.

106 I feel like I’ve broken my mother’s heart- for coming out, for rebelling, etc.

108 I should be working on homework but I am not.

110 I have indeed liked someone so much it hurt- in the sense that liking them was not good for me and led to a lot of heartache.

112 The last person I cried in front of was my parents, and it was not on purpose lmao

114 I’ve been out of my state lots- Florida, South and North Carolina, West Virgina, Delaware, Massachusetts.

116 Nope, not currently listening to music.

118 I fuckin LOVE chinese food

120 I used to be afraid of the dark, not anymore. I love it now.

122 Cheating is NEVER okay.

124 I do not believe in love at first sight- I barely believe in love 🤷🏼

126 I am indeed currently bored

128 I would love to change my name- legally and personally. I’m not sure “Ryn” is suitable anymore

130 I don’t like subway. Not a fan of sub sandwiches

132 The last person I had a deep conversation with is my roommate

134 Pfft, no. I can’t count to one million my brain wouldn’t focus that long

136 Due to the fact I live in a community dorm hall, I sleep with my door closed and ~locked~

138 Straight hair

140 Winter > Summer

142 My favorite month is October! Atlanta Pride, my birthday, and Halloween! Plus it starts getting colder!

144 Dark>Milk>White chocolate, in that order

146 Since it’s now morning, yes today has been a good day so far

148 My favorite quote is anything that has to do with being a decent fucking human being

150 The first line of the page is “You were right”.

#ryn tags #ryn talks #about me #ask me #ask ryn #anon ask #ask game #ask meme #anon

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queerlyglittering · 5 years ago

Text

LETTER BOY UPDATE

ok! This is long overdue lmao. but until the other day I was feeling a bit mopey and sad and also just generally tired and didn’t wanna talk about it BUT THEN E X T R E M E L Y LONG POST AHEAD

so lemme see where I last left off re: Letter Boy.... ok so like, to recap: there for a while we’d barely been talking. He didn’t have time to write to me most of the time, and then half the time when we did write to each other our letters kept getting lost in the mail, etc etc. I know I’d been like pretty obsessive over the whole letter-writing thing for a while so I thought I’d been pushing him away and like at one point I wrote him a goodbye letter? Like I was really out here like “I’m so sorry for bothering you so much, I’ll leave you alone now” like what sort of passive-aggressive bitchy monster lmao. And then eventually I was like nah fuck that, that’s not ok and I’m not leaving things like that, so I wrote him an apology and we kinda got back to talking a bit. And then he finally wrote me back! And his letter was deeply personal and emotional and I cried! He came out as ace! He told me he loved me! The absolute drama of it all! (Which it turns out, at that point he didn’t mean it in terms of like, romantic love, just like... he really cared about me as a person and was glad that he felt comfortable to write about his experiences re: being ace to me and it was sort of cathartic. BUT THEN!) So I wrote back almost immediately, telling him that I loved him too and that he was valid and shit lmao. That was all back in late May/early June I think... tbh I don’t remember what happened over the summer, lemme go back and reread our messages? b/c I know neither of us has physically written to the other since then. Ok so we messaged a bit about potentially meeting up at a Pride festival, either there in Houston or up in Dallas, but the timing just generally didn’t work out in our favor for either event, so we wound up not going. And then we kinda sporadically messaged each other here and there, usually when he was stressed with school or I was stressed with work, etc, but we barely talked off and on for a couple months. Then I started my current job, and my sleep cycle got outta whack for a few weeks, and that’s when things started to get interesting again lmao

ok so sometime near the end of August, he had like a minor depressive episode or something in the middle of the night and messaged me at like 4 am saying he felt “gross and sad” and I slept through that because it was Saturday but I wound up waking up at like 6:30 out of habit from getting up for work, and I ended up calling him and we talked for a while and I vented about some stuff in my life too and then we both went back to sleep lmao. And after that things got a little more active in terms of communication; like y’all know me, I’m a Needy Bitch, so of course I wound up messaging him like once every couple days or so whenever I started to miss him and needed Attention. Like it kinda started with a tarot reading I got, just a standard past/present/future 3-card reading, but she pulled the Lovers for my present, so I mean.... and basically she said something about there being a person in my life whom I had feelings for, and who reciprocated those feelings, but there was a communications disconnect, and the relationship was getting to a point where it could begin to go stale, and that we shouldn’t block ourselves off from progress. After that reading I reached out and messaged him again, and we ended up literally speaking every day for a week. Like I think I’d made a post about that on here about not messaging him for the 8th day in a row and thought I was exaggerating but then I went back and counted and IT ACTUALLY WAS THE 8TH DAY, WOW AUDREY, YOU’RE OFFICIALLY ANNOYING. So I tried to get better about leaving him alone lmao but I started messaging him a bunch of stuff about my singing, because my old community had a brief resurgence in September. and he said he wanted to sing something with me someday and I’m 🥰🥰

So then at one point I had mentioned coming down to Houston for the weekend of the SFA/Sam Houston State game (which was last weekend, 10/5-6) with my friend, and ditching the game to hang out with him instead. I kinda let the subject drop for a couple weeks because at that point it was almost a month out and I wasn’t 100% sure I was gonna be able to go so I didn’t want to get both our hopes up. But then work started being really shitty and dicking me around about my schedule change that was supposed to have happened once I got out of training, and my home life wasn’t gr8 either, so I kinda latched onto that weekend trip as like a bright spot, or something to hope for. Something to keep me going. And he’d basically forgotten about it, which is fine, except I wound up springing it back on him at the last minute lmao. But then my friend who I was supposed to go with (because I can’t drive so she was gonna drive us down there) was like ‘nah I’m not going to the game, I have no money for tickets.’ So I was like well shit, there goes my happy thing. And I talked to her about it and basically begged her to just go down to Houston for the weekend anyway, I’d get us a hotel and everything, because I needed this. So she was like ‘alright, look at hotels.’ But then HER friend got very sick, like in-the-hospital having-mysterious-seizures sick, and she went to go stay with her in the hospital for a few days because the girl’s husband was being a dick about it (it turned out to just be an infection from a contact lens that got stuck in her eye and like melted??? idk. but it was BAD AND SCARY). But that was like Wednesday-Friday of the week we were supposed to go to Houston on that weekend and I wasn’t sure she’d be up to going. So I asked last minute if she still wanted to go or if I should cancel the hotel (not realizing that it was too late to cancel it anyway lmao RIP) and she said ‘ok sure but I wanna bring my kid, since I’ve been away from her for 3 whole days.’ I was like that’s fine, I already thought you were gonna bring her lol. So we wound up going down there on Saturday but we left a bit later than we’d meant to, and by the time we got to town, Letter Boy was already at work. So I missed him that day. The three of us (me, friend & kiddo) wound up swimming in the hotel pool and then ordering Chinese takeout for dinner so that was pretty fun.

Then the next day, Sunday! Letter Boy called as we were checking out of the hotel to try and figure out what the plan was, where we could meet up, etc. We decided to meet at the mall nearby, since it was an easy landmark for all parties, and we could find each other pretty easily there. He took me (and my friend and her kid, though apparently that wasn’t the plan, and he would’ve preferred to spend time with just me; she even gave me the option to not have the two of them meet us at the restaurant and I decided not to take it because i was a nervous anxious coward lmao) out to lunch at this Korean place in town, where he loves to eat. We played a few rounds of a card game and talked and ate and it was great fun. Then he had to bail and go to work, and we had an interesting goodbye because I’d been out here trying to respect his personal space and all because from what he’d said in his coming-out letter, it sounded very much like he was touch-averse - but then he hugged me goodbye? and kept coming back for more hugs?! like “one more? ok just one more? and one more?” like nonstop for a good five minutes lmao. I was a bit confused but I loved it (my primary love language is physical touch; hugs are my kryptonite. And he gives AMAZING hugs. like I may have even actually dreamed about his hugs before I ever got to experience one, but that’s whole other post lol). Anyway so after that my friend and I went to hang out at her brother’s in-laws’ place because they lived in the area lol. Letter Boy had asked me to message him once I got there, so I did. I told him I wished I could’ve spent more time with him one-on-one, and he said “well if you’re still in town maybe you can sneak away when I get my break later” So I basically said hell yes, just tell me where to meet you, lol. We wound up meeting up at Starbucks and getting coffee and continuing to talk and hang out for the half hour of his break, and he really didn’t want to leave when it was time for him to go. Like he actually contemplated kidnapping me and bringing me to work with him lmao. If my ride hadn’t already been on her way, I would’ve gone with him in a heartbeat. I didn’t want to leave either. And he told me he loved me again! 🥰🥰🥰 It was sappy and sweet and just aghhhh <3

So that was a week ago today! And there’s been some interesting developments since then too. Starting off with that Sunday night when I got home, I’d had too much coffee (starbucks messed up my order and had to remake it so I ended up drinking both lmao, big mistake). So I was over-caffeinated and v emotional and couldn’t sleep so I started writing out all my anxious confused feelings in letter form, and wound up just linking Letter Boy to the Google Doc I’d been writing in. This was at almost 2 AM. Apparently I woke him up and he read it and replied to me over messenger and basically we talked about how like. when he first said he loved me in the letter, he didn’t necessarily mean it in a romantic context but it was definitely more than just platonic and he wasn’t sure how to quantify that. But now that we’d met in person, and got to spend some actual time together, he felt a little differently and that he was “not 100% sure but WAAAY more than 50% sure” that he loved me romantically, because partially because he’s ace, he’s just kinda unsure about romantic relationships in general and he’s reluctant to commit to them because the sex thing always becomes an issue. I reassured him that I completely understand and respect his orientation and would never ask him to change that aspect of himself or do anything that would make him uncomfortable, and he seemed immensely relieved. At this point I’m honestly not even sure how much of his feelings are genuinely for/about me, and how much of them are just some sort of general euphoria at having someone basically validate his orientation and his existence, because he’d spent so long being mocked and tormented by friends and lovers alike, and basically just feeling broken and worthless. And I completely understand that reaction. I’m not even sure I care if that’s all this is, if it comes down to it; I’m happy to be here to love and support him and make sure he never feels less than whole and valid again, no matter my context in his life. I just want him to be happy. I’d love to be the one who makes him happy, but if ultimately that is not my part in his life, then so be it. I’m at peace with it.

Anyway so that was Sunday night, we talked a little bit on Monday and Tuesday and then like,, nothing at all for a few days? And so of course my immediate instinct is that I came on too strong and pushed him away, just because he doesn’t want to talk to me every day?? so I got all mopey and sad and weird, because I thought I’d scared him off and lost him and idk. Also I was in a funk b/c my hormones are being wacky this week; I don’t really get periods per se with my IUD, but sometimes I’ll get phantom cramps and/or mood swings, etc. but this past week i’ve been spotting and cramping AND moody af, so that’s been fun. So I’d been all weird and sad and shit, and thinking he didn’t want to talk to me = he didn’t want me, and I was so paranoid and afraid because I still think this whole thing is too good to be true and I can’t trust it. I know it’s silly and far too early to be serious and it’ll never last and probably won’t end well. I know that it’s fun and easy and idealistic and won’t stand up to reality or practicality, when it eventually has to face them. So I’ve been bracing myself for that ending ever since it began. And I know three days isn’t very long, but after having a whole conversation about how we love each other, and how we love each other, it felt like an eternity. BUT THEN!!!!!!!!!

So ok, we did talk briefly on Friday, in passing. but it was a very short little conversation; the only major thing to come out of it was a further confirmation that yes, he’s serious about coming up here to see me. BUT THEN Saturday night (10/12), he got home from seeing Eric Andre perform live, and he was hanging out with his sister and drinking and generally being a goof, and he messaged me! UPDATE: It’s now sunday 10/20 and I’m still writing this. idk it’s been a lot, everything else in my life has been rough lately, idk. im not feeling as positively about this as i was before, but i’ll keep writing the update. I’ve written too much

SO! Anyway. he came home from the comedy show thing, and he was hanging out with his sister watching some Japanese reality show and drinking, and he messaged me out of the blue. Funny thing I’ve noticed is that he doesn’t generally reach out to me first and he’s not too expressive generally but whenever he’s intoxicated in some way, be it alcohol or pot or even benadryl, he gets really effusively, gushily mushy and sweet. So on this occasion he was drunk, or at least tipsy, and that means he was being extra affectionate and dumb lmao. He started out telling me about his night and then hit me with the “I wish you were heeeerrrrreeeeeeee” lol. And he said something about how one day when he graduates, we should get a place together, where we can “be non-binary and own our dreams” (the second time he’s mentioned possibly being nonbinary to me - or possibly third time, he said something in passing about being confused about gender roles, in a context that implied ‘in relation to himself.’ meanwhile I haven’t actually said anything at all to him about me being nonbinary, he just kinda assumed b/c i have a rly butch-y looking haircut rn lmao. but like.. he ain’t wrong tho 😂 so that’s a conversation that we need to actually have sometime.) He was like “it’s sorta romantic that you live up there and I live down here and we’re so far apart and we have to just kinda pine after each other basically” and i was like oh good, I’m not the only one pining lmao. But then he asked me to come with him when he moves to Japan to teach English there, sometime after he finishes his degree. Which like, I wish I could go with him, and I know that if we’re still talking at that point/especially if we actually get together, it’s gonna be hard to be that far away from him and I’m gonna miss him. But it’s just eminently not practical. I don’t have any college degree and I don’t speak a lick of Japanese, there’s no way I can teach English with him; and there aren’t many other jobs there for Americans. And he won’t be making enough to support both of us on a teacher’s salary, i know that much. So that’s where I start to get a bit disillusioned. Like I know it was just a drunk suggestion out of a desperation to not be apart anymore, and despite the fact that a drunk mouth often speaks sober thoughts, I know better than to assume that either of those offers to live together were any kind of a promise, and I have no intention to hold him to either of them. But in the moment I very much got my hopes up and I let myself get really excited and I regret that now lmao because like I knew even then that it wasn’t real. and now i’m just sorta disappointed because I’ve had to confront the fact that he’s very much a daydreamer and I, for all my delusional fantasizing, am at heart more practical than that. I don’t like to hope for things that I know can’t happen, because it’s just setting myself up for future devastation. And he just wants to hope and wish for everything, and maybe some of it will come true and maybe some of it won’t, and he just sort of seems unbothered by either outcome. For all my hopeless romanticism and my overemotional nature, I can’t bring myself to do that, to hope without expectation. I don’t know how. it’s so antithetical to my understanding of the world. And it just serves to highlight another of the many ways in which we are almost complete opposites - which isn’t a bad thing! but it can make some things harder. like handling distance, or hoping for the future, or just communication in general.

but anyway! back to drunken happiness lmao. he started saying really sappy shit like how he wants to be there for me when I’m feeling down, and he wants to have big dumb fights with me just so he can make it up to me with a big grand gesture like flowers or edible arrangements or something. and then he wrote me a drunken limerick and it was actually surprisingly good and really cute lmao. and he said he wanted to cuddle me. and then we got into a mini-fight over which one of us was cuter lmao. and he called me queen and said that he just wants to like. make me food and take care of me and stuff lol. and that he doesn’t even HAVE a type but somehow I am exactly his type? which is still fucking me up, that’s the sweetest shit i’ve ever heard. (because i know what he means, he’s dated around quite a bit with different types and genders of people and stuff because he didn’t really know how to handle his asexuality and of course the myth is that you just haven’t found the right person yet, so he just kept trying and feeling broken and then here I am, the first person he’s found to be accepting and understanding of that part of him, and still want him and care for him and be all lovey-dovey and shit with him, and he just wants me to be happy in return.) meanwhile I of course have several types, including different types for girls and guys etc, but he’s hitting all my boxes - tall, handsome in a kind of adorkable way, smart, funny, sarcastic, sweet, patient, sensitive, similar tastes in media and similar political alignments, queer. plus he’s just cute as fuck. like out of my league cute lmao but again, that’s exactly my type OTL so like I told him that, and that I just wanna like. hold him and be with him and help him be successful in whatever he wants in life. and he freaked out and was like ugh you should just come here rn i’ll hide you under my bed if i have to and i was like i wish i could :( and he was like THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH AUDREY COME HERE and i was like OK IM LEAVING ON FOOT SEE U IN 3 DAYS and it was funny. and we flung a bunch of heart emojis at each other. and then he made a passing reference to his mood swings and i kinda ended up ignoring it because i sent a message at the same time but in my head i was like boy have you even MET me, 1. the swings have always been my favorite piece of playground equipment, 2. i’ve got mood swings down to a fine art, and 3. i’m more worried about whether you can handle mine. i’m pretty sure i can take yours in stride lmao. and then there was more talk of cuddling, and HE STARTED HEART REACTING ALL MY MESSAGES and i’m just like WTF STOP IT THAT IS THE CUTEST SHIT <3333 and then he sent me a dollar by accident? and I sent him the “i love you bitch, i ain’t never gonna stop loving you bitch” vine lmao

and apparently this whole time he was still sitting around with his sister? lmao because he said she told him she approved of me after i sent that vine 😂 and she apparently likes my hair! which is good lol (reminder I need to post some pics of it on here, I posted selfies to fb but i don’t think i’ve posted on here yet). his sister is also bi lmao and seems cool in general (and also from what i’ve seen creeping her fb, she’s REALLY GORGEOUS, like it runs in the family, these fuckers should be models, it’s ridiculous really) so having her approval is v nice. like at least one member of his family approves of me! now to work on the rest 😂😂 and then he was talking about he was gonna get high also (despite being already drunk) and i was joking with him about bogarting the weed and he was like “when we live together I’ll share my weed with you” lmao but he said it with such certainty, like it was just a given. not an if, but a when. which threw me for enough of a loop. But then he started in on this fantasy scenario where like it’s late at night and we can’t sleep so he makes me sushi by hand, and we feed each other with our chopsticks (he was impressed that I already knew how to use them lmao) and we sit on the couch arm in arm watching reruns of cheers and laughing way too loudly and fall asleep in each other’s arms as the sun comes up outside but we don’t have anything to do the next day so it’s ok. and it was the sweetest most romantic shit I’ve literally ever heard in my LIFE, like it sounds like actual heaven and i was crying happy tears at this point lmao. just 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 like in that moment i felt so fucking loved i couldn’t even speak and y’all know i’m never speechless, i literally can’t fucking shut up most of the time lmao. and like at that point his phone was dying so he went to plug it in and go to bed and I did the same because it was like 2:30 in the morning but i was just giddy with affection and couldn’t sleep.

anyway so the next day (sunday) i had a party thing to go to that was really fun but i’m socially awkward so i texted him a lot as a crutch. and then the next day (monday) he had given me “permission to bug the crap out of him” so i messaged him a lot throughout my work day because it was an unusually crappy day anyway. and the day after that (tuesday) we messaged about the democratic debates and stuff. and then i kinda tried to give him some space, because i felt like i was smothering him, and i made it all the way to friday evening before i caved in and messaged him again. like i don’t wanna bother him by messaging him every day, i know he’s busy. whenever he doesn’t actively have class, he’s got homework or he’s working (which usually means he’s driving and can’t talk). but i’m like so addicted to the affection i get from him, it’s bad. my anxiety just keeps building and getting worse if i try to avoid messaging him and I don’t make it very far before i end up giving in and messaging him for a hit of that good ol’ dopamine. so we ended up catching each other up on the events of the latter part of our week, and talking about sushi preferences. and he apparently has never had eel?? like that was probably the 2nd or 3rd thing i tried lmao 😂 but then to be fair I had a boyfriend at the time who was very interested in making sure i tried new things, and who had been stationed briefly in japan so he knew a lot about sushi and wanted to show off. anyway Letter Boy is like me, he prefers salmon by a wide margin. and we talked about how he’d tried squid and did not enjoy it, and that turned into a mini battle to see who could post the weirdest squid-themed gif lmao. and then i sent him the playlist but he still hasn’t listened to it yet I don’t think. but he also wants me to write him a poem lmao so that’s something i should start working on i guess. but idk i’m not feeling it rn but that’s not his fault.

and then today happened and i had another incident with my mother and her narcissistic bullshit and i was feeling like shit so i reached out to my best friend to kinda get some validation that i’m not actually the narcissistic one (which felt shitty and manipulative, like if i have to ask i’m probably at least a LITTLE narcissistic. but then again if i actually was narcissistic i guess i wouldn’t even have that doubt? like i would just be certain that i wasn’t and not second-guess it because i wouldn’t care? and like making their victims believe that THEY are the narcissistic ones and the abuser isn’t, is a classic hallmark of gaslighting and narcissistic abuse? but i still felt like shit about it idk). And I also reached out to Letter Boy because while I love my best friend more than words can say, like she’s my sister-from-another-mother, Letter Boy has kind of become my comfort person. like i always used to write letters to him whenever I was going through a rough spot, as a distraction. and usually I’ll message him whenever I’m starting to feel anxious or sad, but lately it’s gotten to where I’ll start to feel anxious and sad whenever I don’t message him regularly. like i’ve said, it’s getting bad and i’m worried about it. like that’s not a good sign of a healthy relationship. and it’s nice to have some positivity in my life, especially given all the negative shit i’m constantly surrounded by. but that doesn’t mean this relationship is healthy or good for either of us. so that’s yet another thing on my list of shit that’s making me anxious lol. but anyway he tried to be supportive when i told him about what i’m dealing with in re: my mother, and encouraged me to get out, but he just seemed kinda generally lost. like he didn’t know how to deal with it. and if that’s because he’s been fortunate enough that in his life, that kind of behaviour is not something he’s experienced, then I’m happy for him. but he said some stuff about not really believing in labels, but specifically in regards to mental health issues? which like. that’s all fine and good in terms of gender and sexuality, but with mental health, that’s a medical issue. you kind of have to have names for things in that context so that you can treat them. and i get that he was kinda trying to be encouraging to me, to not let my mother make me think of myself as a narcissist, and to not feel so shitty about myself in terms of like my depression and anxiety and stuff. but it just felt like it was sort of coming from a place of very neurotypical privilege and misunderstanding, and it was sort of unintentionally invalidating. and then he brought up the idea of us living together again, once he graduates, but he said it in a slightly more realistic way which i should have been happier with but that only wound up disappointing me. he said “maybe when i graduate we can get a place...” instead of like his certainty from earlier. and i said i wish, and he said that he wishes too and we should both hope for it and maybe it’ll happen. and i’m just like... hope is a dangerous thing for my emotional health, i don’t want to hope for something that isn’t going to happen. and he basically said that i need to learn to hope without expectation, and set small goals as baby steps toward that bigger dream, and i’m just like. i don’t understand but thank you lmao. and that’s where we left off this evening. and i’ve been crying, about shit with my mom and my life in general and worrying about all this bullshit with letter boy and how like a week ago we were blissfully happy with each other and now things are feeling increasingly less certain and i have this burning feeling in the back of my mind that he’s not gonna actually show up for the Syrup Festival in 3 weeks - which again, i’ve pinned all my hopes to, it’s the light at the end of my newest tunnel. and i’m so nervous because i want to show him everything and let him get a feel for where i live (and why i feel trapped here lmao) and yet at the same time i don’t know how to handle it because i don’t think he’ll feel the same way about it as i do. and i’m still not sure he’ll even come. because despite him telling me repeatedly that he wants to come, i can’t help but feel that either something will come between us within that time, or he’ll just end up having to work, or something, and he won’t actually come. i’m so terrified he won’t want to come. I’m terrified i’m pushing him away. because this whole thing, ever since we started writing letters, has felt mostly one-sided, like i’m out here sharing everything with him and flinging my love and attention at him, and getting scraps in return, just enough to keep me coming back for more. and i don’t know if he’s stringing me along or if he’s serious. he is a bit flighty. I don’t want him to fly away. but i don’t want to hold him down, either.

i don’t know.

#personal #letter boy #letter boy update #long post #ignore me #so anyway that's like.... the last 6 months almost lmao #all the ups and the downs #this has been over a week in the writing and i'm sorry #i got lazy with updating the dates throughout the post

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linkade · 6 years ago

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Kinkade walking in on/watching lance train, death metal blairing in the training room in like the middle of the night as he just completely lets loose all his pent up emotions

I actually really liked this a lot so I wrote a little drabble! Excuse the horrible writing lmao I tried my best.

Word Count: 677

When Ryan Kinkade roams through the halls of the Garrison late at night, It’s for no particular reason at all. It clears his head, helps him get his thoughts in order for the next day. Whenever Ryan goes on these nightly strolls, he usually just stays within the commons and the dorms, feeling no need to stray any further. Today, However is different. His feet carry him to their usual destinations, but for some reason he walks right through the commons and towards the Training Rooms.

Nobody is supposed to use them after a certain time, but Ryan isn’t a mere cadet anymore so he’s almost positive the rules don’t apply to him. Maybe it’d be a good time to sharpen up his sniping skills so he can actually compare to Voltron’s Red Paladin. The latino is so unbelievably talented that it makes Ryan want to strive to be on his level. The Red Paladin is his inspiration, the reason why he’s working harder than he ever did before.

Harsh guitar fills his ears, and Ryan falters. Who on earth would be listening to such awful music at this time of night? The teenager grunts, and peers over the railings that overlook the expansive training room. There’s stations set up for just about every specialty and skill level, but It isn’t hard to pinpoint where the noise is coming from. Standing maybe 50 feet away is the Red Paladin himself, dressed up in his armor with his bayard transformed not into any type of gun, but into a sword.

It’s mesmerizing, seeing him hack away at practice dummies and droids that the Green Paladin built. Apparently they were based off of the Castle of Lion’s old training droids, and It’s noticeable that the design of them isn’t quite earthly. The other regards them with much familiarity, knowing all of it’s invisible weak spots and ways to easily overthrow them. He takes on three at a time, sometimes even going as far as four.

Ryan never wants to take his eyes off the sight before him.

Alas, all good things come to an end. The playlist the Red Paladin was training to ends abruptly, and with it he calls out breathily “End Training Sequence.” The droids shut down on command, and an AI that Ryan doesn’t think the Garrison installed chimes over the intercoms.

“Ending level 36.”

He promptly falls over, landing face first onto the hardwood floor. Without thinking about it, Ryan strolls down the stairs and walks to stand in front of him. The Red Paladin doesn’t look up, but his body tenses, telling Ryan that he’s well aware of his presence,

“That wasn’t bad, Red.” Surprisingly, he relaxes his muscles and moves his head to look up. The sweat makes his normally soft looking hair damp, and it sticks to his forehead. He still, undeniably, is attractive as hell.

“Why thank you, my good sir.” He wheezes, and shifts so that he’s now sitting crisscrossed. “What brings you to the Training Rooms?”

Ryan shrugs in response. “Heavy metal?” He asks instead. The other frowns.

“Keith taught me that. He said,” He drops his voice low in a poor attempt at mocking the Black Paladin. “ ‘Lance, listen to my emo music whilst getting the shit kicked out of you, it gives you such a fucking adrenaline rush’, so I said ‘No fucking way’ and then tried it out, and what do you know, he was right.” The Red Paladin, Lance, grins big and so bright that it’s almost overwhelming.

“Oh.” Lance cocks his head.

“You don’t talk much.” Ryan opens his mouth, but is cut off. “It’s alright my dude, I don’t mind. I can talk plenty enough for the both of us. Anyways, wanna train with me?”

Ryan openly stares at him. Jesus, he moves almost so fast it’s hard to comprehend. But he likes it. He likes it a lot. So instead of grunting, or nodding, he ignores the heat rising to his face and offers him a genuine smile.

“Sure, I’d love to.”

#vld #ryan kinkade #lance mcclain #ryance #Linkade

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bucksomecontent-blog · 6 years ago

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That’s How I Wanna Go 2/?

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Series Summary: In a world of soulmates and marks on skin, every love story is epic and magical and just perfect. Supposedly. Your story ends up being more complicated than you were promised… So you decide to take things into your own hands. Cue car chases in Europe, run-ins with Shady Government Agencies™, oodles of superheroes who are honestly more trouble than they’re worth, a healthy dose of intrigue, an unhealthy dose of alcohol, and maybe some (okay, really a lot of) bad decisions. All with your trusty pack of sharpies and the mysterious man you write to on your skin.

Series Warnings: Some violence, strong language, alcohol, romance, but nothing too explicit.

Chapter warnings: Bad writing! I haven’t edited this and am posting at 3am but I’m an impatient bean and wanna post it now. Lemme know of any mistakes

Word Count: 1202 (shorter chapters=more frequent updates ;-) )

Notes: Okay so there’s not much direct Bucky yet I admit, but all this reader stuff is setting the groundwork :)

One | Two | Three | Four(coming soon)

His notebook collection hadn’t been added to in a few years now, but it wasn’t the sudden return of a memory that had spurred him to order the soft Moleskine. It was a new project entirely. These books had helped him find himself again, and he hoped that they could now help him find you. Ever so carefully, he wrote down what he knew.

“Afternoon, babycakes!” Reema chirped from behind the till as you got into work. “Can’t thank you enough for putting me on the 7am shift, you know I was worried about being TOO awake and well rested today, but waking up at the arse crack of the morning really helped me out!”

You huffed out a laugh. “Shouldn’t you be, oh I don’t know, doing your job instead of whinging at me?”

“Oh yeah, sorry, I’ll just see to all these customers…” she said, gesturing to the deserted shop floor before letting out a terribly fake shocked gasp that would put a 40s actress to shame. “Oh, wait!”

You really loved Reema. She was a breath of fresh air in this place, and you had been sad at the prospect of not working with her anymore. ‘At least that’s not an issue anymore,’ you thought wryly.

“Yeah yeah, at least pretend to be earning your pay check, babe. Fiddle with the receipt machine or something.” You were impressed with yourself at how normally you were acting. Go you.

“Not my fault nobody comes into this place,” the younger girl retorted, but when she looked more closely at your too bright eyes and reddened nose, her expression softened. “Oh, Y/N/N…” Okay, maybe you weren’t delivering a stellar ‘I’m fine!’ performance after all. She came around to hug you tight, her warm, sweet perfume anchoring you to the moment instead of your spiralling thoughts. “What went wrong, lovely? There’s no way you weren’t perfect for that job!”

You open your mouth to wave it off, but couldn’t speak past the lump in your throat. ‘Damnit, Y/N, pull yourself together.’ Closing your eyes and breathing deeply, you waited for the swell of emotion to pass and the prickle behind your eyes to stop. “I… Uhm, I’ll explain when we get home. It’s just a bit… uh, just not right now.” Your voice wobbled traitorously, but didn’t break.

Your friend eyed you worriedly, but thankfully left it alone after extracting a promise to talk that evening. She started amicably chatting about a rude customer from earlier getting his comeuppance, allowing you some mental space while distracting you from your morning. Thank God for that girl, she knew exactly what you needed. After a few laugh out loud stories about her boyfriend’s shenanigans, you felt almost normal again. After letting her off half an hour early, you busied yourself around the store for the rest of your shift, determined not to think about anything but sales and stock.

The tube journey home that evening had you gnawing on your lip and cracking your knuckles repeatedly. Packed like a sardine on the central line, you didn’t have enough space to roll up your sleeve and examine the message you had felt appear on your right arm. Just as you were resisting the urge to break your finger when one joint wouldn’t pop satisfactorily, a flood of people pushed off the train at once, and you suddenly had enough space to breathe. And to check your arm.

How did it go?

The lady standing across from you shuffled back at your foul expression. Grabbing a pen from your pocket, you scribbled back on the same arm, not bothering to go through the huzzah of rolling up your other sleeve to write with your dominant hand.

What the hell’s the matter with you? My last message was a pretty clear “fuck off”

There was a last message?

Your brow crinkled, but before you could reply another line appeared.

Oh God, I didn’t even think. If you send something on your left arm I can’t get it. There was a brief pause. I lost mine a while back.

As the train emptied further, you managed to snag a seat while taking in this development. You wanted to stay angry at them but you’d look like an arsehole right now. Fuck. You slowly replied with a useless Oh.

There was no response: the ball was still in your court. Scrubbing your hand over your face, you were completely at a loss at how to proceed- did they get any of your messages? You were mostly right handed, had you always written to them on your left arm where they didn’t see it? Did they think you weren’t interested? No, that’s not it. You had memories of writing poems down your thighs, and you’d definitely put in some practice somewhere down the line of writing with your left hand. So what changed? Why didn’t they reply then? How did they lose their arm? Also, how did they even know about the interview in the first place?

Nervous habit found you taking out your phone and flicking through your notifications to distract part of your brain. Reema had snapchatted you when you finished work, and you thanked TFL for the wifi at tube stations giving you something to think about that wasn’t 50 questions without answers.

<(Image: Selfie of Reema smiling cheesily, her face filling the frame) ‘Hey bubacious lady hope work was ok <3’

>(Image: Grotty floor of tube train) ‘Thank you girlie, let’s just say I’ll be needing some seriously greasy takeaway to get me over my day. Can’t wait to vent lmao prepare yourself’

<(Image: A-okay finger sign held over Reema’s grinning face. In the background a man is walking into the room) ‘I’m ready!’

>(Image: Selfie showing up your nose and wide eyes. The unimpressed expression of man sitting next to you is visible.) ‘Omg I didn’t know Peter was coming over sorry aha we can talk another time if you’re busy’

<(Image: Selfie of Reema’s confused expression) ‘Wdym? He’s not coming tonight it’s just me lol’

You frowned and wracked your brains. You doubted it had been a trick of the light. Your heartbeat began to quicken slightly, but you always over reacted to things like this and tried to calm it down. You switched to text mode and hammered out a reply for speed’s sake.

> ‘dude I saw someone in your pic don’t screw about you know how I worry aha if he is over it’s fine dw’

Message left unopened.

>hey are you ok??? Answer me please

Still nothing.

>! Failed to send ! shit what’s happened??

>! Failed to send ! REEM READ YOUR BLOODY MESSAGES

The roaring of the underground was just white noise as you cursed and waited for the train to screech to a halt at the next station. You exited snapchat and went directly to phone her, lurching up from your seat to get off as you searched for good signal. Racing up the escalator, you whispered “fuck” under your breath until signal arrived as you came out onto the surface of wherever the hell you’d gotten off at. The dialling noise rang in your ear, blocking out the ringing of bikes and squeals of red buses.

“The number you have dialled is currently unavailable. Please try again later.”

One | Two | Three | Four(coming soon)

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ggukjoons · 7 years ago

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best you’ve ever had (m) | 01

» theme — jeon jungkook x reader // fuckboy!jungkook, badboy!jungkook, university au, fluff, romance, future smut, angst

» warnings — sexual tension, language

» word count — 2.2k

» synopsis — you hate jungkook. or so you thought. he was the world’s #1 fuckboy and you didn’t want anything to do with him. until an event had changed everything, including the way you saw him. who knew how easy it was to fall for a fuckboy?

» a/n — completely inspired by this video i watch it everyday and it ruins me omg + this is the first part and it is already lowkey kinda steamy LMAO this is the first fic i’ve ever written i’m not sure how many parts this fic will consist of but i know for sure that its going to have more than just one part, so hope u enjoy, and pls pls pls tell me what u think! tysm! ✩

» song recommendation — always never - bria’s interlude

↳ 01 || 02 || 03 (ongoing) ✩

» ♔ posted on february 7th, 2018.

You groan deeply as the clock hits 6:30 in the evening.

Customers are seated comfortably at the tables, coffee in hand, speaking amongst themselves. Your shift ends in thirty minutes, which you would be acquiescent with on a daily basis, except today is different.

You have a monster report due the next day, in which you’ve only wrote about two pages- out of eight. As a matter of fact, you cannot wait to take your ass back to the dorms and gulp five cups of coffee down your throat to help fully gain your focus (and not fall face down on your computer) while writing six more pages about nonsense which hopefully, won’t get you kicked out of university.

As you pull yourself out of your thoughts for your boring plans tonight, you grab a rag off the countertop as you head over to a table that has recently vacated.

As you scrub the tables and pick up the coffee cups, you spot a wrinkled piece of notebook paper that reads, “To the waitress in the white v-neck: you got a nice set of lumps, mind if we see? ;) - two college bois who need satisfaction”. You scowl in disgust as you crumple the piece of paper and toss it in the trash can.

You knew who those boys were, just two nasties who happen to share the same psychology class as you. You haven’t even bothered to talk to them, even if they made advances to you. You don’t pay attention to anyone, not a lot of people seem decent enough to catch your eye. That’s why you attend parties away from here, the boys were cuter so you hooked up with them instead.

After scrubbing the table and pushing the chairs in, you realize how many customers have left their tips and exited the coffee shop. You were the only one who was still currently working, your other colleagues had already finished their shifts hours ago. Looking at the clock that reads 6:37 PM., you exhale a deep breath.

Alright Y/N, just twenty three minutes to go.

You actually debate on closing early, but your boss’s words ring through your head. Do not close the coffee shop early, no matter how late it is! Never close the coffee shop minutes or even seconds before the closing time. I will be damned if I hear anyone closing the shop early! You ALL have been warned! You roll your eyes at the memory of your boss’s dramatic words.

As you head to clean the table near the back corner of the shop, you hear the doorbells chime and footsteps that follow inside.

“I’ll be right there!” You say as you hurriedly scrub the remains of spilled coffee and crumbs of the tabletops.

“Now that’s a beautiful sight.” You whip your head toward the source of the voice and scowl when you look at the person’s features.

He was dressed in all black, outfit consisting of a black turtleneck cladded with a black leather jacket, black ripped skinny jeans that clung very tight to his sculpted thighs. Lastly, he topped it all off with a cap that was imprinted with the words “You Never Walk Alone”.

You hated the fact that you admit he looks amazing.

But this was him.

Jeon Jungkook.

The world’s #1 fuckboy.

You instantly understand why he made that remark.

You were still leaning over the table, rag in your hand, back bent over, and your jean-covered ass on display for his eyes to ogle.

Quickly standing straight, you narrow your eyes at him. “What are you doing here, Jeon?”

“Ah, I love when my name comes out of your pretty lips.” Jungkook says with a grin as his eyes follow your form when you head over to where he’s standing near the countertop.

You ignore his comment. “Seriously Jungkook, what are you doing here? My shift ends in about twenty minutes.”

Groaning, you pull your notepad out of your back pocket. “What would you like to order?” You ask in a monotonous voice, greatly lacking enthusiasm.

“Hmmm, a strawberry cheesecake sounds really good right now.” Jungkook chirps as you scribble his order down on your notepad, “Is that all?” You look up at his dark orbs and wait for his answer.

You regret it.

“Can I also have you spend a night at my apartment dressed in absolutely nothing?” He says with a wicked smirk.

“You are a nasty perv.”

Wrinkling your nose in disgust, you walk around the countertop to acquire a slice of strawberry cheesecake for Jungkook. Grabbing a paper bag and knife, you bend down to cut the cheesecake.

The coffee shop is silent with the exception of the sounds of you placing the slice of cheesecake into the bag.

“How long have you been working here?” Jungkook inquires.

You raise your eyebrow at that, suspicious as to why he would care.

“I’m not a stalker, love. Just curious.” He chuckles.

You stand up straight, facing him. “I’ve been working here for about four months now. I need to bring in some cash and this job pays pretty good. It’s also off campus so its nice to see different people that come in. Well at least not now, cause you’re here anyways.” You hand him the bag as Jungkook grins at your remark.

“Its really nice to see you too, babygirl.” Your body betraying you by making your stomach flutter at the pet name.

“Don’t call me that.” You say, faking a grimace, heading back to the countertop, opposite of him.

He smirks at that.

“Why should I not? I mean, its true. You are my babygirl. Whether you like it or not.” Jungkook leans in closer to your face, locking your eyes with his gaze.

“You know, love. I’ve always had a thing for you. You’re gorgeous and you got a sharp tongue. Let’s be honest here, I’m always going to pick you over anyone.” He whispers, soon grinning at your inability to maintain eye contact.

You look away before he notices your reddened face.

“I-Your order comes to $4.50.”

Jungkook bites back a chuckle at your flustered state, pulling a $50 bill from his wallet and placing it on the countertop.

Your eyes widen at the gesture, quickly waving your hands back and forth in the manner of saying “no”.

“Jungkook!” You exclaim. “You made a mistake, the order is only $4.50, just hand me a five dollar bill and that should be oka-”

He doesn’t let you finish your sentence and interrupts.

“I didn’t make a mistake, love. You just told me you needed to bring some cash in, and here you go. I just want to help you.” Jungkook says, his eyes staring into your widened ones, gaze unwavering.

Your expression softens at his gesture for a second before you realize who this is.

Goddammit, Y/N. He’s a fuckboy. Don’t get all soft for a fuckboy.

You sigh, not wanting to fight with him on this. “Um, thank you, Jungkook. This wasn’t needed but, thank you for helping me out.” You say softly, managing a tiny smile on your face.

Jungkook smugly returns it.

Looking at the bag, he says, “Also, who said this was to-go?”

You furrow your brows, confusion painting your features. “I figured you had places to be. Aren’t you supposed to be with Sooyoung?”

Jungkook releases a deep sigh. “No. We aren’t a thing. She’s showing symptoms of ‘I know we aren’t dating but you shouldn’t fuck other girls’. She’s a great girl, but she’s getting clingy. And I don’t do relationships.”

You roll your eyes towards the sky at his words. He is such a fuckboy.

“You know, Jeon. Just tell her that what you two have isn’t serious. Are you sure you’re not leading her on?” He scoffs at that.

“I’m always straight up with every girl I have sex with. I make it extra clear that there are no feelings whatsoever. I know she understands that, but you know, she keeps coming back for more. Girls always do.” Jungkook sneers as you wear a disgusted expression on your face.

“Cocky much?”

“Not at all. Because its the truth. I’m the best they’ve ever had.” He smirks, shifting his weight forward to rest his elbows on the countertop, meeting you at eye-level.

“Its never enough for me, though. Because the one person I want to spend a night with is incredibly stubborn.” He says, locking his gaze onto your lips, travelling downward until he stares at your cleavage through your v-neck.

“Me? Stubborn? Have you seen yourself, Jungkook? You’re a fuckboy. And I don’t fuck with fuckboys.” You respond, smiling to yourself at your words.

He snickers. “That’s really cute, love.”

His expression darkens as he starts to lean a bit more forward. Your eyes widen slightly and you press a hand onto his firm chest to create some distance between you two.

“Have you ever imagined spending a night with me?”

You raise your brows, and place your hands on the countertop. “Only, in your dreams Jeon.” Your gaze locking onto his.

Jungkook chuckles and lowers his head toward the ground. Once he lifts his head up, you notice how much darker his eyes had gotten. His pupils dilating slightly. His unwavering stare and the look he gives you makes you awkwardly shift your feet.

“Do you have any idea how erotic my dreams are? And somehow, you appear in mostly all of them.”

You inhale sharply at his lewd words. “F-Feeling frustrated? Go relieve yourself by having sex with another girl. Cause I would never.”

Jungkook releases a dark chuckle. “Alright, babygirl. I see. But I’m telling you right now, nobody will ever fuck you as good as I ever will. So why don’t you just experience it with me?” He smirks at your furious expression.

“You want to know why, Jeon? I don’t even think you’re all that. Your dick game is probably weak.” You retort, wiping the smirk off his face and painting it on yours. Jungkook releases a breathy chuckle and starts to stare at your apron.

He starts walking not toward the door, no.

He is walking towards you.

Your eyes widen in panic as you watch him approach the same side of the countertop as you. You didn’t fail to see his tongue roughly poking his inner cheek. His dark orbs are staring back at your bulging ones as he starts to lean in closer.

You have nowhere to go except to press your back against the countertop, only to find Jungkook backing you into it, barely an inch is left between you two. Your breathing quickens when he starts leaning his head in closer.

He brings his lips toward the shell of your ear, his hot breath fanning over you, causing you to visibly shiver. Jungkook notices that, and his smirk broadens.

“If you want me to stop babygirl, I will. But don’t deny how much I affect you, too.” He whispers, planting his hand on your hip to bring you impossibly closer to him.

“You don’t affect me.” Voice surprisingly steady, contradicting your feeling of being afraid by the fact that he could hear your labored breathing, and quickening heartbeat. You felt heat rising in your abdomen when you felt the press of his bulge through your apron.

“You sure about that, love?” You nod.

Jungkook turns his head to look directly into your orbs, his unrelenting gaze solely fixed on you, watching your every movement.

“Then why haven’t you pushed me away yet?”

You don’t know why you haven’t pushed him away.

You don’t know how it had gone this far.

Jungkook waits for your answer and twirls a strand of your hair in his finger, leaning forward to press his lips right under your jaw. You gasp at the contact, feeling the way Jungkook’s lips quirk into a smile.

“The guys and I are hosting a party again tonight. You should come. I hope to see you there.”

And with that, he presses a light kiss on your sensitive skin. He leaves his lips there for a few seconds before pulling away.

He takes a few steps back and turns around to grab the bag of cheesecake.

You stand there shocked at his actions, and a tiny part of you longs for the warmth of his body again. You miss the way he starts walking toward the door of the coffee shop.

He slows his footsteps down and looks toward you. “It’s 7:04, love. Your shift was over four minutes ago.” You falter at his words, disbelief showing very evident through your expression.

Jungkook takes one more look at you, and smiles. “I hope to see you at the party tonight, Y/N.” He turns around and heads out of the coffee shop, door shutting as it lets in a breeze.

You immediately exhale as you held onto the countertop behind you. You throw your head back and close your eyes, releasing a deep sigh. Slowly processing the events that had just happened, you mentally kick yourself in the face for putting your guard down.

Your head turns to look at the traitorous clock, time reading 7:06 PM. You would have left the coffee shop already.

But why do you feel like staying?

Why do you suddenly crave the warmth of Jungkook’s body again?

The monster report that you had been thinking about all day was no longer something you thought of again.

Instead, something else was on your mind.

» masterlist | 01 || 02 || 03 ♡ (ongoing)

#bts scenario #bts fluff #bts smut #jungkook #writing #fanfic #jungkook smut #jungkook fluff #jungkook fuckboy au #university au #jungkook badboy au #best you've ever had #mine #jungkook x reader #kpop fanfic #kpop smut #jeon jungkook #bts scenarios

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stewystew · 3 years ago

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Ok I wrote this all in the tags of another post but I took my adderall for the first time in a week today and yeah sure, it’s worn off by now, but I’m still vibing so here we go!!! (woo this got longer than I thought it was going to be, so I’m putting the read more in)

I’m going to describe a movie to you.

This is a great movie. In one sentence, it’s a super fun found family heist movie with heavy The Devil Wears Prada vibes. which is like. the ideal set of tropes. Are you on board yet?

On top of that, there’s party-crashing, general thievery, fun costume design, an intense rivalry, a fucking choice montage, and it all ends with five friends and their five dogs living happily ever after in the big house that they stole, The End.

This is Cruella (2021). And the rumors are true, it fucking sucked. But because I actually watched it, I can tell you why it sucked, and it’s NOT that her mom got murdered by Dalmatians (at least that’s not the main reason). I can also tell you how it could be fixed.

Cruella is not actually a bad movie. But also, it very much is. (hope this helps <3) Ok. It’s bad because, of course, Capitalism. Literally the movie I described to you? Sounds super fun and great? If Disney didn’t have an obsession with making a quick buck on the back of its classic franchises, that could’ve been what Cruella was. But instead, they slapped an iconic villain on that super fun heist movie, and ruined the whole thing.

You can’t make Cruella De Vil a hero. You can’t. Other villain rewrites work because they swap the hero and the villain, or at least the villain’s atrocities are swapped out for something more understandable. But. A bunch of puppies can’t be evil. And when Cruella’s entire character is about Being Rich and Killing Puppies, you can’t change her motives or her backstory, because then all you have left is her aesthetic. Which isn’t unimportant, but you can’t build a compelling story out of an aesthetic.

But, that’s what Disney chose to do, I guess.

Here’s what happened:

1) Our main character, Estella, is born with the black and white hair (relying on the aesthetic!) (imo this is bad bc either it’s a cartoony Anime Protagonist Hair thing ooh magic. or it’s poliosis, and that’s ehh bc it’s very much framed as like. Symbolic of her ✨inner evil✨. Which is weird for it being a real thing that real people have.)

2) ANYWAY. She’s kind of a mean kid, but mostly very opinionated. We learn this when she calls a shirt ugly (aha, see? She’s into fashion!), and her mother jokes that she should be called “Cruella” instead of “Estella”. So. Now we have the name thrown in. Again, the aesthetic.

3) Blah blah, she adopts a stray dog, she punches bullies, blah blah, she gets kicked out of school, and she and her mother move to the city (she’s like 12 at this point)

4) but *gasp!* before they get there, her mother has to ask a “friend” for help because they’re poor. (So. there goes the Rich part of Cruella’s character. She no longer has anything in common with Cruella De Vil’s villainy!)

5) The “friend”, though, is very rich, and is throwing a party at her mansion (which is on a cliff). The mom goes in, and Cruella follows her. Cruella ends up getting chased by Dalmatians, but they don’t attack Cruella, instead they end up pushing her mom off the cliff. Cruella thinks it’s her fault because the dogs were chasing her.

6) Cruella goes to the city on her own, and meets two other orphaned kids, Jasper and Horace (we’ll call them J&H) (they also have a dog!), and they all live together and get very very good at stealing shit. Then, it’s like ten years later, and she wears a wig to fit in.

7) She catches the attention of a famous fashion designer (The Baroness) because of how good she is at fashion. The Baroness (who owns Dalmatians!) hires her, and now Cruella’s designing clothes for her. Also, the Baroness’s assistant(?) is Mark Strong, so the “Stanley Tucci in The Devil Wears Prada” vibes are very much there.

8) Cruella finds out that the Baroness is actually her mom’s ex-employer and the “friend” she was talking to before she died, because the baroness has her mother’s necklace, which she says her mother stole from her. The Baroness doesn’t know who Cruella is, though.

9) Cruella tries to steal the necklace back (this is the party she crashes!), and finds out that the Baroness trained the Dalmatians to kill her mother. To get revenge, she creates an alter ego where she goes full Cruella De Vil, the iconic black and white hair and everything, and upstages the Baroness by being better at fashion. (Yay double life! Yay rivalries! Yay fun montage!)

10) oof this is getting long. I’ll try to hurry it up.

11) at one point Cruella wears a fur coat and everyone thinks she’s skinned the Baroness’s Dalmatians for it, but she didn’t. Because she would never hurt a dog! *clutches pearls*

12) J&H are mad because her fashion alter ego is mean to them. She says “lol deal with it” but then later she says “oops sorry i love my friends actually” so. she’s not even that mean.

13) The Baroness tries to kill her, she fails. Mark Strong tells Cruella that she’s actually the Baroness’s daughter, and the Baroness had tried to kill her as a baby. Oh, and Cruella has a scene where she’s all “I’m unapologetically evil!” which might have been better if she were actually. You know. Evil.

14) oh, also the gay character is a guy who owns a little clothing store and he and Cruella are friends. He’s not explicitly gay tho, he’s just good at fashion and wears makeup.

15) So Cruella and her friends (J&H, Mark Strong, Gay Character) all go and crash another party for the One Final Score. It’s at the Baroness’s mansion, on the cliff, and they trick the Baroness into pushing Cruella off the cliff in front of a bunch of people and the Baroness goes to jail.

16) Cruella survives because of a parachute in her dress (lmao), and because she’s the Baroness’s daughter she gets all her money and her mansion and her dogs. And then she and J&H and Mark Strong and Gay Character all live in the big house together with their five dogs and are friends forever the end. :)

17) oh, also, Anita Darling, from 101 Dalmatians, is Cruella’s childhood friend and Cruella gives her two Dalmatian puppies at the end as a gift. Which... Would that make the Dalmatian parents in the movie siblings? :(

So now you see. Or maybe you don’t, and that was all completely incomprehensible. Either way, on to the next part!

So, obviously, it would be a much much better movie if it weren’t about Cruella De Vil, Puppy Murderer, and Disney had produced a goddamn original movie for once :)

Now, literally just trimming all the Disney Franchise gunk off the script would work. All that bad cheesy stuff would be gone, we wouldn’t be teased with the slightly-but-not-actually villainous stuff she does, and I wouldn’t have to spend the entire 2 hours desperately trying and failing to separate the movie and it’s dog-loving protagonist from the puppy murderer.

BUT. I will say that the one thing that Cruella was able to properly utilize was Cruella De Vil’s iconicness. Again, the aesthetic isn’t completely unimportant!

So I think it’d be good to maintain that. sue me. My idea is this:

Our Main Character is just some girl. Similar situation to the movie, but she’s named Ann or Sue or something. She reads The One Hundred and One Dalmatians as a child, and because she’s a Weird Little Girl, becomes obsessed with Cruella De Vil and her entire deal. And the movie proceeds in exactly the same way from then on.

Why does this work? Thank you for asking, I’ll tell you!

Disney gets to keep their dumb Classic Franchise money or whatever because we’re keeping the character

All the fun outfits get to stay the same :)

All that stuff I said about why Cruella De Vil can’t be redeemed? Doesn’t matter now that our character isn’t Cruella. We’re still capitalizing on Cruella De Vil’s icon status as an irredeemable puppy killer, but like. Without actually redeeming the puppy killer in question. Yay!

Weird Little Girls are awesome

We get a cute scene where Main Character is trying and failing to dye her hair like Cruella’s (Cruella’s hair is black and white in the book as well!) Her mom comes into the bathroom, sees half empty dye and bleach bottles in the sink, her hair bright orange. Already, I would die for this kid. (ngl this one’s the main reason I’m so attached to this version)

Ooh, this is the fun part. So, the mom gets pushed off a cliff by Dalmatians. I’m keeping this in. Main Character, of course, thinking WWCDVD? (what would Cruella De Vil do?), is like, actively antagonizing these dogs. The dogs chase her, push the mom off the cliff. It’s still not actually her fault, but the fact that she goaded the dogs into chasing her? HAHAHA WE LOVE SOME GUILT!

Oh, you may be thinking, but if she likes to act like Cruella, would Main Character still adopt that stray dog? I give you a quote from Main Character herself, which I’m totally not just now writing on the spot: “Cruella only wants to wear Dalmatians, I can still like other dogs”. Doesn’t that sound exactly like something our Weird Little Girl would say?

Ah, but what about later, when she adopts those Dalmatians? Main Character likes Cruella’s aesthetic and vibes, but she’s also an adult person with her own sense of self and an awareness that killing dogs is bad.

Anyway. Next slide!

I wouldn’t have to think about the Dalmatians at the end being siblings because 101 DALMATIANS DOESNT HAPPEN IN THIS UNIVERSE IT’S JUST A BOOK!!!

I checked, and One Hundred And One Dalmatians came out in 1956 (the movie is set in the 60s and 70s), so the timeline works! Also, hair bleach was safe to use by the 50s, so my scene in number 5 works too!

TL;DR: Cruella (2021) is a found family heist movie, and could be fixed by making the protagonist a normal person who’s favorite character is Cruella De Vil from the book The One Hundred and One Dalmatians

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk it’s 2 am and I’m fucking exhausted

#I do not care if this doesn’t get a single note I had fun writing it #mine #cruella 2021 #cruella #if this is in any way understandable ur welcome I tried very hard. but I also need to go to bed. so. I’ll see y’all in the morning.#10 bucks says I wake up tomorrow and don’t understand a word of it

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lv02 · 7 years ago

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today i skipped some seminars and i told my group i was going to stay home and study instead (true but also bc im having a lot of difficulty being social rn to ppl i dont know and dont trust aka everyone outside my family that doesnt know im gay) and after they ended at like 16.30 one of the ones who went (3 of 6 were there) wrote some stuff abt the online seminar tomorrow i didnt understand and honestly had zero opinion about so i just ignored it bc it would take me so much effort to make some insincere reply up (no one else said anything either but they gave her thumbs up)

then now like an hour ago (after a discussion where they clearly directed questions to me and the others who werent there and i said i felt really bad but would try to be ‘present’) she wrote a long ass message about how upset she was no one replied??? like uhhhhh maybe theres a reason we didnt??? last week we discussed our group and the contract we wrote earlier (part of our last assignment) and SHE was the ONLY ONE who was very clear with how she didnt think we owed/had to/should tell the group that we’re not coming (not even that ‘u dont have say why’ just that we didnt have to say anything at all) and SHE is upset we who werent there didnt relpy when we were literally not there for a reason? it literally took me all my effort (including tears) to write that maybe theres a reason u didnt come??? or did u have to say everything lmao (she and the other two that are a few years older were all very adamant about the whole private vs. personal thing at the start of term) and im so????? ? why the fuck does she always get so angry and then one of the other had to go like ‘if u can read it then u can answer’ and when is that ever true???????? how the fuck can u think that writing a message requires the same amount of effort as reading one???? ive calmed down now but now im just pissed off???? the other two who skipped have literally shared very personal things which could lead to not being able to fucking reply all the goddamn time so why dont they understand that lmao????????

then again one of my old coworkers who was nearly deaf had a sister (who she worked with for years before getting transferred when i was there, both were ~50) who got pissed off when she couldnt hear things (this same coworker nearly cried when i actually listened to her talking abt her illnesses bc she wasnt used to it) so idk why the fuck im surprised

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missingteethblog · 5 years ago

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04/23/2020 - 20:50

The past few days have been really overwhelming, and also I forgot/didn’t have the motivation to write anything so here we are.

4/20 was great, the high wasn’t as terrifying as the last time, and during my high I apparently made the conclusion that I was in fact bi instead of gay and I wrote a whole note on my notes app about liking women as well as who I’m normally attracted to. When I read it (sober) in the morning I just thought “huh, well I’m not bi. what “ yeah it was a journey. Otherwise very chill night, very glad I wasn’t working the next day. I honestly don’t remember anything else from that day, or Monday and Tuesday for that matter. Wednesday was a shit show though.

Wednesday started off pretty okay, went to work and got scoffed at by a manager form another dept for literally no reason so that was great, make me anxious for the rest of the entire day. It was also my dad’ birthday, and I decorated the cake (sister saw I was decorating it, asked if she could just go and I said yes because I was almost done) and later that day my mom came upstairs and told us to do something more with the cake and I thought “well, I already did my part, my sister can do the rest” and by mom decided that me and my sister were arguing (she wanted me to help even though I literally did the majority of the cake) and so she started yelling at us for it which sent me into an anxiety attack (which my mom calls “shutting down”). When she told me that I needed to “snap out of it” and that I would “ruin dad’s birthday if I acted like this for the rest of the night” I just kind of snapped and told her that every single time I have “shut down” that I had been having an anxiety attack. Which made her stop calling it that (as she had been calling it that since I started having these episodes as a child. Anyways that was shit. That was ass. Cried about it for a little bit before vaping and feeling better.

At NIGHT though, that’s when the “fun” began. I had to go to bed at 11pm (went to bed at 11:45 instead lmao) and instead of falling asleep, my brain decided to fixate on every single extremely graphic detail about everything I did while self harming, especially two particular incidents (tw graphic next part) where 1) I cut out a chunk of my flesh from the crook of my elbow which makes it impossible to get blood drawn from that arm anymore so it’s pretty bad and 2) when I cut really deep in my left forearm down past the veins (through, actually) down into the fat, and remembered (very graphically) sitting on my floor around all my stuff just squeezing around the cut so I could see the fat coming out of the cut. (tw over) Both of these disgusted my to the point where I could not fall asleep because of how awful and revolted I felt, because when you’re in that mindset (while using the coping mechanism) you don’t understand how fucked up and awful and disturbing the behaviour is until you look back on it once you’re out of that mindset (not using the coping mechanism anymore). That went on for about 2 hours before I checked my phone for the time and saw that Crywank was doing a livestream, so because I’m a faggot I watched it and they (James) responded to 4 of my comments and they were so sweet and the livestream was so good and calm (I watched it until it ended around 2:30am), and because they had interacted with 4 of my comments, and I (+ the people watching the stream) learned some things about When You Eat Yourself First Start with Your Head up Your Arse (that I won’t write about) and about them in general and it was so good I felt so much better afterward. Still didn’t fall asleep until 3:30am but I fell asleep on a much better note than very very graphic trauma. :)

Today was also shit. Got told my the meat dept manager that I wasn’t doing my job right (I was doing exactly as he told me to do) to which he corrected me by telling me to do exactly what I had been doing BEFORE he corrected me (about a month ago when I first started working as acting supervisor) which was incredibly frustrating. He seems to be pissed at me for zero reason. He also told me that I either had to come in earlier or stay at work later so that I can get the frozen and fresh loads and put them out. Earlier: the store opens at 7am, I get there at 8am and open and do everything and people are buying things from my dept, I cannot feasibly come in later than 8am. Later: believe it or not, I’m trying to graduate school during fucking quarantine right now and can’t put all my energy into work (which I am doing anyways!). So his response? To get passive aggressive with me and told one of his employees that she had to do my job since I can’t stay later than I’m scheduled. If you want me to behave like an actual supervisor, then I need to be paid the supervisor’s wage instead of my minimum wage. Bruh. I have also been working there for 3 months and am the only competent person working my dept right now. Anyways, that shit got me riled up and upset.

Later that afternoon I had a really long and deep conversation with my best friend (mostly me talking, which is abnormal). We talked about gender, the trans community, Crywank (me), what had happened on Wednesday night (me), weird nazi foot fetish porn that she found on pornhub, me simping for James (Crywank) like a faggot (which included me admitting that, since we have things in common that are kind of rare to find in other people, if we were closer in age )(they’re 12 years older than me) that we would definitely be at least mutuals I guess), my sex-repulsion and lack of sex drive, and our shared fetish. It was really nice, I definitely needed it because I felt a lot better afterwards. I don’t normally talk about myself and my problems because it makes me feel extremely self-centered and selfish (both of which are actual triggers of mine), but today I had a LOT of things I needed to talk about, so I talked about them and it was really relieving.

Also figured out a quarantine project: I’m going to put all the Crywank albums on cassettes (I messaged them on twitter and they said that it was alright) and I’m really excited to do that!! Really looking forward to it. They’re also doing a livestream concert on Saturday and I’m really really really looking forward to it! :))

Currently listening to Cough Blood On The Moon Soon by Foot Ox.

#frog posts #updates

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opepin · 7 years ago

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nov: week two

13: 5/6 pto day~ it was pretty gloomy outside so i felt a bit gloomy on the inside. kevin went to work and i woke up before he left. i ate another cinnamon raisin english muffin for bfast and then i hopped on my computer to update my tumblr. until i get my new gratitude journal, i am going to continue writing about my day, but i might change it up so that it’s bullet points again. we’ll see. i was pretty productive today. i finally decided on a gratitude journal to try it out and ordered it on amazon. then i chilled and watched some youtube videos and caught up on anime while eating lunch. after lunch, i digested a bit and then hit the gym. i thought i was going to spend it all in the yoga studio but i ended up needing to go to the fitness center so after glute activation exercises, i went across and did sumo squats and deadlifts. my legs felt so weak today. it could have been my form as well because my mind was scattered from going back and forth to the fitness center and yoga studio @_@; i managed to get through all the weighted exercises and then went back to the studio to do a burn out and hip dip exercises. i might have scared off someone in the studio, but i was in the zone so... ahha...

i came back, cooled off and stretched, and then showered and made myself a smoothie. i started prepping dinner and then kevin told me he left the office late so i just made dinner tonight. i made our spicy kale coconut fried rice and it came out pretty good (: i’m so happy with the outcome haha. kevin was also real happy to come home to a hot meal. it was nice. before cooking, i spent some time looking for my chocolate molds. they disappeared somewhere. i don’t know where they are :( i looked in all the small places as well as the storage room and no dice. kevin even looked with me after we ate :( sigh. i’m sad but i hope it will turn up somewhere. we asked the front to check our old apartment to see if we forgot it. i mean, it is transparent right? kevin went for a run after helping me look and i just continued looking until it was time to sleep. i was really bummed so i slept early. lol.

14: i got up at 7:45 am and then did my 30 minutes of stretching. it was nice and quiet in the morning and i felt like doing something but not cardio or anything of the sort. then i changed and made my smoothie for breakfast, said goodbye to kevin, and left for work. only john and haowei were in the office today. cole was waiting for a furniture delivery so he wasn’t in. mmm the moment i got on the train, i felt really sleepy. when i got into the office, i felt pretty kjsfnbkjsdf. i don’t know if it’s the heating, lack of people, etc. but i wanted to go home asap. there wasn’t much for me to do in the morning so i did some testing. then at around 11:50 pm, i ate my lunch and then packed up and headed to a chinatown market to get a carrot for our slaw tonight. i waited 10+ minutes to buy one carrot for 46 cents because the people in front of me chose to buy soy sauce that wasn’t entered into the system yet -____<” i mean it’s not their fault but the two other lines started moving faster after i was boxed into this line...

i got out and then rushed over to south station to get on my train. i waited 7 minutes for my train because it probably had left before i got to the station :( luckily, i got back at 1 pm and phil didn’t ping me about our meeting until i asked him if he was ready at 1:06 pm. we talked about next steps and upcoming sessions and then he went into a meeting and i continued to work while watching an episode of ‘jane the virgin.’ i got my blender bottle in the mail today! i washed the dishes as soon as i could so i could use it after my workout today. i also got kevin a ‘pre xmas’ gift! i saw that there was a christmas caroling and hot chocolate boat cruise so i got tickets for us because last year, he went on a team outing instead of the jazz cruise i booked for us (i took hillary instead because it made sense and we had funn!). so i thought it would be nice if he actually went this time~ hehe. kevin went climbing so after work, i cut up the carrot and cabbage and let it wilt with salt for about an hour while working out. i felt like doing a few cardio hip hop routines, standing abs, abs on a mat, and then ending everything with hip dip / bodyweight butt exercises. it was a good and fun workout. i finished seasoning the slaw after my workout and used my blender bottle to mix my protein with cashew milk. lol, the lid wasn’t locked in properly so i spilled a bit of my expensive af protein on the rice cooker and counter T___T on the bright side, everything was blended perfectly! tomorrow, i’ll try putting in some honey to see if it will mix well or not.

as i finished up with the slaw, kevin came back. we showered and then toasted burger buns, heated up the leftover pulled chicken, and ate small burgers for dinner. we were still hungry and i got an idea to make “curry buns.” i flattened out one burger bun, put leftover curry inside, sandwiched the curry inside and sealed the bread by pinching the outsides, and then pan fried it in butter. well, i did the stuffing and kevin did the pan frying. if we heated up the curry before pan frying it, i think it would have tasted better but it was fun cooking on the spot with kevin :3 <3 we split one and then i had a bite of kevin’s guava strudel while we watched the latest foodwishes video. we want to make his new soup video as well as his hasselback turkey breast video when we come back from thanksgiving. we cleaned up a little and then beat battleblock theater! omg the last few levels are so hard lmao. the ending was trololol but i think there will be a sequel. it was challenging and fun playing with kevin. :) we half-planned what to get our families for christmas (gift baskets for each of us visiting our families from harry and david).

then he gamed and i got ready for bed. this night, i was on my phone later than usual because i was chatting with daniel about working out with him when i get back, michelle about daylight savings dahkness, and chewy about us missing each other and i want to see her and i want to visit her so badly but ticket prices are so expensive from coast to coast T__T and then i did the thing where i stayed up on my phone doing nothing productive. if i got a new phone, i think i would spend more time on it, which is bad. lol. my oneplus one is my longest tech relationship with a screen (lol): 3 years and still going strong (well, my phone’s body is chipping).

15: i’ve been working out when i actually feel like it so i didn’t work out this morning and slept in :) i’m getting back to 7 hours of sleep now (more than once or twice a week)! kevin headed out for work and then i made my breakfast smoothie and started work. i’ve been craving warmer foods because it is colder now but my protein won’t taste as good if i put it in oatmeal or something. hmm, maybe i could just blend milk and protein and then eat an english muffin with pb and bananas on it. it’s a bigger breakfast but if it’s hot, i don’t think i would mind at all :) work has been chill this week because it is nearing thanksgiving and things are winding down for now. this day is a bit of a blur for me. i’m not sure what i did. i stayed at my computer for the most part until kevin got back home. i did talk to phil for a bit and then signed off and hurried to get the chicken thighs into the slow cooker. i didn’t realize it would take 4 hours for the slow cooker recipe. so i chopped up onions and garlic, put in the sauces and spices, and turned on the slow cooker. kevin got back early-ish but it he was in a heated argument with jon about sentencing. -___- this debate went on even after i went to sleep...

i snacked on edamame while kevin angrily typed away at his keyboard and waited for him to go to the gym with me. i knew it would take him more time to stop so i just left and did arms and back. i lifted mostly with 8s and 10s and took it slower this session. my arms are pretty flimsy and i still think my form is a bit off. i’m gonna check with daniel when i come back to chicago. after my workout, kevin was still debating. so i forced him to stop and go run and then i showered and added cornstarch to the thighs before it was done cooking 30 minutes later. i was pretty hungry by the time we ate. while kevin showered and cooked celery, i watched the beginning of season 5 of ‘mind of chef’ featuring ludo. lol kevin could see how excited i was and i kept gushing. i have 2-3 favorite chefs: david chang, ludo lefebvre, and christina tosi. i go nuts when i watch documentaries about them. lol. i now want to go to LA just to try all of ludo’s restaurants. instead of opening a big fancy restaurant, he went for a bit grungier strip malls in LA, which is fascinating. lol ok i’ll stop fangirling. we managed to get in a few games of helldivers before i rq’d and went to sleep because kevin would not stop debating with jon. i slept pretty late at 1 am (my phone dammit). i wrote in my gratitude journal that i just got as well. i want to think more positively. i think after this week, i’m going to stop updating my tumblr for a bit and just write in my gratitude journal.

16: i got up to go to work but after eating breakfast and changing my outfit twice, i really didn’t feel like going. so i changed back into my sleep clothes and worked from home. when it rains and looks gloomy and i’m not sure if my team is in the office, it makes me want to stay home. kevin got out of bed a bit later than usual so he went to work straight away. then i did a bit of work and phil pinged me with a new thing to do so i hopped on that. i worked on that until lunch time. then i ate lunch while watching youtube videos and downloading videos and movies to watch on my flight tuesday morning to chicagooo. after lunch, i anxiously waited for the eggie season ii drop. when it happened, i got a password screen and then all the items slowly came loading in. tbh, i wasn’t impressed :( mindy and i looked at the same time and she said she kind wanted the blur tee and i kind of wanted the oo dang long sleeve but $7 shipping is not worth for two shirts that are a bit pricey. we decided to wait for the next drop and bundle the shirts later. yeah, i had really high expectations. the season is inspired by the 2000s fashion, which i’m not a huge fan of, so maybe that’s why?

after that anti-climatic moment, daniel talked me into trying to bypass the $20 guest pass fee for his gym by live chatting someone for a free pass on his gym’s website. what he didn’t tell me is that they would call me and ask more and try to sell me their membership... man, i can’t lie. i feel so bad about it. :( i’m not gonna pick up sigh. i feel guilty for lying. anyway, i hopped on stand up and finished with the assignment phil gave me. the stand up took longer than i expected but after, i took a break to do some internet errands and stretches while watching more mind of the chef ft. ludo <3 after work, i made rice and chicken thighs for dinner. kevin came home and he made some chinese broccoli. hm i think today, i was feeling pretty moody. i watched some anime probably and some youtube videos while walking around the apartment. kevin went ahead and gamed with the guys. i think it was a pretty typical evening for us. we watched more ludo <3 while eating dinner and i continued watching after. hehe. i love this season.

17: today, i had a stressful day because of work. i didn’t work out in the morning but i ate my breakfast and then asked phil some questions and at the end of the conversation, i felt overwhelmed with the amount of videos i had to remake because of our monthly releases... so right after our talk, i hit the yoga studio. i started out with kickboxing with weights and then into hiit and a bit of legs. i ended up working out for over an hour. then i went back, drank a protein smoothie, showered, and ate lunch. i tried starting on my massive pile of work by figuring out how to streamline this process so that this won’t happen again. i like doing video tutorials but not when i am told i have to redo all the ones i’ve done because of small navigational changes... so i googled, researched, thought, brainstormed, etc about ways i can make this process easier for me and maybe for someone else in the future. i did this for a while alone until i decided to ask winston, kevin, and vivian for their ideas. winston actually video chatted with me for a while and it was nice catching up with him even though no solid solution came up. vivian gave me her best answer, which was plausible but not in the long run. kevin came back home and gave me two interesting ideas, but in the end, i had it in my mind that i had to remake all of them. oh well. it was the end of a week, so i set my mind to rest.

kevin brought me back sliders from his friday happy hour and we ate that while playing pokemon ultra sun and moon! i could have not worked a bit more and started playing but i wanted to start with kevin. we played a bit and then kevin went out for a run and then for dinner, reheated some broth to make korean rice cake soup. we watched ‘mind of a chef’ until i realized, that ludo’s season was only half of the season’s episodes... i forgot that this is how it was laid out after david chang in season 1. so we started watching the ‘best of’ episodes while eating. we ate the rest of our pomelo for dessert. we gamed for the rest of the night happily. we obviously, stayed up and gamed lol.

18: oh yes, we woke up late and we played pokemon in bed until we got hungry. then we decided to be responsible and went to do a quick grocery run. we just got edamame and bananas from bj’s because that’s what i eat on a daily basis lol. we got some ingredients to make caldo verde with the leftover kale in our fridge as well. kevin got me a slice of chocolate cake and some dark chocolate because i’ve been craving it like crazy. i know it’s going to be my time of month when i have a craving for rich dense chocolate cake lol. we also picked up chocolate covered wavy lays chips -- it’s a no. i ate it all but i would not buy again. lol. i would suggest getting ferrero roche instead. well, we got back and kevin felt like going climbing. i think we put everything away and then played more pokemon for a bit and then kevin went out. i tidied up a bit and got myself in the mood for working out. i wasn’t sure what i was going to do but i went to the yoga studio anyway. there was a girl facetiming someone in there... i felt awkward but i just did my thang in the corner while she did that. i don’t think she meant to go into the yoga studio for just that purpose because i heard her saying that he was interrupting her workout session. she left like 10 minutes after i started working out lmao.

i did full body strength today because i won’t have access to weights for most of next week. it was a good workout! i got back, made myself a smoothie, cut the potatoes and onion, and then washed some dishes. kevin got back, we showered, and he got to cooking caldo verde. i was pretty munchy at this point so i kept picking off the sausages lol. the soup turned out delicious! i think we ended up playing pokemon for the rest of the night. well, at least i did. i think kevin stopped and played hots before going to sleep. zzz.

19: today will be the last post before my gratitude journal break. we were bums again :P we played pokemon in the morning and then i was getting cramps and feeling out of it. i think we kept gaming for a while... ryan asked us if we wanted to game with him and terence and we ended up playing gauntlet together. after that, i started cleaning to be productive. at some point, i think kevin went for a run and then i worked out as well. we showered and then kevin made us fried rice with leftovers for dinner. after dinner, we digested a bit and then... hmm, maybe we ate then digested and then worked out, showered, and then cleaned the kitchen. lol. i am updating this on the 21st (when i stayed up to catch my flight to chicago) so i’m a bit out of it and 3 days ago is a lot @_@; anyway, it ended up being a really productive night. we cleaned everything and i got to rest a bit with my cramping and stuff. i tried going to sleep a bit earlier than we’ve been going to sleep because i needed to check in for southwest and get up to see the gymshark sales as well as take a call from kristen. yup. it didn’t feel like tomorrow was going to be a start to a new week aka work. i loved the way we spent this weekend just chilling and enjoying each other’s company. :)

20/21: okay, so that’ll be it for a bit. yesterday and today has been crazy. we spent monday working. i actually came up with a great game plan for the videos currently and worked a bit longer than i expected to -- i was on a grind though! we gamed together after eating dinner and when we left, we thought we had everything down, but when i got to chicago, i realized we didn’t take out the garbage... so i hope i don’t see a million fruit flies when i come back T__T i’m a bit worried but we’ll see! anyway, i stayed up yesterday because kevin’s flight to china left at 1 am and i wanted to go to the airport with him even though my flight left at 5 am. so after he went through security, i headed back to my terminal, brushed my teeth, and found a place to charge my phone. i started watching ‘psycho pass’ and i did stay up for the entire aiport process. i ko’d when i got on the plane. now it’s 10 pm and i am getting a bit sleepy. not sure if i want to do 10-15 minutes of abs anymore and/or play pokemon. i’m kind of ready to sleep. well, talk to you later, tumblr! thanks for being there for me and helping me document my life from sophomore year of high school until a year / two years after college graduation. it’s been real. i’ll be back in some way! <3

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