#i wouldnt be mad. but if she kept cutting up others work and pasting it back together without creditting then thats where the line was drawn

[gatsby-system-folks]

I have a lot of thoughts about ai and most of them are sad

[foilfreak]

4 Lords Raise Rose AU Ideas

Not a single person asked for this, but that other post where I talk about the 4 lords adopting Rose but still technically being terrible people got way more popular than I expected it to, so, with about 6 shots of tequila in my system and a terrible urge to spit my thoughts out for all the internet to see and judge, I’ve decided to make a follow up post. Here’s how I think the 4 lords would take care of Rose in the event they rebelled against Mother Miranda and decided to raise Rose as their own instead, but like under the cut after a little bit cuz i accidentally went way too fucking hard with this and I don’t want ppl to get mad at me for making them scroll for an hour to get past this post:

First and foremost, I think they’d do it in stages, and what I mean by this is that Rose would essentially be given to a specific Lord for some period of her life, like a couple years, and then when she was deemed old or strong or annoying enough, she’d be moved to a different lord for some period of time and so on and so forth. They would do this because a) they all live in different areas and have shit to do so it’s easier to have Rose live with one lord at a time and then the other lords can just go visit her there from time to time, rather than try to work out a weekly custody schedule which we all know Alcina and Karl would NEVER be able to agree on so let’s not even bother, and b) because each lord would have either some skill or set of knowledge that would make them the best for caring for Rose at that specific point in her life. This way, all the lords have a (somewhat) equal chance to be a part of Rose’s life and teach her something while she’s with them. So with all that in mind now, let’s get down to who would have Rose and at what point in her life.

1. Starting off with infant Rose, I think she’d end up with the Dimitrescu’s for the first few years of her life, and the reason why I think this is because... well, Alcina IS already a mother to 3 girls, and while we don’t know a terrible amount about Bela, Cassandra, and Daniela’s “upbringing” under Alcina, we can gleam and theorize from her notes that, despite their fully grown bodies, the girls could very well have started out with the mental and physical capabilities of infants, and thus needed to be cared for and brought up in a similar manner as infants or children until they reached a certain point where they could officially be considered adults in mentality and ability, not just in physical appearance. So with this in mind, it’s entirely possible that Alcina could have at least some vague idea of how to care for an infant child through her experiences with the bug sisters; perhaps there’s some gaps in her knowledge, but if nothing else I imagine Alcina would be an infant Rose’s best shot at surviving infancy if only because the other 3 are so incompetent on how to care for a baby that Alcina looks like an expert in comparison. Not to mention that, of the possible locations for an infant to be raised, I do genuinely think that castle Dimitrescu would be the safest place for Rose to be kept during this vulnerable part of her life. Not only that but if Alcina has actually come to care for Rose as though she were one of her own daughters, then she would absolutely spoil Rose rotten with all the nicest clothes and fanciest toys, things that a small infant wouldnt be able to appreciate but would show that she’s loved and cared for nonetheless, and don’t even get me started on the bug sisters, I could see them fawning over Rose for hours on end, playing with her, singing to her, telling her stories of all the man-things they’ve gotten to play with today, and so much more. Overall, Rose would just be the most spoiled and pampered little baby with the Dimitrescus and there’s no changing my mind about this. The only thing I’m struggling to wrap my head around is how they’d feed her, since I doubt a small infant would take very well to blood wine and human flesh. I suppose it wouldn’t be terribly outrageous for them to hire a wet nurse/nanny to care for Rose during the day while the other Dimitrescus go about their daily duties, and when Rose is finally old enough to be introduced to solid food (I.e. fried human flesh cubes) they could do what they always do and turn the nurse into wine too, I guess. It’s not a solid idea but it’s more plausible than anything else I thought of so it’ll work!

2. After spending about 3 years with the Dimitrescus, Rose would then be moved to the Beneviento house. Now, If u don’t know anything about 3 year olds, then you’re probably ignorant to the fact that they are some of the craftiest, sneakiest, and most coniving groups of people to exist on this planet. 3 year olds are masters at getting into and touching just about anything and everything u don’t want them to touch, and worst of all, u won’t realize what they’re doing until they’ve already done it and left a huge mess behind, so while the Dimitrescus love and adore Rose dearly, they know it’s sadly time to hand her over when they find her sitting on top of a pile of dead bodies playing with a metal scythe in the dungeons. Once Rose is dropped off at the Beneviento house, I imagine Donna is her usual stoic self the first few weeks Rose is with her. She’s not cold or distant necessarily, in fact she’s quite happy that it’s finally her turn with precious baby Rose, but Donna isn’t exactly known for being outwardly expressive herself (and even Angie isn’t being quite as forward as she normally is), so things are quiet and peaceful for the first little while that Rose is under her care. It’s not until Rose takes an interest in her doll Angie, and more importantly the things that Donna can do with Angie, that things really start getting fun. By the end of Rose’s first month in the Beneviento house she and Donna are the best of friends and often spend their days either playing dress up and make pretend with Donna’s extensive doll collection, or playing elaborate games of cat and mouse, where Donna will set up lots of puzzles throughout the house for Rose to find and solve (I.e. rose has to match her dress to the doll with the same one as her to find a map telling her which kitchen cabinet Donna hid the chocolate in, or something like that), but be careful little Rose, Angie has been trying to get her hands on that chocolate all day, and if u take too long, she’ll find the map first and eat all the chocolate without saving you a single piece. Just silly little puzzles with enough at stake to engage the mind of a curious 3 year old, but never enough to put rose in any actual danger. Donna is nothing if not a watchful caretaker, so she makes sure she has sight of Rose at all times, occasionally giving her a hint if she’s struggling, and perhaps occasionally making things harder if that day’s puzzle is proving too easy for her. Overall, Rose’s time with Donna, while not as grand and luxurious as the Dimitrescus, was still a fun and enriching experience for the young girl, and there’s nobody in this world who thinks that Donna’s scar is cool more than Rose.

3. After another 3 years with Donna, Rose is now 6 years old and officially far too good at puzzle solving for Donna to keep up with. No matter what she tries or how hard she makes it, Rose just keeps blazing through the puzzles at an almost alarming rate, making it clear that Rose is desperately in need of not only a change in scenery, but also a change in education, and this is where Salvatore finally comes in. After leaving the Beneviento house, I think the next logical place for Rose to stay would be with Salvatore, who, with lore hinting at him perhaps being a scholarly man of some kind, would basically act as her elementary school teacher throughout the duration of her stay. Now, to be fair, Rose could have gone to Heisenburg’s factory, but Heisenberg outright refused to take her and the other 3 lords decide that the factory is simply too dangerous for Rose rn, who thus far hasn’t shown any signs of being anything other than a normal human girl with no noticeable abilities (save for a smart mouth and a terrifying habit of popping up when least expected, a habit she mostly uses to mess with Heisenberg, much to his disdain and Lady Dimitrescu’s delight), so it is to the mutant fish man’s unimaginable delight that he is unanimously voted Roses next caretaker, and the one responsible for her basic education. Despite his initial excitement however, when Rose is finally dropped off at the windmills by Donna, Salvatore realizes that he’s not 100% sure what to do with Rose now that he has her. He’d like to get started on her education right away but at the same time he’s so fearful of Rose hating him because of his disgusting appearance that he kind of just... avoids her entirely at first. He’s never far away from the little girl and is always ready to jump to her rescue should she need it, but other than that Salvatore seldom allows himself to be seen for the first month that Rose is with him, the only sign of him still being around being the platefuls of food that mysteriously appear in Rose’s room 3 times a day, as well as the occasional shiny trinket Salvatore found and thought Rose would like. At first, rose doesn’t seem to mind being left entirely to her own devices, but after every stone, log, and rotting fish corpse within 5 miles of the lake has been turned over and thoroughly examined, Rose decides she’s had quite enough of her Uncle Sal ignoring her, prompting the headstrong little girl to go looking for him herself. She finds Salvatore hiding underneath a patch of floating algae not far away from where she was playing and all but demands that the mutant man come out of the water and give her something to do or she’d tell Mother on him. Salvatore, shocked by the small child’s fearlessly blunt request, hesitates, not wanting to frighten Rose, but ultimately relents, crawling out of the water and timidly suggesting that he teach her how to read and write. Rose quickly agrees, seeming totally unbothered by Salvatore’s grotesque appearance, and the two quickly move to the schoolroom that had been set up specifically for Rose, where Salvatore spends hours upon hours a day teaching Rose everything he knows, filling the little girl’s head up first with the basics, letters and words, then numbers and simple equations, followed later by historical dates and time periods, algebraic formulas, and classic literature analysis, then biology, chemistry, physics, astrology, calculus, ecology, and so much more. Basically, anything there is to know, Salvatore knows at least something about it and he’ll make sure that Rose knows about it too. In the 3 years Rose spends with Salvatore she goes from already sharp as a whip, to being smarter than most adults even, and Salvatore takes immense pride in how intelligent and knowledgable Rose becomes thanks to his surprisingly effective teaching style. Overall, as a caretaker, Salvatore is pretty weird and doubts himself a lot, but Rose thinks he’s funny and loves learning from him so they get along very well and she loves him very dearly! He probs teaches her to swim and fish too.

4. So another 3 years come and go with incredible speed, and its with great sadness on Salvatore’s part that Heisenberg finally comes banging on the fish man’s door, all but demanding that he now be given his turn with Rose. Now, personally, I can see several different arguments being raised by the other 3 lords over why its a terrible idea to let a 9 year old anywhere near Heisenberg, much less be given into his care fully. After about 9 years of seeing his siblings paling around with the constantly growing child, and looking like theyre having the time of their lives all the while, however, Karl decides that perhaps there’s more to this little girl than he originally thought, and, with his interest now piqued (or at the very least looking forward to pissing the other 3 off for entertainment purposes), that its only fair that he be given a turn with her now too, seeing as how he’s the only one who hasn’t been given the chance to be her caretaker yet. This naturally does NOT go over well with the other 3 lords. Alcina all but threatens to kill Karl should he step so much as within 10 ft of Rose, while Donna pipes up and demands to know what his sudden interest in Rose is. Even Salvatore, who is quick to flinch away from direct conflict, goes as far as to harshly point out the plethora of times Karl had outright denied their previous attempts to get him to engage with Rose, so why on earth would they hand her over to him now when he’s previously shown to have absolutely no interest in her? After a long spout of yelling between the 4 siblings, an agreement is reached, wherein Rose herself will be given the chance to decide whether she wants to go with Heisenberg, or whether she’ll return to one of the other 3 lords for the time being. It is to Alcina, Donna, and Salvatore’s absolute horror however, that Rose enthusiastically agrees to go with her Uncle Karl to live in his factory, and with the deal already set, the other lords can do nothing to stop her from going. The trip to drop off Rose at heisenberg’s factory is a long and arduous one, especially for Salvatore, who sobs the whole way there about Rose forgetting about him despite the young girl’s insistence that she’d visit. The first thing Karl does after officially having Rose handed over to him, is give her an extensive list of all the places in the factory in which she is under no circumstances permitted to enter without his permission (which basically only leaves the control room and the old storage closet that acts as her bedroom as viable places for Rose to go and explore). The second thing Karl does is dump her in her new storage closet bedroom and then hightail it for his workshop to work on whatever sick and twisted amalgamation he’s got cooked up this time around. At first, Rose isn’t terribly bothered by this, since she’s used to having something of an “adjustment period” when she’s with a new caretaker, but unfortunately for her, this adjustment period lasts a hell of a lot longer than the others did, and by the time 3 months of almost no meaningful contact with Karl, Rose decides to take matters into her own hands and ascends into the depths of the factory despite the express orders not to do so. Now, going back to the idea that the 4 lords are still pretty terrible people, I doubt Rose has been kept ignorant to the less savory aspects of her caretaker’s lives, and tbh she probably doesn’t think anything of the fact that the Dimitrescus makes wine out of the blood of virgin women or that Salvatore still does cadou experiments (and had her help on occasion), but I imagine even Rose would find the projects Karl works on to be at least a little

4, cont. gruesome and horrifying in nature, especially since Heisenberg is the one she knows the least about. However, instead of turning Rose away from Heisenberg, these terrifying metal creatures she sees locked up only spark her already insatiable curiosity, and by the time she finally tracks Karl down, Rose is all but trembling to learn more about this horrifyingly fascinating metal world. Unfortunately, Karl is not nearly as happy to see Rose as Rose is to see him, and the engineer all but grabs Rose by the scruff of her neck and drags her back up to the control room, yelling and screaming at her all the while about how she was explicitly instructed not to enter these parts of the factory without his permission. Needless to say that Rose does not enjoy this treatment and immediately lashes out, half out of anger and half out of confusion as to why Karl was treating her like this. He was the one who wanted her here in the first place, so why the hell was he just ignoring her now? It didn’t make any sense and it was starting to piss Rose off, so naturally the only thing left for her to do in order to solve this complicated situation would be to continue to disobey Karl until he either gave up and sent her back to one of the other lords, or finally payed some damn attention to her for once. So that’s exactly what she did. Every single day Rose left her room (which Karl kept telling himself he needed to put a lock on, but never did cuz he’s an idiot) and descended down into the depths of the factory looking for something ogle at or tinker with, and every single day Karl would track her down wherever she’d managed to get to and throw her back upstairs threatening to feed her to the lycans if she did it again. This incredibly frustrating cycle continued on for the better part of the next month or so, finally coming to a head when Rose managed to wander into the part of the factory where the... less than successful experiments got put whenever Karl doesn’t have any further use for them but is feeling too lazy to kill them off himself. Long story short, Rose runs into a Sturm that chases her around the factory, causing all manner of mayhem and destruction, and would have torn her to ribbons had it not been for Karl, who jumped in at the last second and was able to fend the damn thing off long enough for Rose to get the ever living fuck out and back up to the control room where it’s safe. There’s a lot of loud noises and explosions coming from deep within the factory that last for what feels like an eternity, but Rose doesn’t dare venture out again until everything has gone eerily quiet and a deep sense of worry has settled in the pit of her stomach over what had become of her latest caretaker. Turns out the Sturm had recognized its creator and, after watching its initial prey escape because of said creator, quickly decided that it fucking hated Karl with every fiber of its being and wanted him dead if it was the last thing it’s propellers did. Now, we all know that Karl is a big strong boy who’s more than capable of handling his own creations and taking down strong enemies, but the Sturm is a creation that even he struggles to control on good days and today is decidedly not a good day so not only does Karl not have the slightest bit of control over the death machine trying to kill him, but its also a lot stronger than Karl initially thought and apparently not picky about the method which causes Karl’s death, which is evidenced by the nearly dead Sturm ramming itself into a power generator as a final act of defiance and nearly blowing up the whole factory and everybody inside. Heisenberg is able to contain the explosion somehow but not without considerable damage to himself first. Rose is, naturally, quite horrified to find Karl passed out in the elevator that had taken him up from the lower levels of the factory where the explosion was, skin burnt nearly to a crisp in certain areas and blood pooling from just about every part of him, and immediately heads over to try and help her injured caretaker.

4, cont. again cuz I physically can’t stop myself. Now, I imagine that any normal 9 year old probably wouldnt be able to handle this sort of situation in any meaningful way, but i think we can all agree that Rose is the furthest thing from normal (especially considering who raised her) and has probably seen enough blood and gore to not be terribly freaked out by it, but this is where things get a little speculative because we don’t know what Rose’s powers are exactly but we do know from the final cutscene that she does have them, perhaps even a plethora of abilities, and I like to think that some of those powers are related to Ethan’s superhuman healing capabilities, but unlike Ethan however, who from what we’ve seen could only heal himself, Rose can actually heal other people (tho this isn’t something she’s aware of at this point in time). The second the elevator door opens to reveal, what looks to be, a half-dead Karl slumped over in the corner, Rose panics and runs to him, doing everything she can think of save for maybe grabbing him by the collar or slapping him across the face, to try and get Karl to wake up, except nothing works, he wont wake up no matter how hard Rose tries and i imagine this must be incredibly distressing for Rose who never intended for something like this to happen or for her caretaker to die because he had to protect her even tho he told her not to go down there because its dangerous and anything down there WOULD kill her if given the opportunity. Anyways Rose is now full on sobbing on top of Karl like only a 9 year old who just discovered that her actions have consequences can, but unbeknownst to her (and technically Karl cuz he’s a little busy bleeding out all over the floor) Karl’s wounds are slowly beginning to close, the burns on his face and hands shift from a bright red to a dark brown before crusting over and flaking off, and even his breathing, which had been labored and inconsistent at first, began to level out slightly. Karl woke up not long after that and was surprised to find that a) he was still alive, which was cool, b) he was injured but not in indescribable pain, also cool, and c) there was a literal sobbing child all but sitting on top of him, which is definitely not something Karl was expecting but he supposed he’s been met with worse things upon waking up after almost dying so why question it. After taking a moment to gather their bearings, the two return to the safer parts of the factory to rest and recover and for the most part this little incident of their’s goes largely unspoken, with Rose not exactly in the mood to talk about how her disobedience nearly got herself and Karl killed, and Karl being too fucking tired to go after her about it, especially since she seems to have learned her lesson. The only downside to this whole thing is that now Karl has a busted up fuckin leg thats gonna take an eternity to heal even for him, and with so much work to still do he’s more or less forced to drag Rose around the factory and use her like the annoying assistant he never wanted (except he did want her, thats how this whole fucking mess started, you lug), except that Rose, who is more than used to playing lab assistant from her time with Salvatore, quickly proves to be a rather capable and handy person to have around, if only because she knows the difference between a philips and a flathead screwdriver even better than he does. An amicable, if still slightly awkward peace settles over Heisenberg’s factory once Karl starts actively engaging with Rose and giving her something to do on a daily basis, even if its just standing around watching him work and occasionally having her questions about what he’s doing answered. It doesn’t take very long after that for Karl to begin realizing that perhaps throwing a huge tantrum to get Rose to come here only to ditch her upstairs by herself for 3 months might not have been the smartest (or most considerate) thing he’s ever done, and even goes as far as to (kinda) apologize to Rose for being such a dick to her since she arrived.

4, last one i swear. Rose forgives him, though not before adding that she already knew he was an asshole from Alcina, which earns her a halfhearted swipe from Karl that Rose easily dodges with a childish giggle. From that point on their relationship improves astronomically as Karl finally gives in and teaches Rose about about engineering and everything else that goes into making the metal horrors that he’s known for. Karl is shocked at how quickly Rose picks up on the trade, getting to the point where Karl wonders if he should start giving Rose her own projects to work on, but quickly rolls his eyes and groans when he remember that Salvatore was the one responsible for her education up until this point, the mere thought of having to give compliments to that “moronic freak” for giving Rose such a good educational foundation makes him want to vomit despite how secretly impressed he is. Overall, Rose’s time with Heisenberg starts out shaky, very shaky even, but after a bit of disaster and some swallowing of the pride on Karl’s part, they end up growing quite close and have a nice fun Uncle and martass Neice dynamic. They make a good team and Karl does genuinely enjoy having a little assistant around to help him with his projects, even if Rose can sound a bit too much like Alcina on some days for his liking.

5. 3 more years come and go and now Rose is a strong and healthy 12 years old, perhaps riddled with a few more scars and smearings of ash and motor oil across her skin than when she first arrived but still strong and capable nonetheless. Going back to that first statement however, this of course means that it’s time for the other 3 lords to come banging on Karl’s door for a change, all but demanding that Rose be handed back over to them. Karl of course refuses, telling them all to fuck off and that Rose didn’t want a leave the factory, so upon realization that all 4 lords were gathered here with the intention of taking Rose back to live with them indefinitely, a fight immediately breaks out between the 4 siblings, as each one makes their case as to why Rose should be returned to them and not the other 3, which of course none of the 4 lords can come to an agreement about because they ALL want Rose to stay with them. So after another long and pointlessly arduous argument, Alcina finally breaks, proclaiming that they’d be here for all eternity of they didn’t make a decision now, and that, like the first time the 4 siblings argued over whether Rose should go with Heisenberg or return to one of the previous lords, Rose would be the one to decide which of her four caretakers she would return to. The agreement is made reluctantly, mostly on the part of Salvatore, Donna, and Heisenberg, but there was seemingly no other way for them to come to a decision, so it would unfortunately have to be up to Rose to decide which of her 4 caretakers she wants to stay with permanently. Rose is quickly brought before the 4 lords and explained the situation, before being given some time to herself to think and make her final decision. A tense and uneasy silence falls over the 4 lords as they wait for the little girl, who they had shown an uncharacteristic amount of mercy and time and devotion and love in the 12 years since Mother Miranda had brought her to the village with the intention of using her to revive an already lost and long-gone baby that she never would have gotten back no matter how hard she tried. Although they refused to admit it to one another, the lords all secretly knew that Rose had wormed her way into each of their cold, dead hearts, reviving an aspect of their humanity that they’d all thought had been lost ages ago. Rose came to the village bringing with her a wave of death and destruction, and yet throughout her childhood she has brought them nothing but light and life, illuminating their previously dark and desolate existences. The 4 lords loved their Rose very dearly and desperately wanted her to be happy, yet each of them possesses a dark and selfish desire to have Rose pick them over the other 3, to come and live with them forever and fill the hole deep inside them that they never knew needed filling. After a short while, Rose comes back out and stands before her 4 beloved caretakers, looking around nervously as she picks at her fingernails. The silence is thick and heavy as the 4 lords stare at the young girl, waiting with bated breaths for her to give her final verdict. Rose continues to say nothing as tears begin to flow from her eyes, sliding down her cheeks in thick streams as the girl begins to sob, dropping her head and clenching her dress. The 4 lords look between one another in confusion, unsure of what to do with this sudden burst of tears. Rose tearfully admits that she can’t and doesn’t want to choose which of the 4 lords she wants to live with permanently because she loves them all very much and wants to be able to see and live with all of them, like they’ve done thus far. Although the lords detest the idea of having to share Rose with anyone, they reluctantly come to an agreement for the girl’s sake, deciding that they would continue with the arrangement they’ve had thus far, only that Rose would switch between caretakers every 3 months instead of every 3 years, giving rose plenty of opportunities to see each of her caretakers just like she wanted. From then on, Rose continues to live her life

5, cont. growing up and learning more and more from each of her beloved caretakers. Although Rose would likely never know what a normal life looks like, living with 4 criminally insane monsters in the remote mountain village in Romania, it would be impossible to say that she wouldn’t have a happy life despite that. Perhaps its because the girl simply doesn’t know any better, so she doesn’t have the ability to see just how messed up her life and her 4 caretakers really are, but i imagine that Rose probably wouldn’t care very much to learn even if she had the opportunity. She’s a happy little girl living a strange but enjoyable life with the only family she’ll ever need. What more could she possibly ask for?

6. As for how Mother Miranda would play into this whole scenario I’ve just drunkenly spat out, im honestly not 100% sure. Ive seen some people suggesting that MM just kinda chills and lets the lords do what they want with Rose, but tbh I honestly don’t see that happening in this universe. MM would still have been just as crazy and driven to get Eva back as she was in canon, so i doubt she’d willingly standby and let her “false children” take away her one shot of getting her real child back simply because they didn’t want to hurt her, i just don’t personally see that happening. The two most likely scenarios i can come up with is that the Lords either banded together and look Miranda on together, their combined forces being enough to take her down and kill her, OR, Ethan is the one to take down MM like he did in canon but he passes out before he can get to rose, giving the lords (who he hadn’t ended up killing but just escaping from i guess) the opportunity to slide in, grab rose, and hightail it out of there, leaving Ethan’s body to be retrieved by Chris, who, due to not seeing or hearing Rose anywhere, believes that Rose must have been accidentally killed along with MM, which he later tells to Ethan and Mia. Regardless of how MM gets taken out of the picture (or if she’s given room to potentially come back later), the 4 lords retreat with Rose and begin the whole cycle I explained up above, but i did want to briefly address how I saw MM fitting into all of this since she is a vital part of the original story and the biggest obstacle to the lords having anything to do with Rose.

Anyways, that was so much longer than I intended it to be but I had so much fun with it just because it gave me the opportunity to spit some fun ideas and potential plot points out about this cool AU that I like and hope someone does SOMETHING with, please god someone do it, I’d do it myself but i have enough projects at the moment unfortunately. If you managed to make it all the way to the bottom, thank you for reading all of that, I appreciate it, and I hope you enjoyed at least some parts of this, and maybe even agree with some of the things I said. Feel free to leave your own ideas in the comments, I’d love to read them and hopefully if enough people like this maybe i will actually do something with it. Who knows? I certainly dont. Anyways thank you for reading all this, i hope you have a great day, and maybe ill see you around in another post. Bye!!! <3

[foulserpent]

ned has the most fleshed out history of any of my OCs. i typed it out over the past couple of days, theres some stufff missing but its over 2000 words as is.

here is neds life story prior to the oblviion crisis

ned was born in a village near falinesti’s summer rooting site. his father died before ned was born, and ned was raised by his mother and various farmhands in the community.

his mother was a farmer (though she had a shady past he was always peripherally aware of but never privy to), and they raised hogs and chickens for milk/meat/eggs and would be part of falenesti’s supply chain every year. niviiran also lived nearby, and the two were close friends throughout their childhood and adolescence.

“nasty ned” was in fact his birth name and a name he continued to use, though going by the latter part. he was never able to find out why his mother named him that. the name came in handy, given that ned is transgender and already had a fairly “masculine” name. he was recognized as a boy since he was around 10, but his mother was unable to afford the hormone replacement potions until his later teens.

when ned was 16, he started taking jobs at falenesti, mostly as a bouncer at its taverns. he had been a bit of a nervous child before that and to this day isnt sure why he chose that line of work, but it toughened him up considerably.

when he was about 20, his friend niviiran was being heavily pressured into marrying off to secure her family’s inherited silk business. niviiran saw this as the only chance to escape her emotionally abusive parents, and proposed the notion of entering into a (false) marriage with ned until she could get away. he agreed, both desiring to help his friend and hoping to benefit from niviiran’s far wealthier parents.

during this time, he had his first Actual intimate relationship, but it only lasted about a week. he had picked up a girlfriend at his job, but being emotionally immature and a bit of a dick, he thought that he did not need to inform her that he was TECHNICALLY married, since the marriage was fake and him and niv both did not mind. she left when he found out.

this marriage fell apart within a year, largely as a result of ned panicking and letting it slip while drunk at a gathering with niv’s family. this caused a huge commotion mostly directed at him (and was worsened by his continued panicking), and culminated in niviiran’s brother beating him and attempting to run him over with a horse as he fled. his leg was badly crushed and was saved by his mother.

though their marriage was fake, niviiran and ned had a real falling out as a result of this. both obviously felt bad for the harm to the other, but niv was very angry at ned for having let it slip and putting her in the position of having to run away from her controlling parents rather than leave freely. ned at the time was surprised and hurt that she was so mad, having taken her friendship for granted, and responded in kind. they separated angrily and did not see each other again after that point, and the way he treated niv is one of his first and biggest regrets.

after his leg was mostly healed, he decided he wanted to leave valenwood, at least for a while. he had developed some skill as a bodyguard, and managed to get himself hired to guard a merchant caravan that looped through valenwood, elsweyr, and cyrodiil. this was the time where he really came into his own in mercenary type fields, learning to use swords/shields/armor and how to hold his own against much larger foes. he also learned how to cook at this time, and had his first boyfriend. this relationship was not serious and did not last past ned’s contract with the caravan, but was significant and fondly remembered.

he chose not to continue as a caravan guard, and became interested in mercenary work instead. he joined up with cyrodiil’s fighters guild, and spent the next decade or so working for them. late in this period, he was subcontracted out to mainland morrowind on a longterm job as a hired guard. during this time, he met and began a relationship with yaksha gra-dralas, a morag tong agent. their relationship lasted about three years until ned’s contract ended. it was somewhat serious, but neither felt it was working out well enough to continue (and neds ass was too small). they went their separate ways, and ned returned to cyrodiil.

ned continued working for the fighters guild for an indeterminite amount of years, culminating in the events of oblivions fighters guild questline occurring. when ned was demoted for the death of the guildmaster’s son that he had nothing to do with, he decided that the guild was going to shit and that he was leaving. he resigned, and spent a few years hiring himself out independently as a mercenary or whatever else was paying.

eternally bad at settling, he became unsatisfied and decided to move again. he moved to vvardenfell, where he would live for the next 30 years or so. during this time, he joined their chapter of the fighters guild, took many odd jobs, and became more radicalized against the empire than he had already been (which was a lot).

notably, in the latter half of his time there, he met the disowned son of a hlaalu nobleman named ondryn. he and ondryn were assigned together on a longterm fighters guild job out in the wilderness, and began a relationship that would last a decade. it was ned’s longest relationship, and also the first one that he seriously considered the possibility of being permanent and settling with. he had loved all his partners before this, but ondryn was very special to him and brought out something much more serious in him.

it was this relationship that would also lead to ned’s involvement with daedric cults. ondryn was dissident against the tribunal and a follower of azura, boethiah, and mephala. this was just casual everyday worship, but the two joined an active sect of boethiah worshippers (at least partially trying to impress each other). ned had never been religiously motivated and believed that gods were not owed worship any more than anyone else, but was drawn to the “good daedra” for their seemingly mutually beneficial relationship with mortals.

ned was never the most devoted of boethiah’s sect, but through skill and luck he continuously proved himself worthy, and eventually was challenged to and won a tournament of 10 bloods. he was granted a title as champion of boethiah, and bestowed with the artifact goldbrand.

for a while, he proved himself worthy by continuing to maintain his position and defeat any challenger who came his way. but at one point, he was successfully kidnapped along with a fellow boethiah worshipper to be sacrificed to molag bal. he managed to free himself of his binds and escape, and came back with reinforcements to slaughter the rest of molag bal’s faithful, but it was too late for his friend.

this was the first decidedly traumatic incident of his life, and marked the beginning of a slow downturn of his life and his mental health. he was wracked with guilt at having left his friend to die, and was beginning to realize he wasnt really cut out for the whole champion of boethiah thing, rightfully fearing that he had lost favor for this weakness. in a stupid move (that would turn out smart in the long run in bargaining for his soul back), he kept goldbrand but fled with ondryn from the cult, ghosting boethiah and just hoping it wouldnt come back to bite him.

the blight was also worsening in vvardenfell at this point, with things beginning to get pretty scary. ned had repeatedly expressed desire for him and ondryn to flee vvardenfell, but the latter saw all this as just another crisis that would pass with time, and ned accepted this. around the time of the beginning of morrowind’s events, ondryn fell sick after an encounter with one of the ash creatures from red mountain. when it became obvious and undeniable that it was corprus, ondryn resigned himself to dying and asked of ned to help him be properly cremated and interred in his family tomb. all of ondryn’s living relatives had disowned him, but he still desired to be buried in his rightful place.

agreeing to this was the hardest thing ned had ever done. ondryn said goodbye and took poison, and ned was left alone to burn and lay his body to rest. he almost couldnt bring himself to do it, but eventually succeeded. after it was done, ned remained in the tomb for a few days, catatonic and just waiting to see if he would show symptoms himself. when it became clear that he had not contracted corprus, he considered suicide but became disgusted with himself and decided against it.

he remained in vvardenfell for a short while after this, but when his beloved guar (“jelly”) passed away of old age (mercifully peacefully), he decided enough was enough, and returned to cyrodiil. he had a couple of brief encounters with a person who he would later learn was the nerevarine, and left only weeks before the defeat of dagoth ur.

upon returning to cyrodiil, he was in a rut. he had become near-broke, had newly acquired mental health issues, had a constant fear of boethiah sending prospective champions after him, and had nothing to do with himself. he settled into the imperial city waterfront as a squatter, and attempted to join the thieves guild, but failed the initiation. desperate, he began thieving on his own, sometimes doing jobs for others and sometimes just to have money to get by.

he took a very large risk in agreeing to steal and imperial watch captain’s heirloom sword, and was captured in the act. he resisted arrest and injured the captain, and the captain personally intervened to get him a much steeper sentence than he otherwise would have. he was put into the imperial city prison for a few weeks, before being transferred to the arena and being put to work as a gladiator.

this was essentially a death sentence, with no determined ending besides dying in the arena. he met shap-mota here, a bard who had been blamed for a string of brutal assaults in spite of being pretty unquestionably Not the culprit. the two of them had an intimate relationship throughout this time, and struck up a friendship, but they were under a painful and unusual situation and it could not really be called a romantic relationship.

for a time, ned was managing well. he managed to get some serious dirt on one of the guard captains and effectively blackmail him. he wasnt able to secure his freedom, but was able to force his hand into giving him his sword (goldbrand) back and giving him and shap a bit more leeway as prisoners. having goldbrand is likely the only reason he survived and won all his death matches, but his uncooperativeness and humiliation of a few of the guards gave them a massive grudge.

after about 5 months, shap narrowly won a match, but had been gravely injured in the process and collapsed. ned last saw him being dragged out from the arena, and never saw anything that would indicate shap being alive, and had to assume he died. things got really bad after that, with ned having no buffer against the ire of the guards and other prisoners. he lost his blackmailing opportunity (though was allowed to keep goldbrand, due to the crowd loving his signature flaming sword) and was given absolutely terrible treatment from his captors.

he became incredibly disgusted with being forced to kill other prisoners and enraged at challengers who fought willingly. as he rose in the ranks, he was kept going by not knowing what else to do and by a grim satisfaction at murdering people who willingly chose to be combatants. this was very traumatizing.

ned achieved champion rank, though he almost lost his final match. his opponent disarmed him and instead of killing him, gloated and slashed at him with goldbrand, ripping his abdomen open and giving him his biggest scars. ned managed to take him by surprise and kill his opponent before passing out from shock and blood loss.

he woke up a day later to find he had been released. evidently, no one expected him to live that long and it was decided he might as well be let go. ned already had trauma to deal with, but was suddenly experiencing very unusual and new symptoms (which was ptsd and an anxiety disorder) that he had no idea what to do with. he was also convinced that his challenger was there on boethiah’s behalf, though he cant be sure of that, and the fear of being killed and left to the daedra who probably owned his soul took hold of him again.

he had been given some prize money, and he collected himself and left. he moved into kvatch, and rented an attic from some dunmer in exchange for proofreading his stupid “opus” about him killing all the cliff racers or whatever.

ned spent a few years in a haze, kind of just drifting through life, getting into shit here and there. there was an “incident” involving the towns blacksmith at the general store, and he was not arrested but was considered to owe a favor to the town’s watch captain due to the chaotic results that few dare to speak of.

this favor was finally cashed in when kvatch was burnt down by mehrune’s dagons invasion force and they needed someone to try and close the gate, and lo and behold here comes ned “owes a favor” nasty and some argonian from out of town who just kind of wandered in.

[winnies-headcannons]

Kyoya x reader

Secret crush

Summery: kyoya just knew he liked you from the way you walked to the way you care for others. You were a family friend of kyoya so he had known you since birth, he had secretly liked you for awhile but family buisnness got in the way. You guys havent talked in a while but when you joined the host club his heart stopped.

Trigger warnings: Drinking, arguing, fluff, slapping

A/N: I hope you like this, I've been having writers block lately but this idea inspired me!! Anyway enjoy!

Koya's eyes widened, his heart racing like horses on a race track. Out of everyone in the school, Tamaki had to choose you to be the new host, a girl he had known since birth, a female he had liked for forever but too stubborn to tell you. You meant everything to him but he let his work get in the way. He had pushed you away to focus on the family business as he tried to impress his father.

After the host introduced themselves you smiled, you couldn't help but stare at the black-haired glasses-wearing guy, he looked more mature than he did when you guys were little. His chest was buffer, his facial expression more serious. It was kinda...hot.

"Hi, my name is l/n y/n, second-year student!" You exclaimed introducing yourself to the hosts, you were honestly excited to get started. You were the first female to be in the club that will be working with guys (besides Haruhi at times). One thing you didnt except was that your childhood best friend/crush would be the manager of this type of club. I mean come on the Kyoya ootori a host? Kinda hard to believe, he wasn't the 'host' type.

"Well well well, got ourselves a cute little kitten~" the ginger-haired makes spoke in sync, your face became a light shade of pink "you're gonna be fun~," the one named Hikaru said resting his arm around your shoulders. Kyoya got pissed, he didn't want anyone to touch you but he didn't want anyone to know so he just watched from behind the black book he always writes in. "Wow Tamaki was right you two do look just alike!" You smiled, you can't believe the resemblance they had, identical twins!

It was a few hours before the club opens and you were just starting it up with the club. They told you how they wanted something more for the club, they wanted it to surpass high school, you found it quite amazing how hard they work just to please girls. "Oh that reminds me, you didn't get to meet kyoya when we introduced ourselves!" Tamaki exclaimed "no need me and y/n have known each other for years" kyoya interrupted, "she's a family friend" his voice monotone, never looking up from his book. The club mentally facepalmed, they knew there was a reason why you didn't talk to him. "Yup, but we kinds fell off in middle school..so we haven't really talked since then" your heart pulled at you're chest, it hurt you've loved him for so long yet he just pushes you away.

"I didnt seem you to be the host type kyoya" you exclaimed turning around to look at him, he smirked from behind the big black book "nor did I, tamki talked me into it" turning toward tamaki he was doing his little kingly pose "yes all my idea!" God he was full of it. "We must not delay the ladies and gentlemen-" he looked towards you "are going to be here soon! We must get the club ready" everyone nodded got to their designed spot but kyoya didnt move just sat there so you decided to sit with him at the back of the room. "So..how have you been" you shyly said, you noticed how he didnt even look up from his book not once. "If your attempting to small talk me its not gonna work, Y/N I'm a very busy man and I dont have time for silly small talk" this made your heart hurt, you knew he wouldnt really wanna see you but figured it's been so long since you've last seen each other, Guess you were wrong.

"O-okay" you put on a fake smile and walked to your designated spot fighting back tears. In the back of your head thinking maybe, just maybe he would be different. Hours have gone by and it was honestly a good first day, flirting with guys and them flirting back, even got a few numbers. Your population was growing quickly, I mean it should everyone knew at this point that your family was close to the ootori family so they wanted to get on your good side. School had ended at this point and you were waiting by the front gate for your ride, but thanks to the buisnness of your father and his driver he couldnt make it. You had gotten the text on your phone a few minutes ago that he couldnt make it, you only sighed not surprised but disappointed.

Sitting on the front gate fountain you sighed, how were you gonna get home? It was too far to walk and you didn't really know anyone well enough to get a ride with someone except..no, no you couldn't, he didn't wanna even talk to you let alone give you a ride home.

"Your father not coming?" A voice appeared out of nowhere. Looking up from the phone you see the devil himself, Kyoya. "Ah, no he's busy" a fake smiled crept on your face, he was the last person you wanted to see at the moment.

"Well seeing as we live close to each other it would only make sense you ride with me" his dace black his stare harsh, you didn't want to but yet you did. Only wanting to know why he pushed you away so much. "A-alright" you agreed, walking with him to his limo. "We're taking miss L/N home first" kyoya exclaimed to the drive, he only nodded and drive off. It was silent half of the way there till you got the guts to speak "Kyoya..why did you push me away" oh God why did you ask that your anxiety oh the frights now. He looked up at you and was silent for a quick second "Y/N you should know the answer. We are both very important people and we can't let a friendship get in the way of things" he huffed out "but we've known each other all this time why now" he was starting to piss you off, you just wanted your friend back, you wanted to see if y'all could be more. "Because my father's business is much more important than our petty friendship" tears were on the verge of your eyes, clenching your fist on your dress "why do you care so much" looking down and tears falling down your face "because I love you.." He eyes widened and his heart racing, did you really mean it? All this time he thought you were just playing him. "y/N I-" suddenly he was cut off by the sudden stop of the limo. "Don't bother kyoya like you said, your work is way more important than me" you got out of the limo leaving him speechless.

The last thing you remember about that night was running to your room and crying your eyes out, you even snuck into your dads room and stole some alcohol and chugged it, throwing it up instantly as your body wasn't use to it. Even though you kept puking you just kept drinking till eventually you were drunk off your ass making you fall asleep.

The next day the worst hangover hit you, school was the last thing on your mind but had no choice, after spending to much time in the bed past your alarm you got up and got ready for school. Arriving at school you went straight to the host club knowing everyone would be in there, rubbing your temple as you opened the door. "Wow Y/N you look like shit" one of the twins said you only grunted at their statement and sat down on the couch next to haruhi "jesus Y/N you smell like alcohol" the female dressed as a male (still valid) covered their nose. "Sorry didnt have time to shower, but damn I have a hangover like no tomorrow" rubbing your temple Mori handed you a water with a simple 'here'then walked away. The hosts was crowded around you wanting to know why you drank so much last night. "Listen guys I dont wanna talk about it." Kyoya was getting mad, a simple argument made you drink so much last nigh? He slammed his book closed causing everyone to be quiet, he stood up quickly and walked to you grabbing you by the hand causing you to stand "are you stupid? Drinking at your age, ruining your system" he stared you straight in the eyes "why do you care, why not just go write in your little book if yours." You harshly said making his jump back a little "if you weren't such a DICK maybe you would have more friends, maybe someone would love you MAYBE-" you were cut off by a pair if warm soft lips, it was kyoya, his hands on both side of your face. You never kissed back only stared at him in shock. Soon he let go of your alcohol tasting lips, "I do love you" you heart skipped a beat, beating as fast as it could go, tears formed at the edge of your eyes.

Slap

Your hand met his soft pale face as hot tears streamed down your face. "I love you more" you smiled then hugged him, guess this is a perfect life.

[dreamsanddreams88]

Had to join huge 2 year ecos group chat, led by jonny and joe, about some meetup. I had real short hair again and looked stupid on facetime. Then i was fighting some skyrim ice demon so i had to shoot arrows at it and cast spells but it was real life

In some weird skyrim universe, but could hop to parallel ones like in rick & morty. Visited aunt ellen i think, then had to go back to original timeline? Anyway then i was going to a magic tower in medieval city, but the tower would shock anyone that touched it without getting an enchantment first. Met the princess, kissed her hand. Courtney from west was there, she had a bowl cut and was being self deprecating so i yelled at her in front of everyone about how pretty she was.

I was at some house party and a fire spread outside, landed on really dry-ass firewood pile and went up huuuge. Marlaines mom was there and i had a crush on her? Then i was at a party with bill gates and others, i got a scholarship from them for masters degree but it had to be about animals in some way, i just wanted to do creative writing. Was out on balcony with bill gates talm bout his past, how old he was when he did all his shit, lookin at city skyline

Super scary dream that russia was doing all sorts of weird shit and ppl were thinking maybe they were gonna nuke us, kept finding weird objects all over and ppl said it was from russia but no on knew for sure

I was going to a weird boarding house elliot lived in to try and date him again for some reason? His room was super small, in a weird hallway so ppl had to walk thru it to get to basement stairs. One of his roommates was seth green. He owned bae, but she was suuuuper sick with a fever so we put her on ice bags. Ate dinner with all his roommates, gigz was there and 2 girls we used to know? One might jave been alex's sister. They had heard all these rumors and were mad at me, like that i didnt like gigz or i couldnt have kids or i was talkin shit about them. Set record str8, mad at elliot for not dispelling them. Decided it wouldnt work out even tho we tried, nagged him 2 take bae 2 vet. Texted alex to hang out, then morphes into harry potter taking secret trail with hermione into hogwarts. One trail led 2 malfoy manor, one to madam pomfreys orchard, one to cave where sirius hid as a dog. Went there, cleaned scratch marks, set out fresh rat for him to eat like he was gonna come back

Aunt ellen was married to hugh jackman and their kid was really young, hugh jackman died tragically. At his funeral or whatever, aunt had a new boyfriend who i caught molesting the kid. Called in my brother and the sanchez boys and we all beat the shit out of him. Then i was working for dawn, and i was on a crew with shelsey and maybe jenna and some others. Two ppl left early, dawn was gonna let me leave early too if jenna and dude driving the work trucj stayed to finish. Felt ashamed to i stayed, our truck lockup was at this skate park.

[survivor-rebelsvsroyals]

EPISODE 1-Well here the f*ck we are again! - Trace

As the game begins and everyone gets used to their new camps, personalities clash together. In the first challenge of the season, a mistake and a fumble causes Keaton a big loss but merges alliances together.

I want to die

ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO TALK TO SURVIVOR PEOPLE THAN BIG BROTHER PEOPLE. I’m in IHOS right now and they’re so overly dramatic, it’s not funny. I already feel good about this tribe- such cuties! Also, I hope I’m the first confessional.

I'm about to be devoured alive on this tribe. I don';t know anyone here. But I peep icons like RTP, Dana, and Ruthie on the other tribe

I don’t trust any of these people, HAHA. I am really excited though. Right now I’m trying to talk up Linus and Seamus because I don’t trust EITHER and I want to be in their good sides. I also want to get in good with Amanda and Pippa. I feel like Glo and I are good and I want to get a solid bond with RTP but... we’ll see! IM NOT putting all my eggs in one basket! On the plus side I think we have a real solid team! There are still a few people I need to talk to but... I’m being more social this season already than I’ve been on some of my others.. heh

lmao can i mutiny?? Earlier this year i had a falling out with some ex friends and one of them is in this game and the other one has a bestie thats in this game and honestly its exhausting. I wouldnt mind being here if they kept things game related but i know that they're going to make things personal and they're going to continue to spread lies about me.

tell me WHY my favorite person i have talked to so far (linus) is a STRAIGHT MAN. why am i hoe for the straight men. i have become the very thing i swore to destroy. i literally hate myself.

As of right now, I want to do either paintball or bottles because I don't want to be the SOLE reason we lose in one of those individual challenges. Also, I think I'm pretty good at endurance challenges for paintball so it'll be fine. My tribemates seem to be an active, ok bunch. I like most of them. I'm getting really good vibes from Dan, Chloe, and Trace. They would be the people I'd add to an alliance. I haven't talked to LAchie or Kwaton yet so maybe they'll be my target if we lose. Nic is pretty cool. I think we'll get along well. Still trying to sus him out. Everyone else is just fine in my eyes. But they're all just obstacles in my way

*a little while later*

The tribe call was initially about the challenge, but now it has become something greater: an alliance. I always try to get alliances early within tribe calls. It makes the pre-merge a lot easier for me. I actually really enjoyed the company of John and Chloe. I didn't think I would, but here I am. If Brien was on a little longer then he would've been in it too. Oh well. Maybe he'll be in the next alliance I create.

*even later*

I really fucked that one up. Jesus christ. I did terrible. Hopefully my tribe can carry the other challenges because doing that badly is almost first boot worthy. Ugh I fucking hate myself

*the camera man keeps recording but is losing consciousness*

I truly do not know how my tribe can be this messy with challenges this early on. Keaton is seemingly going to fuck up the puzzle since he GAVE HIS LAPTOP AWAY. We're a mess. The first challenge isn't even done. Jesus, if we go to tribal, I am praying that they will not want me gone. It'd be terrible

I meant to send this last night but I think Ryan got himself out on purpose.  Did he or did he not... that is the question! So I’m getting along really well with Linus, Amanda and Anabel at the moment. I love Glo but I feel like people will be down to vote her off if we lose. Hopefully my people winning the paintball match will mean all four of us will be safe but people are crazy so... we’ll see!

I'm kind of frustrated with my tribe right now. It seems like none of them know what they are doing in the challenge. "I can't find the puzzle." "I don't know the phrase." "What's the order?" Y'all should have figured this out a day ago. But whatever. I guess we'll lose and I'll have to cut out some weak links. I'm very over the absolute unprofessionalism of this tribe. 

YAAAAAS I’m so happy we won the first immunity challenge. I’m pretty sure if our tribe loses then I’m going to be the first person to leave the game. Literally NO ONE is talking game with me, I even tried to form an alliance with Anabel today and she just like laughed it off fkfkfkfkfkf. IM SO FICKED

Well here the fuck we are again! The rebels tribe is cute tbh. I know Nic, we played together well in Chamonix. Lachie and I made it to the final of ILM a couple years ago. Chloe and I didn't work well together in Kuwait but we have a similar sense of humor so I have a good feeling about it. I hosted Dan and Keaton in MB and have good relationships with both. I don't know Brien but he already basically told me he has my back, and I do trust him even though he is a bit of an outcast. I don't really trust Raffy, he's kinda hard to talk to. Everyone else is basically irrelevant. I was so convinced that we were going to flop and flop HARD in the challenge, and we did. But at least Chloe, John, and I flopped the least and got us our one point. Now nobody can hold that against me! Tbh I wouldn't be mad sending Keaton out of the game. He's all over the place and didn't even compete in the challenge. So idk, we shall see. I feel pretty good about my place in the game but lord knows shit always hits the fan for me the second I have to talk strategy. So fingers crossed ladies!

We really got our asses handed to us HUH!? Honestly, I feel okay? I think I’ve chatted a bit with everyone and had meaningful convos, but that means nothing. I lost my wave so why should I feel super safe? I mean Keaton should be worried for sure, but I love him, so I’m just trying to see if there’s another option. I personally can’t fucking stand Raffy, BUT everyone seems to enjoy his twinky shady ass. Can’t relate!! I’m just gonna work on my growing bond with Asya and Nic and see where that takes me (: Here’s a list of who I trust from most to least so far! 

 1. Asya 

 2. Nic 

3. Lachie 

4. Trent 

5. Chloe 

6. Keaton 

7. Brien 

8. John 

9. Raffy

Losing the challenge sucks. Especially since we got stomped on. My target for this tribal is Trace. I don't really talk to him, and he just didn't do the challenge. That's a liability in my eyes. So, he has to go. However, I'm trying to avoid spreading his name so early until a few hours before tribal. People are being hesitant to throw out names because they don't want to be "That Guy." It's scary out here. I feel like I should be fine since I'm relatively social and active. Talking with people last night, I think I managed to make Trace an ally of mine. I suggested working together and he accepted. So, hopefully that pans out in the future. It just adds another person to my ranks. It's extremely important that I make these solid connections to protect me in case of a swap or once we get to merge.

I’m in rebels vs royals WHOO these royals are going down. We lost the first challenge but it’s okay it gives us time to trim the fat on the tribe and see where everyone stands. I like mostly everyone so far but I think it’s the honeymoon phase now and things will get real soon when we all ruthlessly target each other. I played with Keaton before and we agreed to have each other’s back and I would love to work with him for the long road and even be loyal to take him to the end with me even if I was definitely gonna lose. I’m trying to flip the way I play with friends and not be selfish and stick my neck out for them. It’s completely a transformation for me because my first season I betrayed my best friend cause I didn’t want to go to rocks but when I’m reality I was selfish. Raffy- seems cool but he is also a likable player that I have to have on my radar to not let get that far 

John- I love John I know it’s early but if I had to pick my final 3 now it would be me him and Keaton. He might be playing me but he is just such a great person I hope we can work well in this game. 

 Aysa- Idk how I feel about her she seems nice however she also seems shady granted everyone is but I can’t let her get to far. 

 Lachie- my first target we don’t mesh well in our conversation and that’s a sign to me early on that we won’t work well in this game. He is my number one target at this first tribal we have to go to. 

 Trace- I like trace but he seems like a poser and I think he’ll say whatever he has to in order to finally snatch the win in his 8th time. 

Nic- he is quiet but could also be deadly he was playing up that he hasn’t played in a while and doesn’t want to go first and I get that but i know it’s just a play for him to integrate himself in the tribe. 

 Chloe- she is nice but idk where she stands strategy wise but I like her and I can certainly see it being hard getting her out. 

 Dan- I almost forgot about dan he is so UTR I don’t trust him and if I can’t get lachie I would love to get him out at the first tribal. Now I know people have past season connections but I can’t really do much about it I just have to hope they implode on themselves and then I can find a crack within all the ruins. I’m certainly playing this game differently then before I’m gonna be as loyal and honest as I can and i know it’s a marathon not a sprint and I have to treat this game as such.

I’m so glad to be safe this round! I fell asleep really early last night and I’m glad we aren’t on the chopping block because when I scramble I look like an egg head. I wonder who is going home on the other tribe hmmm

So.....I am ELIZA levels paranoid, even though it’s the first vote. Trace is my number 1 so far because we worked together in a previous game and he’s just cool. So I trust him. I also know Dan, but the way we left things in our last convo before the game was darksided...but we promised to work together this time. I am somewhat confident in that. I like Lachie a lot even though I don’t know him, and Brien seems like a strong player. I think this first vote is coming down to Keaton or Raffy. I am kinda wanting Keaton because I feel like Brien has him under his wing and if Keaton goes then Brien will be weaknened and maybe be easier to control? Keaton is saying Raffy is a strong player for some reason and we should get him out as soon as possible. So...idk. BUT...I am a paranoid mess, so this could all just be a big plot to get me out!!! Who knows??

Ok so basically I know almost everyone on both tribes which really fucking shocks me?! I was expecting to know like one person and then not be very invested but I was wrong luv. Because I’ve played with basically everyone before I like actually want to do well lmao, imagine me actually trying in a game. That being said I did so bad in the flag comp thing, I literally didn’t understand the rules at all whoops. She really thought it had to be all red, the only reason I didn’t draw it was because I was imagining having to fill in the background red after and I GAGGED. I luv Asya, trace and Nic. Last time I played with dan we both got to like final 7 but I barely spoke to him and I’m p sure he’s the reason why kate and I left. But I’ve been speaking to him more In this game and we have like A LOT in common. I’ve also been trying to talk to Chloe a lot because we played a Facebook game together once and she rlly thought I hated her and made so many vls about me, so I’m trying to like be more active in her pms.

A lot of people in this cast don't like me. Dan, Dane, Pippa. To name a few. With Dane it's very personal. He hurt me and I don't think he gets that I'm still super sad about it. We havent talked since March. We have so many inside jokes im reminded of and I laugh and I always just instantly wanna text him but I can't cause then I remember. I'm not going to throw his name out ever. If people come to me with it then yeah i'll do it. Anyway. I love RTP we've never really gotten to play together something always happens. Love Amanda. She's slaughtered me before but it's always been fun so I hope we can be an amazing team. I think shes still really good friends with Dan which might cause huge problems. Anyway later skater

oh shit a rat oh wait thats just my reflection hihi i was gonna do a video but i hate my face so we're typing today girls. so. i like my tribe!!!! i think everyone is like smart which is scary bc i have approximately 1 brain cell that i share w trent and it is VERY obvious that i am not in possession of said brain cell. i keep saying crackhead things to people and i dont know why, i guess im just on meth or something i dont know... maybe the ppl at my local ice cream joint(tm) slipped something into me bc i am in the mood to get WILD!!! i think as of rn i am ssn 90's sweetheart and everyone loves me and YES i am COCKY but i have a right to be bc i am fucking POPULAR!!!! my ranking is as follows, anyone who disagrees with me sucks ass. 

1. linus 2. dane 3. amanda 4. seamus 5. ruthie 6. gloria 7. ryan m 8. ryan p 9. pippa 

 i will not explain these rankings bc i am right, u r wrong, shut the fuck up

Pippa doesn’t respond to me, feels bad man. Everyone else is pretty dope though, I’m definitely getting along with Anabel the best, she’s probably gonna win the game. Honestly the big story is just how Keaton’s opening was so cocky, yet called us cocky but then he abstained and likely will be first boot based on the abstain. Fantastic storyline making a full circle in the period of just 3 days. Sorry this is probably lame, I’m in a shitload of pain, I really just need to sneak by until I’m not suffering from my tonsil removal and then I can really tear things up. Oh, also Hoodie Ryan is the only epic gamer on my tribe so I hope he goes far so we can rise up together.

so far I am getting to know Seamus Pippa and Linus and other but dan;t think of their names lol. Had fun doing bottles challenge then messed up  but our tribe rocks and we still won challenge. Where I stand I think I am liked by several so far. Wonder where it  will go who knows <3 GLO <3

Am about to be first boot and I’m not even surprised lol xx

I’m just like an emotional wreck? Idk. I’m trying to keep plugging along but I have so much stuff taking up time in my personal life. Like rear ending a car tonight :~) soooo I think the vote is Keaton, but honestly who the fuck knows. Everyone could be pulling a fast one on me. I tried pitching an alliance with Asya, Chloe, and John but it went no where so look at me booboo the fool. I just feel like I don’t have much traction yet and I don’t wanna be caught off guard by a blindside tonight. I’m always just so paranoid at first tribal. Why didn’t we just kill the royals in the comp. fucking flop ass tribe.

Okay so THESE PEOPLE WANNA KILL ME. I thought I would be good with Chloe, Dan, and Trace but they all ran to the kingpin, Nic. I tried to throw Raffy under a bus, but Lachie and Asya protect, John didn't wanna talk, and Brien...I'm sorry Weber. You better fuckin kill it this game. Time to do what I do best though...cause an absolute shitton of chaos....for you Weber.

[rbbtrd]

I Love Healing

i wrote this when i was tryin to vent but i have no idea how to fuckin vent so instead i. tried to write out healings entire bg lmao a lot of brain stuff was goin on so it might not b. the best piece of literature uve ever read

some misc facts and other htings might b missing bc (points at how fucked my brain was and also how fuckin VAST healings character is and how much development he has)

//warnin theres kinda crass and sensitive language or whatever and there will b mentions of diff kinds of abuse in his story and other not good things under cut so my bad but i wasnt in a good state of mind and tryin to tag n warn u abt it all is skjncfdvav plus this was a vent post for me originally anyways lmao

//another warning lmao under the cut is a Wall Of Text there is a LOT of stuff under cut like 6000+ words so like. warned ya my pals

healing is my favorite fuckin oc and p much. why i fuckin stay alive sknfsef he means so so much to me and has so much meaning to me and is very very very very very very very important to me i fucking Love healing okay i project a lot (i.e All Of Myself) onto healing so he is p much almost quite literally me and vice versa but also not rlly??? its weird and complicated lmao i Love this man tho no one will ever love him more than i do i will fuckin Fight you hes so improtant to me

he is 57 yrs old, his birthday is march 17 but also dec 5th (its complicated) but mostly march 17, his favorite color is red not only bc im projecting but his first loves fav color was also red, he is 5″7 ft tall, hes very silly and kooky and tries his best to become happy and heal and learn and atone for what hes done and expereinced, he LOVES the sea and the ocean and anything relating them like the sea/ocean is very very very important to him for multiple reasons, also loves rabbits and goats and has 2 pet goats (i like to call em his service animals lol)

healing was born to both pure blood tiefling parents, his mother was a servant/slave that belonged on a ship and his father basically just knocked her up, he never met or knew anything about his father other than that he was a tiefling and misc stuff his mom/other servants had told him. his dad is mordecai ahkrah and hes chaotic evil and genuinely a very fucking awful person, his mom is ariarei kallies and is just?? kinda a chatoic neutral, maybe more of a lawful evil, but she has a very bad selfish personality and nasty. she holds no maternal feelings for healing and only sees him as a nuisance and only takes care of him (taking care of him means. The Bare Minimum. i.e- makin sure hes just Not Dead) bc she has to and kinda forcced to. healing does not see ariarei as his mother, but “as the woman who birthed me / brought me into this world” and stuff like that and therefore holds no feelings towards her like a child would w their mother, over the years, healing considers the ocean/sea as his mother more than ariarei and is more emotionally connected to the sea

 healings mom actually never named him, he was nameless/had no name up until the age of 27-28. both his mom and the owners of the ship and whoever hired him always only ever called him “boy”, “child”, “it”, “thing”, “errand boy”, “chore boy”, and names like that bc he never had a name and no one bothered to give him one. both his mom and the owners/ppl who hired him treated him very very poorly and did abuse him frequently in many different ways and manners (lmao projects myself onto my oc) so he has a lot of feelings and experiences w lots of kinds of traumas and abuse

he most specifically received a lot of physical abuse especially from ppl and verbal abuse, some but not too much emotional abuse, and also a handful of sexual abuse. at the time, he thought it was fine and normal and did not realized he was being abused bc “this is just how life is” bc he had literally. never heard of or experienced anything else other than a shit life.

he didnt rlly think anything of the poor treatment or the abuse bc this was all he ever knew, he grew up this way, so he thought it was normal and thought everyone didnt feel anything and if they did OF COURSE theyd b negative feelings, bc thats all u (healing at the time) r capable of feeling. he doesnt get out of this mentality until hes around 18-22

he receives a handful of scars and marks from his time as a servant, he got his first scar when he was a literal Baby bc he was cryin out and his ma got mad and upset abt and scratched his face thus resulting in his lip scar. when he was like 5-7 he met this other servant kid who had The Very Opposite mindset he had and was v bright and optimistic and he dragged healing along when he played and he broke smth and healing took the cover not bc he wanted to save this kid but bc it would be less troublesome bc then the current owner would only have to punish 1 child and the other kid was well liked on the ship unlike healing so then the morale of the servants wouldnt be affected. the owner beat him up p bad but it Wasnt Enough so he smashed healings face into the wooden boards so hard it Broke The Board and also broke his right horn, this also gave his scarring above his brow and stuff up to the broken horn. another prominent scar he has that holds memory to him is the scar on his chest above his heart, where he got that from a case where he was sexually abused and his abuser threatened to tear out his heart if he kept bein a brat. he has NO SCARS on his tail tho, but thats literally bc up until he was w morgan, he was just Lucky in not havin his tail injured. from the time he met morgan and beyond, he then started to actively protect his tail from harm and from ppl touchin it bc morgan said he rlly liked his tail and how it looked and how cool it was and from then on hes liek Oh

he constantly worked when he was of age to and started w small things and worked up to doin manual labor and other things, he only stayed w his mom up until the age of 11-12, after that they were separately sold to different ships and never saw eaqch other again. from that point on, he was switched around a few different ships and buyers, but was otherwise was still  just treated as cargo and property like he had been the past few years. 

the ship he was on at the age of 17 was stopped and liberated by a man named morgan wake (also can be written as morgain), a  human sailor captain (some kind of good, leanin on neutral or chaotic) who specializes in trade, cargo, and just transportation, but also will sell his abilities to fight/go into war or battle and liberates slave ships on his free time lol morgan becomes a Very Very Very important person to healing and is ESSENTIAL to shaping healing into who he is now. healing slowly falls in love with morgan over the years, but never tells morgan abt these feelins bc 1) he doesnt kno what the FUCk hes feelin lmao this boy has only experienced negative emotions and feelings up until he met morgan and 2) he thinks morgan will think hes weird or wrong or gross or smth. healing had absolutealy NO PLACE and NO ONE to go to after he was liberated so morgan saw this and was like Hey. You Should Come Work Under Me For MY Ship. morgan is a BIG BIG BIG guy on justice and equality and stuff for ALL PEOPLE and EVERYONE so this is also a reason why he let healing onto his ship of mostly humans and half-elves and halflings and also this part abt morgan rubs off on healing so healing also becomes a big guy on justice and equality and stuff

the ship morgan owns is a Lil prejudiced againt tieflings so they arent jumpin for joy when morgan makes healing his first mate at the age of 19 bc theyre. Gently Racist over tieflings but morgan kicks their ass and makes healing his first mate and right hand man anyways. at this point, healing is still nameless bc morgan tells him “i cant give you a name, a name is really important, its your identity and what makes you YOU, its ur soul and ur dreams and ur hopes, its YOU, you hear a name and u think of that person etc etc etc” and rlly cheesy stuff like that pertaining to names so morgan is Vehemently against naming healing and instead calls him “buddy”, “pal”, “friend”, “best friend”,  “first mate”, “mate”, and other various nicknames made over the years. he was very adamant on having healing name himself and refused to call him by a name that someone else gave him bc healing told him abt his mom and how he said that his mom wasnt rlly a mother in the first place

morgan knows Everything abt healing and healing w him vice versa bc when they first met and healing was still in his Uhm Nothing Matters Ill Tell You Everything mindset, he told morgan the story abt all his scars and what has happened to him up until that point and what people have done to him. morgan is truly very genuinely heartbroken over this?? bc healing was just Born into this world of shit and awful things that he didnt deserve and also the fact that healing just spoke of his abuse so freely and casually as if it meant nothing and didnt matter and healings view on his own life and life in general due to how he has lived so far and morgan makes it his personal mission to help healing grow out of this and start to become more Alive and less :| and :/ abt life 

morgan becomes very important for and to healing bc like. he literally taught healing Emotions and how amazing and happy and good life can be. morgan taught healing how to Be Alive and Want To Be Alive and how to Feel. before when he was a servant, he was literally just a Shell and genuinely thought life was Supposed to just be inherently shitty and ur suposed to always expereince bad htings and ALWAYS feel ONLY bad negative emotions and feelings.he thought that if he died, it wouldnt matter AT ALL bc he would easily b replaced by another servant and his life had literally no meaning and he genuinely thought he would die before the age of 20 and he was Okay with that he thought it was fine he thought it was okay to not expect to live past 20-25 and etc etc etc. 

when he saved healing, morgain was already quite old-ish?? he was 30 yrs old when healing (at the time, age 17) met him. healnig didnt rlly start to fall in love until around age 19 just some time b4 morgan made him first mate. over the years that healing is on morgans ship, he becomes who he is bc of morgan and  he learns things abt himself and who he is and builds himself bc of morgan and he becomes who healing is in these very moments that he spends with morgan and rightly falls in love because of it bc morgan Saved Him from so many things. morgan took an empty husk and shell of a man that had Began as empty and put smth in it. he had breathed life into an empty bag and made music, he had taken a broken branch and carved a nice ass figure. morgan took something with nothing and gave him Everything.  healing has such a strong connection and attachment to morgan yall cant even begin to understsand it. Runs So Deep in healing, this lov and feeling and attachment he has to morgan

morgan also rlly rlly rlly Rlly likes and appreciates healing and actually also loves healing in the same way, but doesnt tell healing for the same reasons why healing wont tell morgan. they spend the next 10 yrs basically unknowingly pining over each other bc theyre too fuckin afraid to tell each other bc they think the other is gonna b homophobic and its Awful. but also like. sailors back in the day were Rlly Gay so healing and morgan have had their fair share of mutual masturbation and Very Gay Activities w each other bu they were never in the context of romance or in a relationship beyond like. Rlly Rlly Good Best Friends lmao like sex friends but better??

bc healing. was never fuckin educated lmao he doesnt kno how to read or write. over the years he spends with morgan, he BARELY understand the alphabet tbh. he can like,,,,,, understand certain words but he doesnt recognize those words as words they register kinda like symbols in his head. numbers r even WORSE for healing lmao. like he understands map terms north, east, west, south, map, longitude/latitude, etc etc but he recognizes the words as like pictures or symbols in his head that relate to object or meaning or smth, kinda how u see a lil pic of a tree and u recognize it as a tree, thats him w words. healing was morgans first mate and co-captain for 10 years, he often went with morgan to negotiations and business meetings and trades and etc etc etc healing is VERY good w his words bc of this and is actually rlly smart and intelligent and wise. he just cant read or write lol. he has a +0 intelligence on his sheet but a +3 wisdom

healing lives the next 10 yrs of his life after being liberated at the age of 17 to 27 w morgan and his ship and his crew and hes enjoying himself and livin it to the fullest and hes happy and its so good and all is well, but also keep in mind that healing, through out all of these 10 yrs, has STILL not have a name for himself yet. BUT morgan HAS given healing a seashell necklace as well as his ear piercings. he wears these items everyday and they hold like. a lot of emotional important and support for him

but then morgan dies LMAO morgan dies at the age of 40 when healing is 27 and he dies from both sickness from old age (bc sailors back then. died p early skdjfnwsndv) and also from an injury wound he had gotten when in battle earlier that month. morgans death strikes his crew very harshly but without a doubt everyone on the ship agreed that healing was the MOST hurt and affected and shaken from morgans death. morgans last words and also his will states that he wanted healing to become the new captain of the ship. healing doesnt rlly become the new captain bc hes too busy mourning over his death for the next yr.

morgan and healing NEVER tell each other abt their feelings for one another, so morgan dies with this regret of never saying anything and healing lives with the regret of never saying anything before he died. this plays into how healing chose his name

after his mourning and grieving period he starts to slowly collect himself and in this period of time, this is where he finally chooses his name. he thinks abt how morgan was never able to call him by a proper name despite how important names were to morgan, so as hes starting to heal from his death, he picks his own name for himself. he debated on choosing his name as love, bc he loved morgan but never told him despite the fact that morgan quite literally taught him how to love. but he decides on the name healing bc he also thought abt how morgan said how he wanted to help healing start to mend and heal from all the trauma and abuse hes been through and healing sort of just shoved love into that process of healing, therefore That Is His Name Now. his name is now like. an important memoir of morgan as well as like. His Name. his name now holds a very hefty important weight and meaning to him now.

when morgan dies, he makes a lot of vows to himself like how hell never love someone again and how he would keep up morgans work and how he would keep morgans policy of justice and equality and how he would never treat people the way he was treated as a servant and how he would never hurt someone on purpose. after morgans death, he starts to like. hoard items he thinks morgan would have liked and then eventually this just turns from “hoarding for morgan” to “depression coping hoarding” and he just hoards things he thinks has some use or worth of value (which is like. Everything lmao so he never throws stuff away)

the ship crew are not All That Happy that healing is their new captain, but they really did intensely respect and appreciated morgan both as a captain and an individual so they abide by his will and last words and let healing be captain despite the fact that they thought hed b bad at it. but Surprise Surprise healing is actually rlly rlly good at being a captain bc he spent 10 yrs by morgans side and he knows how to do everything rlly well and the crew r kind of surprised and apologize for sterotypin him and for being so prejudiced and not trustin him and etc etc etc and healing is happy for another long while bc now he has like?? a family?? this crew was now his family and he loved everyone on this ship and they loved him?? he was Rlly Good at what he did bc he took over morgans work of trade and also liberating ships and sellin his time to fight for ppl and he was super close to his crew and they grew closer over the yrs and they give him a seashell bracelet similar to how morgan gave him the necklace and earrings so now healing has like. a physical object to associate his emotional relationship and feelings and shit to like he did for morgan w the necklace and earrings

but ofc knowin me its time to Fuck Him Over Again lmao over the yrs while hes in his 30s hes gets like. Rlly Rlly Rlly well known for his deeds and his work and actions so he gets super popular and he has. A Lotta Sex and is Very Well Known for sex and also his dick lol and also sometimes got into. not so hot relationships. at current time right now, age of 57, healing has 5 children he isnt aware of bc he left the other person before they even Knew they were pregnant. he was rlly good with not letting his partner get pregnant but accidents happen lmao sometimes he let the fame and popularity get to his head so he was kind of a Cocky Narcissistic Dick sometimes 

a total of 5 times during his 30s he got himself into. very bad toxic abusive manipulative relationships. these 5 people were all very similar in what they did to healing and how they did it to him. in each of these 5 cases, both healing and his crew reacted the same. when u hang out w manipulative bad ppl, u kinda become manipulative and bad urself, and thats what happened w healing and his crew. these 5 ppl preyed on the fact that healing was emotionally very weak and vulnerable to romantic affection and intimacy and how he had a Rlly Rlly Big Fear of losing people he loved or cared about. they made him care abt them and threatened to leave him if he didnt do what they wanted, as well as abuse him in other different manners physically, emotionally (BIG TIME emotional abuse), verbally, and mentally. during the itme he was in these relationships w these ppl, healing was very much not like his usual self, hes a chatoic neutral but when w theswe ppl he was like?? lawful evil?? true evil?? he became Rlly Bad and did Rlly Bad things that, now in current day time he regrets deeply and feels.

when he was in these relationships, they made him break a lot of the vows he took when morgan died or else theyd do smth to him or to themself ot to his crew or smth like that and it haunts him to this very day abt how he could have done those things to those people despite the fact that the same was done to him and how he NEVER wanted to do that to other people. it dredges bad things up in his memories and in his heart and he has nightmares abt both his traumas and abuse as well as the traumas and abuse hes made others go through.  these people hurt him very deeply in his 30s and scarred him emotionally and mentally more intensely than the people that mistreated him when he was a servant

his 30s was a. Rollercoaster tbh. he went thru very intense and frequent highs and lows bc the time when he was with these people they were his Very Very Low Lows and when he wasnt with them and just doing his job w his crew and livin life he was very happy and his life took on a Very Good High. as he got a lil older at the age of 37 he was doing good and it was a high during his lifetime and that point and when he was 37 he was actually on his ship hunting down a bandit/pirate ship bc someone had bought his ships and effort to help them track down this ship

he has a lot of adventures in his 30s and goes thru so many things and and thru so many situations and so many people and encountered just. A Lot Of Stuff in General. hes experienced probs like. 2 lifetime of experiences and shit by the age of 37 lmao but he wouldnt trade any of these experiences, good or bad, for ANYTHING in the world

but sadly (bc i love makin his life so full of angst) as hes chasing this ship, a Rlly Big Storm comes by and fuckin. WRECKS his ship. absolutely obliterates it. it catches fire and tons of his crew members r jumpin off and panicking and the ship is falling apart and hes so AAAAAAAAAAAAA rn. in the future, the imagery of a sunken or turned up or just in general not normal 100% functioning ship is very unsettling to him and triggers this rlly bad memory. also Rlly Rlly Rlly BIG BIG fires unsettle him very badly and makes him Extremely Uncomfortable but it doesnt rlly trigger this bad memory as much as broken ships do

healing is knocked from the ship and passed out and when he awakes hes on the shore with the remains of wood from his ship along the shore and he is. absolutely broken. he lost his Whole Family in one night and yet he was the one who didnt die?? he assumes everyone on his crew ship died (even tho some survived but he has yet to encounter them) and he was the only one who survived and at the moment he HATED this fact. he hated that he was left to live and he reverts back to his mindset that he had when he was younger how his life didnt matter and etc etc etc

hes also??????????? SUPER upset and heartbroken that the sea was the one who did this to him. the ocean, to which he was born and raised on (he has never lived on land in the past 37 yrs of his life, hes been on land and stayed overnight at inns or smth and stuff but hes never Lived anywhere on land and thinks houses r Weird bc hes lived on a boats and ships for 37 yrs kjefnvslefv), the ocean to which he considered his real mother, the ocean that granted him so much freedom from so much of the things that hes experienced, the ocean to which he was so deeply emotionally connected to and how much the sea had meant to him. he knows he cannot control the sea and accepts that the sea had sunken his ship but that doesnt mean hes not going to still feel sad and shitty abt it lol 

he Basically has a meltdown at this shore and cursin at how he should have been the one to die in this wreck and passes out bc. exhaustion and etc lmao. and then in comes Love Interest #2, noel, a neutral good wood elf monk who, just like morgan, is a very free spirit and very kind and reminds healing just enough of morgan to make his heart start to feel something again

noel sees this tieflin dude passed out on the beach and is like. Oh. Thats Not Good. and he goes to help him out and brings him back to his campsite to patch him up and heal his wounds and take care of him and nurture him back to health a bit until healing wakes up.

healing is like HWHA and is like uhhhh thnks but i gotta Go Now bc Yet Again in this mnoment he vows a bunch of other shit like how hell live a life of solitude and never involve himself w others bc he thinks of himself as a harbinger of bad things and chaos and doom and misfortune follows him and how everyone he loves or tells them abt his life/story dies

but noel is too friendly and caring to just Let Him Go and hes just rlly interested in healing just as an individual and just also wants a companion to travel w bc hes just like a wandering monk who weaves in and out of woods and forests and villages and stuff

fast forward- after a Lot of effort and A Lot of time and A Lot of trust and such, healing slowly Very Very Slowly opens up to noel about himself and his life and what hes gone though and all of the sort of bad and good things hes experienced and grows closer to him and they fall in llove with each other and its both mutual and healing is like “wow??? being in love is so nice?? this is such a good feeling?? i love noel and he loves me back and we can kiss and hug and do stuff and both of us know we are doing this out of mutual romantic attraction??????????” and this is like. A Brand New Feeling for healing bc his relationship and love for morgan was 100% unrequited

noel basically becomes healings teacher tbh since noel is a monk he teaches healing the way of bein a monk most specifically the way of the 4 elements. noel is a master of the way of the 4 elements, but is best w earth and air, healing has such a strong attachment to the water and a close relation with fire so hes naturally like. rlly good w those 2 lmao he catches on real quick despite the fact that. only noel is teaching him and neither of them belong to a temple or have a temple to go to lmao

as time goes on both healing and noel are like. kinda famous monks that travel through the land and are well known bc healing was already previously well known as a rlly rlly cool famous captain and now he kinda dropped off the face of the earth for like 5 yrs but now hes back w noel and he looks a lil diff now bc hes older and his hairs a lil longer but ppl are aware that hes healing

its all good and healing is enjoying life real nice rn and hes happy once again and hes in love with noel and noel is in love with healing and its so good and healing is traveling again but also like. up until he was 37 yrs old he was like livin at sea on a ship. so when he goes along w noel when they travel through the woods on land its kinda Weird for him bc hes like. Never Been On Land For This Long lmao

from the moment he was stranded on that beach to right now in his current time, healing ALWAYS has smth of the sea/ocean w him ALWAYS it is a must and he has to have it for multiple reasons and most of the reasons are for like. safety reasons?? theyre like his safety items it calms him down and soothes him in multiple ways like emotionally and mentally. he ALWAYS has at LEAST 1 (one) bottle or flask or SOMETHING filled w sea water he always has some sea water on him, he also just. collects a MASSIVE amount of shells and sea glass and any other things u could find on the beach or sea he always has some of this stuff on him for comfort and stuff

like with all of the deep and intimate and important and emotional relationships in his life, noel gives healing smth that he can attach noel to emotionally and etc etrc etc. noel gives healing tattoos that are like monk tattoos and symbolize what he does best on his back i.e fire and water and also a few like. just fun lil casual tattoos to make healing and himself happy like a boat and anchor on his wrist and stuff and healing is like Oh Gee Hope Nothing Bad Happens

but smth bad does happen lol. after 10 literal yrs (healing is now 47) theyre in the woods camping out and etc etc etc and its like the dead of night and theyre sleepin in their tents and its good and all but then some bandits or smth just pass by their site and decide “hey. lets fuckin loot this place and fuck shit up” and they do and engage in combat w noel and healing and its just a series of unfortunate events and bad luck and timing and long story short these bandits do lethal and fatal damage to noel but healing manages to fend em off and they go running and now healing is kneeling over the dying body of his lover

noel literally dies in healings arms and this event triggers all of his previous mental state and mindset from before abt how hes a harbinger of bad things and how everyone he loves does and he only brings misfortune and hes liike “y do the ppl around me die???? y cant *I* be the one to die for once??? wtf????” and he feels so many emotions and is so ANGRY at himself bc This Just Keeps happening and the people he loves just keep Getting Hurt and he cries and buries noel and makes a grave and does a lot of sentimental stuff and mourns and just stays where he is in the woods for like. weeks until his supplies runs out and he finally leaves the area of the forest hes in with a heavy… Everything slkdfnvsdkfs fvhesfdnviksfd hes RLLY intensely emotionally and mentally fucked now

he makes the same kinds of vows as before again plus some but now its even STRONGER. he Will Not EVER fall in love ever again, he will never tell anyone ANYTHING abt him thats not surface level info, he takes up his old vows like never hurt ppl on purpose and never treating him the way he was treated and how he will upkeep his code of justice and equality, and how he will NEVER EVER have any deep relationships and friendships and he will keep them very surface level and how he will keep everyone at like an arms distance and a half from him

and so he mourns over his lost loved ones and is just a fuckin angsty emotionally shut and locked up traveling tiefling monk and hes alone and just. travels bc he feels like if he stays in one place too long he might bring misfortune to the ppl around him and he just. BASICALLY keeps this up for ANOTHER 10 yrs dsfkjvnsenfvedv je travels around EVERYWHERE and the first few years he tried his best to avoid rlly thick wooded areas and the sea but eventually he grew and healed a bit more and allowed himself to get on boats again and go thru forests and woods

healing chose his name bc he wanted to heal and grown and change and become a better person and try his best to just be as happy as he could be and to atone for what hes done and just. try to get thru life at this point. and make sure he leaves people better than when he meets them and to make sure everyone he encounters have AT LEAST a Not Bad impression of him. so thats basically what his goal is after noel dies and he just travels on his own and in solitude and he nevers takes along a companion and is jsut by himself and quite literally isolates himself all the time. he keeps the people he talks to at an arm and a halfs distance, he never lets them know anything below surface level info abt him, he like?? basically puts on a front and all but he is still genuinely friendly and likes to talk to ppl he just. doesnt want them to know any like Substantial Info abt him or kno him beyond surface level and stuff

after some time tho he meets a man named elias aka MAN OF THE HOUR aka my datefriends oc and he jsut?? will NOT leave healing alone he just WILL NOT go away and he basically just. is forcibly at healings side as they travel and healing just CANNOT get rid of him and elias is just with him and hes trying to pry thru healings massive amounts of layers and walls and barriers and etc etc etc and ofc he does this respectfully hes not like. forcing his way into healings life and forcing healing to tell him abt his life he just. wants to kno more abt him and is very genuinely attracted to this man in many many ways 

healing realizes he cant force elias to go away and is just like (shrugs) ok w/e guess i cant get rid of u and tries to keep his walls and his front up but he just finds himself getting rlly comfortable w elias?? he finds his presence soothing and stuff bc hes been alone for the past previous yrs and now he has a companion again and its a rlly nice feeling and they grow a lil closer bit by bit over time

more time passes on and eventually, in the middle of a mental break/meltdown, healing just. Spills Everything to elias like. All Of His Life from the moment he was born until this current faction in time where hes sobbing into elias’ arm about his whole life and he feels kind of better and its okay for a while and he just passes out in elias’ arms but then he wakes up and has a panic attack and is like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I TOLD THIS MAN MY ENTIRE LIFE I HAVE TO LEAVE NOW OR HELL DIE I RLLY LIKE HIM THO I DONT WANT HIM TO DIE and he faces the facts that he 1) likes elias 2) is very internally and mentally fukt 3) is internally rlly fuckin secretive and tries to hide everythin abt himself and 4) is Dyin Real Bad for multiple reasons

elias tries to reassure healing and tries to tell him everything will be fine and he wont die and etc etc etc and stuff and from this point on forward healing and elias are much closer and continue to get closer until theyre basically in a relationship and its difficult tbh bc healing rlly wants to leave elias out of his fear but elias stays w him and its a long proccess and journey for healing to learn how to properly cope w all of the things hes felt and experienced and grow and heal and etc et ect

eventually fast forward in time, at the age of 57, healing is MARRIED to elias :’’) and they r in love and everything is okay and healing has and is continuing to learn how to accept what hes done and how to properly cope and deal w things and have less walls and barriers and be better and elias is one of his MOST important relationships to him, on par w morgan and noel, and its all good and happy and healing lives the rest of his life out w elias and dies happy and etc etc etc and its all just GREAT and also their shipname is heelies bc its funny lmao 

i left out a lotta details but fuckin. whatever lmao

anyways i love healing thnk u and good night

[ffuuuuuuuck]

september 24, 2019

Today was such a bad day my thoughts kept pulling me in different directions- all of them bad

ended up skipping class today, thought about dropping out of school entirely like a lot

like, i know im capable of it and it’s not even hard, it’s just the looming fear of failing again like i did in my first highschool. I’m falling into the same patterns, it’s getting harder to maintain a positive mentality. it sucks because i was doing so good and then one thing sets me off and im back on my bullshit. 

somehow writing it out makes me feel a little better, makes it feel like the thoughts aren’t all just stuck in my head. 

my family helped today- my mom sang one direction with me in the car because i think she could tell I was on the verge of crying lol. That’s what she used to do with me in middle school and felt bad about the way i looked- it was cheesy and dorky but nice. she also took me to meet my baby cousin for the first time since she’d been born-5 months old and shes fat as fuck but also cute as fuck

i think i might just go back to spending time with my family again- it was easier than having to deal with friends. I love them, but i don’t feel the same with them anymore. it was different when i was into the same shit- smoking weed, doing drugs, doing nothing but walking around all the time. but now i’ve got school and work and actual responsibilities, and none of them seem to get that. Some of them even get mad because i cant spend as much time with them. I understand being upset, but it just makes me feel worse because i already feel worn thin. Plus, we dont really have anything in common anymore other than weed. Even that i’ve been trying to quit, but that’s all they ever wanna do and my lungs are all burnt out. And frankly, i like the feeling of being sober better than being high now. 

I guess that’s the only thing me and Maurice had in common. When we first became friends,  i was so happy to have someone like me. Into musicals, into anime, into all these dorky things my other friends weren’t into. but now its nothing but weed or talking about her ex boyfriend, or our friend bianca. I’m really glad her and bianca get along so well- i knew they would, i would always try getting all of us to hangout so they could get to know eachother more. But now it just feels like im on the outside. Whenever im with them they always just go off in their own space, talk about their own things that i can’t contribute because i wasnt there or not in on their inside jokes. I tried for awhile to just get used to it, because i shouldve been just happy that they were happy. But then they started hanging out without me all the time, and yeah, it makes me a little sad but no biggie it’s not like theyre my only friends. it feels like im not allowed to feel anything, like anything negative that i feel is just a sign that im getting bad again. But it hurts, like a lot. Bianca is always going on about stuff she told maurice, how maurice said that and that her and maurice always do this, and how great maurice is. Maurice is always saying how amazing bianca is and how much she loves her, how’re theyre gonna go do this and that. lately they started inviting me to hangout with them, but at this point it just feels more like pity than anything. Even when we’re all together, it’s like im intruding on their space. It just sucks. Like it’s not like i want to break them apart or anything, or for them to include me more. I don’t really want anything to happen, like im happy they get along. I just feel shitty about it. Even today, i found out something new about Bianca and yeah it was cool learning that about her but she threw in “really you didnt know? Maurice knows” and i dont know why but it stung. Probably because i was already feeling shitty today. 

Maurice had asked me earlier in the day to hangout with them tomorrow- but it was only because it had come up in the conversation because i had told her about something concerning bianca. and honestly, i felt like i couldnt go on pretending anymore to be ok. so i told her that i didnt mean to sound like a dick but i didnt really like hanging out with the two of them together- but i still liked hanging out with them seperately. which, typing this out now i realize i really went the wrong way about this. It’s different when its just me and maurice and me and bianca, its not much different and nice. but when theyre together i just feel really crummy. i wanted to try to tell her that but she just told me “okay whatever i dont even wanna ask why.” and hasnt talked to me since. my mom said if they cared theyd understand, but im not sure i even went about it the right way, if there is a right way to tell your friends that. I told her what happened and she said that bianca would talk to me about it because my mom said that she definitely cares. 

But when i told bianca about it, about maurice being upset with me and what i had said, all she said was how did they exclude me. That we played cards together that one time. That we had gone to go get hair dye that one time. I explained to her that yeah, when we went to go get hair dye it felt better because i was actually apart of their conversation. but the other times i just didnt feel like i belonged there with them. She wasnt upset about it like maurice was, but she seemed... i dunno, annoyed? not annoyed but like it was just me back on my bullshit. like it was all in my head. I think she did say it was all in my head. And after we left school a guy we knew was supposed to come with us, and she said “What, are you gonna feel excluded because Robbys coming?” in a really sarcastic voice. I just put in my headphones after that and actually did my homework. Because im supposed to be the chill one- im supposed to be the emotionless one, the one who doesnt let anything bother them because if i acknowledge that im hurt, then that means i could be getting unhealthy again. But fuck dude it did hurt. I barely tell my friends what I feel, and to be shot down like that, to be treated like i was just acting dumb again really hurt. especially because it wasnt like i was asking for anything to be different, other than me not wanting to hang out anymore. also especially coming from bianca. Out of all the people, i felt like i could count on her the most. I guess i was wrong again. Which sucks because its not like my brain goes to “ok they were a dick that time whatever”. When im not feeling good (aka when im not drugged out), my brain immedietely goes to wow what a dumbass trusting people again. 

It didnt help that Quenten came to hangout today. I normally love seeing her, and everytime i see her she vents about her problems and i support her because i know she has a lot on her plate all the time. But today it just made things worse. She vented like usual and i tried to support her the best i could, but when i tried to talk about something that was bothering me she kinda just shut me down. Cut me off, started talking about her problems again. Usually she does that, but today it hurt because i really needed someone to talk to, and i thought we were that person for eachother. 

Some shit went down with this Guy one time, and its kind of fucked me up. For awhile i tried my best not to let it get to me, tried staying friends with him and making the best of a situation because everyone told me that it wasnt that big of a deal. Not directly, but through their body language, the way they just change the subject, so i just believed that. Tried letting it go till eventually it built up inside me and blew up and left me feeling ruined. The other night i saw the Guy, and i had been doing so good, had been feeling happy and safe and just better. But he walked past me and it was like all of that just fell apart, i felt terrified again and unsafe and it was that feeling all over again, of not getting a choice, of not getting to have control, of putting my complete trust in someone only for it to be ruined. Anyways, its been leaving me fucked up for the past couple of days, and i just needed someone to talk to that wouldnt brush me aside. Im not sure why i thought that though. Quentin still thought highly of the Guy, still cared about his opinion i guess. its not like they were friends, but still. I shouldve known she wouldve blown me off when i tried talking about that situation. 

I might need to see a counselor about it, because theres no one that i can even really talk to about it. I tried with this one girl, and she really helped me. But then it turned into a shit show because she outed the guy when i asked her not to, and one of my ex good friends came to me, and basically said i was making it up. when before we stopped being friends she believed me and understood why i got scared around the Guy. I guess that situation fucked me up too lol. But theres no one i can talk to, no one i can even bounce my thoughts off of. I wish i could talk to my mom about this. Sometimes she’s really good with this shit. But i know telling her about this will just make my life worse. Ill go to being looked at like some broken pitiful thing. Im not. I might be broken but im strong and i dont want to be pitied or someone to get mad in my place. I think some part of her already knows.

I think im done talking for today. Guess spilling my guts is too much too. 

[playingpen]

hey im em and this is sage!! under the cut is what you might need to know about her!!!

so she’s 20

she comes from a single dad w a relatively new step bro (im gonna request her wc real fast @ the main

her dad’s a mechanic, so she grew up at the shop around all the other kids. it was mostly little boys who wanted to get dirty and she was like ‘heck yeah lets play’

as she got older she kinda realized how much stronger she was than most girls her age. she started fighting at a young age and her dad scraped togethter some money to get her in karate classes

she started in karate and got her black belt after a three years (faster than the average 5) at that point she was probably around 10. then her dad was like shit u have a future in this and put her in jujitsu, she went quick w that and got through to the top level w out getting like the instructor belt orwhatever so she did that for a few years

then she found her calling

boxing/streetfighting

she started at 13 bc she went back to karate and just helped and kept her belt up and stuff

but like she was kicking ass lowkey

she was one of like lets say three girls and she was 110% always winning

started fighting the boys as she got older and stronger and loved it she’d whip ass

so now she’s 20 and still fights but for money in an underground ring.

she’s literally just like always covered in bruises, black eyes, sore muscles. she doesnt tell her dad tho bc she doesnt want to worry

in high school people were actually terrified of her bc she had taht rep of like ‘she boxes every afternoon after school’ always had black eyes just killing the game

but she’s actually super kind and gentle

until she gets mad/someone messes w someone she loves

her brother got cheated on and sage went after the girl w out her brother’s permission and was like ‘u better be glad there’s people around or else i’d fucking kill you’ and spit in her face and walked off

but she was in a small clique of some of the more popular girls that actually got to know her which partially factored into why others were scared of her

she’s super smart too!!!

she never really dated?? some of the boys were too scared like ‘if we break up she’ll probably beat me or something’ but in reality she just really wanted to be loved

she also was in karate competitions and boxing matches with her gyms (which took a toll on her dad’s money but he loves his daughter so he was like whatver works)

but yeah she’s just a fun lil bean who just wants to have fun

also she lives in a crummy apartment but its hers so she like love hates it

some plots id like!!!

a best friend - that instant click just actual best friends right from the start

this

a bad influence!!! - sage was too busy fighting to really do anything bad and thats how she’ll be here but yeah it’ll be fun to see ur char pull her from her element

someone she’s literally so protective over?? - maybe not even her best friend just someone she sees taht is genuinely so kind and so pure and people have been mean to them in the past and they tell her and god she’d literally fight for them probably not actually fight just threaten hella bc she wouldnt want to hurt them too bad

her first love that could turn cold. basically someone who literally just plays her and she’s so blinded by it that she doesnt even notice and everyones just like ‘sage wake up hes literally garbage to u’ and it just ruins her??? (i have a pretty hella dark idea for this maybe tw abuse lowkey??? itd be something we talk about ok i know most people wouldnt be comfy w it and thats ok we dont have to go that route)

someone she teaches to fight? - probably just like this char is like ‘i want to be able to defend myself if something happens and u know what to do so help me’

SOMEONE SHE SPARS W - preferably male??? like a cocky male thats like ‘haha ok sure we’ll fight each other’ and she’s like ‘im not kidding’ and hes like ‘haha ok’ and then she pins him like real quick and theres lowkey just tension between them????

idk any more plots but im def gonna think of some!! im open to any and all plots u might have ok!! hmu or like this if u want to plot and i’ll message you!!

[ao3-hipster-fangirl-trash]

"No."

Ok so i have this idea or Stafou where lefou wants to prove he deserves to be part of the castle staff (even though everyone but him knows he does) so he just starts taking people’s work for them and overworking himself and Stanley can’t sleep one night and so he passes LeFou’s room and its like 3 in the morning and a light is on and so he goes to investigate and LeFou is working on idk something and stanley’s like its 3 in the morning you should be asleep he says i just need to finish some stuff so they don’t see me as the fool who blindly followed Gaston. His words are slurred and he’s swaying and exhausted out of his mind. Stanley’s like you need sleep and LeFou starts mumbling about how he has to prove he’s good enough and he’s not just Gaston’s idiot sidekick. Stanley’s reassuring him that no one thinks that and forces Lefou to sleep and explain the situation to all the people LeFou’s helping and wraps up his boyfriend and protects him.

Ok so quick information this is where Gaston didn’t fall when he shot the beast, instead he was restrained and eventually taken to court and hung for attempted murder, yup, my imagination yay!

Ngl i was listening to evermore through this whole thing and crying :’)

Warnings: self hate, hanging, descriptions of death

Aight, it’s here and queer, let’s get going shall me children

LeFou had never felt so disgusted with himself. The pure loathing of his own being was something that was foreign to him, who had always justified himself in one way or another.

The day of the hanging, he threw up.

It wasn’t that he had any pity for Gaston, he knew exactly what he did and how he had done it, the wrong which he had caused for so many people and how it had hurt them, but it was that it wasn’t quick.

LeFou didn’t know that if the neck wouldnt break, it he wasn’t dropped far enough, then it would take 20 minutes for the painfully elongated death to finally come to a halt. 20 minutes of jerking, choking and begging. 20 minutes of watching someone whom he had previously trusted watch him as the life faded from him. He would forever remember the look of fear that passed over Gaston’s face just as the life finally left his eyes.

The sickening thud as they him cut down didn’t help either, or that the villagers cheered.

When they returned to the castle, all he could do was put on a small smile, trying to blend in with the rest. Why wouldn’t he? The man who had manipulated him for years was finally gone from his life, yet he couldn’t seem to be happy.

The problem about being close with someone, is you only seem to stay because you have things which you believe to be similar with them, so of course, LeFou, being him, had somewhat seen himself in Gaston, and if they could cut him off, someone who had been involved with the village (albeit not positively) then what was stopping them from doing it to him?

Of course the first thing LeFou thought of was to work to show that he could help, that was why Gaston kept him around, he was a good worker, always had and always will be. If needs be, he would compromise his own health to get a job done, in some cases far too much, but a couple of day in bed would usually get him enough strength for the next job, and thus repeated the dangerous cycle over and over again. Not once had he broken it and he had the feeling that he wouldn’t ever again. This was evident when Mrs Potts came down his room with tea, seeming distracted.

“Is everything alright Mrs Potts?” She simply nodded and walked away hurriedly trying to get somewhere in a rush.

When he later saw her, she was in the library quickly stacking books. LeFou would sometimes come and try to read with Belle, he could now do it on his own so the library was a safe space for him, yet the din of books crashing to the floor and a horrified wail was not something that he was used to when going there.

Rushing in, he found Mrs Potts grappling for hundreds of leather bound pages that had scattered from one end of the room to the other, whilst trying to hold up a small bookcase which seemed to be trying to crush her.

After finally pulling the bookshelf back to its original position LeFou made the bold move of asking Mrs Potts what on earth was wrong.

“I can’t seem to do it!” she wailed, grabbing her tea towel which always hung on her apron and whipping it out, to rub at one of the tables for some reason.

“What can’t you do Mrs Potts?” Lefou inquired, taking a tentative step towards her.

“Greek!” she screamed, turning once more and almost catching LeFou with her towel.

“Pardon?”

“Greek! I don’t know greek and half of these cursed things are. Some ambassador lad from Greece is coming to meet the prince and of course i have to write between him and the Master, so of course i don’t know greek or what to do,” at this point, she had collapsed onto the floor with her head in her hands and tears falling down her face.

“I know greek.”

Mrs Potts looked up to LeFou with a questioning look. “What?”

“I know greek.” he replied.

It wasn’t a lie, LeFou really did know greek. He had a friend in the army who only knew the language and of course in his free time got lessons from others, wanting to understand more about the questionable gentleman. Naturally he had picked it up quite quickly, much like reading, and had even taken a couple of lessons with Belle every now and then.

Mrs Potts still looked confused.

“I could do the corresponding,” he sighed, knowing what was about to happen, “i could write what the master wants me to write and i could do it in greek.”

Mrs Potts gave a squeal of joy, and tackled LeFou in a hug, squeezing him close to her.

“Oh you are a darling aren’t you!”

From then on the jobs just grew.

Researching recipes in the library, helping out with the washing and cleaning the stables, even helping Lumiere with lighting the candles before any ball.

Between all of these jobs, LeFou never really had any time to eat, or sleep, or do anything for that matter. It had been weeks since he had met up with stanley, who was now serving as an apprentice for Madame Garderobe, and days since he had even had a moment to spare for himself, yet all to help the staff and get into their favor. Anytime he felt himself slacking, he remembered the rope around Gaston’s neck, the look of fear, then the emptiness, and that was motivation enough, on any day.

He wasn’t sure what time it was when Stanley stopped by, but it had definitely been past dinner, and even past midnight when he heard a familiar knock on the door, and a creak which he had grown used to.

He usually had warning when Stanley came to visit, maybe an ‘on va ce voir ce soire’ when they passed in the corridor, yet when the knock came, he found himself scrambling to remove the scraps of paper from his desk, sweeping them to one side and messily arranging them to be in some sort of an order which could be deemed presentable.

By the time the door had opened, LeFou had just realised that the mess in his room could not be fixed with a quick spruce up.

The food which Mrs Potts had brought to him that morning was sitting, cold and forgotten in one corner, ink had spilled all over the floor at some point and so many different pages were scattered around, in fact LeFou wasn’t completely sure how he had functioned in this mess until now.

Stanley stood at the door smiling to himself, until he turned and saw LeFou standing in the bombshell which had gone off around him.

“Mon dieux, mon amour what happened?” he looked appalled, and ran up to lefou, sweeping his hair from his face and bringing him closer.

“Are you ok?” he brought LeFou away to inspect him.

LeFou simply shrugged, unsure of how to answer him.

“I think so… why?” he looked up at stanley to see pure worry in his eyes, and felt himself melt slightly at the beautiful brown orbs which had captured his.

“Mon amour it looks like you’ve been awake for days,” stanley replied, still searching LeFou’s face for any sort of injury.

LeFou sighed, dropping his shoulders and shaking his head.

“I have.”

Stanley looked up.

“What.”

LeFou closed his eyes as he felt the tears welling up behind his lids.

“I’ve been awake for days. I can’t sleep.”

He waited for it, the remark, the one that Gaston usually made about how he should stay up more to get work done, or how if he ate as much as he slept, everything would be balanced, or some sort of insult which made him feel worse and worse every time.

Instead he heard a soft sigh which sounded suspiciously like he was asking something.

“Why?”

LeFou felt one of the tears fall, then another, and another and one more, until they had begun a steady steam. He began sobbing and felt his knees give way, as he clung to Stanley who had knelt with him, holding tightly to his jacket and buried his face in the collar.

He had reached his limit.

All those nights of sleeplessness, the lack of food, even just the lack of human contact was enough to drive several men mad, yet it only seemed to hurt LeFou, never stop him, not once.

In all that time, Stanley stayed, rubbing his back as he cried into his shirt, whispering encouraging words to him and giving him small kisses to his cheeks, which only prompted him to cry more. In all his time he had never known such kindness until it was exposed to him in that moment.

He sniffled and sobbed, wailed and whined until he was too dehydrated to let any more water fall from his eyes, and yet still clung to stanley as if he were a lifeline, keeping him from joining Gaston in whatever afterlife may await him.

When LeFou finally calmed down, he sat back, and let his head drop slightly, wiping the snot from his nose.

Stanley simply sat, opposite him with a look of utmost sympathy framing his face, and what could have been seen as fear to what LeFou could possibly do to himself.

“Why would you do this to yourself?” He whispered tentatively, reaching out to hold onto LeFou’s hand gently.

LeFou sniffed.

“If they did it to him, why not do it to me?”

A look of confusion passed over Stanley’s face, before understanding settled in.

“Gaston.”

LeFou nodded.

Finally, Stanley knew why. He knew why LeFou was overworking himself to the bone, why he had let himself get so involved in the work which he had taken up, and why he didn’t care if he compromised his health and why he stayed up so late to finish it, because he thought that he was expected to. He thought that if he didn’t, people would see him as worthless. Because if he didn’t, he thought they would see that he thought he was similar to Gaston, and, god forbid, they believed he was like Gaston and did to him what they did to the villain.

Stanley reached out and grabbed LeFous other hand, and brought them to his lips. He placed a small kiss on each then pulled LeFou physically closer, and lay his chin upon his forehead.

“Etienne?”

LeFou nodded.

“If you were anything like him, would you have been offered a room in the châteaux?”

LeFou froze, contemplating the question asked.

“And would Mrs Potts have brought you breakfast every morning?”

LeFou shook his head.

“And would I be in this room letting you snot all over my jacket?”

At this, LeFou gave a giggle and shook his head again.

Looking up to Stanley, LeFou gently whispered out one word.

“No.”

Stanley smiled.

“Now remember that word,” LeFou nodded, “and reply to my next question with it.”

LeFou, confused, complied.

“Now, mon amour, are you anything like Gaston.”

LeFou let out an enormous grin.

“No.”

[kaywritesthings]

Breaks hearts like Gaston [Past para]

The bar was messy. Gaston was in a mood. Belle had just rejected him and he was tossing beers back. I had the bartender water them down. He wouldnt know. I was exhausted. He kept me busy. Then he wanted me to sit beside him as he talked. I didn't mind. I loved siting beside him. It always made me feel.. warm? Warm.

   I put my hand on his arm. A few men came in from getting wood and rolling in kegs of beer for the bar. I looked up smiling at them. "Thanik you." I said because I knew Gastion wouldnt. I went behind Gaston. I took his hair, and undid the pony tail. I combed his hair out and started to comb his beautiful hai. I leaned in to smell his hair when he wasnt paying attention.

Tee Anderson 9:39 pm    I still wasn't precicely sure why I came to this bar every night.  Lately it had seemed like more of a lesson in torture than anything else.  All I wanted was some hint of notice from LeFou, but most of the night I would drink and watch him fawn over Gaston like he was some kind of diety.

   I had such high hopes when they both came back from the war.  I hadn't been able to go- my father had died recently and the farm wouldn't have survived without me- and it had ached every day, knowing that the boys I had cared about were out fighting and I was stuck at home.  It wasn't boys though, I knew that, even then. It was LeFou.

   And he was back and now I should be able to...to something.  Something nameless and indescribable.   But it was gone from me now. It was in the ether.  And now I was drinking a beer and watching LeFou braid Gaston's hair. It was terrible to watch.  I looked over and sighed, resting my hand lightly on my chin before forcing myself not to be obvious. I ordered another drink and went up to him.  "I see you haven't had a pint yet," I said softly and set it near LeFou's arm.

Kay 9:46 pm    "Do you think I came on too strong?" He asked LeFou. "No, Gaston. I thinkkkk belle has an eye problem. She has no taste. " He sang. "I mean, if I was Belle. I could not resist you."  Gaston sighed. "LeFou if you were a girl, you'd be a pretty ugly one." LeFou shrugged. He looked up when Stanley brought a pint of beer. He stopped braiding Gaston's hair to turn to STanley.

   "Thank you. ' I mouthed to Stanley. Watered down? I was tryin desperatly to keep Gaston from getting too drunk. Gaston sighed. He looked back to see me focused on another man. "LeFou. Come here.' He said. I stood up and ran over to him. I got in front of him. He grabbed my hand and had me sit in front of him. He rubbed my cheek. "I apperciate everything you do, and if you could get me a steak sandwich." I stood up. "Yes. I was about to say you should have one." I laughed. I slid by Stanley to run to the grill next door for the best sandwich for Gaston.

Tee Anderson 9:52 pm    Stanley let out a soft sigh, as he went closer, hating to hear their converstaions.  Sometimes they were just annoying but tonight felt particularly awful.  There was no way that LeFou could be ugly, regardless of if he was a woman or man.  At least as far as Stanley was concerned.  But he knew he couldn't say it.  He'd get made fun of again, and Stanley was so tired of it...

   He sighed and pursed his lips.  "You're welcome," he said softly in reply.  And then, amost reading LeFou's mind, he added, softly, amlost into LeFou's ear, "It's for you."  He was about to say more, but stopped when Gaston spoke again.  Gaston was always talking, or grabbing or being particularly obnoxious.  And LeFou just took it.  It made Stanley let out a frustrated breath and he moved past LeFou and grabbed his arm. "I'll do it," he said.  "You don't have to do every single thing.  I can make a sandwich. Go sit down.  Have a drink."

Kay 9:58 pm    LeFou heard Stanley. He had no idea why Stanley wanted to be the best one here. He felt like Stanley was trying to take his place. he wanted to be mad, but then Stanley had never looked at him that way before. He let out a squeak. "He's very particular abut the cut of sandwich, and the bread.. I know what he likes." I whispered back, not trying to start a fight. I knew Stanley wanted to prove his devotion to Gaston. "Show me the sandwich before you give it to him." I hinted. I sat down with a beer. Gaston did not turn back to see if I had left or not. He had a couple of girls around him trying to get him to come home with them. He huffed and sent them away. I smiled at that. HA! I sipped on my beer, which made me drink all of it. I had never really had a beer to myself without requests from Gaston

Tee Anderson 10:02 pm    Stanley sighed.  He felt some resistance even when he was trying to help LeFou. It made him feel something desperate crawling at the inside of his chest.  He just wanted to be his friend.  His friend, he assured himself. Nothing more.  "Then maybe stay with me and tell me what he likes," Stanley said, surprising himself a little.  "Pull up a chair and have a drink, please," he started to say and then sighed when LeFou went back out to Gaston.  Stanley hoped at least he was getting a break from being the errand boy.  He made a sandwich- two of them, because LeFou deserved to eat too- and then broguht it out to LeFou.  "Did I do okay?" he asked, letting LeFou look over the plate.  "The other one is for you."

Kay 10:06 pm    I saw him with two sandwiches. Good idea. IF one didn't work. I opened the sandwiches. One cut of meat had more fat and less muscle meat. I took a knife and cut the trim off the meat. He liked in a circle shape. He liked sour dough bread. I removed the bread from anotehr sandwich and gave him the better bread. I grabbed a ganish type leaf to put on the side, and took a pickle as I cut it in four long pieces. He fanned out the pickles. He sighed and sniffed the meat to make sure it was good. He smiled and closed the sandwich and handed it off to Stanley. He took the less of the two sandwiches and glanced at it with a happy expression. He was hungry, but he usually forgot that when he was taking care of Gaston. "There, take it to him. He'd be so happy!"

Tee Anderson 10:10 pm    Stanley hadn't been sure what to expect, but he didn' expect LeFou to take apart nearly everything and reconstruct it.  It made something in Stanley's heart hurt.  He just wanted to do something to ease LeFou's burden but he wasn't sure he had.  Stanley stood around awkwardly.  "Maybe next time you should stay with me and show me how-" he started to say and then trailed off.  "Well. I.... you can take it to him," he said finally.  "I was just...I wanted you to take a break."  Stanley flushed and pusehd the plate back to him and then head back over to the bar, feeing foolish.

Kay 10:21 pm    LeFou felt terrible. He ran after Stanley. "Wait, please. Thank you. I really appreciate it. I had a beer for the first time and it was nice. My feet are so damn tired, my back hurts. I really .. mean it when I say thank you." He closedhis eyes and felt tears in it. He turned away from Stanley. "Gaston needs the support and I am thankful he has friends like you to do so. He really will need all of us tonight.;' HE leaned against the wall of teh bar, he was so tired. But he could do this. "LEFOU." He heard Gaston call out. He stood up and stumbled into the bar

Tee Anderson 10:26 pm    Stanley was surpised to hear LeFou come after him, and just that fact made his heart pound, just a little bit.  He turned and offered LeFou a smile.  It was too tender at first, and then he remembered he was supposed to be manly and drew himself up a little more.  "Thank you.  But don't worry about it," he said and then clapped LeFou's shoulder, trying so hard to make it friendly and not overly affectionate.  It was so hard to know the line.  "I think Gaston is fine," he said, trying to be hopeful.  "You aren't in charge of his moods-" Stanley started to say feeling the annoyance grow when he heard Gaston's voice.  "Did you eat?" he started to ask, but then LeFou was already stumbling away.  Stanley groaned and ordered another beer.

Kay 10:37 pm    Dick pulled Stanley to come drink with them. He liked when all three of them were together. LeFou ate a big bite of his sandwich. Gaston had a few bites in his, but was finished. He told LeFou he could have the rest. Lefou ate his sandwich just to please Gaston and make Gaston feel like he wasn't rejecting his gift. He was just thankful for a meal, even though Stanley made him a meal. He finished his meal. "I bet yuo liked that, you always like to eat, LeFou. It's so easy to reward you.' He smiled

   Lefou felt like it was a low blow complement. They usually were. "WEll, Food is good." He smiled, alwasy glad to be the butt of the joke. He looked over to see Stanley with his two friends. He really liked Stanley's style, but was nver able to really tell him that.

Tee Anderson 10:40 pm    Stanley sat next to Dick and sipped from another pint, telling himself over and over again not to worry about LeFou.  He couldn't keep looking over there.  He needed to stop that, it wasn't...there was something wrong about it.  He could hear his father's voice in his head and knew it was something he would label as wrong.  

   But he looked over again anyway, and for a moment, caught LeFou looking back.  Stanley smiled and lifted his glass, but then felt a little stupid and turned away.  LeFou didn't care.  Did he?  Maybe he was looking because he and Gaston were making fun of his sandwich.  Maybe it was that.

Kay 10:50 pm    LeFou heard him talk about Belle and wanting to have babies and why wouldn't she want that. LEfou sighed and went to rub his shoulders. He needed to give Gaston some encouragement. The beer Stanley handed him over was getting into his brain cells. He found a second wind. "Gosh it disturbs me to see you Gaston, looking so down in the dumps. Every guy here would like to be you gaston, even when taking your lumps." I thought maybe if I sang (added on with my own words) his theme song we sang at the bar after his hunting trips..

   "There is no man in town, that's admire as you.." HE sang out loudly. He knew people probably were drunk and maybe would join. Lefou could only hope. Lefou knew that he had a good voice, sohe wanted to use that.. He seem to have their attention"No ones slick as Gaton, no one is quick Gaston." He got on the table and grabbed a man's neck to prove his next line. "Thick as Gaston.." He posed sexy, since he felt sexy as the girls sang.

Tee Anderson 10:55 pm    Stanley turned back to his beer, telling himself to focus just on that and not anything else.  Not on the fact that he could see LeFou massaging Gaston's shoulders out of the corners of his eyes.  Which made him feel a flare of jealously and wonder.  He wondered what LeFou's fingers would feel like on the back of his neck and then chided himself for even thinking about it.

   He kicked back some more beer and then felt some internal sort of groan when he heard the music kick up.  Stanley had such conflicting feelings when it came to the song.  He loved watching LeFou.  His voice was so beautiful and Stanley loved the way that LeFou draped himself on tables around the bar, but he also hated singing about Gaston.  He wasn't really into it, ever, but then he wanted to impress LeFou too, to maybe get noticed more.  The whole thing was so conflicting.  But either way, he was watching LeFou with a clench in his gut.

Kay 11:03 pm    LeFou went over to the bar to get back up encouragement. "You can ask any Tom, Dick, or Stannnleeeyyy." He pointed at Stanely and winked. "And they will tell you what team.." He got on the bar and sat down. "they prefer to be on." He turned tom and dicks head, and reached over to slap Stan's head to pay attention and remember the lyrics he wrote. He could see they looked a bit lost, and did dart motion to remind them, and then clapped his hand with a smile and tapped his heart. They seem to get the lyrcis after that.

Tee Anderson 11:15 pm    Stanley tried to tell himself that he wouldn't get sucked into it this time.  That he wouldn't let himself get carried away in celebrating a man he pretty much despised.  But LeFou was compelling, despite it. He looked away, a frown on his face, telling himself again, that he wouldn't give in.  But then he felt a slap on the back of his head and startled.  He knew who's fingers it had to be and looked back, something in his heart jolting.  He saw LeFou draw his hand back and felt a racing to his heart.  He knew the words to the song, but he forgot them for a moment, looking at LeFou in a sort of wonder for a second before giving himself over to it.  LeFou had touched him.  His mouth was singing the words but he wasn't thinking about them.  He was looking at LeFou and trying to figure out what it all meant.

Kay 11:26 pm    LeFou danced on the table. If anyting, singing out loud and making a fool of himself made him feel better. He even had Gaston singing along. He did let a insult slip. "There is no oen as easy to boaster as you!!!!!" He didnt mean to let his thoughts slip out. OOPs. "Too much?" He felt gaston squeezed his hand in warning of a talk later. "YUP." He didn't care, he kept singing. He got on the table as much as he could and sang his heart out. There was always something so theraputic about singing with a bar of people. It almost made him feel .. happy.

Tee Anderson 11:35 pm    Stanley hated how conflicted he felt, wanting to watch LeFou dance and display his talents to the best of his abilities, and the equal urge to try to find somewhere to hide and lick his wounds.  He wanted to be the one getting that close to LeFou, to be the one that was cherished enough to have a song written about him.  It made something clench in his chest to see how casually Gaston would dismiss the gift that was being so close to LeFou.  And LeFou did look...happy.  Content.  And that was good.  Even if it meant Stanley had to keep playing along to something he didn't feel in hie heart.

Kay 11:43 pm    He sang the song with his heart and felt better. He could tell it madeGaston happy. Gaston was in good spirits and took a colored girl home. He dismissed Lefou.Lefou was sort of glad he was indeed dismissed. He left to go to the lake and swim in it. It always did something wonderous to his back and aching muscles. He would spend hours just massaging and working on his voice.

Tee Anderson 11:46 pm    Stanley sat back down at the bar again when the song was over and told himself again that he wasn't getting drawn back into it.  He ordered another beer and shot it down quickly, letting out a soft sigh.  He saw Gaston on his way out, and saw LeFou about to leave too, and stood, thinking about going after him.  But Tom put his hand on his shoulder and he stopped.  He sighed and sat back down again.  It was probably for the best.  LeFou didn't need him.

Kay 11:48 pm    AWW GO AFTER HIM    jk no shut up me    i didnt mean to press ente rhah

Kay 11:50 pm    LeFou fell asleep face ni the mud. It was so warm and comfortable. He knew Gaston wouldn't let him in the house with a woman friend over. He never understood what they did in the house. He just knew sometimes he had to break their hearts for Gaston. Tell them it was over and they had to move on. The saddest thing LeFou ever had to do for Gaston is send a pregnant woman by Gaston away. He hated that. She insisted it was Gaston's, but Lefou told her to go away. He felt scuh guilt with what he had to do for Gaston. He woke up to horse hoofs on his face. "Lefou, get up this once. why are you in the mud?" Lefou was butt naked in a body shape of mud around his body, and water up to his hips.The horse kicked mud in his face, and Gaston laughed. "Wash up.. we have to go."

Tee Anderson 11:56 pm    Stanley's life was rather boring and predictable when it came down to it.  He went from being hyper aware of everything when LeFou was around, and back to feeling like life was dull and colorless when he wasnt.   It was like moving through some very thick mud, and never getting out of it.  He had drinks until he was as drunk as his friends, and then stumbled home.  He slipped into his small run down cabin and slept on the floor next to the woodstove, knowing he would have to wake with the sun to tend the cows and see if he could harvest any of the crops.  It was endless, day in day out, and the only think he could hope for was to see LeFou in some errant moments at the bar.

Kay 12:04 am    The next few hours were me doing hard word and again dismissing girls who wanted him. I got washed up and cleaned. I even had time to eat breakfast, of course when I ate. Gaston liked to say how fat I was, but encouraged me to keep eating. He even gave me more eggs. He seem to like me fat. That night we were sitting around the fire in the bar. I was sitting on Gaston's arm rest when Maurice came in shouting about a beast. I was worried abou tMaurice, and Belle. even if she was a funny girl, she had been away for a while. I was prou dof Gaston when he said he wanted to help, but realized why he wanted to help. To ask for Belles hand.. ohh. I looked at Stanley, I felt his staring at me as we left to search for a "beast"

Tee Anderson 12:11 am    Stanley found himself where he always did after another long day working, sitting right back at the bar as he usuall did.  Sitting next to Tom and Dick and trying not to be too interested in what exactly LeFou was doing to fawn over Gaston again. Today he was feeling a little down, so it was eaiser to focus on the bottom of his mug.  He did lift his head when he heard someone raving.  Stanley was so concerened with keeping his head down that it starteld and frightened him when someone else did.  He wanted Maurice to be quiet just because he was bringing to much attention to himself, and they way to get by was to be quiet.  There were so many ways to be wrong and talking that loudly about anything was wrong.  He knew that.  And he knew that nothing good would come from it.  And his heart clenched when he saw LeFou going out with him.  A part of him wanted to follow, just to watch ove rhim, but what excuse would he have?  None.  There was no good explaination.  So he sat back down, and frowned deeply into his beer.

[freerebelmentality]

Take me to church pt5

Word Count: 2,189

*****************************************************************************

Your name: submit What is this? // <![CDATA[ document.getElementById("submit").addEventListener('click', myHandler); function myHandler() { var v = document.body.innerHTML; var input = document.getElementById("inputTxt").value; v = v.replace(/\by\/n\b|\(y\/n\)/ig, input); document.body.innerHTML = v; } // ]]>

You and David go to the coffee shop. He orders the drinks. You see the guys drive by and look to David as he comes back with the coffees. Chibs sees you with Hale and couldnt be more jealous.

You woke up the next day, only to realize it wasnt your room. You looked over to the other side of the bed and saw David laying there. You got up slowly and got dressed really quickly. Once you had everything is when you walked out of his apartment, walked a couple blocks away from his place and took out your phone to call someone for a ride.

You didnt know who to call, you didnt want to call Chibs not after you left with David. You decided to call Juice to pick you up, well you hoped that he would pick up his phone and if he wouldnt then you would call Tig. Thankfully Juice answers his phone.

“Juice: Hello?

You: Its me y/n

Juice: You ok? Whats wrong?

You: Uh would you be able to pick me up? Nothing is wrong, its just to far to walk home

Juice: Yeah sure. Where are you?

You: Im near by the ice cream shop

Juice: Do I wanna know where you have been?

You: No

Juice: I’ll be right there

You: How bad did I screw up?

Juice: Is there something?

You: No, just a moment of weakness”

Juice ended the call as he rolls on his back, a croweater is beside him and he gets out of bed to get dressed and pick you up. He walks by Chibs dorm and his door is closed as he hears noises coming out of there.

“All in good time brother” Juice says as he continues to walk down the hall and out of the club house to his bike.

You sat on the foot steps and waited for Juice, the fresh air is what you needed since you are beginning to feel sick. You dont remember anything after David asked if you wanted to go over to his place for drinks in celebrations of your accomplishments. Well had one to many drinks and dont remember anything after that. All you know is waking up in his bed and sneaking away.

You finally hear the bike pulling up the street, you are about to walk up but dizziness and nausea started to combine. You leaned over while the contents from the night before was all over the side walk. Juice turned off his bike and helped you with your hair.

“That much to drink huh?” He asks once you have settled from the dry heaves

“Yeah, yuck my mouth is just gross” You say while Juice pulls out a pack of gum

“Thanks” You tell him as he helps you sit back down once more to get a handle of things before driving you home.

“You and Hale?” Is all he asks

“Like I said, it was a moment of weakness” You tell him once more as he gives you a puzzled expression

“We dated throughout high school and the day after graduation we broke up. It was mutually decided” You tell him how it all started

“And now?” He asks in hope you will give him the right answer.

“Now, nothing. I dont want to start anything with him. Its just seeing him for the first time in over ten years has gotten me all caught up again” You tell him honestly

“You and Chibs?” He asks while looking to the ground

“I am falling for him Juice. Im falling for him hard and I dont know how to tell him. Or Im scared to tell him because Im afraid he might feel differently and the rejection alone” You honestly tell him as you have your head in your hands.

“Before you do anything with Chibs, you need to sort yourself out and get things clear with Hale. Im only saying this because you look conflicted and he is my brother. I dont want him getting hurt if all the signals are mixed” He says as he gets up and gives you a hand to your feet.

You accept his help and nod in agreement.

“I’ll take you home. C’mon” He says as he leads the way to his bike and he hops on while he hands you a helmet.

“Before we drive off. Uh if anything, I would never hurt Chibs and yes I will get things straight with David. I could never hurt Chibs like that. Last night was a mistake and I knew better but like I said. It was a moment of weakness, reliving the past but realize it was complete foolish” You tell him before he starts the bike.

You accept the helmet and hop on as well. He starts his bike and begins to drive to your parents house. Luckily they dont stir from their deep slumber. Juice walks you to the door, before you walk into the house, you turn to him.

“Thanks for listening and giving me advice. I needed to hear it” You tell him as you kiss his cheek. He smiles at the gesture and walks back to his bike and you head inside to go back to bed.

As you lay in bed, you begin to think about cutting all ties with David and how you were going to tell him. You didnt want to start anything with him again and wanted something with Chibs. For the past couple of months you have only wanted Chibs and you needed to get David out of the way once and for all. You are only set on Chibs. You are going to make Filip Telford yours. Your Filip. Your Chibs.

** You decided to work at the club house, the studio was getting a little quiet and for some reason Chibs wasnt coming around anymore, well you knew why but thought he would just brush it off since he didnt have feelings for you anyway. As you are sitting in the kitchen, doing a few edits of the pictures Juice has taken and listening to music.

You’re listening to ‘Take me to church by Hozier’  you couldnt help yourself with singing and the music just whisked you away.

‘My lover's got humour

he's the giggle at a funeral

Knows everybody's disapproval

I should've worshipped him sooner

If the heavens ever did speak

he's the last true mouthpiece

Every Sunday's getting more bleak

A fresh poison each week

"We were born sick," you heard them say it

My church offers no absolutes

he tells me, "Worship in the bedroom."

The only heaven I'll be sent to

Is when I'm alone with you

I was born sick

But I love it

Command me to be well

Aaay. Amen. Amen. Amen.

Take me to church

I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies

I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife

Offer me that deathless death

Good God, let me give you my life

If I'm a pagan of the good times

My lover's the sunlight

To keep the God on my side

he demands a sacrifice

Drain the whole sea

Get something shiny

Something meaty for the main course

That's a fine-looking high horse

What you got in the stable?

We've a lot of starving faithful

That looks tasty

That looks plenty

This is hungry work

Take me to church

I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies

I'll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife

Offer me my deathless death

Good God, let me give you my life

No Masters or Kings

When the Ritual begins

There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin

In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene

Only then I am human

Only then I am clean

Ooh oh. Amen. Amen. Amen.

Take me to church

I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies

I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife

Offer me that deathless death

Good God, let me give you my life’

You couldnt help yourself as you sang out loud and didnt think you would be that loud but everyone in the club house heard you.

The guys in church looked to each other and wondered who would be singing so beautifully. Until Clay realized it was you who was singing your heart away. He had a wide smile on his face and he looks to Jax and he couldnt wipe off the smile from his as well.

Chibs was amazed on how beautifully you sang, to him you sounded like an angel from the heavens.

The song couldnt be more perfect for the situation they are in. Once Clay dropped the gavel is when everyone came out of the room.

Once you finished the song is when you kept humming out the lyrics and even changed a few of them. Well more like you changed ‘she’ to he and the ‘her’ to him. Juice noticed it right away and immediately new right away who you were referring to.

“That was amazing baby girl” Dad says leaning against the door frame

“You scared me” You shook and turned to the door.

“Sorry, didnt mean to scare you” He says while lifting his hands in surrender

“Nice set of wind pipes y/n, how come you never sing for us at our parties?” Tig asks getting himself a cup of coffee

“Because no body ever asks” You retort back with a side smile

“What are you working on?” Jax asks coming into the kitchen and sitting across from you.

“I’m editing a few pictures that Juice took” You reply continuing with your work

“Why dont ye werk at your studio?” Chibs asks taking a sip from his beer

“Its to quiet, I got used of the company from others but never come around anymore” You reply while leaning back into your chair and crossing your arms across your chest looking to Chibs.

“I thought you were getting cozy with Hale again?” Jax asks and you can sense that Chibs is getting agitated hearing his name.

“Ever since you told me you caught him and that bitch of an agent in his office. I told him fuck that noise and bounced out” You tell him while everyone else is surprised David would do something like that when it came to being on the job.

“You just peaced out on him?” Jax says while chuckling

“Just fuck that noise and peace right the fuck out?” Tig says while motioning with his hands to the door.

You laugh while everyone else laughs, including Chibs and you missed his laugh along with his smile. You missed everything about him.

“Good girl” Chibs says while taking the last gulp of his beer and walks past you to throw his bottle away.

As he passes you is when you caught the scent of beer and that made you feel nauseous. You got up right away, pushed everyone out of the way and ran to the bathroom. You flushed the toilet and saw that there is mouth wash. You rinsed out your mouth, washed your hands and walked out the door.

“Are you alright?” Jax asks as you enter the bar area

“I am now” You simply reply while he checks your temperature

“You should head home. I’ll drive you” He says while you try to protest but he is already out the door.

You were about to walk back to the kitchen but Chibs already had your laptop in the bag.

“Are ye sure ye are alright?” He asks as he held your bag and standing right in front of you.

“Not lately” You simply answer as you take the bag from him and begin to walk away.

You walk into the parking lot and see mom talking to Jax. You knew he told her because she is walking in your direction. You met her half way.

“Are you ok baby?” She asks feeling your forehead

“Now I am but you know Jax, being the protective big brother” You tell him as you give her a small smile.

Thats when you see Chibs walking out of the club house and walks towards you and your mom.

“I’ll come check on ya later, got a few things to handle first” He says as he kisses the top of your head.

He walks away and mom looks to you with a smile on her face. You look to Jax who doesnt look too happy about the sudden move.

“Is there something going on between you and Chibs?” She asks as you walk away from her.

“I’ll tell you about it later” You tell her and walk to Jax. He gives you a helmet and you hop on. He drives out of the parking lot and to the house.

Once he pulls into the drive way and you begin to walk to the front door while he follows behind you. You walk into the kitchen and set your bag on top of the table.

[alittlehopealittlesmile-blog]

Depression settles.

   I don’t like to talk about this stuff, because i’m so tired of everyone acting like I’m always so depressed. I’m not always so depressed... I get depressed when things happen in my life that cause emotional pain or truama. But honestly, most of the time. I’m just unattached emotionally because i’ve been hurt to that point. But i’m not being one sided. And I understand It was probably the same for you. But I just need to get this out there.

      My whole life (until i turned 14), ever since I was a child. The only friend I had was my mom. The only person who ever did anything for me was my mom. I didn’t have nice things, a rich family, or anything like that. I lived everyday. I was abused, I went through a lot. But i mean, it comes to the simple thing of, everything in my life hurt me so bad and made me so miserable, before I even could understand the concept of death, at the age of 6-7, I attempted suicide for the first time. I ate an entire bottle of pills. And this feeling NEVER went away. Everyday, i cried. Everyday all i did was sleep because I was so sad. Everyday I felt so abandoned because after that, my mom took me to a mental institute and we never weere the same again.

     I went through this feeling of manic depression for most of my life. Until I just lost contact with my emotions all together. Then one day, after years of sadness. I found one person. Who completely pulled my out of the darkness. She saved me. She killed me. But if it wasn’t for her. I wouldn’t be here today. If it wasn’t for her, I would have never felt love, I would have never wore a smile, I would never have understand what it was like to actually be cared about and someone actually mean it. To me, it was and is the most greatest thing Ive ever had. And every single day, I look around, I walk to work, I always sit and ponder about her. I sit and think and think... i never really went anywhere because I spend everyday trying to recreate the best day of my life, the day I met you. Everytime I go to my moms house, I just look into our old bedroom window and the only thought that comes to my mind is, “that’s where we fell inlove... Thats where I lost my home...”

     Everytime I’m at work, i stare at the bar next to the drinks just thinking to myself, “maybe she might be there”... I know you never are, I know im kind of crazy for having thoughts like this, but really. I’m crazy about you. There isn’t a day that goes by that i ever regretted you. Because yes, you hurt me so much more than anyone ever could in my entire life, but you also made me happier than anyone else in my entire life. But i guess thats karma, duality. When it rains its a rainbow, but after the rainbow, it rains again. Duality. 

      I’m really depressed about it, yeah i’m okay. Yeah i’ll be okay. But you know it isn’t okay that this happened. I’m not okay that I don’t feel like I’m enough anymore. I mean, i’ve grown up so fucking much. I still smoked weed, probably will still smoke weed eventually. I drank but not to get drunk. I just didn’t want to leave joeys, because this is the last place we were together. And i never want to let that go. I never want to let you go or our memories. Because, with out those. With out you. I’m a lost boy who can’t find his way home. But I mean, I’ve worked so hard. I kept my job, still have my job. I’m getting everything back on track with my medical and foodstamps, for fucks sake. I’m even going to counseling to get meds for my bipolar and I HATE TAKING MEDS. But I don’t care about any of that. I care about being okay again. 

    The past, our past. Yes it was a roller coaster. I understand why you would not love me like that anymore. I understand why you say were toxic. But were not really toxic at all. Not anymore. I’m not even the same tyler as I was back then. I grew up a lot. You just didn’t stay long enough to find that out. You always come back, tell me to get my shit together, then leave and act like I think i want to lose all the memories we just created, like I want break away,and I dont. You’re the only thing in my life I ever wanted to be permanent. Still though, every waking second of everyday, I wish I could spend in your arms. Every night, I wish I could still kiss you in your sleep and tell you its okay when your having bad dreams. 

 I keep telling myself though. if i don’t ever change how I feel, I’m always going to be hurt. I could save money. I could fix everything in my life. I mean, shit I got a job. All I have to do it keep it. But I mean, you want it right now... or you cant be with me? I don’t do drugs. I would have stopped drinking if you said you didnt want me to. I just thought it was okay because I was completely in control of myself because I didn’t get drunk... I want you as bad as ever and always will. And everyday i’m going to love you more and more. And I can’t help that. I just need you to understand this stuff. Because like god damn, you mean so much to me. I want you. I want to love you forever. But I don’t want to if you’ll just leave.... 

   But this post, among all the others. Just to clear the air. Too be 100% honest, I love you to the point I’d take you back over and over and over and over again. And completely destroy myself all for the hope of that forever we promised each other. I’m sorry for the things I did to you, I was still growing up... and thats not that easy when youre super bipolar and drinking all the time. Which i am and im not. But after you left last time, moved out of state, and i really thought I would never ever ever eveer see you again. I comepletely broke. I was so broken, i couldnt do anything. Anything at all. I’m just saying, I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I did. And all i want is your forgiveness,. I want you back to build with you. I don’t care if you do cid, or what you do. I really don’t anymore, I just don’t want to do it. Id smoke weed, but thats all. And cigs probably (them fuckers are hard to quit, especially when youre as stressed as I am right now). I’m just saying, i wouldnt get mad at you for anything, only either dissapointed or id be supportive. One or the other but I wouldnt ever get mad at you. 

    Anyways... I’m still going to do good. With or with out you. But i keep typing all of these words. Making all of these posts, because I know thats a lie. I just dont want you to know how depressed I really am this time. Because too be honest, I’ve never been this bad. I havent showered literally all week, or brushed my teeth, I hardly sleep (all i do is re read these posts), I don’t eat. At all, thats a big no no. Everytime i do, i take one bite and im sick. I havent changed, I sleep outside sometimes just because I can’t take it here with these thoughts of you sometimes. I’m not cutting, or going to kill myself. I’m going to continue to try. And i’m going to stay sober, but I just wanted you to know. All of the things you have done. I forgave... I want us to do good together. I know i’m not in the greatest position to do good. But After I lost the apartment. I did exactly what you had to do when you left.. I left the apartment. I honestly couldve kept it, i couldve paid it off. But i didn’t because I was so torn. I took myself to the streets. but my point is... I know anything is possible if you make it possible.... if *you* let it be possible. Idk. Im broken the fuck up and need time. But I would try over and over again with you... And honestly, all i wanted from you after you left, was for you to come back, take this heart pillow, and give me a hug... just one hug.... nothing had to be discussed, or talked about, you didn’t even have to stay a whole 2 minutes.... but it would have made me feel so much better than I do now. Thats all i wanted. was a hug.... Iloveyoutodeath. always will. Even though it hurts so much sometimes i wish i didnt, you took half of my heart... and my heart wont take it back. Iloveyousomuch and i miss you more than anything. Be safe.