#i wouldnt be able to sleep if i logged off and went to bed now id be 1. having too many thoughts about what will happen and 2.

[cassie-moore]

Making late lunch-been working like crazy calls w 12 countries now time zone is peace for a bit

Glance at this - have a draft

I didnt log feeling draft-reading back on it. My feelings are always so raw late at night. Maybe because my heart is more open and i allow my thoughts/mind and heart to communicate. I feel like during day I block them from eachother (maybe a survival tactic i developed to protect my heart idk)

Last nights raw…

TR whole thing to feel 5/16

Got an alert he posted im too afraid to look at moment or i wont be able to get that sleep. Too much info in my dm, and im too sick of seeing her. Dont know if shes w him again out there. But if i saw her out there w him i wouldnt be able to even process it let alone check absorb that before i went to sleep. If shes not there w him, im sure shes sending him selfies of her face prob looking pouty that shes not w him. Or if he asked her not, it would prob last a week and then pick right bk up when she got comfortable again. Because its who she is.

Been seeing pictures of her taking pictures of the sidewalk or herself for an entire year of my life. If anyones posts could make someone feel like theyre losing braincells, its hers.

Its somehow not even the posts or array but more the fact that you know that prob six of her seven days a week are centered around her posting on the gram

I dont get it, yet he must think thats normal for a girl? Idk

By my late twenties i had my series 7 63 65 and 31. Had already lived for a couple yrs and been an actress in LA, Built a $65 million dollar book of business that had nothing to do w my dads team at ms

Fck.. The Ptree Group manages like $14 Billion in assets now, and just landed The Weather Channels stock plan

Point - im so damn terrified inside my heart that he is will choose this chick forever. I dont know if Id be more depressed for myself or for him . Having to watch her alongside him was like watching paint dry for a year (literally) …i cant do it anymore

My average looking non-famous guy friends said theyd choose me no question over that (two saying they didnt find her attractive), but yet the man of my life who stamped his name in music so hard that he has fan girls scrambling in their heels everywhere around the globe chooses to be in an actual relationship with her. Potentially even marriage. The whole thing has felt like a mind fuck for me to wrap my head around and my biggest fears lies in the fact that the only part that makes sense for me exists in his arms

Thre it is. Yearning ache again

I just feel like deep down shes a girl shell of person his persona g-e would have entertained for a night before but now, deep down i just feel like the real Gerald would no way green earth give up his intellect or creative or drive to appease her laziness and ever stay happy about it

Log all these feelings, sleep them off, come out of cocoon, take a hot shower - crawl in bed. Think about how nice if would be in bed with him - under covers naked w him - fall asleep to that

[devotedlystrangewizard]

listen i hate queue times for msq trials a LOT but it.. it is kinda funny when its the queue for the final trial of endwalker

[stitchthebratprince-blog]

Hey momma, I hope you're doing well upstairs cause i'm not doing well down here at all. Its just been a bad day. I think doctor had a seizure last night. I got home late and your bed sheets were cover in his heavy seizure piss. I wasn't planning on being gone from home that long but i was. I ended up getting home like at mid-night and i gave himbhis pill to late. I ended up sleeping in the couch. I was going to finally try to sleep in my room but i couldn't so i slept on ths couch... that thing has never been any ones friend and the babies of course slept with me.

My mom called me today. I have been asking her for the details and information for your memorial service. I havent logged on to your facebook to tell the people there that you had passed away. There are still people i need to tell. Fuck.

So my mom called me. Well she called me yesterday but i was busy with alex and the er. Oh his foot got bigger and he was in more pain but he went to the er again and they gave him norco this time. He is doing a little better now.

Well she called me today. We talked. She finally gave me the address and the time. I asked her what time did she tell people it was going to end. I told her that 6pm was a good time. If the mass is at 11 that 6 pm was good time to end it. She wanted to negotiate. Then she said she would have rented a hall or sonething. I stopped it. I told her this isnt a fucking quince anos or some fucking birthday party. That she should have some respect for our home. It isnt hers she doesnt have rights here and then i just let lose on her. I told her what she did on Wednesday was no where remotely ok. Imagine, momma, if ok was an island in the pacific. What she did wouldn't even be in the same galactic super cluster. It probably wouldnt even be in the same universal chain quadriant. Whats a galactic cluster? Its, ok? We live in the milky way galaxy our neighbor galaxay is Andromeda so a galactic cluster is just a bunch of galaxies in a determined amount of space. Idk the scale but it looks like an mri of an active nervous system. The universal chain quadrant? The theory of the mutliverse. Multiple alternative earths? Its the way the universes branch out and how much they deviate from each other. Like the difference between an earth where the nazis win and an earth where all white people got taken out and there is universal health care and world peace and we started to explore the universe and colonized mars and shit oh and theybhave flying cars and shit? What?! World history is this in a nut shell. "White people arrived. White people fuck shit up. White people oppress native population. White people complain about the angry native population. Rinse and repeat." Now here is the trick question. Where am i talking about? India, the americas, Australia, china, the middle east, africa, the deep south of the untited states? Or better yet when am i talking about? Ok i get it you got it... its not racist if its ture momma... just sad.

What was i saying? Oh yea i told my mom off. I told her also why she even thought Jorge was then go to person to go to like he even has an opinion? Or a say in anything. I just let fly out of me. I told her it ends at 6pm. If she kept pushing the matter then it will end at 2 pm. No more negotiating no more talking. It tried to guilt me that she spent $900 of her own money on the memorial that she has limited funds because of her job. Its not the money that bothers me momma. I would pay anything to have you back i will pay anything to have your wishes come true and i told her that. That she didnt have to pay it all herself. If she had told us what she was doing and how much so we would have done it together but instead she wanted to do what she wanted to do so it falls on her. I also told her that she and Jorge didn't help out with your cremation. My dad, alex, silvia, and the guys from the shop all Pitched in to cover that expense. Not even my so called "friends" helped me out. She went on about her limited funds. My whole world ended with you. I have no income. I dont even have your income. I told you but you never ever really believed me. You go and all of this. The dream the hopes everything goes up in smoke and it probably is.

You were right about them. You called it. It sucks that your death was the price for this and alot of other lessons. You didnt have to go for me to learn this. I always knew they were shitty people my mom and friends. It just didnt matter to me cause you were, well you still are, my best friend. You were the person i would share my dreams and fears with. You were the one i would share my crazy theories and ideas with. You were the one that would get into the shits and the trenches with me. No one else would go as far and as deep as you did with me let alone for me. We survived your greatest fear together. We ended up homeless but you, me, and the babies and even skitty pulled through it together. We bought our dream house together Last year. We still have more to do together. You cant leave me here all alone. Cause even though the babies are here. Its still alone. They need you just as much as i need you. They probably need you more then me.

It basically it was exhaustive exchange. I hung up on her and i out my phone on silent and thenni drifted of to sleep in a nap. I ended up waking up like 3-4 hours later. I had so much to do today. I was going to replace the utility sink and do some laundry and start emptyimg out the office so i can turn it into a kids room for alex's kids and then at some point i need to empty out your room for alex and doha my room will be my room but it will also be the babies room. I need go to ikea to go buy more doggie beds for them. I really hope i am doing the right thing. I wish you were still here cause right or wrong we would go through it together and thats all that matter in the end cause we always guarantee outcome we would come out of it together.

I've decided because alex hasn't ever really had stability in his life, its funny how you and me are 14 years apart and alex is right in the middle of us with 7 years difference on both sides. I will let our home become his home. Well not his home. The kid's home. If the keep your home comes through the house payment will become way more manageable and once the judgement money comes in i will get the life insurance and invest it so i can have that for income and surplus, and thank god to white people and their bullshit, i will have 0 taxes for it. And doctor has what maybe 3 good years left in him maybe he might make it till he is 15 years old but at least you'll be waiting on the other side for him and the rest. And the babies maybe have 10 years in them maybe more. So what i have hopefully 10 more years to go till my time is up and hopefully my ticket gets punched. So anywhere between here and there i'll stablize myself and leave his kids the house and some money for college or whatever they want to do and oswaldito something too and i'll be able to bow out gracefully. But if i am able to make time travel practical in the next 10 years then maybe i can go back and save you and make these next 10 years pointless and edit time so it has you in it and all of this is a moot point and we can get the life and ending you deserved.

Regardless of what you may think or feel. I still need you. I am going to fuck up. I am going to probably end up crashing and burning. I am having such a hard time keeping it together righr now. When you were here it was so easy now it just takes so much just to breathe. Momma please come back! I love you.