#i wouldn't be this worried at least not for myself if i were 50

[dummerjan]

Masha Gessen in an interview with Yuri Dud

[miradelletarot]

Trauma Dump Hours

Apologizing in advance. This is gonna be HEAVY FEELS. I just...need somewhere to put all of my thoughts down so feel free to scroll past this.

**This is HEAVY mental and emotional trauma with mentions of abortion within so please be mindful of the content below the cut**

I have made mentions of my parents before, but never really went into too much detail about my relationship with them because of everything else going on. But, in light of some things that have happened recently, I need to just get these thoughts out in some sort of order...which might not happen but here we are. So my relationship with my parents has been interesting to say the very least. i was raised in a very conservative catholic home. Silent gen dad, and a boomer mom. both very intolerant of anything they don't agree with. My dad is the epitome of hating everything that doesn't align with his beliefs...If you aren't white or straight especially, and do not live the traditional lifestyle that he feels one should abide by. (hopefully that paints a picture for you).

Anyway, I am the baby of my family. My brother is 50 and my sister is 49 (they are a year and 4 days apart). I arrived 12 years later. I was very well and truly an OOPS. My brother is the golden child, my sister, the problem child (former, anyway, but she was definitely more wild than they liked,) and I...well, I had to be the perfect one to do as my parents wanted 100% of the time.

my mom had no self-esteem and raised me to be the same way. never be too confident and sure of myself b/c it was unbecoming to do so. I had to always get good grades, and always follow the rules. If I ever did something wrong, i got the wrath of my father (that stern, military rage). So, as i got older, my mom would hide things from him on my behalf, but only if I did something for her. Things like keeping secrets from dad, hiding mail so she didn't get in trouble with the finances again. If i ever dared to stop doing that shit for her she would blackmail me...would threaten to tell my dad all the shit i did wrong if I stopped helping her. Basically, I was scared and brainwashed into having ZERO autonomy or individuality. If I showed any emotion other than happiness I always had "an attitude." But, I saw my mom's behavior as if she was the only one in my corner...my buddy who kept my secrets for me because no one else would.

I struggled in school, but almost always got As and Bs. I had to work my ass off for it too. Math was always a sore subject that made me and dad lock horns. He's a math wiz, and I'm not. I'm not well read because I HATE reading books. (thanks school for ruining that for me). history? forget it. i have a horrible memory. But, if i ever got a C? holy shit i was a failure in their eyes. I feel like I am so far behind everyone intellectually that it's hard for me to have conversations with people sometimes because I feel like I can't keep up. By the time I got to high school was when I finally started to see what they were doing to me, but I was too afraid to break free. Honestly? i didn't know I had a choice in the matter. When I was in college, I had to be in remedial math. When my dad found out (b/c he was paying for college,) he literally screamed at me in the financial aid office b/c he couldn't believe I was in such a low math class. His apology? "I just worry about you, and i want you to do well." What a fucking joke. Again, in college, I was big into choir. we had a huge spring performance that we NAILED and we wanted to celebrate. So, we carpooled and went to a nearby club. I was barely 20 so i had the wristbands of course. I CALLED my mom to ask if i could go. Told her who i would be with, where i was gonna be, and that it would be WAYYYY late before I get home. Said I would keep my phone in the car b/c I knew i wouldn't hear it or feel it vibrate, but i could call her when I leave even if it was like 3 am. She said no need, and let me go.

So, in I walk at 330 am to both my parents in the living room, and my dad SCREAMING at me that I am just like my sister. out partying at all hours doing "god knows what." I was dumbfounded. My mom didn't even look at me...just sat there as I got ripped into. Wanna know why that happened?? Because SHE PRETENDED SHE NEVER GAVE HER PERMISSION. She told me later that her and dad had to have a "united front" and I had "no right to be mad" at her. When I tell you I leveled my room into an absolute mess that night and cried myself to sleep. the betrayal I felt...as a 20 yr old, a legal fucking adult, and I had no voice. no independence. My relationship with them has gone south ever since.

Of course, several things have happened between now and then. Their relationship is very transactional, and always comes out with me needing to serve THEM for them to be happy. for them to see me as worthy. But, my mom likes to throw it in my face whenever she can about how great my brother is. How stable he is. that bitch is single and has no kids. fuck him. he's an incel anyway.

Mother's day this year was the last straw for me. I called my mom out of obligation. in that 15 minutes she gushed about my brother's financial stability knowing how hard i have been struggling since I left my husband. I told her how proud I was of myself, that I was doing all these things with very little help, and making so much progress in such a short time. her response? As deadpan as possible "Congratulations. You're finally adulting." Finally? FINALLY? Not like I had been trying FOR YEARS when my irresponsible idiot of a husband was the one who had the control. I left my childhood home and walked into another relationship with a person who was just like my parents. A transactional, mentally and emotionally abusive relationship. I was his shadow because i felt like i HAD to be. When he wanted to leave me in 2021 for that very reason i thought i would literally die. That's when I found my spiritual practice. when i started to really change and try to find myself. and yet, he STILL didn't like who I was. Hence, why i finally found the strength in me to leave him back in December. I got no support from my parents. They wanted me to move in with them....ACROSS THE STREET FROM MY EX...just so i could be close to my children. I'm only 15 mins away from them. I see them when I can with the 2 jobs I work for shit pay. I'm busting my ass to pay off my car. Have they ever called in the 6 months I have been gone to ask me how I am??? If I need help?? NO. And why would they?? Between my mom and dad both, I was told on three separate occasions that they wanted to abort me. But I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL THAT THEY DIDN'T. Why would I? I have lived my life feeling like I was never good enough, that i was a worthless burden to the world. All because i was conditioned to believe as such. Thankfully for my sister, she saw through their shit a long time ago, and left home when she turned 18. i wish I understood why back then...but I was a kid. All i knew was how hurt my parents were, or how they seemed to be, and I believed that if I did anything to hurt them i was a bad person. I couldn't be like my sister. because that was a bad thing. But...nothing makes you feel more unloved and unwanted than your parents telling you they didn't want you. Then act surprised when you block them and don't want to speak to them. I can't go thru 38 years worth of shit they did, but this was some of the bigger/more recent stuff. It's amazing i never blocked them sooner (though, being across the street from them at the time was certainly a factor...)

It's why my identity means so fucking much to me. i felt like my name is not my own, my existence isn't my own. Why I want all the labels that I feel make up who I am so i can have some fucking semblance of understanding about what makes me "me."

Aside from spanking as a kid (which was normal back then sadly,) i was never physically abused. i had a roof over my head, I had food when i needed it, I was clean, had nice (not name brand) clothes...all the necessities, but I never *ever* had a healthy grasp on my mental health. never had healthy coping mechanisms for my emotions, and I never felt truly loved by my parents. better seen than heard, and if i was seen it was always to do something that made my parents proud so they could brag about me. I was a trophy. A puppet.

And today, as i sit here, wondering how tf to deal with my parents...I am anxious and scared. i feel like a child all over again, trembling like I am about to be scolded. All because i was conditioned to believe that my feelings were worthless and wrong. I have gotten 2 voicemails today from my dad, telling me I "need" to call them. To explain what's going on. Suddenly, they are worried. Suddenly, they care. But I know it's only for their satisfaction. part of me wants to pour my soul out and light it on fire so they can see how much they hurt me over the years. Part of me wants to pretend they are dead and forget they exist. I am not sure what to do.

So, if anyone ever wonders why Gale means so much to me...why i have such a mental and emotional attachment to his character. this is why. because aside from my 2 bffs, he was the only other entity that made me feel loved and worthy, and it breaks my heart that he isn't real. For now, though, he's a beautiful escape.

idk if I need anything rn...I'm not sure where to go from here. I have no idea what will make me feel better. getting some of it out helps. Being in therapy definitely helps. If you read this then you're a damn trooper...or a glutton for punishment, idk. Either way, thank you for listening to me.

I really don't expect anyone to say anything or even read this. It really isn't necessary. But please know that for the many of you whom I have befriend on here since I joined tumblr...I am grateful for you all. Just being in this space has been so healing for me. thank you.

[ginnyzero]

Tips for ADHD Writers

(From an ADHD Writer & Spoonie)

As an ADHD author, and a spoonie (migraines) I know that a lot of typical writing "guidelines" can feel overwhelming and often don't work. I taught myself to write (results may vary) and after several decades of this; here's some of what I've learned to keep the dopamine and words going.

Throw out Genre Conventions & Boxes; Discover what stories you enjoy & write those.

There's nothing more restricting as an ADHD writer being told "this genre has to be this way." See those boxes. Break them. Find what type of stories and tropes and archetypes you enjoy writing in the types of worlds you find fun and exciting and write those. This should be fun. Writing may be hard, so give your brain the things it craves to snack on.

For example, I love writing romantic comedy with action. I love scifi and I love fantasy. I love shoving the two together. So, if I told you I feel my style is a blend of Jim Butcher action and Anne Bishop family dynamics, you might not get it. But if I said, I love the Mummy/Van Helsing, the Adam's Family, The Ocean's Series/St. Trinian's, and the Expendables, you might be getting closer. Oh, and Star Wars. Particularly the Wraith Squadron EU stuff of Star Wars. Han Solo and Bounty Hunter Wars.

2. Tackle Writing Craft Issues One Thing at a Time

All the writing guidelines and 'how to write' can be overwhelming. Turn off the noise, and choose one thing you want to work on in your story. Dialog. Description. Character Interactions. Conflict. Pacing. Whatever it is you want to work on, focus on it and only it. If you're working on dialog, then don't worry about description. If you're working on character interactions and group dynamics, don't worry about conflict.

The first "Craft" thing I remember trying to tackle was dialog. I wanted to write fun, snappy, dialog and not do question and answer responses like you see on sitcoms. It was the era of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and hopefully I made it my own later. Then I was like "I love characters, let's have fun characters." Plot and description came last for me. But I wouldn't be where I am today if I'd tried to do it all at once.

Go ahead and tackle this post bit by bit if you need to! I get it!

3. Write down all your Ideas into a paragraph synopsis outline.

Hyper fixation is great when you first get an idea. The juices are flowing, the dopamine is high and everything is all coming together. Or so you think. However, from painful experience, I know hyper fixation may not last between the 360K to 495K words of a trilogy, it might not even last past the first 80K. That's when having this synopsis paragraph outline filled with summaries and dialog snippets will be your savior. It will be able to rekindle your focus and make connections in your brain on what you were trying to do. And yes, it's okay if it's messy. You're the only one who is going to see it, and part of the dopamine thing can be making it less messy.

For example, I'm working on a vamp romcom trilogy right now. I got through the first two books and like the first 20K of the third book before my brain went "we need a break, write something else, PLEASE." then refused to focus on it for seven months. (I wrote a 'proto first draft for something else that I've been poking at for at least 10 years.) Sometimes, your brain won't want to focus on a story for years after you started it. Paragraph summary notes are your friend. And might be more important to do while you have this hyper fixation than the actual story itself. (Do what you can.)

4. Ditch word counts

There's nothing more depressing then trying to set a daily word count goal and not meeting it. Or seeing other people posting their daily word counts. Especially when you might write 50 words one day and 6000 another. Ditch this whole idea you have to write every day, because it's not feasible, and won't make your dopamine go up if you feel you 'failed' the goal or 'failed' in comparison to other people.

Writing is not about your word count all the time. It's about research. It's about idea gathering. It's about making that lore book. It's about getting all those pictures into a folder, and then sorting that folder. It's about day dreaming, and shower thoughts and the story you tell yourself before you go to bed. Or that music playlist you need to trigger your writing. Or buying the perfect candle. Making a map. It can even be scrolling tumblr b/c you might not be able to advance that story until you see something that triggers 'oh, that's what I want.' (I had this happen to a third book in a trilogy of a fairy tale sword and sorcery fantasy I was writing, it was a bit frustrating. But it's written and pubbed now.)

5. Copy and Paste what you might think is Half Assed Description

You've described something like a room or a person in your story, and you need to go back to that room (these are called key places) or person later or in the next book and you don't want to rewrite the description b/c that's not making you happy (unless description writing does that, then go you) go ahead and copy and paste it. It will save you time, and headaches trying to keep details straight.

Because as someone who doesn't see things when I close my eyes and I must define everything into words, people who can see things when they close their eyes probably think you have too much description. (Don't listen to them.) And it's okay to repeat yourself, because you are describing for you, and others like you, who need the description and reminder every once in a while what color hair and eyes and possibly skin, all these characters have and what the room looks like.

And don't be too hard on yourself. Go read Brian Jacques. If you can create a description even a third as well as Brian Jacques, you are winning. Okay, Brian Jacques wrote his books for blind children and thus described everything three times as he tried to include as many senses as possible. (Very important.) If you can hit one third of it, you are golden. (Also, he's fun. Long, as description eats up words, but fun. Err... formative years reading. Oops.)

6. Embrace writing the multiple stories/fanfics/short stories before figuring out what story you really want to tell.

Sometimes, it's not straight forward. Oh, how I wish it was. Sometimes, you end up writing what feels like thousands and thousands of words before you find in those stories kernels and ideas of the story you really want to write that you hope will make your brain shut up about that particular set of characters for a while. (Or not. Or not is okay too.) And this isn't wasted writing. There's no such thing as wasted writing. This can be part of the process.

So, the thing I wrote the proto first draft of, yeah, well, it's probably the third proto first draft and half a dozen other short stories where I figure things out. We are talking about 100s of thousands of words, at least two or three different change ups of where I want it to take place and genre types, but I would not get to the story I want to write without those other stories. And that is honestly, the most important bit, finding the story you want to tell in these bits of other stories you're writing, even if those stories never make it off your disk drive or no further than your closest beta reader.

The upside of this is, you get to know your setting and your characters really well. And so when you get to the story you want to tell, you can write that dynamic really well! On the other hand, you know them really well, and you might forget to show that dynamic in your story because you've forgotten other people haven't read the 300K words you've written over the years and don't know them very well. (This is when you need fresh eyes who have never read any of these other stories.)

7. Remember your readers are not in your head with you, and sometimes your future self isn't either.

It's okay to spell shit out. Especially if you're going for that YA audience or using a limited POV like first or 3rd limited. You can hit people over the head with the hammer. It's not 'show, don't tell,' it's show AND tell. You want to say the characters are good friends. Great! Now, go ahead and write out those fun character chewing the scenery scenes where they interact with each other and show me. If your character doesn't like interacting with other people, then you got to show me that. (Good read for this: Murderbot Diaries.) Tell emotions, write feelings. (How is their body reacting?)

This is good for you too, because you might not touch this story for months, have to go back and reread and are going "who are these people and why is the main character interacting with them?" And it might take a few paragraphs to go "Oh." So, go ahead and write it out for your future self too. (Been there. Done that. Expounded on it.)

I have had convos with my editor as I'm writing and giving her chapters, where she's like reacting emotionally and we're talking about this or that and some of it, I can't put in b/c it's limited third (and sometimes this happens with my 3rd omni stuff too,) but other stuff we end up saying, I go back to the scene and am like "okay, I should spell this out b/c obviously, I wasn't clear enough." And that's okay. I have a good relationship with my editor and really trust her, so this happens.

8. Don't worry about making it coherent for other people, unless you're going to publish (in any way shape or form.)

Look, if you are writing for yourself firstly, don't worry about structure, or pacing, or "Why do we care" stakes type of thing. Get the story out you want to tell and have fun with it.

However, if you want to publish, suddenly, all of this matters. Your story has to have some type of structure, some arc to it, a 'why do we care' type of stakes for the readers to latch onto very early on and it needs to be coherent for other readers who are again, not in your head with you. (This is why paragraph outlining can help. It can reveal the lack of this stuff before you get writing.) This is when I recommend strongly getting a development editor to help you find the beginning of your story and what the stakes/conflicts are for your characters and keep the story within your vision. (If they don't ask what your vision is, run.) And your structure just needs to exist, it doesn't have to be any 'defined' structure out of guidebooks.

9. When you get stuck have your handy 3 questions ready. What could reasonably happen next, aka what are the characters going to do? What could go wrong? And Does this Work for the Tone of my Story?

If you have trouble coming up with plots and you have no idea how to do conflicts, murphy's law is your friend. What can go wrong, will go wrong. You might come up with multiple ways things they can do and the ways they can go wrong and be like "but does this fit the outcome I want for my story, the ending I have in mind?" You might need to write them out. You might have to sit there and go "is this feasible or do I have to turn the story into pretzels to get it to work?"

Sincerely, watch the Emperor's New Groove. It didn't go through the Disney Process and every turn is "What can go wrong?" For both the protags, and the villains. At some point, generally in the third act, your characters will no longer feel as compelling if things keep going wrong for them. But in the first and second acts things can go wrong or appear to go wrong for the reader. (And then you get the dramatic reveal such as an Ocean's movie or Lucky Number Slevin.)

10. If you find it boring to write, your reader is probably going to find it boring to read. Summarize. Time Skip. It's okay!

This one is hard for me. Your story doesn't have to tell every minute of every day. Time skipping is your friend. Summarizing something that happens that isn't really plot important, they're doing this but you really don't need to show it, go ahead and summarize it. They were busy doing this, but we're at plot now!

Sometimes, that character interaction or fun going to a festival bit, or going on a date is the plot! This is called character development and your readers need to see it! Remember the type of story you're writing and figure out what the plot means for that type of story. (Hey, a romance without dates, is it really a romance?)

There's going to be times where you are going to be info dumping something you went and learned to write the book. And maybe on your third read through you realize, it's dull. And it's okay to summarize or take it out. Or sometimes, given you've read it six times, you might need to ask a beta reader "Was this boring, do I need to break this up?" Just to be sure. Because you know, yes, you will start to skim your own description and exposition. You are the one reading this book 10 times before publishing. Ack!

Or, maybe you've got the entire layout of the city/country in your head and why it is the way it is and all the politics, look, it might be relevant information, is it relevant right this second? No. Keep the story moving and put that information in context when it's important where it belongs! (See making plot paragraph summaries and writing lore books.)

Ten is a good number. In general, I also strongly recommend reading in your genres, and um, if you're writing a trilogy or a series, finish the trilogy, and write as many in the series as feasibly possible (more if they're say 50K words or so) before publishing them. This way if you find you've written yourself into a corner, or you need to make a call back but the call back you want isn't really there, you can go in and add those details or fix an ending without reader confusion issues. It can be something as simple as a plane going by overhead, or setting up foreshadowing for a later book. And you might not come up with that detail until 3 books in or know you need it and be like "crap" if you've already published. So, before you learn the hard way.

Most importantly, one spoonie to another. REST. If you need to rest, take it.

Bless and Happy writing ~ Ginny O.

[chaotic-toby]

Reasons why I kin Ashley Graves!

... well, I wouldn't say kin, but here is a compilation of relatable moments with explanations!

1.

I felt this in my bones when I first watched a playthrough of the game. There is this girl at school who I despise with a burning passion. It seems like everyone likes her, and in my eyes, she stole my friend. My friend barely even notices me anymore; given, I did start distancing myself, but that is because I noticed that every time she was around, my friend would pay attention to the girl that I hate instead of me. Now, I'm not saying that my friends cannot have other friends, but I basically became the friend that you hang out with when your main friend wasn't around. That is exactly what happened.

Everyone likes the girl more than me...

Now I know in this scene, Ashley was being manipulative, but I like to believe that she was voicing her genuine thoughts, or at least something similar to how she actually feels about Nina. And I have definitely thought something similar to this about the girl I mentioned earlier.

2.

Again, I know she is being manipulative, but as I said before, I think she is being slightly genuine, and I've had similar thoughts. I know people do like me-- my family and the few friends and acquaintances I have-- but it feels like they are putting up with me out of pity or because they feel like they have to.

I cannot fathom people genuinely liking me for the person I am, especially since I am an awful friend who can't even be bothered to check up on their friends.

3.

Whenever something bad happens, I think I compartmentalize. I push it away and try to focus on other stuff, acting like the bad thing doesn't bother me or doesn't affect me. Which is probably why my family isn't as worried about me as they should be.

4.

Me to myself every day. What is wrong with me? I mean, there has to be something that pushes people away, that makes it so that everyone I know prefers to hang out with other people over hanging out with me. I am no one's favourite person, and I never will be.

Why can't I just be normal?

5.

Ahaha, my sister once gave me a ring that costed her 50 cents, and I wear it everywhere I go. I love the ring so much. Also, a week ago, my mom bought me a stuffed dog because it reminded her of me and because I was upset the day prior. She didn't have to buy me anything, but she did. So now, I cherish that stuff dog just as much as I do when it comes to my favourite stuffed animal.

I named the stuff dog William.

6.

This is just the same as the earlier examples. She is mostly being manipulative or something, but this is relatable so I'm adding it

(There was another image I wanted to add to this reason but then I wouldn't have been able to add the image for reason seven)

7.

Now this image-- this moment at least in Ashley's mind-- is super duper relatable to me. I cannot remember the last time I felt like I was a part of my family. My family has barely done anything to make me feel ostracized, but for some reason, I just do. I remember numerous times where my family were talking about this and that, and I would just sit there, not chiming in at all, just watching them have so much fun without me.

I remember one time, I was in my room folding laundry, and I could hear my family laughing in the living room. They were having so much. I couldn't see them since I was in my room, but in my mind, I imagined a happy family (though my family has been far from happy).

Another moment that happened months ago was when my sister and her husband visited to eat with me and my mother. My sister and mother were talking about the houses my sister was looking at (she and her husband were planning on moving from the house they were living in at the time). At first, I tried to chime in, but they kept... I wouldn't say ignore me, but I couldn't really keep up with the conversation, so I just sat back and scrolled through Pinterest for God-knows-how-long.

My family looked happy. To me, it was like I was watching them on a t.v. That I wasn't actually there.

So yeah, in Ashley's mind, no matter how hard she tries to sit the Pink bunny at the dinner table, it won't sit up. She doesn't fit in with the family of bunnies, which is relatable and how I feel half the time I'm around my own family.

[thegodmother007]

My New Neighbor Chapter 10: Housewarming Party

TRIGGER WARNING: This story will eventually contain violence, angst, threat of death, swearing, dark humor, adult themes like sex & drugs, racism, classism, sexism etc. Do not say you have not been warned

Chapter 10:

I had been mulling over whether or not to invite Cain to my Housewarming party for a few days now. Bo was going to be there, as well as my parents and a few friends. I knew it was a part of the contract I signed to live here to give my tiny neighbor a heads up if I have gatherings of 3+ within 48hr of the event. With it being a week away, I had some time to think about it. I want him there, but remembered how he reacted seeing me the first few times, clearly Giants overwhelm him. Would I be putting him in an awkward position inviting him to an event that would realistically only have giants there? Not like I had a ton of Human friends I could invite…that is kind of the whole point of living here..I want to meet Humans & make friends. 

“It is at least worth extending the invite” I decided in my brain. For the next 2min I composed a text to Cain to see if he would be interested in going, but ensuring my text expressed there was no pressure on him to say yes. 

“Hey Cain, this is Vi..but, you know that already. Anyways, I am having a housewarming party this Saturday from 3:00pm-whenever. There will be drinks, snacks, I’ll be ordering pizzas for everyone and I will be bringing some products I got for 50% off from work. We’ll be doing games & whatever else we feel like doing. I am inviting my family and a few of my friends. If you’d like to come, you’re welcomed to swing by, seeing as this is your Unit as well, but there is no pressure to come. If you’re busy or something, don’t worry about it.” Send. 

I felt nervous, knowing damn well my brother & father weren't huge fans of Humans, especially considering how many of them view giants as dangerous & monsters. Both of them are guilty of listening to biased podcasts and radio shows, they just indoctrinate themselves & each other all day, even swapping content in our family group chat. Hell, even just moving into this complex & being a part of this program was an argument between my parents & I. Bo was kind enough to keep most of his opinions to himself, but not all of them. Part of me wanted Cain to say he was busy & not come. The other part wanted him there as a ‘Told you so’ to my family who doubted meaningful relationships can come out of co-inhabitation. I waited for Cain’s response as I peeled myself out of bed and began getting ready for the day. 

*************************************************************************************************************

I sat in my car having just gotten all my grocery shopping done when I felt a buzzing in my pocket. After turning the car on & getting the AC going, I looked to see who was texting me. My heart skipped a beat & my stomach dropped a little to see Vi’s contact was the one that texted me. Looking at the message, I see it was an invitation to a party. I didn't respond right away, immediately logging onto my Dave & Cruster’s app to see if I was scheduled that night. I was. Damnit. 

“Sounds good. I'll see you there. Would you mind if I invited a few friends?” I hoped Vi wouldn't take offense to the question. But seeing as her friends and family were going to be there, and so that I wasn't grossly outnumbered, I would at least ask. 

“Sure. How many?” She shot back relatively quickly. “I would say about 3-5 friends give or take.” I could see Vi’s typing bubble slide onto my screen & with a swoosh sound, the message popped up “The more the merrier. But bring Human cups & junk, I don't have that.” That was easy enough, I had plenty of paper plates and cups from the last party I held. “See you then 👍🏽” I shot back, keeping it neutral. 

With my blood pressure rising, I shot a mass email to all the Dave & Cruster's staff members: “@Bartending Team is anyone willing to switch their morning shift with my afternoon shift this Saturday?” Almost immediately Justin, a newer bartender who just turned 21, responded with “Dibs. I wouldn't mind sleeping in 😂” This worked out perfectly. “It’s yours. I’ll be in at 7:00am for the breakfast rush then.” I went into the calendar & switched Justin & my shifts around, reflecting the new schedule & forwarding the conversation with Justin to Management to keep them aware. I was going to a giant party this weekend & started texting my friends to see who’d be interested in coming with me.

*************************************************************************************************************

I stood by the kitchen counter reading Cain’s messages back to me. My heart sank a little to see Cain’s confirmation, but at the same time, I was excited that he felt comfortable enough to accept the invite. The realization hit me then, that I was going to have a gaggle of Humans in my apartment. Including Cain, I was about to have 4-6 Humans in my place & looking around, it didn’t seem very accessible to the human guests I was about to have in my home. I was going to need to do something about that.

Saturday - 2:45pm

The ladders for the Humans were in place in case they wanted to climb up to the coffee table. On the coffee table, were smaller seating areas and tables I bought from a giant doll enthusiast on Eepsy. Replicas of Human anything were always cheaper than getting the real thing, a deal I couldn’t pass up. I felt pretty proud of myself, seeing as I did everything I could to prepare for the smaller guests coming. As I put the finishing touches on the coffee table, I hear a buzzing at the door. I jumped from my crouched position and went to my speaker “Yes?” I inquired, wondering which one of my guests got here first. “Hillevia, it’s your favorite brother and I come with mead, let me in!” I smile, taking the opportunity to annoy my brother since those don’t come around all that much anymore. “What’s the password?” I asked indignantly. I tune in to hear my brother scoffing and groaning “I don’t know…uh Bo is the greatest of all time?” He suggests but I bellow “Yea, because THAT’S a password I would pick. Try again.” I insist and I can feel him rolling his eyes. “I don’t know! What about ‘unicorns are Vi’s favorite’?” I laughed and shook my head “Not even close!” I knew that Bo knew exactly what I wanted to hear. I waited and he paused, his will to hold out fading away along with the strength in his arms holding the bottles of mead he brought. “I’m waiting…” I say over the speaker only to hear Bo get quiet “Fine. Vi’s the best…” I took satisfaction in my brother’s hilarious suffering, but was not going to allow him to get away with only ½ of the password. “Aaanndd?” I asked with a raised brow. “...And she is smarter than me in every way. Vi just open the damn door, my arms are tired and I drove an hour to get here!” Finally getting what I wanted, I buzzed him in. 

“Baby sister!” Bo says as he places his mead bottles & drink cases on the kitchen counter. I am soon embraced with a spine crushing hug as I breathlessly ask mercy. I was dropped from where Bo had me in a suspended hug and catch my breath “Good to see you too, Bo.” I slap his shoulder and crack my spine back into place. I watch Bo walk around and seemingly inspect the apartment “Not bad, this is a nice unit you’ve got here. Where’s your human?” He asks looking around on the floor for him, as though I just keep Cain in my place. “Uh, he’s not here yet? You’re early.” I remind and Bo shrugs “I was hoping to say “Hi” to the little guy, maybe hold & play with him a bit.” I cringed at Bo’s choice of language, feeling the familiarity of the diminishment of humans I was often exposed to growing up. “He is not a pet, Bo. I haven’t even held him yet. And don’t you go using that kind of language around him & the other Humans he is bringing with him. I don’t want them thinking I am related to an Ethocentrist…” I warned with an icy tone. My brother, as unserious as ever, waves me off “Don’t you worry kid, I know how to behave. We have a few of them working at our construction site. Of course, they are more suited to be dispatchers, inventory managers & financial analysts..you know, the cushy jobs.” I felt my face growing a bit hot as I became more annoyed. “All jobs have their own challenges, don’t act like your job is more important, Bo.” I say as I begin to pour some chips into bowls and set out plates. 

“Whaaat? I didn't say anything that wasn’t the truth. Humans are better at being in their comfy little offices doing the light & easy work. I & my team are out there making a difference in the world, building homes and businesses, breaking ground on untamable land that was otherwise left alone by the humans because it was ‘too hard’” he says in a baby voice at the last part. 

I turn and shoot him a look “Don’t start that shit, Bjorn. I have Humans coming over as well and I don’t need you scaring them off or getting Dad all worked up. If you don’t follow my rules, I will kick both you & dad out. This is my housewarming party & my home. You will respect my human & treat him as an equal. I will even call dad right now to tell him the same thing-” Before I could do that, Bo interrupts my dialing “Dad isn’t coming. Mom caught the cold that dad is still getting over & asked me to tell you. They didn’t want to get anyone sick so they had me bring you your favorite seltzers on their behalf as a housewarming gift.” A rush of relief flowed over me, followed closely by disappointment. I look more closely to the seltzers he brough & they were in fact, my favorite. “Alright then, I’ll just text them later after the party. But don’t forget what I said Bjorn Berg, I am serious.” With palms up in the air in a surrender pose, Bo smirks “Okay okay, no need to go breaking out the full name now. I’ll behave myself….Hillevia Berg.” 

It wasn’t long until my friends showed up to the party, each one bringing something to share or to drink with the rest of us. As they poured in, I realized Bo invited more of his friends than I did. But a party was a party & I was not about to be picky over who joined us. I laid out the cannabis products I got from work, instructing those who wish to partake, to take it outside to smoke, forbidding them to smoke it inside. I kept looking at the door to Cain’s unit, waiting for him & his friends to show up, hoping that I wasn’t making a fool of myself with having a human set up & no humans to use it. 

*************************************************************************************************************

Just in time was I able to clean up from this morning’s shift at Dave & Cruster’s & rush home to shower. My friends started showing up to my place at 4:00pm, each one with food & drinks in hand. On such short notice, only 2 of my friends could make it: Brenden and Foster, both who I have roomed with before & who still room with each other now. I gave them both the run-down of what was happening tonight, but felt it was necessary to re-cap everything before we buzz in. 

“Remember, giants don’t like their intelligence challenged & we are guests in Vi’s unit, so try to be nice to her.” I realized how pathetic I sounded just then, looking at Foster who places a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t worry about it. We’ll behave, we are just excited to go to our first giant party & to see what it is like. We don’t plan on getting too wild.” I stepped back, knowing these two goons like the back of my hand “And don’t you go telling Vi anything about what I told you before when she walked out in the towel. That is bro-code, don’t go breaking it.” Brenden laughs and grabs the small cooler of mix & match drinks he brought “Can we just go? The party started an hour ago & I am starving, I was told there would be giant pizza!” He joked as I walked to the buzzer, holding my own tray of pigs in a blanket I took from Dave & Crusters. I press the button, hearing the chatter behind the wall dull down a bit with the echo of my buzzer catching the attention of the room. My door buzzes in return and with a shaky breath, I open the door for Brenden & Foster to walk through, both of them with full hands and distracted by their excitement. A few seconds after walking in, both have stopped in front of the door, looking towards the ceiling, silently staring. I follow them both, looking past them to see a group of about a dozen giants staring at us three, none of them looking familiar. They were huge & imposing. Some stood closer to my door than I would have liked, but many of them offered smiles to our little troop as we entered. It was only a few seconds of staring until Vi squeezed past the group, angrily whispering to her friends to “Stop staring!” and offer me a smile, coming down on one knee to be closer to our level. 

Both Brenden and Foster took a tentative step back as Vi’s knee crashed into the floor, sending reverberations up our bodies. I felt that rush of adrenaline I have become familiar with when I am around Vi. Now, it was magnified 100X because of all her friends watching us now. “Glad you made it!” Vi says to me & the boys. I place my hands on the backs of both of my friends and push them forward “Thank you for inviting us!” I call up to her. Brenden and Foster are both a bit pale, Foster is quieter than I have heard him in years. “Where can we put our cooler and food?” I asked, looking on the floor of the apartment to see no Human accommodations. I watch Vi motion to the ladder she installed on the side of her coffee table “I can take your things up to the coffee table area while you climb up. I have seating & tables up here for you, away from footsteps.” It seems Vi really made an effort in planning this out for her Humans guests. “Will there be more of you joining?” Vi asked and I shook my head “Unfortunately, no. All my other friends work at Dave & Crusters tonight. But I am sure you’ll eventually meet Brittany & Huan.” I assure, feeling a sense of confidence that faking-it-till-you-make-it will give you if you believe it enough. With a slow hand, Vi reaches out for Brenden’s cooler and Foster’s bag of chips that he brought. I was able to hand Vi my tray of pigs in a blanket without much hesitation, my main concern being that she might drop them. With hardly any effort at all, Vi places our items on the top of the coffee table, turning to watch us climb the ladder. 

I feel all eyes on us as we slowly make our ways to the ladder to climb up. None of the other giants have greeted us yet, but I didn’t take offense to it right away, I figured this would take some time, all things considered. The music continued to play in the background & a few of the giants continued their conversations, resuming the party as it once was. I let Brenden and Foster go up first, Vi carefully watching them both as they hike themselves to the top of the ladder after a few moments of climbing. Now that it was my turn, Vi looks to me and asks “Would you like any help getting up there?” offering me her hand, pushing it forward slightly while hovering the floor. I was stunned at the question, not quite understanding why she was asking me, when I was as capable as Brenden & Foster of getting up there on my own. “Uh, I am okay? I got it.” I said gripping the handhelds of the ladder, scrambling up quickly to show Vi how physically capable I can be. I easily beat the climb time of both Brenden & Foster, careful to hide any heavy breathing I might have had reaching the top. 

*************************************************************************************************************

I felt another wave of disappointment when Cain rejected my help getting onto the coffee table. “Not a good time to ask” I reprimanded myself internally. Holding someone for the first time is not something most would do casually. I stood up to my full stature once I saw Cain was on top of the coffee table. “See how fast I climbed that thing?” He calls up to me “I didn’t even need your help!” He laughs and I laugh along with him. This was a pride thing, I could tell by the cocky way he planted his hands on his hips, victoriously. I lean down, hands on my knees “I see that!. Tell me, are you guys hungry? The pizza just got here, can I cut you a slice?” Just then, Cain’s little friend Brenden scurries forward towards Cain & I where he stands on the edge of the coffee table “Can we have pepperoni!?” He asks me much like a child would. “Yea! Whichever one you guys want, I would be happy to-” I was cut off by Brenden fist pumping the air “I have always wanted to try giant pizza!” I laugh at his misplaced enthusiasm. “It’s just like regular pizza, Brenden. No difference in taste.” I assure but he shakes his head “Yes but it’s all you can eat..for us, I mean.” He says sheepishly and I laughed again “Good point. Let me grab you guys a slice, okay?” I already liked his friend Brenden, he seemed eager to socialize with me & hopefully the other party guests. 

I carefully picked a piece that had plenty of pepperoni, so they could have the full experience of ‘giant pizza.’ Getting side tracked a few minutes here & there grabbing drinks for people and taking a hit or two off some more generous guest’s pens, I return with a slice for them to share. Much to my surprise, my brother’s friend Myra was on the couch, talking to Cain & his friends. Myra was very social, she could (and will) talk to anyone given the chance. Brenden seemed to be the focus of her attention at the moment, Foster & Cain having taken seats next to each other among the set of chairs I had laid out. Cain’s face, from where I could tell, lit up seeing the pizza as I approached. “Your pizza, gentlemen?” I say in an all-too-cheesy French accent. Brenden, having the attention span of a hamster, stopped the conversation with Myra and turned towards the enormous slice of pizza they saw I was giving them. “This is all for us?” Brenden asked with vigor. “Yes, this is for all 3 of you. Enjoy & let me know if you need anything else.” I get up to turn away when I hear Cain shout to me “Wait!” I turn to see him half out of his seat, pausing when we made eye contact. “Are you going to eat with us?” He asked me and I shook my head ‘no’. “I got invited out to the balcony to smoke, actually. I was going to do that.” I explained, just to see Cain’s face fall before he quickly righted himself and nodded. I watched him turn to the pizza and, like anyone would try, take a bite from the huge pizza. Brenden wastes no time chowing down & Foster seems to be picking pieces off the pizza in a more polite way. I laughed and turned to the balcony where I am handed a joint someone rolled prior to the party. 

*************************************************************************************************************

I watched Vi turn away and disappear into the group, feeling shot down. I figured there was no use dwelling & ignoring the pizza wouldn't help, it would get cold soon. I start going for it along with Brenden but find that Foster’s method of eating was way less embarrassing. “So..” a charming voice rings out from above us on the coffee table. I look to see Myra, the giantess who introduced herself to us after Vi walked away to get our pizza. “You boys like party games?” She asks the lot of us. Brenden with full cheeks asks “What kind of games?” Myra’s toothy smile gave me a dreadful feeling in the pit of my stomach. 

*************************************************************************************************************

I was chilling on the balcony, smoking a joint my friend Erika brought, talking about anything & everything. “So the blonde human is your Unit Partner then?” Erika asks “Yea, that's him.” I confirm, taking a drag of joint. “The same one who insisted you were stupid?” I scoffed “Yea. But he apologized. He brought me a whole pizza, actually.” I say with a smirk. Erika questions “A human sized pizza?” She asks with a giggle. “Yea, but it was the thought that counted.” I assure and she sits back against her chair “Yea, that's true. At least he was sorry. Not all humans are right away.” I interject “Neither are Giants..” and Erika raises the joint in the air “I hear that!” She laughs, taking a hit herself. “How is he otherwise?” She asks, obviously curious about having a human roommate. “He's awkward & gets shy pretty easily.” Erika nods with a shrug “I can see why..”

That response puzzled me “Why?” I asked, sitting back up & looking at Erika. Erika looks back at me & gives me an up and down. “Babe, you're 85ft when the average woman is like, 60-65ft tall and don't take this the wrong way, but you have RFB real bad. You are also not very petite, you look like you could snap someone in half & give a chance you probably would. I’m sorry but not a lot about you screams ‘approachable’ you know?” I sat there shocked because I disagree completely. “I am totally approachable!” I argue and Erika rolls her eyes “To any giant, you're a fairly normal woman, they aren't worried about approaching you as much & once they get to know you, they can see you're a huge softie. But they have to approach you first. Can you blame Humans for not approaching you?” 

I sat with that & pondered it a while. In my concentration, I felt a buzzing in my pocket. Before I had a chance to pull my phone out, another friend, Tyla, pops her heart out of the door “Tequila shots for whoever is interested!” She calls out to those on the patio. I wasn't a drinker, so I opted out & checked my phone instead. I felt my stomach drop to my feet looking at my notifications screen. ‘4 missed calls from Cain’ ‘7 missed texts from Cain’ ‘2 voicemails from contact: Cain'. Quickly opening my phone, I read the texts: 

5:58pm: “Where r u?”

6:17pm: “ur friend Myra is getting 2 close for comfort & I don't like how these people r looking at me. can u please come in here?”

Missed call

6:31pm: “dude Myra is being super pushy & a few others are asking me n the boys if we wanna do beer pong. I think you need to come here NOW.” 

Missed call

6:37pm: “VI HELP PLEASE!!!!” 

Missed call

6:56pm: “Vi I feel vry unsafe. 1 of ur friends pushed me into a beer cup he lost in beer pong & drank from it w me in it. I'm drunk AF & I'm fuckin soaked & freezing rn. They're talking about human flavor or smthin making alcohol taste better an laughing but this isn't fuckin funny. I need help PLEASE. Foster was taken somewhere idk & Brenden is being used as a salt lick. This isn't funl, plz help…” 

Missed call

7:03pm: Vi pick up the goddamn phone NOW PLEASE!!! I might need to call the police if ur not in here in the next few min. I'm on the verge of panicking. FFS I NEED YOU TO GET IN HERE!!!! THEY ARE GETTING SALT OUT FOR TEQUILA SHOTS. SOS HELP!!”

7:04pm: “they gunna ajjlopkl” 

That last text from Cain made no sense but it didn't need to. I shot out of my chair, much to Erika's surprise & opened the sliding glass door of my balcony with so much force it fell off its track, but I didn't care. I needed to find Cain. “Cain?!” I shouted over the music which got considerably louder since I've been in here. Not only that, but I see more people have shown up since I have been on the balcony, cramming my apartment over its capacity. It was like pushing your way through a can of sardines. As I push my way past people, I look to the oven clock to see I've been outside longer than an hour. I look around the room frantically searching for the three boys. Almost immediately I spot Foster on the countertop, talking to one of the giantesses here, seemingly okay & unscathed. Looking around the room, I spot Brenden who is looking like he is rejecting something being asked of him. A giant, with buzzed brunette hair grabs him in a loose fist, bringing him towards a cup of beer. I could hear Brenden asking to be put down, pushing on the fingers of the giant who held him. I make a beeline for them, getting in the face of the giant who I recognized as one of my brother’s idiot friends. “And what the fuck are you doing?! Absolutely not, give him to me, now!” I shout over the music, holding my hands out. Gregg, my brother's idiot friend snorts “Awe what? Little dude is a party animal! He’s fine Vi, we were doing karaoke earlier & we’re playing ‘Truth or Dare’. He refused the dare so it's his turn to drink!” He begins to bring the cup back up to Brenden’s face, who pushes against the rim of the glass, forcing it away from him as his face turns green from how much drinking he was doing in such a short time. 

Gregg notices this and quickly shoves Brenden into my hands “Oh man, he's about to blow, you can take em’ now!” He insists as he hastily returns to the game the others were playing. After a moment of watching Gregg walk away, Brenden does in fact, throw up in my hands; his little body trembling as he sits on all fours and catches his breath between heaves. His hands grip the skin of my palm as he throws up a second time, I feel his nails digging into the thick flesh of my palm. I didn't say anything or chastise him for it, though. “Get it all out Brenden. Are you okay?” I ask him. All I got in return was a silent head shaking ‘no’ as he remained on all fours, still looking downward. I look around to see Foster still on the countertop with a giantess I recognized as one of my old classmates, Aubrey. I walk over to them both, lowering Brenden to Foster’s level.  Foster takes one good look at Brenden & is disgusted to see what a complete mess he was. “Foster, please, I need you to take him. I gotta find Cain.” I tilt my hands downward for Brenden to slide off. Aubrey starts cooing as Foster helped Brenden off my hand “Oh you poor thing. Let me get you some water..” she gets up, tending to Brenden along with Foster. I quickly go to wash my hands of the throw up Brenden so graciously left in my palm before looking for Cain. 

Drying my hands on my shirt, I look around the party to see if I can spot him. I push my way past the others to the coffee table where I see Cain’s phone was left on the table. “Shit.” Was all I could say as the dots connected for me in that moment. I turn, shouting “Cain?!” I slowly scan the party & look to my small dining room table where, for a fraction of a second, I spot my salt shaker. Remembering what Cain’s texts said, I shoulder my way through the crowd & towards the table, shoving aside these strangers I didn’t know. My face paled at the sight of Cain being suspended in air, held by his wrists and ankles by Myra, stretched out & shirtless. He was glistening wet as he writhed in her hands. Another Giant sprinkles salt on Cain’s exposed torso as he yells for them to let him go. Myra seductively licks Cain’s body, wrapping her tongue around his ribs, even going as far as to put her whole mouth around his waist and suck. I felt my nerves light on fire as I yell “HEY!” The loudest I’d yelled in a long time. 

The people around me, Myra included, look at me who stands there with fists balled. She takes her mouth off Cain, where I can see the light indents of bite marks on his body. No blood, but I could see Cain looking at me with pleading eyes. I push the women who are separating me from Myra, aside, as I march over to her. “That is my Human. Give him to me NOW.” I instructed but Myra laughed “Lighten up Vi, it's a party, he’s fine! He's our salt lick. Speaking of which..” Myra continues holding Cain, except this time, uses the hand that she was holding his ankles with, to grab a shot of tequila and shoot it. I place my hand under Cain’s body to take the pressure off being dangled from his arms. To my relief, Myra drops him into my hand where he crumples like wet paper. She gives a quick “Woohoo!” As her posse cheers her on & hands her a lime. 

I was infuriated but had more pressing matters to attend to. I turn away from Myra and hold Cain up to my eyes, looking him over carefully. He sits on his knees, hunched over and protecting his head. He shakes uncontrollably & I can hear him crying in between hyperventilation. My soul breaks in two at the sight of Cain. In this moment he was so small, so fragile and vulnerable. He put up a good front all this time because this was a completely different Cain than the one I've come to know. He weighed practically nothing sitting in my palm, yet his presence weighed heavily on my heart looking at him, cowering. I gingerly walk towards the countertop, carful not to jostle Cain, where Aubrey is helping gently clean Brenden. He has more color to his cheeks now since I've seen him last, which was a great sign. “One more” I say as I tilt Cain into Abrey’s awaiting hand that laid on the countertop, giving Cain more solid ground. I watch him tentatively as Foster helps Cain up, his eyes casted downward as he stumbles off Aubrey’s palm. 

I turn away from the countertop and walk back towards Myra. Of who, is looking for her salt lick that I took away. “Hey, why's you take my drinking buddy away?” She asks with a haphazard tone, not quite understanding the gravity of the situation. “You all need to leave.” I said coldly and curly. Myra folds her arms and twists her face and confusion “What? Why? Because we were having fun with your human?” I get chest to chest with Myra, standing a whole head and a half taller than her “Because if you don't leave in the next 30 seconds, we're going to have a fucking problem.” A few more people gather around, listening to the confrontation, some of them upset with me for trying to end the party & others trying to intervene in the confrontation. 

Myra, with liquid courage flowing through her veins, pushes me back with everything she had, causing me to stumble a few steps. “You can get the fuck out of my face, kid. Bo invited us, so if you have a problem, take it up with him.” It was at that statement I started seeing nothing but red. Without thinking, I stand back up and grab Myra's throat, lifting her a good couple feet off the ground. Her hands and her perfectly manicured nails start scraching at my grip around her throat, choking for a breath, legs kicking for any ground at all. A few of her friends yell in shock, urging me to put her down. 

It was at that point that I felt a strong hand on my shoulder “Aye aye aye! What's all the commotion, what's the problem here?” I tossed Myra away from me, into her group of friends who were cheering her on earlier, catch her with their bodies.  My brother turns me to face him, wondering why I was assaulting his friend. “You can get out too” I say starkly to my brother before he can get a word in edgewise. He looks confused, unsure of what happened. “Did I miss something?” He asks dumbfounded. 

“Yeah, you and your dumbass friends have treated my guests like second class citizens, like TOYS! Your friend over here? She was using my buddy as a salt lick and he wanted no part of it. He was begging her to stop, but she didn't. You are lucky, if you weren't standing here right now, I would have beaten the shit out of her. So instead, I’m shutting the party down. You & all your friends can get the hell out.” Bo backs up a bit and tries to deescalate the situation. “Ladies, can't we just let water stay under the bridge? Any guy who's well…a guy…would love to be Myra’s salt lick. C’mon, that's every guys fantasy right there, isn't it? Sucked on by a giant woman? I would have traded places with him in a minute!” He tries to joke his way out of this but I was done. “GET THE HELL OUT OF MY APARTMENT BJORN & ALL YOUR FRIENDS TOO!” I shout, pushing Bo away from me. 

The party came to a halt as someone stopped the music, a deafening silence falling over the party, all eyes on the argument ensuing.  I look around to see everyone standing still & staring. “PARTY IS OVER, GET OUT!!” I scream punching a hole in my wall in pure anger, which seemed to get a reaction from the crowd. People start grabbing their jackets, shoes they left & people they picked up. 

After only a few minutes, my apartment was empty, say for Aubrey, Erika & Bjorn. Bo walks away from me, grabbing his alcohol from the countertop. “This was supposed to be a party Vi. If they can’t handle being at a Giant’s party, maybe they shouldn't come.” He says as he proudly exits out the front door. I slam it behind him, with punctuating force.

Once the wall stopped shaking, I turn to see Erika & Aubrey are tending to Cain & Brenden. Erika has covered Cain in a bandana she had on her, and he uses it as a blanket. I walk up to Cain & his friends, swiping the drywall from my knuckles. Foster & Brennen, both who are talking to Cain & rubbing his back, look up at me. I feel a deep seeded embarrassment within me sprouting at the sight of their gazes. I could do nothing to change what happened & could do nothing else but apologize. I lower myself to be closer to their eye levels. “I am so..so sorry you guys. My brother invited all of his friends without me knowing. I wouldn't have invited you if I knew he planned on inviting more than just a couple friends. Are any of you hurt?” 

Brenden looks at Foster, who gives him a tentative look, one that didn't give me much comfort. “We’re both fine. Brenden is going to be hungover as fuck tomorrow, but he’s already drank two Liquid IV’s, so we’ll see. Cain on the other hand…” Foster lifts up the bandana to expose Cain’s bruises. On his arms & torso, he is covered in bruises & hickies. Although nothing broken, he was clearly hurt. “Cain, oh my Gods..” I reach for him instinctivly, but at the sight of my hand, he flinches & recoils in on himself. I felt a tear prick at my eye, but I was still far too angry to let it fall. 

“Cain?” I ask softly. “I am so sorry about what happened. Are you going to be okay?” Cain’s hands move the bandana covering his face, away “I jusst need to go home...Iiiii- don't feel ssso good. They gave me a looot to drink & my head really hurtsss” he says in a weak & slurred voice. I worried he had a possible concussion & alcohol poisoning. Aubrey & Erika both look concerned, looking at me. “Someone needs to stay with him” Aubrey says, looking to the boys in the countertop. Both look stressed “Uh. We both have work in the morning, we were going to leave at 8pm..” they say sheepishly. I felt a compelling to volunteer. “I’ll stay with him. Or, rather, he'll stay with me. I'll have him sleep here tonight to keep an eye on him. I took off for tomorrow, I can handle it.” Foster looks to Brenden “Should we really leave him with a Giant right now?” As soon as he said it, he looks to the giantesses that surround him with a “No offense” to punctuate what he was trying to say. Brenden nodded “I have maximum attendance points at work right now & you just started your job. Let her do it. Neither of us can afford to lose a job right now.” 

Cain rolls over, attempting to stand while engaging in the conversation happening on his behalf “No I can ssssleep this off, I'll be ooooh-kay.” As he stands, he immediately falls into Foster who anticipated catching him. “This is the drunkest I've seen him in a while. Take good care of him, okay?” Foster asks me. “Of course..” I respond as Foster supports Cain’s weight upright. I gently position my cupped hand behind Cain, Foster laying him in my palm slowly. Cain's head was clearly spinning as I lifted him off the countertop. 

Cain was having a difficult time keeping his eyes open at all as I brought him closer to me. I felt his breathing had slowed down a bit & he was broken out in cold sweats. I grab the bandana & lay it over Cain, who grips it & pulls it towards him. I look to Brenden & Foster “Thank you guys for coming. I'm sorry how it ended up.” Brenden nods and Foster scoffs “I had a great time” he says winking at Aubrey who giggles a little as she stands, offering her hand to both of the boys. I didn't have the energy to ask about that right now.  As I turned towards the hallway that led to my bedroom, I see Brenden & Foster, both safely in Aubrey’s hand, leave with her & Erika. “I'll text you tomorrow” I assure my friends as they waived goodbye. 

I look to Cain who had, without me noticing, thrown up in my hand and on himself. I sigh. “This is going to be a long night..” I say to myself as I walk to the bathroom to clean him up. 

AUTHOR'S NOTE: An extra long story for ya'll this week! Thank you for the continued support of my story. I apologize that I have not been able to get these chapters out as much as I would like. I have decided that I will be putting chapters out as I am able, not going to force myself to try & get them out every single Friday, as with a full time job, hobbies, friends & family, I find I am often busy. Thank you for understanding :)

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[writtenbymisunderstoodnerds]

For you, I would do anything (Kelley O'Hara x Reader)

Little valentines fic for you all :) First time writing for Kelley! Hope you enjoy

Words: 2.2K

Over the years I had noticed Kelley getting less and less excited about valentines day. When we first started dating 5 years ago, she was super excited about it and I had to break it to her that I didn't actually celebrate valentines day. I despised it. Why did I need one day to spoil her when I did it constantly throughout the year. She was understandably disappointed and I hated it so we had compromised on doing something small. For the first 2 years of our relationship we were never together on valentines day so I got away with sending her flowers and a nice letter. The 2 years after that I just cooked her dinner and got her flowers or a necklace or something similar. I always felt a little bit guilty though because I knew she loved it. Deep down I was worried that Kelley would start to resent me for not liking it, for not celebrating it the way she wanted to. 

As we walked around town, looking around shops that were all decorated for valentines day, I noticed how Kelley would frown briefly before covering it up. I promised myself then that I was going to spoil the shit out of her this year. I had just opened my own Auto body and mechanical shop so I didn't have a lot of money these days. Ever since I was a kid, I would spend hours working on cars with my dad. Ranging from fixing them to body work. I fell in love with it and worked for years to be able to open a shop that incorporated both aspects. Despite that, I was determined to spoil her.

Kelley was going away for the week leading up to valentines day and wasn't coming back until the 15th. It gave me plenty of time to put my plan into action. I had been planning on proposing to her for a while now, but I couldn't afford to get her the ring she deserves yet. I knew I could probably get her a cheap $50 one and she wouldn't care, but Kelley deserved better. I had seen a couple of videos where people had made their own rings out of hex nuts or by welding them from scratch. It didn't look too hard so I thought about maybe doing that instead. I just hoped it would be good enough for her. 

I tried to enjoy the time with Kelley before she went away, but my mind was working over time trying to plan how to make this the best valentines day. Kelley stopped suddenly, pulling me back with our joined hands and pecking my lips quickly. "You okay baby?"

"I'm fine, why?"

"You just seem quieter than usual."

"It's just been a long couple of days and you're leaving me."

Kelley laughed, pecking my lips, "I know it's hard work, but I'm so proud of you, you're doing amazing. I'm only gone for a week. It'll fly by."

"Let's get out of here, you need to finish packing and I need cuddles before you leave."

Kelley went straight to packing when we got home while I got lost in research about making rings out of a hex nuts. I wanted to get it right so if that meant watching countless videos and spending hours making it then that's what I would do. I don't know how long had passed when Kelley closed my laptop, moving it to the coffee table. She was only wearing underwear and one of my t-shirts, "You've been longer then 10 minutes."

"Sorry baby, I got caught up. Are you all packed?"

She straddled my lap, pecking my lips, "You work too hard. I'm all done."

"I know, I'm sorry."

"Don't apologise for working hard on something you love. Is it cuddle time?"

My hands ran up her thighs as I placed light kisses along her jaw, a quite moan slipping from her lips, "I have a better idea." 

---

I always hated when Kelley was gone, but this time I was at least a bit glad about it. It meant I didn't have to sneak around or make excuses for staying out late while I planned the perfect valentines day. I still didn't understand it or even like it, but for Kelley I was willing to do anything. 

For the next week I spent most of my time at my shop working on the ring as well as a welded flower made from different types of nuts. She had seen a video where someone had made something similar and joked that if I made her one then she would love me forever. So I decided to actually do it. I also spent most of the week anxious and filled with worry that it wouldn't be enough for her. I wanted to do more, I wanted to spoil her and buy her something amazing that she deserved, but I just couldn't afford it this year. I knew deep down that whatever I did for Kelley, she would love it. She always said that it wasn't about the money, that the important thing was the thought behind it. I tried to keep that in mind. 

It took a lot of work, but I managed to turn the nut into a perfectly round and shiny ring. I didn't want it to just be plain so with the help of one of my friends I got a feather engraved on the top and 'You swept me off my feet' engraved inside. The feather represented how we first met. Kelley and I had met when she crashed into me with her bike while trying to avoid a bird on the path. I ended up with a fractured wrist and nasty cut on my forehead. Despite that, I still found her oddly charming and very attractive. So when she asked me to dinner as an apology, I accepted. It was the best decision I'd ever made. Even if she always jokes that she swept me off my feet the second we met. That was the reason for the engraving inside. 

Kelley was due to land in just over an hour and I was rushing around getting everything set up before I had to go pick her up. I had spread LED candles and flowers across the room, set the table with a heart patterned table cloth, some real candles and a heart shaped box of chocolates. I had prepared her favourite food and some chocolate covered strawberries. Once everything was set up, I rushed out to pick her up. The hardest part was not to telling her about it when she asked how my week was. I normally told Kelley everything. It was easier not to when she wasn't here in person, when I didn't feel her hand in mine or lips on mine. It was hard, but I managed to change the topic to stop myself from spilling everything. 

The plan was to have Kelley go in first, which wouldn't work if she managed to get her bags like she was about to. I quickly ran around the car, taking the bags from her hands, much to Kelley's confusion, "I got your bags."

"I ca-"

"I know you can get them yourself, doesn't mean I'm going to let you. Now open the door."

Kelley gasped, freezing in place when she made it inside. After a few seconds, she turned to face me, eyes glistening with unshed tears. I wrapped my arm around her waist, pulling her into me and kissing her temple, "Happy valentines day my love."

"Y-you did this?"

"Unless you have a secret girlfriend I don't know about, yes it was me."

Kelley laughed, kissing me softly before she turned serious, "I love this. You didn't have to do it though. I know you don't like valentines day."

"You're right, I don't really like the day, but you do Kel. I've watched you become less excited about it over the years and I hated it. I'm not going to let you lose your love for valentines day because of me. You deserve to be spoilt, you deserve to be showered with love from your girlfriend on a day you love. Seeing the way you lit up is well worth celebrating a day I don't like so get used to it."

"I love you, I love that you did this for me, but it's not fair to make you do something you don't like."

"And it's not fair to not do something you love. You're not making me do anything. Seeing you happy is all that matters to me Kel and if this does that then I'm going to do it."

She sighed, knowing I wasn't going to back down, "Why don't we compromise? Next year we just stick to what we have been doing and the year after we go all out. Then just keep to that rotation. That way we both get what we want."

"You're okay with that?"

"I am. Relationships are about compromise. I'm just looking forward to the day I get to spoil the shit out of you. I didn't get you anything this year though, I'm sorry." 

"Don't be, I don't need anything. Valentines is for me to spoil you, the one who actually likes it. Speaking of, can you stop arguing with me so we can get back to me spoiling you?"

I stepped away from Kelley, holding my arm out for her and guiding her to the table. I pulled her seat out, waiting for her to sit down before putting dinner on to finish cooking and lighting the candles. Kelley had a small smile as she watched me move around. Her eyes were almost sparkling with the happiness and love that filled them. It made me want to get down on one knee right then and there, but I had a plan that I wanted to stick to. Instead we talked about anything we could think of while joking and laughing. Even after being together for 5 years, we never ran out of things to talk about. Talking to her was easy, being with her was easy. We fought occasionally, ran into rough patches especially over how much Kelley was gone, but together we made it work. I couldn't wait to marry her, to spend the rest of my life with her by my side through whatever life threw at us. 

We had just finished dinner when Kelley squeezed my hand bringing me out of my thoughts, "What's on your mind baby?"

"Nothing, I'm just thinking about how much I love you."

"I love you too Y/n/n. Thank you for dinner, it was amazing."

I kissed the back of her hand, "You're welcome my love. There's chocolate covered strawberries as well."

Kelley laughed, reaching over the table to kiss me gently, "You really did every cliché valentines thing there is and I love it. The strawberries might have to wait because I'm stuffed."

"I know, that's why I did it. In that case, I have something for you."

I handed Kelley the wrapped flower. She unwrapped it slowly, wide smile appearing as she saw what it was. I felt myself relax slightly seeing her smile while I tried not to freak out about what comes next. "You actually made me one? This is awesome baby."

I pulled the black box out of my pocket, keeping it hidden as I moved to stand in front of her, "You said if I made you one then you would love me forever, so I did. I may have gone one step extra and made you a ring hoping that still stands." I opened the box, sinking down on one knee as Kelley covered her mouth, eyes sparkling with tears for the second time today, "Hoping that you'll let me love you, support you, protect you, make you laugh and smile for the rest of our lives, hoping you'll say yes when I ask if you'll marry me. So Kelley O'Hara, will you be by my side for the rest of our lives? Will you make me the happiest woman alive and marry me?"

"Yes, yes Y/n of course I will," Kelley pulled me up, wrapping her arms around me tightly as tears fell against my neck, "I love you so much."

My own tears made their way down my cheeks as I connected our lips then pulled away slightly, "I love you Kel. Can I put this on you now?"

Kelley connected our lips in a lingering kiss before holding her hand out. I slipped the perfectly sized ring on her finger, nerves skyrocketing as she examined it, "Did you say you made this?"

"Um yeah. I couldn't afford the nice ring you deserve so I made one. It's nothing special and I'll get you a-"

"Baby I love it. I love it so much. This means more to me than any fancy, expensive ring you could have gotten. I don't want a different one. I love this because you made it and that's more important then how much this costs. You engraved it with a feather?"

"Riley did it for me. I figure it represents how we first met. It's engraved inside as well."

Kelley slipped the ring off, laughing as she read what it said, "How the hell did I get lucky enough to get to marry you? I love you so fucking much Y/n. I can't wait to marry you."

[fandomshatefatpeople]

I've been fat my whole life. Ever since I was a kid. And ever since I was a kid I've been mocked, bullied, ridiculed, insulted and even physically assaulted for being fat. To the point I ended up with an eating disorder and lost a lost of weight. Way too fast. In a way that wasn't healthy at all. But I still wasn't happy. Because I couldn't recognize myself anymore. And I felt like i was just doing this for other people. But it's just so hard for me to accept my body. It just feels like I'll never be happy with it no matter what

I'm so sorry we haven't answered this. I know that this is a triggering ask so I'm gonna add all the tags i possibly can followers.

I'm actually a lot like you Nonny. I was a chubby kid, then got my period at 10 because I was so fat. I had an eating disorder by 14 and while it didn't last long (the bulimia at least) I kinda got comfortable in my skin even though I slowly crawled back up to my previous weight I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. So the meds they put me on made me gain weight (50 pounds in 6 months). There after I did yoyo dieting and exercising flirted with bulimia again but it didn't work this time.

I'm not telling you this to trauma dump. I want you to consider my age and experience. I'm in my early forties. And its like... part of the reason I wasn't happy with my body was because I grew up with magazines and tv and movies constantly showing me thin ppl.

i don't think I stopped yoyo dieting until the cycle of yoyp dieting made me hit 250 lbs (I'm only 5'2) by then i was like 28/30ish. And like I think what changed was that I was watching media with like Donna from Parks and Rec, Shirley Bennet from Community. And they were never made to feel ugly for being fat. It was eye opening. (spoiler alert even though I'm not black Ugly betty was like more of the same thin ppl are the only that matter).

I don't think I really got comfortable in my skin until I joined pinterest about 7 or 8 years ago and got fed a steady stream of fat people in cute outfits.

Its still hard to find fat representation though. And I started looking into romance novels with chubby and fat protagonists about 5 years ago. Most notably the Brown sisters trilogy. They're all overweight and they all have these handsome men falling head over heels with them.

But like its one thing to admire people on pinterest with cute outfits. its a complete other thing to actually shop for yourself and give yourself permission to buy cute clothes.

One strange thing that happened about 3 years ago was that I gained like 40 pounds and all of my boring clothes didn't fit me anymore.

So this time shopped on lane bryant for cute dresses and jeans. and torrid, and hot topic. I started playing with makeup. (before I had like a uniform of jeans).

I'm not gonna lie people will *always* praise you for losing weight even if its because you're literally sick with an eating disorder or having health problems. (a friend of mine who did belly dancing lost like 30 pounds like really fast because all of the sudden she couldn't process meat anymore everyone fawned over her weight loss). she was literally starving and people wouldn't stop cooing over her skinniness.

I don't know what to think about society at large and their obsession with thinness. I've tried telling my family that I no longer want to keep clothes from when I was 250ish and they're all like "oh don't worry you'll lose the weight!!!"

I'm like bitch please. But its exhausting having people encourage you to lose weight. If you want you can message us off anon!!!

*hugs*

mod laina

[giantologist]

Hello professor.

I have found myself in a very difficult situation. Never knew much about giants, they seemed scary but I mostly felt neutral towards them. This has changed ever since i was awoken in the middle of the night by the the sounds of distant cries the last season.

I was scared at first. Never seen a 50 ft creatures before, but... He was just a lost boy, more scared of me than I was scared of him somehow. His name is Arvid, he looked to be around 6 years old, his parents were gone... I offered him shelter, thankfully my barn was large enough to give him a roof, at least for now...

He's such a sweet boy but, I'm scared for the future, i don't know anything about giants!!! I think it might best for him to be adopted by another giant but... This might be selfish of me but, I'm very attached to the boy, and he seems to be attached to me too, last night he called me papa!!!! then immediately apologized but I had to hide my smile. im also scared in terms of my resources to provide for him, but i think i can manage... For now at least.

I've already started reading up your works because of my limited knowledge but can you quench some doubts for me? Is he gonna grow old in the same time a human child would? That's a major concern of mine...and most importantly, am i making the right choice? Am i hurting Arvid more than helping him by keeping him with me? I live alone on the country side, there's a village nearby but I ain't exactly part of a community that can help me.

Thank you for the time,

- A very lost sort of giant's dad

Hello!

Dear me, what a tale. I would say to you that if you aren't comfortable with the responsibility then you should probably try to find him some surrogate parents. At the very least a giant who could find someone willing to adopt him (we may think giants are far away from one another but to them they're neighbours). By the time you are old, he will be bordering on being of age, possibly the younger side, but certainly old enough to be on his own. You are possibly looking at a decade's worth of childcare, a further one of preteen, and so on.

If you, and Arvid, decide that you shan't be parted from one another, you must set rules in place for him as soon as you can. Habits form early, and keeping a schedule with him will be beneficial. I would advise you to seek out those in the neighbouring village for aid, even if you aren't a part of the community. It sounds as if you are a farmer, and while some large helping hands would make light work, you would need a tutor for him considering the lack of free time. As he grows larger I expect he will keep your yeild plentiful enough to support himself as well as you, so I wouldn't worry about that for now. If you do find yourself in a bind, however, there are plenty of giants I am friends with that could lend a hand. You need only send me another letter.

Whatever your decision, I hope for nothing but happiness for you both!

Professor J Finch

[sharkchan12]

Sitcom au fanfic were Eyes, Moloch, Dexter, and Bob go do crazy stuff together

Fanfic Eyes, Moloch, Dexter, and Bob go to Walmart

Sitcom au

*intro plays with iconic music*

*it starts*

Eyes hasn't been fed yet so he's crying like a baby and it's starting to annoy everyone

Bob: We ran out of human sacrifices to feed

Dexter: "One isn't enough for him we need like at least 100 to keep him full"

Dexter said while covering his ears over the crying of Eyes

Moloch: "Well where the hell do we go to find that many people"

Bob: "I might know a place that has a lot of people in it"

Dexter and Moloch turn their heads towards Bob

Bob: "LETS GO TO WALMART, it has a lot of people, especially because it's a Sunday"

Moloch: "That's a stupid idea, everyone will run away from Eyes immediately after seeing him"

Bob: "Not if we give him a disguise"

Bob then proceeds to pull out baby clothes

Bob: "A cute baby will attract more people and therefore, more sacrifices"

Moloch: "I need a disguise too I can't just stay here all day"

Bob: "Don't worry I got you covered"

Bob then proceeds to pull out a pair of sunglasses and a Miley Cyrus T-shirt

Dexter: "Is that my shirt?"

*a laugh track plays*

Bob: "I'm not comfortable giving him my clothes so this is best I got"

Dexter: "Don't give that idiot my shirt, it wouldn't even fit him"

Moloch: "He does got a point though"

Bob: "Do you want to come with us or not?"

Moloch: "Fine fine"

Moloch puts on the Miley Cyrus T-shirt and sunglasses knowing it'll annoy Dexter for the rest of the day

Eyes starts to get excited over the thought of getting to eat more sacrifices

They all get in the car while Bob drives them to Walmart

Bob: "We're here!"

Dexter: "I'm not really comfortable doing the whole killing people thing so can I just stay in the car while you guys do your thing?"

Bob: "Well we're already here and we need more help with this so it's either that or we sacrifice you"

Dexter looked disappointed in that answer

*laugh track plays*

Dexter: "Sure, whatever"

The group gets into Walmart and Eyes is in a stroller. Once they get into the entrance they put Eyes in the cart

Bob: "I need to get some things, Dexter you take care of Eyes while I'm gone"

Dexter: "WHAT?! BUT YOU DIDN'T SAY-"

Before Dexter can complain as always Bob is gone and he is stuck with both Eyes and Moloch

Moloch isn't tall enough to be holding the cart :(

While they were walking three troubling kids noticed Moloch with his stupid ass Miley Cyrus T-shirt and decided to be little shits about it (well only one of them to be exact)

Roy: "OOOOOOOO LOOK WHAT WE HAVE HERE"

Ross: "Roy we're not doing this shit again"

Roy: "BUT LOOK WHAT HE'S WEARING"

Robert: "Come on man he looks old and he has no legs leave him alone"

Moloch started to take offense and tried to call for Eyes but Dexter left with Eyes already so boo hoo

Moloch thought "Fine I'll do this myself"

Before he can do anything he felt something behind him IT WAS ROY'S MOTHER

*crowd gasping sound effect plays*

Carmen: "REYNOLD WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO STRANGERS AGAIN"

Before anything serious happens we cut off to Dexter taking care of Eyes

Dexter was searching for random strangers until he heard

"I didn't know you had a kid" a familiar voice

It was Lila with her son Skid

Dexter: "OH UH HI MA'AM I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WOULD UH-"

Skid looks at Eyes and remembers the time he and Pump hung out with him

Skid- "I REMEMBER PLAYING WITH HIM HE'S MY FRIEND"

Lila: "Oh really, that's the kid you were talking about?"

Dexter was confused how this little boy can hang out with a creature like Eyes without being eaten

Eyes: "OH RIGHT I REMEMBER YOU, YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE LITTLE PILES OF FLESH"

Eyes said in his deep demonic voice

Lila was confused and concerned

Lila: "Oh wow…your son's voice is very… different…"

Lila said without trying to sound rude

Dexter: "OH HE'S NOT MINE IM JUST ummmm…BABYSITTING YEAH YEAH BABYSITTING"

*laugh track plays*

Dexter is very 50/50 if he should sacrifice Lila or not, he doesn't want to kill humans but he also needs to feed Eyes

So Dexter tries to make this conversation quick and just ends up looking like an awkward loser doing it

Lila: "Maybe you can try babysitting my son one day"

Dexter: "Well I am a very busy person so I don't think I can do that ma'am"

Lila: "Oh well it was nice talking to you Dexter"

Skid also said bye to his bestie as both Lila and Skid left. Dexter never felt more embarrassed until he heard crying from someone familiar…IS BOB CRYING?????

Bob is in front of the meat section, on his knees crying because of the animals that were killed for meat. There was also a bunch of candy wrappers all over the floor

Bob: "THESE POOR ANIMALS, THEY DON'T DESERVE THIS KIND OF TREATMENT"

Dexter: "YOU'RE NOT FUCKING SERIOUS"

Dexter said out loud in anger

Dexter: "YOU'VE BEEN SITTING HERE CRYING OVER MEAT INSTEAD OF HELPING"

Bob: "I would not stand for animal cruelty, you would never understand you Exterminator"

Dexter: "Animals don't have feelings unlike the humans you eat"

Bob: "HAVE YOU EVEN FED EYES YET"

Eyes started to get angry he hasn't been fed any sacrifices yet and started to also get mad at Dexter

Dexter: "FINE IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT, YOU TAKE HIM I COULDN'T HANDLE IT ANYWAY"

Before Dexter can leave there was a crowd of strangers around them hearing the argument he just had. Everyone started to judge Dexter while he walked away and went around Bob and his "child" to comfort them

Bob knew what to do and started to fake cry to in hopes maybe get more sympathy from more people

Bob: "That yellow suited son of a bitch was always so rude to me and our child, did you know that 37% of marriages end in divorce in the U.S"

Before things could get violent let's cut back to Moloch

Carmen was getting angry at Roy for wondering around again

Carmen: "Why are you even talking to this…thing anyway?"

Moloch now even more offended: "A THING?"

Carmen: "I mean you sure do look like one but I can't put my finger on it, but whatever"

Moloch then proceeds to smack her in the face with his big ass hands (he could've just killed her but whatever)

One of the hatzgang members then pulls out his phone to record this (to post this on vine or YouTube or whatever was popular in 2013)

Carmen didn't want to deal with this anymore

Carmen: "REYNOLD, WE'RE GOING HOME, AND I DON'T WANT YOU TALKING TO ANYMORE PEOPLE LIKE HIM AGAIN"

Before they walked away they heard a bunch of people screaming, Eyes finally got his meal

We then cut to the Walmart being destroyed and all non spooky month characters being killed

Eyes, Moloch, Dexter, and Bob are back in the car

Eyes: "Well that just happened"

*laugh track plays*

Bob: "How about we reward ourselves with some ice cream, EXCEPT DEXTER!"

Dexter: "I WAS GOING TO PAY FOR MY OWN ICE CREAM ANYWAY"

They drove to the ice cream store, got their Ice cream

They all sat down together laughing along (except Dexter) as the credits roll

*iconic outro music plays*

The End

[stormyoceans]

Sorry for ranting in your ask box idk if any of this will make sense but I've been thinking if jimmysea do get a series with jojo I really hope it's them as a standalone and not an ensemble. I don't hate other gmm actors (ik ppl want a hia gang drama tbh idrc about that) but seeing the mess during only friends, I don't want jimmysea being subjected to that same discourse especially when they've been bl fandoms punching bags before *war flashbacks of vvs era*.

Not to be confused with me fearing jimmysea will be overshadowed by others or their screentime will diminish when they can definitely hold their own but just for their protection from other fandoms (and for my sanity) I just don't want them in a ensemble but knowing jojo he loves a big ol' cast so we'll see.

i completely understand you on this, anon, we've truly been in the trenches with vice versa just fighting for our life begging people to at least be respectful to jimmysea in their own damn show that i feel like the moment we hear that someone - ANYONE - is gonna be in a show with them we immediately start to have flashbacks of war like you said and PANIC

and i get that only friends didn't really help to calm our worries because those few months were ROUGH. i feel like the only reason i was able to enjoy the show in any way is because i kept my opinions to myself and avoided getting too involved with it outside from reblogging some gifsets, which is kinda the opposite of what a fandom should be imho like. if i have to refrain from actively joining a particular fandom because im afraid the experience is gonna be so negative it will actually affect my personal enjoyment of the show, then that kinda defeats the point of fandom itself. but i digress ;;;;;;;

the thing is. i feel like discourse and disputes between fans can arise regardless of how big a cast is, and while im the first one to recognize i'd rather not have jimmysea share a show with certain actors not because of the actors themselves but because of a particular category of fans of said actors, i also wouldn't want to preclude them any possibility for growth. if that makes sense ;;;;;;

in the end despite all my worries and fears and personal preferences, the most important thing to me is that they're gonna have a new show together in the future. i'd definitely rather have them be the sole focus of it, but if it's gonna be an ensemble cast with multiple pairings then i will just hope for the best and focus all my energies on supporting jimmysea

IF WE GOT WHERE WE ARE WHEN IT WAS ONLY 50 OF US AND WITH THE MOST POPULAR FANDOM AT THE TIME AGAINST JIMMYSEA THEN BY GOD WE CAN WITHSTAND EVERYTHING AND COME OUT OF IT EVEN STRONGER THAN BEFORE

[bitletsanddrabbles]

Author Dilemmas

Last week of the month I'm due to release a chapter of SC the day before a routine medical procedure. I'll spare you the details of which one, it's not important. What is important is that, for the first time in my life, I will have to fast.

My largely food dependent butt is going to have to go with zero food for hours.

Setting my appointment for the second of my two days off was easy enough, so there's no danger of my passing out at work or going berserker ape shit on a customer for picking a piece of trash out of one shopping cart and throwing it into another shopping cart while standing right bloody next to one of the provided rubbish bins. So that's taken care of.

The problem now is what to do about Ao3 comments. I'm hoping that before the hunger hits Snickers bar commercial level, I'll just kinda...curl up in bed and pass out. And the rest will be easy. And I won't need to worry about responding to someone saying "I like this chapter" with either "The herring stalks at midnight" or "OH YEAH! WELL @)(#*@)($*#* YOU TOO!"

If I don't though...well, then things could potentially get tricky.

The easy solution to the problem is obviously "Stay away from Ao3 until the procedure is done and you've had food". The obvious problem with that easy solution is that I make bad decisions when I'm that hungry. It is not at all unlikely that food deprived me will talk myself into getting on and 'just checking for comments, I mean really, my fans are nice people, the empty stomach isn't affecting me that badly, what can go wrong?' and then disaster will strike. ...no, seriously, I do this crap all the time when I'm tired. The odds of doing it when I'm ravenous are at least 50%.

So we need a different solution. Not a 'fool proof' solution. A 'me making terrible decisions proof' solution.

...

God I hope I just curl up and go to sleep. I don't want to live through this.

...

ANYWAY!

I thought about posting the chapter a day early, before I'm fasting, but that doesn't help because people will still be commenting the next day. I thought about posting the chapter a day late, after the procedure, but I've never had a sedative before either, so I don't know if I'll actually wake up in time? And I don't particularly want to push it off until Thursday, although that would technically shorten the length of our 'off' week, so maybe people wouldn't mind that...? Especially if I warned them the week before things were going to be a day or two late?

I d'nno. What do people think?

[laf-outloud]

https://www.tumblr.com/laf-outloud/733852081367269376/httpswwwtumblrcomlaf-outloud7338145430521446

I’m confused by people being shocked that J2 might work together again.

I sort of get it if people don’t want to see Jared work with Jensen again (prequelgate and so on), or just specifically don’t want Jensen on Walker (AAs are a nightmare and no one wants them near any show), but I’m pretty surprised that people actually don't expect them to get back on screen together at some point. Or see it as some "that ship has long sailed" situation.

Both Jared and Jensen bring up doing an SPN revival on their own. They don’t just say, "sure" when people ask them about it. I get people thinking this is just fan service, but if a fan doesn’t bring it up first, they certainly don’t have to say something at just about every con. I think they truly do want to do at least a mini series or something. Whether they’ll get the go ahead for it is another story. Also, they've been getting more and move nostalgic lately at cons, and more and more like old-school J2 on stage. I know, cons are for show, but the quality of their interactions over the last few cons just feel more fond than they did (for the most part) last year, for example. They always have good chemistry, but it’s been especially good lately. Yes, they do lots of stuff that is "for show" but there is just a different feel when they seem like they are truly vibing.

As for Jensen on Walker. I’m 50/50 on whether it will happen. But, I certainly won’t be surprised if it does.

Still, Keegan’s photo (which is what has people worried, I guess) was taken during the Nov 5th weekend when hellers were celebrating their embarrassing meme scene and waiting for Jensen to maybe make a mention of it, so the pic of J2 could have been in response to that, just in a delayed post. A little reminder that Supernatural was about the brother (not Destiel). Or, maybe J2 are actually still good friends behind the scenes and Keegan just wanted a pic of them and their long hair. 🤷‍♀️

I just think the fandom in general does a lot of projecting, and I’m certain,y not immune to it either. Jared doesn’t ever want to work with Jensen again, and him saying he does is just fan service, but it’s never going to happen (projection). J2 are vibing exactly like old times and are clearly still besties who already have a whole Season 16 of SPN planned out (projection). Jared has moved on and never plans to look back at supernatural (projection). Jared and Jensen are happiest when working together and they’ll make it happen no matter what (projection). Anyway, my point with these examples is we don’t actually know how Jared (or Jensen) feels about doing an SPN revival or having Jensen on Walker besides them saying they are interested publicly at one point or another, but assuming they don’t/do want these things because we don’t /do want these things, could lead to some unpleasant realities down the line.

Just out of curiosity: Will you still tune in to Walker if Jensen does get a recurring role on it? And would you watch SPN reboot/revival if it happened?

You make a lot of good points! The photo could have been counteracting the Destiel thing... but I also think Keegan being a Sunday con attendee, and having worked with Jensen and Jared together, has only every really seen SPN as the show about brothers, so his caption doesn't surprise me.

And you're right, none of us know what J2's relationship is really like right now... and fans (myself included) certainly throw our preferences around, lol! Personally, I don't think their con behavior is back to what it was post-prequelgate/end of SPN, but we all see things differently.

As for your questions... I would probably still watch Walker if Jensen had a recurring role... but I wouldn't be as excited to live-tweet or reblog gifs/screengrabs from those episodes. In fact, I'd probably avoid social media altogether simply so I wouldn't have to see AAs (and frankly, Jensen) try to make the show all about him, while completely dismissing Jared (and the other cast member's) contributions. They may be delusional, but they have the power to ruin every fandom they enter.

An SPN reboot is a harder question, mostly because it would have to be the exact right set of circumstances (right producers, writers, time-frame, lack of extras, etc.) for me to even consider watching.

I think the only reboot that I'd be glad to watch with both Jensen and Jared would be the one they talked about a while ago... Lonesome Dove. It would be about 10 years down the road... certainly enough time (I would hope) for the SPN fandom to settle down, and would be a chance for J2 to work together again without all of SPN's baggage.

[cielpansyhive]

I haven't checked my stats on AO3 in a year or more. I know people rank things different ways. Some people go by hits, others kudos, some by comments, bookmarks, subscriptions, ect. You get the picture. Hits are tricky, I've heard of people getting hits by bots. Which throws everything off, you see 50 hits and zero kudos, like, "fuck, these people read and hated it?" Maybe, but also it could have been a bot. For me hits can be more discouraging than helpful. I go by everything other than hits. So, with that in mind, I want to talk about my most successful works. (This is in no way meant to be me boasting. I'm a small-time writer. My point is, if I can do it, YOU can do it.)

-

I believe my most popular work is Revamp, it has the most subscriptions and comments. It's the work I'm known for. It's a little on the lower end for kudos and bookmarks, but it's not finished. The very fic people know me for is also my first work. (Because of this I'm working on revising what I have before updating another chapter. No worries, it's not abandoned and never will be.) That said, I was terrified to post it originally. Not only was it my first but there were maybe ten other fics at the time with trans Ciel and that was it. I didn't know if there was a reason for that. Lack of interest? People getting hate? I was clueless. But I had a story to tell so I sucked it up and posted and I'm glad I did! I've talked to so many people and befriended some because of that fic. I take forever to update and people still get excited over it when I do update. It really means a lot! My life changed because of posting it and it gave me the courage to pursue writing and share my stuff.

My highest bookmarked and work with the 3rd most kudos is a smut one-shot (That Butler, Sensitive) that I was worried would be "too weird" for people. I know way more people who think hand kinks are weird than ones that are neutral or into it. It was another I was reluctant to post and bam people loved it. I'm still shocked by the feedback.

My highest kudo work, the first couple chapters were awful. They were quick little things I wrote for tumblr, I got enough feedback I decided to post them on AO3. Chapter 1 I wrote drunk, I'm not even joking. Did I have fun with it? Yes. Was it to my standard? Fuck no. I have since revised the first two chapters. The third chapter, Sebastian is so OOC, but once again I did have fun with it. The last chapter has figging, a kink I don't know anyone of really having...at least in my personal life. The work as a whole (Canon Divergent SebaCiel) is just fun debauchery. In the beginning it was difficult for me to post smut. It was difficult to write too, I'd get stuck in my own head. But if you write whatever thoughts flow out, it's so simple! Because I became more comfortable, I was able to write my second highest kudo work (Clathrus Archeri) that was inspired by a fungus. Yep, we get that freaky with it. My readers enjoy it, it's all good.

My fourth highest bookmarked and fifth highest kudo work (Relax) is one that I stated was "the worst smut I've ever written." It was extremely self-indulgent but at the same time I spent so long editing it that at the end I hated it. I thought in comparison to my other smut it was low level. It also had trans Ciel, so I'm glad one of my works with him made it in the top 5. Yet, I wouldn't have that had I not posted.

While most of my works are obviously Kuroshitsuji, I do have works for Voltron too. I have almost zero interactions with the Voltron fandom. I will reblog things and read (kudo, bookmark, subscribe), but besides comments on my own fics I haven't talked to anyone. A big part is that I'm shy. Another is that I'm too old for fandom drama, ship wars, and what have you. If someone wants to chat with me, I'm glad and I will talk, but I'm not putting myself out there. The same will go when I start posting Vanitas no Carte fics. I'm very ship and let ship and that will piss off some people. It's easier for people to approach me rather than me trying to figure out if someone will hate me for my ships or not. Okay, very long intro for my next point. My third highest subscribed work (Atlas Ocean Rescue) is for the Voltron fandom. They don't know me from anywhere, exception the kuro people that also like Voltron, but apparently my work has readers. This fic is super self-indulgent, I love mermen okay? I'd say overall my Voltron works aren't doing too bad considering I basically just post and run. As anxious as I get to post anything, posting for another fandom was really hard. There wasn't the pressure of people knowing my work, but there's the very real feeling of, "oh fuck, this could flop terribly." A few Voltron works have already surpassed my "worst" Kuro works...so success? I think so!

-

For anyone who read all my nonsense, you get a gold star. I hope you also noticed the patterns here. That is, write for yourself and your audience will find you. Don't censor yourself, be true to you and go with the flow, have fun! Write characters how you want to write and read them. Indulge in your kinks, I swear you aren't the only one that has them. Step out of your comfort zone every once and a while. If you post a fic and it flops, so what? It's not the end of the world. What if the fic you think will fail ends up being your best one? You'll never know what will happen unless you post it, it might surprise you. As your skills improve it's okay to go back and revise and edit. But don't let your skill level hold you back from posting in the first place, we all have to start somewhere. You can engage with fandoms as much or as little as you want. (I do encourage reblogs, kudos, bookmarks, ect.) But if you are too shy to talk or don't know anyone in a fandom, don't let that stop you from creating for that fandom. If you only have one work in you for a fandom, do it! If you have multiple? Do it! Rarepair? Go for it! Someone else will probably thank you for it! Vent writing? Dead dove? Extremely therapeutic for you and for others that are more so readers than writers. (Note writing dark stuff just for exploration and entertainment is fine too!! Horror is a well-loved genre for a reason. Fiction is fiction.) Bottom line: don't let you get in the way of yourself.

Will you get hate? You might, I won't lie. That said, people troll everything, any hate you get just shake it off. Odds are it's nothing personal or about your writing, it's they don't like the ship, or any AU, or the dynamics with smut, or the kink, or they're phobic, or if you write intense stuff it's too dark of content for them. If you tag things, it's on the reader if they ignore the tags or they purposely expose themselves to content they know will upset them. I highly recommend if you are concerned about hate, only let registered users leave comments. That's what I do with all my fics and I have had zero negative comments. People are less likely to leave nasty comments if they have to show their face, it's so much easier for them on anon. Some hate I've got on here (tumblr) could be from AO3, but I honestly think it's mostly just other tumblr users that have never read anything of mine.

I'm not as active as I once was on here. It's been years since I updated or posted a kuro work on AO3. I don't have the spoons (energy) to do as much one-on-one as I used to, but know I am cheering on all the creators, new and old. I am here if anyone needs some extra encouragement. But honestly, just write. Even on the off chance you're the only one that likes your work, you have at least one fan. If you don't write for yourself, then who are you writing for? I swear readers can tell the difference when you write something you're into verses something you think will be good, but you don't care about as much. Your best writing is the writing that YOU would read. Don't focus on what you think others will think. Your people will find you.

We all start as that person that's afraid to post our works, it's natural. Tackling that fear was one of the most difficult but best thing I've done for myself. If you want to post, do it! 💖💖💖

[misscammiedawn]

50 Days of HypnoKink - Day 11: Personality Play

Alignment: Is currently a forbidden practice and will get a red regardless of headspace.

CW: After the readmore cut I will be unloading why it is red for me. That'll be heavy/unfun stuff.

For the majority of my life this was my special move. This was the thing I was prized and prided for. In another world where I didn't stop doing it, I would likely teach the class. I'll talk about why I quit below the readmore. Let's talk about why I did it first.

Have you ever just let go.

Like really and truly let go? Let that voice that tells you that you need to wake up early fade to silence, let that hesitance you feel before jumping in the deep end just vanish; have you ever just stopped being present and let yourself become a vessel for something else?

That's what character play felt like for me when I indulged.

Complete freedom and reverie. The ability to just become what you have been asked to become. To let the fantasy engulf you and drown out everything surrounding. No memories. No thoughts. No worries. Just the moment. The scene and the fiction that is now your reality.

I have become so many things in my 15 years of playing within that pool. Angels and demons. Vampires and Fae. Mad Scientists and Mages. Belligerent cockney speaking drunks and cautious Midwestern catholic college kids.

What really gets me about this kind of play is how the sandbox is no longer a matter of hypnotist and hypnotee, but character (immersed) and character (in control). Sometimes the character (in control) can be replaced with hypnotist appearing and communicating as themselves. In fact a number of times character play for me has more been a summoning ritual rather than a scene.

But in the reverie of that channeling, and channeling is a good word for it in my experience, you completely lose reality and just forget your discomfort.

What's hot about it is that shyness gives way. Reservations are forgotten. I have found myself capable of such incredible things when I am under and channeling a character. Things I know I am simply incapable of doing outside of that space. Moments where if I were present in the scene I would have stumbled or tripped or my anxiety would have had me "yellow".

But without "myself" in the scene I do not trip over my own mind, I can just go into flow state and it simply becomes a matter of what the character would or wouldn't do and what they are capable of.

With a trusted partner who is able to handle the safeties for both parties, that can be intense. There's roleplaying a vampire who wants to pin their lover down and drain her dry as she grapples and fights for control and then there's being possessed by that same vampire and doing it for real, desperately trying to overpower her and get that which is not a simulated desire but a legitimate and terrifying need.

...and that is why it can easily become edge play. It's hard to keep the immersion and safeties at the same time. To play in this pool, at least for me, is to surrender all of my waking self's morality and agency and replace it with whatever we're working with.

...and that is why it's better if your partner is physically stronger than you and is both physically in control of the scene and psychologically in control of the scene, even if they are the submissive in the scenario.

It requires a lot of trust to be able to let yourself go that far. I look back on those memories (sometimes nightmares) and have no idea how I kept myself from breaking the immersion of the moment.

But that's the power of the tool and the applications are universal.

Real life hypnotic powers like entrancing eyes? That'll work. Telekinetic abilities? That'll work.

I have been told that I am even "smarter" when I play genius characters, but I do not even begin to understand how that is possible. I assume it's an empty compliment.

It's a level of roleplay fantasy and immersion that bleeds so perfectly and purely that it basically takes all of the best parts of roleplay and guided imagery and puts them in a blender.

I was addicted to this stuff for a third of my life.

I don't want to sell the concept too heavy though because a lot of what I did and how I did it was wrong. It's a source of great regret for me.

But I recognize why I enjoyed it when I did and wanted to give it an entry. More on the darker side of that coin after the readmore...

---

Day 10: Trance Edging

FULL SCHEDULE MASTER POST

Day 12: Hypnotic Kisses

Readmore for the rest of today's entry...

There's a 1960s musical which was adapted into a movie starring Barbara Streisand called On A Clear Day You Can See Forever.

The plot details a hypnotist who discovers one of his clients becomes a seductive woman from a past life and as the show goes on the hypnotist falls for the past-life version of the client and the client falls for the doctor. The show/movie ends with the client finding out and leaving because she has more self-respect than to be a "motel between you and your dream girl."

In the late 2000s. That was me.

Let's skip the early 2000s. Prior to finding hypnosis, character roleplay and I were already developing this kind of a relationship. Camden had been born as a longing in my heart and I was presenting as her in some places. In the early days there was a divide. I was not ready to accept myself and so I kept the girl I knew myself to be distant from the man I had to be to survive.

Camden got attention. She was desired. Too much, in fact... to the point of which someone in a position of authority, who I trusted, crossed some serious boundaries...

All you need to know about the early days is I dove in to fiction and online communities and got noticed for it. Eventually by friends in the hypnosis community.

Miss Dawn is a lingering remnant of that time in my life. Back then her name was Sapphire and she was everything I was not. Strong, bold, seductive, hypnotic--

--a woman.

"What do I have that I don't have" indeed...

I mostly presented male back then. I used to say I have a flexible gender. But especially with the transphobic climate of the time I admitted myself to being "biologically male", because everything felt so hostile back then and I was terrified of catfishing. Even the good resources of the time warned people to confirm birth gender before play. So I never lied.

Well. I did. I very much lied. But I decided to lie to myself instead.

So I presented as Camden but made it clear I was not in fact Camden. Is it a wonder I have identity issues when that was my life for half of it. I started presenting as Camden in 2001 and came out as transgender in 2020.

So of course I was enticed by a type of hypnosis that was designed to draw out Camden. Make me become her. Character Play, I called it. Just go deep and bring Camden to the forefront. I got gender euphoria and to be who I was without feeling I was lying and my hypnotist got to have a woman.

I have no idea how much they assumed I was roleplaying. But to me, it was real.

...but Camden wasn't the only thing in my heart... In fact, throughout my entire life I have always felt that people never cared about Camden as a concept. She was just a damaged girl who was fighting her repression and gender confusion. She wasn't exotic or exciting.

The others though?

What we now refer to as Miss Dawn or Sapphire as she was known then, was a place for all my sexual repression (including my hypnokink which I was ashamed of for the time) to be stored. I always thought of myself as 100% a sub. But I could play a convincing domme on TV. I read enough books. I just didn't possess the spark or the drive or the desire to actually want to do anything with the skills I was acquiring.

Sapphire did though. She didn't just possess the spark. She was the spark.

3 hypnotists from my past found her and drew her from my soul and had relationships with her. Sometimes they drew upon different characters from my litany of fiction, both roleplay and prose. I slid into the roles required easily, but the same. Back then I didn't want to be me, so I raced towards ego-death and became anything, anyone else.

Although Sapphire is the name I most identified that part of me with in that period of my life, she had several more. She was a spirit, an attitude, a confidence, a power. She is every character I became in some small way, but where the other characters felt like roles and skins, Sapphire in her entirety just felt like her; what the spirit would call herself. Just as Dawn feels like the right name and visualization now and Honoria was the form she felt most at home with in the 2010s. Regardless of skin, voice, backstory. It was the same basic set-up. She was the version of me capable of performing hypnosis. Being seductive. Being forceful. Romantic. Loquacious. Bold. Mysterious.

...she was capable of having sex...

At the time I was gender repressed and felt myself a "worthless" "male" submissive in an ecosystem where they didn't really stand out. Sapphire gave me a reason to be hypnotized. A reason someone so powerful and capable would waste their time on a guy who didn't enjoy sex.

The fact that my entire found family discovered me during that period of my life and kept me close is proof that I was wrong then, but I believed it and that's the important part.

My first major hypnotist used to tell people about me. In 2012 I got an IM from someone who "Master" had been bragging about me with, desperately asking to share my secret

Other Person: So Master's mentioned you to me before. He basically described you as the man with a thousand personalities, lol. Other Person: (my wording, not his, lol) 2012 me: o.o; a thousand personalities? Other Person: That's my silly descriptor. 2012 me: OH! He means "characters" XD Other Person: He said it as characters, but the way he described it, sounded like they were fully fledge 'personalities' in their own right Other Person: *fledged 2012 me: Wow. That's kind of an honor. 2012 me: He does often mould me in to who he needs me to be.

I guess the secret is "have a fucked up brain from complex PTSD and/or an undiagnosed dissociative disorder" I'd learn that a decade later.

Soon enough between "Master", my ex and the other hypnotist who worked with me in the mid-2000s that became all I was worth. Just a portal to other people.

Add in my obsession with tabletop RPGs at the time and I spent a very decent portion of my life actively avoiding being myself and finding that everyone preferred it that way. Particularly as my allosexual partner who got a huge benefit out of that deal.

I hurt people I loved deeply because I had difficulty keeping those lines and boundaries clean and clear. Ruined really good things because of it and I made it so that even in my own home I always felt like I was a vessel where the people that my loved ones actually loved could be accessed from.

I'd never accuse them of that. It was just my feeling, my fear and my baggage.

And this is why that kind of play is RED for me right now.

I am capable of it. Likely I could dive right back in that water today and be the hypnokink community's number one expert on it.

For 15 years I spent anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours per day hypnotized into being another person. I am disturbingly good at it.

But I can't go back to it. I need to be me for a while.

...let's ignore the fact that despite me trying to repress those aspects of myself, they endure on through mood shifts and facets...

Then you have the nightmares. To this day I still wake up feeling like I assaulted my former partner because intrusive memories filter through my hypnotic amnesia and psychological walls and remind me that there were moments in our play where I was trying to hurt her.

Granted, I wasn't me and my memories are distorted by the fiction of the spell I was under.

But vampire businessman or not, the human body that I live in was trying to overpower the woman that it was married to and cause them harm and the character being channeled DESIRED that outcome.

It's a weird situation where I have to remind myself the reality of the situation is that the one in control was below me and had the ability to stop the scene at any point. Technically I was the powerless one in that scenario and I was so addicted to not being present in the scene and incapable of accepting that I was involved in those activities that I abdicated my agency... and not in the sexy way.

That was fucked up. I just didn't see it for what it was at the time and I regret that. Especially because my former partner did not deserve to bear the weight of my irresponsible behavior. I hope that I never did her any harm. I take solace in knowing she has the blessing of always having reality in those situations. Any memories that bleed through for me are painted by the fiction that they were dressed in and that's... scary.

I don't like thinking I am capable of those things. That those horrible bastards are in my heart.

Even to this day I have no idea what kind of damage I did to myself and it haunts me to know it was all willingly and eagerly.

---

Day 10: Trance Edging

FULL SCHEDULE MASTER POST

Day 12: Hypnotic Kisses

[prettyboi14]

Imma vent for a bit so um, yeah, I'm gonna use this post as my safe space rn 😭

It's hard to describe just how lonely I've been the last few days/weeks/months. Time has been going so so slow yet so fast at the same time. 2 months ago, a whole 2 months ago, the last two or 3 days of August, I lost all of my friends. And I mean, all of them. Even my best friends of 3 years. And a guy who I actually loved, a lot, told me to kill my self. This guy was one who had been with me when I was very much struggling. He helped me through what I assumed was something similar to a panic/anxiety attack, he had similar mental health to me so we bonded a lot over that. So for him to tell me to kill my self, meant a whole lot more then if it would have been anyone else. I think about that everyday and it's been probably 2 months since that happened. I can't get it out of my head. I keep seeing that text message in my head and I genuinely don't know how much longer I can deal with it. I loved all of my friends so much. And I hate that that hate me and that I hurt them. Those friends helped me find myself, they watched me grow up and find myself, and I watched them grow up too. I know friends grow apart, but it still hurts.

Along with that. I haven't told anyone this, because I just haven't. I've wanted to tell my bf but I haven't really spoke to him since it happened and it's not something you would usually say over text. I didn't tell my old ana coach when it happened and I told him actually everything. It happened multiple weeks ago, but I've thought about it pretty much everyday since. To explain, I was at this thing with my mom, it was like outside, and there was booths for like selling stuff and shit. My mom was on one side of the booth thing we were at, and I was at the other, she wasn't really paying attention to me, and I was just like looking at the things at the booth, it was a candle booth. I was standing pretty close to the table as to not like block the way. however, a pretty old guy, like if I had to guess, like 50+, on the heavier side too, walked up behind me, put his hands on my shoulders, and then in my waist/hips, and squeezed them as he slid behind me. But here's the thing, there was plenty of space to walk behind me, like, there was at least like 4+ feet behind me for him to walk. I was super uncomfortable and weirded out when it happened, when I mentioned it to my mom, she just brushed it off, like she usually does, so she doesn't really know what happened, she just knows, someone else grabbed my shoulders as I didn't get much further into saying it before she started talking. The entire day, I was uncomfortable. And It was like I could still feel his hands on my waist and shoulders. It still feels like i can. I thought I'd get over it that day, but clearly I haven't. I keep thinking of it, it keeps like replaying. I keep feeling his hands. I know it's like, nothing, but I hate it. I want to forget it.

This year has been a complete hell hole. I want out.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm constantly trying to dig myself out of the hole yet end up just breaking the tension of the dirt and making more fall. I feel like I'm buried underground in a coffin and I'm just wasting my air and energy banging and yelling for help. I'm tired. As much as I don't want to go on, I know I have to, I can't leave my bf. Plus, I promised myself i wouldn't die a virgin. I've kept that promise this long, I can keep it longer.

I've stopped trying to live though. I don't care about living. Even if I were to try, I still wouldn't be living, or alive. I might not be dead, but that doesn't necessarily make someone alive. I know it's gotten way worse then I probably think it is. I've mentioned it before, but it's gotten to the point where even my mom is worried. And she doesn't notice shit.

I picked up my floor for the first time in 2 months. It didn't make me feel better. It just reminded me of when I had my friends. Last time I had a clean room, I had friends, who I loved. And I was blissfully unaware that my [now ex] bf was a complete difference person and was lying to me.

I want my life back.

I could say a whole lot more, but this is already a lot longer then I planned.

[whorrorgrl]

What I Watched In May

I have been gone for a long, long long, time. It's mostly because of my job, but also because of my lack of motivation in writing. I have a lot of ideas, but not really much time to write them. I

I watched a lot of things since February, things that I want to have their own individual posts, and others I forgot. Most of them are rewatches. I got HBO and was just playing Friends as white noise maybe 5-6 times (all. ten. damn seasons.). I'm not going to beat myself much about it or it'll feel like a chore, so I'm going slow. I want to upload my ideas soon though.

Anyway, here's what I watched for the month of May.

Lovecraft Country (2020)

After the disappearance of his father, Atticus "Tic" Freeman, his paternal uncle George, and childhood friend Letita "Leti" Lewis travel across segregated United States in the 1950's in search for answers. This trip kickstarts Tic into a world seemingly unreal as they fight against supernatural forces of evil and ones at their very door.

After the recent allegations against Jonathan Mayers, I was hesitant to watch this show. I knew him from that Antman movie, nothing much else. I thought he was a promising actor; decent. It’s disappointing he turned out to be an alleged awful human being. After watching Lovecraft Country, it’s an even bigger tragedy. This show is a whirlwind. Spoilers ahead.

I adore horror in show formatting. I believe it allows a plot to be properly fleshed out. But! That also means more of a dedication. That has to be the only excuse I have for not getting around to this masterpiece sooner. At only ten (10) episodes, Lovecraft Country is worth the binge.

I can easily watch certain movies and shows that others would find too hard to handle. One part I struggle with is suspense. I swear I feel it in the air and my lungs pump thick with it. But I get through it in one piece. Depending on how hard it hit me, I might not rewatch it again. After finishing LC, I think the ease at which I can watch certain movies/shows is accredited to it feeling outside of the realm of my own reality, or at least shit I wouldn't be caught dead doing.

I found it very uncomfortable to watch.

I almost didn't want to finish it.

On top of dealing with sharp teeth blob creatures, our characters have to take on the worst horror of all: racism in the 50's. Evil, pink skinned, sweaty and entitled white people make it their mission to harass and brutalize black bodies for simply existing. Worse, some wielded powers.

Horror movies are notoriously white. Even some of my favorites are all white casts with maybe an Asian or black character that gets killed off. They're usually slashers, demonic possessions, or ghosts walking in and out of frames. I'm used to that. Any underlying issues the characters battle are usually standard. In Evil Dead (2013), the main character dealt with addiction and those around her struggled keeping her focused this go-around at sobriety. In The Witch, Thomason had to assimilate to new life after being casted out by her previous community. In I See You (2019), the couple treads the aftermath of an affair - so on and so forth. The A plot is usually horrifying (messing with a spell that releases a demon, witches bordering on the edge of the forrest, or a bunch of new kids disappearing years after a case is seemingly closed) while the B plot is more grounded. I get that. But when I tell you, monsters and prophecies about magic is the least of Leti (Jurnee Smollet) and Atticus's (Jonathan Mayers) worries, I mean it. I'd prefer it. The worst scene was the very first episode where they're stuck in a sundown town with seven minutes til and have to drive 25 miles the speed limit with only seconds to spare or a shitty cop would murder them. I paused that scene countless times. The riots were another. The diner scene got me good.

Racism is just ugly. As more and more documentation reaches the mass through social media, what really happened during slavery and Jim Crow is more horrifying than the popular teachings of history in schools or dramatization in Hollywood tells. I despise this type of plot and try to avoid it. I don’t watch slave movies. The ones that I have were torture. I liked Django, but mainly because it barely had Jamie Fox suffering and actually showed him being a bad ass. I found out they wanted to do a movie on Emmett Till after the success of Central Park Five’s retelling, which was so alarming. It’s now money driven, these stories. It seems that's the only black stories Hollywood thinks is profitable. Them TV series (2021), Karen (2021), etc, are recent movies that popped up after the success of Jordan Peele debut movie. Get Out (2017) did it well. Its sons? Not so much.

That’s why I liked Little Monsters (2018), Us (2019), or my childhood favorite Haunted Mansion (2001), because they are horror movies with black lead that isn't full on KKK torture porn. Once Jordan Peele did his thing with Get Out, these studios are slowly falling into a box. Even Peele's future works like Nope and Us were speculated on being political pieces. It's only when they were first release did people realize he can create black horror without the traumas of racism. Even in the new Little Mermaid movie with Halle Bailey, there's a discourse about Ariel needing to be a slave to be historically accurate. A mermaid that got her legs from the witchcraft of a squid needs to be historically accurate. Her dad's cape is made of fish! I don't think anything is accurate in any dimension.

(Huffs) Anyway, Lovecraft.

I'd still recommend in a heart beat. So amazing. I cannot give it enough praise. The music choice was a little random and ill-fitting, some of the spoken words were excessive and didn't hit with the scenes they overlaid, and (love Jurnee but) Leti, another of many light skin love interest, was an annoying casting. Ji-Ah's storyline ending was okayish - I expected a little more since it was one of the best plots of the many packed into this show. But other than that, A in my books. I'll have to rewatch it again with my boyfriend, so I hope those painful scenes go down better the second time around. That scene with the two girls following Diana around was horrifuckingfying. It reminded me of Peele's 2022 Nope with the kids in the barnyard. Their eyes, especially in the alley when Dee waited to follow the cops, was chef's kiss. One thing I will also add is Montrose's sexuality not going down the path I thought it would. We're so used to some public, traumatizing rejection of a closeted man's sexuality to his partner and we didn't get that. It didn't end satisfactory for me since we don't know what's next for him and his partner, so it felt a little throw-away. I truly find it ironic that our characters faced racism, hated being treated as below human, yet discriminated against those within the black community that were gay, etc. It wasn't talked about much between "Tic" and Montrose enough for me and kind of seemed glossed over in order to incorporate other storylines.That's a thing with ten episode shows as opposed to 24, but not a big deal.

9/10.

2. I See You (2019)

After the abduction of a 10 year old boy, a detective and his family experience strange occurrences in their home that may or may not be related.

Weird things begin to happen in the family's home that is later explained. I kind of assumed who the abductor/killer was simply based on the small amount of characters we're introduced to, so process of elimination was short. There are three big plot twists in this movie: who the boy-abductor is of course, who killed a certain mister, and why mysterious things seem to happen under Detective Greg's Harper's roof. All were equally as shocking as the last. Some things were weird, like the green pocket knives and why those specifically. Also, why the killer would just...have a bag of them in his car where those closest to him had access to? I liked the way all the stories came together and how they perfectly made sense and answered certain behaviors characters had. For example, Alec's obsession with taunting the family and going against the rules of "phrogging." I thought he was just a jealous, sadistic street rat that hated the life the Harper's son had since the boy seemed to be the main focus. When it all came together, by then it made sense what he was doing, but still an amazing shock. Random but the story telling reminds me of A Place Beyond The Pines (2012). The interludes (that seem unrelated) between stories is a storytelling I'm now realizing I really love.

9/10.

3. The Night House (2023)

The Night House is everything Smile (2023) thought it was. If you've read my previous review on Smile, you know I do not like that movie. If it had been released in the early 00's, I would've felt a little differently, but considering it's an overplayed formula that I already loved, grew accustomed to, and now only nostalgia could draw me to it, Smile just wasn't it for me. The Night House, however, is!

Beth (played by Rebecca Hall) is dealing with the death of her late-husband who recently committed suicide, leaving her alone in her lakeside home. We witness as she reels from the tragedy in ways that leave her friends uncomfortable, concerned, and out of their element on how to console. Certain things begin to happen around the home that makes her believe there is more to her husband's death. She feels there is a presence that could be her husband haunting her and her dreams seem to blur the lines between reality and something dark that parallels. As she does more research, we’re lead to believe that her husband might’ve cheated on her when she finds multiple pictures in his electronics of women who look weirdly similar to her. When I watched the trailer, I assumed there was this mirrored house across the lake in another dimension. A second her, a second husband. Maybe hers really died but that mirrored husband lives on. In the same house. With a double her. It’s what hooked me to it.

She just has such good people around her. Claire (played by Sarah Goldberg), her neighbor Mel, and even her husband all have this woman's best interest in mind and it's really refreshing to see that those around her did what they could to help her. And you might say, her cheating husband had good intensions? Listen, listen!

You see, years ago, Beth had died for four minutes in a car accident. While others claim to see many things, Beth saw nothing. However this nothing is an entire intelligence that wants her back.

Nothing isn't over the four-minute stand he had with Beth, haunting her husband, Owen, into killing her to get her back to Nothing. Owen instead creates a reverse home by the lake, luring Beth look-alikes back to the home to trick Nothing into thinking Beth died.

This confused me a little, because I'm assuming Nothing is a lot smarter than assuming a look-alike is the Beth. Doesn't it have blood sample? A better, soul-based verification? Clearly not. It realized Owen's tricks and that lead to his "suicide." In the end, Beth is almost convinced to take her life until Claire and Mel save her in time. I believe Nothing is a metaphor of “stopping the pain.” It’s the promise of an end to the torment, the depression, the dull and excruciating task of living in misery. I just really loved it and am glad I got recommended it by TikTok.

8/10

4. Scream 6

Y'all, I don't think I can stop loving this franchise.

In an effort to not be seen as a hypocrite since, if I remember correctly, I was pretty tepid with my review on Scream V, BUT! But! This one has rejuvinated the small, itty-bitty hope I had in this franchise. 'Cause that's what she is; my baby's a franchise.

I don't know why I don't like Sydney Prescott. It's not that I hate her, but you gotta admit she's overstayed her welcome. This is why I was happy Ms Never Wanna Die was not in Scream 6. It makes so much sense, this show. It's a repeat, one I hope they don't continue, but Scream 5 is technically just "Scream," just like the first movie from 1996. The boyfriend was the killer in the original, so it's cool that the boyfriend's the killer in Scream (2022). In Scream 2 (1997), the killer's family comes back to blame Sydney Prescott for their piss-poor parenting. So In Scream 6 (2023), it's now a realized pattern that they're intentional by making the killers Richie's dad and siblings - one serial killer is bad enough, but the entire family is fucked. Hopefully in Scream 7, this isn't the same because that'd only mean the off screen Carpenter mother had some random love child with Adolf Hitler and that kid felt left out of the already dysfunctional family of the sisters.

Or it's Tara. But that's wishful thinking.

I loved loved loved loved LOVED it. The opening scene of the Jaime King kin member Samara Weaving dying was fantastic. We get to see a Ghostface reveal in the first few minutes, which is a first of the movies and so refreshing. It made me excited when I assumed we'd know one of the identities and how they'd incorporate that into the story. However, when said Ghostface heads home just to be killed by another, it blew my mind. "Who gives a fuck about the movies?!" Plus that angle? Y'all I was in heaven! I truly do not think I will EVER get tired of these movies and it's really sad. This is my Fast and Furious. This is my James Bond, my Star Wars franchise, my Days of Our Lives, My Greys Anatomy...I hope it never ends and if it does, what would life be? Bleak, I think.

I have to admit there are a few logistical issues. Like, why Kirby didn't do extensive research into Wayne Bailey the second she hopped onto the case for a "helping hand." Matter of fact, how was he even transferred to NY without a background search and the discovery of a link between Richie? Given Kirby's past and how no one in these situations can be trusted, why hadn't she done this? How had Bailey been able to bribe that many criminal evidence from the one police station without anyone finding out? Are there no inventories? Not many big cases seem to happen in that town, so I feel like the top four big cases of Ghostface would've been noticed gone. How did her therapist not know who she was since she's practically infamous, and what was his purpose in the story? I know it's to build up the many cases of defamation against Sammy but it was pretty weak. To be quite honest, a final girl like Kirby should've been handled with better care. I kind of felt like she was there for a legacy token coin and a misdirection that I'll admit got me. Other than that, pretty good.

I think these movies will be better than most being sputtered out today because of the pressure these writers have not to fuck up Wes Craven's work. A good idea would've been all the costumes on Halloween night paying tribute to Craven's many movies, but they are dated so I understand. Would've been cool though.

10/10 shit

5. The Lighthouse

I don't want to be that girl. I already stated how I am when it comes to slow burns, but I tolerate elevated horror. Tara Carpenter is rolling her eyes, but she has a stab wound to heal from so priorities. I clicked on this one and just watched it quickly before I talked myself out of it.

I like it.

I think.

Seeing Willem Dafoe being walked like a dog was an interesting scene.

Seeing a mermaid pussy was also one for the books.

The Lighthouse was directed by Robert Eggers, who we all know from The Witch. He's an amazing director and clearly has a niche for period pieces. I don't know how to properly review this since I still do not know what the fuck I watched - Watch Mojo couldn't even help me. It's based on a Greek mythology and is about wanting something you cannot have. One of the references was Icarus, who died after flying too closely to the sun despite his father's warning. Proteus, a sea god that controlled the changes of oceanic bodies of water was also mentioned. Thomas Wake (played by Willem Dafoe) warned "Ephraim Winslow" of not killing seagulls to avoid bad luck, who were believed to be reincarnated sailers. However, out of frustration of one getting in the cistern, he kills a seagull, and all goes downhill from there. Since the beginning, the demands of being a lighthouse keeper proved to be demanding for Winslow:doing menial, disgusting, or laborious jobs around the rock the lighthouse resided on. What follows is Winslow's slow turn into madness, hysteria, and greed.

The part on sailers being reincarnated into seagulls was so interesting. The one-eyed seagull attacking him multiple times correlates to the previous "wickie" under Wake who had only one eye, the other seemingly singed in. Time going by differently for Winslow when he missed the lighthouse tender because of the storm. In the end, when Wake is murdered by Winslow and Winslow finally gets to ascend to the lighthouse, a growing curiosity of his since Wake never allowed him up there but himself, it reminded me of Icarus. Getting too close to the sun. He is then seen, one eyed, laying on the rocks as seagulls pick at his intestines.

I can dissect some parts of this movie, but that's it. It was an interesting watch. If I rewatch it again, I hope to discover things I missed. Hopefully next time I'll have subtitles.

6. Bodies, Bodies, Bodies! (2023)

Directed by Halina Reijn, this movies follows a group of young adults who get stuck in a remote mansion during a hurricane. When one stumbles up dead, this kick-starts a night of horrors as the group is picked off one by one by a mysterious killer.

This movie is so funny. I knew it would be fun to watch since majority of the scenes were Tiktok sounds, my favorite being the upper middle class one. There's nothing really revolutionary to talk about during the entire movie. Majority of the drama are things that happened off screen since the movie starts when Sophie shows up on the last day of an already existing hangout. It was still good, just a little annoying when they spoke on drama between a random guy name Max and Emma. Everything else was fine and easy to follow along with. This is the friend group where everyone hates each other and probably just tolerates each other just because they grew up together. It's also a really fun and tasteful jab at our generation's internet culture and the obsessive need to find victimhood. I mention victimhood because the ending is so ridiculous and unavoidable that it's crazy. David (played by Pete Davidson) is threatened by the geriatric Greg (played by Lee Pace), a “vet" that is hanging out with a bunch of 20-somethings at his gargantuan age. Greg used a machete to cut open a bottle of champagne, which all the girls fawn over. This annoys David, who is threatened by a new man in the group and it shows. After leaving a game of heated Bodies, Bodies, Bodies between David and Greg, David goes on Tiktok to try and replicate the champagne trick, slicing his neck open in the process. He stumbles up to the house with an open neck, freaking out the girls, and making Greg suspect number one. After the most nauseating misunderstandings happen between Greg and the girls, he is killed by Bee, Sophie's new two-finger warmer, with a kettlebell. These girls went through a night of hell, accidentally killing each other off or turning against one another as preexisting tensions comes to light.

There is no killer.

I was watching this trying to do my process of elimination and coming up empty. I thought, if it's this fucking off-scene dude, Max, I will throw a fit. This cannot be Pretty Little Liar's season finale where they introduce the culprit as someone we never saw. Max was at least mentioned but still.

It was just so ridiculous in a good way. Sophie annoyed me. She didn't stand up to them kicking Bee out or the fight with Bee and Jordan. Plus, she was cheating on sweet Bee. What country is that girl from? Who knows. Aside from being a foreign girl from an unnamed country, she is the outside of the group or long term friends so they quickly turn against each other. Plus Sophie was a romantic two-timer, which raised even more tension for third party Jordan. This movie was so ridiculous that I loved it. I just keep repeating, “He’s a Libra Moon! He wouldn’t do this!”

What I really want to know is what was on that phone of Sophie's?

8/10

7. His House (2020)

Wunmi Mosaku twice in one month? I'm not complaining.

Rial and Bol are refugees who make a harrowing escape from war-torn South Sudan. However, they get more than they bargained for with their new home.

His House is…. a trip. Directed by Remi Reeks, it stars Mosaku and Sope Dirisu who move into a home after seeking asylum in England. They’re on a trial base stay where they’re placed under strict restrictions they have to abide by or else face deportation. Bol is excited to start his new life in England and assimilates quickly to their customs. He opts to eat on a table as opposed to the floor, uses utensils instead of his hands, and buys western clothing. In a later scene, he even tries to stop Rial from speaking dinka, their mother language. He attempts to be friendly with the neighbors, especially this one white woman above him, but is met with hostility. Rial, however, is less willing to assimilate to British culture and keeps her Sudanese customs, much to Bol’s dislike. I first assumed it was because everything seemed trivial after all the couple endured. On their way to England on a small fisher boat, majority of the people they were with died, including their daughter, Nyagak. But on Rial’s first trip to the doctors, she tells a physician that growing up in Sudan, two warring gang would mark themselves distinctively to whichever group they belonged to. Rial marked herself with both, signifying that she belonged nowhere. She’s used to being an outsider, so trying to fit into a country that expects her to be happy with “unseasoned scraps” is not a priority for her. Being “one of the good ones.”

The depiction of racism in this movie is so similar to how I hear it’s handled in England: it night as well not exist.

You know what they mean when they say certain things, do certain things, and treat you a certain way. Unlike the United States, racism in England is so covert that they themselves will deny ever having this problem. It’s kind of like that parent (England) traumatizing their child (United States) and then are shocked when the child goes on to live a more volatile life. Where is the origin of this madness? How did it get this bad? Not a clue.

I read Reni Eddo-Lodge’s book on Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race. The very first paragraph spoke on British’s hidden racist history. They learned about American history with racism, yet not their own, so people will swear up and down it’s not a thing.

But the racial undertones are just that in this movie, undertones. It isn’t on equal grounds as Lovecraft Country when it comes to the most impeding issue Bol and Rial will have to face. An apeth, a night witch, haunts the home, tormenting the couple so that a “debt” is paid.

The horror elements were amazing. I love this new turn in supernatural movies, especially when it comes to hauntings. Lingering shots, horrifying visuals that are so vivid, and those ghosts that sneak up on you out of frame. Is this an elevated horror? If so, it’s what The Babadook was for others but for me. I really don’t like the Babadook, but that was years ago. If I have time to waste, I’ll rewatch it and see how I like it.

Now to the spoilers. The twist was a twist for sure. On my second rewatching, it was a completely different experience because it’s so obvious yet so not what was really happening. This apeth that keeps haunting them calls Bol a thief and he seems to be the primary focus of the entity. Rial tells a story of a man that was poor and wanted a home, just like Bol, who stole from another man that he didn’t know was a night witch. He got his home and the apeth moved in with him, haunting and tormenting the man. I sat to wonder, what did Bol steal? Why isn’t this life his to have? I assumed he was a member of one of the gang that must’ve changed his mind on murdering and wanted to seek refuge. Did he kill someone to get the opportunity?

Girl no.

He stole Nyagak, his “daughter.” After Rial survives a massacre of her friends and Bol goes to find her, they escape with other people seeking refuge. They happen upon a bus that’s only loading people with children. As people fight to be let on, the bus lead refuses single people. As the gang shoots in a distance, Bol sees a child separated from her parent and grabs her, lying to the bus head and giving Rial and Bol a seat to freedom. Nyagak ends up dying on the boat, which starts the chain of a apeth following then to whichever home they get.

It’s funny when they get to the house and Mark greets them. The house is bigger than those afforded to refugees. Rial asks why they got such a big house and Mark states, “Must’ve won the jackpot.”

I really liked this movie and, unlike most elevated horrors, it has a good rewatch quality to it. I’d highly recommend it.

One random realization is that Brits are amazing actors. I realize this when I watched Fish Tank (2009). It’s just so realistic and so natural. One scene where Rial sees three black boys playing. She gets a sense of relief seeing them and goes to ask them for directions. They’re assholes and even tell her to go back to Africa, mocking her mother language and pronunciation. They were just so realistic and so natural. Even the most random actors with small roles are so good, I don’t know. Those acting coaches there are something else.

Lastly, Netflix, I need everything translated. I don’t care how insignificant it is, translate that shit! [Speaking in Dinka] motherfuckers. Tsk!

10/10

8. Swarm (2023)

An obsessed, Houston-base fan goes to increasingly violent lengths for her favorite R&B singer amid a death.

This one is hilarious. Why? Because I am a Beyonce fan. I even have her tatted on me, no joke. With that said, I know the Hive can be an interesting fandom. Does it rival Nicki Minaj's? Closely. Does it Chris Brown's? Crack always prevails, so no.

I do not like Donald Glover, nor his portrayal of black women. When it comes to Dre, a mentally ill black woman, he describes her as he would a rabid dog and directed Dominique Fishback as such. Instead of allowing Swarm to be a depiction - of sorts - of mental illness of a black woman taking form in murderous ways funneled through a shared interest between her and her late sister Marissa, we get this. The links between Beyonce I think was a good touch because it's funny and kinda true. The soul of the movie and its intentions I'll save for another day.

Fishback is amazing and my first time with her. Billie Eilish as Eva was jaw dropping. But best of all, Rickey Thompson as Kenny just trying to do his job was hilarious. I wanted to watch him over and over again and I hope it's a start to an amazing acting career.

The question I have with this show is, did Dre kill Marissa? I believe so. At first, I didn't. Marissa had a history of depression and seemed co-dependent so I'd assumed she killed herself from the breakup. But as I watched more reviewers who pointed out things I hadn't noticed, it seems more plausible.

I don't think Dre's murderous rampage is just because she loves Ni'Jah. The R&B singer was something Dre and Marissa shared together. She was this successful woman that inspired the girls, especially Marissa who wanted to be a popular makeup artist. She had Youtube videos of makeup tutorials and dreamed of being big. When she died, Dre (who might've been the one to take that life) saw Ni'Jah as the potential, the stardom, the fame that Marissa could've had. She essentially saw this woman as a way to still have some remnant of her late sister. Anyone who did not like Ni'Jah Dre viewed as insulting her best friend. They might as well have spat on Marissa’s dead body. The obsession with driving across states to see Ni'Jah, wanting to get close to her and be at that concert no matter what obstacle came in her way showed that. We don’t see this much length be measured when Marissa was alive.

Marissa and the R&B singer were one in the same. This proves true when Dre steals her way on stage with Ni'Jah. Instead of being tackled off, the dancers and Ni'Jah helps her up. Instead of the R&B singer's face, we see Marissa, who embraces her.

The show kept me on my toes every episode. The many casts were also interesting. My favorite death would be Paris Jackson's. I love the tongue-in-cheek jokes that mirror scandals and rumors of the actors, including Beyonce. That fact that Dre is the one to bite Bey was on the nose. The mini documentary that shows that what we're viewing is a dramatization of actors and seeing pictures of the "real" Dre was a nice twist too.

Let's talk about Ms Eilish! Those big, Piscean eyes. This woman is stunning. For her first acting debut, she was a plot twist of the many that were in this show. She came off creepy yet comforting at the same time, the perfect depiction of a cult leader. Truthfully, if that's a cult, I'd join. That's how I know I'd be perfect for these cult recruiters because to this day I don't see the red flags of those white bitches. Of course, they leverage your deepest secrets above your head to keep you in but honestly it's all namaste and ashwagandha mellows from there. Hiking, sisterhood, meditations? I hope I don't sound stupid...

Apparently there'll be a season two. I'm not the best in figuring out if a show needs one, but I don't think this one does. There are a lot of unanswered questions but I think for an ending like the one we were given....dead it. It's an open-ended answer and the speculation of what is real and what isn't is fun and elevates it. If it comes out I'll still watch it, but I hope that's it.

10/10

9. Level 16 (2018)

Girls in a prison-like boarding school embark on a desperate search to uncover the awful truth behind their captivity.

This is literally The Promised Neverland. It really isn't far off from what I hear is being done for people to retain youth. Especially for those who can afford it. If anyone knows that one Ellen interview with Sandra Bullock, I don't even think that's the tip of the iceberg.

This one was all over my Tiktok feed, plus Stephanie Soo made a video on it so I knew what it was about and knew the big reveal. I still liked the movie, so I don't think it ruined it for me. But I do know my experience would've been a lot different hadn't I known. It's so hard avoiding spoilers. Even harder when you don't realize it's a spoiler you'll want to avoid in the future.

I know Katie Douglas from Ginny and Georgia and a few clips of The Girl Who Escaped (2021). Sara Canning is Jenna from The Vampire Diaries, so it was nice seeing that she's still employed. Love her.

Like The Promised Neverland, the children of this "boarding school" endure sixteen years of indoctrination in an attempt to be the perfect child in hopes of being adopted. They have never been outside and have only been within the walls of the school. The girls don't know certain things like "movies," calling them "moving pictures." They're unaware of how to read and I assume write. Every day is a schedule that doesn't falter. If there are any interruptions, the fear of being sent to the basement for punishment and being seen as "unclean" keeps them in line. There are also guards. Unclean girls are ostracized and treated as infections that might spread to the others. Vivian hides that secret of being "unclean" years ago after an incident on level 10, but it isn't a pressing issue in the story.

This is a good plot. It was weirdly paced, but still good. Maybe it has to do with me knowing the stakes, but I felt like it wasn't better shown? I just couldn't take this joke of a school seriously. It seemed like they only had two guards and the rooms were poorly ran. If the girls knew any better they'd easily overpower them or just break through the thin, rotting walls.

Certain things didn't make sense. Vivian was punished on level 10 trying to help Sophia. Years pass when the girls meet each other on level 16 once again, their final year. Vivian is now a obedient girl that treads the line and avoid getting involved with anything that would jeopardize adoption. With that said, why would she not take the medication when Sophia told her? Sophia gave no explanation. From the point of view of Vivian, Sophia is the reason why she went through something so traumatic in the basement that still haunts her six years later. So why just automatically believe her with no reason to and the potential of defying these "caretakers" that once punished her for something similar?

I'm nitpicking.

I just like this specific plot and had my jaws to the floor when The Promised Neverland first released it. Who would've thought an orphanage would turn out to be a farm for harvesting children...Definitely doesn't happen in the real world that's for sure! (sarcasm)

An amazing plot. It had one horrific scene which is horror enough for me, so I added it to this month's reviews.

7/10

10. The Babysitter: Killer Queen

Two years after defeating a satanic cult lead by his babysitter, Cole once again has to outsmart the forces if evil when old enemies unexpectedly return.

Starring Judah Lewis once again as Cole, he is now a junior in high school still being bullied. The fact that all the events of the first 2017 movie was cleaned up results in no one believing Cole who is mocked for being “crazy.” His parents think he’s nuts, even his best friend Melanie (reprised by Emily Alyn Lind) who’d helped him that night of outrunning his satanic babysitter, didn’t really see much to help his case. Even her new boneheaded boyfriend picks on Cole.

This one was also on my lift for a long time. I really liked the first movie, but had forgotten it, so I rewatched it before watching this new sequel (new to me anyway), so I guess you can add that to the list of what I watched this May. Killer Queen is so fun. I watched it two more times after because it’s a light movie, which is surprising given the premise. Black comedy horror are usually good and this is no exception. I might make a list honoring them. The comedic timing, the visual effects, the casting, and, the best of all, Jenna mother fucking Ortega.

I didn’t really like this role much for her for some reason. The character is great and all, but something was just off. Not sure. It doesn’t ruin my rating of this movie but I just wanted to put that out there.

Now to the spoilers. Melanie is the new blond goddess with her name in the devil’s book. I did not see that shit coming. They corner Cole on a boat after taking him on a trip to “relax” after he finds out his parents are fed up with their crazy son and are planning to ship him off to a psychiatric hospital. The new group of teens are Melanie, her boyfriend, Jimmy, Diego, and Boom-Boom are all playing a game when Diego tastelessly ask Cole about his killer babysitter. Melanie instigates, but Diego presses. Melanie slips up a detail of the night that Cole never mentioned to her and she is figured out when Cole doesn’t budge on never having had mentioned that information. Melanie slits Boom-Boom’s throat. The sacrificed. Cole is once again face to face with the same cult that wanted to use his blood for power, fame, and glory. Funnily enough tonight is the night the old friend group of his dead babysitter, Bee, comes back. They are still on the pursuit to use Cole’s blood to get their wildest dreams. Phoebe, Jenna Ortega’s character that’s on her own side quest that independently seems to be related to Cole’s, opens the door to the scene. Her jet ski ran out of gas and she’d stopped on the anchored boat for help but quickly leaves once it’s obvious this is no ordinary party.

I don’t mean to victim blame here, but all of this could’ve been avoided if Cole just got drugged. Actually, I do mean to victim blame. It would be less traumatizing, wouldn’t it?

In the first movie, Bee laced a shot glass of alcohol she was going to give to young Cole but he was afraid of the taste and downed it in the plant when Bee wasn’t looking. From what I got, they were going to leave the boy alive. In Killer Queen, that seemed to be the same case. But that didn’t happen, so Melanie had to quickly improvise. Her deal with the devil was more important than her friendship with Cole, who she teases his feelings for her on many occasions.

I’m not saying just let them use you for a satanic ritual, but if you end up alive… I don’t know. Seems better than running around trying to outrun two groups of killers out for blood.

This movie is just hilarious. My three favorite characters are Robbie Amell, jock head of Bee’s friend group, and Ken Marino, who plays Cole’s father. Marino I know from iZombie and he is hilarious on that too. Everything Amell says is just so perfectly timed and he’s not so bad to look at. I liked him in Duff and that one Scooby live action in 2009. He’s also in a show called Upload I’m excited to start - the clips looked amazing on Tiktok. Samara Weaving is an iconic given, and I’m happy that she and Ortega have worked together in Scream 6.

I recommend both movies strongly. The plot is so good and the actors are perfectly casted. The ending is nice too. I’m just really glad his parents will finally realize he’s telling the truth. Misunderstandings and gaslighting a protagonist is the worst. If they make a third movie, I wouldn’t mind at all. I hope Netflix does since they love to run things into the mud, but we’ll see.

10/10.

Next month I plan on watching the new Evil Dead Rise. I'm just waiting on my boyfriend, so it'll take a while. He also hasn't watched any Jordan Peele movies, which is crazy but perfect for me because I get to rewatch them all over again. I'm mostly excited for Get Out. Thank you for those who read my reviews. I hope I inspired a movie night or two, a binge watch or five.