#i would like to get married someday but not until ive known the person a long time

[guinevereslancelot]

kinda surreal to watch my friends who are younger than me getting married and having kids meanwhile i haven't ever been in love

[dinosaurtsukki]

[ wedding gifts | feat. akaashi keiji ]

pairing: akaashi keiji x f!reader

word count: 1.3k words

contains: um, angst, jumps in between memories

a/n: wanted to use the whole wedding gift saying (something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue) thing as a prompt. /might/ make this into a series thing but depends how i feel abt it haha

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I. something old

the candy ring pop that akaashi gave you when you were twelve. the lollipop had already been eaten, of course, but you still kept the green, plastic ring piece. sometimes you take it out of where you keep it on your nightstand drawer and fit it over your ring finger.

“i’ll marry you when we get older!” you remember akaashi promising you, right before slipping the ring pop on your finger. you were probably ten years-old back then. akaashi was still in his ‘dragons phase’ and carried one of his favorite books with him to school. he still barely knew how to tie his shoelaces but you never minded squatting down to tie them for him.

neither of you really understand what it means to be married. as far as you know, it just means spending time together and living in the same house. of course, you nod your head and agree. akaashi giggles before going on about how you’ll be wearing matching pajamas until you’re both older.

the lollipop dyes your tongue red and you could see it sticking out between your lips in the bathroom mirror while you rinse off the ring piece. you usually throw these away after eating them but this was different. ‘akaashi gave it, so i have to keep it’, you reason with yourself, shaking the piece of plastic dry.

you and akaashi are much older now and even though he’s grown out of his dragon phase, you still gift him a little dragon keychain that he still keeps on his bag. he probably doesn’t know that you’ve kept the ring until now, nor the fact that your hands would touch his for a moment too long.

‘does he remember?’ you wonder, gazing down at the ring on your finger. it would be kind of stupid if he does, even more so for you to hold onto it.

II. something new

the spare key to akaashi’s new apartment. he’s too cautious to leave it under the doormat to his house, saying that ‘everyone knows that’s where to keep the spare key by now’. so instead, he gives it to you. after all, you live near enough to his place. after all, you would always come if he needed you for anything.

and yet, akaashi never accidentally locks himself out of his house or loses his key. but you keep it anyway because akaashi’s apartment for you to come and go as you please. you cook too much pasta for one person but enough for two so akaashi always has extra noodles in his cupboard.

“guess what that guy in my class did today?” “i accidentally got my wrong coffee order.” despite how long you two have known each other, conversations never run stale. you feel like akaashi’s couch has begun to have a dent in the cushions because you always sit there.

and yet, you can’t bring yourself to talk about what’s been weighing on your mind for the past few years. afraid because you don’t want to accidentally create an ocean between the two of you and yet not content with the unnamed boundary between the two of you.

so you content yourself with the extra key hanging from your chain, with the extra noodle in the cupboard, with the comfortable dent in the sofa that’s been molded in the shape of you. you tell yourself that maybe someday, these would no longer be extras but normal parts of the life you and akaashi share.

that is, until he says the thing you’ve been dreading most to here. “i think i met someone,” akaashi says, almost shyly. his fingers are splayed across the rim of his mug his gaze focused at the window. another conversation stems from that, but one that you have trouble listening to as you feel the key burning a hole in your pocket.

III. something borrowed

akaashi’s volleyball team jacket from way back in high school. you can’t help but stare at the way it fits around her shoulders perfectly when akaashi drapes it on her. as much as you want to, it’s difficult to hate her. not when you see how much she makes akaashi happy. 

you make akaashi happy too, just not in the way she does. but he never neglects you, never cancels out on the plans you two have made together, never leaves you waiting outside his apartment door. it would have been easier if akaashi would ignore you or if the girl he was dating was a terrible person. you’re left swinging between joy for the two of them, and sadness to your self.

“you and akaashi sure have known each other for a long time,” she says. your eyes linger on the jacket around her shoulders and how her arm is partially resting on akaashi’s.

“we’ve practically known each other since we were in daycare,” akaashi smiles softly at you. “hey, remember that time we met? when you pushed me off the swings in the playground?” 

you can’t help but laugh at the memory as you recount your version of the story. in the back of your mind, you think of the green plastic ring in your nightstand drawer and the ache in your chest grows. 

you lean your forehead against the car window when he drives you home, admiring how the yellow streetlights give akaashi’s skin a bronze tint, the way his dark brown hair curls in all the right places. he’s chewing his lip, meaning that he’s worrying about another deadline and you wonder if it’s alright for you to give his wrist a gentle squeeze now. 

“thanks again for coming,” he smiles when he walks you to your apartment. you don’t want him to go just yet. you don’t want him to go at all. would the existing bond between you and akaashi be enough for him to consider you, his closest friend, at all?

“is something wrong, y/n?” he asks. you bite your lip, and finally say what you’ve been wanting to for the past few years.

IV. something blue

the bridesmaid’s dresses are the same shade of blue as akaashi’s tie. it’s one of the things you helped choose when wedding planning rolled around. it’s your favorite shade of blue, one that matches the irises arranged on each of the tables during the reception. everything in the wedding venue is picture-perfect and you can’t help but take mental snapshots to remember forever.

if only it was for you.

like the decorations and the flower arrangements, you’re dressed in blue from head to toe, fixing a smile on your face as you watch akaashi’s bride-to-be walk down the aisle in her white gown. even though you’ve prepared for this day for months, years even because you knew deep in your heart that akaashi would ask her eventually, you still can’t stop the tears from escaping from the corners of your eyes. 

and as much as it would pain you, your eyes finally land on the expression on akaashi’s face. the smile there could only mean that he’s feeling a happiness that’s beyond words. 

the rest of the ceremony goes well, even with you pausing to dab at the corner of your eyes. everyone assumes that you’re crying from happiness for your best friend.

of course, you deliver a speech to the newlyweds, one that took you weeks to write with more than a few crumpled up drafts ending up in the trash bin. it’s so easy for you to recall things like when they first met, how cute they were during those first few months of dating, how you knew deep down that they would stay together for a long time.

you and akaashi lock eyes and there’s a small, sad smile on his face. you try not to think about the green, plastic ring that you had just thrown away, or the apartment key that you could no longer used after akaashi moved out, or the fact that you haven’t seen his old volleyball jacket in so long.

at the end of the reception, akaashi offers to wait with you outside while you hail a taxi home. before entering the car, he touches your wrist for a few seconds, eyes locking with yours.

“thank you for the wedding gift.”

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taglist (check out my post for details on being part of my taglist):@montys-chaos​ @miyumtwins​ @strawberriimilkshake​ @pocubo​ @sugawara-sweetheart @akaashisbabydoll @laure-chan​ @therainroguefanfiction​ @atetiffdoesart @stephdaninja @oikaw-ugh​ @charliefredb​ @dramaqueenweeb1469 @tremblinghearts @applepienation @doodleniella @haikyuu-my-love @waitforitillwritemywayout @kattykurr @atsumusdomain​ @goodfoodxoxoxo​ @ah-kaashi​ @guardianangelswings @definitely-yours @amberalisa @whootwhoot​ @liz-multifandom-hotel @kac-chowsballs​ @procrastination-lady

[windsweptlassie]

On Love

So as you know I made this uquiz with an open-ended question at the end, tell me something about love, and I’ve gotten the most wonderful responses! They range from descriptions of wonderful partners: 

Lauren: oh, how long I went without being myself until I met him and he showed me who I truly was and that my worth was higher than I ever thought was possible

Levi: I love who we are with each other. I love who I am with you. In your company I am me. In your company I am the best of me. The best with the best, I've told you. I wouldn't give you up for anything

Daniel: i fell in love for the first time when i was 17... at the time, i didn’t realize it was the first time, i thought i’d been in love before, a couple times actually, but falling in love at 17 was such a fulfilling experience, it felt so forceful yet so right. it’s when i first truly understood what love was. never before had i felt so understood and so cared for as i did when i was in love with her, and she was in love with me. it’s been nearly 4 years since then, and nearly 3 years since we broke up and stopped talking, and still, i think about her almost every day. i’ve never known anyone like her; to me, she was love itself.

El: oh i’m in love with everyone that i know op!!! especially my girlfriend, of course ,but also my friends and my family and random people on the street and uh

Grace: i’ve met my soulmate and we plan on getting an apartment and marrying after college

A: I’m going to ask the woman I love to marry me and I just wanted to tell someone because I am so excited

Jeremy: you ever have that feeling where basically after years of denying that someone couldnt understand you in a way or love you and then the next thing you know you happen to find that person and its just great from then on out? idk how to explain it anyways I love my boyfriend so much he means the world to me

Lucy: i am so happy i have found the one i love

to descriptions of best friends and favorite people:

Nightbyrd: Love is a hug from an alzheimer's patient who hasn't the foggiest idea who you are, but they know you're worth hugging.

H: I have been doing so much yoga with my roommate recently!! It's a great way to center my mind for an hour

Riv: [platonic] i’ve literally never met anyone who understands me in the way that my best friends do. they’re literally the best people in the whole world and i genuinely don’t know what i’d do without them. i love them with my whole heart

Cillian: when i talk about how much i love my best friend i get so teary eyed because i cant believe that such a genuinely wonderful person wants to speak to me every day - i care for her more than anyone else on this planet

O: my two besties are my sources of happiness and they’re so pretty i would die for them :D

to beautiful quotes:

Kai: "you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on." DARCYYYY PLS MY HEART CANT HANDLW THIS PAIN

Dorian: When the plane went down in San Francisco, I thought of my friend M. He’s obsessed with plane crashes. He memorizes the wrecked metal details, ____the clear cool skies cut by black scars of smoke. Once, while driving, he told me about all the crashes: The one in blue Kentucky, in yellow Iowa. How people go on, and how people don’t. It was almost a year before I learned that his brother was a pilot. I can’t help it, I love the way men love. (accident report in the tall, tall weeds- ada limon, bright dead things)

Adam: every day I think about lemony snicket I will love you if I never see you again I will love you if I see you every Tuesday or however it goes. and it KILLS ME. love only fits in small things

Hero: “Your heart beats in my ribs and mine in yours, and both in God’s… The divine magnet is in you, and my magnet responds.” - Herman Melville to Nathaniel Hawthorne

Mary: "Love is watching someone die."

Alex: "meet me at blue diner, i'll take coffee and talk about nothing baby"

Sparrow: "How dare you love me like you've never known fear?" and "For you, the world," and "Darling, I was born to press my head between your shoulder blades," and "Will you start where I end?"

V: " You want to die for love. You always have. " and "someone will remember us, I say, even in another time" are living rent free in my mind 24/7 and I'm shaking. When will I finally be not the only one falling ?

Sahar K: To love another person is to see the face of god!!!

Miriam: all the love in the world is useless when there is total lack of understanding- kafka

Juls: Don’t you think they are maybe the same? Love and attention

to practices of love:

Leo; i love feeling happy bc somebody that i love is happy and comfortable....like its not about me i just love seeing you smile. we are safe together...idk i just feel it bro

A: I like to think love is leaning on each other during the light or dark days. Its a personal mission of mine to find out who I am and what I want. Yet I never seem to find my place in this world and as I look and look , I realise the only place I can be myself even with or without the efforts to find myself was done on that day or not, I am always tired so shall I lean on you? And you can lean on me as well. I shall be your fig tree and you shall be my favourite willow tree.

L: It's too late at night to be soul searching, but it's a journey we all seem to find ourselves on these days.

Anthi: feeling safe and at home, I guess (also I love frogs)

Julia: ive found that loving someone is like becoming your own thesaurus. you have to find or come up with infinite ways to say, you’re beautiful, or, i love you. it’s a gift

Galexies: ive been writing letters to the person i'd love one day since i was 14. i write them in a little journal usually, but i've been digitizing them into emails and sending them to one account that i'll give to them someday. i'd like to put pictures, but i haven't been outside much recently so theres that. i wonder if they'd like the sunsets i have on file, or if they'd find my cat cute in a bowtie.

Caeles: Love is sharing fruit slices and making someone tea at random

Dundy: Love is sending your friends cursed shit and watching them react in horror

to crushes and potential loves: 

Jess: I have a crush on my roommate. It sucks, but it's also wonderful. I get to be around him all the time when we're at school. we share a life together; it's rather domestic. I think a lot about marrying him and being domestic with him forever. It won't happen, and I'll move on eventually, but I'll be happy with him for as long as I can. I hope you feel loved tonight, because you are. Sleep well.

Aki: I so desperately want to believe that love is fake because I’ve seen what happens when loved ones leave but whenever I start to convince myself that I’ll never love anyone my best friend messages me telling me she loves me. She’s the only person I’ve ever pictured having a future with but love scares me and I don’t really know what to do but I think as long as she’s with me in some way, I’ll be fine

Hi: her her i keep thinking abt her.... gonna see her in 8 days or so i really miss her. its ok if shes never gonna love me like i want her to really being her friend spending time with her makes me the happiest girl on earth.... outsold antidepressants

Kit: this guy i have a crush on has hypnotically dark brown eyes and he's wonderful and shows me kindness like no one else

Juno: my crush has all the stars in his eyes

Mads: When I have the courage to meet my eyes with hers, the world stands still

Be Nice To Me: Look bro I never do these but I am yearning to hold them SO badly right now and someone needs to know it besides me

to the trials of love: 

Pppppp: I just wanna love like from the movies and what I read about.. but everyone tells me that that’s fictional and rare to find in the real world and it sucks bc it seems like all the guys I’ve met are terrible and the norms of society are all about not respecting women and uthdjdjdk

Manny: I have been in love before and I will be again but I’m not now and I miss it

Ok: I don't think I've ever been in love, though I love many people. I am waiting for the day I look at someone and can say, YES. IT'S YOU.

Chloe: idk rn i'm like okay with my love and i'm happy so we'll see i'm just a little cautious rn bc my last partner told me i didn't know how to love

L: love is so fucking complicated I don't even know where to start

Corrin: He’s not real and it worried me that I will never allow myself to live or be loved because I will always be waiting for him

Sean: Good luck it dont exist

Serena: i want 2 b in love :(( </3

13: I don’t know anymore

M: I just really don’t like dealing with it lol

to beloved characters: 

Janaya: I’m madly in love with my comfort and kin character and I hope maybe in the afterlife I can relive a life with him in some sort of dimension

Jhgjdf: when i was a kid i had a crush on ash ketchum from pokemon and id always daydream about being a female pkmn trainer and meeting him and we fall in love

to advice and prose: 

Mikolai: Love is earth, gentle and soft at first flight but upon being broken, drowns you in the dry choking wastes of its consequences...

Thex: Your hands will not go cold without someone to hold them. I am here. I will be here.

Kat: it is the nearest proof to god that i find myself surrounded by people who love in a way that complements so wonderfully the way i love

H: believe in love out of spite believe in love to prove everyone wrong believe in love because you were told not to and we will not do what we’re told anymore believe in love because it’s the strongest act of teenage rebellion we have left believe in love because it’s easier not to and when is easy worth doing? believe in love because everything says otherwise but you are untouchable, you are your own, you are not made by their design believe in love because, perhaps, you are love

Ali: I used to want a kind of love that feels like coming home and now I want nothing more than to be away from home on many different adventures

Em: you dont need to love yourself to accept it from others

to the small, the simple, and the sweet:

Ireal: Poems

O: Flowers

Fay: ah im sorry that i’m feeling unmotivated but you are very kind.

Ad: we love LOVE

A: <3

Isak: small things

H: intense

Hey: Listening to a clock ticking away

S: her

E: <3

Hania: Amorous, I adore that word ^^

Catboy: wholesome

J: i love love so much it hurts

Emmy: hi i love the song darkest of discos!! try and give it a listen!! <3

Nora: Love is painful, but most of the time love is great

Ariel: i like the comfort it can bring

M: i love love

to food!

Cool Whip: Matzoh ball soup!!

Woop: I love sausages.... I hope that's ok with you?

and animals too <3

Nee: hmm i have pet geckos and i love them very much!

96: raccoons ????

DJ Big Penis: cats

:3: I Love frogs,,, love is stored in the frog,,,

I hope that this serves as a sweet compilation of what love means! Love to all of you, it warms my heart so much to hear about your people and your geckos and your characters and soup and all the songs and quotes you love. <3 Strength to all of you who are figuring out to do about your feelings for your crush, and congratulations to you who are proposing or moving in with your person! Your words are a source of light to me, truly.

[pjinthestreets]

i am saying this to myself no one read my cringe bleach postcanon

ok but this is what goes down though: renji+rukia marriage. im just saying it happens. im just saying ichigo and orihime would come? come on they saved Da Soul Socielty like seven times they can RSVP. fuckin

momo comes too obviously.. obviously kira is invited and stuff but hes zombifried and not exactly the life of the party no one rly wants him there and he does not want to go. not actly important if he shows up but i Do think the angst factor would be tastey like if hes on the side like conspicuously Just Standing There. alright ive Shown My Face gotta go :|

momo also on da side like hm yep lovely shindig let me just :) have one more drink :) tee hee lovely party guys! im crying because im just very happy for the happy couple GOTTA LOVE IT OK ILL BE OUTSIDE GETTING SOME AIR

orihime outside Actually getting air (lotta people she barely knows carousing and being. You Know.) like o hi uhh Miss. (FUCK I KNOW IVE SEEN HER BEFORE WHAT WAS HER NAME UHHH) Hows it going? Oh my god shes crying GIRL CRYING ALERT SUPPORTIVE MODE ACTIVATED

momo, kinda tipsy and a little bit totally miserable: no its fine its nice! i just kind of pictured things differently you know! i should be happy for them! but i keep thinking about how i was gonna get married someday. selfish right

orihime: :( babe no. come here. sweetheart. youre beautiful theres lots of time to find love! besides arent shinigami like immortal? :)? the right person is out there for you i promise!

momo, definitely tearing up now: no its not that i actually had someone. but like. thats the problem lol

orihime: ???

orihime: oh god. :( thats so sad i

hang on

like still alive type corpse? like has part of his own reiatsu still intact type walking around making everyone uncomfortable type ohhhh yeah actually that sounds like. a solveable problem to me

momo: ?!?!?!!!?!?!?!?!?!

orihime: yeah man if you can get him to consent i can almost definitely revive him with my godlike powers. nobody seems to remember this but i am almost the most powerful guy in this narrative

kira an indeterminate amount of time later: i dont rly see how this is going to improve things for my actual. utility as a killing machine. which is all i am good for etc etc sad boy noises

momo, clinging to sanity by a fucking shred at this point: shut the fuck up and get good dude you cannot imagine the stress this situation has put me under

orihime: cool alright let me juuuuust

kira: OH GOD IM ALIVE JESUS CHRIST I CAN FEEL EVERYTHING

momo: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rose, like 25 miles away: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mayuri, who definitely just lost a pet project and is prepared to argue intellectual property rights AFTER taking it out in Blood: what are u doing with my personal property i fuckin made that thing >:(

rose, finally getting a chance to use that sweet sweet bankai that got like 2 panels of airtime: you know for some reason it didnt occur to me until just now that someone else could do your job :) die :)

* le epic battle* [30+ episodes (colloquially known as the ‘mayuri eats shit forever’ arc)]*

downside to this is we may never get that sweet hoodie look on izuru. im gonna hazard that a guy who kinda gets his power and entire like character scheme from themes of despair, pain, and disempowerment mayyyy be cheated out of a bankai by this move. but it is simply the sacrifice we will have to make for the constantly-shafted-side-characters-get-their-happy-ending (and, can’t emphasize this enough, mayuri eats shit and dies forever) arc

[starkeaton]

the adventure zone: graduation character list

Well, i accidentally deleted the original graduation character list post, so here i am making another one. Oops. And as always, if anyone has important details i should add then feel free to suggest them!

Here are all the characters introduced in episodes 1-25. Named characters only!

Also i can’t hide spoilers! So, um..... I can’t put spoilers on this one. If you need the version with spoilers try this version of the post that i made on the adventure zone subreddit but youre not missing out on much.

# -EPISODE 1- (19 characters)

Hieronymous Wiggenstaff (he/him): Head of the Hero/Villain school. at least 400 years old. wears shining blue armor with gold accents. also an elf. according to Tomas, he led the charge at the "battle of blood valley", brought the Kingdoms of Rickart and Dawnbreak to a peace treaty, and founded the school. a little boastful, a little prideful, [SPOILERS OMITTED], and overall a pretty good dude.

Higglemas Wiggenstaff (he/him): Head of the Sidekick/Henchperson annex, cranky old elf. has a dog named hero who shows no signs of anything strange at all, ever. 

Gary (he/him): friendly room gargoyle. pseudo-hivemind.

Groundsy (he/him): the groundskeeper. a pretty nice fellow. don't go in his shed.

Hernandez (he/him): beautiful centaur professor of animal handling.

Jimson (he/him): human battlegrounds trainer for sidekicks/henchpeople, world famous featherweight champion, wields a staff. married to crushman.

Crushman (he/him): silver dragonborn with a sickle, and self-described beefy boy! heavyweight blood champion married to jimson. never lost a match for 8 years. full name Frostus Crushman.

Rolandus Fontaine (he/him): former prince, son of deposed king, kind of an asshole, maybe. wears a cape (important detail)

Zana (she/her): "terrifying" tiefling villain sorcerer, friend of rolandus. barkept the test tavern in ep2

Rhodes (she/her): hero ranger, friend of rolandus.

Buckminster Eden (he/him): hero guy. son of "The Iron Lord". their dad is stronger than rolandus's dad. his wiki page says rogue so i think hes a rogue? i never caught that and ive listened more times than i wish i did

Leon (he/him): softspoken buff, bald "fighter" (although i dont remember any clarification on how exactly he fights), sidekick of buckminster, around 28. anyone else keep forgetting he's bald? i keep forgetting it. >!gets sorta-drafted into becoming a falcon for higglemas and so far hasn't done much else.!<

Rainer Michelle (she/her): cheerful villainous necromancer with a floating chair. also, her name is pronounced "rainier" despite not being confirmed as such? travis ships her with fitzroy.

Tomas (he/him): human man with "kind eyes" and a good (psychic???) memory. guidance counselor.

Stewart LeBoeuf (he/him): brawny human man. serves food. there is no joke here, i promise

Mulligan (he/him): teaches potions. mentioned but doesn't appear yet. and we're like 25 episodes in. maybe we'll see him someday

Germaine, Victoria, Rattles (he/him,she/her,???/???): Skeleton crew. They live in the training room i guess, and as a result can never die, because "no one dies in the training room!" (note: someone now HAS to die in the training room). also their races are never explicitly stated but i guess they're probably human? in episode 3 travis brings up something about how many bones are in "the human body" and at this point i think i'm looking too deep into this so i'll just forget about it and you probably should too.

# -EPISODE 2- (9 characters)

Riveau (he/him): halfling, blame-taking teacher.

Mimi (they/them): gnome sidekick who builds cool robot prosthetics

Bartholemus (he/him): owl aarakocra accountant teacher, known for being the best accountant in the land and having a face some might describe as "smoochable". very pro capitalist :’( hope he gets better

Ramos (she/her): goliath teacher of shieldwork. *

Dip (she/her): sidekick, half-orc twin of pip

Pip (she/her): hero, half-orc twin of dip

Festo (they/them): fairy with "beautiful gossamer wings", independent study teacher of magic, loves to party

Snippers (he/him?): Let me tell you my story about Snippers the magic crab. When Travis gave the list of animals that Griffin could choose as Fitzroy's familiar's current form, he listed crab near the start, and this gave me excitement. Now i knew that crab was pretty unlikely but god i hoped that he would choose it. When the list went on- Bat, Cat, Crab, Frog, Hawk, Lizard, Owl, Poisonous Snake, Fish, Rat, Raven, Seahorse, Spider or Weasel- I nearly lost hope. I was hoping so hard that Griffin would choose the crab, but i was ready to accept a non-crab familiar. It was just buried in that list. It wasn't the most useful animal and it was an obscure pick. And as Travis informed him that it didn't have to keep the form for the whole campaign, Griffin said those five words i wanted to hear so, so badly. "Well then it's a crab." Folks, I do not often react physically when something happens in media. But in that moment, i remember very clearly, i fist-pumped and yelled, "YES!!!!!!"

so anyway, Fitzroy has a crab.

Jackle (he/him): kenku teacher of sneakery. creepy dude. apparently knows something about argo? also his name is not spelled "jackal" for some reason. Also in later episodes theyve started calling him "The Jackle" for some reason??? *

# -EPISODE 3- (1 character)

Dakota (they/them): tavern instructor, clad in black/red leather. no race stated? probably human. *

# -EPISODE 4- (6 characters)

Gerry & Tom (she/her, he/him): shopkeepers at barns and nobles who seem to have very bad names. also constantly competing for customers? these guys got dropped faster than the heathcliff quests, which is honestly just sad.

Barb (she/her): the bartender. runs Springs Eternal in Last Hope. has a sweet seeing-eye hawk familiar. 

Jaryd Reginald (he/him): owner of Reginald Ore. Wants the workers to be held responsible for the damage caused by the xorn. (fun fact: originally i wrote down "Jerrod" because i wanted it to sound like a fantasy name, then realized it was probably "Jared" because theyre named after listeners, but i was pleased to find it confirmed that it's actually "Jaryd")

Candice (she/her): A Miner. thought those werent allowed in bars but, i guess not. Wants the mine owner to be held responsible for the xorn's damage.

Jade Johnson Esq. (she/her): lawyer.

# -EPISODE 5- (1 character)

Xorn: a big hungry gem eating guy from the plane of earth Low-Down Deep with 3 arms and 3 legs. why did travis just say "multi-armed" instead of specifying it was 3? who knows! Anyway it leaves

# -EPISODE 6- (3 characters)

Osric (he/him): the man, the myth, the bursar. finally shows up after being mentioned in episodes 2 and 4. he's an elf. 

breeze through the willows (she/her): Pegasus attacked by demons, lost her parents. introduced in ep1 but gets a name here so fuck it. also in ep>!16!< we find out shes a "white arabian pegasus" and i dont think thats a spoiler bc we shouldve really known it from the beginning

Sabor (he/him): Librarian/research teacher. also a TORTLE. Really good at recalling stuff, i guess. kinda reminds me of Tomas's memory thing but i'm sure that's just a coincidence... *

# -EPISODE 7- (1 character)

Mosh (he/him): The goliath blacksmith who welcomes argo into the unbroken chain. Also, and this is specific to the tumblr version of this post, all the characters with an * at the end of their descriptions are also members of the unbroken chain. if someone knows how to do spoilers on tumblr please tell me

# -EPISODE 8-

:)

# -EPISODE 9- (2 characters)

Eeiïäá#æ&éñn (pronounced like "Ian") (he/him?): an imp but without a shitty voice. also happens to not be violent. what a coincidence?

Terence (he/him): a chain devil with a real demonic name. minor boss of the imps. very convincing and very threatening. has the frightening ability to make you zone out during his fight

# -EPISODE 10- (2 characters)

Althea Song (she/her): elf with autumn-orange hair. representative from heroic oversight guild. i'd like to personally thank travis for spelling her name out.

Crabtree (she/her): Artificing teacher. Long gray hair with a long grey beard. no mentioned race, one might guess dwarf but that would be an assumption i suppose. also unbroken chain member, presumably the dwarf argo didn't recognize in episode 7.

# -EPISODE 11- (3 characters)

Marie (she/her): Grey-haired elf woman. She's the school's physician, i guess. Member of the unbroken chain.

Dendra Maplecourt (she/her): Fitzroy's mom. Has hot mint gum, i guess. She was mentioned earlier but i wasn't convinced she was a real person until this episode

Cool Gary (he/him): AYY ITS ME GARYR

# -EPISODE 12-

no new characters again!

# -EPISODE 13- (7 characters hhhyyyuu)

Kale (???/???): Head of the Placement Department, in charge of real world assignments. First mentioned in Ep4 but i missed that the last few times bc it is so brief. Gives exposition about missions i guess????? is that the only reason this chara cter exists

satyr thief (unnamed) (he/him): tries to rob thundermen, dies instantly

Ogre (he/him): teamed up with the satyr. his name is ogre.

Moon (he/him): A Sidekick. small pale sullen guy. no mentioned race. Why is there another FUCKING sidekick WE HAD ENOUGH hhhyuuuuuu

Deanna (she/her): A bigoted centaur with an obnoxious voice. Malwin the Strong's second in command.

Malwin the Strong (she/her): Leader of the centaurs of the scarlet woods. Wants to appease the spirit of the scarlet woods so that thecentaurs of the scarlet woods will be protected in the scarlet woods. Had a relationship with Arturas in the past but their clashes are currently known to get pretty heated.

Arturas (he/him): Leader of the Centaurs of the Valley, i guess. Had a relationship with Malwin. Centaur. Did i mention centaur? i cant think of anything else about this character

# -EPISODE 14- (2 characters)

Calhain (he/him): Human wizard, Malwin's magical advisor. Kind of an amateur wizard in a job high above his skill level. Graduated Wigginstaff's as a hero.

Spirit of the Scarlet Woods: A spirit who requires sacrifice in order to keep Malwin's herd safe and prosperous. Not keen on dubiously canonical combos, i guess. i wouldnt be either. also apparently the sacrifice depends on personal value, not how much value it has to the spirit.

# -EPISODE 15- (2 characters)

Sylvia Nite (she/her): Fitzroy's magic theory teacher at knight night school, who he turned into a catfish by accident. oops!

Chaos (they/them, maybe more): Presumably a deity, gave Fitz his powers and wants him to give in to his chaotic desires. (physical desc: 9 foot tall, iridescent 'mother of pearl' skin, pure white eyes, fine burgundy cloak with gold/onyx lining. their physical form beyond that seems to change every time they show up.)

# -EPISODE 16-

none -w-

# -EPISODE 17-

some demins happened. the big dudes are called "Pit Fiends" and the armored demon ladies are called "Erinyes", by the way. that was incredibly hard for me to figure out the first time, especially without headphones, i thought travis was saying "pig feet" and i just could not discern what the other things were

# -EPISODE 18- (6 characters)

snow on the mountain: shire horse pegasus

storm at sea: peruvian paso pegasus, vehement defender of The Guardian. doesn't have a goofy voice.. but he could have....

thaw of the spring: a winged horse

night of no clouds: a winged hhorse

The Guardian: "An ancient and powerful being that guards the unknown forest." Has protected the flock from demons for many many years. apparently is the voice that was talking to our firbolg in episode 1?

Grey, the Demon Prince (he/him): wants to cause a war, originally wanted to kill hiero and higgs, forces the heroes to build an army to fight his. As "Fauxronimous", he has skin the *color and pattern of* (but not necessarily made of) slate splashed with liquid, pointed ears, sharp teeth, shining eyes, horns of unspecified shape. 12 fucking feet tall. wonder if the slate-looking skin is related to garys. plot twist detected? Also i recently looked at the episode descriptions and found out his name is spelled "Gray", but really does it truly matter?

# -EPISODE 19- (2 characters)

Shabree Keene (she/her): Argo's mom, killed on the Mariah, possibly by the Commodore. Long auburn hair, green eyes. Mentioned earlier but described here, so fuck it.

**Thomas** (he/him): Argo's first mate on the Mariah, as the Kraken, in his chaos-dream. may or may not actually exist.

# -EPISODE 20- (1 character)

The Commodore (he/him): Reknowned hero of the seas, military regalia, great naval hero, presumably responsible for the death of Shabree Keene. No mentioned race. Seriously, they never mention this guy's race. The only thing described about him is how he's dressed and his evil smile. Does that mean he's human? Elf? Dwarf??? Who knows! maybe it just doesnt matter. 

# -EPISODE 21-

none

# -EPISODE 22-

not any of them. not any.

# -EPISODE 23- (1 character)

Ozymondelius (sp???) (it/its): A warforged teacher who just so happens to like war or something? i guess its in the name. only mentioned in this episode, doesnt show up yet.

# -EPISODE 24-

they have a fight in the training room but nobody dies :\\ maybe next time. also no new characters. pog

# -EPISODE 25- (4 characters)

Gherkin (he/him): Tall lankier skeleton, has a scimitar and a merkin, which is a pubic wig... and he wears a jerkin? which i guess is a kind of coat? also i think hes mute 

Tibia (she/her?) : Shorter skeleton with gold teeth, and long canines. i think both of the skeletons are mute actually.

The Lich King aka Gordy (he/him): Rainer's dad. Commands armies of the undead. lives in The Crypt. described as a hooded, skull-faced man with intricate black lines on his face, but changes to a shaved-head man with dark skin and vetiligo. Abandoned as a babby, raised by traveling parents, had necromancy powers, took Rainier in. Not actually very scary at all i don't know why he did the creepy laugh. Kind of a warm fatherly figure actually. hm. also people are speculating Gordy might be short for Gordita and his parents are maybe supposed to be lup and barry but THAT S JUST A THEORY.

our firbolg's father (he/him): A firbolg who lived by the code and was there when our firbolg was banished. Came to respect our firbolg's interest in a new way of life, in his final moments.

TOTAL: 72 NPCS! (well, including 2 extra PCs, i guess.)

Average: 2.88 NPCs per episode.

i was gonna not include the bone-PCs and have it be 69 but our firbolg's dad was just too important to not respect with a spot on the list.

anyway as always make sure to smack me with a blunt object if i forgot any characters!!!!!

[kittybennett]

your choice | anti-soulmate au where they weren't born with soul-mates and they meet in a group where other people who don't have them meet-up. and they come to the conclusion that they're not weirdos for not having them. cause they have the group and each other jhskfjksdf - @malcolmbrights​

ok i’m sorry this turned REALLY long but here we go.

aka: five times ev didn’t go to support group and one time she did

i.

Evelyn Reyes spends much of her sixteenth year of life staring into reflective surfaces in the vain hope that she will find a soulmark has bloomed on her skin while she wasn’t looking. Most people are born within them, though it isn’t entirely unheard of for the matching tattoos to make themselves known in the years between childhood and adolescence. A teenager already, Evelyn is a rarity, late even by the most generous of time frames, and this makes her a repository for her peers’ pity. She takes to wearing long sleeves even in the sweltering heat of summer to avoid questions, but finds that it’s all people want to talk to her about. No matter how they phrase their comforting platitudes or prying questions, it all sounds the same to her.

Are you scared that you might be utterly alone? How relieved I am that it’s you and not me.

Evelyn hates them all, but most of all she hates the guidance counselor who calls her into her office to offer ‘support’ and gives Evelyn a flyer for a group of people with deceased soulmates. It’s not the same, the counselor explains, but those in the group might understand what Evelyn is going through. They can sympathize on how horrible it is to not have a soulmate.

Her cheeks burn hot. She shoves the flyer into the pocket of her hoodie and begs to be excused. On her way home she tears the flyer into little pieces and throws it over a bridge, watching the pieces of paper flutter and land on the river below while angry, shameful tears prick at her eyes.

After that, she stops checking her body for new marks.

ii. The first man that Evelyn loves also takes pains to keep covered up. Unlike Evelyn, he actually has something to hide: a bright blue tattoo of a bird in flight. The space where it adorns his forearm is usually bandaged lest Jamie’s eager admirers find a way to replicate it and render the mark useless.

When they lie together at night, Evelyn traces the mark. It’s the closest she’s ever been to one that didn’t belong to either of her parents, and even at a young age she knew not to ask questions about theirs.

“They weren’t soulmates.” Evelyn tells her lover one night. “His died when they were little — childhood sweethearts. And my mom has never talked about hers, but I know he’s gone too. She wouldn’t have married my father or had me if she thought he was still out there.”

What she doesn’t confess hangs in the air. Jamie addresses it anyway.

“You know that’s not the reason you’re like this, right?”

Evelyn is silent but the finger that was tracing his mark stills.

“Evelyn. It’s just bad luck. Seriously.” He tilts her face so he can stare into her eyes. Jamie is rarely serious, so this sudden sobriety makes it difficult for Evelyn to hold his gaze, but she does. “Bad things happen to lots of people, and it’s not the end of the world. My cousin is widowed, and he remarried and—“

Before he can finish his story, Evelyn kisses him. And kisses him. Her distraction works.

That night Evelyn prays for the first time in well over a decade: asking for a blue bird on her forearm. ( She breaks up with Jamie a week later. Better to get out with her heart mostly intact. She never does find out what happened to that cousin of his, though sometimes she wonders if she should have let Jamie finish. )

iii.

“Would it kill you to write something happy for once? Just one ballad about summer love, or getting dicked down?”

Evelyn frowns. “You know I’m not the bubblegum pop type.”

“That’s for sure.” Her producer sighs. “Listen, you’re good. But can’t you just write a love song that isn’t super … intense and depressing? Give us something fun and light-hearted for once.”

“What if I haven’t felt that?”

“Then pretend, or talk to someone who has.” The producer fixes her with a look between pity and sternness. “Seriously, Evie. Don’t come back here without a love song. And get a therapist.”

Evelyn returns in a week with a song about the thrill of a first glance and the intense flush of devotion that follows it. The song spends several weeks on the charts and goes viral after someone creates a Tik Tok dance for it, though none of that matters to sole inspiration for the song: Evelyn’s new cat.

iv.

Her second-ever happy love song is not as commercially successful, but it is inspired by a human being this time. Naomi is brilliant, and funny, and the most talented actress of her generation (according to a Vanity Fair correspondent but Evelyn is inclined to agree). The first time she refers to Evelyn as “the love of my life”, Evelyn spends the better part of a week repeating the moment in her mind.

Naomi really should have thought to mention the caveat.

Three years later, Evelyn laughs at something a precocious child on a television program says and asks, “What would you do if your child asked you that?”

Naomi shakes her head. “Pour myself some scotch and direct them towards their other mom, or dad.”

Evelyn is frozen.

Other mom or dad. Not you. Not the love of her life. Because Evelyn is only the love of Naomi’s life … for now.

Evelyn turns off the television program. “You don’t think we’ll raise children together?”

Naomi looks sheepish. To her credit, she picks her words more carefully this time. “Evelyn … be realistic. I love you so much but - someday I’m going to meet the real thing. You can’t ask me to say no to them for you.”

Evelyn feels the same hot shame she did when she was sixteen and finally accepting that she had no soulmate and never would. This time she won’t cry, not in front of Naomi. “I’m a person. Not your training wheels.”

She moves out the next day.

v.

Dating apps aren’t much different, as it turns out. She has way too many messages from people who assume that being bisexual means she wants nothing more than to fulfill the threesome fantasies of heterosexual couples, and even more messages from people who think that because she is “unmarked”, she isn’t looking for anything serious. To be unmarked is to be written off entirely as a romantic partner, or at least as a serious one.

She deletes the dating app, but not before she posts a screenshot of her DMs to her Instagram with a caption finally addressing the rumors that she is unmarked.

I've always been private regarding the subject, but I owe it to anyone else like me to be more candid about my experiences as someone without a soulmark. Yes — I am unmarked, but not unworthy.

That night she’s flooded with messages from others like her, who thank her and repost her message. It’s humbling and uplifting all at once and Evelyn is guilty that she didn’t do it sooner. She responds to as many as she possibly can.

( One message stands out among the rest:

@ teorror: hey @reyevie​  - if you’re in nyc, my support group would love to have you! we meet at [ …. ] )

vi.

In the end, it’s not another rejection or loneliness or even solidarity that leads Evelyn to finally try talking to others like her.

It’s pettiness, and a lot of annoyance.

A former classmate posts a soulmate announcement on Facebook in which the caption describes meeting her soulmate for the first time as the single most important day of anyone’s life, the center of the human experience.

It makes Evelyn grit her teeth.

She is indignant that anyone would not consider the pain and feelings of inadequacy those words might cause for unmarked youth like the ones she’s received messages from, or her younger self. And she realizes with a pang of regret: it’s not just social media, or dating apps. It’s also the songs that people like Evelyn have written, the films and books that saturate the market that convince everyone that no other kind of love or measure of happiness matters when compared to romantic love.

As much as Evelyn craves it, she refuses to accept that it should overshadow every other aspect of her life.

She scrolls through her messages until she finds the one from @teorror again, inviting her to join his group and decides to show up and prove her point, even if she’s the only one who knows it.

To her initial horror, the group is small. There are only three people there, and Evelyn is just about ready to turn on her heel and walk away rather than join such an intimate gathering when a man bolts from his chair with an overjoyed expression on his face.

“Hey! You actually came!” He goes to her, and offers his hand to be shaked. “Can I call you Ev? Guys! This is Ev! The singer I was telling you guys about? Come on, sit down.”

The man she’s guessing is Teorror (Teo, she’ll later learn) guides her towards the others and the other man produces a chair for her and introduces himself as Rico.

Mercifully, they don’t ask her to introduce herself first or talk first. The woman next to her (Claudia) does, then Rico and Teo. Eventually they all turn to Evelyn.

“You don’t have to share if you’re not ready, Ev.” Claudia says, adopting Teo’s nickname for Evelyn. “The first time can be overwhelming.”

Ev nods, but feels she should try anyway. “I’m Evelyn — and as I guess you’ve figured, I’m also an unmarked.”

Immediately, a shadow crosses over the faces of the others. Evelyn stops.

“We try not to use that word.” Rico says gently and Evelyn can tell he’s taking care to not embarrass her. “It isn’t good to define ourselves by what we don’t have, rather than what we do.”

“Tell us about you. Teo says you’re a singer?” Claudia coaxes helpfully.

Teo offers Evelyn another wide smile. “I used to call myself leftovers. Or spare parts. I thought it was really funny, you know? But they’re right: focusing on what you lack just sets you up for more pain.”

It’s something to think about. She’s back for the session next week.

As the months go by, she sees the group outside of meetings too, starting with a potluck at Teo’s and leading to drinks and mechanical bull rides with Rico, or sightseeing with Claudia. At first she wonders what it might be like to share a soulmark with one of them … to find a soulmate after all … but eventually, she nearly stops thinking of the marks altogether.

Those fantasies end entirely after another night of dancing, as they’re having greasy fast food and Teo slings his arm around her as he tells a story that requires exaggerated facial expressions and wild hand gestures. She laughs and almost misses the moment where Claudia returns to the table with her order and slides her a crispy taco (Ev’s favorite) and Rico picks at the tomato (which Ev’s hates) and places it beside his own burger so that Evelyn won’t have to. They know her well, she realizes, better than anyone. They love her better than anyone …and suddenly Evelyn feels overwhelmed with her love for them in return.

Here is the intimacy she’s been craving her whole life: a love that doesn’t ask her to define herself by it, or insist upon its sole importance. It simply accepts, and gives. 

Evelyn can only wonder why she ever thought this wouldn’t be enough.

[kittykatknits]

Jumping off your amazing Sansa and Sandor meta, do you think Sansa and Tyrion have a possibility of becoming canon? Unlike S*nsan, GRRM seems to like the idea of these two (when Sophie said at Comic Con that they'd be a great power couple, he nodded and smiled) and he did marry them for a reason. If they won't be canon, do you think they'll meet again?

Nope. For starters, I’m about 99.44% certain Tyrion (like almost every POV character) isn’t going to survive, which pretty much negates them becoming canon or ending up together. I also would not read anything into GRRM’s facial gestures on this, he does variants of it all the time. Earlier, when the fandom was smaller, he was much more forthcoming with info but has become much less inclined to do so over the years, so he sure isn’t going to give it away at Comic Con for the tv show.

As for them meeting up again, yes, absolutely.

My current prediction for Tyrion in the books is that he attaches himself to Dany, is with her when she burns Volantis and Pentos, and sails with her to Dragonstone. In Westeros, he will claim CR, which is what Tyrion has wanted as his birthright since the very beginning of the series. However, it will be an empty victory, his niece and nephew will be dead, so will Lancel and Kevan, so will Genna and Devan (this will be after the Freymageddon), and probably Jaime and Cersei too. I hope I’m wrong about the Jaime part though, this is one of my hoped for reunions.

Now for Sansa, her story line has been leading her north and nothing in the gift chapter should make us doubt that is what will be happening. She’ll be outed, she’ll probably marry Harry, and she will go north. Sometime during all this, LF will go down, she’ll get to WF, and finally reunite with Jon Snow. The Harry the Heir marriage is one I’ve argued against for years but the gift chapter and World book pretty much removed my doubts, as much as I dislike it.

For your question, let’s suppose Tyrion lives through the war for the dawn while Harry dies (which he will in canon too), what purpose would it serve? What benefit would either characters gain from it?

I’m not going to spend much time on them falling in love because if this is their idea of an intimate evening meal among newlyweds, well….:

“The pease are overcooked,” his wife ventured once.“No matter,” he said. “So is the mutton.“It was a jest, but Sansa took it for criticism. “I am sorry, my lord.”  "Why? Some cook should be sorry. Not you. The pease are not your province, Sansa.“"I … I am sorry that my lord husband is displeased.”“Any displeasure I’m feeling has naught to do with pease. I have Joffrey and my sister to displease me, and my lord father, and three hundred bloody Dornishmen.”

- Tyrion VI, SoS

So, let’s talk about their marriage as political reunion or a way to bring peace and stability to a war-torn Westeros. The question I would have is, how?

Tyrion is a Lannister, a known kinslayer and a (believed) kingslayer. His marriage to Sansa was meant to be another Rains of Castamere by Tywin on House Stark:

“Why, do you plan to mistreat her?” His father sounded more curious than concerned. “The girl’s happiness is not my purpose, nor should it be yours. Our alliances in the south may be as solid as Casterly Rock, but there remains the north to win, and the key to the north is Sansa Stark.”

“When you bring Eddard Stark’s grandson home to claim his birthright, lords and little folk alike will rise as one to place him on the high seat of his ancestors. You are capable of getting a woman with child, I hope?“

- Tyrion III, SoS

Let’s be clear, Sansa’s body is a tool, a means to an end. This is Tywin Lannister, the man who says there is a tool for every task and a task for every tool. After the Red Wedding, Sansa’s child would secure the north for the Lannisters. Notice that Tywin says nothing about her returning north, only Tyrion and the child. She’s a disposable object.

Robb knows it:

“For Winterfell,” Robb said at once. “With Bran and Rickon dead, Sansa is my heir. If anything should happen to me …”

-Catelyn IV, SoS

It’s the reason why Robb created his will, and if he knows the reason why it was done, be assured all his bannerman do as well. Even Stannis knows it, that’s the reason why he calls her Lady Lannister.

So, how is it beneficial to complete Tywin’s Rain of Castamere on the north and Starks? What good does that do? How does that placate a north that is in the process of tearing down the Boltons and Freys? It isn’t peace, it’s giving Tywin exactly what he wants, and if anyone thinks that is a direction Martin will be taking the story, I’d suggest they dig a bit deeper into the legacies of both Tywin and Ned.

Also, if we are talking about a political marriage, it’s important to note the differences between Tyrion and Sansa. First, we need to remember that Tyrion Lannister on the show is absolutely not the character that appears in the books. The guy in the books is not pushing for democracy and he’s pretty damn sexist.

When it comes to Tyrion Lannister, no matter the book or the situation or the characters on page, his moral compass always, always leads him to Casterly Rock. That moral compass of his is pointing the exact same way, from his first appearance all the way though his last chapter in Dance. It never sways. As for Sansa, her moral compass, how she approaches the world, well “I will make them love me.” It’s the exact opposite to Tyrion.

I’m not going to do a complete analysis of Tyrion’s POV, or his character in this, since it would never end. But, let’s look at a few quick examples.

First, Tyrion says this:

“So what will you do, m'lord, now that you’re the Hand of the King?” Shae asked him as he cupped that warm sweet flesh.“Something Cersei will never expect,” Tyrion murmured softly against her slender neck. “I’ll do … justice.”

- Tyrion I, aCoK

Tyrion says he is going to do justice, but remember, that moral compass is pointing to Casterly Rock.

“A daughter will suffice where there is no son. They shall be treated gently and given high places here at court, so long as their fathers commit no new treasons.”

&

Tyrion glanced toward Sansa, and felt a stab of pity as he said, “Until such time as he frees my brother Jaime, unharmed, they shall remain here as hostages. How well they are treated depends on him.” And if the gods are good, Bywater will find Arya alive, before Robb learns she’s gone missing.

-Tyrion XI, aCoK

Let’s be clear, Tyrion loves his brother dearly and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. However, Jaime is a grown man and a soldier while Sansa is twelve and completely defenseless. At this stage in the story, she’s also been subjected to months of physical and emotional abuse via Joffrey and Cersei. Is the subtle threat to Robb on his sister’s treatment something Ned Stark would do or Tywin Lannister? Does this look like justice?

Now let’s look at a couple nuggets during their marriage. Tyrion goes from this:

What difference did it make? They were laughing at him all the same. The only person in the Red Keep who didn’t seem to find his marriage a source of amusement was his lady wife. Sansa’s misery was deepening every day. Tyrion would gladly have broken through her courtesy to give her what solace he might, but it was no good. No words would ever make him fair in her eyes. Or any less a Lannister. This was the wife they had given him, for all the rest of his life, and she hated him.

- Tyrion IV, SoS

to this:

He made certain not to look at Sansa, lest his bitterness show in his eyes. You might have knelt, damn you. Would it have been so bloody hard to bend those stiff Stark knees of yours and let me keep a little dignity?

- Tyrion VI, SoS

Sansa is miserable and deeply grieving. If you read her chapters during the PW, she is almost suicidal. She’s witnessed her father’s death, been threatened and assulted, beaten, forcibly married, molested by Tyrion, and been told her remaining family has been killed by Lannisters and Lannister allies. Yet, Tyrion is certain her feelings towards him are because of his looks, he never reflects on any of the above. He never makes the connection that Sansa’s feelings towards him are because she understands exactly where that moral compass points. He is a Lannister, he is her jailer. Let’s also never forget, that not once during their marriage, does Tyrion sway on where his loyalties lay. He may despise his sister and nephew, he may hate Tywin even more, but he’s still working to keep them in power. Sansa is very, very aware of this.

Sansa though, she comforts the women during the BBW, she helps Lollys, she offers help to Lancel, she tries to stop the bread riot, she saves Dontos, she prays for Sandor and so many others. I could go on here. But, she does all that, when she has no power and nothing to gain. Sansa acts to make people love her.

Either way, this is a thought exercise. He’s dying, going out in a blaze of glory fighting the others.

As to how they will reunite, I believe it will take place at some point during the battle against the others. It’s important to note, that as smart as Tyrion (and many readers) think he is, the man does not know Sansa at all. He constantly underestimates and dismisses her.

Let’s start with Clash. Here, Sansa gives the perfect lie so she can keep visiting the godswood when he’s on the verge of making her his prisoner in the hand’s tower:

“I would sooner return to my own bed.” A lie came to her suddenly, but it seemed so right that she blurted it out at once. “This tower was where my father’s men were slain. Their ghosts would give me terrible dreams, and I would see their blood wherever I looked."Tyrion Lannister studied her face. "I am no stranger to nightmares, Sansa. Perhaps you are wiser than I knew. Permit me at least to escort you safely back to your own chambers.”

- Sansa III, aCoK

She does it again here:

. “I confess, I know little of the old gods,” he said, trying to be pleasant. “Perhaps someday you might enlighten me. I could even accompany you.”“No,” Sansa said at once. “You … you are kind to offer, but … there are no devotions, my lord. No priests or songs or candles. Only trees, and silent prayer. You would be bored.”

- Tyrion XI, SoS

There is also this:

Either Sansa had been stupid enough to confide in one of her bedmaids, every one of whom was a spy for Cersei, or Varys and his little birds were to blame.

- Tyrion IV, SoS

Sansa had all this figured out in the last book but Tyrion is now coming to it? No way would Sansa talk to her maids, and the fact that Tyrion even considers it, shows us how little he knows her.

Again, Tyrion really does not know Sansa at all:

Does she wish it were her in Margaery’s place? Tyrion frowned. Even a child should have better sense.

-Tyrion VIII, SoS

Every reader knows that she has no wish to be in Margaery’s place. She was assaulted, beaten, and terrorized by Joffrey for months.

So, despite living together in court for quite some time, and being married for a short while, Tyrion really only knows the superficial self Sansa puts forth. She’s beautiful, grief stricken (duh!), courteous, and not all that smart. This is going to be very, very relevant at some point.

Hopefully I answered your question, anon!! Thank you for the ask!

[cherryninie]

false pretenses (iv)

genre | rating: angst & fluff | light M

length: 2088 words

pairing: chanyeol x reader

summary: “they said the price of love is loss, but still we pay. we love anyway”

| part i: he called you thunder | part ii: wrong assumptions | part iii: favourite chaos | part iv: he’s your home

snippet:

“It’s unfair to me, okay?” Chanyeol raised his voice, taking all words from you as you were rendered speechless, “When you say all that, you give me hope! You give me hope that maybe someday, you will finally realize that,” he breathed, “That…” his ears were the colour of crimson by now, “Know what? Forget it.”

“Chanyeol! Hey! Come back here and finish your bloody sentence!”

Thing was, you loved dating. You loved dressing up, going out, and exploring the possibilities of romance, so there’s just something about men bending over backwards to impress you that really got you going. It’s not that you ever needed them to make you feel worthy of yourself, nor were you always down on yourself either, but you enjoyed it immensely because it did wonders to your ego, which according to Chanyeol, was as high as the mountains.

Sometimes, you liked an ego boost, and your ego boost happened to come in the form of men drooling over you and thinking that they could have a way with you even when they really didn’t.

Needless to say, you dated a lot when you were in university, but at the end of the night, it was Chanyeol whom you came home to.

It became sort of a thing between you two. You would go on dates, and when it didn’t go as well as you hoped it would, you would drive to Chanyeol’s apartment and he would let you crash for the night. He would listen to your rants, about how the date was terrible and about everything that went wrong. And he would listen intently every time although your stories tended to get repetitive because it was always the same problem when it came to the guys you dated.

No matter how nice they were, you never wanted to see them for a second date. For some reason, most of the time, you wished the date would end early so that you could see Chanyeol and talk to him all night long.

So, it wasn’t strange when your conversations about your failed dates only lasted for less than five minutes. Your stories about your dates didn’t matter anymore because you always ended up lying on Chanyeol’s bed with him beside you, dreaming about the future, about the time when he would be a well-known musician who wrote songs that inspired lots of people, and you were a school teacher who educated young minds and shaped them into amazing people who would make the world a better place.

You two did this so much that you could even joke about how he was the only person who could understand you, and that you two should marry each other because you believed that no one would complement you as well as he did.

Chanyeol didn’t reply though. He simply chuckled before looking the other way.

All in all, this went on for some time – until that Valentine’s Day when for the first time in your life, you didn’t have a date.

“What’re you doing here?” Chanyeol’s eyes widened in shock when he found you at his doorsteps so early. You always came late at night, so the sight of you at his doorsteps before 12 o’clock was a total rarity.

“I bought movie, and popcorn,” you gestured to the plastic bag you were holding, “Thought you might wanna watch a movie with me?”

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Chanyeol seemed a little confused, but he stepped aside to let you in anyway, “Why aren’t you…”

“On a date?” You finished his sentence for him, shoving the plastic bag to his chest while giving him the sweetest of smiles, “Meh, I didn’t feel like going.”

“Really?” his eyes narrowed, watching you with utmost suspicion. You ignored him as you made your way towards the living room, flopping on the couch and hummed in satisfaction.

God, you loved his couch. Chanyeol had put serious consideration into buying a good couch for the apartment with the money he had saved, working two jobs weekdays and weekends and saving his salary little by little. Back then, you would laugh at his tendency to take such small things like buying a sofa too seriously. But now that you spent a lot of nights here, you were glad that he didn’t go with some stiff, old couch.

You sat, cross-legged on the couch, looking up at him hopefully. You expected him to shrug before coming to sit next to you, but much to your surprise, your gaze was returned with a hesitant one as he was yet to move from the same spot.

“Why? Is there something wrong?” You asked.

“Isn’t it a little selfish for you to cancel a date just because you don’t feel like going? It’s Valentine’s Day, after all. Poor bloke must be frustrated.”

He sounded upset, which for the life of you, you didn’t understand why. It annoyed you to bits, really, because despite being friends with him for two good months now, you still couldn’t quite decipher his attitude. He was always outgoing and cheerful, but there were moments when he was obviously upset, but he didn’t talk about it and kept it all in. You spent all your free time with him, but you still felt like you didn’t know much about him.

You supposed you should tell him that you didn’t have any date to cancel at the first place, but then all that came out of your mouth was, “What’s the big deal? I prefer to spend the day with you anyway. I don’t see the problem.”

“See, that’s one problem.” Chanyeol said, moving to put the stuff you gave him on the table. He ran his hand through his hair, pacing back and forth, as if trying to think of the way to explain to you something you didn’t understand, “You can’t say stuff like that.”

“Stuff like what?”

“Stuff like you wanted to spend Valentine’s Day with me.” He explained, stopping to turn to you, and you realized that whatever he’s saying now, it was something that he had thought about for a very long time, “Or stuff like you wish every guy you dated was me. Or stuff like you think we’d be the best couple because we are good for each other. Stuff like you think we should get married just because you will never find someone who understands you more than I do. You can’t say stuff like that!”

“Why the hell not?”

“You seriously can’t see what’s wrong with that?”

“No!”

“It’s unfair to me, okay?” Chanyeol raised his voice, taking all words from you as you were rendered speechless, “When you say all that, you give me hope! You give me hope that maybe someday, you will finally realize that,” he breathed, “That…” his ears were the colour of crimson by now, “Know what? Forget it.”

“Chanyeol! Hey! Come back here and finish your bloody sentence!” you yelled when he snatched the plastic bag from the table and started making his way towards the kitchen, ignoring you who kept calling him for an explanation.

God, you hated it when he did that.

You didn’t want to do this, but desperate times come for desperate measures. Taking your pocket knife from your bag, you then picked up one of the cushions on the couch, “Chanyeol! Come back, or I swear I will slash every inch of this couch even if that’s the last thing I do!”

He froze in his steps, turning over quickly as he made his way towards you, “No!”

You ignored him, tracing the knife at the cushion like some kind of psycho playing with his victim’s neck.

“Oh my God! You’re bloody irritating, you know that?!” he bellowed, shocking you to the point that you almost released your grip on your knife.

“Oh yeah?” you fought back although your voice quivered slightly from the shock, “So what?”

“So, I should not feel the way I feel for you, okay?! I should not let you consume every bit of my thought until the only person I could think about every day is you! I shouldn’t let you occupy every friggin’ crevice of my thought because you drive me fucking bonkers! I shouldn’t love you the way I do because you are so goddamn irritating! There, I said it! Happy?”

You felt like the air in the world had thickened when he articulated his last words, and your grip on the knife and the cushion loosened. You stared at him in disbelief, jaw dropped to the floor, too numb from shock to even react. He sighed, closing his eyes and cursing to himself. It occurred to you that that was what he wanted to say earlier.

He wanted to say that he loved you.

“Chanyeol…”

“Forget it.” he repeated, his eyes meeting yours and in his eyes, was the look that you had never seen before. It was like it’s a mixture of anger, frustration, sadness and… hopelessness, “Forget I said that.”

Forget he sai- what?

Then, he turned around and made his way back to his bedroom, leaving you standing here, surprised that he would actually walk away from you after saying such things. He actually left you because he refused to deal with what he had said. He left you alone to digest everything, and he didn’t even give you the chance to tell him what you truly felt about him.

Fucking coward.

You were furious, appalled that he would just walk away from you after practically confessing his love towards you. Heaving with anger, you did the first thing you could think of.

You threw your shoe at his head.

“Ow!” he exclaimed before turning around, rubbing the spot where your shoe had hit his head, “What the fuck?”

“You can’t say those things to me and just walk away, you asshole!” you yelled, jumping off the couch to walk towards him. His eyes went wide when he realised how angry you were, and that tears were streaming down your face. His reaction annoyed you so much that you couldn’t help yourself – you started hitting his chest repeatedly, as if he was a punching bag, “You can’t – say – such – things!”

You choked, pausing in your actions. Chanyeol didn’t even budge when you repeatedly hit his chest, which for some reason, brought out more frustration in you, “You can’t say such things! I’d think you meant it!”

At your last word, you gave a particularly hard punch that he winced.

“But I meant everything I said!” he exclaimed, taking both your hands in his as he looked at you right in the eyes, “I love you so much that it fucking hurts, okay? But you wouldn’t know that! You wouldn’t know that because you don’t love me back and that’s oka-”

He didn’t get to finish his sentence as you pulled his head down and kissed him deeply.

He tasted like mint, coffee, and smoke, with just a little hint of sugar. It brought you such comfort and warmth that you could feel love burning in your veins, tingling your spine, taking over your entire being. Having him this close to you reminded you of his sole existence in the past, of how he was always there for you when you needed him – always loyal, and always strong.

You didn’t know when you fell in love with him, but you knew that this love wouldn’t go away any time soon.

You didn’t want it to go away, ever.

His hair felt like silk in your hand, and you let out a moan when he traced his fingers behind your neck and tilted your head up so he could taste more of you. Shivers went down your spine when his other hand wrapped around your waist, pulling you closer to him as he deepened the kiss.

“I think,” he said between kisses, “We’re done playing, yeah?”

You didn’t reply. Instead, you hoisted yourself up and wrapped your legs around his waist, caressing his sharp jaw and admired his handsome feature before kissing him again. You could feel his smile as he took you to his bed that night. This time, you two didn’t spend the night talking your ears off. Instead, between those tangled sheets, you two learnt each other’s body, tracing every inch of each other’s skin, making up for lost times when you two denied each other’s feelings.

You two made love that night. He held you in his arms when he was about to go to sleep, his thumb tracing your hand as he looked at you with utmost admiration in his eyes. As if he couldn’t believe that you two did what you just did.

When he closed his eyes and you thought that he was already asleep, you told him that you loved him too.

And he heard every single word.

[marvelousaddiction]

Rules: Once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about you. At the end choose 25 people to be tagged. 

I was tagged by @pheonyxstorm

LAST: 

Drink: Last thing I drank was a coke, last alcoholic beverage was Gentlemen’s Jack (but I may have regular Jack tonight)

(btw Tay, try Irish Trashcan, optional but add strawberry sour straw candy)

 Phone Call: My momma lol 

Text Message: @ceobryce

Song you listened to:  Rammstein - Feuer Frei! (and Victorious a Breezy original)

Time I Cried: two tears in the shower, I missed the breakdown this time and I took care of myself so yeah...

HAVE YOU EVER: 

Dated someone twice: nope

Been cheated on: twice 

Kissed Someone and regretted it: yep, four people.....well....yeah four

Lost someone special: yep, some of them died, and one of them is still alive but I wish her the best still

been drunk and thrown up: yes, twice, but only a little bit each time  and I’ve never really had a hangover, only maybe a mild headache when I wake up, I barely notice it 

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

Made a new friend: I’d like to say so 

Fallen Out of Love: no

Laughed Until You Cried: all the time like (almost) errday

Met Someone Who Changed You: no, not really, but people I have always had I’ve come to some realizations about leading to changes in myself, example, I drink sometimes now

Found Out Who your true friends are: mhm, I always constantly play it safe in this department because of my past

Found out someone was talking about me: honey, listen, people been talking about you since you came into this world and they gon’ talk about you after you out of it. (at least you're on their mind) 

GENERAL:

How many people in Tumblr do you know in real life?: @ceobryce @wolfsilverlight @leftzombiepenguin @brayamac @violet-soulkeeper17 @talonvictor @oneshoeshort (and Megan, I have to find her name and edit this lol)

Do you have any pets?: Yep. Dusty Leroy (my last name), Simba Sophia (my last name), Angel Clemingtine (my last name), Bobby Lee (my last name) and Loli (Lolli) Pop (my last name) 

Do you want to change your name? : First name,no, it made Papa proud I was named after him, Middle name, yes until this past june because I was the only kid of my dad’s kids (and grandkids) without the middle name Marie but in June something happened that changed my mind so I thanked my mom for naming me Irene. Last name, eventually lol, yknow marriage and shiz

What time did you wake up this morning: 6:00

What were you doing last night: laying in bed, talking to @browneyedhunter and ignoring what was going on outside my bedroom or trying with all my might and failing 

Name something you cannot wait for: Just one thing, other than actually starting my life (long ass story), tonight (giggidy), the black panther movie and april fools day to take a day trip to Raleigh and see Kevin Hart (if life allows) and down the line a little bit, to be a mom 

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?: not to my recollection, but yes in my dreams, Tom Hiddleston is a amazing man 

What’s getting on your nerves right now: nothing really at this moment, i guess being a female has terrible timing 

Blood type: blood? red? 

Nickname: Nerd, Short Person, BabyGirl, Jess, Jessie, Jessie Jess, Angel, there are so many 

Relationship Status: Happy 

Zodiac Sign: Cancer (June 25)

Pronouns: She, her, I am a cis girl lol but I will proudly respond to Dude, Bro, Bruh, Broski

Favorite Show: Obviously Supernatural is number 1, top 3 are Supernatural, Sherlock, and probably Penny Dreadful (but I have many favorites)

College: Not yet, I took a placement test and such but I am trying to get things straight first. Fingers crossed, within the next year or so I can start. I took some CP/ college class in high-school, there was one, Physcology, where  the professor actually came and taught us and I did well in that also I think I made like a high Cor a B but with the history class they gave us a book, popped us in front of computers. I tried, I really did, but I also did something there that I never did in school before, I tried and couldn’t learn anything (that is when the computers actually worked) and it was just boring so I got fed up basically said fuck this shit and failed on purpose. My education currently is K4-graduating from high school with a diploma. I actually love learning so please don’t misunderstand, I hated school, but I still tried my best and did pretty well and never flunked a grade level or anything, I was also that person everyone hated for reminding teachers of homework when they forgot it because I was the one that, not exaggerating, had mental breakdowns doing it. In highschool there is/was a notorious teacher that everyone hated, literally, someone keyed his truck, but, he saw how hard I worked and such and he actually became like my best friend and I may have been a teacher’s pet but he and my other math teacher my senior year were my best friends. Okay long unnecessary rambling sorry 

Hair Color: brunette, naturally, will eventually be black I know for certain. However, I colored it black once years ago, and in highschool I bleached my bangs so they were blonde, about two years ago but longer I put blue where the blonde was and that faded to teal, then i put red streaks throughout my hair when that was gone. Its been natural for a long time 

Do you have a crush on someone: yes. celebrities, obviously, but there is one man on campus i sware i cant take my eyes off of lol. My babe,marie, and I have a whole private joke thing about it. He is known as Superman, you had to be there

What do you like about yourself: this one is really hard, honestly. It varies but I guess....I mean, my sweatshirt I am wearing now? that count? Oh! I can drink and not become my big sister, despite having to convince myself of that. It is complicated and my eyes too lol 

FIRSTS:

First Surgery: it was getting my tonsils taken out when i was like maybe 5 or 6

First Piercing: ears, although i was never really able to wear earrings because of a reaction but they are closed now. I’m really thinking about getting my belly button pierced

First Sport You joined: there was the time when I was little and wrestling my dad, but that career ended when I kicked his nose/mouth and they swole, and the time I played football as a baby at my moms old family church but I bit my evil cousin? do those count?

First vacation: I don’t know if I ever had a vacation but I know my first time leaving home for a trip we went to Virginia, then Pittsburgh PA, then Niagra Falls NY

First Pair of Sneakers: I am willing to bet were hand me downs or from dollar general or a thrift store

Right Now: 

Eating: Nothing at this second

Drinking: Nothing at this second but later Jack & Coke/soda  and going to taste green apple Crown Royal with sprite,supposedly tastes like Jolly ranchers 

I’m about to: respond to @browneyedhunter, shes been waiting while I typed all of this and hopefully tonight......uh giggidy 

Listening to: keys typing and Jimmy’s snoring behind me 

Want Kids: in the future, someday, yes, very much 

Get Married: maybe, I’ll see if life let’s me but people say Jimmy and I are married. By people I mean my 62 yr old parents and his grandad, and his mom 

Career: I really want one someday, but, we have talked, and we would both be alright with being a SAHM too. Right now, I don’t feel like I am doing my part despite what everyone says; but as long as I feel like I am doing that, I am good

SO TIREED!!! SHOULDERS HUUURURRTT 

Lips or Eyes: who’s?

Hugs or kisses: again, who are we talking about?

Shorter or tall: I am shorter than everyone, @emoryhemsworth knows what I mean since we are both 4′9

Older or Younger: I have a thing for older guys

Romantic or Spontaneous: both

Sensitive or loud: those things don’t always necessarily correlate 

Hookup or Relationship: Relationship. Unless it is another girl’ then I couldn’t do a relationship unless it was Poly

Troublemaker or Hesitant: hesitant af 

Have You Ever:  

Kissed a stranger: no, that is how disease happens. Unless...I guess Jimmy was technically a stranger when I met him and we kissed 

Drank hard liquor: the hardest thing I have found I actually like is whiskey or Irish Trashcan 

Lost Contacts/ glasses: nope

Sex on first date: believe it or not i have only ever done it with one person

Broken someone’s heart: I think I broke Faith’s heart when I told her true things about disney,childhood movies, fairytales etc 

Been arrested: no, my parents have though XD

turned someone down: nope

Fallen for a friend: Yup, wish her well but she co go screw herself or that sweet soulles-

DO YOU BELIEVE: 

In yourself: most of the time, no

Miracles: yes, because of I have lived through some, many of them 

Love at First sight: i guess 

Ive tagged people lol, I am done 

[clownmoontoon]

was tagged by this good nerd egg @arr-jim-lad♡

My last:

Drink: water

Phone call: pizza hut \(ouo)/

Text message: omg i havent sent a text in years unless skype counts but i think this just means phone u_u

Song you listened to: London by Benjamin Clementine (omg what a melancholy song to list)

Time you cried: WHILE WATCHING MY HERO ACADEMIA SO MUCH CRYING I LOVE ALL MIGHT AND DEKU

Have I ever:

Dated someone twice: nop

Kissed someone and regretted it: nope they have all been good smooches U3U

Been cheated on: no

Lost someone special: do doggies count ;;

Been depressed: sighs yes

Gotten drunk and thrown up: ew no i cant stand the taste of most alcohol anyway haha

Three favorite colors: RAINBOWS oh thats more than three...theennn pink, blue, and neon green!! \(ouo)/

In the last year you have:

Made new friends: uh...no i dont think so :0c had all my friends for more than a year i think! THATS AWESOME OMG IVE NEVER HAD FRIENDS FOR THIS LONG \(QUQ)/

Fallen out of love: not w a person but w like..tv shows and stuff //gazes longingly @ classic simpson eps and sighs

Laughed until you cried: YES

Found out someone was talking about you: //LAUGHS WELP YEAH

Meet someone who changed you: i do not leave the house :0

Found out who your friends are: ??? how do you have friends but dont know who they are i dont get it??

Kissed someone on your Facebook list: whats a facebook

How many of your Facebook friends do you know irl: WHAT IS A GODDAMN FACEBOOK

Do you have any pets: 3 precious puppos UuU/

Do you want to change your name: dont think so!

What did you do for your last birthday: stuffed my face w sushi like a got damn animal LIKE A BEAR SNATCHING SALMON FROM THE FALLS just shoving them in my snoot w my bear claws i love sushi and its usually only a birthday treat >:0c

What time did you wake up: 9 am \(ouo)/

What were you doing at midnight last night: messing w my stamps on my da page i think, I CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY STAMPS

Name something you cannot wait for: *HEAVY BREATHING* NEW HERO-ACA EPS

When was the last time you saw your mom: she is on the couch adjacent to me watching tv

What are you listening to right now: tv, so you think you can dance is on but honestly after watching jlo’s world of dance this show kinda pales in comparison THEN AGAIN JABBAWOCKEEZ LOST TO A BUNCH OF TEEN BOYS IN KHAKIS SO IDK WHAT THE FUCK

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: no

Something that is getting on your nerves: my hunger

Most visited website: i bet its deviantart tbh >:0c

Hair color: PINK \(OUO)/

Long or short hair: kinda in between atm? to my shoulder, whatever that counts as

Do you have a crush on someone: YES, MY LOVE OFC \(OUO)/

What do you like about yourself: my sense of humor and how much my art has improved in just a year!! \(QUQ)/

Blood type: A+

Nickname: moon! \(OUO)/

Relationship status: happily taken and totally in love UuU/

Zodiac sign: aquarius

Pronouns: she/her/they i guess but i wont get offended if you call me “he” i’ll p much only be offended if you call me “it” HAHA

Favorite Tv show: shows im currently actively watching atm which are total faves are: my hero academia, steven universe, my little pony, and bob’s burgers \(ouo)/

Tattoos: SOON

Right or left handed: right

Surgery: ive never done it, and dont recommend anyone coming to me for surgery tbqh

Sport: i run in the mornings!

Vacation: isnt that the thing people w money do

Trainers, sneakers or tennis shoes: shoes

More general:

Eating: pasta, pizza, sushi, and chicken sandwiches from wendy’s probably

Drinking: mostly water, the occassional coke if im feelin it, the very rare vanilla coke if i feel like treating myself UuU/

I’m about to: eAT

Waiting for: MY HERO-ACA PLS COME BACK

Want: F O O D AND ANIME

Get married: ye some time

Career: freelance artist uwu)7

Which is better:

Hugs or kisses: WHY NOT BOTH \(O3O)/

Lips or eyes: always eyes!!

Shorter or taller: taller otherwise i feel like a mom holding a kid’s hand instead of couple-y haha

Older or younger: i wouldve always said older but my bf is actually a year younger >:I

Nice arms or nice stomach: i would never want rude arms or a rude stomach so how am i to choose :0c

Hook-up or relationship: RELATIONSHIPS - GIMMIE ROMANCE GIMMIE FRIENDSHIP I EAT THAT SHIT UP I WANNA HOLD HANDS W EVERYOOONNNEEE

Troublemaker or hesitant: im a clown UoU

Have you ever:

Kissed a stranger: nop

Drank hard liquor: every liquor feels like hard liquor to me haha pls no

Lost glasses or contact lenses: cant lose what you dont have \(ouo)/

Turned someone down: akjfdghsd yes and i feel so bad every time im sORRY

Sex on the first date: uh...trick question...mine and my bf’s first date in person was different than the average “first date” since we had been talking online for months //NOT GETTING DEFENSIVE IM JUST CURIOUS WHAT ARE THE PARAMETERS OF THIS QUESTIONS //SWEATS

Broken someone’s heart: ye u_u

Had your heart broken: ye u_u

Been arrested: no i am a good egg

Cried when someone died: ive never personally known a person well enough to cry when they died i cried a lot when my doggy died tho ;;

Fallen for a friend: ye i cant wait to marry that friend someday hehe >:3c

Do you believe in:

Yourself: I REALLY DO AND IT FEELS SO GOOD TO BE ABLE TO HONESTLY SAY \(((QUQ)))/

Miracles: ye!

Love at the first sight: not really no, more like “infatuation at first sight” haha

Santa Claus: WELL I MEAN HE’S BASED ON A REAL PERSON SO

Kiss on the first date: i just wanna kiss everyone all the time u3u

Angels: ye! \(ouo)/

Other:

Current best friends name: JIM \(OUO)/ //smooches his precious face i love him what a good egg U3U <3<3

Eye color: v dark brown! i have been asked if im wearing black contacts haha

Favorite movie: TOO MANY OH NOO but to name a few; Toy Story, Aladdin, Larry Crowne, Sing, Chocolat, When Marnie Was There, Whisper of the Heart, Spirited Away, Kiki’s Delivery Service.. aND LOTS MORE THIS IS HARD

[academicsapphic]

92 Question Tag

Tagged by @annikki-studies​ thanks a bunch!

LAST:

Drink: always water

Phone call: the pharmacy

Text message: “everyone i know just leaves after sleeping together unless they’re like dating” - me to a GC

Song you listened to: Crushed Little Stars - Mitski

Time you cried: i don’t even remember which frightens me cause i normally cry every five seconds

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: i haven’t even dated someone once 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: i haven’t even kissed someone once 8. Been cheated on: see #6 9. Lost someone special: i don’t feel like i have?  10. Been depressed: it’s my way of life 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: okay so i did drink a punch at my friend’s party and i didn’t get drunk but my body completely rejected it cause i drank half a cup really slowly with water, was completely lucid, and ten minutes later started vomiting. that’s enough liquor for me i shall stick with beer. and im still salty cause i was like i wanna see what its like to be tipsy i wanna let loose and have fun! and my body was like “how about no fun and only puke”. all that to say: yes and no??? DON’T DRINK LIQUOR MIXED WITH JUICE IT’S A DISASTER WAITING TO HAPPEN EITHER DO SHOTS OR DRINK BEER OR DRINK NOTHING

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: purple, certain blues, gray

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: omg so many. ive made shitty ones then i made my actual ones. all you do in college is make friends. 16. Fallen out of love: havent been in it. ive fallen out of infatuation though 17. Laughed until you cried: of course, all the time, my friends are ridiculous 18. Found out someone was talking about you: yeah that’s always a great feeling 19. Met someone who changed you: i’m sure lots of people i’ve met are responsible for who i am today  20. Found out who your friends are: yes, see #15  21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: see #7 GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them why would i add strangers 23. Do you have any pets: a dog 24. Do you want to change your name: not really 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: i think we went to dinner 26. What time did you wake up: like 6 something? not being at college means i have a normal sleep schedule and i hate it 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping i hate summer 28. Name something you can’t wait for: MOVE-IN MOVE-IN MOVE-IN I WANNA GO BACK TO UNI SO BAD 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: about an hour or two ago 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: so many things i cant even list but also im very grateful for my life so like idk 31. What are you listening to right now: HIMYM 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: ?? idk 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: summer, registration, sometimes my family 34. Most visited websites: Netflix, YouTube, Tumblr, Amazon, Vandy’s registration site, and MyFitnessPal

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: my arm, my neck, my chin 36. Mark/s: a lot, birthmarks, scars, places ive burned myself 37. Childhood dream: same one i have now, be a professional musician and performer 38. Hair color: dark almost black brown 39. Long or short hair: long, but recently my hair got cut and i actually really like it short too but for the long run, long 40. Do you have a crush on someone: no life is boring and im giving my feelings a break from getting hurt 41. What do you like about yourself: sometimes my music is good and my eyes are a nice color but i hate everything about me lol 42. Piercings: basic ears 43. Blood type: no idea  44. Nickname: Bree 45. Relationship status: single, as i have been for my whole life, as i will be for my whole life 46. Zodiac: Aquarius

47. Pronouns: she/her  48. Favorite TV Show: Fringe/The Office  49. Tattoos: Nope, maybe someday, something small on my wrist or hand, but probably not cause my pain tolerance is -100 50. Right or left hand: left 51. Surgery: nope 52. Hair dyed in different color: ive gotten highlights a couple times 53. Sport: softball from childhood through high school 55. Vacation: going to myrtle beach next week 56. Pair of trainers: what are trainers?  MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: just made myself dinner (veggie burger with lettuce bun and 100-calorie fries)  58. Drinking: water, obv 59. I’m about to: eat some frozen grapes and do some cardio 61. Waiting for: School to start jesus i wanna go back so bad

62. Want: all my wildest dreams to come true 63. Get married: i like really really wanna spend my life with someone so hopefully that happens someday 64. Career: idk yet. maybe grad school, maybe law school, maybe my music career will take off and ill get to do my passion for a living WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: i wouldnt know cause no kisses yet 66. Lips or eyes: eyes 67. Shorter or taller: for guys, taller, for girls i dont care cause theyre all so beautiful i shant dare have a preference for their anything 68. Older or younger: older but not by a lot 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: i truly dont care i have neither so how could i judge 71. Sensitive or loud: sensitive i love crying and i wanna have a df who cries too  72. Hook up or relationship: not that i could get either, but relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker cause im so hesitant HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a Stranger: no 75. Drank hard liquor: yes it tastes so bad but i stuck through it to try to get drunk  76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: i literally lost my right contact at the beginning of senior year and spent the rest of highschool wearing just my left one. i’m a mess. i’ve never lost my glasses though *knock on wood* 77. Turned someone down: yes which is amazing 78. Sex on the first date: if im going on a date with someone ive probably already known them for a while since dating strangers terrifies me so sure maybe why not  79. Broken someone’s heart: doubt it 80. Had your heart broken: not truly? like ive never been in love but in an infatuation crush sense? literally all the time. i spent all second semester so heartbroken that i was in physical pain for months at a time over this guy i liked so much who had a girlfriend and was also really annoying so it wasnt even worth it. it took a therapy session to get out of it.

81. Been arrested: no my black ass would probably be killed first 82. Cried when someone died: yes 83. Fallen for a friend: I never fall for friends. that’s so weird to me. when i first meet you i’m either not attracted to you so you’re therefore just my friend, or i’m attracted to you and i can’t just like you as a friend so you’re a crush. but i’ve never been friends with someone i liked, i’ve only liked strangers and people i’ve never talked to cause im pathetic. i could never like one of my friends oh my god. when friends like me, i get so uncomfortable i can hardly look at them. DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: honestly i have to cause its kind of hard to let down the only person on your team at all times  85. Miracles: kind of, i believe that everything happens for a reason and the universe/gods have a plan so if something miraculous happens it was meant to happen 86. Love at first sight: i believe in first really strong attraction that turns into love 87. Santa Claus: not anymore :’( 88. Kiss on the first date: definitely, even before the first date who cares  OTHER: 90. Current best friend name: don’t really have a single best friend 91. Eye color: brown 92. Favorite movie: Breakfast at Tiffany’s probably

[sunsetsugar]

92 truths

I was tagged by @featureless-spy!! tyvm this took soooooooo long but it was fun!

THE LAST…

1.Drink: Hot Chocolate

2.Phone call: Dad

3.Text message: Friend

4.Song you listened to: organize işler bunlar - nil karaibrahimgil

5.Time you cried: Yesterday lmao

HAVE YOU EVER…

6.Dated someone twice: eh

7.Been cheated on: No

8.Kissed someone and regretted it: No

9.Lost someone special: Yes

10.Been depressed: ....

11.Gotten drunk and thrown up: Yeah lmao

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

-Pink

-Gold

-Blue

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

15.Made new friends: Yes

16.Fallen out of love: Yeah i think so 

17.Laughed until you cried: pssht ofc

18.Found out someone was talking about you: Kinda?

19.Met someone who changed you: Yeah

20.Found out who your true friends are: Yes!!

21.Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Yeah lmao

GENERAL…

22.How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: i Most of them, but whether im still in touch with all of them or not is another matter lmao      

23.Do you have any pets:  I have a Cat and a horse atm 

24.Do you want to change your name: Not really

25.What did you do for your last birthday: it was my 18th so i had a big fucking fancy dress party it was great.

26.What time did you wake up: 07:00

27.What were you doing at midnight last night: ZZZZzzzz

28.Name something you cannot wait for: This week to be over amright

29.When was the last time you saw your mother: This morning before she went to work

30.What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: I wish i had a better sleeping schedule and be more organised to juggle all my responsibilities better as well as finding time to lose weight

31.What are you listening to right now: Kanatlarim var Ruhumda by nil karaibrahimgil

32.Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yes

33.Something that is getting on your nerves:  ATM its people who dont know anything about my life assuming things about me, or people who like to play the game of “i bet i have it worse than you”, shit leaves me seething

34.Most visited website: Tumblr, Youtube, facebook and AO3 are tabs constantly open

35.Elementary:  ✔

36. High School: ✔

37.College:  Last few months!!

38.Hair color:  Dirty Blonde is the best way to describe it lmao 

39.Long or short hair: Looonggg

40.Do you have a crush on someone: Actually for once i dont think I do, its actually quite liberating

41.What do you like about yourself: There arent many foods i dont like? Like im not picky lmao im easy to cook for

42.Piercings: None cos im chicken shit

43.Blood type: ur mum

44.Nickname: KT??? idk my mum calls me moppet 

45.Relationship status: Ur mum

46.Zodiac sign: SCORPIO

47.Pronouns: She/her

48.Favorite tv show: I honestly havent watched a TV show in foreverrrr but if QI counts then QI

49.Tattoos: I would like to have floral ones around my wrist or smthn

50.Right or left hand: Right

FIRST…

51.Surgery: Never ever

52.Piercing: Nope

54.Sport: the obvious one is horseriding, but up until the age of like 8 i practiced ballet tap and Jazz, and from like 8-11 I did ballroom and latin dance.

55.Vacation: Disney Land Florida!!! I was onyl little n scared of all the people walking in fur suits, I screamed in Goofys face :(((

57.Eating: They should really clarify this shit, is this asking me what i first ate? or what im eating atm? the answer is idk and nothing 

58.Drinking: nothing

59.I’m about to: Take whats hopefully my last driving lesson

60.Listening to: ur mum

61.Waiting for: April to end

62.Want: Everything to Work out fine

63.Get married: ew no thanks

64.Career: Horseriding instructor? thats the short term plan at least

WHICH IS BETTER…

65.Hugs or kisses: idk probably kisses

66.Lips or eyes: Eyes

67.Shorter or taller: Taller but dont really mind tbh

68.Older or younger: ??? can i say same age??

70.Nice arms or nice stomach: ARMS LMAO

71.Sensitive or loud: Loud

72.Hook up or relationship: Relationship pls 

73.Troublemaker or hesitant: Troublemaker!!!! 

HAVE YOU EVER…

74.Kissed a stranger?: No but sounds fun

75.Drank hard liquor?:  Yes

76.Lost glasses contact/lenses?: No thank god 

77.Turned someone down?: Oh my god yeah it was really awkward 

78.Sex on first date?: No thx 

79.Broken someone’s heart?: Not that im aware of lol

80.Had your heart broken?:  Oh Boy 

81.Been arrested?: No

82.Cried when someone died?: Yes

83.Fallen for a friend?: Yes dO NOT RECOMMEND 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

84.Yourself?: eh i mean i tell myself i do lma o 

85.Miracles?: Hot Chocolate

86.Love at first sight?:  eh go for it 

87.Santa Claus?:

88.Kiss on the first date?: Yes

89.Angels?:  wheres that shrugging emoji

OTHER…

90.Current best friend’s name: I dont think i have one ultimaTE BEST FRIEND FOREVER FOR LIFE, ive different friends with varying degrees of trust and I confide in different things with , but if i had to say someone id say my friend Georgia cos we’ve known each other since birth.

91.Eye color: Green? I think? idk somedays they look more blue lol 

92.Favorite movie: Disney’s AristoCats

Tagging: @tahyeung @notnotoday @taekookiesandcream @yoongisnugget @dt-minsuga @literaltae 

[ahopem]

Jude stood in the same place with his back against the locker. Even after the bell rang, he just couldn’t bring himself to move from that spot. It probably would have hurt less getting his ass kicked then hearing what Connor had said to him.  

“I didn’t do it for you”

Connor’s words rang in Jude’s ears. He hated himself for even assuming that someone like Connor would ever do anything like that for him. Jude sniffed and blinked back the tears that were beginning to sting his eyes. The shear humiliation that he had faced in the last ten minutes was enough to last him a lifetime.  

Jude took a deep breath and walked down the hall to his mother's office and knocked gently on the door. He couldn't face going to class. All he wanted to do was curl up in a ball and hide from the world.

“Momma?”, Jude asked softly as he slowly opened the heavy door into Lena’s office. Lena’s head popped up and she smiled her sweet smile that always made Jude feel so loved and cared for. “Hey bubba are you okay?” She said gently.

Jude nodded “Yeah...or no”, he corrected himself quickly “I mean I’m fine I just don’t really feel that well.” he lied. He didn’t like lying to his mom and he knew that he was no good at it but, he knew that he couldn’t tell her the truth it would just make things ten times worse for himself.

Lena stood up and walked around her desk and placed her hand on Jude’s forehead “Oh are you feeling sick?”, she asked him softly.

“I think i just have a headache or something. Nothing serious.” Jude assured her. He wanted to go home but he didn’t want to make her worry. Lena was the kind of mom that worried about little things.

Lena moved her hand to Jude's back “Okay well I'll take my lunch early and take you home in a few minutes.” she rubbed his back and kissed the top of his head.

Jude nodded and smiled at his mom. Jude went almost ten years of his life without having a mother but Lena always made him feel like he had been with her since he was a baby. She made him feel loved in a way that only his sister Callie ever had.

Lena made Jude feel like he was safe. A feeling that he had never known. She didn’t make him feel as though he had to be “normal” she showed him that it is okay to be different. Because of this, Lena was the first person that Jude had ever come out to.  

Jude would never forget that moment. When his mom smiled at him and him that “He was going to make some boy very lucky someday.”  

Lena grabbed her bag and stood up “Alright bubba you ready?”.  Jude nodded and followed his mom out of her office and out to their car.  

“So, if you're feeling better tonight my friend Stef invited us over to have dinner with her and her kids.” Lena said breaking the comfortable silence in the car.

Jude nodded and shrugged his shoulders “Sure okay” he said casually and Lena smiled.

Honestly Jude really wasn’t in the mood to be around anyone but he was willing to suck it up for his mom. He knew that it would just be for a couple hours and then he could go home and think about how stupid he made himself look in front of Connor Steven's not once but twice that day.

~~~

After his mom dropped him off Jude walked into his room and laid down on his bed. He may have faked the whole sickness thing but his head really did hurt from being slammed into a locker. He brought his hand up to gently rub the bump that was forming on the back of his head.  

His cheeks warmed up when he thought about all the people that watched it happen. How Connor had watched it happen.  

“I didn’t do it for you”

Jude sighed and turned his head slightly to look at the clock that sat on his nightstand. ‘Great’, he thought, it was barely one in the afternoon and he had managed to make this one of the most embarrassing days of his life.

And here he thought that the worst thing that would happen today was that someone might notice that he didn’t have time to comb his hair over neatly this morning like he normally did.  

But really Jude knew that no one in his school gave one fuck about how his hair looked. Well except the few friends that he had managed to make in the couple months that he had been going to Anchor Beach.  

During first period his friend Kevin had commented that his hair made him look “pretty hot”. This made Jude blush but he didn’t take it to heart. Kevin always said stuff like that to Jude. He wasn’t gay or anything he just the kind of boy that wasn’t afraid to tell his guy friend’s that he thought they looked hot Jude really liked this about him.  

Jude really liked all of his friends and he was grateful that he had them, especially on days like today. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and went to his messages clicking on Taylor’s name.

‘you hear the news?’ Jude sent.  

It took only a minute for Taylor to reply. ‘?????’

Jude smiled a little. If Taylor hadn’t heard that meant that people weren’t talking about it.

‘I almost got my ass kicked by Chris Anderson today’

‘SERIOUSLY? R u ok?? Do I need to kick his ass???”

Jude smiled again and chuckled lightly. Taylor was about five feet tall and one hundred pounds soaking wet and the thought of her throwing hands with Chris Anderson who had like a foot and half and a hundred pounds on her made him laugh. He knew that’d she’d probably hold her own anyway.

‘Yeah I'm fine don’t worry. He ended up backing off’

‘really why??’

‘Connor stepped in and told him to...’

‘CONNOR?? CONNOR STEVENS??? The boy that you literally never shut up about??’

Jude blushed a little. He didn’t talk about Connor that, much did he? ‘Yes, and shut up I don’t talk about him that much’

‘First of yes you do and second of all that’s amazing J That means that he likes you!!’  

The thought that Connor would ever like him back made him smile but he pushed the idea out of his head. Connor was straight, he flirted with girls all the time in class and besides, before today he had never even said two words to Jude.  

“I didn’t do it for you.” The words ran through Jude’s head once again and he lifted his fingers to text Taylor back.

‘Thanks Tay but he didn’t do it for me he did it so my mom wouldn’t suspend Chris. Something about him missing a game I don’t know but he definitely didn’t do it because he liked me’

‘I’m sorry buddy he’s a dick anyway he can do way better. Do you want me Kev and Claire to come over after school we can order a pizza and talk shit about the soccer team’?

Jude smiled again. He really did love his friends. ‘Thanks Tay I appreciate it but Ive gotta go to a dinner with my mom.’  

‘ugh lame wanna try for Saturday?’

‘Hahaha absolutely sounds good’

‘Text me if the dinner gets to unbearable’

Jude smiled at his phone one last time ‘I’ll probably take you up on that offer’ he sent and put his phone down on his nightstand.

He decided to take his moms advice and rest. A nap sounded pretty good to him anyway. It took him only minutes after he closed his eyes to actually fall asleep and he didn't wake up until his mom hot home a few hours later.

Lena gently knocked on Jude’s door and slowly walked into his room “Judicorn? You feeling better bubba?” She asked.

Jude rubbed his eyes at the sound of his mother's voice and slowly sat up “Yeah mom” he muttered in a voice that sounded as though he was still asleep.

Lena smiled and sat down next to Jude on the side of his bed “You still up for coming with me tonight?”, she asked feeling his cheeks with her hand to make sure he didn't have a fever.

Jude nodded “Yeah I’m fine. I think you were right I just needed to rest a little. I feel a lot better now”  

Lena sighed in relief “Good I'm glad. To tell you the truth I think I might be too scared to go alone”

Jude gave his mom a confused look. “What do you mean why would you be cared?” he asked

A light blush rose on Lena’s cheeks “Well, Stef, the woman that invited us, she is just... very beautiful and smart and confident and funny...”

Jude laughed softly and cut his mom off “And you are like totally in love her.” he teased

Lena smiled and playfully hit Jude’s arm “No I am not.” her mouth said one thing but her smile said something else “I just really like her and she was married to a man for almost 15 years and she has three children and honestly I'm scared that they won’t like me” her smile slowly faded from her face.

“That’s crazy momma who wouldn't like her” Jude gave her a sweet smile “I’m sure that they’re happy that their mom met someone that makes her happy.”  

Lena’s smile returned “What would I do without you” she kissed the top and Jude’s head and stood up off his bed “We’re leaving in about an hour and I got the homework from the classes you missed, you can bring it if you want.”

Jude laughed “You want me to bring my homework? Mom you're such a principle.” he teased

Lena laughed “I just figured if we’re there for a while you could work on it. Besides she has a son that’s in your grade maybe you can work on it together.”  

~~~

Jude played with the buttons on his shirt they drove to Stef’s house. He didn’t like meeting new people. He hoped that Stef’s kids were nice. He also hoped that she was nice.

Lena pulled into a driveway and took a deep breath before looking over at Jude “You ready bubba?”. Jude nodded and got out of the car and started walking with his mom to the door.

Lena rang the doorbell placed a hand on Jude’s back and used her other hand to straighten out her dress.  

“You look great momma.” Jude whisper smiled at her sweetly.

Lena smiled and let her hand fall to her side “Thank you baby” she whispered back and Jude saw some of her anxiety leave her face.

Just then the door opened and a very tall boy was standing inside. Jude had seen him around school he was a year or two older then him and he was on the wrestling team but Jude couldn’t remember his name.

“Hi come in.” The boy said politely and held the door open for Jude and Lena to walk in.

“Everyone’s in the kitchen.” he said and pointed in the direction that Jude was assuming where the kitchen was. The tall boy started walking and Jude and Lena followed behind him.

They reached the kitchen and Jude’s heart stopped beating. Just ten feet in front of him were the two eyes that Jude had not been able to get out of his mind since he first saw them. Jude was staring at Connor Stevens and Connor Stevens was staring back at him.

[christinejvu]

3:13am

Ive been tired since 9pm. But you got me anxious. Then that made my problems flare up and now it’s 3am and I can’t sleep. I really hate insomnia. And the only thing I’m thinking about is you... I love you so much. I hope you never leave. I hope we make it through. And I hope that you really feel the way I do. Because I’ve never felt so at home with someone. I’ve never felt my bones shake from someone’s presence.

Youre my late night thoughts. You’re my morning thoughts. You’re my midday thoughts. Every time i see something or anything really that I want to do with you or reminds me of you. I just think wow. I can’t wait until we can do that together. Because I see the most magnificent and beautiful life together. With you.

I hope that no matter how bad our mental disorders get. How scary and dark and twisted our thoughts consume us. That you know and understand that I love you. I love you.

I Love You.

I thought I’ve felt love before. And I have. In platonic and sometimes romantic ways.

But you. You you’re something else altogether.

You really are my twin flame because I’ve never felt so alive.

Today whiling laying there with you. It felt complete.

All I’ve wanted to do for so long. Was just be with you and hold you and having conversations.

To be there and to hold you and cuddle you is the closest thing I’ve felt to home for honestly as long as I remember.

My entire life I went around moving. And never being in one stable place.

And I never really had a best friend for more than a few years.

I envied everyone. I envy all the people I meet that they at least had someone in this world. And I always felt so alone.

So I desperately seeked out love.

I felt that maybe then I would feel complete. And in this search I made the wrong turns and fell for the wrong people. But finally enough was enough and I got hurt way too many times.

So I gave up. I stopped believing. And i decided to give up on finding a home.

Then finally you came along. Yes sure I dm’d you. But I felt like I had to. I’ve never really tried to slide into someone’s dm’s because that’s not me. Jess i can literally count the amount of people I’ve been with on one hand.

And I can name you every person I’ve ever kissed. Because I don’t like looking for things that are meaningless. I find meaning in the world around me.

This is also how I know and have always known I’ve been clean too. I keep records on what I do. Who I interact with. And I’m just as terrified as you as getting them. I’m scared of fucking up. In any sense of the word.

I’ve made a lot of my mistakes in life but I made them in order to be right for you.

Because for you. I can’t fuck it up. I can’t give up on you if I wanted. And I never knew I could feel this way about someone.

I really thought love was dead.

But then you came along.

But here I am. It’s 3:30am now and I’m deep into my thoughts but I think that maybe if I share this. Maybe if I share with you everything I have. That slowly. No matter how bad the mental disorders we have get. That you can feel a little bit more at peace.

Because you’re my twin flame.

You’re my heart.

You’re my love.

And you’re the one.

In the little time i talked to you before we met. I really didn’t believe you were real. Then you disappeared and again. I was disappointed by life. But then formal comes and there you are. Coming in like a storm and I was right in the eye.

At first I had my doubts because who does that who blocks someone then comes up to them to talk to them. So I was wary. But I knew deep down. I had to talk to you.

So I went back. Asked you if you wanted my gin and tonic because I very much stilldont like them. And from that moment. I started falling for you hard. It felt like as if I was beginning to unravel myself and learn everything about myself and everything I forgot about myself.

You make me feel like. I’m a kid. Like I’m an adult. Like an old man.

You make me simply feel everything and that terrifies me too.

Im not the best with expressing myself and how I feel and how I think because it’s still very dark and twisty. And I can get really lost in them. But I’m trying to do it for you.

I want you to know everything. I want to let you know my entire life backwards and forwards. And understand that my mood swings get fucking nuts. So I’m scared that if I overshare my feelings or thoughts. That somehow I’ll lose you because in the past I let my emotions make problems because I feel everything in extremes. And you only make me feel them even deeper.

Were going to be a mess. We’re going to have our good days and bad days. But at the end of the day we’re going to do it together.

Because I promise you this. That I’m in this for the long haul. I told myself that if someone else ever came along (before you that is) that I’d take it slow and I wouldn’t just jump into it. That I would never again rush into saying that I want to be with someone for the rest of my life. Because before it was out of fear that I would be alone. So I learned how to be alone.

I learned how to love myself and from that I learned what I needed in a partner. Because trust me. Kate was the worst possible person for me oh boy wait til you hear about that someday.

But anyways, yeah me saying that I love you and want to be with you and spend the rest of my life with you. This isn’t some joke. This isn’t some game. This is the real thing.

Im going to marry you and that’s a promise. This promise terrifies me but excites me. Because I know I won’t give up on you so it exites me that I have someone who’s perfect for me to spend the rest of my life with. But it terrifies me because I get so dark and twisty that I a lot of times more than you think, put into my head that you’re just playing me that this isn’t real and you’re just going to leave.

But that’s what makes it real. That here I am. Putting it all on the line and being completely vulnerable to you. Because as many times as you tell me. This isn’t going to work. We should just be friends. It breaks me. But that’s not your fault and you always come back.

I just pray you really do feel the same way about me as I do for you. Because here I am. Here are my thoughts here are my feelings.

Im putting everything i have on the line for you so please be gentle with my heart. It can’t take much more heartbreak.

So I kind of got lost in my thoughts but yeah. No matter what you think or what you feel because of anxiety or whatever it may be. I hope you can think about this longggggg post and know that. I’ll never do anything to hurt you and that I love you so much.

It’s just you and only you sweetheart.

Oops. It’s now 4am. Time to try to deal with the insomnia. Did this seriously just take almost an hour Oops.

Ps. New playlist love.

[the-violent-light-blog]

Faith, Love and Shameful Feelings. A conversation between a Lesbian and a Christian Woman.

The truth is that I’m not sure what to think after our conversation in that little coffee house or the conversation that took place afterwards. It’s been on my mind all week. I was surprised by how you felt about homosexual relationships and even more surprised by your answer when I asked you if you ever had homosexual desires yourself.

That late night in the little coffee house you had me take a quiz that showed me my five spiritual strengths. Most of my answers did not surprise me but one did and that one was faith.

You asked me to elaborate on why it surprised me. I explained that I had never felt the Bible to be the complete word of God, I have never believed every word to be the truth. The only way I could see it giving me that answer was because I am a spiritual person but I don’t have ‘faith’ in the Christian sense.

The biggest reason I’m not a Christian is because I believe it is perfectly fine for two people of the same sex to love each other. In my own life I have seen and experienced same sex relationships that were amazing examples of love and commitment.

You told me that you believe it to be fine if two people have deeply loving committed relationships. You told me you believed that God approves of this. But when I asked you if it was okay for these people to sexually express that love for each other, you answered that it was not okay. That does not make sense to me.

Ive always struggled with believing in the Christian faith, although I was raised in a southern baptist church, it didn’t quite stick to me as an adult. Partly due to the people in the church and how they treated me as a child and the messages I heard every Sunday from the pastor. I’ve known from a very young age that I liked women, I’ve Identified as a mostly homosexual female with some heterosexual desires for quite some time now.

I’ve struggled with that part of myself because I was told that it was sending me to hell, that it was an abomination to God and that I should be ashamed of having these feelings that I can in no way control.

Ive gone through many stages of belief. From not believing in any God to going back to Christianity. Then to believing in God but not necessarily assigning it to any religion. It’s been a long journey and I’m sure it’s not over yet.

I believe in a God that created humans with the capacity to love and to love deeply. I don’t believe that whatever created us would create loving feelings between adults only to demand that we repress them. I also don’t believe God would create us with sexual desires only to tell us we are wrong for ever having them in the first place.

I told you that if someone is lucky enough to find love in this world, to find someone who chooses them over anyone else, then it is not wrong whatsoever for them to express that love with each other. Love is something that no one should deny themselves. It is truly a gift from our creator. It is where I see gods love most vividly.

I stared into your eyes as I said this, it confused me how your face seemed to look sorry, look sad. I couldn’t tell if it was because I didn’t believe in the same God as you, if you felt sorry for me for my being gay or if you were feeling my words and they hit a sore spot inside of you.

You told me you weren’t religious but I don’t know if you quite understand what that really means. You read every word in the Bible and take it literally. That is the definition of Christian fundamentalism. I asked you if you believed Satan was a real being, if you believed hell to be a real place. You wholeheartedly shook your head yes and said absolutely. This gave me a clearer image of the kind of beliefs that you hold. I do not believe the same.

When the conversation came back around to ‘the gay thing’ you tried to tell me about Adam and Eve. You tried to tell me that God intended only men and women to be together in such a way. I told you that I didn’t believe that we were created in a single day from the rib of a single man. You again, looked surprised and perhaps disappointed.

It seems awfully religious to me to believe such a thing, to believe that while God permits loving committed relationships between two men and two women, only man and woman can procreate. Therefore they are the only ones who are allowed to make love to each other. Their parts “fit together” you say, and I couldn’t help but laugh at that.

I wonder then if you’ve ever loved a woman, if you’ve ever been held by one in a way that makes your heart feel giddy. I wonder then if you have ever kissed a woman, ever made love to one. It is a terrible thing to believe that only a man and a woman are permitted by our creator to be in love and make love to each other. I wonder if you’ve struggled against the thing you believe to be wrong.

I wonder too if you are a hypocrite and have had relations with men outside of marriage, if you believe it to be more acceptable than the love two women can share.

You told me you didn’t believe Christians or god ‘condemned’ same sex relationships but I don’t know how one could believe that. To say that it is a sin and is referred to as an abomination in gods eyes certainly feels like condemnation to me. The answer you gave was that ultimately it would be something I’d have to contend with personally.

I was left feeling anxious and buzzing from the conversation. I was left feeling disappointed that you held such feelings inside of you, that perhaps your mind was not as free as I previously believed. Yet still the time between us in that little house on that small green couch passed unnoticed, it was relief to share these thoughts without anger between us. That’s what I normally encounter with people who believe as you do.

When we left, it was nearly midnight. When you were struggling to navigate us through the city streets, through the night walkers, through the women in tight dresses and high heels, I wondered if you ever struggled with the feelings that I do. If you’ve ever loved a woman and felt ashamed because of it.

I decide to ask you but it takes me a moment to build up the courage, for the right moment. At a red light I look over at you, the light glowed on your face. I was reminded me of your beauty despite how i felt about our conversation. The gentleness of your eyes and the ultimate softness of your heart reminds me why I loved you in the first place. “Have you ever struggled with desires for women?” I asked you suddenly. You turn to me “why do you ask?” You said smiling, it should be obvious from the conversations we’ve been having. “I’m just curious, if you’ve ever had any gay thoughts or experiences” I ask you.

You are surprisingly silent for a moment, I can feel that you struggle with wether or not you should answer me. “I wouldn’t say it’s something I struggle with, does that answer your question?” You said.

“Not really. Have you ever had an experience, have you ever had gay thoughts?” I asked you again. I was surprised how hesitant you were to share. This is something you’ve never done with me.

We’ve talked about relationships you’ve had with men in the past, talked about them at all hours of the night. We talked about how close you came to marrying one of them even but this… you won’t budge.

“Maybe we can talk about it someday” you say finally. I don’t know what to say to that other than “Why not now?” My gay little mind has a hard time wrapping around this answer, I don’t understand why you suddenly don’t want to talk about it.

“It’s a long long story, I just don’t want to get into it right now. One day we’ll talk about it” you tell me. I sit in silence for a long moment, my eyes taking in the beautiful buildings around me as you still struggle to navigate the streets. “In a nutshell?” I asked after some time had passed. You laughed at me, you still won’t budge. I still don’t understand.

“You know I’ll be thinking about this the rest of the weekend and bothering you until you tell me, right?” I asked her, half joking because it really was true. “It’s just a really long long story” you kept saying.

This has never happened between us. Everything you’ve asked I’ve shared. The only time I hadn’t was when you asked me what I was thinking one evening. I had just shared my Shame in getting blacked out drunk the week before. I didn’t answer because I was thinking of you and how my feelings for you make me incredibly sad. I don’t know what to do about it so I get drunk sometimes. I wasn’t about to tell you that. The last thing I want is to scare you away.

You’ve never denied me an answer to a question. Not about men, not about your family, yourself, your mistakes but this gay thing, you won’t talk about. WHY?

I thought about it the rest of the way home, I didn’t bring it up again because you told me you wanted to sit down and explain it when you didn’t have any distractions. So I waited until we were alone at your home, till your room mate had gone to bed and I could ask you without an audience.

You all but told me to stop asking you. You laughed at me again and told me “it’s not that I’m opposed to sharing, it’s just that I don’t want to get into it at 1 in the morning”.

I tried not to feel strange about it, because I could understand to some degree why you are reluctant to share. We had just gotten finished talking about same sex relationships that you believed God didn’t approve of. You are a very religious woman wether your believe that to be true or not.

“Were you young?” I tried one last time, I wanted some kind of answer because my mind was whirling with all the possible answers, stories or excuses you would give me.

“We’ll talk about it one day, okay?” You said finally and in such a way that I knew it was time to back off.

“So I’ll take that as a yes, you have had gay thoughts?” I say one more time, you laugh and relent. “I think we all have” I say and you nod in agreement, “I think so too”. That’s not something a truly straight woman says but I wasn’t going to tell you that.

That was the end of that. No matter how much I wanted to ask you again, I didn’t because I didn’t want to force it out of you if you truly didn’t feel comfortable sharing yet.

That night; before I went to your guest room to sleep I hugged you extra hard, I could feel our heartbeats next to one another, I wasn’t sure if it was my heart racing or yours. You sometimes make a sweet sound when I squeeze you harder and hold onto you longer. I relish in feeling you in my arms, I look forward to these moments every evening I stay over. “You give good hugs” you tell me. I let out a breath, kind of like a laugh and joke that I could fall asleep with you like this. It was true, I could and I wish like hell that we could. I know I’d sleep better than I ever have.

When I’m alone and I have time to process the evening. My mind wonders what it is you aren’t willing to speak of yet.

I had always told myself if my love for you ever came up, that I loved you more than I should, I would tell you almost exactly what you’ve told me. “Maybe that’s something we can talk about one day” mostly because I’d be too darn afraid of what your reaction would be. If you would suddenly believe the best thing you could do for me was to stop talking to me completely. I couldn’t stand it if it came to that. I’ve had opportunities to tell you but my fear won’t let me speak it. I’d give the same answer you gave me.

I don’t necessarily feel that’s what this is from you, but I wonder if these gay thoughts you’ve had were about me, and perhaps because You’re in your fifties, I’m in my twenties and the incongruous fact that we are family by law would scare you even more than perhaps under normal circumstances. Perhaps you aren’t quite sure how I’d receive it either. I’ve given hints but perhaps you don’t believe someone as young as myself would desire someone your age, but you don’t know how wrong you’d be.

The thought also occurred to me that you perhaps had an experience with a close friend, perhaps your best friend and she went on to marry a man, to have his children. While you never married and never had children. Perhaps it was someone I’ve never even heard about, perhaps she broke your heart and left you with feelings of shame.

Years ago I had heard through the grapevine that you were a lesbian. This is not something I’ve ever shared with you and I don’t believe I ever would. I know how hurtful it can be to hear that word used negatively. I don’t even like calling Myself a lesbian, people like to throw it in your face.

This had come from your brother, whom you have never been very close to and from what you’ve told me he was on drugs and not living life well for awhile. So I had eventually, after spending so much time with you believed him to be lying. Until that evening after the coffee house conversation.

You’ve only ever talked about men, even when I’ve brought up my sexuality on multiple occasions, talked about women I’ve dated, the women who broke my heart. The female friends in my life that have a strength of love for each other I’ve seen in no one else but them. You mostly said nothing when i talked about them, and perhaps now I know why.

Now your silence speaks to me more than your words. I notice more than I had before. I pick up on more subtleties of conversation between us now. Now the way we look at each other, certain things you say to me, the way you touch me, makes me wonder.

Perhaps it is me or perhaps my openness and lack of shame and religiousness makes you feel differently around me, perhaps less ashamed of your own feelings. You probably don’t have anyone consistent in your life that doesn’t give a damn if anyone thinks it’s okay to love whomever they want, I refuse to feel ashamed of the love I feel, even the love I feel for you.

It’s hard for me to decipher you. Especially because my own mind is usually preoccupied with thoughts of you, us together in the future, the two of us entangled in your bed… so my believing that you might feel for me too is probably my own mind hoping you would. I try not to invest much into that theory. Or any, because you have given me no hint.

I’ve bounced this conversation off of my friends and they all come to the same conclusion, you are repressing a part of yourself. Perhaps you had your heart broken, some woman fucked You over or made you feel ashamed of the feelings you have and they brought you to where you are now.

Now I wonder, you tell me you were only recently an affirmed Christian woman, you’ve only recently come to believe truly and without doubt that Jesus is your lord and savior within the last 10 years.

It’s been almost ten years since I’ve heard this information about you being a lesbian. I wonder if it is the reason you’ve clung to God so fervently since.

All I can hope for is that one day you will feel that you trust me enough to tell me this secret you’re so reluctant to share.