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headofhelios · 3 years ago

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Ok I am a single follower but I like hannibal tv but would enjoy ur movie thoughts I like some of the books too and have been meaning to get around to the movies 😳😳

OKAY I'M EDITING A READMORE ONTO THIS LOL I REALIZED THATS SOMETHING I CAN DO! so now my incredibly waaayyy too long answer abt my thoughts on 2002 will is under there. apologies bc this is less "movie thoughts" and more "2002 movie will thoughts" but well thats how the chips fell

GOD okay sooo for the record i am reading the red dragon book and am like 7 or 8 chapters in and full transparency im not like. enjoying it lol. the book pisses me off with its misogyny (all the women in it are either dead or it feels like you're supposed to think theyre Selfish Bitches or theyre just there for like. bizarre and uncomfortable sexual moments like the guys talking abt that woman in the elevator, or that one part of mrs. leeds diary which is like. i guess could be there to Show Her Humanity or whatever but 1. there are more ways to do that 2. the book doesnt seem particularly concerned with her humanity considering she's barely even given a first name and so far the novel hasnt seemed to disapprove of how will thinks of her as a possession of her husband) and its inconsistency with will's most important character trait or whatever (he's so intensely, extremely empathetic towards EVERYONE, even serial killers, which makes him really good at finding them! and he can never turn this off, to the point where every time he has a conversation with someone, he ends up mimicking the way they talk, even if he tries to stop! but also he never empathizes with the victims or HIS OWN FUCKING WIFE? HELLO? so it really feels less like "extremely strong empathy for everyone that he cant control" and more like "he can empathize with serial killers extremely well and also other people if we want to Make A Point in one scene instead of letting the point show through the whole book") BUT UHHH ANYWAY. MOVIE THOUGHTS. THE MOVIE THOUGHTS YOU ASKED FOR COMING RIGHT UP!

okay this is what i am worried will either 1. draw annoying tv will graham stans to my blog like flies or 2. end with me being hanged in the town square BUT. it must be said. i prefer 2002 red dragon will graham to tv will graham. and quite frankly? so far? i think 2002 red dragon will graham is better than book will graham. i cannot lie.

my reasoning: because 2002 will actually empathizes with more people than serial killers and his boss! y'know! like you'd assume someone with constant extreme empathy would! the difference between the first scene with molly in the book vs in the movie are SO striking to me now that i've read that part of the novel. in the novel he seems very... rough, i guess, and like he doesnt care about molly's worries. he doesnt seem to see things from her perspective, which especially feels like a kick to the gut because MOLLY! SEES! THINGS! FROM! HIS! PERSPECTIVE!!! she literally empathizes with him more than he does with her! what the fuck! MEANWHILE in the movie, he does seem to care about her. his assurances that he wont get too involved seem like assurances rather than him trying to get her off his back. he hugs her and tells her he loves her and i actually believe that yeah, he loves her, he knows she's worried about him, and he wants to comfort her and ease her worries. and the victims! AGAIN such a stark difference to me! in the book, will is like... uncomfortable empathizing w the red dragon, of course, but he doesnt seem to empathize with the victims all that much, ESPECIALLY not the women. he doesnt care about them. he sees them as possessions belonging to their husbands and its so fucking gross. despite already suspecting that the red dragon chooses families based on the women, he decides to waste time focusing on the husbands as a way of "asking permission to look at [their wives]." what the fuck? meanwhile in the film, he feels for the victims so much that he can barely even say that the kids were shot in bed! when he watches the tapes, he focuses on the women! because that's his fucking job!!! and we see him empathizing with them! wow!!

siiigh okay im gonna stop talking abt the book vs the movie now bc again im only like 8 chapters or so deep. but now we come to tv will vs. 2002 will, which is admittedly gonna be more subjective and part of that it bc i cant remember a whole lot of specifics from the show bc my memory is Very Bad. but anyway

let's get the shallow stuff out of the way. yes i prefer ed norton's face to hugh dancy's. call hugh dancy "gender" or whatever have your fun i support you and your right to call any blood covered man a gender but by god is that not even REMOTELY my experience. next shallow thing to get out of the way: ed norton's line delivery is like music to my FUCKING ears compared to hugh dancy's i am so sorry. like the jokes about will shaking like a damp chihuahua before taking 5 minutes to stutter out "he's killing them....... On Purpose, jack." are funny and all but christ i had SUCH a hard time watching the show bc of that im not lying. literally hearing 2002 will just say "he's not keeping them. he's eating them." nice and quick, matter of factly is better than well im actually gonna end that sentence there but you get the idea. like YESSS you little blonde bitch get to the point i love you!!!

OKAY NOW less shallow points but also less uhh idk man i just dont remember a lot of hannibal. but basically: after seeing how caring 2002 will is, i'm kind of... idk i'm just so over tv will and how abrasive and harsh he is in comparison. like i fell in LOVE with how vulnerable 2002 will is, how he feels like he cares deeply about the people around him (and honestly... idk i cant remember a moment in the hannibal tv series that made me feel the way i felt when 2002 will can't say "the kids were shot in their beds". it's like... yeah this is a guy who feels so deeply for everyone around him at all times. i believe that.) and i just dont remember getting that same feeling from tv will. i have been gently spoon fed the most excellent chocolate pudding and everything else in my memory is just a snack pack. i guess tv will has those moments (what comes to mind is when he brings gideon to hannibal's house and is crying and he says "please dont lie to me") but idk they just didnt really do for me what 2002 will does. and then their scenes with reba! wow! i rewatched the tv version after watching red dragon, bc the film version made me tear up, meanwhile the tv version i barely remembered and i wasnt sure if that was just bc of the different mindsets i was in while watching them or what. and ok i just rewatched the tv version again and like... yeah. it's the wills lol. i LOVEEE tv reba SO much she is giving everything in that scene!! she sounds so like... broken, both bc of dolarhyde's apparent suicide and bc of finding out who he was + what he was doing, she sounds so fragile and guilt ridden! she's amazing!! but will. idk. tv will's delivery just seems... idk this feels dumb to say but it sounds like writing. i admittedly LOVE the line "people who study this kind of thing say that he was trying to stop because you helped him." and his delivery there is good. but between tv "you didnt draw a freak, you drew a man w a freak on his back" and the 2002 version, the 2002 delivery seems more genuine while the tv delivery sounds rehearsed. idk overall the 2002 version of that conversation just makes me feel more? its like. idk i can feel the 2002 version gently holding my heart while the tv version is a scene that is nice in h/nnigram gifsets or w/e.

umm ok this is already suuuper long and my brain is getting a bit mushy so i'm gonna start wrapping it up lol. i'll probably compare book will and 2002 will again after i finish the book, and then i miiight rewatch hannibal, or at least parts of s3. but right now my thoughts are basically: book will is a fucking dick who has an easier time empathizing with serial killers than with his wife. tv will is a nothing girl after being so completely catered to + also idk he doesnt have the same fragility that i want from my wills now. and 2002 will is my little caramel apple. he has this delightful vulnerability and feels like he cares so much and empathizes with more people than serial killers and his boss and 4 people in a diner for one scene! 2002 will made me care about will graham! which is honestly kind of a feat!

#long post #like so so so long #my condolences anon and also anyone following me who doesnt want this on their dash #but yeah 2002 will is my booboo bear my cinnamon swirl coffeecake my little heavensent angel #and ed nortons performance made me feel more than hugh dancy's #i think ed norton does a really good job at giving his characters that kind of vulnerability and i LOVE that!!#like yeah whatever 'you're gat arent you dont you just think hes hot' sure say that but also like #have you seen him in primal fear? its a movie thats a firm Its Complicated for me but his performance is so good and he feels so vulnerable #and even in fight club and kingdom of heaven i think he gets that in there! idk i genuinely think he's a good actor #personal #red dragon #if im writing an essay i may as well put it in my tags #asks #anonymous #<- FORGOT TO ADD THOSE TAGS. anyway #EDIT: NOW FEATURING A READMORE LOL.

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queencryo · 6 years ago

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@silly-go-round is asleep right now.

i guess i should make a journal for the past few days. as good a time as any. as AMY. heh. cuz shes super good and amazing. heh.

uh...... lessee.... for the two days after the last journal i just. hung out at the house while silly worked. i managed to not keep her in bed and make her late the second day. hung out a lot, watched more adventure time, worked on my tumblr filter script (lie. i judt ran it on my main. 200 posts / day is a bitchhhh) , played a good amount of ds3 (to pointof tetris effect at a couple points the nexg few days)

also did some like. helpful tasks. washed some dishes (undone quicklu, but. eh). not enough, mot as much as i shouldve, but... i tried i guess.

alao we've like. said the same thing at the dame time a Lot while ive been here and its like. nice. its really nice. same wavelength! i feel so close go her.

oh! alxo night before last we went grocery shoping. got food for prolly enoygh for the two weeks, but i guess we'll see. also a cheesecake! it was.... echausting. hily fuck it was exhaysting. jesus. the store was big and it took like 3 hours and $200 to get everything but. we did itttt.

we both mentionef that like. it felt nice to like. have a full fridge 2gether. cuz. it feels like were gonna have a futjre togetjer? u know. like that is. i love her a lot and it feels good for this to feel like a home for a little while. we hope that it can be so in tbe future.

so YESTERDAY she finally FINALLY taught me how to play magic the gathering. it was. a long time coming. but she brought me into the store and like. sat me down w some regulars and had me play commander. i played moooostly her snake deck, so like.that was fun!! i kept talki g about how i woulda gotten lorescale Coatl up to 39/39 and flying, had i like. gotten q more turn. but on that game D was running a mill deck that was. extremely long to play (that game took like ~>2 hours ugh), and was very bery annoying, so i didnt get to actually do that.

but it was fun! part of me wants to blog everything, but i dont think i will.

im glad to be able to use silly's decks, bc i dont think i want to make my own. im considering making a cheap angel deck or smth, but we'll see if yhat actually ends up happening.

i also met her girlfriend Iz, who is sweet. i played magic w her fkr a while, which was fun! she was runni g an annoying mono black deck (i kkow all these... these Terms and Words now, its incredible...)

shes sweet and i think i like her. dunno if enough to date yet (which makes me Partially regret flirting w her so much in the groupchat but. hey)

talked w her some, mostly about magic, hung out while silly closed the store, pet her cat, silly discovered that cyddling w TWO girlfriends is very nice (not rhat id know ;;;;;;;), was good times. i dont think im as comfy w izzy physically yet as i may have implied in messages, which hopefully wull be rectified by the message i just sent her (my initial physical comfort with people varies, it depends very much on the person)

skip forward, me and silly make a pizza at home cuz were fuckin tired, she admonishes me for not eating for uh... like 11 hours or smth (that mornings bagel was VERY good tho omg), but adderall, so like... meh.

uh... i dont think anything else on yesterday...

today! we waaamted to go to the store at like. 2. but in actuality got there at like! 330.

i went back to sleep cuz im a losenerd, and she. made this breakfast casserole thing. which hse put into a bagel abd brought to me bc i guess shes the best person on the entire earth oh my GOD. jesus

skip... apparently she knows maximum the hormone and doesnt like them very much... fair fair. (cause for xeath)

came to the store agai. tofay. it was fun and good. iz didnt come in today, do played some more with regulars. played w what is apparently called a blink deck, which revolvea arounf exiling cards then immediately bringing them back, to capitalize on "when this enters battlefield, do smth" cards. neat!

i DID actually manage to win today!!! the victory was. literally handed to me, but like. thats fine! i was playing silly's uhhh... elintor the masked? idr her name :( the mask planewalker! deck, which. i had SO much land, most of wh8ch was enchanfed. meaning it could be tapped then untapped w eljntor's thing, then tapped again for DOUBLE MANA. i mean. i had like 9/turn even b4 that but. BUT. i also had. i think i drew 3 creatures total. bit anyway. i had the white card that gave me a life whenever a creature was put on tge board (and also, w another enchantment, made all non-me creagurss and enchantments enter the board tapped, so. nya). so... rob had a card what dealt one damGe to all other players whenevr he puta. creature on the board. then he played united forces, which lets each player commit X mana to create X 1/1 soldier tokens on all players' boards. so. we made 28 white soldier tokens on everyones board. this killed perry, ans gave me, uh. 56 life (84 - 28). i then attacked ron for 28 w the soldiers, and drew sacred mesa, which lets me sacrifice 2 mana (1 any color, 1 white, but i had so many cards that said "this land can instead be tapped for 2 of any color, so like. ueah) to create a 1/1 flying pegasus token. so i. ended the game w 44 white 1/1 tokens. goblins get fucked.attack w my ssoldiers cuz his were tapped, so brought him down to 7 life. i didng catch what he did w the enchantment, but i think he said he like. put a copy of every creature on my side of the board onto his board, and then. cipying that enchantment 3 times. so. holy FUCK. wow. BUT those all came in tapped and i had 18 flying yokens, so. i still won! yay!!!! i won a game of magic!!!!!

goblin decks scare me. stop running krenko you fucks. exponential goblins goddamn

silly would come by every so often and like. look over my dhoulder and say "oh that was dumb whyd u use fabricate for thay" which is fair. but also god i love her. (i used fabricate for a mana generator insteaf of lightning greaves. whateverrrr) i love her so much dear god. i wish i coukd help w the store more, but. on the same time i also. dont enjoy working. so. maybe part time.

hm. what ekse. oh yeah i kove her so much.

by the end of the night it was just. me and her, rob and the two regulars i started out llaying w yestwrday. theyre sweet, i like them. theyre married. the dude calls me honey smtimes, which is. kinda weird? dunno how i feel about that. i guess fine. its gender-nice, but still a lil uncomfy. otherwise i like em fien, though. but they talked abouy moving into sillys apt. so thats cool!! better than her current (awful, terrible, lazy / horrifically depressed / manchild roomate, who doesnt clean ever) roomate. i was reading the monster of the week gamebook thruout, which i... bought, for some reason. idk. oh also i wanna make a fallen angel divine, because im... predictableeee. also a conspiracy thworist whos just a trans woman w way too much time and really weird hobbies (throwing knices, butterfly knife, net friends, etc). also a spooky. i speny like. 3 hours reading thr7 the monster of the week book while ppl played magic around me. i kinda wish i hadnt bought it, but hey! its neat c:

oh, also i didnt take adderall today. i dont think it went toooo bad, i think i like. was meaner and less thohghtful with what i said, but like. i guess thats better than feared. i took a caffeine pill (200mg) at ariund 10 which is. prolly why im wide awake right now. i regret doing that, sincr from what shes said tmos gonna be big)

she says we gotta be at her moms by 4, for reasons she WONT TELL ME. bit she says its part of one of her plans, i ASSUME the romantic one? im kind of afraid that ill like. no-sell it unwillingly because im abroke and soulless human being, but uh. i guess rhats thw risks we take to be alive :shrug: im excited. were also going to a shop (diff one) tmo, which im Quite excited for, as ive only been in similar shops by accident before. also doing laundry!!! which is important ^_^

oh ysah. so we got white castle on the way home. its. yeah she was r8ght. mediocre-at-best sliders. onions are bad.

we also made a pizza. whifh i ate most of. i overate. sob.

she fell asleep halfway thry an episode of nailed it. cant blame her, she seemed really tired. i hipe i dont disturb her rwst. and i feel so utterly blessed thay i can be around her.

ih!! i also fell down the last few staies ywstersay. bruised my arms, but otherwise fine. it was. idk, it is nice to knoe that others worry fir me and like me. she was very concerned. i love her.

#blog #ohio trip 2 #journal

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gohyuck · 7 years ago

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NCT 127 reaction to you falling asleep on them

rest of the reactions under the cut - kept as gender neutral as possible

taeil

honestly he’d probably be running his fingers through your hair while you lay down on top of him while watching tv or something

it’d be a while before he even noticed you’re asleep

when he does it’s kind of startling because you’re so quiet?? wow amazing

“wow”

when he realizes he stops combing through your hair because what if it wakes you up or something

but then you stir and move your head a little higher up on his chest and he’s like oh

so he goes back to playing with your hair and braids it and stuff

have fun combing it all out when you wake up lmao

your legs and his are entangled and one of his hands is on your back and the other in your hair or behind his head

you’re basically flat on top of him

he doesn’t want to move too much

taeil is like... crazy afraid of waking you up because you must be s o tired and he doesn’t wanna ruin your much needed sleep

“ah they’re so pretty”

turns off the tv eventually because he’s watching you now and not even paying attention to it

wont make any noise honestly

eventually he’ll probably fall asleep to the sound of your breathing tbh

while you’re listening to the sound of his heartbeat

johnny

johnny, softly, but with feeling: “holy shit”

his frame is like x2 yours lmao he makes for a gr9 bed

also his clothes are always soft and highkey he smells like home so when you guys are just chilling and cuddling in downtime and it’s quiet ofc you’re gonna fall asleep

you’re pretty much halfway on top of him at first, with an arm and a leg thrown around him haphazardly

he’s worried you’ll slip off when you fall asleep though so he moves you so you’re entirely on top of him

one arm finds its place around his neck and the other hangs off the couch in like...ultimate chillaxing position

johnny’s all about being super relaxed and cool and shit lmao but in his head he’s aaaaaaaaa because you look adorable and also you’re falling again

both of his arms are wrapped around your waist

if you originally are a little lower on him he’ll gently pull you up so your chin is near his collarbones

johnny the type to take approximately 389243 pictures of you sleeping

probably posts a couple to his sc story

“they’re so tired they fell asleep on me”

“i ain’t even mad tho look at how cute they are”

(haechan responds to his story with “they fell asleep because you’re boring as shit”, a fight ensues)

you wake up to find him knocked tf out, possibly snoring

it’s your turn to take pics and post now

(haechan - “he’s so boring he put himself to sleep”)

taeyong

he’d probably be unable to hold in a tiny squeal because “oh my god look at them”

your head is on his chest and one arm and one leg are slung across him

tae’s lowkey touched because you have the whole bed and choose to fall asleep entangled with him and basically on top of him

he’s 100% sure you’re the cutest thing to exist ever

has his hand on your waist and probably rubs little circles into the skin above your hipbone because it’s so s o f t

moves hair out of your face

tucks it behind your ear so he can look at you better

“ah i guess if they’re asleep i should be asleep”

he really wants to kiss you because you just look so adorable and are everything good in the world (you are his world) but he also doesn’t want to wake you up

crisis????

if anyone else walks into the room, like the other members, he makes the “shh” gesture before they can even think abt opening their mouths

when you wake up he moves so he’s over you

presses like........... a million kisses to your forehead and cheeks and nose and just everywhere on your face before your tired ass pulls him down for a proper kiss

“did you sleep well?”

“yeah, but i like being awake because i can be with you”

“so...you DON’T dream about me”

“yAh”

yuta

i couldn’t find a nonsexy gif of yuta?? a GOD

he’d lowkey be shook as shit

prob tries to be like.cool about it but internally he’s panicking because this hasn’t ever happened before and he doesn’t really know what exactly to do

pets your hair a little bc??? he just...dk

licks his lips a lot while he’s messing with your hair

stops you from falling off of him and onto the floor a couple of times but a small part of him is tempted to let you fall so you’ll wake up and you guys can hang

eventually he’ll get tired of hoping you’ll wake up

he gives you a long nap tho bc he knows you’re tired and he’s kinda tired too but like

he doesn’t wanna fall asleep bc lowkey he’s a little afraid you’ll fall onto the floor if he isn’t there to stop you

after like...an hour of switching from mild awkwardness to exasperatedness to admiring you silently he gets a little tired of it tho

“wake uppp”

you yawn really loud and sit up so you’re straddling him, rubbing sleep out of your eyes and he really can’t help himself

he flips you both over on the couch

smiles down at you and then sighs

“good, we can do stuff together now” he smirks and kinda does an eyebrow wiggle and you just laugh and smack him on the chest a lil bit

he laughs too and buries his face into your shoulder, carefully balancing his weight on you

you guys just talk from that position for hours until the other members come back only to see the two of you dead asleep

doyoung

he’d be another to take wayyyy to many pictures of you

he prob wouldn’t post any though they’re just ~for him~ for when they go on tour or have schedules and he misses you

gently turns you guys over so you’re lying under him and one of his arms and one of his legs are carefully put across you

this way if his legs fall asleep he can get up and move them around without really disturbing you

when you’re underneath him he can’t really stop himself from just sitting up for a second and admiring how stressless you seem when asleep

“oh my god... they’re wearing my shirt”

would smile crazy hard his face would probably hurt

struggles to keep a squeal in because he literally can’t believe of everyone ever you chose h i m and now you’re wearing his clothes and sleeping in his bed beside him like

will wonders never cease?

doyoung can’t help himself tbh he presses chaste little kisses to your forehead, the junction of your jaw and neck, where your shoulder and neck meet, just, sweet kisses where he can

you shift a lot in your sleep and it always kinda panics him

you: moves your pinky finger - doyoung: *gaSP*

eventually though he does fall asleep beside you

only to be woken up by you lightly kissing him

you apologize profusely because you didnt mean to wake him up you just couldnt hel p yourself

and he just laughs and tackles you to the bed, getting into a tickle war

im screaming itd be s o c u t e

jaehyun

prob just chilling lying on the couch and you’re sitting on top of him, straddling his legs because its comfy

after a while it gets silent and eventually he drifts off, only to wake up like 5 min later

he blinks a couple of times to get the very short and disorienting nap out of his system only to see you still straddling him but your head leaning against the back of the couch, small and very cute snores leaving your half open mouth

he takes a pic for the Y/N MEMES album he has on his phone

it’s his most treasured possession - shitt y meme pics of you

“one day our kids will cherish these images too”

he half sits up, raising himself up on his elbow on one arm so he can use the other to gently lift your head

places you head on his chest and lies back down reallyyyyy slowly so you don’t wake up

he’s tired and you’re tired

for a little while though he just stares at you because goddamn you’re real and you’re with him

jaehyun’s getting existential up in this bitch

you’re still snoring so he shifts a little and you quit it and he can’t help but chuckle to himself

he starts yawning

before he knows it he’s half singing songs to try to stay awake so he can see your face when you wake up super groggy

he can’t do it though

when you wake up your boyfriend is knocked tf out and you’re lying on his chest

you just go back to sleep because you’re 1) tired and 2) in love with the idea of just napping with jaehyun nice

winwin

like yuta he kinda wants to wake you up the second he sees you asleep

however he’s really just... amazed by how you just basically melted into his arms while laying against him in bed

you basically dozed off midsentence like you were talking and your words faded until you just exhaled little sighs

and with that sicheng knew you were super asleep

you have a death grip tbh so he can’t really get up but he soon realizes that he honestly doesn’t want to because it’s pretty rare that he just sits and chills or hangs out with you

and even if you’re asleep he’s still with you and honestly?

that’s all that matters

your lips are against where his neck and shoulders meet and both of your arms are around his neck

it’s kinda uncomfortable for him at first but after some tentative shifting he finds a good position for himself

one arm behind his own head, propping himself up against the pillow a little bit so he can see you, the other lightly resting on your head

the rise and fall of your chest is slower than his since you’re sleeping, he can’t help but compare your heartbeats

it’s like poetry in motion for him

he says dumb shit to you while you’re sleeping like “ah you drool when you sleep, what a s l o b” that’s obv a joke

reaches for his phone and texts all the members to stfu and not interrupt them bc you’re sleeping and you deserve the rest

even tho he originally wanted to wake you up so you guys could talk

just really loves you and wants you to be happy im s o f t

mark

after a video game session you guys hang out on the couch together to just talk and catch up before his members get back fro being outside

mark sits up, leaning a little against the couch’s arm and you lie with your head in his lap

he really likes twisting strands of your hair around his fingers while you talk its like...his Thing

but yeah it gets late and after a while it gets quiet and you just fall asleep

mark cant help but laugh because honestly??? it was so sudden but wow

he moves your head so he can get up off the couch, makes sure the door to his dorm room is open, and picks you up

hes lucky you dont wake up while hes carrying you to his bed

when he puts you down he makes to leave and pick up the games and snacks yall left out but your sleeping self makes grabby hands

he c a n t resist and he just giggles a little bit but slides in next to you

marks p surprised when you move to hug him in your sleep

then he remembers how you cant sleep without holding something, just like taeyong

or someone, apparently

eventually falls asleep

both of you wake up to taeyong acting shook af that yall were cuddling in your sleep

haechan takes plenty of pics b4 that tho as b l a c k m a i l

all in all a successful stay-at-home date

haechan

he’s lying down and reading on the couch when you get to their dorm

one hand behind his head propping it up and the other holding the book

when you get there he puts it down and opens his arms wide

you laugh and lean down to hug him only to get d r a g g e d down

“doNGHYUCK”

“just lie down on me i’m a good pillow”

he’s so exasperating honestly but you love him and he loves you so it’s all good?? you make him sit up tho and you snuggle into his side after he puts in the movies you guys are marathoning for the night

“if you do twilight i’ll kill you”

“damn y/n why you gotta ruin my dreams like that”

it ends up being old horror movies that arent scary and like halfway through the 4th movie your head is on his shoulder and youre asleep

he stops the movies and turns the tv off, sighing, roasting you fondly

“idiot couldn’t even stay awake for all of it”

he lies down really carefully on the couch, bringing you with him

he really is a good pillow

it’s like 2 am by this point and some of the members are just about to be getting back from practice

haechan sings really softly while youre asleep, your legs entangled in his and head squarely on his chest

he basically sings himself to sleep, and its in that position the other members find you, asleep together on the the couch

johnny cops haechan’s phone and takes a bunch of pics, making one of them haechan’s lock screen

haechan doesn’t change it when you guys wake up

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lifeafterten · 6 years ago

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RtN 08: Bhulbule Bhulbule it’s Rocky E’rywhere

Shut the hell up-- That title made you fucking giggle, I know it. Don’t worry I wont tell anyone you fell for one of my dad jokes.

We had to be up early. No skin off my nose-- I was already up. (Shocker, I know.) Another night of me painting mental pictures behind my eyelids as I waited for the sun to come up. Super fun. {heavy on the sarcasm}

I went down for breakfast--- the staff was ready for me. They picked up on my crackhead hours from yesterday, I wasn’t gonna catch them sleepin’ (literally and figuratively) again.

We were a bit on a time crunch-- Hannah and Maxine were to meet us so we can split the jeep cost amongst ourselves, so we needed to have our shit together, again, literally and figuratively.

There was some contemplation on what I should take and what I shouldn’t. I definitely needed my medical supplies (I was basically carrying a mini pharmaceutical on my back) because of my leg, so my pack was already filling up quick. I made some rough cuts-- not everyone can make varsity. Hopefully I was able to cover all my bases. Then again, it’s not like I’ve done this before so what the fuck did I know? Next to nothing. I hoped to Christ my rationale and my common sense was enough. The things we decided to leave behind would be stored at the Hotel.

Soon enough, we were loading our packs and getting ready to skedaddle. Off to Besisahar... God help us.

For the second time on this trip, I longed for a damned seat belt. I seemed to have welded my feet to the car floor and was gripping the edge of the seat. I was squeezing so fucking hard my fingers began to tingle while anticipating hard turns and rough stops.

I was not wrong in my prediction.

The driving is insane here. First off, the roads were not roads they were dirt trails that vehicles decided to drive on for what seems like funzies; shits n’ giggles; lapses in fucking sanity-- Holy cannoli-- Breathe Ashley, breathe...

That’s the fucked up thing about anxiety: it messes with you. Bad. I can look at something and think about a million and one things that can go wrong, like that (please insert finger snap here, thanks).

Our driver was not the friendliest of the friendlies if you can catch my meaning. And he was young. Real young. If the furry caterpillar he was trying to grow on his face was any indication-- yeah, he was definitely in his early twenties if not twelve.

The drive itself had me on edge, since we were so perilously close to the edge about 80% of the time. My nerves were just about threadbare at this point and we haven’t even gotten started yet. But it wasn’t just driving cliff side; it was the near misses, and the constant honking (holy fuck was this kid liberal with that shit-- handing out honks like it was fucking Tic-Tacs) as our driver over took buses, jeeps, and motorbikes alike. He was a very aggressive driver, which I was sorta thankful for. The trip to Besisahar was an estimated seven to eight hour drive. He was able to cut it down to six. But I was almost certain the ride alone had shaved off a few years off my life.

We stopped for bathroom and snack breaks along the way, but I was too tired mentally to muster up the strength to get out of the car. So I stayed in there, slumped at the backseat, reveling at the stillness of it before we went off-roading again. Yes, I considered it off-roading. During those times of rest, Adrian slid into the backseat with me. We talked about nonsense, but I had an inkling he was checking in on me. Well not really and inkling-- the dude literally asked if I was good.

I’ll admit there were moments where I allotted a small head to shoulder touch (meaning, my forehead to his shoulder), only to convey that I was fine. Sometimes I do these things. My actions these days are more honest than my mouth is. I don’t lie about a lot of things, but somehow when it comes to my personal shit and physicality status... lying about it came almost as naturally as breathing. My body status because I was tired of the hovering, and my feelings because I’ve been doing it for so long I don’t know how to stop sometimes. I’m working on it, okay? Half way there I was almost certain that our driver was trying to kill us. I was being dramatic, of course, but I swear to Christ the next time that little shit picks up his phone to talk to someone while he’s playing the Nepali version of Chicken with the other cars; while driving cliff side; while honking like a madman-- I swear I was gonna slap the puberty outta this mother fucker. GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE! I would have screamed if my heart wasn’t in lodged my throat; choking me into silence. My palms were sweating. The relief was palatable once we reached Besisahar.

Since our driver was part Nepali part fucking Speed Racer, we arrived earlier than we anticipated. So the plan to walk to the next location came into motion. “You guys just wanna walk straight to Bhulbule?” Bhulbule was about a two and a half walk from Besisahar, and since we’ve been cramped in a jeep for the better part of our morning... I was not opposed. I had a lot of nervous energy pent up, so some walking might do me some good.

The roads were dusty, but I liked that I was surrounded by green. I thought the rice fields were actually rather pretty. It could be the Filipino in me, but I don’t think my family grew rice-- I think it was pineapples?

I think this mini trek to was a pretty important learning session about the personalities of our group, which had expanded plus two.

Hannah had a very bubbly personality. Lani had dubbed her Hermoine, probably in regard to her accent and the unruly curls that donned her crown. She was short in stature, but her personality was definitely larger than life. She was an opera singer by occupation (amazing), and when she and Zach would break out into impromptu songs it was the sweetest thing. Apparently the girl had a penchant for nicknames for she went from Hermoine, to Hannah-Darling, to finally Hannahpurna. The last one tickled my fancy-- mostly because I’m a sucker for puns or any play on words, really. Hannah was a firecracker with the tendency to “wee” every fifteen steps (total exaggeration, but she did need a few stops, and it was cute). She was very hydrated. How to describe Hannah... She had these curls the color of light brown sugar, and big doe eyes that darted everywhere like she wanted to take everything; experience everything at the same time; all at once. She had a wonderful lilt to her voice that sounded almost musical-- whether it be because of her accent or her occupation-- either way it was pleasant, and made it even more hilarious when she would say some off the wall shit.

Maxine-- I had dubbed her Maxie, because... I’ve always wanted to call a someone that-- was from the Netherlands. I can’t say I know much about the Dutch, but Adrian tells me that they’re the nicest people. Next to Canadians, I imagine. From what I learned from Lani-- Maxine was involved in research for exoskeletons for paraplegics, and I am awed by... everything? Can I be awed by everything? Fuck, I guess I am. Max was quiet, but sure of herself--- The best kind of quiet confidence. I felt she had good energy. She was tall and blonde.. and apparently gets sunburned easily. I liked her high cheekbones and the strong, sharp angles of her jawline. At first she seems a bit severe, but when she smiles her eyes crinkle at the corners that’s when you really see her shine, and Max smiles a lot. Shit. We’re getting a bunch of bright people now. I’m getting nervous. Just kidding. ... Kinda-- ANYWAY!

Then we have Lani. Her optimism was infectious and you can just feel her excitement just to be here. And I’m glad we’re here-- glad I was able to see it with her; be here with her. I’ve never quite described Lani have I? Hm... She’s probably one of the most beautiful people I know. Her physical beauty is as effortless as the inner. She doesn’t need to try, she just is. She’s tall, she’s almost graceful in her movements until she remembers she has limbs and almost trips or hits something. (Why we’re actually friends.) She has her own demons to contend with, but she’s not like me and lets it fuck with her-- thanks to her optimism. It’s like she has a full reservoir of the shit. She drives me up the wall with it sometimes-- because I’m just allergic to things not fucked up apparently, but I’m glad I have her in my life. Perhaps when my bitterness dwindles as I fumble along this path of self-whatever-the-fuck maybe, just maybe, that optimism can rub off on me. Now onto the brightest of the bright-- dare I crown him the King of Sunshine, Zach. I have nicknamed him Zackerooie, because he’s just so damned adorable. Swear to Christ I have never met a more positive human being in my entire life-- and I was fucking surrounded by them back home. I appreciate the eye contact he gives when you’re in conversation with him. All smiles and bright blues just aimed at you. It’s neigh impossible to not adore him. He’s just a genuine person-- a rarity. Back home, genuineness appears to not only a be fallacy but an actual needle in a damned haystack. It’s like when someone calls themselves humble nine times out of ten they are anything but. When someone has to compliment themselves, that’s usually a huge red flag.

And alas there was Adrian. Adrian likes to pick on short people-- I’m not short by any means (pretty average for my ethnicity and gender-- thank you), just shorter than he is.

I will concede that we certainly have our similarities (insert your “no shit, Ashley” here). Which makes sense on why I found him to be so infuriating. We bickered. A bit. A lot. Fuck you, fine-- we bickered most of the time. It wasn’t too bad. I only half joked / threatened him with bodily harm. Then he’d say some stupid shit like I was too small to do dick, which made me actually want to punch him in the daddy bags. Repeatedly. In rapid succession. Just to make sure such assholery will not dare procreate. But during my observations I found that he is a lot more... thoughtful than I had initially pegged him to be. And let me tell you, my initial thoughts of him were not very flattering-- he kept picking on me, okay! It’s 2018 goddammit, no bullies allowed! In any case, we can safely say that Adrian is blunt; that Adrian is opinionated, but I found that his actions didn’t often match what his mouth was saying. There was a lot of “who cares” or “I don’t care” or “that’s someone else’s problem” or my personal favorite “whatever”. These things weren’t easy to spot, but when you’re trailing in the back of the group or existing in corners... You tend to catch on to how people really are relatively quickly.

But I started to note these things and the more I learned, the easier he was to understand. But then again he has probably the longest eyelashes I have ever seen-- which switches me back from understanding the guy to being annoyed by him.

I finally crossed my first bridge. I was anticipating/dreading, actually. Had a thing about heights, even though technically I’ve never really put myself in a situation where I would have to deal with heights. So does that mean I was scared if the idea of heights? Interesting thought. Well we were about to test that theory considering now I was looking at it dead in the face.

“You good?” Adrian asked me.. again. “Fine. Just panicking internally.” I found myself admitting honestly. Wow, that made my mouth feel weird. I don’t know what made me say it, but It felt strangely freeing, but considering I was still panicking I didn’t dwell too long. I’ll fuck with that shit later.

My ears were full of the water flowing under the bridge. I concentrated on putting one boot in front of the other, just look straight ahead. Don’t look down, if I stepped in shit (seemed to be... everywhere) I would dutifully scrape it off on a brick, or a rock, or an Adrian if he continued to piss me off. Or a Lani that kept smirking at my plight. Plotting which person to rub my just-in-case shitty boot on helped me across. I don’t know what kind of person that makes me, but it fucking works.

Zach was the captain of our merry band of misfits. He had the book. He had the map. He controls the futu-- Okay, sorry, that’s too much I know. But we basically followed his lead. He was great at getting the skinny from the locals (he has one of those faces). But we appeared to be following the Book (context: he purchased a trekking guide through the Himalayas from Lonely Planet. So when I say “The Book”, I mean the guide book-- not the bible, I didn’t finish Sunday school-- don’t know how to read it). The Book suggested we stay at two places: - Thorung-la Guest House - Heaven Guest House

It was getting late, so we went to the closest one:

Taking a shower was... Interesting. I couldn’t get my leg wet (as was my only requirement from my wound care doctor for her to give me the green light to fly), so I was basically doing some weird lean in butt fuck cold water (until I figured out how to use the heater) while keeping my leg elevated and away from the spout. Which is why my right leg is great at balancing. It felt nice to wash off the dirt. Took me a while to dress. My body and my leg.

I don’t think I packed enough warm underclothes. Just a few thermals and a rain jacket. I still had my down, but hardly think I can trek with that shit on. During the day it’s relatively warm, night is what kicks me in the vajeen.

In any case I walked down to beer and Dal Bhat.

I had brought a notebook down to write in (it was Lani’s diary and while she took pictures I wrote) and sat down. Everyone was already finishing up their plates-- considering the size of the plates-- considering the size of the plates, they were either hungry, or the food was bomb, or I was slow af getting dressed. I would guess the latter.I was already cold as shit. During dinner I was shivering and clenching my jaw to keep my teeth from chattering. Although the teeth clenching could have been me biting my tongue whenever Adrian would remind me, for what seemed like the billionth time, it would only get colder. Or how he couldn’t believe I was already feeling that cold. Dude. I’m an island girl. The lowest the temp goes is 70 and that’s only if there’s a storm a’brewin’. So you bet your sweet ass this bitch was cold! Although I could not complain about the dude too much... He did try his best to keep my Island Popsicle ass warm throughout dinner by rubbing my arms. Maybe he’s not a bastard... still an asshole. A warm asshole.It was about seven or eight when everyone started turning in. I was reluctant because one, it was early, and two, I don’t sleep. Adrian was commenting that he couldn’t sleep too early because he’d wake up in the middle of the night. So it felt normal to agree when he asked me if I wanted to stay downstairs longer. One: it was early. Two: At this point I had buried myself under his arm and merged myself into his side like some weird warmth parasite. God that man was so warm. So we stayed up talking shit--bickering--whatever. I saw my first firefly (one of many firsts on this trip). I know what you’re thinking-- it wasn’t fucking romantical. Gag yourself. In fact I felt rather silly for admitting I haven’t seen something as apparently common. We don’t have those bugs on the island. Adrian kept his teasing to a minimum-- thank Christ-- and we eventually made our move back up stairs. Zach and Adrian’s room was across the hall from Lani and I’s.

I mumbled a quick goodnight to Adrian as I turned (left) into the... empty room. The room was empty. Where the hell was Lani?

I’ve read multiple books about a “sinking feeling” in your stomach when you mentally ask a question you already knew the answer to, but you hoped that maybe this bitch was in the fucking bathroom or something and, in fact, did not stay in the room across the hall leaving a now pretty sleepy Adrian bedless. I quickly pitter-pattered my way to the other room (right). My eyes had already adjusted to the dark enough to make out an Adrian standing in at the door way. He looked like he didn’t know what to do. Fuck if I knew what the fuck to do.

I had a belly full of Dhal Bhat and I had my fill of Adiran Warmth to last me... Just a couple more minutes if I didn’t get under warm covers soon.

“Lani?” I whispered at the dark lump I thought could be her. I don’t know what kind of Zombie/sleep cracked out Lani this was, but she moved fast. Like the zombies in World War Z fast, like I Am Legend Zombie fast. “Are you okay? I’m sleepy. I’m gonna go back to sleep. It’ll be okay. Mm, love you. Night.” She had said this over my, “What? Uh. Okay. Are you-- aaand you’re laying back down. Okay.” I stood there staring at the Lani-Lump. Incredulous; unsure; mostly confused.

This. Fucking. Cunt.

Deep breaths Ashley. This isn’t a huge deal. Except that I haven’t allowed anyone to sleep in the fucking same room with me for over a year-- besides my hospital stay.

That didn’t count.

I had drugs. I, at the moment however, did not have drugs. To his credit Adrian did ask if I was okay with us rooming together. ... Fuck it. Whatever. It was fine.

It was cold as shit outside; it was dark; I now (apparently) had an extra bed... He may as well use it, right? I mean, he wasn’t a complete stranger-- he actually seemed pretty cool when he wasn’t busting my balls.

I told myself I was fine with it. Actually, I told myself to stop being a little bitch. He wasn’t going to bite me. And if he did I’d have a reason to beat that ass. The possibility of violence made me strangely okay with it.

So we went to bed. It did not take me long to realize that usually bodies warm the sheets before it stays warm throughout the night. So whatever Adrian Warmth I had left dissipated once I slid under the sheets. Fuck. You. I knew I was going to be miserable the whole night. I rubbed my feet together in hopes the friction would help. No help. My feet were cold.

“You cold?” I heard the question from the bed across mine. Adrian. Didn’t trust my mouth to speak so I made a negative mouth sound of “nuh-uh.” Have you ever heard a silence that was deeper than silence...? Like someone was quietly judging your idioticy from across the room? Well, he as nice enough to not verbally call me out on my bullshit. Both he and I knew damn well I was cold as fuck-- but my stupid mouth still lied about it. Pride? Probably.

I saw his blanket open up, motions of his hand to hurry up and get in. I hesitated. Of course I did. I hesitate about everything. Fucking Pride... Stupid. But I couldn’t resist-- my bed wasn’t doing me any fucking favors-- so I did what Lani... and Kristin... and Jessie were always fucking telling me to do.

Go with it. (I had way too many free spirited friends..)

And fuck you, once Adrian dropped the blanket around me and I was immediately surrounded by that delicious, precious warmth, I swear that man could have asked me to kick a puppy and I would have done it gratefully. Okay maybe not-- but I would have heavily considered it. How the fucker got his bedding that comfortably warm in such a short amount of time I will never know. Or I didn’t ask. Fuck it man, I was just happy that I was warm. That’s his super power.

I don’t remember falling asleep, but it was the first sleep I’ve had since we landed in Nepal. I knew needed that sleep. So I’ll say this: Thank you, Adrian... You fucking asshole. What? Gotta keep it balanced. TBC...

#Road to Nepal Part 8 #Blog #Life After Ten #Travel #Nepal #Bhulbule #annapurna circuit

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whatyousaiddotcom-blog · 7 years ago

Text

SOME CORRESPONDENCE OF SC

Correspondence between SC and JM (a member of the accountability panel), November 2014

SC 11/29/14 to JM

Dear JM,

it was nice to see you other other day at the demo....im not exactly sure how to start this email but our exchange keeps repeating on me...so i thought i would write to you... i was a bit irrked that you seemed surprised that I said I was feeling quite shit and when you asked me whats up etc

I'm starting to think you have no idea what the impact the bloomsbury ten stuff has had on me... i wanted to write to you so you had some type of idea...

as Im sure your aware everything sparked up again recently ( it actually sparked up (intensely) again a few weeks before K’s piece of writing but i wont go into that here ). and there is now a name and shame blog doxing me and the others and accusing us of various crimes.

I know you have not partaken in this and even tried to calm thing down on fb at one point.... but it doesnt help and things are really bad.

there are a BUNCH of people who read our intervention letter who have grossly and purposely falsified what we originally wrote - you know many of these people - ( ie NBa, RA-D, P, STA, etc many others ) and im sure you have seen this stuff circulating recently and over the last few years.

they accuse us of at least these things:

- victim blaming

-denying it happened

-calling her a liar

- asking for more evidence

- asking about her sexual history

-bullying and harassing her

-saying it was her fault.

yet anyone who read / reads the original letter and who has basic comprehension skills can clearly see that none of these things happened. these are projections onto what we wrote and not our words at all. obviously we cannot even defend ourselves publicly to refute these malicious claims without picking over detail and i think no one thinks it would be appropriate or right to do this as both the first email and our response have details of …. This has left space for others to twist and turn and lie about what we originally wrote.

Im not saying you should agree with what we wrote or our intervention but seriously these lies about what happened are more than malicious and completely untrue. equally as for the claims that we were were hiding behind anonymity - we went to BOTH follow up meetings after we wrote the letter and everyone knew who we were - we also agreed to go to a third meeting but that never happened .... the only reason people have my name now is because i went to a meeting and made myself known like everyone else. i hardly think this is hiding ...

---

i want you to understand the effect this has had on me not just in the last month or so but over the last few years as well.

firstly i had so much self doubt to the point that i felt that i WAS a victim blaming rape apologist and that what we had written was of that effect. I had to read and re read what we wrote over a couple of hundred times ( and that is not an exaggeration ) - i have read it over and over to try and understand peoples accusations...finally in desperation I showed it privately to (redacted) who were not part of writing the original statement - from (redacted) to (redacted) - i showed it to very smart and honest people- EVERYBODY was fucking shocked at the way what we wrote had been interpreted. It is only with the most decontextualised and ungenerous reading of about one line that you could move to a victim blaming reading...... this response / projection is complete gas lighting and really hurtful and dangerous. ( esp for me as i have pretty serious mental health issues)

over the last weeks, basically after K wrote her piece, i repeatedly felt suicidal and got very very ill... al had to take time off to stay with me and look after me. I couldnt walk i couldnt eat and i couldnt sleep. i was completely haunted by the trial by social media ( i actually still am). and the very malicious smears against me and the others. I basically had a complete breakdown and had to be put in touch with a crisis mental health team and was very close to hospitalization.... and although i am on the mend now i am very far from being well and am dosed up to the eyeballs on meds and still have very low days. this has had an extreme impact on me.

Im not sure if you know this but i lost my father at the beginning on this year.... its really been the year from hell. I was just starting to recover from his death and then this stuff comes up and was the final straw and knocked me sideways...

many people of twiiter who tweet about this like its a fucking sport know not only that i lost my dad this year but that i have stress triggered mental health problems... this doesnt seem to stop them from massively false and malicious tweets. I have had PERSONAL abuse from R and there are a lot of men who have taken a delight in taking a stand against me ( victim blaming rape appologist ) and think its fine to stick my name on a blog and spread lies about me ( obviously i deserve it).....

to get proof of who was saying what I literally had to witness my own online abuse in real time as a live twitter feed - i had to screen grab the lot before people could deny or delete what they were saying or block me - please try to imagine what its like to photograph your own abuse as spectacle on twitter. ....

anyway i have proof of a lot of what and who has been saying what now...

----

to be honest im not even telling you the half of what has gone on , on the impact this has had on me and others and of how upset i am by the sheer dishonesty, cruelty and sadistic abuse that has happened. ontop of that no one says anything and people like RA-D, M and NBa and P go on as if nothing has happened.

---

i know you havent joined in in any of this and you didnt ask for it to happen. I have to be honest with you though - neither you , JB, SB, or MC [the accountability panel] have ever said anything and this really hurts. you were all part of the original group who wrote the letter and tried to sort things out.... no one has said anything and it has spiralled to the point that it has.... you all have been able to walk away.... it was very hard to have you bounce up to me at the demo and be surprised that i was not ok or ask why i was not ok.....

i am basically known on twitter as a rape appologist for things i haven’t done and haven’t said. have another look at what was written - we never disputed what [REDACTED] said once - we criticised the process as we said we didn’t think things were being dealt with in a serious or appropriate way - we NEVER disputed what she said or said it was her fault and we always said that it needed to be dealt with... its written in the statement which im sure you still have..

i dont really know why im writing this... i know you disagree with what we wrote - i disagree with what was originally written - but never did i think you were coming from a bad place - i know you were trying to do the right thing.... i feel like people assumed the very very worst of me and others and that it is grossly ungenerous and now is dishonest and cruel.

i dont know what to say really - im still not ok about any of this and now every time i go on social media or to a demo I must wonder if i must see people like RA-D. NBa etc acting like nothing bad has happened, acting like they are not abusive and dishonest and that there will be no repercussion for how they have treated me and others.

— ( screen grabs sent including death threat screen grab)

i have plenty more screen grabs that just a very very small selection..

(redacted)

if you think about it " pls remind me who im missing out"

he purposely left my name out ( he knew i was part of b10 ) then asked people to remind him of my name in the separate next tweet ... please run that around in your head and think about what that means and why he did that... he takes a massive pleasure in being purposely abusive to me personally... its a fucking sport to him..... and no body said anything.

———

sorry to keep emailing - only to say i probably have left my flat less than 15 times in the past two months / two and half months since this has kicked off.... im basically non functional and i spent about a month uncontrollably weeping for most of the time i was awake... quite literally - u can ask anyone from a to DG or MH to the crisis team or my dr - who took it in turns looking after me during the worst parts of it.

that i have to put up with abusive men like RA-D or women like NBa and P ( because i deserve it for being a rape apologist ) is beyond a joke.

you know very little about my life and nor does anyone else - i have NOT had an easy life , the statistical chances of me being relatively sane , functional and with a good post grad education are much less than 1 percent.

and now i have to put up with a bunch of very well educated privileged student activists who I know to have high comprehension and reading skills fucking lying about what i/others have written and done is a fucking joke.

and that they purport to do this in the name of countering gendered structural violence is a fucking disgrace.

JM 11/29/14 to SC

Hey S,

I had no idea it had gotten this bad and that it was ongoing.

DG mentioned some of this to me a few weeks ago but but then I had only seen a small amount of the backlash on M's facebook wall, which is what I responded to. It seemed like it had flared up around K's post but was beginning to die down. I don't use twitter that much, partly because of the irritating dogmatism and pernicious attitudes it seems to produce (case in point), so I hadn't seen any of the stuff on there. I either don't follow, don't know, or have stopped following the people you mentioned and have generally distanced myself from a lot of the left-crowd in the past year for a number of reasons - but partly because I find the language and mentality which seems to have developed so off-putting that I no longer feel a part of the same discourse - the result is that I'm perhaps more out of the loop than you were aware.

Whatever type of anarchism it is that justifies this kind of behaviour I don't want any part of, and can't think of anything more willfully destructive than posting people's names on the internet or threatening people with violence. I can understand why [REDACTED] is angry about what happened but I can't for the life of me understand how this will help anything beyond a misplaced desire for arbitrary retribution.

You know my feelings about what was written, but as far as I'm concerned it is in the past. I'm sure that if we could go back in time everybody would have gone about things differently on all sides. What matters to me is where people's heart is - I have no doubt whatsoever that people like yourself and MH are good people with the best intentions. I wouldn't maintain the fondness I hold for both of you if I didn't. JBR and some of the others I'm less sure about - there are some good parts to him, but I don't trust him enough to be as close as I once was; being polemic or 'critical' often seems more important to him than generosity of spirit, and he can consequently be quite nasty to people with very little reason. He is far better at sowing division than anything else. I think RB is a good man but sometimes lets his friendship with JB cloud his judgement, as it did mine at points in the past. I certainly don't harbour ill will towards him, even if I felt initially hurt by him, and I'm sad we're not as close to each other because of all this stuff - I feel like I lost an important friend. I haven't come across RL in the past few years but I'd like to hope we'd be able to clear the air one day if we did cross paths. I've never had any reason to doubt she's a lovely person who got caught up in an extremely difficult situation and any hostility she expressed was an understandable product of that.

As for now, I don't think anybody has any answers to this stuff and if we're going to come up with anything of meaning or value it will require thinking through the kind of criticisms K made in her post, many of which are inarguable. At the same time we can't just ignore issues when they arise for the sake of convenience. Unfortunately the political climate seems completely anathema to learning anything productive from what has happened and looks to bully people (how much easier) on social media instead - hence my increasing sense of frustration with the 'scene' and my desire to become more distant from it.

I haven't been staying silent because I'm okay with what's happening - I simply haven't encountered it except on M’s facebook wall, where I intervened accordingly. If this starts to happen again send me a message and I will offer whatever weight I have as someone who criticised the original statement. I'm wary of putting something up out of the blue lest it simply stir the whole thing up again, but if others are doing that anyway let me know.

I hope you're doing okay. if you want to have a drink and chat about any of this or life generally just drop me a line.

J x

Correspondence between SC and JM (a member of the accountability panel), April 2015

to JM

and are any other accountability group members coming to the meeting?

JM 4/26/15 to sc

Yep that's fine for me - as to the others I don't know, I prodded them the other week but no one replied. I think I'm right in saying that no one was opposed to talking on principle but that there were reservations about it being a larger meeting, what the objective was, how it might be framed etc. If we're going with the 6th then I'll send a message and see what they say.

SC 4/26/15 to JM

no one is going to frame anything .i have always been open with you about my thoughts on this...i think its better for all of us that other people, who are wise and have good politics esp gender politics... are there to advise us all.... i would like people to stop abusing me for stuff i havent done, written , said thought, think etc.. i dont think its a big ask for the group to come considering they were at the heart of the process. i know none of them have been abusive towards me... however they were intitated a process that has become way out of control...i think people need to face up to what has and is happening in an honest way. as i have said many times i have evidence of people smearing me and abuseing me online. there is a very male core to alot of this abuse. i need to make this stop. my endurance for this has run out and its making me exreamly ill. please communicate to the the seriousness of this situation.

and apart from myself i ( unlike all the liars say) worry a great deal about [REDACTED]..I am totally unable to approach her to try and get aid with resolution for her, which she clearly needs.

basically JM i am not despite what many people write about me online , some type of evil bastard and neither is anyone else. the way we have been and are being treated is unjustifiable and it needs to stop, be confronted and people need to take responsibilty for their actions. i am sick of being hounded online and being villified to a large invisible audience. i am sick of people justifying their abuse cos they think i deserve it. - that actually is victim blaming and it needs to stop.

SC 4/26/15 to JM

i have a folder with 6 months worth of abuse - which is about 300 tweets, thats is just a tiny tiny percentage of what has been going on. within this folder i have a sub folder of people joking about putting me in a black bin liner, stabbing me, glassing me and saying that i should be killed. when are people going to wake up?? i am a real person, this has a real imapct on me. i suffer real mental health issues, which are classed as a severe disability. do u understand that if i have a sever breakdown i have zero garentee of " coming out" of a psycotic state? have you any idea what it is like to live with that thought?

how can i get this into peoples heads here??? i have STRESS TRIGGERED PSYCOSIS. - i cant really understand how this cannot at least move people to take some kind of action? or is it that they think that cos i am a " victim blamer" ( which i am not ) that i should just suffer the abuse that i am receiving?

do they need doctors notes? i have access to 18 years worth. i am not making my health problems up....

SC 4/26/15 to JM

do u realise that this is not going to go away? i cant live like this.

they cant justify their abuse. because thats what it is.

SC 4/26/15 to JM

i hope that all of you in the accountability group will stop not see this as an attack on you all and start to face up to what is actually going on here. i incuded people like np, tz and dg on the list becuase i am hopeing that you might talk with them and listen to them about this, you all clearly have zero respect for me and dont believe me.. but myabe you will listen to them? some other perspectives?

JM 4/27/15 to SC

I don't think I've given you any reason to feel I have zero respect for you, Sophie, or the others. I'm coming to the meeting - I'm just relating as best I can what other people feel. I understand their caution, and I can't force them to do anything. I will say that I worry about seeing me or the others as the solution to this - ultimately it isn't coming from us, and none of us share personal relationships or even a political outlook any more with the people involved. To me this is exactly the problem with abandoning the notion of being part of a community with obligations to each other, and what happens if there's no process in place that can bring closure to a problem - which takes us back to the original disagreements I suppose. This was an issue whether anyone wanted to address it or not.

SC 4/27/15 to JM

No one expects any forcing. Some of those in the accountability group are pretty close to some extremely abuseive people. I find it abhorrent. Maybe JB MC Sb etc might well talk to them off social media? I don't know really. It seems odd that a group of people who used to be my friends and who profess to want to deal with gendered violence just shrug their shoulders and say this is a consequence of what u wrote. Or something similar. I have pointed out a number of times how what we wrote has been undeniably and maliciously distorted - and then this distortion used as a pretext for abuse. I m not the only person who think this, I have shown the text to NP, MV, TZ, DG and other people I trust and asked them to read it for the things that we all have been accused of, (redacted) and said that I would apologies if it had blamed her, I lost complete trust in my own capacity to have faith in my own motivations and actions. That is actually gas lighting. Ikon wits not coming from u ( well I actually have at least one horrible grab from SB) but a lot of it is coming fro. People who were on that list or went to the meetings. Plenty people are making excuses for all this is more than shocking... It's like some bastard of Lord of the flies and the Salam witch trails on acid. I have men beating up on me online for things they know I haven't said. And even if I had said them it would still be unjustifiable.

SC 4/27/15 to JM

JM I'm sorry I'm a 35 year old working class woman with severe mental health problems. I was (redacted) and had (redacted). Before I went to university, at 25 my life was spent in (redacted) institutions and women's (redacted). Against statistical odds of probably less than one percent I have a post grad and had hoped to do a PhD. My life was for the first time on 30 years starting to settle. This is ruining me. It's making me ill. I have these disgusting middle class pricks hounding me online for sport and cred. I'm not MH and I'm not JBR and this b10 stuff does not play out in an equal way for us all. For me it is extreeamly traumatic due to who I am and the life that I have lived. As I told you it's making me ill, I am extreeamly lucky I haven't ended up in hospital. Please take time to get educate yourself about schizo effective effective disorder and its relationship to stress.

I hope that the other accountability group people will come to the meeting and stop being complicit and cowardly.

SC 4/27/15 to JM

I am hoping for some type of collective process or intervention. If this doesn't happen I am forced to take matters into my own hands alone to stop people abuseing me.

JM 4/27/15 to SC

I think it's best I just relate the things you're saying to me directly to the others because, as I've said, I'm coming to the meeting.

Are you alright with that, and if so, is there anything from this thread you'd want me not to pass on?

JM 4/27/15 to SC

to be clear I mean just c/ping the above so they can hear it themselves and decide accordingly. I don't think I can be any more use as a go-between now

SC 4/27/15 to JM

If you think it will help I suppose you should. Please do not copy sections but the whole exchange. I feel angry that I am I a position where I must disclose the shit life I have lived. And which still makes me feel a great deal of shame. At least maybe I won't have to go over it in A meeting publicly.

If I find that anyone had forwarded my email exchange beyond people who were in the accountability group I will be more than angry. Equally if it is subject to gossip or distortion on or off social media and I shall be more than upsset.

Thanks for trying to help.

Correspondence between SC and ZB (who had acted as a representative of [REDACTED] during the accountability meetings), October 2014

HI ZB,

I am writing to you as I have been told by people that we have in common and that i trust that you are solid feminist with good politics. I will try to keep this brief. i am not sure how much you are aware of what has been going on recently and for years. I do not have the energy to go over all of it.

The situation cannot go on as it is. I am getting very ill, I have sever stress triggered schizoaffective disorder. I have lost my father this year too. I have comrades and my partner caring for me, so don't worry about that.

I am worried about [REDACTED]. ( not [person with same initials] the other one )

here are some of her tweets, i have a million more, this is a random selection. I have seen worse.

— ( screen grabs of [REDACTED] and other actors)

there are a lot of lies being peddled here. Of course i would be extremely angry too i if i thought anyone had denied my suffering and my experience, victim blamed and asked me to evidence it. ( actually the position that i am in now )

there are a network of actors here, between me and you and her, who have deliberately falsified what we originally wrote and did and have done since. I think they do this to make a political point and to normalize a certain political practice. They can all read well. Im sure a;lot of them have read the original text that was written ( i have attached it here along with my own writing ).

The ONLY reason myself and others have not defended ourselves in a public way is because we am worried about [REDACTED] safety and sanity . I cannot be a punch bag for these people. they are not her friends/ comrades either and not helping her at all. I feel she needs support but i cannot approach her.

There are a host of people getting a lot of pleasure out of all of this. I have screen grabs of the lot. in amongst them hide some very abusive men. I have hard evidence of men abusing me on twitter and using [REDACTED]’s trauma as an excuse to do so. there are a bunch of women too who have played a very big part in escalating this to the situation as it currently manifests. I have had to witness all abuse play out as a spectacle on twitter. I have ( had to ) screen grabbed the lot.

I am not asking help with anything other than a good support network for her. I feel that she is surrounded by some very dubious people, with bad politics and ethics. People who call themselves feminists and communists, who are so far away from that its unreal.

I am sorry to pull you into this but i am worried that lives are at risk. i know you have just had a baby ( congratulations) and i imagine you are time short and tired. If you can think of any thing that might help please let me know.

Solidarity,

ZB 10/13/14 To SC

Hi S. I will use the form on the tumblr to ask for it to be taken down. I don't know who is running it, I was only aware of it after A told me about it yesterday. I have no reason to think that whoever is behind it will listen to me but I will message them.

I have not seen [REDACTED] for almost a year, nor am I able to spend much time on anything political at present as I'm heavily pregnant. Beyond messaging the blog post there isn't anything else I can do at present.

SC 10/13/14 to ZB

Ok thanks for writting back. I worry for [REDACTED] I really do . Her identity seems very invested in all of this persecution and lies. I don't know how aware she really is in all of this or how much she has been gas lit by others. I am sure you can read and I sure you can see that we never blamed her nor ignored or denied that it happened or her trauma. We disagreed and intervened in all of it that is for sure - we disagreed with how the process was manifesting. but none of us have ever bullied her denied that it happened or asked her for more proof or any of those vicious claims that are currently circulating .

Anyway thanks for your solidarity and for writing to the blog. I wish you luck with your pregnancy. X

Sent with one hand

4. Correspondence with an email list including JM from accountability panel, March 2015. This correspondence took place around DG’s banning from Goldsmiths Occupation. DG was not part of B10.

SC to List

sorry but this is not going away.. - an argument about safer spaces - will NOT sort this out!

this is too much bs, i need some support i want to confront this its a pack of fucking lies i am sick to my teeth of this.. i want to call it...it absolutely needs to stop and be put right.

J M - YOU WERE IN THE ACCOUNTABILITY GROUP WHICH HAS BEEN COMPLETELY QUIET.!!!.... you need to meet with me and others and this needs to stop! im AM SICK of people spreading lies about me and others and abusing ME AND MY COMRADES on the web for things that were not said and done! I do not give 2 fucks about what any1 thinks the b10's intentions were.... i know what we wrote and what was said in the meetings after.. i also have a ton of screen grabs about all the malicious lies been spread about us...

i have cc'd Ad. into this who has been purged from SF. i hope he will help us sort this out. MB and U and J all vouch for him.

i CANNOT HANDLE THIS ANYMORE. IT NEEEDS TO BE PUT TO REST!

MB 3/28/15 to SC, kD, AL, B, AS, D, CB, DG, JM, JBR, AP, Ad.

Fucking right!

Apparently people have walked out of the occupation due to this, it wasn't democratically agreed upon at all. the occupation statement and the people behind it are fucking idiots.

JM [accountability panel] 3/28/15 to SC, kD, AL, B, AS, D, CB, DG, JM, JBR, AP, Ad.

Oh for fucks sake.

Alright, I've replied with this for now.

"I don't know where you have got your information from but as someone who was involved in trying to address the situation you're referring to I want to make it absolutely clear that DG had nothing to do with the B10 statement, and was nothing but helpful to me and others throughout the process. I can't see how suggestions to the contrary can be justified. Banning him or anyone else from giving talks runs counter to everything that was trying to be achieved at that time. For people with no knowledge of what you're referring to it also reads like an extremely serious implication about DG. Please don't put out statements like this without contacting people who actually know about the circumstances, and respect the spirit of their intentions. Get in touch with me or anyone else who was involved if you want to talk about this more, but I strongly suggest you remove this statement and cease implying falsehoods about DG, whether you want him to speak at Goldsmiths or not."

SC - I can only respond to what I see, and have done so when directed to obvious bullshit like this.

AP 3/28/15 to SC, kD, AL, B, AS, D, CB, DG, JM, JBR, AP, Ad.

Authoring the thing 'Bloomsbury 10' was so ridiculously stupid. It just sounds so ominous for anyone who hasn't a clue what this is about. I think those involved who havent come forward and defended themselves in writing should probably reconsider as this obviously isnt going away.

SC 3/28/15 to kD, AL, B, AS, D, CB, DG, JM, JBR, AP, Ad. AK

All, JM,

I really do appreciate that you have made a clarification about DG.. however this for me does not cut it at all as it does NOT address the false claim against b10.

to go over this again, the claims are based on the letter that we wrote to the email list, which i attach again, with my underlined parts.

the claims that are made against us that i have screen grabs of, are :

- we victimed blamed and are rape appologists

- that we harrassed [REDACTED] and made her life hell in the ensuing years

- that we hid under a cloak of anonimity - ( WE WENT TO 2 FOLLOW UP MEETINGS in the following week - making it obvious who we were and what we wrote)

- that was said she was lying / making it up / said it was her fault

PLEASE READ WHAT WAS ACTUALLY WRITTEN ON THE STATEMENT!!!!!! IT IS ATTACHED!!!!!

to make this really clear pls read what i wrote in another p[rivate email to a member of sf earlier this month in regards to this letter:

----

I am prepared to take responsibility and argue over the contents of a letter i help write, discuss what it means, and the impact of it and its context... i am not prepared to accept falsifications of what was written, nor projections onto it by others of any inherent meaning or imagined bad motivation or intention.......

for example, i think a reading that is used to justify a lot of the victim blaming label attached to me ( and others ) in relation to the letter ( which after all started all this off more or less) logically works like this:

the first move is to take a single paragraph out of the context of the whole document ( i mean the paragraph that mentions the accountability panels omission of the discussion of knife play - i think this section is what cause most but not all of the accusations of rape apologia and victim blaming etc)

the second move is then to do two things with the de-contextualized paragraph:

1) make it stand it and negate every other written word on the b10 letter

2) and importantly then make the following argument:

something like ".. any mention of the context of the knife is TANTAMOUNT TO VICTIM BLAMING...." ... the claim is, the context of the knife is both irrelevant and at the same time any mention of it would only (be to) discredit her account...

er hello???? why do THEY think it discredits her account... (this is not what we ever said..we did however write that we fully acknowledge her account, this it needed serious responses which had already started, wanted dialogue and a different way of dealing with / you can read those sections i have highlighted them).. ..... this last move.. ( the context is discrediting) is their ( very troubling) projection onto what was intended, meant written, etc etc

im sure you see my point.

please think about the logic of that move....it is very odd and dubious....

-----

the accountability panel were criticised. NOT [REDACTED]!

when is this going to be put to rest..... THE ACCOUNTABILITY PANEL have said NOTHING.. for 3 years!!!!!! THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR.

you and others may disagree with me / b10 questioning and disrupting the process. BUT NOT BY FALSIFYING WHAT WAS WRITTEN>

I have had to put up with 3 YEARS of gaslighting me, having "anarchist" men abusing me personally, of being doxed online. I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE. THIS HAS TO STOP> THIS IS NOT A SAVE DG’s REP CAMPAIGN>

i want a meeting with you JM JB MCe and SB and TJ [all the members of the original accountability panel] and you were ALL in the process and have said NOTHING ABOUT ANY OF THE FUCKING LIES AND ABUSE BEING LEVELED AT ME AND OTHERS.

i am sick of this its BULLSHIT.

i spent 4 years of my fucking life in a (redacted)l. i have a locked and hidden social media account FOR A REASON. I WANT THIS SORTED OUT AND THE TUMBLR DOWN.

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