#i wont be eating for another half hour at least.

[swagging-back-to]

came home to discover my roomate but A DIRTY DISH *INSIDE* my pot of soup i had turned down to low to finish cooking while i ran to the bank.

just lost an entire box of veg stock, 5 potatoes, and a cup of lentils because shes so fucking outrageously retarded.

[kei-kinda-writes]

Rainy Days!

TYPE: Headcannons, Rainy days: It's a rainy day! what do you do to pass the time?

CHARACTERS (separate): Shoto Todoroki, Katsuki Bakugo, Denki Kaminari, Eijiro Kirishima, Izuku Midoriya, Hitoshi Shinso, Ochako Uraraka, Tsuyu Asui, Kiyoka Jiro

Can be red as platonic or romantic

SHOTO TODOROKI: Eating favourite food or snacks together

Very chill guy and would sit down with you to enjoy your favourite food together :D

Either you’ll sit in silence or work together on some homework: a good homework helper

No matter what it’d end up pretty quiet because I don’t think he’s very good with small conversations

Once a conversation does get going though he’ll engage and listen very well all you’d have to do is start it

If you end up finishing your food Shoto would end up offering to go get you some more while making himself some more soba

by the end he’s probably smiling a bit while listening to you and nodding along to what your saying

I think Shoto loves hearing stories about you too so if he got you to share some he’d love it

Will tell you a bit about his training since that’s the only thing he’d really know to talk about

KATSUKI BAKUGO: Baking

I know he can cook well but to me it would be the absolute funniest thing if he couldn’t bake if his life depended on it

no matter what this will end up in absolute chaos with a messy kitchen and constant banter and yelling

definitely a time to remember! You would probably be the one to bring up the idea and have to convince him

in the end though you would probably end up with some delicious 5 star deserts

He probably refuses to anything besides cupcakes or chocolate chip cookies though

Will laugh at you if you make a mess and force you to clean it up

Goodluck if you start a flour fight though! :) that’s the start of war and Katsuki won’t stop until he’s won

Took at least half an hour to clean the kitchen though

DENKI KAMINARI: Video games

Firm believer he likes video games and probably anime

Will play any game genre with you however has a preference towards horror or adventure games

If you play dress to impress though he will somehow absolutely destroy you and end up on the podium almost every time

some sort of music or TV show would be playing in the background if you aren’t playing a horror game though

Will scream like a little girl if you play horror games so you gotta prepare for that

Ends in a noise complaint 100%

would willingly try out a bunch of free games with you and rate them together with you

overall it’s an amazing time and I think even if you don’t play he’d still like for you to sit around and watch!

EIJIRO KIRISHIMA: Workout/Training

He likes working out and stuff lots so would invite for you to join him!

Won’t care if you do or don’t participate just enjoys the company and tells some of the best stories

Imagine he’s doing some sort of push ups or sit ups telling you about homework with Katsuki and you’re just sat listening and helping him out

if you do participate though he’ll be your personal cheerleader and always be so helpful and outgoing telling you good job on a constant

Might make a small competition to see who can do more push ups or lift more

Would be open to sparring too for more practice!

Another thing he might do with you on a rainy day is re-dye his hair which would likely end up in chaos and calling Mina in for help

IZUKU MIDORIYA: Movies

Like I’ve said before he probably really likes documentary movies and would invite you to watch one!

Wont mind if you end up choosing a different type of movie though as long as the two of you get to watch something together it makes him happy

Additionally won’t care if you’re doing work or scrolling through social media while watching I think he just likes having your company

If you are watching a documentary movie though be prepared for him to pause and rant about how a fact isn’t correct

So if you don’t like that he might not be the best person to watch a movie with!

If you end up falling asleep at any point though he’d cover you with a blanket or something along the lines of that and turn the volume down slightly so you won’t end up woken up

Will bring out an all might blanket to have whilst watching the movie too as well as some snacks! :D

Likely makes mental note of your favourites and buys some or at the very least grabs whatever you’d like from the dorm kitchen!

HITOSHI SHINSO: Naptime

He’s so sleep deprived and without a doubt takes naps

And when it starts raining? I mean come on we all know that’s perfect napping time

It would take awhile before he invites you to be his napping buddy but once you are it’s the absolute best

He probably has some of the comfiest pillows and blankets and the two of you bring out a small mat he has in his closet for sleepovers and just nap in the same room

Might also put on some sort of show as background noise if you need it or if you just don’t feel like napping

Adding onto that if you don’t wanna take a nap or just don’t feel tired he’d probably just leave you to your own devices and let you do whatever you’d like as long as you’re quiet

Won’t pressure you to nap with him would more like casually offer it on a rainy day to see if you’d like to join

OCHAKO URARAKA: Arts + crafts

Like I’ve said in a previous headcannon I think Uraraka enjoys doing little crafts like making bracelets together or painting stuff like that!

if you aren’t doing a messy craft you’d end up in a pile of pillows and blankets on the floor I think

if you end up making bracelets together I think she’d absolutely adore making matching ones together :))

Or something like switching canvases or papers every couple of minutes!!

I am a firm believer she listens to lofi beats so that would be playing in the background

warm lighting, silly banter and crafts, rain, and calming music, the vibes would be immaculate

After the stuff you two made is either hanging up somewhere in her dorm or she’s proudly wearing it around! :)

if you make little charms or something along those lines she would keep it in her costume for keepsakes much like the all might gift she received around the holidays episode

TSUYU ASUI: Playing in the rain

I know it’s a bit cliché, but from what we know about Tsu liking water I’m a firm believer that she likes the rain

Jumping, dancing, running around anything is on the table

She wouldn’t pressure you into playing with her, she would definitely enjoy it if you did however she’d be fine if you watched from inside or just on some steps under a roof

Building on that she probably is a very flexible person and wouldn’t mind just watching the rain with you if you don’t wanna get wet but still wanna spend time together :))

If you do end up playing in the rain together you’d probably both come back in with soaked clothes and muddy pants!

definitely calls it one of her favourite memories with you and probably asked to take a couple of photos together to remember the occasion

Photos from then were likely her phone background for awhile

KIYOKA JIRO: Learning instruments + listening to music

Jiro loves music we know that from the UA carnival concert ordeal thingy (idk what it’s called man)

I think it’s sorta like a love language of hers to teach music to the people around her

So if you’re open to it and willing to try she’d love to take advantage of the bad weather and teach you how to play an instrument

I’d say she’s pretty understanding if you have noise sensitivities or just aren’t willing to learn anything though

So if you aren’t too keen on it though or maybe you just don’t like loud noises she’s also spend time sharing her music with you :)

You’d be in her room just exchanging songs and such, she wouldn’t pressure to share songs either but would absolutely adore it if you did

After awhile if she ended up with a good knowledge of your music taste she would make a playlist and that’s the one she’d play every rainy day or in general time she spends with you!

Would be willing to paint nails or work on homework whilst listening

Thanks for reading!

Side note: Apologies if there’s any typos, things don’t make sense, or the characters feel as though they aren’t properly done!

[lillsisamarshmallow]

Angel | Mafia!Jimin x Reader {Teaser!}

Summary: Together forever, at least that's what they thought. When Jimin suddenly breaks up with Y/n, she is desperate to know why, but why wont he tell her? Y/n does her own investigation into why he suddenly cut off all contact, but will what she suspects be the truth?

Word count: 573

Warnings: Swearing, Let me know if I missed any!

Masterlist

If you enjoyed this work, please like, reblog, maybe leave a reply or even follow if you feel like it, it is much appreciated!

Taglist (Open)

@shadowyjellyfishfest @marblemoonstones  @jinseartharmysmoon

If I missed you or you would like to be added please let me know!

The car jumped as it went over another bump in the uneven track, jolting Jimin around, his hand still grasped around the handle above him, he kept his eyes straight ahead boring into the back of the driver's seat. The ride to their location had taken a turn into the bush, tracks from previous vehicles lead the way through the thick and dense forest, despite the rough ride it wasn't until the man beside him spoke that Jimin finally tore his eyes away from the headrest in front of him.

Turning to the side, Jimin's eyes met with the taller man, whose broad chest barely fit under the seatbelt that was wrapped around him, his long black hair and dark eyes, accompanied by his dark turtlenecked top and black coat. "Are you alright? You seemed spaced out." The man asked as he smiled.

Jimin already knew what he was going to say, the same thing he said every time someone asked this question in the last 2 weeks. "I'm fine, just tired Namjoon." Jimin gave his friend a fake smile as he responded, trying to seem more together than he really was, because the truth was, Jimin had been a wreck for the past month, he wasn't getting any sleep and kept going out on jobs to distract his mind, and when they wouldn't allow him, he would spend hours training, giving himself something else to focus on, anything else to focus on, anything, but you.

"Don't give me that shit, Jimin. I know something is up, we're almost there so tell me before we arrive." Namjoon responded half laughing at the start before his toned turned serious. "Is it about Y/n?"

Jimin sighed feeling defeated, they were both stuck in a car and now Namjoon wouldn't let it go. "It's just, I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I can't get her out of my head." Jimin confessed. "It's feels like I'm constantly drowning in my mind, something keeps pulling me down further and further. I wish it didn't have to be like this."

"I know, but you know this is how it has to be. It's too dangerous for her, we know what could happen if she gets too involved."

Jimin grunted in agreement and turned to look out the window, his sign of saying that this conversation was over, Jimin went on this mission to stop himself from thinking about you and now you were the only thing on his mind, and this wasn't helping. All Jimin wanted to do was stay holding you in his arms and tell you everything was going to be okay.

Oh how he'd wish that he was with you, still lying in bed after the alarms had gone off, slowly watching as the morning sun lit up the room around him, tucked in bed with tangled legs, the feeling of your chest slowly rising and falling against his own as your breath fanned over his neck, he wanted to whisper sweet nothings into your ear and tell you that everything would be okay, that he'd always be here with you, but he couldn't, he wasn't, instead of spending his days with you, he was forced to be here, away from you.

Namjoon seemed to take a hint and dropped it before letting Jimin know that they were arriving.

Hopefully this job would distract him from the only thing playing on his mind, you.

A/n: A teaser?! Wow, omg, she finally posted 😮 Hello! This is a teaser for a imagine that I've been working on for a while, it's inspired by 'Angel Pt2', it's also a completely new way of writing that I've never tried so hopefully it comes out well. I'm mostly done with the writing and I just need to edit it and maybe add a little bit more, but it should be out soon!

[side-shuffling-hyperfixations]

TMNT - The Pits

Summary: Don is rather reluctant to leave his work for a lunch break. Turns out the lunch doesn't find him very agreeable either.

“C’mon, Don. If this is a good stopping point, mark your spot,” Leo advised, rapping his knuckles lightly against the desk. The sound made Don’s stiff neck prickle, especially when it rattled all of the empty coffee cups nearby, although that wasn’t nearly as aggravating as the shadow Leo cast over the notes on his desk. “April just got back with lunch for everybody; she’ll want to say hi.”

When it came to long, spiraling equations like this, there was never really a good place to “mark one’s spot”, but it wasn’t like he had gotten much done with Leo intermittently hovering for the last ten minutes and now that at least one of the wheels on his train of thought had slipped, Don was more aware of the yawning pit in his stomach. Even so, his grip tightened reluctantly on his pencil.

“We see April practically every day…” he pointed out—a little guiltily, of course, but only a little. She was one of his best friends, he thoroughly enjoyed her company, and he was too busy to enjoy it properly right now. “Can’t I just eat in here? I’m right in the middle of something.”

“Donatello.” It was a notably soft touch by Leo’s typical full-naming standards—not nearly as stern as he’d sound with Raph, not as deeply resigned as he would with Mikey—but it did its job, informing Don in a small, swift stroke that this was a fight he wouldn’t win. “You were holed up in here all day yesterday, half the day before, we haven’t seen you today since morning training and I could hear your stomach growling from a couple yards away. Pretty sure you’re overdue for a break. Not to mention April’s treating all of us; it’s only polite to thank her in person.”

“Okay, okay, points made and taken. I’m coming,” Don sighed, although he was unable to resist flinging his pencil at his brother in some exasperation. It wasn’t as satisfying when Leo easily swiped it out of the air and flicked it back into the one clean coffee mug amidst the cluster designated as pen and pencil holder. “…Showoff.”

A mischievous grin from the eldest was a rare and usually welcome sight but since when was he the one to have fun at the expense of important work? Every ounce of Don, mind and body, protested the disruption as he creaked upright and out of his chair for the first time in…what was it, only six or seven hours?

Okay, sure, I see how it is. Leo was free to spend similar sums of time in meditation, sharpening his mind, rising above these basic life things like food and socializing but Don’s lab work had to be shuffled aside?

And that right there was the crankiness of sleep deprivation talking. As Leo had so kindly reminded him, he’d been engrossed in this process for nearly a day and a half and last night his brain had refused to turn off for more than a couple hours at…some point past three AM.

Deep inhale, slow exhale. A quick lunch wasn’t that complicated. Stretch—he did so gingerly, the snap-crackle-pop of achy joints reminding him of cereal to lure another growl from his stomach—sit with the family, let Mikey dominate most of the chitchat as he was wont to do, cram the food, thank April and then get back after it.

It would be a half hour tops, a detour rather than a derailing, he reassured himself, rubbing a graphite-stained hand down his face before resting it briefly on Leo’s shell as they walked. He was just looking out for him.

As if reading his mind, sensing that little bit of give, Leo returned the pat on the back in kind. Then he actually had the cheek to add, with all the casually feigned innocence of a Mikey-style ploy, “And, you know, maybe after lunch you ought to lie down for a little while, just as a reset so you can come back to it with a clear head…”

And end up kicking himself later when a quick, harmless catnap turned into a twelve-hour setback snooze? Coming to all groggy and out of it, forgetting the thread of what he was working on? He shook his head with a small, knowing chuckle. “Don’t push it, Mom.”

“Well, it was worth a shot.”

Despite his reluctance it was nice to see a friendly face in April as she glanced up from the combo meals being dispersed across the table and smiled at him.

“Hey, Don!”

“Hi, April.”

“Would ya look at that? The prodigal prodigy emerges,” Raph grunted around a mouthful of fries. It figured that he wouldn’t wait for them to arrive before digging in, although he was just as quick to swat Mikey’s hand as it crept to snatch a fry or two from his plate. “Lay off, Mikey! You better get it while the gettin’s good, Don, before the vulture here starts pickin’ at ya.”

Undeterred even after he had to shake the sting out of his dorsum, Mikey perked up and wiggled the fingers of his opposite hand hopefully. “Can I have your fries if you don’t finish ’em, Donnie?”

“I haven’t even started yet! But the answer is no in advance.” The more thoroughly he cleaned his plate now, the more time he might buy before a concerned family member came circling around the lab to insist he was malnourished again and extract him for dinner.

By the time Leo got to his seat, Don was already swallowing his second bite with only slight difficulty. April hadn’t brought them food from this burger joint before; the inner texture of the bun was oddly mushy in comparison to the well toasted top. Don brushed off the thought as soon as it occurred. It might have just soaked up some fatty grease from the meat on the way over. Food was food. After all their childhood years of survival on Splinter’s dumpster diving and how long it had taken Mikey to hone his cooking craft, a squishy mouthfeel was not uncommon—certainly not enough to distract him from kicking Mikey under the table after he none-too-subtly tried his hand at Leo’s fries too.

For the first fifteen minutes or so, the small talk was exactly what he’d anticipated—laughing and jeering at word of Casey’s latest shenanigans, casual appraisal of April’s latest antiques, describing a few of the moves Master Splinter had introduced to them during morning training. He did his best to nod along here and there, although the unexpected kick of heat in his meal held his tongue from actually contributing much. It wasn’t until April faltered, performing a double take over her plate, that he fully tuned in to what was happening.

“Hey, wait a second; I just remembered mine was supposed to be an avocado burger! Did one of you guys get it?” The turtles froze at that, allowing her to turn a stern eye on the pre-established food vulture. “Mikey, you better not have swapped them! I paid three more bucks for that one.”

If he and his brothers weren’t already green, their faces would have turned as much as they balked, dropping the remnants of their food as if it had burned them—not that Don even had much left, merely an edge of crust. April reeled back slightly, startled by this reaction.

“What’s the matter?”

“Ah, shell,” Raph spat, hastily hawking a half-chewed mass into his crumpled napkin as Leo leapt upright and started picking over all the plates.

“You didn’t, Mikey, right?” he demanded. “You didn’t shuffle them around to be funny or get the extra toppings or—?”

“No, I-I just took whichever one got passed down here!” Mikey was belatedly scrubbing his hands over his mouth, snatching up the nearest soda to swish and then spit back into the cup.

“Guys, what is it? What’s wrong?” April asked again, more frantic as she detected the air of urgency.

“…The texture seemed off to me,” Don piped up faintly, drawing all wide eyes. Now as he swallowed hard against the oily residue, he was acutely aware of how tingly his tongue was, how tight his throat felt with his heart lodged in it and racing. “I didn’t even take a second to check it, I just thought…”

He didn’t think; he hadn’t thought twice about it. He was tired, he was distracted, he was in such a begrudging hurry to get this lunch over and done with—Apparently Turtle Luck had decided the delay of his work would be a lot more than thirty minutes.

Raph’s next curses were a lot more colorful as he upended his chair and sprinted for the trash can, sweeping what was left of their meal off the table and into the bag before thrusting it under Don’s chin. “Chuck it!” he commanded. “However you gotta do it, stick a finger in your throat, a punch in the gut or—”

“Can I help?! I can help, I got it!” Mikey scrambled over, hauling Don up onto weak, trembling legs to envelop him in a bear hug from behind. “What’s it called, the, uh, the—the Heimlich maneuver, right?”

“He’s not chokin’, Mike, it already went down!”

It may not have been the right scenario but the tension of Mikey’s arms around his ribs combined with the stench of the nearly overflowing garbage can right in his face, the nausea already roiling and a surprise attack from Leo to a pressure point in his wrist were quick to build into a disgusting mouthful of off-green sludge. Bile came hot on its heels, embittered by his last cup of coffee yet to be fully absorbed, and turned a gasp into another gag. Between spitting and sputtering, he couldn’t catch a full breath.

“Donnie’s allergic to avocado?!”

“We all are, sort of?!” Mikey stammered, which obviously did very little to explain, much less quell April’s alarm, but he was a little busy adjusting his hold to thump Donnie hard on the shell. “C’mon, bro, keep it coming, get all the oopsies out!”

The force it required for a lunch just settling to stir again and slug all the way back to the surface had Don’s stomach twisting viciously and his vision blurring with reflexive tears. “Not exactly an—allergen,” he choked out, voice shaking through a chain of wet coughs. “T-Toxin.”

What little color was left in April’s face blanched away. “Wha—I poisoned you?!”

“S’ a chemical c-called persin. Birds and reptiles are, uh—” Mikey’s next thump knocked him off balance, forcing Raph to grab his shoulder with one hand and awkwardly wedge the trash can against his plastron with the other. It honestly did feel like an effective punch to the gut, his wheeze hitching into a gurgle. “—Nnh—not big f-fans.”

“So what, do you guys have something like an EpiPen or Benadryl for poison? What do we do?!”

“Couldn’t tell ya! We ain’t ever had this happen before!” Raph snapped, made harsh with stress and the pressure of April flitting helplessly around them.

“We stay calm,” Leo urged, the panicky flutter of his hands betraying his terse, level tone as he grabbed a napkin and mopped up the sour spittle dripping down Don’s chin, the other hand pressing at his clammy, swollen neck for his pulse. “Donnie, focus, talk to us.” While you still can, he didn’t say. “What do you need?”

Somehow Leo trusted him to just know, to have done his research on the subject at some point and use it to guide them through. No pressure, except that of his throat wanting to close.

“IV,” he rasped, listing into Leo’s touch in the hopes he could help support his suddenly heavy head. “Saline s-should dilute it.”

“Raph—”

“I’m on it!” The trash can hit the ground and tipped over with a thud and a spatter as Raph bolted with reckless abandon toward the lab to gather the makings of an infusion. For all his heavy-handed methods in other areas of life, he had the delicate work of threading a needle down pat; he could find a vein for fluids just as deftly as Don.

“Mikey, t-two things: syrup, a small brown bottle, and ch—hhgh—charcoal powder.” As Mikey jerked an anxious nod and sprinted after Raph, Don blinked blearily at his hands for a few moments before fumbling them over Leo’s arms. “M’too s-shaky to measure out the doses. You’ll have to…”

“Just tell me what I need to do.”

“Syrup first, fifteen milliliters. Then eight ounces of water. Anything I haven’t t-thrown up already, that ought to do it. Twenty or thirty minutes. Then charcoal. Multi-dose activated charcoal is—” Unseen fingers around his lungs squeezed to punish him for so much conversation, cutting him off with a series of hiccupping coughs that had his head spinning in a haze. He thought he was tired before all of this? For all that his system had refused to shut down last night, it sure felt like it was heading for a blue screen of death now.

“Okay, okay, you’re really pale. Let’s sit you back down fast before your legs give out, here we go—you’re doing great, Don, you just need to stick it out a little longer. Stay with me. Come on, tell me about the charcoal. You said multiple doses? How do I start?”

“Ten to one ratio…to the toxin…” Of which they had no idea how much he had actually ingested. The restaurant wouldn’t have precisely measured out the portion; they would have just slapped it on. “…or one gram per kilogram of b-bodyweight. Then repeat doses…ten to twenty-five grams every…two or four hours.”

The world had tipped sideways as Leo steered him back to his chair; it was still bobbing strangely with Leo’s head as he nodded rapidly along.

“Fifteen for syrup, eight ounces of water, twenty or thirty minutes, ten to one—” An incredulous noise that couldn’t quite call itself a laugh escaped him as he rechecked Don’s pulse with one hand, cupped his face with the other. “And here I was trying to get you to take a break from equations.”

“Mmm. With the benefit of—hhh—h-hindsight, a nap probably would’ve been nice right about now.” Instead he had Raph skidding in with one of their salvaged IV stands and a needle sliding into his forearm with no further ado or warning, Mikey bounding over on his other side to slosh the syrup bottle at him with dizzying speed.

“I got it, I got it! How much of this stuff do you—?”

“A tablespoon! I got all the steps for medicine written down!” April announced, waving the back of the fast food bag upon which she had been madly scribbling along to Donnie’s voice. “Is there anything else I can do?”

“Pick up the t-trash can, maybe?” Excess saliva pooled again under his tongue, preemptive to the bitter medicines in his future. “I’m gonna need it f-for a while.”

The beats that followed this implication were uneasy: Mikey clattering loudly through the utensils; Raph’s foot tapping restlessly as he watched the fluids increase from an agonizingly slow drip to a proper flow, his tight-knuckled grip on the IV stand making the rickety old metal creak; Leo overfilling the eight-ounce glass of water in his haste, April fidgeting with the paper bag…and the sheer amount of guilt furrowing her brows and thinning her lips was enough to twist another knot into Don’s cramping stomach.

He hadn’t even wanted to participate in the first place but really, was a calm, uneventful family meal so much to ask?

“Hey, April…?” he called hesitantly, though it was more of a croak. “One more thing?”

“Of course, anything!”

“Maybe you could duck out and grab a…a nice, safe conciliatory pizza? After this mess all comes back out, I’ll…technically be able to say I haven’t had lunch.”

[slashingdisneypasta]

How would your horror/slasher faves take care of you when you're sick? 🥺 (I know you've done a cheering up hcs before but maybe this is a lil different ^^)

Get well soon!! Take care of yourself <333

THIS IS SO SWEET! Thank you! ^^ <3<3<3 I hope you're doing better too with your life stuff or at least you will be very soon ^^

I took this opportunity to be super super self indulgent! XD 😅

Horror Villains x Reader || Headcanons +Imagines at the Bottom

Topic: Taking care of you when you're sick ^^

Includes (For HC's): Jim Bickerman and Otis B. Driftwood. Included (For Imagines): Bo Sinclair, Chucky Lee Ray, Drayton Sawyer, Freddy Krueger and Jeffrey Hawk/The Clown. (They aren't in this order, sorry 😅)

Warnings: Otis fucking Driftwood (Meaning nasty smut hc's and a liiitle dub con)

Jim Bickerman:

If you get really clingy when you're sick like me (Opposite to me when I'm healthy 😅😅) he is absolutely on board with that XD Honestly he loves having you sticking close to him, going to him for warmth, laughing a little too easy at dumb jokes, listening intently to whatever he's saying... he eats it up. You're like an adorable little puppy dog, hangin' onto him. He'll almost be disappointed when you get better and don't act like that anymore 😅😅😅

"... Do you need help gettin' changed? I'm happy to help y'out pumpkin, really! Ul-ulterior motive?? No... "

Usually he's a frozen meal kinda man; he's probably got a freezer just packed full of pizza's and little microwave meals, and the most gourmet thing he 'cooks' regularly is campfire sausages in the backyard- but he knows how to make chicken soup and mash some potato's and that's his first duty when you wake up sick as a dog.

You get to wear one of his flannels when you're sick (:(:(: Its big and thick and probably smells like spilled alcohol.

He's probably gonna get himself sick too because he can not stay away from you. He'll be sat next to you most of the time- watching tv with you and entertaining you, eating soup with you, having tea with you, napping with you- basically, this is not your sickness. This is both of y'alls sickness 😅😅😅

"Here, this'll help. Promise ya."

"... That is a bottle of bourbon."

"Exactly." *Shakes it in your face*

Otis B Driftwood (NSFW mostly)

You think a little bit of snot is gonna deter this freak man??? Uh, no. He's still going to try and fuck you if he can swing it. You look so fucking cute with your sore, sore red nose from wiping so much, the bags under your eyes are sexy as hell to him, and you're moving so damn slowly... you think he isn't gonna take that as an opportunity?

So yeah... he is actually quite into you when you're sick. And he'll probably exhaust you to the point that you'll be sleeping a lot and get through this much faster then usual!

He will kiss you, full on the mouth with a foul amount of tongue (Lets see if we can soothe your throat, baby), so I hope his immune system is good.

He is happy to just warm his cock in you while you sleep, or lay there and babble because you're half really unwell and halfway to an orgasm at the same time. You're just so fucking cute.

He is also happy to eat you out/blow you and overstimulate you for hours. What?? This way he wont get sick himself! Isn't that better, you gross, diseased little slut?

Otis also doesn't shy away from mess (Obviously), so if you have tissues everywhere he's not gonna look at you sideways or anything ^^ Which is such a load off my mind, at least! ^^

He's not gonna make you something good to eat, but he's not a total animal- especially when he gets older. He will make you a cup of tea, and you better like it XD

You need a ride to the bathroom? Otis will haul you on his shoulder the whole way and set you down right on the toilet seat 😅 You need someone to hold you up in the shower? Otis is on it- he needs a shower anyway.

+ Imagines

Another one who does not give a damn how 'gross' you might be when you're sick is Jeffrey/the clown. He'll have you set on his big lap snoozing against his shoulder or sniffling and coughing into tissues while he messes around with different potions in his trailer, just keeping you warm and comfortable there. He says if you can put up with him coughing and hacking all over ya all the time he can damn sure handle you're adorable fucken self whimpering into his shoulder all day.

If you tend to have bad dreams when you're unwell due to your fever like I do: Imagine frowning in your sleep, pressing your lips together in a tight line as the scenes in your head just replay or get worse the harder you try to get rid of them or distract yourself. But there's immediate relief as soon as Freddy enters your dream. Just his presence is comforting to you ^^

Imagine convincing Drayton to come to bed with you instead of back to work. It takes some convincing, but its no secret he likes you more then anyone else in the world- literally- and he gives in after a while. He gets back in, fully clothed, and delicately but purposefully gets in close so you can cuddle up to him, sayin 'just for a couple minutes okay??' very sternly, before he falls asleep to you stroking his surprisingly soft hair.

Imagine sitting on a bench in Bo's shop while he works, slowly just making your way through a roll of toilet paper there because you just couldn't bear to be away from him- even if he was paying little attention to you. Imagine him, though, taking a break eventually and standing between your legs, his hands warm on your thighs, to ask you how yer goin, doll?

Chucky's conscious of your illness and does not want to get it, but he'll sit out on the ground on the other side of your bedroom door and talk to you through it. Ask you if you're alive still, talk about whatever goes through his head just to hear you hum in acknowledgement, play 20 questions while he fiddles with a lighter... that kind of thing. And he'll also cook you some soup later (He's just an asshole- not an incompetent asshole).

[bigmandongle]

oh my god the neverending desire to be the world's biggest brat. making ur dom so fucking angry because you wont stop bitching no matter what they try. all of your normal punishments dont seem to shut you up this time.

so they leave you. they just leave the room. you'd been mouthing off for over an hour and they'd had enough, so they shut the door on you, keeping you tied up all spread out on the bed, fully naked. the marks they'd inflicted across your skin are darkening in the evening light and all you wish you had was their attention on you again.

about half an hour later (though you couldn't have kept track), they come back into the room with a bowl. did they bring you a treat for being so patient??

they sit down on the foot of your bed and lift up the spoon. your heart sinks as you realise they brought a bowl of ice cream for themselves to eat while watching you. food as company to watch you squirm under their gaze.

"that's not fair," you whine.

"did i say it would be?" they take another mouthful.

they drag the metal spoon up and down your legs, smirking when goosebumps ripple over your skin.

"can i have some, at least?" you ask, hopefully.

"why would you ever deserve that, my love? you really think you can act like an asshole and still get a treat?" they ask, raking their eyes slowly over your body.

you muster up some confidence to look them in the eyes, and say, "...maybe..."

they tilt their head back and laugh at your pure stupidity, getting so riled up they almost drop the bowl. when they calm down, they stare at you coldly.

it's uncomfortable. to break the silence, you ask, "what do i have to do to get a treat?" you put on your best pleading face.

"oh honey, that shouldn't be your question right now. you should be pleading and begging me to not leave you here for another few hours, leaving me ample time to think of a punishment that would be your worst fucking nightmare, darling."

~~~~~

uhh idk what that was but !! hope you liked it & lemme know if u wanna read more stuff like that :3

[pastanest]

if you’re wondering why I’m having to repost this, or why you were perhaps previously following me but no longer are, please refer to this post. I was able to retrieve this thanks to @dreatine - thanks so much!! ♡

Eleven Minutes

7:20…

Spencer’s phone dings, snapping his vision away from scrutinising his reflection in the mirror.

“Ok, Im now leaving, see you there!”

A text. That’s how it all started, a single text from you. He remembers it like it was yesterday, but he remembers every single one of the 14 days since, even clearer. After 7 months of no communication, you appeared on his phone.

“Just saw the cutest dog in existence”

Of course he hadnt deleted your number, and your text proved you hadnt deleted his either, or maybe you had, but you’d memorised it. He’d replied with a single perplexed question mark, and you sent him another text in seconds.

“Seriously, look, you wont believe it”

With that one, you attached a picture of the dog you’d seen, and he realised what you were doing. Breaking the ice in the least awkward way possible. And you succeeded. Everyday since, you and Spencer have been exchanging casual texts, picking up right where you left off but in a way he’d never expected.

7:22…

He checks his reflection one more time in the mirror, fixing his hair and your favourite tie of his, before texting you a reply.

“Im on my way!”

It was like you’d never broken up. Spencer coped with not having an explanation for 7 days, then he couldnt take it. The curiosity was eating at him until he finally caved and called you.

7:24…

Spencer remembered the way his heart leapt, hearing your voice for the first time in so long. It brings a smile to his face as he locks his front door and begins walking down the street.

“Spence…it’s 2am, what in the world couldnt wait just a few more hours?” He could tell he’d woken you from a deep sleep, and he felt terrible, but he couldnt put this off any longer.

“This cant wait. Please.”

You cleared your throat, sensing the seriousness of his reasoning without even knowing what it was. “Okay, okay, what’s up?”

The question fell from his lips in a hurried jumble. “Why did you start talking to me again?”

Silence.

7:24…

The streetlights guide him, and he cant help seeing the coincidence within them. Spencer only ever notices how bright the world he is when you’re around.

That night, he took a breath, about to speak, but you finally answered.

“I missed you.”

And that was all he needed. He didnt question any further, and the two of you talked on the phone until the sun came up. He knew enough, and you could always read him like a book; he knew that you knew without even asking, your feelings were reciprocated, always.

7:26…

It was light night that Spencer suggested the two of you meet up for the first time in what felt like an eternity, and it was you who asked if it would be a date. That, he said, was up to you. Well then, I guess it’s a date, he recalls you chirping, his mind replaying your excitement, causing him to light up. Spencer looks down at the ground as he walks, to hide his expression in case anyone saw him walking alone and wondered why he was smiling so widely to himself.

7:28…

Round the corner is the bar you suggested meeting at, because it’s so close to where Spencer lives, so it’s one the two of you used to visit regularly. Like old times, he thinks blissfully. You arranged to meet at half past 7, and he’s close by, he doesnt want to arrive early or before you, he doesnt want to seem overly eager, so he stops.

7:30…

Leaning against the brick wall of the building behind the bar, Spencer lets his head roll back to look up at the night sky. He’s mere seconds away from being where you want him to be, where he’ll finally get to see you again. He wonders how this will work, is he supposed to greet you with a kiss on the cheek, or a hug? And at the end of the date, what happens in this scenario? Is kissing you too forward? Too soon? Spencer knows you better than anyone, but in this situation, when the two of you havent been in each other’s presence for so long, he doesnt know how much of you still responds to him in the same way. He doesnt want his excitement to be replaced by nervousness, he shakes his head and tries to focus on the positives. Like seeing your smile, hearing your voice and your laugh in person, looking into your eyes, making you blush, performing his cheesiest pickup lines so that you dramatically swoon before the two of you collapse into fits of laughter.

Scenes play out in Spencer’s head, making him dizzy in the best way, opening the door of the butterfly cage in his stomach. It’s time. His hands begin to shake lightly at his sides as he takes a deep breath and steps away from the wall, turning in the direction of the bar. But Spencer only manages to take a single step before the sound of a gunshot pierces the air, and his blood runs cold.

…7:21

Your eyes flick down from the street in front of you every few seconds as you await his reply. He might cancel, right now, he could get cold feet or realise this is a bad idea, he could-

A gentle smile overtakes your features as you read the text from Spencer. He’s going to be there, you’re really going to see each other again. Your cheeks flush pink at the thought of him just smiling at you, you feel like a high school girl with a crush, not an adult woman going on a date with her ex. That phrasing is so bitter, you shake your head, this is a good thing! It’s going to work itself out. You two will be fine, like you always are.

…7:23

Tucking your phone into your bag and zipping it shut, you nod to yourself as a mantra of positive thoughts towards this situation flood your mind, reassuring you that this is the right thing to you.

Last night you booked a hotel room down the street so that you could walk to the bar rather than have to rely on public transport. You want to arrive on time, early even, so that you dont miss a minute of tonight.

…7:25

You clutch the strap of your bag with one hand, your other hand flattening your dress against the gentle breeze. The material of the dress is soft, it’s technically a summer dress, not entirely weather appropriate for a colder-than-average night, but it doesnt matter. Spencer’s eyes used to fall out of his skull whenever he saw you in this dress. On the summer nights when he was working late and you’d show up at his desk, gifting him with food you’d prepared for him yourself. You’d keep him company until he was done with his work, keeping the smile on his face that he couldnt find the words to thank you for. Lost in thought, you tuck your hair behind your ears shyly, as though he’s smiling at you and calling you beautiful now, rather than in a memory.

…7:27

Another cool wind caresses you, and you’re quick to wrap your leather jacket further around yourself. A summer dress and a leather jacket, the best combination to reassure Spencer that you’re still the same badass who’s very obviously wholesome too. Exactly what you’re hoping he misses, even if he didnt verbally confirm that on the night you told him you missed him. Doubting is pointless and will only make you insecure, you remind yourself, Spencer suggested to meet, he replied to all your texts, he called you at 2am because you were on his mind. Everything is going to be fine, this is right.

…7:29

The warm glow from the lights beyond the bar windows greet you as you reach the building, and you lean against the wall. Looking over your shoulder, you peak in the windows, knowing Spencer wont be there since you arranged to meet outside, but wanting to check regardless. Just in case. You take your phone out of your bag to check the time. He only lives down the street, he’ll be here any second. You turn to face the direction you know he’ll be walking from, along the same street the two of you laughed down countless times, tipsy and serenading each other with whatever song you’d favoured on the bar playlist that night. Tucking your phone back in your bag, you let yourself relax. This will bring the two of you back together, where you belong.

“Hey there pretty girl, what’re you doing all by yourself?”

You roll your eyes at the voice behind you.

“Try to flirt with me again and I’ll rip your midget dick off.” You say without bothering to turn around, still waiting for Spencer to round the corner.

The voice behind you laughs. “I dont think it’s you that should be making threats here, sweetheart.”

The click of a gun takes you out of your badass state of mind. You slowly turn around, clutching the strap of your bag, annoyed at yourself for putting your phone away. Back when you and Spencer were together, he helped teach you how to call him with your phone behind your back. But that’s useless now.

“What do you want?” You ask, your voice less sharp, more negotiable.

The man tilts his gun towards your hip. “Your bag, it looks pretty expensive, and I need a ticket out of here, fast.”

You shake your head and take a step back. “No, I cant. There’s nothing of value in there, just sentimental stuff. Please, go, I wont tell anyone I saw-“

He cuts you off. “BULLSHIT! Give me your fucking bag!”

You nod and hold your hands up. “Okay, okay, calm down, let’s do this slowly. Im going to pass you my bag, but please lower your gun so you dont accidentally shoot me.”

He scoffs, but lowers his gun as you hold your bag out to him.

…7:31

He reaches for your bag, the moment seeming to pass in slow motion, until you take your chance. You yank your bag back to your side and make a run for it, knowing Spencer cant be far, he’ll protect you. A gunshot sounds before you make it round the corner, and before you have time to process it, you’re lying on the sidewalk.

Spencer runs down the street, reaching you in a few steps. He sees the man running down the street, the way your hands are still clinging to your bag as you lie on your side, and he puts the pieces together in less than a second. Crouching at your side, he gently takes ahold of your face with shaking hands. He’s always been so careful with you, but now so more than ever. Your eyes are closed, but you smile in recognition.

“(Y/N), stay with me, please!” Spencer pleads desperately, tears already cascading down his face at a rapid rate.

His hands make quick work of taking both of yours in one of his, which he then presses to the bullet wound in your side, while his other hand reaches for his phone and holds it to his ear. His report to emergency services is brief but informative, done in less than 20 seconds, before his full attention is back on you.

“I-I cant lose you again, not like this! Please, dont go!” Spencer sobs, using his now free hand to carefully move your hair out of your face.

“There’s something for you…in my bag.” Your voice is so quiet, so weak, as the pool of blood grows beneath you.

Spencer’s free hand digs through your bag, ignoring the feeling of things he expects to be there, like your house keys, until he finds a small piece of paper that’s folded in half.

“Open it.” You whisper, opening your eyes as much as you can, an exhausted squint watching him as he unfolds the paper.

Just in case I didnt have the balls to tell you tonight-

Spencer shakes his head. “I dont need to read this, you can tell me once we’re at the hospital, after a nap, okay?” His voice is as soft as yours, weak in an entirely different sense.

You smile up at him. “Even if that’s what happens next…I want you to read it. Didnt think I’d get to see your reaction to it, so I’ll take this chance. Please read it.”

Spencer sniffles and nods, reflecting your smile. “For you? Anything.”

He unfolds the paper again.

Just in case I didnt have the balls to tell you tonight, I still love you, Spence. I always have, and always will.

Spencer’s chin wobbles as fresh tears with an entirely different meaning fill his eyes. He doesnt waste another opportunity to verbally reciprocate feelings, and he clears his throat.

“I love you too, (Y/N). Always have, always will.” His voice is hoarse and shaky.

You grin up at him with everything you have, moving one of your hands away from your wound, Spencer having to loosen his hold on your hands in order to let you go. You lift your bloody hand to his cheek and he holds it there, nuzzling into your palm, neither of you caring about getting your blood on his face.

“Nice tie.”

Spencer parts his lips to reply, to tell you that you look beautiful in the dress he’d noticed you wearing as soon as he saw you, but your eyes flutter closed. He hadnt noticed just how big the pool of blood had gotten, it’s soaked through the knees of his suit trousers. His shaking hand goes to your neck, his fingers checking your pulse, desperate to detect any sign of life. But he doesnt feel anything. Except he does, he feels every aspect of his very being shatter, leaving him a shaking, sobbing mess. The gentle smile stays on your face, blue lights from the ambulance casting a glow on your beautiful face that makes you look even less alive. But Spencer doesnt hear the sirens, not over his own agonising screams. You are gone. If he had just walked around that corner, if he hadnt been so caught up in making a good impression on someone he already knew, he could have saved you. Or he could have taken your place. He’s without you, again, but this time in the worst way possible.

[hayleylwong]

reflection 05-02-2023 9:15pm

9:15 - today i am annoyed and frustrated. my roommates have been getting bolder and i am still unable to confront them. today i returned to my dorm and found the fairy lights from my box from angie turned off. i thought this was odd bc they dont turn off bc the switch is broken and u have to use a safety pin or something similar. anyways after inspection it appeared that the battery case of the lights had been broken into and a battery taken out so that the lights would turn off. theyre not even that bright and ive seen my roommates literally sleep with their laptops on playing shows out loud all night. anyways the battery thing was extra annoying bc the panel that comes off to change the batteries was missing the little pieces that keep it attached so they literally broke it im very upset. also i only ate like ten caramel things from the bag that was in there and now its a lot less full. i am very upset but i dont know how to confront them. i also think they ate the rest of my trader joe takis idk why they think i wont notice if they just leave a few left. there were like ten left in there when i brought it back and then i opened it again and there were two. who is such a glutton that they go through someones stuff just to take like eight pieces. i have begun to take before and after pictures of all my stuff so i will know if they have gone through it. i think they also ate my granola bc the bag was resealed differently than how i do it. i would never clip it back so ugly. i also think they ate my pretzels and peanut butter cups and i know they ate my chocolate pretzels last week. and they definitely ate my chips too i dont understand why they dont just go buy it themselves theyre literally all international and out of state and have expensive unnecessary products. my tissue box that i only used three tissues from was empty too do they really think if they leave two left that i will gaslight myself into thinking i used a hundred tissues in half a week when i literally wasnt even in the dorm for more than like an hour total. also i started to feel a pimple forming on my nose so i went to get one of my pimple patches and the box that i know there were at least 12 left an entire whole sheet was left and it was just the packaging i am very upset especially because they are twice as expensive at the westwood target. whose disgusting face needs to use that many pimple patches i am very upset. i am going to start using their olaplex and kerastase hair products in the shower and using their expensive face products i do not care anymore. i am very upset. i am going to ask my ra friend for advice and tell him that next time they throw in the dorm he should go yell at them. he should also tell them that youre violating our roommate agreement by having unannounced guests over half the week sleeping in the living room. i want to start leaving my food to spoil on purpose so that when they eat it they get food poisoning or something i am very upset. i dont understand why they feel the need to take my stuff im literally going to keep a log of everything missing and charge them at the end of the quarter. they broke my fridge and the freezer part has no door anymore and is covered in like an inch of ice. and i swear i had another two bags of frozen stuff in there that is now gone so they probably ate that too. literally whenever i open anything they take it upon themselves to eat half of whatevers in there and leave like a tiny bit left wtf. but i am very bad at confrontation but i prob need to try by myself before going to the ra. i am very upset. literally what did i do to them. i am very upset. oh yeah today i got like six hours of sleep and ate grilled cheese and tomato soup from kerckhoff cafe and then got boba from sharetea and then i had ramen from feast for dinner and i got cafe 1919 for dessert. everything was so good. after my laundry which i have time to do for the first time in three weeks ! after i finish i am going on a topgolf date w my friend lol. hes paying ahaha. i hope i still have time to meet my club friends after.

10:53 - we are not going to topgolf anymore bc the waitlist is full. oh well lol i feel like he did this on purpose so that i would have to pay for it next time bc we agreed to alternate paying for dates. we are still going somewhere though i guess.

[crown-bearers-of-the-new-faith]

Narinders backstory: a story of neglect

Or how a black cat became a god

[trigger warnings: abuse / trauma / hurt / blood]

[I consider to put this on ao3 too... probably wont]

[I was writing for half hour I think. I saved and went to check if it saved correctly. It didn't seem to. Luckily when I left and reopened the app it was there. Phew. That was scary]

When I woke up I found myself in a mostly dark space. The only light came from a crack in the door.

As I moved, I noticed my arms in chains. Just great. That had to be how I was supposed to be held captive. Hanging off a wall.

I tried to wring myself free, pulling with my might at the shackles, unable to break free as I felt the metal rub against my skin. Damn that hurt.

"Let me out you bastard!" I cried out. "Anyone, get me out of here!" To no avail. They did this as a punishment. I should've understood that, but I couldn't. He insulted my sister. I didn't know what to do.

Several days passed. No one ever came. The Hunger was getting unmanageable. The place slowly gained a stench of urine and feces. My shoulders and arms hurt from the exhaustion as my flesh bled and stung, infected from the rubbing of the chains. I couldn't keep holding onto the chain, so not to damage my joints too much from the pressure, as after a while the energy it took to hold on was no longer in me.

It was just time till maggots would appear, eating at my flesh, I thought to myself.

So I waited.

And waited.

But it never came.

Instead came the heat. The inability to breathe. The smoke.

I cought as the ash came into my lungs. Really the perfect conditions for someone with asthma, damn it.

A fire. I knew that much. A fire and I won't be able to escape. I was locked in. I'll die. Those were my only thoughts at the moment, apart from the hope that I'll suffocate before I burn alive.

Somehow the coughing took someone's attention, as they unlocked the door. Some creature, a cat, with a hood on its head, unlocked the door in shock, shouting "There is someone here!"

Another unfamiliar voice spoke. "Let it be. We are here just for the gold."

For a glimpse of the moment, the cats eyes caught up with mine. Remorse, sadness in them. "But boss, it won't survive if we leave it here."

"I told you, leave it. The place will burn down soon. Grab what we need." The other voice demanded.

I quickly tried to collect some words to say, to convince them otherwise, but it came out as incoherent mumbling. The cat stared at me for a moment before mumbling back. "I'll take off your chains, you'll have to break out of here yourself. That's all I can do for you now..."

"Thank you" I whispered. They looked at me and gave me a smile, before using a crowbar to break the chains off my arms. The parts around my wrists remained but at least I was no longer stuck to the wall. Then they left.

[Part 2]

[Part 4]

[zhekiel]

imo there's no point in being sad, overtly, at any single point "just because" my mom is dead

sometimes, i really feel the grief acutely.

like i saw this video about an f1 (?) racer who got into a crash and his car caught on fire, and while he could feel the heat and the pain and the uniform melting on his body he thought about his young kids and kinda like... superhuman willpowered his way out of a fucking car fire after crashing at more than 150 mph at least

and maybe that was too many parallels at once with one major difference (fucking guess) and it had me bawling for like half an hour

but like

why should i grieve so hard right now?

literally

im going to be just as sad every single time anyways

it hurts so bad

but its gonna hurt literally forever

so my personal rationale is:

why not just save the big grief for later?

save crying because she cant approve of my partner when we get married

when i decide on a name save crying about that to her because she was the most important person i wanted to know... about being trans and hoping to hell she could fuckign??? participate? in acknowledging me as her son, even if i know she'd struggle with it. it'dve been worth it just so she knows

im going to be sad if i graduate college and she's not there (another no shit moment)

im going to be sad if i ever have kids and she's not there

im going to be sad if i ever get married and she's not there

im going to be sad if i ever get a house and she's not there

im going to be sad when i inherit this house and i cant give it to her anymore because she's not there

im going to be sad that she cant eat her favorite breakfasts anymore

im going to be sad that she cant take a billion photos of the moon every night

im going to be sad that she wont be able to see the eclipse

i was sad that she never got to see my brother graduate his technical college

im going to be sad that she never got to see my other siblings get their drivers license - a step to independence she believed in

and im baseline sad anyways

and im going to be sad about it for the rest of my life

im going to be so fucking sad if i ever make it to be older than she was

im going to be so fucking sad if i have kids and they wonder about their grandmother

she was so excited for that, actually.

im just

im going to be sad forever

so what's the point in being this fucking sad right now, you know?

pain is forever

[phcenixforce]

unfortunately will be rambling beneath the cut again because im antsy on a plane

i wish i felt alive i have no spark no joy i go for a week and have to come back and take more medication because i am getting worse. i see my regular therapist again in two weeks i feel a great existential dread that i will die without living

i hate to sound so stupid to say fomo is real and in the way i experience being sad i cannot just live happily or the way i want. i cant have a job i feel joy in. i could maybe someday but not right now and it feels so endlessly hopeless. i cant say goodbye to him so i say i will see you later but i dont know when later is. when i have a house. and he wont have to leave. i hate seeing arden go places. i hate seeing people having a better time than me. i feel like the incarnate of the sin of envy watching people do things that make them happy all of the time. i really do. its not even in a like fuck you i hope you deserve to be unhappy way or like i want to do the same things (i want to travel but i dont want to go glacier hiking or music festivals) and do what i want to do and be there.

i know real life isnt like that and i sound like a hedonist that only craves pleasure and joy because who doesnt but i am on such a thin tightrope i think i could slip and hang myself if i tried. also very mad i was writing on the ride to denver before i could save the draft. im trying to enjoy stuff like making art again and setting goals but constantly am trapped between "fuck it whatever" and being responsible. i get a pay raise in 4 weeks and im hoping ill be eligible for teletime so i can work from home. the least they could do is let me do that and i only need to be in the office 3 days a week. id go monday tuesday. other days at home. i could do laundry and eat. i could work from bed. i wouldnt be doing overtime at 9 pm at the office for another half hour drive home.

im getting 2 new tattoos in november and i am going to consider getting a new nostril piercing on my left side so it matches. im getting a mullieter mullet shag thing in january because i really like it and its like as close as im getting to expressing myself because i cant dye my hair or tattoo my hands. i hate my fucking job so much . i hate feeling like theres no way out of the rat race i am in. id be so much better if he was at least with me in the same timezone. im so sick of having to hide our relationship because our parents think its not real / internet people scary.

im trying to set goals because i do bitch to bitch but i do have ambition but i am so tired from being sick from being chronically ill and crippled by my family or how things are. i so desperately want to open a taxidermy and tattoo shop because it would be so great. i could teach workshops. but it also means i have to work on flash sheets which i've been doing terrible with because ive been drawing other stuff to get back into the swing of things and havent touched my tattoo gun in a couple of months.

but the hardest part is i dont want my hobbies to feel like a bummer because theyre hobbies i love and enjoy and want to keep enjoying them. i want to feel normal so badly. i really really do. im just so unhappy i feel it everywhere. being in philly/nj has been the happiest ive been in two years and i will be miserable again

[tera-91]

Half-cooked thoughts ... pt 1

So its been about a week since I type up a rant. A lot has happened.

Some good, some not so good.

At least I guess it depends on who is asked that question.

One of my little fluffballs seem to be doing well. I haven’t noticed much, every time I check things seem ok. I don’t check a lot, mostly because I’m afraid to. Afraid I will hear something that I don’t want to. But we are on another medication to make sure things sound right.

My other furball is healing from surgery. A long way to go before things are normal again. Healing a bone takes so long. Doesn’t help this fluffer is a high energy breed pup. Already is trying to hobble around faster than is advised. Isnt a good medicine taker, never has been. But the little gremlin is eating well so that is good.

Kind of sort of because of said pupper I decided to quit my job. It was just the last straw with the manager. I asked for some accommodation but of course he was just an ass about it. Said I could be given the accommodation if I worked hours that I said from the jump that I could not work. I didn’t just quit because of this, a lot of other stuff transpired before. This was just my breaking point.

I still have a hand full of shift left but I really don’t want to work with this manager any longer. The other one is ok. If I could just work with the other manager only. But even then I just swing between not caring in the slightest if I might be running late, to feeling like I’m on the edge of a panic attack. Mostly which depends on if I know who the manager will be there that day.

Like if I know it’s the one that makes the schedule I get fidgety and feel like I catch myself holding my breath before I leave to go to work. To the point that I leave in a panic and somehow get there upwards of 10 minutes early. Sometimes I clock in only because I am given a work item. But I know this manager knows. I did this once and I saw the way they looked at the clock. Almost like they were about to say something but I guess realized the amount of time wasn’t a lot so not worth it. Once I get there I flip flop between being angry to ready to bolt. Either way I just want to leave.

 If it’s the other one, the nicer one. If I’m running late I don’t particularly care, I know they wont blow up about me being under 5 minutes late.

[lillsisamarshmallow]

My Angel | Mafia!Jimin X Reader

Summary: Together forever, at least that's what they thought. When Jimin suddenly breaks up with Y/n, she is desperate to know why, but why wont he tell her? Y/n does her own investigation into why he suddenly cut off all contact, but will what she suspects be the truth?

Word count: 3.9k

Warnings:  Swearing, Violence, Blood, Gore, Breakup, Verbal Argument, Angst, Let me know if I missed any!

Masterlist

If you enjoyed this work, please like, reblog, maybe leave a reply or even follow if you feel like it, it is much appreciated!

Taglist (Open)

@shadowyjellyfishfest @marblemoonstones @jinseartharmysmoon @uniquesuitcasegothcop @hrtsj1m @ownthesunshine @loumin

If I missed you or you would like to be added please let me know!

~~~

The car jumped as it went over another bump in the uneven track, jolting Jimin around, his hand still grasped around the handle above him, he kept his eyes straight ahead boring into the back of the driver's seat. The ride to their location had taken a turn into the bush, tracks from previous vehicles lead the way through the thick and dense forest, despite the rough ride it wasn't until the man beside him spoke that Jimin finally tore his eyes away from the headrest in front of him.

Turning to the side, Jimin's eyes met with the taller man, whose broad chest barely fit under the seatbelt that was wrapped around him, his long black hair and dark eyes, accompanied by his dark turtlenecked top and black coat. "Are you alright? You seemed spaced out." The man asked as he smiled.

Jimin already knew what he was going to say, the same thing he said every time someone asked this question in the last 2 weeks. "I'm fine, just tired Namjoon." Jimin gave his friend a fake smile as he responded, trying to seem more together than he really was, because the truth was, Jimin had been a wreck for the past month, he wasn't getting any sleep and kept going out on jobs to distract his mind, and when they wouldn't allow him, he would spend hours training, giving himself something else to focus on, anything else to focus on, anything, but you.

"Don't give me that shit, Jimin. I know something is up, we're almost there so tell me before we arrive." Namjoon responded half laughing at the start before his toned turned serious. "Is it about Y/n?"

Jimin sighed feeling defeated, they were both stuck in a car and now Namjoon wouldn't let it go. "It's just, I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I can't get her out of my head." Jimin confessed. "It's feels like I'm constantly drowning in my mind, something keeps pulling me down further and further. I wish it didn't have to be like this."

"I know, but you know this is how it has to be. It's too dangerous for her, we know what could happen if she gets too involved."

Jimin grunted in agreement and turned to look out the window, his sign of saying that this conversation was over, Jimin went on this mission to stop himself from thinking about you and now you were the only thing on his mind, and this wasn't helping. All Jimin wanted to do was stay holding you in his arms and tell you everything was going to be okay.

Oh how he'd wish that he was with you, still lying in bed after the alarms had gone off, slowly watching as the morning sun lit up the room around him, tucked in bed with tangled legs, the feeling of your chest slowly rising and falling against his own as your breath fanned over his neck, he wanted to whisper sweet nothings into your ear and tell you that everything would be okay, that he'd always be here with you, but he couldn't, he wasn't, instead of spending his days with you, he was forced to be here, away from you.

Namjoon seemed to take a hint and dropped it before letting Jimin know that they were arriving.

Hopefully this job would distract him from the only thing playing on his mind, you.

~~~

It was early morning and the sun started to shine through the curtains, groaning, I rolled over to face Jimin, his blond hair fell over his face as he slept, I could see the blankets moving with every breath he took. He must have snuck in again late last night, something that had become almost a ritual at this point. I wiggled myself closer to him, Jimin was always really warm so I used his warmth to keep me warm too, I pulled my arms into my chest and snuggled my head in his chest trying to soak up his warmth, my movements must have alerted him as he began to stir in his sleep. 

Jimin was always a light sleeper, even the smallest of noises woke him up so it was no surprise that my attempts to get comfy and warm had woken him up, I looked up at him just as his eyes opened, he looked tired, but alert before locking eyes with me, a small smile spread on his lips as he moved his arm to wrap around me, pulling me closer into his body.

"Morning, Angel." He said with his slightly gruff morning voice, he shuffled around a bit creating some more space between our faces so we could properly see each other, but he kept the rest of our bodies close as can be by tangling his legs with mine.

I gave him a sleepy smile and closed my eyes before opening them again, I moved my face up to his and planted a small kiss on his lips. "Morning, Baby." I said before shrinking back down and looking up at his giddy smile.

"Can I have another one?" He pleaded at me with his puppy eyes.

"Of course, you can, my love." I said as I caressed his cheek before moving myself towards him again, my lips made contact with his before separating again, going back for more, I kissed the side of his mouth before doing the same to the other side, then I moved back down again looking up at him. "Better?" I hummed.

"Hmmm, well," He pretended to think as he looked up. "I think you missed a spot." He smirked at me. I giggled at his antics before pulling him down to my level, I pressed my lips to his cheek before littering more smooches all of his face, if I had been wearing my lipstick, he would be covered in it. Eventually I stopped and moved us apart, we locked eyes for a few moments before we both erupted into a fit of giggles.

"I love you so much, Angel."

"I love you too."

~~~

The sound of bones breaking, and pain laced screaming let Jimin know he was doing his job correctly, dropping the barely conscious man, Jimin continued to walk through the mostly abandoned building, wiping his bloody hands on a handkerchief, people were running everywhere, parents, children, elderly. Jimin could pick out his men amongst the chaos and somewhere there was Namjoon too, Jimin kept his gun close to him so he could easily use it if necessary.  

The building was dilapidated and in the back of his mind he was nervous that it could collapse at any second, but he pressed on, he had to complete the mission, he had to do something. He kept himself composed and focused, but in the back of his mind, slowly creeping up on him, he could fell it, the weird sense of tension and unavoidable stress that was ready to take him and pull him back under and into the depths.

"Damn it, Namjoon." Jimin hissed under his breath, frustrated that the taller man had brought you up and now he couldn't stop thinking about you.

Jimin had to keep reminding himself why he was here and not with you, seeing the parents with their children reminded him of the life he could never have with you, the life he wanted with you, the one he had to give up. Sometimes Jimin would wonder where you were or if you were doing okay now, you hadn’t tried to reach out to him for a while, had you gotten over it? Or did something bad happen?

Jimin shook his head, trying to get you out of it, he had a job, a mission, and he needed to complete it.

Noticing a group of men holding other hostages, Jimin stopped on his path to nowhere in particular, thankfully due to the amount of people he was able to slip out of sight and behind a beam, turning to face the group, he held his gun up aiming at the targets, he had to make sure he didn't accidently hit the wrong person, Jimin's finger pulled on the trigger, five shots, five hollowing sounds as each bullet met its target, its destiny, five thumps as five bodies fell to the floor, five steps and he was on his way.

~~~

My eyes widened at what Jimin had said. “What?” I said, giving an airy laugh at the end, thinking he was joking or playing a prank that the others had put him up to.

“I have to break up with you.” He said, staring into my soul. Those words, he said them again, but they still didn’t seem real.

“What do you mean you have to break up with me?” I asked in disbelief while stepping closer. “Did I do something wrong? We can talk this out surely.”

“I can’t stay with you. It’s not… safe… for you.” Jimin mumbled the last part, tears were starting to build in my eyes, but I wouldn’t let them fall until I knew it was real.

What did he mean it wasn't safe? Safe as in it was too risky? Did he really think that low of me? No, he wouldn't. “Safe? Safe? You want to break up because I’m not safe? What kind of excuse is that? Jimin, I-”

“No! Y/n, we can’t keep doing this, I’m sorry…” Jimin turned around as he slowly started walking towards the door. I ran towards him and tried pleading with him to stay, telling him that we could work this out if we just talked about it, I tried to hold him back, but he was too strong. I fell backwards and landed on my ass as he was standing in the doorway.

“Please, Jimin.” Big fat tears were welling up in my eyes before falling down my cheeks and landing on the wooden floor beneath me. Why was he doing this? I don't understand. Why won't he talk to me? “W-why are you leaving me?” I started chocking on my words.

He didn’t even turn around, he didn’t even have the decency to help me up and to give me a proper reason, he faced out into the hallway as he spoke before he shut the door behind him, leaving me all alone in our apartment.

“I have to do this.”

~~~

Their men had rounded up the organizers of this ring and had them all tied up on some spare chairs that were laying around. Both men had finally met back up after taking care of their own business, now taking care of some business together.

“So, Jaehyun is still making money off of silly little rings like this huh?” The older man spoke while looking at one of the men who was tied up. The silence temporarily filled the room at the men’s refusal to answer to Namjoon and instead just teasingly smirk at him, but what a mistake that would be, the empty silence was soon filled with agonizing yelps and groans as Namjoon had punched the man in front of him in between his stomach and chest, getting his diaphragm.

“Still want to stay silent?”

The man grunted and huffed as he struggled to breathe due to his spasming lungs, he was too slow to say anything as Namjoon wound up and hit him again this time right in the face causing the man to yell out again.

“Looks like you should start talking.” Namjoon smirked as he pushed his hair back with his clean hand and flicking the blood of his work hand. Jimin turned to the guy in front of him and started questioning him.

“You’re sick you know that? Now tell me, where is the next drop?” Jimin asked, eyeing down the man. He didn’t say anything, but his face showed how scared he was of the man in front of him. Jimin sighed and smirked before he shrugged off his suit jacket, he just bought it, he didn't want to get it dirty. He swung the jacket onto his right hand before extending out. Jimin stared the man down as one of his men took the jacket from his hand and quickly paced a crowbar in its placed, Jimin backed up a bit. Now was this a little much for the first time? Probably, did Jimin care? Absolutely not, he didn’t mean it at first, but he couldn’t help himself. Jimin swung the crowbar back and the man’s face lit up in fear as he realized what was happening, he started shaking his chair, and yelling, trying to move away, but it was too late, Jimin swung down with full force, bringing the crowbar down on the man’s legs. Blood squirted all over the floor and the man sitting next to him, as well as Jimin, he felt the blood splatter on his face and hair, you could hear the contact the bar made with the bones, the man’s scream was enough to burst ears drums, a very girly scream for a gang member.

“Tell me where his next location is!” Jimin half yelled and smirked at the man who was still screaming as he put his weight onto one foot and turned slightly to the side in a playful manner. That feeling from before that settled itself permanently in the back of Jimin's head, the tensions, like a giant shadow over his mind, it was growing, expanding, until it had Jimin is its clasps, a loss of reason and almost reality overcame him, it was like he had slightly lost control of himself.

Before the man could get a single word out, Jimin wound his arm back up and swung it back down with all the force he had, once again the blood splattered everywhere, coating itself over Jimin’s shirt and pants which he had only got a day before, that pissed him off even more, Jimin didn’t ask the guy again, his arm came back up as the man kept crying for him to stop, but he didn’t listen, Jimin bought down the crowbar with all his might and frustrations, his anger and his sorrows, his guilt.

~~~

I felt empty, but that was the normal for me now, 6 days, 8 hours and 25 minutes since Jimin closed that door, 6 days, 8 hours and 25 minutes since I lost my everything. I laid on my empty bed that I once used to share with Jimin, we even picked it out together after he insisted, he moved in with me, I slowly raised my hand that had my phone in it, even that felt too heavy to lift, and I checked my notifications again, nothing from Jimin.

I raised my other hand over to my phone and pressed the phone app and selected recent. On the top, it said, ‘Mochi 🐶’ (294), I pressed on his name again and the phone started dialling, maybe this time he’ll pick up, maybe he was just busy before.

The phone rang out as I dropped it from my hands, I squeezed my eyes shut as I was overcome by a wave of sadness and heart ache that only half moved on, I scrunched my legs up, trying to make myself small, stuck in my thoughts I started thinking back to that day. ‘I have to do this.’ What did that even mean? He had to do this. Was someone blackmailing him? Or maybe… no, he wouldn’t do that to me. Would he?

I thought back to all the weeks before that day, I racked my memory trying to find any patterns of behaviour, something that changed, something I could have picked up on…

Then I remembered, the day before, when we were cooking, I told him how much I loved him, but he didn’t say it back…come to think of it, he had been acting weird the past few weeks, like something was bothering him.

3 weeks ago, we went to a restaurant on that shady side of town, Jiyoon told me they had great food there, which was only half true, but the whole time we were there Jimin didn’t touch me, or even walk close to me. He kept looking off, like he was searching for someone…someone else.

Or 5 weeks ago when we had a movie night, we watched his favourite movie, but the whole time he kept checking his watch, sometimes he didn’t even hear me. That night… he came home late that night…

This whole time? I should've I seen this coming, he was acting weird for weeks, but I just thought it was stress, but he knew, he knew he was going to leave me, all this time…

Was he okay? Maybe something was wrong, and I didn’t know? or maybe...

As if even possible, my heart broke again.

~~~

Jimin couldn't see, couldn't see through all the rage and anguish as he kept swinging, couldn't see through the guilt, couldn't see through the red, the red blood that had soaked the room and himself, he had given up on keeping his shirt the soft white it once was, now soaked and stained a deep red, the wet material clung to his skin tightly and you could see the outline of his toned chest that laid underneath the fabric. The swinging was useless and this point, information lost because he couldn't control it, but he didn't stop, he couldn't get himself to stop as his mind was flooded with what had been happening.

Jimin hated himself for how he left you, and you must have hated him too now, at first you kept trying to find him, phone calls, going his house, even calling his friends to see if he was okay The first time you caught him he did his best to avoid talking about, he asked you to go home and stay safe, but you kept coming back, again and again and again, until the last time, where Jimin-

Torturing himself by remembering these things as Jimin kept swinging, eventually someone yelled his name causing him to lose focus and momentum. He pulled away and spun himself around, dropping the crowbar as he walked before stumbling slightly, profanities left his mouth loudly, he yelled and raised his hand up to his head and he dropped down before standing back up again and turning around furiously.

He saw the disfigured body of the man that was once in front of him, crooked limbs, unrecognizable face, and sizeable gaping absence, platted over the floor was the man blood, along with other things. Jimin didn't feel sorry for the man, but it was unfortunate that they now had less sources for information, sighing, Jimin picked up the discarded crowbar before setting his sights on the next man inline, as he stalked his was over someone decided to block his way.

The older man stood in front of Jimin with a stern looking on his face, Jimin could see the caring nature behind them, Namjoon grabbed hold of Jimin's crowbar, Jimin knew what Namjoon was going to say.

"Jimin, I can handle this, you can leave."

"No." Jimin responded quickly. "There's nothing wrong, I'm fine. Let's do this,"

"Jimin." Namjoon said. "Go home."

~~~

My arms hurt as I banged them against the door hardly before moving them down to try the handle.

"Jimin! Jimin open the door!" I yelled out frustration before stuffing my hand in my bag as roughly searching for some keys, yanking them out I struggled to fit it into the keyhole. I twisted the jumble of metal hoping that I had chosen the right one, and finally, something was going my way, I forcefully pushed open the door and made my way inside, I kept yelling out his name until I saw him round the corner from his stairs and turn to face me.

"Y/n, what are you doing here?" He asked, clearly surprised. "I told you to stop, just move on already." He sighed as he rolled his eyes and walked towards me, I made my way towards him too, as we got closer, he suddenly stuck out his arm, preventing me from getting closer to him.

"What-Jimin? Come one, let's stop this and we can go home." I tried to reason with him. "I'm sorry that I didn’t see it before, but please let me help you." I said softly while reach my hand out to caress his face. he looked at my hand then back to my eyes, he hesitated before pulling away, I could see it in his eyes, he wanted to let me hold him, he wanted to let me embrace him and he didn't want it to be like this, but something was stopping him, telling him he couldn't, the battle behind his beautiful brown eyes was showing and I wished I could join the fight, but I couldn't.

I went to push myself closer to him and wrap him in a hug, but he pushed me further away before backing up, and wiping his upper lips on the back of his hand.

"Angel-Y/n." He corrected himself. " I told you it’s not safe and we have to do this." He yelled at me, making me flinch, I could see it in his eyes, the battle was hard, and he was getting angry, but he still cared.

"What I don't get, is why?" I said softly while looking down, I heard him scoff before he shoved himself past me knocking me on the shoulder, as he got past, he kept walking towards the door, but I stayed facing away from his, I started rambling about how I just didn’t understand why he couldn’t talk to me about it, why wasn’t he letting me help, what’s wrong? Staring at the floor my vision started to become distorted due to the tears pooling on my eyes before dripping down, leaving dark spot on my white shoes.

"Y/n." He spoke, clearly gesturing for me to leave. "Oh my-" He cut himself off before letting out a yell of frustration. "Argh! It’s not safe and I told you-" He began to say before I cut him off with my own words.

“Have you moved on? It that what it is? You cheated and couldn’t deal with the guilt?” I said sternly as I looked up, resorting to the last thing that went through my mind, I didn’t want it to be true, I need it to not be true.

“No, no, no-” He began to stutter and got defensive, he sounded hurt that i would suggest such a thing.

I turned around and stomped my way over to him, looking up into his eyes. "Then what is it? What can I do to make you happy again? I'll change, I'll get rid of that stupid picture on the wall that you don't like!"

"Y/n, no. You don't have-"

"I can start spending more time with you o-or I can-"

"There's nothing you can do! I'm fine, I didn't leave because something was wrong!" He fired back at me.

“Then tell me what it is!”

“I don’t love you anymore!”

~~~

A/n: My Jimin oneshot is complete! I hope you guys enjoyed it, honesty I'm not so sure how I feel about it. I currently have no plans to make a part 2, but if enough people want a 2nd part then I would be happy to write it, I do have some ideas, and I'm not sure if I would continue with the same style (Switching povs) I might just stick to one pov, but I did enjoy the new writing style. If you liked this please remember to like, reblog, reply or even follow me, if you feel like it, it is much appreciated 🫶 ! I hope you all have a lovely day or night and Thankyou all for reading! 💜

[lilboytings]

Another event accountability log 🥳

Its about the first time theyve seen me in like 4 years i gotta show up and show tf out

Got over a month to get it together.

Day 1 (4.19)

Food: 1,157

Exercise: 939

Net: 218

Notes: my body lines going dumbb rn so i just at least gotta maintain form might just post a bc 🤪. Also ill weigh-in whenever i feel like the number wont make me 🤢 on sight

Day 2 (4.20)

Food: 993

Exercise: 181

Net: 812

Notes: ⭐ving to recover from this but i knew it was gonna be really over my comfort range.

Day 3 (4.21)

Weight: 111

Food: 20 (liquid iv)

Exercise: 674

Net: -654

Notes: still ⭐ving on hour 28 as of this note. I put a goal of 95 but i know its unrealistic with my schedule this week 🙃

Day 4 (4.22)

Food: 0

Exercise: 986

Net: -986

Notes: i have no clue but i made it through a 2 hr cardio session and mowed the entire yard while still fa$ting (hour 49/95). I do feel like shit rn though

Day 5 (4.23)

Food: 713

Exercise: 758

Net: -45

Notes: my legs feel like jelly but I got work and shopping to do. We on hour 65 so i might actually make it to 95.

Update: broke at 67.5 hrs and am now in pain

Day 6 (4.24)

Weight: 110.3 after "breakfast"(icecream and fries)

Food: 700

Exercise: 189

Net: 511

Note: i feel like im more aggressive when i eat, its like when im fa$ting theres nothing else that matters except not eating.

Day 7: 4.25

Food: 653

Exercise: 371

Net: 282

Week dance hrs: 6

Day 8: 4.26

Food: 412

Exercise: 109 (estimated from my step count)

Net: 303

Day 9: 4.27

Food: 724 (half liquor)

Exercise: 1091

Net: -372

Notes: partied from 4.26night to 4.27morning so the numbers are a bit funky

Day 10: (4.28)

Weight: 108.3

Food: 880

Exercise: 539

Net: 341

Notes: wrote an absolutely insane plan for next month 💀 imma still try it tho

Day 11 (4.29)

Food: 681

Exercise: 718

Net: -37

Notes: im in pain.

Day 12 (4.30)

Food: 1054

Exercise: 728

Net: 326

Notes: last day before the d1et starts 🤠 already bought food thatll fit into it though

Day 13 (5.1)

Food: 802cal

Exercise: 539

Net: 263/700

Steps: 1.4k/2k

Day 14 (5.2)

Food: 706

Exercise: 95

Net: 611/600

Steps: 788/2k

Week dance hrs: 7.25

Note: i need to tighten up

Day 15: (5.3)

Food: 851

Exercise: 1438

Net: -587/700

Steps: 4.5k/2k

Day 16 (5.4)

Food: 732

Exercise: 404

Net: 328/600

Steps: 1.7k/2k

Day 17 (5.5)

Food: 300

Exercise: 270

Net: 30/500

Steps: 2k/2k

Day 18 (5.6)

Food: 585

Exercise: 593

Net:-8 /550

Steps: 3k/ 2k

Day 19 (5.7)

Food: 590

Exercise: 461

Net: 129/450

Steps: 2.9k/ 2k

Day 20 (5.8)

Food: 940

Exercise: 539

Net: 401/450

Steps: 3.1k/2k

Day 21 (5.9)

Food: 620

Exercise: 701

Net: -81/ 600

Steps: 2.5k/ 2k

Week dance: 6.5 hrs 😡

Day 22 (5.10)

Food: 785

Exercise: 539

Net: 246/ 400

Steps: 1.4k /2k

Day 23 (5.11)

Liquid:

Exercise:

Net: /200

Steps: /2k

Umm anyways- i went to the thingy and they thought i was hot and my body was great. Just wait till the next function

[roses-grossness-bones-and-dirt]

483 calories [consider this journaling fucking feb 8 2024]

today, excluding the 230 for a monster, i have eaten 483 calories. half an orange, some fries, and popcorn chicken. i didnt really have an appetite at the start of eating. i had tried cleaning mine and my partners room but couldn't focus without getting overwhelmed. i figured the emotional bullshit my brain puts me through when i don't eat was the source so i gave in.

i worked out for over an hour yesterday give or take a ten minute break in between. i didn't feel satisfied at the end i just couldn't feel my legs. i didn't feel like i burned enough. didn't hurt enough.

i weigh 169lbs now. i wont update my bio until i get down to 165, though. theres not enough of a difference in 4 pounds for me to care. let alone 5, 6, or 7. if im lucky, i'll forget to weigh myself when im 165 and find myself at 163. ten pounds. the number is so high, that weight drop sounds so drastic in the time given.

this is a road i've been down before, though. i know the first ten pounds is nothing. you cant see it, you cant feel it. it's water. it's old still digesting food. it's anything other than fat, really. at least, thats how i see it.

i try not to count liquid calories because if i did then the endless amount of flavored drinks would mean im meeting a binge worths of calories [honestly just anything over 1000 in my disordered mind] without ever feeling satiated.

sodas have been cut down to one a day the one a day isnt always diet, though. its pathetic, im aware.

again, i've been down this road before. thats what makes this so much harder. the awareness of what normalcy looks like. knowing the hurt i'd be putting those i care about through because ive seen the hurt before. ive caused this hurt before.

still, i push on. i'll start counting again. steps, calories in, calories out if i can manage. i'll do a smaller work out today and a big one tomorrow. i'll keep how im feeling to my brain and journal on tumblr for release so i can postpone the pain ill put my partner through with this relapse.

im not sick enough for them to know. not sick enough to be worried about, really. not to say i want the worry. id rather be worried about anyone and everyone else than have a single person worry about me. i dont want to be sick i dont want to get sick i have too much to do but i cant take the lack of control or the look in the mirror anymore.

when i quit vaping i gained another 20 pounds on top of the 30+ i had gained from recovering initially. this is problematic as a trans man because i went up a fucking cup size. its hardcore awful.

i hope to be 150 by my 21st bday in a few months. 20 pounds isnt much but its my pre-quitting weight. i hope to be 130 by the time my best friend moves. 20 more pounds isnt much but its my pre-recovery weight. i hope to be 115 by the time my lease is up in december. 15 pounds isnt much at all but that was my lowest weight.

its all so unlikely but its the dream, really.

[foxoftheninetails]

Okay. Same rules as always apply: you can interact if you want to, or ignore this if you don't. As always, I know I'm a lot to handle.

I've had good mental health for over a week. Things were going great, I felt good, was sleeping, kind of eating (still struggling there, but usually 1+ meal a day, even if the + was an uncrustie), didn't have any intrusive thoughts. Then last night I could feel the spiral coming on, and for the dumbest trigger imaginable. For a totally irrational and juvenile and stupid reason. Which makes it even worse really.

It doesn't help that I may be getting sick, or I may already be sick. Not sure, and not sure where that might be going, but I know its not helping.

I mentioned recently that my friends are everything, my heart and soul. But probably 3 or 4 times a week I think to myself: "Wouldnt it be easier, safer, less hurtful if you just...didn't? Let your friends go, they were probably at least as happy when you weren't around. You can drift away from them, let the distance get wider, and you dont have to hurt anymore."

I dont mean friends like we talk once every few weeks or exchange letters or whatever. I mean the friends I can barely go a day without talking to them, the ones that I seek out to say hello to. If I leave, they wont notice for long, and I wont lay awake at night wondering if I said something wrong, if they havent said hi because they're mad at me, if this is all a colossal fuck up and they're screwing with me. Because it has happened. To me. Multiple times.

I guess I didn't realize just how much I let certain people in. Which is stupid, right? Because how can someone be so out of touch they didnt see the 6 foot layer of bullshit come down?

So, what if I didn't? What if I went back to just me and my partner, and my thoughts? How long before I crack in half? How long before I decide I cant handle it, I cant be that alone. I was able to do it once, when I was so much stronger. But I lay awake at night, after the first wave has passed, in a cold sweat. And my mind says you could stop the anxiety if you just get cold again.

I spent 10 years working. I know, I know. Everyone has had a job, has dedicated themselves to it. It was nearly all I had. In my family, you get up and you do your chores, then you go to work. When you get home, you make sure nobody else needs help with their stuff. If you're lucky, after exhausting yourself in manual labor for 12 or 14 hours a day, you can watch tv until your eyelids feel like iron. I cant tell you how many nights I fell asleep on the couch. The last time I went on "vacation", I had to help put a new roof on my parents house. When I was a teen and wed go visit family in NY, there were always chores. Mow the lawn, repaint the fence, redrywall your aunts house, put new decking down. Work was all I knew. Much to my surprise, people didnt do all of this all the time. They had downtime, they had reasonable hours, they had the ability to say no.

Thats another one. Saying no. Seems easy, right? I can type it to myself all day long. If I told my parents no about work, or side work, or any chore that fell into my lap because my sister said she didnt want to, I was punished. In a backwards and manipulative way. Suddenly none of my favorite foods were in the house, my room was never clean enough, I had to do all the dishes from dinner because it just didnt make sense to run the dishwasher.

So when I say I could just flip the switch and become cold again, my whole body goes into panic mode. My heart is racing right now because somewhere, someone is going to read this and know what is going on inside my head.

The only thing more terrifying to me than making an ass out of myself in front of my friends, more terrifying than them getting mad at me; is not having them. I honestly think it might kill me.

I let them in too far, and now what if they leave?

I guess I can't let them go after all. I hope that they don't want to be let go of.

This was only slightly more convoluted than usual. If you're insane enough to read this, I'm sorry to subject you to what is essentially word vomit. I need to get this out, or it will eat me alive. Never really understood what people meant by that until now, that holding certain things in can kill you, can devour you.

I'm afraid of getting hurt, and I'm too afraid to be alone. I just need to not push people away, even though that is my immediate response. Just take a step back for a day or two, its no big deal. Then suddenly four months have gone by, and they're either tired of trying or didn't care enough to in the first place. Hard to say which of those is worse.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place, except everything is lined with razor blades to make it more interesting.