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the-way-astray · 1 month ago

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ok so I know you don't like Keefe but I wonder what your extensive thoughts on Sophie are (if you have any)

i do, anon! all thoughts that follow are almost 100% subjective, etc. etc. etc. it starts out negative, because i want to end on a positive note :) this will be long

alright i will start by saying: i love sophie. but when i started reading the series, i was very much a sophie hater. actually, that's a bit strong. i was a sophie . . . non-enjoyer. while part of it was definitely the fact that i was exposed only to people that hated on sophie, i also did think by myself that sophie was a tad annoying, to put it mildly.

i've talked extensively about how much i dislike keefe, as you've mentioned, and part of that isn't really about keefe at all, so much as it is the way the narrative frames keefe. and the narrative is . . . mostly sophie herself. surprising exactly nobody, i'm not a fan of the way she lets keefe walk all over her, and the way she's kind of a doormat when it comes to him. she lets him off the hook all the time, justifies the crap out of his behavior, and even when you can tell she feels something negative from whatever toxic trait he's exhibiting this time, she never says anything about it, except for once or twice (i've talked about the nightfall scene at length before, and how it results in zero character development for keefe, just the illusion of it, and same with the legacy thing). it would be incredibly satisfying to have sophie tell keefe something like "hey, if you keep ruining all our plans because you're too stupid/arrogant to let the plan go according to plan, then we won't be able to include you. sorry not sorry". yet she doesn't. and she doesn't even have a good reason most of the time. like in legacy, when she went to tell him that his mom had ordered tam to kill him, after tam had specifically told her not to do that, because they both know keefe makes atrocious decisions when it comes to his mom. and yet sophie still goes straight to him and decides to tell him!!!! and it's like why the fuck would you do that???? keefe needs to be put in his place, and unfortunately, it seems like sophie is the only person that has the power to do that. it annoys the fuck out of me that the fact that keefe is constantly shitty to her doesn't seem to affect their relationship in the slightest. she somehow still trusts him the same after all the shit he's put her through, she still thinks him smart despite evidence to the contrary, and in general, when it comes to keefe she's excruciatingly irrational and lenient. and it annoys me. like she's so logical everywhere else, why can't she be the same with keefe? it makes her character ridiculously inconsistent, to me at least. i won't talk about this any more than this because i've already ranted about it at length but: the answer to that is basically that shannon needs to keep shoving sokeefe and keefe loving sophie and sophie needing keefe down the audience's throats. it's very fan-service-y, but i'll leave it at that for now.

here's where i may make some people mad, so i would like to say that this is all what i used to think. i've since matured, so i don't really think this anymore. but her crush on fitz. oh, boy. when i first read the series i found it the epitome of annoying. i was basically screaming at her (mentally, i did read most of this series in school lmfao) to get it together the entire time. i was just like. sophie. just. stop being so weird around him! he's just a guy! there's no need to act like an idiot and a half every time you interact with him to the point where everyone around you can tell what's up! it gave me a ridiculous amount of secondhand embarrassment. i was like . . . sophie . . . you can have a crush . . . but you don't have to be so obvious and embarrassing about it. anyway. i've since realized i'm aro and also apparently somewhat emotionally repressed so i think i'm just not like sophie. but because i couldn't understand why the fuck she was letting the stupid crush drag her through the mud, socially speaking, i found it excruciating. although i now understand why sophie acts the way she does, even to this day when i read those scenes where keefe or biana or dex makes a comment that implies they know exactly what's up with sophie and fitz it makes me so embarrassed (secondhandedly speaking), like come on, sophie, can't you make your crush just a tad less obvious???? but i also get that that's just how sophie is. again, this is entirely a personal taste thing.

legacy sophie annoyed the crap out of me, not gonna lie. it was excruciating. keefe consistently told her, again and again, to reach out to fitz, to confide in fitz, to lean on fitz. and then! she doesn't!!!! the thing is i can't even necessarily be mad because she fully acknowledges herself that she was a bad girlfriend. but also it's like could you not have gone to fitz just once instead of keefe. just once!!!! he literally told you he'd go at your pace!!!! even after he knows about the matchmaking thing, he's still willing to be with her, and he also wants to help her search for her parents, something she has interest in at that point. just. watching sophie make a mess out of her relationship with fitz was so annoying to me. i would put around 90% of the blame of sophitz falling apart on sophie, because she's the one who consistently ignored him, despite being told not to do that exact thing by both himself and keefe. and it's like!!!! i get it!!!! it can't be easy knowing you're dating a guy who literally cannot be in a bad match after being told you're going to be a bad match. i get the perspective. but it was still hella annoying to read. i wanted sophie to properly communicate with fitz just once, just once, and the miscommunication grated on me the entire time. the miscommunication trope is one of my least favorites and god, i just wanted sophie to be a good girlfriend to fitz just once!!!! just once!!!! like you have fitz over here, doing literally everything he can to try to meet sophie halfway, beyond halfway, even, and then you have sophie, spitting in the fact of his efforts. it's hard not to get frustrated reading that.

there's also this small moment at the beginning of legacy where she gets super butthurt that keefe left her out of one of his personal projects that has nil to do with her, then tries to like . . . guilt keefe into telling her? almost? and it's the same thing keefe's always doing with her, and it's very shady. no, sophie, you do not have a right to know everything keefe knows just because you're his friend!!!! back off!!!! that same scene she flips through one of his personal notebooks without his permission while he looks visibly uncomfortable, too. stop it!!!! that's not yours!!!! keep your hands to yourself!!!!

and my least favorite thing sophie has ever done in the entire series happens in legacy too: hijacking fitz's project and letting alvar go. oh my goodness. i cannot even begin to describe how much that single (hmm maybe not single, but they're connected) action pissed me off. she knew for the entire book how hard fitz was working to find alvar! keefe explicitly states that he was feeling a mix of some very negative emotions, which is how he nailed down that him working on his dad's memories was about alvar. she knew he was dealing with keefe's ass dad for the sole purpose of trying to find alvar after the shitshow that went down in flashback, and she knew exactly what he was going through in that book as well!!!! and then!!!! she fucking hijacks his project, doesn't even have the decency to tell him, and tries to justify it with some bullshit "oh, your dad's gotten too good at pushing fitz around" stuff. like sophie. that's very talk-down-y to fitz. like he's not a little kid!!!! let him make decisions for himself!!!! stop taking his choice away!!!! and i don't like it. and then, when she succeeds at fitz's project, she doesn't even have the decency to tell him then!!!! like, girl, i don't know how i can continue to defend this!!!!

and then!!!! it gets fucking worse!!!! because she actively stops fitz from achieving the one goal he's been trying to achieve for the entire book (about three weeks, for context, it's actually the shortest kotlc book timeline-wise besides unlocked): trying to capture alvar. like, sophie. come on. and i do feel bad for keefe in this scene, i truly do. it's like the telling-sophie-to-confide-in-fitz thing, he's doing so much to try to keep their relationship together, and then when sophie's out here with a baseball bat fucking smashing it to pieces and he's just standing there watching it, you're like. okay, that must be painful. anyway, back to sophie. her reasoning is shit, this decision is shit, the fact that keefe is the one that tells fitz she let alvar go is shit, everything about this scene fucking sucks. as fitz said, not only is sophie more powerful than the average telepath, but she and fitz are cognates. there's pretty much no way they couldn't have gotten the secret from alvar, even if he supposedly knows how to hide the real story from the fakes. and!!!! that doesn't even consider the fact that sophie and keefe could've just backstabbed alvar. he was weak, and the deal was they'd let him go if he told them, right? well they could've just. not let him go!!!! that was a valid option!!!! it pisses me off that they didn't do that. the second sophie saw alvar, she should've been thinking about how fitz was looking for him and how she was going to capture him so fitz didn't go down a very dark path, the same thing she'd be thinking if it was gisela and keefe. but no!!!! she doesn't even consider capturing alvar a priority in the slightest, if not for the sake of capturing alvar itself, then at least for the sake of supporting her boyfriend. and that pisses me off.

i do agree that fitz's . . . method of communication . . . was not the greatest. that's why i think he deserves 10% of the blame. but everything he says was perfectly logical. he just says it very emotionally so it's difficult for sophie to think about anything other than the fact that he's yelling at her. but his points were valid.

and what actually pisses me off isn't that in and of itself, it's just how quickly the narrative just . . . lets sophie get away with it. when fitz and sophie do their shoddy little make-up at the end of legacy, there's never an implication that fitz feels some resentment toward sophie for stopping him from achieving his goal. like he just drops it instantly???? and he's the one apologizing, which he needed to, but sophie owed him an even bigger apology, like what she did to him could be considered some form of betrayal???? like sophie. you were wrong. you were wrong. when is the narrative going to let sophie be wrong, and not villainize the person saying she is???? she should've been apologizing to fitz for the shit she put him through this entire book, yet she did not. when fitz shows up she sighs and goes "is this about alvar" and fitz is like "no, of course not!!!! i would never!!!!" and i was like. this should be about alvar. stop making it out to be that fitz would be in the wrong for making it about alvar, he deserves to call sophie's ass out for that instantly!!!! sophie should be villainized for that action. but instead fitz drops it and it never comes up again. now i am truly pissed at sophie. just because she's the main character doesn't mean everything has to bend to her whims. she's allowed to learn and grow like everyone else.

basically, if keefe is the main reason i don't ship sokeefe, then sophie is the main reason i don't ship sophitz. that comparison will make sense to people who have read my anti keefe stuff, but if you haven't, ignore that.

moving onto unlocked sophie! i don't know what happened to sophie in these later books but i don't like it. there's one specific moment that really grates on me in unlocked, except that moment then expands over like four or something chapters. which for a sixteen-chapter-novella is . . . a lot. when keefe decides, in an uncharacteristically logical manner, to stay away from sophie because she seems to be making his abilities go out of control, she gets so butthurt and at this point i'm just sitting here rolling my eyes because i don't even know how to defend this anymore. she somehow manages to twist it in her head to make it out to be like, "keefe doesn't want me around!!!!" and then gets super butthurt at something . . . that isn't happening. in the slightest. and it's not even a logical conclusion to jump to!!!! she just fucking does!!!! and then!!!! the narrative supports this view by having keefe apologize to her in an incredibly forced scene for something . . . he didn't do. his offense was *checks notes* trying not to harm anyone with his new, dangerous ability by keeping someone who basically acts as an amplifier away. i can only assume shannon put this in here because she loves her forced consolation sokeefe scenes, whichever direction they may be in, because it makes no sense whatsoever and is just about the dumbest thing to have to make up over.

and burning the archetype pissed me off. to be clear: totally chill with her burning down the storehouse. but the archetype???? and then later she justifies it by saying "well, gisela hasn't come looking for it so it's probably not important". like no???? gisela tells sophie and keefe in nightfall that she has a photographic memory and has the entire thing memorized . . . please . . . can you tell i hate it when. stupid characters. i hate this!!!! it's not even like an understandable stupid decision! sophie makes tons of those throughout the series and they make sense! but they're still stupid (see: reading king dimitar's mind). this was straight up stupid stupid. it was so bad . . . so bad . . . ugh. she tells flori to keep the archetype safe, then like five seconds later changes her mind completely???? i can only assume shannon did this because the archetype would ruin the story (make it too easy if the crew got their hands on it), but then she didn't have to write the archetype into that scene at all!!!! done! i don't understand the decision here . . . it was so utterly stupid it scares me.

i don't like stellarlune sophie. i don't like stellarlune in general, but stellarlune sophie feels like a hyper-girlbossed caricature of sophie. kotlc has a major girlbosses-instead-of-proper-female-characters problem, and nothing illustrates that more than stellarlune sophie. if the elves were to make a movie out of sophie after this is all over that parades her around as a hero, they would characterize her as something close to stellarlune sophie. absolutely despise sophie's personality in that book (and the books leading up to it, legacy and unlocked). everyone's constantly telling sophie to her face how she's not that little girl anymore and how she's so grown up and how she doesn't take anyone's shit anymore (false, see: keefe) and how she has this badass new personality now and how they're a fan of her snark and this and that and the other and it makes me want to scream (because one, it's terrible writing, and two, it's just not true). one of shannon's worst examples of tell-not-show. i don't know how to describe stellarlune's entire vibe aside from "desperate". currently on lodestar in my reread (well, if my computer lets me back into the ebook) and i just. like sophie so much more in this book. she has good plans, she has some fight, she has somewhat of a sense of humor and the narrative isn't constantly spoonfeeding how cool she is at the reader. you're allowed to form your own opinions on her.

which is a good way to start talking about the things i like about sophie! i love sophie in books one through seven. there's a conversation in flashback with mr. forkle (blech) where he tells sophie that she may be ready for more responsibility in black swan, and it feels infinitely more natural than the weird spoonfeeding we get in the later books about how grown up sophie is, because you can feel that sophie in flashback is very different than sophie in keeper, and not in a weird over-the-top forced girlboss-ish way. i genuinely liked that scene, despite forkle (yucky).

okay, the storehouse fire. i liked it, as i mentioned earlier. it was a fantastic character moment for sophie. but what i like even more than that is that sophie faces a ton of opposition for it, both rational and irrational (irrational being the shit like "you just started a war" . . . to which i say, hello, where have to been for the last eight books, as well as the rational stuff like forkle saying that she didn't think before she started the fire, as well as the mid arguments of like "now the neverseen are going to be extra motivated to get revenge, and it's your fault, sophie"). because that's realistic! when you do anything bold like what sophie did, you are going to be met with lots of illogical and logical arguments for both sides. it's a lot to navigate, and it's a lesson in nuance. sophie now has to navigate this, and she does, for pretty much the rest of the book. in the end, you're sort of forced to sit with the fact that sophie's action wasn't perfect, nor was it horrible. it had bad sides (she did it somewhat recklessly) but it also had good sides (she did take out their soporidine stores and retrieve the caches). and that nuance is a fantastic addition to the story.

i like the concept behind sophie. outside kotlc tumblr, one of the main criticisms you'll see of sophie is that she's too overpowered . . . and it's like . . . yeah . . . nice job, you have successfully nailed down the premise of the series. do you want a cookie for this marvelous achievement. literally the point of the story is that sophie cannot defeat the neverseen with her numerous, powerful abilities alone. she can't. they have been planning this for years and unless she puts some serious thought and good planning into it, she will never be able to catch up. it doesn't matter how powerful she is, the neverseen are smarter. so what's the solution then? well, she has to sit down and come up with a solid plan to take them down. she has to go on the offensive instead of just defending herself and her loved ones. and you see her take that step in stellarlune. and most importantly, she has to stop being so reckless. this is the thing. sophie has shown throughout the series that she has a knack for being reckless. you see it with king dimitar, you see it with several other things. but the thing is that that's a flaw. it puts herself and others in danger and if she wants to take the neverseen down for good, she needs to work on that. in that way, the fact that sophie is so overpowered serves as a vehicle for character development: at one point she'll realize that it's just not enough. and she'll have to change accordingly.

i think sophie being faced with the fact that she'll likely end up having to kill a neverseen member is a good thread to introduce. i wish it had been done before stellarlune, because this series is gloriously repetitive, but better late than never, i suppose. i like that she knows that one day she may have to go there, and she's dealing with that beforehand and trying to stomach it before she can get there. i'm curious to see where this will go, and i'm not entirely certain it will go anywhere, since shannon has a tendency to drop random plot/character threads, but that will be interesting to see unfold (if it does).

sophie's character is about perspective. a change of perspective in a world that desperately needs it. and i like that. it's easy to see how the elves might carry on thinking their world is perfect, because that's all everyone talks about or verbalizes. like we know our world isn't perfect, only because we are taught the appropriate history and we have exposure to several resources that show us the sneaky (and not-so-sneaky) ways people are exploited. but the elves don't have that. if you are talentless or otherwise affected, it's like, well. you shut up, and i think you're even almost gaslighted into thinking yourself that the world is perfect because that's what everyone says. there is nobody to tell the elves to check their internal biases, there is nobody to show them all the ways their society is wrong. so sophie is valuable there. on top of that, people pay attention to her. this makes her perspective all the more valuable, because people will actually listen. and i think that concept is incredibly fascinating. i want to see a scene where sophie calls everyone out in a really bold way, where it's undeniable that she's poking holes through society's weak spots. so far, we haven't really seen her make any bold statements, just her checking her friends' biases every so often. but i hope that's where her story is going, and why shannon seems so obsessed with spoonfeeding us how bold sophie's getting.

obviously, as a reader, i'm dead curious about who her bio parents are. but i think it makes a lot of sense that sophie herself doesn't want to know unless provided with an incentive (matchmaking/fitz). it makes her even more fleshed out, because it sort of reminds you that sophie doesn't like any of this. given the choice she probably wouldn't even be a noble. she wants to be as detached from project moonlark as possible, because she doesn't like the spotlight. she doesn't want to know things because she's curious, she only wants to know them so that the neverseen can be defeated. and you see a sort of attitude of trying to be as detached from project moonlark as possible while still insisting that she's the moonlark, meaning she was designed to be a part of everything that's going on. that's really interesting to me. the relationship between sophie and project moonlark, and how it distorts her perception of herself. she doesn't like being the moonlark, yet she's obsessed with being a perfect one, she's obsessed with filling the role she tells herself she needs to fill. you can see how that leads to conversations like the ones where black swan members are telling her she wasn't really made for anything other than to be herself, and you see her grapple with that for the series.

tldr: i like the themes and general direction that sophie's arc and story appear to be going in, but there are a few things she does that i feel the narrative lets her off the hook far too easily for.

#kotlc #kotlc sophie #anti sophie foster #pro sophie foster #<- because i defended AND attacked her sorry y'all i got a complicated relationship with her #anon #asks #there's a lot i haven't said in this essay but i just realized it was WAY too long so. we're leaving it here for now boys #i won't say she's a perfectly written character but she's not as bad as non-tumblr platforms make her out to be

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destinyc1020 · 8 months ago

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Hey there.

To the anonymous that brought up Taylor and Zendaya's rabid fans. I absolutely do think they both have talked to their respective partners about moving their lives forward, whether it be marriage or children.

I think people naively believe Tom may be the one pulling strings in that department, but people really need to listen at what Zendaya, especially at this time, is speaking on. I think she may want children even more so than Tom. Dont let that past Sway interview keep you clueless. That's why they call it the past. She was young, just turning 21, she's not anymore, and she's nearing 30. Mindsets are different as the years go by. Hearts change, and so do our thoughts on what we prioritize. You have to realize he had just done an interview where he stated he didn't even want children and then comes just a little bit of time down the road while filming and he had a change of heart, which I'm sure he didn't just have that on his own. Especially if they each feel like they've found the one they would like to have be the parent of your future children.

I always think on Vivica Fox, she literally cried during an interview stating she wish that she had not let life pass her by and had conceived children in her late twenty's early thirties. She stated she was too caught up in trying to get the bag that she literally kept putting it off and then she found herself later in life not being able to conceive at all then realized she was close to menopause. She balled and stated how that is the one thing in life she still regrets to this day. That's sad. Regret is a beast especially when people who don't really know you think they know what's best for you. Regardless, if we've grown up with her or not, famous people's lives are their own.

So, with that all being said, fans need to stay in a fans place. Including me, and just enjoy the ride, and don't dictate what you think or think you know what is better for someone. We don't own anyone. What they choose to do is what they choose. Just enjoy the ride and remain a backseat driver. 😁.

They are here to entertain us, and that is all. I guarantee if she or Taylor decides to have kids with whom they are currently with, you do best to be happy or believe me. They won't be showing the fans anything. Especially about their personal lives. They will be Olsen twinning everyone. We didn't know the one was pregnant until the baby was a month old. 🤣 I ain't hardly mad. 😆

I see the changes...in my mind, and only by observing the written word or video interviews, speaking on Zendaya, she may have removed herself from social media for work purposes, but I believe she/they have given themselves a timeline. She ain't trying to hear nor feel anything negative, like she herself states, " she overthinks. And she wants to please her fans in some manner, or at least hope they will be happy and stand with her on her decisions. Or dare i say try to understand her decisions. Remember... Law and Darnell are also looking to move their lives forward as well.

I smiled at the idea she had for Rue being a surrogate. But, I didn't smile long, I actually felt what a great way to hide a real pregnancy. I could absolutely see that happening. Especially if they put it in as a rape scenario since she owes the money and they sent goons to collect. She wouldn't know who the babies father is, and she decides to keep the baby. You'd hate to see, but that's real shit right there. That can, will, and does happen in real life. I've watched too much THE FIRST 48. THAT SHOW IS A BEAST BY THE WAY. I thought, damn if they did that, wow... talk about a 3rd Emmy. No one would have a clue. And once the season ended... look, who was expecting it for real. It's all farfetched... or is it??? Hmmm...

Anyway, theirs my rant. Love the Sunday confessions, I feel alot better. 😂

TOODLES 👋 👋 👋

YES!!! All of this! VERY well said Anon! I couldn't agree w/you more! Of COURSE Tom and Z have talked marriage and kids, etc. Tom wouldn't be telling the media something that he and his gf haven't spoken about to each other. Let's get freakin' real. So if he's excited about having kids, then obviously Z is too! She definitely wants children some day. I think that's pretty obvious. She's found the love of her life, and so has he. They're BOTH ready imo. Maybe now isn't the best time, but I think fans are naive if they think that they aren't going to be having kids lol...whether it's with each other, or some other partner later on down the line (but I'm guessing it's probably going to be w/each other lol🤭).

Btw...that's so sad about Vivica Fox. I never knew that. 🥺

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narcissisticpdcultureis · 10 months ago

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cw: vent as long as should be expected from reddit refugee, r*ssian psychiatry being as dehumanizing as every other things in this country, english at the level of a non-native who got lost in reality while writing at least twice;

massive tw: forced hospitalization, suicidal troughs mention, abusive therapist and cruelty i suppose?

i don't even want to start it with "NPD culture is" cause i honestly (desperately) want that no one here will relate with my experience. i also will completely understand if this rant will not be posted, it's long, terrible, it's about may be specific to my doomed country's doomed medical care only. even i myself wish to having no idea about it. i not even goin to be anon here since i have a little fate in this end up posted.

well, NPD culture is dissociating each time anyone share they ideas about how often they supposed (they always supposed that is "never") pwNPD are searching for a therapy. i was the one who did search indeed and found out unpleasant fact that not only i won't get any help, but the one who should help me eventually will try to utterly destroy me. it's was what happened last time, i believe now i could have PTSD and here's the story.

after some dramatic events my npd symptoms slowly started getting much worse. i won’t describe everything, it’s enough to mention that during the year since the dramatic events™, i almost completely isolated myself from society and almost stopped doing anything for my studies, trying to avoid negativity from people around me. i tried seeing a counselor in college to address at least this issue, i can't remember anything about her other than she blamed me for my "parenting stance" and kept telling me i didn't want to work on myself and just wanted to blame everyone but myself for my condition. i tried to visit another psychologist. and another. while i was spending my last money trying to find a specialist who would at least hear me, it was getting worse, maybe because of the my belief that everyone would always be against me. when idea about getting lost in a river nearby my house became more common through than "go brush your teeth" i went to a town psychoneurological dispensary... i should have go to work spending the rest of my vitality to pay for another attempt at private psychotherapy.

just going to the dispensary was humiliating, and by that time I had already lost the idea that it was shameful to seek help. i had to describe troubling symptoms to the psychiatrist on duty... standing in a room full of strangers, only some of whom were medical staff, and the psychiatrist himself looked at me like i was a maggot. and I had to go through this procedure twice, because the first time, “I’m constantly thinking about throwing myself into the river,” apparently they didn’t hear. when i finally got to the dispensary, all those tests that were done to assess my sanity.... the wording of the questions was humiliating to say the least, and even with my belief that i was the most honest person in the world, i admit that lied on that tests. again, no one listened to me, patients in general were given as little attention as possible. when one of the conversations with the therapist she touched on a topic that was painful for me and i couldn't hold back my tears, i was threatened that if I didn't pull myself together i would be sent to a hospital. which exactly what happened.

this was supposed to be the longest part of the story, but it's physically hard for me to describe what happened, so I'm just listing it. i was not allowed to contact my family, to take any things, at least clothes from home, they just put me in an ambulance and took me to this prison. they took my phone and I didn't see any of my stuff until I was discharged. when they brought me in, they injected me with something and did it for the three days i was in the isolation ward where they put all the newcomers. later on, they transferred me to a general ward and again every day they gave me a hell of a lot of medicine. I don't know what they were. i know how it sounds but alas this is how russian psychiatric hospitals work and this horror can be confirmed in the stories of other... survivors? we were not allowed outside (because of covid they say), there were no family visitation days, the only thing we did was to walk along the corridor along the wards. no privacy, no emotions allowed, YOU a nothing.

i spent a month there. for crying. i could have gone longer, but I was able to convince the superintendent at the weekly meeting that i could be returned to the care of the dispensary. when I left, i was told that my good behavior would get me bipolar instead of schizoaffective disorder so they "wouldn't ruin my life." what does schizoaffective disorder have to do with anything? ut's what in this country they like to diagnose when they don't know what to diagnose. doesn't really matter if you fit criteria. i didn't fit any of them, so thanks for... not ruining my life i guess.

it took me two years to recover from all this. i think i'm mostly fine as long as no one mentions how bad narcissists are for not going to therapy. like even though I know I need therapy, i can't bring myself to do it. i know there must be normal therapists, but I feel too deep a dislike and distrust of people in this profession. you know... it could cost me life?

#thats horrible nonny im so sorry that all happened to you :(#npd culture is #npd #actually narcissistic #actually npd #narcissistic personality disorder #cluster b #psychiatric abuse #abuse tw #suicide tw #ask to tag

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mikkeneko · 9 months ago

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Tagged for the 'fic writer interview' by @veliseraptor!

I feel like I may have seen this meme going around before? Some of these questions strike me as familiar, particularly the 'thoughts on foreign language dialogue?' one, since I'm puzzled as to what this question is asking and I remember being stymied by it before. I think that I want to fill this one out with any answers that have changed since last time and any questions I like to talk about, and skip the questions that don't have interesting answers.

Fic Writer Interview

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

207 as of current!

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

2,939,672. Getting close to the 3million mark there -- possibly, as with Lise's case, this year's MDZS big bang may put me over the top. (If not, that + other current project probably will.)

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Without even looking I'm pretty sure that the top two spaces will be Loki fics and the third will be Ceru's fic, lmao. *checks*

Close! Loki fics take up first, third, and fifth place, and Ceru's fic is in second. However *yakety sax arrangement for guqin and xiao* has crept into the top five, at place 4, making it the first of my Untamed fics to do so. (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes, usually. There are some factors that may lead me to not respond including 1) too short or had no content for me to reply to (i.e. a string of emojis), 2) it's on a fic from a fandom I don't really consider myself part of any more, or 3) too negative, such as when people for some reason have chosen to use the comment box as a space to rant about how much they hate a character, oftentimes with little to no connection to what I actually wrote.

On the other hand, I will almost always reply to a comment that poses a direct question, also incl. requests for permission to translate or podfic. I love when people ask questions. It used to be an ongoing source of angst to me when people would leave comments with questions on Fanfic.net, but without any way for me to reply. ╯︿╰

5. What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Probably Rise From Ash, a downer ending Loki fic where Loki got caught in a timeloop trying to prevent Ragnarok from happening. More recently, probably nostrum. In both cases though the Bad Ending is simply a reversion to canon mean, so it probably could have been worse.

6. What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

I do love happy endings! There's usually at least some element of melancholy or bittersweetness, but the ones I'd say are most happiness-loaded with that regard would probably be either One Elegant Solution (which was literally written for the purposes of giving the characters the happiest possible ending) or the coda ending of the refrain series (where I literally spell out at the end what I think the ideal ending for each character would look like.)

7. Do you write crossovers?

Not in the old-school understanding of the term crossovers, where the characters and settings of series A and series B literally meet and interact, but I write a lot of fusions, where characters of series A are placed in setting of series B or are otherwise remixed together. Modern fandom seems to have largely elided the distinction.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

A few times. I'd put these into three buckets: 1) people who didn't like what I was doing with the character/story and told me so, but were civil about it and merely stated they were not going to continue reading; 2) people who write unprompted character hate in my comments, usually unrelated to whatever's going on in the text, which I don't enjoy but don't really take personally; and 3) people actually writing callouts or otherwise putting me 'on blast' for a specific fic. That last one has only happened once (that I know of) and while it wasn't particularly upsetting to me either then or now, it sure was A Trip. This is already a long post, so I won't elaborate here unless someone asks.

9. Do you write smut?

Occasionally. It's one of my less favorite things to write, but I'll do it if the story seems to call for it.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

This rings a very very faint bell, possibly sometime in the aughts I have a vague recollection of encountering one of my own stories on some geocities site under someone else's name, but I don't recall who it was or which fic. Not since then that I know of.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! Enough times that I have lost track of all the specific instances, but I think maybe once or twice a year I'll get a request by someone to do a translation or podfic. I do not recall any instance where I said no, but I do prefer to be asked first.

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes! With @faux-fires, a Tsubasa Chronicle sci-fi AU, many years ago. Alas the currents of life took us in different directions before we could write the next part.

13. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Don't have an interesting answer for this.

14. What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

I do have lingering regrets over my abandoned WIPs from Critical Role fandom, Molly's Moving Castle and Fjord Mustang's YEEHAW! Fun and Pony Ranch, both of which fell victim to the march of canon and my eventual departure from the fandom. The latter fic in particular was going to go some wild places.

15. What are your writing strengths?

I think my pacing is excellent, my character voices are usually solid, I can do humor very well and action competently. I can spin a coherent plot and an exciting adventure. I both enjoy and am good at AU worldbuilding and can convey exposition without infodumping, and can do melodrama and angst that packs a solid punch.

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

Mostly those of career fanfic authors everywhere: I'm weak at developing original characters and largely unmotivated to write plots that don't shadow or mirror the original text in some way. I've also noticed a recurring and growing difficulty with romance; I like romance, but when trying to write a romantic story, often fail to move the romance arc convincingly forward. (See also above answer re: smut.)

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Don't have an interesting answer for this.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Gundam Wing, baby! I feel like there was a bit of a GW revival on tumblr recently? Man, now there was a fandom whose fanon vastly overshadowed its canon.

19. What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

Fandom - I have a half-written draft for an Encanto fanfic lying around somewhere, if you can believe it; I'd also like to do some ZhanChengXian work, but haven't figured out an approach for it yet. If a romance with two principals is hard for me, imagine how much harder adding a third participant must be!

20. What's your favorite fic you've written?

Not gonna pick one! I like some fics more than others, for various different reasons, but none of them stand out as an All Time Favorite.

And that's it! For tagging people... @cerusee, @faux-fires, perhaps @tavina-writes or @nyoomerr?

#mikke memes #long post

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thisselflovecamebacktome · 1 year ago

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Update time:

As per usual I'll put the tldr before the cut and longer rant surrounding my feelings under.

I'm going to have very limited internet from October 13th to 27th, like to the point of probably only having internet for 2 of those days maximum (likely the 16th and 25th but we'll see). With that in mind, please feel free to continue to send messages but just note that I may not answer until the 27th.

There's a good chance that I am going to start blogging again around November 4th.

If I do come back, it won't be as actively as before (but more than now) and there's a good chance that I will veer towards being more of a multifandom blog than mostly a Taylor one.

Okay so longer thoughts around this all... So when I took my break, I wasn't sure how long I planned it to be or even if I could do it at all. Like I had been wanting to for so long that I expected to fall back into old habits within a week. So the fact that I have made it this far, and like with ease, has been incredible. But the truth is that this break had three major goals and I feel like only one of them has been even somewhat fulfilled.

Firstly, and the one that has been somewhat fulfilled, was proving to myself that I could use my time doing something else. And I say somewhat fulfilled because like realistically I'm still online more than I would've liked, just on like Duolingo or whatever relearning Japanese. And don't get me wrong, I still feel like that's better than being on social media for 15 hours a day and it has somewhat helped me manage my time better. Likewise, I do have a ton of offline activities coming up, but they're all temporary holidays. And it may sound weird to remedy that with coming back online but that leads into goal two.

The second goal was to feel more connected to people. Realistically, I still feel the same (very positively) about my offline friends and just feel more disconnected to the community I had here. And now that I think I can balance my time better with social media, I'm willing to try find a better balance for that.

And then there's the elephant in the room, which is tied with the third goal. The third goal was to get away from the noise because honestly? I've had very mixed, but more rapidly negative growing emotions about being in the Taylor Swift fandom since Midnights' release but especially this year, like more so than ever (which, those of you who have been around since 2015 know, is saying something). I had hoped that time away would somewhat subdue the negativity, especially because my expectations for Taylor have been far lower since 2019 than they were previously and I found my way back to her then. But honestly? It only reinforced it. I'm not saying that I hate Taylor or her fandom now. Like I will still go to eras in February and I love you guys, but I can't pretend like May didn't happen or that it didn't have real world/offline effects to people who I love including violence from others and self harm. And more so, I can't pretend like it doesn't make me resentful that despite god knows how many posts and tiktoks and whatever from Taylor Swift fans saying that they've also faced offline harm, people are still acting like this was just a chronically online issue that was 'overreacted' on. And like honestly? This year, and the acceptance that this stuff likely isn't going to change, was the straw that broke the camel's back with that stuff, not the whole issue.

Like my whole view of being a fan has changed; everything from engaging in her music purchasing her music (Speak Now TV was the first time I hadn't preordered it and only own it now because I was gifted it, the same will go for 1989 TV and tbh have barely listened to her music lately), to other media where I'm not as motivated or scared of FOMO as to feel the need to see everything straight away or get more eras tickets (I'm likely going to cancel the accommodation I had for the city I was going to get resale tickets for) and I no longer feel comfortable reblogging any photos that Taylor hasn't taken/approved herself. And that's led to a place where ultimately I feel like I am here more for the community than even being a fan if that makes sense. Like again, I love you all and I don't hate Taylor, it's just more than she's now at the level of just say The Weeknd for me where I appreciate the musicality more than stanning her as a person as opposed to it being both like before. And I've had a lot of fear around that, particularly earlier in the year because I may not be able to have the community without being as involved with the factor tying us all together, but I'm in a far better headspace now where I can trust that that won't be the case but also be fine if it is.

Anyway that was a rant and a half, but the point is that if and when I come back, which may or may not be sooner than I thought, I'll be looking at following more non-Taylor blogs. I still haven't made a choice on level of personal posts though, but I do think it's going to be more of a balance of positive moments in my life and leaving most of my negative ones for myself because while I'd like to think that I've been an honest influence by showing my struggles, a large part of my conflicting feelings about being online is just how identifiable I've been through posting those struggles, especially in a country where any onus of defamation is on the person making the statements. It's honestly a big reason why 99% of my biggest struggles from last year weren't posted, because unfortunately, with how uncommon some of my issues have been, posting them plus the selfies I have over the years (and tbh even without the selfies) has led to feeling like I have a target on my back and I just can't do that anymore. So yeah, this is another rant but while it's not set in stone, if I post anything about my life, it will be more manufactured and 'best of' rather than the whole picture... ironically given I feel like tumblr has often been my diary/venting space for the worst moments lmao.

But anyway, I've ranted enough and it's after midnight here now, so that's where things stand atm.

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spaceinvadeeer · 2 years ago

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didn't think i'd have to do this one day, but that was the last straw. please read the entirety of this post before interacting with it in any way.

for context, a day ago i stumbled on this post that was last reblogged by a mutual, whomst i decided to dm after reading all of it.

since the screenshots of our dm convo are very long, here's a link to what i sent and here's the response i got.

while i absolutely get why those people were upset about non-americans making ignorant takes on their country, i didn't understand why the need to lash out at europeans like we're all some kind of heartless monsters. i could at least understand if it were about things we are to be held accountable for, but as far as i'm aware all the arguments mentioned in this angry rant could also be said about americans. i dm'd that mutual to try and point out that the lashout was a bit unecessary and that it was just harmful to let out your anger on a specific group of people (regardless of who they are) you are not a part of. but since they decided to block me after replying instead of hearing me out like a grown-up, i'll have to address this publicly while of course keeping them anonymous.

so let's address this point by point...

1- i did not say that i never witnessed hate, nor that it'd never happen for whatever reason. i pretty much did say that i'm aware of the assholes out there making fun of horrible events. however, if you chose to focus on all the negativity instead of all the support non-americans are willing to give, then it's your problem not ours.

2- if you find it so outrageous and uncalled for that europeans speak about america and its citizens like they know everything... then don't you think it's fair that we also get pissed when americans post hateful rants about europe that hold no factual value? what do you, an american, know about europe? about its inhabitants? certainly not more than me, who pretty much was born and lives in western europe and sees fucktons of europeans everyday and know what the overall opinion is over here.

3- so your only examples of haters are to be found... in YouTube/TikTok comments? this is just lazy. i could also say that mean americans trash-talked the hell out of my country in comment sections, but i won't ever do it bc firstly, i have no way of knowing where commenters are actually from and i don't care enough to dwell on it, and secondly they could just be trolls waiting for someone to give them the attention they're seeking.

4- while i do 100% agree that whoever puts the blame on individuals for not being able to change their government is wrong bc it's much more complex than that, by saying "i bet that if i open any post about the current events there'll be nasty comments about americans" you are choosing to focus on the negative. because negativity is not all there is, but it seems like it's more convenient for you to turn a blind eye on all the positive messages so it fits your biased opinion.

5- the entire bit about how someone is not a good person if they refuse to help after being insulted for no valid reason makes me laugh. just think about it for a moment... would you personally be willing to support someone after they got angry at you for making gross generalizations, without seeing you as a person but rather as part of a "mass of brainless insensitive people"? if the way you already blocked me after i tried to have a calm discussion is any indication, i'd say no. you just wanted to feel like you had the last word, you do not care to tell me (and by extension, other non-americans) how they can help best nor do you care to hear me out. i guess my pov doesn't matter, so you shouldn't have to hear it...

6- "if it offends you, it likely struck a nerve" says the one who went off in the first place about how europeans are big bad insensitive meanies and the like. i do not stand hearing uneducated takes on my continent, and i do not stand being belittled based on bullcrap nonsense. i don't think this is a very european-exclusive thing though, and it's got nothing to do with white fragility or toxic masculinity either. it's simply called the wish to be respected as a human being.

7- "if they did genuinely care, they'd read up and educate themselves" then i strongly advise you to read and get educated about europe, because clearly your surface level of understanding is not even accurate. europe is not a monolith, no country is perfect, no country is heaven on earth, not all countries are as well off as others, heck not all countries are even at peace right now. but if you still think the united states are merely laughing stock for the rest of the world's amusement, then i would suggest you put your superiority complex away for a moment and take a look at a few (of many) non-americans voicing out their support for all afabs in america who are being discriminated against:

Laura Calu (French) Neil Gaiman (English) Georgia Tennant (English) Aksually (Estonian) Kurtis Conner (Canadian)

if you're an american reading this, know that i do not hate you. i will never assume the worst of you just based on your nationality; i will respect you as long as you show the same respect for me. all the crimes and tragedies taking place in the united states are not deserved, and it's certainly unfair that middle- and lower-class citizens have to suffer from a system that is fundamentally faulty and hard to change. however, if you're looking for an outlet for your anger and/or if you think i'm less valid than you for being upset when someone spreads unprompted takes about the place and system i live in without knowing shit about it, then you can go elsewhere.

#if you happen to find back who the other people are PLEASE DO NOT HARASS THEM.#i do not condone any form of harassment or threats no matter who they're directed at #i just wanted to speak up about something that bothered me- im not starting a witch hunt.

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selfcareparker · 4 years ago

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(lovely anon) i'm so happy to finally be answering this oh my goodness hi gorgeous human being i feel that it has been too long 🥲 SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED SINCE THE LAST TIME I'VE WRITTEN ONE OF THESE HOW HAVE YOU BEEN

to answer the things you have said most recently- i'm so mad that spring break is over bc now i have to go back to life??? like dancing and school and shit that feels so unnessacry 😭 and like i can't just do nothing anymore? i was so used to it and now...... ugh. i STILL haven't played sims (i think it's because ✨depression✨ be hitting sometimes) lol but MWAHAH IM SO HAPPY FOR YOUR NEIGHBOR!AU AND THAT THEY HAD LITTLE BABY LEO!! i feel the name thing.. i just come up with something that sounds nice? i think leo is a nice name, it makes me think about lea michele and the fact that her son's name is Ever Leo but anyway. i don't name my sims after what i want to name my children irl either... idk why though. (i don't know why i'm telling you this but for boy names i love Liam🥰 and if i had twin boys i think i would do Liam and Peter though i am not married to the name Peter.... anywho)

LMAOOO the therpaist coming made me laugh thank you :)) i hope it's helpful? this may be tmi but i've only really had negative thoughts recently and not many healthy outlets so i'm hoping crossing one thing off this sad list will make me feel better :') i think during spring break my anxiety and my depression really spiked? idk, it comes in episodes but yeah THIS GOT REALLY SAD

i think a lot of things when i read your posts but i never say them hahaha so imma say it now: i googled what bon appetit meant ( i also just had to google how to spell it ) but ur right, i feel like bone apple tea makes more sense than bone apple teeth.. the "th" is throwing me off bc how i say it bone appa (like app-a) teet (like you're saying tit but teet lol) so bone apple tea makes more sense to me lol

i never know really know the time difference for anything lmao but est to germany (that's not gmt is it?) is like 6 hours wOAH so it's like 9pm while it’s 3pm here? wowee

i feel mega weird after watching this show called hollywood (darren criss is in it, so is laura harrier and a bunch of other people) but i don't like it💀 i feel really icky rn and idk why but reading your last response to my ask (?) always makes me feel better :')

i am doing what you said btw, i'm typing this on my computer first then gonna transfer it to my phone's tumblr lol but when you said a digital detox, it's interesting cuz i feel like i've been having one since tom's new project was announced? gOD i don't wanna get into it bc i get so triggered but i've been off of instagram since then bc instagram stans literally stand by tom through whatever even when something ain't right- i’m just gonna leave it there bc i’ll continue the rant, but yeah so i took a break lol

also heard abt your driving lesson thing (?) was it that bad? i can't find the old post but someone asked if you hooked up with your lesson person and i was sOOO CONFUSED LMAOO LIKE OK ARIA GET SOME BUT UHH HUH?

now to address the actual response HAHA the way you touch my heart :') by :') bringing :') up :') halle :') being ariel :') (i honest to God don't remember if i brought this up first, forgive me if i did, it's been a minute lmao) i'm always talking about it and i'm pretty sure my family is so tired of me talking about it lmao, but YEAH when i found out they weren't twins i was so surprised but idk why i always thought they were twins? but YOU ARE SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE WITH THE DISNEY TALK- everyone is always like "tiana is my favorite princess" and yea she's strong and stuff but...... she was a frog. for almost the whole time. it's about time we got another one!! i do agree with some people on the fact that disney should just make another black princess but halle is adorable and i was ariel on stage so it's already really special to me :')

yeah lol there are good times with my brothers but they make me mad for a good portion of the time (there's the 12yo vincent and the 7yo daniel but vincent??? psshhh he is a piece of work and i'm not sure how much longer i can put up with him HAJAH AND YES VINCENT IS THE ONE WHO WAS 👁👄👁WHEN I CRIED AND THE ONE WHO DOESN'T LISTEN TO MUSIC- writing this now makes it sound like vincent is awful. which he isn't... we're working on him ig. not to add to the awfulness but no, he listens to obnoxious loud VIDEO GAME MUSIC and won't stop when we ask him to stop... he gets beat up a lot) anyway i imagine being an only child is really calming.. like you have time to yourself and its just you and your parents 😌

yeah let me know if you end up watching it (wandavision)! i think it's great but if you like it lmk!! tfatws is sooo good like PHEW i am honestly loving it. sidenote: j*hn w*lker makes me wanna jump through the screen and choke him to the ground. i was thinking right, and the falcon and the winter soldier (THATS SO MUCH EASIER FAJHKDAH) would techinally be like a 10 hour movie right? because every episode is an hour long and there'll be 10 episodes? like wow. i get what you mean though, abt the racism in the show etc, like looking forward to it but not like..... no i get what you mean i will not try and give another example lol but you make me wanna learn more languages like really badly (bc of what you said about the german to american translation) & if you end up watching hamilton PLEASE LMK ABT THAT TOO HAHAHA i love it so much, same thing with lion king lmaoo

speaking of germany, i was at lunch on saturday with my mom and her friend and we were talking about my schooling and like-- she planted this idea in my head lol like what if i just got my GED and went around the world (to england probably) to get a theatre experience??? and i think it sounds so cool but no where near practical lol, it's just..... the dream haha and i would then try and learn a language 😉

uh yes we absolutely should order basically a resturant meal at a cinema, how about burgers, chips (fries), and a large drink? any time next week works for me, should i pick you up?

also about cherry (which i still haven't watched yet lol) i got the timestamps from tumblr😌 i couldn't find them anywhere else, but i agree, i probably wouldn't even look twice at cherry if tom wasn't in it? like i liked tdatt a lot, but it's not a movie i would be itching to see ya know?

HAHAHAHA THE 24 HOUR NOTIFICATION- i think i have around 1030 hours on sims? but i've had it since 2019 lmao (reading the screenshots, yes u are 100% a genuis, i take screenshots too but on anon you can't upload them so i just read them and retype what i wrote lmao) i think the university experience in the game is fun, but time consuming and it's all work imo. idk why i do it so often tho 😭😭😭

and agreed!! when you're making good money in the game you have to find other ways to make it interesting. my cousins who play it just continously do "motherlode" and i'm like.... then what do you do in your game?? it just sounds boring to me... my current sims household, i had a famous comedian sim, her name was dylan, aND SORRY IM LAUGHING SO HARD WHILE WRITING THIS BC ITS A GREAT EXAMPLE OF THE UNI THING UNLESS IM JUST DUMB, she went to college for communications when i wanted her to be a comedian and when she graduated i realized that degree did nothing for the career 🥲 so yeah, i think i'm just dumb. but she had a kid in college, guy didn't stick around and she was pretty broke HA but then she got married to this (great) guy named steve, made good bank, had 5 more kids (two sets of twins and one more lol) but then she passed. uhm... yeah that's still an open wound . lol i'm kidding, but when you get rich like that, you have to find a way to make the game interesting and i chose a million kids.

(this was one giant paragraph until i broke it up uhh yeah) i seriously don't pay attention to the sims prices and just end up spending way too much money and not being able to finish the rest of the house😭 but then again, i'm so used to having sims live in apartments... if i end up building a house FIRST OF ALL it'll look like what you explained before lmao but i'll tell you if i actually end up building a house HAHA & planning out your sims game is so fun to me lol, did enisa and michael take in his daughter yet? i may be thinking too far ahead lol and i love that they fucked woohooed (i say woo woo lol) in celebration HAHA but when i was playing with this one couple i had them woo woo every night hoping the dude would have horrible pull out game and they would concieve, but one night they were too tired and i was like why? get back in there man. if i was in college and lived with my partner we would be fucking every night homie. be grateful. i have been talking a lot about sims, and like you said: enough 💀 i just love this game a lot 😭😭

SORRY LAST THING i think the sims romantic and sexual stuff is so nice bc its what i want?? LMAO IDK like the whole hot tub thing you're talking about- puh lease ITS JUST NICE TO SEE OKAY

i'm reading the german section over again and i said aloud "my german friend is so cool" lol (i was saying that to my brothers & i know they don't care LMAO) (& i'm glad the uni zoom call went well!!) so on a form, in german, it could possibily say Einführungsveranstaltungsteilnehmer because you would be a participant to an introductory event? i swear german sounds so cool 😌 but i love reading your german lessons!! it's really interesting, most of the time my brain can't comprehend it tho?? like that word makes sense to you, but i need a translation. like to be able to look at that and know what it says.... its just appealing and seems so cool lol i kinda wanna write something out in german but i feel that google translate will fail me. während googeln "google übersetzen" mein Computer war so verdammt langsam und es fühlte sich einfach wie etwas Gutes auf Deutsch zu sagen. ich bin nicht sicher, welches Wort ist "fucking", aber ich mag es lmao (did it fail me like i thought it would??)

LMAOOO THANK YOU FOR BRINGING UP JUSTIN BC WHILE AT THE RESTURANT THEY PLAYED A JUSTIN SONG AND I IMMEDIATELY THOUGHT OF YOU AND THIS STORY😭 lol i was thinking it's depending on your age but not even that either... i really don't know.... but tom's fans are hollanders💀 i would consider myself one? he's the only person i'm really into like that (like a lot lol) so idk lmao (directioners 💔💔the pain is real)

LMAOOO (both of these paragraphs started off with “lmaooo” smh) "i like my men when they look like they are on the brink of death" PLEASE, i don't like pete's blonde hair... i just don't. i'm not sure if i wasn't watching the most recent snls but yea. my mom thinks he looks like trash, but i think he's okay? like he said staten island people just look like trash LMAO and I STILL HAVEN'T SEEN KING OF STATEN ISLAND GIRL I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT THAT!! now i'm gonna make plans to watch it lmao, & yes agreed i find pete hot, don't ask why i really couldn't explain it to someone he's just .

my favorite songs from rex are from pony oh my goodness 🥺 anywho i'm gonna go eat cereal (i ended up eating bun and cheese instead) and listen to the Stormzy songs you recommended... aria. aria aria aria. i would like to thank you for introducing me to stormzy i- i don't have any words or any emojis to express HOW GOOD STORMZY IS. i hope he's popular in germany/the uk because i haven't heard of him but GURLLLL

one second - delicious i love it. it's really good. it’s not my favorite from the album, but its great.

superheroes - at first i played the non-explicit one (on accident) and wondered why the words weren't playing but i was reading them in the lyrics??? THIS ONE THOUGH??? IS THE BEST SONG I THINK I'VE EVER HEARD. i am so SO SO into black people empowering songs (like brown skin girl by beyonce) and this song???? PHEW I CRYYYYY ITS SO GOOD.... i was gonna quote some lyrics BUT THERS TOO MANY I LOVE, "i am young, black, beautiful, and brave" "black queen, you're immaculate, it's coming at the world, they ain't ready for your magic yet, and that was never your fault" THAT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT- I ALMOST CRIED THIS SONG IS SO BEAUTIFUL (i played it twice lol)

lessons is another beautiful one, like its slow and it feels intimate and nurturing and just OO chefs kiss, beautiful . like you can feel the apology and the regret... it’s so good

own it - OWN IT OWN IT OWN IT IS AMAZING!! swear you would catch me dancing to this song, this song is so fucking good i cannot comprehend like this one might be my favorite for real... "it's the way you wind up your waist, i'm so in awe, you never have to worry abt nothing, you know its yours, you know you own it" 🥲 i played it two or three times honestly

rachael's little brother - YES I DID LISTEN TO IT LMAO AND YES I LIKE IT, its a very complex song and it's very layered in terms of emotions i think and i really like that about it. i probably won't listen to it that often, but its really good. i would recommend this song to my "older brother" bc he would just absolutely love this

shut up - i was taking this song seriously (also very good) until i heard him say shu-T up LMAO, this one is good, i probably wouldn't listen to it 24/7 like rachael's little brother but honestly its still fire

before listening to blinded by your grace and vossi bop, i know you brought up the religion bit, i definitely don't mind that, especially because i'm Christian lol and i actually liked that he brought up God in some of his songs like idk i just like it🥰🥰

(i then went to bed after that lol but first thing in the morning i listened to superheroes and... that song is probably my favorite tbh, i was gonna write MORE quotes that i loved from it but, yeah no there's too many. if you want i'll tell you lmao but this is already so long i would just be quoting the whole friggin song)

VOSSI BOP IS A BOP (lol) I CANT EVEN LIE, i love a song that hypes up a dude's girl so the line- i love that my phone decided to fail to load the lyrics, lemme google it, okay the lyric "looking at my girl like what a goddess" i was like AYEEE its honestly just really good. and no one in america says "sauce" like "i've got the sauce" but now i do (thanks to love island and Nas from last season) and now stormzy so (also im gonna watch the music video for superheroes bc it looks great so 😛)

(because this is already so long i feel like i shouldn't finish the rest but . no i'm gonna do it)

now for blinded by your grace pt2 idk why i’m nervous lmaoo PAUSE I'M NOT EVEN DONE WITH THE SONG GIRL THIS SONG IS *chefs kiss* no words, speechless PHEW y'all gon make me start jumping around. why did i not know about stormzy before, he is amazing i- ok yeah i finished the song, all i have to say is that Stormzy is immaclucate. period. i am literally sending his music to all my friends he is..... amazing

you want my song recommendations 🥺🥺 hmm uh okay lol i listen to a lot of old music, whitney houston, marvin gaye, queen, celine dion, i love "more than words" by extreme uhmm okay, but for actual music i listen to on the daily? (this is a lot of different music like.... they do not go together lmao so be prepared) a song about being sad by rex orange county, betty by taylor swift and lover by taylor swift and... most of that album lol, treasure by bruno mars lmao, OOOO and versace on the floor by bruno as well, lazybaby by dove cameron, creep by tlc has been on repeat lol, deja vu by olivia rodrigo (i saw what you said about drivers license and AGREED LMAO but i like deja vu a lot more haha) and two albums that i listen to in general, rare by selena gomez and ungodly hour by chloe x halle 🥰 you don't have to listen to all of them or any of them lol but that's a sense of what i'm into :) so basically everything haha, i'm into literally every single kind of music really so i wasn't too surprised that i enjoyed stormzy :’)

HAHASBSJHAHA your h20 story cracked me up,, like "wow these actors are so dedicated, learning german just for us" 😭 the beauty of overdubbing

once again, math and maths, in my mind maths makes sense because its mathmatics, but saying maths doesn't feel right to me lol, like if i said maths i feel like everyone would look at me like ??? and yea i was taught it as math so its just more natural for me. but yes math/maths is disgusting, easily one of my least favorite subjects so .

mkay. i- the first time i read this i could not contain my laughter when you said the only pollen you know is sex pollen LMAOKOOSHBABJFAJF STOPPP I'M EVEN LAUGHING WRITING THIS,, anyway. wow! that's interesting, my dad (<<< mostly anything else) gets migraines from the sun and the heat and stuff, yesterday (sunday, i was outside for like hours watching my brothers play football, the american kind lol) i was in the sun for like ever and i got a headache😔

summer clothes🥲 i need to go shopping fr fr. for my birthday my mom and dad got me a giftcard like dedicated to a shopping spree and we've yet to go so..... i should bring it up to my mom lol, but!! i went bra shopping (ended up returning literally all of them cuz they honestly didn't work for day to day work? its a long story) and if i could i would walk around in this new "summer bra" i got, i would. it's so fricking cute and its really light fabric (which isn't perfect for my nipples but still) so i don't get hot in it, but that bra and some shorts would be perfect. its the closest thing to being naked so

IS THE BIRD STILL BOTHERING U ARIA, TELL ME NOW ISTG, i laughed really hard that the bird isn't stupid and is really trying to torture you LMAOO like i was rolling, it wants you to suffer, badly

when you said "mensus" it was still close to mens!!! latin speaking queen 😌😌

okay STORYTIME i was reading back your response and started (fake) crying bc i love you lol and my youngest brother (daniel) gon say "oh man, catherine's crying about something we don't care about, again" I--- i swear when i tell you about them they sound awful, but they aren't that bad, just the stuff i say about them is sounds really mean LMAO

but the thing you said about being kind, same, what i always say is: don't be the person that makes people say "i hate people" ya know? like there's no reason to be a jerk or anything.... but its true 🥺🥺🥺🥺 you are really kind and every time i talk to you i would like to personally fly to germany and give you a hug 💖💕💞💗💓💝💖💘

& i'm gonna show my stretch marks some love bc of you 🥺😭 i really hate how men have basically everyone conditioned that you can't love your own body </3 fuck them, y'all beautiful :')

also thanks for what you said :')) you literally are the kindest, sweetest person i think i've ever spoken to and i love you 🥰🥺🥲💓💗

READING YOUR TAGS HAHAHHAHA the spelling errors makes everything so much funnier. once again, i like your german lessons & yea!! i'm gonna play sims after writing this hahah

#catherine's tags are back #i don't think i've told you my name before?? #anyway it's catherine🥰🥰🥰 #i'm typing this on my computer (without emojis) and if i didn't edit this you would be reading shit shite like #heartface and pout and cry LMAO #yeah abt the tattoos #some stuff with my parents i'm like deal with it??? lol #my mom tells me "if there's something you enjoy or you like but i don't have the same opinion on it... why would my (my mom's) opinion matter? #and i love that #like i'm not gonna go and do whatever i want #but if my mom doesn't like that i swear (which isn't true just an example) #its like okay.... #but whatever #and your tattoo ideas sound really cute!! #and yeah @ your parents, i mean you aren't getting something wild #and the tattoo album>>> #i'm gonna look up ariana's butterfly tattoos just so i know what you mean lol #but i'm guessing you don't want something so incredibily simple, but not super like over the top? #correct me if i'm wrong lol #LMAO the tags were in order don't worry ! #and yeah lol ily2 <33 #and once again, again, sorry for this post JSHJS ITS A MESS AND LONG AS HELL #and you don't need to go in order of my post its literally longer than your german compound words #u're fine #also !!! while writing this the birds were chirping outside and i was like 😳 #and one of your fics (i’ve read all of them, i don’t remember lol) that valentine’s day one where y/n had lingerie on (the pancake one lol) #inspired me to buy lingerie #like when i look back on me “growing up” #that fic & basically you lol really helped with that #that made no sense and i don’t know how to make it make sense... but... yeah. like ily

hiiiiiiiiiii <3333

Dear catherine, 😌

(you have said your name before, but it wasn‘t like an introduction or anything i think you were talking about .... was it possibly the incident at the cinema??? And you said something like ‘calm down catherine‘ like you were telling yourself to calm down idkd dkdkkdkd anyway i didn‘t mention it cause i wasn‘t sure if it was an accident or not dkdjd but now i know 😌❤️ Catherine is such a cute and lovely name btw omg and so are your brothers‘s names 🥰

Sorry that I‘m answering this so late, it‘s been an emotional rollercoaster for me since last week but i‘ll get to that in a second lol

Sksklssk girl i haven‘t played sims in like 2 weeks now ekejdkdlldld ok that‘s not that long at all actually but i keep wanting to play but then i end up not playing for whatever reason, so no news about my sims game 😔 but i love the names Liam and Peter and for twins!!! That sounds really nice actually

okay i‘m trying to answer your ask in chronological answer even though i wanted to wait for the depressing stuff and write it at the end or something OKAY so. i thought that i‘d feel so good when i start uni and that i‘ll like... have a purpose in life again and just be happy (cause in the last year i didn‘t do much and i was depressed like half of the time lol).... anyway i kind of feel even worse now? 😭 i think it‘s because in my brain it‘s like: university!!! that means your life will change and it‘ll all be so exciting. and don‘t get me wrong it is exciting butttt..... idk the online thing is so weird cause you‘re not meeting any new people (i‘m introverted anyway but still lol) and it doesn‘t feel like you‘re listening to/talking to actual people cause it feels the same as just watching a video?

also i thought i‘d be busy again but i only have one lecture (90mins) a day and theres one day where i dont have any lectures at all and just one day where i have 3 hours but.... idk i mean i shouldn‘t complain about having so much free time but i just don‘t know what to do all day and in a pandemic there really is nothing to do but i also can‘t relax bc it‘s like during the week and i know i have uni the next day and .... yeah.

There‘s also this one assignment i had to do that took me AT LEAST SIX HOURS AND IM NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING????? so that was the only thing i‘ve been doing besides “going to“ lectures. for this one course we have to read two (really really long) texts (like it literally took me 3 hours to read them) and we‘re supposed to post it on this website that all the professors in our uni use. So after 5 days of anxiety (✌🏼) i posted mine this morning bc last night i realised that i didn‘t even know why i was having anxiety so i just posted mine today. The deadline is tomorrow at 12 and no one except me has posted theirs yet........ so i have anxiety again 🥰 cause idk if i‘m the only one who did it or if i even did it correctly

Edit while i‘m rereading this: my anxiety about uni is a lot better and i‘m not as d*pressed anymore maybe it was just hormones? idk but i‘m better so that‘s good

(I started writing this like 5 hours ago and then i randomly completely forgot lol)

I‘m in a better mood now though so let‘s move on from that (oh wait also, i think i‘m gonna see if i can find a psychiatrist bc with my anxiety symptoms (long story) i need to go to a psychiatrist, and so far i‘ve only gone to like psycholgists and it didn‘t help but i think that‘s just bc i was meant to go to a psychiatrist and not a psychologist so dldjdjsj

n e ways but yes you‘re not alone, ily, things will get better and yes i love you (i‘m not good at this type of thing🥲 but i‘d hug you right now if i could <3)

Yess i think the time difference between est and me is 6hours but gmt is uk time i believe? i think mine is called.... cet? For central european time? I could be completely wrong though lmao

Oof i completely forgot about hollywood, i remember when laura kept posting about it on instagram but i never actually watched it and i definitely won‘t now lmaodkdksjsn

Okay my driving lesson LEBDJDKDK I DID NOT HOOK UP WITH ANYONE AKSJSKSMMLM especially not my 40 or 50 year old driving instructor lol i like her but NOT LIKE THAT, the lesson was really really really good actually and i think i‘ll have my driving test soon, but i don‘t even remember why the anon would have thought that??? Oh wait now i remember okay KEKSKDLDL so during the lesson my instructor was like do you mind if i turn on some music? AND THIS WOMAN TURNED ON ONE DIRECTION I LOVE HER so i made a post about it and i said something about the song up all night and i guess i phrased it in a .... idk in a dumb way 💀 so the anon made a joke that i stayed up with my driving instructor all night and NO. No.

Wait did i read that right? YOU WERE ARIEL ON STAGE? SIALDBDJDKSLMSBDKDMDMDKDJSLSMDJFJJEDMBFEKLEFBJDLDVSIDLESKSKWKDKDJDOWNYUEKWNDUWLNSUFLWVSUDLEHDOENSIDBEISBEHENJELBSIEMWUDNRIW KB WOBE JO ON SBEUU HIII S HWS LV W ICH US KB okay this keyboard smash is getting out of hand but uh please do elaborate on that 💘😌???? Like you can‘t just drop that information and not say more??? I forgot if you‘re in like your school‘s drama group (is that a thing? lol idk anything about acting) or in an independent group? Either way - ARIEL that is so fucking cool

Your brothers loooooool, no i get it though obviously you love them and stuff but esp at their age children are so annoying so good luck with them 😭😭😭lmao

Yeah “anyway i imagine being an only child is really calming.. like you have time to yourself and its just you and your parents 😌“ yeah just me and my parents who constantly fight 🥰 lmao no i like being an only child, like i cannot imagine having siblings but i feel like if i had siblings i would be saying that i can‘t imagine being an only child so? but i do think it‘s quite different like i‘m trying to imagine having siblings and WHAT that‘s just so different omg i‘ve never really thought about it like properly ???

I saw a tik tok the other day that was like “sometimes i forget that my siblings have a life of their own. like i see them as side characters in my life“ and even though i can‘t relate obviously i felt that. lol, like i can really imagine how it feels idk what i‘m talking about like shut the fuck up, daria

(also my actual name is daria not aria but i dont like it, and also i wanted to be more anonymous on tumblr so now i‘m aria lmao. pls don‘t mention it though cause no one knows except for you and mel (peterbenjiparker) dkdkdkdnkdnd. but i‘m starting to identify with the name cause everyone keeps calling me that looool😭😭😭 (but i like the name, more than daria anyway? well it also depends on the accent, cause the way germans say daria is okay. the was Americans say it is also okay, but some of my family in England are from the north of england and i don‘t like how they say my name 💀 no offence to them(?) but yeah pls don‘t mention the name in your ask cause the chance of people seeing it is higher then (or if you want to say something about it just send a separate ask and i just won‘t post it (IDK what you‘d want to say about my name but yeah just in case slsldlldmsndnsns)

I‘m loving falcon and winter soldier so much but when i was watching an episode the week before last week (?) my laptop broke😭😭😭😭 during the scene where the dora milaje came at the end my laptop just shut down? And it had these lines all over the screen and i had to bring it to the shop where i bought it and they said it‘ll take 6-8 weeks to repair 💔💔💔 but at least it‘ll be for free, cause if i brought it back to apple it would cost like 400€ (i think that‘s nearly 500$) so yeah. but it sucks cause now i‘m “going to uni“ on a really old rusty laptop and on my phone which kinda sucks. oh yeah and also i can‘t watch anything on there 😭 i definitely want to watch wandavision but it‘ll have to wait🤧

Yessss you should def get your GED! I googled and I‘m still not entirely sure what it is dldks but from how you described it- YES!!!!!!

Idk if you know this? Like no idea if I‘ve told you this already (hmmm wait i feel like we talked about it actually?) anyway i was originally gonna go study in England, but for loads of reasons I ended up staying in Germany and I‘m def happy with my decision, but I definitely want to go to England sometime even if it‘s just for six months or maybe for my masters or something? And (obviously everyone is different) but i think everyone should go abroad and live in a different country once in their life, no matter if it‘s for school or what, and even if it‘s just for a few weeks. But i think that‘s something that you‘d never ever forget! And combining that with your acting/theatre??? You really would be living the dream 💘💘😌

how about burgers, chips (fries), and a large drink? any time next week works for me, should i pick you up?— sounds good see you soon 🥰🥰🥰

i used to be one of the people who‘d just do motherlode motherlode motherlode and just... what did i do? Why did i do that??? But not anymore lol. Like I said i haven‘t played sims in a few weeks but i‘ve been watching a few legacy challenge let‘s plays and usually i play with the aging off. So my sims just don‘t age 💀 but i could (should) turn aging on so that it stays exciting and i have limited time and everything. and once i get bored with my current sims i can just make them have kids and continue playing as their children when they get older- like recently i remembered that i haven‘t played the acting career in ages? and i haven‘t had a shop in ages? and i think you can even become a vet right??? like those are definitely some things i want to do in the next weeks!!! Also yes sksksjs i have a few hundred hours on sims as well (if not thousands 😭) it was just that one household that i‘d been playing with for 24hrs

AND GIRL SSKSKJD THE UNIVERSITY THING HAPPENED TO ME TOO, it was a while ago so i don‘t remember what degree and what job it was about but i made my sim study something for aaaaaages so she‘d get a better job from the beginning (you know what i mean like get in at a higher level)...... and i apparently studied the wrong thing cause i didn‘t get any benefits from studying and still had to start at level 1 and shit 🥴🥲

Oh also (this was like 2 weeks ago) Enisa and Michael did take in Michael‘s daughter and i think Enisa currently even has a higher/better relationship with the daughter than Michael but um💀💀💀 also i was hoping (since michael and enisa married (in their back yard i think lol) that the daughter (i forget what her name is😭) would have enisa as her step mom? Like you know how you can see the relationship and it says daughter or son or sister.. and i was hoping that it would say step mom but it doesn‘t say anything 🥲 but in my mind (and if the sims had proper family relations) she is her step mom😌 also Leo is a teenager now???? I mean I aged him up lol dkdk he was being too annoying as a toddler but i don‘t like children so i aged him up twice in one day and now he‘s a teen, but that means he can look after his half sister when she becomes a toddler which is good (the game recognises them as siblings tho even if they‘re just half siblings? why can‘t they have step family members in the sims🥲) okay i‘ve annoyed you enough with sims ✋🏼

I‘ve been a bit sick these past few days and now i‘m getting a headache so i have to finish this response tomorrow 😭😭😭 </3

It‘s not tomorrow, it‘s 3 hours later but i‘m better lol

oooff when sims are ungrateful and won‘t woo woo (lol i like that) cause they‘re too tired like?? Be grateful that you‘re not living with your parents anymore 🙄 no okay dkdkdkdl idk if you play with mods (i don‘t) but i know there is a mod (or it‘s part of a mod idk maybe wicked whims?) where you can adjust the percentage of how risky a normal woo woo is, like you still click woo woo (3dksksks okay i‘ll say woohoo again— wait is that what’s it called? 😭) but there‘s like a 25% chance that your sim can still get pregnant just like in real life there‘s always a chance of getting pregnant even if you‘re using protection (just not 25% lmao) but yeah i personally don‘t play with mods sksk and you can always just click try for baby but it would be cool if you could add stuff like risky woohoo to the game without mods (i have no idea how to download mods and i play sims on a really really old laptop and sims is literally tje only thing that works on it anyway so—) i repeat my words from earlier: okay i‘ve annoyed you enough with sims ✋🏼

okay i‘m so sorry i‘m gonna watch fast & furious 1 now cause i need to watch f&f 1-5 until the 30th of april cause they‘re only on netflix til then (i mean i could watch them somewhere else but the quality is never as good) so i will finish this tomorrow after all😭

it is now 1 am, i finished the film, can feel a new obsession coming up again (i always have these f&f obsessions for six months before and after a new film comes out)

THE GOOGLE TRANSLATE wkekdjdj tbh it sounds like someone is speaking with some kind of foreign accent i guess that‘s probably because it just is a direct translation and so anyway slsjsj i don‘t know if you asked me what the word fucking is in german? like idk cause the translation is a bit weird but in case you asked lol sidjsjs theres not really a good translation like we just say fuck for fuck lmao, i don‘t know if you typed in fucking in google translate and it came out as verdammt? cause that means damn (or damned sksjjs) ummm yeah idek if/what you asked so imma move on🤧

I‘m not gonna comment on what you said about every stormzy song cause you already said all the important things but SKSKSJSJSKNSNDBDUDOENWBSLSKKHSULSLSKSBSJSKSK I WAS SMILING SO HARD WHEN I READ YOUR RESPONSE FOR THE FIRST TIME BECAUSE AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH finally i know someone who loves him as much as i do 💘💘💘 also since you brought it up, i‘m pretty sure he‘s considered the most successful UK rapper or if not then at least top 3 so he‘s defffffffffinitely big in the uk, in germany more and more people are listening to uk rap too but not as much stormzy cause theyre dumb apparently 🙄 but anywY i‘m sooooo sooo happy that you like him. i think hith came out end of 2019 (i could be wrong but i think it came out on the 13th of december so (in a european way) you‘d write the date: 13.12 and obviously i don‘t KNOW this but i can definitely imagine that he chose that date because ACAB and yes, Michael. Yes. But he hasn‘t made too much music since then so i hope he‘s working on some new stuff 🤞🏼

Also i ordered the stormzy poster😌 also a nicki minaj one bc i decided i‘m gonna have one wall with red-ish posters (i already have two kinda red ones) and one with blue/green-ish posters (already have two) and i can add stormzy to the blue one and nicki to the red one, but i think that‘s it cause if my walls are tooo full it could look cluttered? I‘m not sure how that type of thing works lmao but my room is generally untidy so i don‘t want the walls to look unorganised too so i think that‘s it for now

I really want to finish this now but my brain is getting kinda slow and i need to sleep soon so this will have to wait till later after all 🥺🥴 (not that it makes and difference to you bc you‘ll see this whenever i post it buttttt i wanted you to know that i want to talk to you again but with my slow brain i‘m just taking too long to do it in one day😭😭😭 and i‘m so busy tomorrow hmm but i‘m sure i‘ll have 30 minutes to finish this then <3)

Okay wait I‘m so dumb I didn‘t realise I‘d nearly answered everything i could have posted this yesterday 😭😭

Oooohh that summer bra sounds so nice like if i was confident enough i literally would just wear a top that resembles a bra (or really is a bra lol) cause my tiddies always be looking amazing i‘m just insecure about my stomach sometimes 🙄🙄🙄 but recently i‘ve been loving myself more and more tbh 😌

also i hope you can go shopping for some nice clothes soon ✨😌

I‘ll be honest I haven‘t listened to your song recs YET but only because i wanna take my time with them and i‘ve been so busy and slso AJ tracey‘s album came out last week and I haven‘t listened to that one yet either so ekdkdj (he‘s also a uk rapper like quite popular and successful as well, but i feel like i‘m not gonna like his album cause whenever i‘m looking forward to an album it ends up being really bad and the albums where you weren‘t expecting it turn out to be bangers.... so yeah but i‘ll let you know when i listen to your songs!!!! :)

Omg i keep having to scroll up all the way to see the next thing you said so sorry if I completely miss some of the things you said😭😭

So when you sent this the bird was still bothering me oh my FUCK DKDLDMMDMDMD but now i‘ve been going to bed at like 1-2am so the bird is probably still asleep lool

Okay and for the rest of your ask my response is: 💘💖❣️💚❣️💛❣️💛💕💞❤️💓💟💞💕💕💖💘💝💟💟🧡❤️🧡💞💛💚💓💚💚💚❣️🧡💖💘🧡💝🧡💕💘🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥺🥺🥺🥰🥺🥺💘💘💘💘💘 (okay that looked cuter in my head i don‘t really like the green hearts dldkkdksndnd)

#lovely anon #<3333333333333 #‚‘it‘s literally longer than your german compound words‘ LMAODKDMSLDKSLKS #ignore the comma at the beginning of the last tag????#aww wait i just read what you said at the end of your tags🥺🥺💘💘💘#love youuuu #ooooof i‘m reading my response and do i not know what a period is? like period as in. full stop.#my sentences are literally paragraphs and i use keyboard smashes to separate sentences from each other like what‘s wrong with me???#or ‚lol‘ snd ‚lmao‘#imma need me to do better (did you listen to heavy is the head as a whole? like the whole album? the song do better is stuck in my head toda #today so)#i‘ll try to write normal length sentenced in the future💀#sentencessss*

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simply-breeee · 3 years ago

Text

November 24th - 10:49am

Good Morning my loves! Ive woken up in a better mood and boy am I glad of that. Ive decided that I am now finished asking people for their side of situations or even their view points.

- okay so listen to this: I be wanting to have them deep conversations to clear the air with people when I pick up something off right? Well what ive noticed if every time I do that, this is usually with a dude, they say that they dont care or its not that big/important. So if thats the response im going to get then ill just stop trying to work things out and just write about it .

This page is technically public so they can find their post and decided if my version of their side is good enough. If that makes sense...

Here's the first situation (including B2, SM, and YT Man)

So yall know that me and B2 are on good terms and planning for me to come visit this January. Okay so that rest of that trip: Me and SM are going to meet up with B2 and YT Man in Texas. We are getting an air bnb and just have good old fashion fun. Well originally it was going to be me, SM, B2, and one of SM's friends. The friend ended up in a little finder-binder and cant come anymore, so steps in YT Man. I would just like to say, I told B2 that we should introduce them and it was my idea that they even chat. I thought it up before I told B2 and let him do what he does. Well now SM and Yt Man are getting together nicely. Every time its a group chat, ft, or really anything including me, he seems like he has to be the loudest voice in the chat. Often with group ft ill just leave or stay really quiet, but that makes YT Man call for me specifically and then try to roast. My while thing is after a while, when someone isn't replying to your roots it just becomes bullying. I aint no bitch so it dont be hurting my feelings or nun - hell half the time I be zoning out and not really paying attention to what he is saying- but like its getting tired.

Of course me and SM have spoken about this and she also sees that he directs his attention (negatively) towards me. Ive brought this up to B2 and he says that YT Man is just joking and that I should take it personally (not in those words) but I keep trynna tell him his YT Man does not like me. Me and SM think he may feel threatened by me since im someone important to B2 and he may think I plan to take his friend. N-word do you not realize you are talking to my best friend ... Like literally we both are in the same boat, but you dont see me hating him. If anything he should be happy that someone likes his friend (fuck it loves him 🙄) and cares about him as much as I do.

Okay but back to the story:

Yesterday I got soooo much bad news really early in the day, so ofc I was upset. As old as I am, I know myself more than anyone could ever say they do and with knowing myself I know my limits. I was very upset like hysterical so I decided to give myself the space I needed in order to get myself together. I, poorly, texted B2 'im upset and don't plan to talk to anyone today so please don't take it personally' and put my phone on dnd. *sidenote MacBooks are not a team player* I get on my MacBook afterwards to try to be productive through my emotions. B2 ft me as soon as I open the damn MacBook so it rings 🤦🏽‍♀️. So I decline it. I said I didn't want to talk to anyone and I meant that. I close my screen from there and take a nap. When I wake up I get some water and get back in the bed because I still feel so sad. After an hour long call with SM ranting and releasing everything that I was holding on to I felt more up to talking.

*The reason I was more willing to talk to SM is because she's with me all the time, she knows me well and would understand my emotions if I was to go off on her from the situation. With B2 its not that he won't get it, its just he won't get it the same way she would.*

I kept my phone off and went about the rest of my day, which included having to braid my mother and brothers hair. So as im braiding my brothers hair, I get a ft call from YT Man. Im confused as to why he is calling but ik I didn't wanna ft. I decide and call him regular asking him if its an emergency. He's like its urgent, just answer the ft is urgent its urgent 🙃. He's a fucking liar and a bitch and ill stand on that. I answer the ft thinking its an emergency with B2. nope he just wanted to make me seem like a bitch - he was in the car with B2 and gone say 'wooow Bre you van answer my ft but not B2's' . First of all bitch you made it seem like it was an emergency so ofc I answered tf and second of all I didn't plan to answer thats why I declined it the first time 😐. Right after that he hung up. He is a bitch and no one can convince me otherwise.

When I brought this up to B2 he talmbout 'he just trynna be a good friend and see what's going on and if I did something wrong and thats why you're mad'. Ion believe thats shit. He wanted to make me seem like a shitty person because of it was really that he would've texted me to just asked me when I called him regular. But yaw B2 wants his best friend to be perfect so he dont wanna accept this.

I really dont know how to feel because its just like are you serious. Ive been nothing but nice to you. I literally changed around MY WHOLE TRIP so that he could participate. Literally we are going a week earlier on MY BIRTHDAY just for him and he hates me. Hell ion even wanna go anymore because I dont feel like having to deal with this shit on every group outing. I already told SM I will cuss him all the way our and even get physical if need be because im not finna keep getting disrespected.

1:46pm - I texted YT Man and said 'You're a bitch! that all'

I was planning to wait till the trip to say anything but you know what we gone clear this air right now on my terms. The fuck you think you doing trynna get in the way of my happiness. Learn your place and stay in it because im the right one.

Im tired and dont really feel like finishing this room, but thats not an option so lemme finish putting everything together.

Luv yall keep ya posted 🤗

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pokefanbri · 4 years ago

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1st I have to say this b4 I repeat the post from fb. This is a place where I can speak my mind freely without judgement, speak my peace even. Which is exactly what im gonna do so prepare for a read. So think what u want idc, but the last thing I wanna do is tick some1 I know off cause on some level there's a mutual appreciation & respect regardless of my impression. And anyone that reads this isn't obligated to understand my opinion & I dont expect u to. With my brain its my thought process to let information out of my head so I can put things aside, observe & absorb more lol. Writing is another tool or coping mechanism for my anxieties & other psych ailments, treatment for my mental health depends on it & other hobbies in other words, especially during shutdown, something to focus on. Heck even youtube is recommended by my doctor if it keeps me happy lol. But because ill be working again, I may not have time to do alot of things I like sadly..idk i just wouldnt want to be burnt out & focus on more important things. I have a high respect for anyone working around people during this time & it must worrisome for u too, means I have to keep on my toes as well soon..its a scary world out there for an introvert but I was killin it in NY too. It was just a slow steady process with all the limitations & moving my life up there wasn't easy to begin with but I pulled through & did it all...only for it to be taken away.

So, I'm an Irish, German, Canadian,British Mut from tucson. Maternal & paternal immidiate families lineage mixed made me, including my NY blood from my bio dad. The rest is all over Europe but u get the idea. Tucson may be where i was born & my 1st home without a father & raised not knowing (were mardi gras babies btw 😒)

But NY is & will forever be my 2nd home i dont care what any1 says, I felt I belonged there. Its the other half of me quite literally.Theres a memory that's really been bugging me. Last day b4 i left it, a bald eagle flew across my path in the sky no joke going NE & I was departing back to the SW. I chose the eagle years ago cause I identify with it. including the background symbolism in different phases of my life that included them lol, but to actually see one was just amazing.

They symbolize strength+freedom in general despite it standing for the country from sea to shining sea lol. Also Braviary was always in my pokemon team besides pikachu since its gen came out lol. I've always been strong, whether some believe it to be true or not is their problem, only I know the things I've gone through. Point is different ends of the spectrum its always been with me throughout in some way & im glad i got to share it with someone that gave me the freedom I needed.

But yea I experienced what its like to be there & got to know that part of me even if I didn't find him & maybe didnt care...I feel I was meant to be there. I was in touch with my roots, lower Temps & above sea level rather than high temps & below sea level 🤣 I loved everything about my time up there. It'll always be a part of me, & I hope to see it again. But I digress.

But in regards to the relationship itself, emphasizing on what i said b4. Just as it i got "settled" in it was gone & I had no clue what was happening without my knowledge, the whole plan to bring me back, all of it, the whole chain of events that unfolded the way it did starting with leaving a marriage in the 1st place to be with him i mean come on lol. Chasing a dream that didn't play out the way we had hoped. I took leap of faith & I ended up starting over twice in 1 year with no benefit of the doubt. I still have my ny health insurance for the rest of the yr, I have to add it to my list to apply again in az. Ive been wearing the wrong prescription glasses for 6 months under quarantine & they're just now getting to stage 4 of opening lol. Just understand how frustrating that actually is for someone like me & u totally get it 😅 U want to take care of business but sometimes you're limited & gotta work around it. had all that covered there & then was told I settled, wrong thing to say & its no wonder I didn't blow up in his face right there & then 😒. But I have retraint & can control myself. Though it was out of my hands the new relationship didn't have to go sour, been just as long if not more, could've actually thrived given the proper balance with room to grow. Idk, Sometimes I honestly don't think anyone believed in me. I mean I have no debt, no record, no kids, im a clean slate type of girl lol. Yes I did end up feeling unappreciated, underestimated, a bit neglected, insecure about my body, ashamed for being myself, & I shouldn't have to feel that way at all & if that happens there obviously something off. I just didnt know what it is he wanted & needed, i wanted to help & be a good partner to this dude but why is it bad to ask the same in return? I shouldn't have to drastically change myself to fit someones standard i know, but...i needed the old him back, I missed the old us & wanted to get back to that.. Was always so closed off & probably ended up in his own head who knows, maybe there was guilt for some of the things he did & didnt want to hurt me anymore, spare my feelings any more than it did b4 it was too late.idk whatever the excuse i still don't know what triggered it all to fail so easily & i don't think i ever will. But ending up with the conclusion that I was the problem, its narcissistic to even believe that & i won't accept it. Not when he can't confront his own issuse & put blame onto himself too.. it was a low blow & literally felt like my heart was pierced at the sound of it. If im to blame its the other way around as well. My point of view wasn't acknowledged so this is my take & experiences of happened so plz dont hate me for speaking my truth.

But yea I can tell when somethings not right & feel strong empathy for others emotions. I knew something was different, there were signs everywhere since the mistrust started & during the last half of that time with him I questioned everything but sat in my own headspace as well as he did just thinking about it. If anything we failed eachother, the blame is on us both but idk what else i could've done to get through to him. That's the stubbornness, he wouldn't budge. Despite how things went down..Leaves me to think, what was the point of having me there in the 1st place, to not follow through with our shared hopes & dreams but instead spiral into such resentment for me that the interest faded. But at the at the same time...even if it ended early for him, I didn't give up & I fought to keep us okay which it was for the most part. Hindsight is 20/20, it definitely wasn't negative all the time. In fact things were great between us & acted like goofballs together, that right there is a friend despite if the stronger feelings weren't mutual. Nobody with hate in their heart acts like that, he was good, the best, cheered me up when I was down, shared interests & did things for eachother. But that alone makes me question what was truth & what was fiction sometimes ever since the trust between us started to fade. Am I in the right to feel what im feeling right now? Im angry & upset yes very, but the kindness he had throughout..he did care in his own way...which makes things so much harder.

Tripadoodle if some way you're listening, I hope u know now where im coming from. For your own benefit & quest to be a better man like you always wanted...actually try. Head my advice. Making yourself better shouldn't be put on a womans shoulders to do for u without her getting lifted in return...its alot of weight to handle for 1 person to carry lol. Get off your ass & build on yourself, learn from everything that happened & become better for yourself & the sake of others, Because it starts with u. Go to church if possible or watch them, it really does help. Even from across the country I still want u to do just as good & help u as a friend. You promised we could remain friends & im holding my end of the bargain whether u like it or not lol it was your idea during the ride here. All I wanted in the end was to not lose u in my life completely...but i should be patient i know.. Theres more space, im not contacting u directly & respecting that, eventually ill stfu lol but I feel I need this rn. I should hate u,but I cant hate u, I do still care, u had that affect on me so much that I can't really listen to others when they say ur a douchbag lol, u were still my rock the whole time even if u didn't feel the same after a while & u did help me alot as well. I see the good in people & u are good, with well balanced snarkiness & humorous sass to boot. light a fire under ur own ass & ull be okay lol. Never stopped believing in u. Ive seen what you can do, you're very smart & know your sh*t, u will go far lol. And as a friend I'd lend u my strength if I could but the most I can do is pray for things like safety/protection, healing, forgiveness, guidance, etc. Leave it to God if u feel compelled to. Give zanabell a hug for me.

God i talk way too much 😅 No im not doing any of this for attention, I want my voice to be heard as well as a possible learning experience if it had that effect on anyone. The things we learn build character & help us understand a little more about ourselves. Probably shouldn't share cuz its nobody's business, yea ive thought of that too.. But its a blog lol, Tumblr allowed it to be that space, opinions and rants are allowed & encouraged. Nothing wrong with that 🤷‍♀️ so who gives a crap.

These are pictures of the NY sunrise & AZ sunset. Clouds always get me cuz of the shapes, used to to take pics of them all the time. once saw mario holding a hammer when I was a kid 😂 3rd & 4th pic is a split rainbow, never seen that b4...either someone found the gold or its deciding whether or not to connect. Probably was connected but I missed it lol. But then I looked behind me after the split 1 disappeared & a double rainbow was forming. Nature can be scary but also beautiful

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