#i won't let you go | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thebiggerbear · 3 months

Text

i won't let you go

Summary: When Jen breaks CJ's heart, though you hadn't planned on it, her loss quickly becomes your gain and so much more.

Pairing: CJ Braxton x Female!Reader

A/N: Did a free writing session recently and this happened. Not sure why but anytime I get to spend with this cute boy, I'm taking it. The Lovelines episode always bothered me. I completely understood why Jen did what she did but that whole episode was just brutal and then her apology/explanation in the end was very Jen, yes, but also kind of dismissive imho on just how heartbreaking it was and how horrifically she had treated him in that auditorium to try to avoid having to explain. I get it, CJ wasn't a main character, Jen was, but damn. So I guess this is kind of my response to that.

All unbeta'd.

Songs listened to while writing: More Than Words - Extreme; Style - Taylor Swift

Warnings: angst; implied sex; smut-lite; a smidgen of fluff

Word Count: 4300

Taglist: @avada-kedavra-bitch-187; @rieleatiel

CJ Braxton Taglist: @deans-spinster-witch; @birdiellie; @heartlessdelusions; @illicithallways; @nancymcl; @muhahaha303; @solacedthistest; @deansimpala; @foxyjwls007; @onlyangel-444

Jensen Taglist: @samanddeaninatrenchcoat; @deansbbyx

When Jen publicly rebuffed him again, CJ’s jaw dropped and his eyes caught yours. You didn’t know what to do, what to think. And you could see he was feeling the same along with some humiliation and hurt. He quickly glanced away and moved off to the side, waiting to bring the mic to someone who might interrupt whatever this circus was with a question. Your heart went out to him.

Why was Jen doing this? First, she had dropped him unceremoniously earlier, without any semblance of a warning or even an explanation. Then he had tried to talk to her before the show and she had avoided him, still not giving any sort of reason for why she called things off so suddenly. This couldn’t possibly be stress alone from hosting this event. If that was the case, how would she handle finals this year? Or when she and CJ argued? Or any other stressful event that might occur in her life?

CJ was at a loss and now he had tried to publicly corner her (possibly not the best strategy to be fair but you knew he was desperate) and she had brutally shut him down. It was humiliating, tough to watch, and beyond dismissive. So yeah, your heart broke for him.

The truth was, you had feelings for your friend and had for some time now. But when the two of you met at one of the frat parties on campus in the beginning of the year, CJ made it very clear to you and anyone who would listen, that he was not dating nor was he interested in hooking up with anyone. That had disappointed you more than you would ever be willing to admit, but you respected the very personal decision, one he had made before he ever met you.

Then Jen appeared out of nowhere and he still hadn’t been interested despite the obvious liking she had taken to him. You couldn’t blame her since you were stuck in your own unrequited crush. Then her friend, Audrey, had happened and suddenly, CJ was ready to date again. He liked the chaotic blonde and wanted to pursue things, only to find out she had a boyfriend she didn’t tell him about and oh, by the way, she wasn’t interested in knowing anything more about him than she already did. Humbled from the experience as well as the fight he got into with said boyfriend, CJ stayed to himself and kept his head down afterwards. Then he started training Jen at The Stand and before anyone knew it, they were a couple. Something you found out from him the day after he had kissed her. It was like a sucker punch to the gut. His night with Audrey and his feelings after it had hurt enough. Now he was dating Jen Lindley? The girl he had turned down the first time he tried to kiss her the same night he hooked up with Audrey? It broke your heart, but you put a smile on your face and told him how happy you were for him. You were a supportive friend, right? So you did what you had to do, noticing the happy grin on his face in response to your congratulations, right before you made your excuses and left.

And now, here you were, watching as he got his heart broken by the very girl that had somehow gotten him to consider serious dating (and drinking though you didn’t think that was a great idea) again. No, she wasn’t just breaking it; she was full on stomping on it, ripping it into pieces, and setting fire to it — all in front of a voracious audience. You were pretty sure the Colosseum in Rome had stopped being used over a thousand years ago, but people were still the same animal. The devastation you could see playing out in CJ’s expression when he looked over at you more than confirmed just how torn up he was inside, how embarrassed and hurt he really was.

You saw him watching the scene on stage with rapt attention but then you panicked when you noticed him suddenly lifting the mic and getting ready to speak again once he was able to get a word in edgewise. Your body reacted before your mind could even make the decision. You jumped to your feet, quickly excused your way out of the row you were in, and hurried over to him. You pushed his arm down before he could utter a single word. He turned wide eyes on you and you shook your head, taking the mic from him and shutting it off. Thankfully, the crowd and everyone on stage were more invested in Joey and Eddie’s unfolding drama. “CJ, please don’t,” you begged.

“She’s got to tell me why.”

“I know.” You laid a reassuring hand on his upper arm. “But not right now. Later, when you two can talk privately.”

“But she won’t talk to me.”

“She will,” you assured him, though you had no way of knowing if that was true. “Just give her some time. And preferably not have that conversation in front of half the school,” you attempted to joke to take the sting out of the situation and soften your advice.

CJ glanced around before his eyes came to a stop on the stage again and he noticed Jen wasn’t even looking in his direction. His face fell and you moved your hand to his, taking it.

“Let’s get out of here,” you impulsively suggested. Anything to get that look of pain off of his face.

“I can’t. I’m supposed to stay until it’s over.”

You scanned the vicinity and found a young girl, possibly a freshman, standing a few feet away, watching the drama with everyone else. You tightened your grip on CJ’s hand and marched over to her. “Hey, do you think you could take over?” You asked. “It’s real simple. Anyone raises their hand, you just bring over the mic so they can ask their question.”

“Uh, s-sure.” She actually seemed unsure but you didn’t care; your priority was your friend. You turned the mic back on and handed it to her before turning and getting CJ out of there, making sure he didn’t look back.

You checked your reflection in the mirror one last time before giving yourself a nod of approval and exiting the bathroom. You found CJ still in bed, sitting up against the headboard and channel surfing. His eyes suddenly snapped to you and a slow smile spread across his face. He gave you an appreciative whistle which made you roll your eyes as you pulled back the covers and got into bed next to him. “Stop that,” you playfully chided.

He immediately turned the TV off and tossed the remote somewhere, making you laugh. He dug his teeth into his bottom lip as he lifted the blanket and sheets to move closer to you and his gaze roamed over the silk negligee you were wearing. “You didn’t have to get all dressed up for me but wow, you are beautiful.”

“Uh huh,” you teased. “I know you just want to take this off as soon as possible.”

“True,” he admitted, kissing your bare shoulder. “But I also want to take my time taking it off.” He then placed a kiss on your jawline.

“Well, you’ve got all weekend. Though we should probably include sustenance and a shower or two in there somewhere.” He snickered as he kissed your cheek. You really did have all weekend. You had booked the room for the next two days, not having to check out until Monday morning when you would need to make the drive back up to Boston.

After the whole Loveline fundraiser fiasco, you had taken CJ to get some much needed coffee and let him vent out his frustration and his hurt over the pain Jen was causing him.

“It just doesn’t make any sense. We were fine up until today. I don’t get what I did wrong.”

You had covered his hand with yours and brushed your thumb over his skin in reassuring strokes. “I’m sure you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I was completely up front with her. About everything.” He licked his lips, lost in thought, before shame washed over his expression. “Maybe she’s still mad about the Audrey thing. Though I feel like she would have said something by now if that were the case. She seemed like she got past it. Or maybe it’s my past that’s the problem. I did tell her I bought some champagne for later tonight. Maybe she heard that and thought she was better off...” He gave a half-hearted shrug and stared down into his coffee. “This is exactly why I don’t do the dating thing,” he mumbled, his expression now even more troubled as he tiredly rubbed at his forehead. You knew he must be thinking back to the catalyst of him making that choice alongside the decision to immediately quit drinking.

“I’m sure it has nothing to do with that or your past,” you murmured. “Like you said, she already knew about everything before you two started dating. I’m sure it’s not that.”

His eyes met yours then. “How do you know? You barely know her, Y/N. How would you know what she’s thinking? I don’t even know what she’s thinking and she’s my girlfriend. Or was until this afternoon, anyway.”

You winced and glanced away, choosing to focus on the group of friends laughing loudly in the corner of the coffee shop you were seated in. You slowly pulled your hand away, grateful and disappointed at the same time that he didn’t seem to really care or notice. You wanted to be a good friend to him, you really did, but that hurt a little. You knew he was hurting as well and he wasn’t really mad at you. But you needed a second to gain your bearings. It wasn’t easy hearing the guy you had feelings for pine over someone else, someone who seemed intent on tossing him to the side for some odd reason and pushing him away.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I didn’t mean that. I’m just…”

You turned to find him dropping his head into his arms on the table. He bumped his head against them a few times before sitting back up. “I just don’t understand why this happened. I thought what she and I had was good, solid. That we had gotten to a really good point. Guess I was wrong.”

You pressed your lips together, hating yourself for what you were about to do but knowing it was the right thing. “If this were me or someone calling into The Stand right now, what would you tell them?”

He glanced over at you, his brows furrowing as he thought it over. “To talk to them, find out what was really going on.” You gave him a look. “But I tried that. Twice.”

You tightened your grip on your coffee mug. “Once in a very public setting. Once before a big event that she was stressing about hosting. And didn’t you tell me that this is her first sort of real relationship in a long time or something like that?” You could see the realization dawning on his cute face while you worked to keep the sadness off of yours. “So maybe something happened, something that you have no idea about or something that doesn’t have anything to do with you. You said it yourself, you two were doing well, becoming solid. She wanted the same thing you wanted. Feelings don’t just change overnight.” You dropped your gaze to your coffee. “Trust me,” you finished quietly, hoping you managed to keep the bitterness from your tone.

“Y/N.”

You looked up to find him watching you intently, concerned. Here he was, spiraling due to what happened to him and going through his own pain, but now he had immediately switched gears and was studying you with complete empathy for whatever you might be going through. It was just one of the many things you loved about him. Loved. That word had your eyes widening and you immediately straightened up and got to your feet.

CJ’s brows furrowed, his concern increasing. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, of course. I just remembered I have this thing I need to… Yeah.” You slipped your jacket on and didn’t meet his eyes. “Look, talk to Jen. Not tonight, though. Sleep on it and then try again tomorrow. She might be more receptive to talking then. Okay?” You slipped two buttons into their corresponding holes and left the rest, anxious to get out of there. “I’ll be back at my dorm later. Call if you need anything.”

“Y/N, hold up a second. I just want to make sure you’re—”

“Gotta run,” you cut him off, stopping to kiss the top of his head…something you had never done before and you weren’t even sure why you were doing it now. Oh God, you had to get out of there. “Um, bye,” you called and hurried out of the shop.

You didn’t make it far though before you were whipped around, coming face to face with a very confused yet pensive looking CJ. His eyes roamed over your face and he seemed to be considering something. You were about to ask him what he needed when realization suddenly dawned on his features followed by something that appeared to be determination. He gently cupped your cheeks and leaned in, brushing his lips against yours.

You felt the kiss everywhere, like a shock of electricity that traveled through your body to light up every single inch of you from the top of your head to your fingertips and then right down to your toes. You were surprised you hadn’t collapsed to the ground; your knees literally felt weak. The flip feeling in your stomach that you usually got when he was near, when he laid an arm across your shoulders when you two would talk and laugh over whatever horror movie he had you watching next, it was back in full force. Your heart skipped a beat and giddiness had your lips forming into the beginning of a smile against his. You never wanted this to end.

But it did. CJ broke away and pulled back, staring into your eyes.

“Whoa,” you breathed, not even really meaning to say anything. You weren’t even sure how you were forming words at this point. Because if you had been able to think right then, that certainly wouldn’t have been your first choice of things to say in reaction to what just happened.

“Yeah,” he whispered, sounding just as awestruck as you did.

“What do we do?” Why was your brain not cooperating and stopping any words that wanted to tumble out?

He grasped your chin between his thumb and forefinger, his eyes flicking back and forth between your mouth and you, before he leaned in again.

This time, you placed a hand on his chest, effectively stopping his progress. “I’m not going to be a rebound or something to pass the time with. You’re not going to use me to make Jen jealous or to make yourself feel better until you get over her.” It was official; your brain and mouth were in cahoots to betray you and completely embarrass you while they were at it. He had only kissed you once for crying out loud.

CJ nodded, staring into your eyes and his lips ghosting over yours, still frozen in the place you had stopped him. “Got it,” he murmured.

Your brain switched off then and you threaded your fingers in his hair before you lifted up on your toes and bridged the gap, kissing him as deeply as you dared. His arms encircled your waist and pulled you closer against his body, causing you to let out a tiny squeak against his mouth. A chuckle rumbled in his chest before he slotted his lips against yours more insistently, one of his hands also sneaking up into your hair and coming to rest behind your neck as he gently pushed you to meet him more fervently.

You? You had died and gone to heaven. CJ, your longtime crush, the friend you had feelings for, was kissing you and that was all you needed to know right then. Everything else fell away and ceased to matter in the face of that fact.

You had stayed true to your word; you didn’t allow yourself to become a rebound despite what followed that night. CJ had eventually talked to Jen and found out why she had broken up with him in the manner she had. Her grandmother had cancer, something she had found out the previous night, and she had a “freakout”. That was what CJ had called it when he told you. Jen had felt overwhelmed and scared and unable to handle anything that wasn’t related to her Grams. So she’d purposely pushed CJ away, something she now deeply regretted and apologized for. He more than understood why she did what she did and truthfully, so did you.

You had bitten your lip to keep the tears at bay that you could feel trying to form. While you felt compassion for Jen and her grandmother, not even being able to imagine what they must be going through, you could feel your heart breaking even further in your chest. That night had been rough for him but it turned out to be an absolute magical one for you in the end. You should have known it would be short-lived. You knew he still had feelings for Jen, cared about her, they had dated for months — that wasn’t something that just switched off because of whatever had popped up between the two of you in the last few days.

CJ had covered your hand with his and squeezed, urging you to meet his eyes. When you did, he reached over and tenderly placed a strand of wayward hair behind your ear, giving you some semblance of a reassuring smile. “I told her I’d be there for her, whatever she needed. As a friend.”

Your brows furrowed in confusion. “But I thought…”

“You thought wrong,” he teased in a murmur before kissing you.

CJ had taken what you’d said to him seriously and though you two didn’t seem able to keep your hands off of each other, he let some time pass before he officially asked you out on a date.

“Aren’t we doing this a little backwards?” You’d laughed, gasping into his mouth as his hand on the small of your back pushed your hips to meet his more fully. You had met in between classes at his dorm and he’d managed to convince you to be a little late to your next one, though he was completely in favor of you skipping it altogether.

“Not yet. That’s next,” he panted, giving you a suggestive smirk. You couldn’t help but roll your eyes at his ridiculously bad (yet endearing) joke. He repeated the action from before and your teeth dug into your lip as your grip on his hair tightened. “I really want to do this right.”

“Mmm, you’re more than doing it right,” you moaned, closing your eyes and arching your neck when he pushed you down onto him a third time, making you feel everything.

“Look at me,” he urged you breathlessly. You forced your eyes open, immediately settling on his and seeing the earnestness there. “I want to make this official, if it’s also what you want.” You could see a little worry in his green gaze, a little wariness, as if he was waiting for you to drop the bomb that he wasn’t what you wanted after all. That now would be when you chose to turn and run in the other direction. Silly boy.

“After all of this time, these past few months of us sleeping together and spending time together, you still don’t know?”

You saw the worry grow and you felt him tensing underneath you, almost as if bracing for impact, literally. You silently resolved then that you would do everything you could to take away that whisper of fear and doubt of his own self-worth that you saw still existed, after Jen, after his past. You gave him a reassuring smile and placed your forehead onto his. “I love you, you silly boy,” you whispered.

You watched as shock played out on his face before his eyes softened slightly and a hint of a shy smile formed on his lips. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” you confirmed, tenderly kissing his nose.

His smile grew. “What a strange coincidence because I was just thinking I kind of love you, too.”

You pulled back, arching a brow. “Kind of? Oh, I get it, it’s because we haven’t gotten to the backwards part yet, right? Should’ve known,” you teased.

“Shut up,” he laughed, reaching up to frame your face with his hands and kissing you. “I do, okay? I love you, too.”

You beamed down at him. “Okay.”

He was the one arching a brow this time. “Okay?”

“Okay, I’ll go out on that date with you.”

“One I love you is all it took to get you to say yes?”

You shrugged.

“Wow, we really are doing this backwards,” he chuckled.

“Told you.” You shot him a cocky grin.

“And I believe I told you.” He mirrored your smirk and lifted you off of him, carefully tossing you back onto the bed. You broke into a fit of giggles as you bounced and he chuckled once more as his body covered yours, cutting off your laughter by kissing you deeply. It wasn’t too long after that that he kept his word, on both counts.

Things were going well and you were both happy to have moved your friendship that had turned into something more into something great. CJ transferring to New York to continue his education had been difficult but it was a plan you had known about long before he ever kissed you that first time.

While you would miss him and secretly worry that this might be the kiss of death in your relationship (everyone knew long distance relationships didn’t have the best track record), you were determined to support him and meet him halfway in this, sometimes literally. There had been a few romantic weekends spent in Connecticut and of course, he came to Boston to visit when he could and you traveled to Manhattan when you could. You made it work, as much as any couple was able to. It helped that you were on the same coast and within driving distance of each other.

So here you were, on one such visit to the boy you loved with all of your heart. You cupped his cheek and brought him in for a kiss. “Hi,” you whispered.

“Hi,” he murmured against your lips, a dopey smile settling onto his cute face. “I’ve missed you.”

“Are you sure about that? You haven’t been seeing any girls from New York on the side, have you?” You couldn’t resist teasing him once more.

“No.” He pecked your lips. “They’ve got nothing on Boston girls.”

“Damn straight,” you muttered as he kissed you again.

“Especially one girl from Boston in particular.”

“And who might that be?” You smiled when he placed a kiss to the corner of your mouth.

“Just some girl.” He gently urged you down onto your back and hovered over you, grinning. “You probably don’t know her.” You playfully swatted at his bare chest and he snickered, lowering down to brush his lips against your jawline. “You’re not dating any guys from Boston, are you?”

You gave it right back to him. “Nope, just one. You probably don’t know him, though. He’s incredibly good looking, smart, funny, very caring and empathetic, a real firecracker in the sack, brave…oh, and did I mention he’s super good looking?” You gave him a half-hearted shrug. “Eh, you probably don’t know him.”

He glared down at you playfully as you laughed and he pulled you closer, yanking you roughly underneath him and eliciting a tiny squeal from you. He lowered himself down, resting on his arms to keep from crushing you with his weight, and your legs automatically parted for him, coming up to cradle his hips. “A real firecracker in the sack, huh?”

“Mmm.” You dug your teeth into your bottom lip, smiling as you looked up at him. “Yeah,” you whispered.

His grin softened slightly and his hands tenderly brushed your hair out of your eyes. “I really have missed you,” he murmured. You could see he had; it was all right there in his gaze, in his expression. This long distance thing wasn’t easy for either of you, by any means, but he was more than worth it. He always had been and you made sure to let him know that in every way possible.

You reached up and affectionately ran your fingers through his hair. “I really missed you, too.”

CJ’s smile overtook his face and he leaned down, pressing his lips to yours. You drank of him deeply as you both began to make up for lost time, this boy who held your heart in the palm of his hand and had it pretty much from the moment you met. The same boy whose own heart had been entrusted to you, warily being handed to you in its cracked and fragile state which you then held together with your fingers until those fractures healed as best they could. You loved him and he loved you; you couldn’t ask for anything more.

Please let me know if you would like to be tagged for this character.