#i won't go into too much specifics bc obviously it just came out

[glimmeringtwilight]

Okay the new trailblaze quest has been VERY juicy with the sunday lore I'm so excited

[olderthannetfic]

TL;DR: multiple people can arrive at the same fanfic idea/premise in different ways, but also, getting inspired by a different fanfic is not stealing, please don't gatekeep!

I joined a new fandom (it's Resident Evil (RE), which I'm mostly mentioning for that one 'nosy' anon because hell yeah I am super nosy as well, so here you go, dropping some names!), and I quickly stumbled upon one fandom-specific plot trope that I thought was both pretty neat but also super obvious (Infected!Character fic, which, in a world with zombies and viruses that cause zombies is a very logical trope).

Anyway, there was not quite as much body horror as I thought there would be, although I'm still looking, but that's not why I'm writing to you, that's just the (un)necessary background.

There was this one fic that I opened, which in its Author's Note clearly stated that the author set this fanfiction in another author's AU, because they loved the world created by this first author. The first fanfiction author basically came up with their own Infected!Character design and backstory (including fanart), and the second fanfiction author liked it so much they were now writing this fic based on/in that AU. Obviously not quoting the AN directly, but this second author was very complimentary and explicitly mentioned where they got the idea from, gushing about the first author.

In the AN for chapter two, the second author stated that they weren't aware that that first fanfiction author didn't allow others to write about the Infected!Character AU they'd made, that that first author in fact only allowed a very limited number of people they publicly approved of to write about their AU, and nobody else was allowed to touch the Infected!Character AU. This second author was now apologising in the AN for not knowing this, plus mentioning that they changed chapter one to switch up the backstory & design to not be too close to that of the first fanficton author's AU.

That made me sad, honestly. I've seen this attitude a couple of times, where fanfiction authors are super protective of their ideas that they won't allow any other fanfiction author to write about them, and it's always struck me as a little bit hypocritical, given the whole deal of fanfiction. Especially when the original/first fanfiction author is credited and the inspired work is clearly done because the second author loved the first fanfiction so much. If it's a highly developed/specific and original AU (so not just any common trope), and you don't even mention the fanfic you were inspired by, then I find that rude, but just flat out not allowing people to even touch 'your' thing? C'mon!

This partially ties into my other gripe about a specific type of comments I occasionally get, which are along the lines of 'huh interesting idea where did you get it? bc/btw there is this other fic with the same idea (posted before you)'; idk if I got the tone right, but they never seem to be actually genuinely asking how I got the idea (and I always delight in telling them, not sarcastically, I genuinely love talking about this stuff, bc I get inspired by the most random things and I love love writing 'original'/new things!! I love tropes as much as anybody, I read a shitton of them, but i when I write I love coming up with new shit/plot! it's so fun!!). They just vanish after my explanation, even when I try to invite further conversation. It always feels to me like they're 'checking' that I didn't steal the idea, and it feels a bit lousy.

I mean in (larger) fandoms, it is not surprising at all that two or three or even more people arrive at the same idea, maybe even inspired by the same thing, same reading of canon, or not, varied experiences--and just because the works are similar doesn't mean that they were inspired by one another, but if they are, that's not a sin! I just want people to not take everything in bad faith, and also, to not 'disallow' others from getting inspired, especially when they do it in a very polite manner!

It's because of comments like these that I sometimes, very privately, worry that before I'll manage to post the long fic I spent months writing--because I'm one of those who wants the thing finished before I start posting--somebody else will have a similar idea, post their thing first, and then I'll look like I'm lying about not reading/stealing their idea, or just jumping on the bandwagon, which again, it's not a bad thing, actually.

And it shouldn't be like that! I shouldn't worry, and people should also be more willing to accept that authors can arrive at the same idea at (roughly) the same time & accept that explanation without side-eyeing the author, and that if an author is inspired by a different fanfic, that's not a sin either (in fact, for me it would be an honour).

None of this is new either, but that RE stuff reminded me of it again.

Oh man, this is way longer than I thought it would be. Apologies. I'm going to add a TLDR at the start.

Anyway, I'm going to finish writing an Infected!Catboy!Leon fic now and be very unsurprised if I find out that somebody else has had the same idea long before me (aside from one or two reader fic inserts with that topic that I stumbled upon on tumblr, bc that's just not my thing at all (reader insert, I mean)).

--

In college, friends of mine had a falling out over one of them "stealing" the other's fic idea.

Space pirates.

Not specific space pirates. Not a way of integrating the concept that was fandom-specific. No, just the general idea of space pirates in the same fandom.

Never have I facepalmed so hard.

[xf-cases-solved]

i'm aware that ACNH hasn't been relevant since the plague, so i'm not really sure why this headcanon even came to me in the first place--mb it was gifted to me by god like a prophecy or some shit idk--but i came to the sudden and unrelenting realization the other day that, if given the opportunity, scully would get WAY too into animal crossing

[this ended up being a ridiculously long stream of consciousness headcanon ramble, so i'm putting it under a read more bc it is silly and self-indulgent, but i had to write it out somewhere 👇🏽]

to clarify, the scenario i'm specifically picturing is if switches existed in the 90s and original-run scully got to play new horizons

she would never pick it up on her own accord, but imagine her at her godson's birthday or something and he introduces her to this silly little game that has cute animals and "oh, that's nice and wholesome, glad there are at least some video games out there that aren't all about violence" etc etc

but then somehow she ends up with her own copy. mb she does it for the social aspect of having something to share with her godson or whatever, the why of it doesn't matter. what matters is that, due to some series of events, scully ends up with a copy of animal crossing that she then proceeds to lose her entire sense of self inside of

it's the literal perfect game for her! first off, it's incredibly chill, and lord knows she can never get enough chill time. second off, the little quests in the game would stimulate the parts of her brain that like Tasks and Puzzles and Validation. she'd get a huge kick out of figuring out how to breed all the different types of flowers, and knowing during what time of day/type of weather/time of year certain bugs or fish were around. the good grades she would get on her house and island would fuel her. she would have the EXACT right amount of trees. no weeds. all the fruits. she'd find the most logical way to terraform her island so that it was both cute and efficient. she would lose HOURS to this shit, ok?

and it would take mulder a little while to notice

bc scully obvi wouldn't play at work, and also would be kind of embarrassed that she was spending so much time with a video game, so she'd hide it. but the longer it went on, the more there would be slip-ups

mulder asks her one day when they stop for gas in some random town how much the sunflower seeds she grabbed for him cost, and she says, "75 bells," before immediately correcting herself and saying, "cents! 75 cents!" (this wouldn't be the last "bells" slip)

mulder's on the phone with her one night rambling about a case, not really noticing that she hasn't been listening to a word he's been saying until he hears her mutter, "oh fuck you, astrid," and when he questions her she hastily explains that astrid is her annoying new neighbor (who is decidedly NOT a kangaroo, obviously)

she's always been brilliant, but suddenly she knows a lot of seemingly random trivia about different types of beetles and butterflies for some reason

he wonders if she's always had such a strong aversion to sea bass

eventually he catches her in the act, probably when he bursts into her hotel room through the adjoining door one day to tell her a new theory, only to find her curled up in her bed wrapped in her comforter, clutching her little yellow switch, and staring at him like he just caught her with a vibrator

and ofc he makes fun of her a little, but mostly he thinks it's cute

until

she makes him get a copy so they can trade items

which he does, bc 1. he always likes to have a reason to spend time with her outside of work, and 2. he cannot tell her no

which is how, on nights when there aren't any monsters to chase down or aliens falling from the sky, he finds himself lugging virtual supplies to scully's island (bc "i need more hard wood, mulder" and like, it's not the type of hard wood he wants to give her, but ya kno), and getting chastised for how cluttered his dumb animated house is ("you won't get a good ranking from the happy home academy if you don't coordinate your wallpaper, carpet, and furniture, mulder"). he hasn't picked a weed on his island the entire time he's had the game and it drives her Insane, which is why he does it, bc watching her silly little character running around his island in a frenzy plucking weeds is adorable (and god, how pathetic is it that he finds her adorable even in animal crossing character form??)

he does find some personal entertainment from the game. he likes collecting shooting stars and swimming and trying to guess which pieces of art are counterfeit. mostly, tho, he just likes how much scully likes it; he likes how, when she's playing or talking about the stupid game she laughs easier. he likes seeing her do something silly, just for the fun of it, and he likes that she lets him be a part of it

she invites him to her island one night, and she takes him to the shore, where she shows him where she terraformed a little area with a bench, flowers, and a telescope, and tells him she made it for the two of them to go stargazing together

their dumb little characters sit next to each other and watch pretend stars in the dark, and they both feel immensely loved

(she'll ask him if he brought her that new seasonal wardrobe he got later. she needs it to complete the set, but she can wait. not like, a super long time, obviously--the happy home academy sends their letter tomorrow and she'll be pissed if she doesn't get an A--but they can stay out under the night sky together. for a little longer, at least ❤️)

[gibbearish]

wanted to throw my hat into the ring specifically in regards to james responding to the bigotry claims bc i havent seen anyone address the aspects i wanna talk abt in full yet, it kinda got long as fuck for a p short excerpt so putting it under a readmore

so here's the section (text from @storagebay29 's v helpful transcript):

"I never ever intended to hurt anybody. I never thought that that's what I was doing. Before I went- before I went to the hospital,¹ I read a lot of stuff from people who were really hurt, not just authors and stuff but people who watched my videos who were hurt by stuff in them. People think that I hate ace people and women and bisexual people and lesbians and that's not true. It's really- it's just- it’s not true. And I’m sorry that stuff made it into videos² that just shouldn’t have been there: misinformation and lies... But I promise you I did not write that stuff.³

I should have been a lot more exacting when Nick and I would be editing scripts but I promise you that those are not- I don't think those things.⁴ I specifically want to apologise to asexual people who feel⁵ that I just completed delegitimised you. Nick being ace, I- I know that it's kinda like you know, no two gay people are exactly the same, no two ace people are exactly the same, but I kind of, when it came to that I just kind of ran with Nick's judgement⁶ and his observations and stuff like that. And I’m not trying to throw Nick under the bus,⁷ which a bunch of people are saying that I was setting him up as doing, which is not true…"

so! let's break this down

¹ "Before I went- before I went to the hospital" - firstly i want to be clear of my position with the "did he actually attempt" question bc ive seen some people being absolutely vile already, which is that while i understand doubting his story considering his history of lying and manipulation and obviously skewed moral compass, i also feel like it is VERY much plausible enough that publically speculating abt whether it's true or not is shitty, especially telling HIM you think he's lying. best case scenario you're right, worst case scenario you're crossing a hell of a line, and he's obviously done enough stuff that the situation can be addressed pretty comprehensively without risking getting that coin flip wrong. i think we should proceed under the assumption that lying about that is one line he wouldn't cross, and if proof comes along that he was lying then obviously fuck him, but otherwise i think that aspect should be off limits. and having said all that, even under the assumption he is telling the truth, the way he brings it up in this apology is still manipulative, as many have already pointed out, and this is an excellent example. by bringing it up right before addressing his bigotry, he a) implies to the audience that these comments in particular are a notable part of what sent him there, and therefore plants the idea that if they continue to address it while knowing how badly it's already affecting him, they'd be deliberately trying to hurt him or push him to attempt again, and b) tries to distract the audience from the fact that he's addressing his bigotry and get them to go easy on him, since clearly he's already punished himself over it enough. but harming yourself does not actually make up for harm caused to others, and even if it did, unlearning the bigotry that caused the harm in the first place doesnt end at "feel really bad about it," that's actually step one. and as i'm sure you're already aware and i'll get into more in points 4 and 5, whether he's even at step one yet is doubtful!

² "And I’m sorry that stuff made it into videos" - others have covered his passive voice the whole way through so i won't dwell too long beyond pointing it out, it's mostly just highlighted here bc of how it ties into the next point

³ "But I promise you I did not write that stuff." - just, beautiful in so many ways. performance art, even. firstly, the fact that one of the closest places he comes to calling it plagiarism is in defense against a second allegation? just lmao. and secondly, this is about the most solid proof you could get that he indeed did not watch hbomberguy's video (or at least the whole thing) because hbomb very conclusively showed that if there are /any/ original thoughts of James' in his scripts, it is the bigotry, because he showed multiple examples of James /specifically/ rewording things he plagiarized to ADD IN the bigotry. so then tying back to point 2, his passive voice then becomes about ten times funnier here because he was just. blissfully unaware we all already knew exactly how it "made it into" the script and that his next statement would be a lie. just incredible

⁴ "I don't think those things." - notice the lack of specificity here, the most he can say is "people think i hate these groups" and "i don't think those things" and not "this is exactly what i said that was harmful, here's how it was harmful, here's the correct version of it, and here's how to avoid similar pitfalls in the future", yknow, like what people do when they actually accidentally say bigoted things bc they don't know any better? and again this point ties into the next one:

⁵ "I specifically want to apologise to asexual people who feel that I just completed delegitimised you." - ah yes, nothing says apology like "i'm sorry you felt like what i said was hurtful," where the message is less "i did something wrong and hurt you, i regret this and want to fix it," and more "you were too sensitive and got your feelings hurt by something i didn't intend to be hurtful, but i GUESS i'll be the bigger person and say sorry even though i didn't actually do anything wrong🙄". and see again 4, if he actually had looked into it and learned why it was wrong, he wouldn't be saying people "felt" delegitimised. he would be explaining why people reacted that way ie what it was a reaction to, why this reaction was correct, and providing actual information about asexual people. but he doesnt, because he didnt, because he doesnt care. which is all ESPECIALLY fucked because in saying it this way he's. delegitimising what they were saying. like some kind of fuckin aphobia ouroboros

⁶ "when it came to that I just kind of ran with Nick's judgement" + ⁷ "And I’m not trying to throw Nick under the bus" - here we are, the crown jewels. so obviously ppl are already talking abt the performative allyship of "but my best friend is minority and they said it was fine!!1!" which is fucked up on its own, but then the fact that he immediately jumps to "and also i'm not throwing nick under the bus" shows us that within the greater context, point 6 did indeed mean "the bigotry in the scripts that i am currently apologizing for and explaining the presence of in this section is there because i repeated the things nick told me were true, these ideas originate from him." aka blame nick, not me. but then he remembered that scapegoating nick is also something people are accusing him of so he had to backtrack over it, which if it was actually an innocent statement, it yknow. wouldn't need to be backtracked over? it's like he thinks just because he doesn't outright say "nick has bigoted ideas that i parroted so basically its his fault" that no one can pick up on the subtext? and frankly i don't know much about nick (or james beyond this whole thing tbf so obv take everything i say with the whole shaker of salt) so this very well could be the truth to a degree, but if nick does hold bigoted views too, that's TOO. not instead. for james to repeat them without question to the camera means he doesn't disagree. even if hbomb hadn't proven the bigotry did originate from him, it would still be meaningless, because if it came from nick then that would just mean james decided to stay close working friends with a shitbag and repeat all of his garbage to his fans uncritically!

so in summary, in just this one chunk he: reminds you to be extra niceys to him because hes delicate right now, immediately lies about where the bigotry came from, talks around what he actually said wrong or that he was in the drivers seat for it, then blames nick for it before hearing himself say it out loud reminds him people are picking up on that now too and has to walk it back.

to spoof the roblox oof video: when we look at the sum collective of all of his claims regarding his bigotry, and we put it in context with. the fucking everything about him. when james says the bigotry didn't come from him, this might just be me. but I don't believe him!

[cringelordofchaos]

Common ADHD traits/experiences I've heard of !!

(I was gonna make a post about why I might be neurodivergent but I figured it'd be going a bit too personal. Also this is just easier)

(ADHD is much more nuanced and complex than I may make it appear in this post. A lot of ADHD people don't have a lot of these traits or have traits not mentioned here. For example there are three types of ADHD (inattentive, hyperactive and combined) and most inattentive adhders are not going to be hyperactive lol)

Warning: badly worded (I'm stupid that's my excuse). also I'll go on personal rants as to how some of these may apply to me (whilst I can reasonate with each point listed here I won't go on a rat on all of these)

Physical hyperactivity (inability to sit/stand still (I used to think this meant that people with ADHD were incapable of. Sitting down (while constantly fidgeting or not) for one whole class)(I was an idiot)(I still am)). (Just overall constant , movement (I might have it idk I'm ALWAYS

Excessive talking

Stimming, fidgeting, general and overall repetitive movements (such as flapping hands, pacing, clasping hands together, etc)

Low attention span regarding things that don't garner much interest to you

More likely to be autistic, have anxiety or depression (or generally have other diagnostic conditions)

Ability to Hyperfocus on specific things, at times out of their control

More likely to have a lower Performance in school that most people

Proneness to addiction

Rejection sensitive dysphoria/RSD (really sensitive and afraid to rejection or criticism or disapproval or stuff like that. I'm questioning if I have it and I'm pretty sure I do bc i would have a whole breakdown bc i accidentally had a bad unintentional thought about this cool person I didn't want to hate me)(it's complicated)

Emotional disregulation (easily irritable, excited, stressed, stronger emotions, more likely to lash out, etc)(people with this are usually described to be much more emotional)

restless leg syndrome (except it's permanent lol)

Lower memory spans regarding most things

Forgetting to fulfill basic needs (such as eating, drinking, showering, etc)

Women/AFAB people are more likely to be diagnosed with inattentive ADHD (this of course does not rucking mean afab people can't b hyperactive my god)

Mental hyperactivity (racing/constant/overlapping/repetitive thoughts or stuff like that)

Impulsivity (doing stuff without thinking them fully though or not knowing why)

Sensory issues (sensitivity to sensory output such as noise, brightness, etc)

Easily bored/underwhelmed/understimulated - more likely to want to seek constant dopamine (due to l

Easily overwhelmed (whether itd be due to aforementioned sensory issues, emotional disregulation, rsd or stuff like that)

More likely to be perceived as "childish" (from what I've heard obviously this and many other things listed here don't apply to everyone)

Executive dysfunction (can't do shit at all)(ok it's more complicated than that just Google it up or something)

Having Hyperfixations (things you're DEEPLY invested in for a period of time, it can be a few days, weeks, months, sometimes more than a year, depends rly)(I'm still questioning if I'm neurodivergent but like I'm pretty sure I was in a DEEP hyperfixation mode when it came to sonic for like. A YEAR. like I literally it was literally the only thing on my brain the only thing in my life. and I would get realllytyy excited about learning obscure information about it or infodumping and I would flap my hands bc of how excited and passionate I was Abt it)(man I miss the times when I was so passionate about stuff I liked it was so fun :(( )

Higher/lower levels of empathy (I've seen this moreso been brought up with discussions regarding autism but I've also seen it brought up with ADHD itself too)

Lower levels of dopamine

Impatience

More likely to be a maladaptive daydreamer

Its cause is usually heavily genetic (meaning if your family or a family member has ADHD, you are more likely to have ADHD yourself)

More likely to have insomniac/have general problems with sleep (I'm questioning ADHD. I'm writing this like... Five hours before I'm supposed to wake up for school. Great.)

There is also a higher relevance between ADHD and PTSD

If I missed something important let me know!! Also if you don't know some of he

This post is not meant to be used as a substitute for self nor professional diagnosis, though if you feel like you might have ADHD because of this post I recommend further research and conversations with trusted advisors such as parental figures or therapists/doctors (not me not listening to my own advice)(<- that was me regarding my latter advice)(I'm too scared to tell my parents about it man)(idk why)

Things to note:

ADHD is not just about little elementary school hyperactive white boys !!

There's a lot of things I mightve missed

Not everyone with ADHD has all these traits (obviously)

Some of these traits may be common due to the commonness of ADHD + autism overlap (idk though)

Apparently it's one of the most diagnosed forms of neurodivergence in kids (about 7-10% of kids in the USA are diagnosed with ADHD)(APPARENTLY idk)

There's more but I'm tired right now byeeee

[mikuyuuss]

Waaaah~! Thank you for reblogging my ask game, Unni!

Since you're open to answering questions, can I ask 4, 18, and 20 for Akari?

AHHH thanks for the ask as always Erika!!

4. Why did you give them the name they have? Whats the in universe reason for their name?

Im gonna be honest IM BAD AT NAMING THINGS 😭😭 So I happen to choose Akari because it's a common girl's name and it sounds pretty (surely if it's a common name it won't have a weird meaning RIGHT???!!!) At first I was scared bc apparently the "aka" in akari can also mean red which like, Akari's obviously not a red girly 😂

But her name actually ended up having a beautiful meaning to it (Thank God) The "明" in her name stands for "light" or "brilliance" I believe. Coincidentally, I also have "明" in my name too. I believe it's associated with smartness (at least in chinese culture) So I believe Akari was given that name by her parents because she is the light in their life, and they want her to grow up as a brilliant person.

18. Imagine meeting your oc what would you imagine you'd say to them or do with them

It's gonna be SO messy and complicated if she knew that I created her. In all seriousness I don't think Akari would like me at all. Anyways that aside.. If things were a little simpler, I'd love to just hang out with her, play dress up and do cosplays and other fun stuffs. I could give her words of encouragement about the things that I wish I could tell myself too, but in reality I think I will just go :

She can do it because she's fast and I'm as slow as a turtle.

20. Share a random piece of trivia about the creation of your oc (scrapped idea or changes you didnt expect to make)

This is her old design:

Initially, her vibes was a lot darker and edgier, but somehow she got softer and pinker the more I drew her.

Tbh Akari looks way cooler here, but her design feels a little messy. There were many cool ideas but nothing came out of it. In the end she's just kinda there. I originally wasn't gonna ship her with Giyuu bc I was a giyuu x shinobu shipper back then and thought they would be canon XD (I just prefer them as bros now) It doesnt help that I was so busy with school and its the pandemic, so my creative juices were little to none. But one idea that has always stayed is Akari having a good relationship with the girls, especially Mitsuri. After that I forgot about her...

Then I took a year off university, so more time to draw. I was on my way to moving on from kny, until I saw the swordsmith teaser and was like "Okay this show helped me get through pandemic, why not post some art to pay tribute at least." one art became more and suddenly I realized I wanna revisited Akari again bc omg this oc has so much wasted potential I need to fix this 😱 Guess I wont be moving on from kny soon 🤡

I thought about different breathing styles, illusion, star breathing etc. I decided that Akari is a battle seamstress character so I thought of silk breathing bc you know silk but I was like: "ok shes a seamstress who does seamstress powers?? thats it?? she needs something more specific" Eventually I settled for Camellia flowers bc I think its perfect for her in every way.

[wetcatspellcaster]

I hope this isn't too personal. If it is, I apologize and you can obviously ignore it! But you've mentioned how there was a period where you were going through some stuff and stopped writing. I had the same thing happen, and things are better (yay for both of us getting through Stuff), but my writing still hasn't come back, and it's been years. I know you said BG3 itself helped bring it back, but did you do anything to help force yourself back into writing mode? Just wondering if you had any tips or anything. Thanks!

hey anon, I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling to write. I'm going to do my best to answer but I've found writers block to be a highly personal thing so I'm not sure what I did works for everyone!

I've had two periods of writing block - one was years long due to having a high pressure university degree and then general life stuff after (18-26) the other was due to depression and something in a fandom upsetting me to the point where I didn't want to interact anymore.

So the first piece of advice I have is, work out what the root cause of the issue is, and address it! Which sucks! It's basically therapy! It feels very silly to even be advising it. But for my first writers block I realised I was putting too much pressure on myself - I wanted everything I wrote to be Meaningful and Perfect - so I devised the silliest and most entertaining writing project I could ever imagine for myself and got rid of expectation, and this broke through the block entirely. I began thinking of writing as a hobby I do for fun rather than a vocation or future profession, etc. I came to this drug late, so people who've been writing fic for longer probably won't find that novel - but I did! For the second issue, I took a break and then I readjusted how I interact with fandom. I probably seem quite antisocial at times to others, but I've just changed my boundaries to make it so I'm comfortable and so I keep writing. I realised that I didn't like the grounds on which I'd been operating on ao3 so I changed them - the block shifted again.

Often, it's not the writing that you're struggling with, necessarily, it's something else in the mix that's preventing you from doing it. See if you can find out what that is!

The second part of your question is 'how do you force writing back'... I don't think you can, honestly. Placing pressure on yourself, I've found, always backfires. But my advice for getting started writing again after a break is as follows:

Make a really fun project, as silly or cringe or self-indulgent as possible. Something you are genuinely excited about putting down on paper. Something that feeds you specifically. from a favourite maladaptive daydream, to a silly one shot, to a laundry list of all your favourite fictional things.

If you feel like you literally can't write sentences, bullet point something instead. This means that you won't feel guilt about losing the idea you've had, but also i've found that whenever I return to bullet points, it's easier to start writing bc it's not a blank page. Whatever your notes are, I promise they will be useful. If you write them in a low energy time and come back to them at a higher energy time, even better, bc past-you has literally set up a little springboard for you once you have the bandwidth to jump!

Reduce pressure. This one is very personal so it'll seem vague. Reducing pressure could be not publishing anything until it's finished. Reducing pressure could be publishing or sharing with friends immediately, so you get support and motivation to help you keep going and don't feel like you're working alone. Reducing pressure could be to pick the easiest project you have first, so you do something that maybe feels simplistic at the time, but it helps you build confidence for facing more ambitious projects later.

I don't know if any of that is helpful, but I've honestly found that for me, keeping writing as fun as possible has been what allows me to keep doing it. Any time I feel anxiety or stress creeping in, I try to remind myself of that by any means necessary.

[morphogenetic]

Mediaposting 2024, #6: Dai Gyakuten Saiban 2/The Great Ace Attorney Resolve

Completed: April 21st, 2024 (/i still have to watch the DLC episodes that didn't get released with the official loc, I guess but I'm not playing it any more so ?? lol)

Time spent: 49.5 hours (will be like 50.5 after the DLC stuff)

Rating: 9/10 (more objectively. but a very biased 9.5 in my heart.)

ohhhhh my god alright where do i even start with this. i guess i also have to talk about dgs1 a little bit in this review/mini completion log but I will TRY and keep it to just 2. [editor's note: somehow succeeded with this! lfg]

first, to get the non-spoiler parts of this out of the way:

please for the love of god play this fucking game if you've played the original AA trilogy but not the DGS duology. i can not stress this enough. i would not recommend playing them as your FIRST aa games because a) they will set your bar way too high (and too low simultaneously bc wow dgs1 still has whack as hell pacing) b) there are a few details, especially in this particular game, that will evoke no reaction in you if you haven't played at least the main three games but WILL cause you to start gnawing on drywood if you have Knowledge Of The Future

the whole dgs duology - and specifically as a duology, bc 2 makes no sense without 1 but 1 by itself is not on this level - is absolutely in my top 3/4 AA games now. i admittedly have not replayed the original trilogy in quite a while, buuuuuut T&T/AAI2/DGS1+2 are my new top 3. not necessarily in that order, give me a bit to think about it lol.

im going to be thinking about this game for the rest of my life probably. i can see why my best friend wanted me to play it for uh. seven years. because yeah it really is that good.

i want to cosplay four different designs from it. i have not wanted to cosplay anything new (to me) since neo twewy came out three years ago. take that as you will.

music still slaps. obviously. my favorite new song is absolutely partners (IYKYK) but agh. the new theme(s) that characters get are all so fucking good. clenches fist. the leitmotifs

definitely becomes relevant in retrospect in a few places where capcom obviously cut the hell out of the budget but they saved it for where it matters so i dont care. im also uh. very used to low budget VNs so frankly even 3D models are better than I'm used to LMFAO. i also you know. didn't realize that they did that until after the fact. so. they hid it well

if you havent played this go and play it (after playing the original AA trilogy). please for the love of god im on my hands and knees.

everything below the cut (i.e. below this point) has blatant unfiltered spoilers. you have been warned.

okay so welcome you've presumably played all of dgs2 if you're reading this. i have THOUGHTS. a lot of these will come off as critical/negative but i need to strongly emphasize that these are the only reasons that this game is not a 10/10 for me and otherwise i'm in love with it. it is fucking CLOSE. i am not talking a lot about the things i really love because that is.............................a lot of the game for me and we'd be here all day. the critiques are much more limited in number. but. you know.

dgs2 absolutely has much, Much better pacing than dgs1 does overall. it does not take 3 cases to get past a bunch of tutorial cases. this is a good thing. however..............the first two cases are still very slow. i won't call them pure filler, because a) reminding us about yuujin was a very good idea, b) they contribute to the Themes of the game. and im glad hosonaga was there again and (of all of the side characters we could have had) seeing souseki was good. i like them. but they really didn't need to be there to fulfill the themes of the game. case 2 in particular feels like a filler case, which I do not love given how tight the rest of the plot feels. if anything i feel like they should have done an interim flashback case without susato, as much as I adore susato, because as-is it's canon that ryuu had 3 cases in the span of a week. which feels INSANE

speaking of better pacing: im so glad dgs2 remembered that AA games can take investigation breaks between courtroom shit because running through ALL of the trial after ALL of the investigation in 1-5 was. let's say. taxing. the 'finding their footing' aspect of the first game

i do kind of wish we got One more case with the masked apprentice where susato wasn't there at all for the entire case. if only because then the delay between ryuu Thinking It and susato Knowing it would be even more painful. but i do really appreciate that they don't try to make it a woah big reveal as much as a painful "i know who you are but you don't." really adds a certain je nai se quois or however the fuck you spell that. idr. its 1 am when im typing this

also hey asougi can we fucking unpack how susato (the girl you were raised with to some extent, probably not like your sister but your weird younger cousin) called your name and you didn't remember who you were but you DID remember when you saw a wax reconstruction of your dead dad. can we fucking talk about that for a minute. can w

speaking of asougi. my god. they did such a good job with him. i think i wouldn't have cared nearly as much about him if all we had was the dgs1 stuff but his extreme motivation for the truth almost turning him into a violent attack dog is. aaaaaaaaaah. god. and the parallels between him and his father's followers (read: the von karmas) that one has from playing the mainline AA games. truly brainworm material

speaking of this: i can absolutely tell they did NOT think about writing the professor stuff with this game until they added in the masked apprentice - before he got turned into asougi - even though the reaper was obviously something that was planned. i do not care personally about this, because game dev is weird as hell and it REALLY works with asougi and van zieks' character arcs. in the same way that i don't think [SPOILER CHARACTER] from vlr would have been as good without the knowledge of 999, i think if barok had been foiled against a new character it wouldn't have worked as well. all that said. it sure is obvious they didn't know what they were doing. this makes me even more impressed that that they got it to work at all

the same is true of everything with the hound of the baskervilles but im really glad that they took it in the direction that they did.

also man it is so obvious that they probably wanted to have this be a proper trilogy like the original trilogy but then budget happened. because 2-3 through 2-5 all slap but they feel so fucking weird next to 2-1 and 2-2. like i dont feel that theres anything missing per se but a little more time for character growth would have been nice. hell even adding in an extra case (and/or editing 2-2....)

the only writing thing, aside from. 2-2 being like that. and the other weird pacing issues..that extensively is off to me is the whole assassin trading plot. i do think it is Very stupid and that they clearly wrote themselves into a corner with 1-5 on how to deal with it because they just...proceed to not deal with it until 2-4 and 2-5. however. even with that said. i actually kind of like that it is so stupid. because stronghart definitely feels SO obsessed with his version of justice that he wouldn't think through the potential downsides of having two free-roaming assassins running around and maybe coming to get his ass. obvious flaw that would not occur to him because of his insane ass behavior

its still dumb. but it's ace attorney dumb. so i can excuse it a little bit

stronghart being a damon gant expy was funny but goddamnit was it predictable. making him be so obssessed with justice that he talks to ryuu about it for 4 hours was funny as hell though and absolutely adds to him as a character. still dont like him that much Personally but hes definitely a character

his breakdown was peak. by the way. top 3 breakdowns in the series

jigoku being like that kills me. also. the way he just let genshin

g. genshin impact (sorry)

i dont care that sherlock's bullshit was a deus ex machina bc honestly.....electricity was real at that point. its fine

also. holy shit i love ryuunosuke in this game even more. 'i'm not doing this for you, kazuma. i'm doing it for the truth.' BANGER!!!!!!!!!!!! his growth across these two games is really good but especially in this one he shines so brightly

however..........this game made the glaring lack of ryuu's parents even more obvious. its not like i Need it or anything but considering how he very literally refers to yuujin/susato/sherlock/iris as his family in 2-4.....where are your parents!!!! what was your childhood like!!!!!! I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS THAT I WISH COULD BE ANSWERED!!!!!!!!!

and asougi. i could write an essay on asougi alone i think. but i adore how both he and ryuu are like 'you've changed' at each other and neither of them are wrong but then by the end they're like 'wow you're the same as before.' theyre so fucking gay. anyway

and sherlock (WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU WHY DO YOU LIE FOR FUN LIKE THIS????????)

and yuujin (partners ~ game is afoot starts playing and i start crying). obsessed with how they only had to write the dynamic for a single case and you can believe all of it because they can just go. lol. ACD canon. anyway

and susato

and, most surprisingly of all for me.....fucking barok van zieks. i would not call myself a Fan of him in the way i am a Fan of asougi and ryuu, but i am obsessed with him. he did so many things wrong but realizes he genuinely fucked up and wants to atone for it. he gets genuinely upset in prison when he can't join the red-headed league. he's a professional alcoholic. he has bats in his office (???). what is wrong with him. (i know the answer is 'literally everything that could be wrong with a person.' but still

i love every single character in this game (or i hate them but because they were written to be hated)??? how did they manage this again. dgs1 helps so much here because the character growth.

argh. the character parallels with everyone realizing their parent / mentor figure was fucked up and/or hiding shit from them in some way. thinking emoji rotating in a circle goes here

wow that magically became way less critical as i was writing it. i thought it was going to be a lot stronger of a critique. its still weird pacing stuff basically that bothers me but i have very minor complaints that im forgetting aside from this

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEAH HI GUYS IM BRAIN ROTTING NOW FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this has had almost the same brain impact on me (as evidenced by the 1 million words about it) as raging loop i think and thats never a good sign since i still think about raging loop at least once a week despite the fact that i played it 3 goddamn years ago

[catboyhizashi]

My freshly collected thoughts about season two of good omens. (Not spoiler free!!)

First off, the negatives bc I need to talk about why I loved this season but before that, oh man.

I think you can really feel a decline in the quality of the dialog. Of course the characters were still fun and the banter works but I just feel like it was much simpler? Not everywhere, but there were some scenes where I did specifically noticed it. I also felt like the pacing was....irritating. The last episode ended up being jam-packed with so many things and some early episodes felt like they were dragged out, without any story happening. I missed some form of look back at the story from season one, it felt a bit disconnected but then again years have passed so it didn't bother me that much. Now the ending. My first reaction was why the hell was it necessary?? My prediction to this season was that through the parallel of Maggie and Nina our sweet sweet ineffable husbands would realize that oh!! they're also in love. I won't go into too much detail about what I thought would happen bc basically none of it came true lmao but I really did think we'd get them a happy although complicated ending. In the last scene, Aziraphale did feel like he regressed right back into his season 1, early season self. I'm not saying his decision and actions feel completely disconnected from his overall character but their arc this season was so sweet, they really showed how much they relied on each other (carved it out for ourselves and everything). And in this context I feel like he wouldn't have abandoned Crowley like that. And I know Aziraphale holds so many complicated feelings towards heaven, they just felt so much closer than that. But alas. The angst is beautifully painful, I have to admit.

Now the good part!

I am so happy we got to see pre-fall Crowley :") (he is never beating the babygirl allegations). Also I cannot believe their meetcute was the creation of our universe 😭. The historical flashbacks own my heart, I was very happy we got so many of them. Especially the Job part, it gave so much more context to their relationship and to me put a lot of what we see even in season one in a new and exciting perspective. They acted so incredibly married the whole season 😔 Crowley taking care of the bookshop, giving him the car, CROWLEY SMILING ABOUT NINA AND MAGGIE ??? he was so adorable. The fact that Aziraphale knows how much it means to Crowley to look after him????? All of these things just made the ending more painful but they were very well done. You also can't analyze this season without talking about the acting. John Hamm was amazing, memory loss Gabriel was so funny I wish he had a little more room to play with this situation but we obviously can't have everything. David and Michael were amazing per usual. Their dynamic is so incredible, the way they use a certain voice for these characters, the little mannerisms and facial expressions I loved in season one absolutely return and are maybe turned up to a 150% and I loved every minute of it. You can really tell that they wanted us to feel how well these two idiots work together, and just how much they care about one another. Their flashbacks and the way they talk to each other still makes me smile, and gives you that sort kf warm feeling. Like it'd be nice to be around them.

To summarize, I'm not completely happy with how this season played out and some of the creative decisions are foggy to me but it got me right back at 2019, being excited and emotional. I missed this show so much, I love these characters so much and I cannot wait to see where season 3 takes us. (BC THERE WILL BE A SEASON 3 STREAM IT PEOPLE STREAM. IT.)

[cowboymantis]

It's really interesting how Kingdom and E'Last have like... The same loved spot in my heart as favourite groups. Like, sure I have multiple favourite groups but around those my brain is always revolving around the most when it comes to the concepts and theories and the designs and everything.

They're just really special to me and have concepts like, imo, no other group. Obviously, a lot of groups have darker/mysterious concepts but especially Kingdom just really GOT ME with the lore. The theories. The characters. The settings. The outfits.

And then E'Last, especially Tears of Chaos, Dark Dream and Creature had such a great mysterious vibe and the outfits are just top tier.

Also, both bands I discovered randomly on YouTube, which the further I got into kpop, got less and less frequent because I end up hearing about a group a couple of times before checking them out. For Kingdom, when Excalibur came out and for E'Last, Tears of Chaos. It just peaked my interest immediately, the title, the thumbnail and when watching them I was immediately sold and got sucked into the fandom. :'D

And whenever one of the bands has a comeback I come back to obsessing over everything around it as in talking a lot about them to friends, looking for new content, listening to the music all day, making theories (more just for Kingdom but hsjshd)... It's like when a show you love airs a new episode in a way. But also, when one band has a comeback I will eventually also go back to focusing on the respective other one all over again and then it will jump around in my head between them.

Doesn't help that currently I am absolutely obsessed with Tokusatsu which won't stop anytime soon, and still are so much into Yakuza so all of those 4 things are rotating in my brain 24/7 help .

At the same time I'm also sad both Kingdom and E'Last don't get NEARLY the fame and hype they deserve. But it seems that they're happy (which I hope is also that way) and that's what matters.

OH, two other groups I'd place very high around a similar area are definitely A.C.E, P1Harmony and Golden Child. They're all also so dear to me with both their content outside of music videos and the music itself while being way too underrated for how insanely good they are!

I'm almost scared to say this but this isn't Twitter where stans see everything as it being personal- but P1Harmony have been so far pretty much the only band where I love every song in albums. I'm sure this isn't an unpopular opinion because obviously you can't love every song but still. But I just can't stand songs that are cheesy and/or fan-servicey (which I think. Is probably bc I'm aroace and it just makes me uncomfortable and cringe- but still,) they're just the worst. BUT if the song is catchy enough I will still love it, just ignoring the lyrics is something I need to get better at :'D Kingdom's Warning is a good example of a song having lyrics that make me physically cringe but I jam out to this song because it's such a bop. So yeah.

I mean, Monsta X is one of my all time favs and they're so full of cheesy songs and fanservice, so I think somewhere along the road my resistance went up. :'D

Even after some years, kpop fans are still wild to me. Like, the amount of delusions and elitism going on seem to be more than for any other fandom, but that's not really a fun topic to talk about. But man, watching live performances can be painful with how loud everyone's screaming their lungs out which alone is enough for me to never go on a kpop concert, even though I'd love to. But the only non-metal concert I ever went to was already hell when it came to the fans just screeching and making it completely unable to understand what the singer is even singing. So yeah, I uh, I'll stick to metal concerts,,,

But!! Even though I am not the biggest fan normally of watching live performances, I still really love watching them for specific groups, coming back to Kingdom and E'Last because those were kinda the main focus before I got sidetracked (and I would just add more and more I feel like fhkgfg), I love their lives and choreographies in general so so so much. They are very, dare I say it, aesthetic and just fascinating to look at. Plus, both bands are so full of visuals it's insane.

I also noticed both Kingdom and E'Last often have some kind of ropes and cloth in the performances, which is a thing I really love because it's just really pleasing to look at, especially if they dance with it in such a smooth way. (Gah, like that one amazing Stray Kids Side Effects performance)

Both also have those beautiful and mysterious settings, I especially love the misty forests.

And also, AMAZING instrumentals/intros! 🙏

I'm just gonna. Go ahead and post some examples of parallels I love and think it's so beautiful that both of these bands I have so much brainrot about share so many similarities dfjghjfdg But I am just SO NORMAL!!! ABOUT IT!!! I LOVE IT SO MUCH. Whether it's just same vibe or similar posing it's just a lot of fun.

Gonna put...

E'Last on the left and Kingdom on the right :)

It was a lot of fun just finding so many parallels now when skimming over the E'Last performances with that in mind, because for Kingdom I feel like I've got every frame engraved in my brain because I'm working on a big archive + lore essay about them so like...Yeah my mind at this point is a Kingdom archive help,, Next on the list for that will be E'Last tho soooo...

Also, for the end, a fancy group pose for E'Last and Kingdom :)

[hyperactivetransdrone]

So this weekend my mom's ex aka my brother's father came up from a buncha states away to visit and... yeah imma complain bc there's no where else to do that

Anyways first of he's rich and so is his family so yknow that's sort of where things begin, now obviously not every rich person is bad but that's not the point of this anyway, I'll start with Christmas, he HATES getting anything used for Christmas or getting someone music because every year at the top of my list had been a Wii with Kirbys Return to Dreamland now I finally bought a Wii myself this year but I've been asking for that for the past... 4-5 years and while he's never directly said it he pretty much silently says "yeah I'm not buying that, next" and it's the same with if I want music that HE doesn't listen to for example every year for the past 3-4 years I've been asking for a dragonforce OR a halestorm album or merch bc I really enjoy those bands and he also refuses to buy any of THOSE things, now magic the gathering has been getting really power crept these past few years so I haven't been super into magic besides the occasional looking at the new cards then hearing yeah these mythics made specifically for commander are super broken and they're never going to ban these cards so that people buy more packs for the second hand market" so yeah I only really look at cards that help my current decks so I haven't really been asking for magic recently especially with the scummy new booster packs they're starting to make and I think he's a little disappointed at that

But if I were to give a list of my Christmas list on average for the past few years it would be in this priority order:

A Nintendo Wii (he won't buy it bc it's old)

Kirbys Return to Dreamland for the Nintendo Wii (he won't buy it bc it's old)

A Dragonforce/Halestorm Album/Merch (he won't buy it either bc he doesn't like the music OR he doesn't want me listening to it, one of the two)

[Next Pokémon Game] (he'll probably buy it because it's the only thing that's 'new' on my list)

Last year specifically I wanted a drawing tablet so I could do digital art but then again I didn't submit a list even though yknow I've been asking for the EXACT same stuff for the past few years

Anyway umm yeah that's pretty upsetting for me especially since ALL of those years I never had a way to buy any of those things now on the the next topic: food

So whenever we're with him we usually go out for food since it's the easiest way to get food and we don't have a way to cook AND he's rich but here's my main problem like yeah sure it is free food BUT even since I've been diagnosed with diabetes he doesn't want me eating too much now please note I'm already a deathly underweight 120 pounds and he doesn't support my transition based on the way he left my message on "read from notifications" about a meme of coming put as trans and the way he gers irrationally upset whenever I wanna get feminine clothing (not super upset just a very Stern and scary "no that's for women you not allowed to get that") but anyway back to food so we go out to get breakfast and due to my doctors saying I'm anorexic (aka I'm bad at taking insulin so I don't digest it like I should, and if anyone wants to give me a Hypnotic trigger of "see food, wanna eat food so stop and take correct amount of insulin" feel free) so I need to eat more however, with breakfast I like pancakes and I like taking an English muffin and bacon and making a sandwich with it (it's really good) and at home I eat like 5-7 medium sized pancakes with bacon, and an English muffin or bagel and occasionally with some cereal and coffee, real carb filled breakfast however whenever I get breakfast with him, and please note he's rich he can afford it he works in a steel mill as like a contractor or like one of the higher up positions and makes over 100,000 a year and just statically has like double that sitting in his account, anyway, that's not the point the point is I am allowed to have 2 pancakes with nothing except butter on them (syrup is too sticky for me, sensory issues) so no cherries (I love cherries on pancakes but I haven't had it in like 5+ years) so chocolate chips nothing, 1 side of bacon and 1 side of an English muffin and nothing else because he says it's to "keep my blood sugar down" and both my mother and myself say bullshit because as long as I take my insulin I'll be fine and I've gone a little over 500 (like hospital bad, 600 would be emergency room bad for me) and have taken insulin and have been fine but not super great feeling so I know how to treat myself but instead I get what barely fills me up, hell this weekend alone I've had to eat BEFORE we go out to eat to NOT feel hungry after breakfast then for lunch if we get Jimmy John's I can either get 1 sandwich (not enough to fill me up, it's basically a snack) or 2 unwiches (it's a sandwich but the bread is replaced by lettuce so it's the equivalent of 1 sandwich) and I'm still hungry, other places tho like subway I will defend bc it tastes better so it fills me up more or they have other gimmicks to make it worth it for example like fucking 36oz beverages

But other foods like 5 guys is fine bc it's also a lot wings tho I have a story: so I only get boneless bc I really enjoy the crunchy part not so much the chicken-y part (flavors not an issue I just don't like wet and inside of meat tends to be wet) but he's usually like "ehhh 15 is pushing my 'your not allowed to eat' limit" so normally that's all I'm allowed to get so I proved outside of that that I could eat 20 bc while 15 was pretty good I was enjoyed I was always still a little hungry so I proved that I could eat 20 normally so I did it at a cast hosted cast party for a show i was in then proved that I could eat 20 so I try to order it and he's like "fine since you say you can eat 20 then prove it to me" so now there was no backing down and while we were waiting I said how and when I did it and he said: "yeah well you didn't get enough to eat then bc yoy we're exhasted" please note I was in TWO SCENES well three but 2 of them I was literally standing around and the third I walked around for like a minute and the other like hour and fifteen was playing celeste backstage so no I was not hungry, anyway I prove it by eating all of them and finishing before anyone else finished, and please note this was after having like no breakfast and going to get that cute hat.

Next is the final topic: shopping

This is probably the one thing that I REALLY dislike because: he just has a look of disappointment everytime I spend my own money like the hat I bought yesterday, I didn't want to buy the hat before we left hot topic bc that would be awkward standing In there with your purchase already purchased but just waiting for people to finish perusing so I waited until everyone was ready to check out and when I said I was going to buy the hat he just had a look of almost disgust and disappointment that I would DARE buy something without spending HIS money.

And I mean it's not like he would want to buy what I wanted either I was raised to be conservative with my money because we're lower middle class so I don't want to spend his money because it feels rude even tho he's offering most of the time and pretty much gives me a dirty look whenever I try to buy things for myself when he's not asking or if I don't know if he wants to buy me something because he doesn't tell me my price limit so I get anxious and just spend my own money to relive that anxiety but it's not just his expression his voice is also has just a touch of disappointment in it too not like sad disappointment like upset disappointment and if I want to buy my brother something he's like "oh well too bad I'm buying it for him you shouldn't try to buy him anything because I'll buy it for him" which yeah I... don't like that I just wanna be nice and everytime I try to be nice or polite you get upset and say "stop doing that" especially since I just want to prove value since if I try to actually be my own person and have my own style and try to do things to relive my anxiety it's almost like he thinks I don't trust him which is not true but I mean when you actively tell me to stop being polite because you don't like it or get upset because of how I wanna express myself I mean I'm not going to just have a positive response he also got upset when I wore makeup in front of him but in a more subtle "does your mother know about this?" Like yeah I wouldn't do it if she didn't otherwise you would tell her and both of you would yell at me together

Anyway umm thank you for reading if you read all this sorry for ranting umm just depression and been holding that in for a long while now it doesn't relive too much but yknow, uhh hopefully I'm not being entitled because if I am umm, well I would not wish nice things upon myself and again I don't like spending other people's money unless I literally don't have a choice sooo yeah

[txxfiles]

youtube!

why is she going on about youtube i hear u cry? well it’s on my mind and idk what else to talk about so here i am to tell you all about how i’ve recently rediscovered my love for the fucking eboys and ponder upon why i am here once again. but anyway what does it mean? who am i? what is going on? if i knew we wouldn't be here so let's take a trip, shall we? 

for anyone who doesn't know the eboys are 4 youtubers who made a short live youtube channel and podcast back during lockdown. it was a culmination of 4 guys i really loved so obviously, i was in. i loved their content separately so having them all together was a dream. their content was the sort of dumb shit i always enjoy so what a fucking win. and then, like all good things, it died within just over a year and i was obviously heartbroken but understood why they decided to call it quits. i don't think i realised how much i missed it until i started watching it again so now there's a small hole in my chest wondering what could have been. i know they won't come back together again like they haven't even made a video all together since so that dream is dead which is sad but whatever. 

i’ve come to realise i have very ‘immature’ taste when it comes to youtube, i don’t watch cool video essays very often or like educational or life vlogs or anythng like that, i like commentary videos and ‘i ran a marathon in heelys’ videos (love u will if ur reading this i’m free literally all the time) and i’m not saying this is a bad thing before anyone starts, it brings me joy so it’s fine but having fallen off youtube and come back to it, it’s really made me think. 

i was out ALL DAY in central london by myself the other day and had been catching up on george’s (memeulous) videos bc there was nothing else in my sub feed that morning and to be honest, i had missed him. call me lame all u want but that lil man has charmed me for several years at this point and he is exactly my type in terms of personality. he even reminds me of that last person i had a crush on which is hilarious, both in terms of personality and stature (HA.) but anyway, i was out alone and the music wasn’t hitting so i turned to podcasts. the sunny podcast has been on hiatus forever and i’ve listened to that enough and the majority of the other podcasts i listen to are fiction ones which i wasn’t in the mood for. so, i went back to the boys and just had so much fun. they’re so silly but i love it, it’s like sitting in a room with your mates and listening to them chat shit. so now i’m sat here writing this with them on in the background slightly upset the channel died (looking at u will) but i digress. 

i was in a major youtube slump last year, apart from my bestie tomska who i have religiously watched for over 10 years now (yikes) i really haven’t kept up with anyone. and then dan and phil games came back and i had a bit more reasons to keep up with it. but I’d fallen out with the eboys for reasons beyond my comprehension. i think something in me was like ‘you’re too old for this’ or something but that’s just so not true. i think part of it was trying to move on from a certain part of my life. i found george and alex specifically through the literal worst person ever so i wonder if leaving them behind was a subconscious effort on my part to put the whole thing behind me which is a lot of what i focused on in therapy. but why let someone else ruin something you love? if i wanna be a teenage boy watching commentary youtubers whilst i play fortnite i will, fuck you. 

i never understand why my hyperfixations die, like i can’t put my finger on it but I’ve had several youtube ones. way way back i was a big dan, phil, chris, and pj girlie but also a big fan of tomska and his crowd at the time. never really been into any of the american youtubers tbh but i was SO into all of that specific british crowd for the majority of my time in high school/college. mostly because i was incredibly lonely and watching their videos made me feel like i had friends. but as with everything i fell off it and into k-pop and kinda moved on from keeping up with any of them religiously. and then i got back into it with george and alex and then kinda went out from there and really reconnected with youtube. especially during lockdown when the eboys and their podcast were big, i loved it. i used to watch them when i had to go to work by myself and be socially distanced from everyone for like 8 hours so again, it was like having my friends there. maybe that’s it, maybe its loneliness. maybe i’m lonely at the moment. idk. but anyway, when the channel died, they all drifted and i drifted too. other than keeping up with last month (tomska) i didn’t rlly pay attention to anything unless i wanted to watch a game play through (big up jacksepticeye.) and then we come to now and it’s like going back in time. dan and phil are back and i’m rewatching 4 20 something men talking about butts. it is like a time capsule actually because i’d forgotten about half the stuff they bring up in the podcast episodes so it’s kinda nice being reminded of all the shit that went down. 

i think i owe a lot of my want to go into like media to people like tomska, because seeing them make videos and stuff with so little that do so well is so inspiring. and he’s genuinely the longest standing youtuber i’ve kept up with, i’ve never dipped off him. i might now tho bc elliot left and i miss him. idk. it’s weird growing up with people you don’t know but feel like you do. like tom got engaged at christmas and that’s just mental to me. 

these people are my friends at this point in my life and yeah i know, parasocial relationships are bad i get it, but i’m not delusional. i’m not stalker level obsessed with any of them and i never have been but i feel a connection to them because i found every single youtuber i love when i was at a horrible awful lonely point in my life so of course it makes sense for me to be connected to them on a slightly deeper level than maybe your average bitch is. but thats not a bad thing i don’t think, like these people arent giving you their ACTUAL lives or personalities, it’s just a small part of them like george doesn't even show his face for fucks sake but that mans my buddy. he doesn't even know me but he’s been there for me when no one else was so of course we’re connected on some level, even if it’s one sided. 

i don’t really know if this has a point, i just wanted to talk about it i guess? i think there’s a part of me that’s ashamed of going back to something like this? like it’s not exactly high media is it. how can i at my ripe old age look someone in the eye and say ‘yeah i’ve been watching a man who wears a bandana chat shit about peoples tattoos for the last 18 minutes, how’re you?’ who in my real life is interested in that? lmao. i said at new years i was going to have less shame about the things i enjoy but this feels like step toooooo far. i guess it is loneliness in a sense, everyone feels like they’re moving on and i’m stuck in a rut of trying desperately to move on too or wondering if i should just die instead. returning to something like this brings me comfort. makes me feel safe. life is so weird man. i’m nearly 27 surely things should be getting better? 

god help whatever i end up writing when it’s my fucking birthday. 

i realise this isn't the most comprehensive thing i’ve ever written but that's not the point so hope u enjoyed the inner workings of my mind! 

peace out homies

eucalyptus xoxo

[icharchivist]

Do you have a favorite unit in Gbf? Just one you like in general or someone you like putting in your party because they're your blorbo or do you just go by the best meta for specific raids?

RANDALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RANDAAAAAAAAAAALL!!!!!!

actually i have like strong feelings on this one but it's 100% SSR Randall i'm obsessed with this unit?? like genuinely obsessed in a way that is more than just "he's a blorbo"?

best boy best boy best-

(i got a little long gushing about it but god i love he)

so like, Randall is a blorbo alright, i adore him, his R was one of my early unit so he carried me and i grew to like him from here, i found his FE super endearing, it's been a day one type of thing. (i really wanted to have Feather bc of seiyuu reasons, so when i saw Randall was his bestie and just really wanted to find Feather, i got into a kinship with him right away)

Then i realized Randall was voiced by Wataru Hatano who is not only a seiyuu i adore but legit also a seiyuu i listen to the music of the most (he voices one of my ultimate blorbo in a3 so obviously i was unwell). and Randall went from "R/SR i really have strong feelings for" to "character i'm ride or die for".

When Marionette Stars came out and they teased Wacchan in the gbf radio show, i was vibrating at the idea of Randall getting a SSR. And then the event happened and his SSR was teased and i absolutely lost my marbles. I don't think i ever just CRIED out of realizing a character was going to become an unit. I was shaking and crying so much even my crew was like. ".... for Randall??" while i was like YEAH OF COURSE FOR RANDALL WHO DO YOU TAKE ME FOR.

I didn't have funds at the time to spark so i skipped on his banner, but best boy decided to come in the free pulls a few weeks later, i'll never forget it.

But honestly originally, i didn't really know how to use him, so he was benched for a time. And it made me so insanely sad that i couldn't use him.

I didn't like playing wind at all (the team i had at the time, which was mostly Blorbos, made it difficult to play in general), and i found his kit a little too particular (with his 3rd skill taking a lot of time to charge up)

But a friend saw I was super sad about it and went "that won't do" and found me a couple of teams that would work to solo FA Bennu with Randall. I found a set up that worked wonders, and I kept watching the raid play out, and it's when i realized how actually SUPER GOOD Randall's unit is?

It works better on long fights, but on short fights he still has very good elements. If he's supported by base!Ewiyar in the back, he's unstoppable, unkillable, and ends up carrying the whole team all on his own.

He has high hostility and a high dodge rate and he activates his first skill upon dodging, which not only hits hard, but also gives him 20% CA charge. So if he's targetted regularly and dodges regularly, he charges his CA super fast.

Upon activating his first skill or his CA, he raises his Heel level, and after he reaches 7 heels level, his 3rd skill activates: it resets his other skills, but especially, ends up activating his CA twice EVERY TURN AFTER THAT. like, constantly. This buff is never removed so he constantly has double CA attack.

So basically once he's in a team that 1) gives him the hostility's spotlight, 2) supports his dodging, 3) charges CA real quick (Kengo, Viking, Relic Buster, or Seofon), he's basically a monster who is constantly hitting the enemy, either out of dodging or out of CAs, and since he gets all the hostility and dodging, the whole team is kept safe.

I've noticed before i got Ewiyar (so his dodgerate wasn't perfect) that i could have flawless run of everyone at full health, but if in a RNG, Randall would die, then the whole team would follow literally two rounds later. Ever since i have Ewiyar, everyone remains in the green all the time and the "Randall dying" RNG is so low that any team with Randall survives for a long long period of time.

I'm actually obsessed with the mechanisms of his unit and just how satisfying it is to watch play out. Like, it's genuinely the unit i have the most fun using because i genuinely feel unstoppable. The fact he's one of my ultimate blorbo in the game add a whole other layer to it.

So i kinda have both blorbo and meta in mind with this one but i genuinely just love how this unit works and how happy it makes me. It singlehandedly made me enjoy playing wind.

I bring Randall out with me sometimes in random outings.

Tho tbh most of my random teams are either level up teams (so as long as i have charas to level up i don't have anything else in it - if i have room for chara i don't need to level up, Tien takes priority, but then Percival or Randall come along for the ride), or farming teams (in which case since i take Tien/R!Richard/Earth!De La Fille with me everywhere it leaves me very little room for characters who wouldn't be able to hit the enemy hard). And when i really need to hit hard at once i usually bring out my Light Team since it's pretty good all around the board.

But whenever i can bring Randall out, i do.

He's definitely the unit that makes me the happiest, both in term of blorbo and in term of how it works. My best boy.

one and only best boy

thank you for asking and for reading my ramble. I care him a lot!!!

[space-ninja-fashion-show]

Hee hoo I finally have the energy to be insane about languages coherently again, let's go >:D

General disclaimer tho, i'm not a Proper Linguist. My education in this stuff is tiny - just standard secondary school grammar classes + one uni semester. The rest is all the power of special interest and personal research

I somehow never considered the fact that the Orokin lived for Way Too Fucking Long, holy shit. Yeah, if you consider that + that at least to me the Orokin feel like the kind to regard the "what we are" part of their culture as already perfect while they continuously upgrade and augment the "what we make" part, I'd say the Orokin language was a downright ancient relic of its time. Whatever new words did need to happen bc of new things getting invented and discovered stubbornly refused loanwords (like the French comparison you made)

I love the comparison of the potential Corpus word for CEO to religious leader/prophet bc that's exactly Nef Anyo's whole idiot deal and I would bet he did also yoink some sort of Orokin word to refer to his and only his title in Corpus as well. I think the CEO (or Board Member) word(s) would be leaning more towards "emperor" and such, but Nef Anyo is specifically hoarding the prophet words

I think a lot of the analytical side of Corpus originally came from leaders v methodically tearing the language to pieces, but even with the best intentions you don't get a language from the get go that just Works and won't get altered by its speakers. So I love the thought that the ppl who either joined the Corpus of their own accord or were forcefully assimilated smoothed out a lot of the rough edges of its analytical parts

My personal take is that "simple" and "complex" (or god forbid "easy" and "hard" - that's a wholeass sidetrack rant I am Not going down rn) is v hard to define when it comes to languages? I mean, what do you consider to be more complex: "I am going to" or "I'mma"? The first one bc it has more words and grammar connections, or the second bc it condenses more meaning into a single word, hiding said connections? Ofc there's the whole thing about English as a bastard lingua franca killing other languages, which in itself is a sort of loss of complexity- anyway. I do think there's a general tendency towards simplicity over time but it's over centuries and less a steady decline and more a bumpy ass road bc while, as you said, a language is unlikely to invent things it has already lost, it sure loves inventing other, new things! Just maybe not to the same extent

Compared to the Grineer, the Corpus seem to have a lot more of a culture of putting big bold writing everywhere and using text decoratively, more similar to the Orokin. Idk if they care much for things like calligrahy, but their signature font is decorative. So emulating that with your handwriting, having the practice and spare time to do so? Yeah, that can v much be a status thing!

I think in terms of shorthand there already are dialects. Obviously the flow of information across the system is eased by a whole bunch of fancy technology, but various Corpus-settled planets are still huge communities in and of themselves that function in a relatively self-contained way (mainly pointing at the different planet-unique enemy types here). And shorthand texts specifically isn't something that gets shared cross-communities much, unless someone moves from one planet to another. So it could v much happen that these dialects become more drastically unique over time! Tho due to the easy flow of both information and ppl to and from other Corpus colonies, it'd need a really long time to happen

(In other news, if you asked random Corpus, most would say that the ones on Jupiter speak with the strongest accent and that it sounds horrible)

I also have no goddamn clue how Orokin society worked bc to me it seems like all of them were high class?? Nobles and leaders and scientists and shit. I feel like at the v least by the last days of their society they were all indeed high ranking ppl who had kinda just appointed themselves to rule over humans with their big golden sense of superiority and an utter refusal to have anything in common with them, not even a single loanword from their languages

All five languages in the game are just English slightly to the left, which makes them easy to generate but also just bad to deal with from a worldbuilding standpoint, so I've simply decided that I'm going to ignore that

Which means that everything is free game and I'm having a good time

(This isn't a comprehensive post on anything but! Here are some Thoughts on Orokin and Corpus for starters if anyone is interested in Pure Linguistic Nonsense)

The official source attributes what we know as the Orokin script* to Tenno culture (going as far as calling it Tennobet) but that source is from 2014, before most of the lore of the game was established at all. Also Orokin script now appears outside of Tenno spaces - namely in various void buildings, and on the Zariman insignia, which predates Tenno culture as a whole

*I'm calling it a script, bc it's technically an abugida, not an alphabet, since it treats consonant-vowel pairs as units and writes vowels over consonants akin to diacritics (accents and whatnot) instead of treating them as equal

So! I consider this script to have been the one in use by Orokin, instead of being Tenno-exclusive

Disconnecting the whole thing from English means i can do whatever i want vis a vis morphological typology (sorting languages based on how they form words) and I very excitedly landed on synthetic, occasionally polysynthetic for Orokin. Synthetic means that they glued together their words from a whole bunch of bits that didn't only mean one specific thing (e.g. a suffix didn't just mean "plural", it meant "plural, inanimate, belongs to the speaker" and if you wanted to instead say "plural, animate, belongs to the speaker" you'd need a completely different suffix). Occasionally polysynthetic means they sometimes took this to the level where entire thoughts could be compressed into a single word, and the suffixes used would sometimes affect each other as well

Reason? Some of the (if not the) only Orokin words with exact translations we have are the new names the Entrati family give each other. They all have their poetic meanings expressed as sentences in English and yet end up as only 2-3 syllables, which really fits with a synthetic/polysynthetic language to me

(You could make the argument that these were actually established names and they're all just quoting etymology, but that doesn't sit well with me for multiple reasons)

As for Corpus!

They trace their roots back to the Orokin, but that's, y'know, thousands of years ago, so A Lot Has Changed. Most of the Corpus language has been artificially made analytic (meaning you don't slap affixes onto words most of the time but simply line them up one after the other) for sake of…let's call it ease

But they still retain traces from the old Orokin ways! They have quite a few root words that can still be traced back to their Orokin counterparts. With how obsessed they are with Orokin shit, I imagine Corpus-Orokin Comparative Linguistics is a well-researched field. Interestingly, despite being mostly analytic, Corpus retains some odd bits of polysynthetic behaviour without joining their morphemes together at all! Meaning sometimes you have a word that means "spaceship" and then you add a separate word that means "<- whatever that inanimate thing is is owned by the speaker", and suddenly the "spaceship" word has taken a completely different form! It's a bit of a mess

(I'm aware that this is also a thing that exists. Russian does it, kinda! But I don't know where Russian gets it from, and I'm telling this this way bc I do know where Corpus gets it from)

There's also some words that have held onto their Orokin roots so much that they still behave as synthetic/polysynthetic! Notably, Orokin has affixes entirely unique to specific words denoting high social class (to use them for any other words would've been a grave insult, and to use anything else for these high class words would've been the same. Unless you're high class yourself, then the first instance can be a joke). One such word has evolved into the Corpus word for "CEO" and retains synthetic behaviour with affixes entirely unique to it

The language has been carefully trimmed to become more impersonal. Not entirely of course, but the average Corpus is a lot more sparing with any words and phrases that aren't objective. They also rarely use diminutives and shortenings of any kind

We only have one example of handwritten Corpus (the John Prodman poster), which is such a neat thing to have! But the Corpus alphabet is clanky as hell to handwrite and I refuse to believe that even in an age of holo-tablets and combat-magic humans have abandoned pen and paper entirely

So how is Corpus handwritten? In shorthand! Shorthands are writing systems (not necessarily alphabets) made to be written as fast as speech or thought, and are usually Very simplified and contain many abbreviations (both official and personal) to achieve this. Corpus handwrite pretty much exclusively in shorthand - handwriting their standard, printed alphabet is more akin to trying to mimic a specific font or do calligraphy if you were to do the same in English. While widely used, shorthand text is considered unprofessional and private, and is overall something that a lot of non-Corpus aren't even aware exists (hence the John Prodman signature mimicking the standard alphabet as well. You want that shit to look nice and be legible)

Okay I'm gonna go rest now, thank you for your time

[orionicchaos]

crying my eyes out over the lgbt protector childe fic . is there any way you could do kazuha and a nonbinary reader? no pressure of course!! thank you for writing things like that its so nice to see

Champs de Lys Jaunes | nb!reader x kaedehara kazuha

× non-binary reader, they/them pronouns used (you are referred as "you" most of the time tho)

× headcanons (coming out, gender dysphoria, when someone is being enbyphobic, with your family, random)

× character : kaedehara kazuha

× this is part of the "LGBTQ+ PROTECTORS" series.

🌺💮

TW : enbyphoby, gender dysphoria (not specific), the agab (assigned gender at birth) is not mentioned, kazuha may be a little ooc but he would just do anything for you tbh, no proofread

other warnings : modern!au, fluff, hurt/comfort, pre-established relationship (he is you bf), kazuha best boy

| resume : bunch of hc about kazuha being the supportive, loving and caring bf for his sweet partner aka you |

a.n. : heyy! Sorry for the late answer, i didn't know how to ask you the questions i wanted to ask about how you wanted me to write this (the same as ajax but nb, something different..) so i was nervous about it but i figured things out... i hope i didn't mess up bc i would never forgive myself haha </3, no bc im nb too but on the masc spectrum so it's easier to refer me as a man and my experience is not the same as every nb person and yeah. Btw that lot more short than ajax's one bc i didn't wanted to go into details fearing i could make mistakes I hope you'll enjoy it!

navi.

Coming out

-you two were already dating when you came out

-first things first, kazuha knows everything. and when i say everything, i mean everything, like he has a sixth sense about anything

-he feels it when you want to ask him on a date, when you try to surprise him with hand-made cookies, hand-made scarves or anything you bought at the store as a gift for him

-it's almost like he can read your mind, but the truth is that he can catch the smallest details, those you don't even notice, then he thinks about it for hours and come to a conclusion

-if he's known you long enough, he may have known before you

-but he won't talk to you about it, and wait until you realize it, and until you come out to him

-to be honest, he's quite nervous about it and hopes he won't mess up, even if he's used to coming out since he has fruity friends (i may or may not be thinking about trans man heizou and bi disaster venti hmm)

-the day you come out to him, he is already prepared for it, internally he's freaking out but he manages to keep his composure and stay calm to not scare you

-as you tell him everything about how you feel, he's rubbing his tumb on the back of you hand to reassure you

-when you're finished, he pulls you into a big hug, wispering sweet and reassuring things in your ear, from "alright baby, hm, i'm so glad you could tell about this", "you'll always be my sweet darling that i love more than anyone" and everything oeoggoa

-he prepared a whole speech, what he would say, what he wouldn't say, but shaky little words of praise are the only thing coming out of his mouth, and he hates himself for it, but forgive him, no matter how much he waited for this moment, he's struggling with emotion lol

-he just wants to be the best for you

-he's just so so sweet, you knew you could trust him and you came out without worrying too much (you were still super nervous)

-but he's better than everything you expected

-if you have preferred pronouns, he will obviously use them and make sure everyone you're out to use them too because you deserve basic respect

-if you change your name he'll quickly get used to it, and just like for your pronouns, he'll make sure no one ever dare to use your deadname, i'll talk about it in another part

-you both spend the day of your co wrapped in you sheets, cuddling, with him stroking your cheeks and you the back of his ears

-the week after your co, all you can hear from him is "i love you" "you're amazing" "my dear sweetheart" something "my lovely darling" that, and little chuckles when you seem about to collapse because of how sweet he is

-your heart beat so fast that weak

-you both are so madly in love

Gender dysphoria

-that part will be random and not specific lol

-when you have gender dysphoria, he quite panicks tbh (internally)

-he did some researches about it, and since he has some trans friends he should know how to deal with it, right?

-the truth is, no, he doesn't know how to deal with your gender dysphoria

-he feels like he can't breath and start panicking when you can't stop feeling bad about yourself, about how you should be more androgynous, masculine feminine, or that something is wrong about your face, your hair...

-he usually start with "you don't owe androgyneity/masculinity/feminity to anybody" and continues with praises and words of love, trying to make you forget about it

-just so you know, you have the entire access to his wardrobe

-but if you need new clothes, his wallet is (not) ready and he's about to go on shopping date with you to the mall

-like i said, he did researches about how to deal with your dysphoria, he watched a lot of videos, read tons of blogs, literraly searched through the whole internet, and came to the conclusion that cuddle sessions are the best thing in the world

-so when you tell him you feel bad, or when he feels like you do, he takes less than ten minutes to prepare the most comfy bed, with a lot a pillows and blanckets, and a hot chocolate or your favourite drink is waiting for you

-when it's somebody who made you feel dysphoric, ah, that person isn't ready

-because at some point, he made a whole ass power point to educate people... but i'll come to that point later

-his love language literally is words of affirmation and physical touch (especially cuddles or wrapping his arms around you)

-sometime he will try to communicate about this and ask you how to make you feel better

-but i feel like he doesn't know how to act when you feel dysphoric, and he'll just try to shower you with love and praise (which can work tbh)

When someone is being enbyphobic/misgender you/etc

-you know, kazuha is calm, polite, but i think he sometimes loses this calm..

-im pretty sure he's 50% of the time about to throw hands™

-at first, he will try to educate the person about the non-binary spectrum, he tells them to use your correct pronouns, and to say sorry

-if the person corrects themselves and says sorry then it'll all good, if you're okay with it he's okay too

-but when that's not the case...

-oh baby, people are not ready to face him when he's angry

-there's two outcomes possible

-first outcome, he gives his biggest "duh you're so stupid omg" look to the person, takes your hand and walks away, when he does NOT have time for people and their bullshits

-second outcomes is no great news o the person

-he'll give them the biggest lecture of their life, sometimes using his power point he saved on his phone....

-when they don't wanna listen he'll start "insulting" them.. yeah, using words they are most likely to not understand, using sarcasm and innuendoes, being passive-aggressive...

-and baby that's not the worst

-like i said, people don't want to face an angry kazuha... mainly because you don't know when he'll lose his temper

-there are a few times when he had to become violent to make them shut the hell up (he physically needed it or otherwize he would have become crazy)

-that happened about three times when he threw a punch or two, because you started crying, it was late and the person started to become violent themselves

-you were shocked, you weren't expecting kazuha to actually punch someone

-the people he punched never bothered you again

-he akways makes sure you're alright after an argument with a stranger/relatives, and also apologizes for losing his temper

-he usually takes your hand in his and rubs you palm softly

(tbh im soft for this man, so glad i get him after losing my fifty fifty)

-yeah so basically, he's calm but don't run on his nerve

-he does anything for you

With your family

-if they are accepting and using your correct pronouns and name, then everything will be fine

-kazuha is like one of the best son-in-laws in the world, 10/10

-good with gids and elders

-even the dogs love him!

-but if your family doesn't accept you..

-he can and will shit talk about them, especially your dumb ass uncle treating you like shit

-your parents hate him and he hates them too, he doesn't give a crap anymore about doing good impression

-whenever you have to go see your family, he goes with you as an emotional support even tho it means he would have to stay at least a bit calm to not give them a lecture every two minutes

-if you still live in the house he'll come as many times he can

-he says he's so close to lose his temper with them but actually he's quite good at acting like nothing happens and just being passive-aggressive (to not stress you out)

-will never ask you to cut ties with them but would be relieved if you do

-he's always here if you want to vent about what your mom or dad said to you again

-will comfort you anytime you feel bad because of them

-a bit savage but he's more calm than most i'd say

Random

-type to do matching outfit with you, with like "they're my partner" on his shirt and "he's my bf" on yours

-yeah very into that

-writes poems about you

-goes to pride with you, and always make sure you stay hydrate and wear sunscreen

-he buys you random items with the non-binary flag on it, like mugs, socks..

-he finds it fun

-before you did your co, he questioned himself too, for three whole weeks (because "a little introspection can't be bad") and tried he/they, turns out he is very much a man and very much prefers he/him

-overall wholesome boyfriend 10/10 i recommend

credit : @orionicchaos

[samsspambox]

luke pearce made me sob as if i haven't been crying all weekend

ima be talking about luke's birthday event story, specifically one scene.

tl;dr: luke could have thought the party popper was gunshot, but maybe i'm reading too much into it (tw: gunshots and insinuations of ptsd)

this image right here made me start crying all over again

this is right after the party popper. he's still surprised and he hugged rosa and said this and i burst out sobbing bc this boy has so much trauma (listen, luke buddy pal amigo, you gotta make me stop crying to your shit. i sobbed at the end of your personal story and you're the only one of the boys that has made me cry)

look, for this to make sense you have to understand that while there's this divide within luke when it comes to him and agent raven, the people that he "hurt" in the name of the NSB won't care about this distinction. they see agent raven and they see someone close to him and decide that that's the person they hurt bc agent raven fucked their shit up and they want revenge.

luke, on a fundamental level, must know this. he has to have lived through countless missions where someone he mildly cared about died. hell, we know how fucking dangerous his job is bc he almost fucking died in one! we know some people didn't fucking make it when it came to the same mission!

i think that's one of the things that he's afraid of when it comes to rosa. in his personal story he revealed that he wasn't even going to try to seek out rosa bc of his thing but i think it also had to do with rosa maybe being targeted by enemies of the state. it's his need to protect rosa that keeps him on edge. (cough cough rosa was experimented on as a child cough cough)

rosa calls him over saying they need some help right? and lowkey in code too. they could say 'come home, our old one' and i get that it's supposed to be cute! but in luke's mind they could have been using it to signal something else? you know that trope of 'i'm doing something out of the ordinary so that you know something is wrong'? YEAH THAT. he's already on edge and ready to jump in action. especially bc this is rosa and he hasn't talked to them all week! he already thinks that they hate him and that he made them mad! (*grabs a spray bottle* bAD LUKE! YOUR FRIENDS LOVE YOU)

and then the party popper happens.

do you see where i'm going with this?

luke's mentality is always in the 'worst case scenario' space. the second he heard that party popper he could have thought of the worst. rosa asked for his help but couldn't divulge the details? all the red flags.

now, i'm not saying that party poppers are loud, hell the tiny ones are offenseless. but we don't know what type of party popper rosa might have had in that moment. but the big ones? the ones for gender reveals? they can be big! or bc some are small, it could be the sound of a silencer?

luke probably thought someone had killed rosa and that he was too late. luke is the type of person that's like "let anything happen to me, but not to the ones i love" type of person. if rosa was gone? he'd break. we saw how a week made him antsy! but obviously rosa was right there so he couldn't have thought that, right?

but you don't just shut off your body's response to that shit, especially when it comes to a trained agent. he hides his agent raven side from rosa, who is to say he won't hide this reaction from them? hes probably so relieved at all of that! that rosa isn't dead and that it was all for him.

or maybe i'm just reading too much into it and he's literally surprised. idk y'all tell me.

thank y'all for coming to my tedtalk. now ill go back to my study hole and work on some physics problems