#i wish i fucked so i could reblog this 😔

[imrllytootiredforthis]

Sub!yuta okkotsu agenda has me in a chokehold rn but there are not that many fics so could you recommend some ? 🖐️🤤

LOVE SUB YUUTA, just let me concur a list of my faves for you rq! some of these are with yuuta and maki but it's still dom reader in all of them

- weekend- maki x yuta x reader

by my bae, @stardustlixie<3, so yummy i wish i could eat it🤤

❥❥❥❥

-Photogenic and Simulator

by @tinytreatsworld, these are so damn good too, probably some of my fave sub yuuta fics

❥❥❥❥

-Granted by fate and bunnyboy, also unnamed (virgin yuuta)

by @darlingpwease

❥❥❥❥

-Chew toy and Guilty pleasure

by @starrierknight 

❥❥❥❥

-unnamed (fic abt yuuta sucking a strap😫) and Like a girl

by @mysicklove, i literally died and came back to life multiple times while reading these, good lord😫

❥❥❥❥

-his girlfriend (also maki x yuuta x reader) and shy horny yuuta (the audio-the fucking audio)

by @entirelytoooobsessed 

❥❥❥❥

-unnamed (fic abt eating out afab yuuta w a new tongue piercing)

by @kokonoihell (legit never felt so sad to have a tongue piercing without yuuta to hold his legs up and let me use it on him😔)

❥❥❥❥

-

there definitely a whole lot more amazing fics out there with sub yuuta, these are just some of my favourites that i have liked, reblogged or in my drafts that i thought i reblogged but never did😭

[ebonystarfall]

Ink!Peng x a reader who was also part of the brotherhood?

Like reader had a similar experience as Macaque and just ran

But Peng was surprisingly attached to reader

So the scroll taunts you about that through Ink!Peng????

Idk this is weird and I’m sorry 😔

A Cursed Taunt

Ink!Peng x Ex-Brotherhood!Reader

Created by: Starlight (Owner 2)

Type of content: Oneshot

Pov: Second

Word count: 652

TW: Mentions of almost getting impaled, Ink!Peng is a fucking sour lemon towards you, taunting, reader doesn’t speak (I apologize).

A/N: I absolutely adore this idea, thanks to anon for suggesting it! Definitely feel like Ink!Peng would blame you endlessly, asking why you left them. Also @starbeamssovereign I know you said no angst...but dearest please give me the option to do so :(

REBLOGS ARE APPRECIATED

A shaky breath escaped your lips as you clustered with the remainder of the crew. Yet, despite your apprehension, your gaze was drawn to the protective curse, its ink shifting and morphing into myriad fantastical creatures. You observed the pilgrims, their discontent and ire manifesting in heated words, glaring down at you all in disgust. Then, your eyes fell upon the Brotherhood. Yellowtusk, once a formidable demon with a gold heart, now bore a gaze that bespoke a fierce desire to strike you from where you stand. You had abandoned the Brotherhood during the assault on the Jade Emperor. Such a betrayal was unforgivable. You were branded a coward.

Yet, an all too familiar voice caught your attention, making you separated from the group. You stood paralyzed in astonishment as you confronted Peng. The birdlike demon emitted a bitter laugh, their glowing blue eyes fixing you with a malevolent glare. No, you could not succumb to this illusion. It was merely the scroll's curse, merely an ink demon, not...not your friend. You tried to seek out MK, or Mei, or anyone who might aid you. But in the newly revealed clearing, there was no one present save you from Peng...or rather, Ink Peng.

“Ah, if it isn’t the cowardly little y/n, even worse then Macaque. Unlike that pathetic rat, you didn’t even join the battle… were you already adamant on leaving the Brotherhood? On leaving me?”

They swung their ji at you, the blade narrowly missing as you leapt aside. They scoffed, using their talons to pin you down, mocking you with cruel laughter.

“Oh, I’m just quivering in fear by you, all mighty and powerful. You didn’t even feel the need to fight! Do you see yourself as better then us, darling?”

You felt the air constrict in your lungs as the ink demon pinned you down. Their talons, though appearing as liquid ink, felt unnervingly lifelike and sharp. You wished to retort but chose to hold your tongue as you looked up at Peng. The inky bird demon grumbled at your silence, releasing you and striking you with their wing.

“You must’ve really lost your power. So pathetic, I swear…” they had scoffed, poking you lightly with their ji.

You rolled your eyes in irritation, attempting to swat the weapon away, only for it to dissolve into ink and then rematerialize as Peng lunged to strike once more, halting a mere instant before impaling you. They laughed, seizing you by the chin and forcing you to look up at them. “You abandoned us to our fate, never once trying to save or free us. Free me. I believed you considered me your… 'best friend.' Clearly, you do not deserve that title at all, little bug.”

The ink demon version of your old comrade suddenly tightened their grip on your chin, then rested their inky yet feathered head against you, giggling mischievously. Their ji remained pointed directly at you. If they pressed just a little too hard…

“Oh, you don’t plan on fighting back? Hm. I should strike you where you stand, stupid worm, if only you hadn’t left me….”

You looked back with a mix of remorse and anger. You yearned to despise this distorted version of your comrade, to push them away and return to your new friends... but the strange warmth emanating from their inky feathers gave you pause. You allowed them to lean on you, even though you were perilously close to being impaled and killed.

This moment with Ink Peng was abruptly interrupted by a loud yell. You presumed it was Mei, slashing her way into the clearing with a new sword. You stared at her in astonishment, even more so when everyone else rushed toward you. But when you turned back to look at the bird demon... they had vanished, as if the protective curse from the scroll had never been near you at all…

[hellcifrogs]

WHAT THE FUCK Y’ALL GET ALL THAT ON DESKTOP HELLO????????

😖 I miss when it was the norm. It was SO chaotic, so beautiful!!

I was going to add some things in the tags, but I please you need to know, because the one thing I remembered I HATED about it was music players! YOU COULD ADD MUSIC TO YOUR BLOG! And some evil souls would add their playlists on auto play which was a huge hilarious problem bc - story time - back then when we wanted reblog things, tumblr would open a new tab and, scrolling down the dash you wouldn't want to miss where you were, we'd open tabs and more tabs of posts to reblog, to then reblog one by one in one go and here things get tricky, because once you rebloged the post, instead of switching back to the dash, tumblr would direct you to the person's blog. Imagine you have 20 tabs open and suddenly 5 of them start playing different songs at the same time, many times on top of whatever YOU were already listening to :)

It worked as tumblr works. To be fair there were some terrible themes, people would make it nearly impossible to navigate their pages "for the aesthetic", but I miss the variety of it so much I wouldn't mind some bad designs. AND ALSO I believe users nowadays would know how to behave with this tool lol I wish Tumblr would bring it back in a way it could work with the app 😔

[moistvonlipwig]

Seeing as you reblogged it again: TV show of your choice for the gen relationships ask game

ok i will do *spins wheel* once upon a time !

My favorite parent-child relationship: Regina & Henry my beloveds.....she loves that kid so much and he loves her back <333 OUAT is literally the story of THEM!!!

My favorite sibling relationship: Okay but [Wish] Hook perpetuating the cycle of abandonment his father started by killing said father and orphaning and abandoning Liam II mere days/weeks before wising up and choosing to stay with baby Alice......Brennan doomed the fuck out of all his sons and then Killian doomed the fuck out of his baby brother because Liam II just wasn't quite enough for him to change. And then Liam II grew up to be just as angry and vengeful as he was. The cycle repeats!!!

My favorite family relationship (other): Regina and Snow's relationship is so incredibly difficult and complex and deep. They know each other better than anyone else does and yet there are parts of each other they still cannot hope to grasp. And there's still so much love there despite everything. I'm obsessed with them.

My favorite friendship between two people: The Wish Hook & Regina friendship that is sprinkled throughout S7 in brief moments and implications haunts my brain. But in terms of friendships that were actually fleshed out in canon, I do enjoy Regina and Emma's relationship despite my problems with Emma as a character. Oh and I also like Regina's friendship with Archie. He's a terrible therapist but he's not a bad friend.

My favorite friendship between a group: Regina and her BFFs the Charmings who are all, to a one, obsessed with her and would kill for her, even though she has tried to kill most of them before on multiple separate occasions. Snow and David and Emma said that's my bestie Regina right there, attempted murder is nothing in the face of our bestieship, and they were so real for that. And you know Baby Neal will almost certainly feel the same. I also really like the S7 squad, I thought that was such a fun oddball group.

My favorite mentorship: The Rumple & Regina relationship and then the Rumple & Alice relationship as a reflection of that relationship are so......like he abused Regina for decades and molded her into a weapon out of spite for his enemy/ex-lover i.e. her mother but he did care about her deep down and she eventually was able to name what he did to her but she still loved him and wanted him to do better but also she still hated him and wanted revenge against him because how could she not. And then years later he stumbles upon the daughter of his other greatest enemy and he almost uses her to free himself of his evil impulses, which she is destined to do so it's basically a fate-approved solution, but he stops himself and says no, that's not fair to her, I need to stop imprisoning teenage girls in metaphorical towers. Like......the layers to that!!!

My favorite rivalry: [Wish] Hook & Rumple spent centuries doing the "recognition of the self through the other (derogatory)" thing and they were so iconic for that, although to be fair they were even more iconic for finally letting it go in favor of "recognition of the self through the other (affectionate)."

My favorite hatred/antipathy: Whatever Snow and Cora had going on was so toxic and complex and full of hate. Juicy as hell. <3

My favorite potential relationship between characters who never talk in canon: Okay I guess Regina & Marian TECHNICALLY talked once before Regina ordered her execution but can you imagine if Marian had actually come back to life through time travel shenanigans instead of it being secretly Zelena all along and she and Regina got to have real conversations and develop a real friendship.......that would be so good. 😔 OUAT S1-6 give a fuck about women of color challenge

[hekateinhell]

Since you reblogged the kinktober prompt list, do you have any ideas yet of what you wanna do? I’d love to hear if so!!

ugh no promises because I always get SO EXCITED and have the BEST INTENTIONS lol like I genuinely believe I'm going to do everything I say I'm going to do and then life happens (like I wanted to write so much for Vamptember like I did last year and then I got sick as hell for 2 weeks and spent this past week recovering and now it's over tomorrow so I feel like a failure 😦)

tbh of course I wish I could do all the prompts!!!! but I feel like I'm especially gravitating toward things that I haven't tried before because I love the challenge 😂

so far I'm really drawn to nipple play, fuck machine, mirror sex, sex pollen/aphrodisiac, and religious play

the last one mostly because I just wanna write human AU priest!lestat getting double penetrated on the altar by louis and armand, robes hiked up around his hips and everything!!

forgive me father, for I have sinned and I intend to do it again 😔

*if you don't already know, these prompts are for @vampirefest's kinktober event!

[arttrampbelle]

Like i wish people who actually write for and like mk11 and the older games would reblog my stuff instead of these blogs who wrote for only the new mortal kombat (shitty mk1/mk12) game.

Like i really do.

Can't people who actually care and not pretend to care about mk11 reblog and interact?

Because i dont trust anyone minus a few people on here (one, two,or even three blogs) actually truly interact with my mk stuff.

It's disheartening to me. 😔

Like i don't wanna interact with anyone talking about the new game. Especially if they are blindly praising it. Which i see a lot more of than valid criticism and talking about what they like and what could be improved upon.

I dunno man. Like as shitty as mk11's storymode was. At least it was entertaining. Mk12/mk1 2023,it just feels like such a downgrade. Like it's trying to hard to be something else. Like it's trying to hard to be a movie and not a game.

Mk11 was unfortunately the same thing. But the key difference is they attempted. And there is enough to the game you can ignore the story.

You cant do that with mk1 2023. You are forced to play How NRS wants you to play. No 1v1. Renamed towers when there was nothing wrong with calling it towers. Like they are erasing what makes mortal kombat mortal kombat. And different from other games.

People will argue "wHsT AbOuT FAtaLiTiES?" Well you can only slide with that gimmick for so long before it gets boring. Violence is everywhere in games now,people have become so desensitized to it. Like i love gore n horro as much as the next guy but come on. What else do you really gotta offer nrs? You got nothing,NOTHING!!! . And not to mention,this game series has been out for FUCKING 30 YEARS!!!!! LOOK SHIT UP DO YOU FUCKING RESEARCH. IT TAKE ONE FUCKING CLICK ON THE SEARCH ENGINE YOU TWATS! and in those 30yrs nothing has been added that actually is worth a lick of salt to the story that isn't trope. Boons writing hasn't changed since the 90s. Only a few thing they changed so they dont get sued or canceled on social media. Bare fucking minimum.

Ugh.

30yrs and they still doing the same shit. Same story. Same ENDINGS. Same ol same ol bullshit different candy shit flavored wrapper.

[etherealising]

are you sick of me yet? because i am BACK BABY and i brought probably way too much commentary - but i really can’t help it i gots to scream into the void to cope🤠

my heart could never grow sick of you!!!! i don’t make the rules, but we’re like internet besties now!!

i also just love media analysis and your commentary is so interesting! your reblogs of my reblogs truly give me life, you are such a lovely soul and you have written something so incredible/special and i love chatting w you about it!!

you read my reblogs??? wow you’re the sweetest. i’m glad my little maladaptive daydreams have made such an impact on my life i could literally cry : ( but like you don’t even understand i get so happy when i see your name in my notis like i scream while reading your analyses i literally had to walk away before i could start reading this one and i never want them to end, so thank you for taking the time out of your day to be delulu with me!!! 😭😭

also you have such a talent for picking gifs - this one had me breathing so heavy fr.

i had to rewatch the episode with this gif for “writing purposes” and when i tell you i rewinded it so many times after i caught it.

i want to go to there👄

me too besties 😪

holy damn batman i was not prepared to be slapped in the face with my own personal toxic traits LOL. i will never admit out loud how much i relate to carmy because it is embarrassing sjsjsjsjsjs

relating to carmy is not a flex but its my life so…we live

wow he really is in his dumb bitch era huh?

carmy was taking online courses for dumb bitchery while going to culinary school. 🤡

oh my fucking god he forgot to take the present huh? he forgot to take the present that HE DOESNT EVEN DESERVE HUH? when the dumb bitch is dumb bitching🤦🏻‍♀️

bestie I WISH he forgot to take the present, it would probably hurt less

he,,,, doesn’t even remember? seeing a package? from his home? and he still doesn’t remember? its probably a safe bet to assume that he didn’t ever end up getting baby a christmas present then. shaking my DAMN HEAD.

right like no offense but this man probably rarely received packages from home in canon + its only like a month later boy really said outta sight outta mind with this one

PURPOSELY?! PURPOSELY?! i’m going to throw hands oh my god.

YES PURPOSELY?!?! after the cute intimate moment they had this bitch left his present!!!

he has to hold the record for having the shortest lived redemption era of all time.

it was definitely in the millisecond time range.

stay toxic king!

‘stay toxic king!’ you have no idea how hard i am laughing, i am crying atp

I FUCKING KNEW IT. I FUCKING CALLED IT!!! god this is so smart honestly because he’s already so attached to his knives, esp in the first season and so this just makes sense🤌🏼

right, i read your last reblog and was waiting for someone to guess and you did, and you got it right! also i debated on the gift because idk wtf you get someone like carmy and then i realized neither would baby because they haven’t spoken in five years lol

get a load of this fucking guy - maybe that’s why you read things when you’re gifted them dickhead🤦🏻‍♀️

no, carmy likes to add extra seasoning to his letters, that’s why he drenched it then almost burned it right after. just the way he likes! 😋

JUSTICE FOR BABY!!! JUSTICE. FOR. BABY!!!!!

that letter was a personal attack on carmy, change my mind.

oh did you hear that? that was the sound of my heart shattering on the floor!

‘the hoes gone love this’ -actual footage of me writing this line.

that answers that question, i love that he went through all this trouble just to bitch out in the end. very on brand - so very painfully on brand.

carmy berzatto: “the best christmas present is the one you don’t send.” 😄

OH. MY. GOD. it’s what HE deserves but is it what I deserve? smh i’m not the one in my dumb bitch era that’s a lie

no, you deserve better i’m sorry i failed you 😔 try dumb bitch lifetime babes

honestly tho he really did deserve to get clowned like this. this story is curing my depression over not having any new episodes.

if carmy deserves anything in this universe its to be clowned. thank you so much for reading my work, you’re reblogs really does inspire me to keep writing. 💜

interlude zero | dear carmy

↢ previous chapter | next chapter ↣ | masterlist

pairing: carmen berzatto x self-sabotage | carmen berzatto x fem!reader

summary: a look into carmy's life and thought process in the aftermath of the berzatto family christmas.

warnings: angst | fluff | self-sabotage | pining | toxic workplace | language | smoking | low self-esteem | self-doubt

wc: 4.6k

thank you for all the love and support, please enjoy this first special chapter dedicated to all of you! 💜

January 2019

Carmy sat on the fire escape of his New York apartment, cigarette hanging loosely from his lips, the sun slowly setting behind all the high-rise buildings. It wasn’t the best view but it allowed him to take advantage of the somewhat fresh air New York had to offer. He had been out there for quite a bit now on his second cigarette in 15 minutes.

His thoughts were racing as they usually did, never being spared a quiet moment from his thoughts. His head raced with ideas he’d thought about trying in the kitchen, thoughts about a new tattoo he was hoping to get, wondering when Mikey would finally see how far he’d come. His mind pushed forth anything and everything he could think of, all so the slideshow in his head kept what happened a month ago between the two of you in the dark recesses of his mind.

Carmy told himself that if he didn’t think about the things he wasn’t ready to resolve, then there was no way that they could hurt him, no way that they could force their way out and get him to admit that they indeed were a part of his reality. Accountability wasn’t Carmy’s strong suit, and over the years when it came to the two of you, he felt it best to sweep things under the rug, no point in prodding at old wounds if the friendship between the two of you was well past saving.

He sat there as the sky transitioned colors; blue bleeding into orange, a sunset he knew you would’ve appreciated. Cigarette already burned out, the poison coating his lungs helping to warm his body from the chill that was settling in the air. There was a knock on his apartment door, the unit was so small that even sitting on the fire escape made him feel like he was right next to the door. He ignored it, no one ever stopped by his place, it’s not like he was inviting coworkers back to his place or anything, if it was important they’d come back tomorrow. The knock sounded again, and again Carmy ignored it, his knee bouncing up and down as he hoped whatever nuisance at his door took the hint to leave.

Carmen Berzatto was never lucky enough to get what he wanted. An incessant knocking began on the front door with no indication that the strings of knocks would be stopping soon. Hands running down his face Carmy aggressively stood up from his chair, if he wanted to be bothered at home he would’ve put a fucking welcome mat outside of his door. He reached the door twisting the knob and yanking it open, he frowned at the sight of legs, face covered by the package in their hands.

“Package here for a uh, Carmen Burzetto.” The mispronunciation of his last name caused Carmy to cringe. He nodded at the delivery person wanting to end this interaction as quickly as possible, he was presented with a package slip and pen quickly signing his name without paying attention. The package was handed off to Camry, tucking it under his arm he closed the door not giving the delivery person another second.

Walking to his kitchen Carmy set the box on his countertop confused at what it could be. He never ordered shit so he knew this wasn’t of his own volition, he found the packing sticker, the return address of his family home jumping out at him. He grabbed his only knife, cutting the box open. He could only assume that the package was from his mom, and what she felt the need to send him he had no clue.

Setting the knife to the side he quickly removed the medium-sized box covered in bubble wrap. Tearing at the protective wrap, he stopped as he realized exactly what he was looking at. Sitting on his counter staring back at him was a matte black box with a matching bow and envelope addressed to him; a box he had purposely left behind a month ago, the same night he had left you.

He checked the bottom of the now empty box the gift arrived in, hoping to find some sort of return slip, only to come up short. His gaze fell back on the present, hands moving up to tug at his hair. He couldn’t open it, didn’t think he deserved to. Not after having left you to wake up in a lonely bed the day after Christmas, no apology or excuse just you and a confused Richie wondering how he had suddenly been roped into dropping you off at the airport. Not with all the disappointment he had caused, he wasn’t worthy of the kindness you had shown him time and time again.

Carmy paced around his tiny kitchen, he could always ask Sugar or Mikey for your address. Returning the present he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he accepted. You were a great gift giver, so great in fact he had your gifts in a designated box that traveled with him everywhere he went the last couple of years; even Copenhagen a box of memories taking up space in the small boat house. Memories from the person who had held his heart long before he realized it for himself.

He stopped in front of the box, hands resting on his hips debating the pros and cons of opening the gift. In a way he owed it to you to open the box, sending it back would’ve just made him an even bigger asshole than he probably already was in your book. His hands reached out pausing on the edge of the countertop to calm the shaking. When he deemed himself stable enough he reached up to untie the velvet bow, the softness that caressed his fingers reminding him of what it had felt like to hold your neck in his hand as he thumbed the ink stain behind your ear.

How his breath hitched as you shamelessly told him the small letter permanently inked into your skin could have represented his last name if he wanted it to. Losing himself to memories, he wondered what would have ensued had he taken up your offer to let the brand on your skin represent a part of him. He had wanted to give in, wanted to paint your skin with more than a letter that he knew, in reality, had nothing to do with him. It confused him all the same though, hearing those words leave your lips felt like a cruel joke to him. He was just a grown-up version of the little boy that had been your best friend, was sure you were just in need of a distraction, and Carmy had laid the perfect opportunity in your lap by inviting you to spend the night with him.

He broke from his reverie dropping the loosened bow from his grasp, eyes landing on your pretty cursive that painted the black envelope with his name. His fingers traced over the letters, the closest thing he had to touching you at this moment. Holding the envelope in his hand Carmy’s gaze burned into it before setting it off to the side. He was already opening your present, he didn’t think he had the guts to find out what was hidden inside the ominous black envelope.

Carmy took one more deep breath before removing the top of the box from its joined position with the bottom part. Carefully unfolding the tissue paper to not rip it, he uncovered two decent-sized velvet bags with the logo reading ‘Made in’ in gold foil. Carmy carefully removed the two bags from the box, pushing the empty box off the countertop to make room. He opened the first bag confused at what was in his hands for a moment before something clicked and he sat the block upright. Grabbing the second bag he took out the heavy roll laying it down before quickly unrolling it, the unblemished metal reflecting the kitchen light onto his face.

He sat his hands on the counter, head dropping between his shoulders as he let out a deep sigh. He knew this had to have cost you a pretty penny, he could tell just by looking at the knife set. Unable to help himself he pulled the Chef Knife out, testing the weight of it in his hands, he carefully looked over the tool, appreciating the wood-like finish of the handle. Before he could return the knife to its rightful place his eyes caught sight of an engraving on the handle. Holding the knife up to his eyes he felt his breath hitch as he took in the letters, fingers ghosting of the initials ‘C.B.’ that had been a personal touch. One by one he removed the other three knives only to find that they had all indeed been engraved with his initials.

Carmy threw his head back, eyes staring at the ceiling as a sorrowful laugh escaped his lips. He felt a tightness in his chest as he tried to come to terms with what you had gifted him. The thoughtfulness and the care that you put into this gift proved to him that you had always been a better friend than he had ever been to you. The fact that you had gone out of your way to get his initials engraved into the set, something he knew definitely cost extra, squeezed at his chest. He wasn’t good at this shit and he hated it because you were, it came easy to you, the caring, the friendship, everything.

Carmy came back to earth choosing a spot to showcase his new knife set and block. Just because he didn’t have any guests over didn’t mean Carmy himself didn’t want to be able to marvel at the gift every time he came home. Unconsciously positioning them so they were the first thing his eyes landed on as soon as he stepped through the door. He stood there for some time just admiring the set, envelope lying forgotten on the countertop as he mentally berated himself for all the mistakes he made with you.

April 2019

Carmy had just returned home after a particularly rough shift. His chef coat was stained with whatever concoction his co-worker had spilt on him. Carmy felt like everything that could go wrong in the kitchen during his shift, did. He felt like he was off his game, constantly striving to be the best in the kitchen, working his ass off to show how much he belonged, how much he deserved to be there. The praise he desired was nowhere to be found instead being told he was “a worthless fucking idiot not even McDonald’s would hire.”

Not even the knife set he had set up three months ago could raise his spirits. He had half a mind to knock the fucking thing over, the metal mocking him the longer he stared in its direction. He threw his soiled chef coat on the cheap dining table chair he had acquired making his way to the fire escape, a much-needed smoke on his mind.

Sometimes he wondered what would happen if he just decided to give it all up one day. He never would, he knew that, but sometimes he just needed a few ‘what ifs’ to help calm him down. He would regret it, that’s what would happen and he’d probably be more miserable without it in his life than he was with it. He sat on the fire escape for a while burning through three cigarettes in all with the stress he was feeling.

Moving back into the apartment he made his way to the kitchenette hoping to make himself a quick PB&J and call it a night. He removed a cup from his dish drain running it under the faucet to refresh himself. He drank a quarter of the cup before moving to set it down on the countertop, hand missing by an inch as he practically slammed the glass into the countertop, the cup breaking on impact as his mail fell victim to the flood.

Carmy let out a sharp curse, the feeling of being cut racing through his palm as he dropped the remaining glass from his grasp. For a moment he just watched as his mail soaked up the water, before grabbing the closest dish towel and doing his best to clean up the mess. He dried the mail as best he could snatching it up to sit atop the little dining table where the air from the open window could hit it. Carmy glanced down at his palm, the cut was not deep enough to warrant any stitches, he used the damp dish towel as a makeshift bandage and wrapped his hand.

A black water-stained envelope caught his eye stopping him momentarily before he rushed to grab it, the lettering on the front already smeared and unreadable, “Fuck!” The loud curse reverberated off of his apartment walls as he ran to quickly flick on his stovetop, hoping the heat would help to dry out the contents. He stood over the stove envelope dangling over the burner careful to not let it get close enough to catch fire. If there was ever a day to finally face what he had been avoiding and open this damn envelope, today seemed like as good a day as any.

Zoning out Carmy stood there racking his brain for what the envelope could contain. A traditional Christmas card would have been the easiest thing to find in there, but he knew you didn’t do easy. That’s why he allowed the envelope to age on his countertop, whatever you had sealed into the sleek black pocket would be a tough pill for him to swallow.

The singe of his thumb brought him back to reality, the heat of the burner licking at his fingers burning his forefinger and thumb as he unconsciously dropped the envelope right onto the stovetop. “Shit! Fuck me!” The expletives left his lips as he forcefully plucked the envelope from its position and played hot potato with it before he was able to get it to the countertop. He brought his fingers to his lips aiming to soothe the throbbing in them.

Carmy stood with his hands on his hips, angry breaths leaving his nostrils as he tried to keep the slim thread of his calmness in check. Snatching the singed envelope from the countertop he made sure he still had a pack of cigarettes in his jean pocket before making his way out to his normal spot on the fire escape. The cheap lawn chair he had sat out there was a welcoming sight.

Plopping down in the chair Carmy lit a much-needed cigarette before stilling his shaking hands and delicately opening the envelope, not wanting to ruin something that had once been in your hands. He was right, things with you were never easy, because what he was hoping to be some cheesy Christmas card, was instead a folded letter with your pretty cursive dancing across the pages.

Head tilting towards the sky as Carmy tried to find strength in the cosmos, the weight of the letter settled into his lap where he had placed it to gain his bearings before diving straight in. Focusing back on the pages he carefully straightened them out; slight water damage had seeped through them but not enough to ruin them. Taking one last deep breath Carmy began reading the letter.

𝑫𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝑪𝒂𝒓𝒎𝒚,

𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒍𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒆 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒏 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒃𝒂𝒃𝒍𝒚 𝒏𝒆𝒄𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒂𝒓𝒚. 𝑰𝒕'𝒔 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒅𝒐𝒏’𝒕 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒂𝒚 𝒕𝒐 𝒚𝒐𝒖. 𝑰𝒏𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒂𝒅, 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅 𝑰 𝒘𝒊𝒔𝒉 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒔𝒆𝒆𝒎𝒔 𝒕𝒐𝒐 𝒊𝒎𝒑𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒇𝒊𝒏𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 𝒐𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒑𝒂𝒈𝒆. 𝑲𝒊𝒏𝒅 𝒐𝒇 𝒊𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒊𝒄 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰’𝒎 𝒂 𝒋𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒕 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒏’𝒕 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏 𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐𝒈𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒂 𝒇𝒆𝒘 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅𝒔 𝒊𝒏 𝒂 𝒍𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒐 𝒂 𝒇𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒅. 𝑫𝒐 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏 𝒄𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒂𝒚, 𝑪𝒂𝒓𝒎𝒚? 𝑨𝒕 𝒎𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒔 𝑰 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒄𝒆𝒅 𝒎𝒚𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒍𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒂 𝒘𝒂𝒔𝒕𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆, 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒍𝒂𝒔𝒕 𝒅𝒆𝒔𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒂𝒕𝒆 𝒑𝒍𝒆𝒂 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒆𝒆 𝒎𝒆, 𝒕𝒂𝒍𝒌 𝒕𝒐 𝒎𝒆, 𝒓𝒆𝒎𝒆𝒎𝒃𝒆𝒓 𝒎𝒆.

𝑺𝒐𝒓𝒓𝒚, 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒍𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅𝒏’𝒕 𝒃𝒆 𝒂 𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍 𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝒐𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒆𝒓, 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕’𝒔 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒇𝒂𝒊𝒓 𝒊𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒏𝒐 𝒘𝒂𝒚 𝒕𝒐 𝒅𝒆𝒇𝒆𝒏𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇. 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒔𝒐 𝒎𝒖𝒄𝒉 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒂𝒚 𝒕𝒐 𝒚𝒐𝒖, 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒊𝒇 𝑰 𝒑𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒔𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅𝒔 𝒐𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒑𝒂𝒈𝒆 𝑰 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒐𝒏𝒍𝒚 𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒆 𝑰 𝒘𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒈𝒆𝒕 𝒊𝒏 𝒓𝒆𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒏 𝒊𝒔 𝒉𝒖𝒓𝒕 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑰 𝒅𝒐𝒏’𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒌 𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒏 𝒌𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝒅𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒎𝒚𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇. 𝑰 𝒅𝒐𝒏’𝒕 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒊𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖’𝒍𝒍 𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒖𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒍𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓, 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒅𝒆𝒄𝒊𝒅𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒅𝒐 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒔𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅𝒔 𝒐𝒏𝒄𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒚’𝒓𝒆 𝒊𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒑𝒐𝒔𝒔𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒊𝒔 𝒏𝒐 𝒃𝒖𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒔 𝒐𝒇 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒆.

𝑰 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒔𝒊𝒕 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒂𝒔𝒌 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒒𝒖𝒆𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔 𝑰’𝒗𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒅𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒂𝒏𝒔𝒘𝒆𝒓, 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆𝒏’𝒕 𝒅𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒖𝒔 𝒇𝒂𝒓. 𝑺𝒐 𝒘𝒉𝒚 𝒘𝒂𝒔𝒕𝒆 𝒎𝒚 𝒆𝒏𝒆𝒓𝒈𝒚 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒊𝒏𝒌 𝒐𝒇 𝒎𝒚 𝒇𝒂𝒗𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒆 𝒇𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒊𝒏 𝒑𝒆𝒏 𝒐𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕?

𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒉𝒖𝒓𝒕 𝒎𝒆, 𝑪𝒂𝒓𝒎𝒚. 𝑰 𝒃𝒓𝒖𝒔𝒉𝒆𝒅 𝒊𝒕 𝒐𝒇𝒇 𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒇𝒊𝒓𝒔𝒕 𝒐𝒏𝒆-𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅 𝒕𝒆𝒙𝒕, 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒃𝒖𝒔𝒚 𝑪𝒂𝒓𝒎𝒚, 𝑰 𝒖𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒐𝒅.

𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒕𝒆𝒙𝒕 𝒘𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝒖𝒏𝒂𝒏𝒔𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒅, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒎𝒚 𝒄𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒔 𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒈𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒗𝒐𝒊��𝒆𝒎𝒂𝒊𝒍. 𝑨𝒏𝒅 𝑰 𝒅𝒆𝒇𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖, 𝒎𝒂𝒅𝒆 𝒖𝒑 𝒆𝒙𝒄𝒖𝒔𝒆𝒔 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒘𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒆 𝒐𝒇𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒖𝒅𝒅𝒆𝒏 𝒄𝒐𝒍𝒅 𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅𝒆𝒓 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒓𝒆𝒄𝒆𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈. 𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒘𝒆𝒆𝒌𝒔 𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒏𝒆𝒅 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒐 𝒎𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒉𝒔, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒎𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒉𝒔 𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒏𝒆𝒅 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒐 𝒂 𝒚𝒆𝒂𝒓. 𝑨𝒏𝒅 𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒘𝒆 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒇𝒊𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒔 𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒓, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒏’𝒕 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏 𝒓𝒆𝒎𝒆𝒎𝒃𝒆𝒓 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒗𝒐𝒊𝒄𝒆 𝒖𝒔𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒆𝒙𝒑𝒍𝒂𝒊𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂 𝒅𝒊𝒔𝒉 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒔𝒐 𝒆𝒙𝒄𝒊𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒓𝒚.

𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝒆𝒍𝒆𝒄𝒕𝒓𝒊𝒄 𝒃𝒍𝒖𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒆𝒚𝒆𝒔 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒍𝒐𝒔𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒎𝒆, 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒐𝒇𝒕 𝒘𝒂𝒚 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒔𝒎𝒊𝒍𝒆 𝒂𝒕 𝒎𝒆 𝒔𝒆𝒆𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒍𝒚 𝒈𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓. 𝑨𝒏𝒅 𝒑𝒊𝒄𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒆𝒔 𝒅𝒐𝒏’𝒕 𝒅𝒐 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒆, 𝑰 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘, 𝒚𝒐𝒖’𝒓𝒆 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒂 𝒘𝒂𝒔𝒉𝒆𝒅-𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒐𝒇 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝑰 𝒏𝒐 𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘.

𝑨𝒏𝒅 𝑰 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘, 𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒌 𝒂𝒕 𝒎𝒆, 𝑰 𝒔𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆 𝒅𝒆𝒔𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒂𝒕𝒆 𝒔𝒕𝒖𝒑𝒊𝒅 𝒈𝒊𝒓𝒍 𝒃𝒆𝒈𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒃𝒐𝒅𝒚 𝒕𝒐 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒉𝒆𝒓. 𝑩𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕’𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈, 𝑪𝒂𝒓𝒎𝒚 𝒊𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒌𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝒑𝒖𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒘𝒂𝒚 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒑𝒆𝒐𝒑𝒍𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖, 𝒘𝒉𝒐’𝒍𝒍 𝒃𝒆 𝒍𝒆𝒇𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒕𝒆𝒄𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒇𝒓𝒐𝒎 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇?

𝑰𝒕’𝒔 𝒃𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒇𝒊𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒔 𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒄𝒆 𝒘𝒆 𝒍𝒂𝒔𝒕 𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒌𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝑰 𝒂𝒎 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒂𝒏 𝒊𝒅𝒊𝒐𝒕 𝒗𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉 𝒅𝒐𝒛𝒆𝒏𝒔 𝒐𝒇 𝒑𝒐𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒂𝒍 𝑪𝒉𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒎𝒂𝒔 𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒔 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒇𝒊𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒌 𝒊𝒔 𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒇𝒆𝒄𝒕 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖. 𝑾𝒂𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒎𝒚 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆 𝒘𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 ���𝒐𝒖 𝒂 𝒍𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒎𝒂𝒚 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅 𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒂𝒅 𝒐𝒇 𝒆𝒅𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒎𝒚 𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒍𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒄𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒍𝒐𝒔𝒆𝒔𝒕 𝑰’𝒗𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒊𝒏 𝒂 𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆.

𝑰 𝒎𝒊𝒔𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝑪𝒂𝒓𝒎𝒚, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒊𝒕 𝒉𝒖𝒓𝒕𝒔. 𝑰𝒕 𝒉𝒖𝒓𝒕𝒔 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑰 𝒂𝒄𝒉𝒊𝒆𝒗𝒆 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒇𝒊𝒓𝒔𝒕 𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒏𝒆𝒘𝒔 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒊𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖. 𝑰𝒕 𝒉𝒖𝒓𝒕𝒔 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑴𝒊𝒌𝒆𝒚 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑵𝒂𝒕, 𝒉𝒆𝒍𝒍 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏 𝑹𝒊𝒄𝒉𝒊𝒆 𝒃𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒖𝒑 𝒊𝒏 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒅 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒚 𝒄𝒍𝒖𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒇𝒖𝒄𝒌 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒚’𝒓𝒆 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏 𝒕𝒂𝒍𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕. 𝑰𝒕 𝒉𝒖𝒓𝒕𝒔 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏 𝒂𝒇𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒇𝒊𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒔 𝒂𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝑰 𝒇𝒊𝒏𝒅 𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒍𝒆 𝒑𝒊𝒆𝒄𝒆𝒔 𝒐𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒄𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒅 𝒂𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅 𝒎𝒚 𝒂𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕. 𝑰𝒕 𝒉𝒖𝒓𝒕 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒅 𝒂𝒏𝒔𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒎𝒚 𝒄𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒔, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒊𝒕 𝒉𝒖𝒓𝒕 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒘𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒇𝒊𝒍𝒆 𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒓𝒚 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝑱𝒂𝒎𝒆𝒔 𝑩𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒅 𝑨𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒅 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝑹𝒊𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝑺𝒕𝒂𝒓 𝑪𝒉𝒆𝒇. 𝑰 𝒃𝒆𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒏’𝒕 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏 𝒂𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒏𝒐 𝒎𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒉𝒐𝒘 𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒕𝒓𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐 𝒑𝒖𝒔𝒉 𝒎𝒆 𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆, 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒉𝒂𝒖𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒆.

𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉 𝑪𝒂𝒓𝒎𝒆𝒏, 𝑰 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒄𝒂𝒏’𝒕 𝒔𝒆𝒆𝒎 𝒕𝒐 𝒈𝒆𝒕 𝒎𝒚𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇 𝒕𝒐 𝒉𝒂𝒕𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖. 𝑨𝒏𝒅 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒕𝒆 𝒎𝒚𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕. 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒕𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒎𝒊𝒔𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒘𝒂𝒊𝒕 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒄𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒔. 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒕𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒌 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒊𝒏 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚 𝒅𝒂𝒕𝒆 𝑰 𝒂𝒈𝒓𝒆𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒈𝒐 𝒐𝒏. 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒕𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒏𝒐𝒃𝒐𝒅𝒚 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒆𝒔 𝒕𝒐 𝒚𝒐𝒖. 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒕𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒌 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒐 𝒎𝒖𝒄𝒉 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒖𝒎𝒆 𝒎𝒚 ��𝒊𝒏𝒅 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒖𝒕𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒅𝒂𝒚. 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒕𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒍𝒂𝒔𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝑰 𝒔𝒆𝒆 𝒃𝒆��𝒐𝒓𝒆 𝑰 𝒈𝒐 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒍𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒇𝒊𝒓𝒔𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒔𝒆𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒖𝒑 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒑𝒊𝒄𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒖𝒔 𝒂𝒕 𝒈𝒓𝒂𝒅𝒖𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏. 𝑰 𝒈𝒖𝒆𝒔𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒐𝒏𝒆'𝒔 𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒅𝒂 𝒎𝒚 𝒇𝒂𝒖𝒍𝒕 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒕 𝒖𝒑. 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒕𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒎𝒚 𝒆𝒇𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒕 𝒉𝒂𝒔 𝒃𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈. 𝑾𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒕𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒐𝒔𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒐𝒏, 𝒎𝒚 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒄𝒂𝒏’𝒕 𝒔𝒆𝒆𝒎 𝒕𝒐 𝒍𝒆𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒈𝒐.

𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒃𝒓𝒐𝒌𝒆 𝒎𝒚 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝑪𝒂𝒓𝒎𝒆𝒏 𝑩𝒆𝒓𝒛𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒐. 𝑨𝒏𝒅 𝑰’𝒅 𝒍𝒆𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒅𝒐 𝒊𝒕 𝒂 𝒉𝒖𝒏𝒅𝒓𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆𝒔 𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒊𝒇 𝒊𝒕 𝒎𝒆𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒌𝒆𝒆𝒑𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆. 𝑴𝒂𝒌𝒆𝒔 𝒎𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍 𝒇𝒖𝒄𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒅𝒖𝒎𝒃, 𝒅𝒐𝒆𝒔𝒏’𝒕 𝒊𝒕?

𝑾𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒂 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝒂 𝒋𝒐𝒌𝒆? 𝑨𝒔 𝑰’𝒎 𝒘𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒍𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒔𝒆 𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒚 𝒄𝒊𝒈𝒂𝒓𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒔𝒐 𝒎𝒖𝒄𝒉 𝒃𝒖𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈, 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒓𝒆𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒅 𝒎𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖. 𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒎𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒎𝒆 𝒇𝒖𝒄𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒑𝒂𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒕𝒊𝒄 𝑪𝒂𝒓𝒎𝒆𝒏 𝑩𝒆𝒓𝒛𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒐.

𝑰𝒕'𝒔 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒒𝒖𝒊𝒕𝒆 𝒇𝒂𝒊𝒓 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒍𝒂𝒎𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉 𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒊𝒔 𝒊𝒕? 𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝒃𝒍𝒂𝒎𝒆 𝒍𝒊𝒆𝒔 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒎𝒚 𝒘𝒆𝒂𝒌 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒚 𝒊𝒕 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒃𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒔 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏 𝒂𝒔𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒕 𝒕𝒐.

𝑵𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒍𝒔 𝒎𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖’𝒍𝒍 𝒃𝒆 𝒊𝒏 𝑪𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒉𝒂𝒈𝒆𝒏 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝑪𝒉𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒎𝒂𝒔, 𝒉𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒇𝒖𝒍𝒍𝒚, 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒈𝒆𝒕𝒔 𝒕𝒐 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒐𝒏 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆. 𝑩𝒆𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒆 𝑰 𝒈𝒐 𝑰 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒂𝒚 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒌 𝒚𝒐𝒖.

𝑻𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒌 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒐𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒎𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒚𝒐𝒖. 𝑻𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒌 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒎𝒂𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒐𝒔𝒕 𝒅𝒊𝒇𝒇𝒊𝒄𝒖𝒍𝒕 𝒚𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒔 𝒐𝒇 𝒎𝒚 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆 𝒘𝒆𝒍𝒍 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒉 𝒍𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈. 𝑻𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒌 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒖𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒏𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒎𝒆, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒑𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒎𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆 𝒎𝒚𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇 𝒓𝒆𝒈𝒂𝒓𝒅𝒍𝒆𝒔𝒔 𝒐𝒇 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒂𝒏𝒚𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒆𝒍𝒔𝒆 𝒉𝒂𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒂𝒚.

𝑼𝒍𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒚 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉 𝑪𝒂𝒓𝒎𝒚, 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒌 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒃𝒆𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒍𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒎𝒆 𝒖𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒓𝒆. 𝑻𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒌 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒐𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒎𝒆 𝒂 𝒓𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒐𝒑𝒑𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒖𝒏𝒊𝒕𝒚 𝒇𝒆𝒘 𝒑𝒆𝒐𝒑𝒍𝒆 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒍𝒖𝒄𝒌𝒚 𝒆𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉 𝒕𝒐 𝒈𝒆𝒕.

𝑴𝒂𝒚𝒃𝒆 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒅𝒂𝒚 𝑰’𝒍𝒍 𝒃𝒆 𝒂𝒃𝒍𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 𝒎𝒚 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒂𝒚, 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒎𝒚 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒅 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒔𝒎𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒆𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒘𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒆 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒍𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓. 𝑭𝒐𝒓 𝒏𝒐𝒘, 𝒆𝒏𝒋𝒐𝒚 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒑𝒊𝒄𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒆𝒔 𝑰’𝒗𝒆 𝒔𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒓𝒆𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒐𝒇 𝒉𝒐𝒎𝒆. 𝑨𝒍𝒔𝒐 𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒊𝒍𝒆𝒓 𝒔𝒐𝒓𝒓𝒚 𝑰 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘, 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝑰 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒇𝒖𝒄𝒌 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒌𝒏𝒊𝒗𝒆𝒔 𝒔𝒐 𝒂𝒕 𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒕 𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒎𝒚 𝒈𝒊𝒇𝒕, 𝒑𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒆?

𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒎𝒚 𝒏𝒖𝒎𝒃𝒆𝒓 𝑪𝒂𝒓𝒎𝒚, 𝑰’𝒍𝒍 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒔𝒘𝒆𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒄𝒂𝒍𝒍.

𝒀𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒔 𝑨𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔,

Carmy let out a slight chuckle about your lack of knowledge in the culinary arts. He traced your closing signature fingers taking extra care when tracing over the longtime nickname in your sign-off. He allowed himself to let what he’d just read sink in, he was going to have to look for that article you mentioned. The tightness in his chest was ever present as he devoured every word you had written for him. He should’ve opened the letter sooner, he knew that now. He distracted himself from your words by digging through the discarded envelope fingers hoping to latch onto the pictures you mentioned.

He brought forth two aged Polaroid pictures. The first is a group photo of the five of you - Mikey, Richie, Sugar, You, and Carmy - all squished together in the photo. The date on Mikey’s hat reminded him exactly what the occasion was. The five of you were all huddled around The Beef’s booth, Mikey and Richie on the far left side, arms thrown over the other, big smiles directed at the camera. Sugar stood smiling in the middle hands placed on the cheap fold-out table in front of them. Carmy’s eyes drifted to the last two figures in the photo, the two of you taking up the right portion of the Polaroid.

There Carmy was sitting at the table relegated to manning the cash box because Mikey wouldn’t let him help with cooking. You were behind him, bending over to be at the same level as him, and your head sat comfortably next to his. Your arms were thrown around his shoulders, hanging off of him like a koala, your bright smile mesmerizing as it was directed at the camera. While you were looking at the camera, he was looking at you, head slightly turned in your direction, a small shy smile directed your way as he focused on you.

Carmy’s thumb came up to gently caress the 15-year-old versions of the two of you trapped in the Polaroid, the same small smile gracing his features as he remembered that day. He sat the picture in his lap before moving on to the next.

The second Polaroid was just the two of you. Dressed in your finest garments for senior prom, standing on the porch of the Berzatto home. He remembered that night, the night he took Claire to the prom and realized that no girl he took an interest in would compare to the way he felt for you. He focused on the old photo in his hand trying to ignore the lavish corsage your date had bought you.

The more he looked down at the photo, the more he decided it was his favorite of the two of you together. You and Carmy stood side by side, neither of you paying any attention to the camera, your body turned slightly into his as your right hand rested right where his heart was. His arm settled around your waist, both of you staring at each other, the picture capturing the moment Carmy knew he wanted more than a friendship with you. Right before the picture had been taken Carmy had whispered about how beautiful he thought you looked, he remembered the look in your eyes as his compliment caught you off guard, the way your eyes quickly flashed to his lips as he gave you his small shy smile.

Carmy patted his pockets before pulling out his wallet and slipping the photo into the clear partition. He collected the other photo and the letter you had sent him entering through the fire escape and heading to his kitchen. He found the random magnet that had been on his fridge since moving in and placed the group photo on his freezer.

He quickly maneuvered his way out of the kitchen, making his way to the closest in his bedroom. He rummaged through the mess looking for your designated box in his closet. Eyes finding the wrapped present he had meant to send you three months ago, even though it was April he was hoping you wouldn’t be too miffed about the lateness of your gift. He had tried to convince Mikey to send it for him but was called a “fucking idiot” before Mikey promptly hung up on him, and when he tried to ask Sugar for your address she told Carmy to ask you himself.

On top of not bringing you a present when he returned home for Christmas, it had taken a month to find a reputable seller for the specific vintage camera he was looking for. And another month on top of that to bargain with them and actually buy the camera, so Carmy thought he was doing a pretty good job for himself.

Making his way back into the kitchen Carmy sat the present on the countertop. He paced around the enclosed space, hyping himself up to make the call and ask for your address, and if he was lucky, maybe even invite you out to New York if you had any vacation days. He couldn’t help himself, although your letter to him was less than heart-warming, it ignited hope in him regarding you that he hadn’t felt in a long time.

Leaning against the countertop, Carmy slipped his phone from his pocket. Opening up his contact list he scrolled down to your name, he clicked on it momentarily checking the time. It was 10 pm where you were, he knew you wouldn’t have been asleep yet. Carmy took one last deep breath before pressing the call button.

Camry listened to the phone ring as he placed it against his ear, foot tapping rhythmically against the linoleum. Eyes focused on your present sitting in his kitchen.

The tightness in Carmy’s chest intensified tenfold as he listened to the automated voice streaming through his ear.

“We’re sorry; you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please check the number and try your call again.”

a/n: tag yourself, i’m carmy x self-sabotage : ) i almost changed carmy’s gift because i forgot his knife (the one he gave tina) already has his initials, but then i realized baby wouldn’t even know that and since carmy seems like the type to not spoil himself baby will lol. i promise carmy won’t be an asshole forever he’s just stupid atm. also i don’t know shit about culinary tools and i got caught up looking at pretty knives so i just picked my favorite 😭

let me know if there are any questions regarding the timeline and i’ll make a post about it or something!!

taglist: @hawkins-2000 @elliesbabygirl @allbark-no-bite @anakinswh0re3005 @rexorangecouny @thecraziestcrayon @fruitcupsworld @nishinoyahhh @lilylovelyxo @ridingthehotmessexpress @noas-ark @jadeittic @hellokittyever @luvr-bunnyy @sxgees @fandomhopped @is-this-a-febreze-commercial @kravitzwhore @chanluuvr @readingwiththereids @chims-kookies @ladygrey03 @ferida-kahlo @wanderlustnightwanderer @how2besalty @armydrcamers @jointherebellion215 @jackierose902109 @blkbxrbie-esther @ajordan2020 @head-slut-in-charge @magnet-girl @thebookwormlife @yeehawbitchs @khena @kailyn-05 @ovaqma @fire-treasure-iii @frequentnosebleeder @gcidvrsh @awatt31 @cauliflowerpatch

[acesexualspock]

I posted 2,973 times in 2022

6 posts created (0%)

2,967 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@mooitstimdrake

@bethanyactually

@herenya-writes

@kalelraejepsen

@motherhenna

I tagged 1,996 of my posts in 2022

Only 33% of my posts had no tags

#star trek - 473 posts

#dc - 325 posts

#batfam - 187 posts

#spirk - 114 posts

#bruce wayne - 98 posts

#jason todd - 97 posts

#ds9 - 92 posts

#tim drake - 91 posts

#dick grayson - 88 posts

#haikyuu - 85 posts

Longest Tag: 136 characters

#‘perfect’ narratives where the audience is satisfied with the outcome of the plot/with the characters don’t inspire as much fan activity

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Shout out to hurricane Ian for knocking out my power and phone service 😔🤟🏻

3 notes - Posted September 30, 2022

#4

Crash ;)

4 notes - Posted April 1, 2022

#3

Listen I’m a Trekkie first and a person second but GOD is the Kenobi series fucking me up. Leía and Ben’s dynamic is SO good and agh I just wish they could be a happy little family

14 notes - Posted June 8, 2022

#2

I’m about to puke, y’all. I defend my thesis in an hour aaaaaahhhhhhh

22 notes - Posted April 26, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I’m very proud to present my undergraduate thesis:

To Boldly Go From Zine to AO3: A Study of Fanfiction Culture in the Star Trek Fandom

Read it here on AO3!!!

1,279 notes - Posted April 29, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[forcebook]

i get the point of the post you just reblogged about making art even if you dislike it and it's very valid but it still hurts me a little when you call the things you create "a mediocre mess"... it's my friend you're talking about.... everything she makes is so lovely and creative and considering the limited tools she has?? it's incredible really

i understand that i can't change the way you see it but i wish you could look at it through my eyes😔 (spoiler alert IT'S FUCKING AMAZING❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️)

this is how i feel rn aksgsjsjskks

boo 🥺🥺🥺

sorry sorry!!! i’m always working on being more positive about these things but sometimes negative thoughts slip out 😔😔😔 my bad

thank you so much for the reminder, sof!!! i’ll keep it in mind and heart!!

alksksks honestly, it’d be great if you could literally shove some appreciation up my face, maybe i’d stop feeling so annoyingly insecure all the time 🤣🤣🤣

looooooooove you. A Lot ❤️💙

[pixelpaladin24]

|| This reblog and all the messages I've received - thank you so, so much, it really means a lot to me.

I got tons of feedback from others as well that makes me feel a little better about myself. I appreciate that, too.

I just wish I wasn't so fucking complicated, that I could tear myself apart enough that everyone is satisfied.

I can't help it. Even with medication I slip the fuck away from life if something hits me hard. It didn't help I had family and work related problems as well. I'm guessing I just wanted to... pretend things are fine.

The first link you've sent describes it the best for me. Hyperfixation really is a coping method for me, just as roleplaying and writing in general. And time passes without me realizing it. Because I'm in the flow. This is how I've survived for over 20 years. I'm not going to change.

Thank you. It helped me better understand myself. I hope it helps others, too.

Maybe one day I'll be able to not hate myself for being the way I am. 😔

|| I think it would be best if nobody wanted to be friends with me.

Not because of you. Because of me.

I'm mentally ill - I usually tell people I have ADHD and that I'm probably on the autism spectrum, too (it's obvious if you poke around on this blog). I'm struggling with depression and anxiety (both caused by ADHD).

I am hilariously unstable. I survive on medication and meditation techniques.

So on Friday I learned from someone again that I am a horrible person and a shit friend. That I don't worth the trouble to keep in touch with.

I don't deserve anyone because everyone deserves better than me.

I am genuinely sorry that I am this fucked up. I'm sorry I can't help myself, I'm sorry I enjoy things that seem weird to others.

I'm sorry I'm a monster.

I've lost all motivation to do and enjoy anything.

And it isn't your fault, it's mine.

Maybe it'd be better for everyone if I just disappeared.

[penrose-quinn]

Pen, NGL I was just WAITING for you to reblog that post... I hope you saw this coming! 😁

36, 42, 49, 62, 66

Also, only if you can/want to! No pressure at all!(I'd ask you a lot more tbh you're just so awesome as a writer!)

I hope that RL is treating you kindly. Take care! (Also, please correct me if I'm wrong but you're starting your new job really soon right? May it go swimmingly!! ❤️)

Hi Yoko 💞

Actually, SAME. The moment I saw you rb the post, I felt like asking you a ton of questions because you're one of my brilliant writer moots! No pressure tho! I'm not sure if I forgot to mention it in my ask and I might've gotten too carried away with my excitement haha, but feel free to only answer if you'd like/are able to!

RL is okay-ish now. I'm just gonna savor my last break. You're right! I'm actually starting work tomorrow and thank you for this and for asking!! Wishing you the best and take care too ❤️💜💙

36. What fic are you proudest of?

It's not just one! The fics that I’m proudest of are all of the works I'm able to finish, especially if it's a series or a multi-chapter fic, because I'm one of those writers that lose patience and drop an ongoing story the moment I lose inspiration 😔 That's why I tend to write in one-shots or a series of them nowadays because it's quicker and readers get an ending at least. Green Light is the only exception because I find so much peace in writing it more than the others.

42. What’s your favorite title that you’ve come up with?

I hope you don't mind me going off for a moment because I had two in mind!

It’s Musubi and Saltation. For the former, it’s because the title encapsulates so much about the threads that bind people, time, and events together and the nature of Kenshi’s Inherited Technique to be entwined with fate and how her attachments had become into a curse in her life. One of those attachments is Geto. Musubi [結び] means ‘ending’ or ‘conclusion’ but it also means ‘joining’, ‘union’, and ‘knotting’, almost as if it’s implying that there’s a beginning and end, a connection. On a fun note, all the chapter titles are connected because of the thread radical [糸].

As for Saltation, it means an abrupt evolutionary change, a sudden large-scale mutation, as to reference the nature of the demons in KnY since the focus is on them in this fic. Another meaning for saltation is dance, or at least the action of leaping or jumping. It’s more the former for me because I’m also alluding to Kibutsuji’s surname [鬼舞辻], that being ‘miserable demon dance’.

49. What fic of yours would you say is the best introduction to you as a writer?

This one is tricky! Most of my readers knew me from my Mugen Chronicles series. I don't mind it being an introduction to me, but the thing is it's definitely not something you should read casually since it's the darkest thing I've written. I'm also pretty indifferent to KnY so I sadly don't share the same enthusiasm of the readers who reach out to me to ask about the manga. I just wrote a series and dipped 😔

I'd like to be introduced through Green Light though! It's still in my brand of angst but warmer. I'd argue my whole Bright Light series is an antithesis to Mugen Chronicles. TR broke me so much with the tragedy that it inspired me to write something tender and hopeful for once lol. The issue in this one now is you can't expect a similar fic like GL because it really is that exception among my roster of works that are mostly angst and dark fics.

62. In [insert fic], is there a deleted scene/idea you wish you could have included? Why did it get cut?

I’ll just share about the other installments of the Bright Lights Series because I had some deleted scenes/ideas for them. Sadly, I can’t share much about the Benkei fic yet :((( 

❁ In What We Don’t Talk About, it was supposed to have two chapters: one set in Shin’s funeral and the other was somewhere in the Bonten future – but got scrapped. This is the only bit I was able to finish:

Takeomi thought the sun should fuck off.

The walls were splintered with gold from the blinds though that wasn't what roused him awake.

It was from the sound of footfalls.

Terribly familiar with each slow step that a part of him fell back to rest more comfortably as he slept over the Sano house for a night, second only to the early riser with the bedhead and the peeved face who began to pace around the room.

"Good morning."

But Shin wouldn't greet anyone first. You did.

That was when he truly woke up.

❁ If it wasn’t the Bonten future with Takeomi, I was going to continue on with a different spin-off in the canon timeline which is my untitled Mikey fic where MC stays with the Sanos after Shin’s death. I’m still planning to finish that Mikey fic someday now that we have his POV. The Manila fic for this one, Where I End And You Begin, is screwed-up (because Shin-less MC, Izana, and Mikey are all so awful to each other) and I’m too embarrassed to share more details about it tbh lol. Not sure if I’ll continue it, but I guess I’ll share a snippet:

"Those glasses look stupid on you."

You shrugged. "Mikey likes them on me."

Izana thought you doted on him too much.

"He's not here."

You sighed, removing your glasses in one swift movement and shelving them inside the drawer of your desk. Your eyes were on him, framed alone by the sets of your long lashes, and while you took him seriously, he loathed how he was still seen as that boy you met all those years ago.

You propped your chin over your folded hands. "Are you here just to tell me you don't like my glasses?"

"It's not like you needed them," he stated.

"Ah, an astute observation," which meant you intended to keep them and the impertinence should have you beaten. "What else?"

"You grew out your hair." His eyes lingered on your neck, but Izana didn't contemplate what your throat looked like slit open.

"I'll get it cut some other time."

"You shouldn't."

An order. Though it was one that didn't demand a lot from you and he figured there should be a change in how things were. You should be grateful.

❁ In Couldn’t Tell, I was supposed to write about Waka's mom. She sort of exists but doesn't play a big role. Him and MC were supposed to be that close and it was kind of endearing and sad too (Waka reminds me of Inui sometimes), though I had to cut it off because character-wise, it makes things both more complicated and irrelevant at the same time. He's always given off that vibe that he had to survive on his own like Benkei. Besides, the mother thing should just be between Shin and MC. Here’s a snippet:

The next time this happened again you bought him a candy bar, but Wakasa just invited you over hot pot under the insistence of his mother. You'd return back to being polite around them, but to his surprise, your laugh would echo over the walls from his mother's lame jokes. It's never usually this loud, unless she brought a close friend over. Then she'd sneak him a telling smile.

"Your mom's cool," you said, finding your place on the backseat of his motorbike.

Wakasa told you to never talk about this to anyone, but he didn't disagree. You didn't say a word about your mother.

66. What’s a fun fact about [insert fic]?

I already share a lot about Green Light in this blog. I guess I’ll just add the names of MC’s siblings. I’m not sure what more to share without spoiling.

Maybe, I should write about MC's heroic story (failure story). It went somewhere along the lines of during their high school years, MC kissed one of the girls that rejected Shin. It was more out of curiosity between her and them, but it ended there. The girl was genuinely interested in MC though she figured out that they didn't feel the same way for her after their first kiss. MC didn't tell anyone about it, except Waka.

[bbyannabeth]

well go ahead, stubborn ass. tell your side of the story.

THANK U😌 damn i wish ppl cared about me i have things to say too😔😔

no but i am essentially responsible for the hooligans groupchat (ur welcome) bc i was originally friends with carrie and lexi just on tumblr and several times, i was thinking like i wish we could make groupchats on tumblr bc i am generally much more nervous talking to people one on one (lexi gets it. for some reason, we were both too intimidated by each other to talk LMFAO) and eventually i was like. fuck it? and i messaged carrie like…… hey:) thoughts on making a groupchat with me you and lexi?:) and she did😌

with just the three of us, that lasted .. a few days? a week? i have no concept of time. and then carrie was like “would you guys wanna add heidi?” and unfortunately we said yes. and then a few days (???) after that, she added zach. and the rest is history <3 so i had the idea for a groupchat, but carrie was the one to add heidi and zach, so it was a team effort😌

it’s also so funny because i remember like a little bit before the groupchat was ever made, i either made a post or reblogged a post about having a groupchat with my mutuals for us to just be the most chaotic ever and when i made/reblogged that post, i specifically had carrie, lexi, heidi, and zach in mind. like i so badly wanted a groupchat with us five bc i love them and i just KNEW it would be so fun. i was wrong it’s my hell but i still love them❤️

[pen-observing]

My fucking god Aqua stay with me cause I have somethings to say

/deep inhale/

...

/screams/

😭 First of all /inhale/ you may think what you're doing is ✨ something small ✨ but literally your reblogs and your tags make me want to actually do art because there's someone out there who likes looking at it and that absolutely fucks me up in a good way. Like I wish I could just say "hey thank you for the support" but I'm here on my knees like bestie 😭 you realize what you're doing to me right? I love you

SECOND OF A L L

If you feel that way about seeing Simeon suffering (which same. Guilty as charged) then you're proooobably gonna want to read what I've written, cause.... 👀 There's... Yeah there's more where that came from. (I ended up writing a fic which is actually like an episode of the whole thing but yEaH)

Its definitely not anywhere as good as your writing BUT gah dayum

Anyway chile 😔♥️👌✨🌃

sCREAMS BACK AT YOU !! IN >>>

Dkdhriks i dont think you think about this but i feel the EXACT SAME WAY whenever you leave such nice comments about my writings like,,,you are a shining light amidst my quiet activity on here !! You're my hydro archon, you're my fireflyyy.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE looking at what you do aghhh because it makes me feel a lot ya know. I know its hard to continue making art cus sometimes you go so far to be like 'this isnt in the museum so who even looks at it' or 'this isnt even in the library who even reads this' but PEOPLE DO SEE IT AND APPRECIATE IT 🥺🥺.

Thank you im throwing imaginary hearts at you rn!! And i will definitely read that inshallah just gib me time cus genshin livestream + the even we got going on in your server keke.

[deathmcth-archived]

☢ 𝘒𝘕𝘖𝘞𝘐𝘕𝘎  𝘠𝘖𝘜𝘙  𝘗𝘈𝘙𝘛𝘕𝘌𝘙  𝘞𝘌𝘓𝘓  𝘊𝘈𝘕  𝘗𝘖𝘛𝘌𝘕𝘛𝘐𝘈𝘓𝘓𝘠  𝘔𝘈𝘒𝘌  𝘞𝘙𝘐𝘛𝘐𝘕𝘎  𝘛𝘖𝘎𝘌𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙  𝘈  𝘓𝘖𝘛  𝘌𝘈𝘚𝘐𝘌𝘙.

REPOST DO NOT REBLOG !!

& DASHBOARD FUN ; mun addition ✧˖*°࿐

●  name ; cloves is fine!

●  pronouns ;  he/him and they/them!! either of those or switching between the two is 👍🏼

●  preference of communication ; DMs are ok! i only give out discord to ppl i’ve been rping with for a good while tho 😔 i’m not SUPER talkative but i try to reply to everything as best as i can!

● names of muse(s) ; ayalon!! i also.. have a canon character mutli-muse blog that i haven’t really done anything with.. maybe i’ll finally do something with it

● experience / how long ( months / years? ) ; i’ve been rping since i was 13, but for tumblr rp specifically i started in 2015!! and then took a much needed break from 2017-2019. i’ve always loved rping but the rp community back then was uhhhhh not as supportive of trans ppl or characters. it seems to have gotten better tho

● best experience ; i think anything i’ve done with my friend @carnivorarium // @phantasmaw!! i can’t really pinpoint a specific experience, but plotting and rping with them has been really fun and has really helped me get back into rping as a whole. IDK i was just so nervous when i first came back but she was super cool and nice and our characters hit it off super well!! 

this isn’t a tumblr rp experience but back in 2015 me and a friend created this huge fantasy world with all kinds of characters and we had the whole rp plotted out till the very end. i cant remember much of what we established but i remember it being really in-depth and thought out LSJHGKF i was always so excited whenever we both found the time to sit down and toss replies back and forth to each other. but then a few months later the website we rped on didn’t exist anymore and we ended up losing contact. i really wish i could go back and read everything we sent each other but im pretty sure i cant 

● RP PET PEEVES / DEALBREAKERS ; 

i actually have a lot and that’s why im so selective LDJFHK like the tumblr rpc has gotten better, yeah, but there is still so much room for improvement. 

1. being needlessly mean/high school bully level pettiness. Like bro there’s certain ppl on this website that do nothing but frequently make these long ass posts complaining abt how their oc(s) are better than everyone else’s, bc everyone else’s aren’t as “thought out, original, interesting, ect enough” and like? i just dont get it. i genuinely do not understand why ppl are so willing to kiss these specific kinds of ppl’s asses. the MOMENT i see any kind of “my oc is better than other ocs and here is a list as to why:” i refuse to interact. be proud of ur characters, but dont act like ur better than everyone else? i’ve also seen someone make a #girlboss post abt how “yeah there’s certain ppl on this website that want to avoid me so i go out of my way to befriend all of THEIR friends so they can never get rid of me :)” yeah ur weird. u are full on weird. u have not matured past 14. 

2. any complaining abt mlm and wlw. this includes ‘gay ships are so popular online that m/f just doesnt exist anymore.’/’everyone just wants to have gay ships so i’m going to get back at them by only shipping m/f.’ i dont think i should even have to explain why complaining abt gay ppl finally being able to indulge in fictional gay relationships is a fucked up thing to do and yet ppl still do it. stop having this ‘i have to get back at gay ppl’ mindset.. it’s gross

3. when i say no to a romantic and/or sexual relationship and all interest from the other person is lost. im not hurt when this happens, but it gets so annoying. if i say no to a ship and all interactions are suddenly cut off, it is so obvious to what ur intentions were and i really don’t appreciate it. my characters aren’t shipping fodder for yours. i know it can suck when someone says no to a possible ship, but it’s also so shitty to take that ‘no’ and then deliberately ignore the person just bc they refused u. it’s obvious, and i do notice it.

4. this is a personal preference ig but i dont like the ongoing trend of ‘my trans character was SA’d for being trans’ that is suddenly so.. popular within the tumblr rpc. it really grosses me out and i cant stand seeing it and i dont want mentions of that on my dash at all. it’s a no-no for me. 

● MUSE PREFERENCES ; fluff, angst or smut ; all three! tho i’m kinda selective with angst and even more-so with smut. i like to get a feel for someone and their character first before i rp angst, bc there’s been a lot of times i’ll be rping with someone and they would pile angst after angst on top of their character over and over again to the point it just got.. kinda ridiculous. like i love angst but sometimes ppl just get too caught up with making their characters go through the most fucked up shit as much as possible as a plot device. listen i love dragging my characters through the mud too but after awhile it gets repetitive and boring ;;v;; 

i love writing smut but given that ayalon rarely feels sexual attraction to other ppl and when he DOES he’s too busy just bullying them so. smut writing here might not be that big of a thing LKJDHFK fluff is a free for all tho!! he wants to knead on everyone like a cat and pull on them like laffy taffy. that’s ayalon being soft. 

 ● ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE(S) ;  i think everyone’s got a little piece of themselves in their muses!! it’s hard not to. but damn i WISH i was a giant goth dude with great hair. i guess the biggest thing we have in common is that we’re both pretty stubborn when we have our minds set on something

tagged by: no one in particular LJDKFG i just saw a lot of ppl do it 

tagging: do what i did and steal from me. it’s ok to tag me too <3

[terracyte]

oKAY I AM HAVING THOUGHTS AND GRACE IS ASLEEP AND YOU SAID I COULD SEND ANY AND ALL THOUGHTS SO JEG SIGER UNDSKYLD (i apologize lol) BUT THOUGHTS:

Cannot choose a favorite character. i think it’s either fushiguro, itadori, or nanami right now… i love they… i think i might be leaning towards fushiguro idk the vibes i just feel it in my chest that it’s He bUT MY FRIEND MADE ME WORRY ABOUT HIM and now i’m worried about nanami too… after that post y’all reblogged… and like you always gotta be worried about itadori tbh

hate that principal dude with the guitar or whatever Not a fan he’s mean will fight him

i love kugaski too she’s so iconic and like in the baseball episode when she got mad and they were all like “oh no she’s angry” akdbdkbdjd please i love a mean she / they lesbian

and i love maki and inumaki and i gotta get used to panda still lol idk man talking animals get me every time aidbjdbdb

this is how i described my feelings for todo to grace: “also you’ll hate todo but also think he’s funny but also you’ll groan whenever he’s on screen but also you’ll love him”

i wish fushiguro was a cat person but that’s just because i love him and am scared of dogs lol

gojo is iconic and i love the new outro, it’s so cute, but i miss gojo dancing at the end sir please you’re so good at dancing ???

and geto’s voice is deeper than i thought it would be because for some reason i thought gojo would have the deeper voice ??? i also was Not expecting both gojo and geto to be like. fun loving funny let’s go~ people akdbkdbdjd that came as a surprise and i’m here for it tho i’m sure part of it is a facade to cover up trauma, just quirky things ya know

and i love ijichi he’s trying his best good for him what a king

but no yeah nanami 👌🏼 hE CARES SO MUCH AND LIKE HE WAS LIKE “itadori you are a child. please stop almost dying. literally i am an adult and you are Not” and it gives me the vibes of me being like “[my sister] you literally just turned eighteen at the end of july ma’am please chill” and her being like “oH so you don’t think i can handle myself i see” oh my gosh… my sister is basically kugasaki if she were straight and cis…

also idk if you’ve seen sds / nnt but gojo has ban vibes and itadori has meliodas vibes solely because of the way they both act when people try to kill them

okay i should do homework now UGH i have work at six am tomorrow and it’s ten pm and then i drive three hours home after work so i actually Need sleep tonight lol wanna finish jjk tho…

oKAY FEELINGS OVER HOMEWORK DOING LOVE YOU HOPE YOU’RE THRIVING

NEVER APOLOGIZE- SEND ALL THE JJK THOUGHTS <33

and corey how is it that every opinion you have is SO Correct- fuck principal guitar all my homies hate him </3

and yesssS mean lesbian kugisaki and the second years!! theyre all very beloved and im sure youll warm up to panda <33 and heLP the way you described todo thats exactly it he's the 'bESTO FRIENDO" guy-

AND LOST IN PARADISE THATS THE BEST OUTRO EVERYONE IS SO CUTE IN THAT

the entire part about geto and gojo having the ~let's go~ vibes for trauma reasons- yeah. yEAh 🧍‍♂️

and ichiji is just trying his best 😔 appreciation for ichiji whEN

nanami beloved he really is the only adult to ever you're right, he's such a good character ❣

and i haven't seen that show but i will take your word for it!! we love making those literary connections <33

but ahHH good luck with your work and with work!! jjk will always be here for you to scream w/ us about so please take care of yourself first!! 🥰

[dyrwoodan]

harvest, amber & moonlit 🍂

harvest - what fictional character do you most identify with? Why?

well, minus my ocs since they are obviously self-inserts lol,, mostly morrigan and fenris? i think? because i can relate to them. hmmmmm kinda personality-wise, kinda because of maybe similar past/experiences,, stuff, etc.. and then some characters from books, like aelin, dorian and will. again because of the same reasons. i just feel like they would......... get me ya kno. oh yea let's throw in serana and anders too actually. 😔 like ofc i wouldn't say i straight up "kin" all of them but i take bits here and there and they kinda make up me. i guess. like let’s not get too deep here lmao

amber - share an unpopular opinion that you may have.

ugh currently i can't think of anything other than the "like/reblog ratio" problem here on this site because annoying blogs won't shut up about it and my unpopular opinion is that people are not obliged to rb your stuff which should be obvious but they all act very passive-aggressive about it which makes me personally even less likely to like or rb anything from them (and i don’t lol because they are blocked so,,). i don't mean normal content makers who noticed a visible drop in their notes, like sometimes i do feel like gif/edit makers are underappreciated, maybe. i mean those who make Very self-indulgent stuff that them and maybe three other people care about and then they go on about "fucking ungrateful ugh reblog this right now :3c" like. shut up. plz. again, my problem is not with normal people who just.. reblog their stuff for it to be noticed by more people. i just hate when they make passive-aggressive comments about it and like 5 other posts and they guilt-trip people into paying attention to them. also when they start with the “i spend HOURS on this!!!!” like. who cares. if you like doing something... you can spend hours on it..... it’s a hobby, karen........ just spend hours on it and don’t shove it down our throats that you did.......... just upload and rb content like a normal person.......

moonlit - are you a neat or messy person? Is your room / house orderly?

i have the potential to be neat but i don't have the energy to execute that so i'm mostly messy. i like when my room is neat, it really can improve your shitty headspace sometimes but. like. man i wish i could keep it neat. so, no it's not neat currently lol. and tbh i guess i'm a goblin at heart so, figures.

autumnal asks