#i wish i didnt know this much about dementia

[fuji09]

Yes, Elias Stilinski has dementia, that is canon. It's also canon that he is abusive.

Anyone who has dementia gets angry outbursts because they get frustrated by being unable to remember something or family is pushing them (usually somewhat aggressively or loud) to remember something and they just can't, or they get to the stage where they get paranoid and think everyone is out to get them and trying to harm them or steal from them, which causes them to feel angry, and then there is sundowning, where the person can't sleep at night so they are up all night and then they are tired which makes anyone cranky.

Elias Stilinski was verbally and physically abusive to his wife, which angered the sheriff, Noah, so much that, on at least one occasion, he got in between Elias and his mother. That led to him being pushed through a glass coffee table. Noah has a deep scar on his collarbone that has tiny bits of glass still stuck in it.

I wish they had explained why Stiles chose his name, maybe his dad lied about how his father really was, I believe he mostly kept Stiles away from him and Noah never really visited Elias in the nursing home.

I'm guessing if Stiles' grandpa was part of the reason he picked his name, it could be that his dad told him about how he was an engineer in the army in World War 2 and was called Stiles, and kid Stiles thought that was so cool. Or the fact that Elias is pretty damn good at math. But it could be he just liked the way Stiles sounded and chose it to go by.

My grandma lives with my parents because she has dementia and can't live in assisted living anymore because she needs 24 hours care. She has been having a lot of the mood swings, sundowning, and getting angry easier but with her being so frail (she's a almost 96 year old short Mexican lady) that she can't get physical but she can get angry and yell. People with dementia have causes to their anger, it's not just random, and there aren't any forms that are only an angry kind, they all have those moments.

With Elias, it's possible with how he was already an abusive, angry man that his dementia amplified it. Poor Stiles has dementia on both sides and different types. He is much more likely to develop dementia in old age, and depending on how well he is being treated for ADHD, that could also affect his likeliness of getting dementia. Apparently people with ADHD are more likely to develop dementia if their ADHD goes untreated.

So Eli Hale has the same name as Stiles’ Grandfather!? Someone in the writers room was definitely trolling Derek/Stiles fans with that and the fact that Derek has complicated feelings about the Jeep.

I like to think that because Eli’s mom was never even mentioned, Stiles is his other dad somehow.

[boxofneedles]

my grandma passed away recently and this past Friday we buried her and my grandpa. its been incredibly hard on me and due to my family relationships I've been grieving alone and havent had a lot of people to talk about it with. but they were both so foundational to the person i am today. they taught me how to give love to everyone you see and understand and care them on a deeper level. they showed me how you love a partner in life and how you devote yourself to them even in the incredibly difficult times. they showed me how much it means to give to others through food and little moments together. ultimately they meant everything to me i wouldnt have the values and morals i do today if they didnt raise and love me. i wish i could know them now that ive grown and figured out what these lessons meant to me but unfortunately dementia and alzheimer's cut that time short and they never got to meet the real me. theyve been on my mind constantly and i miss them soso much

[selsbrainfarts]

Once again I'm sitting here, like any other evening since the last few weeks.

My mind is racing but empty at the same time.

I feel like theres cotton balls in my skull.

I dont know what to feel anymore.

Is it emptyness?

Solitude?

Grief?

Anger?

Or just a combination of it all, overwhelming me beyong sanity?

I guess thats the one.

I dont know what everything always has to happen at the same time, but it always does.

And every time I wish I could just escape this shithole of a planet.

Escape my fate.

But no matter how far I'd run, it will always be there.

I dont have any solution to this all.

I can just wait and try to numb myself on the weekends.

Yet the numbing never happens, no matter how sensless I drink myself, it donesnt go away.

I need distraction from my private life, yet work is just as crippling as the rest.

It seems like its always me, messing up, being involved, takeing the brunt of anger from everybody.

I know I'm a waste of space, I know I'm slow, I know I'm lazy, I know I'm dumb.

I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm disgusting.

I know.

I try to just avoid everybody because my heart cant take any more at the moment, but everybody seems to follow me just to take their anger out on me.

The problems I have just keep piling up, I dont even know what to work on first.

I want to visit grandma everyday, i know she doesnt want to die alone, but I cant bare it.

I love her so much and I owe it to her but my heart feels like it tearing out of my ribcage.

Grandpa believes he will die before her and the thought pulls the floor from under me.

I know he has had a lot of health issues lately but I didnt think...

They are my world, my safe place.

I cant bare to think about losing them.

Not so close together, not now, not ever.

But its part of life.

I know.

And all things that would usually distract me from that pain just pain me even more.

Because everything needs to happen at once.

I used to seek comfort in my animals.

But my bunny died this summer and my cat now has dementia and hates me all of a sudden.

Its rare she wants me near her.

I used to talk to my friends, I still do but I cant talk honestly.

Not sober.

And even drunk, its not the whole truth.

Because I dont want to burden anybody when they have just as many problems.

And then I find myself, sitting in the cold rain, listening to them and feeling my heart rip even more.

The words want to come out.

But I wont let them slip.

Pathetically enough, I'm still in love with him.

Despite receiving no interest shown towards me.

Despite him showing clearly how utterly stupid he finds me.

Despite not having exchanged a single word for almost 5 months now.

Despite being told and knowing it would never work.

He likes pretty girls, and I am not that.

He was in love with my best friend and she is the polar opposite of me in terms of appearence.

Its so pathetic but thats quite fitting for me.

I'm stuck in this feeling.

Wishing he'd be here, hug me close and just tell everything will be ok.

But it wont happen.

My mom is as bad as always, makeing me feel awful whenever she can.

Makeing fun of my feelings, destroying my comfidence day by day.

Reminding me that I'm not enough for her.

And I know when she is feeling low again and is deep in her manic depression, I will be the one caring for her.

But whenever I'm low or sick, I get even more attacked and hurt by her.

Because I cant do everything she wants me to.

And my dad?

He was honest to me, confessing he had a mental breakdown or even suffers from burnout.

Because even the one person in my life I counted on, knew was strong crumbles at some point.

The approaching death of my grandma pulls him back to 10 years agon, when his mother died.

And thats what broke the great wall of built up feelings and trauma.

I cant bare to see him so empty, broken and hopeless.

I want to help him so badly, but how does one help another when they cannot even help themselfes?

[truckfreaks]

I wish i didnt answer the fucking phone. And I feel so fucking irredeemably guilty for saying that, but it's true

Sitting in the backyard and trying to identify the grapevine I just found. I get a call from my aunt. Usually it's because my nephew, who she takes to school in the morning, asks to say good morning to me. So I don't think anything of it.

She tells me, "listen, I'm really sorry to do this but I'm not calling with good news. Your mother called me several times last night and she definitely relapsed, she was screaming on the phone for hours. She wasn't making any sense, but she kept asking what she can do to make things right between you and her. She wants to ask you but she's afraid. I think shes suicidal again."

I didn't really know what to say besides the truth. She (my mother) already knows the answer. I've told her countless times. She needs to go inpatient - not some cushy detox for a week or two. She needs actual fucking inpatient psych and substance use treatment. I work with people just like her every single day. I deal with it constantly. I know it's possible. But it takes work and commitment and you need to have no outside distractions. She can't just try to do this and simultaneously hold a job and try to act like everything is fine. She needs to go away somewhere and get well and find help and connect with people who understand the hurt and ache that we unfortunately are genetically fucking cursed with in this family.

But my aunt goes on. She tells me about all the things my mother was saying: how next year she'll have been in Florida for a decade, but she's no happier or more stable than she was when she first went. She can't hold a job. She has no friends, no support system (because my grandparents refuse to even call to check on her when she relapses, thanks to AL Anon bullshit).

She tells me that she kept saying she refuses to go to jail. She says she came to Florida to "protect" my grandparents and pretty soon she "won't be able to" anymore. She says some odd variation on the usual: "does [nephew] even understand the concept of love? Does he feel supported? Does he know that he does not have to end up like this?" Usually those words were reserved for my cousin, but now that there is a new baby in the mix, I guess she's projecting it onto him.

She says she will "do anything" to understand how to connect with me, but she doesn't think it's possible, and she doesn't think I would care if she died. She says she wishes grandma and grandpa were dead so that she didn't have to "protect" them anymore. She says neither of them even know where they are (not true. My grandparents are entirely self sufficient and no mental deficit or dementia at all). Nobody (my aunt and my cousin, listening in) understood what she was talking about.

Then, like usual, after calling my aunt several times over the course of five or six hours, she just. stopped. Me and my aunt talked about it a good deal this morning, but ultimately decided a wellness check was probably a terrible idea, since, yknow. Cops kill people when they do wellness checks on the mentally ill.

I know she is probably triggered because of uncle frankie's birthday/death. I get it. I really do. Having to deal with your dead siblings birthday and murder happening within less than a week of one another is terrible. But it isn't an excuse. He wouldn't want it to be an excuse either. And, he is gone. She's still here.

Its kind of wild, actually. We talked to her on Sunday, after we got back from the cemetery. I got on the call because I know half the reason why she is like this is because of the grief she deals with regarding Uncle Frankie. She was... jarringly normal. Even my aunt agreed - it was the first time in a long time we had talked to her and she didn't seem just positively manic.

I look at her and I see parts of myself I hate so, so, so much. It breaks my heart. Because I know how badly it hurts, this rot that just lives inside you and grows and grows. Its awful. My mother is so smart, so ridiculously talented, so compassionate. She feels very, very much. I know she feels like nobody understands her. I know she feels alone. And I know what that feels like, and I know how badly it hurts. But the difference is I know that there's something wrong with me and I take steps to address it. I'm in therapy two to three times a week. I take a cocktail of meds every day. I find things to love about life that aren't hinging on someone else loving me or respecting me, or being successful, or reaping some reward.

Because, like. When you are like this, you have to. Otherwise life is... literally without point. You have to make your own meaning. Nobody can give it to you. But she wants someone to give it to her. She wants me to call her and treat her like a mother and give her purpose - Yes, Christine, Now you are a mother. Except what she doesn't get is, she's always been a mother. She didn't know what to do with it. That's... not my fault. I can't fix her. Nobody can. She needs to fix herself. I derive NO joy from knowing there is nothing I can do to help my mother. This isn't some kind of point of pride, or "self care" to cut toxic people out of your life, or something like that. I just. Can't. I am just as helpless as everyone else. She has the power but she thinks she doesn't. And if she doesn't go inpatient and figure it out, it is going to eat her alive and it is going to kill her.

I didn't even tell my aunt about what happened at the doctor yesterday. I don't have it in me. I can't put more on them. She told me she'll check in again on mom. Then she had to go. She said she would keep me updated.

She says she's afraid mom killed herself last night after she stopped calling. I don't know what to do with that.

editing to say someone finally got in contact but frankly I have no idea what's going on. and i think i don't even have the capacity to try ro tackle this today.

[atdwarriorsau]

SOOOOOOOOO

We got some changing skies, time to update this.

Idk how to tag EQ/CS spoilers so spoilers below the cut

(Also art block soo bad I haven't been posting... I have been writing tho, next chap should come out soon)

OKAY

(note I haven't read it myself, I haven't read a new wc book since book three of tbc. I have tbc 4 and 5 sitting on my shelf unread lmaoo)

Leafstar:

So the ableism... isn't as bad as I thought? I mean, it seems like the 'problem' is (implied dementia) memory issues/Leafy being old. Like I don't think mistaking a cat for a Badger is a vision thing. I agree that almost killing someone's kid is a good reason to step. Hopefully this means modern Skyclan will get a second leader. Hoping it's not Hawkeing, hoping it's someone young. Maybe Waspwhisker returns, but he's also old, hm. Hope we don't just get last arcs Riverclan succession issues, Skyclan version.

As for the poison stuff, I'm hopeful. It might be wishful thinking, but maybe it's Sleekwhisker? In that arc we had someone poisoning Skyclan, so maybe?? Since we have Tawny pov, that is her granddaughter... maybe... I would love that.

(If the erins can remember the family tree loll)

Tawnypelt:

First off, CrowTawny is hilarious. Random ass ship. I don't even care,it's funny. How does this guy get so many bitches he should get negative, what???

Also hoping maybe this means this arc will kill off a lot of old people? Praying no Crowstar pleassseee.

(Jus saw the worst timeline where they gave Crow and Tawny kits.... shudders....)

Honestly not much to say about Tawnypelt, except Birchfeather. Idc about the actually relationship, I like Tawny defending her grandkit. The cost is making Tiger2 and Dove dumb. Like I get what they were going for with the Rowankit stuff but still.. you guys are a half clan relationship, and technically so is Tawny (thunderclan).

Moonpaw:

Honestly I'm just happy they didnt do the absorbed twin thing. Thank stars. I'll happily lose that dollar. The stillborn litter thing is fine.

Thunderclan:

HATEHATEHATE

...

I swear to all stars WHHYYYYYYY

Shellfur and Myrtlebloom. Heavy sigh. Let's talk about it.

Oaaaahhhhhh this pisses me off.

They made the father of Myrtlebloom's kits Shellfur. Okay. Donor, honour sire, polyamory. That would be cool. But no. The erins would never do anything like that, sorry.

WE LITERALLY JUST HAD A WHOLE ARC ABOUT CROSSCLAN RELATIONSHIPS, IN WHICH SHELLFERN PLAYED A BIG ROLE. DUDE.

At this point its not stupidity, it's incompetence. I genuinely believe who ever wrote this into canon did not read last arc. At all. How do you make a mistake as huge as this. How.

Based on how the erins treated the three's adoptive relationships, no they will never do a donor/honour-sire situation.

As for polyamory, that's also a no. Saying this as a polyamorous person, as cool as it would be they would never do this. Any fanon/fan favourite polyamrous situationship, like ToadNettlePool, FeatherBlizzardHolly, RobinPatchFuzzy, are always a situation of either family tree retconning, a new mate replacing the old dead one, or an actual cheating story. I wouldn't be surprised if the writers considered polyamory the same as polygamy, or just evil lol.

Speaking of...

No, I would be surprised if this is actually a cheating story. I know I just brought up FeatherBlizzardHolly, but I don't think that's what's up. I might be tinfoil-hat-ing but given the fact most previous outsiders, Stormcloud, 4/5 daisykin, have not had kits, there might be a xenophobia thing happening. It feels farfetched, but does it? Doesn't it feel like something the writers would do? They don't want outsiders bringing new blood in. They're committing to making the family tree a wreath. These guys could have saved Thunderclan's gene pool, but nope. Immigrants bad apparently /s

The writers could have done this on purpose. Either to keep the blood blue, or it's weaponised incompetence. They do not care. They do not keep track of the family tree because they do not care.

Anyway TawnyCrow funnnnnyyyy

if you had to change anything like. big big abt plot in canon what would you change

Dawn of the Clans next question.

Man like... so much. I think most warrior cats fans can agree the writing isn't that... good.

I could say so much. The fact that racism, xenophobia, colonialism, sexism, ableism, fatphobia, abuse apologia, are not only all present, but normalized and are explicitly shown as the moral and righteous viewpoint/status quo/thing to do. Now portraying these topics, even in children's book (which wc is), is fine, as long as it's clear these things are wrong. It's important for this information to be accessible to kids, if they read about abuse they can understand that their own situation is bad; hence why Kosa bill and book banning are real bad. I want to say the writing in this regard isn't deliberate, but not to get controversial but I don't exactly trust white middle aged British women (sowwy)

A post about my dotc feelings, see @bonefall for more or the moonkitti Bumble video

ANYWAYS

I think it's fine to have these kinds of elements in warrior cats, but you HAVE to show that they are bad things. Which is a believe you should have anyway but...

For overarching stufff, I would really love to do something about that ableism. Part of the reason it's so weird that wc society treats disabled cats like... that... is because if you look at real cats that are blind, or have a missing leg or whatever, they are almost always perfectly mobile, and most of them could hunt. Cats rely on their other senses far more than humans do. You could find plenty of videos of 'disabled' cats doing just as much as 'abled' cats.

You could argue that the cats in wc are basically human, which is true (moonkitti's 'the cats are just people' video). HOWEVER, you know who else can still be mobile and do things with disabilities? That's right, humans!

It doesn't make sense from either the 'wc cats are cats' OR the 'wc cats are humans' angles.

And the thing is, Jayfeather was the perfect opertunity to tackle this! Everycat and their mothers have made a Jay as a warrior au, and even without that we could have had a great discussion through the books about the society's ableism. Don't even get me started on Briarlight's death. Absolutely insulting.

As for smaller plot things, ima do stuff for all the arcs!

The Prophecies Begin

(I have not read every book but have absorbed the plot through Tumblr osmosis)

- This is the best arc writing wise so I don't have much but...

- the last book. not great

- It's such a weird sudden heelturn from the previous books. Like Firestar adopting the xenophobia when it doesn't make that much sense from a character standpoint? If anything, he should at least have to struggle with his duty to the clans vs his feelings about Scourge. It would make sense for Firestar to sympathize with him

- Speaking of....

- Listen ima say it. While I love the aesthetic and potential, as it is, Scourge is overrated. Send the fire and pitchforks and stuff, ima say it like it is. Be honest without the Scourge Manga would he be as popular. Be so fr

- It's so so so weird for Scourge and Bloodclan to have similar if at least conflated ideologies with Tigerstar. Why would they be weird about half clan kits and such.

- Also.... sigh... the evil atheist thing gets me. I'm a certified Starclan hater and it is so boring for every villain to be the evil atheist (unless you're going to actually explore that) Implying someone is evil or doomed or whatever because they lack (your) religion is bad and dumb

- and this is the arc I have the least to say about

The New Prophecy

- We do NOT need to know every step of the journey

- Biggest problems here are pacing and POV

- This arc is about clan solidarity. That's had to pull of with only Thunderclan POV. We NEEDED at least Wind and River POV and thos arc would be perfect

- Tribe racism is bad.

Power Of Three

- If you thought TNP pacing was bad...

- huh I wonder if that has anything to do with the arc being created for the fire scene. I don't know though

- Listen I love the idea of slice of life but you have to stick to that. PO3 can not decide on high stakes magic stuff or slice of life. Pick a lane.

- Dark Forest plan makes no sense. At all. I ain't gonna explain it here but yeah it's bad

- Also the prophecy. What's up with that. How did their powers affect the battle except maybe Lion? What's up with them not knowing where it came from?

- This arc has just... so may dangling plot threads. You just keeping throwing them at the wall and giving no answers.

- The cave. The time travelling. Random tribe visit. Rock. Midnight. The spirit world. SOL. THE ECLIPSE

- Most of the things I mentioned have... wait for it... NO EFFECT ON THE MAIN PLOT WHATSOEVER. OR ANY PLOT

- The ending feels like a middle. Like I love the Holly stuff but that's for the middle idk

- Also I would love for Lionblaze to have a paw in killing Ashfur

- I don't like the weird 'adoption bad' thing they have going on

- Oh and Tribe racism is bad again

Omen Of The Stars

- OK I need to talk about the prophecy.

- First literally any other candidate would be better than Firestar. Raise you hand if you cared. Oh alright.

- Hollyleaf, Ivypool, Breezepelt, Flametail, idk Whitewing?

- Speaking of give Flametail something to do or cut him. Why is this like our only main series Shadowclan POV? (this arc in general has too many POVs, pleaseeee we do not need Lionblaze POV)

- 'Hollyleaf didn't have a power because we couldn't think of one.' Gives Dovewing a power

- Just throwing in a quick 'Dovewing deserved better' in here...

- For spending thirteen books setting up the Dark Forest battle, man was that disappointing and a lil boring. Good for them for killing Firestar tho. Shoulda killed more guys off.

- Starclan acting like complete idiots for no reason. Cool I'm sure this will never happen again.

- One tiny thing to make the plot better. Make it so Starclan can't come to the living world (or won't hehe) while DF spirits can. Makes the battle actually plausible (for DF) and adds more stakes and tension. (Maybe the prophecy came from the DF... hm...)

- Oh and Tribe racism bad again

A Vision Of Shadows

- Okay if this is the Skyclan return arc why do they have such small a role?

- Darktail's backstory sucks I'll say it. Cowards

- The Tigerheartstar book and the Hawkwing book should've been inside the main arc. Whyd you give me required reading. At least the Hawkwing book anyways. Skyclan's journey to the lake 100% needed to be IN this arc

- Here begins the reoccurring theme of the ending destroying the arc. This is probably the least bad of those. But still not great chief. If you can't fill the six books with enough plot maybe you need more plot... (or yanno replace b6 with Hawkwing's Journey and shuffle it around? Who said that?)

- Alderheart's character growth being offscreen and him just not having anxiety anymore irks me

- First time the sister would have been a more interesting protag. This will happen again..

- Also the mediator stuff flopped. Skyclan should have invented it earlier. Skyclan NEEDED to be so much more weirder. Now we have copy-paste clan number five, old people edition

The Broken Code

- Sisters being more interesting part two

- First time two of the protags have a relationship while the other protag has the entire plot. This will happen again.

- What did you do to Mothwing.

- The ghosts thing, while interesting, yet again requires required reading from a super edition. Okay. Leafpool's death not being in a main arc book is insulting

- Alright this arc was pretty alright I'll admit it

- If Bristlefrost somehow returns I'm deducting points I stg

A Starless Clan

- (the Southpark kid voice) KILL NIGHTHEART!

- Ugghhh can I get a misogyny number two combo?

- Everything else with Sunbeam except Nightheart is SO interesting and the arc needed more of that.

- Oh we have evil atheists again. Okay.

- At least Curlfeather had a bit of interest. Splashtail flopped hard in, you guessed it, the last book! Yet again they ran out of plot for the last book, sad!

- Starclan should stay away more often tbh

Changing Skies

- I could just say Moonpaw's parentage but that would be lazy

- ughhhhhh I bet we're getting loads of ablesim against Leafstar. Sounds fun. Also Leafstar is one million years old but I doubt they'd have the balls to kill her off. Modern Skyclan will never have another leader.

- Also ableism against Moonpaw cause I'd bet a dollar they'd imply DID with her and they will NOT do any research and it will ableist as hell. If the voice is evil istg

- The absorbed twin thing isn't great either. Don't get me started on the chimeraism thing. None of it works that way

- Also we might be leaving the territories again. I bet the next place will have even less to do in it than the lake

- They will find a way to get Stormclan stuff in here and it will be bad and I will be mad about it

- The arc ain't even come out yet and I'm mad lol

Ughhhhh yeahh that went long... ugh picture of my cat fo your troubles..

[gedzilla]

my coworker is being pretty fucked to me today and i was already on the edge of a Big Breakdown when i got here hours ago, she’s making it so much worse and i dont know why she’s doing it

[random-idiot-writer]

Nagito x Reader

Disclaimer: This is probably an innacurate description of his disease, but for the sake of angst, here I am.

Wilting Snowdrop

You sit by nagito's bedside, your palm placed on top of his frail hand as he lays in the hospital bed, unconscious. His breathing was uneven, and you could feel death seeping into every breath he took. If not for the , one would mistake him as peacefully sleeping.

You were engrossed in the many memories you had shared with him. The sight of his delicate body stretched out on the bed is so pale and thin compared to the Nagito you had met on Jabberwock Island. When the two of you got out of the NEO world program, the precious time you spent with him seemed seemed so brief, before you found out about the horrible truth he had kept from everyone in your class.

His condition.

Nagito, the Ultimate Lucky Student, has Frontotemporal Dementia and Lymphoma, with only his crazy luck keeping him alive every moment he was with you. Yet, he has somehow managed to keep all of this hidden from the other students, including you. You, the one you thought he trusted most. You, the one who he loved so dearly. You, the only person who comvinced him that he was worthy to date.

There was always something wrong with his behavior and the raspy voice, yet nobody realized they were all symptoms pointing to these diseases he had, until he collapsed that day. You remember being so panicked as he had his seizure, and so horrified over the display before you. You were still in shock, since that terrifying event took place.

After the amount of time you spent by his side, you were sure he only kept this truth from you due to the fact that he did not want the ultimates he worshipped so much to spend their precious time worrying over his well-being.

You drew in an unsteady breath.

You could never manage to help convince him that he was not a worthless individual. And now that he's stuck in a state of coma, you will never, ever, be able to convince him that he wasn't trash. You would never be able to see his beautiful smile again. You would never be able to hear him call you "My Hope" again.

You sat there in this quiet room, the only noise was his wheezing, as his body rose and fell in a disoriented pattern. The once beautiful and talkative Nagito that flourished and bloomed full of life was no more, laying down on the colorless hospital bed, his messy and soft hair spread over the cushion his head rested on. His pale, emerald eyes were now forever latched shut. The beautiful, fragile flower he once was, had withering away, just as quickly, clinging to the last ounce of life he had.

Wallowing in your regrets, you had not noticed the stream of tears rolling down your cheeks. You futilely rubbed your eyes, yet the tears continued to spill down your cheeks, before you slowly descended into a sob. The feeling of tears felt so nice against your skin as you ket your emotions out. You cried over your lucky boyfriend, who was on the verge of death. You cried over the fleeting time you spent dating with him, wishing there was more. You cried over the guilt that you had not noticed his disease any sooner.

You cried and cried, even for the most insignificant things. You wailed, with your head hanging over Nagito's bed, your tears dampening the white sheets laying over him. You let the emotions you didnt know you were hidding, spill out, crying your heart out. You didnt want him to die, you didnt want to lose him, and yet despite all that, he slipped through your grasp before you even knew it.

The man you loved rested on the hospital bed, wilting away.

Symbolism in the title: the wilting symbolized his death, as his once beautiful self wilted away as life went on. Snowdrops were flowers that symbolizes hope, as nagito aspires to be. It also symbolizes bad luck and death in Victorian homes, just as Nagito, although the ultimate lucky student, has also hada fair share of unlucky coincidences. Death being the disease that his unluckiness has brought.

[fairycosmos]

my grandma is very old and has had eating disorders her whole life (without even realizing it probably). she used to tell me i didnt need dinner and that even drinking too much water would make me fat. now its so strange to feed her and to have to convince her to eat because even with dementia she cant let go of her fear of food and gaining weight. i dont know what it is with grandmas being so cruel to their (usually girls) grandchildren, theyre convinced theyre helping but theyre just trying to make you inherit their trauma, its very sad

fuck :(( this is literally one of the saddest things ive ever heard for everyone involved. i am really really sorry for both what she put you through and what you have to deal with now. literally can not imagine the mental turmoil it must've caused for you, and maybe still does. it is so so evil that the world prioritizes thinness (and the objectification and commodification of womens bodies especially) to such an extent that it ruins familial relationships and permeates even a dementia patients brain. god, seeing it in this context is so eye opening. why do they instill such a deathly fear in us regarding weight gain, why is being fat the worst thing a person can be? the idea of that alone is ridiculous, especially since it's all just used to make money. but yeah, grandma's are literally full of resentment and pent up pain/insecurity. they have no qualms with being an asshole to make themselves feel better, and they barely even see it as them being an asshole to begin with. it's the lack of self awareness that gets me every time. my grandma could not stop going on about how big i was getting before my interview, and she thought she was being perfectly reasonable with her comments. if i would have snapped at her for it, she'd truly think i was the one being rude. anyway yeah it is astoundingly depressing :(( just awful. i'm wishing you the absolute best and i really hope you can give yourself and your body the love or at least the peace and neutrality it deserves. sending you so much love, take care x

[startwithbrooklyn]

THE GREAT ND REWATCH OF 2021 / SEPTEMBER 28-29, 2019 // the bonny scot

posting this a day later than normal because this is one of the rare episodes that shows a passage of time from one day to the next yayy love that for them

-wonder what filming these beginning sexy scenes is like for them in real life

-sooooo can lucy see nancys sexy dream? is she judging? does this mean she likes nancy with owen or nick more? or is she trying to tell nancy that her sex dreams are irrelevant to the mystery at hand and she needs to focus?

-seeing people in the ✨prison chair✨: gomber, carson, karen (voting for josh s3 just saying)

-completely ignores carson's question about herself typical nance

-"or maybe i did stumble across a knife" its like hes trying to make the case against him look plausible while attempting to maintain innocence. this is a slippery slope for carson to try and encourage her to keep her pacified + hide the truth while also trying to keep her from getting involved bc hudsons

-"genetics gets you in the door" aaaaand then she walks in to everetts office to meet him and crashes their family dinner

-ok who tf is dawn and why is she in charge here

-this guidance counselor of nicks is my favorite person

-"i admire your allergy to pleasantries" bess and nancy both have reveals to big families but nancy does not have the graceful, accepting reveal to her rich family like bess does at this lunch. nancys reveal is messy, cold, bloodstained and sticky-fingered, not nice in any way whatsoever. and this little chat with everett (bit of a parallel to lucy's) just highlights how nancy is always bad at bargaining with her grandparents*- always trying to fight on their level but giving up her equal hand bc she doesnt know how to hide it when they bring up something she doesnt know. like confronting celia at the masque: she was so confident with her theory and what she knew, but then we got a "what does that mean?" like. the instant you say that, you lose. and she walked right into the "yes i do have someone, hes in jail" 🤦🏼‍♀️ even in the car with ryan at the end of s1, he literally just fucking leaves her there. like 🤷🏼‍♀️ what did u think was gonna happen sis?? for all she can predict how past things lead to present circumstances shes fucking awful at seeing the direct future *(grandparents except for patrice bc her dementia makes her inaccessable)

-lmaooooo this awko ass portrait...i get the empty space is for nance but who on earth thought this was a good pic??

-LISBETH 🥺💙

-"will u help the claw for me?" george struggles financially to keep her livelihood while nancy is somehow shown as being taken care of even when her parent is incarcerated; both nancy and george live in single parent homes now with mention of both medical debt and george being breadwinner yet nancy has no struggles while george does. (i wonder if ryan had been able to help george here how the story would have changed)

-"when it comes to following people around without their knowledge or consent i am somewhat of a repeat offender" 😂😂😂

-"he wasnt endgame after all" BESS lmaoooo

-"...okay." lmaoooo i fuckin love owen

-i was hoping the girls' faces would be more shocked like with a glance to owen but they just....werent

-"we're the good guys" <---- this statement is soooo interesting in terms of how they structure the show and how the characters see themselves (its an interesting contrast with the more definitive good vs evil with things that are both clearly good and clearly evil but theres also a lot of moral grey area here, the show is kinda swamped in it. are nancy and crew the good guys? are they the bad guys in someone else's story? concerns.)

-"i'd call it more than just stuff" like why did u concede that??? and then the shit about oof that didnt sound like a compliment lmaoooooo why does she suck at arguing?? she and owen wouldnt work long term bc theyre so similar (as mentioned later on)

-i LOVE george slowly falling in love with nick here- hence how upset she gets when nick bails on her for nancy later (which is totally justified!!!)

-i am LIVING for the little nod this driver guy gives bess when she turns back around all nervous 😂

-"i do like buying things" i would so say that too tbh

-"you'd have plenty to talk about" LMFAOOOOOOO SHE KNOWS "marvins dont marry drivers" so diana is totally fine with the gay its just the poor she has a problem with 😂💙fuckin love that

-love how nancy just casually ruins everything for nick/george lmaooo

-"i have seen you at your best, nancy, and there is nothing like it." 🥴😳 i love this still-in-love look nancy gives him thats so strong he had to change the subject

-so is haunting time 11 pm? from that clock of bashiir's?

-how do NO neighbors notice this fucking water and shit

-these are TOTALLY AWFUL fake screams from the bonny scot crew 😭

-"i know well enough not to get involved when he's in play" both carson and ryan avoid engaging with everett even though nancy is willing to do so armed with less info and more balls/ but "could i trust him" and ryan says yes lmaooooo NO honey + that makes ryan 0/2 for helping the girls when they ask this ep

-"find a project of your own" and he does, with his youth center 🙏🏻💙 what s2 foreshadowing!

-"god i wish i still drank" 😂😂😂

-"she is darling." 💙👌🏻

-okay wtf is mirror bay??

-i really wonder about the extent of celia x sebastians relationship here. did she truly care about him or was it just secret and exciting sex? also would love more hints of diana vs celia moments like these. celia doesnt even look upset. i mean shes had time to deal but like wtf. and who exactly is sebastian to diana? not her husband? like damn what if he was. somehow i doubt she'd talk about him diddling celia if diana was disrespected also

-i wonder if celia being so invested in dna testing nancy was bc everrett dna tested ryan to make sure he was his bc of sebastian / other men (which would be totally valid on his part!! but wouldnt it be funny as fuck if ryan wasnt his 😂)

-what a neat hiding place in this frame lmaooo who put that in for them tho? like how do u go about ordering that

-"you certainly are your fathers daughter" this quote is doubly ironic and foreshadowy bc theyre referencing carson here as being a useful hudson attaché but nancy is playing everett just like ryan played celia about putting his house up (but TRIPLY ironic bc carson pulls off the long con of hiding nancy from the hudsons right under their noses this whole time!) the one time nancy is successful against them

-that bess/lisbeth look while lisbeth does something badass (+diana reassessing now that lisbeth has been revealed to be useful)

-"almost as fun as a real fight" why do i believe him? lmaoooo a bit weird that he would enjoy a fight w a partner, but i also think this is an acknowledgement of nancy being an "opponent" who exists at his level. but i also love the "let me take you out" as a direct mirror of her relationship with nick, where she avoids the public acknowledgment/"going out" but prefers the more subtle/hidden arrangements of staying in. but as shown with later eps, owen is way more capable of meeting nancy where shes at, which is so important to her + the only way of getting close to nancy. (the only foil is ace who somehow is able to do both)

-"not always about a guy" <---- this could have been such a powerful statement if the show had thought having nancy end up alone/choose herself instead of pitting her between love interests (nick, owen, gil, even potentially ace, in only 2 seasons) was a more worthy stance to take ; as an aro/ace person i cant tell you how much i would kill to see just one female protag choose herself over a man. and its more realistic to end up alone than have a happy ending anyway, for all that these shows try to be as "real" and gritty grimdark as possible

-"is that what you want?" this is an interesting question to his mother- like maybe he senses her unhappiness? combined with his issues with his father- still trying to look out for his mom? either way it's sweet. (it could also potentially work as foreshadowing of something happening to her, but i think that was played with but then diverted when it was revealed who really killed her) "i think its time i steer this ship" still kind of patriarchal tho. i get that its him coming into his own as a dad technically but still. i also like how he calls her "mother" and not mom

-love that old white people thumbs up at george asking about his clams 👍🏻

-okay fuck dawn tho lmfaoooo

-"stressful dinner huh?" 😂 i fucking love lisbeth so much why didnt they bring her back (wouldnt it be Fucking Hilarious if they brought lisbeth back to bounce bess on her expired visa since the marvins kicked her out and didnt fix it lmaoooooo)

-BESS IS A TOP lmaooooooo i fuckin knew it

-nick says "you can pay me back" wonder if thats gonna come back in s3 considering their "marital problems" (also, those bonds are sosus lmfaoooo if any single person cashing those was looked at sideways they'd confess in 2 seconds that some random guy is handing out bearer bonds they dont even make anymore with absolutely zero proof as to how he got them)

-"you wanna finish what you started?" 👀 (dont mind if i do)

-"i need my dad back" parallels s2 when she asks him to come home

-parent politics: "you are taking your life in your hands / no, i'm putting it in yours" vs "i know well enough not to get involved when hes in play" both carson and ryan try to dissuade nancy from pursuing her pulling this con on everett but go about it different ways: carson is wildly concerned with nancys physical wellbeing but ryan appears to be leaning more towards weighing the odds for her/ like a "you cant win so cut your losses/dont try" scenario which interestingly might have more weight with nancy; its easy for her to brush aside carson's worrying like second nature but nancy has been established to be a determined winner, and ryan speaks to her here like shes a beginners luck prodigy at a blackjack table by encouraging her to keep her record clean by not dealing in this next round. of course she herself admits shes incapable of not dealing in ie "you know me better than that" but i have lots more thoughts on how effective ryans approaches to nancy can be sometimes (saving for the reveal ep 🙏🏻)

-wonder what all carson knows about the hudsons? + that look on his face when he hangs up... wonder if he was just lying to her about knowing anything or just ashamed at having to admit bad things hes done for them

-love nick & bashiir waiting together 🙏🏻💙+ nicks very strong and pointed "good night" as a means of ending his convo w nancy on his terms (gotta reinforce those boundaries man!)

and lastly

-celia + that gossip girl moment when she just throws the whole phone away 😂(wonder if she was just talking to "gus" or whoever that guy was. keep forgetting the bobbseys' dad is in prison too, wonder if he'll feature in s3)

[iamthekarmapolice]

my grandfather (my mom’s dad) is probably dying and i’m really scared

he’s not been doing well health-wise for years. in 2012 he had a massive stroke, and got diagnosed with parkinson’s disease a few months later. at first the symptoms weren’t too bad, and the medicines helped slow the progress down, but it still progressed. by around 2015 he regularly became disoriented, and had hallucinations. he had another couple of strokes in 2015 which weakened him more. in 2018 he was diagnosed with dementia. he’s been forgetting things, and losing parts of himself more and more. since last year, there are times where he cant recognise my grandmother, my aunt or us sometimes. my mother is the only person who he’s always been able to recognise

3 days ago, he lost his balance and had a fall which seems to have hurt him badly. since then he hasn’t been able to move around by himself at all, and he’s not able to speak, like he moves his mouth, but his voice is too weak to be heard. my mom flew out the next day and took him to the hospital and they think he fell because he had a heart attack

they brought him back home after the tests, but our family doctor has advised that he be in the hospital for the next 48 hours. if he improves that’s great, and if not, bring him home anyway, so he can be in a familiar environment

it hurts my heart so so much to see him suffer like this. on top of everything else, in 2011 before his first stroke, he started showing signs of macular degeneration, meaning that he’s basically blind in one eye, and cant see very well out of the other one. the main thing he’d been looking forward to in retirement was reading.

he was extremely brainy and was awarded a scholarship to get his phd in electrical engineering in the 70s at the university of hawaii, and his area was early computer engineering. in his cogent moments, that’s generally what we talked about. even when i was a kid, science and science-related trivia was the thing we bonded over most. he always wanted us to learn new things.

and this has been so difficult and devastating for my mom, and she’s being so strong about it. my mom was always closer to him than my grandmom. when she met my dad, at the time her parents wanted to arrange a marriage for her, and she chose to tell my grandfather about wanting to marry my dad first, because she felt he’d take it better. and he always doted on my mom.

he’s such a good person, he was so calm, and hard working, and gentle and kind. i have never ever seen him raise his voice or lose his temper even when he was angry about something. he doesn’t deserve this, he doesn’t deserve this slow inexorable decline, all the thousands of indignities and embarassments he’s felt in the last few years, losing control of his body bit by bit.

i always feel the worst when he has lucid moments because you know he’s not completely lost. the last time we visited him in march, we were having a perfectly normal conversation about how programming languages work and i was explaining how python is different than c/c++ and he seemed to completely understand what i was saying. and moments like that really drive home that hes completely aware of how much hes suffering.

my other grandfather was pretty lucky in that way. he was weak during his last days, but still able to speak normally, and watch his favourite tv shows, and enjoy his food, and it all happened suddenly for him. he didnt suffer at all.

i know that for my grandfather, if the end comes now, it’s going to put an end to his suffering, and when it does happen i hope it’s peaceful and easy because nothing else about this for him has been that but it’s just so difficult and sad,and it’s so fucking horrible that wishing a peaceful death for him is our best case scenario for him, it’s so unfair that after a long life of working hard to look after his siblings and his family and never having enough time and money to do anything for him, and i hate that he lost his retirement years to this and ihate that half this post reads like he’s already dead even though he’s not and i feel so terrible for my mom and grandmother. it’s all just so fucking unfair

[roibinmacaoibhill]

Hello! Glad to see you again, sorry tumblr is so broke! I hope you are well. If I am not too late, may I request a lenormand reading of the general spiritual kind? Trying to work with and around my adhd in this area has been difficult. I didnt see any info request in your post, but I think ive seen you request initials before. Im AM. Thanks! Or if I am late, thanks anyway! Stay safe and well!

Hello there AM! Thank you for the well wishes, I've been a little under the weather this past week but it looks like it's starting to fade out and I'm starting to feel a lot better now, which is always good.

And yes, I'm doing my best to stay safe too. I have a form of Asthma, and I've heard people with any kind of Asthma are especially easy targets for Corona, so I've been sticking inside or at least around my home. I'll probably be sticking in or near home until they figure out a vaccine or things truely start to settle down further.

Of course, it doesn't help that my grandmother is currently going through the moderate stages of Dementia, and we have to constantly keep her from wandering off or attempt to go places during these crazy times. My family and I have our hands full with trying to keep her home and safe for sure. I know it's kept me worried sick on occasions, and I've ended up with some more Grey hairs because of it. It also doesn't help that my grandparents are Republiccan, are super fans of Trump, and my grandmother especially doesn't believe that the Pandemic is something to worry about.

Nope, you're not late at all. Your request came just in time actually. And yes, I prefer initials or aliases for people who send in anonymous requests for divination. I know some people ask for other things like your Sun, Moon, and Rising signs to get a lock on your energy, well I do the same with Aliases, Initials, and the like. So long as it's something you go by that is authentically connected to you in some way enough to allow me to get a proper lock on things to read for you as best as I am able to.

Alright, let's get to your reading then. For your reading, I drew the following cards:

House, Fish, Crossroads, Mountain, and Key.

Okay, first let's look at the individual meanings of the cards that came up for your reading.

House: Home, house, family, family name, real estate. Fish: Business, Independance, freedom, abundance, adaptability, freelance. Crossroads: Choices, options, future paths, fork in the road. Mountain: Block, delay, obsticle, stop, prevension, challenge, isolation, stubbornness. Key: Answer, fate, key, significance, importance, destiny, turning point, solution.

Alright, now that the individual meanings for each card have been laid out, let's take a look at the center card in this reading. The center card for any Lenormand reading is the heart of the reading, the theme for the reading as it unfolds, and the essence of the reading itself in a lot of ways.

In this case, the center card is Crossroads, which is all about choices and options. I can instantly see that there are so many choices around you currently, so many ways for you to progress with your spirituality, and I can only imagine having so many options and choices can be overwelming.

After that, I'll go ahead and look at cards two and three, along with cards three and four, to figure out and summarize the essence of what the cards have to say for you in this reading.

Fish and Crossroads: Multiple paths to obtain abundance, multiple ways to adapt to your situation. Crossroads and Mountain: Delaying or hindering abundance.

Just like I thought, it looks like the multiple paths and choices are only causing you problems by overwelming things. It's the fact that there are so many ways of going about to get where you either need or want to go that is slowing you down, causing you to stop in your tracks.

My first piece of advice is of course take a breather for a few moments, trying to relax. Do you have any specific goals in regards to your spirituality? Is there anything you see for yourself you'd like to obtain or maybe anything that your guides, companions, gods, etc, would like you to obtain or achieve?

Either way, take your time, there is no hurry. Though the more ideas you might have about where you'd like to go, obtain, or achieve, might help you narrow down your options a bit, which will most likely help with the problem you're facing currently.

Now that I finished  looking at the essence of what the cards are trying to tell you, let's take a look at any possible conflicts or problems that you might be facing as part of the situation being read for here. I do this by reading cards one and five, along with cards two and four, by employing a little Lenormand trick called mirroring.

House and Key: Fated family, destined home, significant or important family member or place of residence? Fish and Mountain: Delaying abundance, hindering abundance.

Like I asked before, are there any influences impacting this situation, causing more choices or options to open up and therefore overwelm you even more? I ask this because this part of the reading is telling me that something or someone is specifically causing the many options to occur, the overwelming feeling to compound.

Is there a particular place you feel like you should be or need to be spiritually? A deity or a group of deities reaching out to you? Or a deity or deities that you already have some kind a relationship with who want to deepen their relationship or relationships with you? The same questions can be asked about spirits as well.

Or maybe it's more like there's a place in your spirituality that you feel like you need or want to be, or said deities, spirits, etc, need or want you to be at? Whatever the case may be, regardless of whomever or whatever the source of the desire of things may come from, it's the focus of such that is either directly causing the multiple choices or options about how to proceed to obtain or achieve this that causes all the various choices and options to manifest, thus overwelming the hell out of things.

Alright, now that I finished reading the primary portion of this reading, let's dive straight into things to obtain some more details for you! In my opinion, you can never go wrong with nitty gritty details!

First, I'm going to read the cards as pairs:

House and Fish: Abundant family or home. Fish and Crossroads: Choices or options for abundance. Crossroads and Mountain: Hindering future paths. Mountain and Key: Important or significant delay or struggle.

There is a person or people for that matter, or even a place of being, from a spiritual perspective that is connected to you in some way. Maybe you already know them or that place, maybe you are seeking them or that place, or maybe they and that place is seeking you instead. Either way, regardless of which way it actually is, this person, these people, this place wish to bless, improve, help, aid, or to allow you to further grow or thrive spiritually.

Problem is, however, there are so many ways they can go about doing this. Maybe the choices are in their or that hands, or maybe the choices are in your hands instead. Either way, there's too many to properly get a grip of things at the moment.

All these choices and options, either from their end or on your end, are causing the problem. The various choices and options presenting in front of you are causing major delay to your personal spiritual growth and development that it's causing things to come grinding to a halt in frustration.

The real problem is, however, that whatever may reside beyond the choices is important. It's significant in a number of ways to all involved, and it's understandable that you, and maybe even them and that too, are wanting to figure out the correct path to get to that significant thing or person or place, but the actual significance of whatever it may be, combigned with all the options and choices that lead you to it or that or them, is confusing as hell. It's confusing and overwelming and causing you nothing but problems.

Okay, last but certainly not least, I'm going to dive even further for even more details by reading the cards out in their rows.

House and Fish: Abundant family member, family, or home. House and Crossroads: Multiple family members, families, or homes. House and Mountain: Hindering family member, family, or home. House and Key: significant family member, family or house.

Looking at things further, breaking it down into more details, makes me think that it's more likely a person or people involved than a place or state of being in regards to the house card showing up in your reading. This is good to know and helps clarify some things.

A person or group of people wish to bless, aid, or benefit you. There's actually more than one person involved, though there could one person who is leading or taking charge of things while others realted help with it. However, the current way they are going about doing things, may be what they think is the most efficiant manner, but in reality it's problematic and causing you to become overwelmed with all those choices. That being said, the person and/or the people involved are significant to you and/or the overall situation of your spirituality in some way.

Fish and Crossroads: Multiple ways to be abundant. Fish and Mountain: Hindering abundance. Fish and Key: Important or significant abundance.

There are multiple ways in which they can bless and aid you in your spirituality, but of course, this, as much as the multiple ways of going about getting to where you need or want to go, is causing all kinds of problems. It's slowing things down and causing a lot of the overwelming feeling. But the blessing or aid they are just as important and/or significant as they in-of-themselves are.

Crossroads and Mountain: Hindering the future paths. Crossroads and Key: Significant or important choices or options.

And of course, all of this is doing nothing but hindering your path, whichever path you may want to take or even should take in the first place. And to compound the issue further, there isn't only one important or significant path you can take. Multiple paths are important or significant in ttheir own ways, though I feel like some are more so than others.

Mountain and Key: Important or significant delays, struggles.

And the struggle you are going through, the hinderences that are causing you so much delay to your spiritual growth and development is important significant as well. It's important that you deal with this now, so that you can figure out which way you best determine is suited for you to move ahead on.

And there you go. I'm sorry if this reading didn't really clarify things enough for you, though I hope it does help in some way. Please let me know if you'd like me to try and do another reading to try and determine more about things, especially if you have any specifics you'd like me to try and look into with a second reading after reading this one.

Once again, thank you for giving me the oppertunity to read for you like this. Take care and stay safe yourself!

[xdirt-bagx]

A little update...

hey there.  so if you’re reading this is because you followed the link to this thing so that i could explain a little to what has been going on with me in the recent months since i left home in south carolina to spend a little while here in massachusetts with my small in number big large in heart family. 

so, let’s start at the beginning.  i am an only child born from another only child. and have had not negative but limited contact with any extended family outside great uncles and aunts.  so, family is small in number at the present moment.  after the death of my mother in 2015, it now is me, my dad (jerry), me grandmother (claire) and my grandfather (carl)...lets start with carl. 

for quite a number of years now carl has been living with dementia.  it probably started showing its face around 8 years ago or so, but i can say in hindsight that there were signs of it years before.  in the last 5 or so years it has taken away his ability or want to do much more else than sleep half the day, and eat a limited diet of ginger ale and sandwiches.  my main goal when i decided to spend the summer here was to spend good time with everyone but i also have had this feeling that carl was going to become a greater concern soon and i needed to see what could be done.  withing a few weeks of me arriving here he started to show some new behavior that bordered on manic episodes and talking to himself. in about a weeks time it came to a head when he awoke in the middle of the night and started acting very erratic and in ways i thought were possibly going to hurt himself or my grandmother.  i stayed up through the night attempting to keep him still and calm until in the later morning i was able to get in contact with his home care nurse.  she advised to take him to the VA hospital nearby immediately to be checked for any infections that may have changed his mood and behavior.  after some time when we got him there and had him checked over, as i was trying to calm him down for a chest scan and i was alone in the room with him, his eyes locked and rolled back as he went into a grand mal seizure.  my first i have ever witnessed.  the med folks came rushing in and did what they do and as the seizure passed and he was stabilized, he was transferred to the nearby hospital with a better staff to handle his turn for the worse.  as the day and night went on and the sedatives wore off he began to become aware again and continued with the self dialogue and manic behavior that after a few hours turned into rage and outbursts of anger and statements of killing the people who hurt me.  he was sedated and i finally decided to return home to be with my grandmother who has stayed home when he was taken to the hospital.  over the next couple days he was up and down and sedated many times. finally he was places into the geriatric behavioral floor while we have been figuring out the best skilled nursing care place in a nearby location to place him.  this has of course been a big stress on my grandmother claire, as they have been eash others lives for almost 50 years and she has been his main caretaker for all this time.  but at 85, i know she is in a real danger of not being able to take god care of him anymore, and that placing him in a good place where people can watch him and make his life proper for however long he might have left.  this is hard, very hard, but we both know it is the right thing to do.  more will be known this week with where he will be going.  speaking of this week, lets move to my grandmother, claire....

having been one of my greatest influences in life, and my caretaker at times while i was growing up, claire has been my main reasoning for making this trip.  she needed someone close to be here.  to help with things around the house and spend some good time with. and thankfully as time would allow it, to help with what has been going on with carl the last couple months.  i wouldn’y have it any other way.  yet, she has her own great struggles on the horizon.  to say that she has been through a lot on the last 5 years would be a great disservice.  she has taken care of her carl, as well as my mother at times until she lost her too the beginning of 2015, and has since lost both of her brothers, bob and eddie.  all the while dealing with her own set of health problems which included having some skin cancer surgically removed from her left upper cheek and nose in the last two years.  something she actually hid from me altogether until last year when my father informed me against her wishes,  she didnt want to worry me.  crazy right?  well, a couple weeks ago after weeks of having consistent headaches and some tenderness in her former surgery area, her doctor sent for a head x-ray and cat scan.  to which he then sent us to an ear nose and throat specialist who with a quick look down her nose with a little camera, informed us more than likely, her cancer has returned where it had been removed 2 years ago.  coming up this week we make the trip to the dermatologist at beth israel cancer center in boston to find out for sure and take it from there.  again, very scary and stressful a thing to have to deal with at this time especially, but from what i have read, this kind of cancer is rarely dangerous unless it spreads and get close to other sensitive areas in her head, but i am hoping we have caught it i plenty of time to deal with it properly.  i wouldnt want to be any where else than with her while we find out whats best and to come.  to ease her worry as much as possible and be her support.  and speaking of beth israel boston, lets move on to my dad, jerry...

he is not my grandmothers son of course, he is their son in law,  a little over a year ago, the apartment he has lived in for the last 15+ years was sold to another owner who promptly ended all leases and asked every out in 30 days.  he needed a place to live, and i needed someone to help keep proper eyes on my grandparents.  so we cleaned up a room and threw some paint on the walls and moved him in.  hes been a stupendous help since.  besides being able to take my grand folks to their doctors and what not, hes also a good cook which my grandmother greatly appreciates ha ha.  about the same time carl went into the hospital, jerry was having some blood pressure problems that ended up with him having to have an angiogram that revealed 3 major (90% or more) blockages around his heart.  one week ago he was admitted to beth israel boston and was given a triple bypass to head off any future heart attacks and such.  he’s laid up now and headed to a rehab place to get strength built back up.  it’s gonna be a bit of a healing process for him im sure, which is why i am going to be here as it stands a bit longer than first expected. 

so, now that were all caught up, i wanted to get y’all updated and thank the lot of you for all the well wishes and phone calls and what not.  i’m sorry that i haven’t been great at keeping up with back home or been good at talking to many of you as that talking isn’t something i have been a big fan of lately.  admittedly i have been a little overly reclusive with my thoughts and feeling and wants and such, but i’m thankful that i have the good life i have and the people that i love and the ability to stop a lot of things in what normal life i kinda have to come here and be of service. 

maybe next i’ll actually take a stab at describing the feelings and emotions that one goes through in the midst of this really hard season, but i’ve never been good at putting all that into words and sharing things or having attention put on me.  but, i’m trying to make a change to that for my own mental health and stability.  i guess we’ll just have to see wont we.  ‘til then, love all y’all. 

[newgameplus]

mmm west, peter, n hera for the meme....owo....

im -WEST

How I feel about this character

hngrphmgh....Lov he....... listen... the absolute manic versatility of this man just enthuses me and hes just so much FUN ... 

All the people I ship romantically with this character

ibr i didnt see elizabeth and him hooking up romo stylez coming at All but i did love their marriage b4 it was romo and also . theyre cute. i do wish that they wouldnt talk about ‘stimulating the pleasure centres of her brain’ tho thats my mom and thats disgusting

My non-romantic OTP for this character

andrew obvs, thts his boy, but otherwise: caligari and moro. science fam. im weeping again over monty heck but emily is just so begrudgingly good i love them together 

My unpopular opinion about this character

i think tht the dysphasia frm the cube woulda lasted longer? just my onion!! and also i love pain

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

speaking of hte cube?? i did want a lil more info on what all did, like its abt their fears yanno??, andrew’s gave him a plot device sure, but elizabeth’s was designed to make her not trust herself and to spiral into self hatred and fear of her hunger and it worked, kinda, cuz she refused to eat fr a long while, n i wanna know!! what they did to herbert! my leading theory is sthn that mimics dementia- as that is a cause for dysphasia, and also what worse a fate fr a scientist than to not be able to trust his own mind ;3

-HERA

How I feel about this character

my darling daughter whom i will protect with my life

All the people I ship romantically with this character

n...one...?

My non-romantic OTP for this character

eiffel/hera brotp 4lyfe

My unpopular opinion about this character

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmm i cant think of anything? we all agree that shes perfect and that we love her

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

idk! i guess i kinda wish tht she didnt go frm ‘fighting pryce to the death’ to ‘yah its cool shes cool now’ cuz like. i mean, idk i just think tht after her whole grudge w  hilbert shed have at least a bit of a grudge at pryce yanno?? eh

[missionofgettingxaway]

losing

August 22nd, 2021

It was 6.30 am. I got a call from my mother. It took me a while to pick up the call because my mind was taking some time to think about the reason that my mum called me early in the morning. It was an unusual thing. But my mind kept telling me that I might receive some unpleasant news and anyway I picked up the call. Mak was crying. She was calm though. And the moment I heard mak was crying, I knew that it was something bad. I pretended to be calm. Mak told me that my grandmother has left us. I was speechless even though I knew her time was near. I didn't know on how to react because honestly this is the first time in my 24 years of living that I'm losing someone dearest to me. But I said okay. As soon as mak ended the call, I was silent for a moment. I wasn't sure of what to feel. Should I be happy or relieved that tok has finally stopped being sick for such a long time? Should I be sad that tok has left us? I was clueless but I was crying, realising the fact that I wasnt there during her last moment. I decided to go back no matter what since I already finished with everything related to school. I called my brother. Wishing he would want to go back too and he did. But things got complicated with the police so I went back on my own with flight. During this tough time, I know that our movements are restricted but I can't accept the fact that some policemen don't accept death as an excuse to cross border. I hate it but I'm done thinking about it. I reached home, took bath and performed zuhr prayer. I went straight to my paksu's house since my grandmother left in that house.

Tok looked calm. She looked like she was sleeping. I hope I will remember how she looked on that day until the end of my life. I was happy. Watching her face. She is in a better place right now. Indeed she is. I recited yasin and the mosque's people (idk what to call them) and the people in charged brought her body to the mosque for funeral preparation. I followed to the mosque and did all the things we were supposed to do. I joined during the washing and shrouding. Alhamdulillah. All praises to Allah for giving me the chance to be there, to help with everything and to watch every single thing during her funeral. I can't thank Allah enough. Alhamdulillah. It might sound wrong to say that she left during the right time because do we know when is someone leaving during the right time? But she left when I finished my school stuffs for this year, she left after meeting my aunt who's living in Kedah. Alhamdulillah. Everything went smoothly. Semoga segala urusannya dipermudahkan di sana. I believe in that. Semoga Allah menerima segala kebaikan yang dibuat semasa hidup. InsyaAllah. If you're reading this and you're a Muslim, I hope you can recite Al Fatihah for my dearest grandmother.

I want to describe her so that whenever I miss her, I can read this post again. Tok was a calm person. During her time when I was small, she was very strict but she had reasons for that. Tok taught me about a lot of stuffs. She taught me many things including how to do house chores and much more. But I believe what she taught me the most is about how to help others. She was always a helper in every situation. When my parents went to work, she took care of me. Although I can't remember anything when I was a baby, I know she took care of me very well since I was born. She taught me to help others when they are having a hard time. She never, never rested when she saw anyone doing work. Tok started getting sick when she had dementia. She didn't remember about a lot of things. But one thing that will always remind me of her is the fact that she couldn't recall many things but she always thought of praying. Always asking if she could pray now, asking if the azan already being called, wanting to perform her wudhu. Up until the day I was with her in May, she did think of performing prayers. Subhanallah. When she was very sick (during May, she already started being so sick) , it was very saddening. She lived with us during the last month I was with her. She slept in the same room as me. I could stare at her sleeping and I always felt like crying whenever I looked at her because she looked very sick. Tapi sangat tenang. I didn't get the chance to say sorry for the times I was being harsh when I was taking care of her. I am a human too. There were days that I felt so stressful and didnt treat her good enough. But I pray hard, Allah temukan di dalam syurga yang kekal abadi. Syurga buatmu.

I love you tok. And I miss you every time I look at your bed and your things. Al fatihah.

[sadrien]

wanna chat? pt.25

on ao3 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25

alright!!! so this chapter is a little special. its a contest!!!!

for literally no reason at all, i decided to have a little fun with this chapter. in this chapter, there are a bunch of pop song references. the majority are from the early 2000s (before 2010, tho there may be one or two from 2011 or 12) and one is from the 90s. whoever can list the most references wins a drabble/short fic of their choice from me!

to enter, submit a list of all the songs that were referenced in this chapter (or the ones you could find!!)

shoot me an ask if you have any questions~!

mental support = nino, ebony = alya, draco = adrien, vampire = alya

i hope you enjoy!

17:20

mental support: a reminder that i hate all of you

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: u love u s

mental support: i can t believe you just made me listen to all of that what the fuck

draco malfoy: Now You Know

mental support: i wish i didnt

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: its so good so iconic also the writer is now a fukcing awesome published author and mari and i r gonna read her books together join us we can b the nerds with a book club

mental support: i just spent several hours listening to you three do a dramatic reading of my immortal i think weve gone past nerds with a book club

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: sounds fake

vampire: You cant say that wasnt a lot of fun though I forgot how wil d that fic got

mental support: i need to process

draco malfoy: Have fun

  5:02

draco malfoy: Reasons to quit modelling: Early morning shoots

draco malfoy changed his name to asleep in makeup

asleep in makeup: I can’t wait to be done today

  9:34

mental support: i am so sorry dude fingers crossed that your dad stops sending you to them

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: ^^^

mental support: al babe please change your name

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way: f i n e uhhhhhhhh

ebony dark’ness dementia raven way has changed their name to aint no lie

aint no lie: baby bi bi bi

mental support: i dont know what i expected

aint no lie: pls choose a lyric and join me

mental support: youre ridiculous why do i love you

mental support has changed their name to fool for you

aint no lie: lmao sap

fool for you: true

  10:02

vampire: Oh my god we have so man y orders to day Wont be on Im dying Im gonna dronw in frosting

vampire has changed their name to too many cookies

fool for you: uhhh no such thing let me know when youre on your break i wanna stop in and say hi and also steal some baked goods pull you away from baking for a bit

too many cookies: My knight in shining arm or  <3

fool for you: mostly hoping for cookies deemed unworthy to sell but yes i can work with knight

too many cookies: At least youre honest

13:35

asleep in makeup: Get me out og hits hous e

aint no lie: omw get ready to leave boy i was in the area on a walk

asleep in makeup: Thnak s

  13:46

fool for you: let me know if i can do anything ok?? if you need to stay the night or something that super chill my moms wont mind besides they keep trying to invite you all to dinner

too many cookies: Same as what Nino said!!! And also what!! I love your moms Id love to go to dinner??????

fool for you: yeah but theyre gonna tell embarrassing stories

too many cookies: You say that like I wasnt there for most of them

fool for you: yeah but adrie nand alya werent

too many cookies: Ok true true

19:11 in PM between too many cookies and alseep in makeup

asleep in makeup: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6J1-eYBbspA

too many cookies: Why the fuck

asleep in makeup: I’m with Alya We’re listening to 2000 hits from the US

too many cookies: Of course you are Are you having fun And feeling better??

asleep in makeup: Yeah We’re cuddling and making fun of the music videos Mostly the fashion Also her mom brought home some food from the hotel so we don’t have to eat ramen which is both awesome and a disappointment

too many cookies: Mhm How hard are you pining

asleep in makeup: Shut up

too many cookies: You love me

asleep in makeup: Unfortunately Why are our friends just so Great Good Incredible Sos I’m getting emotional about them Mari I really love them what did we do

too many cookies: We have really great taste obviously

asleep in makeup: Man I have shitty luck

too many cookies: Or the best

asleep in makeup: That’s your department

too many cookies: True tru e Are you going to survive??

asleep in makeup: Yeah Cuddling with Alya is unfairly nice

too many cookies: Tell me about it Anyway why this song

asleep in makeup: Because I love you and just wanted to remind you

too many cookies: This is the worst way to tell me that But I love you too I have to go help my mom with dinner but Ill talk to you later <3 Have fun Dont die

asleep in makeup: No promises

20:02 in fucking clock hearts

aint no lie has renamed this conversation to tell your boyfriend if hes got beef

too many cookies: Wha t

aint no lie: THAT IM A VEGETARIAN AND I AINT FUCKING SCARED O F HIM

fool for you: what the fuck

asleep in makeup: We’ve been watching music videos for like 3 hours

aint no lie: im liv in g

asleep in makeup: My dad would die if he saw any of the outfits people are wearing in these

aint no lie: american pop music from the 2000s is wild join us

fool for you: i thik im good

asleep in makeup: Youre not

aint no lie: were not falling in love were just falling apart :/

too many cookies: Im too tired for fake deep al

aint no lie: rip im sorry babe

fool for you: can i break into the bakery and get a cookie i need sugar

too many cookies: Cn I convince you to watch a show with me or something

fool for you: duh

too many cookies: !!!!!!!!! Let me know when you get here Im just at the foot of the stairs braiding my hair Ill let you in  

  20:15

aint no lie: bo y why are all of 3oh3s songs fucking icon ci

too many cookies: 3oh3 is that supposed to like Mean somethin g

aint no lie: idk its just another word i never learned how to pronounce

too many cookies: RIp

fool for you: yo mari im here

too many cookies: !!!

  20:25

aint no lie: a;lsdkfjasdf things i apparently need to do add chloe on snapchat

fool for you: yo why

asleep in makeup: She just sent me a selfie of her wearing designer shades just to hide her face cause she took her makeup off

aint no lie: she is???? weirdly chill snapchattin g marhs whtf

too many cookies: Whtf???

fool for you: what hell the fuck

asleep in makeup: That might have to do with us having been friends since we were like In diapers Chloe isn’t the best person but we still talk for a reason

aint no lie: fair

fool for you: i follow her on twitter for her rants theyre ridic they make my day

asleep in makeup: Oh uh Nino can I come over when you’re done at the bakery?

fool for you: yeah of course dude!!! that offers always there

aint no lie: >:(

too many cookies: I take it you two had this argument alread y

asleep in makeup: Yup I feel bad invading Alya’s space for so long

aint no lie: youve been around all night before!!!!! its not a big deal!!!!!!!!!!! the party dont stop

fool for you: want me to steal some cookies from you

asleep in makeup: Stealing is bad

aint no lie: why are u leaving me!!!!!!!!!!!

too many cookies: Ill let Nino tak ethe cookies then its not stealing Also cant you have this con vo irl??

asleep in makeup: Yeah but this is better

aint no lie: yeah also were comfy on the couch and itd be weird to yell at each other when were sitting like this

PM between asleep in makeup and too many cookies

too many cookies: Rip

asleep in makeup: Please don’t make this worse

too many cookies: Come on Romeo

asleep in makeup: That’s not my name

too many cookies: Fiiine You ok?? I know youre going over Ninos Hes getting ready to leave btw but he just mentioned that in the main chat

asleep in makeup: Yeah I just Its been a really really messed up week

too many cookies: Fair enough Let me know if you need anything ok???

asleep in makeup: Thanks <3 Going from Alya to Nino will be fun

too many cookies: Tonight your e fallign in love

asleep in makeup: Very funny But let me know if you need anything too Ok???

too many cookies: I will <3 <3

in tell your boyfriend if hes got beef

fool for you: ok so how many cookies is too many cookies

aint no lie: there is literally no such thing weve talked about thi s

fool for you: i bet if you eat too many you could die

aint no lie: come on let me shake up ur world and change ur life eat All The Cookies

fool for you: thats too many cookies

aint no lie: eat all the cookies an d die

fool for you: youre just jealous that adrien is coming over

aint no lie: please this isnt even jealousy >:/

fool for you: bruh oh btw im leaving in like 2 minutes gonna steal you away from alya

aint no lie: n e v e r

asleep in makeup: Please save me she’s been playing the same song for like half an hour

aint no lie: listen hot stuff im in loe vwith this son g

fool for you: let the beat rock dude

asleep in makeup: Mari pl e a s e

aint no lie: i cant stop cause im haivng too much fun!!!!!!!

  21:35

aint no lie: i cant believe ive been betrayed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fool for you: youre so dramatic

aint no lie: this is the worst thing to ever happen o t me

asleep in makeup: Its not enough to say that I miss you, is it

aint no lie: no >:( tell me what i wanna hear and that is that ur coming bcak

asleep in makeup: Sorry Al

fool for you: yeah ive got a blanket fort set up still from last time so i win

aint no lie: shi t

too many cookies: Youre all ridiculou s You need to come back down t o earht Weve got bigger problems than this Liek the fact that I canT FIND MY SCISSOR S

aint no lie: r i p

fool for you: theyre under your chaise

too many cookies: What

fool for you: check

too many cookies: ……. Holy s hi t HO W

fool for you: magic

aint no lie: u might no t believe ur eyes but ninos magic

asleep in makeup: I thought I got away from this

aint no lie: nope <3

[blackhatcannons]

Have anymore yoga headcanons for Black Hat ? 'Cuase I feel he'd o er hear these moms talk about their hyperactive teenagers and be like ' Bro you too ? This girl be cray cray' Hence Black Hat learning what ADHD is and how to handle dementia better.

JKFSDKJLFDSJKLF YOGA MOM BLACK HAT #CONFIRMED

Just a disclaimer: I don’t really know that much about ADHD, so i’m just (going with what some of the websites i’m looking at have told me, sorry if any of this is inaccurate!! I’ll do my best;; )

Black Hat walks in one morning, sets down his mat and starts stretching out a little getting ready before instruction begins.

(let’s see how many generic white suburban mom names i can come up with)

Karen sits down next to him. “morning Mr. Trueba” “I told you, just Esteban is fine.”

(Flug was the nerd who came up with BH’s fake identity kudos if you get the reference)

“Hey Chloe!” “Hey Karen, hey Esteban!” “….Hi.” Black Hat has very reluctantly been inducted into the Circle of Moms. More and more of them show up; they all chat amongst themselves while stretching. BH keeps to himself mostly but nods along with what they say. everyone thinks he’s just shy

in reality he’s taking careful mental notes on the conversation. To improve his human disguise, ofc. thats TOTALLY the reason why he “politely” asks Samantha to tell him how she makes her workout smoothie. He doesn’t care about human food recipes what no shut up–

“Oh! And Alex is finally following the house rules we set up.” “Really? That’s fantastic Mary!” Black Hat perks up. This sounds interesting

“I wish I could make Owen listen to me like that. He’s always so hyperactive, I can’t ever get him to stay still.” “Have you tried more positivity, Rachel? Like, instead of saying what not to do, you say what he did that you liked?” “Actually, no. You really think that will work, Wendy?”

“Excuse me” Black Hat fucking interrupts. “you mean your kids are also over-energetic nightmares?” “Esteban, you have kids???” “…..Sure.”

he basically starts listing off Dementia’s characteristics and all the moms start sagely nodding. one of them tells him that she could have ADD or ADHD and he goes “There’s a fucking NAME??”

“Have you taken her to see a doctor?” “uh. i know a doctor.”

“And she’s always running around like that?” “Yeah. I was thinking of getting a leash, do people make those?” “UM. NO.”

black hat ends up taking notes on what they’re saying and bringing them back to flug, who spends the better part of an hour explaining that no, he’s not that kind of doctor–

BH ends up getting a lot of tips on how to treat Dementia and its like a switch flips. She suddenly seems to listen more, its a goddamn miracle. (Oh the magic of not yelling angrily to get what you want)

He gives quiet, short warnings instead of loud angry threats, and they’re even more effective! And still mildly horrifying!

Flug is amazed when he sees BH give Dementia short, clear instructions, asks her to repeat them back, and that she actually goes out and does whatever it is, with only minimal property damage! so proud

i didnt know if i should write anything about fidget spinners or not so im just gonna leave it there haha