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artistryofpalmistry · 1 year ago

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free palm reads! DM me:)

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#Hello sweet soul, I’m Amara, aka; LustratedSpirit! 🙏🙋‍♀️👋

#Anyone like a free palm reading? DM me:) ✋👏🙌

‼️🌺🌻All you have to do is; send a pic of your dominant hand, nice and bright so I can see the palmar flexion creases, aka the lines on your palm & I’ll send you a reading back asap! 💫🌟

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##Im a spiritual/energy healer, clairvoyant & alternative practitioner who specialises in palmistry & tarot card readings! I put my whole heart into every reading I do. I try make them as detailed as possible so you have the knowledge to make decisions confidently and to help ensure your next step in life is in the right direction. 🪄🧚🧚‍♀️

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#palmreading #spiritual #medium

#spiritual awakening #spiritual quotes #spiritual development #spiritualguidance #spirituality #spiritualjourney #spiritualgrowth #spiritualhealing #spiritual knowledge #holy spirit

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coreastories · 5 years ago

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A Ride Along the River

The King: Eternal Monarch RPF (Real People Fiction) Yep, this is LMH/KGE.

Can’t help myself after all the shenanigans of July 2.

And I have friends who keep me up at night sending me zoomed-in pics and amazing Twitter posts. Ehehe @pateetsie @collectsfallenstars

This is what comes of that. This is fiction. This is wish fulfillment. No pressure on the real people.

A ride along the river, just basking in this new and wonderful thing they had.

ON AO3

She felt someone shake her gently and she smiled--knowing it was her mom or dad and maybe they had an advance gift.

But she smiled without opening her eyes. Her birthday was tomorrow. Her birthday could wait. Sleep was important.

"Wake up, birthday girl. You have a visitor."

That made her eyelids fly open. Who on earth would come at-- She looked at the clock. It was after 9pm.

She looked at her dad's half smile half smirk and knew. And suddenly her heart was pounding in her chest.

"Come out when you're ready."

Her dad left her bedroom and she looked at the clothes she still hadn't put away. How long have they been there on that chair? She'd been tired every day lately. So tired. She had arrived home today at seven and she had barely had any energy to wash her face, brush her teeth and change her clothes before she'd passed out in bed.

Oddly, she felt none of that tiredness right now. She was wide awake. Was he really here?

He had been so... sweet in his messages and calls. Not pressing her, but not leaving any doubt about his intentions either.

She got up and pulled the purple shirt at the bottom of the pile and grinned fondly at its wrinkled glory. She took off her pajama top and put on the purple shirt. He had told her he liked her in these huge shirts. That dork.

She ran her fingers through her short hair, loving the feel of it. He hadn't seen it yet. She'd been planning to surprise him in a video call. She wiped her face with the bottom of her shirt to get rid of any sleep grease and grit. That was it, she laughed to herself. She was ready.

She quashed the silly notion that she should maybe put on some eyeshadow and powder, make herself look a bit better than she did now. No. She wouldn't make herself up. She didn't need to. Not with him.

He'd passed that test long before she was even aware she was testing him.

She came out of her room and saw him in the dining area, saw the cutest ice cream cake slices on the table, saw him pouring another glass of water. Saw him see her. Saw him take her in from her unbrushed hair to her bare feet. Saw him smile like he couldn't help it.

That smile made her feel like she was the only thing he saw in the room. It was intense and incredible and she wondered if she'd ever get used to it.

She just smiled back and decided that maybe... maybe there really was something here. When he got up and gave her an envelope, her heart felt like it wanted to escape her ribcage so she laughed.

They were always laughing, weren't they? Look at that silly grin on his face.

"Are you still reading or watching my old interviews?"

"What old interviews?" But his grin had turned shy. "It just says happy birthday. Read it later."

"Thank you."

He put on the Baskin Robbins party hat on her head, paused to see if she was ok with it, and then gently snapped the elastic against her neck. She slapped his arm as he laughed.

He adjusted the elastic. In those seconds that his hands rested on the junction of her neck and shoulders, she remembered that other time he'd done this, when he had first made her afraid of what she was beginning to feel whenever he touched her. She felt the same fluttering in her stomach right now, but though she searched for the fear, it was no longer there.

No, there was no fear or nerves. In fact, it felt only natural-- her looking up, him looking down-- that they closed the gap between them without any fanfare or tension, just a natural pull until their lips met. A hello kiss after their time apart, and then they smiled at each other.

She saw the silly sunglasses and put them on herself. They were grinning too much but she didn't care. They sat at the table and she smiled at those lit candles. Using her phone, he took photos without taking his eyes off her.

Was it any wonder she forgot to even look for her mom and dad? They'd probably gone to bed. She appreciated them for the privacy. For the trust. They knew who he was but they knew who she was and there hadn't been any drama at all when they saw what they saw. Just welcomed him and left him alone here to be assaulted by the sight of her in sleep clothes, didn't they.

"Do you want any cake?"

"Not if you don't want any. It's too late for sweets, yeah?"

"Yeah." She blew out the candles.

He came around the table and helped her put the cakes away in the fridge. She liked that too much, seeing him puttering in her kitchen, moving the butter and the leftover containers and packs of frozen meat and peas to make room for the cakes. He even tasted some side dishes. He was ridiculous.

When he drank and finished his water, the soft thud of the glass on the table was like a signal that their evening had ended.

But she didn't want it to end yet. "Let's go outside."

She got on her bike. He got on his hoverboard.

But not before he gave her a bouquet. Blue and purple and yellow flowers. She looked at him reproachfully. Why hadn't he taken this to her house? She had to take it back there? He grinned. "Well, I wanted you to be the first to see it, not your dad."

She raised her eyebrow. "Smooth. You were shy, weren't you?" He just laughed.

She loved that he still got shy. It wasn't like her dad didn't know everything. But it was adorable that he still got nervous about her dad. And her dad liked it, too. Liked that he wasn't too confident, too self-assured. Not for this.

She secured the bouquet with its own ribbons onto her bike and they glided through the night on their silent wheels.

They didn't say anything, only crinkling their eyes at each other whenever their gazes met and locked above their masks.

They both took videos and photos, both while off and on their wheels. The Han River was a black mirror of lights and stars and she loved the balmy air, loved this evening.

They ended up at the railing, standing hip to hip, elbows overlapping, looking out at the water and the lights.

"What are you doing tomorrow? Is your day full?"

"Not really. The agency's a sure thing. They say I have a lot of gifts to pick up. Then I think my mom and dad have a small party planned." She wrinkled her nose. "I just really want to sleep."

He took her hand and cradled it against the railing. "Sorry I woke you up." But he was grinning as he said that. She really loved that grin. She understood why it made millions of people insane. "I missed you," he said softly, looking at the river, gently squeezing her hand.

She took a deep breath, didn't bother hiding how she felt, not this time. "I missed you, too." And she did.

They had... They had an unspoken agreement to take some time apart and see if what they felt for each other was real instead of the dregs of the feelings of the characters they'd played. Time apart that didn't really work, did it, because they had stayed in touch, stayed connected, and neither of them seemed to want to be the one to attempt to disconnect.

On his birthday, their unspoken agreement on text messages ended. Because she had called him, and he had called her, and here he was ten days later.

He turned to her now, smiling. Transferred her hand from one hand to the other as he moved the hand close to her to place his arm around her and tuck her against him. "Happy birthday." He pressed his lips to her forehead.

She savored that kiss and then hid her face against his jacket, loving his scent and how warm he was. "It IS a happy birthday."

And even though she loved her hand in his, she pulled away so she can snake her arm under his jacket and around his waist.

They stayed like that for some time, just holding each other. She loved that he knew when to talk--and they talked a lot--and when to let them both just bask in this new and wonderful thing they had.

Because it was wonderful.

And the next day, when she saw that he'd been up to mischief, she wasn't even angry.

That song-- it was the song he'd shared with her last night when they decided to listen to some music, sharing his earbuds, and then ending up kissing because they always seemed to end up kissing when their faces were close like that. It was natural. It was gravity.

She bit her lips against the remnant sensation. She was smiling as she closed Insta and called him. He was already laughing the moment he picked up.

"I told you they love us."

"Shut up."

#CoreaNews #CoreaFiction #TKEM #TKEM fan fic #lee min ho #kim go eun #mineun couple #mingo couple

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thechampagnelovers · 4 years ago

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First of all: YOU DID A HEADTSAND!!! Congrats I am so excited actually!

I can‘t picture them with red white and blue, I need to google that asgjdkfld.

Okay that actually sounds so cool! I think you explained it quite well actually. I need to try to find the translation for my country and then look into that. It also seems like you have so many different courses condensed under your study? Like writing courses and anthropoly? That is actually so sick! I get why you love studying that. And I am sure you‘ll be right back on track as soon as you can attend uni again.

Okay I am a little tired of saying this but same haha. I am trying everything at this point. I do have to admit I can shy away from very heavy romance because it tires me out sometimes but I am open to everything. Right now I am reading Red, White and Royal Blue, which is also romantic but it seems to be so much more. The reviews were good and I liked the blurb so I bought and I like it so far. Have you read that? But before I read a thriller so the scale is very very broad. What was your favourite book of 2020? And I would LOVE for you to reccomend some latinamerican literature. Hm, well maybe I‘d struggle with the language? Didn‘t think of that obstacle, but I am always interested in finding new stuff and I have definitely not read anything like that before... Did you go and buy books? I think I take fanfiction very lightly. I don‘t think there is anything I wouldn‘t read just because it is a certain ship. So I am really bad at giving boundaries there. I‘ll snoop through your tags if you ever tagged some fics you liked but you can always drop your favourites for me!

Thank you for your kind words. I‘ll need to copy and save those for when I get overwhelmed and need a reminder!

And lastly that comment about the timezones made me laugh so hard. It doesn’t really make sense to me either. I have to google them always and I always forget what they mean and have to re-google. But I think I can remember that. Or I can just guess and see when you answer haha. I hope you had a good breakfast (and lunch and dinner since it‘s already like 7 or 8, correct?) and a good day! x

P.s oh my god I just all the stuff around the number and Zayn too before I decided to compose this ask and pleeease how cute is he and how good do the snippets sound?? Already claiming 4 and 5 haha

thank you jsdfjdshkj i’m so happy i did it! it always feels sooooo good, feeling the energy flowing from your body, it’s so cool.

bro crocs looks so ugly in pics jdjks i swear they’re cuter irl, with a nice pair of jean shorts and a cute shirt or a hoodie

ohhh i want to read red white and royal blue for soooo long now, but books are stupid expensive here, so i always go for second hand books and it’s probably going to be a while until i find it in the second hand book store :/ but i’ve been meaning to read it for so long. my taste is so broad too lmao. i struggled reading so much in 2020 :/ i only read a few books before the pandemic began and just now i’m getting back to it. but one of my faves of 2020 is When God Was a Rabbit by Sarah Winman. and for latinamerican, i am a big Gabriel García Márquez fan, my fav is love in the time of the cholera, but they’re all amazing. i also really like Cortázar <3 Rayuela is just a masterpiece. and you have to read books by Isabel Allende, her most popular book is la casa de los espiritus but i haven’t had time to read it yet (although it’s on my bookshelf) but i recommend it anyways. ughh i know there are more, i wish i could remember rn, and there are many great latinamerican authors who i haven’t had the chance to read yet, but here you have a few to start. some from Colombia, Argentina and Chile <3

and yes, i got one book. i had to contain myself to not go back to my house and grab more money, so i only bought one: los invitados de la princesa by Fernando Savater, who’s another great author i recommend. i read Ética para Amador a few times in high school for literature and philosophy classes, so i’m intrigued to read more of him.

in my fic rec tag there’s mostly fics tagged in the tracksintheam tag, but i have to recommend all the works of my lovely friends @quelsentiment @chrysopon @harrystinyshorts and @rosesau! and i know there are more mutuals i’m forgetting sjkjskd sorry (you can also read my fics if you’re interested) there are mostly larry fics but emmanuelle and i have some of zouis, ziam and ziall too (becuase zayn is our muse). and my all time favourite fic is atlas at last ! i wish i had more but i’m so unorganize with my fics

lol you’re correct, its 8pm rn! it must be so late for you!! we haven’t had dinner yet, in argentina and generally in latam we had dinner around 9-10 pm, my grandma and stepdad are making chicken and it smells amazing

i haven’t heard the snippets yet bc i couldn’t call :( some people send me links but i havent had time to hear them yet, but i trust your taste and if you claim 4 and 5 then i’m claiming them too!

good night love <3

#beer nony #ask #personal

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xoruffitup · 6 years ago

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Burn This First Preview: 3/15 Show Report

OKAY it’s 3 AM and I’m writing this on my phone so the format might be weird, but I have SO MANY thoughts and feels from tonight I’ve got to let the tidal wave out!!

First off - Yes, he looked gorgeous at stage door and he was so kind trying to sign for everyone he could! (The line was longggg.) I GOT HIS AUTOGRAPH AND THANKED HIM FOR SUCH A MOVING PERFORMANCE AND HE SAID “OH THANK YOU VERY MUCH” AND LOOKED UP AT ME WITH HIS GORGEOUS EYES AND GORGEOUS FACE AND THERE IS A PIC OF THIS MOMENT THAT WILL FOREVER LIVE IN MY HEART:

This is my new OTP, folks: Adam/The back of my head!

I attempted to ask for a pic but was hesitant and security had already half pulled him away so he was like “I don’t know if I’ll have time” sounding so nervous about getting to the whole line. BABY <333

Aksjsknsm I can’t believe I was this close to him - It hasn’t fully set in and omg I better just keep writing before it does set in and I lose my shit completely!

Play Highlights! (This list is Plot-Spoiler free.)

Alas, sadly there is not that much nakedness. He takes his pants off in Act 1 but has underwear and a long shirt on. The BEST is when he comes on wearing one of Keri/Anna’s kimono-style purple silk robes in Act 2 - I nearly DIED and cannot believe I saw that with my own eyes!! When he first steps onstage the robe’s open and he’s only wearing underwear so you get a nice chest glimpse, but then he sadly ties it. (Then proceeds to hilariously struggle with getting one of his arms through the complicated sleeves.) Oh, and did I mention the robe was paired with knee-high socks?

Adam is HYSTERICAL. He doesn’t come on stage for about the first twenty minutes, but when he did, it took all of 5 minutes for the audience to be in the palm of his hand, laughing at every other word he said. His delivery of all of Pale’s curse-laden, barely-logical rants and complaints is just masterful in comedic timing and effect. He’s a literal hurricane when he enters the show, flooding the stage with this frenetic, chaotic energy so intense he’s practically vibrating. He keeps everything at break neck pace, through 0-100 highs and lows where he’s bitching about parking one second, then animal-wail crying the next.

His character’s not likeable. Really, this is a testament and praise to Adam’s acting. After his first couple minutes on stage, there were stretches when I literally forgot it was him. When I was so taken in and then repulsed by this character in turns, his acting prowess overcame even my instinct to love him and everything he does on sight. I’m about to get deeper into the weeds on his character in the next section, but suffice it to say Adam’s performance is stellar and completely, convincingly transformative.

How heated does it get? The only intimate scene that happens in front of the audience includes some slow kissing, a bit down Keri/Anna’s neck, and wandering hands. The rest is implied off stage.

The play is set in the 80s, so while Keri looks KILLER in every single outfit, Adam’s suits are all big and baggy as was the style then and they’re not exactly flattering. His costume look is just a bit weird, not nearly as smolderingly hot as how they styled him in the promo pics. But even with that said.... The scene where they’re both close on the couch, talking softly before kissing happens? I would have still gone for him too. ;_;

The rest of this report is going to dive into and attempt to untangle some of the deeper elements and themes of the play. Stop reading here if you’re avoiding spoilers!

To my perspective, this wasn’t really a play about a smoldering, ill-advised love affair. Yes, that’s the main event, but this play is about so much more.

Anna and Pale are star-crossed lovers. No, not in the Disney or destined interpretation - I mean the proper, tragic meaning. Whatever is between them should not exist. Whatever is between them threatens and harms them both. Whatever is between them is not long for this world, and doesn’t belong in it.

But why doesn’t it belong? Sure, there are the technical, superficial reasons: Anna has a boyfriend; Pale is married with kids (though technically separated); They are polar opposite people - Sharing no visible common interests and with temperaments that couldn’t be more opposite.

What is the one thing stronger than all of that, which first brings them together? Their grief; Their shared (yet deeply personal and divergently different) senses of grief; The solace and understanding they can only find for that grief with each other. The loss they’ve both experienced is life-changing, and has no place to fit into or even exist at all in their normal lives.

And so, they hurtle into an affair that also has no place existing in their normal lives. By the end of the play, they both assert “I don’t want this.” To a certain degree, it’s the truth. It’s unlikely either of them would have willfully chosen to pursue the other, had they met under different circumstances. They would likely never have opened or even tapped at the floodgates of their attraction, unless they had both gravitated towards this dark, abnormal part of life outside the realm of everyday lives, jobs, rational behavior, and decisions.

To me, this play was really about confronting that abnormal, primal, and sometimes unfathomable level of being that exists below the everyday. Pale has a memorable remark about all the little lies people live with and show to the world each day. Sometimes - when it is cut open and its value or sense thrown into question by some great tragedy such as a loss like this - you lose touch with that everyday life and the person you think you are within that everyday world. It becomes painfully juxtaposed and shrunk tiny, in the face of something all-encompassing and all-powerful, like grief. It becomes exposed as paper thin; Everything within it questionable and perhaps useless.

There is something of the profound in an emotion like grief. When it’s shared with someone, it’s no wonder that that also unlocks some profound connection. Anna and Pale don’t like each other as people, and they certainly take no enjoyment in the grief that brought them together. Yet, the relationship that blooms from it contains a compulsion and truth neither of them can deny. Even though they “don’t want this” (the rational, everyday side of their minds talking), they both admit they’ve never felt anything like it before, and they keep finding themselves drawn together. They don’t want to want each other - It’s painful and frightening for both of them, and yet their attraction wraps them both just as completely as their grief.

Anna’s boyfriend Burton is the epitome of the everyday. He earns a lot of money, he’s a well-dressed gentleman. He’s a writer, and fancies he can capture and portray the entire spectrum of human emotion. Even “great love,” as he fumblingly attempts to describe towards the play’s beginning. Yet all his talk is vapid and empty; As is his relationship with Anna. Theirs is one of the everyday, rational variety. It belongs with the small lies we live with and put on and speak and perform each day - To keep our lives square and tidy and comprehensible.

Then - There’s the chaotic, unpredictable, bordering violent being of Pale. He is every sincere, larger-than-life emotion and base instinct most people tamp down and deny voice to. He represents the terrible, uncontrollable, threatening Truth of everyday masks, dark desires, and empty identities of performativity.

Their attraction is not something Anna can bear to look in the face. She throws Pale out and ends the relationship because that deeper truth of true emotion unlocked by her grief cannot coexist with her reality. Her ability to continue dancing, to continue the everyday life she’s trying so hard to believe in and trust the purpose of - It cannot contain Pale. He represents and unlocks profound, unknown feeling that casts the waking world as a shadow.

And yet for all that discomfort, she has an artistic breakthrough after the affair with Pale. She is inspired to finally choreograph Robbie’s final send-off piece. And with Anna, Pale unlocked a part of himself that was calm, gentle, and soothed - A version of himself totally incongruous with his own reality and the identity he wears. Both of them are changed through their journey together through the Profound. It is a deeply uncomfortable, destabilizing place that neither of them wish to remain in. And yet its power is undeniable; Its impact unforgettable. The very experience of it is something they seek comfort for and can only find from each other.

Is it better to tell little lies each day so the world will make sense? So you can understand exactly who’s looking back at you in the mirror, and the quotidian will shade your perception of the invisible and unfathomable depths of human experience? So everything will remain neat and in control?

Or - Does it give meaning to abandon control? To surrender to grief and undesired passion, for the sake of a reality that is uncompromisingly, viscerally, heartbreakingly genuine? The harsh, infinite light all the rest of life seems to be constructed to blot from our eyes?

I really hope that as more people see the play, people will start posting their interpretations as well! I would love some good analysis dialogues! In the meantime, I will now slide right back into flaily, trash fangirl mode.... Thank you for reading all this, if you got this far! Go see this marvelous, haunting play if you’re able!!

All the love to my fangirl besties!!! @reylonly Thanks for making it an amazing night! :’)))

#Adam Driver #Burn This #Broadway #Keri Russell #driverdaily

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dyingunknown-blog · 6 years ago

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BEGINNINGS + GENDER

As said in the introduction: this is a selfish blog where I rant about myself and my feelings. Here goes my first ramble. Within this ramble contains bits of: gender, femininity, sexuality and eating disorders. Y’know, the usual mix of edgy Tumblr content. I am posting this in celebration of Pride Month (!!! YAY!!! I HONESTLY LOVE PRIDE MONTH) but also because I’ve had this build up in my heart for too long.

A NOTE BEFORE I BEGIN...

I know you (reader) cannot hear me doing this, so imagine me (author) taking a deep breath, filling my semi spacious lungs, and releasing all that pent up air with a heavy sigh.

Here we fucking go. Here’s to tip of the iceberg, from 4 years of pent up gay shit to recent moments of gentle gender dysmorphia. Do not expect my writing to be fully coherent, nor written in the best grammar. I am writing for my own therapeutic needs, because I gotta get some of this energy released and I have nowhere else to dump this. This piece is a full on rant, as in I literally wrote this angrily tapping away at 2-4 am. However, I’d like to mention that I mean no offence to any parties, and simply want to vent out some of the deep thoughts I’ve been pacing around for the past few years. Feel free to send me a message regarding your personal feelings, or to just chat. I’m always here as a friend and listener <3

WHERE IT ALL BEGAN...

I think I owe myself and you (reader) an explanation on where things began to really start. The main “spark” that got me going and prompted me to start this blog was when I found myself unable to stop playing songs by Dorian Electra. Actually-- to be honest-- it was the music videos that really got me going. The glorious explosion of just “QUEER” screaming and banging its head at my 13 inch Mac Book Pro got me extremely inspired to actually do something about the gross reactions of confusion that were occurring in my brain and body. As Dorian Electra put it, “You know I’m not straight, but I’m gonna give it straight to you.” So here’s my best shot at “giving it straight.”

By the way... I’m from a fairly traditional family with high hopes for me, so the most freedom I can really grasp onto is starting an anonymous Tumblr blog at 2 am laying naked with just my underwear on.

PERSONAL TOPIC 1: GENDER...

So here’s the thing, I stick to my biological birth gender like it’s my lifeline-- my comfort zone-- I guess, if anything. I personally feel like gender and sexuality have their own little symbiotic (or perhaps parasitic???) relationship, where one’s gender impacts their sexuality-- but I can also accept that my understanding is probably not politically correct. I can say, however, with a heavy heart:

I am utterly fucked when I think about my gender and sexuality.

I’ll take it easy first and rope down my feelings towards my gender and its definition. I jokingly scream in the halls that gender is a social construct, but let’s be honest-- is it not? Other than our dongle-longs and hoochie-has, what makes a woman different from a man? I mean maybe it is just the sausage and the grapefruit, but I’d like to argue that... Just kidding, the more I think about it the more I fall into a rabbit hole where I can’t figure out what a male is and what a female is. I mean what are they? Is it based off of the definition I provide for myself, or what society conveniently slams into my face? Is the LGBTQ+ community the people who get to decide or is it the Westboro Baptist Church???

Note: these are not a rhetorical question, please answer this to your opinion because I’m in desperate need of some kind of direction beyond biology. I accept all ideologies and concepts. I’m just hella confused.

Ehem.

Anyways, my own battle with gender goes beyond not knowing where the “line” is, or if it even exists (again, I’m still not sure if this is a personal question or something based on society...) It also goes into where I stand on this polarised scale. See-- I have a bean, a hole, and melons. Alas, in slightly more proper terms, I have a clitoris, vagina and breasts. So what does that mean for me? Am I automatically a woman? For the first 17 years of my life, I would respond to that question with a VERY confident nod. Pink was once my favourite colour, I like boys, dresses, cute animals and romcoms. My physical body only went to assure what I already knew. Now? I’m not so sure. As it is more acceptable nowadays to be “queer,” I’ve slid into the an identity crisis where I realise I’ve never revelled in the fact that I had tiddies, nor felt comfortable about having a coochie. I used to blame my confusion regarding my comfort in my biological gender on the growing queer influences in my life-- after all, everyone wants to be special and sometimes being apart of the LGBTQ+ community is the best way to stand out, especially when it’s being shoved in your face with media. Everyone who comes out of the closet is faced with incredible amounts of love and attention, and my younger self thought “maybe I should get on the boat” hence, labelling myself as bisexual for the longest time without truly feeling like I am (until in recent years.) I blamed my confusion in identity and sexuality on the attention whore who lived inside of my heart. My feelings were only justified as true this year, when I found myself staring at myself in the mirror and couldn’t help but to feel unhappy with what I presented myself with. Undies clad with a slightly cropped black muscle tank, I could see the linings of a “V” line on my lower abdomen and felt kinda hot about it. I did the annoying fuckboy pose (you know, the one where the guy is biting his shirt to reveal his oh-so-humble six pack) and found it... kinda fun? I did have a 36D underboob flail around, but my focus was more on my bottom half, with my Victoria Secret blue lace underwear and masculine illusion. It wasn’t like a grand glorious moment, nor was it like I was the tomboy of the house and everyone just “knew” and I only had to convince myself. Instead, it was an anti-climatic moment where I realised “fuck, I have another problem on my hands that I can’t ignore anymore.”

I don’t know if I truly identify as female or male. Honestly, I don’t really think I need to identify myself, but that’s the 30% of my consciousness who is super queer, chill and cool. See, the other 70% of my mind is going in a frenzy screaming, because I just lost one of my key defining attributes. Think that episode of Spongebob, where Spongebob’s brain cells are screaming and throwing papers around the office setting of his brain.

Another question has also become increasingly relevant in my journey of finding my “true inner zen self.”

Who am I choosing my gender for?

In 2018, and most of the years before, I adored being loved by boys and having guys waggle their dicks like dog tails for my tits and ass, but in 2019, I randomly figured out that I never liked my boobs for anything but that. I mean having an hourglass figure was always (and still is) a goal of mine, but I question for what reason. I’d like to say it’s for personal aesthetic appeal, but it wouldn’t be surprising to me if I just do it so people will like me more. In fact, I battled with bulimia for the very reason of: I don’t know what the fuck I want or like, but the crowd likes “skinny thick” girls so lets do that by purging. Am I currently wearing a waist trainer and corset on top of each other because I like the outcome, or because the people around me like me more for it? I’m trying really hard not to segue into the alluring topic of toxic femininity, because I can rant for HOURS AND PAGES about that, so I’ll just say: I don’t know if I’m being a girl for myself or because I’ll be more liked for it.

In all honesty, the truth regarding my gender became clearer the more I self conscious I became. In 2018, I fell into the trap of sending boys nudes (apologies for the TMI and sorry family if you somehow came across my blog and are currently reading this.) I liked it for a millisecond. Why? Because it felt good to have someone desperate for me. That millisecond died off real fast. My own thoughts pooped my nude Alpha Female party with insecurity and fear of how my body compares to other girls my age. Three days after the first nude I sent I realised I hate my body. I felt empowered in the moment (honestly I do love the feeling of tease. I still do send ohohoho raunchy pics for the pure euphoria of just having someone crave me) but overall just left the experience with lingering guilt and self hatred. I wasn’t sure if I was doing this to please myself or others. I also abhor taking nudes, because I do not think I embody femininity and dislike my body for that very reason. Identifying as male makes me far more comfortable than as identifying as a female. I might have tits, I might have soft facial features, but I just don’t like how I mentally feel like I can’t compare to the unrealistic standard of femininity that women uphold. I spent my whole life trying to tick the boxes under “female,” but always felt like I was just doing the bare minimum... Hence my past is full of desperation, the need to show skin for the sake of proving I’m “sexy” and being perfectly fine with getting mislabeled as a slut at school. Nowadays, I show skin because I’m comfortable and am learning to love my body. I am not okay with slut shaming in general, but I am most definitely not okay with being called a slut either because I’m still a fucking virgin. So hun, I really do wish I could call myself a slut and have that much game, but I’m very far from that.

Anyways, uh more on my gender crisis: I’ve also always adored mens fashion and absolutely revel the aura of being the “alpha.” Ever since my middle school days, I’d secretly snoop around and envy the men’s section of Barney’s and Saks, because it just looks so damn cool. Excuse my lack of “high quality language,” I can hear my English teacher sighing about my lack of “professional” or “appropriate” language, but I really can’t express my feelings regarding mens fashion other than it’s fucking cool. I must say though, my style of clothing and expression of self doesn’t stop itself at mens fashion. In fact, I enjoy dressing to exhort a more dominant presence, whether it’s with a short denim skirt and tight crop top or a loose fitting silk blouse and skinny jeans with a belt. So I guess in a way, my fashion and what I feel comfortable in explains my gender for me. A little bit of both and a little bit of neither. Although the next step would definitely be playing around with my hair and piercing, but I think my traditional family would whoop my ass to the moon if I do it now, and I can’t say I’m not scared of regrets. I just want to discover myself a little more this year...

Regardless, I just wanna further clarify that I don’t feel comfortable being put as female, male or hell-- even androgynous.

And I gotta say, after holding this in and denying it for 4 years, it feels damn good to type it out and admit it.

In deciding to be a “gender”, there are standards. Deciding to be anything comes with the price of standards. I just can’t personally handle not being able to fit into the standards there are for them... Especially now since people are so bothered on being politically correct, so if I’m “not being properly androgynous” or “not properly female,” I’ll get shit on, and if I’m not accepted by the mass majority, I’ll feel societal hate mixed with self hatred.

I also want to say that sometimes I don’t feel like I have the right to be confused or declare a gender because I’ve been on the judgemental side before.

In middle school one of my close friends moved away, and soon later began to label themselves as gender fluid. It was such a new concept that I initially thought that they were doing it as a publicity stunt, but slowly realised that it is indeed who they are. I wasn’t hateful, but I can’t say I’m innocent, even if it was when I was far younger and less understanding. I remember when they first started using their current pronouns, I was confused on how to utilise them and initially disregarded them. Today, I regret my ignorance. Misgendering can always be a mistake, but it can also be extremely spoiled, belittling and condescending. So even though I know someone that probably went through a similar journey as I am today, I feel guilty asking them about it because of the shit I gave them when I was 14.

Additionally, I’m scared of being wrong about myself. I can’t describe it too well, but I’m just scared that I’ll slip up a wrong opinion and then be automatically thrown into the can of “special snowflake wannabe LGBTQ+” when in reality: I truly feel like I’m not of “cisgender” or anything normal. I don’t want to dip too deep into my history with crippling anxiety and experiences with depression, but I will say that I can’t help but to hate myself for being queer too.. Alas, I’ll have to learn how to get over that and continue loving myself, but what the hell am I going to do now? 2k words later and things aren’t exactly clearer, but I can (somewhat) confidently say that I know what I’ll do (for now.)

As of today, June 17, 2019, I have decided to not give a fuck and to simply just identify with the LGBTQ+ community. I don’t feel comfortable identifying as male, female, neither, both, gender fluid, or anything else. I will simply put off gender and let people call me by whatever pronoun they want.

I just wanna be me.

Until I find out something else, or become more comfortable with myself, or gather the confidence to “come out of the closet” and stop being so selfish and finally decide what the hell I am, it’ll probably just be like this for awhile.

And honestly? I think I’m okay with that.

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rkjinwook · 7 years ago

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how far i’ll go 💫

161111 | After your audition piece, the panel members begin to discuss the main points of your performance. Their voices are way too soft, preventing you from getting a clue on what they are talking about. They take a few more minutes to share notes with each other before their attention shifts back to you. Once all of them return to their respective seats, the male instructor sitting on the left of Baek Jiyoung speaks up.

“It was obvious that you were nervous at the beginning of the performance,” he begins. “It’s understandable, but it’s also very important to remember that idols should know how to contain that energy as soon as you stand in front of your audience.”

Another instructor raises the pencil trapped between her fingers to add her own opinion. “I personally noticed how you were going back and forth between extending your emotions towards the audience, and then singing like you are in your own world.” She then smiles at you and continues, “To me, there was a little bit of inconsistency, though I am confident you will be able to smoothen it out with more experience.”

All of them soon get up from their chairs and head out of the room. Baek Jiyoung, however, stops in front of you for a few words. “We have all agreed that we saw something better compared to the last time you were on the MGAs. With that said, I expect that you’re ready to see further improvement with us at Sphere.” The CEO then holds out the envelope in her hand that contains your contract, and flashes a warm smile. “If you have questions, the receptionist will be happy to assist you, alright? Congratulations, Jinwook-sshi.”

jinwook used to lie out for hours at night, watching the movement of the stars across the sky. these were some of the only times when he actually felt comfortable being alone - when he had the stars for company. they shone brightly enough that sometimes, it felt like he could just reach up and grab one, and pull it down to earth, and let it grant his most impossible wishes. all of his dreams felt within reach sometimes, right there on the outskirts of his grandmother’s village.

you can’t see the stars in seoul, though. since he left jeju, jinwook’s learned to seek them out himself. they’re not in the sky, here; he’s discovered them hidden among everyone else. they’re blown up to a hundred times life-size and plastered on the sides of buildings; they’re slinking through side streets, bright hair concealed beneath baseball caps and face masks. they’re fresh-faced trainees handing out flyers on the corner at lunchtime. jinwook’s met a few stars himself; he’s stood eye to eye with the ceo of nova entertainment and felt his intensity even from meters away.

there’s a star right in front of him now, the fairest of them all — jinwook’s heart stops as baek jiyoung approaches, and he wonders if that envelope in her hand means he could be one of them, one day.

her words flow like honey, taking a few moments to seep in. only then, the paper burns bright between his fingertips, and this is how stars are born, thinks jinwook. the pressure gets too hot and too dense that it explodes beyond his heart and past his chest, igniting a fire in him that shoots lightning through his veins.

he bounces on his toes with energy and the audition room swells with stunned laughter, his excitement too much to contain in even the widest of smiles.

left alone, jinwook takes a seat near the end of the panel ( not baek jiyoung’s - talk about sacrilege ). he scrawls his name across the first signature line in sight, so quickly that the ink almost smudges as he skims to find the next blank.

documenting such information is probably against contract, but he takes a picture of each page to send to his father later. it’s a compromise — jinwook’s never been a student who could do readings all the way through in one sitting, but he can’t bear to wait on this opportunity either. maybe part of him fears that if he leaves the building before committing, baek jiyoung will change her mind about him. ( besides, it probably contains all the same clauses as the nova contract, and he had studied that one ad nauseum. )

after each page is initialed, jinwook squats with his camera app still open and sets the side of his phone level on the table: an angled, artsy shot of his signature, crisp black on white with sphere’s letterhead in soft focus above it. though he won’t be able to use the photo for anything public, it’s a little keepsake for a moment worth savoring.

he switches apps and repeats the shot, this time in snapchat, captioned with exclamation points and a wide range of emoji stickers. it’s intended for his siblings and a few of his closest friends. after a moment’s hesitation, jinwook adds all his old sphere teammates to the recipient list as well.

a flip of the camera frames his follow-up message, a cheesy selfie blurred by excitement. this one goes to jinri: “lunch on me??!”

after excitedly texting his family, jinri’s the first person he wants to celebrate with, given how big of a role she played in his journey here. it hits him that she’s somewhere in the building at this very moment. she even knows where his audition room was scheduled, though she wouldn’t be careless enough to linger around.

jinwook’s eyes drop to the contract again, reminded of the rules contained within it. his pinky trails the margins of the heavy, official papers as he hunts for one tiny clause. his gaze lingers when he finds it - all trainees will not be allowed to date while signed under sphere entertainment.

the stern print gives him pause. it’s been a few months since jinri’s breached her own contract, and nothing bad has come of their relationship - but still, jinwook isn’t flippant about breaking rules. not usually.

in a fit of petulance, he snaps a pic of the pesky, unforgiving sentence. he doodles a broken heart in the margin of the photo and sends it off to jinri with a sense of invincibility. nothing has to change.

he just wants to see her. he flips the signed contract closed and practically skips down the halls with it. the receptionist shares a knowing smile at jinwook’s glowing aura as she accepts the envelope from him.

( he’s familiar with her by now. it’s same woman who’d checked him in every day during the mgas. even if the receptionist doesn’t remember him, she will learn quickly, jinwook thinks. she’ll be seeing a lot more of him from now on. )

under the table he hooks his ankle into jinri’s, a natural, practiced motion. it’s subtle, like it’s always had to be, like it always will be - even more so now that both of them are under sphere’s watch.

“…something better than they last saw in the mgas,” he continues without missing a beat, his voice imitating the cadence of baek jiyoung’s. “then she said congratulations and gave me the contract, and then… that was it, i guess? it was that simple?”

jinwook recalls the stomach-turning stress of his nova audition in august. he’d normally shudder at the memory, but today a light laugh bubbles up out of him instead.

“you know,” he says, slowing his words so he can consider each one before voicing it. “i thought my heart was still with royal, but i feel like this must be in the stars, or something.” he looks up and flushes at the intensity of jinri’s gaze. it’s not exactly table talk, but he’s afraid he’ll lose the words if he doesn’t say them as they come. “really. maybe it’s you, maybe i’d just agree with anything baek jiyoung said. i know beggars shouldn’t be choosers…” he swallows and nudges jinri’s ankle, a small smile lifting his lips with the remark. “but something keeps bringing me back to sphere.”

2014-high-school-graduate-jinwook, pouring his heart out to the stars, would take comfort in knowing that his prayers were worth something after all. he’d hardly believe his eyes. jinwook’s gotten into university, moved to the big city, competed on tv, got the girl, got the dream job.

so much change in the past three years! he just hopes he can make it all work together. jinwook closes his eyes and imagines the next two years under sphere entertainment — there’s just no telling how far he’ll go.

#& solo #& sph #submission #rkjinri #( i lost this in my drafts for? 11 months #( that's so embarrassing i'm so sorry #( love u admods #spherecasting #wc/1.1k #& arc

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waxeight06-blog · 6 years ago

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The Weekly Roundup: Your Go-To Guide For Everything You May Have Missed This Week & More! 12/01 – 12/07

Welcome to Ben Greenfield's Weekly Roundup and Cool New Discoveries!

Ben Greenfield's discoveries from the latest news from the fronts of fitness, nutrition, health, wellness, biohacking and anti-aging research. I also recap my upcoming events and special announcements so you can keep up with giveaways, discounts, and more!

New Discoveries Of The Week: Cool New Things I'm Trying, Books I'm Reading, And More!

– A Crazy New Essential Oil I'm Using For Sex/Dreams/Euphoria

Ultrasonic Damiana: My friend Dr. Nick Berry (previous and fascinating podcast guest here) occasionally sends me crazy brews and blends from his secret lab in Oregon, and the latest is quite intriguing. It's called “damiana”. The ingredients of his so-called “Ultrasonic Damiana Tincture” include organic honey spirits, filtered water and organic damiana extract. It is described as slightly euphoric, uplifting and warming to the digestive system and also stimulates the abdomen, sexual organs and solar plexus.

I've definitely gotten pretty euphoric, and quite horny, several times when using this tincture. There's a more thorough description of the product and if you wish to dive into Dr. Berry's thoughts/feelings on his Ultrasonic Damiana Tincture here (where you can also read about the synergy of high dosage damiana and mugwort if a night of really pleasant vivid dreaming is your thing).

– Sensory Deprivation/Sleep Biohack

David Delight MindAlive PRO: Even though I've owned a David Delight for over a year, I've recently been breaking it out for long airplane rides, naps on the most stressful days of the week, or to initiate sleep/beat insomnia and…holy hell. I'd forgotten about the potency of this thing (and am kicking myself for forgetting I had it tucked underneath my couch with a few other biohacks I'd forgotten about). It is a small, phone-sized device that uses pulses of auditory and visual stimuli to alter your brainwaves, and it does so quite dramatically. It also contains a built-in cranial electrical stimulation feature that plummets your cortisol and puts you into relaxation very quickly.

I consider it, from a sensory standpoint, to be the technological equivalent of a float tank. You simply put on the glasses, attach a clip to each earlobe, place headphones in each ear and you're “dead to the world”. It also comes with a handy connection that lets you pipe in sounds from your iPhone if you want to combine it with binaural beats, white noise, music, etc. Well worth owning, in my opinion. You can get the exact model I own on Amazon here. It's a bit of a trip too when combined with psilocybin, LSD, the damiana oil above, or marijuana (for those of you who are more hedonistic).

Podcasts I Recorded This Week:

Articles & Podcasts I Was Featured In This Week:

– No Proof Energy Drinks Harm Blood Vessels, Unhealthy for Other Reasons

– MindBodyGreen podcast: Daily Biohacks ANYONE should try that are minimal effort and affordable

– Why I Started Training with Ben Greenfield

– Keys For Brain Health and Cognitive Function with Ben Greenfield

Special Announcements:

::: My Mindvalley Quest Course for Optimizing Beauty and Longevity is Finally Live! :::

My obsession with longevity started when I recently took a telomere test, which gives you a measure of your biological age by analyzing your DNA found in your white blood cells. I took the test when I was 34, and discovered despite my best intentions that my body was actually aging faster.

My motivation to reverse the clock was fired. Research, self-experimentation, analyzing my fitness and nutrition, I was delighted upon retesting my telomeres again earlier this year to discover that I managed to shave 17 years off my biological age.

What surprised me most was that I was able to achieve this through protocols and biohacks that were EASY. No fancy equipment. No wildly complex or long workout sessions. No expensive pills or creams.

So here it is. In my first Mindvalley Masterclass, I disclose the most powerful protocols you can apply in your life now to elevate key pillars in your wellbeing (namely your health, fitness, beauty and longevity). Sign up, free, today, here.

::: Take Your Productivity and Focus to the Next Level in 2019 :::

Join me in this free masterclass for enhancing your cognition, focus, and memory where you'll learn the proprietary Superhuman Brain Methodology: simple checklists, step-by-step solutions and little-known protocols that invite healing, brain upgrades and next-level performance.

Whether you're in need of healing or simply enhancing your brainpower, you are going to learn practical wisdom and next-level hacks to enhance your brain function. These tips are priceless and will last you a lifetime. The Superhuman Brain Masterclass is online and begins Monday! Register here today.

::: Save $30 on the WHOOP Self Quantification Wristband :::

Know someone who's ready to start tracking their health insights in 2019 so they can make informed choices about their diet, supplementation, exercise and recovery routine? WHOOP could be the perfect gift…

Monitoring recovery is, in my opinion, the main thing that sets WHOOP apart from other wearables, aside from the simple, personal preference of wearing a wristband, waistband, ring or other. “Recovery” is basically how well-prepared WHOOP predicts your body is for taking on more ‘strain.' It also gives you a very accurate heart rate variability (HRV) measurement that is taken during the last 5 minutes of your slow wave sleep (aka deep sleep) each night, unlike other wearables. Get more information on WHOOP and take a deep dive into their fascinating patented, technology, here.

Upcoming Events:

– December 2 – 8, 2018: RUNGA Retreat, Dominican Republic. You're invited to join me at RUNGA in December 2018. Join me in the Dominican Republic, one of the most beautiful places in the Caribbean, for this retreat. In all RUNGA activities, RUNGA invites you to come home to yourself. To see everything you'll be getting into, just click here. Use code BEN when you register so you get your gift when you arrive! I'll be there, too. Join the waitlist here.

– December 14 – 16, 2018: World Congress 2018 Hosted by the American Academy of Anti-Aging Medicine, Las Vegas, Nevada. If you attend any conference this year, make it the American Academy of Anti-Aging Medicine’s 26th Annual World Congress. The fact is, in an era of andropause, low drive and deteriorating men's health, it's shocking that both practitioners and the public aren't aware of ancestral wisdom and modern scientific and medical tactics that can be used to optimize male physiology. It's time that changed, and I'll be teaching exactly how to make men, men again. Join me!

– Jan 20 – 21, 2019: Serious Business Conference, New Orleans, Louisiana. This conference is going invoke thought and insight and expose you to new ideas and thinking on self-development and business in the beauty industry. Register here.

– April 6 – 7, 2019: FitCon Summit, Salt Lake City, Utah. FitCon® encourages everyone to Find Their Fit. It does not matter whether it is powerlifting, Crossfit, bodybuilding, roller derby, or even axe throwing. Be sure to visit the Kion booth in the expo!

-View the Official Ben Greenfield Fitness Calendar Here

This Week's Most Popular Instagram Pic:

This Week's Most Popular Tweet:

https://t.co/3YFkusMvWS

— Ben Greenfield (@bengreenfield) November 27, 2018

My Most Popular Facebook Post This Week:

Big takeaways from the ketamine journey at BioresetMedical.com: 1) Love More, Give More;2) God Is, Love Is;3) Jessa, Ben, River & Terran live a life of helping others and spreading peace, love and joy – I as a leader must be an example for my family of how to do that;4) I have a very high amount of yang, physical, carnal, sexual energy that I must channel and pray to God to help me direct into yin, loving, giving energy, especially if I am to avoid the constant temptation to achieve, impress and satisfy the flesh.5) I am a King, a Leader & a Lover.

Posted by Ben Greenfield Fitness on Saturday, December 1, 2018

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Ben Greenfield Fitness saved to “Ben's Nutrition Advice.”��Read the article here.