#i will try to wake up early tomorrow tho perhaps

[guinevereslancelot]

nooo early spring sunlight, don't get dark i'm still depressed haha

[goosetheluce]

Close Your Eyes (Villain!Gwen Stacy x Fem!Reader)

info: blood (no overwhelming grossness tho), murder, implied homophobia, fist fight, implied sexual harrassment (over quickly), cussing, a bit dark imo, toxic love, obsessive!gwen, suggestive kissing, no smut obv, reader is scared but into it

☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

You laid there on your back, eyes tracing the textured patterns of the ceiling. Your hands were folded while resting on your too-warm pillow. Your whole body buzzed with heat and jealousy. Your girlfriend had ditched you for the second time that week, radiating impatience before hastily climbing back down the staircase passing your window. Her excuses had been laughable. You flailed in your sheets, trying to find a comfortable position.

It felt like poison was dripping into your blood by the second. You kicked everything off of you, letting the cool air drift over your sweat-soaked body. You sighed and swung your legs over your bed.

Might as well shower at this point.

You opted to freeze the shower up, tensing as you first stepped in. The water cascaded down your sweltering skin. You sighed as you remembered Gwen's blue stare flitting around your room, always leading back to your window. She was clearly itching to get out.

"Gwen, what's your deal?" you had demanded in irritation. "Did you even hear what I just said?"

Her face jerked back to meet yours in embarrassment. Gwen's words began to fumble before they left her tongue.

"Wha- yeah, of course, Y/N, I just- you know..." she groaned. "Okay, I'm sorry. I'm just thinking a lot lately."

You felt guilty. You knew she was going through a lot, trying to make sense of the newfound powers that she gained after she had been bitten by a radioactive spider. Gwen had shown you a few weeks after she was bitten. You were dumbfounded, and frankly scared for her. She crawled stealthily up your walls and heard what you said under your breath across the room. She was easily faster than anyone, alive or dead.

But was it really a gain? The circles beneath her eyes had darkened to a deep, purplish shade of her skin, and her grades had fallen into an uncharacteristic pit. She had even left The Mary Janes, nearly collapsing into your arms when she snuck into your window that night.

Gwen was tired, and you could feel it in every fiber of your being as her mind began to tangle into dark knots.

You pulled her into your arms, kissing the top of her head softly. You drank in the scent of her dry shampoo, citrusy and sweet. She wrapped her arms around you, curling into your touch. You wondered if Gwen had shuddered from the air of your fan, or if she had repressed a sob. You felt her pain as your own, but it stung when she said she needed to wake up early tomorrow.

Tomorrow was Saturday.

You closed your eyes and lifted your face up, hoping the arctic water would wash your thoughts away.

It didn't.

It was nearing midnight now as you slid your pajamas on. You looked out of your window, subconsciously looking for Gwen's teasing grin. You missed your girlfriend in ways that couldn't be fixed with biweekly visits anymore. She had begun to collapse beneath your fingertips, falling apart like unbaked clay.

You recalled her irritability that had increased with her stress. Gwen would never hurt you, but you grimaced at the sharp memory of the growing black in her eyes. Not literally, of course, but something different swam in her pale depths. Hatred, perhaps, is the best word.

A chill spread down your spine as sirens shrieked down the street. Gwen would never hurt you, you mentally repeated.

But she might hurt someone else.

You had given up on sleep, tiptoeing through the choppy hallways of your flat. The walls had been weathered with the complex's troubled nature; arguments broke out from every side of your little box. Sometimes they even erupted inside. So, it wasn't hard to conclude that the random patches of instability in your walls were really holes punched in by past tenants.

You downed a glass of water from the sink, not bothering with the plastic package of bottles. You checked your phone, tapping away at the screen but not really caring about the notifications.

Your stomach churned with uneasiness. You could never really leave the subject of Gwen. You plopped down into a chair at the counter of your kitchen, pulling a strand of your hair and watching it bounce back.

"What the fuck did you say to her, you little freak?" Gwen demanded roughly. She was closing in on him.

"Told her she's too pretty to be with a girl, what are you gonna do about it?"

You seethed behind Gwen. You had nearly put your own hands on him, but she grabbed your wrist before stepping in front of you. Her shoulders had risen like a cornered animal.

"Oh, she's pretty alright, and way out of your fucking league," she laughed coldly.

He chucked a ball of saliva in Gwen's face. The breaking point.

She threw the first punch. Then the second and the third.

Shrieks of encouragement erupted from the crowd as you stood there, frozen. Gwen's chest heaved as she stared at the boy. He was unsteady on his feet, his arms swaying as he shakily got up. Phone cameras towered from arms in a group of what must have been twenty or thirty kids. Gwen took a final step forward to kick him to the ground, her blow landing right in his ribs. He coughed violently before falling backwards. She had knocked the air out of his lungs.

"Don't even look at her again," Gwen spat, venom dangerously boiling in her expression. Her eyes glinted with sadistic joy. She swiftly walked towards you, gently placing her hand on your back before wrapping it around your shoulder.

"He won't bother you anymore," she assured you, squeezing your arm. "So much for a relaxing day in the park, right?" You couldn't even process what just happened. You snapped back to your senses, whirling around.

"Do you realize you absolutely can and will get suspended if those videos reach the administrators?" you exclaimed. "This is so unlike you!"

She stopped and turned her head to look in your eyes. Her height casted a shadow across your face. Her pupils were tight pinpoints.

"I did it for you," Gwen said simply, her aura pitch black.

It was that day that you realized something was wrong.

The microwave read 12:24 AM. Your eyelids finally began to fall, though you were still sitting at your counter. You slouched over and landed heavily on your feet.

You switched the light off in your room and fell deadweight into bed. You sighed into your pillow before flipping back around to lie on your back. You thought by now you'd be able to drift off.

Your hopes were crushed as an icy chill washed over your skin and your eyes snapped open. Something was off. Your gaze moved towards your window, and a lithe figure darted away at the last second. You bolted upright, heart pounding. You threw the covers over and sprinted towards the window. Whatever was outside had fled the area. You shuttered the blinds closed and whirled around to inspect your room. Paranoia crept into your nervous system.

You were still catching your breath when you rushed to get your sneakers on. Whatever was staring through your window was too fast to be a person.

A normal person, at least. So what did Gwen want after she had left so early?

You listened closely to your father's area of the apartment. Obnoxious snoring gave you the green, and you shut the front door behind you. You ran down the stairwell and surveyed the area.

"Gwen!" you called out once you were far enough. You jogged down the block underneath the street lamps. You realized soon enough that you hadn't thought the whole thing through; you didn't even have a weapon on you. The inky night crept up and enveloped you in apprehension.

"Gwen, c'mon, I don't have time for this, I saw you."

A hand settled on your shoulder, but brought no relief: you knew from the thicker grip that it wasn't Gwen's fingers. You ripped away and turned to face him.

"Hey, hon, who's Gwen? She as cute as you?"

This isn't happening.

"Sorry if I was being loud, sir," you whispered shakily as you stumbled back.

"What was that? Can't hear ya," he laughed hoarsely, taking a step forward. He took a drag of his cigarette and threw it on the concrete in front of him, grinding it out with his shoe. You thanked yourself for staying along the streetlights. Although, you realized, it wasn't the busiest road. You silently prayed for Gwen to make an appearance.

"I..." you started, but couldn't finish. Terror nipped at your legs. You wondered how fast they could take you, what the best route would be.

Whatever, just go!

You nervously smiled before bolting as fast as you could. The ground was slippery, and the creep behind you began to chase. The sound of his boots hitting the pavement close behind you allowed a scream to bubble up in your throat.

"Gwen!"

The man sounded like he had slipped and fell on the ground; more than that, like he had broken every bone in his body with the way he called out. You gasped for air and looked over your shoulder, slowing for just a second. Relief washed over you as you caught the sight of Gwen's undercut and rose-colored ends.

"Close your eyes, Y/N."

You didn't obey. Your eyes stayed peeled open as you witnessed your girlfriend take someone's life, watched as he spluttered and gasped for air with her fingers twisted into his flesh. Her gaze was alight with disgust and enjoyment as she drained his soul away. His eyes glazed over; his body went limp. Rubies spilled out onto the curb and dripped down the storm drain.

As if she sensed the impending shriek sitting in your chest, Gwen whipped around and jumped toward you. She took your body and leaped onto a rooftop, slapping a hand over your mouth tightly. Blood coated your skin as she covered your lips, hot and sticky; thicker than the humid night.

She held you close and stared into your wide, teary eyes. Her grip on the lower half of your face was strong, but not threatening. Gwen leaned forward, her heavy breath tickling your ear.

"Gotta promise me that you won't scream, sweetheart."

Tears rolled down your face and over her hand, your breath quivering. A heavy metallic odor permeated through the air and into your nose. You nodded quickly, grasping desperately onto her arm for reassurance.

Gwen's face twisted with guilt. She'd never wanted to scare you. She timidly loosened her grip and shifted her long digits across your face to cup your cheek. Warm crimson slicked further over your skin as her gentle hand settled in its new spot. A fire sparked in your core.

"I told you to close your eyes baby."

You sobbed while nodding, blood trickling into your mouth as soon as it opened.

"I'm sorry, Gwen-"

Your sentence was halved as her mouth crashed against yours. She whined against your lips and pulled your waist tightly against hers, sighing over you with every break. Gwen feasted hungrily, grazing her teeth over your shoulders and collarbone.

"No, babygirl, it's my fault. I'm so sorry," she gasped against your skin. She held you firmly in her grip. "I'm sorry for not telling you everything, sorry for watching you. I have to keep my girl safe."

You cried out, emotionally overstimulated from the adrenaline of the chase and the murder. Worse than that, you liked it. You liked seeing her splattered with blood, psychotic rage blazing in her stare, going to any length to keep you safe.

"You're different, Gwen," you sniffled as she nuzzled into your neck. She pulled back, her lips swollen from kissing you.

"I know. Will everything be okay? With us?" she rasped lowly.

All you could do was close the gap between your faces once more, smirking against her lips. Gwen was different, but you were flexible.

☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

[lulubelle814]

Just Dizziness - Chapter 32

Waking up, a heat could be felt along my back, warm breath on my neck, a heavy arm across my abdomen in a tight but comforting hold that helped chase away some of the lingering memories of last night’s nightmare.  I don’t know what I’d do if he forgot me.  I suppose it gives me some tiny inkling of what he’s been going through perhaps.  I don’t know that I could really ever imagine it or understand how he’s felt through all of this.  His seemingly never ending patience and love has been what’s helped keep me as together as I have been.  I don’t know what I’d do without him.

Looking at the clock and then the calendar, I realized my first therapy day is finally here. I couldn't quite decipher how I was feeling about it. Anxiety? Excitement? Fear? I don't know. I just know I can't go on living like this. Tom has been extremely supportive but this is no way for either of us to live. He can’t keep putting off his work, and we can’t keep pretending on the good days that there’s not a problem, as much as I would like to.

“I can hear you thinking.  It’s too early for that.”

Rather than respond, I turn over and tuck my head into his chest, pretending the rest of the world doesn’t exist, at least for the moment.

“What’s wrong, love?”

Electing to not respond, I burrowed further into his chest, if that was even possible, and wrapped my arms around him.  I would have run my hands under his shirt, but he only had his boxer briefs on.  So I tried to squish myself as close to him as I could, taking in as much of his touch and smell as possible.

“Talk to me, love.  I can’t help if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”

I knew he was right.  “I don’t know why, but I’m anxious about the appointment today.”

Placing his arms around me, he rested his chin on my head.  “I’m pretty sure that’s normal.  This is something new, and it’ll be talking and tackling some really tough things.  It won’t be easy, but I think it’ll help a lot, and I’ll be here with you every step of the way.”

“Promise?”

“Promise,” his voice sounding reassuring.

I looked up enough to gently kiss him.  It seemed he always knew what to say, how to help me feel better. 

After a while, we finally pried ourselves out of bed for some tea and breakfast.  While Tom made the tea, I made pancakes.  “I love your pancakes.  Hell, I love anything you make.”

“You’re the better cook here, and we both know that.”

As he wrapped his arms around me from behind, he responded, “lies, and you know that.”

"My dear husband, calling me a liar? My, oh my.  I think you forgot the incident of the brownies?"

"To be fair, it was a new recipe, and the pages got stuck together. "

"Don't forget about the garlic bread?"

"That could have happened to anyone."

"Three times??"

"Ok, so you can't make garlic bread. Big deal."

"There's also the creme brulee." 

"You are still not allowed near a torch. Ok, I get your point, but you try, and that's what I love. You make so many things so well."  And with that, he kissed me on the temple, effectively saying the conversation was over.

Half way through breakfast, a buzzing noise startled both of us out of our breakfast bliss.  He checked his phone.  “Not me.”  Puzzled, I looked at my phone.  “Who could possibly be texting me?”  After a moment, I found my phone back in the kitchen next to the stove and brought it back to the table.

Emma: Good morning! 

Sophie: Hey Ladies!

Emma: Lunch tomorrow?

“It’s your sister!  She’s wanting to get together for lunch tomorrow. Looks like she's invited Sophie as well.“

“That sounds like fun!  Lunch with the girls.”

Sophie: I'll have to check in with hubs to see if he can watch the kids but maybe. I could use some kid free girl time. 

“I don’t know tho….” I felt hesitant.  While it felt nice to be invited out, I didn’t know about going somewhere involving people who knew me but that I couldn’t remember.

“If you’re not comfortable with it, that’s ok.  I’m sure they’d understand.  Emma has some idea of what’s going on.  You could text or call her separately, and she’d happily cover for you, or I could talk to Ben who could talk to Sophie.  I’m sure Sophie would understand.  Plus we have that appointment with Dr. Bertram this afternoon.  This could be a good thing to bring up to her and ask her how to handle it.  For now though, if you don’t want to, let Emma know, or I can.  Or we can make plans and use that to let them know you’re not available.”

I couldn’t help but grin as he prattled on, listing idea after idea to help me feel more comfortable.  All of his suggestions and ideas helped me feel at least somewhat better.  I know I have to figure out how to handle this at some point, but having his support is incredible.

“Didn’t we….uhhhh…..didn’t we talk about maybe going to the art museum?”  I suggested.

“You know what, I believe we did.  That and a bookstore, or two, I think you had heard about?  In fact, I think we have talked a bit about a few things, and tomorrow is a fantastic day to accomplish them.”  He gave his million dollar smile before giving a loving kiss and clearing the table as we had finished breakfast.  I couldn’t have asked for a better husband.

Me: So sorry. Have plans with Tom. Raincheck?

I responded to Emma and Sophie and set myself a reminder to maybe talk to Emma later about my reservations about getting together with both her and Sophie. Maybe I can ask Dr. Bertram about this, if not this afternoon then the following appointment?  I know I can't hide forever.

It didn’t take 2 minutes before my phone started ringing.  Seeing Emma’s name on the screen, I knew why she was calling.

“It’s Emma, isn’t it?  I swear she’s a mind reader, the next Psychic Sally.”

"I’m so sorry.  It’s too soon, isn’t it?"

I could hear her starting her washer in the background. Must be her laundry day which reminded me of the laundry I needed to do. I headed upstairs to gather the dirty laundry as I started responding to her. "I’m not even going to ask how you knew."

"I remembered our conversation from dinner at mum’s and put 2 and 2 together.  I’m sorry to have put you in an awkward position." Her voice sounded both hesitant and remorseful. 

"It’s ok Em.  You were just trying to do something nice, and I appreciate that.  It’s just….." I wasn't entirely sure how to continue that sentence, the laundry basket now hanging half full on my hip. 

"No, I get it.  I’d feel weird too having lunch with someone who knew me but couldn’t remember them.  If you change your mind though, the invitation is open.  If you ever want to get together, just you and me, I’m always up for lunch, dinner, shopping, etc." She sounded much more hopeful now. 

I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding and continued filling the basket. 

"Thanks, Em.  It’s not that I don’t want to get together with the 3 of us at some point, and I know I can’t hide forever.  Just so much to process still. Tom and I have our first appointment with the therapist this afternoon, and I’m so nervous with that alone."

‘It’s completely ok.  I’m always here if you want to talk, any time.  Maybe we could go for breakfast tomorrow before you and Tom go out on your newly planned adventure?’

I couldn’t help but laugh as I headed to the laundry room with an overly full basket of dirty laundry.

‘I think Tom and I can plan around you and I having breakfast.  Let's say 8? I'll pick you up? ’

"Sounds fantastic.  See you tomorrow!"

"And don't worry about Sophie.  It doesn't look like she'll be able to make it, but if she does, I'll cover for you. "

"Thanks again Em."

With that, I hung up the phone and started throwing laundry in the machine. Tom even brought the sheets while the washer ran the first load and placed new ones on the bed.

5 hours and 4 loads of laundry later, it was time to start getting ready. 

It was as if he could sense the anxiety seeping back in and wrapped his arms around me, giving a tight hug.  “I just finished putting the laundry away so we can relax after our appointment which will go well.  If it doesn’t, we don’t have to go back.”

I looked up at him as I responded, “promise?”

His chest rumbled as he let out a low chortle.  “I promise.  We can always find someone else should we decide to continue.”

Looking up at him, I was still feeling a bit unsure, and he responded in kind.  “I will also treat you to ice cream afterwards, regardless of how the appointment goes.”

“I’m holding you to that mister.”

We both wanted to make a good impression.  So Tom wore his signature blue sweater with his jeans and gray suede shoes while I wore one of my cable knit sweaters with skinny jeans and brown knee high boots as it was getting colder outside.  Plus, I could fidget with the sleeves throughout the drive there and during the appointment.

It felt like we were already at her door in the blink of an eye.  Her assistant, Julie, was extremely nice, offering us a beverage (water, tea, or coffee) while we waited, which thankfully wasn’t more than a few minutes.  Dr. Bertram opened the door to her office and had a warm smile on her face.  “Good afternoon!  You must be Mr. and Mrs. Hiddleston.  It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

I already felt comfortable with her, just by her presence alone.  She wasn’t super tall, about my height.  What I loved was both her hair and her outfit.  She had this beautiful teal dyed hair that hit just past her shoulders and her outfit was incredible: a white shirt with black angled lines, muted, wide leg yellow pants, and black sandal type shoes. I don't know why I thought she would be older with some type of stuffy outfit and thick rimmed glasses.  I just hope she isn't the kind who just responds with "and how do you feel about that?"

We introduced ourselves before she guided us over to an incredibly comfortable couch. 

"So to start off, I know formalities say to call me Dr. Bertram. There are those who prefer that because either they feel more comfortable calling me that or because that's part of what they're paying for. If you'd like, you can call me Natalie or Nat if that feels more comfortable. I really don't have a preference. "

Tom jumped right in.  “Thank you so much Dr. Bertram.  That’s very generous of you.  I’m as we get to know you, we’ll figure out what we feel more comfortable with.”  And with that, he gave a light smile, signaling that he was almost as nervous as me.

“Before we get started, let's run through what the basics are along with the options.  As I’m sure you read, and my assistant should have also given you the information, we can meet here as well as your home or other locations depending on preference and need.  Depending on the situation and such, we would meet one or more times a week, some may be with both or some with just you,” she said as she gestured to me, “based on the information sent over; however, that all depends on if you choose to proceed with me and vice versa.  I know there's anxiety over trying to find the right therapist.  If you feel I may not be the right one for you, I promise there are no hard feelings and would be more than happy to help you look for another one.  The same is true if I feel I realize I am not the right one for you as well.  The goal is you and your well-being, not to try and make me happy or force it to work with a therapist who is not truly helping you.  Sometimes you’ll know right away, but it can also take a few sessions.”

I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding as I laid my head against Tom’s shoulder, him returning the sentiment.  In doing so, the muscles in his arms and neck start to slowly relax.  

Before Tom could speak, I cut him off.  “Thank you so much.  We’ll definitely keep that in mind.  How long are the sessions?  How will we know where they will occur as well?”

“Excellent questions!  Sessions are typically 50 minutes; however, if agreed ahead of time and dependent on availability and circumstances, they can be longer as needed.  At the end of each session, we’ll agree on the time and place of the following session unless you would like to have a set time and place for upcoming sessions which can be adjusted as needed.

“I also wanted to let you know one other thing before we begin.  I am not one of those therapists who goes ‘and how do you feel about that’ about everything in our sessions.  I may ask it occasionally, but it’s not my style.  I know some prefer it.  If that’s what you are looking for, I can refer you to a couple of therapists…”

“NO!”  We practically shouted at her before she could finish, looking at each other to see who wanted to continue explaining, but I let Tom take the wheel on this one.  “That’s very much NOT what we’re looking for.  It’s one of the main reasons we would have eliminated you as a therapist, to be honest.  It annoys both of us to no end just thinking about it as it is not our style either.”

We all gave a low chuckle.  “So we’ve covered the basics.  If you have any questions at any time, feel free to ask.  If you’re okay with it, I’d like to dive into why you both came in today.  I’ve read the paperwork, but I’d like to hear it from both of you if that’s alright.”

This is it.  I took a deep breath before I began.

“Okay, where to begin…..”

She smiled and responded, “I find the beginning is usually best.”

“That might be the tricky part.  I guess the question then would be, which part is the beginning?”

Chapter 33

[mindself]

Mind did not want to focus. Super tired even tho i slept like 7 hrs or more (felt like i didnt sleep that grear tho-- light sleeping rather than good rest) Didn't feel like waking up but my mind started waking up. So i might as well have gotten up. I don't have to go anywhere today. I should get some things done. But i think my mind is just tired from not resting last weekend. I did rest.... but not enough apparently. Driving wears me out no matter what else i do, even tho I've been driving for over 20 years. I think irregular schedule wears me out too, along with getting up in the morning even tho it's not that early and driving right away. Also if i have to go somewhere in the morning i often wake up earlier than i need to bc my mind is telling me i have to get up in the morning! Not that early tho! If i don't get 8 hours of sleep my mind is not at optimum which i hate. 7 is ok but not enough and gradually adds up negatively. And if i slept weird like waking up a lot it's even worse than not getting those hours at all. Plus it's even harder to get up now with sleeping pills and forcing myself to wake up even with coffee is draining (rather than easing into the day by 11 when my mind begins to work.... I used to be a morning person before my arm injury messed up my sleep schedule!!!). Perhaps trying to figure out things and not having them figured out for 15 years is also stressful-- and pressure building yearly ... even more this y bc i have to move out by October lol... And stress is stressful like i was driving in a storm last weekend and car went thru a puddle and stalled. Panicked. This happened last year and car battery died amd i had to get it towed. And im terrrified of car accidents... even more bc my car insurance shot up this y after scraping another car just a little in a parking lot... over $100 just to tow the car last year for a block and find nothing wrong w it.... It takes me a long time to recover from any kind of stress (why i avoid people... interaction takes too much out of me and i lose time and panic and have to rest)

I also have a slight headache today. And have vacation next week so im probably like why work just today. My sister is coming tomorrow and if im not rested i might do sth i regret. Need to charge energy for being with people (even tho i like my sister it all adds up) -- including a baby shower for my cousin on Sunday-- and driving on Saturday like 23 miles... packing.... switching gears...

May be from last weekend/needing to rest... maybe i am sick tho bc i haven't felt normal for a while. A sort of brain fog. This morning i heard my bagel pop up in the toaster and i . Opened the microwave. Brain glitches like that plus spacing out and not remembering things. Hard to think.

Maybe its built up stress since i can't handle trying to figure things out/pressure of not having it figured out yet. Why. Why can't i handke actual normal things

Maybe i need a vacation (but i need a vacation like. Every other week if the week + weekend is full .. Can't get anything done like that!!!). Maybe something is seriously wrong w me.

I was going to look up things on my phone this morning but as usual i checked my tumblr but this time i totally forgot what i was doing and was scrolling tumblr for a while without realizing it. Like i needed to actually do something (or SHOULD). I even forgot i needed to take a shower this morning. Suddenly i remembered. Well if I'm not getting anything else done i might as well take a shower...

Then i went to get dressed but even got diverted from that lol and started rearrranging the magnets on the magnet board on my dresser (one of those calendar ones-- mom gave me it for organizing but i just used it for magnets and putting cards, pictures etc on).

Maybe my mind is telling me i need to take a break. The one day i dont neeed to do anything. Even tho i SHOULDNT NEED TO TAKE A BREAK AFTER SO LITTLE

[dialovers-translations]

Diabolik Lovers VANDEAD CARNIVAL ;; Sleeping Vampire ー Sakamaki Ayato

Source: Diabolik Lovers Vandead Carnival

Seiyuu: Midorikawa Hikaru

Audio: Here

→  LIKE MY TRANSLATIONS? SUPPORT ME ON KO-FI!

Ayato takes a seat on your bed.

*Thud*

"Che...Oi, wake up, Chichinashi. I don’t mind assaultin’ you in your sleep like usual. But I’m not really hungry, you know. I actually came all the way to your room to have you keep me company, so whatcha sleepin’ for, huh? Geez. Wake up already! (1) It’d be hella dull if you’re just snoozin’ away, right? Come on, look this way!

*Rustle*

“What? You really think you can pretend to be asleep and trick me with that crappy act of yours? Hehe...Well, I don’t mind playin’ along though? You’re basically givin’ me a free pass to do anythin’ I want, right? Hmー... Touchin’ you somewhere you wouldn’t want me to sounds fun...but to your current self, anythin’ I do is basically a reward. You’ve gotten totally used to it...You’re the scary one of us two. You feign ignorance, but you can’t fight back ‘gainst my fangs. If anything...They make you totally happy. ...For real, that’s what makes you fascinatin’, hehe.

Speaking of which, I feel like I haven’t seen you twist your face in fear very much as of late. Even the face you make when in pain...always changes right away? You end up looking at me with a longing expression...Well, that’s not bad either though? Hehe. I won’t let you deny it, you know? ‘Bout the expressions you make to entice men. ...It’s a conscious decision you make, isn’t you?”

You remain quiet.

“Che...You’re really persistin’ ‘bout pretendin’ to be asleep, huh? Fine by me? In that case, I’ll do as I please too. Your expression yearnin’ for pleasure isn’t the only face I wanna see you make after all. Seeing you shake all over like a fool from fear, or even hearing you cry out like an idiot from the pain and sufferin’ would work too. Also...Those eyes full of despair, not even capable of sheddin’ tears are quite the treat as well. ...Aah, makes me wanna see them again for the first time in a while. Say...You don’t mind, do you?

You still give no reaction.

“...Che. Oi, Chichinashi! This is the part where you jump up and make a fool out of yourself by gettin’ mad, no!? The fuck’s up with that reaction? It’s annoyin’! At this rate, I’m actually gonna do it, you know? My fangs only ever make you happy...so I’ll do somethin’ different. ...Hehe. Seems like you think that you’ve been through hell and back already. But that was only the very beginning. I’m more than capable of givin’ you a taste of pain you’ve never experienced before, don’t forget that? I’ll test whether you can...endure it or not.”

You flinch.

“Haha...You’ve got your brows furrowed, you know? (2) Even if you tense up your body, it’ll still hurt...and you’d still suffer...right? Better not regret it? Nn...”

*Smooch*

*Rustle rustle*

You open your eyes.

“Pfft...That face! What are you looking so surprised ‘bout? Haha...Nn...”

*Smooch*

*Rustle rustle*

“You’ve finally woken up, huh?”

*Thud*

“Oi! Don’t be pushin’ me away from the moment you open your eyes! Hehe...Aren’t your cheeks a lil’ flushed?”

You ask him what this is about

“You wanna know what I’m doin’? ...Kissin’ you, duh. I don’t know what you were thinkin’ I’d do...but you like this sorta stuff, don’t you? You had this really dreamy look in your eyes after I kissed you, you know? Well, I’m the one kissin’ you. I guess that’s a given. 

You try and explain your reaction.

Even so...Don’t be resistin’ when I’m kissin’ me. Ahー Did you think I’d do somethin’ a little more intense? Say...What were you imaginin’ while layin’ there with your eyes closed?”

You refuse to say.

“I’m askin’ you a question so answer me. You thought I’d do something a little more extreme, didn’t you?”

You avert your gaze.

“Hehe...Oi, what’s your answer? You can shake your head and pretend to be innocent all you want, but I already know what kinda girl you are deep down. You were imaginin’ what horrible things I’d do to you, weren’t you?”

You bite your bottom lip.

“Say...Just a few smooches doesn’t satisfy you, does it?”

You puff out your cheeks.

“Haha...Ahー Geez, shut up. Don’t get your panties in a knot. You’re the one who kept quiet this whole time, and now you’re this wide awake. You’re a hundred years too early to try and defy me.”

You ask him to stop.

“...’Stop’? Hmph. You think you have the right to say that? I’m hurt. I mean, you tried to deceive me just now, didn’t you? Why were you pretendin’ to be asleep?”

You explain.

“Hah? You were actually sleepin’? Are you stupid? No way I’d listen to your excuses!”

*Rustle rustle*

“...Where do you think you’re goin’? Don’t move without my permission.”

You try and blame Ayato for sneaking into your room. 

“Haah? I attack you during your sleep all the time though? Why complain about it now?”

You tell him you want to sleep now.

“Fool. You really think I care if you’re tired or not? Why are you so tired anyway? ...Che, were you doin’ somethin’ behind my back? Don’t tell me...You haven’t been bitten by one of the other dudes, right? You know what will happen if you let someone else suck your bloo...Wait, that’s not the case?”

You try and explain yourself.

“You were studyin’ the whole time...Up until this late at night? Well, that’s not my problem tho...”

You point out that Ayato has gotten the same assignment. 

“It does? ...Homework? Math problems? ...No idea. I don’t even know which problems you’re talkin’ ‘bout.”

You tell him there will be a test as well. 

“A test for English class? No clue either. ...Why, you ask? ...I was asleep durin’ class so how do you expect me to remember?”

You sigh.

“Wouldn’t anyone grow sleepy whem havin’ to listen to some teacher recitin’ formulas or English phrases like it’s some sort of spell?”

You tell him it’s important to write that stuff down. 

“Haah? Why would I take notes? I don’t need that crap, and even if I do, I can just steal yours.”

You complain.

“Fuck off! Don’t talk all high and mighty for a Chichinashi! You keep on tellin’ me not to snooze during class but who gives a damn? Listenin’ to those borin’ lectures like you do isn’t my cup of tea.”

You tell him he’ll be in trouble for the exams next week.

“...Aah? We’ve got tests next week as well? First thing I hear ‘bout that.”

You scold him.

“...Aah!? Shut up! Who cares ‘bout that trivial crap!?”

You warn Ayato about having to repeat his year.

“...Heeh? You’re worried ‘bout me havin’ to repeat my year, huh? Aah, right. I guess you don’t want us to get separated.”

You shake your head.

“Aah? You wouldn’t like that, no?”

You shrug.

“For example...You’ll no longer be able to beg for my fangs whenever you’re craving them, you know?”

You get flustered again.

“Haha...What? Sometimes you’re the one who asks for it, remember? Being all like ‘I want to be pierced by Ayato-kun’s fangs so badly, I don’t know what to do with myself!’ Even if you don’t voice it out loud, it’s written all over your face, you know?”

You try and deny it.

“Haha...That’s what it looks like to me so can you blame me? For example...Right. You were spacin’ out during last period yesterday, weren’t you?”

You tell him that’s not true.

“Nah, I remember? Your jaw was all slacked (3), I was actually wonderin’ whether you’d start droolin’ or not. ...You were thinkin’ of me, weren’t you?”

You shake your head.

“Don’t lie! Then why did you have that dreamy look in your eyes!? You’ve been tellin’ me off for sleepin’ during class, so there’s no way you’d admit you were sleepy yourself and yawned, right? So, what was the deal, huh?”

You don’t reply.

“...Hehe. Since you’re stayin’ quiet, you’re basically admittin’ it, huh? What were you daydreamin’ ‘bout during class? Come on, tell me. ...Specifyin’ which part of me you were thinkin’ ‘bout is fine as well, you know?”

You tell him to stop since he already saw right through you.

“Shut up! I don’t care if I’m right or not! Answer me...Is it my fangs you like? Or perhaps...”

*Rustle rustle*

*Sluuuurp*

“Nn...This tongue? Haha...You like gettin’ licked, don’t you?”

You flinch.

“Say, does bein’ licked really feel that good? ...Hehe. Ahー I guess it depends on where I lick you? Well, I know all of your sensitive spots tho. You prefer bein’ licked over bein’ carrassed, no? How is it?”

You look away.

“If you don’t give me an answer soon, I’ll only keep on addin’ questions? It’d be in your best interest to stop blushin’ and just honestly tell me, you know?”

You respond.

“...Haha. You should have just genuinely admitted you like it right away. Well, it’s something I already knew though. That you just love me oh-so much.”

You tell Ayato it’s embarrassing to hear him confess his love like that.

“Hehe...You’re the one who confessed, no? You like bein’ licked by my tongue, don’t you?”

You whimper softly.

“...Haha. You’ve totally gotten a taste of it.”

You blink in confusion.

“Of what, you ask? The taste of joy from bein’ toyed ‘round with like this?”

You deny it.

“Hah...? Oi, what didya say just now?”

You repeat it.

“Heeh, you really think you can tell me you hate me and get away with it?”

You retaliate.

“That’s exactly the part of me you dislike? ...What a cruel woman you are. I’m doin’ this to please you tho?”

You frown.

“What? Got a problem with that?”

You reply.

“Heeh...You’ve sure got guts. But you won’t get away talkin’ back to me like that. If you wanna know what I’ll do...For starters, I’ll kick you out from underneath these soft, comfortable covers...How ‘bout payin’ a visit to the torture chamber for the first time in a while? Hehe...I won’t let you say you’ve forgotten ‘bout that place.”

Your eyes widen.

“Hehe...Seems like imaginin’ it gave you a good wake-up call.”

You tell him it’s bed time. 

“Shut up. Do you really need to sleep? I’m invitin’ you along to keep me company. You should feel honored?”

You remind Ayato that you have school tomorrow.

“Aah? You really think I’d give a damn ‘bout classes tomorrow? If you get sleepy, you can just snooze there, or you could always skip school as well. ...Hah? Whatcha mean, you’d leave me behind and go to classes? You really think I’d let you? Fool! For one, why are you so damn fussy ‘bout goin’ to class? I take my eyes off you for one second and you’ve run off to some other classroom...Just the other day, you didn’t come back until 3rd period!”

You explain.

“...Off-campus activities? You were participatin’ in that shit? ...What I did in the meantime...? Nothin’, really. When I woke up, the classroom was empty, so I decided to kill time by sleepin’ some more but you just wouldn’t come back...So when I wandered ‘round the hallway for a bit, I messed up and let Reiji find me. I panciked and made a run for it, endin’ up in the broadcastin’ room. Mr. Sleepyhead was snoozin’ soundly there, so I decided to drop one of the vases in the room on the floor. Yet he wouldn’t wake up at all! That dude definitely has some screws loose!”

You tell him off. 

“Aah? Who cares ‘bout a stupid vase or two. I was honestly goin’ to throw it at him, but it was heavy so I scratched that idea.”

You tell him that would have hurt Shuu.

“The fuck...? Don’t be worryin’ ‘bout some other guy!”

You ask if he’s upset because you were worried about Shuu.

“Of course. What else could I mean? Geez...I was runnin’ ‘round lookin’ for you ‘cause you had disappeared, remember?”

You explain.

“Fuck off! Whether it’s goin’ to another classroom (4) or havin’ to go change for P.E., you just wander off on your own too often! You really expect me to remember our time table? ...Hmph! You can just drag me along to the next classroom, can’t you? ...It’s dull ‘cause you keep on disappearin’ on me without a word of warning.”

You sigh.

“Hmph. I’m definitely not lettin’ you sleep until it gets dark outside...We’re skippin’ school today.”

You protest.

“Heeh...Then let’s see if you can lull me to sleep instead. Hehe. Give it a try if you dare. However, I slept through most classes except for gym today, so it’s not gonna be easy?”

You ask for a hint.

“A hint? How am I supposed to think of somethin’ when I’m the one who can’t sleep? On top of that, you have to do the work, right? ...Hehe. Altho I feel like I’d only feel even more awake if you were to sing me a lullaby or somethin’. What else...I guess you could read me a book too. Hmー Actually, there’s this book I’ve been curious ‘bout, so read it to me.”

You ask for the title.

“The title? What was it again? ...I don’t remember, but the contents seemed really excitin’. It was somethin’ ‘bout what happens beyond the stuff they teach you in health class (5)...Which means it has a bunch of good stuff written in there, right? I’m sure it teaches you ‘bout the things left out by the textbooks, don’t you think? Hehe, aren’t you curious too? I’m pretty sure I saw it layin’ ‘round in Laito’s room...”

You seem skeptical.

“Hehe...Exactly. I saw it lined up in that freak’s room. Seeing as he kept it on the very back of the shelf, I’m pretty sure the contents are pretty extreme...? Say, doesn’t that pique your interest?”

You tell him it is an anatomy book.

“Ahー A book on the human body? Then, it’d talk ‘bout the different mechanisms of the body too, righ?”

You explain.

“Hah?  It has anatomy drawings in it? The different parts of the ‘capillary vessels’...And now in English? (5) Don’t think you can deceive me like that! ...Whatever. I’ll find out once I go fetch it.”

You frown.

“I’m looking forward to it, you know? Especially...the erotic scenes and such? I don’t mind if you teach me directly with your body either? Aah, by the way, you can’t just read it with a monotone voice, okay? Make sure to put some emotion in there. ...While imaginin’ it, okay? If there’s a part you don’t get, I’ll teach you. For example...Like this, perhaps?”

*Rustle rustle*

“Haha...What’s with that...Pfft...lame reaction?”

You get mad.

“Ahー I know! Stop complainin’ and get to business.”

You frown.

“Whatever, just listen to what I say. You want me to fall asleep, don’t you? Then you’ll have to do somethin’ ‘bout that. And who knows, your book-reading might actually do the trick.”

You nod.

“Haha, if you understand...then hurry up and go get the book.”

You open your mouth to protest.

“I’m not listenin’ to what you have to say. Come on, get movin’. Ahー... But, I guess I can’t let you go to that pervert’s room at this hour.”

Ayato moves away

*Rustle*

“I’ll go get it instead so wait here, ‘kay? I’ll choose a really intense one. Once I’ve got my hands on the book, I’ll have you read it out loud no matter what, okay? Hehe.

You tug him back into the bed by his sleeve.

*Rustle*

"That hurt! Che...Grabbin’ me so aggressively, when the fuck did you get that strong?”

You apologize.

“Hehe...Well, this isn’t a big deal. More importantly...What do you want from me to grab me that desperately? You don’t want me to go get the book? But aren’t you the one who said you wanted to put me to bed? Or maybe...Ahー I see. ...Since you’re this frantic, I guess you really don’t want me to leave your bed, huh? If you admit you don’t want us to be apart for even one second, I don’t mind listenin’ to your request? So...Beg me not to leave.”

You whisper.

“...Can’t hear you. Well then, guess I’ll go fetch that pervert’s book...”

You grab hold of his hand.

*Rustle*

“Haha...Didn’t think I’d see you cling onto me like that.”

You try and explain yourself.

“What part am I wrong about? You don’t want me to leave, right? I won’t let you say it’s just ‘cause you don’t wanna read the book. Hehe...Be honest with yourself already. You don’t want to be separated from me, do you?”

You nod.

“Heehー Fine, fine. If you want me to stay close that badly, I’ll embrace you...like this.”

*Rustle rustle*

“...Your heart’s beatin’ way too fast. Are you that happy? Also...Nn...You smell sweet. I wonder why you smell this sweet...?”

You ask if he’ll suck your blood.

“Not really...I’m not gonna suck your blood today.”

You seem puzzled.

“...Since you seem to want it so badly, I won’t.”

You giggle.

“Don’t laugh. Instead...”

*Rustle rustle*

“Mmh...”

*Smooch*

“Hah...Haha, that expression...I can’t get enough of it. What do you mean? ...Exactly like I said. I mean you’re incredibly cute.”

You protest.

“What’s the problem? I feel that way so just honestly accept it.”

You note that Ayato is acting off.

“It’s out-of-character for me...? I don’t go ‘round sayin’ this to just ‘bout anyone, you know? ...Hehe. It’s written all over your face that you’re actually barely containin’ your joy. Well, I guess that’s to be expected since I made an exception to praise you like that. Come on...Cling onto me tighter. Nn...”

*Smooch*

“You should take some initiative as well. While kissin’...I’ll let you do as you please.”

You kiss him.

*Smooch*

“...Pfft. You suck. Press them properly against each other. That wasn’t nearly enough. More...Nn...”

*Smooch*

“Hehe...It’s already night out, huh?”

You seem worried about school.

“...Well, I don’t mind lettin’ you sleep soon. ...If you were to fall asleep now, you’d still be in the land of dreams by the time the limousine leaves after all.”

You shake your head.

“What? You’re gonna go to school without gettin’ any sleep? Che...Don’t be actin’ like such a miss goody-two shoes. Hold up...Oi. Your eyes are already startin’ to look drowsy...Well, fallin’ asleep while kissin’ doesn’t sound half bad either, does it?”

He kisses you again.

“Nn...”

*Smooch*

“Hehe...Dozin’ off while entangled like this might be nice too. The possessive side inside of me will feel satisfied seeing your melted expression, and at some point, I’ll just nod off without realizin’...I thought that was normal but this might be another way to go ‘bout it as well. I’ll kiss you, so just go sleep already...Nn.”

*Smooch*

You try your best to stay awake.

“Just forget ‘bout school. You’d just fall asleep during the test if you were to go, don’t you think? Stop strugglin’ in vain already. Instead of...goin’ to that stupid school, you should just stay with me the whole time...I’m tellin’ you you can sleep in my arms.”

You blush.

“That way, you won’t suddenly disappear on me the second I take my eyes off you. You’re always talkin’ ‘bout havin’ to collect hand-outs or cleanin’ the classroom (7), right? There’s no need for you to do that shit though. You should only ever work for my sake. For one, I don’t like it when you get up from your seat...Actually, why do we have individual seats at school anyway? They should just use sofas instead.”

*Rustle*

“That’d be perfect to keep you locked in my embrace like this...don’t you think? I definitely won’t let you go. ...Hehe, just give up. You can no longer run. Fall asleep already. ...Goodnight.”

You close your eyes.

“...What? You actually fell asleep? ...Pfft. What a silly face. You’ve got your mouth wide open, you know? This kind of expression of yours...It’s not that interesting, but not bad either. Nn...”

*Smooch*

“I didn’t think I’d feel this way...just from connectin’ our lips. Say...How ‘bout you? Che, she’s sound asleep...Guess she won’t wake up anymore now that it’s this late. Hehe...I won’t allow you to dream ‘bout some other guy, okay? Only ever...look at me...”

Ayato closes his eyes as well.

Once you wake up tomorrow morning...You better tell me...what you dreamt about...”

He dozes off.

“Nn...Yui...I love you...Nn...”

ーー THE END ーー

Translation notes

(1) 目をさます or ‘me o samasu’ literally means ‘to open one’s eyes’, but in English the verb ‘to wake up’ is actually a little more accurate.

(2) Literally he points out that there are ‘wrinkles’ in between her eyebrows. 

(3) しまりのない or ‘shimari no nai’ is always tricky for me to translate because it means ‘loose’, ‘lax’ or ‘slack’. I can’t help but feel like it sounds awkward in English though. 

(4) At Japanese high schools, the students generally stay in the same classroom while the teachers swap. However, for certain classes such as art, music and science, they may have to move to another classroom which has the right equipment. These are called ‘移動教室’ or ‘idou-kyoushitsu’ which means ‘moving classroom’, literally. 

(5) Sex education is also a part of 保健体育 or ‘hoken-taiku’ which is ‘health class’, so I’m sure Ayato is talking about some sort of erotic novel.

(6) Literally he asks her what language she is speaking, implying he has no idea what she is talking about.

(7) Students at Japanese middle & high schools usually help out with several tasks such as cleaning the classroom after classes are over, or collecting print-outs and carrying them to the staff room. Even in the games, there’s a bunch of scenarios where Yui is asked to do that sort of stuff. 

[jesslivesau]

jess au @iloveeverythingwaytoomuch

pre show jess: doesn't know anything except that sam told her some fucked up shit and she didn't really believe him much like amelia didn't believe jimmy but what's clear to her is that sam's upbringing was deeply fucked up in what might've been some kind of apocalypse doomsday cult and she can say "sam, it wasn't real" as much as she can til she's blue in the face but it isn't going to change the fact that sam is Deeply Fucked Up by Shit. and it upsets her and confuses her but he does a good job of setting it aside or knowing when to give in and he's such a sweet and Loving Dude otherwise so she just files it away in her bf trauma bank and keeps cheering him on

s1 jess: your bf's CRAZY brother shows up says he needs help finding your bf's CRAZY dad who may or may not have been part of a doomsday cult and you say, bitch i watched the heaven's gate documentary there is NO WAY i'm letting you leave with him, but he's not gonna Stay cuz he insists it's just for one night (and his brother DOES seem relatively stable, like, as a person), so jess insists she'll go too. while she's in the back seat sam tells dean he told her everything dean's like lol. sure. you believe in ghosts, sweetheart? and jess is like no but i do believe that i'll kick your ass if we don't get home in time for sam's interview tomorrow morning. and then the whole white woman thing happens and she's like oh fuck it's REAL but they DO GO HOME and instead of jess dying on the ceiling there's like idk ghost mary on the ceiling or some shit and they NARROWLY escape the fire together andddd idk they can't go back to stanford cuz it's not safe and their apartment complex literally went up in flames. there’s a more complex reason here but idk what it is. maybe it was brady (demon brady) who died or something IDK LISTEN ITS JUST AN AU

anyway all of season 1 when they’re trying to track down john jess is the voice of reason asking why do they need john in the first place? And eventually sam is like listen we don’t need HIM but if he’s got research on where yellow eyes is, that’s what we need. and dean is mad about that and he’s mad at jess and they bicker like crazy. and sam sleeps on the floor because dean is like dude cmon. don’t make me sleep in the same room as you and your gf together. maybe meg gets replaced by meg possessing jess, and she doesn’t get thrown out the window so when they exorcise her she just needs a hospital and then she’ll be ok. and that would explain why she’s in the hospital and not there for the finale, but can meet up with sam & john & dean in the hospital after

s2 jess: sam is so consumed by grief and fear that jess is actually the first one to notice that dean’s spirit might still be still Around. i’m imagining a scene where sam is asleep next to dean’s bed and jess is awake, and she slowly looks around towards dean and you see ghost!dean Connecting with her for the first time

obviously, all the grief episodes keep happening. maybe jess got seriously hurt as well tbh so she goes back to her parents house to recover; there’s an episode where the boys go meet her parents and dean and sam’s Daddy Issues come out in full force. eventually jess is back and kicking ass and slowly getting along more with dean, partially perhaps because of dean’s Grief Response to john’s death, which is that all the anger and hate comes bubbling up, and jess is like i don’t fucking know this dude, but from what sam’s told me, i hate him, which is not something that sam is in a position to Deal With right now. things proceed pretty much along the course

i am considering now if jess could also be a special child. she also has some kind of psychic abilities but i’d have to choose something cool for her. anyway if she IS then that gets her in the town with sam in all hell breaks loose which i think is the best place for her during that arc? i know all the other special children supposedly had to die but maybe her psychic power was to go inviisble or something lmfao i don’t fucking know. anyway dean has his sad monologue but jess either (a) fully shuts down or (b) just goes STRAIGHT to hunt down whatever the fuck his name is. jake? leverage man? that would be dope actually. and then actually dean, sam, bobby, and ellen actually meet her at the hell’s gate

s3 jess: truly does not understand why they’re hunting. gets into arguments with the boys all the time about how this is pointless, if you’re not gonna try and save yourself then why can’t you just put it down and let yourself have this year?? and dean’s a little bit like you know what jessica that makes a lot of damn sense. but it makes sam mad and they argue a lot about it and jess probably takes off halfway through the season. maybe after malleus maleficarum? partly cuz that’s the ep where ruby more or less becomes part of the team and also when she confirms that she can’t save dean from hell. and i just feel like jess would be like i cannot.... Sit Here.... and watch you both drive yourself into the ground. dean, if you’re gonna die, sam’s coming after you. you knew that. you just didn’t want him to go first.

maybe dean hits her lmfao and sam screams at him for it and jess just Walks Away, tearfully

s4 jess: so jess bailed midway through s3, but when dean wakes up and starts making calls in that phonebooth, he calls bobby and bobby hangs up, so he calls jess. and she comes and gets him.

jess and sam are obviously not together anymore, but jess is totally civil with sam and even with ruby. she’s like we can work together, it’s fine, whatever. and this is the season where dean and jess really bond and become a good Team. and cas is just usually confused why jess is Around but eventually gets used to her. i’ve toyed with jess being jewish which would lend a good and also funny perspective to all the heaven and hell stuff

jess heard about hell first from dean, but not the specifics of the stuff that dean told sam, not until after on the head of a pin. she’s their Lore Expert on seals and is trying to identify as many of them as possible so they can put in place safeguards, and maybe that bumps her up against angel priorities for an episode. maybe we get an episode where cas has to Threaten her 00 and he can say something like sam and dean are important..... you are not. remember that. and then [flappy wings vanish]

uhhhh jess’s siren in the siren episode....... is just like a carbon copy of sam lmfao. which is extremely funny and sam and jess will both kind of awkwardly clear their throats and not address that. i guess jess is just fucking stuck with bobby during the finale because the point of her presence is that she’s so USELESS to both demons and angels

s5 jess:  i’d probably add in an early episode where her parents are killed, probably by demons because the demons know they can’t touch the winchesters due to angel shit but they can fuck up jess as much as they want. then when sam and dean temporarily split up jess would go with dean cuz she’s a hunter now and has nowhere else to go and it doesn’t feel right to just sit around with sam. or maybe she also leaves and splits up and doesn’t stick with dean cuz she’s processing her own traumatic shit. at any rate, early in the season there’s a moment where sam is Gone and dean and jess are drinking together and talking about their feelings and they have a moment where they gaze at each other in the eyes and almost lean towards each other.... then jess goes you know what? this is fucking weird and dean is like oh thank god you said that absolutely this is too weird

in The End, it’s revealed that jess was killed and no one will tell dean more information or talk about her until he finds out that she was pregnant when she was killed (presumably with sammifer’s baby)

in changing channels they get put into a telenovela and sam and jess have an tearful emotionally charged confession scene in spanish. this is about when sam and jess finally get back together [cue cheering]

in the chuck eps it’s revealed chuck rewrote it so that jess died on the ceiling in the first book cuz he was like “i just didn’t think it made sense for her to be alive! it was literary symmetry that’s all!”

in sam, interrupted when sam is all high on meds that’s when he says lots of kooky sweet shit to jess about wanting to MARRY her and have a FAMILY together and it’s sweet and also dean throws up in his mouth a little bit having to hear it

in my bloody valentine the thing that jess is hungry for is Family but i do not know the logistics of how

in dark side of the moon jess does die with the boys but it takes a while to find her, tho they eventually do in one of sam’s favorite memories (probably from the first time they met or something). she’s like what the fuck i’m jewish

no, i have no clue how she factors into swan song. she just does, ok. lucifer can snap her neck along with bobby’s

s6 jess: she tried to check in with dean occasionally at the braedens, and actually had dinner with them once but started checking in less and less as the year went on, and it turns out she knew that sam was back and she’d been hunting with him + the campbells and a couple things

when dean finds out he is truly FURIOUS, but jess is like dean i saw you with lisa and ben! i saw you getting better! i saw you happy, i saw you ok, and hell i’ve only known you since you showed up in palo alto five years ago but it was the most at peace i’ve ever seen you, and i couldn’t take that away from you, and neither could sam.

she’s also like yes, dean, he’s different, he’s colder, it makes me sad but who was the one who put up with YOU when you were spiralling after your dad’s death? or when you were all buttoned up after you came back from hell? he did! so show him a god damn OUNCE of empathy, would you!

and when they find out he’s soulless jess is like. hm. and dean is like i TOLD you there was something wrong with him!!! and jess is like i mean.... yeah....... and maybe i didn’t really want to admit it... cuz.... the sex was So good.........

[soulless sam winks at her]

anyway, s6 happens the way it happens and that’s fine

s7: the only important thing that happens in s7 is that Season Seven, It’s Time For a Wedding! is actually about some sort of monster and the only way to kill it is to cast a spell but the spell must be cast by “two warriors joined before god” which means married and cas is awkward about it cuz he doesn’t want to Presume Anything 

and the whole episode is lots of sam and jess being like “i mean, of course, if you want to..... .like, but if you DON’T, that’s also totally fine, of course.... you know.... whatever you’re comfortable with” until finally they’re in the final battle and cas has to marry them the way barbossa does for will and elizabeth in potc and when dean is pinned against the wall by the monster he goes “DAMMIT JESS WILL YOU KISS MY BROTHER ALREADY” and then sam dips jess in a kiss and the monster is instantly obliterated [heart eyes]

i truly genuinely do not remember anything that happens in s7. anyway jess and sam are married now

s8: sam was with jess the whole year dean was in purgatory. they were struggling to get back to normal life after everything. dean is still fucking mad that sam didn’t go looking for him. i assume everything else goes pretty much according to whatever the fuck happened in s8 except jess at one point has to go to bat for benny cuz sam for some reason hates him so much

i’ve been toying with the idea of jess doing the trials not sam but i mean how can i take that away from my Boy

s9: i do not know anything that happened in this season ):

s10: see above

s11: see above

s12: now i never watched s12, but in this au there is no lucifer’s son jack. instead jess gets pregnant midway through the season; cas finds out first because he can sense it and he’s like why does it feel like there’s an extra being in the bunker, and then he spills to dean cuz he can’t keep a secret, and then dean is like “oh shit what are you gonna do” and jess is like well!!!! sam and i.... talked about this. we were.....open to the possibility. and dean is like wtf how could u possibly bring a child into this world that’s fucked up adn cas is like [wipes tear] that’s beautiful

anyway when they come back from some kind of hunt (probably something that involved claire) and sam and jess are in the bunker, sam goes “jess, seeing claire, seeing jody and the girls.... it makes me think.... i wanna have a family with you” and jess hugs him and then cas walks into the bunker with dean and is like “oh, have you told him about the baby?” and everyone SCREAMS at him

and cas uses his annual miracle allowance to just reverse time about 30 seconds so when he enters the bunker he just goes “i have nothing to say” and Fucking Leaves

the baby is born in the back of the impala in the s12 finale, on the way to the hospital. dean is devastated. he’ll have to reupholster the WHOLE THING. sam accidentally names the baby john but they don’t want to tell dean that so they decide to call him jack.

s13-15 gets to be mostly about how cute it is to have a wittle baby in the bunker. cas is the best babysitter because he loves babies and is very powerful so he can protect him. the occultum nonsense in s15 can be about finding a Safe Place for baby jack, no matter what happens to the rest of the world. sam tells jess, you go with him, you’ll be safe there. dean tells sam, you go with them, you’ll be safe there. all of that good good cute family stuff. was it the best idea to have a baby in the middle of constant apocalypses? maybe not, but like, they are ALWAYS in constant apocalypses, so at some point you just have to bite the bullet

anyway. please clap

[celawrites]

Day 31

bRRRINGGG

“What the fuck it’s 7 in the morning on a Saturday”

“Heard you got a date”

“Who’s this?”

“Este-”

“Goodnight call me in an hour then we can talk”

“WaIT I LITERALLY GOT UP EARLY FOR YOU-”

Call ended.

I doze off again. It’s short-lived, considering that Estelle knows the password to my home and barges in with Beanie and Misty to prep me for a 3am date. Please let me live I’m just trying to vibe and get those tablecloths HHHHH.

“wAKE UP SLEEPING BEAUTY IT’S TIME TO GET PREPPED”

“The hang out is at 3am on Sunday let me sleep please I’m gonna need it”

“Wait. SUNDAY?”

“If that stalker chat that you, Z, A, and Mint have heard me, it’s on Sunday”

“Wait I was so sure it was on Saturday”

“I told Sun last minute to change it to Sunday night.”

“That’s boring”

“Then let me sleep. Please”

“30 minutes. And since you’re gonna be vibing on early Monday morning, we’re switching the hang out date to today”

“You know what. Get out let me take out my contacts and retainers and we can go somewhere. You’ve somehow woken me up already”

“Meet us downstairs then”

“Mhm”

I take an antagonizingly slow time to get ready and Misty almost breaks my bedroom door down to murder me. I open the door before she gets the chance to though.

“Alright let’s go”

“Look at you! All dolled up”

“I’m literally just wearing the outfit I ordered off of the internet the other day”

“The really aesthetic one? OH WE SHOULD GO TO ONE OF THOSE MINIMALIST CAFES”

“uHhh?”

“Wait search for a place we can ditch J for the day.”

“Girls day out?”

“Girls day out”

I text Sun a quick ‘can’t wait for tomorrow!’ and a reminder that I like him. Misty searches for a place before remembering somewhere.

“That one cafe in uh. The super minimalist one?”

“Oh the Korean one right?”

“Yeah.”

“Who’s driving”

“Not me-”

“I’ll drive. I have the most stamina out of us all” Beanie pipes up.

“Lifesaver”

“We LOvE YoUUU”

“Mhm sure you do”

“Taking back my words”

“nOOOO IM SORRY”

The drive to the cafe is just a vibe. It feels like summer in the car. The way you scream to lyrics with your friends, drive on a near empty highway, and just vibe. I miss my younger years but also look forward to the ones ahead.

“We’re here”

“Already?”

“The highway was nearly empty today”

“True”

The cafe visit is simple. It’s soft, and there’s alot of things you want to do. But of course, photos come first. There’s at least 20 photos taken before we all settle down and have our coffee. We’re catching up on college letters when an awfully familiar voice cuts me out.

“What are you doing here?”

“Madison?”

“Are you stalking me?”

“Pfft. Her stalking you? That’s entertaining” Beanie cuts her off before I can say anything.

A boy walks in after her.

“Hey babe I just parked the car what did you want-”

I tilt my head in confusion. Wasn’t this Rain? He doesn’t know what Serenity looks like but I know how he looked because of his submission of being an editor.

I fumble out my phone and text Rain immediately.

Clown: rAIN RAIN DID YOU GET A GIRLFRIEND?

Rain: Wait how did you know-

Clown: Wait I thought you lived in NY?

Rain: I do? Did something happen?

Clown: I met someone who looks like you He isn’t on his phone though so nvm

Rain: Alright then Lmk if you need anything else

Clown: Thank you!

“This girl right here. Is stalking me” Madison pouts and glares at me.

“Is she one of your fans?”

“I don’t know. I told you I never told anyone about my identity!” she whines.

“Sorry babe, you know it’s hard”

I take a look at her boyfriend. He’s probably around 6 feet tall, has brown eyes, and he looks painfully familiar. Someone of my past perhaps? I shake those thoughts away as I reel back into the conversation from earlier.

“Sorry about that anyways”

“Oh that new movie that’s coming out! I’m so excited for it” Es cheers.

“Oh definitely. They were long overdue for a movie. Wonder how the box office is going to do”

“I know”

“Ever the money counter eh?”

“I want them to make good money. They deserve a good sale after how well their anime has been doing”

“I can’t believe we actually get that old man animated tho”

“You thirsty ass hoe”

“I’m hurt”

“Love you too”

The conversation carries on and it isn’t until it’s nearly 4pm that we actually consider heading home. Maybe there were things that made a group of people special to you. Maybe I had finally found somewhere I can call home.

Serenity posted!

(image attached)

A glimpse of what I look like! I felt confident enough to show you all how my body looks. I have suffered from poor body image when I was a bit younger but I want you all to know that you’re all pretty! You all bring a smile to my face all the time so I wanted you to know that you are loved <3

your favorite penpal, Serenity

Previous : Masterlist : Next

[horansqueen]

I Almost Care : Part 1

NOTES:

- I’ve always wanted to start a Louis story so here it is - I’ll add this to my masterlist along with a synopsis tomorrow. - Yea it’s still my name in this. I know it bothers some ppl but that’s how i write. - Parts will be about 2k. Not sure yet how many parts I’ll write tho, probably depends if people read it not. - I do not proofread and i do not have a beta, sorry! - i decided to start a tagging list so if you want to be tagged in chapters OR be informed privately when it’s updated, let me know in my inbox, in a reblog, in tags, or anything. - There will be smut. and fluff. - The title is a Hanson song. The lyrics will be posted in this post, right before the chapter. - if you read, comment, like or reblog I FUCKING LOVE YOU!

Hanson - I Almost Care

Even though I hurt you all the time You're on my mind, I wont deny Everything I did I take it back I'll make it right, at least I'll try Now there's only one thing on my mind It's taken me some time girl I'm ready now to lay it on the line I hope you want to try still, you know I will

Don't give up when you're so close Don't give up when you're almost there Don't give up when you're so close I almost care, I almost care

I admit I don't know why you'd stay I've tried so hard to push you away I'm saying all the words you used to say It's turned around, you've turned away

Now there's only one thing on my mind It's taken me some time girl I'm ready now to lay it on the line I hope you want to try still, you know I will

Don't give up when you're so close Don't give up when you're almost there Don't give up when you're so close I almost care Don't give up when you almost care

Now there's only one thing on my mind I hope you want to try still, you know I will

Don't give up when you're so close Don't give up when you're almost there Don't give up when you're so close I almost care

I ALMOST CARE : PART 1

LOUIS

"Las Vegas?"

My eyebrows raised but I chuckled lightly, shaking my head. My friends had talked about a trip for the summer but going to Nevada wasn't something I would have expected. It's not that I was not a fan of the states, it's more that I was not a fan of gambling.

"Been there, done that, mate." I added as my friend sat next to me.

I shook my head with a smile, bringing my phone closer to my face as my smile turned into a smirk. I started typing an answer to the girl I was currently seeing and moved my upper body back slightly when my friend tried to read over my shoulder.

"Liam, man, back off."

It was not deep and real love but it was nice and I was really starting to like her. I never really had luck with girls and it always seemed to end in a very bad way. I didn't know if this story was going to be like the others but I had hope, which was, perhaps, the most dangerous thing to have when it comes to feelings.

Liam moved away with a chuckle and I knew he was going to make a comment about how dirty I could be sometimes but he quickly got up and I glanced at him, noticing his girlfriend had arrived. She moved on her tiptoes and he wrapped his arms around her waist as she moved hers around his neck. He pulled her up just before they kissed and It made me groan.

"Go away with your sweet love, i'm nauseous now."

"Hello to you too, Louis."

Julie let out with a short laugh, getting back on her feet and sending me an amused smile. I put my attention back on my phone, smiling too.

"Wow, it only took you 10 seconds to notice I was there?" I let out sarcastically but jokingly. "I thought when Liam was around, you couldn't see anything else?"

"Mm, someone needs some." she let out.

From the corner of my eyes, I could see her smile turn into a smirk and mine did the same.

"I've got plenty, thank you." I replied quickly. "But you two should get a room."

They both laughed and sat down, chatting together for a few minutes until I felt Liam hit my arm, making me sigh louder than needed. I put my phone away and with a quick head movement, I moved my hair away from my eyes and turned to him.

"What?"

"Did Liam tell you about Vegas?"

Julie seemed excited and it made me smile fondly. They were probably both excited to go together as a couple and for a few seconds, I thought about inviting my somewhat-girlfriend too but quickly changed my mind.

"Yea but I don't think I'll go with you guys." I explained, leaning against my seat and grabbing my cup of coffee to take a sip. I grimaced at how cold it was. "I don't really like gambling."

"But you like getting drunk and partying." Julie argued, raising her eyebrows and making me shrug. "Perfect place for that."

"I can also do that in my living room or my local bar, what's your point?" I asked, raising one of my shoulders.

She grimaced and shook her head lightly, moving closer to me. I could notice Liam holding her fingers as he ate what was left of his breakfast. Who convinced me to be here this morning exactly? Waking up too early never started a day nicely, at least none of mine.

"Come on, Louis!" she whined, letting her head fall back on her shoulders dramatically. "It'll be fun! There will be a bunch of us, we'll rent a few rooms and party all weekend!"

I rolled my eyes an sighed again, letting my mouth make a weird annoyed noise at her useless arguments. I really didn't want to go, I just wanted to lay in bed with my girl and have sex for two days straight.

"I'm just getting time off, Jules." I stated, running my fingertips on the table. "I want to do nothing at all. The plane, the people, the noise... I don't know."

Silence took place between us but I knew she hadn't given up yet, she was just running short of ways to convince me but I knew she was clearly going to try again. I got up, my chair making an annoying sound as it scraped against the floor. I grabbed my wallet in my back pocket and left a bill, slipping my hand in my hair before clearing my throat.

"Look, I'll think about it, okay?" I promised as my phone beeped, telling me I had a new text message. "But don't get your hopes up."

I sent my best friends a sorry smile and bent down to kiss Julie's cheek before grabbing Liam's hand in mine and bringing my body closer to his and quickly moving away.

"Bye man, I'll text you."

As I stepped foot out of the restaurant, I took my phone out and put my hand near it to hide it from the sun and be able to read what my girlfriend had written. It turned out to be the four ugliest words ever put together in a sentence.

'We need to talk.'

                                                            /////

I blinked a few times, staring at the girl I actually almost called my girlfriend and ended up shaking my head to get back to my senses but also to get rid of what could potentially feel like some sort of pain. It was not sharp or anything, just a bit baffling, but it didn't last and I finally just sighed.

"Wow, that's great." I let out sarcastically as I watched her sit down on her couch.

She rubbed both her hands on her face, forgetting she had make up on, and a small black trace of high-liner appeared near her eyes.

"Look, i'm sorry, Louis."

I stared at her again but my expression turned into a frown.

"I really thought you knew this was just for fun."

Oh I knew, because it was pretty much my main reason to be with her too. I guess my ego was just having a rough moment. Perhaps I was used to girls liking me more than I like them and this time was clearly different. So some girl I was seeing is not really into me? Who cares? I've done worse to better people.

"That was fun and now it isn't." I pointed out, reaching in my back pocket for my phone. "It's not like we were gonna get married or anything."

"Exactly, and it was getting too serious, I'm not into these relationships thing, I just don't do them."

I scoffed but not because I didn't believe her. It amused me simply because if she really knew me, she'd be totally aware that I didn't do relationships either.  But I guess no one really knows me and it's better this way.

"Yea I get that." I replied, sliding my finger on my phone to see my notifications pop. "I'll see you around. Or not."

I glanced up at her and turned around to walk through the door. I had barely step foot in her place when she told me we should stop seeing each other and now that I was back outside, I felt suddenly relieved. There was most likely an other girl I could find that would be a fun time and I scrolled through my contact to find one right before I got a new text message. I reached my car and sat behind the wheel before rolling my eyes at Liam's begging.

'Please, come to Vegas, or Julie will spend the whole trip talking about it.'

I chuckled at his bad attempt to convince me and just shrugged.

'Count me in .'

After hitting send, I threw my phone on the backseat and drove off. The ride home was quick and when I parked, I noticed my sister's car was still there. I almost forgot my phone on the backseat but finally grabbed it and rushed up the stairs. I opened the door, not having to unlock it, and took my shoes off, seeing her sitting on the couch and watching tv.

"Still here?" I asked, not really surprised, making her glance in my direction before quickly looking back at the tv.

"Hello, sunshine." she answered sarcastically as I let myself fall next to her with a groan.

"You remember you have your own place, don't you?" I pointed out, bringing my feet back on the couch and spreading my arms on the back of it. "With your own tv and couch."

"I thought you'd spend your weekend at Cindy's." she just said with a shrug, not even looking at me.

I didn't answer and this grabbed her attention. She took the remote and turned the tv off, turning her whole body on the couch to face me.

"You already ended things with her?" she asked, sending me a look that I couldn't decipher. "Seriously?"

The thought made me grimace and I looked away, shaking my head slightly.

"No fucking way, she left you?" Her lips curled into a smile and she threw her head back slightly to laugh.

I grabbed a cushion and hit her on the head with it, making her laugh even harder.

"Can believe the player got played!" she added, chuckling again as I sighed.

"I'm not a player, I just don't see the point of a steady relationship I mean, it's pointless."

We remained silent for about a minute until Lottie moved on her seat and leaned her head on the couch, still looking at me. I knew what she was thinking about because I was thinking about the same thing. I saw her lips part slightly and I decided to cut her before she said anything.

"Yes, but I don't want to talk about it." i let out quickly. "All I can tell you is that i'm never falling in love again."

Her expression changed into a sad one and she brought her hand on my thigh, squeezing it to comfort me, and it worked. If I wanted to be honest, Lottie was one of my best friends and if anyone could understand me, it was her. The problem was, I didn't want to dwell on the past. At least, not this specific past, because it still stung a bit.

"I truly hope that's not true, Lou." she admitted in a low tone. "You deserve to be happy."

This time, I smiled sincerely and chuckled.

"Who says i'm not?"

She decided to remain silent even if I knew she was probably biting her tongue. She had an opinion on all of this, one that differed from mine, and we both knew that if this discussion started, it wouldn't end up. It took her a few seconds but she swallowed hard and cleared her throat, quickly changing the subject.

"So, are you going to Vegas?"

I looked at her and blinked a few times, making her laugh.

"Yea I heard a few of you were going." she finally explained. "I'm surprised you have that many friends."

I grimaced at her and tilted my head, showing her my middle finger quickly and making her laugh even more. Liam hadn't mentioned who was coming specifically but I knew we were about to be more than just us.

"Yea I think there's nine of us going."

"So you're going?" she nodded. "That's good. It means I can stay here for a few more days."

She sent me a smirk and I laughed, shaking my head again.

"Of course. Mi casa es tu casa." I smiled fondly before quickly getting up. "I'm gonna go pack and then take a nap."

I felt my phone vibrate and grabbed it, almost dropping it and cursing low.

'We're leaving tonight. Picking you up at 7.'

"Yea, it's better you sleep before. I don't think you're gonna sleep much. And you better have lots and lots of fun. I mean, it's called Sin City, isn't it?"

I smirked at her and bent down slightly to kiss the top of her head.

"That's the plan."

[seventeencelcius]

Commute! Hoshi

the first time was a spur of the moment occurance

after moving out of your house and living alone starting from the first year of university, you were stuck with the daily, mundane routine of commuting to school at 7am

you begrudgingly regretted ever wishing to quickly graduate from high school so you could have that sweet taste of freedom from living alone

high school was so much of a breeze compared to the hell known as university

back then, you were used to waking up 10 minutes before class started since your house was just a block away from the school building

now? you were up as early as 6am just so you could catch the earliest train in order to avoid the morning crowd

unfortunately, you couldn’t afford to stay at the apartments nearer to your university since they were out of your budget and the university dorms had already been fully booked so you opted for a place that was affordable but needed you to travel for a longer distance

hence, commuting, not to exaggerate, had became your least favoruite part of the day

firstly, you were not a morning person and despised waking up early

secondly, it was boring when you didn’t have any friends to talk to on the ride since most of them lived in the university dorms and didn’t have to commute

thirdly, you couldn’t exactly sleep on the train because you were the kind who basically hibernates and never wakes up until *cues spongbob voiceover* 8 Hours Later ……

(guess who missed their lecture on the first day cause they dozed off until the train reached the last stop?)

napping was obviously not an option so you always chose to either read a book or play on that sudoku app you had on your phone to kill time

you had woken up later than usual from studying for a quiz and missed your usual train

implying that you were now stuck with the morning crowd, where it will be jam-packed like sardines

besides that, you had panicked and forgot to bring your earphones

(i’m aware AirPods exists but for the sake of this fic, DEAL WITH IT)

your body was moving on autopilot as you soon found a space to lean on in between the doors and the seats

you prayed that the espresso shots you had drunk earlier would at least keep you awake until your first lecture so you could complete the goddamn quiz and take a nap at the library since that your only class for the day

screw the administrative department for giving you what was possibly the worst timetable. who even had an 8am class and then nothing for the rest if the day???

you were tempted to study your notes but it was seriously cramped in the coach so you sought to just people-watch to pass time

your mind flew into all sorts of imaginations until the doors slide opened and a boy your age, with wispy blonde hair and a large gym bag loosely slung on his shoulders, stumbled in

he moved to the area next to you and what was in between you was just the doors

you didn’t mean to pry or watch him so intensely but he seemed so …. fascinating

there was some sort of music following after him, weird, cause he clearly had his headphones but the music didn’t sound muffled at all

even weirder was as you listened on, it was the lyrics of your favourite song

you figured he was a dancer, seeing how his fingers were moving to the rhythm in what seemed like an actual choreography

within that small compound, he already looked so in the zone and you could feel the intensity of his focus

he looked so full of energy and radiant despite it being so early in the morning

and out of place as from the way he dressed - a purple & yellow tracksuit, he definitely stood out from the borings black & white

out of all the people in the coach, you realize you were the only person who actually seemed to notice, most likely because you didn’t had your earphones in at that moment or took notice of their surroundings

but your gaze changed downwards to your phone when it vibrated, signifying that you had a notification and immediately catching your attention

that was when your vision caught it as you slide your phone back

your vision had flicker from your pocket to his gym bag - noticing that his cable was not plugged into any device, meaning that the music from his phone was just blaring from the speaker

at this point of time, you were desperately trying to hold your laughter in,

rather than it being funny, it was pretty much unexpected and even …. cute

you stifled your giggles and decided to approach him by the time the train stopped at the next station

you weren’t sure where this sudden courage came from but hey, you felt bad since this sort of embarrassing situation actually happened to you numerous times

… and no one told you anything even when you played dumb songs like ‘baby shark’

to be fair, your younger sibling was playing a prank on you and made it take half of your playlist so whenever you tried to skip, it would just play the same song again D:

thankfully, this stop had most of the passengers except the university students out since it was the one at the city so you moved to stand next to him and tapped him on the shoulder

“sorry to disturb …. but i think you forgot to plug in your headphones cable to your phone?”

the boy took one look at the hanging cable at his gym bag and started laughing hysterically to the point where he was wiping tears out his eyes

not sure if he had laughing gas or what but damn, this boy laughter was sure infectious because you found yourself laughing too

“i actually thought my headphones weren’t working just now since i could barely hear the music but wow guess it was just this THANK YOU!!!!11”

As the last words left his lips, the train door opened and as much as you hated yourself, you had to make a run for it or you were gonna be 101% late for your quiz because that lecturers of yours was the kind that goes ‘if you’re early then you’re on time, if you’re on time then you’re late’

(have i ever said how much i love uni :’)))

on your way back home, your thoughts couldn’t help but be muddled by the encounter you had experienced today

it was hard not to remember how his eyes twinkled when he smiled and the 180 degree change he had from dancing to suddenly chuckling

realizing that it was probably gonna be impossible to see him unless you chose on purpose to take the later train, you decided to abandon on all hopes on seeing him again

(you weren’t about to run a mingyu on isac because exercising is hard huhu)

too bad cause he was kinda cute tho

the second time, you swear was a complete accident

after securing a job as a teacher assistant, you started to return home pretty late cause of the working hours

following your first day of your and a tiring day at class, you were both mentally and physically exhausted when you reached the train station

you immediately took a seat and fell asleep, completely going against your rule of not sleeping on train

you could really care less since you were so drained from answering this student who had a gazillion question

while it wouldn’t have been so bad, you received a bad mark from one of your classes because of a group work where you pretty much contributed everything while the rest just stoned

to your surprise, you managed to wake up one station before the one you got down due to the stiffness you felt on your neck

regardless, you had probably one of the best sleep in days after staying up late to complete the group project

you were soon wide awake after realizing that pain occurred because you probably slept on a poor stranger’s shoulder since it had been so comfortable unlike the concrete wall you were used to leaning back on

“FRICK I’M SO SOR- “

when you made eye contact, you immediately froze mid-sentence

to your horror, it was the same cute guy you had met earlier

and you had been sleeping on his shoulder THIS. WHOLE. TIME.

thank the heaven you don’t sleep talk or drool or anything, cause you would’ve been looking for a place to hide underground

but still, you wanted to dig a hole because wow what a way to make a good impression

as you were in the midst of panicking and freaking out, the books you had in your hands tumbled down the floor

as you reached to picked them up in embarrassment, he had already collected most of them for you with a grin

“thanks uh I don’t think i have gotten your name?”

“you can call me soonyoung.”

when you muttered ‘thank you’ shyly for his help, he asked for your name as well and somehow, his face beamed when you gave him yours

he reminded you of a harmless kitten when he questioned if he was pronouncing your name correctly, his head tilted and eyes shining and you subconsciously wanted to thread your fingers through his hair

the next station to was where you usually got down and when you step down the platform, to your amazement, soonyoung was right on stride with you

“you live in this building? no way, me too!”

“huh then why did you get off that station the other day?”

soonyoung explained that he was practising his dance routine for an upcoming assignment in his friend, Jun’s apartment, which was much nearer to school

it was literally a 2-minute walk from the place you lived to the train station and both of you secretly wished that time could just extend a little longer

“I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“tomorrow is it then.”

when you two bade goodbye to each other, soonyoung had to admit that the way you blushed when both your fingertips had met was adorable. very adorable indeed.

the third time?

soonyoung likes to claim it was destined

(as cheesy it was, you agreed with him when you spoke about it on your first date)

when you walked up the platform the next day, there was a light skip on your steps

you weren’t sure if it was possible to meet soonyoung since both of you never actually gave each other a fixed time to meet each other

so you weren’t too hung up when you didn’t see him in the platform by the time the train arrived

you guessed that the last two times you met was perhaps too much of a coincidence when you had different majors and friend circles

you did leave the third encounter to fate

but just as the doors were able to slide close, a flurry of yellow and black rushed in next to you

almost breathless, he beckoned towards you a smile that you knew you were going to grew fond of 

it was totally unplanned, but this could be the start of something you never expected to be tangled with

this mundane routine of yours was going to be replaced with something much more exciting

“hey, almost missed my train buddy.”

[teresa60521-blog]

Side Effects

chapter 19: 2 weeks

If Uraraka felt trapped in the Bakugou home before giving birth, she definitely felt trapped now. But she was glad that she wasn’t thrust into the chaos of the outside world and that she was wrapped up with this tiny bundle of joy who just so happened to cry and whine half of the day.

Uraraka would be lying if she said she wasn’t enjoying it.

She liked having somebody being dependent on her and  being able to take care of somebody. She had been told in the past that she has a motherly quality about her but she didn’t see it until she actually became a mother. It still didn’t feel real. Uraraka felt like she would be giving the baby back to somebody.

It was also nice that Masaru and Mitsuki believed in her parenting abilities. They didn’t hover, only lent her a hand when she asked for the help. They were always ready and willing to assist, Mitsuki more so since she was home most of the time unless she was running errands or having lunch with old friends. Masaru still worked, coming home late but always making time to say hello to his grandchild.

When Uraraka had asked them if they wanted her to leave, Mitsuki had looked at her like she was insane.

“Where are you gonna go?” Mitsuki had asked and truthfully, Uraraka hadn’t even thought that far. She had just wanted to get out of their hair. “You’re welcome here for as long as you like. Better you than my son.”

Uraraka had laughed but it was greatly appreciated. She finally belonged somewhere.

She just wished that Bakugou had stayed with them too the past few weeks.

She understood completely; school was still the most important thing to Bakugou. He still was driven to become a hero and having a baby didn’t affect him as much as it did Uraraka. She was still recovering, the pain mostly gone but her emotions still off kilter. Uraraka wanted to start shaving off some of the excess baby weight but she had to wait until she was all healed. Bakugou’s life didn’t have to slam on the breaks; he was just able to keep on going like nothing had happened.

Uraraka was thankful that he kept in constant contact, asking about Kazumi and how both she and the baby were doing. He was making up for the time he had lost during the pregnancy and that was all Uraraka really wanted. It would just be better if he was actually there with her.

He had come home the first weekend and with this next weekend rapidly approaching, Uraraka couldn’t wait to see him again. She just wanted a little help and a little bit of family bonding time. Because that’s what they were. A family.

Friday before Bakugou was due home Uraraka was sitting on the couch, holding Kazumi close to her chest. Kazumi was sleeping, had fallen asleep in her arms after drinking from her bottle, and Uraraka couldn’t find it in herself to put her baby girl down. Just two short weeks after she had given birth she was head over heels in love with her daughter. She understood what some new mothers said when it was the best feeling and experience in the world.

Uraraka felt her phone buzz against her leg and she made sure Kazumi was secure in one arm before opening the text.

>> these asshole wont leave me the fuck alone

Uraraka smiled as she read the text. She had gotten similar texts from Bakugou over the course of the week, him complaining about how their classmates wanted to come see the baby and how they hovered asking for pictures. She didn’t mind if they came over to meet Kazumi, she just didn’t want to overwhelm the infant with too many people and if the whole class came over it would be a lot . But she didn’t mind a few people coming over.

Bakugou was pretty adamant about them not coming over though. In fact, he said they were never ever allowed in his house again.

<< why?

>> they wanna fuckin come over even tho ive told them 100000000000 times hell fuckin no

<< maybe it’s easier to just say yes?

<< i wouldnt mind it if they came over

There was silence from Bakugou now and she knew he was pissed that she had disagreed with him. She just shook her head and let him fume in silence, putting the phone down beside her. In that moment Masaru sat down on the other side of the couch with the newspaper. He smiled gently at her and then glanced down at Kazumi through his glasses.

“How is she?” Masaru asked as he settled against the back of the couch. His voice was gentle, quiet so he didn’t wake the sleeping infant up.

Uraraka shifted Kazumi in her arms and the baby twitched, making a purring noise in the back of her throat and shaking her head. Uraraka rocked her a little bit until she settled down and was lying still in her arms again.

“Sleepy.” Uraraka smiled softly and rubbed her thumb across the back of Kazumi’s hand. She could already see growth in her baby and she thought it was amazing.

“Mm.” Masaru unfolded the newspaper. “And how are you doing?”

“I’m also sleepy. But happy. Much happier than I was when I was pregnant.”

“I told you Katsuki would come around.” Masaru sounded so proud of himself and Uraraka couldn’t even be mad. He was right and there was no denying that. Uraraka wished she had a little more faith when he had initially said this to her but everything that happening at the time led her to believe otherwise. Bakugou was being really rude and just downright awful. Uraraka didn’t think she was going to have a happy ending.

The future was still uncertain but for now, she was living the happy ending fantasy.

“I’m glad he did.” Uraraka whispered. She checked her phone again but there was still no message from Bakugou. She let it go, knowing this was nothing to get upset about. He could not respond to her and she would be fine with it. She spent a little more time with Masaru, talking about Bakugou and Kazumi and a little bit of Masaru’s job. He was still a fashion designer and he did in fact create some hero costumes. They weren’t worn by super popular heroes by any means but it still made him feel good to know that there were young heroes out there wearing the clothes he designed.

Uraraka told him maybe she would get her clothing reworked by him, but Masaru reminded her that technically she and Bakugou had matching designs as they were made by the same designer. Their costumes had predicted their love perhaps.

She carried Kazumi carefully upstairs and laid her in the bassinet beside her bed. She didn’t know when she was supposed to move Kazumi to her crib but she figured she had a couple of months. She wasn’t ready for her baby to grow that big yet. She liked rolling over in the morning and seeing Kazumi sleeping peacefully surrounded by the baby blanket her friends had made.

Uraraka fell asleep pretty quickly that night, having been up early that morning with her little girl. Kazumi woke her up once or twice in the middle of the night and Uraraka was still getting used to that. Hopefully Bakugou could come relieve her in the middle of the night tomorrow. However, the two still weren’t allowed to sleep in the same room and there were no chances that Bakugou would hear Kazumi in the first place. Bakugou was surprisingly a heavy sleeper, but so was Uraraka. She wondered when that would catch up to her. When there was a baby screaming two feet away from her though, it was hard to miss.

Kazumi woke her up at around eight and she was fed and changed, put into a cute baby blue onesie with clouds on it. Uraraka had specifically told Masaru and Mitsuki that she didn’t care about color of clothing for her daughter and didn’t want her daughter to be subjected to the gender dichotomy at two weeks old. Colors didn’t have gender and she was going to dress her daughter up however she wanted.

Kazumi just so happened to look very cute in blue.

Uraraka was just lifting Kazumi from her playpen when the front door swung open, hitting the wall with a loud thud. She blinked wide eyes in that direction and a fuming Bakugou emerged, one fist clenched tight at his side and the other palm flat on the door. Uraraka could see his fist trembling in fury from her position in the middle of the living room.

“Katsuki?” Uraraka’s eyebrows pinched together.

“Uraraka-san!” That did not come from Bakugou, as Bakugou would never be that formal. Instead, it came from three distinct voices, each belonging to Kirishima, Midoriya and Iida respectively.

Well, that explains why Bakugou was so annoyed.

Kirishima, followed by Kaminari, bounded in around Bakugou who seemingly had been trying to block their entrance. He was no match for Kirishima’s mass of muscle though and the two came forward, Iida, Midoriya and Tsuyu following right behind that. Uraraka was still a bit shocked and looked at the familiar faces.

“Oh, hi guys.” It took her a moment to compose herself but when she did she smiled. Kazumi was secure in her arms, awake and blinking big eyes up at her mother. Uraraka let her baby put her tiny hand around one of her fingers but kept her attention on her friends. She had undone the paws on the onesie she was wearing, her other hand still covered so she didn’t scratch herself in her sleep or when she was just wiggling around.

Uraraka was definitely surprised though to see so many of the faces she missed. She hadn’t had much interaction outside of Bakugou and his family, their family. Seeing her friends from school made her light up and feel warm inside. She could have only predicted how the train ride over to their house had been, especially with Kirishima and Kaminari coming along.

“We have come to see how you’ve been doing.” Iida said, glancing from her to Kazumi and then back to Uraraka’s face. She thought it was amusing, knowing he wanted to hold the baby immediately.

“They fucking stalked me here.” Bakugou gruffed and sat down on the couch, holding his arms out for Kazumi. Uraraka graciously placed her in his arms and Bakugou held the baby possessively against his chest, glaring at the faces of their classmates.

“You said we could come!” Kaminari shouted and Bakugou bared his teeth, holding Kazumi closer when she started squirming a bit.

“Shut the fuck up.” Bakugou spit.

Uraraka felt an incredible amount of pride seeing Bakugou being so protective over their daughter. It was almost surreal, him being so gentle when he was always so brash. He held Kazumi like she was delicate china and really, she was. “Be sure not to squish her.” Uraraka reminded and Bakugou shifted his grip on her, no complaints.

It was amazing how parenthood could change somebody, even if that parent wasn’t around as often as the other.

Kirishima poked his head real close to Kazumi’s. “She’s so small.”

“She’s a baby you fuckwit! Don’t get too close, if you breathe on her she’ll die.”

“She will not die.” Iida declared and began rummaging in his bag. “It is very important that we clean our hands before we hold the baby so it doesn't get any illnesses we may be carrying.”

“Who the hell said I was going to let you hold her, Four Eyes?!” Bakugou barked but it seemed like all of them ignored him as they squirted hand sanitizer into their hands. Uraraka didn’t have any gripes about letting the five of them hold Kazumi but her boyfriend looked like he was about to snap at anybody who came in a five foot radius of him.

Uraraka placed a hand on his shoulder and Bakugou jolted at the soft touch. “They can hold her.”

“They’re all fucking idiots, they’ll drop her!” Bakugou argued.

Tsuyu ribbited and placed a finger to her lips. “I thought fatherhood might mellow you out, Bakugou-kun, but looks like I was wrong.”

“A-Asui-san….” Midoriya said nervously.

Bakugou looked like he wanted to lunge but the baby in his arms kept him seated. He never had any problems picking a fight with any gender.

“Katsuki, they came all this way to see her.” Uraraka didn’t want to have to wrestle Kazumi out of his arms but would if he didn’t give their friends a chance to hold her. They held each other’s eyes in an aggressive gaze for a couple of beats before Bakugou sighed and relinquished his short hold on her. Uraraka lifted her and rounded the couch, bringing her to the center of the little semicircle their friends had created.

“This is Bakugou Kazumi.” Uraraka introduced with a soft smile. All of their mouths dropped in awe as they stared at the tiny wrinkled creature in her arms. Kazumi’s eyes were half open and she couldn’t decided who to focus on, so many new faces beginning to overwhelm her.

“Who wants to be the first to hold her?” Uraraka asked, ignoring the sharp intake of breath coming from the blonde behind her.

“Me, me, me!” Kirishima was bouncing excitedly.

“You better sit the fuck down.” Bakugou warned, spreading out on the couch so Kirishima had no choice but to sit in the armchair. “If you drop her it’ll be the last thing you do.”

Kirishima pouted but sat down in the chair, holding his arms out. Uraraka instructed him on how to properly support her and laid her in his arms, watching Kirishima’s face morph from excitement to nervousness.

“I can’t do this.” Kirishima said immediately, looking down at her face.

Uraraka laughed and kneeled in front of him. “Don’t want to hold her anymore?”

“No, I’m gonna drop her, please-” Uraraka lifted the baby from his arms and Kirishima fell back with a dramatic sigh. “That was too much pressure.”

“Fucking piss baby.” Bakugou mumbled under his breath.

“I would like a turn!” Iida raised his hand high and then placed it tight by his side when Uraraka rose onto the balls of her face and walked over to him. She repeated what she had told Kirishima, saying the same thing to both Kaminari and Tsuyu after they were done holding Kazumi. Bakugou had put up a strong fight about Kaminari holding Kazumi because of the nature of his quirk. He didn’t want her to accidentally zap her and in all honesty Uraraka was a little nervous about that too.

“I have perfect control of my quirk!” Kaminari sniffed and Uraraka sighed, allowing him to hold her. There were no shocks present and it seemed like Kazumi enjoyed being in his arms most, eyes widening as Kaminari blew raspberries at her. She couldn’t smile yet but Uraraka had no doubt that if Kazumi could, she would be the smiliest baby ever. Uraraka couldn’t wait to see her baby girl smile.

Things boiled over when Uraraka went to place Kazumi in Midoriya’s arms.

“Absolutely not.” Bakugou stood and got in between them. Midoriya blinked up at Bakugou and Uraraka sighed. She knew Bakugou would be childish over this.

“Katsuki-”

“I’m not going to let my daughter be tainted by this fucking nerd.”

“Kacchan-”

“If the only insult you can come up with is ‘nerd’ then I think your opinion is overridden.” Tsuyu said matter of factly.

“Did I ask for your opinion you goddamn toad?” Bakugou said, not even casting her a glance.

“Hey!” Uraraka frowned and bounced Kazumi a little when she noticed her face scrunching up, getting ready to start wailing. “If you’re going to be nasty then you leave. You’re not the only one who gets to make decisions about my daughter. And since you didn’t even want her in the first place, you shouldn’t even get a say!” She knew that she was playing dirty and the hurt that flashed through fiery irises made her chest clench. But all Bakugou did was turn around and stomp up the stairs.

With an exhale, Uraraka turned once more to Midoriya with her usual gentle smile on her face. “Do you still want to hold her?”

Midoriya nervously glanced at the staircase. Uraraka knew he was waiting for Bakugou to pop back out and start screaming at him, but it didn’t come. “Oh no, no, no, I don’t think th-that’s such a good idea.”

Uraraka smiled and kissed Kazumi’s head. She had calmed down, no waterworks, only curious eyes scanning the room and landing on Midoriya’s face. The two shared a look and Midoriya squared his shoulders like he was preparing for an epic battle.

“I’ll hold her.” Midoriya decided.

Uraraka gently laid her in his arms and Midoriya was clearly nervous but he cradled her as he had heard the others be instructed. Supporting her head, supporting her bottom, holding her securely but not too tight. He was a natural. Again, Uraraka wondered what he would be like as a parent. But he wasn’t the one who held her heart. The one who did was sulking upstairs, trying to control his emotions.

“She looks like Kacchan.” Midoriya mused.

“Well she is his daughter.” Uraraka stated with a little laugh.

“A miracle, truly.” Kaminari mumbled and Kirishima elbowed him in the ribs, telling him not to be a dick. Uraraka was kind of grateful for that. She knew she made a poor choice though it was the right choice for her. She and Bakugou fit together like two puzzle pieces; perfectly.

Midoriya held Kazumi for a little while before returning her to Uraraka’s arms. She started crying a little, fake tears, tears that said she didn’t want to leave the warmth of Midoriya’s embrace. Uraraka placed a pacifier in her mouth and wiped her tears, cooing at her daughter. When she looked up, all five of her classmates were looking at her with a strange expression on their faces.

“What is it?” Uraraka asked nervously.

Iida cleared his throat. “You have changed, Uraraka.”

Uraraka’s smile was wavering. “Is that good or bad?”

Iida shook his head. “It is very good. You are happy and that is all that matters to us. You deserve happiness.”

Uraraka’s brown eyes watered and she closed them for a moment, regaining her composure. “Thank you.” She was glad somebody thought so.

Iida returned her smile and the five of them stayed for a couple more minutes before departing. Uraraka took to spending more time with Kazumi for the rest of the night and put her down after they all ate dinner. She pumped some more breast milk (that was uncomfortable) and made up three bottles before she finally confronted Bakugou in his room.

“I’m sorry about earlier.” She said, standing in the doorway.

Bakugou looked up from his phone and nodded. “You better be.”

“Don’t be like that.” Uraraka’s shoulders slumped.

Bakugou stood and walked to her slowly. Uraraka knew better than to back away; she had nothing to be afraid of. His warm, blistered palms came up to cup her face gently, red eyes meeting hers like they had hours before. “Deku makes me so fucking mad.”

“Why?” Uraraka whispered. “Why couldn’t you just put aside your differences? Don’t you want me to be happy? Iida does. They all do. You constantly go out of your way to provoke me or somebody else. Or get a reaction out of us.”

“I know.” Bakugou spoke through clenched teeth. “God I fucking know it. I just… I can’t… Fuck.” He always had a hard time putting his thoughts into words. Uraraka was patient, she always was.

“I don’t want Kazumi growing up without you. I don’t want her to grow up with her father being angry all the time and yelling at me and us arguing. I want this to work. But you have to work on yourself first.” Uraraka explained.

Bakugou’s brows creased. “Are you dumping me?”

“No!” Uraraka shook her head quickly. “I want to help you. For us. For Kazumi. Let go of that anger. Tell me about your worries. I was the only one talking in the beginning, I think you owe me the same.”

Bakugou released a trembling breath. “Fine.”

They moved to Uraraka’s room where Kazumi was sleeping just in case she woke up and needed them. They leaned against the pillows facing each other, Bakugou taking her fingers in his hand, pressing on fingernails and the pads of her fingers. The whole time he spoke quietly of his nightmares and his PTSD to every single shitty thing that happened in their first year of UA that were still affecting him.

It was the closest they had been in a while. Uraraka felt like she learned more about Bakugou in those couple of hours than she had in their entire relationship. And it was wonderful . This was what Uraraka wanted, to feel closer to him, to feel like they were an actual couple.

Falling asleep with their fingers twined together, their sleeping baby girl in her bassinet beside them, things were definitely starting to piece together quickly. All the puzzle pieces surrounding theirs were coming together, beginning to finish the picture.

[hope-and-sleep]

study tips (for the distractible and the forsaken)

For the january challenge: 

T 3. study tips

Disclaimer: If I had to put a label on myself, I am a C+ student, and also a flailing, easily-distractible mess.  Taking study tips from me is probably not the best decision you will ever make in your life.  There are probably studyblrs who have their shit even slightly more together who would give better advice.

That said, if none of that better advice has actually worked for you, then okay, sure.    Let’s dive in.

the principle of resource saving:

When given limitless resources (i.e. battery power), my brain will personally go “okay, so I can put on a video, and maybe I can look at some fanfiction for a bit and oooohhh what about music-”

However.  When I don’t have a charger or a nearby outlet, I: 

am placed on a time limit (i have to do this work before my battery runs out dear god)

become acutely aware of the fact that I am wasting energy if I’m not working

The idea is to give yourself some kind of limit to guilt your brain into keeping focused. 

the pomodoro technique:

modify, of course, to your desired work times/break times - I personally use 30 minutes instead of the standard 25 because 25 Feels Too Damn Short, but generally: fall into a pattern of work, break, work, break. Especially important if you are, say, taking notes by hand: please take a break and do some wrist exercises.  We do not want carpal tunnel in this household.  

Now. Lemme define a word for you the way I see it: 

flow: a period in which you are steadily and effectively working, with no actual desire to stop working due to the fact that You Are Inspired 

I am a distractible mess, and these moments of flow are very rare for me.  If you are like me, then here’s your exception to the Pomodoro technique: if you have found flow, then do not take a break, because you will lose that flow and it will suck.  

divide all the things you need to do into tiny chunks: 

you’re gonna be wayyy more likely to actually do them if it seems like a tiny task instead a large, daunting ordeal you’ve set before you.

that time when you've fucked up:

Generally the rule is to NOT FALL BEHIND, but I have never personally achieved this, and so you would probably be better served by reading other studyblrs’ tips in that matter.

Instead, we’re going to talk about something else: you’re horrifically behind on your readings/homework, or you’ve just gotten your midterm back and it turns out you understood things way less than you actually did.  Crunch time, my dudes.  Desperate times, desperate measures.

don’t cry: for me, getting sad puts me into a never-ending spiral of feeling sorry for myself.  Get angry. Get PISSED OFF. Forget about sad, you’re you and you’re invincible and you can do ANYTHING, you can fucking do this class, screw FATE or LOGIC you fucking--

write out all the things you need to do: Go on. Write absolutely everything out, estimate how long it’ll take you for each thing.  Then give yourself a timeline on when you need to accomplish these things, and divide evenly among the days. 

in the interests of survival: oh boy do your homework.  Do it to perfection - if it’s a part of your grade, then this is something that might save your final grade if your exams won’t.  Just... don’t trust your exams.

read your things when you have literally any time: there are times when you think that you literally can’t do anything and you are turning off your brain.  Walking to class.  being in line.  Those 10 minutes before the professor shows up.  you’re wrong, break out your phone, you can read things on it.  fuck it, you don’t need to look ahead of you when going to class.  you won’t crash into anyone, really.

can you do all the things: Try one day of your schedule.  If you don’t get all the things done, then boy, you gotta either modify that timeline or you gotta prioritize.  If you can’t read everything in your textbook in depth, then take a real good look at what specifically is likely to show up on the exam.  Skim.  Look for summaries.  do not spend any longer than the time you’ve allotted for a class, or else you’re really going to fall behind on other things.  Like, say... studying for a different exam. Recommendation: switch subjects every hour or so, so everything gets at least some attention

you are deprived of sleep or are going to be very soon:

The best rule of thumb is ‘attempt not to be’, but i realize that’s unrealistic.  

in lecture: if you’re really dead on your feet, the shame of falling asleep literally 3 feet from the professor will do nothing.  Instead: bring water.  Bring snacks.  I personally find it very difficult to sleep when actively eating/drinking something.

morning/afternoon: this is a good time to nap.  Go ahead.  sleep.

late at night: look, do you actually have to accomplish this thing right now?  Is it due tomorrow?  

Yes: By all means stay the fuck up

napping: unless you are super good at waking up with an alarm or you have a very stubborn roommate that will literally drag you out of the bed, hoe don’t do it. You will end up sleeping through the night

stay upright: do not use a blanket or a pillow or literally anything. Do not lean your head on your arms.  Do not put your head on your desk.  You will fall asleep on your desk

shame: work in a safe place of course, but maybe work in a safe place that clearly isn’t yours. the lounge.  the library.  A late night study place.  perhaps the shame of falling asleep in a strange place will prevent you from doing so

plenty of water: it is very hard to sleep when you really need to pee

if you finish the thing: if you have at least three hours before you need to turn in the thing, sure.  take that nap.  if not?  do not go anywhere near the bed.  You will oversleep.  It will suck.

No: 

I really need to get at least this part of the thing done tho: Okay.  So here’s what you do.  Work for like an hour.  Okay, now have you actually done anything in that hour?  If not and you’re having issues keeping your eyes open: go the fuck to sleep.  Your brain is fried.  If you have, then keep going until you reach the “for some reason I can’t open my eyes” point

I feel guilty about going to bed this early tho: work on your bed.  you will probably fall asleep there while doing work.  this is fine.

things late-night-you might say:

“I’m going to wake up early to do it”: look, you’re probably not.  early morning you is dick.  Early morning me is a dick.  What is probably going to happen is that you’re going to look at the clock, snooze, and nap. plan for the fact that you’re not going to do it in the morning

“my back hurts, let me lie down for a bit”: HOE DON’T DO IT YOU’RE GONNA FALL ASLEEP

“I’ll do it tomorrow”: all is lost.

“I’m going to take a break”: bitch that break better not take over 15 minutes.  Remember that the longer the break you take, the increasingly smaller your chance of getting to sleep is.

a side note: the study space

If you have the time: please keep your desk clear.  You will probably feel a lot better if you have over 50% of your desk space actually available. Also take out the trash.  You will also feel better if the air you breathe isn’t tainted by rotten banana peels/takeout.

That said, if you a) don’t have time to do this,  b) don’t feel like doing this, or c) YOUR ROOMMATES HAVE MADE A TRULY TERRIFYING MESS OF THE TRASH BIN -  please move to a lounge, library, or anywhere that is not your room.  You will feel A Lot Better, I promise.

Right, that’s all the things I can think of off the top of my head.  I hope you will never ever actually need this advice, but in the case that you do: go forward and attempt to survive.  Godspeed.

[santheweird]

Hey Sarge! (Chapter 1)

Summary: Due to the lack of jobs because of World War 2, Alexander Sami Hale joined the army to keep her family’s head above the water.

She falsified her enlistment form, convincing the officials that she was actually a boy named Alexander Hale.

When her sergeant, James Barnes, was captured by the German forces during a battle in Azzano, Alex went AWOL to aid a man named Steve Rogers to rescue his best friend.

This is her story.

(That eyebrow tho)

“Get the hell outta here! I’ll hold them off!”

“Sarge! No-” Alex cut herself off, wincing as another wave of pain shot through her arm. Her head throbbed painfully and her vision flickered as she tried to look for Bucky through the thick curtain of rain. Fear flashed through her as there were several gunshot sounds and flashes of blue light.

“James!” She screamed over the thunder, pushing away the soldier who tried to bring her to the trucks nearby, hot tears streaming down her cheeks, mixing with the rain.”Bucky!!”

Two months ago: Alex panted heavily as the mid-morning sun beat down on her, her hands on her knees, sweat dripping from her forehead onto the ground. Her legs trembled slightly from exertion as her fingers fumbled for her water canteen. She took a long swig from it and let out a long sigh.

“Yo, Alex.” Alex turned her head and saw Timothy not too far away, hand outreached. “Gimme some of that.” He wheezed.

“What ‘bout yours?” She heaved out, handing over her canteen.

“Stuck. Too lazy to get it.”

Alex rolled her eyes and stumbled over to Timothy’’s pack, reaching for his canteen and with a sharp tug, pulled it out with a tug. She uncapped it and downed half of the contents before handing it back to him, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

Timothy also handed her back her canteen, this time almost empty with a shit-eating grin on his face.

“Every time, Dugan.” Alex grumbled, tucking her water canteen back into her pack. “Every fucking time. You better watch ya hat next time, or you’ll find it hanging off the roof of the barracks one day.”

“Now that’ll be a sight.” A hand clapped Alex hard on the back, and she nearly bowled over. She turned and saw the wide grin of their squad sergeant.

“Sergeant Bucky.” She drawled, mimicking the deep voice of their camp commander, placing her small finger under her nose to imitate his limp mustache. “What brings you here to this rat-infested swamp?”

James paused, not expecting that reply, before his grin widened. “Well, I dunno.” He replied, putting on a lady’s voice. “Just wanted to ask if any of you charming lads have any water to spare for this thirsty dame.” Alex bit her lip savagely at James’ impression of a lady, batting his eyelashes and pulling down his collar a little to show some ‘cleavage’

“What happened to your water, Sergeant Buck?” Gabriel Jones, who was nearby, snorted when Timothy adopted a nasally voice and held his water canteen protectively to himself.

“Gave it to that dashing young man over there.” James replied in a breathless voice, taking off his helmet and grooming his ‘long’ hair. “He looked pretty hot, in more ways than one.”

There was a moment of silence, before the four of them dissolved into giggles, collapsing onto one another like a bunch of schoolboys. Alex reached up, snatched the canteen from Dugan and tossed it to James.

Camp was tough. Waking up as early as 4.30 am and 10 to 20 mile treks before breakfast. Gruelling training from the afternoon to evening, pausing only a few times for meals in the mess hall. Showers under cold water before falling asleep in cramped barracks and on thin mattresses, only to wake up and do it all again tomorrow with sore legs and aching arms. It didn’t help when Alex couldn’t take off her shirt when it was particularly hot, or her identity would be revealed.

Alex admitted to herself that the conditions were vastly different than back at home, perhaps better. She didn’t need to do a god-awful amount of push-ups in the early morning, but she appreciated the fact that she had a bed to rest on at the end of the day. And it was great having friends too. When she was still in Brooklyn, she was solely focussed on work to earn money and making sure her employers didn’t find out about her real gender.

However, being in the army was different. Alex was already being paid, whether she was working hard or not. She didn’t have to worry about needing to rush from one job to another. Just had to stay in the camp and follow orders. Bunking in close proximity with strangers brought everyone, quite literally, closer to each other. It brought a sense of camaraderie through the entire squad, and three men and one girl four men were even closer.

“In more ways than one…pffffftt- AHAHAHA!!” Jones snorted when he redid James’s impression of a lady, sending the other three into hysterics again. Alex clutched her sides as she tried not to land her face into her food. Even though the mess hall was always loud and noisy at mealtimes, she was sure that their table was one of the rowdiest.

Wiping away the tears from her eyes when the laughing fit was over, Alex finally started on her breakfast, which consisted of a bowl of bland, mushy oatmeal and an apple. She shrugged and ate it anyway. At least it was better than nothing.

“Whoa, look at the rat eat!” Alex turned at the voice behind them. It was Cameron, also in their squad, looking down at her in distaste. “I guess he’s really considered vermin, considering that he can stomach this trash.” He sneered gesturing to the bowl before walking away.

James stood up abruptly. “Hey! What did you just say-”

“Sarge! Calm down!” Alex cut in, coaxing him to sit back down on the bench.

“Are you sure about that, Alex?” Dugan asked. “He’s been real annoying to you ever since the start of camp, and it’s getting to be really irritating.”

James nodded angrily, and Gabe started cracking his knuckles threateningly. Alex immediately started trying to convince the three of them to calm down.

“I’m really fine about this. I’ll fight my fights when I want to. 'Sides, I think he’ll get bored and leave me anyways.”

Dugan, Jones and James conceded to lay back, but Alex could see that they weren’t so convinced.

Alex lifted her head, ears straining to hear any noises outside the barracks. She slowly moved up from her lying position on the bed, pausing every so often when one of the soldiers shifted in his sleep. She reached under her bed and grabbed a small bag of toiletries which she had hidden underneath.

Alex padded past the snoring recruits and slowly pushed the barracks door open. She stuck her head out, looking for any officers who might be patrolling the area, and then scampered off towards the showers.

She settled in a cubicle most hidden from the entrance, and turned on the tap at a minimal flow. Stripping down, Alex gave her hair a quick rinse and dampened a a towel to wipe herself down. Drying off, she dressed and washed her bra, the design adopted from an old newspaper advertisement when the flapper style was all the rage.

After wringing it out, Alex gathered her items and crept back towards the barracks, the whole ordeal only lasting her at most twenty minutes. She heaved a sigh of relief and grabbed the handle of the door, only for it to swing out towards her!

A small squeak of surprise escaped her as her amber eyes met a startled blue.

“Alex?! Whatcha doin’ out here?” James exclaimed, his voice lowered to a whisper.

“Uh, I mean- what are you doing out here as well?”

James paused, and then shrugged nonchalantly. “You got me. I couldn’t sleep, so I came out here for a smoke.”

“I-I didn’t know you smoked.”

“Not very often. What ‘bout you? Couldn’t sleep too?”

“You could say that.” Alex replied, suddenly thankful that she chose to rewear her pajamas so that there wouldn’t be a bundle of suspicious looking laundry, and her small bag of toiletries along with her bra was hidden in her pocket. “But I’m goin’ back in now.”

James nodded before opening the door slightly wider for her to pass through. She slipped in with a nod of thanks and power-walked as quietly as she could to her bed. She climbed into bed, heart beating furiously, only relaxing when she heard the door close.

After hiding away any incriminating evidence, Alex’s mind went back to their conversation:

“You got me. I couldn’t sleep, so I came out here for a smoke.”

Now that was strange. Training was so tiring that everyone usually immediately fell asleep once the day was done. Homesickness?

As Alex let her mind drift, she imagined James standing outside in the chilly night, with only the smoke of a cigarette for company. The thought brought an unknown ache to the bottom of her stomach as she slowly drifted to sleep.

Notes:

- Lets write Alex, Bucky, Dugan and Jones all fooling around after training immediately after a potentially angst-filled scene, shall we? ;)

- I read that “Dum Dum” Dugan and Gabriel “Gabe” Jones were in the 107th, just like Bucky, and I thought it would be best that all four of them would be friends.

- Alex is used to sleeping on just some cardboard at home, and not eating for days when there isn’t enough money for food, so she’s not complaining as much as the other recruits.

- Oooohhh, Cameron made an appearance. Ooooohhhh, Protective!Bucky has also made an appearance! Maybe because Alex is of a small stature, so (s)he kind of reminds Bucky of Pre-Serum Steve, making him go Mother Hen!Bucky.

- But I know y’all aren’t worried about Cameron, ‘cos just like what the sneak preview said, Alex is gonna punch him in the sucker one day :)

- As Alex has learned in the streets that bullies would leave her alone once they’re bored, she becomes mostly unreactive to taunts and blows so that they would go away sooner. Which is why she asked Bucky, Dugan and Jones not to go after Cameron. Also, three-on-one? Isn’t that kinda overkill?

- Alex showers when everyone is asleep, for obvious reasons. She also does it as quickly as she can so as not to get caught.

- About the design of the bra she saw in an old newspaper advertisement. I wasn’t actually lying. Check out the Symington Side Lacer from the Roaring Twenties. Alex’s version is mostly made out of cloth scraps and some help from Aunt Grace, made with the sole purpose of hiding her breasts during work, and in this case, the army.

- When Alex accidentally bumped into Bucky outside the barracks, she was wearing another makeshift Side Lacer, so he didn’t suspect anything. Thank goodness.

- Oooooohhhh what’s this? Alex is developing feelings for Bucky? Not blaming her though. That man looks delicious in the uniform ;) (She won’t be realizing her feelings until much later though)

- Any questions, just ask! Any feedback? Tell me! Comments are greatly appreciated!

Prologue  Chapter 2

Masterlist

Tags:

@mizz-kraziii @cami23593 @beautiful-aravis @buckybarnesneedscuddles @dottirose @katykyll @frittiefries @chipilerendi @fandomsandahintofmagic  @jaditestuff

[justalonelyslytherin]

It wasn’t until the night where he had you by your hair, head wedged between the wall and the bookcase, when you realized the extent of awful he truly had the capacity for.

What a piece of shit. But oh my god, thank god he is the bad one. Even though it will be hard to convince Jake and the other's of that I fear.

“I asked for a divorce and you said no,” you spat. “How much clearer do I have to be? You need to leave, Brody. You’re not welcome here.”

Oh puh. Man I totally understand Kate tho, in a way. It is super hard to get away from an abusive partner and while she could have served him papers, there would be no way he would sign them. So in a way she couldn't get away from him.

You watched in shock as they cuffed both Jake and Brody, despite Rooster’s attempt to explain the situation.

Shit..

Instead, he inched in closer, his face close to yours. “This isn’t the end of our story, Kate,” he whispered and you had to keep yourself from shaking at his proximity. “You’re mine.”

Oh man that is bad.. Shit.

You watched as he looked around the room. You expected his eyes to land on you, but they didn’t. Instead, he zeroed in on Phoenix. “Can I stay at your place tonight?” he asked and she nodded, reaching up to put her hand on his arm. They turned to the doors and you started after them. “Jake!” you said hoarsely, your dry throat cutting you off. “Jake!” Neither turned as you followed them out the doors into the chilled air.

Oh no don't do this Jake.

“Phoenix and Hangman used to date,”

Oh I already had suspected that.. What a dick move of him to go with Phoenix now. But I'm also not happy that Nat is pulling this and letting him. She should have denied him. Man don't do this, especially not when your kid is on the line too. Such stress is not good for the baby. No matter how much that situation has to hurt Jake.. It's a mess.

You pressed your hands to your stomach, felt the baby kicking erratically. Almost as if she was just as upset about this as you were. Bob and Rooster couldn’t stand to watch you just stand there, tears falling out of your eyes as you held your bump.

See that's what I was talking about.. Oh man.

“I’ll drive her back to the house,” Bob said quietly. “If you guys want to meet us there?” he nodded at Lucy and Rooster who agreed. “Come on,” he said softly, holding out an arm. “I got you.”

Bob is such a sweetheart! I'm so glad he and Rooster are there for her.

Phoenix looked pointedly at your stomach. “But you’re running out of time,” she said before walking down the steps and shutting the door behind her.

Bitch! What the fuck Phoenix???!

“They’ve got another mission, babe. They’re leaving the day after tomorrow.”

Oh jesus christ that's a lot. But good that Jake moved into a hotel. Means at least that it isn't going so crisp between him and Phoenix either. If that even got back. I do still believe he is head over heels in love with Kate and he wouldn't 'cheat' like that. Even tho he went with Phoenix pointedly, perhaps even to hurt her back a little.

“How dangerous is this mission? How long are you going to be gone for?” Before you realized, you had tears in your eyes. “I am seven months pregnant, doesn’t he realize that? What if the baby comes early?” “I can’t calm down,” you gritted out. “The father of my child refuses to speak to me. Every night I go to sleep terrified that I’m going to wake up and Brody will be here. And now I find out that Jake is sleeping in a hotel? That he hates me so much he would rather pay for a hotel than come back and try to talk things through?” You padded over to the sink and stretched out your arms, bending over and breathing heavily.

Aww man come on.

“What do you want me to tell your daughter?” you asked and he froze. “You want me to have to tell her that her dad left before she was ever born? That he couldn’t keep a single promise he ever made. That he’ll never be around to protect her. That he didn’t care enough to meet her.” You wiped a tear from your eye as Jake turned to look back into the house. “Don’t you dare tell my daughter that I never loved her. She is the only thing I care about in this world.” His tone was sharp and it felt like he had his fingers laced tightly around your throat. “She is my daughter just as much as she is yours. Don’t try to threaten me, Kate. You will never win.”

Holy cow! Wow, that's… spewing poison huh? My god, I can't wait for it to get better again, like asap

As much as this hurts it's so good! I can only say kudos for creating such an amazing story that can give me such an emotional rollercoaster!

Slow Burn [Chapter 5][Hangman x Reader]

Summary: A one night stand with Hangman disrupts the fresh start you were looking for when moving to San Diego. The unexpected pregnancy forces you two to move fast, and brings with it some hurdles along the way as you and Jake learn how to live with each other. As the months go by, you slowly get to know the real Jake, but when old flames reappear and work obstacles threaten to topple everything, your relationship is put to the test. 

WC: 4.6K

Warnings: Cursing, pregnancy, no use of Y/N, abusive relationship, major angst

Full series masterlist here

You had left New York in search of a fresh start. California was the opposite of everything you had ever known, and that was part of the draw. Lucy had promised endlessly sunny days and fresh seafood. But finally leaving Brody behind was the goal. 

He had started as a prince. Until he wasn’t. It was a whirlwind romance, and then a hurricane. That’s how it always was with Brody. Ultimate highs, followed by ultimate lows. In the beginning he was up. So far up you didn’t know just how low he could go. How far he would dip down. 

Had you known, you never would have said yes.  

It wasn’t until after there was a ring on your finger, a small courthouse ceremony near Chambers Street, cardboard boxes in a new apartment, that you realized the full depths of his potential. It wasn’t until the night where he had you by your hair, head wedged between the wall and the bookcase, when you realized the extent of awful he truly had the capacity for. 

And you fought back. Fought to leave him. But he always made a case to stay and somehow, so did you. The excuses piled up, on both sides. He pushed you to the floor because you forgot to call before you got on the subway and your cell reception was cut off. The next day, two dozen roses showed up at your desk. A cycle, endlessly repeating. 

He was manipulative in a way you didn’t understand until it was too late. One day you woke up and your thoughts weren’t yours anymore and you weren’t sure what was your own and what belonged to him. What actions had come from words whispered into your ear while you were asleep. 

He was dangerous. He always had been. It had just taken you far too long to realize it. 

The day you left, the sky was crying. Fat drops of rain slid down the thick window of the plane as you repeatedly twisted a ponytail holder in your fingers, waiting for the plane doors to close and the captain to confirm you were pushing back from the gate before you dared take a breath. 

You had been careful, but not careful enough. He found you anyway. 

Every gaze in the room turned to you, but you only had eyes for Jake. Jake, whose soft green eyes slid over your face, trying to absorb what you had just said. Jake, who was desperately begging you to say it was a joke, some kind of twisted game, that none of it was real. But it was.  

“What?” he asked quietly, and you begged him silently to just listen. Not to rush to conclusions without hearing the full story.  

“You heard her,” Brody said and you snapped. “Shut up,” you screamed, sliding quickly into old habits. “Why can’t you just leave me alone?” 

“You’re my wife,” he said with a snarl, stepping closer and Jake instinctively held out an arm, blocking him from getting to you. “Back off, man.” He pushed Jake’s arm, which didn’t move an inch.  

“She doesn’t owe you anything,” Jake gritted from behind his teeth. “Don’t you dare get near her.” 

“I asked for a divorce and you said no,” you spat. “How much clearer do I have to be? You need to leave, Brody. You’re not welcome here.” 

“I can’t believe you let him touch you,” Brody smirked. “Let him knock you up like a fucking whore.” 

You opened your mouth to yell, fight back, do all of the things you had always wished you would have done, but Jake’s fist made contact with Brody’s face before you could even formulate a word. The smacking sound of his hand hitting skin bounced against the walls, and you heard Lucy gasp from the other end of the table. 

Jake yanked open the door, shoving Brody outside by his collar into the yard, where he climbed on top of him, landing another punch to his jaw. The entire team filed outside, Coyote and Rooster rushing toward Jake and pulling him off with a struggle, Brody gasping beneath him, face covered in blood. 

A few neighbors exited their houses, concerned looks stitched across their faces as they took in the sight in front of them. Lucy came up behind you, wrapped her arms around your shoulders. 

The revolving red lights shook you from your daze, a squad car squealing to a halt in front of the driveway. You watched in shock as they cuffed both Jake and Brody, despite Rooster’s attempt to explain the situation. Jake was pushed into the backseat of the first squad car, followed closely by Brody in the second. 

“Fuck,” Lucy whispered, as Rooster made his way back up the steps. 

“Kate?” he asked, grabbing you by the shoulders, his voice calm but intense. “Kate, we have to go. We have to go to the station and bail Jake out.” 

You nodded wordlessly, and Lucy grabbed your purse and keys. “She can’t drive,” she whispered to Rooster, who gave you a worried look and took in your state of shock. “I’ll take her and we’ll meet you guys there.”

The rest of the team gathered their belongings and filed out, patting you gently on the arm. Phoenix breezed past you last, a lingering look before she clicked open her car and got in with Coyote. 

At the station, you sat in an uncomfortable chair against the wall along with the rest of the team. Rooster handled all of the paperwork at the desk, and a kind policeman offered you something to drink, taking in your pregnant stomach, which you declined but began to regret once your mouth went dry. 

“Kate Richardson?” A man in uniform appeared at the door and you stood. 

“That’s me.” 

“Your husband has been released.” 

You squeezed your eyes closed and sighed. Brody appeared behind him, and the officer handed him a small plastic bag. He dragged his phone, wallet and keys out, and shoved it back in the man’s hands and you winced. His face had been cleaned of blood, but you could see scratches and redness across it. He had been handsome, once. Too handsome. That had been part of the problem. 

He took a step toward you and you started to back up, immediately bumping into something. Turning, you saw that Rooster had stepped right behind you, and he placed both hands on your shoulders. 

Brody looked at you and Rooster, and then out at the full team settled into their chairs. “So this is it, huh?” he asked sharply. “This is what you left me for?” 

“I left you because you’re an abusive prick,” you said quietly, and the air in the room stalled. 

Brody laughed and shook his head. “Stop making things up, baby.”

“Don’t gaslight me.” 

He stepped closer and you felt Rooster’s grip tighten, ready to pounce. “Don’t get too close, man,” Rooster warned. 

Brody seethed. “She’s my wife, dickhead. I’ll get as close as I want.” 

You shook your head. “Not anymore. I asked for a divorce. Or are you going to pretend like that never happened.”

“And then you up and left,” he shrugged. “I ripped the papers up. Sorry.” There wasn’t an ounce of apology in his words. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” you demanded. “What did you think coming here would accomplish?”

“I wanted you back,” he said, matter of fact, and you had to choke back the bile that rose in your throat. Brody’s dark eyes roamed over your face, your belly, and you had an unpleasant wave of memories come crashing down. Brody’s hands on you during sex, gripping so tight he left bruises. His warm breath in your ear whispering how much he loved you, how he was going to take care of you forever. And then there was you. Stupidly, naively, beliving him. Believing him when he said that he was your family now, because you had nobody left. That you owed him something. He acted like he had picked up the pieces and made you whole, but he had only ever broken you.

“But now I see just how tainted you are,” he spat. “Dirty. And I’m not so sure I want you back.” 

You sagged a little, and Rooster moved his hands to your upper arms, supporting you from behind. 

“Leave, Brody, or else I’m going to go get one of those cops to lock you up again. Do us all a favor and never come back,” Lucy said, coming to stand next to you and Rooster and you shot her a look of appreciation. 

Brody lunged forward and for a split second you thought he was going to hit you. Here, in the middle of the police station waiting room. Automatically you turned your head, bracing for impact. The rest of the dagger squad leapt to their feet. 

Instead, he inched in closer, his face close to yours. “This isn’t the end of our story, Kate,” he whispered and you had to keep yourself from shaking at his proximity. “You’re mine.” 

And then he pulled back, walking briskly through the double doors and into the darkness. You instinctively turned around in Rooster’s arms and pressed into his chest, and his arms came around you. “It’s OK,” he whispered, looking up at the doors, his voice rumbling through his chest. “He’s gone.” He didn’t sound so sure.  

When you pulled away, you saw the full team looking at you. You opened your mouth to explain, make them understand, when another policeman appeared in the doorway. 

“Who is here for Jake Seresin?”

“Us,” the team chimed in unison. 

Jake emerged from behind the divider, taking his phone out of the plastic bag and gently handing it back to the officer on duty. “Thank you, sir,” he said. 

“Goodnight Lieutenant,” the man responded, shuffling to the side to let Jake past. 

You watched as he looked around the room. You expected his eyes to land on you, but they didn’t. Instead, he zeroed in on Phoenix. “Can I stay at your place tonight?” he asked and she nodded, reaching up to put her hand on his arm. 

They turned to the doors and you started after them. “Jake!” you said hoarsely, your dry throat cutting you off. “Jake!” 

Neither turned as you followed them out the doors into the chilled air. 

“Jake, please!” 

You watched as they got in Phoenix’s car, flicked on the headlights and pulled out into the night. Lucy came up behind you and put her arm around your shoulders. “Come on, let’s go home.” 

Coyote, Fanboy, Payback, Bob and Rooster all stood behind her, varying stages of guilt and concern across their faces. “What am I missing here?” you asked quietly, wiping at a tear on your cheek. 

Bob turned to Rooster, his eyes wide. “We should tell her.” 

“That’s Jake’s thing to tell her,” Coyote added and Bob shrugged. 

“Tell me what,” you demanded, looking around the semicircle. 

“Phoenix and Hangman used to date,” Rooster said finally and your eyes widened. “Back at the Academy. It was a long time ago, but we’ve always kind of thought there was still something there.” 

You pressed your hands to your stomach, felt the baby kicking erratically. Almost as if she was just as upset about this as you were. 

Bob and Rooster couldn’t stand to watch you just stand there, tears falling out of your eyes as you held your bump. 

“I’ll drive her back to the house,” Bob said quietly. “If you guys want to meet us there?” he nodded at Lucy and Rooster who agreed. “Come on,” he said softly, holding out an arm. “I got you.” 

You took it and let Bob guide you gently into the passenger seat of his truck. You were shocked that he drove a F-150. He was a mellow driver, quiet, no music. And to his credit, he didn’t wince or hesitate when you started to cry, your face turned out the window. He just kept driving into the night. 

***

Jake didn’t come home that night. When you woke up the next day, Rooster, Lucy and Bob were cleaning the kitchen, packing up leftovers and scrubbing dishes. They watched you with regretful eyes. 

“I told them,” Lucy whispered as she set a cup of tea in front of where you sat on a bar stool. “About Brody. About everything. They’re on your side.” 

You nodded weakly. 

A few hours later, the doorbell rang and you jumped up. Lucy rushed to open the door and you braced yourself against the wall near the powder room. You had so much you wanted to say to Jake. You just weren’t sure if he would listen. Maybe you didn’t deserve his time.  

But it wasn’t Jake at the door.  

“What are you doing here?” Lucy demanded, one hand on her hip. Rooster and Bob emerged from the kitchen. 

“I’m here to get some stuff for Jake,” Phoenix said, walking up the stairs. You followed after her, more of a waddle than anything, the others on your heels. 

“What do you mean getting stuff?” you asked as Phoenix barreled into Jake’s room, flicking on the master bedroom lights with ease. It was clear she knew her way around the house. The image of her and Jake burned behind your eyes. You hated that it made your insides squeeze in pain. 

“He needs clothes,” she said. “Shoes. Work stuff.” 

Rooster leaned against the doorframe. “Trace,” he said. “Come on, it doesn’t have to be like this. Talk to him. Get him to come home and hear her out.” 

“He doesn’t want to see her,” she said, her voice muffled as she bent over to fill a duffle bag. 

You reached back and sat on the edge of the bed. It felt like you were watching Phoenix move about the room through a screen. Nothing about the last twenty-four hours felt real. 

“I don’t blame him,” she added, her tone terse. 

“Phoenix, can’t you see you’re hurting her?” Bob asked gently, sitting down next to you on the bed and touching your arm softly. 

She emerged from the closet, depositing the bag on the ground near Rooster’s feet, and started into the bathroom, filling his leather dopp kit. “You want me to feel bad for her? She lied, Bob. She tricked Jake. She tricked all of us. I can’t believe you’re falling for it.” 

“That’s not true,” you said quietly. “I didn’t lie to Jake.”

Phoenix stopped and turned to stare at you. “You didn’t tell him, either.” 

“Brody is a bad person,” Lucy said. “You don’t know the full story.” 

“All I know is Jake said he needs some time to think about things.” Phoenix grabbed the bags from the floor and started down the stairs. 

Trailing after her, you stopped on the landing. “How much time?”

She shrugged and opened the door. “I’m not sure.” Phoenix looked pointedly at your stomach. “But you’re running out of time,” she said before walking down the steps and shutting the door behind her. You slumped to sitting on the landing. Bob reached down to comfort you. You hated that you were building a wall not only between you and Jake, but between Bob and Phoenix. They were a team. They all were a team. And you had strutted in and messed it all up.  

“He’s not coming back, is he?” you asked, teary. Lucy and Rooster looked at each other with worried glances, and Bob grimaced behind his glasses. 

“I don’t know,” Rooster said finally. “I’m sorry.” 

***

Two weeks passed and you still hadn’t heard from Jake. Rooster and Lucy stopped by the house almost daily to keep you company. Sometimes Bob would come by as well, and you’d make them dinner and try to pretend that everything was OK. But then they would shuffle off to their own houses, and you’d be left in Jake’s home. You moved back to your room. It felt too macabre to continue to sleep in Jake’s bed when you knew he was sleeping in Phoenix’s. 

You called once and left a voicemail, along with a handful of texts that got delivered and left on read. How could you blame him? 

Instead you made arrangements to move into a new apartment with Lucy. She and Rooster had started seeing each other casually, and you mentioned it one night over dinner to the two of them. She had nodded fervently, and the two of you had toured seven places before settling on one a few miles away with a view of the beach from the top floor. 

“Can you tell Jake,” you asked Rooster as he speared a piece of cucumber on his salad with a fork. 

“Tell him what?”

“That I’m moving out. He can come back,” you said, folding your hands on your stomach. “Or maybe he’s so happy at Phoenix’s he’ll never come back.” 

Bob and Rooster shared a glance and you narrowed your eyes. “What aren’t you telling me?”

“Nothing.” 

“Robert,” you said, turning to Bob with the best stern parenting face you could muster. He buckled. 

“He’s not staying with Phoenix anymore.” 

“What? Where is he?” you gasped. 

“He’s at a hotel.” 

“A hotel?” You squinted. “Fuck,” you whispered, putting your head in your hands. “I need to leave. This is his house, I’m being a burden. I need to leave today.” 

“Kate, no,” Rooster said. “Jake is fine where he is. We’re leaving in a few days anyway.” 

“What do you mean you’re leaving?” 

Lucy looked at you sadly over the takeout containers. “They’ve got another mission, babe. They’re leaving the day after tomorrow.” Rooster had his arm slung around the back of her chair, and his fingers reached out to squeeze her shoulder. “But it’s OK. It’s going to be OK. Let’s get you packed up and moved into mine tomorrow, and while they’re away we can get the new place decorated.” 

You pushed rice around on your plate and then dropped the fork. “How dangerous is this mission? How long are you going to be gone for?” Before you realized, you had tears in your eyes. “I am seven months pregnant, doesn’t he realize that? What if the baby comes early?” 

“Kate, you have to calm down. It’s not good for the baby,” Lucy warned and you stood up, your bump knocking the table. 

“I can’t calm down,” you gritted out. “The father of my child refuses to speak to me. Every night I go to sleep terrified that I’m going to wake up and Brody will be here. And now I find out that Jake is sleeping in a hotel? That he hates me so much he would rather pay for a hotel than come back and try to talk things through?” You padded over to the sink and stretched out your arms, bending over and breathing heavily. 

“Bob’s going to stay here with you tonight,” Rooster said quietly from behind you. “Make sure everything’s OK and that you feel safe. And tomorrow we’ll come help you pack up.” 

You turned around and wiped away a tear. “You don’t have to do that.” 

“I want to,” Bob said softly and the smile on his face made you launch yourself into his arms. You felt his hesitant arms come around you, pat you softly on the back. “You’re OK, I promise.” 

Pulling back, you looked at the three of them. In the span of only a few weeks, they had become the family you had so desperately wanted with Jake. “I can’t thank you guys enough,” you whispered. “For defending me. For standing against Jake and Phoenix and the rest of the team.” 

Rooster pulled Lucy in against his chest and smiled. “It’s not difficult to side with the right thing, Kate.” 

Later that night, you and Bob had settled into the couch watching a cooking show. Outside the sky was pitch black. You reached out in front of you for your water bottle on the coffee table when the baby started to kick, fiercely, into your side and you doubled over in a grimace. 

“Kate?” Bob asked, his voice picking up at the end. “Are you OK?” 

You tilted your head up and grunted. “Fine. She’s just kicking. Hard.” 

“Oh, OK.” He looked relieved and you almost laughed. Bob was your favorite of the squad by far. Rooster was a close second — he was dependable and strong and he obviously cared about Lucy. Bob was quiet and unassuming, but he was also a silent leader. He had taken your side and you never once saw him crack. 

“Can I ask you a question?” 

“Of course.” 

“Tell me about Phoenix and Jake. Their backstory.” 

Bob looked down at his hands, tangled in the large blanket that you had thrown over both of your legs. 

“I just need to know,” you added. “Even if it hurts.” 

He nodded. “I didn’t go to the Academy, so this is all second hand. But from what I’ve heard, they dated off and on for about two years while they were there.”

“Was it serious?” Phoenix’s words from the birthday party about never having witnessed Jake in something long term rolled around in your head. 

“She met his parents, I know that.” 

You let out a sharp exhale. “I see.” 

“Hangman isn’t the settling down type,” Bob added. “Or at least I thought so. Until I saw how he looked at you.” 

You shook your head. “I think I ruined that.” 

“I think there’s still a chance.” You looked up into Bob’s warm chocolatey eyes. 

“Yeah?”

“You’re having his baby,” he said softly. “I know if I were in his shoes, I would be upset that you didn’t tell me. But I would want to give you the benefit of the doubt. And for the sake of the baby, I would want to try to make it work.” 

“I wish Jake would see it that way.” The baby kicked again, sharply into your ribs, and you lifted your sweater, running a hand along your bare stomach. “Honey, please, I’m in the middle of a conversation. Can you wait to kick the breath out of me until later?” 

Bob chuckled and you watched him eye your stomach. 

“Do you want to feel it?” you asked. 

His eyes widened but he nodded and you reached out to grab his hand, lying it flat against your stomach on the side, angled slightly down. The baby kicked right against him and he let out a gasp of shock. You laughed. “Wow,” he said softly. “That’s incredible.” 

You were so caught up that you didn’t hear the door open, or the creak of someone walking across the hardwood floor into the kitchen. It wasn’t until you heard a voice from a few feet away that you realized you two weren’t alone. 

“What, I leave so you move on to Bob? Fucking baby on board Bob?” 

Jake’s voice sent shockwaves down your spine and you and Bob whipped your heads to peer over the back of the couch. Jake stood in the kitchen wearing jeans and a hoodie, his face drawn and sullen. After two weeks without seeing him, you noticed how different he looked. His cheeks were sunken, he had bags under his eyes, he looked exhausted. 

“Jake,” you said, pulling your shirt down and pushing to standing. “Oh my God, what are you doing here?” 

“It’s my house,” he said and his tone almost knocked you off your feet. Ice cold. 

“Of course,” you said, closing the distance between the two of you. “I just meant, you’re here.” You breathed a sigh of relief and reached out toward him but he took a large step back. 

“I needed to get some stuff for the mission,” he said, turning into the kitchen. You followed after him and stood in the foyer as he walked upstairs. 

Bob appeared in the kitchen doorway, his face drawn and pale. “Go talk to him,” he whispered and you nodded, grabbing the railing and climbing upstairs slowly. 

“Jake,” you called out, entering the master bedroom. You hadn’t been inside since the day Phoenix came for his things. 

“Listen, Kate, I’m not here to talk. I’m here to get my shit and get out.” 

“Jake, please,” you begged and he stopped what he was doing, turned to you. “You have to let me apologize and explain. I wasn’t trying to hide anything from you, I swear. He’s part of a life that I was trying to leave behind.” 

He shook his head. “You said a long time ago that we didn’t really know each other.” You locked eyes as he zippered up the duffle bag. “You were right.” 

Jake took off down the hall and stairs, and you followed him slowly. In the kitchen, he rummaged around on the built-in desk. “Maybe we don’t know each other,” you said. “You never told me about Phoenix.” 

He looked up with hard eyes. “There’s nothing going on with me and Phoenix.” 

“That’s not what I’ve heard,” you said and Jake’s eyes flicked over to Bob in anger. 

“The fuck are you telling her, Floyd?” he yelled and you watched Bob freeze. “You think you can just come in here and play house with the mother of my child? In my house? Telling her fucking lies about me to get her to what, fall for you?” 

Bob stuttered and you held out your hands, walking in front of him like a human shield. “Don’t take this out on Bob! He and Rooster have been nothing but kind to me. You want to know why he’s here? Because I am fucking terrified to go to sleep at night by myself in this house. I’m terrified that one night, Brody is going to show up again and this time there will be no one to protect me from him. You don’t know him, Jake. You don’t know how dangerous he can be.” 

You looked down at your feet. 

“You don’t know what he’s done to me. What he’s capable of.” 

Jake’s eyes darkened and you watched his hands grip tightly on the back of the desk chair. You stepped closer to him, pressed one hand over his. 

“Jake, please. Come home. Can’t we just talk before you leave?”

He pulled his hand out from underneath yours and grabbed his bag from the floor, pushing past you into the foyer. 

“So that’s it? You’re just going to leave and not tell me when you’ll be back. If you’ll be back.” 

Jake was silent as he yanked open the door. 

“What do you want me to tell your daughter?” you asked and he froze. “You want me to have to tell her that her dad left before she was ever born? That he couldn’t keep a single promise he ever made. That he’ll never be around to protect her. That he didn’t care enough to meet her.” 

You wiped a tear from your eye as Jake turned to look back into the house. “Don’t you dare tell my daughter that I never loved her. She is the only thing I care about in this world.” His tone was sharp and it felt like he had his fingers laced tightly around your throat. “She is my daughter just as much as she is yours. Don’t try to threaten me, Kate. You will never win.” 

You watched as his taillights blurred into the night. 

He was gone.

A/N: The classic "things need to get worse to get better" situation I promise! Also I'm sorry I did Phoenix so dirty, but we needed some conflict! And since I've been asked — this is not the last chapter I promise. There will probably be two more chapters to come.

Tag list: @hotch-meeeeeuppppp @rosiahills22 @blue-aconite @barbiegirlbaby @justanothermagicalsara @my-soulmate-is-mycroft @lgg5989 @sqrlgrl22 @okayyypurrrr @khaylin27 @bleuisabella @abaker74 @fangirling-4-ever @dempy @backinwonderl4nd @cool-ultra-nerd @pansexualwitchwhoneedstherapy @belledawnidk @momc95 @oneelleandaneye @xoxabs88xox  @shanimallina87 @endofdays56 @lilylilyyyyyy @yougottalovefandoms @eringaitskill30 @skylarisaturtle @amj29292 @shawnsblue @krismdavis 

[saiyukisecretsanta-blog]

When Morning Breaks

For @junkerfox by @imaginarydragonling (imaginary_dragonling on AO3)

Surprise! I hope you like this gift!

Title: When Morning Breaks Pairing/Characters: Sha Gojyo & Cho Hakkai; Sha Gojyo & Genjo Sanzo Genre: Outer Space AU; Astronaut AU Rating: Teen & Up Warnings: Some foul language Optional: Playlist on Spotify

“Home Command, come in, Home Command.” Gojyo counted to three before pressing the intercom button again. The signal at mission control back on earth should have alerted someone that he wanted to talk by now. “Home Command, come in, Home Command.” Gojyo didn’t know what the signal was, but he hoped it was a big flashing red alarm. With sirens. And whistles. “Home Command, come in—“

“WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY?!”

“Ohhh, so you are alive and listening!” Gojyo couldn’t help the grin spreading across his face at the rage in his flight director’s voice. Genjo Sanzo sounded like he was several notches above his usual eight on the irritability scale.

Excellent.

“I was beginning to think that you were all dead…” Gojyo said. “And I’d come home to the zombie apocalypse and have to shoot you all to survive.”

“If you were here, I’d put a bullet through your brain.”

“Whew, woke up on the wrong side of bed did we? Or haven’t you had your morning cigarette yet, eh Sanzo?”

“That’s Genjo to you, Sha. And none of your goddamned business!”

“Yes sir, Genjo Sanzo-sama.” Gojyo raised his hand in a mock salute even though Sanzo couldn’t see him.

“You’re such a shithead, Sha. And you’re late. Where’s your status report?”

“Well, somebody didn’t pick up when I called.” Gojyo tucked his hands behind his head and kicked off from the control panel wall.

“I had other matters to attend to. I’m not your babysitter.” Gojyo smiled at the aggravation in Sanzo’s voice.

“Sorry. I forgot how busy you must be, running a whole mission control center by yourself.”

“Piss off!”

Gojyo laughed. “What’s been happening back there? You’re crankier than usual these days.”

“Never you mind.”

“Must be something big then.” Gojyo braced his hands against the wall to halt his momentum. He flipped over and kicked off again with practiced ease. “Come on. What’s been happening down there? Share the gossip will ya?”

Silence from Sanzo, and Gojyo was eyeing the intercom button again when Sanzo’s voice crackled in his ear, “Is your newslink working?”

Gojyo twisted his head to scan the panel of lights and switches that made up the control system of his spacecraft. He spotted the green light on the bulb after a moment of searching. “Yeah…”

“Read the damned news yourself.”

“Aww, come on Sanzo. Maybe I just want to hear your voice.” Flip. Kick. Float. “It gets lonely up here, ya know?”

“Disgusting. I better not be in any of your perverted fantasies.”

“Oh, would you like to know? Let’s see, there was last night when—”

“I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!”

Gojyo cackled. “C’mon Sanzo… It’s so fucking boring up here. Humour me with a story.”

“Go read a book then. Isn’t the ship library full of them?”

“They’re all so boooringggg. Nothing but audio films about human nature and the histories of war. Not even a cartoon porno among the lot of them. Whoever stocked this baby up must have been an old geezer.”

“Hmph, sounds educational. Maybe you could learn a thing or two and fill that empty head of yours.”

“Hey, my head is plenty full. I’ve got all these fantasies about you in here.”

Gojyo grinned and did two more laps between the walls of the control compartment while Sanzo ranted about kicking his ass and shooting him when he got back to earth.

Gojyo waited until he heard Sanzo drawing deep calming breaths and the tell tale drag of a cigarette before Gojyo drawled, “So, I guess that’s a ‘no’ on the story then?”

There was the shattering of a cup and the clatter of files and papers hitting the floor from Sanzo’s end of the line. Gojyo reminded himself to get something nice for housekeeping and janitorial services when he got back as he listened to Sanzo redecorate his office.

“Just give me your damned report,” Sanzo grit out after he had finally finished cussing out Gojyo.

Gojyo rated Sanzo at a nine point five and figured he had pushed him enough. “Righto, Sanzo-sama~~”

“Oh, this will be the last time we talk for awhile.”

That made Gojyo sit up. Although ‘up’ was a relative term when one was floating in zero gravity. “You going on vacation or something, Cherry-chan? I know you don’t have a girlfriend, so it can’t be that you’re getting married and going on your honeymoon…”

“Shut up. It’s none of your business.”

“I disagree. You’re leaving me for someone else and you won’t even tell me what she looks like? Does she have a big rack?”

“…”

“Is she prettier than me?”

“…”

“It’s actually a boyfriend isn’t it.”

“I SAID IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, YOU PERVERTED COCKROACH!”

“Sanzo, we’re friends, right? You know you can tell me if you got demoted—”

“If you must know,” and Gojyo could clearly visualize the vein throbbing at Sanzo’s temple, “I have to go oversee a training mission.”

“Wow wow, Mr-High-and-Mighty supervising a training mission? Don’t you have subordinates for that?”

“None that are competent, clearly.”

“What’s wrong with this guy?”

“He’s a promising candidate, but apparently can be quite the handful.”

“That’s what they said about me and look how I turned out!”

“All the more reason for me to nip this in the bud and beat some sense into him now. You’re a lost cause.”

“Oh stop. You’re making me blush. Sounds like the little monkey is about the get some training. You should hand him over to me when I get back. I could give him some tips.”

“Not a fucking chance. He’s stupid enough to believe what you say too.”

“Aww, he sounds adorable. I can’t wait to meet him.”

Gojyo thought he heard Sanzo mutter ‘over my dead body’ under his breath, and decided to switch gears to more pertinent matters.

“So, who’s your replacement going to be? Not some brown-nosing intern right? I need a professional here.”

A pause before, “You’ll see soon enough, Gojyo. I gotta go. They keep calling me about the twerp. It’s annoying. Your new flight controller will check in with you at the usual time tomorrow. Don’t be late.”

“Naww, you’re going to leave me hanging, Sanzo? After all the pictures of the moon I took for you…

“You’re letting a chick take over right? Please tell me it’s a chick, Sanzo. Sanzo? Sanzoooooo!”

Gojyo knew when to give up. Sanzo was probably long gone and Gojyo wasn’t feeling like enough of an ass today to annoy anyone else at mission control. He had had enough fun winding up Sanzo to last him a while. Gojyo blinked. He was going to miss him.

Space was boring. It was quiet, empty, cold. Gojyo worked out, ate, attended to bodily functions. He even started on an audio book, a Chinese classic. He got through about five minutes of it before he gave up and shut it off. Gojyo blasted music from the speakers and waited for sleep to claim him.

Alarms were blaring. White and then red. White and red. White. Red. She was white. The water was red. The tub was full. Red. The water was spilling over. Red. Pooling around his ankles. Red. Soaking his pants. Red. The water was cold. Shouts. Screams. The scent of copper was overpowering. He couldn’t breathe—

Gojyo’s eyes snapped open, gasping for breath. His ears were ringing, but it was just the ship’s intercom begging to be answered.

Someone was trying to reach him.

Gojyo ripped his sleeping bag open, was waylaid by the tangle of straps anchoring him to the sleeping alcove before he freed himself and kicked off the wall to shoot the ten feet or so across the main hub to get to the control compartment. His shoulder slammed into the wall as he flipped the switch to open his coms channel.

“What the everloving fuck is the emergency Sanzo?! If the ship’s not headed towards a collision course I’m gonna roast your ass!”

Silence. Though, he was sure that there was someone there because he heard their sharp intake of surprise, could almost hear the gears turning in their head at his less than courteous response. Odd, Sanzo never hesitated to give Gojyo a piece of his mind.

“My apologies.” Gojyo froze. That wasn’t Sanzo. The voice was male, but the tone and timbre of it was all wrong. Unless Sanzo has caught a head cold that made his voice higher in register, milder… sadder? “Did I wake you, Mr. Sha?”

“Err…no, no, I was awake at umm I mean it’s already six-oh-six…oh fucking hell that’s early.”

“Do you not rise at oh-five-hundred hours everyday, Mr Sha?” The way the voice said it, Gojyo didn’t know if he was supposed to be ashamed for not being up at the crack of dawn or reassure the voice that the notes he had on Gojyo’s schedule were, in fact, correct.

“Oh-five—? Oh no, fuck no. I mean, I know check in is supposed to be at six, but Sanzo never cared. Heck, he’d murder me if I called at six before he had a chance to read his paper. Much better to wait til eight when he’s got at least two cups of coffee and half a pack of cigarettes in him.”

“You check in late because you’re afraid the flight director will murder you in space? All the way from earth?”

Gojyo didn’t know if he should be insulted or amused. “Hey, the man’s a demon. If there’s something he wants, he’d move heaven and hell to get it.”

“Ah. Yes. I suppose that is rather like him. I still have to log your report though.” There’s a delicate pause. “Could you…?”

“Oh shit man, sure. Here’re my specs.”

Gojyo recited the figures and the man dutifully recorded his dictation, thanking Gojyo when they were done. He sounded young, definitely not much older than Gojyo, if at all. But he was competent. He hadn’t asked Gojyo to repeat himself, hadn’t hesitated on some of the more intricate readings, and Gojyo got the sense that he had been perfectly and thoroughly understood. Not an intern then. Gojyo wracked his brain trying to place him. Who had he known that was this calm, cool, and polite?

Too polite.

“Well, I think that is all. I will let you go and perhaps you will be able to catch up on those hours of interrupted sleep, Mr Sha.” The voice sounded contrite. Or amused?

“You gotta go huh?”

“Yes, I suppose I should withdraw.” The voice was soft, apologetic. “Good morning, Mr. Sha.”

Something stirred in Gojyo.

“Hey wait.”

“Yes?”

Gojyo let out the breath he had been holding, “You my new flight controller?”

“Yes, I suppose I am.”

“Aww, shucks,” Gojyo huffed a laugh. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, you seem nice and all, but I was really hoping Sanzo would do the world a favour and get a chick on the line for me.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. We’re a bit short staffed at the moment. But if you really mind, perhaps I can ask Sanzo to—“

“Nah man, it’s fine.” Gojyo located his headset and put it on. “I was only kidding. You gotta learn to live a little. Anyway, I know this isn’t the most exciting job, and I know I’m not the easiest person to work with, but I guess, what I’m really trying to say is…nice to meet you.

“I don’t know who you pissed off to get stuck with this post, but beggars and lonely astronauts can’t be choosers and I’m just happy to meet ya.”

Silence, and Gojyo wondered if he had said too much. He had a tendency to come on strong. But then the voice said, “Thank you, Mr Sha. That’s very kind of you to say.”

“It’s Gojyo. Just call me Gojyo.”

“Alright, Gojyo-san.”

“Say, what’s your name?”

More silence. And then, “Hakkai.”

Gojyo smiled. “See ya around, Hakkai.”

The line went dead and Gojyo checked the time. Four minutes to oh-eight-hundred hours. Not that it mattered. Gojyo found that time held little meaning in space where there was no sunrise or sunset. Gojyo sighed. He let the monotone droning of the narrator from the audio book he had abandoned yesterday lull him back to sleep.

“Let’s play twenty questions.” The words slipped out before he could stop himself.

He had just finished giving Hakkai his report, and Hakkai had just wished him good morning. Hakkai always hung up after wishing him good morning. Just like he had the day before. And the day before that.

“I beg your pardon?” Hakkai sounded surprised.

Gojyo tried to play it cool. “Twenty questions? Y’know… It’s a guessing game. Or a getting to know you game.” He hadn’t meant to say that. So much for playing it cool. “Whatever. I’m bored, man.”

“Hmm, I see.” Gojyo floated with baited breath as he waited for Hakkai’s response. “How do you play it?”

Gojyo’s elbows banged against the wall. When he had finished swearing, “You’ve never heard of twenty questions?! What about I spy? Truth or dare?”

“I can’t say I’m familiar with any of those.”

“… That settles it. This isn’t just about boredom anymore. Y’need an education.”

“I do?”

“Yup. Here, I’ll start. I’m thinking of something. You have twenty questions to guess it. Go.”

“Umm, what colour is it?”

“Black.”

“Is it cold?”

“Yep.”

“Is it space?”

“Gee whiz, you’re good at this.”

“Ha ha ha, thank you, Gojyo-san.”

“Beginner’s luck. Your turn. Got something?”

“Oh. Yes, I suppose I do.”

“Boxers or briefs?”

“Excuse me?”

“Do you wear boxers or briefs?”

“How is this supposed to help you win?”

“What makes you think this isn’t winning?”

“…”

“Is your silence an invitation to find out for myself?”

“You do know that this is recorded right?”

“Sanzo’s the only one who would listen to this. He wouldn’t care.”

“How do you know?”

“You’re right. He would care. He’d be furious. I’m wearing boxers by the way. Black with little red hearts. Wanna see?”

“Gojyo-san!”

“Alright, alright. Well, boxers or briefs?”

“Umm…”

“Oh, I know! You go commando like Sanzo!”

“What?!”

“Yeah, didn’t you know? Do you want to know how I know?”

“…no, I don’t think I do.”

“Aww, I love that story. I tell it all the time at parties. Or to anyone who will listen to me really. Hmm, maybe that’s why Sanzo stopped assigning other people as my flight controller. You can tell our Great Leader I told you all about it… Hakkai? You still there?”

Gojyo somersaulted and looked at the panel. The intercom light was still on. For one long moment, Gojyo thought that maybe he had gone too far, that Hakkai had simply gotten up and walked away. It wouldn’t be the first time it happened to Gojyo.

But then—

Hakkai’s laugh rang in his ears. It was a melodic sound, delightful, genuine.

“Do you do this with all your flight controllers?”

“Only the ones I like.”

“Oh, really?”

“Oh, really!”

When they had both stopped chuckling, a comfortable silence fell between them, broken only when Hakkai, soft and serious, said, “Briefs.”

They played twenty questions everyday. Sometimes Gojyo won. Hakkai won more. Even when Gojyo tried real hard. Before he knew it, a month had passed, and winning or losing didn’t matter so much anymore.

“What do you do for fun?”

“Fun?”

“Hobbies. Y’know, things you do in your free time.”

“Oh! I cook, clean, do the laundry—”

“Hold up. Seriously? You sound like an old lady.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“N-no… Are you an old lady?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m about the same age as you.”

“How do you know how old I am?”

“It’s in your file.”

“Oh… Oh right. … What else does my file say?”

“Sha Gojyo. One hundred and eighty four centimeters, seventy-five point three kilo—”

“Skip the boring stuff, man. What does it say under the personality evaluation and comments section?”

“Lecherous. Simpleton. Pain in the ass… I don’t think I should repeat the rest.”

“… Sanzo wrote that didn’t he?”

Hakkai was easy to talk to. Gojyo found himself looking forward to their chats after they were done recording the status of Gojyo’s ship. Waking up at oh-five-hundred hours didn’t seem so abominable anymore. Gojyo almost looked forward to it.

“I’ve been thinking about your question.”

“What question?”

“About my hobbies. Something I would do for fun.”

“Oh. Did you come up with something?”

“Gardening. I think I would have liked to take up gardening.”

“What do you mean you ‘would have liked to?’ Don’t you have a garden?”

“… No, I don’t.”

“Hmm, well, something to work towards I guess.”

“Perhaps.”

“Don’t you have a hobby now? What do you do when you’re not working or sleeping?”

“I… I’ve started practicing tai chi?”

“… You’re really an old lady at heart aren’t you…”

“Ha ha ha. I suppose I am.”

“Why don’t you?”

“Don’t what?”

“Take up gardening. If that’s what you really want to do. Just do it. Give it a try. If it brings you happiness, who cares what some fucker up in the sky says.”

“I sail.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“I sail. You told me your hobby, I’m telling you mine. Fair’s fair.”

“Oh, thank you. That’s a nice hobby, Gojyo-san.”

“Have you sailed before?”

“No, I can’t say I have.”

“Shit man, you haven’t lived then. Sailing… It’s an adventure. Wind in the sails and sun on your back. And my boat, oh… This baby I’m in right now might be newer and shinier, but she’s got nothin’ on my girl…”

“He.”

“…huh?”

“He’s got nothing on your girl.”

“You calling my spaceship a ‘he?’”

“Trust me. It’s a he.”

“Alright, man. It’s a he.”

Those were good days.

After two months of talking to him daily, Gojyo thought he knew the man pretty well. Gojyo could at least tell when Hakkai was being honest and when he was hiding. From what, Gojyo didn’t know. There was more to Hakkai than met the eye. Or the ear, for that matter. However, it wasn’t his place to pry. But sometimes, it made him wonder.

Especially on the bad days.

“It’s raining, isn’t it.”

“Ha ha ha. Wow, Gojyo-san. How did you know?”

“Sanzo hates the rain. He gets grumpy and closes in on himself. Becomes even more of a crab ass. You’re like him in that sense.”

“I’m a crab ass?”

“No, but you also shut everyone else out.”

“I’m sorry. That was rude of me. Whatever you’re dealing with is your business, man. I’m just… Eighteen months is a long time to be alone. It’s in the job description, and you talk to all these shrinks before you go, but you’re never quite prepared, y’know? What am I saying, of course you don’t know. I hope you never know either. It’s like prison. Not that I’m wishing that on you either, but, sometimes, I feel like I’m going crazy. Or like my mind is just going. It’s like a never ending journey. Alone. I think that’s the worse part. I think I could handle it if I wasn’t alone. Sorry. Give me a minute, I think one of the food packets got loose. Some days… I just wish I never woke up.”

Time wound on. Six weeks. Five weeks. Four weeks before he could dock at the International Space Station and shuttle back to earth. Gojyo felt his spirits lift. Hakkai must have sensed it too, because he was back to his cheerful self and seemed determined to keep things that way.

“What’s the first thing you want to do when you get back?”

“You planning a surprise party for me?”

“Hahaha. I can’t tell you if it’s a surprise.”

“Fine… I would have a smoke. Drink beer. Pick up chicks and definitely shag someone.”

“That’s quite the list.”

“Gotta have things to look forward to, y’know… Otherwise, what’s the point of living?”

<hr>

“You should come by sometime. I’ll be down by the docks. Look for the biggest whitest yacht in the bay. My sailboat will be right next to it, with the scuffed up hull and red sails.”

“Isn’t that painting yourself poorly?”

“Nah man, my boat—she’s a babe. What really matters is what’s under the hood. She’s got heart and she’s got soul. She’d never go down. Not without a fight.”

“I see.”

“You’ll come right? For a day trip at the very least. You’ve gotta experience the sea at least once. It’s warm and slow and rough and you’ll never know what you’re gonna get next.

“Not like space. One short struggle with the G-forces, then it’s over. Rest of the time you’re just floating, feeling your body rot away. Space has got nothin’ on the sea.”

“Why did you become an astronaut then?”

“I dunno, because people told me I couldn’t be. Why did you become a flight controller?”

“It’s something to pass the time.”

“Shit, man. That’s depressing.”

“Oh, is it? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”

“Nah, man, it’s cool. Just…you sound like you’re on your deathbed.”

“Oh. Right.”

Gojyo twitched.

“You’re not, are ya?”

“What?”

“Dying…”

The silence was deafening. Gojyo was about to ram his fist into the intercom button when Hakkai spoke, “Gojyo-san, I want you to know that—“

Alarms wailed and the warning lights around Gojyo flashed orange and red.

“FUCK!” Gojyo punched the alarm button, muting the sirens overhead even as he stared at the screens on the control panels.

“Gojyo-san! What’s going on?”

“You tell me! I— Shit! Micro asteroids. Coming in hot! They’re going to shred right through me!”

“Bank starboard! Full blast on aft thrusters.”

The window of space that had been relatively static throughout his journey spun and wobbled with disorientating speed. There was no time to think. Hakkai directed him with laser precision and Gojyo’s acted, timing burns and bursts of speed to maneuver his ship away from the asteroids that were hurtling towards him. The spaceship whined and rattled in protest.

“Push it. You need more speed.”

“I’m already pushing it to the max! Any more and I’m going to blow this baby apart.”

“Reroute power from the side thrusters to the pod blasters. You’ll get more speed that way.”

“Are you crazy?! Did you hear the part about blasting apart?!”

“Do it. Jeep can take it. Trust me.”

Sweat beaded on his forehead and the hard knot in his stomach made him want to hurl. Gojyo could feel the ship shuddering around him, the impact of asteroid bodies reverberating through the metal and the control stick he was wrestling with.

In the madness and rush of adrenaline, Hakkai’s voice in his ear was tranquil. A bell that chimed into the void, pure and true. A beacon that promised a way out of this nightmare. Gojyo trusted him.

Gojyo survived.

“How did you know?”

“The calculations on my screen indicated that—”

Gojyo shook his head. “Not that. How did you know where to get more power from. And that it wouldn’t tear the ship to pieces.”

A beat of silence, and then, “I knew. I’m the one who designed him.”

The questions came then, welling up like a spring, beating down like torrential rain. But Gojyo held back the flood and let Hakkai speak.

“It wasn’t just me. My sister was involved too. It was a joint effort.”

Gojyo could hear it then—the smile in Hakkai’s voice, the utmost fondness with which he spoke about her, the shadow that chased his every word and mention of her. It stained everything.

“You know, she wanted to call him Hakuryuu—the White Dragon. I liked Jeep better. She pouted at me for days.” Hakkai laughed.

It was the saddest sound Gojyo had ever heard.

“I owe you a beer.”

“Gojyo, I told you, it’s quite alright—“

“Hakkai, it’s the least I can do. I mean, you saved my life and shit. How about the day I get back to earth, I’ll take you out. My treat.

“Sanzo can come too if it makes you feel better. Though if he’s coming, it’ll be his treat. He’s the one with the corporate card.”

“Gojyo, thank you. You have no idea how much this means to me. But I’m afraid I will have to decline.”

“What? Why man? If you’ve got a girl, she can come too. We can all just go out as friends to celebrate you saving my sorry ass.”

“Ha ha ha.”

“C’mon… What’s holding you back? Are you sick or something?”

“…Something like that.”

“Oh shit. I mean… I’m sorry man. We don’t have to go out if you don’t feel like it. Is it…is it serious?”

“Hmm, the prognosis is quite bleek.”

“Shit. But you can get better right? You’re going for treatment or something?”

“After a fashion.”

“Fuck man, what are you doing sitting behind a desk then? I know you’re dedicated and all that, but if I were you, I’d be out there living, doing whatever—whoever—the fuck I wanted, no fucks given. I’ll take care of your baby for you. I promise to bring her—him—home safely.”

“Ahahaha, I’m sure you will. Or rather, Jeep will take care of you.”

“Hey, that works for me too. So go on. Tell Sanzo you quit. Go live your life man.”

“I wouldn’t know where to go if I left.”

“Don’t you have friends? Family? You could go visit them. Hey, go see your sis! Crash at her place. Maybe introduce us. What do ya say?”

“Ha ha ha, she’s not very good company these days I’m afraid. Quiet. Doesn’t say much.”

“Bet ya I could get her to talk.”

“Ha ha ha. You don’t know my sister. What makes you think you could do that?”

“I got you to open up didn’t I?”

“…”

“Is that a challenge? I like a challenge.”

“You would lose, Gojyo-san.”

“Such negativity! Give me one good reason why I wouldn’t succeed.”

“She’s dead.”

“Well, shit.”

<hr>

Conversation fizzled out, and Hakkai hung up soon after that. Sleep eluded Gojyo, and the next morning found Gojyo huddled by the control panels, impatient for the red numbers in the timepiece to change to the hour when Hakkai would greet him with a ‘Good morning, Gojyo’ as was their custom. Gojyo couldn’t wait.

“Hey, Hakkai. About yesterday, I—”

“Come in, Jovian Exploration and Evaluation Pod, this is the Houtou Space Research Organization. Can you hear me?”

Gojyo paused in shock. He had another week before he was due to dock at the International Space Station where Jeep would be handed off to astronauts from Tenjiku. He had assumed that Hakkai would walk him through the docking process. Or at least be with him right up until the handoff moment. He was supposed to have another week. It was too early.

“Come in, Jovian Exploration and Evaluation Pod. Is Sha Gojyo there?”

If he hadn’t already been suspended weightless, Gojyo would have collapsed as another shock hit him like a sucker punch to the gut. Because he recognized that voice.

“Jien?”

The silence seemed to stretch on forever before the voice on the other end answered, “Gojyo! So it is you! I saw your name on the log but I couldn’t be sure. It’s so good to hear from you! How’re ya doing kid?”

“I’m fine.”

“Whew, you’ve been on quite the adventure! I always knew you’d go far. You’ve gone the furthest that any man ever has! How does it feel—”

“Where’s Hakkai?”

“Uhh…Hakkai?”

“Yeah, the guy who’s been my flight controller for the past three months.”

“Umm…” The sound of papers being shuffled crackled harsh in Gojyo’s ears. “Genjo Sanzo?”

“No, not him. The other guy. The second one. The nice one.” The one who laughed when he should cry. The one who pretended that nothing was wrong when his world was falling apart. The one who smiled when his heart was breaking. Gojyo had never seen Hakkai smile. Didn’t even know what Hakkai looked like. But it didn’t matter. You couldn’t see broken hearts either.

“Hmm, the only person listed here as a flight controller is Genjo Sanzo. Are ya sure—”

“Listen, Jien. It’s not that I’m not happy to see you, or hear you, so to speak, but why are you here? Isn’t this kind of ahead of schedule? Did something happen at Keiun?”

“Oh, yes, about that… I don’t know either. This was all rather sudden. We weren’t expecting you for another week at least. But we got the call yesterday. The big bosses talked and, well, here we are.

“I guess there must have been some emergency over at your base? I got the brief this morning and dialed in as I was instructed.

“This is quite the coincidence isn’t it? I mean, I knew you were on this mission, but there are other flight controllers, and I was already assigned to our guy on the station.

“But hey! Now I get to walk you through the docking procedure, just like I taught you how to drive. Remember that? Man, you were such a punk back then. I hope you fly your ship better than you drive. Especially after the micro asteroid field you guys went through. Man, that was a close call. Your engineers did a good job with the ship. Seems like she’s quite the trooper.”

“He.”

“Sorry?”

“It’s a he… the ship…. Nevermind.”

“Uhh, ok… Oh! Did you hear about the explosion? I mean, it was months ago but…”

Gojyo tuned Jien out. He was glad to hear from him, but the incessant chatter felt jarring, wrong somehow. It was like an itch that he couldn’t scratch, and Gojyo suddenly wished for the vast emptiness of space and the silence of his thoughts.

“…the sentencing is gonna happen really soon. Someone’s gonna go to jail. I mean, it was a catastrophe.”

“Huh? Oh, right. Listen Jien, I’m gonna go. Gotta make sure stuff up here is ship shape when I hand him off to you.”

“Oh, is there anything you need help with? I can pull up the schematics—”

“No. Jeep’s fine. I just have my shit all over the place. I’m gonna start cleaning up. I’ll talk to you later, alright?”

Gojyo hung up before Jien could protest. Gojyo pushed himself towards the fore windows where he could see the Earth and the moon approaching, small blue-green and white orbs that would only grow with each passing day. He was closer to home and other human beings than he had ever been in eighteen long lonely months.

He had never felt more alone.

It was good to hear from Jien. It really was. Gojyo just found that he didn’t have much to say. So Gojyo listened to Jien describe his life in Tenjiku. Their Research Director was a genius, but he sounded like an asshole. Jien talked about the team of people he now worked with. The guy he supported was actual royalty. He talked about him a lot.

“He kind of reminds me of you.”

“Devilishly handsome and a smartass?”

Jien laughed, full throated and hearty. Gojyo’s lips quirked up in a smile.

“Ayy, I won’t deny he looks a bit like you… But no, that’s not what I meant.” Gojyo waited. “You’re both stronger than you look, but more fragile too… I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

“Hey, what happened with mom… It wasn’t your fault.”

“I could have done more.”

“You did enough. Look where we both ended up! Not bad for a couple of orphans they said would never amount to anything.”

“There was no stopping you. Not when you had your heart set on something.”

“You didn’t do so badly yourself. This Kou guy sounds like a real dream to work with…”

“Hey, Gojyo?”

“Yeah?”

“If you have some time off, you can always come visit, you know?”

“Yeah… Maybe I will.”

Docking was easy. Jien walked him through it and Gojyo piloted Jeep into place without a hitch. Just before entering the airlock tunnel, Gojyo paused at the threshold, his bag of meager belongings slung over his shoulder.

“I’ll see you back on earth, buddy.”

Gojyo patted Jeep’s hull and stepped out of the ship.

The guy who greeted Gojyo was shorter than him, with long dark red hair like fire and serious violet eyes. He nodded and floated to the side, allowing Gojyo to enter the station unimpeded.

“Thank you~~” Gojyo said as he moved past him.

The station felt enormous, alien after the familiarity of Jeep’s white walls. Music echoed down the curved corridor, the electric guitar riff a stirring anthem of defiance. Gojyo grinned.

“You Kougaiji?”

“Yes. Are you Dokugakuji’s brother, Sha Gojyo?”

“Yep, that’s me. How long you staying up here?”

“I have three more months before the next astronaut arrives. Someone from the Western Space Coalition. You’re not coming back, are you?”

“Me? Fuck no. I’ve had enough of space to last me a lifetime.”

Gojyo made his way towards the pod that would shuttle him back down to earth.

Jien talked over the com to both of them as Kougaiji helped strap Gojyo into the seat of the pod that would take him back down to earth. When Kougaiji had double checked his harness, Gojyo held out his hand.

“It was nice meeting you, Kougaiji. I know my brother likes to nag, but he’s got your back and he’s looking out you.”

Kougaiji’s eyes widened, the seriousness of his expression lifting to let something softer shine through for the first time. Gojyo smiled.

“Hey, Jien. Take care of Prince-sama here and keep him company. I guess I’ll see both of you again soon.”

Gojyo laughed as Jien spluttered into the com and he kept the grin on his face as he hurtled through the atmosphere. He was going home!

He wondered if he would find anyone waiting for him.

He was looking, for everything he couldn’t see.

He was listening, for something he will never hear.

He’s waiting, for nothing.

The cigarettes were stale. The beer tasted flat. The conversations were trivial, as were the people he chatted up.

Gojyo tried to enjoy himself. He really did. It was his party after all. Or at least, his return and the success of the mission had been used as an excuse for the employees of Keiun Space and Aeronautics Institute to let loose and drink the night away. Gojyo plastered a smile on his face, tried to listen to the chick with the ponytail who was bouncing in front of him as she told him about her six cats.

Gojyo’s eyes scanned the crowd, gaze drifting over the party goers packed in the hall. The attendees weren’t just people from mission control. Engineering, R&D, even corporate administration had been invited, and turnout was high.

A flash of gold caught his eye. Gojyo excused himself from ponytail girl and made his way through the crowd. But by the time he had pushed through the throng of people, Sanzo had disappeared. Gojyo swiped another flute of champagne from the nearest waiter and downed it in one gulp.

“Do you have a last name?”

“Umm, no. Can’t you look him up with just the name I gave you?”

“He’s not in the system of current employees. I could check the archives, but I need a full name for that.”

“Couldn’t you just look again? He works here. I spoke to him barely two weeks ago.”

“I’m sorry, Gojyo. I’ve checked twice and his name doesn’t come up anywhere. I’m sorry…”

“Hey, it’s ok… No, don’t cry. It’s my bad… I must have misheard. I can still come and pick you up at eight? Yeah? Ok… I’ll see you then. Oh, one last favour. Could you please be a dear and give me a list of everyone who worked on the JEEP project…”

No one has seen him.

No one has heard of him.

No one knows.

The list was useless. Even Google failed. He was a ghost. A memory. A dream.

Gojyo refused to believe that.

After a week of hanging around mission control, ignoring the raised eyebrows and curious stares while he tried to catch more than two seconds of Sanzo’s attention, Gojyo had had enough.

He marched into Sanzo’s office armed with newspaper, coffee, and Sanzo’s favourite brand of cigarettes one morning. Sanzo only raised an eyebrow and glowered as Gojyo slammed the offerings on his desk before kicking the door shut and locking it behind him.

“Hakkai? As in Eight Prohibitions? Never heard of him. What kind of idiot would think that’s a real name.”

“Maybe the idiot who was abandoned by his assigned flight controller.”

“Whatever. It’s clearly a pseudonym.”

“You let the guy take over for you. Surely you must know his real name.”

“If you want to know, ask him yourself.”

“And how, pray tell, am I supposed to do that when I don’t know who he is?”

“Not my problem.”

“Seriously?! Maybe I should just go up to every single person in this facility and ask them—”

“Haven’t you done that already? How’s that working out for you.”

Gojyo slumped into his chair, head cradled in his hands. He missed the way Sanzo’s eyes flicked up from scanning the newspaper spread out in front of him, deep purple gaze regarding Gojyo over wireframe glasses.

“At least…tell me that he’s ok?”

“Sorry, I don’t know who you’re talking about.”

“Come on, Sanzo!”

“Look, why are you so fixated on finding him? You should be enjoying your time off. Sailing around the world or whatever. Stop wasting your time.”

“I can use my time however I want. And I’m not fixated, alright? The guy saved my life.”

“He did his job.”

“Is it too much to want to know who he is, so that I can thank him in person?”

“He must really want your thanks if he went through all that trouble of making sure you knew his name.”

“Gods, can’t— Can’t you just tell me? I just want to know that he’s ok. I won’t even try to contact him. I swear on my mother’s grave.”

“…”

“…”

“Maybe, he doesn’t want to be known.”

The day was hot and the sun beat down on him without mercy. His neck and shoulders were already starting to sting. If he wasn’t careful, the skin would burn and peel.

Time for a break anyway.

Gojyo secured the last bit of rigging and reached for his bottle of water, dumping the warming liquid on his head. It was cool against his skin and the water that dripped from his recently shorn hair tickling his bare shoulders.

Gojyo turned and made his way to the shaded part of his deck. The docks were quiet, deserted. Even the gulls were silent, unwilling to waste their energy caterwauling in the stifling heat.

Movement. There was someone walking along the boards, prowling between the luxury yachts moored around him. The figure was tall, of medium build, dressed in a white collared shirt and loose dress pants, walking purposefully between the boats, turning to look at each one of them as he passed. His stride was slow, languid, and his form shimmered in the heat like a mirage.

Gojyo groaned. Another rich bastard shopping for a new toy to impress a new girlfriend or fulfill some empty romantic notion of the sea. It was odd that this one was alone, but Gojyo wasn’t keen on making small talk with anyone who was loaded enough to buy their own yacht for the sole purpose of being able to say they owned it.

The man was heading his way, and sunlight glinted off the man’s glasses as his head turned towards Gojyo. Gojyo cursed, turned his deck chair very pointedly away from the docks and the approaching stranger, and flopped down into it. Gojyo closed his eyes, pulled his bandana over his eyes and reclined, tucking his hands behind his head.

With any luck, rich bastard would get the hint and leave him alone. He really didn’t feel like talking today.

Coolness. A shadow had fallen over him, or the sun had become hidden behind a rogue cloud in the blue cloudless sky. Gojyo opened his eyes and looked up into the face hovering above him. Rich bastard had a pretty face he’d give him that.

“This boat’s not for sale. If ya want to ask about the yacht, you’re outta luck, buddy.”

Bastard smiled. Shit. He had a nice smile too.

“Hard as it may be for you to believe, I don’t want your money.” He was younger than Gojyo had first thought. He looked to be around Gojyo’s age, not yet old enough to find owning his own yacht an attractive way of flaunting his personal wealth. Rich bastard’s son then. “Look, buddy. She’s not for sale and no amount of cash is gonna convince me to take you and your friends’ drunken asses for a joyride.”

The man withdrew, but only to look up and down Gojyo’s boat, like he was thinking about how much his baby was worth so that he could offer it—and maybe some—to Gojyo to tempt him. The nerve of him.

“Hey! I told you, she’s not for sale. Why don’t you take your daddy’s credit card and go fuck off to your own piece of sunshine? You take one step onto her, you touch this boat and I will personally haul you to the police station and report you for private property infringement.”

“What if I had an invitation?”

Gojyo’s protests died in his throat. Because that voice. That voice. He knew that voice.

Gojyo sat up slowly, afraid that if he moved too fast, the image before him would waver, disappear like a illusion, and he would wake up alone to the rocking of his boat and the lonely cry of the seagulls.

“Ha… Hakkai?”

And the smile on the man’s face said it all. The corners of his eyes crinkled, and Gojyo found himself staring at startling green eyes, deep as the lonely sea and just as secretive, just as sad.

“Good morning, Gojyo.”

“I’m sorry, I haven’t been completely honest with you.”

Hakkai told him the whole story. How he and his sister had been engineers. Their experiment had gone wrong. There was an accident, a whole lab had been reduced to rubble. He had been careless, too ambitious, too proud. His sister and a thousand people had died because of him. There was an extensive investigation. Sanzo had been involved, had confronted him about it, and advocated for him at the trial. He let him work at flight control while decisions were made and judgements were deliberated. The sentencing hearing came sooner than expected.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.”

“I tried to find you. I looked for you, asked after you. No one knew who you were. Is Hakkai even your real name?”

“No, I’m sorry. It’s Cho Gonou. Pleased to make your acquaintance.”

Gojyo wasn’t mad. He’s not hurt that Cho Gonou didn’t trust him enough to tell him his name. Gojyo understood abandonment, the feeling when the world has been ripped away from you, when you are left with nothing but yourself, your sins and shortcomings.

Gojyo fought—still fights. It was exhausting. Cho Gonou fought too, and if he needed a respite and had chosen to hide, faceless, behind the name of Hakkai, Gojyo understood.

“So, what are you going to do now?”

The sun hung low on the horizon, warm rays hitting the red sails of Gojyo’s sailboat and bathing them in crimson.

Gonou shrugged, a simple up and down motion. Gonou was smiling, but his eyes looked towards the ocean, lost.

“You can come sailing with me. I could use an extra pair of hands.”

Red captured green. “These?” Gonou held up his hands—smooth, unblemished, beautiful. “I wouldn’t know what to do with them.”

Gojyo grinned. “I’ll walk you through it. It’s not Jeep, but she’s got the same spirit.”

“She?”

“She. Definitely she.”

“Are you sure you want me, Cho Gonou, mass murderer and wanted criminal, at the helm of your beloved boat, manning your rudder?”

“You’re right. I don’t trust Cho Gonou. This invitation is for Hakkai.”

“I think I can manage that.”

THE END

[who-gives-a-fuck-at-this-point]

9am classes: how to start your day with failure!

I woke up at 8:40 literally 10 min too late to make it to class and have my attendance counted, but way too early for a whole day with no scheduled events till evening. Oh and then I tried making a doctors appointment but because by then it was 9:10 they're fully booked for the day and I should try again tomorrow but call at 8. Mornings are hard for so many people especially young people (tho for me it's mostly health related I really can't afford to skimp on sleep for class like my brain is fragile yo lol) but seriously why why why for the love of christ do you schedule things at 9am when 1) Wednesday most people don't have classes so your day is wide open and you could have that class any time and 2) the studio is open untill freaking midnight you could literally do this class at 5pm, 8pm, nice gentle 3:30 perhaps if you've got an evening event to plan. I mean even 10:30 is already far more kind. You gotta be there at 10 30 you probably leave at 10, get up between 8 and 9 like a normal healthy person might do. Maybe do some light excersis to start your day since you have a kind comfortable amount of time. Idk man. I think morning people should never have been allowed to take charge of society and idk how that happened because I really think people who natrually wake up at 7am are vastly outnumbered by people who feel best waking up between 8-11am and waking up any time in that bracket means things should start after 9.

[nanalikessurveys]

Do you plan on having children in the future?

Perhaps, i don’t like to think that far tho How big is your house? My apartment is pretty Small Do you believe that the world will actually end? Yes i do but i don’t want to think about it now Describe your handwriting: I write cursive but like neat cursive not like crazy cursive lol Can you speak any other languages than your first language? English and swedish. Swedish is kinda meh though, i wish i could speak and understand it better If you could speak another, which would it be? French What is one trend you think is stupid? 
I don’t really keep up with trends because none come to my mind Do you ever watch any soap operas? I used to watch that one finnish soap opera but i stopped watching it couple years ago, too much drama lol Do you ever get goodnight or good morning texts from people? Nope

What color are the pants you’re wearing? I have dark green undies, not wearing pants When did you last go to the doctor and what for? Couple months ago for my monthly “check-up” or whatever you call it. it’s because i have medication that needs to be monitored every now and then Are you socially awkward? Yep, it sucks Would you rather watch a comedy movie or horror movie? Horror movie, i usually don’t watch comedy movies Who is your favorite actor/actress? Halle Berry, Penelope Cruz, Matt Damon, Tom Hanks etc. If you could choose one holiday to live over and over, which would it be? Christmas maybe Do you know where your family came from? My dad is from the northern part of Finland, my mom comes from the middle part of Finland If you could choose to be any mythical character, which would you choose? Idk, i don’t really know any great mythical characters

Where are both of your parents right at this moment? Both of them probably at home, at least my mom is Have you ever seen a movie so ridiculous you couldn’t watch the rest? V/H/S lol that movie was SO bad Does it make you angry when people text short messages back? 
Not if i’m not expecting a long answer How old are your siblings? 

26

What is your favorite animal and why? Cats because they are independent, smart and beautiful Do you find yourself on Youtube a lot? Pretty much everyday What was the last thing you scratched? Lol i don’t remember How many people can you fully rely on without fault? 
Two Are you satisfied with your gender? 
Yes Have you ever kept a successful diary before? Yes, i love writing to my diary/journal Which types of make up do you use? Primer, Foundation, concealer, bronzer, blush, highlighter, eyebrow color, eyebrow gel, mascara, lashes aaaand sometimes eyeshadow, eyeliner and lipstick. Lol struggles of being ugly What was the last thing you drank? Apple juice that was way too sweet, never buying that again Are you good at admitting your problems? Sure Have you ever had a hangover? 
No What is something you’re looking for in the next three months? Ummm, i don’t know What time do you normally go to sleep on week days? 11pm to 2am What color are the shoes you’re wearing? 
I’m not wearing any shoes What’s something you normally cannot spell on your own? Lot of english words, when i do these surveys i have always another tab with google in it just to check if i’m spelling them correctly lol Looks or personality? Which is more important to you? 
Personality Do you know any strippers?  No

How many times have you dyed your hair? Plenty What is your biggest fear in life? Outer space is one of them Do you hate when movies are split into two parts? 
Not really What is something that reminds you of your childhood? Some smells weirdly remind me of my childhood Do you think you eat healthy? I try to at least When was the last time you kissed someone? Last year Would you say you’re a good cook? I wouldn’t If so, what is your favorite thing to cook?

When was the last time you took a shower? 
This morning Can you say your alphabet backward or not? Yes, easy If you have a Facebook, how long have you had it? I don’t anymore, i had it for a year or so and then i deleted my account Are you sick quite often or hardly at all? Really rarely If you had to choose, what color is your favorite? 
Pastel blue How many times have you dated the person you’re with now? I’m single Is there anything exciting happening tomorrow? Just gonna meet my mom downtown Are you an organized person? I wouldn’t call myself that Has anyone suspected you of being a different sexuality? I guess lot of people think i’m straight? i haven’t really told many people that i’m bi Do you like chocolate or vanilla cake more? 
Chocolate cake Do you tend to judge people before you get to know them? Not always, but sometimes. i’m a human being we all do that Do you fall asleep at school quite often? 
Never did that When was the last time you had blood drawn? A month ago Does it bother you to have blood drawn or not so much? No i’ve gotten used to it. but sometimes i get a little dizzy What show do you miss coming on television? H2O, lol What color is your toothbrush? Black and gold cos i’m fancy like that Who would you say is your best friend at the moment? I have one friend and she’s my best friend How long have you two been best friends? About 8 years What would you say is one word to describe your personality? Silly Do you have mood swings? Sometimes i guess When was the last time you cried? This week Are you an impatient person? Very Do you ever wish on 11:11 or do you think it’s a sham? No, i don’t really see the point because i don’t believe in any of that Are you the kind of person who has headaches a lot? 
No i rarely get headaches What color are your nails painted right now, if any? Maroon Do you like dressing up for Halloween and other festivities? I don’t Has your cell phone ever rung in class? Yes it has but it was always on silent Do you sometimes think you aren’t as fortunate as others? Sometimes, yes Do you think any of your friends are whores? No i would never call her that but she has done some things some people would consider as that Have you ever tried opening your eyes underwater? No but i’ve tried. I just get really scared and can’t do it How much do you text on your phone, on average? Alot, just alot Do you think you have a good relationship with your parents? Yes, especially with my mom. i have a good relationship with my dad as well but we see eachoter rarely sooo Would you rather have a cat or a dog? 
 Cat Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? Yes, once

Are you better at grammar or math? 
 Grammar Are you a paranoid person? I can be Look out the nearest window. What do you see? Just darkness and some lights Has someone betrayed you lately? No What would you say is your favorite type of flower? I don’t know, i’m not really into flowers. roses are fine Is there anyone who constantly compliments you? No Are you good at expressing your feelings? Hahaha nooo Is there anything you wish you could be doing right now? SLEEPING, i have to wake up early tomorrow and its 30minutes past midnight already What color are your bed sheets? Light blue What are you asking for, for Christmas this year? I don’t know yet When was the last time you went out to eat? Friday Do you normally fall asleep fast or slow? Fast and i love it, i hate just rolling in bed trying to get sleep Does the majority of your wardrobe consist of jeans or sweatpants? Neither, leggings How many times a day do you brush your teeth? 
1 to 2 Do you have a hint of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? Nope Who do you text the most? My best friend What exactly was the last text you sent? I asked her where does these thoughts come from haha Do you ever feel like just laying down and giving up? Yes Have you ever lied about your age? Yes i have, when this creepy older guy once came to hit on me, i told him that i’m fourteen even tho i was eighteen so he could leave me alone. and guess what? he didn’t. he kept asking for my number and then i just jumped on the next bus that came by LOL Lied about your name? 
No