#i will probably like a lot of those way less now but STILL i just crave that bc there was so much potential after that movie

[max1461]

One thing I will say, now that I've had direct experience with my mental meat severely malfunctioning: drugs are broad-spectrum, and personal exercise of... I won't say "virtue", but choice, can be targeted. I'm not saying that drug addicts can just choose not to be addicted or something, I'm not that naive. What I'm saying is: what are the full mental knock-on affects of dampening one's cravings? If opiate addiction is ruining your life this might be the least of your concerns, but if you're conceptualizing these GLP-1 agonists or any putatively similar drugs as some kind of general purpose "self-control booster", this is might be something you want to think about.

I often get a craving-like-feeling to do math, I'll have this moment where I'm like "you know what would be good right now? One of those group theory problems where you have the orders of a bunch subgroups and you have to deduce the order of the group" and then I'll go look for one online or whatever and solve it. This is, in fact, one of my more consistent motivators to do math, and if those cravings were less frequent I would probably know a lot less. A core part of romantic attraction for me is a craving-like-feeling for my partner; not just in a brute sexual sense but in a more abstract one. To have that lessened would be, from my perspective, essentially my capacity for romantic love being dampened along one of its axes. Would I want that?

When I was a kid, I played a lot of video games. Sometimes I'd play for hours a day. And I really cared about the medium; at that point in my life my ambition was to become a video game designer. When I turned about 16, I abruptly lost the immediate-term desire to actually play video games. I still cared about the medium just as much, I still had lots of thoughts on games and game design, but in a moment-to-moment sense actually playing games was no longer something I wanted to do very often. It ceased to be something I desired in a raw hedonistic sense. It was work. I would sit down to play a game because I was interested in it intellectually, but after 20 minutes I'd get burned out and have to stop. This shift probably altered the course of my life in a huge way—it reshaped something fundamentally about who I was and who I was becoming. I still care a lot about games as a medium, and I'm not in any way torn up that I didn't go down the path of trying to become a game designer. But it does disappoint me sometimes that I can't have anything like the relationship to games that I used to, because my brain has decided they aren't "fun" in that purely hedonic sense anymore.

Actually, this was part of a larger shift in my personality that occurred when I was a teenager, in which I became fairly anhedonic in most areas of life, and as a result shifted away from most simplistically pleasurable activities and towards endeavors that provided a more diffuse, harder to quantify form of gratification. Not because I'm virtuous—but because I'm meat, and the simplistic sources of gratification largely stopped working!

What I'm trying to articulate is something like... yeah, you're made of meat, which means in particular: you are made of meat. When you take a drug that alters your meat, there is a sense in which you become somebody else. And this also happens all the time for reasons you don't control. But that doesn't mean it's good or acceptable in the general case. Sometimes, often, it's bad! Or it's good and bad in ways that are hard to tally. The brain is complex, and, like I said, medications are broad-spectrum. They don't differentiate between the neurons that make you crave a burger and the neurons that make you love your wife, they modulate all the neurotransmitters the same. Actually the bodybuilder Mike Israetel specifically says in an interview somewhere that when he's on steroids, he loves his wife less. It's just physiological. And I believe him.

In the past few months I've had to take lamotrigine for seizures. Lamotrigine is also a mood stabilizer. I don't need my mood stabilized, in fact I rather like my usual array of moods. One of the things lamotrigine evidently does is induce a positive bias in processing of faces—response to angry and fearful faces is lessened, while response to happy faces is unaffected. Sounds great, right? But the visceral response to fearful faces is an important component of affective empathy. You don't want to hurt someone, in part it seems, because your brain has a visceral reaction to the real or imagined sight of their face in fear. Scores on the psychopathy checklist correlate with impaired ability to discern fearful faces, but no comparable impaired ability to discern faces displaying positive emotions. If you can't internalize someone else's fear or sadness, you can't empathize. I know that I don't feel like myself on lamotrigine. Now this is not to be taken as at all scientific; I've got a lot of weird brain stuff going on right now and I don't feel like myself anyway. But in any case, lamotrigine is meant to be one of the seizure medications with the fewest cognitive side effects.

You are made of matter, and messing around with the matter that makes you up can change you in unknown and unpredictable ways. Me growing up to become a linguist instead of a game designer, that reflects a really complex and multi-faceted shift in who I am and how I used my time. And it was brought on by all kinds of things, all sorts of personal development over the years, but a load-bearing component was probably the simple down-modulation of an impulse, a loss of simple hedonistic capacity that caused me to search out radically new uses of my time in my teen years. That shift was endogenous, but certainly a drug could have done it. So my point I guess is that no drug is... what word am I looking for, "apolitical"? That's not what I mean. But I'm saying something conceptually similar to what people often mean when they say no technology is apolitical. Except instead of the body politic I'm talking about the body itself, the body and mind. Uh. If you take a drug to "increase your willpower", it might turn out that you become someone you wouldn't have chosen to become, in ways you never even considered. You might be fine with that or you might not. But it's not so simple as taking the person-you-are and turning up a willpower knob, it's never that simple. I think a sort of techno-pessimism towards this notion of a miracle drug is very warranted.

Last week's WITH was about the pursuit of treatments that might do for addiction what GLP-1 agonists do for cravings for food, and the guest had an interesting point about how you can have phenomena with very complex causes (the main examples here being opiate addiction and the general rise in obesity) that do not require you to untangle or address those causes in order to procure solutions. Like, is addiction a disease, a social ill, a product of trauma, a failure of willpower, or all of these things?

It doesn't necessarily matter! It turns out that "craving stuff" is a pretty basic neurological feedback loop and it may be tractable to pharmaceutical intervention. Heck, GLP-1 agonists may be that intervention: people have reported (and clinical trials are being conducted to study) that these drugs, among their many effects, simply blunt cravings, to the point where people have as a side effect of taking them for diabetes or weight loss also found they helped cut down on drinking, or gambling, or using other drugs.

So even if GLP-1 agonists don't have all the miraculous effects reported (there are some reports they may be effective as an Alzheimer's treatment!), it would be crazy if we have discovered a drug that allows us to better marshal our faculties to decide which cravings to give in to, a drug that simply imbues us with self-control. And I think that's really interesting, because it's an outright clash between two ways of seeing the world: a moralistic one in which virtues are the product of individual decisions, and in which taking a drug to achieve some outcome that "ought" to be a product of virtue might be seen as cheating, and one that reminds us that, for better or worse, we are meat, and all our complex behaviors arise as the result of the state of the meat that we are--and from which view, refusing to acknowledge the mutability of your meat in aid of achieving your goals, or even broader social benefit (addiction is really bad and there very few good options to treat it), is simply goofy.

But a lot of people's reaction to the existence of GLP-1 agonists--or for that matter any medical intervention for things which are moralized as willpower problems--includes contempt founded on being wedded to that moralizing framework. I think a lot of moralism develops as a response to conditions of existence being imposed on us that are objectively pretty miserable, and that when we discover the occasional intervention that liberates us from that pretty restrictive framework, our attitude should be one of jubilation: hear, O ye people, that what was long believed to be an implacable trade-off of human existence is no more. But I think a lot of people's reaction is to double down: I had to suffer, or someone I know had to suffer, therefore you ought to suffer as well, or else our suffering has no meaning.

[ros-sauce]

Oughg my god Speaking of Mizuki Regularly Getting The Trans Flag Glued To Her Forehead. Today I am thinking about Solitus Utopia. Big yap session ahead

In terms of cards, it's probably The bluntest example of aforementioned trans flag forehead gluing; pink, blue, and white take center stage. And ouughhh. OUGHHGH. The placement of those colors is making me absolutely crazy

Her outfit has a similar deal to her first casual outfit. Lot of blue and white happening with the clothes, and then her hair and eyes are the pink needed to complete the set. To me, what that says is "This character is a walking trans flag, and she herself is the pink. The Girl Color. The girl!"

I've always felt that pink being the only one of those three colors to be Attached To Her was significant, but it's only now that I'm realizing that the clothing has significance too... I'm feeling two meanings from it:

It signifies the importance of cute clothing in Mizuki's transition. Being as cutesy as possible and altering her silhouette are some of her main tools in the way of passing as cis. (The former being a source of joy and the latter being a dysphoria alleviator also deserve mentioning!!). Her clothes complete the trans flag that her Girl Color Hair started; her clothes build up the road she took on the journey that her Girl Color Very Being started. ... And on a less positive note, I think there is also some significance to the fact that the trans flag color palette is only all there when something is Applied To Her. Without her outfit, she's just Girl Color. When the outfit is put on her, the Girl Color is made to be a part of something else, The Trans Colors. Your first thought is no longer "That's a girl and she happens to be Girl Color. Neat!", but "That's a trans girl and she happens to be Trans Colors. Neat!". I feel like there are parallels between that and how much she hates being labelled Different. This is crude, but it's how the words want to come out of my mouth. Sorry: Because Society Says So, you don't need to wear clothes at home, but you do in public. Because Society Says So, Mizuki can exist as Just A Girl when she's at home. She can be Just Pink. "Her home" means two things here. Firstly, Literally Her House, with Yuuki "Ally 9000" Akiyama & her supportive-enough-I-guess parents being the only people who she interacts with. To them, she's just a girl, and they're not weird about it. They know she's trans, but they don't act any particular way because of that. Her other home is Nightcord, at least before Niigo started meeting up in person. As Amia, she was assumed to be a cis girl, and there was no risk (in their pre-mainstory days) of Niigo ever finding out otherwise. While being presumed cis isn't quite as close to "Girl With No Modifiers" as living with an unfathomably based family, it still didn't carry the Othering that she's used to accompanying her status as a trans girl. If she wants to exit her home, she has to put on the clothes, has to put on the label that is made when the color palette is completed, and go from "Girl" to "Girl And By The Way Did You Know She's Trans?". And that makes everyone and their mother feel like it's fine to treat her weird. The pitying and resentment that she fears so much at best, and "HEY DID YOU KNOW SHE'S NOT NORMAL? ISN'T THAT WEIRD? AGREE WITH ME NOW OR YOU'RE WEIRD TOO" to anyone who'll listen at worst. With a million billion other forms of othering in between. (Hm. Suddenly I'm thinking about blue's absence from her 3rd anni casual outfit. She's no longer a walking trans flag, and is way pinker than before. Because it's a marketable game with marketable characters, we always had good reason to expect Niigo to be normal about her when the secret came out. But still, I feel like having Even More Girl Color glued to her forehead in Trans Palette's place could be considered some kind of foreshadowing for Niigo being normal... BUT ANYWAY this is not a post about the most incredible pants this world has ever seen, this is a post about Solitus Utopia, so I'll get back to that now.)

With the clothing out of the way, I'd like to move on to the rest of the card. This card is from late 2022, when Mizuki's transness was not quite as obvious ("a few inches away" levels of in-your-face as opposed to the more "you are a school principal at a fundraiser and her transness is a cream pie" level we are at now). This makes me extra ready to take this card as an unspoken "To be clear yes she is a trans girl".

The background walls and furniture are largely blue, and the decor is largely pink and white (and purple. Hi, Niigo!). The former is something that's hard to alter or move or acquire more of, whereas it's pretty easy with the latter. If you have walls or furniture that you hate, you can make it look more palatable by decorating it with things you like, with relative ease. Mizuki did that! The background is covered in all manner of fashion-related pink things, and the pink sewing machine and other supplies carry the implication that she made them herself. They do a great job carrying out their purpose, popping so much in comparison to the blue walls that said walls appear more grey than anything else. And also, you don't really feel like looking at the walls, because all that decor makes them Not Really A Point Of Interest.

To me, that sounds a whole lot like transitioning. There's an unfortunate status that's pretty hard to get rid of, both legally and socially, because Government and People just love to obsess over what you were assigned at birth. But changing the way you appear helps make things more bearable for you, both because you're happier looking a certain way, and because the public is slightly less awful to you when you look a certain way.

Cycling back to the "you focus on the pink things more than anything" point, I feel like the most significant pink thing is Mizuki herself. And I think that is also very nice!! Her pinkness is at the very center of the card. It is the heart of the card! Pink!! Girl color!! Heart!! Mizuki's heart is girl color!! Woah!!

(Obligatory "I do not speak Japanese and I do not live there, so I could be wrong", but I think "I was born with an [insert gender] body, but my heart is [insert other gender]" is a fairly popular way of describing being transgender in Japan? I feel like that phrasing has been losing popularity in English, but I still hear it fairly often in Japanese LGBT+ circles on social media and stuff. If I'm right, then that adds a few more significance points to the Pink Center Of Card thing)

Neat card. I love this pink girl a lot

[totallyjustabunchofhocuspocus]

Fic: Untitled Firefly/Serenity!AU pt 2

I dunno, have some more of Browncoat!Tommy and AllianceExperiment!Buck

Continued from this

For the curious, in my head the cast of characters (not going for exactly one-to-one character swaps, more like vibes) are:

Tommy/Mal, Buck/River, Maddie/Simon, Chim/Kaylee, Bobby/Shepherd Book, Athena/Zoe, Eddie/Jayne, Hen/Wash, Karen/Inara

I am now obviously planning to do more with this (fml), but still if anyone wants to play in the sandbox, feel free. It's a pretty shiny sandbox.

Protein blocks were good for exactly one thing and one thing only: making you not die of malnutrition. Food made from protein blocks (especially the brand that was in their budget) did not taste good. It did not have a pleasing texture. It did not smell appetizing. For a long time, sitting down to meals on Harbor served the singular purpose of allowing you to get up from the table no longer hungry.

And then Bobby Nash had joined the crew. 

Tommy was not a fool. The Shepherd, kind and steady as he was, knew entirely too much about Alliance security procedures and was entirely too good with weapons to have been a man of God all his life. There was a past there, and probably a darker story than Bobby wanted to admit. So far, though, that past had not come knocking on Harbor’s entry hatch, and he made Athena, Tommy’s second-in-command and one of the few people left he cared to claim as family, happier than Tommy had ever seen her. Tommy was willing to overlook a lot of potential problems if the Shepherd kept that easy smile on Athena’s face. Besides. 

The man was a fucking miracle worker in the galley. 

Tommy had no idea how Bobby managed to do the things he did with just some spices and a handful of pots and pans, but the things he dished up for Harbor’s crew was the best eating Tommy had had since he was still hiding behind his Mama’s skirts. 

He would overlook a lot of potential problems for how happy the Shepherd made Athena. 

He would strap on his sidepiece and go to fucking war against those problems for the man’s pancakes. 

He dished himself up a stack of three of said pancakes, fluffy and golden the way food made from protein blocks had no right to be, and turned to grab the jug of decidedly less tasty–but still better than it ought to be–synthetic syrup. 

Only to jump in surprise when he found Hen and Karen–his pilot and her esteemed wife–standing less than a foot away from him, matching looks of scrutiny and no small amount of suspicion on their faces. 

“So,” Hen said without preamble, tilting her head and narrowing her eyes at him. “Where you going with this?” 

He glanced between the two women, suddenly feeling cornered on his own damn ship. “Uh, to the table. So I can eat it?”

Karen arched an eyebrow, regal as any queen in the scarlet and gold-trimmed dress of the Scholars’ Guild. He didn’t know Karen well…her work with the Guild took her all over the galaxy for months at a time, and it wouldn’t do for a woman of her rank in the Guild to be seen too often with a ship crewed by several people who were ‘wanted for questioning’ in a myriad of investigations. Now that their son Denny was safely enrolled in one of the Scholars’ Guild’s planetary academies, though, she was becoming a more frequent guest on Harbor. 

“We mean, where are you going with Buck?” she said bluntly. 

The ‘Buck’ thing was new. And a good sign, according to Bobby…that Evan felt comfortable enough around them to start expressing his preferences (in healthier ways than the sometimes-violent outbursts that had been the norm when he first came aboard) and explore his identity in new ways. Tommy would be lying, though, if he said he wasn’t secretly pleased when Evan told him he preferred it when Tommy called him by his given name. According to Evan, it was never ‘sharp’ when Tommy said it. 

“Oh. He’s not having any pancakes. The chemical structure interacts with the molecular bonds on the plates and makes them too crunchy apparently.” 

He shrugged in a what-can-you-do way, used to Evan’s random quirks about things on the ship. Last week he’d refused to drink the water out of the dispensers for three days because one of the new filters they’d bought on their last supply run made it taste like peach schnapps. No one else could taste it (to Tommy and Eddie’s disappointment) and Maddie insisted Evan had never had peach schnapps, but Evan had been adamant. 

Karen looked distinctly unimpressed. 

“Are we still talking about pancakes?” he asked innocently.

“We’re talking about your intentions,” Hen said, her voice grave and serious.

“Are they…honorable?” Karen added. 

“I’ve got a medal hanging up in my bunk,” he replied indignantly. 

“You stole that off that freight pilot that tried to stiff us on the Io run,” Athena said suddenly, appearing from the corridor and not even bothering to pretend she had not been eavesdropping as she made a beeline for the coffee pot. 

“Whose side are you on?” he snapped, before turning back to Hen and Karen. He found them just staring at him, clearly unwilling to get out of his way. He sighed. “We are taking it very slow. In fact, I’m letting him set the pace. And I’m just trying to keep up.”

Hen finally cracked a smile at that, and Tommy felt a little of the tension that had been creeping into his shoulders dissipate. He and Evan had not been obvious about…whatever it was they were doing. Talking, mostly, late into the night on nights when neither of them could sleep. But Harbor was not a large ship and his crew were some of the nosiest assholes he’d ever met. 

“Look, I get it. I’m being careful with him. But he’s a grown man, not a child. He knows his own mind. Weird as some of the shit that comes out of it can be.” His lips quirked into an amused smirk. “Besides, we all know Maddie’ll shoot me in the balls if she thinks I’m taking advantage.”

Hen and Karen exchanged a loaded look, but then Hen wound her arm around her wife’s waist. “Be careful with yourself, too. Buck doesn’t always realize he’s accelerating too fast. Captain.” 

With that, she and Karen stepped neatly around him, heading for the counter and the tray of pancakes. Tommy shook his head, before changing course and heading up the corridor that led to the helm, shoveling pancakes into his mouth as he went. The bridge was mostly quiet when he arrived, Eddie seated at Hen’s usual station, and Evan examining a set of readouts from the comms intently. 

“Okay, look, just because something is mathematically possible,” Eddie was saying as Tommy entered the bridge, “doesn’t mean it’s practical. How would you even get it into the hold?” 

Evan made a dismissive gesture. “Physics,” he said, like the answer to whatever they were arguing was obvious. To him, it probably was. Eddie snorted fondly. 

“Right. Physics. I’d pay money to see you try.”

Tommy stabbed the last of his breakfast with his fork. “Do I want to know what you’re planning to do with my ship?” he asked. Evan swiveled in his seat to look up at him with a wide, pleased smile that sent a shivery burst of warmth through Tommy’s chest. 

“Probably not,” Eddie said, standing up from the pilot’s station and stretching until his back cracked. “Bobby make pancakes?” 

Evan wrinkled his nose in disgust and then turned back to the readouts, muttering to himself in a way that Tommy had come to know meant there was an idea percolating in his head that was either genius, insanity, or some unholy combination of both. 

“If you hurry, you can probably snag some before Chim eats them all,” Tommy said, to which Eddie tipped him a mock salute.

“Better go. You’ll need your energy,” Evan said. 

“Right,” Eddie shrugged, holding out a hand for Tommy’s empty plate to take back to the galley, which Tommy handed over gratefully. He headed down the corridor Tommy had just exited, whistling to himself.

“Anything interesting on the comms?” Tommy asked, taking the pilot’s station Eddie had just vacated. 

Evan shook his head. “It’s already ghosts and echoes. But some of the voices are still real. We should help.” 

Tommy frowned. “Help? Help who?”

As if in answer, the comm station suddenly pinged, the whole console lighting up red with an urgent distress signal. 

[howi99]

Circus Light chapter 6

(skip in time, around 7 months before the event of book of circus)

"I'm sorry..."

"Hey wait, stop, STOP, PLEASE! Pyrrha don't do this!"

"..."

Jaune: *sitting up in a panic* SHE'S GONNA- *realising it was just a nightmare, as the cart he was sleeping in still continued along the way to the next town* A dream... *Sigh, wiping the sweat from his forehead* Just a stupid dream, again...

Dagger: *looking back at him* We're almost there, mate. The road is bumpy, sorry to have woken ya.

Jaune: *sitting up, looking back at him* It's fine, i was going to wake up anyway, with the kind of nightmare i was having.

Dagger: *worried* Again? Shine, you've been having nightmares since we left Manchester and it's already been what, 5 months?

Jaune: *sigh* I guess leaving before being able to find those kids is hitting me a lot harder than it should, huh?

Dagger: *sad smile* You're still upset about that, eh? Can't blame ya... At least, those disparitions seem to have stopped, right?

Jaune: Maybe for now, but that might not last. *Get up, walking up to the front of the cart* But i guess it can't be helped. *Take a seat next to Dagger* So, what's the next town name again?

Dagger: Colchester, the oldest city of England built by Rome... or so they say.

Jaune: What was it with you british using -chester at the end of every town and city name?

Dagger: *laughing* Your guess is as good as mine.

Jumbo: *Who is sitting at the back of the cart* It means camp... or fortress.

Jaune: Ah... So what would that make the next town?

Jumbo: Since it was named after the river... Probably the Fortress of Colne.

Jaune: Huh, nice. *Looking up, seeing clouds gathering over them* Do we have anything else besides rain and mist?

Dagger: *shrug* Snow and hail.

Jaune: *chuckle* Don't remind me that! I had to share a room with both Snake and Fr- i mean Doll. *Sigh* I'm fine with reptiles, but it's something else to wake up with a danger noodle inside my shirt.

Dagger: *disgusted* Urgh, i would have died of fright far before that happened! I don't understand how both you and her can be fine with these things. They don't even have legs!

_ _ _

After making camp near the city

Jaune: *sitting in the medical tent* There's only been minor cuts and scratches today. *Sigh* If only it was as easy every time.

Doctor: *looking worried*

Jaune: Doc, is everything fine?

Doctor: *nervous* Y-yes, but we are quite low on porcelain.

Jaune: Oh yeah, your "special brand", right? *Shaking his head* I don't understand why you keep using that instead of metal. It would be more durable, even if a bit less comfortable.

Doctor: *glaring at Jaune's back* I can't have more because of you.

Jaune: What?

Doctor: *sigh* Nothing...

Jaune: *scratching the back of his head* I know you want the best prosthetic there is. Why don't you use material like plastic, rubber and all that?

Doctor: It wouldn't be as beautiful, and not as solid either.

Jaune: *shrug* Make the "skeleton" with iron and the finer details using those materials. Heck, if you incorporated rubber to Joker's hand, he could have a better grip for juggling.

Doctor: ... *Sigh* I'll think about it.

[tarnished-butsogrand]

Giving Niall & Harry the benefit of the doubt I think it’s probably a really weird thing to navigate everyone sending you condolences because you were so publicly linked together when in reality they were not very close and hadn’t been for a long time. I think it’s telling that they both included condolences to Liam’s family in their posts while Zayn & Louis didn’t (not saying they didn’t send them condolences privately but specifically in their posts). Usually only the people closest to the person who has passed don’t include condolences and paired with the overall tone & content I think it’s a good indicator that they don’t see themselves in that immediate circle and they don't want to give off the impression that they are. 

But I also think their posts have a lot to do with them as people removed from their relationship with Liam. Obviously we don’t actually know but you couldn’t convince me that Liam was in contact with Zayn more than Niall but Zayn is less afraid of speaking his mind. There’s a reason Niall is able to “avoid drama” and why they used to call him a fence-sitter in the band, it’s not difficult to seem unproblematic if you avoid anything controversial at all and within the last couple years Liam became one of those controversial things he ignored. Part of me doesn’t fault him for that because he always tries to protect his personal peace and his brand, it’s not something he exclusively did to Liam but it’s still disappointing he didn’t make an exception for him. Maybe I’m being too generous but I think he probably regrets that, especially knowing how awful his fans were to him in his last days. I think Harry also probably feels that regret and guilt to some extent too which would also explain the surface level statements because their true feelings are much more complex and imo would frame them in a more negative light if they were honest. This is all just speculation but some part of them probably wants to avoid making it seem like they were still super close and avoid accepting all those condolences due to the guilt of knowing that they weren’t actually there for him when he needed it. 

That being said they definitely could’ve ignored their relationship post 1D completely and just talked about what he meant to the band, especially knowing how much people were trying to erase his importance, knowing that ALL the members reiterated how important he was would’ve meant a lot but they didn’t do that for him and that hurts.  

I understand what you’re saying about them just not posting anything but honestly I think it was better for them to just do it even if it was surface level because otherwise it would’ve just turned into “why aren’t they posting?” even worse than it did when Niall’s was delayed a bit. It would’ve just pulled focus away from Liam even more so I’m personally glad they at least put something out. Even if we understand that people are not owed a public display of grief that’s certainly not the overall consensus of the general public (which is crazy on it's own). I don’t doubt that they felt pressured to put out statements but unfortunately that’s the world we’re living in and I think it probably would’ve been worse in the long run if they hadn’t put out anything at all. 

I do think it's important to note that in the same way we have now been able to process things differently with time (I have felt a million different ways about their posts/treatment of Liam in general the past few months with varying degrees of anger) it's likely they also feel differently about things after having time to process. Regardless of their relationship with him or how good/bad of friends they were knowing that millions of people are going to read your statement and scrutinize it after only a day of finding out the news, at which point most people are still in shock, is a lot of pressure. I can some what understand taking the easy way out and posting something less personal and more manufactured under those circumstances. Maybe they would change what they wrote, maybe they wouldn't we don't know.

I think ultimately it’s just so disappointing that Liam showed up for everyone time and time again but only some chose to return the favor both when he was alive and after. 

(Sorry this is so long and if you're over talking about this don't feel the need to respond, I completely understand)

I think you are being incredibly generous and kind with your evaluation of Niall and Harry's actions. Even if I deem Liam to be so controversial that it would be career suicide to be seen with him, I still cannot understand or comprehend leaving him to struggle when he clearly needed help, support and understanding. Of course, at the end of the day, it was Liam's responsibility alone to stop himself from going down the path again, and I don't claim to know how difficult struggling with addiction is, but any kind of support must have helped. Even putting their own rabid fans off of his scent would have helped. I don't think anyone expected either of them to write out essays in his support but even a word, a like, a repost. But I get it. Their brand and image is paramount, right?

Imagine having friends that stop talking to you because you are not as popular or you've not sold as many records. When Liam said the industry was scary this must have been a part of that surely. I think it's easy being friends with someone who's doing alright, but the moment comes and they're having a bad time and you just... Leave them? Stop acknowledging them? It's like the previous years of history meant nothing. I cannot imagine what it must have been like for Liam.

Liam was called out for being a lot of things, cringe, a loser, and what not. But he was never unkind? He reached out to everyone going through a tough time and when he needed help, he found no one to do it for him. Except Louis. And I am sorry but I don't think the lack of support from Niall and Harry was just disappointing. And I understand they needed to protect their personal brand and their mental peace, but I just cannot get behind or support people like that. I think that's a horrible thing to do to someone who you used to know. I think it's like slowly becoming a part of the machinery that you detested but since it cannot hurt you anymore, you embrace the system. Especially when you have made your own personal brand about treating people with kindness. Who decides who deserves this kindness then?

I hope they do feel regret. I know it sounds horrible but I hope they feel regret every single day of their lives that they took back their support from a person who needed it the most. Every single day, we hear so many stories of so many people helping each other, random acts of kindness that warm our hearts. I think of the many random strangers even Niall and Harry must have helped, but they couldn't speak one word of support for someone who used to be their friend. At least someone they used to pretend to be friends with when the act brought in the big bucks.

As for Zayn, maybe he didn't speak to Liam any more than Niall did. But to judge him by the same parameters, is kind of unfair? He left the band back in 2015, and not on great terms. Niall continued to be friends with Liam, publicly up until what? 2019? 2020? Liam hadn't talked of Zayn favourably in that Logan Paul interview, and damn right he's outspoken but he didn't say a word against him in public? (Not even for him, admittedly.) Zayn didn't make it sound like he didn't have any differences of opinion, what he wrote of in his post was of a friendship, imperfect at times but still remarkable enough, even after nine years of insignificant contact, to move him deeply. I am sorry if I am reading too much into Louis and Zayn's posts but that's all the proof I have that Liam was loved and cherished and had friends that probably looked at him with the same compassion and empathy that I will always have for him. They didn't need to be so personal, and I would have understood a short, curt message from both of them, for different reasons. I didn't know how much I needed to read what they had written until after I had read their posts and was sobbing uncontrollably.

As for the statements, maybe it is better they posted something rather than nothing at all. Maybe they did feel pressured. Maybe they will look back on that time and their feelings will change, yes, none of that's for sure. Personally, I don't think pulling the focus away from Liam was their priority when they posted. Louis and Zayn honoured a friend. Niall and Harry spoke about a colleague. I also think, in my personal opinion, the guest list shouldn't have included a lot of people who were present that day. Including Niall and Harry. I don't think they cared to know him well enough to attend. I mean if you feel weird being offered condolences for someone, knowing you didn't know them well enough to be considered a friend, then you probably shouldn't be attending their funeral? But then again, I know nothing and am no one to them and my opinion means nothing but that's how I feel about them personally.

I am sorry if I sound too harsh, or mean. Forgive me. I cannot find it in myself to be magnanimous. Not anymore. You are kind and generous towards all of them and I appreciate that, but I cannot join you.

[something-tofightfor]

First: THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS. I already told you this last night over text but it means so much that you took the time to create this for me - and give me such a warm and cuddly and perfect birthday gift in Frankie Morales and his Broad Ass Shoulders. You're the best.

Birthday office celebrations are always really awkward - but this one actually seemed very laid back and thoughtful. It's especially nice to be appreciated and celebrated after only a couple weeks of getting to know people, so I'm sure Reader feels a lot better about the new position and her new coworkers after this. (her coworkers sound great; I would love to meet them) And cupcakes are always a mood-improver, so good on them for bringing those in.

Spending a January birthday in Florida sounds wonderful right now (especially with these -25 windchills right now) but it's understandable that she's feeling homesick for her first major holiday away from her old life.

Kevin sounds like he sucks, so good riddance. And the City Planning guy also sounds awful, so at least there's a backup person on the phone call to make it less terrible.

Gloria seems like a lot of fun, and I feel like this is the perfect way to jump into an out of office friendship - especially if the night goes well. (And with Benny and the others involved, I'm certain it will.)

But feeling left out of an already established friend group's outing is a real fear, and even though there's no pressure ... it's still a lot. Enter Francisco.

He's so ... Frankie in this first paragraph it hurts. The hair and the hat and the "I'm not trying to impress anyone" attitude (even though he'd be impressive even if he showed up unshowered and rumpled and with 10 days facial hair growth) are so spot on - as is the banter between him and Pope and Yova.

43, hmm? OK. I can work with that. It sounds like a lot of things are going well and going right for him, and that makes me happy. They've all had a rough go after South America, so to have everything starting to fall into place has to be a relief. (I'd say RIP Tom, but ...) It's interesting to me that he immediately sees Reader - even though he's not looking for anyone or anything. And it's even more interesting that his first reaction is "I want to know her" - because that's at odds with what he's just told himself in the truck and on the walk into the bar.

Will and Frankie going back and forth makes me so happy. In fact, all of them together makes me smile, because ... listen, let me be real: their group dynamic without Tom is so much better.

Annnnnnnd it takes him all of about fifteen seconds after he sits to ask about Reader. Subtle, Frankie. Real subtle. And Gloria knows what's up, feeding him just the right amount of information and upping the interest. Perfect. Gold star.

His curiosity is really nice, too; like "why did this woman not have birthday plans? that's odd." being his first thought is very telling.

Reader's also not being too subtle about her attraction to him, and I like that. I like that it tells them both where they stand, and gives them a starting point - for whenever they actually speak for the first time. (Also, Yovanna I want to know what you said, too. Probably something like "see? He's staring right back.")

Selective hearing would probably come in handy around these guys at times.

Pope with the hockey tickets and Yovanna immediately humbling him made me laugh out loud. And here we go.

Him standing to introduce himself- yes. Him immediately telling her to call him Frankie - YES. Him getting her a chair... HELL YES.

He is handsome. So damn handsome. This is a good start.

This first hour and half is really telling; she inserts herself into the core group, she follows along with the conversation, and she keeps his attention, even when it's interrupted. That's got to make her feel so good about herself (it sure made me smile while reading it). And him wanting to know more, deepening the conversation more than just bare bones talk over beers dwslikfjslfklkalf fuck he's perfect. This is supposed to be his birthday celebration, and he's focusing on someone else. I love it.

Him giving her restaurant suggestions feels really right too. But I'm very distracted by that shirt and those shoulders and the man himself and I just ... Yes, Yovanna and Gloria. You were right but you don't need to gloat.

I can hear Yovanna's "I told you" in my head, and love that she immediately reassures Reader that Frankie isn't just a hookup type of guy - and that his interest is genuine. (Yovanna and Pope are sickeningly cute but I love it). And it's clear that Reader gets along with the group, so I doubt that Yovanna would be encouraging her to go for it if she thought it would end in disaster.

The hand - chair - shoulder move .... fuck. Fuck him he's slick. It's the perfect way to show definite interest without being overbearing, and if it's not reciprocated? It's just a casual gesture that he could have done to anyone at the table.

If he looked at me like that or his eyes dropped or his breath caught I'd be done for right then and there. Just kiss me in front of all of these people, Frankie, I do not care.

LATE NIGHT SUSHI DATE WITH FRANKIE MORALES?!!??!? SIGN ME THE FUCK UP.

They're matching each other's energy here, and it works really well. One upping each other with the invites and interest is a surefire way to keep things moving forward - and even though it's a surprising turn of events, it's a welcome one.

He is BOLD - but I really appreciate that he tells her exactly how he sees (and wants) the night to go. He can kiss frosting off of me any goddamn time he wants to. Him giving her his full and undivided attention while talking about how the bar-time part of the night is over would make me MELT. Fuck.

And I like that since Benny picked her up, Frankie's taking her home - which gives them more time to talk and more time to flirt and more time to get to know each other between the bar and the sushi - and then after. I hope they stay up all night talking (and doing other things). I hope that they find out that they have a lot in common. I hope that they continue to date and that they all become friends and Frankie's confidence continues to grow and Reader realizes that moving to Florida was a good decision.

This was such a treat, Alyssa. You always characterize everyone perfectly IMO, and it's so fun to read and see what you do with these characters and situations. Frankie is one of my absolute favorites and I loved everything about this. He was the perfect way to warm up on a frigid night - and the IDEAL birthday gift. You're the best and I am so lucky to know you.

Unbirthday

A/N: Although I am now two entire weeks late (I am the actual worst) this was written as a birthday gift for @something-tofightfor, because she is the fucking best and I love her guts. Rachael, I hope you enjoy this silly little story. Since Frankie Morales is apparently a "fictional character" and isn't "real" I couldn't wrap him up and send him to you, so this was the best I could do. Sorry it became an unbirthday gift - but it sort of works with the story that way. Anywho, here's hoping that this trip around the sun is a GOOD one!

And if it's your unbirthday today, happy unbirthday to you, too!

Word Count: 6.2k

Warnings: alcohol, and Frankie's shoulders and back making a shirt work very hard.

Summary: Spending your birthday in a brand new city goes from zero to sixty thanks to a co-worker who is determined to become a friend... and thanks to the breathtakingly handsome guy she introduces you to.

You had only been at your new job for a few weeks when your birthday rolled around, so when you walked into your office and flicked the lights on that morning, you were shocked to find a balloon tied to your chair and a white bakery box holding an assortment of cupcakes atop your desk. 

What? Who did th-

“Surprise!” 

You spun around to see a handful of your co-workers gathered in the doorway behind you, bright smiles on their faces as they wished you a happy birthday. 

“Oh, shit!” You let out a laugh as your hand came up to cover your mouth, prompting more laughs from the others. 

This is so nice, I wasn’t... Despite the fact that on your very first day at the firm, the office had been celebrating someone else’s birthday, you hadn’t expected anything for yours. Because I’m still brand new here, they hardly know me. You got along well almost immediately with the people you worked with, which was fantastic. Still, the fact that they embraced you quickly enough that they would want to do something for your birthday came as a genuine surprise that gave you a small rush of warmth. 

Not that you needed it. January in Tampa was certainly not January in the midwest. You hadn’t felt a chill since you took the transfer, a fact that you made sure to text your shivering friends back home every few days. But even though it was a balmy 68°F and you were wearing short sleeves under your light sweater, the added warmth of your colleagues’ kindness was more than welcome.  

Dropping your hand, you beamed at the group which had grown by two more associates from the interior architecture department down the hall, Mel and Casey. “Thank you all so much! You guys really didn’t have to do anything at all. I-” 

“Oh, stuff it, of course we did!” Gloria, whose office shared a glass partition with yours and with whom you traded exaggerated expressions while on client calls, stepped forward and threw her arms around you. “You’re the best transfer this office has ever had, we lucked out when we got you! Of course we’re going to celebrate your birthday.” 

You chuckled, giving her a quick, loose hug in return. “Gloria, did you do this? Also, weren’t you a transfer from the New York office?” 

“I was. Like I said,” she released you and stepped back, grinning. “You’re the best transfer we’ve had. Happy birthday, Ohio.” 

The rest of the group called out individual well-wishes before filing back to their own offices and cubicles, leaving just you and Gloria.

“Thank you,” you said again, reaching out to quickly squeeze her arm. “It really means a lot to me.” You sighed, finally putting down your bag and shrugging off your sweater. “I’ve been loving living down here, but the past few days, I don’t know, I guess I’ve been a little homesick. I don’t usually do a ton for my birthday, but this is the first one where I won’t see any of my family or my friends from back home so…” You gestured to the bakery box sitting next to your keyboard. “This was just really nice of you.” 

“You’re welcome.” She scrunched her nose. “Thanks for being ten thousand times better to work with than that dipshit you replaced, Kevin.” 

You snorted. Though you��d never had the displeasure of meeting the notorious Kevin, you’d heard enough about him to know that his presence in the office was definitely not missed. “No problem, though from what I understand it’s a very low bar.” 

“Which you leap over with the ease and grace of a…” She circled her hand through the air. “A… Oh, I don’t know, whatever the hell leaps gracefully. I’m a landscape architect, not a poet.” 

That made you laugh again. “Speaking of which,” you pointed at your computer screen. “Are you ready for that conference call with the city planner? J.R. approved our designs, so-” 

“Yeah, yeah,” she cut you off, nodding. “All set. Designs for the new park. Not looking forward to dealing with Sweetheart McGee, but-” You rolled your eyes as she used the nickname you’d given to one of the men you’d been working with from the city planner’s office who called the to of you “sweetheart” every time you’d spoken to him. “But it should be a smooth call. More importantly, though-” 

You had a sneaking suspicion that whatever was coming next wasn’t, in fact, more important than the biggest project that the landscape department had in house at the moment. Gloria had a tendency to use the phrase “More importantly, though…” to segue into a conversation about whether or not you wanted to get coffee delivered or which shoes you thought she should wear to her cousin’s wedding or if you thought Greg from IT was cute or not because she could totally set you up with him if you did.

And you were proven right as she finished her sentence. 

“Do you have plans tonight?” 

Shrugging, you shook your head. “Nah. I’ll probably just order in and finally finish unpacking the last of my stuff from the move. There’s a sushi place around the corner from me that I’ve been meaning to try, so… Why are you looking at me like that?” 

The way she was looking at you was a mix of the way you might look at the last puppy in the window at the pet store, combined with the confusion one might display while trying to solve an extremely advanced math equation. 

“Because you cannot just go home and eat sushi by yourself on your birthday.” She held up her hand then, face returning to a neutral expression. “Unless that’s actually what you want to do. And if it is, I won’t judge.” But? “Buuuuut.” She pressed her lips together. “If you want to get out and do something fun? 

You cocked your head to the side. Maybe. There was no harm in seeing what she had in mind. If it wasn’t your speed you still had your backup plan. And I should really get that shit unpacked, but… It doesn’t have to be tonight. “What are you suggesting?”

Gloria’s eyes lit up as you asked, her smile widening. “Well, Benny’s… You met my boyfriend, Benny, last week when he picked me up, remember?” You did, so you nodded. “It’s actually one of his and his brother’s friends’ birthday today, too, or, it was yesterday, but they’re going out tonight because one of them was working last night I think? I don’t know. My point is, it’s just going to be a casual thing down at Duffy’s, and if you want to join, you absolutely should.”

You were about to decline when you asked yourself why you shouldn’t go. 

First of all, you seemed to be on the fast track for an out of office friendship with Gloria. The two of you clicked right away, and though you’d only spent time with her out of work once, you could easily see it happening more and more. And I want that. You had solid friendships back home and scattered far and wide, and those people meant the world to you. But you would be lying to yourself if you said you didn’t want to form a few friendships in your new home, too. 

There was also the fact that the bar she’d mentioned, Duffy’s, was only a few miles from your place. It was actually where you and your sister went for drinks after she helped you move the last of your things into your condo. She’d driven down with you to keep you company on the trip, then taken a flight back home. But before she did, the two of you spent a day exploring your new neighborhood and ended up at Duffy’s. Though you were excited about your new job and the new start in a new place, you were still a little unsure if you’d made the right decision. But when you walked into the well-loved and weathered beach bar that night, something told you that everything was going to work out just as it should. 

And if for some reason that harmonious feeling you got upon entering Duffy’s was a one time thing, you could leave and be home in under eight minutes. And tomorrow’s Saturday, so… Fuck it. 

“You know what?” You nodded, a grin curving up your cheek. “That sounds great, Gloria.” 

She let out a small gasp and clapped her palms together once. “You’ll come?” 

“Yeah.” You nodded again, your grin growing into a full blown smile. “What time?” 

 “Ah! I’m so happy!” She genuinely was, and it made you feel good to know that she was looking forward to getting to know you outside of work. “I think Benny said nine, but I’ll ask him to be sure and then get back to you.” She clapped her hands together again and sucked in a breath as though something just occurred to her. “Oh! And you’ll get to meet Yovanna! I told you about her I think? Anyway, she’s dating Santi, one of the guys in the group. She’s great, you’ll like her.” Gloria chuckled. “And she’ll like you, too.” 

“I hope so!” And if not or if it’s awkward because they’re friends and I’m new… I can just go. 

“No, she will, trust me.” Gloria furrowed her brow and nodded. “You two are actually pretty similar.” She smirked. “You don’t take shit and neither does she.” The slightest hint of mischief sparkled in her eyes as another thing dawned on her. “Wait, two of the guys are very single right now and one of them-” You were trying to stop her right there because you weren’t looking for a setup, but she didn’t let you, simply speaking just a touch louder so all you could do was laugh. “One of them is Benny’s brother, and the other is-” 

You finally got her to stop by waving your arms and forming them into an X shape, still laughing. “Gloria. Stop. I’ll come out because it sounds fun. But I’m not looking for a matchmaker.” 

She held up her hands in surrender, a sheepish smile in place. “Fine. I’m just trying to give you all the information ahead of time.” She winked. “Just in case.” 

“Okay.” You winked back, giving her a thumbs up. “Consider me briefed.” 

Before Gloria could say anything else, Mel’s voice came through the speaker on your desk phone, saying your name. You pressed the button that let you respond. “What’s up, Mel?” 

“Brandon Grant from the city planner’s office is on line one for the conference call with you and Gloria.” From across the room you heard Gloria groan, then looked up to watch her mouth “Sweetheart McGee already?” with a sickly frown on her face, and you had to close your eyes and cover your mouth so you wouldn’t snort into the speaker. “Can I put him through?” 

You cleared your throat and shot Gloria a look. “Can you just give me one minute before you put him on? Tell him I’m on the other line, just so I can log in and get the project files open and get situated.” 

“No problem,” Mel answered. “He’s early, anyway. Just buzz me back when you’re ready.” 

Thanking Mel, you clicked the button to end the call and then let your hands fall against your lap as you faced Gloria. “Alright, you ready to get this over with?” 

“We are really going to deserve those drinks after dealing with this guy.” She sighed, then headed for the door, only to appear a second later on the other side of the glass wall. She sat at her desk and started up her computer, then looked over at you and nodded once. 

You buzzed Mel back and then you were on the line with Brandon Grant, the man stepping right into his nickname upon greeting. 

“Good morning, sweetheart, how you doing today?” 

You cringed, forcing a smile into your voice as you answered. “Oh, you know! Another day in paradise! Are you ready to go over the landscape designs for the new park?” 

For the next hour you and Gloria took Brandon through the possible layouts, explaining why certain plants and elements were chosen, and answering all of his questions while simultaneously keeping a count of how many times he referred to either of you as “sweetheart”. By the time you hung up, the count had reached twelve and he’d thrown in a “hun” as a bonus. 

We definitely deserve those drinks tonight.

But even though he was a pain in the ass to deal with, Sweetheart McGee has chosen one of the three designs you’d proposed, and as long as it was approved by the city council, it would be your first project to move into construction since switching locations. Which is pretty cool. 

You sighed, leaning back in your desk chair as you peeled the paper off of one of the cupcakes from the box your co-workers had left you, reading over your calendar to see what was next on your schedule. Taking a bite, you hummed in satisfaction. Damn, that’s good. 

It was only ten in the morning, but it was already proving to be a better birthday than you hoped for. As much as you tried to focus on work for the rest of the day, you couldn’t help but feel excitement about the prospect of going out later that night. 

Because… It means I could really have a life here. Not just a job. Friends and good times and… You really didn’t want Gloria to try to set you up with anyone. But if it happened naturally? 

Well, if that were the case, you’d be open to anything. 

Sometime after your lunch break, Gloria heard back from Benny and confirmed the time with you, the woman insisting that you let them pick you up despite your protests about how close the bar was to your place. 

“You really don’t have to do that,” You tried one last time. “I don’t mind driving myself, and I don’t want to intrude on your date night or anything.” 

Gloria waved you off and clicked her tongue. “It’s not date night, it’s birthday drinks with friends. I promise you Benny doesn’t mind, and I definitely don’t.” 

Oh, what the hell? It was clear that Gloria was trying to make sure that you felt included, even though you wouldn’t know anyone there aside from her and her boyfriend, whom you’d only exchanged a few words with. You appreciated how welcoming and inviting she was, and knew that she meant well, having been new to the area herself only a year earlier. I can still call an Uber if I have to leave early, and that way I don’t have to worry about having more than two drinks. 

“Okay,” you said, finally giving in with a sigh full of faux exasperation that turned into a laugh. “You win!” You told her that you would text her your address, and then Mel was calling you through the intercom, letting you know that another of your clients was waiting on line one. 

“And I have Annie Fulton from Florida Polytechnic on line two for Gloria,” Mel added. “So if you could tell her to leave you alone and get back to her own desk that would be swell.”

Snorting out a laugh, you looked over at the co-worker who was quickly becoming a friend, only to find that she was laughing, too. “Well,” you said, “You heard Mel. Get out of here.” 

“Alright, alright, I’m going.” She backed out the door, calling out one last thing before she was visible on the other side of the glass wall again. “Can’t wait for later!” 

As you prepped the files for your next call, you realized that you couldn’t wait for later, either.

– – – 

Pope and Yovanna were just getting out of their car when Frankie turned into the lot at Duffy’s, his truck’s headlights sweeping across the other parked cars to reveal that both Millers, as well as a few guys he worked with down at the airfield, were already inside. 

Gang’s all here, I guess. 

He pulled into the spot next to Pope, the other man waving at him through the windshield, his free arm wrapped around Yovanna’s waist. She waved, too, giving him a smile that brightened her whole face. Turning off the ignition, he waved in return, then glanced at his reflection in the rearview mirror, removing his hat and smoothing his hair down before yanking it back down over his curls. 

Good enough. Not trying to impress anyone anyway. 

As soon as he opened his door, he was greeted by Pope’s voice. “Ahí está el viejo!” 

Before Frankie could respond, Yovanna smacked Santi on the arm. “And who are you calling old, hmm? Estás pisándole sus talones.” Frankie laughed at that, reaching past Pope to give Yovanna a hug first. “Happy Birthday, Francisco,” she said, kissing him on the cheek and giving him a squeeze. 

“Thank you,” he replied, grinning at her as they separated. He turned to face his friend then, giving him a nod. “And she’s right, pendejo. You’re catching up. If I’m old, what does that make you?” 

“Still younger than you,” Pope responded with a chuckle, slapping Frankie’s back before slinging an arm around him. 

“Yeah, yeah, alright,” Frankie rolled his eyes. “C’mon, let’s get inside before Benjamin comes looking for us.” 

The night out was happening at Benny’s insistence. Up until two days earlier, Frankie had no birthday plans and he had been just fine with that. Forty three wasn’t exactly a major milestone. And with the way things had only just started to really settle following their return from South America - the reinstatement of his pilot’s license, the finalization of his divorce, getting shared custody of his daughter - he hadn’t had time to think about smaller, more trivial things. Least of all, celebrating his own forty third birthday. 

But Benny claimed that a new beginning at the end of the shitstorm was the perfect time to celebrate. 

Which Frankie thought sounded a little like one of Will’s speeches blended with Benny’s optimism and garnished with a twist of Pope’s persuasiveness, but at the same time, he kind of saw the point that his friend was trying to make. 

It’s less about my birthday and more about… He swallowed, flexing his right hand and then loosening it and letting it fall to his side. More about everything that comes after. 

The after. That was something that Frankie could readily celebrate. The fact that he, that all four of them, had survived the biggest mistake that any of them had ever made and could still fill their lives with good things, big and small. That was something he could drink to. 

Besides, it’s not actually my birthday today. It was yesterday. 

That didn’t stop Benny from letting the whole bar think otherwise. 

“Hey! Happy Birthday, Fish!” The younger of the Miller brothers exclaimed as Frankie, Pope and Yovanna stepped inside. He raised both arms, a full pitcher in one hand and a stack of empty glasses in the other. Behind him, Frankie saw Will stand from a table where he had been sitting with Gloria before making his way over to say hello as Yovanna made her way over to take Will’s place at the table. But who is that other woman? 

You turned then, laughing at something that Gloria had said. And even though he could only see half of your face from the angle of where you were sitting, he felt an instant attraction at the way that laugh brightened your eyes. I don’t know who she is, but I want to. 

“There he is,” Will said, clapping him on the shoulder with a grin. “Happy birthday, Morales. What are you now, sixty? Sixty five?” 

“Cool it, Ironhead, I’m only three years older than you.” Frankie responded, feigning offense and shrugging Will’s hand away. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Will laughed as Benny passed a full beer to Frankie. “We’re all on our way to the old folks home.” 

“Speak for yourselves,” the younger man interjected, filling and passing a glass to Pope, too. “Gloria and I are still thriving in our thirties, so-” 

“So that means you’re paying for drinks?” Pope chimed in through a smirk as he gripped his glass. “Wow. How generous of you, Benny.” 

Benny rolled his eyes. “Ha, ha.” Setting the pitcher down, he raised his own glass and the other three followed suit. “To Frankie. Cheers to being another year wiser than these wiseasses.” He cocked his head in Will and Pope’s direction. 

“Now hold on a minute, Ben, I-” 

But Frankie didn’t let Pope get the rest of his protest out before clinking his glass to the three that were waiting. “No, I think that was a perfect toast. Thanks, Benny.” He took a swig of his drink, and even though he hadn’t really wanted to come out, he was already glad that he had. Nights out with the guys weren’t rare occasions, not by a long shot. But he was still grateful that he got to have them. And tonight’s just getting started. 

Yuri and Ed from the airfield filed over then to wish Frankie a happy birthday, followed by a few other friends and acquaintances that Benny and Will had spread the word to. After about an hour of mingling, he finally made his way over to the table where the rest of the group was sitting, dropping into a seat next to Gloria. 

“Happy birthday, Frankie!” She spoke over the music and chatter as she leaned over to give him a loose hug. 

“Thank you, Glo.” He smiled at her as he pulled back. “It’s nice to see you, thanks for coming out.” 

She waved a hand as she reached for the handle of the pitcher, Benny scooching it towards her without breaking from the conversation he was having with Will and Pope. “Of course! Wouldn’t miss it.” She poured herself a half glass of beer, then wordlessly asked if he wanted a refill, too. 

Nodding, he held his glass in place. “Thanks,” he murmured, looking over his shoulder as she topped him off. “Hey who did I see you talking to before?” And where is she now?

A mischievous grin stretched across her lips as she looked up at him and set the pitcher on the table. What is that look for? “A friend from work,” she responded, telling him your name. “A single friend,” she added.

Frankie huffed out a short laugh. “I’m not- I didn’t-” 

“I know you didn’t.” Gloria winked at him. “I just want you to have all the information,” she added, knocking the rim of her glass to his. 

“Well…” He raised his glass to his lips, smiling behind it. Well… That’s good to know. “Okay.” 

“Oh! And it’s her birthday, too, so I invited her out.” 

What? And she didn’t have other plans? “Oh. Well, I’m glad you did,” he said, setting his drink on a cardboard coaster and letting his fingers slide down the chilled glass. “The more the merrier.” 

He looked up and in the direction of the restrooms just as you and Yovanna came through the hallway that led to them, and when he did, he locked eyes with you. Fuck, she’s beautiful. He felt his smile grow again at the sight of you, especially when he noticed your slight intake of breath as your eyes met his. He watched Yovanna say something into your ear that made you cover your face and laugh, and then she raised her hand to wave at him. 

I wonder what she said to her. He raised one eyebrow along with his hand as you dropped yours from your face. The remnants of your laughter were still written all over your cheeks and again he felt an undeniable pull, a desire to get to know you. Because I want to see that smile again. And I want to put it there. 

His thoughts were interrupted by Pope tapping the table in front of him. “Hey, ground control to Catfish.” Frankie blinked, turning his attention back to his friends. “You’re not going deaf on us, are you? I asked if you’re in.” 

Picking up an unused coaster, he flung it like a frisbee at Pope, who batted it down in one smooth motion. “Just selectively.” 

“Ha, ha.” Pope rolled his eyes. “So does that mean you don’t want to go to the Lightning game on Wednesday?” 

“The Lightning?” Frankie took a sip of his beer, eyebrows drawn together. “Since when are you a hockey fan? Do you even know anything about hockey?”

“Oh, believe me, he does not.” Yovanna laughed as she dropped into the booth bench next to Pope, her arm going around his shoulders so that her fingers could card through the hair that curled behind his ear. He turned to face her, both of them wearing ear to ear grins. “We watched the game last night and he had no clue what was going on the whole time.” 

“I didn’t,” he admitted, garnering snickers and snorts from both Miller brothers. “But I’m learning.” He shrugged. “The tickets are from work. We just signed a contract with Amalie Arena so I’ll get tickets a few times a year. So I figured why not broaden my horizons?” 

“It’s not the easiest game to understand right away, but if you give it a few games and actually pay attention, you’ll catch on.” Another voice joined the conversation then, and everyone turned towards where you stood at the edge of the table. “I have a friend who’s a big fan so I’ve watched a few games with her.” Giving a small shake of your head, you laughed. “I still don’t know all the rules. It’s a wild sport, but it’s fun.” 

“See?” Pope gestured at you with one hand. “I don’t have to know the rules to have fun.” 

“Oh, good.” Frankie placed his palm flat on the table. “So your short attention span should be just fine then.” His friend’s response was to flip him the bird, the rest of the table laughing before falling back into conversation as Frankie stood and faced you. “Hi, sorry I didn’t get to introduce myself yet. I’m Francisco.” He shook his head. “Frankie. Let me grab you a chair.”  

– – – 

You hadn’t even finished your first drink yet, so you knew the rush of warmth you felt in that moment had nothing to do with the alcohol and everything to do with Frankie’s slightly lopsided smile. 

Fuck, he’s handsome. He pulled a chair away from an empty table and plopped it next to his. And chivalrous. 

“Thank you.” You sat, returning his smile with one of your own, and telling him your name as Gloria slid your glass across the table from where you were sitting before to your new seat between Frankie and Yovanna. “And happy birthday.” You lifted your drink in his direction before taking a sip. “Thanks for letting me crash your plans.” 

“Thank you.” His grin spread wider, lifting his cheeks into his eyes. “Happy birthday to you, too.’ He tipped his drink so that he could clink the rim of his glass to yours. “And you’re welcome. I’m glad Gloria invited you.” 

Your eyes darted over just in time to see Gloria shoot you a wink over Frankie’s shoulder. “Yeah,” you said, still smiling, your heart beating just a blip faster. “Me too.” 

Over the next hour and a half that became even more true as you fell easily into conversation with the group. Gloria had been right about you and Yovanna clicking, and the guys were just as easy to get along with. Since there were other people there for Frankie’s birthday than just the seven seated at the table, he got up a few times to go spend some time with them, too, but each time he came back he returned his focus to you, either commenting on something that you were telling the others, or asking you questions if you weren’t part of the larger conversation happening. 

You told him about your job at the architecture firm, and about the transfer that brought you down to Tampa in the first place. Will and Benny chimed in when you talked about how different winter was where you were from, the Indiana born brothers claiming that they’d love to see Frankie or Santi shovel their way out of a Midwest blizzard. 

“Why?” Frankie grimaced. “That just sounds like it hurts.” 

You’d laughed at that, nodding. “It does. I love the snow and I don’t really mind shoveling but…” You sighed. “I won’t miss the whole body aches after doing it.” 

“Facts,” Gloria agreed, nodding sagely. “Shoveling snow is not fun or easy.”

“You lived in a co-op building in Queens, Glo,” Benny responded, tightening the arm he had around her and giving her a skeptical side eye. “You didn’t have to shovel anything.” 

“I did not,” she confirmed. “But I watched the snow removal guys and they definitely did not look like they were enjoying themselves.” 

Everyone laughed at that, and then the conversation branched in a different direction. But Frankie didn’t follow it, turning to you and circling back to your recent move. “So aside from the weather, are you liking it down here?”

Smiling, you nodded. “I am. I’m still getting my feet under me. Learning where things are and which take out spots are good and all that.” 

Frankie hummed, crossing his arms over his chest. “Try Tino’s on Gateway Boulevard if you like burritos,” he suggested. “And if you like sushi you should try Ginkaku on-” 

“-North Evans?” You asked the location at the same time that he said it, your eyes widening. What are the odds? “Yeah, I’ve been meaning to try there.” You chuckled under your breath. “I was actually going to stop there tonight on my way home from work, but then Gloria told me I couldn’t spend my birthday eating sushi alone, so…”

You trailed off as someone near the bar called over to Frankie, telling him that they had to get going. He twisted in his seat to respond, saying that he’d be over in a second, and you found yourself staring at the way the movement made the fabric of his shirt stretch over his broad back. Damn. Out of the corner of your eye you noticed Gloria and Yovanna giving each other looks that you were fairly certain had to do with the way you were looking at Frankie, but you didn’t care because when he turned around again, his deep brown eyes locked with yours and nearly knocked you sideways. 

“Sorry, I just have to go say goodbye to a buddy of mine from work, and-” 

“No, don’t apologize! Of course.” You cocked your head towards the bar. “Go ahead, Frankie, I’ll be here when you get back.” 

He took a breath, then swallowed and nodded, eyes still on you as he stood from his seat. “Okay. I’ll be right back.” With that, he turned and headed over to the bar, and you were met with a view of his back again. 

Tearing your eyes away in an attempt to be more subtle about your attraction to a man you had met less than two hours ago, you cleared your throat and finished your drink. 

Your attempt was for naught, though, because even though Gloria was engaged in an intense conversation with Benny, Will and Santi, Yovanna was looking at you with a smirk. “I told you,” she said, one eyebrow raised as she lifted her drink to her lips. “I saw the way he looked at you before. He’s definitely interested.” 

I hope she’s right. Heat flooded your cheeks as the thought crossed your mind, and you knew you likely looked flustered, but you shook your head and let out a scoff. “I- He… Yovanna, I’m sure it’s just-” You shrugged. “A birthday hookup or-” 

Her head moved side to side then, her dark curls swinging from her ponytail. “No. That’s not Francisco.” She glanced over at Santi, the man throwing his head back in laughter and clapping Will on the shoulder, a warm smile that softened her sharp eyes on her face when she turned back to you. “The two of them are very much alike. They don’t waste their time on things that they don’t think will be around tomorrow.”

As though on cue, Santiago leaned over to press a kiss to Yovanna’s cheek. “You good?” He murmured the words against her skin before pulling away. She turned to nod, scrunching her nose. “We’ll get going soon, yeah?” She nodded again, the man dropping another kiss to the opposite cheek. “Okay.” 

He turned back to the others then, but you noticed that his hand stayed on her thigh as she returned her focus to you, saying your name. “I know that you just met me tonight, too, but you can trust me on this. Besides-” She tapped her phone and you looked down at the time on the screen. “Tonight is not really his birthday, and it’s almost not yours anymore, either. So it can’t just be a birthday hookup.” She widened her eyes and pressed her lips together, reaching for the pitcher in the middle of the table. “I’m going to have one more drink. Do you want one?” 

Before you could respond, you felt the weight of Frankie’s grip on the back of your chair as he lowered himself back into his own seat. But it was the trail of his fingertips across your shoulder as he withdrew his hand that made you suck in a breath and wonder if Yovanna was right. Realizing that you hadn’t answered her question, you blinked and nodded. “Um, sure. Just half a glass, though.” 

Because if she’s right? I definitely want to stay clear headed for whatever might happen. 

You thanked her as she poured for you, and then turned to Frankie, licking your lips as you smiled. “Did you catch your friend before they left?” 

“I did.” He said it with a nod, then tilted his head to the side. What? Narrowing his eyes, he opened his mouth to say something, then hesitated, taking a breath instead of speaking. What is he- But then he straightened his head again and you saw - and felt - his eyes flick to your lips and then back up. Oh, shit, he- “So you said that you were originally planning on checking out that sushi place tonight but Gloria said you couldn’t spend your birthday eating sushi alone, right?” 

You pulled your lower lip between your teeth and nodded. “Yeah.” And I’m glad I listened to her. 

He sighed then and you got the feeling that he was working himself up to say something. “Well,” he let out a sheepish laugh and reached up to grip the back of his neck, thick fingers nudging the edge of his hat. “That place is open ‘til 2 on the weekends. If you’re hungry, we could go grab a bite.” Wait, is he… Is he asking me out? He shrugged, dropping his hand and giving you the same lopsided grin he gave you when he introduced himself to you. “That way you won’t be going by yourself and-” 

You poked your tongue into the side of your cheek. “And technically by the time we get there it won’t even be my birthday anymore, so-” 

Frankie nodded, grin spreading. “So Gloria won’t have a leg to stand on.” 

A thousand tiny butterflies swarmed through your stomach at the thought of spending more time with Frankie one on one. Oh, I am so fucked. Taking a breath, you looked at him and what you saw only confirmed that thought. Frankie was the most attractive man you’d ever been this close to. And he’s asking me out. There was only one answer, as far as you were concerned. 

“That sounds great, Frankie.” You held up a finger. “On one condition.” He lifted an eyebrow in question, so you went on. “We take it back to my place to go, because I have a bunch of birthday cupcakes leftover from the office this morning, and-” 

He laughed, leaning in to rest his elbow on the table, getting close enough to say something that no one else would hear. “So you’re saying if I play my cards right, I might get to kiss frosting off your lips?” 

Oh, holy fucking shit, Frankie. 

You gasped then, Frankie pulling back to see the reaction on your face, the expression he was wearing one that you would remember for a long time. Finally, you cleared your throat and answered. “That is exactly what I’m saying, Francisco.” 

His eyes flashed when you used his full name, and with his next breath, though he was still looking at you, he addressed the rest of the table. “Hey guys, this has been fun, but I think it’s time to call it a night.” 

Within a few minutes the tab had been paid - Will, Benny and Santi insisting on splitting it between themselves - and goodbyes were said. But despite what Frankie had just said, you knew that your night was just getting started.

.

.

.

Thank you for reading! If you would like to be added to or removed from the taglist, please feel free to let me know by sending a message or filling out the form on my masterlist! :)

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[cuteniaarts]

Behold, my latest and most enamouring new obsession:

Malina, Lady of the Chief of the Northern Water Tribe. As if Red Lotus child OCs weren’t niche enough

[seventh-district]

it’s the last Sunday before Sunday’s banner ends so i suppose it’s about time for me to finally boot up HSR and pull him home… wish me luck

[rotisseries]

yk that military kid camp i went to? gone for like a week? there were so many homeschooled kids it was crazy. and people that skipped grades. like a 14 yr old is a junior and this 15 yr old is starting freshman in college. made me feel 1) dumb 2) better because i feel like i am inherently less awkward and less socially inept than the average homeschooled kid. i do feel bad a little bit. not a lot.

you are less socially inept than the average homeschool kid I promise. this includes me unfortunately. also don't worry about whether or not they're smarter than you I promise something is still wrong with them

[halucygeno]

Regardless of the strange formatting of the bullet points (for which you already apologized in the tags, I noticed), this is a very good justification!

I'm especially convinced by the "convoluted plan is a trial" part. It's embarrassing that I didn't notice it myself, because when I first watched episode 15, I remember thinking that following the beggars was very risky for Grabowski. But somehow, I never considered that this was the whole point — a filter meant to scare away anyone without the right conviction.

And you make fair point with how the homeless were probably much more socially marginalized and ignored back in those days. I'm not too educated on history, but at least from the way they're depicted in Orb, the beggars seem like pariahs.

I did wonder whether Badeni was hoping that the tattoo's would survive a long time and be discovered much later, but I think that's too much of a long shot. Like I already mentioned, shorter life-spans and higher mortality. But then again, it was always a far-fetched plan, so maybe Badeni really was counting on a miracle.

The only thing that still irks me, I guess, is why rely solely on the beggars? I feel like if a plan has such low chances of working, why not enact multiple plans just to be safe? He could have hidden a paper copy as a backup, hoping that somebody other than Grabowski finds it accidentally. It would be even less likely than Grabowski following the beggars, but it doesn't hurt to try.

Hubert (or Rafał - actually, it was probably Rafał) did something pretty similar when he carved the constellation into the rocks. He hoped that a discerning astronomer would coincidentally find his writing - and it worked. That's how the information passed from Rafał to Oczy and Gras.

I guess the lack of paper copies is less an issue with Badeni's plan, and more a fundamental problem in the premise of the show itself.

In theory, if the concept + evidence for heliocentrism were boiled down to their barest essentials, they could probably be summarized in a short pamphlet of less than 10 pages, which could then be copied by hand dozens of times. Those pamphlets could then be hidden in all sorts of places: ones where they're likely to be discovered (inside houses, studies, libraries, etc.) and ones where they're not so likely to be discovered (in stone chests out in the wilderness). Hopefully, this would help the idea spread in the short-term, while keeping it safe from extermination in the long-term.

Even the inquisition (at least the way it's depicted in Orb) would be tricked by this strategy. If you're captured, you can just lead them to one of the copies and destroy it, while pretending it was the only one.

I feel that this simple idea - "simplify the theory into a short text, then make lots and lots of copies" - is so inherently overpowered, that the mangaka had no choice but to ignore it, and draw as little attention to it as possible. Though, I guess they have to address it now with Draka, as she gears up to make Oczy's book available to the masses. She even points out how copying the manuscript by hand would be too laborious — which is fair for a 60 page book meant to be read by thousands, but would be much less convincing if it was a 4 page pamphlet that only needs to be copied, say, 20 times.

Anyway, I'm not gonna harp on about this. It's not worth losing sleep over, even if it's a slight contrivance in an otherwise great show. And it's not like other aspects of Orb aren't contrived - I just thought this contrivance was particularly damaging as it makes these otherwise smart characters look slightly incompetent.

Thanks for your exhaustive and detailed reply!

Ok, maybe a controversial opinion, but I don't understand how Badeni's tattoo plan was in any way clever or practical.

Functionally, how is it any different from simply making a paper copy of Oczy's diary and hiding it in a safe place, then leaving behind directions to find it? If he trusted Grabowski enough to lead him to the beggars (making the assumption that he wouldn't report the blasphemous tattoos to the church), then I'd say he could equally well have left the entirety of Oczy's diary with him directly.

Worse, tattooing the pages on 60 different people causes a bunch of unique problems that a paper copy doesn't have.

Firstly, life expectancy wasn't exactly fantastic in those times, especially for a beggar. By the time Grabowski discovered them, half the pages could be missing from them dying — or hell, just moving to a different slum. I'd say it's very lucky that all of the people Badeni tattooed both survived and stuck together long enough for the plan to work.

Secondly, that's at least 60 people who have witnessed/experienced Badeni tattooing something weird on their heads. They may not know how to read, but they should have at least some idea of what writing is. So, again, it's an immense stroke of luck that none of them, at any point, got curious or suspicious enough to go to a clergyman and ask "hey, what the hell did this guy write on my head"?

And remember, that's 60 people we're talking about. Whatever chance one of them has to accidentally or deliberately reveal the plan — multiply it by 60. Plus, if even one of them was discovered, catching all the others would have likely been fairly easy for the church.

So... what exactly was the point of the whole plan? If you think about it, it's an immense amount of work for seemingly no reward. I'm genuinely curious what Badeni thought the advantage was in doing things this way.

[2025-01-15 EDIT:]

On further reflection, the only two possible reasons I can think of are:

Badeni was hoping that his sheer audaciousness would create an emotional effect on whoever finds the writing. The plan was proof of his devotion to the cause, and a plea for the next person not to squander all this effort. Though I seriously doubt this would be enough to sway anyone devout to the church, so it's a bit of a stretch.

The 60 tattooed beggars were essentially hostages. Badeni was expecting that if the church found them, they would be accused of heresy and executed. So he put 60 human lives on the shoulders of whoever finds the writing. Reporting the tattoos would mean condemning 60 people to death, which I bet even devout believers would hesitate to do.

But these are just guesses based on imperfect information. If the beggars explained how they were unwittingly roped into the plan, maybe they wouldn't be executed. So it's unclear if they'd even work as hostages.

[sevicia]

I wanted to make a cleaner summary of last week's classes and also review the classes I have this week since the material is already uploaded beforehand but I was feeling so horrible throughout the day that when I sat down I was just gonna look at the ones for tomorrow but I think I'm just gonna go to bed because I just gave my little numbers game a few tries and not even the joy of tribial elementary school-level math games is bringing my brain cells and/or full sentience back

[oveliagirlhaditright]

What’re your favorite kh ships?

If I'm being honest... I really only true ship SoKai these days (my forever OTP). Mainly because I feel like that's the only one I can really ever see actually being canon (well, aside from Yozora and Nameless Star, and I also ship them: a lot of that for Versus XIII reasons. My heart won't let go). And, I mean, not that a ship needs to be canon for me to ship them. Not at all. But I'll admit that I've grown out of some of the KH ships a wee bit, as I've found more adult ones in other fandoms to get invested one.

That being said, the KH ships that I do still care about are:

SoKai

RokuShi

Namiku

RokuNami

Terqua (though it seem these days the kids call it Terrqua. Or Terraqua?)

Gulava

Skulmera

Playerlitzia

YozoraNameless Star

Xehaqus

AkuSai

SoRiKai

RiKai

Roxiri (though not in canon. More in fanon. More for crack, kind of, actually. And friendship first and foremost)

I'm warming up to Replinami some these days, because of the tragedy of it all.

I've also started to warm up to Rion a wee bit... that past Shanna thought she'd never see.

SoNami in CoM only.

I could do XionRoxasNaminé. NamiXI, too.

VenAqua slightly, but I'd always choose Terra and Aqua over it (but one thing about the Wayfinder Trio for me, if I'm being truthful, is that I prefer the three of them as friends before any romance with any of them. Part of me even really thinks all three of them are truly just meant to be friends.)

A lot of people ship Ven and Strelitzia for some reason. And I doubt it'll ever happen, tbh. Who knows if they'll ever even really get a chance to meet and be friends. But I do get why they think it'd be cute.

And while I don't know if I truly ship them anymore, a part of me will always have a soft spot for Ventus and Naminé. Because for some reason, I really used to ship this crack pairing, back in the day.

I also don't really know if I ship them... but despite what I said above, I do get the feeling that Nomura might be doing something with Lauriam/Marluxia and Elrena/Larxene.

[shaykai]

Vat/Orin childhood schenanigans is fun yes, but consider, they still try to pettily rip eachother apart as adults, the same way they would have as children

Oh yeah they would for sure- and honestly I think their relationship would be worse if he showed up later (which is always fun. Throw some animosity onto the gas fire that is their relationship)

Like she’s being prepped to start running the cult and taking over from Sarevok and then some drow walks in and is basically just handed everything (I assume there are some trials but like. It’s Durge. He passes dhshshsj)

I think they’ll lose some of their bond (mostly on Vat’il’s end. He does care about Orin! It’s just in a super messed up version of love kind of a way) but it’s also not like they were ever super close so it works out

[veinpursuer]

WHERE’S MY FUKING CAPO

[adore-gregor]

my perception of grades totally changed since i started uni

[autumnrory]

i've been reading fic like nonstop and since i just finished a good one it feels like time to take a break but i'm like. it wasn't really a fic with plot and i just feel like that's what i've been missing lately or i do find them and i don't like them so it makes me wanna keep going and hope i can find something better