#i will probably delete this post later if I remember
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"One morning this sadness will fossilize / and I will forget how to cry"
This song snippet has been stuck in my head all afternoon and compelled me to draw nedward trying to hold everything together while crozier is in rehab (yeah I'm on a ambient candle lighting kick I can't help it)
I need to step up my steven universe tears game but here's a version of him crying <3
(+ short vent/rant about my relationship to "sopping wet kitten Edward Little" bc my mind won't won't let me rest)
I kinda hate feeding the "wet sopping loser Edward Little" agenda (I've seen so many posts criticizing how some parts of the fandom oversimplify him and his character and boil him down to "useless pathetic wet cat who cant do anything right" and a part of me is scared that I've been (perceived to be) part of that bc I've produced my fair share of "nedward looking pathetic" art but I get that he's more complex than that!!! He is stuck in a situation that ANYONE would crumble in, his superior is an alcoholic who treats him like an errands boy but hes bound by the chain of command. Much more eloquent ppl have pointed out his wins and accomplishments on and off screen. Also I haven't seen anyone mentioning this but I think a lot of it is also just mcnultys looks. Those big brown eyes and eyelashes, the lips.. He can look sooooo pathetic and sad and beaten up on a level not many actors can imo. Anyways I hope this will shut the voices (in my head) up and won't cause any drama plssss)
(That being said tho I still love the memes don't get me wrong. Also yeah he's just fun to draw like this (sad/wet/pathetic))
#was this out of pocket? probably#but this has been bugging me ever since i read the first post of someone mentioning how some people get edward so fundamentally wrong#im probably just overthinking. hopefully#anyways might delete the rant later if i remember/dont fall asleep first#the terror#the terror amc#edward little#froggerart
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//suggestive images
Made these cuz uhm. Uhm. Im not sure actually. For funsies or something. Eroticisim of the machine or something idk im new here
God i am SO CRINGE but i am... Free?
#Ughhh do i tag this as nsfw. Everyone is clothed yet i feel like im treading such a FINE LINE#Okay if someone asks me to tag it like that i will...#Posting this im like 'oh my god what if ppl think im weird and i get killed for this'#Then i remember im on Tumblr. Ill be fine. I think#ALSO if u literally click on the read mroe and get mad at seeing. This. Then that's ur own fault ok. Or maybe i didn't actually give a clea#Enough warning idk#Ill probably delete this later if it flops 😭😭😭#ultrakill oc#gabriel ultrakill#V1sona#Oc: V5#oc x canon#Urghhhh this stuff looks so bad BUT WHATEVER#Look at my yaoi or whatever#art#artists on tumblr#artwork#digital art#digital illustration#digital drawing#ultrakill#digital doodle#my art#my ocs#oc art#// suggestive
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The most wild time on tumblr was back in the day if you drew something and Someone else got dysphoric or whatever from that drawing it was Your Fault and you were responsible for other people being dysphoric which is why there was a huge lack of visibly trans ocs and art for a long while
like you drew a trans man with boobs?? that makes me dysphoric delete it :((
#rads.txt#i'll probably delete this post later i just wanted to talk about this lol#does anyone remember this era of tumblah
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I've been having more Symptoms than usual lately but that's probably fine and cool right
#like more obsessive/compulsive behavior and dissociation#what if i died driving to my psychiatrist this morning hahaha jk. unless...#literally started dissociating during my appointment with him but i was just like#hm i dont wanna have to change the subject and i dont really have time to bring it up anyway :/ guess ill just deal#then i had a bad scare with my cat after the ONE TIME i didnt do my checking all the locks compulsion and i think that made it worse#had to ask my gf to take us straight home instead of driving us somewhere to get dinner after we went out#bc on the way i was suddenly struck with a Fear that told me that if we kept going that way then something bad would happen#been doing okay for the past few hours i think but now my gf is asleep and i just spent. idk how long?#maybe a few minutes maybe a lot of minutes#pacing back and forth in the bathroom at night in front of the mirror before i finally remembered that i have a phobia of mirrors lol#so. thats where my dissociation is at rn i guess#maybe i just need sleep#thats probably it tbh. havent slept well for weeks/months and i slept even less well than normal last night#probably will delete later i think this is the ventiest vent post ive done in a long time lol#but then again maybe this post isnt even real in the first place 🤔 maybe im not writing or posting it rn 🤔 whos to say#guess i should probably go to sleep either way tho huh#rambling#dissociation tw#unreality tw#?
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#Experiencing depression and autistic burnout in a 40hr job is so interesting#nothing has changed#and yet I feel like an incompetent failure at my job#which I know I'm not#I'm doing just fine and I have great rapport with my coworkers#Just#everything feels grey and I'm so tired#Will I delete this later?#probably not. I never remember these posts
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my unpopular opinion of the day is that I def think lenore dove was written supposed to be a reference to both sejanus and lucy gray (the line haymitch said he was surprised lenore dove didn't get hung + her love for gumdrops + her being much more vocal abt her frustration to current day panem and her longing for days much before the current ones), but she was so badly written that all most ppl can remember is her being covey so in the end it passed unnoticed 😭
#I keep saying I won't talk abt this book anymore and then say something abt it#plus most of og trilogy fans don't think in depth abt tbosas so they probably only remember lgb as a character#anyway I'm deleting this later#just me rambling#my silly little posts
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#not a vent just a journal entry (feel free to scroll past; there is no snz here and this is also not that interesting)#realizing now that i never thought of myself as#someone whose absence would register to others in any other way than just neutral/detached recognition?#phrasing this really badly and i am truly going to delete this later bc it is embarrassing LOL#i think when i was young and posting all this fic into questionable places (the f*rum) i was like#(@ an unfinished work of mine) no way anyone could be bothered by these cliffhangers 👍 they can just imagine the ending#even though i would frequently be bothered by other people's cliffhangers. that exact same principle just wouldn't apply to me in my head#and when i did not respond to people i was like.. i'm sure i wasn't really an important part of their lives so they won't mind it#if i stepped away?#i never really entertained the concept of people missing me or looking forward to my responses 😭 i never thought of myself as someone worth#missing... so when i disappeared it was always with little to no sense of guilt. i think even now i struggle with#seeing myself as someone that inhabits like a tangible enough space in other people's lives that my absence would be felt#(and i don't mean that in a morbid way. and i do recognize that it's quite hypocritical)#on the flipside of things i frequently miss people and look forward to their responses. and sometimes i wonder like#do they all know? do they all know that i miss them because they somehow understand this aspect of human nature better than i do?#or are they in the dark like i am? are these things assumed or are they only known when they are said... 😭#i am a little bit of a coward so i am not saying anything (also because can you even say this kind of thing to someone??#i would probably die of embarrassment) but#how strange it is to have someone suddenly inhabit a space in your life that is substantial enough that#when they're gone you feel that space open up and you miss them#the few times in my life people have conveyed that sentiment to me i remember feeling puzzled that my presence could have that kind of#weight to them. i think my problem is that i purposefully do not read between the lines if the conclusion is something favorable towards me#because i don't want to bank on something good that might or might not be true 😭 anyways this is way too long already. if you read this#then good morning or goodnight
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In the words of the poet, “I don’t like a gold rush.”
#Alas#still in the throes of my stupid celebrity crush#ON A SPORTS PLAYER#this is so bad for the brand y’all#like#i know so much about football now#this is humiliating#To make matters worse#I am also deeply in my feelings regarding my former co-worker/current church friend#ALAS#who remains utterly uninterested in me#Tragic and disgusting#I think he should totally ask me out a month before I move for grad school#ugh#probably should delete this later#But it’s been too long since I’ve had an over sharing tumblr post#Anyway this post brought to you by me dressing up for Bible study before remembering my crush won’t be there this week
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Fancy ass high end Christmas Eve dinner with extended family who are all wine drinkers and have actual opinions on wine
My parents who can drink a bottle in a sitting and look and act objectively fine: 4 empty glasses and (idk) buzzed at least
Me, the light weight and the only person in the family who hates the taste of all wine and uneducated on wine culture (idk again, I’m not in the in crowd) but has to drink it because it’s an expensive fancy meal and the people serving us are very nice and friendly: downs the glass of wine like I down a shot of whiskey because I think I’m behind or some shit
#context to the last post#I’ll probably delete this too#I pay for my hubris and will never hear the end of it after tonight#I can pace myself just fine with distilled drinks#but I absolutely hate wine and was force by social pressure to drink it#like 10 glasses I think#the food was nice even if I can remember half of it and had to force myself to force on eating the later half#yet again drunken post
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just a heads-up! at some point soon i will be deleting most of my work related to wilbur soot.
As much as i don't want his actions to decide the fate of my art, i have noticed that my old art of him is reposted by straight up WSS blogs. I do not want to be associated with that at all, I have made my statement about it a while ago, and I do not under any circumstances support his actions or him anymore.
The mere mentioning of the man makes my blood boil and as much as i hoped this petty side of me will pass it did not.
#going to delete this post later as well#for all of my tma followers don't worry about it <33#yoki thoughts#i get it it's inevitable but honestly i hoped it would pass me#if i leave anything with him it's probably related to techno#i think i haven't deleted my art of him from vk#i don't want to check but if there's something left im not gonna delete it#wilbur soot /neg#girlies do i tag it as the main tag so people who blocked it wouldn't see it#or do i leave it so people who still follow the tag for some reason don't strangle me while im asleep#ughhh#ive got work tomorrow so i don't mind this fate anyway#but idkkk#i genuinely don't remember if i already deleted some of my work of him here or not#i do know that i cleaned my Instagram already#the thing that upsets me the most is my ghostbur fanart#ive drawn him so much over the years for nothing
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#ok so I'm done with the lineart for captain Haddock BUT I lowkey screwed up his face#should I run with it? ir redraw the whole thing? or do some frankensteining and draw his face somewhere else and then edit it in the body?#who am I even asking. who's gonna see this#not art#text#I'll probably just. keep it as it is but I'll decide in the morning. don't trust your decisions after 12#if you're for some reason reading this post have a great day/night#delete later#if I remember#I really need to start deleting these actually. I keep forgetting
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one of my pain meds finally got restocked plz let this mean I go back to having fewer bad days again
#throwing this under a readmore and then into the void to get it out#med posting I guess?#god if this is my new baseline I will weep#and throw things#I probably won't remember to delete this later just ignore ittttt
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I hope someone thinks of my stuff in evenings (or any other time really)
#dunno if my stuff is good enough to be someone's roman empire but i hope it's remembered fondly#yeah turns out people are capable of commenting and liking fics they probably just don't like me and/or my stuff for some reason#gonna delete this later#i accept kind words under this post btw
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the sadness i feel when i find a bookmark that says “this has been deleted, sorry!” come back ily
i have my bookmark with my comment but i have no idea who the author is :( i remember this fic, it was lovely 🥲

#i want to know the writer bc i’m good with remembering usernames so i would be able to go ‘oh it’s them!’#posting this just in case anyone remembers its worth a shot#i’ll delete it later probably
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Not going on a complete hiatus but things will be slower for anywhere between a few days to a few weeks due to work reasons 👍
#depends on how fast I can file 2 years worth of paperwork. lol.#anyway. yeah I will try to queue some stufff#but will probably fall behind on newer streams as I won’t be able to pause and take note of clips to post#since I have to do this as fast as possible#hopefully won’t take more than a few days :p#non voice post#delete later#if i remember
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is there anyone else out there who has so much respect for people who make insane, out-there aus/ships that are so far from canon that all of the content for it is supplied by their own mind and if yes do yall see ME as one of those people
#sorry i’m so high and i just realized that when people who haven’t been following me the whole time see my tags they feel like they’ve#accidentally walked into the middle of a novel and they’re missing ALL of the context#if that makes any sense#like since i’ve made javieran as a ship i have been brainstorming and building them and their dynamic up VIA POSTS HERE and so those who#have been following me for a while have the full context and we’re on the same page. as i post more and more about them i post about them in#situations where you NEED the full prior established context to understand literally anything that’s happening#like i can’t post content that isn’t basically a continuation of everything else ive ever said. for some reason i cannot make anything that#can be perceived out of context. i think i just said the same thing 10 times. but j guess that also makes sense as to why when new people#find my account 9/10 times they will go and scroll through every post LMFQO they’re like “’i know what happens to them months in but i need#to know how it starts !!! i’m INVESTED !!!!!!!’ LMFAO wow i’m actually insane#thank you to anyone who follows me and has kept up with the lore. i don’t think anyone who actively interacts with me now has been around#since i MADE the ship in 2018/2019 but there are a few who followed me almost immediately after i came back last year (earlier this year(?))#shoutout oizy pete and moss my goats#i wouldn’t consider myself a creative person by any means but idk. like i used to be but i feel like ive lost it but maybe im just insecure#anyway. i’ll probably delete this later but i was just thinking. it’s very rare that i will be allowed to post things that are outside of my#‘brand’ because for some reason i always have to be a brand when im posting. or anywhere. but when i get really high i turn into a human#being#weird. anyway. i’m going to go play cowboy game now.#text#hero's talking to himself again#hero talks about himself for 40 hours#i think that was my ramble tag. i can never remember.
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