#i will never understand getting mad at ppl who have every reason to feel uncomfortable voting for the democrats

[rel-bis]

the democrat party is so fucking stupid man

[lovedeathalice]

all you gotta do bae is block them. don’t respond to them cuz it only adds gas to the fire. whether you use it as a coping mechanism or not, it’s nobody’s fucking business in the first place. they’re acting like eren yeager is an actual person but he’s not. He as well as ALL fanfics are made up. you’re doing the most you can by adding warnings, tagging the fic and adding a ‘keep reading’ tab with it. It’s not your fault that they choose to ignore warnings. It’s there for a reason.

Another note, nobody is glorifying rape. If you read a non con fanfic and think “hmm, well if it’s like this scenario, I would let it slide” then you should either seek therapy or you’re not old enough to be reading about topics like this. To know that some people think that we think rape is okay is absolutely absurd. We obviously know the fucking difference and would never want that to happen to us irl nor would we wish it upon anyone. And the fact that people are wishing it or implying it is truly appalling.

If dark content bothers you, filter out the tags and block those creators so you NEVER have to come across dark content. We won’t get offended, if you’re uncomfortable with it, it’s all good. I also don’t understand why people are getting mad that we’re calling it dark fanfics? What, do you want us to call it “Eren fluff” or some stupid shit like that?

Point is, nobody is gonna stop writing what they want just because you don’t like it. It may be helping someone mentally. If you were SA and therapy worked for u, congradu-fucking-lations but everyone is different. Tumblr as well as AO3 have nothing in the guidelines that say writing dark content isn’t allowed. Especially cuz Eren’s a fucking anime character lolzz.

Sorry for the long message, it’s just so infuriating to see the entitlement of some people. I hope you’re doing okay and don’t let this get to your head. Just block em and they’ll have nothing to bitch about. You can also block an anonymous sender so their ask never reach you.

Love ya, sweet❣️

Tw: SA & rape mention below the cut, & long ass rant

YES YES, EXACTLY EVERY SINGLE THING YOU SAID HERE!!!!!!

I always ignore them best I can, but at that point i literally just lashed out because saying i WANT to be SA'd??? Like are you fucking serious???

I see SO many ppl, aka antis, in every single fandom treating SA as some kind of right & requirement to write noncon & it's insane.

It's a fantasy. As simple as that. It's common, and I sure as hell DON'T want it to happen to me IRL, at ALL. So getting occasional hate wishing that on me is just so mind boggling & disgusting. Like how u gonna get mad at me for what I write then proceed to be a shit human being in the next sentence🤦🏻‍♀️

At the end of the day, this is all FICTION!! Eren Jaeger is not a real man. He's fake. He won't jump out the screen & say "Hey guys I'm uncomfy with being in dark fics😢"💀 LMFAO

And exactly, I literally tag everything, put warnings, and put everything below the cut! I do my part, so do yours by avoiding my fics if you dislike them!!

Being uncomfortable with what I write is understandable, but when you harass me over it, it definitely isn't.

Plus people who write dark content do not always need therapy. Fanfics for me are an outlet. It's as simple as that.

And please don't be sorry for the long message! THANK YOU for sending it!! It really helps me and makes me feel better after getting shitty hate🥺💞 Thank you sm for sending this in, it means so much to me💞

Also i need to know how to block anons?!??! Bc holy shit that would solve all my tumblr problems

[goyangii]

i feel u so much on your thoughts about being constantly asked for your pronouns (regarding ur tags on that post i mean)... it's so infuriating!!!! this is why ive found a bit of peace chatting w older women, because they never Ever ask. they're Sane and can tell im female and will call me petnames and feel comfy and joke around. genderists r legitimately insane sorry for the rant i am just an angry gnc woman today (and always)

omfg this is probably hella late (im sorry!! i use tumblr on mobile 99% of the time so don't see the notif) but yesss omfg. it is so frustrating hanging out w/ women my age bc they are visibly uncomfortable with me and it gets depressing. it rly is insane and your anger is completely totally justified!!! older women can be very based and poggers <3

ive had some mixed experiences with older women, esp older asian (and specifically older korean) women who view my being gnc as "not taking care of myself" and always have something to say about me not having a bf/husband/children as a cryptkeeper in her mid-20s lol. but on the whole i can agree they don't buy into gendie shit for the most part and it is refreshing that at the least even if they criticize/are uncomfortable with me, we aren't debating the basic reality that i am female (that's usually the entire reason they're uncomfortable — a gnc female wouldn't be gnc if she were male).

i hope to one day have such solidarity with older women ;_; most usually pity me as they think i'm the way i am due to a history of sexual trauma and it gets depressing lmao. like, i've been friends with a (now ex-) tim since my gendie days and i've met his mom a few times — she used to vent to me about his transition lol — and his mom couldn't understand why i didn't want to perform femininity, wasn't interested in makeup, didn't wear skirts, etc. until he let slip at some point that i had a history of sexual trauma and abuse. it literally took that for her to stop bringing it up, and still it kind of upsets me that so many ppl can't get that some ppl are just...naturally gnc? like she understood and empathized with my experiences prolly on the basis that females as a class can understand what it's like to be sexually victimized by males, but can't fathom being gnc outside of a trauma response. which is so irritating bc i'm 100% certain this doesn't happen to men? like nobody looks at rupaul and is like "ah yes these men must've been sexually abused" so why do so many women assume being gnc is the product of trauma. my own mom believes this too and drops hints every so often that i'm "really a pretty girl underneath it all" and my relatives, including male ones, say that if i only wore more feminine clothing/embraced being feminine i'd "reach my potential" which is so. idk how to even put it into words LMAO. idk if you experience this as well but it drives me up the fucking wall

fwiw men, older men included, are even worse abt this all so i can't even get mad at older women in comparison. but god. i wish non-gnc women in general understood femininity as separate from being female.

[waynedunlaptheorgandonor]

That anon with that fucked up ask about Mmb, i hate to say it, but a lot of your posts as of late are feeding the C@ryl haters, dismissing those who aren’t as chill about the spoilers as you are as dramatic and telling people any negative theories about a female character is misogyny. You’re so smart and great at analysis and i love your writing and i usually love your meta, but, as of late, there’s an edge of mean and smug i’ve been surprised by. I get you’re frustrated w fandom, but jeez.

i 110% encourage anyone who finds my posts upsetting to unfollow or block me. i mean that genuinely. even if we're friends, i don't mind. my whole thing is that i want ppl to make fandom a place they want to be a part of, and if i'm spoiling the experience then exclude me from your narrative, that is totally fine, and i will never hold it against you.

and to be clear, i am totally understanding of people who are upset about the spoilers, and who don't wanna be positive bc they're feeling tired with everything, or they don't like the direction the characters are going, and there isn't a thing wrong with their pov. but i /do/ think there's something wrong with specifically targeting female characters and actors, however, especially when we've literally not seen anything they've done yet. there is a VAST difference between "i don't like this female character bc of X reasons that she's done in the show," vs "this woman interferes with my ship, ergo she's a bitch and she should die and i cannot believe the audacity of the actress to play such a horrible character." if you're not doing the latter then i'm not targeting you and you shouldn't be concerned.

you're never gonna see me go on a ten million words long discourse rant about this. i got all my obnoxious, militant activism out in college and am sort of at the point where i'm cynical and bitter lol. like i'll go to the protests but me and the rest of the old, cynical crew sort of just hang in the background sighing the whole time cuz we been here so long, and i'm the same way about internet discourse, which is probably why i come off as snarky. i'm too tired to teach intersectional feminism on a tumblr blog about a zombie apocalypse show, but i also have absolutely no qualms about pointing out privileged behavior when i see it. y'all are lucky i haven't bothered to touch the racism aspect, lmfao. you wanna see bitter, just try me on that one.

the point is, i'm going to be very understanding about how different people are affected by the way the story is progressing, and i am very self-aware that positivity is not what everyone wants right now, which is why i've said more than once that you definitely do not need to be up in this blog if it's upsetting you, i genuinely do not mind.

BUT!

when it comes to misogyny i am not going to be as nice. i'm not here to make you comfortable, and if me pointing out the rampant internalized misogyny not just in the caryl fandom, but p much every twd fandom (or like, any fandom that exists anywhere) makes you uncomfortable you may want to examine why that is. again, there is a clear difference between disliking a character bc you simply don't like their story and development, and disliking a character bc she's a woman and she makes you mad, and the latter don't fly on this blog, and never will

(i was telling my partner about all the spoilers, and you know what the first thing he said was? "god, i'd fucking hate to be that actress." this is not something i've made up, this is a very prominent problem, my dudes)

so i'm sorry if i seem mean, and in most circumstances i will be understanding and patient, and if you want to talk to me about a specific issue or have a specific question i will try and meet you where you're at with no judgement, but when it comes to the situation at large, i've been through this bullshit long enough (re: my entire gd life) to not have to be gentle about stuff like this anymore. especially not on my own blog. shit makes me mad, and i'm entitled to my anger, just as other people are entitled to theirs. i contain multitudes, bro, let me be a complex character, it's only fair

-diz

[jungxk]

// rant

i'm jus so heartbroken rn i've been crying for the past hour i jus need to put my feelings out there, i hope it's ok w you.

my mum wakes up today and jus starts berating me bc i didnt put washed dishes into the cabinets & the kitchen looked messy for her. i'm supposed to do it bc there's nothing else i actually do but yesterday i had woken up in the evening nd they called me to pray straight away so i totally forgot about it (coupled w the fact that i dont like doing it either cuz there's always sm dishes nd it's such a hassle). she jus started scolding me senseless nd im someone who doesnt get mad easily, even if i do i tend to stay quiet bc i dont like conflict & angry emotions are ugly. but i couldnt stop it today? she kept calling me selfish nd she's been calling me that the past few days as well bc i never help out w chores or anything. she's always asking me "what do u do for this family" or "what do u do in this house" every single time nd ofc i cant say shit bc i dont. i'm doing uni online nd it's really not that easy but bc i dont talk to my family like at all, they think i'm all good. the other day i pissed them off nd my parents straight up said "why do we need to pay for ur uni ure not doing anything anyway" & i jus... i didnt even know if i even deserve to feel sad over it. they were asking me what i wanna do after uni as if im not just in my first year & when i said im not sure they got so mad and my mum purposely said "just marry her off" to push my buttons into giving them an answer. they keep saying i'm pushing them into being the worst and saying the worst to me but how is that fair? they're parents? adults? i'm jus 20 & i can control my emotions? but today really jus pushed me she got so mad at me for the littlest things nd i jus exploded. I asked her why she's mad and she's like cuz of the kitchen bla bla bla nd it got so frustrating i told her it's not my problem nd i jus wont ever eat again since all the unwashed dishes piling is my fault. nd then she got mad at me for that and scolded me. I hate being touched but mostly i hate being hit. imagine getting hit at 20 years old bc my mother is too emotionally unstable that she cant take a few seconds by herself to calm her anger down. I hate it. nd bc i said it's not my problem she came nd told me "yea it won't be ur problem when i die too! i'll make sure when i do, u never come see me." jus... what kind of parent says that? i'm so careful w what i say & i slip sometimes bc i'm human but how can a mother say that? she doesnt know anything about me. she doesn't know i dont like being hit, she doesnt know i dont like it when ppl act impulsively on emotions. sometimes i feel like i really am the problem nd that i'm really selfish. spending shit ton of money to get me to study, maybe i am selfish. i dont mind it. i know myself well enough to hate things about myself. but to have parents who barely know me as a person rather than a daughter, getting this much mad at me for smthn so simple jus makes me so sad. bc i was doing the task when she asked. she does things like this then wonders why i cant ever talk to her. entire family thinks i'm immature bc i behave exactly how they treat me. 20 years. I never ask for much. but it's starting to feel like asking to study in the uk was my greatest downfall. it feels like i dont deserve this. every day i'm itching to get away, to live alone bc they've made me feel like i can never work well in groups. it's always somehow my fault as if they havent been invalidating me nd my feelings since birth.

nd i can never tell them all these bc i'm never confident in them. i'm never confident in whether i would be accepted nd comforted without ridicule or scolding. my brother & father tell me it's like that, that jus bc i may get a scolding shouldn't stop me from being open. but what kind of stupidity is that? my mother who makes me feel like the world is ending when i accidentally break smthn, that it wasn't an accident but rather it's me nd that i jus cant do a good job— where is the comfort i can ever find coming to her w a problem?

nd bc of that we're not close. bc of that she's closer to my cousins & everyone else really. they've never concerned themselves to talking about family issues w me but when i dont know, they shame me, saying i never bother to ask— how would i know when to ask? should they be telling me when there's smthn going on?

this makes the concept of family so repelling for me. there is inherently no reason to ever have a child that isnt selfish or self fulfilling. what they do as parents is to make them feel as important nd respected as they expect from the child. but it's never like that w south asians. emotions dont exist if ure the child nd apparently getting mad is a norm nd shouldn't stop u from being emotional w someone.

at times i tell myself that i should pay back every penny my parents spent on me. bc sometimes it feels like it's being used to make me act or feel a certain way. i dont wanna feel this way. theyre my parents, i know theyre good people. but i'm so hurt by the things going on nd the things from the past. my mother invalidates me sm. she more or less kinda blamed me for feeling useless and depressed last year. my brother was telling her to go easy on me nd she got so mad & frustrated bc she didnt know what she was doing wrong. "if she feels so useless why doesnt she do anything about it?" like that was such a golden chance for her to have comforted me nd i couldve opened up? but she ruined it nd hurt me again.

last year i lived w her alone nd my dad was in our home country. I was having some troubles w him gone but i dont call or text bc... it always felt like a drag. it never felt like a conversation nd the only time it did was when i complained to him about my mum. so much shit happened between my mum and i & this person advised me to jus write some of my feelings to her. so i wrote her a long letter nd i included saying how not having my dad was hard on me too. flash forward im in my home country & w my dad. i know nobody here bc i didnt grow up here. i'm doing online uni & basically have to stay indoors cuz of covid. she brings that letter up when she was to berate me nd it jus feels so uncomfortable for me? like ok my actions dont line up but i wrote that cuz i was looking for comfort nd understanding. if i knew it was going to be held against me, i would not have done it? "u said it was so hard for u without him, so what do u even do for him here now?"— what can i do? i'm just 20 nd the situation im in is not normal? i'm grateful to be w my dad again but what can i do? &it always freaking comes down to house chores. i try my best. when our maid doesnt come i do my best w my tasks. i know it's not enough but i jus... i dont even know. ig that part of me is selfish nd lazy.

it's so suffocating here. all my feelings are bottled up nd im so scared what that would do to me in the future. but at least i know i'm too selfish to ever spend the rest of my life w someone.

sorry for the long rant. i hope this didnt ruin ur mood or anything i jus need an outlet nd ur blog jus feels so comforting nd welcoming. thank u for listening to me nd my feelings. God bless u really kssjdjsj

i’m rlly sorry this is happening to you bby. idk what race u are but this sounds so much like that asian mentality where emotions are black and white and comfort in any way is out of the question. ur still rlly young tho so ur relationship with ur parents has room to improve i promise. i think it’s rlly important for u to move out whenever u can tho bc that’s what rlly improves the relationship. having said this i do think the way your mum talks to u/treats u is emotionally and mentally abusive so whether you want to uphold that tie with her in the future is ur choice i just rlly hope u get somewhere safe and away from ur family soon x

[pharahlesbian]

Hello! This isn't meant to be hate, I'm just genuinely confused as fuck. Why do you hate ace people? And to the point that you put it in your bio? If there's some personal reason, like one of them hurt you, you don't have to be specific or anything. Do you just think that they're not lgbt? I'm sorry, I just really don't understand. Your problem is...we don't think people look all too fuckable?

well lol the issue here is your last statement. you really think the average non ace person is out here looking at someone they just met and being like “wow that person is so FUCKABLE!”

i think youll find that the majority of ppl will think someone is cute, get to know them, become friends, and then eventually have sex. some ppl do this process quicker, some dont.

i think its really damaging that many asexuals seem to have the opinion that everyone else is so sexed up and ready to fuck at first sight like its a damn pokemon battle that they look at themselves and theyre like well damn im not like that, guess i must be ace. when the reality is that they just have a different approach to sexual attraction and eventually sex itself, like literally every single person on earth. thats why u get soooo many ppl who at some point were ace before realizing they werent. and why a HUGE majority of asexuals are female. i saw a stat page once, it was wild. women are already so oversexualized in media and society, that of course an impressionable young woman is gonna grow into their body and feel extremely uncomfortable, may even feel violated. so sex is immediately off the table.

i agree with a lot of asexuals whose agenda focuses on the de sexualization of our society, and the destigmatization of not desiring sex. i fully believe in those things. but i do not believe asexuality should be an identity. i feel as though that is regressive. not wanting sex should be as normal as not wanting pineapple on pizza. u shouldnt need a new identity for that. anybody can have that preference. and preferably in the comfort of their own bedroom with their partner. since no one needs to know the details of your sex life lol.

so yeah i dont think asexuals are lgbt, but the issue runs deeper than that for me. and asexuals advocating endlessly to be a part of the lgbt community is a step in SUCH a wrong direction that it frustrates me. that should not be your societal focus lol. advocate for destigmatization, advocate against the sexualization of every little thing in the media. hell, advocate for sex education. not wanting sex and also learning how to say no should be paramount in sex ed. its unfortunate how horrible sex ed can be.

the point is, yall want the wrong stuff and its very sad and annoying. i would love for our society to become less sex obsessed. i myself dont need sex to live and breathe. and that is NORMAL. u are not demi ace for having sex once a month with your partner. just an example. but yeah it just angers me to no end, but no one ever hears me out because everyone just wanna be mad and they wanna be special so bad and over focus on the identity aspect and get their rocks off calling me pathetic while hiding behind an anonymous face (lol the irony) and never ever think of the bigger picture

anyway im done. i dont expect u to understand really because no one ever wants to. and the only change that will ever come about is corporations will start realizing how vocal aces are and will start using yall in their advertising and youll all be like “oreos for the win!!” and meanwhile 14 year old girls will still be thinking theyre asexual because theyre not busty oily 27 year olds surrounded by men in a coors light ad. im out ✌️

[wuvbug-kny]

Also can I get yandere headcanons for Giyuu and Tanjirou with a s/o who behaves like a brat but actually is very shy and cute?💕(something similar to tsundere)SFW and NSFW, please!💓

of course, love ! however, i have a new policy though which is i wont be writing nsfw headcanons or prompts for underaged characters, nor will i be aging them up if they’re a minor in the first place. yes, i have wrotten nsfw for underage characters in kny before but ive only done it three or two times (im not sure, somewhere in between.) the reason being because when i first started this blog i had a very very big goal to make everyone happy on here to where i kind of went out of my comfort zone >.< i was never comfortable with writing nsfw for underage characters in the first place. even though ppl can argue and say its okay since im a minor myself, it still doesnt sit right with me. im sorry for this long explanation and sudden inconvenience, but i hope you can all respect my decision ! every adjustment i make on this blog is to help it become better. i love you guys so much, thank you for understanding !

💓 tanjirou 💓

sfw (*´ω`*)

because tanjirou is good with keeping his patience intact and keeps his controlling and manipulative side lowkey to where nobody notices, he honestly would never really punish you if you were to act bratty or so

rEASON BEING because youre just so cute and precious !! as much as you may act sassy and bratty in a way that ticks him off, because there are people around he cant do much about it. plus his anger and irritation towards you wears off sooner or later because well,, you have your charms !

the only times tanjirou would actually punish you (ex: verbal abuse, physical abuse, alienating you from others, cold shoulder) is when you’d really really piss him off. whether it be you getting him jealous without the intention to or not being compliant when he really needs you to be, those are the situations you cant work yourself out of with your cuteness.

other than that, you’re his precious smol soft baby that he wants to protect forever! honestly, your shyness is an advanatage to him because then you’ll only cling onto him out of everyone. it makes him happy.

💓 giyuu 💓

sfw （＾ν＾）

youre so shy, cute, and just vulnerable in general it makes him want to protect you with everything he has.

personally in his perspective, he is the only one who can take advantage of your shyness! anyone who tried to do otherwise will meet a very gruesome fate.

you, being bratty? honestly, with giyuu its very unlikely. giyuu is very strict and scary when he is mad so you being bratty is something that doesnt cross your mind often. but when you are in a bratty mood and just dont want to be compliant with him, then its a problem.

sometimes you can put on an attitude on purpose, and sometimes it just happens.

nsfw (☝︎ ՞ਊ ՞)☝︎

times when you are bratty, giyuu doesnt handle it well. he doesnt like when you’re uncompliant and dont do what he says. it frustrated him knowing that his control towards you is not going through that thick head of yours, so he resorts the ultimate punishment: overstimulation

you hate overstimulation with a burning passion. sex is nice, yeah, but when it gets too much it just makes you feel super uncomfortable ! your body is shaking all over and no matter how much you beg him to stop for a second, his only reply towards that is “you were technically asking for this,” “this is what you deserve,” etc

lots of degrading and so on too ><

even though overstimulation may be one of the worst punishments you could recieve, the aftercare is something you look forward to the most. its full of cuddles and lots of kisses and sweet uplifting words like ‘i love you’ and ‘you’re so pretty’ !

[like-sands-of-time]

maybe im just used to the concept of

beards and celebs never getting to truly be 100% themselves at all times from my other fandoms but im really not that phased by Timmy's PR relationship.. like, I kinda want to know what's going through some of the intense stans minds that y'all are so thoroughly pissed at him all the time(particularly last month) when he's literally doing what he's contractually obligated to. i mean if anyone sees this and is in that boat pls feel free to respond to this or jump in my dms I promise I'll be respectful.

that being said, timothée chalamet is a brand name. his agent, his team, they sell him both to the public and to directors, hiring cast, other big actors, anyone who is important enough to get him somewhere. those who manage him have decided this is the route he needs to take to make it big. it has absolutely nothing to do with his talent that's just how this market works.

it's why a lot of ppl hate it sure but unless YOU the audience collectively say stop it isn't ok for them to have to lie to seem interesting to us all the time they're not going to. they lie because they're giving the ppl what they say they want. you may think it's stupid but gullible fans do look at actors and go "oh they're together?? wow I wanna see the movie that sparked that!" or "wow those two look really good together I wanna support their joint project!!".

it is a real thing ppl really think or charmie stans wouldn't exist either. y'all saw their chemistry and now you support them together and also their separate projects. that movie brought in lots of new fans for them both. why are you so mad they're continuing to do they with Timmy now? the only reason I can think is cos you really love your ship and all the others are a threat to it.

I like charmie and I think the two of them have a genuine chemistry and connection they goes far beyond the bounds of normal co-workers or even best friends. I think they fit together bc they shared emotional and physical experiences that fostered that connection and I think they will be close their whole lives.

that doesn't mean I think all of what Timmy has said his own opinions are are fake bc his manager happens to believe this is the best route for him.. they doesn't mean I fully understand why someone openly gay like brian would encourage Timmy to be so openly cringy heterosexual (cough all of those pics where he just looks so so uncomfortable). but I do have to say that just bc someone's gay doesn't mean they respect others, doesn't mean they can handle anyone elses situation let alone a very talented young actors, and I don't know his history maybe he has a reason for trying to shelter Timmy *shrugs*. that whole discussion about how Brian should act based on his own life is so weird we really don't know anything about that so honestly it isn't relevant...

it also doesn't mean I agree with every single thing Timmy does in his life but then again I never thought I would from the start..? you can't raise someone up so high, have such strict expectations for the ways they can and should act/think and then get pissed at them if they happen to not respond like that or even change and grow.

you need to understand that even big names still get paired with former costars(sometimes YEARS after a project--i can think of so many), still do strictly promo relationships that end afterwards. for whatever reason it's a fact of life and it's no more Timmy's fault that your own as the buyer of that product for existing.

[briteboy]

using the new tag “sunny answers” for these anon ask compilations as per request of an anon who actually enjoys going through these posts! this one’s 4 u bb 💕

omg there’s a lot of questions here, more than i thought there’d be. rando story stuff, leftovers from the Trans Fiasco (and no i will 100% NOT be answering anymore questions about it after this, aside from the non-anons who already messaged me about it), and some astrology questions towards the end! enjoy

I seriously love & understand santi's mind but at the same time I feel so bad for Lou (I love her more ok) and I just wanna hug her and grant all her wishes and fill her void and give her 9999 amazing lovers Idk SANTI Y U LIKE THIS hahahaha ok sorry your story is my bible basically. Other than Ramona to live for Lou needs someone that stays LOU NEEDS HAPPINESS!!!!!

9999 AMAZING LOVERS LMAO will u be the 10,000th tho...that is the question. i think we all relate to santi, so much in fact that his actions are infuriating because it’s like WHYYY but then i’m like oh wait i do dumb shit too when i’m sad/in pain. he still dumb tho she does need happiness, and hopefully she will find it in this story ;__;

I'm so hyped for everything happening w your sims omg! Like I'm so so excited about Lou's story and her family (which I sent asks about before btw so that tells you) and I'm so excited about Rooney and Gianni and bby Ramona going to Japan (which is literally my fav country so my love for you and your blog just deepens with every second) and Santi just getting better somewhere (where? We don't know. And I think that's the beauty of it) I just ugh. Love your blog

OMGGGG AHHHDSGJHD THIS EXCITES ME SO MUCH THANK YOOOOUUUU I’M EXCITED THAT YOU’RE EXCITED!!! i hope you enjoyed her family reveal today, there is much to still divulge in that area so strap the f*ck in. i have a really clear vision of what i want their japan experience to look like and hopefully it translates into the sims!! who freaking knows tho. i’m glad you’re looking forward to it either way. and yeah who tf knows where santi is right now. “going home” my ASS!! but yeah it is all beautiful in a way ;-; thank you so much my love for u deepens every second i reread this message, you’re so sweet ;__;

(TFB anon again aaaa) OKAY SO i could be wrong because you know him much better than i do obvioisly, but Grand Finale from the new album is giving me some santi vibes rn MMMMMM

HEY!!! i finally listened to the album and honestly...idk how i feel about it BUT i actually did like grand finale, and now that i’m listening to it again i can definitely sense the santi vibes!! (he has been listening to it nonstop since it came out ok) i love that u thought of him ;__; 

I got a retail job two weeks ago. And I hate it. I keep telling myself it’ll get better and then it just gets worse. It’s my first job and I just don’t know what to do. Any advice?

oh god. i don’t wanna be a downer but i don’t have much advice for this, retail SUUUUCKS. working in retail opens your eyes to just how stupid, helpless and annoying people can be. it’s not pretty. it CAN get better if you have coworkers you genuinely enjoy spending time with, who can lessen the burden of your responsibilities. joking around can help a lot, so if you’re not friends with them already, try to be!! just talk to them and i’m sure a relationship will grow. also remember it’s not the end of the world if this job doesn’t work out for you. you can find a new one, and you probably will at some point in the future. i’m gonna point you towards @essiesims because she works in retail so she probably has some words of wisdom for you...hopefully...be nice essie

I just realized my new haircut looks exactly like Fiona's hair and I'm 10x happier with it

GOOD!!! i love her hair, mine is sort of like it right now, messy and short lmao. if bby fiona makes you feel more confident by all means OWN dat haircut, you’re sexi

Can I ask if you watch Dan Howell? Bc his new video about his depression actually broke me and I need someone to hug

no i don’t but i googled him and my first thought was “OHH that’s the dan guy who’s gay with phil or whatever” i honestly don’t know who they are but i’ve seen a lot of gifs of them. i’m sorry his vid made you sad :{ U CAN HUG ME I’M ALWAYS HERE FOR U

I just wanted to let you know that I think you're absolutely amazing, and so creative, and your stories are beautiful. I have loved everything you've created, and you're sims are all so beautiful, and the stories are so heart-wrenching, and so well written, and I'm just so absolutely obsessed. I have your notifications on, and I get so excited every time I see you've posted something. :D Keep working hard, and be happy :)

omg ;____________; thank you so soso much ur gonna make me CRY i create everything for myself, but it makes it all feel 1000x more worth it to know it’s affected you this way and you’re enjoying it so much. my heart hurts in the best way. the fact that you have your NOTIFS ON FOR ME OMG i’m so sorry that i probably spam you so much with random asks and stuff. you’re probably like “when will this b*tch shut up” lmfao no but really this is so kind and sweet and it makes me feel warm inside, thank you so much <333

Can I get a link to your story in Chrono order? I'm on my phone and I'm not quite sure how to do it on here ^^'

here u go, or if you can’t click on it, copy and paste this: http://femmesim.tumblr.com/tagged/story/chrono as a general rule, you can go to any tag and add “/chrono” (no quotation marks) at the end and it’ll take you to the beginning.

hi femme! im sorry this is from older posts but how did you get ramona to look the way she did as a baby? thanks in advance!

hello i explained that here!

DEMI GIRL REPRESENTATION YES ILY

HELL YEAH ILY TOOOO

But if you were cisphobic you have a phobia of like a veeeery big part of the population o.o??? Still don't understand that ist even a thing

true! the reason cis people hold the must power in this equation is due large in part to the fact that they are a huge part of the population. so yeah it’s definitely not a thing.

What's cisgender??? Never heard of that

me neither tbh (but if ur not being sarcastic, here)

I love you sunny. Just so you know

Hey Sunny I love you 💕

HEY I LOVE YOU TOOOOO (you both sent this during the Trans Fiasco, and i fully appreciate your kindness in that bleak time)

yikes that anon was obnoxious as hell

this was also during the Trans Fiasco and yeah u right!

What mod do you use to make your sims taller? 😊

this one!

mom why does love hurt so much 😥

no one knows mi childe but i am here for u

^^ me goin after whoever hurt u

I literally just had such a bad nightmare I woke up, scared myself when I tried to reach for my phone and instead accidentally groped my poodle; which resulted in a panic attack. It’s 5am. Please help. I can obviously not take care of myself

GROPED YOUR POODLE OHMDFHOGODFSG I’M SO SORRY POODLE that sucks tho i’m so sorry about the nightmare and the poodle and the panic attack and EVERYTHING, that’s not fun :{ hopefully you got some rest and calmed down since you sent this. if not come to my house we can have a sleepover i will take care of u

I also have a large bra size (32H) and I'm still young so it's still growing.

OH WOOW ARE U OKAY BECAUSE I HAVE A DIFFICULT ENOUGH TIME HAVING DD’S

@that anon - not all trans ppl even experience dysphasia just admit Defeat

right! i think u meant dysphoria tho. maybe. unless you’re talking about something i don’t know about. but yeah you’re right, every trans person is different. a lot of them do want to change things about themselves, but not all.

hey im goin through an assholes blog and reblogging their posts with confusing internet funnyman comments, saw hate for your blog and decided to send you some support. keep doing what you love with your characters and content ❤❤ -♌🌿

LMAO HEY LEO LEAF were u going through that rando dude’s blog when the Trans Fiasco was happening? because there was some super weird ass blog dedicated to reblogging posts from nonbinary folks and people talking about nonbinary shit and just telling them they’re wrong and transphobic for not believing in the gender binary lmao...so anyways...if that’s not what ur talking about tho i’m sorry i just filled ur ears with that nonsense anyway thank you for this message, it’s so sweet ;__; sorry i didn’t answer it right away, i was recovering from the amount of ugly anons i was getting lmao. thank you for supporting me, ily <333

More Avey pls she's the light of my life

ASDFJHHJKSD SHE WILL APPEAR MUCH MORE JUST TO MAKE THE TROLLS MAD OKAY I LOVE U 💕💕

If another dumbass anon messages you about some silly shit regarding transgenders I’m going to scream. No. Not every trans person wants to transition physically— and no they don’t all want to stereotypical versions of whatever gender they identify with. I know a trans-male that wears makeup and twirls in dresses, and I know a trans-female that loves being a butch lesbian. Personally. I am glad that you’ve chosen to go the route that you have with your character. Fuck the ditsy assholes.

HEY I LOVE YOU AND THIS MESSAGE SO MUCH THANK YOU <33333 ur right, fuck them, they’re ugly anyway

Hey so I'm not like these other anons, I'm asking this as someone has next to no experience with trans people and actually wants to be educated instead of attack you. So if there are some trans people who don't transition and are comfortable with how they look, what exactly makes them uncomfortable with their birth gender?

a number of things, mainly just their discomfort with the category they’ve automatically been placed in from birth. but that doesn’t necessarily mean they want to change their body or dress a certain way.

I just wanna applaud you for handling the anons so calmly because I know for certain if they sent me that shit, my trans ass would have acted differently.

LMFAO omg i’m glad you thought i was being calm because i was like “well i guess it’s time to let out my bitchy side” thank you tho, i’m grateful you understand <3

I'm so sorry that Nonnie was such an ass! I wish we had more people speaking up and saying it loud like you did! It was pretty obvious that person has issues that a Tumblr post won't fix but it was nice to see you put them in there place :)

lmao yeah, after a few questions from them i figured it was just pointless. people like that don’t learn even if you’re trying to explain it to them calmly. they just always want to be right by alienating others, and they don’t even realize what they’re doing most of the time. it’s sad really, but i tried my best (and also tried my best not to unleash all my rage lmao) thank you <3

how can Ramona be sooo cute as a toddler?? like how? whats the secret

vitamins

lmao but really IDK i experimented a lot with her face at first and making a custom skin for her definitely helped too. :~}

/post/166031605558/the-pros-cons-of-dating-my-sim-ciarasia *gives Fiona a Beetlejuice & Ghostbusters and a Dexter dolls and stuffed animals and dolls verisons* I like Fiona I think we could get along with each other *gives Lou her fav kind of band shirts and starts counting her freckles* I don't think I'm gonna go mad trying to count

THIS IS SO SWEET AFKJDSKJNGJKLDLGD YOU’RE THEIR SOULMATE i’m gonna write u into the story now u made it

 I know a girl with heterochromia and she also has two different ear shapes. Sometimes I feel like she was meant to be a twin but she absorbed the other one lol. I feel like a weirdo sorry bye.

UR NOT A WEIRDO!!! omg that is funny tho, and very interesting. i wonder if a lot of ppl with heterochromia eyes are like that, with other two different body parts. i’m the twin she absorbed

if you're still doing astrology posts, I'm a Sun-Aries, Moon-Leo and Rising- Scorpio! I'm slowly getting into astrology but i still don't know what that means lol

OOOH SPICY flaming hot cheetos

aries + scorpio are both ruled by mars and then leo is ruled by the sun so holy heck you are probably WAY OUT THERE and by that i mean super outgoing probably, but maybe your scorp rising makes you a bit withdrawn and secretive, so people have to get close to you before they really see you come out. leo moon is one of my favorite placements because it’s so weird, but often i find leo moons can be even more exuberant than leo suns. you probably have a flair for dramatics and love attention even though you might deny it. you really march to the beat of your own drum, but be careful not to be condescending to others about it!!

oh my god all of this astrology stuff is so interesting! idk if you're still doing them, but if you are i'd love to hear about mine: virgo sun, scorpio moon and scorpio rising :) it's totally okay if you're sick of doing these and i'm in no rush to get an answer!

oooooh my mom and beyonce both have virgo sun/scorp moon combos. that’s how u know it’s a good one even tho it seems scary. i find that virgos often have the potential to be very in charge and domineering, but a lot of them bury that potential because they don’t realize they have it inside themselves, and so they let people walk all over them. especially with a scorpio moon, you crave intensity in all forms: through your emotions, relationships, deepest, darkest thoughts, you feel them so powerfully that sometimes it’s too scary and overwhelming for you. learn to trust in that instead of being scared and you will open a new door in your life, especially in combination with your virgo sun, whose inclination is to learn new things and get to the bottom of every mystery. with a scorpio moon AND rising, you are actually that mystery. you might spend a lot of time trying to figure out yourself, but don’t get too introspective because that leads to overthinking and self deprecation.

hey yo i don't need you to do the thing but I'd just like to inform you that i'm a pisces sun leo moon...which is the strangest combo but totally makes sense for my personality. i don't know what any of the other stuff is lmao. but i got a book on astrology so i'm going to learn

OMG i love that combo...it is really weird but somehow the two suit each other. lou and my bff are actually leo sun/pisces moons (so opposite from you lmao, but that’s the reason i like those signs together!) leos have a very active imaginations and pisces just exacerbates that. i feel like in terms of boldness and outgoing nature, it could go either way for you. since pisces suns are usually more understated and quiet, that could fit you. but i often find that leo moons with literally any other placements will make you quite outgoing, sometimes obnoxious. so maybe you flip flop between shyness and outgoingness, especially since pisces focuses on adaptability anyway. 

omg yay yes learn all the things!! report back to me if u find out any cool stuff

I don't know if you're still doing this but if you are please do my birth chart, Virgo sun, Taurus moon, and Rising Sagittarius (if you're not doing them anymore it's fine

oh dang u earthy as F*CK. i would hate to get on your bad side, you are probably stubborn as hell and refuse to move from any position you hold. your sagittarius rising also probably makes you warm and inviting but competitive as heck. these are the two earth signs that i actually think go with sag really well! for some reason they always have a weird connection. i’ve talked about it a bit before. you are probably super chill and people like to hang out with you because you just do nothing and be homebodies but still have a good time. you might be prone to worry and restlessness, but listen to your intuition that tells you to calm down and focus on taking things slow.

Okay so I'm apparently a Leo sun, Scorpio moon and a Leo ascendant. What does this even mean help me lmao

OOH WOW ANOTHER SPICY BOY...honestly the first word that came to mind was “battleborn”. lmao you’re probably always looking for something/someone to keep up with your pace and stimulate your needs, and you probably get discouraged a lot because no one can ever match your wild personality. you can probably be overbearing without even realizing, and because of that, not many people can handle you. like i said before, scorpio moons crave intensity, and leos are already intense in their own way, so these two signs (especially the double leo influence) just really kinda egg each other on. so be careful not to get too carried away with doing The Most all the time.

[leaveharmony]

** this got mad towards the end and it wasn't a targeted sort of mad at anyone in particular so much as a tired & probably-stemming-from-always-having-thing-I-enjoy-and-the-way-I-engage-with-it belittled sort of mad.  And as my father has always taught me, having or expressing emotions is shameful and wrong, so sorry.

Idk I think it's like....harder for me to cast judgement RE: ~cheating scandals~ or w/e because it goes back to it all being completely theoretical to me. No one's ever, face to face, at any time in any way expressed any kind of romantic interest in me whatsoever, I've never been in a relationship of any kind.  It hasn't come up, and that's fine. ��Whether this is a case of you cannot miss what you've never had or whether I'm just like....a broken empty vessel for whom the yearning for human contact has gone beyond recall or desire, I dunno, and it doesn't concern me.  This isn't a pity me statement or an uwu secret crush notice me statement, I literally don't care at this point and tbh can't remember ever having done so.

Probably my oldest friend at this point, she....like as long as I've known her she's dated married men almost exclusively (and this started when we were both in highschool, when she was screwing around w/ her married english teacher - something I now understand was shocking predatory behaviour and probably statutory rape besides, but she does not acknowledge it as such so bring it up isn't my place).  She's been seeing the current one for at least three years now, I think, and he's married.  It's certainly an uncomfortable thing, and god knows I don't believe he could possibly think much of her or his wife if he's been doing this for so long and never once manned up and been honest or seriously considered ending his marriage.  But it's her life and we don't talk much anymore anyway, so I've never felt like it was my job or my place to be her therapist RE: holy shit what the fuck is wrong with you why do you do this to yourself and how could you do this to someone else?

Like full disclosure she started ‘seeing’ that english teacher when we were sort of puppy love internet-together (another long story but she wanted to or at least said she did and I sorta went along with it cos I didn't want to hurt her feelings...which of course, then it certainly seemed v. much like she didn't have many of, considering within a week she was having it off w/ someone else...again, this was a detached ‘Oh’ kind of moment, not really connected to any real hurt as she had instigated this and I hadn't really felt anything myself...it was upsetting in a sort of, ‘so this is what people do when they tell you they love you, that is disappointing but I guess life is not fiction’ kind of way but not in a ‘how could you, I love you’ kind of way.  As a first/only experience it could have gone better tbh, but it certainly gave me the right level of expectation afa being used & discarded when someone more convenient came along).

It's possible that most of the people I have ever known have just been fundamentally really bad at relationships and so I just sort of assume this is a normal thing; my father is an abusive shitbag and we're inescapably trapped with him, grandpa was a sort of...disinterested stick in the mud with a frightening temper for whom my grandmother gave up all her interests in sports and the outdoors because he did not share them.  Wabs never married, Tosh told me like she was expecting a pat on the back and a medal that she'd been faithful to her husband as he died of cancer 'even though she  ‘didn't have to be.’  And my instinctive reaction wasn't GOOD FOR YOU so much as it was “....what?!” but again...I didn't speak, because what the fuck do I know?  Maybe ppl run off and start seeing other ppl as soon as their partners get so much as a headcold all the time.

Ppl just sorta get abused and trampled and left and cheated on and discarded, or they do the same to others, and it just looks like a hell of a mess I'm well out of, tbh.  Which I guess is another reason...unless somebody's getting beat or otherwise abused, I feel like it's none of my business.  So honestly, “Tana slept around when he was single and one day some chick he canoodled with for like two months stabbed him for it” is filed under “Yeah that'll happen, thank god he didn't die” rather than “Hahahahaha karma amiright he totes deserved it, domestic abuse and attempted murder are hilarious when they’re directed at men who’re full of themselves!”

Nobody needs to tell me to have low fuckin' expectations for men, ok, I live under the boot of one of their idiot kings.  Tell me Tana fatshames his family for eating, tell me he gaslights them or acts like when they’re hurt or injured they’re making it up to personally inconvenience him, tell me they have to rigidly control their emotions around him to avoid setting off his violent temper, and ok.  Tell me he's a bigot, tell me he hits his family, tell me he hates women, tell me he's a rapist, ok.  But like...’he had a lot of sex and probably hurt people's feelings’ is not really high on my list of cardinal offenses b/c as far as I can tell, that's fucking everyone.  It isn't like he still does, it isn't like he's not tried to put it behind him and grow from it and be better.  It's practically his motto.   Why is ‘I acted in a shitty way but I'm trying to atone and I still look back and feel guilty about it’ only an admirable, affirming  thing to aspire to when it's a tumblr post & not when a guy is straight up saying it?  Which he has, on multiple occasions.  Can't change the past, can only try to learn from it.

At.  Least.  He.  Fucking.  Tries.

When has redneck george ever walked back his comments about gay ppl or his Islamophobia, when has Lesnar?  Beyond a token apology and chasing it w/ a dozen I'M NOT A RACIST THO interviews when has Hogan really acknowledged the depths of how he fucked up?  When did Warrior apologize for his vile bigotry, where's Elgin sincerely regretting being a fucking piece of shit dragging a rape victim's name through the mud?  Jericho's response to ‘hey maybe you shouldn't be advertising your cruise by saying there will be loads of bikini-clad women there available for you to ogle’ was essentially ‘are you triggered, bro, y so srys?’ and at no point did he objections seriously.  Orton never so much as thinks for two seconds before condemning BLM protesters or footballers who take the knee, AND he voted for Trump, but other than hollowly chanting that he's not a racist while blatantly doing things that are racist, silence.  Honma beat his girlfriend, Snuka murdered his partner, Austin smacked Debra around, Angle got stoned out of his mind and broke into his ex's apartment, X-Pac hit Chyna, exactly how often do they refer back to what happened, when did they apologize or express regret or even acknowledge any of it?  I mean I guess Benoit can't, what with the fucking suicide after he bashed in Nancy's skull and murdered his son.

Ppl have different things they can tolerate and forgive, is I guess my point, or at least one of them.  Which is fine!  I mean...I'd sure fucking side-eye anybody who writes any of the above a pass, but, I guess everybody's stories and reasons are different.

I like Tana.  I'm a fan of his.  Ok?  Like it probably sounds like I think he's a flawless angel crowned with light b/c compared to my fucking father, he IS.  It doesn't mean I'm being willfully blind to mistakes he's made or that I'm absolving him of every sin he's ever committed.  I think he's a good person and it's heartening and encouraging that he's in the world and if saying so without adding 18 asterisks about past behaviour and an disclaimer acknowledging all men as shit and all people as inherently flawed makes me a gullible childish ~fangirl~ than ok, I guess I am.  Everybody knows my tags for wrestling/wrestlers, which are there as much as a courtesy to anybody who needs to blacklist as they are a filing system for me (that’s why there’s a catch-all!  For ppl I haven’t thought up tags for yet or don’t intend to!), and tumblr savior is right there if me being silly about my favs in my own space bothers everybody so fucking much, god knows it wouldn't be the first time I set somebody cringing and they had to tune me out before they quietly dropped my ass like a particularly stupid puppy on a country road.  That I am a sloppy fawning emotional mess of untreated neurosis who hyperfixates on things & people who make me feel halfway hopeful for entire minutes at a time & gets stupidly overexcited about stuff isn't new information to me, so if you can't deal with that then... Well...sorry, honestly.  Like sincerely.  I know how I am and I try not to be but I can't help it sometimes when I like something.  Don't feel bad about leaving if you don't want to deal with it, cos I get it, honestly.  Have exactly zero (0) guilt feelings about it.  I’m a fundamentally repulsive creature, ppl have hard limits on how long they can put up with me, and so it has always been, and so it goes.

[broom-service]

ugh i had to read what he said

P much just going to compile the nonsense being said into one post since I’m now magically unblocked. It’s long.

i cant @ him so if anyone’s wondering it’s about this garbage can of a post

http://altimux.tumblr.com/post/161225497413/apologies-for-this-not-being-under-a-readmore-im

I dont belong in this fandom i have nothing to lose. Besides im fucking sick of the problematic shit going unchecked in this fandom.

You constantly insist that you don’t belong or aren’t in the fandom...but you never really leave........I think the only thing stopping you is your sick need to be creepy and keep tabs on ppl you don’t like.

I have more to say about it than either of you. All you are going on about is hearsay. I’m a motherfucking witness. So sit down and shut your asses up.

This sounds like the cheap knockoff generic brand version of the navy seal copypasta.

You’re about as much of a witness as I was, as you joined the chat after the stuff you’re talking about happened.

You know why im getting involved? This shit has happened before with at least 4 other people and im fucking tired of it.

You’re getting involved because that’s all you know how to do. It’s like you’re only function on this website, man.

You like to weasel your way into situations that result in fallout that you’re not capable of handling. You start shit with people, they get mad, and you backpedal and claim you’re a boohoo sad victim bc people /understandably/ get pissed at you.

You do vindictive, manipulative, impulsive stuff then claim to be morally superior because people react in a way that isn’t nice or “civil”.

You exacerbate everything, stalk people’s blogs looking for any minor slip up or personal post  that you can vague them for because they’re manipulative or something or make a lazy callout post about them, you misinform relentlessly, you’re just relentless in general about being a drama-inducing nuisance.

Maybe if you didn’t leave shitstorms in your wake every single time your ugly fursona finds its way into my activity feed, you wouldn’t feel so unwelcome.

Being accused of something that the person didnt do, and getting bullied out of the fandom. And even if they did, who are they apologizing to? Most of the people in toonblr that were in the chat fucking left.

Well you did say that they joked about incest, clearly not something to joke about and is very apologize-worthy to ppl that had to see something so ugly.

The only people you can get ANY info from are people who hate Pong to begin with. Of course theyd be like “hey yeah theyre into fambly” because it opens them up to being punished.

Ok but why are you talking about this and not them. What does this have to do with you.

Oh wait, it’s because you’re so horrendously consumed by bringing down anyone vaguely affiliated with the drama you started ages ago because that’s all you seem to talk about when it comes to this fandom. You post zero content that isn’t vagues. Right. Moving on.

They could’ve made a post themselves talking about the unfortunate stuff they did in the past, and how it was something they’d like to pretend didn’t happen. If ppl didn’t trust them after, fine. No one should be forced to be ok with it.

But like, at least it would’ve been something.

Just hopping back in but being like “the tag is bad not me” is not the way to go about it, my dude. It’s almost like they’re learning from you.

I hate to get into kinkshaming culture but smth cut and dry. If y'alls wanna joke abt kinks (vore me daddy, etc) without being into them you know damn well its not fair to suddenly say “no even joking about it isnt ok youre disgusting” and then treating the person like they get off to it. Yes there are “kinks” that are illegal and arent ok to even jole about but of all things, fambly doesnt even hold a candle to it. Sure its not morally ok, but this attack on Pong isnt justified.

what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck.

did u just equate vore to being in the same realm of bad as incest?????

i just...oh man. oh man you’re digging your own grave here dude.

just do me a favor and never become a lawyer. please.

On top of that this shit was TWO YEARS AGO. How the everloving fuck do you hold someone accountable of blogging something so old ot would take eons to dig it up. People change in two years. Things they used to approve of they may be against in two years. To punish them continuously for something you heard about is VERY toxic.

You’d know a lot about toxic behavior and never letting things go wouldn’t you?

More on that down below. wink wonk.

I intervened because all that i can see happening is you get your apology and turn them into an example of what happens to toonblrs that are problematic at any point in their life.

No you intervened because you’re self-righteous and are consumed by the need to validate your obsession with someone.

Did they see the post I made themselves? Or were you on one of your nightly “lets see whomst I can make vages about today” runs and happened to see that post and took it upon yourself to relay it to them?

You were looking for an outlet to try and find ways in which I could be seen as problematic because I associate myself with that someone and that (in your mind) would validate how bad they are bc they hang out with bad and naughty toonblrs like me. Or the reverse of that.

But you’re reaching, as usual.

How much do they have to say “they dont approve of fambly” for you to believe them? That they have to apologize to people who only heard about it through others? Would you keep pushing them to bend over backwards? Or no matter what they do you’ll always see them as “a bad influence”

Just call it incest, dude. Keep the weird kink name shit out of this lol

And if they said “Hey guys I don’t approve of incest, also I’m back and a good person jsyk” I would’ve believed them.

I don’t see that as bending over backwards.

But then you had to go and do......all this.

And if Pong were to ignore you,

That shit is manipulative. Thats why i intervened. The only people that have the right to request an apology are people who were in the chat. Or is someone using you as a puppet? ;)

I can request an apology if I damn well please.

And no I’m not a puppet like...calm down dude. There’s no insidious plot made by the toonblr elite to get you and your 4 fellow former toonblr trash boys that are the only ppl that like your toonblr-related vagues.

In any case its you guys who should apologize to them. Theyre just trying to exist in the space like you are. Not only do you have no right to bring up old shit, you dont have the right to request an apology when all the information you have recieved is distorted by the biases of the people around you. Fuck off, @broom-service and @minglermail​

I’m not apologizing for anything lmao

and keep Pom out of this. They don’t deserve to deal with ur nonsense dude.

Sincerely, the “king of not letting things go”, the former mun of toon-sirshade two years ago, and current mun of @toon-cream.

Omg !!! Secret identity revealed!!! It’s almost like I worded my responses safely knowing that you, a garbageboy stinkman, would post them publicly. 

Like you, I have nothing to lose from this. I’m not the type that’s going to like....write a sincere apology and delete because shade “This Is None Of My Business But Now I Guess It Is” stinkman posted a private conversation that I went out of my way to make civil and bland as possible.

PS: vague culture is cowardly bullshit. Either talk to them or call them out.

You’ve built your identity on vagues, dude.

AT LEAST DELETE THEM BEFORE U MAKE SUCH A STATEMENT, MY GOODNESS.

thats a vague u took from a reblog blog owned by a person that is extremely uncomfortable with your stalking.

but yknow you just keep creeping on them anyway. relentlessly.

another. still stalking.

and my personal favorite one you made about me

remember when u said i was racist for making a character out of my own culture that u know nothing about?? im not gonna assume your race like you did to me but hoo boy this is a very white tumblery thing to do.

like sit the fuck down yourself dude.

God this is what made me loathe you, man. I could’ve looked past all the shit you started before but like????? You knew NOTHING about the character bc I hadn’t posted her story, NOTHING about me and my heritage, yet you just go and try to find any reason to make me seem like a shitty person.

you were planning on making a callout post as if that would’ve made me look like the bad guy, but as usual, everything you have to say has no substance and you only do things to get a reaction out of people.

and you acted so tough like ur callout was going to make me delete or something omg

jesus fucking christ i was trying to be civil but this makes my blood boil.

There are other characters people have made with strong ties to a cultural identity, and their creators haven’t gotten shit for it.

I know you targeted that character because I’m the one that made it, not because you care about racist caricatures.

It’s not a racist caricature. I based her on pictures of my fucking grandma’s outfits that she wore when she took trips to Mexico to visit her grandma. I’ve worn those dresses and those braids myself. You have no fucking clue how much that shit means to me. You’re just a sick, sad person hunting through a blog dedicated to technicolor animals just to make me look bad.

No amount of “misinformation” that’s been spread about Pong or whatever will compare to how much you’ve spread about other people or the paranoia (not even using that term lightly) you induce by your constant stalking and harassment -- however indirect it may be. Maybe you should apologize for calling me racist, rather than asking for an apology for someone else out of a misplaced and false sense of justice.

I really think you need to take a step back and try self-awareness for once.

[amylillian22]

The Secret - Cody Christian Imagine

Requested by Anon: May can you write something where the reader is a big fan of Teen Wolf/PPL (you choose) and she has a crush on Theo/Mike and now she’s dating Cody and she never told him about knowing and crushing on him/his character. And after dating for a while he, somehow, finds out and gets really mad about it? But a happy ending xx

Word Count: 2,178

Warnings: Mentions of sex 

Author’s Note: I love Cody. I need him in my life.

My Teen Wolf Masterlist

“We are here live on the red carpet for The Ryan Seacrest Foundation in San Antonio, Texas, where some of Hollywood’s biggest and favorite couples are spending their Valentine’s Day giving back and raising money for the Children’s Hospital of San Antonio,” Ryan Seacrest spoke into his E! microphone and looked directly into the camera before he turned to his left to see who was next on the red carpet. “In fact, here’s my good buddy and his girlfriend, Teen Wolf’s Cody Christian and Y/N Y/L/N. Watch your step,” Ryan offered a hand to Y/N as she picked up her dress a little and carefully walked up the steps with Cody’s hand at the small of her back, guiding her up the steps.

Hugs and handshakes were exchanged as they quickly said hello to one another before Ryan jumped back into work mode. “First of all, thank you so much for spending your Valentine’s Day with us as I’ve known you two for a while now, but I didn’t realize you two are also celebrating your ten year anniversary today!” Ryan put a hand to his mouth to cover his next words from the couple and looked directly into the camera, “I hear wedding bells soon,” he sang in a playful and jokingly kind of way as he winked at the camera.

The trio laughed. It didn’t make Cody and Y/N uncomfortable. The two have already talked about getting married someday and both knew Cody would propose when the time is right. Cody and Y/N were just 15 when they met at a book store and Cody asked her out on a date to the movies. Their relationship started off slow as Cody’s schedule was busy with Pretty Little Liars, but they made it work. They were both patient with one another, which made their relationship much stronger, meaningful, and deeper.

Ryan looked away from the camera and back to the happy couple,“ but seriously, congratulations! Not many relationships in Hollywood last this long." 

"Thank you,” Cody and Y/N said in unison before they laughed.

“What’s your secret?” Ryan asked. 

“First of all, thank you for having us,” Cody said. “We’re always here to help you when it comes to raising money for such a great cause.”

“We’re more than happy to be here,” Y/N smiled.

“As for the secret to our successful relationship, do you mind if I quote something Kevin Bacon said once during an interview when he got asked the same question about his marriage?” Cody asked.

“Not at all. Go for it,” Ryan held the microphone a little bit closer to Cody to catch every word.

“Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty,” Cody smirked.

“Cody!” Y/N playfully smacked his arm, shaking her head as everyone laughed. She looked back at Ryan, “don’t mind him. I think our relationship works so well because we definitely communicate and more importantly we’re patient with one another.”

“Which is so important because sometimes my job keeps me away from her. Sometimes I film long hours, sometimes I film in other states or countries, and she can’t always go with me. I’m so lucky to have her in my life, who not only understands me and my hectic life, but also loves me back,” Cody smiled as he wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her to his side.

“Aww,” Y/N cooed as she leaned into him. “It’s hard not to love a man who says nothing but sweet things to me.”

“You two are just too cute for words,” Ryan chuckled. “Y/N, I have to ask, what does it feel like to be in a relationship with the Cody Christian? Our researchers at E! recently found out you were actually one of Cody’s biggest fans before you met him. You used to run a Cody Christian fan blog, right?”

Y/N’s eyes widened in shock as Cody’s head snapped in her direction completely taken back and gave her a quizzical look.

Remembering she was live on national television, Y/N quickly composed herself and shook it off as if it was nothing. “Oh, gosh, Ryan, that was so long ago. But you know what? I love Cody and there aren’t enough words to express how much I love him and how proud I am of him.”

“Well, thank you so much for joining us on the red carpet and being here tonight. You two enjoy the rest of your night,” Ryan shook their hand as they exchanged quick goodbyes.

“Cody, I can explain,” she quickly whispered as she slipped her hand in his and walked down the steps.

He gripped her hand tight, working his muscles under his jaw as he gritted his teeth, “We’ll talk about this later.” He closed his eyes for a second and let out a deep frustrated sigh. In an instant, his whole demeanor changed as he plastered a fake smile on his face. “For now, smile cause we’re still on the red carpet.”

It was a little after midnight and Y/N had changed out of her red ballroom gown and into a pair of black yoga pants and one of Cody’s old hoodies. Her eyes had been puffy from crying since she got home and Cody took off without telling her where he was going. After the interview on the red carpet, they had to pretend nothing was wrong, fake smiles and laughs when they socialized with their friends and met new people.

As soon as the charity event was over, Cody and Y/N sat in the back of the car in an uncomfortable silence. The driver could feel the tension in the car and he knew a knife wouldn’t cut through it. When the driver dropped them off and drove out of their driveway, Cody got in his truck and took off without so much as looking back at Y/N. Although she knew he clearly needed to clear his mind and sort things out, she wasn’t expecting him to leave her like that. They’ve had fights before, but Cody had never walked away from one. Y/N was worried she had messed things up for good and might have lost the only good thing she had in her life.

Y/N quickly wiped away the fallen tears once she heard the back door open and close and Cody dropping his keys in the bowl on a table they had by the door. She grabbed her pillow and hugged it to her chest as she curled her body in fetal position. Cody noticed a soft light coming from underneath the bedroom door. He slowly opened the door to their shared bedroom and peeked in to see if Y/N was asleep. Her back was to him, giving him the impression she was asleep, until he saw her shoulders tremble. He was pissed at her, but hated that he caused the tears he knew were sliding down her cheeks at the moment.

He closed his eyes as he let out a deep frustrated sigh before closing the door behind him. Cody moved around the room and into the bathroom to get ready for bed. Y/N didn’t move, nor did she make a sound. With her blurry vision, she just looked straight ahead at the wall in front of her. 

She felt the bed dip besides her as Cody laid down on his side. He reached over to the lamp on his nightstand and turned it off. He didn’t say a word, say or kiss her good night. He just stayed on his side of the bed and gave her his back. Although they were just about a foot away from one another, they felt miles apart, and the horrible tension they had in the car now filled their bedroom.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered in the dark. “I’m so sorry.”

“You lied to me,” he whispered back.

She immediately shook her head. “No, I didn’t." 

"You withheld the truth from me,” he leaned over to turn the lamp back on. He leaned up on his elbows and looked at her. “You withheld the truth and you lied about it." 

Still refusing to look at him, she closed her eyes and let out a deep sigh. "I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you and I should have told you. You didn’t deserve to find out the way you did.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was afraid-" 

"Afraid of what?! That this would happen?! That I would be completely pissed about this? I mean could you bla-”

“No! I was afraid you’d stop loving me if you found out!” Y/N shouted back as she finally turned around to face Cody.

Cody scanned her features. Her eyes were red and puffy. They were also broken, filled with sadness and worry. Cody let out a deep sigh as he reached for her hand. “Babe, I could never stop loving you. After my mom’s cancer, your dad’s death,” Cody shook his head. “We’ve been through too much together and been there for each other when we needed each other the most. I could never stop loving you. I’m just mad you never told me about this, that you kept this from me. I had a right to know about this.”

“I know and I’m sorry. I stopped running the blog the second you asked me to move in with you after Jeff talked about bringing you back for the final season of Teen Wolf,” she finally sat up and fiddled with her fingers. “Cody, you have to know, although I first knew you as Mike and I was head over heels with him, I love you. I don’t love you because you were Mike and Theo. I fell in love with you because I love the way your eyes twinkle every time you laugh. I love you because you are kind and considerate towards others, and you often put everyone else first. You showed me the world from a different perspective. You taught me to love myself, be confident in myself, and believe in myself. I love you because even though you are the furthest thing from prefect, you’re perfect in my eyes.”

Cody looked at her in awe. He knew she loved him, but he never knew how deep her love ran. He had never heard her speak about him like that before and somehow that made him love her even more, knowing she loved him for all the same reasons he loved her. He cupped her cheeks and brushed away the tears on her face before pulling her in for a deep and passionate kiss.

Y/N didn’t hesitate to kiss him back as she placed her hands on his firm chest. Their lips moved in perfect sync, fitting perfectly against one another like puzzle pieces. It’s been ten years since they first got together, and to this day, every time their lips meshed together, butterflies would be released in their stomachs, heat would wash over their bodies, a shiver would travel down their spines and all the way to their toes as they saw fireworks.

“I’m so sorry,” Y/N mumbled again in between kisses. “I love you… so much, Cody.”

“It’s okay…” Cody pulled back with his eyes still closed and his forehead pressed against hers. “I love you, too, Y/N.”

Y/N wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him in for a tight hug. He buried his face at the crook of her neck, taking in the scent of her perfume as he wrapped his arms tightly around her waist. His lips pecked her neck with wet butterfly kisses. “Marry me,” he whispered.

She pulled back and looked at him. “Did you just ask me-“

“I was planning on asking you tonight after Ryan’s thing. I had the whole thing planned out. A nice warm bubble bath and then eat some chocolate covered strawberries I got you with a bottle of champagne, but then I was so pissed, and everything-“

“Changed? Did you decide not to propose at all?” She asked afraid.

Cody immediately shook his head. “Babe, I want to marry you. I never decided not never ask you to marry me. Tonight, I just needed some air. I wasn’t mad at what you did. I was mad you never told me about it, and I didn’t want to propose the same night we had our biggest fight ever, but after what you just said…. I don’t want to waste another day. We’ve been together for 10 years and been through so much together, and guess what? We’ll get through this together too.” He grabbed her hands in his and lifted them up, kissing her knuckles before he looked up at her. “So… marry me, Y/N. Let’s continue to be there for each other, have stupid fights, followed by some amazing make up sex,” Y/N chuckled. Cody smiled at her, “Make me the happiest man in the world, babe.”

“Yes,” she leaned in and kissed him. “Yes, yes, yes, yes!” She repeated in between kisses as her arms wrapped around his neck and pushed him back on the bed. Cody’s hands rested at her hips as she straddled his hips. “Get ready for the best make up sex of your life.”

“Keep the fights clean, and the sex dirty,” Cody chuckled before he kissed her.

[tayegi]

I feel like all those misogyny anons are young girls or if not they shouldn't even blame everything on the OC????? Literally. All. Of. Them. Are. Doing . The. Same. Thing. It's a whole messy relationship. Don't blame one character when the others are doing the exact same shit!!!!

All the beautiful messages I received are under the cut ^^

But I just really REALLY wanted to thank everyone for sending me such wonderful asks. Right when I was about to lose faith in humanity, you guys came out of nowhere to restore my faith. I really REALLY appreciate it. I was srsly even considering deleting Equilibrium because I refuse to let this disgusting misogyny spread, but now I realize those misogynists are thankfully just the vocal minority. 

I really REALLY appreciate this, guys. You always know what to say to make me feel better when I’m at the cusp of giving up. I LOVE YOU

Anonymous said:BRUUHHHH shit just got real in equilibrium. Seeing the development of the story, I knew it was gonna come crashing down soon but damn. This story is so interesting and I really enjoy reading stories with very flawed characters. JK was really pissing me off like he's so damn controlling and it's amazing how people don't see equal fault in all three of them and point fingers at the girl???? Like wtf what story are y'all reading cause last time I checked they were all using each other lmao

Anonymous said:wtf??? how is oc manipulative and a bitch??? can't they that jk is the bitch here?? like he's so selfish and conniving and omg I'm just so angry after that update. not at you because damn girl you can write but like ahhh why wont he just let her touch jm like I just wanna Hug her tbh. I hope she finds the right man. u go girl!!Anonymous said:Omg I come back to this nonsense? I hope you don't let this affect you too much. I don't get why women are always blamed. If anything as I was reading I felt bad for the OC the most honestly. Shes insecure because she got bullied when she was younger and then this angel Jimin comes and he's nice to her and she gets attached. Jungkook takes advantage of the situation so it works out in his favor. For 6 months he was the only one who knew what was really going on.

Anonymous said:Wow I was so surprised to see that people were angry with the OC She is so pitiful and desperate Plus Jungkook's actions are so sick he knows she doesn't love him but he knows she won't leave him because of Jimin so even in this situation he is still using Jimin to manipulate the OC They are all so fucked up

Anonymous said:Really hope all the shitty misogyny doesn't put you off after how hard you've worked! please remember theres shitloads of us who really do appreciate your work and as much as people don't openly voice it, we're still all here in the background, internally voicing our opposition to the minority that obviously don't see the wealth in your work x so fuck them and do your shit because you want to! it's annoying that some aren't understanding it in the way they should but just know the rest of us dox

Anonymous said:I think the problem is not that the OC is women. The problem is that the readers are narrow-minded fans that blindly favor there idols.. U kno, when the bias also clearly did smth wrong but they only blame the other side... Tsk tsk. But the thing that I'm worried is that the story probably won't have an happy ending :c I know it's not ok but I want to OC has a new start with Jungkook (I am sorry Jimin!) or she would be sick of this relationship& too hurt& move out and be a roommate with Tae

Anonymous said:Hey, please don't regret the story cause of some of these mysogynistic idiots. I mean ofc if it makes you uncomfortable to write it then do whats best for you. But i love this story because of the complex nature of this messed up relationship, and your amazing writing. I love how you present selfishness in all three of them. The good and bad in them. You write in shades of grey instead of black and white and its truly amazing. Anyway i hope i didnt say something wrong i just love your work.

Anonymous said:Thank you for standing up in what you believe in. It's one thing for males to be misogynists (which is still HORRIBLY WRONG, fuck them) but for females to behave like one too? It's just disappointing. Us women get enough shit everyday as it is. We should be empowering each other instead of looking at each other as threats BLEEGH! Anyway I loved the latest chapter of equilibrium and pretty much everything you've written.... 🤗

aloneandlovingit said:I appreciate you so much for always calling out these misogynistic people for their shit. Whenever something goes wrong in a relationship it's always the woman who is blamed and the man is made to be a victim even if they're both in the wrong. The worst part is that these anons are probably young girls who were brought up to think this way and this just perpetuates the culture of women being against women and it needs to stop! Anyway I loved the new chapter as always and I love you 😘

Anonymous said:Why and how are people talking shit about the oc???? Wtf.. Equilibrium's so well thought and well structured, people in love do stupid shit, get over it. Jk is being fucking selfish and emotionally using them both, and if people wanna blame someone, blame the right guy. I really rope that the oc get out of this mess, cause girl u don't deserve all this bull shit. and fuck all this misogynist people +

Anonymous said:I'm so shook. I'm leaving this ask to let you know that the majority of the female population all over the world is still NOT on the mysogynous side! Girls, read carefully before you speak! Lu has written everything not only beautifully/intriguingly but also in a crystal clear manner (come on, you don't actually need to interpret things, make a list of who's done what and you'll see that each character is just as manipulative and opportunistic as the other)! Cheers Lu, this is a masterpiece.

Anonymous said:I can't believe people are saying the OC is a bitch?? what about jungkook who proposed this relationship for "fun" and had motives??? and jimin who only likes jungkook and shuts the OC out??? i've been wanting to rip jimin's throat out since he entered the fic

Anonymous said:I could be missing something, but I don't understand the outrage towards the OC when she is just desperate to hold on to the first person who treated her like a real person. That is why I think she is 'attached' to Jimin. The same goes for Jungkook being 'in love' with the OC since she is the first person to ask him a 'meaningful' question that wasn't superficial (coffee shop convo). My heart hurts for the OC because she has to fight so hard for Jimin's attention when she deserves better.

Anonymous said:I seriously can't see how these people are so blind. It was obvious that they were all using each other before and in the latest update Jungkook basically said he never cared about Jimin. How did they miss that? And Jimin rejected the OC until Jungkook proposed they all date. Wow. P.S. I had a feeling Jungkook would be the first one to break. Love your writing and don't let these people ruin Equilibrium for you.

Anonymous said:I almost feel bad for the anons who feel the need to antagonize the OC so much... But it actually fucking hurts. To think that every time that both men and women are in the wrong the woman is the one punished 110% of the time... Ugh I'm so sorry that this had to open our eyes to all the brainwashed idiots out there still perpetuating such hard-lined misogyny. But keep in mind that there are still lots of people who don't stand for this shit and never will, stay strong and love you!!!! 💖💖💖

Anonymous said:Equilibrium is one of my favs and it so upsetting to see people turn the story into something else because they are too blind to see their precious oppas do anything wrong.

Anonymous said:Are people serious? Its so obvious that jungkook and jimin are doing the exact same thing as the oc. Jungkook is only in the relationship for the oc. Jimin is only in it for jungkook. How can you blame the oc for being manipulative but not fault them

Anonymous said:but notice how no one is going "aw poor jimin jungkook tried to abandon him thank god the oc is caring and didn't run away with him" 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔 ppl are unbelievable. I'm so sorry this is the reaction ch 10 is receiving lu. pls don't let it discourage you. use your voice and the fact that a lot of ppl read the fic to EDUCATE AND TEACH YOUNG WOMEN. stopping now won't accomplish anything. I think you have enough influence with your writing to get something across to these young women and help them

Anonymous said:I want to tell you that equilibrium is honestly so beautiful & your writing is really amazing. I've only recently discovered you but I am upset I didn't find you before! As for the main character & the boys: HELLO THEY ALL PLAYED EACH OTHER FOR THEIR OWN REASONS!!!! Like why is everyone mad at the OC when each character was in the relationship just to be with the one they liked? Anyways the last part with Jungkook & the OC in the hallway is so nicely written! I hope you have a nice day! 💙😄

Anonymous said:I can't believe the amount of ppl mad at the oc rn when jungkook was literally doing the same thing??? so was jimin???? they were ALL playing each other, dont ppl understand that?! that's the whole point of this fic, y/n is in love with jimin, jimin is in love with jungkook, jungkook is in love with y/n. It's all just one big love triangle and they're all lying to each other by being in this relationship. I'm sorry ppl aren't getting that, but pls don't let that discourage you from writing it :(

Anonymous said:*reads the asks saying rude things about the Equilibrium OC* :/ *sighs* Why are people only focusing on the OC??? Jungkook is just as bad, and really no one wants to be with everyone in that relationship. :/ The OC wants Jimin, Jimin wants Jungkook, Jungkook wants to OC. Putting all the blame on the OC is just stupid. :/ I'm sorry you're having to deal with those anons. I wasn't around for what you were saying about In Bloom, but I can see how similar stuff to this would put you off of it. :/

Anonymous said:reads other anon messages - sighs - guys... look below the surface before you immediately judge the narrator. JK doesn't deserve sympathy--he's using Jimin to get to Y/N, Jimin is using Y/N to get to JK, and Y/N is using JK to get to Jimin. No one's innocent of this. In addition, the way he just roped Y/N into giving him exclusivity wasn't exactly fair or unproblematic... So they're all guilty, and the drama's so gooooodddd

Anonymous said:Thank you for the update. I haven't read it yet but in really excited about it!!! I'm really sorry about all of these random rude misogynist ppl who just came out of the blue tho.

[aitian]

feb 7, 2019 5:12am

y i have no good friends

1. growing up asian in a white space is an experience of foreignness right bc im looking at all of u bc ur all mean little children who were socialized by mean adults & ur all looking at me bc im not that human in ur eyes & u all win bc there r so many of u. 

+ no one understand my gender & so they r confused, they do not understand how to act so that i am comfortable rather than put off by their cishet foolery, they do not know how to talk abt their desires or my desires without making assumptions, they do not know how to be caring & vulnerable for me in the same way that i know how to b caring & vulnerable for them 

     + so poc right bc 1st of all i have no white friends bc i have self respect & do not wake up daily wishing to feel anger but straight poc in this university space r so focused on respectability & power bc y else would they b here? & even ppl who feel underprivileged r only concerned to the extent that they can get what they came here for rather than questioning & arguing & helping ppl who need it

     + so qpoc right this one is trickier bc i rly thot i would find community or at least one rly good friend but instead im balancing maybe 3 friends who r there for me in different circumstances & a ton of peripheral friends who actively make me uncomfortable. its so wild how w most of these ppl my gender is still so confusing to them (& i know its bc i do not do a good job of defining it) but there is no softening of words or mindfulness to how i might feel when they use the same rhetoric that straight white ppl have always used to put us down toward me. im too feminine, too masculine, yet not enough of either. “otherwise i we might b better friends. otherwise i might date u. otherwise we could b roommates. otherwise i might spend more time w u.” & the conversation inevitable veers toward “ur so critical. i feel like u might b mad at me for doing nothing wrong. i would rather stop being friends than talk abt how i have hurt u but im still #goodintentioned!!” 

     + i have always been more comfortable existing in feminine spaces but they r not any more inclusive tbh just exclusive in a way that is more tolerable. i do not want to slap ppl on the back or code switch to appropriate aave for clout or talk abt white guys on grindr. no. but i also do not want to continue talking abt how much bad behavior is appropriate before ppl will think ur a hoe or euphemisms for sucking dick or how its horrible but u love being a white womans whore. no. 

2. i haven’t had a best friend since i was maybe 8 yrs old. we didn’t even hang out that much bc we were family friends so our parents sort of determined when we were together but it was reasonably often. we used to have sleepovers & read comic books together & play with stuffed animals & make forts out of the couch cushions & go skiing & play video games & other beautiful nonsense. i rly dont remember feeling like a gendered self in that relationship, but i do when it began to sour. it was around 3rd grade, but rly mostly in 4th grade when i realized he was my best friend but i wasn’t sure if i was his anymore. he always played w the other boys during recess & never rly cared to spend time w me anymore. & i know it was an intentional choice under the white gaze to assimilate rather than b excluded w/ me. but i remember trying to play football for the first time, realizing none of the other kids rly knew the rules that well but at least knew how they had always played & had authority over what i did, that my body suddenly felt like it very much possessed the weight of a gender & a race which kept me from comfort. i started to have resentment & i know it showed even when we hung out every week at chinese school. i knew the other side of how he treated me & i did not like playing pretend. 

3. which leads me to intergenerational emotions. i do not like to feel clingy, like i am more hungry & more desperate than all of the other ppl who ask me to beg. but in my heart i feel so strongly so. mom says her family has always been this way. too dignified to beg, too dignified to rely on any shoulder but preferring to stand up on our own two feet. grandma and grandpa are still like this in their old age, feeling as though they can travel the world when they can’t keep up the house or walk up and down stairs or remember much beyond market prices from the late 20th century. mom says we all need to work on thickening our skin, but she says she will never improve either. she is spoken to in a certain tone by her mommy friends a few times & she tucks it deep inside her heart for safekeeping so that she will not b fooled in the future. & i believe so strongly that these ways of being & feeling r transferred onto me. not just from socialization & teaching but from existing in the same space, from being of the same blood, from having bodies that r shaped similarly & interacting w others through similarly shaped bodies, & however much epigenetics play a role in the process. bc i do not believe that my ancestors lived in hunder & desperation & suffering only for me to suddenly live without it in this life. however sad that is, i find it to b true. 

[somedaypast-thesunset]

U know. I cry for the world. I really do. But I cannot allow it into my own space which is any space my body currently occupies because I am not trapped and can choose to remove myself. Like, he made me feel like I wasn't sympathetic because I wouldn't let ppl like this in my home. I am sympathetic, not stupid. I would give a percent of money given to me to give all these ppl places that accomidate them.

He literally runs upstairs as I'm quietly eating my food by myself and asks why I'm a bitch. I tell him that's not really fair to say and I'm not interested in talking to him. He says it is fair to say because I'm being a bitch. I told him he's been pretty disrespectful from the start and I'm not interested in having a conversation. He says I'm the one being disrespectful because I owed him 50$ and he let it go cuz my partner is letting him stay at his house. My blinders went on briefly - like my brain clicked at that moment and we were no longer associates of any kind. Was I required to kiss your ass and buy your beer because you let my 50$ debt go for stupid reason? Who the fuck are you? And fine - fine. Thank you for debt forgiveness. But the fact you think I still owe you something - even a nicety, which I've given numerous times, is a person I don't want to know. I'll give you what I owe and nothing more. Why would I allow a dynamic in a personal relationship like that?

I got dressed and told my partner I would see him tomorrow as our friend jumps back and forth from saying he'll go and asking me why we can't have a "civil conversation".i told him I did nothing, I waited for him to be finished cooking so I could eat and now I'm upstairs because I don't want to hang out and now I'm leaving because this is disrespectful.

Finally he leaves and I feel uneasy. I know I'm there for my partner but I know he has feelings about it either way now and I don't know what to do because I don't want to talk to this guy again. So I tell him and say if he has a problem I'll leave. He says he has no problem it's between us he didn't want to be brought into it and now hes being brought in. Im like wtf rly. I'm sitting here eating a man came in and yelled that I'm a bitch and you think I brought you into this? Cuz I was the mature person who removed myself from a conflict seeking person? Fuck offfff. I told him fine, I would just go then. He said he's not mad but fine he'll see me tomorrow. I told him I'm not mad I have anxiety and no outlet so im leaving.

I called another mutual on the way home hoping for weed and a smoke. As I was on the phone I get a message from the first friend telling me he's sorry he was beligirent and he understands my point of view but "Jsyk I was offended too".

Our mutual said fuck him. But this is not really our friend. I know our friend very well and I know there is no way he would believe any different from his original stance unless someone explained how he might be in the wrong perspective. He spent days believing I was holding an attitude with him when I literally gave no fucks. I was nice, I hung out, I made and bought food, shared my weed and he continually had a disrespectful attitude towards me in every conversation I had and I was just over it because Ive really tightened my circle to not include people like him. I don't need it, I didn't do anything and I'm not going to be shit on because I shared what little I had and this guy is fucking crazy. Also I guess I'm ghetto but if a friend is shit on by someone in front of u, u back them up. My partner should have guilt for not saying hey what kind of language is that for a civil convo. But it's fine too because I'll remember this.

I sort of expect that my partner did tho. I feel our friend probably tried to approach him about it after I left and told him he was in the wrong for yelling at me and because he said "I hope we will talk again" to me implies my partner told him I'm not talking to him again as he could've said.. Nothing. Or hope we will be friends again? Hang out? It's just a weird admission of guilt that comes from my partners moral high grounds. Like he would never apologize to such degrees but he will tell u this is exactly how you should do it but it's our friend saying "Jsyk I was offended too". He's offended because every other friend knows I don't answer phone calls. I answer for like.. The government, doctors, my one friend and my partner. Otherwise I do not. It's a joke in my circle because I always answer texts. I always answer dms. I stopped fb but it was the same. Emails. If u call I will never call u back. A friend knows this. It's my quirk. It's fun. If it's an emergency, I'll know. It never is. I'm a confidante to people. Like I'm not a psychiatrist I'm a living diary where these people expect me to sit and listen to their problems and give them a certain level of wisdom and care and interaction or I'm not a friend. You and chantel and taff and Tom and Aaron and Jared and kitty. I sit and watch people. They are not my friend but I'm theirs and they wonder why at some point I check out and don't care about this shit they're doing. My partner falls into this and is probablt the absolute worst I've had so I have no room to do this for others and I think now it's like chosen victimhood when I remain friends and partners too. Like I know this person - I KNOWWWWWW this person because my job was to listen to all their shit. Like if knowledge is power im queen cuz I know. So I know they're fucked. I know. I could write a book verified by them of how fucked they are. And that means at some point they will be fucked again. That's their character. I dunno if that's who the fuck they are but it's what they presented. And being so close puts me within their fucked shit. Whether directed at me or not. Sam. No ones in my shit. No ones following my life. No one listens to me everyday except a girl I barely know in real life but force myself on her and literally don't know if she likes me or feels sorry for me but she's gracious. And even then I don't share everything. She's certainly not invested. This friend expected an investment further into listening to him because he made me feel bad and always wanted a relationship with me and when I was with my partner he was not super cool about it. I empathized and sympathized and wanted him to do well in life but I'd never be with him. I could barely be his friend. I barely liked him as my drug dealer. But I felt man. He criticized how I lived even though I'm not homeless. He is. And I don't want a point in my life where I'm arguing with a homeless man because our government gives you money. You make choices and I made the choice to use the same money not to be homeless and you decided to hitchhike. Logic. You are who you surround yourself with and I'm not this and I can't be the confidante of this while having everything I do responded to with a sigh of disappointment. It's a huge reason why I never called back when it was obvious he didn't get it. Why.

I liked my partners "I'm not mad". Really. He said it under his breath then quickly said "fine whatever see you". It was one of the first few shows of like "but I wanted you!" that he's made outside of sex. Like showing disappointment meant he had to involve himself into easing my anxiety which was too complicated and too much effort for him. He needed me to get over it.

I'm glad I left. I didn't argue with anyone but expressed how I felt and thought and left. I'm not replying to his apology because I'm going to blindly assume he spoke to my partner and I'm happier he said anything to defend me than I care about this apology. It's an action he would take instead of apologizing. He did something to help my anxiety and that's so much better than nothing. He is really trying to be consistent and elevated in his investment. I mean, this whole thing is fucked. But like... Iget along with him. He's the male figure in my life my parents demanded I needed for disciplinary purposes. But he's like a drunk army sergeant. U respect but he's a little fucked and sometimes makes u do questionable shit. But in the process youre somehow built into a better person and ur like yeah the army (relationship) was pretty great shaped me as a person but my drill (his personality) got drunk sometimes, cried and when u said ur uncomfortable got angry and threatened a discharge.

He has control of me but gives me freedom to the nth degree.

[thedumblyfe]

9.13.17

38th day of age 23

I'm tired. tonight seems as though nothing in my life is ever going to go in my way. I can observe 3 outcomes that have put me into feeling this way.

1.) I'm starting to really hate my job. Granted, it pays well for an unskilled job (waitressing) and if everything goes normally it's honestly stress-free no matter how many customers we receive. Every day we receive between 400-500 customers I kid you not, but it's not even the customers that give me the downhard feeling about work, it's honestly the management. They seemed extremely nice but there were many instances in which I realize that I'm just really in the palm of some employer's hand. For example this one time it was very late at night and we had already closed the store, however my manager lets in a party of 2, 3, and then a 4 at around 10:37pm (we close at 10:30pm) and I couldn't get out of work until after 11:45pm. It pissed me off because we are technically not allowed to serve customers but she did it anyway. Most of us has to return to work the very next day, which meant that it was probably a less than 6-hour sleep until they had to come back before 10am. Second, my other "manager" you can say, though she really isn't but she's basically one level lower, keeps fucking busting my ass for stupid fucking shit it's ridiculous. One, I was sick for an entire WEEK of work and I couldn't find covers because we were THAT understaffed. So when I call in to call out she picks up the phone and just tells me "well then if you don't come in who can?". Typical retail environment bullshit right? Whatever. What really grinds my gears is that when I tell you that all of the ppl I called who can possibly cover me for these shifts can't because they're unavailable or they just don't want to do it (because honestly fuck that place now), she has the audacity to get MADDER at me and literally like threaten me "then who can cover you huh?". What? You are like a 40+ year old woman. I don't care if you're upset or angry, but in my position, I had an extremely bad viral infection in the lungs which caused me to be bedridden for 4 days, to the point where it got so bad that I had asthma attacks every 10 seconds and could not properly breathe. I was literally gasping for air but I couldn't because there's obviously mucus in my lungs so my boyfriend was kind enough to come all the way from Long Island to grab me to take me to the hospital. And this cunt is telling me to literally come in because I couldn't find myself a cover? No fucking joke I thought she was being hella absurd but she CONTINUED, to the point where when the call ended I just didn't bother to pick up the phone, no matter how many times it rang. I was sick (literally) and tired of her bullshit because this wasn't the first time she pulled this kind of shit on me. One time she asked me right on the spot when I entered the restaurant to work if I wanted to take her dinner shift that day because she herself was "feeling very unwell and needed to go home". I was super fucking hesitant because I was already working a lunch shift there so taking this on would mean that I would have to commit to not a 5 hour work day, but a 14 hour work day. But she was all acting and bending down, messaging her back or whatever she was doing to make me feel hella uncomfortable to the point where I just said yes. That was my mistake because it became really crowded that day and while she was working she did everything fine. In fact, she was so fucking happy and joyful, like there was no pain in anywhere in her body and when she went home I just fucking KNEW that I ended up with the shorter end of the stick. Just today, when I enter the store to start my lunch shift one coworker told me that she was being really mad at me yesterday (when I wasn't in the shift) because I didn't close my section at all. BULLSHIT. It's bad to say but I am a perfectionist by heart and if one little detail goes by me, whether that meant I didn't clean one dish or I didn't windex the glass on the fridge properly, I myself go insane. I'm not doing it because I fucking LOVE working at my job, but it's just my nature to not let anything unnoticed. So I get fucking annoyed when my coworker literally told me that she said that I didn't do anything to close my section last Sunday and then took it another step further to tell THE MANAGERS during the server meetings that I didn't fucking do shit. What???? I take PRIDE in how hard I work and now this bitch is going to lie to my managers even though I'm literally the hardest working employee there just because now this bitch doesn't like me? I can't take it. I let my closer co-worker know about how I felt and she told me that this woman literally picks favorites all the time and now I'm just getting the shorter end of the stick.

Long story short, I'm just really fucking annoyed right now because the management in the company doesn't look promising. They look down on me for mistakes that THEY make, and in these particular cases they are understaffed because they obviously want to cut salary (they even took away some of my shifts because I was covering someone else who went to vacation??) or because this bitch is straight out lying to them because she literally does not like me. Who wants to work in an environment like that? And besides, why am I still here taking this shit? 2.) Drawing. Taking a drawing course right now which my friend spread the work in her facebook and I'm kind of discouraged. Not because I think that my art is good because it's not at all and not because I don't know that I just need to improve and take my time to practice to get better. It's just hard because when I spent more than 15 hours out of my 50hr/work week for the assignment just to know like 4 weeks later that it's actually absolute garbage just makes you feel bad. And I know it's one of those "oh he's just telling you what you need to work on, you're not perfect keep trying"-kinds of things and like I said before I know my art is shit because I never properly went to school for it, but it just puts these little voices in your head like "oh maybe this is really just a hobby thing, don't have to take it so seriously" or like "and because it's a hobby thing, it's not going to amount to anything better in the future. Maybe you're just amateur forever". And I just get discouraged, a lot in fact. And I KNOW it's just my part to just keep trying, but I'm not going to just "keep trying" when maybe it'll literally lead me to nowhere in life, like what gymnastics had taken away from me. That shit took 15 years of my own life away from me and it resulted into what? Becoming a waitress at a cheapass Japanese-run Restaurant? Hell no.

3.) I'm just losing a lot of games in League. I know this is probably the most ridiculous reason to think that nothing in my life is going my way, but adding the two reasons above with this one just makes my anxiety about my future roll down the hill even faster. Because if I really think about it, I've played this game for more than 3 years now and where am I? I'm literally in the same place, if not a little better but probably by only one rank then when I was back 3 years ago. Again, this is probably really fucking stupid to worry about but it just ties into like my drawing anxiety and how what if I spend literally 3 years on drawing instead and STILL be in the same exact place where I'm at will I have accomplished anything at all? And when I ask myself this question, I'm really asking myself "What exactly have I accomplished in my life in general?"

Job prospects: Being a forever waitress at a job I hate with little to no chance of promotion, not even becoming a manager. Drawing prospects: Being literally bad at drawing, but still (maybe) have a potential to grow, but having to force yourself to invest your time, money, and effort to do so Life's prospects: Am I taking any steps to get out of my situation right now?

I completely understand that right now I'm just ranting like I normally do and I have everything in my power to switch my life around. However tonight it just feels really tough on me specifically for these three reasons alone.