#i will never break from the 7k word count barrier i fear:(

[hatsukeii]

chat! what if i told you! i’m gonna write the most painful, disgustingly sad smut as a debut into the world of nsfw! i’m not even gonna make it pleasurable or horny! just sad and really fucking melancholic but beautiful!

[captainofmybigwetdream]

Febuwhump '22 - Billy Butcher / The Boys Edition [ao3]

Day 16: "Does that hurt?"

Additional scene for Season 2, Episode 8: What I Know

Word count: ~ 7k

Warnings: canon compliant character death (heavily mentioned), blood and cussing (it's The Boys, what did you expect?)

A/N: All my love to @zecklein because I wouldn't be able to do this without her endless cheerleading! Luv ya!

[Febuwhump Masterpost]

Tag list: @amethystpagan

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry… Mum, I’m sorry…”

The small boy had been sobbing his apologies and regrets into the lapel of Butcher’s coat like a mantra for the past ten minutes. Butcher neither had the energy nor the parental know-how to properly console Ryan, so he just kept stroking his back with his free hand.

An all-consuming numbness had fogged up his mind and his legs were moving on autopilot. The only thing he was able to focus on, was the leaf-covered forest floor in front of him. There simply was no behind to him. Every time he tried to think about what had happened, his mind drew a blank. He was compartmentalising, he knew that.

“I’m so sorry… I’m sorry, mum…”

A sudden rushing sound pulled him from his thoughts and Ryan tensed up in his arms, starting to shake with fear. Butcher looked up at the sky and saw Homelander fly away. He couldn’t be sure because the supe was far away and very fast, but it looked like he was carrying a body. Stormfront.

His mind was threatening to break the barrier of denial at the thought of what they’d left in the clearing, so he turned his head towards Ryan and spoke up for the first time since they’d started walking.

“Don’t worry, lad. He’s gone. Yer safe now.”

“What if he comes back?” Ryan’s voice was muffled and shaky and painfully soft.

“Then I’m gonna kill him,” Butcher replied grimly, knowing full well it was the truth. He would either kill him or die trying.

“Mum wouldn’t like that,” the boy said between sobs. His tone was so sincere, it made Butcher’s heart sink. He had never felt this heavy in his entire life.

“No, I s’pose she wouldn’t…”

Then they fell silent again. The absence of their voices only emphasised the eery stillness around them. The woods seemed to be utterly void of sound, safe for his muted footsteps. He didn’t remember having fled into the forest so deeply, the way back out felt impossibly long. Then again, his sense of time was completely screwed up.

Slowly the vegetation started to grow thinner, and Butcher was sure they were only a few minutes away from the edge of the woods. Ryan appeared to be sensing it too, because he finally looked up from Butcher’s shoulder again. His tears had dried out and his face was red and puffy. He straightened up as best as the man’s hold on him allowed and looked at his bearded face.

“Does that hurt?” Ryan asked, his voice tinged in mild curiosity and worry.

“Does what hurt?” Butcher asked, completely unaware of what the boy was talking about.

“Your head. It’s bleeding.”

Butcher struggled to put all of Ryan’s weight on one arm to free his other hand. Then he reached up to touch the back of his head. His hand did indeed come away bloody. Well, that at least explained his growing sluggishness. Now that he knew, his head started pounding. Great.

“No… it ain’t that bad,” Butcher eventually replied and renewed his grip on the boy with both arms.

“Mum always said that you’re not supposed to lie,” he said and looked down to avoid the man’s eyes. Instead, he started to fumble around with a frayed seam of Butcher’s coat, suddenly desperate with the need to busy his hands. “But she lied to me, too. So, maybe lying isn’t that bad.”

Butcher sighed deeply and closed his eyes for a moment. Then he patted the boys back to make him look at him again.

“Listen, Ryan. Yer mum had no other choice. She hated lying to ya. But she had to keep you safe. You understand that, right? You were the most important thing to her,” he said and knew every word of it was true.

“More… More important than you?” Ryan asked hesitantly, his eyes filling with tears again.

Butcher bit his tongue to keep himself from releasing his pent-up bitterness. It wasn’t the boy’s fault. It simply wasn’t. Becca had insisted on that with her dying breath. He swallowed thickly, then nodded.

“Much more important than me.”

“I’m sorry, Mr Butcher,” Ryan whimpered, once again burying his face at the man’s shoulder. “I’m just like him, like my dad.”

“Fuck, Ryan,” he ground out through gritted teeth, startling the boy unintentionally. “None of this is your fault. No, look at me!” Ryan sobbed again, but eventually met his eyes again, his timid look making Butcher sigh once more. He looked so much like his mother it was painful. “It’s not your fault. You tried to protect yer mum. You did more than I ever could’ve done. It was… an accident.”

The boy bit his lip and let his tears run freely. It seemed like he wasn’t sure if Butcher was lying to him again.

“Do ya understand?”

“I think so,” Ryan finally conceded.

“Good. And for fuck sake, never call me Mr Butcher again,” he added on an afterthought. “I’m Billy to you, alright?”

“Alright,” the boy nodded, and the ghost of a smile flitted across his wet face.

They were now approaching the edge of the forest, the field beneath it already clearly visible. He could see the others standing close together by a car.

“One more thing, Ryan,” he said, and the boy looked at him again. “Yer nothing like Homelander.”

“But what if I am? Mum didn’t want me to use my powers. I think she was scared of them,” Ryan admitted quietly.

“Well… I don���t wanna lie to ya, lad. Yer powers are dangerous. But if you follow one simple rule, you can make sure not to become like him.”

Ryan was hanging onto his every word, eager to learn the secret. “What’s the rule?”

“Don’t be a cunt.”

There was no time to inquire further because as they were leaving the trees behind, the man had fallen completely silent again. Ryan wasn’t sure why, but he knew it was no use to ask more questions right now. So, he turned his head in the direction Butcher was looking and saw the people who he’d met for the first time mere hours ago.

Again, he tensed up, his breathing becoming quick and irregular, and he tried to hide his face in the crook of Butcher’s neck. He didn’t know them and the thought of having to talk to them was scary. People were overwhelming to him. And although none of them was even remotely as intimidating as Butcher, there was no one he trusted more than the man who was carrying him.

“Hey, it’s okay, lad,” Butcher mumbled close to his ear and stroked his back again. “They’re friends.”

It was then that Ryan realised that the man’s arms had started shaking beneath him from the strain of carrying him for such a long time. He was hurt too, and Ryan didn’t want to make it worse for him.

“You can put me down if you want to. I can walk,” the boy offered and started to wiggle around in Butcher’s arms, eager to help him in any way he could.

“Nah, it’s fine,” Butcher replied and tightened his hold on him.

Secretly, Ryan was glad about that. He didn’t want to leave the safety he’d begun to feel in the man’s arms. Especially with so many new people around.

There was no greeting when the two finally reached the others, Butcher’s expression rendering them speechless. No one felt the need to ask what had happened, it was clearly written across his face.

The patch of ground where the shelter had been was completely burnt, and their cars were wracked beyond repair. He looked at the perfectly fine but unfamiliar cars they were standing next to. His best guess was that Frenchie had probably short-circuited and stolen them from the nearby parking lot they’d passed on their way here. It meant they’d been waiting for them to come back.

M.M., Hughie and Annie were standing close together, apparently having been in some discussion until they’d seen Butcher and Ryan appearing from the forest. Kimiko and Frenchie were sitting on the hood of one of the cars. He had his arm around her shoulder and she was leaning against him.

Butcher came to a halt a few yards away from them, his gaze firmly fixed on the ground. The atmosphere was tense and no one seemed to know what to do, how to act around the two people who’d just lost the most important person in their lives. To everyone’s surprise, Annie was the first to move and approach the pair. She slowly but purposefully walked up to them and tried to catch the man’s eye.

“I’m sorry,” she breathed softly, putting as much meaning into her words as humanly possible. For one second she hesitated, then laid her hand on Butcher’s shoulder.

The others took in one huge collective breath at her reckless bravery, but nothing happened. No one was more astonished than he was when he didn’t shake her off or shoot her any death glares. The truth was he was just too damn tired. So, he contented himself with giving her a nod.

“Ryan?” she asked gently, addressing the shaking boy now.

The mere sound of his name made him flinch and he slung his arms around Butcher’s neck, apparently hoping to become invisible.

“Hey, Ryan,” Butcher said, and surprised everyone again with the tenderness in his voice. “There’s something I need you to do for me.”

The boy finally looked up with a concentrated frown on his face. If there was anything he could do for Butcher, then he would do it. He nodded, signalling for him to go on.

“I need ya to stay with me friends for a bit. There’s still something I have to do.” Butcher knelt down and put Ryan on his feet.

“No!” the boy called out in fear, shocking even himself with the fierceness of his reply, then added almost pleadingly, “Please don’t leave me, Billy.”

“I ain’t leaving ya, lad. I promise I’ll only be an hour.” Butcher put his hands on Ryan’s shoulders and looked him straight in the eyes.

The others were exchanging disbelieving looks at the uncharacteristic behaviour of their leader. Annie got down on her knees too and tilted her head at Ryan.

“Hey, Ryan,” she said and gave him a friendly smile. “I’m Annie. That over there is my friend Hughie.” She pointed at the man in question and was happy to see the boy’s eyes following hers. Hughie gave them a small wave and smiled at Ryan too. “The two on the car are Kimiko and Frenchie.” Her finger wandered over to the pair and they also waved at Ryan. “And that’s M.M.” She indicated the last member of their group who managed a genuine smile, for the boy’s sake.

“See, now you know ‘em,” Butcher tried to encourage him. “They’re not strangers anymore. And I bet you’ll like them a lot more than me.”

Ryan frowned at him again, this time in blatant defiance. “Why?”

“Because they’re much nicer than me,” Butcher replied with a sarcastic grin and ruffled the boy’s hair.

Annie threw a glance over at Hughie to share her amazement of Billy Butcher with someone. He immediately caught her eye and silently mouthed “What the fuck is happening?” at her. She just shrugged and shook her head at him.

“But you are nice,” Ryan shot back with an actual, honest-to-God pout on his face.

“Ya just don’t know me all that well,” he replied and raised his eyebrows at the boy. “Now listen, it’s gonna be dark soon, so I need to hurry. I promise I’ll back as soon as I can, and this lot is gonna keep you safe until then.”

“Okay,” the boy eventually conceded with a sniff and a hearty nod.

“That’s a good lad,” Butcher said and clapped him on the shoulder. Then he proceeded to stand up again but the sudden rush to his head made him stumble. Ryan looked at him in alarm and grabbed his hand, clutching at the man’s fingers in worry.

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” he tried to reassure him and closed his eyes for a second to get his head right. When he opened them again, everyone was looking at him, not buying his fake nonchalance for a second. He ignored them and tried to extract his hand from Ryan’s. “I’ll be back in a jiffy, promise.”

Ryan threw a helpless look at Annie who just gave him an equally helpless smile. Then she offered him her hand, which he took hesitantly. Butcher just nodded at them and turned on his heel, apparently planning on going back into the forest. M.M. immediately made to follow Butcher and caught up with him about twenty yards away from the group.

“What the fuck, Butcher? Where do you think you’re going?” he asked, just loud enough for the others to hear.

“Left something in the forest,” Butcher shot back grimly.

“Your fucking head’s bleeding and from the way you’re stumbling around, I’d say you have a concussion,” M.M. interjected with a stern look. “No way I’m letting you walk back into that forest.”

“I’d love to see you try and hold me back.”

The two men were trying to stare each other down, equally stubborn and strong-minded.

“Look Butcher,” he started, not breaking their eye contact for a second. “This can go one of two ways. You can either spare a few minutes for me to check you over or I'm gonna knock you out right here and now and drag your sorry ass to a hospital where you'll wake up surrounded by way less understanding personnel than me. Your choice.”

“No!” Ryan cried out just as Butcher was about to give M.M. a piece of his mind. The boy wrangled his hand from Annie’s and started to run towards the two men, his eyes starting to glow red when they focused on M.M. “Don’t hurt him!”

Butcher’s eyes widened in shock at Ryan’s strong reaction, and he jumped in front of M.M. without thinking about it.

“Ryan, stop! Look, I’m fine! He was just making a very bad joke,” he called out towards the child who was charging towards them with purpose. “Ryan, it’s okay!”

The boy slowed down, looking unsure now as his eyes returned to normal when they met Butcher’s. Then he quickly turned his attention back to M.M. who really didn’t look like he was about to hurt Butcher. But Ryan was confused because there’d been so much lying already, so he kept running until he reached Butcher and instantly latched onto him again.

“Shit, son, I get the abandonment issues, but this is a little extreme, don’t ya think?”

M.M. raised his eyebrows at a very specific part of Butcher’s phrasing, but kept his mouth shut. Instead, he turned to the small boy who had buried his face in the fabric of the other man’s sweater and stooped down to his eyelevel.

“I wasn’t going to hurt him,” he said gently. “I was just trying to make sure he’s okay. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Ryan tried to get his sobbing back under control and finally looked at M.M. with a healthy portion of suspicion. Meanwhile, the others had finally managed to shake their temporary paralysis and were now hurriedly walking towards them.

“Hey,” Butcher addressed the boy and laid a hand on his head. “M.M. might be an arsehole, but he wouldn’t hurt me. He’s far too scared of me returning the favour.”

Ryan bent his head back to look up at the man and pursed his lips. “Then let him look at your head.”

Butcher scrunched up his face in frustration and he could hear how M.M. was trying to hold back a chuckle from the way his breath hitched. He really needed to get back into the forest before sunset. So, he finally looked over at the former medic.

“You heard the boy. Just get on with it.”

A few minutes later Butcher’s headwound had been cleaned up, disinfected, and momentarily bandaged. Luckily enough, they had found a first aid kit in one of the stolen cars. He’d also downed three ibuprofen and a bottle of water because he could feel Ryan’s cautious gaze burning holes into him throughout the whole thing.

“Happy now?” he finally asked, spreading his arms in a show of complacency.

“Yes,” Ryan nodded seriously, then went on to tug at his sweater to get him to bend down.

Butcher complied with a long-suffering sigh. “What’s going on?”

“Why do you have to go back into the forest?” the boy asked quietly, but the people who surrounded them could still hear his every word.

The man placed his hands on Ryan’s arms to secure his attention, an unnecessary gesture seeing as Ryan was watching him with the same intensity he’d threatened M.M. with earlier.

“I… I need to….” He trailed of a few times before managing to put the sentence together he so clearly dreaded to voice aloud. “I need to get yer mum. I can’t leave her there.”

The boy’s eyes started to fill with tears again and he very much wanted to throw himself into Butcher’s arms but couldn’t because he was held in place by his strong hands.

“I want to come with you,” Ryan said miserably and started to shake with sobs again.

“Not an option, kid,” he breathed out on a long exhale.

“He’s not wrong,” M.M. interjected, which earned him a hard glare from Butcher. “Obviously, he’s staying. But somebody should go with you. I get that you need to do this, but you’re seriously injured.”

“I’m not taking any of you cunts with me,” he growled dangerously and made Ryan flinch at his side. Almost as if on instinct, Butcher started to stroke his head comfortingly while not breaking eye contact with M.M. “I don’t want ya there, understood?”

“But-“ Hughie tried to butt in for the first time, then got talked over immediately.

“Now, it’s just a little headache, so stop fucking exaggerating. When I'm not back within an hour, feel free to send a fucking search party,” Butcher went on, trying for a little bit of a compromise, mostly for Ryan’s sake.

M.M. threw his hands up in surrender, giving the other man a thoroughly exasperated look. “Fine, asshole. Have it your way.”

“That’s my favourite kind of way,” he replied with a smug grin.

His swagger didn’t fool anyone, though. His façade had never been more transparent than it was right then. The worst thing was that Butcher knew it too. He avoided their eyes, afraid to be met with pity. So, he let his hand fall away from Ryan’s head and led him over to Hughie and Annie.

“Yer gonna be staying with my good friends Hughie and…” – Butcher seemed to be having a hard time saying the second name – “… and Annie.”

Annie’s eyebrows shot up in renewed disbelief and she wasn’t sure if she was maybe just dreaming the whole thing. For a second, she even doubted that the man standing in front of them was indeed the real Billy Butcher. Before she could say anything about it, Ryan had slipped his hand into hers again, though. She looked down at the boy and gave him a reassuring smile which he shyly tried to return.

Butcher put a heavy hand on Hughie’s shoulder to get his attention and the younger man immediately turned towards him. “Don’t let him out of your sight.”

“Okay,” Hughie nodded, unable to stop himself from frowning. “Are you sure you want to go alone?”

Instead of a reply, he only got a sinister scowl in return. It was answer enough. In fact, Hughie wasn’t even sure why he’d asked in the first place, only that he’d felt like he had to. He didn’t like the idea of Butcher walking into that forest again. Not when he knew what he was going to have to do in there, and with a headwound no less.

There was no more room for objections, though. M.M. had already given up and there was no one else who could really outface Butcher. At least not if they wanted to avoid a physical confrontation. So, when Butcher finally left them standing there, Hughie just knelt down next to Ryan and wordlessly joined him in watching the man walk towards the forest again.

“One hour,” M.M mumbled under his breath, then turned around and busied himself with packing up his medical supplies.

* * *

Butcher felt oddly vulnerable when he reached the treeline. For some reason he didn’t really care to examine, Ryan’s presence had given him a certain level of comfort. Maybe it was just that the boy had been a task to focus on.

Now that he was alone again, he decided to give in to his numbness and let it take over his mind. He didn’t really see any another way to make it through the next hours, because he knew that what he was about to do, was going to be hard. Probably the hardest thing he’d ever have to do in his life. Including his little brother’s funeral.

The forest once again swallowed every sound as he entered it. Dusk was already creeping up on him and the shadows were quickly growing longer. A low fog rose from the damp ground as the air was cooling down.

Butcher’s head was still pounding under the bandage, but the pain killers were taking the edge off his pain for now. He felt strangely detached from the world around him, seeing only the leafy path in front of him. Knowing where it would eventually lead him almost made him stop in his tracks a couple of times. It was like strolling through a nightmare and it took every little bit of strength he had left in him.

Each step seemed to send a wave of exhaustion through his tired, aching bones and it took him a second to remember how first Stormfront and then Ryan’s outbreak had thrown him into trees like a muppet. The Nazi bitch had almost electrocuted him, too. All of this, the open headwound and the fact, that he’d momentarily forgotten about it, made him wonder if M.M. had had a point about the concussion. His vision was becoming a little frayed at the edges and it took more and more effort to focus his eyes the further he went into the forest. He had broken into a cold sweat and started to shiver in his clothes as the wind picked up.

Deep down he was aware that taking someone with him would’ve been the sensible thing to do, of course. But deep down was a place he was careful to keep a lid on. There was some stuff down there he’d rather not look at.

Butcher’s breathing was shallow and laboured when he finally pushed through the last trees which separated him from the clearing where it had happened. His eyes were glued to the floor as he dragged his heavy boots across it, step after step, getting closer but not daring to look. He didn’t have to. The scene was burnt into his retinas, imprinted on his brain. No concussion would ever let him forget that.

So, after a few yards, he came to a halt and sank to his knees. She lay just as still as he had left her. Cautious to avoid looking at her face, he gently took her hand in his and closed his eyes. Her skin was still warm against the cool air. All alone in the quiet of the forest, he allowed himself a moment of grief. He let a few tears spill over and run down his cheeks, leaving streaks in the grime on his face.

The pain of having lost her irrevocably was turning into a physical presence, like a shadow he knew would follow him for the rest of his life. His heart cramped up with each beat and his guts had turned into a tight, convulsing knot. He was acutely aware of his blood pulsing through his veins, every pump going straight to his head and reminding him of his open wound. He could feel it leaving his body and seeping into the bandage.

None of that mattered much, though. Because nothing mattered to him in that moment, and he wasn’t sure if anything would ever matter again. The truth was that the best part of Billy Butcher had died and lay forever motionless on the forest ground before him. He wished he had died with her.

Without thinking about it, he shrugged off his coat and draped it over Becca’s unmoving form, carefully wrapping it around her shoulders and the length of her body. Then he turned up the collar against the gaping wound that tarnished her throat. When there was nothing left to do, he finally forced himself to look at her face.

Although she was unbearably pale, her closed eyes and relaxed features made her look oddly calm. He knew she wasn’t just asleep. He’d seen his fair share of death in his life and always hated that cliché people tried to comfort themselves with. He remembered what Becca looked like when she was sleeping, the picture still clear as day before his eyes. The way her face creased up when she was dreaming and her eyes fluttered when she was on the brink of waking up. Even asleep she’d been more alive than he’d ever felt. Now, the sheer absence of life was excruciatingly obvious on her smooth, beautiful face.

“My girl,” he whispered into the silence and could still hear her promise echoing in his head. Always.

With shaking fingers, he brushed a strand of hair from her forehead, then closed his eyes again and took a deep breath. He swiped the tears from his face with the back of his hand in one rough motion and tried to compose himself. Squaring his brought shoulders, he slipped his arms under her back and legs, and pushed himself to his feet with great effort. Her limp body felt heavy and uncooperative in his arms, and he knew it would take everything he had left to carry her out of the forest.

“I’m sorry, luv… I’m so sorry…” he mumbled as he cradled her lifeless form against his chest and finally started to leave the clearing, each step a conscious struggle. “Becca, I’m sorry…”

* * *

Ryan was seated on the hood of a car between Hughie and Annie, listlessly nibbling on the chocolate bar Hughie had fished out of his pocket. The group had been quiet for the better part of an hour now and the boy watched the others becoming more restless with each passing minute. He had started to list off all the states and their capitals in his head to distract himself from the fact that Butcher still hadn’t returned.

M.M. and Frenchie were standing close together and Ryan could hear them discussing the search party Butcher had mentioned earlier. Meanwhile, Kimiko was watching the treeline unblinkingly. He really hoped that he was allowed to go with them if it came to it, but somehow he knew that M.M. wouldn’t let him.

“Hey, bud, you’re shivering,” Hughie suddenly stated, and it made Ryan look up at him with a start. Up until then, he hadn’t even noticed how cold he was.

“It’s fine,” he mumbled softly and averted his gaze again.

“Here,” the young man said and gently draped his jacket around Ryan’s shoulders. “Are you sure you don’t want to lie down in the car? You must be really tired.”

“No… I want to wait for Billy. He promised to come back,” the boy replied in a small voice, but the yawn that threatened to escape his lips betrayed him. “Please.”

“Of course,” Hughie nodded, trying to give him a reassuring smile.

Ryan liked the young man. He was nice and he was Billy’s friend. So maybe, he could be his friend too. Annie seemed nice, as well, but for some reason he couldn’t stand looking her in the eyes because each time he did, he found sadness and pity in them. He knew she didn’t mean it, but it made him want to cry.

M.M. and Frenchie scared him a little and he thought they had realised it too. They threw him occasional glances and tried to smile at him while keeping their distance. It reminded him of the time he’d found a little bird in the backyard. The small creature had been hurt and scared, and it had taken Ryan hours of patience to get close enough to help. His mum had been waiting in the background with a padded cardboard box, giving him encouraging smiles every time he’d looked at her. In the end, he’d managed to carefully scoop the fragile little thing into his hands and carry it over to his mother. Together they’d nursed it back to health. He could still remember the rush of happiness he’d felt when they’d finally released it again, how it had spread its wings and flown off into the bright sky.

Why such a happy memory brought tears to his eyes again, he didn’t quite understand. He wished his mum was there to explain it. And maybe that was the problem, he thought. She wasn’t there and never would be again. The realisation shot through him like lightning and there was nothing he could do to supress the renewed sobs that erupted from his body.

Instinctively, Ryan turned towards Hughie in search of comfort. The young man shot his girlfriend an alarmed look as he wrapped his arms around the shaking boy. Annie scooted a little closer and started to stroke Ryan’s head soothingly. It took a few minutes but eventually Ryan’s sobs subsided and he nestled into Hughie’s side.

There were no words that could make the boy’s pain go away and every comforting word Hughie could come up with in his head sounded belittling and hypocritical. So, they fell back into silence, hoping it would be enough.

By the time Ryan straightened up a little and tugged at Hughie’s shirt, the sun had set, and Frenchie had turned on the front lights of one of the cars in hopes that it would help Butcher find his way back to them. Kimiko and M.M. were getting ready to go after their leader because he was already half an hour late.

Hughie looked down at Ryan’s puffy face and raised his eyebrows at the surprisingly inquisitive expression he was met with. “What’s up?”

“Billy said something to me, but I don’t know what it means,” the boy said hesitantly, playing around with the fabric of Hughie’s shirt.

The young man looked up and exchanged frowns with Annie before nodding for him to go on. “What did he say to you?”

Ryan scrunched up his face in deep thought, trying to remember every detail of his conversation with Butcher. Then he bit his lip and for some reason couldn’t look at either of them as he asked, “What does ‘cunt’ mean?”

Hughie’s eyes widened in shock and discomfort at the innocent question and Annie sucked in a surprised breath. Neither of them knew how to answer that particular question. The boy shrank back at their reaction, feeling like he’d said something bad or hurtful.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Annie tried to reassure him, her fingers smoothing down his blond hair. “It’s… well, it’s an insult and a very mean one, too.”

“Billy uses it a lot, even with people he does like,” Hughie took over and tried to make Ryan look at him again. “Why did he say it to you?”

“He told me not to be a… a cunt. He said it’s the rule, so I don’t become like my dad.”

“Aah,” Hughie nodded in understanding and rolled his eyes at Butcher’s blatant frankness towards the boy. “Yeah, well, I think what he meant to say was that you should always try to be a good person. It can be hard sometimes, but as long as you do your best, you’ll be fine.”

“Okay,” Ryan replied, feeling confirmed in his theory. “That’s what mum always told me, too.”

“And she’s right,” Annie nodded emphatically. “Whenever you feel like it’s all becoming too much, just take a deep breath and remember that.”

“As long as I do my best, I’ll be fine,” Ryan repeated, obviously trying very hard to internalise this rule. “Don’t be a cunt.”

Annie scrunched up her face at the sound of the word leaving the young boy’s lips again. “Basically, yes. But maybe don’t overuse the word. That’s Billy’s job.”

“Guys!” M.M. suddenly called out, thankfully interrupting their novice parenting moment. One more minute and Hughie might’ve thrown himself into explaining the second meaning of the word and why it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Ryan really didn’t need to know about that, yet.

“Monsieur Charcutier!” Frenchie pointed at the dark figure that appeared from the trees, still far away and only made visible by the car’s spotlight. “Fucking finally!”

Butcher was taking slow, unsteady steps, stumbling every few feet and clearly weighed down by the body he was carrying. Hughie tightened his arms around Ryan, very much wanting to protect him from seeing his dead mother but being unable to focus on anything else himself. Annie huddled up a little closer, trying to give and seek some comfort at the same time.

The sight of Billy Butcher, usually so confident and full of snarky swagger, now broken and staggering under the weight of what he’d lost, was too much to bear for any of them.

M.M. finally hurried towards his friend, worry and trepidation filling him to the brink. When he reached Butcher and offered to help, he only got a dangerous glare in response and took a step back. So, he contented himself with walking next to him, just in case. Frenchie quickly realised where the pair were headed and ran over to their second car to open the back door for them. Butcher as good as toppled over when he leaned through the door to gently place Becca’s body in the backseat while the others kept their distance.

All eyes were on him when he reappeared from the car and closed the door. His face was expressionless as he met each and every one of their gazes. Hughie held his breath when Butcher looked over at him and Ryan, who had finally succeeded in wiggling himself out of the young man’s arms. Just when Butcher reached for the bandage covering his head and closed his eyes, his legs seemed to give out and he simply broke down by the side of the car.

Ryan slid off the hood and bolted towards him, Hughie’s jacket flapping around his small frame. Then, all of a sudden, everybody seemed to spring into motion at the same time with M.M. and Frenchie being the closest to Butcher. Together they propped the man up into a sitting position as Ryan arrived by their side, tears already welling up in his eyes again as they landed on the former medic.

“Is he going to be okay?”

“Yes,” M.M. breathed out and carefully started to unwrap the blood-soaked bandage from Butcher’s head. “I’ll patch him up, no worries, kid.”

Annie had grabbed the first aid kit on her way over to them and handed it over immediately. M.M. took it from her with a grateful look, then quickly proceeded to treat the unconscious man’s headwound again. Kimiko was kneeling next to Frenchie, completely restless with nervous energy, while he was still doing his best to hold Butcher in a mostly upright position to give M.M. the best possible access.

“Sacré nom d'un chien!” Frenchie mumbled under his breath. “We should have gone with him.”

“Yeah, well, I tried,” M.M. shot back in annoyance. “Didn’t see you arguing with the asshole!”

Ryan’s eyes were trained on Butcher, closely following each shallow rise and fall of his chest, terrified that he might just stop breathing any second. Like his mum had. Hughie and Annie were standing close to him, anxiously waiting for M.M.’s assessment.

When Butcher’s wound was finally dressed again, and M.M. had checked his pulse and pupillary response, he gave a sigh of relief as he looked at Ryan. His words were meant for all of them, but the boy needed to hear them the most.

“He’s going to be fine. Yes, he has a slight concussion and the blood loss didn’t help. But mainly he just overexerted himself. Some pain killers and a bit of rest should get him back to his feet.” Then he turned back to Frenchie. “Let’s get him into the car.”

Kimiko was already opening the door on the passenger side, but M.M. shook his head at her. “The other car. Can’t have him waking up to the sight of… her.”

She nodded and threw a sad glance into the backseat, immediately feeling like she was intruding. Annie stepped up beside her and wordlessly took her hand, giving it a comforting squeeze. Kimiko looked up at her in surprised thankfulness.

M.M. and Frenchie had managed to pull Butcher up and were now carrying him between them, his arms slung around their respective shoulders. He groaned from the strain the movement put on his body and after only a few steps, his eyes fluttered open.

“He’s awake!” Ryan cried out in relief as he tugged on Hughie’s hand.

“Oi, what’re ya cunts assaulting me for?” Butcher grunted in a thick, confused voice and, apparently, he had a hard time focusing his eyes.

“If you start struggling, I’ll drop your heavy ass right here and now,” M.M. replied with a grunt of his own.

“Yeah, yeah,” Butcher coughed out on an exhale and looked over at the group that was slowly walking beside them. “You alright, kid?”

“Yes,” Ryan said just as Hughie was about to do the same. Luckily, he caught himself in time and spared himself the inevitable awkwardness that would have ensued. “Can I drive with you?”

“’f course ya can. Anything you want, lad,” Butcher agreed with exaggerated lightheartedness as he kept stumbling and leaning on his two mates.

Everyone knew it was just for show, but no one had expected him to actually give two shits about the boy. Hughie had chalked his previous friendliness towards Ryan up to shock and the need to keep him calm. But now it seemed like it might have in fact been genuine, after all.

They eventually reached the car and Kimiko had gone ahead and opened the door to the backseat already. She seemed desperate for something to do, anything really. It earned her a small but appreciative nod from Butcher which she returned sombrely.

“Okay, easy,” M.M. warned as the man pulled his arms off their shoulders and took a staggering step forward. Quickly catching himself with his hands against the roof of the car, he tried for a smirk that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Yer all done with the fucking convoy now?” he commented wryly before waving Ryan over. “Come on, hop in.”

Without waiting to be asked twice, Ryan let go of Hughie’s hand, walked past the others, and ducked under Butcher’s arms to climb into the car. M.M. took a step closer to him, laying one hand on the other man’s shoulder.

“I’ll bring her home, don’t worry,” he whispered so quietly no one else could hear it.

“Yeah, well…” Butcher took a deep breath and had to bite his tongue to prevent himself from breaking down again. Each second was a conscious effort for him now and he expected it to stay like that for the rest of his life. “I appreciate it.”

Then he followed Ryan into the car, grunting in pain and exertion. It took him a few moments to get settled during which no one made any move to get going. They were still staring at him.

“Oi, you fuckers wanna stop gawking already?” he barked at them, his patience finally running out. “Hughie, Starlight, get a move on, we ain’t got all night.”

“There he is,” Annie mumbled under her breath as Hughie passed her on the way to the driver’s side. Then she, too, slipped into the car and strapped herself in.

Hughie started the car and was about to drive off when Butcher growled half-heartedly at him from behind. “Wait. Let ‘em go first.”

Butcher didn’t have to spell it out for him to understand. He wanted to be able to keep an eye on the other car. The car that was now a hearse. So, Hughie waited for them to drive past and follow them.

Ryan wrapped the borrowed jacket tightly around himself and tried to nestle as deeply into the seat as possible. He was exhausted and barely able to keep his eyes open. The man next to him seemed to be having similar problems, with the addition of his much larger frame making it far more awkward to find a comfortable position.

Butcher knew that Annie was watching him through the rear mirror, but he didn’t care much. One look at the boy told him everything he needed to know. It took him a moment, but eventually he lifted his arm in invitation.

“Come on, yer freezing,” he sighed quietly, and Ryan scooted closer to nestle into his side.

Their new position gave him a little more room to stretch his legs into the other seat’s footwell and he rested his head against the window.

“Thank you, Billy,” the boy mumbled sleepily.

“Don’t mention it,” he replied gruffly and looked down at him.

Despite the blond hair and blue eyes, his resemblance to Becca was undeniable. It was subtle, yes, but the way his nose crinkled when he let out a yawn and his eyes fluttered with exhaustion reminded him of her so much, he wanted to scream in pain. The boy was the only thing left of her in this world and Butcher was dead-set on keeping his final promise.

“Does it still hurt?” Ryan’s voice was growing fainter with each syllable, betraying how quickly he was drifting off.

“Yeah…” Butcher sighed deeply. “And it will… for a long fucking time.”

[lemonjoonah]

Locks and Barriers

Title: Locks and Barriers Word Count: 7K Rating: M Genre: One-shot, Post Apocalypse AU, Romance (smut), Drama Warnings: Apocalypse (Plague...so lots of death), Implied Violence, Smut Scene (Unprotected Sex, Thigh Riding) Pairings: Hoseok x Reader

Summary: One of the most amazing experiences in your life soon descends into chaos. Your trip to Seoul becoming overshadowed by a cataclysmic event leaving you alone in a city that is not your own. Your only hope? To find the man who has sent out one last broadcast to the city in search of any survivors, but you’ll have to overcome more than distance if you wish to become closer to him.

A/N: So much research went into this story. I tried to make it as real as possible looking into, locations (every spot mentioned does exist), wildlife, language (sorry if there are any mistranslations, my Korean is so poor) and aspects of life after an event such as the one you’re about to read below. I’ve never been to Seoul so I had to do a lot of searching through google maps, if you want any links to site pictures I can make a post later on although some of them have gone into the mood board.   

...

He should be here... out of all the places in the city this spot made the most logical sense. N Seoul Tower is at the very center of the city on the top of a mountain, giving you not only a useful view, but also access the necessary equipment for broadcasting. You check each floor, your newly injured leg slowly failing as you climb the steps to the top. The feeling of impending loneliness returns to haunt you. He is your last hope, where else could he be? Did he move on? Did he succumb just as the others had?

Finding every level deserted you retreat back down to the outdoor platform, dragging out cushions and chairs to set up a camp outside. Watching the streets and skies for any sign of life. Unable to use the transmission system yourself, you wait until nightfall to send out your only option for communication, an emergency flare. The shot lights up the sky before descending on the now darkened city. You turn on your small radio as you break down the wooden chairs to build a fire. The message that drew you here never changes, simply playing over and over on repeat, but you still take enjoyment from the sound of his voice. Especially since it allows you to pretend that you aren’t sitting alone.

This was supposed to be the trip of a lifetime. When your friend asked you to tag along on her business trip to South Korea you didn’t even hesitate. You had always wanted to go but the thought of travelling to another country where you hardly spoke the language was terrifying. Lucky for you, your friend was fluent.

Was... you reflect to yourself watching the fire grow in front of you. She said she would come back, she said she was just going out to search for food. Despite the warnings to stay inside, to stay away from others, she had ventured out from your hotel. You remember the sad smile she gave as she left, telling you that she should wouldn’t be more than an hour as she concealed a cough. That was two weeks ago...

When the first few patients of the illness passed away it was all over the news. You couldn’t understand the reports but your companion had still been there to translate. Anyone who had presented the set of symptoms associated with the virus had not survived more than 24 hours. It wasn’t long before it began to spread. Hospitals began to overflow and one by one they shut down entirely. You tried to arrange a flight home, but all travel was suspended to prevent the spread. It did nothing to quell the transmission, every country had already been exposed to the infected population.

You had gone out to search for her only to find the roads empty and the city encased in a putrid smell. You had shouted over and over calling out down every street you could before your voice had grown hoarse. There was no one left to answer.

Days turned into weeks as you waited for her, taking up residence on the roof of your hotel as the smell inside had turned unbearable. When you were scrounging for food a few days later you had come across a battery operated radio in one of the stores. With the power gone you had given up on all forms of communication, completely forgetting about radio transmission. With sufficient battery power someone could easily broadcast and keep the stations running. You brought it back to your camp, and scanned through the channels listening for anything other than the repeated public service announcements. The radio paused again on another male voice, the usual reports were so even in tone, this voice sounded desperate.

You remember how your heart leapt at the sound, you had given your full undivided attention to the radio laying down in front of it to peer at it as if possessed a soul. The wavering voice cracked several times but it was not the fault of the radio. It was by no means an official broadcast, the message might have been in Korean but lacked the formality and flow of the other broadcast. This was something real, someone who wasn’t hiding their state of distress. You cried both tears of sympathy and happiness upon learning that there was a possibility that you were no longer alone in this city. If only you could have understood what he was saying.

You had tried to transcribing the message into Hangul, having learned the writing system, but breaking down the message was easier said than done. None of the words you had written out could be found in the dictionary due to your poor spelling. After several unsuccessful attempts you had given up.

You may not have grasped what was on the message but featured prominently in your travel book was the biggest radio transmitter in the city, the N Seoul Tower. You assumed that would be an ideal location to relay from, so what was the harm in looking for him there?

Or at least that had been your rationale.  Unfortunately you had risked a lot to come here. You look down to the bite on your calf.

It hadn’t taken long for the wildlife to encroach on the vacant city. The scavengers came first feasting on what was left, gorging themselves until their supply began to rot. Shortly after the bigger predators followed. The wolves that had once stuck to the forests, that had been such rare sight to see in Korea, now encroached upon the city. Their fear of humans no longer holding them back from hunting you.

Along with the chairs and cushions you had taken a first aid kit from the front desk to help you disinfect and dress your wound. But now as you look at the tubes of cream you are at a loss once again, the packaging bearing no english words. You settle for what you assume to be alcohol wipes and a bandage, hesitant to put anything else on the broken skin.

You lay down on a bench next to the fire in a large sleeping bag you had found in outdoors store before starting your ascent of the mountain. Also stocking up on items such as a propane stove and the flare gun that you had just shot earlier. You rummage through the bag for food that you brought not wanting to move from your now warm spot. Your fingers find the holes left by the teeth of one of the wolves you ran afoul, you shake your head thankful that the beast took the bait with the can of meat that you had thrown, rather than the rest of your leg.

As you dig into your canned dinner your attention turns to your surroundings. You had set up camp on a platform surrounded by walls of padlocks, thousands of them had simply been latched onto the metal serving no specific purpose. You’ve seen displays like this before in other countries. Couples would write their names onto the locks and leave them at symbolic spots like this. You thought it was cute the first time you saw one of these setups, but looking upon it now you are overwhelmed with sadness. You confirm the sight with your guide book learning that this place was a popular spot for couples to visit. Not only because of the locks but even the bench you sat on was designed to draw people closer together, with a slight slope down in the middle making those who sat down slide into each other. You curse yourself for coming here feeling more alone than ever before.  Knowing that you would never get the chance to have that type of relationship, one where you would visit a place like this. How can you when the world was at its end and there appears to be no one left but you?

The radio suddenly cuts out, resuming a second later but presenting a different tone. You almost drop your food in surprise. The message changed, he’s out there somewhere making another attempt to communicate. You still don’t know what it’s saying but it had been only half an hour since you set off the flare. It’s too short of a time frame from your signal to be a coincidence right?

With fresh determination you set down your guide book pulling your travel dictionary and journal out to make another attempt at translation. After a few minutes you manage to pull one word of importance from the dialogue, signal. He must be talking about the shot you sent up. You fall back on the bench in happiness. It’s been a fortnight since you’ve seen anyone, you weren’t even sure that the owner of the voice was still alive, but you had hoped. This simple form of communication is so overwhelming you can’t contain your happiness.

But now you’re unsure of the best course of action. Should you stay where you are? Is this person able to make his way to you? Without being able to translate the rest of the message you find it difficult to come up with a plan. You continue listening and writing out the sounds you hear but the voice creates such a friendly and comforting presence, lulling you into a sleepy state.  Exhausted by your journey you soon give into it, you curl up on the bench knowing that it won’t be safe to venture out until the morning anyway.

...

A few hours later in a haze you hear the distinct click of the radio shutting off. Thinking the batteries dead, you groan reaching to your bag to find the replacements you had packed, wanting to return power to the device so you could still listen to the voice. As you sit up you come face to face with a dark clad man bent over you, reaching down to the receiver beside you. You flinch back in fear, your eyes darting between the black mask covering his mouth and nose, the metal bat in his hand and the blood spattered all over him.  

He locks eyes with you, and his own seem just as shocked. He looks down at his own appearance and he takes a step back shaking his hand. He mutters something softly as if trying to explain himself. You try to edge back from him finding it difficult on the bench’s incline while wrapped in your sleeping bag. This has to be him, the one you had heard on the radio. His voice sounded so friendly in the message, but now he looks as if he might finish you off.

Watching your response he removes his mask allowing you to see the rest of his face speaking his next words very clearly. “Hangugmal hal julaseyo?” You had been asked this phrase so many times during your visit, you can easily determine what he’s asking. Can you speak Korean?

You shake your head back at him. His face falls, his eyes lowering in disappointment.  “English?” He asks with hesitation. You nod this time still focusing on his appearance. He gives you a half smile pointing to the bat, searching for his words carefully. “Sorry, neugdae... big...dog...”

The wolves... He had come to find you in the night despite their presence. Giving you a reasonable explanation for the blood. You pull up the dictionary next to you finding the word and hand it over to him. “Neugdae is Wolf?”

“Neugdae, yes wolf.”  His smile is wide now as he looks down at you now, seeing that you’ve relaxed. You can’t help but give him one back. He moves closer crouching down and offering his hand that he wiped off on his pants, he chuckles shyly at his state. “Hoseok.”

With the mask removed and a smile on his face his harsh appearance is completely gone his softness now matching the voice from the radio. You give him your name which he tests on his tongue, repeating it slowly to confirm that he is saying it right.  

After lowering your legs to the ground and moving your scribbled notes out of his way you offering him the seat next to you. He glances at the pages in your hands with a grin. Taking the notebook from you he finishes your work crossing out a most of the words rewriting them with the correct spelling. Using the dictionary to assist he translates it for you. Hoseok nods pointing at the one part you had managed to decipher. “Signal,” He repeats before he begins to build the rest of the message around the single word.

... I saw your signal. Stay there. I’ll come to you...

After a pause he inquires, “You are alone?”

“Yes, you?”

He nods looking into the fire that is slowly dying. You can tell he’s disappointed, he’s probably spent all of this time waiting. At the first sign of another living soul he came running and you can’t even speak the native tongue. You have nothing more to offer him than a spot by your fire and a language barrier.

He points to your travel book from the ground. “Vacation? Trip?” You nod sadly while he continues to ask questions, “Friends or family nearby?”

You shake your head, you eyes begin to brim with tears. He reaches out to you slowly, his fingers graze your forearm as you explain your situation, how you haven’t heard anything from your family back home. He smiles brightly when you mention your home country. “I’ve been there! ” He exclaims seeming so happy to have found something in common that you can’t help but feel guilty.

“I’m sorry.” You suddenly blurt out to him feeling like such an inconvenience. “I’m sorry I don’t speak Korean. I’m sorry you had to find me.”

“Aniyo, no.” He wraps his arm around your shoulders. “Don’t be sorry. We will learn together, Okay?” His bright voice pauses, as if realizing he’s made an assumption his face drops again. “Can I stay here, right?” You immediately nod making him chuckle, “Good.”

...

You wake early the next morning only to find Hoseok snoring on the bench opposite yours. Not wanting to disturb him you limp off to the tower entrance. Clutching your sleeping bag like a cloak wanting to keep its warmth as you raid the empty tower, finding a gas stove that ran off propane tanks even larger than the one you had brought up with you. As the rice begins to steam you hear Hoseok calling your name. You peak your head out from the kitchen to find him with a distressed look on his face. Upon seeing you he hops over the bar counter advancing quickly to pull you into a hug. Confused by the sudden display, you’re left speechless in his arms as he holds you,.

He tugs you back lowering his eyes to yours. “You left...” he sighed.

He must have been worried when he woke up alone, you hadn’t realized how upset he would be. You thought you needed his company more than he needed yours, but clearly you were mistaken. “Sorry, you were asleep.” You apologize, he nods and blushes when he notices he’s still holding on to you.

But when he glances down to see the state of your leg he becomes distraught once again. “What is that?” He points to the bandage.

“Neugdae...” You offer with a slight smile. “I met one too.”

“Aissh, sit.”

“But I was cook...”

“Sit.” he repeats, his stern face appears so unyielding that you know you won’t win against him. He goes to the kitchen and finishes off the meal.

As you eat together you ponder on what comes next. You found each other, there’s enough food for as long as the expiration dates last, but what should you do from here? Should you leave the city? Are there other towns and cities that still live on despite the plague? With the loss of power and communication it’s impossible to know. Your family lives to far away for you to even consider going to them to be a possibility, but what about his?

“Are you from this city? Was your family here?”

“Not here.” He grabs one of the travel maps from a nearby desk. “ They’re here, in Gwangju.” He points to a southern province.

“Do you know if...” You can’t even bring yourself to finish the question.

He shakes his head. “We lost...phone...no,” He searches for the word. “Contact, we lost contact.” His expression is so grim. You take his hand in yours holding it hoping to give him some comfort. “Thank you,” He whispers back with a dim smile.

“When should we go?”

His eyes widen and his smile grows, becoming more natural. “Meet my family... beolsseo?” He laughs back to you, but you miss the joke without a translation.  He looks down to your leg, “We’ll go, when you heal.”

...

The next day though your leg becomes even more swollen. Hoseok had shown you the right ointment to use but the wound started to turn red around the edges. Unfortunately the infection spreads quickly as you progress to the stage of a fever hours later.

He flips through the pages of your dictionary. “You need stronger...” He points to the word antibiotic on the open page. “I can go find them.”

The thought of being left up here alone doesn’t sit well with you. What if something happened to him, what if he couldn't make it back, it’s not like he could call you. You had already lost one friend in a similar scenario you have no plans on losing him too.  You try to brush off the seriousness of your condition. “I’ll be okay, I don’t need anything else.”

“No. You are not okay.” He turns to take his pack and bat placing the mask back over his face.

In a panic you grab his wrist, trying to convey your fear to him. “Please, don’t leave me.”

He kneels down to you his eyes piercing yours as he brushes the hair from your face. Replying softly, “Aissh, you’re the one trying to leave first.” He scolds lightly with a smile trying to calm you.

You are anxious about being alone for a few hours, but he is clearly worrying about being alone for a lifetime. He sighs pulling another black mask out of his back and places it over your mouth and nose. Remaining crouched he presents his back to you. “Gaja. Let’s go.” After pulling your arms around his neck he supports your thighs on his hips and hands.

You lean your head against his shoulder giving in to the wave of exhaustion presented by the fever. He descends the mountain slowly with you on his back. A soft hum coming from his lips as he takes each step. He checks in with you when you begin to fall quiet.

“Still with me Kkochiya?” You nod, not recognizing the last word, he placed such an emphasis on it it sounded important. You try to keep it in your mind to look it up later but you to fall into another haze preventing you from keeping your focus.

There's a jingling sound of something that might be keys and the small beep of a car unlocking. You look up to see an expensive vehicle pulled right up to the secured gate. Public sites like this one were the first to be closed and locked up during the outbreak, but at least now they’re able to give you guaranteed reprieve from the death you had seen. Hoseok rests you into the passenger side buckling your belt for you. He mumbles a mixture of Korean and English, you can only pick out a couple words. “Not far... not far.”

He’s right, it’s only a few minutes before he cuts the engine. You wince as he opens the door. The smell that you had escaped up on the mountain returning to your senses. The mask provides you with a little relief but your eyes still water from the stench.

Hoseok breaks open the glass door of the pharmacy with his bat, and reaches in to undo the dead bolt. You wait in your seat chuckling lightly as he calls out “Sorry,” to no one in particular for breaking the door.  

He comes back to the car to carry you in with him. Setting you down on the counter he begins his search for something that might help you, locating what must be the pharmacist's reference book. As Hoseok flips through the pages his face scrunches up in concentration. He takes a massive bottle off the shelf and checks the reference text a few more times before opening the container and giving you a pill along with some water.

“Thank you,” You whisper.

Hoseok bows his head giving you weak smile. You shift yourself to side off the counter when he stops you. “Stay, we should stay here.” His nervousness showing through, he must want to stay close to the pharmacy so he can be sure he gave you the right medicine.

He takes the time to clean and bind your wound.  Every now and then he looks up to you to see if it’s too tight or if you are in pain as he wraps the bandage.

Hoseok drags in blankets that he stores in his car. You spend that night on the pharmacy floor. Sure there are plenty of homes around with unused beds but you both know if you step into one of those houses what you would find. You aren’t ready to force yourself to see those sights again, if you can avoid them you will.

You can tell that he is still concerned with your fever still present, giving you another dose of the antibiotic before falling asleep, He holds you close as you shiver in the dark, his presence soothing you into another sleep.

The next morning you feel his palm against your face.  

You open your eyes to see his bright smile. You blush as he kisses your forehead holding you to him with the biggest grin upon his face.   

“Dahaengida. You’re not hot.”

“Ouch,” you scoff, holding back a laugh, curious if he will catch on to his own words.

“Aniyo,” he whines pushing gently on your shoulder. He mutters something else but doesn’t bother to translate it for you, allowing you to laugh instead at his fumble.

...

You take things slowly over the next couple of weeks. You return to your camp in the tower, but before your ascent back up the mountain Hoseok grabs a few books from the library next to the car park. He pulls a variety of titles for those who wished to learn english. He smiles shyly as you looked over them, handing you a copy of korean for beginners that you had requested.

It’s an odd feeling really. After watching so many shows and movies you thought if something like this was to happen that every day would be a struggle to survive, but you’ve grown quite comfortable. Each day you both study and plan your trip south and at night you sit by the fire, setting off a flare as darkness claims the city, searching to see if anyone else needs to be found. Your feelings towards Hoseok grow stronger with but you can’t help but feel doubt lingering within you. He is the kind of person you could have only wished for before the events that took everyone else away. Your sentiments towards him would be the same no matter the setting, but are the same desires true for him? Every night since the pharmacy he holds you close while you sleep, as if he’s afraid he might lose you while he dreams. His glances and touches linger on you more as time passes. But this need for you... is it simply from the situation or does he hold the same feelings as you. It is not the kind of question one can convey easily even in your native language.

As you lay by the fire one night, you try to bear your concerns. “You wouldn’t let yourself settle for someone would you?”

He looks at you with confusion, “Yes... I’m settling with you, we are living here.”

“No settle for me, to settle for less... forget it...”

“No tell me.” He begins to unwrap a bar of chocolate you had taken from the gift shop and takes a bite looking at you.

Your dictionary is no help at all in this concept of feelings, you’re on your own for this one. “Do you prefer chocolate bars or cake?”

“Cake, you have cake?!” His eyes light up giving you his answer.

“No,” you chuckle at him. “But would you say they are similar?”

“Yes...”

“You prefer cake to chocolate but since there is no cake you settle for less, you settle for chocolate. Does that make sense?” You ask flustered.

“You’re saying there’s no cake?”

“I’m saying that I am the chocolate!” You burst out.

He looks at you with a surprised expression. You doubt you got through to him as his next word comes between laughter “Masiseo.”

...

With your leg fully healed it’s the last day before you leave the city. Limited by the lifespan of gasoline you will only have a year at most before it oxidizes beyond the point of use. The sooner you head out the more area you can cover and time you can devote to your search on the way down to Gwangju.

You both venture down the mountain to do a few tasks before you depart. The first stop is the little strip of land which juts out right into the Han River beside the Banpo Bridge. This spot has become an area you frequent regularly. The formation providing adequate shelter from the flow of the river makes it the perfect place for bathing and washing... with the exception of the frigid temperature.

The water as usual is absolutely freezing. You agree to bath on opposite sides of the narrow land bridge, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t hear his high pitched stream of curses as he steps into the water. You snicker but find yourself doing the same once the water reaches your waist.

After a few minutes you hear another loud swear followed by, “Kkochiya?” There he is using that word again. You tried to ask him about it but before but he would only grow embarrassed and steal the dictionary from you. Not giving it back until you promised you wouldn’t look it up.

“Mmm?”

“Can I join you on that side?”

“What’s wrong?”

“There’s a big fish.”

“Says the boy who fought off wolves.” You laugh despite also growing flustered with his request, “Okay just give me a minute.” You move into deeper water taking the soap with you, turning your back so he can get in with some privacy.

After a splash behind you he gives you the all clear. He is only submerged up to his waist giving you the full view of his upper torso.  You unconsciously bite lip your lip in response. Realizing he was watching your reaction you mumble a sorry while he lets out a light laugh.  Was this actually why he wanted to come over, to tempt you?

After a quick wash to your hair you wrap it in a knot at the back of your neck. You spot Hoseok with a washcloth reaching for his back. In an attempt to prove your self restraint to Hoseok after your lapse you approach him from behind.

“May I?” You ask reaching out for the cloth. He stutters as you take it from his hand, still facing away from you. You run it over the muscles in his back, fingers drawing lines in the defined flesh.

“Gongjunim...” He lets out a low groan as you continue focusing on the spot between his shoulder blades, then slowly moving lower. His head lulls back ever so slightly as you reach his lower back.

You stop yourself before proceeding any further passing the cloth back to him over his shoulder. “I’m getting out. You coming?”

He breathes deeply as he responds. “I’ll follow soon... I need a minute.”

...

You stop at a couple stores on your way back picking up more supplies for your trip. New sleeping bags, propane tanks, a fresh line to siphon gas, and a few other necessities that might be difficult to come by.

“One more stop.”

You yawn from the passenger seat. “We should head back soon we still have to climb up.”

“You will like this place,” He promises.

He stops the car in front of the Leeum, Samsung Museum of Art. You’re in a state of shock, this had been next on your list of tourist stops you had planned before all the public sites were shut down. “How...how did you...”

He pulls out your dogeared travel book from his back pocket and places it on your lap, with a grin from ear to ear.

As he exits the car he takes one of the camping lanterns you had found earlier that day. The museum was breathtaking, holding a mixture of historical and modern Korean art. The classical section had to be viewed mostly by lantern light. With Hoseok leading the way he holds your hand between each piece. The lantern and darkness added an unexpected viewing perk, allowing you to fully appreciate one display without being spoiled by a view of the next.   

The only other distraction is provided by Hoseok. He watches as you examine each piece. Smiling beside you when you become wide eyed or gasp at the beauty of the work. Standing there with him in the dark feels so intimate, at night you are together but you are also surrounded by the noise of the wind and wildlife. In here it’s just you and him, with the dark placing a dependence on your other senses. The sound of his breath echoing beside you. The warmth of his hand on yours.

As you look at the last work of art he drapes himself over you. His chin resting on your shoulder while his arms cross in front of you, the sweet smell of his hair wafting into your nose. “Aleumdabda...” He mutters beside your ear. After your studies you now know this world to mean beautiful. You nod in agreement still looking at the masterpiece. He lets out a brief sigh next to you. “Nae sarang...” He pauses as if racking his brain for the words to continue his thought or possibly a translation. Shaking his head he simply mutters, “Gaja,” and directs you out of the dark room.

...

That night you pack up everything that you need from the tower. With the supplies assembled you sit together in front of the fire on the outdoor platform one last time. Slowly drifting off as you watch the flames in front of you. Your head coming to rest on the side of Hoseok's leg. He rubs your hair gingerly with his fingers as you fall asleep.

It’s still dark the next time you open your eyes. Woken by the sound of scratching metal. You look over to Hoseok who is looking very intently at something in his hands.

“What’s that?”

“Oh sorry.” He blushes trying to hide the small object when he realizes you’re awake. You catch his finger quickly to find something cool and hard in his grip. It’s a lock, he was scratching your names into a lock. Your thumb rubs over both the English and Hangul spellings of your name and his. He must have found it while you grabbed your supplies that day.

You look over to the wall of padlocks a smile tugging at your lips while a blush rises on your skin to match his. First the museum and now this. You had suspected, you had hoped that the museum was his idea of a date. You can see now that he’s trying to make the relationship between you and him real not just in the present but as it would have been in the past. Who knew a lock could break a barrier you laugh to yourself.

You edge closer to him as he sits cross legged on the ground. Your hand cups his check. You watch as he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath clearly enjoying your touch. He gently kisses the heel of your palm that rests against his lips before looking back to you. He suddenly pulls you into the spot between his legs now holding your face in his hands.

You make one last attempt to see if this what he truly wants. “Promise... promise that you are not settling for me.”

He sighs with a smile, reaching back to your earlier conversation, “You are not chocolate. You are not cake. Neon naekkeoya.” He kisses your forehead, as he pulls away he gives you the translation. “You are mine.”

“Neoneun naui Kkochiya.” He whispers as his lips move down to your lashes touching those next,  “You are my flower.”

“Nae Gongjunim,” Now grazing the curve of your cheek, “My Princess.”

“Nae sarang,” He finally encases your lips in his, but instead of pulling away fully he whispers the next words against your mouth. “My Love.”

He has said all these words before but he never explained their meaning. You try to think back to when he first started using them but you find the mouth trailing down your neck enjoyably distracting.

You tug at his jacket with the intention of taking it off, he groans as if the thought of removing himself even for a second is unfavourable. Once its pulled away from his arms he latches back on to you with fierce grip.

His mouth continues to descend to your collar coming to the very edge of your shirt. As his fingers rest on the top button he pulls away slightly and looks up to you his eyes begging for permission to continue. Your hand raises to his helping to undo that first fastening. You thought he would continue with the rest quickly. Instead he draws the shirt opening down your arms exposing your shoulders and skin level with the next button. He proceeded to kiss and nip at every part of you he had just freed, only moving on to the next button once he is sure that he has given the area enough attention. Continuing his progress as if he's slowly unwrapping a gift and savouring every part of it.

Hoseoks breath shudders as he reaches your bra. With one hand cupping the swell of chest firmly. His other arm wrapping around your lower back to hold you close. His lips trail along the edge of both cups. He pulls the straps of your bra down to join the shirt that he has been slowly tugging down your arms. To continue his progress he lowers you down onto the makeshift bed you were sleeping on just moments before.  

He pulls his shirt off as you rest between his legs. You reach out to place your hands on his neck and draw him in for another kiss. Hoping that he would press his skin against yours, but he kisses the inside of your wrist with a smirk and continues where he left off. As he releases the last of the buttons of your shirt he removes it entirely.

His hands trail lower to your thighs, his thumbs pressing down in the front with his fingers reaching around to the back making their home right at the start of the curve of your ass. He pulls up your hips ever so slightly, his mouth  leaving his mark on a spot just above the seam of your waistband.

Hoseok bites his lip as he looks down at your hips now squirming in his grasp. You undo your button and zipper prompting a wishful reaction from him.

“Kkochiya?” He asks with a deep exhale.

You rise back up to meet him giving him the answer with the simple touch of your lips to his. A lustful grin spreads across his face which he can’t seem to control. He helps up tug off your pants and his own. Leaving your underwear on as he moves back over you placing his knee carefully between your legs. He leans back kneeling his thigh creating an incline leading to him. Taking your hands in his he raises you up, guiding you to a kneel as well but still separated by his leg. Your crotch coming to rest on him. With the pressure of his loin pushing back your underwear proves to be an ineffective barrier for your damp arousal. Hoseok lets out a sound somewhere between a  hiss and a groan. “Aissh Gongjunim.”

He drags you further up his leg, a whimper leaving your lips as you grind against him. A hand traces your jaw lifting your chin for a kiss. His other arm wraps around your hips pushing them down as he rocks you back and forth. You breathing becomes ragged against his mouth, but he takes it all with a grin and his eyes closed.

Wanting to elicit the same response from him, you lower your hand to his boxers palming the erection that had pressed against your leg when he pulled you forward. Your fingers run up to the tip but his hand grabs your wrist to prevent you from doing it again. He mutters against you with a sigh his head lowering your shoulder his expression strained. Had you done something wrong? Does he not want to go any further?

“Too good...” He explains quelling your fear with a smirk.

His fingers leave your wrist and float to the band of your underwear conveying his desire to continue. He pushes your underwear to the side, licking his lips as he watches a string of your arousal cling between you and the cloth.

Pulling himself through the opening in his boxers, he takes your legs and wraps them around his torso, supporting your weight in his hands as he slowly lowers you onto his cock. He perches himself just at your entrance, you feel his tip brush against your damp folds. He reaches for you with his mouth, stealing the moan from your lips as he shifts you down to take him. He rests there for a moment sheathed inside of you.

“Ah gibun joha.”  He moans in your ear. You find yourself clenching around him desperate to hear more from him, craving the sound of his words, his praise. He shifts to move back on top of you his first thrusts coming slowly.  

His name falls from your mouth as a plea.

“Yes, nae sarang?” He whispers back. Your head arches back with a deep breath, you’re so close. He tilts your chin back forward to meet you eyes,“Show me. Show me how.” His request needs no explanation. You take his right hand slowly licking the pad of his thumb. He arches back a little as you lower his hand placing the now moist digit on your clit. He takes the lead again, pressing down forcing another gasp to escape you. Twitching with each pass of his thumb, while his thrusts become more impactful. Your breathing catches, forcing you to inhale until you finally let out a satisfied tremor. A rush of warmth floods through you, your climax coaxing his too to escape.

Even after the final thrust he remains inside. The heat coming from him so desirable in contrast to the night air, it’s as if the light of day had reemerged to bathe you in it’s glow. It seems so simple now, you might be his flower but he is your sun. Keeping you warm, keeping you happy despite the barrier between you and the darkness that surrounds you.

...

Hoped you enjoyed it!  I’ve included the all the terms I used below,  some of them were already translated in the story but others I left open so here’s your chance to look them up.

Dictionary of Korean terms (In order of use)

Hangugmal hal julaseyo? - 한국말 할 줄아세요? - Can you speak Korean? Neugdae - 늑대 - Wolf Aniyo - 아니요 - No Beolsseo - 벌써 - Already Gaja - 가자 - Let’s go Kkochiya - 꽃이야 - Flower (in the form of a nickname) Dahaengida - 다행이다 - Thank God Masiseo - 맛있어 - Delicious Gongjunim - 공주님 - Princess Aleumdabda - 아름답다 - Beautiful Nae sarang - 내 사랑 - My love Neon naekkeoya - 넌 내꺼야 - You’re mine Neoneun naui Kkochiya - 너는 나의 꽃이야 - You’re my flower Ah gibun joha - 아 기분 좋아 - It feels so good