#i will get through these tough emotions
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Crazy wild shit man
#how are we straight up accepting the emmrich romance lich choice for how it’s written#does anyone feel me#hello???#no one else can see the inherent tragedy in this?#maybe I’m too mort ass pilled but um. trading away your life to escape death is no life at all#and why can’t rook be like. you killed yourself and took yourself away from me and now you have no skin for me to caress and no warmth for#me to share and though it’s still your consciousness you’ve a) gained a perspective I can never ever share and b) you have accepted#outliving me so thoroughly that I will be just a drop in the bucket of your life even if I get another good 50 years out of life.#why can’t I ask him is all this worth it without your heart????!??#why can’t I break it off?!!!???#why do I HAVE to celebrate this choice#emmrich volkarin#dav spoilers#and that’s not even getting into the philosophical questions surrounding fear and what it means to live like.#emmrich… has ocd. and I have no doubt that those fears are truly debilitating (despite this almost never coming up in the narrative)#and essentially this choice is one about how to deal with it. acceptance vs avoidance. and we see no consequences for either!!!#if he chooses to accept this fear as a part of him and work through it WE SHOULD SEE THAT WORK#he should struggle!! and that struggle should lead him towards making peace with that fear#AND!!#if he chooses to escape from that fear— to actively avoid ever resolving it— we should see him struggle with that too!!!!#molding your entire existence around this fear to the point you embody it… where are the emotional consequences for that!?#WHY DO I— AS SOMEONE WHO SUPPOSEDLY LOVES HIM— NOT GET ANY OPPORTUNITY TO PUSH BACK OR ASK SOME TOUGH QUESTIONS?!?#in a game about the tyranny of immortality… we can send our beloved to kill his mortal self to come back as an immortal husk.#and we’re not even allowed to be sad abt it the very next scene is some goofy cartoon shit at the lighthouse where every single person just#immediately accepts this reality and has no issues. not even taash 😭
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this soundtrack genuinely makes me so emotional like damn. the jack vs fiona scene at the end of ep 2 is already so perfect and then they had to go make this beautiful as hell ost with it too. those bastards
#yeah im gonna gush abt the borderlands ost again#it slaps so hard and i dont see many people talking abt it SOB#but this one especially got me by the balls#cause it really adds to the intensity of the decision of whether you should trust jack or fiona#like you can feel rhys' nerves and conflicting emotions through the soundtrack alone#cause even tho you yourself know jack is Bad and fiona is the objectively good option you also know that rhys has a different perspective#fiona is a pandoran con artist which should be reason enough to not trust her (dude is NOT immune to hyperion propaganda)#but shes also tough and survived for 29 whole years WHILE ALSO protecting her sister so she's gotta be doing something right#and even rhys could tell fiona is very genuine. plus they set out to find the vault together so he kinda has to trust her at some point#but then theres jack who hes idolized for so long and hes literally in his ear telling him not to trust fiona#but trusting jack means giving jack way too much access to his cybernetics and even tho hes a massive fanboy hes also aware of jacks nature#and on top of this hard decision theres also a time limit. like he had to make this choice on the spot#IM TELLING YOU MAN THAT SCENE IS CRAZY. I GET GOOSEBUMPS THINKING ABOUT IT#and no matter who you pick at the end youre always like 'well. this doesnt bode well'#because youve either essentially given jack access to your brain or youve pissed jack off and neither of those are good#rhys was in a lose-lose situation there#txt
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I’ve been re-listening to dndads s1 and i just finished the last episode again… im inconsolable
#i started lostening to dndads at a really tough time in my life and everything was changing. i felt like i had nothing to cling on to#but dndads was the one thing that made things feel good again. it was the one thing i could hold onto when my life felt like disaster#it was the one thing that genuinely made me feel happy and im so glad that i had this podcast to get me through what felt like hell.#i would say that i wish i could listen to this podcast for the first time again. but i experienced it at the most perfect time in my life#that its had a lasting effect on me and i wouldnt change that for the world#i sometimes wonder how dndads would have affected me if i hadn’t experienced it at that time in my life#i occasionally listened to episodes in 2020-2021 but stopped after the first few episodes#what if i kept going? what if i had finished season one in 2021? would it have impacted me the same?#anyways…#oughhhhh#ouuuuuu#ououoooouuuu#uuuuuuuoooouuuuu#<- thats me crying :’)#dndads#dungeons and dads#dungeons and daddies#dndads s1#dungeons and daddies s1#im so emotional rn
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guys im so sorry depression and evil thoughts have been kicking my ass again and ive come to the realization that i will always have to live with them. not fun but i am going to sleep now so hopefully i feel better in the morning.
#if you guys are going through the same thing this time of year#because i know it's a tough part#you're not alone#this is a safe space for you#i know im very vocal about my emotions even though i don't have to be#but it's because it's so important to talk about it#i just have to get through finals and i'll be okay again#but right now im not and i think it's alright to admit that#anyways. i'll stop saying all the things i can't say irl on here#and let you guys know that i love you#depression might be kicking my ass but it's only left me with bruises#those heal so i'll be alright#auburn's rambles <3#tw depression#tw mental health
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you ever miss your comfort character so bad you gotta go outside about it
#idk i've been pretty stressed that's probably why i randomly got rly sad abt it#and by it i mean the uh. gestures vaguely at fandom i guess#either nobody's there or it feels like i'm not exactly welcome. or both! which tough shit i'mma take up the space regardless but like#this weird sense of elitism I get in a space that's built by and nurtured by people whose MO is 'caring a lot' is.. hm.. interesting#idk just got reminded this morning that some people view critique as a free pass to drag a creator through the mud#when what you SHOULD be doing is uplifting them so that they can improve and reach their maximum potential. you clown. you absolute buffoon#it wasn't targeted at me or anything it just made me so angry/sad. smad. i'm smad about it#i just get hit with a wave of what's the point. what's the fucking point nobody cares abt things made with passion for the love of the game#we don't have time/it's not good enough/it doesn't matter/it's been done better/why x when we have y#and you know what fair enough everyone's entitled to their own emotional responses of course.#if you think your opinion is reason enough to tear it down then we're gonna have to agree to disagree on that one i think#just keep in mind that you could have loved what they made. other people could have loved it. it could have changed something for someone.#i personally know artists and have worked with artists who have put so so much effort into making something work over and over and over#only to have no audience and get back up saying guys let's give this just one more try.#hell back in the day I was an accomplished writer kid who was told that you may be good but nobody gives a fuck#artists who use up all these resources just to bring something new into the world and nobody's looking. what's the point. what's the point#anyway. i'm gonna go wade through the snow for a bit maybe sink my bare hands into it you guys want anything#started the post thinkin abt my blorbos ending it crying putting my shoes on alright I'm going I'm GETTING the FRESH AIR fuck off#i'll be god once i've gotten a bottle of coke and some mozzarella sticks. wait am i pmsing. fuck#god i hate that i don't drink sometimes.
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fr tho i do truly believe ms paint had a hand in it. it forced me to stop being obsessive about getting the lines Just Right, it's forced me to just be okay with how things turn out. and it turns out not obsessing over having your lines be Perfect makes art more enjoyable!
ms paint is my savior and she means everything to me. she's done so much for me, been there for me for so long. i'm really happy that i went back to her, and i'm even happier that she allows me to do art, even with my shitty wrists
#🔪.text#yeah i'm getting emotional about ms paint so what#why do you think i got a custom to commemorate it?#just for funsies?#i mean yeah partially for funsies#but mostly because of how much it has done for me#it was the first art program i ever used (and i used it for a long while)#and now it is my primary art program alongside medibang#it has gotten me through these tough times#i owe everything to her#okay i'm done being emotional about stuff now lol
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Thinking abt Phoebe x Crystal
#both in the context of my polycule but also stand-alone too!#I think abt how Phoebe would probably fall first#and bc I hc her pyro powers tie to her emotions there has been a few times where Phoebe gets super flustered#whatever she’s holding starts to smoke/smolder#also!! her rockstar/musician archetype is a huge flirt and would totally flirt with Crystal#( or Crystals dancer archetype )#also! thinking abt how Crystal is very observant regarding when Phoebes mental state isn’t great#and helps her through those tough times since Phoebe it with her so often#wagh I love them#cosmic chatz
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I've always seen posts about how bad it hurts when your kid is heartbroken, and I don't have a kid but l've helped raise my niece for so many years and through so many milestones, always there for the important and the not important stuff and she feels more like my little sister than my niece. She's tough like me and also a teenager so she keeps her emotions to herself and I gotta say her coming into my bedroom earlier crying and defeated about this boy - hurt in a different way because I can’t fix that.
#first loves#I went to work stressed!!!!!!#she texted some updates throughout the day though and they talked and are ok for rn#I’m so glad but also now I’m nervous for her and them because it’ll be so bad#on one hand I know she’s tough and would be ok and it’s ok to let go sometimes#but it’s her and I don’t want her to be sad#or if he sucked overall but he’s actually a really good kid and they’re good together#and they’re never apart and it’s been like a year and a half#so her confusion was so sad#she’s also weird with her emotions like me so I know she’s been going through it the last couple days#today was just the worst of them and I hope tomorrows better#I had mentioned to her to ask him to take a walk on the crusty beach nearby us to talk#and I looked at her location a bit ago and she was there was cute#they both turn 18 next month so it’s time to start growing and dealing with stuff in a different way#I can also legally beat him up if I had to lol#we all like him so it was even confusing to us like get it together brother#I’ll find out more later but hopefully all is well
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therapy is expensive, Ants From Up There by Black Country, New Road is free
#been havin a rough time lately so i put the album on and played guitar through basketball shoes#every time i listen to the album im left with a hollow feeling#the album i guess helps me understand my emotions more even when they're not related to the topics of the album#the album just has a very tight connection to me emotionally and i am so happy i have the album to keep me comfort#about that hollow feeling btw like. idk i think thats my brain being devastated at my life but instead of feeling outright bad its more neu#the word neutral got cut off there#im losing track of my post here#basically i love this album#thank you Isaac Wood. wherever you are today i hope you're doing okay#you helped me get through emotions i never understood#tough times i wasnt strong enough to fight on my own#thank you isaac.#black country new road#bcnr
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still feeling bad even after food and a couple hours of sleep. how mean
#one of these days the yearning for an understanding person to come home to at the end of a day will end me#until then i will probably have to complain about my stupid suffering#why must humans be a social species and why must i crave things i cannot have lol#why must i be stuck living with people i cannot ever trust again. want to be around people i like and who i can be vulnerable with#tbh if i still was as whiny in real life as i am on here most days i'd only get to hear 'shut up' and 'tough luck. man up'#and that is Not It. would only make me feel worse. so i keep quiet and keep to myself#which does not solve my original problem at all#maybe one day. maybe one day i can just be a beloved pet that doesn't get scolded or belittled for seeking comfort#that one thing my parents said to me 15 years ago still haunts me#'only people who deserve it get hugs' which was used to deny me comfort/affection. because apparently i am not worthy/deserving 👍#i was 13 going through the most vile shit at school but bc it affected me negatively and my parents didn't like me at my mentally illest#they just straight up denied me any type of comfort or support. took away my belongings. made me stay in my room for months on end#as corrective punishment. but none of it made me better. just made me worse. idk idk idk#all the shit they put me through. the emotional and physical punishments. the beatings borne from frustration#and still some part of me wants to seek comfort from them. BUT I SHOULDN'T. they broke my trust and my heart and soul so many times#it'd be straight up suicide to open up and be vulnerable with them again... lole running chest first into a wall of knives. no.#sorry. really in it tonight. gonna try to be more normal tomorrow
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just took so much psychic damage listening to the live performance of fast car
#it was incredible dont get me wrong#but i had completely forgotten how much i listened to that song from june-november of this last year#i think it was second on my most listened playlist#and i'm now faced with the unfortunate truth that it now brings back a lot of really tough things#the first note hit and i was like. fuck. i was listening to this song when so so many pieces of my life imploded#almost started weeping#had the same experience a couple days ago when fucking. people like us started playing at a family dinner#i was INSTANTLY shot back to looping that song just trying to force myself through the day a couple months ago#fast car is a different experience tho bc i just happened to be listening to it when some real bullshit went down in my life#so now i'm like fuck dude i love this song and i /wasnt/ using it as an emotional crutch but now it reminds me of [redacted]#ALSO#fuck my ENTIRE life but carry on my wayward son is now one of these things for me too#list of things i have in common with the winchesters: carry on wayward son was playing as my brother died#(i know that it wasnt diegetic in spn but fuck man)#vent#lea speaks
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apparently I preordered an audiobook when I had a free one from audible (yes I know but if they want to give me a poor person an audiobook I am too weak to resist, also it's how I get my stormlight archive fix every few years) and I don't know what it is and I am also afraid to check because I am a very weird coward with issues about notifications
#what could it be#i know its not stormlight archive 5 because i would be having way more an excited fit if it were#them fuckers are my number 1 comfort books to listen to and it would be cool to have a new one#sighs#last time i checked everyone was theorizing kaladin would die in 5#which i will accept with dignity but it will make me very sad because (sincere moment)#kaladin stormblessed being his depressed and traumatized and extremely ill self and both continuing anyway#but also recognizing that he couldnt continue in the same way#have helped me get through some real tough shit#also navani strangely enough who i was like okay with up until RoW#but then getting more of her experience while i was being severely emotionally abused kinda... yeah#but yeah my new audiobook isn't stormlight 5 so#maybe if i force myself to check it'll be a fun reveal#and then i can listen to a book i was apparently into enough to preorder#last new book i read was in august 🙃#and i feel such pressure to read so i can be a better writer#but i dont waaaaant toooooo because emotions can be painful and i don't want to hurt#sincere moment over#positively i have written 26kish words and i kind of have an idea of how things fit together#just gotta clme up with the overarching structure for this one#the present-past flip-flop was an accident that came from the fic starting out as a one-shot and then getting Too Fucking Long#and then i decided i liked it and had a little fun time trying to tie each part to the next with some specific imagery or theme or event#this one can't do that... or at least not in exactly the same way#i have a couple of ideas and i guess ill see what works#i like gimmicky bullshit too much and i apologize#but luckily no one has to read my fics so they can't complain that im gimmicky#on thursday i have a dreaded dentist appointment but on the plus side i have often written the best in medical waiting rooms#fingers crossed#(also on thursday i am getting a pakige with stuff that will let me set up a 2nd monitor and that is exciting)
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how is a man supposed to odmaturovat when my head is soooo empty but also soso so so full o(-(
#not art#crys#přituhuje přituhuje#anyway předmaturitní období is going completely /fine/ for anyone asking#pap has been sending me bronze age memes ive been scrolling through pictures of birds for two hours and who knows what aras be doing#cryptid at this point#dsjhc but anyway history+art 🤝bio+chem🤝math+phys - not having a single clue what we doing hsjkdhsa#solidarity#also i managed to last minute hyperfixate on a most beloved book series from my childhood hdkashdahkj#which i have been doodling amongst my equations lmao so once im done with all this ill be posting some things for that#since AF be holding my hand throughout these tough times ✊but like on one hand#emotional support beloved book...on the other hand gET OUT OF MY HEAD WHAT A BAD TIMING-#hahjahjkhs not to worry i will also come back to what i usually post once all this is done#only -checks watch- 7days UH OG HAHA ANYWAY and uhhhh then a month to speedrun studies for UNI entrance exams#but after that!!!!! ART TIMEE YIPEEE finally ill work on my liu//shen and N/HS animatic that ive been looking forward to for like a year no#lol#also speaking of liu'd shens#im that meme of squidward next to his window and spongebob and patrick is everyone talking about new cultivate chapters jhdkshdks#soon.....i will be able to catch up soon.......HAJHKS#anyway thats about it#im soooooooooooo tired my bones feel like theyll fall off and my brain is meltingg o(TヘTo)#but eh- gtg back to organic chemistry now bye byee everyone have a good day kissb xD
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#okay so#uh#hey guys#i keep...switching between my blogs#get ready to return#and then disappear again#it's just....#im going through some very tough times#probably toughest of my life#i had to give up the single most precious thing to me in the world#i'm trying very hard to write to take my mind off#but it's.....difficult#sometimes the pit on my stomach is so deep#i cant bring myself to write a single sentence#and others i want to write some terrible things to vent out#these soul crushing emotions#and im trying so hard not to#just#im sorry y'all#i....dont know what to do#im just very sorry#ooc#tbd#tw: neg#tw: negativity
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okay one more thing before I sleep. something I really want to focus on on this blog is itadori actually having time to process his emotions and grief. I feel we moved on so fast from junpei and quite literally everything else that happens to him. I want him to be able to console in others, to have days when he can’t force a smile, nights when he can’t sleep. I wanna write about that. Because over time, let’s be honest…his smile fades
#ooc.#ok ok ok so#I haven’t read the manga all the way through#the shibuya arc and after that#but I know the spoilers#and so yeah#I know it only gets worse for him#but I feel he just#never talks to anyone about stuff#pls let him open up#he’s so open but ???#when it comes to the tough emotions??#yeah anyways#just my own personal headcanons
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the emotional turmoil of the ending of my own book is hitting hard
#cal chats#it’s so tough to write#holy shit#writing#at this point I’m getting the ideas down and then I’m going to go back and adjust it#and my emotional turmoil I definitely do mean the torture I’m putting these characters through#👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻
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