#i will be severely disappointed in anyone who sends hate over this

[creaturecomplications]

So, I don't know if this has been said or not but here goes I guess. Do any other indigenous people start getting real nervous when they see a bunch of white people flocking towards particular causes? Because even as someone who can pass as white, I start getting a bit twitchy about it. In particular, I'm talking about how many white people on both the left AND right have rallied behind blatantly antisemitic ideals as a result of the conflict in Gaza and have, as a result, either heavily implied or outright stated that these ideals line up with an idea they have that indigenous identities have a time limit for how long you can say your people come from somewhere while not living there REGARDLESS of whether or not it was outside forces displacing them rather then it being of their own accord. REAL fucking convenient there, I'd say, ESPECIALLY when it was colonization done by white nations that resulted in the death and displacement of MILLIONS of indigenous peoples across the planet, not JUST in the US. I think native peoples across the globe should start getting cautious REAL quick if they haven't already about that. I've been trying not to say too much about all of this since I'm not Jewish OR Palestinian and I don't want to detract from them and their voices and suffering OR spread misinformation, but I feel like this needs to be openly acknowledged in some way so maybe a few of us will be at least marginally prepared when they turn these tactics on us, because if we're being honest, the Jewish people are the global guinea pigs to see how easily governments can sell these ideas to the people about other groups that they find annoying and distasteful in some capacity(read refuses to trust in people and entities that have already abused them). Please keep this in mind as all this continues and try not to fall down the antisemitic rabbit holes on either side of you can. Support both your Palestinian AND Jewish neighbors during this time so they know they are safe with you, and know peace for BOTH peoples SHOULD be the end goal. So far @prismatic-bell has been my main resource to educate myself when I'm on here, so please check them out if you're interested, and stay safe everyone!

[daycourtofficial]

I got cursed like Eve got bitten - part V

Pairing: Azriel x Rhysand's sister!reader | WC: ~1k | Warnings: mention of suicidal ideation

Summary: reports of a rare powered fae popping up in Illyria send Azriel and Rhysand on a journey through the past, unraveling a truth they thought long buried

Previous part | Next part | Masterlist

Lucky was not a word Rhysand had used to describe himself in a long time. It was a word he used frequently when he was younger - a boy king with the world at his feet. Now it felt like a harsh reminder of the ways he had been unlucky or perhaps lucky with despair. Losing his mother and sisters all those years ago was a sore spot on his soul, one that ached less and less as the years went on.

He had spent the past few days with Azriel, going over the events of that night in excruciating detail. They mapped out the routes his family had taken, attempting to recreate the night minute by minute with everything they knew. 

“Did we ever actually see her?” Rhys’s words were desperate, a plea that they hadn’t overlooked her somehow, despite the fact she was sitting somewhere in his house right now. He rubbed his temple before tracing his fingers along the map, outlining the areas they had searched in the days that followed for any physical remnants of them. They wanted to ensure they had picked up any and all remains of them - they especially didn’t want anyone attempting to sell their things, a pretty penny for the clothes they had worn or the trunks they had carried.

“She died, Rhys. I felt it in my soul. She died.”

“Well, yes, but you and I are both in agreement that that is her.” Rhys’s fingers pointed in a vague direction. “She is drawn towards all the things she was centuries ago - moonberries, sweets, books. She only wears blue clothing for cauldron’s sake.”

The two males looked at the table, the High Lord deep in thought. “We received three boxes that night.”

Azriel stiffened, the memory of Rhys’s mother’s head too fresh after several centuries. Her unblinking eyes looking at Azriel, their glossy gaze screaming failure.

“We only opened two.”

Azriel stilled at the implication, his shoulders locked into place.

“Are you accusing me of lying?”

Rhys watched Azriel’s shadows move about the room, covering the windows to make the space darker. It caused Azriel’s siphons to glow, a pale blue light amidst the darkness, as if he were a lighthouse calling lost ships to the shore.

“No, I’m accusing Tamlin’s brothers of being liars.”

Azriel’s fingers dug into the wood, the slight pain unnoticeable to him amidst the usual pain his hands produced.

“But I felt it. I felt my soul cleave into two. I felt my world crumble. For a century now, I have been living as if I am half dead, as if half of my soul were missing. I have been limping through life because who am I to give up what was taken from her? No matter how badly I don’t want it.”

Azriel’s last words were barely a whisper, but Rhys stilled at the revelation, “Az, you’re not suggesting-”

“I am, Rhys. I thought about it a lot.” The room was so dark now, Rhys couldn’t see it but he heard the wood crack beneath Azriel’s grip. “I still think about it. But then my mind taunts me with visions of her. I see her face and I know she would be so disappointed in me if I gave up.”

“Az, she wouldn’t-”

“Yes, she would! She would hate that I move through the world as if I am limping. She would hate that I don’t live in our house anymore, that I move between your houses. She would hate what I’ve become in her absence.”

Rhys watched as his brother rose from his seat, steps untraceable despite his anger. He didn’t want to ask the question, but the words slipped from his tongue before he thought about them for too long.

“Az, how do you feel when you look at her?”

The shadowsinger stopped, shooting a heated glance over his shoulder.

“Like I’m finally alive again.”

-

Az spent the rest of the day untethered. He began by pacing his room, moved to pacing outside of Feyre’s door where he knew you resided, until now where he stood in the foyer, overlooking the gardens to watch you and Feyre move through the plants. A hand on his shoulders catches him off guard, too preoccupied to hear the shadows warning him of his brother’s presence.

“How is she?”

Cassian’s voice was gruff, his grip a little too tight. He knew Cassian was struggling just as they were, perhaps even more due to the decision to keep Cassian away as much as possible. They didn’t want to overwhelm her, and they knew between the three of them Cassian would be the best at keeping his distance. 

Az and Rhys sure as Hel would be incapable of it.

Azriel looked to the side, wanting to obscure as much of his face from Cassian’s knowing glance. “She seems to be fine.”

Cassian tilted his head as he watched them move about the gardens, the two wingless females stopping at the gardenias. His thoughts wandered through time, to the many occasions he spotted her down in the garden with the male beside him in various states of undress.

Cassian slung an arm around Azriel, his grip tight on his brother’s shoulder. Azriel looked over at him, watching his eyes line with silver.

“Do you want to talk with her?”

Cassian breathed in through his nose, clearing the unshed tears from his eyes. “More than anything. But she doesn’t need that right now.”

Cassian swallowed hard, looking to his brother. “Yes she does. She needs you.”

Azriel brought his attention to you, watching you walk with Feyre, hating just how right his brother was.

Author’s note: how we feeling 👀 are we sad yet 👀👀

Permanent taglist: @vanilla-seabass @cyrygher @lees-chaotic-brain @topaz125 @chessebookgirl @fides25 @lady-of-tearshed @ashbatz @fxckmiup @lilah-asteria @justvibbinghere @daughterofthemoons-stuff @mybestfriendmademe @heartless-tate @tsunami-of-tears @idrkwhatthisisimsorry @olive-main @azrielsmate3 @pit-and-the-pen @durgenyx @dee-writes-smut @chairofchaos @thelov3lybookworm @berryzxx @throneofsmut @kennedy-brooke @prythianpages @itsswritten @acotarxreader @milswrites @the-golden-jhope @hannzoaks @secretlyhers @tothestarsandwhateverend

Azriel taglist: @brieflyclassymortal @thisiskaylin @magicstrengthandcourage

I got cursed series taglist: @doodlebugg16-blog @ceoofyearning @saltedcoffeescotch @acourtofbatboydreams @willowpains @anarchii @i-am-infinite @bsenpai @sstrohma @teenagellamaangel @allthatisbuck1917 @elsie-bells @rcarbo1

Thanks for reading ❣️

[spideymichelle]

me explaining through my tears that zoya's and the darkling's dynamic goes way deeper (in the books) and it says a lot about zoya's relationship with authority and power but also safety as a whole because of the (almost) parental nature of their relationship like the darkling is already playing favorites with her by the time she is 13

they are close enough for him to pick her over a lot of the older grisha's at the little palace for the possibility of getting an amplifier something we know is so special and not something just anyone could have yet he gave zoya that opportunity and when she felt like she failed him for protecting and releasing the cubs it broke her in a million pieces because she doesn't want to disappoint him

the darkling represented grisha's as a whole. he was their leader, their protector in a world that hates them and wants them eradicated, for a power they were born with. it is the way the little palace was meant to be a sanctuary for grisha's to feel safe, a place where zoya felt safe, yet it was the darkling was the first to completely destroy it and kill any grisha that wasn't on his side he was their biggest protector and he killed them in cold blood like that absolute betrayal

it wasn't just about her losing her aunt, he took away her home, the home she made with her aunt and lada and the one she made at the little palace the friends she made he took everything from her because she believed him when he said they would change the world together like she put so much trust in him, she gave him her power and he broke it so easily that wound just festered on because the darkling betrayed her just like her mother did in the past

and it just parallels the darkling with her mother so well because as a young child just wanted to make her mother happy which meant getting the highest grades, eating only half her meals so her mother could eat the rest, and stealing fruit from the duke's garden so her mother could eat them something she could get severely punished for by the duke zoya a young commoner girl who is from suli descent like she could have died but her mother never stopped her from taking them again and again and didn't her mother truly never saw her other than a pretty face that she could capitalize out of

zoya didn't make a sound on her wedding, didn't cry a single tear on her wedding, and never spoke out because she couldn't bear making her mother angry until the only person who ever spoke up for her was her aunt who almost beat to death for speaking up for her and even then could only be spent little over 2 months with her (mostly on the streets) before being separated for the next 7 years when she first goes back when she is 16. (they did write to each other)

the only adult that "cares" for her was the darkling he had continuous access to her, to groom her, to make her his perfect little girl. she is so desperate to impress him, to be around him, to be noticed, and worst of all he does. he gives her privileges, the important missions and she gets to ride his coach with him like he makes it known and clear that she is special, unlike her mother he gives her the attention she wants. but it doesn't really mean anything to him

he has no issue switching her out with alina sending her faraway as a punishment just like her mother had no issue selling her to a man old enough to have grandchildren of her age

zoya being stuck in a vicious cycle of being abused by people who should be protecting her

and it just speaks volumes that is zoya is the one who advocates for the darkling's victims because if she doesn't speak for alina, genya, liliyana and baghra who will

it speaks to her relationship with nina, her worries, her concerns about her, i wonder if all she sees is a beautiful and powerful girl with a deep love for her country with no support, no family i wonder if she sees herself so desperately trying to prove herself to the world

basically zoya co-wrote would've, could've, should've

*will be edited after i had a good night of rest and crack open the books again

[deathmetalunicorn1]

Omg hello again miss😍😍😍

Im here to annoy you with my req so...

I'll describe reader first, she's an obedient girl, like anyone who order her to do something- she'll do it, doesn't matter who they are,,, its either she's afraid to that person or she love that person so much or maybe she oblige them so that they won't look at her with dissapointed eyes(which she hate so much) Her personality is.. (can't describe it well) soft hearted, innocent being and is like "the sunshine" for everyone.

I want to see Hades, Poseidon, Thor, Beel, Loki, Apollo and Hermes reacting to her☹️

This sounds kind of like Baby-5, only with less murderous tendencies lol.

-Sunshine was the perfect way to describe you, warm, bright, and gentle. You were always gentle and polite, always willing to help others.

-But sometimes others, both friends and those who didn’t know you, worried about you, because you always seemed to go out of your way to help others, even if you didn’t want to do something.

-You were terrified of letting others down, something you grew up with, after your parents abandoned you for being ‘useless’, claiming you couldn’t do anything right, while in reality they abandoned you because they didn’t have enough food to go around, and you were the smallest.

-Ever since then, even after you passed and ascended to Valhalla, you always did your best to please others, doing whatever was asked of you.

-You hated being looked at with disappointed eyes, hated it more than anything in the world, just seeing someone looking at you like that is enough to send you into a panic attack.

-However, a god took a shine to you, seeing how hard you work, not realizing the severity of why you help others.

-He saw that you were so warm and bright, and so gentle, you were a perfect woman, a perfect marriage partner. You were adorably shy with some things, like when he would ask to hold hands, you would do so while looking away from him, your face blazing bright red. However, he would never force you to do something that you didn’t want to, but when he was testing a theory, after a report came in, he told you to do something you were against and you looked so terrified to disappoint him, not so much not wanting to do the task. He realized your fears early on, not wanting to disappoint others, and so to counteract this, so nobody would take advantage of you, he told you to only listen to him, and nobody else.

            -Hades, Thor, and Hermes

-You were obedient, following all of his instructions and doing everything you could to please him, beaming brightly up at him when you completed a task. He originally compared you to a dog, doing things in exchange for praise and head pats, but when you failed to do a task, not being strong enough to do so, you collapsed in a heap, covering your head, begging for forgiveness, refusing to look at him, refusing to look at the disappointment in his eyes. This surprised him, seeing your terror over disappointing him, and after looking into your past, finding out the reason you were like this and confirming it with a few more tests, he realized he could manipulate you. He gave the order for you to listen to only his orders and that you were to never take orders from anyone else. You followed his order, refusing everyone else, something he praised you for which made you beam and melt under his affections, and in turn, he would tell you to dote on him, showering him with your warm affections. He wasn’t going to share you with anyone else, and you were going to do what you were told, so you didn’t disappoint him again.

            -Poseidon, Beelzebub, Loki, and Apollo

[letters-from-dekarios]

Gale;

By the time this letter arrives in Waterdeep I will have already departed from Candlekeep. I have found several tomes relevant to your interests and have copied what I can, though given my inability to withdraw books from the athenaeum it may be wise for you to visit yourself.

We should return together, when you are free of your students.

You may tell Tara to stand down - I have been informed that my good friend Arnold the Dog already has an owner, and that if I try to smuggle him out of the city again neither you or I would be permitted entry in future.

Be grateful I prefer you to the dog.

To say that I have missed you would be an understatement. These few tendays I have spent within the library have been the longest I can remember.

I remain unsure that my research will be seen as adequate. I do not doubt your faith in me my love, though I am forever uncertain about what the world may think of an academic Bhaalspawn. I fear that you may be the only learned man who forgives me my lineage, and though I am not surprised I am…

Distraug-

Devast-

Disappointed.

We will be passing through Baldur’s Gate soon enough, I will give Jaheira your best. It will be strange to see the city without you beside me.

With all the love I have to give;

Dreuer.

P.S. if you try to trick me into using a filing system again I will start moving the bookmarks around in your books when you aren’t looking.

P.P.S. i look forward to seeing what part of you you inadvertently dyed purple. I have several ideas, none of them suitable to be committed to ink and parchment.

Loveliest Dreuer,

It pleases me greatly that you were able to find such information. Even the smallest of copied words is enough to begin another journey in my studies. I am sure it is plenty to begin with and will provide a good starting point to search for more if I ever have the chance to visit myself.

Once the summer sun rises and the students have taken their break, perhaps we can make the journey. I still have much to do, and much to prepare, but I can never pass down an adventure for the literary arts.

Tara will be pleased to know this! However, I have several questions as to how exactly you found out Arnold had an owner. If you risk my chance to visit the Athenaeum, I shall be thoroughly disappointed.

I have missed you greatly so, my love. The longer I spend within my books without your embrace, the more weary I become. Though I know you are safe, I only wish to be by your side.

Trust when I say that your lineage is likely the least surprising thing any academic society could come across! They simply judge others for where they cannot judge themselves. I understand your perception of it is and will forever be worlds different than my own, but you truly have nothing to become anxious over. I know you may hate that I would do so, for pride or ego, but I would use my name in a heartbeat if anyone attempted to discredit your research. I know, as well as any other person, how much effort you’ve put into this- if that doesn’t change the minds of even the most heartless, I’m not sure what will.

What matters the most is not what others think, my love, but what you think. Be satisfied with your works, and be joyous in your research. Only you can pave your path forward to academic achievements- and I know you well enough to have full confidence that you will accomplish all you set your heart to.

I’ll send coin for you to use within the city. I know I don’t have to, but I want to. Buy Jaheira a drink, or yourself something if you’d like. I have gone too long without spoiling you since you’ve been away, allow me to make up for it even in such a small dose.

The heart that belongs to only you,

𝑮𝒂𝒍𝒆 𝑫𝒆𝒌𝒂𝒓𝒊𝒐𝒔

P.S. If you even think of moving my bookmarks I will force the Netherese orb back into my body and use it. [ there is a small angry face drawn next to the text to convey that he is joking. probably. ]

P.P.S. Now I am going to lock you out of the tower until it returns to normal. I shall also solely blame this on you for not letting me label things. This is why we need the filing system.

[ there is an half-inked feline paw-print stamped at the corner of the page, some small splashes of ink surrounding it, indicating Tara was very much a part of the process in writing the letter. ]

text reads: gale dekarios

[novelconcepts]

vannat besties and 98.

98 - Recovery/Hospital

Natalie wakes slowly, a groggy muddle of heavy limbs and cotton-ball brain. Something is beeping. Her bedroom does not tend to beep.

Her arm doesn't usually have a needle embedded under the skin, either. Huh.

Bleary-eyed, she turns her head against a pillow not nearly beaten-in enough to be her own. There's a railing on the bed. The walls are sterile, the color of eggshells. It smells awful in here. So clean, her head aches with the punchy vinegar tang.

Or, maybe, her head aches for other reasons. The reason she's here, in a hospital bed. Where was she last? A bar. Her car, revved to 80 on back roads. A whisky bottle clamped between her thighs, the leather of her pants squeaking when she reached down and hoisted it free.

"You're lucky they didn't arrest you, you know."

She snaps her head off the pillow and immediately groans. Definitely a head injury. And a hangover. She's had plenty of both over the years to recognize the severity of that knock upon her proverbial door.

A chair has been pulled alongside her bed. In it sprawls Van Palmer, legs draped over one spindly metal arm, a paperback open in her lap. She looks tired. Unimpressed. Judging by the state of her hair and the suitcases she's hauling around beneath her eyes, she hasn't recently slept.

"What're you doing here?" Natalie rasps. Her throat is all needles, no matter how hard she swallows. She needs water, but the idea of drinking anything sends her stomach reeling.

Van doesn't look up from her book. "Behold. Your emergency contact."

"Since when?" Natalie didn't set that up. She'd have remembered. Probably.

"Since Tai redeveloped her sense of humor, I guess."

Natalie frowns. Tai. The one who paid for her last stint in rehab. The one who chucked Natalie on the shoulder, said, "You got this", and spoke no more of it. Her skin prickles at the memory, at the need of it. She hated Taissa paying. She hated Taissa walking away before she was even settled inside. She hated Taissa, though not half as much as she hated herself.

"I total the car?" It's not the real question. The real question is a splinter in her heart. I kill anyone? I hurt anyone? Why am I still doing this shit, Van?

Van's head bobs noncommittally. "Nothing a decent shop can't fix. You busted your head good, and you've got a stress fracture in...I don't remember. One of the ribs. Like I said, you're 98% luck."

Natalie scoffs, which hurts her throat and her head in equal measure. Doesn't do wonders for her heart, either. "Yeah. I feel real lucky."

"You should." Van looks at her, finally, and there's a heat in her eyes Natalie has seen in years. It sings of a cabin, a deck of cards, a queen of hearts. "I've seen this movie, Nat. We both have. You really want to watch it all the way to the credits this time?"

Natalie sinks into the firm mattress. She's twenty-four, far too old to be feeling cowed by an old friend aiming bullet-precision disappointment. The fact that it's Van is what counts. The fact that it's Van, who isn't smiling, isn't swinging her legs free to lean over Natalie's bed and squeeze her hand.

This is what Tai was playing at, she understands. Setting Van as the one they'd call. Tai always did know how to see the whole field.

"I'm sorry," she whispers. Van's sneakers flutter-kick in the air, her shoulders pulling back so she can inspect the ceiling.

"Yeah, Nat. That's always the first step."

She's furious, it's clear. Furious that Natalie would do this to herself. Furious that Natalie, of all people, who knows better, would play this game with fate.

But furious isn't enough to propel her out of her seat, this room, Natalie's misery. She ducks her head back to her book, and, without another word about Natalie's choices, begins reading aloud. She's right in the middle, some book about gods and road trips and wars. She does different voices for characters Natalie hasn't met before, and somehow, Natalie feels like she's known them her whole life.

Natalie listens until she falls asleep, and for a little while, the shame recedes.

[vicsy]

are u okay vic? sending love xx

(hateful ppl only have hate in their sad lives and try to bring everyone else down to their depressing level, don’t listen them!!)

frankly, anon? no, i am not.

and if you think about it, it's incredibly stupid to be all torn up because of a fucking sport I watch for general enjoyment but what else is new? i got into f1 when life hit the absolute possible low for me and it helped me immensely through it all, still does, and i found so many friends and wonderful people and i started writing again. it's pure fucking escapism coming back to bite me in the ass.

it hasn't been great to be an f1 fan lately because of events I don't need to be recapping - it's all out there in its disgusting glory, all over social media every single day. we're just being reminded of how rotten the core of this sport is and how high of a role money and power play. it's not new but disappointing nevertheless, considering there isn't much we can do to try and fix that.

but the hate among us, the fans? it's getting out of hand.

i will never go out on my way to police anyone's behaviour (it is never justified) but clearly there is a line between haha jokes and pure fucking malice. there is having genuine, critical conversations you can have (recently had one with my close friend and it was so refreshing to talk instead of secretly talk shit) and using this sport as a yardstick to measure someone's morals. it's been happening more and more, considering recent comments made by drivers in regards to the ongoing case that deals with harassment. that opened a can of worms that made ALL of us unhappy and even more disappointed, in one way of another. there is expressing genuine opinion and then there is being a hater because it's a trend.

are all Charles fans insane? are all Daniel fans delusional misogynists? are all Lando fans insufferable pricks? are all Max fans outright racists? are all Lewis fans stuck up? I could go on and same sentiment goes for each team on the grid. can we rightfully define someone by who they are a fan of? are we all required to make a statement each time a driver says/does something mindnumbingly stupid in order to, god forbid, not get cancelled along with that driver? can we genuinely bring a driver up without shitting on the other or is it not mutually exclusive?

there has been a barrage of hate towards several drivers and i get it, i do, it's sports, we're always gonna get like this. it's the whole spirit of it. i am not saying we can't root for someone and talk shit about the other. but again, i am seeing the waves of hate getting bigger and bolder, assumptions being made on the spot. people openly calling each other stupid over being fans or having a different opinion. in some ways any sense of compassion and critical thinking is dead in a ditch.

it wasn't like this before, if i am honest, but i am also a rather new fan. i am seeing all sorts of stuff on my dash both from people i don't know and from people i do know. it's a knee jerk reaction, to go and judge someone by posts and stuff, i know it but i made myself not do that. but i am just afraid of this ongoing trend of hate. i really am.

it just seems like there is no margin for error. your fave can either be squeaky clean, completely unproblematic, or they should be shot on sight. it doesn't matter if any of us acknowledge it or not. for some reason, it's a "you are what you eat" situation. and i find it rather unfair. you can separate person and a driver. two things can be true at once etc etc. none of it warrants wishing actual harm on other people.

so yeah, sorry for a rant. i'll stop now and, for what it's worth, i have been trying to unlearn the ways of "people pleasing", so here are just my thoughts that i don't think many will agree with but i don't want to bend under whatever popular opinions circulate here (especially by "big blogs"). i'd rather have people talk to me personally and i am always open to having a conversation, making friends and discussing opinions. those at the head of f1 management don't seem to do better but us tearing each other apart can also mean that we aren't doing any better, too. at least i personally think so. don't take my word as a generalized opinion.

thank you for the message, anon, i appreciate it. sorry again to be Like That. big hug!

[randomstranger24]

I’m certain a lot of people think I’m some deranged lunatic and will be skeptical and or just won’t believe anything I have to say. I totally get it and if it were me on the other end, I think I’d draw the same conclusion as well. It’s more than reasonable, but I promise there is a much bigger picture and I think you deserve to at least know another perspective. 

Not sure where to begin. I’ll start off first by saying I won’t be referring to anyone’s names or occupations to conceal anyone’s identity including my own.

I owe a big apology not just to the BoC fans, but also to Mike and Marcus, not that they would even give a shit, but if so, I’m sure they’d hate my guts. Yes, I am the original creator of the “Thrift Store Tape" and no, I am of no relation to the brothers, (no surprise there). I do feel spiritually connected to their music though if that’s of any consequence? (no surprise there either) I’m sure they’ll never see this, but I realize I could be viewed as an untalented hack and a giant piece of shit. This, I understand and I accept it. I never had bad intentions, I promise that, but it’s like they always say, “The road to Hell is paved with good ones”. 

Here’s how this entire thing got started. Regardless of what anyone might assume, I never in a million years set out to intentionally deceive people into believing this was some long lost BoC record. Hear me out and let me explain from the beginning. 

For years prior to all of this, I have been experimenting with recording my musical creations onto VHS and cassette tapes in attempts to capture those warm fuzzy lofi aesthetics, but Sometimes the final product is actually disappointing because you’d be surprised how good VHS tapes actually hold sound. So, fast forward 2018, one of my housemates at the time, who was actually the one who helped manage a Red White And Blue thrift store. This was the catalyst of what sparked this idea in my head after my housemate mentioned all the blank VHS tapes that were being donated.  

I Purchased a whole bin of tapes and started dubbing my music, (both old and new) onto the donated VHS tapes to send back to the thrift stores to be re-donated in efforts of someone finding them. Kind of like putting a message in a bottle and throwing it out to sea in hopes someone finds it. I would donate several of these VHS tapes and would leave my dubbed mixes over top of older shitty movies. I had the idea of rummaging through and curating all of my “Old Tunes” sound-alikes and Vaporwave tracks or anything sounding adjacent and placing them on several tapes.  

I probably dubbed well over a hundred tapes over the years since 2018, both used and blanks

I ended up donating most of them to several different thrift stores. Mostly old generic shitty “dollar-bin” movies that nobody really wants and generic kids cartoons. I would never destroy a collectible VHS or anything of value, so no worries there, but I doubt anyone will ever find the ones sent out and even if they do, they’ll most likely throw it away or something. I have a few tapes that escaped that were made with music that accidentally got deleted years ago and I would pay top dollar to get back, but that’s another story for another day. 

Anyway, So, my other friend (Not housemate), who, (we’ll just say, is an independent filmmaker of sorts) had the idea which kind of spawned from mine to do a found-footage VHS horror film project also known as “Analog Horror” or the genre at least. Now, keep in mind, this is the spring of 2020 during the height of the pandemic lockdown. So, time is all we had. 

I had the idea of using an ARG for people to solve to lead them down a “Rabbit Hole” as part of an interactive movie project. It would start off pleasant and would progressively get more sinister and darker and even more disturbing the further down you went. My main intention and goal was to hopefully have this project be the subject of topic on a big name youtube channel like “Nexpo”. I figured the music and aesthetic would all be “Old Tunes- BoC-inspired” and would give it a more suitable twist. I figured any fans that would ever come across it would take notice instantly that it was “BoC-inspired” or at least the music. I also figured the BoC cover tracks would add a few disturbing layers to the mystique of this “Rabbit Hole” mystery.  especially since we wanted to catch those "Backrooms" "Liminal Space" vibes.

I’m sure folks will be skeptical and that’s okay, but just hear me out on this and yes, I’d be thinking the same way too, so I certainly do understand any skepticism. 

Originally, the inspiration for the name “Strange Soup” Mixtape was used in the original upload in efforts to connect ties to this twisted bizarrely disturbing video titled “Blank Room Soup (Dark Web Video)”.

Now, you can do a google search about this video. It was a strange mysterious viral sensation for quite a few years after emerging on 4chan and has been a part of other “Rabbit Holes”. We ended up deleting the original video so that another one could be uploaded in place of it. 

The idea was to incorporate it as part of this story, but we needed to scratch other ideas altogether because the numbers did not properly equate to the letters we needed to start the ARG and time was running out. We also needed the upload date to fall in line with the project. The creation of these ARG’s are not easy to create. Believe me when I tell you. I’m just some uneducated moron, so figuring this stuff out took trial and error. Even with the help of my friend.    

Now, if all would have gone as planned, we would have opened another account uploading another tape in connection with the thrift store tape. We were in search of materials to craft out costumes like the one’s seen in the “Blank Room Soup” video and wanted to utilize the office space at my friend's school.  

Originally, this is how this should have all played out in order for this horror project to have worked. We needed The first video to be uploaded at a certain date in order to maintain validity for the ARG storyline so it could be incorporated into the film project. The goal from the start was never to deceive people into believing this was a “long-lost BoC record”. I’ll explain more below.  

The next step, after a week or two, was to have all of us post the link to the video in “thrift store finds facebook groups” in order to drum up the mystery. He and I shared the link on a few of the forums online such as Reddit and so on. The forums had absolutely nothing to do with music or ARG’s. Just thrift store finds and VHS collector’s groups. We wanted to build the mystery up and clue people in eventually. The original video sat on youtube for quite some time. It had like maybe 60-75 views after a month. That view count just stayed stagnant. Then one day in, I think late March out of nowhere, I got the messages in the comments. They were friendly at first with some people just mentioning it was “Boards of Canada”. I thought to myself, “Oh shit, they found the video”. Soon the view count just kept on climbing and Soon enough some folks started becoming hostile. I convinced my housemate to make a response video explaining everything. We all thought this was the best course of action because of how unbiased he’ll be for the simple fact, he has no idea who BoC is (Well, he does now lol) and he is not a musician, like, at all haha. 

Me and my filmmaker friend were excited at first that at least we had an audience now and could run with it. So I figured the response video my housemate put out would quell any outrage and save our project in order to move forward but, boy, was I dead wrong.

The views kept climbing up and the comments kept coming. People were becoming hostile and outraged. Things got way too real and I started to panic slightly. I have a bad anxiety disorder and it triggered it for sure. I just had all these thoughts like, “What if I get sued by the band?” I had nightmares of the brothers coming after me and them telling me how much of a piece of shit I am.  

BoC fans are some of the craftiest people you’ll ever come across, lemme tell ya lol.

They had somehow figured out the metadata from the original deleted video that was uploaded months prior. After it was confirmed and revealed to me they could dig this info up, I was in a full blown panic attack. I started hyperventilating. I messaged my buddy and told him what was up. He was against it at first, but I told him, “hey I have to delete this whole channel, they’re going to find out where I live next and who I am!” I just had the worst thoughts imaginable. 

So, I hit the “Killswitch” button and within minutes it all vanished like a bad dream. I was genuinely worried at first that I could potentially face legal backlash, but my friend explained to me that I wasn't out there putting any BoC label on it or even labeling the tracks and attempting to make any money from it.   

Some time had passed and the dust settled a little bit. I was kind of shocked to see people had ripped the original audio from the video and were sharing it to facebook and reddit and soon uploaded to Youtube. The “Dan Fingerman” channel was the first to reupload as I read through the comments and to my surprise they were all mostly positive. Some people thought for sure the music was BoC and others were skeptical, but most of them didn’t believe for a second, but yet still they kept talking about how much they enjoyed it. Even “David Firth” the creator of “Salad Fingers” left a comment at some point stating he liked the music, but didn’t care for the BS backstory. I was so happy that this music that had been sitting around for years on end had finally found a home somewhere. 

This music is only meant for a small niche audience. Most folks will not appreciate it. I think where I really fucked up, was becoming addicted to the excitement of seeing people enjoy the music that I had accumulated over a decade. Believe me when I tell you, there is more where that all came from. It is ridiculous the hundreds of unfinished or hidden tracks I have stored on several harddrives, VHS and cassette tapes, but I am happy to finally put it all to bed today.

Here’s where I need to really step up and take accountability for my ignorance and selfishness. 

Again, I was truly happy that people were actually enjoying the music so I did a foolish thing and ran with it like an idiot. All the hate and backlash that I will receive after all of this is all well deserved. Yes, I’m a giant loser, I'm an idiot, a talentless hack with no life. I’ll take the “L”. I just wanted to purge the last of this music and put an end to all of it once and for all. I think this was much needed and I can now move on with my life and stop obsessing over creating music that sounds like BoC. I can go back to writing and producing dark progressive black and death metal like I once used to lol.     

The day I discovered BoC’s music is the day it changed my life forever and how I saw the world through a new lens. I became obsessed with wanting to replicate their sound. I think it is more than relevant to talk about it to help illustrate my madness. 

Growing up in my teen years I was an extreme metal fanatic. I listened to a lot of black and death metal bands and played in many metal bands as a guitarist. My biggest influences were bands like Slayer, Immortal, Death, Opeth, Dimmu Borgir, Gorgoroth, Deicide, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest. You name it, If it was extreme, I was probably into them. I wanted nothing to do with any music that wasn’t extreme metal. I was very narrow-minded back then. That’s not to say I’m no longer a fan of metal, I’m just not as closed off as I used to be. 

As the years went on, I would watch my favorite front men from the most prolific metal bands give interviews and mention their musical influences and would always be blown away by how far away from metal their influences actually were. One of them would mention Radiohead in multiple interviews and naturally I got curious and started trying out “Radiohead" and soon fell in love with Thom Yorke’s experimentations. I think this is where my taste began to shift. I started getting into the “chill trip-hop’ genres and bands like Portishead, producers like DJ Shadow, Flying Lotus, and J Dilla. So pretty much the recipe for being receptive to BoC was already in the making. 

Eventually I stopped playing in bands after I learned how to play every instrument: Bass, Piano, drums and so on. It just got too hectic with everyone’s schedules to keep the dedication. I wanted so badly to learn how to write, record, and produce my own music. At the time I had a friend who used “Frooty Loops” to make Industrial beats, but that was about it and he would never teach me how to use the program. I wanted so badly to make my own black metal album and perform and record all the instruments as well as sing vocals.            

“Opeth’s” front man Mikael Akerfeldt influenced me in other directions from the metal genre and 

I eventually outgrew those desires and over time I became more interested in collecting vintage things like vhs camcorders, tape players, and record players. This really set the stage for me. Some years later, I was surfing Youtube in 2008 in search of videos on the drug `DMT" and a slideshow video of psychedelic imagery started playing and that’s when I was introduced to BoC's "Roygbiv" for the first time. As I was listening, it was like something inside of me was born. I’ll never forget that day. 

Now, I grew up in the 80’s and I distinctly remember “PBS” and the shows that would air back then like Reading Rainbow and Sesame Street. As I’m listening to Roygbiv, I was in this state of disbelief. How did they manage to pull that off? These sounds of rich warm vintage analog tones of the mid 70’s TV bumpers on public broadcasting networks. It took me right back to my childhood and unlocked this part of me that had been missing my entire life. I had shivers down my spine. From that moment, I instantly fell in love. I just had to find out who the creator of this music was. I did some digging and one comment read the band name and I sought out more of their music. The next track I listened to was “Bocuma" and it buried into my soul even deeper. I had both tracks on repeat all day. It took me back to the simple days of my childhood of the early 80’s. I just had to find out what software they were using. I wanted to learn how one could possibly recreate something of the past with such an unreal haunting aesthetic.  

I eventually found out this music was released in 1998 and that, of itself blew my mind as well.

I was so certain the music was from the present day using “present-day-computer-technology”.

Eventually, I got my hands on a computer and started to dabble in music production and also learned how to convert analog to digital and vise/versa. I had read on multiple forums and interviews of how they could achieve their signature sound and naturally I followed.   

I would damage and degrade tapes to record on them and I had some incredible results and as mentioned before, a lot of disappointment because VHS has such a good HIFI sound. Almost better than any digital. 

I would fall asleep and dream of melodies and try to figure them out. It got to a point where it plagued everything I did musically. Everything I would make would always end up sounding similar to their music. This is why I am happy today, to purge the last of it and move on with my life.  

Am I mentally ill? Perhaps? Am I a lunatic? Far from it, but I needed to get all this out of my system. I am sorry for everything and I hope you can just enjoy the music for what it is. It was never about clout or recognition. I'm not here to profit financially. All I ever wanted was it all to find a home. Thank you so much for even listening and giving it the time. I owe so much to them. They opened my eyes to a whole other artistic realm. Special thanks and gratitude all goes to the brothers for all the inspiration over the many years. Thank you Mike and Marcus. Your music has settled deep within my heart and I will take it to the grave. Thank you so much and Thank all of you for all your kind words that I probably don’t deserve. Thank you for taking the time to read. I am so grateful. 

[emerald-chan]

Hey Lynn! I hope you're doing well. I have finished the revised version if the message. As soon as you're done, I'll send it over to Dudley. And I was sure to add the people mentioned that are good members of the solars, and shouldn't be bashed.

✨✨✨✨

Hey guys, Rascal here. This particular message something's been coming for a long time now. I know that when it comes to the affairs of discourse with certain members or addressing behavior or contoversy, usually the co-leaders address and handle it then tell me the results. But this time its a matter that's gotten to a point where I was alerted to intervene myself.

My friend @LynnMagne has alerted me several times that the behavior of certain Solar members has gotten to a point where its no longer civil when it comes to disagreements, or are placing blame on other members for their actions. I've even gotten word that they refuse to listen to reason despite multiple attempts to defuse the situation or explain why their actions/words were wrong. I was also sent evidence of these actions through screenshots of conversations.

This tab only allows up to five images, but I can post the other evidences in the next post if necessary. Other rascals that have supported evidence are Davi Crossover, Dino/Mysticals and will post their responses/evidence and messages on their respective community tabs as well.

You're free to look at the below pictures that were sent as evidence of certain Solars actions. With that being said, we've come to a decided the only action that could fix this:

Banning Solar members who are also Rascals from the group and revoking their staff member status. Its not something I wanted to do, and I really hate losing people in the group, but I made the Rascals group so we could have fun together, not tear anyone apart.

There was an idea to monitor people, but this could require TONS of time and it would interfere with many regular members schedule. Not to mention that both sides would feel a lack of privacy as well. I don't mind when others want to have conversations or even disagreements, but when it escalates to a point they can't listen to reason, then we have to take action.

Last, but not least: I was also shown/told that The Solars often force Davi and Candler to not be friends with certain people due to these accusations. And many of them are incredibly serious, and shouldn't be taken lightly. Just because some rascals are friends with certain people, doesn't mean that they are the labels that have been put upon them.

It should be made clear that they shouldn't force others to end friendships. The accusations made also lead to them making their own reasons to ban people like Lynn, Davi, Dino, and Diego from the Solars. Its especially important to know that everyone-and I mean everyone-has a right to tell us problems regardless of age difference between members. We need to know about these problems and handle them together.

If we do introduce any new members from the Solars or otherwise, we suggest they work on themselves before inducting anymore members into the group. There are a few nice Solars which are Sean, Mandy, Nuke, Sonic Past Cool, Art Dragon, Clover, and Daniela. And I, nor anyone else has a problem with them. They're perfectly fine.

Sorry for the lengthy post, but this is something I've needed to address for a long time. I'm not personally mad at anyone, or holding a grudge. I'm just kind of disappointed in this coming to light. I can even understand if you're mad at me. I just want my friends to be safe as we work on what we love, either together or apart. We'll get back to the fun stuff (outside of new podcasts releasing and my Wish Rewrite videos) soon enough, we just need to get past this first.

Thanks for reading, and I'm sorry it took me a while to finally address this.

Sincerely, Rascal. 🐶

I think the draft looks good, but I realized I forgot to mention Candler as one of the nicer Solars. Overall, it looks good.

[readychilledwine]

Hello lovelies! Long post regarding requests below the cut 💜

Tldr located at the bottom. 💜

I currently have over 30 things in my inbox 😬

I am in the process of trying to condense similar requests down to maybe give a few people who are requesting very similar things something that covers what both parties want.

I also am just going to be just responding to some instead of giving them full fics or drabbles. There's a few that are very similar to fics I've already posted, WIPS I already have, or their ideas for things I've made multipart fics.

If it's similar to one I've posted, I'm concerned with those that I may end up almost copy and pasting with a few name changes, and that's not the content quality I want to give all of you nor the expectation I have of myself, so I will not be fulfilling those requests at the moment, but I want your ideas to be out there for someone else. If it's similar to a WIP, I'm responding with a preview of what's written. If it's an idea for an existing multipiece, you may get a little preview, or just the side eye emojis if I'm trying to keep things sneaky sneaky (like I am with Bound by Fate and Cat and Mouse)

*heavy sigh here*

Warnings for this next part - discussion things in my inbox related to requests I'm receiving for (insert several SJM males x pregnant reader)

I really don't know how to address this next part without risking some people getting upset, but I have to. If this next part upsets you, please know this is a me thing, not a you thing, and I genuinely hate saying no.

There's a few requests I'm going to let sit for a little bit or just delete, and if you are one of those people who sent them, I'm so sorry.

There's a lot that would require me to address very real fears that I, as a pregnant woman and soon to be mother, am currently dealing with, counteract, and have to watch for. I know it comes off very excuse-y because "writing is therapy," but I don't think any amount of therapy really stops a mother from being afraid for the safety and health of their child, especially a newborn who relies so heavily on you.

I've tried multiple times to start a request that's started to affect my own dreams about my child, myself, and what my poor baby daddy would do if someone took us from him, and, to be frank, he's closed my laptop when I start doing the thousand mile stare, begin stage one of hyperventilating, and crying. He loves that you all support me, but we have spent the night talking about it, and this needs to be a temporary boundary for a little bit, and it may become a permanent one.

Again, I am so sorry, but I have to keep my emotional and mental well-being stable and safe for our daughter while she finishes baking to perfection the next couple of months. I will happily give you all nesting and warm happy pregnancy feelings and emotions. I'll address minor pregnancy angsts as well, like days with light movement, the anxiety that sets in between appointments, the fights my boyfriend and I and a ton of other expecting couples go through, but I do kindly have to ask that kidnapped pregnant readers enduring torture, kidnapped babies, killed off (via torture or death during labor) pregnant readers, and still birth requests stop coming to my inbox. I just can't handle them this late into my pregnancy.

Tldr and skipped below - Elizabeth will be going through and posting requests or responding to them. She loves requests and wants them, but she also has asked that people stop sending her requests regarding the following

Kidnapped newborns

Pregnant readers being tortured/forced into preterm labor

Pregnant reader dying during labor

Pregnant reader being murdered and the baby is taken

And my personal favorite nightmare inducing senerio- acotar male x pregnant reader with a stillborn.

Again, send requests. I love them. Please just consider if I'm actually the right person for it. Again, I am very sorry to anyone who may be disappointed now, but hopefully, I can fulfill your imagination other ways. 💜

[thebananaiscold]

Creeps/Creepypasta OC

Hello everyone this is my creeps/creepypasta oc. I made her after a while ago after watching all of the creeps episodes and getting mad there were no more episodes. Her name is Ashley, but she is most commonly known as “The Woods Witch” and “Red Boots”. Ashley is a Witch that makes poisons, potions, reads minds, can sometimes see things before they happen, and has the ability to shape shift and imitate others voices, she as you might have already guessed by the name “The Woods Witch”, she lives in the woods, but more specifically deep in the haunted woods of the underworld. She is very protective of her home and kills anyone who dares trespass on her property. Ashley sometimes wears a cloak and hood and the way people can tell it’s her is by looking for her signature red boots (hence the name Red Boots). She has one brown eye and one green eye, light freckles, darkening under her eyes, purple arms tainted from over using her powers, and long blonde curly hair. She is a Bi witch but also a lonely ass Demi girl. Ashley’s familiar is her mostly white raven named Melvacure. She uses him to send letters to people and deliver orders. Ashley has little minions that she uses sometimes to help carry out tasks for her such as gathering materials for potions and hunting down people she’s looking for. Even though she has millions of voodoo doll minions, she favors Vinny and Hector the most. Vinny and Hector are the only minions she has that are related to her directly (backstory for that later). Ashley is over 600 years old and is the underworld’s most well known and powerful witch, she has been making and selling potions longer than anyone else in the underworld and is known for making the very best potions and poisons around. Personality wise she is funny and wise with a touch of OCD, but is also an extremely vengeful and petty witch, who is known to hold grudges and curse the bloodlines of those who have crossed her in the past. (She has a book of people she hates) This is the main reason why she decides to target Will and tries to have Will Grossman killed due to her bad blood with Issac Grossman (another backstory). Ashley first attempts to send her voodoo doll minion Vinny in an attempt to poison Will, but unfortunately Vinny is a little bit too clumsy and forgetful so instead of poisoning Will he trips breaking the vile, and on the way home gets distracted by a butterfly completely forgetting his mission and spending the rest of the day picking flowers to bring to Ashley instead. After Vinny returns with his flower crown in hand, Ashley is of course disappointed that he failed, but can’t stay mad at him because he is a little cinnamon roll. Ashley then sends Hector in another attempt to kill Will, unlike Vinny, Hector is tall, determined, and insanely strong. Hector climbs in through Will's window at night and proceeds to strangle Will. Just as Will is about to pass out laughing Jack magically appears and immediately goes after Hector slicing one of his arms clean off. After getting his arm sliced off Hector runs off with Laughing Jack hot on his tail, somehow Hector is able to outrun Jack and after Jack loses him, he returns to Will's room and looks at the severed plush arm on the floor. Upon inspection he sees a tag sticking out and realizes that the infamous Woods Witch was the one behind the attack. Hector returns home and as soon as she realizes Hector was injured by the clown and Will is still alive, she decides to take matters into her own hands and goes after both the boy and the clown herself.

[creaturecomplications]

Hello! I know I don't really have an audience since I haven't really posted, and I haven't been reblogging or liking for a while due to anxiety stuff I'm dealing with, but this felt important enough to me to post. If you are attacking Jewish people over the war against Hamas you should block me and continue on your way. If you are Jewish you are welcome on my blog, you are welcome to message me and educate me on the conflict, your culture, your current fixation, WHATEVER. Admittedly, I probably won't be able to message back or do much interaction with other blogs again for a while yet, but I DO plan on trying to post some fandom content on here since I like to write and want to work on my anxiety issues and I would like to hear from people while I do so even if I can't reply right now. So there you go, treaty inbox like the void and shout about whatever at me. That said, antisemites and others being intentionally bigoted will be blocked and reported.

[cyanidemind]

what used to be three or four day episodes has now all of a sudden returned to the persistent gloom. the bright spots are fewer and even in them, the clouds block the brightness. even though i came in kindall and cuddled for days she still got up without a word twice at night and left the snuggles, and i don't care who she fucks, but i care who i care about, and i hate knowing that there are seeds of love that will go unwatered because distance and damage are again next to me. two years ago i saw brooke and her original woman hips and how she filled a dress the way honey fills a jar and i didn't care for her dog but i knew i could fall for her, so i did something i never do and i said well god if you're here, how about this, let this union come to fruition and i'll repair what broke with my mother and go further. but of course logic says you should not need an incentive to fix something if you want it fixed, and of course the faithful say god won't give you what you want unless you deserve it, and of course selfishness is at the root of my soul so naturally i got nothing in return. velez was married and ignored, and i wanted to send her back to her dead bedroom dripping and bruised, but she ghosted me. the other married woman, same thing, same scenario, same outcome. krystal gave me two nosferatus in an act of decency i didn't expect, but that doesn't erase infidelity. why didn't izzy let me ravage her like we planned? why did michelle cower at the foot of her domineering mom and why does she now have to kneel at her dad's grave? why'd bunnie leave after stringing me along for months, why was ash a man who clearly can't handle his own sexuality, why would vinita want her ex, why'd ava hold my hand, why'd rose choose pussy, why'd caitlin not want to try again, why'd shauna flee, why'd liz go elsewhere, why'd rey call me every night past midnight for hours and then suddenly go radio silent, why'd chloe hang up on me after a heartfelt talk even though i tried to find her a job so she could sleep easier, why'd two or three hundred other women treat me as disposable or try to get me to pay? what happened to kelly and pickle, her cat, and why did alice have to be real but a flake? why did i have to lose that game of darts when i know i'm better? why have i been missing layups? i have no one to cook for but myself, no reason to clean my room and no reason to shower and no reason to go anywhere. lives are now lived in tandem or away from me. rosie, aahoo, angele, olivia, yas, shivangi, julie. faces in the crowd now. i am an intruder too often in marriages, and now i am hyper aware of being unwanted or taken in small doses like i'm the oldschool green death nyquil. of being disregarded. how many people did i send this script to and how many got back to me? how many people were supposed to give feedback on these stories and i got none? i'm hungry so often and i don't want to eat because i do not like feeling fat and ugly. i'm disappointed so often that nothing is accepted. i spend too much money on restaurants. i have all these little nagging injuries. i don't know the last time someone came up behind me and hugged me. i am not in any weddings. the family i had here that i saw all the time has now dwindled and severed and left in so many directions that i am saddened to have to feel that same thing all over again as if the removal of one family wasn't bad enough. the one person i wanted more than anyone to share everything with and bask in the fact that we beat all of the awfulness that turned us into the shattered people we were is dead and i haven't felt close to whole since. the good things and the good days are here in miguel visiting and in my continual dart and ball improvement and in my consistency in writing this fiction and in my skill in the kitchen and in my cats and in health and wealth. selfishness and isolation say that i will succeed and i will succeed alone. but my god i do not want to write these books with no dedication pages, i do not want to go on a tour with no one making the hotel less lonely, i do not want to peresevere and pat my own back, fall asleep holding my own hand, and keep making meals for one.

[mbrainspaz]

Very long convo with gran today that was basically me just rehashing points I'd made before but all at once. I think I got her to see how her situation where she wrote and burned a letter to her deceased abusive mom is not the same as me not wanting to make small talk with my aggressively evangelical mother who doesn't respect my autonomy and reports on me to my abusive dad. I don't think gran's accepted that this isn't a problem she can 'fix.' She knows I've given my mom some assigned reading to try and get us to a point where we can actually have an informed conversation about gender and maybe politics. But the fact is that while she adheres to biblical fundamentalist beliefs my mom will never be able to respect me, and those beliefs mean more to her than I do. Nothing anybody can do to change that.

Gran still wants to ramble on about the 'grudges' and 'hate' I'm 'holding on to,' so that probably won't be the last I hear of that. She can't grasp that I don't have any anger toward them. Just a feeling of disappointment. She can't understand that all I did was recognize these people in my life who were acting in a way that was unhealthy toward me, ask them to stop, and when they didn't, I removed myself. Of course, gran doesn't respect me very much either, not enough to care about my name or pronouns or any of the things I'm really passionate about, so it's weird having these talks over and over again.

She tried several times to convince me that my relationship with my mom would be solved if we just agreed to never talk politics or religion again. I don't understand how anyone could think that would work in any kind of meaningful relationship. I asked her what the point of pretending to get along with my mom would be and she didn't really have an answer. I smiled and pretended to be civil in my dad's company for two years and what did that solve? Now I had to block his number and he's been sending me sinister vague emails. A relationship without mutual trust and respect is one you're better off without.

Most interesting part of the convo was when I asked her what the best case scenario looks like for her. I asked her what she thinks having a loving family means. All I could get out of her was 'I wish you could go to the lake with us again,' by which I'm gonna assume she means Quality Time. All she wants is to be surrounded by family and friends at the lake. That's probably doable, honestly. I'd still go to the lake and drink all my uncle's whisky while I write my book in the corner with my headphones on so that I don't have to listen to all the latest morally depraved conservative talking points. It's not like my dad will ever go to the lake because he's too homophobic to visit a house owned by my gay uncle (who is also a conservative yeah). The only barriers to me visiting are usually my latest peasant labor situation or my uncle's partner deciding he doesn't want dogs on the designer carpets. I've offered to camp in my car with the dogs. C'mon, that would be objectively funny on their fountain rotunda driveway. Me? I still want a family that cares enough to go to a protest or a rally with me. Hell, I'd settle for a family that clicked 'like' on my comic posts or showed up once a year to watch me ride a horse. I feel like that's not a huge ask but it would make me feel loved. They don't do those things because they haven't taken time to understand or care about me in a decade. There have been times when they showed up for me in the past. There were times when I felt loved. That was a long time ago. I don't think enough people ask themselves what a loving family looks like.

Then we went shopping at a decor store and I bought a pumpkin with a cute little snake on it. Gran gave me a hug goodbye and her perfume still smells like home. I love her for caring enough to meet up and talk to me even if we didn't 'fix' anything.

[troonwolf]

Anyway this post is about me:

So I want to make some things very clear. 

I am doing this because I am sick of the gossip and badmouthing. This person has a much larger audience than me, many that are in the same fandoms as me and who sometimes interact with my art. I plan to open commissions in the future because I’m in desperate financial need, and someone smearing me like this (and name-dropping me, which I know he does in private) could seriously hurt my ability to earn in fandom spaces.

Additionally, I find it ridiculous that someone who claims to hate “toxic callout fandom culture” and etc, is doing to me exactly what he complains other people do: lying, exaggerating, and misrepresenting events to make someone look “problematic” and essentially unperson them in fandom.

With that said-

I have never harassed mywitchcultblr (the author of that post).

I have never sent them messages about Disney, Marvel, Ao3, whether on anon or personally. 

I in fact have never sent anyone messages about Marvel, Disney, Ao3, or ANYTHING else related to fandom.

Nor do I consider “all Ao3 users paedophiles”. I use Ao3. My boyfriend uses Ao3. My friends and mutuals use Ao3- this also goes for Disney and Marvel. Tons of people around me love those things.

No one around me cares that I sometimes criticise those things. When I do criticise those things, it’s always some dumb shitpost that I intentionally leave untagged so that it’s isolated in my own space.

The only time I ever approached mywitchcultblr about “discourse”, was to do with natural systems and DID, because I myself have DID. Even then I was civil, the conversation was over in a few messages, and we never spoke about it again.

When I first met Ann, his blog was a lot different from what it is now. There was barely any NSFW or kink, barely any fandom discourse. He just posted about fandom and LGBT stuff.

When he became involved in fandom discourse, began constantly posting untagged NSFW, being defensive when people asked him to tag things, and overall saying and doing things that made me uncomfortable or that I did strongly disagree with, I just blocked him.

We didn’t argue.

I didn’t send him any messages.

I didn’t send him any anons.

I blocked him and moved on. I set a boundary and moved on. That’s what you’re meant to do, right? Then why am I still hearing about it a year later?

Despite the fact I am just some guy he knew for a few months, he has this obsession with me as some kind of fallen father figure in his personal narrative. I’m always referred to as “someone I looked up to who disappointed me.”

This is inappropriate. I am no one’s role model. I didn’t consent to be your father figure and told you on several occasions how severely mentally ill I am. This would be parasocial if I was a bigger blogger but since I’m just some guy, it’s not quite that but still not healthy or reasonable. 

We were in each other’s lives for a few months and talked occasionally. That’s it.

We didn’t even argue or have a real “falling out”. I blocked him. There was no interaction. But ever since then he spreads more exaggerations and lies about me and I’m tired of it.

Don’t take the word of someone who knew me less than a few months, that I’m a toxic harasser, just because I stopped feeling comfortable on his blog and blocked him for my own comfort.

I wish him no ill will but I do wish he’d stop projecting his father issues onto me, and I don’t say that to be funny. it’s extremely weird and uncomfortable to be put in this situation of “I idolised you because you’re an older queer man in fandom and I’m going to make that your problem if you don’t live up to my ideals.”

I’m just some guy. I’m in my 30s, childless, homeless, gay, majorly spangled in the head. No one should be looking up to me. I shouldn’t be held accountable for other people’s made up versions of me. I think we can all agree that isn’t fair.

If he was just calling me a buzzkill or cynical or annoying, I’d fully agree with those statements lmao! But to say I’m toxic and that people around me will be harassed for disagreeing with me is an exaggeration of my character.

I also want to add that my boyfriend has attempted messaging him in order to have a civil discussion on why he keeps lying about me when it's been practically a year since I blocked him, but Ann doesn't respond.

Anyway, that’s all folks.

[goat-yells-at-everything]

Today was an... interesting day at school.

A little background.

The school does work in sets of 5 week mods which dont rely on knowing the other mods information. Its a tech school so doing it that way makes it possible to start new students every 5 weeks.

So the mod after I started there were 4 new students. One has dropped by this point (personal issues) so its 2 girls and a guy. Poor guys the only testosterone in a sea of estrogen.

But our story is not with him, rather the 2 girls. One of them was a bit rough around the edges but we've ultimately become friends. The other... well... Shes probably the most entitled cunt I've had the misfortune of knowing. Ever.

From day one she has complained about the workload and bitched about wanting to leave early and so on and so forth. Note that this is a 3 year program crammed into 40 weeks AND we only have to be on campus for 2 days a week. The workload was impressed on us very very heavily from the day we signed up AND she's even been through another program at this school! She KNOWS how it works.

Shes also been reprimanded for sexually harassing the one guy and had to be told that sleeping on the tables during class is unprofessional.

Lovely woman, right?

So fast forward to present. Well, actually 2 weeks ago. Up to this point girl1 had been doing everything she could to befriend this monster for some reason I still don't get. I mean, I'd been nice to her as best I could but I wasn't going out of my way for this rude entitled bint. But G1 was doing everything she could to be a good friend. Picked her up when her car wouldn't start, helped her with homework, even made her dinner a half a dozen times! Now, this girl is not only in school full time but has a full time job, a child, and other commitments I'm not at liberty to mention, just know they require several more hours a week on top of the rest.

Well, one day G1 has a lot on her plate and can't take the time to drop everything and go see the Bint and her new car. This tipped off a torrid of passive aggressive bs in class that evolved into full on harassment online. For 2 weeks! So G1 finally said "enough is enough" and blocks the bint on everything. Of course this pisses the Bint off but G1 has some peace finally.

Till today.

Now, G1 is going to have surgery later this week. Our teacher asks her in class if she's nervous and, well, YA. G1 laughs and mentions all the things her doc says could go wrong is making her even more nervous and says she'll have to have people checking in on her afterwards.

The Bint makes and off hand comment "I ain't checking on anyone."

G1 goes off. I mean, after 2 weeks of harassment, I 100% don't blame her.

Another girl in class manages to get her to leave the room with her. The Bint basically demands to be allowed to leave and does. At least, I thought she did.

Teach says we're gonna take a break and I go to see if G1 and other girl are out in OTs car. They weren't so we (Rosie and me) head back inside and pass the Bint whos screaming into her phone. I thought she left???

I get back inside and find the director of education advising G1 and OT to go home for the day and how they arent in trouble but its best for their mental health not to be there. So teach walks them out and in the interim I find out from everyone else that the Bint had COME BACK IN and actually tried to start a PHYSICAL FIGHT after everything!

I'm both disappointed i missed it and glad I wasn't there. My anxiety was already pretty high from the verbal fight so this shit woulda put me over the edge but DAMN it! I miss everything!

So tonight I'm texting OT what they'd missed and making sure they were ok (shes the one that Rosie acts as an ESA for in class a lot). She then sends a screenshot from another person in class who said she'd gotten a message on fb from the Bint saying the Bint had been dropped from the program.

I feel like fucking celebrating.

No more of her bitching. No more of her drama.

Hate that this is what it took to get her dropped. G1 and OT didn't deserve that at all.

But I'm damn glad its over and so are they.