#i will (not go to events where those friends are present) / (need to reevaluate our relationship)'

[aro-culture-is]

Aro culture is telling all ur friends to break up with their s.o when they talk about their relationship problems

.

[aks3raao1]

Me, to Luja: So tell me about yourself

Luja: No

Me: ...ma'am I need to write the story—

Luja: Good luck <3

[now that I do think of it, ALTERNATIVE's main duo that's established right at the beginning is literally a chiller but edgier Katsuki and way worse sUrViVe Nagito genderbends]

~~~~~~

Luja Sen, she/her

Anyways, Luja and Romila are friends from middle school (the story starts with the beginning of their high school at AoS (Academy of the Specialised) which was essentially founded by Nyx). Luja gains her Specialisation (Ferrokinesis: The Ability to bend metal) at the age of twelve, so she has it for a lesser time period than Romila.

Luja primarily wants to become a scientist. Her family is happy with that, because it's praised and everything, especially in our society.

She has a gifted child superiority complex. Being a gifted child + Specialised means that she hardly had many friends in school. Her family had tried to get her to socialize....which didn't go down too well.

She believes that most people are annoying because they waste too much time on useless things like gossiping and what not, which she never showed much interest in and doesn't like to be dragged into those nonsense.

She is friends with Romila since they do share the same taste in stuff and were the only Specialised ones in their class. And they kinda stuck together for most of middle school and went into high school.

She has a problem when it comes to seeing Romila since she tends to see her bad parts and is like, "It's a phase" considering that it's not necessarily affecting her. Romila doesn't get too cranky with her since she fascinates her, with her passion™ for science. Also because she isn't all self sacrifice UwU.

Luja cares for her own self above others (but tends to put Romila pretty close to that hierarchy, which is why she's one of the only two Romila trusts during the Mansion of Death (the other person is Kratanos)) however she also does want to keep what friends she has and is generally caring towards them.

She has a genuine love for science and loves to discover how things work and why, and her favourite facet is Physics. She does want to invent things and honestly just make stuff easier for the Specialised who face a LOT of issues, especially when it comes to amenities since the government is an ass about accomodations and they gained the Fundamental Rights like ten years or so ago in the ALTERNATIVE timeline. And they gain an additional right ("The body won't be harmed for science") when they graduate from school, after signing a contract that they dedicate themselves to helping the government when called upon. (The whole contract is stupid and basically oppresses them more especially the punishment for not abiding by it).

With her goal of becoming a scientist, she wants to use her talents to make accomodations specifically for them so that she could have done something.

The things she fears the most is failure. Failing as in being unable to accomplish her goals. She is afraid of it because it's an unknown variable that's constantly haunted her and she's working hard for it to never reach her.

I suppose there's a way for her to confront that fear during the Mid terms at AoS where she essentially "loses" in the practicals due to her......teamwork issues.

Everyone thinks of her as stuck up and isn't interested to listen to her much and since she views the others as annoying people with annoying habits, she tends to fail to regulate them, causing Romila to win instead (yes, it's THAT unfortunate of a situation) in their match, which causes her to review a LOT of things and she tries to see what caused her to lose after having a severe breakdown.

She develops an inferiority complex in respect to Romila and then spends a long time wondering where she went wrong.

Rena (who somehow clung to her) tries to cheer her up but gets turned back halfway, but she still stays on and Luja is like, "Wtf" until she sees Romila going entirely off the deep end (she presents an interesting contrast to how Koldin sees Romila as well, she sees Romila's behavior and considers it as a justification for her own self....she uses Romila to justify herself a lot (since if you asked Romila, Luja was more or less fine according to her since she wasn't being a doormat and stood up for herself) while Koldin sees Romila as the reason he should cling onto his own stuff) and realises that she could be on the path to destruction herself and accepts Rena's help and tries to be more open to others which leads to the Mid terms parallels in the Archenemy of Society arc where she "succeeds" instead and manages to get the class together enough to escape the situation.

However it doesn't mean that her fear of failure has entirely vanished into the blue, she just reviews the ways she can fail better now and works around it to avoid it and has more confidence in her own self. But she is still scared of failing and would love to avoid that more than anything. However she's chiller after that.

Her intelligence is more or less on par with both Romila and Kratanos, making them the three main strategists in the final battle against the bigots (which is basically a rerun of the Mansion of Death situation but way way worse and fucked up and has different leads to it).

....

The thing is that, no matter what I do, she winds up feeling like one dimensional/repetitive, which is something I am trying to amend about all the characters (I mean, I had to revamp a lot of characters so it will probably take me a long long time to actually get to writing.........sigh besides she stands up like a cardboard amongst people (I mean, you have Romila and Kratanos with extremely complicated storylines and then you have her. Just there))

So the main question is how to make her more interesting as a character and on par with the rest while still keeping her character flaws and personality?

I think the easiest way to go abt this is to view her as a sassy Bakugo. They have the main points in common. They're salty, don't like to socialise, feel inferior to a certain someone while still having some semblance of confidence and a terrible fear of failure

Now as much as I hate to compare your character to another one, it makes it a lot easier to have them become - as my English teacher would say - more. So I am sorry if this comes off as offensive-

For Bakugo, he became interesting by playing a big part in the mc's main story and we do get a few scenes where his vulnerability is shown. I assume it's the same with your character but...what rlly ties the knot for me when it comes to Katsuki is the fact that his problems...are more than just an inferiority/superiority complex. His whole thing stems from background especially (*cough* abusive mom *cough*) and the fact that he's not the main character (or rather that the story isn't being told in his perspective).

These facts make us over think and want more of him. The mystery draws us in which is why I think Luja's character is so perfect for someone in the background. She doesn't like to reveal things abt herself and is pretty dismissive to most things on top of that (plainly just salty). Her character rlly draws you in and the best way to portray those kinds of characters is through another character. Ofc, you'd have to get to their POV eventually but it's important to note that most of the details should come from someone else's POV (an observer, if you will) instead of info dumping and starting straight with hers. A character that's mysterious with a very simple yet relatable story attracts a LOT more attention and interest when seen from someone else's perspective than when you kickstart it from theirs.

Ofc, if u are planning (or already have) started the story from her POV, that would be a bit problematic in terms of interest. But not a train wreck. This is where my other point comes in. The point of making a character have more than one problem

Different ppl as well as characters have a main problem but also different ones, no matter what way you look at it. It seems that even you are confused with all ur character's ins and outs (dw, we've all been there... I am still there tbh) and a solution to that is backtracking a bit and looking at their life from the very beginning in HEAVY detail (like more than u already did). Think abt what other trauma could have been caused, what doubts and fears could have slowly crept it's way to her heart and head (I am a sucker for long-lasting doubts that develop over time) and anything you can even so much as GRASP on. If you look at it and see it as a possibility, try to fit that into her character and add it subtly in different places (as subtext or a creative pattern, wordplay, doesn't rlly matter as long as it's not openly stated bc, remember, the key thing to these types of characters is mystery).

For example, a fear of failure can stem into anxiety before the character has even lost smth later in their life. They probably get rlly anxious when evaluating smth but don't show it much or at all so no one notices. This adds even MORE to the character bc you can build it up after other events. Like once they have failed, they could probably get even more anxious and then develop a bad relationship with the person who beat them (double the points if it was a friend). You could build all that up and turn it super toxic instead of jumping right to the healing. It makes it more interesting, doesn't it? Plus, reevaluating almost everything including world views after 1 loss is...kind of hard to believe even with anxiety (no offense)

Adding a lot of little problems and thinking abt how Luja's behaviour can impact other characters helps a terrible lot if ur doing most of the story from her POV. Especially since she's probably the most relatable character (from what I've heard anyway). I have a certain saying... it goes like, "It's better to have a relatable and connecting character than one with a problem that is too big for normal people to fathom."

I like characters with heart-wrenching problems that I would never be able to relate to (take maybe Shigaraki as an example ig?) But my favourite are the ones that make me feel as tho I made a real connection

Also, I would like to say...if ur looking to progress her character even further, I would debate on whether it's the complete end to the novel or if there'll be a second part. If it's a second part, keep some of Luja's issues. Make her get better but not completely "YAY, I AM DONE BEING TORMENTED". If it's the end of the novel/series/etc., make it so that she's resolved most of most of her issues. They don't have to be completely gone but they have to be a lot better compared to how they started. And how i would work that out is a mind map but knowing ur a scatterbrain...lets talk it out where everything is all over the place

Luja's main thing is to gain confidence in herself and be finally ok with losing, right? If you ask me, that's a tough one but not impossible. I think to get her from point A to point B is to put up a bunch of events like:

Get her super anxious when doing smth

Lose to *insert person*

Have a breakdown and over think on what she could have done better (on the project or whatever she lost at)

Get even more anxious and totally mess up the next thing

Lose once again (double points if it's the same person as last time)

Overthinking abt how she's not good enough

F i g h t i n g f r i e n d s c o z d r a m a

"YoU'rE nEvEr GoNnA gEt BeTtEr If YoU kEeP tHiNkInG aBoUt YoUrSeLf"

Over think abt no. 8 bc out of options and ideas and ✨a n x i e t y✨

Try listening to others more and become b e t t e r

Win smth (bc creator forbid 3 losses in a row to start depression)

Lose again (there is gonna be a bit of back and forth but is necessary for development)

"I tHoUgHt I wAs FiNaLlY dOiNg SoMeThInG rIgHt AnD nOw LoOk"

"Losing is not th3 3nd of th3 fucking world, you lunatic"

"WELL, IT IS TO ME, BITCH"

*insert psychology somehow idk*

Another loss

"I'm angry...but I'm ok"

Note that idk where bullying would come in and these are only how I would think it to go-

A character like this isn't rlly my strong suit when it comes to them resolving their problems but they are fun to write and think abt-

................................did I just give you advice on how to traumatize? I-

[if-you-built-yourself-a-myth]

Check Ignition: Sander Schmander

By popular request (*cough* everyone on ao3 and @art3misjade), here is Sander's perspective on events

This segment falls right before Chapter Four of Check Ignition

Sander Driesen was drunk. Honest-to-god, shitfaced drunk. And for the first time in forever, too—he’d laid off the stuff since his treatment plan made it difficult to handle, and since he wanted the meds to actually work. But tonight, he thought, I’ve earned this. Everyone else was drinking. It would be weird if he didn’t participate when his own boyfriend was halfway through his fifth cup of punch.

Fake boyfriend. That was a whole thing.

Now, he lay on the stairs leading upward to the boys’ dormitories. Hopefully those stairs. He didn’t make a habit of visiting the common rooms of other houses, and the layouts tended to differ from one another.

“Sorry,” he croaked to everyone who shimmied their way through. “My bad. Deepest apologies.”

This was why he needed Britt, he thought, to reign in this kind of impulse. Granted, she was the only one who knew about everything else thus far, but he wasn’t going to tell Robbe all that, not when it was already hard enough existing in a magical world with a mundane illness. He wanted to hold onto this last little dream.

Midnight was fast approaching and the bustle downstairs had yet to dispel. Sander tried to move his arms and found them unresponsive. Or rather, he could move them, but it required too much effort to be worth it. He slumped back. More people flooded up the stairs to sleep off whatever terrible concoction was in that punch bowl.

“Robbe has such stupid ideas, I swear,” said Moyo, cresting the staircase. Sander perked up at the sound of Robbe’s name. Probably Moyo. Sander struggled to think through the names of Robbe’s friends—he had them listed in his bedroom for continuity purposes.

He recognized Jens easily enough, because Jens was wherever Robbe was. And Sander watched Robbe a lot. Sander held his breath, as if being quiet could prevent them from seeing him sprawled across their path.

“Shut up,” Jens shot back.

The third boy with them—Alex? Adam?—pitched in, “It’s not Robbe’s fault you don’t get any.”

“He’s throwing away the chance of a lifetime.”

“Shut the fuck up. You sound like an incel.”

“But like, why do they kiss so much? It’s not like you have—” Moyo stopped short as he tripped over Sander’s leg. Despite their somewhat rational conversation, they weren’t any more sober than Sander himself. “Shit, speak of the devil.”

Jens leaned down to Sander’s eye level. “You alright?”

“Never better,” Sander slurred. It came out more like a groan.

Moyo approached to help Jens move Sander from the center of the stairs. They sat him up against the railing on his left side, which was not any more comfortable than the steps digging into his back. Jens was still in full Quidditch uniform (even the chest padding!), Moyo sported a Hufflepuff tie over a t-shirt and jeans, and Adam-or-whoever stood at a quiet distance in a pair of burgundy pajama pants and his Quidditch robes. Sander would have made note to write these in on his list—a good indicator of personality.

Too bad he didn’t have the sense to do so.

“Can’t handle your alcohol, huh?” Moyo asked. He didn’t seem very threatening, though the question was definitely a taunt. Sander’s brain felt like vanilla pudding. Moyo turned to the boys. “Should we wake Robbe?”

“Yes,” said Sander. Oh, hell yes. Robbe. He liked Robbe so much.

The story itself was long and antiquated, a love-at-first-sight kind of deal for Sander. He couldn’t think of one version where he wasn’t the bad guy. He went on a double-date with Britt and her friend, expecting one of Noor’s usual yuppies to show up and bore the whole table with pointless conversation. Then it was Robbe.

Do you ever just see someone, really see them, and—how could he phrase it—know? Or think you know. All things considered, it wasn’t the best sign in terms of his condition.

He had to walk all the way into the next town over to call his psychiatrist, only to realize there wasn’t much to tell her. Hey, I’m infatuated with this guy that my girlfriend’s friend is dating. What should I do? She’d give him some common-sense answer like, Break up with your girlfriend, which he didn’t want to do until he knew what he was feeling would last. So he said, These side effects are nasty, and she reevaluated his dose of Lexapro.

“Let the virgin sleep,” said Moyo.

Sander pitched forward to grab Moyo by the arm. “No, wake him up.”

Because the thing was, time passed, and the feelings didn’t fade. Britt could tell he wasn’t present anymore and said nothing. Maybe she thought it was the Depakote that his psychiatrist added to the cocktail when the antidepressant dangled him on the edge of hypomania. She was a good person. It really wasn’t fair when he told her it was over via owl, and it really wasn’t fair when he seized his opportunity to kiss Robbe in the astronomy tower. The argument in question was not so bad. He conflated it for an excuse to leave her.

“Where’s Robbe?” said Sander. “I have to see him.”

“He’s asleep, downstairs. We gave him a blanket and everything.” Jens passed over his own cup of water. “Drink this.”

“I have to see him,” Sander repeated.

“Yeah, you have to go to sleep. He’s going to be here tomorrow.”

“It won’t be the same tomorrow.”

The whole relationship wasn’t even meant to be a thing. It was a cheap kiss, really, in the astronomy tower. Sander just wanted to know what it would feel like, and he thought it might serve Robbe too, so he did it. Robbe’s appearance the next day was the most unexpected, thrilling twist he could have dreamed of. Except, in a dream, it wouldn’t be fake.

Robbe never missed a chance to restate that it was fake. That wasn’t the best sign, either.

“Aaron, don’t just stand there,” said Jens. “Help me out. Grab his arms, will you?”

“Aaron.” Sander tested out the name. “But you’re Adam!”

“How much have you had?” Aaron grabbed Sander’s arms and lifted. The boys got Sander up two stairs before deciding he was too heavy. They sat him back against the wall.

“Try again,” Jens instructed.

The second try went about as well as the first.

Jens crouched to Sander’s eye level. “Look, is there someone else we can get for you? Or are you cool with sleeping here?” He had to hold Sander’s shoulders in his hands to keep Sander from pitching forward and rolling all the way back downstairs.

“We can’t leave our friend’s boyfriend here!” said Aaron.

“Fake boyfriend,” Moyo added.

Sander groaned. Yes, remind him of that! It was fake! He knew it already! If his psychiatrist could see him now, she’d say—alright, she’d say that he wasn’t allowed to drink on his overly specific medication regimen. But if that weren’t a factor, she’d say some more common-sense things like, “Tell Robbe how you feel. Tell his friends, if you want.”

Fuck, he missed her. He could seek out the phone booth sometime this week and tell her all about it. She loved hearing from him.

“There’s no one,” he slurred. “I’m okay.”

“Fine, there’s us, then,” said Jens. He hefted one of Sander’s arms over his shoulder. “Moyo, take three.”

Moyo took the other arm. They dragged him up the rest of the way, bumping his head on every other stair. He felt like a snow globe in a tourist trap shop, all shaken up, no escape through the glass. Huh. Poetic. Where was Robbe?

“Wake up Robbe,” Sander requested. Jens and Moyo dropped him into the fourth bed in their room. Aaron, Jens, and Robbe lived here; Sander could deduce that from the eclectic assortment of things piled on every available surface. The blankets of the bed in which he lay were already rumpled, implying that someone else had slept here recently. He touched something sticky on the top sheet. Okay, maybe they didn’t sleep.

Jens looked back and forth between Moyo and Sander. “Why?” he asked.

There were plenty of replies Sander could give. We’re fake-dating, and I want it to be convincing.

We’re such good friends, and I want to tell him so.

I think he has my cell phone. Jens might not know what a cell phone was. Sander could never tell with those purebloods.

He and I have plans to smoke weed and throw rocks at pixies in the Forbidden Forest.

Sander said, “I misssssss him,” with the s pulled to the end of the world. Yeah, that would work, too.

“Um, okay,” said Jens. “We’ll see what we can do.”

Then he, Aaron, and Moyo started laughing, although Sander couldn’t tell just what they found so funny. Sander had an alarm on his cell phone to take his medication at eleven PM, since schedule was important to the efficacy of the active ingredients, or whatever it was his psychiatrist said when she adjusted his Lexapro to 15mg. It buzzed in his pocket, but he didn’t have the pills. He was too tired, anyway. It wouldn’t matter if he skipped a dose or two; he’d done worse things than that with lesser consequences.

“You’re going to get Robbe, right?” he asked, and in a moment of clarity, he realized he was a needy boyfriend. He wasn’t a fan of needy Britt. You either die the hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

Jens yanked the curtains shut across the fourth bed and bound them with a spell. “You’re drunk, go to sleep. We’ll get Robbe.” The boys began another fit of giggling.

It didn’t bother Sander at all. He stared at the arcing pillars that held up the bedcurtains and hummed a David Bowie song into the darkness. He was young and drunk and in love, and anything could happen. So what if Robbe thought their relationship was fake for now? In a matter of time, it would be real.

[nellie-elizabeth]

The Good Place: Employee of the Bearimy (4x05)

So much fun! As always!

Cons:

Derek is a really funny character, and I'm genuinely amused by his antics. But with that said, I'll admit that I don't really get what his purpose is, in the larger scheme of things. If he's just there to be comic relief, I guess that's fine, but he kind of feels superfluous to the story that's being told. I'm prepared to eat my words. This show has certainly surprised me in the past. But right now, he's kind of just shrug-worthy for me.

Pros:

I've been complaining about Tahani not having much to do, and then we get this episode, where we discover that the character herself is having some anxiety about her usefulness! Great timing. While the others are all planning big things to proceed with the mission, Tahani is basically tasked with babysitting the humans and being a party planner. She's insecure about the fact that this is all she seems to be good for. But Eleanor, in a very Eleanor-ish style, tells her to suck it up. She reminds Tahani that cultivating an environment for these humans to bond and form friendship is literally what is going to save all of humanity. Tahani has lived a life of privilege, and she's never had to fight very hard for what she wanted. But now, she's realizing that she wants to do something more "worthy" with her time. I loved this element of Tahani's characterization, because on the one hand, it's great that she wants to expand her horizons. And on the other hand, Eleanor is sure to point out to her that her current skills aren't worthless. There's real skill and knowledge required to host events like Tahani does, and that shouldn't be dismissed out of hand.

Eleanor and Tahani's scenes together also had what might have been my favorite exchange of the night. There were a lot of funny lines, as always, but for whatever reason this one was the one that got me the most:

Tahani: "What am I, Welsh?"

Eleanor: "Are you? I don't know. No, right?"

Kristin Bell's delivery was just so great!

We also see Chidi being pushed out of his comfort zone. This is partially out of necessity, as Eleanor and Tahani need to hide the way the neighborhood is malfunctioning with Derek in charge, in Janet's absence. But this is also good for the overall plan of our heroes - Chidi changed and improved last time because he was forced to confront the problematic elements of his old habits, and really stretch those boundaries for himself. Even if in this case all he needed to do was go to a cabin and spend some time with his friends, that's honestly no small accomplishment. Take it from an introvert with some social anxiety - just getting out of the house and trying something different can feel like a huge win sometimes!

And then we've got the Bad Place plot, where Jason and Michael mount a rescue mission to bring Janet home. I've already stated my less-than-fond feelings towards Jason and Janet as a romantic couple, but I must admit that his determination to get her back was quite lovely! I also liked seeing Jason and Michael as a dynamic duo. It's not a pairing we've explored all that much, and their comedic chemistry was excellent! Once again, even though Jason is a darling little idiot, he actually doesn't screw everything up, and instead proves integral to the plan of getting Janet home safely. I like how he purposefully calls Janet "girl" so that she will say "not a girl" and thus confirm her identity. That was actually so smart!

And Michael kicked ass. He tried to give a pitch to the other demons of the Bad Place about why what they were doing was wrong - if this isn't part of maintaining the balance of the universe, then clearly they should reevaluate! Of course they don't suddenly defect and agree with Michael's perspective, but there is some confusion in the air, as some of the demons seem convinced that Michael and Jason's presence is all part of Shawn's presentation. I loved that they basically just created a bunch of very public chaos, and then ran off with Janet, turning demons into goo as necessary. That was a lot of wacky fun!

This show in general is wacky fun, but it has such a heart to it, that underpins and imbues everything with so much meaning. I love it so dearly and will be sad to say goodbye in just a short while!

8/10

[myyogaelixir]

Forgiveness Exercise No. 1

This exercise is one that worked for me.

To start. Begin by re-visiting and feeling the wounds in the heart.

Bring your focus into the heart and just feel without any thought. Breathe into the heart space and disconnect from the mind chatter and don’t try to analyse the feelings. The key here is to allow the feelings to reveal the insight that is waiting to be uncovered. This exercise will not work the moment you engage with the mind it will start intellectualising and try to draw a logical conclusion. The key her is to just feel don’t think. When you stay centred in the heart the insights that arise may surprise you. You will get insights the mind would never have come to. It can be quite surprising how much more healing can be gained by focussing on the heart.

Breathe into the heart just feel . At first you may feel nothing but go deeper into the nothingness. Nothingness is one of the egos methods of distracting you from the raw emotion that is waiting to be discovered.

You may feel a tension, ache or tightness in the heart, again just try to go deeper into it until the raw emotion begins to surface. Most times you will immediately feel an emotion.

When the emotion is revealed do not intellectualise the emotions. Just feel the emotions freely. Shed tears, voice anger, feel indignation, frustration or grief. Feel, express and release the emotions. Use your breath to stay centred in the emotion being released. Keep the outpouring of the emotion till you feel a shift. You may find you go from the initial experience you are processing to other experiences that the mind would not have connected to the experience. It’s like connecting the dots when working with only the emotions and from the heart.

As you release the emotions you may find you body shakes or twitched or you feel compelled to shake your hands. Trust and follow the wisdom of your body, it is releasing the emotional energy blocks from your body.

Just keep going with the release till it feels clear and your heart feels open, loving and light. When you reach this point know you have released an important layer and bask in the feeling of love emanating from your soul. From this point ask yourself if you are ready to forgive from the heart. Feel it in your heart. Don’t worry if you can’t completely forgive but acknowledge your willingness to forgive and wait until the next time you do the process. It may take several sessions of emotional release before you get there. Each layer you released reveals and connects you a little more with your true essence: your soul .

Forgiveness Exercise No. 2

AFFIRMATIONS

How to use affirmations:

-Mindfully recite the words several times with feeling

-Mindfully write the words several times with feeling

-Repeat the above often through the day and continue daily until the words become a belief.

-Recite affirmations that inspire and motivate you

-Use present tense

-Try creating affirmations in your own words

Below are a selection of forgiveness affirmations by Louise Hay

THE DOOR TO MY HEART OPENS INWARD. I MOVE THROUGH FORGIVENESS TO LOVE.

TODAY I LISTEN TO MY FEELINGS, AND I AM GENTLE WITH MYSELF. I KNOW THAT ALL OF MY FEELINGS ARE MY FRIENDS.

THE PAST IS OVER, SO IT HAS NO POWER NOW. THE THOUGHTS OF THIS MOMENT CREATE MY FUTURE.

I AM READY TO BE HEALED. I AM WILLING TO FORGIVE. ALL IS WELL.

WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE, I REALIZE THAT IT IS ONLY PART OF THE LEARNING PROCESS.

I MOVE BEYOND FORGIVENESS TO UNDERSTANDING, AND I HAVE COMPASSION FOR ALL.

EACH DAY IS A NEW OPPORTUNITY. YESTERDAY IS OVER AND DONE. TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF MY FUTURE.

I KNOW THAT OLD, NEGATIVE PATTERNS NO LONGER LIMIT ME. I LET THEM GO WITH EASE.

I AM FORGIVING, LOVING, GENTLE, AND KIND, AND I KNOW THAT LIFE LOVES ME.

AS I FORGIVE MYSELF, IT BECOMES EASIER TO FORGIVE OTHERS.

I LOVE AND ACCEPT MY FAMILY MEMBERS EXACTLY AS THEY ARE RIGHT NOW.

I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR NOT BEING PERFECT. I AM LIVING THE VERY BEST WAY I KNOW HOW.

I RETURN TO THE BASICS OF LIFE: FORGIVENESS, COURAGE, GRATITUDE, LOVE, AND HUMOR.

EVERYONE IN MY LIFE HAS SOMETHING TO TEACH ME. WE HAVE A PURPOSE IN BEING TOGETHER.

I FORGIVE EVERYONE IN MY PAST FOR ALL PERCEIVED WRONGS. I RELEASE THEM WITH LOVE.

ALL OF THE CHANGES IN LIFE THAT LIE BEFORE ME ARE POSITIVE ONES. I AM SAFE.

**Please note that while I deeply respect and love Louise Hay I personally find affirmations can be quite challenging.

I prefer to start with affirmations that require less of a stretch to start the process. For example “I choose to begin the process of forgiveness so that I can begin letting go of my past”. This for me is more realistic affirmation to begin this journey of forgiveness.

I feel more comfortable starting with a level 1 affirmation and then working up to a 10. Forgiveness requires authenticity. You need to speak the truth. Saying “all is forgiven” works for some but for many there is a need to work up to affirmations like: “I forgive everyone in my past for all perceived wrongs. I release them with love.” It’s a big ask of someone who is recovering from trauma inflicted on them in cases of child, adolescent or adult victims of sexual abuse, emotional abuse, neglect, acts of violence, witnessing violence. It doesn’t take away from the amazing work of Louise Hay, but for me it’s less confronting to start with something less confronting, less traumatising in itself. “ I am willing to begin a journey of forgiveness of those who have wronged me” or “I am willing to trust and give validation to my feelings”. If you are finding affirmations difficult try starting with an affirmation that is more accessible for you right now with the understanding that it’s a starting point in a sometimes very long journey.

The process might begin with forgiving yourself for being emotionally fragile, for not knowing a better way forward, for behaving like a victim, for letting others re-victimise you, for running away physically, or with alcohol or drugs, for creating a persona to hide who you really are, for isolating yourself and avoiding interacting with people.

We start the journey of forgiveness by examining ourselves. Have an honest conversation with yourself and look at your patterns. Your life will have a pattern of recurring themes. Maybe it’s your relationships, maybe it’s your inability to hold down a job, maybe you practice self harm, maybe you run away from your life when something or someone starts to get too close or any myriad patterns of behaviour hurt people behave.

You must start this journey with self forgiveness, self awareness and self honesty. Once you have a clearer conscious understanding of your own behaviours and consciously work on releasing the electrical charge that these patterns carry, then you can begin a gentle journey to forgiveness. There is no fast tracking this. It’s a journey, sometimes a life long journey. Quick fixes will have some impact but may not endure. This is a journey where there is no destination but a series of refinements, reflections, reevaluations and adjustments to keep you living positively. The road may have many potholes along the way but we must keep following the road and stay on the path. When we do this, we learn about ourselves at a much deeper level. Each pothole we hit reveals something we may have overlooked or not been ready to deal with. The healing occurs in segments. That is the life we need to accept.

Forgivess is near impossible if we don’t start with the inner work. We need to release a good deal of the emotions that get clogged up inside and cause us to over react to normal life events. Unreleased emotions are destructive to our emotional health. When we deal with our emotions, we aren’t as triggered by events in our life big or small and creates space for forgivess and a deeper exploration of self healing.

Tags: energy healing, Forgiveness, Healing, healing books, healing journey, healing trauma, louise hay, selfdevelopment, selfhelp, spiritual healing

[wallbrat]

Felicia

I Intro I read a lot. I research. I pay attention to the news. I do a lot of fact checking. I have 10 to 15 news sources and the news I pay attention to is domestic and international. I spend hours fact checking because people lie. I also make mistakes. If you can prove to me, logically, that I’m wrong, I’ll admit it, apologize and write a retraction. Keep all of this in mind as you continue. II History I’m a student of history. My favorite periods are Ancient and Medieval, however, I’ll read about any period. I spent a few years digging into WWII because my Grandfathers served then. For the last few months I’ve been focused on WWI and the Spanish Flu. The H1N1 virus got it’s nickname not because of where it originated. Spain was neutral and wasn’t under media censorship like the countries fighting the war. Anything detracting from the war effort was not allowed so the news you saw then was not impartial. Spain, however, reported on a disease that was killing people. While H1N1 impacted us in 1918 and 1919, there were reports of it back in 1915. Yes, our government knew about it and restricted the information because of the war effort. The H1N1 virus hit America in three waves, the second wave being the worst. A deadlier strain of H1N1 surfaced and was spread by the massive troop movements of the war. It’s been said that the dropping of the quarantine restrictions are what caused the second wave and that’s incorrect. While it was a small factor, the troop movements are what spread the new strain. The cramped conditions and the malnutrition among the soldiers hastened the spread. It’s estimated that 500 million people died from H1N1. While that doesn’t sound devastating today, in 1918 that was about one third of the world population. The transmission vectors for H1N1 and Covid-19 are similar and a century of time doesn’t tend to change that. While we lack the troop movements and the conditions of WWII, we more than make up for that with our transportation technology. If that technology had been present in 1918, the death toll would have been much higher. We’ve been extremely lucky so far, yet stupidity is attempting to alter that. III Rampant Stupidity Why do we refuse to learn from the mistakes of the past? We have people protesting, with loaded guns, because they want a hair cut. Instead of throwing these morons in jail, they are allowed to continue in their stupidity. I have a few questions for these paragons of questionable intelligence. Where did you get your medical degrees? What? You don’t have medical degrees? OK. Then your Google Fu must be strong. What? You didn’t use Google? Where are you getting your information then? Ahh, I see. It all becomes clear to me now. This is not about politics and it never has been. These shining examples of American arrogance are simply angry because they’re being told what to do. They think they know more than the experts and they rage against any kind of restriction. Instead of doing what they need to do to protect their families and themselves, they prove their stupidity by endangering everyone around them. If people are still wondering why I view humanity as a failed experiment, this is a perfect example. IV The CDC I'm not a doctor and I don't play one on TV. They have advanced degrees that qualify them to advise us on disease, contrary to what some might choose to believe. Science is fact. Disbelief of science does not invalidate it. In the middle of a pandemic, these are the people I'm going to listen to. Our politicians have no more training in this than I do and out President is less than worthless. To the idiots protesting: No. Your Google Fu is not strong. You're not a scientist or a doctor of anything. If you won't protect others by doing what you're told then stay away from me an mine. I'm 54 years old with a stressed immune system. I follow what's been laid down because I refuse to put you at risk. I could be asymptomatic, meaning I could have the virus and have no symptoms. Having no symptoms does not entitle me to disregard the advice of the experts. Your Pastor or Priest is no more an expert than you are. Some churches ignored the restrictions and what happened to them? Many got sick and others died that may not have if they had done what they were told. V Trumpus Defectus To be clear, our president is neither insane or damaged. He simply doesn't care about you. As long as you vote for him, you could die immediately after casting that vote. He's a billionaire and you're not therefore you're beneath his notice. You don't care about the feelings of a bug when you step on it and that's all you are to him. He's been trained that way since birth. Most of the other billionaires are just like him, he's simply in the public spotlight. Most of the older politicians are no better than he is. They've been bought and paid for decades ago. The sooner we realize that we're nothing more than voting numbers to them, the sooner we can actually make our votes mean something. VI The Economy Money is nothing but ones and zeros in a computer. The dollar is worth what those computers say it is. The economy should have been shut down completely, No money, no revenue, no bills yet everything continues. We could have stayed home, ordered what we needed until this virus burns itself out. Afterwards we could have restarted things, there would have been no penalties and everyone would have been fine. If we had done that it would have restructured the economy, which is exactly why it wasn't done. Another option would have been to turn all of the billionaires into millionaires. Take everything that the filthy rich have, above $500 million, and use it to pay the American people to stay home. We don't need billionaires or the class distinctions they create. It's obvious why this wasn't done. VII Mental Restructuring Since I can't give our country the mental ass kicking it so desperately needs I have to focus inwards. While I'd like to say that this is by choice, it was forced by recent events. Few things are more painful than discovering, or feeling, that you're insignificant in the scheme of things. During a pandemic, our focus should, understandably, on our families and ourselves. Survival is paramount. Understanding that, with the exception of two people, I've done all of the reaching out to make sure that people are OK. These are the same two people that poke ate me if I've been quiet for too long so I wasn't surprised that they reached out first. I'm not a needy, whiny bastard. I'm fairly self-sufficient, I can order what I need and I'm a fairly good cook. Pumpkin, Onyx and I are fine alone, especially since I'm not a big fan of humanity in general. I love certain people but humanity, as a whole, is a lost cause. I didn't reach out for personal connection. I did it see how my friends were doing mentally. The Covid-19 situation has been tough on everyone, especially those of us with mental illnesses. I'm 54 years old with ADHD, Anxiety, Depression and three hernias requiring surgery, which explains the stressed immune system. If it wasn't for the fact that my meds had been increased a month or two before this happened, this situation would have broken me. Two people checking up on me would not have been enough to stop me from imploding. I would have been reduced to a gibbering mess because of the stress or I'd be dead. I'm fine because I noticed a couple of things about five months ago and I consulted my doctor about it. Most people in this situation aren't as lucky as I am, which is why I reach out. Having only two people that bothered to make sure I was OK was eye opening. I'm forced to reevaluate why certain people are in my life and who remains. VIII Bye, Felicia This has honestly been coming for a long time. There are people that only contact me when they want something, usually money. There are others that don't do anything. It's past time to do some pruning. I don't like giving up on people which is why I've avoided this for so long. There are some that are immune to this. My three adoptive sisters in my local area and the ones I love who are out of state. CA, WA, CO, UT, WI, WY, LA, TN, TX, GA, NJ, NY, NH and MD. Wow. Apparently I love more people than I thought I did. They know who they are. If not then they aren't paying attention. If I contact you or interact with you, in any fashion other than work, then I probably love you. Toxic people are leaving as I can't afford to keep them around. Stupidity is also making an exit. Stupidity is Willful Ignorance so why would I want them around to begin with? I have a perfect example of both. There's a post circulating on Facecrack. This one states that the plight of the jews in the Nazi concentration camps is comparable to the Covid-19 quarantine. An old friend shared that on my timeline. If he had been anyone else, I would have deleted and blocked him without hesitation. The only reason he remains is that I've known him for 38 years. I'm waiting to see what he does next. Student of history, remember? I studied WWII in depth so that means that I know more about the concentration camps than most people. The jews were herded there a variety of ways, primarily by train. They were tortured, experimented on, starved, brutalized, a huge number of them were gassed to death and those are actually the high points. It was much worse than I'll ever be able to properly describe and in no way is it even remotely similar to our quarantine. Freedom of speech does not mean freedom from consequence. We're all free to say anything that we want to. We just need to be prepared for the repercussions that arise. If anyone else is stupid enough to share something like that on my timeline, or share it any other place that I can see, they are gone. No questions asked. All anyone needs to do to understand the difference between the two situations is to read a US history book that covers WWII. Posting crap like means that you're choosing to ignore basic evidence. I have no room for anyone like that so Bye, Felicia. IX Best vs Worst This situation can bring out the best or worst in people. You can rise to the occasion or you can sink into depravity. There are plenty of example of both around us. I'm working from home. My bills remain paid. My cats and I are fed and safe. I choose to help where I can. While it's true that I have little faith in humanity, that doesn't mean that I have to circle the drain with the rest of them. I will always try to help those around me. I've been extremely fortunate during this and that should be shared with those that are struggling. This is going to get worse before it gets better. I hope I'm wrong yet there are reports of increases in the infection rate where businesses are being reopened. The last thing we need is a second wave but I'm afraid it may happen. X Dystopia I look around and I have to wonder if we're ever going to grow up as a species. We keep making the same mistakes decade after decade. It's a wonder that we haven't blown ourselves off of the planet. The truth is that this is already a Dystopian society. It's not as bad as the examples we see in movies and on TV yet we are moving towards that. Compared to 20 years ago, we have less privileges now than we did then. We gave them away in exchange for the illusion of safety. We have privileges, not rights. Rights don't exist and are simply an invention to make us feel superior. If it can be taken away, it's a privilege. XI Conclusion While that last part was a little darker than I intended, it is true. I write, primarily, to relieve stress and to clear out my head. It gets pretty cramped in there otherwise. While this won't win me any friends, I may actually post this. My life needs some simplifying anyway. Namaste

[saltpepperbeard]

Okay I’m officially back on my Joshifer bullshit thanks to you lmao. What are your thoughts on all the drama surrounding JH and CT? Do you think she’s the reason Joshifer never came out and admitted they were dating? Or was it because of JL and NH? I figure it’s been long enough that you can talk about it freely without starting the Discourse™️. Feel free to ignore this though if you think otherwise, I don’t want you to get any hate lol.

I feel like my blog should come with a disclaimer honestly. Like, CAUTION: CHANCE TO GET BACK ON YOUR JOSHIFER BULLSHIT UPON VISITING lol. But oooh goodness we’re spilling tea of THAT caliber, huh anon? I don’t mind talking about it at all these days though. Because yeah, I believe we’re definitely out of the shipping war/Discourse™️ days, and I’ve also reached the level of Fandom Veteran where I just…No longer Give A Care lmao. TOO TIRED TO CARE.

But BECAUSE I have a tendency to get ramble-y, let’s go beneath the cut~

Okay so first off, I’ll start out with my honest thoughts on Joshifer, and what I think they had and/or what happened between them. The thing I lean towards the most is that they messed around at Hawaii. I think it’s the most likely thing, given that they were both young, pretty newly single, and alone on that island together. And looking at all the BTS footage, plus every promo that followed? Come on now. And maybe it wasn’t sex necessarily. But at LEAST making out/heavy petting or SOMETHING, my dude. I WANT TO BELIEVE lol.

So, what I LIKE to think happened is that Jen and Josh messed around/had sex/attempted to get into a relationship during the filming of Catching Fire filming somewhere. But in the midst of that, Jen got a little too scared with the whole idea, and ended up breaking things off to eventually go back to Nick. Which, in turn, hurt Josh enough to attempt to mend his wounds by starting a new relationship with Claudia that following summer.

And then that’s where things get…ROCKY lol. Because back in the day, I definitely used to think that Joshifer’s story didn’t end there. I thought that, somewhere down the line, they had to start messing around again or dating in secret, because there were some pretty eyebrow-raising events that took place.

The two ones that instantly jump to my mind are of course, Cannes and the MJ1 Promo. And hell, even MJ2 promo honestly. Cannes because of Jen giving Josh a LAPDANCE and the two of them leaving the party BY THEMSELVES, TOGETHER, “INTO THE NIGHT.” Mockingjay Part One because of them both contracting strep throat, but no one else in the cast/crew seemed to get it. And Mockingjay Part Two because of all those random kisses/bouts of physical affection.

Bruh, I was just CONVINCED that they were going to come out as a couple following the wrap of Mockingjay Part 2. I really really was. But then…they never did. They both seemed to go quite separate ways for that matter. So that’s left my mind to kind of shift a bit and to start questioning things.

Because, almost all throughout the Mockingjay Promos, both Josh and Jen were linked to relationships. Jen with Nick for a bit, and then Chris Martin for a bit, and Josh with Claudia (See I’m to the point where I don’t mind dropping names lol FIGHT ME). So like…BACK IN THE DAY X2 lol, I thought that they were just “cover up” relationships. Or PR relationships, if you will. I kind of hopped aboard that bandwagon because of how CONVINCING Joshifer seemed.

That, and Josh’s relationship with Claudia and Jen’s relationship with Chris just seemed…weird lmao. They didn’t seem anything like what I was seeing during promo with Josh and Jen. So that made me even more convinced that I was on the right track.

But then Jen broke it off with Chris only to move on to Darren, and then to Cooke, and Josh remained with Claudia. The ship I was nearly certain was going to take off never did. So it left me reevaluating tbh.

It made me think that Josh and Claudia had to be an actual relationship. Because, come on lol, there’s no way. Why the hell would he stay with her for six years now, for anything other than…a relationship? Because Paradise Lost lmao; who is she? We don’t know her. It never even made waves in the states at all. And that was FOREVER ago. Josh was never even that big of an actor to really properly “stunt” in my opinion anyway. That seems to be reserved more for the actors who are really on the media’s current radar. The talk of the town lmao.

BUT, that doesn’t mean I’m 100% a fan of them. Because I’m not. Never have been lol. And nor do I really like how they’ve presented their relationship. I’ve definitely seen enough sketchy stuff to make me wrinkle my nose. Which is the drama you were referring to I imagine lol. Claudia using Josh for her career’s benefit, their friends using him for their benefit, yada yada. Idk, once I kind of realized Joshifer wasn’t going to be an immediate thing, and once I kind of stepped away from Josh (which is a whole DIFFERENT story in itself lol), I just…really never jumped into that drama/cared about it at all.

AND, despite talking to a few different people about it, I feel like I never really gathered enough information to really formulate proper opinions on it. AND X2, I kind of realized that hey, these are actual people and we really don’t know what’s going on behind the surface level stuff we’re seeing. We could be 100% right, but we COULD be 100% wrong. So I just kind of stayed out of it, sighed whenever Josh was in Spain or she in the States, and just kind of moved on.

Same thing goes for Jen and Nick. Saying his name makes me shudder, but I think that’s only a self-inflicted gunshot wound lmao; THANKS, TWAAL. I had a lot of issues with him, but I think they were mostly…fandom driven? Like, it was one of those “I don’t like you because you’re interfering with my OTP and because your fandom hates mine” kind of dealios. I really didn’t have any VALID reasons to dislike him at all lmao.

People will say otherwise. I know a lot of Veteran Joshifer Shippers think that relationship was ENTIRELY fake/PR driven too. I can’t say I entirely agree? But again, it’s practically the same thing as my thoughts with Josh and Claudia. I didn’t dive that deep into things regarding that relationship, so I really know nothing, and so I REALLY can’t form a proper opinion.

*Wheeze* SO lol. Where does that leave me now. Well, since things did not go the way I and probably a lot of other people anticipated, I’ve just been…confused? Like yeah, there were things that I DEFINITELY thought were indicative of a possible fling/relationship. But Josh and Jen were with other people…? It seemed so so SO real, but then they moved tf on?

So yeah, I really don’t know what happened at all. I can’t prove anything. Josh and Jen genuinely could have been just friends all throughout promo, hence why they have nothing to tell. Or, they could have genuinely fucked all through promo, and their relationships WERE just indeed PR cover ups at the time. It’s literally impossible to say for certain.

I think if anything did happen though, it’s probably way too soon to tell. Especially with Jen in a rather new and very serious relationship now, and Josh still in the relationship that he was in all throughout promo. I feel like if something did happen, they’d probably open up about it like, a decade or maybe even more down the line. Or who knows, maybe it’ll be their little secret, and our little speculation.

Like, the both of them definitely don’t need anything “cheating scandals” or anything like that running rampant with their current situations. So yeah, if there was something, we likely won’t hear of it for a while, if…ever.

Which Goddddd gets my GOAT lmao. Still bitter to this day. And still can’t fathom what happened between those two. Because I was rooting for them so very hard, anon. I think everyone was at a point. There was just so much RIDICULOUS shipping fuel between them.

And I think for that reason, I’m always going to be rooting for them in one way or another. They’re the equivalency of a “first love” for me lol. Like, I’ll always always remember what I saw between them/have a soft spot for them regardless. And I’ll definitely ALWAYS have fingers crossed for ANY tidbits.

[aloevverified]

“AND HE KILLED HER WITHOUT REASON?”

mcu character(s) T’Challa “Black Panther” Udaku, Everett Ross, Erik Killmonger, Okoye, Ayo pairing T’Challa x reader format oneshot warning angst word count 1.8k

request “Hi! I need some Black Panther angst in my life… could I request something where T'Challa x reader where T'Challa finds out about reader’s death? If not, don’t worry about it. Thank you!!”

summary Everett Ross is on a mission in South Korea to keep ties with an arm dealer named Klaue. When Ross doesn’t return home, your colleagues discreetly inform you that he has been transferred to Wakanda. You request to join him in Wakanda but hadn’t expected to arrive amidst a greater conflict.

Wakandan warriors dressed in red and silver waited with you outside the throne room of King T’Challa. It was odd to call him that. King. He had always been just T’Challa during your short-lived romance. He needed someone after the tragic loss of his father, and so did you. Your best friend was killed during a CIA mission in Argentina. You weren’t ashamed of the circumstances of the relationship. Both of you had hinted it was a comfort to have someone you could dwell with in sorrow.

For Ross, who had found out about the relationship shortly after, found it merely convenient to have someone so close to the then-Prince. T’Challa was consumed with vengeance, thinking it was his right to apprehend and murder the Winter Soldier for killing his father. Once it was clear the Winter Soldier was innocent, T’Challa handed in Zemo to the CIA. That is when both of you decided that the relationship couldn’t withstand. T’Challa was leaving back for his home country again, and you had your own responsibilities as a CIA agent.

It was funny how fate worked. You were here, now, in Wakanda. A technological advanced society concealed in plain sight. Your eyes had never witnessed a thing like it, only in Sci-Fi novels perhaps, but then still it seemed incomparable. T’Challa hadn’t told much about Wakanda during your romance. Since you understood it was a third-world country, you also never elaborated the topic during conversations.

One of the warriors standing beside you was Ayo, who you recognized immediately as T’Challa’s bodyguard in America. She had welcomed you after someone from the Border tribe announced your arrival and brought you to the palace. She didn’t say a word after a cold greeting, so neither did you. All you were left to do was take in all the splendor that was T’Challa’s palace, but you couldn’t shake off the feeling of a disturbing solemnness in the air. Ayo was cold but she knew who you were.

The doors to the throne room finally opened. The warriors in red and silver entered the room first, following the circular walls to take their places next to other bald warriors in red and silver. You found yourself amid a council meeting between different Wakandan leaders. They were dressed in bright colors and fine clothing, though, T’Challa wasn’t one of them. On the middle seat, which you assumed must be the throne, sat a menacing figure. He eyed you with such intensity you might think he tried to snap your neck with his thoughts. The silence in the room was uncannily distressing.  

“I am here to meet King T’Challa,” you tried.

“You’re too late, sweetie,” he smiled viciously. “That dude is gone. I am the King now.”

You were taken aback by those words. T’Challa couldn’t be dead. More surprisingly, the man had an American accent unlike T’Challa’s and Ayo’s English that bore a heavy Wakandan accent. Why does an American citizen sit in the council of Wakanda, as King nonetheless?

“You here to waste my time?” the man asked. “What is a CIA agent like you doing in Wakanda?”

His question suggested that you must be the only CIA agent in Wakanda which meant he didn’t known about Ross’ presence in Wakanda. So, whatever was going on here, Ross was clearly safe. You quickly had to find a way to not expose him too. But this man, wearing a black fur mantle and a necklace of ivory teeth around his neck, calling himself King, was as much an intruder as you yourself were. Almost every face in the room watched him with terrified anticipation. While searching for the right words to your lie, you stammered your next words.

“I am here because…”

In a second, the man stood up from the throne, closed the distance between you and wrapped his hands around your neck, lifting you from the floor.

“I won’t ask you twice, girl.”

“Vibranium,” you choked.

The man let you go. You fell on your knees, coughing for breath.

“What about it, huh?”

His voice carried through the room with a deafening thud.

You picked yourself up before finishing the lie you started.

“The CIA has been informed that Klaue has been dealing Vibranium again. He was last signaled in South-Korea before he was able to escape our hands. I come with new information on his whereabouts.”

“These agents know how to lie,” he laughed to the people beside him.Your heart raced against your chest as his eyes pierced yours again. “Bad for you that Klaue is dead and I happen to have killed him.”

“Wh-What?”

You were unable to hide your own disbelief. What has happened since Ross arrived here?

“So enough with your shit! Tell me what you’re doing here,” the man exclaimed as he took your chin between his fingers. “Or, you’ll be my next scar.”

He had whispered that last sentence in your ear. You didn’t understand its meaning and helplessly scanned this threatening figure. Underneath his mantle, his skin was covered in small bulky marks and your mind decided that a lie wasn’t going to save you here.

“I am here to join Everett Ross,” you sighed, “a CIA agent who has been transferred to Wakanda after he was shot in South-Korea.”

The man turned to a female warrior who sat behind him in the circle. She had the same uniform as the other female warriors only the silver accents switched with gold ones, and inked patterns on her scalp.

“There’s a second CIA agent in my country, and nobody be thinking to tell me?!”

The warrior in gold stood from her place and looked him dead in the eyes before answering.

“She is lying.” You thought you saw Ayo flinch in her row.

“If there was another CIA agent on Wakandan ground,” the warrior in gold continued, “I would know.”

Your eyes darted from her to the man in black fur. His eyes cut in yours and in a split second something changed. A dark feeling weighted your stomach down.

“Guess another scar then,” he said with a tilted head. Before you knew it, the man put his fingers back around your throat, your feet dangling above the floor. Your fingernails scratched the skin of his fingersopen, trying to loosen his grip on you. You pushed your legs through the air, trying to find the safety of the floor. Your hands flicked for anything to grasp but his muscles only fletched in response to squeeze his hand tighter around your neck. Your arms tired, your body numbed and your sight flickered a black-white until it settled on nothing.

***

Wakanda finally calmed down in peace after the arrival of Erik Killmonger, the only son of his uncle N’Jobu. The cousin, who had challenged him for the throne, had died at his hands. T’Challa never wished to mirror the actions of his father once he knew what role he had played in Killmonger’s past, but Killmonger didn’t wish to be saved, and there was nothing he could do about it.

He returned to his palace, his throne, still conflicted about everything that had happened. Wakanda was back in his safe hands but he knew their policies had to be reevaluated. Killmonger had struck a snare within T’Challa, more so than Nakia had when she said Wakanda could help others while keeping itself safe. His obligation as King of Wakanda now was to act on these events in the ways he saw fit.

Between the council seats, Okoye and Ayo were heavily discussing something, only to stop when they noticed his arrival in the throne room. Both their faces showed concern in their brows. Behind them, he noticed Ross standing at the window.

“Only a day ago, you were celebrating in victory for Wakanda,” he smiled at them.

Ross slightly angled his body to him. His hand clasped his mouth as he stared out of the window. His shoulders were slumped. The tinch of unease from the scene grew even more as Okoye and Ayo walked up to him. Did something happen to Nakia?

“My King, I am truly sorry about the news I bring,” Okoye said. She swallowed before proceeding. “Another CIA agent arrived yesterday morning in Wakanda.”

His eyes darted to Ross before returning carefully to Okoye to finish her words.

“And, she was killed by Killmonger, only moments after.”

“She?” T’Challa’s thoughts darted from left to right, hoping, praying the CIA agent wasn’t the one he suspected. “Okoye, who was this CIA agent?”

“[Y/N],” Ayo said. “It was [Y/N].”

T’Challa grapped Okoye’s arms for steady.

“I didn’t know who she was,” Okoye said as she put her hands under his elbows for support.

“Why did she come here?” he asked.

“She came to join agent Ross after she heard he was injured.”

“And he killed her without reason?”

T’Challa didn’t understand. He let Okoye’s arms go and walked to his throne. His legs were failing him. Another life lost at the hands of Killmonger. Zuri, one of his Doras and now [Y/N]? But Killmonger didn’t come to Wakanda to kill blameless lives. Killmonger killed Zuri once he understood who Zuri had been in his youth. The Dora was killed in battle. You had no role in Killmonger’s story, or his fight, unless you provoked him in any way. Yet, T’Challa knew you to be more reasonable, to assess a situation before making fatal decisions.

“What happened, Okoye?”

Okoye shuffled before standing tall, chin in the air and firm in her words. “I wanted to keep the Queen Mother, Princess Shuri and Nakia safe. Agent Ross was with them, so I had to make him believe there was no CIA agent present in Wakanda. I kept them safe by suggesting the CIA agent had lied.”

“Okoye…”

T’Challa didn’t know what else to say. His breath choked. A mingle of pain, anger and guilt rushed through him.

“Go,” he whispered.  

Okoye fell on one knee and stared into his eyes. “I am sorry, my King,” she insisted pleadingly, “but I needed to keep them safe.”

He buried his distorted face in both his hands as the dark realization of your death settled. Okoye only handled the way he would’ve expected her to handle. Now, you were dead, and blame laid partially in his hands too. He remembered how you smelled like sweet jasmines after a shower, how you soothed him into a calm sleep when the loss of your father reminisced. His body shuddered with guilt. He was left with all these memories without hope to hear your voice once more.

“All of you go!,” T’Challa shouted.

His voice couldn’t hide the pain of his loss.

A spear bonked twice on the floor before the sync footsteps of the Dora Milaje informed him that Okoye was leaving with Ayo and the rest of her warriors. A hand rested on his shoulder.

“She’ll be given a proper salute in America,” Ross stated. His voice too tinged with loss and ache.

T’Challa lifted his head to see Ross leave the throne room. Only then, he let himself cry the tears he desperately kept for himself.

masterlist |

personal remark I present you my very first oneshot! Thank you so much to the anon requesting it. I didn’t know whether you wanted it to stand alone outside the MCU or within the Black Panther story. I chose the latter, and really enjoyed filling up possible plotholes (though I know there still some there). Enjoy! P.S.: English is not my first language, so sorry in advance for errors in language use!

[thisismelei]

(A Reflection) I watched Kissing Booth

So, I just finished the Part two.

Makes me reminisced how fun it is to organized events for school, I've always loved those events. The greatest thing this movie did is, it doesn't just hit teenagers but it kind of reflected life and relationships which what I've gone through in the past.

Lessons Learned:

1. Rules you made when you're younger may or may not be applicable growing up, life happens, and your principles are tested. You always have to reevaluate.

This is where the part Lee found out about Noah and Elle relationship. It is funny how we set some standards when we were younger, thinking we know everything we need in this life and it must be followed. Like we’ve already figured it out, but the certain line of Elle reminded me of a conflict I had with one of my boyfriend's friends. Sometimes people think they have "more" right to control over something because they wished they could keep the relationship unchanged. But controlling over something because you are just afraid of being left out, is a close-minded thinking, it is selfish. Elle's got a life and in the movie, it reflected how courageous she went to face it the way she wanted it. She goes ahead and run over to Noah confront her best friend with respect.

On part of Lee, it was immature to dispose a relationship over something you want to possess and he is firm that this thing shouldn't change. However, if no changes made at all, then we won't be able to grow up. In the movie it later reveals the insecurity of Lee against his brother that holding the both grow in life.

2. Set your Priorities and Boundaries.

It is when Rachel, the girlfriend of Lee is requesting boundaries with the friendship of Elle and Lee. Ugh! How I wish it was really the same result in reality. I am a believer of "labels" because I've been with too many confusing, awkward situations where I don't know my place and it was really frustrating. I learned that I have to know what is my role in people’s lives, so i won't keep expecting and disappointing myself. So there, i also have two guy bestfriends which the closeness is really on the level of Lee and Elle. It wasn't very easy when I got a partner but they've been really supportive with the two of us. And if there's some advice I needed to hear from them they made sure that i communicate it first to my partner which is the very act Rachel did to Lee.

There's really a need for improvement on Lee's end that lucky for him, Rachel gave a second chance.

3. Of course the very famous line. Just let things be, be at the present.

God I so felt Elle's worry in the relationship. You know when you think of a relationship if it is worthy and you worry too much what will happen, you just wanted to end it and that's it. That maybe this will not gonna last, you both meet people and you’ll go on separate path. Because we cannot really hold them, it is better feeling when they stay because they wanted to, not because you asked, begged or make them picked.

4. Elle's reflection of who she wanted to be in 5 years.

It was touching and very real, life can blind us on the things we think we wanted. But it is actually showing our authenticity, really think of what is important from you. I never had a chance to write to these colleges but I encounter this question a lot in my career. Being aware of what is important things in your life will make you realize what kind of future you want to build.

(couldn't find a copy in the internet but it was at the ending, srsly just watch na lang).

[hoganleslie93]

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[pilgrimonpoint]

“The Pattern Aggrandizment of Self-Delusion.”

Is There a Term for Convincing Those Around You of The Obvious, Then the Obvious Thing Doesn’t Happen?

Yes. It is called “The Pattern Aggrandizement of Self-Delusion.”

I have been in a near constant state of awakening and suicidal ideation, but really, who hasn't been?

Anyway, one of the realizations I had sprang from the analysis of my accrued data metrics that addressed “whether or not”, in aggregate, “listening to my ‘gut' had the generalized overall result being beneficial, certainly positive, and nice feeling upon post examinations of my necessarily subjective experience of the undocumented events as remembered after the fact".

What I learned was ‘jaw dropping.’

The unqualified result was that, astoundingly, I had never listened to my gut up until the age of 46, and my life had generally been a sucky experience, BUT, since then, while being in the most chaotic time in memory, it has also been the most mind-bogglingly creative and satisfying time I have ever lived!

The crises personally and country wide were seismic! In many, many ways I was the same me, but in a different place and time. The question then occurred to me, "what is the most consistent random thing to occur in my life?”

Without hesitation, the thought manifested within my expansive mind, “420”.

Now mind you, I am not a pot smoker. Sure, in the past I liked to “loosen the screws", but for me the experience was “losing the screws altogether. Has anyone seen my glasses? How about my keys?”

You feel me.

Since I was 16, you would not credit as believable how many times I have wondered,” what time is it?”

Looked at the clock, and, you guessed it, exactly 420.

It happened so much that I have been using it as a running joke for over 10 years now. Even going as far as to text my partner every time it happens to try and share the weirdness of it. It did not even occur to me to wonder, “I wonder what it could mean in relation to April 2020?” prior to last Nov.

When it did, the first thing I thought was, “I wonder if that is when I am going to die?” My ‘gut’ reacted when I considered it. So, I considered it more.

Now this is the part of the story where it REALLY starts to make sense. When I was 22, and just out of the Marines, Texas had just started the state lottery. Looking at the odds of winning, it occurred to me that the best random odds one could have would be to pick one set of numbers at 21, or 22, then play those numbers with odd regularity until I died at 127, and have a better chance of winning than any other strategy.

Let me tell you, I was SO impressed with myself. Especially when each number I chose had a special significance. OF COURSE, I told my family, my friends, strangers, little children, EVERYBODY about my brilliant plan. I talked about it so much, my friends and family knew my numbers without the need for hints.

After two weeks of being fully the most annoying pleasant intellectual in all West Texas, my roommate and I were parked in front of The Colonial at 9 pm. Terry was in the store, and my gut went crazy!

I had the darndest feeling that I should buy a ticket, BUT I only had 5 dollars and we were headed to the dollar theater to watch a movie. $1 to get in. $2 for a large soda, and $2 for a hotdog or nachos. So, in weighing my desires, I found getting a soda and hotdog outweighed my need to buy a lottery ticket, and realize again I was paying “the poor man's tax” as my father was want to call the lottery.

OK!

I had decided.

Shut UP gut!

Then Terry got into the vehicle.

“Aren’t you going get a lottery ticket??” He asked significantly, leaning over towards me and wagging his eyebrows to indicate he was only half mocking my intellectual prowess, which was profound, yet untested at such a young age. I then had to explain to him my well-reasoned excuse not to purchase a ticket, even repeating my father's moniker for the gambling game.

“Alright!” Terry said, and we went to the movies.

In those days, the theater would put up the numbers next to the movie screen on drawing nights. I was watching the trailers when Terry punched the holy living hell out of my shoulder.

“What the F Ter-,” Terry interrupted my indignant anger, “Look!” he said loudly, pointing. Following his pointer finger I saw at the end of it, my lottery numbers. Loud, recriminations ensued.

That was my first gut failure and will long live in the annals of family history of missed chances.

I have had many times from then to my present 47 years where, every time I ignored my gut, I later learned I should have listened to my gut. It was with this infallible information in hand last Dec, I decided TO follow my gut for ONCE in my life. Further, I decided to combine it with another observation regarding my life.

That observation was my life seemed to, without intent, be the most cliché life that I am aware of. So much so, that if I am in an unusual situation, or witness to one, and I can think of an absurd situational cliché similar to what I am witnessing, then further picture an even more absurd cliché that involves me, then it will probably happen, and then leave where ever I am because I am tired of experiencing absurd clichés in my life. Really.

As a brief example of what I mean, I have actually been in a situation where a hot, beautiful, younger woman was BEGGING me to be with her, and my response in that moment was, “No, not until you tell me something personal about you. It can be made up, I don’t care, but it has to sound personal.” To which she said, “Shut up and GIVE it to me!” I then responded with, and I am completely serious, I said, “But I want to get to know you as a person!”

Really? What!

And I meant it! I realized the irony of the situation as well as the cosmic humor of the organic interaction.

My friends said that I could get struck by lightning on a cloudless day. It was so ridiculous, even my friends and family could only agree with the sentiment.

Back to 420.

So I combined “Cliché” with “420” and came up with the conviction, not mere supposition, but conviction that the “Big One” was going to happen in the San Francisco Bay area on, you guessed it, 4/20/20.

For those too busy for historical references, “Big One” in this context refers to a geological tremor, of OMG proportions. If I had lost some of you to a more debauched definition for “Big One” when associated with San Francisco, no worries, I added some useless but fun filler for the rest of us to read until you came back from your “wonderings”. We are not judging.

Welcome back!

I further backed this up with a dream I had my first night in the area. I dreamt that I was on a roof with another guy and water was swiftly rising up and overtaking us, and I was yelling, “which way do we swim for the Berkeley Hills?!”. Not a normal dream, but one of those super lucid, real feeling ones.

I had had 5 of them in my life. One of THOSE 5 was a dream where I standing on a cliff on the west coast overlooking the ocean, and there were meteors, several of them trailing huge smoke trails behind them, and I said in the dream, "And behold, a mountain was cast down from the heavens, and this is the 6th seal”

I quietly began telling friends and family and those I like to go camping or be out of town on 4/20. Hell, I was so convincing, my sons and partner were trying to help pack so we could get on the road at 2 am on 420! It was such a mess despite all efforts, I took that as a sign I should just chill and not drive to the border of OR to wait. The border of Oregon, OF COURSE because, during our research, we discovered that our RV Trailer Park of extravagant plushness, was encircled on three sides by liquefaction zones. LIQUIFACTION ZONES! We were also within a 15-minute walk on our other side to the Hayward Faultline. As well as 5, not 4, not 6, but 5 volcanoes that had active within enough historical time, to add a nice hysterical flavor to our familial rash of survivalist instincts!

Did I really want to see if, in another cosmic cliché, I was a prophet?

“Oh man. Please no. Not in the middle of a pandemic with apocalypse feelings like this happening with everyone in twenty-seven social interactions I had been having lately. I even read a couple chapters of Revelations. The only thing more catastrophic than reading revelations with serious intent to understand is our local crazy on the street corner not carrying an “end is nigh” sign. OMG, he is carrying a sign! I will get burned at a stake for sure!”

I reasoned one of two things were going to happen come 4/20/20.

One, my talent for identifying unusual, but true patterns in meta social data was more that I wanted to actually have, or two, I had a lesson to learn and needed to reevaluate some of my life choices.

Not doing anything would be irresponsible, where doing something COULD save some lives. If nothing happened, no real trouble for anyone, and I didn’t broadcast across the internet, and set myself up for being an I-D-I-O-T publicly. Only privately, and within a small circle of people who would either need to be stopped from making more of my prophetic powers than is seemly, or hopefully, they could accept the above reasons as fair, and let me learn said lessons without too much joking about Nostradamus or even considering crossing a pandemic border to then go into a more serious lockdown for 14 days of shame, or anything. I mean, I DID tell them the same thing as in this paragraph BEFORE 420, so I have a very reasonable, and self-evaluating insanity.

YAY!

*my partner says I must inform y’all that we had actually been planning a trip to OR for many months before our invisible stalking COVID frenemy began crawling up both legs at the same time

It being June 8th now, you can figure that I learned the lesson of not associating entirely subjective experiences into any kind of designation of anything prophetic or inane. Trust me, I am not that guy, which is exactly why the whole collection of things felt MORE probable. People were like, “Man, Adrian is saying this. Shit! Maybe something IS going to happen!”

Yeah Something happened. I realized my hair was not on fire, and humans are silly as hell. Oh, I made up the term up top. Seemed in keeping with the tongue-in-cheek feel I was going for.

Pattern Aggrandizement of Self-Delusion in no way whatsoever, needs to be credited to me when bringing up who coined the phrase, but if absolutely necessary, you may use Sabrina Siebert, 42, from Troy Michigan. She IS the boss. I merely dictated this answer.

*OOOOwwwww

**she is giving the evil eye, but smiling, and denying, and now looking down at her phone. Mission accomplished.

Feedback in comments! THANKS!

Respectfully,

A. Yobi Blumberg

#veteranartist #voctrbe #veteranwriter #ptsdtherapy #thetruth #hmor

[thecineastes-blog]

Grand Prix RPDR RuView: Morning Glory (S06E04)

I hope you have had your morning coffee, and prepare to smize! For Grand Prix RPDR RuView, we’ll be giving you the overview of each episode, top moments of each episode, the shadiest moment of each episode, our favorite queen of the each episode, our least favorite queen of each episode, best looks on the runway, and our predictions for next week.

So the episode opens with the queens reentering the workroom after Kimora’s elimination. Aja goes on about how she feels her self-confidence lowering and how she needs to reevaluate her drag. Sasha brings up a very good point about Aja needing some humble pie. The queens begin to joke, but then Aja and Alexis say they don’t feel Valentina deserved almost winning. I’m just worried about Aja’s fall off of her high horse.

The next day Ru informs her legendary children that the main challenge will be having to be split in teams of two and perform a morning talk show. They are also reminded that this challenge will be taped LIVE, so there are no second takes. Since Trinity won and Aja survived the lip sync they are made team captains. Aja is made captain for the “Good Morning Bitches” tv show, and enlists Valentina, Sasha, Shea, Alexis, and Farrah as her co-anchors. Trinity is made headliner for “Not on Today” with Peppermint, Charlie, Cynthia, Eureka, and Nina. Nina is bummed that she is picked last. From what we have been presented, I would never categorize Nina as a Debbie Downer.

From the start, Eureka is just full of it...ideas. Trinity implements a rule where you must raise your hand before someone else can speak. Trinity chooses what everyone’s role for the morning show. Eureka and Trinity keep butting heads, and it’s not pretty. Trinity then decides for the group to break away and work with their partners. Charlie is doing the rumor mill with Cynthia. Cynthia wants to put her own spin on the lines, which irks Charlie. She fears the delivery will not be right and fall flat. Cynthia does like Charlie’s critiques and finds Charlie smothering and possessive.

Good Morning Bitches are the first group to film their show. Ross Matthews is acting as director/producer for both shows. Does this mean we’ll see him pour hot coffee in the face of interns and chain smoke because he’s worried about the show’s success?...Probably not. Ross does mention that their set was furnished by 204 Events (whatever the hell that is…) Farrah and Alexis are the main co-anchors, and go off very well. Farrah shows off the newest trend, acrylic nails, which were so hard to get off Farah started to panic after their taping ended.

Aja and Valentina were head of entertainment news where they look at humorous photos of drag queens, which was descent. Sasha and Shea nailed the challenge with their food segment. It was funny, AND was borderline softcore Lesbian porn! Naya comes in as the celebrity guest for the final roundtable. Their interview with her comes off without a hitch.

Not on Today enter the set, and prepare to go live. Trinity and Peppermint are the star co-anchors, who come off as rather toxic frenemies; they weren’t so much funny bitchy, as they were just bitchy bitchy. Peppermint fumbles some of her lines toward the end of her segment. Charlie and Cynthia were up next doing the entertainment news. They play #SophiesChoices; while Cynthia was lively and fun, Charlie sort of falls flat. The second game they played was even worse. Eureka and Nina were the bright spots in the whole spectacle. They showed how to do drag on an extreme dime. They were both engaging and fun. Finally it’s the celebrity interview; the queens were rather abrupt with Naya. Since no one was paying attention Charlie had to give a rather terse end to the morning show.

The next day Aja laments to Alexis about her position in the competition. Valentina and Aja have a heart to heart. They may become the Elphaba and Galinda of the season. Cynthia tells Charlie about her work with HIV patients, and Charlie bares her soul about how she had to bury most of her friends died from the HIV-AIDS Crisis. The queens also discuss different issues that they have dealt with, and Eureka casually jokes about eating disorders. Sasha tells Eureka is is not right for her to do that, as she has personally fought eating disorders for most of her life. The argument goes around in circles and Valentina just asks them to focus on prepping for the main stage.

Joining Ru, Michelle and Matthew are our guest judges for this episode, Glee’s Naya Rivera, as well as Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman from the Lifetime dark comedy-drama series, UnREAL. Sasha and Shea rightfully won, they and rest of their team are safe and are excused to untuck backstage. Trinity was criticized for being too mean, uptight, and not really a good fit for morning tv. Peppermint’s outfit was read to filth, but her character was deemed far more likeable than Trinity’s. Both Peppermint and Trinity apologized for not ending the show well.

WHY did no team do a boozy, kooky Hoda Kotb and Kathy Lee Gifford kind of morning talk show? That’s why those two are so popular! Or even with the View, you have so many different personalities it is fun to watch. I’m surprised Charlie didn’t put on a heavy British accent and joining Cynthia with being an outrageous expat.

Charlie’s control freak behavior ruined the timing, Cynthia was congratulated for keeping her composure when things with Charlie got tense. Eureka and Nina were praised but warned to brace themselves for how tougher the competition would become. RuPaul asks the contestants who on their team should be sent home. Trinity and Peppermint agree on Charlie, Cynthia and Charlie say Peppermint. Eureka and Nina agree on Trinity. Trinity snaps back at Eureka for trying to throw her under the bus. The queens are excused backstage while the judges deliberate.

Trinity and Charlie lip sync; Trinity gives it her all...and Charlie just stands there like a mighty sequoia.It reminded me of Tammie Brown and Akashia lip sync of “Break The Dawn” by Michelle Williams from season one...just really stiff and awkward. I heard through the grapevine that Charlie left the show because of broken ribs he got from the cheerleading challenge. But you don’t go on a show and decide to not participate in the thing that would keep you said show. I guess Charlie thought he would be like Tyra Sanchez, Alaska, Courtney Act, and Bianca Del Rio and have to lip sync to reach top 4. You have said that Bianca del Rio does not lip sync. Bianca does not like to lip sync and there is a difference. 

Bianca Del Rio’s lip syncing to “Evita”

In Untucked, Aja opens up about her issues with her skin and appearance. Shea revels in being able to win a challenge. She also emphasizes that perspective is key for everyone’s survival. The Good Morning Bitches queens speculate who will be in the bottom, and it seems like Trinity and Peppermint are lip syncing the general consensus. Not on Today’s awkward chemistry seems to be apparent to them, and they didn’t even see that segment! The rest of the queens are excused backstage and are greeted with cocktails. Eureka and Trinity go for the jugular. I understand Trinity was offended by Eureka questioning her leadership, but for Trinity to dismiss Eureka’s experience (even going so far as to walk away…) is very rude. Even Charlie thought there should have been more rehearsal and get more familiar with the script and roles.

Runway Over-Ru:

The blink and you miss it runway….ugh. The runway theme this week was ‘Naughty Nightie’, of which a majority of the queens I feel missed the mark. First up, Farrah Moan, in a pastel pink look that I could best describe as ‘if Marlene Dietrich was a femme-bot in “Austin Powers”. Serving “soft body”- Alexis Michelle, in a rose printed robe that revealed into a stoned corset and panty. She reminded me of a wealthy woman preparing for a night out. Being awarded ‘most improved’ was Aja, in a red burlesque inspired number. Her makeup was blended, softened and pretty.

It was still drag but fit her face better-and her outfit was sexy. Speaking of sexy-was Valentina, in something I could see slinking down the runway of Agent Provocateur. She managed to still be demure in such an overtly sensual look. While I understood Shea’s Harlem Renaissance/Cotton Club seductress bit, the look didn't really give me “Naughty Nightie”-perhaps if she had on a chemise or bralette/knicker combo it would've fit the 1920s look better. Sasha’s unusual Crimson Peak/Moulin Rouge look wasn't bad-just confusing. She loves a good prop.

I'm convinced Trinity has a fantasy about infidelity? From the cheated on new anchor to the mistress runway look-was she giving us the underlying narrative? Her cheek baring black lace lingerie look was fierce, but could've done without the weird gold trash bag esque robe. Peppermint look wasn’t terrible, but I feel it didn't fit her, and the gloves and necklace took it out of the realm ‘boudoir’. Had she done a silk and lace nightie, maybe a sleep mask pushed up on the top of her head, and a marabou slipper, it would've look looked 1000x better. Charlie’s lingerie look reminded me of Lindsay Duncan’s character in “Under the Tuscan Sun”. Sexy on the runway quickly translated to ‘get off my lawn you hooligans!’ in the lip-sync. Confusing. Beffuddled. 

Perplexing. All words I'd use to describe Cynthia Lee Fontaine’s look this week. In a weird combination of dominatrix, meets Halloween angel costume, in contrast with her Marilyn Monroe hairstyle and accessories from “Gentleman Prefer Blondes” this look really missed the mark. 

In what I described as “a cheap dress from Rainbow with a bargain bin corset from Frederick’s of Hollywood” was Eureka, in yet another #wigtopiary, which for some reason needed a wig reveal? I'm biding my time until Michelle brings up wig choices. Nina Bo’nina Brown’s skeleton look was a bit underwhelming, as it was just some pasties, a corset and a panty, but her paint job saved it. Also I love her long winded look descriptions-they rival Kennedy Davenport’s iconic “after a long night of hooking…”

The looks this week were hit or miss, just like Mama Ru’s unfortunately. Her makeup and hair looked fine, but where is her stylist this season? Could VH1 not muster up the budget to retain her stylist from Logo? Anyway...see you next week!

Jonny’s Favorite Moments:

Jungle Fever?: Sasha and Shea’s sapphic moment was humorous AND kind of sexy lol

Drag on a Dime: Nina and Eureka’s segment was so much fun...but could not save that team’s Titanic of a disaster .   

Jonny’s Favorite Shadiest Moments:

At a standstill?: Charlie not lip syncing, was completely disappointing. It was painfully hard to watch. Charlie had such an impassioned speech earlier in the episode I had hoped she would have been more driven to stay in the series.

Mocha-choca-lata ya ya: Seems a shame no one did an homage to the Moulin Rouge version of “Lady Marmalade” for “Naughty Nighties”

Jonny’s Favorite Queen of the Episode:

Alexis Michelle, she was very poised for Good Morning Bitches, and loved her bedroom attire on the mainstage.

Jonny’s Least Queen of the Episode:

Trinity, she was being a control freak of Joan Crawford proportions.

Predictions:

….is it Snatch Game yet?

Anais’s Favorite Moments:

VH-none: ALOT of the show is cut down for time reasons...including the mini challenges, which are apparently defunct. The show seems a lot shorter than its hour time slot, crappily hosted “viewing party” (aka designated bathroom and snack breaks) and massive amounts of commercials-do not compensate.

Lost in translation: the majority of ‘Not on Today’ was an entertaining train wreck with some bright  spots-Cynthia Lee Fontain and the ‘Drag on a Dime’ segment.

Anais’s Favorite Shadiest Moments:

Girl fight: things got soooo shady and drama filled during untucked between Eureka and Trinity, about the challenge and who should be in the bottom. And when Trinity said “you're done, because in going to tell you why you're done”- girl.

Over-it: Nina Bo’Nina Brown laying on the ottoman in ‘Untucked’ while Eureka and Trinity fought: truly iconic.

Anais’s Favorite Queen of the Episode:

Sasha Velour-from her hilarious morning show moment with Shea during the Maxi challenge to seeing her go toe to toe with Eureka about her ill timed joke-it was nice seeing her emote and show a different side to her personality.

Anais’s Least Queen of the Episode:

Trinity and Eureka. Although their ‘Untucked’ fight was undoubtedly entertaining, Trinity’s iron fisted leadership and Eureka’s constant need for attention (read: screentime) are both equally annoying.

Predictions:

Will the Library be open? Also SNATCH GAME.

[crashdevlin]

Fate’s Fool: Part One

Summary: Reader is an Omega who spends most of her time alone in an effort to avoid Alphas. She only leaves her apartment one night a week to play pub trivia at her local bar. What happens when her friends talk two transient Alphas into joining their trivia team?

Pairing: Alpha Dean x Omega Reader

Warnings: A/B/O dynamics, smut.

Author’s Note: This is my first A/B/O fic. So, please be gentle.There will be two parts. Part two is gonna have the smut. The trivia rounds are legit Geeks Who Drink Trivia rounds that I have played and yes, it is awkward when your teammates think you’re vanilla and then you know all the answers to the Marquis de Sade round. Just sayin’.

You'd been going to Thursday night Geeks Who Drink Trivia at your local bar for almost two years. Your friends told you that you needed to get out of the house and suggested the game, which relied more heavily on pop culture knowledge than general knowledge. You'd started on Saturdays, but eventually you moved to Thursday's quiz specifically to avoid people. Most people out on a Thursday night weren't gonna bother with you. It's not that you were antisocial or agoraphobic, you simply preferred to stay home because more people meant a higher probability of meeting some knothead Alpha who thought it was his place in life to make you his and you didn't want or need that macho BS in your life.

You were always small, short and petite-framed, so you'd known you were going to be an Omega just like your mom, but you'd presented late. You were 24 when that first heat hit, so you'd already learned to live your life as a Beta. You weren't going to bow to your genetics just because that's what society said you should do. Against your mother's advice and insistence, you had your doctor put you on the strongest suppressants legal to America and you determined not to change a thing about your life.

Fate, of course, had other plans.

Your fiancé, a Beta who knew your likely presentation before he got down on one knee, couldn't take it when you finally did present. As he left you crying in the park where he'd proposed to you, he made it out like he was doing it for you. "You're always going to be craving something I could never give you. You need an Alpha, someone to give you what you need."

That was the same tactic your boss used when he fired you 'for your safety'. "Too many Alphas shop here. It wouldn't be safe for an unmated Omega. You can reapply once you've got an Alpha... if he lets you." The discrimination you suddenly started having to deal with on a day-to-day basis drove you home. You got a job as a freelance transcriptionist and started to spend all of your time in your apartment. You doubled down on your suppressants, burned all sorts of incense to keep any Omega scent occluded, and you became a hermit, existing only as an online presence.

That is, until your friend and former colleague, Wendy, wore you down about trivia. Your six-person team was originally four Betas, an Alpha and you. The Alpha was fine with you for several Saturdays in a row and you were getting comfortable around him, until he scented you as an Omega. That started a confrontation that the whole bar seemed to weigh in on, about what you were doing with your life as a 26 year old unmated.

You switched to Thursdays after that. Wendy and one of the other Betas switched days with you but the Alpha and the other two did not, so you were left with half a team and the solution your friends came up with was to 'pick up strays' in the bar to fill out the team.

Wendy and Alice tried to avoid picking up stray Alphas for the team, but sometimes they were so attracted to a man, they'd invite one to join you for the night. You'd always end up quiet and reserved, in the corner, barely contributing.

When you walked into the bar you claimed your table in the corner, with your back to the wall so no one could sneak up on you, and let your eyes scan the bar. Wendy and Alice were flanking two men, both tall and broad-shouldered. Alphas. Obvious Alphas. Huge, hot, you thought you might be able to smell them from across the bar and one or both of them smelled amazing.

You sighed and pulled a pill bottle out of your purse. Emergency suppressants of a dubious nature. Highly experimental, illegal in the States, carrying warnings like 'MAY CAUSING LOSS OF REPRODUCTING ORGAN'; you bought them online and prayed you wouldn't have to use them. Tonight, you were going to have to use them. If Alice and Wendy were going to be picking up those two strays, you were gonna need them. The men followed your teammates over to the table as you were swallowing the pill down dry.

"Y/n, this is Sam and his brother, Dean." Alice said, smiling down at you.

Normally, you'd give a tentative smile and wave from your corner but something about the way the brothers both smiled at you, it filled you with warmth instead of fear. You stood, taking Sam's hand and nodding. "Nice to meet you. I need to go get a beer. Anybody else?"

"I could go for another. Probably gonna need it to get through this ridiculous-" Dean started, but Sam scoffed as he took a seat next to Alice.

"You're gonna like it, Dean. It's pop culture trivia." Sam argued.

"Did she just-" Wendy was obviously as shocked as you were that you'd been so welcoming to the Alphas.

"What?" Sam asked.

"Well, she's just... usually a little more... uneasy around new people." Alice explained without explaining.

"Well, maybe she's just a good judge of character. I mean, these guys might be Alphas but look at 'em! They wouldn't hurt a fly." Wendy exclaimed.

You weren't sure about that assessment. You were obviously a poor judge of character or you wouldn't have an ex-fiancé. And those men... those Alphas who were sitting at your table as Wendy filled out the booklet with your team name, they were definitely dangerous, but they didn't feel like they were a danger to you.

Mark, the Beta behind the bar, smiled at you as you ordered yourself a fruity craft beer and ordered Dean a lager. "You good?" He asked, as he set the mugs down in front of you. You nodded. "They're cute. I mean, if I thought they batted my way, I'd-"

"I'm sure you would... and you never know 'til you try, Mark."

"Oh, come on. You know how straight guys are when they get hit on by another man... almost as violent as you are when you get hit on."

"Violent? I'm not violent. That would be most un-'mega-like." You smiled. Mark was good people. "I'll be back for more of these." You picked up the beers and headed back to the table. You set the lager down on the table in front of Dean and sat in your corner.

"So, what's the team name?" Sam asked.

"We change it every week. Keeps the Quizmaster on his toes. Last week, we were 'The Slaughterhouse Five', this week we're 'Pulp Friction'." You answered.

"I think my favorite was 'Take Off Your Pants and Jacket'." Wendy said, letting her eyes drop to Sam's lap.

Sam laughed, a bit uncomfortably, as Dean took a drink of his beer. "At least they got good beer here."

"Yeah, they do. I used to hate beer, 'til I started coming here." You said. Wendy, again, looked completely baffled that you were being social with the Alphas. "You're not into trivia?"

"Generally, I got more important things to do with my time, but we're at a lull and our motel is paid up for the night, so my brother thought trivia would be a good way to pass our time 'til we leave tomorrow."

"Well, it's a lot of fun. This is literally the only thing I do outside of my apartment, so it's fun enough to get a complete recluse to come out once a week." You said taking a drink of your own beer.

"I'm willing to give it a shot... and I'm glad that you left the house, sweetheart." He gave a quick wink that temporarily short-circuited your brain. You looked away and contemplated taking another one of your dangerous suppressant pills.

The Quizmaster started going down the rules. "Number one: No Cheating. Please put away your phones for the purposes of looking shit up. Facebook is fine. Number two: Six people to a team. If you have more than five other people with you, you are far too popular to be at Geeks Who Drink Trivia, break into two teams and reevaluate your life. Number three: No shouting out the answers. If you're right, you don't want the other teams to know, but you're probably wrong and you're definitely disrespectful, so keep your mouths shut. You will notice there is a jester in the corner of each page. You can circle that little dude once and that will double your points for that round so use it wisely... and away we go. Round One is called 'Recently In Stuff', it's our current events round."

The quiz moved by easily. You and your friends knew all the questions for the current events. Sam was really smart about history and geography questions, but you and Dean carried the team through round two: an audio round of songs about sex and subservience which included Britney Spears' Slave 4 U, Salt N Peppa's What A Man, The Velvet Underground's Venus In Furs, and Joan Jett's Fetish and made you blush like crazy no matter what you did to make it stop.

It dawned on you, as you got up to get another beer, that Fate was fucking with you again.

According to the tracking app on your phone, if you weren't on suppressants you'd be on the second day of a heat, two amazingly hot Alphas have been inserted into your life and the quiz is playing songs about sex and subservience because even the assholes at Geeks Who Drink corporate have to remind you that a 28 year old Omega is supposed to get on her hands and knees for an Alpha.

"You all right? You look a bit flushed." Mark asked, filling your glass back up. "That doesn't usually happen 'til your third beer."

"Fine. It's just... a little warm in here. Can you tap the thermostat for me?"

Mark gave you an uncertain look. "Honey, it's 70 degrees in here. You sure you're okay?"

You shook your head. "I don't know. I'm sure I'll be fine, though." You added at his worried look.

He handed the beer across the bar. "Hey. Take care of yourself."

"Always." You smiled at him, but you could tell that it was weak. You felt a bit terrible, if you were being honest with yourself. You were starting to get angry little cramps along your lower belly and your head was starting to pound. You were a little worried that it was a side effect of the suppressant; that you might be suffering from 'LOSS OF REPRODUCTING ORGAN'.

You sat in your corner with your beer as the Quizmaster read the standings. "In third, we have 'Suck it, Trebek'. In second, we have 'E=mcHammer', and in first place by just a few points, we have 'Pulp Friction'. Round six is titled '120 Days of Justine': a round about the Marquis de Sade."

You groaned. "Really? Really, Todd?!" You shouted across the bar at the Quizmaster.

"What?" Alice and Dean both asked.

Sam cleared his throat as you resolved not to explain your outburst, too focused on the stabbing pains going through you. "Marquis de Sade is where S&M gets its name from. He wrote some... provocative stuff."

"Understatement." You mumbled as you took a drink.

You knew every answer, quietly writing each into the booklet and avoiding looking at your friends. "How'd you know all that?" Dean asked as Alice took the answers up.

You groaned. His voice made your stomach hurt more. "There's this movie called 'Quills' with Geoffrey Rush as the Marquis. It was the first rated R movie I watched at 2am while my parents were asleep. It left a mark. God bless HBO." You were breathing heavily, and had to take a deep breath to slow your heart rate.

"Hey. Are you okay?" Wendy asked.

"No." You answered, honestly. "I think I'm sick."

"Yeah, you look like you've got a fever." Dean reached across the empty chair between you and pressed his hand to your cheek. A cramp tore through you as soon as your skin touched. Dean immediately pulled his hand away. "She's an Omega?"

Wendy rushed around the table, sitting in the empty chair between you and Dean. "You need some ibuprofen. You're burning up."

"I just need to go home. It's a bad reaction to those Brazilian suppressants, that's all." You moved to stand, but your legs were too weak. "It'll wear off." You assured her.

"Mark!" Wendy shouted at the bartender. "Call a cab for y/n!"

"She should go to a hospital." Sam suggested, seriously, as half of the bar turned to look at you.

"I really don't need all this fuss." You whispered, but you didn't actually mean it. The smell of the two Alphas had grown so overwhelming that you thought you might vomit and your mind was having a battle with your body because half of you wanted to get as far away from their scent as you could and the other half wanted to wrap it around you like a blanket.

"How long have you been on suppressants?" Dean asked, his voice tight.

"Since she presented." Alice answered for you, kneeling next to you. "Sweetie, what's happening?"

"She's in heat." Sam and Dean said, simultaneously.

"No. No, I've... I've been on suppressants for four years. I've only ever had one... My suppressants-"

"Don't work forever. Didn't anybody tell you that?" Dean growled, and it made you want to curl into a ball.

"We need to get her out of here." Sam demanded.

"Excuse me. You boys seem sweet and all, but she's in no condition to be around a couple Alphas she don't know. If you'll excuse me..." Mark leaned down and wrapped your arms around his neck. "Come on, honey. You've got an Uber on the way."

"And what if the Uber driver's an Alpha?" Alice asked.

"Someone should ride with her, make sure she gets home safe." Wendy said.

"Oh, fuck this." Dean growled, standing. He pointed to Mark, suddenly in 'Take Charge Alpha' mode. "You, get back behind the bar. You've got a job to do. You." He pointed to Wendy. "You're gonna come with me. We're taking y/n home."

"N-no." You whimpered. "You can't-"

"Shut up." He demanded and you immediately closed your mouth. He wrenched your hands from Mark's neck and moved them to his own. He dropped a set of keys to the table in front of his brother and grabbed your keys from the front pocket of your purse. "Grab her stuff, Wendy. Sammy, let me know how well we do in Final Jeopardy."

Dean pulled you away from the table and out into the parking lot. The hot humidity hit you like a brick wall but you shivered in response to it. "Which one's hers?" Dean asked Wendy.

"Grey Ford Focus." She pointed down the lane and Dean made a beeline. "What are you gonna do?"

"We're gonna take her home. You're gonna strip her down and put her in an ice bath and I'm gonna leave."

"Really?!" Dean turned to Wendy after he'd secured your seat belt and closed the passenger door of your car. She wilted a little under his gaze. "I just thought- she's, you know, an Omega in heat..."

"Look, I would love to fix this for her, I really would, but even I can tell she doesn't want some stranger coming in and breeding her. You don't take suppressants for years and avoid leaving your apartment if you want an Alpha. Also, my brother and I are leaving tomorrow, so..."

You could barely keep your eyes open as Wendy gave directions from the back of your car. You were in too much pain. You didn't understand. Suppressants were not supposed to dramatically fail all at once like this. They were supposed to taper off, become less efficient. There's supposed to be some sort of warning before your insides betray you. "God, it hurts."

"It's okay, sweetheart." Dean reached over and ran his fingers through your hair, which was wet with sweat. "We're gonna get you cooled down. You're gonna be just fine."

"Hnnn.... hate it." You whined, grabbing his hand and pulling it in front of your face so you could scent his wrist. Dean smelled amazing, better than any Alpha you'd ever met. Most Alphas seemed to smell like bad BO and mud, but Dean... Dean smelled like pine trees and good steak and vanilla and... sex. Dean smelled like sex. Warmth pooled between your legs at the smell.

He jerked as your tongue snaked between your lips to lick at his pulse point. "Hey, do not lick me, woman."

"Well, can you lick me, then?" You asked. You weren't sure where that question came from, you weren't sure why you'd licked him. He did taste so good, though.

"Wendy, control your girl." Dean demanded, pulling his hand away from you, reluctantly.

"Hey. Sweetie... we're almost home." Wendy put her hand on your shoulder and you groaned. "It's just up here on the right. Park in space 57."

You clung to Dean as he pulled you out of your car. "Put your feet down. Come on. You gotta walk, y/n." You tried, but your legs didn't want to cooperate. He took a deep breath and picked you up. "All right, fine, but you keep your hands to yourself." You nodded and nuzzled into his chest. He smelled so fucking good.

"She's not usually like this. She usually distances herself from Alphas." Wendy explained, walking into the elevator and pressing 5.

"Yeah, figured. That's why I'm trying to distance myself." Dean grunted out and somewhere in the back of your heat-rattled brain you realized he was breathing very shallow breaths, only through his mouth. Trying not to smell you. "She's only ever had one heat. Doesn't know how to keep herself from making a huge mistake."

"No, I mean, she's always been kind anti-Alpha. She didn't think she should have to be someone's just because she presented how she did. She usually fights when Alphas find out what she is."

"Yeah, cause she's usually on suppressants and has a clear head. Not like now. She should avoid Alphas. We're assholes."

"I just think... maybe she's having this kind of reaction for a reason. Like maybe her body knows it's time or maybe you're her true-"

"Shut it! Truemates ain't a thing... and as for her body: are you a doctor or a biologist?" Dean growled as the elevator dinged and the door opened.

"No, but my parents weren't Beta, Dean, so I'm not as ignorant at some." Wendy followed Dean as he carried you toward your apartment door. "And they were truemates. As soon as Dad saw Mom, he knew he had to have her. She was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen and she smelled like every good smell he had ever loved. Mom said she could scent him across the food court. They were mated with twins on the way before my mom was 20."

"That doesn't sound like true love. That sounds like your dad was a fuckin' knothead and decided she was his and used the Truemates Myth to make it seem like it was out of his control."

"Hey!"

"Whatever, Wendy. Open her door so I can drop her and get out of here." Dean said, shaking the keys at your friend.

"Don't go, Alpha." You whimpered, clutching his shirt and burying your face in the crook of his neck.

"Fuck." Dean breathed out. "No. Nope. Not doin' it. You're not thinkin' straight, y/n. You just need to go calm down, cool down and... wait for it to pass, sweetheart."

"Don't wanna. Want you, Dean. Want my Alpha." You started to kiss his neck. There weren't any thoughts in your head. You were just doing and saying exactly what your body told you to do and say.

"Bet you'd like that, huh? Pretty little Omega wants my knot?" He whispered as he walked through your door.

"Yes." You whispered into his neck.

"Yeah, you want that right now, but you'd hate yourself in the morning. I'd rather you hate me right now, sweetheart." Dean dropped you to your sofa and pried your hands off of his shirt. "Get her in a cold bath, take her to the hospital if her fever doesn't break, and text me with updates." Wendy nodded, expecting the Alpha to walk away, but he looked down at you, instead. "And she's gonna be dehydrated when she wakes up. Water and Gatorade, get her some protein bars if the suppressants don't kick back in. Grab her some pillows, make her comfortable, and turn the ceiling fan on."

"Okay."

Dean stared down at you for a few long seconds before taking two large steps backward toward the door. "Above all else, keep her safe. Comfortable and safe. Once she comes out the other side of this, she'll need that peace of mind."

"Okay."

~~~~

You woke up the next morning, on your couch, with what felt like the worst hangover you'd ever had. Your head was pounding, your skin sticky from sweat and your stomach felt like the aftermath of crunches day at the gym... and you were more thirsty than you could ever remember being.

Luckily, Wendy thought of that, setting out a large glass of water on the coffee table for you. Your loud gulps woke her from her sleep on the recliner across the room. "Hey. How you feelin'?"

"Like I did several keg stands last night. Wh-how'd we get here?" The night was fuzzy. You remembered the bar, spontaneously going into heat, but everything after was vague.

"Dean drove us."

Heat flooded your body at the mention of the Alpha, followed by mortification as you remembered the rest of the night. "Oh, my god. I can't believe I threw myself at him like that." You cried, covering your face with your hands.

"He was completely understanding, y/n, and a total gentleman. Any other Alpha, you'd have been knotted, but Dean took you home, made sure you were safe."

"Oh, great. So, I embarrassed myself in front of one of the only good Alphas I've ever met. Great." You took another drink of water and started to look around. "Where's my phone? I need to call Dr. Whitaker."

"Don't worry. I called the Omega Whisperer as soon as I was sure I wasn't gonna have to call an ambulance. She'll be here in..." She looked at her watch. "About thirty minutes."

"Ugh. Don't call her that. Whitaker went to med school. She's a doctor."

"Well, you heard Bravo is after her for a TV show about her practice, right? That's probably what they'll call it."

You shook your head. "Whatever. Just as long as she can tell me why the fuck my suppressants just stopped working last night."

"Maybe because your truemate was sitting two feet away?"

"Oh, come on!"

"Look at what he did to take care of you! He doesn't know you, but he wouldn't let us put you in a cab. He drove us here, ran down a list of ways to make this better for you, then demanded I text him with updates. Y/n, he feels the connection, just like you. Even if you're both denying it."

You rolled your eyes. "Let's just wait to hear what the doctor has to say."

Dr. Whitaker, however, nodded when Wendy brought up her theory. "Makes sense."

"I'm sorry, what?" You exclaimed. "Don't tell me you believe this 'truemates' shit, Doc."

"If by 'truemates' you mean the one or two people of opposite presentation whose pheromones work with your own and amplify each other, then yes, but it's not soulmates... it's science."

"Well, hear that? It's science."

You ignored Wendy's teasing and leaned forward. "Wait, could this pheromone boost have negated my suppressants?"

"Oh, totally. Even if you hadn't been on day two of your cycle, you probably would have gone into heat last night, suppressants be damned. The shot I gave you should work to shorten this heat for you, take the edge off." Dr. Whitaker shook the bottle of Brazilian suppressants as she stood. "I'm confiscating these. Not because they had anything to do with last night, but because they are dangerous and if you want to lose your ability to ever have pups, I'd rather set up a hysterectomy and do it right."

You looked down at your lap. "Now, if you want my advice, y/n, and I'm sure you'll just ignore me because have for as long as you've been my patient... when you've got a chance, text that Alpha. He's yours, and he's good. He respected you in a way that's rare... especially for an Alpha who wouldn't have to deal with the consequences since he was leaving."

"He gave me his number so that I could update him on your condition." Wendy offered. "Which I should do." She continued, pulling out her phone.

"Get to know him. Maybe you'll surprise yourself." Doctor Whitaker said, tossing the pills in her bag and zipping it up. "And just a reminder, this hermit lifestyle ends once you've got an Alpha. Another reminder, you haven't had sex in four years."

"Thanks, Doc." You said, sarcastically.

"I have your best interest in mind, y/n."

"Yeah. I know."

~~~~

Wendy insisted on giving you Dean's number, but you didn't use it. Dean and his brother didn't hide that they were transient. They said they spent weeks at a time on the road and when they were home, home was in Kansas. You'd seen The Wizard of Oz enough times to know that Kansas was no fun. You were certain you'd never see him again and once again determined nothing about your life was going to change.

If Fate had a face, you would punch it.

Part Two

[sanerontheinside]

political horror stories from the frankenAU

- because apparently now that’s a thing that I do

I’m going to preface this particular snippet with an explanation and strong warnings. This is part of a backstory for one of my OCs, who appears in the frankenAU, which I haven’t been particularly open on the details of. I don’t know how these snippets fit overall into the arc, but they occur in the same AU, so I’m posting this separately in several parts as I go. 

Alternatively, this part can be read as a standalone. Actually, I may even keep it that way, post the full form on ao3 later. 

Warnings for current snippet: discrimination against an LGBT character, politics that may strike close to home, manipulation. (Particularly for any followers who experienced the grand experiment of communism, but current events will sting enough.)

Alik raised her arms over her head and stretched, letting her spine click. It didn’t dispel the tightness below her shoulder blades, but it was better than nothing.

In the soft yellow light of her desk lamp, she eyed the blue digits on the chrono and snorted. Well past time for sleeping, but she was already long trapped in the pleasant hum of wakefulness, and craving caff again. Time is a lie, she thought, rising and sighing heavily. Certainly after her return from the neighbouring system, where she’d covered the famine that was beginning to affect their shipments, Time could say whatever it liked about its own progression. Alik’s mind and body were awake and that was that.

Careful not to wake the other few stragglers in their offices that night, Alik gingerly picked up her mug and slipped off her shoes, padded barefoot to the kitchen, and sealed the door behind her with a soft snick to set the kettle.

She could still hear her father’s voice in her head, though they hadn’t spoken a civil word to each other in a very long time – journalism is a thankless job, it never pays enough and no one wants the truth! Well, he was right, of course. Alik worked for one of the best papers in the capital city, but she’d just had the great honor of watching her latest report be quietly suppressed and shuffled down in the ranking.

Oh, it got the proper opening burst of viewership, and even now a few enterprising young souls were probably circulating the link on the HoloNet. It wasn’t news. It wasn’t interesting. The licks and hints and tantalising bites that the local correspondents had had dangled under their noses by a few of the high generals, though, those were interesting.

Alik ground back against a weary, frustrated sigh. They did this every year, or every few months, whenever things got boring. They’d dangle hints and nice little tidbits, but nothing would really come of it. She was almost convinced nobody even believed it anymore, this possibility of a military coup. People were so weary of the tense back-and-forth between the military and the Minister – who seemed to be a public favourite – that they’d relaxed, like an elastic band stretched too many times.

Then again, she thought, throwing the vidstream a crooked glance as she poured a generous measure of cream in her burnt bitter caff, now would be the perfect time to strike, at that. Their main trading partner was struggling with a governmental meltdown, and a number of the neighbouring planets they had dealings with were also showing signs of instability. Things hadn’t been this bad in years, maybe even decades.

Alik hummed softly to herself, pursing her lips at the vidstream in some concern.

3 months later:

“No, I’m trying to tell you –"Alik pressed the heel of her hand against her eye, where the headache was now a constant dull throb. “Maysun, listen to me: Lor assigned coverage of the protests to me. I was there, so was Gaspar. We’ve been arrested.”

The comm crackled. “Where are you?”

“The Intendant’s offices.”

“Why the Inten- you were in the Square?”

“Maysun,” Alik held back a sigh and swallowed her sarcasm, though she couldn’t quite take the edge out of her voice. “Yes, we were in the Square. They asked us to report on the protests in the city centre.”

“Alright. I’ll talk to our legal aid, see if they can get you out. Should I tell Edi?”

Alik snorted. “Has he asked where we are and what he’s paying us for?”

“Of course.”

Alik could hear Maysun’s smile, and it warmed her, just a little. “Then do tell him. He may be lucky, this time,” she added, eyeing the door apprehensively. “I don’t think the Intendant is particularly concerned with legalities.”

“What do you mean?”

The sharp thrum of worry in Maysun’s voice was also reassuring, but not quite enough to settle Alik’s stomach. “My friend, he hasn’t told us why we were arrested,” Alik said quietly. “We’ve been held here without questioning, and I haven’t seen Gaspar since they brought us into the building. This is not normal procedure.”

A beat of silence met her from the other end. Then, “I see.” Alik shivered at the schooled tone, held her breath through the long, unsettling pause. “We’ll do everything to get you out, Alik, I promise you,” Maysun said, far more gently.

“I remember what this means.”

“I know you do, Alik, but maybe it’s not come to that just yet. You only get one comm transmission, right?”

“Right. Five minutes.”

“Right. I see. Is there anyone you want me to call?”

Alik hesitated. “You said – you said it may not be that.”

“Nevertheless. Alik, your instincts have been right more often than not. Please. You’re the one who always tells me to prepare for the worst.”

Logical, that. Alik wanted to groan, wanted to drop her head onto crossed forearms. She’d long since lost all the family that would give half a damn about her, but maybe – “Tell Gaiane.”

“All right. No one else?”

Alik shrugged. “Well, you know. You can tell our lot. Gaiane will tell everyone I care for outside of work.”

“Good. I’ll start with Edi, then tell the others. He’ll be glad to take you off the books, so please come back.”

Alik laughed – a mirthless bark, but it left her feeling lighter. “Thank you, my friend.”

“Blessings, Alik. Hold on.”

The connection cut off. Alik dropped the comm to the table and looked up at the door, staring at it as though a determined, flat glare could show her the other side. The Intendant would come in, he would either apologise and let them go, and then that would be all, or she would be charged with disturbing the peace. Legal counsel would argue that she had been covering a nonviolent protest, and –

The door slid open. The Intendant strode in with a brisk, clipped step, not once looking her way, before he stopped at the edge of the table where she sat.

“Alek im-Norayr?”

Alik blinked up at him. “Alik, and it’s am-Norayr,” she corrected, with a strict emphasis.

The Intendant looked at her, a piercing, predatory gaze, and a sharp sweep from the crown of her head to her feet. “Quite so.” He stepped around her, behind her, passing far too close not to raise the hair on the nape of her neck. “Tell me, Alik – may I call you ‘Alik’? Or is there a more formal, complete form you would prefer?”

“‘Alik’ is the name I wish to be called,” she said firmly, back too straight, shoulders far too tense.

“Very well, Alik. What were you doing in the Square, six hours ago?”

“I will not speak without my company’s legal counsel present,” Alik replied steadily.

The Intendant smiled. “You are not here under arrest, Alik. No charges have been filed against you.”

Yet, her mind added ominously. “Yet I’ve been kept here for six hours, though I have not been charged with anything.”

“A bureaucratic error, I assure you,” he said, waving the issue out of the air like a passing nuisance. “I only have a few questions – I need to clear up a bit of confusion, compare testimonies of the protestors against other accounts. You work for – which company?”

“I work for the Daily Inquiry,” Alik answered levelly.

“The Daily Inquiry, very good – you’re one of their best correspondents. You know how important the facts are to us.”

Alik shrugged. “Then I see even less reason to ask a journalist.”

The Intendant chuckled amiably. “Ah, good, you’ve a fine sense of humour, Alik. You and I will get along very well, I think. Now: you were covering the protests?”

“My superior assigned coverage of the protest to me and Gaspar im-Suf-”

“Oh, yes, I know about your friend, Gaspar,” the Intendant interrupted lightly. “We have already spoken to him. He says you were responsible for the fighting that broke out in the crowd.”

Alik opened her mouth, then closed it again. No he didn’t, she thought, with a taste in her mouth like burnt metal. “The crowd was not violent, where we were -”

“My officers say it was violent,” the Intendant cut across her smoothly, and this time his voice was harder, cooler. “Are you calling them liars?”

Alik stared. Her mouth snapped shut.

“I thought not. Let’s try again. Your companion claims that you threw the first punch. Did you do this?”

Alik schooled her expression to pleasant blankness. “I am sure there has been a mistake. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to speak no further without legal counsel.”

“As is your right,” the Intendant nodded, agreeing. “But you know it will be held against you, of course.”

“But you say I have not been charged.” Alik dared a slight surprised widening of the eyes, an innocent blink.

The Intendant’s expression sharpened, and he looked up at her again, reevaluating his opponent. “Oh, come now, Alik. We know you started the riot.”

Oh gods, gods all. She knew this game. She knew it so well, she’d grown up with these stories braided into her hair, wound tight against her skull. She kept that knowledge out of her face, the fear that quaked within her trapped behind the mask of sudden blankness that slammed up over her expression. That was a tell like any other, she knew, but she didn’t care. She didn’t care, so long as it wasn’t her fear.

“You realise, of course, I don’t need to charge you with anything.”

Of course you don’t. “That would be illegal.” Not that anyone would care.

“There are certain – exceptions,” the Intendant smiled with his teeth alone, “for dealing with dangerous elements, enemies of the State.”

Right. Horrible-sounding laughter rang in her ears, a low voice of despair that had seen this coming, knew this was going to happen, it was only a matter of time, you chose journalism for this, didn’t you, Alik? She ignored it. “You know that will never hold in the courts. My company's lawyers –"

“Will not defend a traitor,” the Intendant cut in. “You have taken advantage of your position at the Daily Inquiry to corrupt the minds of the people with your fear mongering and your perversions of the truth. I’m sure they’ll even thank us for taking you off their hands,” he added with a twisted smirk, “after all, they have a responsibility to their readers.”

Now would be the time to show fear, Alik thought. Now would be the time to beg and scream and cry out, even though no one would come. More than anything else, though, she kept thinking that it didn’t make sense, that these threats hadn’t been made in decades. Of course they never died, but – why now?

Old methods of control and terror never died, and there was still no way to win against them. If anything, Alik should have known, from the moment they separated her from Gaspar, that she wasn’t going to walk out of here on her own two feet.

She wasn’t about to let the knowledge cow her.

The change in her – the acknowledgement of that finality – must have been evident. Her face smoothed, her voice dropped to a lower, more confident register. “You seem certain of these allegations,” Alik said, the tension in her body flowing out, replaced with readiness and an air of challenge.

“Are you going to deny them?” the Intendant asked, almost as though the spectacle before him were amusing.

“You don’t need a confession from an enemy of the State.” She must have looked weary, her eyes sliding aside to the dirty window and the dark wall. And the floor, she noticed, was dark. She wondered how scrupulously clean the Intendant kept his offices.

“No, I don’t. But it would make things so much easier for you.”

The corners of her mouth twitched in the very slightest of resigned smiles. No, not at all. Confessions are only meant to break you. To gauge how weak you are.

She turned her head back to him, and grinned – a wide, toothy, sickly grin.

You can’t have me yet.

*Note: yes, he deadnamed her. 

[holmquistewduckettwq53insur-blog]

How much should i be paying for car insurance?

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I m a 18 yr old male...driving a 94 Pontiac Firebird. How much should i be spending? appreciate the help. [ my GPA is 3.6 if that has anything 2 do with it]

[russellthornton]

Putting Too Much Effort into a Relationship: Where to Draw the Line

You might think there is no such thing as putting too much effort into a relationship. But sometimes too much effort can be worse than a lack of effort.

We are constantly told to put effort into a relationship. Relationships aren’t easy. They take work. They require patience and communication. As much as all of that is true, there is such a thing as putting too much effort into a relationship.

Yes, a successful relationship is not easy to have, but it should be worth the effort you are putting in. It should add to your life and your partner should be putting in an equal amount of effort.

What is putting too much effort into a relationship?

How do you know when you are crossing the line from putting a good amount of effort into a relationship into too much effort? Well, it depends on your relationship.

If you are surprising your partner with romantic dates and expensive gifts regularly, that might be totally normal for you. If that is what you are both comfortable with that’s great. But for other relationships, not only could that be overkill, but it can leave feels of resentment and your partner feeling spoiled.

The amount of effort you put in is about what you and your partner’s expectations are. [Read: Healthy relationship expectations to define a good love life]

Take a step back and look at the balance. Are you going out of your way for them all the time? Do you spend time with their family and friends? If they do the same for you, great, if not you may be putting too much effort into a relationship.

Are you putting too much effort into a relationship?

As I said, the amount of effort you are putting into a relationship is dependent on you and your partner. But, if you notice these things in your relationship, there is a good chance you could be putting too much effort in.

#1 You feel underappreciated. Sure, we all have days or times in our relationship where we don’t feel appreciated. Maybe your partner is super busy with a project at work or is stressed over something. But if your feelings of under-appreciation are lasting, it probably isn’t situational.

If you regularly feel like your partner doesn’t appreciate the effort you go to to make them happy in both big and small ways you could be putting too much effort into a relationship.

This doesn’t actually mean you’re doing something wrong. You could put that same amount of effort into a different relationship and feel greatly appreciated. What it depends on is how your partner views your effort. [Read: 15 rules to be a good partner in the relationship]

#2 The relationship is more work than reward. Just like everything in life, relationships have both good and bad. Sometimes you fight and disagree but other times you can’t stop laughing. But, if the bad outweighs the good, you could be putting too much effort into this relationship.

A relationship is hard work, but it should feel worth it. The effort of making compromises and being vulnerable should feel worth all the good times and happiness you get out of it. If it feels more like work than enjoyment it might be time to reevaluate. [Read: 15 signs of a healthy relationship you should always look for]

#3 Your needs are not being met. Let’s look at the relationship from a different side. You putting too much effort in is not just about what you do, but also about what you are getting in return. It may not sound like too much effort to care for your partner, support them, spend time with their family, and even financially support them.

But, if your needs are not being met, all those things you’re doing are too much effort by comparison. Even just making dinner for your partner could be too much effort if they don’t do anything for you.

#4 They expect you to fit into their life. If your partner has taken your effort for granted, they may begin to expect that effort from you regularly. It is fine to get used to being treated a certain way, but when they expect you to fit into their life and their schedule, you can begin to feel overworked.

Do you have to change plans to meet their needs? You only see their friends all the time? Do you go to their work events? Sure, relationships require compromise. If you are the only one compromising, it isn’t right. [Read: 16 discreet signs you’re always being taken for granted]

#5 You’re exhausted. If your relationship makes you feel more tired than work, that is a problem. Your relationship should inspire and energize you. We all have ruts, but if having a conversation with your partner makes you feel like it is time for a nap, you are putting in too much effort.

Spending time together and communicating should make things easier and make you feel better, not worse.

#6 They manipulate you. This is a hard one to eyeball. The whole idea behind manipulation is that you aren’t really aware of it, at least not until it is too late. If you find yourself questioning your actions after the fact or feeling persuaded to apologize when it wasn’t actually warranted, you are bending over backwards for a partner that isn’t worth it.

If you are putting too much effort in, your partner may take advantage of your caring and kind nature. They are not worthy of the effort you put in. [Read: 12 subtle signs you’re being manipulated by your lover]

#7 They don’t make time for you. This is the one I have a ton of experience with. I had a relationship where I convinced myself he was just busy so I texted first. If I asked to hang out he would make an excuse. If something “better” came along, he would flake.

But when it was convenient for him and he had no other plans he would expect me to drop everything to see him. When someone is deserving of your love and effort they make time for you, even when it isn’t convenient. [Read: Are you feeling trapped in your relationship?]

#8 You are carrying the responsibilities. Whether you live together or not, if the burden of bills, cleaning, and cooking lands all on you, you are putting too much effort into a relationship. Sure, you want to have a nice place, but as a partner, they should be willing to help out.

Do you buy the birthday card for your partner’s mom? Are you reminding them of your anniversary? Do you get their clothes dry-cleaned and make their appointments? A relationship should be shared, all the responsibilities should not fall on you.

#9 You make all the plans. Yes, I know, some people are just more spontaneous and aren’t planners, but you will notice if you are always making the plans. Whether you are the one always making reservations, researching vacations, or even texting about dinner, you are putting in more effort than your partner.

If they meet that effort by doing something for you, that is one thing, but if you are always asking their schedule, carving out time, and sorting things out, you put way too much effort into your relationship.

#10 You feel pressure. College exams make you feel stressed. A presentation at work puts pressure on you. Even meeting your partner’s parents is nerve-racking. But if you feel like you are under pressure to live up to your partner’s expectations of you, you are putting too much effort in.

A relationship should be your safe place. You should feel relaxed with this person. You need to have lazy days and be yourself completely and feel good about it. If you feel ashamed for being yourself in a relationship, you are putting too much pressure on yourself. [Read: Why double standards in a relationship are toxic]

How to stop putting too much effort into a relationship

You may have noticed some of these things in your relationship. If so, all hope is not lost.

You do not need to pull back on putting in effort. Most people who feel they are putting too much effort into a relationship aren’t actually. They are just not receiving the same amount of effort back.

To give your partner the benefit of the doubt, they may not realize you are feeling this way. They are not a mind reader, so let them know. Talk to your partner and let them know how you are feeling.[Read: 13 needy signs you’re too available for your partner]

Tell them you love spoiling them with dinner and spending time with their family, but you would feel more appreciated if they did more for you. Whether that be doing a load of laundry, taking out the trash, or just saying thank you, they won’t know what you want or need without you saying so.

Now, if they become defensive and say your feelings are just all in your head and they do appreciate all you do, they are likely manipulating you. A decent partner will apologize for not seeing this was how you felt. They will try to amend their behavior and make things more balanced.

Your partner’s reaction to your realization that you have been putting too much effort in tells you if you should try to create a balance or let them go and find someone more deserving of your kind nature.

[Read: 20 signs you’re wasting time in a one-sided relationship]

Putting too much effort into a relationship only becomes a problem if you aren’t receiving an equal level of effort back. This can be sorted out with a simple conversation, but if not, you deserve someone worthy of your love.

The post Putting Too Much Effort into a Relationship: Where to Draw the Line is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.