#i watched ‘close’ nd had some pain

[chrliekclly]

ummm first time becoming self conscious about the way you act with your best friend because of some middle school bullies :)

[sadslay]

- NEED YOU ⋆☆ 𝐚𝐛𝐛𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

warnings - inspired by, mentions of scars & blood, nsfw content, this is short im so sorry

the first time you saw abby was when her and her people came to the seattle claiming to be fireflies. you had only heard whispers about the group, but no more then a week later abby was sitting in your waiting room with a bloodied face and fists. when you called her in she sat down quietly with her hands gripping onto the bed. the first thing abbys eyes stared at was the scar sitting in the base of your neck.

“abigail right?” you asked, beginning to gather what supplies you needed to clean her cuts.

“just abby.” she corrected, watching you closely as you spun back around with some clean water and a rag.

you knew exactly what brought abby here. an hour or so earlier there was an altercation with one of the young soldiers and it resulted in them getting up on medical leave while abby only came out with a few cuts and some bloodied knuckles. although you didn’t know the exact reason as to why abby lashed out, you were able to put together the pieces. from what you had read on her file and what you had heard around the base, abby was a fifteen year old ex-firefly that had recently just lost her father. you knew what headspace abby was in right now and it was not something that could be ignored.

“how long have you been at the base for?” you asked, fully knowing she had been here for nine days.

abby sat in silence as you cleaned the sticky drying blood from her left eyebrow before quietly replying, “just over a week.”

once you had cleaned the blood you were able to see the small cut running through the end of her eyebrow. lucky for her, it didn’t need stitches only a bit of medical tape to prevent infection. the silence between you and abby was heavy but surprisingly not awkward.

as you taped up her eyebrow, she asked, “i don’t need stitches?”

you shook your hear as you grabbed a near by cloth to begin cleaning the cut on top of her cheek. “no.” you spoke softly. “but your cheek’ll need stitches.

the rest of her visit she didn’t talk. you told her that the stitches were not dissolvable so she would have to come in a weeks time to get them removed and at the end of it all, she quietly thanks you and left swiftly.

⋆☆

carefully removing her stitches with a pair of tweezers and surgical pliers, you put all your focus into making the whole process as pain free as possible. you had noticed abby fiddling with her hands, most likely to keep herself distracted, and you could feel her eyes lingering on the base of your neck. no doubt she was intrigued by your scar, just about everyone was, but abby was different. abby hadn't once asked about your scar or looked at it in a disgruntled or disgusted way, in fact she rarely looked at it, but when abby did, she looked at it with intrigue.

"did you pick a job yet?" you asked quietly, managing to pull her eyes away from your neck.

"no." she replied quietly. "the job i wanted was taken." she added, the disappointment in her voice was so clearly evident.

you removed the last stitch, allowing abby to take in a deep breath as you put your tools down on a near by table. "n'what job was that?" you questioned.

“anythin’ in medical.” she shrugged as you began to clean your station. you let out a soft chuckle as you peeled off your rubber gloves making abbys eyebrows furrow. “whats so funny?”

you weakly shrugged as you turned back to abby, subtly assessing her face to see if she needed a cover while it continued to heal. “just didn’t expect that from you.” you mumbled, beginning to gather a small amount of medical tape to cover the cut on her cheek. “thought you’d wanna be a solider.”

abby scoffed. “just cause i’ve gotten into a few fights?” she asked as a smirk began to ghost over her lips.

gently applying the medical tape to her - mostly - healed cut you tried your hardest not to smile. “well yeah, ‘nd from the looks of it you can throw a good punch.” abby grinned, clearly proud of herself. “i treated her ya know?”

“you put her medical leave?” abby asked, raising an eyebrow as she watched you closely while you began to pack up your station.

“god no.” you chuffed. “i’ve sent worse injuries back into the field, it was issac that put her on medical leave.” you explained, beginning to take off your green medical apron and hanging it on the back of your office door. “it’s ‘cause he realized that if she couldn’t handle a civilian then she shouldn’t be a solider.”

abby thought for a moment, eyeing you up and down as this was the first time she had seen you out of uniform. “he’s got a point.” she mumbled nonchalantly as she remained completely focused on you.

“i could put in a good word for you ya know?” you mumbled, leaving up against your desk. “he owes me a favour.” you added as a soft smirk began to creep onto your lips.

“you think i’d be a good solider?” abby asked, pushing herself away from the medical bed to stand opposite to you.

you nodded, brushing a strand of hair behind your ear. “i think if you got into gym and really trained you’d be one of our best.” you admitted. “then you get some good benefits around the base.” you added. abby folded her arms across her chest and thought for a moment. “maybe you can tag along with me one time.” you shyly suggested.

“i like the sound of that.”

⋆☆

as seasons passed you and abby grew incredibly close. first it started as weekly catch ups at the gym and the odd visit to your office after hours as she’d refuse to have her medical done by anyone else, and then it became more frequent. abby would stop by your office before she would get sent out to do a run for issac and any chance she got she would invite you to lunch in the food hall or even drop off lunch right to your office.

with all of abby’s attention you quickly become infatuated. abby had a way of making the simplest things give you butterflies. you quickly realized that your feelings towards abby were not just platonic and after years of fighting you had come to terms with the fact that you had fallen in love with her. so when she asked you to travel halfway across the country - on a limb that the man that you had only heard stories about- to hunt down the man had killed her father you had to go with her.

while the group had stopped in butte for a few days, you found yourself scavenging around the rundown motel when you overheard abby talking to owen. you stopped in your tracks, quietly listening as the pair hadn’t spoken in months.

“‘cause she’s fuckin’ useless.” owen muttered in a hushed whisper.

you heard abby let out a sigh causing your eyebrows to furrow. “we needed her hear incase we got into trouble. she’s a good nurse.”

were they talking about you?

“what about mel?” owen asked. “just cause you wanna fuck her-”

“watch it!” abby snapped. “i brought her along because your fucking girlfriend can barely do her fucking job.” abby quipped her voice was stern as she grew more frustrated at own. “i bought her along because shes fucking useful, no other fuckin’ reason.” she spat.

after that owen stormed off, walking out into the hall were you stood opposite to each other. he gave you a pathetic smile before walking straight past you. slowly you began to fill with frustration as you march towards the door own had just walked out of.

“you know if you wanted a fucking medic to come on this fucking scouting mission then i would have sent one of my students with you.” you snapped bitterly as you slammed the door behind you.

abby frowned as she realized you had heard her conversation with owen. “come on,” abby groaned. “you know i didn’t mean it like that.” she mumbled, looking down at you as she inched closer to you.

you rolled your eyes at the blonde, coming to your wits end with her as she had been distant from you for weeks. “how’d you mean it then?” you quipped.

“it means i like you dumbass.” she smirked, taking that final step to bring the two of you together.

scoffing at the idea you tried to step back, “if you like me so much, how come you’ve been avoiding me?” you asked, bumping into the door behind you.

abby smiled at your naivety as her arm rose, boxing you in against the wall. “because i can’t control myself around you anymore.” she spoke barely above a whisper.

chocking on your words only made abby’s smile grow. “shhh,” she coed. “i know you like me too baby.” abby hummed, her nonchalant cockiness about the whole situation made your cheeks flush pink.

“do not.” you tried to protest, even you could hear the bullshit making abby chuckle under her breath. “fuck off.” you spat, barely louder then a whisper.

“you really want me to go?” abby asked, her head dipping slightly to be at your eye level, only for you to avoid her eye contact all together. her hand parted from the wall before shortly reconnecting her hand with the the bottom of your chin. “look at me.”

only abby could make a demand sound so soft you thought. you hesitated for a moment, knowing what would happen if you did look at her, but you were weak at the knees and desperate for any attention from abby. your eyes finally met abby’s turning your stomach into knots.

“you really want me to leave baby?” she asked again, her breath kissing your ear.

looking up at her, you began to feel light headed as something you had dreamed about for months, maybe even years was finally beginning to come true.

“please don’t make me say it.” you shamefully whispered, as abby slowly combed a loose strand of hair behind your ear.

“oh baby.” she snickered, her soft seductive chuckle gave you goosebumps. “but i want to hear you say it.” abby smirked.

there was no point in fighting it anymore, abby knew you liked her, there was no more denying it. “i want you to stay.” you spoke ever so softly. abby grinned as you took in a shallow breath before continuing to whisper, “i want you.”

that was all the confirmation that abby needed, to hastily press her lips against yours. it was so messy and polarizing to anything you had ever experienced before. abby’s hands grabbed firmly onto your hips as she pulled you against her, her touch alone was enough to make your knees buckle. your hand grasped onto the base of abbys neck as you almost felt light headed. the whole experience was so euphoric but ethereal at the same time.

“so needy baby.” abby breathed into your neck almost making you audibly moan.

desperate for some friction, you pulled yourself even closer to abby. “shut up.” you breathed, barely able to have a coherent thought as you began to rub against her thigh.

abby let out a breathy chuckle as her hands dipped down to your thighs before hoisting you up to sit around her waist. her hands held onto your ass firmly, relentlessly squeezing as she slowly lowered herself to the ground. as she sat down with her back pressed up against the door your legs knelt on either side of hers.

her hands roamed up and under your thin singlet, scratching at your skin before her hands returned to your ass. you rolled your hips against hers making your core tighten as your hand snaked up her arms to her neck. you slowly pulled away, leaning in close to abbys ear as she continued kissing the soft spot of your neck. your breathing was heavy and everything that abby was going made you feel so, so good.

as you leant up against abbys ear, your finger tips scratching the back of her neck you whispered, “i need you.”

[angelpuns]

50Au Part 21

“ And he still hasn't moved?” 

“ Not yet. I…I didn't want to go in and have him run again,” Donnie murmured, tapping idly on the desk, “ I don't want to turn the camera off for the same reason, but this…it can't be good for him. I'm not sure if he's actually…there…or…” 

He let out a frustrated sound and rubbed his forehead, a headache growing behind his eyes. 

Leo had been sitting and staring at the camera for at least 6 hours now. Donnie didn't know what to do. If they went in and tried to bring him out of it, he might run. Not that he would get very far, but Donnie didn't want him to rip his stitches and panic further. 

Not to mention he seemed to react better to the  whole ‘strangers claiming they're your family’ thing when he didn't wake up in a panic. 

He texted Raph and Mikey as soon as he realized what was happening, Raph joining him in his lab minutes later. He guessed Raph was about in the same state as himself, probably unable to sleep. 

“...could you turn the TV on from in here? Maybe get his attention with the montage?” Raph suggested, pointing at it on the screen, “ he musta woke up ‘nd turned it off or something’” 

Donnie blinked. Right. That would have been the easiest solution. He suddenly felt so stupid, quickly wrenching open his desk drawer and rifling through it. 

“ Raphala, I officially name you as Family Co-Genius!” He pulled the remote out from the messy drawer and held it up, “ behold! The Plot Device!” ( aka a remote Donnie modded to turn off/on all the tvs in the lair for his own amusement ) 

He clicked the power button, the TV in Leo's room flicking on and bathing him in blue light. 

Leo jumped, pressing himself impossibly close to the wall as the TV flickered with static. The video started a moment later, Donnie watching tensely to see Leo’s reaction.

Leo brought his hand to his face and chewed at his nails, watching the TV with a faint frown. Ah, so he was doing that when they couldn't see. Donnie was going to make sure Mikey got onto him about it later. 

Much later, when all this curse business was over and it didn't feel like Leo would try and run at the first sign of aggression. 

“ I can't tell if its working…” Raph murmured, leaning closer to the screen, “ d'ya think it's makin’ it worse or..?” 

Donnie shut the camera off with a sigh.

“ I don't know, but we better get down there in case he tries to make a run for it,” Donnie murmured, “ I've got the tranq gun ready, but hopefully we won't have to use it,” 

He led the way down to the lobby, hands fiddling with his sleeves. He ran through the list. 

The lab was locked down, Leo's swords were hidden away proper, and he has the tranq gun. 

And unfortunately, Leo couldn't fight them in his current condition anyhow. 

Mikey stepped out of his room as Donnie stepped off of the last stair, yawning and heading to the kitchen. 

“ Morning! Did Leo-” 

Donnie shushed him and quickly covered his mouth, glancing towards Leo's room. 

It was quiet, only the soft mumble of his own voice on the TV coming out. 

Donnie slowly let go of Mikey, readying the gun. 

From inside Leo's room there was a bit of shuffling, and then the door slid open. 

Leo peeked out and gave them a shy wave. 

“ Um..hi?” His voice was rasping and weak, but he didn't sound like he was going to bolt at any second, “ any chance a guy can get some breakfast and a couple Tylenol ‘round here?”

Donnie hid the gun back in his hoodie pocket. Hopefully they wouldn't need it today. 

~~~

“ So you're going to have to go into my head?” Leo muttered around a spoonful of cereal, “ brothers or not, I don't think you all wanna see what's going on up there,” 

They had filled Leo in on the last couple of days. He seemed to believe them for the most part, not too surprised to hear about how he'd been injured. 

Donnie was a little shocked at how calm he was, really. Considering he'd spent half the night in and out of a panic and probably delirious with the pain. 

He did make a point to tell Leo about the camera, but promised that he would remove the red indicator light. There was no need it for anyway, since Donnie could track whether it was working from his lab. He even showed Leo the live feed from his bedroom, to which Leo had laughed and told him he was ‘ a huge fucking creep doe that’. 

Which. Fair. In Leo's eyes it was probably creepy as hell, but it was a necessity given the circumstances. 

“ Trust me, I'd rather not go into any of our heads ever again, especially due to the amount of trauma we've all gone through, “ Donnie huffed, finishing off his plan bagel with a final bite, “ but apparently it's necessary to make sure we ‘wash the correct memories’ - which is completely unscientific and sounds like a whole lot of magical bullshit if you ask me,” 

“ I told Barry what you told us, though, and he said it makes sense. Sometimes a curse needs to be broken and sometimes it just needs to be washed off,” Mikey offered, “ like a bad stain or something”

“As opposed to a good stain…?” Leo muttered, giving Mikey a skeptical look. 

Donnie sighed, “ the point is, we'll have to go into your memories once we get all the ingredients for the- the potion or whatever it is. As much as it pains me to say it, there is no medical or scientific way to fix this, because that would be far too easy,” 

He slid his tablet across the table to Leo, showing off the plan they'd been working on. It was more or less a ‘Leo Protocol’ until they could get the rest of the ingredients. 

He didn't include anything about the tracker or any codes they had put in place, just in case this was Leo acting again. If was getting harder to tell if he was just playing along or if he genuinely believed in them. 

“ We just need to make sure to that we keep you safe and not panicking until we can wash away the curse,” Donnie supplied, “not that telling you this is going to help for the coming days, but I figure being forthright with you will help today, at least” 

Leo shrugged, “I mean its not like I can get very far anyway. That Tiger guy totally fucked up my leg!” 

That was another thing. Donnie was still gathering data, and it appeared that Leo had memories of the previous days, but just…different. 

Like someone had gone in and erased everyone else out and left him alone. It sounded…incredibly sad, actually. 

But Donnie still wrote it down in the notes he'd been keeping. It was important to remember what Leo could and could not remember. That their memories, while still more correct than Leo's, weren't that far off from his. 

“ yes, well, I'd have liked you to sleep in the med bay and be on bed rest for at least w week, but as it stands that would probably freak you out,” Donnie shrugged, “ and the montage idea seems to be working out,” 

“ Oh yeah that was great. I really felt like Drew Barrymore in the waters of Alaska,” Leo grinned, “ Except way less cold. And probably less seasick.”

He finished his cereal with a sigh and pushed the bowl away, “ so, what's the plan for today Family? I’d love to go back to with town and give that Tiger a piece of my mind-”

“ yeah, no. You're not going anywhere. You've got a fucked up leg, a concussion that I still have yet to fully check on, literally less than 50% of your actual memories, and I'm fairly sure less than 5 hours of sleep,” Donnie listed, “ so you're going to stay here with Raph. Who also probably didn't get much sleep,” 

Raph scoffed at that, but didn't argue. So yes, he most definitely hadn't slept. 

“ and me and Mikey are going to get the rest of the ingredients with Barry. So you two play nice and Leo, don't even think about running away,” He said pointedly, standing and heading for the door. He and Mikey had to get an early start after all. 

----

Hopefully my Lil brother doesn't take me to court again for this ( long story ) but I don't really like this part. I just didn't really know where I was going with it at any point, but that's kind of the idea of this whole au, so I'm not too upset by it.

Also Raph and Leo bonding time! Yay! These guys need a nap.

Also Leo not talking about the whole ' 5 hour staring at a red dot' thing is 100% on purpose, he definitely said ' listen I'm already kind of freaking out so pls don't make me talk about it ' . he'll discuss it later tho :)

Part 1 | Part 20 | Part 22

[tteokdoroki]

no cus isagi being slightly crazy and saying the most absurd things to the men who approach you is like weirdly attractive…

૮ ͈>◡< ͈ა warnings — please read + mdni ! characters aged up to 20s, suggestive, sleazy men, manipulation kinda, threats of violence LMAOO, possessive + pro player!isagi, fem!reader.

god,, it’s so fucking hot…

the idea of isagi always protectively looming over you, always around and a little too close when a guy approaches you. you think it’s normal, that he’s just looking out for you because men can be assholes or gross but really he’s just as outlandish as all the rest — perhaps worse and it’s just never been directed at you.

you’ll be out in public, making googly eyes at a guy who’s ordered the same coffee as you, swearing on your life that you feel some sort of connection like it’s a meet cute or something. but isagi is possessive, telling you he’ll watch your stuff with his sweet smile and big innocent blue eyes when you head to the bathroom one moment and in the next he’s damn near snarling at the guy, saying stuff like “you look at her like that again, and i’ll shove this coffee so far down your throat that you’ll never know what it’s like to breathe again.” he’s so unwell, so unhinged but he can’t stand the thought of someone else having you the way he does.

when you’re out clubbing or celebrating a win with the blue lock team — they’re all probably teasing isagi about keeping an eye on you, wondering who he’ll stop you from going home with tonight and placing their bets on the poor soul that dares to touch you. and it’s not that isagi blames anyone, you’re beautiful and enchanting and the sway of your hips under colourful flashing lights is enough to make a man weak in the knees.

but he still has this innate need to shield you from other guys because you don’t know what they’re like and you need him to protect you. “your hands are a little too low, don’t you think?” isagi all but smiles after sneaking up on the guy you’re dancing with — nausea bubbling in the pit of his stomach from watching you grind on one another. “they fall an inch lower ‘nd i might have to rip them off, yeah?” he breathes out the threats like they’re air, and smiles like he’s said nothing wrong.

and when the poor guy slips away from you out of fear, isagi is quick to replace his warmth behind you. “you probably don’t wanna dance with dudes like that, they’re good for nothing, yanno?” he says softly when you spin around, soothing the flame of disappointment that licks at your heart. but you trust him, isagi has never lead you astray and has done all he can to protect your beating heart — he’s always been a little too good to you. “i don’t want you to get hurt.”

it’s fascinating how charming and kind isagi is around you, but when it comes to the men that show up to your doorstep with roses and good intentions — he becomes off putting, unpleasant and scary. he wouldn’t be able to count on one hand how many potential dates he’s had to tell to “fuck off.” or “back off.” before he threatens them with a whirlwind of pain and hospital bills.

though, all of it is worth it, for the way you curl into him and offer yoichi up the pieces of your precious broken heart, stroking his ego without even knowing ( you drunkenly tell him “i wish you would date me ‘ichi, you’re a good guy…” ). and he is, he’s good for you, perfect even — but nice guys don’t take advantage of girls that cry their hearts out.

he’ll wait a few more days to make you his, only then will all of isagi’s efforts have paid off.

[squintyeyedjoel]

Through Your Eyes | Part 3 - In the Blink of an Eye (Joel x Reader)

A/N: So this is the rest of what was chapter 2, but I broke it up to keep chapter 2 shorter, and good thing, too, because I ended up adding a lot more. 🤣 Also, I know in canon the garage is a separate building, and I have a plan for that, so bear with me, please.

I do not own The Last of Us or it’s characters. Sadly. But I carry them in my heart. Does that count for something? My soul says yes.

Warnings: Oooo, this one’s a doozy as well, but in a different way than the last one. So many things. (Let me know if I miss anything.) 😮‍💨 Some more original characters, lots of canon violence and swearing, (this one is a big one. Like a lot. There’s a hefty amount of swearing.) mention of attempted sexual assault without detail, Reader is a badass. We round it all out with obscene amounts of fluff and humor between it all, sweet moments, and just soft things. It’s me. I can’t not. No use of Y/N.

Word count: 13,464

Thank you to @fordo-kixed-rex for reading over this however many times it’s been now and fangirling over it when I was having my down moments. You’re the reason this still exists.

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Xxx

The next morning, your little band of six was up with the sun and making sure the horses were ready. Starting out with over fifteen, this smaller party felt like a speck of dust in the wind compared to the massive herd you were before.

Joel had introduced you to the remaining members, people he personally trusted, which from your brief time with him, you knew meant a lot. 

First was an older man named Jack, closer to Joel’s age with graying hair and a laugh that was infectious. He was a whisperer when it came to the horses. Well, any animal, really. You could have sworn you saw a butterfly land on his fingertip when no one was looking earlier this morning. 

He looked over both shoulders so slightly you almost missed it, but he did a double take when he caught your eye, a small smile spreading up one side of his face as you both watched the small winged creature take flight once again. Jack held his index finger it had been perched on up to his lips in a bid for your silence, to which you only pressed your lips firmly together and gave a single stilted nod to try not to draw attention toward either of you.

It didn’t work. 

“What’re you doing?” Joel asked from your right, drawing out the words skeptically to match the raise of his eyebrows in question. 

“Nothing,” you offered quickly, fastening your backpack closed and gathering the last of your gear before heading over toward your horse. Once your back was to him, you grimaced. That was much too fast to be convincing.

“Uh-huh. Sure,” he drawled sarcastically, mumbling something under his breath when you didn’t acknowledge him. Something along the lines of, “She ‘nd Ellie’ll be the death’f me.”

It was Jack’s whiskey that had helped Jane’s wound yesterday. He hadn’t hesitated offering his little hip flask out of a secret pocket on the inside of his jacket as soon as he saw the state she was in.

A man pulled you gently off to the side before you could make it over to Jane, Joel following quickly after you less than a step behind. 

You didn’t know his name, just that he seemed trustworthy, and slightly tortured. His eyes held a closed off level of pain you’d seen all too often since outbreak day, once or twice in your own reflection, and you knew not to judge how a man chose to fight his demons. 

So it was no surprise to you when he offered the stainless steel little demon chaser he obviously kept with him at all times, primed and ready. The liquid sloshed a little inside as he quickly tugged it from his hidden pocket. It was dented in a few places, worn and obviously loved. It had seen better days, but that was kind of the point…. It saw “better” days in order to help you see some better days yourself. 

Or to help you sleep through them. 

Whichever helped most.

It was the apocalypse. 

Who were you to judge?

“Take it,” the man said, holding it out, his hand shaking slightly as he gripped the lifeline with just the tips of his fingers in a hesitant extension. “She needs it more’n I do.”

“Y’sure?” Joel asked, as you eyed the tremble of the man’s fingers. “Withdrawal is no joke, Jack.”

The man who you now knew as Jack’s features curled up in some sort of shame, then determination. He bounced the flask slightly in a renewed offer toward the two of you, his extended hand more firm as he worked hard to calm the tremors. “Neither is being stabbed. What she’s going through is worse than a few uncomfortable nights for me. I’ll survive.” Try as he might, the flask started to vibrate slightly, and he looked down at it like it had betrayed him.

And in a way, you guessed it had.

Reaching out to gently cradle his hand in both of yours, the tremors seemed to still for a moment. Holding his gaze, you took the flask from his grasp, not missing the way his grip tightened just a little before releasing it. 

Withdrawing his hand back to his side after a delayed moment as if he had been shocked by some electric current, curling it into a tight fist and quickly stuffing it deep into his jacket pocket, Jack smiled brightly as he looked between the two of you. “Jus’ don’t shoot me when something crawls up my ass in a few days, Joel.”

“No promises,” the elder Miller grunted with a small grin, turning and ushering you toward Jane to make sure no one else interrupted you along the way.

Next was a younger man named Liam, who looked to be around Will’s age. Despite being new to patrols or going on runs and all they would entail, he was eager to learn and an excellent shot. 

Turns out he’d also come from Texas, though was much younger when everything had happened, probably only twelve or fourteen years old on outbreak day, so you assumed he and Joel hadn’t crossed paths until later, somewhere closer to Jackson. 

And you couldn’t help but feel like maybe Joel was playing a little bit of a favoritism card for his home state, allowing the much younger newbie to tag along with all the other more experienced travelers when he still had so much yet to learn. (You couldn’t blame him if he was. It was yours, too, after all.) 

It wasn’t until you heard Liam mention how his family had worked for Joel’s contracting company ‘once upon a time’ - to which Joel had walked past grumbling something resembling, ‘I ain’t that old’ - that things started making a little more sense.

Less of the home field advantage, and more of the home grown kind. 

It was becoming clear that Joel was a family man, although to be honest, that was obvious from the start. What you were coming to see was that family wasn’t all just blood. 

And that was a decision he made long before the apocalypse. 

That was just Joel Miller. 

That was his DNA. 

If you found yourself in his fold, you’d be okay. 

Taken care of. 

Even when the world went to shit and he ran into your kid thousands of miles away across the country when everyone was fighting against infected…. 

That boy would have a home.

You watched with a smile as Joel helped Liam adjust something on his rifle, then braced it on his shoulder and looked through the sights down the barrel with one eye squinted shut, before lowering the weapon and handing it back to the younger man. 

Liam copied Joel before pulling away only a step to meet the elder’s gaze, and they shared some quiet words. Some muttered joke drifted to you about old eyes before Joel lightly cuffed him along the back of the head with a smirk and a smartass as he turned to leave, Liam grinning with a chuckle as he turned and secured his rifle to the side of his mount.

With your own grin pulling up your features, you turned slowly and surveyed the rest of the group as you stroked your horse's mane. “I think we may just make it, old girl,” you mused quietly, turning a skeptical eye on your mare when she chuffed at you. Rolling your eyes, you looked back to the group, and mumbled under your breath, “If Joel were a horse…. You’d be it, darlin’.”

The last newcomer to you was a woman named Kate, about your age, and a walking encyclopedia of every living thing in the forest. What you could eat, what you couldn’t, what was medicinal, what was flammable…. Before the outbreak she had been a nurse, and her skills were invaluable to have around on an excursion like this. 

She had offered to help with Jane, but Will only let her supervise. No one could pull him away from the wounded seamstress. Under any other circumstance you would find it endearing, but at that particular moment, you found it anything but.

You tried to speak calmly, but the man was trying your last nerve. “Will, she knows what she’s doing. Let her help.”

He lifted his eyes to look at you from where he knelt on one knee on the other side of Jane, and you swore you saw tears brimming in them. If he blinked, you were pretty sure they would fall. But he hadn’t blinked as long as you’d been looking at him, which struck you like a bolt of lightning when you realized how long that had been. It was almost as if he was afraid to close his eyes. Like if he did, she would be gone when he opened them again…. Even if only for a second. 

“I’m not moving.” He pulled his gaze higher to meet the sympathetic face of Kate. “But she can supervise.”

You began to argue again, but Kate put a hand on your shoulder. “That’s fine. I can do that.” Her voice was soft and soothing. “Let me go grab my kit, and I’ll walk you through it, Will.”

He swallowed roughly and nodded once, not looking directly at her, his eyes falling back down to look at Jane who hadn’t woken up since she’d passed out at the raider camp.

“You’re lucky she’s unconscious, or else she’d be giving you an earful right now,” you sighed, letting your weight slump back onto your seat. Resting your forearms on your bent knees, you studied Will cautiously as your head lolled to the right with a tired huff.

“I’d gladly take that over this silence right now,” Will said so quietly, you almost missed it. He held one of her hands in his own, so fiercely and yet cradling it so delicately, you couldn’t even begin to hope to describe it should you have to. 

He maneuvered so her head was in his lap, and he peered down at her with a look you thought had died off on outbreak day. Something so tender, so soft, contented…. 

Come to think of it, you’d seen it on Joel a few times, usually when he was looking at Ellie, or Tommy, though the last was short lived. 

Occasionally when he would look down at his watch, though that fluctuated between pain and this sense of peace and contentment. 

Almost always when he was in his shop, tool in hand and project on the table.

And sometimes, when he thought you weren’t looking…. Like right now…. He had this look when he’d steal a glance at you.

Stealing your eyes over Will’s shoulder, you met the eyes of your current housemate, and instead of darting away like they usually did, he held your stare as he absently tended to his horse’s tack. 

“It’s weird to see her so quiet….”

Will’s soft words pulled you back to the matter at hand. And you could have sworn you saw Joel grin in your peripherals.

“You’re gonna wish you never said that,” Jane mumbled, groaning as she rolled her head to the side, her face screwed up in pain. “Once I start going, I don’t stop.”

You grinned. “It’s true. She doesn’t have an off button.”

Jane reached out and whacked your arm. “Be nice to me. I’m dying.”

“No, you’re not,” Will said around his broad grin, maneuvering her head off of him so he could get beside her for a better view. The smile he gave her then was nothing short of brilliant. “Not if I can help it.”

Speaking of….

“Joel? Where’s Will?”

He smirked with a gentle shake of his head. “Don’t worry ‘bout it.” Gripping the reins of his horse, he clicked the side of his mouth quietly as he got near the creature's head, stroking it softly with one hand as the horse nickered at him. 

You led your horse over toward him, reins pulled tight as the giant, powerful, dapple gray wonder named Delilah balked, digging into the earth and tossing her head side to side with a discontented snort. 

She’s as stubborn as he is. Fact, I’m pretty sure they planned this. Conspired and everything. 

“I plotted nothing with your horse,” Joel mused quietly, amusement heavy in his tone as you realized you said the last part out loud. “Only thing Delilah and I conspire ‘bout are sugar cubes n’apples.” He shrugged. “There’s the odd carrot talk here n’there, but….”

Joel sighed before you even really got moving, as if he were anticipating the whole thing. His head tossed back as he peered up at the sky as if to ask why.

Dropping the reins you closed the last few feet between you and Joel, arms coming to cross over your chest once you landed behind him. “Well, I’m gonna.”

Joel sighed again, resting his head against his horse’s, who let out a soft contented bray, before pulling back to look at you. “Will’s okay,” he said softly. “Now, leave it alone.”

“How do you know?” You swiveled to follow him as he walked over to gather your horse’s reins, shushing the large mare until she, too, was nickering at him, then he led her back over to you. 

Joel shrugged, pulling his face tight in amusement as he placed the horse’s tack back in your hands. “Jus’ do.”

“If you don’t tell me….”

He mounted his horse with a groan. “I patrol with the man. I just know his little quirks, okay?” Looking down at you from atop his mount, Joel’s expression was unreadable as his horse stepped back and forth, eager to get going. He reached out to pat the back of the large chestnut’s head, muttering calming words. “Shhhh…. Calm down, Old Beardy….”

“Your horse's name is-” 

“He’s not in trouble…. Yet,” Joel cut you off, sitting up abruptly, slightly wide eyed on the back of Old Beardy. “But if he keeps pesterin’ Jane like I think he’s wantin’ to,” his eyes narrowed in on you ever so slightly as he leaned back over his horses head to offer soothing circles of comfort on the side of his neck, “that could all change very quickly….” 

You scoffed, arms across your chest cinching tighter. “Really?” They rearranged to your hips as you leaned toward him with each word, most likely for emphasis, but you weren’t entirely sure. “Was that a not so subtle dig at me to stop pesterin’ you?” 

Joel shrugged, one shoulder going slightly higher than the other, as he sat back upright astride his horse and an amused grin started to pull up one cheek. “You said it. I didn’t.” With that, he nudged his horse forward, moving past you at a slow walk, and you could tell he was trying hard not to smile.

Xxx

Without Will here, the group traveled in relative silence. After a while, it became unbearable for you, and you steered your horse to sidle alongside Joel and his steed.

“Ellie told me Tommy was your patrol partner.”

Joel nodded. “Mmm-hmm. Usually is.”

You watched a butterfly fly in front of you, smirking as you glanced at Jack and found him already grinning in your direction. “So what changed?” You focused back on Joel and the road ahead.

Joel sighed, adjusting in his saddle. “He’s gonna be a daddy soon.” Your eyes bugged out of your head, making him chuckle. “Yeah, that’s ‘bout the same reaction I had.”

“Same reaction we all had,” Jack chimed in, making everyone laugh softly. 

“I dunno. Seems like he’d be a good dad,” Liam posed.

“What makes you say that?” Kate had turned in her saddle to face the youngest of the group, her eyebrows nearly in her hairline.

“It’s just a gut feeling.”

“A gut feeling,” Jack agreed distantly, staring straight ahead. “And by that you mean the thought of it makes your stomach turn.”

As Jack passed by on your right, you reached out and shoved his shoulder lightly.

“What?” The man protested, looking at you wide eyed. “It’s true! Ain’t no way the words Tommy Miller and Daddy ever came up together naturally….” Jack grimaced as he turned back to face forward again. “‘Least not in any way I care to think about.”

“Watch it,” Joel warned teasingly. “That’s my baby brother you’re talking about, asshole. He may be a stick in the mud and about as sharp as two spoons trying to pick up pudding-”

Your face twisted in confusion as Joel took a breath. “Um, spoons could easily pick up pudding. That’s not an insult. You must be tired.” Joel turned his glare on you, and you simply grinned around it, continuing on. “I think you were going more for something like spoons trying to cut through stone?”

The group all snickered behind you as the two of you simply stared at one another, amusement hiding deep in your expression while annoyance clearly painted his.

“I concur with Liam,” you agreed instead after a moment. Joel huffed and turned his gaze on the young man who only shrugged in response before he was looking back at you. 

“A Miller man an actual daddy,” you mused quietly, smiling softly as you stared straight ahead. “I don’t think the world could handle the awesomeness.” Looking back over at Joel, you expected to see him grinning at the playful banter, but instead he looked somewhat sad.

The same expression he had when he looked at his watch sometimes.

In fact, he glanced down to it now. It was brief, but you caught it.

It wasn’t the look Will had had with Jane. This was that sad, forlorn expression, like he was missing something. Like a piece of his soul was gone.

But as quickly as it came, it went. 

Without a glance your direction, he pulled his eyes up to the path ahead and squinted as the horses pulled into another clearing and sunlight shone directly on his face. 

“Yeah,” he finally gruffed, clearing his throat as he purposefully looked at the forest around him. “He’s gonna be great. Anyway….” He nudged his horse faster, seeming to head for the next pocket of tree cover a few yards away. But you weren’t that dense and could tell he was just trying to get away from the conversation, so you followed suit, falling into step beside him once again. 

Joel sighed almost imperceptibly when he heard your horse's footfalls lining up with his own once again. You could have sworn his eyes rolled slightly, too, now that they were not squinted in the shade of the tall trees. But he went on regardless. “Maria’s been sick a lot more the further the pregnancy’s gone, so…. Told him t’stay home.”

Nodding, you kept your gaze forward, allowing Joel a respite from prying eyes. This was all a tender subject, and you still didn’t know why, but you could respect that.  “Well, it looks like Will is a good one to take his place,” you mused quietly.

Glancing over, you saw how Joel’s expression brightened again, his eyes casting down to the ground like a bashful kid. “He’s alright.”

The group made it a decent ways, a handful of miles between all of you and the former bandit camp now that there were fewer of you, plus you didn’t have the cart to slow you down.

Even so, you still missed Jane and Will. They both added a quiet energy to the group even if they never said a word.

But they both always said plenty.

Joel had the group stop at an abandoned cabin on the very edge of the forest, letting the horses rest and grabbing a bite to eat from what was packed. Everyone was settled in and halfway through some sandwiches,  when suddenly you could hear muffled galloping through the cabin walls. It was approaching rapidly in the distance, back in the direction you had come from. 

The whole party sat up abruptly, food long forgotten as they reached for their firearms and listened closely.

“Everyone stay inside,” Joel mumbled quickly, striding over to the small fire in the cabin's hearth and setting his cup of water on the mantle, swapping it for his rifle already resting there, always within arms reach. 

Jack and Kate cocked their rifles, clicking them over to safety and resting them across their laps while they remained in their seats by the fire, watching Joel head out the door. Once the elder Miller had passed the threshold, the door softly latching shut behind him, Jack clicked his safety off. Kate arched a brow at him, and he shrugged.

“Better safe than sorry.”

Kate rolled her eyes. “And if it’s nothing? And you get jumpy? What then?”

Jack huffed quietly at her whispered admonishment. “I don’t get jumpy.”

Casting her eyes down to his still trembling hands pointedly, she pulled her eyes back up to meet his and arched a brow. “Maybe you don’t, but that leftover whiskey in your system sure does.”

Flipping his hand under the barrel over to grip the armrest of the chair in an attempt to stabilize himself, Jack glared at Kate, but quickly turned the glare down to his hand when the tremor instead began to rattle the loose wooden pegs holding the seat together.

“Point taken,” he grumbled, flicking the safety back on before sitting on his practically vibrating palms, his rifle braced across his thighs. After a moment he hurriedly grabbed the rifle and rested it against the stone fireplace in front of him, sitting back on his hands and adding a bouncing knee to the routine. He looked at Kate and shrugged. “It’s gotta work its way out somehow.”

Turning away from the two by the fire, you spotted Liam still asleep in one of the long abandoned bunks in the cabin corner, and you couldn’t blame him. An actual mattress that hadn't gone to hell was hard to come by. You smiled faintly after remembering how he had plopped in it within five seconds of entering the structure.

“Anyone wakes me sooner than morning, clickers are gonna be the least of your worries,” he said, flat on his back and eyes already closed, followed by a contented sigh as he melted into the slightly redeemable box spring.

The dust particles that had filled the air in a violent swirl when his back hit the mattress had finally begun to settle. They floated through the lazy sunbeams that danced through the remaining cabin windows, dirty as they were, reminding you of lazy weekend afternoons back before the outbreak.

A lawnmower going down the street.

Kids laughing in the cul de sac.

The smell of barbecue from somewhere nearby, or just a fire as people stood round to watch it for fun in their back yard with a drink in hand and relax.

Not to rely on it for warmth like now.

For food.

Usually outside and in silence for fear of what lurked just out of sight.

You hadn’t thought about these things in so long…. 

Since before moving to Jackson. 

Before Joel and Ellie….

Shaking your head, you shut your eyes to quit staring at the dust particles long enough to focus back on the matter at hand.

Liam. Hoofbeats. Focus.

Looking back at the peacefully sleeping young man, you grinned slightly. Shifting your weight side to side once, you sighed heavily through your nose.

Sorry, kid.

After absently adjusting the strap slung across your shoulders of the rifle you’d stolen from the raiders, tugging where it pulled tightly at the center of your chest, the weapon a heavy reminder at your back, you walked quietly over to him. 

Gently nudging his shoulder with your left hand, you then held the index finger of your right up to your mouth to indicate silence as he stirred and began to ask what was happening in a bleary voice.

Liam turned his head toward you, his face screwed up like you had a flashlight trained on his face in the darkest of nights. “Who dares to distur-” The hand rubbing one eye froze mid swipe, and he stared at you with the other eye that was still exposed.

Suddenly fully awake, his palm trailed up to rest on his forehead as he blinked a few times then looked wide eyed around the cabin and saw everyone with their weapon either in hand or at the ready. 

He sat up abruptly, his hand falling to his lap soundlessly as he continued to scooch closer to the edge of the mattress, miraculously avoiding every traitorous squeaky spring in the thing. 

Once at the edge, feet still propped up on the tiny cot, he reached down seamlessly into his open backpack resting on the floor against the foot of the cot closest to his head, and pulled out a machete, bringing it up to rest on the bed beside him as he gave you a single nod. 

It was a very Joel thing to do.

A snort of amusement pulled your attention back over your shoulder where you saw Jack looking on with a grin, nodding in approval. “Kid’s got the right idea,” he said just above a whisper.

“I learned from the best,” Liam mused around a grin.

“Yeah, Joel’s really been passing on some gems,” Kate said, looking slyly at Jack, and snorting in amusement when he turned a disapproving glare her way.

“The kid wasn’t talking about Joel,” he groused. “He’s my patrol partner, Kate. He meant me.”

“I actually meant Tommy.”

All three sets of eyes turned to Liam, before quiet snickers of laughter went around, the younger man beaming at the attention.

“Nah, I’m just joking.”

“We know,” Jack coughed softly, eyeing the door of the cabin when Joel still hadn’t returned, clearing his throat.

“I meant Ellie.”

This time the laughter was a bit louder and unrestrained, but still quiet. A thump on the cabin door was heard, then it swung open and Joel popped his head in. 

“Hush!” He hissed to the four of you, the continuous growing sound of approaching hooves filling the following silence of his deathly stare. “You four are louder than a horde!”

The cabin door shut silently, but it might as well have been slammed with the finality it gave. The four of you exchanged looks.

“‘Least we smell better than a horde, though.”

Jack’s off handed comment made the rest of you snicker quietly as you tried to follow Joel’s request.

“Speak for yourself,” Kate grumbled. “Most of us do, ‘nyway.”

Jack and Kate shared another little stare off as the tension of the impending approaching hoofbeats grew closer.

Meanwhile, Joel had slinked around the side of the cabin outside for a better vantage point before the newcomer on horseback could get any closer. You were able to track him through two of the cabin’s windows before you lost sight of him. If he stayed on the path you’d last seen him on, then he would have made it just behind a pile of firewood and out of sight when the rapidly approaching horse crested over the tiny hill and came into view. 

His footsteps were virtually silent, only the foliage crunching underfoot could give him away, and he was careful to not let it. Aside from one or two traitorous twigs that helped you all in the cabin follow his movements once he was past the windows, he was like a ghost. 

Suddenly his footsteps shuffled carelessly, every leaf and twig breaking under his weight and being kicked to the side with little to no effort to mask his steps as he slid to a stop at the same time you heard a second male voice.

It was familiar as it yelled, “Woah, woah,” overlapping the sound of a horse breathing heavily as the galloping came to a stop. Then a thud as someone hopped onto the ground from a height, you guessed from the back of the horse, the foliage underfoot crunching from the impact. 

You were so concentrated trying to place the familiar voice that had called out to the horse, you missed the pair of returning relaxed footsteps back toward the cabin. The low, muffled voices exchanged a murmured conversation you couldn’t quite make out even if you were paying attention. 

The cabin door suddenly swung open, and there stood Joel, a grumpy look on his features, followed by an amused looking Will. 

“Told ya he was fine,” Joel grumbled, holding your wide eyed gaze.

The other three members of the group let out a collective sigh, of what you assumed was relief, all of them stowing their weapons once again and settling back into the comfort and warmth that had been interrupted.

Will stayed outside to tend to his horse while Joel came back into the cabin, grumbling something about not signing up for this the whole way back to the fireplace. 

As Joel passed behind Jack, he pulled the chair the older man was seated in back, making his friend reach out to stabilize himself before looking up at Joel skeptically. “And you do smell like a horde. Go use the rain barrel out back and clean up, ya ass.”

“It’s the shakes,” Jack mumbled, staring at the floor in embarrassment as he got to his feet before heading for the door. “They make me sweat somethin’ fierce.”

“Then use this as ammunition to never let the whiskey get you this bad again, Jack.”

Pausing halfway to the door, the older man looked up to meet Joel’s piercing expression, the embarrassment on his own melting away into determination. The two men held each other's gaze for a moment before Jack nodded once and headed out the cabin door. 

“I’ll go with him. Make sure he’s okay.” Kate stood up, slinging her rifle across her shoulders and grabbing Jack’s from its spot still against the fireplace. “After everything, I’d prefer someone watch my back, too. Only fair I watch someone’sin return.”

Joel nodded and watched her follow after Jack. When the front door opened, you could see Will tending to his horse out front before it closed again and cut off the outside world. He, Jack and Kate traded muffled words before Will came inside, swiping his sweaty brow in the crook of his elbow with the sleeve of his outer flannel layer.

Once he got settled into the cabin, hogging a space by the fire despite a look from Joel as he adjusted to make room, and several pieces of beef jerky from the main stash despite you and Liam staring him down pointedly, an overly excited Will explained everything. 

Hold your horses I’m getting to it! How he rode all morning …. Can someone pass me some water? I think I swallowed a bug on the way here …. after sneaking out of Jackson …. Jerky has never tasted this good …. to try and catch up with the group once again after …. Man, whoever built this fire did a good job. It is hot! …. after Jane ‘threatened to maim him’ if he didn’t get ahold of her sewing machine. Shouldn’t be too difficult.

He had a starstruck look in his eyes the whole time, and you were pretty sure it was because he was living out his secret agent dreams by sneaking out of town and back to the group, but it was especially evident when he talked about Jane, making you smile. 

Does he realize he would have done it if she hadn’t even asked? 

He was wrapped around her finger already.

Kate and Jack had come back in by now and were in their seats by the fire once again, watching Will with bemused expressions. 

“We had to get out before dawn so the council wouldn’t put a stop to it. Things are crazy since we got back and those raiders wouldn’t say a word. Became freaking mimes.” Joel snorted in amusement. 

“Security was doubled instantly after we told them about the threats, so I had to pay off the south gate watchmen. By the way, Joel,” he turned toward the older man, “they get to choose their next three patrols.” He shrugged at the exasperated look from the elder Miller. “Was all they wanted. I told them they had to be done within the next three months or no deal, and they said fine.” Joel arched a brow.

Will took a deep breath, wincing slightly like he didn’t particularly want to relay this next part.

“Spit it out,” Joel growled, adjusting in his seat in front of the fire to face it, holding his hands out toward the flames.

“The council aren’t too happy that you didn’t come back with everyone.” He looked around the room. “Any of you.” Then back at Joel. “But especially you, since you’re partially in charge of security, n’all.”

“Well, ain’t that nice,” Joel mused quietly, the side of his mouth ticking up as he continued to stare at the fire. 

“They mentioned a disciplinary hearing once this is all sorted out.”

Everyone in the cabin groaned at the mention of more politics.

Everyone but Joel. He just grinned, rubbing his hands together in front of the flames. “Well, I think Ellie said it best….” He looked at you, then Will. “They can bite me.”

“Speaking of Ellie,” Will grabbed his backpack where it rested at his feet, pulled it into his lap and unzipped it, digging into its contents with purpose. “She was real worried ‘bout both of you when she heard what happened.” 

He looked up, his hand withdrawing from the bag and gesturing between you and Joel with his index finger, then went right back to rifling through the bag, making one side of your mouth pull up slightly at his antics. “So she sent these with me.” Pausing in his search, he shut his eyes in exasperation and tilted his head back toward the ceiling. “Don’t ask me how she knew I’d be leavin’, before you start yellin’, Joel,” Will disclaimed preemptively, his voice tired already as he focused back on the bag, returning it to the floor and withdrawing two items. “Girl’s got a mind of her own.” 

Will extended a hand to each of you, the one for Joel holding an old revolver that the man looked at fondly, his eyes softening as he took it from Will’s hand, and tucked it into the back of his pants. The younger man reached back into the bag and pulled out a bandolier lined with bullets for the gun that you’d seen Joel using his reloading press to make out in the garage a few times. 

Ammo could be hard to come by, depending on the caliber, so when Joel happened on some reloading equipment on a patrol, he’d been ecstatic. It didn’t matter that he’d thrown his back out trying to get the heavy gear home. Stubborn as he was, he made it work, he and his horse somehow tag teaming the equipment all the way back to Jackson from who knows where. He had not allowed Will to touch it the entire way back, some stupid childlike claim waging between them like finders keepers or something along those lines - you’d stopped listening with a roll of your eyes as they’d bickered the whole way into the garage with the equipment.

“Come on, Joel. I helped you get it here!” Will’s voice carried from the garage, his breathing heavy as he tugged the makeshift sled the equipment was on the last few feet over the threshold. 

“I said no! Now drop it,” Joel groused, the following silence after a loud clatter almost deafening.

“You said ‘drop it’,” Will said nonchalantly.

Joel’s hiss could be heard clearly all the way in the kitchen where you were doing dishes. “I meant the topic, not the tools….”

“Well, maybe I could think more clearly if I hadn’t just trekked thirty five miles with all that weight-”

“It wasn’t thirty-”

“Felt like it-”

“You’re acting like a child-”

“And you’re acting like a grouch-”

“Don’t test me, Will.”

“But grouch is nothing new for you, Joel.”

“Oh, just fuck off.”

“Make me.”

“Oh, I will….”

“Boys!” When you walked into the garage, the two of them were nose to nose, chests puffed up and about to bump into one another in a ridiculous display of strength. “Stop it. You’re both idiots.”

They both turned their heads to look at you.

“He thinks-” Joel started, overlapping Will’s “I didn’t-”

“What did I just say?” Your hands went to your hips in admonishment, brows knit together in an unimpressed glare.

Joel turned back to Will, a heavy puff of air passing through his nose before he smiled. “Fine. Finders keepers.”

Will scoffed in protest as Joel peeled off to start unloading the equipment.

“That’s not fair!”

“I said what I said. Now don’t touch my stuff, idiot.”

With a shake of your head, you left them to sort out their nonsense, letting the garage door close behind you and muffle their bickering as you headed back to the kitchen.

The night before you left, you’d seen Joel and Ellie out there together, working with the press as he taught her the basics of reloading. You wondered how many of those she’d made herself as you watched him take the bandolier delicately, holding it in both hands out in front of him like you would a newborn child. Practically cradling it.

The look in his eyes as he ran them up and down the lines of bullets, surveying each shiny casing, was much the same as that of a parent looking at their brand new precious offspring just after they’d entered this world. It was a look once adopted that never really left. Something a little precious, awestruck, filled with wonder and love, and a hell of a lot of pride.

You were ninety percent sure he was thinking about Ellie, and not the ammo, though.

Well, more like eighty percent.

Will cleared his throat to pull your attention back to him, jostling his hand still held out to you. 

“Sorry,” you mumbled, looking down at the offering. 

You saw your yellow fanny pack being extended to you, partly deflated and sagging as Ellie had obviously removed all your tools you wouldn’t need on the trip. 

When you took it from Will’s hand, an unexpected weight inside caught you off guard. Unzipping the main compartment once you’d clipped the belt around your waist, you pulled out a pocket knife you had seen Ellie flipping open and closed almost daily. 

She was never without it.

….Except now….

….Because she’d sent it with you. 

The room began to swim behind your unshed tears as they threatened to fall, but you blinked them away rapidly. This wasn’t the time for that. Nor was it the time for that thing catching in your chest as you traced the tip of your index finger over the worn housing of the blade. 

After a moment, you looked up at Joel, and saw the surprise on his face before his eyes pulled up from the familiar pocket knife to meet yours, something like fondness taking over his features as they softened. “That’s her most prized possession.”

“Besides the garage,” you shot back, trying to speak around the emotions building up in your throat, clearing it in an attempt to rid yourself of them. A wet chuckle took their place as you held his gaze, your grip tightening around the pocket knife protectively.

Joel snorted, shaking his head gently as he looked back down to the bandolier. “Don’t start.” He slipped the ammo belt over his shoulders and across his chest, adjusting it minutely like a man would a tie on Easter morning. 

It struck you for a moment how much life had changed since outbreak day. Men used to adjust their ties and now they adjusted their weapons.

These were thoughts for another day.

Setting the knife back in the main compartment of your pack, you dug out the rock Joel had given you to rest against your black eye from your jacket pocket, and really looked at it for the first time since he had given it to you. 

It was smooth, almost perfectly round, yet flat enough to hold in the palm of your hand easily. A rich dark gray, almost black with white streaks running through one part of it that made it look slightly off kilter. As it caught the firelight, the white streaks glimmered slightly. They were some sort of crystal, barely the width of a sharpened pencil, yet still they decided to shine. 

You wanted to be like that rock. Solid and steadfast, it knew what it was, until sometime when it was forming, something else came along to meld with it and left a mark, a scar, a blemish, and yet…. It was still beautiful.

Glancing up, you saw Joel already watching you curiously, his brow raised in amusement. Unable to hold his gaze, you shook your head slightly before looking back down to the bag, and tucked the rock in the main compartment right beside the pocket knife like you’d meant to do before you’d gotten distracted. 

The sound of the teeth stitching closed as you zipped the bag shut once again acted as an anchor to your wayward mind. 

“I’ll protect it with my life.” Looking back up, you caught Joel’s eye, and something unreadable passed across his face, his gaze fluttering down to the bag, then back up to meet your own, before turning to Will as they started in on another topic.

Holding out a hand to halt the conversation, eyes shut tight in confusion, you stopped them. “Wait, wait, wait.” 

Ignoring Will’s exasperated sigh, you forged on. Opening your eyes, you peered at him with furrowed brows as you lifted only your index finger, gesturing to your left a few times. “Back up.” 

He lifted his eyebrows at you in question. Bobbing your finger slightly as you continued for emphasis, you arched your own brows curiously. “‘We’?”

Faintly, in the distance the same direction Will had come from, you heard a wagon wheel squeak as it rolled closer toward the cabin. 

After only a moment of exchanged looks in hesitation, Will refusing to give away anything, you all piled outside to see who the newcomer was. Just cresting over the little hill before the cabin came a horse with a rider moving at a casual pace, the cart from before that had taken Jane and the raiders back to Jackson being pulled along behind them. 

Everyone smiled while Joel groaned and cradled his head in his hand when it was clear it was pulled by none other than Tommy.

“You guys have all the fun without me,” the younger Miller yelled good-naturedly.

Joel groaned a bit louder, starting toward the cart with determination. “Raiders n’infected’ll hear us comin’ a mile away with that wheel. What’d you do?”

Tommy scoffed. “First your hinges, now this? Why d’you always assume it’s me?”

Once Jack, Liam, and Kate saw who was atop the cart, and that he and Joel were quickly slipping into their usual ways, the three of them wandered back into the cabin, shaking their heads and rolling their eyes as the two men continued to bicker.

Will, however, stuck around for the show. He was a firm supporter of Miller Entertainment. So long as there was something to see, he’d be there.

Oblivious to the reactions of the others, Joel continued towards his brother, taking the reins of the horse he was atop as Tommy hopped off. “Because it is always you.” He handed the reins back to Tommy as he went to inspect the wheel quickly before they both returned to the now dwindling group. 

“Well, you’re fucking welcome, y’old fucker,” Tommy grumbled teasingly. “This wasn’t my idea, anyway.”

You smirked. “Jane got to you, too, huh?”

He looked at you with wide eyes. “That woman is frightening.”

You and Will laughed, as Tommy looked between you with the same, wide eyed look of fear.

After a quiet moment filled with your dying laughter and Joel’s grumbling as he glared at the wheel, Tommy turned back to his brother. “I just want you t’be happy, Joel.”

Knelt beside the wagon wheel, inspecting it up close now that they were beside the cabin, Joel didn’t even spare his brother a glance. “Then leave me alone, you ass.”

Tommy unhooked the horse, and you led it over beside Will’s where the two men started taking the gear off of them to rest for the evening.

After a long moment of messing with the wheel, Joel turned his head up to Tommy from his perch on the ground, wide eyed. “Who’s watchin’ Ellie?!”

Tommy looked down at his older brother, hands on his hips, unphased.  “Herself.”

With a shake of his head, Joel got to his feet and paced in a small circle with his hands on his hips. The two Miller’s looked like carbon copies of each other, and it made you grin. “They’re all doomed. All‘f Jackson….” He rounded on his brother, both of them squaring off with hands on their hips and a stern, stony expression. “What were y’thinkin’?”

You laughed. “You may not have your garage to yourself when we get back, Joel. She may take matters into her own hands.”

After turning his hard glare on you, he turned back to the wheel, wrestling with it for a moment and finally yanking out a small twig caught up in the mechanism, before standing back up and dusting off his hands with a dry, tight grin. “For everyone’s sake, she better fuckin’ not.” He nodded to Tommy. “‘specially him.”

“Why me?” Tommy scoffed.

“You’re th’idiot that left a teenager unattended in my house,” he groused.

“There’s not much she can-”

Joel just leveled a glare on him. “‘member when y’threw that party when mom ‘n dad were out of town, and I was watchin’ you?”

Tommy huffed. “That was so long ago, Joel, and she’s way different ‘n I was. She ain’t the social butterfly like me,” Joel snorted, “anyway, it’s Jackson in th’middle’f a goddamn apocalypse. What the hell is she gonna do that’d be so awful?”

They shared a look, something unsaid that had Tommy’s expression shifting to some sort of understanding. He softly amended, “I’m sure she’s fine, Joel.” He clapped a hand on his brother’s shoulder. “She’s stayin’ with Maria, anyway.” Tommy grinned at Joel’s groan. “I’m not entirely useless, big brother. I thought’f all that. Maria’ll make sure she gets t’school n’eats n’bathes….” That understanding passed over his face again, turning it to something soft, along with his tone. “She’ll be a normal kid, it’ll be fine.”

Tommy’s tone took on a teasing nature. “Besides,” he smirked. “That girl offered t’take my patrol shift for a week if I told you she was on her own.”

Joel’s eyes went wide as he stared at his brother, the shit eating grin on Tommy’s face only growing wider.

“My guess is for that very reaction.” He pointed at Joel, wagging his finger gently. “But of course I said like hell. She ain’t goin’ on patrol. No fuckin’ way.”

Joel visibly relaxed, his eyes closing in relief before they flew open and back on his brother with a skeptical brow raised. Waiting. 

“So instead,” Tommy went on, smile only broadening, “she offered t’take my shift muckin’ out the stalls in the stable for a week. Somethin’ ‘bout ‘it’s all shits and giggles, but now instead it’s shits for giggles’…. I don’t know. Half the time when she speaks it’s like another language.” He was grinning like a fool by now. “Reminds me of….” That same look of understanding passed between him and Joel again, only this time something heavier seemed to carry underneath. His voice softened. “She’s a good kid, Joel.”

As they sat in their shared moment, you decided after a minute to break the silence. “Too bad you didn’t tell him, then,” you said, crossing your arms over your chest. 

Tommy turned to you. “What d’you mean?”

You couldn’t help the smirk. “I didn’t hear anything ‘bout her bein’ on her own.” You turned to Joel. “Did you?”

He was grinning softly. “I didn’t hear nothin’. What ‘bout you, Will?”

Looking over at Will, you saw him grin like a cat with a canary. “Not a peep.”

Tommy sighed. “You bastards.”

“Takes one t’know one, ya idiot,” Joel hummed under his breath, turning toward the tack for the horses that had been set on the wagon to move it under the makeshift barn that had been set up for the evening.

“You’re so mean,” Tommy groused half heartedly as Joel passed by, pouting his lip out in an attempt to garner sympathy from his big brother who just turned to him and wrinkled his nose up at him in disgust. The younger Miller mimicked the face and lightly shoved the shoulder of his older brother, causing him to stumble sideways.

“Boys!” You called out, grinning when they snapped their heads your way in unison. “You’re how old again?” Turning toward the cabin, you called over your shoulder toward the men, “I’m just sayin’…. But just for shits and giggles….”

“Ah, shaddup,” Tommy called over the laughter of the other two.

The rest of the party had just stepped out of the cabin to see what all the fuss was about, when suddenly there was a very high pitched yet muffled sneeze from behind you.

Knitting your brows, you turned to Kate who had just walked past. “Bless you?”

She looked just as confused. “That…. Wasn’t me.”

You turned to Joel. Only making it as far as to open your mouth and take in a breath before he cut you off.

“Ha ha, very funny, darlin’. Wasn’t me.”

Another attempted assasination of a sneeze sounded from the back of the cart under a tarp, and all eyes went to it, staring in disbelief. 

Liam was the first to break the silence after a long moment. “Did that tarp just sneeze?”

A very quiet and muffled, “Ow,” came next, and you’d know that voice anywhere, no matter how squeaky it currently was. 

Your feet were moving before your brain was fully processing what you were doing, carrying you toward the cart. 

Jack was quick to chime in behind you, with an entirely necessary, “Did that tarp just talk?!”

A second female voice, this one much younger and sarcastic came from under the tarp, dry and droll, “Nice going, blondie.”

Joel’s eyes went wide. They pulled up to meet yours where you now stood on the opposite side of the cart.

He moved so fast, you could have sworn he had super speed. He was on top of the wagon wheel and ripping the tarp back to reveal your stowaways before you could even blink. 

To be fair, you were only half a second behind him, ripping the tarp off the rest of the way from the other side.

In the dying light of the day, Jane and Ellie blinked up at the two pairs of eyes peering down at them from around the edge of the cart, looking justifiably sheepish at the attention. Five more sets of eyes appeared slowly, trickling in as they realized what was going on, only adding to the squirming of the two stowaways.

You were the first to break the silent little stare off. Holding the gaze of your friend, you hissed quietly, “What are you doing here?! You just got stabbed! Are you crazy?!”

Jane wasted no time in coming to her own defense. “I told you!” She tried to sit up quickly, and hissed when her wound protested at the movement. Before you could even reach out to offer help, Ellie was quick to help her sit up fully, putting Jane’s arm over her shoulder to ease her into the right position slowly. She spoke through a grimace, “I want that sewing machine, and I’m gonna get it!” Her eyes opened fully, her voice strong. “Come hell or high water.”

After you let out a strangled puff of air through your nose in aggravation, hand still held out to help coming back to land on the edge of the cart with a smack, all eyes turned to the teenager beside her.

Ellie merely shrugged, Jane’s arm still over her shoulder rising and falling with the movement. “I’m just here for the show.”

Xxx

Your small party sat outside around a campfire, milling about as the evening wore on, tending to the horses and other menial things before everyone was set to take off in the morning.

Will would not leave Jane’s side. He was her human crutch. Literally. He helped her hobble around, and from the look on her face, she was about to shove him to the ground and run, damn whatever happened to her wound.

He was a sweet boy, but a girl needed to pee in peace, stab wound or not.

“Are you going to chew my food for me, too?” She snapped as he broke a piece of beef jerky down into smaller pieces for her to eat. 

He just stared at her for a moment, frozen.

“I’m injured, not broken.”

Will nodded after a long pause, looking down to the jerky in his hands as they rested in his lap. “You’re right. I’m sorry. This is just really tough stuff and I didn’t want you to hurt yourself trying to rip it apart.”

Jane sighed. “No, I’m sorry.” She rested a hand on his shoulder. “I appreciate all the help, I really do. I’m just a really independent person, and this…. All this needing help…. is driving me nuts.” Her hand fell down to rest on his. “Maybe we can compromise?”

He looked up and met her eyes with his own, smiling broadly. “I’d like that.”

Jane nodded once. “First things first,” she popped a bite sized piece of jerky in her mouth from the pile in his hand. “I get to pee without an escort.”

“But what if-”

“Will, I swear to God, don’t make me-”

“Fine! Fine, fine,” he held his hands up by his head in surrender, jerky flying every which way as he forgot he was holding it. He peered at it on the floor in disgust. “Oops?”

Jane had a sour expression on her face, her nose wrinkled up. “That’s yours now. Mmmm…. Floor jerky. Yum.”

You’d tried to return the pocket knife to Ellie now that she was back, but she wasn’t having it.

“Since you’re here, go ahead and take this….” Unzipping the main compartment of the fanny pack, you extended the pocket knife she’d gifted to you toward her. 

Ellie lifted a hand, shaking it as she took a step back. “No. I don’t need it.”

Cocking your head to the side in question, you bent your elbow but kept your hand out, letting the pocket knife rest in your palm between the two of you. “You need something to protec-”

The teen pulled out a machete from a belt along her hips you hadn’t noticed before. Holding it sideways, she tilted the blade side to side, letting it catch the dying light of the day and the errant twinkle of firelight. “Liam already hooked me up. I’m good.”

You snorted. “But this is yours-”

“And now it’s yours,” she countered. “….for now.” Her cheeks flamed pink. “I want that back.” A look of determination came over her features as she jut out her chin to look down her nose at you. “So you better not die, Miss Fanny.”

Grinning, you tucked the knife back into your pack. “I’ll do my best, Sparky. I’ll do my best.”

Ellie grimaced. “Sparky?”

Zipping up your fanny pack, you looked up at her through your lashes. “It’s what you remind me of.” Once the knife was secure again, you lifted your head to look at her fully. “A spitfire.”

Her grimace deepened. “But Sparky? That’s like what you name a dog or something…. Or elderly men like Joel.”

Joel, who was only a few feet away tending to the fire sighed heavily, obviously listening in, before he chuckled lowly.

“Then what do you suggest?” Your arms came up to cross over your chest, weight shifting to rest on one leg as your hip popped out to the side.

“I dunno….” She looked at Joel. “He’s The Contractor,” she said it in a ridiculous voice, making you giggle, “so can’t I be something cool like that? Like, I don’t know…. The Lumberjack…. The Carpenter….”

“You have to do all those things to get those names, smartass,” Joel chimed in, not even bothering to turn around and face the conversation.

Ellie stuck her tongue out at him.

“The Artist….” You offered, smiling when you saw the lightbulb go off behind her eyes. Nodding once, your grin grew when her own started up her face. “The Artist it is…. Sparky.”

You couldn’t help but laugh at the sour look her face instantly took on.

Tommy leaned back in his spot beside Joel with a loud groan, a mischievous grin starting up his face. “I just call it like it is. She’s Trouble.”

Ellie gasped, whipping her head over to look at him as her arms came to cross over her chest defensively. “And after I didn’t lump you into old man Joel territory over there.” She gestured to the elder Miller with a bob of her head before setting her sights squarely on the younger sibling once again.

Tommy shrugged demurely.

She glared at him, the ferocity of her expression causing you to chuckle softly as Joel let out a low whistle. “You’re dead to me, old man.”

It had dwindled down to just the two Miller’s, Ellie, and yourself. Everyone else was inside the cabin, tucked in and tightened down for the night.

“Come first light, we need to get out of here,” Joel mumbled as he leaned over at the waist, poking the fire with a long stick to rearrange the logs that had turned to coals before adding a few new fresh ones. He turned his head to peer over at you, then set his gaze squarely on the redheaded teen who sat across from the two of you, palms extended toward the fiery heat and her eyes studiously on the flames. 

“The council isn’t gonna take long to put two ‘n two together, and I want as much distance ‘tween us when they actually do so we can just get this damn thing over with.” 

Rising to his full height with a quiet groan, he didn’t even seem to register Ellie slapping her palm to her forehead and rocking her head back and forth in disbelief as he glanced down at you where you sat against a log to his left, his face twisted slightly in trepidation. “…. I didn’t mean-”

“No, I agree,” you nodded once, pulling your eyes from staring at the fire to look at Ellie in amusement before lifting them all the way up to meet his with a small smile. “Bleeding heart Miller over here probably got the town on red alert.” Bobbing your head to gesture across the flames where Tommy leaned against another fallen log beside Ellie, you grinned at Joel’s haggard sigh as he took his brother in. 

Ellie turned to look at the older man with a disapproving scowl, one side of her upper lip curling back as her eyes swept him from head to toe. You could see every Joel mannerism she had picked up on as she surveyed the younger Miller, and it took everything in you not to comment on it.

Turning back to the subject at hand, you tilted your head to the side as you took in the sleeping giant. 

Tommy’s legs were outstretched with one crossed over the other easily at the ankle, hands clasped loosely in his lap, and head tilted back as snores that grew with each attempt tumbled out of his lips.

“Not to mention they’ll raise the alarm when they notice Ellie and Jane’re missin’, too,” you added, watching Tommy begin to mutter softly in his sleep. You tried not to let Ellie’s wide eyes that snapped to you affect you from going on, not able to bring yourself to meet them. “Not to mention Will.” You looked up at Joel as you spoke softly, his own gaze meeting yours. “Tommy’s one thing. All four of ‘em?” You shook your head as your gaze fell back to land on Tommy. “All four of ‘em’s gonna set off all kinds of bells.”

“Not to mention a missin’ cart,” Joel grumbled, turning toward Tommy with a scowl that made the corner of your mouth tug up just slightly. You noticed in your peripherals it had Ellie grinning, too. “Which requires a horse….” He tugged off his gloves from tending the fire and tucked them into his back pocket with unneeded aggression, shaking his head. “Stealin’ all kinds ‘f’things, aren’t we, little brother?”

Joel sighed yet again, this one quieter and more to himself than anything, before taking a step over towards his sibling and kicking the bottom of his shoe with the toe of his boot. As Tommy sat up abruptly with a snort, making Ellie choke back a laugh, Joel eased to the ground beside you with a groan he tried to hide behind tightly closed lips. “Get up, mighty warrior. Get inside with the others. I’ll take first watch.”

“Wasn’t asleep,” Tommy mumbled dejectedly, rubbing his eye with the palm of his hand.

Ellie scoffed. “Dude, you sounded like a buzzsaw ate a bear. You were totally one hundred percent snoring.” She got to her feet, brushing off the front of her pants, then the seat. 

“You were sawing logs, cart thief. Now get.” Joel jerked his head backwards toward the cabin. “‘nd keep an eye on Trouble here.”

Ellie glared at Joel, but quickly turned her attention onto Tommy, helping him to his feet. “Come on, Uncle Tommy.”

“Told you not t’call me that, weirdo,” Tommy grumbled, blinking too many times against the firelight as his eyes still adjusted to being awake.

The teen threaded her arm through his and helped to stabilize him, starting toward the cabin. “That goes both ways, asshat.”

“Y’know what? You’re rude,” Tommy mused, pulling away just enough to look down his nose at Ellie.

“And you’re old. Now come on, cart thief.” She started to pull him back toward the cabin, looking over her shoulder and winking at you. She looked at Joel and offered a small salute before facing back forward and giving the man a tug that sent him stumbling forward slightly. “Beddy bye is just a mere few steps away.”

Tommy mumbled something nearly unintelligible, but you thought you caught the name Sarah, not missing the way Joel stiffened at the word, staring into the fire in front of him, and Ellie looking back at the two of you over her shoulder with a somewhat panicked expression.

The teen focused on Joel for a long moment, her features pulling into something sad, then determined as she looked at Tommy and finally yanked him toward the cabin, pulling him along by his ear until they were safely inside.

As Tommy slowly got to his feet and ambled toward the cabin with Ellie, you smiled, always enjoying their banter. They obviously loved each other despite how they bickered. 

And whatever this Sarah talk was, clearly it was something important, but it didn’t feel like the right time to ask about it yet. Maybe someday.

Joel glanced down at his watch briefly and cleared his throat before tugging the sleeve of his jacket down to cover it. Once the material was over the broken dial, he placed his palm over the shattered face through the fabric and rubbed it gently back and forth for a moment, staring at the flames before softly shaking his head as if coming out of a fog. He lifted his hand off the watch and set it on his thigh, his fingers gripping his flesh a little too tight and dimpling the denim under his touch.

It was then you made the connection that Sarah had to do with the watch. Somehow. And you knew that had to do with home. Texas. Back on outbreak day. The thing he missed the most.

You didn’t like where this was going.

Catching Joel’s eye, you leaned back into the log once again. “Mind if I join you?”

He just blinked for a long moment, making you grin and settle back into the log even further, letting your head loll back slightly. “Let me clarify. Mind if I stay?”

Simply shaking his head after a minute, Joel turned back to the fire after staring at you for a beat too long. “Don’t mind.” He was mumbling. “You’ll probably be bored silly, but so’ll I, so, I guess that makes me selfish.”

You snorted a laugh. “No, no. It makes you human.” Turning to the flames, you felt a different heat on the side of your face as you noticed his eyes on you again out of the corner of your field of view. He stared for a moment too long to be deemed just a friendly curiosity before Joel cleared his throat, looking down at his boots before his gaze quickly pulled right back up to you, painting your skin in varying shades of heat as you felt his eyes trace over your features once again. 

Something about that heat was much preferable to the little pile of coals inches from the tips of your shoes. Much more comforting, too, considering where your mind kept wandering to. “Can’t quite get to a place my mind’ll let me sleep, anyway. Not after everything….”

He nodded in understanding, and you saw his face turn back towards the embers after a last lingering moment of taking you in. The trail he had traced on your skin with just a look still felt warm and pleasant, but now began to cool under the loss of his attention. You found yourself angling slightly to lean just a bit closer to him to try and make up for it, catch just a wave of body heat. It wasn’t working.

“How’d y’learn all that?” When you arched a brow at him in question, Joel pointed back toward where everything had happened with the raider scumbag, and the general direction of Jackson.

Turning your eyes from him to the fire, you stared at the flames as they crackled. “I don’t want t’talk about it.”

“That’s fine,” he drawled softly, lowering his hand. A moment passed before an even quieter, “But that don’t come from nothin’.” He jerked his head toward the direction this time. “We’ve all got our demons. Hell, I’ve got too many t’count.” He turned back to the fire as you turned to look at him again. “N’most’ve us’ve killed our fair share. That’s just life now-”

“No,” you interrupted him, focusing back on the heat of the flames and away from the fire in his eyes as they landed on you once again. “That I’ve never done.” You waited a moment before adding a quiet, “Least not yet.”

A memory, sparkly and worn, something you’d viewed time and time again as it haunted your every quiet moment, awake or in the dead of night began to tiptoe behind your eyes. 

A voice you’d rather forget drifted to the front of your mind, clearer than anything else, as if it were right in front of you yet again.

“This is just how things work now.” 

Night seemed to be its favorite, though; when your defenses were at their lowest. It’d come slinking in like a thief, ready to steal your sleep, your sanity, your time…. 

The rest of a phantom conversation began to play in the theater of your mind, unbidden and loud, consuming anything else in front of you in favor of its wicked games once again on repeat.

“I said no.” Your voice was weaker than you ever wanted it to be as you struggled against hands that had always been helpful, but now they only sought to keep you still. Angry tears threatened to crack your resolve with every word.

The next thing you knew his gun was out of its holster and in your hand aimed at his stomach. How it got there, you still didn’t know. It must have jumped. 

Telekinesis. 

Something. 

It’s the only thing that makes sense. Because the alternative is that you grabbed it voluntarily, and that was a road you were not willing to travel down.

A sneer of disbelief colored his face as he held his hands up in surrender, looked down to the gun, then to you, eyes narrowing as he chuckled softly in amusement. 

“You wouldn’t.” 

He moved toward you, whether to move the gun or move you, you didn’t know. 

You’ve analyzed it over and over again for years, and this is the point where it always goes black, blissfully giving you a respite from the rest of the gory details. 

The echo of the hammer on the revolver cocking back in prime to shoot echoed in your mind then just as much as it did now. You remembered how the sound filled you with a grim satisfaction, a smirk crawling up your face now that was too terrified to even try then.

Blissful darkness continued to fill the next moments as you were lost in the memory, absently staring at the fire in silence, until a resounding phantom gunshot echoed around the walls inside your head when Joel said your name, making you jump.

When he said it again, the concern swelling in his voice made your breath stutter. 

Blinking the darkness away, you saw the fire once again come into focus in front of you, and out of your peripherals, Joel leaning forward beside you, tilting his head to the side in question as he tried to catch your eye. His features were drawn cautiously.

Pulling your knees up closer to your chest as a chill ran down your spine that was from anything but being cold, you gave him a sideways look before turning back to the flames. “I’m fine.” You wrapped your arms around your legs to hold them tightly to yourself.

“Y’look it,” he teased.

Cutting your eyes his way, you found Joel smirking slightly at you, but his eyes still held concern as they studied your face, then made a run up and down the length of you, pausing on your hands briefly.

That’s when you realize you’d clenched them into fists so tight, you had indentations from your nails on your palm when you released them. With a sigh, you turned your stare back to the fire. “I’m fine, Joel.” Repeating the words didn’t help for some reason, so you continued on. “I…. I’ve never killed anyone, but….” Tilting your head back and pulling your knees tighter to your chest, you looked up at the stars. “I’ve come damn close once‘r’twice. Too close.”

“You don’t have t’talk abou-”

“The first person I lived next to in a QZ,” you started, smiling gently at his attempt to give you space on the topic. “He didn’t like the…. What did y’call it? Smelly noise?”

Joel scoffed in amusement, meeting your gaze as you lowered your eyes back onto him before staring toward the fire again absently.

“Came over after about a week t’tell me so, and I guess somethin’ in the way I said hello sounded like an invitation-”

The man stiffened beside you. “Y’know that’s not-”

Reaching out, you rested your hand on his forearm. “I’m kidding, Joel. I know I didn’t do anything, the man was just a pig.” You looked at him. “But thank you, though.” Turning back to the fire to find the words again, you took a deep breath. “Long story short, he tried somethin’, told me it was just the times we live in now, so I grabbed the gun he was wearin’ and threatened to teach him how no means no.”

A snort of laughter left Joel along with a gentle shake of his head as he too stared at the flames, giving you the space to finish your story.

“He didn’t think I would do it.” You went silent. The next time you spoke, even you could barely hear your own voice. “I probably should’ve. He went on t’do it to many others after me. Joined FEDRA. Should’ve seen that one comin’.” Clearing your throat, you shook your head and went on, voice a little stronger. “I shot him in the foot. Well, first I fired a warning shot to the side. He made some stupid comment about how he likes them crazy and lunged so I….” You made a finger gun with your left hand, pointed at Joel’s foot to your right, and imitated a shooting sound. “He gave me so many nicknames after that. So colorful. You crazy bitch, and-”

“I think I can paint a pretty clear picture, no need t’go on,” Joel said softly. His voice was gruff, not towards you, but the situation you’d found yourself in and the man with no name. 

You nodded. “He’s why I left. After he joined FEDRA, he made my life hell. Made sure I got less ration cards, blacklisted me, caused all sorts’f problems. So I used what I had left t’pay someone to smuggle me out’f the QZ.”

“Nothing’s happened out here?”

“You mean outside the QZ?” He nodded. “No. I mean besides some infected, but I don’t count them. They’re technically already dead; it's just the fungus at that point. If we’re splittin’ hairs.” Looking out at the tree line, you sighed forlornly. “I used t’love mushrooms.”

After a second of silence, Joel burst out laughing, a low gravelly sound rumbling from deep in his chest. It vibrated you from your spot next to him, your very bones seeming to resonate with him. He was under your skin, and that made you smile. 

“Y’know,” he started after a minute. “I just heard ‘bout the most Texan come out’f your mouth in the last five minutes than the whole time I’ve known you.”

“The most….?”

“‘I’ve come damn close once‘r’twice,’” he mimicked your words from earlier, emphasizing you’re lackadaisical grammar. 

“Pfffft,” you blew out a huff at him. “Did not,” you countered, pushing his shoulder slightly.

“You’re slippin’” he teased with a grin, watching the flames.

His smile was contagious. “I’m just comfortable, is all. Comfortable and tired.”

“Oh good gracious, there it is again.” He looked at you mischievously. “Tired.” He drawled the word ridiculously now.

You narrowed your eyes at him. “I do know how to shoot a gun, Joel.”

He nodded once in understanding. “Yes, ma’am.” Quickly turning his eyes back to the fire, he glanced back up at you only once briefly, the side of his mouth twitching up before his eyes fell back down to the wall of heat.

As you sat around the campfire, it had dwindled down to just the two of you. You watched him as the firelight reflected in his eyes, a small smile continuing to pull up his face as he stared into the flames.

“What?” He asked after a minute, pulling only his eyes up toward you, his head still angled down. “I got somethin’ on my face?”

You snorted. “Besides your age, which you wear brilliantly, by the way? No.”

“Ouch,” he chuckled. “Thank you? ….I think?”

Grinning, you leaned your shoulder into his before sitting back upright. “You’re welcome.” Despite having sat back how you had been, the sides of your arms now brushed one another’s, and neither of you made an effort to move. 

“So.”

He finally turned his head to fully look at you. “Yeah?”

“Why are you so opposed to Ellie moving into the garage?”

He sighed, glancing over his shoulder toward the cabin before looking out across the small camp toward the tree line. “Ugh, not you, too.”

“Is there something you’re worried about, or is it just…. Puttin’ your foot down?”

Joel heaved another sigh, eyes darting back and forth along the trees as he stared at them absently. “It’s…. I don’t know.” He paused, letting out a breath before taking another deep one as he started again. “We…. We went on a really, uh, tough trip together to get here. To Jackson, I mean. All the way from Boston. It’s been a rough road for her.”

“For the both of you, it seems,” you offered quietly. He looked at you and you shrugged. “You traveled together. If it was hard for her, it was for you, too. That’s just how it goes.”

“Yeah, I….” He looked at the flames. “I guess so.” He smiled softly before it faded. “I guess I just don’t want her that far from me.” He looked down at his hands, fiddling with his fingers, the tips of them dancing along the band of his watch before he closed his hand around the worn fabric. “Not yet.”

“It’s five extra steps, Joel.”

“I can keep an eye on her better down the hall.”

“You walked across the country together, a few more steps won’t break you.”

“You don’t know that,” he objected quickly, somewhat defensively, meeting your eyes again with his own as a dry chuckle painted the last of his words.

Smiling softly, you leaned further into his side slowly as you looked into the dwindling flames. “No, you’re right. I don’t.” He began to relax, his shoulders rolling forward as his weight slightly melted into you, staring at the flames once again himself. “But I’d like to think I’ve come to know you.” 

Joel froze, his body tense once again as he listened to you go on.

Looking up at him through your lashes, you saw the firelight dancing across his face, sending him into all kinds of shadows. It could have been a trick of the light, but he looked almost nervous? His eyes were definitely apprehensive, and once you noticed that, you lowered your gaze down to his lap where his hand was once again digging into the fabric of his jeans.

“I don’t know what or who happened to you, and I’m not asking for details, that’s up to you. What I am saying is….” reaching up and across, you rested your left hand on his left forearm where it continued to press into yours with each deeper breath either of you dared to take. A small smile worked its way up your features as you saw his hand relax and unclench against the denim, his palm coming to rest on your knee instead. “You’re on a supply run for a teenaged girl to get paint. And to me?” 

You turned just enough to catch his eye, finding his gaze already on you. When you realized that, you had to really think to remember what you wanted to say, swallowing roughly to remember how words worked as your eyes flicked between his own, your voice now something incredibly soft. “To me that paints a beautiful picture.”

Joel scoffed, his eyes studying your face for a long moment before he turned back to the fire that was now mostly coals, and started laughing. The sound started quiet but grew with each new round until it was a truly ruckus thing. “That…. was truly awful. And you say my puns are bad.”

You grinned as you sat back upright, pulling your knees tighter to your chest so you could rest your chin on them. He kept his palm on your leg, letting it ride just a bit above your knee and squeezed. “I have a bad influence. My roommates? Awful. All the time. Horrible, horrible puns.”

“Oh, really?” He arched a brow at you, giving your leg still in his grip a small teasing shake.

With a sigh, you tilted your head to the side to rest on the backs of your hands on your knees, studying him and trying to keep the damn smile off your face. “Yeah, they think they are so funny, but it’s really sad.”

He tilted his head back, looking down his nose at you in amusement. “Well, maybe you should teach them a thing or two.”

You grinned. It was inevitable. “Yeah. Maybe I will.”

Xxx

Tags to come!

[blankiebloo]

I'll try.

I do realize that I have some things I'm already working on, but this popped into my head and felt a little bit more important to me-

Characters: Childe x Gn!Reader, Venti x Gn!Reader

Warnings: Mentions of depression, cutting, slight mention of a eating disorder

Venti

You two used to hang around each other almost everyday, but recently, he's noticed that you've started to hang around people less and less. He's noticed all of the changes in your behavior: he's noticed that on your days off, you don't seek anyone out anymore, you're actually not seen at all. And when you are around, you look skinnier than before like you haven't been eating; and your eyes are all red too.

He caught you leaving your house on one of your days off for the first time in a while, he was so happy that you left your house that he followed you, he followed you all the way to Starsnatch Cliff and watched as you sat down close to the edge..too close to the edge.

"You know, it isn't safe sitting that close to the edge," he spoke, finally making himself known as he stepped closer to you. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say that you sat that close on purpose.." his voice was quiet and somber unlike his normal cheery tone.

You turned your head to the side as you watched him sit next to you. He looked at the sky in front of you, his gaze soft and worried. He didn't need you to tell him what was wrong, and he figured that you didn't wish to speak by how quiet you were.

He turned his gaze to your stiff and saddened expression, you looked so tired. "Do you wish to talk to me, my friend? I know I'm no professional but, I'm sure it's better to finally get your feelings out there instead of bottling them up, hm?" He tilted his head, waiting for you to speak or not.

You nodded and looked in front of you, gazing at the horizon but also gazing somewhere far away, some place no one could touch. You opened your mouth, and the words that you spoke instantly made Venti's heart drop, "Venti, I don't want to live anymore." Your expression was so cold and unbothered, it was like what you said was something so normal, something everyone says.

"[Name], what-" he reached out and touched your shoulder only to pull his hand back when you hissed in pain at the touch. "[Name]. Could you show me your shoulder."

His voice sounded so serious, you looked at him and your eyes started to tear up, your lip quivered as you started crying. "Venti, I-I can't do this anymore! It's getting so hard now, I don't want to live like this anymore!" You hid your face in your hands as you continued to sob.

His gaze softened as he continued to look at you, he reached out and pulled you into him and caressed your head. "Live like what?"

"Live how I am!" You yelled into his blouse, grabbing onto it. "I don't want to live hoping that tomorrow will be better only for it to be the same! I want to be happy and be able to calm myself down when I panic, not cut myself to calm down! It gets so hard to continue on living just for the sake of living, what's the point of living if I'm just going to die in the end?"

Venti's heart sank as he held you closer to himself, "[Name], I may not know everything about you and everything that happens in your life, but I promise you, that your life is worth every breathe I have."

His hug got tighter, but it didn’t hurt; you moved your face to look at his and he was already staring at you. "You deserve to live a life full of happiness, [Name]. Promise me that you'll live, promise me that you'll try?"

Tears started to fall faster as you nodded and buried your face into his chest again, sobbing your emotions out as you tried your best to stable yourself.

"I'll try, Venti. I'll try to do it."

He smiled as he kissed the top of your head. The wind had started to pick up as he sat there with you in his arms, slowly swaying back 'nd forth, he need not play any music to calm you down, for the winds played the song of his heart, and it sang out to you, begging for you to hear it and give your life a chance.

You two sat in silence except for your sniffling. You felt him squeeze your arm twice before he says, "I'd still really like to see your shoulders though, [Name]. I need to make sure those cuts don't get infected."

"Alright." You sit up and loosen your shirt a bit so he can check your shoulders, and as he does so you continue to look up and watch as the sun sets, focusing back on that place you see somewhere far away where nobody else can go.

Childe

Usually when you two spar, he'd barely hold back, but you weren't really sparring back with him. You were more like, slowly dogging and practically hitting him very lightly.

"Comrade, are you okay? You don't really seem to be in the sparring mood today," he stopped fighting as soon as he spoke, not wanting you to get distracted and get hurt.

It's like that question just broke you, and you started crying and sniffling. Childe rushed up to you worried, "Hey, hey, it's okay, whats wrong?" He asked as he pulled you into a hug.

"Childe, I...I want you to kill me."

His eyes widened and he pulled away and stared at you, concern, shock, confusion, it was all over his face as he started to question you fairly loud, "Kill you?! Why would I kill you?! Comrade, whats wrong? Why would you ever ask me to do that?"

You started to sob as your fist hit his chest, "Why won't you?! Why won't you just end my suffering already?! You were so willing to before when you mistook me for the traveler! Why not now?!"

He grabbed your wrist with one hand and your chin with the other as he forced you to meet his gaze, "Because I care for you! I don't want you to die, I want you to live out your life to the fullest and make memories!"

He stepped back and took your hands in his. "I want you to take care of yourself."

"But why should I?" Your tone was bitter. "We all live just to die anyways, why not make it go faster?"

Childe looked stunned. His brows furrowed as he spoke again, "You should live because the world always has a place for you to be happy and free. And you just haven't found it yet, and I don't think you should give up, not yet not ever."

"Promise me, that you'll live, that you'll go out and make your mark on peoples lives and make yourself smile. You deserve to be happy."

You wipe your tears off and look to the side. "I can't promise you that. But I'll promise you that I'll try."

"Try?! But, [Name]-"

"I don't like to make promises that I know I'll go back on, that is why I can't promise you anything other than the fact that I'll try. I'll try because you asked me to." You stare into his eyes, your gaze serious and pained.

He sighs and places a hand on your shoulder, "Fine, at least try. Thank you." He kisses your cheek. "Go home and get some rest, Comrade, all that crying can make you tired." He smiles and walks away with a wave.

You place your hand on your shoulder as you watch him walk away, a pitiful and numb smile lays on your face as you speak, "I'll try."

A/N: I know that this won't fit for all people, but this is how I have felt and I took all of the things that reader has said from my own head.

I get that it's hard, and I was just struggling when I came up with idea to write this, but please, at least try. We're all trying and so am I, try because you never know when it might get better.<3

[iwantjaketosullyme]

𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐦𝐞 𝐨𝐮𝐭

➺ pairing: aged up!neteyam x omatikaya!reader (angst) ➺ summary: 'and i say your name in hopes you'll hear it in the stars' (w/c: 1.7k) ➺ warnings: death, grieving, hurt (not rlly any comfort), reader is a lil unhinged?? a/n: loosely inspired by mitski's 'carry me out' so go listen to that, cry a lil bit then come back nd cry some more :( kind of a long drabble, na'vi dictionary at the end !!

─────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───────

Every night, you return to the rock on which he died.

His rock. It is where you feel closest to him. Everybody else seems to find solace in the fleeting moments spent with a version of him at Ranteng Utralti, where he is Neteyam and simultaneously, not Neteyam. A cruel merging of both his pure spirit, innocent to his own death and an extension of your memories of him.

You, on the other hand, are too preoccupied with lamenting over the new memories with him that cannot be made – there were parts of Neteyam you were yet to discover, parts of him even he was yet to discover. You mourn not only what once was, but also what never was and never will be.

For Kiri, he is the protective pseudo-twin that effortlessly intimidates the skxawng that dared to tease her for her extra finger, by virtue of the squaring of his shoulders and the furrow of his brow. The white knight she never asked for, but would always appreciate.

For Lo’ak, he is the all-encompassing security of the known world made flesh and bone. A constant. Constant companion, constant rival, constant scapegoat. As a young boy he pinned all his hopes and dreams on Neteyam, nearly idolising his brother, the mighty warrior.

As he grew in both stature and teenage angst, he began to pin his anger at the world that did not understand him and refused to accept him onto Neteyam too.

As he watched the body of his brother sink to the bottom of the ocean floor, the innermost part of him whispered that all that he had pinned over the years grew and grew until it was what tied the metaphorical rock to Neteyam’s ankle, ensuring his fate below the sea’s surface and amongst the ancestors.

Even Kiri, the resident empath, does not understand when you admit your aversion to visiting him at the spirit tree. That version of him is ever close, but ever out of your reach. What she does understand, is when you confide in her that you think the sea yearns for the sky as you do for your yawne.

When the roaring waves crashing against one another almost make it look as if the sea has grown limbs, extending its appendages in an effort to grasp at the elusive sky. Equally near as it is far.

It is here, on this solid rock that you make your peace with the truth. Cold, hard and unmoving, like this rock. You lay in the same position as the last version of him you came to know; a young man stripped of his cognizance, relieved of his typical reservations and nobility, finally expressing his heart’s desire. To go home. 

Moved by raw emotion, you compress the length of your form against the boulder, rough surface digging into your back the same way it would have pressed into his – you long to feel his pain. You stretch your arms out beside you, feel the grooves formed by an unknown number of years of erosion. Erosion caused by the sea. The sea gives, and the sea takes.

Each night, you slip away from the communal meal, running from the sympathetic looks of concerned clan members, or the softly – but firmly – spoken sage words of wisdom from Neytiri intended to comfort you. But only you know what comforts you best. 

Each night, you run your palms over the jagged edges of his rock and find a new crater within it that you had not noticed before. With each new trace of the same surface you remind yourself of the events of that night, explore another possibility of how it could have ended, what you could have done differently.

It was on that night that you learnt of the cruelty within the Great Mother’s just nature. Of course, you would never dare to question her, for you knew of the love she held for each and every one of her children. This would not, however, fill the gaping hole in your heart that Neteyam had made his place of permanent residence.

It would not remedy the odd lightness you felt on your right shoulder in the dead of night, your body yearning for the familiar weight of his weary head as he finally rests after a long day of protecting everyone but himself. Whispers his grievances into the crook of your neck, secrets he could never fathom telling anyone else. Eternally the saviour with no complaints.

It has been a little over four weeks since you lost your life’s love to the waters around you, and thus the customary mourning period has come to an end. With your knowledge of this comes the realisation that you can no longer grieve your loss so openly anymore; up until this point you had been merely going through the motions of your daily duties. Physically present, but neither mentally nor emotionally – behaviour most unlike you. 

Like most in the Omatikaya clan, you were not left unscarred by the Sky People’s greed, be it from the events of the Great War nearly two decades ago, or their recent resurgence in the forest, and so grief was not an entirely alien concept.

With a community of people as close as yours is, was (you must remind yourself that you are no longer a tsmuke of the Omatikaya but of the Metkayina now), it was near enough impossible not to have lost a loved one. You had come to understand that there was no one way of grieving.

That did not, however, prepare you for what you feel currently. Your previous battles with grief had caused a hot anger to sear through your being, fuelling your hatred for the tawtute impostors and renewing your thirst for vengeance. You had cried, dried your tears and ploughed on. This time could not have been any more different for you. This time, yours was a fossilised kind of sadness.

No matter how understanding the Sullys are of your shared grief, with every interaction you have with them you feel obliged to remove the dark veil of your heavy countenance for their sake. Sometimes, when your sense of hurt pushes your thoughts to be more callous than empathetic, you wonder why exactly everybody else is able to move on but you cannot. 

Is it because Jake and Neytiri still have three other children to nurture and watch flourish? Because Lo’ak, Kiri and Tuk will still have each other? Neteyam was, is still your one and only. As the man intended to be your mate, he was the sole reason why you had even relocated to Awa’atlu with the Sully family. Without him you do not yet know quite how to live.

When your thoughts are more rational and the fog of despair lifts momentarily, you can see the way it still affects them. You hear it every time Neytiri speaks, a gravity present in her voice that was not before – an echo of the keening wail of a newly bereft mother.

You see it in the quiet, steely glint of determination in Jake’s gaze when he has his secret meetings with Tonowari. Where Lo’ak’s nonchalant nature would previously have meant he skives from training in favour of a deep sea swim with Payakan, now he is always first to arrive at the section of the shoreline dedicated to training and last to leave. You know, undoubtedly, another war is coming. 

Until then, you will cling to the sanctuary that this rock offers you. Here, you are free to bear the burden of your grief without shame. Carry the weight of it, feel its pressure, let it mould you into a misshapen form no different to the rock you lay on, hunched shoulders and weary back. As you lay back, you allow the gentle waves to lap over you. 

You cannot help but wonder what Neteyam must have been thinking when he was laid out here. Did he know that he would be leaving you like this? A small part of you hopes that the coaxing tide will drag you out to sea, beyond the reef, down, down, down into your watery grave so that your body can finally rest, surrounded by the sea anemones. Surrounded by Neteyam.

Gazing up into the night, you give your thoughts the freedom to take shape; twist and turn as they so wish. You imagine them being made physical before your eyes that are glazed over with unshed tears. You will them to float skywards, beyond the cover of night, up, up, up above the ether to reach the stars that hold your beloved. Silent prayers to the still night’s sky.

A small rock pierces the atmosphere, crossing the sky’s black canvas with speed swifter than a palulukan in pursuit and velocity greater than an ikran flying into battle. Lost in thought, you nearly miss the sight of the shooting star, white hot rock cutting through an obsidian sky. An auspicious symbol. 

In your eager attempt not to lose sight of it you sit up abruptly, nearly keeling over as you stretch your neck to gaze up towards the sky. You manage to keep it in your visage, panic rising when it crosses over into your peripheral. Wasting no time, you crawl over, scurrying on all fours to the other end of the rock, from which it is perfectly in your eyeline. 

Incensed, your arms that are now grazed by the harsh edges of rock stretch out towards the star until you can feel a dull ache in the joint that connects it to your torso. Entire body extended, you open your palms wide to their full span, clutching at the fiery rock before clamping your fingers so tightly together, you can feel the skin pulling tautly over bone.

The gesture is a physical confirmation of your understanding of this phenomenon ordained by Eywa, a promise to her that you will listen. A promise to Neteyam that you will live.

You strengthen your grip on this promise and tuck it away in your heart, in the space that Neteyam used to reside in. Rolling over, you ground yourself, leaning your back against the rock. His rock. He was your rock.

─────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───────

na’vi dictionary

ranteng utralti - the spirit tree // skxawng - idiot // yawne - beloved // tsmuke - sister // tawtute - sky person, sky people // palulukan - thanator // ikran - banshee

© iwantjaketosullyme tumblr 2023

☼ 𝘵𝘢𝘨𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘵:

@heirtothekingdom , @bebkyu , @amiah24 , @inlovewithpandora , @alathan13 , @girlnred , @ggujkie , @aemondhoe , @malandrinhass , @itsyagirl01 , @mookiepookiesblog , @idekstopasking

𝘭𝘮𝘬 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘢 𝘣𝘦 𝘢𝘥𝘥𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰/𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘢𝘨𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘵 <3

[imaginarylungfish]

AUDHD 👏 GOJO 👏

I’m right there with you so, in true AuDHD style, I’m zooming into your inbox to infodump because I’m ALWAYS desperate to scream about this (shout out to @ellionwrites for patiently and compassionately listening to my unpolished rambles about a lot of this stuff in private)!

I actually have a LOT of thoughts about 236 and how it’s Gojo’s “unmasking”. That chapter is really emotional for me because of how well it articulates my personal experience of navigating the world as an autistic person. This post (and especially its tags) from right after it came out says it in a much more concise way, but Gojo’s upset pout breaks my heart because, to me, that's evidence of “no matter how much you try, people will misunderstand you” and damn… that hits a little close to home 🥲

It’s why his death had such a strong impact on me, especially when it felt like half the internet was ignoring the actual words Gojo said to claim “he never cared about that stuff, he was arrogant from the start and you just misread him". In combination with “it was the best ending for a character like Gojo" — right after we find out how deeply lonely he’s been, never able to truly connect with anyone after Geto left? Well, it was mindblowingly meta and, therefore, pretty painful to read.

I wrote an analysis of Gojo’s character in 236 and, even though I wasn’t viewing him through an autistic lens for that particular post, I think my words under the cut still read that way — that’s how baked into his character I think this stuff is! I genuinely think the two pairs of sorcerers sitting with their backs to each other is a visual representation of the double empathy problem. I'm not sure autistic and allistic people can ever arrive at a place where we fully understand each other, but that doesn’t mean autistic people have to carry all the burden and remain isolated. That’s why it’s meaningful that Gege makes it clear that all the characters care about each other, even if they don’t see eye-to-eye.

Glad to see you shouting about this reading of his character, because I haven’t seen many people talking about it. Some people are very hostile to ND headcanons, especially for characters as popular as Gojo, which is why I haven’t really talked about it much myself. However, I feel like any fellow AuDHDers who read my fic must be side-eying me constantly because I don’t think I’m subtle about how I write Gojo’s character at ALL 🤪

Maybe it’s time to be brave and publicly share my 236 AuDHD!Gojo manifesto for the five of us who are standing in a circle screaming about this! Cheering you on and sending lots of love ♥️

Ahhhhh thank you so much for this infodump!!!! I was on a AuDHD!Gojo rampage last night as my brain worm hit right as I should have been going to sleep. But such are things....

Like idk why it didn't truly hit me until now, but I can't unseen Gojo as AuDHD. (It was probably because I re-watched "Everything's Gonna be Okay" with some AuDHD representation and then I started thinking of other AuDHD characters and immediately thought of Gojo.) I did play with the idea a few months back, but it hit me with full force yesterday.

Idk like I get a little annoyed with people who think I or others like Gojo just because "he's hot" because like okay fine yes (but also I think I just have gender envy but that's a whole other can of worms). But also, no no no that's not it! My love for Gojo is more than that! He speaks to me as a character. He's misunderstood. He's seen as something he isn't. In my eyes, he's neurodivergent (and queer). And Geto was the only other person who ever saw him for who he really was.

Gojo's death was really hard on me. I remember exactly where I was when I read that chapter. And then the airport. Fuck. EmOtIOns. At first, I tried understanding Nanami's words. I really did. But really, I just didn't if I'm honest. Those words were a shock to me. Like yeah okay he's selfish (but like aren't all humans?). He also helps though! Isn't that obvious? And at the end? He wanted to have an equal to go all out with in a fight. Again, why was that bad? He was also helping! What's the issue? He's a fallible human. Like you said in your analysis, he contains multitudes. What's wrong with that?

So, like many others, I thought maybe I misread Gojo. But no. Now I think the missing piece was that Gojo is AuDHD and Nanami didn't quite get that. He didn't understand Gojo's actions. (And ahh god that lil pout. Gojo was just living his life and people saw him but they never ~saw~ him.)

I think the visual of the sorcerers back-to-back is a great metaphor for the double empathy problem. I never saw it that way, but I see it now and like it! And I think you're so right with the fact that the characters still respect and support each other even if they don't understand each other fully. I think that's a theme woven throughout the story.

Blahhh I feel like there is so much textual support for AuDHD Gojo. Like him being blindsided by Geto's defection because he didn't see Geto's decline (and don't get me started about Autistic!Geto with his strict black-and-white thinking), him just blabbing about sweets when he meets up with Megumi before fighting one-finger Sukuna at the beginning, the fact he thought revealing Yuuji to his classmates at the exchange event would be funny (cause hey, I thought it would too until it happened and I saw oh hey, it wasn't), etc. Plus, his blindfold. His overall personality. Like, it's such a heavy mask. Now I see that.

I feel like people either love Gojo or they hate him. (I immediately gobbled up your analysis and 100% agree. And I think people's reactions to his death are pretty telling.)

So, thank you for the yummy AuDHD!Gojo content. Please feel free to send me more/link me to things. I feel like I have a million more things to say but my brain is jumping all over the place and I've already spent 40 minutes this morning on this when I should have been getting ready for work. Hehe, whoops.

Gojo is AuDHD. I will die on this hill. Let's keep staring and screaming at each other about this. Sending you good vibes and love as well 🤍

[sams-art-domain]

Dying under a tree

Tw: death, tragedy, graphic depictions of violence. features: my oc’s Aurora and Sky, no designs yet really.

2122 Words

I pushed myself against the tree, my body screaming with pain. I cough and tears overflowed from the pure pain. It felt like a million needles were being stabbed into my lungs. I could smell copper. Blood. My vision blurred from my tears, and I blinked them down my face. I clenched my good hand, my arm shaking violently. I looked up, under the leaves of an old oak tree. Another wave of pain washing over my body and I cough. I bring my good hand to my chest, blood staining my arm. I look at my other arm. Mangled and bleeding. I sob, my rib cage racking and it hurts like I just got hit with one million cars. I look around. People screaming and crying and running and trying to escape. Why now!? What the fuck!? I was happy. I had almost everything I wanted and they took it and fuck them and I just what the hell!!?? I watch a mother and her newborn get shot down like cattle. I almost vomit from the amount of blood. I don’t know how they don’t see me. I don’t even care. I wish I could help someone. I just close my eyes and tilt my head up. 

Escape escape escape I don’t want to be here I’m hurt and scared and angry please distract yourself think of a happy moment think of someone you love-

Sitting under the old oak tree, its leaves protecting us from the beaming sun. She laughed, a golden and warm laugh. A laugh I could listen to forever. I would do anything to make her laugh like that. Her smile radiating enough light to illuminate the solar system. A sun. She was warm and golden and bright. I felt my own smile grow. My heart skipped and and jumped and practically flew out of my chest. “That’s dumb-“ her laugh died down, though her smile was still shining. Her soft straight brown hair tucked behind her ears, it falling over her shoulders and down her back like a waterfall. 

“Clearly not, you think it’s hilarious.” I jokingly say. My smile probably lop-sided and imperfect.

“Only ‘cause it’s you” she comments, voice quieter at the ‘you’. 

My stomach drops. And my heart does backflips and spikes and dances. Butterflies release from my stomach to my chest. I can feel my face heat up. My breath hitches. 

“‘Cause you’re funny.” She continues, trying to save herself. Her face is slightly pink. “More fun then other girls. All they wanna talk about is boys ‘nd stupid stuff…” she looked at her knees. Slightly scraped from playing in the woods earlier. 

I stare at her face, slightly pinkened, a cut on her chin from falling earlier. Her eyes looking down, her round nose with freckles covering it up and down. Her soft lips, slightly red and one sucked into her mouth as she chewed on it. Her eyebrows furrowed, like she was thinking. 

“I don’t like talking about boys. I think girls are prettier anyway.” She admits, glancing at me briefly when she notices I’m staring. 

“Me too.” I blurt before thinking. I’ve never thought about it like that. “Girls are prettier than most boys.” I pause, rethinking. “Some boys are pretty too though.” I continued. I look at her hands, picking at a scab on her knee. It’s red and probably doesn’t feel too good to do that. 

“I don’t like boys at all. They’re mean and loud.” She adds matter-of-factly. Continuing to pick at that scab. Ignoring what she said about boys, I see her scab start to bleed.

“Hey- you shouldn’t do that..” I grab her hand while saying that, holding it in mine. Not even realizing her face flash bright pink and her eyes staring at our hands. 

“Y- uhm-..” She stutters, staring at our hands, and interlocks our fingers. 

My heart rate increases. Those butterflies seem to quadruple and begin dancing in my chest. Our hands sit on the ground, interlocked. We sit side-by-side under the oak tree. I look at the ant crawling next to my shoe. She looks at her knees. She scoots closer and rests her head on my shoulder. I really think she’s prettier than anyone.. girl or boy. 

A sharp pain radiates through my chest. I realize I have been holding my breath. My leg throbs with every time my heart beats. I look around, no one’s alive. Everyones- everyone’s dead. The stench of blood burns my nose and makes me gag. Causing my chest to tighten and more pain stab me yet again. Tears begin to fall again and I look at my leg, broken and bruised. A nasty gnash against my calf. How did I survive? How am I still alive? Why didn’t they kill me… 

More than just the deep cut on my chest. It hurts. Everything fucking hurts and I hate it. Why am I alive!? Why did they kill all of them. I look around, just dead. Dead men, women, and children. I hate it. I feel nauseous. Dying here. So many regrets. 

I scream in frustration and pain. Pain pain pain pain pain. The scream makes my chest hurt worse. “I- I literally am going to die alone…” my voice breaks and crumbles. “Never even got a chance to properly tell ‘er…” All I can think about is her. Is she dead? Dying? Suffering? Maybe she was captured, maybe she escaped, I hope she’s safe. 

Snow falls, the sun hidden behind clouds, I sit under that same oak tree, the leaves gone and dead. She looks down at me, her soft lips turning up into a light smile.. She stands in front of me, her hands hidden behind her back“I got you something for Valentine’s Day!” She happily announces. 

My heart stops and I look up, her smile seeming to trigger my own. The crumpled letter in my pocket suddenly seeming realistic. I forget to respond. My brain asks a million questions…

“You okay?” She asks me, slightly concerned. “Sorry if that’s weird!“ she apologizes.  

“Oh- nonono! I’m just surprised! Can I see what ya’ got for me?” I backtrack- sounding weirdly soft. Just like she is. 

“Oh okay-“ her smile returns. “No actually I don’t think you should see the thing I got specifically for you-“ she comments sarcastically while moving to hand me the gift. I laugh slightly at the sarcasm. It’s a small box with purple-pink wrapping paper. we’re both quiet as she holds out the box, I stare at it. My heart suddenly deciding  it actually wants to be an F-1 racer. “Here!” She shoves the box into my hands.

“thanks…” I open the box silently, careful to not rip the wrapping paper. Inside the box, there’s a little crocheted version of me, holding little white, red and burgundy paper roses. She looks down at me expectantly. I could cry- the amount of- how much time did this take? The little me is accurate- down to my favorite shirt- down to the one streak of blonde in my hair from me backing out of getting high-lights after the hairdresser had already done one. Down to my lop-sided smile. “Th- thank you- I.. wow.” 

“You’re welcome!” She Exclaims as she plops down on the ground in front of me. The ground is only slightly covered from the fresh snow. “You like it right?” She looks at my face, I probably look like I’m about to ball my eyes out- but I’m really happy. 

“I f- fucking love it. Seriously..” I can barely get the words out. “How’d you even do this- I don’t hardly let you take pictures of me!” I ask her. 

“Oh, I used an old reference. Nothing crazy.” She answers, a little quieter than usual. 

“You okay?” I looked at her, I noticed she was looking down at the ground. 

She stays silent, looking at the ground still. “Look, Sky, I-“ She stuttered. uncharacteristically she looked nervous. Silence follows, she glances at me, and then the ground. Her nervousness starting to rub off on me.  “I really enjoyed making that for you.” She exhales

I-

“-u- ar-“ I hear someone. “Righ- right?“ I realized I had passed out. My vision focuses fairly quickly. I see someone. They have long brown hair. Limping and holding their side. I smell blood. “Are you alright-“ Her. She grabs my shoulders. I feel someone. the pain comes back. I see her face. It’s bloodied and tear streaked. “You’re not alright-“ Her voice doesn’t just break. It shatters. A sob racks through her. “Y- you’re alive though.” 

“A-“ I choke on my blood, blood spits up and I cough. 

“Shhh- shhh…” she soothes me, though it sounds strained and painful as she sits next to me. 

I look at her stunned. She’s here- Tears well in my eyes. “Aur- rora-“ my throat and lungs burn trying to push the words out. But I get them out. I know the situation. People are dead, I’m bleeding out and based off of the wound in her gut, she is too. If there was help to get she would have gotten it. “We’re not o- okay..” I look at her, her normally soft lip broken open and bleeding. She shouldn’t be beautiful with a black eye, bloodied lip and broken nose. But she is. 

“I know..” she looks at me, her eyes still find a way to be bright. For a moment, the pain stops and it’s just her. Just us. And I’m okay with that. “let’s, just. sit here…” she smiles sadly. And I could cry. I could sob and sob into her already tattered and bloody shirt. But I smile too. Her smile, even with all the pain, is still bright. Still warm. Still real. I take my good hand, and hold hers in mine. 

She scoots closer to me, and I rest my head on her shoulder. Everything hurts but it’s fading, I feel light. 

“Remember Valentine’s Day..? 2 years ago.” She asks, her voice quiet. 

“Y-yeah..” I force the words out. My throat still sore. That’s probably one of my favorite days. She gave me a gift and then she took me shopping. We both watched the sunset while sitting on her roof even though it was cold the whole day she still managed to make me feel warm. Just like now. 

“I did enjoy making the little you.” She repeats, and I smile, I love that thing, it sits on my night stand, still holding the little roses. “But there was- there’s something else.” Her voice goes soft, like she’s out of breath and nervous and I feel her heart rate speed up. I still feel soft, the pain almost completely fading, my heart rate slowing. Normally I would feel scared. Something’s wrong. “Since we’re dying…” she pauses, I notice her breath hitch as if she’s trying not to cry. “Since we’re dying here, I wanted to tell you what it is.” She wraps her arm around my shoulder. “You still with me?” She sounds scared. 

“Ye- yeah I a- am..” my voice is weak and breathy but there. Nothing hurts. I feel tired, but I love this girl so I'm going to listen to her. 

“Okay, look, Sky. Sky I love you.” She practically vomits. For second, I’m back. She loves me? I start to cry. all that time I had thought she didn’t. She loves me?! I smile.s,I long and crying is a weird combo. But near as weird as the situation.  We’re dying and I’m crying and she loves me. I love her too I love her so much- so so so much-

“I love you- I love you too Aurora.” My throat hurts again but I don’t even care. My voice breaks and I sob. I hear sobbing other than my own, it’s hers. She’s sobbing, 

“Please don’t- don’t leave me…” Aurora squeezes me. I start to fade again. My head feels light. I keep crying. I’m sad. No.. happy? I’m happy. I love her. She loves me. We both are here and alive so why am I crying? She’s crying. 

“I love you.” I repeat. Not fully understanding. But knowing. I love this girl. 

“I lov- I love you too Sky.” She hugs me. Sobbing. 

“I’m tired.” I tell her, feelin light and relaxed. She’s hugging me she loves me she’s here and so am I. 

“Me too.” Aurora’s voice is quiet. She tries to stop crying, she looks so sad. I wish I could help her. 

“Can- can we just sleep?” I ask. Maybe if we rest she won’t be sad. 

She sadly smiles. I love her smiles.  “Yeah. Yeah we can.” 

[not-goldy]

Tumblr please bring back my update.

It was a long ass post too and Tumblr jx sweeped it under the rugs damn

So Re my gf's dialog of doom- FALSE ALARM😭😭😭

Sis jx wanted to know what I wanted to do on my birthday💀

But like why did she say it like that cos I peed pooped puked pivoted ALL THE BIG P's at the same time😭😭😭😭😭😭

Sis don traumatized me in this relationship 🤧

Anyone who knows what's been going on between us last year. weve been going through this process close to and near my birthday that ends with us breaking up- and then getting back together.

It's very simple, she missed my birthday last year ND the year before that. No post no greetings no calls nothing. So what did I do? Nothing. Didn't complain didnt ask questions. NOTHING.

And it hurt cos I used to do everything for her on her birthday to let her know I be feeling her like that- and honestly I just think it's nice to do nice things for people you care about and her birthday is jx an excuse for me to show her I care and give her experiences and moments ya know?

I don't know. May be it's my mistake I keep giving her the love I want for myself and I keep loving her in ways I never had.

Anywho, I had had enough of her analysis retentive attitude so close to her birthday, I got her all excited, called up her friends to let them know I was planning something for her. I even asked if they wanted to come cos I knew they would tell her either way. they a bunch of clowns really🤡

On her birthday, she cleared her schedule and seemed in a really good mood- I cleared my schedule too( we worked together then, she's my boss so she definitely knew I cleared my schedule that day)

Then on her birthday, I took myself out on a nice getaway staycation got me some nice lingerie pampered my back and toes, had those feet fetishized and love kissed by them cute weird freaky feet eating fishes with foot fetish, strolled through long halls naked under the robe with a glass of wine, and let my phone ring on silence.

Came back n acted like I'd been out with people and had the time of my life.

You can't stress me out and expect me not to love myself.

I'LL LOVE MYSELF ON YOUR BIRTHDAY😘

This year. I totally forgot she's a March born like I stopped caring bout her birthday n I wasn't even trying to be petty or nuin😭😭😭😭😭

I just don't care anymore 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

So when she said we needed to talk, turns out she just wanted to talk about that and call it truce cos she says she can't keep going through that year after year.

And frankly I can't either cos I be having my entire heart ripped out of my chest it be looking like a homicide inside my ribcage- but it doesn't stop me from returning the energy on her birthdays too cos I'M PETTY AS FUCK DUDE

I'm a Libra don't mess with me. I'll take the L, go through all the motions, feel that hurt and pain and betrayal and when I'm done- RUN

ILL GEAR UP AND SERVE YOU HOT STEAMING PILE OF LAVA BOILING REVENGE COOKED STRAIGHT FROM HELL'S COLD KITCHEN😌

She asked me what my plans are for my birthday and I honestly have nothing planned at all- I jx want to be quiet and alone and watch Netflix.

She's hurt cos she says I used to want to do things together with her on my birthday.

I don't know if I've changed like she says but frankly as much as I love her I don't enjoy being with her anymore.

I'd rather spend my birthday alone, do things alone- I love her want her- it's just I'm scared of another fight and yet again another break up and if us being distant is the only way we can have a semblance of a normal relationship then I'll take that.

And I'll rather have this than not have her at all.

Chilee I don't know anymore.

Also yall quit complaining bout me bringing my drama to your doorstep. Like yall have audacity hanging around my blog for free 99 and expecting relative peace and drama free services😹😹😹😹😹

Say it after me, We all in this together

Mi drama is su drama adios 😘😆

[sucker-for-yanderes]

Yan!Keisuke x F!Reader (pt. 2)

Contains: murder, drugs, lots of blood, angst, mental torment, yandere behavior, violence, and threats to reader.

After emerging from the darkness of the alleys into the grey outside, your legs slowly carried you towards the usual place you'd been staying at. With your head hanging low, you slightly shifted your gaze after hearing muffled voices of conversation fade in as you walked through the entrance of the hotel which seemed to be a bit more populated than usual. There was an obvious tension in the room, even more so than before. A lump formed in your throat when you heard people panicking about what happened in the club. Apparently those who used to hang out there who weren't there that day, were now relocating here. That explains the crowd. 

“Besides, people say they’ve seen him, but I can’t track him down. Even when I look in places he’s shown up, the trail fades away into nothing midway through like an illusion. Gotta wonder what became of him.” Motomi let out a smoky breath; the information broker who also sees himself to be your personal therapist. It seems like he was discussing with Rin on Keisuke's whereabouts. If his information network had proven itself useless when it came to Keisuke's whereabouts, maybe Keisuke was deliberately trying to to mislead people about where he was off to. The current him seemed capable of that.

As time passed, fidgeting motionless on the couch with a sickness in your stomach and chest. Too consumed with your thoughts, you hadn't realized you had been neglecting your body's natural needs. Motomi's voice pleaded with you to eat something and get some rest. You politely accepted a water and a protein snack from him. You knew your body required at least some energy. Appreciating Rin and Motomi's help, you needed to be alone more than anything. A thought popped into your head to go outside and get some fresh air. Well, as fresh as it could be. After all, Toshima was a destroyed city overrun by a crime organization. Otherwise this sick game wouldn't have even gotten the chance to materialize into something this real.

Though you had gone outside to clear up your turbid thoughts, even if only a little, the chilly night time silence had the opposite effect of heightening your sense of foreboding. Letting out a short breath and taking a few steps to head back inside. Then, without warning, you felt someone standing right behind you; something slamming into the back of your neck as you tried to turn around to face the perpetrator. Wincing in pain, your head injury still very much fresh, your sight wavered and began closing in. About to fall over, limp, when the same person caught you. You fought desperately to raise your head and find out who it was, that’s when your eyelids fell closed, together with your consciousness, all before you could get a steady look at the person of interest. Falling into darkness.

A horrible headache attacked you the instant you had opened your eyes. It was a nasty awakening, like being dragged out of the abyss of sleep against your will. Keisuke was sat in the nearby dark corner, his unwavering gaze set on you. Had he been watching you this whole time? The only light there was to offer was that of the moonlight shedding from the room's only window.

But nonetheless, you were almost awake and, yet, too exhausted to move. “All awake now, princess?” You snap into alertness as if you had been bathed in cold water, speaking of which… As the sensation in your body comes back, you feel the unforgiving cold air that makes your skin cringe at its touch. You weren't too fond of his new nickname for you. You were nothing like a princess, was this his idea of a mockery? You couldn't hold back your glare. “You were tossing ‘nd turning quite a lot. Were you having a bad dream?” He shifts his head to a further degree on the hand he was resting on that was propped up on his knee for support. Immediately, you attempt to get up, but that’s when Keisuke shoved your shoulders back onto the floor in a split second. “No, it's okay. Lay down. It still hurts doesn’t it? Sleep. And then let’s talk things over nice and slow for once.” ... So he's overprotective now? Not too long ago he just threatened to take your very life. He's so hot and cold, it throws you off. "I will not..-" You turned your nose away in disgust, detecting the faint scent of blood after he had gotten right up close into your personal bubble. "The executioners are going to kill you when they find out you were the one behind that massacre at the club." Keisuke raised a brow at your statement, trying to decipher if it was a warning or a threat. You couldn't tell either, perhaps both. Keisuke's hand held your chin in it now.

“Don’t glare at me like that. Why do you think I’m here? Do you know, (Name)?” He asked in the manner of an adult inquiring of a child. So condescending it made you want to seethe, but you didn’t do anything. The meaning of Keisuke’s question flew straight over your hurting head. It was all you could do just to suppress the vortex of mixed emotions in your chest. “It was your scent, (Name).” Keisuke closed his eyes as he said it and gave a soft sniff. You scrunched your nose in confusion and cringed. He's talking crazy, what the hell? “You've always smelled so nice. You have such a distinct scent, you know. Better than fancy lotions or perfumes.” His broken sing-song voice sent a light chill running down your spine in which you let out a sad sound. “Hey. Why don’t you say something? Or would you like me to go first? Oh, I know! Wanna hear about my heroic feats? I did a whole lot of killing. For a good cause, of course.” He started while holding out his arms as if he were proud. His wicked smile made you want to cry. Staring hard at him, you can’t help but be astounded. “... Did you do it?” “Do what~” Keisuke asked, apparently pleased that you had opened your mouth at last. “I heard people are getting killed even outside of Toshima. Is it you?” You quietly muttered out the last few words in your hoarse voice, fearing the answer. 

"Mhm."

Keisuke never once took his eyes off you, grinning from cheek to cheek, head turned down. You didn’t want to think “As I’d expected” but… Unable to keep watching Keisuke–who had “so what?” written all over his face, you turned your head down into your lap. It can't be. This just can't be. “They’re weak." No. "Every damn one of them." No. No. The more he spoke, the deeper you fell into despair. Like you wanted to faint. You wanted so terribly for this all to be some awful nightmare. That you were still asleep and dreaming. You wished you could see your deceased brother again, see the old Keisuke again.

Keisuke continued to speak and tell you how he killed Takeru, the one who tried to take tags from you and Keisuke. You couldn't hold back the shocked sob as Keisuke held out the cross necklace and tag both soiled with old blood dangling above your face catching glints of moonlight from the window. They were undeniably Takeru's. Takeru, who was in this to make money for his family. Takeru, who hurt you. So Keisuke hurt him. "Y'know why? Why I did it?" He sounded like a child seeking praise as he leaned close in to your ear.

"Because I love you."

No... After all this holding back, the tears finally escaped you. Heart burning with sorrow and anguish. Your neck gave up supporting your head which was filled with too many thoughts, and you fell to your side where you were only being supported by the nearby bed. Your heart was broken. Keisuke seemed to be pleased with your expression as he observed you, not wiping the tears that spilled down your cheeks like the old him would have. Like he enjoyed the sight of you crying. "Say something, (Name)." Getting a closer look at him now, you saw what you had secretly dreaded and made every effort to not think about. Murky eyes.

"Will you love me, too?"

You said nothing. So badly you wished things were different... In your younger days at the orphanage, your naivety had the best of you. It was true that you began to harbor romantic feelings for Keisuke. You were always fond of Keisuke. You had no idea what it meant. You weren't doing it because this person was special to your brother, it was more complex than that. Keisuke was special to you. And you did love Keisuke. The old Keisuke... Not this imposter. Where was your sweet boy?

Confronting him about his eyes, Keisuke arches a brow in mock surprise at your hoarse voice. You wished you were a child again for the sole purpose of getting away with running away and crying. That's exactly what you wanted to do now but no, you had to be strong. Keisuke was on drugs now, you feel responsible since you're the reason he's here in the first place. Toshima was poisoning him. If you wouldn't have gotten him involved, if you would've forced him to turn back and let you do this on your own... Then maybe none of this would've ever happened. You wouldn't have ruined his life.

Keisuke grew impatient awaiting your reply. You flinched as his fist slammed down on the floor next to your face. Keisuke's lips curved to a smile. "There's that face..." You hadn't realized your expression, but your eyes had widened as you looked up at him domineering over you like prey in its predators' grasp. "I want to see more. I want to see you scared. See you cry. See you seething with anger. I want to know you're just as alive as I am right now. If I'm being honest, it's better knowing I'm the one causing these emotions. I want to be the only one to make you feel everything." Keisuke's confession makes your face twist and your stomach drop. "Please, stop this." You sob. "You're not yourself. It's the drugs-"

With a swift movement, his hand was on your neck nearly crushing your windpipe. You can only let out small grunts and gasps as your eyes pierce into his darkened ones. For a moment, Keisuke's grip softens allowing you relief. His hand slides away and onto the ground. His smile had faded into a frown. And suddenly, there Keisuke sat on top of you. Seemingly taken over by an overwhelming sadness. Because deep down inside, he never wanted to hurt you. All he wanted was to save you. Never in a million years would he even think of hurting you. And yet, here he was. Watching the red marks he'd left on your neck just now surface. Remembering the times he'd knocked you unconscious. The venom he spat at you. What was he even doing? Why did he even bring you here to this place with him? I mean, seriously what the hell? His thoughts quickly turned him to anger.

Keisuke took a stand and simply left. He'd left you all alone again. You had shifted over and held out your hand reaching out towards him in the process, only to bring your hand back into your chest. You sobbed weakly, feeling as though you now had no one left. Your parents, then Akira, and now Keisuke too. You're all alone. Keisuke had stuck around for a little bit standing by the door of the room he'd left you alone in. Now he was gone. You don't know when you'll see him again. How you miss him so... Wait, what? But why? Why do you care? He just hurt you. He's done it on more than one occasion both mentally and physically. So why? Why is it that your heart aches for him? Were your feelings for him really so strong? Unfortunately, that seems to be the case.

But it wouldn't be long without him. For he would soon return and come back to you.

[megamangx]

MEGAMAN GX TALES OF SPOOKY 2024

TIME FOR MORE SCAYR STORYS WITH REAL BLOOD CHILLERS THIS TYHEAR.

MOUTHWASHING: truth of the mint

johnny and japan girl worked for the listerine company,...they make mouthwash witch is sold in uk but they had high tech submarinas to go under water to harbvest mint c rystals to make mouyhwash

randy went in first "i will touch the crystal" but it burned him and turned him into a mummy and he could not talk n ow but was pain "send rescue for randy" said johnny

in the base he was on the hospital bed eye looked but could not takl becuse his vocer cords where burned "we must keep him fresh" said seiki who poured mouthwash into his mouth "there there drink your mouthwash" she said and his teeth where really white and clean "at least he has good teeth now that is half battel" she smile

robert entered the ship "we have problam a s monster is killing people" and he showed the cctv and it was monster.

"we need guns lets roll out and move out" said johnn as they got guns but the monster killed robert with blood "i am the mint man you company people where harvesting the mint race to make mouthwash now you pay" said monster and randy got up now a mint mummy and snaped johnnys neck.

the end.

Megaman Shade mans bride of darkness.

It was morning as megaman was in his home drinking some monster e tank energy "Where is roll" her askered doctor lighted "i am here" she said coming in tired with strenge mark on neck "oh dear megaman looks like a vampire has been coming to her bedrom at night he may want to take your sister to be his wife" said docter light.

"i do not want to become vampire girlfriend pleasw help me megaman" said roll

megaman fisted at her with determanion "i will protect you sister do not worry" said megaman at that night he wented to rolls bedroom to watch her but he fall sleep and vampire come into her vampire and hypnosised at her "you will come with me and become vampire wife" said the man and she nod "i will comed by you and becomed vampire wife" said roll and she walked out the window with him.

"oh no he took roll" with megaman said and he got to rush and flyed to where the castle was.

"give my sister back" said megaman aiming his burster and the bad guy come IT WAS SHADEMAN.

"no she is my wife now i have put vampire robot nanomachines in her using my hypnosis beams and now she is vampire robot forever" shademan said and a sexy blonde haired robot comed out in a sexy black dress with goth make up on "i am his bride of the dark night now hehe sorry brother you failed to save me"

Megaman fighted them with his buster but they where stoo stong as roll was on top of him "now i will drink your life energy and be shademans forever"

buit then protoman came in firing a light blast "take this" he said with cool and used the anti virus buster shot to remove all the vampire nano hypnosis machines turning roll back to normel as she was in her red dress again "megaman what happened to me everything is blur"

"do not worry sister you are fine now"

"you stole wife now you die!!!!!!!!!!" screamed shademan sending an armyt of bat robots to kill them but megaman used the proton sabber and blew them up "not a chance tshademan how about a little garlic buster" and megaman used the garlic buster to beat him.

"you ruined my plans but next time I get you" said doctor wily over the radio.

the gang all laughered "lets not be vampires for halloween haha" laughed megaman.

the end

MURDERBEAR

it was holloaween in tokhyo preefecture japan and miko mori was trick or treating but then a cute bear masked person was there staring "cute costume" she said THEN MURDERBEAR AXED HER IN FACEA ND SHE WAS DEAD FROM AXE

police did not know what to thinking of it "i miust have bneen an accidant with the trees you knowing these kids are ditracted becuse of the tiktok" the police chef said and the office nodde "that is true lets close the booking on this case and get some beer"

at a party in the tokyo tower aiko washington was giving a talk becuse of company making lots of money but then screams it was MURDERBER killing everyone "guards shoot him" said the ceo but the bullets did nothing MURDERBEAR WAS IMMUNE and he took out uzis and started gunning the suits down.

ikt got bad that columbo was sent in to find murderbear who had killed 459 people that night with cutting weapons "this case sure is a pickle my wife she liked bears you know" he said smoking a cigar.

he went to the xbox building and inside was bobby kotict "You stopped the murderbear right" he asked

"See the thing is murderbear was you mr bobby kotict it fit your bodysize and you mentioned a while back you liked bears and collected bear masks" columbo said and bobby was shocked

"thats a serieres crime you are acosting me of"

columbo smiled "you killed those people in japan beccuse you wanted to take out the console competition becuse xbox was failing so you killed those people to take japan out of the amiercan markets mr kotcit"

the police put handcuffs on the ceo and took him awauy but the scars of the night of MURDERBEAR would live on.

end

[imaginespazzi]

Hows things bestie? Hope youve been enjoying the holiday weekend!

Ok I havent gotten to catch quite as much hoops action as I'd have hoped since Wednesday but.. Man did I enjoy following the UConn/Ole Miss game. Two teams I really like and it was an entertaining, clean battle. And after Azzi's significant performance + tourney honors, you cant tell me that P didnt go and do some extravagant shopping on top of lavishing personal attention ha. (Just circling back to this because I love to be right ofc 🙃)

This sudden ND drop off is bewildering. Something weird happens to top ranked teams while in the Caymans huh? Kinda have to feel good for the Utes given the recent challenges theyve faced. On the other hand, not so much for TCU, as they have HVL and Sedona. But I will give them due credit for the beating the Irish. Now S. Carolina sure has looked more like themselves in the past few competitions after the UCLA shellacking. The margin of victory over Iowa St was something. Apparently things got shaky for Southern Cal w their game against St. Louis, but they managed to close strong. Seems like they'll keep people on their toes for the time being.

Minuscule bit of L/G tea, which you may have already noticed. In recent insta story, Liz acknowledged Kentucky WBB and mentioned Clara Strack having a really good tourney performance (plus I think was her BDay around then?). What it appears did not go mentioned by Ms. Kitley however was Amoore reaching the milestone of 700 career assists and being named an all tourney player. Soooooo 😐

Random but kinda feel like mentioning some recommendations to share! The Juju Watkins documentary has been a nice watch. And for those who are looking for something outside of sports or holiday stuff- kinda niche, but Ive recently watched the movie 'Blitz' and a few eps of the show 'Say Nothing'. Both worth time for someone if either are genre/theme of interest.

Ok Im gonna go try and be productive while I can ha. Bye for now!

-☕️

Hi bestiiiieeee

I had such a lovely holiday weekend and it was meant to be reserved for finals studying but instead I got drunk as fuck with my cousins and going back to classes today was physically painful lmao.

You're so right, she absolutely spoiled the fuck out of her girl after and honestly whatever she splurged would be completely valid after what Azzi did for us that game. Definitely was my favorite game so far in this early season.

THE CAYMANS CURSE!! But yeah I don't now what happened with ND but that downhill spiral has been insane and would be the most unexpected collapse of sorts in all of CBB if it wasn't for the UConn men...(just had to throw a stray I fear)

I did notice the Clara repost and definitely noticed the lack of Georgia and it's all just very inchresting but also as expected in way?

[ladykakata]

[Terminal Hades Brainrot again]

The more scenes I watch, the more I’m disturbed at how much Hades ‘others’ Zagreus. He barely uses his name before a certain event, he constantly belittles him and tells him that everything he does is a failure, he isn’t impressed with Zagreus buying upgrades or anyone helping him, and he even tells him to ‘cease bothering the dog’, as though Cerberus isn’t ALSO Zagreus’ family pet. The line about the hydra having a family and Zagreus’ rather dark line of ‘So do I’, plus a line about ‘We’re Gods, boy, killing each other is what we do’ makes me really wonder something.

A discussion on Reddit talked about the cycle of abuse, and Hades has some serious hangups about his family. I do wonder if he is deliberately keeping Zagreus out of being close to him to avoid future pain and betrayal, but by doing so, he causes Zagreus to bear a grudge against him anyway, so he fufills part of that anyway. He only comes clean or part-way clean after a certain event, and he is mature enough to say he doesn’t expect Zagreus to forgive him.

A line about the Fates being cruel really brought up a previous point to me; how did Hades feel about Zagreus’ stillbirth? I thought this was perhaps a nod to that, as it took Nyx convincing the Fates to change Zagreus’ story to bring him back to life, and Hades didn’t sound like he thought Zagreus would successfully be born from what other characters say. Like he had accepted he wasn’t going to have a family of his own, and the surprise survival of Zagreus has made him even more tentative nd cautious just in case he lets this little bean into his life only for him to murder him or die completely all over again.

A telling point for me is the fact that, if you die by Hades, his name does not appear on Zagreus’ records. Hades is normally a stickler for rules, and yet there’s just some part of him that will not allow it in black and white that he murdered Zagreus. Chrono’s attack on him has clearly left a deep scar, and I do wonder if this was a small signal that he doesn’t utterly hate and loathe Zagreus. I just really, REALLY hope he makes an effort in Hades II to connect with his boy, Zagreus is such a good bean and any parent would be proud of him, and Hades should make allowances for his little family.

I’ll probably turn this into a proper essay with citations at some point but I wanted to get some feedback and discussion from people who know the game better than me.

[sickbonezg]

Halloween

First fic. and since it's close to Halloween I thought I'd give Gee a stomach ache.

SUMMARY: Gerard eats too much Halloween candy and Frank gives them tummy rubs. WARNING: Gee pukes a lot in this fic - if that's not your gig the back button is in the corner!

PAIRING: None. Gee and Frank are just friends at this point in this fic, bc current and married.

Also, nonbinary Gerard (They/them) is in this so I guess, set in 2022-23.

RATING: **PG-13 for swearing and tummy issues. **

Gerard groaned in pain. Their belly was in agony. Frank had his birthday party and Gerard may have eaten too much candy.

"Gee?" Frank asked worriedly.

"I- my belly feels sick, Frank."

"Aw, sugar. Want me to rub it?"

Gerard nodded forlornly.

"Okay, my lord." He laughed, trying to make Gerard smile.

Gerard just whined in obvious pain.

Frank removed Gerard's Dracula costume and gasped at their round belly.

"Oh...sweetheart...no wonder you have a sick tummy! It's filled with candy and just feeling extra icky."

Gerard whined as they looked at their tummy.

"I- I...I feel so gross."

Frank cooed in sadness and started rubbing circles in their icky tummy.

"Ow...Frankie...the candy is making my belly feel so sick."

"How much did you eat?"

"Fuck if I know...my belly is all sick.."

"Gerard Arthur Way!" Frank shrieked as he looked at the *8 huge empty bags *of fun size candy bars in the trash.

Gerard moaned.

"No wonder your belly is so icky!!"

"It feels like there's a chocolate brick in my tummy!"

Gerard's stomach rumbled.

"Oh, Frank....I- I think I'm gon' - fuck, my tummy!"

"Do you feel like you need to throw up?" Frank asked gently.

Gerard nodded forlornly.

Gerard's stomach made a sound that worried Frank.

"Gee? Was that your tummy?"

"I feel sick, Frankie...."

"Do you want to go to the bathroom to puke?'

Gerard nodded, "My tummy fuckin' feels like it's gonna burst Frankie.....I don't think I will ever/ eat chocolate again."

Gerard felt their tummy rumble in pain.

"Ow, fuck!" They moaned as they pressed a hand on their queasy gut.

"C'mon. Let's go, Gee. Your face is turning green sweetheart."

Gerard stifled a belch and whined as their stomach flipped inside them.

Gerard stumbled to the toilet and Frank sat down beside them.

"Go.." They whimpered.

"Nuh-uh, Gee. Being sick is no fun - but being sick and alone is worse!!"

Gerard groaned and Frank watched as Gerard's body arched over the toilet and brown sludge spilled down the formerly pristine white Dracula shirt.

"Frank....I- I frew uhp!!" They sobbed.

"Aw baby, want tummy rubs?"

They shook their head.

"No?"

"Tummy hurts, feel queasy, Frankie."

"Gonna be sick, hon?"

They nodded.

"Ugh, my tummy's all full 'nd flipping 'side me..."

"Gerard? Do- Do you need help puking?"

They nodded tearfully.

"Okay... I- I've never made someone puke before intentionally but you're so miserable I can."

"Please.... My tummy feels so horrible, Frankie!!"

"Okay, I know this is really triggering for you Gee, but it's the only way to get that nauseous brick of chocolate out of your tummy....."

Frank pushed a hand on Gerard's stomach and put two fingers down Gerard's throat.

The singer whimpered and tears sprang from their eyes. Their stomach turned as Frank pressed on it.

A chunky belch came from Gerard as they vomited in the toilet and continued puking up brownish sludge.

Frank continued rubbing circles in their distended, aching tummy.

After thirty minutes Gerard coughed up the last dregs of vomit.

"Better?" Frank asked, smiling sadly.

Gerard shook their head, "Tummy's empty, but still hurts horribly."

"Yeah, eating 8 bags of candy and then vomiting it up is never not painful. Get some rest. I'll text Lyn-Z to bring you back home."

"Thank you..." Gerard whispered.

"You're welcome, buddy." Frank smiled as he led Gerard to the couch to lie down.

Hey, Lyn-Z. Can you come pick Gee up? They got sick from eating some candy that didn't agree with their stomach. Thanks. xofrnk

Frank put away his iPhone as Gerard whined in pain.

"Aw, is your tummy still upset?"

Gerard nodded.

"I got something for your icky tum. Just rest." Frank reassured them.

He came back two minutes later with tea.

"It's chamomile...It'll help your belly." Frank explained as Gerard whined.

"I'm... my stomach can't handle milk...makes me throw up..." Gerard said sounding absolutely miserable as they pressed a hand into their distended, sick stomach.

Frank shook his head.

"No milk?" Gerard said weakly.

Frank smiled and handed him the mug of the stomach-soothing tea.

Gerard drank a few sips as their tummy turned like a perpetual record player.

Frank's iPhone alerted him to a text.

"Lyn-Z is headed over, she's got a bin and a nice bed for you to sleep in, Gee."

Gerard didn't react as the chamomile turned their stomach inside them.

Gerard whined as they sat up.

"Gee? Oh, baby!" Lyn-Z gasped.

Gerard blinked and looked at Lyn-Z.

"Lyn-Z? My stomach doesn't feel well..."

"Too much Halloween candy in your tummy to handle?" She asked.

The nauseous groan that came from Gerard confirmed her suspicions.

"Oh, babe. Let's go home and get some medication in that sick tummy of yours!"

She led them to the awaiting car and sat down.

They drove home. Once they stopped moving, Gerard took off running to go vomit in the flowerbeds and in Bandit's Jack-O-Lantern.

Gerard gagged and vomited all of the chocolate into their daughter's jack-o-lantern.

The copious amount of brown sludge coming out of Gerard's mouth was astounding!

Lyn-Z led them inside and helped them lie down on the couch as Dawn of the Dead was on TV.

Gerard fell asleep as their stomach rumbled and tumbled inside them.

They knew they had no way to undo eating all that chocolate making them sick, but if Lyn-Z, Frank, and Bandit were around, they'd manage.

[transporttransportingtransport]

dumping mostly old writing

To clear to tumblr 👍

wait, this is so true. i realize: i am a set-up guy. i ❤️ to set things up for actions to be taken,, i dont necessarily live to complete things… i think i needed this~ this frees me

i can make myself invisible ive realized

its not the most honed skill

since it is unintentional slash goes against what i want sometimes 

but ill be learning 

(without judgement:)

what am i feeling (body, or emotion) right now?

what am i thinking 

what do i need rn

what am i doing rn?

whos really running my life RIGHT NOW? /whos in charge right now? 

Honestly I feel better in my day-to-day life this year, than ever, but Lately I've felt so much resentment and disappointment towards others (mostly coworkers/people in the media/on tv, etc, not so much close people ) . i thought it was just my saturn return and my growing pains of needing to see more of what i value reflected around me, 

but now I'm thinking its also grief, when considering how long it took to feel alright in myself, and to feel like i could take care of myself, to take care of others, and to be taken care of too. i ended a lot of intimate ties recently, which cleared up a lot of things, and I'm happy with the other humans im close with. which is new for me 

I wonder too if this rage means the majority of people around me really are so mediocre, or if theres something else going on. why am i so dissatisfied by humanity....? my mind floods with criticisms, wanting to burn everthing down: it feels like so many people grew up out of their child body but somehow stayed very fragmented in their unmet child needs, and im pissed off at it all. maybe its something in me wanting to be efficient about the amount of energy that is being thrown around all over the realms i watch

i want fame… i always rejected ideas of expterise, and “mastery” feels way off too since the things i do are things i love, not have,, 

but i have started to recognize a need to touch many. and to feel honourable and impactfullll. 

i think the era of celebrity worship is over, nd perhaps im going to be part of whats next for fame, something less individualist and isolating and deadly. 

studying, indefinitely what could not be said 

leaded legs

let me lie

one more time

we cant see our coworkers

they rook away our chairs

i went to a party 

with people and their careers

your friends 

i didnt like them much 

my hair still remembers you

floods my face when i walk by all the places you lived

things are changing

what shall we use these stirring sticks for

if you took away all the sugar 

i eat lunch at 4am

how to feel your head (or other body part) when you move your head 

while the waters still cold

I'll try to find the way

the entries to the relief 

it surrounds 

my ex used to put their hands in the roasting oven

you could say ive seen some shit

and they named me lazy 

i wouldn't be there in an emergency

you said you loved me

i said i loved you 

so did you hear Her crow in your dreams?

no, well, i can't be sure, but i do hear Her now

dont eat those berries at the bus stop

where is the friend who can out out the fire on thine head

panting white boys

headed to north on friday

i dont want to know where theyre up to,

seeing them hanging out that passenger window with eyes on me

oh st laurent, its friday 

we were too accepting of the individualism of that relationship

our time had not begun to hold us

we held no humility towards the inter dimensions that beckoned us

which was protective in its destruction. 

which is how we were readied

it wasnt lack

that built these roads

it was desire

it was never

lack of 

resources 

that built my roads 

my papa was a pagan

untouched and held

by the garden he flowers

a strange beekeeper allergic to the work