#i wasnt prepared for them to. uhh. Actually Have It lmfao

[wabblebees]

.

[ofmanywiles]

tbh ive been simultaneously distracting myself and trying to gather my thoughts and feelings for the past couple of days

i was already emotional over the fact that sj were finally coming back ~as a whole after their ‘military hiatus’, and idk in a way her death made me appreciate that theyre back and that theyre even still going after 14 years. even though i didnt have like .... ~emotional attachment to her (in that she wasnt exactly a ~bias and ngl i hadnt really been following kpop for the past few years, let alone her career esp after she left f(x)), the fact that f(x) were the first girl group that i followed right from their pre-debut kinda just really hit me. idk how to separate my thoughts. ive just been listening to sj’s album on repeat for the past two days, just enjoying the fact theyre back but at the same time worrying about how theyre coping. im glad they still have each other and theyre as close as they are. but it still worries me esp since teuk has spoken about his depression before, but also his tendency to keep his struggles to himself. but hopefully the members will be able to help each other through this difficult time.

i hope they can still feel the fans support for them. it hurts to hear that teuk had thought this would be their last comeback while preparing for the album because they seemed to be losing fans and people were moving onto younger newer bands and their last couple of releases hadnt been great successes. i guess that’s why there’s all the nostalgic references throughout the album and the whole ~newtro concept. and im glad that his mind was changed after seeing the support at ss8, but it still hurts. i mean, fine, yeah, i hadnt really been into kpop that much since maybe around 2014?? and i didnt keep up to date with their music tbch but they were one of the few groups id actually bother to think about and go back and catch up on every few months.

simply because of the fact that they were the ones who got me into kpop.

and theyre the ones who brought me back.

(well... kyu returning from military to be accurate lmao)

man.... personally its been over a decade. probably around 12 years?? all i can definitely remember is that u was the mv that really introduced me to sj and kpop, that chul in dont don reminded me of reno in ff7:advent children lmfao, but it was defo before sjm debuted, so yeah late 2007-early 2008 was when i got into kpop.

tbh the anticipation this comeback takes me back most clearly to sorry sorry. the first album i really ~waited for, the first album i bought (with multiple versions lmfao rip pocket money). a decade later, i had the same feelings of following all the build up, the teasers. obviously theres a lot More this time round, what w social media and sj returns lmao but just simply the feelings of looking forward to a comeback are the same, with an extra hit of nostalgia, and the thoughts of what ifs, couldve beens ......

actually thinking back to sorry sorry era kinda makes my heart ache. that song and album really pushed them to the forefront of kpop - not my favourite sj song but it is special simply for the success it brought them. but also it was the last time really all of them were together. maybe thats why it is so special. yeah it is overplayed, and it’s not exactly a musical masterpiece, and we mock how it was basically remade into miina and mr simple.

but the memories it holds. of the making of hallyu kings. of ot13.

and ten years later now theyre back as whole as they can be again.

and i hope that, even though the promotions aren’t going smoothly, they can have that feeling of success again, in whatever sense of the word it may be for them. it’s not been easy, these fourteen years. we still believe in u. ur fans are still here. thank you for brightening my days, with your chaos and with your music. thank you for even bringing me into kpop, despite the misgivings i have about the fandom and the industry. maybe ur not perfect, but thank you for being people, idols, a group, for others to look up to. despite all the setbacks and everything that’s been chucked at you, metaphorically, uhh literally, thank you for showing us ur perseverence and loyalty. thank you for giving me the opportunity to be ur fan, whether you are 12, 13, 15, 10, or 9, or less.

thank you for being super junior though maybe not so junior now

[swampgallows]

really feel like im gonna struggle to ever integrate into society. i struggle to chill w people my own age because a lot of them have careers n shit (i think... i guess? i dont really know actually lmao cause i dont talk to em) or theyre dating people and i cant really tell people what im up to because theyre condescending about it. “oh youre still into the rave thing huh?” yeah i’m “still into” it, sorry. you got two kids and a husband and youre living w your parents still too, that’s not a life i envy. id rather keep my ‘childish’ interests, thanks.

and i dont drink or do drugs so a lot of Adult Outings make me uncomfortable or are not right for me. and any time i want to find sober anything it becomes religious or recovery related, or it is considered exclusively for children. i have no problem being in the vicinity of alcohol but i dont want to hang w people while they’re using controlling substances because it sucks for everybody involved: they cant enjoy themselves because they feel self-conscious around me being the sober one, and then i feel bad for making them self-conscious but am also uncomfortable with them using substances around me. and of course i mean substances for the purpose of getting fucked up, not as medication. except in the case of weed which is a huge monumentally major trigger for me (whether i mentally prepare myself to be around it or not).

raves are the perfect blend for me. people who wanna get fucked up can, people who dont want to dont have to, and everybody is there to have a good time in their own way. they wear what they want, they dance how they want, and they generally dont infringe on anybody else’s good time with weird stuff like sexual advances or whatever. and if something like that is going down (like when RTC strips down and starts fucking on stage basically) you can always go somewhere else without having to sacrifice listening to the music or enjoying yourself otherwise. there’s generally outdoor areas (or people will let you in/out if it’s not the shadiest) to chill or if you need a breather, people are willing to help you, etc. i dunno raves compared to clubs or bars are vastly VASTLY superior. youd think id be able to stand the latter two since i rave all the time but i just cant (also because there is never any good music at clubs).

plus im not dating anybody and being ace is a shit and a half in terms of All of That, it’s another fuckin hang up on my perceived adulthood that im unpalatable or a freak or something is wrong w me if i’ve “gone this long” being single. sorry all the dudes who have been into me have been petulant children or massive abusive jerks and im not open enough about my bi-ness to be visible to women i dont think. either way im entirely de-sexed and this is the age where people are definitely fuckin, and fuckin with a PURPOSE. theyve all had like ten years of practice by this point (whether actually having sex or not, theyre just programmed to understand it) and so most people dont have time for a stiff like me who really doesnt give a shit about sex or ranges to even actively fucking hating it. i also havent developed feelings for anybody in a long time unless you count my tumblr crush (who im pretty sure has a partner anyway lmao and they seem pretty sexual actually so i dont think theyd, among many other reasons, give a shit about my dumb ass) and that can be really alienating too. 

my high school best friend got married yet to me i feel like the only development i’ve had since high school is Trauma and mental illness. like i developed dissociative episodes in the last few years whereas in high school i basically only had the chronic insomnia and hypnagogic hallucinations. i mean i certainly think i’ve developed AS A PERSON in HUMONGOUS strides since high school but i know people i knew then will just be like “oh you still do ‘the rave thing’ and play WoW, huh?”

like yeah, i dunno, FUCK ME for enjoying my interests. i quit wow when i needed to and im glad i did but it’s not WoW’s fault i entered a morass of suicidal depression in the years i wasnt playing. WoW had run its course at that time in my life. and at the latter end of that i was going to raves regularly, making the BEST lifelong friends i have ever had, and generally being part of something greater, part of a community that genuinely cared about me. i was working out further kinks with my ability to socialize and love and be open to people (as i will continue to do until i die) but i feel there is arguably a much larger capacity to love in me than before. so i still wear kandi, so i still wear black clothing, so i still prattle on about orcs and trolls. fuck off. at least now i dont hate myself and let myself get raped every day, at least now im not mindlessly swallowing and regurgitating actively racist rhetoric out of fear of confronting my parents’ hatred or by surrounding myself with the dregs of society, at least now i dont want to “sew up my vagina” because i detest my womanhood and the men who covet(ed) it

currently i play wow honestly like maybe twice a week. i went on a bender with diego my REAL LIFE FRIEND LMFAO (like what, stop enjoying time w your friends, it isnt grown up!) a few days ago and we played for like 6 straight hours which was pretty fuckin wild. i think about wow a LOT like TOO mcuh and all of my art recently has been wow-related but holy shit i am drawing at least 

since playing wow again (almost concurrent with when i had started my job) i did more drawing than i did in probably all 4.5 years of college, assignments or otherwise. i was drawing EVERY DAY, legitimately, even if they were just quick scribbles. and when i wasnt i was writing every single fucking day. and when i wasnt, i was READING. like FUCK me for having warcraft as a motivation to do fucking anything in my goddamn life. youre right, abandoning my interests and adopting ones i hate for the sake of appearing more adult is totally worth the mind-numbing soul-eating depression i crumble into without these silly safety nets.

like that’s all it is. it’s silly. raves are silly. video games are silly. “good luck getting laid” thanks i dont need it. “good luck finding someone who loves you” fuck you i have plenty of people who love me BECAUSE of the things i love, not “in spite” of them, not in some tongue-in-cheek “That’s our Swamp!” fashion. they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE MAKE MORE.” they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE TELL ME MORE.” they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE PLAY MORE.” (that last one is about music, not warcraft lol).

but i mean i do worry about it, worry about being “too insular” as some critical piece of shit idiot put it to the point of being unrelatable. I dont want to alienate myself from people of course, nor do i want to get so wrapped up in fantasy that i lose myself. and that’s something i was tearing myself apart about during my episode earlier, just that “I have to get off the internet” because while i think and do all of this stuff, “Me” is just sitting in my bed rotting. Even when im drawing or up at my tables mixing i know it’s still just me, in my house, sealed off from the world, and i started having panic because i was telling myself “i want to go home” over and over but i am at home, i’m in my bed, but i realized of course that home is not in this house. home is many places for me, but it’s also why im SO enthusiastic about wow again: it is home. and believe me im getting wary of just how fucking much i am eating breathing sleeping dreaming (literally dreaming) warcraft because while i dont know if i was ever “addicted” i, again, dont want to be so swept up that i forget im a person (and with dpdr that shit is way potent). that and uhh i got shit to do, but mostly... it’s not real. and i know im setting myself up for failure and heartbreak again by yearning for something that cannot exist no matter how much i set my mind and hands to create it.

i feel hurt physically by the fact that there are “only humans”. i mean there are infinite different kinds of humans, but it’s more of an existential quandary than a yearning for an orc boyfriend or something. it’s why we dream up fantastic creatures and aliens in the first place: we’re not alone in the universe, are we? are humans really the only sentient beings out there? we can’t be. we can’t be. “they” say either option—that we are, or are not alone—is equally terrifying but i dont think so. sure we might fear violence or eradication from not being alone, but to know that we are? out of everything we’ve charted and studied, that we’re it? that’s... that’s death. and of course there’s going to be heat death or whatever they say in 6 billion whatever i dont know, so whether we’re alone or not is irrelevant because it will destroy our universe and what happens when there is no universe? and so of course all of this was compounding into panic, of course, of course, jumping from a dumbass thought like “i guess im not as into overwatch because it’s sci-fi but also theyre all humans” straight into “INEVITABLE HEAT DEATH”. so like, really, does it matter that i care about wow lore more than i care about marriage?

i mean, i guess i should have a career, but i dont really know what i could be capable of doing. i dont know if it’s mental illness or discipline or what but even if like metzen himself was like “come work at blizzard!” i would still probably just collapse into a heap of worthlessness and fear. 

i dont know what i fear. i guess i fear that im wasting my time, and by spending my time in another world i dont have to worry about how im spending time in this one. and that’s really, really bad. i dont like that.

i have to make this world worth living in. i have been trying. but i havent gotten very far. in fact, i took some steps backward.

from the edge of the cliff, so... i guess that’s forward in some ways.