#i was upset a few nights ago and i thought abt this but i didnt write it out

[nonranghaes]

joshua stirs awake at the feeling of you climbing into bed. he usually does for a minute, just long enough to acknowledge your presence, and he's already shutting his eyes when you settle in. then he hears the quietest hiccup, and he's already starting to wake up.

"hey... joshy?"

even if your voice wasn't so uneven and wobbly, joshua would have known you were upset. he's never joshy to you unless you are. he's joshua when you're speaking to or about him casually, josh when you're on the phone with your mom, shua when you're tired, and my evil, pretty boyfriend pretty much any other time. joshy is when you're upset and need to say it without saying too much. he knows how much you hate talking when you just want to cry and be held.

"c'mere," he's already sitting up and opening his arms to you. "it's gonna be okay... i'm here, my love."

my love is his way of saying everything he needs to say in moments like these: i'll keep you safe and i love you and you can cry now, i've got you. it's not the only name he has for you, but you always know what he means when he drops it oh-so-casually (always so in tune with when you're starting to get upset). one instance of 'my love' is enough to tell you he'll have the car waiting if you get your coat, or he'll make up a lie to leave early if you say it back, or he'll follow your lead if you fake sick.

you take refuge in his arms, and he's already curling them around you to hold you, safe and secure as always. you let out this quiet, shudder-y breath as you finally let go and break down in his arms. if you want to talk about it, you'll talk about it when you're done. he just strokes your back, his eyes fluttering shut as he holds you through this storm.

and he'll hold you when you resurface from underneath those waves, too, sealing the action with a soft my love just to sweeten it all.

[phagodyke]

woke up feeling ruffff but took my meds and went back to bed for a while n I feel a bit better

[quirkle2]

in zombie au, what if the hypothetical situation where the gang does indeed run into Zero food supply, would zombie mob really eat either or both tome and ritsu :o (i literally laid awake last night imagining this scenario jwndjwndkwn)

oh and one more thing! i would very much like to know what goes on mob's thoughts when said hypothetical situation comes around :3

hogod . oh god i did this didnt i. i did this im so evil im so

ok. this is the evil timeline.we don't talk abt this timeline very much, it's evil. so this is prolly the only ask i'll answer abt it. warning for cannibalism, mcd, and suicide

in the not-canon hypothetical where they Do run completely out of food, mob would indeed get desperate enough to snap and lunge at one of them, and he'd go for tome first. she's less familiar, she's Not his sibling, and she's only been around for a few months

how ritsu responds to this sorta depends on the situation, but in that particular scenario from the previous ask and its tags ritsu probably Doesn't have it in him to shoot mob and he lets tome get killed. he feels like a Monster for it, but he's simply not going to kill his own brother for a girl he just met a couple months ago. he's going to choose mob every time

given that ritsu doesn't have any food for himself here, he's sorta trapped in a nightmare. if they leave after mob gets his fill, he'll feel like tome kinda died in vain, or at least smth close to it. through the fucking Raw Fear he's probably feeling after watching his brother eat another person, he's doing his best to grasp onto logic and say well we should stay here. bc that means shige will get rly well-fed. there's a perfectly good... food source right here. we shouldn't waste it

but ritsu has no food, and he literally can't resort to eating her bc that's tainted meat now. he'd just turn afterward. so they have to leave her. and that makes him so fucking upset in the grand scheme of things but rly, in the moment, he's glad to make that decision bc it means he can stop being in the same room as her corpse

now if it somehow happened Again and mob got that desperate a second time, with nobody but ritsu around? uhm.,,,,he would? i think. he would. as much as i'd love to say he wouldn't, he's a zombie. instincts takes over eventually. and then he'd wander aimlessly until exhaustion, a patrol, or starvation claims him. hashtag bad ending hashtag throwing tomatoes at the stage

to answer ur second question: after mob gets cured, in the middle of his recovery, he starts to remember bits n pieces of the journey, and while it's very fuzzy and it jumps around a lot, he Thinks there was somebody else w them at some point

so he asks ritsu. hey was there ?? anybody else with us? and like.whatthe hell do u say to that. ritsu knows that if mob knows, he'd lose his mind. he wouldn't be able to handle that. so he Has to lie, and he kinda panics and fucks it up a bit bc he says, "nah bro just us ^-^" and completely omits tome from the picture. fucked up but he panicked, okay

mob goes hm. ok. but then he remembers more. he remembers her face, vaguely, and her name, and at first he kinda chalks it up to brain weirdness in his recovery stages, but as time goes on and he gains more and more memories of this girl that ritsu claims was never there, he comes to the conclusion that ritsu Lying might be more likely

and if ritsu lied to his face about this, about a Whole Person being with them, what else is he hiding?

if mob ever did find out what exactly he did to her, or even to that man he mauls to protect ritsu in the canon timeline of this au, i think he'd lose it. he wouldn't be able to live w himself. i genuinely don't think he'd be able to go on after that

[minnieposting]

talking about ocd, hyperfixations, and loving vocaloid

minnie journal entry style post again, except this ones SUPER long lol.

a few nights ago i had a Moment of Weakness . it mightve been a withdrawal thing but i was not at my best lol, i just became really upset out of nowhere?? i was listening to some teto synthv stuff and kinda just Reminiscing on my vocaloid days ... i find myself doing that pretty frequently lately but since im not rlly hyperfixating on anything rn, vocaloid pretty much becomes my default. but im getting ahead of myself.

i get weird about my hyperfixations. when one starts slipping away it used to be so genuinely painful like i felt it so physically i would get so depressed whenever i felt hyperfixations start to slowly fade. i was always like that, but it was different with vocaloid.

 i will never be able to really describe HOW much vocaloid means to me but its litreally part of my soul. its ME. like i was sitting here trying to do exactly what i said i couldnt and guess what, i couldnt really describe it. i was really REALLY hyperfixated on it for 8 whole years straight, elementary school up to when i was around 15?  thats when my ungodly uncharted 4 hyperfixation came eating my ass .... and i remember the only reason it stopped was bc i felt too guilty abt leaving vocaloid behind I KNOW U CANT CONTROL HYPERFIXATIONS BUT MINE LITREALLY JUST STOPPED. after a specififc day of intense guilt lmfao

but yeah. guilt. whenever i leave behind a hyperfixation, i just feel SO guilty, and i dont really know why. i always feel this need to “prove” to myself that i still love a character, they still make me as happy as they used to, and i feel weird and bad if im not getting into smth as obsessively or if im not ���consuming it the correct way”. i feel like im not rlly explaining this thing well but ocd is just a nighhttttmare , it bleeds into everything and lately its been bleeding into my interests and my creativity x1000. and im just really sad about that because i feel like i wont ever be that same person again, bc im just too hyperaware BC of my ocd and i just find myself ruminating a lot. though this usually starts to become Active in my head when my hyperfixation is actually starting to go away ... lol. when im balls deep into smth i will be way too obsessed to be in my head like that!

but. all this just being context lol... i was listening to teto synthv stuff and just. i dont even remember what caused me to start getting so upset but i just started reminiscing and getting in my own head about all this. how i dont like vocaloid as much anymore and wondering if ill ever be as happy as i was back then. i hate being an adult bc being an adult means being more Aware and being aware means ocd bothering me and just. idk. I was thinking about everything. Typical rumination spiral. just started getting really sad and upset bc i was just stuck in my thoughts and thinking about how younger me would be disappointed in my current self

it didnt last very long at least, and i ended up listening to re:ng and pinnochiop. but the songs that i clicked actually ,,,,,, helped me so much. one of the songs i clicked was rainy snowdrop by re:ng, and i found myself resonating so deeply with the lyrics. like im actually a bit emotional rn typing bc i went to go look at the lyrics again and im listening to the song rn. it really picked me up and made me feel ok again. then because youre here by pinnochiop played. and just. FUCK BOTH OF THESE SONGS ARE JUST EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR IN THAT MOMENT. it reminded me that itll be okay. simple as that.

and. im only writing abt what happened a few nights ago because while i was playing future tone earlier, it just hit me. ive always been saying that vocaloid makes me feel like myself. but then i started thinking about what exactly that means. and im actually thinking about it now while i write. its like home to me. vocaloid is where ill always go to, where ill always be. i grew up with it. its never not been with me. and no matter where i end up, itll follow me and itll be okay. ocd likes to make me ruminate about the past present and future but one thing that i know for sure is that vocaloid will always be there for me. i see it in a way where its me and my kid self. and i value my inner child so much. which is a bit ironic to me, bc of the way i treat myself...

idk. vocaloid is just really grounding in general. whenever i spiral or need to be pulled back down to earth, its there, and itll always help. its just nice to have this forever thing that i love so much

[checkers-dance]

HELLO CHECKERS. IM SO FUCKING SORRY. IM HERE AGAIN JVJFNVFNVJV. listen. whenever anything tragic happens to me i feel like i need to report back to you, its a tradition to me. anyway, this actually happened a few days ago but i was so emotionally distraught and so embarrassed of myself that i was avoiding telling you about it but here i am. im sorry to you and your followers for making u read this shit but i was going through an arc.

SO ANYWAY. after the lucas apparition my dear friend rebo became suddenly obsessed with what happened. you need to understand she's relatively normie, like, she knows abt the weird shit i get up to but she knew nothing abt the enceeteeverse, i think she was deliberately ignoring it for her sanity. but the lucas apparition devastated her and i think as some sort of coping mechanism she tried to find meaning to our shared trauma. so she was wondering. why did lucas choose us. what do we have in common. for some fucking reason she got the idea to combine our discord colors and she got lilac. she then googled lilac enceetee (IM TRYING NOT TO SAY THE ACTUAL NAME BC MY ASKS TO YOU SHOW ON SEARCHES AND IF ANY NORMAL PERSON SEES THIS I WILL DIE) and apparently they released A SPECIAL VERSION OF STICKER THAT WAS LILAC???? so my friend was determined. she decided to listen to the WHOLE ALBUM. i joined her eventually. our thoughts on the music are irrelevant, but what you need to know is that at some point we started looking for clues on the lyrics and if something reminded of us a song we would jump to that song and try to find a meaning to it. we called it the nct arg. this went on for A WHILE. eventually noxia and our friend lynx and joined us and we were all just fucking around deciphering the clues.

we got so into it. and at some point we did actually find what you could call a message if you want to, except it was in all in our heads. its such a good example of the way the brain searches for pattern.

after a long search, our clues lead us to this video. i can still remember the way we were all screaming at like 1am... you need to understand that at this point i was so invested in our made up story that for one small second it didn't compute that this was a a prank. like my heart dropped to my stomach vnjfvfnvjvnjv OBVIOUSLY I IMMEDIATELY REALIZED WHAT WAS GOING ON BUT THATS HOW FAR GONE I WAS...

so the rest of the night was us trying to figure out who the fuck made the video. i was so tired at this point, so while everyone was arguing i was just looking up dumb shit on youtube. and i thought haha wouldnt it be funny if i looked up "lucas horror game." so i did. checkers.... i found a game called LUCAS THE BASEMENT. I THINK THIS IS WHAT BROKE ME. IDK WHAT HAPPENED BUT THAT GENUINELY MADE ME SO UPSET??? I FELT SO OVERSTIMULATED AND IRRATIONALLY ANGRY, ITS VERY FUNNY LOOKING BACK BUT THE HORRORS FELT SO REAL... i calmed down. sort of. and then i keep looking up dumb shit, as if i hadn't just learned what that gets me. i looked up "lucas the hedgehog" bc idk i thought it sounded funny. the first fucking result had the word STICKER in it. THIS MADE ME FEEL WORSE. I WAS SO GENUINELY UPSET NVFJNVJFVN

eventually it was revealed that it was both noxia and lynx fucking with us. i was so tired, i just left call and went to bed. but you need to understand the distress was so real to me i genuinely didnt sleep well that night. like i woke up and it felt like i didnt sleep at all. THIS IS GOING TOO FAR, IM TIRED.

anyway. do NOT listen to encee fucking tee, it ruined my life, i want to escape. i keep seeing patterns everywhere. its consuming me. i cant remember when this was but one day a mutual saw me having an enceetee breakdown and said "im starting to genuinely feel bad for you" NOOOOO JFVNJFVNNFV. im ok. im fine. lucas isn't real.

Oh ghskfkskfks I forgot abt the asks showing up in searches based on keywords, rip. Every time I get another ask like this I think the lore can't get any worse AND THEN IT DOES. I can't believe they pranked u, that's so funny but so 😭😭. Also someone should make a meme out of this w the dominoes falling and the first step is becoming obsessed w the lucas in the basement jokes and we still haven't reached the last step. Anyway thank u for keeping me updated on this, at least ur pain and confusion had a purpose (sending me funny unhinged asks abt encetee shenanigans)

[klugpuuo]

Supposedly not normal

Summary: Amitie has a question that quickly gets answered. Characters: Amitie (Puyo Puyo), Raffina (Puyo Puyo) Warnings: Self-misgendering (minor), Amitie Puyo is Transmasc, the fic goes REALLY fast but that's 50% because i am tired of problems taking five books and a movie to solve [/nm] and also if i didnt write this all down RIGHT as i thought abt it then this wouldve never gotten finished

"Hey, Raffina...?" Asked Amitie.

It was day (or rather, night) numero uno of Amitie's sleepover at Raffina's mansion-house, and Amitie had already gotten herself pretty comfortable. She and Raffina were both in their pajamas, Raffina's admittedly a lot fancier, and were laying down on Raffina's fairly large bed.

"Hm? Is something the matter, Amitie?" Raffina responded, sitting up a bit to get a better look at the other.

"Well..." Amitie thought for a few seconds on how to word it, "...Yesterday I was thinkin' to myself about stuff, and then I called myself a girl, and I started crying. Is that normal...?"

Raffina looked at Amitie as if they had just sprouted horns out of their head, but not at all unkindly

"Erm, no, it is not." Raffina said, concerned "I feel proud calling myself a girl - or rather, a woman - never upset."

"Ah..." Amitie sighed, trying their best to avoid eye contact.

"Amitie... do you think you might be, well, the opposite?" Raffina said, a bit awkwardly, "As in, a boy?"

"Huh? I mean... maybe." Amitie said slowly, thinking hard, "That.. does feel nice to say, a li'l bit."

"Hm.. Do you want me to call you that, perhaps?" Raffina inquired.

"Oh, s-sure!" Amitie blushed lightly.

"Well, then..." Raffina began, "Amitie, although you are simply a boy, you are quite a good friend of mine, and I would like to stay friends with you no matter what!"

Amitie blushed harder, smiling a bit.

"I'd like to stay friends with you, too, Raff-" They began, cutting themself off as they realized tears were falling down their face.

Happy tears.

"...Oh."

They were so happy.

He was so happy.

Raffina moved toward him a bit, worried, then he suddenly sat up and tightly hugged her, surprising the both of them.

"I..." Raffina stuttered, then recomposed herself, "I suppose, there is your answer, then.."

Amitie chuckled, then sobbed, hugging her tighter.

"Tankyouu..." He mumbled, slightly muffled as he buried himself in her sleeve.

"O-of course," She replied, hoping he didn't get snot on her sleeve and yet still holding him tighter.

Eventually, Amitie's sobbing slowed, and it was clear that he had drifted off into sleep. Raffina thought this was pretty fair, since the clock had struck midnight a few minutes ago and she highly doubted he had ever stayed up past eleven.

She sighed, and began to feel herself fall asleep as well.

Her final thought before falling asleep was simply her wondering if every day of this sleepover would be so... eventful.

[kazuhasbunny]

Ok Im back from listening to all of the songs u recommended forgive me in advance bc this is kinda long but I decided to comment on all the songs individually 😭

I can't fix you - I feel like Sister Location was the first game to mostly give the lore upfront and not make people do research ? Like you still might have to but it's more direct than the other games like with the marionette I had no idea what the deal was til I looked it up 😭 I've heard it before and I downloaded it years ago but I still absolutely love it the lyrics and the voice 🙏🏻 the way it gets kinda quiet and sad but then goes back to being louder and aggressive 👌 I'm abt to go play it on loop lmao

I got no time - I really like this one, if I remember correctly some people say it's probably about the crying child and it probably is which makes it sadder I felt so bad for him

:( that must've been scarring also the fact that the phone guy (I believe it was another phone guy) says that it's amazing how humans can live without their frontal lobe ??? Omg poor child :/

Die in a fire - The kids' spirits or whatever all being there after the animatronics are broken...aaaahhh I love all these songs so much 😭

Join us for a bite - I don't even know what to say bc I can't explain it but I love this one so much 😭 along with I can't fix you it might be one of my faves I just love the vibe baby and Ballora have it's so sad yet sweet? I feel bad for baby but the way she talks about the day she killed Elizabeth is so ugh she sounds like she was so happy but then that happened 😞

Stay calm - I love the repetitiveness of it if that makes sense?? Like obv they're gonna repeat it a few times but i rly like the vibe when they do + I love how the animatronics each have their own voice too 💀 I forget Foxy was supposed to be a pirate sometimes lmao

Five more nights - Omg I remember when I first saw Balloon Boy I thought he was so cute ☺️ then he turned into that monstrosity lmaoo I remember when I was first going through my fnaf phase I watched this one vid (not this song btw) but every time he showed up youtube would crash and it was just ??? I also had no idea what Marionette's relevance was until I did some research and found out it was Henry's daughter's spirit that possesses it and it sounds sad bc Marionette was made to protect her as far as I'm aware going by the canon voice lines and theories, I like the fact that they put both the discarded versions of the animatronics and the new ones! Kinda weird that they removed Chica's beak when she's a literal chicken but whatever 😭 phone guy omg the memories..."they get a bit quirky at night" 💀

The Bonnie song - I really liked it tbh I like the newer versions of the animatronics (like in Sister Location and Security Breach) but at the same time I feel like the old ones gave it a much creepier vibe bc they didn't have the same shine ? It's a good song the broken Bonnie (idk what it's called) reminds me of a toilet seat 👩🏻‍🦯 I'm kinda upset they didn't have Bonnie or Foxy in SB bc I loved them so much a few years ago 😭

can i smooch u maybe😢😢 this literally made me tear up ur explanation is so cool………… and so detailed……. made me feel better about how i always go insane over these 😢 but yes omg sl gave off most of the lore tbh.. u didnt have to really look into it that deep thats why i love it sm 🔥

YEA OMG i got no time is crying child’s song and it made me cry the first time i heard it cause he died in such a painful way… boy got the bite of 83 😢😢 ik it was scarring for him since he was literally afraid of animatronics.. so his death hurt me the alot

i also lovee join us for a bite 😢 the change of music and also tone on certain times just fits so well one times its sad and then it just turns happy again..

TRUEE the lines being repeated did caught me off guard at first until the animatronics started singing omg i love that part sm how they all have their own voices JSNSHW its so sillay and also cute BYE

BALLOON BOY SCARED ME NOOOSHJSW its design just… makes me cry it reminds me of something but i cant clearly make out what… it was… and yes marionette lore 😢😢 i love how she’s like. protect the dead children (i believe?? because in fnaf 3 in the minigames..) i cant believe henry’s daughter got killed though pls it hurts so much. william u crazy .. and true omg chica without a beak PLS why did she look like that 😭😭 goodnight HSNSW also the animatronics get a bit quirky at night. bye. what an iconic line

OMG SAME idk the old animatronics just … scared me alot 😢😢 thats why i didnt slept for the whole night because of freddy fnaf behind my back when i’m taking food from the fridge NIOO or or when i go pee 😓 dont fnaf on me i beg of u. PLSS THE BONNIE TOILET NOOOJDGW😭 i thought the same aswell no wonder i kept laughing ok i feel bad now 💔 so mean.. AND TRUE NOOOOO yk i was so happy to see bonnie again when i saw bonnie bowl in the trailer… just to not see him at all?????? cried so hard. where’s my oomf bonnie and foxy..😢 foxy would fit in the daycare theatre tbh because how he is a pirate and like. was made to entertain aswell since the beginning??? so not including him was ☹️☹️ crying

this how i look after nerding out the whole ask (insane)

[littlebigafterdark]

I'm feeling in a particular mood for some more Logan stuff, (totally not my comfort character who unfortunately is a medium for a lot of angst /s) so maybe the almost-relapse?

the littles accidentally trigger logan's ED (janus and patton help him thru it)

This is a copy pastd from a really long message i sent to liv a few weeks ago, just in case the grammar is weird or somethin!

oOo

context: whenever roman is a brat and refuses to eat dinner, logan gets noticeably more frustrated than with any other bratty behaviour because it hits too close to home to his eating disorder

so...

one day when patton is out somewhere, maybe at his carpentry class ((thats actually slightly spoilers for a big concept for the main blog lol)), logan has both the littles

and roman is bratty and refuses to eat dinner and logan breathes evenly and tries not to worry abt it bc he KNOWS roman always eats, hes just doing it to be annoying, breathe, he isnt actually restricting its ok

and logan was literally holding the baby fork up to vees mouth and suddenly she giggles and pushes it away

"come on baby, yummy time" logan coos and smiles a little but he doesnt feel it, and with his other hand he tickles lightly under vees chin and she giggles and logan smiles and goes to feed her again

but she pushes the fork away and babbles "mo bima!"

and roman laughs "yeah, no dinner! no dinner!" and bounces

and logan is feeling rlly shaky and hot suddenly and swallows thickly and ignores roman, and keeps looking at vee "princess, please open up," trying not to pay attention to how shaky his voice is. "its papa's spaghetti remember? yummy" he nods enthusiastically and goes to feed her again

but again vee just giggles all squeaky and pushes the fork away and looks at roman with a big smile for his approval. and roman is like "yeah vee! rebellion!!!" still so playful

but he hasnt noticed logans chest is heaving a little and hes staring at where vee pushed the fork away and logan was too shaky not to drop it on the floor.

and he looks up at vee and how small she is and how shes genuinely on the lower end of average weight and they need to make sure she doesnt dip down into underweight and thinks about how terrified he is of the idea that if she did develop an ED like he did it would be so dangerous and he cant see his baby go through that and-

it just hits him so so so harshly and hes suddenly crying and roman and vee freeze and look at him. and he hurriedly wipes away his tears and breathes shakily and tries to say again

"vee pl-please just ea--" and his throat closes up, he cant even say the word 'eat' and he gags on his tears and jumps up from his chair to run out to the downstairs bathroom and locks himself in trying to calm down and stop gagging.

and he can hear vee crying and roman - adult now - promising her its okay, mama feels a bit sicky but everythings okay, lets phone nana, its ok baby

and logan is breathing too fast and shaking and crying with his back against the bathroom door, not gagging anymore, but unable to take himself outside

. he hears roman feeding vee, and vee giggling and clearly enjoying the food, but no matter how comforting that is to hear he cant get over that genuine terror he felt when vee refused to eat, its his worst nightmare for vee to develop disordered eating - for any of them, but vee is already very thin and it could be critical, and logan cant get over that

when janus arrives (barely ten minutes later, he must have jumped in the car straight away which is only used for emergencies bc of janus' partial blindness) he speaks quietly to roman, and of course theyre trying to be subtle

but the kitchen is only across the hall from the bathroom and logan hears every word of roman explaining what happened and how confusing it was and how patton wont be home for another forty five minutes and roman didnt want either vee or logan to be alone but they probably shouldnt be around each other right now since vee gets so upset when the others arent happy

roman tries to talk to logan first through the bathroom door, apologising for misbehaving and promising he wont do that again. but can logan tell him what exactly was so bad about it this time? so roman can not do whatever it is in future.

but logan cant bring himself to say anything. he cant tell roman about this at least not yet he hasnt felt ready yet even if its been years and he doesnt know if he ever will be ready to tell roman about his ED

so after realising logan wont talk to him, roman swaps with janus. janus doesnt know the details but he knows theres something about logan and eating and hes made an educated guess from all the fibs hes heard over the years.

"hey, dic" (janus' unsavoury nickname for logan that he insists is just short for dictionary) "do you need a glass of water?"

logans throat is actually dry from hyperventilating and he says with a quiet scratchy voice through the door "yes please"

and when janus brings it to the door he just knocks gently and when logan opens the door to accept it janus doesnt make any comment on logans messy hair where hes run his hand through it or on his glassy red rimmed eyes or on the tremble of his fingers. but he does say "i know it must be so cozy in there" he nods to the cramped cold bathroom "but you might just prefer it in your room"

logan flushes a little and nods, comes out of the bathroom and heads to the stairs, but he pauses at the bottom of the stairs thinking... he doesnt know if he can be trusted alone upstairs. theres another bathroom up there and the gagging has made his stomach churn and he feels FULL from dinner and if only he emptied it then maybe he would feel better right? .... no

so he rasps without turning back to janus "i... i cant be alone"

"look behind you, idiot" janus says and its far closer than logan remembered him being.

he whips his head round to see janus was following closely behind him. janus raises a pierced eyebrow "well, are we going to stand in the stairway all night?" and of course its snarky but its soft too

so logan breathes deeply and they go upstairs to his room. janus makes himself at home, immediately grabbing a book from logans book case and collapsing sideways in logans armchair as soon as they stepped in the room. logan reclines on his bed and sips his water and does breathing exercises and tries to not feel humiliated about this breakdown

every time logan tries to apologise for disturbing janus' evening (he didnt) or asks if janus is sure roman is grownup enough to look after vee appropriately (he is) or insists that he is okay to be left alone now (he's not) janus just murmurs "shut up im reading"

when patton gets back roman just tells him logan isnt feeling good and patton hurries up to see him - and upon seeing his husband logan is overcome by shame that he almost relapsed and relief that his best friend is here and a wave of tears that he tries and fails to blink away

and janus just quietly bids them good night and promises he'll stay a couple hours to keep roman and vee company, but patton insists he stays the night in pattons room (its not safe for him to drive in thr dark) and janus is used to this routine by now that he knows where the spare pillows are

so janus leaves quietly and logan croaks "thanks, old man" trying to sound casual but regretting it when his voice shakes. janus just holds up a peace sign and closes logans door behind him on the way out.

as soon as the door closes logans face crumples and he hides his eyes behind his arm and patton practically bounds over to logan and climbs onto bed next to him and cradles logans head to his shoulder as he cries

they stay like that, cuddling in bed, patton cradling logans head and kissing the nape of his neck and wrapping his arm around logans waist to spoon him and whisper about what happened and how they can avoid it in future

but mainly they just breathe and cry together and patton fills the hours with soft affirmations of love and getting logan a tea and promising its okay if logan wants a cookie with it but logan says maybe later (later turns out to be 2:30 in the morning but at least it really was later)

they barely sleep that night but its all comfort and talking and by morning despite being exhausted, logan feels safer and breakfast goes by without a hitch

oOo

just some notes me and liv made that i think highlights some main points:

logan struggling so much even when he knows that the kids are just playing around and they don't really mean that they don't want to eat, but it's just one of those things that inevitably hits too close to home

it just suddenly hit him! like any other day he can cope with roman doing that, its a small blip usually, but the fact that VEE started refusing food freaked logan out so much bc they genuinely have to keep an eye on her weight just bc shes naturally so small

his emotions about his history with an ED plus his overprotective mama cg space making him nearly go into a panic attack from the thought that vee could develop an ED is very sad and very true

and janus coming right away!! and he and roman handle the siatuation so well, like roman was so smart knowing not to leave logan alone, and janus calling him dic and taking him to his room and staying there until patton gets back

and him crying from just seeing patton because he's his best friend and he can be vulnerable around him is very :'c <3

hes so so relieved to see patton but theres also the slightests "ive let my husband down" bc he thinks bc patton helped him so much he owes it to patton to not relapse - but of course pat reassures him its natural to relapse but he didnt! he caught it in the early stages and asked for help and patton is never disappointed in him

he caught it!!! he caught it and he stopped himself and he let himself be helped by both roman and janus and patton and he didn't even relapse!! and this whole thing is really a sign of how far he's come that he was able to accept their help in his vulnerable state, even if roman and janus didn't have the full story, they still wanted to help him through whatever he was experiencing

[stateofirrelevancy]

.

[kosmicdream]

On a possible light note....did Simon ever get that spike dick???

Uh YEAH. for like.. what.. 20 solid years???? then on and off during the 30 years that followed. Knife and Spoon didn’t live together anymore during those last 30, tho.. But, they’d have a tumultuous secret confusing drama romance. Like..Sometimes Knife would just show up in Spoon’s apartment!!! at 3 am after giving Spoon the cold shoulder for like 3 weeks. This was both terrifying annoying and terrifyingly erotic for spoon, he was conflicted.

LET ME TALK IN DETAIL ABOUT SPOON AND KNIFE’S RELATIONSHIP THAT U PROBABLY DIDNT ASK FOR HEY-O.. ITS VERY LONG.. and detailed.. idk i just wanted to talk i guess

See like. the thing that happened… the MANY things that happened.. is that Spoon wasn’t kicked out of the apartment at -first.- He really tried to give it a shot… after being threatened.. But.. he couldn’t stop himself from being, bad. At the whole.. Being around a kid thing. Altho fork at first, was more of a weird pet furball dog?? Who was violent and like, Spoon had no patience for discipline. What made it worse is that Knife straight up wouldnt ever allow kissies and stuff around the kid. And they barely had any privacy cuz fork would just show up in bed!!!!!! so like. Spoon was almost 24/7 vibrating with lack of not only sexy touchies but also regular affection couple touchies. It was only for SPECIAL private times and that was really difficult w/ a hyperactive kid that is constantly getting into trouble. So for Spoon, It was a little unbearable…

His brain would be just firing off sexy scenarios CONSTANTLY which made knife be like CAN YOU NOT THINK ABT THIS.. ALL THE TIME because, knife’s basically a telepath. but spoon just couldnt not think about it. and then to make it worse is that Fork seemed to be able to sense Spoon’s feelings too and like. That freaked Knife out a lot. He did not want that around Fork.And like.. Spoon understood that a bit…kind of.. That he was a bit much. So he agreed to move out. He tried to make it seem like he wasnt being forcefully kicked out but it still kinda was because he wasnt allowed back without Knife’s approval. Knife also didn’t like to listen to Spoon’s opinions on how to raise the kid. So it made Spoon feel more like he was not involved anyway. Spoon was angry at knife like why did u even want me here in the first place huh?

And at that point their relationship was so vague, weird, Spoon didnt know if he was in the process of being dumped or maybe he had already been dumped and like.. he was so upset.. Anyway, Spoon started to sleep around because he could not handle the lack of attention anymore. He and Knife were very like.. exclusive? Romantically/Sexually.. And well. Knife didn’t appreciate this. He inferred it as cheating even tho they were sort of on “break.” Spoon felt very guilty over it but he tried to make his case that he made it very clear he wasn’t able to … do this!!!! be so exclusive while also not getting enough attention!!! Long distance flirting texting random nightime or office hookups are fine but it was always determined by Knife’s schedule and Knife’s schedule is random, incoherent and vague as fuck.

The thing that Spoon was always confused about is that Knife, the most serious about his rules and forgives no one, always.. kinda let.. Spoon get away with things that he thought never would..fly? like.. Basically Cheated on Knife by sleeping w/ other people.. yet.. Knife didnt cut Spoon out of his life. He’d get upset n not talk to him for a while but then theyd go back to talking every day, all day (They texted a lot even after Spoon moved out.)  N knife would try to adjust things abt their relationship while also not .. expressing why he felt hurt about certain things and that made it difficult for the healing to actually HAPPEn because spoon could not get him to directly open up, just would have to read between the lines to discern how Knife felt.. n Knife would apologize abt not being able to say things. then Spoon would be like well!!! its really me who should be apologizing! im the one who fucked up. hahaha.

But he couldnt. He didn’t know how, still. (That’d be the closest thing he could do besides pointing out how bad he was all the time.)

…..There’s a lot more to this part of the story, but I’ll save it for the comic.

Knife/Spoon were still very much a couple even tho they had difficult barriers between themselves (and living separately) for those 30 years following Fork’s arrival. Spoon wasnt exclusive to Knife w/ his sex life anymore but he still didnt.. even get crushes on anyone else. Cash was p much the closest thing because he grew to care abt her a lot.. but they were just best buddies.

Knife seemed to have no one else.  (Did he? who knows…) Once Fork got old enough he would try to get dates for Knife b/c he could tell his dad was incredibly lonely but, Knife was Knife and didn’t like anyone. He only wanted Spoon. He spent many nights laying in bed alone and with his hand patting the empty space next to him and wondering when Spoon would just officially move on to someone else. Part of him probably even wanted Spoon to do that, because it would be “better” for Spoon. But that feeling would also make him sick.

As Fork got more independent he felt more and more useless as his caregiver and wondered how he could piece his romantic life back together w/ his special person, knowing it could never be how it used to be. Wanting to just go back to how it was, somehow, While still including his new life in it. Knowing that he didnt know how to juggle his new insecurities and jealousy involving Spoon. He didn’t really know how to feel attractive anymore.. that was weird again. (it always is a bit weird but now it was just bottom of the barrel.) Spoon had so many friends now, maybe even more than he did before. He was popular around the office and Knife didn’t even bother doing his laundry anymore, now that Fork moved out too. Then Spoon would comment on that (with concern but also kind of teasing) and he’d feel embarrassed and sulky and go mope on the roof like a brooding anime guy. He didn’t even know why he was there. He felt useless to Fork and Spoon. He couldn’t even ask his own dad for advice because the dude mentally evaporated hundreds of years ago and there was No way he was going to ask Cash for help. Especially when Spoon was currently fucking her!!! lol!!! He fucking hates that robot, honestly. That has never ..changed in all this time.

Fork saw the signs better than Spoon did. He tried to push Knife to talk abt them and would show up at Knife’s place to cheer him up. Hed even stay over a few days and suggest living w/ Knife again. But Knife didn’t want that either. and it was extra awkard whenever Fork wanted to bring ppl over cuz Knife Didnt Like Noisy Company At All. So Fork had to just respect his NotmyDad’s wishes and give him space. Fork even tried to ask Spoon about ti and Spoon was mostly offended that Fork somehow could tell “something was up” as if FORK knew KNIFE better than him. Excuse me?????????? Fuck you Ill always hate you stupid hairball who ruined my life flips a desk kicks a foot stomps out of the room bitterly

Fork: SOMEONE JUST! LISTEN ! TO! ME!!! HELP! ME HELP! KNIFE!OR HELP KNIFE! SOMETHING DAMN IT!

Then Knife… vanished and Fork was like shit I knew it and Spoon unraveled .. and unraveled……..and eventually Boom’d as more reports came in that he was likely dead. Bad bad times.

BUt hey as we all know Knife is actually alive so let’s see how this all turns out huh?

[sxdomy]

All

1:Is there a boy/girl in your life? yes, lars (:
2:Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them? the last person who hurt me so much my whole life almost fell apart? yes
3:What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?” cat
4:What’s something you really want right now? lars
5:Are you afraid of falling in love? no, i'm in love
6:Do you like the beach? no
7:Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else? no
8:What’s the background on your cell? "it always seems impossible until it's done." -nelson mandela
9:Name the last four beds you were sat on? mine, my sister's, my nephew's, and my parent's prob??
10:Do you like your phone? yes
11:Honestly, are things going the way you planned? yes
12:Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts? the manager @ my new job
13:Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler? rottweiler
14:Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? emotional
15:Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? zoo
16:Are you tired? no
17:How long have you known your 1st phone contact? it was probably a family member so my whole life lmao
18:Are they a relative? yeah
19:Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes? i have none
20:When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with? literally 5 sec ago
21:If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? i would wait i feel young
22:Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? yes
23:How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now? eight
24:Is there a certain quote you live by? "if you never break, you'll never know how to put yourself back together..." -real friends
25:What’s on your mind? lars
26:Do you have any tattoos? no, but i want some
27:What is your favorite color? black
28:Next time you will kiss someone on the lips? whenever i see lars again
29:Who are you texting? lars
30:Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch? no
31:Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right? yes
32:Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? yes
33:Do you think anyone has feelings for you? lars
34:Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? yes
35:Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you? well, if i had no idea who the person was then i'd be pissed
36:Were you single on Valentines Day? yes.. this v day hopefully not 
37:Are you friends with the last person you kissed? no, we are dating
38:What do your friends call you? brett, bread, brettzee, beret
39:Has anyone upset you in the last week? no
40:Have you ever cried over a text? yes
41:Where’s your last bruise located? cant say i know
42:What is it from? idek
43:Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad? months ago 
44:Who was the last person you were on the phone with? lars
45:Do you have a favourite pair of shoes? my docs
46:Do you wear hats if you're having a bad hair day? i own none
47:Would you ever go bald if it was the style? i've thought abt going bald for yrs
48:Do you make supper for your family? sometimes
49:Does your bedroom have a door? yes thank fuckin god
50:Top 3 web-pages? porn site, school website, google
51:Do you know anyone who hates shopping? idts
52:Does anything on your body hurt? no
53:Are goodbyes hard for you? depends
54:What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself? dr pepper
55:How is your hair? soft, shiny, black, and clean
56:What do you usually do first in the morning? check the time
57:Do you think two people can last forever? yes
58:Think back to January 2007, were you single? yes, i was eight yrs old
59:Green or purple grapes? purple
60:When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug? next time i see lars
61:Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? in lars' bed
62:When will be the next time you text someone? prob in a sec when lars responds
63:Where will you be 5 hours from now? in my bed
64:What were you doing at 8 this morning? sleeping
65:This time last year, can you remember who you liked? yes
66:Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? lars
67:Did you kiss or hug anyone today? no ):
68:What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? lars
69:Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? yes.. recently no
70:How many windows are open on your computer? my computer is shut off so idk
71:How many fingers do you have? ten
72:What is your ringtone? marimba
73:How old will you be in 5 months? eighteen
74:Where is your Mum right now? her rm
75:Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love? we got into a huge fight and havent spoken since
76:Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? no
77:Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago? some, yes
78:Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7? i had a crush on like 20 different ppl in that one yr alone
79:Is there anyone you know with the name Mike? yes
80:Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? almost in lars'
81:How many people have you liked in the past three months? a few
82:Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days? yes
83:Will you talk to the person you like tonight? yes
84:You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with? a friend
85:If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care? no.. as long as theyre safe abt it
86:What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie? someone told me to put my phone away, and i didnt
87:Who was your last received call from? lars
88:If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you? no
89:What is something you wish you had more of? $$$
90:Have you ever trusted someone too much? yes
91:Do you sleep with your window open? if it's hot, yes
92:Do you get along with girls? some
93:Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? no
94:Does sex mean love? it can
95:You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem? i would fuck him LMAO
96:Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring? no
97:Did you sleep alone this week? yes
98:Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you? yes
99:Do you believe in love at first sight? no
100:Who was the last person that you pinky promise? cant remember