#i was trying to find information about some appointments i had a couple years back and stopped to read my eds evaluation

[bambiraptorx]

that trope where it's someone exploring the depths of an ancient or massive library and finding information that shocks them to their core except it's me reading my medical records and seeing a diagnosis i didnt know about

[copperbadge]

How did you find the doctor(s) who assessed you for ADHD? Im looking into the process of getting diagnosed because (although ive suspected I might have adhd for years now) I've been struggling a lot more lately and i want to try medication to see if it helps at all. Im trying to search for psychiatrists through my health insurance portal but the the results im getting are all for child/adolescent psychiatry specialists, and I dont think that'll be much help for an adult adhd assessment? Did you have an established therapist to refer you for your assessment or were you able to find a psychiatrist independently?

I actually just kind of had to freeform it, but that does mean I have some tips to share!

I will say, I have never once used a health insurance portal to find someone to treat me for anything. Often their search engine is fucked up and the information is sometimes out of date. I almost always either ask someone who I know has had similar issues if they have a recommendation, ask my treating physician if I have one, or just google until I find someone reputable-looking; any qualified medical center or professional will list what insurance they take anyway, and you can always ask when you make the appointment.

So here's the process for how to do that!

When I was first considering it, I asked a friend who'd had an evaluation that came back not-ADHD, which I liked because it meant we knew it wasn't like, a weird Adderall pill mill or something. I really wanted to have a professional and thorough evaluation because I knew myself and knew I was capable of gaming a questionnaire. The place she had her evaluation was unfortunately having some staffing issues; part of the reason it took me so long is that I played phone tag with them for ages -- I'd call, and regardless of what time of day I called, their scheduler would be "out", so I'd leave a message and never get a call back. Ultimately I said "I really need to talk to a human, because your scheduler has not returned any of my numerous calls" and they said they could transfer me to another office outside of Chicago (in the burbs). That was not going to be accessible to me, so I told them thanks but I'll go somewhere else. Then COVID hit and I was not going to go anywhere near a medical center unless I had to for about two years.

So, when I was making my second serious run at getting evaluated, I did what might be expected of me by longtime readers of this blog: I made a spreadsheet.

I want to caveat this up top with REALLY IMPORTANT CONTEXT: I did not do all of this in a single day. The process from starting research to making an evaluation appointment took about a month, and probably would have taken longer if I wasn't getting somewhat desperate. Do not push yourself to do this as a single act. Research alone is a multi-day process; some days I looked at the open tabs and only entered one tab's worth of information. It took me quite a bit of time to write the form email I sent inquiring about an assessment. It took me time to call the clinic back when they asked me to call to book the appointment. This is a series of steps, not a single leap.

So!

I was looking for a clinic rather than an individual, in part because I'd heard a couple of horror stories about people who went to a psychiatrist and just got argued with for an hour instead of actually getting evaluated. So I googled, and here are some key terms for you, chicago adult adhd assessment. Chicago obviously for the region, but "adult adhd" (putting it in quotes will help) is the important term that will help you filter out a lot of child psych stuff. A lot of what I looked at did included family or child assessment/therapy but were clear that they also evaluated adults.

Then I went through every legit-looking search result and noted down, in my spreadsheet, the name of the clinic/company, the contact phone and email, the URL, the physical location (I needed to be able to get to it fairly easily) and whether they took my insurance. Even if they didn't take my insurance (all but one did) I still put them into the spreadsheet so that if I found them again I could check the sheet and know I didn't need to investigate further. I also tended to bump more legitimate and friendly-looking places to the top of the sheet. And if I were going to do it again I would also look for one specific thing, which is an assessment guide of some kind.

The assessment guide may be something they only give you after you speak with them, so it's not a no-go if they don't have one on their website, but it basically tells you what generally will go on during the assessment, how long it will take, and what you should bring. A full assessment like I had is estimated to take 4-6 hours and they recommended I wear layers so I wouldn't be overly cold/warm in their office, and to bring a snack. That's the kind of information you want, duration of the assessment and what they recommend for you, to ensure that you're working with people who are thorough and care about your comfort.

So, I have this spreadsheet now of places to reach out to, which I know take my insurance and do adult assessment. In the spreadsheet I also had columns for what date I contacted them and whether they'd responded. I started reaching out via email, one per day, with the form email I'd written.

The form email basically said "I'm 42 with no previous diagnosis but I have a family history of autism and dyslexia. I've been told I should get assessed for ADHD, so I'm looking for a clinic that will do the assessment and takes (my insurance). I prefer to be contacted by email but if need be, my phone number is (phone number). Please let me know if you have any open appointments and what information you will need from me to book an evaluation with you." (You can always ask for more information about the actual evaluation process once they respond.)

If I didn't get a response within 24 hours, I moved on to the next, but I only greyed out the text in that line of the spreadsheet; I didn't disqualify/remove the nonresponsive ones because again, I wanted to make sure I kept that information in case they eventually did respond. I did this with about ten clinics, because I figured I must be able to find at least one in ten who could do the eval, and I could go back and research more if necessary.

I think the third or fourth one I reached out to was the first to respond, and I ended up going with them; I had a very positive experience in the assessment itself but it was a real pain in the ass getting the documentation from them -- they took about a month to go through the evaluation data (this is not abnormal but is rather longer than usual according to my psychiatrist) and they gave me an in-person-by-zoom report once it was ready. That said, it took another four months and the threat of reporting them to the state to get them to send me the text of the eval (in part because the evaluator left the clinic unexpectedly with my formal report not yet written). But that's something that's truly impossible to know until you're working with them, and highly unusual, so don't let concerns about that deter you. If you end up in that situation come hit me up and I'll tell you how I dealt with that.

My eval recommended an executive function coach, but if I haven't been able to func it by now I never will, so I thanked them for the recommendation and went looking for a psychiatrist unaffiliated with the clinic to prescribe me meds. There, the key words you're going to be looking for are again "adult adhd" but also "adult disability" and if you want medication that's less likely to be a huge fucking hassle, "medication management". My psychiatrist and I meet every two months to reup my prescription, but he doesn't require me to take a regular drug test or meet him in person in order to get a new scrip, as some people have encountered. We meet in person once or twice a year (I can't remember, it's due to a legal requirement in Illinois) but otherwise it's over zoom.

So yeah -- it's a process, but there are ways to streamline and manage it, and a few tripwires in place to make sure you don't end up screwed by the system. Definitely feel free to ask if you have questions, either here or if you want a more indepth conversation you can email me at copperbadge@gmail.com. GOOD LUCK!

[creambunnie]

Noona!!!!!

ZEROBASEONE - Park Gunwook X You

Fluff Angst

Enjoy~~~~~~~~

You took the book that you had been searching for and couldn't help but flip through the pages as you walked back to your table.

The library was quite empty so you didn't expect to accidentally bump into someone who was walking from your right with a stack of books.

The two of you stumbled from the force, and the guy's books were scattered.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't looking where I was going". The guy apologised as he picked up his books one by one. You were a bit guilty because you were also not looking.

You helped him pick up the last book and handed it to him. Instead of taking it, the guy blinked a few times and stared at you with an amazed face. You were in a rush so you gave an awkward smile and put the book on the top of his stack.

You then returned to your table. You were scanning the pages for the information that you need for your research when suddenly the chair opposite you was pulled.

You looked up and saw the guy earlier. He smiled cutely before comfortably placing down his things on your table and had a seat. You scratched your forehead.

"Uhh, do you need any help?"

The guy shook his head.

"I'm Gunwook, and you are... the most beautiful person I've ever met!"

Before you could reply, he cut you off.

"Oh! Are you also a Psychology student?" Gunwook guessed right looking at the books you were reading.

You only nodded. His smile brightened and he looked like a happy puppy. "Me too!!!! But I don't think we have any classes together?"

"What year are you in?" You finally got to ask.

"I'm actually in my first year! It's my first semester so I'm a bit lost on a lot of things so here I am, trying to figure things out by reading the books the professors recommended! How about you?"

You sighed. "I am..... way too old for you to be interested in."

Gunwook wasn't phased by your answer.

"Noona?"

You felt goosebumps all over your body when he called you that.

"I'm in my final year and I'm graduating soon."

Gunwook's eye sparkled. "You're so cool! It's not a problem because I am into older women!"

You closed your book as you couldn't concentrate anymore at this rate.

"But I'm not into younger guys".

Gunwook pouted and did some calculations in his mind.

"Aren't we only like 3 years apart??? That's not much of a difference, is it?"

"Look kid, we just met each other for the first time. There are other beautiful girls who might be interested in you."

"But I'm only interested in you, Noona! Even though it's our first encounter, I've never felt anything like this before! It's love at first sight!"

You scratched your cheek this time. You really didn't know what to do. He was cute you had to admit it. Gunwook was kind of your type too. But he was a bit too young for you.

"I am interested in mature guys. You know, guys who are more socially aware and empathetic."

Gunwook quickly sat up and changed his expression into a more serious one.

"Then I'll do my best to be just like that!"

You chuckled at his cuteness and determination. You checked the time and started packing your things.

"Sorry Gunwook, I have an appointment so I'm going first. Goodluck on reading up your materials."

Gunwook changed back to his cutesy expression and nodded like a little kid. You chuckled again and walked away.

The next couple of days which turned into weeks, Gunwook would always find a way to greet you on campus. Since you were in the same department, it was easier for him to see you.

At first you tried to avoid him, but after a while, it was pointless because Gunwook would whine and cling onto you more. You were getting used to his presence and sometimes even looked forward to meeting him during your stressful semester. He was still carefree as ever.

You sighed as you came out of your supervisor's office. You thought your final year project was going well but getting a strict supervisor made you extra stressful.

"Noona!!!!!!" You heard his voice from afar. Gunwook ran towards you with a bottle of strawberry milk.

"Here I got this for you!"

You smiled lightly as you felt a bit cheered up by having Gunwook here.

"Thanks.."

Gunwook frowned and leaned down to your eye level. Your heart skipped a beat.

"Noona.. Are you okay? You look sad."

You quickly turned your face away from him to hide your embarrassed face.

"Uhm, it's just about my final year project.. My supervisor is very particular about certain details and I just can't help but feel like all the things that I've done so far is useless."

Gunwook hummed as he thought of what to say.

"If you'd like, I could help you out!! Let's go to the library together!!"

You chuckled and shook your head. You patted his shoulder and started walking.

"It's fine, I want to take a break from the project and clear my head first."

Gunwook grabbed your wrist and pulled you to the other way.

"That's great!! I was just about to invite you to watch my soccer match!"

You were confused but let him drag you anyway.

"Hmm? What if I had agreed to go to the library with you earlier?"

Gunwook only smiled cutely and continued walking.

"You know I would always fix my schedule to match yours so no need to worry about deciding anything, okay?"

AHHHHHHHHHHHH you were seriously about to fall for his sweet talk.

Gunwook led you to the front row seats.

"I have to go change, don't forget to cheer for me later on okay!" He quickly went to the back with his teammates.

You were not much of a sports person but watching Gunwook play with a big smile on his cute face made it fun. He also looked good in his sports attire.

After a few tries, Gunwook finally goaled a score. He cheered with his teammates and combed his hair back with his hand. You gulped at the sight and quickly looked away when Gunwook made eye contact with you. Gunwook grinned at your reaction.

Gunwook's team took the win for the friendly match between students from the Psychology department.

He celebrated with his team before running towards you excitedly.

"Noona! My team won!!! So can I have your number?"

You were surprised at his sudden question but also embarrassed because his voice was loud and the people around you were waiting for your reply.

You shyly nodded and everyone waiting cheered for Gunwook.

"That's my number! Don't forget to save it okay?" Gunwook said as he gave you a call. You hummed and thought of what to save his contact as.

The two of you walked out of the campus together before separating at the front gate.

"Bye Noona! I'll text you later!! hehehe"

You shook your head in amusement as you watched his back became smaller as he ran further.

You finally lied down on your bed after finishing your house chores and taking a shower. You rolled around for a bit before checking your phone. You chuckled at the notification.

From: Cheeky Kid ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

Noona!!!!!!! Are you free this Friday?

To: Cheeky Kid ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

I need to meet my supervisor in the afternoon, so I should be free after that. Why?

You didn't even need to wait for a minute before he replied.

From: Cheeky Kid ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

Good!!! I was thinking of taking you on a date!

You couldn't help but giggle. Gunwook was always so smooth, he won't let you catch your breath.

To: Cheeky Kid ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

Hmmmm, sure I guess. Just text me the details later.

From: Cheeky Kid ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

Let's meet up at the busstop outside the campus at 3pm?

To: Cheeky Kid ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

Alright, see you.

It was finally Friday. You were a bit nervous. Not because you had to meet your supervisor, but because Gunwook specifically said it was a date.

You wore a cute floral dress and styled your hair neatly. You even picked another bag that would match your outfit but still fit your laptop.

You tried to discuss quickly about your project so you could prepare yourself mentally before meeting Gunwook. It was weird, you meet him almost everyday but today was extra nerve-wrecking.

You reached the busstop five minutes earlier. However you waited and waited. It's been 30 minutes and Gunwook had not arrived yet.

You thought maybe he had some urgent matters to attend to so he was a bit late. But 45 minutes in, you were worried. You quickly texted him.

To: Cheeky Kid ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

Hey Gunwook, is everything okay?

You waited for his reply but the message was not even delivered. After an hour of waiting, you decided to just walk back home. Maybe he really had some emergency and did not have time to text you about it.

To: Cheeky Kid ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

If you're suddenly busy, it's fine. I'll just go back first.

You chuckled bitterly to yourself. Do you like Gunwook that much that you're only thinking good things about him?

You passed by a popular internet cafe and had the feeling that you should look up. You stopped walking when you saw his familiar face, gaming with his friends.

You frowned in confusion. You took a deep breath and just continued walking, your mind were racing with so many thoughts.

"Yo Gunwook, isn't that the senior that you've been chasing?" Gunwook's eye widened as he stood up.

"Shit! What time is it now?" He took out his phone and just remembered that he switched it off earlier because his friend was call spamming him.

"Uhh 4.30pm. Why?"

Gunwook slapped his forehead and quickly took his bag.

"I need to go!!!"

His friend was confused but shrugged.

Gunwook cursed under his breath as he ran searching for you. He had walked you home once because you finished late so he knew your address.

He felt like crying when he finally saw your texts. Gunwook was guilty, he ran quite a distance but still didn't see you. As he was running, it suddenly started drizzling. He still didn't stop looking for you. He wanted to see you.

"Noona!!" He called out as if searching for a missing child.

He ran pass a busstop but quickly turned back when he realised that you were seeking shelter there.

"Noona..." Gunwook softly called as he saw your sad expression.

You looked up and took in his appearance.

Gunwook was in a simple black shirt and black jacket as if he just finished working out. He was panting from running and he was trying to wipe his wet face with his hand. He looked handsome.

"Why.. why do you always do that?" You blurted out.

You saw panic in Gunwook's eyes. He thought you were mad at him.

"D-do w-what?"

You didn't answer and just took out your clean handkerchief. You walked closer to Gunwook and helped him wipe his face. Since he was way taller, he had to bend down a bit and met you at eye level. You tried to ignore his stare as you felt your face warmed up.

"Noona.."

"Hmm?"

"I'm sorry.. I know this all might sound like an excuse but I lost track of time. My friend kept calling me asking to help him level up in his game so I switched off my phone because he was annoying. But I still went to the internet cafe and helped him, and I forgot to switch my phone back on.. I actually set an alarm for our date..."

Gunwook stopped babbling when he finally realised that you were looking straight at him with an expression that he had never seen on you before. He didn't know what it was. You didn't seem happy nor sad. You also didn't look angry. You just looked calm.

"No, Noona. I made a mistake. I must've hurt you. I am sorry for making you wait alone. I promise it will never happen again. No wait, actually I can't promise because I'm scared I would be stupid enough to repeat this same thing and I--"

Your chuckle cut him off. Gunwook was still bending down to your eye level and the urge to just kiss your lips was strong. He however refrained himself.

"Noona. Can I be your boyfriend?"

You were not surprised at his question but surprised at his sudden timing to ask.

"You always do this. You always catch me off guard."

Gunwook smiled at your answer. "So is that a yes?"

You rolled your eyes playfully and pinched his cheek softly.

"I mean, how could I ever say no to this face?"

"So you only like me because of my face?!"

You shrugged and patted his cheek.

"And if I say yes?"

Gunwook pouted and clung onto your arm.

"Nooonaaaa! I'll take it, and then try to be more mature, just like you like!"

You chuckled at his words and shook your head.

"I'm just joking. I like you just the way you are Gunwook."

Gunwook cheered cutely before leaning down to peck your lips.

You touched your lips and broke into a smile.

"Do you like me that much, Gunwook?"

Gunwook nodded with a stupid smile and pulled you into a hug.

"Noonaaaaaa!!! Good morning!!" Gunwook greeted you in front of your house. Since that day, he would walk to campus with you when your classes timing matched. If he was clingy before, he became extra clingy if that was even possible. You were glad you gave Gunwook a chance.

.

.

.

One minute of silence for this author who is attracted to Gunwook 🥲✋🏽 Hope you guys enjoyed the fluffffff!!!!

[songmingisthighs]

Wanbelyn

introduction pt. i | pt. ii | pt. iii

<< previous | m.list | next >>

ch. xxii - that's so gay

neurosurgeon!hongjoong × reader

buy me coffee ?

where love and peace is held, i never expected for this to happen. i planned and i planned, i expected, and i hoped, but it was never you. you held what i wanted hostage to make room for you, the thing that i needed but has no means of acceptance. deny me, live your best life.

From the moment you and Kijoong stepped into the gym, Kijoong immediately tried to run away from you to try one of the gym equipments. You had to wrangle the boy into your arms as you gave the front desk your information and told him that you had an appointment with the owner's son. It didn't help that the front desk dudebro was staring at you like a piece of meat.

A gym rat milf enthusiast. Original.

"Hi!"

You turned your head to the source of the voice and was met with a guy in black t-shirt and sweatpants that looked like he just stepped off a calvin klein photoshoot. Honestly, it made you blush a little but you did your best to not appear flustered, standing up with Kijoong in your arms with a smile on your face. "Hi, you must be Stan!" You said, making San crack a grin and chuckle slightly, "Actually, it's San," bending down slightly, he locked eyes with Kijoong who was looking at him curiously, "And you must be Kijoong! Uncle Wooyoung told me a lot about you!" Hearing the familiar name, Kijoong straightened up, "You know Woo?" He asked in squeak, "Of course I do! He told me your nanny here wanted you to try some classes, huh? Why don't we go check them out, does that sound good?"

Kijoong looked between San and you, unsure how to answer. But you shrugged, "It's up to you bud," you encouraged. "Well maybe you don't know what classes we have. Currently for kids, we have classes in gymnastics, tumbling, and a couple of martial arts classes," San explained, trying to offer options to aid the boy in his dilemma. You cringed at the first two ideas though, "Yeah, he's already hyper as it is, we don't wanna turn running around in the house into catapulting his body onto the wall with precision." San couldn't help but laugh at your joke, finding it amusing that you were effortlessly funny. "Of course," he said after his laughter died down but letting the smile on his face remain, "Well let's have Kijoong try some classes, hm? Our kiddy Karate class is going on right now and let's see how he likes it."

While Kijoong joined the Karate class, you and San sat at the back, watching the class progressed but mostly having a nice chat.

"I have something to admit," San's voice broke your concentration from seeing Kijoong looking at you like he wanted you to hold him, "I actually recognize you. Wooyoung talks a lot about you," San said sheepishly. Your eyes widened but almost immediately it furrowed, "Wait, how much is 'a lot'? It can't be that much, right?" San took a moment to think of an answer that allows you an insight as to how often Wooyoung talks about you. "Well, I know you both met because he got into an argument with your cousin, Jongho when Jongho moved into his dorm complex in college his second year and you had dragged them out of their stupid, petty feud literally to the lobby and force them to apologize to each other in public," San answered after contemplating. You couldn't help but feel a little impressed at his knowledge but also confused as to why Wooyoung would share about you and your cousin. "Okay that means he talks about me quite a lot," you chuckled.

Conversation with San flowed rather smoothly and you found yourself talking about choice of career path and even telling him about how you ended up being Kijoong's nanny all the while making sure the boy was still listening to the instructor up front. The conversation started with your college days and his and he talked about how he ended up managing the gym with his dad which he was against of initially because he didn't want his love for exercising and taekwondo to be diminished to numbers and maintaining a brand. You were rather impressed with how he pitched the kiddy classes to his dad and had to convince him for 3 months straight before he said yes and not a year later they expanded and moved to the current building. He has tenacity, potential, personality, and passion. You kind of saw why Wooyoung befriends him and even became roomates.

It was about fifteen minutes into the class when Kijoong came trodding with a deep pout, climbing on your lap and burrying his face on your shoulder. "I'on like this class," he whined, arms tightening and face nuzzling deep. You scoffed and tried pulling the boy back but he was clinging onto you for dear life, "Kijoong, buddy, you're not even giving this class a chance, you've been looking back at me this whole time! You can't say you don't like something when you haven't put in the effort which includes concentration like the other boys here," you sighed. Hearing your words, Kijoong pulled back and batted his eyelash at you, trying to melt your resolve but unfortunately you were not about to fall victim to his manipulation. The same can't be said about San who was wracking his brain trying to think of ways to engage the child. "You gotta try, buddy," you pointed out unwaveringly which furrowed Kijoong's eyebrows as he side-eyed San who was trying his best to not grab the boy and give him some candy. "He's a boy, why does he get to stay here and talk to you?" He scowled.

You were about to scold Kijoong when San answered without missing a beat, "Because I don't do Karate, I'm a Taekwondo athlete. Well, former." That piqued Kijoong's interest as seen from his twinkling eyes, "My uncle Bumjoong knows Taekwondo!" He exclaimed, loosening his grip on you to turn towards San, "How do you do Taekwondo?" He asked, head tilting to the side in intrigue. "Why don't I show you? My kiddy Taekwondo class is over but we can check out the classroom and try things out," he smiled at Kijoong who immediately tried to make a dash through the door but you knew better and wrap your arms around his torso. "Are you sure you can give him a private trial like that?" You weren't really worried about access as much as being a bother because he's the owner's son and he was going out of his way to show things himself. Kijoong, on the other hand, didn't care as he dangled in your arms while still trying to make his escape to check out the Taekwondo class.

San waved his hand and stood up, "Nah, I need to make sure we have enough tiles for next week's mid class practice which is for kids ages 12-16. May I?" San opened his hands in front of Kijoong, hinting that he wanted to take the boy out of your grip. You would be hesitant or even reluctant had it not been for the fact that Kijoong was trying to claw his way into San's arms and when you let go of the boy, instead of having San carry him, Kijoong grabbed San's hands and tried pulling him towards the door. TRIED being the operative word since San didn't even move an inch, only staring at the boy with amusement in his eyes.

Just as you thought they would walk out first, San (unbothered with Kijoong's attempt to drag him away) turned around and offered you a hand to help you get up which made you blush because it wasn't like you had any issue. His gentlemanly manners shone as he opened the door for you even when Kijoong was whining for him to hurry up (which earned him a light scolding for being rude) and had moved to dangling off of San's strong arm. You all but stare at how San wasn't affected at all by Kijoong's constant attempt to move him. Once again, you found yourself amused and impressed by San and you couldn't help but pat yourself on the back, feeling sure that this was going to be a good thing for him. And maybe for you.

network :

@cultofdionysusnet @sandsofire @kflixnet

taglist :

@yunho-mp3 @strawberry-yeo @luvt0kki @allisonleannn @dinossaurz @khjcs @blackb3ll @aloverga @at1nys-blog @itsbeeble @senpai-of-doom @axo-l0tl @green-thots @intancollins @galaxypox @fire-and-flame @maddiebabyxoxo @alyssajavenss @mirror-juliet @gxlden-bxbyy @charreddonuts @dreamlesswonder86 @mayonnaisehoeshit @kodzukein @teenyfinds @dear-dreamie @mitchloveswriting @soobiverse @satsuri3su @phenomenalgirl9 @guess-monst3r @dimeb29 @ka-ni-ma @yayaistime @angelicyeo @kyume02 @thedistractedwriter @surveilenceysystem @ateezourstars @mismatchfluffysocks @puppyminnnie @nycol-ie @aursmrt

[randomfoggytiger]

I don’t want to believe… You would think that Mulder would not blatantly give up searching for HIS SON, William, after he found out Scully had put him up for adoption. First reason why this doesn’t make sense: He spent 27 years searching for his sister. She was abducted by a shadow government group with lots of power to manipulate him and Scully, but that didn’t deter him from searching. So why stop with William? Second reason: Seeing Scully tormented by her decision—which in many fanfics caused their relationship to end—would have motivated Mulder to take action because he is very protective of her. Third reason: Although the LGM are gone (another bullshit concoction of CC to kill off beloved characters for no reason), it’s hard to fathom that Mulder doesn’t have other friends or allies who could hack into the adoption system to track down his son. I would love to get your thoughts on this. For me, the series ended in season 8, but they made season 9, IWTB, and the revival seasons so I have to ask… I love reading the different perspectives of how it all went by the many talented fanfic writers, but I haven’t read any that takes these points into consideration. Please point me to them if you know of any!

THANKS! =)

I think what CC was going for was a two-fold decision:

Scully lost faith in herself, and gave up William

Mulder lost faith in himself, came back to dead friends and his son gone, and resigned himself to execution

This doesn't work for a couple of reasons:

Mulder wouldn't have left in the first place, even if Scully had begged him (see Redux II, there are some things his conscience won't allow)

Scully wouldn't have given up her son through a private adoption, given Emily's history with adoption and the Consortium

Now, would Mulder have stopped the adoption? TLG were alive when it happened, right? But he wasn't told about William's placement until after their deaths and his imprisonment-- meaning, the only time we see him react-ish to his son's adoption was after he'd lost sight of himself and was sitting sadly waiting for execution (I think?)

On the one hand, TLG and Danny from the FBI were shown to be his only "get 'er done" contacts; and Danny wouldn't be an option after Mulder and Scully took to the road. However, that never stopped Mulder if he wanted to get information: he's more likely to break and enter than let the matter rest (his entire mission during Season 9, for example.)

My guess would be: he didn't retrieve William because he knew there was no life for his son on the run. How would he go to school? How would he get his necessary medical appointments? How would he make friends and live the life he needed? It would be different if they went on the run together, of course; but that didn't happen.

However, the above logical explanation doesn't take into account the fact that Mulder and Scully know their son's privacy would be invaded even if the adoption were closed. Just as I think Scully would have decided against a closed adoption-- she would've, at least, had TLG find her suitable parents on the down-low-- and just as I think Mulder wouldn't have left to begin with, so, too, do I think both would have heard information while on the run that made them double back to protect William's safety. Or Mulder would have anticipated it and told Scully, and both would have hoped their son would be okay. In that case, that anxiety would need to be addressed in IWTB and the Revival, i.e. Mulder finding a contact to trace the closed adoption and constantly checking up on his son (via computer) from the Unremarkable House. And Scully would have sanctioned these measures and been just as overprotective.

But guess what? IWTB throws a wrench in that plan: Mulder basically acknowledges the FBI knows where his hiding spot is (roughly) and decided to leave him alone for... five years? Why, then, didn't he try to get back his son? If he and Scully were on the road one year and in housing the rest... why not at least look into his son's adoption? Did he? If so, the writers neglected to mention that.

Here comes the sticky problem: I can see Mulder, unable to challenge the adoption (wanted fugitive, hello), having to resign himself to the hope that his son was happy after a few years. We see him let 'Samantha' go in Redux II-- back to the Cancer man, even-- because she chose to. He will let people do what they think is best, but he won't forget. And after 2012 passes, there's no way he stays away from his son (especially after the Revival practically states his depression wasn't linked to 2012.)

Realistically? William would have been snagged years before the Revival. And even though Scully thought she'd cured him with magic rocks (getouttahere), both she and Mulder know William is a liability (in S9) to all factions: one of them would have found and exterminated him, easily, just to tie up loose ends. Mulder and Scully would have to be profoundly stupid people to believe otherwise. Moreover, I don't think Mulder would be as trusting to William's safety after Skinner told him his son had been adopted: I think it would have made him paranoid, and snapped him out of his funk-- because even when down in the depths of the dumps, Mulder will set aside his issues to protect someone else. And William, per this information, needed to be protected. And let's say he pushes the issue: Scully either pushes back, and he respects her decision; or Scully gives in, persuaded by his arguments. Both are left up to the skill of the script; but logically his arguments would be pretty sound.

I'm sure I could come up with ten ways to Sunday how the adoption could have fallen out, so consider this one possibility. ;))))

[the-forests-blessing]

Chapter 11

“Lukas! Hey!” 

     Outside the front door of BeacInn, our optimistic author stands. Last night's random downpour has ceased since the early morning hours and now leaves the stone street shining and a mist of steam rising from the evaporating water. The building’s drip with rain droplets that glisten under the rising sun. An orange sorbet of fluffy clouds decorate the sky, encouraging Lukas into an uplifting mood to start the day.

     In his freshly washed and dried adventure gear, Lukas turns to the sound of a squeaky voice he can only identify as the jovial ex-intern of BeaconTown, Radar. He appeared from across the street, waving down Lukas who had to adjust the ocelot in his arms so he could wave back. In the morning, Beacon seems more lively than usual with a couple of unfamiliar faces walking the streets. Distant conversations can be heard as Radar's hurried steps make it across the street to greet Lukas as he steps down the short flight of stairs.

     “Good morning, Radar. What brings you over here?” Lukas asks, giving the ocelot in his arms another quick adjustment so Dewey too could look over at the approaching man. 

     “Morning! Woooah cool outfit.” Radar gawks in amazement, to which Lukas utters a quiet ‘thanks’ for the compliment. “And hellooooo to you too Mr. Dewey,” Radar smiles fondly at the ocelot, approaching with an outreached hand. He smothers the jungle cat's head with some rather aggressive pets, squishing his ears and causing him to scrunch his face up. When he relents, Dewey shakes his head and twitches his tail irritably at the undesired and all too enthusiastic attention. “I caught you just in time! I was just about to head over to our local bakery for some morning grub. Wanna join me?” 

     “Bakery?” Lukas repeats, definitely interested. He glances up and down the street, wondering where Radar could possibly be talking about. From what he's learned, BeaconTown has five major streets all connecting to the beacon monument in the middle. The one he's been sticking to is on the far left of town as you enter. He's spent a generous amount of time scrounging around for food related establishments, but the best he's found so far is that small cafe on main street, and a few vendor stalls here and there. “You guys have a bakery here? Consider me shocked.”

     “Ohh yeah. Here, walk with me.” Radar nods his head, convincing Lukas and Dewey to follow his lead. “You’re right to be shocked. BeaconTown lost a lot of its best restaurants after uh.. Petra became mayor and everyone kinda started leaving.” The ex-intern scratches at the back of his head awkwardly, dropping his gaze down to the stone brick street. Lukas looks down too, searching the waterlogged cracks that occasionally pool into little puddles of water he occasionally finds himself stepping in. “But we were able to help some establishments survive. Nell went to work at the bakery after the great collapse, and with her help, it’s been able to thrive for years!”

     “Great.. Collapse? What, is that supposed to be some kind of humorous term in regards to Petra becoming mayor?” Lukas chuckles at the thought. “Seriously, I don’t see why the town elected her.”

     Radar laughs a bit awkwardly, shoving his hands into his green hoodie pockets. “Ah.. No, the great collapse is, well.. Basically when BeaconTown officially fell. Oh and we didn’t elect her. She kind of just appointed herself and didn’t take no for an answer.”

     Lukas’ brows raise at that. “Why..?”

     Radar shrugs. “Don’t know! Or.. Well, I have a few theories, buuut I’m trying to have a good day, so I really don’t want to think about it.”

     Lukas nods, turning his head away. More information to keep him curious... “Huh, so I assume the bakery is another spot I can find you two hanging out at?” Lukas changes the topic to avoid an uncomfortable silence. He asks with that one day in mind where he went to Radar’s and Nell’s shared residence and found no one home at the time.

     “Yeah! Or I may be at the library. It’s my favorite place to go when I’m feeling all scatter-brained.” Radar does this silly gesture at his head, then looks back at Lukas, smile ever prominent on this boy’s features. Lukas takes it he must be the kind of person to fake a smile, always quick to recover from some of the dark topics he occasionally treads down. “What about you? You got a favorite place to be?” 

     “Is that a trick question?” Lukas asks, humored by the ask and it's obvious answer. “I prefer to be one with nature. Out in the field is where I’m one with the elements. It does a lot of good for you mentally, you know? Surrounding yourself with the nature our world generously provides us.”

     “Hmm.. Is that why you're so strangely charismatic? I'm still amazed you and Dewey haven't ran out of town with your tails between your legs yet. Nobody ever stays here this long..” 

     Lukas smiles at that, grateful for the compliment. “Well, I guess it's hard to feel discouraged when I'm making the progress I need towards my goal. I've spent too many years working on this encyclopedia and I'm not gonna let any obstacles get in the way of that. It's my.. Uh.. You know. It's all I kinda got..”

     Radar ponders on that for a few seconds before he nods his agreement. “Yeah, I totally get you. Your optimism towards your own future kind of inspires me to get more invested in mine. I just wish I was as brave as I used to be, then maybe I too would– you know…” Lukas raises a questioning brow. “Enter the forest. Take in all those healing elements of nature you mentioned. From the way you talk about it, it sounds like you’re getting a real taste of heaven…” Radar leans in a little close, covering his mouth to whisper, “Well– whatever heaven has demons residing in it.”

     Lukas scoffs out a laugh. “Demons? Don’t be ridiculous– the forest doesn’t have demons.”

     Radar gives the author a doubtful look. “Then you’re just lucky you haven’t come across him yet!” He gives Lukas an elbow nudge, then nods his head towards an upcoming purple building. “Come on, over here!” 

     Demons? He can’t possibly be talking about the Admin. He’s not evil. The real evil is what burnt down the forest… Lukas thinks begrudgingly, and with a hint of annoyance towards Radar’s ignorance.   

     Our author stops outside the establishment while Radar scurries in. He watches the ex-intern go, then turns his head up and looks over the front entryway. The building has definitely seen better days. The purple concrete walls have cracked and been chipped away at by the elements over time. The windows are all surprisingly intact, but many of them have been covered by dense vine and ivy overgrowth. The sign outside the building too has withered away, making the text mostly unintelligible. Lukas frowns at the state of natural decay. In another world, he could imagine a building as cozy looking as this thriving off the love of baked goods and happy smiles. It's sad to see.. but he steps forth with Dewey anyways.

     Entering the building, a little bell rings as the door opens. To Lukas’ surprise, there’s actually quite a few people here and they all look… mostly happy. Conversing with one another at their tables and booths, something he hasn’t seen since the last town he’d stayed in. Upon stepping in, he can already smell the heavenly scent of baked goods. He draws in a deep breath, then exhales, feeling his own mouth watering at the confectionery sweet scents. Like the exterior, the overgrowth has squeezed its way through parts of the deteriorating purple concrete walls, making the building quite lush in appearance. It's quite pretty, despite the history. 

     Lukas steps across quartz flooring, approaching the counter with Dewey in his arms. Next to him stands Radar, the scholar looking over to the blond who now investigates the menu thoroughly. “Oooh what’s your favorite? I like the apple fritters. Those are my faaavorite. Oh! Oh! And the frosted honey-butter biscuits!” The dark haired male practically vibrates with excitement where he stands. While Lukas stays focused on the menu, Dewey lay in his arms, staring at Radar like he’s a crazy person. 

     Hmm… Honey-butter biscuits do sound really good, Lukas decides on that for himself while he still hones in on the menu. And what for the Allay… Has to be something small. What if it can’t eat certain things like chocolate being toxic for dogs? Maybe I’ll just share mine with it. 

     Lukas’ gaze searches the purple cursive text and dolled up pictures on the menu, finding trouble deciding what the Admin might possibly like. He has absolutely no knowledge of what his likes and dislikes are. As far as Lukas is aware, the man is a god . He could deem anything Lukas offers unworthy for all he knows. So maybe…

     “I think I’ll get the honey-butter biscuits and some chocolate chip cookies. Hard to go wrong with those right?” Lukas shrugs, finally looking back at Radar who stood in eager anticipation to hear the blond's decision. 

     “Yes… Yes! The perfect combo. The cookies here are the most popular on the menu. They’re so soft with melt in your mouth goodness!” He sighs wistfully, his smile softening. “They used to be Jesse’s favorite.” 

     “Well if the New Order leader liked them, I’m sure they’re delicious.” Hopefully Admin isn’t a picky eater…

     “Oh he liked them alright.”

     Lukas stills in his spot. That voice…

     The two men turn slowly and look up to find the cape wearing huntress gazing down at them. Lukas can hear the man next to him suck in a sharp breath, noticing the way he tenses at the sudden, most definitely unexpected appearance of mayor Petra here at the bakery this morning. The woman stands tall with her hands on her hips, her scarred lip curled in what looks to be a smug expression. To Lukas, it looks like she finds satisfaction in having surprised the two.

     “Oh, what a surprise. The local nerds have found each other.” She says in a teasing tone, then has the audacity to chuckle at her own words. 

     “P-Petra– Sir!” Radar salutes, causing the redhead to roll her eyes. 

     “There’s really no need for that here, Radar.” She assures. 

     Lukas’ forced calm demeanor wavers as the woman passes, his eyes narrowing in on her as her heavy steps come between them, cutting her way to the head of the line at the front of the counter. He glances at Radar who seems totally shaken, then an idea sparks in his mind. Lukas bumps his arm with his elbow, gaining the scholar's attention. In a hushed whisper, “Hey, no pressure here but uh, now would be a pretty good time to ask about that build.” He nods toward Petra at the counter.

     Radar quickly shakes his head, then turns his attention down to the floor as the huntress makes her approach once more, carrying a sweet smelling paper bag with her. “Sup Lukas.” She officially acknowledges him. “How’s the whole forest study going?” 

     Lukas squints at her, taking in the question with some skepticism. While she did give him the ‘okay’ to venture into the ancient woodland, he by no means trusts her after yesterday’s discovery. So, Lukas turns to performance mode, one of his own hidden natural skills. “Well I’m glad you asked!” He spent many hours preparing for this. The author reaches into his satchel, making the warrior raise a ginger brow as she watches the man shuffle through his belongings, pulling out a journal. “Check this out. I’ve come across so many extraordinary specimens!” 

     He offers the journal to her, Petra taking it with a look of suspicion, then flips through the confines of its pages. “Wow uh…” She lands on a page in the middle, finding nothing but snail drawings and snail notes. “Snails. Cool.” Flipping through more pages, her face only becomes weighed down with boredom, finding nothing but nature illustrations and words… too many words. She shakes her head and snaps the journal shut, offering it back to the most satisfied looking Lukas. 

     “Do you like it?” He asks with a smile shining as bright as the sun itself. 

     “Yeah.. Really cool stuff, Lukas.” She says in a unamused tone as she turns away, leaving the blond beaming with satisfaction.

     “Can I see your snails?” Radar asks. “Or should I say snotes?” Lukas gives him a questioning look. “Snail notes. Heheh..” Okay, that one did get a light chuckle out of him. 

     “Sure Radar. Here,” he offers Radar the journal. “I’m gonna go take my order.”

     Lukas leaves the bakery a little bit after getting his order. He had a brief chat with Radar, as well as Nell. The blonde had hidden in the back waiting for Petra to leave before making her debut in her work attire. Nell was totally impressed with Lukas’ tan colored garb, while Lukas himself didn't make much of a comment on her purple apron. Come to find out, the two are planning to start their build without the mayor’s permission, which explained Radar’s urgent head shake when questioned about it. 

     Sounds like the start of a little rebellion. Lukas is uncertain that is the step in the right direction, but at this point, what else can they truly do? Radar briefly mentioned his interest in ‘beautifying’ the street they both live on. It's a small start, but at least it's something.

     Looking down, he has with him a little woven basket that Nell offered him in the hopes that he’ll become a regular and return with it. Hard to say no when the scent of fresh baked goods coming from beneath the checkered cloth is making his mouth water. Before he left, he'd bitten into one of the frosted honey-butter biscuits, and wow. The frosting is delicious, albeit a little sticky.. But the biscuit itself practically melted in his mouth. Perfect texture.. perfect tastes.. He had to close his eyes in a momentary state of bliss, savoring the flavors dancing on his tongue and making his taste buds sing. 

     Walking away from the bakery and heading back towards the BeacInn, Lukas is stopped by that same familiar voice from before calling out to him. He turns, watching the mayor approach him with a cookie in hand. “Yo, Lukas.” She says, swallowing her last bite and then patting the crumbs off her hands. “You heading to the forest today?” 

     “Uh.. I was planning on it. I found quite a rich patch of parrot mushrooms that needs to be studied closely. A specimen like that is too rare to pass on, and with such abundance..” Lukas says oh so whimsically, then ponders a second more and adds on, “care to join?”

     “No..” Petra quickly declines. “You.. do your weird.. Etology-”

     “Ecology.”

     “Whatever.” She crosses her arms, then glances down at the basket of goods Lukas carries. She raises a scarred brow, gazing at the full basket. “That’s an awful lot of sweets for one person.”

     “Huh? Oh.. Yeah, I’m uh.. Kinda a midnight snacker. You know, I can't help but get those sweet late night cravings.” He shrugs sheepishly. “Bringing most of them back to where I’m staying. Don’t want to attract any bears out in the woods with the smell of something this tasty.” 

     Petra stares at him with an expression Lukas can’t quite decipher. Confusion? Suspicion? After a few tense seconds of silence, the woman’s gaze softens, adjusting to straighten and hold her hands behind her back. Creators, in a world where Lukas is usually the taller one, BeaconTown sure has a lot of towering citizens to make him feel small. He’s not used to this feeling yet. 

     She flicks her gaze, eyeing him up and down before asking, “Where are you from, Lukas?” 

     “Where am I from?” He repeats the question, then puts Dewey down onto the ground beside him. The ocelot gives himself a good stretch beside his legs while the author answers. “I’m from The Citadel. Heard of it?” 

     Petra quirks a brow and Lukas takes that as a probable no . 

     “The Citadel is a massive city. In the center of it all is a huge building called the Spawn Center. There’s a crazy human spawn rate there, so they built a city around it. It’s right in the middle of multiple biomes for newspawns to explore. I spawned at the Spawn Center and they guided me to the city where I was able to learn about the world and decide what kind of career I wanted to make with my life. It’s pretty amazing. A real pillar of human society where people who aren’t sure what to do with their life can find themselves.” When Petra doesn’t immediately respond, Lukas presses his own question. “What about you?”

     “Me? Uh.. I don’t know, probably spawned out in the woods somewhere. Been too long to remember.” Petra shrugs, then takes a few steps away from the author as she begins to pass by. “That all sounds great, Lukas. Try not to waste all that life experience by going out too far into the forest and getting yourself killed, alright?”

     And with that, she leaves. Lukas drops his friendly demeanor the moment she departs. If looks could kill, Petra would have exploded seven times already. “She’s suspicious of us.” He says, then looks down at Dewey. Dewey looks up to meet his gaze, the ocelots emerald eyes wide and frightened. “Don’t worry, I planned ahead for any future interrogations.” Lukas ruffles his ocelot behind his ears. “Come on, let’s head back to the forest.” 

     The Admin’s forest is surprisingly.. Lively today. 

     Lukas caught the twitter of some small finches up in the dark trees, even caught sight of them as they flew around the tall trunks of the evergreens in a playful pursuit. This is the first time he’s seen any wildlife in this part of the forest.. Well except for Allay and Admin of course. He stopped to make note of this while Dewey kept his nose held high, gazing up into the branches of the trees in hopes to see the finches again.

     Adjusting his satchel over his shoulder and grabbing his basket, Lukas stands with his gaze searching the trees and fog.. Checking to see if Admin is early to make his appearance known. “Hmm.. Nothing yet..” Lukas says, then glances down at Dewey. “It’s still hard to tell if Allay or Admin are able to sense when we arrive. Well, Admin does for sure, but I’m not so certain about the Allay. …Maybe I should call out to them both?” Dewey shakes his head at that and Lukas just rolls his eyes. “Oh why do I even bother asking you? You totally puffed up three times your size at the Admin yesterday, and he gave you salmon anyways! You should be thankful.” 

     Dewey growls at the comment, making Lukas put his hands on his hips in a stern manner. “What? You gonna throw a hissy fit again when he shows up? What did we talk about on the way here?” 

     Dewey’s sassy demeanor drops suddenly, the ocelot’s eyes widened and his fur begins to puff as he slowly starts backing away. A dark, massive shadow approaches the unsuspecting author from behind. 

     “He welcomed us here, so the most you can do to show your gratitude is behave yourself and respect.. The.. Admin..?” Lukas’ words come to a gradual stop, distracted by the way his body suddenly tenses up, raising his hand to gently touch over the back of his neck, feeling the prickling chill of goosebumps rise over his skin. Then.. the sound of earth being crushed beneath heavy steps sounds behind him. Without a second thought, Lukas turns to find just the guy he was hoping for standing over him, staring directly down into his own eyes with his own shadowed over, piercing turquoise glow.

     “Oh there you are!” No ounce of fear in this man's words. “You’re awfully quick this time. Beat me before I had to call your name.” Lukas’ gaze shifts from the Admin’s own, noticing a bright blue light emitting atop the deity’s mossy cape. It seems he won’t be having to call out to the Allay either. The little creature perks up from the moss, its eyes blinking as it lazily looks around as if it has just woken up, more than likely from the sound of Lumas’ voice. 

     When it finally notices Lukas, the Allay does a happy chirp and floats up from the Admin’s shoulder. Unmoving, the Admin’s gaze follows the spirit, watching as Lukas holds his hand out to invite the innocent creature to settle on his palm. Its blue glow is something Lukas is finding more as a source of comfort with each second he spends with it.

     “Good morning, Allay, I brought something special for you today.” Lukas kneels down, settling on his knees in a bed of moss and dirt. “Here,” he reaches into the basket, scooting the cloth away so he can grab a biscuit, tearing off a piece of the glazed frosted sweet, then offers it to the spirit. “It’s a frosted honey-butter biscuit.” The Allay takes it into its little blue paws, giving it a few sniffs before it does a jolly little spin and takes its ‘bite’. Lukas smiles, finding unending affection towards this little creature and its ever positive nature. 

     Our author then stands, picking the basket up along with him as he now turns to face him.. The Admin. The deity’s grump expression strengthens as Lukas gets closer, the Admin curling his lip, seconds away from telling Lukas to back off with a warning growl before he’s.. 

     “Here.” Lukas holds out a cookie. “This is for you, Big Guy.”

     The Admin.. hesitates.. Staring at the cookie before he turns his scarred nose away, side eyeing the small dessert. With passing seconds, Lukas holds in a sigh as his hope dwindles, even shaking the offered cookie to tempt the deity out of his skepticism. “Please take it. I wanted to make up for all the trouble I’ve been causing.. And to thank you for letting me keep coming back here despite it all.” Lukas’ cheeks warm slightly, smiling sheepishly as he watches the Admin’s dark, mangled brows knit, his glowing eyes fixated on him, then snapping down to the cookie. 

     Slowly extending his hand to Lukas, the large man sniffs the air lightly as the chocolate chip cookie is placed upon his gloved palm. With such closeness, Lukas notices how worn the gloves on him are. Tattered and torn in certain spots, he can just barely see the hint of blue skin peaking out through the holes. The leather has even lost color from years of use on his palm and the underside of his fingers. 

     His human heart pounds heavy in his chest as he hands the cookie over. He can’t help but obsess a little over how small the treat looks in the massive palm of the Admin as compared to Lukas’ normal human-sized hands. The author releases a small, yet kind-hearted laugh, smiling at the way the deity holds the cookie close and examines it the way Lukas examines the plant life in this very forest.      Completely still for a few seconds, he watches the Admin take in a deeper breath and exhale slowly as his hand lowers to his leather-guarded chest. His glare had faded into a blank, yet somehow shining stare. He glances back to Lukas, illuminated with an unreadable expression.      Lukas smiles back in silence, only now catching on to the sound of Dewey’s growling, the blond turns to search for his unruly ocelot before finding him puffed up and low to the ground a couple feet away. “Oh for Creator's sake, Dewey, would you give it a rest? Look, he’s not–” Lukas turns back to the deity, come to find he’s… vanished. Lukas blinks, then looks around hurriedly. “Wha-? A-Admin?” 

     The Allay approaches the bewildered author, catching his attention with a playful little laugh. Lukas looks down, watching the spirit’s ever present glow as it ascends slowly, then does a happy spin. Lukas chuckles softly. “Did you like that honey-biscuit, Allay?” He asks, to which the spirit closes its eyes and nods eagerly, something Lukas has learned is an expression of joy. Perhaps the Allay’s own version of a smile. 

     Lukas looks around once more, feeling pretty disappointed with the Admin’s unforeseen disappearance. He sighs, running his hand up his neck and up through his short, scruffy blond hair. Well.. after yesterday, he can’t expect Admin to want to be around him. So.. He’s sticking to the plan he came here with, and that’s to purposefully keep distance between himself and the evasive deity. He doesn’t want to force the man into any more uncomfortable situations, and he certainly doesn’t want to anger him anymore either.

     The Admin has done more than enough. He welcomed Lukas into the forest, even after his own selfish and rude behavior.. He showed him the lengths at which the hunters have caused harm to his home.. So with that, Lukas finds himself with a plethora of information waiting for him amongst the trees, and with more than two and a half months left here, he’s got the time to do it too. 

     “Well.. looks like it's just the three of us again huh?” Lukas shrugs, trying to stay optimistic despite his disappointment. Allay floats over to where the author stands, sizing him up before it decides to settle down upon his shoulder. The light of the Allay illuminates Lukas’ own pale features, the little creature doing some pointing gestures down at the bakery basket. “Want some more?” Allay nods enthusiastically. Lukas huffs out a soft laugh and scrounges around the basket, plucking off a bite suitable for his friend. “Of course you can have more. Ready, Dewey?” 

     The jungle cat has calmed since the Admin’s disappearance. He was in the midst of grooming his puffed up pelt when Lukas called for him, making the ocelot turn his head up, tongue poking out mid-lick. He corrects himself and gives the rest of his body a good shake before trotting up to his companion… Only to find…

     Dewey’s eyes narrow, glaring at the Allay perched up on Lukas’ shoulder again. His tail thrashes with annoyance at this little pest. If it's not prey, why is it prey-sized? He’ll never understand his human’s logic. The ocelot gives his paw a quick lick, staring up at the Allay and meeting its pearly white eyes. They indulge in a bit of a staring contest as Lukas begins walking, with Dewey walking behind, keeping his gaze narrowed on the Allay that keeps looking back at him. 

     Lukas spends hours in the ancient forest. The morning sun has risen, meeting the afternoon mark high in the sky. By now Lukas has made it further into the Admin’s forest than ever before. He’s stopped an ample amount of times, his attention being snatched by strange mushrooms that begin to appear at the base of trees the further he gets. Kneeling down, he closely examines the fungus, unable to identify them despite his knowledge regarding the subject. 

     “They look like honey mushrooms… Yet they’re gray..” Lukas snatches a book from his inventory, flipping through its pages until he lands on the desired passage. He holds the book up next to the mushrooms, comparing the image in the book to the fungus on the ground. They look vaguely similar, except the coloration is entirely off. Lukas closes his book and presses his face into the moist dirt, attempting to get a look at the base of the caps without plucking them from their roots. “Woah..” His eyes light up at the dim blue glow the mushrooms produce underneath their caps. He sits up quickly and takes time with his note taking.

     Whilst Lukas goes about his study, Dewey finds himself a nice patch of moss at the base of a different tree nearby to settle in. He curls in on himself, resting his tail over his nose and stares at the Allay who still resides on his owner's shoulder. 

     As time goes on, Lukas still sees no signs of the forest deity anywhere. The evergreens sway back and forth due to heavy wind gusts winding through the pine canopies, occasionally dropping pine needles or cones, something of which catches the ecologist’s curiosity. 

     At one point he stopped to examine one of the cones, taking out one from the first forest layer to compare the two. Amazingly, they’re extraordinarily different. Allay watches closely from Lukas’ shoulder, looking at how the human compares them both. The natural one he holds in his left; it’s a plain, ordinary pinecone. While the other he holds in his right is dark, almost black in color, yet the tips of its scales emit this enchanting glow Lukas has never seen before. 

     “I wonder if I were to plant this outside of the forest, it would grow an evergreen like Admin’s.. Or would it lose its magic and revert back to normal?” Lukas ponders it, twisting the cone around between his fingers. “Well, Admin, if you’re watching this, I’m uh..” He holds it up a bit whilst looking around his empty surroundings, “taking this!” Lukas says rather loudly, in hopes to garner some attention. He then lowers it again, his gaze scanning around and still… nothing. 

     Well… He can’t say he was looking forward to him showing up and plucking his interests from his fingers, but.. He kind of wishes he was here regardless. It doesn’t feel right to be investigating someone's home without their supervision, even if said home is hundreds of chunks of dense woodland. Speaking of… Lukas stands, putting the cones back into his satchel and retrieves his map. 

     “Uhh.. Hm..” Lukas holds the wide sheet out in front of him, finding it more or less useless no matter how much he maps out his trails. “Gah, I should have spent more time in cartography class..” He shakes his head, stuffing the map back into his bag. “This forest is huge ,” he gestures to it all. “Without Admin’s help, I’d probably have gotten lost in here the second time around..” He sighs.

     Then an idea strikes him. 

     Wait a second…

     “Allay?” Lukas turns his head, startling the blue spirit into attention. “What about you? Do you have a specific part of the forest that you enjoy?” Lukas asks. Allay seems taken aback by the question, then puts its little paw up to tap its face in thought. After a few moments of consideration, Allay sits up and floats off Lukas’ shoulder, fluttering a few blocks away before turning back to Lukas with a little flip. “Oh? I’ll take that as a yes?” Lukas perks up with a smile, then quickly steps forward. “Well by all means, lead the way.”

     Thump thump thump…

     Lukas and the Allay both come to a full stop at the sound of crushing twigs and shifting branches. The heavy footsteps already tell Lukas who it is, and he looks to his right just to see glowing eyes piercing through the darkness. The Admin walks casually, taking his time stepping closer and closer, approaching both of them now with his gaze shifting from Lukas to the Allay. This time Dewey hurries over to Lukas and stands behind his legs, his eyes wide and ears flat, but he makes no sound. 

     The Admin’s gaze is blank until he settles on the Allay, then the deity’s expression sours and he slowly shakes his head back and forth. 

     No? Lukas stands idly, watching the silent communication between the two. The Allay’s wings droop and its gaze lowers, visibly disheartened. The deity gestures with his hand for Allay to come, to which the creature slowly floats over. Looks like I got it in trouble.. Lukas frowns with guilt at the thought.

     The Admin then turns, his gaze resting on Lukas. The author’s head slowly raises as the dark blue man takes his heavy steps closer, their eyes locked on one another. Lukas’ skin coats with goosebumps and a chill runs down his back being forced to look up at the imposing male, decked out in heavy armor and everlasting shadow. The Admin’s glowing stare, though he no longer glowering at him, is sharp and captivating. There’s no otherworldly pressure keeping his body pinned to the earth, even as the Admin stops a mere two feet away. 

     The Admin stares… and stares as seconds pass. Lukas feels as though he’s begun to shrink under this man’s powerful aura he exerts. “U-uhm.. Hi, Admin..” He stutters, unsure of the reasoning behind the deity’s unyielding gaze. As more silent seconds pass, Lukas fumbles, heat rising and coloring his pale cheeks a bit darker as he turns his head down to look away. The presence in front of him is unmoving. Every passing second has Lukas feeling more and more nervous. 

     He looks back up finally.. Just to find that the eerie stare has softened, something he has yet to see from the ever grumpy forest deity. Lukas gazes back, his jaw dropping, trying to form words but he’s clamming up. The turquoise glow then shifts, descending Lukas’ form and landing on something, locking his gaze. Lukas follows it down to the basket he holds in his hands and.. Things suddenly begin to click. 

     “O-oh.. Did you want another cookie?” Lukas offers up the basket, then stops. “Actually, hold on,” he quickly turns and kneels down away from the deity, laying the basket on the ground but taking the cloth and all that rest in its confines along with it. The blond shuffles the goods around a bit so they sit in the middle of the cloth, then he wraps the fabric over them and ties a knot. “Here,” he says as he stands, “Allay and I ate most of the honey biscuits, but there’s still one left for you. Other than that, the rest of the cookies are all yours..” Lukas offers up the bundled sweets, feeling his heart throb with mixing waves of joy and relief when the Admin extends his waiting palm and accepts them. 

     With that, Lukas adjusts his satchel over his shoulder and looks up at the deity, offering him a soft smile. “I hope those can cheer you up a bit. I feel horrible about what BeaconTown has done to your forest and I…” Lukas looks away, rubbing at his arm. “I hope you can find peace again someday.” And with that, the blond turns and begins walking back in the direction he came. “Come on, Dewey.” He calls his ocelot along. The big cat stares between the Admin and his Allay, then back at Lukas in confusion before he too stands and hurries up to walk beside Lukas.

     Each step carries him further and further away from the unmoving god. His heart is beating so fast, he feels almost out of breath with how badly he wished to stay, but… This is for the best. 

     He accepted them… That’s all that matters. I’ll bring more for him whenever I visit. It’s the least I can do for him.

     ~ 

     For all that's happened in life leading to this very moment, all Admin can do is watch Lukas walk away. The warmth of the cookies heating his palm through the thick leather glove, the scent permeating the air around him. He lowers his overshadowed gaze to the bundle, adjusting his grip around it. The sweet aroma is something he’d never thought he’d smell again, and the flavors brought him back to a forgotten life long ago.

     The Allay chimes just above his head, looking down at him with emotion. It lowers itself down to Admin’s eye level, only to float out of reach when their eyes meet.

     Admin waves it away, grunting as he turns his attention back to the bundle. He carefully undoes its bow tied knot, and sighs as the cookies fall out of their stacked order. Admin immediately offers the Allay one of the treats and watches it float away in Lukas’ direction, leaving him alone in the narrow trail.

     There’s something different about Lukas.. Something Admin cannot figure out. Maybe more time together will help him figure out what that something is. So long as he keeps bringing him cookies.

     A single biscuit?

     Admin retrieves that first, holding it in his teeth as he wraps the cookies up again. With a deep inhale, the scent of honey and sugary sweet icing make his mouth fill with drool, and the first bite brings him back to that safe time before BeaconTown fell…

     A better time, where he could live in peace. 

     He ought to thank Lukas.

[marcelinesghost13]

Ok blog we got some bullshit to talk about. Currently it is 4:20 in the morning. My brain has to do this block even though I'm fitting in and out. You may not make any sense of what I'm talking about cuz the thoughts are going to be completely random and all over the place. I'll definitely try to keep it together though but no promises.

So today I got to meet my therapist and my new PCP. I liked both of them. There are two factors that happened. One my blood pressure was actually pretty leveled. That's really because my wife didn't go with me and she wasn't screaming at me the whole fucking time. I mentioned this to her and she just laughed and actually said the only reason why your blood pressure is so high is because of me always screaming at you. That's some fucked up shit. Constantly knows the reason why my blood pressure is high is because of her. That's some really fucked up shit. But it was also talking to my friend the whole time who I see as a sister. I think to help keep my heart rate down. She's an amazing woman does a lot of amazing things.

I'm finally starting my journey towards who I'm supposed to be. I will be starting HRT in about 8 weeks. I was on it for a bit but I got off of it. That had to do with my wife and hurt bullshit. As many of you know she is not a fan of me becoming a woman. There are some days where she's okay with it and she talks about makeup and other things with me. But a great majority of the time she doesn't give a fuck she doesn't like the idea "it's weird". My doctor wants me to quit smoking. That's going to be a bad habit to quit. Especially since I've been smoking since I was 14 years old. But I bought this little device thing called FÜM air vaporizer. I don't know if it's supposed to help with smoking. Fucking thing better work that cost me a hundred dollars lol. But in any case I'm very excited about going on this journey I'm finally getting back on my HRT.

When I got home well actually scratch that before I go home I was already getting texts from my wife but where the fuck I was. Because I was gone for 6 hours basically. When I finally got home she asked if I had a good time. I asked her with what. She replied you know what I'm talking about you were gone all day having fun while I sat here having to put up with a crackheads. I told her I wasn't having any fun I was doing doctor's appointments. Her comment was sure you were I know what you were doing.

Then after that she went on a tangent of letting me know how I'm like my perverted father. Because that's all my dad does is go around fucking 20 year olds. That statement alone is fucking stupid as fuck. One my dad is impotent he can't get it up and the second factor is he can't take Viagra because he'll fuck with his heart and he can have a heart attack from it. So the chances of my dad actually having sex is like 0 to fucking none. Yeah my wife is insistent but that's exactly what my dad has been doing for the last couple weeks and why he ended up in a rehab retirement center.

That's another thing that she's been bitching about my dad being in a rehab retirement center. She's been so angry that he ended up there. Letting me know that he completely ruined our lives because he ended up there. That he's playing all these like mind games to fuck with her lives. I don't get how I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm answering doctor's appointments and Dr phone calls and all these other people there supposed to help but that's some of the problem my father has all this help and my wife has absolutely fucking no one according to her. So that's where the jealousy comes in because she's fucking jelly as hell. She does not like the fact that he has so many different people helping him with this process. Yet for years my wife has dealt with all of her doctors. I would help a lot more if I knew the phone numbers and the name of the doctors and stuff like that but she doesn't give me any of that information. She always find something when everybody to be angry about what they're doing in their life because her life is so miserable.

I think it's ridiculous that she acts like that. Stop being so miserable because everyone else is doing something in their life. Regardless of you agree to it or disagree to it. I get that the crackheads next to our house or drug addicts and you're going to act weird. Doesn't mean you have to mentally freak out on that shit. I understand that you grew up with people like that in your life. They need to learn to ignore it. You need to learn to conquer your trauma. She needs to learn to accept that certain people ask certain ways and you can't change that.

Oh dear my head's starting to get all light again. I'm trying to wrap this up pretty quick. So in any case besides my wife and her constant bitching and complaining about everyone that exists on this planet because she doesn't feel well. Things seem to be moving pretty good for me. Things are actually working very well for her too. Her doctor's finally figured out what's going on with her kidneys and bladder. So that's a plus. She is slowly getting better she just doesn't notice it. And I might be able to transfer over at work we'll see if that actually happened fingers crossed. All right about what happened to my dad in a different blog but as of right now that's currently where we're at.

So that's pretty much it that's what's going on so far. I'm going to go pass out now again because I'm exhausted and mentally drained.

081620240455

[shindayyume]

Let’s Party •°. *࿐🍷

Pt. 2 of Vanessa’s POV to @simmetrycal’s mystery girl series <3

All credits to Sim for their ocs (ex. Raymond, Ash, Chantelle, and Jia)

『••✎••』

It was yet another long day for Vanessa. Eli was out in school, and she was glued to her seat within the tattoo shop. Just by midday she had already done 3 clients. They were small, simplistic tattoos— but it still takes a toll when you’re constantly holding a needle in your hand.

But finally, it was now time for Vanessa to head onto break before her next appointment.

Just before she can go and grab her purse- a silhouette at the doorway caught her attention.

Ethan.

He leaned against the small entree way, smiling. “Put your wallet down, girl. Cmon, I’ll go buy us lunch.”

~

“What?! How come you didn’t tell me about this guy earlier? Nessi, I’m your brother..” He pouted, taking a saddened bite from his sandwich.

She rolled her eyes, then sighed as she picked at her food. It’s been little over a week since she’s seen that blond haired man. Ever since that day, Vanessa has been unable to get his face out of her head. She’s been cursed with a crush. And she hated it- it made her feel like a pathetic highschooler again.

“Because- I know how you can be. But this one’s different, he seemed really sweet. And he didn’t have a problem with Eli.”

“Right. But- he could be a total jackass just trying to get some game. I mean come on! An eye brow piercing? Seriously? Fuckboy.”

“Collin has one?”

“My point entirely. Now that guys a freak in bed.”

“Ugh,” she groaned. Not irritated by Ethan’s words but- by the fact that she couldn’t stop thinking about the stranger she had met at the dog park.

Ethan chowed down on his food, taking out his phone to do some detective work. All he had was a description given to him by Vanessa- but no matter how little the information, he always finds a way.

“Look, Nessi. I’m not saying *Don’t* shoot your shot. But I don’t trust anyone who’s seemingly this perfect pretty doll. He’s definitely hiding something.”

“See! This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you. You’re too dramatic,”

“I was right before, wasn’t I?”

A dead silence pans over them, like a pair of scissors slicing the red wire. Ethan was right. The last time she had gotten her hopes up, she was left alone with a kid to raise.

“I’m sorry- sorry.” Maybe a little too far- clearing his throat, “all I’m saying is.. be careful. And if you do mysteriously run into each other again- I will tear out his jugular and make him eat it if he so dares to make a wrong move.” He smiled- purely innocent.

Damnit. She couldn’t help but smile back, nodding. “I doubt I’ll see him again.. I even stay a few extra hours longer than usual at the park now but- I never spot him.”

She scooted her plate across the table, letting him finish it off.

“Must be nice to have a secret admire like that, maybe he gets scared every-time he sees ya and hides in his car” he laughed, “he sounds like a nerd.”

While chatting, he was simultaneously scouring all over the internet. He was having a difficult time.. after all, there are millions of blond men out there. Until he remembered an important detail from her story- into the search he typed,

Jia Taylor.

Bingo.

Instantly a profile popped up. She seemed like a simple woman, the account was old and unused. At first glance, it could be taken as nothing but the average cringey Instagram selfies and environmental photos. Not even in her description did she mention anything about her life. Just her occupation and a sad quote from a TV show.

That is until, he began to scroll. His eyes lit up- spotting an outdated photo from a couple of years ago. It was her, and a blond man. That same man had a singular eyebrow piercing, and even the same squared ear jewelry described by Vanessa.

Holy shit. He thought, quickly clicking on the post- the caption was simple,

‘Dinner with Raymond.’

Okay, nothing to urgently worry about yet.. At least now he has a first name. Taking a better look at the photo- he definitely saw Raymond’s appeal. personally, not his taste but hey, to each their own. Taking the name to google, he searched it up and scavenged through any link he could find. Eventually, he came up on a username-

‘Mrstealyourgirl’

How.. quirky.

Inspecting deeper, the profile belonged to a dark haired man with bright blue eyes. By the name of Ash.

“Damn,” he muttered, not out of interest or appeal.. he genuinely thought the guy was irritable just by looking at his face.

“And I- hm? Ethan, are you even listening??”

He looked up- this whole time Vanessa had been rambling on and he didn’t hear a word. “Uhhh… yesss?” He grinned.

“Right. So as I was saying—“

Aaannnd back to stalking. Scrolling the post, the guy seemed to be fairly popular. The photos he shared basically documented his life. Including the most important people in it- there was a few that included Raymond. More recent too.

There were a few embarrassing photos of Ash and Raymond together, that included them ‘hanging out’ in ways Ethan never considered non romantic.

Starting off normal, out eating lunch together.

The two doing clay face mask.

wearing matching outfits.

Holding hands at work?

And why the hell were so many captions from Ash calling this dude ‘slime’??

Either they are really great friends.. or really great friends.

Now, Ethan knew he could just be reaching, and end up extremely incorrect. But for Vanessa’s sake, he had to consider each and every possibility.

“His names Raymond.” He interrupted.

Vanessa stopped her yapping- confused by what he was talking about. “Who-?”

He turned his phone screen around, showing off the account to her. Taking the phone- she did her own little inspection. “Yeah- that’s him.. how’d you-“

He shrugged, collecting their trash. “I got my ways. He doesn’t have his own account, though. Guess he’s not an internet person”

Deep down, he wanted to mention that Jia person he found. But he decided not to. And he didn’t understand why. Maybe he just wanted to do some more digging first- to get an entire background check on the guy before unleashing Pandora’s box to Vanessa. After all, she was his best friend. The last thing he wanted was for her to be hurt.

And the last thing he needed was an issue.

Her eyes gazed over the post, focusing on those with Raymond in it. He was just as beautiful in photos as he was in person. But she gloomed over not being able to find his account. If she could- she would’ve sent a message by now. Ethan’s voice bringing her back to reality,

“Cmon, I need a cigarette”

~

Returning back to the shop, Ethan stopped at the entrance. Leaning against the wall with a lit cigarette in between his fingers.

Before entering the shop without him, she stopped to give him a glance. “I have one more client for the day.. do you have a soda? I need some sugar to wake me up.”

he nodded, “in the fridge in the back. There’s energy drinks in there too”

“Ew- those are discussing. I’ll do with a Pepsi. See ya,” and just like that, she was off.

Ethan raised the cigar up to his lips, releasing a stream of smoke. Among the mist- a couple caught his eye. Two women were walking their way up to the shops doors, hand in hand.

Upon looking over- He noticed a familiarity to one of the woman’s faces. He didn’t know her personally, no. But he recognized those dark braids on Ash’s Instagram post. This girl was a friend of his. And it sparked his curiosity-

As they approached, he gave them a friendly smile just before they entered bleeding ink.

What a strange coincidence, he thought.

*~ The party ~*

It took some convincing, but with enough persuasion from Collin and Davis.. she got Collin to babysit Eli for the night.

It wasn’t something she was used to, getting dressed up and going to a party was only something she did before she got pregnant. It’s not like she missed it very much. Afterall, she did a lot of stupid decisions during those times.

She had to dig deep into her closet, eventually finding a slim black dress and matching heels. Being that it was old- it was a bit of a tight fit around her figure. Needless to say, she had to do a few jump and bend test to make sure nothing would rip or flash out on her-

After applying some light makeup, she was ready to leave the apartment.

Questioning if this was worth it.

Upon reaching the address, she was surprised to see so many cars parked around. It seemed like it was quite a popular place- though how could it not be? The house was gorgeous. Giant windows, and a grand entrance fit for royalty to walk on.. there was no way she would fit into this scene- and for a while , she waited in her car just staring. hesitant to even step foot out of her vehicle- who would really notice if she were to chicken out and turn her car around….

But no.

This was her chance to relax, and enjoy herself for once…

And maybe give her the opportunity to get Raymond out of her head.

As she stepped through the main doors, she started to feel the loud bumping of the speakers in her own chest. They raced with her heart, mostly out of nerves. The place was comfortably crowded- but it felt so claustrophobic as she took a long look around. Not a single face she could recognize. It was just a room full of strangers and bad habits to her-

Until she heard a familiar voice shout from the crowd. Despite the room being so loud and overwhelmed with different sounds- she heard it clear as day.

“Hey!-“

Raymond.

He was there, in the middle of it all. And honestly it made her want to laugh, he looked more out of place than she did. Raising her hand up to her face to cover her giggles- but needless to say, her stress washed away to find that she did in fact know somebody here.

“Hi!”

They began to walk forwards one another, meeting in the middle. “I had no idea you’d be here?” She questioned him, because why would someone like Raymond out of all people be in a party like this? Was he secretly an animal?

Though, as she looked up to him and waited for an answer- she noticed him blanking again. The same gawking stare he had gave her when they first met. It seems like anytime she speaks during his zoning out, her words just fly through one ear and out the other…

It made her nervous. If she would have known he’d be here, she would have dressed nicer.. or maybe put some more effort into her hair or makeup. Though with his staring, she felt like she was being watched by a lion ready to pounce at her. Making a nervous smile- “You okay?”

He stood there, starstruck and glued to the floor. But luckily for them, an unexpected ice breaker broke out-

There was a loud thump from behind them, and of course it was Ash’s doing. He had thought of the brilliant idea to climb the flimsy table they had set up beer pong with. It collapsed underneath him, causing him to flip back and crack the table in two straight out of a cartoon. The half filled cups flew and landed on a few standby victims.

Vanessa recognized his face. It was the same guy displayed in the photos with Raymond- must be the reason why Ray was here in the first place.

Being a panicked mother, her natural instincts came in as she rushed over to help. “Jesus- are you okay??” She loomed over Ash- who was completely knocked out on the ground and broken table pieces. A few others were quick to come surround him- Raymond too.

“Shit- let’s get him on the couch..”

A woman approached, the same woman Vanessa had tattooed recently- she’s the entire reason why she’s here in the first place..

“Be careful- he might’ve hit his head.”

Carefully, Raymond was able to relocate Ash from the ground to the nearby couch. They all waited to see if he would come to or possibly need to be rushed to the hospital- but eventually, his eyes began to open.

His gaze crossed over Raymond and Chantelle. Then stopped on Vanessa- causing her to lean forward a bit, still keeping a good distance from Ash’s face. “Are you okay?”

He attempted to seat himself up, to which she stopped him- pressing her hand lightly against his open chest. “Just lay here for a moment. You had a pretty big fall” she smiled, in attempt to comfort the guy.

Though that smile might have changed once Ash grabbed her hand- She didn’t know if it was on purpose, but the hold had caused her hand to ‘slip’ in the direction further down his shirt. He gave her this dazed look that just spilled of hopeless puppy.

Oh god.

Ash, was no where near her interest. To her, she saw him as some scruffy little kid.

To make that clear, she bashfully pulled her hand away. “My son tends to trip a lot, he’s normally better after settling down for a bit.”

“Thank you, Miss pink hair..” he mutters, dramatically throwing his arm over his head as if he were dying to an arrow in the chest.

Seeing his drama, Chantelle quickly left the scene.

“Oh- it’s Vanessa.” She corrected. That seemed to trigger interest- noticing Ash give Raymond a smug look. Man was this guy weird-

Besides her, Raymond cleared his throat. “This is my boss, Asher.”

Boss??!

This thing is Raymond’s boss?

“Nice to meet you.” She avoids taking his hand again, to not further cause injury of course… but to her surprise, Raymond introduces himself as well. Suppose it’s best that he doesn’t know she already is aware of his name- shaking his hand.

His grip is firm, yet soft. Neither of them wanted to let go of one another. Instead of breaking it he ask, “How about we take this somewhere more private?”

And of course, she happily agrees.

From the couch, Ash also agrees. “Oh that’s a great idea!” He reaches his arms out, fully expecting Raymond to lift him up so all three of them can disappear to chat. Though, he is ignored. Both Vanessa and Raymond zip right past him.

“You’re just going to leave me here??”

She is led outdoors, to this beautiful and large pool area. Whoever owns this house must be quite the amazing individual.

Their hands finally disconnect, and for a brief moment there’s a bit of regret from the both of them.

“So.. that’s your boss?” He laughed. “Is he always so…”

“Unfortunately, yes, he is.” He chuckled back. He seemed unfazed by it, like it was a common occurrence.

“Is he younger than you? He seems fresh out of college.” It was still hard to believe. There was no way Raymond was working for someone like Ash.

“He might as well be. This is the first party of his that I’ve been to after years of him asking.”

“Woah, okay Mr. Popular” she teased. She thought so. Raymond didn’t seem like this was his crowd.

He laughed, walking her towards the edge of the empty pool. Maybe to sneak more glances at her through the water reflection. Just to avoid him staring directly too much. “How do you like it so far? The party I mean.”

To be fair, she has hardly had much of an experience yet. But.. “I wasn’t. Until now,” in an attempt to hide her smile, she also turned her attention to the water. Though Raymond fully caught it.

“You know, I was actually really hoping I’d see you again after-“

Their moment was cut short as Vanessa felt a harsh push- a group of young men had ran out from the building, tossing an object so far that the one catching wasn’t paying much attention. Bumping right into Vanessa.

She made a light gasp as she slipped forward. Feeling Raymond’s hand wrap around her waist.

They both plummeted into the pool.

She had resurfaced before Raymond, taking a moment to process what just happened. But instinctively, she began to laugh and push aside her now soaked hair that covered her face. After getting her vision back, she swam to the edge and pulled herself up. Noticing Raymond follow right after her.

Before she could continue to make a joke out of it, she remembered that her phone was tucked away in her pocket- panicked as she pulled it out.

Nonono.

This was her only way of contact in case anything happened with Eli- she attempted to turn it on, but of course not even a single light flickered. “You’ve got to be kidding me..” she sat at the pull edge, still soaked and now sulking over her broken phone.

She notices Raymond’s shadow stand above her- extending his hand out for her to take. She turned her head up, the first thing her eyes went to was his belt buckle. Then his face.

And everything blanked.

Suddenly her phone wasn’t much of a concern anymore- reaching up and taking Raymond’s hand as he helped her back onto her feet.

Seemed like Raymond knew his way around- he walked her over to pool house not far. It was warm and cozy, providing them both with some life saving towels. She thanks him as he hands her one, using it to dry her hair.

All seems fine, until she notices Raymond start to unbutton his top and remove his shirt- wringing out the extra water.

She doesn’t notice her face redden, nor does she realize how hard she was staring. He’s toned, and perfectly built. It was impossible for a man to look this good.

He catches her stare, laughing. “Oh, sorry- I didn’t mean to strip like that.” A hint of embarrassment in his tone

“Oh no- it’s fine.. I would do the same but, I’m only wearing the dress,”

She doesn’t know why she felt the need to say that, but it clearly irked him on.

“i feel that,” he says, then backtracks. “i mean i- i don’t feel that- not like i know what that’s like but i just mean— i would agree that that’s, um, understandable”

Her heart melted. For a guy with such a stern demeanor, was quite the softie.

She heard sudden ringing coming from him- causing him to stumble for his phone. While he was busy with that, she walked a few steps to the neatly set up bed. She couldn’t help but notice how they had a moment of solitude now- no interruptions like that the park..

She laid out the towel in her hands against the edge of the bed. Speaking as she did so, “You know, it’s a bit quieter here..”

her words had caught Raymond’s attention. His eyes drifting from the contact on his phone to her.

She stretched her body out, taking a seat on the edge of the bed and looked up to him. With her hair and dress still damp, she knew it was partially see through. and her mascara was ever so slightly ruined by the water.

She still had a few tricks up her sleeve after all these years.

And it was working.

She watched as Raymond’s temperature in his face rose up, showing his eagerness as she was now at the same height of his hips.

Though she noticed him freeze up, clearly panicked and nervous. Maybe he wasn’t so interested in jumping to sleep with her.. her chest sunk as she as just about to suggest returning to the party. But to her surprise-

He joined her. Forcing her to lean back further as he hovered over her body- despite having fell in the pool, she can feel the body heat radiating off of him. And with their faces only inches apart, she could now smell the rich scent of whisky on him.

She thought in her head for a moment, about how the smell could just be from a spill at the party.. but she was curious, if it was really just his decision to have a few drinks. To find out for herself, she opted to get a taste of it.

Meeting their lips together into a surprisingly sweet kiss.

She let her eyes fall closed, noticing a few hiccups in Raymond’s actions. She wanted to giggle- starting them off slowly with the slow kiss, and letting him open up to it. The soft touch alone was enough to get him breathless- hearing him take a short break by groaning his sexual frustration out.

As if it couldn’t be anymore obvious on the poor guy.

Her arms find their way around Raymond’s neck, and she deepened the kiss by guiding her tongue in.

At the same time, he could feel one of his hands get tangled in her hair. And the other inching its way underneath the bottom of her dress. She hummed through his lips- begging for him to use his hand to explore every inch of her body.

But he didn’t.

He broke away from the kiss, and Vanessa was surprised to see this saddened look on his face. It reminded her of a lonely kitten behind bars.

“I’m sorry,” He whispers.

“What for?”

“I- I don’t know.. I don’t want to take advantage of you..” to make it even worse, he completely backs away- leaving her to pick up his shirt and throw it back on.

It was completely unexpected, and she couldn’t process it fast enough for his words to break her heart. “You aren’t,”

“I’d rather be with you completely sober.” He admits, his back turned to her. She’s unsure if it’s his alcoholic mind talking, or if she genuinely isn’t as desirable as she made herself out to be.

Truthfully though, she can tell he was completely serious about it. And the more she thought about the situation, the more she realized it was probably for the best.

Especially with them being at some strangers home, unknowingly ruining their property for a one night stand.

She gives him a nod, meeting his understanding.

She watches as he turns back around, now having fixed all the buttons on his shirt. Asking a shocking question,

“are you hungry?”

~

She would have never imagined she’d end up in the passenger seat of his car.

And his very own home.

The two had an amazing time together. Raymond offered to cook, which was a first for her. Normally she was the one making meals for her and Eli. So it was nice, to finally get a break.

And gods, was Raymond a chef in the kitchen. With each bite, her taste buds melted at the flavor. She was eternally grateful, and made sure he knew that.

After dinner, and some quick laughs between one another, Vanessa thought it would be best to return home. Of course, Raymond offered to take her. But just before they could make it to the door..

Crack.

A loud cackle and drum of thunder followed. It sounded quite furious- starting heavy rainfall outdoors.

“Maybe we shouldn’t risk it,”

She nods, “probably for the best..”

“You might even.. have to spend the night.” He teases the offer confidently.

Vanessa raised a brow, seductively leaning herself closer against his body. “Is that so?”

“It’s so.”

“And where would I sleep? Do you have a guest room?”

“I’ll let you find it.”

And like giddy teenagers, the two rush upstairs. She couldn’t help but notice how beautiful his home is laid out. From the coloring of the floors and walls, to the simple decor on the shelves. And of course, the single bedroom.

“You liar. This was all just a wild goose chase.” She stood at the doorway, crossing her hands with a smile.

“Was it?” He slips past her, opening one of the drawers to take out a clean shirt and pants. He fiddles with his watch for a moment, removing it.

“Were you trying to get me to lay in bed with you? You should have just asked,”

She’s taken back by him approaching, handing out the top to her. “Sleep in my bed.” It was hardly a question, more so a begging demand from him.

How could she say no.

She accepts the shirt from him, huffing. “Look away,” he turns obediently, and she begins to strip.

She replaces her clothing with his shirt, which might as well just been another dress. Luckily it was long enough to cover the fact that she didn’t prepare shorts underneath her previous gown.

“You can look now.” And he turns, taking the dress from her hands that she had folded up.

“*Look away,*” he mocks, and she is obliged to turn around. For the most part she’s turned away, but she couldn’t help but to slightly tilt her head, grabbing a peek-

And she’s startled to find Raymond’s eyes meet with hers. “I thought I told you to look away?” He was finished dressing anyways, pulling his sweatpants comfortably around his hips.

She rolled her eyes, fully turning to face him now. He's topless, and it’s distracting.

“You don’t sleep with a shirt?”

“Not usually.” He admits, watching as Vanessa climbed into his very own bed.

The cushion was soft, and the blankets even more so. It caused her to melt as she sprawled her back against the linen. His bed was larger than hers, a king. She’d never had so much space before…

Naturally, Raymond was enjoying her watching her stretch out on his bedding.

“How do you stay warm?”

“Well, there are some ways.” She begins to flick off the lights, keeping a far lamp warmly lit. “Like blankets and..”

“Human contact,”

He joins her in bed, laying pressed up against her side. His hand instinctively placing himself along her outer thigh. Using it to tug her closer than they already were.

“Why don’t you demonstrate?” She purrs out, inching her face closer to his until they meet again in another kiss.

It doesn’t last long however, as Raymond breaks away to instead wrap his arms around her waist. Hugging her against his chest. She can feel his heartbeat at this point- and other things..

she can tell he’s almost- fearful. Scared to do the wrong thing and move this any further. Even if they weren’t meant to spend a night of passion together, she was just as happy to have someone protecting her throughout the night for once.

It was… nice. Raymond provided a different type of warmth for her.

One so gentle and caring that she could easily see herself staying her. Not just for one night, either.

She feels his hand move aside her hair, exposing her neck for him to leave a stubble trail of kisses against her skin.

It felt unreal, as if she was already dreaming. But to her surprise, Raymond’s kisses, and the loud roaring of thunder and raindrops hitting his window only further helped her drift off to sleep.

~

*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*

I may have rushed to complete this one so please excuse any mistakes or hiccups in the writing 😅 but hopefully it was enjoyable anyways, Ty for reading 🫶🏼

[fidgetninja]

Hello! It's been about 5 and a half years since I last posted here! I'm honestly surprised I still have followers.

Obviously a lot has happened in those 5.5 years. I remembered about this blog recently because I've recently restarted meds (atomoxetine aka Strattera) after being off it for over 2 and a half years.

Ngl, it's been a real struggle. I can go into the details in another post, but essentially I trialled going off meds 2.5 years ago and was never informed by the specialist that if I ever wanted to go back on them, I'd have to go through the whole referral process again, including being on the waiting list.

In 2015/16 when I was first referred and then diagnosed, that was 9 months. In 2022, it was anywhere from 2-5 years! And even then, that's an estimate based off crowdsourcing, as no clinic gives an estimated wait time any more.

So I put myself on the waitlist again, at the time thinking I could manage for a few years. Turns out, I couldn't. My life has fallen apart in a lot of ways and I've had a very difficult time. I've gone through life events that anyone would find a challenge, but having an untreated condition like ADHD has exacerbated it immensely. Furthermore, I moved house 1.5 years into the waitlist, meaning I was discharged and told I had to start again in my local area. The new clinic refused to honour my wait time.

Which leads me to the last month. I made the difficult decision to go private, gathering up savings and meticulously planning finances. I'm glad I made that decision. It was a 2.5 week wait for an appointment, and then I got meds to my door 2 days later. I'm now 8 days into atomoxetine.

I'm sure a lot of you have heard about how the NHS/healthcare in the UK is going through a crisis (or you may have experienced it yourself). It has badly hit long-term care of chronic conditions, as well as healthcare that was already underrepresented and/or stigmatised.

I've been very angry at my country for a long time, and I've felt increasing despair. However the last couple of weeks I've began to feel some hope. It's gonna be tough as I try to put my life back together, but I finally have the fuel I need to make the hard work I put in reap rewards.

I don't exactly know what I'll post here, but I like the idea of posting about my experiences semi-regularly again. It seemed to help people, and hell, it helped me to go back and read my old med logs to remember what exactly to expect going back on atomoxetine.

I hope you're all doing well. The world is a scarier place than it was 5.5 years ago, but I hope you're all still managing to fight and find joy in it, even small things.

Take care everyone!

[cozycreaturescorner]

OK. actually officially trying to slowly come back to my Tumblr now! I'll likely be cleaning out a bunch of stuff in the next few days, and hope to start posting more regularly again!

some updates:

-i'm attempting to learn how to tap dance

-i just started ritalin a few days ago at the suggestion of my psych and woww I can't believe everyone else has refused to prescribe a stimulant until now! my pain is actually pretty manageable and I already feel a bit more even-keeled

-i initiated getting back in touch with the only cis man (and probably sweetest person) I've been with (we've both tried to meet up again over the years to no avail); we're trying to find time to hang out soon under the guise of likely a concert or parafencing lesson

-i finally had the appointment with my geneticist I waited nearly a year for, and he 100% believes I have a connective tissue disorder. i'm battling insurance to cover the DNA testing he ordered though, so I still don't have an official diagnosis

-i got a reasonable chunk of money deposited recently from a covid relief grant for individuals in the arts!

-i'm trying to get in contact with the local commission on disability to actually make concrete steps towards fixing the myriad of accessibility issues I've encountered around my town and am unfortunately only just noticing as a part time wheelchair user

-I saw TWO different broadway musicals (Chicago and Some Like it Hot) in the past couple months (payed for by my estranged and disgusting dead grandfather's will money. the only good thing anyone got from him)

-i'm so much stronger and better in my wheelchair now that I have power assisted wheels-this shit is amazing (I've already ridden 40 miles in total with them)

-i'm auditioning for a play for this season with the triple bonus features that it's right in town, about queer shit, and had an audition form that asked me about my access needs and (then casting folks who informed me) how they could meet them

-i'm in the process of trying to get SSDI so I can actually have closer to enough income every month to support myself independently and move out of my parents' house

-my testosterone is extremely high and yet after 6 years I don't look extremely masculine: a medical mystery. I inject .30ml IM once a week, which should put me at the lower end of the average cis guy range, but apparently my levels are markedly higher than that (the high cis t level of 1,070ng/dl vs. my recent level of 1,3011)

[softness-and-shattering]

It can genuinely be really scary, to find yourself wondering "hey if there was a fire right now, could I get up, or would I just lie here?" Because youve been in overdrive and overdrive is broken. Id like to believe that the will to live would prevail but I wouldnt know until I was in that situation. Is real danger processed differrently to psychological danger?

I did have a situation the other night struggling to get food together for dinner, my partner was also exhausted, we planned badly (not at all) for shops being closed and I had a few moments of "guess we're starving tonight then". And then I was just up and moving toward the kitchen to see what could be scrounged. Im not sure I made a conscious decision to do so. Theres a tiny bit of, its not quite learned helplessness, its like theres levels of Cant Do A Thing. And sometimes when Thing Needs Doing and you Cant, but no one else can, its like it increases in urgency and then you reavaluate your spoons. Like a lot of the time my partner helps me with things I could technically do, but if I did Id be in more pain, Id have less energy to do things I enjoy that makes life worthwhile, and to her its not such a big deal to do. And sometimes we pingpong a task back and forth trying to measure how deep we would each have to dig to get it done and who will have the very relatively easier time. And sometimes the push does come with more pain, or meltdown, or panic, or tears. Some tasks just arent negotiable.

One of the worst things about being disabled, the most draining, and I sort of forgot it was unusual till Hank Green mentioned it in one of his videos about his cancer, that it was a new amd exhausting ezperience for him. Youre having to make countless decisions day in and day out. Constantly measuring energy against task against urgency or need, against survival vs fun and enjoyment, against what else is planned for the day and the week and the month, am I choosing between tasks, am I even calculating correctly. On top of that, constant monitoring of the self. How am I feeling, are these known symptoms, do they need treatment right now, ok which treatment? Is this abnormal, is it worrying, should I mention it to my dr? How long since I last had painkillers? This symptom has three conditions in common, if its a migraine I need meds immediately but if its just dehydration I dont want to be taking meds I dont need -

And on top of that is actual appointments. I had to take a months long break from most medical care because I burnt out of being able to convey relevant information and understand relevant information and parse it all and make decisions about treatment and tests. and then scheduling and scheduling and scheduling, theres only so many appointments one can attend in a week in a month so everything takes time and if you overbook you end up crashed and panicked and unable to function to even show up and its endless. Its hundreds of important health related decisions day in and day out and then we still have to decide what to eat for lunch like everyone else. On less capacity than everyone else.

Sometimes you just need to step back and rest for an hour a day a week a month. A couple years. Pacing is difficult. Resting is absurdly difficult. Im definitely out of spoons for more of this rn. Its. A lot. Burnout is so so real and the only way through is maximum rest.

One thing I don't think the Spoon metaphor has helped able-bodied people understand is that you can overdraw.

Generally, for most conditions, running out of spoons doesn't mean you collapse, doesn't produce an effect they can actually see. What it means is that you run on life support, quite possibly unsafely, until you get to a safe place and can stop. But you'll owe those spoons back, with interest. You'll have hurt yourself to do it.

Sometimes I hang out with a friend and they'll be like, wow, I'm really glad you had a good day. And I have to decide whether to make them feel bad by explaining that in fact they did not catch me on a good day, and tomorrow will probably be bad. I just made choices.

[katherinemathew]

Finding the Right Path Through Study and Work – Sophie's Story

Sophie, an adult with cerebral palsy, shares her story about navigating the challenges of tertiary education and finding a rewarding profession

Year 12 often represents a pivotal transition in someone’s life as they leave school and go onto further education, employment, or other pathways. As a young person with cerebral palsy, I reflect back on this time, nine years later, and I remember feelings of excitement and curiosity but also more nerves and anxiety. This was largely due to the fact that my post school life didn’t have a clear and linear path.

In Year 10, as part of the curriculum in NSW every student is required to participate in a week of work experience. In my case, I felt that my options were extremely limited because while my peers were working in hairdressers, vets, and cafes, I knew due to my physical limitations that these jobs were not going to be practical for me. My mum and I reached out to the Cerebral Palsy Alliance, an organisation that I had been affiliated with all my life. Some people reading this may argue that this was an easy option, and maybe at the time, it was.

From that moment forward I knew that I wanted to work in the disability sector in some capacity.

Fast forward to the last couple of months of year 12 where my head is buried in books trying to retain information that I would forget as soon as the ‘pencils are down’. At this time, I am also juggling many specialist appointments which are exhausting to say the least. Especially when I’m having to undergo rigorous standardised testing to prove the special provisions that I would need to complete the HSC on an equal basis. But amidst all this, I’m also trying to figure out the next chapter.

As part of every students’ departure from schooling life, they and their parent/guardian are required to have a meeting with the Careers Advisor. I remember sitting in the office and the advisor asked if I had any thoughts about my future possibilities and I replied: “I’m looking at social work at uni, but I’m unsure if I can do it because of a key part of the degree is to complete 1000 hours of placement over the 4 year degree”, my mum added “having been to a few uni open days, I am worried that Soph will not get the support she needs whilst being considered a number in such a big place”.

The Careers Advisor looked at both of us and said “have you considered TAFE?”. I must admit, I hadn’t really thought of TAFE as an option. Whether this was because it wasn’t largely advertised or spoken about as a post-school option or, because all I heard amongst my peers was: “what university open day have you been to?”, “what courses are you going to apply for?”. Given this was the conversation that was happening around me, there was a seemingly unspoken pressure or assumption that university was the most prestigious path to take. If you didn’t go to uni, you weren’t going to succeed and you were going to fall behind.

As one door closed, it was time to look forward to the next chapter.

TAFE started in January 2016 and I enrolled in a Certificate IV of Community Services. The worries we had in terms of me being a number in the university system quickly faded. Smaller classes were a reality and in this space I began to find myself and have my voice heard. TAFE allowed me to have meaningful relationships with my peers rather than meeting someone in one class with no guarantee that you would see them again the following semester. TAFE was different. My entire cohort stayed together for the 12-month course and many of us went on to do the Diploma of Community Services the following year.

Both these courses allowed me to slowly take more independent steps in a supportive environment and I witnessed my confidence grow and my anxiety around new situations fade. During this time I also had the support of a Youth Coach who also happened to have lived experience of cerebral palsy. As a young person who was trying to find her feet in the big wide world, I can’t tell you just how invaluable this support was. My Youth Coach was able to pass on the skills and knowledge she had as another person with cerebral palsy.

Read the full article to know more about Finding the Right Path Through Study and Work — Sophie’s Story

#cp #mycpguide #cerebralpalsysupport #cerebralpalsyresources

[la-principessa-nuova]

I keep writing long posts about my struggles deciding how/when to schedule my HRT appointment, deciding that they’re TMI and saving them as drafts, then trying again to say it shorter and failing.

But basically my options are:

Schedule a physical in late August (or early September with a doctor with “LGBTQ+ training”), ask for a referral to an endocrinologist, go from there

Overcome some executive function challenges to talk to someone there and find out if I can get a sooner appointment given I want to bring this up, or if maybe I can get a referral to endocrinology without an appointment somehow.

Fuck all that BS and get an appointment at Planned Parenthood tomorrow, but my parents will probably find out I had some sort of doctor’s appointment and ask about it.

Schedule an appointment at PP the week after next and be able to talk with my therapist about it first, knowing I can cancel if I decide to go the traditional route, but my parents will know I went somewhere and ask about it.

And keep in mind that for some reason I’m incapable of lying to my parents and so if they ask, I will either need to say something that is at least technically true and hope I can be convincing of it and that they don’t pry further, or else I will probably just shut down and not respond. Otherwise this would be a very easy decision.

This is one of those cases where being neurodivergent makes me feel so pathetic because I am in a situation that most trans people would kill for, to have multiple options for legally getting HRT that both use informed consent and can be obtained within a few months, one of them within a couple days, and the only thing standing between me and that is tasks that most people consider incredibly basic and easy.

And this is why anyone who says that putting a label on neurodivergence isn’t helpful has no idea what they’re talking about. Knowing that these are normal struggles for people with Autism and ADHD makes it so much easier to get through these feelings. Like right now I am pacing around on my lunch break, venting about this on Tumblr, feeling a little teary-eyed to share this, but overall mostly just hungry and tired as per usual.

But if I still didn’t know, like I didn’t a couple years ago, I would be lying face-down on my bed, crying right now, feeling that deep, painful, sinking feeling in my chest.

Right now, I am working up the nerve to push through and do the things I’m struggling to execute on because I know they’re important, and I know that sometimes I just have to do that and it’s worth the effort. Back then, I would be so sad about the fact that I am the only person who can’t handle these basic tasks that they would become even harder and I would be in no position to do them.

Anyway, all this to say, while I’m mostly just venting, if anyone has any advice in terms of which of the 4 options above I should go with, feel free to share.

[thehappilyeverafter]

6/26/23 Cold War: Part 2

Background

A couple months ago, I entered another cold war (perhaps inappropriately named) with mama. This post attempts to document the context, e.g. my justification, for posteriority; I find that I'm not actually able to remember quite why the first one occurred years ago. I only remember the arguing loudly with her and strong feelings of frustration in Portland, after an already infuriating conversation with my dad.

What Happened

My mom cracked her phone a few months ago in early April 2023. She ended up going to the Apple store to get it repaired on April 7. She called me twice around 12:12 pm because the Apple employee needs access to the iPhone/her Apple ID account. However, I don't pick up because I'm napping.

I call her back when I do see the two missed called at 1:20 pm. However, this call goes straight to voicemail. I text her "Sorry I had a meeting" to excuse my missed calls. But I'm not too worried about her situation. I received emails that her Apple ID password is reset, so I surmise that the employee was able to resolve the issue and that the phone is likely under repair at the moment. I also received an email containing information about the repair appointment and estimated pick up time of 2:15 pm. Consequently, I decide that everything is fine and I will just call her afterward to apologize for missing her calls.

I call her at 4:10 pm and received no answer. I called her again at 6:55 pm and still no answer. I call her the next day on April 8, Saturday at 5:08 pm and still no answer. I believe I also asked my sister to try calling her and that that was unsuccessful as well. I call her again on April 9 at 3:18 pm and still no answer. Finally, I text her at 3:19 pm asking her if she's receiving my calls but receive no response. I suspect she is intentionally ignoring me, but I want to be absolutely certain before instigating an argument. I ask Uncle Kenny to call her to confirm she's OK. He gets back to me indicating that he was able to successfully call her and talk to her and that she's fine. I have my confirmation.

Finally, at 9:52 pm on Sunday April 9, she texts me "Call me". I call her at 10:12 pm and we have a 10 minute argument. It turns out that my suspicions were correct; she has been intentionally ignoring my calls as some form of retribution for me missing her two calls on Friday. During the phone call, I had the impression she was ready to move on (after all, she did ignore me for 2 days), but I wasn't. I told her that missing two phone calls did not justify her behavior toward me and that I wanted an apology. She didn't understand that I had been privy to the repair information via emails e.g. it's success despite my inaction and its specific times. She did not understand why I was so upset or why I felt that she was wrong and that I deserved an apology. Ultimately, I told her I wasn't going home that Friday April 14 as originally planned. She said "Fine!". And we hung up.

Fallout

We haven't talked since that phone call on April 9. It's been around 2 and half months since. My dad texted me recently (while I was flying back from NYC for AddeConf) on June 23 about how my sister and I shouldn't mistreat/ignore my mom and that we're all she has. And I understand that. But I texted back "It's her choice. She never called me".

The intentional rejection of my phone calls as retribution for the accidental rejection of her phone calls is childish and abusive. I was worried the whole weekend and considered the possibility that something had happened to her. And I'm not being malicious or difficult in my reaction. I simply ask for an apology. And she can't even be bothered to provide that. Despite her devotion to raising me and my sister, I won't tolerate disrespect, even from her. Rather than lift us up and inspire us as a parent, she chooses to play these psychologically manipulative, exhausting games.

Additionally, the fact that this is the second cold war fuels my resolution to continue this standoff. It has soured my opinion of my mom and what I think our relationship. She clearly is immature, stubborn, and short-sighted. There are also clear limitations to her compassion/love if she is willing to ignore me and enter into cold wars so easily rather simply reflect apologize.

I do feel guilty when I reflect on how my mom is living her life without her children visiting as often. However, as I told my dad, it's her choice and she can resolve things easily. For now, I will continue forward on this path.

[topazshadowwolf]

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE LotR and adore Aragorn/Arwen. I would vote for them if it wasn't for the fact that I have been writing Soriel fics for years. So, yes, as much as I love seeing Aragorn and Arwen together, they didn't inspire me to create.

My love for this odd couple has led me to imagine all sorts of paths for them. I love to think about them in all the different timelines that are canon in the game. So please enjoy this tiny fic and have some fluff. This is in the neutral ending with Toriel as queen, as no one died except (poor) Asgore.

---

“knock, knock,” came the calm, deep, and soothing voice from the other side of the door.

“Who is there,” Toriel replied. She was so tired and had no time for this. Yet, she could not turn him down.

“hive,” came the response, and she smiled from her desk, resting her head on a hand.

“Hive, who,” she said as she continued their ritual greeting of jokes.

“hive got my arms full… can you get the door?” He asked, and at first, she laughed. When he didn’t open the door to her office, she realized it wasn’t all a joke.

“Oh! You were serious!” She said before jumping up and rushing to the door.

In all likelihood, he could use his magic to get in, but that would go against their tradition. Toriel opened it, and Sans shuffled in, arms indeed full. He was carrying a large stack of folders, files, and papers. Magic dotted the top of his skull, imitating sweat. A look of relief crossed his face as he set the stack on her desk. 

Once they were out of his arms, he flopped down in the armchair he used when visiting and huffed out a sigh. “there,” he said.

“There, indeed…,” she replied as she walked over and looked over the stack. “And what is this?”

“reports with summaries, the documents you wrote first drafts of for the peace orders… edited and typed out for you to read over and sign if i transcribed them right… and other paperwork you’ve been bogging yourself down with. hive been a busy bee,”  he replied, then leaned back into the chair cushion, looking rather pleased with himself.

“… Sans… when?” she looked everything over. It was well done and not his usual, barely cutting it, work. “You have been busy, indeed. This saved me hours of work. How sweet of you, honey!”

A slight hint of color dusted his cheekbones, and she hoped her joke wasn’t too forward. “thanks, just wanted to help the… uh… queen bee…. you’ve been working so hard lately. wanna make sure you know you don’t gotta do this all on your own.”

“Well, thank you, my dear friend. I just have one last thing to do, and then I will be free to tell jokes and talk,” She said as she smiled at him.

“what’s that?” Sans inquired.

“I need to try finding out who Asgore had appointed as a judge so I can set up a meeting with that monster. It is vital that the Queen and Royal Judge agree on laws. Asgore made being human in the Underground illegal. I wish to know if the judge agrees with my change of that law, and if not, I will need a new judge,” She sighed.

“no worries, tori, i happen to know who the judge is. wanna meet the judge tomorrow for lunch?” Sans asked.

That surprised her as the judge's identity is supposed to be secret. But Sans did seem to know nearly everyone, as he said. Perhaps the enigmatic skeleton had somehow come across that information?

“i know him well enough to know he’s free tomorrow at noon,” Sans replied with a grin. It was a cheeky one, too… he was up to something. What though, she didn’t know. Still, she trusted him at his word.

“Alright, I will meet him then,” She replied and stood there momentarily.

Sans did the stack of paperwork she had been fearing… and now he also set up her meeting with the judge. She was caught up with her work. Until now, it was a constant fight to keep up with everything. With everything she planned to do today done, she suddenly didn’t know what to do.

“come over here,” Sans said as he stood on the chair.

“What are you doing?” She asked while giggling.

“tryin’ to be taller, now turn around,” he directed, and she did as he asked.

“You really should not be stannnn… ooooh…,” Toriel felt herself melt as dexterous boney fingers started to knead her shoulders.

“wanna sit?” He asked, and she nodded. Stepping back, he directed her to sit in front of him. With that, he continued to work, and she felt the tension she had been unknowingly carrying roll away.

Once done, he moved to sit on the arm of the chair. Toriel frowned for a moment as she looked at him. “I do not think this chair was made to support someone sitting there.”

“s’alright, tori, not like I weigh a skeleton,” he chuckled.

The pun got a giggle from her before she sighed and leaned back into the chair. “I am sorry, my friend… this was supposed to be jokes and talking.”

“eh, i’m tired too. point is, we are buddies hanging out, right?” He asked, and she nodded.

“I suppose so. Other than that stack of papers, did you do much today?” Toriel asked while looking at him.

“me, no… buuuuut, my brother had quite the day,” He said. 

Intrigued, she asked him to continue, and he told her about Papyrus and his time in hot lands. The younger skeleton spent part of his day discussing the vent puzzles with other engineers. She didn’t know when she fell asleep through the story, but his calm, deep voice soothed her worries. When she later woke up, she found that the lights had been turned off and a blanket laid over her. Soft snoring got her attention, and she looked over to see Sans sleeping soundly where he had been sitting. He had ended up leaning against her in his sleep. She found even that slight amount of weight against her oddly comforting.

It meant she wasn’t alone…

Toriel smiled, moving the blanket to cover him before letting herself drift off to sleep again. 

[look-at-the-soul]

If I let you go - Cillian Murphy x reader

One shot

Master list

A/N: So, I finally got this out of my soul ☺️ this is something like a parallel to The Photoshoot (but with a twist) you’ll find another note in the end from me 😉 because I don’t want to ruin the fun for you! Also if you don’t follow that story don’t worry it’s nothing related

✨ The beginning of the story it’s like “present time” then you will find a flashback to their story -don’t worry I marked where it starts and where it ends everything in italics- and the last part is back to present time following right before where the flashback started.

I used the If I let you go song by Westlife for inspiration (this live version is amazing!)

On that Sunday morning you couldn’t believe the pregnancy test over the counter came back as positive.

This couldn’t be happening!

Rushing to the clinic that a friend of yours owned, you asked her to run the ultrasound as soon as possible to confirm it.

Eleven weeks and a half, she had announced.

You had only been with Cillian officially for a month, met him the previous one, Mar made you go date after date for two weeks before that.

But now something bigger than you was growing inside your belly.

You heard the heartbeat!

Your plans, your dreams, everything became less important now, you were carrying a new life inside of you regardless of the situation and circumstances.

It took you some time to process the news, staying in complete silence, your friend offered a comforting hand when you needed it the most. You even had a some wine during the dates! Not knowing you were pregnant, how irresponsible! Even though your friend and now gynecologist too assured you the baby was healthy and perfect, you had a million questions, you never skipped your period, how would you tell your parents?

She scheduled another appointment in a couple of days to run more tests and give you important indications given the unplanned pregnancy.

But you drove back home with only one thing in mind.

How would you tell Cillian?

First you ignored his call as you arrived, then his messages asking if you wanted to have lunch at his place, then Marissa’s messages started clogging your phone asking if you were alright and that Cillian called her to see if she knew anything, it was almost noon now.

Ignoring both, you went to take a warm bath, trying to let the news sink in, checking yourself in the mirror your hands moved down to your still flat stomach. You were carrying a baby in there!

George and you broke up in bad terms, hurting each other so much, love was no longer a priority, but you always knew you wanted to be a mother, at some point you visited a fertility clinic to ask information about sperm donors, but as Marissa heard that, she started setting you up in several dates to help you change your mind, she was convinced you would actually find someone good to have everything you wanted.

That’s when Cillian came along and changed everything you believed in.

But your relationship was only starting, you just began sleeping together, you didn’t even know his family, he had met yours once… nevertheless, you wouldn’t lie to him about the baby.

The silence of your mind and flat was interrupted by his voice calling for you from the door, knocking several times.

“I was deadly worried about you, Y/N. Thought something bad happened.”

“Well, that depends of the point of view.”

“You’re scaring me, why didn’t you answer the phone?” He looked at your pale skin, there were worried lines all over your face.

You asked him to sit down without looking into his eyes.

“I’m pregnant, Cillian.” You finally blurted out, terrified of his reaction. “And it’s obviously not yours because we just started sleeping together this weekend.”

There, you said it after he asked you why you weren’t answering his calls or messages, thinking he did something wrong or disrespected you over the first night you spent together.

It was your ex-boyfriend’s baby, after being together for six years, that relationship could only end up in a breakup, and it was better late than ever.

But just as you decided to start officially a relationship with Cillian after weeks of dating, you bought a pregnancy test at the pharmacy that morning. And the result of it would probably change everything between you.

***

(Flashback)

“You didn’t have to go into all this trouble just to get me another date.”

“No trouble at all, it’s a shame you felt bad in the middle of my birthday celebration last week, you would’ve met him there, he arrived just after you left.” Mar stormed into your walk in closet as if it was hers.

“In case you didn’t notice, there was a hit of sarcasm.”

She ignored you completely on purpose, focused on helping you get ready for the date in which she set you up.

“Just meet him, smile a little bit, have a chat… it’s not so hard Y/N.” Marissa, your best friend pleaded while walking back with a couple of options for you to wear.

“That’s what you said in the last eight times you set me up with someone, you’ve a terrible taste in men.” In the men she introduced you to at least, because Ian, her boyfriend was the perfect match for her.

“This one is different, I promise you.”

Checking over your shoes, she picked some nude stilettos.

“Hmm.”

“A little cheering would make you seem more attractive you know?”

Sighting, you decided to do your own make up, if you let your friend do it, she would hang a for sale sign around your neck. And besides, your tastes were so different.

“I could write a book of all the terrible and ridiculous stories I’ve heard from all your candidates, you know what, Mar?” You started to change your clothes into the ones she picked. “I could actually make a lot of money if I ever decide to write a book with advice for women going out on set up dates by their best friends with the most pathetic men out there.”

“It was only one mistake, you’re exaggerating things.”

“Hugh called his mother to ask what he should have for dinner!” You stated. “Should I also remind you that Paul was a complete knob and rude to the poor waitress?”

“Paul was going through a rough day.”

The list could go on. “And what about-”

Marissa interrupted you. “Alright, I get it you don’t have to rub it in my face. I was just trying to help you see the fishes in the sea.”

“What if I’m allergic to sea food?”

“Stop! Just go to this freaking date.” She was losing her patience.

“Jesus, calm down…” You looked at her through the mirror.

“I promise you this is the perfect match for you.”

“You shouldn’t try so hard, I probably have a bad-luck spell on love.” Or very high expectations for the matter.

Marissa preferred to call you picky. Nevertheless, she drove you to the pub you chose and left chirping excitedly wishing you to have fun. Telling your name, you were guided to a booth close to the wall, not a lot of people around.

Trying to not create high expectations about this date, you decided to ask the only question that really mattered.

“Is he a good man?”

The smile she gave you, sent shivers down your spine.

***

“Y/N?” The man asked getting up to greet you.

The first thing you noticed was his smile, the corners of his lips lifting up.

It was inviting and warm, making you feel at home instantly.

“Yes.” You nodded smiling back.

“Marissa has been talking a lot about you, I’m Cillian.”

Mentally, you thanked your best friend for encouraging you to use your favorite perfume, because you noticed the little instant when he took a deep breath while kissing your cheek.

“She’s been talking about you as well.”

“Only the good things, I hope.” The smile reached his eyes and he asked what you wanted to drink.

The night went surprisingly smooth, you had an incredible endless chat, never stopping because of weird moments of silence, all the contrary, you easily engaged over one topic and another, he was such an interesting man and listened to you intensely, he was really engaged in conversation.

You both agreed on even asking for some appetizers to share.

You learned he had divorced a couple of years ago, no unnecessary drama, no kids, no hard feelings and he listened to you when you told him about your recent breakup after a very long relationship.

“Before the night ends, would it be okay if I want to see you again, Y/N?”

You played with your hair a little in a nervous reaction.

“I’d like that.” You couldn’t stop the words, you were captivated by him, the rest of the world disappeared.

He was equally into you, grateful that you had a light character, he was lost in your eyes and smile.

“Where have you been all this time?” He asked while his thumb toyed around his glass.

“Making bad decisions.” You chuckled a little.

He gave you again that smile. “I hope this isn’t cataloged as a bad one.”

“No, I’ll actually thank Mar for this.”

“I’m curious, why did you choose this pub?” He leaned forward as if waiting for you to share a secret.

“Well, Mar has been setting me up in several da-thons, you know for date and marath-”

He laughed and clapped at your made-up word. “I got it.” Slowly, he ran his fingers through his locks.

“And I don’t feel comfortable when I try to split the bill for the food and the guy doesn’t want to, also the waitress just keeps coming in to interrupt the conversation, if the date goes wrong you just have a drink and go home or you stay until they turn on the lights…”

“That’s fascinating, which is actually what’s about to happen by the way.” Cillian pointed at the tables around them, the chairs were already up. “So can I call this a successful date if you didn’t ran after the first drink?”

“This is actually danger at its finest.” You had a feeling that Marissa’s matchmaker skills would no longer be necessary. “I made a lot of mistakes in the past, I’d like to take things slow this time though.”

Your legs brushed under the table. When did he place his arm on the top your chair? Behind your back.

“I’ll be a gentleman.” He gave you a small wink and looked intensely into your eyes, he was talking from the heart, you not only had caught his eye, you had his undivided attention, he wanted to know more about you.

All about you actually. “But I’m not splitting the bill for the record.” He added then.

“But-” You started to protest.

“No buts, this is not negotiable, but we can discuss it over dinner whenever you can.”

“Cillian.” You tried to reason with him once you walked out of the pub.

Lifting his hand to interrupt you again, he added: “The only thing I’m splitting with you is dessert.”

You then negotiated to buy him a coffee at least. Which he accepted as an excuse to see you in the next couple of days before you two reached the door of the pub, realizing that time went by in a blink, it was dark now, everything was so quiet. Cillian wanted to make sure you made it safe back to your place, that’s why he insisted on sharing an uber, he’d take you home first, then he would go to his.

“Marissa drove me, she wanted to make sure I wouldn’t run away.” You chuckled.

“How did you meet her?”

“In high school, we became best friends instantly, what about you?”

Even in the dark of the car, you could see him smirking. “So… she knows all the juicy secrets, I might give her call later.”

“You can’t do that!”

When he laughed, you loved the sound of it, it was a deep loud hearty laughter. “Don’t worry I won’t,” he winked again. “We met while I was filming a voice commercial, like around five years ago and we’ve made a couple of collaborations since then.”

That night he behaved like a true gentleman, he wanted to respect your own time and pace and you felt incredibly grateful for that.

But also you were feeling a bit flirty so you placed our hands on his shoulders and kissed him goodbye right in the corner of his lips.

No on his cheek, not fully on the mouth, just a little tease.

“You better go inside if you want me to take this slow.” He warned you in a whisper.

***

The following day you went out with him for the coffee you promised and again, the two of you shared the most fascinating talk; you learning more about his career, he about yours. It felt like catching up with a long-time friend, but you keep noticing the way his eyes moved down to your lips every now and then.

Your friend called at least ten times already, she wanted to know everything about your date and she even called Cillian as well, both of you decided to ignore the messages and calls, but you could picture Mar stomping her foot and pacing around the room going crazy to hear everything about the date. She was probably outside your place now.

Walking with you to your car, Cillian smiled pleased with himself, you already said yes to join him to the Radiohead concert next weekend.

“What? Is Mar bombarding you with messages again?”

“Nothing.” But he kept smiling.

In response you arched your eyebrow, you needed to leave or you would be late.

“Well… see you on Saturday.” As you moved to kiss him goodbye, he surprised you by turning his head to his right and instead of kissing his cheek, your lips ended up pressing together for an instant.

It was just a peck, but you when you saw him smiling the way he did, you knew he moved his head on purpose!

“It was my turn to leave you wanting for more.” And with that, he walked away.

Texting back and forth, long calls once you arrived home and between breaks from work quickly became a regular in the course of the following days.

You could still feel Cillian’s lips against yours.

After the concert, there was another date and another one, a walk around the park with his dog, a quick trip to get your computer to the repair store because you dropped water over it, the two of you spend a lot of time together, teasing each other, Marissa demanded a detailed summary of each date and even suggested a double date to celebrate, which you politely delayed for some weeks. Sometimes she seemed more excited about it than you, but you knew that was her personality.

Cillian had taken seriously your request to take things slowly, he didn’t demand anything, never tried to push you to do something, but there was a point when in the middle of a random conversation you noticed he wasn’t paying attention at all.

“So it’s okay if I do that?” You tried him.

“Hmm.” He nodded and you didn’t even say anything specific.

“Am I boring you?”

He snapped out immediately from dreamland, he had been fantasying about your lips for a while.

“What? No! Sorry I was just miles away.” He suddenly looked away from you.

“Is everything alright?”

Cillian pouted. “I was just thinking how it’s been great getting to know you like this, Y/N… but truth is I need more, I want to make this official.” He pointed at the space between the two of you. “And we can take this as slow as you want, but I want to know that we’re both willing to do anything to give this a try.” He took the glass of wine from your hand and went back to look into your eyes. “I don’t want to you to feel any pressure, but-”

“I want the same thing, Cillian.” You confirmed him, taking his hand. “And I also want to thank you for following my pace and-”

But he stopped your words as he held your head and brought his lips to yours in a proper kiss, then dropping feather-like kisses all over your face you felt happier than ever.

Pulling away after a while you couldn’t stop the smile decorating your face, both were unable to find the right words so you let your lips do the talking and pulled him close for another one.

***

For some weeks he kept his promise to respect your time, until one night you finally gave in into the desire that had been building since the beginning.

After having diner in his place, he suggested you choose a movie, but it wasn’t really interesting and your bodies were already close, one side look turned into a smile, and the smile became a kiss, then hands started to move around, everywhere, until clothes hindered you and he ended guiding you to his bedroom. Soon you were under his body, moaning his name, feeling like you could explode from the pleasure any minute.

Enjoying every move, every touch until you couldn’t take it anymore. After reaching his own release and barely after a couple of minutes from pulling out from your body, you went again for another round.

It was a dream, finding him at the right time, at the best moment of your life.

He made you feel happy, safe, always in a cheerful mood, he made your life easier and you also loved that he was a good listener, you loved every time he showed you the new book he bought or a film that no one else would watch.

Cillian made you believe in love again.

(End of flashback)

There was a heavy silence after you told him the news of your pregnancy and that the father was George, your ex boyfriend. Oh, and why not? That you were keeping the baby.

“I know everything seems so confusing right now, but I didn’t cheat on you, I got pregnant, we broke up and then I met you, that’s the short version of the story.”

He remained in silence, his elbows resting over his knees, his face between his hands.

“I’m sorry this is happening, the last thing I want is to hurt you, but I hope you understand my priorities are different now, damn everything is different now! I’m really sorry.”

You didn’t want to let go of the best of your life, but you couldn’t ask him to stay with you either. You were pregnant with someone else’s baby after all.

“Hopefully one day, you’ll forgive me… either way I want to thank you for giving me back all the things I didn’t know I was missing.” You swallowed hard.

Cillian felt like throwing up. The blood running down his body. This wasn’t what he was expecting when he knocked on your door.

Looking at you, he only found that the words wouldn’t come out.

He needed fresh air, needed a fucking drink.

Taking his keys, he walked out without another word and you knew that was it, that was the end of your love story.

The heartache was nothing you felt before, the man of your life just slipped from you. Walking towards the couch where he previously was sitting, your wrapped your body in the blue jacket he left, it smelled like him and it was still warm. This was the hardest you had ever done in your life and you weren’t sure you could even try to forget him, because even though you had met him for a short period of time, it felt like a lifetime.

***

The following morning Scout brought him the stick he was playing with but Cillian didn’t even pay attention.

Your words had been playing in the back of his mind like a song you can’t get rid of.

But this wasn’t a song, this was life fucking up his plans. He remembered the first time he said I love you, exactly on this spot of the beach after you decided to make your relationship official, it took you a couple of days to say it back, he knew you had your own times and he had promised to not rush you into anything.

But a baby with your ex boyfriend? That was major words.

He knew he loved you, you were funny and he loved he was able to be himself around you, but raising a baby was a completely different thing.

You could have easily fool him if you wanted to, just needed to lie about the timing, but you weren’t like that, that’s why you tried to avoid him most part of the day, he could only imagine how hard it must’ve been for you to open up to him.

Should he just move on and leave you behind? A million possibilities crossed his mind.

Closing his eyes, he allowed the waves crashing down to help him free his mind from all the questions he had, but as he did it, he could only see you smiling back at him.

Was he ready to go on with his life without you in it?

Did he really want to let you go?

Day after day Time pass away And I just can't get you off my mind Nobody knows I hide it inside I keep on searching, but I can't find The courage to show to letting you know I've never felt so much love before And once again I'm thinking about Taking the easy way out But if I let you go, I will never know What my life would be holding you close to me Will I ever see you smiling back at me? (Oh yeah) how will I know if I let you go? Night after night I hear my self say Why can't this feeling just fade away? There's no one like you, you speak to my heart

Knocking desperately on your door, he was growing impatient as there was no answer. Maybe you were at work, he tried calling to your cellphone but it was turned off. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Perhaps you went to Mar’s house, he would drive there, turning around he was about to go when you opened the door.

“Cillian?”

His heart stopped beating at the sight of you; your hair was a mess, there were bags under your eyes and your forehead and cheeks were red as if you had been crying. But he didn’t care, to him you were the most beautiful person in the world.

“I’m sorry I walked out like that.” He kissed you softly on the lips. “I didn’t know what to say.” Another kiss. “Didn’t mean to upset you, I love you.” He kissed you one more time.

“But-” You were confused, your mind was foggy from your sleep after getting up early to throw up.

“Let me tell you this… I got scared at first, but I want us to fight for this, baby included.”

Your eyes went wide open. “Cillian.”

“Listen to me, from the moment I saw you, I knew we would be together and we’ll do everything the way you want to, but I want to be involved, I want to be part of this baby’s life, part of yours, if you want to, we can raise him or her together, and it’ll be alright.”

Now you were the one unable to speak, he was giving you things you didn’t even ask for.

“Are you going to raise someone else’s baby?” You voice broke a little.

“No, I’m raising my baby with you, because I love you and I will love that little one as my own.” You could see that he had been crying too. “It seems like we aren’t taking things slow after all, but that’s just part of life, no matter what, but you’re not alone Y/N.”

“Did you tell Mar yet?” He started calling her that recently after listening to you. You shook your head. “Good, then you can either tell the truth or that the baby is mine, that’s your call.”

His thumbs wiped away the tears that had been falling on your cheeks.

“Are you sure of what you’re saying?” You asked.

“Yes.” He answered in a heartbeat. “And I’m also sure that I can’t let you go.”

***

A/N2: Finally I was able to put a little ghost to rest with this one shot 😅 if you remember a while ago I gave you 3 choices for “The Photoshoot” asking if Sean was Cillian’s son or not that option included a happy blended family, but you like the drama, so I decided to not leave that beautiful idea go to waste right? So I came up with this little baby. I hope the present time and flashback wasn’t confusing for you, nevertheless if you have any questions you know where to find me!

♥️Please remember your comments and feedback feeds my soul ♥️

Tag list: @lyarr24 @runnning-outof-time @datewithgianni @gretelshelby @cloudofdisney @onlydeadcells @lespendy @alex-in-the-wilderness @peaky-cillian @shelbydelrey @cutecurly-hair @the-forest-witchh @prettylittlehoneyeyesxoxo @alessioayla @peakypoet @esposadomd @winchestergirl22 @ange-thoughts @gypsy-girl-08 @heidimoreton @queenshelby @stevie75 @babaohhhriley @hyperfixationsonshuffle @yrli8 @shaddixlife @itsilvermorny @moral-terpitude @paprikabadger @already-broken144

Ps. I tagged all of you because you’re reading the Photoshoot and this is a little glimpse of what could have happened if we took a different route with Sean…