#i was trying to find information about some appointments i had a couple years back and stopped to read my eds evaluation

[bambiraptorx]

that trope where it's someone exploring the depths of an ancient or massive library and finding information that shocks them to their core except it's me reading my medical records and seeing a diagnosis i didnt know about

[copperbadge]

How did you find the doctor(s) who assessed you for ADHD? Im looking into the process of getting diagnosed because (although ive suspected I might have adhd for years now) I've been struggling a lot more lately and i want to try medication to see if it helps at all. Im trying to search for psychiatrists through my health insurance portal but the the results im getting are all for child/adolescent psychiatry specialists, and I dont think that'll be much help for an adult adhd assessment? Did you have an established therapist to refer you for your assessment or were you able to find a psychiatrist independently?

I actually just kind of had to freeform it, but that does mean I have some tips to share!

I will say, I have never once used a health insurance portal to find someone to treat me for anything. Often their search engine is fucked up and the information is sometimes out of date. I almost always either ask someone who I know has had similar issues if they have a recommendation, ask my treating physician if I have one, or just google until I find someone reputable-looking; any qualified medical center or professional will list what insurance they take anyway, and you can always ask when you make the appointment.

So here's the process for how to do that!

When I was first considering it, I asked a friend who'd had an evaluation that came back not-ADHD, which I liked because it meant we knew it wasn't like, a weird Adderall pill mill or something. I really wanted to have a professional and thorough evaluation because I knew myself and knew I was capable of gaming a questionnaire. The place she had her evaluation was unfortunately having some staffing issues; part of the reason it took me so long is that I played phone tag with them for ages -- I'd call, and regardless of what time of day I called, their scheduler would be "out", so I'd leave a message and never get a call back. Ultimately I said "I really need to talk to a human, because your scheduler has not returned any of my numerous calls" and they said they could transfer me to another office outside of Chicago (in the burbs). That was not going to be accessible to me, so I told them thanks but I'll go somewhere else. Then COVID hit and I was not going to go anywhere near a medical center unless I had to for about two years.

So, when I was making my second serious run at getting evaluated, I did what might be expected of me by longtime readers of this blog: I made a spreadsheet.

I want to caveat this up top with REALLY IMPORTANT CONTEXT: I did not do all of this in a single day. The process from starting research to making an evaluation appointment took about a month, and probably would have taken longer if I wasn't getting somewhat desperate. Do not push yourself to do this as a single act. Research alone is a multi-day process; some days I looked at the open tabs and only entered one tab's worth of information. It took me quite a bit of time to write the form email I sent inquiring about an assessment. It took me time to call the clinic back when they asked me to call to book the appointment. This is a series of steps, not a single leap.

So!

I was looking for a clinic rather than an individual, in part because I'd heard a couple of horror stories about people who went to a psychiatrist and just got argued with for an hour instead of actually getting evaluated. So I googled, and here are some key terms for you, chicago adult adhd assessment. Chicago obviously for the region, but "adult adhd" (putting it in quotes will help) is the important term that will help you filter out a lot of child psych stuff. A lot of what I looked at did included family or child assessment/therapy but were clear that they also evaluated adults.

Then I went through every legit-looking search result and noted down, in my spreadsheet, the name of the clinic/company, the contact phone and email, the URL, the physical location (I needed to be able to get to it fairly easily) and whether they took my insurance. Even if they didn't take my insurance (all but one did) I still put them into the spreadsheet so that if I found them again I could check the sheet and know I didn't need to investigate further. I also tended to bump more legitimate and friendly-looking places to the top of the sheet. And if I were going to do it again I would also look for one specific thing, which is an assessment guide of some kind.

The assessment guide may be something they only give you after you speak with them, so it's not a no-go if they don't have one on their website, but it basically tells you what generally will go on during the assessment, how long it will take, and what you should bring. A full assessment like I had is estimated to take 4-6 hours and they recommended I wear layers so I wouldn't be overly cold/warm in their office, and to bring a snack. That's the kind of information you want, duration of the assessment and what they recommend for you, to ensure that you're working with people who are thorough and care about your comfort.

So, I have this spreadsheet now of places to reach out to, which I know take my insurance and do adult assessment. In the spreadsheet I also had columns for what date I contacted them and whether they'd responded. I started reaching out via email, one per day, with the form email I'd written.

The form email basically said "I'm 42 with no previous diagnosis but I have a family history of autism and dyslexia. I've been told I should get assessed for ADHD, so I'm looking for a clinic that will do the assessment and takes (my insurance). I prefer to be contacted by email but if need be, my phone number is (phone number). Please let me know if you have any open appointments and what information you will need from me to book an evaluation with you." (You can always ask for more information about the actual evaluation process once they respond.)

If I didn't get a response within 24 hours, I moved on to the next, but I only greyed out the text in that line of the spreadsheet; I didn't disqualify/remove the nonresponsive ones because again, I wanted to make sure I kept that information in case they eventually did respond. I did this with about ten clinics, because I figured I must be able to find at least one in ten who could do the eval, and I could go back and research more if necessary.

I think the third or fourth one I reached out to was the first to respond, and I ended up going with them; I had a very positive experience in the assessment itself but it was a real pain in the ass getting the documentation from them -- they took about a month to go through the evaluation data (this is not abnormal but is rather longer than usual according to my psychiatrist) and they gave me an in-person-by-zoom report once it was ready. That said, it took another four months and the threat of reporting them to the state to get them to send me the text of the eval (in part because the evaluator left the clinic unexpectedly with my formal report not yet written). But that's something that's truly impossible to know until you're working with them, and highly unusual, so don't let concerns about that deter you. If you end up in that situation come hit me up and I'll tell you how I dealt with that.

My eval recommended an executive function coach, but if I haven't been able to func it by now I never will, so I thanked them for the recommendation and went looking for a psychiatrist unaffiliated with the clinic to prescribe me meds. There, the key words you're going to be looking for are again "adult adhd" but also "adult disability" and if you want medication that's less likely to be a huge fucking hassle, "medication management". My psychiatrist and I meet every two months to reup my prescription, but he doesn't require me to take a regular drug test or meet him in person in order to get a new scrip, as some people have encountered. We meet in person once or twice a year (I can't remember, it's due to a legal requirement in Illinois) but otherwise it's over zoom.

So yeah -- it's a process, but there are ways to streamline and manage it, and a few tripwires in place to make sure you don't end up screwed by the system. Definitely feel free to ask if you have questions, either here or if you want a more indepth conversation you can email me at copperbadge@gmail.com. GOOD LUCK!

[creambunnie]

Noona!!!!!

ZEROBASEONE - Park Gunwook X You

Fluff Angst

Enjoy~~~~~~~~

You took the book that you had been searching for and couldn't help but flip through the pages as you walked back to your table.

The library was quite empty so you didn't expect to accidentally bump into someone who was walking from your right with a stack of books.

The two of you stumbled from the force, and the guy's books were scattered.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't looking where I was going". The guy apologised as he picked up his books one by one. You were a bit guilty because you were also not looking.

You helped him pick up the last book and handed it to him. Instead of taking it, the guy blinked a few times and stared at you with an amazed face. You were in a rush so you gave an awkward smile and put the book on the top of his stack.

You then returned to your table. You were scanning the pages for the information that you need for your research when suddenly the chair opposite you was pulled.

You looked up and saw the guy earlier. He smiled cutely before comfortably placing down his things on your table and had a seat. You scratched your forehead.

"Uhh, do you need any help?"

The guy shook his head.

"I'm Gunwook, and you are... the most beautiful person I've ever met!"

Before you could reply, he cut you off.

"Oh! Are you also a Psychology student?" Gunwook guessed right looking at the books you were reading.

You only nodded. His smile brightened and he looked like a happy puppy. "Me too!!!! But I don't think we have any classes together?"

"What year are you in?" You finally got to ask.

"I'm actually in my first year! It's my first semester so I'm a bit lost on a lot of things so here I am, trying to figure things out by reading the books the professors recommended! How about you?"

You sighed. "I am..... way too old for you to be interested in."

Gunwook wasn't phased by your answer.

"Noona?"

You felt goosebumps all over your body when he called you that.

"I'm in my final year and I'm graduating soon."

Gunwook's eye sparkled. "You're so cool! It's not a problem because I am into older women!"

You closed your book as you couldn't concentrate anymore at this rate.

"But I'm not into younger guys".

Gunwook pouted and did some calculations in his mind.

"Aren't we only like 3 years apart??? That's not much of a difference, is it?"

"Look kid, we just met each other for the first time. There are other beautiful girls who might be interested in you."

"But I'm only interested in you, Noona! Even though it's our first encounter, I've never felt anything like this before! It's love at first sight!"

You scratched your cheek this time. You really didn't know what to do. He was cute you had to admit it. Gunwook was kind of your type too. But he was a bit too young for you.

"I am interested in mature guys. You know, guys who are more socially aware and empathetic."

Gunwook quickly sat up and changed his expression into a more serious one.

"Then I'll do my best to be just like that!"

You chuckled at his cuteness and determination. You checked the time and started packing your things.

"Sorry Gunwook, I have an appointment so I'm going first. Goodluck on reading up your materials."

Gunwook changed back to his cutesy expression and nodded like a little kid. You chuckled again and walked away.

The next couple of days which turned into weeks, Gunwook would always find a way to greet you on campus. Since you were in the same department, it was easier for him to see you.

At first you tried to avoid him, but after a while, it was pointless because Gunwook would whine and cling onto you more. You were getting used to his presence and sometimes even looked forward to meeting him during your stressful semester. He was still carefree as ever.

You sighed as you came out of your supervisor's office. You thought your final year project was going well but getting a strict supervisor made you extra stressful.

"Noona!!!!!!" You heard his voice from afar. Gunwook ran towards you with a bottle of strawberry milk.

"Here I got this for you!"

You smiled lightly as you felt a bit cheered up by having Gunwook here.

"Thanks.."

Gunwook frowned and leaned down to your eye level. Your heart skipped a beat.

"Noona.. Are you okay? You look sad."

You quickly turned your face away from him to hide your embarrassed face.

"Uhm, it's just about my final year project.. My supervisor is very particular about certain details and I just can't help but feel like all the things that I've done so far is useless."

Gunwook hummed as he thought of what to say.

"If you'd like, I could help you out!! Let's go to the library together!!"

You chuckled and shook your head. You patted his shoulder and started walking.

"It's fine, I want to take a break from the project and clear my head first."

Gunwook grabbed your wrist and pulled you to the other way.

"That's great!! I was just about to invite you to watch my soccer match!"

You were confused but let him drag you anyway.

"Hmm? What if I had agreed to go to the library with you earlier?"

Gunwook only smiled cutely and continued walking.

"You know I would always fix my schedule to match yours so no need to worry about deciding anything, okay?"

AHHHHHHHHHHHH you were seriously about to fall for his sweet talk.

Gunwook led you to the front row seats.

"I have to go change, don't forget to cheer for me later on okay!" He quickly went to the back with his teammates.

You were not much of a sports person but watching Gunwook play with a big smile on his cute face made it fun. He also looked good in his sports attire.

After a few tries, Gunwook finally goaled a score. He cheered with his teammates and combed his hair back with his hand. You gulped at the sight and quickly looked away when Gunwook made eye contact with you. Gunwook grinned at your reaction.

Gunwook's team took the win for the friendly match between students from the Psychology department.

He celebrated with his team before running towards you excitedly.

"Noona! My team won!!! So can I have your number?"

You were surprised at his sudden question but also embarrassed because his voice was loud and the people around you were waiting for your reply.

You shyly nodded and everyone waiting cheered for Gunwook.

"That's my number! Don't forget to save it okay?" Gunwook said as he gave you a call. You hummed and thought of what to save his contact as.

The two of you walked out of the campus together before separating at the front gate.

"Bye Noona! I'll text you later!! hehehe"

You shook your head in amusement as you watched his back became smaller as he ran further.

You finally lied down on your bed after finishing your house chores and taking a shower. You rolled around for a bit before checking your phone. You chuckled at the notification.

From: Cheeky Kid ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

Noona!!!!!!! Are you free this Friday?

To: Cheeky Kid ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

I need to meet my supervisor in the afternoon, so I should be free after that. Why?

You didn't even need to wait for a minute before he replied.

From: Cheeky Kid ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

Good!!! I was thinking of taking you on a date!

You couldn't help but giggle. Gunwook was always so smooth, he won't let you catch your breath.

To: Cheeky Kid ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

Hmmmm, sure I guess. Just text me the details later.

From: Cheeky Kid ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

Let's meet up at the busstop outside the campus at 3pm?

To: Cheeky Kid ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

Alright, see you.

It was finally Friday. You were a bit nervous. Not because you had to meet your supervisor, but because Gunwook specifically said it was a date.

You wore a cute floral dress and styled your hair neatly. You even picked another bag that would match your outfit but still fit your laptop.

You tried to discuss quickly about your project so you could prepare yourself mentally before meeting Gunwook. It was weird, you meet him almost everyday but today was extra nerve-wrecking.

You reached the busstop five minutes earlier. However you waited and waited. It's been 30 minutes and Gunwook had not arrived yet.

You thought maybe he had some urgent matters to attend to so he was a bit late. But 45 minutes in, you were worried. You quickly texted him.

To: Cheeky Kid ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

Hey Gunwook, is everything okay?

You waited for his reply but the message was not even delivered. After an hour of waiting, you decided to just walk back home. Maybe he really had some emergency and did not have time to text you about it.

To: Cheeky Kid ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

If you're suddenly busy, it's fine. I'll just go back first.

You chuckled bitterly to yourself. Do you like Gunwook that much that you're only thinking good things about him?

You passed by a popular internet cafe and had the feeling that you should look up. You stopped walking when you saw his familiar face, gaming with his friends.

You frowned in confusion. You took a deep breath and just continued walking, your mind were racing with so many thoughts.

"Yo Gunwook, isn't that the senior that you've been chasing?" Gunwook's eye widened as he stood up.

"Shit! What time is it now?" He took out his phone and just remembered that he switched it off earlier because his friend was call spamming him.

"Uhh 4.30pm. Why?"

Gunwook slapped his forehead and quickly took his bag.

"I need to go!!!"

His friend was confused but shrugged.

Gunwook cursed under his breath as he ran searching for you. He had walked you home once because you finished late so he knew your address.

He felt like crying when he finally saw your texts. Gunwook was guilty, he ran quite a distance but still didn't see you. As he was running, it suddenly started drizzling. He still didn't stop looking for you. He wanted to see you.

"Noona!!" He called out as if searching for a missing child.

He ran pass a busstop but quickly turned back when he realised that you were seeking shelter there.

"Noona..." Gunwook softly called as he saw your sad expression.

You looked up and took in his appearance.

Gunwook was in a simple black shirt and black jacket as if he just finished working out. He was panting from running and he was trying to wipe his wet face with his hand. He looked handsome.

"Why.. why do you always do that?" You blurted out.

You saw panic in Gunwook's eyes. He thought you were mad at him.

"D-do w-what?"

You didn't answer and just took out your clean handkerchief. You walked closer to Gunwook and helped him wipe his face. Since he was way taller, he had to bend down a bit and met you at eye level. You tried to ignore his stare as you felt your face warmed up.

"Noona.."

"Hmm?"

"I'm sorry.. I know this all might sound like an excuse but I lost track of time. My friend kept calling me asking to help him level up in his game so I switched off my phone because he was annoying. But I still went to the internet cafe and helped him, and I forgot to switch my phone back on.. I actually set an alarm for our date..."

Gunwook stopped babbling when he finally realised that you were looking straight at him with an expression that he had never seen on you before. He didn't know what it was. You didn't seem happy nor sad. You also didn't look angry. You just looked calm.

"No, Noona. I made a mistake. I must've hurt you. I am sorry for making you wait alone. I promise it will never happen again. No wait, actually I can't promise because I'm scared I would be stupid enough to repeat this same thing and I--"

Your chuckle cut him off. Gunwook was still bending down to your eye level and the urge to just kiss your lips was strong. He however refrained himself.

"Noona. Can I be your boyfriend?"

You were not surprised at his question but surprised at his sudden timing to ask.

"You always do this. You always catch me off guard."

Gunwook smiled at your answer. "So is that a yes?"

You rolled your eyes playfully and pinched his cheek softly.

"I mean, how could I ever say no to this face?"

"So you only like me because of my face?!"

You shrugged and patted his cheek.

"And if I say yes?"

Gunwook pouted and clung onto your arm.

"Nooonaaaa! I'll take it, and then try to be more mature, just like you like!"

You chuckled at his words and shook your head.

"I'm just joking. I like you just the way you are Gunwook."

Gunwook cheered cutely before leaning down to peck your lips.

You touched your lips and broke into a smile.

"Do you like me that much, Gunwook?"

Gunwook nodded with a stupid smile and pulled you into a hug.

"Noonaaaaaa!!! Good morning!!" Gunwook greeted you in front of your house. Since that day, he would walk to campus with you when your classes timing matched. If he was clingy before, he became extra clingy if that was even possible. You were glad you gave Gunwook a chance.

.

.

.

One minute of silence for this author who is attracted to Gunwook 🥲✋🏽 Hope you guys enjoyed the fluffffff!!!!

[songmingisthighs]

Wanbelyn

introduction pt. i | pt. ii | pt. iii

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ch. xxii - that's so gay

neurosurgeon!hongjoong × reader

buy me coffee ?

where love and peace is held, i never expected for this to happen. i planned and i planned, i expected, and i hoped, but it was never you. you held what i wanted hostage to make room for you, the thing that i needed but has no means of acceptance. deny me, live your best life.

From the moment you and Kijoong stepped into the gym, Kijoong immediately tried to run away from you to try one of the gym equipments. You had to wrangle the boy into your arms as you gave the front desk your information and told him that you had an appointment with the owner's son. It didn't help that the front desk dudebro was staring at you like a piece of meat.

A gym rat milf enthusiast. Original.

"Hi!"

You turned your head to the source of the voice and was met with a guy in black t-shirt and sweatpants that looked like he just stepped off a calvin klein photoshoot. Honestly, it made you blush a little but you did your best to not appear flustered, standing up with Kijoong in your arms with a smile on your face. "Hi, you must be Stan!" You said, making San crack a grin and chuckle slightly, "Actually, it's San," bending down slightly, he locked eyes with Kijoong who was looking at him curiously, "And you must be Kijoong! Uncle Wooyoung told me a lot about you!" Hearing the familiar name, Kijoong straightened up, "You know Woo?" He asked in squeak, "Of course I do! He told me your nanny here wanted you to try some classes, huh? Why don't we go check them out, does that sound good?"

Kijoong looked between San and you, unsure how to answer. But you shrugged, "It's up to you bud," you encouraged. "Well maybe you don't know what classes we have. Currently for kids, we have classes in gymnastics, tumbling, and a couple of martial arts classes," San explained, trying to offer options to aid the boy in his dilemma. You cringed at the first two ideas though, "Yeah, he's already hyper as it is, we don't wanna turn running around in the house into catapulting his body onto the wall with precision." San couldn't help but laugh at your joke, finding it amusing that you were effortlessly funny. "Of course," he said after his laughter died down but letting the smile on his face remain, "Well let's have Kijoong try some classes, hm? Our kiddy Karate class is going on right now and let's see how he likes it."

While Kijoong joined the Karate class, you and San sat at the back, watching the class progressed but mostly having a nice chat.

"I have something to admit," San's voice broke your concentration from seeing Kijoong looking at you like he wanted you to hold him, "I actually recognize you. Wooyoung talks a lot about you," San said sheepishly. Your eyes widened but almost immediately it furrowed, "Wait, how much is 'a lot'? It can't be that much, right?" San took a moment to think of an answer that allows you an insight as to how often Wooyoung talks about you. "Well, I know you both met because he got into an argument with your cousin, Jongho when Jongho moved into his dorm complex in college his second year and you had dragged them out of their stupid, petty feud literally to the lobby and force them to apologize to each other in public," San answered after contemplating. You couldn't help but feel a little impressed at his knowledge but also confused as to why Wooyoung would share about you and your cousin. "Okay that means he talks about me quite a lot," you chuckled.

Conversation with San flowed rather smoothly and you found yourself talking about choice of career path and even telling him about how you ended up being Kijoong's nanny all the while making sure the boy was still listening to the instructor up front. The conversation started with your college days and his and he talked about how he ended up managing the gym with his dad which he was against of initially because he didn't want his love for exercising and taekwondo to be diminished to numbers and maintaining a brand. You were rather impressed with how he pitched the kiddy classes to his dad and had to convince him for 3 months straight before he said yes and not a year later they expanded and moved to the current building. He has tenacity, potential, personality, and passion. You kind of saw why Wooyoung befriends him and even became roomates.

It was about fifteen minutes into the class when Kijoong came trodding with a deep pout, climbing on your lap and burrying his face on your shoulder. "I'on like this class," he whined, arms tightening and face nuzzling deep. You scoffed and tried pulling the boy back but he was clinging onto you for dear life, "Kijoong, buddy, you're not even giving this class a chance, you've been looking back at me this whole time! You can't say you don't like something when you haven't put in the effort which includes concentration like the other boys here," you sighed. Hearing your words, Kijoong pulled back and batted his eyelash at you, trying to melt your resolve but unfortunately you were not about to fall victim to his manipulation. The same can't be said about San who was wracking his brain trying to think of ways to engage the child. "You gotta try, buddy," you pointed out unwaveringly which furrowed Kijoong's eyebrows as he side-eyed San who was trying his best to not grab the boy and give him some candy. "He's a boy, why does he get to stay here and talk to you?" He scowled.

You were about to scold Kijoong when San answered without missing a beat, "Because I don't do Karate, I'm a Taekwondo athlete. Well, former." That piqued Kijoong's interest as seen from his twinkling eyes, "My uncle Bumjoong knows Taekwondo!" He exclaimed, loosening his grip on you to turn towards San, "How do you do Taekwondo?" He asked, head tilting to the side in intrigue. "Why don't I show you? My kiddy Taekwondo class is over but we can check out the classroom and try things out," he smiled at Kijoong who immediately tried to make a dash through the door but you knew better and wrap your arms around his torso. "Are you sure you can give him a private trial like that?" You weren't really worried about access as much as being a bother because he's the owner's son and he was going out of his way to show things himself. Kijoong, on the other hand, didn't care as he dangled in your arms while still trying to make his escape to check out the Taekwondo class.

San waved his hand and stood up, "Nah, I need to make sure we have enough tiles for next week's mid class practice which is for kids ages 12-16. May I?" San opened his hands in front of Kijoong, hinting that he wanted to take the boy out of your grip. You would be hesitant or even reluctant had it not been for the fact that Kijoong was trying to claw his way into San's arms and when you let go of the boy, instead of having San carry him, Kijoong grabbed San's hands and tried pulling him towards the door. TRIED being the operative word since San didn't even move an inch, only staring at the boy with amusement in his eyes.

Just as you thought they would walk out first, San (unbothered with Kijoong's attempt to drag him away) turned around and offered you a hand to help you get up which made you blush because it wasn't like you had any issue. His gentlemanly manners shone as he opened the door for you even when Kijoong was whining for him to hurry up (which earned him a light scolding for being rude) and had moved to dangling off of San's strong arm. You all but stare at how San wasn't affected at all by Kijoong's constant attempt to move him. Once again, you found yourself amused and impressed by San and you couldn't help but pat yourself on the back, feeling sure that this was going to be a good thing for him. And maybe for you.

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[the-forests-blessing]

Chapter 11

“Lukas! Hey!” 

     Outside the front door of BeacInn, our optimistic author stands. Last night's random downpour has ceased since the early morning hours and now leaves the stone street shining and a mist of steam rising from the evaporating water. The building’s drip with rain droplets that glisten under the rising sun. An orange sorbet of fluffy clouds decorate the sky, encouraging Lukas into an uplifting mood to start the day.

     In his freshly washed and dried adventure gear, Lukas turns to the sound of a squeaky voice he can only identify as the jovial ex-intern of BeaconTown, Radar. He appeared from across the street, waving down Lukas who had to adjust the ocelot in his arms so he could wave back. In the morning, Beacon seems more lively than usual with a couple of unfamiliar faces walking the streets. Distant conversations can be heard as Radar's hurried steps make it across the street to greet Lukas as he steps down the short flight of stairs.

     “Good morning, Radar. What brings you over here?” Lukas asks, giving the ocelot in his arms another quick adjustment so Dewey too could look over at the approaching man. 

     “Morning! Woooah cool outfit.” Radar gawks in amazement, to which Lukas utters a quiet ‘thanks’ for the compliment. “And hellooooo to you too Mr. Dewey,” Radar smiles fondly at the ocelot, approaching with an outreached hand. He smothers the jungle cat's head with some rather aggressive pets, squishing his ears and causing him to scrunch his face up. When he relents, Dewey shakes his head and twitches his tail irritably at the undesired and all too enthusiastic attention. “I caught you just in time! I was just about to head over to our local bakery for some morning grub. Wanna join me?” 

     “Bakery?” Lukas repeats, definitely interested. He glances up and down the street, wondering where Radar could possibly be talking about. From what he's learned, BeaconTown has five major streets all connecting to the beacon monument in the middle. The one he's been sticking to is on the far left of town as you enter. He's spent a generous amount of time scrounging around for food related establishments, but the best he's found so far is that small cafe on main street, and a few vendor stalls here and there. “You guys have a bakery here? Consider me shocked.”

     “Ohh yeah. Here, walk with me.” Radar nods his head, convincing Lukas and Dewey to follow his lead. “You’re right to be shocked. BeaconTown lost a lot of its best restaurants after uh.. Petra became mayor and everyone kinda started leaving.” The ex-intern scratches at the back of his head awkwardly, dropping his gaze down to the stone brick street. Lukas looks down too, searching the waterlogged cracks that occasionally pool into little puddles of water he occasionally finds himself stepping in. “But we were able to help some establishments survive. Nell went to work at the bakery after the great collapse, and with her help, it’s been able to thrive for years!”

     “Great.. Collapse? What, is that supposed to be some kind of humorous term in regards to Petra becoming mayor?” Lukas chuckles at the thought. “Seriously, I don’t see why the town elected her.”

     Radar laughs a bit awkwardly, shoving his hands into his green hoodie pockets. “Ah.. No, the great collapse is, well.. Basically when BeaconTown officially fell. Oh and we didn’t elect her. She kind of just appointed herself and didn’t take no for an answer.”

     Lukas’ brows raise at that. “Why..?”

     Radar shrugs. “Don’t know! Or.. Well, I have a few theories, buuut I’m trying to have a good day, so I really don’t want to think about it.”

     Lukas nods, turning his head away. More information to keep him curious... “Huh, so I assume the bakery is another spot I can find you two hanging out at?” Lukas changes the topic to avoid an uncomfortable silence. He asks with that one day in mind where he went to Radar’s and Nell’s shared residence and found no one home at the time.

     “Yeah! Or I may be at the library. It’s my favorite place to go when I’m feeling all scatter-brained.” Radar does this silly gesture at his head, then looks back at Lukas, smile ever prominent on this boy’s features. Lukas takes it he must be the kind of person to fake a smile, always quick to recover from some of the dark topics he occasionally treads down. “What about you? You got a favorite place to be?” 

     “Is that a trick question?” Lukas asks, humored by the ask and it's obvious answer. “I prefer to be one with nature. Out in the field is where I’m one with the elements. It does a lot of good for you mentally, you know? Surrounding yourself with the nature our world generously provides us.”

     “Hmm.. Is that why you're so strangely charismatic? I'm still amazed you and Dewey haven't ran out of town with your tails between your legs yet. Nobody ever stays here this long..” 

     Lukas smiles at that, grateful for the compliment. “Well, I guess it's hard to feel discouraged when I'm making the progress I need towards my goal. I've spent too many years working on this encyclopedia and I'm not gonna let any obstacles get in the way of that. It's my.. Uh.. You know. It's all I kinda got..”

     Radar ponders on that for a few seconds before he nods his agreement. “Yeah, I totally get you. Your optimism towards your own future kind of inspires me to get more invested in mine. I just wish I was as brave as I used to be, then maybe I too would– you know…” Lukas raises a questioning brow. “Enter the forest. Take in all those healing elements of nature you mentioned. From the way you talk about it, it sounds like you’re getting a real taste of heaven…” Radar leans in a little close, covering his mouth to whisper, “Well– whatever heaven has demons residing in it.”

     Lukas scoffs out a laugh. “Demons? Don’t be ridiculous– the forest doesn’t have demons.”

     Radar gives the author a doubtful look. “Then you’re just lucky you haven’t come across him yet!” He gives Lukas an elbow nudge, then nods his head towards an upcoming purple building. “Come on, over here!” 

     Demons? He can’t possibly be talking about the Admin. He’s not evil. The real evil is what burnt down the forest… Lukas thinks begrudgingly, and with a hint of annoyance towards Radar’s ignorance.   

     Our author stops outside the establishment while Radar scurries in. He watches the ex-intern go, then turns his head up and looks over the front entryway. The building has definitely seen better days. The purple concrete walls have cracked and been chipped away at by the elements over time. The windows are all surprisingly intact, but many of them have been covered by dense vine and ivy overgrowth. The sign outside the building too has withered away, making the text mostly unintelligible. Lukas frowns at the state of natural decay. In another world, he could imagine a building as cozy looking as this thriving off the love of baked goods and happy smiles. It's sad to see.. but he steps forth with Dewey anyways.

     Entering the building, a little bell rings as the door opens. To Lukas’ surprise, there’s actually quite a few people here and they all look… mostly happy. Conversing with one another at their tables and booths, something he hasn’t seen since the last town he’d stayed in. Upon stepping in, he can already smell the heavenly scent of baked goods. He draws in a deep breath, then exhales, feeling his own mouth watering at the confectionery sweet scents. Like the exterior, the overgrowth has squeezed its way through parts of the deteriorating purple concrete walls, making the building quite lush in appearance. It's quite pretty, despite the history. 

     Lukas steps across quartz flooring, approaching the counter with Dewey in his arms. Next to him stands Radar, the scholar looking over to the blond who now investigates the menu thoroughly. “Oooh what’s your favorite? I like the apple fritters. Those are my faaavorite. Oh! Oh! And the frosted honey-butter biscuits!” The dark haired male practically vibrates with excitement where he stands. While Lukas stays focused on the menu, Dewey lay in his arms, staring at Radar like he’s a crazy person. 

     Hmm… Honey-butter biscuits do sound really good, Lukas decides on that for himself while he still hones in on the menu. And what for the Allay… Has to be something small. What if it can’t eat certain things like chocolate being toxic for dogs? Maybe I’ll just share mine with it. 

     Lukas’ gaze searches the purple cursive text and dolled up pictures on the menu, finding trouble deciding what the Admin might possibly like. He has absolutely no knowledge of what his likes and dislikes are. As far as Lukas is aware, the man is a god . He could deem anything Lukas offers unworthy for all he knows. So maybe…

     “I think I’ll get the honey-butter biscuits and some chocolate chip cookies. Hard to go wrong with those right?” Lukas shrugs, finally looking back at Radar who stood in eager anticipation to hear the blond's decision. 

     “Yes… Yes! The perfect combo. The cookies here are the most popular on the menu. They’re so soft with melt in your mouth goodness!” He sighs wistfully, his smile softening. “They used to be Jesse’s favorite.” 

     “Well if the New Order leader liked them, I’m sure they’re delicious.” Hopefully Admin isn’t a picky eater…

     “Oh he liked them alright.”

     Lukas stills in his spot. That voice…

     The two men turn slowly and look up to find the cape wearing huntress gazing down at them. Lukas can hear the man next to him suck in a sharp breath, noticing the way he tenses at the sudden, most definitely unexpected appearance of mayor Petra here at the bakery this morning. The woman stands tall with her hands on her hips, her scarred lip curled in what looks to be a smug expression. To Lukas, it looks like she finds satisfaction in having surprised the two.

     “Oh, what a surprise. The local nerds have found each other.” She says in a teasing tone, then has the audacity to chuckle at her own words. 

     “P-Petra– Sir!” Radar salutes, causing the redhead to roll her eyes. 

     “There’s really no need for that here, Radar.” She assures. 

     Lukas’ forced calm demeanor wavers as the woman passes, his eyes narrowing in on her as her heavy steps come between them, cutting her way to the head of the line at the front of the counter. He glances at Radar who seems totally shaken, then an idea sparks in his mind. Lukas bumps his arm with his elbow, gaining the scholar's attention. In a hushed whisper, “Hey, no pressure here but uh, now would be a pretty good time to ask about that build.” He nods toward Petra at the counter.

     Radar quickly shakes his head, then turns his attention down to the floor as the huntress makes her approach once more, carrying a sweet smelling paper bag with her. “Sup Lukas.” She officially acknowledges him. “How’s the whole forest study going?” 

     Lukas squints at her, taking in the question with some skepticism. While she did give him the ‘okay’ to venture into the ancient woodland, he by no means trusts her after yesterday’s discovery. So, Lukas turns to performance mode, one of his own hidden natural skills. “Well I’m glad you asked!” He spent many hours preparing for this. The author reaches into his satchel, making the warrior raise a ginger brow as she watches the man shuffle through his belongings, pulling out a journal. “Check this out. I’ve come across so many extraordinary specimens!” 

     He offers the journal to her, Petra taking it with a look of suspicion, then flips through the confines of its pages. “Wow uh…” She lands on a page in the middle, finding nothing but snail drawings and snail notes. “Snails. Cool.” Flipping through more pages, her face only becomes weighed down with boredom, finding nothing but nature illustrations and words… too many words. She shakes her head and snaps the journal shut, offering it back to the most satisfied looking Lukas. 

     “Do you like it?” He asks with a smile shining as bright as the sun itself. 

     “Yeah.. Really cool stuff, Lukas.” She says in a unamused tone as she turns away, leaving the blond beaming with satisfaction.

     “Can I see your snails?” Radar asks. “Or should I say snotes?” Lukas gives him a questioning look. “Snail notes. Heheh..” Okay, that one did get a light chuckle out of him. 

     “Sure Radar. Here,” he offers Radar the journal. “I’m gonna go take my order.”

     Lukas leaves the bakery a little bit after getting his order. He had a brief chat with Radar, as well as Nell. The blonde had hidden in the back waiting for Petra to leave before making her debut in her work attire. Nell was totally impressed with Lukas’ tan colored garb, while Lukas himself didn't make much of a comment on her purple apron. Come to find out, the two are planning to start their build without the mayor’s permission, which explained Radar’s urgent head shake when questioned about it. 

     Sounds like the start of a little rebellion. Lukas is uncertain that is the step in the right direction, but at this point, what else can they truly do? Radar briefly mentioned his interest in ‘beautifying’ the street they both live on. It's a small start, but at least it's something.

     Looking down, he has with him a little woven basket that Nell offered him in the hopes that he’ll become a regular and return with it. Hard to say no when the scent of fresh baked goods coming from beneath the checkered cloth is making his mouth water. Before he left, he'd bitten into one of the frosted honey-butter biscuits, and wow. The frosting is delicious, albeit a little sticky.. But the biscuit itself practically melted in his mouth. Perfect texture.. perfect tastes.. He had to close his eyes in a momentary state of bliss, savoring the flavors dancing on his tongue and making his taste buds sing. 

     Walking away from the bakery and heading back towards the BeacInn, Lukas is stopped by that same familiar voice from before calling out to him. He turns, watching the mayor approach him with a cookie in hand. “Yo, Lukas.” She says, swallowing her last bite and then patting the crumbs off her hands. “You heading to the forest today?” 

     “Uh.. I was planning on it. I found quite a rich patch of parrot mushrooms that needs to be studied closely. A specimen like that is too rare to pass on, and with such abundance..” Lukas says oh so whimsically, then ponders a second more and adds on, “care to join?”

     “No..” Petra quickly declines. “You.. do your weird.. Etology-”

     “Ecology.”

     “Whatever.” She crosses her arms, then glances down at the basket of goods Lukas carries. She raises a scarred brow, gazing at the full basket. “That’s an awful lot of sweets for one person.”

     “Huh? Oh.. Yeah, I’m uh.. Kinda a midnight snacker. You know, I can't help but get those sweet late night cravings.” He shrugs sheepishly. “Bringing most of them back to where I’m staying. Don’t want to attract any bears out in the woods with the smell of something this tasty.” 

     Petra stares at him with an expression Lukas can’t quite decipher. Confusion? Suspicion? After a few tense seconds of silence, the woman’s gaze softens, adjusting to straighten and hold her hands behind her back. Creators, in a world where Lukas is usually the taller one, BeaconTown sure has a lot of towering citizens to make him feel small. He’s not used to this feeling yet. 

     She flicks her gaze, eyeing him up and down before asking, “Where are you from, Lukas?” 

     “Where am I from?” He repeats the question, then puts Dewey down onto the ground beside him. The ocelot gives himself a good stretch beside his legs while the author answers. “I’m from The Citadel. Heard of it?” 

     Petra quirks a brow and Lukas takes that as a probable no . 

     “The Citadel is a massive city. In the center of it all is a huge building called the Spawn Center. There’s a crazy human spawn rate there, so they built a city around it. It’s right in the middle of multiple biomes for newspawns to explore. I spawned at the Spawn Center and they guided me to the city where I was able to learn about the world and decide what kind of career I wanted to make with my life. It’s pretty amazing. A real pillar of human society where people who aren’t sure what to do with their life can find themselves.” When Petra doesn’t immediately respond, Lukas presses his own question. “What about you?”

     “Me? Uh.. I don’t know, probably spawned out in the woods somewhere. Been too long to remember.” Petra shrugs, then takes a few steps away from the author as she begins to pass by. “That all sounds great, Lukas. Try not to waste all that life experience by going out too far into the forest and getting yourself killed, alright?”

     And with that, she leaves. Lukas drops his friendly demeanor the moment she departs. If looks could kill, Petra would have exploded seven times already. “She’s suspicious of us.” He says, then looks down at Dewey. Dewey looks up to meet his gaze, the ocelots emerald eyes wide and frightened. “Don’t worry, I planned ahead for any future interrogations.” Lukas ruffles his ocelot behind his ears. “Come on, let’s head back to the forest.” 

     The Admin’s forest is surprisingly.. Lively today. 

     Lukas caught the twitter of some small finches up in the dark trees, even caught sight of them as they flew around the tall trunks of the evergreens in a playful pursuit. This is the first time he’s seen any wildlife in this part of the forest.. Well except for Allay and Admin of course. He stopped to make note of this while Dewey kept his nose held high, gazing up into the branches of the trees in hopes to see the finches again.

     Adjusting his satchel over his shoulder and grabbing his basket, Lukas stands with his gaze searching the trees and fog.. Checking to see if Admin is early to make his appearance known. “Hmm.. Nothing yet..” Lukas says, then glances down at Dewey. “It’s still hard to tell if Allay or Admin are able to sense when we arrive. Well, Admin does for sure, but I’m not so certain about the Allay. …Maybe I should call out to them both?” Dewey shakes his head at that and Lukas just rolls his eyes. “Oh why do I even bother asking you? You totally puffed up three times your size at the Admin yesterday, and he gave you salmon anyways! You should be thankful.” 

     Dewey growls at the comment, making Lukas put his hands on his hips in a stern manner. “What? You gonna throw a hissy fit again when he shows up? What did we talk about on the way here?” 

     Dewey’s sassy demeanor drops suddenly, the ocelot’s eyes widened and his fur begins to puff as he slowly starts backing away. A dark, massive shadow approaches the unsuspecting author from behind. 

     “He welcomed us here, so the most you can do to show your gratitude is behave yourself and respect.. The.. Admin..?” Lukas’ words come to a gradual stop, distracted by the way his body suddenly tenses up, raising his hand to gently touch over the back of his neck, feeling the prickling chill of goosebumps rise over his skin. Then.. the sound of earth being crushed beneath heavy steps sounds behind him. Without a second thought, Lukas turns to find just the guy he was hoping for standing over him, staring directly down into his own eyes with his own shadowed over, piercing turquoise glow.

     “Oh there you are!” No ounce of fear in this man's words. “You’re awfully quick this time. Beat me before I had to call your name.” Lukas’ gaze shifts from the Admin’s own, noticing a bright blue light emitting atop the deity’s mossy cape. It seems he won’t be having to call out to the Allay either. The little creature perks up from the moss, its eyes blinking as it lazily looks around as if it has just woken up, more than likely from the sound of Lumas’ voice. 

     When it finally notices Lukas, the Allay does a happy chirp and floats up from the Admin’s shoulder. Unmoving, the Admin’s gaze follows the spirit, watching as Lukas holds his hand out to invite the innocent creature to settle on his palm. Its blue glow is something Lukas is finding more as a source of comfort with each second he spends with it.

     “Good morning, Allay, I brought something special for you today.” Lukas kneels down, settling on his knees in a bed of moss and dirt. “Here,” he reaches into the basket, scooting the cloth away so he can grab a biscuit, tearing off a piece of the glazed frosted sweet, then offers it to the spirit. “It’s a frosted honey-butter biscuit.” The Allay takes it into its little blue paws, giving it a few sniffs before it does a jolly little spin and takes its ‘bite’. Lukas smiles, finding unending affection towards this little creature and its ever positive nature. 

     Our author then stands, picking the basket up along with him as he now turns to face him.. The Admin. The deity’s grump expression strengthens as Lukas gets closer, the Admin curling his lip, seconds away from telling Lukas to back off with a warning growl before he’s.. 

     “Here.” Lukas holds out a cookie. “This is for you, Big Guy.”

     The Admin.. hesitates.. Staring at the cookie before he turns his scarred nose away, side eyeing the small dessert. With passing seconds, Lukas holds in a sigh as his hope dwindles, even shaking the offered cookie to tempt the deity out of his skepticism. “Please take it. I wanted to make up for all the trouble I’ve been causing.. And to thank you for letting me keep coming back here despite it all.” Lukas’ cheeks warm slightly, smiling sheepishly as he watches the Admin’s dark, mangled brows knit, his glowing eyes fixated on him, then snapping down to the cookie. 

     Slowly extending his hand to Lukas, the large man sniffs the air lightly as the chocolate chip cookie is placed upon his gloved palm. With such closeness, Lukas notices how worn the gloves on him are. Tattered and torn in certain spots, he can just barely see the hint of blue skin peaking out through the holes. The leather has even lost color from years of use on his palm and the underside of his fingers. 

     His human heart pounds heavy in his chest as he hands the cookie over. He can’t help but obsess a little over how small the treat looks in the massive palm of the Admin as compared to Lukas’ normal human-sized hands. The author releases a small, yet kind-hearted laugh, smiling at the way the deity holds the cookie close and examines it the way Lukas examines the plant life in this very forest.      Completely still for a few seconds, he watches the Admin take in a deeper breath and exhale slowly as his hand lowers to his leather-guarded chest. His glare had faded into a blank, yet somehow shining stare. He glances back to Lukas, illuminated with an unreadable expression.      Lukas smiles back in silence, only now catching on to the sound of Dewey’s growling, the blond turns to search for his unruly ocelot before finding him puffed up and low to the ground a couple feet away. “Oh for Creator's sake, Dewey, would you give it a rest? Look, he’s not–” Lukas turns back to the deity, come to find he’s… vanished. Lukas blinks, then looks around hurriedly. “Wha-? A-Admin?” 

     The Allay approaches the bewildered author, catching his attention with a playful little laugh. Lukas looks down, watching the spirit’s ever present glow as it ascends slowly, then does a happy spin. Lukas chuckles softly. “Did you like that honey-biscuit, Allay?” He asks, to which the spirit closes its eyes and nods eagerly, something Lukas has learned is an expression of joy. Perhaps the Allay’s own version of a smile. 

     Lukas looks around once more, feeling pretty disappointed with the Admin’s unforeseen disappearance. He sighs, running his hand up his neck and up through his short, scruffy blond hair. Well.. after yesterday, he can’t expect Admin to want to be around him. So.. He’s sticking to the plan he came here with, and that’s to purposefully keep distance between himself and the evasive deity. He doesn’t want to force the man into any more uncomfortable situations, and he certainly doesn’t want to anger him anymore either.

     The Admin has done more than enough. He welcomed Lukas into the forest, even after his own selfish and rude behavior.. He showed him the lengths at which the hunters have caused harm to his home.. So with that, Lukas finds himself with a plethora of information waiting for him amongst the trees, and with more than two and a half months left here, he’s got the time to do it too. 

     “Well.. looks like it's just the three of us again huh?” Lukas shrugs, trying to stay optimistic despite his disappointment. Allay floats over to where the author stands, sizing him up before it decides to settle down upon his shoulder. The light of the Allay illuminates Lukas’ own pale features, the little creature doing some pointing gestures down at the bakery basket. “Want some more?” Allay nods enthusiastically. Lukas huffs out a soft laugh and scrounges around the basket, plucking off a bite suitable for his friend. “Of course you can have more. Ready, Dewey?” 

     The jungle cat has calmed since the Admin’s disappearance. He was in the midst of grooming his puffed up pelt when Lukas called for him, making the ocelot turn his head up, tongue poking out mid-lick. He corrects himself and gives the rest of his body a good shake before trotting up to his companion… Only to find…

     Dewey’s eyes narrow, glaring at the Allay perched up on Lukas’ shoulder again. His tail thrashes with annoyance at this little pest. If it's not prey, why is it prey-sized? He’ll never understand his human’s logic. The ocelot gives his paw a quick lick, staring up at the Allay and meeting its pearly white eyes. They indulge in a bit of a staring contest as Lukas begins walking, with Dewey walking behind, keeping his gaze narrowed on the Allay that keeps looking back at him. 

     Lukas spends hours in the ancient forest. The morning sun has risen, meeting the afternoon mark high in the sky. By now Lukas has made it further into the Admin’s forest than ever before. He’s stopped an ample amount of times, his attention being snatched by strange mushrooms that begin to appear at the base of trees the further he gets. Kneeling down, he closely examines the fungus, unable to identify them despite his knowledge regarding the subject. 

     “They look like honey mushrooms… Yet they’re gray..” Lukas snatches a book from his inventory, flipping through its pages until he lands on the desired passage. He holds the book up next to the mushrooms, comparing the image in the book to the fungus on the ground. They look vaguely similar, except the coloration is entirely off. Lukas closes his book and presses his face into the moist dirt, attempting to get a look at the base of the caps without plucking them from their roots. “Woah..” His eyes light up at the dim blue glow the mushrooms produce underneath their caps. He sits up quickly and takes time with his note taking.

     Whilst Lukas goes about his study, Dewey finds himself a nice patch of moss at the base of a different tree nearby to settle in. He curls in on himself, resting his tail over his nose and stares at the Allay who still resides on his owner's shoulder. 

     As time goes on, Lukas still sees no signs of the forest deity anywhere. The evergreens sway back and forth due to heavy wind gusts winding through the pine canopies, occasionally dropping pine needles or cones, something of which catches the ecologist’s curiosity. 

     At one point he stopped to examine one of the cones, taking out one from the first forest layer to compare the two. Amazingly, they’re extraordinarily different. Allay watches closely from Lukas’ shoulder, looking at how the human compares them both. The natural one he holds in his left; it’s a plain, ordinary pinecone. While the other he holds in his right is dark, almost black in color, yet the tips of its scales emit this enchanting glow Lukas has never seen before. 

     “I wonder if I were to plant this outside of the forest, it would grow an evergreen like Admin’s.. Or would it lose its magic and revert back to normal?” Lukas ponders it, twisting the cone around between his fingers. “Well, Admin, if you’re watching this, I’m uh..” He holds it up a bit whilst looking around his empty surroundings, “taking this!” Lukas says rather loudly, in hopes to garner some attention. He then lowers it again, his gaze scanning around and still… nothing. 

     Well… He can’t say he was looking forward to him showing up and plucking his interests from his fingers, but.. He kind of wishes he was here regardless. It doesn’t feel right to be investigating someone's home without their supervision, even if said home is hundreds of chunks of dense woodland. Speaking of… Lukas stands, putting the cones back into his satchel and retrieves his map. 

     “Uhh.. Hm..” Lukas holds the wide sheet out in front of him, finding it more or less useless no matter how much he maps out his trails. “Gah, I should have spent more time in cartography class..” He shakes his head, stuffing the map back into his bag. “This forest is huge ,” he gestures to it all. “Without Admin’s help, I’d probably have gotten lost in here the second time around..” He sighs.

     Then an idea strikes him. 

     Wait a second…

     “Allay?” Lukas turns his head, startling the blue spirit into attention. “What about you? Do you have a specific part of the forest that you enjoy?” Lukas asks. Allay seems taken aback by the question, then puts its little paw up to tap its face in thought. After a few moments of consideration, Allay sits up and floats off Lukas’ shoulder, fluttering a few blocks away before turning back to Lukas with a little flip. “Oh? I’ll take that as a yes?” Lukas perks up with a smile, then quickly steps forward. “Well by all means, lead the way.”

     Thump thump thump…

     Lukas and the Allay both come to a full stop at the sound of crushing twigs and shifting branches. The heavy footsteps already tell Lukas who it is, and he looks to his right just to see glowing eyes piercing through the darkness. The Admin walks casually, taking his time stepping closer and closer, approaching both of them now with his gaze shifting from Lukas to the Allay. This time Dewey hurries over to Lukas and stands behind his legs, his eyes wide and ears flat, but he makes no sound. 

     The Admin’s gaze is blank until he settles on the Allay, then the deity’s expression sours and he slowly shakes his head back and forth. 

     No? Lukas stands idly, watching the silent communication between the two. The Allay’s wings droop and its gaze lowers, visibly disheartened. The deity gestures with his hand for Allay to come, to which the creature slowly floats over. Looks like I got it in trouble.. Lukas frowns with guilt at the thought.

     The Admin then turns, his gaze resting on Lukas. The author’s head slowly raises as the dark blue man takes his heavy steps closer, their eyes locked on one another. Lukas’ skin coats with goosebumps and a chill runs down his back being forced to look up at the imposing male, decked out in heavy armor and everlasting shadow. The Admin’s glowing stare, though he no longer glowering at him, is sharp and captivating. There’s no otherworldly pressure keeping his body pinned to the earth, even as the Admin stops a mere two feet away. 

     The Admin stares… and stares as seconds pass. Lukas feels as though he’s begun to shrink under this man’s powerful aura he exerts. “U-uhm.. Hi, Admin..” He stutters, unsure of the reasoning behind the deity’s unyielding gaze. As more silent seconds pass, Lukas fumbles, heat rising and coloring his pale cheeks a bit darker as he turns his head down to look away. The presence in front of him is unmoving. Every passing second has Lukas feeling more and more nervous. 

     He looks back up finally.. Just to find that the eerie stare has softened, something he has yet to see from the ever grumpy forest deity. Lukas gazes back, his jaw dropping, trying to form words but he’s clamming up. The turquoise glow then shifts, descending Lukas’ form and landing on something, locking his gaze. Lukas follows it down to the basket he holds in his hands and.. Things suddenly begin to click. 

     “O-oh.. Did you want another cookie?” Lukas offers up the basket, then stops. “Actually, hold on,” he quickly turns and kneels down away from the deity, laying the basket on the ground but taking the cloth and all that rest in its confines along with it. The blond shuffles the goods around a bit so they sit in the middle of the cloth, then he wraps the fabric over them and ties a knot. “Here,” he says as he stands, “Allay and I ate most of the honey biscuits, but there’s still one left for you. Other than that, the rest of the cookies are all yours..” Lukas offers up the bundled sweets, feeling his heart throb with mixing waves of joy and relief when the Admin extends his waiting palm and accepts them. 

     With that, Lukas adjusts his satchel over his shoulder and looks up at the deity, offering him a soft smile. “I hope those can cheer you up a bit. I feel horrible about what BeaconTown has done to your forest and I…” Lukas looks away, rubbing at his arm. “I hope you can find peace again someday.” And with that, the blond turns and begins walking back in the direction he came. “Come on, Dewey.” He calls his ocelot along. The big cat stares between the Admin and his Allay, then back at Lukas in confusion before he too stands and hurries up to walk beside Lukas.

     Each step carries him further and further away from the unmoving god. His heart is beating so fast, he feels almost out of breath with how badly he wished to stay, but… This is for the best. 

     He accepted them… That’s all that matters. I’ll bring more for him whenever I visit. It’s the least I can do for him.

     ~ 

     For all that's happened in life leading to this very moment, all Admin can do is watch Lukas walk away. The warmth of the cookies heating his palm through the thick leather glove, the scent permeating the air around him. He lowers his overshadowed gaze to the bundle, adjusting his grip around it. The sweet aroma is something he’d never thought he’d smell again, and the flavors brought him back to a forgotten life long ago.

     The Allay chimes just above his head, looking down at him with emotion. It lowers itself down to Admin’s eye level, only to float out of reach when their eyes meet.

     Admin waves it away, grunting as he turns his attention back to the bundle. He carefully undoes its bow tied knot, and sighs as the cookies fall out of their stacked order. Admin immediately offers the Allay one of the treats and watches it float away in Lukas’ direction, leaving him alone in the narrow trail.

     There’s something different about Lukas.. Something Admin cannot figure out. Maybe more time together will help him figure out what that something is. So long as he keeps bringing him cookies.

     A single biscuit?

     Admin retrieves that first, holding it in his teeth as he wraps the cookies up again. With a deep inhale, the scent of honey and sugary sweet icing make his mouth fill with drool, and the first bite brings him back to that safe time before BeaconTown fell…

     A better time, where he could live in peace. 

     He ought to thank Lukas.

[marcelinesghost13]

Ok blog we got some bullshit to talk about. Currently it is 4:20 in the morning. My brain has to do this block even though I'm fitting in and out. You may not make any sense of what I'm talking about cuz the thoughts are going to be completely random and all over the place. I'll definitely try to keep it together though but no promises.

So today I got to meet my therapist and my new PCP. I liked both of them. There are two factors that happened. One my blood pressure was actually pretty leveled. That's really because my wife didn't go with me and she wasn't screaming at me the whole fucking time. I mentioned this to her and she just laughed and actually said the only reason why your blood pressure is so high is because of me always screaming at you. That's some fucked up shit. Constantly knows the reason why my blood pressure is high is because of her. That's some really fucked up shit. But it was also talking to my friend the whole time who I see as a sister. I think to help keep my heart rate down. She's an amazing woman does a lot of amazing things.

I'm finally starting my journey towards who I'm supposed to be. I will be starting HRT in about 8 weeks. I was on it for a bit but I got off of it. That had to do with my wife and hurt bullshit. As many of you know she is not a fan of me becoming a woman. There are some days where she's okay with it and she talks about makeup and other things with me. But a great majority of the time she doesn't give a fuck she doesn't like the idea "it's weird". My doctor wants me to quit smoking. That's going to be a bad habit to quit. Especially since I've been smoking since I was 14 years old. But I bought this little device thing called FÜM air vaporizer. I don't know if it's supposed to help with smoking. Fucking thing better work that cost me a hundred dollars lol. But in any case I'm very excited about going on this journey I'm finally getting back on my HRT.

When I got home well actually scratch that before I go home I was already getting texts from my wife but where the fuck I was. Because I was gone for 6 hours basically. When I finally got home she asked if I had a good time. I asked her with what. She replied you know what I'm talking about you were gone all day having fun while I sat here having to put up with a crackheads. I told her I wasn't having any fun I was doing doctor's appointments. Her comment was sure you were I know what you were doing.

Then after that she went on a tangent of letting me know how I'm like my perverted father. Because that's all my dad does is go around fucking 20 year olds. That statement alone is fucking stupid as fuck. One my dad is impotent he can't get it up and the second factor is he can't take Viagra because he'll fuck with his heart and he can have a heart attack from it. So the chances of my dad actually having sex is like 0 to fucking none. Yeah my wife is insistent but that's exactly what my dad has been doing for the last couple weeks and why he ended up in a rehab retirement center.

That's another thing that she's been bitching about my dad being in a rehab retirement center. She's been so angry that he ended up there. Letting me know that he completely ruined our lives because he ended up there. That he's playing all these like mind games to fuck with her lives. I don't get how I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm answering doctor's appointments and Dr phone calls and all these other people there supposed to help but that's some of the problem my father has all this help and my wife has absolutely fucking no one according to her. So that's where the jealousy comes in because she's fucking jelly as hell. She does not like the fact that he has so many different people helping him with this process. Yet for years my wife has dealt with all of her doctors. I would help a lot more if I knew the phone numbers and the name of the doctors and stuff like that but she doesn't give me any of that information. She always find something when everybody to be angry about what they're doing in their life because her life is so miserable.

I think it's ridiculous that she acts like that. Stop being so miserable because everyone else is doing something in their life. Regardless of you agree to it or disagree to it. I get that the crackheads next to our house or drug addicts and you're going to act weird. Doesn't mean you have to mentally freak out on that shit. I understand that you grew up with people like that in your life. They need to learn to ignore it. You need to learn to conquer your trauma. She needs to learn to accept that certain people ask certain ways and you can't change that.

Oh dear my head's starting to get all light again. I'm trying to wrap this up pretty quick. So in any case besides my wife and her constant bitching and complaining about everyone that exists on this planet because she doesn't feel well. Things seem to be moving pretty good for me. Things are actually working very well for her too. Her doctor's finally figured out what's going on with her kidneys and bladder. So that's a plus. She is slowly getting better she just doesn't notice it. And I might be able to transfer over at work we'll see if that actually happened fingers crossed. All right about what happened to my dad in a different blog but as of right now that's currently where we're at.

So that's pretty much it that's what's going on so far. I'm going to go pass out now again because I'm exhausted and mentally drained.

081620240455

[shindayyume]

Let’s Party •°. *࿐🍷

Pt. 2 of Vanessa’s POV to @simmetrycal’s mystery girl series <3

All credits to Sim for their ocs (ex. Raymond, Ash, Chantelle, and Jia)

『••✎••』

It was yet another long day for Vanessa. Eli was out in school, and she was glued to her seat within the tattoo shop. Just by midday she had already done 3 clients. They were small, simplistic tattoos— but it still takes a toll when you’re constantly holding a needle in your hand.

But finally, it was now time for Vanessa to head onto break before her next appointment.

Just before she can go and grab her purse- a silhouette at the doorway caught her attention.

Ethan.

He leaned against the small entree way, smiling. “Put your wallet down, girl. Cmon, I’ll go buy us lunch.”

~

“What?! How come you didn’t tell me about this guy earlier? Nessi, I’m your brother..” He pouted, taking a saddened bite from his sandwich.

She rolled her eyes, then sighed as she picked at her food. It’s been little over a week since she’s seen that blond haired man. Ever since that day, Vanessa has been unable to get his face out of her head. She’s been cursed with a crush. And she hated it- it made her feel like a pathetic highschooler again.

“Because- I know how you can be. But this one’s different, he seemed really sweet. And he didn’t have a problem with Eli.”

“Right. But- he could be a total jackass just trying to get some game. I mean come on! An eye brow piercing? Seriously? Fuckboy.”

“Collin has one?”

“My point entirely. Now that guys a freak in bed.”

“Ugh,” she groaned. Not irritated by Ethan’s words but- by the fact that she couldn’t stop thinking about the stranger she had met at the dog park.

Ethan chowed down on his food, taking out his phone to do some detective work. All he had was a description given to him by Vanessa- but no matter how little the information, he always finds a way.

“Look, Nessi. I’m not saying *Don’t* shoot your shot. But I don’t trust anyone who’s seemingly this perfect pretty doll. He’s definitely hiding something.”

“See! This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you. You’re too dramatic,”

“I was right before, wasn’t I?”

A dead silence pans over them, like a pair of scissors slicing the red wire. Ethan was right. The last time she had gotten her hopes up, she was left alone with a kid to raise.

“I’m sorry- sorry.” Maybe a little too far- clearing his throat, “all I’m saying is.. be careful. And if you do mysteriously run into each other again- I will tear out his jugular and make him eat it if he so dares to make a wrong move.” He smiled- purely innocent.

Damnit. She couldn’t help but smile back, nodding. “I doubt I’ll see him again.. I even stay a few extra hours longer than usual at the park now but- I never spot him.”

She scooted her plate across the table, letting him finish it off.

“Must be nice to have a secret admire like that, maybe he gets scared every-time he sees ya and hides in his car” he laughed, “he sounds like a nerd.”

While chatting, he was simultaneously scouring all over the internet. He was having a difficult time.. after all, there are millions of blond men out there. Until he remembered an important detail from her story- into the search he typed,

Jia Taylor.

Bingo.

Instantly a profile popped up. She seemed like a simple woman, the account was old and unused. At first glance, it could be taken as nothing but the average cringey Instagram selfies and environmental photos. Not even in her description did she mention anything about her life. Just her occupation and a sad quote from a TV show.

That is until, he began to scroll. His eyes lit up- spotting an outdated photo from a couple of years ago. It was her, and a blond man. That same man had a singular eyebrow piercing, and even the same squared ear jewelry described by Vanessa.

Holy shit. He thought, quickly clicking on the post- the caption was simple,

‘Dinner with Raymond.’

Okay, nothing to urgently worry about yet.. At least now he has a first name. Taking a better look at the photo- he definitely saw Raymond’s appeal. personally, not his taste but hey, to each their own. Taking the name to google, he searched it up and scavenged through any link he could find. Eventually, he came up on a username-

‘Mrstealyourgirl’

How.. quirky.

Inspecting deeper, the profile belonged to a dark haired man with bright blue eyes. By the name of Ash.

“Damn,” he muttered, not out of interest or appeal.. he genuinely thought the guy was irritable just by looking at his face.

“And I- hm? Ethan, are you even listening??”

He looked up- this whole time Vanessa had been rambling on and he didn’t hear a word. “Uhhh… yesss?” He grinned.

“Right. So as I was saying—“

Aaannnd back to stalking. Scrolling the post, the guy seemed to be fairly popular. The photos he shared basically documented his life. Including the most important people in it- there was a few that included Raymond. More recent too.

There were a few embarrassing photos of Ash and Raymond together, that included them ‘hanging out’ in ways Ethan never considered non romantic.

Starting off normal, out eating lunch together.

The two doing clay face mask.

wearing matching outfits.

Holding hands at work?

And why the hell were so many captions from Ash calling this dude ‘slime’??

Either they are really great friends.. or really great friends.

Now, Ethan knew he could just be reaching, and end up extremely incorrect. But for Vanessa’s sake, he had to consider each and every possibility.

“His names Raymond.” He interrupted.

Vanessa stopped her yapping- confused by what he was talking about. “Who-?”

He turned his phone screen around, showing off the account to her. Taking the phone- she did her own little inspection. “Yeah- that’s him.. how’d you-“

He shrugged, collecting their trash. “I got my ways. He doesn’t have his own account, though. Guess he’s not an internet person”

Deep down, he wanted to mention that Jia person he found. But he decided not to. And he didn’t understand why. Maybe he just wanted to do some more digging first- to get an entire background check on the guy before unleashing Pandora’s box to Vanessa. After all, she was his best friend. The last thing he wanted was for her to be hurt.

And the last thing he needed was an issue.

Her eyes gazed over the post, focusing on those with Raymond in it. He was just as beautiful in photos as he was in person. But she gloomed over not being able to find his account. If she could- she would’ve sent a message by now. Ethan’s voice bringing her back to reality,

“Cmon, I need a cigarette”

~

Returning back to the shop, Ethan stopped at the entrance. Leaning against the wall with a lit cigarette in between his fingers.

Before entering the shop without him, she stopped to give him a glance. “I have one more client for the day.. do you have a soda? I need some sugar to wake me up.”

he nodded, “in the fridge in the back. There’s energy drinks in there too”

“Ew- those are discussing. I’ll do with a Pepsi. See ya,” and just like that, she was off.

Ethan raised the cigar up to his lips, releasing a stream of smoke. Among the mist- a couple caught his eye. Two women were walking their way up to the shops doors, hand in hand.

Upon looking over- He noticed a familiarity to one of the woman’s faces. He didn’t know her personally, no. But he recognized those dark braids on Ash’s Instagram post. This girl was a friend of his. And it sparked his curiosity-

As they approached, he gave them a friendly smile just before they entered bleeding ink.

What a strange coincidence, he thought.

*~ The party ~*

It took some convincing, but with enough persuasion from Collin and Davis.. she got Collin to babysit Eli for the night.

It wasn’t something she was used to, getting dressed up and going to a party was only something she did before she got pregnant. It’s not like she missed it very much. Afterall, she did a lot of stupid decisions during those times.

She had to dig deep into her closet, eventually finding a slim black dress and matching heels. Being that it was old- it was a bit of a tight fit around her figure. Needless to say, she had to do a few jump and bend test to make sure nothing would rip or flash out on her-

After applying some light makeup, she was ready to leave the apartment.

Questioning if this was worth it.

Upon reaching the address, she was surprised to see so many cars parked around. It seemed like it was quite a popular place- though how could it not be? The house was gorgeous. Giant windows, and a grand entrance fit for royalty to walk on.. there was no way she would fit into this scene- and for a while , she waited in her car just staring. hesitant to even step foot out of her vehicle- who would really notice if she were to chicken out and turn her car around….

But no.

This was her chance to relax, and enjoy herself for once…

And maybe give her the opportunity to get Raymond out of her head.

As she stepped through the main doors, she started to feel the loud bumping of the speakers in her own chest. They raced with her heart, mostly out of nerves. The place was comfortably crowded- but it felt so claustrophobic as she took a long look around. Not a single face she could recognize. It was just a room full of strangers and bad habits to her-

Until she heard a familiar voice shout from the crowd. Despite the room being so loud and overwhelmed with different sounds- she heard it clear as day.

“Hey!-“

Raymond.

He was there, in the middle of it all. And honestly it made her want to laugh, he looked more out of place than she did. Raising her hand up to her face to cover her giggles- but needless to say, her stress washed away to find that she did in fact know somebody here.

“Hi!”

They began to walk forwards one another, meeting in the middle. “I had no idea you’d be here?” She questioned him, because why would someone like Raymond out of all people be in a party like this? Was he secretly an animal?

Though, as she looked up to him and waited for an answer- she noticed him blanking again. The same gawking stare he had gave her when they first met. It seems like anytime she speaks during his zoning out, her words just fly through one ear and out the other…

It made her nervous. If she would have known he’d be here, she would have dressed nicer.. or maybe put some more effort into her hair or makeup. Though with his staring, she felt like she was being watched by a lion ready to pounce at her. Making a nervous smile- “You okay?”

He stood there, starstruck and glued to the floor. But luckily for them, an unexpected ice breaker broke out-

There was a loud thump from behind them, and of course it was Ash’s doing. He had thought of the brilliant idea to climb the flimsy table they had set up beer pong with. It collapsed underneath him, causing him to flip back and crack the table in two straight out of a cartoon. The half filled cups flew and landed on a few standby victims.

Vanessa recognized his face. It was the same guy displayed in the photos with Raymond- must be the reason why Ray was here in the first place.

Being a panicked mother, her natural instincts came in as she rushed over to help. “Jesus- are you okay??” She loomed over Ash- who was completely knocked out on the ground and broken table pieces. A few others were quick to come surround him- Raymond too.

“Shit- let’s get him on the couch..”

A woman approached, the same woman Vanessa had tattooed recently- she’s the entire reason why she’s here in the first place..

“Be careful- he might’ve hit his head.”

Carefully, Raymond was able to relocate Ash from the ground to the nearby couch. They all waited to see if he would come to or possibly need to be rushed to the hospital- but eventually, his eyes began to open.

His gaze crossed over Raymond and Chantelle. Then stopped on Vanessa- causing her to lean forward a bit, still keeping a good distance from Ash’s face. “Are you okay?”

He attempted to seat himself up, to which she stopped him- pressing her hand lightly against his open chest. “Just lay here for a moment. You had a pretty big fall” she smiled, in attempt to comfort the guy.

Though that smile might have changed once Ash grabbed her hand- She didn’t know if it was on purpose, but the hold had caused her hand to ‘slip’ in the direction further down his shirt. He gave her this dazed look that just spilled of hopeless puppy.

Oh god.

Ash, was no where near her interest. To her, she saw him as some scruffy little kid.

To make that clear, she bashfully pulled her hand away. “My son tends to trip a lot, he’s normally better after settling down for a bit.”

“Thank you, Miss pink hair..” he mutters, dramatically throwing his arm over his head as if he were dying to an arrow in the chest.

Seeing his drama, Chantelle quickly left the scene.

“Oh- it’s Vanessa.” She corrected. That seemed to trigger interest- noticing Ash give Raymond a smug look. Man was this guy weird-

Besides her, Raymond cleared his throat. “This is my boss, Asher.”

Boss??!

This thing is Raymond’s boss?

“Nice to meet you.” She avoids taking his hand again, to not further cause injury of course… but to her surprise, Raymond introduces himself as well. Suppose it’s best that he doesn’t know she already is aware of his name- shaking his hand.

His grip is firm, yet soft. Neither of them wanted to let go of one another. Instead of breaking it he ask, “How about we take this somewhere more private?”

And of course, she happily agrees.

From the couch, Ash also agrees. “Oh that’s a great idea!” He reaches his arms out, fully expecting Raymond to lift him up so all three of them can disappear to chat. Though, he is ignored. Both Vanessa and Raymond zip right past him.

“You’re just going to leave me here??”

She is led outdoors, to this beautiful and large pool area. Whoever owns this house must be quite the amazing individual.

Their hands finally disconnect, and for a brief moment there’s a bit of regret from the both of them.

“So.. that’s your boss?” He laughed. “Is he always so…”

“Unfortunately, yes, he is.” He chuckled back. He seemed unfazed by it, like it was a common occurrence.

“Is he younger than you? He seems fresh out of college.” It was still hard to believe. There was no way Raymond was working for someone like Ash.

“He might as well be. This is the first party of his that I’ve been to after years of him asking.”

“Woah, okay Mr. Popular” she teased. She thought so. Raymond didn’t seem like this was his crowd.

He laughed, walking her towards the edge of the empty pool. Maybe to sneak more glances at her through the water reflection. Just to avoid him staring directly too much. “How do you like it so far? The party I mean.”

To be fair, she has hardly had much of an experience yet. But.. “I wasn’t. Until now,” in an attempt to hide her smile, she also turned her attention to the water. Though Raymond fully caught it.

“You know, I was actually really hoping I’d see you again after-“

Their moment was cut short as Vanessa felt a harsh push- a group of young men had ran out from the building, tossing an object so far that the one catching wasn’t paying much attention. Bumping right into Vanessa.

She made a light gasp as she slipped forward. Feeling Raymond’s hand wrap around her waist.

They both plummeted into the pool.

She had resurfaced before Raymond, taking a moment to process what just happened. But instinctively, she began to laugh and push aside her now soaked hair that covered her face. After getting her vision back, she swam to the edge and pulled herself up. Noticing Raymond follow right after her.

Before she could continue to make a joke out of it, she remembered that her phone was tucked away in her pocket- panicked as she pulled it out.

Nonono.

This was her only way of contact in case anything happened with Eli- she attempted to turn it on, but of course not even a single light flickered. “You’ve got to be kidding me..” she sat at the pull edge, still soaked and now sulking over her broken phone.

She notices Raymond’s shadow stand above her- extending his hand out for her to take. She turned her head up, the first thing her eyes went to was his belt buckle. Then his face.

And everything blanked.

Suddenly her phone wasn’t much of a concern anymore- reaching up and taking Raymond’s hand as he helped her back onto her feet.

Seemed like Raymond knew his way around- he walked her over to pool house not far. It was warm and cozy, providing them both with some life saving towels. She thanks him as he hands her one, using it to dry her hair.

All seems fine, until she notices Raymond start to unbutton his top and remove his shirt- wringing out the extra water.

She doesn’t notice her face redden, nor does she realize how hard she was staring. He’s toned, and perfectly built. It was impossible for a man to look this good.

He catches her stare, laughing. “Oh, sorry- I didn’t mean to strip like that.” A hint of embarrassment in his tone

“Oh no- it’s fine.. I would do the same but, I’m only wearing the dress,”

She doesn’t know why she felt the need to say that, but it clearly irked him on.

“i feel that,” he says, then backtracks. “i mean i- i don’t feel that- not like i know what that’s like but i just mean— i would agree that that’s, um, understandable”

Her heart melted. For a guy with such a stern demeanor, was quite the softie.

She heard sudden ringing coming from him- causing him to stumble for his phone. While he was busy with that, she walked a few steps to the neatly set up bed. She couldn’t help but notice how they had a moment of solitude now- no interruptions like that the park..

She laid out the towel in her hands against the edge of the bed. Speaking as she did so, “You know, it’s a bit quieter here..”

her words had caught Raymond’s attention. His eyes drifting from the contact on his phone to her.

She stretched her body out, taking a seat on the edge of the bed and looked up to him. With her hair and dress still damp, she knew it was partially see through. and her mascara was ever so slightly ruined by the water.

She still had a few tricks up her sleeve after all these years.

And it was working.

She watched as Raymond’s temperature in his face rose up, showing his eagerness as she was now at the same height of his hips.

Though she noticed him freeze up, clearly panicked and nervous. Maybe he wasn’t so interested in jumping to sleep with her.. her chest sunk as she as just about to suggest returning to the party. But to her surprise-

He joined her. Forcing her to lean back further as he hovered over her body- despite having fell in the pool, she can feel the body heat radiating off of him. And with their faces only inches apart, she could now smell the rich scent of whisky on him.

She thought in her head for a moment, about how the smell could just be from a spill at the party.. but she was curious, if it was really just his decision to have a few drinks. To find out for herself, she opted to get a taste of it.

Meeting their lips together into a surprisingly sweet kiss.

She let her eyes fall closed, noticing a few hiccups in Raymond’s actions. She wanted to giggle- starting them off slowly with the slow kiss, and letting him open up to it. The soft touch alone was enough to get him breathless- hearing him take a short break by groaning his sexual frustration out.

As if it couldn’t be anymore obvious on the poor guy.

Her arms find their way around Raymond’s neck, and she deepened the kiss by guiding her tongue in.

At the same time, he could feel one of his hands get tangled in her hair. And the other inching its way underneath the bottom of her dress. She hummed through his lips- begging for him to use his hand to explore every inch of her body.

But he didn’t.

He broke away from the kiss, and Vanessa was surprised to see this saddened look on his face. It reminded her of a lonely kitten behind bars.

“I’m sorry,” He whispers.

“What for?”

“I- I don’t know.. I don’t want to take advantage of you..” to make it even worse, he completely backs away- leaving her to pick up his shirt and throw it back on.

It was completely unexpected, and she couldn’t process it fast enough for his words to break her heart. “You aren’t,”

“I’d rather be with you completely sober.” He admits, his back turned to her. She’s unsure if it’s his alcoholic mind talking, or if she genuinely isn’t as desirable as she made herself out to be.

Truthfully though, she can tell he was completely serious about it. And the more she thought about the situation, the more she realized it was probably for the best.

Especially with them being at some strangers home, unknowingly ruining their property for a one night stand.

She gives him a nod, meeting his understanding.

She watches as he turns back around, now having fixed all the buttons on his shirt. Asking a shocking question,

“are you hungry?”

~

She would have never imagined she’d end up in the passenger seat of his car.

And his very own home.

The two had an amazing time together. Raymond offered to cook, which was a first for her. Normally she was the one making meals for her and Eli. So it was nice, to finally get a break.

And gods, was Raymond a chef in the kitchen. With each bite, her taste buds melted at the flavor. She was eternally grateful, and made sure he knew that.

After dinner, and some quick laughs between one another, Vanessa thought it would be best to return home. Of course, Raymond offered to take her. But just before they could make it to the door..

Crack.

A loud cackle and drum of thunder followed. It sounded quite furious- starting heavy rainfall outdoors.

“Maybe we shouldn’t risk it,”

She nods, “probably for the best..”

“You might even.. have to spend the night.” He teases the offer confidently.

Vanessa raised a brow, seductively leaning herself closer against his body. “Is that so?”

“It’s so.”

“And where would I sleep? Do you have a guest room?”

“I’ll let you find it.”

And like giddy teenagers, the two rush upstairs. She couldn’t help but notice how beautiful his home is laid out. From the coloring of the floors and walls, to the simple decor on the shelves. And of course, the single bedroom.

“You liar. This was all just a wild goose chase.” She stood at the doorway, crossing her hands with a smile.

“Was it?” He slips past her, opening one of the drawers to take out a clean shirt and pants. He fiddles with his watch for a moment, removing it.

“Were you trying to get me to lay in bed with you? You should have just asked,”

She’s taken back by him approaching, handing out the top to her. “Sleep in my bed.” It was hardly a question, more so a begging demand from him.

How could she say no.

She accepts the shirt from him, huffing. “Look away,” he turns obediently, and she begins to strip.

She replaces her clothing with his shirt, which might as well just been another dress. Luckily it was long enough to cover the fact that she didn’t prepare shorts underneath her previous gown.

“You can look now.” And he turns, taking the dress from her hands that she had folded up.

“*Look away,*” he mocks, and she is obliged to turn around. For the most part she’s turned away, but she couldn’t help but to slightly tilt her head, grabbing a peek-

And she’s startled to find Raymond’s eyes meet with hers. “I thought I told you to look away?” He was finished dressing anyways, pulling his sweatpants comfortably around his hips.

She rolled her eyes, fully turning to face him now. He's topless, and it’s distracting.

“You don’t sleep with a shirt?”

“Not usually.” He admits, watching as Vanessa climbed into his very own bed.

The cushion was soft, and the blankets even more so. It caused her to melt as she sprawled her back against the linen. His bed was larger than hers, a king. She’d never had so much space before…

Naturally, Raymond was enjoying her watching her stretch out on his bedding.

“How do you stay warm?”

“Well, there are some ways.” She begins to flick off the lights, keeping a far lamp warmly lit. “Like blankets and..”

“Human contact,”

He joins her in bed, laying pressed up against her side. His hand instinctively placing himself along her outer thigh. Using it to tug her closer than they already were.

“Why don’t you demonstrate?” She purrs out, inching her face closer to his until they meet again in another kiss.

It doesn’t last long however, as Raymond breaks away to instead wrap his arms around her waist. Hugging her against his chest. She can feel his heartbeat at this point- and other things..

she can tell he’s almost- fearful. Scared to do the wrong thing and move this any further. Even if they weren’t meant to spend a night of passion together, she was just as happy to have someone protecting her throughout the night for once.

It was… nice. Raymond provided a different type of warmth for her.

One so gentle and caring that she could easily see herself staying her. Not just for one night, either.

She feels his hand move aside her hair, exposing her neck for him to leave a stubble trail of kisses against her skin.

It felt unreal, as if she was already dreaming. But to her surprise, Raymond’s kisses, and the loud roaring of thunder and raindrops hitting his window only further helped her drift off to sleep.

~

*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*

I may have rushed to complete this one so please excuse any mistakes or hiccups in the writing 😅 but hopefully it was enjoyable anyways, Ty for reading 🫶🏼

[fidgetninja]

Hello! It's been about 5 and a half years since I last posted here! I'm honestly surprised I still have followers.

Obviously a lot has happened in those 5.5 years. I remembered about this blog recently because I've recently restarted meds (atomoxetine aka Strattera) after being off it for over 2 and a half years.

Ngl, it's been a real struggle. I can go into the details in another post, but essentially I trialled going off meds 2.5 years ago and was never informed by the specialist that if I ever wanted to go back on them, I'd have to go through the whole referral process again, including being on the waiting list.

In 2015/16 when I was first referred and then diagnosed, that was 9 months. In 2022, it was anywhere from 2-5 years! And even then, that's an estimate based off crowdsourcing, as no clinic gives an estimated wait time any more.

So I put myself on the waitlist again, at the time thinking I could manage for a few years. Turns out, I couldn't. My life has fallen apart in a lot of ways and I've had a very difficult time. I've gone through life events that anyone would find a challenge, but having an untreated condition like ADHD has exacerbated it immensely. Furthermore, I moved house 1.5 years into the waitlist, meaning I was discharged and told I had to start again in my local area. The new clinic refused to honour my wait time.

Which leads me to the last month. I made the difficult decision to go private, gathering up savings and meticulously planning finances. I'm glad I made that decision. It was a 2.5 week wait for an appointment, and then I got meds to my door 2 days later. I'm now 8 days into atomoxetine.

I'm sure a lot of you have heard about how the NHS/healthcare in the UK is going through a crisis (or you may have experienced it yourself). It has badly hit long-term care of chronic conditions, as well as healthcare that was already underrepresented and/or stigmatised.

I've been very angry at my country for a long time, and I've felt increasing despair. However the last couple of weeks I've began to feel some hope. It's gonna be tough as I try to put my life back together, but I finally have the fuel I need to make the hard work I put in reap rewards.

I don't exactly know what I'll post here, but I like the idea of posting about my experiences semi-regularly again. It seemed to help people, and hell, it helped me to go back and read my old med logs to remember what exactly to expect going back on atomoxetine.

I hope you're all doing well. The world is a scarier place than it was 5.5 years ago, but I hope you're all still managing to fight and find joy in it, even small things.

Take care everyone!

[cozycreaturescorner]

OK. actually officially trying to slowly come back to my Tumblr now! I'll likely be cleaning out a bunch of stuff in the next few days, and hope to start posting more regularly again!

some updates:

-i'm attempting to learn how to tap dance

-i just started ritalin a few days ago at the suggestion of my psych and woww I can't believe everyone else has refused to prescribe a stimulant until now! my pain is actually pretty manageable and I already feel a bit more even-keeled

-i initiated getting back in touch with the only cis man (and probably sweetest person) I've been with (we've both tried to meet up again over the years to no avail); we're trying to find time to hang out soon under the guise of likely a concert or parafencing lesson

-i finally had the appointment with my geneticist I waited nearly a year for, and he 100% believes I have a connective tissue disorder. i'm battling insurance to cover the DNA testing he ordered though, so I still don't have an official diagnosis

-i got a reasonable chunk of money deposited recently from a covid relief grant for individuals in the arts!

-i'm trying to get in contact with the local commission on disability to actually make concrete steps towards fixing the myriad of accessibility issues I've encountered around my town and am unfortunately only just noticing as a part time wheelchair user

-I saw TWO different broadway musicals (Chicago and Some Like it Hot) in the past couple months (payed for by my estranged and disgusting dead grandfather's will money. the only good thing anyone got from him)

-i'm so much stronger and better in my wheelchair now that I have power assisted wheels-this shit is amazing (I've already ridden 40 miles in total with them)

-i'm auditioning for a play for this season with the triple bonus features that it's right in town, about queer shit, and had an audition form that asked me about my access needs and (then casting folks who informed me) how they could meet them

-i'm in the process of trying to get SSDI so I can actually have closer to enough income every month to support myself independently and move out of my parents' house

-my testosterone is extremely high and yet after 6 years I don't look extremely masculine: a medical mystery. I inject .30ml IM once a week, which should put me at the lower end of the average cis guy range, but apparently my levels are markedly higher than that (the high cis t level of 1,070ng/dl vs. my recent level of 1,3011)

[windwardstar]

that one t post

Since there's some of y'all who showed interested, here's the big rundown of my experiences with T. This covers being on T for 3 month at 26, stopping it for a few years, then the first 9 months of being on T at 28. Contains the changes that have happened while I’ve been on T + the interactions with my other health conditions + the process of accessing care. It’s safe for work/reading in public as far as any puberty/medical body talk is. Word count is ~8k.

T round 1 (2019 - I was 26)

If you followed me back in 2019, you might recall me getting on T at the end of that year.

I didn’t have a PCP and was in a very conservative state which made me concerned about finding a trans friendly provider, so I decided to go through Planned Parenthood knowing it was informed consent. The PP that had a gender clinic and was open on my day off was on the other side of the state/2 hour drive one way. But also, when I went to book an appointment they had one for the same week/the next day so I didn’t have to wait. I had insurance through my work that partially covered the visit, the lab work, and the prescriptions. This was out of network for my insurance so I paid more than if it was in network. My local pharmacy was the Sam’s Club which has $4 prescriptions for members- which is what I ended up paying as it was significantly cheaper than my insurance co-pay. (I did not get a prescription for a sharps container and bought one from the local store.) I got my supplies in 3 month batches and didn’t have any issues with the pharmacy.

At the appointment, I was given a big packet of “side effects” (aka the desired results) it included a handy chart of when certain changes would likely happen. My provider went over it with me to make sure I knew what to expect, and asked me a couple questions about my gender identity and transition goals to get a feel for me and make sure this was what I wanted. I was completely out at work and socially. I had very recently moved out of an abusive homelife and was catching my feet mental health wise, but I was in therapy at the time and on medications that had been as a consistent dose for about a year (aka: mental health problems were well controlled), so the doctor was comfortable prescribing me T. We decided to try weekly injections first to limit potential high/lows on a longer dose cycle.

The Labs for this provider were Initial Labs, 3 Months, 6 Months, Then Yearly. My 3 Month Labs hit right at the start of Covid Lockdown, I wasn’t able to get in for them (perpetually overlapping quarantines at work yo), the shift to telehealth hadn’t happened, and then I ran out of my psych meds (antidepressant and an antipsychotic/mood stabilizer) so my executive functioning skills went bye-bye for a while. So I couldn’t get my prescription renewed and had to stop T after like 3 months. 

I took Testosterone Cypionate (0.25 ML, 0.50 MG) by Intramuscular (IM) Injections in my thigh once a week. The syringes had a twist on/off for the needles themselves (bigger one for the drawing up, smaller for the injection). They hurt a lot for me. I’d get a bruise around the injection site and the muscle would be very sore for 2-3 days after and hurt when I walked or used the muscle. It wasn’t enough to make me want to stop, but it wasn’t pleasant.

(Because of the long drive, the doctor didn’t have me come back for the first shot, just confirmed I was comfortable administering it myself and knew the process. She said if I ran into problems there were youtube videos I could look at or I could call.)

I did have issues with my needle phobia, but before getting to the part of actually seeking out access to T, I’d done a lot of work to manage it. The few years prior to starting T, I’d had to get a lot of blood drawn for lab work, several IVs, and quite a few vaccines which had helped me calm down so I was no longer having panic attacks around needles. The biggest thing that helped though was mental work and visualization. I started out just contemplating the concept of T injections in the abstract, then read posts with people talking about injections, looked at visuals of needles/syringes and people administering them. The last step was then thinking about giving myself injections and visualizing it. The whole time I tried to associate it with all the positive things I’d hoped to get from T and reminding myself the injections/ivs/blood draws of the previous years had all been perfectly fine and my anxiety was not reflecting what actually happened. (I also got a tattoo a month or so before I started T and after the initial anxiety I was mostly just fascinated by watching the tattoo gun, which was what really made me think I could do the T injections.) It took a long time to get to that point. When I started, I was only able to think about needles for a few seconds at a time. But I was able to give myself my first T shot with only a little anxiety (my hands shook a lot). And with each successful injection, the anxiety went down.

The Changes on T (1-3 Months):

Increased body hair. I noticed the hair on my thighs thickening and darkening around the injection sites, but not really much else. The peach fuzz on my face increased and I got a few dark hairs but there wasn’t really anything to shave. I think I shaved my face once because I wanted to not because there was anything to really shave…

Voice Changes: I sang quite a bit so I noticed that my lower register got fuller and the lowest end of my range got easier to access, but other than that there weren’t any vocal changes that I noticed. I didn’t get any voice breaking or cracking.

Bottom Growth: Yeah, there was some of that. Enough I noticed. Things also got very very sensitive and painful. OTC pain meds and ice packs helped. Loose clothes. Also manspreading. 

Periods: They got lighter and less painful almost immediately, and I skipped one 3 months in. Then I ran out of T and got my period back the next month.

Acne:  I didn’t get acne until the 3 month mark or so, but that also coincided with the start of wearing masks. It got really painful so I started using the OTC acne cream I used in high school, and it cleared up to something manageable once I was off T. (My teenage acne hit HARD at 13 and didn’t clear up until I was 24.)

Nightmares: The first month I started getting a significant increase in nightmares/remembering them upon waking up. This may have been because I had just moved into my own place and escaped an abusive environment, but my therapist at the time mentioned that nightmares were a common thing for people starting T (it is a big hormone change so y’know).

Other Changes: there may have been some, but it’s been a few years so I don’t really remember.

T round 2: 9 Months (2022 started at 28)

The goal was always to get back on T. It just took a while. Cross country move (liberal state now yo), new job, getting new insurance. Once I did, I had to figure out where to get T again. The planned parenthoods were all booked months out and none open for gender clinic stuff on my days off. 

I went through my doctor’s office, found out they have a special gender health program for trans people and transferred care to them. I had to wait like a month to get an appointment, but it means my PCP/GP is versed in trans care and does all my hormones. The experience is fantastic. The whole office used my chosen name and pronouns before they got legally changed and had the ability to change the display name on my chart so everyone would use the correct one.

The initial visit was via phone. It was a lot of the same causal “tell me about yourself and your transition goals” as the last time. We skipped a lot of the “this is what t will do” since I already knew it, and folded it in with talking about my experience being on T previously, what I liked, what I hoped for, what I found difficult, etc. I was off the psych medications I had been on the last time, but since I’d been off for two-ish years and was stable, I was ok to restart T. We started me off on the same dose and frequency I had been on previously, but because the IM had been painful, we switched to SubQ.

I didn’t need any initial lab work done, but I’ve done them every 3 months after starting. I had to go in person to pick up my prescription (which I did the next morning after my initial telehealth visit, the pharmacist called the insurance to get the authorization & everyone there was super great) and meet with the nurse to administer my first shot. The doctor poked her head in to say hi in person.

My insurance covers the visits, lab work, and prescriptions. I did have to get prior authorization and have a letter from the insurance company stating my T prescription is approved for a year. I got a prescription for a sharps container this time since the stores did not have any on the shelves. (The pharmacy was out of the small ones too, so I ended up with the big gallon size. It takes up a ton of space under the sink, but it should last me several more years before I have to dispose of it.) My needles also just have a smooth pop on/off to attach to the syringe.

For the first six months, the depo was a 0.25ML/0.50 MG SubQ injection once a week. Because there were certain changes I wasn’t seeing, at 6 months my dose was increased to 0.40ML/0.80MG SubQ once a week.

The SubQ injections basically don’t hurt after I’ve injected them. A couple times I injected them too quickly (just sticking the needle in and pressing down on the plunger too hard and forcing the liquid in, then pulling the needle out immediately) and those are when I’ve noticed redness, swelling, and soreness around the injection site. So my process for minimal pain and bleeding: wait until I’ve got cool skin (not right after a shower), inject slowly, count to 10 before pulling out the needle. Warming up the vial in my hands so the T isn’t cold and making sure everything is dry from the alcohol swabs before injecting also helps with the initial injection pain.

The anxiety around needles has basically all disappeared so I have no issue giving myself injections.

(I have a problem with my T vials crystallizing. I’ve found they take ages to dissolve, so I stick them in a pocket/waistband to keep them warm against my skin for an hour or so as I go about my morning, shaking it every now and then to see how it’s doing. I do my shot on my day off when I generally have time to do that. This time it’s Fridays. Last time it was Wednesdays.)

I started T (again) in April 2022 at 28

(Idk how the math works on these changes when you start/stop/restart on T. I wasn’t able to find anything. Probably because there’s not enough data on it. Given the length of the break, the T levels in my system had definitely reset, and I hadn’t been on T very long previously. Some of my changes went faster than the expected timeline, some slower, some about the same. So know there’s a parenthetical +3 months to all of this.)

Voice Changes: I noticed a continuation of the pattern from the last time. My lower register got much fuller and easier. My upper range started getting harder to reach. Nothing cracking or breaking, but there were some notes I was struggling to reach by the time the choir concert rolled around in mid-May. I started off bordering soprano/alto and was clinging to the alto range before we broke for summer (1-2 months)

I caught COVID from work over Memorial day (~2 months in) and my voice cracked a bit. I went into COVID being able to talk, was sick for a week, and then when the Covid cleared my voice was fried. I sounded terrible talking. Singing wise, my lower range had extended and my upper had come down, but I was still easily able to slip into my head voice.

Started Summer Choir at the end of June. I spent the first few weeks feeling like the songs were a little low for my range. Then things shifted again (~3months) and my singing range shrank to about 3 notes, I could not reliably open my mouth and make a sound, my breath control disappeared. I had one volume I could sing in, no going louder or softer or the sound would disappear. I sounded like a squeaky clarinet. (I did a very good seagull impression.) It was terrible and I loved every minute of it because it was so euphoric. I didn’t sound like a girl. I was firmly in the Tenor range. I was experiencing the puberty I’d always wanted to. (It was hard to tell with the first drop since it happened while I had COVID, but the second time my voice really cracked, I also had a really dry and sore throat.)

Enter August (~4 Months) my range was starting to re-expand. The low notes/chest voice coming back first. I was also figuring out how to make noise with the new instrument, because speaking and singing is all muscle memory. Which meant everything I knew previously was basically irrelevant at best and counter productive at worst. My brain would know how to produce a note on my pre-t vocal chords, so it would try to do what it had done before and either a) nothing would come out because my vocal chords are no longer capable of producing those notes or b) it would come out but be much lower. (I’m still working on retraining this 9 months in. My mental voice and physical voice do not match. I still think I sound like my pre-t self. Like, the thinking voice in my head sounds like my pre-T voice, it hasn’t dropped yet. Which makes singing difficult because I don’t know intuitively how I sound now. I have to adjust once I start making noise.) I was able to make my way through the concert at the end of August, but there were things too high for me since I wasn’t able to access that part of my range yet.

September/October/November/December (month 5-8) my singing range continued to expand and stabilize, the lower notes got much easier, volume control came back, my breath control returned with practice, and some access to my head range. My voice fatigues easily, but that’s getting better too. The vocal fry/clarity of my voice is getting better as well. I had to stop multiple times per rehearsal over the summer, but by December I was able to make it almost the whole rehearsal before reaching my limit. I do not have a smooth transition between notes and get stuck in low gear so to speak. Pre-t my favorite things to sing were songs where I jumped around my entire range. I miss that flexibility, but there are new things to enjoy singing now. I’m also only 9 (+3) months in, and my voice is going to continue to develop. My goals right now are just to continue exploring my singing voice as things change, and to try and get my brain to match what the new pipes can do. 

(January 1st, Month 9 (aka today while I was waiting to do a final round of edits on this post) I had a moment where things finally clicked into place for my singing voice. I was singing while doing the laundry, and I was just able to actually sing without feeling any strain. It felt easy and natural coming out. I had to focus on what I was singing to a degree, but not to the exclusion of doing other activities. The sound didn’t crack or disappear on me, and I didn’t run out of breath mid phrase. I was able to actually sing. It was also a moment where I was able to hear my voice and think “this is what I sound like, this is my voice” as opposed to the transitory state it’s existed in since I first started noticing changes. It’s also just a sense of feeling completed and right. I cried, and there was joy, but the predominant emotion was just feeling that things had finally aligned into where they were meant to be and an overwhelming settling peace.)

My biggest thing right now is just how much more air it takes to make sound, speaking or singing. My laugh has turned from a giggle to just blowing air out through my teeth or a bunch of kekekekeke where the sound is from my tongue stopping the air rather than my vocal chords making noise. Singing, I am having to breathe much more frequently than before. Speaking, I sometimes don’t do enough air and sound doesn’t come out. I go nonverbal A LOT more than before because the physical act of speaking has become harder. That initial start up to making noise is sometimes more than my brain can figure out in the moment.

My speaking voice has also changed a lot. The pitch has dropped, it’s gotten much rougher, but I tend to speak in a very femme manner. People have definitely noticed it’s dropped, but it sounds more “cold/laryngitis” than “guy.” People have definitely started reacting differently when they hear me speak over the phone, but I’ve yet to get any comments and it’s not been enough to keep strangers from misgendering me. I have the ability to sound like a guy, there are times when I am relaxed and can hear it come out. The bulk of how my speaking voice sounds is from how I’m using it. I sound like a girl to others because of all those aspects of speech that have nothing to do with how high or low it is. (Aka sounding like a guy at this point for me is about technique not physical ability. This is where speech therapists would be useful.) My dysphoria over my voice has essentially disappeared. I love my voice now, and I’m filled with so much excitement over seeing what else unfolds with it as I get used to it and how to use it. 

Acne/Skin Stuff: First off, Puberty 1.0 gave me terrible acne. It set in at like 13. Regardless of what I did as a teenager, I was unable to really control it. I had products but they didn’t really work and my mother wouldn’t get me to a dr for it. My skin was dry and oily. It would crack and peel and bleed and had reactions to every product I put on it. It got better in my twenties and was mostly gone by the time I was 24. It came back when I started T the first time + Covid Masking at 26. But by that point I’d found an acne cream + lotion combination of products that kept things almost clear.

I expected to have acne bad again on T because that’s just what my body does with hormones. By the end of the first month the acne was back. It progressed to being painful cystic acne by 3 months. I told my doctor and got a prescription cream. I’m meant to use it twice a day, I did at first, but it made my skin too dry, so I use it mostly once a day (generally after I’ve showered). I use it + a plain lotion for moisturizing/keeping things from getting too dry. I still have pretty bad acne, my face is red and skin is perpetually breaking out. But it’s not painful, and that’s my biggest goal with controlling acne. Especially because I react very strongly to products on my skin.

My acne still gets worse around my periods, so I know a lot of it is hormonal stuff going on. There’s some slight increase in body acne, but nothing that I even have to put cream on as it’s not painful and goes away on its own. The acne usually appeared in spots where hair was growing in for like a week or so while the hair started growing in thicker/darker.

The rest of my skin also got super oily. And I got super sweaty. And smelled funky for a little while. Previously I showered and washed my hair every other day because that was the balance of keeping my scalp happy. My skin also couldn’t handle more than that as it would get too dry and crack even with lotion. 1-2 months in, I was showering every day, over the summer (~3-6 months) I was showering once in the morning and once at night (mostly because sweat, but also smell) and washing my hair every day. I did not really experience any dry skin. Somewhere around the 7 month mark, that all decreased. 9 months in, I’m showering every day (with an extra shower if I get gross) and still have no problems with dry skin on my body.

The T has affected my scalp*. I started reacting to the shampoo I’d been using for years about a month or so into starting T. I switched to a different shampoo that worked for the most part, but then started causing problems about 7-8 months in. I’m currently trying a new shampoo + washing every other day or so, and hoping it works. This is getting brought up at my next appointment either for medicated shampoo or a referral to the derm if the current shampoo doesn’t work. *I don’t know if it’s causing a reaction to the products, or if there’s some interplay of the increased oils + increased sweat + my hair being wet for longer + more washings causing more dryness and more irritation + the hair dryer causing more irritation. All I know is my scalp is hurting and I am trying to figure out why + what I can do to make it stop.

Aka: I had terrible acne during puberty 1.0. Puberty T.0 is running about the same in terms of getting acne, but I’m able to manage it so much better because I’ve a) found a lotion I can apply to my face to help with the dryness and b) got a doctor to prescribe acne cream that actually helps. I’m having worse scalp problems now though, but working to manage them.

Facial Hair/Body Hair/Head Hair:

I started getting dark hairs on my chin first. It was within the first 3 months. It also coincided with the acne. Because my skin is so sensitive and the acne was so bad, I decided to use an electric razor since it doesn’t cut as close and tends to result in fewer nicks and cuts and ingrown hairs. I would not have been able to use a razor without cutting myself at the start. I also tend to react to shaving cream so the electric razor allowed me to not have to figure that aspect out too. I started off every few days, then every other day. Somewhere around 6 months I started needing to shave every day to keep the stubble away. If I have a few days off in a row I’ll skip the shaving so I can see what it looks like, but I shave clean if I have to work.

I’m not really sure when the body hair started growing. I noticed the leg hair on my thighs started growing in a little thicker and there was a bit more hair on my belly 4-5 months in (mostly because the bandaids from my shots started hurting when I pulled them off lol.) At 9 months I’ve noticed the hair on my arms and thighs has gotten darker and a little thicker, and my belly has gotten a lot more dark and thick hair, and there’s some chest hair appearing. I want to say somewhere around 6-7 months, I really started noticing the body hair and getting euphoric and happy about getting fuzzy. (Idk about lower leg hair since I frequently shave it due to wearing compression socks and finding them sensory hell and painful with leg hair.)

(Also got more hair on the butt and the butt crack, which was making getting clean after pooping during colitis flares difficult. Solution I’ve found is shaving/trimming that area (you know how it works with long-haired cats and dogs?) and using wet wipes if needed.)

One thing I did notice for both my facial hair and body hair, is that my skin would get mildly itchy the week or so before I started noticing more hair growing, and would continue for that first week or so + there tended to be some ingrown hairs during that stage. It was rather similar in feeling to what my underarms or legs feel like when I shave them and the hair starts to regrow. The itchiness is pretty mild for me so I didn’t really do anything about it.

The spot I inject the T got darker thicker hair first. And by spots I mean like the circle immediately around the injection sites was noticeably darker and hairier than the surrounding body part. It’s evened out on my thighs since my SubQ are in my belly, and the belly is starting to even out 9 months in.

Head hair. It’s started thinning up top right around my part, and on the sides of my temple. Really only noticed it starting at the 8 month mark. I’m currently in the process of trying to figure out if this is related to the scalp issues (since they can cause hair loss) and reversible, or the permanent slow march of time kind of balding. I really like having long hair. It’s fun. I haven’t cut my hair (which would improve my chances of passing as a guy or at least not getting consistently gendered as a girl) because I like my hair. I want to keep it. 

I know finasteride and minoxidil are both things that can be used to treat it. I’m hesitant to use finasteride since it blocks DHT and I want the effects of that more than I want to keep my long hair. I’m worried about minoxidil exacerbating my scalp problems and causing more hair loss. 

I’m contacting family to find out more information about family history of hair loss (including the ones where there were auto-immune skin conditions that caused it) and will talk with the doctors to figure out what the best option for me is.

I was a lot more anxious about the potential balding when I first noticed, but after a couple months to process it I’m not as alarmed as I was. If I do go bald though, I like the idea of getting tattoos. It’s also something that hopefully will be slow enough that I’m not gonna lose everything right away and can still enjoy having long hair for a while. But also you know the meme, if you can’t produce your own, store bought is fine. Wigs do exist.

Muscles, Fat, and the whole Musculoskeletal Shit

My timeline on this is a little blurry. Mostly because I’ve always built muscle easily and been rather buff just through having jobs that require some level of physical labor. I’ve also got hypermobile joints + low back pain from falling down stairs in 2019 + chest, rib, & shoulder pain from binder (haven’t been able to bind since pre-pandemic) and bra. So my focus on/awareness of physical ability was less on ease of strength and more on whether or not I had pain that made breathing/movement difficult. I’m going to guess it was easier to build muscle fairly early since I did notice some other changes that would track with things being affected.

So first thing I noticed was that my hips weren’t as prone to slipping out of place as usual and the days where they were painful decreased as well as the level of pain. It got to a point where I basically wasn’t having hip pain except around my period (pre-T the pain would get worse around my period, this is a continuation of the existing pattern). I’m not sure if I noticed this by 3 months, but I did by 6 Months. My guess is that the T strengthened the connective tissues and helped build muscle to hold everything in place. When I did a lot of walking and fatigued my leg muscles, the hip pain would get worse pre-T, but now I don’t really notice that at all 9 months in. If I get sore after movement, it doesn’t knock me out for several days. I still have to be careful about how I’m sitting and sleeping as the joints can still get knocked out of place that way. But also, the threshold for pain happening is much higher and I have fewer days of it. I’ve also only had to use my cane a handful of times since starting T.

My rib/chest pain got less severe at some point… I know I’m able to tolerate wearing my bra all day without feeling pain most of the time. That shift happened some time over the summer. So 3-6 months. (This was because my body finally managed to heal from the injuries from binding and the stress injury from using the deli slicer 2-4 hours a day at work in 2018.)

My back pain has kind of been figuring out what makes it worse and better. It’s gotten better overall over the past 9 months, but idk how much I can attribute that to T and how much is just figuring out what makes it worse and not doing that. 

I’ve also noticed a significant decrease in flexibility. To the point I can stretch muscles I’ve never been able to stretch before. I can stretch my muscles without hyperextending joints. I started to resume a lot of the stretching I stopped in 2018 because whatever support my joints now have is enough that I don’t risk being too bendy to hold them all in place. My hands basically don’t dislocate/sublux any more, and the pain in them is gone. My grip strength has never been better. I can open water bottles without fucking up my fingers. (Aka T has definitely helped with the hEDS.)

My skin has also gotten thicker and less prone to getting cuts. If you follow me, you probably saw the post I made about the changes on that, but basically, my skin is tougher. It doesn’t get cut up as easily and I don’t bleed as easily. My mouth doesn’t get cut up as much by rough foods like toast and cereal and brushing and flossing doesn’t cause bleeding and tearing (no gum health issues this is just hEDS stuff, although I also notice the sensitivity of my gums fluctuate with my period), I don’t get papercuts as easily, sewing is a lot less bloody. This has made it slightly harder to put the needle through my skin for the T injections, it used to go in completely painlessly but somewhere around 6 months it started pinching a bit.

I also have a little adam’s apple now! Which I wasn’t expecting since I’m nearly 30 and I figured things wouldn’t shift too much. I started noticing it grow 3 months in or so when I would touch my throat and it slowly got just a bit bigger. 9 months in there’s something visible in my throat when I talk or swallow, just a tiny visible bump but it’s more than it was before! It also tends to sit REALLY high in my throat, which I know is also part of the problem I have with my voice being high and strained. I have a couple vocal exercises that lower it and my voice and reduce strain. But also this was one of the things I wanted but was realistically not expecting to get so !!!

As far as muscle and fat (re)distribution and such, I noticed somewhere around 4-5 months that when I looked in the mirror after showering so a) i didn’t have my glasses on and things were hella blurry and b) the mirror was somewhat fogged, I had a more masculine look. When my hair covered my chest (it was waist length at that point) there was just enough shifting of things to look masc. (My boobs have gotten somewhat flatter/deflated. Around my period I definitely get a feeling that they’ve gotten bigger/swelled back up.) 

Body wise, my shoulders have always been broad, and the ratio of tiny waist to huge hips has always been a source of dysphoria for me. There’s nothing T is gonna do about the underlying bones, but I have noticed my hips and thighs slimming down somewhat / my waist filling out. It’s changed my silhouette away from the hourglass and into something more masculine. It’s helped greatly with my dysphoria when I see myself in the above sink/counter level mirrors. (Full body mirrors/reflections are still hello dysphoria hips.) 

My shoulders also got slightly broader, my neck thicker, and my feet got slightly larger. I know for sure around 5-6 months, as I pulled out my long-sleeves for winter and the ones that had been tight and with no stretch the previous year were too tight to wear comfortably. I also pulled out my performance clothes which I hadn’t worn since month 2 on T, and had to let out the collar on my bowtie by a solid inch and get new shoes as the previous ones were too tight (again I’m almost 30, my feet bones didn’t grow but I did have to go up a shoe size).  I had thought around 4-5 months that my neck was getting thicker since it didn’t look quite as stick-like. Around that time my face also started looking a little swollen around the jawline. It may have been puffiness or just things shifting around. I’m faceblind so I don’t know if my face has changed, just around that time looking at my face made me think the jaws looked a bit like my sister’s did a week after getting her wisdom teeth removed. Whatever puffiness I saw then, I don’t notice now though.

Idk if I’ve gained or lost weight since I don’t own a scale and don’t actually pay attention to that because it’s not actually important. Shrug emoji. 

Periods & Bottom Growth:

If you’ve read this far you’ve probably guessed my periods didn’t stop early this time. As I stated, the first attempt at T, they stopped three months in. My third period came two weeks early this time when I caught COVID. We increased my dose at 6 months because my periods hadn’t stopped. My 8th period happened a week late. This month for the 9th I’ve gotten some light cramping and joint pain (but another week or two will tell if it’s stopped).

I did notice by 6 months the pain/cramping and other things associated with my period were less. (The flow decreased somewhat and the cramps were less severe. I was able to still walk and function with the OTC pain meds, and I had to take fewer for a shorter time frame to get relief. My blood pressure didn’t tank as drastically, so I wasn’t at risk of passing out every time I stood up on the first few days of my cycle each month. I didn’t get chills and shaking. I still get increased acne, bloated, migraines, and my joints all get loose and painful.)

(Outside of my period, my POTS has also drastically improved. Around 7-8 months, all I really started to notice is the tachycardia. The blood pressure problems aren’t forcing me to sit down to avoid passing out, my low blood pressure migraines have mostly disappeared, and my heat intolerance has drastically decreased. The heatwave in 2018 is what ended up with me in the hospital. I made it through the heatwave this year without too much difficulty. I still get migraines when I get too hot, and get weak and exhausted, but I recover within a day rather than a week. My migraines have tons of triggers, but overall I’ve gotten fewer of them since starting T. The only trigger that’s increased in causing them is my low blood sugar.)

Bottom growth has happened!!! I was ambivalent to slightly apprehensive about this part prior to starting the last time, but discovered pretty quickly I was actually really on board with it. For a while this time I was worried starting/stopping/restarting T meant I wasn’t getting any this time around. But the past month or so (month 9) has given me indications it was just taking a while to happen (like my periods not stopping 3 months as previously). This time, I haven’t experienced much in the way of pain + too much sensitivity, but the sensitivity has really increased in the past couple weeks so that may start again as well.

Appetite & blood sugar :

The increased appetite has probably been my biggest most noticeable thing in my day to day life and the only thing that has actually caused me distress (as opposed to annoyance and irritation with the acne). I noticed pretty quickly an increase in my appetite. This brought back problems with my blood sugar just crashing (and tanking my blood pressure with it) that I’d had while growing up. I would also wake up hungry in the middle of the night. 3 Months in it was the biggest change I noticed. 

6 months in I was up to eating every two hours, waking up twice at night, and if I skipped one my body would get ravenously hungry and would have headache and shaking. But I was also getting more used to the routine so I got better about keeping food on me and my blood sugar didn’t crash as often/as severely. My grocery budget effectively doubled so that was yikes to my bank account. I also couldn’t get full or stay full. I was constantly hungry. Since I had a history of food insecurity as a kid, the constant feeling of hunger was distressing and started making my anxiety and ptsd get worse. 

(There is a link between testosterone levels and blood sugar. Most of the data is on cis men. But the little information packet that comes in the box of my testosterone vial includes: In diabetic patients, the metabolic effects of androgens may decrease blood glucose and therefore, insulin requirements. Presumably, the doctors know to monitor this with diabetic patients and to mention it to them. But also, a reminder to read all the paperwork you’re given because neither of my prescribers mentioned this aspect to me, even when I mentioned having problems with my blood sugar dropping.)

9 months in, my appetite has decreased to pre-T levels which also coincided with getting heart burn/acid reflux for a solid week and a half. I’d never had a problem with that before, but I was also eating/drinking and then immediately laying down (aka eating right before bed and a midnight snack) for like six solid months, which is a big clue to the cause. The biggest surprise there is that it took six months to become a problem. I’ve been mindful of staying upright after eating and after a few days the problem went away.

Dysphoria, Mental Health, Mood and Energy;

T has been fucking amazing. Like. It’s fantastic and I’m thriving and have never felt so stable and capable of handling life. I can’t attribute everything to T because I’ve done a lot of work on my own mental health and my living situation improving (moving away from abusive family, getting engaged with friends and community, fulfilling job) but its positive impact on my mental health and general mood is undeniable.

My dysphoria is so much less than it was before. I love my voice now, I am starting to remember what it feels like to be comfortable in my body. There’re still a bunch of things that are dysphoria inducing that will take more time or surgery (top, hysto, bottom) to change and relieve, (and when I am reminded about the dysphoria inducing things like boobs and people misgendering me as a girl, it feels terrible and I want to crawl out of my skin). But the entire experience of being on T has been a daily blessing of euphoria as everything happens. 

I used to joke that you knew trans people were really trans because who else would willingly go through puberty a second time. Puberty 1.0 had been soul destroying terrible. I hadn’t had a single positive experience from it. Everything about puberty 1.0 had made me hate my body more and the changes just kept getting worse. I couldn’t imagine anyone willingly going through that a second time. Somehow despite knowing I wanted all the changes T would cause, my brain didn’t make the connection that I’d like the process aka puberty 2.0. I’d figured I’d suffer through puberty again and in the end I’d have a body I liked and was comfortable in, so it’d be worth all the suffering of puberty.

I was terribly wonderfully wrong. The first time I was on T, I didn’t really notice a ton of changes, but even the small ones I did I liked. It wasn’t terrible. And then, I was off T and the strength of my desire to get back on T and go through those changes was a physical ache. The past 9 months have been full of joy and excitement. Every little change I’ve noticed has made me happy and been something I loved to find. (Barring the acne, and hunger, and potential hair loss.)

Puberty 2.0 is so powerfully positive for me. I love it, and it’s letting me love my body.

My mood is a lot more stable than it was. With my dysphoria lessened, I’m not constantly feeling shitty about that which overall helped my mood. I’m not as depressed (and when I am, it’s so much more mild than before). My mood tends to be either in a stable state or hypo/manic. But there’s no irritability or violence or any of those fear mongering things. T didn’t suddenly change me into the TERF and bio essentialist’s boogey man. T doesn’t change your personality. If you have anger issues on T, you likely had them before. (Also I really want to stress this because I saw warnings about T and bipolar disorder for years: T did not make me irritable or angry or violent. It hasn’t changed the profile of my mood disorder to include symptoms that were never present.)

(As for crying. I don’t cry out of frustration or anxiety as much--which is likely because my mental health has improved and I’m not pushed into those strong negative emotions as often. But I tear up just as easily when I see heartwarming news stories or videos of puppies or see something heartbreaking on the news. I haven’t been cut off from health emotion, or healthy crying.)

Energy wise, I have so much more energy than I did before. I’ve managed to wake up easily all winter rather than take an hour to drag myself out of bed every day. I can work a 12 hour shift, and/or not take a nap and be fine with 8 hours of sleep (or less) at night. I can run around and do things on my days off. I have enough energy to function. I don’t have to have an entire day off just to sleep (although I still enjoy a good afternoon nap and sleeping in). 

I don’t notice my energy level fluctuating with my shot (I do weekly injections to avoid my levels fluctuating and causing other things to do so as well), but I did notice my energy levels increased within the first month. But! There’s also a lot of other things going on that are affecting my improved energy levels. Some of this might be because I actually started taking a vitamin d supplement (and I definitely notice less energy when I forget it). The lessening of my dysphoria has freed up a lot of mental energy for other things, the lessening of my dysphoria has lessened my depression* which gives me more energy, the reduction in joint pain + other chronic pain means I’m not constantly having that low drain on my energy and resting better at night, and the reduction in POTS symptoms means I’m not having that massive daily drain on energy reserves.

(*I’ve noticed an increase in energy at my stable baseline, and an increase in the sustained energy while hypo/manic from my pre-T mood cycles without an associated increase in the severity of other symptoms. My depressive moods have reduced in length and severity because there aren’t as many things fucking triggering me during them (which can also be attributed to the better living conditions and social connections, since I noticed this prior to restarting T), but I also have an increased energy during them as well. Which all tracks with the physical conditions improving and no longer draining my energy as much.)

(I still notice when my blood sugar drops, I get my period, or I have an anxiety attack that my energy levels for the day drop accordingly. But I’m also quicker to bounce back to my new baseline. My anxiety has more or less stayed the same. Also randomly feeling tired has become a much more reliable migraine aura because now being tired tends to have an easily identifiable cause.)

As I mentioned in the appetite section, there has been some downsides to my mental health while on T. The constant hunger was triggering for me, but since I'm in a stable environment and have money for food, it’s something I’ve been able to work through. I’ve also experienced more nightmares since being on T, especially around when I first started and when my dose was increased (biggest changes in hormone levels). But the nightmares also increased in general, which I also want to attribute to having more energy while on T. Before T I had a tendency to be so utterly exhausted I didn’t dream and/or I woke up too frequently during the night due to joint pain/needing to reposition that I didn’t complete sleep cycles and wasn’t dreaming/having nightmares. (The biggest argument for this is also that I’m straight up actually having non-nightmare dreams now too. I rarely had dreams and/or remembered them before. I get them decently often now. Which is nice! Dreams can be fun! And weird. Dream logic does not make sense upon waking up.) 

“Passing” / How people perceive my gender / General Reception

Gender is a party and transitioning is the grab bag. I’m basically completely on board all the physical changes T is making to my body (bar the acne and the balding). Presentation wise, I lean heavier into the men’s clothing than the women’s and would prefer to be read as a guy rather than a girl if people gotta gender me, but I’m not a guy and not actually interested in passing as a guy. So I don’t put any effort into passing as a guy. Being my authentic self and transitioning into my nonbinary genderqueer gender basically means I do what I’m comfortable with and just vibe (until someone misgenders me and then I dark side dysphoria vibe). 

Basically for those keeping track: I have long hair, I shave clean (and wear a mask anyway), my boobs are still visible (can’t bind), my hips are still a thing, and my voice sounds mostly like I have a cold (lower but with girly customer service inflections). My chosen/legal name is still femme. I’m also 5ft/160cm and relatively small. I dress in men’s clothes for the most part. Strangers still assume I’m a girl. Even in trans friendly spaces I get she/her’ed by default. 

(I’m out to management at work but very few others. There’s been maybe one person who might have noticed something. Most people I interact with through work--if they notice anything-- notice my voice change. But all the comments I’ve gotten indicate they think I’ve strained my voice from singing, have a cold, or it’s related to my breathing problems. (I had to wear a mask/scarf outdoors before covid due to the cold making it impossible to breathe, same with smoke. Also I caught COVID right before my voice cracked so…))

As I said, I don’t bind and my hair is long and don’t try to pass as a guy, so it makes sense I won’t. I’m sure if I had short hair and didn’t have visible boobs the default gendering by strangers would shift to a different percentage of girl vs guy vs awkward pause as they guess. So if you’re wondering how long it’ll take you to pass as a guy or confuse everyone, I’m not gonna be too helpful. But if you were concerned about being able to hide being on T/keep your transition on the DL until you’re ready to come out, you can definitely do it, just come up with some excuse for your voice because people will notice that.

Congrats I guess if you’ve read this far. Hopefully this was helpful and/or informative. The TL;DR of it is that the bulk of the changes kicked in somewhere between 3-6 months and are gonna continue for another good while. It’s having a lot of positive effects on my various health conditions (POTS, hEDS, migraines). I’m having a blast with everything that’s happening and am delighted by puberty 2.0. The drawbacks are just kind of inconveniences (and aside from potential balding, seem entirely temporary) and are nothing compared to the overwhelming joy and euphoria of slowly getting to exist more comfortably in my skin.

if you've got questions, feel free to ask. Just know depending on the question and whether or not I even know who you are will influence if I answer it or block you.

tagging myself so i can reblog if i need to @owlsofstarlight

[crippledasinfuckyou]

Hi Stevie. I hope this is okay to ask as I wasn't sure where else to turn, or if there's other blogs suited to this sort of ask. I saw a post you reblogged about being chronically exhausted and struggling due to being exhausted all the time/with small tasks versus what's a normal amount of tired and realized I may have been living with something for a long time that I didn't know wasn't normal, but I didn't know who to ask for advice since the original poster has left Tumblr and most of the notes were just saying it wasn't normal to have all of them but not how to get help. I was going to seek out a doctor but didn't know what specialists to consult as I've dealt with so many doctors who say my health problems are in my head or "you're too young to have this" only to go through years of testing and FINALLY find the thing that's wrong on some tiny test or other that they didn't think/want to try.

Since this chronic exhaustion crap is ruining my life as it gets worse I don't want to wait years and years to even potentially be heard/get help that isn't being told it's fake or just being told to get even more sleep. I'm losing emotional support of people in my life who think it's laziness or me "not trying" when really it's exhausting and takes a couple hours just to get up and moving at the start of a day much less anything else. Sorry to send such a long ask when I know it's probably a lot and I hope you're having a nice day, thank you for running this blog!

Hi, im sorry this took forever to get to. I know exactly what you're going through and i know how much it sucks.

I dont know if youre looking for advice or just venting, so if you're just venting- I'm here. I know the pain and I will always be willing to listen- If you'd like a quicker response than I give to asks, message me here or on my main @turnaboutstevie, I will always answer DMs asap.

If you're looking for advice, I'll put it below the cut:

One thing I learned, both from my appointments and from my time as a carer is that doctors are more likely to get off their asses and do something useful if you have someone with you when you ask them to. Another person can back you up, can corroborate what was said in the appointment and can help you to complain. Take a friend, family member, someone from a local disability group or even ask the surgery for a chaperone. You are in safer hands if you're not alone.

Secondly, write EVERYTHING down. write what you want to say and what you are experiencing before you go in. Keep a symptoms diary if you can. In the appointment write down what you say, what your doctor says, what treatment course is mentioned etc. Try to get it exact as you can. It is much easier to keep your head if you have what you want to say in front of you, and much easier to push back or lodge a complaint when you have what is said in writing. If they say theyre going to refer you somewhere, ask them to send you a copy of the referral letter. By email or post, it doesnt matter. Just keep it safe. If they refuse, make sure you get in writing why they are refusing to share the details of your care with you. That's information you have a right to. Document EVERYTHING, so that you're never left either not sure you remembered correctly- or in the worst case where you need to complain, without evidence.

Similarly, ask for an explanation for everything. If you're given a reason why you can't be experiencing it, ask for an elaboration. Write it down. If they choose not to test, ask why. Write it down. If they are testing, ask what they think the tests will help detect. Write it down. If they refer you, ask who to and how they might be able to help. And yes, write it down. Understanding exactly what is happening in terms of your care will help you pinpoint things that aren't helping. If they run a blood test and it shows nothing and next time you bring it up they say they'll blood test, its way easier to explain why you don't want another one if you know why you had the first. Many doctors are unfortunately, shit, and will try to do the bare minimum and pull the wool over your eyes to shut you up. Don't let them.

Finally- if they aren't helping, ask for someone else. Most doctors surgeries will have a staff page on their site, listing credentials and specialties. See if there is anyone at your surgery who specialises in what you're going through and ask to see them. Hell, change surgeries if you have to. You can always ask for better care or a better doctor- its YOUR health. Not theirs. You are in charge.

[thomascarterpd]

Finding the Right Path Through Study and Work – Sophie's Story

Sophie, an adult with cerebral palsy, shares her story about navigating the challenges of tertiary education and finding a rewarding profession

Year 12 often represents a pivotal transition in someone’s life as they leave school and go onto further education, employment, or other pathways. As a young person with cerebral palsy, I reflect back on this time, nine years later, and I remember feelings of excitement and curiosity but also more nerves and anxiety. This was largely due to the fact that my post school life didn’t have a clear and linear path.

In Year 10, as part of the curriculum in NSW every student is required to participate in a week of work experience. In my case, I felt that my options were extremely limited because while my peers were working in hairdressers, vets, and cafes, I knew due to my physical limitations that these jobs were not going to be practical for me. My mum and I reached out to the Cerebral Palsy Alliance, an organisation that I had been affiliated with all my life. Some people reading this may argue that this was an easy option, and maybe at the time, it was.

From that moment forward I knew that I wanted to work in the disability sector in some capacity.

Fast forward to the last couple of months of year 12 where my head is buried in books trying to retain information that I would forget as soon as the ‘pencils are down’. At this time, I am also juggling many specialist appointments which are exhausting to say the least. Especially when I’m having to undergo rigorous standardised testing to prove the special provisions that I would need to complete the HSC on an equal basis. But amidst all this, I’m also trying to figure out the next chapter.

As part of every students’ departure from schooling life, they and their parent/guardian are required to have a meeting with the Careers Advisor. I remember sitting in the office and the advisor asked if I had any thoughts about my future possibilities and I replied: “I’m looking at social work at uni, but I’m unsure if I can do it because of a key part of the degree is to complete 1000 hours of placement over the 4 year degree”, my mum added “having been to a few uni open days, I am worried that Soph will not get the support she needs whilst being considered a number in such a big place”.

The Careers Advisor looked at both of us and said “have you considered TAFE?”. I must admit, I hadn’t really thought of TAFE as an option. Whether this was because it wasn’t largely advertised or spoken about as a post-school option or, because all I heard amongst my peers was: “what university open day have you been to?”, “what courses are you going to apply for?”. Given this was the conversation that was happening around me, there was a seemingly unspoken pressure or assumption that university was the most prestigious path to take. If you didn’t go to uni, you weren’t going to succeed and you were going to fall behind.

As one door closed, it was time to look forward to the next chapter.

TAFE started in January 2016 and I enrolled in a Certificate IV of Community Services. The worries we had in terms of me being a number in the university system quickly faded. Smaller classes were a reality and in this space I began to find myself and have my voice heard. TAFE allowed me to have meaningful relationships with my peers rather than meeting someone in one class with no guarantee that you would see them again the following semester. TAFE was different. My entire cohort stayed together for the 12-month course and many of us went on to do the Diploma of Community Services the following year.

Both these courses allowed me to slowly take more independent steps in a supportive environment and I witnessed my confidence grow and my anxiety around new situations fade. During this time I also had the support of a Youth Coach who also happened to have lived experience of cerebral palsy. As a young person who was trying to find her feet in the big wide world, I can’t tell you just how invaluable this support was. My Youth Coach was able to pass on the skills and knowledge she had as another person with cerebral palsy.

I was even given the opportunity to learn how to book my own ski holiday for my family. While these skills might seem like common sense to some, these life skills were neglected due to me trying to manage my appointments as well as my fatigue levels during my schooling years. TAFE gave me so much more than a University education ever could and I can say this with confidence because I have attended both institutions, but I will address my university experience in due course.

Throughout my 2 years at TAFE I completed 240 hours of work placement in the disability sector in a variety of roles. This gave me a further taste into the workforce, cementing my passion for the disability sector. TAFE saw me go from a shy teenager to a confident young adult who wanted to secure her first permanent part-time role within the sector. The following year I was successful in achieving my goal when I landed my first role as an administrator for Hireup, a company that aims to give back choice and control to participants in the support that they receive.

The friendships that I built at Hireup were very important to me as many of my colleagues shared the same passion and interests, some also having lived experience of disability. I stayed in this role for 18 months before moving across to their sister organisation called Fighting Chance. I started in this role as a Learning Coordinator and this is where I would stay for the next 3 and a half years. If I didn’t already have enough on my plate, I decided to go to university to complete a Bachelor of Inclusive Education and Disability Studies.

My university experience taught me resilience and the power of my own voice. I remember on my first day of university I was sitting in a big lecture theatre and I had a flashback to what my careers advisor had stated to me those 4 years ago and the comment that was made around me being a number. I definitely did feel this, there was no-one checking in to make sure that I had the support necessary, instead that was all up to me. I soon had the realisation that from this moment forward I could no longer rely on someone else to advocate for me on my behalf. This was an important realisation that I needed to have and something that I carry with me to this day: If I want something to change, no one else is going to do it for me.

Keeping up with the university workload was definitely tough as I had to dictate all of my assignments to my support worker or exam supervisor. Given that this is not a skill that comes naturally to most people, this was incredibly time consuming and fatiguing. Although I thoroughly enjoyed university, for me personally, I am glad that I took the stepping stones that I did up until this point. By the end of my university degree in 2022, I was definitely ready to see the back of assignments and exams. Having been at Fighting Chance now for 3-and-a-half years, I was also looking for my next career move.

Read the full article to know more about Finding the Right Path Through Study and Work — Sophie’s Story

[katherinemathew]

Finding the Right Path Through Study and Work – Sophie's Story

Sophie, an adult with cerebral palsy, shares her story about navigating the challenges of tertiary education and finding a rewarding profession

Year 12 often represents a pivotal transition in someone’s life as they leave school and go onto further education, employment, or other pathways. As a young person with cerebral palsy, I reflect back on this time, nine years later, and I remember feelings of excitement and curiosity but also more nerves and anxiety. This was largely due to the fact that my post school life didn’t have a clear and linear path.

In Year 10, as part of the curriculum in NSW every student is required to participate in a week of work experience. In my case, I felt that my options were extremely limited because while my peers were working in hairdressers, vets, and cafes, I knew due to my physical limitations that these jobs were not going to be practical for me. My mum and I reached out to the Cerebral Palsy Alliance, an organisation that I had been affiliated with all my life. Some people reading this may argue that this was an easy option, and maybe at the time, it was.

From that moment forward I knew that I wanted to work in the disability sector in some capacity.

Fast forward to the last couple of months of year 12 where my head is buried in books trying to retain information that I would forget as soon as the ‘pencils are down’. At this time, I am also juggling many specialist appointments which are exhausting to say the least. Especially when I’m having to undergo rigorous standardised testing to prove the special provisions that I would need to complete the HSC on an equal basis. But amidst all this, I’m also trying to figure out the next chapter.

As part of every students’ departure from schooling life, they and their parent/guardian are required to have a meeting with the Careers Advisor. I remember sitting in the office and the advisor asked if I had any thoughts about my future possibilities and I replied: “I’m looking at social work at uni, but I’m unsure if I can do it because of a key part of the degree is to complete 1000 hours of placement over the 4 year degree”, my mum added “having been to a few uni open days, I am worried that Soph will not get the support she needs whilst being considered a number in such a big place”.

The Careers Advisor looked at both of us and said “have you considered TAFE?”. I must admit, I hadn’t really thought of TAFE as an option. Whether this was because it wasn’t largely advertised or spoken about as a post-school option or, because all I heard amongst my peers was: “what university open day have you been to?”, “what courses are you going to apply for?”. Given this was the conversation that was happening around me, there was a seemingly unspoken pressure or assumption that university was the most prestigious path to take. If you didn’t go to uni, you weren’t going to succeed and you were going to fall behind.

As one door closed, it was time to look forward to the next chapter.

TAFE started in January 2016 and I enrolled in a Certificate IV of Community Services. The worries we had in terms of me being a number in the university system quickly faded. Smaller classes were a reality and in this space I began to find myself and have my voice heard. TAFE allowed me to have meaningful relationships with my peers rather than meeting someone in one class with no guarantee that you would see them again the following semester. TAFE was different. My entire cohort stayed together for the 12-month course and many of us went on to do the Diploma of Community Services the following year.

Both these courses allowed me to slowly take more independent steps in a supportive environment and I witnessed my confidence grow and my anxiety around new situations fade. During this time I also had the support of a Youth Coach who also happened to have lived experience of cerebral palsy. As a young person who was trying to find her feet in the big wide world, I can’t tell you just how invaluable this support was. My Youth Coach was able to pass on the skills and knowledge she had as another person with cerebral palsy.

Read the full article to know more about Finding the Right Path Through Study and Work — Sophie’s Story

#cp #mycpguide #cerebralpalsysupport #cerebralpalsyresources

[la-principessa-nuova]

I keep writing long posts about my struggles deciding how/when to schedule my HRT appointment, deciding that they’re TMI and saving them as drafts, then trying again to say it shorter and failing.

But basically my options are:

Schedule a physical in late August (or early September with a doctor with “LGBTQ+ training”), ask for a referral to an endocrinologist, go from there

Overcome some executive function challenges to talk to someone there and find out if I can get a sooner appointment given I want to bring this up, or if maybe I can get a referral to endocrinology without an appointment somehow.

Fuck all that BS and get an appointment at Planned Parenthood tomorrow, but my parents will probably find out I had some sort of doctor’s appointment and ask about it.

Schedule an appointment at PP the week after next and be able to talk with my therapist about it first, knowing I can cancel if I decide to go the traditional route, but my parents will know I went somewhere and ask about it.

And keep in mind that for some reason I’m incapable of lying to my parents and so if they ask, I will either need to say something that is at least technically true and hope I can be convincing of it and that they don’t pry further, or else I will probably just shut down and not respond. Otherwise this would be a very easy decision.

This is one of those cases where being neurodivergent makes me feel so pathetic because I am in a situation that most trans people would kill for, to have multiple options for legally getting HRT that both use informed consent and can be obtained within a few months, one of them within a couple days, and the only thing standing between me and that is tasks that most people consider incredibly basic and easy.

And this is why anyone who says that putting a label on neurodivergence isn’t helpful has no idea what they’re talking about. Knowing that these are normal struggles for people with Autism and ADHD makes it so much easier to get through these feelings. Like right now I am pacing around on my lunch break, venting about this on Tumblr, feeling a little teary-eyed to share this, but overall mostly just hungry and tired as per usual.

But if I still didn’t know, like I didn’t a couple years ago, I would be lying face-down on my bed, crying right now, feeling that deep, painful, sinking feeling in my chest.

Right now, I am working up the nerve to push through and do the things I’m struggling to execute on because I know they’re important, and I know that sometimes I just have to do that and it’s worth the effort. Back then, I would be so sad about the fact that I am the only person who can’t handle these basic tasks that they would become even harder and I would be in no position to do them.

Anyway, all this to say, while I’m mostly just venting, if anyone has any advice in terms of which of the 4 options above I should go with, feel free to share.

[thehappilyeverafter]

6/26/23 Cold War: Part 2

Background

A couple months ago, I entered another cold war (perhaps inappropriately named) with mama. This post attempts to document the context, e.g. my justification, for posteriority; I find that I'm not actually able to remember quite why the first one occurred years ago. I only remember the arguing loudly with her and strong feelings of frustration in Portland, after an already infuriating conversation with my dad.

What Happened

My mom cracked her phone a few months ago in early April 2023. She ended up going to the Apple store to get it repaired on April 7. She called me twice around 12:12 pm because the Apple employee needs access to the iPhone/her Apple ID account. However, I don't pick up because I'm napping.

I call her back when I do see the two missed called at 1:20 pm. However, this call goes straight to voicemail. I text her "Sorry I had a meeting" to excuse my missed calls. But I'm not too worried about her situation. I received emails that her Apple ID password is reset, so I surmise that the employee was able to resolve the issue and that the phone is likely under repair at the moment. I also received an email containing information about the repair appointment and estimated pick up time of 2:15 pm. Consequently, I decide that everything is fine and I will just call her afterward to apologize for missing her calls.

I call her at 4:10 pm and received no answer. I called her again at 6:55 pm and still no answer. I call her the next day on April 8, Saturday at 5:08 pm and still no answer. I believe I also asked my sister to try calling her and that that was unsuccessful as well. I call her again on April 9 at 3:18 pm and still no answer. Finally, I text her at 3:19 pm asking her if she's receiving my calls but receive no response. I suspect she is intentionally ignoring me, but I want to be absolutely certain before instigating an argument. I ask Uncle Kenny to call her to confirm she's OK. He gets back to me indicating that he was able to successfully call her and talk to her and that she's fine. I have my confirmation.

Finally, at 9:52 pm on Sunday April 9, she texts me "Call me". I call her at 10:12 pm and we have a 10 minute argument. It turns out that my suspicions were correct; she has been intentionally ignoring my calls as some form of retribution for me missing her two calls on Friday. During the phone call, I had the impression she was ready to move on (after all, she did ignore me for 2 days), but I wasn't. I told her that missing two phone calls did not justify her behavior toward me and that I wanted an apology. She didn't understand that I had been privy to the repair information via emails e.g. it's success despite my inaction and its specific times. She did not understand why I was so upset or why I felt that she was wrong and that I deserved an apology. Ultimately, I told her I wasn't going home that Friday April 14 as originally planned. She said "Fine!". And we hung up.

Fallout

We haven't talked since that phone call on April 9. It's been around 2 and half months since. My dad texted me recently (while I was flying back from NYC for AddeConf) on June 23 about how my sister and I shouldn't mistreat/ignore my mom and that we're all she has. And I understand that. But I texted back "It's her choice. She never called me".

The intentional rejection of my phone calls as retribution for the accidental rejection of her phone calls is childish and abusive. I was worried the whole weekend and considered the possibility that something had happened to her. And I'm not being malicious or difficult in my reaction. I simply ask for an apology. And she can't even be bothered to provide that. Despite her devotion to raising me and my sister, I won't tolerate disrespect, even from her. Rather than lift us up and inspire us as a parent, she chooses to play these psychologically manipulative, exhausting games.

Additionally, the fact that this is the second cold war fuels my resolution to continue this standoff. It has soured my opinion of my mom and what I think our relationship. She clearly is immature, stubborn, and short-sighted. There are also clear limitations to her compassion/love if she is willing to ignore me and enter into cold wars so easily rather simply reflect apologize.

I do feel guilty when I reflect on how my mom is living her life without her children visiting as often. However, as I told my dad, it's her choice and she can resolve things easily. For now, I will continue forward on this path.

[look-at-the-soul]

If I let you go - Cillian Murphy x reader

One shot

Master list

A/N: So, I finally got this out of my soul ☺️ this is something like a parallel to The Photoshoot (but with a twist) you’ll find another note in the end from me 😉 because I don’t want to ruin the fun for you! Also if you don’t follow that story don’t worry it’s nothing related

✨ The beginning of the story it’s like “present time” then you will find a flashback to their story -don’t worry I marked where it starts and where it ends everything in italics- and the last part is back to present time following right before where the flashback started.

I used the If I let you go song by Westlife for inspiration (this live version is amazing!)

On that Sunday morning you couldn’t believe the pregnancy test over the counter came back as positive.

This couldn’t be happening!

Rushing to the clinic that a friend of yours owned, you asked her to run the ultrasound as soon as possible to confirm it.

Eleven weeks and a half, she had announced.

You had only been with Cillian officially for a month, met him the previous one, Mar made you go date after date for two weeks before that.

But now something bigger than you was growing inside your belly.

You heard the heartbeat!

Your plans, your dreams, everything became less important now, you were carrying a new life inside of you regardless of the situation and circumstances.

It took you some time to process the news, staying in complete silence, your friend offered a comforting hand when you needed it the most. You even had a some wine during the dates! Not knowing you were pregnant, how irresponsible! Even though your friend and now gynecologist too assured you the baby was healthy and perfect, you had a million questions, you never skipped your period, how would you tell your parents?

She scheduled another appointment in a couple of days to run more tests and give you important indications given the unplanned pregnancy.

But you drove back home with only one thing in mind.

How would you tell Cillian?

First you ignored his call as you arrived, then his messages asking if you wanted to have lunch at his place, then Marissa’s messages started clogging your phone asking if you were alright and that Cillian called her to see if she knew anything, it was almost noon now.

Ignoring both, you went to take a warm bath, trying to let the news sink in, checking yourself in the mirror your hands moved down to your still flat stomach. You were carrying a baby in there!

George and you broke up in bad terms, hurting each other so much, love was no longer a priority, but you always knew you wanted to be a mother, at some point you visited a fertility clinic to ask information about sperm donors, but as Marissa heard that, she started setting you up in several dates to help you change your mind, she was convinced you would actually find someone good to have everything you wanted.

That’s when Cillian came along and changed everything you believed in.

But your relationship was only starting, you just began sleeping together, you didn’t even know his family, he had met yours once… nevertheless, you wouldn’t lie to him about the baby.

The silence of your mind and flat was interrupted by his voice calling for you from the door, knocking several times.

“I was deadly worried about you, Y/N. Thought something bad happened.”

“Well, that depends of the point of view.”

“You’re scaring me, why didn’t you answer the phone?” He looked at your pale skin, there were worried lines all over your face.

You asked him to sit down without looking into his eyes.

“I’m pregnant, Cillian.” You finally blurted out, terrified of his reaction. “And it’s obviously not yours because we just started sleeping together this weekend.”

There, you said it after he asked you why you weren’t answering his calls or messages, thinking he did something wrong or disrespected you over the first night you spent together.

It was your ex-boyfriend’s baby, after being together for six years, that relationship could only end up in a breakup, and it was better late than ever.

But just as you decided to start officially a relationship with Cillian after weeks of dating, you bought a pregnancy test at the pharmacy that morning. And the result of it would probably change everything between you.

***

(Flashback)

“You didn’t have to go into all this trouble just to get me another date.”

“No trouble at all, it’s a shame you felt bad in the middle of my birthday celebration last week, you would’ve met him there, he arrived just after you left.” Mar stormed into your walk in closet as if it was hers.

“In case you didn’t notice, there was a hit of sarcasm.”

She ignored you completely on purpose, focused on helping you get ready for the date in which she set you up.

“Just meet him, smile a little bit, have a chat… it’s not so hard Y/N.” Marissa, your best friend pleaded while walking back with a couple of options for you to wear.

“That’s what you said in the last eight times you set me up with someone, you’ve a terrible taste in men.” In the men she introduced you to at least, because Ian, her boyfriend was the perfect match for her.

“This one is different, I promise you.”

Checking over your shoes, she picked some nude stilettos.

“Hmm.”

“A little cheering would make you seem more attractive you know?”

Sighting, you decided to do your own make up, if you let your friend do it, she would hang a for sale sign around your neck. And besides, your tastes were so different.

“I could write a book of all the terrible and ridiculous stories I’ve heard from all your candidates, you know what, Mar?” You started to change your clothes into the ones she picked. “I could actually make a lot of money if I ever decide to write a book with advice for women going out on set up dates by their best friends with the most pathetic men out there.”

“It was only one mistake, you’re exaggerating things.”

“Hugh called his mother to ask what he should have for dinner!” You stated. “Should I also remind you that Paul was a complete knob and rude to the poor waitress?”

“Paul was going through a rough day.”

The list could go on. “And what about-”

Marissa interrupted you. “Alright, I get it you don’t have to rub it in my face. I was just trying to help you see the fishes in the sea.”

“What if I’m allergic to sea food?”

“Stop! Just go to this freaking date.” She was losing her patience.

“Jesus, calm down…” You looked at her through the mirror.

“I promise you this is the perfect match for you.”

“You shouldn’t try so hard, I probably have a bad-luck spell on love.” Or very high expectations for the matter.

Marissa preferred to call you picky. Nevertheless, she drove you to the pub you chose and left chirping excitedly wishing you to have fun. Telling your name, you were guided to a booth close to the wall, not a lot of people around.

Trying to not create high expectations about this date, you decided to ask the only question that really mattered.

“Is he a good man?”

The smile she gave you, sent shivers down your spine.

***

“Y/N?” The man asked getting up to greet you.

The first thing you noticed was his smile, the corners of his lips lifting up.

It was inviting and warm, making you feel at home instantly.

“Yes.” You nodded smiling back.

“Marissa has been talking a lot about you, I’m Cillian.”

Mentally, you thanked your best friend for encouraging you to use your favorite perfume, because you noticed the little instant when he took a deep breath while kissing your cheek.

“She’s been talking about you as well.”

“Only the good things, I hope.” The smile reached his eyes and he asked what you wanted to drink.

The night went surprisingly smooth, you had an incredible endless chat, never stopping because of weird moments of silence, all the contrary, you easily engaged over one topic and another, he was such an interesting man and listened to you intensely, he was really engaged in conversation.

You both agreed on even asking for some appetizers to share.

You learned he had divorced a couple of years ago, no unnecessary drama, no kids, no hard feelings and he listened to you when you told him about your recent breakup after a very long relationship.

“Before the night ends, would it be okay if I want to see you again, Y/N?”

You played with your hair a little in a nervous reaction.

“I’d like that.” You couldn’t stop the words, you were captivated by him, the rest of the world disappeared.

He was equally into you, grateful that you had a light character, he was lost in your eyes and smile.

“Where have you been all this time?” He asked while his thumb toyed around his glass.

“Making bad decisions.” You chuckled a little.

He gave you again that smile. “I hope this isn’t cataloged as a bad one.”

“No, I’ll actually thank Mar for this.”

“I’m curious, why did you choose this pub?” He leaned forward as if waiting for you to share a secret.

“Well, Mar has been setting me up in several da-thons, you know for date and marath-”

He laughed and clapped at your made-up word. “I got it.” Slowly, he ran his fingers through his locks.

“And I don’t feel comfortable when I try to split the bill for the food and the guy doesn’t want to, also the waitress just keeps coming in to interrupt the conversation, if the date goes wrong you just have a drink and go home or you stay until they turn on the lights…”

“That’s fascinating, which is actually what’s about to happen by the way.” Cillian pointed at the tables around them, the chairs were already up. “So can I call this a successful date if you didn’t ran after the first drink?”

“This is actually danger at its finest.” You had a feeling that Marissa’s matchmaker skills would no longer be necessary. “I made a lot of mistakes in the past, I’d like to take things slow this time though.”

Your legs brushed under the table. When did he place his arm on the top your chair? Behind your back.

“I’ll be a gentleman.” He gave you a small wink and looked intensely into your eyes, he was talking from the heart, you not only had caught his eye, you had his undivided attention, he wanted to know more about you.

All about you actually. “But I’m not splitting the bill for the record.” He added then.

“But-” You started to protest.

“No buts, this is not negotiable, but we can discuss it over dinner whenever you can.”

“Cillian.” You tried to reason with him once you walked out of the pub.

Lifting his hand to interrupt you again, he added: “The only thing I’m splitting with you is dessert.”

You then negotiated to buy him a coffee at least. Which he accepted as an excuse to see you in the next couple of days before you two reached the door of the pub, realizing that time went by in a blink, it was dark now, everything was so quiet. Cillian wanted to make sure you made it safe back to your place, that’s why he insisted on sharing an uber, he’d take you home first, then he would go to his.

“Marissa drove me, she wanted to make sure I wouldn’t run away.” You chuckled.

“How did you meet her?”

“In high school, we became best friends instantly, what about you?”

Even in the dark of the car, you could see him smirking. “So… she knows all the juicy secrets, I might give her call later.”

“You can’t do that!”

When he laughed, you loved the sound of it, it was a deep loud hearty laughter. “Don’t worry I won’t,” he winked again. “We met while I was filming a voice commercial, like around five years ago and we’ve made a couple of collaborations since then.”

That night he behaved like a true gentleman, he wanted to respect your own time and pace and you felt incredibly grateful for that.

But also you were feeling a bit flirty so you placed our hands on his shoulders and kissed him goodbye right in the corner of his lips.

No on his cheek, not fully on the mouth, just a little tease.

“You better go inside if you want me to take this slow.” He warned you in a whisper.

***

The following day you went out with him for the coffee you promised and again, the two of you shared the most fascinating talk; you learning more about his career, he about yours. It felt like catching up with a long-time friend, but you keep noticing the way his eyes moved down to your lips every now and then.

Your friend called at least ten times already, she wanted to know everything about your date and she even called Cillian as well, both of you decided to ignore the messages and calls, but you could picture Mar stomping her foot and pacing around the room going crazy to hear everything about the date. She was probably outside your place now.

Walking with you to your car, Cillian smiled pleased with himself, you already said yes to join him to the Radiohead concert next weekend.

“What? Is Mar bombarding you with messages again?”

“Nothing.” But he kept smiling.

In response you arched your eyebrow, you needed to leave or you would be late.

“Well… see you on Saturday.” As you moved to kiss him goodbye, he surprised you by turning his head to his right and instead of kissing his cheek, your lips ended up pressing together for an instant.

It was just a peck, but you when you saw him smiling the way he did, you knew he moved his head on purpose!

“It was my turn to leave you wanting for more.” And with that, he walked away.

Texting back and forth, long calls once you arrived home and between breaks from work quickly became a regular in the course of the following days.

You could still feel Cillian’s lips against yours.

After the concert, there was another date and another one, a walk around the park with his dog, a quick trip to get your computer to the repair store because you dropped water over it, the two of you spend a lot of time together, teasing each other, Marissa demanded a detailed summary of each date and even suggested a double date to celebrate, which you politely delayed for some weeks. Sometimes she seemed more excited about it than you, but you knew that was her personality.

Cillian had taken seriously your request to take things slowly, he didn’t demand anything, never tried to push you to do something, but there was a point when in the middle of a random conversation you noticed he wasn’t paying attention at all.

“So it’s okay if I do that?” You tried him.

“Hmm.” He nodded and you didn’t even say anything specific.

“Am I boring you?”

He snapped out immediately from dreamland, he had been fantasying about your lips for a while.

“What? No! Sorry I was just miles away.” He suddenly looked away from you.

“Is everything alright?”

Cillian pouted. “I was just thinking how it’s been great getting to know you like this, Y/N… but truth is I need more, I want to make this official.” He pointed at the space between the two of you. “And we can take this as slow as you want, but I want to know that we’re both willing to do anything to give this a try.” He took the glass of wine from your hand and went back to look into your eyes. “I don’t want to you to feel any pressure, but-”

“I want the same thing, Cillian.” You confirmed him, taking his hand. “And I also want to thank you for following my pace and-”

But he stopped your words as he held your head and brought his lips to yours in a proper kiss, then dropping feather-like kisses all over your face you felt happier than ever.

Pulling away after a while you couldn’t stop the smile decorating your face, both were unable to find the right words so you let your lips do the talking and pulled him close for another one.

***

For some weeks he kept his promise to respect your time, until one night you finally gave in into the desire that had been building since the beginning.

After having diner in his place, he suggested you choose a movie, but it wasn’t really interesting and your bodies were already close, one side look turned into a smile, and the smile became a kiss, then hands started to move around, everywhere, until clothes hindered you and he ended guiding you to his bedroom. Soon you were under his body, moaning his name, feeling like you could explode from the pleasure any minute.

Enjoying every move, every touch until you couldn’t take it anymore. After reaching his own release and barely after a couple of minutes from pulling out from your body, you went again for another round.

It was a dream, finding him at the right time, at the best moment of your life.

He made you feel happy, safe, always in a cheerful mood, he made your life easier and you also loved that he was a good listener, you loved every time he showed you the new book he bought or a film that no one else would watch.

Cillian made you believe in love again.

(End of flashback)

There was a heavy silence after you told him the news of your pregnancy and that the father was George, your ex boyfriend. Oh, and why not? That you were keeping the baby.

“I know everything seems so confusing right now, but I didn’t cheat on you, I got pregnant, we broke up and then I met you, that’s the short version of the story.”

He remained in silence, his elbows resting over his knees, his face between his hands.

“I’m sorry this is happening, the last thing I want is to hurt you, but I hope you understand my priorities are different now, damn everything is different now! I’m really sorry.”

You didn’t want to let go of the best of your life, but you couldn’t ask him to stay with you either. You were pregnant with someone else’s baby after all.

“Hopefully one day, you’ll forgive me… either way I want to thank you for giving me back all the things I didn’t know I was missing.” You swallowed hard.

Cillian felt like throwing up. The blood running down his body. This wasn’t what he was expecting when he knocked on your door.

Looking at you, he only found that the words wouldn’t come out.

He needed fresh air, needed a fucking drink.

Taking his keys, he walked out without another word and you knew that was it, that was the end of your love story.

The heartache was nothing you felt before, the man of your life just slipped from you. Walking towards the couch where he previously was sitting, your wrapped your body in the blue jacket he left, it smelled like him and it was still warm. This was the hardest you had ever done in your life and you weren’t sure you could even try to forget him, because even though you had met him for a short period of time, it felt like a lifetime.

***

The following morning Scout brought him the stick he was playing with but Cillian didn’t even pay attention.

Your words had been playing in the back of his mind like a song you can’t get rid of.

But this wasn’t a song, this was life fucking up his plans. He remembered the first time he said I love you, exactly on this spot of the beach after you decided to make your relationship official, it took you a couple of days to say it back, he knew you had your own times and he had promised to not rush you into anything.

But a baby with your ex boyfriend? That was major words.

He knew he loved you, you were funny and he loved he was able to be himself around you, but raising a baby was a completely different thing.

You could have easily fool him if you wanted to, just needed to lie about the timing, but you weren’t like that, that’s why you tried to avoid him most part of the day, he could only imagine how hard it must’ve been for you to open up to him.

Should he just move on and leave you behind? A million possibilities crossed his mind.

Closing his eyes, he allowed the waves crashing down to help him free his mind from all the questions he had, but as he did it, he could only see you smiling back at him.

Was he ready to go on with his life without you in it?

Did he really want to let you go?

Day after day Time pass away And I just can't get you off my mind Nobody knows I hide it inside I keep on searching, but I can't find The courage to show to letting you know I've never felt so much love before And once again I'm thinking about Taking the easy way out But if I let you go, I will never know What my life would be holding you close to me Will I ever see you smiling back at me? (Oh yeah) how will I know if I let you go? Night after night I hear my self say Why can't this feeling just fade away? There's no one like you, you speak to my heart

Knocking desperately on your door, he was growing impatient as there was no answer. Maybe you were at work, he tried calling to your cellphone but it was turned off. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Perhaps you went to Mar’s house, he would drive there, turning around he was about to go when you opened the door.

“Cillian?”

His heart stopped beating at the sight of you; your hair was a mess, there were bags under your eyes and your forehead and cheeks were red as if you had been crying. But he didn’t care, to him you were the most beautiful person in the world.

“I’m sorry I walked out like that.” He kissed you softly on the lips. “I didn’t know what to say.” Another kiss. “Didn’t mean to upset you, I love you.” He kissed you one more time.

“But-” You were confused, your mind was foggy from your sleep after getting up early to throw up.

“Let me tell you this… I got scared at first, but I want us to fight for this, baby included.”

Your eyes went wide open. “Cillian.”

“Listen to me, from the moment I saw you, I knew we would be together and we’ll do everything the way you want to, but I want to be involved, I want to be part of this baby’s life, part of yours, if you want to, we can raise him or her together, and it’ll be alright.”

Now you were the one unable to speak, he was giving you things you didn’t even ask for.

“Are you going to raise someone else’s baby?” You voice broke a little.

“No, I’m raising my baby with you, because I love you and I will love that little one as my own.” You could see that he had been crying too. “It seems like we aren’t taking things slow after all, but that’s just part of life, no matter what, but you’re not alone Y/N.”

“Did you tell Mar yet?” He started calling her that recently after listening to you. You shook your head. “Good, then you can either tell the truth or that the baby is mine, that’s your call.”

His thumbs wiped away the tears that had been falling on your cheeks.

“Are you sure of what you’re saying?” You asked.

“Yes.” He answered in a heartbeat. “And I’m also sure that I can’t let you go.”

***

A/N2: Finally I was able to put a little ghost to rest with this one shot 😅 if you remember a while ago I gave you 3 choices for “The Photoshoot” asking if Sean was Cillian’s son or not that option included a happy blended family, but you like the drama, so I decided to not leave that beautiful idea go to waste right? So I came up with this little baby. I hope the present time and flashback wasn’t confusing for you, nevertheless if you have any questions you know where to find me!

♥️Please remember your comments and feedback feeds my soul ♥️

Tag list: @lyarr24 @runnning-outof-time @datewithgianni @gretelshelby @cloudofdisney @onlydeadcells @lespendy @alex-in-the-wilderness @peaky-cillian @shelbydelrey @cutecurly-hair @the-forest-witchh @prettylittlehoneyeyesxoxo @alessioayla @peakypoet @esposadomd @winchestergirl22 @ange-thoughts @gypsy-girl-08 @heidimoreton @queenshelby @stevie75 @babaohhhriley @hyperfixationsonshuffle @yrli8 @shaddixlife @itsilvermorny @moral-terpitude @paprikabadger @already-broken144

Ps. I tagged all of you because you’re reading the Photoshoot and this is a little glimpse of what could have happened if we took a different route with Sean…