#i was trying to be normal and it backfired

[attleboy]

mean lady save me. mean lady save me. m [collapses and dies]

thank you amanda for mean ragatha voice lines on the streamily tonight... i owe you my life

[danothan]

tough pill i have to swallow is realizing that “getting better” doesn’t mean “getting to do more things,” getting better for me means taking better initiative in protecting myself. and THAT means making sure i do LESS things

[dominote]

i think light yagami is "socially adept" in terms of being able to reason out relatively well what to say and do to come off as a harmless and good and polite young man who is likeable to be around. however i do not think "socially adept" (or "neurotypical") typically comes with having to preface every other normal-passing action and statement with a minor crisis of "ah shit. quick, what would i say/do in response to this if i was light yagami, a normal and nice and respectable young man?"

everyone likes to talk about him talking about kira in third person but can we acknowledge that he also talks about LIGHT in third person. i'm not adding manga panels at 3:57am but y'all know exactly which ones i mean

[densewentz]

exhausted health update because I have to rant somewhere lol

So we're ending day 12 of my mysterious right-sided numbness. It's moved from just my torso all the way down my right leg to my toes, so now I'm just hobbling around half numb rip. And now the torso numbness feels like im being vacuum sealed or something, just a horrible tightness and lack that makes it impossible to ignore. Went to the ER the other night and had 2 panic attacks within the span of the several hours I was there, got my bloodwork redone and a cat scan which all came back with a big Nothing on them. They told me I needed an MRI but that I'd have to go through my Primary Care and after I told them my primary wouldnt see me until May they referred me to a new primary not in my network so that's been a dead end rip. So far everyone is pointing at my horrific anxiety as the cause but not one doctor has actually offered me help for the anxiety despite me having the active panic attacks in the office lol. My Primary wont see me for several months despite the severity of my current condition and none of the mental health programs I've reached out to will get back to me so for now I'm just. Existing in this anxiety Ouroboros where my anxiety causes my numbness which causes anxiety which causes numbness. I'm trying stupid home remedies to try and minimize the active anxiety attacks but so far we've just been circling around alternating Holy Basil, Benadryl and literally just drinking Rum and going to sleep, which sure all help my anxiety a little maybe but also make it almost impossible for me to function normally during the day. This is making art difficult so commissions are going slow which is obviously making me more anxious lol. I also am home alone most of the week managing the household, which is made more difficult since right now the numbness in my foot/leg makes it dangerous for me to drive and difficult for me to get around my house to do daily tasks. Idk man I'm just tired as all hell and I seem to vacillate wildly between full anxiety breakdowns and depressive/dissociative episodes. At any rate during the week I'll just be constantly calling and harassing every doctor/therapist I can get a number for trying to find someone who will be able to either address my anxiety directly or can at least get me into an MRI to rule out MS or anything else that ISNT anxiety. I'm going to become the bane of the medical profession for a while. Wish me luck!

[mishy-mashy]

Working on an old Grey Deer fic (think like 2020 Black Clover) that deals with past attempts to bring devils into the world, and one unfortunate soul (OC) got dragged in by mistake

Said unfortunate soul (Ellia) has to learn the spoken language, but can read their written one. They all barely scrape by with this bridge

Involves,

Yami and Nacht teaching swear words to a foreigner

"Dammit*," Yami cursed, before turning to Ellia. "That means gosh diddly darn," he said, writing his 'translation' in the air. Notably, he was using a magic item, rather than his own magic, allowing him to write words cleanly in the air.

Since his Dark Magic was slow and bleeding in writing, he came prepared with this magic pen to talk to her via writing.

(*kuso = shit, fuck, dammit)

"Dammit," she parroted with a tone that didn't match her swear.

"You're a motherfucking bitch. That means, 'I like you very much'," Yami imparted with a straight face, writing his skewed translation for her to read.

"You are a motherfucking bitch," she repeated, with the politeness Morgen was teaching her as a norm. She had yet to even realize she wasn't using casual speech. After all, Morgen saw it good to start her off as polite.

Nacht snickered to himself.

"'Asshat' is a polite suffix you add at the end of your sentences."

"You look well today, asshat?"

"Yup," Yami said deliberately, a grin spreading on his face. "Do it just like that."

Case 15 of this backfiring: Mereoleona Vermillion

Morgen was a bit confused.

Lady Mereoleona was yelling at Yami, who was cowering behind the much thinner, smaller Ellia, using her as a shield. His hands clutched her shoulders, dependent on her to protect him from the feisty woman.

Yami also happened to be grabbing Nacht by the back of his collar, preventing him from leaving them to the lioness.

Frankly, Morgen walked in on a Scene™, and he knew it. He expected it when - less than 10 seconds ago - Yami had sprinted by and kidnapped their thinner companions to flee with him from the royal that sprinted by not even a second later.

Nacht was clearly trying to leave, while Yami played the victim card.

"I'm scawed, Ellie. The big mean lady keeps chasing me…." Yami trembled, cowering behind the confused Ellia.

"You're the one who-!!!" Mereoleona completely ignored his attempt of a living wall, ire clearly directed over Ellia's left shoulder.

"Can't you let me go already?! Fix your own damn problem!" Nacht shouted, one leg up in his trying to run as Yami maintained a crushing grip on the back of his collar.

"Shuddup! I thought we would be together through thick and thin!!" Yami argued back at Nacht, immediately going back to playing puppy dog eyes behind her back. "Ewwie, Yami is scawed….."

Ellia stared, back and forth between Yami, Nacht, and the fuming stranger she didn't know.

"Um…" Her gaze moved back to Mereoleona, and in the vocabulary they taught her, "Can you fuck off, you damn bastard?" she asked innocently. "Please."

"......"

A shade promptly fell over everyone's faces.

A mission in Raque

"Me and my family went there a few times when me and my Nii-san were younger," Morgen commented.

"If the Raque is a tourist place, what is I come to see?"

(Translation: if Raque is a tourist destination [for nobles and knights], what are people going there to see or do?)

"Raque is a beach located in the Noble Realm," Morgen informed her sunnily, his finger pointing up beside his head to subtitle what he just said. "It's full of strong mana, so it's always warm. And it's right beside the most dangerous Grand Magic Zone!"

"...." Well. She had been curious at first, but the latter information seemed to make her wilt and disinterested.

"But there's a bit of a problem," Morgen continued, dropping his hand to cup his chin. "While we are knights, entry is limited, so we're more likely to be allowed in as nobles…"

"Just say that the beach doesn't like foreigners like us, you blue blood," Yami retorted, catching onto what Morgen was beating around the bush over. "Just say we're your clown monkeys you drag around as a sadistic noble, and they'll let us in."

"No, that's..."

"Just look." Yami jabbed a thumb at Ellia, who was looking at the pillars in the architecture, their words too fast and numerous for her to try understanding. "That one can be your pretty foreign concubine that doesn't know what she is apart from eye candy."

"Don't say that, Yami. It's rude."

Ellia happened to catch exactly one word for context: candy. She looked back and raised her hand to exclaim, "I like fudge!"

"..."

Yami looked at her. Then back at Morgen. Re-jabbing his thumb, Morgen's smile a tad stiff,

"See?"

Nacht plays for keeps.

"So what're you gonna do, Vice-Captain?" Yami looked at Nacht. "Even Ellia is back. Life is gonna be hectic, you know."

Nacht looked over and took one look at Ellia, currently getting proper introductions in with the other Black Bulls. And,

"I'm going to charm the pants off of her."

"... You mean that figuratively, right?"

"I’m 110% serious."

".... Yeesh. I didn't need to know that."

Yami wasn't even surprised.

Nacht not catching a break even when he wasn't a knight. He might as well be an honorary one with how often he gets dragged into the knights' lives

At least, in the comfort of the Faust house, Nacht could get some alone time. Sweet, sweet silence. Honestly, after all the hard work and shitstorm he was put through, he could say he deserved this—

Knock knock.

….. There's not a weirdo on my window, is there?

Ellia knocked again.

There is, he realized in slight horror and confusion.

Morgen getting put up for a date auction in a fundraiser

Yami clicked his tongue, glaring at the clipboard that Ellia was holding, the two staring at the same blank list. They'd spent a good five minutes just reading the heading (auction "items") already, with no names beneath.

"We need people to auction off for dates," she commented, far less irritated than Yami. "People that others are actually interested in."

Yami's name was pointedly written at the top of the list and crossed out frantically.

"Kingdom can't accept a foreigner," Yami muttered.

[Foreigners] pointed at them.

"..." Ellia looked at him during his mutter, the arrow flashing above their heads. She looked back to the clipboard, stowing her reaction away. "It is more that you are unwashed and smell."

"You think these people will suddenly find me attractive if I took a bath?" Yami snorted, the idea laughable. Something so simple wouldn't change the people's minds.

"Don't say that, Yami. You have redeemable features yourself," a new voice interjected.

They'd have questioned that 'redeemable features' bit, if that voice hadn't made them go quiet in realization. They both turned at the same time to stare at Morgen.

A mess of arrows pointed at him.

Rich

Noble

Popular with everyone

Strong magic

Pretty

Goody two-shoes

"You two are aware this may be taken the wrong way?" Morgen asked with some worry for his friends. This was a strange, if novel idea, that Ellia had—but the idea of auctioning off others was off-putting. He noticed their staring at him. "?"

"It's for a good cause," Yami rumbled, exuding a dark aura that somehow made his eyes glow in red dots.

"The perfect person," Ellia whispered in a voice more fit for the possessed.

Morgen started sweating a little bit.

"Yami? Elle?"

[ghoulodont]

actually i was reading some old appointment notes from my 1st episode as part of my perpetual rumination on how i dont have any mental illnesses and its all made up and man i forgot what it was like in here. this is basically a document that repeatedly asserts i have terrible vibes. i made a collage

[ashmp3]

haterism is going to be strong in this post but i hateeeee pathetic weak people that victimize themselves. that kind of behaviour is just despicable to me it makes me ill im not joking. like one thing about me is i would rather die than let anyone feel sorry for me and seeing how some people willingly hope for it omfg...... no words. does it make me terrible person i dont know. but if youre like :( everyone hates me i am terrible arent i ....... my eye starts twitching and i am silent im not coddling you and now youre getting on my nerves so

[astfut]

😕.

[dagasinfilo]

hi how do i convince my brain that my symptoms & odd experiences that seem concerning may actually be concerning and probably not something i’m making up for fame&glory

[snekdood]

hope you're proud of the things you've normalized because you just cant accept you did anything wrong

[its-a-swift-kloss]

So the worst beard to date is gone. Good. It's insane it actually happened, but glad it's finally over

[immakuronaakuma]

*Me, just kinda vibes, all good in the hood*

Someone: hey, you hungry?

*My thoughts: well… we’re not in a hungry, thinking of food mood… but an hour or two has passed… they’re probably feeling hungry themselves… we could spend some time eating together… let’s say yeah*

Me: Yeah.

Someone: WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU SAY ANYTHING!? YOU MORONIC DUMB BI-

[ginnsbaker]

All Of Your Pieces (1 - Honey! I shrunk the kids! 18+)

Summary: Wanda accidentally shrinks your kids while trying out a spell that would benefit both of you in the bedroom; Jimmy and Darcy attempt to find out more about the Hex, particularly when they discover a remarkable detail about you. Pairing: Wanda Maximoff x Female Reader Chapter word count: 3k+ | Tags: Smut, Campy Humor, Language

A/N: I've been working on this series since late August and have finally figured out what to do with it, enough to share it with you all. The story will be told in three parts: Westview (The Missing Town), Pre-Westview, and Post-Westview. This follows some events in WandaVision, but it's very canon-divergent. It's going to be different from my other works (I've never written humor before and I'm quite insecure about that), as this one is very plot-driven but at the same time, still very much Wanda x Reader (especially in parts 2 and 3). Updates will be every Wednesday. Chapters will be 2.5–3.5k words long, except for the ending chapters of each part, which are twice as long. So, without further ado… More author's notes here.

Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist

-

“Honey! I shrunk the kids!” 

Wanda bursts into the basement, apron billowing out like a cape. Except, there's no draft down here; that apron shouldn't be moving like that at all. But then again, considering your wife’s claim, maybe the laws of physics are taking a day off.

You glance up from the miniature model home you’re meticulously working on, unsure if you heard her right. Did she really just say that? 

“You what?”

Wanda, flushed and a little breathless, skids to a stop in front of you. “Okay, so I was experimenting with a new spell, one that was supposed to…” She bites her lip, hesitating, her face glowing a deeper shade of red. “...it was supposed to do something else, but it backfired and... well, it’s not important right now!”

“Jesus, Wanda.”

Your poor, beautiful, occasionally clumsy wife stands there, teetering between a freak-out and a fit of giggles. 

“It was an accident! I didn't mean to!” Wanda shrieks, causing the room to tremble from her panic.

Wanda's powers have always been a wildcard. You can child-proof the entire house in a day, but that definitely doesn't cover child-proofing Wanda herself—especially not when your kids are involved. Luckily, the boys have inherited some special abilities of their own, which leaves you as the sole non-superpowered member of the household. With that in mind, you know better than to panic. Getting worked up alongside her would only escalate things, and you’re not exactly keen on being shrunk next.

“Okay…where are they now?” you ask as calmly as you can manage.

Wanda takes a deep breath and leads you to the living room. You trail her in silence, clutching at composure. It can’t be that bad, right? The distant sound of playful music trickling through the house almost makes it seem like everything’s fine. You hadn’t really noticed it before, but now that you think about it, it’s like your brain has learned to associate that kind of tune with situations that somehow always end in collective sighs of relief.

Sighs, giggles, and applause—sounds that don't belong to Wanda or the boys.

Where are they coming from?

Before your mind can completely sink into the oddities of your life here in Westview, Wanda halts in the middle of the living room. Your eyes dart around, searching for Billy and Tommy, but they’re nowhere to be seen.

“Where?”

“Right there,” Wanda points toward the coffee table, her finger trembling slightly.

You squint in the direction she’s pointing. Next to the TV remote, two tiny figures wave up at you—your sons, each about the size of your thumb.

“Oh my god, they’re tiny!” you gasp, covering your mouth with your hand. You expected them to be at least half their normal size—a size they might grow out of eventually.

“Shhhh, Y/N!” Wanda hisses, pressing her index finger to her lips. “The neighbors might hear you.”

Neighbors. Which usually means just Agnes from next door. There’s literally several meters of spaces between your houses, but somehow, she always manages to hear things she shouldn’t and pries like she’s in some perfectly timed routine.

Wanda kneels by the coffee table, her eyes soft. “I told them to stay right there until we sorted this out.”

The twins start making noises, sounding like tiny bells, though still hard to make out. You pull out a magnifying glass from your back pocket—has that been there the whole time?—making sure your sons are okay. As soon as the lenses zoom in on their faces, you're relieved to see them laughing uproariously, seemingly unbothered by their predicament.

“They seem... happy?” you say, lowering the magnifying glass.

“They think it's hilarious,” Wanda grumbles, her lips curling into a pout.

“So,” you sigh, pushing yourself to your feet. “Any ideas on how to fix this?”  You're tempted to suggest just letting it run its course, waiting for the spell to fizzle out, but you know Wanda wouldn’t go for that. She's fiercely protective of the twins, and you can't blame her—it’s all her handiwork, after all.

Then you hear it—a hiccup. Another follows, and then another, each one a little louder than the last.

Before you know it, Wanda's a sobbing mess.

You cup her face in your hands. “Hey, hey...it’s okay,” you murmur, gently brushing away a tear with your thumb.

Wanda’s breath hitches as she looks at you, her eyes brimming with worry. “What if I can’t fix it?”

“We will,” you promise, looking into her eyes.

A collective ‘awww’ rings in your ears, pulling you out of the moment. What the hell—where did that come from? You've had this creepy feeling of being watched lately, and it's only getting worse.

Wanda brings you back to focus when she nuzzles into your palm. “Oh, Y/N, I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

You give her a small, lopsided grin and plant a kiss on her forehead. “Good thing you’ll never have to find out.” Something passes over her eyes as soon as you say it, but it vanishes in a split-second, replaced by a moment of inspiration.

“Wait,” she bursts out, stepping away from your embrace. “I think I have an idea.”

She heads straight for the fridge, and you trail after her, holding your breath.

“I’ve been trying to reverse it, but my magic isn’t cooperating. It’s like... it’s tangled,” Wanda mutters, yanking things out of the fridge.

You scowl, arms crossed, watching her. “Tangled? What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. The more I try to fix it, the worse it gets. Like it has a life of its own,” she says. she says. After a few more seconds of rummaging, Wanda finally grabs a tetra pack of chocolate milk—the twins' favorite.

“I’m hoping this will do the trick,” she says, giving the carton a shake.

You cock your head, clueless on what’s going on. “Honey, what’s going on?”

Wanda mumbles, barely glancing up as she vigorously shakes the carton. “Just doing what it says—’Shake well before serving.’”

You roll your eyes, muttering, “This woman...”. Then louder, you ask, “I mean, what’s the chocolate got to do with our tiny children?”

Wanda stops mid-shake, a look of realization dawning on her face. “Oh, right,” she slaps her forehead. “You can’t read minds. I keep forgetting,” she chuckles, setting down the carton with a sheepish grin.

There it is again—a chorus of laughter from somewhere far off. Your mouth twitches at the sound—it’s really starting to get on your nerves. You make a mental note to bring it up with Wanda later.

Wanda gathers herself, then pitches her plan. “Instead of directly casting a spell on the twins, I think it’s safer to enchant this chocolate milk.” She picks up the carton again, giving it a final shake. “The idea is to infuse the milk with a spell that will gradually restore them to their normal sizes.”

You nod, beginning to understand what she’s trying to do. “Sounds less risky than zapping them with more magic head on.”

“Exactly,” she agrees, her eyes lighting up with excitement. You’d swear she’s getting a kick out of this macabre parenting hack—kids and all. The background tune keeps playing, like a promise that the universe won’t let things turn to shit. You’re wondering if maybe Wanda hears it too.

“This way, the magic is diluted and can adjust more naturally with their systems. It’s like... sneaking the cure into their bodies,” she says, snapping her fingers, red swirls of magic emanating from them to the carton of milk.

“I'm so proud of you, baby,” you say, leaning in for a quick kiss which she happily accepts. “For finding a fix, I mean. The whole shrinking our kids thing? Still not great.”

–

“What kind of spell do you think Wanda was going for?” Darcy asks, her eyes fixed on the credits rolling across the screen before it fades to black. She’s really gotten into Wanda’s little show, a welcome distraction from the freezing depths of hell that is New Jersey in November. Though exciting things are finally happening to her, the timing couldn't be worse. 

“No clue,” Jimmy mutters, his attention glued to the laptop in front of him. It’s been two days since Quantico sent him to look into the bizarre case of a missing town—a phenomenon almost unheard of in the 21st century. Upon arriving, they discovered that the town in question, Westview, was enveloped by some sort of anomaly—or a Hex, as Darcy has started calling it, referring to the hexagonal shape of the barrier encasing the town. 

Around the same time as the discovery, S.W.O.R.D. agent Monica Rambeau was quite literally sucked into the anomaly by accident. The only breakthrough has been Darcy Lewis’ detection of the signals, providing them with a window into the mysterious shroud, even helping them identify some of the show's characters as actual residents of the town.

But overall, they're still desperately trying to piece together why this is happening and how to stop it.

Darcy peeks over at the data on Jimmy’s screen. “Find anything new?”

Jimmy sighs in frustration. “No, not really. Everything we dig up just adds more questions instead of answers.”

“Like what, for instance?”

Instead of answering directly, he slides a thick file across the table toward her. “See for yourself.”

Darcy catches the file and starts flipping through it. Murmuring, she says, “So, Google finally returned search results?” The stack of papers is downright daunting. Jimmy’s right—any mountain of information would raise more questions than answers.

“No, not Google,” Jimmy corrects her. “Stark's highly confidential database did. The woman Wanda's married to in Westview? She’s not in any public records. Turns out her records were wiped clean two years ago.”

Darcy looks up, puzzled. “Why would Stark's company have this?”

“Just read, Darcy. It’s all in there,” he says, turning his full attention back to his research.

Darcy frowns slightly and begins scanning through the pages more attentively. It takes her a few minutes to piece together the information she's reading, with her mind going in different directions and still burning with curiosity about the spell Wanda botched.

Finally, she reads aloud, somewhat incredulously, “Subject was recognized as S.H.I.E.L.D.'s youngest marksmanship prodigy prior to recruitment by Stark Industries following the dissolution of S.H.I.E.L.D.. Subsequently provided tactical support on multiple classified operations in conjunction with the Avengers initiative.”

She sets the file down thoughtfully. “Kinda reminds me a bit of Romanoff or Barton. Total badass. I hadn’t pegged Maximoff for that crowd.”

“What crowd did you have Wanda filed under?” Jimmy asks, just out of curiosity.

Darcy’s gaze drifts off, a dreamy smirk on her lips. “Honestly? I always pictured her—or anyone for that matter—swooning over someone more…mythical hammer than tactical espionage.”

Jimmy snorts to himself at Darcy's whimsical take and says, “Of course, you’d say that. Thor's everyone's type.”

“He’s yours too?”

“Yeah, why not,” Jimmy shrugs, his tone more reluctant than sarcastic, which only amuses Darcy more.

“So,” Darcy begins, “Wanda's settled down in New Jersey, married to a woman? I mean, good for her. They all deserve a break. Maybe even an early retirement.”

Jimmy lets out a long, tired sigh, like he's just about done with everything. Darcy notices and raises an eyebrow. “What now?”

He barely glances up. “Like I said, everything’s in there. Just keep reading.”

Darcy groans but goes back to the file, flipping through the pages again. She’s about to make a snarky comment when something catches her attention—something that has her eyes practically popping out of their sockets.

“It… it says here Y/N’s dead.”

“That’s right,” Jimmy responds without missing a beat.

“Not snapped five years ago. Dead-dead.”

“Yep.”

Darcy stares at the page, disbelief all over her face. “That can’t be right, can it?”

Jimmy finally swivels his chair to face her, looking as tired as he sounds. “That’s what I’ve been trying to wrap my head around for hours. If aliens and superheroes are real, maybe bringing someone back from the dead to star in a sitcom isn’t so far-fetched, right?”

–

You carefully pull the blankets up over Billy, smoothing his hair and whispering a soft good night. Tommy’s already half-asleep, but you make sure to tuck him in just as snugly, brushing a kiss on his forehead. Wanda stands in the doorway, watching you, her heart swelling in her chest. You were so clueless when she first had the twins, but now, being a mother just seems to come naturally to you. 

And you pulled it off in a week, while the twins stretched into six-year-olds just as fast.

“Honey,” you call softly, noticing the way she’s lost in thought. “Aren’t you going to say good night to our boys?”

Wanda steps into the room, giving each of the boys their good night kiss. You pucker your lips, silently asking for your turn, and she playfully swats your arm, whispering, “Not here, baby.”

You pout, giving her your best puppy-dog eyes, which only makes her smile. Without warning, you grab her hand and hurriedly pull her out of the boys' room, making a beeline for your bedroom. Wanda’s laughter fills the hallway, and just as you reach the door, you suddenly sweep her off the ground, lifting her into your arms.

Wanda lets out a shriek, her laughter infectious, and you can’t help but grin, even as you let her thump onto the mattress—a sloppy, graceless drop. You follow her onto the bed, rolling onto your stomach to peer down at her, still sporting that stupid smile.

“So, about that kiss you owe me,” you whisper, hovering closer, teasing her with your proximity.

Wanda nods distractedly. “I think I can manage that,” she murmurs, and then her lips are on yours.

It starts simple and sweet. Though soon, her tongue is gently nudging your lips apart, and it quickly becomes anything but. Her hands slip down to your back, pulling you close until her heartbeat hammering against yours. You break away, lips trailing down to her neck, exploring every dip and hollow, your tongue darting out to taste her skin. When you hit that spot just behind her ear, the one that always drives her wild, she gasps.

“Don't start something you can’t finish,” she warns, her voice already thick with want.

“Who says I won't?” you shoot back with a wolfish grin.

You both fall into a familiar routine, as easy to slip into as the back of your hand. There’s no hurry, just the two of you moving languidly—whispering against skin, giggles turning into sighs and breathy moans. Sometimes, being with Wanda feels like a desperate need, as if not having her completely would literally be the end of you. But it’s moments like these that are your favorite—the ones where you’re barely even trying, yet she still comes apart at your touch, at the mere feeling of your fingers on her. 

Eventually, you both settle down, a contented sigh escaping you as you curl up against Wanda, your skin slightly damp with the effort of your love. You like this, being the little spoon, hiding your face in her neck like you’re hiding from the world, though you vaguely recall a time when it was usually her in your arms. 

As you’re staggering on the edge of sleep, Wanda’s fingers gently massage your scalp, her lips dropping soft, pensive kisses on your forehead. You're almost out, but one last question keeps you from drifting off entirely.

“Wanda, that spell earlier that shrunk the boys—what was that about?” you mumble, your words slurring into the dream nipping at your consciousness.

Wanda’s laughter rumbles through her chest, nudging you slightly from your drowsy state.

“Come on, tell me,” you coax, giving her side a playful pinch to keep her talking.

“It’s embarrassing,” she mumbles, her face turning a delightful shade of pink again that spreads down her neck and chest. Her coy reaction wakes you up some more. As a twisted kind of payback, you run your tongue rough over her nipple, snatching a sharp gasp from her. Moving up, you hold her flushed cheek, making sure she’s looking right at you. Your thigh presses between hers, and it doesn’t take long before she’s wet and ready again.

“Are you going to tell me, or do you plan on sleeping with a wet pussy tonight?” you whisper, brushing your lips against the corner of her mouth. Under different circumstances, Wanda would scold you for your crudeness, but right now, she's too worked up to care. Your dirty mouth has always been one of the most irritating yet irresistible things about you. Even having kids hasn’t changed that.

“I was trying to... enchant your...” she starts, but then your hand tightens on her butt, spurring her subtle grinding movements. By this time, she’s practically dripping onto the sheets, her thoughts scattering as the tightening sensation below her stomach builds.

“My what?” you push, smirking as you watch her fumble for words. You hoist her leg, resting it on your shoulder, laying her wide open. You slide two fingers inside her, fucking her slowly while your thumb brutally circles her clit. As she hesitates to answer, you hook in another finger, drawing a sharp cry of pleasure from Wanda. Your gaze stays locked on your wife, a part of you as surprised as she might be at your boldness tonight.

All day, she’s haunted every corner of your mind, fantasizing about stealing a quick, desperate moment while the twins are asleep or at Agnes’s. But there’s been something—an unnameable restraint—holding you back from indulging those wicked impulses. It isn’t until the boys are asleep, the house quiet, that those invisible chains start to loosen. That’s when you can finally allow yourself to desire Wanda the way you really want to. The way you’ve always been meant to.

“Your... clit,” Wanda finally spits out, seeing you've drifted off, stuck in your head. “I thought I could make it... well, longer. Like a...” She chokes on the words, too embarrassed to finish.

“Like a cock?” you throw out crudely, looking down at her impishly.

Wanda nods, mortified but also a little defiant. “Wanted you to fuck me with it,” she mumbles, finding her backbone now that the secret's in the open.

“I am fucking you,” you whisper hotly right into her ear. “But if you want it like that, all you have to do is say the word.”

Wanda clenches around you at the thought of doing it like that in the near future, her breath hitching. “Please,” she mewls, the word dripping with need. 

“Good girl,” you growl, cranking up the pace as you drive your fingers harder inside her, making her gasp and arch towards you. “You can come.”

With a choked whimper, Wanda surrenders, her body seizing as her orgasm washes over her. She soaks your wrist, the clear fluid trickling down onto the sheets, but you don't stop, pushing through every pulse of her release until she's quaking, utterly wrecked beneath you. You patiently wait until her spasms subside before slowly pulling your fingers away.

Wanda's hand shoots out, stopping your movements. “Stay,” she implores, sounding like she's on the verge of tears. You're momentarily startled by her reaction, concerned something might be wrong. Swiftly, you slide your fingers back where they belong, nestled deep inside her.

“Okay, baby, I’m not going anywhere,” you murmur, pushing back the damp strands of hair sticking to her forehead with your free hand. Exhaustion begins to cloud your senses as you sink down beside Wanda, still keeping your hand where she wants it. 

“I'm sorry for needing you so much,” Wanda murmurs, her voice shaky with tears you can't see, your cheek pressed against the pillow beside hers.

“Don't be,” you mumble, half-lost to sleep as she clings to you more tightly. “I’m here.”

“You love me,” she says, a hint of wonder, of fear.

You nod, lips brushing the nape of her neck. “And you love me,” you murmur back, your eyes slipping shut. “I'm not going anywhere, Wanda.”

“For now,” she whispers to herself, once your breathing evens out in sleep.

Tears betray her then, and she clamps a hand over her mouth to keep quiet. But just before her sobs fully break free, she flicks a finger, a thin red wisp of magic ensuring you stay deep in sleep.

With you unaware, Wanda surrenders to her grief.

[bodybaggage]

Oh, It’s On!

DP X DC

Ensue the prank war…

---

It all started with a simple question posed by Dick as he lounged on the Batcave’s most uncomfortable piece of furniture, which he affectionately called "the Bat-Stone."

“So, has anyone actually tested the limits of Danny’s ghost powers?”

Tim looked up from his laptop, always the first to take a bait. “You mean, besides the constant intangible phase he does to avoid Damian’s batarangs?”

Stephanie, who was tending to her bo-staff but was actually poking Cass with the end of it—grinned. “I’m in. If nothing else, we’ll get some decent entertainment. Better than watching Bruce brood in the dark.”

Cass, normally the least likely to engage in such activities, simply tilted her head with a curious look that might have been interpreted as a quiet agreement. She might not speak often, but Cass had developed a taste for subtle chaos.

Jason cracked his knuckles with a smirk. “Sounds like a good way to pass the time. And besides, I’m bored.”

Danny, floating into the room with a glow of mild suspicion, was not as oblivious as they might have hoped. “You guys aren’t planning anything, are you?”

Dick waved a hand dismissively. “Us? Plan something? Come on, Danny, we’re innocent.”

Danny gave him a deadpan stare. “That’s literally the opposite of what you are.”

The challenge was set, and everyone knew it. But Danny, being the ghostly trickster he was, didn’t wait to be pranked first. He struck with precision.

---

The first inkling that things were amiss came when the Batmobiles began moving on their own. Jason was the first to notice, his usual vehicle—a sleek, red tank of a motorcycle—had rolled up to him as if it were a loyal dog wanting to go for a walk.

“Alright, who’s messing with my ride?” Jason demanded, but the vehicle simply honked twice in response, the sound oddly cheerful.

“It’s not me!” Tim called from across the cave, where his own ride had begun circling him like a shark. “I swear, I’m not touching anything!”

Danny floated nearby, feigning innocence with an expression that screamed, I totally did this. “You sure your cars aren’t just excited to see you?”

Jason narrowed his eyes. “This is war, ghost boy.”

---

The Batcave, typically a place of stoic professionalism, had devolved into a battleground of pranks. Stephanie had rigged Danny’s usual hangout spot with a pop-up scarecrow (it looked suspiciously like Scarecrow, but with a clown wig) that would jump out at him whenever he tried to sit down.

The trap backfired spectacularly when Danny phased through the seat, sending the scarecrow careening into Cass, who simply caught it midair with one hand and set it down gently. Without saying a word, she gave Stephanie a look that said, ‘Nice try, but no.’

“Okay, point to Danny,” Stephanie conceded, wiping away tears of laughter.

In retaliation, Danny decided to step up his game. The next morning, Alfred calmly entered the Batcave with a tray of tea, his hair glowing an eternal green. Not a word about the change, not even a glance in the mirror—Alfred was far too professional for that.

Bruce, however, did notice. “Alfred, did you do something... different with your hair?”

Alfred, ever unflappable, set down the tea tray. “Just trying out a new look, Master Wayne. I believe it’s quite... refreshing.”

Bruce nodded slowly, not entirely sure if Alfred was joking. “It’s very... unique.”

Danny had to leave the room, barely containing his laughter. The dry humor had struck a chord, even with the ghost kid.

---

As the prank war escalated, it became harder to tell who was pranking who. Jason found his helmet filled with ectoplasm, while Tim’s gadgets began mysteriously glitching out, causing them to display random memes whenever he tried to access files.

Stephanie set up a system of water balloons throughout the cave, each strategically placed to drench whoever activated the trap. The grand finale was a large balloon precariously perched above the entrance, ready to douse the first unlucky victim.

Unfortunately for Damian, who had been staunchly standing next to Bruce to avoid any involvement in the chaos, his loyalty did not save him.

“I am not a part of this, Father,” Damian declared, stepping slightly closer to Bruce.

A soft ‘click’ echoed in the cave, followed by a loud splash as the massive water balloon above exploded, soaking Damian from head to toe.

Bruce sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Damian, I thought you said you weren’t part of this.”

“I am not!” Damian insisted, dripping onto the Batcave floor. He glared at the ceiling as if it had personally offended him. “This was not intended for me.”

Danny appeared next to him, intangible and dry. “I guess the water balloon had other plans.”

Jason, Tim, Stephanie, and Dick burst into laughter, while Cass allowed herself a rare smile. Even Bruce couldn’t hold back the faintest twitch of his lips.

---

The chaos continued throughout the day, culminating in a final showdown where Danny—now fully embracing his role as master prankster—made every Bat-Suit in the Batcave walk out of their cases and perform the ‘Michael Jackson’s Thriller’ dance.

Bruce had walked in just in time to see his most serious suit do the moonwalk.

“That’s it,” Bruce declared, finally done with the madness. “No more pranks in the Batcave.”

But as he said it, his own suit’s visor flipped up to reveal a pair of glowing green eyes that winked at him before going dark.

Danny’s laugh echoed through the cave. “You’re gonna have to catch me first, Bats!”

Bruce sighed again, mentally preparing himself for the next round. It seemed that in the Batcave, chaos would always have a ghostly signature.

[astrow1zar6]

Astro observations of players/ heartbreakers - 26

Libra placements: Libras really adore romantic attention (when single & sometimes even in a relationship) they will flirt with people they really have no attraction to for fun or cuz their bored. They have this amazing ability to make others feel really special just for them to be doing that to 5 others or just for it to be completely ingenuine. They can be so charming that you really believe they like you until you realize they don’t. Libras leave a lot of broken hearts behind them. They will say the most heart warming shit that will have you thinking they’re in love with you just to leave you for the cutie next door 😭 especially if you have libra in your sun, moon and rising.

5th house stellium’s: oh lord lol these people can be everywhere in terms of the heart. The 5th house is related to short love affairs. So you can imagine these people go thru a lot of potential partners in their life (unless afflicted or Saturns in the 5th). These people are very flirty they love the feeling of having new crushes and the LOVE the attention they get from their crush too. However, these people normally have a lot of crushes and never usually settles down with one. This can be a big baby maker placement especially if Jupiter and Venus are involved. I’ve seen men with a lot of 5th house placements that have babies with multiple women or have a lot of baby mommas. They tend to do very risky shit for fun just for it to backfire on them. They are part animals at heart and usually that’s where I notice they make most of their mistakes they end up regretting. They usually end up getting caught up in the heat of the moment when it comes to people their attracted to which can lead to a cheating problem.

Sagittarius suns: if you can get a Sagittarius to actually commit to you you won.. no but seriously they are not the best with commitment😭 when they feel a relationship is getting too close I notice they start to get cold feet and become really distant with their partner or do little things to self sabotage the relationship. They are very romantic very fast in the beginning of the relationship. Most Sagittarius’s move REALLY fast and are impulsive when getting in relationships. They usually try to commit too early having the other party believe they are in love with them just for them to back out the minute it gets to stabilized and that isn’t usually long. They can feel like their partners slow them down in some way and end up neglecting the relationship.

Scorpio Venus: now I really don’t believe all these posts saying “this this the most die heart loyal sign” cuz that’s complete bull crap and the people who know know😭 I’m mostly talking about the men in this situation but these men can be the biggest cheaters!! It’s honestly rare to see these people not cheat from what I’ve seen. They are really picky of the women they date and I notice the women they do pick to date they don’t really like them that much?? They go for people they have a very mild attraction to usually and for such intense people it’s something you wouldn’t expect. I believe Scorpio Venus do this as a way of control because when they are truly in love and with the right partner they become fiercely loyal and loving. But I don’t think they seek out those type of relationships because they are often extremely painful for them because of their intense emotions, when they are truly in love they feel like they have no control over themselves when in that state, so I think they find people they don’t love that deeply so they can be in complete control of themselves and their partner. Which is why they can be very possessive and jealous of their partner even while their sleeping around it’s a big control thing. But I believe once they find their soulmate it’s the complete opposite but that’s usually a challenge.

Pisces Venus: these are also extreme charmers like libra. Pisces is exalted here so they have the ability to be some of the most romantic loving partners, they will sweep you off your feet with the words and promises that they give you then outta no where where you think everything’s perfect between the two of you… he ghosts you. Then next thing you know you see him at the bar talking to another girl like nothing. These men tend to never quite know what they want and usually have wandering eyes for other females. The commitment line is usually really blurred for these people which is why they attract a lot of situationships no one knows what it really is.

Aqua Venus: these people play hot & cold soo much it can drive the person they’re talking to a little crazy. When they are unsure of the partner they tend to juggle them around until they decide. One minute they are so flirty and engaging and romantic towards you then the next they’re ignoring your texts, giving you really dry robotic responses. They put their partners thru a whirlwind to get to their heart. This can leave the other party feel like they are being stringed along (most likely they are) like Scorpio Venus they are very picky with their partners and settle for very authentic/unique people. They can like the most oddest people or just people you’d never expect them to date. You never know what’s going to melt these peoples heart. They really need someone who excites them. (Sn: I notice Scorpio and Aqua Venus’s actually make an amazing couple)

Uranus square Venus: one minute they wanna break up & meet other people the next they want you again and the cycle repeats. These are the kings & queens of on and off relationships 😂 they can never seem to make up their mind on if they’re ready to commit, they can be really unpredictable in love which can be pretty exhausting. One minute they’re in love the next they’re bored and cold towards you. U tend to have a lot of relationships come and go but can’t seem to get them stabilized. This can leave your partners feeling really confused & played.

Gemini Venus: they never really seem like they’re interested in anyone they’re dating. They are always trying to seek out attention from other people even when in a relationship. Their crushes are usually very superficial and fleeting. It takes A LOT to keep these people attention, you have to be very mentally stimulating and almost fascinate them to really get them hooked on you. But they are not easily impressed, they are really good at predicting people’s behaviors so it’s hard to find someone that really excites them. They enjoy things they can’t predict or keeps them guessing it lights up their curious minds (go for a Venus in aqua!).

P.S. just because you have any of the placements mentioned that doesn’t make you a player other placements obviously play a role! Just the most common ones I’ve observed 🐮

[slytherinshua]

YOU'RE WORTH IT

genre. fluff. period comfort. warnings. it's mentioned that reader had a toxic ex. anton and reader haven't been dating for too long. mentions of cramps and general period stuff but no blood. kissing. pairing. anton x fem!reader. wc. 981. request. no. a/n. written for @eternalgyu who is suffering :( i hope this helps even a little <33

“Are you sure this is… normal?” Anton questioned a little worried from the other side of the bed. You winced, not only from the excruciating pain you were experiencing, but the sudden guilt that hit you. Maybe you should have tried a little harder to keep your ‘ow’s from distracting your boyfriend from his work.

“Yeah, it’s normal— don’t worry.” You waved him off and rolled to your side so your back faced him, fighting back the tears that started to prick at your eyes. Was it normal for cramps to be this painful?

“Can I do anything to help?” Anton’s voice reached your ear again, this time a lot closer than before. He was peering over your curled up body with concern written on his face. Your face softened a little, and a little of the fear of being annoying washed away with Anton’s look.

Your ex-boyfriend had been… less than understanding whenever you got your period. He always complained about you bothering him or “bringing the mood down” whenever you couldn’t bring yourself to be your usual bright self. He seemed disgusted at even the thought of it and would constantly blame any normal frustration towards him on your period, even when you weren’t on it.

Months of that had quickly trained your brain to be self-conscious of it. You knew it was all normal, of course, but you had started trying to hide the fact that you were on your period whenever you could; almost as if it didn’t exist entirely. 

Even admitting to Anton that it was your time of the month made you want to sink into the floor and disappear. You had expected him to be disgusted or confused or weirded out, but he wasn’t. Instead, he offered to go to the store to get anything you might need, which you politely refused— too embarrassed to make him go out of his way.

You shook your head, “I don’t want you to inconvenience yourself.”

Anton looked at you like you were crazy, “Inconvenience myself? But you’re the one in pain.” 

You diverted your eyes from his, unsure what to do in this situation. Your brain was racing a mile a minute, too hesitant to accept his offer in case it backfired later. But Anton wasn’t that kind of person, right?

“And, besides, you’re worth any amount of inconvenience. I promise.” He persuaded gently. 

“Okay.” You mumbled out. Anton smiled, his eyes crinkling before he leaned down and pressed a kiss to your cheek.

“I heard heating pads can help, right?” You could barely answer before he was rushing off to warm one up, and back before you knew it, placing it carefully on your stomach. The heat did feel nice against the pain, but it didn’t make it go away entirely. Anton seemed to notice when your eyes scrunched up as another painful cramp hit you.

“Is it not helping?” His voice came out softer than usual, a touch of anxiousness lacing his question. He was studying your face carefully, giving you his full attention. You weren’t used to someone being so patient with you.

“It is, but I don’t think there’s any way to make them go away entirely. I have to just wait it out.” You said quietly.

Anton frowned, “That’s not fair.”

His comment made you smile slightly, “It’s okay.”

“Is there anything else I can help with?” 

“Distraction?” You suggested, a little skeptical whether it would actually work, but it was worth a shot. 

“Hmm.” Anton thought for a second, giving you a glance before diving forward and capturing your lips without warning. You squeaked slightly from the shock before allowing yourself to focus on the feeling of his soft lips and less on the pain of your cramps. It was pretty effective, if you were being honest. It was easy for your brain to only focus on his lips and nothing else. But there was one problem: you didn’t have unlimited breath.

You pulled apart slightly breathless, and as soon as you didn’t have the distraction to focus on, you were hit with another painful cramp that had you whimpering and sinking deeper into the mattress. Your arms were still around Anton’s neck, clasped at the back, and you brought him down with you.

He shifted to the side quickly before he crashed on top of you and turned so he was facing you again. You were almost sure he would be sick of trying to think of ways to help after 2 attempts, but you were wrong. 

He pulled you closer until you were right up against his chest, safely wrapped around his arms. He tapped on his phone for a couple seconds, clicking on the playlist he had made for you a couple weeks ago. The soft songs on it helped you relax immediately, and you snuggled a bit closer.

“Maybe if you tried falling asleep?” Anton suggested, and you nodded slowly.

Usually it was hard to fall asleep with the pain, but it was surprisingly easy when you were wrapped in Anton’s arms. He started humming quietly along with the music, one of his hands rubbing your back slowly at the same time.

You felt your eyelids droop and finally close entirely. Each time you had a cramp, you would tense up and curl closer to him, and he would hold you just a little bit tighter. Eventually, you were able to fall asleep, and Anton let out a relieved sigh. He hated seeing you in any kind of pain, especially when you seemed so afraid to even tell him about it. 

He knew it would probably take more time for him to earn your complete trust, but he was more than willing to put in the work for it. A little inconvenience on his end was more than worth it. You were more than worth it.

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