#i was thinking maybe i should delete all my accounts if it makes me depressed

[jarognieva]

I gave up on everything

[xclowniex]

I don’t know if it makes me a horrible person but I’m actually kind of glad seeing Yuval (feels very weird saying that seeing as my uncle is called יובל) getting ripped to shreds by his ‘supporters’. Like, not happy, but just sort of satisfied??? I had to unfollow him when I was still on tiktok because he was promoting ahistorical bullshit and demonising Israelis. It’s extra shitty because the first ever video he made on the conflict was actually fairly balanced and recognised Jewish self determination and being indigenous to the levant, and then he deleted it, apologised, and started erasing Jewish history because he thought he could bend to these people’s will. His account prides itself on being informed and factual and fair, and yet he pulls a stunt like that, and I can only imagine how much worse he’s gotten since I deleted tiktok

We all knew that this would happen. The harassers knew it would, at least in their subconscious. It was only him who didn’t. They’ve pushed him to the very edge because now the baseline for being like them is to view the Shoah as a couple thousand people dying for basically being Christians, and it’s made special because they were white, and now that he’s stepped out of line a little they are coming for him. Maybe it’ll snap him out of being an idiot who sells out his own people so that he can be seen as a good person instead of like, actually being a good person. But he’ll probably just try to curry their favour again and fail over and over and over. Idk. It’s a weirdly gratifying but also incredibly depressing thing to see that what you predicted was going to happen was exactly right

(and I know some idiots are going to try to twist this into saying ‘you think fundraising for Palestinians is evil!!!’ because the anons you get are absolutely deranged. That’s not my problem with him or his account, wanting to fundraise for families is great and, as long as they’re verifiably real, it’s a good way to directly help people without their aid being taken away and siphoned off by Hamas. My problem with him is that in an effort to be the token Good Jew tm he completely revises history, spreads propaganda and false info, and vilifies every point of Israel’s life as a state. Plus he can’t even pronounce his own name right lol)

100% with everything you said.

I don't think you are a bad person for having a sense of "I told you so" towards what he is experiencing. It sucks and no jew should experience antisemitism, however two things can be true at once.

Its only natural to feel almost a sense of vindication, a "see look, I told you all this was going to happen and none of you listened to me and now you're suffering too"

I also agree that he will likely bend to their favor. He has shown some backbone in regards to his apology video where he stood behind his original message but apologized if his wording was off and re-worded his statement. This is all my assumption as I am not in his head, but I feel like his backbone on this came from sheer disbelief that face eating leopards ate his face. We may see this end up as a turning point where he stops pandering, or he might continue to pander either out of wanting to be accepted or because of other commitments like Ayame. She might not want to continue to make content with him due to the backlash and boom there goes his biggest series + a potential relationship as I'm unsure if it's just for views or if they are genuinely interested in each other.

[im-the-j-in-anthony-j-crowley]

Hi guys, I want to start by saying that I love you all and that my time in the fandom has been amazing

I don't know if that time is over, but we're definitely going to have a break because I need to think things through

If you want a VERY long talk about my views on the subject, and my general perspective, it's below.

I should give warning that both SA and depression are mentioned, with reference to suicide

I have always had problems with the age of both Michael's and David's partners, and you don't know how much I loved the girl who asked Michael about it.

However, both relationships were consensual, so even though I don't agree with it, I could simply acknowledge the fact that we have different worldviews and that's it.

Now I assume we know what's going on with Neil, and here the allegation is that it wasn't consensual. And also, it was girls my age, or younger than me.

Neil, I know the chances of you reading this are nil, and that possibly my stance on this is irrelevant. But taking into account the time I've put into the fandom.... I don't usually generate close connections with famous people, I always feel like they're about to make a mistake. Because we are human, and nobody deserves a pedestal. But it was something I almost did for Neil, especially after the post I made when I was in a crisis, that ridiculous "if this has x notes I do y thing" post.

and I guess I'm never going to be able to see the fact of Neil reblogging that post in any way other than "hey, maybe without that I wouldn't be here".

But there's no way I can keep my mouth shut on this, SA is an extremely touchy subject for me, and I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling right now. What am I supposed to do? Abandon this blog? Delete it?

Good omens is part of my life on an immense level.

It's on most of my tumblr, Crowley is my profile picture on TOO MANY things, Crowley and Aziraphale are my favourite couple of all time, basically my definition of the best fictional relationship.

And now all of that is mixed in with what's currently going on.

I don't know if I'm going to leave the fandom or not, but I do know that I possibly need to spend a few days or weeks assessing the situation.

I love you guys, if you decided to follow me here, I really do. I adore you. I love this blog, it's one of my favourite things in the world. But now every time I think about it, I realise that it's a little too close to home.

I hope the situation moves forward as well as possible, that it is resolved with the truth...

And I want to make it clear, it shouldn't be me, the 22 year old, who is saying that someone my age dating a person 20 years older is incorrect

Even if it is a consensual relationship, it should not be that it is considered a correct course of action.

I say that as the 14 year old who thought they were an adult, as the teenager who was convinced they were mature (I wasn't). And even though I now feel that I am 100% aware of my situation, and 100% capable of making the right decisions, I wouldn't be surprised if in 10 years I discover that my worldview was fucking wrong.

I say that as the 22 year old who is fucking obsessed with Michael Sheen, who has seen an immense amount of stuff just because he's in it. I shouldn't be the one to say that if the situation were to arise, it would be fucking wrong of him for anything to happen (This is nothing against Michael, he is simply the only actor who has ever interested me in that way)

If it turns out that the allegations are true, it's horrible

If it turns out they're not, Neil, please date someone your own age, PLEASE

NOT WITH GIRLS

Having finished that, I want to talk a bit more about the fandom itself. I'm not telling you that we should leave fandom, or anything. And I understand if there are those who have compelling reasons to stay, I have no problem with that and I understand that. I've had experience with deciding whether or not to leave a fandom.

What I will ask is that you please consider acknowledging the fact that the ages of the people involved in these relationships alone is questionable, and the possibility that it was without consent makes it even worse.

I'm not asking you to smash or burn anything with Neil's name on it, but please think about it.

Is there a chance it's a fake? Yes, but please consider supporting the victims, because it is a fact that victims of SA are often categorised as liars

Just... acknowledging what is happening is better than pretending it is not happening

That's why I'm doing this

It happened, this is my situation at the moment, I'm going to take some time to think about it

[purpurussy]

literally haven't eaten anything all day (it's gone 7pm) or been outside in several days or slept more than 4 hours/night in the last week so im probably just being insane for no reason atm but

i feel like I'm at a weird sort of crossroads with this blog?

when i made this account i saw it as kind of an experiment in vulnerability and positivity. i said i'm gonna try my best to post what's in my heart and not care whether it does numbers or not. if people like it they like it, if not that's okay because i like it and i'm having fun. and i'm gonna practise some kind of general radical positivity/acceptance towards others too. like i promised myself i would not allow this to be anything other than a positive experience, a nice opportunity to express myself in a way that's disconnected from how people see me irl and maybe connect with likeminded people along the way

and once i started writing fic i literally couldn't stop, like the idea of being able to share my writing and have other people enjoy it too is so exciting and motivating to me. there is so much happening in my google docs atm and it feels so good to be writing again after years of feeling too depressed to create anything

however unfortunately i am the grumpiest most insecure person on earth and i have never let go of anything in my life. i've already been unable to stop myself from wading into discourse™ and the general social media fomo/insecurity is starting to get to me. like when did i go from just gleefully shouting into the void, to constantly checking my activity, trying to figure out the best times to post, literally crying when my stuff doesn't do as well as i wanted it to??? taking note of which posts flopped and which ones did well, so i can post more of the popular content instead of just posting what i want. none of this is even real, yet it's been bothering me in a very real way. most of which is just my brain turning it into a negative experience for fully self-imposed reasons

i do think social media is poison in general. and i know it does not work at all for someone who is very prone to having a complete menty b at the first sign of any kind of rejection. and i know a big part of the problem is that i'm attaching too much value to this blog and how people respond to my posts (I have been connecting with my friends irl more lately, but social media is literally designed to prey on the part of your brain that perceives social rejection as a threat to your existence so unfortunately it feels like this matters to me a lot more than it should. also my irls do not want to hear about dan and phil lmao)

idk if i should just accept that this is not good for me and delete, or if it's possible to once again achieve the carefree fun i was having at first. maybe if i can work on my irl issues i'll start to feel a bit better and then it won't bother me as much?

i'm also sort of wondering how much i should reveal about myself? like i want to feel completely free to post as much cringe/insanity/weird smut as I want. and if i was posting in a way that would be easily traceable back to my actual identity then i'd definitely be a lot more careful with what i say. but on the other hand i wanna get to know people better! it would be fun to hop into a discord and actually have a conversation with people rather than just rambling in the tags on their posts. so i'm not really sure what to do with that either. it's kinda fun to truly exist as a completely formless entity in a way, like im literally just tumblr dot com slash purpurussy and there's something freeing about that, even if it does make me feel like i'm missing out on a chance to connect with people properly sometimes

also that idea scares me! everyone on here is genuinely so cool and wonderful and it gives me such a huge dopamime hit when someone i admire likes my stuff. so it's just scary to interact with people more because it feels like oh no they're gonna realize im actually a cantankerous little troll that lives under a bridge and is a nightmare to talk to lmfao

this makes no sense and i'll probably delete it in a bit i just had to get it off my chest

[4-hour-naps]

About Me

Hellooo friend! You can call me Naps ♥ I do not have the mindspace to have multiple blogs, so this is going to be whatever it is. Right now my main fixation is bsd but I am going to post other stuff too. I make silly little drawings and dumb jokes.

Content to expect

While I tend to post wholesome content, I will still from time to time post stuff that relates to heavier topics. I will add tw tags and tw at the top of my posts. If I miss anything you think should be tagged please tell me. I won't be posting anything that is sexually explicit just maybe suggestive. I will also be cussing most likely. I have or will likely mention: typical dazai suicidal behavior, depression, ptsd, pmdd

Do what you got to do to keep yourself safe. I hope this helps you make the right choice.  ♡

Asks

If you like my doodles/drawings and want to request one I would love to draw it for you. I can't promise I will be quick but I love making little drawings for y'all (:

I love love love the 'bsd characters supporting you <3' series thing I have been doing, so if you have ideas for those I'd love to hear it. But also you can ask me anything.

My dms are open too! Feel free to reach out ♡

Tagging, other projects, and such under here :)

Tagging

bsdrewatch2023 assushi count: what will be tallied -> #assushi

supportive bsd content like: Kunikida reminding you to take care of yourself -> #bsd character supporting you <3

silly scribbly bsd comics like: sskk take a brief intermission -> #naps bsd comics

bsd themed digital planner pages -> #bsd planner

my doodles -> #naps doodles

everything I've drawn -> #naps draws

autobio comics -> #naps self comics

projects im working on (haven't started yet but planning on very soon) -> #naps codes

random thoughts -> #nap talking (get it like sleep talking.. very dad joke of me)

lol I also have a tag for myself with all my sskk reblogs just cause ... well you know -> #one thing about me is ima reblog sskk fanart :)

Coding Projects

I have a couple coding projects in mind that are bsd related. I just made a side github and figma account lol. I will post about them soon. I am just adding now because I will forget. (So far I am thinking of making a dashboard for assushi data lol and also I want to make a website to create your own gifs out of drawings I make, hopefully soon to come) My github: 4-hour-naps

and also

thank you for reading all this!

All of you are so talented and have such beautiful minds. I'm always amazed by other's art on here or laughing at y'alls silly posts. I am still kind of new to tumblr and tumblr culture, but this bsd side of the internet is fun. I like y'all lol. I want you to know if you reblog my drawings with tags I read that like 5 million times it makes me so happy. Thank you it means a lot that you like these scribbles.

Also I was active on tiktok with this same user. My account is still up, but I’ve deleted the app. So sorry if you were following me on there, I probs wont post again.

sending you all my love ♡*:･ﾟ✧*♡:･ﾟ✧���

last updated: 12/11/23

[scarletanpan]

…

That remote-connection-required GitHub program for my school work had me tweaking so hard i. Impulse bought a laptop yesterday. I have been trying to get one for a few years for school bc my tower is so old and struggles and it’d be nice to be able to take my computer anywhere else so I’m not at home 24/7 bc that’s been killing me for years so like. Had to dig into my savings but it’s still a cheap laptop I just needed it to have decent functionality and after being completely unable to get into it without connecting my Microsoft account I then spent hours uninstalling useless programs and turning off all the dumb sponsors and notifications and random ui features that look atrocious bc I forgot windows 11 existed I was still on 10.

This shit fucking sucks so bad every ten seconds Microsoft is begging u to give them every ounce of your information like it’s not even funny. It’s v easy to click into connecting everything u own to ur computer and like i really don’t care if it’s useful go ahead, but like I’m not tryna do all that. Like can I not just. Use the computer?? Maybe without the system constantly saying how much worse my experience is without one. Like no offense I doubt there’s regulations bc no one would think to fucking do it but it should not be legal to require users to sign up to a service to access their own fucking computer they bought. It literally says if u want to use a local account u can, but after u sign in. So now even tho I’ve tried to delete every trace of my email and removed the original account microsoft edge prompts me with it for sign-in when I open it and no option to delete. So they still have my info even tho I didn’t want to give it to them

And ofc they’re a tech company they need data from users to function but if u don’t glance in the settings there’s a lot of extra ones, to the point that I had to take a break from reading them. Like there’s that fucking many and the ui does way too much back and forth that makes it genuinely exhausting to navigate which is. Interesting

The part that frustrates me the most is that there are now so many random buttons and links on the sidebar every single program in order to redirect to some other microsoft-related features that I can barely tell what I’m navigating sometimes. Everything looks the fucking same, I’m trapped in a fucking soft-edge minimalist window nightmare and it makes me nauseous i think

Might be the only one who feels this way but spending a few hundreds dollars on a brand new computer and then logging in to see the desktop covered with every single possible program (or phone app) u might ever want or need transmuted into this bare, technically functional microsoft void that’s still somehow missing most basic features any active user would need and also can’t be uninstalled w/o settings windows 10 and 11 intentionally removed makes me want to crumble into a ball and die maybe. It’s not hard to add it back but. Just baffling how manipulative the design of the entire system is like. This computer hates my fucking guts for not using its features

Oh and the github shit didn’t work either. Just got to watch it rebuild faster. One of the tech guys on my support case told me the move to github was a v sudden deployment they were rushed into and has lead to tons of issues like this. Which of course, I assumed bc it was Not like this last semester but wow. Love to see tech companies fucking over their workers and the quality of their platform for a deal. Like why is tech annoying and depressing and fucking me in so many ways this isn’t good for my future which I hoped would be tech-centered. It will be anyway I just know I’m gonna be mad abt the stupid fucking ways ppl run their businesses the whole time

[demented-tours]

The project is simple: Dear World Rage Box. One photo, one text dump. Raw thoughts. Minimum editing. Fuck typos. Fuck perfection. No masking/curbing/appeasing. No apologies. I don't care how this sounds. Not sure why it needs to be public. Maybe it always won't. Maybe I delete these ten seconds after I post them. Maybe I print them out and make fucking wallpaper. Not creating yet another account for this, either. I've officially forgotten too many versions of myself to add another.

///

Dear World 1,

A half hour before my therapy appointment yesterday I learned my mother's stage 3 endometrial cancer might be back. My first response wasn't about her. It was about me.

How the fuck am I going to carry the weight of my mother's illness again? It almost did me in the first time. I was just starting to find energy/strength/reserves to feel ready for what's next.

Those doors didn't slam. But they creaked toward closed like a bad horror video game.

I don't know how to do all of it at once: deal with her co-dependency, her shut down, her undiagnosed everything and my long list of illnesses that I regularly use as a shield from her (from a lot of things) because it was the only boundary I had for decades. Because I didn't know what boundaries were. Felt like. Could do. Should do.

Some people are born to fight. I think I was born to defend. It's how I've never lost a game of chess. I just run the board until there's nothing left. Even if you might win, it'll take so long and be so painful you'll wish you'd just put down your king on move 2.

During the appointment, I told my therapist about the day I had last week which was--and I called it this--one of the top 3 worst days of this year. At least, so far. It can definitely always get worse.

I tell her I'm worried I'm depressed. I'm worried I've been depressed for a while. I tell her about Mom and about the day last week. I tell her these stories with my usual sprinkling of humor. Because I have to let her know Oh, yeah, even though it's awful I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay.

I'm not fucking okay.

She wants to circle back to the depression. Her use of language made me think of work which made me hate from my core being again. She asked me questions. I knew I wasn't going to answer the right way. She both could and could not tell me what I was experiencing was depression. I don't wish for depression. I wish not to have to justify whatever the fuck I'm feeling.

It's bad enough to have to justify my autism to my own mother. It's bad enough that every other week or so, I discover some other way my life was fucked up, and I see how I've defended it or transmuted it or run from it or hidden it because if I make other people feel more comfortable, then I win, right?

I feel myself on the brink of full melt down. I know now that these aren't panic attacks. They aren't me just being difficult. They aren't me being suicidal, despite the fact that they literally make me feel like what is boiling inside me is actually going to kill me.

My ambiguity over allowing that to happen still baffles me.

I got mad. My anger is my sharpest weapon. It was honed on the active battle field of my childhood. People who know me know this. People who know me who have experienced my anger first hand either know how to duck or left a cloud of dust as they ran. If you know me and don't know my rage, then you just don't know me.

that's okay. I wouldn't want to know me, either.

(Fuck. Editing. Stop that. Type, goddamn you.)

I got mad. My therapist got uneasy. Suddenly what she thinks and believes and hopes to do no longer applies. She tells me that the reason I may be so exhausted is I'm fighting the very feelings I tell her I have no interest in feeling.

I come at her. "So what?"

I see when that hits. I feel how that lands. Even though a screen. I hate that I'm this attuned instrument for feelings for a 1000 square mile emotional radius. I don't want my own. I definitely don't want yours.

But so what if it's exhausting not to feel it. It feels like death if I do. I feel backed into a corner, asked to defend a depression she seems simultaneously concerned I might have and certain I don't. I didn't want to bring it up to debate it. I brought it up to work on it.

I forgot there's a script she has to run when that word gets dropped into the session. I forgot how tired neurotypical scripts make me.

Nah, it's not holding back the emotions making me tired. It's living in the world that cause them that's doing me in.

Or both.

She speaks. I speak. I find some measure of calm. Less because I want it and more because she clearly wants me to find it. She tells me maybe it's time to find another therapist for autism. She can come with me, she says, but she doesn't have the tools to help me.

Yeah. I know that. But I've spent six years growing this sparse-ass garden of trust between us, and now you're telling me nothing else is gonna grow.

I've already looked into it. I've already found faces that seem kind. I've already thought this. I've already starting reading. I've already been doing research on what the fuck I might actually be for years, now.

But it still felt like another person supposed to help me who basically said I was too much once they catch a glimpse of this iceberg under the surface they thought they knew.

Which is shitty. But expected.

Today I saw this TIkTok wherein the narrator explains to me that he cannot trust his perceptions of the world when he's tired. He expounds on to say don't trust your thoughts when you're stressed/tired/hungry/hurting. They're tainted. Observe and let go.

Also talks about taking all the negative thoughts and bundling them into a single problem. Because then you don't have ten problems; you have one. And likely you've faced it before.

His problem was running out of time.

That video helped me more than the entire session with therapist. Maybe helped me more than the last ten. I don't want to do the math on how much I've paid for a glorified distraction and master class on masking just enough to make my therapist comfortable, but my brain's already done it.

Runaway train.

I also stumbled into some art student video content with horror-like elements that felt like visiting my dark thoughts generator and hearing some of the shit it says.

The algorithm might be evil, but sometimes evil is still right.

We don't know if it's cancer.

Fuck liminal spaces.

Fuck this year. Fuck thinking it'll get better. And fuck the fact that at the end of yesterday's session, I settled on, "Fine, I guess it's not depression. I guess I'll just say I'm chronically sad."

Apparently, that's situationally appropriate.

I hate that I agree.

I hate that part of me doesn't.

I want to burn something down.

/D

Photo: Wrecked tub. The cold water handle disintegrated in my hand after I tried to run it to fix another problem that didn't actually exist. The plumbing was welded into the wrong lines. It was a "Goddamned nightmare." Keep buying parts and finding more are missing. Felt like me.

[mightbelola]

Why I Didn’t Tell

Back in 2021, I had a bad baby fever. I saw babies on Instagram everywhere and I would stare at every single baby video that crossed on my feed, every day for weeks. There was one lady that I followed, she was pregnant with her first child. I followed every update on her pregnancy journey. There was one photo of her holding her baby bump. Even though I was really happy for her, because she seemed like a really nice person and deserving of good things in the world, a small part of me was feeling some type of way. I asked, “When will it be me?” and I had wished that it was me in that photo. I quickly turned off Instagram whenever my feelings get all weird. I logged back in after a while. I went to her page, and to my shock, she had lost her baby. She was 9 months along. When she got to the hospital for labor, the nurses couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat. The baby had died in the womb. She had to deliver the baby normally knowing that the baby’s gone. I was so saddened by it. I couldn’t imagine how she must have felt and I felt so guilty for feeling the way that I was. I felt like I had given her the evil eye. I felt that because I was envious, I somehow caused this loss. I believe in evil eye, so right after that I deleted my Instagram account forever. I decided to live privately. I felt like it’s better for me mentally, and it was.

When I got pregnant with my twins, I was really excited I wanted to tell everyone I know and care about, but I got scared. My mind immediately thought of losing my babies the same way. I imagined the worst scenario that could happen. I could see the end as it began. I was afraid, and anxious the whole time. I was also very sick for the first three months I could barely do anything. I wanted to protect myself and my children from evil eye, or any harm, so I decided to wait until at-least I make it into the second trimester of the pregnancy. That’s when the pregnancy is strong and the rate of miscarriage is low. So after 5 months, I was feeling a bit better and I was confident to tell people. I started telling people I saw along the way and they congratulated me. For some people, they only knew I was pregnant for a week, because a week after I told them, I went into labour too early and I lost my twins.

I was always thinking, “I don’t know how I would cope if I didn’t get to keep them.”

One night I was really anxious. I prayed to Allah for Him to let me keep them, because I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t get to keep them. There was a small voice in my head that said, “but Allah is your guidance. He would help you cope, if He wills.”

I refused to listen to that and just said, “I don’t want that to ever happen. Please, let me keep my children, I’ll do anything,” knowing in the back of my mind, that Allah would test my faith, taking them away, and that is better for me, that He knows what’s better for me, and I have to believe Him, even if it means losing my children.

Funny enough, my exact fear happened. It’s not as bad as I imagined. I imagined myself being so depressed, and helpless. I am depressed but I am not helpless. I am still standing on my feet, living my life as best as I can be. I am coping and improving and I believe it’s all Allah’s guidance, and He’s trying to teach me something.

I thought it’s the evil eye that took my love away from me or perhaps, it’s my own mind, maybe I manifested it. I was so scared of losing them, I became obsessive when nothing in the world is ever mine. I should accept that we all belong to the Creator, nothing belongs to me. Be it evil eye or my rotten mind, it’s Him who took them away from me.

I learned that I shouldn’t be afraid of evil eye, or anything at all because what I should’ve done is, to put my trust in Him, that if He really wanted me to have the twins, He would’ve let me, but He didn’t. I should’ve believed I’d be okay either way because as long as I ask for guidance, and patience, in despair, He would listen and help me as long as I keep my faith.

So maybe I’ll do it differently next time when I get pregnant again. I can tell people right away, and they can pray for me. I wouldn’t worry anymore because now I’ve got nothing else to lose, because again, nothing is mine, nothing in the world belongs to me, not even myself. So might as well stop worrying, enjoy when I have it, and make the best life out of it.

I guess.

[sphericalbee]

bro if either of my irls see this i will look crazy pahtetic idk maybe ill delete iti should probably just leaves this ini the drafts

im pretty pathetic irl anyway i think lol wo who carse

im thinking ab my middle school best friend and i miss her so much it isnt even funny

idk if i was her best friend but i always loved her so much and i think about her almost every day even 2 years later

ik she wasnt doing well and she didnt come from a good home and was awful at managing her emotions and didnt talk to anyone and she would sh (i only know ab bc of some complicated secret poetry thing but she never knew i had seen that but i think she meant me to) and i think she cared about me? i kinda hope not bc i want her to be happy

but i would genuinely give anything to go back in time and talk to her again for just a few hours

i want to text her and tell her everything but idk its too weird after 2 years

i think she deserves to know how much i care about her,, right?

i had to pause twice writing this bc i was crying too hard i worry about her so much

its good im godo at crying silently lol no one can even tell so sneaky

i saw a girl with the same hair as her last week and i teared up in the middle of the hallway because it hit me how much i dont know what shes doing or if shes even alive bc i KNOW hse wasnt fucknig donig well

my cat was trying to comfort me but i think he got bored and left he's so cute lmfoa my brain made it into a very angsty analogy b4 i had the chance to stop it 💀

im this close to cracking and spam texting her

i googled her just now and found her linkedin profile of fucking course shes on linkedin thats so inc harecetr where she says she wants to go to medical school and she uses fucking stupid old words like candor and idk i hope she gets into her dream college

im sure she can she was always so smart i thknk shell do rly well and maybe one day shell perform open heart surgery on me lol that would be baller

"I believe in honesty because it creates an environment that permits integrity. Allowing for candor leads to an honorable work space. Integrity is an essential value to have as it holds all to a high ethical standard. Integrity adds trust, which is necessary for professionalism. I plan to enroll in a four-year college for a master's degree to study biochemistry. I then intend to go to medical school and earn a doctorate."

she fucking talked like that even at 13 yeah and she liked running and read all the time and she loved gamed of thrones and i still own one of her shitty books and we met when she was challenging classmates to race and she was so tall and had pretty hair

sophia im sorry for crying i think it would make her uncomfortable haha

i have fucking snot on my face now shed forsure be uncomfortable lmfaoo

ill go watch some tv show and try not to burst into tears again in 10 minutes ugh maybe it would be better if i had stayed depressed having this many feelings is driving me crazy why r u here bro : /

i should make a secret vent account LMFAO my followers r here for ohshc and mq not sob stories sorry sorry

[krowspiracyanon]

I post about AO3 and have casually lurked but... don't actually have an account and am not quite familiar. Never fully ventured in.

Wondering if I should still bite the bullet and make an account just in case. Maybe it's time to at least read through the terms and conditions and see whether or not I want to ask for an invite.

It's another fandom site I somewhat know of, and for want of a better word, seems more 'reputable' than others. However it's still governed by US law and would be affected by the passing of KOSA.

I'm not familiar at all with other sites that are being suggested as Tumblr alternatives (cohost, Dreamwidth, Bluesky, Toyhouse) and don't know what I'd be getting into there in terms of who owns my posted stuff, other legalities, hosting, digital safety, or the culture around and management of harassment.

I think Deviant Art and other fanfic sites may be less active, host more AI content, or be prone to getting scraped. Wattpad doesn't seem like something I'd be interested in.

Livejournal is apparently against being scraped... It's probably long dead but hell, I'm willing to have a go and learn its idiosyncrasies as long as there's a safe little crevice to bunker down in and a few crumbs to subsist on. However... it's now owned and hosted in Russia, conforming to Russian law? Not very LGBTIA+ friendly I imagine.

Discord is a no.

I'm still processing, weighing up what my options are, and deciding how to respond to everything that's going on.

I don't currently have any concrete plans to leave or delete Tumblr. And this hellsite is like a cockroach that just won't die. But I am really thinking hard about the direction it's been steadily going in and has now sharply veered into. Not good.

It'd be a shame if I randomly got banned or just stopped feeling okay to be here and lost touch with the little niche indie communities I've been participating in. They're a nice breather when meatspace can be quite hostile and discriminatory.

I really wonder if things go further to shit whether those blogs might just become less active as people leave, whether indie artists devs and fans might settle in a different platform, or if everyone will kind of just scatter and dissipate.

It's a depressing thought.

I'm still working on fixing the old desktop for Nightshade/Glaze and will organise WebGlaze if I can't. Or, things being how they are with me, I might take a break from creating or sharing for now.

[albtrosz]

.

listening to julien talk about rejecting texting and facetiming and about focusing on living in a direct community with people you can see and provide physical and tangible help. like... i'm so tired of living in a world in which so much depends on our phones. firstly, it's so much more interesting the idea of having a direct and physical community or person around you, and talking to this person directly, and doing things with this person directly. i think it has so much more, i don't know, effect, than when something happens only through text and internet. listen, i know of the fact that a lot of people have made meaningful connections online, i have, and, i also know how this way of communicating has been a lifesaver for a lot of people because they may have multiple reasons as to why they like communicating and meeting people and forming meaningful connections through the internet. this is just a big ass rant because i'm truly exhausted.

as in... if only we had a choice. we have no choice, i mean, we kinda do, but then there's the part in which if i throw my phone in the toilet like i wanted to do many times because i'm this tired i'll be isolated and incommunicable. and then i'll become depressed. i think this is part of why it makes me so upset, it's that human relationships now can mostly if not entirely happen through a phone essentially. if you want to meet someone, if you want to have sex, well, you'll need to download a dating app!

it's so suffocating because, at some point, i would have a computer and i could turn it off and that would be the end of it, but now we're stuck with this thing that has to be with us all the time. there's no turning it off anymore, i can't log off anymore, and it feels like a prison.

it's funny because sometimes i'm like oh, you know, i'm feeling so good right now and i think if i posted something on instagram, some photo of my face or i'm feeling proud of my arms and all i'd get some validation of that but since i hate instagram, i hate showing myself around on the internet generally, i don't do it and then i feel weird because i could've gotten this validation. i could post a picture and someone would compliment me and that would maybe make me feel good, but i don't really want to do that so i'm choosing not to.

again, this is a rant of someone who just couldn't get used to consistently interacting with people through the internet. i guess my point with all that is, to me, physical direct community, being able to be around someone, is irreplaceable and i'm just tired that i need a phone to maintain my relationships and i absolutely hate texting and talking through a text. even though i have social anxiety, so i guess i should feel good about how things are because i get to have a time to think better about what i'm gonna say and to deliver a better, i don't know, perception of me. while in person you don't really have a time to think and rethink, you have to come up with things on the go. to summarize, i can't quite deal with how i can't just delete my account on a messaging app, i have to consistently be with a phone on my hands so i can talk to people, it's just... i don't know, dude. i wish i could just get rid of all social media and messaging apps and all except tumblr and that's that. also, to me, it's so lonely that things are like this. not having people around me and communicating to people through text is rather lonely.

[through-being-a-christian]

i’ve never really Told my testimony before, because i’m not sure how much of one it is to even be called one?

but this my story / testimony(?), but vague enough for privacy:

I grew up in church, always dressed up and whatnot by my mom for Sunday school and our church’s biblical version of Boy/Girl Scouts. And being honest, I don’t remember much of these years ( Not for any bad reason I assure you!!! ), because I was young and had/have bad memory about the mundane parts of my childhood. I think that I believed in God? But maybe I only did because that’s what my family and friends all believed in, but I’ll never be sure.

When I moved states in 2016, I was probably cursing God because “How could He do this to me? To rip me from my friends and family so suddenly? (it was a period of a few months btw). I’ll never recover from this and will never forgive my parents >:(“ I lost all my friends and family in a matter of months, and was forced to make new friends at this prison-like middle school all alone, knowing absolutely no one and being so alone. This was probably when my depression started to make its way into my mind. I would like to mention in advance that I have been diagnosed with ADHD and General Anxiety Disorder since just before the Move.

I would say seventh grade is when I realized I was apart of the LGBTQ+ community, and this was a big realization. I wasn’t unaware of the community, my uncles were gay and they were married, so why would I have a problem with it? Then the Internet told me the whole “The Bible says its a Sin and its best not to associate with Christians as a queer” debacle (Not even going to talk about Westboro like dang). And that is probably when I started to question my faith.

I was listening to the anti-religious queer users online, and never looked at the Christian side of the argument, and yet I was trying to decide what I’d devote my time to. It ended up that I decided I was going to live for myself, not for others, and certainly not for God. The only reason I was still going to youth group, and church in general, at this point was because I had made a really close friend. That should be great, right? Except looking back, she only enabled and encouraged my turn to witchcraft in high school.

In high school, I was so deep into social media under the name Haelea because my name wasn’t “given to me with consent,” and I had started an altar and began my journey down witchcraft while simultaneously still going to church and hiding this massive secret of magick and queerness from my parents and family (big mistake obviously). I kept it going, and didn’t look back at what I Thought would (not actively Was) going to cause me pain when I would come out.

Then Covid hit. First round of quarantine was fine, because I had time to improve myself and improve my knowledge and craft, and I did some spells that ended up working (self-love spells due to insecurities). Summer was great too. Then fall came, and my mom’s Snapchat recommended my account to her. (I was NEVER allowed social media, and I never knew how to delete that snap account after one month of having it). She was pissed as all of everything. Came into my room (while watching TikTok mind you), asked for my phone, and left. I cried in my bathroom for however long it was, and thinking back I think it was my first anxiety attack.

As practically a digital citizen at that point, I was dying and crying without my phone and access to the internet. I was already years into s*icidal ideation, and for a moment I really truly considered it. Never had the guts nor balls to do it, even before this point. But in the state I lived in, it was entirely legal for parents to kick their kids out for being gay, and I was so terrified of being homeless that I started thinking of ways to get It done fast.

Skip some time, and part of the deal to get my phone back was by going to church, and being able to explain What was being preached during service. Essentially I was being quizzed on church. Eventually I had good behavior enough that I earned back my phone, only now it had a parental-controlled VPN and no internet access. I could call, text, or play mobile games that didn’t need wifi or internet. I was no longer netizen Haelea, I was just American Me.

Do I regret going behind my parents backs and lying for five years? Of course I do, but I felt most guilty because I didn’t follow one of the Ten Commandments of “Honor thy father and mother,” because now (still selfishly thinking), I would never “live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you” (Ex 20:12).

It took a while, but by junior year I started believing again, and I was repenting so much, but not for selfish reasons anymore. Briefly junior year, I joined my school’s color guard, and made a new family that I could discuss religion with, and I think that helped one person go deeper (maybe not, maybe it was the Spirit working) and it helped me go deeper. I was going to church because I wanted to now, not because my parents made me. I wanted to go so I could learn for myself. I would go so that I could experience the community we as Christians are called to live. I learned so much that year, and I am eternally grateful for the Spirit to move me so much towards returning to the church of our Lord. This one university, the Christian one i attend, kept advertising at my high school, and I decided to visit as many of their meetings as I could. Not necessarily to dedicate my college-life to this school, but to open my mind to more than public or state-run schools.

Then senior year is when it became hard again, but not in a non-believing or witchcraft way. It became hard from asking “Why? Why is this happening? Why are you making this difficult?” At this point, I had to start enrolling in universities so I could graduate. The school mentioned previously, I almost didn’t apply to. I almost solely applied to state universities because of their acceptance rates being more doable for my low-academic-mind. I almost went to my state school too, because that’s where my friends were going. Why would I want to start anew all alone again?

Anyways I’m at the Christian university after a split second “No. Let’s dedicate myself to a Christian education. They have multitudes of degrees anyways, so I’m not limited to Bible study or ministry work if that is not what I am being called to do. If I am, great. If not, I’m still here and dedicated.” Somehow this surprised my parents. I think they expected me to choose the school with my friends and cheaper tuition because I have familial financial insecurity even though they tried to make sure I never noticed. They still want me to have the “full college experience” and so I am in a dorm on campus. I have a Biblical study class taught by a Dr, and it has helped my faith grow steadier than before.

This was my story, and we are caught up to the present. This blog is to document my journey and the difficulties I have and will deal with in my faith in Christianity.

I do not judge, because I will be judged (Rev. 20:12).

I care because I am called to love and show compassion (1 Cor. 13:4-10) (John 11:41).

I believe because God is good, and there is no doubt to be had in His plan.

I will struggle, and I will fall, and I will stray from the path. But I have to try my darnedest to stay on path and to get back up and regain balance. If I do not try, then I will have don’t nothing with this life intended of worship that He has gifted to me. I will be unworthy of his love if I do not try to follow.

As of now, I stand in my faith, even if it is more of sand than stone that reaches my chest. Beneath the sand is the foundation, and I will wait for the sand to blow away to reveal the stone that which my life was built upon. I will stand as sturdy as I can.

Thank you for reading. May your day/afternoon/night be blessed, and I will pray as well as I can for you.

Sincerely, Me.

[3ammonologue]

notes on meltdown april 11

Meltdown 

Bipolar

Dance 

Bij 

Mom brought up

Fine conversation

But then triggered me 

For the squandered opportunity/life regret chance

Biggest heartbreak of my life

Mom brought up she saw her with gray hair dancing on ig 

Started face hit upstairs and then went downstairs and screamed etc. 

Came downstairs and screamed into pillow in guest room

But then I looked at bs’ instagram and she posted about a dance workshop with various international students

Makes me want to kill myself 

Looked at her new upgraded website and there is an edu section

My website is still up but obsolete 

Even before this in the afternoon

I was doing my 15 min cardio (made it to 5) and I was thinking after I get better then I will message them abt classes again

Seeing her ig/posts/website/students/bahama student etc/ 

Made me feel sick to my stomach 

Anxiety

Did face hitting and shrieking (and recorded it)

Did search history for Odissi (176ish) and deleted it from my search history. Did same for Bharatanatyam (but should write about the shijith show)….

Then searched 2nd chance things

Then showered 

in shower started thinking about my suicide note!!

Will shower again

Earlier in afternoon took .5 Xanax

Then took 1 Xanax and showered 

My heart is still beeating fast 

I was supposed to finish the website work today but idk now my meltdown!! I have to finish it !! Maybe I should stay up 

Don’t know what else to do to calm down besides scream/shower/xanax….need to start running from now on

Need to calm down

I already started dreaming in the shower about asking sr.la about the email and advice/re

Already dreaming in the shower abt my choreo (was thinking I will listen to the Tarana music rn but not sure if it will help or depress…will try for 2 min and see) 

Going to read the 2nd chance articles now 

Now came into the dark med room with headphones 

Need to calm down and then work

Need to unfollow ballet accounts too on ig 

Shouldn’t have looked her up…there is a reason I unfollowed…

Looking for bipolar calm down YouTube music 

Meeting with boss tomorrow 1pm 

Meeting with therapist tomorrow 2pm 

Listening to BV Tarana now 3 min…

…well I knew in the first 1 min that it wouldn’t improve me…but I listened to the whole thing….I can see my choreo in my mind’s eye….

Now my heart is feeling anxiety 

Plan: 

Listen to binaural for 10 min and skim the articles

Try to work for 15 min….more if I can concentrate 

I’m twitching again 

Feel like slapping myself 

——

What can I do — srla 

Neuro followed by 1 year of physical injuries

All I could think in the hospital 

Sometimes dance makes me happy — kalkika stutee vibes around

— biggest regret of my life 

——————

“f you’re afraid of appearing needy, there’s a strong likelihood you’re scared about the prospect of this relationship ending.”

 “I've been thinking about what happened and I've come up with three reasons why I want to give this another shot. Let me share them with you

People can learn from their mistakes—and when you give them a second opportunity, you allow them to demonstrate this. It's practical and saves emotional energy. You gave your mechanic the job of fixing a defective valve and now it's broken again.Aug 2, 2016

Choose A Good Time To Apologize

Create Specific Plan For Improvement

don’t just tell managers that you will improve, tell them how

Getting a second chance is a matter of trust

—— 

5 min over but still skimming

——

I know that I have no right to ask you for a second chance, but I promise that I have addressed the source of the problem and that I am taking the following steps to correct it and ensure that it never happens again

Be early: TBe concise in describing your situation:Be specific in what you are asking forPut the onus on yourself:Be willing to take an incomplete for the course:

Thank your professor for their time in considering your request:

——

Don’t really think this all helped me

Its 9:15 now

My usual get in bed time frame…

I wanted to work from 7pm-11pm today

But now I guess I will give myself 30 min (10 min intervals) between now and 3.5 hrs and then a relaxation between before going to bed at 1am

https://imgur.com/a/SgzTQGL

----- update: 

Its 11:19 and I didn’t do a single line on the work doc

[sp00kysk3lly]

Experiment “Go Missing” Day Two

Date: 30th January 2023

Time: 00:00 30/01/23 - 00:00 31/01/23

13:04 - woke up, no one has sent me any messages. It’s hard, because I know exactly when everyone wakes up and right now they would have been up for 4 hours. So, their friend who has told them that they’re really down, at their lowest point, hasn’t spoken since Saturday 28th January and they don’t see nothing wrong with that?

15:31 - 3 hours since waking and still nothing. Looks like it’s going to be another day where no one bothers. How do they know I’m not dead? How do they know I haven’t committed su*c*de? I could be dead or missing and not one “friend” cares. Glad I am so popular and wanted. This why I wish I never had friends EVER! I should have stayed away from them all and then I’d never have been hurt. I wouldn’t even know what lonely is! Id be happy and contempt by myself, but life ruins you and makes you need and want things that aren’t meant to happen for certain people.

18:31 - Still nothing. I’m so glad that I have learned I have absolutely NO ONE! All I have left is my thoughts and my stories. That’s it. Maybe I wasn’t suppose to have friends? Maybe I was always meant to be alone? It makes sense. No one’s ever really stayed around me for too long. I’ve never had any friends in school, no one really liked me enough. They all just bullied me or made me do something to keep them laughing in class.

19:39 - 4 hours 20 minutes until the end of the day and I don’t think anyone is going to bother in that time. It just hurts that it’s nearly been 2 days and not one person has messaged me. It’s that bad that I’m not eating now because my depression is getting worse. I’ve been sleeping most of the day as well. I just wish I had someone that was always there. But maybe this proves to me that maybe I should just go away completely. What pisses me off more is the fact that I gave them my Disney+ details so they could watch stuff. Thinking about changing the password and removing their account. They don’t realise that I had to lie to my mum about that. And they know what my family is like! They knew I could get into a yelling match with my mum over it.

21:00 - Well, I guess that’s it then. The day is pretty much OVER! I guess this proves I do not have any friends. More proof I am not allowed anything, I’m not allowed friends, love, a normal life. Happy new fucking year!

23:00 - 1 hour to go until the end of Day 2 of this experiment. No contact with anyone and I’m honestly thinking about ending this experiment early. What’s the point? What is the point in keeping it going for a week, when I have all the proof I need? I don’t know yet. I’m certainly not feeling ok. I’m not eating and I feel sick, most likely due to stress. I don’t know anymore. I’ve got all the proof I need. They have an hour left of day 2 and if not, I’m sure I’ll make up my mind tomorrow morning.

00:07 - Well, Day Two… is over and still nothing. Fuck them. I knew I should have went with my gut instinct! I knew it. I knew I shouldn’t have believed them when they said we were friends and I could trust them. I just knew it. I should have believed myself and my thoughts when I heard those stupid words.

Conclusion for Day 2 - I have no words. I’m getting sick from the stress and the depression. I think we can all guess what I am going to be doing tonight… I guess I’ll decide whether to end this experiment early.

Decide whether to end experiment early

Delete the bitch’s Disney+ account and change password!! (The bitch ain’t having access to my account, you want access then you’ll have to pay! Should have never gave her it!)

[strongheartneteyam]

You all know I'm a pacifist, that I choose to ignore and delete the nasty hate asks and hate comments I receive, that I've tried since the start to keep this fandom a safe place but it's no longer safe here. Only for some people. And as much as I avoid fighting, I can't stand injustice. It's against my nature and it pained me beyond explanation to see one of the sweetest people I've ever met and one of my best friends getting such a despicable treatment as Snow did when this ridiculous situation happened. Being accused of doing something she never did, of being something she is not. But I was extremely depressed myself and I couldn't take any more problems, so I chose to keep my silence and support her in private, which I hate that I did bc it's almost me being a coward, or maybe it really was me being a coward, I don't know, all I know is I was too mentally ill to deal with more negativity, so I took a break from Tumblr, bc I myself had untrue things being said about me. I was accused of gaslighting, which I never did. All I did was defend my name from lies. After a while, I decided to only keep writing on AO3 and never use my Tumblr account again. I thought I was gonna get "canceled" bc of the lies people were spreading about me (I hate this stupid "cancel culture". Makes no sense whatsoever) That's how much all of that fucked me up. I lost faith in this fandom bc I didn't think you guys had learned anything with Avatar. The message of unity, of striving for peace, of seeing through humans and realizing how much the human nature is flawed and how humans commit injustices all the time. How we have rotten things inside of us, like greed and vanity. The movies show us that we can be better than this. How there could be an alien race out there much more wise than us. So I deleted the Tumblr app for a while and I thought about never coming back. But after a long break, I was feeling better from my depression, I talked to Snow and she told me how well she was doing in her new account, that many people were seeing her side of the story and believing in her. I regained a bit of faith in this fandom and I downloaded the app again. I got surprised I didn't receive any hate directly, like in asks, bc I sure as hell thought I was going to. I saw that people kept giving love to my fics, leaving me nice asks. So I decided to come back. Now I see there are still many good people here, people who listen to both sides and decide for themselves who's right and who's wrong. People who have clear eyes and use their sight to see beyond the surface of deceit. And I'm proud of those people and I love you, if you're one of them. But I'm a little different now. As much as I'm still a pacifist, some battles are important and noble, and fighting against injustice to defend a great person and a dear friend is one of them, so nobody should expect me to be silent about this situation anymore. I don't care if I lose followers bc if you side with those people, I don't want you following me anyway. I don't care if I receive nasty asks or comments, it's the price you pay to speak the truth against popular people in this tainted, bad world. I know who I am, nobody can take this knowledge away from me, and I know I never was and I am not a racist. I'm very much proud of having African blood in my veins, as the typical Brazilian I am. I am proud of my mother's dark skin. And I also know that Snow is not a racist either. I will stand by her side. I will stand with the truth.

Just wanted to put this out there for anyone who might think otherwise; I will not apologize for who I am.

I have been accused so many times by people I thought I could trust. I've been taken advantage of, spit on, and treated like shit all my life. So if I come back with a nasty bite, just know its because I'm not a fucking dog. I've not been raised to lay down and roll over to expose my belly to motherfuckers who think they can dictate my life.

I don't give a shit whose feelings I hurt. Because you obviously didn't give a shit when you trampled over mine. So let's get one thing fucking straight right here and now:

Hello people.

I'm the one and only Hidden Snow. I had a writing account before with over 400 followers. I was in an amazing discord server. I loved the people in it. I was happy and I'd just started to grow comfortable with the people around me.

And then one day? I talked about my obsession over Hazbin Hotel. Yes. That show that a certain creator had made.

One of the server members made a comment that they hoped the creator would lose the show. And I responded. I stated that I hoped Vivziepop wouldn't lose the show. ONLY because I knew different people would change it. They'd change the characters, the plot line, everything. I didn't want the show to be changed.

And then, somehow, I got accused of supporting Vivziepop and genocide, despite me simply wanting the show to stay the same. Then, my amazing lovely @strongheartneteyam got accused of being racist when she attempted to stop the fighting and to control the situation so things would become peaceful again. The accuser claimed that they were going to go on Tumblr and accuse her publicly. So of course, to support my lovely pookie, I went on Tumblr and warned the people so that they'd be prepared for it.

In response, the accuser posted a "call out" post, claiming that I'd bullied them and that I was racist and "scared of them" because they were black. I CANNOT express how many times this same person, during the argument in the server, showed blatant racism against white women in particular.

To top it off, I never spoke to this person. Not a single time. I was mainly a lurker in the server, but the people I interacted with, I was familiar with them. This person, I didn't even know existed until they popped into the argument. And by that point? I had left the discussion to keep from saying something I might've regretted.

So tell me. Tell me how I was a bully and a racist when I never interacted with that person. Not even once. I have no idea why but I guess a lot of people nowadays only listen to half the story and then judge.

I lost many mutuals. I felt lost and alone, shunned by my "friends" despite me not actually having done anything wrong. I got tired. So I deleted my account. I took a week for my mental health. And I got angry. So fucking angry.

So here I am. And I will tell the truth, blatant or not. You can see it as bullying. You can see it as me being a horrible asshole. But I don't care anymore. Because I'm not going to let some petty big shots attempt to ruin my fight anymore. I'm not going to let them turn off my voice, just because it makes them upset or uncomfortable.

I'm done being a doormat, appealing to the bigger accounts in an attempt to win their hearts over. If you want to try and ruin me, fucking do it. Do your best. Because whether I lose followers or gain followers, whether I receive death threats or not, I'm still going to stand by my word and the truth of what I'm saying.

When I needed a shoulder to lean on? When I needed someone to hear out my side of the story so that I could clear my name, they shunned me instead. They ignored me and chose sides by ignoring my pleas for the truth to be revealed. They say they were "remaining neutral" in the matter, but when you listen to one side claiming something and then turn a blind eye to the other side, you're not staying neutral. You're picking sides. So yeah.

That's all I have to say on the matter. If you've found me through some of the bigger accounts complaining about me? Congratulations. You've found the asshole speaking their side of everything that has happened.

Because of these people, I wanted to end it all. Not just my career on Tumblr, but my life as well. I've never had my name drug through the mud unjustly before and I had no idea how to react. But now, I'm reacting. And I'm going to come back with a vengeance. I'm going to fight tooth and nail to show the sides of these accounts that have been shown to me. The sides that are hidden from their followers.

[furiosity-wills-the-cat]

Chara, the fourth Blook cousin:

A crack theory that accidentally become way more serious than it should have because it somehow, despite my best efforts, ended up making sense

Brought to you by my idiot conspiracy brain (affectionate) and by encouragement from my Tumblr followers

Under the cut for the sake of your dashes and sanity

Ok here we go my very elaborate accidental theory, because in order to answer the complex questions simply you must first make simple things more complex or something

First, you need to know that Chara became a Blook cousin by adoption.

All of the Blooks are adopted.

Ghosts are not born into families, they make their own.

Got it? Great, because we’re about to start running

so first, im gonna make surprisingly uncommon claim in this fandom, and I am going to say that undertale ghosts are all dead

I’m taking the tiny details we know about ghosts and sprinting with them to new places

Ghosts also do not have souls I decided

Undertale souls do not work the same as souls in traditional mythology

So every ghost is soulless Unless and Until they become corporeal

Evidence: Monster souls cant exist without bodies, and ghosts are monsters, therefore ghosts cannot have souls without bodies

Further evidence: Asriel doesnt steal blooky’s soul, blooky is unkillable, we have no concrete evidence that blooky has a soul

What about mettaton? He only has a soul after he has completely committed to being corporeal and to a specific body.

Also maddy and mettaton are both only killable while corporeal

Im also connecting the dots we have about souls in a new creative way so let me live for a second

Additionally, i am going to claim that there are a lot more ghosts than just the blooks, some evidence given below

Theres like actual scientific knowlege of ghosts in the undertale verse which seems unlikely if theres literally only three or four

The underground is so much bigger than you think, theres that giant forest in snowdin, a large town in the ruins, the huge city of new home, who knows how much space in the large open areas of waterfall etc. Its really really big okay

Also based off evidence of blooky, we can conclude that ghosts can turn invisible whenever they want to and/or haunt objects to hide

So I personally think that ghosts are, generally speaking, extremely reclusive

And the blooks are just a special exception, a beautiful family, amazing for them

So anyway im going with typical ghost lore for now, for the sake of ease, so im gonna say ghosts generally come from monsters who are particularly restless or unsatisfied when they die

HOWEVER i dont think they remember being monsters or anything before being a ghost. They just kinda fizzle into existance with a fully formed personality and immortality while being unkillable and feeling vaguely uneasy

ALSO i personally think that chara was a ghost for a long time before they became a blook by adoption

Based on game lore, i think ghosts can possess any inanimate object and just kinda wear it? But it takes a lot of strong emotion to become corporeal

And chara is the super weird exception because they were a human not a monster.

They dont have a soul (i headcanon that their soul got destroyed when asriel died)

And they KNOW this, which is a huge part of why they kinda just... give up

Because they lost their ability to fulfill prophecy

Also, without a soul, they lost their ability to reset, so for the first time since falling underground, theyre subject to the relentless march of time

But theyre still weirdly strong and powerful and more emotional

ALSO they DO still remember being a human but they catch on pretty quickly that other ghosts dont have memories and because chara is stupid they just lie to fit in

Theyre too tired to explain themself, they just want to be alone and feel awful

Now back to ghost lore

Emotions are a lot harder for ghosts??? I decided

And they dont know why,, they tend to blame it on the soul thing

But realistically its actually more of the immortality thing making actions not have consequences and/or or not having a body so they cant have a sense of touch or have physical effects of emotion

They all know that ghosts just tend to be way more floaty and bored and numb

And thats part of why the blooks are so special

Maddy’s rage and Mettaton’s yearning and Napstablook’s misery are like... not great all of the time...

but theyre also way way more emotion than most ghosts have,,, they are just a family supporting each other, being as functional as they can,, just an emo(tional) ghost family

most ghosts barely do anything except like stare at walls but the blooks have their snail farm and that helps them have purpose and it is good

And they hold each other accountable and it is nice

So anyway chara just chills and is in a depression coma for a few decades before the blooks find them and are like “our child/baby cousin”

and they raise them for a cool minute

They are all very protective of the new baby emo blook

And chara doesnt get therapy but at the very least they once again have a family, and they decide they want to try to become corporeal eventually just like mtt and maddy

So anyway chara starts hanging out in the ruins a lot more and they finally tell the blooks theyre leaving to go become corporeal in the ruins

This is actually because they are trying to hang out with toriel

because they miss their mom ;;

but chara’s not gonna admit that to anyone, especially not to themself

And because theyre still repressing their emotions constantly and pretending to be fine, they cant become corporeal

And they hang out in the ruins for a long time because they feel guilty lying to everyone about everything

They still feel like its their fault that all the monsters are stuck underground, because they were SUPPOSED to save everyone and they COULDNT and it HURTS

But again, they are doing too much repression to use this guilt to become corporeal,

so instead they just kinda hide and watch toriel from a distance and cry

Blooky visits them the most, thats why blooky is chilling in the ruins so much at the start of the game

Theyre just there to visit their shy baby cousin ;;

Ofc they wont tell frisk about this because chara wants space and privacy and blooky respects that

but maddy and mtt also visit them a lot

Oh also when mtt and maddy start dissapearing, blookys mental health plummets as their family and support system starts to dissolve

Blooky was actually doing extremely well (for a ghost) for a long time, i headcanon,

but theyre doing the worst theyve been in a long long time during the game, because of family issues

So anyway, chara dissapears when frisk shows up, and maddy assumes this is becaude frisk hurt their fragile feelings

Maddy spends hours desperately searching the ruins for chara and cant find them and assumes that they had their heart crushed and went to hide and disappear in a depression coma for another few decades, and thats part of why maddy is so furious with frisk

Like,, to be clear, maddy is still jumping to conclusions and throwing blame around with no proof, but also, its a logical conclusion to come to

And mettaton has already disappeared too and been gone for a while, too, by this point, so it hurts even worse

But anyway, what actually happened to chara is that;

Because chara is a human ghost, not a monster ghost, normal ghost rules dont apply to them

And they can possess living things too they find out

Maybe they knew it a long time ago, maybe its a new discovery, but for whatever reason they end up possessing frisk and theyre like “what the heck”

And frisk still has most of the control

But now chara is like,,, “this is my chance, im a human again, gotta save the world for real,,,”

and they cant explain this to anyone without revealing their past

so they just chill in frisk’s mind while being super crypic and trying to figure out how it works

Pacifist route, this is pretty much exactly what happens

They manage to help frisk save the day

And in my headcanon, the no mercy route is started by frisk who is scared when faced by monsters attacking them

And then chara, who was aready hiding in a semidepression coma for a while, immediately transitions to a panicked “gotta protect this body, gotta protect my chance to be human, i died and threw away my chance to save everyone the first time, i CANNOT lose this chance again”

And so the combination of both frisk and chara is the genocide run

Because frisk kills in self defense, and whenever frisk hesitates, chara jumps in

Also theres leftover feelings from the whole asriel incident

Because again, ghosts come from monsters who died unsatisfied

And chara’s main source of unsatisfaction is how they were trying to get asriel to kill people before he died and then he didnt

So thats a strong strong feeling ruling them

So anyway by the time they both realize how bad its become they figure its too late and also the amount of LOVE has made them numb

And thats when chara who, despite everything, still has idiot hero complex and thinks they need to save the world

So, while panicking, they step in at the very end, and erase the timeline and delete everything

And also to clarify

They DONT HAVE this power at any other point in the game

Because, guess why

They become corporeal

Just like maddy, the no mercy route is the only thing that gives them strong enough emotion to spontaneously become corporeal

So they become corporeal and as soon as they have a soul again and can reset again, they just erase everything

Ok back to fluff

Post pacifist route, they are still a non corporeal ghost

They can still float around and look just like the other blooks

And it takes them a while to open up about things, but they do end up moving back in with blooky so that blooky isnt completely alone

And also they do way better with a family

Also they can float through the mountain and talk to flowey down below and bring him news

And now that they know about him, they can bond with him and explain that they dont have a soul either but that doesnt mean theyre worthless

Oh ALSO

The other dead humans dont have ghosts

BECAUSE

ghosts only come from restless dead MONSTERS

and chara is the weird special exception

Because they were a monster when they died

They became a ghost and asriel didnt because they were way more restless and stressed than asriel was when both of them died

Like sure, asriel felt awful, but chara was the one who was way more like “this is my fault, i CANT die now, the world NEEDS me”

So anyway

charablook the emo tween ghost and asriel flowey the eldrich goat daisy are siblings once more and they hang out and eventually they are okay and have a family again

Thank you for reading, this has been my thoughts on a crack theory that accidentally went too far

This isnt even everything, maybe i’ll make a part two eventually, but i promised to have this post out like two days ago, so i wanted to post SOMTHING

Anyway leave your thoughts if youd like

Im not looking for people to disprove it, i already know its crazy, i dont think it was intentional by the game writers, but i do think its a fun concept

thats the fun of it, so if anyone wants to run with it im all for it lol

Thanks again! Have a nice day!