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buttonpusherdiy · 1 year ago

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2000 Trees 2023 Review

Now in it’s 15th year 2000 trees returned to Upcote farm for a mostly sunny edition with an absolutely stacked lineup - we caught around 30 different artists this year and discovered some great new music.

Arriving a little later than planned on the Thursday morning we found a spot to camp which seemed ideal but later turned out to be a mistake as we realised we had camped by the entrance to the forest school which had a little drum kit set up in the woods which meant festival revellers would play drums all throughout the night but it’s 2000 trees so we just let it slide and popped our earplugs in before calling it a night. Anyway I digress. Onto the bands....

Projector were one of the bands we really wanted to catch but only managed to catch the very end of their set on the Axiom but it seemed as though the Brighton based trio had a great reception and we'd clearly missed a banging set. Onwards to our first full set of the weekend with ITHACA on the main stage all dressed in white and Djamila in Orange as is now tradition they blitzed through material from their latest release “They Fear Us” with a message to the UK scene for more inclusion and diversity, A solid set from a band currently at the top of their game.

Ithaca - Photo Credit (Gareth Bull)

Up next were Graphic Nature, admittedly a band I haven’t heard before but they definitely left an impression and I’ll be sure to catch them again in future as they chanelled their inner Slipknot and got the crowd pumped and ready to take on the rest of Thursday afternoon.

Graphic Nature - Photo Credit - Gareth Bull

Martha have been held in high regard in our circle of friends so I decided to pop along to see what all the fuss was about and while I enjoyed the first half of their set I found myself feeling it all a bit samey and decided to move on to catch the remainder of Svalbard's set over in the Cave, The post-metallers are very much engrained within the UK music scene by now and deliver an epic set to a packed out tent.

It’s actually surprising how many heavier bands are on the trees lineup this year and it’s Bristol's finest purveyors of doom Sugar Horse up next in the darkened Neu stage with their crushingly heavy world ending riffs before some uplifting math/post rock from Belfast’s And So I watch you From Afar who played an absolute blinder and treated the crowd to some new songs. A band that know how to whip a crowd into a frenzy guitarist Rory Friers spent a lot of time in the thick of it among the party people before we headed off into the forest for BAT SABBATH which was Cancer Bats performing a set full of Black Sabbath Classics and one of my highlights of the day as a massive Sabbath fan.

Bat Sabbath - Photo Credit - Gareth Bull

I ended up watching The Bronx as my headliner and did not regret my decision, having never seen them before this was a lesson in how to get crowd fired up and the tent was brimming full of energy which was unleashed in full force for the duration of their set and ended with one of our crew being taken to get his knee bandaged up following a pit injury!!!!

THE BRONX - Photo Credit - Gareth Bull

Another hot and sweaty day on the Farm as Friday begins and we had an absolutely stacked day ahead beginning with one of our favourites The St Pierre Snake Invasion assaulting the crowd with a mix of new and old bangers on the Main Stage, having released my AOTY so far I was curious to see how the songs would translate on a bigger stage and it just works so well, definitely a band made to play bigger stages they just deserve more attention!

Following on from that was my discovery of the weekend in Canada’s Motherhood who played a quirky set full of twists and turns that reminded me in parts of a mathier PILE. Definitely looking forward to hearing more from this trio in the future.

Lakes - Photo Credit - Jez Pennington

Firm bUTTONpUSHER faves LAKES performed a beautiful set full of songs from their latest album Elysian Skies in the Forest and were joined by some guests on vocals and trumpet and I genuinely think the Forest stage is one of my favourite places in all the world to watch bands.

Northern Irelands New Pagans were up next for us and it was a real nice contradiction in sounds as the raw punk rock energy from the band is on full display mixed with gorgeous vocals from Lyndsey. The Irish contingent was strong at this years trees but it was time for some Belgian action from Brutus over on the main stage and again the trio put on a fierce show as always as they hold the crowd in their hands in the blazing sunshine.

Empire State Bastard - Photo Credit - Joseph Singh

Feeling the burn from the heat I enjoyed Empire State Bastard from a shady spot outside the tent but thoroughly enjoyed the noise from Biffy boys Simon Neil and Mike Vennart who are making the rounds on the festival scene this year ahead of the release of their debut album. We closed out our Friday in the Forest with another Irish band, The Scratch, they were easily one of our favourite bands last year but this year their set was shorter and consisted of lots of new songs which unfortunately just missed the mark with me and I feel they should have had a longer set on a bigger stage.

Photo Credit - Gareth Bull

Before arriving at the festival I assumed Saturday would be the more chilled out day for me but damn was I wrong. Not having a list of bands I wanted to see meant I ended up catching lots of great new music that I otherwise probably wouldn’t have known about.

I started my morning with a coffee and a bacon sandwich before heading off to see Witch Fever on the main stage, the Riot Grrrl vibe was strong and they played a rager of a set as the weather tried to make up its mind about what to do.

Modern Error - Photo Credit - Gareth Bull

Modern Error had an air of NIN about them which I enjoyed but quickly tired of as the sound just wasn't that great for them and so I left to go check out High Vis on the main stage where someone recommended yet another Irish band Enola Gay who brought some post punk/ hardcore action to the afternoon before it all got a bit silly with Electric Six and one of the biggest crowds I’d seen down at the main stage all weekend.

Electric Six - Photo Credit - Gareth Bull

Time for a quick break before we caught One step Closer and Holding Absence who admittedly aren’t really the kind of thing I’m into but both put on solid perfomances and the latter were clearly delighted to be on the main stage after playing every stage at 2000 trees now over the years.

Frozemode and Cody frost were both on fire and definite highlights on the forest stage with Frozemode enjoying some sunshine and Cody Frost playing through a set filled with torrential rain and a surprise guest appearance from Enter Shikari's Rou Reynolds, the Shikari fans all made a beeline for the front ensuring this was a set Cody Frost will remember forever.

Hundred Reasons had the misfortune of playing the main stage during the worst weather of the weekend and it all becomes a bit much so we decided to go see TSPSI for the second time this weekend as they had replaced Loathe who unfortunately had to pull out last minute.

The St Pierre Snake Invasion - Photo Credit - Joe Singh

Pitchshifter were a band I never managed to see growing up so off we headed for some nostalgic riffs from the Nottingham rockers who while putting on a sterling show seemed to be more obsessed with the fact they are an old band now which became quite cringey very quickly as JS Claydon showed off his “Dad Bod” - one of the bands i wish I’d seen when they were doing it the first time round instead!

Time for a hot take but American Football are not a band for a festival in my opinion, despite being great on record they just don’t keep your energy levels up enough so we left after a couple of songs and decided to close the festival out with an absolutely thrilling set from Belfast’s Kneecap who were phenomenal. The Hip Hop trio mix Irish and English language and gave fair warning to the packed forest that if you are on psychedelics you aren’t going crazy their just mixing up the two languages and to great effect. High octane energy and plenty of laughs from the two frontmen while their DJ wearing a balaclava drank cans in the background. I would highly encourage anyone to go see these lot if they get the opportunity.

Kneecap - Photo Credit - Joe Singh

So as we donned our silent disco headphones and closed out another year at 2000 Trees it’s say to say this was another successful year and there’s probably way more we could have written about how great this festival is, it's an absolute credit to the organisers who manage to smash it every year!

We’ll definitely be back next year!!!!!

#2000 trees festival #review

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natty-taffy · 3 years ago

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mother and father [teen!natasha, melina, alexei]

Summary: In which Melina knows how to deal with every human's emotions but her owns

⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

“Stop it!”

“But that’s mine!”

“You stole it- stop- get off me!”

“Then give it back!”

“No-”

“Melina!”

The raven haired woman pulled herself up from her work table, reluctantly leaving the papers she had been analyzing behind. She sighed in frustration at the discussion happening downstairs, wondering why, of all scientists on the Red Room, she had been the chosen one for this hell of a mission.

Why would they even call her to solve things? She wasn’t an actual mother and they weren’t actually a family, there was no reason to behave like one behind closed doors.

But she needed to finish her reports as soon as possible, and there was no way of doing it if those two kept bickering for every stupid thing.

Arriving at the living room she found the usual day-to-day scene;

Natasha with her eleven-years old strength pinned Alexei down to the carpet and on his left hand was the apparent reason of the ordeal- a VRTX game.

Melina could have killed them with the amount of distress she felt rising on her- she had three missing reports and her ongoing research on pigs and that’s what she found herself getting busy with- instead she chose to calmly state;

“You are fighting over a video game” and at that, both of them immediately opened their mouths to defend themselves, so she raised one hand in detriment and they fell quiet.

“Natasha first” she allowed, trying to get over with that as fast as she could- she knew the girl never fought over nothing, to the contrary of Alexei, so she was almost always right.

“That is not fair” he exclaimed, looking visibly exasperated “You always let the girls first”

“That’s because I’m not the man on his thirties fighting a teenager” came Natasha’s response.

She still held the man strongly on the ground, never once letting her guard down, Melina noticed with observatory eyes (and a little something that could have morphed into a more defined thing if she hadn’t squashed it down immediately)

But, funnily enough, Natasha’s good technique wasn’t what caught her prime attention- it was the fact that she had referred to herself as a-

“Teenager?” Melina asked with humor, slightly questioning herself- she wasn’t a teenager already, was she?

Not long ago she was still eight.

This humor, though, Natasha noticed, was different from the intonations the woman had always used with Alexei- it held no judgment and felt more like the kind of humor she remembered watching Snow White using with the dwarfs.

A gentle humor, if she would, almost like a soft nudge of a feather, maybe even mother-

No.

She immediately stopped her brain from stepping there, focusing on Alexei’s sessile body instead- because that’s what that was, a training, a mission, not, by far, a real family.

That’s why she reminded herself once again- to set her ground- that behind closed doors, Alexei was Alexei, Melina was Melina and Yelena was Yelena.

“Yes, I am” she answered, completely aware of her own age, shaking her thoughts away “I am eleven, that’s a teenagers age”

To Melina and Alexei’s own surprise, they shared a look- but what really scared Melina was that she didn’t know what it held- she had spent her entire life studying human and inhuman behaviors, mixing them with facial expressions and body language as much as she could… but she didn’t have the answer to what that look meant.

Nor why they felt the need to share it with each other.

All she knew was that it wasn’t a comfortable feeling, but definitely not uncomfortable. It was simply... off-putting.

(She would eventually find that out, years later, while scrolling through their photo album she had taken with her)

“You’re not” Melina said, matter of factly “Teenagers have ‘teen’ at the end of their age and it’s not eleven-teen”

Natasha scrunched her eyebrows, not one to like being contradicted “That’s bullshit-”

“Language!” Alexei and Melina chastised her with stern eyes and raised eyebrows.

Natasha didn’t really understand why they kept such frivolous rules, even less with Yelena being away at her ballet class.

Yet, while she really didn’t appreciate being told what to do- and that was a well guarded confession, maybe even to herself- Natasha didn’t mind when mundane things like that happened, it felt easier to fall into her role.

“Prosti, mama, otets” She hurriedly apologized, trying not to miss her train of thoughts nor her grip on Alexei “But the World Health Organization recognizes teenagers as-”

What Natasha did miss was the (another) shared look between the two adults, who were, then, long lost in their own heads, not listening at all to her banter of why she was, indeed a teenager.

Because to them she was not, end of story.

And could they pay attention to anything else in the world when Natasha had just called them by mother and father as if it was the most natural thing in the world?

Not 'Melina and Alexei', not the sarcastic ‘mom and dad’ when they were in public, but ‘mama and otets’ only for them to hear, only for them to understand.

Melina felt a wall breaking in front of her, the large icy glass that separated the mission from reality crumbled down at her feet making the kind of mess that would take months to organize- because, well, it went against every single promise she made Dreykov and herself.

-----

“And, Melina” Dreykov, held her arm as she stood up to leave the room.

She quickly swallowed her protests, not making any movement of repulsion and rose her eyebrows to show him she was listening.

“This mission has the power to either strike you up or shoot you down inside of the Red Room” he spoke slowly, searching for something in her eyes “We will have eyes on you, I would be careful”

'Be careful', she thought bitterly, what would a pair of children do against her and the Red Guardian?

“You know I will”

-----

What Melina wasn’t expecting was that living the life she was raised to loathe would actually make her wonder how differently things could have been to all of them.

Especially to Natasha and Yelena, who still ran to the porch to chase the ice-cream truck and tried to sneak the "forest stars" to their bedroom.

She sighed, trying to understand what to do, what to feel in a situation like that.

Letting out a silent chuckle, Melina kicked the small pieces of the imaginary broken wall from her feet as she grabbed the video game from Alexei’s hand and gave it to Natasha.

“Here you go, miss teenager” she bit down a smile as the girl paused slightly with the nickname, trying to hide the way her eyes shone “now come help me with dinner, dad has to pick Yelena up”

Natasha didn’t roll her eyes or corrected her back to his name, but simply nodded and ran to the kitchen. Alexei, then, stood up, facing her, looking almost as conflicted as Melina herself felt.

“You could have broken free from her” she pointed out before he could say anything.

“I know, but she enjoyed it” he answered, always wearing his expressions on the sleeve- pathetic, she mentally chastises him, as always (and at each time, it held a little less of meaning) “You didn’t correct her when she called you mama”

“I know” she answers with her face stoic as always- but she enjoyed it, she left in between the lines.

And only because she wanted to have the last word, Melina added “Neither did you”

“I know” he whispers, not sure if to Melina or himself “We are fucked”

“I know” she whispers back.

⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

TRANSLATION

Mama: Mother Otets: Father Prosti: I'm sorry

#natasha romanoff #natasha romanov #black widow #black widow film #black widow 2021 #black widow mcu #alexei shostakov #melina vostokova #alexei x melina #melina vostokoff #natalia romanova #black widow movie #nattytaffyarchive

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melohax · 4 years ago

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I’ve seen some people who finished Omori talking about how they don’t understand the game’s plot, what happens in the good ending or why the protagonist even decided to change his ways. So then, here’s my thoughts on Omori’s story.

Warning: SPOILERS AHOY. Only read this if you’ve already finished the game and seen the good or true ending. Or if you don’t plan on playing the game at all but still want to know the whole story.

I’ve seen some people around the internet talk about how Sunny’s character isn’t clear to them or how they feel Sunny doesn’t deserve a good ending. Here’s some thoughts I have on why I think Sunny’s growth was well depicted.

There’s two main routes you can go through in the game: the “Reality” route and the “Hikikomori” route.

In the “Hikikomori” route, Sunny stays in Headspace forever and we get to learn many additional details about him. Sunny’s parents are implied to have known what Sunny did to Mari all along. It’s also implied that Sunny’s mother covered the whole thing up and chose to present it as a suicide as well cus, in her own words, she can’t bear the thought of losing both of her kids.

Sunny’s mother insinuates her son isn’t a “good boy” even though she begs him to be good but she still sees him as her little boy (as seen by the overly-sweet and positive messages she leaves around the house and her voice mails) and needs him alive so she can survive her own grief. Sunny’s father is shown cutting down the hanging tree and telling Sunny he isn’t his son, presumably disowning Sunny. The father keeps being absent forever afterwards.

Fast forward to the present and the “Reality” route, Sunny’s moving in 3 days. He knows his time is up in the real world and the biggest catalyst for his personal growth is that he’s finally seeing his old friends in the REAL world after 4 years of only seeing their loving, idealized child version in dreams. For the first time, he gets to witness the collateral consequences of what he did to Mari in his now teenaged friends: Aubrey spirals into delinquency after feeling like she was thrown aside by everyone she loved. Hero is guilt ridden, can’t even go near Mari’s grave and gives up on his dreams of being a chef. Kel wants to make things better but feels powerless, useless and like a screwup. Basil lives in a miserable state of almost constant fear and psychosis.

Sunny finally gets to see the huge toll his lie took on his friends’ entire lives as they keep blaming themselves for not knowing about Mari’s supposed suicidal ideations. He’s finally forced to face reality and he still tries to hide in dreamworld but he can’t. The inhabitants of Headspace are all people or fictional characters he knows or likes in real life (that he changed in his dreams, like how Kim’s brother is a sweet gentle giant and Sweetheart looks just like the candy shop owner at the supermarket) and their quests end up leading him to events where he’s reminded over and over again his dreams will end soon (the end of the underwater highway, the tree near the whale, the shadows of Mari and Basil) and that he needs to delve into Blackspace.

This shows how his own subconscious mind knows well what needs to be done; he’s putting the mental and emotional effort of making himself face what he’s done, shown through the contrast between the whimsical nature of Headspace and the dark surrealism of Blackspace.

As this happens in Sunny’s psyche, in the real world he can try to “atone” a bit by doing good things for his little community like completing requests people around him have. He still has a lot of trouble being near Basil in the real world but considering his entire subconscious mainly revolves around finding and rescuing Basil, he wants and needs to face Basil sincerely before he runs out of time.

We’re shown through memories that Sunny’s personality was always quiet, wary, a bit distant and very bad at dealing with pressure. Some people even describe him as cowardly or mediocre but he was just a small kid who’s entire world ended when he was 12. Since then, he never left his house, spending most of his days asleep rather than awake. It’s no wonder his personality isn’t as developed as his friends. His friends, although they were also in immense pain, at least still continued to live beyond Mari’s death. Sunny didn’t. He only lived through sleep.

Subconsciously, it’s shown Sunny both loves and hates Basil. This is seen in Blackspace with the dialogue he has with the “strangers” walking in the void. They talk about how Sunny (as Omori) does horrible things to Basil in the darkness of Blackspace because he struggles with facing the truth of his own actions. It’s also revealed through datamine of Blackspace’s metaphorical photo album that Basil, in his attempts to save Sunny from the judgement of others and to get him to come out of catatonia, was the one who come up with the plan to hang Mari.

Sunny describes Mari as looking as if calmly asleep when he drags her up the stairs. Her eyes remained peacefully closed until Sunny and Basil hung her. Then, Sunny turned back to look at Mari’s corpse, her previously closed eyes were wide open. She might have even been still alive, might have opened her eyes during or after the noose was tied to her neck. Or the belief he saw her eyes open could have been a manifestation of Sunny’s guilt, instead.

Either way, the horrifying possibilities surrounding Mari’s death lead to Sunny handling his emotional pain by subconsciously taking it out on Basil. It’s why Basil in Blackspace is shown constantly suffering and dying in many different ways. It’s the only way Sunny has been able to deal with himself; by forcing Basil into the darkest corners of his mind, his perfect colorful dreamworld can’t be ruined by the ugly reality Basil’s mere presence represents. It’s less painful to try to forget Basil and to forever blame him for both of their sins.

Still, even with all these conflicted feelings, Sunny’s tried to come to terms with love he still feels for Basil many times before. The shadows point out how this isn’t the first time he’s tried to save the Flower Boy; how all the previous times before ended in Sunny failing to find redemption and so his mind turns back to torturing the Basil of his dreams instead.

However, one of the Blackspace shadows also mentions a very important detail that changes almost everything this time around: his time is almost up in the real world. Whether this means he’ll commit suicide or move away, it’s almost time for him to leave the friends he’s always loved so much behind.

Sunny is forced to do a lot of internal work and self-reflection in what little time he has left. It’s shown through his dream actions, the surreal imagery surrounding him and the characters with all the sub plots his subconscious makes up.

In the route to the good ending, he traverses Blackspace and manages to listen to every harsh truth Basil’s shadow has to tell him. His attempts to save Basil mean he’s fighting his own mind, forcing himself to accept the truth.

To achieve redemption for his greatest mistake, Sunny needs to start with accepting Basil entirely; he has to stop making Basil take the brunt of their combined regrets. It means being willing to finally face the REAL Basil instead of permanently burying him in the most painful place within Sunny’s mind.

So basically, it’s obvious to me that Sunny is forced out of his “comfortable” hikikomori misery the moment he opens the door to meet the REAL Kel.

Sunny and Basil have a confrontation in the real world. When Sunny entera Basil’s room, we see poor Basil suicidal and at his limit. He’s clearly in the throes of a psychotic episode and at the mercy of hallucinations and delusions he can’t escape from (“There’s no way out of this is there, Sunny?”). Basil attacks you in an attempt to save you by killing the “thing behind you” but as we know, there isn’t actually something behind you.

There was never any monster to take the blame for Basil’s regrets, nor yours. It’s always been just you.

Meanwhile, Sunny is trying his best not to completely lose his shit so he can save Basil and stop him from potentially killing the both of them. Sunny likely loses an eye in the fight, shown by the blood coming from your socket and the bandage over it in the hospital.

Incidentally, the eye you lose is on the same side as the eye that can be seen peeking through the hair of Mari’s face as she’s hanging from the tree.

In the good ending, the song at the end talks about how even after confessing the truth, Sunny is alone once again, so it’s not actually clear if Aubrey, Kel and Hero actually forgave him. I feel like this is deliberately left up to interpretation by the writers. The lyrics then continue on to say Sunny still finds it hard to wake up, still finds himself plagued some days with lingering regret, but that he still tries to take it all one step at a time to carry on living.

With the song’s lyrics in mind, the end scene that shows Basil and Sunny smiling at each other while Mari’s shadow leaves them doesn’t mean they’re completely fine all of a sudden. Whether their friends forgave them or not, they at least finally have the relief of honesty. The burden of their unbearable shared secret is now off their shoulders. It’s finally out in the open, which means they both can now start healing and working to find the redemption Sunny was looking for in Blackspace. It also means they can go back to loving each other again without the crushing pain they both felt in each other’s presence.

I agree that Aubrey and the gang get pretty left out in the good ending, though. I wish there was more of them and their reactions to the truth BUT I think it’s sadly a deliberate choice by the writers to leave their reaction up to the player’s interpretation. This can feel extremely unfulfilling to many people (me included, I hate when authors do that tbh) but also to many others that’s a good thing cus they get to apply their own personal meaning and feelings.

I personally feel like the friends forgiving Sunny and Basil right off the bat would be incredibly unrealistic. I think they would need a lot of time (especially Aubrey) for them to forgive the lie that wrecked their lives for years. Forgiveness isn’t impossible but it would probably come in the form of a slow, difficult, heartbreaking process. Bittersweet.

Redemption isn’t just about forgiveness, anyway.

Even if a person is never forgiven by the people they’ve hurt, they can still find redemption for their actions through doing good for the people around them and the world at large. An example of this is shown through what Sunny can do on his last days in his neighborhood. The gratitude and additional flowers he receives in the hospital from each person he’s helped are proof he can still do good for others even after something as horrible and unforgivable as accidental murder. In a way, it’s proof that his life is still worth living.

But ultimately that’s just my own interpretation of the ending and I understand other people would interpret it all differently. Some see forgiveness as a given in the story while there’s also others who think Sunny doesn’t deserve forgiveness or those who think Sunny is a sociopath/psychopath or that Basil is the true villain of the game. I think this is why the ending was left so open, to favor all the different interpretations people have of it.

ETA: Here’s a different take on Sunny’s parents. This post argues that, despite the initial implications, they actually didn’t know about the attempted coverup. It’s a really good writeup explaining the whys and hows and has me reconsidering that part of the story!

https://www.reddit.com/r/OMORI/comments/kr9nvx/major_spoilers_regarding_sunny_his_parents_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

#omori #omori game #omori sunny #omori basil #omori spoilers #spoilers #i said id wait before doing a post like this lol #but here i am #omori meta

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petertingle-yipyip · 3 years ago

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SIN MIEDO - BUCKY BARNES (FOUR)

EPISODE FOUR: DELETED SCENE

Series tags: @calums-betch // SM masterlist //

Word Count: 1,265

Pairing: Stark!Reader x Bucky Barnes

Summary: The mission was getting messier but Y/N yearned for simplicity. For family. But diving into the past broke her worse than she expected.

You quietly shut the door to the bedroom behind you, slipping away while Zemo talked to Sam about the serum. You contemplated locking it but didn’t worry about it. The boys generally gave you your privacy more often than not. Crossing the room, you sat on the bed with your phone in your hand.

You didn’t think you’d do it anymore. You thought that was the last time you needed to. But something in your chest needed to hear it. You weren’t sure what it was, but almost getting through to Karli… It reminded you of who your dad saw you to be, the kind girl who had a heart as big as her bank account. The girl who preferred conversation to confrontation, but wouldn’t back down from a fight.

But now you weren’t so sure who you were. Some days you felt normal, comfortable in your own skin. And other days you felt like you were wearing a costume, like Y/N Stark was a character that you were playing.

Your phone was the time capsule of your relationship with your dad. All your photos and videos were there, locked in a special album. Your text conversation was still there. His contact and old voicemails were still there. And the only piece of Stark tech you kept with you was home to a couple hologram messages, even the last message before his time traveling. It was intended for you, Morgan, and Pepper, but you had edited it to only save the part that was talking to you.

You unlocked your cell and opened your voicemails first. You had five locked messages from years ago. All five were from your dad while you were dusted. With a tight feeling and shaky hands, you played each of them in order.

“Hey Y/N.” Your dad's voice came through. Instantly, the tears came. “I wish I had better news for you… I got back to Earth, with the help of some blonde glowing space-lady. Part of me hoped that when I got back, that you’d be here waiting for me… I gotta say that I would’ve been alright not coming back without you. Oh man, I just- I miss you, Mini Me. I love you to the stars. And this is the part where you say ‘Around the moon and back’.. It shouldn’t have been you..”

“Y/N!” He sounded happy. “Oh, kid.. Where do I begin? It’s too quiet without you around. I hate it. But it uh- it won’t be quiet for too much longer because, well, you are getting a sibling! Yeah, Pepper’s pregnant so that’s fun. Kinda makes me think about your mom and what she went through… I really was a crap dad in the beginning, huh? Well I hope I made up for that… As long as I did right by you, I did my job. It’s just- It’s not gonna be the same… I remember-“ He laughed and it made your heart twist. “-having to chase you around with a fire extinguisher. And when you started with your- oh what did you call them? Your air scooters? Oh my god! No matter what… I love you, Y/N/N. To the stars, around the moon, and back.”

You only got through two before your heart shattered again in your chest. You held your phone tightly with one hand and covered your mouth with the other. You sobbed heavily but you tried to contain the noise. You didn’t want the boys to hear. Your breath hitched as you tried to calm yourself but nothing seemed to do it while the small wheezes came out, muffled by your hand.

You wanted to throw your phone, to throw the pillows off the bed and put a fist through the wall. You hated the universe for taking the only thing you cared about. You wanted to burn yourself to ash and rebuild someone new. You were tired of that lonely feeling.

“Hey, you in here?” Barnes asked as he walked in. You looked up from your lap with red, puffy eyes and tears streaming down your face. You took the collar of your shirt and tried to clear your face in hopes Barnes hadn’t noticed. You cleared your throat and offered him an obviously fake smile while your eyes still glistened.

Barnes crossed the room and knelt in front of you. Gently, he took the phone from your hands and glanced at the screen. He saw the name IRON DAD✨and sighed softly. He placed the phone on the nightstand and looked back to you.

“It should’ve been me.” You said quietly. You couldn’t speak above a whisper out of fear that you would break. You couldn’t lift your eyes from your hands either. “He told me- He told me there was only one way. He told me there was one way and I- I didn’t listen. It- I should’ve done it. I should’ve saved him.”

“Hey, hey, hey.” He tried, gently putting a hand over yours, stopping your mindless fidgeting. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“I didn’t- I didn’t do anything!” You cried. “I- I didn’t- I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!”

“You did everything you could.” He tried, giving your hand a reassuring squeeze.

“Maybe I could’ve healed him. I could’ve- It could’ve been enough to get him to a- a- a hospital or something. I- I just- I just froze and stood there. I-“

“Stop.” He interrupted gently. “It’s not your fault.”

You dropped off the bed to your knees in front of Barnes. You fell against him, wrapping your arms around him as you cried. You kept your sobs silent as they shook your chest and shoulders. Your eyes were tightly closed but nothing could stop the tears from falling.

Barnes hesitantly put his arms around you in return, rubbing your back and muttering that it was okay. He wasn’t sure why you broke or why you threw yourself into his arms. His heart broke for you in those moments, to see you so vulnerable. So young and alone...

He knew you were only human, that you had emotions and grief and pain. But to see it so clear on your face and in your body language, to hear it in your voice. You had always presented yourself with grace, with power and control. Watching you fall apart in his arms.. Barnes had only felt truly powerless a few times, but he knew that was probably the most useless he had ever been.

“Then why does it feel like it is?” You asked weakly. Your voice sounded so small, so young. “Like I could’ve at least tried something.”

“We all did everything we could.”

“But I-“

“You’re gonna drive yourself crazy if you keep thinking about what you could’ve done… ‘What if’ isn’t going to change what is, no matter how bad we want it to…”

“All this power and it wasn’t enough…” You pulled away and wiped your eyes to see his expression. His face was as open and gentle as you’d ever seen it. His eyes were never more kind than they were in that moment “Buck, if you had a kid like me, would you be proud? If they could do the things I can and have lived the way I have..”

“Yeah..” He nodded with a gentle smile. “I’d be proud of them. Y/N, your dad wouldn’t have done what he did if he didn’t know you’d be alright when he was gone… You’re so much stronger than you realize. He’s proud of you and so are we.”

#ptyy sin miedo #tfaws bucky #bucky barnes fic #bucky x reader #bucky barnes imagine #bucky x you #bucky barnes x reader #tfaws sam #tfaws imagine #marvel x stark!reader #stark!reader #mcu imagine #mcu bucky barnes #mcu sam wilson #falcon #falcon and the winter soldier fic #falcon and winter soldier #winter soldier

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peppermintbee · 4 years ago

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OMORI has poor writing (Part 1)

OMORI stans, just block the #omori hate tag now because I’m going to use it to vent my frustrations with this game. If you love this game, I am not going to try to convince you otherwise. I am glad you enjoyed it so much. I am glad it means a lot to you. I’m not here to take that away from you. I honestly wish I felt the same way!

However, if you are like me and finished the game feeling disappointed, underwhelmed, and maybe a little frustrated, then I am here to say you are not alone. OMORI--while having the right set pieces for an interesting game--is a narrative mess.

I’m splitting this into two posts. This first post is about problems with the plot. The second is about problems with the message/moral.

(Note: I use “OMORI” in all-caps for the game title, and “Omori” in title case for the character name.)

Spoilers and criticism below.

Part 1: Plot Writing Lies

There’s a book by Brian McDonald called Invisible Ink which is about how to write a compelling story (you can read this great book online for free here). There’s an explanation of the writing “lie” that I find myself frequently thinking of. A “lie” in this context does not mean something is literally untrue, it means something FEELS untrue, unrealistic, improbable, or unlikely. For example, if a character gets shot in the leg but manages to do parkour, this is a “lie” since it seems unrealistic for that to happen. If a character witnesses their beloved parent’s death and shrugs it off, it’s a “lie” because that reaction seems highly unlikely.

In OMORI, the plot is held together by multiple little lies that--try as I might--I just couldn’t bring myself to believe.

1. Sunny’s friends care about him, and vice versa

A major theme of the game is how friendship can overcome any obstacle. Friendship gets Sunny over his fear of heights, spiders, and water. Friendship is what Sunny remembers before the final boss fight, and allows him to face his guilt and defeat it (and prevent him from committing suicide). With the photobook and dialogue you are reminded over and over and over and over and over again that Sunny’s friends love him unconditionally.

However, I just couldn’t bring myself to believe it. The childhood memories are cute but shallow, boiling down to simply hanging out and eating treats. Plus, Kel and Aubrey fight constantly, with Aubrey even physically hitting Kel when he steps out of line. Hero and Mari behave more like babysitters than true friends to the younger kids.

But at least the other kids interact with each other. Sunny, on the other hand, showed nearly no affection or consideration towards his friends. He floats through the memories like a ghost--he could have been completely absent from all the photos and it would have made little difference. I was ready to accept this as Sunny being an unreliable narrator and not thinking he was a good enough for his friends, but this never contradicted. Instead we are given even more memories where Sunny just silently exists there being “cute.”

[Sunny enriching the lives of his friends by LARPING as a cat.]

Because of the lack of meaningful interactions between them, there was nothing in the game that made me think that these 12-15 year olds would have a strong enough bond that would survive 3-4 years of no contact after finding their friend hanged. In fact, that discovery only drove them farther apart. The only person who I could believe actually had a close bond was Basil, who almost literally filled that trope of being the friend who would help you bury a body (or in this case, help Sunny cover up the accidental manslaughter).

The writing fix for this would be simple: instead of showing us the same boring birthday and beach scenes over again, give the kids memories of overcoming some age-appropriate adversity together: heartbreak over an unrequited crush, anxiety over homework, sports injury, lost dogs, divorced parents, running away from home, bullying, etc. Set a precedent of the friends supporting each other through good times AND bad times. Without such backstory, Sunny’s friendships allegedly giving him the courage to overcome his guilt feels like a lie.

2. Sunny abandoning Basil in the bathroom scene

One of the most confusing moments in the game was Sunny’s negligence when Basil has his first breakdown in his bathroom. This part of the game is player-controlled, which is a strange writing decision because all you can do is click on Basil and various bathroom amenities over and over which completely saps the urgency out of the scene. When you try to leave, Basil begs Sunny to stay, but (due to a lack of player options) Sunny walks out without a word. With no option to talk to him OR get help for him, it makes Sunny seem exceptionally cruel to Basil. In fact, I was starting to wonder if the game was setting up for some sort of twist that Sunny DIDN’T care about his friends, which would fix some of the confusion in point #1. However, as we know, that is not the case. Therefore, Sunny’s negligence/apathy towards Basil’s pain feels like a lie.

The writing fix would be to make it MORE clear that Sunny is intentionally running away from Basil. Make it a cutscene, or, give a false choice such as “Leave Basil? Yes / Yes”. After Sunny leaves, Kel should make some remark about Sunny looking odd, “You look sort of shaken up, is there something you want to tell me?” then hit it home with Sunny shaking his head. This would make it more clear that Sunny is intentionally hiding Basil’s state, as opposed to just being a bad friend. As it stands, it just felt like a writing mistake.

3. Basil and Sunny working together to stage Mari’s death as a suicide

This is the plot hole that I see the most complaints over, but it’s so big I have to address it. Accidentally pushing Mari down the stairs I understand, but the rest is too absurd. Below are some of the “lies” that the writing tries to get away with:

That Sunny and Basil wouldn’t just claim she slipped and fell.

That either boy would even come up with this sick plan.

That they wouldn’t back out of this idea during the multi-step process (carrying her downstairs, outside, getting the jump rope, tying a noose, putting it around her neck, stringing her up, hiding the evidence... This is a series of multiple decisions, not one quick accident like the initial push.)

That it’s not the image of Mari’s death that traumatized Sunny, but the image of what they chose to do to her body that traumatized them. I understand the image of Mari hanging is more dramatic, but they literally did it themselves so why is that more haunting than Sunny killing her?

That Mari’s true cause of death wouldn’t be immediately obvious to the parents, the police, the friends, EVERYONE. (I’ve seen fans try to get rid of this plot hole by hypothesizing that the parents knew and covered it up, but the evidence of this is circumstantial at best. The father saying, “You’re not my son,” is unreliable since it happens in Sunny’s headspace. Divorce is common after the death of a child, and, at the very least, Sunny’s mom doesn’t show any evidence of knowing what happened. The way it is written, only Sunny and Basil know the truth.)

The ridiculousness of this twist is so extreme that it completely broke any immersion I had left. Frankly, the reveal that the happy, loveable Mari committed suicide is a far heavier and more realistic twist than a crazy murder-cover-up story is.

Additionally, it seems like Basil was only written into this scene in order to make Sunny the true victim of what happened. After all, Sunny may have pushed her, but it was Basil who came up with the demented cover up. (This is apparent from just the photos but the datamined Truth Album confirms it.) By having Basil come up with the plan, the game splits the guilt between the two of them to make the kids easier to sympathize with. It’s problematic because if Basil was not in the scene, there would be no way to justify what Sunny did to Mari. So why is what they did easier to accept when they worked together?

Fixing the writing lie: Sunny lies and says that Mari slipped. Remove Basil from the scene, and instead have Sunny confide in Basil which forces Basil to become a co-conspirator and burdens him with the terrible truth.

4. Sunny’s friends forgiving him and Basil for what they did to Mari

Last but not least, the story heavily implies that Hero, Kel, and Aubrey will forgive Basil and Sunny for what they did to Mari. I found this to be almost as unbelievable as the staged-suicide stunt.

It feels like a lie since the group’s friendship is never established as anything beyond shallow hang outs from 3+ years ago (see point #1).

It feels like a lie because this is hot off the heels of Aubrey being so distraught over Mari and the following fall out that in the last three days she 1.) attacked Sunny and Kel with a nail bat TWICE, 2.) Stole Basil’s photobook, and 3.) Shoved Basil in the lake. This trauma is still very fresh for her.

It feels like a lie because the complexity of the staged-suicide is so extreme, one would be hard pressed to forgive ANYONE for doing that, be it friend, foe, parent, sibling, lover, etc.

I’ve seen fans argue that the ending is not about forgiveness, it’s about telling the truth, and I want to believe that. Really. If the ending was about Sunny starting his redemption arc by telling the truth no matter what the consequences are, that would be a meaningful lesson. But the writing does not support that. The ending headspace segments are focused on assuring Sunny that his friends will support/forgive him no matter what. To do this, the game shows us the shallow photobook memories (again) to show how much they allegedly care about each other. Then, when fighting Omori, Sunny remembers these quotes from his friends, which directly correlate to their unconditional support:

KEL: Friends... Friends are supposed to be there for each other.

AUBREY: I hope you can find some peace... or you know... some happiness.

HERO: We made the mistake of leaving each other when we needed each other the most. This time... we’ll stay together.

BASIL: Maybe one day... things can go back to the way they were before.

The really direct evidence that this ending is about getting forgiveness is this quote from Basil in Sunny’s headspace:

[BASIL: “AUBREY, KEL and HERO are good friends. You have to trust that they’ll forgive us.”]

This is one of the last scenes before Sunny tells his friends the truth, proving that obtaining forgiveness from his FRIENDS is in fact the leading motivation for Sunny’s actions.

Fixing this writing lie is easy. Instead, adjust the writing to be about telling the truth, not about how much the friends will still love Sunny. Have headspace Basil say, “Even if they don’t forgive us, Aubrey, Kel, and Hero deserve to know the truth. It’s the only way to make things right... or close to it.”

Conclusion

OMORI is undeniably a cute game with a strong visual identity, and has a premise that could make for a very compelling experience. However, the sloppy plot and weak character writing cause the potential of this game to be squandered. There are other issues as well that I chose not to cover for the sake of time, such as the poor pacing of the dragged out dungeons and the bizarre, unrealistic behavior of characters in the “real” world.

However, there are a few more glaring problems with OMORI that I have to address: In part 2 of my critique, I break down what may be the biggest problem with OMORI’s writing: the message.

[ Link to Part 2: OMORI’s Message is Mishandled and Distasteful ]

#omori #omori hate #omori spoilers #review #words #fun fact i named sunny 'moony' so I had to consciously change all the moons to suns in this essay #suicide cw

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katsukikitten · 4 years ago

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♡ last but not least - 1k words comments welcome

You twirl in the mirror twice, checking your reflecting before smoothing down your casual, yet somewhat dressy buffalo plaid dress. Debating if you should change.

Again.

For the fifth time.

Your boyfriend watches from the door jamb sighing as he pushes himself off the frame. Gliding into the reflective glass he stand tall behind you, his red hair relaxed as he's pulled it back into a little bun. He pulls you by your hips to him as he nuzzles your neck with his nose, your perfume tickles his nose and he inhales deeply.

"Ready to go?" He purrs and you shrug, biting at your lipstick clad lip.

"I don't know, is this too casual? Too dressy? Should I wear jeans? You're in jeans but also a button down shirt…" You look at his outfit, black jeans and a buffalo plaid button up that matches. The thought unintentional. He sighs letting his ruby eyes fall over your gorgeous frame.

"Baby, I promise you they'll love you. They won't care what you wear or how you look, they only care about how you make me feel." He kisses the rapid pulse in your throat swaying you on your feet, "And baby you make me feel good."

You relax into his touch, swaying in time with his feet.

"Yea,okay." You agree to probably the most agreeable man in the world. His eyes light up soothing some of your nervousness.

But not all of it and it returns full force as he pulls up to his old childhood home.

"Baby." You grab onto his hand, squeezing his fingers with all of your might. He brings your hand to his lips, a chaste kiss on your knuckles just before he speaks.

"Just smile baby, that's all it will take for them to fall in love with you. That's all it took for me." His words make your heart flutter, he exits the car when he sees you've calmed down. Opening the passenger side door for you, offering his hand for help that you gladly take. The street is quiet, the snow falling silently to rest on the tops of warm homes and bare outstretched branches.

It is a stark difference to the volume of the home that can be heard through the wreath clad door. Kirishima offers a shy sharp toothed smile.

"I told you we're a loud family." He grabs for the door knob, "You ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be." Sweat collects on your brow as he opens the door, stepping out of his shoes as you follow suit. He isn't given much time before his mother hears the door, rushing into the foyer with excitement. She gasps loudly as she takes in the sight of her strong son.

"My baby Eijirou!" She exclaims coming closer to cup his cheeks, she dots on him for a moment.

"Hey momma." He kisses her on the cheek before her thin hands move to you, cupping your face gently, "You must be the girlfriend I've heard so much about. Kamisama your smile is so bright!"

"He-hello ma'am." She gives you a pointed look before dropping your face to grab at your hands.

"It's okaasan. Now come, come. You have the whole family to meet." She pulls you with ease to the rest of the party while you give Kirishima a panicked look over your shoulder. All he can do is shrug his as he follows closely behind.

"Everyone look! It's baby Eijirou's girlfriend we've all heard such good things about!" She introduces you and the crowd of family shouts back a warm hello, "It's a pleasure to finally have you here. Please make yourself at home."

She squeezes your hand before stepping closer to her son to give him a long hug before disappearing into the kitchen. Kirishima grabs your hand and introduces you individually to well over twenty people making your anxiety skyrocket as you try your best to remember their names.

"And this is Sobo." He says, bringing you to a woman who hardly looked to be a grandmother. You bow your head and she laughs in response.

"So formal among family." She says softly, patting the chair beside her. You slip into the chair with ease, "Eji, dear get us something to drink while we talk?"

Your eyes grow wide, pleading for him not to leave the two of you alone, he offers a soft smile before saying.

"I'll be right back Sobo." And with that he turns on his heel, leaving the two of you tucked away in the corner of the large room to look over the family. Kirishima is stopped on his way to the kitchen more times than you can count as you wait for the shoe to drop.

This was it, this was where you would get the talk of how Kirishima was too good for you and that the sooner you left him the better. She opens her mouth to speak and you grind your teeth.

"What is it about my grandson that you love?" She turns to you, ruby red eyes glistening beneath the twinkling lights. Silence envelops your small corner as the smell of food wafts your way. Swallowing thickly you speak the truth.

"He is kind, it is almost otherworldly. He is strong, brave and never afraid to show emotion or to be vulnerable. He is a man who was raised well and I love him for him." It all slips out as you watch him laugh with his cousins, a smile that you always wear when you gaze at him.

Sobo watches you, your eyes, your demeanor and when she knows the words you speak are true. She smiles herself.

"Let me show you something." She says softly, pulling at a book on the nearby bookshelf. She settles back into her chair setting it on the dark wood table. She flips the cover open and points at the first black and white picture of a handsome man with long dark hair.

"This was my husband and I loved him dearly. Eijirou reminds me a lot of him, so you can see he is precious to me." She begins, her frail finger pointing out their wedding photo next, "I need to know he will be loved and safe. If I could keep him from ever knowing pain I would."

You nod in agreement wanting nothing more than to keep your man pure of heart and pain free.

"But life doesn't work that way. In all my years I've learned that the hard way." She flips the pages again, as you watch her belly swell with each image, her family growing before your eyes. Finally she flips to her children's children, all or them amassed or spread across the pages. You are a young Kirishima with black hair in a still frame.

"So I must trust in the people he surrounds himself with. People can say things but never mean it. His close friend Bakugou is a great example. He is harsh and pigheaded but I know he would protect my grandson with his life." She sighs looking over the photos as you glance at her face. She smiles meeting your eyes, "I'd like to thank I can put my trust into you as well."

She leaves no room for you to respond before she flips a few pages back, telling stories of each captured moment.

Kirishima finally makes it to the kitchen after spending a half an hour trying to keep his talking to a minimum. But he couldn't blame his family it had been months since he had seen most of them and besides it's not as if Sobo would say anything rude to you even if she somehow disapproved of you. He pours a cup of tea and a mixed drink for you. Gently pushing his way through the crowd with the drinks as an excuse not to linger.

Finally the two of you come into view and he freezes in his tracks. The first thing he sees is the frayed edges of the book. The family album spread open before you as Sobo shares the treasured memories.

Tears form in his eyes as he watches the scene unfold in disbelief. Of all his girlfriends he is glad Sobo has bonded with you. The others were only tolerated and even the one he brought multiple years in a row never even knew of the family album. But there you sat, smiling, laughing with Sobo who's crows feet giving her a certain type of magic. He sighs, holding the breath he didn't even know he was holding. Walking towards two women that held his heart.

"You ladies having fun?" He asks, setting down the glasses as he looks over Sobo's shoulder.

"Eijirou, I think you should let your black hair come back! Look at how cute you were!" You exclaim pointing to an old photo. He cannot help but smile, fingers absentmindedly feeling at his strands. Sobo looks up at him while you gush over the album pulling her attention back with more questions. Sobo secretly grabs for Kirishima's hand and slips something small and cool into his palm.

When he pulls his hand away he notices the old small ring biting his lip to keep his tears in.

Not that he needed his grandmother's approval for what he was already planning to do in the new year but it was definitely a relief to have. He smiles down at the women clothing the old ruby ring in his hand as he fights to keep his voice even.

"I'll leave you two to your fun. I'm sure we'll make memories for the album soon enough"

#kirishima x reader #bnha x reader #eijirou kirishima x reader #kirishima eijirou x reader #bnha holiday #bnha holiday special #bnha fluff #kirishima fluff

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onewithnomightypowers · 3 years ago

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clandestine (chapter 2)

PAIRING: Tom Holland x fem!Reader

SUMMARY: Y/N is an up and coming actress, married to a once hotshot actor, Harrison (Haz). What happens when her co-star, Tom, makes her realise that she is stuck in a loveless marriage. A marriage starts crumbling and a new romance stars brewing.

chapter 2: portrait of a dinner

A/N: the characters in no way portray how these ppl are in real life. i do not encourage cheating. i hope you guys like this chapter!! i would love to know how you guys feel about the story. feedback is always appreciated.

warnings: drinking, smoking, cursing

word count: 1.6k

important: the whole chapter is a flashback, character thoughts are in bold italics

masterlist series masterlist chapter 1 chapter 3

“I rent a place on Cornelia street”, Tom said casually in the car. They were sitting in the backseat of a black town car, going for their shoot. Y/N had suggested that they travel together, in an attempt to get to know each other better. She said, “It would help with the on screen chemistry”, the whole production team agreed. But that did not become a norm for them, mostly because of their different call times.

Both of them had hectic filming schedules and only saw each other when they had scenes together. Sometimes they would bump into each other at the craft service, but otherwise, they were on their own.

During the last few weeks of filming, Tom had started getting her coffee. He had noticed how she took her coffee during the shooting. Black with one sugar.

“There you go”, Tom handed her the coffee. “Thanks Tom.” He gave her a smile. She was walking towards the door, and Tom started following her behind.

“I’m going to hair and makeup, do you wanna tag along?” she asked him.

“Sure, I have a 15 minute break anyway”

“Have you seen Hot Rod? I watched it last night” she didn’t know why she asked that silly question. She found it embarrassing.

“That Andy Samberg movie, right?” Tom nodded, “Yeah I watched it a long time ago, it’s a classic”

“I totally watched it for Bill Hader” She found herself easing up to him.

“Valid reason. Loved him on SNL. Do you know Stefon? from SNL?” She reached for the door handle, a gush of cold air was felt by both of them.

“Don’t even get me started on Stefon. I used to watch Stefon compilations on YouTube all the time. It became a problem” she chuckled, remembering how Haz used to get pissed off whenever she’d talk in a ‘Stefon’ tone.

Oh, I love it when she chuckles like that. I wish I could kiss her. NO. She is fucking married, Tom.

“Yes yes yes, New York’s hottest club is…” Tom tried to imitate Bill Hader as Stefon. He looked around a bit and pointed towards the paparazzi, who were trying to take pictures of anything worth money. “New York’s hottest club is paparazzi” he continued.

“If paparazzi is the hottest club, then I’m fine staying at home” Y/N was laughing so hard that she couldn’t breathe. She clutched Tom’s arm to avoid falling down while trying to contain her laughter. She hadn’t had a good laugh with Haz in a long time.

Tom found himself at Y/N’s doorsteps with cheap wine he bought from the convenience store last minute. Y/N had invited Tom and his partner for dinner during the last week of shooting.

“Oh, I’m not seeing anyone actually, but my lonely heart and I will be there”, Tom replied to Y/N’s invitation.

He rang the bell and waited for someone to open the door. Tom was met by Haz’ charming smile, as he opened the door. Tom could see right through his fake smile. Clueless to Y/N and Haz’ fight prior, he entered the two story building.

“Why did you invite him without asking me?” Haz screamed, slamming the plates on the table.

“I didn’t think you’d be home tonight, you never are” Y/N replied in the same tone as Haz

“So you were going to have dinner with him, alone?”

“Yes” she said in a crude way.

“Are you fucking him?” Just as Haz asked her, the doorbell rang.

It would be better fucking him than fucking you. At least he’ll be home.

Y/N entered the kitchen leaving Haz to open the door. “You must be Tom” said Haz, in his most likeable voice.

“Yeah and you must be Haz. I got this for you guys”, Tom handed him the wine bottle.

He’s a bloody hotshot and brought us cheap wine.

“Hey Tom, I’m so glad you could make it”, Y/N said, taking Tom in for a hug. She could feel Haz burning a hole behind her head with his gaze.

She pulled out of the hug, “do you want red or white wine?”

“Red”, Harrison and Tom said in unison. Y/N let out a little chuckle and went into the kitchen. Tom started noticing the little things in their house, like how there were film and Polaroid cameras scattered everywhere. There was a vinyl shelf right above an old golden gramophone, adjacent to their brown leather couch.

He noticed a collage of pictures and recognised some of the photos from the time they were taken on set. There was one with him and Y/N. He felt a sense of pride knowing that their picture hung on Y/N’s wall and the possibility of her looking at it every day.

“So, what do you wanna hear?” Harrison was standing next to their vinyl collection. “Since Y/N lives here, we have everything Taylor Swift, I don’t suppose you’re into that pop shit, are you?”

“Actually I do like pop but more like alt-pop”

Harrison wasn’t surprised. He seemed like a ‘Beach House’ kinda guy anyway, to him.

“So you like alt-pop?” Y/N walked towards the boys with two glasses of red wine in her hands. “Have you heard of ‘peter cat recording co.’?” she asked Tom

“Yes I have! Oh, I thought nobody knew about them. I’m glad I found you”, Tom was filled with giddy excitement.

“PCRC it is, then”, Haz said in an annoyed tone. He grabbed the vinyl of ‘portrait of a time’, their first album, and placed it on the gramophone.

“Babe, where is your glass?” Haz asked Y/N.

“Oh I, shit I left it in the kitchen”

“No worries I’ll get it”, Haz kissed her cheek and left the living room.

Even though Y/N knew it was fake niceties, she still craved it. It felt nice, behaving like a normal couple instead of fighting over every damn thing, and him storming out of the house almost every night. Sometimes she felt that Harrison was a hypocrite. He would accuse her of cheating with every guy in her life, but wouldn’t be home nine out of ten times.

They were now seated on their wooden dining table, with dried flowers in the middle. Haz and Y/N were sitting opposite to Tom. There was Chinese takeout in their fancy china.

“Sorry about the take out, neither of us are good at cooking and we didn’t want you getting sick”, Y/N tried to justify the absence of a home cooked meal.

“It’s fine as long as I’m getting fed”, Tom chuckled.

“No actually all this food is only for Y/N and me”, Haz said, trying to sound serious.

That was a bad joke, all of them thought.

There was an awkward silence. Haz cleared his throat, “So Y/N, are you seeing someone?”

“Haz, you can’t just ask someone that!”

“It’s okay Y/N. No Haz, I’m not seeing anyone at the moment.” Tom said, blushing at the personal question.

“So you are single”, Haz said looking at Y/N, in an attempt to imply that she might be having an affair with him.

Trying to hide her annoyance, Y/N started serving the food. The rest of the dinner was normal. They talked about the movie and Haz did not spontaneously combust. In Y/N’s mind, it was near to a success. When Tom started to leave, Y/N offered to drop him to his apartment building, but he settled on walking him one block.

Y/N grabbed her jacket as they left the house. She pulled out a box of cigarettes from her pocket and offered Tom.

“Oh, I don’t smoke”

Y/N scuffed with a cigarette between her teeth.

“What kind of an English man are you?” she said, lighting her cigarette.

“Well you know it’s a common misconception, we don’t all smoke”

“That’s good to know”, she took a long drag.

“Also you might not like the wine I brought you. I realised pretty late that I should be getting you something because I was visiting your house for the first time, so I bought the best wine I could find in that convenience store”, he pointed towards the store a few metres away from them.

“Its fine, it’ll remind me of my youth”, they both laughed.

“I guess this is one block, you should go back home now”, Tom said while trying hail a cab by waving his right hand frantically, at the edge of the curb. He looked ridiculous.

“You clearly have never done this before” she laughed at him, turning Tom’s face red.

She stepped off the curb, to be seen clearly by the oncoming traffic, put out her arm and a cab was there in seconds.

“So I guess I’ll see you around” he said while pulling Y/N into a hug.

His touch made her hyper aware and same could be said for Tom. Y/N started to pull out but stopped half way. It felt like they were both looking inside each other’s soul through their eyes.

“Ay, lovebirds, you comin or not”, the cab driver screamed making them break away. He got in and Y/N closed the door for him. That’s when her phone pinged.

Haz: where are you, I’m going out.

#tom holland #tom holland x reader #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland x actress!reader #tom holland imagine #tom holland smut #tom holland fic #tom holland fluff #tom holland self insert #clandestine #harrison osterfeild x reader #harrison osterfield #marvel #marvel fanfiction #spiderman x reader #spiderman #taylor swift

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sappy-seresin · 4 years ago

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left behind (j.m)

A/N: This imagine is based off of the song “All My Friends,” by AJ Mitchell. It doesn’t entirely relate to the song, and didn’t turn out exactly how I thought it would, but I hope that you enjoy it nonetheless. This is my first “Outer Banks,” related imagine, I’m sure it doesn’t do the show justice, but I thought I’d try because I can’t stop thinking about the show.

The sections in bold are song lyrics and flashbacks are in italics; just to clear any potential confusion.

Requests are open, as always, feel free to request anything Outer Banks related...or any of the other that fandoms I write for!

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“I’m done, I can’t do this anymore,” JJ broke down rushing around his room to aimlessly throw his belongings into his bag.

“JJ, please calm down,” I beg, reaching out to touch him until John B’s arms wrapped around my waist, halting my movements. I look up at him in frustration, trying to force myself out of his arms.

“Stop, he needs to do this,” he commands softly, holding me against his chest. Kie, Pope, and Sarah watch the scene in silence, the tension in the room growing thicker as we watch JJ pack his bags.

“JJ-”

“Don’t Kie, nothing you say is going to keep me from leaving,” he barks, glaring at her. His whole body trembling with anger due to argument that he had with his dad moments earlier. “I’m done.”

My heart drops at the sight of him; knowing full well that even I won’t be able to convince him to stay.

An hour later we stand on the dock watching hundreds of people board the ferry. Everyone stands in silence anticipating having to say goodbye, but seemingly afraid of the moment that we’d be forced to do so.

JJ’s hand slides into mine tightly gripping onto my fingers. I close my eyes, trying to stay calm and support his decision of leaving the island, even though I want to beg him to stay.

“It’s time,” Pope sighs, breaking the silence as we all share sad glances.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” I whisper to JJ, pulling him into my arms. “I’ll talk to my parents, you know that they’ll let you stay with us. Please, just don’t leave me here.”

“I can’t move in with you,” he states, his words slightly muffled by my hair. “I have to go, and I need you to support this decision.”

“Then let me come with you,” I insist, frowning when he pulls himself from my grasp so that he can look at me. “We promised that we’d never leave each other-”

“We were four years old,” he sighs, shaking his head. “I love you but this is something I need to do on my own, okay?” I simply nod in response; not trusting my voice. He pulls me back into his arms one last time, whispering a “thank you” before he moved to say his goodbyes to everyone else. I stand to the side, looking anywhere but at my friends as each of them had their moment with him.

Kie and Sarah joined me, giving me sympathetic looks before pulling me into side hugs so that we could stand together. I lay my head on Sarah’s shoulder, watching John B pull JJ into his arms one last time.

“Take care of yourself, JJ,” he stated as they pulled away from each other.

“You know I will,” he winked, clearly trying to lighten the mood and take our attention away from the tears threatening to spill from his eyes. He takes a moment to salute at us, his eyes meeting mine one last time before he spun around to board the ferry without looking back.

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“Why can’t I just hide in my room,” I huff exasperatedly flopping on my bed backwards tired of hearing my mom ramble about needing to get back to a normal routine.

“Listen to me, it’s been nearly a month. I know how deeply you care for him, but this has got to stop,” she states walking out of my closet empty handed. “You’ve never liked this house, and now it seems that all you want to do is spend your time here. As much as I love having you around, I’m worried.”

“Mom,” I groan, shifting to face her. “You don’t have to worry. I’m perfectly fine.”

“I’m your mother. As much as you think you can lie to me, you can’t. So don’t start,” she warns, raising her eyebrows as she sat on the bed next to me. I sigh, shoulders slumping in defeat, as the front I attempted to put on slowly vanished. “Love is strong, especially when you’re young. Sadly, when you sign up for love you also sign up for potential heartbreak. The fact that you’re hurting so deeply just shows that it was real.” I listen intently, tears springing into my eyes at her words.

“But I didn’t sign up for it, mom. He’s my best friend, not my boyfriend,” I huff, as if trying to deny what I already know is true.

“You and I know full well that you don’t have to be dating someone to be in love,” she replies, sending me a gentle smile. “Your relationship with JJ is a prime example of that. You’ve been in love with that boy for years and, from what I’ve seen, he is just as in love with you.”

“I know that you’re mourning what you lost, but you can’t stop living because of this,” she continues, tucking hair behind my ear, caressing my cheek. Her thumb wiping away the single tear escaping my eye. “You have friends that love you; who want to be able to walk through this with you and quite frankly, I’m running out of excuses as to why they can’t come see you.” A quiet laugh falls from my lips between quiet sniffles, still unable to muster up any words.

“I know you feel alone, because you love him, but your friends are working through letting go of JJ too. You weren’t the only one the boy left behind when he left the island. He was their best friend too,” her fingers tenderly brush through my tangled hair, knowing how that it’s always helped me relax. “With that being said, I think you would start feeling a lot better if you stopped pushing them away, don’t you?”

“I guess,” I sniffle, not enjoying the fact that she’s right.

“Great, because I told them to pick you up on the dock in an hour,” she smiles brightly, scrunching up her face as she awaits my response.

“Mom,” I exclaim, shooting up from my bed. “Why would you do that? I haven’t showered in a week! There’s so much that needs to be done!”

She laughs from her spot on the bed, watching me haphazardly pull clothes out of my closet. I hurry towards the bathroom with a heap of clothes in my arms, pausing to drop everything on the bed to wrap her in a hug. “Thank you.”

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Crowded but a lonely place

Sittin’ at a table full of double dates

And everywhere I go, I wanna see your face

I take a sip from the solo cup in my cold hands, shuddering due to the breeze that passed by. My attention on John B and Sarah seated across from me, laughing at something Pope had said. The boneyard buzzing with multiple groups of people due to the kegger currently taking place on the beach.

I zone out from the conversation to study my surroundings. A familiar emptiness settling in as I mindlessly scan the crowd in search of JJ even though I know he isn’t here. Scanning my surroundings in search of him has become a part of my routine; seemingly a side affect of missing him.

My eyes trail over my friends, each looking exceptionally light, carelessly engrossed in their conversation. Two months ago, I would have been happy at the sight but something is missing. Someone is missing and I’ve caught myself feeling completely alone in moments like this one. JJ’s arm should be carelessly draped over my shoulders but instead there’s an empty spot next to me, and a deep longing that never seems to go away. Our group has been perfectly paired up ever since Sarah and John B got together, Pope and Kiara following soon after, but now I’m always left feeling like a fifth wheel on a double date.

“Hey,” Kie’s voice cals, pulling my attention back to my friends. The small fire in front of us casts shadows on each of them as I’m met with Kie’s concerned face. “You good?” Her question catches me off guard and forces me to shift uncomfortably in lawn chair under everyone’s gaze.

“Um, yeah, I’m fine. I guess that it’s kind of hard to enjoy parties anymore,” I shrug, trying to muster up a reassuring smile. “They’re not the same without JJ.” Her concerned expression drops into one of sympathy and I immediately regret saying anything. John B whispers something to Sarah, pressing a soft kiss against her temple, before he moves to take the empty seat next to me. He wordlessly slings his arm over my shoulders and pulls me into him, resting his chin on my head.

“I miss him too,” he whispers looking down at me.

“I should’ve gone with him,” I state, John’s eyes softening at the tears filling my eyes. “When we were young, we promised each other that we wouldn’t leave unless we were together.” A tearful laugh falls from my lips at the memory. “Yet, when it actually came down to it, he didn’t seem to give leaving me behind a second thought. I should have tried harder to-”

“Stop,” John interrupts gently tilting my chin so I would look at him. “I know it hurts, but I love you too much to watch you do this to yourself.”

His thumbs catch tears that I didn’t even realize were falling. “JJ is stubborn and hard to get through to, you know that. I know there was a part of him that wanted to take you with him but he needed to do himself. We’ve been cleaning up after him for as long as I can remember. I think he realized that he needed to be able to make his own decision without having anyone else to worry about.”

“I want to hate him,” I admit with a heavy sigh. “I feel like I want to be angry with him but I can’t.” John nods in agreement, seeming to understand what I meant. “I just feel so broken, JB. He’s my best friend.”

“I know,” he sighs, pulling me against his chest again. “We’ll get through it together.” ---------------- Pictures, I’m reminded

Of good times, how we tried it

Don’t know how to get you out of my mind

I don’t have it in me to deny it

Sitting cross-legged on the floor of the guest bedroom at the chateau, I shuffle through the old photo album I’d found. My lips curve into a smile when I come across a couple of more recent photos that were haphazardly stuffed into the back of the tethered book. They were taken on a cheap disposable camera that JJ bought me after he overheard me talking to Kiara about how much I’d been wanting to buy one.

It was a beautiful day so we’d packed the HMS Pogue up with fishing supplies and snacks having opted to spend the day on the water.

The sun had just started going down, each of us sun kissed and slightly tipsy as we waited for the sunset. I was curled up on the front of the boat with JJ, clad in his t-shirt with a blanket strewn across our laps. My back rested against his front, his chest vibrating with soft laughter as John B clambered back into the boat, soaking wet, after he’d lost his balance while wrestling with Pope. John B let out a string of threats as we all laughed at him, mostly due to the look on his face when he realized he was going down.

I smiled at the way that JJ hugged me closer to him when our laughter died down. He adjusted me in his lap, his arms still wrapped tightly around my torso as I focused on the sunset ahead of us. I was so focused on the view that I didn’t notice Kie approaching us with my camera in her hands. We’d all taken turns taking photos on it because I was antsy to get them developed to see how they would turn out.

JJ, also oblivious to Kie’s presence, pressed a gentle kiss to the crown of my head right as the flash of the camera went off causing both of us to jump slightly.

“My eyes,” JJ exclaims, a laugh falling my lips when his hands suddenly moved in front of my eyes as if he was going to protect them from another flash. I heard the camera click again causing JJ to protest. “Kie, I’m going blind here.”

JJ’s hands fell from my eyes; returning to their original spot on my waist. Kie stood in front of us lifting my camera again to taunt him. My head fell back against JJ’s chest, loud loud laughs falling from my lips, as JJ shouted threats at Kie. Pope and John B had since joined in on the fun, egging Kie on. JJ halted his movements, an endearing smile on his face as he looked down at me, watching me laugh.

“Now would be a good time to take a picture, Kie,” John whispered, prompting her to catch the sweet moment.

I shake my head; fingers delicately brushing over the pictures.

“I thought you’d be hiding in here,” John’s voice rang, pulling me out of my trance. I look up at him from my position on the floor. His arms cross against his chest, a lazy smile on his lips, as he leaned against the door frame.

“Yeah, sorry,” I blush, watching him stalk over to where I’m seated.

“I remember that day,” he smiles, taking one of the pictures from my hands. “Times we much simpler then.” I nod in agreement; wordlessly pushing a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

“I thought he was going to kiss me,” I admit with a small laugh.

“Me too. I’m convinced that he would have if Kie hadn’t ruined the mood,” John replies, moving to flip through the photo album on the floor.

“Actually, the mood wouldn’t have been ruined if you hadn’t encouraged her to take the picture. So I think you’re the one to blame,” I joke, shoving his shoulder.

“That may be true, but at least we captured the moment and you can keep it forever.” He throws his hands up in surrender and gestures to the picture before returning his attention to the photo album.

“He loves you a lot. You know that right?” John asks, breaking the comfortable silence. “God, he always looked at you like that.” John’s voice broke with a lighthearted laugh.

“He did, didn’t he?” I whisper, relishing in the memories of how JJ always looked at me as if I was all that mattered. “I can’t stop thinking about him, John B. I mean, he’s been gone for weeks and hasn’t even bothered to call. Doesn’t he realize that we’re worried about him? I can’t walk into a room without looking for him or go to sleep without having nightmares about him being alone.”

“Hey, it’s JJ we’re talking about. He’ll come around eventually. I miss him like hell, but I know that he needed to go.”John assured pulling the pictures out of my hands so that I would look at him. His hand came up to caress my cheek, just like JJ had done since we were young. “I also know that he’d hate it if he knew how much this is hurting you.”

“I just wish he’d call. I hate missing him.”

“I know,” he sighs, pulling me into a loose hug. We stayed like that for a long time, John holding me against his chest as he quietly shared stories about his dad. We only moved when my head began lulling to the side, fighting to keep my eyes open. John wordlessly stood up, sticking his hand out for me to grab. “I’ll tell your mom that you’re staying over again.”

“Thank you,” I yawn, giving him a quick hug before he exited the room. I turn around, pulling on one of the sweatshirts JJ always left out for me to wear. It doesn’t smell like him anymore, but still brings me the same sense of comfort that it always has.

Spending the night at the chateau is the only way I seem to be able to get a decent nights sleep nowadays. Something about staying in the guest room, that JJ practically claimed as his own, seemed to cure my tendency to lie awake at night worrying about him. I curl under the covers feeling myself relax almost immediately as sleep welcomed me. --------------------

Cause everybody, everybody knows something I don’t

Where are they? I think to myself, eyebrows furrowing together when I notice that the Twinkie isn’t parked in front of John B’s house. I stalk up the driveway and let myself into the house.

“Hello,” I call, only to be met with silence. I pull my phone out of my pocket, quickly dialing Kie’s number in confusion.

“Hey you,” She answers, sounding slightly nervous.

“Where are you guys? I thought we were meeting at the chateau,” I respond, ignoring her tone.

“Pope was supposed to call you,” she sighs, only making my confusion grow.

“What do you mean, why?”

“Well, we all kind of got called into work last minute. The boys are helping Heyward set up for midsummer’s and I have to cover for a waitress that didn’t come in,” she explains, and I hear hushed whispers on the other line.

“Why do you sound so weird? What’s wrong?” I ask, noticing the weird strain in her voice.

“Weird? I don’t sound weird. Everything’s fine,” she dismissed. The whispers on her end of the phone only growing louder. I can’t make out what’s being said but I’m certain that John B was among the people whispering.

“Kie, what is going on? Are the boys th-”

“Hey, I’m sorry I have to go. Sorry for bailing on the plans last minute, but it’s urgent. I’ll meet you at Sarah’s to get ready for tonight,” she quickly rushes before hanging up the phone.

I slide my phone into my pocket with a frown, deciding to walk to Sarah’s now seeing as everyone else seems to be busy. I kick at loose rocks on the ground; thinking back to my conversation with Kie. They’re definitely hiding something. I furrow my eyebrows, feeling annoyed due to being in the dark about what was going on.

I can’t seem to settle down,

Cause I’m waiting on you to come around

Midsummers has been going on for nearly an hour, and I’ve been on edge the whole time. This year was the first year that all of the Pogues, excluding JJ, are attending the party. Pope being here to help Heyward prepare food while John B is Sarah’s plus one.

I’ve been eyeing my friends closely all night, noticing multiple moments of hushed whispers whenever I came back around. I’ve only grown more and more frustrated at their lack of explanation as to why they are acting so suspicious.

“Okay, I don’t know what the hell is going on, but I’m over it. If someone doesn’t give me answers right now, I’m leaving,” I huff, walking over to my friend group, huddled by the food tables away from everyone else. They turn around in surprise, my tone clearly catching them off guard. I cross my arms, patiently waiting for someone to speak while they share a glance. Everyone’s eyes landing on John B. Whose eyes were trained on something behind me, a slight smile adorning his face.

“Leaving so soon? But the party just got here,” a familiar voice states behind me causing goosebumps to rise on my skin; my breath catching in my throat. My heart pounds against my rib cage as I turn around in shock, a loud gasp leaving my lips at the sight of the blonde boy standing in front of me with his hands in his pockets.

“JJ,” I choke out, hands shooting to my mouth in disbelief. His figure blurs with the tears filling my eyes. I wordlessly watch him step closer to me, seemingly frozen in place at the sight in front of me.

“It’s me,” he whispers. “I’m right here.” All of my emotions hit me the moment his hands tenderly cup my face, thumbs brushing away the shocked tears. I throw my arms around him, trying not to make too much of a scene as quiet sobs fall from my shaking frame. A wave of peace rolls over my body at the realization that JJ is okay and is safely tucked in my arms.

The rest of the Pogues come around us, wrapping us in the middle of an emotional group hug. When the hug breaks, I cling to JJ for a few more seconds, not entirely convinced that he’s actually in front of me. His lips press a gentle kiss on my forehead, quietly assuring me that he was there.

“Don’t leave me again,” I demand, pulling myself away from his grip. “My heart can’t handle it.”

“I promise, I’m here for good,” he laughs, pulling me into one more hug before we return to reality. We spend the rest of the party catching up and enjoying each others company. For the first time in weeks, things feel okay.

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And everybody lookin’ like a honeymoon

But all that I have been looking for is me and you

Glancing around John B’s living room, a content smile forms on my face. I take a mental snapshot of the moment; relishing in how good it feels to be together again. Our bodies clad in pajamas all squished together on the small pullout couch. We shared stories for hours, everyone falling asleep one by one until me and JJ were the only two left awake.

“Do you want to go to the guest room? As much as I love these guys, I don’t really want to wake up groping any of them,” he whispered, pausing when Pope stirred in his sleep. I smile, pressing my finger to my lips to signal him to be quiet as I slowly crawl out of bed, trying not to wake any of them up. JJ follows soon after, successfully making it off of the mattress without disturbing anyone. He nods toward the hallway, lacing his fingers with mine before pulling me towards the room.

We wordlessly crawl under the covers and settle into a comfortable silence, noticing the sun beginning to peak through the blinds. JJ wraps his arms around me, pulling me into his chest with a content sigh.

“I’ve missed this,” I murmur, breaking the peaceful silence. JJ hums in agreement, pressing a chaste kiss on my forehead mumbling a soft, “me too,” against my skin. My heart swells at the feeling, a sudden wave of confidence spreading through my body forcing me to sit up in the bed abruptly, pulling myself out of his grasp.

“What’s wrong,” he asks, mirroring my movements as he shifts to face me. I instinctively grab his hand; fingers tracing the lines on his palms to keep myself from looking at him.

“I need to tell you something,” I state after a few moments of silence, hesitantly tearing my gaze away from our hands. I’m met with a concerned expression, his hand moving to push my hair out of my face.

“What is it?” I sigh at his question, nerves beginning to settle in as I stare at him. You have to tell him, I think to myself, there’s really no going back at this point.

“JJ I-” I pause, pressing my lips together in a thin line. The fear of telling him how I feel eating away at me, while he patiently waits for me to continue.

“You can tell me,” he smiles, a slight glimmer in his eyes.

“The last three months have been absolute hell,” I admit, watching his supportive expression drop at my words. “I was forced to watch everyone else continue on with their lives while I was just stuck.”

He opens his mouth to say something but I shake my head, silently beginning him to let me continue. “You’ve been this constant thought on my mind. It’s kind of funny actually, it seems that you constantly demanded my attention even when you weren’t here,” I laugh lightheartedly, wiping away the tears that escaped my eyes.

“Anyway, your being gone gave me a lot of time to think and I’ve realized that I can’t keep pretending that I don’t feel a certain way about you,” JJ’s eyes urge for me to continue as his hand gently squeezes my own. “JJ, I’m in love with you.”

My words echo in my ears, heart beating rapidly in my chest, as I stare at my best friend. “I can’t keep pretending that I’m content with just being your best friend. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way, but I have to be honest with you. All I could think about was-”

“Stop talking,” he interrupts, hands gripping my shoulders as a serious expression crosses over his face, making my heart drop. Our friendship is over. I just got him back and I’m going to lose him again. “You’re insane if you think I don’t feel the same way about you.” He moves his hands to cup my face, his eyes flickering down to my lips. “Leaving made me realize that the only time I feel safe is when I’m with you.” He hesitated for a moment before closing the gap between us with a kiss. His lips pressing against mine urgently as he pulled me into his lap.

“God, you’re all I’ve ever wanted,” he sighs, after breaking the kiss. Our chests heaving slightly due to the previous lack of air.

“Don’t leave me again,” I state, shoving him backwards onto the bed, watching him laugh in surprise. He flips us over, pinning me to the bed as his lips met mine again.

“I’m here for good,” he murmurs, pulling me into his arms after collapsing next to me. The beating of his heart lulled me into a peaceful sleep, resting on his promise to stay.

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romanceboys · 4 years ago

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(interview) gq korea february issue 2021 — shinee minho “i’m still as passionate as ever”

1. i heard that your schedule ran until dawn today. you still look energetic. no matter how exhausted i am, my condition improves once i wake up and take a shower. because it’s like the usual morning routine. 2. you take pride in the fact that your stamina is second to none, right? it reminded me of something you said long ago. i wouldn’t go as far as to say that it’s my pride, but i do know my stamina is stronger than most. my energetic appearance is my positive characteristic as well. 3. moreover, it hasn’t been long since you were discharged from the marines. well, it seems like my stamina has gotten better. hahaha. 4. there must be a lot that you want to do. what do you enjoy doing the most these days? since it’s not the kind of situation where i can roam about freely, i’ve been spending a lot of time with my family. i was with them on christmas and new year’s. i’d barely done this since debut so i think it was a good thing. even in the military, i missed my people the most. 5. that must be why on the day of your discharge you made a surprise appearance at taemin’s music broadcast waiting room. in your military uniform. i rushed straight from pohang. the shinee members were gathered to support taemin, and the staff that had been with us for over ten years was present too. when i looked back on shinee’s activities in the military, the very fun and enjoyable memories felt vague, but on that day they became clear to me right away. this is why we’ve continued together for so long. 6. what do you talk about with your members? since we’re currently preparing for our album, we’ve been talking about us as a team a lot. things like shinee’s (future) direction and what we ought to show. 7. did you figure something out? up till now shinee has often attempted unique and novel challenges, musically and stylistically. there were times when things were derived from what we did first, or even times when we had to question ourselves “is this okay?” before taking a bold step. but because we're an idol group, we folded under inevitable stereotypes and could not ignore them. however, we now collectively agree on preserving our artistic aspect well in order to show off a more distinct musical colour. 8. agreed. can you tell us which song represents shinee’s identity? the title track of the 4th album ‘view’ was shinee’s turning point. prior to this, the group was mostly known for its strength in performance, but through this song we were able to show the type of musical colour we pursued. we tried deep house at a time when the genre was unknown to k-pop and though it was not done without reservations, we got the response we expected. it’s basically what the entire (odd) album stands for. 9. besides music or performance, is there any other scene that can portray shinee well? having overcome many obstacles, we can’t define ourselves simply by saying ‘yes, this is us.’ rather, if there were to be a documentary made on shinee, i wonder how it’d be like to have the opening scene unveil the members’ perfectly human state instead of their moments of glory. for instance, saying whatever i want to without hesitation. without worrying, without walking on eggshells. 10. are you a quiet person? though i do joke around easily, i try to be careful with my words. i’m more of a listener than a talker. 11. you lived entirely as choi minho in the military. did you live true to yourself or were you able to discover a new side? it’s both. i had a lot of time for introspection. i reflected on the time spent and thought about what was good or disappointing, it unveiled a side of me that i hadn’t even considered while working as shinee minho. rather than saying it changed me, i was able to understand myself more definitively as a person. what i could be honest about and careful with with people became clear to me, i also realised that my strengths can become my weaknesses. 12. what made you think that? i thought i had an outgoing personality, but in retrospect i was more concerned about the people around me than myself. the other party can only be at ease if i’m comfortable... i was so busy being considerate that i ended up becoming stressed without realising. 13. an upright and serious image comes to mind when we say minho, turns out there was a complicated reason for it. it’s because i wasn’t even aware of it. i believe it’s something i need to work on to become a better person. this is also why i’m looking forward to my thirties. i’m curious about the areas i’ll mature in. 14. among the expressions that describe minho are passion and giving it your all. when do you think was your most passionate era? when i debuted as shinee, practicing blindly and then promoting made me feel like i was lacking a lot which affected my confidence. after our first concert, however, i became less anxious and worried. i realised that there were many fans who supported me. all i could think of was that i had to give it my best. my passion from back then is still the same as ever. it’s my understanding that i’ve come all the way to the present without cooling down. 15. what meaning does passion hold for you? does it mean that you’re very ambitious/greedy? i used to think passion and ambition meant the same thing. i was very certain that you could achieve anything if you were ambitious enough and worked hard. i hypnotized myself into believing that because i wanted it so badly, not because i was being reckless. as i started gaining more experience, i began to differentiate between the two. if passion means doing what you can to the best of your abilities, then greed is limiting yourself when you try something new because you wonder whether you can do it well. and that is why confidence is important. if you’re confident, then you can carry greed with a positive energy. 16. have you now gotten used to acting and promoting as shinee at the same time? at first i thought i could do it even if it was difficult. turns out that wasn’t the case. killing two birds with one stone wasn’t as easy as i thought. i don’t want to let either go. instead of saying yes it’s hard or i’m disappointed in the results, i believe this is a problem i need to solve. 17. your first activity after discharge was acting. you made a special appearance in the drama ‘lovestruck in the city,’ what was your first line? “please wear this.” i cannot forget it. 18. why not? one of my favourite words is ‘first.’ your first experiences are always unforgettable. seconds are usually a vague memory. that’s why firsts are extremely meaningful. standing before the camera for the first time after discharge felt like i was starting anew. the scene wasn’t even that hard, but i was very nervous. just like the first time i acted, i vividly remember the day’s situation, people, the atmosphere, and the weather. 19. do you remember your first scene as well? it’s been more than a decade. it was a one-episode short drama; the scene was filmed inside a tow truck. i don’t remember my line very well, but the actors, the hustle and bustle of the staff outside the window, the glaring sunlight, the tow truck i sat in for the first time are all still very vivid. i try not to forget it. 20. do you remember the first praise you received for your acting? hm, many people around me say nice things, but i’ve never considered those as compliments. it’s because i don’t think i’ve done anything praiseworthy yet. so let’s just say my first praise doesn’t exist for now. 21. that is a very objective yet cool answer. then what do you think is something you need courage to do? everyday things.... like cooking. i can’t bring myself to even think about it, but i should attempt it before it’s too late. 22. by the way, you started sns. you did say in an interview that you did not see the need for socials, so what changed your mind? i received so many letters from fans in the military. i read every single one of them, and in most of them fans asked me to share my daily life through sns. though i did joke around saying that i’d rather hold a personal photo exhibition than create socials, i got one as a present for fans who spent two years waiting for me. but i’m not sure if i can manage it well. 23. do you tend to record your personal life through pictures like others? haha. not at all. i’m working towards it these days. 24. when was your sns profile picture taken? when i was three or four years old. i racked my brain over this too. whether to upload a sefie or to go for a cool vibe.

translated by romanceboys — take out with full credit (source)

#shinee #minho #interview #210121 #translations #gq korea february issue 2021 #e:the story of light epilogue

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13uswntimagines · 4 years ago

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Always Yours (Christen Press x Reader)

Request: Christen Press x reader based on a song "hold me while you wait" by Lewis Capaldi

Author’s note: Hey dudes, so i couldn’t get this idea out of my head. I’m not sure how well it actually follows the song, but this is what made sense to me. I hope you enjoy! hit me up with Requests, Questions or if you just wanna say hi!

Christen sighed contently, settling back against her fiance, watching whatever boring reality show the team had chosen for the night. She reveled in the feeling of the women below her, glad that everything had finally worked out for the better. Everything was perfect, well almost. There was still a little twinge at the back of her mind that reminded her of the one person she had hurt more than the rest.

“Have you guys seen this video yet? The fans are going crazy,” Kelley asked, pulling the women out of her thoughts. Tobin grabbed the outstretched phone, holding it so Christen could see it.

“Is that Y/n,” Christen questioned, her breath leaving her when she saw your form on the small screen. The image was grainy, but it still made her heart stop to see you on stage. To see you following your dreams.

“Yeah,” Kelley smiled at them, wiggling her eyebrows at Christen.

“Why are the fans sending it to us?” Tobin mumbled, her eyebrows furrowing. As far as the fans knew, you hadn’t spoken to Chris since college.

“just watch” Kelley shrugged.

*******

You smiled out at the audience as you stepped to the front of the stage. Their clapping and cheering were almost as loud as the pounding of your heart in your ears. You would never get enough of this feeling, and you wondered if it was the same one that she had every time she stepped onto the pitch.

“Damn you guys are loud,” You laughed, the crowd roaring back. You shot them a cheeky smirk, pulling the acoustic guitar strap over your head and pushing the stray hairs that had fallen into your face back.

“Do you mind if we get serious for a few minutes?” You asked into the mic, receiving a cheer of approval in response. As much as the fans loved you upbeat stuff, they went even crazier when it was just you, them, and your trusty guitar.

“Ok, cool.” You smirked, beginning to pluck the opening chord to the next song in your set absentmindedly.

“So, the past few years have been kinda a rollercoaster ride for me. You know, I met this person, and they were my… everything.” You stated, a wistful, faraway look taking over your usual charming smile.

“And sometimes I thought that they could love me too, but they could never make up their mind, and I settled for them just being there. I settled for them letting me hold them while they figured out what they wanted,” Your voice turned sad and bitter. You had wanted her more than anything on the planet, but she didn’t know if she wanted you or Tobin, and you wondered how close you were to be a thing. But she had chosen, and the heavy piece of paper tucked into your back pocket was like a knife in the balloons holding your Dream.

“Today I got an invitation to their wedding,” You gave the audience a bitter laugh, shaking your head. “So this song is for them. An apology if you will, that I can’t make their wedding,” You finished quietly, changing to the chord progression for Hold Me While You Wait.

****

“Holy shit,” Christen whispered, her eyes wide as the song began. It wasn’t her first time hearing it, but the emotions of this performance were off the charts. She could feel the heartbreak that permeated the song. It was the story of an almost relationship that tore you to pieces. An almost relationship that you tied yourself in knots to make work. The almost relationship you had with her.

“She’s not usually this emotional,” Christen mumbled, her eyes wide.

“The fans all think that you’re the one who made her this emotional. They think you two are the ones she dedicated the song to,” Kelley said quietly, shaking her head.

“She never said that,” Tobin grumbled far too quickly. You were always her biggest competition, and you had been there for Christen when she wasn’t. When she was being an ass about commitment.

“She didn’t have to,” Kelley rolled her eyes. So maybe she still had a little resentment about how the way things ended between her teammates and her best friend.

“They’ve been speculating that the whole album is about Chris for months,” Tobin clapped back. It had started with an old photo of the two of you from college. An old photo that wasn’t supposed to ever see the light of day, and now they wouldn’t leave her alone about it. Your fans weren’t as crazy as some, but she was tired of being called out for being the one to come between you and Chris. “But it seems kinda petty to me,” Tobin groaned. You were usually the first one to tell the fans to leave them alone. You usually didn’t stoop to their level.

“If it is, she has a good reason. Chris kept her on the hook for months,” Kelley spat back.

“It was hard not to,” Christen spoke quietly after a few minutes.

*****

Memory

“Just stay awhile,” You said from the bed, pulling the sheets tighter around you. You always hated this part, it made you feel dirty, used. She would beg you to come and then walk out like you were nothing more than a call girl. Ever since college, you were the one who would pick up the pieces that one Tobin Heath left behind. The one who held her while she made up her mind.

“Y/n, I can’t stay,” She rolled her eyes at you, pulling her clothes on.

“Yes, you can Chris. I love you so much, and I’ll do my damndest to show you every day,” You pleaded. Why couldn’t she see that you were the better option? The more healthy option. Tobin could never make up her mind. She didn’t want a real relationship unless it was convenient for her, and Christen just couldn’t seem to let her go.

“I love her Y/n,” “and she loves me back, and she’s finally ready,” Christen said, finally turning to look at you.

“How many times has she said that before, and how many times have you ended up right back here with me?” You huffed back, thinking about the thousands of times this had happened before. The thousands of times Christen had told you the same thing and then called you crying because she hadn’t been right. For a while, it had been fine with you. It had been alright because you got to hold the girl you had been in love with since you were kids while you waited for her to make up her mind.

“Just don’t” She spat in your direction. Going from sweet to cruel in a second flat.

“I’m trying to protect your Chris,” You growled back, standing from the bed.

“Don’t make this harder for me then it already is,” She mumbled lowly. And you sighed.

The wait was over, and so was Christen’s desire to be held by you.

“Turn around Chris,” Your voice was barley above a whisper. You knew that this would tear you apart, but you needed to hear it. You needed to know why. You opened your arms for the woman, who shot you a quizzical look.“Tell me more about her, something I don’t know,” You mumble, pulling Chris back into your arms, for what you know will probably be the last time. You buried your nose into her neck.

“She scrunches her nose up in her sleep,” She said, running her fingers through your hair, soothing you.

“Hmm,”

“And she loves kids. Like she goes out of her way to make them happy,” You could hear the smile in her voice, and you swallowed the lump in your throat, trying to enjoy your last moments with the woman you loved.

*****

You stepped away from the mic when the song was over, taking a gulping breath after the final note. Your chest heaved in a way that was unusual for you, and you casually wiped the tears out of your eyes. You weren’t an overtly emotional person, only able to articulate what you were feeling through song. You blinked a few times, stepping back up to the Mic.

“Tell her thank you for Paris,” You hummed out the words that would probably get you into trouble, but right now you didn’t care. You knew this day was coming, but that didn’t mean you were ready for it. At least you knew that Tobin wouldn’t hurt her again.

*****

“She’s crying,” Tobin said in shock. She had never, ever seen this much emotion out of you, even when you had come to say goodbye.

“What happened in Paris? She never told me, and she won’t talk about it,” Kelley asked, her eyebrows furrowing. Christen and Tobin shared a look.

*****

Two days before the Woman’s World Cup

“Chris is going to freak when she realizes that your here,” Tobin mumbled, settling down in the seat across from you. You had picked a cute cafe for this conversation. A conversation that you really didn’t want to have, but you felt you needed to.

“I didn’t come to see her, I came to see you,” You husked out, taking a sip of your coffee.

“That’s a first, I was like 99% sure you hated me,” Tobin leaned back in her chair in shock. The two of you had a tumultuous relationship to say the least. She was always chasing Christen, and you were always the one who cleaned up the fallout.

“No Tobin, I don’t hate you.” You started, looking off into the distance, trying to control your emotions. You knew that this was inappropriate, but you had to be sure. You had to know.“I just… I need you to tell me one thing,” You finished, glancing back at your cup, adamantly not making eyecontact with the woman in front of you.

“You flew to Paris to ask me a question?” She questioned in disbelief. She thought you would have fought harder. That you would have come to make a scene and try to win the girl that you had held for so long. She took in your form, defeat visible in every movement you made. You weren’t the same person you had been all those years ago. It was like your sunny personality was gone.

“Yeah, “ You nodded, finally looking into Tobins worried brown eyes. She could almost see the cracks in your soul. The piece of you that Christen had taken with her when she chose Tobin.

“Ask away,” She said with a wave of her hand.

“Do you love her?” You asked seriously. Clenching your fist on the table. You needed to know. All your efforts would be worth it if she did. You would be able to live with yourself if she did.

“Of course I do,” Tobin said in exasperation.

“No Tobin, do you love her so much that you feel like you can’t breathe without her. Like you’re in the dark, and she lights you up?” You grabbed her hand, looking her solemnly in the eyes.

“I love her so much that it terrifies me, that I don’t think I could live if she didn’t choose me,” She responded, with as much honesty as she could muster. You nodded back, sitting back in your seat and taking a sip of your drink.

“Promise me something?” You requested after a few seconds of silence. She waved her hand again. You gave her a thoughtful look. “That you won’t let her go…”

“I already bought the ring. I was gonna give it to her after we win,” Tobin admitted with a blush. You nodded again.

“Don’t wait,” You said quietly, placing a 50 on the table and walking away. Tobin watched you go, shaking her head. She would never understand why you had settled for being Christens play thing.

*****

8 Hours after they won the World Cup

“You can’t waste your life like this,” Christen rolled her eyes as she entered the hotel lobby. She was in france.

“Who said it’s a waste?” You smirked back, standing and placing your hands in your pockets.

“I did. You just flew to Paris for me to turn you away,” She huffed back, approaching you and pulling you into a hug. No opportunity to make her smile was a waste to you.

“I wish that I could change your mind,” You hummed into her neck, refraining from placing your usual kiss on her neck.

“I know,” She said back resolutely.

“I didn’t come to ruin your night, just to tell you congrats,” You mumbled, pulling back so you could look at her, sending her the widest smile you could.

“I don’t know if I believe you..” She quarked her eyebrows up at you.

“I just wanted to give you this and congratulate you on your big win champ. I always promised to the first copy of my album,” You laughed, pulling the the first copy of your first album ever out of your back pocket. It was funny, even now she was holding you while she waited for Tobin to be ready to go celebrate with her.

“Take it. I signed it and everything,” You said quietly, pushing the square plastic that held the key to your future into her hands. No it wasn’t like the art that Tobin made, but it was yours.

“Y/n” She started. Placing her hand flat on the plastic, shaking her head.

“At least it’ll sell on eBay if you don’t want it.” You gave her a sad smile, placing the album that she had inspired into her palm and turning away. “If you ever need to… talk, just call me,” You said over your shoulder, leaving the Hotel. Trying not to think about how this was probably the last time you would ever see her.

*****

“She told me to Marry Chris,” Tobin murmured thoughtfully, squeezing the women in her arms that much tighter. She was lucky and she she knew it.

“I didn’t know that,” Christen smiled, leaning back and placing a kiss on her fiance’s lips.

“Yeah, she said that she wanted you to be happy, and us fighting over you wasn’t making you happy,” Tobin nodded, brushing a strand of hair from Christens ear. Even in your worst moment, all you wanted was for the girl of your dreams to be happy. That was what love was, to want the best for that person, even if it wasn’t you, and to hold them until they knew what they wanted.

“What did she write in the album she gave you?” Kelley asked, pulling the couple out of their sappy moment. Christen blinked for a moment.

******

Christen’s hands were shaking as she watched you walk away, almost like a drug addict coming down from the high. She glanced down at the album in her hand, aptly named “the heartbreak hotel”. You always did have a flare for dramatics. Her lips quirked up at our loopy handwriting.

Together or apart, we both accomplished our dreams. Thank you for allowing me to hold your for as long as you did. Both our waits are over, and i wish you nothing but happiness.

Always yours,

Y/n

PS. say yes to your happy ending.

#uswnt x reader #uswnt imagine #uswnt imagines #christen press x reader #christen press imagine

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rreyie · 4 years ago

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snk/aot characters when being comforted 🥺

warnings: suggested violence/trauma, some “no regrets” spoilers, anime spoilers

characters: levi, eren, armin, reiner

a/n: yes i know i’m just doing the guys again but if it’s requested i’ll do the girls too!! this is all mainly just a lot of fluff lol. if there’s any other characters y’all want me to do then feel free to ask for the ask box is OPEN!

⚔️ LEVI ACKERMAN ⚔️

out of everyone on this list, levi needs a good old comforting the most.

he’s watched his friends and commanders die, and he doesn’t get too close to anyone in fear of him getting attached and then that person dying on him

you realize what he’s been through after hange gives you a quick talk on why levi is like how he is

you feel unimaginable sorrow for this poor man... he’s watched everyone he loved die, it only makes sense for him to act so shut out from the world

you walk right up to his office, and burst in the door without even asking

“hey brat, don’t you know how to knock-“

he’s cut off by you wrapping him in a giant bear hug, the first one he’s felt in decades.

he is disgusted at first, confused on what was happening, and attempted to wiggle away. but he soon realized that you weren’t letting go.

he started to like the unfamiliar sensation of the hug you had completely encased him in. he hugged you back, gently placing his hands on your back.

“oi... what’s up with this, y/n” he asked, and you attempted to pull away from the hug he had trapped you in

but NO you couldn’t move. this man would not let you go

“it’s a way of saying...i’m here to stay. and i’m not going to leave you. i’ll stay alive for you.”

you feel a bit of wetness on the crook of your neck, which is where levi rested his head on. you realized he had shed a tear.

“levi are you crying? are you ok-“ “NO NO IM N-NOT IM FINE”

his voice started to crack, and his tear turned into many, and he started to quietly sob.

you directed him to the small velvet sofa in his office, and let him lay on your lap and just let it all out :(

he BEGGED you not to tell anyone that he shed a couple tears

that day that you hugged him is still thought about by him... you even turned him into a cuddle addict

⚔️ EREN YEAGER ⚔️

he’s touch starved.

he’s too busy putting up his “manly” facade to even think about his own emotions

he wants to be there for you and the rest of the cadets, sometimes putting himself in physical danger so you could live

you were laying with him on his bed, looking through an old photo album you found in the basement, littered with faded pictures of grisha and zeke when they were younger

“i can’t believe that my father hid this from me my whole life”, he said. “why would he do this? why couldn’t he just let the world know?”

his anger towards his father was bitter, stronger now than ever

“and why... why did all this bad stuff have to happen to me?! i saw everyone die! i couldn’t do anything about it like the weak bastard i am!”

you saw a small tear splatter into a photo with diane, grisha and zeke

“eren, are you okay?” “yeah... just a little choked up but don’t worry about me!”

his cheeks began to look flushed, his eyes glistening

you knew eren didn’t really like physical contact that much because he wasn’t used to it, but your instinct to comfort him became too strong

you wrapped him in a tender hug, his eyes wide with shock.

he started to sob, his cries growing louder by the minute

he held you tighter than you held him, he really just wanted someone to hang on to

even though you two weren’t dating at the time, you pressed a gentle kiss to your forehead, the kiss reminding eren of his mother all too much

his sobs were now the equivalent of how hard he cried when he saw hans get eaten alive

“hey...” you say with a soft tone in your voice, and you guide erens head to meet yours, your eyes making contact.

“you’re safe now, eren. i’m holding you, and i won’t let anything hurt you. you can let all the anger out now.”

he looked at you, his green eyes vibrant with distress. his face was red, multiple tears dripping down his face.

“and don’t ever, ever say that you’re weak again. you’re one of the strongest guys i’ve ever met. you’ve discovered a key to humanity’s victory! you’re a leading part in our battle!”

eren managed to grin a little bit, pulling you back in for a hug. you kiss his forehead again, eren greatful for your touch. he even managed to kiss you on your cheek, which made you blush at the sight :)

⚔️ ARMIN ARLERT ⚔️

okay... even though armin didn’t have a really bad childhood, the events he lived through with working with the scouts and cadets really put a toll on him

he’s a nervous wreck now

it was a night you two were sharing the same bed where you woke up to hear armin screaming bloody murder

you quickly turn over to check on the blonde boy, him shaking frantically, his cries loud.

“armin! are you okay? did anyone hurt you?”

he’s trembling so much he can’t even get a word out of his mouth

“armin you’re fine... see? it’s just me, you and this big ol bed of ours!”

armin finally managed to make sense of his words

“y-you’re alive? after being e-eaten by a titan?”

“armin what titan?” “the one you were just crushed by?”

you were puzzled and confused. “you had a bad dream, love. i’m alive and okay.”

his breathing starts to slow down and he just... wraps you in a giant hug, a gentle one tho

you hug him back, feeling his sobs quiet down and his tears start to dry

for the rest of the night, you two cuddle up and spoon, and no matter how hard you try to get up in the morning, he will NOT let you go

⚔️ REINER BRAUN ⚔️

poor guy has been through so much... between losing his best friends, seeing his home getting burned down by the eldians, trying to off himself, he’s been through the works

similar to eren hes so busy putting up that tough guy face that he abandons his own needs

you find him in his room during that one scene where he’s got a rifle in his mouth ready to end it all

“hey reiner pieck said that she needs you to sign these- uh what are you doing?”

he slowly turns to you, his eyes dull, hair messy, and slowly takes out the rifle and puts it on the ground

“i’m so done with this world, everything we’ve done isn’t getting us anywhere. i’m just holding you all back. i’ll make use of myself by making myself into titan fodder...”

you drop that important stack of papers at your feet and rush to hug this drained man

his face turns red, not knowing what exactly to do in this moment

he hugs you back extremely tightly- he’s like a giant teddy bear that craves affection

you press a little kiss to his cheek and if the hug didn’t make him red already...

“reiner, you have never been a burden to us and never will be. we need you to succeed...”

from this day on he expects a lot more hugs from you so BE PREPARED

maybe even the occasional kiss ;)

these were kind of sad to write but also v cute in some areas... anyway the ask box is open to leave suggestions for more posts!! love you all!!

#aot hcs #aot headcanons #snk #attack on titan #reiner braun #eren yeager #snk levi #levi ackerman #armin arlert #snk fluff

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shelovescontrol91 · 3 years ago

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Between a starring role in Cinderella, live performances, and a forthcoming album, it would appear things are business as usual for Camila Cabello. But there’s a difference: Before the pandemic her work was leaving her drained, anxious, and insecure. Now she’s found a way to be a pop star on her own terms, and everything—from the music to her relationship with her body—has fallen into place.

By mid-September, Camila Cabello was feeling burnt out. In the span of three days she had performed at the MTV Video Music Awards, attended the Met gala with boyfriend Shawn Mendes, and shot the first-ever global cover for Glamour. So when she finally returned home to Miami, rest wasn’t just desired—it was essential.

But rehearsals for New York’s Global Citizen Festival loomed. Before jumping back into pop star mode, Cabello put on a yellow bikini and headed to the beach for two hours of blissfully uninterrupted downtime. She sank into a chair and cracked open a book, her favorite pastime. The salty air enveloped her; waves crashed in the distance. This is why she lives in Miami, her hometown, as opposed to a showbiz hub like Los Angeles: more privacy.

Or so she thought. Somehow the paparazzi found out where she was for those 120 minutes. She didn’t see them at first, but there they were, snapping away.

“I didn’t consent to those pictures,” she tells me over Zoom, camera off as she drives in Miami. (At one point she says to someone on the road, “Why are you honking at me, bro?”) “I got my period on the beach. I’m in a bikini and on my period, so I don’t know if I have a fucking period stain and that’s going to be everywhere. I didn’t sign up for anybody to be taking pictures of me in a bikini.”

Cabello has developed methods for dealing with invasive situations like this. She’s had to. The 24-year-old—born in Cuba, raised in Miami—has been in the public eye since 2012, when she competed on The X-Factor. She auditioned as a solo artist but was later matched with four other girls to form the pop group Fifth Harmony. They released two albums before Cabello embarked on her own—and achieved mind-boggling fame. Her singles “Havana” and “Señorita” (with Mendes) topped the charts worldwide. She’s earned three Grammy nominations, become a face of L’Oréal, and tried her hand at not just acting but starring in a feature film: this year’s Cinderella remake on Amazon Prime. Her third studio album, Familia, is due out later this year.

By all accounts it’s a lot. Careerwise it’s the closest things have felt to prepandemic times, when she was working constantly, arguably to an exhausting degree. As COVID-19 shutdowns went into effect last March, Cabello was able to realize just how tired she was.

“I by no means am trying to complain,” she says, “but it was such a thing of, ‘I have to get onstage tomorrow and I’m performing at this big thing,’ or whatever. ‘I want to do a good job. How do I do that when I feel nervous?’ I did this without being like, ‘Am I even happy right now? Do I even feel healthy?’ I didn’t have the space to ask myself those questions. I’m still working a ton now, but after quarantine I’m able to be like, ‘You know what? Right now I’m just not happy. I need to change something.’”

Therapy helped her see the changes she needed to make. Cabello tells me she’d experimented with therapy before the pandemic, but it was always situation focused—quick fixes to help her tackle the next performance or songwriting session. But with time at home, she dug deeper: “Because I wasn’t stressed about all the things I needed to do the next day, I was able to slow down and have enough stability to look at my stuff.”

Cabello doesn’t expand on what that “stuff” is. She does, however, explain why she decided to switch therapists as her internal work continued. “I wasn’t feeling like I was progressing in the areas I wanted to progress,” she says. “But when I switched, I found I was able to apply what they said in a way that benefited my mental health.”

One lesson she’s learned is the power of saying no. Two hit albums under her belt give Cabello the freedom to do things her way. Now she always has one day off a week, minimum. And when time came to start work on Familia, she forwent the standard pop music factory for a more intimate approach. The new album was made with just a handful of collaborators she could be open with. If Cabello was feeling anxious or nervous in a session, she had the space to address it. As a result, she says, it’s her best work yet.

“It’s the most grounded and calm I’ve ever been making an album,” she says. “I worked with people I wanted to have dinner with, and I was like, ‘I’m not going to write every single day for months, but write a few days a week and have time to gather experiences and be a human being.’”

Shawn Mendes is one of the people she’s gathering experiences with. The two singers confirmed their relationship in September 2019, and they’ve been tabloid magnets ever since. Everything from their laughably slow pandemic walks to their kissing style is dissected with a fine-tooth comb. A clip of them getting ready for the Met gala went instantly viral.

Cabello tells me she and Mendes try to avoid the social media chatter about their relationship, but it inevitably seeps in. “When stuff that’s negative is out there, it’s going to get to you,” she says. “So yeah, that’s very, very challenging. I feel like it’s another thing therapy has been really helpful for.”

Mendes goes to therapy too. While Cabello says she and Mendes haven’t done couples therapy—though she’d be open to it—they very much work on their mental health together.

“For better, for worse, we’re very transparent with each other. I think that’s why we can trust each other so much, because it’s a very 3D human relationship,” she says. “I’ll be venting or ranting about something, and he’ll be like, ‘Have you talked to X about it?’ And I’ll be like, ‘No. I’ve got to do a session.’ And he’ll do the same thing to me. I think even just the language of being like, ‘Hey, I’m sorry that I’ve been distant with you or snappy with you. I’m just struggling and I’m feeling kind of anxious.’ That level of transparency really helps a lot.”

Mendes echoes Cabello’s thoughts. “Camila and I give each other an extreme amount of patience and understanding,” he tells me via email. “I think the truth is that when you’re struggling with mental health, it turns you sometimes into the version of yourself that you don’t like to be—and kind of loving and accepting your person through that, and being there for them through that, is life-changing. We give each other so much space and understanding and patience.”

A behind-the-scenes VMAs story perfectly illustrates this. When Cabello was nervous meeting new people at an after-party, she caught herself leaning on a habit she’s trying to break. Mendes helped her through it.

“I have this pattern of eating a lot when I’m anxious or uncomfortable,” she says. “It’s a comfort thing for me. I’ll just kind of become unconscious and zombie-eat a lot, and then I’ll feel sick. I’ve told Shawn about that. So at the VMAs party, I was like, ‘I’m doing it.’ And he was like, ‘It’s okay. You’re doing it. That’s okay. Let’s just take a breath and not do that.’ It’s really good for me to be able to talk about my patterns with someone.”

Food and body image are two things that have really been on Cabello’s mind this year. A July TikTok she posted shutting down body-shamers racked up 4.8 million likes. “Being at war with your body is so last season,” she says in the video, which she posted after photos of her running in Los Angeles made the rounds online.

That mantra is true, sure, but it’s easier said than done. Even Cabello has difficulty following it. She braced herself for what she might feel when those aforementioned bikini pics went live: “I need to work out. I need to eat better.” “Not that those things are bad,” she says. “But maybe I wouldn’t think about them as much if there weren’t people taking pictures of me.”

It’s not just the paparazzi who ignite moments of self-doubt. Cabello tells me about a time she was exercising with her trainer, Jenna Willis—who’s great, she says—and feeling insecure. “She’s the same height as me, and I was kind of comparing myself to her, because she is a lot skinnier than I am,” she recalls. “I was just like, ‘Yeah, but I’ve been working out and I look better, right? I look better, right?’”

It’s Willis who helped silence those voices in Cabello’s head, reminding her that how she feels is more important than appearances; that life is about balance and enjoying food. These are health philosophies we’ve all heard—but when you’re Camila Cabello and millions are picking apart your beach photos, it’s hard to tune out the noise. Now when she’s feeling down on herself, she just turns her phone off and goes outside.

“When I’m having negative thoughts about my body, that’s actually when I’ll want to binge-eat cookies, and then I have a stomachache,” she says. “It’s this weird psychology: The more I love my body, the more I actually want to take care of it…. As long as I’m healthy and working out and feel good, that’s the best I can do. There’s no point in trying to have another kind of body.”

By this point in our conversation, Cabello’s made it to her destination. When I ask if she’ll have time to chill and decompress, she says, “To be honest, not yet, but I will after this weekend.” There’s a calmness in her voice when she says this—a stillness, a readiness. She seems perfectly prepared for what lies ahead: album promo, performances, and undoubtedly more scrutiny about her body, her relationship, her everything. But she’ll be fine, because just around the corner is a day off. That’s nonnegotiable.

“It’s important to be on top of not just what’s making you sad or anxious, but also what’s giving you joy,” she says. “I want to be happy and enjoy my life. That’s kind of it.”

#camila cabello #shawn mendes #shawmila

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