#i was living my very best life tho
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holy shit time flies...
#random#idk the other day i was just looking at the sun coming through my window and it dawned on me#life changed so much in the last 11 years#for the best... but damn#i'd only want to go back in time#only for my health#but i would never give up all the experiences i went through#the friendships made and lost#the failures and victories#ig it really is just life#it still makes me laugh tho how back in the days i had my majora wallpaper#fast forward and one of my best friend gifted me the 3D figurine... ig some things never change#i'll always be a mm fan and i love her sm#but really...#the fucking disgusting chair with pillows in 2013?#disguting#i didn't care tho... i was a poor student who lived constantly for 7 years under 1k in my bank account OTL#i usually hang my left over merch because...#idk#i want to be proud to look at them too#i spend HOURS ON THOSE T0T#then i got that one other wall that's just craking down with artist merch OTL#it's weird to feel like you've lived a long time now...#like i remeber very clearly 10+ years ago#it's so strange...
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the show was. so incredibly goodšššš
they played SO many old songs i thought i'd never get to hear liveš„ŗššš
AND ALSO at the risk of horny jail.....women prettyš³ queers prettyš³
also also!! i complimented this very pretty person in a lavender demin vest with matching docs bc. slay. obviously. and they gave me a bead bracelet they made with 'phoenix" in letter beads!!! so cute!!
and and went alone and left having made a new friend! i have very little fear of looking silly in public these days so I was Dancingā¢ and they came up and were like "bestie....i see you!!!! can i dance with you?" and they were such a sweetie we exchanged socials and will going to a vintage pop up market next weekend!!!!!! such an all around amazing experience. SO glad i got the ticketsššššš
fall out boy fall out boy fall out boy AHHHHHHH
#fall out boy#ALSO. the Elevation they've experienced is so incredible#i mean from production value but also for quality of performance#quality of setlist too!!! so many bangers of old that *not in a snobby way* not many people around me knew#and i say specifically not snobby because it was a bunch of people standing and Maybe swaying#and then me.....Dancingā¢ and Screaming chicago is so two years ago like a crazy person lol#but Also!!!!! CHICAGO IS SO TWO YEARS AGO!!!! i figured thay was permanently retired from setlists bc thats Definitely not what people know#fob for like. at all#patrick said that album is was made before some of the fans were even a person which 1. fucked me up but 2. hes right lol#i was living my very best life tho#i almost didnt get tickets but im SO glad i did#WAIT ALSO did we all collectively know that bring me the horizon still tours???#i Did Not lol also oli looks SO good??? like happy to be alive???#lovely surprise lol
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Classes startedā¦ already sick of this (I havenāt even been to my first class yet). Drew my boys to decompress āļøš
#I feel like I havenāt drawn bad haircut Liam in a really long time#(itās maybe been a month)#but this āeraā of them if you will is my favorite because itās kind of when their roles in the relationship just get uprooted#and the relationship gets tested </3#Liam going through an Existential Crisisā¢ļø because he essentially became a god and Finn just out here living his best life after dying#Finn canonically dies idk I feel like I donāt talk about that enough (he got over that tho. chillin now)#ALSO ALSO Liam is very morally dubious this entire time because his entire worldview is dramatically altered!! love that for him!!!#they paint each otherās nails and itās COOL#haha yeah I love yapping about the Loreā¢ļø in the tags itās for Real Ones to read#my art#digital art#artists on tumblr#procreate#digital illustration#illustration#original art#my ocs#doodle#art#drawing#oc artwork#artwork#original character art#original character#oc art tag#oc art#oc portrait#digital artist#digital drawing#original charater art
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Freya Blake, S4 version.
#ts4#sims4#Freya Blake#Freya#slowly converting my sims over to sims4#she's still very much a sims3 sim tho#I just wanted to see if I could make her#hopefully they'll add fairies soon and she can live her best life
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been trying to figure out just how i am going to explain how wildly my brain has been altered since the last time i saw my therapist && it make me realize all of this has happened in 1 month,,,,,,,,,,, it feels like . eons. eternity . in the best way possible
#normally everything feels so short#my anxiety just speeds me through it before i can even take a second to enjoy or even experience anything. everything is a dusty blur#but ive been ok#i've actually had good times ive mayb even started 2 feel close to a person for the first time in my life#feel safe w them#anxiety cant get me when im in their shield bubble#listening 2 em talk n even just Exist like woag ur the best thing in this whole world#just bbzbzbzbzbbzz#of course there r also the Horrors that do come w it just due 2 my avpd but . it still feels so different#and i like to ignore those because they make me feel like a monster i am not jealous noo i am so normal i am very normal#i am beating my jealousy side with a stick and i Will win#i have never and Will never act on it#if i ignore it they cant b real#also i do know it's illogical whihc helps#honestly though im used 2 it because ill get jealous if like . a stranger is nice to me and then is nice to some1 else. like oh. oh it was#all a rouse u want me dead u hate me#and it's like. homie. pal. that is normal. they're not abandoning u theyre not trying to set u up for humiliation#theyre just living their life#it's kinda weird tho because i will get feelings like that simultaneously with knowing i am Nothing i am a Horrid beast no one deserves to#even have to see#and knwoing i am not allowed to care about people and there is no shot in hell they will be even nice to me#so it;s just . a lot of things swirling constant;ly#painful emotions all around there is no joy#(except for rn. with them. i can b free from my brain)
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that book was pretty good, yea. glad I came back around and finished it.
the (part 1 - end) at the end is so funny - you mean after they resolved all the problems in the story, that's just the beginning? The beginning of the rest of their lives? lmao
#now reading#it was āsuicide girlā btw#there's some weird aspects about it but i'm willing to overlook a bit of sleaze#it's very hot-blooded and the art is sick#but more importantly it resonated with me deeply#as someone who's survived my own suicide a number of times#āas long as i have this burning sun in my heart... i will never throw away my life away ever again!ā#this is what i really believe#i wanna read thru it in japanese coz the scanlations are clumsy at best - maybe i'll pick up a zenkan lmao#the author really likes chuuni wordplay#but the various scanlators still did pretty good on some of the most important beats#āsuicide kills the hearts of those left behindā#that line was hanging in my head for like three or four years after I read the first couple chapters#good job girls. nice work#hit the showers#it'd be nice to appreciate the art in print rather than on the tv which is how i read this one#there's a bunch of gay shit in here too#bunch of traumatized magical girls who have a newfound desire to live (gay style)#the scene where they're all sleeping naked together is absolutely indulgent yuri brainrot#stupid book#kinda rly good tho#probably worth a read if you've ever come close to the edge. if you like me know what it's like to grapple with despair#but it's not something i can *recommend* owing to the subject matter#on the other hand maybe you need to read it in which case you'll probably check it out on your own anyways#wonder if any of the author's other books are any good?
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I love being the always single person in my family, mad respect to my sister for constantly dating guys for the last 8 years, I would have shot myself
#whenever my mom asks if i have love news of my own while we're talking about my sister's newest catch and i say no#i hope she doesn't feel pity because like. this is the life that i choose. my sister's ex boyfriends were enough for ME even#and i only met a handful of them personally but heard more than enough shit about them#i just always think i'm only flirting with some guys only to never talk to them again or ghost them because it's fun#fat girl who's always been seen as ugly by other people gets to flirt with good looking people is the ultimate ego boost arc#if i ever date anyone seriously again it better be true love and end in kids and marriage until death or i'll live as a hermit#until that happens tho...... life is a party i don't wanna miss a thing break some men's heart get revenge yolo etc etc#also the thought of actively dating freaks me out. if i meet someone and we tolerate each other long term that's good#but dating apps or going on dates with several people and deciding who's the best like on the bachelorette?? death first#plus i lowkey don't like men as a concept. at least the type i've dated. i guess you could say my last ex traumatized me hahaha šš» (šØšØ)#i think i'm too young to be in a committed relationship anyway. or even to seek getting into one. there are much more important things rn#i know former classmates my age are having kids or getting married but idgaf the one who got engaged last year has been with him for 7 year#which is a decent time tbh you change quite a bit during that time and if it feels right why not#but i can't wrap my head around searching for a relationship when you don't even have a stable job and know what else you want in life#rambling again sorryyyy but yeah proud single here and i'm not saying this out of spite because i genuinely enjoy it#all relationships i've been in were so draining (tbf they were long distance too) and got me at rock bottom and had me filled with regret#also these men can be so controlling and jealous when you just wanna go out with friends while they do whatever they want too#but when you say you don't want a jealous partner they think that's a free pass for them to cheat like what the actual fuck#do you see the difference between being unnecessarily jealous when you hang out with friends and being rightfully jealous when they cheat??#at this point idk what to say. i'm very entertained by my friends' dating journeys but that couldn't be me#all the gossip i provide for them is which people i flirted with for the ego and who i ghosted and who ghosted me#mel talks
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very busy babysitting a duo of kittens (only two months old) the last few days but i shall be drawing when i return home (this includes requests)
and also if anyone wants to see the babies send an ask and i can post them in response hehe i have taken SO many photos
#yew branch#also i just missed a step on the stairs going down and ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow#i am now trapped on the couch until my back stops exploding at least a bit#upside tho is that the kittens are playing together on the couch#sometimes right on my lap!! theyre so so so so cute#i adore them#BUT YEAH i shall be drawing when i return home provided my back allows me to sit upright by that time#bc it sure isnt rn GDJSGJS#im sad ill have to go home tho.. these kittens are some of the cutest beasts alive#life is worth living because every day kittens are playing and having fun#i miiiiiiight be able to indirectly take one#one of my best friends might possibly be able/willing to take one and keep her with her own cat for me#until i move out of my parents house mid next year#so i might get to have... kitten that ive watched grow up from newborns...#the story behind these kittens is that one of my other best friends took in a stray and she turned out to be pregnant#and had these two!!#im also watching the three adult cats in this house but theyre not nearly as much of a handful#as can be imagined this friend is very tired of having 5 cats in the house regardless of how small two of them are GDJSVSN#which is very very understandable#i dont think i would want five cats unless i had a fairly large house. if i had a large house and plenty of free time most of each day#to give them play time and tons of affection#as well as the physical ability to keep up with them all#then id gladly have five cats#who knows maybe someday ill have a nice big house and plenty of spare time and my ddd will be under control#but that doesnt seem likely#aside from ddd being managed! because i have a pain relieving steroid injection tomorrow and then ill be starting physical therapy!!#im excited and i have a lot of hope for at least the physical therapy to help#PLUS THEY HAVE A POOL FOR PHYSICAL THERAPY!!!!!!! AND I LOVE SWIMMING ESPECIALLY AS A GENTLE WORKOUT#and low impact things are very important for my body specifically i cant do high impact exercise or itll hurt me#plus i just love being in water i swear i was meant to be an aquatic elf from dnd
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layla's relationship with jordan is just so interesting. When they were younger, she was liv's best friend. liv and jordan were also best friends. and layla pretended like jordan was just some annoying guy that hung around. sometimes, that was truly what she thought. most of the time, he was her best friend's brother. and on other occasions, he was one of her closest friends.
he was probably her first crush, but in a way that was never discussed because he was eww a boyyy and liv's brother. she'd secretly be glad when he showed up, while making a show of how annoyed she was that he was interfering with their time.
she would make an excuse when her head turned looking for him as they got older, and he stopped hanging around as much. she'd roll her eyes when he was around, though secretly enjoyed it. and around the same time that it seemed clear that jordan was interested in everyone but her, she thought asher and her made more sense.
and jordan became someone she sometimes hung out with in a large group who messed around with anyone but her. their easy intimacy never disappeared, but layla's feelings did. she never fully addressed or admitted to them, even to herself, and she felt that could never happen anyway. asher was her boyfriend. and then spencer arrived, and she was immediately interested in a way she hadn't been with asher in a long time. she felt disconnected from him, and spencer brought back a spark she hadn't felt since her mom died.
jordan was no longer a focus, was barely considered a friend, and he was still her best friend's brother. but for all her work reconnecting with liv, she never tried with jordan because, well, they were never friends in the first place. a lie she got very, very good at telling herself.
until he did become her best friend. until it was him she was turning to in her darkest moments. it was him that brought her relief, and it was him that she fell in love with but, once again, could not admit to. he was her best friend this time, though. he wasn't just a person hanging around. he wasn't just liv's twin brother. he was her person. and once she admitted that to herself, the rest was over. he was never going to be anything less, and she would not lie to him about her feelings for him after that. she needed to protect herself. he had walls he still needed to break down to get to all of her, but once he had, he had all of her, and he will for the rest of their lives.
#everyone was aware except for layla that jordan was in love with her and wanted to be with her for their entire lives#and no one had that same awareness with layla because she was very good at playing it off and convincing herself it wasn't there#he wasn't the person that was right for her and that became clear to her in middle school#but that changed and he became her best friend again#and during that time she fell in love with him!! but he was with simone and that was something she wouldn't come between#and now they're married ! because once she admitted that she loved him there was never going to be another outcome#it hasn't always been him but it also has do you get that#she won't rewrite history or pretend she was always wishing for them to be together because there was a long stretch when she wasn't#but he's always been more important to her than she was able to say until she COULD say it until she could say you're the most important#person in my life and i can't lose that#anyway they're meant to be fr soulmates fr and everyone can see that too#(spencer + liv + asher still responsible for the way they treated her tho xoxo)#muse: layla keating#meta: layla keating#dyn: lean into love (layla x jordan)
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"i hate that person theyre weird theyre too immature and their interests are so embarrassing" time for me to go be friends with them bc they actually sound so cool. stop being a judgemental prick <3 let people be themselves. their passionate interest in dragons is not affecting you whatsoever
#one of my best friends is like. disliked among my other friends because hes āweirdā#i was warned last year not to talk to him#bc a friend doesnt like him#we were in a class together and said friend (A) was bein silly#a different friend (B) pulled me aside and told me they thought A was weird and not to talk to him#i thought this was absurd#so i ignored them completely and made a new friend who i love dearly hes so fucking funny#i dont care if he likes stuff you find weird. hes funny and hes nice and i love him a lot#very good guy#this is not the dragon loving person#i love that person tho fr#shes awesome#living her best life#pissed at my friends for not liking her because shes herself
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...wolf hall!henry viii/cromwell version of the locked tomb pool scene, except that at the end of the book henry cheerfully eats cromwell's soul and chops his head off with all the whim and vigor of ianthe snacking down on babs
#I assume there must be a fandom overlap of some kind here lol#I am aware I am being absurd but I'm having fun and that's all that really matters <3#wolf hall#the locked tomb#and yes. yes I am saying what we're all too afraid to say wolf hall!cromwell is cavalier coded fdakshj#I am mostly being funny here but there are some very interesting thematic parallells to me between these series#especially when you hold henry and john up to each other and marvel at the overlaps even tho their backgrounds couldn't be more different#they're just the very hungry caterpillaring up everyone else in the narrative and everyone frantically has to try to live with it#at the beginning of the books cromwell has a family and his wife and his daughters and wolsey and rafe and seems quite happy#and then by the end his whole life is swallowed up by henry because that's just what henry does#in all his hubris cromwell thinks he can handle it because he's really smart and has escaped abusive dynamics before but uh-oh!!!#both book series are partially talking about imperialism filtered through a lens of narcissism#master secretary thomas cromwell š¤ the lyctors 'I must restrain my cannibal king/best and only friend'#well about that folks. I don't know how to tell you this but --
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Lmao I'm going to an all girls school... as a boy
#yeah it's likely going to suck but im not the first to do it at least#the principal is very accepting im more worried about other kids.. well we'll see#it should only be temporary at least. until next year or whenever there's space at the school i actually want to attend#of the temporary options available it's the best. likely the only#but either way I should be fine. just need to be in the right mindset and ill glide through.. a lady's man what can i say#tho it still sucks if i were a cis boy or maybe even just on t this wouldn't be the option so im still not quite a boy officially speaking#but oh well. mostly im okay with doing this for The Bitā¢ (and education or whatever)#ill be living my derry girls life (<- ive never watched that but my friend said that. bc of the one boy at a girls school yk)
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#also idk if u guys like to read about my italian classes but i think i Will be doing this forever#anyways let me know if it's annoying i will stop!#it's very funny tho im living my best life learning this languageš¤š¤š®š¹š®š¹#italian class
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sighhhhh made an entire schedule for an imaginary 3mo baby. and wrote down a bunch of notes about how to take care of my imaginary 3mo baby. but then i got rly sad bc i started writing notes about how im going to be working 8 hours a day 5 days a week during the majority of the babys awake time and now im a bit sad . whatever
#Im not having a baby anytime soon i just like planning and researching and thinking about my imaginary baby that i might never actually have#makes me so happy#i do have a disease where i just cant fathom Another person being there. so if there is thats gonna muck up my schedule potentially...#but. i think daycare is a good option if i can find a nice one that i can afford. hooooopefully by the time i have a baby ill have a good#paying job and obviously if there is another parent thatll help with like. money and stuff#sigh idk im trying not to think abt it more but my little momey earlier reaffirmed to me idk if im ever actually going to be able to be in#romantic relationship and that might be for the best. and also idk im just very paranoid that even if i do magically get uncrazy and fall i#love with somebody and im well adjusted enough to have a kid likee. what if they end up being abusive or neglectful of the baby. you know.#its one of my biggest fears obviously id like. talk In depth abt having kids w them before we have kids and wed work out plans and schedule#together but im just very paranoid basically. but. it doesnt actually matter bc this is all imaginary and Again might not even happen.#im also. hrmm. bc obv a big costsaver daycare wise would be having my parents watch the baby if im living in the same area. however#i have very very specific rules for how ill interact with my baby and i dont know if i trust. my parents. to interact with them the right w#like mainly when they get older one of my big things is that i never ever ever want to yell at my baby i never want to like. yk. i dont wan#to Snap or get angry ik its normal to get overwhelmed and overstimulated but i dont want my kid(s) to like. see me being overwhelmed or#upset w them. you know. but i dont know if i can trust my parents not to snap at my kid . yk. not that i dont want them to meet my kids i#i love my parents despite All that but. idk if id be comfortable leaving my kid alone with them the majority of the day.... yk. maybe#weekend visits once the kids older but i will be Sitting my parents down and Lecturing them . abt how to treat my kid#ik ppl r usually better as grandparents than as parents tho. so hopefully they like. idk. im just very paranoid abt if i do get to have kid#if i do reach a place where i can have kids and take care of them properly like i rly rly want to im rly worried abt like. i just want my#kids to be happy and welladjusted and have a good life And well see this is part of the reason im not ready for kids is bc i place too many#expectations on them already. and i shouldnt go into having a child w a savior complex i shouldnt have a kid for the gratification of#being the one to give the kid a good life. not that i shouldnt want to give the kid a good life but like. you know what i mean. i shouldnt#have a kid just so i can vicariously live out a happy childhood through them. you know. which i fear might be what im subconsciously doing
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wish i could post my paintings of theatre stuff here bc i'm really proud of those (my theatre keeps making amazing adaptations with SUPER COOL costume and lighting and setting and colour and visual symbolism choices) but alas. the chance is low but very definitely above zero that i'd doxx myself HARDCORE. but maaaan. trust me when i say that stage is just plain amazing. i need to live in the theatre
#a biscuit's rambles#im new but i never wanna leave theatre circles again#the people are so chill#weird people go there. like who else#i can be a part of something huge and amazing#im an artist in various ways and i adore literature and art and symbolism and conveying meaning#and i need to eat those productions#i need to absorb them forever#my grandma and grandad were huge theatre enthusiasts apparently. my grandma still is even if she doesnt usually go#she said it might have skipped a generation and i think shes right#suddenly ive got my ideal life figured out lmao#work in a theatre enough to live and write#i am going to be a published writer dammit no matter what but living off that is. hard at best#and i love the theatre so much#there are incredibly few things who have defined me as a person as much as my theatre#also im making a new friend i think#a few years younger giant theatre nerd and closeted trans :) i will befriend them. idek why but i met them at the premiere and yk what#i wanna befriend them so badly. we actually texted bc of smth regarding our shared fav actor#(who sadly left)but who was a huge inspiration for both of us bc Holy Shit Openly Trans Adult Enby Person!!!! And Theyre So Cool#and they asked abt smth bc they had to leave earlier and i said hopefully next time u get to stay......#sooooo#thats how you do social right. thats how being social works#anyway. theatre ramblings. i always get carried away#still think its funny af tho#bc its all black and white#and you forget bc everyone is b&w. the entire stage is b&w. thatd how it is#and then you leave for the breakroom halfway through and run into The Ghastly Spectre#(paper white actor with very black pronounced eyes etc with no colour on them showing At All)
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personally I donāt hate gray wing nearly as much as everyone else because heās a great example of having rose colored glasses just because āwell, heās familyā, and not realizing until far too late that that essentially ruined his life and made him amount to almost nothing. Because clear sky is his brother, he wants to assume the best of him. Surely, my brother would never. Surely he didnāt mean it like that. Surely heāll do better next time. Heās my brother. He COULDNāT be a bad guy. So he keeps giving him chances, over and over and over again, until itās completely destroyed him. Until he can no longer breathe, his lungs full of toxic smoke that clear sky abandoned him to breathe in, until he is under his claws, nearly killed under the moonlight, until his people are battered again and again, until borders become inevitable. But he never, ever realizes, because- itās his brother. Surely, his brother will do better next time. Surely, he didnāt mean it. Surely, he will change.
And believing that is the death of him.
#It was always to my understanding that he died early BECAUSE of the lung damage#And that the fire and leaving gray wing behind was on clear sky. I donāt remember how but I remember it was#Clear skyās actions got gray wing killed in the end. But he loved his stupid brother so much he was blind to see it until he literally died#Hell. And even after.#Because- theyāre brothers. Surely. Hell do better next time.#Like people who keep forgiving their family over and over#Ohhh but hes changed!!! No he hasnāt. He may pretend for 10 minutes but heās going back after another#but itās my mom/dad/brotherā¦ I HAVE to have a relationship with themā¦ becauseā¦ yknowā¦ familyā¦.#When really the best thing to do when you have a clear sky is cut that fucker off#Because he will slowly drain the life out of you and everyone around you#BUT. I donāt HATE the person who doesnāt cut off their family member#I feel SORRY for them. That they canāt realize how badly theyāre hurting themselves keeping this up#So. I donāt hate gray wing.#Clear sky is a bastard and Iād say I hate him as a person tho. but not as a character either#Because heās a villain and those motivate plot. I know they change their mind later. But I didnāt. I didnāt forget#And I choose to believe the powers that be didnāt either. Given skyclan all dies within the next decade and stays gone for generations#But I guess none of that is CANON text. Itās just also not NOT canon. Itās not an AU au because it like#COULD be why. They just didnāt say one way or the other#Anyway gray wing is really just like. A pathetic wet mop of a guy#Definitely no wise sage#But I do not hate him. I cried when he died at the end of path of stars#I pity that he never got to live a life free of all that toxicity because ābut we familyā.#Like a lot of older. Perhaps religious raised. People I grew up around with shitty family members#No you donāt owe it to anybody no you donāt have to respect thy father and mother if they donāt respect you#You never asked to be born. Etc etc#But that. They gave me something and family is family and blood is thicker than water attitude#Is very common around rural religious areas. Which is. What I think of the clans as. Backwoods evangelicals#ESPECIALLY in the early days#Well. Bullsā shit is thicker than blood. And thatās what your life is gonna be full of if you stick with toxic people because of blood#Anyway whatever none of this means anything. Just. Saying words
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