#i was gonna say i wish my mood was more stable but thats not quite right.

[pizzapizzadickz]

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[robinismywifee]

Back to the Old House - Chapter 5:

August 30th, 2034

[7 days after previous chapter]

Raines age: 16 years, 6 months

Ellies age: 15 years, 3 months

CW: none

Words: 1381

Masterlist

Raines POV:

I've been going on patrol with Jesse for a week now. He still started awkward conversations and tried to get to know me, but since I would either just not reply or give an answer without actually answering, he would resort to just telling me his answer in detail. Although I didn't care, I did listen because it felt rude not to. He hasn't done anything wrong and is a nice guy, however, I wish he didn't try so much.

Me and Jesse were on our way back to Jackson, on our horses, we finally ran into infected today so it wasn't entirely boring, even if it was only 2 runners.

"So, school starts up again next monday, you're gonna go, right?" Jesse randomly asked.

I looked at him confused, "School?"

He looked back at me, confused of why I was confused. "Yeah?"

"Oh. Didn't know there was a school system for older kids here."

"Well, I went last year and it was fun. We learn a

bunch of different things! Like, grammer, poetry, history, all different kinds of science, some math.." Jesse listed on his fingers, "Oh! And you can take an extra class for art, or at least last year they had it. And then they have all the other boring stuff, like health.. survival.. combat.."

I liked the idea of learning more poetry and history. My ears perked up when he mentioned an art class, awhile back when I was super young, before i lived at the QZ, I would paint all the time. Anything I saw in nature I painted. I sketch from time to time, but I miss painting alot. Maybe they have the supplies for that?

"Art class?" I simply asked.

"Yeah! My friend E- uhh.. my friend took the class, she really enjoyed it actually. Do you draw?"

I shrug, "Well, i'm sure you're great! And you can improve by going to school! You should sign up for it, or I guess since you live with Maria you could just ask her."

"What do the teach in the art class?"

"Well, I didn't take it, thats not really my thing, but, from what i've heard, they teach the history of art, different techniques for drawing and painting, i'm pretty sure theres even a lesson on clay sculptures and you get to make stuff out of it. Pretty cool, I wish I was artsy."

I sat on my horse in silence as Jesse continued talking about his favorite classes, thinking about the idea of school. Real school. Not stupid QZ school.

The idea of learning more about most of those stuff sounded fascinating to me but the idea of having to be social and just around people was the mood killer.

Shortly after, we arrived at the gates of Jackson. We got to the stables as always, and as I began to walk away to go back to Marias, Jesse stopped me.

"Hey, I know social settings or gatherings arent really your thing, but I really think you should give it a shot. If you don't like it, then you can quit. But I think if you don't try then you'll regret it. So, if you do decide to show, find my face and there will be an open seat next to it!"

I nodded, "Thanks, Jesse. I'll think about it"

୨♡୧

The next day

"So, didya sign up yet?"

I glanced at him from behind me, hes still going on about the school thing?

"For school classes"

"Yeah, I got that" I mumbled, turning back and continuing walking.

We had just gotten off of morning patrol and I was walking back to the house when he followed behind me.

"I'm guessing you haven't"

I shook my head no, he walked infront of me as we both stopped walking, "how bout' I take you to the sign up sheets and we do it right now?"

"Uhh, Jesse, I don't really think I wanna do-"

"How about I stop annoying you on patrol and shut up whenever you want, if you sign up for them and go? Just the first day"

I stood and thought about it. I would much rather hear the chirping birds then Jesse chirping about how his girlfriend broke up with him.

"okay."

"okay? i- is that all?"

"What else is there to say? now, take me there"

Jesse cheered silently and started leading me the opposite way. He took me to a familiar building. This was the building I woke up in from my coma.

"Jesse?"

"Hm?"

"I thought this was the towns hospital?"

"Oh, yeah, top floor is. This is a pretty big building and its like the main one, so theres alot of different stuff in it." he explained

as we entered, I saw a sign in the lobby that labeled what each floor was.

Jesse took me to the front desk, the guy in the chair seemed to be focused on something else as Jesse grabbed a paper that was layed out, and a pen from a cup.

We sat down on nearby chairs, Jesse placed the paper and pen down on the table infront of us, "Pretty simple, just fill it out and mark it off, kinda self explanatory"

I nodded, and filled out my name, age, guardians, marked off all the boxes of what classes I wanted to be in, and stated the job I had and what time I worked.

"now what?" I asked, looking at him, Jesse answered by getting up, a dick eating grin plastered on his face, and handed the focused guy at the front desk the paper.

"Lets go! Oh, you're gonna love it, I can't wait for you to show me your artwork-"

"Okay, you're annoying me, shut it," I couldn't help but smile at him as we walked out the building, "and who said that i'm gonna show you my artwork?" I snarked

"Uh, me? I did? And the shutting-up-whenever-you-want-deal isn't on until you go to school on Monday, plus I said only when we're on patrol"

"So I just did that for basically nothing since Monday isn't for 4 days and it only applies to patrol?"

Jesse laughed, "You would have missed out on a big opportunity i'm doing you a huge favor-"

"Hey Jesse" a snarkling voice interrupted, my soft smile immediately dropped once I saw the short black haired girl. The same girl who was holding hands with Ellie that night, the same girl who rode the bicycle with Ellie, I suddenly felt like throwing up.

"Oh, hey Cat" Jesse said with a soft smile, I looked to the ground, shifting on my feet, my cheeks were growing red from embarrassment She heard me call Ellie a dyke..

"Ah- this is Raine! Shes my patrol partner" Jesse said after an awkward moment of silence, a hint of excitement behind his voice. Probably excited to finally introduce me with his friend. God why is he friends with this girl? and what kind of name is cat.

"We've met." Cat says coldly, my eyes stay to the ground, I bite my tongue so hard I start to taste blood.

"Oh? I didn't know Raine met anyone other then me and Dina.."

"Well, I guess we hadn't officially met, but it was enough. Anyways, we were all gonna watch a movie tonight at my place, wanna come?"

I could feel Jesse glance to look at me, and back at Cat. "Uh, yeah Cat, thats.. good, what time?"

"Be there at 7, it's gonna be so fun, I bet you could get Dina back by tomorrow"

I couldn't take it anymore, her voice was stinging.

I sped walked away with my head down, I could hear muffled behind my ringing ears Jesse calling my name, but I ignored it.

[joelletwo]

may i be frank with u. im not going to kill myself over a job at this point in my life thats way too much of a waste itd have to be over something way cooler. and i have packages coming. (processing thru it bc no one irl has been helpful ->)

i dont Want to quit. and i still think im being stupid over this but also i just have to accept that i have fragile mental health and i will be stupid over things and i do not want to spend a single more shift in tears thinking about killing myself in horrible stressed stomach pain. but i really dont want to quit and it would throw quite a lot of things into disarray if i did i think and what im saying is instead it started morphing over the shift into power fantasies of i threaten to quit and in return i never have to work with her again. lol. or i go to work tomorrow and tell her to be nicies to me or ill walk out <3 like what are my options here to get out of Despairsville. could be really funny.

i dont waaaaant to quit i like this job i thought things were about to get better i Do not know why she seems so mad at Me Only except that shes always p much tolerated me more than enjoyed my presence which is fine lol but if her being in a bad mood at any point means that ill suddenly get downgraded for however long she feels like it to Useless Annoying Employee in her mind which is objectively false then. i feel like. im correct to not want to tolerate that? why stay at a job where im actively disliked? why shoulder all the fucking responsibility of being a manager and none of the trust

like she was even the one about to quit way before bc store manager was disrespectful to her and was telling me we can always get better jobs anywhere. which i was fully in support of. bc its true. throw a dart blindfolded and hit a better paying job probably too lol. but i dont waaant tooooo i like this job u_____u

and i think about telling store manager how close i am to walking out so as not to blindside her n give her a chance to problem solve b4 its too late and having to explain why im at this point and i. cant. explain why nothing outwardly rude in her behavior is hitting me so badly. and i dont know what she can even do about it. and she talks today abt so many weeks-in-the-future work plans/i hear about so many annoying corporate changes coming up and im like hm. but what if i just didnt come back tomorrow. i have to train someone on thursday lol i heard her tell the new hire yeah we have a great team we never have drama...........

idk i dont want to flame out its gonna risk giving me a complex about my employability after finally getting over my first one it just feels like a backslide in my progress u__________u and also i do not fucking want to job hunt. but also. i have several months of savings and itd be so much easier to job hunt without. having a job. siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh i feel like i will always live Precariously which worries me...................... i also wish making this decision didnt feel so much like. jump out a plane w no parachute hope for the best. i hate. i hate i hate i hate i hate being independent i hate having no safety net i hate my available safety nets risking making me suicidal for realsies which makes me feel like i need to tough it out so i can (save more money/pay off more debt/leave on a better note for better reference for better stupid job) to be in a more stable position. i hate planet earth 2023 (<- DEFINITELY catastrophizing. whatever ill get over it)

also i promised to tell bestie if i start looking for jobs so he can jump ship too lol. but also i want things to get better for him i want them to treat him more niceys and i want to hold out long enough to see if it does. rather than quit suddenly and make things chaotic bc he'll definitely get shafted in that.

BUT. thru all this. well it is comforting to know that at literally any point things get too much i can go fuck you, heres my keys, bye forever, good fucking luck tonight. my ooooooollllllll' faithful. fucking Giving Up. tuesday!!!! <- brought it back around

Cry in my car tuesday 🎉🎉🎉

[clownbeep]

This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

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.

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.

.

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Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

I

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..

[mechagalaxy]

Bunny before Battle: Interview with Don Lindley 24770

ANN-Welcome to the ANN Studio's Don Lindley. Sorry house rules, if you are drinking coffee you will have to add alcohol.  ANN studio policy.

 Don-never to early for good grog- it's daylight somewhere.

 ANN-Good thought!

 ANN-So the war drums are beating for another Clan War.  Our initial intelligence on the target world suggests we will have the chance to use a lot of specialist formations in the coming campaign.  Do you prefer wars with many, few, or no specialists?

 Don-Tough question - it's a mood thing mostly . Big slugfest's can be entertaining and reasonably fun , the more specialists you add into the mix, the better the chances are of catching a squad in the wrong place at the right time , takes alot of extra time to find and catch those extra wins- but it's worth it. and if you are a specialist - well that game gets even funner as you have to change, hit and get your own squad back before you get caught yourself.

 ANN-Do you use the King of the Mountain competitions to test and improve your lineups, or are your war and KOTM lineups separate?

 Don-Every battle is a chance to evaluate and change things , hopefully for the better , sometimes they are meant to be temporary, to overcome a particular instance and they become permanent changes, sometimes you realise why you didn't have it that way and only get to watch as your mecha get turned into scrap before you change things back. nothing ever really stays the same - pilots get new gear and guns every day -it all changes - those that adapt get better, those that don't - well they don't.

 ANN-So there is no "best" just best for the moment.  Always new things to learn, new developments to test.  Well it keeps the game exciting.

 What did you think of the massive raiding that Evil Santa did prior to and during the last war? Did you net any goodies?

 Don- Oh my yes , from the prewar events , the Bronze in CW and the raid afterwards - it was truely a gifted season. mechs long waiting in the stables saw upgrades, weapons upgrades for many mecha , it was a most magical time , but i did miss the sparklers from the previous season - new years needs fireworks - but the new weapons filled in the pinch.

 ANN-Evil Santa really lived up to the second half of his name, giving gifts so magical I even loved his lumps of coal.  Bagged me a Reindeer as well.  What do you think of them?  Bigger than I expected, I figured him for a Namtar derivative, but 75 ton Niode was unexpected.

 Don-Found myself holding the reins of one as well , will make a fine addition once i get it all fed and grown up, figured them to be smaller as well , but 75 ton will fill in quite nicely when properly equipped. Looking forward to some testing and trials soon.

ANN- Indeed, I will say that Santa, while crazy as a dryer full of squirrels on spin cycle, is an amazing designer.

You are an avid KOTM player, what division do you fight in generally?

 Don-Well , I seem to in limbo - lowest rung of div 1  in one round , top tier in Div 2 in others. But soon it will settle and i will be Div 1 all the time . Funny thing is that being at the bottom of a Dev. is actually easier , take the wins you can get- reach as far up the ladder as you can -then figure out how to win and climb higher. Trading paint with the highest level pilots can teach you a lot.

 ANN-Having visited in both division recently I certainly agree.  Can you offer the readers any speculation on why Division 2 is so lightly contested?  Is it just not many players in the range fight KOTM regularly, or is the range just scantly populated?

 Don-A bit of both probably , the level range is a bit sparse , and alot of pilots are not wanting , willing or maybe just think they are not ready for Div 1 . i have a bit of suprise news for them all though - Nobody is every "ready" for Div1 , you just get there and get better. the pain is temporary, but the medals and metal are yours to keep for as long as you wish.

 ANN-I will admit that I find the weapons given as prizes at the higher levels I can't sell, I find places for them in my lineups.  The medals are worth fighting for in this range, as is the chance to test your lineups against the best for very low XP cost.

 We have seen a lot of new equipment come out for the 100 ton mecha, do you think this has offset the low limits/high slot numbers that were such a problem before?

 Don-It is helping some , but I still find myself rearranging weapons load outs, trying to make them stretch just a bit further. I can only imagine the issues that a full squad of 100 ton mecha can have.

 ANN-I honestly wonder how the guys with full 100 ton lineups equip them, as I am stretching to properly fill the few I have.

 Any predictions on the coming war, anyone you are especially looking forward to facing?

 Don-Pretty sure that we are gonna be fighting in Div 1 . Hoping for a few suprises there but after the last few CW's , not looking like there are gonna be any big suprises - a few pilot to pilot battles may change winners but thats about it I think.

 ANN-Always interesting to see.  Even if the same banners go up, there is often some changes in who stands beneath them this war.  It should be fun.  Thank you for your time and thoughts, see you on the field.

 Don-Thanks for the breakfast beers - good luck out there. John T Mainer 28840 Interview with Don Lindley 24770