#i was asleep by 9 because i’m a grandma

[oh-surprise-its-me]

@aki-draws-things

Okay so first off I’m playing fast and loose with timelines and ages. Just know I picture Jake born in 1988 so he’s 34 in tgm.

Christopher Cameron Seresin

He’s about 5’10. Which isn’t short but good god Slider is a fucking moose.

He’s blonde af and has a collection of tattoos from above his elbow and knees, Jake loves coloring them in when he’s young. His favorite colors are light blue and green.

Two sisters, one older one younger.

Not necessarily a bad relationship with his parents just one he knew he wanted to have better for his kids. His parents weren’t exactly supportive of him being gay. They refused to acknowledge it. But it was fairly fine and didn’t cause any real issues when he was growing up.

He became a firefighter because he saw a house fire take away his grandma when he was 7. She had left a candle burning and forgotten. He got burned on the right side of his head from where he was asleep on the couch. The scars aren’t completely noticeable but if you know what you are looking for you can see them on his ear pretty easily.

Absolutely obsessed with cats. He’s gotten yelled at multiple times by Ron and his captain for going back into burned houses for pets

Literally always knew he was gay. His older sister would have magazines and he was obsessed. She would always let him take them after she got bored with them.

His younger sister was always a bit bonkers. They aren’t super close but not from a lack of trying on Chris’ part, when she leaves at 18 after graduation with a boyfriend no one is shocked.

In Highschool he was such the pretty boy. All the girls thought he was gorgeous. He didn’t really care about them but would always try to be nice when he said no to dates.

He meets Ron at age 24. Ron is 25. Chris is terrified of losing Ron when he flies. But he doesn’t actually realize that Ron is just as scared of losing him to a fire that goes wrong.

Chris LOVES dancing in clubs. It took months for him to convince the three of them a gay club in Texas in a town two hours away from where they live isn’t going to out them instantaneously. Mav ends up loving it Tom likes it until he gets jealous, Ron enjoys watching Chris be happy.

They get engaged after top gun. Chris technically isn’t supposed to know how close it got to Ron not coming home but he knows just by how Ron holds onto him when he lands in Texas with three months off.

Tom and Mav follow a month later and they all live together for those remaining two months

Chris meets Maverick and they instantly like each other. Mav and him can completely disassemble a car together and put it back in better condition.

Ice and Slider are terrified of their boyfriends when they are together, they literally don’t speak and just know what the other person needs (Ron and Tom do the exact same thing they just don’t realize it)

Jake comes into their lives in 1988, he’s barely a week old. Chris’ younger sister asked to meet for coffee and brought Jake along, she’s clearly using. She asks Chris to take Jake. She can’t do it. It’s Chris or foster care.

Chris takes Jake without a bit of hesitation. Ron comes home from meetings all day to a baby sobbing from his own withdrawals and sees Chris crying right along with Jake.

Those next few months are some of the worst, it crushes Ron to hear Jake scream like he does at night. Chris takes basically all of his time off he can, his captain fully understands and supports him the best he can. Chris is sleep deprived for months until Ron is up again for reenlistment.

Jake is 9 months old at that point and Ron only agrees to reenlist because they promise him a promotion with a guaranteed stay in one place for two years.

Ron is secretly terrified that Jake isn’t going to like him because he’s been gone so often. Slightly irrational but still a fear. It’s a stupid fear, Jake is obsessed with his other dad. He loves sitting on Ron’s lap and listening to Ron read.

Chris is also obsessed with listening to Ron read. It’s extremely comforting to him to listen to the man he loves read to their son. Son! They have a son!!

Wow can you tell I got hyper-focused and I really rambled for a while there sorry I got excited- please ask questions or please write things if you are inspired!! I’m always happy to answer!!

[mothergold]

1/9/21 <3

i missed you <3 (sorry i’m so late to this. i fell asleep.)

1. what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are? -> 1. trauma 2. my passions 3. my autism

9. tell a story about your childhood -> growing up my grandparents were the ones who raised me. my mom and dad were around they just weren’t very present if that makes sense. so i have a lot of memories with my grandparents, especially my grams. me and my grandma used to have sleep overs almost every weekend and we’d put on my favorite disney movies and we’d fall asleep watching them. idk it’s very comforting to think about, especially because my mom didn’t like being affectionate or being close to me like that.

21. are you a spiritual person? -> not really. like i’ve been really interested in Wicca and want to practice it personally, but i’m a little nervous tbh. But yeah that’s about as spiritual as i am lmao

[suckitsurveys]

2014/2024

1. First thing you touched this morning? Boyfriend./ Husband.

2. Last thing you yelled at? I’ve been saying things loudly all day I’m so hyper right now. And that sentence makes it sound like I am a 15 year old oops. / Someone who wouldn’t get out of my way on the expressway lol. 3. Is your car a piece of crap? Ahhh my favorite 14 year old piece of crap. / My car is actually in really good shape aside from the fact that it fucking leaks gas and they can’t find a replacement fuel tank so now I have to probably buy a new car.

4. What’s something you’re looking forward to in the next 7 days? Being with babe and getting hella paid next Friday. / Celebrating my niece’s 11th birthday and getting sushi twice in the same week when I go out with my friends for my birthday lol.

5. What’s annoying you right now? I feel weird but not weird. / Honestly how this survey formatted when I pasted it in here and now I have to fix every answer.

6. When is the last time you looked in the mirror? Earlier when I went to the bathroom. / This morning.

7. Would you have a long distance relationship with the person you are with now? We kind of have one now but not really? I mean he lives an hour away from me but we see each other pretty often. Like most of the week. / I mean we are married now so a long distance relationship would suck, especially after living together for almost 8 years now.

8. Who was the last person to make you really mad? My sister. / Actually, my sister, haha.

9. Where is the last place you had sex? In Mark’s new bed! Well. In my old bed, which is now his bed. / In our bed.

10. Who is the last person you had sex with? Mark! / Mark!

11. Do you enjoy watching porn? I do. / Sometimes.

12. What’s your favorite drinking game? Circle of Death! / I still like Circle of Death but I never play drinking games anymore.

13. Do you cry often? Ehh.  / Yes.I have been an emotional nightmare the past year hahahahahaahahaaaaaaaaaaaa.

14. Do you think someone is thinking of you right now? “Hey babe are you thinking of me right now?” “Always and forever.” / He’s still asleep so not yet.

15. Choose one to have (beer, cigs, or weed)? WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED. / Weed.

16. Do you wish on stars? Naw. / Not really.

17. Are you a big flirt? Nah. / Nope.

18. What is the most disgusting prank you’ve ever done? – / I don’t do pranks.

19. What would you do if you became pregnant? Get an abortion. / Get an abortion.

20. When did you last make out with someone? Was it good? Yesterday, and yes. / A couple of days ago, and yes.

21. Do you like your body? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. / Right now no.

22. Are you a likeable person? Fuck yeah I am amazing. / I don’t know, ask the people who claim to like me.

24. Who did you dream of last night? I don’t remember. / I had a dream Longfellow quit SNL but it was because he got the lead role in a movie franchise hahaha.

25. Whose body do you wish you had? My own but 30lbs lighter. / My own but 50lbs lighter.

26. What is the first thing you are going to do when you get home? Probably shower and get ready for my Grandma’s 89th birthday. I’m going home Sunday morning for that. / Put all my shit away and change into comfy clothes.

27. When is the last time you saw your mom? Alive? July 18, 2013. / July 18, 2013.

28. Have you ever been so in love, you wanted to get married? Like right now, yeah. / Yup, and I did.

29. Did you get lucky on prom night? I went with my best friend from Boston. So yeah that was pretty lucky. / In the sexual sense, no.

30. Is there a song that makes you cry? Oh god yes. / Yes, several.

31. Are you normally a horny person? Yeah. / Yeah.

32. Where is your self-esteem from 1 (low) to 10 (high)? Like an 8 right now. / 2.

33. What color are your eyes? Greeeeeen. / Green.

34. Plans for tonight? About to go swimming with babe. Then we might get pizza and wine and chill tonight. / Going to my sister’s so I can take my niece’s birthday pictures and maybe tell her she’s going to see Billie Eilish in November. Then I’m gunna go home and eat dinner with Mark.

35. Plans for the weekend? Well tomorrow I’ll still be here and Sunday is my grandma’s birthday. So that. / Tomorrow is my niece’s birthday and we’re having a family party for her. Then Sunday I’m planning on taking her to lunch and the mall to pick out a few things.

[todayisawthewhxlewxrld]

So!! I'm going insane!! Basically I have this boyfriend, and oml I love him so MUUUCCHHHh. But it's and stop because this has me so dead.

We met thru mutual friends ON A SERVER IN DISCORD man frick it sounds so bad when it's said but wtv, I'm not one to date online. Like I did it 2 other times and one was when I was 12 and in the pandemic 😔 THATS NOT WHERE THE PROBLEM LIES. I love him regardless and we call frequently, play games a lot together and ofc we text ALL THE TIIME. THE PROBLEM IS I KEEP DREAMING OF HIIIMMM.

I went to bed this morning and had a dream that he and I were living together, like in my grandmas house (she's been saying that she wants to pass it down to me and my family) and we were just super touchy and lovey dovey with each other. The long intimate hugs where we swayed a little bit felt so real, TOO real. Now ofc my mind had to get a lil freaky near the end but even then it wasn't anything extreme, it was just omfg. The atmosphere was filled with love rather than lust, we held hands, cuddled, ate together.... Yall I just want him so bad, lord if you hear me bless me with a hug from this beautiful amazing flawless perfect sweetest funniest man, I CANT.

ITS SO BAD!!! I literally have his initial EVERYWHERE. My dresser drawer has his name, interests and favorite things on there 😖 I bought a thing of stickers for this single full metal alchemist sticker just so I could put it there, he's all I think about AND WHEN I PLAY SOMETHING WITH MY FRIENDS ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS IF HE WOULD WANT TO PLAY IT WITH ME ASWELL!!! Istg I have never been this like idk way with another person, I genuinely feel like I'm dying everyday because WHHHHYYYY IS THE LOML SO FAR AWAY FROM MEEEEEEE.

It's an OBSESSION at this point, and I NEED TO GET OVER IT BUT LORDDDDDDD...... THE HEAVENS BLESSED ME WITH SOMETHING AMAZING 😭😭

Anyways lemme stop, I just can't say THIS TO ANYONE ELSE BECAUSE IK ALL MY FRIENDS ARE TIRED OF HEARING ABT HIM BUT HES ALL THAT OCCUPIES MY MIND. DAMN IT I MELT EVERYTIME HE SAYS MY NICKNAMMEEEE. 😪😪

OKOO FR LEMME STOP BEFKRE I POP A BLOOD VESSEL or start writing notes abt him 🤭 I'm gonna eat play fortnite and SLEEP hopefully, if he doesn't text me soon 🙄 (he has school in a few hours and is currently sleeping, so it's likely that I won't be texted until 8 am, WHICH IDM.... I'll stay up if I HAVE to, OR I'll just sleep and set an alarm) (I fell asleep around 9 am tdy and missed his text after he was home cause I was sleeping, I woke up disappointed in myself)

Holy shit maybe I'm a lovergirl 😧 got me saying and admitting things I PROMISED ID NEVER DO!

Okay I gotta go before I flip out BYEEYE

THIS IS SOOOOO CUTE STOPPP ugh i need all of u to stop having love lives :///

ur literally just like making fanfic of him in ur own dreams i’m crurogngn

LOVE THIS FOR U THO BAE THIS IS ADORABLE

[sakurachan7734]

Happy little family

Chapter 6: sweet dreams my little angel

April 5 at 11:23 tobor was sound asleep and In his dream he say those people again but this time he was able to talk to them

Zach: hi again little one!

Tobor: who are you?

Angelina: your grandparents silly

Tobor: but you look nothing like grandma Linda

Angelina: because biological she is your great aunt 

Tobor: what?

Zach: we are your biological grandparents The reason why you don’t see us is because we died in a fire when your mama was your age 

Tobor: why did mama tell me about you?

Zach: she was planning on telling you but when you were old enough to understand

Tobor: oh ok

Angelina: if you want to you can refer me and Linda as grandma

Tobor: ok grandma and grandpa!

Zach: how are you, your brother and Both your mommy’s?

Tobor: I’m getting better the doctors say I should be better by next month! My brother is good and my mommy’s are getting married!

Angelina: that’s great news!

Tobor: and mommy said that when I get out we go to the park and get ice cream!!

Zach: that seems really fun! 

Tobor: I wanted to go to an amusement park, but mommy said that we won’t have any money for it after my treatment

Angelina: that sucks but ice cream and The park is fun to right?

Tobor: yea I like being outside!

Zach: you can’t go outside already?

Tobor: well I kinda can, but not for long since I have a tube going up my nose 

Angelina: ok are your mommy’s helping you get better?

Tobor: yes Mommy’s are giving me lots of love!

Zach: that’s great!

Tobor: oh it looks like I have to wake up now

Angelina: ok see you later little angel

Sally: good morning sweetheart

Tobor: good morning mama I saw those people again!

Sally: oh really?

Tobor: yea they said that grandma Linda is biologically my great aunt and that they died when you were my age and you were planning on telling me and talus where old enough

Sally: that’s true do you understand what they said? I understand it may be confusing since you are used to call Linda grandpa

Tobor: yea! She said I can call both her and Linda grandma!

Sally: that’s nice! Are you excited that you may be over your sickness soon?

Tobor: yes I want to run around outside again!!

Sally:* laughs a bit* you sound like your mommy

Tobor: is that a bad thing?

Sally: of course not I’m saying that because you and your brother and mommy are very energetic it’s adorable now let’s get you some pancakes

Tobor: thanks mama!

Sally and tobor go to the cafeteria where Kim and talus are already there

Kim: hi tobor did you sleep well?

Tobor: yea I did because I am feeling a lot better!

Kim: that’s great I’m happy that hopefully by next month you should be all better!!

They all kept talking and Zach’s and Angelina souls were watching in the corner of the room

Zach: its nice seeing our little girl having her own family and making sure that her kids are safe and happy

Angelina: it is I’m glad her soon to be wife is treating her well and making her happy and starting a new chapter in her life hopefully it will be happier than the past few big moments in her life

may 11 9:12am

Linda: are you ready for probably your last day of chemo?

Tobor: yes I am grandma Linda!

Linda: good

End of chapter

[purplesimmer455]

Piper headed inside and saw Mrs. and Mr. Kang. She had learned some Korean (from her auntie Tess, who was studying Korean herself to feel closer to her late grandma Alice, and she hoped her accent and pronunciation wasn’t too bad) just so she could impress them, and said hi to them and asked them about their day, admitting that was most of the Korean she knew. They smiled and said it was fine, and Mr. Kang asked Piper about her family while Mrs. Kang asked Piper about her school and extracurriculars. Piper felt nervous as heck because Cam’s parents were older than her moms (they had Cece first and then Cam 9 years later) and they seemed serious which always made her worry that she might come off too goofy from nerves and laughing. But they were really nice and told her how much they’d wanted to meet her since Cam told them about her and complimented her dress and hair.

Piper’s auntie Megan came inside, and Piper noticed her cheeks were slightly pink. She gave her auntie an ‘Everything okay?’ look, and Megan nodded. Megan greeted Paenji, who grinned and said she definitely remembered Megan. “That time me, you, Min Jun, and Is hung out at the bar and you got so drunk you were dancing on a table and Is had to help you get off it and half-carry you home. She said you wouldn’t let her leave the whole night and she had to knock out on your couch once you were asleep.” She said, laughing. Piper raised her eyebrows at this, and Megan blushed and laughed, saying she vaguely remembered it. “We’re so old, P.” She joked. “I can’t remember all of that.” She added. “Shut the hell up.” Paenji said, grinning. “I’m 10 years older than you and Is, so don't talk to me about being old.” She joked. Piper was amused by how much Cam’s mom seemed to open up around auntie Megan, and grinned as they ribbed each other with old memories and laughed. She also stored some information away so she could tease her auntie Megan later with it. But mostly she was impressed. She always thought her auntie Megan was so cool, and it was interesting to hear stories of her from college.

[cloversterritory]

So… after all that fighting, trying to keep on top of blockages… I found my buddy Clover passed away in our room. There was blood (edit: this turned out to be dark urine, not blood, but it still doesn’t bode well that it was orange/red, nor that he peed outside his litter box since he was very well trained) in the corner along with some small poos. I think he passed from blockages or a gut issue. I didn’t find him in time, he was already sort of stiff and very, very dead by the time I found him. Oh, god. I’m so sorry, Clover. I wanted to be there when it happened. I wanted it to be something unpreventable, like old age. Not something as common as GI stasis or blockages. I gave you tummy treats every day. I syringe fed you when you wouldn’t eat. I tried to keep on top of your water, although I hadn’t changed it recently. You shed a lot and I hadn’t been able to clean it all up, but you had never reacted to the room being furry before. Only difference was a towel I had brought in while it was freezing, because my window was bad and your poor little ears were icicles that one time. I covered the window with a furniture blanket and brought the towel I had warmed you in and left it on the bed for you to nestle in, because you hadn’t tried to eat fabric in a long time. I don’t know if you ate fabric or it was just the wrong circumstances, but I’m so sorry I wasn’t there when you were scared. Oh I was always there to hold you when you were scared. Like the first week I had you, there was an awful storm, and you had to be on the screened in porch at my grandma’s house because she didn’t allow the rabbit inside. But the wind, rain, thunder, and lightning were awful, and as soon as I heard it all I ran out to get you and make sure you were safe and warm. I moved all your food and water inside for the night and anything that could possibly get wet through the screen, and I held you against my chest like you loved to be held. I sat in the guest room on the floor with you, and you fell asleep there on my chest. I wish that was how you went out, too. My buddy I will never forget you, and I will always grieve you. I hope this year of the rabbit you get to watch over me, and enjoy a greater pampering than you could ever wish for. Go binky up that rainbow bridge, and say hi our other pet up there, Rudi. Please wait for me and everyone else with Rudi. I love you. It would have been seven years of having you if you had survived New Years. You had to go much too soon for either of us, but I will cherish the time we spent. August 9, 2016– December 31, 2022.

[sage-a-licious]

Long brain dump post about argument with my aunt. I don’t expect anyone to want to read this.

My aunt has kind of taken over choosing/downloading books onto the iPad for my grandma lately. I didn’t know why but I was going along with it because my grandma liked the books and as long as she’s happy, whatever. But then, on Thursday afternoon, my aunt sends me a text asking me to resume looking for books because, “Mom does not want more of what I’ve selected right now.” So I get some options together and bring them down at dinner and say, “Aunty said you need a new book?” And my grandma’s like, “No! I’m trying the newest John Grisham.” Okay. So basically soon after that, my grandma decided she didn’t like the John Grisham book and told my aunt at breakfast. Instead of telling me anything she put a new book on. Okay, I thought I was doing this now but as long as grandma’s happy. Then at dinner I come down and she’s going over books with my grandma and I get further confused. It felt like I was getting cut out of a process I enjoyed without any explanation. So when my aunt was gone I asked grandma if she didn’t like the books I pick. She said she loves the books I pick. I told her how I felt cut out of the process and it was kind of hurting my feelings. She asked if she should say something to my aunt and I said no, I’d talk to her myself and not to worry about it. When I got upstairs she was on the phone and then I got busy doing other things so we didn’t talk about it that night.

Yesterday, after grandma’s dinner, she calls me and is like, “What the plan for the book tomorrow?” I said that I had some options and she was like, “Give them to me.” And I was like, “I’ll put it on tomorrow morning.” And she’s like, “Well I know how to do it. It’ll be smoother this way.” And me feeling left out rears its head real hard and I’m like, “Why are you trying to cut me out of this process?” And she’s like, “I’m not but sometimes Grandma needs a new book on a weekend morning and I text you and you’re asleep.” And I can’t really recall that happening but I guess it’s possible. And she says, “And a few weeks ago when the old iPad wouldn’t let me download a book on and I went to buy a new iPad because Apple said the old one was obsolete and you didn’t wake up until 9.” Again, don’t remember it happening this way but I’m like, “Okay and then I see the text and go downstairs at like 9:10. Grandma takes a shower at 8:30 and doesn’t start reading until 9 anyway.” And she’s like, “But sometimes I come downstairs and she has no book and she says you’ll put a new one on at lunch and she’s bored, I can tell.” “Okay, so text me to put a new book on earlier. She always tells me that lunchtime is when she wants the new book.” “She doesn’t want to inconvenience us. It would just be smoother if I downloaded it.” “Why does it need to be so smooth? You’re acting like this happens all the time and also she is asleep from like 10-12 every morning.” Then she starts repeating herself which is one of the things that enrages me and talking to me like I’m an idiot and I don’t want to get more upset so I just say, “Okay, we’ll do it your way. But for tomorrow can I just go down there myself one last time? I’ll set my alarm early.” “Why?” “Why are you making this so hard? Please just let me do it. I want this call to be over.” “Well no, because you got to say how you feel and take me through the whole thing and I want to do the same.” Then she starts repeating and condescending to me again and I interrupt her and say, “You want Grandma to be entertained at all times. I get it.” She’s like, “Exactly.”

We hang up. And I’m so mad. Shaking. And I go downstairs and put on a new book for my grandma and text the title to my aunt and she responds with Outstanding!!!!! Like we didn’t just have an argument. It’s the dumbest argument ever, I know. But she acts like my grandma is sitting in the dark, staring at a wall all the time and it’s my fault and that’s not happening at all. She has music, she has the radio and she usually has a book. This morning after the rage had cleared I realized it all started when the old iPad stopped working. So I went through my texts to see if she had messaged me and I didn’t respond. She messaged me at 10:44am that she was at the Apple Store buying a new iPad. She also insinuated that I must have been having problems downloading books that I didn’t tell her about. I corrected her that I hadn’t and she came home later all frustrated about having to spend the money for a new one. Thing is, she didn’t. We have another newer iPad already. She could have just plugged it in and had grandma use that. When I brought this up she said it only had one input so how would she listen and charge at the same time? I said they have adapters. So now the slightly older iPad just sits in my grandma’s house unused. And I think my aunt blames me?

Anyway, I also checked for calls on that day. I called her in the afternoon. She didn’t call or text me that morning. Am I supposed to know what’s going on telepathically or something? That’s where I am now. I feel better writing this all out. I know I didn’t handle this well but I think some of my feelings are valid.

[parageist]

oh boy

1. yes very much fortunately

2. my family when we opened presents together

3. yes i am a normal human who experiences many emotions, one such being regret. a lot

4. no YOUR insecure!! haha….:ha…

5. single i guess?

6. either when i’m a crusty decaying grandma in my sleep or like sacrificing myself for something action movie hero girl style

7. candy cane

8. yea, lacrosse when i was in 7th grade. you’ll never guess what my number was (hint: it’s 69)

9. yea

10. i don’t think i’ve ever had a physical fight with someone but i have had verbal arguments that made my blood boil to the point where i wanted to punch someone but i’ve never punched someone or been punched

11. kinda

12. i don’t think so

13. there’s always someone evil out there to hate

14. yes

15. yes a cat and dog but our dog has some behavioral issues so we won’t be able to keep her here for long :(

16. tired. stayed up until 4 am watching kwite videos and having an anxious doom spiral and then got like 4 hours of asleep. but hey i got some cool gifts for crimmy.

17. no that sounds disgusting

18. only if they crawl on me without me knowing or they like jumpscare me but once i notice them and realize what’s going on i’m chill. carry on little guy.

19. maybe

20. their house

21. eat, sleep, yiik, repeat😎

22. only if i could somehow dedicate 100% of my time to caring for them

23. nope

24. science. i also really like art but i never got the best grades in it because the grading system for art is stupid. fuck you

25. yes

26. sleep

27. yeah. unintentionally (if that even makes a difference)

28. nope

29. yea

30. i could go on for hours about everything wrong with the world but right now im grumpy because my eyes are super dry. one of the side effects of vyvanse and sertraline (medications i take) is making your eyes really dry for some reason. it also doesn’t help that im on screens a lot. also doesn’t help my crippling medical anxiety about my vision lmao

31. my family, pets, and friends

32. ourple

33. no but i have anxiety that makes me constantly afraid people are gonna backstab me

34. i don’t remember the one i had last night but a couple nights ago i had one where it was like this sci fi drama about this astronaut living alone on an asteroid and he finds this weird crater with a bunch of junk in it, such as this mysterious egg-shaped backpack. then i was with my friend in the woods but my dog was also with us and she kept shitting in front of random people in the forest. then me and the same friend were playing some ttrpg based on the sci-fi drama mentioned above but all the minis were these weird multicolored lego trains from the 60s

35. my mom and sister

36. yeah

37. forgive obviously.

38. probably, but a lot of my pre-2020 years were great as well, though that’s just because i was young and things seemed easier lmao

39. 14

40. nope

51. wait what the fuck why does it skip al the way to fifty one. Screw You?! jk… uhhhh i guess pizza or ramen or something

52. i mean technically yes. things don’t just spontaneously happen out of thin air. but i don’t believe that things happen for a future reason. like, a building falls over because it’s affected by gravity, but it’s not like it falls over because it wants to crush anyone inside it. i may also be confused about the difference between cause and reason. everything has a cause but only decision making creatures do stuff for specific reasons

53. be anxious over my own thoughts for like an hour before eventually succumbing to sleep deprivation

54. in what context? cheating as like in a relationship? cheating in a game? cheating in life?

55. i eat babies and kick puppies😈jk i don’t bite. im just Silly

56. 0… unless you count the imaginary people im arguing with in my head constantly. i am a veteran in mental fisticuffs

57. don’t gatekeep peoples love for not being “true” enough but also i think sometimes people fake their love for some reason

58. thunderstorms and windstorms are always the coolest, but rain and snow are the most calm and relaxing to me.

59. yes. the way it silently falls upon the land, turning everything into a blank white, absorbing sound and heat itself. it’s super disco 😎

60. maybe for the legal benefits but idk

61. yes

62. a lot of things :3

63. already did 🏳️‍⚧️

64. unconsensually? then yeah that wouldn’t just be hard, it would be impossible. but im also not just gonna ask people im not dating to kiss them. unless i know they’d be okay with it

65. im bisexual. this question means nothing to me. 😎

66. wtf is this whole “opposite sex” thing. my tumblrinas are of all genders and im constantly saying the most mentally unwell things and they still follow me so yeah :)

67. my dad??? but if you mean talk as in like, casual, non family talk, then uhhh idk. i don’t really know the genders of a lot of my friends i just see them all as being Fellas

68. myself😁

69. the hopeless romantic, childish part of me wants to. but idk. perfection doesn’t exist

70. my parents and sister. or like if my death would save multiple random people

70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? 02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? 03: Do you regret anything? 04: Are you insecure? 05: What is your relationship status? 06: How do you want to die? 07: What did you last eat? 08: Played any sports? 09: Do you bite your nails? 10: When was your last physical fight? 11: Do you like someone? 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 14: Do you miss someone? 15: Have any pets? 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? 17: Ever made out in the bathroom? 18: Are you scared of spiders? 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? 20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? 21: What are your plans for this weekend? 22: Do you want to have kids? How many? 23: Do you have piercings? How many? 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? 26: What are you craving right now? 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? 28: Have you ever been cheated on? 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? 30: What’s irritating you right now? 31: Does somebody love you? 32: What is your favourite color? 33: Do you have trust issues? 34: Who/what was your last dream about? 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? 36: Do you give out second chances too easily? 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? 38: Is this year the best year of your life? 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 51: Favourite food? 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? 54: Is cheating ever okay? 55: Are you mean? 56: How many people have you fist fought? 57: Do you believe in true love? 58: Favourite weather? 59: Do you like the snow? 60: Do you wanna get married? 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? 62: What makes you happy? 63: Would you change your name? 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 70: Is there anyone you would die for?

[serendipity-in-spring]

Hi tw for decomposition, creepy things, grandparents death??, just creepy i don’t know. read at your own risk.

For context. I was an adult when both my grandfathers died. This is a dream that I just had and am actually so terrified to fall back asleep now. So, it’s set in an office- like setting, however the floor is tilted like a hill, they are on wheeled desk chairs and they are constantly having to hold themselves at their desks. (facing the slant, so going forward into the desks constantly). My grandpa and grandma work there and are seated next to each other. I am aged at about 7-9. My “grandpa” is a mix between both my grandpas.

Basically it starts off sweet with little me going to visit them everyday at work and saying hi. I go alone everyday as far as i know. However i start to notice that every time i go in my grandpa is a little bit different, it’s very gradual. In my little girl brain at one point i’m even thinking is grandpa sick? However they are acting as if nothing is wrong and everything is exactly the same. However closer to the end it almost seems like he’s decomposing. I think at one point i ask and they tell me that nothing is wrong and grandpa is completely okay.

Basically every time i go in they act like a g+g would and basically are offering me cookies and are saying i’m the cutest little girl and shit. However I know something is wrong and there is nothing i can do because they won’t say anything so i have to act as if everything is okay and dandy.

The last time i go in (at this point he is like skins and bones, picture that one fish off of spongebob with the chocolate situation but human person who you love), grandpa slips and falls forward into the wall (still in his chair) and he’s laughing it off but the laugh like goes creepy real fast. So i go help him wheel back up to his desk, however i’m a whole child so i don’t have a lot of strength. And he like flops over so i am like basically dropping him. so my brother who i didn’t know was there. Who was the age he is right now comes over and does something to his neck, it almost seems like he breaks it. And suddenly grandpa is back alive again. my brother says something like “he just fell asleep haha just gotta keep him awake.” then brother disappears. Anyways as i am walking away this time i look back and there are tubes sticking out of his back. One is large enough that it takes up his whole back and is like pulsing. And i swear i like aged back up to where i am now like in the span of 5 seconds and then woke up.

So if any dream analysts would like to tell me what the fuck that means i would appreciate it

[itsnottraumaitsflavoring]

TW: mentions of abuse and depression

I am 3. I sleep outside their door. They do not understand why. The doctor tells them they do not give me enough attention. They do not give me the attention I crave, the attention I need to survive. I forgive them.

I am 5. My dad leaves too early and comes home too late for me to see him. I call him and say ‘goodnight daddy’. He says he’ll be home soon but I don't ever see him. It is just me, my mom, and my sister in this little house. I forgive him.

I am 8. I no longer wish for him to come home before I go to bed. Instead I learn to dread when he comes home, because more often than not that time is filled with screaming matches and anger. We are a volatile pair, me and him. I can not hold my tongue and he can not understand that I am just a child. I cry in the dark, trying to be silent so my sister doesn’t wake up. I forgive him.

I am 9. My sister lies and I am in trouble. I beg and plead and cry and say I did not do what she says. I’m not lying, I swear. Please daddy. He does not believe me. He screams and threatens and hurts. And when my sister admits the truth, he does not apologize. He simply says I knew it. Why was I punished then? The first seeds of loathing for her are planted in my brain. They blossom quickly under my parents. I go to bed angry that night. I fall asleep to the mantra of ihateyouihateyouihateyou. I forgive him by morning.

I am 9. I do piano and art club and swim team and I try my best, but it’s not enough. The refs tell him to step away from the pool. I cry in the car on the way home. I resolve, somewhere deep inside, that trying is not worth it. I cry again that night, stifled sobs into my pillow so my sister does not wake. He is forgiven by morning.

I am 10. He begins to grow up. He no longer throws things and hurts. He never raises a hand to my siblings. But the damage is already done. I am already made of anger and hate. It lives inside me, lingers beneath my skin. You can see it in my eyes, my stance, the words I say, the way I do not back down until we are both hoarse and red-faced. We scream and rage at each other and he always wins but I take solace in the fact that I am fighting back. I may go to bed angry, but I forgive him every morning.

I am 10. I watch him make my middle sister pack a suitcase because she said she doesn't want to live here. She is 5. I do not forget the way she screamed for our mother as my dad dragged her to the car. She comes back an hour later and apologizes to everyone. She's not the one who needs to ask for forgiveness. And although it is not my forgiveness to give, I forgive him anyways.

I am 10. He wonders why I hate my sister. So do I. He tells me that I am self-centered and egotistical. He calls me a bully and a jerk and tells my that when my sister commits suicide, it will be my fault. I sob in the living room of our 2 bedroom apartment and struggle not to cry myself to sleep that night. I forgive him.

I am 11. My mom and I argue. I hold soap in my mouth and refuse to admit wrong. I do not remember the fight, but I remember the injustice I feel at being told I am wrong when I am not. I do not yield. I hold the soap in my mouth for an hour, and she tells me to apologize and I can spit it out. I hold out for one more hour, allowing it to burn my tongue before finally giving in. I can’t eat for a week. We laugh it off at dinner, but I’m bitter as I fall asleep. I forgive her by morning.

I am 11. I hate my sisters. I hate myself. I hate my school. No one is my friend and I am so lonely. I want to go back home. Not this stupid city, but where I lived a year ago. Where I had friends, where the kids weren’t cruel, where I understood what was going on. I get a detention. So does my sister. Only one of us grounded. They go watch Star Wars. I pack a bag, grab the burner phone that used to be my Grandmas, write a note, and leave. I make it a block before I chicken out and come back. The babysitter didn’t even notice I left. My dad finds the note and I am yelled and laughed at simultaneously. Yelled at, because I was in trouble for breaking my grounding. Laughed at, because I am stupid and wouldn’t have gotten very far. I do not tell him I had a plan. I do not tell him I had money, that I knew which bus to take, that I knew where I was going. For years, he holds this over my head. Every time I complain or get upset he asks if I’m going to run away again. And every time, I forgive him.

I am 12. I do not know what I am doing. Am I stupid? No one is helping me catch up. I cheat in school. It is bellwork. I do not understand the difference between a noun and a verb. He locks me in the office and screams at me for hours and hours as I cry. He tells me that I am going to end up in the streets, pregnant and a drug-addict if I keep acting like this. He comes back later, and disguises another lecture as an “apology”. I rage in my room, wanting to hit something. Instead, something inside me breaks. I do not stop cheating. I just become better at hiding it. I develop a silver tongue, with which I talk my way out of trouble and, in the same breath, condemn others. He believes me, calls me trustworthy, says he is proud that I am not like other kids my age. I go to bed angry. I forgive him.

I am 12. I sob to my mother about how cruel kids at school are. I am loud and annoying and wrong. And they notice. And they act on it. Oh sorry you weren’t invited. A kid calls me a nightmare, another tells me to kill myself. He has said this before, but this time, for some reason, it sticks. I cry to my mom. She tells the teachers, because I am her child and there is a part of her that loves me. She tells my dad, and he sits me down and asks what I did to deserve it. A week later he is on the phone yelling at the mom of a kid in my sister's grade who was ‘bullying’ her. I have seen the way she treats her peers. They treat her the same way. Another ‘something’ breaks inside me. I am not loved. My arm hurts when I go to bed that night. I forgive him.

I am 12. My beautiful, baby-brat brother is born. I love him more than life itself. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for him. As I hold his tiny body and look into his brilliant blue eyes I think maybe he has come to save me. My mind flickers back to 3 months ago. My mother was on bedrest, trying to avoid a premature birth. I said something cruel to her that should never have come out of my mouth. She tells my father and he comes home from work in a rage. He takes everything I own and packs it into boxes. He tears paint off my walls, breaks my things in his rage. I am so angry. I look at my beautiful, baby-brat brother and I forgive him.

I am 13. I begin to notice things I hadn’t before. I see the way my mom favors my other siblings over me. I see her lie to my father about our arguments. I see how she twists our conversations to make me seem worse than I am. I see the hate she has in her heart for me. It hurts, but it makes things better at the same time. I sit and cry in the shower until she bangs on the door and tells me to stop wasting the hot water. I go to bed with tears in my eyes. And,although it takes me days and weeks, I forgive her.

I am 13. My uncle looks at me in ways grown-ups should never look at a child. He gives me special gifts and spends time with me. He’s been doing this for years. I don’t notice anything concerning. My dad takes me out and explains grooming and pedophiles to me. But instead of protecting me, he takes me back to the house and tells me to just avoid him as best I can. I do not understand how this simple gesture will affect me now, but in the future I will cry myself to sleep over it. I will wonder why my father did not protect his daughter. Isn’t that what dads are supposed to do? Still, I forgive him.

I am 13. It is Christmas morning. My dad is angry. He yells at my sisters for taking too long to eat breakfast. He yells when they take too long to get dressed. I bully and tease and antagonize to draw my dad's attention. It works, and I know that I’m protecting my siblings. He calls me a selfish bitch on Christmas, and sends me to my room. They open presents without me and that night I cry. I forgive him

I am 14. I am in a luau for church. My dad tells me I have not practiced that dance. I have. Over and over and over and over and over because I don’t want to look stupid. I am so, so desperate for approval. We scream at each other and I cry. I lock myself in the bathroom and sob and scream. He tells me to stop being a baby. He records the dance, prefacing that he will rub it in my face if I fail. I don’t. I go to sleep that night crying. I forgive him again.

I am 15. He makes comments about my body and how I hide my fat under baggy clothes. I do not understand what he is saying, I am built like my mother, Short and skinny and small-boned. I glance at my sister, the one built like my father, tall and muscled and big-boned. There is nothing wrong with either of us. I stand next to my sister. She wears black, and so do I. He only comments on what one of us is wearing. I don’t understand why I am the only one who gets judged. Again we stand, side-by-side. We present our grades. We are both failing. Only one of us gets yelled at. My arm hurts. A friend asks what happened. I don’t meet her eyes as I tell her I was puppy sitting. She doesn’t believe me. I can see it in her face. But my mom does. It hurts, how easily she believes me. I forgive her.

I am 15. My mom finds my a suicide note. She does not help me. She does not talk to me or offer any shows of support. Instead, she waits weeks to take me to a psychologist who specializes in helping kids addicted to drugs. He tells them I just get sad sometimes. When we leave she tells me I am overreacting. She tells me I am on my period, my emotions are just haywire. My father sits and listens to me tell the psychologist how empty and hopeless I feel inside. In the car he tells me to stop seeking attention. They tell me I am jealous of my sister. Jealous that my sister is getting attention because she actually needs help. I didn’t know. They tell me I am doing this because I can’t not let the world revolve around me. I cry myself to sleep that night, wondering why they did not love me. Still, I forgive them.

I am 16. And once again I notice things I hadn’t before. I watch my mom’s face pinch as my father calls her woman and tells her to shut up as she defends me. He turns his anger to me and I scream at him then, and we fight like we haven’t in a long time. Not since I learned how to read his emotion, since I learned to hold my tongue. My mom herds my sibling upstairs, before sitting in the living room, listening to me and my father scream at each other for hours. We scream about anything and everything, and find no way to stop, because we are the same, me and him. We are angry, cruel, and spiteful people. We are fractured reflections of each other. All he sees when he looks at me is what he could have been and all I see when I look at him is what I might become. We are disgusted. I go to bed angry and, for the first time, wake up with hate in my heart. Still, he is forgiven by sunset.

I am 16. Only 2 years now. I cannot wait to leave. People tell me not to look forward to leaving. I don’t understand why. My father tells me he will not pay for college. I did not expect him to. In his next breath he tells me he’ll be paying for my other sisters. They try, he says. I am no longer bitter towards my sisters for the favoritism. I know it’s not their fault. My father, ever the middle child, sees something in them that needs to be protected from me. I think this revelation hurts more than it should. When I go to bed that night, Iswear to not forgive him. I swear I’ll hold this hate in my heart. I forgive him anyways.

I am 16. I learn things I hadn't known before. I learn of my fathers forgiveness to his father. I learn horrible, awful things about the way he was raised. And I can see that he is trying his best, and he is becoming better. I see my dad’s actions and see that he is trying to make himself feel better. I realize that all my life he has been destroying what he was built into. I see a strength in him that I hadn't before. And when he screams and yells and demeans and belittles, I know this is a method of survival he learned. I forgive him.

I am 17. I realize things are not my fault. My sister's mental health does not lay on my shoulders. The family finances do not concern me. I do not need to listen to my mother grope about my father. I do not need to hear my father rant about my mother. I research coping mechanisms and I am happier than I’ve been in a long time. The fault does not lie with me, I was so young and so fragile and I learned to survive. It does not lie with my siblings, who are innocent bystanders. The fault lies with my mother and father, to broken halves of a fractured whole. I can see them, my father more than my mother, trying. I know that he is doing his best. I know he wants to change, to be better for us. But it is not enough. He may not hurt my siblings as he has hurt me, but they will carry his anger with them forever, just as I do. Regardless, I forgive him.

I am 17. I have less than a year left. I make amends with the sister I hated. I am rebuilding bridges with the siblings I hurt. But every action has its equal and opposite reaction. I stop trying to protect them. I watch in silent anger as my father yells at my sister for interrupting his video game. He tells her she is doing it on purpose, because she wants attention. She is 11. She does not understand. I say nothing, just leave the room. I watch with barely contained rage as he tells my brother to stop crying. He is 5. He is allowed to have emotions. I do not intervene. I feel ashamed. Later, while he's at work, I sit my brother down and tell him it is okay to be upset. He cries into my shoulder. I pray my siblings will learn, just as I did, that they are not the problem. I worry what will become of them. I know I work different than they do. I know I process information in ways they do not. I know they will not notice what I have noticed, I know they will not understand the whats and hows and whys. I know they will never see things the way that I see them. I am 17. I am self-aware. I am angry and spiteful and cruel. I am what my father made me. I forgive him

I am 18. I live thousands of miles away from my family. In some ways I am free, but he and I both know I will always struggle with burdens he has given me. He is sorry, I know that. I guess the push he needed to finally be apologetic was for me to no longer be around. He has told me he is sorry. He has told me he knows he hurt me. Perhaps a better title for this would be My Father's Anger. It curls around my heart, fogs my brain. Taints every interaction, sets fire to the words I say. No matter how hard I try, I will always be my fathers daughter. And yet, as heavy and as dark and as cruel as the revelation is, as he cries to me on the phone, I forgive him.

[austincharcoal]

OCTOBER 2023 MEDITATION LOG

this was inspired by an assignment in my english 101 class. it prompted us to watch/read some mainstream articles/vids about meditation and try meditating for 3 days in a row, then write about it.

Fri, Sep 29    1:05am           Watched the Light Watkins TedX video. Interest was piqued when he said that meditation brings a deeper rest than is possible in sleep. Then he went on and on about the difference in biological age when you meditate. Excited to try more rigorous meditation schedule. Meditated 1:35-1:45am, was really nice. Came close to falling asleep a couple times, I am very tired. Felt grateful to be living in the city hearing rain sounds on the street.

Sat, Sep 30   9:01pm           Took a break from anatomy notes & electronic music to meditate 10 mins. Had a hard time keeping my mind off [redacted]. The things that were difficult then would be easier now that I’ve matured and relaxed a bit. But [redacted].

Sun, Oct 1     10:38am        Tried to do 10 min meditation during AA meeting but had to poop after like 4 mins. Did 10 full mins after meeting ended. It’s easier in the mornings, but I can feel I have lost the groove to a large degree. Still, morning meditation is simpler. By the evening my brain is usually in full pleasure-seeking mode. Mornings I’m usually reeling a bit from soreness and stiffness.

Mon, Oct 2    8:45pm           Did 10 mins sitting up. It’s wild how my body is aware that it’s tired but my mind ignores it, until I try to meditate sitting up and have to fight off sleep over and over. Maybe I should turn in early tonight. When I was awake, I was releasing thoughts about food and women, as usual. Laughed a bit to myself remembering how excited [redacted] was to find the “hidden veggies” pasta recipe on TikTok.

Tue, Oct 3     1:19pm           Late start today. Brewed coffee then laid down to meditate before drinking it. Lot of sexy thoughts bouncing around! Hard to bring my racing mind down today. Probably because I didn’t sleep well. This is somehow becoming both a mediation and a sleep log.

Wed, Oct 4    9:40am           10 min meditation during morning meeting.

Thu, Oct 5     12:28pm        Had been sinking into phone-greyout, scrolling haze, absolute oblivion, and needed a break. 10 min meditation was the only thing that could work. Counted breaths for most of the 10 mins, after english prof. explained during class that counting breaths is the important part of '20 breaths' meditation. It def helped during 10 min meditation. Leg pain was distracting so toward the end started stretching a bit. Feel refreshed and ready to sit down for some studying before work.

Fri, Oct 6        11:52am         Watched the Andy Puddicombe Ted Talk. I liked his analogy about knowing you have a loose tooth and continuing to mess with it even though you’re in pain. Meditated for 10 mins. Feel less overwhelmed about how many things I need to do this afternoon. I’m calmer and more apt to work through them in an organized manner without resorting to distractions. Thought about what to say to [redacted], thought about doing dishes and stretching and listening to new Drake album and taking anatomy notes and making a doctor’s appointment. Tried to recenter and focus on breaths a few times.

Sat, Oct 7      10:30am        Meditated during morning meeting.

Sun, Oct 8     9:51am           Meditated during morning meeting. Thought about my plans for the day (going to NYC to have dinner with my aunt), thought about my mom and my grandma, thought about the family counselor Dr. Prakash who taught me to meditate in 4th grade. Used breath counting to help 'let go' of thoughts and return to quiet mind.

Mon, Oct 9    9:50am           Meditated during morning meeting but was kinda drifting in and out of sleep.

                        8:45pm           Went to [redacted]. It got kinda intense but [redacted]. Decided to decompress by meditating together for 10 minutes. It was beautiful and memorable.

Tue, Oct 10   2:10pm           Read ½ of NYT meditation article then set 10 min timer to meditate. Lots of thoughts running through my head, I can be so obsessive about personal stuff. Was good to have a break from that, even though I didn’t really want the break, I wanted to keep obsessing. Post-break though, I feel better. Body is really sore since I’ve gotten 17k steps, two days in a row. So before the 10 mins were up I got out of my chair and started doing some stretches with eyes closed. Love combining stretches and closed eye meditation. Definitely feel better now, and my 'mindfulness muscle' is getting a tiny bit stronger each day. I find it easier to return to the centered calmness of counting breaths.

Wed, Oct 11                          Didn’t meditate

Thu, Oct 12   10:47am        Meditated 10 mins after morning meeting. Really out of the groove today but tried to just count 100 breaths. Thought about chopping wood for work, about sex, about being messy in romantic relationships, about stretching after meditation, about the kid in my math class who seems to be following along better than anyone else.

Fri, Oct 13                             Didn’t meditate

Sat, Oct 14    9:45am           Meditated during morning meeting.

Sun, Oct 15   2:01pm           Took a break from studying anatomy to meditate. Was sort of fighting off sleep part of the time. Said simple prayers to ask for God’s will to be done, and to discover what that will is. Prayed also for a loving and generous spirit in my heart.

Mon, Oct 16  11:00pm         Meditated 10 mins after looking at Twitter/Reddit for ~3 hours. I think I need to try 15 or 20 minute meditations because sometimes I find myself totally distracted and overstimulated for more than half of a 10 minute meditation. That was the case this time. At some points I opened my eyes and just stared at the wall to keep from thinking about downtown Montreal, or applying to a Master’s program in 5 years, or how I had a bad attitude at work the other day.

Tue, Oct 17   12:14pm        Been feeling emotionally unhinged lately, lowkey lashing out at people. Trying to redirect. Meditation is a good starting place. Meditated 10 minutes and had to stop myself over and over from planning out my day. How much time will I spend in the restaurant working on prep? How much time on schoolwork? Will I have time to pick up a cleaning project? Could I meditate for 10 minutes on the clock? Who will I see there and what will the vibe be when I talk to them? Used breath counting to reel in some of the thoughts. Asked God for help. I have a long way to go toward being centered, organized, disciplined. Please, God, help me make some progress today.

Wed, Oct 18                          Didn’t meditate

Thu, Oct 19   10:30am        Meditated in morning meeting. Feel at peace with my life, with who I am and where I’m at, with my propensity for anxiety, for mistakes, for seeing things through a distorted lens. I’m gonna keep learning and I’m gonna be okay.

Fri, Oct 20     10:30am        Meditated in morning meeting. Had trouble staying quiet mentally. In the meeting we talked about the 'confusion' that exists without a spiritual connection. Thought about how meditation and confusion are like exact opposites. Lot of confusion and noise for me lately. Meditation must be one of the main solutions. Not just meditation but a meditation practice. Prayer as well, I need more of that. Talked about meditation with my sponsor later. He recommended I try the 'toes-to-head' meditation.

Sat, Oct 21    9:00am           Made coffee then meditated for 10 mins before meeting.

                        9:45am           Meditated for 10 mins in morning meeting. It felt good to get more time in. Would like to do one longer session but 10x2 was easy and felt very calming.

Sun, Oct 22   9:30am           Set a timer and laid on yoga mat to meditate for 10 minutes. Said a prayer for my mom and grandma, who are going through a difficult time. Had to keep returning to baseline as I kept fantasizing about sex with [redacted], who I’ve been texting. Sex is a constant refrain for my tired brain, I think I’m subconsciously convinced that there’s some simple relief there. But intellectually I know it’s never that simple, relationships are complicated and usually come with more stress than being single. Important to talk myself down from these underlying desires.

Mon, Oct 23                          Didn’t meditate. Busy day, but I think I need to start finding more time. It’s possible to replace some of my phone-scrolling time with meditation every day, sometimes I just don’t do it. This log is helping me stay accountable and showing me what I need to change to meditate more.

Tue, Oct 24   12:45pm        Meditated 10 mins laying on yoga mat. Was really able to start calm with deep breaths, maybe because I was laying down. Often I start with a hectic mind and try to calm it for the first 5 mins.

Wed, Oct 25  10:30am        Didn’t meditate? Can’t remember

Thu, Oct 26   11:45am         Meditated 10 mins. Sick with a cold, hopefully not worse. Did not want to meditate but do feel a bit better

Fri, Oct 27     9:48pm           Meditated 8 mins. Got antsy during the last two. Feeling very baby because the cold is actually a flu or something. Lots of schoolwork to do before tomorrow night. Trying to stay calm and not get overwhelmed.

Sat, Oct 28    8:15pm           Meditated 10 mins which led to me napping for another 30. Very ill but still going to work and studying. Sad!

Sun, Oct 29                           Did not meditate. Walked for 2 hours listening to an old interview with Brad Phillips, he talked a lot about 12 step program, psychedelic drug experiences, Zen vs. Tibetan Buddhism. Helpful for pondering meditation and how to consider it in my life.

Mon, Oct 30  10:45am        Meditated 10 mins after morning meeting. Health is improving slightly. Trying to spend the day doing work, chores, service to others, or meditative things like prayer, listening to spiritual talks, walking. Trying to leave alone the chaotic, noisy things that are really perpetuating my discomfort and dissatisfaction.

Tue, Oct 31   2:03pm           Meditated 10 mins after writing for English class, before going for a walk and calling my sponsor. Turns out I had covid. At least it's almost over. Same with October. What's next.

[thecatbehindyou]

A childhood I wish you had (5)

5/9/2015

We went to the movies today and grandpa fell asleep! He was snoring so loud that I can’t remember what the movie was about because the security drove us out! Like in TV shows! And to make up for it, he took us out for ice cream! I had the weird fruit flavour because I am in primary school so I’m basically a grown up, and grown ups don’t eat chocolate ice cream with five spoons of sugar and sprinkles. “Yes they do, I had an entire tub yester- forget I said that.” You had ice cream without me? I’m taking your ice cream next time!

*****

Ha, Grandpa must have been really tired, he spent the entire morning playing tag with you, and he’s almost 80, you have no idea how many times grandma had to warn him to not hurt himself playing with you. About the ice cream, well, I can safely say that most people love chocolate ice cream with scoops of sprinkles, though I thought I was the only one who would put sugar on ice cream, it’s unhealthy but it’s a very good late night power up for pulling all nighters studying.

[authors note: the kid is not based on any person, purely a fantasy character of what a child would be like, carefree and filled with joy]

[iwouldbeembarrassedifiwereyou]

A Poem For You 9/21/23

I’m making up a girl

Okay I’ve got her

She’s just like my mom but different in every discernible way

She smokes cigs to curb her alcoholism and

Vapes because she’s in art school.

She works out at the same gym as me

And we both go to church.

She has tattoos and 3 suicide attempts. If my mom tried she’d definitely succeed because shes good at everything. She is working on her masters. She’s EBT Everything but thesis not food stamps. We watch 90 day fiance and suck our thumbs.

The absolute ease with which I fell asleep last night telling myself for the first time in a year that I love myself.

I watched an instagram reel 4 times in a row because I thought I heard your voice congratulating a man in a U Pitt climbing shirt. You don’t follow him though but you’ve swayed my algorithm and now my phone thinks I have a dispensation for climbing or men or you.

I remember watching tractors race to pull each other over the finish line, silent, intent, with you after your girlfriend left. She left you bro. You had to sever a lease you barely begun while you move back home to your drunk dad. I’m not angry or trying to be mean, those are the facts.

You fantasize about my dick while my exes mouth is around yours. You know I’m something more than you. More man, no, look at your forearms. More man, yes, look at my bank account. Look at me, I am enviable.

I’ve got a gun. My families gun. Its existence was kept from me until I was 11. Its not that I became man enough at 11 to learn of the gun, my grandma was drunk enough to not remember the assumed conversations behind closed doors, whispering “he’s not man enough”.

I’m really not trying to do anything at all. Not trying to be poetic. Not trying to get a laugh. I am just texting.

[angeldarkrose]

Special?

I don’t think I’ve felt special since I was 13. Maybe even 9. At 13 everyone in the family turned against me. I was called a failure, I should be more like my brother and sister. At 14 everyone got worse against me. Three people showed up to the birthday I planned. But my brother and sister got skating and laser tag parties. I got to sit on the couch and watch my family laugh with the three guests. But I met this person and thought he’d be different. At 15 my best friend talked shit behind my back but I still took her to Disney for my birthday. My mom told me that my step-dad will always come before me. I found comfort in the violence of the guy and felt somewhat special. Maybe instead of being on his way to beat me up he’d love me? Also wrong. In 2020 my brother at the time 18  was given over five hundred dollars, a two hundred dollar waterslide and the entire family took off work on his birthday. Same for my at the time 13 year old sister. She got three hundred and everyone also took off. Everyone. And let me mention that my mom and grandma planned both the birthdays. But they refused to make me a themed birthday or I should say one at all. So, I did thinking everyone would change against me. I made the theme and invited everyone, even bought all the decor. Only 4 people came because of the excuse they had to work. My mom was over an hour late because she didn’t want to drive to me. My still horrible best friend at the time was 3 hours late. Nobody even payed attention to the birthday. They all went outside and sat together and got mad at me for falling asleep at the table because they couldn’t get to the cake. Oh, and let me mention the party was a month late. My actual birthday I sat in bed crying. On my 17th (2021) birthday I layed on the floor sobbing with no calls. While my brother and sister got taken out to dinner. On my birthday. That next day was thanksgiving and surprise everyone showed up to the same house my party was at but nobody went to. That’s another thing, my family has always told me that thanksgiving will always be more important than my birthday. It was always a plan to be an excuse so I can’t have a birthday.  My grandma pulled me aside and made me tell my family I was suicidal because at the time I was dependent on anti-depressants to stay alive after being caught attempting. She told me if I didn’t attempt again she’d give me $500. And that I’m a terrible person for not asking her how she’s doing when I had just arrived. In 2022, my siblings got taken out again and even my sister in law was taken out. But not me. And my grandma ignored me for 6 months then blamed it on me. She begged my the week before my birthday to send amazon links for gifts. I told her I didn’t want anything but she wanted to buy stuff since I was 18. My mom told me she was buying tickets to a dinner with gun noises when she knows about what that guy did to me.

[bunnyandthejets]

15 Questions!

I was tagged by my beloved @not-nervous-jester 💜 thanks!

1. Are you named after anyone?

I think my middle name is from a distant great grandma or something and I absolutely despise it

2. When was the last time you cried?

Yesterday at the doctors I got super overwhelmed and couldn’t stop for some reason so that was really cool and sexy of me 🙃

3. Do you have kids?

barf no

4. Do you use sarcasm?

not to sound like a bumper sticker but I like to think I’m pretty fluent

5. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

If their vibes are good or bad usually. Body language is also pretty important I think.

6. What’s your eye colour?

Grey-blue sorry I’m boring D:

7. Scary movies or happy endings?

Both! I enjoy scary movies but not the type that’s just torture porn. Gotta have a little more than that for me. Do appreciate the art in a good gore scene though. and the world could always use more happy endings, because to quote the prince from The Last Unicorn “In real life there are no happy endings, because nothing ends.”

8. Any special talents?

I can flatten my hands on the floor without bending my knees, and I can fall asleep pretty much fucking anywhere (except cars or planes, bc that would make things too easy)

9. Where were you born?

A hospital :^)

10. What are your hobbies?

Digital art, watching movies, video games, collecting dolls. I don’t go outside.

11. Do you have any pets?

I have 2 half Siamese cats that are brother and sister. they’re very cleverly named. Artemis is brown and tan chunk of a little man, whose only thoughts besides elevator music are about snugs and food. Luna is white and grey and her hobbies include sitting in the highest places she can get (or on me), hitting her brother, and screaming. I have pics of both of them on my birdapp if you wanna see them my handle is bottled_angel

12. What sports do you play/have played?

I did gymnastics when I was a wee bun, but after that nothing. I don’t have an athletic bone in my body.

13. How tall are you?

5’2”- Doctors told me for years I was 5’3” and a quarter (that’s what it says on my driver’s license) but apparently they were just humoring me or something idk

14. Favourite subject in school?

None! Fuck school. (Okay when I was in 11th grade I took Astronomy for a semester and that was pretty cool)

15. Dream job?

I want to go to school and get my degree in mortuary science so I can become a licensed mortician. I’m not sure when that will happen though, unfortunately, I’m not ready to do it yet.

Tagging anybody who wants to do it because I’m lazy ✌️ love u