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We’ve made up and we’re talking like normal now so that helps. And she listened when I described how I felt and didn’t argue back. So progress.

The argument with my mom didn’t help the cravings I’ve been having for weed and non-autoimmune protocol diet food. I’m going to try really hard to resist because I’m trying not to rely on food and weed to cope anymore but it is hard.

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The argument with my mom didn’t help the cravings I’ve been having for weed and non-autoimmune protocol diet food. I’m going to try really hard to resist because I’m trying not to rely on food and weed to cope anymore but it is hard.

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Welp, just had an argument with my mom. A couple of weeks ago I got randomly added to a group chat where I only had one person’s number (one of my cousins) and the people seemed to be talking about going on a cruise but I was like, “Is somebody going to explain to me what’s going on or who these other numbers are?” And no one did and the chat died out that day.

So when my mom called me this morning I brought it up and said I thought it was weird. And then my mom got all defensive saying one of my cousins called her about getting us together for a cruise. And that she should have called me and told me but she forgot. And I’m like, “Why couldn’t they contact me directly?” Because I haven’t see or talked to them for years now. And she just keeps blaming herself. But we’re all in our late thirties and forties. I think they should be able to contact someone directly and invite them. Not go through their mother. But my mom keeps bringing it back to being her fault that she didn’t contact me.

So I see that she’s not getting where I’m coming from and I’m getting frustrated about not being understood so I just say, “Next time something like this happens can you please tell the person to contact me directly?” Which she refuses to just agree to for some reason and starts going on and on about how I should get to know her side of the family more and how they’ve gone on trips before and she felt bad they didn’t include me and now they are so isn’t that something? And not everyone is as prim and proper as me. And they weren’t trying to be ghetto or bitches (I never said any of that).

So again I say, “If this happens again can you please have them contact me directly.” And she says I’m making it a bigger deal than it is and I shouldn’t even be upset. And I say I’m upset about this conversation because you’re not validating my emotions and you’re my mother.” And start crying. And then she gets upset that I’m crying like she did when I was a very emotional child and I had to get off the phone because triggered.

Now that I’m writing this out another reason I might be upset is it feels like my mom likes my cousins better than me. Or thinks they’re more fun because they have similar interests. I’ve always felt left out of their dynamic. And also my family has these ideas about me that aren’t true like I’m whitewashed and not really black. And living with my biracial aunt and white grandma probably isn’t helping that perception.

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Ooh, the spiritual bros are fighting on YouTube. Two channels took down all their interviews with this one guy and now he’s saying the spiritual community is corrupt (which yeah, they all are). I shouldn’t be so entertained by tea, but I really am. Guess I haven’t evolved enough or whatever😂

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I think during our phone call tonight I’m gonna ask my dad to come up with some topics besides stocks and politics to talk about during Thanksgiving. He always wants to have a roundtable about current events and no one at the table knows what they’re talking about (including me) and it’s a stressful mess. Let’s keep it light! What are some things about the world you enjoy?

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I spilled/dropped another thing in a store.🤦🏾‍♀️ I was checking out of Whole Foods, all happy because they had cut pineapple for 50% off. I was there to buy my grandma some pears so this was an extra treat for me. I paid for her pears with my aunt’s card. Then as I was trying to switch over to pay for the pineapple, I guess I had too many things going on. I think my glasses started falling off my face so I tried to grab them and in the process the pineapple went fully airborne and smashed onto the ground. It was like Hallmark-movie worthy. The nice employees cleaned it up and got me another one. But I forgot to validate my parking because I was embarrassed and wanted to get out of there so I ended up paying three dollars for parking which negated the discount on the pineapple anyway. Oh well.

Edit: found a gif that shows the trajectory of the pineapple.

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Whoo hoo! I had bought a lightweight cordless vacuum some months ago that my aunt basically took over and then it stopped working. And of course she just never said anything. I didn’t have the energy at the time to deal with it so it just sat there, mocking me. But today I have some time and I want to be able to use it so I looked up what to do (clean all the hair out of the bottom) and also how to charge it correctly and now it works! And all the hair was my aunt’s so she’s not allowed to use it anymore!

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I saw a few minutes of The Talk today and they were talking about how Jay Leno fell down a 60 ft hill and instead of going directly to the hospital he went to do a comedy show instead. The audience applauded like that isn’t the stupidest thing they’ve ever heard. Go to the hospital, dummy. Your comedy is definitely not worth your life from what I’ve heard.

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The more I want to be left alone the more my aunt tries to talk to me. Or placate me? Suck up to me? Whatever it is, it’s annoying. Please let me sleep better tonight so I have more energy to deal with her.

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"what's your dream job??" Uhh to have 17 weird little hobbies that I don't have to be good at and hang out with friends. I get money via being the world's specialist little princess

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My favorite General Hospital character’s funeral was today. You know you’re a bad bitch when you’ve slept with the husbands of three women who spoke at your funeral. And two of the husbands were there.

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It’s been over 2 weeks since I’ve smoked weed and my sleep quality is terrible now, apparently. That’s according to my Garmin and how I feel unrefreshed in the mornings these days. It’s making me question my need to abstain. I don’t want to smoke but I want some good, deep sleep again. I’m tired. And when I’m tired I want to be alone and I don’t talk as much to my aunt because that shit is draining. Then she starts acting weird and asking me if I’m mad at her and that drains me even more. Not everything is about you, lady! I have a whole Thanksgiving meal to plan, shop and cook for. I’m also trying to slowly clean this house and my grandma’s kitchen downstairs. Which you do not help with. Because when I ask you to you turn around and ask me how to use a mop. Like you haven’t been on this earth for 64 years. I’m grumpy and over it and you and this place that never changes.

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I’ve lived here for 5 years. I’ve asked my aunt to get herself a space heater for her office since whenever she feels cold she wants to heat the whole house and I don’t do well with heat. I have one that she bought. My grandma has one that my aunt bought. She can buy herself one. But she doesn’t. Just one of the ways I know she doesn’t listen or care about my chronic illnesses unless it affects my ability to do things for her.

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I just listened to Chappell Roan, King Princess and Tegan and Sara all in a row because that’s what kind of mood I’m in and realized I need to make a playlist called I Can’t Believe I Didn’t Know I’m Queer.

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I just went back to my garden and looked up and a squirrel was sitting on the wall staring at me. I was like, “Sorry, dude. Didn’t know you were back here.” And laughed a little. I expected the squirrel to run away but he started coming towards me along the wall and then stops in front of me and stares again. That’s when I started worrying it was about to attack me and got out of there. It didn’t follow me. Wonder what that was about.