#i was a sophomore when i wrote this why was i so much more talented at 15? | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

miaisocool · 1 year ago

Text

Lonely star

Pairing: Rockstar!ellie x Reader

warnings: 2 year age gap reader is 19 ellie is 21 cursing, explicit language,Modern AU mentions of alcohol and cigarettes i guess? not much warnings yet :) not proof read btw! underage drinking

a note: i was brainstorming this while playing guitar.. please like and reblog anything is highly appreciated i will give you a big fat smooch ;)

summary: Ellie williams was a rockstar sensation, she was on her rise to fame when she was finally doing a North America tour you immediately bought tickets for their tour....

You and your friend kiara who you knew ever since you were a freshman in highschool were standing outside the venue, eagerly awaiting the moment the doors would open so you could see Ellie Williams perform live. The anticipation was almost too much to bear, as the two of you had been dreaming about this day for what felt like forever.

You and kiara would ramble on about how much you guys enjoyed ellies music and the way her band performed on those live concerts on youtube kiara was your best friend ever since you bumped into her in your freshman year of highschool she was the first to see tears run from your eyes, the first person to ever see tears run from your dirt colored eyes as you went through your first break up with your first ever girlfriend you were so used to dating guys all through out middle school and high school until you started to figure out your sexuality and turned out to only feel sexually and romantically attracted to girls you didn't really enjoy having a label for your attraction as you felt it was useless but you decided it was easier if you do kiara was the first to ever know about it too that night in her dorm when you ran crying into her arms shaking with fear in your veins and muttering the words "i dont know" over and over as you cried.

She knew you well enough to know when something was deeply wrong, even more so on that night. She tried to comfort you, asking about what was wrong, but you were too distraught to even speak your tears that flowed to your cheeks ruining your mascara, staining her white shirt that she had usually wore as pajamas was leaving her to just hold you as you cried quietly.

She had never seen you so upset and vulnerable, and it made her concerned for you and your wellbeing but she knew it was better to wait and then talk. The first to see that vulnerable side of you, the first person you would come to whenever something went wrong and it truly showed how deeply your connection strengthened over the years you were now a 19 year old sophomore in college that had been with kiara every step of the way, kiara was your platonic soulmate and that's why you chose her to attend this concert with you, you were both in awe of how talented ellie was as you guys did research on her as if she was a lab rat, watching her rise to fame you guys bonded over the aura that the band gave as they would usually perform covers of songs or either perform songs they wrote themselves.

In the weeks leading up to the concert, you and Kiara couldn't stop talking about Ellie Williams it was like that everyday for a few months ever since you bought the tickets. You both knew every song on every album and even had nicknames for all the band members.

You spent countless hours listening to her music and learning about her history, from her early days in a small band to her debut as a solo artist. You couldn't wait to see her live, to experience her music in person, to feel the energy of the crowd as you sang along. You eyed out the line from what seemed like people ranging from high school teenagers to people in their 20s with some of their parents you couldn't help but smile at the thought of all the different age groups sharing love for ellies music and her band.

You and kiara you felt the breeze of the california air the people chattering and muttering in excited tones made your impatience die down for a bit as you swung your arms in boredom its only been 2 hours ever since you arrived in line kiara told you not to come so early but you wanted the closest view of ellie possible you didn't know the reasoning but you knew the closer the view the better but kiara mocked you for this as she said you just wanted to see ellie up close and personal although it was a half truth you didn't only admire the lead singer/guitarist for her looks you admired her for her creativity voice and the way her mind ranged so far when writing songs or performing its almost as if you were having parasocial relationship thoughts about her but you knew that wasn't it.

You just deeply admired ellie because you looked up to her she was doing all the things you've ever wanted to as a adult. mostly ranging from what looked like high school teenagers to people in their 20s with some of their parents you couldn't help but smile at the thought of all the different age groups sharing love for ellies music and her band shaking in anticipation as your body sent adrenaline running through your veins and you weren't even in the venue yet.

You felt your heart almost beating out of your chest as you catched your breath to talk to kiara you checked ellies instagram story over and over for any updates that would give you a clue on when the venue would finally open or when the performance would start but it was nothing she hadn't posted anything which you were so you finally untangle that knot in your throat to speak to kiara.

"why the fuck did we get here so early?" you mumbled under your breath to kiara

"we wouldn't be here so early if we went to that diner around the corner before getting here" kiara muttered leaning back against you as she looked off into the distance watching the line not move at all and people wait in anticipation

"it would be way better if we went to a diner or a bar after" you muttered a small groan leaving your lips as you grazed your fingers against your shirt tracing circles over your stomach

"cmonnn.. you're just hangry! plus you wanna see ellie real bad dont you?" kiara said playfully while laughing at your impatience

"shut up.." you deeply exhale as the tension that was once in your face goes away

At long last the doors swung open your heart beat sped up as you heard the sound of the doors slamming against the concrete wall of the venue echoing throughout the stage and outside of the venue, the excited murmurings, whispers, and exclamations rising to the noise level of a storm.

You felt like you were in the eye of the storm, or the wave in the ocean as everyone surged forth in a single mass. As your pace increased, trying to make it to the front of the line, you were met with a few more aggressive nudges and shoves than you expected. Your grip on Kiara's hand tightened, as if instinctually drawing comfort from her presence.

You moved forward through the chaos of the crowd, as you and kiara were both eager to enter the venue to see the legendary infamous Ellie williams but also tired of trying to push forward. You nearly lost your balance more than once in the chaos as you almost slipped running through the crowd, but eventually your feet found a solid stance and your eyes found the entrance of the venue as you finally take a break from all the chaos happening not too long ago you see the concrete floor and hard surface of the wall.

Many people making their way through calmly as security warned them not to run, the use of the spotlights for the concert beaming over their heads pointing out how dilated their pupils were from the rush of adrenaline as you and kiara made way you saw the front railing come into the sight of your eyes as your heart thumped with excitement knowing you finally had a chance to see Ellie Williams the rockstar you dreamt of seeing for months all the delusions of seeing her had finally became true.

The stage was bathed in a dim warm red light complimenting the bands red themed equipment from the red keyboard, drums, bass guitar and the other guitar that was still on a stand which you assumed had to be ellies. A hush fell over the crowd. The bassist, drummer, and keyboardist had completed their setup and were now ready to begin.

The spotlight focused on the stage, highlighting each of the band members in the dim light bringing out all their features the drummer adjusting his ear piece as he waited for ellie the rest of the band checked their instruments, tweaked some buttons, plugged in cables, and tested each microphone to make sure everything was working correctly.

In turn as they nodded to each other and prepared themselves. Slowly the chatter grew still the red lights still dimming around the venue around the crowd and each member of the band except ellie.

Each person in the room waiting with bated breath tension slowly making the walls close in as everyone waited for ellie. You looked at kiara with a confused look as if she knew when the show would start, you almost strain your neck trying to see the stage better and see any clue or signal of ellie as you were only there for her well so was everybody she was the heart throb of the band.

People began to talk to the people they came with at the concert as if it was the only sense of entertainment, exchanging glances, asking if the show would be starting soon.

Some people sighed in disappointment and began to move away from the stage, their patience running out. Some members of the crowd grumbled to their friends, voicing their displeasure at the delay. The anticipation and the excitement were quickly fading now, with a more negative mood settling in.

The drummer started hitting his closed hi hat in sixteenth notes then the crowd started to erupt in excitement and push against each other to start a mosh pit the bass guitar starts to ring with a what you assumed to be a rock pedal muffling through the speakers amp.

Finally ellie ran to the front of the stage she stood at the edge of the stage, the light shining down on her, and wrapped her guitar strap around her. she takes a moment to bask in the aura of the crowd and her lips curve into a smile with a powerful strum of the guitar, she launched into a song, the sound ringing through the air, people cheering the sounds of the people roaring off of the walls of the venue, the red lights flashing as each instrument starts to sync up

"… The mirror's image, it tells me it's home time"

The last two songs

As the adrenaline that was coursing through out your veins dies down the songs that were playing not too long ago, you finally come to your senses, the venue buzzing with energy the excited chattering and cheering filling the hollow noise noticing the lights from the stage cast a soft glow over the venue fog slowly fading into the air through out the venue that was medium sized at least enough to hold five hundred people, illuminating the faces of the audience, speakers slowly making a faint signal noise as the band stops playing with their instruments The faint scent of sweat, mingling with the warm bodies of the crowd. The energy in the room was palpable, as fans of Ellie Williams cheered and screamed at the sight of her on stage. The hum of the amps and the sound of the bass guitar echoed through the speakers, permeating everything. As ellie began to talk again

"This is our last song of the night..."

she muttered breathlessly as she adjusted the guitar strap around her shoulder fitting it to

"i just wanted to thank everyone for coming and buying tickets or taking the time to listen to our music." She speaks into the mic as she wiped the sweat off of her forehead with a towel before throwing it into the crowd, and the audience erupted into a mosh-pit as they pushed and lunged at each other trying to grab the towel. The sweaty fabric fluttered down as fans jumped up and down, pushing and shoving each other in a bid to grab the towel.

One tall guy in the crowd managed to grab the towel, raising it in the air before spinning around with a victory scream, his hands waving the towel above his head like a trophy as he shoved people to avoid them to get the towel as ellie sees this her concerned look turns into her lips curving into a smile and then chuckling into the microphone as the white spotlight hits her blurring everyone else in the band . She adjusted her grip on her guitar, holding it like an extension of her own body, as she began to strum the chords that would support her powerful voice.

"When the zeros line up on the 24 hour clock"

The chord of the guitar complimented her vocals in the perfect harmony as you watched in awe and jealousy of how talented she was her live vocals lifted you up as if it felt like you were floating which put you in a trance forgetting the crowd of people that surrounded you transporting you to a world of ellies talent and beauty as you take in all of her features you were so mesmerized by her dirt colored hair, eyes greener than the grass in los angeles, slightly upturned nose and her hair sticking to her forehead as she was a bit sweaty from the jumping and adrenaline filled night you were in awe.

"When you know who's callin' even though the number is blocked"

With each note she sang, you could feel her passion and emotion pour out of her as her feedback from her microphone bounced off of the walls of the venue the crowd jumped with ecstasy and yelled cheering her on every chord she strummed or every time she would play a guitar solo which whenever she did it sounded like the guitar was crying showing truly how talented she was you felt her vocals powerfully blast to your ears almost as if you were right there in her shoes, experiencing the same emotions.

Her eyes were bright and sparkling as the spotlight complimented her dilated pupils, her smile full of joy as she sang within the instruments notes as she strummed the chords. Her voice echoed through the stadium, filling the air with a sense of longing and hope, as if she was talking directly to you. It was an unforgettable moment, you and kiara couldn't believe but tonight your eyes were only focused on ellie no one else just her.

After the concert, you and your friend Kiara make your way out of the venue your hair was messy from the jumping and mosh pitting as you still had a high from the adrenaline rush from ellie's performance. You can hear the buzz of energy and excitement from the venue as people made their way to the exit As you and kiara make your way down the street walking to god knows where you take in kiaras features noticing her hair is a mess, her dress sleeve sliding down to the point where you can see her bare shoulder and the faded mascara on her face.

Despite her fucked up appearance, she looks absolutely radiant as always. You can't help but let out a small chuckle under your breath as you see how emotional she is over the experience. "You're a mess," you say, grinning.

kiara breathlessly takes a breath, looking up at you with a twinkle in her eyes. "I know.." she says, brushing a strand of hair away from her face. "But it was so worth it seeing ellie and just hearing her live is like a dream come true." she says as you guys walk down the street

You nod in agreement brushing your messy curly hair out the way fixing your half messed up dress sleeves a bit rearranging yourself, still processing the experience yourself. "I know, right?" you say. "I can't believe how talented she is. And her live vocals… they just.. i don't know she just serenades me.."

"Not gonna lie i kind of saw her peeping you"

"please don't feed into my delusions especially not now.."

kiara nudges you as you both walked down the street the street lights beaming onto you both casting a glow that complimented the aura you and kiara held whenever you both were together

She knew you well enough to know when something was deeply wrong, even more so on that night. She tried to comfort you, asking about what was wrong, but you were too distraught to even speak your tears that flowed to your cheeks ruining your mascara staining her white shirt that she had usually wore as pajamas was leaving her to just hold you as you cried quietly.

She had never seen you so upset and vulnerable, and it made her concerned for you and your wellbeing but she knew it was better to wait and then talk. The first to see that vulnerable side of you, the first person you would come to whenever something went wrong and it truly showed how deeply your connection strengthened over the years you were now a 19 year old sophomore in college that had been with kiara every step of the way kiara was your platonic soulmate and thats why you chose her to attend this concert with you, you were both in awe of how talented ellie was as you guys did research on her as if she was a lab rat, watching her rise to fame you guys bonded over the aura that the band gave as they would usually perform covers of songs or either perform songs they wrote themselves.

"why the fuck did we get here so early?" you mumbled under your breath to kiara

"it would be way better if we went to a diner or a bar after" you muttered a small groan leaving your lips as you grazed your fingers against your shirt tracing circles over your stomach

"cmonnn.. you're just hangry! plus you wanna see ellie real bad dont you?" kiara said playfully while laughing at your impatience

"shut up.." you deeply exhale as the tension that was once in your face goes away

In turn as they nodded to each other and prepared themselves. Slowly the chatter grew still the red lights still dimming around the venue around the crowd and each member of the band except ellie.

People began to talk to the people they came with at the concert as if it was the only sense of entertainment, exchanging glances, asking if the show would be starting soon.

"… The mirror's image, it tells me it's home time"

The last two songs

"This is our last song of the night..."

she muttered breathlessly as she adjusted the guitar strap around her shoulder fitting it to her body

"i just wanted to thank everyone for coming and buying tickets or taking the time to listen to our music."

She speaks into the mic as she wiped the sweat off of her forehead with a towel before throwing it into the crowd, and the audience erupted into a moshpit as they pushed and lunged at each other trying to grab the towel. The sweaty fabric fluttered down as fans jumped up and down, pushing and shoving each other in a bid to grab the towel you couldn't help but feel in awe that you were in ellies presence as she looked more beautiful in real life than the music videos you watched.

One tall guy in the crowd managed to grab the towel, raising it in the air before spinning around with a victory scream, his hands waving the towel above his head like a trophy as he shoved people to avoid them to get the towel as ellie sees this. Her concerned look turns into her lips curving into a smile and then chuckling into the microphone as the white spotlight hits her blurring everyone else in the band . She adjusted her grip on her guitar, holding it like an extension of her own body, as she began to strum the chords that would support her powerful voice.

"When the zeros line up on the 24 hour clock"

"When you know who's callin' even though the number is blocked"

It was an unforgettable moment, you and kiara couldn't believe but tonight your eyes were only focused on ellie no one else just her.

As you and kiara make your way down the street walking to god knows where you take in kiaras features noticing her hair is a mess, her dress sleeve sliding down to the point where you can see her bare shoulder and the faded mascara on her face.

kiara breathlessly takes a breath, looking up at you with a twinkle in her eyes. "I know, right?" she says, brushing a strand of hair away from her face. "But it was so worth it seeing ellie and just hearing her live is like a dream come true." she says as you guys walk down the sidewalk

"Not gonna lie i kind of saw her peeping you"

"please dont feed into my delusions especially not now.."

kiara nudges you as you both walked down the street the street lights beaming onto you both casting a glow that complimented the aura you and kiara held whenever you guys were near each other the sounds of laughter and conversation echo in the air, as people rush by on their way to their next destination.

You can hear the hum of cars and the occasional honking as they navigate through the crowded streets, a few police cars blocking certain ways for god knows what, the sounds of shoes clacking against the pavement and people chattering about the experience of the ellie concert or just anything in general, the night air has a distinct smell that is both familiar and exhilarating.

The air is thick with the stench of gasoline and exhaust fumes from the cars, but that is covered by the smells of pizza and hot dogs emanating from the street food vendors that line the sidewalks, a faint odor of stale beer wafting in from nearby bars, a reminder of the fact that this is a city that never sleeps.

"So where do you wanna eat?" kiara looks around, taking in the lights and the sounds of the city the aroma of street vendor food through out the city

"To be honest i wanna drink" you say shrugging looking at all the food vendors with the neon lights including the prices above the food but none of them really catch your eye

"i don't blame you" kiaras eyes sparkle and she laughs at the thought of you being all burnt out from the concert "i know that there's a few bars around here" kiara says grabbing your hand and leading the way

As you and Kiara walk down the street, you both keep an eye out for any potential bars to grab a drink. You pass by a few crowded clubs, but the music seems too loud too many sweaty out of control drunk people and most of them stunk of cigarettes, most of the bars had the bouncers too intimidating to make a good hangout spot. You also notice a couple of cozy restaurants, but they seem more oriented towards couples on a date night rather than a couple of friends wanting to grab a beer or a shot and unwind.

Then, almost as if by fate, your eyes fall on a dimly lit lounge that seems to be begging you to go inside. The neon sign above the door flickers on and off, casting a soft glow on the sidewalk outside bouncing off of your dirt colored eyes almost somewhat ruining your strained vision.

The music drifting out of the lounge is barely audible, but it has a sensual, almost psychedelic quality that draws you in as you felt like the psychedelic vibe usually always drew you in ever since you were young the bar somewhat reeked of weed but in a good way maybe it was the only on the outside and not the inside.

"Well, this place looks interesting." Kiara says with her eyes widened in awe with a smile, peering through the thick glass door. You can't help but agree. It seems like the perfect place to go for a drink or two, away from the crowds and the noise of the city.

Kiara steps ahead of you, a slight grin on her face. She pauses for a moment before reaching out to hold the door open for you, gesturing for you to enter first.

"After you." she says with a slight chuckle. You enter the psychedelic bar the dimly lit lounge opening up before you, you cant help but feel overwhelmed by all the neon lights spread through out the bar. The interior of the bar was a stark contrast of the somewhat trashy street outside the soft but warm blue lighting casting a warm glow over the clean, polished glowy tables that had stickers on them from brands all over the world.

The neon signs also complimenting the warm dim light that had glowed as the neon signs were all over the lounge truly complimenting the feeling of psychedelics the bar was supposed to have the servers and waitresses helping around with the cooks as they scattered around throughout the lounge, The smell of the cocktails, beer, wine and hot food surrounding you as you took a step in you couldn't help but feel a sense of euphoria as the lounge or bar brought you comfort and felt like you were right at home.The DJ over at the booth manned the mixing console, his fingers expertly spinning the records. The music was loud and clear in his headphones, the rhythm moving him to the beat. With one hand adjusting the volume, and the other spinning the records in perfect sync with the music, he bopped his head in time with the music.

As you scan the lounge spot your eyes settle upon a group of people gathered around the bar, laughing and talking loudly among themselves as if there was no one else in the bar you notice a few people giving them side glances due to their carelessness but they weren't paying attention to that it seemed like they were enjoying just being in the moment . In the midst of the chaos, a somewhat tall brunette haired woman stands out, her medium length hair flowing softly down her back as she inhales deeply from a lit cigarette then exhaling out as she sips from her beer bottle, her almond-shaped eyes glinting under the neon lights, her plump lips curve into a slight smile as she chats with friends reminiscing on how she recently had a performance of some sort..

"Holy fuck" kiaras eyes widened in shock as she starts grabbing your forearm and shaking it

"YOU HAVE TO ASK FOR HER AUTOGRAPH COME ON! or a selfie at least.." kiara protested as she recklessly grabbed both of your shoulders shaking them as she gawked into your eyes

"why can't you do it??" i mutter under my breath so ellie or her band members can't hear me as i lean away from kiaras touch

"dude i put you on to her so.." kiara rolled her eyes at you as she crossed her arms you knew she wasn't wrong you've only ever heard of ellies band because kiara sent you one of their music videos and you only fell in love with it because of the way ellie looked and sung the way she strum her guitar in the music videos you had watched you were in love with whatever sensation entered your body when you heard the bands music

As you approach ellie you couldn't help but fiddle with your fingers with nervousness as you walk towards the bar you felt your heart thumping in your chest, your breathing patterns becoming a bit uneven and the smell of ellies cigarettes weren't helping as you attempted to steady your breathing your mind ran with thoughts of what ifs?

what if she doesn't say yeah?

she's not obligated to.

what if she ignores me?

you weren't important to her.

what if...

You take a deep breath and approach the group at the bar. Ellie's bandmates are still laughing loudly with her as they drink beer a few empty bottles on the bar's counter as you inhale the smell of alcohol and cigarettes around them noticing how they were a bit intoxicated, but she seems to have noticed you she didn't seem as intoxicated as her bandmates she seemed pretty sober although she has had two beers which you noticed, of course you noticed. her green eyes sparkling as she gazes at you from across.

"Hey i saw your performance at that venue around the corner i just wanted to say you were really good." You finally feel a weight lifted off of your chest as you spoke to ellie, feeling more confident than you did when you were walking up to her.

Her green eyes gawked at you as her lips curved into a smile. "I appreciate that i mean.. we appreciate that thanks for coming i was pretty nervous before coming on stage" She returned a smile as she looked into your eyes almost feeling a bit of tension in the air but what kind of tension?

"You shouldn't feel nervous at all i mean you're the ellie williams ...lead singer of loathe.. you're truly amazing at what you do."

"That might be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me" spoken ever so earnestly, as if she was hit by a sudden revelation and was taking what you said to mean much more than you thought it did.

The two of you lock eyes for a few moments, you getting lost in her vibrant green eyes and full plump lips as she takes another sip of her beer.

For a moment your senses of taste and smell immediately disappear and vanish into the cigarette smoke filled air, you feel like the two of you are trapped in your own little bubble, where nothing else exists but the two of you, the walls closing in, the tension of possibly a start of a new connection causing you to choke up feeling like you have barbed wires around your throat as you speak up. You felt ill at ease, looked away, and finally muttered the first thing that came to mind

"Nice?" You asked

"Yes, nice." she finally left her burnt out cigarette in the ashtray

"can you sign my dress?" You looked at her with eyes of awe as if you were a child begging for candy from a parent.

She pulls out a marker from the back pocket of her jeans and starts to gently write her signature on your soft, white clothed dress

As she finishes signing your dress, elie looks up at you with a smile on her face.

You notice the spark in her eyes and the warmth in her voice as she speaks.

"It's not often that someone takes the time to express their admiration, let alone ask for an autograph," she chuckles, holding your gaze for a brief moment before glancing down at the signature. "It's really nice to meet you, and I'm touched that my music has meant something to you that means a lot.." she smiles at you a bit as she mutters this for you only to hear

You smile back at her, feeling a shiver of excitement run down your spine. "of course listen, ellie. I've been a big fan of yours for a while now, and hearing your music live in concert was an incredible experience it brought me to emotions that i've never experienced before." you chuckle a bit

"i don't get that often. Well i always try to put my heart and soul into my performances, even if it's just for a few songs."

"your music is truly a comfort to me i really mean it..."

Ellie chuckles, a soft sound that tickles your ears. "I'm glad to hear that," she looks at her beer bottle but then glances back up at you "That's exactly what I want my music to be just a comfort spot.."

you nod in agreement as you sense a bit of a connection between yourself and ellie as you guys gaze into each others eyes

ellie's expression softens even further, and she reaches out to brush a stray curl behind her ear. "You're a good person, you know that?" she says, the kindness in her voice making your heart flutter. "Not many people take the time to look inward and reflect on their actions and thoughts, let alone strive to improve themselves. It's really admirable.. i feel like thats what truly attracts me to someone you know?"

You feel your face turning red as you smile softly back at her. "Thanks ellie" you cant help but smile at her kind words

There was the most silent silence you've ever encountered in your life as you looked at the empty beer bottles on the bar counter gazing at her green grass colored eyes a few times but then she clears her throat, breaking the spell, and looks away. "Anyway, it was great meeting you," she says, holding out her hand for you to shake. You take it and feel a thrill run through your body as your hands touch feeling a bit of ecstasy as your bodies made contact.

You couldn't help but let your mind wander off to what other feelings you would have when your bodies press against each other with the feeling of you being overstimulated. You hated yourself for having these thoughts come across your mind about a stranger

You start to scan the room for kiara and you finally notice her sitting in a corner of the lounge where it seemed comfortable enough to lay in as she was resting her head on the table she seemed half asleep but you knew she could handle herself as you start to walk away all of a sudden..

"Hey why don't you grab a few drinks with me?" She says with a bit of smirk growing as she looked at you, you noticed her taking in the sight of your flowy dress but you ignored the thought.

ellie's invitation takes you by surprise, but you quickly regain your composure as you nod in agreement. As you take a seat next to ellie you see ellie's confidence growing as she smiles and takes a few sips from her beer.

She orders a round of drinks for the two of you not asking what your choice of drink was but maybe it was because she wanted to treat you to something special?..

For a moment, the two of you sit in comfortable silence, enjoying each other's company. The music from the dj boorh still plays softly in the background, but it feels as though it's just the two of you there.

"So, tell me about yourself," Ellie says, breaking the silence as she leans in towards you. "What do you do when you're not rocking out to my music?" she chuckles with a slight grin

You take a sip of your drink before responding. "Well, I'm a student right now, studying finance. I've always been interested in just being a real estate agent. And when im not being a student i like to play the guitar or just draw my thoughts out"

Ellie smiles at your answer, clearly impressed. "Holy shit really?" she scoffs "i've always been jealous of people who study about businesses" she takes a sip out of her beer before clearing her throat "it's insane how much effort you can put into that.."

The two of you continue to talk and get to know each other, the night slowly fading away as the two of you lose track of time. For a moment, it feels as though the rest of the world has disappeared, and it's just the two of you in your own private bubble.

As the bar starts to close, you realize that it's time to head back to your friend. But before you go, Ellie grabs your hand and whispers something in your ear you couldn't make out what was said but you just obliged. A moment later, she leans in and gives you a soft kiss on the cheek. you felt a sudden rush of ecstasy running through out you.

"thanks for the company" she says with a smile. "maybe we can talk again soon? she whispers into your ear as she slips a paper into your hand

"yeah sure.." you take the paper into your hands not inspecting it at all but just taking it and walking away

As you walk back to kiara you couldn't help but feel your cheeks blush and your face muscles tense up not knowing what the future would hold for you this was only the start of a new chapter..

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literaticat · 10 months ago

Note

I have a question about career building.

I see a lot of places that it is very rare for an author to earn out their advance. So for debut authors, if they get - say 50k for book one, but they don't get that in sales, what happens? Are they able to sell a book two? If so, is it just a series of diminishing returns until they manage to get a following?

A lot of the things I see online about sophomore novels is that they are far harder to write, but I'm curious also about how the rest of that takes shape. Like, does there come a point where no publisher will ever pick them up again because their last book didn't sell well?

How does an author manage that?

Let's see if I can unpack this a little and reassure you!

First, while it's true that lots of books don't earn out their advances -- I don't know if I'd say MOST. Many DO earn out eventually, or at least come relatively close. More importantly, though: the publisher makes their investment back before the advance earns out, so a book doesn't actually need to earn out the advance to be profitable to the publisher.

Publishers know this, of course, and they also know that it often takes a bit of time for an author to find and grow their audience. So if a publisher wants to keep working with an author, they think the author has great ideas and talent, etc -- they will often offer for more books even if the first book hasn't necessarily gone gangbusters, or indeed, even if the first book isn't out yet. (This is also why they might make a two-book-deal from the jump -- because they KNOW that the first book is just the beginning, and it takes time, and they hope to be along for the ride as the author's fan base grows, etc).

So, usually the publisher is OK with taking a chance on you, assuming that sales will get better, yada yada. And if the unfortunate happens and the book performs REALLY poorly, so much so that the math just isn't mathing and they decide they do NOT want to pursue more books with you, well, there are other publishers, and those publishers don't know the details about the finances of your first deal -- if they love the book, they will be basing their numbers on how they think THEY will do selling this new book, not on the first publisher's numbers.

(This is especially true if you can pivot a bit -- ie, the book you are trying to sell to the new publisher is somewhat different than the first book(s) -- so like, let's say your first deal was for YA contemporary, it kinda tanked, you don't really want to work with Publisher A anymore or they have declined to do more with you -- but now you've written a high concept YA thriller -- Publisher B may say, yes, we see that you have this other book that just did meh, BUT, we think THIS book in this different genre will be a BREAKOUT for you!)

As far as "sophomore novels being harder to write" -- well, I think that people experience that for a couple of reasons. When they wrote their first book (or at least, the first book that got published -- maybe they wrote a bunch of books BEFORE that that never got published!) -- but anyway, the first time around, they were writing with no expectations. They didn't have an editor to "impress" yet, they didn't have a contract hanging over their head, they didn't know what the editorial process would be like, they didn't have a deadline, they didn't know what it was like to get their book publicly reviewed, they didn't have people asking them about their book/characters on social media, they didn't have any pressure about sales or marketing or whatever eating up their minds, their free time wasn't taken up with self-promotion, etc etc.

Then they got all those things. That's a lot of pressure they are feeling all of a sudden that they never had before! Little wonder it would seem more difficult. (Is it ACTUALLY "more difficult" in a literal way? Maybe not, but if it FEELS more difficult... then it kinda is, right?)

My friend, the brilliant writer Sara Zarr, told me a great piece of advice long long LONG ago (so long ago she probably doesn't remember this, but I have never forgotten!) -- she said something to the effect of, while you are on submission, and in the eons of "down time" between when your first book sells and when the editing and production process really ramps up, you should do your best to write at least the draft of the next book. Work on it absolutely whenever you can. WHY? Because when and after your debut comes out, your brain will be broken and you will have WAY less time than you anticipate. At least if you have a solid draft of the next thing, you have something to work with, rather than starting from square one with no time, lots of pressure and a broken brain!

My point is, authors obviously DO make it work all the time, and I have faith that you can as well. When the time comes, just remember, work on your next book whenever you have downtime, be flexible and able to pivot if necessary, and strategize with your agent, they have seen it all before and they are there to help!

#building a career

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chorusfm · 1 year ago

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The Format – Interventions + Lullabies

How does one begin to encapsulate the meteoric rise of lead vocalist Nate Ruess’s career? Like most stories, you start at the very beginning. The Format (Nate Ruess and multi-instrumentalist Sam Means) formed in February 2002, and while their friendship goes as far back as grade school, their band chemistry was felt almost immediately. That electric-charged feeling of when a group of talented musicians come together to make art was felt far and wide in The Format. I first got wind of this band when they opened up for Jimmy Eat World and Paramore, and I found their charming mix of emo, pop, and Beach Boys-esque melodies to be immediately infectious. The Format was signed to Elektra Records for what would become their debut LP, Interventions + Lullabies, and much like many other major label artists during this period of time, the merging of record companies led to conflicts on whom the executives found worth pushing on radio, MTV, etc. The Format were ultimately left on the outside looking in when Warner Brothers (and finally Atlantic Records) had the rights to the band’s music. “The First Single” was the only song to be promoted during this album cycle, and it would remain a staple in the band’s set until their breakup in 2008. Interventions + Lullabies was released 20 years ago over the weekend, and still with very little fanfare or recognition from the band’s social media accounts on this birthday, I decided to take it upon myself to give this special record its moment in the sun. While Nate Ruess would become a household name with fun., you never forget where you came from. The Format would tug on all the right heartstrings on their all-too-brief music period that plateaued with their opus, Dog Problems. This album correctly kicks off with “The First Single,” that features the memorable chorus hook of, “You know me, or you think you do,” that finds that early magic between Ruess/Means at an all-time high. “Wait, Wait, Wait” continues the momentum train on the right track with another up-tempo song that showcases the mature lyrical prowess of Ruess at such a young age. The second verse of, “And these chords remain / We’ll use them to exploit the friends / We’ve since forgot / Those friends we’ve lost / You all know just who you are / Cause I’ve since made graves / But I’m too scared to etch the names / For fear that I’m the one who’s changed,” is crisp, talented wordplay. Other early standouts like “Give It Up,” with its memorable hook of, “So give it up / Throw your hats in the air / And change just as they land as you’re saying, ‘we’ll get out of here'” remind me of the reason why I became so enamored with this band in the first place. While “Tie The Rope” deserved to be released as a radio single with its pop-bliss first verse of, “I’m in envy of addicts, you’re obsessed with stars / Don’t, don’t you sound so excited just showing me your vanity / Whisper it once, just a little bit / C’mon whisper it twice / I cant stand to see the spotlight shine one more night / It’s killing me to see you.” Plus the ode to the radio anthem of “Tune Out” that bleeds gracefully into the heartfelt “I’m Ready, I Am” as Ruess admits, “I’m trying to find truth in words, in rhymes, in notes / In all the things I wish I’d wrote / ’cause I feel like I’ve been losing you.” The band continues to spread their wings on the back half with the more somber “On Your Porch,” the rock n’ roll emo-ringed anthem of “Sore Thumb,” and the reflective “A Mess To Be Made.” “Let’s Make This Moment a Crime” is a good enough title to be etched in emo lore history, and the song “Career Day” should’ve been the track to close out Interventions + Lullabies since “A Save Situation” is too somber to remember all the good times that were had while listening to this album. Nate Ruess and Sam Means would find moderate success with their sophomore follow-up, Dog Problems, that put their band chemistry and expansive musical creativity on a fully realized display. Interventions + Lullabies is a… https://chorus.fm/reviews/the-format-interventions-lullabies/

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harrowedbody · 6 years ago

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the sun rises and sets with the world, but the moon hangs low with me.

#poetry #november 2011 #yep. 2011. wrote this 8 years ago and i still love it lmao #high school #i was a sophomore when i wrote this why was i so much more talented at 15?#november #moon #depression

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asterlark · 3 years ago

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ok. samwell college of music au. i wrote all four years let's go babey

eric bittle is this lovely southern tenor (sounds kinda like mitch grassi or ben j pierce) who posts covers (& sometimes originals, but always with neutral or no pronouns because he can't post anything that says he or him ☹) on his youtube channel and has major stage fright but is very talented; he also plays ukulele

he got into samwell college of music on a voice scholarship and his dad doesn’t exactly approve but eric was never the 6′2″ masculine football player he wanted anyway so why not go for his dreams

he auditions for the very competitive samwell men’s contemporary chorus (there’s like 20 choirs; chamber choir, jazz choir, a cappella groups (lax bros do a cappella), combined choirs, etc- smcc does contemporary pop/rock music) and while he’s very very nervous and shaky as he auditions, directors hall & murray see a lot of potential in him (with major grumbling from student director jack)

(the rest of this ridiculously long au under the cut)

the group is small, for a chorus, because the point of the group is not a wall of sound but a focus on all of the very talented guys’ voices coming together in these gorgeous harmonies and basically they’re like one of the best choruses on campus and all the male singers want in

so there’s jack zimmermann, who of course eric knows because everyone knows who he is, he’s the son of bob and alicia zimmermann, both incredibly talented and famous musicians, and basically those genes were in his favor because he’s mega fucking talented

(jack was supposed to sign a recording contract to be in a band with his best friend kent parson when he was 17 but something happened between them and the pressure was too much and jack overdosed on something- there’s so many rumors no one knows what’s real- and kent signed solo in LA & went on to win grammys for his albums about a mysterious ex and jack disappeared for a few years to be a counselor at a music camp and reappears at samwell, knocking everyone’s socks off again like he’d never left, except with a renewed vigor and intenseness that freaks everyone out)

jack is a contemporary writing & production major, freaky talented and sings like a modern day frank sinatra, and he plays like 20 instruments and can read music like breathing air and writes songs like if he stopped he’d die; his music is folksy and mournful and he plays all the instruments on his tracks himself- guitar, piano, strings, drums- it sounds like a full band but nope. just jack. he’s intense

“we all get nicknames in this choir,” justin informs eric on his first day, “we’re those kinda guys.” so he’s bitty, which he finds vaguely offensive (bc he’s not that short!) but still cute, & the rest of the group is introduced to him:

“shitty” knight (voice like colyer) is a musical education major and an enigma of a singer with this awesome, earthy, raspy voice that’s really interesting to listen to and a very.... unique style & look; he writes cheesy but shockingly good raps about social justice topics and he will sing-lecture you if you’ve said something offensive (he also plays banjo)

justin “ransom” oluransi is a music business & management major with an angelic voice you can’t help but listen to; he’s sultry and has an incredible range and does runs like nobody’s business (with a voice like daniel caesar or leslie odom jr UGH)

adam “holster” birkholtz is a voice performance major, wants to be on broadway and it’s all he ever goddamn talks about basically, he’s a belter and has a lot of charisma and starpower and he’ll charm the pants off of you within one note; can also play piano and irritates everyone constantly because his regular volume is like a level 11 (voice like the frontman of my brothers and i combined w/ x ambassadors lead singer)

larissa “lardo” duan is at the local art institute because performing arts is not her jam and she’d much rather paint; she’s a barista at annie’s and supervises open mic nights and keeps the annoying choir dudes from driving away all her patrons

“i’m not even in your dumbass choir,” she says when the group gave her her nickname. holster just told her that she was an honorary member and then started sing-shouting a song at her about how good she is

bitty’s first year is hard because he’s talented and he works hard but he shies away when anyone asks him to sing outside the group and like, he can sing to a camera by himself but being on a stage with everyone looking at you and the sole responsibility of the song on your shoulders is terrifying and no thanks

jack does not. understand this. he’s been performing practically since he came out of the womb and he doesn’t really get performance nerves (what he gets is anxiety about how he did after he gets off stage that follows him home and makes it so he can’t sleep) - so he bothers bitty about it constantly like “you just need practice, you just have to sing by yourself a lot and then you’ll get over it” which like.... that’s true but it’s also hella scary and bitty’s like “no thanks!!!!”

but jack’s annoying and intense so he makes bitty do open mic with him every saturday night and it’s going okay and bitty loves his choir and loves his school and these new friends he’s making and he finally feels comfortable enough to come out to them during his second term

then during their spring choral showcase at the end of his freshman year bitty has a solo and he’s worked really hard on it and he’s feeling good- okay he’s completely freaked out but he’s trying to feel good- but when he gets up on stage there’s so many people and the stage lights are so hot on his face and he flips out a little and maybe he passes out from anxiety and stress right on stage and it’s terrible and he’s so embarrassed and ashamed that he ruined their set at the showcase

of course jack blames himself because “we shouldn’t have given you a solo before you were ready, i misjudged it, i’m sorry” - and they all feel kinda bad bc holy fuck they didn’t know his stage fright was that bad like they didn’t know someone could pass out just by being anxious to sing

he practices all the time over the summer and goes to his local open mic at jack’s insistence and it actually helps a lot because instead of a sea of strangers judging him it’s a bunch of people he knows and they’re all smiling at him and when he finishes his song they cheer for him and it boosts his self-confidence a lot

his sophomore year they have three new members- chris ”chowder” chow (voice like ieuan), an excitable music education major with impressive rapping skills, derek "nursey" nurse (frank ocean or leon bridges type), a songwriting major who can also play violin and guitar, and will ”dex” poindexter (like tom west), a production & engineering major who tried out with chowder bc he needed moral support and didn't expect to get in but impressed the directors with his voice

the year’s going pretty good, bitty’s still pretty scared of singing alone but more confident now and the open mic nights with jack haven’t stopped, so he’s getting better. and one night they’re hanging out at annie’s after closing waiting for lardo to be done so they can walk her home, and bitty suggests that jack sing with him one of these nights, and jack says he doesn’t know any of bitty’s songs and bitty says they can write one together half jokingly but then jack is like “yes.” with that Intense Look

SO they get together a couple days later in jack’s room at the house they all live in together (bitty moved in at the beginning of the year after previous smcc member john johnson called him- how’d he get his number?- and told him he could take his room if he wanted), jack with his guitar and bitty with his ukulele, and it’s a little awkward until bitty says jack should play him one of his songs

and, okay, he doesn’t really know what to expect because the only music jack ever released to the public was that one single he did with kent parson when they were 17 so bitty doesn’t even know if he has anything to play him, but he does- he starts playing these soft, sad notes on the guitar and opens his mouth and sings about being lonely and scared and unsure, about false starts and shaky ground and not knowing where you stand with someone, about expectations and lying awake at night and wishing so hard you were someone else, and bitty watches him sing and just kind of... realizes he’s head over heels for this boy and internally Freaks Out a little

he tries to put that aside and they start to write this song, at first it’s weird because jack’s like “all your songs are love songs i can’t really relate to happy love songs” and bitty’s like “listen... i’ve never even had a boyfriend i just write a bunch of sappy love stuff because it’s not about me it’s about whoever’s listening to it, they’re gonna project their own experiences on my music anyway so it doesn’t matter if it’s my real life or not” and jack’s like “alright while fake af that’s smart and i respect you” (what bitty doesn't say is that he writes about what he really wants which is to fall in love & be in a happy relationship)

they say they’re just gonna write this kinda vague sad song but they both secretly write lines about their actual lives so it ends up being really personal and real and raw for the both of them

they sing the song at open mic that saturday and the crowd at annie’s is never that big but they’ve never got a standing ovation here before, and some girl shouts “MAKE AN ALBUM” (it may or may not be lardo) and they both blush furiously and bitty’s like “... that was really nice, jack” and jack’s like “... yeah it was good good job you’re really getting some confidence out there nice work” (bitty: “THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT AAAAH”)

around this time jack’s really thinking about what he’s gonna do when he’s done at samwell, talking with his parents and his agent and looking into different record companies and deciding if he wants to sign with anyone or possibly start his own company- the head of a small company called falcon records in rhode island has been talking to him a lot, and jack talks to bitty about how he thinks it’d be nice to start small, and the record exec georgia and the producer marty had both been really nice and welcoming, and bitty’s so happy for him but also just... sad that he won’t be around jack every day after he graduates

THEN at a haus party celebrating their win of a local choral competition, who shows up but none other than pop star kent parson to Ruin The Fun

bitty sees the way jack pales when kent walks in, notices them disappear upstairs together and feels a little sick worrying about jack but chalks it up to the highly alcoholic concoction shitty and lardo had cooked up but nonetheless decides he’s sick of the party and goes up to his room and hears.... a little too much

and YIKES he’s standing right there and kent parson, pop star, two-time grammy winner, is looking a little rumpled and staring right at him and he puts his hat on and clears his throat and snaps at jack- “hey. well. call me if you reconsider. but good luck with rhode island. ...i’m sure that’ll make your parents proud.” and jack’s shaking, and bitty doesn’t know what to do but jack goes back into his room and bitty’s just kind of standing there like What The Fuck

so.... he kind of stews over winter break but tries not to think about it too much and he and jack text a bit and jack tells him to practice and bitty’s like “oh, you” and jack’s like “im serious” and bitty’s like “>:( it’s christmas”

spring semester starts and they're doing well in competitions and they go to semifinals and then finals for a prestigious collegiate choir competition and the pressure is mounting but they all are so optimistic and really feel like they're on the same page and bitty’s confidence is better than ever and then.... they don't win

jack especially takes it very hard, but then he also has signing to worry about, which everyone helps him with and he decides to sign with falcon records and start work on an album after graduation

speaking of graduation, shitty and jack graduate and it's hard for them but harder for bitty who feels like he's losing jack in a way, he knows how intense jack gets when he's making music and it doesn't feel like he'll have any time for bitty anymore so when they say goodbye bitty goes back to the haus and listens to his and jack's song and just cries

but, like in canon, dadbob has words of wisdom to impart and jack has an "oh" moment and races across campus to kiss bitty

they get together and the next few months are spent with jack working nonstop on his album (which tbh, he'd had many of the songs written already so it's mostly recording and producing) and texting bitty constantly and coming to visit him and playing him demos of all the songs

jack also asks bitty if they can record the song they wrote together & have it as a bonus track on his album & bitty says of course, so when jack visits they set up an impromptu studio and record vocals in the guest bedroom and this deeply personal song they wrote before they were ever together means so much more to them now

and bitty is so happy but so scared and sad too because jack is playing him these songs telling him "they're all for you bits, & a lot of them are about you" and he just doesn't know how he's going to keep all this love inside even though it feels like jack's career is at stake

he tries to shove it down and stay strong though, especially since he's now an upperclassman and they're taking on new members- connor "whiskey" whisk (voice like finneas or the male singer in valley), a music business/ management major who seems to hate bitty's guts and tony "tango" tangredi (like chaz cardigan), a jazz composition major who astounds everybody with his endless questions but also his ridiculously impressive composition skills & naturally perfect pitch (he can also play saxophone??)

i want ford in this au so fuck it she is a composition major with dreams to write scores for musicals and she stars training as a barista at annie's (aka training to corral the smcc)

the pressure of it all proves to be a lot and bitty and jack have their hi, honey moment where bitty's like i can't be this deep in the closet!!! and so they tell the smcc and also jack's label that they're together and that eases things a bit

jack's album comes out to much critical acclaim and shouting in the groupchat ("#1 ON ITUNES BRAHHHHH!!!!!!!!") and several months later, when smcc has already been eliminated from choral competition in an earlier round, jack is nominated for SEVERAL grammys including best album, song of the year, and best new artist

when the time comes he takes his parents and bitty on the red carpet which, everyone keeps being like "who are you here with jack?" and he's like "my family and my good friend :)" and yes it is awkward

jack wins... all three awards. it's the comeback everyone is stoked to see and when his third win is announced, he and bitty are so elated that they kiss before he goes to accept the award

his speech is basically just "um... wow. thank you. i just kissed my boyfriend on live tv. this is amazing and i'm so humbled. i'd like to thank my boyfriend and georgia and marty and my parents and my friends and my boyfriend"

obviously the press has a FIELD DAY with this but bitty & jack are honestly vibing and so happy that it doesn't matter untiiiillll bitty's mom calls and he has to tell her "mama i'm gay and i'm going on tour with jack this summer okloveyoubye"

the last few months of bitty's junior year pass quickly and he's voted student director which is a huge honor considering how much he struggled with stage fright and confidence & how he'll now be stepping into ransom & holster's shoes

r&h and lardo all graduate (the smcc basically crashes the art school graduation and all scream when lardo gets her diploma lmao), which is a bittersweet occasion and they all do a bit of tearing up

that summer bitty goes on tour across the u.s. & canada with jack and his touring band (snowy is a bassist, tater is a drummer and poots does backing guitar, he also brings nursey to play violin on a few songs) as well as georgia who's there to manage logistics

and tour is so fun & chaotic with many bi and rainbow flags in the audience that end up thrown on stage and draped around jack's neck and they spend so many nights in the bus drinking and laughing and fooling around on the guitars and bitty's uke and exploring new cities bitty has never been to before and it's the freest bitty has felt in a long time

summer ends though, and jack leaves for the uk/europe leg of the tour, and with the new school year brings a few new members- river "bully" bullard (voice like gregory alan isakov), a music therapy major who draws his own cover art for his songs, lukas "louis" landmann (like jr jr), an electronic production and design major with a penchant for EDM, and johnathan "hops" hopper (like keiynan lonsdale), a film scoring major who wants to write music for movies and video games

bitty meets and befriends some of the other student directors- shruti, sd of the women’s contemporary chorus; sharon, sd of the chamber choir; and edgar, sd of jazz ensemble (even chad l., sd of the all-male a cappella group)

senior year passes similarly to the comic; coach visits and sees one of bitty’s competitions, jack comes to madison for christmas, smcc does well in competition and goes to regionals etc

however… bitty keeps putting off and putting off gathering the songs for his senior recital

he has a hard time doing that because he’s so focused on the group and making sure they’re performing well and as they advance in competition, everything else starts to fall away

eventually the rest of the smcc has to lock away his uke and change his youtube password and FORCE him to choose songs for it and start preparing because he cannot graduate without doing this recital and doing well on it

he chooses (of course) a beyonce song, a few of his own songs, an ellie goulding song, and an adele song

with all that his breath hitches and his hands shake before he goes on stage, he does really well and his voice instructor prof atley tears up a little in the audience as does his mom

meanwhile smcc goes to semifinals, then finals, of the national collegiate choral competition they participate in

and i imagine bitty faces somewhat less homophobia in this au because i mean, he’s in the performing arts, but i think it’s still there and he also faces a good amount of classism from richer students and performers who think they’re better because they had the resources and money to be performing professionally from a very young age, and he has been practicing via filming himself on a shitty camcorder and posting it to youtube

but they still get there! and the national finals are fucking HUGE and a big deal and a little overwhelming

bitty’s stage fright is Present because this is the biggest stage and the biggest stakes he's ever had and he has a big solo in one of their songs so if he fucks up, he fucks up a national championship for his whole group and school

luckily though, when he steps on the stage with his best friends and sees his boyfriend and family and smcc alums in the audience and they perform their first song, a high-energy pop medley that always gets the crowd going, everything seems to melt away and it's just him living in this moment and singing his heart out

when it gets to the next song and his solo, he forgets to be nervous and belts it out, getting screams of approval from the audience when he finishes

(dex and nursey do have a duet together that they had to practice for many long nights in the practice rooms alone but that's neither here nor there)

their time on stage seems to last both hours and no time at all and then they're done, the crowd gives them a standing ovation and it's at least 30% r&h & shitty's hooting and hollering and jack's enthusiastic clapping that makes bitty & the others beam with pride

then it's just waiting, giddy and nervous beyond belief in their green room, for the judging to be over

after what feels like forever they're back on stage, arms linked together waiting and hoping for their name to be called and it is, they win and it feels like years have built up to this moment, and bitty tears up because years ago when he was fainting from anxiety at having to perform in front of people he never could've imagined that he'd do this, that he'd be the student director that led them to a championship

they get the trophy and a ridiculous amount of flowers from their loved ones and they all are just in giddy disbelief that this is happening, they're national champs!!! they are the best choir boys in the nation!!

they come home and the rest of the school year passes by so quickly that it's very suddenly graduation and bitty can't believe his college career at samwell is over 😢

(he and ollie and wicky take pictures together, o&w talk about how excited they are to devote full time attention to their band & wedding planning and bitty's just like wait you're gay??)

bitty got plenty of offers from record companies but he likes his freedom of creativity and he has a built in fanbase from doing youtube all these years so he decides to make an album independently (jack helps him produce & master it 🥰)

when bitty's album comes out about a year later, full of bops about being gay and in love and having struggled but come out the other side more confident than ever, it doesn't get any grammy nominations- and he didn't expect or need that.

what it does do is it resonates. it makes the rounds in youtube and queer internet circles; people his age reach out to him saying this is the music they wish they had as a kid and kids reach out to him saying he's a role model and they're so glad to have his music to listen to. his album is written about as an underrated gem that shines with queer brilliance and is sure to start a party when it comes on.

his parents may not fully understand the road he's chosen for himself but they're still so proud and promote the album as hard as any of his loyal fans (especially the one country-inspired song on the album that he wrote and dedicated to them).

and jack, jack who saw this album from its infancy to its release date, who took the film photo that ended up being the album cover, who worked with bitty to make sure his vision was realized exactly how he wanted it to be, is proud beyond words.

jack starts using his semi-abandoned twitter again to tweet "stream [album name]" every day and bitty retweets them sometimes, with just a "this boy. ❤"

and they're happy. they're good. they have come so far and they are reaping the rewards of all the hard work they put in to make the music that they truly love.

the end :)

#check please #omgcp #samwell college of music au #mine #my writing #eric bittle #jack zimmermann #omgcp fic #check please fic #zimbits #uhh idk what else to tag #this fucking thing is like 4.1k words i'm-#i hope you enjoy it (and reblog it!) bc i've been working on this for literal years #i know i'll never actually write it as a longform fic so here's a bullet pt fic instead #pls let me know your thoughts i have so many things to say about this au

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sometimesbeforeitgetsbetter · 3 years ago

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Off the Record | Stiles Stilinski

Pairing: Stiles Stilinski x reader

Summary: High school in Beacon Hills, as told through the eyes of one inquisitive journalist who has a knack at getting on Stiles Stilinski's nerves.

Warnings: idk there's like a couple curse words lmao. also, spoilers? if you haven't finished teen wolf I guess??

Word count: 8,227

A/N: hi hi this is my first fic I'm posting on Tumblr (not to say that this is my first fic ever...anyway)! before you start, I just wanna say that there's a couple things that might be off from the show but please just ignore them. like I think it's bs Lydia brings Stiles back and not Scott in 6b so I righted that wrong. but I hope you enjoy and please let me know what you think of it! thanks for reading!!

All my life I’ve wondered why people didn’t question what happens in Beacon Hills.

It’s no secret that our town is unusual, but when odd things seemed to happen, people would just turn a blind eye and go about their business.

I, on the other hand, couldn’t let it go. I was inquisitive by nature, and my mom never knew how to answer my questions.

Why do we have so many animal attacks?

What happened to the people that disappeared in the Preserve?

Why did his eyes glow like that?

That last question almost caused my mom to get me a therapist – which probably would’ve helped me regardless – but she just continued to answer with her usual responses.

They just feel threatened by us, dear.

They’re in a better place now.

I’m sure it was nothing – you probably just saw some reflection in his eyes.

But no matter what she told me, I wasn’t satisfied. I knew there was something bigger going on, something my mom couldn’t explain, but I wasn’t sure what. As I got older, however, I realized that if I kept voicing my concerns, I’d be seen as the local crazy person – which, at the time, was the title reserved for my neighbor, Donna Romano, who always went to Town Hall meetings to complain about how some supernatural creatures were traumatizing her dogs every time she took them out at night to urinate.

Out of fear of sounding like Donna, I kept my suspicions to myself. I observed the strange actions of those around me and kept note of the bizarre events that happened in town. I found that it was something I was good at – observing. Always watching, but never voicing my opinions. Eventually, it got the best of me because I grew really quiet at school. But I didn’t mind. I liked being a wallflower.

One day in the fifth grade I saw my mom reading the Beacon Chronicle and I had an epiphany – journalists investigate weird, inexplicable events, so I should be a journalist. Reading the news became my favorite pastime, and by sixth grade I decided I would join the high school newspaper, The Daily Beacon, when I became a freshman. I figured maybe it would give me an outlet to investigate the odd occurrences in the town without looking like a lunatic.

But in sixth grade, I noticed that some of the odd things had stopped happening. There were less animal attacks and disappearances from the Preserve. Some people had even left town, including the last of the Hales, whose house had burned down that same year.

I didn’t give up hope though. I kept my head down and waited for things to get weird again. In the meantime, I wrote for enjoyment. In eighth grade I started shadowing a girl named Anna that was a part of the Daily Beacon, and I started writing articles – album reviews, movie reviews, school news.

Everything was going smoothly until my sophomore year of high school. Suddenly the weird things were happening, and I was sure that there was one person that was at the epicenter of it all – Scott McCall.

“...Angela, you’re covering the new faculty; Thomas, you’ve got the new Vegan Support Group club some juniors just created; and y/n, you’re covering lacrosse try-outs,” said Andrew, the editor-in-chief of the Daily Beacon.

I groaned slightly. “Andrew, couldn’t I write something a little bit more...my style? Like what about the one freshman class that boycotted their summer reading and is facing suspension?”

He gave me a slight look. “y/n, you know how important this lacrosse piece is. You know what that sport means to the school. You should be glad I’m giving you this opportunity,” he scolded. “Besides, Marlene is covering that class and is already interviewing their teacher.”

I nodded slowly and tried to refrain from rolling my eyes. I knew that Andrew meant well – he had been like an older brother to me ever since my freshman year – and he was right about the importance of lacrosse. I stayed quiet until he dismissed us, then mentally prepared myself to spend my afternoon watching some jocks exude machismo on a field.

When my last class was over, I walked over to the lacrosse field and found myself a spot on the top of the bleachers. It gave me an excellent vantage point – until a couple girls sat down right in front of me. The redhead I recognized to be Lydia Martin, the school’s resident popular girl. We’d been in class together all our lives, but I couldn’t remember a time she ever talked to me. I’m sure she didn’t even know I existed, just like the majority of the other people in our grade. The other girl, however, I didn’t recognize. I found out her name was Allison by overhearing their conversation. She was new and must have just moved to Beacon Hills.

The shrill sound of Coach’s whistle knocked me out of my thoughts. Tryouts started, and I watched as Scott McCall, a boy from my grade, was nearly knocked out by a lacrosse ball to the face. I winced but wrote down the event in the notebook I had out for documentation.

The next ball that went Scott’s way didn’t hit his face though. He managed to catch it in his goalie net. I couldn’t help but be a bit surprised – like Lydia, I’d known of Scott my whole life though he probably didn’t know me at all. But that meant I knew he was an asthmatic that wasn’t particularly skilled at sports.

“He’s actually pretty good,” I mumbled to myself as Scott continued to catch every ball that came his way.

I didn’t realize how loud I must’ve said it though because at my remark Allison turned around. “I was just thinking the same thing,” she said, obviously surprised. “Do you know him?”

I shook my head and quickly turned my attention to my notebook to write down the surprising turn of events. “Are you writing about this for the school newspaper?” I looked back up at Allison’s question. She was paying attention to me?

“Um, yeah, I am. I’d rather not write about sports, but here I am,” I joked lightly.

She let out a beautiful laugh at my statement. “Well, I’m glad you’re here. I’m Allison, and you are…?”

“y/n,” I answered. “Nice to meet you, Allison.” Suddenly the crowd roared, and I remembered why I was there. Allison, too, smiled and turned her attention back to the game. Lydia hadn’t said a word, but she was focused on watching Scott absolutely demolish Jackson Highmore, who, in my opinion, needed to be knocked down a few pegs anyway.

The more I watched Scott though, I got this weird feeling. He was good – too good. I tried to ignore my feelings and just focus on writing notes for the ridiculous lacrosse piece, which would include the headline: “Sophomore Scott McCall shines at lacrosse tryouts and becomes team co-captain.” But deep down I knew there was something up with him.

A few days later, I was sitting behind Stiles Stilinski, Scott’s best friend, in English class. Even though I’d had nearly all of my classes with him, we never talked. It originally was because I had a minor crush on him and was afraid I’d pass out if I spoke to him, but eventually it just morphed into me not speaking to many people and being convinced he didn’t know of my existence anyway.

But this one day, I was committed to speaking with him. I had to know what was going on, and if there was one person that knew anything about Scott’s new-found lacrosse talent, it was Stiles.

“Hey, Stiles,” I spoke up from behind him.

The brunette turned around, slightly confused but with that soft smile on his face. “Oh, hey, y/n. What’s up?”

I swear my heart stopped beating for a second. He knew my name? He knew who I was? I shook myself out of my thoughts before I went down the rabbit hole of the implications of him knowing me.

“Oh, nothing much. I’m just writing a piece about lacrosse tryouts for the school newspaper and I was just wondering if you had anything to say about it,” I explained.

He tilted his head slightly and shifted in his seat to more fully face me. “Um, yeah sure. I think it’s going to be a great season, especially since we’ve gotten some new leadership. My boy Scott’s co-captain now, so those Devenford Prep guys won’t know what hit them!”

“Speaking of Scott, when did he get so good at lacrosse? Would you say it’s natural talent?” I pressed a bit, hoping he’d say something that would give me a hint as to what was going on.

Stiles’ eyes squinted a little, and his head tilted slightly again. He seemed to be at a loss for words, which was unusual for the fast-talking, sarcastic boy, but he quickly recovered. “It’s definitely...natural...talent. He’s been working extra hard recently to hone his talent and skills so he could bring his A-game to this year’s tryouts.” When he finished speaking, he looked pleased with himself, and I could tell he had let out a small sigh of relief.

What are you hiding?

Though I didn’t know it yet, at that moment my rivalry with Stiles Stilinski began. He and Scott were hiding something, and I was going to find out what it was.

“You’re telling me that a girl is in a coma after the school winter formal and you don’t want me to write a story about it?”

Andrew leaned against the desk and crossed his arms. “It’s not that I don’t want you to write it. I just think it’s a tense time right now. The administration is receiving a lot of flack right now because of the winter formal fiasco, and Ms. Blanchard told me that we may want to avoid stirring the pot right now,” he explained. “That is not to say that we abandon our journalistic integrity and commitment to informing the student body, but we just may want to be sensitive to our environment right now.”

I trusted Ms. Blanchard, the faculty sponsor of the Daily Beacon, but not reporting on Lydia’s comatose state felt wrong. She was well-known at school, and students deserved to know the facts of her situation and how it had happened.Well, maybe I was lying to myself by saying that the real reason I wanted to pursue the story wasn’t the fact that something inexplicable had happened at the dance and I had to figure out what it was.

Andrew could sense my disappointment. “Look, maybe for now you can start collecting information and sources, and I’ll talk to Ms. Blanchard. Maybe she can advise us on how best to proceed.”

I threw my arms around Andrew in a quick hug. “Yes, thank you! I promise I’ll be sensitive when asking sources. I know how difficult this must be for the people close to her.”

“I know you will,” he said, chuckling lightly.

With a smile plastered on my face – perhaps a little inappropriately considering the topic I was excited to cover – I left the small newspaper office in search of my first source: Stiles Stilinski. He had been Lydia’s date to the dance, so surely he must know what happened to her, right? “No, I don’t know what happened,” Stiles angrily responded when I cornered him at his locker. “We were separated for a bit because she went looking for someone. When I went looking for her I–” he stopped suddenly, as if choosing his words carefully. He wouldn’t meet my eyes as he spoke.

“The next thing I know, she was at the hospital in a coma. They told me Jackson had found her out on the field when I went to check on her at the hospital,” he explained.

Something wasn’t adding up. “Ok, but where were you the rest of that time? You didn’t go looking for her when you didn’t see her for a while? What about when she had already been checked into the hospital?”

“What is this – an investigation?” Stiles shouted as he slammed his locker shut. I took a step back, eyes wide at the sudden display of aggression. Maybe I pushed too hard, I thought. Stiles rubbed a hand over his face and took a deep breath. “Sorry, I….I didn’t mean it like that. There’s just a lot going on, and my dad has been up my ass about those details too. To be honest, I can’t tell you where I was. The time just flew by and all of a sudden I’d realized I hadn’t seen Lydia for a couple hours. I wish I had been there for her, but there’s nothing I can do for her now other than check up on her.”

Running a hand over his buzzed head, he shot me a forced smile and said “good luck with your article” before walking away.

I was at a loss for words, trying to put the pieces together in my head. Surely he couldn’t have had a part in Lydia’s injury? There’s no way. But his defensiveness was off-putting–

“Hey, y/n!” I was snapped out of my thoughts by Allison approaching me from behind. “What were you talking to Stiles about?”

“Huh? Oh, um, I was just asking him about…” I remembered that the funeral for Allison’s aunt was happening and didn’t want to mention the additional stress of her best friend being comatose, so I opted for a white lie. “Biology homework. I wasn’t really paying attention in class today.”

“Oh, I didn’t realize you two were friends,” she said as she leant against the lockers.

I shook my head violently. “We’re not.” I’d grown too close to Allison for her to not pick up on my feelings though.

“You say that now, but–”

“I have to get to class. See you at lunch, Ally!”

Other things that year were weird, but none warranted any further investigation via newspaper article. Sure, I was wondering about Erica Reyes’ sudden transformation into the ultimate baddie, the mysterious deaths of a mechanic and Isaac Lahey’s dad, numerous paralyzations at the Jungle, and a death of someone at a secret rave, but Andrew thought it would be best for the Chronicle and Ledger to cover those bigger events. In fact, the only other unnatural event that happened that I had to cover for the newspaper was Stiles’ unbelievable winning streak at the lacrosse championship. I would have quoted him after the game, but I really didn’t want to speak to him and anyway, he had disappeared for a bit right after the team won.

I could tell that things were happening, but it was all hidden from public view. I even noticed Allison’s behavior fluctuating. The arrival of her grandfather shook things up, and while he gave me a bad feeling, I couldn’t exactly figure out why. Lydia was more troubled than usual after coming back from the hospital even though she tried to act normally. Jackson was going through something and was more angry and aggressive than usual, but I wasn’t close enough to him to ask him if he was okay.

Over the summer, I spent a surprising amount of time with Lydia. Allison spent her summer in France, but she asked me to keep an eye on Lydia to make sure she was okay, especially since Jackson had moved to London during the summer break. I was surprised how much I enjoyed spending time with the redhead, and we hung out when I wasn’t working at my internship at The Beacon Chronicle, which my mom had convinced me to apply for after she noticed how irritated I was that I couldn’t pursue some of the stories I wanted.

By the time Allison came back before the start of school, it felt like Lydia and I had been best friends for the longest time.

“So, Allison, have you talked to Scott at all this summer?” I asked when I was sitting in the backseat of Lydia’s car, Allison in the passenger seat.

She shook her head. “No, I think I still need some time. He...hides things from me and I don’t know if I can trust him.”

I nodded my head, understanding the feeling. I still couldn’t place my finger on what had happened between them or what Scott was involved in. Though I comforted her when I found out they broke up, I didn’t really know why they’d done it.

“What about you, y/n? Have you talked to Stiles at all?” Allison asked, looking back at me in the backseat.

“Why the hell would I talk to Stiles?” I questioned, confused.

She and Lydia shared a small look that I couldn’t decipher before she shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know, but you guys are more similar than you may think. I don’t know why you guys act like you don’t like each other though.”

The car rolled to a stop at the stop light, and all of a sudden I noticed a familiar baby blue jeep approach next to us. “Speak of the devil,” I mumbled. Lydia and Allison didn’t notice Stiles staring and waving at first, but when they did the car was filled with awkward tension.

The next events were a blur: Lydia running the red light, both cars stopping in the middle of the road, and a deer running straight towards us, nearing killing me in the gap between the front seats. We were shaken, and the boys ran towards us when they saw what happened.

“Are you okay?” Stiles asked Lydia, but he kept looking at me. I nodded slightly and he turned his full attention back to Lydia.

“What was wrong with it?” Allison asked as Scott got closer to the deer.

“It was scared,” he explained. “No, terrified.”

Things got progressively weirder after that. On the first day of school, I interviewed our new English teacher, Ms. Blake. She was nice enough, but it was unfortunate that her class was the one that a whole flock of birds decided to burst through the classroom windows. By the time the police arrived, I was already drafting up a story in my brain: Why are the animals acting weird in Beacon Hills?

I had overheard Stiles talking to Scott about the deer’s weird behavior and the number of deer-related incidents in California, so I swallowed my pride so that I could talk to him and maybe get some stats and information on the whole situation.

I walked up to him when he was sitting alone, texting on his phone. “Hey, Stiles.” “y/n? What’s wrong?” He had genuine concern written on his face.

“I overheard you and Scott talking about deer-related incidents earlier,” I noticed how he tensed up at my statement, “and I was wondering if you could help me with a piece I’m writing? It seems like you know all the stats, so maybe...you could write it with me?” It pained me to finish that sentence, but I figured it might be easier to figure out what was going on if he was helping – especially if he already had inside information.

I think for the first time in his life, the talkative boy was speechless. “I understand if you don’t want to or you’re busy–” I said quickly, trying to give him a way out.

“Yeah, sure.”

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t caught off guard by his response. “W-what?”

He smirked slightly. “Yeah, sure. I’ll help you out with your article, y/n. Collaborate with you, if you will. We can work on it at my house tomorrow afternoon if you want.”

Nodding and agreeing with the plan, I left the chaotic English classroom.

The next afternoon, I felt like I was walking into the lion’s den. Going to Stiles’ house felt foreign, but what was even stranger was seeing him in casual clothes in a comfortable environment.

He answered the door wearing some sweats and a t-shirt, looking more comfortable and confident than I’d ever seen him. “Hey, y/n. Come on in,” he greeted.

I thanked him awkwardly, and we walked to his dining room table to get set up. “Sorry, I need to go grab my notes from my room. Be back in a sec,” Stiles said before leaving me alone in his dining room.

After a moment of silence, Sheriff Stilinski walked in wearing his uniform. “Oh, y/n! What are you doing here?” He had seen me a couple weeks ago in the police station when I was requesting documents for a story for the Chronicle. Though journalists and cops don’t often have a jovial relationship, he said that he liked me because of my commitment to the truth and respectful nature.

“Hey, Sheriff. I’m writing a piece about the animals acting weird, you know, with the deer accident and bird incident, and Stiles said he’d help me since he has a bunch of statistics on deer related car accidents.”

“Stiles is helping you? Well, I’ll be damned.” When he saw the confusion on my face, he rushed to explain himself. “No, not like that. It’s just, you’re all organized and focused, and Stiles is….Stiles.”

I was laughing heartily when the boy himself walked back into the room. “What’s going on, Daddy-o?”

“Nothing, son. Just catching up with y/n here. I’ve got to get to work, but you’re welcome anytime, y/n.” He said before patting Stiles on the shoulder and heading off to work.

Stiles looked over at me oddly when he placed his notes on the table and sat next to me. “Since when are you all buddy-buddy with my dad?”

Shrugging, I said, “Ever since we started grabbing beer every Thursday night while you’re at lacrosse practice.” His jaw dropped slightly, and I laughed again. “No, idiot. We’ve just interacted a lot because of my internship. Now, can we get started on the article?”

After the article was published, my next assignment was writing about the track meet a couple weeks later. I found out Allison and Lydia were riding together to the meet, so I tagged along.

Both girls were extremely tense the whole ride, seemingly concerned about something going on in the bus. We were only a few cars behind the bus full of track runners (and lacrosse players who were forced to attend the meet), but the stand-still traffic was a force to be reckoned with.

“Do you think we’re too close?” Allison asked.

“Honey, if you were any closer I think you’d mount the bus,” Lydia said sarcastically. She got a call from Stiles and looked over at Allison. “Hey, Stiles,” she dragged out the ‘hey,’ tension obvious in her voice.

She listened to what he was saying, something clearly wrong. “What do you mean he’s not–” she stopped when she remembered I was in the car, “healing?” She finished the question quietly, probably hoping I wouldn’t hear.

Healing? Is he injured?

“Yeah, ok, just find a way to get Coach to stop. We’ll meet you there.” She hung up and told Allison to pull off at the next stop.

When we got to the rest stop, I could see everyone hurrying to get off the bus. Allison parked the car, and we quickly went to the bathroom where I saw Scott nearly passed out on the floor. “Oh my god, is he okay?”

“Yeah, y/n. He’s fine. At least, he will be,” Stiles responded. He positioned his body in front of me a little bit as if he was trying to block my view of Scott.

I gently pushed him aside so I could see and was shocked to see black blood coming from the injured boy. “What the hell is going on? Why is his blood black?” I ran forward to get closer, kneeling next to Allison.

“It’s nothing. We just need to stitch him up and he’ll be fine.”

“Stiles, don’t fucking lie to me. I can see that he’s obviously not fine.”

“He’s right,” Allison said quietly. “We need to stitch him up. I need something to stitch him together with.” She looked around before remembering something in her bag.

I shook my head. “We need to tell Coach. Take him to a hospital or something.”

“No!” All three of them yelled at me.

It was quiet for a moment, all of us deciding where to go from here. “Just…” Stiles started, “please go and make sure the bus doesn’t leave without us. We’ll handle this.” I got up and slowly made my way to the door.

As I reached for the door, a hand grabbed my wrist. “y/n,” Stiles said, “it’ll make sense someday. Just trust us for now. Trust me,” he pleaded quietly out of earshot of the girls and Scott.

“I do,” I replied quietly, not meeting his eyes, before pulling my hand from his grasp and leaving the bathroom.

That night, we all had to stay at the Motel Glen Capri because of the postponed meet. I didn’t like its energy, and neither did Lydia. “A lot can happen in one night,” she said.

Though it was supposed to be two to a room, I convinced Coach to let me room with Allison and Lydia. Admittedly, Coach didn’t need much convincing because I was saving the school money by doing so. Once we got our room key, we went up to our room on the second floor.

“I’m going to go get a snack from the machine,” I told Lydia once Allison was in the shower.

She nodded. “Sounds good. I’m going to the lobby. There must be something we can do about these towels that reek of nicotine.”

Grabbing a couple one’s from my wallet, I made my way down the hall to the vending machine where I ran into Boyd and Stiles. As I approached, I could hear Stiles trying to talk to an unresponsive Boyd, who subsequently punched a hole through the glass of the machine, grab his snack that the machine refused to give him, and walk away.

“What the hell was that?” I asked Stiles as I walked up next to him.

He shrugged. “I don’t really know, to be honest.” He reached into the machine to grab his snack and tossed one to me as well.

When I got back to my room, a shaken Allison and Lydia were hurriedly talking about something. “Oh, y/n! You’re back. You won’t believe what just happened…” Allison started

She recounted the story of Scott’s bizarre behavior in the bathroom, and Lydia filled me in on the counter that they have at the front desk. “Can you imagine having a counter for the number of suicides that take place in your hotel? Crazy,” Lydia said. Taking her phone out, she sent a quick text to Stiles telling him that we all needed to talk.

We met him in the hallway a couple minutes later. “What was the text for?” Stiles asked when he saw our little gathering.

“There’s something going on with all the…” she looked over at me before continuing, “guys. You know, Scott, Boyd, Isaac, probably Ethan too.” I tried to connect the dots between all of them, but I didn’t really know what they all had in common. Scott and Isaac were both on the lacrosse team, but from what I could tell they didn’t have a particular fondness for each other or Ethan.

“I think someone’s going to die tonight,” Lydia said decisively.

“Why do you think that?” I asked, but it seemed like I was the only one questioning her line of reason.

She shook her head slowly. “I just...have a feeling.” After a moment of silence, she told us about hearing something from the room next to ours through the vent, so we decided to investigate it. Room 217 seemed empty and locked, but all of a sudden we heard the sound of a saw from behind the door.

Stiles busted the door open, and we opened it to find Ethan turning the saw on himself. “Ethan, stop!” I yelled as we ran into the room. Stiles started wrestling him for the saw, but luckily Lydia saw where it was plugged into the wall and unplugged it.

The next thing that happened was completely unexpected to me. Ethan grew fangs and claws, his eyes blazing red. What the fu–

Allison and Lydia rushed forward, wrestling his claws away from his torso where he had been planning on slashing himself. In the struggle he fell on the space heater, which apparently brought him out of whatever state he was in. He ran out of the room soon after. When we tried to question him about what he was doing, he couldn’t answer us. He had been out of control, and it made Allison realize we were forgetting someone.

“Where’s Scott?” She asked suddenly. When no one could answer, we all decided to split up – I’d go with Allison to look for Scott while Stiles and Lydia went to find Boyd and Isaac.

Scott wasn’t in his room. Allison and I ran all over the motel, looking in every crevice. At last, we decided to check the school bus, and that’s where we saw him. Standing drenched in gasoline, a flare lit up in his hand.

“Scott…” I approached quietly, careful to not make any sudden movements.

It was then that Stiles and Lydia joined us. I watched as Stiles walked into the gasoline, my breath catching in my throat as he nearly sacrificed himself. Scott was talking, but I didn’t really understand what it meant. He said that his life was better before the bite.

Stiles eventually talked Scott down, but the flare rolled into the gasoline. Luckily, Lydia was able to make sure we had all gotten out of the way. I’d ended up next to Stiles on the ground, and though we made eye contact, no words were spoken.

We spent the night in the bus because none of us could bear the thought of spending another second in that cursed place. Coach woke us up in the morning, definitely thinking the worst about what we may have gotten ourselves into, but whatever he was thinking wouldn’t possibly compare to reality. What was reality? I couldn’t have really told you at that point. I didn’t understand what we’d just lived through.

Before the other students started loading onto the bus, Stiles slid into the empty space next to me. “y/n, you know that all of this,” he made a grand gesture to Scott and the others as well as the motel, “is off the record. You can’t tell anyone about this. About what happened.” I held eye contact with him for a moment before nodding. “I wouldn’t tell anyone. To be honest, I don’t even really know what I would tell people, but I wouldn’t.” He nodded, a sad smile on his face as he looked down and fidgeted with his hands. “But Stiles,” I said as he looked back up at me. “Please help me understand it all. You can trust me, I promise, I just want to understand. I want to help.”

With a deep sigh, Stiles nodded once more. “Okay. I’ll tell you everything.”

When Stiles said he’d fill me in on everything, I didn’t realize he meant everything. I couldn’t believe how oblivious I had been to everything that had happened in the past year. Sure, I knew something weird was going on, but how was I supposed to know it was supernatural?

Finding out that my little corner of the world, little old Beacon Hills, California, had werewolves (and a kanima, pack of alphas, and whatever the hell a Darach was) was a lot to process. It was unbelievable, but Stiles helped me believe it.

I could tell that he didn’t fully trust me though. There was something in the way he looked at me that told me he was wondering when I would be done with my source acquisition and I’d write the next big exposé: Supernatural Beacon Hills: How Werewolves Have Been Hiding In Plain Sight. I didn’t know how to assure him that I was on their side and wouldn’t expose their secrets.

As the year progressed, things simultaneously made more sense and less sense. To defeat the Darach, we had to perform a sacrifice for the parents that had abducted, and Deaton – the veterinarian that had taken care of every family pet we’d ever had – told me I had to hold Stiles down during it. He said we had some sort of connection, but I guess that’s what mutual loathing does to people.

In the end, we won. We beat the Darach, the alpha of the alphas Deucalion left, and Scott became an alpha himself. But it was still just the beginning.

The sacrifice did something to Scott, Stiles, and Allison that we didn’t fully understand. Deaton said they left a door open, which only made it harder for Stiles to trust me because he could barely trust himself.

Knowing about the supernatural didn’t preclude my other responsibilities though. I still wrote for the Daily Beacon, much to Stiles’ displeasure, but I enjoyed it. So, on the first day of school I interviewed our newest faculty member – Mr. Yukimura. He and his family had just moved from New York, and his daughter Kira was in our grade. She was nice, but shy, so I invited her to have lunch with us.

Surprisingly, Kira jumped right into the conversation at lunch by mentioning bardo, the Buddhist concept of being in an in-between state.

After lunch, I caught up with Allison to walk to our next class. “Hey, Allison, could I ask you a favor?”

“Of course! What’s up?”

“Well, I don’t really know how to ask this but...I need help learning to defend myself, I guess? It’s just that I’m going to be helping you guys now, and I actually want to be helpful, so I want to protect myself so you guys don’t have to worry about me,” I admitted.

Allison smiled softly. “I’d love to help.” I returned her smile, suddenly giddy, yet nervous. “But, I think you should know that my...aim...has been off since the sacrifice.”

I could hear the disappointment in her voice. “Nonsense, I’m sure that you’re still the best shot in this school.” She shook her head. “It’s never been this bad.”

Touching her arm lightly, I gave her a reassuring smile. “We’ll figure it out together.”

A few days later, I was surprised when I was paid a visit by both Scott and Stiles while I was sitting in the library. “To what do I owe this pleasure, boys?”

“We need your help.” I perked up at Scott’s statement. “We’re trying to solve the Tate case, you know, the one where Malia Tate disappeared all those years ago after that car accident, and we could use your help tracking her down.” He looked over at Stiles and nudged him with his elbow.

“And, you can write a piece about it. Not including all the details, if what we think happened is true, but you can still write something factual,” Stiles said, still displeased that I was writing for the newspaper.

To annoy Stiles, I acted like I was really thinking about it for a minute, but then laughed lightly. “Yeah, I’ll help you guys. Where do we start?”

Pull yourself together, y/n. You’re a journalist. You’re supposed to report on tragedy all the time. Be objective.

I took a deep breath and wrote the first line for what would be the cover story of the next Daily Beacon issue.

Junior Allison Argent, 17, died in an unfortunate carjacking incident last fall.

Before I could write any more, I got a phone call from Stiles.

Oh, thank god. “Stiles?”

“Do you want to come with us to Mexico?” He blurted out.

I couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled from my chest. “What? Mexico? Why? When–”

“Tomorrow.”

“Stiles, are you insane? Even if I wanted to, there’s no way my parents would ever let me go.”

“We’re all telling our parents we’re going camping, if that helps at all,” he said with what seemed like a hint of disappointment in his voice.

I was quiet for a minute, but my mind was already made up. “Why? And who exactly is going?”

“Scott, Lydia, Kira, Malia, and I have to visit some hunters and see what they know about Derek being missing.”

As soon as he mentioned Malia, my mouth started curling into a frown. It’s not that I disliked the werecoyote, it’s just that she and Stiles had been pretty full on since they hooked up at Eichen and started dating. I wasn’t jealous – though I’m sure Lydia would argue otherwise since she’s convinced I like him or something – just...weirded out by their relationship.

I sighed. “I want to help, but I really can’t tomorrow. School starts back up in a couple days, and I need to finish this elegy for Allison and come up with a bunch of assignments for the staff writers…” I trailed off, thinking about all that I had to do before the coming week.

“Oh yeah, I forgot. Ms. Editor-in-chief over here has a life outside of us,” Stiles joked.

Andrew graduated at the end of last year and left his glittering empire to me, though suddenly I felt overwhelmed at the prospect of running a newspaper while being way too involved in the town’s supernatural endeavors. It didn’t bother me last semester, but after Allison…

“I’ll just see you guys when you get back, okay?” I told Stiles. He made an unintelligible noise of agreement. “And try not to let anyone get killed.” “Yes, mom,” Stiles said sarcastically. I could almost hear the smirk in his voice.

When the pack got back, I was surprised by the events that had taken place. “What do you mean it’s a young version of Derek?”

A few days later, I had to cover the spring lacrosse tryouts. Though I wanted to assign it to someone else, I had to do it myself because everyone was busy with the assignments I had given them.

To my surprise, a new freshman, Liam Dunbar, showed everyone up at tryouts – even Scott. I took note of how he seemed almost athletically superior to everyone, and I wondered if he was supernatural.

“He’s human, I’m sure of it,” Scott said as he came up next to where I was sitting on the bleachers, scaring me out of my mind in the process.

“Jeez, Scott. A little warning next time would be nice. But how do you know?”

He shrugged. “I can just tell. He’s just a really great athlete.”

“He’s going to be a great pain in my ass, I can tell,” Stiles said, sidling up next to Scott.

I took note of their reactions, writing down Scott’s comment – about being a great athlete, not human – to consider while writing my piece.

“Oh no, don’t tell me you’re writing a story about him,” Stiles groaned.

“You know I have to write one about the tryouts, and he just happens to be the star player of today,” I told him. “Sorry, Scott.”

Scott waved me off, but Stiles was still upset about the situation. “No, don’t give him the ego boost! He’s already a little shit, and an article about him would make it worse.”

Taking a break from my note-taking, I looked over at the brown-haired boy. “Stiles, have you even talked to him?”

He looked at a loss for words. “N-not really...but I can see his arrogance from a mile away!”

I rolled my eyes. “Well then, if you’d excuse me, I’m going to write up a fantastic story about a talented up-and-coming lacrosse player.”

The article became the next issue’s front page, but I almost wished I hadn’t given him as much attention when Scott turned him into his beta.

The rest of the year didn’t go as planned either, but isn’t junior year supposed to be everyone’s worst year?

As much as I liked helping out with the supernatural problems Scott and the rest of the pack were having, it was hard knowing about what was going on and not being able to write about it, especially when all of the mysterious killings started up. We eventually found out about the deadpool, but I could write about a kill list of Beacon Hills’ resident supernaturals, could I?

At the end of the year, I finally had to make the trip to Mexico with the rest of the pack. “Stiles, I’m going. You can’t stop me!” I attempted to open the passenger door of the jeep when he reached out and shut it from behind me.

“No, it’s going to be dangerous. We don’t even really know what we’re facing,” he tried reasoning with me. “I can protect myself,” I said, thinking of the training that Allison had given me. “Besides, I can’t just sit by and wait for you guys to come back. I need to try helping Scott.”

Realizing that I wasn’t going to back down, Stiles removed his hand from the side of the door and opened it for me. I nodded a quick thanks as I hopped into the vehicle.

I wasn’t expecting to fight Scott that day, but we all did in order to return him from his Berserker form. At the end of the fight, I had a few cuts and bruises, but nothing I couldn’t deal with.

As Derek drove away with Braedan, I could feel that things were changing. “I can’t write about any of this, can I?” I asked somewhat jokingly.

“Off the record,” Stiles replied from where he stood next to me.

“Stiles, what’s wrong?”

“Oh thank god, you remember me!” He said as he grabbed my hands. He’d been running down the hall frantically when I saw him.

I looked at him with concern on my face. “Yeah, of course I remember you? Why wouldn’t I–”

“y/n, it’s the Hunt. The Ghost Riders. I saw them, and now they’re coming for me.” He was breathing heavily, eyes sweeping the surroundings for signs of the Ghost Riders. His eyes locked on something to his left, but when I looked, I couldn’t see anything. “They’re here. We have to go,” he said, pulling me towards the parking lot. We got into his jeep, but he didn’t start the car. “Stiles, what are you doing?”

“It’s too late.” I could see the look of grief on his face. “No, don’t say that. It’s not–”

“It’s the truth,” he cut me off, turning to look at me. “Promise me you won’t forget.”

I shook my head. “I won’t. But Stiles, I can’t do this without you,” I could feel a tear escaping my eye and slipping down my cheek, my emotions getting the better of me.

Stiles reached forward and wiped the tear away before placing his hand on my cheek. “What do you mean? You’re one of the smartest, most inquisitive people I know. If I had to trust anyone to find a way to stop the Ghost Riders, it would be you.”

I couldn’t help but smile at his honesty. “Yeah right. Lydia will probably figure it out before me.”

He shook his head. “You can do it. I trust you.” I could tell there was more he wanted to say, but he turned to look at something through the window over his shoulder. “Can I tell you something? Off the record.”

I couldn’t help the laugh that escaped my mouth. “Yes, of course. What is it?”

He took a deep breath. “I don’t hate you. I know it may seem like I’ve never trusted you or that I don’t care about you, but it’s actually the opposite. I...really really like you,” he admitted.

I was stunned. Stiles likes me? He was searching my face for any indication of feelings as I sat there silently.

“Oh, shit,” Stiles mumbled. “Ok, forget I said that. Well, you won’t need to forget when you forget me in a minute–”

I cut off his rambling by placing my lips on his. They were warm and familiar, as if they were made for mine. “I like you too,” I mumbled when I disconnected, my eyes still closed from the interaction.

But when I opened them, I was alone in the baby blue jeep.

All semester, I’d felt that something was missing, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. Or who it was.

But after months of searching for it, we finally figured it out. Lydia had gone into a banshee trance to discover the word “Stiles,” and it brought back vague memories for me when I heard it. The feeling of soft flannel. A sarcastic laugh. Red string around my finger. A hefty wooden baseball bat.

The collection of memories made sense when we all finally got our memories back and remembered the person we were missing from our lives.

We traced the trail of clues to the sewers, where Scott tried to bring back Stiles because of their brotherly love for one another. I thought it would work, but the portal closed and Stiles hadn’t appeared. Come on, Stiles. Where are you?

We had to fight the Ghost Riders off, making sure they didn’t turn our beloved Beacon Hills into another ghost town. I’d run into the high school, looking for something to use as a weapon when I ran into someone in the hall. A tall, brown-haired figure wearing a flannel shirt. “Stiles?”

He turned, and smiles emerged on both of our faces. I broke into a run again, right into his arms. “I can’t believe you’re here. You’re really here.” I mumbled, the sound muffled against his shirt.

“I knew you could do it,” he said.

I pulled back slightly and looked up at his face, suddenly nervous. “That night in the jeep...did you hear what I told you before you disappeared?”

A soft smile rested on his face. “Of course I did. It was the one thing that kept me going, especially when I was stuck with Peter.”

“Peter Hale? Why the hell were you with Peter Hale?”

Stiles shook his head. “We can go over that later. For now, there’s one thing I’ve been wanting to do.” I was a little confused, but I understood once he leaned in and connected our lips.

This is what I’d been missing, and I was never going to let it go again.

I watched from afar as Stiles gave his trusty baseball bat to Mason, who didn’t seem to appreciate the hunk of wood.

“Have you told him yet?” Lydia asked as she appeared next to me.

I shook my head. “We haven’t really had time to talk about that stuff. I think he doesn’t really want to think about it just yet and what that might mean for us.”

She nudged me with her elbow, silently telling me to go over there and talk to him. Rolling my eyes, I walked towards the familiar blue jeep and familiar mess of brown hair.

Liam and Mason had already walked away, and Scott and Stiles were standing and talking at the jeep’s trunk. “Hey, y/n. I’m just heading out, but I’ll see you guys later,” Scott said as I came up and Stiles threw his arm around me.

We waved as Scott left, and Stiles pulled me closer. “Hey,” he said, looking down at me with an affectionate expression.

I pulled him over so we could sit in the open trunk. “We need to talk.” I could see the panic flare up in his eyes.

“Oh, um, okay? Is everything okay?”

Chuckling lightly, I nodded. “Yeah, we just haven’t talked about college at all,” I explained.

His head dropped. “Yeah, I know. I just don’t want it to ruin what we have here, and I don’t even know what life will be like outside of Beacon Hills, and I feel like we just got together and now–”

“Stiles,” I cut him off. “I’m going to GW too.”

His eyes widened at my confession. “You...you’re going to GW?”

I nodded, a small smile on my lips. “I committed a while ago. I’m going to study journalism there.”

I watched as a smile spread across his face. Then, it was replaced by a quick smirk. “Oh great, you’re following me there, huh? I just can’t seem to get rid of you.”

I shrugged. “What can I say? I’m going to need someone to give me the inside scoop on the FBI’s antics.”

He looked pensive for a moment. “I think what you’re describing is illegal.”

“Not if it’s in the public’s interest. But maybe it just needs to be off the record,” I admitted. Stiles laughed. “Oh, it’s definitely going to be off the record.”

#stiles stilinski #teen wolf #stiles stilinski fic #stiles stilinski x reader #scott mccall #lydia martin #allison argent #hot take: scott should have brought back stiles in 6b not lydia #teen wolf fanfiction #stiles stilinski imagine #stiles stilinski one shot #dylan obrien #isaac lahey #dylan o'brien

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pascalsky · 4 years ago

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Pedro Pascal is flying high on The Mandalorian, but defining success by his earthly bonds

The Wonder Woman 1984 and The Mandalorian star is one of EW's Entertainers of the Year.

Human connection. It’s vital. Especially in a year like 2020. Especially for Pedro Pascal. So it’s ironic that the 45-year-old’s highest-profile success to date is working with an adorable animatronic puppet, inside a chrome helmet he famously can’t take off. "It is why I wanted to do this show. Selfishly, I knew [the Child, a.k.a. Baby Yoda] was likely to make people fall in love with the show," says Pascal of tackling the title role on The Mandalorian, the Emmy-nominated hit Star Wars series, which returned for its second season on Disney+ in October.

The Chilean-American actor has an eye for choosing projects where he’ll stand out, from popular network procedurals including The Good Wife, The Mentalist, and Law & Order to his breakout roles as the charming — and horny — Oberyn Martell on Game of Thrones and, soon after, DEA agent Javier Peña on Netflix’s Narcos. But it’s the stoic bounty hunter safeguarding a frog-egg-eating 50-year-old toddler that’s made him a household name. The new season of The Mandalorian followed Pascal’s galaxy-traveling warrior as he searched for the home of the Child, generating countless memes in the process.

Playing the Mandalorian has been one of the hardest and most unique experiences of Pascal's career to date. At this point, it's no secret that he wasn't physically under the helmet as much as he would've liked in season 1 and recorded his dialogue in post-production to match what his doubles, stunt actors Brendan Wayne and Lateef Crowder, did on set in the armor. Giving a largely vocal performance was a challenge for a physical actor like Pascal, who is almost unrecognizable when you compare his turns on The Good Wife and Game of Thrones, for example, because of how he carries himself. Yet, being on set way more in The Mandalorian season 2 didn't make his job any easier because he still had to figure how to make Mando compelling while also being as economical as possible in his physical movements and vocal performance.

"I'm not even sure if I would be able to do it if it weren't for the amount of direct experience that I've had with being on stage to understand how to posture yourself, how to physically frame yourself into something and to tell a story with a gesture, with a stance, or with very, very specific vocal intonation," says Pascal, who believes his collaborative relationship with creator Jon Favreau and executive producer Dave Filoni, a.k.a. his "Mandalorian papas," also helped him inhabit the role in season 2.

Speaking of collaboration: Working with comedian Amy Sedaris, who plays gruff Tatooine mechanic Peli Motto, was one of the highlights of The Mandalorian’s sophomore season. “I followed Amy Sedaris around like a puppy. [I was] like, ‘Hey again. I’m not leaving your side until you wrap,’ and she’s like, ‘Cool,’” Pascal says. “I love the Child — it really is adorable — and it is so fascinating to see it work, but somebody who makes you spit-laugh right into your helmet will always be my favorite thing."

Pascal longed for those kinds of interactions during quarantine, which proved difficult for the actor who was living alone in Los Angeles. But he lights up, is even giddy at times, when the conversation turns to bonding with the Community cast right before a charity table read back in May (he filled in for Walton Goggins), or FaceTiming his friends to celebrate Joe Biden and Kamala Harris' election victory on Nov. 7. "Ahhhh! Ahhhh!" Pascal exclaims, reenacting the joyous calls with buddies like Oscar Isaac that Saturday morning. "It was screaming and jumping and dancing and crying…. I very arrogantly took screenshots of everything and [shared them], like, 'I am a part of this!'”

"I'd be less nervous playing tennis in front of the Obamas than I was seeing a reunion of these people that I think are brilliant and have this incredible chemistry with each other and stepping in and having really, really, bad technology in this new space that I had moved into. I really resented having to actually participate acting-wise because there were instances where it was way too much fun to watch."

- PEDRO PASCAL ON SHOOTING THE COMMUNITY TABLE READ.

His appreciation for those around him has only grown during the pandemic. Before flying to Budapest to film The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent with Nicholas Cage, Pascal leaned on his bubble for support. Community's Gillian Jacobs, for example, hosted him for an outdoor socially distanced pizza night every Saturday in the early weeks of lockdown. (He suspects that's why he was recruited for the sitcom's table read when Goggins couldn't participate.) "The friends that got me through it are absolutely everything to me and very beautifully marked in my head. I've got old friends and new friends that literally did nothing short of parent me through the experience," says Pascal, who has "survivor's remorse" for being in Europe right now. "I feel guilty not being [in the States] with my friends through [this tumultuous time] but also grateful that, individually, I was able to gain a little bit of separation from the stress of it."

Those tight bonds helped redefine, or at least clarify, what success means to him. "I want to make sure that my relationships are right, and I want to make sure I'm nurturing meaning in a sustaining way, and that won't necessarily be related to getting good jobs and making lots of money," he says. But he'll take them — as he did for both of his 2020 projects, about which he's thrilled. And how could he not be, starring in two of the year's most feverishly anticipated properties?

Besides The Mandalorian, Pascal appears in Patty Jenkins' superhero epic Wonder Woman 1984, which has endured a Homeric journey to its release (read: several pandemic-related delays). Thankfully, the odyssey is almost over because Warner Bros. recently confirmed that it will open in both theaters and on HBO Max on Dec. 25. Pascal is stoked audiences will finally see his turn as the villainous Maxwell Lord because playing the greedy dream-seller pushed him out of his post-Game of Thrones action role comfort zone.

"With Wonder Woman, [Gal Gadot and Kristen Wiig] are doing the action, baby, and I'm doing the schm-acting!" he says, hilariously elongating that final syllable. "I am hamming it up!" (Indeed, Pascal reveals Cage inspired his performance in one particular scene.)

But Pascal felt he was up to the challenge because everything he needed was right there in the screenplay, which Jenkins co-wrote with Geoff Johns and David Callaham. "I didn't have to take something and figure out how to put more flesh onto it. I had to achieve getting into the skin of what was being presented to me," he says, contrasting the experience with playing a DEA agent for three seasons on Narcos. "For me, Colombia was almost the central character, and then I was allowed to make him depressive and to tonally interpret what the character was. And in this case [on Wonder Woman 1984], there was just so much for me to meet rather than to invent."

He continues: "That was an incredible delight and challenge because Patty Jenkins is a director who loves actors and when she sees she can ask for more, she does. And there isn't anyone better, in my experience, to give more to."

In 2021, he rejoins the good guys as an aging superhero and father in Robert Rodriguez's kid-friendly Netflix drama We Can Be Heroes. The inherent optimism of the Netflix film's title also complements Pascal's hope for the new year. Says Pascal, ”If [fear] can take a little bit of a backseat and not be the main character in everybody’s life, that would be great.”

SOURCE

#omg he looks so damn good #entertainment weekly #pedro pascal #the mandalorian #din djarin #max lord #maxwell lord #wonder women 1984 #ww1984 #oberyn martell #prince oberyn #the unbearable weight of massive talent #javier pena #narcos #javi gutierrez #we can be heroes #marcus moreno

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michyreadsthenwrites · 3 years ago

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Plain Bad Heroines - Let Me Give You My Thoughts On This (Character Analysis)

**major maaaaajor spoilers ahead**

(Here we begin with the handful of characters from Danforth’s sophomore novel that have found their way into my heart and apparently, this Word document. It didn’t hurt that they were all women that love women. And I mean, they really loved women.)

· Merritt Emmons is easily my favorite character. She’s got that dry, sarcastic humor and air around her that makes it really easy to love her and hate her guts all at the same time. (If she were here, she’d tell us that this was a talent, not a flaw.) I felt personally affronted when characters in PBH didn’t like Merritt, like they were overlooking the diamond in the rough right in front of their faces. Then, like most things, it became pretty clear: Merritt Emmons could be one hell of a bitch at times. But it really only made me love her more. I realized that I identified with her. Yes, about being a queer woman that really fucking loves other women, but also because she was a writer that wanted her writing to stay true to how she wrote it, especially with so many people traipsing all over it and trying to make it into something it’s not. That was where I realized I loved her early on; when she pitched a genuine fit over who was to play Clara Broward. It was something so petty and childish, something so very me to throw a fit in a packed room of professionals when you have no idea about that kind of world and what it demands. But she fought for what she believed in, alright. Until she didn’t. This made me love her some more, incidentally. We got to see Merritt’s character development throughout the novel, and more specifically, we got to watch her bounce back and forth between the person she was too scared to be but wanted more than she could ever admit, and the person she spent twenty long years being; the person she was oh-so-tired of introducing to people. This constant shift between new-Merritt and old, crabby, prickly-Merritt was a very raw and vulnerable thing for us to experience as an audience. Merritt was certainly a lot more refreshing than every one of the overdone-Hollywood-types we became acquainted with within the book. She was mean and arrogant and wildly insecure, yet somehow confident and sure of herself, when it came to her work or her knowledge or anything that had to do with any book written, ever. A walking paradox, that one. Merritt was a good way to remember that real people, not built-and-put-together-by-Hollywood-people don’t always have their shit together, and they can’t always get it together by the end of a novel, albeit a long, six-hundred-page one. I think I’ll cut myself off here, friends. Not that I want to, but I feel we have a lot to get to in these pages, and Merritt Emmons can’t be the star of all of them (lord knows I’d let her, though). To sum it up: Merritt Emmons was the star of this book, for me at least. And I hope for you too. (This means go get your ass over to your closest B&N and buy the damn thing).

· Harper Harper is somewhat of a mystery to me. She was a major character in the story, as well as one of our three protagonists, our three heroines, and yet I have trouble finding her as authentic and outlandish as she tries to come across. What I’m still having trouble deciphering is if this is an intentional character flaw created by our Miss Danforth, or if Harper Harper really has nothing to her besides being completely reinvented and marketed by Hollywood. Even in saying this, I know I have to give Harper credit where it’s due. She’s a proud queer woman in the movie industry, as well as openly queer online and really with just anyone and everyone she meets. She’s known for various flings and love-interests of the week, which is still a gross misrepresentation and stereotype of (masc?) lesbians and how they’re emotionally unavailable and unfaithful, which again is a possibility of the author’s intentional writing, something that we can leave for further discussion. We do get a bit of a glimpse into Harper’s life – her real-life – about how her mother is struggling with her sobriety, how her little brother seems to be caught in the middle of her mother’s messy relationships, and how she really has mixed feelings about how she fits into her new movie-star life. That’s about all we get from Harper, though. And it really is almost enough realness to take away from the fact that everyone else in the world sees Harper as the face of Hollywood, as this thing of beauty and money and badassery instead of a real person. But still not enough. And I could be wrong, friends. I could be pulling all of this out of my ass because Harper Harper is a badass queer woman that took over the movie industry with barely any experience under her belt. Harper Harper took every room she walked into by storm, and she made everybody pay attention to her, and she became the character we had a little crush on, simply because she was that big of a deal. But nothing of substance, not really. Not ever. But perhaps she had been her most real self with Merritt Emmons, in between the quiet pages that we didn’t get to read entirely. Merritt, our dry and arrogant and favorite heroine, had been Harper’s favorite, too. The most credit that I find myself giving Harper is her aid in Merritt’s character development. She brought Merritt out of her shell in a massive way, though at times she did have a hand in driving her back into the said shell. It was flawed, their relationship, which is another authentic Harper Harper insight we saw, as little of it there was. They were hot and cold, on and off, but always so enthralled with each other. And while Harper seemed to have had an impact on Merritt (among other factors), it doesn’t seem like Merritt had the same effect on Harper. I could be wrong and do feel free to correct me, friends, but Harper Harper did not come out the other end of PBH a changed woman. She was not burdened with the weight of a life-changing revelation. She was Harper Harper, as she always was, floating and untouchable, the kind of woman you wished to know, maybe to be, but also the kind you see right through. They’re transparent, friends, that’s what I’m trying to get at here. And they tend to stay that way. And I realize as I’m nearing the end of this, that I sound harsh in my critiques and analysis of Harper. I don’t mean to come off that way, friends, I really don’t. The truth is I love Harper, she’s everything we wish we could be. She’s gorgeous and sought after, can land any girl she wants with the bat of her eyelashes and a lazy smile. But you have to remember, she’s everything we’re not. I can only speak for myself, friends, and I encourage you to speak for yourselves if you find you have anything to add. I never related with Harper the way I did with Merritt’s character, but that doesn’t mean that Harper isn’t a beautiful enigma waiting to be unwrapped. I just don’t happen to be the kind of reader that would know where to begin unwrapping her, if that makes sense. And because I’m afraid it doesn’t, I do believe it’s time to stop with the metaphors and wrap this up nicely for you, friends: Harper Harper is number two on my list of favorite characters from PBH, and that is not something done lightly or by accident. She was one of our three heroines, after all. And a proper heroine she was, friends. Don’t you ever forget it.

· Libbie Packard broke my heart more times than I count, friends. You’ll notice I have kept her maiden name, then. This is intentional, friends, for our Libbie never wanted to be a Brookhants, not really. It wasn’t towards the end of PBH that we learned much of what we now know about Libbie, and how it came about that she had been married (to a man no less!), as well as the very young principal of an all-girls school. Throughout their chapters in the book, Libbie and Alex, her Alex, were seemingly at each other’s throats constantly. There seemed to be a mysterious tension that we as an audience weren’t privy to – but it didn’t stop us from speculating. I found myself drawn to Libbie more than I did her counterpart, and I still can’t point my finger as to why. Libbie seemed sad, right from our first introduction, and Alex always seemed angry and cynical (as a queer woman in 1902, is there any other way to seem?). This might serve as a dual character analysis yet, friends. I’m not sure how much I’ll have to say about our Alexandra Trills, but Libbie Packard deserves a long sentence, or two. You know when something finally clicks into place and you can’t help but just let out a long “ooohhhhhhh”? That’s a recreation of how I looked when I read the explanation of how Libbie Packard became Libbie Brookhants. Learning that she had become pregnant with a baby she didn’t want was mind-blowing enough, and it filled in the blanks of how young, gorgeous Libbie had become the wife of a rich, old, old man. Libbie gave up her child was because she didn’t want to be a mother, and she had originally rejected Harold Brookhants offer of marriage because she didn’t want to be a wife, regardless of false the marriage was. And for a while, Libbie’s new life was amazing; she got to live with her Alex in a beautiful house and became the principal of a promising school. This was the life she’d always wanted. Or was that just what we wanted to believe, friends? Only at the end did we learn that Libbie had rejected Harold Brookhants offer (to live a quiet, queer life with her lover and without the child she clearly didn’t want) because she didn’t want to be tied down; not to Harold, not to anyone. If you think about it, friends, this was exactly the life that she had been living for years to come now. The tension with Alex had much to do with the circumstances surrounding them at Brookhants and the evil that was unfolding before them, but it seemingly had even more to do with the fact that Libbie Packard felt smothered. She was hiding secrets from Alex, secrets that she felt could destroy this already fragile relationship that they had between them. How vastly different it was to read and experience their relationship at the beginning of their love; playful and full of joy, both women giddy with the promise of something new and exciting. To compare that kind of love to the broken, tight-lipped, empty vessel of the relationship they now pretend to have is heartbreaking. And yet, completely understandable. Alex had fallen in love with the Libbie she wanted her to be, not the Libbie she was. Our Libbie wanted to be eternally young; playful and happy, bouncing from city to city with Sara Dahlgren in a sea of eligible bachelors (and bachelorettes!). It was almost a shock to discover that this life Libbie tried so hard to defend and protect was not a life she had ever wanted for herself. Despite this, she loved her Alex and her students, and devoted her life to them. There was that whole business with cheating on Alex with Adelaide the housemaid (don’t even get me started on that broad) but I’d like to extend to you, friends, the fact that I won’t comment on this. Queer relationships in 1902 are definitely not what they are now, complete with century-old curses and dead schoolgirls. Libbie Packard became the 1902-lesbian-headmistress version of our stereotypical bored housewife, stuck in a marriage that she secretly wishes she could be free from. And my heart broke for her, friends, it really did. But she was a heroine all on her own. A deeply intelligent and remarkable woman. Make no mistake, friends. Libbie Packard and Libbie Brookhants differ by more than just a surname. Our young, vivacious Libbie disappeared the moment she accepted Harold Brookhants’ offer, and this is indeed the sad truth of it, friends: Libbie Packard was gone before she could ever find herself. But Libbie Brookhants was our gorgeous, brilliant, queer heroine that never got what she deserved. So, friends, let’s all have a moment of silence for our dearly departed Libbie Brookhants… wherever she is.

· Alexandra Trills is a character that I don’t know where to begin with. Her end is not one that I saw coming, at least not in the gruesome and deranged circumstances that came to surround it. Or maybe, friends, I just didn’t want to acknowledge the clear downwards spiral that our Miss Trills had seemed to be heading towards. Her steadfast and growing obsession with the death of Florence Hartshorn and Clara Broward was apparent in every page we turned, and the following death of Eleanor Faderman did not aid in absolving Alex of her obsession with the one, single copy of a book they had all possessed at one point: The Story of Mary McLane. Alex grew hysterical in her investigation of the novel and whatever evil she believed it had brought to the students of her school. I remember feeling a bit hysterical myself at times, following along with Alex’s scrambled train of thought that never seemed to find a place to stop. She was right, you know, my friends. And now what does she have to show for it? A gruesome death and an eternity of haunting the same grounds, day in and day out? I may not have liked her, and felt like she had been the reason Libbie was so unhappy and stuck in a life that she did not want, but the way Alex’s story had ended really did take me by surprise and break my heart. She deserved a better ending than what she got; she deserved to reconcile and fix her strained relationship with Libbie. Damn it, they deserved to live quiet, happy lives with each other. Neither of them got the endings that they deserved, and God, did they deserve plenty. This, friends, is the hill I choose to die on tonight.

Alright, friends, this is it for my character analysis of Emily Danforth’s Plain Bad Heroines! I have a special place in my heart for book characters that you can relate with (or characters that just really make you love them). The way that Emily Danforth brought our heroines to life was remarkable and highly impressive (I say this because it’s decidedly been a while since any book character(s) have weaseled their fictional way into my little heart). It’s rare that I give a book five stars (check out my Goodreads reviews) (oh god, please don’t), and yet halfway through PBH, I knew that this book deserved it. Good book characters are the ones that stick with you long after you’ve closed the book on them, and our heroines are stuck with me. And believe me, friends, I’m certainly not complaining.

#plain bad heroines #emily danforth #book review #book reviews #character analysis #books #literature #lgbtq #wlw #queer #writing blog

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joshwylie · 4 years ago

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Why I Call Myself Wylie

Prologue:

I'm going to write a book. No, I AM writing a book, I'm going to do it here. With all of you watching and inexorably judging. I've made a decision. Don't much like discussing decisions like this, but announcing the decision is how the story begins because we're all just fuckin' wingin' it here anyhow...

Was first inspired at 12 years of age to do this after reading my first adult novel, Stephen King's "Misery". Which btw (and there will likely be a lot of those to come, fair warning) was a movie I was elated to see become a reality and that's when I fell in love with Kathy Bates and good acting for that matter. But I digress...I got praise from a young age for my language skills, and was a particularly adept speller, which I was proud of. Growing up with more of a punishment system that included a myriad of traumas, any reward for me meant that I cherished this praise and it being something that came naturally to me made it especially meaningful. The title of this mini-novel (300 pages or so in a small sized journal-about 2/3s the size of a standard piece of paper) was "Flesh and Blood". Beyond dramatic, I was hyperbolic from the get-go. It was a story of a girl who finds out she was adopted and then to deepen the mystery she uncovers that she was actually bought by her parents and stolen from her biological mother and father. Thinking of it now, writing a child trafficking novel at age 12 is pretty wild, which will be a recurring theme as we go, shit gets wild.

My book begins now. I mean, why not right here right now? Nothing is stopping me except for my self.

There was a sequel btw. At the ripe old age of a decade and a half I wrote on standard sized paper this time for a more professional approach and got nearly finished. Around 300 handwritten pages, getting close to proper novel size at this point. Then I hit a wall. Writer's block. It was what I understand now to be called c"imposter's syndrome". A sophomore high school, no longer a virgin but fully awkward and weird I was lacking any semblance of self-confidence. Plus, there were all of these beautifully, poetically written books I was being exposed to that were now called "literature". Being strangely pragmatic, and pragmatic yet in strange ways, I found myself rather than being inspired by this feeling profoundly incapable, impotent. There was no way I'd ever be a "great", hell, there was no way in my mind at that point I'd even become a "real" writer. Not with my overuse of the word "I" and my overuse of quotations and general lack of respect for grammar. Not being this odd and all. And awkward, I mentioned awkward right? Cause that's another recurring theme you'll find as we go forward. Shit gets awkward. That is, if we go forward. We're all going forward whether we like it or not, really, kicking and screaming if necessary. Do we not?

-Oh, and it's an autobiography, and I have zero plans for structure or timelines. This could considered an artistic exercise or a "rough draft" if you will. I don't know if it will even be fit to publish and I don't even care. Maybe it's not destiny to be a legend of the written word for this fella, maybe I am not a talented enough writer to write a "good" book, but there is one book only I can write. Mine.

So there we have it then. A beginning again. Again. Don't know what I'm doing, but then again who really does deep down inside? Hope you'll continue alongside this adventure anyhow, my friends. Stay Bright and Shining!

#lifestory #story #personal #why I call myself wylie

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swanlake1998 · 4 years ago

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Article: Where Are All the Women Ballet Choreographers?

Date: May 5, 2021

By: Chloe Angyal

Claudia Schreier choreographed her first dance, a solo for her summer camp talent show, when she was twelve years old. In her sophomore year of high school, she did it again, choreographing a pas de deux for herself and her best friend, Kaitlyn, which they danced as the school orchestra played music from Swan Lake. The year after that she made a solo and performed it with the accompaniment of the school jazz band. By college, she was making ballets not just for herself and her best friends but for larger groups of dancers, and they consisted of a mix of classical and contemporary movement that reflected her own training.

Schreier, who grew up in Stamford, Connecticut, with a Jamaican mother and a white Jewish father, remembers feeling a compulsion to move to music when she was a child.

“My parents will tell stories of when we were growing up, it’d be time to sit down for dinner and I would be spinning in the kitchen,” she says. “I just was too restless to sit down. I’d be doing pirouettes by the dinner table.”

It’s a familiar story among dancers, but Schreier didn’t only want to move. “For me, it was beyond just the dancing,” she says. “It was the idea of wanting to create movement that felt like something outside of myself. That’s really what I remember the most, this compulsion to make movement and not just move.”

Schreier, thirty-four, is now a full-time choreographer, and has made ballets for Miami City Ballet, Dance Theatre of Harlem, the Joffrey Ballet, Atlanta Ballet, and American Ballet Theatre’s second company. Her path into ballet choreography, and her presence in it, are both unusual.

For one thing, Schreier was never a professional dancer. As a teenager, she was prone to injuries: bone spurs that led to severe tendinitis in both ankles, problems with the ligaments in her shoulders, and repeated strains in her hip adductors. “PT was just a regular thing for me growing up,” she says, “and I think it was in large part due to the fact that I was trying to get my body to do things it was never meant to do.” Her knees didn’t straighten all the way, and she wanted hyperextended knees, the kind with a slight curve at the back of the leg to emphasize the opposite curve of the pointed foot.

“I was surrounded by long-legged ladies with hyperextended legs, high arches, flexible backs, arms on the right way,” she says, and she tried all kinds of tricks to make her body more like theirs. “I tried to bend my knees backwards, to make them hyperextended. And so I would put my knees through things that they should never be put through to try to elongate the lines I put myself through hell.”

By the time she was preparing to graduate from high school, it had become clear, she says, that she wasn’t meant to be a classical ballet dancer. Injuries aside, she’d been told over and over again that her body was wrong for ballet. Her feet didn’t point enough; her legs didn’t straighten enough; she had a swayback and, by ballet standards, a prominent backside. “It was always a point of reference or conversation” with her teachers, she remembers. “Always.”

But she loved classical ballet, even if it didn’t love her back. “I couldn’t imagine doing anything else.” When a teacher encouraged her to audition for the contemporary dance program at Juilliard, she was insulted. In hindsight, she concedes, she had no reason to be—it was an excellent program and she had very little contemporary training. “That’s something I would gladly take now and was not even remotely interested in at the time,” she says, “because to me it represented a failure on my part . . . a failure to achieve the look of the idealized ballet dancer.”

At the age of eighteen, Schreier stepped off the path that would have been mostly likely to lead to a career as a dancer: instead of enrolling in a college dance program or auditioning for full-time preprofessional ballet schools like Joffrey Ballet School, she enrolled at Harvard, where she could only minor in dance. She majored in sociology.

There isn’t much of a clear or formalized path to becoming a ballet choreographer, but to the extent that one exists, this is not it. Most ballet choreographers were once professional ballet dancers, usually full-time at a company, and sometimes that company is the first place where they are paid to make dances. After college, Schreier did go to work for a dance company, but in the office, not the studio. For seven years she worked in the marketing department at Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater, juggling a full-time arts administration job with what was, at the beginning at least, a side hustle in choreography.

Every spare second was devoted to choreographing and rehearsing a small company of dancers for performances of her work. “I would work during the day at my desk and then I would throw on my garbage pants and go downstairs to the studio and set [a] ballet until nine, ten o’clock at night, whatever it was,” she remembers. In her off-hours, she could use Ailey’s studio spaces at a discount, so she spent all of her paid vacation days in the same building where she’d usually go to work.

“I took my two weeks of rehearsal vacation to stay in the building,” she says. “I went back into my office building every day, putting on my other hat. [I’d go] past my coworkers and then take a left and go to the studio.” It was exhausting and unsustainable. “I was wearing myself out. I was waking up way too early, going home way too late. Every single lunch break, every free minute, every moment I had I was trying to split the difference.”

Choreographing, like all other creative pursuits, requires time and space. Rehearsing dances requires a very specific kind of space, and staging them requires another; neither of those spaces is free or even inexpensive, especially not in New York or other major cities. And of course, while choreography can be done alone, you will eventually require dancers, who need to be paid for their time and labor. Choreographing, like all creative pursuits, can start to look less like a career path and more like a luxury for those who have alternative sources of income or wealth.

After almost a decade of splitting the difference, well after her side hustle had become its own nearly full-time gig, Schreier received a choreography fellowship that allowed her to quit her office job and focus all of her energy on making dances. She had the time and the space she needed, as well as access to dancers, and didn’t have to maintain a full-time job in order to subsidize her art. At last, choreographing was no longer in the seams of her life but in the center of it.

Schreier is unusual not only because of her path from aspiring ballet choreographer to full-time dance maker. She’s also a woman of color in a line of work that has traditionally been inhospitable to women and to people of color. In the 2018–2019 season, 81 percent of the works performed by American ballet company companies were choreographed by men. Of the world premieres that were performed that same season, 65 percent were choreographed by men. New York City Ballet, one of the nation’s oldest ballet companies, has more than four hundred works in its repertory; only ten were choreographed or co-choreographed by Black artists.

In 2020, among companies that had installed resident choreographers—“one of the most secure opportunities for the otherwise freelance choreographer” because it provides “a steady salary, the possibility of benefits, a group of dancers with whom to workshop, time, access to set, costume, lighting designers and a regular audience”—76 percent of companies worldwide had a man in the position. In early 2020, Schreier was appointed to a three-year term as the resident choreographer for Atlanta Ballet.

The question of why there are so few women making dances for ballet companies is not a new one. In 2005, dance historian Lynn Garafola noted the dearth of women in the current ranks of ballet choreographers and also argued that the apparently slim contributions women have made over time were a matter not of fact but of historiography. It was not that women did not choreograph, she argued, but that they were barred from choreographing for the most prestigious ballet companies and theaters. And because of ballet’s fixation on the elite, those dances—and the women who made them—have largely been written out of ballet’s history.

“Viewing the ballet past as a succession of individuals of genius,” she wrote, “consigns most of ballet history to the dustbin. Yet it is here, in the now invisible crannies of the popular, the forgotten, and the second-rate, in the everyday chronicle of the ballet past as opposed to the selective chronicle of its most privileged institutions, that women made dances.” Garafola recounts finding traces of these women—Louise Virard, Adelina Gedda, Rita Papurello—almost by accident, calling them “turn-of-the-century ghosts . . . invisible to history although they had worked in the theater for years.”

In other cases, the dances women made have remained on record, but the women have not been credited for their contributions. Women have always choreographed, Garafola wrote, but theirs were rarely the names in the programs—or, because the programs were not printed for the most revered theaters in town, they were never saved and placed in an archive to be fished out and dusted off by dance historians who were writing the story of ballet.

Women, Garafola wrote, “were seldom entrusted with entire productions: indeed, because their choreography usually took the form of isolated dances within a larger work (dances, moreover, that they themselves often performed), their contribution rarely was acknowledged.” Instead, the story of ballet has been written as one in which women dance and men make dances. The dancers die, but the dances are written down, passed down in notation and in dancers’ bodies from one generation to the next, almost always with a man’s name attached to them. Men create ballets on women, but the women fade away. The ballets make the men immortal.

The disappearance of women’s choreographic contributions from the historical record means that women who aspire to make ballets don’t look like the “succession of individuals of genius” that come to mind when the ballet world collectively pictures a choreographer. That succession—Jules Perrot, Jean-Georges Noverre, Marius Petipa, Sergei Diaghilev, Kenneth MacMillan, Frederick Ashton, George Balanchine, and Jerome Robbins—is a centuries-long line of white men, with brief appearances by white women like Bronislava Nijinska and Agnes de Mille. Whether or not the mental image is historically ac- curate, this is what the ballet world thinks a choreographer looks like.

This bias adds yet another obstacle to the already hard road for aspiring women choreographers, even those who enjoy advantages Schreier did not. Even for white women who belong, or have belonged, to ballet companies, there are structural barriers to entry. The first will be unsurprising by now, given all we’ve learned about how girls and women are valued and trained in ballet. Choreography requires creativity; ballet teaches girls the importance of conformity. Choreographing requires finding and using your voice; ballet rewards girls and women for silence. Choreography is a form of leadership; ballet punishes girls and women who aren’t obedient. From their earliest days, girls in ballet learn that what is valuable about them is not their mind or their creative spirit but their body and their ability to follow instructions.

#article #ballet #chloe angyal #this is an excerpt from chloe angyal's book turning pointe

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whumpingcrow · 3 years ago

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Ink Poisoning - Chapter 1

Introduction

Surprise! A new story, new characters, inspired by all the lovely authors of tumblr who do BBU or WRU writing :) enjoy!!

CW: BBU and everything in relation to that, drugs/alcohol, party themes/setting, plane mention, college setting, breakup mention, tattooing/tattoo shop mentions (let me know if I missed anything!)

Nicko and Salem had never really been too close. They lived a few houses away from each other in high school, had some of the same classes, and were tied in with the same friend groups. They were friends, as much as you could be friends with someone you only hang out with cause they’re close by, but not close by any means. Salem felt a certain way about Nicko, he always had, a way that told him to keep himself a safe distance from him. Maybe it was his recklessness, the way he did awful, often mean, things seemingly on impulse, just because it popped into his head and he wanted to follow through. He was unreasonably harsh and manipulative and just attractive and charismatic enough to not suffer the repercussions.

Because of this, Salem wasn’t really entirely sure how he had ended up living with the kid in his last two years of college. Both him and Nicko had gotten into the state college and were both art majors (Nicko was in visual arts and Salem in music), so they had been around each other since they both moved into the dorms as smooth faced freshmen. Nicko was on the football team for the first year and a half, then he got kicked from the team. At that point he hadn’t spoken to Salem for a while, so he never figured out the real reason why. He heard gossip, that Nicko was caught doing drugs, that he had slept with the coach’s daughter, that he’d been fighting, but it was impossible to know if it was the truth. On one hand, Salem wouldn’t exactly be surprised if it was something like that, but on the other hand he didn’t want to believe that he was that bad. After that, he focused on his studies. Salem saw him around campus working in sketch books or on a canvas, sometimes he would show up to a class covered in paint and tired, like he’d been working on something all night. He was also doing an internship at a tattoo shop, he got paid a lot to stab people with needles, and he genuinely enjoyed it. Plus, Salem had seen some of the stuff he’d made, and he certainly had talent, even though he was sort of a dick.

During that time, freshman and sophomore year, Salem was pretty preoccupied in his own respects, so these were the only things he really knew about Nicko. Those two years had been difficult, looking back on it he was surprised he was able to pass all of his classes with what he had going on. There was a messy relationship, horrible breakup, and he used it mostly to put into his music. He wrote some of his best pieces about it, so in a way he was thankful. He was better off now, anyway.

Now, he and Nicko lived together off-campus, along with three other art majors who neither of them knew too well, but rent was cheaper with more people and they were easy enough to get along with. School was almost over, it was their last stretch of their senior year, and things were good. Salem’s future was looking promising, he’d already been speaking to different producers and composers who he’d been set up with by his teachers, as soon as he graduated he would have enough saved up to buy his own place, closer to where he would work, on his own. Life was so simple, Salem was happy and hopeful and for once, things made sense. He just had to get through winter break, then the last few grueling months would crawl by, and then he would be free.

But then winter break came and went, Salem went back north to visit his parents, and when he got back things suddenly got...complicated.

Nicko would insist over and over again to Salem that they had “talked about this!” and he tried to persuade him by saying “you said it could be cool!” every time they talked about it afterwards. Salem told him that bringing it up as a concept while they were getting drunk after midterms was not talking about it.

What happened was someone had read an article somewhere, maybe it was from a click bait thing on Instagram or a frightening news article on facebook, and had brought it up while they were all throwing back beers before they went out to their own respective parties. It was about something Salem had only heard hushed whispers about online, he wasn’t even sure how legit it was because of how rarely he heard about it: boxies. The word made him cringe every time one of them threw it out drunkenly, like it was something cute. If what Salem had heard about it was true, they were essentially criminals who were brainwashed (or trained, as they liked to call it to sound more appealing) instead of taking another sentence. Box Boys, Box Babes, they had more gross marketing names, all involving a box. Supposedly it was because they were notoriously shipped to you conveniently in a box right to your front porch, as if they were an Amazon package. Yes, living human beings stuffed inside of a box and left on your porch, just waiting to be let out so they can start doing whatever it is they’ve been retrained to do. And somehow it was all completely legal, if you did it through certain companies.

So, that’s what they’d been talking about, when Salem looked back on it, all he remembered from the conversation was something like:

“Dude, how the fuck is owning a boxie legal at all? I was just reading this article and-”

"Those are like, those servant things you order online or whatever? I've heard about those, I think."

“That’s not the point, Nicko. I’m talking about how it’s fucking crazy this is allowed.”

“I think it’s cool. I mean if it were me I’d rather get to live in a house as like...a maid or whatever than go to jail. Jail sucks. I dunno, I think it’s cool. What about you, Cobain?”

Salem hated when Nicko called him that, he’d been doing it since freshman year, when one of Salem’s songs was suddenly being passed around the school in a youtube video he’d forgotten he’d posted. Nicko told him that it was edgy, that he sounded like Kurt Cobain. That would have been fine, Salem really wouldn’t have cared, if Nicko hadn’t personally told him before how much he hated Nirvana, how the music sucked. So every time he used the nickname it was patronizing, a little stab at him.

Still, Salem merely looked up from his laptop, he was probably checking back on his flight information for going back home, maybe checking to see if his test scores were posted yet, and scowled at him. “Yeah, Picasso, I think that owning a person is super cool.” He’d been sarcastic, obviously so, and Nicko knew that.

And still, here he was, telling Salem that he’d “agreed” to getting this boxie. Salem would disagree every time, and Nicko would just roll his eyes and shrug his shoulders and he would get away with it. He was always getting away with shit, it was really starting to piss Salem off.

The day Salem got back from break it had been snowing. The drive back from the airport was stressful, it was late, Salem just wanted to go home and sleep. Going back to the town he grew up in was draining, sometimes. It reminded him of complicated times and hopelessness. He wanted to forget all about those feelings, things were going good, he could be hopeful now, and going back home made those feelings a little...muted, for a while. So he figured he’d go home, get into bed, sleep it off, and get back to being hopeful in the morning.

Only he couldn’t do that, because of course Nicko was having a party. He usually called it “having people over”, because he was trying to be an adult now and that’s what adults usually said, but when it consisted of beer pong and body shots that didn’t seem like the right term. The lawn was covered in cars, so was the driveway, so were both sides of the street directly outside. Salem had to park halfway down the block, get his suitcase and guitar, and walk down the street. To his own house. He wanted to break Nicko’s face.

When he walked into the house, the air was thick with smoke and reeked of pot and sweat and booze. The living room was mostly empty, Salem could see from the front door that almost everyone was in the kitchen playing some sort of drinking game or outside. The house was a mess, almost all the lights were off so Salem couldn’t see the full damage yet, but he could tell that he wasn’t going to like it when he did. He shuffled into the house, kicking away cups and bottles as he walked past them. Part of him wanted to just turn around and get back in his car and drive far away, never come back and never see Nicko or this shitty house again. But he had to stick to his plan, he had to play it safe here.

“Salem!” He snapped his head up, in the direction of the voice, sighing when he saw it was Nicko’s girlfriend, Aurora. Or Rory, as most people called her. She had dyed her hair a bright, shocking blue since Salem had last seen her, if he remembered correctly she had it a pale pink before. Her makeup was dark and heavy, like it usually was, making her eyes look all that more intense and striking. Except for right then, because she was very obviously high, her eyes hooded and lazy. She was sitting on the couch, a boy who looked a lot younger than her on his knees right in between her legs. He looked even more fucked up than she did, glaring hard at the floor and swaying slightly as she raked her fingers through his messy, dark hair. As Salem approached them, the kid flinched away from him and snapped his eyes up to look at him. He didn’t pay too much attention to him, too distracted by his anger. Rory had to shout over the music just a little when she started talking again. “I was wondering when you were gonna be back! How was your tri-”

“Where the fuck is Nicko?” He interrupted. His hand was tight around the handle to his guitar case, he could feel his heartbeat in his closed fist.

Rory gawked at him, then her crimson painted lips turned up into a lazy smile and she laughed. “Wow, someone’s in a mood,” she teased, “why don’t you have a drink? Calm down.”

“Don’t tell me to calm down, Rory. Tell me where he fucking is!”

Rory turned her attention downwards, toward the rough looking boy on the floor in front of her. Salem followed her gaze, realizing that he was now shaking, pressing his thin frame against Rory’s leg like he couldn’t get close enough. He was looking at Salem’s shoes, his face twisted up in a nervous frown. Rory instantly leaned close to him, hands on his cheeks and lips against his jaw, saying something in a real low, soft voice. She was calming him down, soothing him, Salem noticed, because he had frightened him.

Salem realized, then, how angry he sounded, shouting and cursing, and he sighed to himself. He decided he’d be better off just going to bed, putting in earplugs and waiting until the morning to deal with the problem. It’s not like he’d really be able to fight Nicko anyway, he was so much taller and he’d been on the football team and honestly Salem just wasn’t equipped for fighting. So he turned away from both of them and made his way down the hallway, to his room. He locked his door and set his things down, then he promptly stripped down to his boxers and got into bed.

The next morning, Salem was surprised to wake up to a clean, quiet house. He walked down the hallway, expecting at any second to see all of the trash pushed into a corner somewhere, he didn’t think Nicko would have cleaned up himself, unprompted. But it was clean all the way through, and he was impressed when he walked into the living room and saw Nicko, decked out in all black clothes and black boots, relaxing on the couch with his keys clutched readily in his hands, like he was leaving. He was speechless, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he approached him.

“Morning, sleepy head,” Nicko teased, tilting his head back and looking him up and down, “how was your trip?”

“Uh...good.” Salem answered, voice still gruff from sleep.

“Morning, Salem!”

He turned to see Rory standing there in fishnets and an oversized hoodie, dramatically tall heels wrapped around her ankles, making Salem wonder how she was standing straight. One time, when Nicko was busy doing an art piece or working on school work, he couldn’t remember now, she and Salem had been in the kitchen alone and Rory told him that she liked to wear tall heels because Nicko likes when she’s short and it entertains her to bother him. She said the best part of her day sometimes is irritating Nicko.

Behind Rory, standing with his head dipped downwards and his shoulders slightly hunched, was the same scared looking kid from the night before. He was allowing Rory to pull him along by his wrist, focusing on his shiny black boots, ones that he looked rather unsteady in, like he wasn’t used to tall shoes. His thin, oversized black tee shirt hung off of one boney shoulder, showcasing a few tattoos up on his collar bone and neck. They looked fresh, like they were healing. After Salem scanned the rest of his body (why was he wearing shorts and a tee shirt!? It was snowing outside!), he had healing tattoos all over, scattered every few inches. Were they all new? Salem didn’t know much about tattooing, but he didn’t think that was safe.

Salem didn’t realize he’d been staring at him, silent, until Rory cleared her throat, redirecting his attention to her. “He’s cute, huh?” She smiled, smacking her gum at him. “Nicko picked out a good one.”

“I...What?” Salem muttered.

“Our boxie,” she explained, holding his limp arm up in the air and waving it a little, making the kid flinch hard, “You were looking at him. Isn’t he precious?”

Now, he was shrinking in on himself more, looking rather embarrassed and ashamed, his face hidden mostly by his floppy hair. Salem frowned at him, then at Rory, then at Nicko, who was smiling smugly.

“You didn’t.”

Nicko laughed at him, and thus began the famous “You said it would be cool” argument. Salem was so shocked in the moment he wasn’t able to form a proper argument, so Nicko took both Rory and the boxie out the door and into the snow with him.

So that’s when things got complicated. Well, not necessarily right away, but that was the thing that kickstarted it all. It was a total snowball effect, where one bad thing happens and it just gets worse and collects more velocity and severity the longer it goes on, until it’s huge and it can’t be stopped and it flattens a poor snowboarder or a small city. Salem had to finish school, he had to start living his life and building his career, he didn’t have time to worry about huge snowball problems. That could ruin everything, all of his hard work and pain would have been pointless. All because Nicko decided to get a fucking boxie.

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marshmallow-phd · 5 years ago

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Catching Rain

Part of The Untamed - EXO Wolf Universe

Genre: Wolf!AU

Pairing: Minseok x Reader

Summary: You were more than satisfied with your life. You attended a nice college, had nice friends, a nice boyfriend. That’s what your life was: nice. You weren’t looking for anything more, so what were you to do when this seemingly harmless boy walked into your life and turned your nice little world into one much more dangerous?

Part: 1 I 2 I 3 I 4 I 5 I 6 I 7 I 8 I 9 I 10 I Epilogue

The pencil bounced up and down on the folder lying closed on the table. Several students nearby eyed the noise created by the eraser and metal casing (you had an odd love for a good old fashioned pencil that needed sharpening) but you didn’t stop. You couldn’t stop, not with all this nervous energy surging through your veins. You really shouldn’t be this nervous. This was only a simple… tutoring session? No, it couldn’t really be classified in that category. He wasn’t going to teach you anything – at least, you didn’t think you would be learning anything in this project. Supervising seemed more appropriate. A direct line in case you were stuck – which, to be honest, you already were.

When Sungkyu had told you about this extra credit, it had sounded so easy. Even the outline he’d created had been simple. But your usually creative brain had seemingly run dry of the juice that sustained it. Were you finally finding your fatal flaw? Capturing an image, finding the moment in a sea of moments, that was easy for you. Apparently your talent stopped at the ability to apply that skill to anything else. You’d arrived at the library a whole hour early in an effort to have something started by the time Minseok was sitting across from you. But you just couldn’t find the connection between art and math. You weren’t Leonardo Da Vinci.

“This seat taken?”

Your pencil stopped mid-tap. Face remaining neutral, you looked up. On the other side of the table, Minseok stood casually and waited for an answer. The gray hoodie he’d adorned laid slackly against his torso, hugging his hips where black pants peeked out underneath. One hand held onto the standard backpack hanging off his shoulder while the other was stuffed in his jeans’ front pocket. A sweet, crooked smile stretched across his thin lips. And there your heart went, doing backflips again. With the fear of your voice cracking, you simply gestured to the chair across from you. Nodding, Minseok pulled the plastic seat out from under the table and sat down. “So, how far have you gotten?”

“Not even past the start line,” you admitted. You opened the folder you’d put together for the project to show the pathetic state of your effort. The only scribbles in the margins were from tiny, poorly drawn doodles and some last minutes thoughts from your philosophy class. If someone were to say you were an intelligent person, you would like to agree with them, but this current predicament was making you feel like a fraud.

Taking the outline out of the folder’s pocket, Minseok scanned over the paper. “You know, art and math are more connected than you think.”

You raised an eyebrow teasingly. “Are you going to give me a lecture on how artists have used math to create measurements in their sculptures or paintings?”

“Well, not anymore.”

You laughed. “I get that there’s a connection. Math makes up everything, right? I just can’t find a real world application between photography and math.”

Minseok pursed his lips to the side, thinking. “Maybe you can use math to help you set up a shot.”

“No,” you shook your head. “Pictures are captured organically. If you think about it too much, it loses its magic.” Pushing yourself up, you leaned across the table. You turned on your camera and angled the display screen so you both could see as you flipped through the pictures from the clearing. A small, appreciative smile crept up on his lips. “Capturing your subject is all about the feeling. It isn’t as easy as doing a math problem and then angling your lens before clicking a button. There’s no heart in that. The focus should be on what’s in front of you.”

“But don’t you adjust the shutter speed and light index and other things to change up the picture to capture what you want?”

You felt like a guppy with your mouth opening and closing as you searched for a response. All your brain could come up with was, “Well… yes….”

“So, you do use numbers in your photography.”

“That’s different.”

“How so?”

Suddenly, you were Baby put in a corner.

A non-malicious grin spread across his face. “Just because you don’t realize you’re using the numbers doesn’t mean that you’re not.”

You couldn’t help but laugh at the comment. “That sounds an awful lot like a freshman philosophy lecture.”

“Could be. I did only take the one semester for a humanities credit so I could be paraphrasing. But if something stuck then perhaps that’s the one credit that wasn’t a waste of money.”

The laughter coming from you was nonstop. You couldn’t help it. Every little jab and joke he shot off made you feel like you were the only audience member in a comedy club - however, they weren’t gold. The jokes weren’t even that funny. Some of them might not even meant to be jokes. But the bubbly feeling in your stomach pushed its way up and came out before you could fully process his intention. Talking to him was… effortless. And this was barely a conversation. A single warning bell was ringing in the back of your mind. Dangerous territory was near, but you kept walking. Curiosity was a strong attractor.

“So,” Minseok clapped his hands together and folded his fingers, resting his chin on his knuckles. In that single motion, he transformed from the GTA to the optimistic sophomore in his looks. “Can I ask you a question? Besides the one I just did, anyway.”

You nodded, “Of course.” Anything to keep you from actually having to work on this project. Which, obviously, was very counter intuitive, but you would finish it… eventually. And if you didn’t get too much done today, then that was nearly a guaranteed second session.

“As a photographer, what would you say is the hardest thing to capture? Like, in a picture?”

You were taken aback. No one had ever asked you that before. You didn’t even think the topic had come up in any of your classes. Different subjects floated through your head as you tried to find the answer to his question. Moving objects was the go-to reply. But some - like human beings - were easy with the tiniest modifications. There was one thing, though, one particular part of nature that you loved but often gave you frustration. “Rain.”

“Rain?”

“Yeah… Catching rain. You can feel it, but you can’t always see it.” You held out your hand, palm towards the ceiling. “The drops could be pouring down from the clouds, hitting your skin, but the camera can’t capture it.”

“So, what do you do then?” He asked with an eagerness, with true attentiveness and interest in your words. It made you sit up.

“You change your strategy. You slow things down. That’s when it comes out best.”

He nodded slowly. He took in every word you were saying and absorbed it. A warmth spread across your cheeks and you prayed it wasn’t visible to him. Out of nowhere, Minseok cleared his throat and sat back. “Maybe you could use the numbers in the equations.”

You grimaced as you came back to the reason the two of you were here. “That sounds complicated.”

“Okay, then,” he chuckled. “Why not-”

The muddled shrill of a cell phone vibrating against the table. You hadn’t even realized he’d put it there at some point during the conversation. He let out a disappointed sigh as he flipped the device over and checked the identity of the caller. An apologetic look was thrown your way as he answered. “Hello?”

The faint, intelligible voice of another guy echoed through the speaker. Minseok nodded as if the caller could see him.

“Okay. I’ll go now.”

And there was the wave of disappointment. So today was to come to an end already. And you still were no closer to a realization than before.

Minseok pressed the red button and disconnected the call. The smile that he had on his face earlier morphed into a sadder version. “I have to go.”

“That’s okay,” you reassured him. “Hold that thought for next time.”

A spark flashed in his eyes. Was that a bit flirtatious? How bad was it that you could no longer control the fluctuation in your voice?

“And when would next time come around?”

“Saturday?” Eric had to spend the day finishing off the set pieces for the upcoming play. When he was working like that, he could be lost in painting for hours. Getting him on the phone or off the stage would be next to impossible. That seed of guilt was pushing on your stomach again. Hanging out with a guy that made you laugh while your boyfriend was off somewhere else wasn’t a good idea. Maybe you would ask Eric first if he was comfortable with that. If he said no you could always come up with a good excuse to back out.

“Saturday should work.” In a quick motion, he flipped your folder around and wrote down his number. “Just let me know what time works best for you.” Jumping up from his seat, he threw his bag over his shoulder and started to walk away. But after a few steps, he turned back around. A wide, gum-revealing smile spread across his face as he waved casually. But his smile was anything but casual. In it you saw hope, a possibility of something more.

I’m in trouble.

You knew it. You knew very well that meeting up with him was going to lead to a terrible predicament. But as he walked away, you’d resigned to follow that rabbit hole anyway.

Needing a distraction, you hopped up and headed out your own way. There was still another matter you needed to solve and now was the perfect time. With your backpack in the passenger’s seat, you drove out of the parking lot and towards the back roads, taking the same way to the forest you had previously. The wheels of your car matched up almost perfectly with the marks from before. Locking your backpack in the trunk, you pocketed your keys and phone and started hiking. You followed the path to the clearing; your nerves bounced faster and faster the closer you got.

Immediately, you headed straight for the tree that had been your resting place. The grass was taller in only a few short days. The blades scratched gently at your hands as you pushed the blades aside for a better view of the ground. After circling the area, you had to give up. It wasn’t there. The wolf flashed in your mind. Shaking your head, you ridiculed the idea. The wolf couldn’t have taken your notebook… could it? Certainly if he had there would be remnants of paper still around.

Blowing air through your lips, you sat down at the base of the tree. Now what were you going to do?

A rustling nearby made you jump. Out of the trees, the wolf from before - at least, you assumed it was the same wolf - cautiously came towards you. “Did you take my notebook,” you asked out loud. The wolf pulled back his ears in response. Your eyes widened. “Did you?”

The wolf barked. You had to laugh at yourself. You were having a conversation with a wolf. You felt ridiculous. Again.

You sighed. “I guess it's just time to face the facts. It’s gone. Eric won’t be too happy with me.”

The wolf growled before coming up next to you and curling up in the grass to your right. He laid his head in your lap. Yes, this was definitely your wolf. What else were you supposed to do if not pet him?

“Eric will just be disappointed,” you said. “Not like, angry or anything. I’ll need to come up with another place to lose it, though. If he found out that I came to the forest by myself, he’d turn red. Especially after-” You froze, your hand hovering over the wolf’s ears. The news of the campers returned to the front of your mind. They were attacked by an animal - a wolf, most likely. Something still told you that it couldn’t have been the wolf currently resting on your legs. How could he be like a puppy with you and vicious towards others?

Noticing your sudden silence, the wolf lifted his head and looked up at you.

“You didn’t hurt those people, did you?”

The wolf tilted his head to the side. You took that as a good sign.

Reacting to a sound your own human ears didn’t pick up, the wolf’s ears flicked up as he turned towards the trees. He stood up on his paws and pulled on your sleeve with his teeth so you would do the same. One bark conveyed what he was trying to tell you. “Okay,” you nodded. “I’ll go. But you be careful, too, alright? If there’s something… mean running around here, I don’t want you to get hurt either.”

It still amazed you how this animal could somehow understand you. He reared up on his back paws and placed his front on your chest. You were now looking eye to eye with this giant dog. He gave you a sloppy kiss on your cheek before jumping down and nudging you away. He saw you all the way to the edge of the forest. Disappointment weighed you down as you plopped down in the driver’s seat. And you weren’t sure if it was because of the lost notebook or the wolf you were leaving behind.

Minseok ran through the forest back to the house. This whole “mate pull” was starting to scare him a little bit. He’d been trying to find any clue to the rogue wolf that had invaded their territory but a feeling told him to go to the clearing again. You’d come back. He was both elated to see you again and petrified that you were out here with no protection. If he hadn’t come across you… he shivered at the very thought of what could have happened. When he heard something moving close by he needed to get you out of there; he didn’t care if it was the omega or a harmless rabbit. Seeing you go created a whimper in his chest, but he would see you again on Saturday. Goodbye for now wasn’t something to stress about.

After running the perimeter for another hour, he headed back to the farmhouse. The conversation from the library followed him through the trees. He’d simply asked a question to keep the conversation going, but he was finding an allegory within your answer.

You’d said in order to catch the rain in a picture you had to slow things down. Maybe that was the approach he had to take with you. His initial plan had perhaps been a bit too strong. If circumstances were different, it might have worked. But given the fact that he had competition for your heart, that would no longer be a good direction to go in. So he would take it slow. He would get to know you through these small meetings about the project. And he would let you get to know him. Maybe then the pull would grow on your side. Maybe then you would come to him on your own terms instead of him chasing you down. Yes, exactly like rain in a photo.

Now back home with a clear head, he slipped into the jeans he’d hidden in the bushes before walking up to the back door. The kitchen was a ruckus like always as he entered. Most of the pack was home from the university, except for Junmyeon. Kyungsoo and Chanyeol were discussing what to do about dinner while Jongdae and Baekhyun were teasing the younger wolves about… something. Minseok couldn’t really pick up on what they were going on about. No one seemed to notice the eldest’s entrance, but that was alright. Minseok simply grabbed a cup from the cabinet and filled it with water from the tap. Leaning against the counter, he sipped at the room temperature liquid with his eyes trained on the floor.

“Minseok?”

He looked up at the brother who called his name. The kitchen had quite down a few notches. “Yeah?”

Jongdae gave him that concerned gaze that curled the corners of his lips. “Why were you out running by yourself?”

“I was just trying to see if I could find the omega.” While that was the truth, it wasn’t everything that occurred out in the woods. He was getting closer to telling everyone about finding his mate, just so he didn’t have to tiptoe around anymore. He would see how Saturday went and then he would decide.

“But why on your own?”

“I sent him.”

Junmyeon came into the kitchen, taking the leather messenger bag that was draped over his shoulder off and placing it on the kitchen table. “It was just a recon mission.” A little smile perked up in the corner of his mouth. Around the room a few eyes rolled, but no one called out the leader’s exaggeration of the situation. “If he was able to find anything then he was supposed to note it and report back.” He looked to Minseok, who shook his head. There was nothing.

“Still odd that you sent him by himself,” Sehun commented with narrowed eyes.

“I thought he could use the quiet.”

“You are all too loud,” Minseok jumped in. Several voices roared in protest, not realizing that they were instead proving his point.

“What’s for dinner?” Jongin asked, the subject immediately being changed. What a relief it was that they all had a powerful focus on their stomachs - especially when they were empty. Minseok took the opportunity to finish off the water and head upstairs to take a shower.

#exo #exo wolf au #exo wolf!au #minseok x reader #kim minseok #xiumin #exo werewolf au #exo werewolf!au #exo supernatural au #exo series #exo fanfic #exo fanfiction #The Untamed Universe #Catching Rain

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heyitsmarysblog · 3 years ago

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In my 25 years of my life i honestly admit that i never had been into relationship with someone else, yes i know it sound like an old school or something you watch on movies or on tv or even you might read on the books but yes i am a no boyfriend since birth. My friends and family and some people do say that i am pretty but that doesn’t what i see and feel specially when i was on my high school days i feel so down that i am so ugly, stupid and idiot one, as i have said i never had into a relationship yet but that doesn’t necessarily means that i never had fall for someone else or admire someone off course i did and just what other people do it’s normal and it’s part of being a teenager or a youth.

I did admire so many guys and most of them i really did fall and my heart got broken into pieces as well so let me tell you my story, starting with my bestfriend or let me say my ex-bestfriend i met him when i was in grade school and he has a twin brother our friendship did actually started on a wrong foot when we were on our 4th grade it was more like little kids fight we were both immature and so young at that time, but we did became friends when i lend him and his twin brother my extra pen and that was the start when were on our 5th grade i was surprised that i saw this twin at the start of the school semester because he told me they would migrate in London.

Apparently there where a changes of plan so they stayed here in the Philippines and that was really a good start of our friendship he was my seatmate and at the back was his twin brother but by that time i have a crush with another guy my classmate when i was in 3rd grade the one who has been my friend for some quiet of time and he was the one who was actually keeping an eye on me for our teacher i used to skip and cut class before on our math class i did hate and cursed that subject during those time and i still hate it though, going back to my story we became really good friends until we decided to call each other best and this guy was the first guy that i became my guy bestfriend until one day on a game we play on which were there was a consequence you have to tell who your crush is and i beat him up so he has no choice to spill it out and i found out that the girl who were sitting on her left side that was my classmate back when i was in 3rd grade was his crush and he admire.

Little did i know i was starting to like him but i couldn’t admit it i remember that there was time i wrote a song for him to confess with her crush and i entitled it with the name of her crush in the tune of the song “Umbrella” by Rhianna meanwhile his twin brother confronted me once and i could not deny it anymore and he did confessed to me that he also admire a lot my bestfriend who was by that time transferred on a different school the following year was our last year in our grade school, and our friendship became more deeper and i admired and fall for him deep as well as the time goes by there was this random girl on our class who also admire my bestfriend i became so jealous seeing them close together specially when i transferred on the higher section but apparently i only stayed for a few weeks aside from my grades those students were meaner than on the section i went to and i decided to just go back there after all my friends and bestfriends where there so was he.

When the time being that i got back on our section that random girl who happens to be my enemy had became so much closer with him that made me jealous to death and found out he admire the twins and as i talk to his twin brother asking him and making into plan that we will make them jealous as well as we pretend that we were together but that plan didn’t work and because i couldn’t take it anymore it came to a point that i confess my feelings through him and i sent him a message unfotunately it was his sister who were the first to read it and when we met on school and got on the room i didn’t sit beside him he was still my seatmate everything became akward to us and there where things that change.

Until he finally got the chance to ask it to me and everything were settled at that time and we did remained friends until few weeks after and month on our graduation there were changes in him he started being cold to me and avoided me on our graduation day when we congratulate each other he didn’t shake his hand with me as he did with our friends that hurts, after that was the last time we saw and communicate though he often visit me on our house quite sometime with our good guy friend.

As i entered high school life i was alone i had no friends at first actually he and his twin brother idea that i entered and take the exam on the special curriculum i didn’t pass the exam but i passed the auditon while he and our friends were on the basic curriculum. Meanwhile i met a guy through a text and we started having conversations and became friends but i never met this guy during those time and i was shocked when he started courting me through text but i rejected it because aside from i am not yet ready and still young i still have feelings for my bestfriend ex-bestfriend, i haven”t heard from my ex-bestfriend since the last time he visit me on our house and one time i saw him online on facebook and we did chat and i was trying to see what’s on him until he pranked me and told me he didn’t know me and all of this stuff that he got into accident and had an amnesia and i was pissed off then that’s why our friendship end when he denied me and put everything to trash and i got hurt because of that i even blocked him on facebook and cut our communication after that conversation.

On the other side of the story where this guy that i rejected i just realized that i was already fallen for him so i try to communicate with him and it was too late just that coincidence that i met a random girl from a star section during my freshmen year i was on the lower section anyway i did became quite friends with these girl and only to find out he was related to this guy who courted me before how i was been slow and fool did not get what was happening through them, only to find out that girl was her girlfriend when that girl knew about it i admit everything but she misunderstands it so was the students on the campus take note the whole campus.

They broke up because of me and it was not my intention i didn’t even wanted that to happened but that was so painful when this guy denied that he did courted me and i have to apologize for the thing i didn’t do i didn’t intentionally want to happen the story was twisted and i was been the third party which i was never was without knowing and intentionally doing it everyone think that i was the reason why her ex-girlfriend decided to transferred to another school while this guy was his on junior high while i was a freshmen at that time.

When i entered sophomore i met a weird transfery student guy well he was being nice and making some awkward gestures through me this guy was trying to make friends with me but in a way he has not exerted an enough effort until one day i just found that i had a crush within him already and i admire him and during those moments i onced prayed and ask God for a sign and as days and time goes by i have seen those sign within him. I found out that his also a Christian those where the times i started day dreaming there where some imaginations through my head i started having hopes and with some love songs i usually listen i think of this guy during those days i love to sing and some songs that i sings i feel it and think of him, yes he was my first love and i thought he was it until when we were on our junior high we had fight he became my enemy we had a war when i got pissed off and we became bad blood then i found out that he was making fun of me he and his friends were teasing me the rest of the classes started bullying me.

So i started war on him through facebook that time i was just starting on express and defend myself but i was the bad one and everyone was in favor in him i really got mad on him aside from he was just playing around and making fun of my feelings for him, he also give me a false hope and that’s the time i became bitter i had so much anger and great hatred for him and his friends i even cursed him and then when we were on our last year on our high school which is our senior year things had change and i felt like making up with him to be friends with him and the rest of our classmates.

I did ask forgiveness and apologized for him and to everyone he did forgive me but i actually didn’t felt that he and his friends and our classmate really accepted my apology i tried making up with him and them, then i found out later on that this girl that belongs on star section and she was very talented and famous person within the campus she’s also a Christian she had a good voice that she join on singing competitons and made her famous.

She was my first loved girlfriend and i didn’t know and i am a fan of this girl before i knew and found out she’s with my first loved and this girl was so nice with me until i had this feeling again towards his boyfriend which is the transferee student way back my sophomore year, that i still love him but i didn’t know he was with this famous girl at the campus already and when i was about to confess with him that i saved a message on my phone which i was supposed to send during our Christmas break but during our examination all our phones has been confiscated when we had our break time.

One of my classmate took my phone and he read the message not only for himself but he even read it with him and his friends i was so humillated because of that i can’t even show myself through them, i started avoiding them and ignoring all of them i skip classes and make my absence on the last 3 quarters of our school year i remember before this happened i wrote a letter for him to apologize but he didn’t finished it because our teacher confiscated it and he was ask all about it. Going back as i absent i made so many excuses even if it’s obvious then when i come to class there is this time that her girlfriend tries to confront me but i avoided it actually she was a nice person she even once tried to invite me to attend in their church but apparently something came up, until one day her girlfriend told me that they are on the rocks already and she told me he doesn’t love her anymore and he loves me instead fool of me i believe with these stupid lies i am such a naived at this time.

I found out that she was trying to reverse psychology me and my classmates made fun of me i felt alone i had no one to be with until one day when i was so broken i saw my bestfriend at the campus we talked and then i met her friends it was after our nat examination and they invited me to join them we went to a ktv and after it i invited them in our house where we start talking and i told her and her friends what happened, and then we came up to an idea to form a group and we started having this friendship during the last few weeks before we graduate we go out together and on our graduation day which i felt lonely and alone again because i wasn’t with my friends. And my classmate had made fun of me again so that night i went online and expose everything about them there secrets they had and expose the secret relationship of my first love and his girlfriend but, they knew it so easily and everything messed up but i had regret that i apologized through them and i am glad some of them accepted it.

While i am having a fresh start there is this one of our friend i found out that we go with the same church but at that time i wasn’t active and i am not consistent and active this guy became also my bestfriend he was the one why i get back to Christ we used to attend together in all of the services and sometimes we invite our friends along with my bestfriend and my friend is the twins from grade school then i met again my ex-bestfriend and my good friend told me about that the amnesia was true at this moment i find myself falling for him again but he fall with our friend that became my very close friend, there’s even this time that me and my best friend and my ex-bestfriend are jamming and we end up playing a game a truth or consequence game which my bestfriend ask me about who is my crush well they kept on doing that it even took for us an hours before i can spill it out and it was so very shameful and awkward for me to admit it once again with my ex-bestfriend after having a heartache with my first love but i take it back and after a decade this ex-best friend of mine during grade school we became good old friends again he did fell for my bestfriend for awhile but he ended up having his own family now and i am happy for him.

Until i met this guy in one of the event on our church i was just new during that time and i was shock at this guy that he was so approachable with me and he knows ne already while i am clueless who is this guy then i ask my bestfriend who was that guy and i found out that he was our youth worship leader i didn’t recognize his face but later on i recognize his voice what gets me curious about is that he knows me the next time i saw him is at church i found his voice very deep only to find out that i was starting to admire him i even added him on facebook then i found out that he was my sister’s batchmate and my sister’s boyfriend is his college friends together with one of their friend who also comes with the same church then one of a churchmate of ours and a common friend of my sister stayed in our home for a few months and while she was staying with us i found out that she is close with this youth worship leader and that he created and cover some songs on youtube that i even downloaded on my phone and i found out that this youth worship leader is my bestfriend and my bestfriend’s brother guitar instructor he is a talented one i even ask him out to come on my debut well i was supposed to ask him to be my escort at that time but i was shy and thought that he would refused i thought it was a destiny but i found out she already had a girlfriend for many years and her girlfriend is also a college friend of my sister’s boyfriend and the girl i was been jealous with my ex-bestfriend is her churchmate and disciple we actually became good friends, there was this one time that this common friend of this youth worship leader was became close to me and we were having a good time together with my bestfriend when this loyal bestfriend of mine spill out that i admire this youth worship leader then i suddenly notice that some of the youth that time that are part of the music team started teasing and bullying me when they knew about it and it even came to a point that i asked council from selective people and i reported all this to our pastors.

Only to find out that this youth worship leader is the nephew of one of our pastors our worship team leader it became so awkward on us and i remember after going on my first time at our youth camp i wrote a letter for him and the music team to apologized i thought by then everything will be alright but i was wrong because at that time i really had fallen for him and i really did cried for him so many times specially when i see him and hear his voice leading us on worship i really did get distracted and it took sometimes that i needed to prayed for this to end this and submit to God all about it but it wasn’t easy for me specially when he left for awhile i thought his not going back i needed to unfriend him and his friends it was a big decision for me to block them all but when he came back, i couldn’t help myself to unblock him i tried getting over with him i tried moving on but when i heard the news that one of his love one went to be with the Lord i didn’t even think already but i was eager to comfort him and be there for him even if i knew that his girlfriend is already there on the day of cremation i went there i thought there would be youth that shows comfort for him but i see to it that it was all her family members and relatives i knew i was been a fool and not thinking at all.

So after that i really did my best to avoid and ignore him even if we see each other at church i want to move on because i need to let go but when i thought i already did i found out that he was living out the country and migrating together with his father and i felt sad i really did cry i even gave him a remembrance and letter but i felt upset when i figure out that he and the music team made fun of it, when he left i tried moving on and forgetting about him

Just when i already had forget about it there was this guy during my college days were not really close but i onced asked advise from him regarding with this youth worship leader and there are some quite sometimes we had conversations through text and chat. The next time i saw and be with this guy when we have a merge class with them he was an it student by the way same course that the youth worship leader had been taken anyways as what i am saying there was this grouping that we had to make an mtv and we became groupmates, during those time that we shoot there was a time that he teased me and i got offended somehow specially when were on our way home and our groupmates teased us and ask us to hold hands at first i refuse but they where the one pushed us to hold hands.

At the school when were waiting for our proffessor and reviewing they came and he approached me and act like he was my boyfriend and our classmate teased me and i was really offended because of that, afterwhich i wrote a note on him and confronted him after that i avoided him and ignored him until when the two of us were left while our other groupmates went to buy some foods while he was editing the video he confronted me and after that i don’t know what happen next i started having compassion with these guy then i found out that he was pursuing our class president i was really hurt because i already fall for him at that time.

What really hurts for me when we were on our retreat the last night on our retreat when he was drinking with his friend i heard with my two ears that he was just feeling pity for me and it breaks my heart when were on our way home which by the way we sat together on the bus our classmates planned it before the retreat i accidentaly confess on him i chatted him and block him but i didn’t know what i was doing i was tipsy at that time my classmates forced me to drink if i don’t they won’t help me out with the dance steps again for our recital.

After our mtv making we avoid each other and he ignores me during on our sportsfest i can really feel that he is avoiding me and it hurts i did apologized on him and there was this time that i was so desperate that’s why after our class outside of our school and infront of our classmate i kneeled down on him to say sorry but he just walked away, and after that it was our retreat and as i was told you guys on our way home were both quiet and i sleep until we went back home few weeks after we need to finalize our requirements and we were ordered to make a short film and he was there to help us because she was helping out our class president and during our break time there were talking about their status and how both of them doesn’t care that i was so near with my class president they intended it.

A week before the camp this guy and i with his classmate had a fight when my bestfriend’s ex use his facebook to chat me and say such thing but afterwards we did settled everything and when i got back from camp my tita informed me that there was this guy was looking for me but no one was able to entertain him because my parents was at the hospital visited my newborn nephew at that time, when i found about it was him i really had a strong feeling that it was him based on the description but why would he be looking out for me? He never admitted it but i knew it was him then a week before our graduation he confessed to me that he already had a girlfriend my heart crushed and falls apart i was so mad he was a liar he broke my heart he was the one that got away yet i felt the first cut of the deepest in him few years later he got married and we had some fuss and feud and i cut ties with him and the rest of our college classmates and batchmate.

I really had too much hatred for him and i became more bitter that i did not believe that forever exist i held so much hatred in him and with my classmates and with his classmates for i know that they had planned all of this and they succeed, because of too much hatred and anger i made a promise to myself that never again that i would fall in love again and that i will never shed a single tears for any man i was been tired of falling in love and not feeling that love back that every time i fall i also falls apart that it was always a one sided love, so i prayed for God to close my heart and lock it and i thought i had guard my heart but i was wrong when i ask advice and comfort from one of the youth in church this guy were not totally close but i can say that we are friends and i asked him because during those time he also had his heartache when he broke up with his girlfriend and i really appreciate it when he prayed for me and he was even there on my graduation i invited him to come the next time i saw him is when i visited my mentor at church while they have a meeting regarding on one of the presentation for the upcoming anniversary of our church and some of the closest youth of my mentor was also there and one of my spritual sister came when she started teasing the both of us when they notice that somehow were close well actually this guy was bullying me that’s why i ran after him and my spiritual sister told that we were sweet after that night i didn’t understand what was going on and i felt that time.

I figure out that i started to admire him that easily and so i just go with the flow knowing that everything was alright then all of a sudden this guy just ask me to do something and i didn’t get him and i just found him too shallow i wanted to confronted him but he close his door and during those times that i am eager to fixed whatever needs to be fixed, i even gave him a letter to confront him and i found out that he already knew that i have a crush on him and i actually got real sick because of that i was been confined at the hospital due to dengue.

And i heard a news that he just trashed away the letter i gave him and he embarrassed me infront of the other youth and my fellow leaders during those moments many times and he even did not appreciate the Christmas gift that i have given to him, i fall for him until he was the one cut everything our communication and he choose to end our friendship i was hurt i had to admit that many things happened and there were words that i had said towards him i couldn’t understand why i cried for this guy it even came to a point i wrote my side of the story on wattpad that goes viral and i had to delete the story we did actually was able express his side and i thought it was the closure but i was wrong.

Until one day there was this event on our church that i planned to confronted him but he brought a girl with her only to find out that it was her girlfriend, but i found out through a common friend of us that he just brought that girl to act that they were a couple i try to move on and forget him i even choose to stay away from him and our friends and it’s really been a hard decision and tough sacrifice for me i thought if i will do that i can forget him but i just misses him more like how i missed him when i am not seeing him at church it didn’t work out because i just kept on thinking of him just this recently i saw him with his girlfriend at church and i was really hurt and i couldn’t help myself not to cry and cry it all to God when i got home i cry it all over again and this is the reason why i ended up making this article.

5 years later when i saw and found this article that i had wrote when i was 20 i had rephrase the words and the sentence i wrote since there was a lot of changes obviously since it has been 5 years already i am now 25 right now already adult still single those guys were already man now by today.

The church that i was reffering was no longer my church i already left for what reason that is another story tell i already have a new church where i made a vow that i will close my heart and surrendered the keys of my heart to Him yet i failed because i got distracted and tempted.

Just as i said that my weakness is falling for someone easily and just as i thought that i’ve learned my lesson and no longer weak because i already figured out that there was someone out there for me the art of “true love waits” that after i have given up my feelings and this man to Him when i found out his pursuing someone else and years later he ended up with my mentor and now getting married which i am happy for them after all it was a long time ago.

Although after him there were two who tried to pursued me and with the first man who admitted his feelings for through chat i knew that i wasn’t ready yet and i knew it wasn’t the right form to pursue someone i have to say that along the way somehow i learned a lot but i have to learn it the hard way so i would say his ways were not right and during those times i was not ready plus i have just started to enjoy my season being joyfully single learning to value the joy of being single.

Because i always had been in a rush and same with these man who were acting like there is something already even if it’s loud and clear that i am not ready plus it annoys me how he was been obsessed and jelous towards my guy friends and he has to let the whole church he was pursuing me even the things i said he made me look like the bad one.

When i rejected him i know for all these time i always got rejected and this was the first time i was flattered at first honestly but his actions leads me to a decision to reject him even though he was persistent or i would say persistently annoying but i have to say this was the first time i was able to confront someone i never did it personally because i am not really the brave and courageous as everyone thought i am the reason why i do this form because i have no courage to speak up what i truly feel knowing that my voice won’t matter and never mattered.

After this first man who tried to pursued me where i tried my hardest to extend my patience and understanding towards him i didn’t want to hurt his feelings though he did something that i am grateful i was actually flattered if he weren’t that annoying and he didn’t twisted the story maybe just maybe we could have been friends somehow but he blew it and i can’t help not to get annoyed the way how he acted and made it seems i was the one who was chasing after him like the nerved of him.

After him there was this man whom i thought would be my first and last i mean let’s admit it to all my fellow single ladies or nbsb readers out there being single from the very beginning we all been wanted to find or have someone would be our first and last right? The story goes like this there was another who wanted to pursue me and was praying for me according to my mentor and i didn’t realize and had no idea about it when he prayed for my youngest nephew and my father.

We didn’t have any communications back then unlike the first one until one day when i started working this man that let’s just call him Taurus who started showing his intensions and making his moved and just because i thought he would be my first and last i got fond with him we started exchanging chats almost each midnights and he mostly eat on my workplace.

Though we did this without the blessings of our pastors and mentors and i do admit i was wrong because it’s completely different the way i was with Taurus than the first man who wanted to pursued me i wasn’t ready at the time but with Taurus i gave him a chance i took the risk we dated without label in others we were mu for a month or two.

I gave him the chance Taurus met my parents, relatives, my bestfriend some of my friends even the family of my ofw frontliner breadwinner sister in New Zealand future’s in laws Taurus already ask the permission of my mother and my ofw frontliner breadwinner sister in New Zealand to court me for the very first time i opened my heart to him.

I have no plans or ideas of dream wedding for quite some time specially when this transferee student way back when i was sophomore high school who turned out to be engineer 10 years later who told me that i was the very first person to get married or get pregnant on our batch that’s why i promised to myself that i will never ever get pregnant or get married but because of Taurus it changed.

I opened my heart to Taurus i gave him the keys of my heart when i finally thought that i closed my heart but he found the keys that was i thought then again i was wrong Taurus knew everything i’ve been through and Taurus even knew me but to my surprised when i was ready to take that risk.

Taurus ghosted me the nerved and audacity of Taurus to say sorry for loving me yes Taurus said that he does love through chat like the first man who tried to pursue me yet Taurus ghosted because Taurus couldn’t accept everything about me Taurus only love the good side of me but my bad side Taurus couldn’t accept it while i accepted everything i figured about Taurus which i thought Taurus would be my first and last.

I remember when Taurus even apologized actually before this ghosting thing happened we had our closured but then Taurus ghosted me Taurus couldn’t accept the fact that these bad sides where triggered by my depression and Taurus is one of the part but Taurus is not just the only reason of my depression.

However Taurus is unforgiveable the nerved and audacity of ghosting me saying sorry for loving me but couldn’t accept my bad side and that Taurus is tired and giving up well it’s not love for me that is bullshit excuse my word but it is really it is because if you truly love the person your not gonna easily give up or get tired i knew and felt how sincere Taurus i saw the sincerity and i knew Taurus was serious but there is a complete differences between being serious and sure.

If Taurus wasn’t sure about Taurus should have not made any first move shame on me and how fool i am having that stupid thought that Taurus would be my first and last because Taurus the walls that i have build before Taurus came over that wall had been restored i ended up unfriending Taurus deleting all our conversations bringing Taurus back the things Taurus gave me the books, the letter and i ended up throwing the gift that Taurus gave me i never thought it would end up like these having the thought that Taurus would be my first and last but i was wrong Taurus knew everything i’ve been through yet Taurus did this to me aside from ghosting Taurus really hurt me badly and it’s unforgiveable the nerve and audacity.

Yes i have depression these are one of the reason and as i saw these article and read it on the first latter part i was laughing because it’s been a decade ago but as i read it thoroughly the pain, hatred and grudges the memories suddenly bring back even the moment i decided to continue this article and rephrased some of the sentences and words.

There were questions back of my mind what if i was able to and say the things i wanted back then like when i read the part where i was been accused as a third party and that guy who has been textmate when i was thirtheen and freshmen denied that he tried to court me and i was humiliated in front of my own mother in front of all the campus where he deserved a slap and a confrontations way too late.

The transferee when i was sophomore who is now engineer right now who humiliate me in front of the class when he said i was the very first to get pregnant and get married what if i told straight to him that i was offended and just slapped him he deserves it though or the time i run away instead of confronting him regarding those saved messages on my outbox and let that talented star section back then that i had no intention on trying to ruin their relationship what if i just faced them back then when they wanted to settle everything. As i read and rewrite this article the part where i said this transferee student way back sophomore year when i was High School when i said he was a false hope giver 5 years ago i would agree but right now i would question my self why did i wrote or call him that way well right now she is successfully famous she has been a contestant then and there what if those moments i have been given a chance back then to settle everything and to have closure them what if i didn’t run away what if i took that the chance two years ago when i saw them on my churchmate and batchmate’s father’s last night of wake before the burial.

If they read these i am sorry for everything and i am really happy for the both of you i just hoped that those moments i had the chance to settle everything and have closure i wish i did it and didn’t run away because right now it hunts me i wouldn’t deny that these are one of another reason why my depression is triggered i regret those moments and days i had the chance to settle everything and make things right if only i can be given the chance.

I know that this wouldn’t matter at all anymore but i just wanted these things to get load out from my chest if i could only be given a chance because it frustrates me i tried everything among everything these really hunts me badly and i wanted to apologized for the insecurity that i felt towards their success because here i am unemployed and jobless while they have reached and achieved their dreams successful but not like me.

What if i was able to express my side and confront the IT student guy way back from college what if i went outside the room that night when i heard loud and clear what that IT student told to the rest of the IT students which is his friends during our retreat night he also deserved to be slapped that time and he didn’t deserve how i kneel down on my knees for him and even tried to find him chasing for his house back then when we were fresh graduate just to confront and settle everything.

What if that former youth churchmate of mine what if i had enough courage and braveness to confront and settle everything what if that night when he finally opened up during the open forum what if i also said something and made my amends but now everything is too late its a decade and 7 years late.

And if ever my friends or someone knows me will be able to read this blog of mine i want to tell you guys that i am in no harm of writing and creating this blog, i found this way to express my feelings and for those guys that really made me fallen apart and broke my heart into pieces, “thank you for the broken heart and thank you for the permanent scars if it wasn’t for you i might forget how it feels to get a brand new start and everytime i find myself alone in pieces i’ll find myself i’ll just remember when you hurt me and i made it cause if it wasn’t for you i might forget and i wouldn’t be here all my pain disappear i’ve come so far so thank you for the broken heart”

“The most important thing you ever gave me was the one that hurts the most so thank you for the broken heart” 5 years later and a decades from now as i rewrite this article of mine these what has come up.

I never thought that i would be able to come up with this or even republish this again but yeah that is my experience and point of view and maybe one of the reasons why i end up closing my heart again i am left with bitterness, hatred, grudges, unforgiveness and walls.

Even traumatic experience and events of my life where here i am making another vow that never again maybe this is why i am left confused with my preference based on my experience though i am single and nbsb i suffered and been through a lot what more if i will really have someone or will i have?

I honestly don’t know anymore due to my different forms of traumatic encounters towards men who rejected, ghosted and even attempted to do something terrible yes i didn’t just encountered it once but twice that’s the reason why i left my previous church.

I am not saying that all mens are the same maybe somehow in generally or let’s just say that it’s based on my experience that is the main reason why i get even or mad whenever this topic and issue is being talk about specially Taurus.

But i would say it’s one of the reason why i wanted to get out from this city when Taurus ghosted it was during the global pandemic that’s why i am forced to stay at home and to this city where i wanted to get out decades ago and right now i just wanted to go right now to New Zealand to have fresh start maybe then i will be able to move forward and let go of all the things.

Being here in the city and this country cause me a lot of different forms and varies of horrible traumatic experience and events of my life you can’t blame if this is my point of view or even my preference changed or why i am this cold hearted stone if you made it this far thank you for reading and viewing it thank you for not putting my efforts of writing and rewriting this useless or in vain feel free to read my other articles visit my facebook page and subscribe to my youtube channel.

Stay safe and dry get vaccinated wear your face mask and face shield bring alcohol do social distancing follow the health protocols if it’s not necessarily to get out just please stay at home.

Hopefully as you read this pandemic is over and the next time that this article will appear to me i am already in New Zealand.

Love,

Mary ❤️

https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/119594497/posts/3545614255

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phoebehalliwell · 4 years ago

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"he like lowkey knows that this in fact stems from his daddy issues and his inferiority complex all coming together to form the desperate need to be wanted" chris, babey?? that sounds like a less than ideal mindset to relationships, but how does that actually work for him?? especially bc like i feel that relationships ending prob don't help with the whole need to be wanted thing?? but also chris just leaning into pretty boy with daddy issues in his love life is A++++ forever, thank you

i think chris’s relationship with heartbreak/relationships ending is actually a really complex one because i think really his first exposure to heartbreak was wyatt’s first breakup with i imagine ws a very big ordeal and left him all heartbroken and he had the rest of the family all cooing over him like it’s okay you’re gonna be okay and y’know chris has also seen movies so he’s like wow haha lmao breakups must be a super soul crushing thing yikes but like when he has his first “break up” (his girlfriend left for college, he was still in high school), he didn’t really feel the same sorta pain and emptiness he though he would maybe bc he always feels pain and emptiness lmao emo bitch. bc i think the way chris actually dates is very different than how wyatt dates. because wyatt throws himself out there heart open looking for his soulmate he can’t help but envision some rose colored future for the two of them and all the wonderful things that could be whereas chris like doesn’t. i think the way he dates is just very an “in the moment” thing. i don’t think he necessarily banks on anything lasting too long because i don’t think his relationships - not only romantic - tend to last that long. where’s that one post here i wrote briefly about how i think chris forms the majority of his friendship on sort of like being separate from wyatt (which is really like a dumb way to pick friends but the boy’s got a lot of complexes). i don’t think he necessarily has close friends at magic school, more just acquaintances or allies, people who are also sorta snarky and quick witted, black sheep and all that. that being said i think he only trains with his siblings or cousins, bc the majority of the outsiders who he hangs out with are outsiders due to their sort of lack of magical prowess. chris may feel like he’s not a super strong witch, but he’s still a charmed one and compared to these kids he’s like all powerful, so he doesn’t tend to practice magic around them. i think his circle in high school was specifically like the misfit edgy stoners and he was like that sophomore that hung out with like a pack of five upperclassmen and i don’t know if that’s actually a common trope or if that just happened a lot in my high school. the point is, as life moves on these people would move on, or in magic school chris would move on to more advanced classes etc. the point is his relationships would just sort of be pulled apart. and he was okay with that because that’s just sort of how things work. so in romantic relationships (of which there have been multiple, but none of them like serious y’know), when people move on they just move on. and chris doesn’t feel much when it comes to that. as previously stated, it’s this “in the moment” thing. chris enjoys being with then in that moment. he can’t say if he’ll want to be with them beyond that; that’s not his concern. wyatt always tries to picture a future, chris doesn’t bother (in part because he always sees his brother do that and definitely thinks that’s a contributing factor as to why wyatt's relationships never last (it lowkey is) and just doesn’t emulate that. it doesn’t take that much effort.)

in regard to the being wanting in a relationship turning sour to being rejected, i’m gonna turn this essay to a little analysis on how exactly i think chris’s complexes manifest. the inferiority one is easy. he is A Lot less powerful than wyatt, and yeah, he’s self conscious about it. having your older sibling be so naturally gifted at something is always uncomfortable because your parents always seem just the wee bit flustered when you struggle at something your older sibling excelled at bc it’s clear they are not familiar with the tools to help you succeed because they haven’t needed them until you. but it’s really chris’s relationship with leo that does the most damage. because, need i remind you, chris has already died in leo’s arms. leo’s chris’s father, he can’t shake off that trauma so easily. on top of that, chris is a lot more vulnerable that wyatt, he doesn’t have nearly as many powers, and wyatt has both a much stronger defensive power and a much stronger offensive power. chris only has telekinesis (at the moment 👀) so whenever there’s some dangerous demon threat blah blah blah, i think leo gets really scared that history will repeat itself and chris will bleed out in his arms once again. so leo almost always enlists wyatt to help, once again, because wyatt’s undeniably stronger and can protect chris. in the fic i write, leo is chris’s whitelighter, and honestly probably never allows chris to go out and battle on his own (which is lowkey part of the reason chris doesn’t tell his dad shit anymore). so the way chris sees it, as he does not know at age 22 he died in his fathers arms, is that his dad doesn’t think he’s good enough. he doesn’t want him going out on his own because he’s not good enough. he would rather send wyatt because wyatt’s better, more talented, good enough. so in chris’s relationships, just the fact that they are choosing him, that, in that moment, he is good enough, that’s what makes it worth it. it doesn’t matter whether it lasts or not, because for that time period, he’s the one being chosen, he’s the one they want, and that’s really all he needs. it doesn’t need to be constant, uplifting, endless dedication. it just needs to be there.

#here's my tragic chris halliwell meta : )#charmed #next gen #chris halliwell #💌#charmed next generation

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viktorfm · 4 years ago

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(MAXENCE DANET-FAUVEL, NONBINARY) - Have you seen VIKTOR SAMUELS? VIKTOR is in HIS/THEIR SENIOR year. The VISUAL ARTS MAJOR is 24 years old & is a CAPRICORN. People say HE/THEY are OBSERVANT, INGENIOUS, RETICENT and DEPENDENT. Rumors say they’re a member of KINCAID. I heard from the gossip blog that THEY'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH THEIR THERAPIST. (JAMES. 21. EST. THEY/THEM.)

dont. look at me. i know. anyways if it wasnt obvs i abandoned cupid (n darrow) in order 2 bring the two ocs tht he ws inspired by n ws a combination of bt. theyre better as different ppl methinks.

DEATH, HEAVY GRIEF, OVERDOSE / DRUG ADDICTION, HOSPITALIZATION, HYPERSEXUALITY, RELIGION MENTIONS TW

aesthetic.

old tvs and their static, worn tapes, horror movie screams, spilled ink, a sculptor’s hands, clay-stained, chicken scratch handwriting, messy notes, messy hair, scoffs and eye-rolls, bruised knuckles, sore throats, funeral homes and a crying preacher, shattered ceramics, knife fights, high ledges, vertically-striped pants, red lights, the moon shrouded in clouds, cigarette butts, graveyards and half-empty wine bottles, sitting there for hours and talking to nothing, about nothing, a god complex, gold rings adorning both hands, barbwire baseball bats, having never played baseball in your life, deep eyebags and broken mirrors, a permanent chip on one’s shoulder, yearning, longing, wishing.

basics.

full name: viktor phillip samuels

nickname(s): icky vicky :/

b.o.d. - january 2nd, 1996

label(s): the black hole, the crepehanger, the impious, the opaque, the tempest, etc.

height: 6′1″

hometown: preaker, vermont

sexuality: pansexual uwu

stats

favorite song: disorder, joy division / it’s getting faster, moving faster / now it’s getting out of hand / on the tenth floor, down the back stairs / it’s a no man’s land / lights are flashing, cars are crashing / getting frequent now / i’ve got the spirit, lose the feeling / let it out somehow

background.

born to mama and papa (preacher) samuels in preaker, vermont - fifteen minutes after his twin sister, tatiana samuels. years later, rosa samuels joined the gang.

was an awkward, quiet kid growing up, he didn’t interact well with others and preferred being left alone to dig up worms and draw on the walls of their childhood home. the only exception was his twin, really.

as he got older he grew out of this, but instead became like … sort of an asshole? maybe to compensate for years of childhood awkwardness. he’s the sort of person who will bite the hand that feeds him & developed into a full time nuisance by middle school, unlike tatiana who was much more subtle about her conniving manners.

always has been a fan of ‘darker’ materials. grim & creepy morbid shit. probably the biggest tim burton fan, ever since he was a kid … not a good look for a preacher’s son, but he never really felt ‘in’ with the rest of his family to begin with. classic black sheep syndrome.

drew disturbing pictures as a kid that probably prompted one or two or five phone calls home to assure everything was fine.

just really had a knack for art at a young age, from drawing to painting to playing with clay. it’s always been his thing and probably is the only thing he’s good at.

being twins with tatiana was hard. they were near opposite besides both being quite mean-spirited. tatiana handled being in public better, left a better image behind - but viktor had talent, more than she did. they loved each other deeply - y’know, those unbreakable twin bonds as cliche as it sounds - but found each other as competition for their parents’ attention. a rivalry for affection.

in high school is when viktor really started to act out. it started extreme, like losing his virginity in their church and vandalism around the neighborhoods. faked being possessed in the middle of sunday service & almost had an exorcism performed on him.

his only redeemable trait was like … just his sheer talent in the arts. was in a 3d art ap course and specialized in sculptures. he could pretty much create anything he wanted with enough dedication.

because he was the problem child, the one who deserved to be disciplined for all his antics, tatiana could sneak away and get away with whatever she wanted much easier. on the bright-side, for her, i guess.

not a very motivated person - wasn’t planning on going to college, much less going to yates but his parents literally wrote & sent his college application for him because they weren’t going to house a deadbeat but had too much heart to kick him out onto the streets. cool!

he’s actually pretty smart but he just doesn’t apply himself. has a minor in english because he didn’t care for an extra course-load, but he’s good at writing & analyzing literature. is going to use it to write and illustrate his own series of children books with a style similar to tim burton’s. not for the kids, but because he likes to leave a trail of terror in whatever he does.

has been experimenting with himself since high school but college is where he really had started to crack down on himself. was out as pansexual & nonbinary by his sophomore year of college just … not to his parents, who don’t really need to know.

if you asked him if he believed in twins having a psychic connection with each other - he’d tell you he wouldn’t know. it felt believable at times, but sometimes he had no idea what was going on inside of tatiana’as head. on the other hand - viktor had always felt oddly transparent to her, like she knew all of his moves before he did. the only person who could predict him accurately.

( tw death, grief, overdose / hospitalization beyond this point )

when tatiana disappeared, viktor knew something was up. it was a twist in his gut, pure instinct that something wasn’t right. and it wasn’t right - and when she was proclaimed missing, they couldn’t find her.

and when tatiana died - viktor knew. it felt wrong, something cut so severely in him he could pinpoint her death to the second. he didn’t know how, or why, but he knew it. knew it before anybody else had.

afterwards he went on a sort of bender. he’d begun to struggle with a mild drug addiction late senior year of high school / early college, but he was managing it up until this point.

his mental health had also sunk to an all-time low, when it’d never been great to begin with. (manic & depressive episodes. once fixated on a sculpting project for six months and then knocked it off the table and destroyed it as soon as he finished it for no apparent reason.)

tatiana’s body wasn’t found immediately, and when it was … viktor went off the rails. ended up overdosing & being hospitalized. spent six months in & out of psychiatric care after that.

came back to yates to finish his senior year because … for the reasons above, he hadn’t been able to complete it. just wants to get his credits and get out of here.

is still dealing with a lot of trauma & grief - causes him to spiral and be unpredictable in regards of his mental health. he stopped taking his medication, so. :/ some days are alright, other days are pretty bad.

personality & facts.

the human embodiment of a gremlin that was fed after midnight. a goblin, if you will. one of those cats with a narrow head and really big ears … that’s them!

a big horror & halloween enthusiast. loves the old campy horror movies & probably has an abundance of masks from different movies. dresses like a grimy millennial beetlejuice more than they should because they just … love those black & white vertical-striped pants.

can appreciate the ~urban legends~ at yates and likes to feed into the fear that surrounds them. is probably the cause of a few ‘anomalies’ and ‘paranormal sightings’ because they’re just … a jerk.

fashion alternates between e-boy (they would be tiktok famous if they were 17 & didn’t think that a majorly minor based app was weird.), millennial beetlejuice, and goth in a crop top & sweatpants. big fan of crop tops and a big fan of sweatpants.

they can be really fucking mean? petty, aggressive, a major instigator. will literally spit in your face for little to no reason, you could just look at them the wrong way. the kind of person who will stick their gum into someone else’s hair. other than that? they’re like … sort of okay. they’re not always mean, just a dick about 90% of the time lmao

like okay yeah they’ll call someone a stinky bitch for no reason except they feel like it and believes it. it’s fine, they’re fine, we’re fine.

despite the fact that they’re probably getting into a fight whenever, considers themself to be a lover and not a fighter but that’a primarily because they fuck a lot. uses it as a coping mechanism, like they’re this big fancy carnival show that’s like ‘come one, come all! fuck the dead girl’s twin brother!’ and it’s … a lot. might have a problem with hypsersexuality but they’re not fully aware of it.

the preacher’s whore son, basically :)

pansexual & nonbinary, switches between he & they pronouns often and without a pattern, but they have such a fragile grip on their identity that you could call them ‘dog-faced bitch’ and they’d turn around like. sup.

vastly impulsive … like i said, they destroy their own creations for the fun of it. spends all their money on useless shit, will cheat on someone because they feel like it & likes the thrill, screams into the night sky frequently like a cat in heat.

will also spend months creating useless shit for no reason too. spent six of them sculpting a hollowed out tree the size of them & then took a sledgehammer to it.

they’re very super dramatic. would play the organ at church when nobody was looking after them and service was about to start. would just churn out these super haunting, creepy melodies like they were phantom of the opera. would do the same exact thing at home on their keyboard with the pipe organ setting whenever they got grounded until their parents took it away hbdsjfngkh

will absolutely not talk about their ‘time away’ because it’s not anyone’s business, not even their own younger sister. still refuses to talk about tatiana’s death, or their mental health, or their addiction (fallen back into it but it hasn’t gotten severe … yet :/), or anything involving their own emotions.

will just change the topic abruptly, no warning. asks about the jonas brothers instead and they fucking hate the jonas brothers.

that being said they’re absolutely not over tatiana’s death & it’s to the point of obsession over it. like there’s some kind of secret that needs to be uncovered, even though there just. isn’t. tatiana was their rock and they were pretty much dependent on her. kept them grounded. could control them when nobody else could, got into their head easier than others. it’s sort of like rosa lost two siblings that day because viktor hasn’t been the same since.

emotionally unavailable while also crying twice a day. cries during their brawls but still wins. is stony-faced when they tell you they cheated on you with your much hotter best friend.

will tell you straight up what they want from you, no bullshit & no beating around the bush. just blunt. if they want to fuck, nothing else, then that’s it. if they feel deviation or developing feelings then they’ll ghost in less than a second. is awful like that but feels no shame.

but also emotional as shit and it’s confusing. will cry on a whim and then flip you off if you try to console them or ask them what’s up. will bite you.

they go to therapy but they just fuck around and wastes their therapists’ time … also is fucking their therapist, but that’s neither here nor there. so they’re not really getting the help they need.

likes to be intimidating but not … with their body or anything because they’re a twig but uses their love & knowledge of horror and creepy shit to their advantage. has an abundance of fake blood. has channeled the energy of jack nicholson and used it on tatiana’s boyfriends before (also is a big fan of sfx makeup & has dabbled in it)

probably chases kids around with a chainsaw without the chain on halloween every year.

generally never doing good, both mental health wise & morally. would probably steal candy from a baby for funsies.

i don’t know if there’s a good to them somewhere deep down, but they don’t see any issues with themself either. nothing really breaks through to them anymore because the only person who ever made them stop and think about their actions was tatiana, and well, y’know. :/

an introverted reclusive type who doesn’t like most people or going out, but does so anyway if it means a quick high & a cheap thrill.

pretty observant and likes to analyze people even though they’re often like … partially wrong. judgmental because they like to make people feel bad, not because they’re a righteous mighty person. because they’re not. so like, a hypocrite!

wanted connections.

religious trauma? oh worm ;; three cheers fr <3 guilt <3 anyways uh. just people tht viktor hs known thru the church in some way even tho hes a fkn. freak now. maybe even family friends.

the horror of our love :/ ;; hmm. any romance tht cld b toxic i think this cld fit. just rly a bad fit. viktor doesnt rly know hw to love so nothing rly lasts bt. maybe they try n try n nothing works bt they keep trying. cld also just be anything unrequited.

little fkn gremlins ;; theyre all evil n mean. bt theyre all friends. <3

you are nothing ;; uuh. enemy plots. spicy enemies. rly bad enemies. rivals. they r brutal towards each other bcos nothing viktor does is ever soft.

fuck u dont pity me ;; uh. people who try to get close to viktor n he just. bites at them. he’s like no. bc he assumes ppl who r kind in response 2 his vileness r. theres smth wrong w them. n it might hv to do with pity. n he hates pity.

ugh. locals x ;; ppl who also grew up around preaker, vermont. the samuels r <3 well known folks n the uh. hm. the murder is an ongoing case. so they cld know abt it <3

dont tell anybody x ;; this is for soft plots. i dont know much about soft plots but.

maybe i am part of the problem ;; the problem is chlamydiagate. this is a hook-ups connection. fwbs n one night stands. ppl viktor hs brutally ghosted. he doesnt acknowledge their existence outside of these events, perhaps.

dont u just wna go apeshit ;; this is where viktor becomes a bad influence.

bt uh. anything. pelase

#yatesintro #death tw #grief tw #murder tw #addiction tw #drug abuse tw #hospitalization tw #overdose tw #hypersexuality mention #religion mention #zooweemama

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