#i wanted to upload this for my birthday but was too unhappy with it. will upon you

[13dps]

Now I'm taken, the night has me

[ericszhon]

THE BOYZ for W Korea Vol. 11 • Eric Full Interview

Translated by @.tbzwangdeuls / Oktober 2024.

<W Korea> Hello, this is Eric of THE BOYZ who is in charge of 'visual' and 'height'.

"That's right, I'm Eric who's in charge of visual.....nope. Just joking!"

How have you been spending your days lately? It seems like you're about to get busy.

"Honestly, I feel like I'm going through days that aren't as happy as they would be. It's not that I am unhappy but more of, 'I could have been happier but why am I not?' The members. and the fans know how satisfied I am with my job. But even so, I don't know why I feel like this. It's strange. I am just trying to make an effort to be happier."

It's surprising to hear something like that from someone as passionate as Eric. But isn't happiness something you can attain if you try to force it?

"I think it takes effort to be happy too. My situation these days is like this: I'm reading a book but I have to leave for a bit, so I put a bookmark and close it. Then, when I came back, the bookmark seemed to have disappeared. I can't even remember where I left off. It feels like I am wandering aimlessly in the wilderness."

Have you thought of how will you spend your time that makes you feel comfortable or feel good?

"Although the tour made me physically tired I was happy, and I also have happy memories when I was working on music...but I'm still looking for it. I went for a two-hour (2) walk the other day and while walking, I kept thinking, 'How can I be happy?' I just, think of it as something like a passing rain."

Do you write in between work?

"Sometimes. I often (write it) in my memo. I do it whenever I think of something, like when I was on the plane for the tour, I was watching a movie when I heard a good script and I wrote it down. Do you want to hear it?"

"I first started to write a poem to please a girl. She loves poetry. And I love her." (...) "I might be embarrassed tomorrow for what I wrote today, but I never regretted it. Words are similar to the traces of love."

Ah, I think I've watched that movie too...

"It's a Korean drama called <Single in Seoul>. I actually didn't intend to write it down in my memo but when I heard the part, 'I have never regretted it, I replayed that part, and wrote those down. I might get embarrassed tomorrow but as long as I do my best today...l totally can resonate with that."

It feels like the emphasis is not on the 'love' aspect but rather on the 'attitude towards life', right?

"I am known as a passionate person, even the fans recognize that but it's just like how the bookmark disappeared. There are times when I want to write down lines like "Where am I right now. And I like romance movies. My favorite movie is <The Notebook>. I heard there will be a re-make of it soon, right? Movies like that make me cry so much. It's because I'm an F."

Do you have this kind of mood or personality whenever you talk with your mom who lives in LA?

"I actually talked with my mom on the way to the shoot today after a long time. I don't talk about things like this with my mom but there's something she usually tells me after we talk and before we end the call, "You have to be busy, Youngjae-ya." Yes, I have to keep myself moving without taking a break, it's ok even if I can't get some sleep. If the time I spend alone gets too long, I feel like I am trapped in my own world."

How's working on your mixtape or on music? Working on your songs one by one and as they accumulate, when you look at it next time will give you a sense of security.

"I only uploaded my mixtape <22> on Soundcloud on my birthday. My motif then was '22' and when you combine those two numbers, it will create a heart, so I chose love as the theme. It consists of three tracks that talk about bright love, melancholic love, and my own style of love. I also got a tattoo of the number 22, which is in the shape of a heart. This may sound cheesy, but I don't get much inspiration these days."

When I see boy groups, being close doesn't necessarily mean they talk a lot. However, it seems like THE BOYZ communicates a lot amongst yourselves. While you are searching for your happiness, do you share your thoughts/feelings with them?

"Of course. We all gather around in our waiting room and have some talk 30 minutes before we come on stage. Whether in the hotel or wherever it is, we meet when someone says, 'Let's gather. That's why the amount of conversation amongst us accumulated tremendously. Throughout those times, we were able to confirm that we were looking in the same direction."

What do you think are the necessary things to have for a group to last long?

"It's (to have) Eric (laughs). It's not a joke, and I mean it. Of course, that doesn't mean that other members don't have sincerity. I have a lot of affection too. I might not seem like it, but I have a lot of affection, you know? So there's a lot of affection within the team too. Of course, having an occasional rift in the team is inevitable, but at those times, I try to hold on to the affection that we have and keep my head in the game. It's not just the role I have to take, but each member takes turns fulfilling that role. Putting aside my pride, it might sound cliche, but we must have a "united heart." Trust alone is not enough. Even if we all have our own sense of trust with each other, if everyone is not in the same direction, then it will be difficult to sustain a long-term relationship. Of course, not all 11 of us can have the same goals or dreams; it's possible. But ultimately, our hearts are united, and that matters. We all know very well that we need each other."

You recently had a world tour. Did you feel something different compared to the past tours?

"I felt it very much. As I had to take a break during the tour in 2022, I couldn't participate. That's why this is my first time doing a tour in the U.S. since my debut. My family home is in the U.S, but it's only now that I am doing a tour there. It's also been a long time since we did a tour in Europe. Since I took a break from touring unlike other members, I could feel how the scale-venue and fandom-wise increased greatly. While touring in the U.S., I was finally able to invite my friends living in LA to watch the concert, and I was really happy to spend some time with the members and enjoy our stay in the States."

What kind of feelings do you have now that the new album is fast approaching?

"We have our own colors that we've shown already, and this might be the final look of that narrative. For example, it is like preparing for a short haircut after dyeing the long hair I've been growing. Next time, I could show up with a completely different style, starting from the midpart (of the hair). The desire to break free from this change. For your hair to grow, you have to trim it from time to time, right? So I want to break from this style/mold and try something new. The other members would probably feel the same. Other members would probably feel the same."

If the members talk a lot amongst themselves, you must know each other well. Who is the person that is most different from Eric?

"Although Q hyung is quite different from me, if it's work-wise, I'd say it's Sunwoo. I am ENFJ, you know, with 99% J. I felt at ease when I thought everything out in advance and calculated everything well. I also imagine all sorts of scenarios from a person's tone or gaze, which, yes, can be overwhelming at times. There are moments when I wish I could be reborn. From Sunwoo's perspective, I wouldn't be seen as someone very cool. But I am the person who has the LA vibes... but the two of us can have a 5-hour conversation over mango juice and a cup ramyeon."

It was mentioned that you are swimming upstream like a salmon. Why so?

"It's not only a comparison with a salmon. Was it like.... a yellowtail fish? Flatfish? Ah, a sunfish! I said I'm like the mix of a salmon and a sunfish (laughs). The sunfish is known to die easily if it bumps into something or gets surprised. It's a fish that seems to die from just anything it does."

It's quite strange, isn't it. The more I listen, the more I feel the love between the two of you. Sunwoo talked a lot about Eric. You two also did unit activities together.

"I think Sunwoo's analogy isn't that wrong. I tend to get hurt on the things that I should not. During those times, I lean on the members. Sunwoo is a member I also lean on. Our 'Honey' unit only has good memories in it. The song and choreography were good, the music production was nice, and the promotion was enjoyable. When 11 of us perform together for about three (3) minutes, it's hard to show each one of our charms properly every time. I also heard from the fans how they started to see me differently and became interested because of that song. It was when I was filming for the <Genius Paik Season 2 in Spain when I got a call from Sunwoo. He's not the style who will call you first but he said, "I think we definitely have to do this."

What do you like about yourself when you think about it?

"It's the sincerity I have. I don't hold back when it comes to expressing my sincerity. To me, the concept of doing something half-heartedly doesn't exist. I want to give my best in everything that I do, whether it's for work, working out, love, or whatever it is. I'm already the type of person who tends to stress myself out, and if I don't give my all in something and really regret it, then I won't be able to bear it."

Sincerity and doing your best goes are two things that go hand in hand. You have no regrets when do your best.

"Yes, those two things are connected. Just like what Sunwoo mentioned, I sometimes swim upstream with my busy thoughts, but when I want to reach the point where I originally wanted to get to, I don't fool around. I think it's the same thing. When the company's concept differs from what I envisioned, I try to talk it out to persuade them and find common ground. I want to convince them. If the result of that effort is good, I can't help but feel happy. Even when we are practicing our choreographies while. others are doing well, I insist on our dance teacher to let us practice more. I'm like that kid who raises their hand and asks, 'Teacher, aren't you going to check the homework you gave us yesterday?'. In other words, I can be bothersome and tiring sometimes. Although I am also someone whose existence is essential in a group, I know I can be hard on myself sometimes, but I am not giving up."

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary304

7/19-20/24

friday-saturday

it still entertains me, that i can make the text look like this. it's like the best joke in the world.

anyway today was very good. it was nice to go out and see my gf's friends, they are such different people than i am used to, no drinking really, rather polite, although the politeness kinda extends into a sort of, they aren't rude to me, they aren't rude at all, but they do expect more from others, so for instance if you go out somewhere and you ask for something, my other friends might be more like "whatever" about all that but they're more like, i can't believe this.

the korean bbq place was good, i don't know if i would really want to go back cuz the people there were super overworked and seemed rather unhappy.

her friend was very happy on his birthday, at least, and with this windows outage, he's not had to do a lot of work at the amazon warehouse he suffers in, which is rock and roll at least 20%. i wonder if i'm gonna be able to cash my check #lol. or #buyclothesfromjapan . it will suck if i can't do that... wow.

otherwise, today has been kind of a rollercoaster i guess, it started a little bad, i don't want to get into that but it quickly dissolved into nothing, it was just from my gf being stressed and me being like, i guess not productive about what i thought of something she would start writing to get published in a book chapter, i feel like a dumbass about it but i am just always like, oh what if they're dumb, or what if this prompt is bad, i am too critical of things and don't realize it seems discouraging when all i really want is for her to think about different perspectives to make whatever she does better, i ought to improve on how i approach that kind of thing, because ultimately all i believe when i am doing that kind of thing, is trying to help someone think about writing so that when they get to it, they've already been thinking of these things and they realize they can write from those positions. it is not necessarily useful, though, when there is no piece of writing in front of me. you know. this very quickly blew over but i still feel bad about that, but she is not discouraged and i guess understands me better. i guess it was also partially since i was waking up, i should have thought about literally anything for longer...

anyway, beyond that stuff, today has been good, i worked on 3 songs, i have written the bones of one, did some writing stuff... a lot of fun i am having, i think i maybe need to get to writing more lyrics though, i am also working on a drawing i would like to finish soon.

also i took selfies i need to send them to myself to upload tomorrow... rn i am too tired and i need to sleep because i don't want to mess my sleep up...

so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[kanmom51]

JM JK timeline.- my observations how they grew over the years - 2017

Disclaimer: these are my own opinions and conclusions.  Feel free to disagree, but hate or aggression will be unacceptable.

2017 - part 2

12 Feb 2017 – “You never walk alone” preview show.  Who’s JM’s little cutie? 

14 Feb 2017 – JM Twitter post –  the boys with matching jackets.  I know. I said not Twitter, but sometimes rules are made to be broken.

17 Feb 2017 – Hobi’s birthday.  JM to JK: “stop coming to our room at night.” There’s something about JM throwing JK under the bus time after time.  It’s like he enjoys to see JK squirm.

22 Feb 2017 – Gaon Chart K-pop chart – JK ushering Hobi to another seat, so that JK can sit behind JM.  JM turning around see this, rolls his eyes and smirks.

24 Feb 2017 – KBS Music Bank comeback - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4_ASZuLeVk&t=156s  

Another one of my favourites.  A perfect example for both boys hesitance, wanting to touch, but just not getting there. 

 JM putting arm behind JK, but holding on to wall behind, and then matter of factually laying it on JK’s shoulder.  

JM micro touching, or brushing JK’s hand with his thumb.  

Prior to JM brushing JK’s hand with his thumb, JK’s hand is heart signing to JM. 

The minute JM moves his hand away, you see how the expression on JK’s face changes, then he rubs his hand where JM touched him.

24 Feb 2017 fan meet – are they in actual F… sending flying kisses to each other?

25 Feb 2017 MBC music core comeback – JK moving Hobi aside, so that JK can stand behind JM.  JK being JM’s number 1 fanboy.

26 Feb 2017 – Wings – you never walk alone fan sign.  Really JM? What was that neck grab and what exactly were you doing there????  No, I don’t believe he kissed JK’s neck, but it sure was ‘out there’, so much so that Jin was in total shock when it happened.  JK was surprised by it, and I think that even JM was shocked by his own actions waling aimlessly in what seems like the wrong direction .

28 Feb 2017 Run BTS episode 12. This one for me was cringe worthy, at some points I felt like an actual intruder.  JK the detective and JM the prisoner.  JK whacking JM on the behind (remember JK is the younger – how bold).  JM’s private dance for JK.  I know the episode was mostly scripted, but I seriously think JM was surprised by that smack to his behind.  Also, the way JK was looking at JM when he was dancing all heart hands for him.

12 March 2017 - Wings tour Santiago Chile

Santiago day 2 – JK suffers from exhaustion.  As he is taken back stage to a treatment room, JM is the one to race after the team into the room.

JM is in the treatment room when the cameras come in.  He is standing there, and later, as the other members are walking in, JM is by JK’s side, helping the medical team lift up one of his legs.

The rest of the members come in together to see how JK is doing, and when the medical team suggest to take off JK’s pants, all the members leave the room.  All except for JM, who stays there with JK the whole time.

JM leaves the room only together with JK, after he feels better and is able to walk out of the room on his own two feet.

Wouldn’t you expect RM, being the leader and all, to be the one by JK’s side? Or J-Hope maybe?  Wouldn’t that have made more sense under the circumstances? Why JM?  

Because, clearly JM is the one JK feels closest to, the one he can be himself with freely, the one he doesn’t feel embarrassed or needs privacy from.

JM may not have been a family member, but he was the closest thing to it.  JM to JK is and was his home, his safe place, and most certainly the one to be by his side when he was in distress.

March 2017 BTS Live trilogy episode the Wings tour in Santiago Chile & Brazil.  

March 2017 BTS Live trilogy episode the Wings tour in Chicago.

April 2017 3rd Muster dvd – the muster was at end of 2016, but dvd was released in 2017. During photo shoots they are being posed by the photographers.  Yes, there will be authentic moments between them, but sometimes it’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s being directed.  That’s why I don’t always like to add these to my timeline.   Even so, they were so cute, so I couldn’t leave this one out.

3rd April 2017 – BTS Front row live entertainment interview – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UotjcB_X4ag . What happened there?  

This one intrigues me. I watched and re-watched the full interview several times, and for the life of me I can’t see what happened there between JM and Hobi that triggered JK’s reaction?  JM’s placating look at JK, like telling him nothing happened… this one is used a lot to create the JK jealous narrative, and to be honest, I really don’t know what happened there. When JK turns back, JM looks into the camera with an uneasy gaze.

After that, most of the time, JM looks lost in his thoughts, not happy.  Towards the end they are asked what artist they would want to collaborate with, and Suga’s answer makes them all burst out in laughter, all accept for JM.  When he is asked and answers, you also see he is unhappy.  You can easily see something is bothering him.  JM just wasn’t his happy own self.  He looked pensive.  BTS did several interviews and had a concert that day, so maybe he was just tired or wound up, but he just wasn’t acting like himself.

April 2017 - Bon Voyage 2 Hawaii

Highlights of the highlights: The but checking and identifying (are we taking skinship to another level, are we??).  

JK getting drenched at the beach, JK getting drenched period. Lol.  

JK gobbling down piping hot Pizza so JM can eat. 

JM playing footsies under the table with JK, all while sitting opposite V.  

JK edging JM to come along calling him “Aegyo” = “Baby”.  J

M making sure JK doesn’t go hungry, buying him food with his own money.  JM taking care of JK. 

JK and JM on same team – the joy… Spending the day together and just being happy. 

 Did JK really lose the game on purpose so he can be in the room with JM? 

The amount of times we hear Jimin-ssi in every kind of cute and flirty way JK can say it…

Bonus:

22 April 2017 JK Vlive – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5n8y3D0Z9pM . 

JK doing everything to get JM back to his room while playing loud music. 

JK’s face lighting up when JM returns to his room. 

JK telling JM he looks handsome without makeup.  

JK pissed off when V comes in too, saying “why is everyone coming?”.    

When V touches JK’s ear, JK pushes him away.  

JM moving off camera to fix his robe, and JK not taking his eyes off him.  

V putting his foot on JK’s back (this is something I have seen V do a few times, it’s not a gentle touch, to me it feels more like asserting dominance), and JM pushes him off.    

And what exactly did JM mean when he said he has no talent for games but “I was quite good at it a year ago”?  Only to be followed by the stare, OMG, the stare.  Why, oh why did V have to ruin the moment, eh?

22-23 April 2017 Bangkok concert. Flirting on stage, attention to each other.

24 April 2017 Eat Jin Vlive with JM and JK - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MqxX_UGXSlY .   

Jin complaining why JM doesn’t hit him like he did JK, so JM hits him too. Lol. JM stealing the steak JK cuts for himself, while JK lets him, smiling.  The way JK just lets JM get away with anything, even interfering with the ultimate ‘ship’ - Jungfood. 

3 June 2017 – J-14 magazine interview - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7rXl8uuUTY&t=306s .  from 3.33min. to 4.37min especially.

Wtf was JM up to there????? It looks pretty dubious, especially when you look at the faces on the two of them when it was going on.  Up to your interpretation.

2 June 2017 – Ceremonial first pitch at baseball match – Hanshin Koshien stadium - JK and JM’s jersey numbers – coincidence or not?

12 June Festa 2017 BTS BangtanTv –  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWA6f7g7NUQ&t=2s.

JK’s intense stare at JM, when JM joined the others in with the others when they were laughing at JK eating everyone’s food but not ordering any for himself, which causes JM to immediately stop laughing.  

Poor JK being blindsided when it was pointed out that the only one he bought a birthday present for last year was JM.  Oops. (why oh why JM did you throw him under the bus like that??? You were curious? Really???? JM keeps doing this) Poor boy was so embarrassed.  Hobi was the one to actually save him, stating how generous JK has become lately giving away his things that he didn’t need. JK never answered the question. 

27 June 2017 BV2 special commentary live – JK getting all flustered when asked to explain the difference between BV1 and BV2.  JM looking at him, enjoying every second.

4 August 2017 - KBS Music Bank Singapore.  JK not loving on Taemin.  The way he turns around the minute JM and Taemin interact, and the discontent look on his face…cold.  He’s not a happy camper.  He glancing in the direction a couple of times, but he is mostly turned away from them.   And when JM runs up to slap Taemin in the butt, JK sees this, averts his head, and just keeps walking off the stage.  He is clearly upset. Besides the obvious faces he makes, not waiting for Jimin when walking off stage is not something he usually does. Was it jealousy?  Was it just a disliking of Taemin specifically?  And if he dislikes Taemin, why is that?  We can’t know. 

OK now, I know I said that I won’t be doing Twitter, but this one I felt I had to (again, oops):

On the 6th of August 2017 JM posted a photo he took during their Hawaii trip (BV2). Why take this photo, and why post it?  Do I really have to ask this question?

29th August 2017 the famous, or infamous People Now “arrest me” interview -  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XgGxcMndEk8 .  

I couldn’t find the actual date of this interview, but it was uploaded end of August 2017. I really enjoyed this one.  Everyone talks about JK’s “arrest me” JM mishap during this interview.  The members reactions are to die for.  

Can someone tell me please what Suga told JK in Korean before they moved on?????  

Also, JK’s reaction when JM said he wanted to collab with Suga (watch from 7:58min), was like:

 W H A T  in  T H E  actual F U C K???. LMAO.  

Summer package 2017 – released August 2017.

JK and JM being all playful by the pool.  JK letting us know how adorable JM is to him when he is swimming doggy style in the pool.

The one that stands out to me, though, is the ‘dream catcher necklace saga’.  Felt a little uneasy to see that one, like I was witness to a lover’s tiff.  

The boys were given a budget each to purchase themselves a gift.  They are taken together to a gift shop, where they check the merchandise out and each buy themselves a little souvenir.  When they all sit down to show each other their gifts, that’s when this moment happens.

JK takes out his gift. I once again want to emphasize, this is a gift he bought with his budget for himself.  He explains it’s a dream catcher and says he will put it in his room.  

JM, sitting next to him, takes it from JK and says: “this is a necklace Jungkook-ssi”. 

JK blurts out adamantly that he won’t hang it around his neck.   

This is when things get awkward, because you can see JM is clearly upset, throws the necklace back at JK and says: “OK, then”.

JM has a dream catcher necklace around his neck too, and when it’s his turn to tell what gift he bought himself he takes the necklace off and gives it to V, saying he bought the gift for V, who had a nightmare last night.

After JM’s mini tantrum JK, who previously adamantly professed he will not put it around his neck, does everything he can to put the necklace on, finally turning to JM to help him put the it on, which he does.  

Later on, while sitting for the personal interview, with the necklace around his neck, he tells us how from now on he won’t have nightmares.

What did I get from all that?

Clearly JM was pissed at JK’s reaction.  Why?  JK clearly bought this by himself for himself. 

But did he?  Was it something he chose for himself, or was it something JM suggested to him?

JM also bought a dream catcher.  Was that a coincidence?  For some reason, I don’t think so.  

My theory is that the dream catcher is something JM suggested or wanted JK to buy for himself, and JK reluctance to wear it offended him.  JM clearly bought the other dream catcher for V.  Perhaps he wanted both his boys to have one, and to him, JK’s comment felt as a rejection.

The way JK reacted to JM, his immediate change of attitude towards the necklace, trying to put it on, when only a second earlier he said he won’t put this around his neck, shows how attuned he was to JM, how he immediately realised he did something wrong, something to upset JM, and how he tried, in his own way, to atone for it, by wearing the same thing he but seconds ago rejected.

This brings me back to the point I made about the boys relationship, and them finding the balance. A perfect example to how there will still be conflict, but how JK realises, immediately, that he had done wrong and what he has done wrong, and immediately sets to right the wrong, hence to restore that balance.

JM throwing the necklace at JK.  Also, notice the editor’s remark.  JM’s anger is obvious not only to me.

To be continued... 

[kukuandkookie]

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Trying to ignore the quickening thrumming of her nervous heart, Celeste kept walking, holding her half of the royal wand close to her, as if it could provide comfort. Her twin brother had been acting weird lately, growing more and more irritated, cold, and distant. He always seemed unenergized and unhappy—even more so than usual—and Celeste had started noticing the dark circles under his eyes. He'd texted her via the mirror phone asking to meet. She hoped that maybe he would finally open up to her after so many years of closing himself off, but as she climbed the stairs to the school roof, she grew more and more concerned. Something felt awfully, terribly wrong... Celeste pushed open the door to the school roof and stepped outside. "Crescent?" she called, looking around. "Here." His voice was cold in response, and when she spotted him, he was staring out at the city with his back turned to her. She approached nervously, trying to smile. "Why ask me to meet all the way up here? We could've just talked at home." He didn't reply at first. "Come on, let's go back. I bet Mom and Dad have some after school snacks already prepared for us. Dad's going to get worried like always and call any minute." "I'm not going back. Not right now." He faced her, his eyes flashing with something both icy and fiery, so fierce that it made Celeste step back. "Not with you." Celeste's eyes widened. "Wh-What...? Cressie, what's gotten into you lately?" He took a deep breath as his grip on his half of the wand tightened. "So you noticed." "Of course I noticed!" she cried, exasperated. "I'm your twin sister! I know you better than anyone!" "Don't be so sure." His gaze snapped back to her, still in the form of a glower. "You didn't realize what was eating away at me all this time." Celeste swallowed. "If this is about the throne again—" He shook his head. "It was never just the throne. It was always you." She froze. "What...?" "It was always you. You were the first one born, the female, the heir to the throne; you were the one who got magic first, and you were the one who was given the wand. They trained you to be the next queen. And you are the fun, bubbly one, the one everyone wants to be friends with. Everyone's attention is always on you." Crescent's voice was rising with each word now, tears appearing in his eyes. The grip on his wand kept tightening, and it glowed dangerously. Celeste held her own wand close to her as if it were a shield, beginning to cry. "Cressie... We don't... We never—!" "It was always you! It was always about you!" he shouted. She stumbled backwards, startled by the dark mist that had surrounded him. The breeze on the school roof had picked up and become like a whirlwind, causing their hair to flap about as Crescent's eyes turned white, leaking what looked like black ink. She could see white veins spreading on his graying skin, leaving marks on his face and blackening his white crescent moon cheek marks as he began to float upwards, his hair growing longer. Antennae like black horns appeared on his head as he grew more arms, with his fingers turning into claws. "I never stood a chance!" he screamed, red-and-black butterfly wings unfurling from his back. His voice had taken on an echo, as if there was someone else speaking too, speaking through him... He blasted dark magic at her, missing her by a few centimetres and causing cracks on the roof. She jumped back, terrified. "So I hope you're all taking a good look now! Because I am going to destroy what makes you so much better than me," he continued, floating downwards toward her. He gripped her neck and lifted her upwards, causing her to choke for air. "Wait," she gasped. He took her wand from her and smiled a cold smile, revealing sharp teeth. He no longer looked like her brother. "Let me show you the best magic trick of all," he whispered. She kicked her legs and struggled in his grip. She had no idea what he was going to do, but she was absolutely terrified. This was her twin brother she was speaking to, and yet it was no longer him. He was gone, replaced by something far more sinister. His eyes became pinpricks as the smile grew, and he pulled her closer so that they were eye-to-eye. "I'm going to destroy all magic." Celeste's eyes grew large as she stopped moving, shocked by this revelation. But you love magic... “Crescent, no…” Her mind was racing, but she was too stunned to say anything else in response. He laughed and released her, causing her to fall down, down, down...into the cracks on the roof and down into the school, all the while she stared up in disbelief. It was like she wasn't actually there—her mind and body were elsewhere, somewhere above her, watching her fall—and yet she could still see her brother—no, whoever has replaced my brother—laughing maniacally above her. It isn't Crescent, she thought desperately. It can't be. It just can't be. She wanted to scream. This isn't like you! But before she could do anything... Her body hit the floor.

Next: [coming soon] It's been almost a year since I drew this (originally uploaded to my DeviantArt sta.sh July 28, 2019). I waited because I hoped I could share more of Crescent and Celeste's story before I revealed where their sibling rivalry is headed, but even I get impatient and excited about sharing. So here we are. That, and it's my birthday, so I'm going to post what I want hehe. Remember this comic and this comic? Yeah. This is what Crescent's jealousy is building to.

I'll try creating more art of their story to show more of what happened before and after this, but please be patient with me! You can find the art I’ve already made here or here!

[talpup]

Light In the Darkness:35

SORRY!!!  I’ve been uploading this fic every Tuesday on ao3 but have forgotten to post updates here.  You all need to tell me these things.

Please remember this fic is rated mature and has warnings of violence, abuse, sexual tension, eventual sexual behavior, and other possible triggers.  For a full list of story tags please check the fics AO3 (link to that at the top of my tumblrs homepage).

Chapter 35

Three days later, Yami and Gendry headed out to capture the lone Saber Wolf that had been sniffing around Pilfer’s kennel causing him to tear up his cage.  Abril had wanted to go but Gendry had told her no.  She had pleaded her case to Yami but he had been of no help.

Heading down the hall to the back of the house, Abril exited back door and found Teris tending her mint garden.

Joining her, Abril asked.  “How much effort to they take?”

“Lucky for me, my father was right,” Teris said.  “Mint is practically a weed.  It pretty much takes care of itself.”

“So what do you do with them.”  Abril asked.

“Whatever you want.  Tea, flavoring, scents, even additions to salves.”

“But why so many different kinds?”

“Different properties and flavors.  It was a hobby of my mother’s.”  Teris said smiling sadly.

“You miss her.  Your mother?”

“I use to miss her all the time.  Not a single day would go by that something wouldn’t happen that I would want to tell her about. Often several times a day, there would be something that brought her to mind or made me remember a moment I had with her.”  She sighed. “Now, days pass where I don’t think about her even once.  I’ve forgotten the sound of her laugh.  The stern but amused, patient expression she use to give me when I didn’t behave as a young royal lady should.  It’s funny.  Back then all I wanted was to get to this point.  Where she stopped haunting my every moment.  Now that I’m here.  I realize how stupid I was.”

“I had a twin.”  Abril confessed.  “We weren’t identical.  He died before we turned six.  I often use to wonder what he would look like were he still alive.  What he’d want to do with his life.  If we would have still been inseparable or hated each other.  Now, I only really think about him on our birthday and the day he died.  I know it’s not the same--”

“But it hurts.  Loss is loss.”

Abril nodded.  “Sometimes I think that’s why I make such a horrible girl.  Because I’m trying to live for the both of us.  I know it doesn’t make sense--”  She stopped unable to go on.

“Does it make sense to you?”  Teris asked.

Unable to speak Abril merely nodded.

“Then it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else.”

35.2

Yami and Gendry sat at the dinner table, exhausted.  Not only had the Saber Wolf put up a hell of a fight but Pilfer hadn’t been pleased with a new neighbor and had broken through the kennel twice.  In the end Yami had enlisted Tobin’s help and the three had moved the newly captured Wolfs cage down wind and out of sight of the unhappy Pilfer.

“You should have let me join.  I could have used my magic on it.”  Bran said again.

Gendry had already explained on multiple occasions why such a thing would’ve been counter productive to the training and trust of the new addition and Yami was too tired to do so himself.  Instead Gendry glowered at the younger boy until he stopped talking and shrunk in his seat.

Still mad at Gendry and Yami for not letting her join them, Abril sat to the left of Gendry refusing to speak or look at him.

“Seems you’re getting the same treatment I am.”  Yami commented glancing passed Gendry to Abril.

“Only I’m thankful for it.”  Gendry responded.  He looked over at Teris who sat across the table between Venice and Olsen.  “When do you think she’ll move back to her regular seat?”

Yami had quit playing seat shuffle and had taken to sitting in what had been his usual seat, between Gendry and Tobin.  Teris had quickly caught on and had stop trying to sit in her usual place altogether forcing Venice to sit across from Yami as she sat across from Tobin.

Understanding his friends meaning Yami sighed.  “Soon, I hope.  I’m getting impatient.”

“Yeah well, patience isn’t exactly your strong suit,” Gendry said.

“So what are you two gonna name the beast?”  Tobin asked Yami and Gendry.  “Though since I helped move its cage I should at least get a vote if not be allowed to make a suggestion.”

“You can make all the suggestions you like,” Yami said.

“We just don’t have to listen to them.”  Gendry added.

Tobin looked over at the two of them.  “So?  What are you going to name it?”

“Don’t know.”  Yami said mixing his vegetables in with grains.  “Have to work with him a bit and get to know him.”

“I say we name him Rover,” Bran said.  “You know since he was roaming around Pilfer’s.”

“No.” Yami told not even looking at the boy.

“Aw, come on.  At least consider it.”  Bran urged.

“I’d like your help sectioning off the training pen.”  Yami told Tobin easily ignoring Bran.

“You don’t want to add to it?”

“No.” Yami shook his head toying with his food.  “Too large and it’ll only make them more difficult to control.  Pilfer’s good with obeying commands and will be of use when training the other but first they have to adjust to one another.”

“Which they won’t be able to do if they can avoid each other from opposite sides of an overly large pen.”  Tobin nodded understanding.  “Sure. Tomorrow sound good?”

“The sooner the better.”  Yami responded.  “Gendry.  You good with tomorrow?”

“Unless this quiet breaks and there’s a mission,” Gendry said.

Yami remembered what Jack had told him a few nights back.  His eyes slid over to Jax and Bronn.  If Jack was right and wasn’t just fooling with him there would soon be a squad challenge.

Bronn caught him staring.  “What?”  He questioned chewing.

Yami couldn’t be sure if it was his sense of Ki or just a gut feeling but he looked back to Tobin.  “Never mind.

“What? Why?”

“Yeah.” Bran said from across the table of Gendry.  “I want--”

“You won’t be doing anything anyway so shut up.”  Yami told.

Bran deflated.

“What are you thinking?”  Gendry asked after everyone had settled down. “What’s going on?”

“Not sure.”  Yami said glancing at Jax and Bronn again.  “But I’d take it easy the rest of the night and turn in early if I were you.”

35.3

At Jax’s request Bronn had asked Gilly to come and check in on Teris before lights out.  The Captain and Vice Captain would be giving their squad a rude awaking before sunrise and Jax had wanted to make sure Teris had been getting enough sleep and wouldn’t loose control of her mana during the coming challenge.

“I checked her over after I got her message a few days ago.”  Gilly told Bronn as he greeted her.

“Captain just wants to be sure she’s—wait.  What message?”

“Bronn. You know I don’t discuss my patients with anyone unless their health or anothers safety requires it.”  Gilly told.

“Well in this case it just might, love.”

“The Magic Knights Squad--”

“Shh.” Bronn hushed pulling her aside and looking around.  “Not so loud.”

Gilly allowed herself to be lead to the darkened area behind the stairs of the great room.

“Every Healer is on call.  There’ll be six teams present and available with the usual one on shift at Healers Hall and the other two ready to assist should the need arise.”  She shook her head.  “Mana help us if some gang or army got the bright idea to attack the kingdom during this.  With only the Sentries out in mass while you Magic Knights pummel and try to kill each other--”

“That’s why it’s not announced.  That and not giving the kiddies a chance to prepare let’s us see what they’re worth.”  Bronn smiled.

“Can’t you all think of a less dangerous way of testing their prowess?”

“Being a Magic Knight is dangerous work, Gilly.”

She sighed placing a hand on his chest.  “Don’t I know it.  I see it enough everyday.  Whether it’s from simple sparring or an actual mission.  There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t see a report or personally treat a Magic Knight for injury.”

“That’s cause they’re a bunch of babies going to the healers for minor scraps and broken bones.”  Bronn waved off.

“You’re not helping,” Gilly said.

“Oh? You want my help, is that it?”  He wrapped an arm around her waist the other grabbing her bottom and pulled her closer.

Gilly yelped in surprise then giggled scolding quietly.  “Bronn!  Not here.”

Bronn looked over his shoulder listening.  Seeing and hearing nothing he walked her back a couple steps and pinned her between his body and the wall.

“I miss you.”  He breathed as he drove down to her neck the hand about her waist sliding up and around to cup her breast.

Gilly’s breath hitched her leg rising slightly as the hand on her bottom pulled her to his need.  Lashes fluttering as her eyes rolled back slightly, Gilly grabbed his shoulders in a weak attempt to stop him.

“We saw each other just the other day.”  She said her hands moving around his shoulders to pull instead of push as he ground his lower half into her.

“Seeing isn’t feeling.”  Bronn muttered his lower lip and tongue grazing up her neck to her mouth to silence any other protest.

One hand moving up around his neck the other dropping down to his ass. Grabbing and pulling him closer Gilly had no argument left even if Bronn had allowed her one.

35.3.2

Hearing amorous noises from behind the stairs Jax stood beside the stairways railing.

“Find a room for manas sake.  There’s kids about.”  Jax said smirking at the change in noise.

Gilly pushed Bronn away in truth this time.  Bronn straightened spinning around, protecting Gilly from view.  He didn’t need to as Jax was considerate enough to have his back turned to them.

“Captain.” Bronn cleared his throat.  “We were just about--”

“Don’t need you to tell me what you were about.  It was quite obvious.” Jax told unable to stop himself from the tease.

Gilly blushed a deeper red, holding a hand to her chest clasping her partially undone top and slapping Bronn smartly on the shoulder.

Jax hear the hit and chuckled.  “Evening, Gilly.  Have you seen Teris yet?”

“I was--”  She cleared her throat missing a button in her haste to button her blouse.  “I’m headed to her directly.”

“Good. Come see me in my office after.”

“Of course.”  Gilly nodded needlessly as Jax’s back was still turned to them.

“Bronn.”

“Sir.”

“Let her do her job before you go distracting her with extracurriculars.”

Bronn pulled his lips between his teeth lowering his head, expecting the open handed hit Gilly gave him.  He looked up at his Captains back and guiltily muttered.  “Yes, sir.”

35.4

Seated in his office across the low coffee table from his Vice Captain, Jax smirked at Bronn.  Embarrassed for Gilly’s sake Bronn looked away shaking his head unable to stop the smile that formed.  The two men shared a chuckle.

Bronn throwing his head back and sighed.  “Oh man!  She not gonna forgive me for that anytime soon.”

“Nor should she.”  Jax smirked eye squinting in appreciation of the shot of fire water he downed.  The Captain exhaled slowly looking at the empty glass.  “That’s good.”

“It was till you interrupted.”  Bronn said righting his head.  “Oh.” He quirked a brow seeing the shot glass in his Captains hand.

Jax chuckled again shaking his head.  “You were the one pursuing things out in the open.”

“Can’t help it Captain.  I think she’s the one.”

“Really.” Jax said in almost bored disbelief.

“I‘m serious.”  Bronn stated.

“I can see you think you are.”

“Have I ever made such a statement before?”  Bronn challenged.

“Once,” Jax said.

Bronn sobered recalling his drunken words years ago before he and Jax had risen to the point of Captain and Vice Captain.  I’m gonna marry that woman one day, his slurred words echoed in his mind about Mereoleona.

“I was a foolish boy.”  Bronn admitted.  “Even so--”  He shook his head and sighed.  “Even after I wised up and realized the impossibility of such a thing.”  He ran a tongue between his teeth and lower lip, scratching his head.  “I thought I’d be pinning over that Lioness for the rest of my days.”

“When’s the last time you thought about her?”

“Leona?”

Jax nodded, studying his friend.

“Six. Seven months.  At least.”

Jax blinked at that realizing this thing with Gilly was serious.  The two hadn’t started dating till shortly before the Star Awards Festival at the end of March.

“I know.”  Bronn said seeing his Captains expression.  “I got it bad.  And unlike the last one, this one is attainable.  If she’ll have me.”

“Promise me one thing.”

“Anything.” Bronn said without hesitation.

“Give me notice before you propose.  I’ll need time to find a replacement.”  Jax smiled at his friend and muttered.  “As if you could be replaced.”

“I’m not planning on quitting Captain.”  Bronn told.

“You many not plan on it but wives hold great sway over their men.  I don’t see Gilly tolerating her husband facing the dangers of a Magic Knight let alone a Vice Captain.  Do you?”

Bronn stopped and thouhgt.  Knowing Gilly she might even make his retirement a condition before agreeing to marry him.  “Damn it.” He cursed dropping his face into his hands and rubbing roughly.

Jax smirked.  “I suppose time will tell, how serious you are about her.”

“I won’t leave you without a suitable replacement.  That’s for sure.”  Bronn stated firmly.

“I wouldn’t expect you to.  Not to mention if you did, I’d kill you. Wouldn’t want leave your girl a widow before you could fully enjoy the perks of married life.  Not that you haven’t sampled them already.”

“Oh, Captain!”  Bronn smiled raising his eyebrows.  “I could gorge on those delights for days.”

“Don’t.” Jax said scrunching up his face tempted to take another shot of drink after the image.  “Don’t talk about your girlfriends delights.  And don’t go tasting them out in the open of my base again.  You should be ashamed of yourself.  What if Bran had come across the two of you?”

“Have you heard how big his family is?  Living in such a small farmhouse. That boy already knows what’s what, I guarantee you.”  Bronn said.

“Or Yami.  Or Teris.”  Jax said mentioning the other two youngest squad members.

“Yami?” Bronn scoffed.  “You’re kidding me.  Right?  Have you seen the way that boy looks at that girl?  I tell you he’s done more to her in his mind than Gilly and I have done in truth.  As for Teris.  If those two end up getting together and have their happily whatever, that girl’s gonna have to get use to such things cause I tell you, that boy has no shame.”

Jax smirked thinking his Vice Captain had a point on both accounts. Still, there was no sense in their happening across such things and getting ideas.  “Never again.”  Jax told.

“I know.  I know.  I’m sorry.”  Bronn sighed.  “I wonder what’s taking her so long.”

“Miss your girl already?”

Bronn’s lip twitched.  He remembered what Gilly had said and told his Captain.  “She mentioned something about getting a message from Teris a few days ago.”

Jax sat forward uncrossing his legs.  “What kind of message?”

“Don’t know.  She claimed Healers confidentiality or some such.”

“So it was official.”

Bronn nodded.  “I take it you didn’t know anything about it.”  He said watching his Captain sit back and sigh.

Jax shook his head considering.  “Gilly just saw her the morning of the Winter Celebration three days ago.  So this was sometime after that?”

“I guess so.”  Bronn shrugged.

The two sat in silence for a long while till there was a knock on the door.  Bronn stood and opened it letting Gilly in.

“Dismissed.” Jax told his Vice Captain.

“Aw, Cap--” At Jax’s expression Bronn fell silent.  “Sir.”  He cleared his throat brushing Gilly’s arm as he passed closing the door after him.

“Please. Sit.”  Jax gestured to the chair Bronn had vacated.  “Sorry. All I have to offer is whiskey that could double as d-varnisher.

“It’s alright.”  Gilly said sitting on the edge of the seat.  “I’m fine.”

“And my squad members?  How are they?”

“They?”

“You had been stopping by the second floor and looking in on Yami as well. Have you not?”

Gilly smiled nervously.

“I may not look all that bright.  May not even be all that bright.  But, I know how to look after my people,” Jax said.

“They’re both doing well.”  Gilly breathed.  “Though I had my concerns when I peeked in on Yami and found that he had already turned in for the night.”

“He’s another one that may not seem all that bright but is quick on the up take when it matters.”  Jax told.  “Just glad he encouraged the other lads to take it easy after all their exertions this afternoon.” Jax smirked wondering if Bronn could hold off with Gilly until Yami rose to be a Third Class Senior Magic Knight, making him eligible to be named Vice Captain.  Having Yami as Vice Captain would certainly provide its challenges but at least it’d always be interesting.  He focused his eyes on Gilly.  “So they’re getting enough sleep.  No fear of loss of control for tomorrows challenge?”

“Not for lack of sleep and over exhaustion.”  Gilly answered.

“But you make no promises should they loose control for reason other than lack of sleep.”  Jax chuckled and stated.  “You’re too smart for Bronn.”

“He covers what I’m lacking,” Gilly said.  “I like to think we complete each other after a fashion.”

Jax’s brows jumped at that as he laughed outright.  “A like you.  You’re good for him.”

“As his Captain and closest friend, I am grateful for your approval.”

“Tell me, what was Teris’ message about?”

Gilly stiffened at the sudden change in the Black Bulls Captains demeanor. “I can tell you’re concerned--”

“I don’t know how much you know about those two,” Jax interrupted, “given the secrecy and gag orders that seem to be thrown left and right whenever Yami and Teris are involved but the normal rules don’t apply to them.  Your Healer code of confidentiality,” he shook his head, “it has no meaning where those two are concerned.”  He pulled out his grimoire.  Opening it he slipped out a folded parchment that bore the Wizard Kings seal.  “I can see you have your doubts and require proof.  I respect you for that.  But it doesn’t change the fact that I still need to know.”  He stretched out the paper to her.  “Take a look.”

Gilly took the official letter.  Opening it she read.  It didn’t explain why.  It didn’t give any sort of reasoning actually.  She had no doubt it was from Sir Jorah; short as it was it was written by his own hand.

“Alright then.”  She breathed handing him back the note.  “What do you want to know?”

Magic Knights Challenge next chapter.  It’ll be a long one that I hope you all will enjoy.  Lots of drama, fighting, BC characters, and maybe, just maybe some making up between Yami and Teris.

Thank you to those who have left hearts.  And a special THANK YOU to those who have recently left comments or re-blogged. They really mean a lot.

Taglist: @captncappuccino .

[kpop-scenario-lover]

Unhappy Marriage~Yongguk~Final

*GIF is not mine credits to the owners*

Words;1k

Genre: Angst

So it’s my baby’s birthday today! I decided to write this and upload in honour of Yongguk’s birthday today. Gosh I love this man so much, what I would give to meet him in person. I hope he has a wonderful birthday. He deserves the world I swear. Happy Birthday to this precious man<33333

I hope you guys enjoy the story!

It had been a couple days since Somi had kidnapped you and Yongguk saved you.

You were so thankful to him. You didn't know how to thank Yongguk. He saved you.

You had been staying at Yongguk's for the last couple days. You were to nervous to go back to your apartment. Yongguk insisted that you stay with him, so you hesitantly agreed to stay.

As the sun shone in your eyes you groaned and rolled over. You slowly opened your eyes.

You decided last night that today would be the last day that you stay at Yongguk's house.

You slowly got up and started go gather your things. You looked around the room. It was the guest bedroom but it still held so many memories for you.

You jumped a little when you heard a knock on the door. You quickly walked to the door and opened it slowly.

Your eyes widened slightly as you saw Yongguk standing there on the other side.

"Yes Yongguk? What's wrong?" You asked him softly.

He bit his lip. "I-I was wondering if we could maybe talk?" He asked softly.

You looked down. You weren't sure if you were ready to talk to him again. You hasn't talked to Yongguk since he saved you that day.

You slowly looked back up. Now or never right? You thought to yourself.

You nodded your head. "Y-Yeah sure. Come in." You said as you moved out of the way.

Yongguk hesitantly entered the room. His eyes roamed the room and soon landed on your bag. His eyes widened slightly.

"You're not staying?" He asked you softly.

You bit your lip and shook your head. "I've exceeded my stay. I can't stay here forever Guk." The nickname slipped.

Your eyes widened but Yongguk frowned. "Of course you can stay. Y/N this is your home too." He told you as he stepped forward.

You took a step back and looked up at him. You gave him a sad smile. "This isn't my home any more Yongguk. It hasn't been for awhile. We both know that." You told him softly.

Yongguk looked down ashamed. You smiled and walked up to him. You gently lifted his head up.

"I don't hate you. So don't blame yourself. You can't help how you feel. Feelings are hard to change. Don't blame yourself." You told him softly.

Yongguk shook his head. "This is my fault. I-If I just took care of you, and loved you like a husband should. We wouldn't be here right now. You wouldn't have been kidnapped. We could've been happy." He said as tears started to form in his eyes.

You wiped his tears. Giving him a smile you cupped his cheeks. "Once again Yongguk you can't blame yourself for how you feel. You don't love me, a-and that's okay. I've come to terms with that." You told him as tears came to your eyes.

You quickly wiped your eyes. "If you're worried about my feelings Guk, don't. I'll be okay." You looked into his eyes. "I always am."

Yongguk took a step forward and wrapped his arms around you. He hugged you tightly. He started crying silently.

You froze not knowing how to react to this. You slowly brought your arms up and wrapped them around Yongguk, hugging him back tightly.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Y/N. I never meant to hurt you. You're my best friend. We've been friends since we were kids. I do love you." He told you.

You laughed lightly. "Not the way I love you though." You whispered as you slowly pulled away from him.

You wiped your eyes once again and looked up at him.

"Please Yongguk don't make this any harder than it is for me." You told him.

Yongguk frowned and nodded slowly. "I-I'm sorry." Yongguk said softly.

You took in a deep breath. "I should go. It's time for me to go."

You turned around and went to grab your things. You felt a hand on your wrist.

"Can't you stay? Please?" Yongguk asked softly.

You shook your head. "We both know the answer to that Yongguk. I can't stay. It'll be to hard. For both of us. You'll harber so much guilt towards me for not feeling the same. And I'll have a harder time moving on than I already am."

Yongguk looked down and slowly let go of your wrist.

You gave him a small smile and grabbed your bag. You walked towards the bedroom door.

As you got to the door you reached for the handle. You turned around one last time.

"I really hope you find the one for you Guk. Please don't force yourself into some unhappy marriage like you did with me. Find the one. Be happy. Okay?" You told him. "Goodbye Guk. Please take care of yourself."

As you left Yongguk stared at the door as it closed. More tears fell down his face. I did find the one for me. It just took me forever to realize it, and now she just walked out of my life forever." He said outloud.

You walked down the hallway and wiped your eyes but the tears wouldn't stop falling.

You quickly got out of his house and to your car.

You let out a strangled cry and covered your face with your hands as you cried.

After a couple minutes your crying slowed down. You looked up at his house once again.

You did forgive Yongguk, but you couldn't go back to pretending that your marriage was the happiest thing in the world when it wasn't.

You had to let him go. You had to let each other go maybe then the both of you could find happiness in your lives. Maybe the both of you could stop pretending to be happy.

The thing was though in those years you were married to Yongguk you were happy. Yes it hurt you to see him with other girls and it hurt you that he didn't feel the same about you as you did him. But just being with him made you happy.

You didn't know if you were ever going to be happy again, but one thing you did know was the time you spent with Yongguk, overall made you happy.

You smiled at this realization. Maybe your unhappy marriage wasn't that unhappy after all.

If you guys want me to make an alternate ending with a happy ending I can do that! I’d just want to know if anyone would actually read it lol thank you for reading! <33

[alxspeaks]

As some of you may have noticed, I have been pretty quiet on social media recently. In fact, I went roughly 2 months without as much as opening up a social media app. In total, it was 3 months until I officially made a post from any of my social media accounts. Now this may not seem like such a big deal, but like most of the world’s population I was addicted to social media.

In 2019, it is estimated that there will be around 2.77 billion social media users around the globe and that figure continues to increase (The Statistics Portal).Social media is everything right now: people turn to Twitter before they turn on the news, every business has a social media platform, and it is now the easiest way to contact anyone from your Mom to Cardi B. Everyone is involved in some aspect of social media and it is so easy to get caught up without even realising it. I would often find myself constantly hopping between Facebook, Instagram ,Snapchat and Twitter, scrolling, uploading and posting. It was the first thing I did when I woke up and the last thing before I went to bed. I would stay up late with nothing but the glare from my phone screen glowing on my face as I would constantly follow updates and news feeds. It had gotten to the point where I began to feel uncomfortable without my phone in my hand and whenever I felt a bit socially awkward it was the first thing I would look for. I began to depend on it and this twisted relationship started to trigger a lot of problems for me.

It all began in March 2018 just after my 24th birthday when I started to really notice a big change in my overall mood: 50% of the time I was unhappy and the other 50% I spent worrying and feeling anxious. Throughout my time at University I had been noticing increased anxiety and changes in my mood but after graduation it just seemed to be getting progressively worse. It came to a point where my overall outlook on life was consistently negative and I was miserable, unable to eat, sleep or think clearly. I had this feeling that I was just a total failure at everything and I was finding it extremely difficult to cope with life. I was really scared of the thoughts going through my head and I felt as though I had no control over my emotions. Although I had felt overwhelmed and stressed before, I knew that this was different but I had no idea what was happening to me. I sought advice from a friend who I knew was open about her mental health journey and after speaking to her I took a huge leap and decided to refer myself to my local mental health team.

This was just the worst thing for me as I hate drawing any attention to myself, yet, here I was,  preparing to talk to total strangers about my life. I started doing my own research into the way that I was feeling and I began to discover that I had symptoms similar to that of Anxiety.These were symptoms that I had been suffering with with for over 5 years and I had just put it down to stress or to me simply overreacting and being silly. I was later diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) Social Phobia and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. MAD! One day i’m just me trying to live my best life, and the next I suddenly have three Anxiety Disorders that I now have to manage and understand. The change was huge and I felt as though I had to learn who I was all over again as all of this time I had been living with a mental health condition that I knew nothing about. It’s crazy to think that if I hadn't taken my health into my own hands I would have never had any answers for the way that I had been feeling all of these years.

There were various different factors that had led up to this point in my life, University being the main one as that was when I had my first signs of anxiety: my self-confidence had really plummeted and I found myself feeling completely lost. After graduation, everything just seemed to be going wrong like my entire future was slipping away from me and I was helpless to stop it (Post-Graduate Depression see article links below). I was under way too much pressure from myself, my family (being the sole carer for two parents with long term illnesses), and from life in general with no help and no one who could truly understand. I was really unsettled and didn’t have anywhere to truly call my home. Job rejections had just become so commonplace that I didn’t even realise how much it was affecting my self confidence. Family and friends that I thought I could count on had all left and in the space of about 3 weeks my friendship circle had more than halved, at a time when I needed the most support I felt truly alone. During this time, I was still active on social media scrolling away, but the more I scrolled the worse it made me feel about my own life and each time I put down my phone after being on social media I felt upset. At times, I was even drawn to tears. Not only was it lowering my self-esteem and fueling the ideas in my head that ‘I am a failure’, it was also a huge trigger for my Anxiety. Once I realised this, I knew I had to take action, but I honestly didn’t know how. Then, one day, I went to spend some time with one of my closest friends and she said four life changing words to me. ‘You have a choice’. As obvious as this may seem I had genuinely forgotten that I actually have the option to choose whether or not to participate in social media. She explained that she had been through a similar experience and that she had to set herself some very strict rules. One of them was that she only logged in when she was making a social media post and logged out straight after; she never scrolled! That was all the advice I needed and I immediately logged out of all my social media accounts and guess what? The world didn’t end and I finally felt as though I had control over one aspect of my life. I now controlled social media; it did not control me. The moment I logged out, I didn’t feel the urge to log back in for months. However, I still found myself reaching for my phone out of habit. So, to shift my focus, I downloaded apps that are constructive uses of my time such as wordscapes, Duolingo (started learning new languages) and Headspace (mindfulness meditation).

Throughout all of this I was still struggling whilst awaiting my first counselling appointment on a 3 month waiting list, but I put on a brave face, carrying on with business as usual. Then, one day, I snapped. I had a huge panic attack and during this whole episode I accidently smashed my phone. I had completely given up on life and I felt as though no one understood what I was going through.

So, there I was, completely broken and no phone, no contacts, no apps, nothing! Ordinarily I would have been even more of a mess after breaking my phone, but I later found that this gave me the push I needed to understand that I don’t need to be contacting people all the time and people don’t always need to be updated on my every move. In fact, it’s when I am most quiet on social media that I am working my hardest, and at this particular time it was vital that I put all of my efforts into working on me and my well being.

In addition to this, (I have a confession to make, here it goes…) I haven't picked up a pencil in over a year! Unfortunately I have not been able to design as much as a vest since last year summer. When my mental health deteriorated, so did my creative flow. However, I did not see it at the time so I just put more pressure on myself to create a new collection until it made me sick and my body started to shut down. I went without sleep, food, water, social life, pretty much everything a human needs to function. I was forcing myself to produce work in ridiculous time frames, frantically trying to prove to myself and the world that I am good enough. The fact that I couldn’t think clearly just caused me more frustration but mostly I didn't want to let everyone down: all of you who believe in me and my creative talent. I already felt like a failure in my own eyes and I didn’t want anyone else to think the same. My desire was to be constantly seen on social media doing amazing things in fashion but that just wasn’t my reality.

The truth is, I had built up so much pressure around myself and my fashion career that it became a huge anxiety trigger for me. As a result, I haven't been able to return to my beautiful design studio in nearly a year. Me, Alex, who lives and breathes fashion. I wrestled with the idea for a long time but I was forced to take an extended break from fashion design and my other projects until I saw some improvement in my mental health. I once said that if I was to suddenly die I wouldn’t be upset because I was no longer alive, I would be upset because I didn’t get the chance to live a life that I enjoyed living. I had to take a break and readjust my whole life, it was seriously a matter of life and death; I had to put my fashion career on hold.

I’ve heard of so many artists, musicians and writers taking creative breaks and now I completely understand why. My creativity is such a huge part of me but it only works when i’m in good health. Anything that I create outside of that is just not a clear representation of me as an artist. I was so focused on trying to live my best life through the eyes of others that I forgot to look after myself. Right now, living my best life currently looks like attending my therapy sessions, remembering to breathe, drinking plenty of water and practicing mindfulness. I plan to take as much time as I need to focus on me and my health so that I can come back stronger and produce something that’s true to who I am as a designer when I am at my best. So next time you see me, don’t ask how my collection is going, ask me how I am doing!

We often look at people who do great things and admire them from afar. In our eyes they might seem like the best and the brightest and it’s easy to assume that all is well with them. But, my experience has shown me that this is one of the most dangerous assumptions a person could make. I was still going through all of this trauma when I was raising the money for my collection, when my shirt design was sold in Hawes and Curtis and when I became one of Birmingham’s 30under30 finalists. I realised that I had been wearing a happy mask and suffering in silence for years until it eventually fell down and I was left to deal with everything that I have been hiding from. It came to the point where I was just waiting for someone, anyone, to ask me if I was ok. Then, finally, I took my health into my own hands and bravely asked for help.

I am currently undergoing therapy sessions with the best therapist ever and we are working through small steps to help me get better. I finally have somewhere safe that I can call my home and i’ve started spending more time doing things that I enjoy like being outdoors and writing poetry. I also started doing yoga and practicing mindfulness meditation so I can learn how to switch off when my head is just doing the most (the Headspace app has literally saved my life, check it out). My relationship with social media is now so much better and I have set rules for myself #noscrolling and I logout after every session. I have seen huge improvements in my mental health, self-esteem and body confidence since doing this and I just feel generally more positive about life. I still have a very long way to go and I am nowhere near better yet but each day I learn something new and I make progress.

I logged out of social media and it was one the best decisions I have ever made for myself. On my 24th birthday I told myself that this was going to be the year of me and so far it has been. Although it has been my most difficult year to date I have been forced to focus on me and put my health first because, at the end of the day, that is what is most important.

For more information about Anxiety Disorders and mental health advice check out these links below.

For Useful Contacts

https://birminghammind.org/contact-page/emergency-contacts/

For Information

YouTube- The 5 Major Anxiety Disorders

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzaNQAh3NiY&t=7s

Mind

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anxiety-and-panic-attacks/anxiety-disorders/#.W6GCdy2ZNsM

Beyond Blue

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/types-of-anxiety

Post-Graduate Depression

https://metro.co.uk/2017/07/17/why-is-no-one-talking-about-post-graduate-depression-6760769/

https://www.topuniversities.com/blog/we-need-talk-about-post-graduation-depression

References

The Statistics Portal https://www.statista.com/statistics/278414/number-of-worldwide-social-network-users/

[nemodafish201107]

This is what I ended up sending to my school....

Feedback on Online School and Getting the Work/Homelife Balance Right

Monday 22nd

I didn’t get much work to start off the week, so I’m glad about that. For Business, I typed out two analysed cash book questions in a grid. It took quite a long time, but I found it kind of therapeutic. I didn’t have to do it, but it looks quite good. Later in the day I took a break from work and went on a long walk. One of my teachers sends the classwork after class, and since it’s the first class, I can’t do any work while I wait. It has always been like that though, so I’m not to bothered by it anymore. Other than that, I can’t say that there was anything that happened today that I’m unhappy about.

Tuesday 23rd

Today, I got a bit more work that yesterday, but still not too much. I got a small case study that I had to do in Geography, so it took a bit of time. After school, I had a bit of work I needed to finish up. The thing is that it’s not work that I can just quickly do, I have to really think about it. Today’s my dad’s birthday so I would’ve liked to have spent more of the day with him. I ended up spending a good bit of the afternoon working on something due for tomorrow. Nothing much bad about today either.

Wednesday 24th

Nothing much happened today. I missed the Wellbeing meeting because I was doing woodwork. The Maths call ended early which was nice. We had finished the chapter so Mr Tierney decided that we would start the new one tomorrow. There wasn’t anything I had to complain about today.

Thursday 25th

Today was as uneventful as yesterday. We started the Geometry chapter in Maths. We played Kahoot! In English so that was pretty fun. It was something different than we had been doing. A change once in a while is nice. In Science, I made a poster for a trip to Neptune.

Friday 26th

Today Woodwork was late being upload, so I now have until Monday to complete it. We read 3 chapters of our book, Trash, and then read some summaries. For Science, I had to complete 14 questions on photosynthesis. I didn’t find them too difficult. Not much happened today so there isn’t much to complain about.

Things I’m Having Problems With

I find that when I need to watch a video to complete my work, I end up procrastinating. In French, History and sometimes Woodwork (taking down notes) I have to watch a video. I mainly end up not doing French and History until the last minute because I don’t want to watch a video. For Woodwork though, I don’t seem to have a problem with it? Maybe because it’s one of my favourite subjects?

Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time sitting at my desk in front of my laptop screen, so my back is pretty sore. I think I might get a proper office chair.

Things I’d Like to Do or Change

I’d like to do a variety of different activities, not just questions and answers. I think that right now, we’re doing the same types of things, so it gets tedious and annoying to do; I end up spending more time sitting at my desk, because my mind goes blank from the boredom.

[steamishot]

moody

i woke up with major back pains today, which never happens. i feel like an old fart. i think it’s because matt and i had an extremely lazy weekend where we stayed in and laid down the majority of the time to the point of breaking our backs lol. not necessarily my ideal weekend, but he had just gotten off a week of night shifts & needed to relax, and it’s cold outside. 

my family celebrated lunar new year with me on facetime last week. lunar new year means way more to my family than any american holiday, so it kinda sucked to not be there with them. matt and i did our usual rounds in chinatown on saturday and this time, got to try the well known dim sum spot - jing fang. although it was good, LA hands down has superior asian food (or perhaps our taste is biased). i drank my favorite crack HK milk tea from yin ji chang fen yesterday and today. although i love the taste, its also highly caffeinated (seems moreso than my latte), and sends me into a moody spiral where i feel depressed and sad for no reason. i’m in that slump right now and my back pain isn’t helping. 

i feel all sorts of weird - wanting to do everything and nothing at the same time. trying a bit of everything but not really excelling at anything. i tend to get to a point where i feel content because i’m too lazy too improve, or things get difficult. now that i recognize it, i’ll try to keep moving forward regardless and stay disciplined. all this while feeling so disconnected from the world and people in general.

coffee: my favorite bean that i’ve tried so far is stumptown’s ethiopian single source. we’ve finished that and stumptown’s hairbender (12 oz bags). i signed up for a coffee bean subscription from stumptown (roaster’s pick) and should be receiving my package soon. it’s been awesome getting to make lattes/espresso/americanos whenever i want. latte art hasn’t been easy, but i’ve learned that it’s okay not to use up all the milk that is frothed (even though it’s a waste). 

running: matt got me NB running shoes for my birthday. the fit was a bit too small, so i went and exchanged it for brooks glycerins. it’s my go to shoes for the gym now. now that i’m vaccinated (although still a bit paranoid), there’s no reason for me not to run consistently at the gym. my friend B invited me to do a 50 mile month challenge which i have gladly accepted for march. 

cooking: amex has been giving really awesome deals this year because traveling has come to a halt. one of the perks we received was $50 off $50 x3 for home chef meals. combined with the 50% off healthcare worker discount, we basically got 6 meals (12 servings) for free and will have about another 16 upcoming servings for free. i had thought about doing a subscription like this when i first moved here. the meals have been pretty good/healthy! normally when i cook, matt doesn’t know how to portion control and tends to overeat. now our meals are what one person is supposed to eat xD. although there’s a lot of plastic that goes to waste, i’m also glad that we get a variety of foods without having leftovers of ingredients. each meal was so easy to make, and took 30 min or less.

youtube: i was inspired to get a gimbal after my uncle showed me his. another amex perk is $50 off $50 from best buy. i used it to purchase the DJI OM 4 to make more videos with my phone. as of now, i have uploaded 9 videos. they’re nowhere near perfect and were edited on imovie LOL, but i’m slowly learning and uploading as i go to see my progress. the last video i made (spicy noodle challenge) was edited using adobe premiere pro. i enjoyed making it and watching it, but there’s still a long way to go. 

valentines day: valentines didn’t seem very important to me this year as we’re already living together. however, i was envious when i saw traditional gestures of romance - i.e. guys holding flowers/balloons on the subway and romantic IG posts about valentines day. matt bought a red purse for me that i really wanted a few weeks ago and said it was my vday present. i thought it was super sweet at the time, but when i received it, i realized that i didn’t need the purse lol. matt never really bought in to consumerist holidays - to him, it’s only worth buying if the product is on sale/a good deal. now he’s changing to be more consumerist. and oddly enough, i’m becoming more like him where i’m starting to think spending money because you’re obligated to on a holiday is kinda silly. 

portfolio: still a work in progress. still helping my dietitian friend out - this time increasing my prices. i’m such a procrastinator but will definitely need to add “applying to jobs” as a new habit!

relationship: sometimes it’s hard to isolate what exactly is causing moodiness or unhappiness. for example, after a week of nights shifts, matt became easily irritated AND sensitive. probably not the best tactic, but to reduce my own stress, i combat his aggression with my aggression. he hasn’t been doing the best academically and has failed several of his past exams. this shouldn’t be the case because he was on easier rotations and had no excuse not to study. however, most of the test takers “cheat” (google stuff while taking the exam); he was too tired to cheat this this past time and took an L. it’s been difficult knowing that i’m doing so much in our home life to free up time and energy for him - and he’s still not doing well sigh. my reddit friend showed me a video from SNL about “pelotaunt” where the trainer taunts you into working harder. positive reinforcement does NOT work for matt - so i’m trying to use similar taunting tactics instead hahaha

[liw-the-melancholic-apple]

How it may have gone - Humble beginnings

I realise that noone read part one. But i got 15 parts on my computer, so i'll just upload them...

James, Sirius, Remus and Peter are a bunch of things. But mainly they're teenagers. In their 6th year the political climate in the magical community gets colder and conflict is near inevitable. At hogwarts that leads to more animosity between some of the students. But it also bands some together.

Another prefect in the group doesn't seem like a good idea on paper, but it turns out that the soap opera aspects of high school as well as the downsides of wizardry are better faced with Friends. The more the merrier.

Masterlist

Two: Making contact

It had been at the same time a long and a short night. Long because I spent hours and hours discussing my visit to Dumbledore’s office with my best friends Chloe and Milla in the Common Room and started all over again when Chloe’s boyfriend Magnus and his mates Crick and Joe showed up. Short because when I finally went to bed I already heard the birds chirping. 

No surprise then, that I was anything but willing to get out of my bed when Milla carefully hit me with her pillow stating that breakfast had already begun. That wasn’t unusual. Since first year Milla, Chloe, Blair, Nica and I went downstairs just in time to have breakfast and had to the first class of the day. I didn’t see any reason to get up early just so I could hang out in the common room an half hour before going to first period. Especially if you could spend that half hour sleeping in your warm and comfortable bed.

“Like it’s started a while ago”, Nica added and I opened my eyes. Unhappy and grumpy I got out of bed already missing it and stumbled into the bathrooms on the other side of the dorm. I took a quick shower that woke me up somewhat and halfheartedly brushed my teeth.

Uniform and ties in place I fished my robes off my chair standing at the group of study desks in the middle of the round dorm, checked for the yellow badge and threw them on. Hair pulled in my signature topbun and dark lipstick applied, I collected all the books and parchment I needed for the day to store them in my torn up but deeply loved grey and black fabric backpack. I had found it at a market in Portugal the summer before my third year and used it for everything ever since.

Chloe and Blair were still in the bathroom getting ready, so I opened a window to check the temperature. It was the first week of November and autumn had really arrived. It wasn’t cold but it wasn’t warm either and a fine mist of rain fell. I quickly closed the window again and went to the big ebony wardrobe beside my ebony bed with mustard yellow velvet curtains. 

I found my dad’s old leather coat that I had begged him to let me take to school in September and threaded it through one of the backpack straps. I knew that I was going to spend some time outside throughout the day and didn’t want to risk a cold. Thinking of my time spent out in the grey I checked the little front pocket of my bag and found the silver case and zippo. 

We left the common room together with Magnus and two random very stressed first years, breathed in the pancake and freshly baked role air that evaporated from the kitchens and took the short hike up the stairs to the Great Hall. 

Just as I was about to land on the ground floor of the castle leaving the stairs someone called my name followed by: “Skip the step!” I instantly scanned my surroundings to figure out whether I was still half asleep and had wandered off to the southern staircase to the third floor, where the trick step is located, when I saw Potter and Pettigrew laughing hysterically leaned against one of the pillars in the foyer.

Right, that happened. It was far too early for that kind of shenanigans. I still wasn’t awake enough to deal with people. “It’s far too early for that kind of shenanigans”, I mumbled as we passed them entering the Great Hall.

“Oh, come one, De Witt”, Potter moaned following me and my friends inside. “I thought we were partners in crime now. You can’t just go back to hating us!” I smelled coffee and walked quickly towards my house table, grabbed the biggest cup I could find and filled it with the wonderful liquid energy. Turning around I took a big sip of it. It was still too early for shenanigans with Potter but I felt better armed with the cup.

“I don’t hate you, Potter”, I said leaning against the table. “Or you”, I added looking at Pettigrew. 

“Why are you so grumpy then?”, Pettigrew looked at me with a weirdly suspicious expression.

“I’m not particularly grumpy. I’m just not a morning person”, I explained when a raisin roll was waved in front of my face. “General rule is to only speak when absolutely necessary until about ten”, Milla explained after I had taken the roll. She pulled me onto the bench next to Crick, where I sat still facing the two Gryffindors and not my plate. I swung one of my legs to the other side of the bench when Potter sounded a lot happier in saying: “So, if we tell you to skip the step after first period you’ll find it hilarious again?”

“Well, maybe not hilarious. But I could appreciate it.”

“Deal!” The pair turned around and left the Hall again. I finally sat down the way you’re supposed to sit at a breakfast table and started munching on the delicious raisin roll, some pumpkin juice and yoghurt. 

“Partners in crime?”, Crick raised one eyebrow ridiculously high.

“I think he’s exaggerating a bit”, I shrugged.

“But I did admit to being on his side in the whole thing. Even if I didn’t necessarily mean for him to know…”

“So, they are your friends now and are going to hang around a lot?”, Nica asked, eyes trailing off into nothing, a vague smile on her lips.

“Ah! Snap out of it, will you?”, Magnus snapped his fingers in front of her face. “He is head over heels in love with Lily and that won’t change any time soon.”

“Yeah, I know. But a girl can dream, can’t she?”, Nica hit him against the chest.

“Wait, that’s genuine affection?”, Blair got in on the conversation. “I thought he just played a really long con prank on her. Trying to see when she’d snap”, she explained looking a little confused.

“Nah”, Crick laughed to himself. “It has to be genuine. He just isn’t himself around Lily. Not as smooth as he usually is.” 

We had to take their word for it. My time with Potter and his band of pranksters was limited to the meals and since we didn’t exactly run in the same circles we usually didn’t speak. Sure, being prefects and all I did regularly see Remus – an Lily Evans for that matter – but we rarely did night shifts or stuff like that interhouse and interyear. So, we didn’t talk all that much.

Crick and Magnus on the other hand were sixth years just like Potter and had a bunch of classes with him. Their expertise was definitely bigger than ours.

“Do you not talk to your sister?”, Magnus continued toward Blair. “She must know.” Blair’s sister was a sixth year Gryffindor and good friends with Lily Evans.

“Well, yeah I do. But neither mine nor Marlene’s lives revolve around Potter. However much he’d like to believe that”, she laughed.

“And I don’t think she and Lily have picked up on him acting differently around them. For all I know they can’t understand why he won’t just let it go.”

“Maybe we should just tell Lily. Stir the pot a bit”, Crick winked at Magnus.

“Potter will kill you.” Crick shrugged and got up. 

“Potions it is”

The sixth years left us to our own devices and strolled to the dungeons.

“Aaaanyways, you’re friends with Potter now?” Nica looked at me all excited. 

“I don’t think so Nic. We might be allies, though. Who knows. But I’m not really expecting him to invite to his birthday party.” Nica sighed and got back to her pancakes.

Milla glanced at her watch an notched me with her elbow. I downed the rest of my second coffee and got up with her. We waved at the rest of our friends and made our way out of the Great Hall and to the courtyard doors. I put on my dad’s leather coat and Milla wrapped herself in the biggest scarf I had ever seen, then we went outside and ran over to one of the roofed passage ways.

I flicked open my fancy silver cigarette case as Milla struggled with a wet paper package. We both lit up and inhaled the deathbringing smoke with content expressions. If I’m honest, we were a bad influence on one another at times. I had gotten her into smoking when she came on holiday with my family last summer, who had just found out that I had started. On the other hand, when I met her I had been an absolute morning person but her late night talks and antics had changed that over time. 

We were comparing our mugglestudies-answers of the test we had the day before for the 100th time when a knowing smirk appeared on Milla’s fine porcelain features as she focused on something somewhere behind me. I turned around and found Remus and Black the elder walking toward us smoking as well. Milla’s smirk widened a bit when both boys examined us with puzzled looks, clearly hung up on the cigarettes.

“Would ya look at that”, Black said finally. “We’re already rubbing off on goodie-two-shoes. It’s not even been twenty-four hours. You’re showing potential, Goodie.”

“Goodie-two-shoes?”, Milla’s fair eyebrows disappeared into her fine fringe.

“That’s what they called me yesterday because I didn’t know about the buzzing triangle”, I explained and she nodded. 

“Right, in the waiting room.”

“Have you already disclosed all our secrets?”, Remus asked grinning.

“I wasn’t aware that they were secrets.” We were just about to get into a discussion on the definition of secrets and the unwritten rules regarding them, when Black interrupted us:”Remus, are just gonna ignore the fact the she smokes? After one half evening with us, that she didn’t even spend talking to us?” Milla flew into a fit of laughter at his ego and I couldn’t help but chuckle myself.

“I don’t actually think that that’s our doing, Pads”, Remus answered grinning even wider.

“But she’s a rule-loving know-it-all prefect, for Merlin’s sake! How can she be smoking?”

“I’m sorry if I messed with your world view, Black, but as far as I can tell Remus is a know-it-all and prefect, too, and you’re not complaining about his smoking.”

“Cause he isn’t all that crazy about rules”, he explained, annoyed tone in his voice as if to say that that was obvious.

“Who said Jette is?”, Milla countered extinguishing her cigarette and pulling on my arm to get me to go in. We didn’t wait for an answer and just waved them good-bye in synchrony before we hurried to get to Charms class.

“So much for not going to hang out with them”, Milla snorted when we were back in the foyer. 

“That was two conversations before first period. Is that more in one hour than in the last four years?” I thought on that for a moment.

“Not counting the last two months and Remus, yes.” 

Milla snorted again and imagined how much Nica would freak out if she told her about that development and the growing chances of her spending time with James Potter. I was still sceptical about that.

Nica wasn’t. She instantly made plans to engage and entrap Potter in a conversation about Quidditch and the upcoming match of Ravenclaw against Gryffindor that was only ten days away. Milla and Blair got into it with her, although they seemed to enjoy Nica’s excitement more than the idea of talking to the Gryffindor Captain.

I let them chatter away and decided to pair up with Chloe for the practical part of Charms class. Semi-focused we conjured vague images of our holidays, as instructed by Professor Flitwick, not really succeeding at creating livelike holograms, while discussing the last and the next Hogsmeade weekend.

The houseteachers had finally given in and made the whole weekend available for trips to the village rather than just the Saturday which meant that Chloe didn’t have to choose between spending the day with us or her oh-so-lovely Magnus. The second weekend of October she had opted to go to the Broomsticks with us on Saturday first, then do some good old shopping-therapy and do some cheesy couple stuff with Mag on Sunday. The next Hogsmeade weekend was this week and coincided with their one year anniversary. It was obvious that she really wanted to just spend every single minute with Mag but she was too polite to say it. 

“I mean I could do some last minute giftshopping on Saturday with you and then go for a romantic lunch with him on Sunday, right?”

“You already got all the presents you can possibly give him, Chloe. Just ask him to block the entire weekend for you and wander through the crisp November air snuggling up to his side, when the wind gets too brisk and find a quiet spot to snog 36 hours straight. None of us will blame you for it.”

“You’re impossible!” She screamed waving her wand carelessly, sharpening up her hologram that showed her and Mag at some Cabana barely wearing any clothes and kissing passionately. I immediately stopped caring about her weekendplans and started interrogating her about that image – and all it implicated – as she quickly let the hologram disappear looking to her feet.

“Oh. My God!”, Milla squealed very atypically on our way to lunch, when Chloe confessed her very grown up escapades of the last summer holiday to her, Blair and Nica. Joe had wisely found other people to talk to but kept looking over at our reactions from which he probably deduced exactly what Magnus and Chloe had been up to over the break. And – as we learned now – the past two months in the castle. 

“You did not sneak around in broom closets!”, I yelped overdrawn scandalised expression on my face, channelling my grandmother when she heard people had kids without being married.

“Shhhhhh!”, Chloe definitely already regretted telling us but we had the time of our lives thinking out loud where she could have found the perfect spot to sleep with Magnus without being found out by us, Filch or any other students and teachers. 

Although she was terrified by the conversation and knew that we’d only stop when she told us, she kept it a secret, earning a lot sighs and outrageous theories. To be honest, I wasn’t all that interested in the place she’s found – I doubted that I would have need for it in the foreseeable future – but I didn’t dare ask her how it actually was. And I guessed that the other three girls felt the same. 

We usually talked about everything during Milla’s aforementioned night-time talks, that left me a mess in the mornings. No secrets. And up until now we’ve always been brutally honest with each other. Did it take us a couple of week to admit we liked someone to the others? Yes, of course it did. But we confessed it eventually. The same was true for random snogging, holiday flirts and more serious subjects like where we stood on the whole bloodpurity thing or the passing of grandparents, aunts and uncles. We were really, really honest with each other.

And in none of those really, really honest conversations had any of us mentioned to not being a virgin anymore. I reckoned we all were dying of curiosity but for once found ourselves to embarrassed to admit to it. So, we kept busy torturing Chloe a bit more by getting louder and louder as we theorised about her secret hiding spot until we walked down the staircase to the foyer and the Great Hall and there were too many people to guarantee discretion. 

Nica gave Joe the Okay-sign and he nodded but stayed with Irving, his Quidditch teammate. If it hadn’t been for Irving I might have made the team. I had tried out for Beater ever since second year and every year Irving and Milla bested me. Milla was an absolute ace and there was no way anybody would ever get her out of the team. No way in hell. Irving wasn’t that accurate with the bludgers but he had a great eye which meant that even if he didn’t aim precisely or hit his target he usually rattled the opposing team anyway. I was more precise but I lacked that eye for strategic blows. And at this point Milla and Irving had played together for four years, so, there was that against me, too.

We had just gotten to the middle landing of the two-sided marble staircase in the foyer, when someone shouted: ”Skip the step!” In an unnatural volume. God, they were not going to let that go. In an attempt to just satisfy them and not get sucked into a never-ending running gag I leaped into the air legs as close to a mid-air split as I could manage and landed three steps further down, only shortly losing balance. 

Applause broke from the foot of the stairs where all four members of my newly founded fanclub cheered for me. I overdid a bow in their direction, let my friends catch up and was planning to just go and have lunch but that was not possible anymore.

I should have known that playing along with their little joke would motivate them to further involve me in their what-ever-they-were-doing and I most definitely should have known that Nica would not pass up this chance to entrap Potter in Quidditch talk. Stupid me, had I not gotten carried away with the silly step I would already be slurping my chili. 

“Hey, you were right”, Pettigrew smiled widely at Milla. “She’s more fun after ten.” Milla gave him a warm smile back.

“You said you’d appreciate the joke, you even denied finding it hilarious”, Potter yelled. “And then you come through like that!” He pulled me into an unexpected hug.

“Very Cirque du Soleil”, commented Remus friendly nodding to the rest of my gang acknowledging their existence.

“Ah, I was going for Nutcracker of Swan Lake”, I sighed. 

“Just as well”, Remus allowed and we both had to laugh at the confused faces of Potter, Black, Blair and Chloe who had never heard any of those terms.

“Seems we need to hand in a motion to update the mugglestudies curriculum”, Milla commented now grinning.

Nica completely ignored our little discussion of ballet and repeatedly kicked me against the bend of my knee. 

“Ouch! Well, guys, do you actually know each other?”, I complied fairly awkwardly gesturing between the Gryffindor boys and Hufflepuff girls.

“I’m Nica!”, Nica extended her hand towards Potter as enthusiastically as humanly possible. I had to work hard not to burst into laughter and met Blacks eyes as I did so. He struggled, too. I raised a finger to my lips and he gave me quick nod, then we both straightened out.

“James”, Potter said, not the least bit surprised by Nica’s excitement and shook her hand elegantly.

“And that’s”, he continued, “Remus, Peter and Sirius.” He pointed at each one respectively. Hearing someone refer to them by their first names was odd. I mean, I knew they had them, but the student body had silently agreed to refer to them by their last names or “Potter and his lot”. I assumed it had to do with the fact that they were called to McGonnagal’s or Dumbledore’s office at least once a week, always by their last names. It just sounded more familiar. 

I only started calling Remus Remus, after we met in the prefects’ cart the last September first and he introduced himself as Remus. Had we not seen each other regularly at the prefect meetings though, he would have still stayed Lupin forever.

Nica shook everybody’s hand and looked at me eyes open wide, chin pointing to Blair. I took the hint.

“Ehm, now then, James, Remus, Peter and Sirius meet Chloe, Blair and Milla.” I followed Potter’s example and pointed them out. What followed was a very weird and very formal shaking of hands and mumbled hello’s.

“Oh, wait, wow, your voice sounds so familiar.” Potter kept holding Blair’s hand, much to Nica’s disliking. But other than looking annoyed she remained calm.

“Have we talked before?”, Potter asked looking at her, clearly trying to place her face, but he couldn’t.

“I…no”, Blair wasn’t comfortable with his attention or his holding her hand still.

“But a lot of people say that I sound just like Marlene, so maybe that’s what got you?” She suggested and Potter’s face, as well as the other boys’ lit up again.

“A lot of people are absolutely right! You sound just like her. That is unbelievable. Didn’t think it was possible.” Black rambled sending all of us into heartfelt laughter. 

 “What?”, he then asked, eyes narrowed, focussing on each one of us.

“The only difference between your voice and Regulus’ is that you sound just a bit hoarse all the time!”, Chloe practically screamed and laughed again.

“That and your attempt to hide the posh accent”, I expanded her answer still giggling but his quite happy face had changed at that last comment to a somewhat brooding state.

“Sorry?”, I tried to get him back to his annoyingly loud natural state. I didn’t succeed exactly but he waved his hand dismissingly. I did not miss the look Remus and Potter exchanged at my comment and his gesture but I knew better than to say something. Clearly, none of my business.

Nica had just opened her mouth, when Blair cut her off:” Have you already been to lunch or are you still going?”, she looked at Pettigrew.

“Still going.”

“What are we waiting for, then? I’m starving!” Chloe grabbed Milla with one hand, Remus with the other and in doing so successfully moved all of us towards the hall.

We sat down at our respective tables without really talking – or entangling – which caused Nica to hit Blair and then Chloe over the head with her Charms workbook.

“What?”, they both said in the exact same tone, causing some other classmates to look over to us.

“Had you not could have waited five more minutes before dragging us here? I didn’t have chance to start my Quidditch plan!” You had to admire her determination and passion.

“Oh, I had completely forgotten that over Chloe…”, Blair blushed a little, shooting an apologetic look at Nica.

“I’m sure you’ll get another chance to set that plan in motion, Nic. If you just hang around Jette. I don’t think they’re gonna let that whole step-thing go any time soon.” 

I blew out some air but didn’t say anything. 

When I was getting up to maybe go take a nap before the afternoon classes, I noticed some waving at the table right next to ours. Both, Remus and Black tried to get my attention. Once they realised they had it Black pulled out a box of matches and Remus pointed at the door.

Why not? I thought to myself.

“Milla, you done yet?

“Hmhm” She gulped down her pumpkin juice in record time and stuffed the last two potatoes into her mouth, nearly choking in the process, but grabbed her giant scarf and bag nonetheless. I turned back to the still gesturing boys and nodded, rolling my eyes.

We met up with not only Remus and Black, but also Pettigrew and Potter at the head of our table and headed towards the foyer, when Nica grabbed my arm and forced herself between me and Milla. The both of us exchanged a very amused look, both telling the other that we had no idea her crush on Potter was this big.

We rushed to the passage way we had already been in the morning to escape the still misty rain and cold wind. It turned out that the entire Gryffindor gang smoked, something that was entirely new to me, but not at all surprising and absolutely not changing my view of the world. I smiled to my backpack as I put away my case. 

Potter offered Nica a smoke and I could see her wrestling herself.

“Nica doesn’t smoke, she just likes the change of scenery to clear her head”, Milla said before I had even thought of something. 

“But, thanks, anyway.” Nica smiled up at Potter who couldn’t help but smile back. Her smile always reached her small, almond shaped freakishly yellowish-green eyes, which turned her normally strict seeming face in the most friendly and inviting one you’ve ever seen. It’s infectious. Which is very annoying when you’re trying to be mad at her.

“Any particular reason you’ve nearly broken your arms to get us here?”, I asked, then lit the zippo and consequently Milla’s and my cigarettes.

“Can’t we just enjoy your lovely company?”, Black said, eyes darting to Nica and Potter, then back to me as he wiggled his eyebrows. I rolled my eyes again.

“Of course you can. Just seems unlikely”, I countered.

“Well, there are two particular reasons for us to just enjoy your company right now.” Remus inhaled way to much smoke and calmly blew it out before he went on talking. “First, I’d like to know when your last class of the day is.”

“Why?”, Nica said now wiggling her own eyebrows. Remus blushed ever so slightly.

“Because Jette and I are supposed to report to Madam Pince for detention immediately after class. I was thinking it’d be more fun if we would arrive and work together”, with that last sentence his eyes had found mine again. 

“Right, that. More fun. Uhhhhmm. I think I’m done after potions.” Milla confirmed. “So, I’m off at around 15:00.”

“Same. Wanna meet here and mentally prepare before reporting?” I grinned at his choice of words but actually liked the idea of getting one more smoke in before we would organise books for Merlin-knew-how-long.

“And secondly”, Black beamed, “we thought you might like to know what Mulciber and his lot got, after Pince and Hagrid were taken.” His inquisitive eyes on me I nodded: “Of course, I wanna know.”

“They’re headed to the east wing dungeons for a week or”, Black lifted his hands indicating a quote “however long it takes to assist Mr Filch in his endeavour there.”

“There are dungeons in the east wing?”, Nica’s eyes crossed a little while she tried to remember ever having heard about that.

“Yep. It’s mainly storage and stuff like that. I think the archives might be there, too.” All three of us girls made approving noises to Remus’ answer. 

“What’s Mr Filch’s endeavour, then?”, Milla wanted to know.

“He’s organising, tidying up, cleaning and throwing away. And Mulciber gets to help him. Without any kind of magic”, Pettigrew seemed to grow a good three inches as he talked. He either hated Mulciber as much as I did or he simply didn’t like tidying. Maybe both.

“How do you even know all that?”, I finally said.

“We ran into Reg this morning when you had your date with Remus and Sirius that no one invited us to”, Potter smirked. “Slytherin has been up in arms about it ever since last night.”

“Nice. At least they got the worst detention. Gotta take what you can get”, I commented, threw away the butt and looked up at the clock tower.

“Well, then, I see you”, I pointed at Remus, “between 15:00 and 15:10 here this afternoon for detention. I’m off.”

I turned on my heel, grabbed my bag from the ground and walked back towards the castle dreaming of my bed and the half hour that I could lay in it to gather all my strength for detention. I was quite certain that it would be bad. Pince didn’t like me.

♠♠♠

Armed with the biggest smile I possibly ever smiled I entered my dormitory at 15:50. Chloe looked up from her homework that she was doing at her desk in the middle of the room and distorted her pretty face while simultaneously running her quill through her hair, getting it stuck in one of her light brown blow-out curls. Instead of saying whatever she wanted to say to me she made a noise somewhere between annoyance and pain and I walked over to help her untangle the feather.

When we head succeeded she was massaging her scalp with a frown, positively inspecting me.

“Are you seriously ditching your detention?”

That biggest ever smile returned to my face. “No”, I beamed, “I’m already done.” Chloe checked her watch, then the clock on the wall, then looked back at me. “It hasn’t even been an hour” Her voice went up at the end of that statement.

“Still not ditching. Remus and I showed up at the library and Pince told us to put the returned books on her desk back into their shelves and sections. We did that. And then she said she didn’t need any other help today as she needed to let us do something tomorrow.” My smile turned to into a grin and finally Chloe got my point. “He is rather fair. And good at keeping up appearances. Reckon Potter, Pettigrew and the Blacks got a little more to do with Hagrid and from what I heard in potions Mulciber got actual detention with Filch.”

“Right, on paper we all got a week of detention but Remus and I will probably be spending it organising books for no longer than an hour a day, his friends might sit in the hut preparing food for some beast or another and Mulciber can die down in the dungeons going over school records from the last eight centuries.”

I threw myself on my bed in absolute bliss. This day had started mediocre at best and got better and better and better. I looked around the room.

“Where the hell is the rest? I didn’t see them in the common room.”

Chloe sighed. “Milla and Nica are at the pitch."

“Again? They were practicing yesterday, weren’t they?” She nodded.

“Our first game is in December. Sian could take it a little easier. Especially, with this weather.” 

I looked out the window and realised I was very content not being on the quidditch team. The misty rain of this morning had turned into a steady downpour and the wind had also picked up the pace. It wasn’t storming out, but it was cold and windy and wet. Nobody would like to be out there. And yet at least seven of them were, trying to battle the storm and improve their quidditching.

“I think she just really wants to win the cup as Captain”, Chloe put her quill down and let her homework be homework. 

“She was so close last year but got etched out by Gryffindor and next year she won’t be here anymore. The fanatic that she is, she couldn’t stand leaving unsuccessful as Captain.”

“Huh.” She was right. Sian Glassock had been a chaser on the Hufflepuff quidditch team ever since her second year and nobody expected anybody else to take over the title of Captain from Mitch, than her. She was obsessed enough to really motivate the rest but enough of a team player and decent person to not alienate the team. 

I was pretty sure she wanted to go into potionmaking after school, being a winning Quidditch Captain in her last season wouldn’t do a whole lot for her in that, but Chloe had a point in saying that Sian probably couldn’t stand leaving her team without having made them proud and getting them to their best performance. She was such a maniac. But a friendly one. 

“Blair isn’t watching, is she?”, I asked in horror as I noticed the bed to the far right was also empty and Blair’s jacket was nowhere to be seen. She couldn’t be stupid enough to sit in this weather.

“Nah, Marlene wanted something. I think they’re in the Great Hall. Or maybe upstairs in the prefect’s hallway.” 

“Okay, good.” Talking to her sister was better than sitting outside to be cold. And it wouldn’t surprise me at all if the McKinnon girls had chosen the prefect’s hallway to talk in private. We all did that when we needed a space that nobody else would get into.

It seemed to be an unwritten rule among the prefects to just ignore the misuse of our offices or bathrooms. The hallway was just a short corridor with the famous prefect’s bathroom, a storage room, archive, two offices with eight desks each and a fairly cosy conference room.

Every single one of the 16 prefects and all eight head students had access to each of the rooms. So. Theoretically the hallway was nearly as busy as a common room but when someone opened the door and found a group or a pair of people hanging out, they’d just close it again and acted as if nothing happened. Sometimes whoever was in the room would just charm it to either not open without permission or to show a hologram of an empty room, so that one could do exactly what one wanted to do. 

We had been hanging out there a lot after Crick had made prefect. I remembered having had long nights on the conference room’s fluffy, soft couches with all of Crick’s and my dorm…

“The prefect’s conference room!”, I yelled. Chloe gave me a disapproving look because of the volume, then a confused one because of what I had said.

“For instance. Why’s that exciting you?”

“Not Blair. You! And Mag! That’s where you snuck off to, right? Crick gave Magnus the keys. How did I not see that!!?” It was hard to tell but I was pretty sure that Chloe blushed. I was right.

“Let’s see what they’re up to in the common room!”, she avoided actually answering and dragged me to the stairs.

We had barely stepped into the round domed room when Felix waved me over. “Mum wrote”, he said when I had fallen onto the golden-yellow lounge chair at his table. I instantly got a bad conscience. I hadn’t written home once in the two months we had been back at school. I loved receiving letters but I was rubbish at writing them. And with the extra prefect-duties I had this year, my time was too valuable to tell my parents that I had little time to write to them.

 “She’s going shopping in London with Gran next week and wants to know if we need anything”, Felix went on. “Send her your measurements and a list.” He looked me up and down. “Or give them both to me and I’ll send them.”

I leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek, leaving a dark brown lipstick mark on it. “You’re the best! But I don’t think I need anything.” He rubbed his cheek in disgust but he smiled.

“Course I am. Just think about it. I’ll write back Sunday.”

“Do you have a dress for Slughorn’s Christmas Party?”, Chloe asked.

“He hasn’t even announced it yet”, I laughed back.

“Yeah, but you’re gonna be invited, right? You were last year and now that you’re also a prefect you are basically destined to do great things in life and he needs you to remember him once you’ve done them.” I threw the black cushion from my chair at her. 

“There haven’t been any of his dinners yet. Maybe he’s grown tired of that weird club…” Slughorn’s dinners were usually a strange affair. Milla, Blair and I had been invited for the first time last year and found it all very awkward. It was just a group of different students from all houses and years answering questions about their families and plans for life. Granted, the food was excellent and last year’s Christmas party was good fun but those dinners were not for me. I had managed to only go to two out of the four that had happened last year, by pretending Felix was homesick and needed me. 

This year I wouldn’t get to use that excuse, he had already told me he didn’t mind it last year but he also didn’t want his friends to think that he was a wuzz. He had turned thirteen last June and started exhibiting teenage-tendencies when it came to other people’s opinions.

“I don’t think that he’ll ever grow tired of that club. Besides, I quite liked the party last year. Hope he invites Mag again this year.” Chloe wasn’t a member of the stupid club but Magnus was. Promising herbology prodigy, according to my potions master. She got the best of both world’s by dating Mag. Didn’t have to go to the dinners but got to enjoy the lavish Christmas festivities he put on.

“True… But if you go with Mag and I invite Nica we could also all beg our parents for the money and use one of the December Hogsmeade weekends for a dress shopping session.” Chloe swayed her head from left to right with a distant smile on her face.

“That would be nice, too.” 

We hung out with Felix and his third year friends, mainly gossiping about the teachers until the Quidditch team entered the common room, drenched, sneezing and unhappy. Sian looked pretty happy with herself but her bad conscience was very visible. She ushered her team to their respective dorms and ordered them to take good, long, warm showers. Nobody protested.

“Bet you a galleon that Nica is cursing like a sailor and that Joe will be out cold for three days”, Chloe chuckled, before Magnus came by, kissed her and splattered some water of us before heading to his shower.

“Charming”, Felix commented as he wiped his face dry.

[kazarinn]

Translation of wowaka’s statement regarding his newly released song, “Unknown Mother Goose”.

Hello, wowaka here. I’m not particularly good at talking about my own songs outside the song itself, but there’s something I absolutely had to say about this Miku song, so I’ll write it here.

Firstly, thank you to everyone who listened to “Unknown Mother Goose”. Why did I make another Miku song in six years? Or why didn’t I make another Miku song for six years? Let’s start from there.

I should explain this for people who know me only from hitorie. In 2009 I got my hands on Vocaloid, made my first song and put it up, made about ten songs in a year, and made an album, Unhappy Refrain, in 2011. So it’s something that happened over two years or so. Thinking back on it, so much happened in those two years. In any case, my encounter with Miku literally changed my life. A lot of things happened, I found a lot of ways to get my stuff out, and even now I’ve gotten to hear the songs of other people making their own music. In those two years I met a lot of interesting people and had a lot of interesting experiences. Every day was like floating around on a cloud. It was a strange feeling. When I think about it, it really was like a dream.

I’ve said this before in a few interviews, but after putting out my Vocaloid album Unhappy Refrain, something exploded inside me...or perhaps more like the opposite of exploding, something kind of like that...it’s hard to find the words for it. For those songs that I’d thrown out and were taken out of my own hands, I ended up thinking “am I really existing as ‘myself’? What am ‘I’ supposed to be? What should I do from here on out?” I touched on it a little in the Natalie interview with DECO-san, but I felt like I was living only with the appearance of someone named wowaka, and couldn’t feel my heart at all. With those feelings only starting to increase, getting consumed by the feelings of “wowaka-like” and “Vocaloid-like”, I irresponsibly turned myself away from the community and fell into negativity, all of it finally eating me up with a crunch. With all of it just piling on top of me at once, I ended up becoming a disgrace of a human being for about half a year.

What got me through that half year was hitorie. I should explain for the people who don’t know what that is. hitorie is a four-member band, where I sing songs that I made. I carry the burden of singing it with my own voice, with my own words. I think I would have ended up dying if I hadn't made that band. I really feel I was lucky to have met band members who could do this with me. If those three hadn’t been there, I would have quit music entirely. In that sense I'm really grateful to Vocaloid, because it was through that culture that I ended up meeting them.

So in that state, I ended up making a band, and I wasn't able to see anything else beyond that. It's not like there was nothing left after all that, of course. It's just that as a band we always wanted to leave our own mark (of course, even now). During all that, in regards to time, or in regards to what my heart could allow for, I didn't have the opportunity to touch Vocaloid at all. I'd never had the intention of giving it up in the first place, and every so often I'd listen to other Vocaloid songs, every so often I'd think hey, I feel like making something with Vocaloid again, but in the end I could never get myself in a position to do it. I kept thinking "well, the band can do it fine enough", haha. So hitorie released three full albums and went on a tour around the country, I made the album IKI as an album depicting the crossroads of my life, we had our own live show at Studio Coast, so I ended up thinking "ah, these members and I, we all came this far and we're all gonna be fine." I felt like that "wowaka" who was born in 2009 had finally become a human at the age of 8. I felt like I'd found a perspective I hadn't been able to see before. And perhaps by chance, or perhaps by fate, right around that time in 2017, Miku’s tenth birthday came around.

And as if to guide me there, I was contacted with a request to make a song for Miku's tenth anniversary compilation album. I'm really grateful to those who wanted me to make a Vocaloid song for them, so I ended up letting everything out loose. I kind of let my heart move on its own.

So the timing lined up perfectly. I decided to write a Vocaloid song that I felt like I needed to write. That’s the kind of thing I put myself up to. For three months after saying I’d do it, I fussed about it and, through all the torture and fun of it, made and uploaded the song “Unknown Mother Goose”.

If you were to compare my work with hitorie to my work from Vocaloid...it’s hard to separate them, so things like “wowaka’s Vocaloid works are better” or, conversely, “it’s better if wowaka just sang himself”, or that I threw away Vocaloid or came to hate it...you can say that kind of thing easily, it’s only natural that people will think things like that, but for me it’s more like something that brings “me” together right now, that’s all I can say about it. In the circumstances I described earlier, I started Vocaloid, I started hitorie, and now I’ve written another Vocaloid song. That’s all there is to it. I think that’s all there is that defines what you would call “me”, in my blood or my existence. For now and in the future. For this song, for hitorie, for the IKI album, for all the songs I wouldn't have been able to write had I not come to stand on my own two feet, like I said earlier if I hadn't started hitorie I probably wouldn't be making music now. And the one who gave me that music to begin with was Hatsune Miku. I might be asking too much for you to understand that, but that's the kind of person I am.

Well, let's talk about this Miku song, "Unknown Mother Goose". It'll be a bit crude for me to talk about the song in detail like this, so I'll keep it short. Like this. With this all happening at this timing, I was thinking about Hatsune Miku's importance to me, so I decided to make a song about my relation to Hatsune Miku, and put in everything I'm talking about. So along those lines, I had Miku sing my own words for the first time. In the past, right now, and in the future, I’ve always hoped to say what I wanted to say, even if it’s embarrassing. Ah, incidentally, don't get the impression this was supposed to be some kind of response to Hachi-kun's song, the timing was just a coincidence, haha. I think you've probably come to understand by now, just by reading this, but I don't have a lot of flexibility when it comes to making things. To put it somewhat bluntly, I do things at my own convenience, so I made a song. Also, hitorie did the music for this song. Since I wanted to take advantage of the fact I work with a band now, so it was the first time I'd ever done live recording for a Miku song. We worked really hard, it was fun! I'm grateful to our members and our engineer, Hirai-san. I also sung chorals under Miku’s voice. As I said earlier, it's because this is a song that overlaps myself and Miku that I did that. It has that kind of meaning. I still remember when I made “Prism Cube”. At the time I was only thinking of myself, without any kind of restraint, but now that I think about it I was singing under Miku, wasn't I? How nostalgic.

I’ve said a lot. The song's finally out and it's a huge relief. Having finished making "Unknown" I'm curious how I should present myself now to the public. To the people following hitorie, we're going to be fine, so don't worry. We're writing a super cool song right now. I can't say much about live shows yet, but of course we're going to make you excited and give you lots of surprises.

I said all this like an idiot, so thank you for reading to the end. Please forgive me, it's the first time talking about myself so extensively like this, haha. See you later!

August 25, 2017 wowaka

The Natalie interview referred to is this one (translation by vgperson here).

Studio Coast is an event venue in Tokyo, where hitorie had a live show that they did all by themselves (i.e. didn’t open for another group or participate in a concert lineup).

In case you've been living under a rock, "Hachi-kun's song" refers to "Dune" (or "Sand Planet", whatever you want to call it), which was made after Hachi had undergone a similar hiatus from Vocaloid production. The song also invokes themes of Vocaloid culture and the producer's personal relation to it, as described in his and ryo's Natalie interview (translation by vgperson here).

“Prism Cube” is a song on the Unhappy Refrain album, in which there are indeed wowaka’s vocals under Miku’s.

[yourchumchumblr]

OUR 2017 in a Nutshell!

12 months, 12 pictures of us! It was really hard picking only several photos when you have tons of pictures to choose (to be precised, 50+ albums of events), so I secretly spent my night (yesterday) choosing which one should I pick and so far, I think this was the best photos to represent my blog post for this one.

It’s been a year since I last touched my tumblr and a lot of setbacks happened this year which prevented me to create new posts but today (though it’s late) I decided to end my year with an optimistic post which will focus on us, especially on you. To start off the intro, we started our year in a not-so-good events (which was the worst part lol) but it didn’t stop us to look forward and hoped for things to get better. This is the year where we, or I, hoped that this happiness, excitement won’t stop anymore and there are times when I wished that sadness, anxiety, grief shouldn’t had exist, begged to get this over with as much as possible. This is a year where happiness is there, sadness is its back. BUT, He is always faithful and caring, He is gracious, his blessing is abundant and his comfort is reassuring. I’ve learned to love more, more unconditionally; to give more praise when it seemed unhappy. I gave not because I want to/or not but because He deserved it. Rather than hatred, lets pour out the love to each other, so here’s my 12 best months I had with you this year:

1. My tsundere and pabebe partner! Hayo~ still remember our first selfie this year? it’s Jan. 22! and terno pa tayo ng color hihi. I couldn’t get over that time, you know pero hindi ko matiis na magkaron TAYO ng 1st picture kaya ayan, I let you have a selfie with me. You looked so cute and irresistible when you make that face of pabebe and begging “bati na tayo, Chummy” ughh. This was also the time na you’re asking na ilibre kita sa Pares but instead, I brought you to Kenny Rogers to fetch that stomach of yours and you looked like a happy kid and surprised yet satisfied. You deserved it, baby KO. 💕

2. My Couple-shirt buddy! also, my Feb-ibig partner! - You’re my one and only favorite company mapa-birthday ko, Valentines days, songleading and kung anong event man especially yung #WorldPizzaDay 🍕💕 hihi. Perhaps, one of my favorite and best months I had with you! Might as well the ‘most expensive month” kasi andami NATIN gastos but it’s all worth it! Hm. Thank you so much for the unbelievable efforts~ you had me there on my special day, hindi man naging okay yung 1st attempt mo, but you never gave up to make me happy. Kinilig ako dun. And syempre comeback is real, I’ve had return that kilig twice on hearts day hmpf. That was the first time I gave a bouguet to someone, and I loved that reaction of yours when I gave it to you. Hays. I loved making you happy lalo na kapag kinikilig ka sa efforts ko. I really treasure all of your efforts and kung anuman mga binibigay mo sakin. I just love your smiles and the way you’re staring at me.

3. My food buddy! 🍴 🍨 🍩 🍱 🍔 🍝 💕 This is the undenying truth! We became more into food this year! I’d hope naka-gain ka this year😅 syempre, I’m proud na nagkalaman na si baby ko! Yieee~ may bilbil na siya nang konti. WE started to explore and eat more food than ever! Ang cute kasi we’re doing ‘give and take’, there are times that the meal is on you and times that the treat is mine. I’m starting to miss the times when we’re making homemade food, mapa-snacks or sweets! Mas na-turnon ako sayo this year kasi you’ve been doing great at culinary, you know, you can even make cakes already.. compare it to when I met you, you don’t even know how to fry properly. 😂 Thank you for being my food buddy and thank you for making me my favorite cake! I really appreciated it. I also really love these Sundays of March especially when we had the opportunity to listen to Miriam’s testimony.

4. My travel buddy! 💕 It’s more fun to explore places when you have someone you could dragged with, you know me, I’d rather stay and watch anime if I’m just alone. It’s just overwhelming when you passed your term and have planned agendas.. nothing beats ‘study then landi after’ 😉(you know what I mean eherm eherm..) Yung feeling na indoor muna tapos outdoor na~ Despite of not getting too much gala with you this year, I’m still glad and grateful (given the circumstances and opportunity) na we had these rare chances to travel alone. Hindi man ganun kalayo, pero as long as na ikaw kasama ko, super okay na ko. I wanna highlight our Tagaytay trip! There’s so much photos of us, ranging from kulitan sa byahe - to the places we went to - until to dinner, to the point that I wanna post it all but of course, I’d rather keep it private, especially your gorgeous and eye-melting photos hmpf. And as travel buddy, baby, it’s my job to teach you good angle and lighting and what do you/we want to portray on the photos that we’re taking. Afterall, we want the best moment to be perfectly captured and treasure it as a memory. So yun, I’m sorry if there are times that I scolded you for your bad shots, I just want you to learn. So ayun, looking forward for more gala this 2018!

5. My kakulitan buddy/partner in crime! And My ‘Kalandian’ 😉 Ugh ansarap-sarap asarin nitong babaeng ‘to. 😅 tapos kapag na-pissoff, dadaanin ko sa lambing. hihi. Ang cute cute niya kahit matangkad at stick siya jk! There’s a ton of photos to choose of and photos where it’s too cute and exclusive to upload kaya sinarili ko nalang (because I’m a selfish Chummy). I really love this young lady especially when you combined our sense of humor, it will be nothing but endless laughter, korni jokes and tons of fun. 💕 Na-inspired tuloy ako! And syempre hindi mawawala yung mga times na badass kaming dalawa hihi. Ehem. This is the time where I wished na sana ganito nalang parati but it couldn’t be, may oras talaga na malungkot and down ka pero the best part is, we’re here for each other.. kahit na hindi parati. Whenever she’s down or depressed, I tried to prioritize her as much as possible to cheer her up kasi naman, ganda ganda tapos nakasimangot, kaya Chummy to the rescue si acoe (me). Maybe that’s one thing I could do for her even though my thoughts sometimes lurked around and make me realized na it’s unfair for my side. I don’t know.. I don’t know how I went through.. those painful moments I’ve gone through.. that I shared alone, that she wasn’t able to be there for me when I needed her. I’m just grateful that He never leave me and I still continued life. Despite of whatever I went through, I’ll still be your Chumchum. 😊

6. My Ootd buddy! And yea, it’s her birth month! I really wanted to make this month extra special to her. From our kimonos - to black outfit - to stripes outfit! Gusto ko same kami ng suot ihh. 💕 Nakakabitin yung Aikido training namin since we had a short termbreak (especially me), plus the messups that we had midway. It really shortened our moments but hey, we’re able to pull it off! Meron kaming signature pose sa Angelus ulit and we’ve been consistent for 4 yrs! And yea, looking forward this coming summer (but I realized it’s my thesis na huhu but for sake of landi. XD kakayanin). This is also the month where I had a hard time thinking of what to do, what should I give, etc., for her birthday (syempre girlfriend ko may kaarawan eh dapat Bida at da best si boyfie). BUT I’m glad that she had more than enough fun on her special day since we had fights before the day. And why wouldn’t she be unsatisfied, after her actual 19th birthday celebration, may post-celeb pa but this time, it’s only the two of us! Ayun, we had..  💕 so much kiligs and wonderful time since we had our private moment ugh asdfghjkl first then we went to her birthday wish, to Dog cafe where she got so fascinated of. And it doesn’t end there! We watched Transformers: The Last Knight! Yeeeeeeey! and at the same time, I bought her a gift the day went to date. Hm. I couldn’t choose between photos in this month due to a lot of wonderful events that occupied your birth month, so I chose that photo of us.. I wanna tell them that you’re MINE, and inaangkin kita dyan hihi.

7. My Selfie Buddy! Of course! Our day (most of it) won’t end without selfies! There are times when I was so hooked up on you, to the point na “ikaw lang, sapat na” na feeling in terms of narrowing my vision kasi you’re entangling my sight too much, that I really felt enough. 😵 Same goes to whenever we and the others were taking pictures, my times na gusto ko rin magpa-picture sa iba kong friends (mga girls) but then I remembered you, that I should be fair with you and hindi naman big deal, kasi gusto ko rin na as much as possible ako LANG kasama sa pictures (syempre exempted mga girl friends mo). I realized that I can be that clingy and I felt so much affection being with you. But then, I also realized that too much wouldn’t be good for me, for us. This was also the time that you kept on leaving me behind and I thought of myself if I wasn’t that enough.. enough for you. The month of July implied a warning on me but I still chose to keep going and gave a push once more. 

8. My Ministry Partner! 😇 💕 Ughh. Kinikilig ako kapag nakakapag-worship and serve TAYO together! Back then, I was just thinking that it would be that great if meron nga and poof! I met you, and didn’t expect na we’ll be serving Him together. That’s one of best feeling I ever had. I always thank the Lord that I was able to invite you in our church and became a part of it!

9. Ms. Clingy~

10. 

11.

12.

PART 1.5

There’s 3 more remaining, any ideas of what kind of buddy you are? 😉

[star-valo]

How Markiplier Saved Me

I’m sure everyone’s seen his late night video by now, and I’ve seen a few people in the tag posting their stories.

And I feel like now is the right time to share mine. It’s not the typical life saving story, but it definately got me out of a life where I was so terribly unhappy. And considering I’m an extremely naïve 25 year old who is now stumbling about life in such an ungodly awful manner, I feel I owe a lot of who I am now to @markiplier

This will be long. Very long. Brace yourself, I’m a story teller. - TW: Abuse mention

I met him when I was 19. He was 29, turning 30 in a few months; and a month after I met him, he was due to get married, to his girlfriend of 10 years. I was at uni, out on my own with my anxiety in full swing for the first time in my life and I wasn’t coping. I’d stopped eating entirely, I was geting every bug that went around campus and I’d lock myself away in my room for hours on end.

I forced myself to go to a convention that was near the university. Anxiety attack ensued, and I was in a very vulnerable state, which is where I met him. Subsequently, it turned out, just about every male that was remotely plesant to me that weekend, had ulterior motives. Unfortunately, his didn’t start until after the convention.

Bit of context. I’m one of those “growing up ugly” kids. The “popular” kids at school would fake crushes on me to get a laugh and ridicule me at every oppertunity. As such, I’m oblivious to any actual interest anyone may show in me. I can’t pick up on those social queues at all, because I just don’t believe they’re genuine.

He got married, we stopped talking. The next convention, 4 months after his wedding, he kissed me and made me super uncomfortable for the rest of the weekend. Apparently, married life wasn’t going too well, so his attention had moved from his wife, to me. This started the manipulation, feeding me stories about his wife, apologising endlessly for making me uncomfortable and showering me in gifts.

Against my parent’s wishes, I ended up in a relationship with him. For 3 years. and his control over me continued for an additional year before I finally managed to cut him out completely. Leaving me a rather broken 23 year old.

Now, where does Mark come in?

He is what opened my eyes to the mental and emotional abuse and blackmail I was being subjected to, and eventually pushed me to leave.

Part two of the story starts here.

I was browsing Tumblr, seeing a lot of this stuff poping up on my timeline relating to something called “Five Nights at Freddy’s” and of course, Markiplier’s name was popping up as well. I was curious. So, Hallowe’en 2014, I was visiting my bestie who I only see once a year due to distance and money, and we decided we’d watch some spooky stuff. I suggested a FNAF playthrough, to which Bestie’s sister insisted that we watch Mark’s because it was definately the best out there. So we did.

My bestie wasn’t particularly taken with FNAF so we only watched the first part, but I was hooked, I wanted to see more. So I got home and binge watched the rest of Mark’s FNAF playthrough. Of course, I wanted someone to share this new found enjoyment with (good god I loved theorising with FNAF Lore, still do), so I showed it to him. Who then proceeded to take it and use it against me, my pathetic ass wussy self that I am. I’m very easily scared as I have an extremely overactive imagination. Have since I was tiny.

He bought FNAF, would hook it up to his TV, turn out all the lights, start the night... then decide he needed a cigerette, and leave me alone whilst he went outside to smoke. Of course, I was curled up in the corner, bracing myself for the jumpscares. One night, I was at his place, I got up to go to the toilet. I’d gone to bed early because I was tired, he was still awake, drinking beer and watching crap telly. He heard me and hid on the stairs which were directly outside the door to his bedroom, where he knew I would be passing to go back to bed. Thankfully I saw him sprawled out on the stairs before he could execute his plan. He was going to play Foxy’s jumpscare sound on his phone (He had the video ready and everything) and grab my ankle as I walked past.

I won’t go in to some of the other things he did, but the manipulation was there. The sexual abuse and emotional blackmail was there. I just didn’t start to see it until I watched more of Mark.

One week when I was off work because I felt unwell and there weren’t new Markiplier videos because he’d gone into hospital (turns out I was unwell because my appendix went fucky, I went in to hospital the day Mark came out) I binge watched his old videos. I really enjoyed his Vlogs, just him talking to the camera made it feel more personal. I watched his Draw my Life, Live-action skits he’d done, Videos of him on other people’s channels too.

Even just the silly little things he’d do like calling “us” beautiful. The milestone videos where he’d say how much we mean to him, and how thankful he was for letting him have the life he has. It all got me thinking. Never had I seen emotion from my boyfriend. He had never called me beautiful, or pretty, or expressed any sort of happiness for me being around, unless it was to manipulate me. He’d cry and self harm and spout all this stuff he thought I wanted to hear when I tried to leave in the past, how he didn’t want a life without me in it, how he loved me... All when I was trying to get out. Of course I stayed because he was threatening to kill himself.

At another convention, two weeks after my appendix surgery, we wore matching FNAF Pirate Cove tops (because matching tops were his way of showing he owned me, turns out.) I got talking to some guys about FNAF, ignoring him. It was when one of the guys mentioned that he was watching a youtuber play Five nights at Fuckboys at the moment, I instantly interjected with “Markiplier?”, who of course it was. At the mention of Mark, more people perked up and joined in the conversation, isolating my then-boyfriend more because he didn’t watch Mark.

I was in a lot of pain after the first night, I spent most of the convention in my hotel room in pain, which annoyed him because he wanted to party, and I wasn’t with him. I ended up calling my dad who came to take me home two days early, which my new Markiplier-friends came to see me off and say goodbye. Of course that annoyed him too.

I’m pretty sure this was the point that he realised that it wasn’t FNAF that he had to try and take from me. It wasn’t FNAF that was helping me make the friends that he wanted to keep away. It was Mark.

From then on, he’d do everything in his power to ruin Mark for me, to make him seem like an asshole, to make me stop watching his videos. Combining this with other things that I cared about, he was starting to get desperate. His control over me was slipping. I was starting to stand up for myself and he didn’t like it.

He’d get annoyed when I started watching Prison Break with my mum because I didn’t tell him what I was doing. He got annoyed that I wouldn’t text him back, whilst I was at work, in 2 minutes. He resorted to trying to buy me, buying me gifts and food, taking me places, surprising me with things in an attempt to buy me back.

He lashed out at me for not wanting to go swimming, because he wanted to see me in a swimsuit and ignored my anxiety and low self esteem making me freak out. He got extremely angry with me for going to bed without giving him a hug, because he’d insulted me and I didn’t want to be near him. He fed me lies about how all the new friends I was making were only trying to get into my pants, how none of them really liked my company and that if Mark were here, he’d be doing the same. It’s “all they wanted”, to get into my pants, he was “protecting” me. One of my favourite singers thought I was stupid because of one line in one song.

The final straw - for him - was when, on my birthday, I didn’t facetime him when opening my presents. When I did. This is when he stopped talking to me. In six weeks he’d moved on to another girl, one he worked with. He was being rude and cruel to me, so I finally deleted him from my facebook. I didn’t want to see it. I wasn’t coping well as it was. Everything I had known for the last four years had gone, and I was left alone because he kept stopping friendships before they formed. A barrage of insults came in the form of texts. As soon as he realised I’d deleted him and his friends, and that he couldn’t monitor me anymore, he flew off the handle. I crumbled completely. I was signed off work. I was a mess. Sadly, all this happened around the time of Daniel’s passing, so Mark wasn’t uploading. That’s when I turned to Jack’s videos. He wasn’t Mark, but he was funny, and he gave me a welcome distraction from all the pain and distress I was feeling.

Since then, Mark and his videos have been my go-to before-bed entertainment, time zones and all that fun stuff. He’s what’s making me strive to better myself, to move past the barriers and fears that the abuse has left me with. To push myself, to do that cosplay, to post that drawing. Dye my hair, buy the thing, put myself out there. I’m still trying. I’m still pushing myself. I’ll get there with attempting youtube myself one day, It’s just getting the software to do it, and then i’ll have to put my face out there, which is something I hate doing. But I’ll do it. I left work because, despite it being a terrifying thing to commit to doing, I deserved to be treated better. I am capable of so much more, I just need to believe in myself and know that I can do it if I put my mind to it.

And I believe all of this because of Mark. He believes in us as a community, and us as an individual. No one has told me that as often as Mark tells us all. All I have ever wanted is to make people happy, but now I don’t feel like I have to sacrifice my own happiness for others. I can make them happy, without demeaning myself, or decreasing my value and self worth. I’m funny, I make people laugh, I’m smart and creative, and that’s not a bad thing to say. I’m not blowing my own trumpet by saying that. I’m giving myself the value and credit I deserve because It’s far too easy to say that I’m not smart, that I’m not creative and I only make people laugh by fluke.

I have talents and abilities. I shouldn’t belittle them because they make me who I am, I need to embrace them, not push them aside.

I know this may seem like I’m putting Mark on a pedestal, but I assure you I am not. I feel indebted to him, yes, because I credit him as the catalyst that gave me the strength needed to save myself. Something that no one else had done in the four years I was in that relationship.

Genuinely and Honestly Mark, If you read this, Thank you. I owe you so much. I don’t know where I would be now had I not been introduced to you and your videos. Your sense of humour matches mine so well that I can’t help but laugh with you, even when I don’t feel like smiling. You have inspired me to do more with my life, to take a leap of faith, to push myself and try new things.

It sounds stupid and fan girly, but I honestly love you, so much. You have changed my life for the better, and I someday hope that I can repay you for saving me

[kukuandkookie]

Redbubble | YouTube | Instagram | DeviantArt 

Poor Aloe just wants to tell Celeste that he likes her, but it's really awkward for both of them.

Aloe can be seen in my SVtFoE next gen line-up here!

Aloe: a little shy and kind of awkward, Aloe is the eldest son of Slime and Princess Spiderbite. As he is half-slime monster, he oozes a lot of slime and this often causes him to be rather clumsy. He's not the most commanding of princes, but he's very sweet and can always find the good in others.

He is also more of the older brother type, being a very good one to his little sister Vera. He's just doing his best!

His birthday is Dec 21, which is why I'm uploading it now, although I drew this back on Aug 4~

多远的距离 你还好吗 Tell me baby 你在哪里什么样的天气 Oh melody Oh 唱首歌 为你涂鸦抹去乌云画个rainbow

有太多悄悄话 伴着你长大 我是那个superhero让你靠在身后 你要去到哪里都别怕 Oh I wanna let you know

那星星会挂在黑夜 Oh baby快闭上眼睛 用心听 写满爱的音符围绕在你的身边 用这一首歌的时间 我们把爱写成永远

That's right Oh baby I don't wanna say goodbye

Letters of L.O.V.E love 欠你的手漫步全宇宙 当你觉得孤单的时候 爱会一直陪在你左右

Letters of L.O.V.E love 每一个小小小的念头 不开心的都被大风吹走 爱会一直陪在你左右

How far is the distance between us? Are you doing well? Tell me baby, how is the weather where you are? Oh melody, oh let's sing a song Gonna scribble out your dark clouds and draw a rainbow for you

We share too many secrets, we grew up together I can be the superhero you can lean on Wherever you want to go, don't be afraid Oh I wanna let you know

The stars will hang in the night sky Oh baby, just close your eyes Listen with your heart Melodies filled with love float around you Let's spend the length of this song Writing our love into forever

That's right Oh baby I don't wanna say goodbye

Letters of L.O.V.E love Walking hand in hand with you through the universe When you're feeling lonely Love will always be by your side

Letters of L.O.V.E love Every little thought Everything unhappy will be blown away by the wind Love will always be by your side

-Letters of Love (English Subs) by Tangram -Letters of Love (MV) by Tangram

[keatulie]

god dammit my mum is annoyed with me for the stupidest goddamn reason

so for my birthday she bought me these rly nice pyjamas, only, they’re a pair that she already owned, which isn’t a problem because eh we’re prob never gonna wear them at the same time and it’s kinda cute whatever.

but tonight she walked past my room and noticed that we were in the same ones and we both laughed about it, but then she came back w/ her phone and I was like ah jeez bc I knew straight away she wanted to take a pic. and I’m super shy w/ stuff like this and reeeaally didn’t want to, but if it’s just between us for a funny memory then that’d be fine I guess. I asked her again and again if she was going to upload this somewhere and made her promise that she wouldn’t, and that only then could we take a cute pic together.

I honestly did ask this over just to make totally sure after being kind of uncomfortable w/ her bc I know what she’s like, she can be kind of selfish and will do things bc she enjoys it regardless of whether other people aren’t. she told me no every time, she wouldn’t, and finally I gave in and we took a pic.

then she starts running for the stairs and I’m like nO bc I know exactly what she’s going to do, but we’re both still laughing and in a good mood at this point. we get downstairs and she holds her phone out of reach and is still laughing. I ask if she’s going to upload it to fb or something and she just replies ‘it’s cute’, so I’m like please don’t you told me you wouldn’t do that, still laughing myself bc she is very quick to go on the turn if you show that you’re unhappy with something bc that’s ‘taking it too personally and ruining the fun’.

she asks me why not and I tell her it’s embarrassing, which she won’t take as a simple answer, just keeps asking ‘why? it’s cute though’. so eventually I tell her no too many times, not even unkindly, actually practically begging, which causes her to switch to ‘oh fine then’ mode and relent.

so naturally I’m like oh jesus now she’s gonna be mad at me for the whole night bc she didn’t get her way so I’m like, ‘no fine okay upload it sure’ and she says no, I told her not to, she won’t do it but ‘don’t expect me to be happy about it’.

and I just. god. I’m so sick of it. I’m so angry at her for not respecting me as an actual human being and not some toy to get angry at when I don’t work right, I’m angry at myself for crying over this when some people have mothers who abuse them, neglect them, disown them, while mine is just kind of a spoilt brat, and I’m angry just generally about how I feel I’m going mad for constantly being blamed for things when I haven’t done a thing wrong. I prob should have just given in and had a mildly embarrassing pic put on the internet that my family/friends prob would’ve just found nice, but I’m a grown woman who has the right to disagree w/ this??

I’m 22 years old and this is how I’m being treated by my own mum. I really cannot wait to find a decent paying job and leave. I’m coming back to this mindset way more often than I used to, I guess that’s a sign.