#i wanted to make this for the fifth but destiel lives on even after so ig this is fine lmao

[alignallofthelights]

Social Media Trending Analysis: Walker vs. DeanCasWedding

Social Media Metrics for Duke 1x05

Now that it’s the next day after the premiere of Duke, the fifth episode of the first season of Walker, I wanted to share the insights I found. Last night #Walker trended to #3 at United States Twitter Trending Top 30. During the course of the evening the show accumulated an excess of 12.3K, some additional hash-tags that trended during the course of the live tweeting included: #SendLoveToTexas and #Micki. 

It’s come to my attention that during the live tweeting a Destiel fan posted some information concerning the social media analysis which directly compared the #DeanCasWedding to #Walker. I will share the tweet for ease of reference. 

As you can see there are a number of issues with this data/cross analysis. I’ll begin to go through them point by point and then do a cross comparison of the two campaigns side by side. 

First and foremost you will see from the tweet in question that the poster did a 7-Day analysis between #Walker and #DeanCasWedding. This means that during the time #Walker was trending they completed a report that ran from 2/12-2/18. For those who are unaware #DeanCasWedding trended on 2/14, and Walker airs regularly on Thursdays. The past two Thursdays were 2/11 and 2/18. The poster is comparing a 7 Day analysis of a hash-tag to one that surges on Thursday during a live-tweet. The author is comparing apples to oranges. 

Secondly, Nielsen and Networks, don’t care about 7 Day reports and trends unless they are news programs or soap operas who have content being shared with public audiences every day or every week. There is no reason for them to monitor chatter in this way. Additionally Nielsen does not care about anything outside of the 7 hour airing window of the show in question. For example if you want your tweets to count towards the network/show and Nielsen’s top tweeted shows and your show of preference airs at 8 PM, only tweets from 5 PM - 12 AM will count towards the shows social media presence. Networks and content providers don’t care about anything outside of those hours. Which again shows how meaningless a 7-Day report is for social media concerning television series, and why I won’t track hash-tags outside of the day/time it trends. 

Now that those quick details have been addressed, I’m going to do a side-by-side analysis of the two hash-tags when they trended on the dates in question #DeanCasWedding on 2/14 and #Walker during the live tweet of 2/18. For those who are interested in seeing my original report on the DeanCasWedding trend data it’s here for reference. 

#DeanCasWedding

As shared before this is the most important data from the #DeanCasWedding. It trended on Twitter’s United States Trending Top 30 at #4 on 2/14, and generated a collective 46.3K tweets before it stopped trending at around 10-11PM EST. As mentioned before this campaign had a very high retweet threshold 67%, and a very high portion of the contributors had accounts that have been active for less than 1 year (26%), this is a high indication of sock puppet accounts/fake accounts. The average Destiel fan account tweeted 5-8 times on average to make the hash tag trend over the course of the 10-11 hours, with some of the top contributors tweeting an excess of 400 times. All this is provided in the report shared earlier.  

What does that mean? I want to zero in on the contributors column and the reach, because this is the heart of it all. Although they had 5.3k people contribute to their campaign the conversation was very insular, that means that the people tweeting likely had the same audience, same followership, and in general the same handles talking back and forth in a very small pool of people trading comments between one another. I will do a comparison to #Walker’s premiere later on because it’s the only other campaign I have record of that had a similar tweet threshold and trended for around the same time (During it’s premiere #Walker and #Jared Padalecki trended for 15 hours, peaked at #4 on Twitter’s Top 30, and generated 59.6K tweets). 

The bottom line here is that even though #DeanCasWedding was able to trend the substance is not meaningful due to the factors of reach, retweeting non-original content and sock accounts polluting the tag with what networks really value which is eye-balls reaching the tag and new people either learning or engaging with show/content. 

#Walker (1x05, “Duke”)

Looking at the data side by side, you will begin to notice a few differences. Some are intuitive. #DeanCasWedding had more tweets 43.6k to Walker’s Duke 12.3k, and as such they had more tweets and contributors. This makes sense, the hash tag trended longer, and Duke is in episode 5. However look at the reach between each of these campaigns. 

Duke’s Walker was able to reach 6.5 Million people, compared to DeanCasWedding’s 3 Million. Again this 12.3K+ tweet hash tag that trended for a handful of hours when the episode aired, was able to out reach a hashtag that trended for 10-11 hours on a Sunday with less competition, and on a day where people have more disposable time. This was also in light of Texas going through a major power outage, and understandable concern in addition to more topics taking light away from Walker (understandably and rightly so I may add). 

What this shows is that the individuals who are contributing to the Walker hash tag are diversified, meaning they have different account followings, different accounts who are live tweeting, and that the reach of these individuals is beyond that of Supernatural, and that they are engaging with more people overall. Even though Walker had ~30K less tweets than #DeanCasWedding the economical value of this hash tag is greater because of the reach, and the fact that the contributors are truly diverse from each other (i.e. they are all not retweeting and retargeting towards the same audiences, and double dipping and speaking with the same accounts). 

This can be seen in the number of original tweets created during each campaign. Walker’s Duke had 6.2K original tweets for a 12.3K hash tag, while DeanCasWedding had 13.7K original tweets for a 46.3K hash tag. 

Here is another interesting factor, the age of the twitter accounts who participated in this hash tag are lower than the DeanCasWedding one, showing the likelihood for less fake accounts. Walker has 18% of these newer accounts, while DeanCasWedding has 26%. Again why does a Destiel have so many users with less than 1 year accounts when the ship has existed for 13 years?  

Conclusion

What’s my point with this? Just because something has a high tweet count doesn’t mean it’s actually valuable as a social media campaign. It’s more important to go deeper into the data and understand who is interacting and how they are interacting. The number of tweets is just a small portion of a larger picture. 

I’m going to make my last point here because I know the Extreme Destiel fans are children and they will likely only look at the contributors column and boast how they have more people tweet over their campaign (ignoring the fact that it  took them weeks for several of the content creators to prepare for the date in question, and that they jumped on the fandom wagon from Samantha and Chad with the Roadhouse AU twitter roleplay), and so I want to dispel the notion here by sharing the Walker Premiere data. 

Walker Premiere

As mentioned above the Walker premiere trended for 15 hours on January 21st, peaked at #4 on the Twitter Trending Top 30, and generated 59.6K tweets. As you can see here the total contributors for the premiere far out scale and outweigh any numbers of the Destiel fan made wedding, and ultimately this is the reason why I don’t think any of their smear campaigns, jealousy and angry tweeting matter. The economic value of Walker is more than 7 times greater than the value of Destiel. 

When you compare similar scaling trends it’s clear #Walker is way bigger than Destiel is. 9.2K contributors, 5k individuals creating original content during the premiere, a retweet rate of 3-4, and wait for the K.O.

Look at that reach. 102 Million for Walker vs. 3 Million for Destiel. To further add salt to the wound: 

Minimal to no bot accounts. 

#micdrop

[arentinheaven]

(repost bc the formatting was completely ruined somehow)

here it is! my mabriel calamethar au! image IDs and explanation for the au below the cut

[IMAGE ID: Seven digital drawings all done in a palette of greys and reds. The first depicts Mary and Gabriel standing on a balcony while Mary smiles and Gabriel coughs up blood. Mary says “Do you know what I always hated you about, Gabriel?” The second shows a close up of Mary stabbing Gabriel in the back, the text continuing: “You were so. Damn. Lucky.” The third shows three massive statues of the other archangels, with Gabriel standing at the base. The text reads “I mean, fourth in line to the throne and the crown rests on your head.” The fourth image shows the other archangels as they lived, with Lucifer on the left holding an apple, Michael in the middle, and Raphael on the right. They are looking sternly downwards. The text reads “And each of your brothers better and more clever than you.” The fifth image shows Mary smiling, and then a close up her eye coloured in red. The text reads “It really makes the unfortunate minor lady of a less than wealthy barony feel… Well, a little underwhelming.” The sixth image is back on balcony, with Mary about to push Gabriel off. She says “I wonder if they’ll still call you Gabriel the Unfallen after this.” The seventh and final image is of Mary standing triumphant alone on the balcony, looking down. The text reads “Here’s to a future you can’t ruin.” END ID]

This AU makes very little sense on a number of levels, but here me out. The idea of the concept came because a friend and I were talking and they jokingly said that “destiel is calmethar”. I latched on to this because it was very funny and I wanted to expand on it. Unfortunately, destiel is NOT calmethar so I had to pick someone else. I chose Gabriel for Amethar because he has three other brothers (who could take the place of the Rocks sisters) and because the idea of Adam as Caramelinda made me fully insane. I picked Mary because I saw a mabriel post and it was really funny. 

This AU is shaky bc it rlly is based on nothing, but here are some of my ideas for other characters. I think Ruby and Jet would be Balthazar and Samandriel. I’m pretty into the idea of Cumulus being Sam (The Hungry One represented as demon blood). I’m leaning towards Lapin being Rowena but I’m open to changing that one. I think that Jack would be Saccerina, and instead of being Gabriel’s illegitimate son he’d be Lucifer’s, who Gabriel kept the secret of. So less marriage problems but still it makes Jack the rightful heir. Adam would be Caramelinda, like I said. I’m not really sure about anything else so if you have any ideas let me know!

Also I didn’t make them food people bc I felt like that would alienate even more people and also I refuse to even look at canon Calroy let alone draw Mary like him

[verobatto]

Destiel Chronicles

Vol. XCIX

It was a love story from the very beginning.

Dean is in love.

(13x11/13x12)

Hello my friends!!! We almost arriving to the half of the season!

I will talk mostly about episode 14x12, the episode Dean confesses he's in love, okay. Kind of. 🤣

Let's start this mess ...

Family Love

Episode 13x11 talks about family love to point us the difference with romantic love (Dean in the firsts 5 episodes).

We have Sam depressed, because he thinks they won't be able to find Mary. Now, the one that had lost his faith and hopes is Sam. And Dean will be the one keeping the hopes up, because he just got back his angel back.

The brother go to help Donna. Donna is desperate trying to find her lost niece. Her despair and her seek is a foreshadow how Sam and Mary searching for Dean in the first episode from season 14.

The vamps wear mask, (as symbolic representation of future Dean's possesion).

Another important point here is Doug breaking up with Donna once he discovers Donna hunts monsters.

This fact could be seen as a parallel to Cassie and Dean, but also, as a premonition of Dean and Cas break up.

The parallel of depression between Dean and Sam rests on the fact that Sam wasn't suicidal.

Sam had put all his hopes in Jack and now Jack is gone, so, all the words that come out from his mouth, are examples of how he feels. His speech to Donna after Doug left, it's a recalling of Dean's speech to Patience.

SAM: Let him go. Donna, when you choose this life, anyone who gets too close, eventually they get hurt. Or worse. So let him go. He’ll be safer that way.

And then, when he's alone with Dean...

DEAN: I mean, we save people, Sam.

SAM: Yeah, we also get people killed, Dean. Kaia, for instance. She helped us and she died for it.

DEAN: Hey, look, I know you’re in some sort of a—

SAM: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, don’t – don’t… You keep saying I’m in a dark place, but I’m not, Dean. Everything I’m saying is the truth. It’s our lives. And I tried to pretend it didn’t have to be. I tried to pretend we could have Mom back and Cas and – and help Jack. But we can’t. This ends one way for us, Dean. It ends bloody. It ends bad.

Sam is now where Dean had been, but not even bringing Castiel back gives Sam faith and hopes. He had a plan, and the plan failed. So he lost hopes. It points perfectly the difference with Dean. Dean recognized he was in bad shape, he recognized to Billy he wanted to die. Because the pain of loosing the love of his life was unbearable.

"I'm in love"

Episode 13x12 starts with two sister, witches, dressed in red and yellow, (Dean and Sam colors) Jennie and Jamie. Both girls want to bring their mother back from dead just like Sam and Dean want to bring their mother back from the AU.

They use a hammer to kill the first man in the episode. The hammer represents JUSTICE, and it will be seen a lot in the next season related to Dean, trying to make justice for what he lived possesed by Michael. The one killing the man is Jamie, Dean's mirror.

Let's jump now to Sam and Dean scene. And because this is a Yockey episode, we have some books to pay attention to. Don't worry, my friend @emblue-sparks did an excellent work analyzing the books that Yockey put in this episode. You can find that meta here.

All those books played their role as a premonition of AU!Michael possessing Dean experience.

Now, keeping the Family Love vs Romantic Love mirror, we switch places again in this dialogue...

SAM: I’m just saying, Dean, Jack was our way over there, obviously, so with him gone…

DEAN: Okay, well, Jack’s been gone before. We found him once. We can find him again.

Remember when Sam said this to Dean the so many times Cas was gone?

Now, just a piece in what Dean says... Shows us how much he misses his angel...

DEAN: We should probably loop Cas in at some point.

The scene with Cas and Lucifer locked in prison, and trying to escape, is another foreshadow for Dean's inner prison. But, it's interesting how we cut this scene to pass to Dean and witches sisters, with Jennie saying...

JENNIE: Doesn’t a kiss, like, usually wake up your true love?

So Dean kisses Dean's mirror... How symbolic is this? Very much...

Remember when in season 14 I was screaming all my way DEAN NEEDS TO LOVE HIMSELF BEFORE LOVE OTHERS? To ourselves is PIVOTAL for our mental health. Talking about Dean, it's fundamental to release himself from his emotional prison. Dean needs to know HE IS WORTHY. He needs to really love himself, that's the symbolism of this scene.

Now... The scene in which Dean days "I'm in love" has a tiny prelude... We need to see what Sam is doing or thinking before his brother enters joyfully confesses it...

SAM: Hey, uh… I think you might be right. I think maybe it’s time we go ahead and call Cas, because, I mean, if…if…

Why is Cas here again? Preluding Dean's quote? Simply because DEAN IS IN LOVE WITH CAS

SAM: You all right?

DEAN: Am I all right? I’m in love.

SAM: You...Oh, are you?

DEAN: I mean, I am, like, full-on twitterpated here. Seriously, I can’t wait for you to meet her, either (...)

(Gif set credit @inacatastrophicmind )

(Gif set credit @bennylafitte )

And the big SAMMY KNOWS SCENE, poor soul he thought Dean will confess his feeling for the angel to his brother, that's why he wheels enthusiastically to hear him. That's why he asks as if he didn't know. But then Dean goes 'her' and Sam shakes his head puzzled... Why? Because he's sure his brother lives Castiel, and Castiel's is a 'him'. Wrong pronoun.

That's when our insightful moose starts to suspect something is fishy.

Rowena and the fifth base

Another important scene was Rowena talking about the fifth base, which, everybody knows what it means...

ROWENA: (...) Tell me, did they get to fifth base?

DEAN: There’s no such thing as fifth base.

ROWENA: Oh, you poor, sheltered boy. [Dean gives Sam a confused look] Anyway. What’s by is by.

(Gif set credit @whoeveryoulovethemost )

Analyzing Dean's reaction to Rowena's wording in second meaning, we can Conclude he knew what was she exactly talking about. He swallows at the WHAT'S BY IS BY, and blinks flustered. Someone knows his secret hahaahahaha

Also, Rowena deceiving the boys, is Asmodeus playing Cas...

DEAN: Oh, I’m gonna say it. She played you.

SAM: [defensively] She played us.

This is a foreshadow of Dean recognizing in front of Cas that Asmodeus played him and his brother, they should see that coming. Dean will feel guilty and will confess it to his angel.

Another little but interesting scene was Jamie and Jennie killing each other, just the ending Chuck will reveal he wants for Sam and Dean in season 15.

At the end of the episode, we'll see Rowena releasing herself from her chains. As a representation of Dean releasing himself from his inner prison.

To Conclude:

These two episode keep playing with symbolism and foreshadows of season 14.

The scene of Dean kissing Dean's mirror shows us the idea of Healing!Dean in season 14.

Sammy definitely knows Dean is in love with Cas, fight me.

Hope you like this meta, see you in the next one!

Tagging @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @weird-dorky-little-d @michyribeiro @whyjm @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @authorsararayne @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel @ran-savant @little-crazy-misha-minion @samoosetheshipper

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @nerditoutwithbooks @mikennacac73 @justmeand-myinsight @idontwantpeopletoknowmyname @teddybeardoctor @pepevons @helevetica @isthisdestiel @dizzypinwheel @jawnlockwinchester @horsez2 @qanelyytha

@destielle @spnsmile @shippsblog @robot-feels @superlock-in-the-tardis @superduckbatrebel @2musiclover2 @madronasky @anon-non2 @cea1996 @lisafu02 @asphodelesauvage @destiels-canonahhhhhhhhhh

If you wanna be added or removed from this list just let me know.

If you wanna read the previous metas from this season, here you have the links:

Vol. XCIII, XCIV, XCV, XCVI, XCVII, XCVIII.

Buenos Aires, February 7 2021 1:58 PM

[foolondahill17]

I posted 3,681 times in 2021

97 posts created (3%)

3584 posts reblogged (97%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 36.9 posts.

I added 68 tags in 2021

#supernatural - 16 posts

#spn - 13 posts

#babyjackkline - 6 posts

#suptober - 5 posts

#suptober21 - 5 posts

#destiel - 5 posts

#castiel - 5 posts

#suptober2021 - 5 posts

#jackklinefanart - 4 posts

#jackkline - 4 posts

Longest Tag: 103 characters

#the idea that dean could become healthy enough to confidently impart his wisdom to others is so awesome

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Destiel fic: silver linings

Title: silver linings

Pairings: Dean/Cas, Sam/Eileen (background) 

Summary:  Dean Winchester is bi. Sexual and polar, but he doesn’t really talk about either. He doesn’t have friends. And he certainly doesn’t have relationships. He has what his therapist Pam calls “impulsive, reckless sexual interactions.” His attempts at meaningful connection have resulted in ruined friendships, broken hearts, and restraining orders, and he sure as hell isn’t looking to try again. He’s content to finally be stable enough to hold down a job and live by himself after years of being babied by his little brother. So, he certainly isn’t interested in his apartment complex’s strange assortment of technological geniuses that may or may not be hiding from the law, porn star landlords, and wry, socially awkward, and devastatingly handsome artists who all seem determined to drag him into their motley crew.

Chapters: 37 and counting

Rating: M 

Tags: Alternate Universe - No Monsters, Slow Build, and they were neighbors, Mechanic Dean Winchester, Artist Castiel (Supernatural), Lawyer Sam Winchester, Gamer Charlie Bradbury, Autistic Castiel (Supernatural), Bipolar Dean Winchester

Short list of warnings (more info in author note of chapter one): mental health issues discussed at length, including suicidality and self-harm; addiction recovery; hospitalization; prison; sexual trauma; past child abuse; pervasive themes about parenthood and custody battles.  

Read on AO3

Here’s the thing: Dean knows he’s a headcase. He takes three daily medications, plus one as-needed sleep aid and a fast-acting anti-anxiety med for emergencies. He’s even got one of those old-person pill organizers he keeps on the back of his counter and four separate alarms on his phone to make sure he remembers to take his pills. He’s got two honest-to-God personal head shrinkers: one for trimonthly med reviews and one for weekly head reviews.

He’s been to two court-issued rehab programs, one for narcotic pain meds and one for booze. He has two restraining orders against him. He doesn’t want to touch his juvenile record with a ten-foot pole. And, three years ago, he spent four months in a state penitentiary for aggravated assault and a month in the prison’s ding wing before being transferred to a psychiatric hospital for six months and then ten months of probation in the care of his kid brother.

So, yeah, Dean knows he’s a fucking headcase. Absolutely, certifiably, off-the-rocker insane. The evidence is astronomical. So much so, he really doesn’t need Sammy to constantly remind him of it.

“I know, Sam. Jesus,” Dean says for probably the fifth time that day, all at steadily increasing levels of pissed-off.

Sam’s unmitigated train of reassurances breaks off abruptly at, “and I’m only 20 minutes away, 15 in an emergency, so –” and ends on his patented Bitch Face Numero Ocho.

“I just wanna make sure you’re okay,” Sam grumbles. His cheek jumps as he clenches his jaw.

Dean lets his eyes slide away from Sam’s because he’s never done well with eye-contact. It used to bring out all the best listen to me when I’m talking to you, young man spiels from his teachers. And he tries to dial it back a little, because Sam’s just trying to help, damn him.

“Dude, I asked you to help move my stuff, not give me a lecture,” Dean says. He rolls his eyes, but then he tags on a smirk to make Sam stop scowling.

It sort of works. Sam sends back his own eye-roll, levels the tower of cardboard boxes he’d lugged up the stairs in his orangutan arms, and mumbles, “Am helping.”

Dean shoves his own cardboard box onto the counter, scuffing up a trail of filmy dust behind it. Sam straightens up to his full gigantor-height and sends his eyes around the room. His scowl turns into the kind of look Dean imagines rich people put on when they’re pretending to admire their gardener’s Christmas card, and Sam says, “It’s, ah, bigger than I thought it’d be.”

That’s about the nicest thing you could say about the place, and it isn’t even true. The listing said it was a “compact studio,” which is just another way of saying “perfect upsize for hermit crab.” The kitchen exists for about three feet before it turns into the living room, which hits the far wall after another 12 feet. There are two doors to the right; one probably leads into the bathroom. The other, if Dean’s lucky, opens into a closet. If he’s unlucky, it adjoins the apartment next door, like a hotel. Plus, the building must have been built in a time when people were a lot shorter, because the ceilings are only five or six inches taller than the top of Sam’s bushy head. It gives the place an even more cramped, claustrophobic feel. But it’s big enough for a pullout couch and the small pile of crap Dean’s managed to accumulate while bunking with his brother.

“It’s a shithole,” Dean says.

“Yeah,” Sam allows finally, wrinkling his nose. “It’s a shithole.”

57 notes • Posted 2021-04-20 22:32:34 GMT

#4

7/31

That's his son 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

61 notes • Posted 2021-10-08 02:48:15 GMT

#3

In HBO!SPN, Ben is confirmed Dean's son when he is the alternate Michael vessel, not Adam.

68 notes • Posted 2021-01-29 20:19:38 GMT

#2

s16e237: Season Sixteen, Time for a Wedding!

93 notes • Posted 2021-02-09 13:58:25 GMT

#1

We all know what color they are ❤🧡💛💚💙💜

I'm baaaaaarely slipping through the door for prompt 3 😂😂😂😂😂

103 notes • Posted 2021-10-04 04:05:23 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[destielstuffandthings]

Back Together Again

Destiel prompt: Dean goes out to a bar or maybe goes out on a case and gets practically beaten to a pulp cuz he got ganged up on. Dean gets home and Cas sees his injuries and gets super protective and pissed. Up to you whether Cas goes out to smite those who hurt Dean or chooses to tend to Dean's injuries. Congrats on 2600 followers! Love your blog 💜💜

Warnings: None? I mean, Dean get’s wrecked and there’s a healthy dose of angst with some kissing at the end

The fifth shot of whiskey burns just a bit less than the fourth one did. At least Dean thinks it’s the fifth. He can’t really remember.

He can’t get Sam’s stupid “I’m worried about you, please just stay home and talk about this” face out of his head, but the alcohol is starting to blur it a little. He can’t stay cooped up in that fucking bunker anymore or he’s going to lose his mind. It’s been weeks since Castiel left, not that that had anything to do with Dean’s bad mood and alcohol intake. No. What did make it worse was watching that stupid, somehow always clean, trench coat wrapped around his best friend walk up the bunker stairs and to God knows where. Wait, yeah. That’s what what bugging him, actually.

No calls, no texts, nothing. And it was starting to weigh on him. Sure, they’d gone this long without talking before, but that’s because one or the was dead at the time. It’s not like they chose not to talk to each other, there just isn’t great cell reception in Purgatory.

But Cas chose this time. He chose to walk away from Dean. And that just really fucking sucked.

Dean signaled the bartender, a really hot bartender that he hadn’t been paying any attention to like he usually would be.

“Need another.” He pushed the shot glass forward with his pointer finger before resting his head in his other hand.

“Sure hope you ain’t drivin’ sweetheart,” the bartender purred as she filled his glass. “Might wanna think about switchin’ to beer.”

“M’good,” he waved his hand in an impatient attempt to get his drink quicker. She sighed and nudged it forwards before walking away. He watched as a drop slid down the glass and melted into the napkin beneath it.

A loud snap caught his attention from across the room.

“You fuckin’ kidding me, man? That’s bullshit! I ain’t payin’ you!” A long greasy haired man stood there with a broken pool cue in his hands. “You fuckin’ hustler---” Greasy hair charged at the other man and before Dean knew what he was doing he was standing between them.

“Alrigh’ guys, let’s take it down a notch. No need to disturb this fine establishment with your cat fight.” Dean held his hands out to the men and put on his best Dean smile, which right now kinda came off as a weird smirk.

“Get the fuck outta my way, man. This isn’t ain’t your fight,” non greasy hair guy yelled.

Dean licked his lip and smiled. “Nope, it sure as hell isn’t, but I’m sittin’ my ass over there trying to enjoy my drink and I can’t seem to do that with you idiot assholes bitching like teenagers.” He clapped his hands together and motioned to both the men. “So, how about you pay up. Not his fault you can’t pick a hustler out of a lineup.”

A shotgun cocking made everyone freeze.

“How about all of you mother fuckers get the hell on outta here before I use this on all your asses?” The bartender stood behind them with the gun in one hand and the other on her hip. Dean snickered at how easy it would be to disarm her but hey, she was just doing her job so he let it slide.

He raised his hands in defense. “Alright honey, I get it. Just tryin’ to help.”

She cocked an eyebrow and glanced to her gun. “Does it look like I need your fuckin’ help? You three,” she waved her finger a the three men. “Out. Now.”

Dean rolled his eyes and reached for his wallet. He slapped a few twenties on the bar before heading towards the exit. Once the damp night air hit his face he realized just how drunk he really was. He fumbled with his eyes trying to unlock the Impala. He had every intention of sleeping it off in the bar parking lot when he heard footsteps coming up behind him.

“Hey asshole!”

Dean turned to see greasy hair guy and a few of his friends behind him.

“You should learn to mind your own fucking business,” he yelled.

Dean shook his head. “You should learn to spot a hustle. Not my fault you’re dumb as shi-----”

That’s the last thing Dean really remembers from that night. There are glimpses and flashes in his throbbing head.

Punches crushing the bones in his face. The air being kicked out of his lungs. Something hard and cold smashing his fingers against the wet asphalt of the parking lot.

He had no clue where he was or how he got there, but this definitely wasn’t his bed. It didn’t feel or smell like his room in the bunker. He tried to sit up but someones hand pushed him back down.

“Sammy?” His voice was hoarse and broken. His jaw ached and he’s pretty sure one of his molars was missing. Swallowing hard, he pried one of his eyes open immediately shielding it from the light. “Where’m I?”

Someone sighed next to him as he felt something warm touch his head before he passed out.

~*~*~*~*~

The next time Dean woke up was much easier. The pain in his face was gone and his lungs didn’t crackle every time he took a breath. He sat up in bed and ran a hand through his hair. His fingers snagged on something sticky and hard.

“What the fuck,” he whispered as he pulled his hand away. His fingertips were red and covered in dried blood.

“I apologize, I hadn’t had the chance to wash it our of your hair yet.”

Dean turned his had over his shoulder towards the voice he’d know anywhere. He’d heard it in hell. He’d heard it in his dreams every night. He’d hear it long after he was actually dead and gone from this world.

“Cas?” His eyes widened as he swung his legs over the bed.

“Don’t get up,” Castiel warned.

Dean rushed out as he stood and walked towards the tired looking angel. He stopped in his tracks when he realized he wasn’t wearing any pants, just a pair of boxers that also weren’t his. He looked down at his bare legs and then back to his friend. “Uh, Cas?”

The angel pulled his eyebrows together and looked at the ground. “I needed to remove your pants to tend to your wounds. You leg was broken in three places.”

“Well, shit,” Dean breathed out. He sat back on the bed and ran both hands over his face, feeling more than a days worth of stubble. “Shit, wait. Sam. I gotta call him and---”

“He knows you’re here,” Castiel said smoothly as he walked over to a bowl of water. He rang a washcloth out in it and walked over to the bed. “I called him as soon as I got you back here.”

“Where exactly is ‘here’?” Dean asked, watching as his friend raised the cloth to his forehead.

“It’s my,” he cleared his throat nervously, “this is where I live now. Jody is letting me stay here.” He wiped gently at Dean’s hairline, pointedly ignoring Dean’s gaze.

“Oh,” was all Dean said. “How uh---How’d you know where I was? How’d you even get to me?”

Castiel folded in the red corner of the cloth and worked a clean section deeper into his hair. His forehead creased and glanced at Dean. “You were calling out for me. I think you were mostly unconscious, but I could hear your praying. For me.”

Dean looked down at his lap and picked at something invisible on the blanket draped across his lap. “I don’t remember---”

“They almost killed you Dean, I’m not surprised,” he said quickly and set the washcloth aside. “I wasn’t quite finished healing your head wound before you woke up. Do you mind?” He raised his hand to Deans forehead with a questioning look.

“Knock yourself out,” Dean shrugged. He watched his friends eyes close as a bright light manifested above his head. His scalp tingled and he felt his skin pulling together. He sighed when Castiel pulled away. “Thanks,” he mumbled, running his fingers over the now healed wound. “Of course, Dean.” The angel stood and crossed the room to deposit the cloth in a hamper and rinsed his hands off in the sink. “I hope you’ll be more careful in the future. I won’t---” Castiel gripped the edge of the sink hard. “I’m not around to look out for you, or your brother, anymore.”

Dean’s heart felt like it was smashed with a sledgehammer. He watched his friends expression fall and his knuckles turn white against the porcelain sink. He stood quickly, fuck pants, and walked over to the angel. Without thinking, he pulled Castiel’s hand away and held it in his own.

“Cas,” Dean whispered, his voice betraying him as it broke. “Come home.”

Castiel didn’t say anything for what felt like years. He stared down at his hand is Dean’s and shook his head. “You know I can’t.”

“Why?” He gripped Cas’ hand tighter.

“You know why. As you once said about yourself Dean, I’m poison.”

Dean sucked in a breath and yanked Castiel towards his chest. His free hand gripped the back of the angels neck tightly and glared into his eyes. “Don’t you ever fucking say that again,” he hissed.

The angel pulled back enough to look Dean in the eyes. He pinched his eyes shut and raised a hand to Dean’s chest, feeling his heart pound in his chest.

“Dean,” he sighed heavily. “I left for a reason. You---you don’t want me anymore. I only make things harder for you, I can’t keep making things worse, so I need to stay away.”

Dean’s throat tightened as tears pricked behind his eyes.

“I don’t want you anymore? I don’t WANT you anymore?” Dean tightened the grip on Castiel’s neck and pulled him forward.

The kiss was a blur of lips and teeth. Dean registered the smooth feeling of Cas’ tongue tenderly moving against and vowed to feel this again every day for the rest of his life. His fingers ran through the thick hair at the base of Castiel’s neck and pulled him even closer as he rocked into him.

“Always wanted you, Cas,” he whispered between kisses. “Always. Please. Please come home.”

Castiel sighed into the kiss and wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist, his hands running up his back. “I missed you,” he whispered against Dean’s mouth.

Dean smiled and kissed the angels lips tenderly before pulling away. “Missed you too, Cas.” He kissed his lips once more before running his fingertips over Cas’ cheekbone. “C’mon, let’s go home.”

[tibbinswrites]

Hi! Absolutely LOVE your writing!!! If you still have a spot left for your prompts can you do #7, Destiel, cannonverse, and angst as long as it ends happy? Also, just wanted to say a couple years back I struggled really bad with depression and self-harming (though I haven’t in 3 years now, yay!) and how you write Dean just resonates so much with me and makes me feel like I’m not alone. You just portray that so well, so thank you so much for your sharing your writing with us, it is wonderful! 🙂

Hi!  I didn’t forget about this, I promise! I’ve just been struggling to write anything lately so I was doing like a sentence at a time. Congratulations on making it 3 years! That’s an incredible achievement, you should be so proud :D I’m so happy that my Dean resonates with you. You are not alone and I’m really glad that my Dean helps with that.  Thank you so much for your kind words, here is your fic ^_^ you asked for a happy ending, but given the subject matter the best I could do here was a hopeful ending. I hope you like it :)

Alcohol/Alcoholism cw.

Prompt 7. “Are you drunk?”

It was a bad habit of his, he knew. Probably his worst habit if he had to rank them. When a beer at the end of the day became two, became a half-dozen, became almost a full fifth of whisky. It didn’t happen every time, he comforted himself by reasoning. Sometimes he really did have one beer and could leave it at that, but sometimes, even on good days but without the excuse of a party, he could be found passed out in one of the rec rooms, or in the kitchen, or that one time in the hallway.

This morning he woke curled up in the backseat of Baby like he was in his twenties again. Every screaming, cramped muscle quickly reminded him that that wasn’t the case. He groaned and untwisted himself slowly, giving his spine time to ease back towards straightening. His mouth was tacky and disgusting, his head a throbbing mess and he smelled his own rank alcohol-sweat infused into his clothes and the leather below them.

“Sorry Baby,” he croaked, resolving to clean her later. After he’d had a shower and brushed his teeth. But he didn’t even get that far when, during the process of inching his way out of the car, he saw Cas at the mouth of the garage, watching him. “Are you drunk?” He asked, his voice harsh and too firm for Dean’s sensitive ears. “No, Cas. If I was drunk I wouldn’t hurt all over.” Cas made an angry sound and shook his head. “You don’t approve?” Dean said, trying to add as much mockery into his tone as he could with his head pounding away like Michael was still in there.

“No.” Cas said shortly. “What if Jack had seen you like this?” “Pretty sure he has. What? You’re worried I’m a bad influence?” he chuckled. “Bit late for that.”

Cas just pursed his lips and watched as Dean leaned gingerly against the car, holding his hand to the cool metal for a few seconds and then pressing it to his forehead. It helped, a little.

“I just don’t understand,” Cas said. “It was a normal day. We returned from a hunt two days ago so you’re not going stir-crazy, the hunt itself went well so it’s not the after-effects of that, you were in a good mood all day but we weren’t celebrating anything and you didn’t sleep before you started drinking so it wasn’t a nightmare. You don’t have a reason to get as drunk as you did. I don’t understand why you keep doing this.”

Behind the anger in Cas’ voice Dean could still hear the worry, the desperation, and suddenly he didn’t feel so cocky anymore.

“I don’t either.” He said. “But it’s safer this way.”

“Safer?” Cas repeated. “Dean, you’re killing yourself.”

Dean winced. He didn’t think of it that way. He knew that drinking was an unhealthy coping mechanism, and he was pretty sure that that’s what it was that drove him to the bottle on bad days. He knew what alcohol did to the body and he saw some those effects in himself. He was pretty sure it was an addiction, but he also knew he could never admit that. Logically, he knew that if he were anyone else then yes, absolutely he’d be drinking himself into the grave, but realistically? With the life he had he was pretty sure he wouldn’t get the chance to die of liver failure.

“Safer than going on hunts when my hands are shaking and my eyes get blurry?” He shot back. “I know my limits, Cas.”

Of course, his limits had changed over the years. Once upon a time drinking while on a case was unthinkable, now he had no problem with it. He never overdid it when they were specifically going in for the kill, but in the preliminaries? Just asking questions and coming up with theories? There was no harm in indulging a little. The burn in his throat made him feel clearer. It was a sharp comfort, familiar and warm. Plus, his tolerance was solid. It took him a lot to even get buzzed, and when that wasn’t his aim, he hardly ever needed to go that far.

“I hate that I can’t heal you of this.” Cas said, his voice quiet but echoing in the garage. “I can sober you up, heal your liver, but I can’t stop your craving. I can’t stop you from doing the damage again, I can only take it away once it’s done.” Dean didn’t know what to say to that but he felt guilt begin to shift around inside him. He never liked to think about what other people thought of his bad habit, especially people he actually cared about. He’d tried to turn it around once, remembered how it had felt to see 2014 Cas strung out on drugs, powerless and grinning, stupid with his own misery. Was that how the others saw him? He’d followed that thought with a bottle and a half of Jim Beam until he forgot all about it. Looking at Cas now, that same helplessness he’d felt was in the angel’s eyes. He wanted to take it away, but he knew that doing so would take something from himself, something that he wasn’t quite ready to give up yet. It wasn’t about the drinking, not really, it was about the comforting habit of it, like a child sucking their thumb. It soothed him to know that no matter how shitty the day, there would always be booze at the end of it, smelling like gasoline and promising a few hours of blank memory.

They all needed something. He’d said it before. Hunters always needed something and he was far from the first to choose the bottle. His father had, and Dean, always eager to shrug into John Winchester’s ill-fitting jacket, had copied him. Sam hadn’t developed his obsession with food until later. He’d never minded burgers and chilli fries growing up, though Dean had done his best to make sure Sam ate at least some vegetables, and only after they began hunting together in earnest, with the stakes getting increasingly higher, that Sam began to clamp down rules on what he would and wouldn’t eat. The rules didn’t always make sense to Dean, and they seemed to vary from day to day. More than once Dean had offered to make something that Sam had asked for the previous week, only to be snapped at like he’d said something offensive. He always tried not to snap back. It was just Sam’s way of getting some control back in their lives that seemed to constantly go off the rails.

Drinking didn’t exactly give him control, but it amounted to the same thing. If you took away the thing that a hunter used to cope, you’d have an inefficient and probably quickly dead hunter. He couldn’t afford to give it up when he stood to lose so much more if he did. He was a damn good hunter the way he was, and with the world in the balance he couldn’t risk tipping the scales.

“I can’t do anything about it any more than you can right now,” he said wearily. Dropping even more of his weight back against the car. “I know how to work like this, Cas, it’s the only way I know how to work. We’ve got bigger things to deal with. Like I said, it’s safer.”

Cas didn’t look pleased, but he edged forward all the same. Dean felt his heart warm, even though the defeated expression on Cas’ face hurt him. “And after? Once we’ve dealt with what needs to be dealt with? Will you give it up then?”

Dean reached for the angel and drew him in close. This was a new thing between them, well… not really, Dean had wanted it for a very long time, but only recently had they decided that they wouldn’t lose anything by trying, because in the grand scheme of saving the world, who cared if an angel and a hunter admitted they were in love? This specific happening was pretty new though. Usually it was Cas comforting him. After a bad hunt or when grief threatened to overwhelm him or when he had nightmares Cas always held him, rocked him, soothed him. But now it was Cas clinging to him like a barnacle, tucking himself against Dean’s chest as though he didn’t care that Dean smelled like a dumpster in a heatwave. Dean ran a hand down his back and up again, pressing kisses of apology into Cas’ hair. “I’ll try,” he promised. “I really will.” Maybe it wasn’t the happiest of conclusions to this conversation, but this was a healing that Cas couldn’t do, and Dean knew himself that there was no quick fix. He hated hurting Cas like this, knew that he was hurting Sam too, but at the moment, it was too dangerous to do anything else. There was hope though. Dean had already figured out that he drank less when he was happy, and this was the first binge he’d had since he and Cas had decided to let it be called love. Dean already called that progress. It might not be the progress that Cas wanted, but he was proud of it all the same, and once the world was safe he really would try to give it up. It would be a hard slog, but what in his life wasn’t? And it would be worth it. To stop his family worrying, to see Cas’ huge, gummy smile, to see the quiet pride in Sam’s eyes. Maybe it was a long way off, but as he tightened his hold on Cas, he knew that he would make damn sure he got there.

[thirteenthspirit]

ESG Investing in the Pokémon World

As a financial advisor (aka professional bank pimp), it seems the concept of “Sustainable Investing” has really taken hold this past year, despite being around for quite a few years. I was pondering new investment ideas and recommendations (so they can sit patiently on my desk waiting for my boss’s approval) and noticed that most of them are ESG-focused. Of course.

As a Millennial (like that means anything), imagining that your investments might go towards helping someone or doing some good for the world is a key motivation. I don’t mind even sacrificing some additional returns, if that means my money is being put to good use. Unfortunately, I don’t really have a lot of like-minded people as Clients, so raw returns still dominate the investment sphere. But we’ll get there!

I want to explain a bit what it is we call ESG – Environmental, Social and (Corporate) Governance Investing. It is a very studied and elaborated research topic that has become so convoluted that virtually any company can be qualified as ESG-passable (sigh). A company with a high ESG score means it Excels in all or one of these three key areas. The ESGest of them all, try to integrate in their daily practices some of the UN’s 17 Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs), which range from ending world hunger to reducing inequality, climate action, etc.

I’ve also been replaying Pokémon Platinum (ayyy you see where this is going don’t you?) – probably not, since you haven’t read my previous newsletters. But anyway.

Sinnoh could really benefit a lot from some ESG-focused investing, especially in the Environmental aspect of it. The first thing that popped into my mind was the Fuego Ironworks. No, it is not related to the 2018 Eurovision Song Contest runner-up’s song of choice, but rather a big warehouse-like facility harboring a huge furnace in the center of it all. If you manage to get past the arrow-one-direction-thingies leftover from the renovation of the Viridian Gym, you eventually reach this massive incinerator. Ok, so, fossil fuels are a big no-no in the battle for climate change. Hydrogen plants and renewable energies trump coal mines and similar facilities. So I would take that big chunk of investor money and shut down the Fuego Ironworks. I know what you’re thinking – WHERE ELSE AM I GONNA CATCH A POKÉMON WITH FLAME BODY THIS EARLY IN THE GAME so I can hatch that perf Togepi (because what else) – but fret not, those Magmar can relocate to Stark Mountain. But uh… maybe I’d try to throw a couple of Slugma near the Lost Tower or something, so you can still hatch them eggs early on. Need a motherboard-frying Magnemite? You can now catch them in Iron Island! Have fun.

But shutting down a massive energy-producing (assumption here assumption there la la la) facility like this is BOUND to have an effect on the residents, especially for the people who live in the nearby towns – I mean where else are Floaroma residents supposed to work? Smell the flowers in the floaroma medow (which is somehow located DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO THE IRONWORKS but ok)? Serve as night guides to wandering girls and their Chansey in Eterna Forest? Or sweat away in the Valley Windworks?

Huh? Windworks? Like an actual wind power farm? Grab ‘em Pachirisu and let’s go!

Seriously, the Valley Windworks would be exactly where my inflows would go. From any residual money gathered from the sale of the Ironworks, my investors could provide a massive overhaul of the windworks. We could bring specialists in from Hoenn’s Weather Institute and build a ton more Teletubbies (my boyfriend’s endearing nickname for those huge fan-thingies). Maybe we could even expand to hydraulics, what with that huge river flowing alongside the facility. Just imagine the drifloon! One for each doom-bearing child.

Ok great! We’ve managed to take action by remodeling the energy supply from the area, effectively diminishing its carbon emissions while preserving the citizens’ quality of life. For me that qualified as a big E investment! And maybe our work wouldn’t stop here, if you’ve got a few cents in your pocket imagine if we could harness the energy from Mt. Coronet! With cares not to disturb any dimensional beings or pseudo-gods. Just a thought.

Miss Moving On is a song by Fifth Harmony. Next we have the “Social” aspect of ESG investing. This would be the category where you would find the community-improving or demographic and populational aiding aspects. Infrastructures, accessibility, any and every thing that could better a population’s daily routine and ensure its sustainability for generations to come. So which issues plague Sinnoh residents? I can think of a few – weird people with bowl-shaped haircuts stealing Pokémon, people-swallowing marshes, freakin’ SELFDESTRUCTING ROCKS (née Geodude) and the occasional time/space distortions from the odd attempt at creating new universes.

Well let’s not go overboard with our intervention, we cannot hope to solve ALL problems plaguing our beloved residents. Let’s start with a simple issue. Little Timmy loves everything related to boats. Boats boats boats and sometimes ships – so he loves going to Sunyshore City, to see the Lighthouse. He goes whenever he can - he swears one time he even had a date with a girl who was visiting with her Ampharos! Legend has it for him it was love at first sight. But she had a ship to catch, bound for her hometown region. So they agreed to meet that very night, before she departed. She waited and waited, but Timmy never came. With tears in her eyes, the girl was last seen boarding the ship, never to return…

Dang it Timmy! Why did you do that?

Well… the thing is, Timmy tried. Timmy lives in Solaceon town and works for the local newspaper. So on that afternoon, after collecting his heart scales, he cheerfully got on his bike and began pedaling, heading to meet his lover. But there is no direct route from Solaceon to Sunyshore – Solaceon is pretty much isolated where it stands, one has to either go North trough Veilstone or face the marshes of the south through Pastoria, to finally traverse route 222 to the city.

Since a bike would sink pretty hard on the bog, Timmy rode North. He got drenched in rain before reaching Veilstone, though – forcing him to change clothes in the city before carrying on. Oh and he claims to have also had an encounter with a couple of Psyduck which seemed pretty checked out… I assume Misty rammed her bike into one. After leaving the city, he just had to face – I’m sorry, am I reading this correctly, inexistent participant – “hellhounds”. Um… ok… Timmy is a BIG Supernatural fan (Destiel FTW). But he finally made it to the Hotel Grand Lake – the last rest stop before reaching Sunyshore. His legs were already tired, and he was sweatin’ bullets, but his spirits were high as a Staravia!

“I’m sorry sir but Route 222 is closed until further notice, due to the occurrence of a blackout”.

Aaaand that was the end of Timmy’s love story. Don’t feel bad for him, I hear he went on to win a Pulitzer from his work on exposing the Ditto sex trafficking scheme.  

Maybe if Timmy had been a little faster on his route, he could’ve avoided the blackout altogether, it is just such a long stretch of Sinnoh to traverse…

Like Timmy, many residents who work in East Sinnoh face this issue in their daily commute – the lack of viable connections. So where could we begin to tackle this subject?

Well I heard of a guy who has been trying to dig a tunnel from Route 2014, to Solaceon Town, all by himself! Must be tough, Excadrill weren’t even invented back then…

Maybe our kind investors could give him a hand with their funds! We could make the efforts go faster and more smoothly, maybe even establish some underground ferry mechanism to aid in the crossover. Create a separate entrance, so people wouldn’t have to disturb the Unown. The newly crafted pathway would sure come in handy for travelers, maybe even helping in dynamizing Solaceon or Celestic Town with tourists staying at the Hotel Grand Lake! Seems like a somewhat simple-enough project for us to tackle.

So we basically identified a necessity, designed a way to overcome said necessity and then implemented it – thus creating sustainable impact!

Fantastic! Stunning!

Speaking of stunning – hrm, our efforts might be a bit derailed if these “blackouts” continue. Maybe someone could go have a chat with Volkner, to stop experimenting with the power grid? Perhaps Flint could help, I hear they get along quite well… Does he even have a license to tinker with the mechanisms? What, imaginary voice? You don’t need one in Sinnoh? So you mean I can just connect my Raichu to a generator and power my entire 12-story building?

That seems… unlawful. Couldn’t we do something to change that? Well, we could write a strong-worded letter to the lawmakers of Sinnoh, urging them to pass legislation on these activities. Maybe even use our leftover funds to raise enough awareness on this issue, so we could enact this change in policy! Wow, that’s what I call putting the G in Governance.

Random segway aside, that is exactly what the last letter in ESG is meant to state – policy, rules, means of internal conduct and culture that an organization runs with. And apart from Volkner’s constant need to reinvent his contraptions, there is a topic on which we can praise Sinnoh – gender equality.

Now, we recognize that we don’t know the details, but let’s assume Gym Leaders are paid equally, as not to have poor shivering Candice earning 70 cents on the poke-dollar, compared to Byron’s wage. 4 female and 4 male gym leaders comprise Sinnoh’s gym challenge. 50/50, nice message to relay. Ok fine, if we only look at the number and don’t analyze much else, we can give Sinnoh a passing grade on this one… what about the Elite Four?

The Elite Four is also comprised of 2 male and 2 female members. Wow, nicely thought out. And Cynthia is given enough screen time to actually be a fleshed out character, even appearing in several generations. She is, after all, in my opinion, the toughest Champion the Player is required to face.

But other generations don’t really follow suit – the list of League Champions or Elite Four members is comprised mostly of men… In these regions perhaps some gender diversity or inclusion metrics could be put in place, starting with getting each of them to affirm their stance and compromise with ending gender inequality in the League Challenge!

For that, I guess we’ll have to take that same ship and sail away to another region, with the sure knowledge that (maybe) we managed to help Sinnoh inch a little closer to a sustainable future!

Your ESG-type Trainer,  

                                                                                                 -João A. (Pachiren)  

[har-rison-s]

Tiny Dancer - Three

I hadn’t really thought this through, apparently. Some memories are harder to write about, even if they’ve happened a very long time ago.

What I’m trying to write about currently, is… something I miss very much. Two someones. My friends, the first ones. The ones I hang onto still, to this day.

I miss them everyday and even if I had only one of them, everything would be much easier. My life would certainly get better and I wouldn’t feel so lonely. Lonely in how I feel, maybe, lonely in who I am and what I have to live through.

I’ve had many other friends. Colleagues in Ontario, neighbours in Oregon, flatmates in California, and so on and on. I’ve been all over the states and every place I’ve been to I’ve had some friends. I guess I just attract people naturally. Thankfully, only the good kind so far. But I’ve never felt… completely good with any of them. 

I’ve never felt the way I felt with Steve and James. 

I met them both when I started attending a Math club in fifth grade. It seems like a lifetime ago, and it is, actually, such a long, long time ago. Long, long ago... Like that song. 

Unfortunately, my school didn’t have a Math club. I guess because it wasn't a school for after-school clubs and participations. So I had to go to Brooklyn's school on Wednesdays after classes, which Steve and James were attending.

I wasn’t all that interested in Math, but my math teacher signed me up to go. I was good at numbers and solving problems quickly. Well, I don’t want to brag, but I was actually the best in my class. So I had no choice but to take part in every Math competition there was, and attend a Math club.

At first I thought I was going to die because of boredom every Wednesday for the first few weeks. But then I got to know Steve and James. They were also in the club, I just didn't notice them for the first few times. But both weren’t as good as I was. So I always sat by them to help with answers, more Steve than James. James was quite a smart guy, really, they both were. But Steve often got tired of calculating and counting, and had a tendency of whining a bit. But it was alright, and totally understandable. Math and sitting in a classroom while there's sun outside could be exhausting to anyone. Sometimes James teased him about whining.

Steve wasn’t as talkative as James was. He was the youngest out of the three of us. He often shushed us when we were talking, being the goody-two-shoes. James and I would exchange slight smiles and turn back to work. It was silly, we were. Just kids in a Maths club.

The boys were both empathic and polite and understanding. I hadn’t met anyone like them before and I doubt I will ever, even after knowing and losing them.

Steve, James and I would further participate in competitions together and always compare our answers. When one of us (mostly me) got a better place in the competition, we wouldn’t have an argument about it. That was only Math, not life or death. Only one time, when Steve got first place in the state, James and I were quite taken aback by it. Very surprised that he had outed us both.

“That can’t be!” Fifteen-year-old James exclaims, his eyes wide and eyebrows raised. “Steve is in the first place!” He turns to me with the biggest smile on his face. I smile back and make sure it’s true what he’s saying, looking at the paper on the wall with squinted eyes. Truly, the huge list of competitors is topped by Steve’s name and his school. I am truly amazed. 

“He doesn’t know yet, does he?” I ask James. I think about how happy Steve will be when he finds he's in the first place. I can't wait to see him smile.

“No, but he’s about to find out.” He replies. “There he comes.” He states, turning around and I do, as well, so we could greet our friend. 

“Hey, Steve!” I say to the thin, small frame walking towards James and I. He smiles at us and hangs his head low, as he always does. 

“So, who’s the winner this time?” Steve asks, stopping in front of us. I know this will be great new for him. His mother had died of pneumonia a few months before, which brought him down heavily. James and I smile at him after looking at each other and then he puts his hand firmly on Steve’s shoulder, grasping it. Looks like he could crush his shoulder with just a hand from how frail Steve was. All of our stares turn to the list of competitors and then mine and James’ eyes watch Steve’s face.

An expression of shock and disbelief comes across our friend’s face. Then his hands cover his mouth, but I can see the corners of his mouth raising up in a wide smile. I hadn’t seen him smile that wide until then.

“It’s you, buddy.” James says.

Needless to say, Steve was as happy as I’d ever wish to see him. Winning the state Math competition was a stepping off point. His math teacher and the math club teacher made a celebration for Steve winning in the competition. 

His grades got higher, he got a little happier with himself and he got more talkative with us. Characteristic development, I might say. I miss those days very much, it was profound watching him change. You'd think - how strange that he could be changed by only a school competition. 

Wednesdays were my favourite days for a long time. Now I don't think I really have a favourite day. They all have mixed together for me. There isn't really day after day now, it's week after week.

Only if my friends were back here with me, by my side, then all days would be my favourite ones. Any could be my favourite, I'm sure we could make even Mondays lovable and enjoyable, if I only had Steve or James, or both of them.

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If you’d like to be tagged, please let me know!

It may feel like fillers now, but I promise there are going to be real chapters soon :)

[katymacsupernatural]

Stories to Awaken Terror Part 1: Bloody Bones

Dean Winchester x Reader

1500 Words

Story Summary: As a couple of kids read a scary book, Sam, Dean and Y/N live those scary tales. Will they be able to figure out what’s causing the hunts before it’s too late?

Warnings: Creepy monster?? Taken from an old version of the Boogeyman

“The boogeyman?” You questioned breathlessly. “I just thought he was a childhood nightmare, not something real!”

Sam glanced quickly your way, as the two of you continued to back up the darkened stairs, your heart beating in time with each loud footstep following you. “Seriously Y/N? In this line of work you still thought something could be fake?”

“Do you guys have to talk about this now?” Dean muttered on the other side of the door, the door your backs were currently up against. “How about a little help on that side Sammy?”

Sam turned around to help unlock the door, while you kept your flashlight pointed straight ahead, watching as it bobbed up and down with the shaking of your hand.

Down below you, two red eyes peered out of the darkness, out of the reach of the beam of your flashlight. You swore you heard teeth gnashing together, as each wooden step creaked with the monster’s boney footsteps.

“I’m on the first step,” the monster voice, cackling and high giggled from below you, more terrifying than you would have ever thought. “You naughty children, I’m coming for you.”

“Sam,” you whispered, turning to your best friend, hoping that by now the door would be open and you could tumble into Dean’s waiting arms.

“Y/N, this door is magically sealed. We can’t get out, Dean can’t get in,” he muttered the words you hated to hear.

“Sam, what are we going to do? There’s only one way out and it’s that door. If we go down below, we’re lunch for bloody bones,” you cried, as loud pounding came from the other side.

“Damn it guys, I can’t get it open!! I’ll figure something out, you just need to hold on!” Dean yelled.

“I’m on the second step,” Bloody bones, otherwise known as the boogeyman teased you, his boney fingers creeping into the beam of your flashlight. Blood dripped from each bone, and you couldn’t control the gag that escaped your lips.

“What are we going to do?” You whispered, pressed against the door, Sam at your side. You could still hear Dean scrambling about the other side, and you wanted him by your side.

“You naughty children,” Bloody bones continued to cackle. “You’ve been so bad, coming in here and ruining my hunting chances.”

“Shut up!” You screamed at the monster. “You’ve been killing innocent children. You need to be taken care of!”

“Those children deserved it,” Bloody Bones muttered, another step closer, his face coming into view. His eyes were huge, blank as they stared up at you. His face was nothing more than a skull, muscle and tissue hanging grotesquely off, blood turning the skull a shiny red. It was one of the most disgusting things you had ever seen, and you had seen a lot.

Sam raised his gun, pulling the trigger, and shooting Bloody Bones square in the forehead. The monster acted as if nothing had happened, taking another step. “I’m on the fifth step,” it taunted, opening its mouth and showing it’s sharp teeth.

“Damn it,” Sam muttered, before Dean yelled through the door. “I’m going for help! Don't’ get eaten!”

As his side of the door turned to silence, you turned back, screaming when you noticed Bloody Bones was only a step away from you now, his bloody hand reaching out to you.

Sam stepped in front of you, attempting to push the monster down the stairs, but it was surprisingly strong, picking Sam up as if it weighed nothing. “You will be punished,” it told Sam before tossing him behind him.

Screaming for Sam as he tumbled down the stairs, you raised your gun, firing off another shot, although it did no good.

Searching for anything to beat the monster with, you screamed in terror as it lifted you up by the neck, his eyes a void as it stared at you, your fight faltering as your lungs ached for air. “You will be punished,” it promised you before you knew no more.

“What happened to the girl?” His sister, Sophia asked, clutching her pillow tight to her chest. “I don’t want her to die!”

“Hey, what about the guy?” His best friend Tyler asked, trying to stay calm even though his face was pale. “Dude that monster is creepy!”

Zach was trying to stay brave, trying to show his friend and kid sister that there was nothing to be afraid of. After all, it was just a stupid book, and a fake scary story. “Guys it’s just a story.”

“But where did you even find that book?” His sister asked.

“At this yard sale,” he muttered. “Listen Sophia, if this is too scary, why don’t you crawl back to the house and sleep with Mom and Dad.”

“No, I want to stay here,” she whispered.

“But hey Zach. Doesn’t this seem like a weird book?” Tyler asked him. Zach stared down at the book, having to agree with his friend. It was an old book, with no date written inside. Words had been written on the cover page, words that were in a different language. Symbols were drawn throughout, one or two written in a dark red ink. It had sat on the table, buried under other books, but it called to him. He had pleaded with his mother for the money, holding the book tight to him when it became his. That had been over a month ago, and with each passing story, Zach found himself getting more and more obsessed with the book. It was torture waiting for the weekly sleepover, and often times he found himself bringing it to bed with him, cuddling the book to his chest.

“Let’s continue,” he insisted, opening the book back to his bookmark, his heart already accelerating, wanting to know what was going to happen next.

Your mouth dry like it was full of cotton, your throat sore, you came to suddenly, thrashing about on the floor. Your mouth was covered with a dirty thread of fabric, and you didn’t even want to imagine where it had been before. “Sam?” You mumbled, making no sense through the fabric.

Training your eyes to see in the dark, you noticed Sam hanging from his arms in the corner, his shirt ripped open, Bloody Bones dancing around him in glee.

“You’re tougher and leaner than my usual children, but you’ll do nicely, yes you will,” it kept muttering over and over, reaching out and running it’s hand along Sam’s chest. Sam tried to pull away, but he was weak, and could only groan as the monster’s claws cut into his skin.

“Leave him alone!” You screamed, turning those creepy, lifeless eyes your way.

“Ooh, the naughty girl is awake. I’ll save her for later,” he muttered to himself. “Maybe as a stew.”

“You’ll leave her alone!” Dean yelled from the top of the stairs, but with the way you were laying you couldn’t see him.

“Dean?” You called out, trying to fight your bindings as Bloody Bone’s ran his claws against Sam’s arm as if he hadn’t heard Dean at all.

“This arm will do nicely,” he mumbled, his tongue darting out to lick at his absent lips. “I’m so hungry. Those three children weren’t enough.”

“I warned you,” Dean spoke low, holding his flame launcher low, ready to take out the monster as soon as it stepped away from his brother. Bloody Bones took a step towards Dean, his teeth bared, and Dean took that at his opportunity, lighting the monster on fire.

It’s screams hurt your ears, and if your arms had been free you would have covered them. You could only watch as the Monster turned into a pile of ash, and it was only then that Dean stopped, panting heavily.

“Are you two okay?” Dean asked, glancing at his brother before coming over to help you. Undoing the rope, he gently picked you up, holding you steady as he stared down at you.

“I’m okay, but Sam took the biggest beating,” you told Dean, who kept you close to his side.

“I was so worried,” Dean spoke softly, surprising you when he he cupped your cheek. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine,” you insisted, pushing him away so he could go help his brother, even though you liked being held close to him.

As Dean helped his brother up the stairs, you followed behind, wondering how this hunt had even happened in the first place. Boogeyman, or Bloody Bones as he had been called, wasn’t supposed to exist. Only in nightmares to scare young children, and yet you had been literally shoved into this small town, right into the case about small children disappearing. It felt wrong, and for a moment you wondered if Gabriel was back, tricking you with these weird hunts. What other explanation could there be?

Dean Tags: @acreativelydifferentlove @a-girl-who-loves-disney @akshi8278 @anokhi07 @aubreystilinski @bebravekeeponfighting @colette2537 @crusadedean @deanwinchesters-impala67 @haelyn @horsegirly99 @ikeneasul11 @its-not-a-tulpa @just-another-winchester @librarygeekery @msimpala67 @lenaabs @love-charmer-sketch @ria132love @ruprecht0420 @shadowhunter7 @sizzlingbearpolice @sleep-silent-angel @sortaathief @superseejay721517 @thesaneone @torn-and-frayed @wonderfulworldofwinchester

Stories To Awaken Terror Tags: @joseyrw @suckystoryteller @salt-n-burn-em-all @wingedcatninja @waywardbaby @waywardnerd67 @horsegirly99 @profoundly-bitchy-collection @jae-sch @sociopathtime @depressed-moose-78 @sophiebobzz @oreosatmidnight @librarygeekery @winchesterxtwo @asirammm @itsmerighthere @squirrelnotsam @esoltis280 @karmamariejoy @brindz30 @linki-locks11 @xthelittlethings @incredibly-sarcastic-url @alwayskeepfightingkaz-2y5 @imascio08

Forever Tags: @16wiishes @4401lnc @amanda-teaches @andreaaalove @angelsandwinchesters @anspgene @artisticpoet @atc74 @be-amaziing @bemyqueenofdarkness @bohowitch @bumber-car-s @brooke-supernatural16  @brunettechick @camelotandastronauts @captainradicalpassion @chelsea072498 @clairese1980 @captainemwinchester @createdbybadappreciation @darthdeziewok @destiels-new-girl @donnaintx @dont-you-dare-say-misha @dslocum89 @duckieburns @docharleythegeekqueen @emmazach @emilicious-7 @emoryhemsworth @ericaprice2008  @essie1876 @generalgoldfishldrm @goldenolaf25 @growningupgeek @herbologystudent252 @hms-fangirl @hobby27 @ichooseeternalplaces @imboredsueme @internationalmusicteacher @ithinkimadorable-67 @iwriteaboutdean  @jayankles @jbbarnesgirl @jensen-gal @just-another-busy-fangirl @karlee-fay-my-wayward-son @keelzy2 @leanbeankeane @li-ssu @littleblue5mcdork  @lowlyapprentice @luciferslucille @maui137 @mellowlandrunaway @mogaruke @my-squirrel-and-moose @nanie5 @newtospnfandom @offbeatsilhouette @percussiongirl2017​ @pilaxia @pizzarollpatrol @plaid-lover-bay25​ @ronja-uebrick @rosegoldquintis​ @roxyspearing​ @samaxraph99 @samanddeanmyheroes @sandlee44 @shamelesslydean @sillesworldofwriting @sgarrett49 @skyewardolicitycloisdelena91 @smoothdogsgirl @spnbaby-67 @spn-dean-and-sam-winchester @spnwoman @sunskittlex @superbadassnatural @tardis-full-of-fallen-angels @teamfreewill92 @thebikiniinspector @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @tmccarney @totallovelesson @tunadean @vvinch3st3r @whimsicalrobots @wildlandfox @winchesterbrothers-inc @winchesterxtwo @winchester-writes @worldwidehansum @zombiewerewolfqueen

[nerdylittleshit]

Thoughts about Spn 13x12

SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!

Great Episode. Many things to love. And also very meta-ish? Like, there were several moments where I looked at my screen and just thought “I see what you did there”. Definitely lot of things worth a second look, discussion and speculation. So, without further rambling, let’s get to it.

There is no I in Team

Especially if there is no team to begin with. I bet these are the moments where Cas admitted to himself that Crowley wasn’t that bad after all. I love that Cas didn’t even consider for a single moment to work together with Lucifer, that he only used him to break out (and only after he learned that Mary was in danger) and stabbed him at the first opportunity he got. Also, apparently Cas’s new superpower is to sit and wait and annoy everyone around him long enough until he gets where he wants to (I mean this worked for me as a teenager as well).

What this episode proved is that Lucifer without his power is a useless character. His one defining characteristic is that he is one of the most powerful and therefore dangerous beings, who just looks down on everyone. Take his power away there is not much left besides a man who hates everyone, and that is just pathetic. And to contrast this, we have Cas, who is a fully flashed character, who is above all things kind, and loyal and devoted. What is so special about Cas is not his powers or the fact that he is an angel, but who he is, as a person. Lucifer is not a person. And to further contrast this Cas tells him about Jack, about the things he likes, about the good in him. He never mentions Jack’s powers, the only thing he has in common with his father. Only time will tell how Jack will react to his father however. Still, all Lucifer talked about was the absence of his powers and the only time Cas talked for a longer time it was about Jack, the person, not the Nephilim.

I have seen a few complains about the Casmodeus-plot or rather people feeling like it had no use, now that Cas is free and will be reunited with the brothers. I have to admit I wasn’t invested in the Casmodeus-plot and had no real desire to see him further interacting with Sam and Dean. We already had this storyline with Casifer. If anything it is about time they set up a safe-word to make sure Cas is really Cas in the future. I think the purpose of Casmodeus was to explain Cas’s absence and at the same time to find a reason why Sam and Dean are not worried about him. It is possible though Yockey simply thought it was a stupid idea to begin with. I mean Lucifer says that shapeshifting wasn’t one of the powers he gave to Asmodeus, which might be Yockey’s way of saying it was entirely Bucklemming’s idea. And really, they could have explained Cas’s absence with him actually looking for Jack. The random demon says they have plans for Cas however, so there might be a reason why he had to be Asmodeus’s prisoner. I also thought that it was odd that Sam and Dean hadn’t filled in Cas at this point. Why wouldn’t they tell Cas that Jack is missing, especially when Cas(modeus) called every day and asked about him?

There were also a few shout-outs to the audience: Cas being called a pretty boy, Lucifer bringing up the nurture vs nature debate and Cas saying that Jack looks nothing like Lucifer (because he looks like Cas).

The queen is dead, long live the queen

Y’ALL, ROWENA IS BACK! I know I said that before, but ever since her storyline is no longer tied to Crowley’s she has become such an interesting, layered, complex character. She has been around for such a long time and every time we see her we learn a bit more about her, but there is still so much left to explore.

Speaking of Crowley though, Rowena of course greets the Winchesters the same way her son did (“Hello boys”), which might mean she is gonna replace his role in the narrative. And to be honest she is the only character that I would allow to do that. Also, we finally see someone mourn Crowley. For all the hate between Rowena and her son, I always doubted they actually wanted to see each other dead, even though they tried to kill each other. Crowley was the only link left to Rowena’s past, to the woman she was before she became a witch, to her humanity. She doesn’t care that he died as a hero, because it means he is still dead, still not with her, because the only way she can love is in a selfish way. (I wonder if she tries to bring him back from the dead?)

The biggest emotional depth about this episode was that it acknowledged Rowena’s abuse at the hands off Lucifer and with that Sam’s shared trauma as well. Which was such a huge thing, and honestly the conversation between Sam and Rowena in the car was the best part of the episode for me. 11x10 was the turning point in Rowena’s story, because it was back then when she revealed to Crowley why she hated him, because her son was a constant reminder of his father using her and that love was nothing more than a weakness. And then moments later Lucifer killed her and I remember how angry I was after the episode because just as Rowena’s was revealed as a victim of abuse she died of the hands of yet another abuser. And not only once, but twice, admitting that Lucifer showed her his true face. Rowena is scared and she is scared all the time, which is paralyzing for someone as powerful and powerhungry as her. She believes the only way to end this fear is to kill Lucifer, once and for all.

Sam of course can relate. He has seen Lucifer’s real face as well, which creates a certain kind of intimacy between these two. And just as Rowena Sam can’t outrun his abuser. After his time in hell Lucifer first returned as Hallucifer in season 7 and later from the cage wearing one of his best friends and invading his home in season 11 (and next week he will learn that Lucifer is back once again). And yet Sam knows that nothing they will do to Lucifer will make the fear and the feeling of being helpless ever disappear. And despite Sam caring around this trauma for eight years, I don’t remember it has ever been addressed so directly. In the end Sam gives Rowena the page to unlock her power nevertheless, hoping she (and maybe he as well) will find some peace with it (also glad they didn’t keep that a secret for too long).  

So what does that mean for the future? For one thing I am sure Lucifer has to die. Either through Rowena or Rowena and Sam together or Lucifer sacrifices himself as part of a redemption arc. Honestly though, after this episode and the painful reminder who Lucifer truly is I doubt he will get a redemption arc (another “no, thank you” from Yockey to Bucklemming?). Also, we learned that all this time Rowena wasn’t even operating on full power. With Rowena having all her magic back she could become the real big bad in the end. Though I would rather have it if after she kills Lucifer she realizes that all that power doesn’t bring her happiness and lets her magic go and becomes human again.  Also, that whole scene where she gets her powers back? Kudos to both Ruth and Amanda Tapping. That was such a huge powerful feminist scene. And were her eyes blue in the end or purple? Her magic has always been purple, so that would make sense, and so far we have only seen blue eyes with angels. Hmmm.

Sibling mirrors

Say what you want about Jamie and Jennie but I really liked their clothes/style. Anyway, they were meant as one big dark mirror for the Winchesters, trying to bring back their dead mother, and willing to kill everyone around them for it (at least flower guy died smiling). This is the same as Sam releasing the Darkness in order to save Dean from the MoC or Dean threating Kaia in order to save Mary. None of these things have been portrayed as positive however and in the end the sisters kill each other, which is enough of a statement for the brother’s codepency.

So, let’s talk about the love spell a bit, because Yockey did manage to sneak in a lot of Destiel stuff. First they mention that a true love’s kiss can wake you up, and obviously fandom has been giddy about the idea of Cas saving Dean from the spell through a kiss. Then we have Dean coming back, telling Sam it is time to call Cas, and the very next thing he says is that he is in love. Ahem. Dean wants Jaime to move in, because this is big time, and well who already has a room in the bunker? Cas of course. Dean calls Jaime his soulmate and talks about cosmic fate, both terms that have been used in a million fan fiction. Dean acting under a love spell is basically how most people imagine Dean to act once Destiel finally becomes canon. And isn’t it great that the only time we see Dean kissing a women this season is through a love spell, resulting in literary false love? Like the only way Dean is even remotely interested in anyway is through a spell. Because he is of course already in love. Also bless Rowena for asking about the fifth base (I had to look this up though, poor sheltered girl that I am).

So let’s talk a moment about Sam. I love that they continue to address his depression, that they have finally fully acknowledged his trauma caused by Lucifer and him opening up to Dean. For as much as the first half the season focussed on Dean’s grief I hope we get the same attention for Sam now. Despite being around for 12,5 years Sam at times still feels like a blank page and in some ways to fault is with the writers who seem to focus more on Dean than Sam. So, I’m all in for more of Sam’s struggle. Here he admits that his way of coping was to come up with a plan: helping Jack and through that being able to save Mary. Now both Jack and Mary are gone, there is no plan B and the MoL library is as useless as usual (seriously the only helpful book in there is the Grimoire and seeing that AU!Kevin used a spell to open the rift I wonder of Rowena could help them saving Mary and Jack). Without his plan Sam has nothing left to distract him, to shield him from the pain he is going through. Sam looked at a horrible situation and tried to make the best out of it, looking at the options he still had. Dean mourned different; he was in no state to even begin to hope or to form a plan. Dean drowned in his pain until Cas come back, until he had his win, and only after he was able to function again. Sam however had ignored said pain until Jack was gone as well, and now it is crushing him. Obviously I want Sam to get better as well, but for now I love that the show explores his emotional journey and I hope we see a bit more of it in the upcoming episodes.

Until next week, when my review will look like this: DANNEEL! DANNEEL! DANNEEL!!!!!

[destielfanfic]

I’m Your Huckleberry

"He really likes cowboys!” “Yes, he does.” 

And so do we! Whether set in the Old West or on a contemporary ranch, there is just something about our boys, and cowboy boots that just gets the heart racing. Ya know what they say, Save a Horse... 

Be sure to also check out our western au tag and our first  Western Destiel rec list as well as our Wild West and Cowboy asks. Most links go to our reviews or submitted rec posts. Newly added fics are marked with asterisk *

I. Contemporary Westerns/Ranch

Blackstrap Molasses by Neonbat [NC-17, 40,000 word count]

Castiel has come back to his small Kansas hometown to work as a veterinarian while he aids in the care of his smallest siblings. An influx of new patients has him a little busy, but when he finds himself making home calls to an old acquaintance from High school his life takes a turn. Dean pulls him into his orbit, and the two must deal with the perceptions of hometown life, bigotry, and self-sabotage if they want a shot at things together.

Broomstick Cowboy by jupiter_james [NC-17, 18,000 word count]

Dean Winchester is one of the finest circuit riders of his generation, right after his legendary father. He's got the life he loves, with the exception of one thing - one person: his biggest sponsor, Castiel Milton. Despite being a ranch owner, Milton is only interested in one thing, and that's making money, even at the expense of animals past their prime. At least, that's what Dean's animosity has been lead to believe. However, coming face to face with his misunderstanding makes him reevaluate a lot of things, including his feelings for Castiel.

Fire N Ice by WincestersRaven [NC-17, 71,700 word count]

Dean and Jimmy Novak met a year and a half ago and they’ve been dating for eight months. When he meets Castiel Novak, Jimmy’s identical twin, Dean’s shocked to say the least. Jimmy never mentioned having a brother, let alone a twin brother. The more he gets to know Cas, the more he finds himself falling hard for the man who has his boyfriend’s face, but is different in so many ways. Author’s note: Dean doesn’t cheat in this fic. There is no three-way with Dean and the twins.

Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy by palominopup (submitted rec) [NC-17, 67,300 word count]

Sam and Dean Winchester are owners of Winchester Farms, a large Quarter Horse ranch.  Sam loans their bunkhouse to a writer so he can get some privacy to finish his latest book.

Texas State of Mind by palominopup [NC-17, 69,800 word count]

Dean Winchester was once an award winning country music star, but fame came too early. Now, he’s fifteen years sober and owns a ranch in western Texas. He’s happy with his life. He has horses, a nice herd of cattle and so what, if he’s alone. He tells his friends that he’s happily single. Back when he was touring, men and women threw themselves at him – but he knew they only wanted him for his fame. Cas Novak just won his fifth CMA award. He loves singing, but the touring was getting old. Living in a bus nine months out of the year was slowly destroying his creativity. He hasn’t written anything new in over a year. Then he hears an old song on the radio. He vaguely remembers the handsome singer and wondered whatever happened to him. Before he knew it, he’d written a new song. The only problem was…it was a duet. A duet that could only be sung with a voice like Winchester’s.After locating the man’s ranch, Cas makes a surprise visit. Will he be able to talk Dean into joining him on stage after all these years? Will the two men find what they’ve been looking for all their lives – someone to share a future with?

II. Historical fics set in the Old West

A Road For Home by hymnaries (submitted rec) [NC-17, 17,880 word count]

It’s been six years since Sheriff Castiel Milton last saw Dean Winchester, three since he left his life in Massachusetts behind for a lonely outpost in New Mexico Territory. In this self-imposed exile, he’s at last begun to separate himself from the man he used to be. But after a tragic event causes Dean to reach out to him once more, Castiel not only finds himself confronted with the past he so desperately tried to forget, but also with a newly grown-up Dean who has not so easily buried the feelings that propelled their unconventional relationship into uncharted territory those many years ago. Against the backdrop of the Reconstruction Era West, the two men revisit the events that led to their separation and tentatively explore the possibility of a future together.

Down by the Water by Cas_Wings (submitted rec) [NC-17, 88,400 word count]

When Castiel loses everything dear to him due to a botched river crossing, including his supplies, livestock, covered wagon, and even his wife, he has no where to turn, no way to survive stranded in the middle of his journey. That is, until he meets Dean Winchester, who offers him a life saving deal: In exchange for help on his farm, Dean offers to provide much needed room and board. But how will this decision affect Castiel as he moves through his grief, and discovers feelings he never would have expected? Fighting with injury, pain, grief, and even the threat of death, Dean and Castiel find themselves in the one place they would have never expected: down by the water, struggling to accept their unforeseen love. ((Set in 1853. AU.))

Eldorado Canyon by TerenceFletcher [T, 92,800 word count]

Sam and Dean Winchester are hunters. Finding new supernatural cases, solving mysteries, helping innocents to survive—things most ordinary people can barely even imagine—are all part of their daily routine. Life is sometimes easy, sometimes tough, but almost always dangerous. When they get their new appointment in Nevada, they hit the road without thinking twice. The only thing is—it’s the fall of 1861, the Civil War has been ongoing for several months, and the enemy is nearly invincible. In a world without cell phones and cars, the only gear the Winchesters have is their black stagecoach and precious Colt gun. And a weird local preacher who is trying to help them. A DCBB 2017 fic

Hope on Fire by Ltleflrt (submitted rec) [M/light NC-17, 32,600 word count]

The Civil War ended, but left Castiel weighted down with guilt and shame. In an attempt to start over, he moves West, building a life for himself outside the small mountain town of Purgatory. Five years later a storm blows in, bringing the Winchester brothers and bitter memories along with it. A DCBB 2014 fic

Hunter's Caress by Ltleflrt  [NC-17, 161,100 word count]

Castiel Jameson won't rest until the outlaw who murdered his brother faces justice, and Dean Winchester is the only man alive who can help him track the villain down. Some say Winchester is a cold-blooded killer himself; others say he'd been wronged his whole life. All Castiel knows is that the desire glinting in Dean's green eyes is even more dangerous than he is. Castiel fights to keep his mind on business, but during the long nights on the trail with the dangerously handsome hunter he finds himself dreaming of yielding to Dean's illicit kisses and losing himself in lawless passion. Dean Winchester is about to hang when Castiel saves his neck with his crazy plan. But dying might be better than spending day and night playing nursemaid to such an infuriating city slicker. He appreciates the stubborn detective's desire for justice, but he'd appreciate Cas a lot more if he'd stop being a lawman long enough to just be a man. He certainly has all the right equipment. Dean aches to run his fingers through Castiel's dark hair, yearns to know how Castiel's golden skin will feel against him. And before the coming of the next dawn, Dean vows to teach him the pleasures and sweet rewards of a Hunter's Caress.

Lost to the Flames by jinxedambitions (submitted rec) [NC-17, 29,700 word count]

Castiel was happy running a mission for omegas where they could live in peace and have power over their lives. When a group of alphas come asking to buy the land, so they can use it for mining, Castiel sends them away. However, they come back and burn the mission to the ground leaving Castiel a broken man. Sam and Dean are sent after an outlaw leaving a string of dead alphas across the western territories. They track him for months before they realize the outlaw is an omega hunting sadistic alphas. Sam and Dean must decide whether they agree with Castiel’s mission, whether they should bring him to justice, and whether Dean’s found a kindred spirit in the outlaw.

Mail Order Familiar by Amethystaris, BlueMasquerade  [M, 62,000 word count] (previously recced here) *

Dean Winchester was a Familiar meant for the wide-open spaces of the frontier. An ad in the paper combined with increasing pressure from his grandfather to sign a contract with a Witch of Samuel’s choice was just the motivation Dean needed to leave the big city behind. What he expects to find is a year of hard work and rough living cleansing the land of magics that corrupted it centuries ago. What he doesn’t expect is that the Witch waiting for him just might be exactly what he has been looking for his whole life. Castiel Angelus is cautiously optimistic that the Familiar he’s agreeing to work with, sight unseen, will be a good fit for his power. He’s chosen to work on the frontier in order to escape his demanding family and their unceasing ambitions. He finds that Dean’s compatibility is beyond his wildest dream. Their bonds, both magical and personal, will be tested to the limits as they encounter the source of the corruption and seek to defeat it, before it’s too late.

Plain and Tall by destielpasta and mtothedestiel [NC-17, 69,900 word count]

Dean is a Kansas farmer who only wants to work his land and care for his infant daughter. With his wife gone and his brother moving on to a life beyond the homestead, Dean finds himself in need of another pair of hands. Castiel, a lonely drifter freshly arrived in town, may prove the solution to Dean’s troubles. Over the course of four seasons, the two men face the everyday challenges of prairie life, and learn to overcome the betrayals of their past to discover a new definition of family. A DCBB 2016 fic

The Right Side of the Law by elizaye [NC-17, 2,000 word count]

We stand here today, September 14th, 1861, to execute heavenly justice upon Castiel—on Castiel for the crimes of murder, fraud, impersonation of a priest, theft, desertion, and public indecency.

The Shawnee Trail by emmbrancsxx0 [NR, 166,000 word count] *

In 1887, Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak lead a peaceful life in Lawrence, Kansas. Dean and Sam are stagecoach messengers for Wells, Fargo and Castiel is the town doctor. When Castiel's patient, Kelly Kline, knocks on their door one night about to give birth, she asks for the Winchesters and Castiel's help in protecting her son against one of the west's most notorious outlaws. To fulfill that promise, the men set out on a journey full of shootouts, trouble with the law, gambling, and an important discovery: Dean and Castiel really need to define the nature of their relationship.

Vagabonds by amarillogrande [Nc-17, 87,000 word count]

Dean is a sheriff in a tiny town in Colorado, restless and unsatisfied with his life. It's not what he's read about in the dime novels since he was little, capturing dangerous outlaws and being the last word of the law. More like tossing the town drunk in a cell to sober up when he gets a little too rowdy. But his chance comes when a thief rolls through their town. Dean pursues the thief, and that puts him right into the path of Emmanuel, a notorious outlaw. When he's captured by the outlaw and his gang to be held for ransom, he starts off on a journey he could have never envisioned, and learns that perhaps there's more to Emmanuel than meets the eye.

We Dig In Our Heels, As Hard As We Can by AlreadyPainfullyGone (submitted rec) [NC-17, 11,000 word count]

Castiel is a union surgeon fresh from the civil war, Dean is a confederate soldier working as a prostitute in a dangerous town. 

If you enjoyed the fic, please drop by the archive (AO3) and let the author know with your comments and/or kudos! And if you found our recs useful, let us know by Liking and/or Reblogging our posts! 

[majiksart]

The ultimate OTP Advent Calendar

This is an advent calendar for the OTP’s of me and my friends. Odd numbers are Marvel OTP’s and even numbers are for other OTP’s. So everyday you’ll get a drawing and a story, that you can find below :) x

Day 01 - Stony Day 02 - Drarry Day 03 - Winterwidow Day 04 - Superbat Day 05 - Les Hawkeyes Day 06 - Destiel Day 07 - Clintasha Day 08 - Johnlock Day 09 - Frostiron Day 10 - The Impossibles Day 11 - Science Bro’s Day 12 - Merthur Day 13 - Ironhusbands Day 14 - Turrow Day 15 - Ironwidow Day 16 - Sheriarty Day 17 - Winteriron

Day 17 - Winteriron 

Tony is nervous. No nervous is the wrong word. He is literally dying here of anxiety.

Since the avengers found each other again, they spend every Christmas together. This is the fifth year in a row. Tony loves those christmases with his team. It’s everything he ever wanted. There is lots of food and presents, but there is also so much love.

„Sergeant Barnes is here.“ Jarvis announces and Tony tries to calm his fast beating heart. He could do this. Easy peasy right?

„Let him in.“ Tony whispers and he goes over to his big living room window. He looks down at New York and smiles. He feels good lately and most of that is because of one person.

„Tony? You wanted to see me? We actually wanted to start opening the presents.“ Bucky says, when he enters the room. Tony doesn’t turn around to him. He just takes a deep breath.

„Yeah that’s why I told you to find me. I actually… have a present for you.“ Tony says and he fidgets nervously with his hands. God he can’t do this. Why did he thought this was a good idea?

„For me?“ Bucky asks surprised and Tony has to smile again. Bucky still believes he doesn’t deserve anything. Tony hates that he feels like that, because Bucky deserves anything. Bucky deserves so much more than him.

„Of course. I got you one every year, right?“ Tony asks back and Bucky chuckles at that. It’s a deep sound and Tony falls in love a bit more every time he hears it.

„You did.“ Bucky says and Tony can hear how he smiles. The last presents he got Bucky were… shit. Tony hated every single one, but he didn’t really know what to get him. The first Christmas he spend over 2 months on Bucky’s arm. The Christmas after that he got Bucky new kitchenware and then last year he got him a guitar…

He doesn’t know either. But Bucky said he loved every present and he was always smiling so sweet, when Tony gifted him something. And after the Bunny accident with Pepper, Tony knows how bad he is with presents.

„And you still pretend you like them.“ Tony laughs husky and shakes his head.

„I don’t pretend it. I like them. Of course I like them. You made those presents, Tony. I love them.“ Bucky says quietly this time and Tony’s chest feels a bit funny.

Bucky always says sweet things like that. Sometimes Tony thinks they are actually flirting, but he is never really sure. They are both pretty horrible at that. Normally Tony can flirt easily with anyone, but with Bucky he doesn’t even get a word out.

„Okay. So this year I have a special present.“ Tony announces and he takes a deep breath. He is still facing the window, so Bucky can’t really see his face or his front. Which is good.

„Special?“ Bucky asks and he actually sounds excited. Tony nods and then turns his head to one side.

„Could you please close your eyes?“ Tony whispers and Bucky immediately closes his eyes. Tony smiles and then finally turns around. He hears the rustling, when he moves and Bucky seems to hear it as well, cause he raises his eyebrows.

„I’m nervous.“ Bucky admits and Tony stands right in front of him. He wants to enjoy this, but he is way too tense for this. He still hopes Bucky likes the present.

„Me too. James….this… this present means a lot to me and you can be…honest. If you don’t like it, then thats okay as well.“ Tony says and he trips over his own words. Bucky frowns at the words and he holds out his hand. He searches for Tony’s hand and squeezes it.

„I will love it.“ He says again and Tony watches him for a tiny moment longer. Bucky still has his beard and Tony loves it so much. He wants to kiss Bucky and feel the beard against his own skin. But Buckys hair is shorter now. He looks younger, healthier and happier then Tony has ever seen him.

But Bucky looks always beautiful.

„Okay. Count to three and open your eyes.“ Tony says and he turns around against. He presses with his back against Bucky and closes his own eyes. He is so afraid.

„3, 2, 1…“ Bucky whispers and he actually shudders, when Tony presses against him.

It’s quiet. One minute without a single word. Two…three…four…

Tony opens his eyes and he can feel his eyes burning. Oh god, why did he do this? This was such a bad idea. Tony looks over his shoulder anyway, even if that means to see Bucky’s hate in his eyes. But…

Bucky seems to be shocked. His mouth is a bit open and his eyes are widen. Tony is wearing a big ribbon, because he is the present. He gifts himself to Bucky.. if Bucky wants him.

„T-thats…“ Bucky starts, but then he just stares again. Tony blushes badly at that but he still manages too look a bit cocky at Bucky.

„So do you like it?“ Tony asks and Bucky nods so hard, that Tony is sure, he is hurting himself. Tony smiles and then turns around. Bucky moves closer and presses Tony against his chest. One of Bucky’s hand is in Tony’s hair. The other one strokes his cheek.

Bucky looks still so surprised and Tony giggles. As if the sound wakes Bucky up, he leans forward and kisses Tony hard on his lips. Tony shudders and puts his hands around Bucky’s neck. It feels amazing to kiss Bucky, because he is careful but also so passionate. Tony is sure he is only standing cause Bucky is holding him on his hips now.

„This uh… I mean the gift is not just my body…but my heart.“ Tony whispers then and Bucky groans against his lips. Tony smiles and strokes Bucky’s hair.

„I thing I have a very similar present for you.“ Bucky says then and Tony smiles widely at that.

Maybe Tony was good at making present after all.

[lucile-carter]

Sam and IT

Prompt for @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover​. Original prompt: A fic where Gabe forces Sam to watch a clown move like IT so that he can overcome his fear, and then comforts him through the night movie forgotten and just fluff. Hope this is ok! I had to add some destiel because I am destiel trash.

“Come on Sammoose, it’s just a movie.” Gabriel said with a smile. Sam adamantly shook his head, “No Gabe. I can’t. You know I can’t.”

“Yes you can,” Gabe grabbed Sam’s hand, “I even waited until it came out on DVD so that we can stop it if it gets to be too much.” Sam sighed, “You won’t stop pestering me until I agree to watch this with you will you?” Gabriel grinned, “Nope. I know you can do this Sammy, it’s just a movie. Plus Dean and Cas agreed to watch it with us.”

“Oh joy,” Sam said sarcastically, “Can we just get this over with then?” Gabriel smiled and kissed Sam on the cheek, “That’s the spirit!” Gabriel grabbed Sam’s hand and pulled him into the living room where Dean and Cas were already snuggled together on the loveseat.

“Ah Sammy, you’re actually gonna join us?” Dean teased. Cas elbowed his boyfriend causing Dean to yelp, “What was that for?”

“Be nice to your brother.” Cas chastised and smiled at Sam, “I’m glad you’re going to watch this with us Sam.” Sam half heartedly smiled back, “Yeah, can’t wait.”

Sam sat on the couch with Gabriel cuddling close to his side. Gabe grabbed the remote, “Alright let’s get this party started!” Dean chuckled, “Sam does know that we are watching the new IT movie right?”

“Yes I know what we are watching Dean.” Sam snapped at his brother. Cas elbowed Dean again, “Dude!” Cas frowned, “Be nice Dean.” Dean sighed and pulled Cas closer to his side, “Alright fine.”

“Are we done?” Gabriel quipped, “Cause I would like to watch this movie today.” He pointed glared at Dean. Dean stuck his tongue out at the archangel earning another elbow in the ribs from Cas.

“We’re ready Gabriel,” Cas said with a look thrown at Dean that made him nod in compliance. Gabriel nodded, “Good.” He then looked at Sam after he hit play, “If you need to leave the room or anything do it. I won’t think any less of you my brave moose.” Sam chuckled, “Thanks Gabe.” And gave Gabriel a kiss on the forehead. Gabriel cuddled in close to Sam’s side as the movie started.

About 5 minutes in was the first shot of the clown and Sam jumped hiding his face in his hands. Dean scoffed, then yelped as Cas elbowed him yet again. Gabriel glared at Dean then turned concerned eyes on his boyfriend, “You ok Samsquatch?” Sam nodded, “Yep, I’m good.”

“Are you gonna come out from behind your hands?” Gabe questioned. Sam shook his head, “Just tell me when the clown is gone.” Gabe nodded and kissed Sam on the cheek. They kept watching the movie and everytime the clown was on the screen Sam would hide his face.

After about the fifth time it happened Gabe sighed, “Sammich if you don’t want to watch you don’t have to, we can go do something else.” Sam shook his head, “No, I want to try. I promise I won’t cover my eyes anymore.”

The next time the clown was on screen Sam held Gabe’s hand so tight he lost feeling in his fingers. But he didn’t cover his eyes. It continued like that with Sam squeezing Gabe’s hand tightly but not covering his eyes. Until the projector scene.

In aforementioned scene the kids are looking at a map of Derry when the projector starts going through the slides. Eventually they knock the projector over but it keeps going, and the clown comes out of the screen in a giant version and start chasing the kids around the garage.

When the clown came out of the projector screen Sam screamed. Everyone had jumped because of the movie but jumped again when Sam started screaming. Gabriel paused the movie on the clown’s face which made it worse and Sam started crying.

“Hey Sammy,” Gabriel soothed, “It’s just a movie. It’s not real.” Sam continued to cry hiding his face in Gabe’s shoulder, “I-i can’t Gabe.” He sobbed, “I can’t watch this. I’m so-so-sorry.”

“Shhh Sammoose,” Gabe soothed stroking Sam’s hair, “It’s ok, we don’t have to watch it. You did so good, you made it over half way through. You were so brave.” Gabe kissed Sam’s head, “Let’s go to bed huh?”

Sam nodded and Gabriel grabbed his hand and led him down the hallway. Sam could hear Dean make a snide comment and the yelp that followed when Cas elbowed him again. Sam just followed Gabe down the hallway wiping tears off his face.

When they got to the bedroom they crawled into Sam’s bed together. Gabe lay on his back and Sam laid in Gabe’s arms, with his head on Gabe’s chest. Gabe stroked his fingers through Sam’s hair, the room enveloped in a comfortable silence.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t make it Gabe.” Sam eventually whispered. Gabe sighed, “I’m sorry I even made you watch it Sam. I just hoped it would help you to overcome your fear. That seeing the kids beat the clown in the end you would be able to overcome your own fear. So I’m the one who’s sorry Sammy.”

“It’s ok Gabe,” Sam said and cuddled closer to Gabe, “I just want to go to sleep.” Gabe smiled, “Ditto, love you Sambear.” Sam chuckled, “Love you too, ridiculous nicknamer.”

Gabe laughed and kissed Sam on the temple before they both drifted off to sleep.

Bonus Scene

“I can’t believe he started crying,” Dean said after Sam and Gabe left the living room. Cas elbowed Dean in the ribs, hard. Dean yelped and grabbed his side, “Ow! Damn Cas! Stop, i’m gonna have a bruise there tomorrow.”

“That’s what you get for being so mean to Sam.” Cas huffed, “Honestly, he doesn’t tease you like that about flying.” Dean shrugged, “I was just joking.” Cas glared, “It wasn’t funny Dean.”

“Ok, i’m sorry,” Dean apologized, “I’ll apologize to Sam tomorrow. Today I want to finish this movie with my boyfriend and then have crazy sex afterwards.” Cas groaned, “I rebelled for this.”

“You know you love me.” Dean smirked. Cas sighed, “Yes I do. Against my better judgment.” Dean scoffed and Cas leaned up and kissed the frown off his boyfriend’s lips.

“Love you Dean.” Cas said and kissed Dean again. Dean kissed him back and whispered, “I love you too, sweetheart.” Then they settled together on the loveseat to finish the movie.

[itsmajel]

Majel Reads - November 2017

[What is this?]

Supernatural - Destiel

Angel Cookies by noxsoulmate ( @noxsoulmate) *Re-Read

“On Christmas Eve, if you eat Angel Cookies right before bed and then dream of your one true love, he will be your destiny.” The Shurley clan sure believe their old family legend, but not Castiel James – not since he was a pudgy teenager, running down the church aisle on Christmas Day, trying to stop his very handsome and very straight teacher Dean Winchester from marrying someone else. He may be grown-up, well-toned, bestselling Young Adult’s book author “C. S. James” now, but Castiel will never forget that day. And he’ll never fall foolishly in love again, especially not for Dean Winchester. But when the wish for a big family Christmas from his sick father brings him back home, Castiel has to confront his past. And not only that: a letter from a little fan from his home town is weighing heavy on his conscience. Reaching out to a troubled kid might endanger his secret identity. Adding to the problem is the shock of discovering that Dean is the little girl’s father – unattached and hotter than ever. Dean’s smile still makes Castiel melt, but Castiel knows that ship has sailed. The fact that Dean seems to be on board this time, however, doesn’t make it any easier for him. .

[Explicit] [74,494 Words] [Read on AO3 here]

Once Bitten Twice Shy by noxsoulmate *Re-Read

The past can hurt, no question there. But what happens when it makes you too suspicious of the present? Dean Winchester catches cheating bastards for a living, no matter how far he has to go to do so. He’s in Heaven when his favorite bakery brand opens a store right in front of his nose because nothing helps him get through a case like a delicious piece of cherry pie. And not only does Angels’ Pie have the best pie in the world, the baker is also one hell of a handsome guy. But if he wants the man in his life, Dean knows he needs to open up about himself, his job, and most importantly the people by his side, before it’s too late. He just doesn’t know how. Castiel Novak has just run away from Chicago and for a good reason. Seeking a fresh start, he does what his family does best and opens a new Angels’ Pie bakery. His handsome new regular is certainly not helping him keep his promise never to date again. Putting his trust in this man means to open his heart again. And his heart has been broken one too many times before.

[Explicit] [ 49,848 Words] [Read on AO3 here]

Good girl. by orange_crushed

Sam drives her to a veterinarian’s office one day, in the stolen car he is now increasingly regarding as his, and she comes back sort of sulky and depressed from having been tricked into getting a series of vaccinations.

“I know the feeling,” Cas says, at floor level with her, while the puppy licks the underside of his wrist and makes sad eyes. “I was once immune to tetanus, but now I am forced to endure booster shots.” He looks over at Sam and Dean, and lowers his voice to a whisper. “They told me they were taking me to the zoo,” he says. He pets her ears. “You will learn to trust again.”

[General Audiences] [ 1,712 Words] [Read on AO3 here]

Frowning Your Way Through Love by plirio

AU. Sam’s best friend is a quiet guy called Castiel. Dean is possibly in love with him. But all the guy does is frown at Dean. It sucks.

[Teen And Up Audiences] [ 4,016 Worda] [Read on AO3 here]

Phantom by imogenbynight (@imogenbynight)

After the Mark of Cain has been purged from his arm, Dean's found family all but drag him out of the bunker for a much needed few hours of normalcy. Naturally, things don't quite go to plan.

[Explicit] [ 12,681 Words] [Read on AO3 here]

Gods in the Chrysalis by JhanaMay (@jhanamay)

Olympic hopeful Dean Winchester has always felt more at home in the water than he did on land. Pressured by his father to carry on his mother’s dream, Dean’s entire life has revolved around swimming and competing. Everything changes when he sustains a head injury in an accident at the pool and is left unable to swim. The fear of disappointing everyone in his life is heightened when he realizes his love of the water has been replaced by a strange talent for playing the piano. With the help of Castiel, the high-school dropout/weekend musician who runs a local music store, Dean learns to question everything he thought he knew about himself, his family, and his life. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the butterfly calls just the beginning.

[Explicit] [ 50,466 Words] [Read on AO3 here]

Hide and Seek by Persephoneshadow

Dean's been living on the streets and turning tricks for a while. Most of the time clients just find him. After a job goes wrong he goes looking for work and finds more than he expected with a married man of faith with blue eyes and a trench coat.

[Explicit] [ 4,971 Words] [Read on AO3 here]

The Walk by Persephoneshadow ( @ibelieveinthelittletreetopper)

Castiel tells himself it was a one time thing, even if his night with a hooker named Dean changed his whole world, but he can’t keep away from the man fate keeps throwing in his path. Castiel is married and he knows his sexuality is an affront to God and everything he’s ever been told is right.

Dean tells himself he doesn’t care about the weirdo with blue eyes, but every time they meet he gets a bit closer to something like hope. Dean’s nothing but a homeless waste of space with a brother in foster care a world away and a father in the wind.

As the connection between these two lost men deepens, it threatens the carefully maintained lies their lives are built on in a story of faith, mistakes, and the journey of love.

[Explicit] [ 190,205 Words] [Read on AO3 here]

Little Pink Houses by Persephoneshadow

Deputy Dean Winchester has seen some interesting things in his time, but dealing with a tiny house on Fergus Crowley's property might just be the strangest, especially when the snarky, kinda gorgeous protester who owns the thing answers the door buck ass naked. Dean's life might never be the same.

[Explicit] [ 15,371 Words] [Read on AO3 here]

With the Kisses of His Mouth by starsinursa

The first time they kiss, it’s not a kiss at all.

The second time they kiss, it’s because of magic.

The third time they kiss, it tastes like ash.

The fourth time they kiss, they fall into it.

The fifth time they kiss, Castiel thinks he must have died, or come close to it.

The sixth time they kiss, there is no momentous prelude.

[Teen And Up Audiences] [ 3,348 Words ] [Read on AO3 here]

Sing a Song of Sex Puns by Persephoneshadow

Summary verse: That one verse where Dean and Cas are good at talking during sex but not about the fact they're having sex.

---

Summary first story: “Come on, we’re finding you someone to…engage with sexually or whatever,” Dean explains, chancing another swig of beer before going on. “Anyone in this bar, no limits, who would you would be your top choice to bang?”“Well, you, ideally.”Dean spits out some beer before collapsing in on himself, legitimately choking this time. “Excuse me?!”

Or the one where Cas wants to have sex and Dean is there to help.

[Explicit] [ 33,298 Words] [5 Works] [Read on AO3 here]

Let It Be by Persephoneshadow

Dean Winchester's life changed forever the night a demon appeared in his brother's nursery and killed his father.

As a hunter Mary is determined to protect her sons from the evil she has run from her whole life - the same evil that took John. But Dean also trusts his protection to the angel in a trench coat he talks to in his dreams. Through years of tribulation and uncertainty, the Winchesters (plus a corgi that might be magic and an angel that may not be real) must fight monsters, demons, and even fate itself to survive as a family.

Or: The one where Mary lives, Cas is there, and nothing and everything changes.

[Mature] [ 143,254 Words] [Read on AO3 here]

I Put A Spell On You by Persephoneshadow

Dean and Castiel are still trying to figure their relationship out in the wake of another brush with death. When a curse gets loose in the bunker that sees Dean and Sam transformed and into all manner of things, from animals to each other and even conjoined, dealing with their emotions might be the only chance to save them. With a bit of help from a witch, of course.

[Explicit] [ 15,702 Words] [Read on AO3 here]

Unintended by emwebb17

Castiel is a successful defense attorney beginning to doubt the integrity of the work he does.  After winning a date with a firefighter named Dean at a charity auction, Cas decides that he needs to make a change in his life.  He just has one more case to take care of, but his involvement has devastating consequences.

[Explicit] [ 82,643 Words] [Read on AO3 here]

Highwaymen by orange_crushed

Dean closes his eyes. He is under a blanket in his memories, fabric pulled up under his chin and his face pressed near to hers on the pillow. His father is asleep, snoring slightly, hands loose and expression happy, curled around her on the other side. She's speaking in whispers. He knows that she was already pregnant then, that Sam was on his way into their lives, even though he'd had no idea what exactly that meant at the time. He can almost see her face still, warm and orange in the light of her lumos circling their heads like a firefly, but every now and then she blurs in his vision, like a lost thread of consciousness, something half-remembered.

Bit by bit, he's losing her.

[Mature] [ 66,389 Words] [Read on AO3 here]

Cursed Or Not by Ltleflrt ( @ltleflrt)

While experimenting with magic when he was a kid, Sam accidentally cursed Dean. Now, Dean is forced to wear a spelled amulet constantly, or he'll turn into a random animal. For a little over a decade, he's learned to live with the curse, and has even found it useful in some cases, but he sure would be happier without it.

When he meets a witch named Castiel, he's offered a deal. Instead of assuming all witches are bad, Dean can spend a season getting to know him. If at the end of the season, Dean still thinks he's evil Castiel will send him away with his memory wiped of the whole experience. But if he learns that Castiel is not the monster Dean assumes he is, he'll lift Dean's curse.

It's an offer Dean can't bring himself to pass up.

[Explicit] [115,223 Words] [Read on AO3 here]

Cabin Fever by Dangerousnotbroken  ( @shennanigoats )

Due to a romantic-comedy level booking blunder, grumpy stress-case Dean and reclusive writer Castiel end up shuttled off to the same remote cabin for two weeks, and nobody seems to care that neither of them wants to be there. But since they’re stuck in the same cabin for the duration of their vacation, they might as well play nice and make the best of it right?

Wrong.

Dean’s so stressed out he can’t sit still, Cas can’t boil water without setting the place on fire, and they’re so on each other’s nerves it’ll be a miracle if either of them survives until their rides home arrive.

At least the tension is just social, and not sexual, right? Right?

[Explicit] [ 35,102 Words] [Read on AO3 here]

The Boy From Next Door by all-i-need-is-destiel (Aleakim) ( @all-i-need-is-destiel )

Dean meets the boy from next door for the first time when he's ten years old.

[General Audiences] [ 3,042 Words] [Read on AO3 here]

The Ghosts of Blackthorn Hall by linoresearch

In 1843 Castiel Milton leaves his life of quiet faith and duty to take up employment as tutor to the young ward of one Mr Dean Winchester, at Blackthorn Hall. Set deep among the Yorkshire moors, Blackthorn is a place of mysteries – a wild place, where pale faces appear at the windows, and mad women laugh in the night. Castiel is drawn to the enigmatic Master of Blackthorn and they form an attachment neither of them expected. But there are secrets hidden behind Blackthorn's stone walls, truths that threaten to destroy their fragile happiness, as they are forced to confront the ghosts of their past. This is a Jane Eyre/SPN fusion AU, written for the Dean/Castiel Big Bang 2012.

If you enjoy this story there is now a short a follow up fic posted called 'A Night at Hyde Place.'

[Explicit] [ 94,657 Words] [Read on AO3 here]

A Night at Hyde Place by linoresearch                

This is a set a few months after the events of 'The Ghosts of Blackthorn Hall.' Dean has difficulty adjusting to his new life with Castiel, and London is perhaps not as much fun as he thought it might be. But then again he's always been good at making his own fun.

[Explicit] [ 6,984 Words] [Read on AO3 here]

Captain America / Marvel CMU - Stucky

No Retreat, Baby, No Surrender by tsnotbleak

"You think your old army buddy is working at Subway?”

“Of course not,” said Steve, trying to sound like he thought the idea was ludicrous. “Bucky died in 1944. I just...” He didn’t know what to say, so he slapped on his best lonely soldier face and lied. “It’s just it’s nice to pretend for a bit, you know?”

“No,” said Natasha. “It sounds deeply unhealthy, but you do you.”

In which Steve finds a man that looks a lot like Bucky making sandwiches in a Brooklyn subway. Except Bucky died seventy years ago, and this guy shows no sign of remembering Steve.

[Teen And Up Audiences] [ 39,793 ] [Read on AO3 here]

how bucky barnes won his second pulitzer by eriksxavier

It isn’t like him and Steve go out frequently. Sometimes he’ll stop by Bucky’s apartment and they’ll binge watch tv shows, or Steve will tell him stories from ‘back in the day’. They’ve only gone out in public two or three times and it was merely quick runs to get coffee, or more popcorn.

So Bucky really doesn’t understand where this Hydra asshole is coming from when he says: “The reason we took you is because we know the Captain will come running right into our trap.”

(aka: bucky is an award winning journalist who really doesn't appreciate being used as bait for a beefed up, spandex-clad super soldier.)

[General Audiences] [ 10,541 ] [Read on AO3 here]

definitely not jealous by eriksxavier

“I want him to be happy. Even if he does remember we used to be together, and just wouldn’t be happy with me anymore than… Fine. I’m fine with that”

Sam raises an eyebrow, “But…”   Defeated, Steve shrugs and continues, “But… You can’t expect me to be happy with the thought of the guy I’m in love with banging his gym-buddy.”

(bucky makes friends with a certain attorney from hell's kitchen. steve is fine)

[General Audiences] [ 6,281 ] [Read on AO3 here]

How To Embrace A Swamp Creature by littleblackfox

Steve washes his hands with the sliver of soap left by the sink, and takes a long hard look at himself in the mirror. The cut on his brow has scabbed over, and the bruises around his eye are blotchy red and sore to the touch. Stupid. His hands are no better, and he grips the edge of the sink to keep them from shaking. The scabs on his knuckles open up again, blood welling up starkly against his bone white fists. He holds them under the running faucet and watches the water circle the drain before pulling himself together. Just a little bit further, a little bit longer

[Explicit] [ 27,625 Words ] [Read on AO3 here]

Seawater by littleblackfox

He stops in front of a large glass tube; pale, translucent Jellyfish floating serenely within. “Look at these guys, Moon jellyfish. You’re an artist, tell me that’s not beautiful.” Brooklyn stares into the display, the soft blue light highlighting the cut of his cheekbones, the softness of his lips, and Bucky squeezes his hand a little harder. Brooklyn turns to him and smiles, small and crooked and painfully sweet. “Yeah, I guess they are.” Bucky can’t look away, something painful lodged in his throat. “Those horseshoe shapes on the caps are their gonads.” Oh, for fuck’s sake.

[Mature] [ 9,330 Words ] [Read on AO3 here]

Brooklyn Barnes by littleblackfox

“The fates have spoken, sir,” Natalia sounds too damned pleased. “They want you to go home. And kill some guy while you’re there.”

[Mature] [ 20,722 Words ] [Read on AO3 here]

Lovecraft in Brooklyn by littleblackfox

Bucky shrugs. “My brothers wish me dead. But I have claimed this world as mine, and should any dare approach I will slaughter them, and their progeny.” “Oh,” Steve says weakly. “Well, it’s tough coming from a large family.”

[Explicit] [ 20,562 Words ] [Read on AO3 here]

Closed Book by AggressiveWhenStartled

Bucky woke up with a headache, a mouth that tasted like something had died in it, and hands-down, swear-to-god, the most beautiful man he had ever seen asleep in his lap.

Bucky was also, he realized after a moment, strapped down to a hospital bed with about six different monitors making unsynced, equally piercing, beeps. Beyond that he couldn’t quite see—there was a hideous floral curtain pulled around the bed, and while he could just make out figures moving in the room beyond it, the pattern made his head pound even worse the longer he looked at it.

So. That was concerning.

[Explicit] [ 38,880 Words ] [Read on AO3 here]

i'd like to tell you something (but i have to think of something first) by obsessivereader ( @yetanotherobsessivereader)

Attention focused solely on the book, he moves forward, one slow, pretend-casual step at a time—he’s seen enough movies to know that moving fast will draw people’s attention.

Five feet. Four feet. Almost there.

He’s a bare three feet away when Rogers fucking materializes out of thin air, cuts right in front of him, and heads straight for the book.

“Hey,” Bucky whispers furiously, “I want that book!”

Rogers freezes. His head snaps around, and he gives Bucky a look filled with horror.

He points a finger at Rogers. “I don’t care how hot you are, or how ripped,” Bucky growls. “My assignment is due today, and I will fucking fight you for the book if I have to.”

Before Rogers can recover from his surprise, Bucky leaps forward, grabs the book, and clutches it to his chest.

[Teen And Up Audiences] [ 3,761 Words ] [Read on AO3 here]

Newton's Law Of Naps by rohkeutta

Within the first hour Steve backs an art book, a short animated film, an eco-friendly electric toothbrush, and an archeological excavation in Oklahoma.

Not that he actually wants an eco-friendly electric toothbrush or a bicycle rack that’s shaped like a moose head, but supporting small businesses is fun, and he loves the creativity Kickstarter is bursting with.

He’s got too much money just lying around, anyway.

[Teen And Up Audiences] [ 1,123 Words ] [Read on AO3 here]

Wendigo by L1av

There's something out in the woods and it's eating Steve's cows. After Steve saves a little girl's life, his world is turned upside-down when he learns about the wendigo myth, an ever-hungry beast cursed for eternity. He's convinced the creature in his woods isn't a bear, but the wendigo itself. Except people say wendigo are just myth...

Steve's going to have something to say to them after he comes face to face with the one in his woods. After he tells it to stop eating his cows.

[Mature] [ 39,029 Words ] [Read on AO3 here]

The Superhero's Courtship by captainrum                

One night Bucky finds himself caught in the middle of a dangerous attack on the city. Lucky for him, a madman on a motorcycle comes to his rescue. He offers him pie in repayment.

Minor mentions: Terrorism, Blood.

[Mature] [ 16,374 Words ] [Read on AO3 here]

Pirates of the Caribbean - Jack Sparrow/Will Turner

Collide by the_dala

A retelling of "Curse of the Black Pearl" in which young Will was taken and fostered by Barbossa's crew, while Elizabeth grew up with Jack Sparrow sneaking through her window. Eight years later, Will needs Jack's help to get back to the Black Pearl.

[Explicit] [ 28,142 Words ] [Read on AO3 here]

Last Request by the_dala

On the journey back to Port Royal, Will and Jack come to an understanding.

[Explicit] [ 1,709 Words ] [Read on AO3 here]

Sleep While I Drive by the_dala

Jack is trying to get some sleep, but Will needs a question answered first.

[Mature] [ 591 Words ] [Read on AO3 here]

Season of Peace by the_dala

Will hates Christmas and Jack is determined to change his mind.

[Teen And Up Audiences] [ 3,309 Words ] [Read on AO3 here]

Fortunate Son by the_dala

The men will think Will Turner even luckier after this, but Jack will know better.

[Teen And Up Audiences] [ 3,256 Words ] [Read on AO3 here]

Within a Mile of Home by the_dala

Bill goes wandering, and he wants to know how his son is faring.

[General Audiences] [ 947 Words ] [Read on AO3 here]

Experience by the_dala

Will asks Jack for a story about his past.

[Teen And Up Audiences] [ 2,417 Words ] [Read on AO3 here]

Closing Davy Jones' Locker by the_dala

Jack and Will find a way to say goodbye to Bootstrap. .

[Teen And Up Audiences] [ 3,610 Words ] [Read on AO3 here]

Comfort Me With Apples by the_dala

'“There are things we do for one another, at sea,” Jack explains.'

[Mature] [ 3,375 Words ] [Read on AO3 here]

Harry Potter - Sirius Black/Harry Potter, Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley

Cartographer's Craft by copperbadge ( @copperbadge) *re-read

In the summer after Harry's sixth year, Harry and Remus uncover a section of the Marauder's Map which has been hidden for the past twenty years, releasing a carbon copy of sixteen-year-old Sirius Black from its depths. As they prepare for the impending war, Sirius must find a place for himself in this new world, Harry must find a way to destroy Voldemort, and Remus must face his own past while trying to build a tenuous future with Tonks.

[Explicit ] [ 205,696 Words ] [Read on AO3 here]

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[wellimhavinga3outof10day]

Destiel mpreg prompt 1/3: Castiel is the father of Jack, works in a supermarket and is dating a man but doesn't love him. Dean is a mechanic, single and has a huge crush on Castiel. His brother Sam is Jack's football coach. Jack admires Dean and sometimes he copies him (like he did in the show 13x02). Castiel goes with some colleagues to a club, drinks too much and ends up to have a wild night with Dean.

Hey, nonnie!! Thank you SO MUCH for this prompt. I had a lot of fun writing this one and I’m really proud of the result and I never would have written it without this prompt. So thank you and I hope you like this! I even think I managed all of your requests?? Wow. This may be the most on-prompt thing I’ve ever written… Fair warning: This gets heavy and also I know nothing about football. And it’s like novel length  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Read on AO3

Cas shivered as he walked up to the football field. He had a hundred things going through his mind – like the fight with Parker and the bills that were overdue and the seventeen product-destroying disasters that had happened at the supermarket that morning – but he had promised Jack he’d show up for football practice. He had promised Jack seven times because, as Jack liked to point out, that was how many times Cas had broken promises to him in the last year. Sometimes Cas regretted keeping Jack – not because he didn’t love him, not because Kelly wouldn’t have wanted him to, but because he couldn’t give him everything he deserved.

           Cas tried to catch sight of Jack on the field from afar but with all the boys in helmets and pads it was impossible to tell which one was his son. Wrapping his arms tight around him in an effort to stay warm, Cas shuffled forward.

           Sam’s words floated back to him. “…can’t commit, then don’t.”

           There was a deep sigh. “It’s not about commitment.” Dean. Cas looked over at the sound of his voice and felt the familiar tug on his heartstrings, that little voice in his ear begging him to make it work. He tried to shut it down as Dean went on, “It’s about her. She’s cool, yeah. Definitely hot. But I’m not gonna move in with her.”

           Sam hummed noncommittally, giving away that he wasn’t listening. Then he stepped forward and yelled, “Larson! Show us some hustle!”

           Dean rolled his eyes and his gaze landed on Cas. He smiled. Cas tried to stop himself from smiling back but it was a little hard. Dean hadn’t shaved that morning and still looked rough and tired, like he’d only rolled out of bed a few hours ago. But he was wearing his coveralls, grease-splattered and too thin for the bitter September air. And his hair was standing straight up like it did when it got static-y and dry from being in the garage too long.

           “Hey, angel,” Dean said. “You come to see your boy play?”

           Cas rolled his eyes. The nickname had gotten old about two seconds after Dean had given it to him – back in fifth grade when Dean found out he was still an altar boy, despite being just a little too old for it. Cas stepped forward, keeping Sam in between them, and said, “Which one’s Jack?”

           Sam gestured vaguely down the field and then moved in the other direction, shouting, “That is NOT a proper tackle! Do you want to get injured?”

           Dean jerked his chin in the same direction Sam had waved. “Number 12,” he said. “Scrawny kid pushing back the tackle board like it weighs nothing.”

           Cas squinted to read the numbers but found Jack easily when he took a run at one of the heavily weighted dummies and pushed it 20 feet without struggling. He stepped back and raised his arms in the air, bringing in the applause and hollers of his teammates before he took a deep bow. Cas scoffed. “Moron.”.

           “Kid’s really gonna make the other team think twice when he hits them with all that.” Dean tilted his head back and guzzled down Coke from a can.

           Cas glanced his way. “Why the sobriety?”

           Dean flipped him off and then crushed the can against his thigh. “I’m going out tonight.”

           “With who?”

           Both men looked over, surprised, when Jack approached. He wiped the sweat off his face with a towel, a big smile on his face.

           Dean smiled back. “None of your business, twerp.”

           Jack frowned for a second and Cas almost reprimanded Dean for being mean to him – no matter what it looked like, Jack was still a kid. He could hold his own on the football field but he didn’t need Dean, his idol, insulting him openly. But then Jack bounced back – so fast Cas thought he might have imagined the hurt in his face – and said, “Come on. I’m just curious. Let me live vicariously.”

           “Don’t let him live vicariously,” Cas warned.

           Dean shot him a half smile and Cas’ heart skipped an involuntary beat. He tried to shut it down. Even standing this close to Dean was distracting – he was warm and smelled like sweat – but he’d spent too long waiting for Dean to settle down. He’d spent too long being the ignored best friend to give in to the subtle flirting now. Just because Parker was being a dick didn’t mean that Dean finally had come to his senses and realized what a catch Cas was. He hadn’t realized it in high school, or college, or when Cas was dating Kelly, or when Cas married Kelly, or after Kelly’s death, or in the sixteen years since. Cas was done with him, even if he did smell like he’d just had sex in a garage.

           “I’m grabbing drinks with an old friend,” Dean said. “Nothing scandalous.” He put his hands in his pockets and Jack tried to mimic the motion – even though his football pants had no pockets.

           “If it’s an old friend, you should invite my dad. He probably knows them.”

           Cas shot his son a look. He’d been through this before – he’d been through this too many times to count – and every time it came up, it filled him with annoyance and regret. Annoyance that Jack was still on this. Regret that he’d let Dean hang around so much, help out so much, that Jack thought of him as a de-facto dad and wouldn’t give up on him. Even though Cas had given up on Dean before Jack was born.

           Dean laughed. “Oh, no. Your dad and Charlie were only friends out of obligation.”

           “Charlie’s in town?” Cas said.

           Dean shot him a sideways look, his eyes sparkling. “What? Still bitter she tried to steal your wife?”

           “What?” Jack said at the same time Cas said, “At the wedding!”

           Dean laughed.

           Jack smiled nervously, like he wasn’t sure if laughing along would get him in trouble or not.

           “Have fun with Charlie,” Cas said, hoping he sounded like he meant it even if he didn’t. “I can’t come anyways. I have a work thing.”

           “A work thing,” Dean said, mockingly.

           “Yeah, a work thing,” Jack repeated, rolling his eyes.

           Cas shot his son a look. “Shouldn’t you be practicing?”

           Jack shrugged and took a swig from his water bottle. He didn’t make any move to leave until Sam started heading their way again, shouting, “Kline! Get your ass back on the field! What are you doing?” And then Jack was off, sprinting across the field before Sam could reach them. Sam shook his head. “What was that about?”

           “Just the usual.” Dean shrugged. “Kid’s trying to set us up again.”

           Cas felt his whole face go red and he coughed into the sleeve of his coat. He could feel Dean watching him, his eyes on him, and he wanted to die. He felt like a teenager whose crush just called them a brother. He mumbled something into his sleeve – he was pretty sure it was incoherent – and then walked off to watch Jack play some more.

           Behind him, he heard Sam say, “So you’re really gonna dump a girl over that?”

           “She wants matching keys, Sam. His and hers keys.”

Cas stood in front of the mirror tying and then retying his tie. He hadn’t even switched ties since he had first picked out the blue one but it seemed wrong somehow. Every knot was wrong, even the feel of the silk was wrong.

           “Why are you wearing a tie to this thing?” Parker asked as he walked into the bedroom. He was looking at his feet as he undid his cufflinks and then kicked off his shoes. He glanced over his shoulder at Cas. “Why are you even going to this thing?”

           “It’s a team-building exercise,” Cas said. “And I was the one who suggested it.” He pulled off the tie with a huff, feeling the fabric wring around his neck and slap against his wrist. He looked down at it as he twisted it between his fingers.

           “A tie doesn’t really scream ‘team-building,’ does it?”

           Cas sighed. “I’m the boss. I still have to look like the boss.”

           Parker came up behind him and wrapped his arms around his hips. He pulled him back into him and kissed the side of his neck. When he was like this, when he was happy, Cas almost forgot that he hadn’t had this much time with him in a month. He reached up and carded his fingers through Parker’s hair, pulling him closer, keeping him latched onto his neck.

           “I’m gonna leave a mark,” Parker whispered.

           “Don’t worry about it.” Cas closed his eyes.

           Parker pursed his lips and then pressed his face against Cas’ shoulder. “Do you want me to come?”

           “Do I want you to come to a shitty bar with fifty of my closest coworkers so I can out myself to all of them in one fell swoop?” Cas said, deadpan. “Pass.”

           Parker chuckled. “I don’t get why you don’t just tell them.”

           “I tell them. I tell people.” Cas looked into the mirror, squinting. He tried to figure out what it was his outfit needed. There wasn’t a tie that didn’t work with the classic white button down and black slacks. “I tell them when it comes up. When it seems appropriate. I don’t invite my boyfriend to work-only gatherings and then kiss him when I get too drunk.”

           “Who will you kiss then?” Parker mumbled.

           Cas laughed and turned his head to peck Parker on the cheek. “You, if you’re home when I get back.”

           Parker sighed and stepped away, his fingers slipping from Cas’ hips. Cas immediately felt colder, more alone, even though his boyfriend was still there. “I can’t promise anything,” Parker said. “You know, with these big accounts and all the deadlines coming up.”

           “Yeah. I know.” Cas slipped the tie around his neck again and started to do the knot.

           “Stop.” Parker grabbed onto the fabric and pulled Cas closer. He kissed him on the lips and he tasted like lip gloss and a little bit of wine. Cas frowned. Parker took the tie. “Put on some jeans. I’ll get you another tie. Try not to look like you haven’t been in a bar since college.”

           Cas smirked as him but started to dutifully take off his pants.

The bar was loud and dirty – the exact opposite of what Dean had wanted when he’d picked it out. There seemed to be some sort of party going on, what with all the people around who seemed to know each other and think it was appropriate to touch each other and play awful music on the jukebox.

           Charlie didn’t seem to mind though. When her beer came to her with a ring of dust around the rim of the glass, she’d simply brushed it off and said, “It’ll boost my immune system, right?”

           Dean wasn’t sure on the logic of that but he wasn’t going to question it. He’d learned not to question Charlie after she’d moved to Germany to “make it big” and it had worked, somehow. In Germany, she was famous. In Germany, she could barely walk down the street without someone asking for her autograph. He had gone their once to visit her – she’d sent him a ticket – and the whole thing had been like a weird dream or a bad trip.

           Right now, she was in the middle of a story about the TV show she was working on. Something about monkeys or astronauts or monkey astronauts. But Dean was too focused on trying to use all his mental energy to get the stupid party people to shut the fuck up. Was it really that hard not to play Britney Spears on repeat? To keep their voices down? God, Dean felt like such an old man wanting to ruin their fun. But really. Their fun was Britney Spears.

           Charlie snapped her fingers in his face. “Hey, dipshit. I did not fly ten hours for you to ignore me, you know.”

           Dean took a sip of his beer. “You flew ten hours to do a hokey comic-con on foreign fandoms. What the fuck do you care if I ignore you?”

           Charlie smiled. “I like to be the centre of attention.”

           Dean almost choked on his beer when he laughed.

           “What’s so interesting over there anyways?” She glanced over her shoulder, scanning the partiers, as if she thought the reason for Dean’s distraction was just going to appear out of thin air. She had a hard time understanding that Dean was always distracted, that he always had a headache, and that he’d seen every episode of the monkey-astronaut show five times by now. Then, “Aah,” she said, “that’s what this is about?”

           Dean gave her a confused look. “That’s what what’s about?”

           Charlie tilted her head to the side. “You’re honestly going to sit there and pretend you having been staring at Cas’ ass for the last twenty minutes?”

           Dean blinked. He looked back at the crowd, scanning the people and their faces and their asses, until he saw what Charlie had determined in seconds. Cas was standing at the bar, mostly turned away from them, nursing a beer like it was Jack at three months old. He had a strained smile on his face like maybe it was fake, maybe he was struggling.

           “I wasn’t,” Dean said, honestly. Then he wondered if he’d been unconsciously ogling Cas’ ass. Like he always saw Cas’ ass, so it was always there, so he didn’t even notice he was staring at it.

           Charlie sighed. “Go. Say hi.”

           Dean wrinkled his brow. “No. I’m here with you. I saw him a few hours ago.”

           “And yet you’re still more interested in him.”

           Dean smirked. “I thought you didn’t want me to crush on lesbians.”

           Charlie flipped him off and then downed the rest of her beer. “Come on. We’re going over.” She started to slide towards the end of the booth.

           Dean reached out a hand to stop her. He touched the crook of her elbow. “Wait. Stop. This is ridiculous.” He gestured vaguely to the party. “He’s obviously busy. And he’s still mad at you for what you did at his wedding.”

           She rolled her eyes. “You make one joke about hooking up with the bride and suddenly you’re the bad guy. Plus, I did that for you. I get the bride, you get the groom. Win-win.”

           “Not this again.”

           “You’ve been in love with him probably since you’ve had eyes. I have eyes, so I’m a little in love with him. But the difference is, I fucked it up on purpose. You fucked it up because you’re a commitment-phobe who didn’t want to ruin a friendship.”

           Dean shook his head. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

           Charlie shrugged. “Maybe it’s not. Maybe you did the right thing letting him go, not fucking him for sport, staying his friend, picking up the pieces of his broken life. But you never got the fuck over him. So while he might not be getting hurt anymore, you still are. Every single damn time you look at him.”

           Dean swallowed hard. His eyes flicked towards Cas. “He has a boyfriend.”

           Charlie shrugged. “Commitments are made to be broken.” She slid out of the booth before Dean could stop her. Before he was on his feet, she had Cas’ attention. And by the time he reached the two of them, she had him in a big bear hug.

Dean looked good cleaned up. Not that he was cleaned up. He still hadn’t shaved and the soap smell wasn’t completely covering the sweat smell or the grease. But the army green button down he had on made his eyes pop and Cas found himself getting lost in them, or tracing the curve of Dean’s lips as he talked, or watching his Adam’s apple bob when he swallowed. Cas was perhaps a lot drunker than he’d originally thought.

           Charlie took over the conversation, rambling as usual, and Cas kept looking at Dean. Part of his brain was aware he should stop. Stop looking at Dean, stop drinking, just stop altogether maybe. Press pause on the world turning and revaluate his life choices. But it was hard when Dean had a scar down the middle of his bottom lip, like he’d bitten it right open, and Cas kept wondering if he could bite it open himself.

           When Charlie excused herself to the bathroom, Dean sidled up closer to him and laid a hand on his arm. He said, “What are you drinking?”

           “Beer,” Cas said, looking down at his mostly empty glass. He should stop. This was his second and he was supposed to drive home.

           Dean traced his finger down the inside of Cas’ arm, sending shivers all through his body. “What kind of beer?”

           “You know,” Cas said.

           “Oh, that honey shit you like.”

           Cas tried to smile when Dean laughed but he could have sworn someone put something in his drink. Did Dean always look like this? Was he always so beautiful? Cas felt himself sway forward and was suddenly aware that Dean had sat down on a barstool. When had he done that? Now that Cas was closer, he towered over him, and Dean had to look up to meet his eyes. That little smirk on his lips lit up his whole face.

           Dean reached out and pressed a palm against Cas’ stomach. Maybe to keep him steady, maybe for another reason. “Maybe you shouldn’t have another,” Dean said.

           “Maybe I should,” Cas replied. Was he imagining it or was Dean’s thumb rubbing against the buttons of his shirt?

           Dean sighed and the smile dropped right off his face. He took his hand back and rubbed it down his face, suddenly looking anywhere but Cas. “This is all Charlie’s fault,” he muttered as he flung a few bills onto the bar. He got to his feet. “You have a good night, Cas.”

           Cas reached out and grabbed his arm. He wasn’t sure what he was thinking. Maybe he was thinking that Dean didn’t walk away often, that Dean had never walked away from him. He pulled him back and said, “Stay.” Then, because that seemed a little scary and personal, he added, “I’m the boss. These people don’t want to be out with me. If you leave, I’ll be bored out of my mind.”

           “You could leave,” Dean said.

           Cas stared at him.

           “I can’t do this with you, Cas.” Dean turned back to him, stumbling a little on his feet. One of his hands reached up and cupped Cas’ cheek. “I’ve been really fucking good about not doing this with you.” When his head tilted forward, Cas could smell the alcohol on his breath, hear the tremble in his words.

           “Doing what?” Cas asked.

           Dean smiled. “What do you think?”

           He made to step back but Cas grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him forward. He crushed their lips together, getting more teeth than lips, but he didn’t let it deter him. He just pulled on Dean more, stumbling back a few steps, and kissed him like his life depended on it. Kissed him like he’d never kiss him again.

           He hit the bar and Dean’s hands came down around him, his hips pushing forward. He kissed back like Cas always thought he would – wild, reckless, dangerous – and pushed a hand up under Cas’ shirt. His fingers were warm, sweaty. Cas turned his head and buried it into the crook of Dean’s neck, inhaling his scent, forcing himself to breathe as Dean rutted against his hip and sucked on his neck.

           Cas spared a thought – one thought – to where they were. “This might be a little public,” he whispered.

           Dean sighed. The breath tickled Cas’ skin and he wanted nothing more than to take his words back. Dean could fuck him against the bar if he wanted to, all his coworkers be damned.

           Then Dean pulled off, his eyes glassy and his lips bitten-red. He flicked his gaze over Cas’ body and Cas stood still, wondering, waiting. He half expected Dean to determine he wasn’t good enough for a one-night-stand, wasn’t the material Dean needed for future wanking sessions. But then he tucked his fingers through Cas’ belt loops and tugged him forward. “C’mon,” he said. “Let’s get out of here.”

Dean hadn’t taken the subway home from a bar since he was in college. He either went to the bars close to his house or didn’t drink enough to have to worry about not being able to drive. He wasn’t sure he was too drunk to drive now. But driving meant keeping his hands off Cas, meant keeping his eyes on the road, meant he had to stay focused on something other than the beautiful man in front of him.

           Okay, so making out on the subway wasn’t Dean’s best idea. People kept telling them to get a room, there was more than one disgusted sound of disapproval, and everything about it was uncomfortable. Dean didn’t really care. He just kept pressing Cas back against the wall, trying to tuck himself completely into his embrace as he kissed his lips, his cheeks, his neck. He kept one hand on his hip, pinning him down, because he was a little afraid Cas wanted to get away.

           “Dean,” Cas mumbled after what felt like forever, what felt like ten seconds.

           “Yeah, baby?” Dean whispered, biting his earlobe.

           Cas groaned against him and then whined, his hips pushing upwards. Dean could feel the start of his erection and he wanted to touch it, to taste it, to have it in him. He wondered how many times Cas could get it up in a night. If Cas would stay over the weekend and do nothing but fuck him senseless.

           “We missed the stop.”

           Dean looked up. Doing it felt a little like stopping himself from breathing. And sure enough, they were racing away from the stop closest to his house and onto the next one. “Damn it,” Dean whispered.

           Cas latched onto his neck, laying bruising kisses along his jaw line. “We’ll just get off at the next one,” he mumbled. “Walk back.”

           “And how will we do this while walking?”

           “We’ll think of something.” Cas coaxed their lips back together and pulled Dean in by the back of his neck.

           They missed the next two stops and barely managed to stumble out already-closing doors at the third. Dean swore and looked up at the train schedule. The next one going the other way wasn’t coming for a good eight minutes and he had half a hard-on and a raging need to get it over with. If he fucked Cas now, he could go through with it. If he waited eight minutes? The twenty minute ride home? The five minute walk to his apartment? That was thirty-three minutes to rethink this terrible decision. To think that Cas had a boyfriend. To sober up. To remember he didn’t do this to Cas, he wasn’t this person to Cas, he didn’t deserve Cas.

           “Hey,” Cas whispered. He hooked his fingers into the back pocket of Dean’s jeans and pulled him back a few steps. “What’s wrong?”

           Dean turned his head to look at Cas. Maybe he didn’t want to do this as badly as he thought he did. Maybe there was a reason it had taken them thirty years of friendship to get to this point.

           Cas laid a hand against his cheek and then pressed their foreheads together. “Are you alright? Is this… alright?”

           Dean wanted to laugh. Cas was so drunk he could barely stand upright without some sort of support – hence his lips being two inches away all the time – and he was asking if Dean was okay. Dean who could feel the buzz of alcohol leaving, feel the familiar heaviness entering his limbs, feel the false high dissipate into his usual sadness. He ran a thumb across Cas’ bottom lip.

           “I don’t think you’re sober enough to make this decision,” Dean whispered.

           Cas kissed him. “Dean, I’m just drunk enough to make this decision.”

           Dean laughed. “Too drunk.”

           “No.” Cas smiled at him. “No, I’ve wanted this since… since, god, since I knew I wanted things like this. Since eighth grade when you would suck on pencils in class and I would stare at you the whole time. Since tenth grade when you joined the football team and would come into the locker room sweaty and shirtless and in spandex fucking shorts and just stand there and talk to me while I tried to get dressed for first period gym. Goddammit Dean, do you have any idea how hard it was not to get a boner? It was literal torture.”

           Dean laughed.

           Cas kissed him again, longer, sweeter. “I wanted you in college, when you brought home those girls every night. You used to joke about threesomes constantly and I would… I would imagine saying yes instead of brushing you off.” He licked his bottom lip. Dean couldn’t stop staring at him, couldn’t stop his heart from swelling. Cas added, “Then you came out. And I was already married. And it felt like some sick joke.”

           “Cas…”

           Cas shook his head, looked down. “I get it. I’m not the type you usually go for. You’re not a one man guy. It’s fine.” His eyes glistened when he looked back up and his smile was weak. “Just let me have this.”

           Dean stared at him for a long moment, so long that his vision went blurry and Cas’ eyes started to become one before him. He blinked hard. “Cas, if I was a one man guy, it’d be for you.”

           Cas kissed him and suddenly it didn’t feel like such a big deal that they’d missed all those stops, that they might miss the next train if they kept kissing like this, like they had to wait. Dean had waited this long. He had made himself wait this long. And if he had to blame alcohol and bad decisions to get the one thing he wanted, fine. He could brush it all off if he had to. He could forget it all in the morning. Maybe Cas wouldn’t even stay the night. It was fine, totally fine, as long as Cas’ tongue stayed in his mouth and his hands wandered to his ass and they kept finding walls Dean could push him up against. The subway wall was cool and hard and brick but Cas barely made a noise when Dean shoved him up against it, when he gripped his hair and kissed him so hard he tasted blood.

           “I can’t wait,” Cas mumbled. Or at least that’s what Dean thought he said.

           Dean reached his hands down between them, fingers fumbling with Cas’ belt buckle. He felt adrenaline rush through his veins. Yes, he was definitely going to get arrested for this. No, he didn’t really care.

           “I meant…” Cas began. Dean sunk to his knees and pressed his face into Cas’ crotch. Cas whimpered. “A hotel. We could go… to a hotel.”

           Dean kissed up the length of his hardening cock, careful to keep fabric between their skin. He pressed one hand into Cas’ hip, holding him steady as he inhaled his scent. He sucked at the head through the fabric of Cas’ jeans, then pulled down the zipper and pressed his face to Cas’ boxers. He rubbed his nose across his cock, ghosted his lips along its length. He could feel Cas whimpering more than hear him, felt every tremble between his fingertips.

           “You really want that?” Dean whispered. He moved one hand into Cas’ boxers, cupping his balls and feeling the warmth of him. Dean could hear his own heart pounding. He leaned his forehead against Cas’ stomach, tried to steady his breathing as he took Cas’ cock in his hand. “You want a hotel?”

           Cas let out a broken, desperate, sobbing laugh. “I want you to do anything you want to me right fucking here but if we don’t move this to a hotel, we’ll be arrested before that happens.”

           Dean didn’t mind the arrested part. He did mind the part where he got separated from Cas before the main event. With a sigh, he took his hand out of Cas’ boxers and made his way slowly to his feet. He ghosted his lips over Cas’ belly for as long as he could before his shirt fell down and Dean was upright.

           Cas made quick work of tucking himself back into his jeans. As he stepped away from the wall, Dean made a move to put an arm around him. Cas dodged it and said, “Don’t touch me. Or we will spend the night in jail.”

The motel was the dirtiest place Cas had ever stepped foot in. When he whispered this to Dean, Dean laughed at him. So Cas shut up, swallowed his urge to ask they find somewhere else to spend the night, and waited nervously while Dean got the keys. The alcohol was starting to wear off and the realization that this wasn’t just a bad idea but a very bad idea was sweeping over Cas in waves. He stuffed his hands into his pockets and bounced on the balls of his feet.

           Dean turned back to him with a smile. “Ready, babe?”

           Cas felt the nickname go straight to his dick. He kind of never wanted Dean to call him anything else ever again. He nodded. Bad idea or not, he was already there. He wanted this. And he could back out now, be the good guy one more time, or he could do something he really wanted to do and blame it all on the alcohol in the morning.

           They resisted the urge to make-out in the elevator. There was a foot of space between them that Cas suddenly felt like he couldn’t cross, like he didn’t have the guts to step over. Dean opened the door to their room and a musty smell wafted out. Cas really hoped he didn’t get an infection from this. That would be a lot harder to explain than the bruises on his hips.

           He stepped inside and swallowed hard. Looking around the room, there really was only one reason to get a room here. There was no TV. No desk. No armchair with a little footstool. There was just a double bed with yellow-white sheets and thin comforter. The lamp on the bedside table didn’t even have a bulb in it.

           He heard the door shut behind him. He turned to Dean, ready to bite the bullet and tell him this was a horrible decision. But Dean kissed him before he got the words out. And nothing about kissing Dean could ever be a horrible decision because his lips tasted like alcohol and medicated chapstick, like spit and sweat and him.

           Dean pushed him back, his fingers already working at his zipper. He kissed and moved and felt him up roughly, quickly, like he was afraid Cas would pull away at any second and this would never happen. Even well it was happening, it felt like it would never happen to Cas. This was a fever dream or a cruel joke or a hallucination. It wasn’t Dean’s lips on his neck and his hands pulling down his pants and Dean sinking to his knees as he pushed him back onto the bed.

           Cas landed with a squeal of the springs but he couldn’t be bothered to worry about the bed collapsing for too long. Dean had his lips on his inner thighs, taking his sweet time sucking and biting at the skin there as his hands caressed Cas’ calves. Cas whined and tried to sit up, but then Dean’s hand was on his hip, coaxing him back down.

           Cas bit his lip and closed his eyes. Dean’s hand crept up under his thigh, moving forward to grab his ass. He kissed his cock, tongue flicking out to lick long lines over his sensitive skin. His nails bit into Cas’ butt as he sucked at the head of his dick, swirling his tongue and taking his sweet damn time. Cas wondered why. The bedsprings creaked and Cas realized Dean was humping the bed as he worked, his lips making their way up the length of his hardening cock.

           Dean’s other hand rolled his balls and Cas let out a loud moan. He bucked up into Dean’s mouth and Dean didn’t flinch. He moaned. The sound rumbled through Cas’ body, making him feel like he was on fire. Experimentally, he tried to sit up and Dean let him. He shifted forward and Dean didn’t shift back. He looked up at him, eyes wide, almost begging. When Cas didn’t move, he gripped his ass in both hands and moved him forward.

           Cas gasped and reached out to grab onto Dean’s hair. He pulled it a bit and Dean moaned and Cas groaned in return. Then, closing his eyes and trying to forget years of lectures on why this was dangerous, he thrust his hips forward into Dean’s mouth. Dean leaned into the motion so Cas did it again and again and again until he was setting a punishing pace. He let his grip on Dean loosen, carded his fingers through his hair and moved them to his cheek. He could feel his dick there, pounding into the back of Dean’s throat as every muscle in his body tightened. Dean continued to move his tongue and hollow out his cheeks despite the fact that Cas was quickly losing control, his thrusts becoming erratic and too hard. Dean’s nails dug into his ass, urging him on, and Cas had only a second to spare to think about what it meant if he blew his load when his orgasm snuck up on him. All his muscles tensed and then relaxed, come spurting down Dean’s throat.

           Dean finally backed off a little but he swallowed it down dutifully. Some of it dripped out his mouth and he licked it up with his tongue. Then, before Cas could say a word, he bent down and licked the rest of it off Cas’ flaccid dick.

           “Dean, fuck,” Cas whispered. He reached out and brushed his hand through his hair even as he continued to lick up the mess. Cas felt like curling right around him, pulling him into some perverse parody of a hug. “Fuck. I’m sorry.”

           “Why?” Dean whispered. He looked up and Cas lost his breath.

           Cas leaned down and kissed him. Placing a hand on the back of his neck, he pulled Dean forward as he leaned back onto the bed. As Dean crawled forward, Cas crept a hand down his chest and cupped it around his cock. He was hard in Cas’ hand, so hard even the touch of his fingers made Dean whine.

           “Shh,” Cas whispered. He lay kisses up Dean’s jaw and murmured in his ear, “I’ll take care of you.”

           He rubbed his fingers over Dean’s crotch and he bucked up into him. Cas thought that might be enough for him, just rutting into his hand like an over-sexed teenager. Cas wondered what it would feel like to have his come leak through his jeans and onto his fingers.

           He rolled Dean onto his back, pulled up his own pants, and clambered over Dean. Dean looked up at him with wide eyes, curious and questioning. Cas brought his hands down on his cheeks to feel the stubble in his palms, to brush a thumb over his swollen lips. Then, slowly, he lowered himself onto Dean’s clothed cock and brushed his covered ass over Dean’s erection. Dean let out a sound that was half moan, half scream and Cas instinctively moved his hand up to cover it.

           Dean wrapped his lips around Cas’ fingers, sucking and shaking. His hips bucked upwards and Cas applied more pressure, revelling in the feeling of Dean rubbing against him. When he was sure Dean had control of himself, he slid his fingers out of his mouth and pressed his hand down on Dean’s shoulder instead.

           “I fucking…” Dean took a deep breath as the words shook over his tongue. “I fucking hate dry-humping.”

           Cas laughed. “It’s hard to tell.”

           “It’s so much… so much fucking worse than the real thing.”

           Cas hummed and circled his hips a little, loving the way Dean swallowed his moans. “It’s effective, though.”

           “Effective and such a waste,” Dean grumbled. “What are we? Teenagers? Just… fuck.” He bit into his bottom lip and the scar ripped open, sending a dribble of blood across his lip. Cas caught his breath and pressed down, feeling Dean’s cock against him. He closed his eyes against the urge to get it all over with. “Just fuck me,” Dean breathed out.

           Cas opened his eyes in surprise. He stopped moving and the breath that Dean let out was almost a sob. “Fuck you?” Cas echoed stupidly.

           “Yes, fuck me,” Dean said, sounding more annoyed than horny as the seconds passed. “What the fuck did you think we were coming here to do?”

           “I just thought… I…” Cas swallowed nervously. He looked away from Dean’s face, his eyes trailing down his body. He had opened a few buttons on his shirt, enough to see his smooth pecs, and the button of his jeans were open, but otherwise, he was still fully clothed. Cas spared a moment of thought for how much his erection must hurt in those tight jeans. “You… bottom?”

           Dean rolled his eyes and bucked up his hips. Cas nearly lost his balance but got the hint: conversation or not, he needed to keep moving his hips. But even when he did, Dean didn’t stop thrusting upwards and even moved a hand to Cas’ hips. His eyes fluttered half-closed.

           “Dean?” Cas prompted, barely making it through the single syllable. He could feel himself starting to get hard again, his ass burning. “Bottoming?”

           “I bottom,” Dean said. “I like it. But whatever. If you don’t like topping, I’ll fuck you. You fuck me, I fuck you, I don’t fucking care just…” He let out a long, low whine like a boiling tea kettle. “Please.”

           Cas shifted so he was sitting on Dean’s thighs instead. He undid the button on his jeans, then the zipper, and tucked his hand inside Dean’s boxers. He had barely brushed his fingers over Dean’s cock when he blew his load.

           “Fuck,” Dean whispered. His whole body was trembling.

           Cas rubbed his weak erection against Dean’s thigh, feeling his come spreading through his fingers as he stroked him through his climax. Dean whined but didn’t push his hand away when it had finished, made no move to stop him at all. So Cas kept going, twisting his fingers around Dean’s cock, letting Dean ride through the aftershocks with cut-off moans.

           “Did we decide?” Dean asked when he finally reached to move Cas’ hand away. He looked up at him as he licked his lips and Cas wondered how he could look so good like that – still clothed, sweaty and sexed, like someone had fucked him with all his clothes on. Which, Cas supposed, he had.

           “Decide what?” Cas said.

           “Who’s fucking who,” Dean said, groaning like this was the most boring conversation he had in his life. He sat up and started tugging off his pants and underwear.

           Cas realized he hadn’t actually seen Dean’s cock yet. But even post-orgasm, it was fantastic. Thick and a good length. He wanted it in his mouth, in his hand, in his ass, wherever he could have it. Dean’s pants hit the floor with a whack.

           “So?” Dean prompted.

           Cas looked back up at him and felt himself start to blush at being caught. Not that it mattered right now but Cas had spent too many years trying not to get caught looking at Dean that looking unashamedly now felt wrong.

           “I’ll fuck you,” Cas said because he wanted to see every one of Dean’s muscles working, because he didn’t want to have to think past thrusting his hips. He felt himself get a little harder just thinking about entering Dean. “Fuck,” he whispered.

           Dean smiled at him and suddenly the whole situation felt a lot more real. There was Dean’s patented smirk, the one he had on whenever he was about to make fun of him. But instead of saying anything, Dean leaned forward and kissed him. “You ready to go yet?” he murmured against his lips.

           Cas chuckled. “You just came.”

           “Wring it out of me again,” Dean whispered. “Do it all fucking night if you want.”

           Cas whined against his lips. Dean shifted onto his knees and cupped Cas’ face in his hands as he kissed him. Then, slowly, he started to undo the buttons of his shirt. Cas shifted into his touch and let his hands wander under Dean’s shirt. His cock rubbed against the V of Dean’s hip and he moaned into the kiss. Dean grabbed his ass and pulled him closer, encouraging him as he one-handedly pushed off Cas’ shirt.

           Cas bit down onto Dean’s shoulder as he rutted against him. He did his best to get his shirt off, but his hands were trembling. Dean’s fingers came down over Cas’ and helped with the buttons. He shrugged his shirt off and Cas let his fingers fall against Dean’s abs, over his pecs, down his sides. He groaned at the feel of him.

           Dean dipped his hands under the waistband of Cas’ jeans and pulled them down. Cas shifted enough to get them down and then broke their embrace to pull them off the rest of the way. Before they even hit the floor, Dean was pulling him back, kissing his shoulders and his neck. Cas’ hard cock rubbed against Dean’s stomach and he muffled a groan as he pressed into the sensation, wondering if he could get off by fucking Dean’s abs.

           “Wait,” Dean said. He shifted back a bit and then took Cas’ cock in his hand. He moved a bit more, adjusting, and then took them both in his hand. Cas gasped as his dick rubbed against Dean’s, as Dean’s fingers skidded along both their lengths. He added his own hand to the mix, curling his fingers over Dean’s, trying to get him to move faster, rougher. He could barely catch his breath.

           Then Dean kissed him, swirling their tongues together. Cas could hear his heartbeat in his ears. He kind of felt like he was going to die.

           “Stop,” Cas whispered. He squeezed Dean’s fingers with his own, trying to swallow the whimper in his throat.

           Dean cupped his chin in a hand and tilted it up so he could look at him. His eyes were so green, so much greener than Cas had ever realized, and he felt like he had spent a lot of time trying to categorize the colour of Dean’s eyes. Green didn’t quite cover it.

           “What’s wrong, babe?”

           “Nothing’s wrong.” Cas almost laughed at the thought. He wanted to kiss the worry off Dean’s lips, away from the wrinkles under his eyes. “I’m just gonna come again if we keep this up. And I kinda thought you wanted me to fuck you.”

           Dean smiled. “Do I really have that much of an effect on you?”

           “You have no fucking clue.”

           Dean kissed him and Cas sunk into the softness of it. He didn’t speed it up or slow it down. Somehow it felt like they were getting in all the kisses they’d missed over the years tonight. This one, this one must have been that mistletoe in Cas’ first apartment with Kelly. The subway was all those drunken nights wandering home in college. The bar was when they’d snuck out at sixteen with fake IDs and wound up in jail, waiting for their parents to get out of bed and pick them up.

           Dean pulled away and licked his lips. Both his hands cradled Cas’ face. “Where do you want me?” he said.

           Cas’ brain almost short-circuited at those words but he forced it to keep working. “Do you have any lube?”

           “Somewhere,” Dean said. “My wallet, maybe.”

           Cas slipped off the bed. The cold of the motel room overcame him without Dean touching him and he suddenly felt sticky and silly and like the whole world was revolving without them. He stumbled towards Dean’s jeans and pulled out his wallet, started flicking through the cards and bills and receipts.

           Dean shifted on the bed – the springs gave him away – and he kissed Cas’ back. He started to flutter his lips down his spine and Cas felt himself shaking. His fingers slipped, snapping everything back into the overstuffed space.

           “I can’t find it,” Cas said.

           “Give it to me.” But instead of waiting, Dean wrapped his arms over Cas’ shoulders and grabbed the wallet out of his hands. For a second, his naked body pressed up against Cas’ back and his weight hung off his shoulders. Then he was gone.

           Cas turned to see him flopping back on the bed, tossing things out of his wallet at random. “You’re gonna need those cards later,” Cas said.

           “But not now.”

           Cas sat down on the end of the bed, watching.

           Dean pulled out a plastic packet of travel lube – he had travel lube – and smiled. He flicked it at Cas. “Where do you want me?” he repeated.

           Cas wanted Dean everywhere, in every position, all night long. But he was sure this erection was the last one in him and that he’d only get to do this once. “All fours,” he said. He stood up as Dean shifted into position and pushed his ass into the air.

           Cas took a deep breath. He ripped open the packet and spread the lube onto his fingers before stepping forward and spreading Dean’s cheeks. With just one finger, Dean shifted but made no noise. Cas added a second finger. Then, with little struggle, a third.

           “Shit,” Cas said. “Do you even need lube?”

           Dean laughed. “I do like to be warmed up a bit.”

           Cas curled his fingers and Dean groaned. “You already feel warmed up.”

           Dean leaned forward, pressing his face into a pillow as he whimpered. Cas shifted up onto the bed and pushed his fingers in further, looking for room or friction. He pressed a kiss to the base of Dean’s spine and then, in a bout of inspiration, lowered his kisses down the crack of his ass.

           Dean moaned as Cas swirled his tongue around the rim of his hole. He felt Dean buck back into him so he moved his other hand to steady him. Slipping out two fingers, he pressed his tongue against the hole and then dipped it in, moving his finger along with it. A groan shuddered through Dean’s body and Cas gripped his hip harder as he pushed his tongue along the rim and buried his face in Dean’s ass.

           “I’m ready,” Dean managed.

           Cas chuckled. He licked his lips as he came up and pressed a wet kiss to Dean’s ass. Then he dragged his teeth against the warm flesh and relished the way Dean whimpered. “Are you sure, sweetie?” Cas said, soft. “I wouldn’t want to do it without warming you up properly. Are you sure you don’t want to—” He was cut off by Dean moaning when he twisted his fingers.

           “Okay, baby,” Cas whispered. He pulled his fingers out and shifted to be squarely behind Dean. He stroked his ass with one hand, resisting the urge to slap it or bite it. He rubbed his cock up the crack of Dean’s ass, biting his lip to resist groaning.

           “Do it,” Dean snapped.

           “Patience.”

           “I’m not a fucking doctor, just fuck me.”

           Cas exhaled a laugh and lined himself up. With one last, steadying breath, he pushed inside. He almost lost it the moment their skin touched and again when he felt Dean squeeze around him. He hissed out his breath, let his hand slide up the length of Dean’s spine as he pushed in. He kept his pace slow, his eyes closed, afraid if he moved too fast it would all be over in seconds and Cas wanted to remember this moment for the rest of his life. He wanted this moment to last for the rest of his life.

           Then Dean shifted backwards, slamming Cas fully into him and he groaned.

           “Fuck,” Cas bit out, tasting blood on his tongue from where he’d bitten it. He grasped Dean’s hip, not kindly, and kept him steady for a moment as shockwaves rolled through his body. “Don’t do that.”

           “Then do something,” Dean bit back.

           Cas reached around with his other hand to stroke Dean’s cock. Dean whimpered at his touch and tried to thrust into it, but Cas held his hip steady. Damn him if Dean moved on his own for the rest of the night. When Cas’ breath had steadied and Dean was damn near a puddle, rock hard in Cas’ hand, Cas pulled back and thrust forward. He felt all the breath leave Dean’s body.

           He started slow – his thrusts regular and steady – and sped up at a reasonable pace. He squeezed the base of Dean’s cock whenever he got too close. Dean’s groans and whimpers wet the pillow at his lips, the sheets going dark around his mouth. Even as he melted, he squeezed his muscles around Cas’ cock, bucked back into him whenever he felt Cas’ fingers loosening at his hip. And Cas could feel himself slowly, surely, losing control as he watched Dean’s muscles ripple and relax.

           When he couldn’t stand it any longer, he started to thrust faster. The slap of skin against skin filled the air and Dean came easily, quickly, his come spread over Cas’ fingers. Cas spread it up the length of his abs and then squeezed his ass, still thrusting harder and faster as Dean tried to wring his orgasm out of him. He felt himself spiralling out of control, sweat making his hair fall into his eyes.

           When he came, he felt his whole body go limp and sated. He curled over Dean’s back, stroking his sides as his release left him. He kissed down his spine before sitting up and pulling out, sighing as fatigue washed over him. Dean slipped down so he was lying on the bed, breathing heavily, the pillow still half in his mouth.

           Cas lay down beside him on his belly, looked at Dean’s face. Dean’s eyes were closed as air heaved through his body, making the bedsprings give off their last, dying squeaks. Cas reached forward and cupped his cheek, feeling the stubble prickle his palm.

           “We need to get up,” Cas whispered.

           Dean groaned. “We have the room for the night.”

           Cas laughed. “No. I mean we need to shower.”

           Dean shook his head into the pillow.

           Cas couldn’t stop smiling, couldn’t make his mouth close. He shook Dean’s shoulder. “Can’t you feel all that come drying? Isn’t that really gross to you?”

           “No,” Dean mumbled. “I like it.”

           “You have to shower.”

           Dean groaned and pressed his whole face into the pillow. Cas brushed his fingers through his hair, patient, waiting. He pressed his lips to Dean’s shoulder.

           Dean lifted his face and one green eye peeked out at Cas. “You’ll shower with me?”

           “I’ll shower with you,” Cas agreed.

Cas closed his eyes tighter against the sunlight shining through the thin curtains. Then, squinting, he slowly opened them to see the man in front of him. The man who was definitely not his boyfriend. Dean Winchester, fast asleep, a slight smile on his lips, his stubble starting to grow into a thin beard.

           Cas wrapped their legs tighter together for an instant. He was afraid to blink. He wanted to memorize this – the warm bed and their entangled bodies and the soft look on Dean’s face. He wanted to pretend he could wake up to this every morning, wanted to memorize the image so he could remember it every morning and pretend. He reached his hand forward and caressed Dean’s cheek, brushed his thumb over his bottom lip.

           Dean grumbled, shifted, but didn’t stir.

           Cas bit down on all the feelings swelling in his belly, on the sadness clogging his throat. Then, slowly, he shifted out of Dean’s embrace and started the cold work of searching for his clothes. His thoughts whirled as he tried to come up with an excuse to tell Parker about why he had been out all night, why his clothes were wrinkled, why he didn’t come home before he went to work. Home was in the opposite direction of work at this point and he had spare clothes in his office.

           As he did up the last few buttons on his shirt, Dean groaned and rolled over on the bed. He blinked open his eyes and slowly focused on Cas. “Where are you going?”

           “Work.”

           “Aah.” Dean pushed himself into a sitting position and waggled his eyebrows. “You don’t wanna stay for round two?”

           Cas smiled at him. “More like round three.”

           Dean smiled back and Cas felt that familiar tug on his heartstrings. He looked away as he shuffled into his shoes and turned around to sit on the end of the bed as he tied his laces. Taking a deep breath, he said, “We’re okay, right?”

           Dean yawned and the bedsprings squealed as he got to his feet. “Why wouldn’t we be okay?”

           Cas shrugged. “I don’t know. We’re not exactly friends with benefits.” He spared a glance towards Dean and wished the other man didn’t look so confused. It was probably just early. Dean got it, Dean had to get it. Dean was the reason it had to be this way. “It’s not going to be weird now?”

           “Why would it be weird?”

           Cas sighed. He looked back down at his tied shoes. “Because,” he said. He really wished Dean didn’t have an insatiable urge to make everything difficult. Cas got to his feet and turned to face Dean. “This was a mistake. A onetime thing. A stupid, drunken night. And I don’t want it to ruin our friendship.”

           Dean stared at him for a moment, his eyes wide and blank, and Cas thought he saw something like hurt flash through them. Then he chuckled and ran a hand through his hair. His armpit hair was wild even though the rest of him was smooth and Cas still wanted to lick his abs, press kisses into his neck. He was surprised, looking at him, by how many bruises he’d left the night before, by the yellow-brown indent of his fingers around Dean’s hips.

           “Cas, if my friendships were ruined every time I fucked someone, I would have no friends to speak of.” He shook his head and took a step forward. He pressed a wet, meaningless kiss against Cas’ cheek and then slapped it for good measure. “We’re fine.”

           Cas looked into his eyes. He watched his smile. He saw nothing wrong.

           “Go to work,” Dean said, stepping back. “I have to clean up all this shit anyways.”

           Cas didn’t move. He watched Dean bend over, told himself he wasn’t appreciating his ass one last time. Then, “Okay,” he said. He patted his back pocket to make sure his wallet was still there and headed for the door. Only once he was on the other side of it did he realize he should have showered again, freshened up, gone to the bathroom. But knocking didn’t seem like an option anymore, so he walked away.

Dean sunk to the ground as soon as Cas left. The motel carpet was itchy and had that distinct feel of something unwashed but he couldn’t bring himself to stand up. His legs felt weak, shaky, like he’d been fucked seconds ago instead of hours. He scrubbed his hand down his face.

           Of course he’d known it was a onetime thing. Of course he’d realized they weren’t friends with benefits. He wasn’t a fucking idiot. He didn’t entertain romantic notions of marrying Cas and having his kids. He hadn’t thought this would change everything, change both their lives, that one drunken night was worth throwing away everything for. He didn’t.

           Of course he did.

           Dean tried not to remember the things Cas had said about him, about wanting him for so long. He tried not to let them run through his mind, not to wonder how Cas could want him so much but not want to be with him. But that was who he was, wasn’t it? Always the one-night-stand, never the bride. Fuck him. And fuck his brain for thinking this was the exception.

           After a long few minutes, Dean hoisted himself to his feet. He took a hot shower and brushed his teeth with some toothpaste that looked like it’d been left behind a decade ago. He got his clothes back on, picked up the contents of his wallet, and checked under the bed for good measure. When he was sure the room was clean – or, at least, empty of his stuff – he left the key on the bedside table and walked out the door.

           He didn’t talk to anyone all day. He ignored Charlie’s texts asking where he’d been, if he was dead, if he’d finally fucked Cas. She was livid he’d left her in the bar – she’d been in the bathroom for three minutes, was he really that horny? – but more curious about what he’d gotten up to. He ignored Sam’s call and subsequent text asking if he was coming over for dinner that night. The last thing Dean wanted to see now was Sam and Jess and their happy fucking family. Knowing their Saturday night dinners, his parents would probably be there as well and he might just burst into tears if they asked him if he was seeing anyone. Not that Dean cried. He didn’t cry. And he ignored all his coworkers at the garage, going so far as to simply raise his eyebrows at his boss when she asked if he was done on the Camaro. It was in fifty fucking bazillion pieces still – of course he wasn’t done.

           Just as he rolled into bed for the night, his phone lit up with another text. He sighed, ready to finally tell Charlie to fuck off, when he realized it was from Cas. It said: were you avoiding me today

           Dean wrinkled his face. It wasn’t hard not to see Cas all day long – guy had a kid and a boyfriend and a fulltime job and – oh. Fucking grocery shopping. Dean forgot he went grocery shopping on Saturdays. He texted back: busy at work. didn’t have the time

           And then he stared at his phone for a very long time before remembering Cas rarely replied to texts that didn’t need replies. He locked his phone and rolled his face into his pillow, praying he wouldn’t dream of Cas.

           He dreamed of Cas.

           He dreamed Cas was touching him, kissing him, whispering promises into his ears. He dreamed they would wake up together in the morning, make breakfast, send the kids off to school. He woke up a hundred times in the night and finally gave up on sleep around five a.m.

           Days passed. He inevitably ran into Cas and managed to keep his cool, to not act like he’d been fantasizing about their life together for days. He smirked and made jokes and called Cas babe instead of angel and watched him blush everywhere. He punched him in the arm and walked away, always walked away too fast, always made it feel awkward. It was the best he could do, the best he could manage, and he could feel Cas staring after him every time like I thought you said this wouldn’t be a problem.

           Then Dean got sick. And he was smart enough to know the difference between sick and sick. So he went out of his way to a different grocery store and covered the pregnancy test in bags and bags of gummy candy which really felt like more of an admission that anything else. He avoided the cashiers in favour of the self-checkout and made his way home. He locked himself in his bathroom like he thought someone else might come in, someone else might see.

           He peed on the stick and he waited.

           He waited longer than he needed to. He left the bathroom. He made popcorn. He watched a whole season of Orange is the New Black. He wandered back into the bathroom full of off-brand pop, rubbing his eyes from fatigue, and unzipped his pants. As he pissed, his eyes wandered over to the counter.

           A pink plus sign stared back at him.

Dean stood on the sidelines of the football game and watched as the kids ran from one end of the field to the other. Sam blew the whistle every few seconds, forcing them to switch directions rapidly. Dean wished he could say he didn’t mind – it was Sam’s job, Sam had to do his job – but he rarely told Sam he needed to talk. He rarely wanted to talk about anything. He thought maybe that warranted his brother’s full attention.

           After a few more whistle blows, Sam called them all to a stop and sent them off to run various drills on their own. As he walked back to Dean, he took off his cap and ran his hand through his hair. He offered Dean an apologetic smile. “Sorry. The first game that matters this season is Friday.”

           “It’s okay,” Dean said.

           Sam gave him an odd look. He clearly knew it did matter but Dean didn’t want to fight about that. He didn’t want to fight about anything. He didn’t even want to explain the problem. He thought maybe the way he’d crossed his arms over his stomach would give it away, maybe the three layers of shirts he was wearing. He didn’t want to say the words out loud.

           “What’s up?” Sam said.

           Dean bounced on the balls of his feet and looked away. A cool breeze rippled through the air and a shout came from the other end of the field as one boy tackled another. Dean let out a big breath and said, “I’m pregnant.”

           Sam side-eyed him. “Get another abortion.”

           “I thought about that.” Dean tried not to bite his tongue off. He felt like during the last few days he was starting to wear a hole through his tongue, a thin groove, and eventually its tip would just fall off. “My doctor said there’s already… just so much scarring and he’s afraid if I get another abortion, I might not be able to have a baby.”

           Sam blew his whistle and shouted at some kids who had started a scrum without his permission. Dean held back a sigh until Sam turned back to him, eyes wide and curious. “Is that something you want?” Sam said. “Kids?”

           Dean shrugged. “Maybe? Once I’m ready to settle down.”

           Sam snorted. “Dean, you’re almost forty. If you haven’t settled down yet—”

           “I know,” Dean snapped. He felt bad about it immediately but Sam didn’t even flinch. He had squinted his eyes and was watching the defence line do crappy push-ups. Dean cleared his throat to get his attention again. “I might want kids someday. And if I can’t get pregnant, and my partner can’t get pregnant or doesn’t want to get pregnant, then… then what am I supposed to do if I’ve had so many stupid fucking abortions that I can’t do it again?”

           Sam’s eyes softened and he reached out to grip Dean’s shoulder. “There’s always adoption.”

           Dean let out a humourless laugh. “That would mean carrying this fucking thing for nine months.”

           “So?”

           “So,” Dean said, “that would mean telling the father.”

           Sam frowned. “Who’s the father?”

           Dean looked away. He wanted to swallow his tongue. He wanted to rewind the conversation for a few minutes so he could come up with a better argument against adoption, against being pregnant for nine months, so that he didn’t wind up here. He closed his eyes for a second, willing the rewind into reality.

           “Who?” Sam repeated.

           Dean sighed and kicked the ground. “You don’t want to know.”

           “You didn’t.”

           Dean looked up. He wasn’t surprised Sam was furious – of course Sam was fucking furious. Cas was a friend of both of them. Cas’ kid was on the fucking football team. Cas had a boyfriend and a life and they’d had an unspoken agreement for some time that Dean wasn’t allowed to fuck up Cas’ life because of his libido. But he was surprised to find that Sam looked worried, scared even. It made his own fear bubble in his stomach.

           “Dean,” Sam said, steady, “tell me you didn’t.”

           “It seemed like a fucking good idea at the time, all right?”

           “And now what the fuck are you going to do?” Sam sighed and shook his head. “You had to fuck him and you couldn’t even be bothered with a condom and now you can’t get an abortion and what, Dean? Are you just going to tell him you’re carrying his baby? Because we both know exactly what he’s going to do when he finds that out.”

           Dean swallowed hard. He did know exactly what Cas would do. Cas was a good guy. He’d married Kelly when she got pregnant. He had sat with Dean while he’d taken multiple pregnancy tests throughout his life. When he’d given Jack the birds and the bees talk, he’d reminded him several times to take responsibility for his actions – no matter how scary that was. Cas would give up his life for him in a second. He would give up his life for the baby.

           Dean opened his mouth, unsure exactly what he was going to say, when he noticed Jack standing a few feet away. He nodded his chin towards him and Sam turned.

           “What?” Sam snapped, harsher than usual.

           Jack flinched but then took a step forward. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to interrupt.” He swallowed heavily. Dean wondered how much of the conversation he had heard. “But, uh…” He scratched the back of his neck. “Coach, you didn’t tell us what to do when we finished the drills? We were just… wondering.”

           Sam glanced over at Dean. Dean waved him on and Sam stepped out onto the field, clapping his hands and shouting to get everyone’s attention. But Jack stayed rooted to the spot, staring at Dean.

           “Go on,” Dean said. “You don’t want to get my brother pissed.”

           Jack nodded but still didn’t move.

           “What?”

           “I just…” Jack fiddled his thumbs and looked down at the grass. He took a deep breath. “For what it’s worth, I think you’d be a great dad.”

           Dean stared at him, unable to come up with the words to reply to that. Jack ran off before he thought of anything. Maybe he should have told him not to tell his father. Maybe he should have cleared up exactly what Jack had overheard. Fear and nausea rumbled in his stomach and, before Sam could return, Dean headed back to his truck.

Cas turned off the burners on the stove just as the garlic started to get that distinct burnt smell. He bit into his bottom lip and moved the pan. He told himself it would be fine. He told himself that a lot these days.

           He wiped off his hands on the kitchen towel as he tried to think about what he needed to do next. Set the table? Pour the milk? He couldn’t think over the racket of Jack’s music in the room above – Dean must have gotten him hooked on old rock music because that was the only decent reason for the absolute chaos of drums rattling through the walls. Cas sighed and picked up his phone. He sent Jack a quick text telling him to shut it the hell off and come down to dinner.

           Parker walked into the kitchen halfway through undoing his tie. He pressed a kiss to Cas’ cheek. “What’s for dinner, Cas?”

           “What’s it look like?” Cas snapped. Parker stepped away from him and Cas closed his eyes, biting back a sigh. “Sorry. Long day.”

           “Big sale?”

           “Ran out of ramen. And you know every university student in the world goes grocery shopping on fucking Wednesday.”

           “Swear jar,” Jack said as he walked into the kitchen. He reached around Cas and picked out a tomato from the stir fry. He popped it into his mouth, continued to speak as he chewed, “Unless I’m allowed to say fuck now.”

           “Swear jar,” Cas and Parker said in unison.

           “Him first.” Jack flopped down at the kitchen table.

           “I told you to set that,” Cas said.

           Jack looked back at him blankly as he started to butter a slice of bread.

           With a sigh, Cas slammed open a cabinet and pulled out the plates. He set the table efficiently, his fingers moving without his mind catching up to what he was doing, and then he doled out the food. Parker slumped into his chair, sighing as he brushed a hand through his close-cropped hair. Cas tossed the frying pan in the sink and then sat down himself before stabbing at the food.

           “Aren’t we going to say grace?” Jack said.

           “Shut up and eat,” Cas said. He didn’t bother to look up to see whatever expression Jack was giving him, whatever false shock was filling his eyes. Usually, when Jack was in a mood, Cas would take the time to coax it out of him, to get to the bottom of the problem, to make him feel better. But tonight, he didn’t even have the urge to do those things, just the nagging guilt that Kelly would want him to.

           Parker filled the silence by regaling them all with tales of the case he was working on. Cas let his voice float in one ear and out the other. The weird thing was, he didn’t even have anything on his mind. He couldn’t remember thinking all day. All he had was a layer of irritation on his skin like a thin shield from whatever real emotions he should be feeling. He packed food into his mouth without tasting it, without feeling it, and chewed dutifully.

           When Parker’s story finished, he smiled and looked around the table. “Anyone else want to share from their day?”

           Cas glanced over at him. “You’ve barely touched your food.”

           “It’s a little bitter.”

           “A lot,” Jack said.

           Parker shot him a disapproving look and then reached out to squeeze Cas’ shoulder. “Still good.”

           Jack grunted.

           “You two can cook any time,” Cas mumbled through a mouthful. He didn’t want to fight. He didn’t want to get annoyed. A heavy sense of fatigue fell onto his shoulders and he felt he might collapse under its weight.

           “I have something interesting to share,” Jack said, sounding every bit like a defiant asshole.

           “If it’s rude, forget it,” Cas said. “And if it’s why you’re in such a bad mood, please get it the fuck off your chest so we can have a pleasant evening.”

           “Why are you in a bad mood?” Jack countered.

           “I don’t know,” Cas replied honestly. He dropped his fork and swallowed the last bite in his mouth. Finally, he tasted it and they were both right – it was bitter. “Why are you in a bad mood?”

           Jack looked him in the eye. It felt like it was the first time he’d done it that night and it might have been. His eyes were soft and blue like Kelly’s and Cas immediately felt bad for snapping at him. He was a teenager. He had every right to act like an asshole. God knows Cas acted like Satan when he was Jack’s age.

           Cas reached forward and squeezed Jack’s hand where it lay on the table. “What’s up, buddy?”

           Jack clenched his jaw and shook his head. “It doesn’t make any sense. It’s stupid.”

           Cas glanced towards Parker but Parker was already getting to his feet. He winked at Cas, patted Jack on the back, and then disappeared into the next room. After a few seconds, the soft static of the evening news floated back to them.

           “You wanna tell me now?” Cas asked.

           “It’s about Dean.”

           Cas resisted the urge to sigh. “What about Dean?”

           “It told you. It’s stupid.” Jack pulled his hand back and crossed his arms. “Can I go to my room now? I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want another lecture on how he’s not my dad and you’re sorry you let me feel that way but that I have to understand and—”

           “Jack,” Cas cut him off. He shifted, scraping the chair legs across the wood floors, and leaned forward. “You are my son and I love you. And if you don’t want me to say any of those things again, I won’t. I get that you see Dean as a father figure. It’s okay.”

           Jack chewed on his bottom lip. “Yeah. Okay.”

           “Can you tell me what happened?” Cas mentally ran through a quick list of all the things Dean could possibly do to upset Jack. He had a sneaking suspicion this was all his fault. No matter how cool Dean pretended to be about the whole thing, Cas knew something was wrong between them. “Did Dean… did he get mad at you?”

           “No. Nothing like that.”

           “Then what?”

           “I guess… I guess it just finally hit me today that he’s never going to be my dad. That you two aren’t in love and you never will be and that I’ll never have a normal fucking family.”

           Cas felt his heart stutter to a stop. He licked his lips. “Parker—”

           “Parker doesn’t give a shit about me,” Jack said. “Yeah, he’s nice enough and he buys me stuff, I guess, but he’s not my dad.”

           “You told him you didn’t need another one.”

           “Because I’ve got two!”

           Cas lost use of his tongue.

           A tear slipped out of Jack’s eyes and he brushed it away quickly. “Whatever,” he said, getting to his feet, sniffling. “It doesn’t matter anymore, does it? It’s not going to happen. You have Parker and Dean has whoever’s baby he’s having and I have no one.” He tossed his almost full plate into the sink, the porcelain shattering, and stormed out of the kitchen.

           Some part of Cas’ brain urged him to go after him. Kelly would never leave him like that, never let him go to bed angry, and the guilt of ignoring Kelly’s ghost ate away at his stomach. But Cas couldn’t move. He mentally rewound the days, followed the timeline, and tried to tell himself that there was no guarantee the baby was his. How many people would Dean have slept with in that time? But Cas knew better. He knew Dean had a girlfriend before him. He knew Dean had been busy after him. He knew.

“You’ve been quiet,” Parker said as he looked up from his book.

           Cas glanced up at him, struggling with all the words inside of him, all the things he needed to say, all the things he didn’t want to say. Parker looked so good there. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d entered his bedroom at night and Parker had already been there sitting, reading, his glasses halfway down his nose and his chest bare. Cas gave himself one last moment appreciating those abs.

           “I can put down the book, if you want.” Parker smiled.

           Cas wanted so badly to smile back. He so badly wanted easy back. Sure, Parker wasn’t perfect and he was never around but he was real and he loved him and he loved Jack. Cas hadn’t had anything so easy, so effortless, since he had Kelly. He missed it.

           Parker set down the book and leaned forward. He patted the mattress beside him. “What’s wrong?” he said. “You have that look on your face like when you ran over that cat.”

           “You said you’d stop reminding me of that.” Cas sighed and took a seat at the foot of the bed. He reached out on instinct and started to massage Parker’s feet. With a pleasurable sound, Parker leaned back into the pillow and let his eyes close. “I do need to talk to you,” Cas said.

           “So talk.”

           Cas bit his bottom lip. Even though Paker’s eyes were closed, he looked away from him. “Dean’s pregnant.”

           “And?”

           “And…” Cas tried to swallow the bile in his throat, the urge to vomit all over everything. He let Parker’s foot slip from his hands. “It’s mine.”

           A terrible silence followed. Cas could hear every sound the big house made – the creaks of the floorboards, the hum of the central heating, the ghost of Jack’s music in the next room. He could even hear Parker’s steady breathing. After what felt like a small eternity, Cas looked up to meet his boyfriend’s eyes.

           Parker was trying not to laugh.

           “You’re not mad?” Cas said.

           “That you’re banging Dean behind my back?” Parker chuckled and leaned forward. He took Cas’ face in his hands and kissed him. “You don’t think I’ve known that since I met the guy?”

           “I’m not…” Cas pulled away, shaking his head. “I’m not banging Dean. It was once. One time. That’s it.”

           “Then how are you even sure it’s yours?”

           “I just… I am.”

           Parker let out a heavy exhale and shook his head but said nothing. His eyes flicked over to his book like the conversation was boring him and he’d rather be reading.

           Cas stared at him. “Are you seriously not upset?”

           “Should I be?”

           “I just told you I cheated on you, that I got another man pregnant, and you’re… laughing.”

           Parker shrugged. “We’re in an open relationship.”

           “We most certainly are not.”

           Parker stared at him for a long moment, seeming genuinely shocked for the first time that night. Cas felt his heart sink right into his feet. Parker moved his legs in, finally sitting upright, and said, “We are. We definitely are. Where do you think I am all the time? What do you think I do at night?”

           “You’re cheating on me?”

           “It’s not cheating! We’re gay.”

           “It’s still cheating!” Cas stood up abruptly and started to pace. He dragged his fingers through his hair. “I’m not… we’re not… that’s not who I am, Parker! I’ve always been a one person guy. I always will be. And you’ve been… you’ve thought… who else did you think I was sleeping with?”

           “Other than Dean?” Parker shrugged. “I just thought it was something we didn’t talk about. When I told you about Oliver, you said you didn’t want to hear about it and I just assumed—”

           “I thought Oliver was your ex!”

           Parker pursed his lips and swung his legs off the bed. Slowly, carefully, he padded across the floor to catch Cas as he paced. He placed his hands on Cas’ arms and started to rub them gently. “Look, I’m sorry. I honestly thought you knew. I thought we had an understanding.”

           Cas threw him off and took a step back. “That’s disgusting. You’re disgusting.”

           Parker sighed. “Plenty of people have open relationships.”

           “I have a son,” Cas said. “I had a wife. We have this house and a life and I thought…” Cas trailed off, swallowing all thought of engagements and marriages and more children with Parker. He couldn’t even feel his heart anymore. It was like it had gone numb. “I thought this was real.”

           “It is real.”

           “I’m not…” Cas sighed and buried his face in his hands. He forced himself to take a deep breath. “I’m sorry that I gave you the wrong impression. I’m sorry that I did whatever I did to make you think that this is what I want but it’s not what I want. I want monogamy and a marriage and a home for my son and I want to be a good example for him and I can’t… I can’t do this.”

           Parker frowned. “What do you mean?”

           “I mean I need you to leave.”

           Parker stared at him for a long moment, seemingly frozen in place. Cas wished he could freeze him in place, freeze this moment in place, go back in time and not even tell Parker about Dean. If he had swallowed his feelings and his thoughts and his beliefs, he could have kissed Parker’s chest and his lips and be well on his way to a good night’s sleep right now. Instead, he felt like he’d never sleep again. He already knew he’d spend the rest of the night re-examining his entire relationship with Parker, trying to see where he went wrong, what he’d done to give the impression that he wanted to be in an open relationship.

           Parker took a step back. He picked up his book. “Okay,” he said. “Okay, I’ll… I’ll sleep on the couch and I’ll be out by noon.”

           He was halfway out the door by the time Cas managed to mumble, “Thank you,” and he was gone before Cas fell asleep.

Dean rolled out from under the truck to take a breath of fresh air. He could feel his lungs working through the grease, his chest heaving. He had a momentary thought for the well-being of the baby but then he shook it off. It’s not like it mattered. Whether he wanted the thing or not, he couldn’t tell Cas so he couldn’t keep it.

           “Dean?”

           Speak of the devil.

           Dean turned his head towards the front of the garage and saw Cas’ silhouette framed in the midday sun. He lifted a hand to shield his eyes, took a deep breath to steady himself, and called out, “What? Needed to see me all sweaty to ruin those daydreams?”

           “Can you not joke?” Cas said.

           There was something about his voice that made Dean’s blood run cold. He dropped the wrench in his hand, sat up, and grabbed for the rag he’d set on the ground earlier. He wiped off his hands and then offered one to Cas. “Help me up?”

           Cas did so and then let go abruptly.

           Dean frowned at him. “What’s up?”

           “I don’t know why you didn’t tell me,” Cas said starting the conversation in the middle. Dean blinked, at a loss. Cas continued, “I don’t know why you think I wouldn’t want to know or that I wouldn’t help or that I wouldn’t… care.”

           “Can you be a little more specific?”

           “Dean, I don’t know what you want from me.” Cas sighed. “And I don’t even know what you think of me and it makes it really hard to be standing here asking if you’re okay, if you need anything, if you want me involved.”

           “Involved?”

           Cas bit his bottom lip.

           Dean shifted his stance, trying to catch Cas’ eye. When he couldn’t, he reached out and grabbed on to his shoulder, pulling him closer. Finally, Cas looked up at him with sad, wide blue eyes. Dean chuckled, to lighten the tension. “If you’re going to be mad at me, or whatever this is, can you at least let me know what it’s about?”

           “Jack told me.”

           “Jack told you what?”

           Cas took a deep breath and his face settled into hard lines. “That you’re pregnant.”

           Dean let his hand drop. Without really meaning to, he took a step back. “Oh. That.”

           “Yeah, that.” Cas stepped forward. Now he was trying to meet Dean’s eyes but Dean busied himself at the tool bench, trying to sort the hodgepodge of wrenches that his boss swore had rightful places on the hooks. Cas stopped a step or two behind him but Dean could still feel his presence, hear his breathing. “Why wouldn’t you tell me?”

           Dean shrugged. “Because it’s not a big deal? Because I don’t tell ninety percent of the guys who knock me up?”

           “I’m your best friend.”

           “So?” Dean turned around. He had forgotten to take a breath, forgotten to steady himself, and looking into Cas’ eyes, he knew he didn’t have complete control over his expression. He tried for cold, distant, but maybe he looked as scared as he felt. “Best friend or not, you were still just a one night stand. What would you care?”

           “I care.”

           “You said it was a mistake. You said forget about it.” Dean leaned back against the bench. “So that’s exactly what I’m going to do.”

           Cas stared at him for a long moment and then shook his head. “I didn’t do that alone. You agreed it was a onetime thing, that it could never happen again. We weren’t… we aren’t…” Cas swallowed hard. “I don’t know what you want from me.”

           “I don’t want anything from you. That’s why I didn’t tell you.”

           “Well, tough shit. I’m your friend. I’m the father. I want to help.”

           “You have a life, Cas. You have a boyfriend.”

           “I don’t have a boyfriend anymore.”

           Dean felt a stupid spark of hope in his chest, something he knew he had to crush fast. He bit down hard on his tongue and summoned all the stupidity he had in him, all the anger. He channelled all his grief into madness and snapped, “So you found out I was pregnant and thought, what? ‘Better marry him, too. Better prove I’m a good fucking guy all over again.’ You thought, ‘I’ll just do the right thing and dump my boyfriend for my best friend who I fucked because he’s slutty and a good lay’? Was that your logic, Cas? You thought you’d just marry the next poor sap you knocked up?”

           Cas shook his head. “That’s not fair.”

           “Couldn’t marry Parker.” Dean threw his hands up. “Because he fucked you. And you can only marry people that you knock u—”

           Cas slammed Dean back into the tool bench, his hand half-wrapped around Dean’s throat, fire in his eyes. His teeth bared, he hissed, “Don’t you fucking dare talk about Kelly like that.”

           Dean shoved Cas off and straightened his shirt collar. “You know I’m right.”

           “You’re not right! Do you see me proposing? Do you see me down on one knee?” Cas shouted. He turned away for a moment, biting his fist. Dean could feel himself shaking, could feel hot tears in his eyes but he held them back by force of will. Cas let out a heavy breath. “So what if I want to do the right thing? You’re my best friend. I want to make sure you’re okay, that you’re taken care of. That’s all.”

           “I don’t want you to take care of me.” The lie sounded thin even to his own ears. “You have your own life, Cas. I don’t want to screw that up because we got drunk and fucked.”

           Cas deflated. Dean watched him do it, watched the anger leach out of him. He resisted the urge to rub the sore spot on his neck, to wring apologies out of Cas. Cas took one step forward, then another. “It’s not screwing up my life,” he whispered. “It’s whatever you want to do. I want to help.”

           “And what if I keep it? Then what?”

           Cas shrugged. “We figure it out.”

           “We co-parent?”

           “We did it with Jack.”

           Dean couldn’t stop the sob that broke through his chest. He turned away almost immediately but Cas’ hand touched his back and he had to close his eyes against it all. He shook his head. “I can’t, Cas. I can’t do it again. I won’t.”

           “Won’t do what?”

           “Play pretend.” Dean gasped out the words. He braced his hands against the tool bench and forced himself to breathe. He licked his lips. “How much of that night do you remember?”

           “All of it.”

           Dean refused to let his breath catch at that. He bent further into himself, forced his voice to steady. “So what do you think I meant when I said I couldn’t do this with you? That I’d been good about not doing it with you?”

           “That you hadn’t fucked me yet because we’re friends.”

           “I’d hadn’t fucked you yet because I’m in love with you.” Dean whirled around, the words leaving his lips before he could stop them. And when he saw the shock on Cas’ face, the ice in his expression, Dean’s brain whirled for ways to backpedal. But his lips kept moving. “Every day, every night, that I didn’t fuck you, was like this little victory because it meant I loved you enough to let you go. It meant I loved you enough that I didn’t have to fuck you, to have you. I could let you have a real life, have Kelly, have Jack, have Parker and you wouldn’t have to deal with me. Because we both know that in love or not, I can’t make shit work out in my life. I can’t fix anything, I can’t be anything, and I sure as hell don’t deserve you. So every time I didn’t do it, didn’t kiss you, didn’t touch you, it was a victory. It was how I knew somewhere, somehow, I was still a good guy deep down.”

           Cas licked his lips. “Dean…”

           “Don’t say it.” Dean scrubbed a hand down his face. “Because now I’ve fucking done it and what does that mean? It means I can’t even fucking love you right.”

           Cas opened his mouth again but nothing came out.

           Dean shook his head. “Don’t say anything, okay? Just leave. Just forget about it. Just do all the hundred things you said you were going to do the morning after when you broke my fucking heart.”

           Silence. Then, in the smallest voice Dean had ever heard, “I didn’t mean to.”

           Dean chuckled. “Yeah. I know.”

           Cas took a step backwards, towards the door of the garage, then stopped. “Are we… I mean…” He took a deep breath. “Are we still friends?”

           “I don’t know, Cas.”

           After what felt like an eternity, Cas gave a curt nod and turned for the door. Dean turned away, unable to watch him leave. Instead, he stared at his knuckles going white around the edge of the tool bench and counted his breaths, counted his heartbeats, just to remind himself he was still alive.

When Cas got home, he felt like he didn’t exist anymore. He went through the motions of shrugging off his jacket, hanging up his keys, and dropping his briefcase. He even remembered to change out of the grocery store vest and put it in the closet. But the whole time he couldn’t feel his fingers, couldn’t remember the last thing he did, couldn’t form a coherent thought. He ended up staring at the wall until Jack came home.

           He stared at the wall until a knock came at the door to his bedroom. He forced himself to blink. He ran a hand through his hair. With a sigh, he said, “Come in.”

           Jack poked his head in. “You didn’t pick me up after practice.”

           “Sorry.” Cas shot his son a weak, apologetic smile. His eyes glazed over him, not really seeing him, and for a painful second, he wished he looked more like Kelly. Jack looked so much like him that sometimes it was like looking at photos of his younger self. And he supposed Jack not looking like Kelly was a blessing, less painful, but sometimes he wished he could see her more clearly in her son.

           Jack took a step into the room, twisting his fingers. “Are you all right?”

           “You don’t have to worry about me.”

           “I know. But I do.” Jack looked around the room. “Haven’t seen Parker today.”

           “He’s gone.”

           Jack nodded slowly, his eyes still wandering around the space. It looked the same to Cas – same golden yellow walls, same white floral comforter, same cherry wood furniture – but Jack said, “It seems emptier,” and for the first time, Cas thought about how much stuff Parker had. His cologne was gone from the dresser, his brushes, his sprays. The books and reading glasses and old water cups he left on the bedside table were gone. His jackets on the back of the door, his slacks laid neatly on the back of the green armchair, his stupid collection of hats that he never wore, all gone.

           Cas saw the room through new eyes, saw how little of it was him, saw what people must think of him. He was empty and aimless and he had no obsessions, no habits, no signs he lived in a place. How could anyone love someone like that? How could someone as animated and alive as Dean love someone like him?

           “I heard some of the fight last night,” Jack said.

           Cas narrowed his eyes at him. “How much?”

           Jack shrugged. “Have you talked to Dean yet?”

           “Yes.”

           “And?” Jack brightened, the one word filled with so much hope and joy and inflection that Cas’ heart broke a little.

           He shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about it.” He turned towards the dresser and looked in the mirror. He hated his reflection – the unshaven stubble, the dark circles under his eyes, the wrinkles creasing his forehead.

           “Why not?” Jack stepped forward. He still sounded happy. “If the baby is yours, if you slept with Dean—”

           “You heard what part of the conversation exactly?” Cas snapped, a little sharper than he intended.

           Jack barrelled forward. “I don’t see how this isn’t a good thing. You two are having a baby. You’re going to be a family, finally. How isn’t this a good thing?”

           “It doesn’t… work like that.”

           “Why not?”

           “Because we’re not together. Because we’re not in love.”

           “That’s just bullshit!” Jack shouted. He had the audacity to look outraged like Cas was hurting him, like Cas meant to do this to him. “You don’t love him? He practically lived here when I was a kid! I thought he was my goddamn dad!”

           “I’m sorry! How many fucking times do I have to tell you I’m sorry about that?” Cas felt the anger in his throat, in his stomach, like an acid eating away at his patience. He glared at his son, unable to control himself. “I’m sorry, Jack. I’m sorry that letting Dean stay here, that letting him help raise you, made you think he was your dad. He’s not. He’s never going to be.”

           “Why not?”

           “Because he’s not my boyfriend.”

           “You fucked him!”

           “Unfortunately the world isn’t that cut and dry, Jack! Unfortunately not everyone I’m attracted to or everyone I fuck is going to become your father. Unfortunately that’s not the way the world works.” Cas huffed out a breath. “And I’m sorry you’re attached to him and I’m sorry this hurts you and I’m sorry you’re confused, but throwing this little hissy fit isn’t going to change things. He’s not going to be coming around here anymore.”

           Jack scoffed. “What? You knock a guy up and then you’re just no longer his friend? You’d ditch him like that? It’s not his fucking fault you can’t be bothered to use a condom.”

           “It wasn’t like that,” Cas hissed.

           “Then what was it like? What happened? What could he have done to make you be so fucking awful to a man you claim is your best fucking friend? A man who helped raise me? A man you fucked for fun while in a relationship with someone else? Good fucking example there, too, Dad. I’ll make sure to keep that one in mind when I—”

           “Shut up!” Cas yelled. He took a step towards Jack but stopped himself when Jack scrambled backwards too fast. Cas bit down on his bottom lip too hard and felt the skin tear. “You wanna know what happened? Dean said he loves me. He’s always loved me.”

           Jack stared at him for a long moment. Deflated, he whispered, “Then what’s the problem?”

           “I don’t love him,” Cas said. “Not like that.”

           “Bullshit.”

           “It’s not… it’s not bullshit, Jack.” Cas heaved in a breath and took a gentler step towards his son. Jack still backed off, crossing his arms against his chest and curling in on himself. “I married your mother because I loved her. I still love and miss her. I asked Parker to move in because I loved him. I wish I didn’t still love him.” Cas tried to bite back a sob but didn’t quite manage it. “I slept with Dean because… because it’s felt like something that’s needed to happen for my whole life. He’s attractive. I care about him. We’re both into men but… I don’t love him. I don’t want to be with him.”

           “Even if he has your kid?” Jack’s voice broke.

           Cas wanted to reach out to him, to hug him, but he just nodded. This part of Kelly he recognized in his son – the need to physically separate herself from the thing causing her pain. “I’ll help out if he wants to keep it. But I’m not… I can’t be with Dean.”

           “Why not?”

           “We have different lives.” Cas could hear the weakness of his own argument. He could feel his heart breaking and cracking with every lie he told. Of course he loved Dean. Of course he wanted to be with him. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I’m not in love with him. I never will be.”

           Jack broke into a sob and his back hit the wall. Cas tried to step toward him, to comfort him, but Jack scrambled out of the room before he even got close. He slammed the door behind him. And Cas stood still, stood frozen, trying to convince himself that he was still doing what was best for his kid, what was best for him, what was best for Dean.

           Dean had been right. Loving him and staying away from him was the best thing he ever did. And Cas knew the best thing he could do was pretend that he didn’t love him back and let the whole thing get swept under the rug. In a week, Dean would have someone new. In a month, Cas would put himself back out there. In less than a year, Jack would be off at college and he wouldn’t need two dads anymore. He wouldn’t need any at all.

Dean stared at the unopen beer on the counter. If he opened it, he was aborting the baby. If he didn’t, he was keeping it. He had been staring at it so long beads of condensation dripped down the glass leaving a neat ring on the kitchen counter.

           A knock came at his door. Dean frowned. The bell from the outer door hadn’t gone off and he hadn’t buzzed anyone in. It happened sometimes – the college kids who lived in the building had drunk friends who apparently couldn’t read damn numbers when their vision went blurry. Dean continued his staring contest with the beer.

           Then the knocking came more rapidly. Dean sighed and turned away, ready to give the kids directions to wherever their asshole friends really lived. But when he opened the door, it wasn’t a pack of drunk college students. It was Jack with a stuffed backpack and tears trailing down his cheeks.

           Before Dean could get a word out, Jack said, “Can I come in? There’s someone screaming down the hall.”

           Dean poked his head out and heard the echoes. He swore and ushered Jack into his apartment before shutting the door and locking it. “Don’t worry about it,” he said as he turned back to Jack. He swiped his hands over his lips. “It’s just Jerry. He’s a bit of a mental case.”

           “Shouldn’t he be in the hospital?”

           Dean shrugged. “Shouldn’t you be in school? Or…” He glanced up at the microwave clock, astounded by how much time he had wasted. The whole apartment was getting dark, the sun long gone, and Dean flicked a light switch. “At home?”

           “I ran away.”

           Dean snorted his laugh. He couldn’t quite make the actual sound as he reached for his phone. “Good move, kid. Run away to the one person guaranteed to call your dad the second you show up. Great plan.” His thumb flicked over to Cas’ name.

           “You’d still call him?” Jack said. “After everything?”

           Dean raised his eyes to look at the kid. He cocked an eyebrow. “You’re his kid and you ran away.”

           Jack shrugged. “He knocked you up and now you’re not speaking.”

           Dean locked his phone but kept it in the palm of his hand as his lips thinned into a line. He stared at Jack for a long moment. “How’d you know that?” he said. “Did he tell you?”

           “Sort of. I kinda just put it together.”

           Dean sighed. “Is that why you ran away?”

           “I guess.” Jack shifted from one foot to the other. “I just wanted to know what you two were gonna do about the baby and he started shouting at me, saying you’re not my father, that you two aren’t going to be together just because I want you to be, that he doesn’t love you.” Dean flinched and Jack added, “I don’t believe that last part.”

           Dean flipped his phone over in his hand. “He has a right to be mad. You can’t just make adults do what you want them to.”

           “Why not? They’re always trying to make me do what they want.”

           “Touché.”

           Jack looked around the room, his eyes wandering from one corner to the next, cataloguing the place. His eyes rested on the beer. “You know you can’t drink when you’re pregnant, right?”

           “I do.”

           “Can I have it then?”

           “And I’ll explain to Cas why you’re drunk?” Dean brushed past him and picked up the beer. He swung open the door to the fridge and placed it carefully inside. “Nice try, kid.”

           “Did you know my mom?”

           Dean turned to him, silent.

           “Dad never really talks about her,” Jack said. “Even after he sat me down and explained you weren’t my dad, that I had a mom, he never really… told me about her. I have those videos she made. I guess she was really sick when she was pregnant with me but… they’re mostly just her telling me I’m a good person, that she can feel it. I think she was… she was kinda losing it at that point.”

           “Yeah,” Dean said. He didn’t want to have this conversation. He thought Cas had had it a long time ago. Biting his bottom lip, he turned back to the fridge and brought the beer back out. He slid it across the counter to Jack. “Sit down.”

           Jack took a seat on one of the stools and fiddled with the beer. He didn’t open it or ask for a bottle opener as Dean paced the small kitchen space before settling to stand in front of Jack.

           “Kelly was a sweet girl,” Dean said. “A little religious, a little rebellious. A bit of a preacher’s daughter fantasy.” He swallowed hard and looked down at the counter. “Cas met her in a religious studies class and he loved her before he even knew her name. Said it felt like… destiny.”

           Jack placed his hand over Dean’s. “Is this hard for you to talk about?”

           Dean smiled and shook his head. “Kelly was the right person for your dad. She was happy and motivated and a little crazy. When she found out she was pregnant… she had named you before the timer was even up on the test. And then she started getting ready for you to come into the world before her first trimester was over, even though all the doctors told her not to. She was at high-risk for a miscarriage because of some family history. Cas was worried sick about her. He wanted… he begged her to rethink keeping you. Not because he didn’t want you but because he didn’t want to lose Kelly.”

           Jack swallowed hard. He pulled away, cracked the top of the beer, and said, “I didn’t know that,” before guzzling down a quarter of the bottle’s contents.

           Dean pulled the bottle away gently. “He loves you so fucking much, Jack. Kelly loved you more than anything in the world and Cas wouldn’t dare resent you when it wasn’t what she wanted.”

           Jack nodded shakily.

           “She was on bed rest by her fourth month of pregnancy. And by the fifth, she was talking about how you were a powerful prophet and the son of an angel.” Dean swallowed. “The psychiatrists couldn’t find the right mix of pills that put you at little enough risk that she would take them. By the last trimester, she was so sick she could barely move. She ate only because she knew you needed the nutrients. I… I spent every fucking night at your house because Kelly wouldn’t sleep and Cas couldn’t stop crying and it was the hardest fucking month of my life.”

           Dean blinked back the tears in his eyes. “When she died… you weren’t born yet. I know Cas always said she died in labour, after labour, whatever. But she died about a week before your due date. They cut you out of her.”

           Dean took Jack’s hand again and squeezed it tight. “Breathe,” he reminded him. “I didn’t stay to take care of you because I wanted to or Cas asked me to help. I mean, of course I wanted to, but… Cas wasn’t getting out of bed when you were crying. He couldn’t feed you. He was scared to touch you.”

           “He didn’t want me,” Jack whispered.

           “No. No, not at all.” Dean licked his lips, trying to think of the way to explain it, trying to remember how Cas had explained it to him. “He thought if… if he did it wrong, if he held you wrong, if he fed you wrong… he was terrified he was going to kill you. He was so scared to do it wrong because he knew Kelly had died for you. She loved you more than she loved herself and he wasn’t going to be able to forgive himself if he fucked you up, if he hurt you. So I bought him the books, showed him the YouTube tutorials, taught him how I raised Sam. And that’s why I didn’t leave before you were old enough to try to figure things out, old enough to think I was your dad, your family. Because Cas was scared. And I didn’t take care of Kelly, I didn’t protect her. I didn’t think I could. Maybe I couldn’t have. But I could protect you. I could stop Cas from losing you.”

           Dean’s throat felt dry and his eyes felt wet. He was aware he was gripping Jack’s fingers too tight but he couldn’t let them go. A weight had settled on his heart but it also felt like a different one had lifted.

           “You really do love him,” Jack said. “Don’t you?”

           “Of course.” Dean smiled. “I’m always going to love him.”

           “And you’re going to have his baby?”

           “Maybe.”

           Jack nodded. “I know you’re mad at him. I know you… can be mad at him. That you have a reason to be. But… I think you need to forgive him. I think you need to invite him in. I don’t think he’s going to come to the right conclusion on his own.”

           “And what’s the right conclusion?”

           “That he loves you. That he wants this.”

           Dean shook his head. “He doesn’t.”

           “He does.” Jack took another sip of the beer. “I think he’s just… he’s afraid you’re gonna replace my mom. I think that’s the only reason he asked you to leave in the first place.”

           Dean considered that. He’d never thought about it that way. He just thought he’d run out of usefulness, that Cas had stopped being scared, that Cas didn’t want his son thinking he was his dad. Slowly, Dean nodded and stood up to his full height, his hand slipping from Jack’s. “I’m gonna call him now.”

           “Okay.”

           “Don’t move.” Dean stepped out of the kitchen and hit Cas’ number. He held the phone to his ear and held his breath.

           “Dean,” Cas said, sounding relieved and stressed all at the same time. “Now’s not really a good time.” Doors slammed on the other end of the line. Floorboards creaked under Cas’ feet.

           “He’s here,” Dean said.

           “What?”

           “Jack.” Dean swallowed. “He’s here. He showed up… twenty minutes ago. I would have called sooner, I just—”

           “Fuck.” Cas let out a heavy breath. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Dean. I know you don’t… I mean, I know…” He groaned. “Look. I can be there in ten minutes to pick him up.”

           Dean hesitated. “Don’t.”

           “What?”

           “Look, every time my dad found Sam two seconds after he ran away, he wouldn’t stick around very long. Give the kid a while to cool off. He can crash on the couch.”

           “Are you sure?”

           “Yeah. Yeah, I’ll see you in the morning.” Dean hung up the phone before Cas could protest or apologize or thank him. Hearing Cas’ voice was hard enough right now without it being breathless and broken. He turned back into the kitchen to see Jack watching him, the beer in his hands but still nearly full.

           “Thanks,” Jack said, quiet. “I’ll stay out of your hair.”

           Dean shook his head. He stepped forward and tousled Jack’s hair. “For the record, kid, I really do wish I was your dad. I just don’t think it’s ever gonna happen.”

Cas’ hands shook as he hit the buzzer on Dean’s apartment building. It was early still – the sun had just come up and birds were singing – but Cas had to be at work in an hour and Jack needed to go to school. The door buzzed in return and he let out a sigh of relief – part of him hadn’t believed Dean would be awake this early.

           He made his way up the familiar staircase. The place hadn’t changed since he’d helped Dean move in eleven years ago. The same dings were still in the walls, plus a couple new ones. The lights still crackled overhead like a fire hazard waiting to happen. Cas resisted the urge to reach out and tighten a light bulb shaking in its socket; with his luck, he’d probably be electrocuted on the spot.

           He paused at Dean’s door. He remembered shutting it behind him that first night, pausing and realizing he’d made a huge mistake. What did Cas know about being a single father? What would he ever do without Dean? Had he really panicked so badly when Jack called Dean “dad” that he’d wanted him out of the house, out of his life, away from everything? Suddenly, Cas couldn’t make himself knock.

           The door flew open. Dean held up a hand to Cas before he even got a word out and said, “Look, I’m not gonna lie, I did a bad thing. But in my defence, your kid’s a fucking lightweight.”

           Cas blinked. “What?”

           “I let him have a beer and now he’s vomiting up his stomach contents like he got high on acid at a Pink Floyd concert.”

           Panic and silence and worry washed over Cas in a big wave. Then, despite himself, he laughed. “Really? One beer?”

           “He didn’t even finish it.”

           Cas laughed harder and leaned his weight into the door frame to hold himself up. Dean smiled back at him and for one, beautiful moment, Cas forgot how awkward this was supposed to be. He forgot what Dean had told him, that Jack had ran away from home, that he needed to get to work soon. He laughed until the sound left him, then took a deep breath and smiled. “You’re a horrible baby-sitter.”

           Dean shrugged. “I was the perfect baby-sitter when he was little. Now I can at least be the cool uncle.”

           “Parent,” Cas corrected. “You’re the cool parent.”

           Dean looked at him with something between confusion and sadness.

           “I’m sorry,” Cas said, “and not just for… knocking you up and abandoning you and then acting like it was some sort of stupid obligation to take care of you. I’m sorry I didn’t give you the credit for raising Jack. I’m sorry I was such a fucking mess after Kelly died. I’m… I’m sorry I ever asked you to move out.”

           Dean shrugged, looking uncomfortable. “It was the right move.” He glanced over his shoulder as if hoping Jack would appear and cut the conversation short.

           Cas hoped the opposite. “Have you made a decision? About the baby?”

           “Yeah.” Dean rubbed his hand across the back of his neck. “I’m gonna keep it.”

           Cas nodded.

           “And, uh, ‘cause I guess you’re going to be around and all, and you’re my best friend, and this is really fucking stupid.” Dean took a deep breath and stepped back into the apartment. He gestured for Cas to come in and then closed the door behind them. Without looking back at Cas, without moving away from the door, he finished, “You can help out.”

           “It’s the least I can do,” Cas said, looking around like he’d never been in the apartment before. He just didn’t know where to look anymore. He didn’t know where was safe. “After all, you helped me out.”

           Dean smiled and Cas met his eyes. For a second, they were silent, just staring at each other, and then they fell over each other trying to apologize. Cas knew he was repeating himself, saying things he already said as he approached Dean again, but he didn’t care. He didn’t want to hear Dean say he was sorry for what he said or what he did or how he was ruining his life. He wasn’t ruining his life. He never could. But he didn’t have the words for that.

           Cas took Dean in his arms and hugged him tight. The air went out of both of them – their words cut off short – and Cas breathed in the scent of him. For once, he smelled like soap instead of grease. He pulled him in tighter, loving the feel of his arms around him, and buried his face into the crook of Dean’s neck. When he closed his eyes, he felt like he could stand there forever.

           Jack cleared his throat.

           Cas pulled back to look at him and let a smile fall across his lips. He knew some smartass comment was on his son’s lips but instead of waiting for it, he stepped towards him and hugged him as well. He kissed the top of his head. “You had me worried sick.”

           Jack grumbled as he tried to push him off. “I’m still mad at you.”

           “I know,” Cas said. “I’ll make it up to you.”

           “Breakfast?” Jack said hopefully.

           Cas sighed. “You have school. I have work.”

           “Call in sick,” Dean said. He slapped Cas on the back and then pulled him close with one arm. He really did smell good. He looked better. Cas heard his stomach grumble. “We can go to that diner on the corner you like.”

           “Dad likes a diner?” Jack said.

           “Oh yeah,” Dean said. “It used to be the only place you’d fall asleep.”

           Jack smiled a little. “The place with the yellow walls and those fly-infested lights?”

           Cas nodded. “Yeah. That one.”

           “Seems unsanitary.”

           Cas and Dean laughed. With limited commotion, they all made it out the door and started the walk down the street. Jack chattered along the way, mostly to fill the air. Cas assumed it was because he didn’t want to talk about his punishment for running away from home. He didn’t mind. Sometimes, when Jack went on like this, he could imagine Kelly was still around, telling him all the facts he didn’t know at a rapid-fire pace.

           He felt his throat getting tight as he watched the back of Jack’s head. He was two or three feet in front of them, taking long strides on his short legs. Cas reached out and took Dean’s hand in his. He didn’t know why. Their fingers curled together and he squeezed. He thought, maybe, things would be okay.

Cas had thought Kelly’s pregnancy was bad. In reality, Kelly’s pregnancy had been bad for her. Dean’s pregnancy was bad for everyone. He called at two a.m. craving ice cream and too lazy to get out of bed. He spent a whole day reading pregnancy books and then would recite facts from them with Jack like they were both studying for a test. He had vitamin schedules and colour-coded charts for what should happen when – though Cas questioned whether Dean had made those himself or Sam had put them together on his computer. And every once in a while, when a request was too outlandish or Dean hesitated before getting the words out, he got the distinct impression Dean was fucking with him for the hell of it.

           At three months, Cas managed to get Dean to agree to move in. They moved him into the guest bedroom and transformed Parker’s old office into a nursery. And Cas continually woke up to Dean in his shower, shirtless Dean wandering the halls, midnight snack Dean in nothing but his boxers. And in love or not, Cas was only a man with eyes.

           Dean got really horny in his fifth month of pregnancy. Cas didn’t notice it at first – the looks and flirtatious greetings were par for the course with Dean, always had been – but then he met him in the kitchen at one a.m. And Dean leaned against his shoulder, his lips pressing kisses into the fabric of his t-shirt, and he looked up at Cas with puppy dog eyes. And Cas, being but a weak man with eyes, kissed him.

           For as long as they could, they kept it a secret from Jack. Sneaking around in his own house was something Cas was unwaveringly fond of. The stolen touches, the kisses, sneaking Dean into his bedroom late at night. He thought they were getting away from it until one night when they were watching a movie as a family and Dean put his head on his shoulder. Cas thought it was innocent enough until Jack said, “If you guys are gonna be gross, like always, leave the room.” Dean had laughed and given Cas a kiss while Jack faked disgust.

           Cas still felt a distance between them even as Dean’s belly grew, even when he woke to the soft look in his eyes, even when they traded lazy kisses before brushing their teeth. He felt the baby kick against the palm of his hand. He saw Jack happier than he ever had been. He still felt like something was missing.

           Braxton Hicks hit them early. Too early. Cas panicked and drove Dean to the hospital at five in the morning. He tried to argue with the doctor that he didn’t care they were Braxton Hicks contractions – Dean was only eight months along, something was wrong – but the doctor wouldn’t hear him. Dean kissed his neck and told him everything was fine, to just breathe, but the fear ate Cas up inside.

           He recognized this distance like a shot to the heart. As he drove home with Dean holding his hand, he was shaking. By the time he parked the car, he was crying. Without a word, Dean pulled him into his arms and kissed his hair, waiting in the silence for an explanation.

           All Cas could manage was, “I can’t lose you too.”

           “You’re not going to lose me,” Dean said but Cas knew he couldn’t promise that.

           Dean went into labour a week early. Cas kept himself together long enough to get to the hospital, to hand him over to the doctors, and then he left the room immediately. His legs gave out under him and he started to cry in earnest. Footsteps approached him but he didn’t look up. A body settled beside him and then Jack’s hands curled over his.

           “It’s going to be okay,” Jack whispered.

           Cas shook his head. “You don’t know that.”

           “You know,” Jack said, “mom would want us to pray.”

           Cas started crying harder and Jack began to mutter a prayer under his breath, keeping the words steady and clear. He pressed his fingers harder against Cas’ hands until Cas caught his breath and started to speak the words with him. Slowly, his breath steadied and the words came easier, rhythmically, to his tongue. When they finished, Jack said, “Amen,” then added, “Mom? Please help us keep Dean.”

           Cas turned his head and kissed Jack’s temple hard, pulling his son into his side as he cried.

           Soon, they went in to see Dean who was swearing at the nurses while eating ice chips. When he saw Cas, he said, “Babe, please tell them I’m starving. I haven’t eaten since yesterday.”

           Cas chuckled and took his hand. “You can’t eat now.”

           “Fuck you.”

           Cas leaned down and kissed him. He felt calm spread through him and he whispered, “I love you.”

           Dean stared at him for a long moment. Surprise was evident in his features, the fight gone out of him for a moment. Then the contractions hit and he was swearing again and he bit out, “Do you really think now is the best fucking time to tell me that? Couldn’t have done it a week ago? A month ago? When I got pregnant with your stupid baby?”

           Cas laughed.

           “Don’t laugh at me,” Dean bit out.

           “Breathe,” Cas said.

           Jack imitated the Lamaze breathing and slowly, begrudgingly, Dean copied it. When the contraction passed, he leaned back into the bed and closed his eyes. “I love you, too,” he whispered. Cas kissed him again.

           Two days passed with Dean in labour. Cas alternated between sleeping half on Dean’s bed and dozing in the waiting room with Jack. They ate shitty cafeteria food and listened to Dean complain about ice chips. Jack went home to grab clothes and magazines and his laptop. Sam showed up halfway through Day Two with cigars for when the baby was born. Dean laughed even as Cas frowned at both of them and then sternly told Jack he was not allowed to smoke.

           “Come on,” Dean whined. “Just one, babe. For the baby.”

           “No,” Cas said. “That’s stupid.”

           Then Dean kissed him and nothing felt all that stupid anymore.

           The birth went smoothly – or as smoothly as it could go with Dean swearing at everyone and crushing Cas’ fingers in his hand – but both parent and baby were safe, happy, and healthy. Cas cried for an hour after the doctor told him everything was fine and Jack brought him back with prayers, thanking Kelly for helping them out.

           Cas went in to see Dean and their new baby girl. Dean looked up at him with a soft smile and shifted to let Cas sit beside him on the bed. Cas curled up next to him, leaned against his shoulder, needing contact, needing to make sure that Dean was real, that he was alive. He felt the final pieces of the wall break away, the last of the distance between them snap. He reached out and smoothed down the few strands of thin blonde hair on his daughter’s head. “I love you,” he whispered. “I love you both.”

           Dean kissed the side of his head. “I love you both, too.”

           “What are we going to call her?”

           “Hear me out,” Dean whispered. Cas looked into his eyes, saw the soft smile on his face. “You see, I had this sense during my pregnancy, every time anything went wrong, that Kelly was watching over us. That she didn’t want anything bad to happen to you ever again. And I thought, since she did that for us, maybe we could name the baby after her.”

           Cas couldn’t blink through his tears. He tried but everything remained blurry. Not trusting his voice, he nodded and pressed a kiss to Dean’s shoulder.

           “Kelly,” Dean repeated softly. He pulled the baby closer, kissed the top of her head. “Welcome to the family.”

[punk-is-notdead]

Fic title: Friends With Benefits? Yeah, Right..., by tfw_cas

Rating: Explicit

Tags: Dean Winchester Castiel Sam Winchester Eileen Leahy Bobby Singer Jody Mills Gabriel (Supernatural) Claire Novak Kevin Tran Ellen Harvelle Jo Harvelle Friends to Lovers Castiel/Dean Winchester First Time and second third fourth fifth time I actually lost count Clueless Dean Winchester Castiel and Dean Winchester in Love Everyone Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester Gabriel is a Little Shit Hand Jobs Blow Jobs Shower Sex Anal Sex Phone Sex Masturbation Wall Sex Smut Fluff Fluff and Smut Accidental Cuddling Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester Castiel Takes Initiative Frottage Idiots in Love

Summary: Dean and Cas have been friends for twenty years. After a drunken night of sex, to avoid those pesky feelings, Dean suggests something different. Over the next two weeks he learns that things don't always work out how you expect them to.

AO3

Written for the Destiel & Cockles Sentence Monthly Challenge  

When Dean’s mind began to drag him back into the land of the living, the first thing he became aware of was that there was someone else in bed with him. Unfortunately, he had been so wasted last night that he had no recollection of anything after about 10 pm. He had been with Cas at a bar, having a great time, and they were doing shots, then... nothing. Crap. There was no way Dean was going to remember her name - this could get really awkward. Also, he was feeling really bad that he had left Cas to get home on his own. He was going to have to do some serious apologising later, even though it wasn't the first time Dean had abandoned Cas when he had gotten lucky.

The woman next to him started to stir, and he prepared to give her one of his dazzling smiles, which he hoped would distract her from realising that he had no memory of her. As she turned around however, Dean noticed a very familiar messy head of hair, which most definitely did not belong to a woman. Cas?

Suddenly the memories came flooding back; they left the bar, holding each other up because Cas had been barely able to walk. He had stumbled and collided with Dean, who had fallen against the wall, laughing stupidly.

“Dean... Dean, are you okay? Didn wan hurt you.” Cas had crowded into his space, with a look of concern on his face, but then something between them changed and Cas’ mouth was there, and he had pressed it against Dean's, and Dean had grabbed hold of his face and kissed him back with everything he had. It was kind of messy, but - oh god - Cas had felt so good, and then they were grinding on each other against that wall, and Dean couldn't have stopped even if he wanted to. Which he absolutely did not.

Then Cas had yanked Dean's pants open, grabbed hold of his cock, and stroked it over and over, and Dean couldn't remember ever enjoying a hand job so much. He cried out as he spilled over Cas’ hand, then tried to return the favour but Cas informed him that there was no need, as he had already come in his pants while they were grinding. Dean had found that all kinds of hot.

Then they started kissing again, and it went on for a really long time, and Cas had said he was going to go home, but Dean had insisted that he was coming back with him. It's possible that they might have had more sex in Dean’s bed, before falling asleep in each other’s arms.

He lay still as he wondered what the hell all this meant for their friendship. They had been best friends for… oh, twenty years or so. Ever since the weird, dorky kid had shown up in their science class, and demanded that the teacher teach them about bees, Dean had found him completely irresistible. Their friendship had grown ever closer over the years, and it seemed that they were unable to go for more than a few days without seeing each other, for nights out, or sometimes nights in to watch movies, play games etc. Didn't mean anything, right? They were buddies... pals, and nothing more. Except they were in bed together, naked - well, Dean was naked anyway, but he didn't want to find out if Cas was - after having had sex together.

Cas turned over and smiled contentedly at Dean, who couldn't help but smile back. They gazed into each other's eyes for heated moments, until Dean felt a hand sliding up his thigh. Then he opened his mouth and said one of the stupidest things he had ever said in his life.

“Hey Cas, buddy. Last night was awesome… ya know, but let's not make a big deal out of it.”

“I don't understand Dean. What are you saying?” Cas’ voice was even deeper and rougher in the mornings, and it was very distracting.

“Well, um… I mean, it's not like we're gonna get all serious on each other just cos we had sex, is it? Hell, it wouldn't even mean anything if we did it once a week.”

Cas’ face was a mixture of confusion and sadness, and Dean felt like he had kicked a puppy, but he really did not want anything to mess up their relationship friendship. He valued Cas above everything else. Cas sat up and was silent for a long while; eventually speaking before the silence became unbearable.

“So, what you’re saying is that the sex doesn't have to be a one-off... we could do it again if we wanted, without feelings being involved. A friends with benefits type of deal.”

“Yeah, I guess that's what I'm saying.”

“How would that work? Would it be a regular thing, like every Tuesday, or would one of us contact the other to find out if they were free?” Trust Cas to be all practical about this. The loveable dork.

“I guess we could pick a day, yeah. Then the rest of the week we’d be free to hook up with whoever we want.”

Cas’ expression darkened for a moment, and Dean thought he saw a hint of jealousy in those eyes. He chose to ignore it.

“Wednesday is movie night, Friday is burger night, Saturday we go to a bar, Sunday... family. That leaves us with Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.” Cas’ eagerness to sort out a day for them to have sex was hilarious, slightly unsettling, and completely endearing.

“Okay Cas… Tuesday?”

“Yes, that will work well. And on Mondays and Thursdays we can have sex with other people.”

“Yeah…” Why did Dean not like the sound of that when it was Cas saying it? For some reason it didn't sit well. Dean decided not to think about it.

“What if one of us doesn't feel like having sex on our chosen day?”

Cas’ question was perfectly reasonable, but Dean had got so excited about their regular future sex, and all that they could try, that he found the mere thought of this scenario upsetting. However, he had to accept that this was a possibility.

“Then we just tell the other one. No biggie.” Dean hoped he was coming across as nonchalant.

“I have two more questions. First, are we going to tell anyone else about our arrangement? I'm guessing from the look on your face that the answer is no.” Well, at least Cas wasn't stupid. “My second question is where? Where do we do this?” Again, with the practicalities.

“I dunno about you, but I vote for here. My bed has memory foam. Is your bed as comfortable as this, Cas?”

“No, this is the best choice. Okay then, I believe we have a deal.” Cas smiled and extended his hand so that they could shake on it.

Their eyes locked again, in an intense stare. Dean really wanted to lean forward and kiss Cas, and it was obvious that the dark haired sex god was thinking the same thing. That would clearly be going against the spirit of their agreement, though, so Dean looked away, and spoke somewhat reluctantly.

“I guess we should get ready for the family thing.”

“Yes. Is it okay if I use your shower? I seem to be a little sticky.” Oh, dear god. Did Cas have any idea what saying things like that did to Dean?

“Yeah, but make it quick. I need a shower too.” Cas looked at him, and Dean could see that his pupils were dilated. His eyes glanced down to Dean’s lips, and he unconsciously licked his own.

“We could… could always do it together.”

Well, we are in a hurry. “Sure, good thinking. It’ll make it quicker. I’ll go and turn it on, so that the water's hot enough. Come in when you're ready.” Dean jumped out of bed, and walked to the bathroom, feeling Cas’ eyes on him the whole way.

As he turned the shower on, he was struck by thoughts of ‘what are you doing?’ and ‘gonna see Cas’ naked body’. He drowned these voices out by sticking his head under the water. Moments later he felt the heat from Cas’ body, as he too stepped under the spray. He tried to move over, to give the other man more room, but for the first time, Dean noticed just how small his shower was. Blinking the water out of his eyes, he found his friend’s face just inches from his. Deciding to ignore all logic, Dean surged forward and captured those gorgeous lips with his own. Cas moaned into his mouth, as they found themselves once again pressed up against a wall.

Lining their hips up, Dean reached between them and took both of their cocks in his hand. He gave one tiny thrust, and stopped, trying to adjust to the intensity of the sensation.

“Dean, d-don’t stop. Please, don't… ohhhh god.”

Dean began to speed his hand up over them both, and it felt glorious. They started kissing again; only pulling away for air when he was about to come.

“Cas, yes… I, fuck!” Dean cried out as his release spilled over his hand and Cas’ dick.

“Dean. DeanDeanyes.” The last words all became one as Cas’ orgasm hit him hard. Panting, he grabbed at Dean’s arms, trying to hold on to something. The only thing Dean could think of to stop the other man from falling was to pin him up against the wall and kiss him some more.

They stayed like this for longer than necessary, because Dean did not know what to do. They had made an agreement not half an hour ago, and they had already broken it. What kind of weak-willed monster was he?

He had to move once the water began to turn cold though, and as he pulled away from Cas he could see how utterly wrecked the other man looked, with his slightly kiss-swollen lips, and wild hair.

“S-sorry, Cas.” Dean pulled away further so that Cas had more room to get washed.

“Why are you apologising Dean?” Suddenly, he wasn’t sure what the apology was for.

“Well… we made an agreement, and I broke it.”

“You broke it? Dean Winchester broke it?”

“Yeah, I-” Before Dean could finish speaking Cas had pulled him into a hug, and was burying his face in his neck.

“Dean, we both broke it, and besides, it was nice. Do not apologise.”

“Oh, okay Cas.. we really should get ready though.” As they finished washing, then got dried and dressed Dean tried to get his head around the crazy events of the last few hours. It had been kind of a whirlwind, but Cas’ assessment that what they had just done was nice was the understatement of the century; it had been mind-blowingly awesome.

When they were ready they smiled shyly at each other, and hesitated at the door for a few moments, before walking back to the bar to find Dean’s beloved baby; his ‘67 Chevy Impala. They drove to Sam and Eileen's house to meet up with their strange and wonderful family. Sam; Dean’s giant of a younger brother, Eileen; his wonderful wife, Gabe; Cas’ annoying older brother, Bobby; Dean and Sam’s surrogate uncle, and Jody, Claire, Charlie and Kevin, who were not related in anyway, but as Bobby always says ‘family don’t end in blood’.

Dean and Cas went into the house, and could hear the usual chaotic chatter coming from the kitchen. As they walked into the room all eyes turned to them, and the voices fell silent.

“Dude, you’re late.” Sam pointed accusingly at his brother.

“Yeah, we… we got held up. Sorry.” Dean sat down, and Cas sat next to him.

“They were too busy doing unspeakable things to each other.” Gabe was always saying stuff like that, but the fact that this time it was true made Dean see red. Just as he was about to unleash an angry tirade on him though, Eileen stepped in to save the day; she might not be able to hear, but she was shit-hot at lip reading.

“Gabriel!” She scolded him frustratedly. “What Dean and Cas get up to in private is nobody else's business. Now, eat up everyone.” She shot a warning look at Gabe, who wisely decided to keep quiet.

Dean wanted to challenge the whole ‘what they get up to in private’ thing, but considering the activities they had actually been indulging in, he thought it best to keep his damn mouth shut for once.

Dinner passed very pleasantly, with a lot of chit-chat and laughter. More than once Dean found his sole attention focused on Cas; whether talking to him, or just watching him. He was definitely not gazing admiringly at him, that's for sure.

“You two are so gross.” Claire rolled her eyes at them, in disgust.

“What are you on about?” Dean snapped a little at Claire’s insinuation.

“Staring at each other all the time… always touching. Can't you just stop while we're trying to eat?”

Dean opened and closed his mouth a few times, as he tried to find a response. Luckily, Eileen intervened again, before Dean could deny it so vehemently that it might piss Cas off.

“We have two types of pie for dessert - pecan or apple.”

“Did I ever tell you how lucky you are Sammy?” Dean hugged his sister-in-law, as she struggled to serve dessert.

“Yeah, every time she gives you pie.”

“Bitch.” Dean chuckled as he threw the ‘insult’.

“Jerk.” Sam's retort had everyone groaning - apart from Cas, who watched them affectionately.

“Idjits.” Bobby's gruff voice caused much laughter around the table.

After the pie had been consumed - Dean having had a piece of both - they said their farewells, and left to go home. Dean was suddenly reluctant to say goodbye to his friend, but he couldn't think of a reason not to. He drove Cas home, and as they pulled up outside Dean really wanted to kiss him goodnight. No, stop that. We have an agreement.

Cas seemed to take an age getting out of the car, and he looked just as unhappy about it as Dean.

“Goodnight Dean. I will see you on Tuesday for our… uhm. Night.” He poked his head through the window as he spoke, and Dean could see the stunning blue of his irises. My god, the man’s beautiful.

“Yeah, see ya Cas.” Dean pulled away before he could make a fool of himself, and spent the rest of the evening not thinking about his friend and all the sex they’d had that weekend.

On Monday evening Dean found a pressing need to call Cas, and check some information about bees with him. The fact that this confirmed Cas was not out picking up other people was just an added bonus.

On Tuesday evening Cas arrived at Dean's apartment, with a bag in his hand and a twinkle in his eye. Dean had been nervous as hell all day, but his friend looked as cool as a cucumber. So, now what? They stood, looking nervously at each other for a few seconds, until Dean strode over to Cas, took his face in his hands and kissed him with a soft brush of the lips.

“Heya Cas.” He found that they were doing that staring thing again.

“Hello Dean.” Cas kissed him again, hard and passionate, as he ran his hands through Dean's hair. Dean was surprised to discover that Cas had pushed him backwards, and had him pinned against the wall. What the fuck was it with them and walls? Cas rolled his hips against Dean's, who was entirely at his mercy. Man, was that hot.

As he continued the hip rolls, Cas started to kiss down Dean's neck, stopping at the top of his shirt collar. He took hold of the bottom of Dean's t-shirt, but stopped before pulling it off; watching, and waiting for permission.

“Yeah, Cas.” Dean breathed, as his friend pulled the garment up and over his head.

Cas continued his kissing movements downwards, until he reached the left nipple. He took it into his mouth and flicked it with his tongue. Dean arched his back - as much as he could, given that he was trapped - and Cas gave a little chuckle. After a few more flicks of the tongue, Cas moved over to the other nipple. By the time he was done Dean was a panting mess; very grateful that Cas was holding him up so firmly, because otherwise he would be a puddle on the floor. Moving down some more, he kissed and licked his way over Dean’s ribs and hip bones, then dropped to his knees, opened Dean’s pants, and pulled them and his boxers down. Dean didn’t know how he was doing it, but he realised that Cas was still holding him up; this was his last coherent thought before Cas took him into the wet, velvety heat of his mouth. Pulling off slightly, he licked up the shaft, then swirled his tongue around the head.

“Jesus, Cas… fuuuuck.” Dean could only watch, as his friend pushed him towards the edge.

Cas was swallowing almost all of him, as he moved backwards and forwards rhythmically, and it was very little time before Dean came; shooting his release into Cas’ mouth. His legs felt like jelly as Cas got back up, smiling serenely.

“Fuck, Cas. Where the fuck…?” Dean couldn’t finish his sentence, so Cas just kissed him. He could taste his come on Cas’ lips and tongue, but he had very little time to savour this before Cas flipped him around so that he was facing the wall. What the hell? Cas ran his finger down Dean’s crack, and started to circle the hole. He leaned forward and whispered in Dean’s ear.

“Dean, I would really like to fuck you. Can I fuck you, please?”

“Y-yeah. But could we do it on the bed? I don’t think my legs will hold out much longer.”

“Of course Dean.” Cas backed off a little, but not so far that Dean might fall, and pulled his pants and boxers back up for him.

Dean turned back around, and they walked into the bedroom together. He really wanted to undress Cas, but before he could even try the other man had pushed him onto the bed, and was lying on top of him. Jeez, he’s keen. They found each other’s mouths, and kissed for a very long time; Cas’ hands running through Dean’s hair and Dean’s hands exploring the skin underneath Cas’ shirt. As Dean was beginning to wonder if this was just going to be an intense make-out session, Cas seemed to remember why they were on the bed. He started that hip rolling thing again, and Dean could feel how hard he was through their clothing.

“I need my bag.” Cas climbed off Dean and the bed, and went to retrieve the bag, which Dean had completely forgotten about. What the hell is in it? He reappeared, looking a little embarrassed, and Dean felt he had to ask.

“What you got in there, Cas?”

He held the bag out to Dean, who laughed out loud at the sight of what looked like a hundred condoms, and two bottles of lube.

“Er, I’m not sure you’ve got enough there Cas.” Dean teased, once he had stopped laughing.

Cas’ expression darkened, and his voice got impossibly lower. “Let’s see how many we can use, Dean.”

Well, okay then. Slowly, Dean slid his pants down his legs, to give Cas a little show, then pushed them off and threw them onto the floor. Once he had removed his socks, he was wearing nothing but his underwear.

“Your turn, gorgeous.” He looked up at Cas expectantly; unconsciously licking his lips in anticipation.

“You haven’t finished, Dean.” Cas pointed at his underwear.

This seemed very unfair; Dean was expected to be completely naked, while Cas was fully dressed. However, the more he thought about it, the hotter he found it. He took his boxers off, faster than strictly necessary, and waited to see what Cas was going to do next.

He watched Cas as he slipped his shoes off, and pull out one of the bottles of lube and one condom from the bag. He lay down next to Dean and ran his hands all over his body; caressing, stroking, rubbing. He gently spread Dean’s legs, coated his fingers with a generous amount of lube, and found his hole again. He slowly pushed one of the digits inside, stopping occasionally to allow Dean to adjust to the feeling.

“How does that feel Dean?” Cas was staring into Dean’s eyes, looking for any sign of distress or discomfort.

“Different… but in a good way. Ahhhh, fuck.” Dean cried out and arched off the bed as Cas found something inside him with his finger.

“You like that? That’s your prostate.”

“Yes... oh god, yes. P-please do it again.” Cas hit that spot again, as he added another finger, and Dean thought he might come for a second time, before Cas even got to fuck him.

“Please Cas, I’m gonna-” Cas realised how close Dean was, and stopped hitting his prostate as he added another finger and finished preparing him.

When he was satisfied that Dean was ready, he opened his pants and pulled them and his underwear down enough to let his cock spring free. He opened the condom and rolled it on, added some more lube, then lined himself up with Dean’s waiting hole. They gazed at each other for a few moments - did they do that often? - before Cas slowly pushed in. Once he had bottomed out, he stayed still, as they both adjusted, then Dean moved his hips and that spurred Cas into action.

At first he was gentle; moving in and out slowly, but he gradually started to speed up, snapping his hips forwards faster and faster. Dean was losing himself in the feel of the other man, but Cas suddenly grabbed hold of his ass and changed the angle a little. With the next thrust he nailed Dean’s prostate, and the sounds he made at this were obviously what Cas was looking for. To help with this angle Dean wrapped his legs around Cas’ back, and pushed his heels forward with each thrust. As his movements became more erratic, Cas took hold of Dean’s cock and gave it a few long strokes, which was all he needed to fall over the edge. As his orgasm hit, great white stripes of come landed on his stomach, and he felt Cas reach his moment of ecstasy. as his hole clenched around him.

As they both tried to breathe normally again, Cas found Dean’s mouth and they kissed long and slow. As they kissed, Dean realised two things; 1) Cas really liked being in control during sex, and 2) Dean REALLY liked Cas being in control. Also, the sex was fucking awesome, and they could do it without any feelings being involved. It was just sex, right?

Cas lifted himself onto his elbows and gave Dean one of his soul-piercing stares; affection written all over his face. “Dean, I-”

“Yeah Cas, I know. That was fucking amazing.” Dean cut him off before he could say anything inconvenient.

“Yes, it was.” Cas spoke so quietly it was barely audible. He pulled out of Dean and they both winced, then he pulled off the condom and tied it off. He went off to the bathroom to dispose of it, and to get a washcloth, but when he returned he had a strange expression on his face.

Dean really wanted Cas to lie down with him, so they could hold each other, but an awful thought struck him - what if Cas hadn't got undressed because he wanted to leave as soon as the sex was over? Shit. Dean tried not to panic as Cas cleaned him up, but he didn't know what to say.

When Cas had finished, he put the washcloth down, then spoke very softly. “What do we do now?”

“What do you mean?”

“Do you want me to leave now that the sex is over?”

Dean breathed a sigh of relief. “No. No, Cas… I’d really like you to stay.”

Cas smiled one of the most beautiful smiles Dean had ever seen on the man, and his heart soared, for some reason. Cas quickly removed his clothes, dropping them in a pile on the floor, then lay down beside Dean so that they were face to face. He pulled Dean into his arms and they held each other, contentedly. They found each other's mouths again, and melted into a tender kiss, making out for what felt like hours. Dean found himself dropping off to sleep a couple of times, and woke up to find Cas soothing his back, or his hair. God, this was nice - the sex was amazing, but this… Dean would need poetry to describe it.

In the morning Dean woke to find that he was alone, but he was delighted to see a little note on his nightstand.

Dean

Sorry I had to leave, but I will see you tonight for the movie. Please look after my bag for me.

Cas

Dean thought that Cas leaving his bag there meant that he wasn't planning on having sex with anyone else, and that made him stupidly happy. He spent the rest of the day in a state of euphoria; barely able to contain his excitement at seeing Cas again so soon. Of course, as soon as Cas arrived, it all came crashing down; the dark haired sex god walked in as if everything was as it had always been, and set up the movie and popcorn as usual.

Dammit. It's not sex night. “Hey Cas.” Dean knew that his voice sounded a little unsure, but he couldn't help it.

“Hello Dean. We are watching The Return of the King tonight, aren't we?”

“Oh. Er… yeah.” Dean watched his friend settle down on the sofa, and wondered how in hell he was going to be able to act as if this was just a normal Wednesday. Cas, on the other hand, seemed totally at ease, and that made it even worse somehow.

By the time they were halfway through the movie, Dean thought he might actually be about to die from the tension. The two foot gap between them felt like a gaping chasm, and he hated it. He couldn't focus on what was happening on the screen; instead he spent most of the time glancing at his friend, hoping to see a sign of… something. Dean had no idea what it was he was looking for, but he never found it.

At the end of the movie, Cas turned to him. “Dean, you do not look well. I think I should go, while you get some rest.”

Despite knowing that all he needed was a hug, and maybe a kiss, from the other man, Dean reluctantly agreed, and as he watched Cas leave he felt a pain in his chest he didn't recognise. He had a horrible night's sleep, knowing that they wouldn't see each other again until Friday.

On Thursday evening, Dean had every intention of calling Cas, with a ‘very important’ question, but before he could even think about it, Cas was calling him.

“Hello Dean. I wanted to check that you were okay. I was worried about you.” Cas’ voice was laced with worry, and this made Dean feel a whole lot better.

They chatted for a while, then Dean suddenly felt hungry for the first time since yesterday. As soon as he ended the call, he went to the kitchen and made himself an omelette with plenty of crispy bacon, and ate happily. That night's sleep was much easier

.Friday night meant a trip to Harvelle’s roadhouse, and the best burgers in town. Dean and Cas met in the parking lot, as always, and Dean had to resist the urge to hug his friend. The lack of physical contact was agonising, but with extreme willpower he overcame it, and they went inside. They were met by Jo, their waitress, who showed them to their favourite booth.

“Hiya guys, table for two?” Jo winked as she said this, because it was always a table for two.

“Nah, there's seven of us.” Dean chuckled at his joke, and Cas laughed along with him.

As they sat down their knees brushed under the table, and Dean thought that this might be torture. As it turned out, though, the evening was really good; mostly because Cas kept the touches to a minimum. At one point Ellen, the owner and Jo’s mom, came out to hug Dean and scold him for something. She was, after all, the closest thing to a mother-figure Dean had.

“I hope this boy’s treatin’ you right.” She spoke fondly to Cas, who smiled back at her.

“Always.”

“Good.” Ellen gave Dean a playful slap on the back, as she returned to the kitchen.

Sitting himself back down, Dean realised what Ellen had just said. Did everyone think they were in a relationship? He didn't dwell on it too much though, after seeing how happy Cas looked. The burgers were excellent, and so was the beer, and they left completely satisfied. Saying goodbye hurt, but Dean had to suck it up, and as he went home alone he thought of the good parts of the evening, rather than them parting.

On Saturday they went to a bar, and although it was supposed to be an excuse to pick up women, neither of them left each other's side all night. At one point a woman came up to them and tried to flirt with Cas, but he made it very obvious that he wasn't interested, before Dean could get too jealous. Everyone else seemed to give them a wide berth; sensing that they were perfectly happy on their own. Dean got drunk enough to not remember them saying goodbye, which helped.

On Sunday Dean picked Cas up on the way to Sam and Eileen's, and they arrived in good time for dinner. Charlie was the first person to greet them.

“Dean. Cas. What's up, bitches?”

They heard Gabe pipe up from the kitchen. “They've been banging each other's brains out… Ow, Jody, that was vicious.”

“Manners, boy.” Jody’s voice was firm and decisive.

Dean was totally going to punch the irritating midget’s lights out one of these days. For now, though, he had a dilemma; did he sit away from Cas to make a point, or do what he wanted and sit next to his boyfriend? After an internal battle, desire ultimately won out, and Dean made sure to sit next to Cas. Screw Gabe.

Eileen's dinner kicked-ass, and everyone was happy and full by the end. Gabe kept his smug comments to a minimum, and Kevin entertained everyone with his impression of Yoda. The kid was pretty funny; even Bobby was laughing.

Dropping Cas off home was as sad as ever, but at least Dean knew it would only be two days before they saw each other again.

Monday evening saw the now regular phone call, although Dean didn't even try to come up with an excuse this time. They talked for about half an hour, then Dean spent the rest of the night thinking about tomorrow.

By the time Cas was due to arrive on Tuesday, Dean was actually pacing the floor inside the front door. He could hardly contain his nervous excitement, and at the sound of the door opening - yes, of course Cas had a key - he leaped on the poor unsuspecting man, almost knocking him over in the process.

“Dean?” Cas sounded alarmed.

“Cas… I-” Dean grabbed him by the hand, pulled him into the bedroom and yanked him down onto the bed. Unable to explain himself, he clung on to Cas, hoping that he would understand his craving for this closeness. It seemed that he did, and he wrapped his arms around Dean, pulling him as close as physically possible, and tangling their legs together. They stayed like this for what felt like hours; holding each other, and kissing occasionally. Dean ran his hands through Cas’ gorgeous hair, while Cas tugged gently at Dean's hair.

Dean was so confused about what he wanted; he thought it was sex, and often it was, but sometimes he just needed touching. He eventually fell asleep like this, and when he woke in the morning there was another note from Cas.

Dean

I really enjoyed last night. See you this evening.

Cas

Dean's head was beginning to hurt with the mixture of emotions, and he went to work with such a jumble of thoughts. Work distracted him enough to get through the day, and when Cas got to his place in the evening he was much calmer. The atmosphere between them felt a little odd, but they started the movie and settled down to watch.

The bowl of popcorn was on Cas’ lap, and when Dean tried to take some without looking his hand landed on Cas’ upper thigh instead. The sensible thing would have been to withdraw his hand, but he left it there, and started to softly rub his thumb backwards and forwards. He moved his hand higher, and rubbed his thumb harder, until he heard Cas’ breath hitch. He looked over at the other man; his eyes were closed, and he was biting his bottom lip. He lifted his hand, then placed it on Cas’ crotch, causing his eyes to fly open. They gazed at each other with undisguised desire, then Dean knelt up on the sofa and shuffled forward until he was close enough to climb onto Cas’ lap.

“Cas.” That word was all he could manage before they were both left breathless by the most passionate kiss they had shared yet.

Dean ground down hard onto Cas, who then held him in place to get more friction between them. As this momentum built up though, it was suddenly not enough; Dean needed Cas inside him. He stood up and all but ran to the bedroom, leaving a slightly dazed Cas sitting on the sofa. Dean returned with a bottle of lube and a condom, and once he had placed them down he hurriedly removed his clothes. When he was naked, he straddled Cas again; he knew he should feel vulnerable, as Cas was fully clothed, but he didn't. He looked deeply into the other man's eyes.

“Cas. I want you to open me up so I can ride you.” The way his eyes widened at this request showed that he was fully on board with Dean's suggestion.

Cas reached for the bottle, and poured some lube onto his fingers, then reached around behind Dean - who had got himself into a kind of crouching position - and slowly started to work him open. It wasn't the best angle for either of them, but he was able to get three fingers in, quite easily.

“That's enough Cas, I’m ready.” Dean panted as Cas withdrew his fingers. He opened Cas’ pants to release him, then rolled the condom onto his very hard cock. He placed his hands on the back of the sofa, and after lining himself up, he gradually sank down onto Cas, feeling every inch as it filled him up.

“Oh fuck, Cas… that feels so good.” Dean stayed still for a few moments after he bottomed out, but it seemed that Cas was having trouble keeping still; he was making tiny little thrusts.

“D-Dean, we need to… move.”

Dean smiled, before lifting himself up, then sliding back down. The noise Cas made at this was amazing, but it seemed to have temporarily short-circuited his brain, as he sat transfixed. It wasn't until Dean had slid up and down a few more times that he started to move; he snapped his hips up sharply to meet Dean's downward movement, and Dean saw stars as Cas hit his prostate.

“Fuuuuuuck. Yes… do that again.”

They started to find a rhythm between them, and as they moved together they kissed, long and slow. Cas hit Dean’s prostate with almost every thrust, and when he felt his release start to build he took hold of his cock and stroked it. Cas pushed his hand away, as he made a kind of growling noise.

“Mine. This belongs to me.” Oh. This possessive side of Cas made Dean all tingly, and that, together with Cas’ expert touch, pushed Dean towards his orgasm. It made Dean ridiculously happy that they came at the same time, and the warm, white liquid spilled out as they rode out the waves of ecstasy together.

Dean was overcome with a feeling of pure bliss, and he could have happily stayed like this forever. This soon became uncomfortable though, and he pulled off Cas, removed the condom, and went to get a washcloth. When he came back the other man hadn't moved, and Dean cleaned him up gently and lovingly. When he had finished he stood back up and pulled his boxers on.

“Can I hold you, Cas?” Dean's voice was earnest, and Cas beamed up at him.

“Yes Dean, I would like that.” They managed to position themselves so that Cas was lying behind Dean on the sofa, and Cas wrapped him in his warm embrace. They fell asleep like this, and, as always, Cas was gone when Dean awoke. He had left another note.

Dean

Last night was wonderful.

Cas

Yeah, it really was. Dean had no idea what any of this meant; he wanted to hold Cas on sex night, and fuck on movie night, which was all kinds of messed up. Maybe they would just have to go with it, and see where it took them.

That evening Dean rang Cas, as he now did whenever they were apart, and they talked for about ten minutes, about nothing much. Just before hanging up Dean said, “see you tomorrow, Cas.”

“Dean, you forgot. I have to go to a conference in the morning. I won't be back until Sunday.”

“Oh, shit. Yeah, I did forget.”

“I will come to Sam and Eileen's straight from the airport on Sunday, so I will meet you there.”

“Okay Cas. Well, have a good time.”

“Thank you Dean. I am sure I will.”

The line went dead, and with a heavy heart Dean said to no-one “don't have sex with anyone else.”

Burger night on Friday didn't happen - there's no point in eating out on your own, right? Dean also did not go to a bar on Saturday; he just didn't feel like it. By ten o’clock he had drunk enough beer to convince himself to call Cas, who picked up immediately.

“Hey Cas, what's happening?” Dean slurred slightly as he spoke.

“Hello Dean. Are you drunk?”

“Yeah, a bit. Are you at a bar, Cas.”

“Dean, are you checking up on me?”

“Nah, I just really miss you.” Dean's voice got quieter and more truthful as he said this.

“I miss you too. I wish I was holding you, and kissing you.”

“Yeah, me too.” Dean knew that they were skating along a very thin line here, but he suddenly didn't care.

“I want to run my hands through your hair, and down over your body until I reach your pants. Then I would undo them slowly, and take your cock in my hand.”

Fuck. “Yeah, Cas. Then what?”

“Then I would lie you down, and take you into my mouth, and suck you until you come down my throat. I would lick it all up, until you couldn't stand it anymore.”

Dean had started frantically jacking himself off as he listened to the filthy things Cas wanted to do to him, and his orgasm was quick and sudden.

“Fucking hell Cas.” All he could hear on the other end was little whimpers and moans as Cas chased his own release.

“Yeah Cas, come for me, gorgeous. I wanna hear you.”

“Deeeeeean, fuck.” As Cas cried out, Dean missed him even more.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Cas.”

“Yes Dean, see you tomorrow. I love you.”

Cas hung up, and Dean was left gaping at his phone. What the hell? Did Cas just say he loved him? Why wasn't he freaking out? Did he love Cas back? What did this mean?

He spent the rest of the night and the following morning going over and over what Cas had said; trying to sort out his own feelings, which were complicated, to say the least.

When he arrived at Sam and Eileen's, Dean was disappointed to see that Cas wasn't there yet. He sat nervously waiting; glancing at the door every few minutes, hoping to see him. Everyone else at the table obviously realised that Dean wasn't in the mood to talk, and mostly left him alone.

When Cas finally arrived about an hour late, Dean sat frozen to the spot, unable to move. Cas said hello to everyone in the room, but Dean didn't respond; he felt like he was watching the scene from outside. As Cas sat next to him, he turned to Dean and smiled that beautiful smile. This snapped Dean out of his trance, and he knew what he had to do. He leaned forward, took Cas’ face in his hands, and kissed him. He poured every ounce of feeling he had into that kiss, and he could feel Cas responding enthusiastically as his hands found their way into Dean's hair.

He could hear Claire making gagging sounds, and Gabe whistling - as well as some squealing from somewhere - but it didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was Cas. When Sam started coughing, however, Dean realised that they should probably stop. Pulling back a little, he gazed lovingly into Cas’ eyes.

“I love you too Cas.”

“I know.” Dean didn't know whether he wanted to punch Cas or kiss him for that glorious use of a pop-culture reference, and the smug look on his face.

“How long have you known, Cas?”

“Oh, about twenty years.”

“Wait… are you telling me that we've been in love since we met?”

“Well, I know I have.”

Damn. Just think of all those wasted years. Dean quickly decided that they needed to make up for lost time.

“I’m really sorry everyone, but we're not feeling very well. We have to go, but we'll see you next Sunday.”

As Dean and Cas went to leave Sam started to protest, but Eileen stopped him with a firm hand on his arm.

“Let them go, Sam. They need some time alone.”

The last thing they heard as they went out the door was Gabe saying “I always knew.”

They got into the Impala, and Dean turned to his… boyfriend? “I’m sorry for being an idiot, Cas.”

“No, don't apologise. We're here now.” The love Dean was feeling from Cas made everything okay, somehow.

Now, could they get to Dean's place without breaking the speed limit? There were some memories that Dean would very much like to add to his memory foam.