#i want to not feel on the verge of a mental breakdown every day!!!!!

[knees-bees]

i’m going to scream

[butnotbubblegum]

using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.

[seventh-district]

i. am so goddamn tired

CW: i’m probably about to do a lil venting in the tags

[crescencestudio]

๋࣭⭑ Devlog #41 | 5.28.24 ๋࣭⭑

It's hot girl (/gender neutral) summer season

HAPPY MAY!!

Hope you're all doing well <3 We're already getting into summer, which is a little crazy to me. The year is flying by! Before I get into what we actually did this month, it wouldn't be a May devlog without our annual Mermay celebration!

Look at those locks. His Ariel/Rapunzel era fr

Since I already had updated Mermay pieces for the Alaris LIs, I decided to do one for our beloved Van this year ^^ Hope you all like it!

For writing this month, I spent a lot of it catching up on Etza edits. Being totally transparent, I wasn't Completely Happy with their route when their draft was finished. But now that I've started the editing process with Wudgey, I'm really excited to see how their route is shaping up!!! We've been fleshing a lot of little interactions out with their route, and I can already see Etza's character really starting to shine with these edits ^^

I've also been chipping away at Kuna'a's route! While it's nowhere near finished, I'm hopeful that this upcoming month will be the month of Kuna'a now that I don't have a bunch of releases I'm trying to balance. His route is also one of the ones whose outline is more fleshed out (Druk and Etza I would say were the least fleshed out, which might be why they also took a bit longer). So I'd love to see Kuna'a's first draft complete/almost complete by the next devlog!

This month, I had to dust off my art skills tbh LMFAOIJSDF. It's been.... a WHILE since I've made CGs since I've been in the writing and coding dungeon for so long. So most of this month's art updates are me getting tilted from redrawing an ugly sketch over and over.

I DID manage to get the Van Mermay piece out. And I also was able to sketch out Kayn's Tragic End CG; that leaves only one CG that has to be sketched out! Currently, six of their CGs are finished, two need to be rendered, and one needs to be drawn still.

And since Kayn's CGs are mostly done, I've started drawing Fenir's. I was actually able to finish one because I basically Locked In when I made it, so here is a sneak peek!

Kisses his little pink nose

You might notice there's not toooo many updates on this month's devlog. The reason for that is because this month, I spent a lot of it recovering both mentally and physically. April shenanigans and those back-to-back releases took a lot out of me, and after going full speed basically since this year started, I learned I REALLY needed a break. That coupled with the concussion I got made it so that most of this month was focused on recovering and then getting back into the groove of things.

Another thing I tried to focus on this month was finding a balance in my workflow. Going into this month, I felt like I was on the verge of a mental breakdown almost every day, in large part because I have a lot of big things I'm trying to accomplish this year. Between finishing my dissertation, Alaris, and a personal big event that I have to plan, I have a lot on my plate this year, and it's made it easy to get overwhelmed as the months pass by. So I wanted to find a balance between all three that didn't make me feel like I was also falling into insanity. After talking to beloved Wudgey of @herotome fame, I've started adopting a schedule that gives me enough structure and flexibility to feel like I'm making progress without going crazy and getting lost in the sauce.

While it's still early in the process, I'm really happy with the balance I've hit, and I'm feeling much more like myself now compared to a month ago!

I caught up on quite a few things in my backlog this month, which made me happy ^^ I always like to learn from and support other devs, so finally being able to return to that helped with the recovery process <3

I don't have any actual fanart pieces, but there are a couple of games I'd like to highlight!

First of all, of course I must talk about our hot girl (/gender neutral) summer cross-promo. If you haven't checked out these games, I can't recommend them enough!!

Links to each game can be found on the Alaris Game page under the magic and mystery otome section!

Specifically, Save the Villainess, The Good People, and Thorn for the Villain are amazing games if you're into thriller/political games layered with mystery

The Silent Kingdom (which I played recently and is AMAZING) and Dual Chroma (Otojam 2023 ALLY) have added mechanics of RPG for exciting action-adventure fantasy stories

Lost in Limbo, Obscura, and Snow White Ashes are BEAUTIFUL dark fantasy games. I've played all three of these and they have some of the most beautiful writing and visuals... BIG FAN OF ALL OF THEM.

Mask Beyond Lies and Sigh of the Abyss have that epic fantasy adventure appeal to them, in a way that I think is similar to Alaris! And Pearlglow Cafe (another Otojam 2023 ALLY) is a very lighthearted and charming game for those of you who like the comfy vibe that most of my stories have!!

Some other games that I played are Favor (@favorvn) by beloved @concreteparasite which is SOOOOO stylish. If you've played Binary Star Hero by Connie, you can expect that same stylish, dark, sultry vibe from Favor. If you haven't checked out either of those games by Connie, I can't recommend them enough, especially if you like yanderes. There is so much aesthetic and atmosphere to them!

I also played Where Winter Crows Go by @prikarin who is a VERY talented developer (and one I'm sure many are familiar with). I had a lot of fun romancing Crowe and both the MC and him have such strong personalities, it was so fun seeing their dynamic!!!! The CGs were also made by anta, who is the dev behind Thorn for the Villain, and they're BEAUTIFULLLLL. Each one has so much style and rly has a professional look to them. Can't recommend enough if you haven't played already ((heads up that it is another yandere game for those who can't do yandere!))

Okay I've yapped enough. If you've made it this far, you are god's strongest soldier LFMASLDIFJ. See you all next month with hopefully some exciting progress!

[crumpet-doodles]

SOOOO "Ruin TRAPS Eclipse in VRChat," huh?

I need Eclipse to break.

I need him to admit he's scared. Petrified. Terrified. I need him to SOB, I need him to have a complete mental BREAKDOWN, and I need him to admit all of this to not only himself, but to someone else.

Literally, when Ruin was leaving him in the room, he started CRYING. Actually CRYING. (His abandonment issues are showing. And also the anxiety he inevitably inherited from Sun, as he's technically a mix of Sun and the Kill Code.) He's so paranoid, he sounds so tired, and like he's on the verge of a panic attack or a meltdown 24/7. He tried to ask for help, but what he's basically saying is that he wants to find who made him, and he'll let Sun and Moon kill him (Or maybe I interpreted it wrong. That's also a possibility.) Also, I think he doesn't really know how to PROPERLY ask for help, as he's been seen as nothing but the villain, the enemy. It's hard for him to make his own code change, especially with the core inputs (or whatever) making him be nothing but just that.

He's so tired of living, but at the same time, he doesn't want to die. (Trust me, I know how scary that feels. How exhausting it is. Just to function every day.)

Honestly, I want a redemption. A redemption in the sense of he gets help, but isn't forgiven. He won't be part of the family, he won't live with them, and barely interact with them, but he'll get some therapy, and be at least ok. I don't expect Lunar to EVER forgive him, or Sun, or Moon, or ANYONE, but Eclipse is literally hurting himself, whether intentionally or unintentionally by functioning the way he does.

(Also, I think he's scared of being trapped somewhere, especially in an enclosed space. I think this might be because of how it was in Sun's mindscape.)

Haha, so... yeah. (This was so fun to write aaaaa-)

[not-too-many-eyes]

Unexplainable Tragedies

(Also Known as: Reverse is a story about the apocalypse)

I always found the concept of The Storm fascinating. When I started playing Reverse I messaged a friend saying that I was really upset that I didn't think of it first since the concept of it is so interesting. A storm of time that (usually) brings the world back in time. It's such a compelling concept for a time travel story.

As a result, I've done a lot of thinking about it and it's place in the game's narrative. So, I have now decided to write this post so that I may articulate my opinions and feelings when it comes to it.

So, with that out of the way:

The Foundational Blocks of Society

Reverse depicts a world in which society is never safe. It's a world where at a single drop of rain the entire world as we know it can be destroyed and reverted back to a "backwards" version of it. Nothing is sacred because nothing ever stays minus a few pockets of the world that were lucky enough to be safe from it.

The Headquarters of St. Pavlov Foundation exists in of those pockets and it has existed even before The Storm. As a result it's a bastion of Pre-Storm Society. They are Worldwide and seek unite humans and arcanists so that they may return the world to it's "normal state" the one they used to exist in before. The one before all this tragedy occurred.

This, on it's surface, is an altruistic venture. But, considering the name of this place comes from Ivan Pavlov. The one who discovered Classical Conditioning. I think the intentions of these people should be questioned, just a tad.

The Foundation have consistently shown themselves as comprised of bad actors and feuding parties. Bigotry runs deeply in the Foundation's...foundations. Their modus operandi for "recruiting" Arcanists is to find the youngest ones who are disenfranchised and "teach" them what is proper in SPDM. Where they are taught the Foundation's ideology. That:

(Chapter 4 Part 2: Frog and Toffee)

Sonetto: We are born to die Martyrs

Later on, Matilda remarks that she was almost refused from the school because she's too old.

(Chapter 4 Part 10: O' Captain)

Matilda: My name is Matilda Bouanich! I am the most senior transfer student in the school- in fact, I was too senior to be taken in, if nor for that special approval. That is to say. I remember the outside world a lot more than you do...

She remembers things that she shouldn't.

Outside of this. Arcanists from the outside world who know the Foundation are critical of them. A lot of the ones we've seen like Regulus and Kakania don't want anything to do with them, and the ones inside have...mixed feelings on them as a whole.

Ms. Mossian: Although the Foundation is well-known for their effective ways of teaching, they always overlooked each student's character and personality. Hmm… I find their teaching philosophy difficult to comment on.

Even Sonetto and Mesmer Jr, some of the most ardent members of the Foundation have Undoubtedly been negatively affected by them. With Sonetto always wanting for freedom, and Mesmer Jr having and being on the verge of a mental breakdown every second of the day.

The world The Foundation creates isn't a just one. But this was Always part of it's institution. It's premise of wanting to unite humans and arcanists has Always had the asterisk that says "as long as we humans rule"

(Revival! The Uluru Games, Part 10: Let's Play House)

Spathodea: Make life better? Get out! You think I never saw the ad of Laplace? Spathodea: "Guide arcanum with science, tame the orderless power with sense." That's what you tell the people!

This isn't a new change. It wants to return the world to how it was before, and the world of 1999 doesn't seem to have been in the hands of arcanists.

They justify themselves, say that arcanists are inherently more emotional and that's why they Must exist. Without them the world would be out of control.

But, frankly, this is a bold fucking thing to say from a Institution who's vice president has beef with a teenager.

Humans cannot claim to be reasonable compared to the "irrational" arcanists when so much of this game showcases human irrationality. Even before the Storm people were competing to make it big in the stock market. Even before the Storm people burned witches and panicked in the streets over Y2K.

As much as arcanists perceive and understand the world differently, any existing evidence in perception or emotion sensitivity is greatly exaggerated to fit the narrative that The Foundation (that Humans) Must Exist to control them.

Greta Hofmann says it best in this chapter.

(Chapter 6 Part 15: With Hope Rekindled)

Hofmann: We have all heard it, humans are more rational and arcanists are more emotional. Hofmann: Their sensitive to the darkness of the world, so they can easily become absorbed in their own emotions and ignore reality Hofmann: But, if we put a human child in the position of an arcanist, who always takes on the world because of his uniqueness, who is never understood for his talents... Hoffmann: Maybe he too will become impulsive, sensitive immature and unstable Hoffmann: And that's why it sometimes dwans on me that if we put an arcanist child in the position of a human being who receives enough love, education, and positive feedback... Hoffmann: These 'instabilities' might be controllable. At least enough to keep them from hurting themselves or others.

This the world the Foundation wants to return to,the one unaffected by the changes that The Storm brought. The one where humans and arcanists were together but we all knew who was Really in charge.

"This the true path to the future!" They say. "We just need to return to the past. The beautiful past that was taken away from us!"

However, The Foundation isn't the only organization in this game.

The Rapture.

The Manus Vindictae are the arcanist parallel to The Foundation. A group of arcanists dedicated to arcanist supremacy in the same way The Foundation is dedicated to human supremacy. They believe that the Storm is actually a cleansing of impurity. Eliminating the bad habits of that era.

The also believe in The Guiding One/Arcana, and that arcanists are the ones Chosen to lead the world into a brighter era and leave this world of humans behind. The chosen ones of the new civilization that will bring everything to a new era of peace, they just need to go far back enough in time until:

(Chapter 1, Part 14: The Eye of The Storm)

Vertin: Which past do you want to return to? Fifty years ago? A century ago? Or... Forget Me Not: The past with the right order, of course

Of course this is rather...unethical, to say the least. However, this is not unique to the Manus in the slightest.

Again, The Foundation wants to return to the past before the Storm, and Matilda was almost refused from the school for the crime of being older than they would have liked her to be.

As the arks of the Foundation become more filled, less people are allowed to enter, and a lot are refused entry due to similar unethical reasoning,

(Chapter 4, Part 18: Road of a Puppy)

Sonetto: Schneider...a friend we met in Chicago Sonetto: She once chose to join The Foundation under the pressure of both the "Storm" and Manus Vindictae. Sonetto: But instead of offering any solution or help, you just gave her a rejection letter. Sonetto: I found this letter in her suit pocket. Sonetto: It had a small line written on it, "Paupers fuck off" (...) Sonetto: I do not understand...why there was such wording on it. Sonetto: Was it because she did not pay enough "shelter fee" to qualify for sheltering? Sonetto: Or was it because the wand she used was transformed by arcanum, which made you think she was an arcanist?

Really, the Manus are just more "honest" about their intentions. There's not much to discuss when there so open about it.

Still, there's a sort of, religious leaning to the way the Manus and it's affiliates talk. The idea that it's a trial, the idea that this is salvation, the idea that they are the ones chosen.

When the Y2K bug was something people were panicking about there was an expectation for it to be an Apocalyptic Event. Religious groups and similar organizations were all about being the ones chosen.

What the Manus exhbits here is it's own form of rationalization, which is funny considering how much they insistent that rational is a human thing.

If a tragedy occurs, then it's a tragedy in the favor of your organization. You will be rid of a world where cruel things happen and be brought up to one where your holiness will be confirmed and you will be happy forever as everyone who has ever committed evil rots below you.

It's a joke to think The Storm cares though.

The Pre/Post-Apocalypse

Something I've been leaving out about The Storm until now is that we do know Why it starts.

It starts due to:

Vertin: Community conflicts, turbulent history, new technology...all of these may lead to the "Storm."

Y2K, The Great Depression, World War 1. All important moments where time reversed, and all events that caused fear, panic and instability in the world.

Y2K isn't even disastrous, nothing actually apocalyptic Happened at the turn of the millennium. But it was such a terrifying concept it made the world go backwards before it could continue. We never see the after of these events, only the start. The panic is enough for a Storm to be caused.

It's a joke to think the Storm cares because the Storm isn't a person. It's an event, a tragedy, a change in the world. A moment in time that consumes anything that's within it's radius. Trying to explain it through something inherent is silly. Arcanists may be able to see through it but they still get consumed by it all the same.

You can formulate theories, maybe even pin down exactly what caused it, but that doesn't change what it did. The characters have been living in the moments before an apocalypse and the moments after one for ages now. You can't bring the world back to how it was before because that world simply doesn't exist anymore.

The Manus may accelerate it but really if it wasn't them it was going to be someone else. You can't keep everything in static normalcy forever. Especially a normal that's so cruel to people. Eventually someone is going to say that this sucks and try to change it, for good or for ill.

But, the beautiful past where nothing was wrong also Doesn't Exist. It's a fiction. But it's one that's easier to believe in than the future full of tragedy and suffering.

(Chapter 6, Part 20: War and Peace)

Isolde: Heads full of holes! Heads covered in shrapnel! Empty Stomachs! Even the ghosts of little children...I can see them all! Cities bombed to the ground, and trains full of people headed straight to death! Isolde: It is coming! IT IS COMING! By then, the guts hanging from the trees will be more vibrant than spring flowers. There will be bullets, helmets, gauze! Hahaha! Isolde: We have no future, doctor!

Everyone in Reverse is marked by that existential terror in a way. That the world is ending, that the world is going to end, that the world has already ended and they just have to pick up the pieces. That nothing really matters because nothing is permanent and nothing can be truly understood.

The Foundation and The Manus believe that:

Sonetto: As the instructors have told us, to live is to lose things around us until the day we lose life itself to death. That's why we should only focus on the supreme missions.

And, if they are right, if to live is to lose things around us. What Should we do? Do we do as they say and focus only on things larger than us? Survive the Storm by detaching ourselves from the world around us?

...

I'll let the end of Chapter 2 present my counter-argument for me.

[jweekgoji]

yandere five with a reader who's just as smart as him, but is still really sweet. however, she won't take any of his shit and gets past all of his shenanigans, escaping every he drags her back.

Yandere!Five x Reader

warnings: yandere behaviour, dark themes (obviously), yandere Five, kidnapping, mentions of breaking bones.

a/n: I'm sorry if that's not...what you expected? i dunno why I'm saying this, it's just every time I'm doing requests I have a feeling I didn't do it perfectly? and you probably expected more-

For a man like Number Five, having a potential competitor around is kinda a great danger. For him? Haha! Definitely not, more for you. You see, since childhood, Five has been a pretty...competitive guy. He's faster, smarter, stronger than the ones he grew up with at the Academy when he was much younger.

In fact, meeting the same person who can make Five sweat so well would be very interesting to him. If Five were younger, his reaction would be simple. He wants to be the best, as well as get his dose of praise from Reginald, will simply start spending a day to get ahead of you. He'll work out, he'll solve more math equations, he'll read every book in the house day and night, he'll do anything to say, in the end, “I'll always be better.”

Five, who survived several apocalypses, life in the Commission and other things, will be a little...calmer. Yes, he has a younger body, which means he must have strength. But. Five was tired mentally and physically. His body may allow him to do a few runs around the academy if he really wants to, but the other question is, will he compete with you? No.

I understand that you are probably a little disappointed with this answer, yes? Sorry, but Five is not 13 years old! There may be a part of him that wants to get some praise from Reggie, but for the most part, he just doesn't care. He is an old man. He's 58 years old guys, all he wants to do is drink coffee and read some newspaper while enjoying a legal retirement. Your games do not impress him, play such games with Diego or Ben from Sparrow, and please do not bother him.

And so, we approach the other side, by some miracle Five liked you so much that he now loves you, congratulations! I think some of your sarcasm plus sweet and intelligent behaviour will annoy him a little, but for the most part it will amuse him. You, compared to him, are so inexperienced and cute, you are probably trying to copy him, right? He will rather laugh at your behavior.

But if you really are really incredibly smart, then congratulations, you can even shut him up for a while. Remember how Viktor reminded him of the events of season 2?

You stand next to Five, silently looking at him, then at his older doppelgänger lying on the cold metal surface of the table. A moment, and you noticeably shift your gaze first to the younger, then to the old man, and so on several times. This obviously does not go unnoticed by Five and he, already on the verge of breakdown, turns to you.

„What?” he practically grinds his teeth, trying to keep from sounding rougher.

“Nothing,” you shrug, chuckling softly. “It’s just that if he is you, and you are the creator of the Commission, then it’s a little funny.”

He raises one eyebrow at your words and, moving away from his counterpart, now seems a little interested in your point of view.

“What the hell is funny about that? Can you try to explain yourself, missy?”

“You complained that the suitcases are not bulletproof, but it turns out that this is like your mistake?” you are still smiling. “It's not that I blame you...”

For a moment there is only awkward silence between the two of you. You look at him, he looks at you, only making this conversation more awkward now. He seemed to think about your words and the realization really hit him hard, and his face turns red, more likely from anger, and possibly embarrassment.

“You brat really think it's a good idea to say it right now-”

I think if you have yandere Number Five behind you, who, if you remember, is one of the most dangerous people in the world, then you must be pretty damn smart. You must be much smarter than him, considering the fact that you are a simple person with no abilities. It will be incredibly difficult for you to avoid problems if he wants to have you with him 24/7, since he can literally appear at any moment and move you anywhere and you won’t even have time to blink.

Dealing with a person with teleportation is a 50/50 situation where you may or may not get lucky. Your reaction should be quick and immediate, being able to analyze your situation in a stressful situation, because then the right to make a mistake is a luxury that you cannot afford.

Right now, one of your many attempts to escape from Five, and you can tell exactly how he is not happy about this fact. How many times have you already done this? Five times? Ten? Twenty?! He is tired of constantly pulling you away from leaving the house, you damn annoying him at such moments, and after each such attempt, he often has to change the doors and locks on the windows, because you, by some fucking miracle, manage to break them.

“Can you stop this for one freaking day?” he hisses angrily, wrapping one arm around your neck, pressing you closer to him.

His other hand is on top of your mouth, thereby shutting you up. Just from looking at Five's face, you can see how tired he is. Sweat runs down his forehead and his chest rises up and down incredibly fast.

There is a slight smile on your face and for a moment you froze, looking up at him.

“Oh, I'm really sorry for all the trouble I'm causing you,” you say in your real, sad voice. “And sorry about that too.”

Without giving your kidnapper time to react, you strike him hard in the side with your elbow, causing him to groan in pain and let go of you for a moment. Enough for you to be able to escape from it.

If you are smart and have abilities that can help you, then it will be a little easier for you. Because you can at least protect yourself a little if something happens. But in the end, Five is an experienced killer who has a lot of experience and a mountain of corpses behind his back, so at some point the cat and mouse games will end and you can hardly escape your fate.

“You really made me all so worked up over this little games of yous ,” he admits, tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear. “But in the end, you can’t run away from fate, right, angel?”

“My dear, it's only a matter of time before I can get away from you again,” you chirp happily, your wrists a little sore from how tight the ropes are pressing against your skin, but your whole appearance doesn't show it.

“Then I need to try to take this opportunity away from you forever,” his hand rests on your knee, squeezing lightly. Your breath is held for a moment and you look down, your heart beats stronger in your chest and it seemed that it was about to jump out.

He won't dare to break your legs, will he?

[mickeyswhore]

Just A Nobody

A/N: might feel silly and write a Part 2 of this, lmk if I should.

Summary: Homelander wants you, and you find an unlikely ally in Soldier Boy, at least that's what you think.

Soldier Boy x Reader

Warnings: not a lot of smut, manipulation, degradation.

GIF by @coppoladelrey

You started working at Vought while you finished college, Ashley needed a new assistant and she wanted someone young to be able to relate to the younger demographic that you represented. To say that your job was a nightmare was the understatement of the year, everyone treated you like a doormat, especially people in the Seven, except Starlight but when she left you were in the lion’s den again.

You had a system of how to navigate the supes, if it was The Deep, never be in a room alone with him under no circumstances. If it was Noir, it didn't matter because he never talked to you or anyone else for that matter so he was harmless, A Train was a mess and Ashley was very strict with you, never do any favours for him so you stayed away, Queen Maeve was always unpleasant with you so you stayed away. The only person Ashley said that you needed to do anything they asked was Homelander, which resulted in him rentelesly flirting with you. 

The different ways that you were avoiding him were insanely creative, you knew that no one could stop Homelander if he decided to attack you so you had to rely only on yourself and your intelligence. You were constantly stressed, every time you went to work you were on the verge of a panic attack and you were so close to quitting when Vought took it upon themselves to pay for your college.

“Ashley? What is this?” You were so pissed, you had written up your resignation letter and everything.

“You’re welcome are the only words that should be coming out of your mouth right now, darling.” You despised her tone, it was filled with a superiority complex.

“I didn't ask for this.” You protested.

“It wasn’t me, alright? It was Homelander! You made quite an impression on him, if I were you I’d express some gratitude.” She left, tears were already running down your cheeks. Homelander basically owned you and he would come back to claim you.

After freaking out and hyperventilating for hours in Ashley’s office, you decided to take a sick day and go to your apartment. You needed a way out of this but you had no idea of how yet, you took the subway and went home after warning Ashley.

At home you were thinking about what to do, if you ran away Homelander would eventually find you. He found his son and the mother and was with Vought’s help, you wouldn’t even last a day. While you were freaking out and thinking about all of the worst possible scenarios Ashley was blowing up your phone.

WHERE ARE YOU?????

SOLDIER BOY WAS FOUND

NEED YOU HERE STAT

NOWWWWWWWWWW

You thought that Soldier Boy was dead since before your father was born, maybe Ashley was mistaken? Maybe Vought being in disarray about this person would clear you from being away from Homelander for a while. You got up from your sofa and you were ready to get back to work and deal with Ashley almost having a mental breakdown. When you opened the door you saw him there, your blood ran cold.

“Homelander.” You whispered and he smiled, his smile always unsettled you. “What you’re doing here?” You had no idea that he knew you where you lived, that made you so fucking scared.

“I wanted to explain myself, I paid for your college tuition and we barely spoke before.” He entered your apartment and looked everywhere, you felt so violated.

“It’s gonna have to wait, Ashley needs me.” You were about to touch him so he could leave your apartment but his facade fell.

“She can wait.” You felt the urge to cry but somehow you didn't.

“Not really, Soldier Boy is back.” That was the first time you saw Homelander scared, and for a second you were more afraid of Soldier Boy than Homelander. Who was he that even the strongest man on earth is afraid of? “So I really need to go. You understand that, right?” You had no idea what he was going to do, you sighed relieved when he got out of your apartment.

“It’s fine, I’ll take you back to the tower.” Homelander motioned for you to follow him and you looked confused.

“No worries, I’ll take the subway.” He invaded your personal space and got inches near your face.

“I’m trying to be a gentleman here, girl. I said, I’ll take you.” Homelander was definetly getting off on the fact that you were scared of him, the way you smelled when you were scared and he didn't hide the fact that he enjoyed it. You simply nodded and the two of you walked in silence outside.

Outside, Homelander scooped you up and flew with you that made you so scared but you didn't even had the mental capacity to scream. You were at Vought in less than two minutes, you were about to remove yourself from Homelander when he kept you in place.

“Meet me in my room at 10, hm?” He smiled wickedly at you and released you. It felt as if you couldn’t breathe and Ashley’s words were repeating in your head:

“If I were you I’d express some gratitude.” 

You knew what was implied but you didn't want to do this, why it had to be you? Why couldn’t Homelander just find you unnatractive? You were just a nobody, why couldn’t it continue that way?

Ashley was waiting for you, and apparently all of the testing proved that it was Soldier Boy. How he was able to look the same age or get captured are questions that need to be answered. The two of you entered the room Soldier Boy was being held, Ashley needed to talk to him about all of the optics, how he was going to be in the Seven, if he insisted on it. Vought was more than happy to keep him under wraps, you can’t really control a supe, no matter how hard you tried.

Soldier Boy had his head down, he didn't look at Ashley when she introduced herself and started rambling about PR and how to mitigate the situation and you could tell that he wasn’t interested in the slightest. That’s when he looked at you, and the look he gave you was not one you describe, no one ever looked at you that way before.

“Shut the fuck up.” His voice boomed around the room and Ashley stopped talking instantly. “I’ll talk to her and her only.” Soldier Boy pointed at you and the two of you were speechless. Ashley quickly left the room and the two of you were alone, you sat down in the chair that your boss was sat a couple of seconds ago.

“Why do you want to talk to me?” You whispered, you have no idea why you had the courage to speak first maybe because since Homelander wanted you in his room, you had nothing to lose.

“I want to know what you do you think I should do, doll?” He looked genuinely interested in your opinion, but the reason behind it was totally lost on you.

“But why?” The look on your face could only be described as utter confusion making Soldier Boy laugh.

“You seem the only person I’ve seen so far to have integrity.” That took you by surprise and you simply nodded. “So? What do you think I should do?” He asked again, this time it seemed that was impatient.

“Well, you’ve been tortured by Russians all this time. The thing that seemingly makes the most sense is getting revenge?” It sounded more like a question than a statement and Soldier Boy picked up on that.

“You’re not sure? Speak up, woman.” He banged his hand on the table and startled you, making you jump slightly. 

“If I was you, I would take the time to decompress and enjoy something before going on a suicide mission killing everyone that wronged you.” You said rather quickly and he grinned at you.

“You’re not wrong, doll. Tell Vought that I want a private island, and if you want a promotion you can come live with me and be my handler, I’ll need one since mine is fucking dead.” He laughed and you were about to refuse when Homelander’s demand for you to be in his room flashed in your mind.

“Alright, I accept.” If that meant being as far away from Homelander as possible, you’d accept whatever job in a heartbeat.

“Great to hear, sweetheart.” Soldier Boy smiled at you, there’s no denying that he’s the most handsome man you’ve ever laid eyes on. “Are we done here?” He spoke in the direction of the glass, you could tell that he was annoyed but he wasn’t as scary as Homelander, you felt at ease with Soldier Boy.

----------------------------------

You didn't leave Soldier Boy’s side, the deadline to meet Homelander was approaching and if you were with a supe that wanted you near there’s nothing that Homelander can do, right? So you took full advantage of your brand new position, Ashley was annoyed about the fact that she needs a new assistant. But she wasn’t about to go against Soldier Boy, so she kept quiet.

Homelander was not happy about your new predicament, he was supposed to have you all to himself. He was looking for you, but you were packing all of Soldier Boy’s clothes that Vought even after all this time, that was very handy. Packing was always something that brought you peace, so you were humming your favourite songs whilst doing this chore. You gasped when you realised that Homelander was right behind you, he was angry you could tell that much, you looked around and realised that Soldier Boy probably went to the bathroon so you were all alone with Homelander.

“Let me get this straight, you’re going to jump on Soldier Boy’s dick the moment I pay for your college tuition? Talk about being an ungrateful brat.” He walked slowly towards you, and you took a step back.

“It was a job opportunity, a really good one…I…” Homelander raised his finger to stop you from talking.

“No, no.” He got closer to you, this was it. He was going to kill you, he raised his hand and caressed your cheek. “You’re not his, you’re mine.” You started crying, that’s when you heard someone clearing their throat.

“Do we have a problem here?” It was Soldier Boy and you were relieved, Homelander was pissed and your saviour was as cool as cucumber.

“No, we do not.” It was the first time you saw fear in Homelander’s features, and he quickly got away from you and he left without saying another word. After he left you sat down in Soldier Boy’s bed and sighed relieved.

“What’s going on between the two of you? Do I have to kill a supe to keep my handler?” Soldier Boy snickered and you let out a small laugh.

“He…always wanted…me.” The awkwardness seeping through every pore of your body makes you cringe. “He also demanded me to be in his room now…so…he came to talk.” Soldier Boy had a strange look on his face, the only thing that you could place was jealousy? That wasn’t possible, he barely knew you? You just ignored it.

“He’s never gonna bother you again, don’t worry.” Soldier Boy placed his hand on your thigh and it felt…nice. You knew that Soldier Boy was attractive, but him being comforting? The icing on the cake.

“Thank you, Soldier Boy.” You gave him a genuine smile.

“Ben.” You looked at him confused. “My name is Ben.” He clarified and the two of you smiled.

-------------------------------

You and Ben, as he insisted to be called were now in this private island. You realised quite quick that besides some members of staff that took care of cooking and cleaning, the two of you were all by yourselves. But other than that, you had the most amazing bedroom ever, it was bigger than your apartment and you couldn’t be happier to be away from Homelander.

Ben was always flirting with you, he never stopped. He was also touching you constantly but it never made you uncomfortable, it felt natural to have that intimacy with him. Your days consisted of just making sure that Ben was comfortable and if Vought had any plans for him, which they never did. That made the supe on the edge, you could that he wanted something and you had no idea what.

Until you found out.

It was raining, so neither of you left the house. Ben still hasn’t come out of his bedroom which was odd, he was the first one to wake up at 5 AM. You needed to ask him about what he wanted to eat, so you approached his door before you could knock you heard his gruntings and moaning, he was masturbating in there.

“I know you can hear me, doll. I can smell your arousal from a mile away.” You got caught and there was no way out, so you opened the door and there he was was, his dick was huge, it felt that it should be on a porn actor not a super hero. “There she is, why don’t you come here and let me fuck your mouth, huh?” It felt that he had power over you, so that was exactly what you did.

When you took his cock in your mouth, Ben grabbed your head and started fucking your throat. You tapped his leg so he could slow down but he didn't, you were gagging around his cock, it was painful but he never slowed down. Tears were running down your face, and you could hear Ben’s grunts and moans.

“Fuck, I’m gonna cum doll.” He warned and you felt the thick ropes of cum and that made you gag but you did your best to swallow it all, after you were done, you looked at him and he was trying to catch his breath.

“I knew that I made a good deal with Vought.” You looked at him confused. “They let me keep you to do whatever I want in return I don’t appear in public.” He kissed you but you didn't have the ability to kiss him back. “If I was you, I’d warm up to me real quick. There’s nowhere for you to go, and remember sweetheart, you’re just a nobody.” He laughed and went to clean himself, it was going to be a very different stay on this island now, Ben would make sure of it.

[ladybellissima]

Special Ending Finding Love Katakuri Charlotte x Reader

Step after step, she walked along the corridor of their shared home, deep in thought. Like a robot her hands glided over her already big stomach, concentrated to feel every little message her body might was sending to her. "(Y/N)…keep calm. Everythings alright. Your child is alright. You are alright. The doctors told you so…", she whispered with a deep sigh, nevertheless a smile spread across her face. Anytime she was going to be a mother. Anytime Katakuri would be called a father. How fast things could change. And how fast 9 months could pass. Again a certain pain errupted at her back and slowly crawled torwards her stomach.

"You will definately know the moment your baby wants to come."

Definately, (Y/N) knew that she was completely clueless. Sighing she thought about Katakuri, who she already brought on the verge of a mental breakdown, because of her uneasiness. And by god she felt huge. How was her stomach able to grow so much? And why did she feel happy and devasted at the same time?

"Something's wrong?", a certain deep voice cut through her thoughts and let her stop in her tracks. Turning (Y/N) was met with Katakuri's calm expression, still eyebrows raised in question of her sudden activity. Normally he found his wife sleeping or relaxing, waiting paitently for their special day. Or better, she wasn't really able to do much moving with her latest size. Katakuri couldn't but feel helpless about not being able to support her more. Only able to watch over her and listen to her worries, in hope to make things easier. And again he was right in finishing his work earlier, feeling that something was off. (Y/N) on the other side felt exhausted and strained of causing him to worry again. She couldn't help it. Couldn't hide her inner conflict.

"Nothing's wrong, Katakuri. I am just restless today..i..i know that everything's fine..yeah.", (Y/N) spoke with a short smile, while accepting his hug and sweet kiss onto her forehead.

"Tell me (Y/N)…", he whispered, while kissing her cheek. Avoiding his strong gaze, she felt uneasy to start.

"At the beginning of your pregnancy you've told me every little detail. Literally every little detail…", he spoke and had to chuckle of this certain call he got from her. Quickly he rushed back home, thought she was sick and needed help. With pride (Y/N) announced that she felt miserable and had to puke for hours.

"Back then, i thought you were terribly sick, but you just tried to tell me that you were pregnant.", he added and felt relieved to make her chuckle.

"Yeah, i just knew something was going on. I felt lightheaded all the time..", (Y/N) whispered with a sigh, while brushing across her stomach, till Katakuri took her hand. To think that this rough start was just the beginning of a honestly nightmare.

"Not to mention your sudden outbursts of anger about well… nothing. ", he joked and gave her hand a kiss. Oh how helpless he felt of (Y/N)'s tired and angered mood. Not that he never experienced a fight with his wife, but this was on a whole different level. Easily she left annoyed or grumbled and complained about simple things, like his leaving for his duties or on special days his breathing.

"Well but there was a beautiful answer, why all this happened. Alongside endless calls and visits of doctors…", (Y/N) started kind of ashamed. "To think how often we called out to the doctors..how stupid of me..", she spoke uneasy, while avoiding his strong gaze.

"You were afraid… that's okay (Y/N). It's your first. Better we check and ease your worries than let your fears haunting your mind..", Katakuri spoke, while touching her stomach to maybe feel his baby's push. How excited (Y/N) was bursting into his office at whole cake chateau, ignoring his complains how on earth she could travel without proper protection and pregnant on a ship, to grab his hands and lay them onto her stomach. And how dissapointed she was after Katakuri felt nothing, explaining that sure she felt a push and moving. To be honest he also felt slightly annoyed about the fact that he still didn't receive a push against his hand till today. Like getting already rejected.

"Yeah but it got out of hand. I honestly couldn't really calm down..is he or she okay? Still moving, still growing and not in danger..still alive.", she whispered afraid, while Katakuri gave her a short nod of approval. He knew and honestly he expected this journey to be more sweeter. Was beyond happy to have a child with (Y/N). Felt overwhelmed, proud and powerful.

But it wasn't an easy pregnancy.

At first (Y/N) felt excited, couldn't believe that she really was becoming a mother. But beside feeling terribly sick for a long time, (Y/N) felt like suffocating. Often panicked of this overwhelming feeling to lose control of her body, while her stomach grew. She felt mentally exhausted, ugly, fat. Never would she be herself again. And after all her personal conflicts, she felt uneasy of her baby's health either. How could the baby be okay, if she felt so damn sick all the time?

Sighing of thinking about their pregnancy journey, (Y/N) felt unbelievable grateful to have Katakuri by her side. He never complained and brought her even late at night to their doctor. (Y/N) knew that he was worried too. Sure terrified. Fighting with his inner self how to help her, but honestly there was nothing to do. It was fate. It was pure luck and patience that they had come this far. Slowly she reached for his face, pulling his scarf away to kiss him deeply, but a sudden shot of pain let her struggle.

"Tell me (Y/N)…", Katakuri spoke seriously, while watching his wife taking a seat. Sighing (Y/N) bite her lips in frustration.

" Okay. Well i feel a strange uncomfortable pain. Coming from my back and it's also spreading till here. ", she spoke with a hectic voice, while pointing at the certain spots at her stomach.

"You feel what!?!"

Holding her breath, (Y/N)'s body froze in the spot of her husband's sudden outburst.

"Isn't that bad!!? Pain is bad or not?", Katakuri suddenly spoke - shouted, quickly made sure she stays in her position in holding her shoulders. "Don't move so much! You make it worse! I've read that you shouldn't move and stay in bed, if you are in pain! Why were you rushing around like a maniac!?", he spoke shocked, while thinking of what to do first.

Blinking in surprise, (Y/N) scratched her head irritated. "You've read those pregnancy books too? In some way you sure are right, but i was thinking more about the pain of giving birth…maybe?" , (Y/N) asked frustrated, holding her stomach of another shot of pain.

"Well…well..maybe this was part at the beginning..i can't remember..hell..you tell me! Are you giving birth (Y/N)? Now?", Katakuri stuttered helplessly, while feeling drops of sweat already forming onto his forehead.

"I…i am not sure. It's not that bad. Maybe it's just a stomach ache. I don't want to cause another ruckus at whole cake..God Katakuri i don't know, what to do. Wait. Not wait. Maybe something's off. Maybe not. Hell what about all this lovey dovey shit in those shitty books about a beautiful pregnant woman with a small bump and no worries at all. Going for a daily walk, laughing and chatting with her prince charming and then blop…it's here!", (Y/N) growled pissed, balling her fists in anger. Katakuri knew right away to keep a safe distance and let his wife calm down.

"Okay..well think ..let's think ..", Katakuri spoke stressed, while walking up and down the corridor, like his lovely wife used to. Watching the sweet commander with a short smile, (Y/N) felt tears stinging at the corner of her eyes of another shot of pain.

"Katakuri…", (Y/N) whispered and made him stop in his tracks of her faint and shaken voice.

She knew.

"Please..bring me to the doctor.."

He didn't have to use his skills to know that things got out of hand from now on. And even if he had read books about pregnancies to be prepared, he wasn't prepared for this at all.

(Y/N) knew that it wasn't a piece of cake. Knew all too well that it would hurt badly, after already going through different stages of pain during her pregnancy. Starting from back pain, stomach ache, even her legs hurt endlessly and got swollen.

But

The pain of giving birth was overwhelming. On top of not knowing, if you are really in labor at the beginning. The more (Y/N)'s nervousness raise, the more pain shot through her back and stomach. Unbearable long cramps, which made her vision slightly blurry. In a way she felt kind of in a trance, everytime another shot of pain errupted inside her. Was this her final day? It felt surreal. Faces passed her vision, pale, afraid, shocked. Voices around her got louder, while she was carried secure in Katakuri's arms, whos voice cut through her shocked state. Shouting and ordering servants around. The next moment (Y/N) felt herself placed onto a soft mattress, while Brulee spoke soothing words to calm her down. But honestly, (Y/N) wasn't able to really listen to anyone, while Katakuri got pale like a ghost, after she couldn't but had to scream. Couldn't but had to plead. Couldn't but had to shout, while doctors just gave her an supportive smile and advice to breath. She felt lost. Helpless. Frustrated of not being able to escape. And there it was the point of regret. There was no going back. While (Y/N) went through hours of pain, Katakuri got pushed outside by his sister to calm his shaking form and prevent him screaming at the doctors, who waited paitently and observed his wife's Odyssey.

"This isn't normal!!! This can't be normal!", he growled frutrated, while holding his head in distress. Rubbing his back, Brulee tried to support him as good as possible.

"You've heard the doctors.. everything's fine. She is going through a natural birth. It's sadly normal to go through hours of pain. Believe in her…i know it's hard to watch her suffer…she is becoming a mother..can't believe it Katakuri. I am so excited..", she spoke and gave him all the time he needed to calm down, but the sudden call of a doctor let him freeze in the spot.

"Master Katakuri. It won't take long anymore."

Like a robot Katakuri stepped back into the room, ears drumming of (Y/N)'s screams, slowly stepping to her side. He never saw her like that. Never heard such screams, deep and filled with pure pain and horror. Helpless digging her nails into his skin, while clinging onto his arm.

(Y/N) didn't get a sign, but pushed. Pushed against the pain, till a sudden shot released her amniotic fluid. For a moment her body froze in the spot of comprehending the situation, till the waves of pain got her back into screaming. Doctors called out to her to wait, till she was ready, but all she was able to was push. Push to stop this nightmare. Push like an inner instinct to survive.

And suddenly her big bump got smaller, while the feeling of losing something overwhelmed her form. Shaken her body got kind of cold, sweat glistered on her exposed skin, realizing that she was completely exposed down under.

But it wasn't important, because a loud unknown voice echoed through the room. Took her place in screaming at the top of its lungs.

Shaken like crazy, (Y/N) started to cry bitterly. Pressing a hand onto her mouth, she tried to control her outburst of emotions. It wasn't possible. Overwhelmed her baby was placed onto her chest, the weight unexpected heavy, pressing down onto her. Crying she watched her child for the first time. Her beautiful little boy with crimson hair. Speechless her look wandered up to Katakuri, who watched his son with wide eyes.

"Katakuri …we have a son…he is finally here…", her raspy voice called out to him. Shaking his head of hearing her normal voice again, Katakuri took her hand to press it softly. "(Y/N)…", he whispered exhausted, while watching her in disbelief. He didn't need to say a word. She herself had to still come back to her senses. Calming down, slowly realizing that the pain was completely gone.

"Congratulation!! What's his name?", a voice called out to them to pull them back to reality.

Smiling at each other, (Y/N) and Katakuri touched their son's hand, still couldn't really believe that this little one was their own.

"You are already special and you will become so much more.. whatever path you choose..ours is already settled in believing in you…Okashi"

Hopefully it is the way you all wished 🥳❤️💚❤️ let me know 🎉🎊 and Okashi means Sweet in japanese 💚

[vinziel]

Hug Time? Male Reader x John Dory

A/N: First time writing angst. Yay.

Throughout the saving Floyd mission, you've noticed John Dory always tried to hug his siblings and you, but neither you nor his brothers hugged him. It seems you and his brothers are still uncomfortable. After a few months have passed since that day and you've grown accustomed to being touchy with John Dory but his brothers still need a bit of time, which was understandable, yet John Dory felt...distanced from his brothers, no matter how hard or how much he tried they never seem to get around and be comfortable with him. He thinks that maybe he'll never convince them but you always assure him that he can and it'll take time. John Dory felt assured but the feeling still lingered inside of him. One day, you were going out to buy some groceries, Bruce also came to visit at this time, John Dory, Poppy, Branch, Viva and the rest of the Brozone brothers were all talking inside the bunker, talking about anything really. Then the hug time bracelets went off and everyone started to hug each other, except for John Dory, whenever he would try to hug one of his brothers someone hugged them first, and he didn't want to just hug them still since he knew that they may not be so comfortable still. Now everyone has hugged someone.

John Dory was on the verge of a mental breakdown, he felt like crying, he was slightly trembling, thinking to himself "No John Dory, don't do it. Don't ruin the mood" He stands up and leaves without anyone noticing, he then goes to his shared room with you, locks the door and just quietly cries in bed. He had you and he was grateful but he still wanted at least one of his brothers to hug him or show the same affection he was giving them. He knew that he brought this upon himself but, it still hurts, to know your brothers still don't feel comfortable enough with you. Time passes by and Poppy notices John Dory is gone, and she gets a little concerned "Wait, did anyone hug John Dory?" She says. The brothers and Viva look at each other and shrug. All of them then went to your bedroom with John Dory room knocking on his door to no response.

You finally got back home with groceries, putting them on the table, you see a small commotion outside your room. "What's going on?" You ask, concerned and curious. "Well we're not sure. I think no one hugged John Dory during hug time, and we're trying to let him let us inside his room to maybe help him feel better" Poppy says before continuing "But he's not opening the door" You sigh, a frown on your face, visibly worried about how John Dory's feeling "Let me handle this" You say knocking on the door saying "John? Can you let me in? It's me, Y/N" The door then opens and you enter it, and close it, while the rest of the group goes back to the living room.

It was now just you and John Dory. He guys you, still quietly sobbing, as you take him to bed, sitting beside him "How are you feeling?" You ask, your voice is soft, stroking his hair, as you take off his goggles that cover his tear filled eyes, John Dory then just let's it all out on you, as you comfort him "It's fine, just let it all out" after a while of crying John Dory stops, it's been a while since he's ever actually cried so this was new, John Dory felt good letting it all out, as you both continue to hug "I just feel that maybe they still don't love me like a big brother. Maybe they'll never love me like a big brother, maybe I'll never get them to be comfortable with me. I-I" You sush him "Nonesense" John Dory then removes your hand and says "No! It's not nonesense! They still can't bring themselves to hug me, and every time it's just me and one of my brothers alone it's always awkward!" He yells, the walls were thankfully thick enough to make it soundproof which you're glad "I don't know what I can do to make them like me anymore. It seems no matter how hard I try, they still have resentment over me, no matter how hard they try to hide it, and maybe I deserve it. I-I just wish I can get them to at least not be awkward with me anymore, to be comfortable with me" He continues, his voice is breaking, he isn't yelling anymore, tears rolling down his cheek, he stopped hugging you, as he just puts his hands on the bed.

You always saw John Dory as being a bit too confident but now, it seems like this whole new side of him is new to you, he was being vulnerable with you, and he was letting himself cry, he's letting himself be all sad around you. You have a frown on your face, concerned for John Dory's mental health, you sigh and say "Look....sure it's true, you may have deserved this kind of treatment from your brothers but I assure you they still love you. It just takes time to get used to being around the person who was the reason you ran away from home, the person trying to force them to be perfect, so please John, don't give up and don't think that just because they haven't gotten comfortable with you doesn't mean they won't ever will" You kiss John Dory, in hopes it'll make him feel a bit better, John Dory kisses you back, and after pulling away, he smiles and wipes his tears "You're right, maybe they'll come around some day." He says "That's the spirit! Now let's go back to the living room." You exclaim.

Once you two are back in the living room, the Brozone brothers, Poppy and Viva, all hug John Dory, he's quite shocked by this, then Bruce starts to talk "We're sorry for not hugging you John. We know we may have been a bit resentful towards you at times but we want to assure you that we do still love you" Branch continues by saying "Yeah, we've seen your efforts in trying to make us be comfortable around you and we have been too harsh on you" All the brothers, Poppy and Viva then nod in agreement of Bruce and Branch's statement, John Dory starts to cry tears of joy "I love you guys. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that." He says. You watch this unfold with a smile on your face, appreciating the heartfelt moment. The day continues on as Bruce decides to cook you all dinner, you all eat together and The brothers now seem to be more comfortable around John Dory. Sharing laughs, sharing embarrassing stories about each other during the Brozone days (Mostly from John Dory). Yes this is truly the start of a new beginning among the brothers.

[mitsuki91]

Mega meta post about Coriolanus Snow, somehow copypasted from a discord chat.

The start point was the summary of a tiktok video (I will link it later): "Snow is not an evil genius, he is super emotional and everyone can see through his shit, he is constantly on the verge of a panic attack, and Sejanus and Ma' ignore it because they are desperate to feel they belong with someone"

So this are some takes:

About Sejanus: For me Coriolanus doesn't even think through, he was on the verge of panic attack and act, and then regret, and then try to justify himself, and then Sejanus was put in jail and he is in full panic attack mode and try to call Strabo because he doesn't want to kill his only friend for real (he can tell himself he despise him how many times he wants but in reality he grows fond of him) and then he is only defeated. He crossed the line. He can not go back. He doesn't know how to forgive himself.

That's why "the third one" line exist, because he feels real guilt. No ammount of self-justification is going to explain this in the deep of his heart.

If Coryo was only a cold mastermind he never even slip the "third" in that sentence.

Also, let's not forget, that until he found Sejanus was lying to him the thought of betraying him never ever cross his mind. Even if that makes him a rebel too.

He did it only because of the spiraling of paranoia. "If he lies to me like this then I can not trust him then even if I try to save him he can make me hanged".

Not that Sejanus was wrong for lying, in his own way he was trying to protect him so even if he was caught Coryo was clean.

About Lucy Gray and the downfall: Even the spiraling with Lucy Gray. He is so... He contraddict himself a lot and he ignite because in his own mind she lied to him.

I mean, he found the weapons, his first thought was "I'm leaving her".

NEVER in his mind cross the thought about "she can sell me to the soldier". EVER.

It's only after. After the shawl. Beside the snake that okay, enraged him... But the shawl is where he sees the first lie of Lucy Gray. And if she, a person who he trusts with all himself because she told him that trust is everything, can lie to him... Not having care of his precious shawl after she promised... What else could be lying about?

Then of course the snake, the fear for his life, the worst betrayal of all of this added together. But at the end of the day... Even after he try to kill her in the mental breakdown induced rage, he sees the food and thinks "well the Covey can have it or Lucy Gray can use it to survive".

He wants her to survive.

Deep down.

Because he knew he was wrong and he lost it but it's a wrong so wrong, so bad, he can never think about it directly.

I think if he had succed in killing her he could even commit suicide after. He was not in a good mental state. He was saved by... Hope.

(And I want to point out Lucy Gray has all of the reasons to do what she did and I will never deny that.)

Even at the end, because I re-read the passage in the book yesterday, he said something like "Talking about Lucy Gray with someone always make him sad".

He didn't want to erase her for erasing her, at the end of the day. He want to do it to try to not feel guilty, to not have a reminder everyday to see with his own eyes that he wronged her so bad he lost her forever.

I think now (years later in thg saga) everytime he watches the reaping at the start of every hunger games and the mayor tells the name of the past victor... "Lucy Gray Baird"... He is forced to remember and his heart ache and he feels anger at the same time, in a way like "How dare you say her name she was nothing for you she is nothing for you all how dare you".

About Gaul's philosophy take on humanity, that is bad and corrupted at the core: I mean he can say that out loud. He can even think that. But he knews, deep down he knews, that this is wrong. And he does it, he continue the hunger games and all. Because it hurts less this way.

Because what if he become a better president? If he try to hear people, to improve the quality of life of everyone?

Then he still had lost his Lucy Gray. The world is dark anyway. His heart is shattered anyway.

There is not point. At least he can try to belive that he is destined to darkness and greatness. He can become a killer, he knew how to kill. If he continue to do something unforgivable, sinking deep and deep and deep, at least Lucy Gray is really safe so far away from him. She will never came back because there is no point. She can be happy somewhere else.

He can be a real monster and it will not be... A waste.

Link of the tiktok:

[writertitan]

Perennial // Part 1

A/N: Hello! This is also being posted chapter by chapter on AO3. I'll be posting 2 to 3 chapters at a time here on Tumblr, just to keep things a little more condensed and organized for this platform. Enjoy!

pairing: levi x fem!reader

overall themes: fantasy AU, strangers to lovers, traveling through realms, explicit content

part 1 themes: traveling through realms, first meeting, reader's on the verge of a mental breakdown

word count: 4.9k

There was nothing left for you here and you knew that. Still, it was hard to look around at the place you’d called home for nearly five years and see nothing but pain and moving boxes. Your whole life was packed away in those boxes and yet there were still memories scattered around the house. The faded wine stain on the carpet from two years ago after you’d gotten too drunk and spilled a newly opened bottle was where it always was. On the top right corner of the front door, you could see the little flower your friend drew; you hoped the landlord wouldn’t notice it so that it could stay.

You’d lived here since you were 18 years old and now it was done.

The movers would be done soon. They were finishing up here and meeting you at your new place. Any second now, you’d be driving out of town to begin the newest chapter of your life.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive with you?”

You blinked and then there was Pieck, looking concerned and sad.

“I’ll be okay,” you assured her quietly, your arms hugging your torso. “Besides, it’ll be stormy soon. I know you hate driving in the rain.”

Her frown deepened and you knew she was going to press the issue with you, say something about how she’d drive in the rain for you any day, but you weren’t having it.

“I’ll share my location with you, so you know I made it safely. I’m kind of looking forward to the drive,” you said. It was a lie – you were dreading the drive. You were dreading this whole thing.

Pieck knew that but kept her mouth shut, nodding once with sympathetic eyes before turning her attention to the movers.

“Be careful with that box! It says ‘fragile’ on every side, can’t you read?” she nagged, stomping away to deal with them.

You smiled sadly and turned back to the front door, eyeing that little flower in the corner again. With a sigh, you bent down to grab your backpack from the floor, plucking your car keys from the top of it. You took off the apartment key and walked to the kitchen counter, leaving it there for your landlord, and you could feel tears sting along your lash line as Pieck approached you again.

“I’ll see you soon,” you promised her, pulling her in for a tight hug. She returned it and your heart broke at her sniffles.

“Be safe,” she whispered in your ear before breaking away, wiping her eyes. “I can stay here and see the movers out.”

You nodded and swallowed thickly, taking one last look around. You could only hope that the new tenants would make as many memories as you did. This was a good home, a good apartment. It had kept you safe for so many years.

Before you could really break down, you hurried out of the door with your backpack slung over your shoulder, smiling weakly at Pieck before closing the door.

Thunder rolled across the sky as you ran to your car, still parked in its designated space, and you took a deep breath as you unlocked it and tossed your backpack in the passenger seat. Just as you shut your door and put the key in the ignition, lightning flashed, and a few droplets of rain splattered across your windshield. You turned your car on and drove away from your home, and it took everything in your power to not look in the rearview mirror.

The rain started out as a drizzle, a peaceful and steady patter over your car that lulled you as you drove on the highway. You’d turned the radio on, keeping it at low volume, a mellow song playing quietly as your mind drifted between concentrating on the road and thinking about all the new changes in your life. It felt like you were always on the verge of spiraling these days.

As the rain picked up, your car also alerted you that you were low on gas, and you had to pull off the highway and enter the edges of a small town. The only option for gas that you could see was a dingy gas station, so it would have to do. Parking at a pump, you got out after pulling your hood up on your jacket, shivering as the humid, cold air hit your face. Usually, you liked the rain, but having to drive in it and get wet with a long drive still ahead was not helping your mood at all.

“Ah, fuck,” you cursed as you stood in front of the pump. There was a soaking wet note taped to the pump where the card machine was and, upon inspecting the only other pump available, saw that it held the same taped note.

CASH ONLY – PAY INSIDE.

Sketchy. So sketchy.

Still, you couldn’t make it that much farther on the little gas you had left, and there didn’t seem to be another option at the moment. However, one look at the gas station made you dubious that this was even a good option, either. The inside looked closed and desolate, and you weren’t sure you could see anyone inside.

You reached into your car to grab your backpack before locking it, just to be safe, and headed to the little gas station, where only dim fluorescent light flickered out from the windows, swallowed by the buzzing neon lights outside. The door wasn’t locked and so you entered slowly, a little startled when the bell above you jingled to signal your arrival. There was no one at the counter. Boring oldies music played faintly throughout the little store, and it smelled like someone had recently mopped. A good sign, then.

“Hello?” you called out, maybe not as loud as you could have, but hopefully loud enough that somebody could have heard you. It wasn’t like you were in a particularly large space.

You took another step toward the counter, wishing and yet dreading that someone would appear. To keep yourself occupied, you shrugged your backpack off your shoulder and unzipped the smaller pouch to grab your wallet, relieved to see that you had enough cash for a full tank.

However, you were still all alone, and another step towards the counter told you why.

Another note lay on the counter, this time with a different message that made you groan.

BACK IN 20 MINUTES.

How long that note had been there, you had no idea. However, considering it didn’t seem like someone had stepped away that long ago, you had some hope that the wait would be fairly short.

“As long as I’m here…,” you muttered to yourself, looking around. You were already running out of road trip snacks, so it would be smart to stock up again.

You perused each aisle, occasionally glancing back at the counter while you grabbed some chips, then some candy bars, before moving on to the drinks. As you took in the limited selection, fingers brushing over some off brand ginger ale, your ears perked up at a new sound. It wasn’t the sound of someone coming back to their post, but it was a sound you hadn’t noticed before. And it was indescribable. It was like a pulse, but more electric, but not like a buzzing sound. At first there didn’t seem to be an origin to it, but as you turned your head, you realized it was probably coming from outside.

It was like you couldn’t help yourself. You moved towards the door like you were possessed, feeling more and more in a daze the closer you got to the door. It didn’t make any sense, but you could have sworn that the door itself was the cause of the noise, and even though it was impossible, it looked off. It looked like it was warping, a little distorted if you looked too hard, but then back in focus once you realized something was wrong.

Without thinking, and without hesitation, you pushed it open.

You had no idea what to expect from opening the door. In fact, it hardly felt like it was your own choice at all, but more of a compulsion, like you had to do it.

At first, you were blinded by the neon lights outside, which didn’t make sense because they hadn’t been all that bright to begin with. But your vision was assaulted by those vibrant yellows and oranges and reds until you suddenly just felt…different.

You squinted your eyes to relieve them of the brightness, noticing that the pulsing sound seemed to be all around you, inside of you, in your head, until it all just stopped. The light slowly faded, until you were able to blink your eyes open again, and what you saw made no sense.

Your car was gone, the gas station pumps were gone. When you turned to look behind you, the dingy gas station was gone as well. In its place was a small wooden building painted red, with a white wooden door. When you tried to open it and go inside, you found it was locked. The only thing that proved you’d ever been inside a gas station was the armful of snacks you were still holding, which you promptly dropped out of pure shock.

“What the…,” you whispered. It was taking everything in you not to freak out.

This didn’t make any sense. Had you been drugged? Were you tripping out right now? Were you dreaming? Were you hallucinating? Were you dead?

You turned back around, blinking hard, but the view didn’t change. Your car was gone, the little road leading to the highway was gone, and now you were looking at a narrow street with colorful buildings pressed against one another, as if leaning on one another. If you weren’t so shocked, you would have admired how it looked.

You swallowed thickly, trying to get your bearings, and the only thing you could think to do was gather your dropped snacks and stuff them into your backpack, feeling a little bad that you’d taken them without paying. It was a silly worry, considering it should have been the last thing on your mind.

Fear and panic radiated down to your very bones as you stiffly craned your neck to look around, afraid to even take a step forward, but another attempt at the white door was useless. There was a window next to it, though it was impossible to look inside because a thick curtain blocked the view.

There was only one thing to do and you knew it. As much as you hated to admit it, you knew you had to venture out and figure out what was going on. The only way to get answers was to solve this very jarring and horrific mystery.

You weren’t the courageous type. Taking risks was nausea-inducing and having a predictable routine was your idea of nirvana. That’s why uprooting your entire life was more stressful and painful than you could admit out loud; the unknown had always been too scary. So this? This was going to fuck you up for life.

You swore loudly and banged on the door, the only time you’d allow your emotions to show physically, before taking a deep breath to calm yourself.

Once your backpack was securely on both shoulders, you gripped the straps tightly and took a tentative step forward, a shaky breath of relief leaving you once you realized you hadn’t exploded.

The street’s concrete was worn but looked sort of maintained, no potholes or deep cracks. You looked to your left, then to your right, unsure of which direction to go. To your left, the road and buildings seemed to open up around a circular marketplace, empty and quiet right now, which was unnerving. To your right, the street continued, even seemed to connect with other small streets and, in the distance, you could see that this little town eventually gave into a forest. That’s where you would go first.

“Wait…why would I go there first?” you asked yourself out loud, hesitating in the middle of the street. It seemed so counterintuitive, and yet…your heart tugged towards that forest. It looked so serene and inviting. Plus, there wasn’t much going on over at the market square.

The sun was setting, and a gorgeous golden glow bathed your surroundings, making you realize that it wasn’t raining anymore. Or, rather, it wasn’t raining here, wherever you were. Maybe it was still raining where you had been before.

As scared and wary as you were, you had to admit that this place emitted a very calm energy. Peaceful. Though you couldn’t find traces of a single other person as you walked, you could hear crickets and some birds singing to each other, echoing each other’s song. You peeled your hands off your backpack straps and pushed your jacket hood off your head, tilting your head up to the sky. It was a beautiful sunset, the colors rich and bleeding into each other effortlessly. It felt different from other sunsets you’d seen before, as if you’d only ever seen watercolor sunsets and this was your first oil painting.

You passed by a few other streets that formed intersections with the street you were on, paying no mind to them. The buildings all looked the same, crammed together and cozy and as picturesque as the next. As the sunset faded and twilight arrived, the part of town you were in grew darker, while something about the forest seemed to beckon you, because it seemed to come alive. As you looked around, you noted that the buildings that were all squished together didn’t have lights of any kind. The only things lighting your way were the old-fashioned streetlamps, flicking on one by one, as if guiding you towards your destination.

The fear that had ebbed and flowed within you was coming back now that night was approaching, and you quickened your pace, hands grasping at your backpack straps again. You surprisingly felt more relieved the closer you got to the forest. Fireflies swirled at the edges of the forest, where civilization met the trees and greenery, and a sense of invitation called you closer and closer. Birds still chirped, and the crickets were even louder, and everything seemed so vibrant even as the sunlight died.

And then, finally, as the stars twinkled and took the sun’s place, everything came to life.

It startled you, going from being all alone and scared to being surrounded by people and scared. They spilled from the forest and bustled around you, busy and determined and loud. Throngs of them emerged from the trees, laughter and chatter filling your ears. Fireflies flew around them, creating an amazing light show, but you felt stuck in place as everyone moved past you. You didn’t know what to do. You wanted to scream at the top of your lungs for someone to help you, but then what would you tell them? That you teleported? That you’d been drugged? That maybe you were on some alien planet after an alien abduction gone wrong?

You felt invisible. Everyone pushed past you and barely seemed to notice you at all. It didn’t matter that you radiated panic or that you looked scared and desperate for even an ounce of attention from somebody, anybody. And the more you looked at the people around you, the more you realized that they also seemed strange. They looked like normal people, yes, but were dressed oddly, nothing modern at all, but more like period costumes. Maybe this was some type of movie set? A weird Edwardian LARPING session?

When you tried to move, you found it difficult to maneuver around the swarms of people. Finally, when you pushed your way through the crowd to get some leeway, you drew attention to yourself. Suddenly, being ignored hadn’t seemed so bad, after all.

More and more eyes landed on you, staring in shock or confusion or both, and it made you shrink into yourself. Again, you wanted to use your voice and ask for help, but your throat felt like it had closed up so no sound could come out.

“Hey! What are you doing here?!” a voice asked, and then it felt like the crowd was closing in on you.

You gulped and then made a run for it, barreling past people and running fast, not even knowing where you were running, exactly. The only clue you got was hitting a few branches as you ran, a hint that you were entering the forest. Hopefully you could find some seclusion and get your bearings again, away from all those people.

So, you were unwelcome. That was good to know.

Eventually, the trees became larger and taller, and there were less traveled dirt paths to follow, and the sounds of people became faint. At the same time, it became darker, less fireflies and less moonlight reaching your eyes. That fear of the unknown pricked at your chest again. You dared to take a few steps farther before leaning against a gigantic tree trunk to catch your breath, tears pricking at your eyes.

What a horrible day. It felt like your mind was breaking. It didn’t even feel like any of this was real. Was any of this real? Why was everyone so…startled by you?

“There you are,” a voice spoke up from your right, making you jump in surprise and whirl your heard in that direction.

At first, you didn’t say anything, only took the sight of the man in. There was just enough light to see he had black hair and piercing eyes, a short but strong build, his gaze calm and collected, different from the shocked looks you’d been getting.

At last, you finally found your voice.

“Can you help me?” you asked, disregarding the way he’d greeted you, as if he’d been looking for you. “I’m…I’m lost, I think.”

“I’ll say,” the man scoffed, taking a slow step towards, probably in order to not frighten you more than you already were. “How did you even get here?”

“I don’t know,” you choked out, the tears coming back full force. “I think I was drugged or something, and then maybe someone tried to traffic me, or kidnap me? Because I was at a gas station and then suddenly, I was here instead, and all I did was open a door, and I didn’t pay for my snacks—”

The man lifted a hand in a gesture that was meant to shush you, and you did so immediately.

“What’s your name?” he asked.

“My name is…,” you began, your voice barely above a whisper, but you hesitated, unsure of whether or not you wanted to trust him. But there was no use in delaying it – you needed help.

But the man suddenly gave you a curious look, a look of bewilderment flashing through his grey eyes before it vanished just as quickly.

“Embla,” he muttered, sounding a little surprised.

“That’s definitely not my name,” you told him, confused at what he’d called you. But even when you told him your name, he seemed to disregard it.

“My name is Levi,” the man, Levi, said. “I can help you, but you have to trust me. Can you do that?”

Slowly, you nodded once, after a moment of thought. There was no other way. You couldn’t get out of this by yourself. You had no idea where you were or what was going on.

“Why are you helping me?” you asked, taking a step towards him.

It was his turn to ponder your question, until he eventually just shrugged. “I’ll ease you into everything as slowly as possible.”

That wasn’t much of an answer, but you let it slide for the time being.

“Everyone knows you’re here now, so we’re going to have to take some less traveled paths to get you someplace safe,” Levi explained.

“Why? Is it bad that I’m here?” you asked, worry creeping back into your bones.

“Not bad, per se, just…unexpected,” Levi answered, not looking at you. “Try not ask too many questions right now. It’s better if you dip your toes in. I think that’s the right phrase.”

It took a lot of willpower, but you swallowed back your millions of questions and let Levi lead you farther into the forest. You felt like you were rats in a maze, twisting around these enormous trees and tripping over logs and bushes and whatever else, until the trees began shrinking in size and volume and you finally stepped into a clearing.

You blinked in wonder, in awe at the vastness of the clearing.

Even in the night, the field was a rich green, pockets of wildflowers dotting it. Up above, the moon, full and bright, glowed proudly amongst the stars. Beyond the field, thin trees like the ones surrounding you subtly hid a very large lake that didn’t seem to end, it could have even been an ocean. Moonlight glinted off of it, and you were sure you saw fireflies dancing on the water’s surface. But in the middle of it was a short and bulky building. It looked more like a glorified shed than anything else, sitting on top of a small tuft of land that poked out from the water.

“That’s where we’re going,” Levi said.

The two of you stepped out into the field, the moon bright overhead, and you suddenly felt exposed. Strangely, you found yourself scooting a little closer to Levi, hoping for some added protection. You hadn’t come across any animals just yet, and you hoped it stayed that way. The last thing you needed was a run-in with a wolf. Or even something worse.

You tilted your head up to the sky, blinking once in surprise when you finally took a good look.

You’d never seen so many stars in all your life, and it seemed as though a falling star shot across the sky every couple of seconds. The moon looked so big, too. Had it always been this big? Or maybe in this place, the moon was bigger? The deeper you looked into the sky, you could have sworn you saw more…

“Hey. Embla,” Levi called out, snapping you out of your thoughts. “Keep up.”

You blinked again and tilted your head down to look at him. You hadn’t realized you’d stopped walking; you’d been so entranced with everything.

“Sorry,” you mumbled, jogging up to where he was and matching his pace, your eyes back on the lake and the little hut you were headed toward.

Then you realized what he’d called you, and you asked, “Why are you calling me that? I already told you my name.”

Levi seemed reluctant to answer you, and only gave you the brief response of, “It’s what you are.”

Huh. Maybe it was some term here in this strange place. But you didn’t know what it meant.

You pondered that for a while and then turned to Levi again, nodding your head in the general direction of the shed-thing, then asked, “What’s in there?”

“I told you not to ask too many questions,” Levi answered curtly, and you huffed a little in response, slightly offended.

“I’ve barely asked any even though I have a million of them,” you protested, frowning at him. You tripped a little on a small rock and felt your face grow hot, but Levi didn’t comment on that.

Levi debated for a moment, then gave you a sidelong glance as he answered, “That’s the Norchek Temple. It’s just a…pit stop. It’s going to take us someplace safe.”

“Take us someplace safe,” you repeated, a little confused. Was there some sort of underground tunnel there? You couldn’t even see a way to get to the temple from where you were, no bridge or boat of any kind. Did Levi expect you to swim? And why were you not safe where you currently were?

You mulled over his words as you approached the edge of the lake, your eyes scrutinizing the temple. Before you could say a word, a ripple in the water caught your attention, and you watched in disbelief as a small stone bridge slowly rose from the water. It rose high enough for the narrow path to not be submerged in water, and then it stopped, and the water was as still as if the bridge had always been there.

“Ladies first,” Levi said, and you hesitated for a moment, looking towards him with a scrunched-up brow.

“Is it safe?” you asked.

“Haven’t you ever heard the term ‘act now, ask later’?” Levi quipped, and you gave him a glare.

“I can’t say that I have,” you snapped back, but gulped down your fear and squeezed your backpack straps for comfort as you took a hesitant step onto the bridge. When you realized it would likely hold your weight, you stepped onto it with both feet, your pace already hurried as you crossed the narrow bridge. It was so narrow that you couldn’t stand side by side with Levi, but he was close behind.

As soon as the two of you stepped onto the small tuft of land harboring the temple, you turned to see that the bridge was lowering itself once again, slowly submerging itself back into the moonlit water. And, only a small ripple happened before the water was as still as ever, like nothing had ever disturbed it. You stood there, mesmerized by the way the surface reflected the night sky and those trillions of stars and meteors flashing by, until Levi cleared his throat and snapped you out of it.

“You have to keep moving,” he instructed. “Don’t get too moon-eyed over everything and freeze up like that. There’ll be plenty of time to do that later.”

He led the way into the temple, and you stayed quiet, taking in the wooden structure. The sun-bleached panels splintered and glistened with droplets of water, and the inside of the temple smelled humid, but also faintly of incense.

You could barely see inside the temple and felt that surge of panic inside of you again, gripping your insides and squeezing tight. You were so caught up in the panic that you accidentally bumped into Levi.

“Sorry,” you mumbled, a hand over your thumping heart. “I can’t see that well and I’m kind of freaking out.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Levi said.

A second later, you were surprised to see a glimmer of light in front of you. Your eyes adjusted until you could make out what was emitting the light: a mirror.

How strange. It didn’t help your panicky attitude at all.

“How is it doing that?” you asked, mostly to yourself, knowing Levi was probably going to be too vexed to answer another question.

There was something strange about the mirror, other than the fact that it was somehow lighting up the little room. It held your reflection in it, and you could see Levi right next to you, his arm brushing against yours, but it was like there was something behind your reflection. Like a two-way mirror.

All it took was two small steps to be right in front of it, close enough to reach up and tough the glass. Before you could do that, however, Levi’s fingers wrapped around your hand and yanked it back down to your side.

“Not yet,” he said, his reflection staring at you.

Still holding your hand, he outstretched his other hand towards the mirror, his eyes closing as though he were concentrating very hard on something. You were surprised to see him break out into a sweat, until slowly, the mirror began to emit even more light, until you also had to close your eyes.

“Do you feel it?” you heard Levi ask from beside you.

You were about to ask what he meant, since you felt nothing but anxiety, but then you paused. Something stirred in your chest and mind, like something was waking up inside of you. It felt familiar and you tried to place the feeling to no avail.

“I feel it,” you whispered, a hand moving to your chest.

It felt electric inside of you now, and somehow it felt loud, and –

You froze, recalling the last time you’d had this feeling. It was the same thing you’d experienced when you went from the gas station to wherever you were now.

“Step through,” Levi urged you, and you felt that prick of fear again, the fear of the unknown. You knew what he meant. Step through the mirror. It was some type of doorway. But your feet didn’t want to move at first, until the feeling got stronger inside of you and it felt like you were compelled to walk forward, a hand outstretched in front of you, waiting for the feeling of your fingertips pressing against glass, but it never came. Levi’s hand was the only thing that even felt tangible at that moment. The light snuffed out as soon as you felt yourself pass through some invisible barrier, and the electric feeling inside of you faded quickly. It felt too much like last time. Finally, you opened your eyes, and were stunned.

read part two here

[angelosearch]

Writing, and how it helps with a loud brain.

I am not an unusual person with mental illness in the sense that I think, a lot. My brain constantly searches for things to chew on, and it's natural inclination is toward self-criticism/hatred.

The thoughts move fast. I'll start with one concept and then other ideas get swept up with it. Supporting scenarios get analyzed. Social interactions get recontextualized. It builds momentum in the quiet, and the faster it gets, the louder it seems, until I feel like I've been sucked into an inescapable thought-tornado.

The trick is to slow it down early with some sort of intervention.

There are plenty of interventions that no longer serve me that are very effective - things that amounted to escapism, sometimes unconsciousness. At one time, I was so opposed to being with my own brain, I would avoid going home. I'd go out to bars every night, spending more money than I had, drinking more than I should, sharing my time with people I no longer know. I would stay at work long past my shift.

When I had to go home, I became set on clouding my mind until it was completely opaque. If all else failed, I just slept to avoid myself. I abused benadryl at one point so I could sleep through my days.

I've done a lot of work to understand where these thoughts come from, how to challenge them, and how to slow them, but there are still times when the thought-tornado touches down and picks up my perverbial brain-cow and takes it for a whirl. But I don't fear the funnel like I used to.

Writing helps me in multiple ways.

For one, if I chose to write out the negative thoughts instead of just thinking them, the narrative distance helps them feel less true. I also write slower than I think, so if I concentrate on capturing the ideas, I will never catch up. It's harder for the speed of the thoughts to build, especially in pen.

There is an element of escapism, but not to the point of avoidance. I will often start writing while I am trying to calm down, and then, once more level, I will come back and think about things more clearly. I also process a lot of what I think and feel through writing, even in fanfiction. Sometimes I give my characters the breakdown I am on the verge of, and the degree of separation makes it less severe.

And then, of course, writing is just fun sometimes. I get excited about ideas and it puts the self-hating thoughts on pause. It only takes a few minutes of a mindful activity to calm the nervous system, and it is important I don't let the thought-tornado hit those power lines.

I enjoy writing so much that I have learned to live more effectively with these thoughts. I don't want to run away from my brain, because yes, it is mean to me sometimes, but also it can create wonderful things. I find myself doing less and less to alter my state of consciousness because I want to be able to write. I can sit with myself, and that is something that, as an adult, I could not do until recently.

To mix metaphors here, I will tell you what I told my therapist this week:

My head used to be like a shitty gas station at night. I wanted to be in and out quickly, get what I needed and run. It was not a welcoming place, or a place that felt safe, and I would never go unless I needed to.

Now, my head more like a mid-teir grocery store (Safeway) a few days before a holiday. It's busy and stressful and over-stimulating, but I will go, and it will be safe, just a little frustrating. I will linger sometimes because I'll find an interesting product or I'll be willing to wait at the deli. As maddening as it can be, there will be some part of there experience to enjoy - maybe the early 2000s soft rock song over the PA or the fact the thing I needed was on sale.

Someday, I hope my head is like a really nice grocery store (Wegmans) at a time when it is empty, maybe at 5 am when they bring out the fresh bagels. Then, I won't mind wandering for hours.

Anyway that was a tangent, but I was writing this to calm a thought-tornado and, guess what? It worked. Writing for the win, ya'll.

[rekino2114]

Could you do yttd girls with a reader like Nagito Komaeda?I love your blog ;)

Yttd girls with a nagito komaeda reader

A/n:Thanks so much. And i love your request cause it's the first yttd one, also I know this sucks I didn't have that many ideas, I feel so sorry giving you this after you complimented my blog😭 also sorry I couldn't think of anything interesting for nao and the dummies.

Spoilers for your turn to die

Sara chidouin

When you first met after being kidnapped, sara liked you, she thought you were just another normal person who was forced to participate in this game.

It was only when you completely went insane during the first main game that she realized she was wrong.

She started to notice the similarities between you and sou, namely the fact that you both were kind of psychotic so she just stays away from you two. Sara in on the verge of a mental breakdown every 15 minutes in this death game she doesn't need another crazy person to deal with.

She's kind of annoyed at your talk of hope and your luck mainly cause you somehow always end up with the commoner or sage card while she had the keymaster and sacrifice in a row.

"Ah, Sara how are you doing on this fine day?"

"..........."

"Oh? Are you ignoring me? I understand a beacon of hope like you should never interact with trash of my kind"

"*sighs heavily*"

Reko yabusame

She also thinks of you, kinda similarly to how she views sou:a weirdo

You always compliment her singing which makes her really uncomfortable.

She tried to punch you when you said any of your weird things after Alice's death( if we're in her route)

"Reko your singing is truly sublime, might I call you the ultimate singer?"

".....the fuck are you on about?"

Sue miley

At first, she thought you were another boring participant that she would enjoy seeing suffer, but during your crazy monologue in the first main game she realized you are much more interesting than that.

Even if you were kind of insulting her calling her an agent of despair or something similar, she didn't pay attention, she could see it in your eyes, that same look she had, you were insane and you weren't even faking it like sou,that made you much more interesting and entertaining in her eyes.

She was pretty sad that you had to go to the other floors, but she could still watch your progress, she kinda started rooting for you to win, and she tried talking the other floormasters into increasing your chances of survival after what they saw.

"Listen y/n, before you go, i wanted to tell you that you're much more entertaining than the others I would appreciate it if you were to win"

"I don't plan on winning but destroying this game so that everyone can see that hope will win against despair"

"Tch whatever, just don't die"

Tia safalin

To be honest, she's kinda scared of you. You remind her of ranger, but somehow more sadistic and insane.

She's very impressed and kinda freaked out by the fact you somehow always complete the attractions without receiving any damage because of your luck.

She'd like to study your brain, so she tries to convince you to use her machine a lot, but you always refuse cause you just have no trauma even after everything that happened, which makes her even more curious and scared.

"H-hey y/n are you OK?"

"Ah, safalin, yes, please don't worry about me. I'm totally alright"

"A-are you sure? I-i could help you if you want"

"No it's fine you don't need to worry about trash like me"

"........o-ok"

Maple

You two surprisingly get along pretty well maybe because the only person who can understand and not be freaked out by your personality is literally not a human.

You're intrigued by how technological her body is and how she can feel emotions despite being a doll, you liked seeing her hopeful face when she talked with you

You feel incredibly angry towards midori for what he did to her, and when she died, you swore to kill him because he was the epitome of despair in your eyes.

"Oh y/n, you're back! I'm so happy would you like some tea?"

"Thank you maple, yes I would like some"

"I'm glad you come to visit me so often, it gets lonely in here"

[swamp--girl]

I'm not kidding I fucking hate working & the idea of having to do it for the next 40-ish years makes me SICK

I just need to vent lol I hate the obligation to show up to work, I hate not having enough time to do things I want to do!! I had a month off not long ago & all I did was basically just NOTHING because it was so nice to have a break from work with no obligations, like a lil reset, but by the time I felt like I'd chilled enough, my time off was up & I hadn't done any of the things I wanted to do!

Is it just me ? like is this bc of my mental illnesses that this whole concept is so fucking unbearable or do Normal ppl feel like this? Like I genuinely feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown when I think about this, I just cannot stomach the idea of HAVING to give up all this time to slaving away!

I literally called in sick today just bc the thought of going to work was so unbearable & it wasn't even going to be that bad of a day, tmrw is way worse so I should've done it tmrw but the thought of going in today just! SICKENING !

And really my job is fine! Not Great but Fine! I quite enjoy the actual work I do, it's more the technical side of things I don't like (rostering system is dogshit, don't like the travel), & I just can't imagine what job I would actually be happy to do for so long? Every job I've had I get sick of at about the 1yr mark & from then it's like a switch has flipped & I'm just itching to get out, the thought of going back becomes unbearable.

I seriously think I don't even care enough about anything to want to make a career out of it, & if I do then the idea of "tainting" it by making it Work & not Hobby just disgusts me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do or what I even can do. I literally feel sick to my stomach even thinking about it :)

This shit sucks !!!

[realwizardofass]

I am Calrissian Steele. And I’m not okay.

I don’t usually like to do this. I already feel like a burden as it is. And what’s worse is that no matter what, no matter how many times people tell me I’m not a burden. I’m not a problem. They don’t hate me or feel stressed cause of me. I can’t believe it. I can’t stop blaming myself for how I feel. I can’t stop hating myself. I can’t stop feeling like a burden. I can’t stop thinking people are lying to me. I wish I could not believe any of it. I wish I could heal. I wish I could move on. I wish the suffering would stop. But no matter how many times I go through it, no matter how many times I am reassured. I just can’t get rid of it. It’s a wall I can’t get over.

I am really tempted to destroy any close relationships I have because I am tired of burdening them with my problems. To free them from me so they can live a less problematic life. So they no longer have to deal with my constant bullshit.

I hate that I constantly feel like I’m being lied to. I know it’s irrational. I know that is not normal and more than likely not true. But my mind keeps convincing me that it is true. And when your brain knows you better than you do. It’s not something to easily dismiss and shrug off.

At my worst, voices in my head come out. Multiple voices screaming and whispering at the same time, unwrapping countless threads of why my life is awful and not only will it never get better. It will always get worse. And it’ll be all my fault. And that’s why I should end my life. They find and pick out countless memories and instances to show me why how I am is my own fault and I can’t be saved. They make very convincing arguments that are hard to deny. They come out every so often and it’s so unbelievably painful that it’s almost physiological suffering on top of mental torture. I start screaming like I am being hurt because it’s a natural instinct. Even though I feel no actual pain. But it’s as if I am.

I can be in control of myself, I can at ease. Holding it together. Even having a good and productive day. And one tiny thing can set me off into a mental breakdown and lose it. I will just start screaming and ranting about myself and others uncontrollably. I know what I’m doing is irrational. I know what I’m doing is wrong and over the top. But I can’t stop myself.

I feel like I will never recover. Like I am permanently damaged and I can never be put back together. And I feel like it’s my fault. And also, nobody will EVER understand. Like I’m completely alone in the world and no matter how much affection I seek, no matter how much love I wish to feel, no matter how much I want to be cared for, no matter how much people say they understand… it will NEVER be enough. It will never satiate my feelings of wanting to be appreciated and understood.

I am a few months away from being on the verge of homelessness. On the street. Living in my car with my animals. I am trying to mentally prepare for it as best I can. But the imminence is slowly rotting me away from the inside. I have tried countless forms of help from the state, from different programs and nothing is really available. There are so many people seeking help but not much funding to help people. I feel soon, I will also fall through the cracks and be on the street as well. And feeling like it’s my fault is it’s own brand of hell.

I lose myself in daydreaming all the time. Sometimes it’s delusions of grandeur of how someday I will be famous, or mega strong, driven and talented. Be a beacon of hope for people who suffer like I did and put out art that will change the world. Other times it’s the exact opposite. It is daydreams that become nightmares of killing, maiming, and destroying everything around me. Exacting revenge on the world in extremely violent ways that are hurtful to think about. Harming what’s closest to me and even my animals. Visualizing these things, feeling them… they seem to almost feel real and it sucks to say the least. It’s like a physical jolt that is fed through your brain uncontrollably and no matter how many times you try to dismiss it… it just keeps repeating like a broken record. Over and over and over again.

I have gotten close to committing suicide several times this year. From almost buying a gun. To setting up a plan. To even slightly trying out that plan to ensure it’ll work. It will if I did it. I overdosed last year on hard alcohol and Xanax. I was out for 3 days and was brought to the hospital in an ambulance and had to stay there for a few more days. I walked out in silence and had to walk in socks in the snow to reach a place where I could get an uber. I hate hospitals. They do nothing for you except boredom. Being stuck inside your head away from any sort of comfort. They do nothing for me.

In case you don’t know and most of you don’t, I was in an abusive marriage and had to escape a little over a year ago. It has been extremely difficult these past couple years. Hardest and more chaotic I’ve ever had. It was classic narcissistic, trauma bonding relationship. I was Made to feel special, feeling loved, feeling praised and appreciated only for it to be taken away and then talk down to me, berate me, scream at me, tear me down, and lie to me. At my most vulnerable and crying like a baby, I was told I was pathetic by the person who I thought was my soulmate. By the person I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with. It turned out for about a year they were doing drugs behind my back. Hard drugs and they started losing their mind and they made it seem like it was my fault. I had to leave to save myself and I was harassed and berated over and over again. Even had money stolen from me. False promises and everything in between. They are no longer the person I once knew. Even her own family no longer recognizes them.

I grew up in my childhood feeling unloved, ignored, and feeling like a burden. Like I was an annoyance. In my black and white autistic brain, I thought… if I’m not loved then I deserve to be hated. And I made that a self fulfilling prophecy that I can’t get rid of and has only worsened with age.

I’m just tired of suffering. I wish it would go away and I’m sorry if I’ve hurt anyone or made them feel used or stressed you out or have caused anxiety or pain.

I am Calrissian Steele. And I’m not okay.