#i want to live on my own so badly
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I am not in a good mood at all rn. Got an email from my landlord saying I need to do more cleaning or else I'll get in trouble but I'm the only person in this hall that actually cleans anything which means someone is throwing me under the bus and claiming I do nothing and it's really pissing me off. I can't move until November but I also don't have a job so even when November comes around I won't be able to pay rent anywhere and I'm seriously on the verge of crying. I do not have the money to pay them to get someone else to clean since their standards are so high... I worked really hard so I could have somewhere to live and finally have an address of my own since I spent 3 years sleeping on the floor at my dad's and it's just unfair that things ever seem to work out for me :(
#my dads flat is very small he doesnt even have a bed he sleeps on the sofa#so it's not like he made me do it and he had a bed#he's not sleeping the best either#i just feel so :(#sky rambles#i want to live on my own so badly#but it's so expensive#this was the only option i had to have my own space#up until November last year I had never had my own bedroom#so having my own room was a big thing for me#i've been through so much in my life which I will not talk about on here#i just want something to go right for me in my life#i rlly thought i'd be able to find a job by now#but lmao :)#i'll never forgive my old place#firing me for being mentally ill#after I had people laughing at me and making me cry#because I like a fictional character#and having people make me do things i wasnt qualified for me and then shouting at me when I messed up#i'm so hopeless i need something good to happen for me or else i'll go insane
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but when they're out on that river bank alone, what javier should be loyal to doesn't feel as confusing anymore
#also known as 'he wants so badly to run away with his boyfriend and marry him and live happily ever#after'#but his commitment to dutch and the gang breaks his heart#i want them to be happy SO BAAAD SO BAD IM GOINGN TO THROW YP#also the top right one comes w a headcanon#which is that kieran can only bathe if javier is there (and only javier) because otherwise he's too terrified of being k*lled for either bei#ng trans or just in general because he's alone#so that's why he's usually stinky#he really hates being stinky but he doesn't consider it worth dying over#anyway i love them so bad and their little fishing dates#kieran infodumps the whole time and javier feels so lucky to be alive because he knows kieran doesn't talk around anyone else near as much#if at all#javier knows 99% of the fish knowledge but he never interrupts and is always happy to listen to kieran yap about every other topic too#i need to put javi in an 'i ❤️ my autistic boyfriend' shirt#ok i'll shut up now#also i know this composition looks like total shart i'm literally the worst at doing them </3 be nice to me#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#kieran duffy#javier escuella#javieran#am i allowed to say that i own this ship#considering i literally made it LOL i feel so proud even tho it also makes me miserable that i bascially have no one to talk to abt them#image#art#hero draws sometimes
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Some of yall are too damn precious about your ocs being totally 100% original nothing else in the entirety of humanity like it.
N then the ocs is like. A human guy in a suit. Or a catgirl. Or some other extremely generic concept.
'Don't ever tell someone that their ocs reminds you of a different character cause it's insulting' you sound insecure. Like. Wildly so.
#other#t talks#like. unless youve never read a book watched a movie or show or listened to a story. then your shit isnt original.#get over it. having lot of influences is a good thing.#acting like you have none is crazyyyyy. imagine wanting to boast that you have no experience with stories or character design.#anyways. let play guess the homestuck character that most influenced my ocs. well start easy! agate!!#the answer is mindfng!! i want space pirates so badly i had to make my own then also a whole damn galaxy for her to live in 💛
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Fuck you season five episode nine genuinely some of the worst shit they clobbered together
#just thought abt ir again im suddenly overcome with a sense of hatred and disdain#evwrything about that episode feels so half assed. its just straight up poop from a butt#nick as a character is incredibly annoying and inconsistent. starts out as a tool for exposition(rick trainibg the crows and he tells morty-#how shitty he is. Gee Thanks we definitely couldnt have concluded that from seeing rick train the crows)#only for him to just switch to a huge asshole who wants everyone dead#like. ugh.hes just so surface level and boring and UNNECESSARY. i genuinely believe if he didnt exist the episode would be improved tenfold#because ill admit!!! i like(most of) the r&m scenes!!! their spats are well written!!! i think they should have been a bigger focus;!!!#and dont even get me started on that buzzwordy word salad annoying as fuck speech rick has before he leaves#its so. badly written. its so awkward and so out of character. it genuinely feels like the set up to a rug pull momeny#AND LISTEN!;;;;;!!!!! I DONT HATE THE CONCEPT OF A RICK AND MORTY SPLIT UP#but why do we not see any of it???? god. like we could and Should have had one(1) singular episode where they live their separate lives#show how theyre both doing worse or maybe BETTER without each other while still falling back into old toxic habits#like ok. u have a status quo and all that. but if u cant commit to your split up concept ... well maybe dont force it in as a plot point#that lasts maybe ten minutes in total.#FUUUUCCCCKKKK i hate this episode so much genuinely. i hate ricks speech so much.#ur telling me the worlds most emotionally constipated guy musters up the empathy to remove himself from the toxically codependent dynamic-#he created for his own comfort in one day. he learns all of that in twelve hours or less.#heres my impression of what rick's speech really would have looked like#“hey im gonna uh. spend some time with the crows. i think.”#and scene#god and what about beth. rick never says anything to the rest of thw family and when he shows up again no one gafs#omg okay. tldr lol fuck this episodw i genuinely hate it so much and nothing will ever make me like it
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Today is fitting day for BounPrem’s upcoming series and it proves without a doubt what we’ve already known:
Boun was very specifically born to play a gay vampire on TV.
#live your dreeeeams#it’s not as hard as it may seeeeeem#[save the last dance soundtrack continues]#the fact that he wanted this series to exist so badly he just went#fine if no one will cast me in one i will WRITE MY OWN#and prem loyally offered his neck to gnaw on#beautiful :’)#bounprem#boun noppanut guntachai#the vampire project
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It's always interesting to hear about people's weird/unexpected "alternate life paths". Like, something that you could have done with your life, a job you almost took, a school you almost went to, etc - that was still actually realistic enough that it could have happened, but NOW it seems to not suit your current personality.
Like for example, I currently hate advertising (how manipulative it is, brands trying to be 'relatable', social media amplifying it to an obnoxious extreme, etc.) so much that even seeing a little ad before a youtube video is grating to even witness, but there was a point in time where I was genuinely seriously considering going into marketing/making commercials as a career lol. Or like, I have a relative who was very inclined to be a pastor when they were younger, even though today they're a super strong atheist, etc. etc.
#BECAUSE I knew I really liked filming and editing things and doing set design and costume design (from having done little bits of that#here and there in media classes and my own stuff - i used to be a lot more into making videos than I am now). BUT I was always thinking#that a movie is WAAY to big and long. even a short film. So I was trying to think of ways I could still like#have the fun of scouting locations to film and dressing up actors and etc. etc. without it having to be a Huge Million Dollar Production#on tv show or movie level. SO then I was thinking about like... just doing commercials. Or music videos. Like shorter things where I still#get the fun of the filming and everything but it's less of an intensive long term project.#So there is an alternate version of me (I suppose if i somehow did not end up having physical and mental health issues#as badly somehow.. or like.. randomly came into wealth and was able to pay my way through a nice college despite missing#days constantly being out because I'm sick or something lol) that works in some corporate advertising office coming up with commercials#and directing or filming them or doing the sets for them or something in that general vicinity.#I also was considering being a corporate psychologist. or whatever its called.. oh from google:#''Industrial and organizational (I/O) psychologists study and assess individual group and organization dynamics in the workplace''#I don't think I even knew what the job entailed. I was at the time just thinking like.. the type of person that comes into a business offic#and gives everyone personality assessments or does MBTI or big-5 testing crap for whatever reason that some businesses get that#done for people. Really i just wanted to be in a Corporate Big Office setting yet still do psychology. Because I used to be really fixated#on living in a big city. Like the ideas of everything being walkable. picking up a coffee in the morning. walking to my job in a Big#Skyscraper Building. people watching in a huge hotel lobby for lunch. flying frequently (I love airplanes and airports aesthetically).#living in an apartment with a giant window overlooking the city. etc. etc. BUT that was before i had really BEEN to a city. Then I actually#hung around a city a few times and went places and I was like... AUGh... The Sensory Overwhelm.. cars people lights loudness noise scary#everything happening all at once. etc. etc. (though even when I wanted to live in a city i NEVER strove for the Night Life. when i say I#enjoy city imagery I mean like... in the day time. Many people who like cities talk about The Night Life and post pictures of cities all#lit up at night and clubs and dancing and restaurants. none of that EVER appealed to me. perhaps a sign I am not a real city person. Like#I am NOT standing in a crowded bar full of loud people in the middle of the night lol.. get AWAY from me!!) but I do adore the#architecture of like bright white clean sterile modern spaces like huge airport lobbies or malls or etc. I think thats what reminded me of#city and what I liked about the idea of that life. Like I always LOVED the layout of schools and hospitals and trainstations and public#transport in general. Though even then I knew enough that I would not be a good architect/city planner. so I guess my adoration for those#spaces was merely to be channeled into LIVING there. but then I realized I didn't even really want to do that that much. I mean I still#definitely aim to live NEAR a city. like the little areas outside of it. I would never live in a rural place 4 hours from anything. I liter#ally just COULDNT since I need close access to hospitals sometimes lol. But I used to want to live in the CENTER of citites like high rise#condo. and now I'm like.... eh....... perhaps a smaller quieter walkable space nearby lol.. ANYWAY.. alternate me in my Business Suit eheh
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cesare and lucrezia's codependency vs. juan having the most coveted position cesare desires when what juan really longs for is the unconditional love cesare and lucrezia have and for them to have it with him…
#insane show insane dynamics insane everything#the game was changed no one ever did it like them i fear#something something "do you love me brother?” and “let me hear your wish sis!” he wanted to belong so badly like....#but cesare and lucrezia are already living in their own world and don't care about anything else#idk idk#neil jordan cooked so hard with the borgia siblings trio#they all have intense chemistry and tragic relationships i'm obsessed#the borgias my beloved#the borgias#lucrezia borgia#juan borgia#cesare borgia#the borgia siblings#text post
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bro you know whats fucked up... their epic gnc lesbian swag is literally being erased rn. and its just another man doing all of the cool shit again. like thats fucked up
#like... do you know how badly i would have wanted to hear about a WOMAN who did those things as a kid#how badly i would have wanted to hear that women were never ok with their assigned roles#and broke out of them and did what they wanted all throughout history#and that women werent inherently meek and mild and feminine. and that they could have lives on their own terms#and i would have known that if women in the past did it then i could do it too#like fuck this shit. everytime a woman does cool shit it is always erased#terf safe#terfs do interact#gender critical#radblr#terfblr#i know this doesnt really qualify as part of a 'male depravity archive' but i wanted to put this SOMEWHERE.#i feel like im not putting this into words very well but i feel very strongly about this#bc my whole life ive always wanted to hear about women with that kind of swag and that kind of life#and its so fucking unfair#non-MDA posts
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antigone. jean anouilh.
quotations from antigone: a tragedy by jean anouilh. translated by lewis galantière.
comic panels in order are from: battle for the cowl 3 (x3), batman annual 25, batman and robin 5, batman and robin 6, battle for the cowl 3, batman 416, battle for the cowl 3, battle for the cowl 2, batman annual 25, batman and robin 6, under the red hood, battle for the cowl 3 (x2), batman 427, lost days 5.
#jason todd#anyway mmmm still turning it over in my mind BUT#antigone + her sense of principle such that she's willing to take her confrontation with creon to its logical extreme#she knows he'll kill her & it's not that she welcomes it but there's that sense of fatality: she's more tied to the dead than the living#she's basically daring creon to have her excuted in the same way that jason is challenging bruce#jason demanding the mourning for his own corpse. antigone buries her brother but jason is the avenging unburied ghost#come to DEMAND burial. and yet he's also alive so he's also antigone who has a choice - or does he???#and then dick's got his own antigone side re:principle but in this fight he's sister ismene#ismene determined to stop antigone from getting herself killed but also angry with her#and feeling like if she would just LISTEN then she'd see that ismene is right and sensible and has all order on her side#to her everything that antigone wants sounds like chaos and the breakdown of order#and that mmm i feel like there's this consistent thread where we kinda dance around the question of well. /is/ jason suicidal#he puts a gun to his head. he lets go of the train. and yet back then as a kid he wanted to live so badly!#again like antigone who seems to be hurtling herself toward death and yet it's not really what she wants and yet and yet#anyway many thoughts still much confused but. we'll see.#my comic art but we are using the term ''art'' loosely#since it's literally just copy-pasted comic panels with. like. bad highlighting occasionally sfdsfds#dick grayson
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Chappel Roan saying she’s sad she’s demisexual and then there’s me being aroace as a whole like don’t you think I’m even more sad 😭
#not saying she’s not allowed to feel sad at all#just makes me think about myself LOL#I hate being aroace it’s like everyone’s part of a secret club I will never be a part of#and that people don’t tend to understand and if they do they never uphold that fact#like I actually have thrown up before from the concept of being in a relationship because it’s horrifying#and disgusting to me in a practical sense#like I don’t want to throw up every time I start thinking about those things I just want to be normal#and not panic like a relationship sounds like even worse than a death sentence#ppl think aroace is cute and problem free but it’s literally so uncomfortable and inconvenient when you’re in a world which a) doesn’t#understand wth aroace is b) doesn’t respect it at all c) has shit povs on what friendship is and how it can be more fulfilling than somethin#and d) how badly it impacts some ;-; like ik it sounds easy but try telling yourself omg I want to have a forever bestie#but then said forever bestie will never end up truly putting you first because they’d have a partner who will be their number one#and as usual you won’t even be second place you will be last like always#because I’ve noticed that the moment ppl get a partner suddenly they become their forever bestie role and then I can’t have that cause it#freaks me out and disgusts me all at once so I’m literally just cursed with forever feeling lonely and not meaning anywhere near as much to#someone who you wish could even look your way the way you do to them …#honestly by the day these reminders make me feel more and more aplatonic but it’ll simultaneously always feel like a hole in my heart#because apparently being aroace is like being some weird person and some freak#and not in the 𝒻𝓇ℯ𝒶𝓀𝓎 type of connotation LMAO I mean just plain freak#and then that loneliness will always accumulate and accumulate and accumulate until I physically cannot handle it anymore or I take matters#into my own hands and just off with her head to myself LMAO#dora daily#and that is why despite aroace being cool to me it’s just not placed in an environement which makes it cool#as those assholes tend to say oh meh meh meh you never struggled girl … we’re in the 21st century every person in the lgbt community is#living the life dating who they want and being with who they want#but allegedly it is but a crime I can’t like anyone and that nobody fucking listens to me when I say I have an attraction deficit#and that they take it upon their hands to define what I’m attracted to or head canon me as whatever they are#I swear I’m not even fucking worth that shit just leave me alone 😭#I promise like if I was with somebody they will regret the day they were born by being with me LOL I am not all that in fact me being aroace#is saving them from torture ☠️ anyways ! rant over :3
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I think we should talk more about how CGI Brittany has the career 80's Brittany always wanted.
#80's brittany wanted so badly to be popular singer!! a star!! but Alvin was the one with the most fans and you can see it even more in TCA#while in the CGI's movies the storyline ends with Brittany and her sister becoming way more popular than them#they even leave the house because their career were going that good#side note i wish people bring this more often bc it's so tiring to see ppl say they're all siblings in the CGI universe#Alvin clearly said that they were taking them to their house bc they still needed a place to stay#and at the end of the last movie Dave only adopts the guys! Neither him or the chipettes wanted to stay as family#but don't get me wrong he still loves them and they love him just not in the way or viewing as a father#BUT ANYWAYS GOING BACK TO THE POINT#we should talk a lot more about this#it's a shame that the 2015 series N E V E R tells you how exactly popular the chipmunks are or if the chipettes are famous as well#they give you one or two random flashbacks of them singing together but at the same time there are episodes were it's just the three of them#idk it's smth that bothers me a lot bc smth that the rest of the versions did was being clear about how they handled their lives as singers#the cgi movies gave you a whole development of the Chipmunks going from being on the forest to become starts#and then they decided go give a break to spend their lives better with Dave while the Chipetted handled their own lifes#and hell the 80's chipmunks went as far as showing you each future of each chipmunk#they even tell you that both Si and Theo chased other dreams that have nothing to do with music and i give extra points for that!#why am i speaking so god damn much about this??? my god the aatc passion is real
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#but i want to so fucking badly#i have two degrees in criminal justice and your concept of the police in the 90s is wrong#also like#there are people on the police force who live among you#just talk to them#ask any of them#they will all tell you that the job has only gotten harder and harder and harder as the years have gone on#i specifically did not go into law enforcement after the hiring freeze finally lifted#BECAUSE OF cops telling me 'don't do it it sucks now' LMAO#and this was long before BLM caused the entire criminal justice system to crack mentally beneath white fragility#i'll never forget my forensic science professor asking the class if anyone watched shows like law and order#and telling the people who raised their hands 'you're the problem with modern policework' LMAO#actually that man was an icon for several reasons#but that's its own post
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IF I GET ONE MORE ILL INFORMED AND INSECURITY BAITING INSTAGRAM REEL ABOUT HEALTH OR FOOD OR COOKING OR BUGS IM GOING TO DELETE THE APP FOREVER OMG STOP
#its so bad i just want pet videos!!!!! i dont need to be told everything that i do is bad for me and i need to keep 1000 things more in mind#this causes cancer this id bad have you tried cooking HAVE YOU TRIED COOKING THIS GREAT MEAL YOU LAZY FUCK WHY ARE YOU NOT COOKING#oh its because i'm disabled and a student living on my own THANKS FOR THE GUILT THO#i literally physically cant. if you want me to eat 'healthy' so badly why dont you come over to my flat and do it for me you shit#its insanely triggering for me like i was raised by an almond parents with a medical degree i cannot do this anymore#everything wants me to have an ed sooo badly but i refuse out of sheer spite you cannot get me you stupid fucks#i'm just so frustrated rn#so triggered#also the ocd#ugh#:(#i wish people would just stop with this 'pov did you know' thing when they dont even know what they're talking about OR just do it for the#anxiety factor views#many ppl feel better if they view this shit and it tells them that THEY are doing everything right instead of those silly lazy ppl#i dont need to CONSTANTLY be exposed to stories about people dying of food poisoning etc#just show me some cute dogs#tw ed#tw food#cw food#food#bugs#cw bugs#cw ed#tw caps#vent#personal#sage posting
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being jewish with zero affiliation to israel and rather a generational line of activists for palestine is a hard line to walk and sometimes i wish i could just fall off
#i hate zionist jews i hate i stand with israel signs in my neighborhood i hate leftists who write and speak and act like theyve never met an#actual jewish person in their life and believe that were all genocidal monsters (in spite of our own genocide which i assume will eventuall#flip around to leftist holocaust denial) i hate that people are blaming israeli civilians for the faults of their deeply corrupt government#i hate that i cant say zionism is inherently antsemitic without getting fucking maimed i fucking hate it here the world is on fire just#fucking let me burn#anyways#sorry#free palestine#any other#jumblr#girlies (gn) relating to my vent#bc im started to feel ashamed of myself my culture and my people#and its such a fucking shitty feeling#like i can barely look in palestine / gaza / etc. tag without seeing blindingly blatant antisemitism coming from left right and center#like just say you hate jews and fuck off#i cant look at this shit anymore fuck#idk why im so worked up about this rn i just. btwn weeding out all the zionist blogs i didnt know i followed and just being so fucking-#and weeding out all the antisemitic leftist blogs i didnt know i was supporting its all just crashing down#im so fucking tired#and im so fucking tired of having to defend myself any time i talk about the jewish experience in any of this#and im so fucking tired of people equating judaism with religion only#and im so fucking tired of the double standard of also equating with only one race#like there arent jews of every race#the reason you cant see any of this shit is because nearly a century later were still dealing with the aftermath of the 6mil person murder#were always at the cross roads of some ridiculous double standard or the scapegoat for when things are going badly#like fuck i just#dont want to have this fucking identity anymore it makes me a walking talking breathing living fucking target#idk what to do I'm just#desolate
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sometimes I get worried I’m like. faking being trans. n then I realized I probably wouldn’t be crying over people not seeing me as a guy if I was faking it
#it actually kills me#”but you dress so feminine”#I HAVE TO#i cant LIVE THE WAY I WANT TO#I want to pass so badly I don’t want to live this anymore#I want queer people irl not judge me when I say I am trans#i will never forget when two gay guys in my class told me I was just a cis girl who liked gay men#I can’t do this any longer I pretend like it doesn’t bother me like I can keep going but I can’t#I just fucking can’t#trans people irl LOOK AT ME WEIRD WHEN I SAY IM A GUY#I just#Idk#it hurts#it feels like my own community doesn’t even like me because of things I can’t control#anyways if u read this I’m sorry for yapping#Sorry for doing it a lot in general
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>.<
#tw clari overshares#i really need to start making new friends on here and being more active#but the issue is just the mere *thought* of that fucking terrifies me#just typing out that single sentence has my heart pounding and my hands shaking and my stomach churning#i really wish i was kidding or over-exaggerating#i want so badly to make new friends and be active in a little community on here again#but i’m so so so scared#(of what?????????? of what!!!!!!!!!!!)#bring me back to 2020 clari who talked to people despite the anxiety and was so damn active and was having an absolute blast!!!#what happened to her!!!!!#she got really sick i guess#it’s crazy like sometimes i just scroll through my archive and i can SEE it#i can see myself getting sicker and sicker and withdrawing more and more#feeding into the fear and letting it win#and now i’m here#in this hole that i’m going to have to claw myself out of IN SPITE OF the terror i feel#i miss being a part of this community so much#i miss being able to post little drabbles willy nilly and not having breakdowns over them not being perfect#NOT obsessing over my own work and flaws it may have#i miss having fun#YES my writing is extremely important to me and YES i want to one day write for a living in some capacity#but since when did that mean i had to cut everyone off??? seclude myself in a protective little bubble???#the only person who can fix this is me#(obviously hahaha)#it’s about time i put on my big girl pant(ie)s and faced that fear head on#i’m so sick of it dominating and controlling so much of my life#why did i let it take something so fucking important to me???#i have to end it!!!#if u got this far in the tags: thank you and i’m sorry for venting#i just feel like i NEED to say this
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