#i want to disappear into the ground
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Couldn't offer enough
#i think i should just offer myself up completely now#nevermind who or what#i should make the peaceful transition from person with own personal wants to a rug#a doormat#non argumentative#ill be anything anybody wants#because being myself is not enough and too much all at once#i want to disappear into the ground
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.
#perso#I know id regret it but the urge to burn to the ground my internet presence is. very present still#Idk if I'm attention seeking or if i genuinely want to disappear tho
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edmond olivine......... farm sounds edition
tiny tsun obsessed with girlfriend 4x his (cup_ ) Size....
#they're friends ur honour. maybe they can even boop snoots. let's give em some privacy#i wanted edmond horse to have a fancy braided ponytail (hah)-esque mane but the ref images all came up stuff like cornrows#and uh. no. no thank u. maybe i should start looking at cartoon horses instead#MASSIVE bunny olivine. bigger than a child. as big as a horse. capable of crushing kuya in his massive fur radius#when i think of hoof buddies edoli... i cannot decide on their sizes#yes horse is typically bigger than cow (at least taller)#but i want olivine to be a giant tank. and edmond to not look like a pubescent gangly mule next to him.#scratches chin#another part of me wanted to make em more . decorated. like design em with jewellery and whatnot#but if they are just animals in a boring ol zoo sanctuary#then they . . look like boring ol animals without all the cool decor?#actually what happens when they transform into their animal forms.#do all their clothes drop on the ground. free loot?#or do the clothes stay the same size and get all messed up and morphed on the new animal form#imagining poor oli transforming while still clothed and his clothes just rip from his Volume#and he's like aw man that's the 6th shirt this month :(#realistically(?) aster would prob provide magical clothing that appropriately shifts with the form or disappears somehow. conveniently.#idk. let's have inconvenient clothes only during the transformation sequences.#for the comedy aspect#edmond allows NO ONE to ride him. NO ONE! except olivine 🥰 eiden indeed gets kicked for even approaching and now he's in a coma#actually in the scenario where edmond is a horse he would probably allow anyone (small) on provided they are civil.#no foxes. no bears. no lions. maybe a hat.#guess i'm gonna have to start tagging this if i'm gonna keep posting about it. unbeliebabvle. it's become an actual tag#zookeeper au#nu carnival edmond#nu carnival olivine
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on a scale of 1-10 how silly would it be to ask folks to pray that I find a piece of jewelery I lost. It's not particularly valuable monetarily but its very precious to me and Im afraid I lost it outside of the house. I cant find it anywhere it should be. It could be in the pocket of the either the pajama pants or outside pants I wore the last day I saw it (the 19th) or it could be buried under something in my old bedroom, or it could be at my friend's moms house or somewhere between here and there. Trying not to stress over it but its just become precious too me.
#Its just one of those shark bracelets from one of those scam ocean charity sites#But I have used it as a grounding tool to help me focus when I need to get my head on straight so its been through a lot with me#a replacement just wouldn't be the same either plus I don't want to give more money to scam charities than they already get#and writing this out is helping me calm down about it#as Im writing I realize that I tend to freak out a lot when I realize that something precious is missing and can't chill out until I find i#and thinking about it. I know exactly where that stems from#not something I ever considered before but a lot of things precious to me got burned when I was little#and at one point I repressed the memory and would search for things that got burned up for hours because I had no idea where they went#but yeah anyway Im gonna try to chill. It'll turn up Lord willing#Im just scared I lost it in my friends old house or somewhere between here and there and I'll never see it again#I do not like it when things like that disappear I do not like it at all#I just worry about all the possible places it could be lost forever in or where it could have gotten ruined#I also just have ADHD forgetfulness so I get paranoid I left it like in a walmart bathroom or something#I know I didn't but I have almost lost things that way before#Like even if it is just gone and lost forever I just want to know where it is#merkerler speaks#prayer request#bc I am spazzy about these things#need to be careful about it bc it mirror's some of my dad's OCD tendencies
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im going to lay here and think about pond family cuddle piles until i fall asleep
#and i shall paint u a picture before i go. ahem.#one must imagine of course that rory is the natural foundation of the cuddle pile#he is not very squishy or padded well for laying on but he can sit still for long periods of time. which is not a skill 2/3 of the others#have and to be honest river only Arguably has it when she knows she’s getting something out of it at the end#so rory is the foundation whom all others lay on top of#and once he’s down amy is too and she is going to sprawl all over on top of him if the doctor doesn’t claim some space quickly. she will#take all of the rory for herself. she is greedy and also wants to be comfy.#amy pond face squished into her husband in a way that should make it impossible to breathe and with her arms and legs all tangled around him#in ways that should not be comfortable and yet. rory is used to this. he likes it.#i think eleven cuddles like dogs do when they get on the couch with you and your lap isn’t free so they sort of lay next to you and push the#their back up against your side as hard as they can and stretch out and sigh. and eventually wiggle their head into your lap anyway.#thats how eleven snuggles. belly up and paws out. if he can wriggle under amy’s arm where she’s got it hooked around rory? even better#and then river. and river’s the hardest to get into the cuddle pile for many Many reasons but. i think there’s a foolproof way the three of#them have found how to do it. and it involves first the doctor flopping on top of amy and rory and looking so so cute and cuddly and making#happy relaxed noises to tempt river over. and then involves rory scooching beneath the two of them to make it ibvious that there’s room for#river if she wants it. and then when she does get lured down with them. its amy who finds her and squirms over closer to hold her. eyes shut#pretending she’s asleep and doesn’t know she’s doing it.#river’s never at ease at first but she has to let herself. the doctor moves to lay more of his weight on her as well as rory and ground her.#team (family) effort to get river to let her guard down completely and relax.#in the most normal family way ever aksjfkfjskd which is why amy is clinging onto her like River’ll disappear if she lets go#nornal family. normal cuddling. i think they all pet the doctor like a puppy while theyre doing this
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Isn’t there already a canon Mistcloud? Why not combine Mistfeather with another cat? Or is the ShadowClan one getting a new name?
oHHH MY GOD I just realized I misspoke
The SkyClan warrior who is Hawkwing's sibling is Cloudmist
The ShadowClan warrior who is the sister of Sparrowtail and the dead aunt of Sunbeam is Mistcloud
Can you blame me? Their names are BACKWARDS. Anyway maybe I'll keep them both but then they both died, Cloudmist being Mistfeather's unnamed dead mate. Cloudmist died in the battle and Mistfeather died similarly to canon, attacking Darktail.
#I do want to write Darktail as being less... Pure Evil though#I want him to be more of a cult leader tyrant type who happily exploits people and disappears his dissenters#Less of a... 'I love blood + death + ripping + agony' serial killer type#So Mistfeather probably attacks him first (to avenge Cloudmist) and that's the justification Darktail needs to shred him into confetti#Pinning Mistfeather to the ground and lamenting about what he's being forced to do#Alderpaw begging him to leave Mist alone#Responding ''this isn't about what i want to do. This is what I Have to do. I'm so sorry''#And then kills Mist efficiently and without mercy#Bonefall AVoS
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If I do decide to write Yukong (which is becoming more likely if I'm being honest), I would want to portray her as someone who is still very much grieving the death of Caiyi, but is trying to not let it affect her future any longer. We see this in how she finally let go of her fear and allowed Qingni to start her career of becoming a starskiff fighter pilot by working as ground crew. It's a small step, sure, but a positive one nonetheless.
I also think that this would affect any future relationships she may have, whether they be romantic or platonic. It's obvious Yukong and Caiyi shared a very deep platonic connection with each other, and Yukong loved her very much (and thinking on it more, I feel that she also likely harbored inklings of romantic feelings for Caiyi, but never acted upon them since she was happily married to Guangyuan, and Yukong would never have wished to ruin that).
Caiyi's death (in my interpretation) made Yukong become very closed off to any prospect of deep friendship or romance out of fear of losing the person (in addition to seeing herself as being just too busy for such things) and it's not until she started learning to heal from the past that she, slowly, allowed herself to open up to others more.
#ground control; (OOC)#((I also want to say that she has a very deep respect for both j.ing y.uan and f.u x.uan as her fellow charioteers))#((and she loved t.ingyun like her own daughter and was absolutely *devastated* at her disappearance/presumed death ;_; ))#((boy howdy this got longer than I thought))#((guess I'm brainrotting y.ukong now ASHDJDKKD))
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funfact! klark is in fact a big boy, being 190cm tall (6'3). but due to his horrible posture he towers much lower as shown in this pretty accurate graph
but also. since he always stands like that. he also WALKS like that. so enjoy that little stance gif i made of him. look at him!! prancing!! where is he going...
honestly it kinda be scary to see him go about this way but hes just used to it. walking 24/7 on tiptoes. standing normally is too hurty to the backy
#art#lore#tenyoxin#klark barbel#i also have a graph containing (too much) details about his neck piercing too if anyone wants it!!#yes the pointy things on the sides of his neck is a piercing#am i so insane about him that i do graphs about him? yes.#hed be scared of my stalking.#also!! his tail is disappearing so you can see his back leg properly :] also it should move yknow according to his movement but honk mimimi#funfact he always keeps his tail hovering above the ground. hes just used to it#else he dont really use it voluntarily. but very useful for his balance (the reason he can so efficiently walk on tiptoes 24/7 actually)#ANYWAYS SORRY IM RAMBLING IN THE TAGS#I COULD GO ON FOR HOURS ABOUT HIM#THATS JUST WHAT LOVE DOES TO YOU BABY
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Remember that sketch of Euron playing the accordion? I figured I do another sketch for the same fic on the other page, featuring something I am not remotely as confident at: kids.
So, have a complicated picture of Euron's A+ parenting involving taking a nine-year-old that can't swim (Dany) and a ten-year-old that'll crawl into every flood crevice in sight (Joan, i.e. Jon) to a tide beach. And just. Not paying attention.
#i mean#he got one of their kids killed already#loren do something#sea dragons is such shitshow and its all his fault#euron#euron greyjoy#house greyjoy#deanerys targaryen#female jon snow#dany deserves friends#and i just find it funny how biased she is into liking Joans parents because she wants parents so badly herself#also shes nine what does she know#servants that disappear is kinda weird but its so nice to be told your name is pretty and that youll do great things!#her bar is on the ground ngl#a saga of bears & lions#imperial art farts#asoiaf#asoiaf fanart
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hi pls take my humble flash + superhealing theories 🤲
idk anything abt biology, this is rly just a lame excuse for me to draw barry(+) with scars
#danbles#dc#the flash#barry allen#wally west#bart allen#i rly like the idea of barry’s scars being a lot ‘worse’/obvious than normal but are ultimately temporary#is that a non-commital answer to get the best of both worlds? maybe.#but i think it could lead to some rly interesting and introspective flash povs#like he wants to hold on to them before they disappear as if they keep him feeling grounded and human#which he tends to lose touch with when he gets in his own head#he is LITERALLY out of touch out of time <3#where am i going with this.#expect some barry + superhealing art in the future ig#speedsters 101
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Very dumb how you can't out-logic mental illness because it always seems to have something factually true to throw at you when you go "this breakdown is all stupid and made up."
#many things in my life would be better with stable irl connections but at this point it's hard to believe it's possible#especially if you don't want to go on dates.#and I am finding that more and more I don't trust myself to make any connections I won't inevitably burn to the ground#either of my own volition or during a breakdown#everything is unbalanced but what can you do? not much#drown yourself in fiction and hope it all disappears#I don't like being the creature that I am.#venting#if I could at least go through life without envy. but it's not possible. the feeling is there to remind me of what I lack#and I can try to shove down the feeling but I can't fill the hole#sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if people just pretended I didn't exist#I feel like I'm always being teased by the joke my company might be worthwhile and then feeling it yanked away. idk why I fall for it
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The teeniest tiniest bit of a sign of rejection or disapproval from random people on fandom spaces sends my anxiety haywire. I hate this feeling
#I've been avoiding fandom in general because of this and it's mostly irrational but still#How do you deal with this#I want to dig myself a hole in the ground and disappear in there
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the storytelling in this album i will die
#growing pain is about falling headfirst into reality#then chasing that feeling is about running on the ground after you fall trying to find like something#then back for more is the feeling of wanting to go back to before because reality is too hard#then dreamer is about finding your dream and getting your name back. and it becomes your motivation to continue on#then deep down is about how these people were the reason you came this far. and how your struggles or your horns were really your crown#and then happily ever after is about realizing life isnt a fairytale and our endings are all unknown and isnt that better that we make#our own future? that we dont know what happens next?#and then skipping stones. OMG SKIPPING STONES THE METAPHOR UGH. its about how the ripples on the water when you skip stones#those wounds on the water. one day they will disappear and the water will calm again. so head towards that ocean. and stop dwelling on the#thoughts hanging on your fingertips. stop thinking about what youll be losing. LOSS IS A UNIVERSAL HUMAN EXPERIENCE. instead go forward#LIKE UGH WTH WHO GAVE THEM THE RIGHT TO KAJSDHFLKJDH#and then blue spring and do it like that#LIKE UGH#THIS ALBUM#I CANNOT#THE ALBUM PREVIEW I NEED TO STAB MYSELF
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me: i will not think of more angst today
me: *listens to For Riddles, For Wonders*
me: well mission failed then!
#hush n shush wifi#specifically i'm listening to the KKOMDA remix which is somehow even MORE sad#now i'm just thinking of you smiling sadly as you disappear from Foul Legacy's grasp#your last moments are holding his hands as you vanish into specks of light#he tries so hard not to cry because he doesn't want your last memory of him to be him crying#but once you fully disappear he falls to the ground and starts sobbing#maybe the Traveler is there watching but unable to console him#and when he wakes up he feels like he had a long dream he couldn't remember#along with the sense that something extremely important is missing#but no matter how he tries he can't remember what#it feels like there's a hole in his heart that used to be filled by something#but what?#everything is seemingly as it should be yet it just seems a little less bright#because he's missing his sunlight (you)#the awful part is if he doesn't remember he feels like something is missing for the rest of his life#but if he does he falls into grief over what he's lost: the love of his life who provided light in his darkest times#the one person who adored him even though he's a monster#and he'll never get that back#anyways people who read the tags will be having a field day#i got some writing done but not much because i did other writing that was not very fun for hours today so hopefully i get more done tmrw#good evening :)#wifi rambles
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i very desperately want some good pete angst
#just pete grappling with the reality that now there is sb who Sees him who Knows him#and that vegas will continue to do so and won't let pete fade into the background#(at least not with him)#and also sth sth about how there will always be an angry man in your house if you've been raised by one#and how pete vegas and macau#(even though macau maybe less so but idk)#have grown up with one and how pete sometimes jumps/flinches in certain scenes#yk the one where vegas let's the noodle bowl fall to the ground and pete jumps?#yeah sth to that effect#i just want to read some good good pete angst#you can even make vegas angsty too because he isn't really sure what is going on and shit and doesn't really know how to help#just pete wanting to be Seen but also to disappear into the background bodyguard style#i love angst can you tell lmao#i also love the resolution and comfort but i am very shit at coming up with it#if it involves subspace and maybe cockwarming but like no actual fucking 👀#if anybody read this far in my tags and has recommendations please give them to me 🥺#vegaspete#(fun fact: i came up with a whole plot before falling asleep last night so there's that lmao)
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GOD DAMN IT i know i must sound like a broken record by now but. I was feeling GOOD today. I felt happy and confident enough to check the submas tags for once. And all was good until i saw ONE SINGULAR ANGST POST, and now I'M DEPRESSED AGAIN. I HATE THIS SO MUCH
[btw none of u are obligated to cheer me up lol i just want to complain into the void. I'll remove the submas tag in like an hour i just want to feel seen (even though i know i already am) for a moment]
#if i were to let myself cry rn i would i am actively holding back tears AGAIN#im so pissed rn#NOT angry at angst creators and if i was it would be an irrational anger and i understand that.#i love angst. but its like im getting poisoned from having too much of it#me approaching my time of the month probably doesnt help with thay but. i was doing well#im so pissed#personal#nowdays anykindof ending tht isnt a perfect ending where ingo goes home and is fine and gets to move on with emmet upsets me to some degree#angst posts send me into a spiral. i should fix that before anything but i'm already going to therapy what else should i do.#no really if anyone has any advice i would love it.#i wish i was stable enough to handle this but i havent been since covid started.#then again back then i didn't interact too much with fandoms#sigh. im gonna play some sonic mania when im done with homework to get that good nostalgia dopamine#cringeposting also helps lol it makes me want to equal parts laugh and disappear into the ground#submas tag removed
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