#i want the position.... but also im scared to... ive seen how busy that place gets helpppp

[yutadori]

omg just finished the interview.... it was one of the longer ones ive had, around 30 mins??? i feel like i talked so much omg.... also when they asked why i wanted to work there i forgot to say the MAIN reason FUCKKKKK GFDSGDSFGF whatever whatever um . anyway . i think that was a pretty good interview... the guy was pretty nice and understanding... it seems like it's a company where they actually . care gFDSGDFGDSF he seemed proud of the brand and like they care about employees and such.... idk.... i'm so sneepy.... he also emphasized authenticity which i think was nice... it doesn't sound like i'll just be thrown in there the way he explained it sounded very structured which i personally think is beautiful because i love structure... anyway yeah that happenedddd

[joculatrixster]

thank you for replying! -i understand where youre coming from but i feel like some of the points you brought up about scott can't just be boiled down to homophobia if that makes sense- like people see scott as calculated because he calls making allies/friendships a 'social game' etc . and obviously grian and joel berating and teasing jimmy also isn't entirely fine but i think toxicity in the context of an alliance vs a canon-explicit marriage should be weighed differently, but ultimately im not sure that grian is actually necessarily "worse" than scott; while i think grian and joel and jimmy do have an unbalanced dynamic alot of the 'berating' between them is more like 'jimmy you idiot you died to xyz' whereas with scott in 3l it felt a bit more manipulative likewhen scott purposely placed something to scare jimmy and then made fun of him for being scared but. idk

also i think everyone understands that they're friends in real life and nothing ccjimmy is actually uncomfortable with would make it into a video but this is just to think about/interpret their characters within the context of the roleplay/storyline

again this isnt meant as an attack or anything at all - i just wanted to talk about why some people would have a different interpretation of fh!

thats fair, i read ur reply when i was busy i dont remember it well but honestly a fair take ^-^b i dont think it ALL is sorry i didnt make it clear i think the reason its POPULAR is bc scott fans r not rlly the ppl doing this its jimmy fans who dominate the fandom way more, but the fact irs happening to the gay guy IS weird and something to raise a brow to especially when there r more weird extreme fans who take it wayyy too far

it feels unbalanced to me bc it is, grian and joel have more fans in the life series rlly than scott bc most scott fans r just not life series postinfg, so when grian or joel does something mean to others in a similar vien its seen less in a negative light. im going off of memory so forgive me if i get a bit fuzzy w it

scott teases jimmy their friendship is kinda rivalry type thing its rlly just how they r, but ppl r not as used to it which is understandable too. idrc if ppl think scott is a bit manipulative hes just like. vilinized for it or seen as cold when he clearly still cares for his allies? he sacrificed SO much time in lil, he let ppl kill him in secret life, i wish i saw ppl rlly speak more on those better parts of him but also its just more normalized to intpret his actions more cold than it is for say grian who could be seen as cold for how easy he sheds alliances.

every intpretation is fine but w scott it genuinely goes into character bashing territory or just making him the stand in vilian jimmy needs to be saved from in fandom spaces which is agian fine if it happened to other characters who r similarly manipulative or calculating(martyn, scar, impulse even...) but deadass ive never seen anyone but scott put in such a position. which is weird. to me. especially when framed as him being bashed or vilinized for his straight friend who ppl hc he abuses like...ok. but where is the same energy for scar who is deadass evil af in 3rd life and limited life..? scar who destroys the ranch and kills his mother and doesnt apologize for either??? is it bc ppl just like him more so it makes more sense wven he does manipulative stuff??? martyn who is notoriously devisive for his ending and playstyle but in fics like its not great but he tends to not be as hated or put in the same level of bashing pll do for scott? hes prob the closest ive seen to the way scott is seen as an easy stand in vilian but i have not seen it as bad for him?

tho anon no not everyone understands there is a group of ppl who genuinely think scott in real life is an abusive person and actually that inspired my original post bc pll said w their whole chest they think scott is bad and makes jimmy uncomfortable

sorry if this is jumbled the other anon message is turning me into the joker...i get what u mean and i DO think its naunced but ppl REFUSE to acknowledge how weird it can feel for others to see and while i do think there r other factors...this fandom has leaned into homophobia for scott especially more frindge jimmy fans, sorry i think i mixed up a lot of things in my replys i was busy and also i genuinely dont care enough about tumblr anon posting to explain every naunce of an issue ie why i put pearl as a tag on bc the mysongy of all that is not for today thank u ^-^b

[theambitiouswoman]

Hi!! I’ve seen you post about being submissive and I’d like to know your position on it.

I like the idea of being submissive but in a place where it’s safe to be. But what do you think?

I mean, I have seen several intelligent, successful women, etc. who would like to be submissive with their partners 🤔✨ but the question is “why?”.

Thank you and have a wonderful day 💕✨

this is honestly a great question.

there are obviously different types of women, so my advice is based on my personal opinion.. and psychology books.

generally, i am not a submissive person. that's greatly in part because i bring everything to the table. so when it comes to guys, i can not date a guy who i overpower. i don't like weak emotional men. i find it very unattractive. i like men who i can look up to, and respect. a man that i trust to lead. which means, they are stronger, smarter, more successful than me etc.

i don't want to be dominant in my day to day and then come home and be dominant too. the man needs to play his part.

i've mostly dated men who i overpower. i liked that they were emotional and nurturing at that point in my life. i realize now that it was based on my own personal issues and trauma. i was scared to be emotional. i wasn't nurturing because i was hurt and guarded, so i wanted men to have that quality. but ultimately it didn't work out because they weren't men i respected.

if you notice, most women date men who they can look up to and admire. men who bring more to the table than them. most women also, don't work, have careers or businesses either. so its easier to be impressed by a "successful guy" when you don't bring the same things to the table.

so when you have a woman who does, its harder to find a guy because most women get stuck on the stage i mentioned prior to and are stuck on being dominant and proving how independent and successful they are. again, i've been there and we're all on our journey so i don't criticize this, i'm just stating the logic behind it.

men by nature are providers. hence why they are more inclined to date women who they can feel in complete control of. these women will also move heaven and earth for the guy to not lose them. vs a woman who knows what she brings to the table, wont tolerate alot of disrespect. guys will settle with a woman who is obsessed with them, but they wont settle down until they feel they are the men they want to be.

no matter what a woman does for a living, how much she makes etc, she still wants to be loved and taken care of. these things dont equal emotional satisfaction. all these "im independent dont need a man women" are basically just hurt women who have a hard time trusting men and their defenses are out. no one wants to be alone and everyone wants to be loved lol

so, no matter how much money i can make or businesses i have, i still want to find a man who can be my partner. not just in my life taking up space. i want to go home and take care of my man and my home. and know that my man can take care of me. i want to be loved, admired and respected. and i want someone i could feel the same way about. ive dated guys who weren't and i was so miserable and didn't leave because they were obsessed with me, but ultimately brought nothing to the table and little by little i realized how much i was limiting myself just by having them in my life.

you cant force yourself to be submissive, if you want to or not. the right person will bring out those qualities in you. you haven't felt this way, or you don't trust it, because you haven't met a guy who is strong enough for you to feel safe around.

[meltwonu]

11. “I didn’t know you were so sensitive.”

35. “Bite me.”

        “If you insist.”

notes; panther-hybrid!minghao, bunny!reader, the slightest whisper of jealous!minghao, heat fuckin, breeding!kink, oral(fem receiving), dirty talk, mentions of breath play, spitplay! Also this is so random but ive noticed this trend where sometimes when im posting sth for the day, THAT member will also be posting on like twt or doing a vlive or sth and i know its like theres only so many members! And im like YEA but its funny to me bc its like theyre saying ‘hey u stop that sinful content rn and enjoy this wholesome one instead’ and im just like hahah nope 😈💕 all I do is sin babyyyyyy 🤣 anyway thank you for requesting! enjoy! 💕

“Fuck, this can’t b-be happening…! Ugh!”

You try redialing Chan’s number, only for it to go straight to his voicemail after only a few rings again. A soft cry spills from your lips as you pace around your living room; palms clammy around the small device.

Your heat had come early and your usual heat partner, Chan, seemed to be either ignoring your calls or way too busy to notice you’d already phoned him five times. “F-fuck, please…” You attempt to dial him one more time, biting your lip and rubbing your already slick thighs together as you listen to the phone ringing.

‘I’m sorry, the number you have dialed--’

“Damn it!”

Minghao lives in the apartment next to you.

The quiet panther hybrid kept to himself most of the time and the only real times you’d seen him, he’d briefly smiled at you in passing whenever you’d both be in the hallways or elevator. You didn’t really know much about him in all honesty, but in the moment, you didn’t really care.

You storm out of your apartment, nervousness wracking your body as you stop right in front of his door. Raising a hand to knock, you momentarily think about your options.

A. Go back to your apartment and hope Chan picks up eventually

B. Ask Minghao this one time for the biggest favour of your life.

“Fuck it.”

Before you can change your mind, you quickly knock on his door, yelling a small ‘it’s me!’ as if Minghao would know. The door opens after a few tense seconds; Minghao’s tall form coming into view when he opens it wide enough.

“Who--oh.”

A look of realization washes over him and he’s quick to smell you in the few moments that the two of you just seem to stare at each other. “What exactly are you doing in front of my door like this?” He drawls.

Minghao doesn’t really anticipate the effect it has on you, but you quietly whimper in return, thighs clamped tight and body shivering at the dominating aura that the panther hybrid already exudes.

“Please… I--my h-heat partner is--isn’t responding and I… Please b-breed me… I can’t--can’t wait any l-long and it--it h-hurts...”

Minghao raises an eyebrow as he leans against the door; sharp eyes fixating on your body that won’t stand still. 

“Get inside, right now.”

Your fingertips tangle into Minghao’s hair as he eats you out; careful of his sleek yet fluffy black ears that protrude from his mess of hair.

Loud cries spill from you when he dips his tongue into your wet entrance before dragging it back up to your clit, teasing you as he takes his time.

“Fu--fuck, Minghao! More, more!”

“I didn’t know you were so sensitive.” He teases; lips easing into a smirk before he sucks your clit into his mouth. You let out a loud garbled moan as your entire body trembles with his touch. “I’m, ah, m-my heat…” You trail off, unsure of where you were even going with your sentence when Minghao flattens his tongue and drags it through your soaking folds. “Oh god, I--I can’t--!”

Before you can even stop yourself, you’re cumming on his tongue; fingers tightening in his messy locks and hips raising off of the bed as you grind against his flattened tongue. “Minghao, Minghao, Minghao!” The pleasure continues to wash over you even when he shakes your fingers loose from his hair and he sits up.

“You’re cute, y’know.” He smirks, lips coated in your wetness. “Just a cute ‘lil bunny getting her pussy eaten out in a panther’s bed. Aren’t you scared? I could eat you up right now, sweetheart.” His tone is teasing; eyes glimmering with mischief when your teary eyes meet his.

“Bite me. S-since, you’re so, ah, big ‘n b-bad…” You gulp as you watch him lean over you, suddenly feeling small underneath him.

“If you insist.”

Minghao has never really helped anyone through their heat.

But he’s surely heard you go through yours plenty of times.

“Oh--oh, Minghao! H--harder! Please, f-fuck me harder!” Your nails dig into his bed sheets, drool dripping from your lips as he fucks you from behind.

“Fuck, you’re so loud.” He chuckles, “Do you know how loud you are, bun? When you’re getting fucked.”

Your cheeks burn hot at his question, “H-huh…?” Minghao stops his thrusts for a second, grinding against you as you moan loudly in response. His chest meets your back as he leans over you; peppering gentle kisses along your shoulder blades before nipping at your skin. The small action has goosebumps rising on your skin almost immediately as you bite your lips to hold in your noises.

“The walls aren’t soundproof, y’know. I can hear all your cute ‘lil moans and cries whenever you’re going through your heat. I can hear how rough you like to take it and how you beg and beg and beg for more.” Minghao pauses, smirking against your skin when you clench around his cock. “The way I’m fucking you is nothing compared to how you really like it, right, bun? I hear the things you’ve said to that heat partner of yours. The walls are just so thin~” Gulping, you wait for him to continue, unable to deny the way you seem to get wetter and wetter the more he talks.

“You beg whoever it is to fill you up with cum, over and over, and all night too. And I hear the way you always tell them to be rougher with you, to choke you and spit in your cute ‘lil mouth, but do they ever give it to you?”

“N-no…”

Minghao grins, kissing your skin one last time before he straightens his back and starts fucking you at a much quicker pace. He wraps his fingers around your small fluffy tail at the small of your back, tugging on it lightly as you cry out his name. “That’s right, bun~ You just need someone like me who’ll put you in your place, right? Like the good ‘lil bunny you are.”

Garbled noises spill from your lips as he talks and you can already feel yourself on the brink of another orgasm once he starts to angle his thrusts to hit your g-spot. “Ngh, M--Minghao, fuck, ah, r-right there! More, p-please!” You move your hips in tandem with his; frenzied movements letting the panther hybrid that you were close to cumming again.

“Your cute ‘lil cunt is so fuckin’ tight and warm around my cock. Fuck, I could get used to you, bun. You should come see me more often~” Minghao licks his lips as his fingers continue to play with your tail; eyes trained on the way your body shivers underneath him. “You’re scared of me but you want me to fuck you all day, don’t you? Breed your hot ‘lil pussy until you’re full of my cum. But even then you’d still be begging me for more.”

He lets go of your tail, instead reaching around your body until his fingertips are on your clit.

“Cum for me bun, let me feel how tight you get around my cock.”

A high pitched whine is all you can manage when you cum on his command; eyes clamped shut as the pleasure washes over you. You let out a choked sob in the midst of your high, already itching to get to another orgasm.

Minghao opts to grind against you as you ride out your pleasure and he can’t help but grin at the way you keep trying to fuck yourself on his cock.

Your stuttered breaths and whines are the only noise in the room when Minghao draws his hips back; eyes fixated on his cock that’s covered in your wetness when he pulls out. He gently maneuvers you onto your back as you groan.

“Don’t tell me you’re tired already, bun? I still haven’t bred your cute ‘lil cunt. Don’t you want me to fill you up with cum? Get you nice ‘n full like you want?”

Your bleary eyes blink up at him, shaky fingertips reaching down to your soaking folds. Licking your lips, you spread yourself for him, letting him see how much wetter you were getting with each passing second. He raises a brow at you, noting the lust that pools in your eyes. 

“Hurry and b-breed me then, M--Minghao… I wanna, ah, feel you c-cumming too..”

The panther hybrid grins; eyes twinkling with playfulness as he positions himself at your entrance.

“Don’t mind if I do, bun~”

[aghostsdestiny]

An "about" me & my blog in regards to people's opinions

Ive wanted to say something in the tag for some time but didnt want to risk coming off wrong when im still recovering from some medical issues that effect my filters. I dont want to be unfair or make anyone feel unwelcome from any of the positivity messages Ive posted and plan to post (next idea is Destiny themed suicide prevention fanart - NO ONE should unalive themselves, not even assholes; dont get dead, get better! Just keep trying), but a big point is that I been too scared of past bullying to speak up much or even follow anyone so y'all dont really know me yet.

In the name of fairness, as I've mentioned my filters... well, like everyone else I too have the unfortunate habit of thinking "... did we really read the same lore? And THAT was your takeaway??" but thats needlessly hurtful and calling people stupid when they arent; they could have been distracted at the time they read the lore or they just see things differently. Or maybe... it just means too much to them to see it any other way. Maybe they NEED for it to mean something that saves them. Thats NOT "stupid." Thats survival. They found what helps them, thats wonderful!

Maybe theyre wrong about lore meaning, but maybe IM wrong. Yes, i do think they're wrong but they think im wrong and im ok with that, theres no harm in it. Been keeping it to my own lane & mind my own business. Im trying to get better with my filters as well as unlearn some habits, but yes I have months ago made at least one comment here to the effect "uhh... people think THIS about the lore??" and im ashamed of that because its not who i want to be. I prefer to celebrate people not being some robot copy of me. Yes! Please! Have a different thought from me! Just be nice to me about it, is all i ask, and if you're not... well thats saddening, but i hope we can be friendly some day soon.

Thats far from to say im perfect or am trying to be; Im trying to be what makes me happiest, use my creativity in combination with my psychology knowledge to be more gentle with people, and thats not for everyone. Maybe some other people are in a place right now where they have to figuratively beat each other's brains in online to decide if thats who they want to be (as long as everyones a willing participant, etc). While ive always tried to do the right thing, I used to be a bit more abrasive with my opinion years ago in perceived self defense and... maybe i needed to be to get where i am now.

Im at the point in my life where Ive seen enough drama, known irl horrors & experienced legit crippling mental illnesses/disorders that taught me how frail humans can really be; all of which makes me see it as anyone could be gone anyday and if this were my last month alive then i want to be kind before i die. I want to leave good behind. 30 years ago I was a Mr Roger's kid, i grew up & i wanna be "a helper" now, however much by my limited means of small-scale caring without hurting others. I wont save the world or be a firefighter, I'll never be perfect & i dont want to be, but you dont have to be perfect to be kind. Nor do you have to be a doormat (reminder: Mr Rogers legally sued the KKK. And won), but im not sure how to balance that yet so im shrugging issues off for now.

I know Ive rambled, & i apologize. I wont use the read more line because in the past its deleted things. I took time away to give a long thought about the fighting & assess how i really feel, what i really want to put out there & i dont want it glitching out. I... really want people to be nicer to each other in the fandom, its just... im not their parent, babysitter, keeper, nurse or doctor, & i dont know what they need right now. Im not going to tell anyone what to do, regardless of whether theyd listen or not. Its their free will to live how they see fit. I'll tend my lane & they can tend theirs.

But hey. Hey you. You heated people, if youre even reading this... i wish as much good for you as anyone else. Being assertive is tiring (as i well remember lol). Any friendly thing i post is also for you. Take care of yourself, hydrate, do whatever kindnesses you feel inclined to, & best wishes with your life. The positivity isnt JUST for cinnamon rolls, people who dont complain, people with empty block lists, or never been in an argument, etc. Its for you too. Even if you dont care right now, possibly in some "i dont need your stinkin posts" mentality. That might change. Dont ever look at my positivity posts & think that you're excluded. Ever. Everyone on Earth is trying to get better together, & thats our Destiny.

(Yes this is how corny it is in my head, lol, arent you glad i dont normally talk much XD)

[oh-theatre]

Objection!: Chapter 26

Chapter title: When Youre Home

A/n: Sorry it took awhile and im sorry its shorter!! Ive been really busy but I still wanted to get a chapter out! And ofc cant tell you what happens just yet also gotta let ya suffer. Sorry its bad but enjoy!! PLEASE LEAVE ME COMMENTS YALL! PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS AND IF ITS CONFUSING OR YOU HAVE QUESTIONS IM HERE TO ANSWER THEM OK?

First | Previous | Next

words: 2356

summary: The world freezes as the gang follows the events of the previous night

pairings: Eventual logicality, prinxiety, platonic demus, romantic remile

warnings: Murder mention, child murder, Law and Courtroom, swearing, blood, hospital, crime scene,  murder, gun mention, guns, swearing, abuse, graphic descriptions, alcohol, shooting, crying

Ao3 Link  

“Dada!” No, Logan couldn't. His throat closes tightly hearing the sound of frantic children racing toward him. Wiping away his nervous tears he stands, the twins waste no time as Logan kneels to nuzzle themselves into him. Emile and Remy, somber faces, approach from behind. “Where's Papa?” Valerie shakes, her fears from the night only arising.

“Um...Patton is…” Logan cant speak, the words catch in his throat, stuck at some border keeping them down. “He’s…” He doesn't wish to beg for assistance, but his eyes beg  to anyone. Everyone avoids him, except…

“Why don't we go get some food?” Emile offers, the twins attention, tired and worn out, and focuses on the doctor. “We can get something for your dad” Emile and Remy work in sync, taking the pair from Logan. Nothing changes but the smallest glint shows his thankfulness. They set off and just as soon as they appeared, they fade into the rush of the midnight hour at the hospital. Cold and dark, Logan wants them back, the aching his body feels as he no longer can feel their presence.

He could see the crowd move, he could hear their mumblings and the world continue on. But he felt numb, like static surrounding him, nothing was there. Silence in this noisy void. Even when Virgil places his hand on the lawyers shoulder it takes a moment to register, then his face only sends him back.

“Hey we he- Patton” It takes almost no time to identify the ooze of blood and the frozen terror in the center of the courtroom. Virgil steps back, a moment of hesitation, Roman rushing by him sparks him back alive. He had never seen a puzzle so broken, so many pieces lost. Logan couldn't speak, but he held so tightly. But to what? Virgil hated it but it didnt look like Patton.

“Hel..help” Logan manages, something in him however was gone. Virgil couldn't look anymore, the pale face, he longed to see the bright smile, promising love as it flashed to all it passed. The sparkle of his eyes, a smart shine closed as they looked empty. Nothing was there, no one was there….

“Uhm Roman Reial, I need an ambulance… the courthouse on Preise Boulevard” He rushes, his breaths short and scared. “A-a gunshot wound...please just hurry” He pleads, Logan continues staring towards the door. The icy blue that sparked with wisdom and his unsuspected and treasured love had melted. They were empty, devoid of purpose to shine.

“We...we’re engaged” He mumbles, Virgil looks to Pattons hands instantly. The scuffed skin didn't distract from the stunning glimmer of the ring around his finger.

“C-come on” Virgil tries “We have to get him out of here...or apply pressure...or stop the bleeding or-”

“Virge breathe” Roman takes his hand, squeezing it gently. Their eyes meet and the dangerous storm dies down in Virgil, finding a light rain should suffice. “He’ll be ok”

“Don't make promises you can't keep” Virgil whispers, listening to a silent Logan crying ever so gently over a fallen love. Roman cups his cheek, the movement feeling natural.

“I'm not” He takes Virgil to the side, calming him as medics and cops file in. The pair are guilty as they ignore Logan's desperate cries, shunning away while Patton, if you can call his lifeless body that was hauled away. Logan sinks again, unable to move, no one makes a sound, the room falls quiet once more. “Logan…” Roman begins, his caution at a high point. The lawyer shakes his head, searching for the words, any words. A simple croak.

“Hes-”

“Dead” Logan mutters “He's dead” He slumps into his chair, Roman and Virgil share uneasy glances.

“What happened?!” The three look up, their eyes landing in unison. A fiery path alight as Barbara marched towards them, Marcy following her footsteps trying to put out the dark. Logan stands, not expecting the rough descent to the physical world. “What did you do?” She spits, desperate as everything falls apart.

“Barb!” Marcy calls, gently removing her from a distant Logan. “Bubbles take a breath, it's not Logan's fault” Marcy assures, stroking ever so delicately to her wife. Barbara tries to conjure an argument but shatters, falling into Marcys arms as she cries.

Shouldn't Logan be doing the same?

Why couldn't he feel the pain?

Had he succumbed...to the dark?

Not too long ago his confusion was riddled with unbearable pain, the sadness too much to feel as it coursed through his veins, practically pumping his breath. He needed Patton, that took something out of him. The name, even the mere thought was too much, a break in his step. Turning rapidly away from this scene, too much of a mirror of his inner turmoil, he walks to the door, and kept going. Ignore, he told himself, ignore the shouts and the concern.

“Patton Hart” He demands, the woman perks up, a note of sympathy accompanies her sweet smile. She dials the phone, hushed whispers before she returns to Logan, the man no doubt seemed insane.

“I'm sorry sir, mister Hart is still in surgery” She informs. “We will send someone out with updates, but please return to the waiting room” She requests, her politeness and formality wasn't something Logan could argue. And it made sense, what was he thinking. Resigned with shame he returns to the group, the moment his sweaty back hits the chair he gives in. The tears just come, you'd think dehydration might be a risk as he sobs with no filter. No one dared move, not even a breath escaped but Barbara's face morphs, she takes his side, clutching hard. If he needed pressure, he was getting it.

Everyone loved him, but these two...it was different. The pain, the absolute grief they felt, couldn't be matched, only sprouted from their passionate love. Even if there's differences between each other, it was intense...and it hurt. And they shared that, how awful…

~~~

“I hear kids” Patton chuckles into the pillow, Logans arms remain around the smaller of the pair. It was true, the feet moved rapidly through the house, the wooden floors revealing their location with coy creaks. Logan groans, nuzzling into Patton not wishing to lose this warmth. “C’mon” Patton giggles, a gentle kiss on Logan's cheek before he sits up. His hair falling perfectly into a fluffed cloud. The pair reach for their glasses, preparing for the wave that approaches them.

“Papa! Dada!” The door bursts and the twins spare no one, jumping into the bed as they pounce on the fathers. Both lawyers fall back, laughing through muffled embraces. The twins had grown immensely, and yet they insisted on Sunday morning hugs.

“Where do you attain all this energy?” Logan wonders, adjusting Remus in front of him, the boy bounces excited. “It's eight in the morning” Logan yawns, Valerie follows suit sitting next to her brother.

“Lo they've only been alive for ten years, they have all the energy in the world” Patton teases, resting his head on Logan's accepting shoulder. “Why don't we give your father some space, come on Ill make you breakfast” Patton takes his time, slipping on his slippers as he leads the eager twins to the kitchen. The skip behind him, humming sweetly as they clutch to his hands.

“Cartoons?” Remus proposes, Patton nods and allows them to set up in front of the couch. The shows blare loud but nothing Patton didn't enjoy or was used to, he begins his work diligently in the kitchen. Never could he gain tired of the sweet bouts of laughter from the children.

“Good morning pop!” Patton turns, a giant grin spreads. Terrence stands idle, his cup tight in his small hands, his smile reflects brightly.

“Well good morning sweetness” Patton greets, kneeling slightly to face the young boy. “What can I do for you?” He offers, Terrence holds out his cup, shaking it gladly. “Juice or water?”

“Juice please! Jamahl sleeping still” He replies, Patton obliges, securing the drink into his hands once more. “Thank you kindly!” He beams, Patton hides a sweet chuckle, his vocabulary increasing everyday. “Hello papa” He waves to a slumbering Logan, hugging his legs before racing off to join his siblings, Logan ruffles his hair watching him go. Patton giggles turning back to his work, the stove ready for the delectable delight.

“Mmm” Logan hums, his arms wrapping gently around Patton's waist. His head falls perfectly on the mans shoulder, burrowing with ease. Patton giggles, the tickles certainly help to awake the man. Logan grows impatient spinning Patton towards him, leaning into a gentle kiss, a nice satisfaction as he pulls away.

“What was that for?” Patton laughs, Logan shrugs returning to his position. He enjoys watching his husband work, the careful manner as he prepares food, the unconscious humming that carries a tune. He places yet another kiss on Patton's cheek, wanting to remain as such forever. They both take a moment to turn to the children, each excited as the animation dances across the stage. Patton takes Logans hands in his own, interlacing their fingers as they watch.

“I want another” Logan yawns, Patton continues his cooking. He shakes his head stirring the coffee pouring two even cups.

“Another kiss?” He jokes, obliging by his own manner. Logan pouts and pulls Patton back to him. “Yes dearest?” He wonders

“Another kid” Logan presses, Pattons amused smile remains but falters a tad. “I mean look at them, they're perfect” Logan smiles, his glasses drooping. Patton adjusts them for him but bites his tongue. “Come on...I was looking and talking to Lia and-” Patton interjects quickly

“Lo I don't want another kid” He admits, his brows furrowed with concern. Logan takes a step back, their hands remain connected.

“I….what?” Logan mutters “I mean...you love kids. And you're wonderful with them. I don't understand…” Patton strokes his cheek, calming the anxiety he can see forming.

“I do love kids. I love Virgils son, I adore Thomas and the twins and Terrence are my life” Patton promises, yet something is off. “I just...I don't want another kid” He restates. “Divine, we are both full time lawyers and I'm on the city counsel. We already have trouble balancing our schedules with them. Adopting a child, no matter the age would be difficult. And it wouldn't be fair on them” Patton explains.

“What about Terrence? And Jamahl?” Logan marvels, scouring his brain. “That was even more dire, you were just out of the hospital a-and you were just starting. I was just beginning to learn what it meant to be a father-”

“And you are amazing at it” Patton smiles, Logan can't find the same urge.

“Terrence was a baby, I mean we could take in a grown child...like Jamahl. Statistics show that they are less likely to be taken in and it would save us the trouble of a newborn and it would be easier to help them adjust and understand” Logan rushes, desperate. “We can do it” He assures, Pattons usual determination, his need to please Logan just couldn't conjure itself.

“I-im sorry Lo, I don't want another kid” Patton laments, finally it seems their hands find their way apart.

“Ok maybe not now, I mean maybe in the future we could-” Logan tries. Pattons hands clutch to the table, the spatula could sink into the counter.

“No Logan you're not hearing me” He whispers, wishing to keep this to themselves. “I don't want another kid, We’ve got two ten year olds. Both who have been through more than any ten year old should. Both also very familiar to a broken home, and wishing for nothing more than to keep what stability they have. We've got a little five year old who despite being just a baby was thrown through system and system and didn't know a stable and safe home until he took his first steps on that carpet over there and his over-protective brother finally trusted us” Patton takes a frustrated breath “We have full careers and If I know you, which I pride myself on, you want it go further and advance” He watches the once expression he hated so much, Logans eyes fall hopeless. He takes his cheeks, aweing so gently. “Logan, my starlight, I love you so much. I love you, and the kids and my job and my friends. I like our life. But I don't want another kid, Jamahls about to go off to college, the twins are going to be in highschool in no time and Terrence is beginning school” Patton serves the now saddened breakfast, moving to the table as he sets it. Molly whines at his feet for food, he wishes to coo but his heart feels heavy.

“Patton I-” Logan begins

“I have to go wake up Jamahl, he has SAT prep and Thomas is coming over soon to play with Terrence” Patton gives another look before disappearing behind the wall. Both take shuddered breaths fearing their own ability to stop tears. The house felt tense, hard to move through, hard to breath. Hard to stay still, why was it shaking?

“Logan” The softest voice cuts through, the lawyer sputters awake, his eyes flutter open. Virgil kneels in front of him, his hands gentle as he places a hold on the man. “He's out of surgery” Virgil informs, Logan nods before fully comprehending Virgil's words. He jumps up, rushing to the doctor who was seemingly reporting to Barbara.

“...he hasn't awoken yet but his vitals are stable for now” The man finishes, thats all Logan needed. “As you are immediate family you can see him, the rest of you will have to wait” Logans heart drops, falling below his knees. Barbara rings her hands but takes Logan.

“This is his husband” The doctor checks his chart, skeptical as to who is listed. “Its recent so he hasn't had time to update it” Barbara adds, Logan would be eternally grateful to her later. Especially as they walk through the forbidden doors and straight down to the room…

His room.  

[lollytea]

What are your opinions about Jungle cubs? I loved that show as a kid!

hi hello!! thank u for humoring me!! i love getting asks about the stuff im currently obsessed with that nobody really cares about, it makes me feel valid! also i dont have well constructed opinions, i just have a very messy, manic head so i just babble all my thoughts. for that i am sorry 

im not gonna say jungle cubs is the best damn cartoon to hit the tv and maybe its just my own biased love speaking when i call it a good show but it means a lot to me personally. it brought me comfort as a little kid, i came back to it as a teen when i was feeling very alone and came back to it again as an adult just cuz of my recent love of baloo and talespin and needing something to keep me upbeat during the quarantine. 

and ive watched quite a few cartoons i loved as a kid that i dont really vibe with anymore. i tried rewatching gummi bears. its not my thing. but jungle cubs is?? really good?? its just so charming to watch. i love the expressive animation, i love the smooth flowing dialogue, i love the playful and naive tone it has of just a bunch of kids being kids, i love the depiction of these characters, i love the performance of the voice actors, i love the layers it adds to the original film. layers that were never intended to be in there in the first place but isnt that just the beauty of interpretation and ones own imagination. 

its such a formulaic concept isnt it. to take a classic show/movie and make its protagonists babies for a spinoff. but i dunno, i always got the feeling that whoever was the backbone of this story actually cared about the characters they were writing and took a sincere approach to it. 

they thought in-depth about how to devolve them from their current personalities in a realistic way and what aspects of themselves are so core to their being that they would have been ingrained since childhood. the cubs feel pretty three-dimensional and considering theyre cash grab spinoff babies, that is an amazing feat.

but also, i love it for the very very very simple reason of its really adorable. bagheera especially. to see such a stoic and levelheaded character in his earliest stage as a child just Hits for me. cub bagheera is clever, hes cautious, hes a little stuck-up, all traits he has in the movie. hes also not the best hunter, doesnt know how to roar yet, is a little cowardly, sorta awkward at times and is often trying to prove that hes the best even though hes aware that he is nowhere near the best.

like its easy to believe the kind of person he grows up to be but at the same time, its really interesting to see the more childish aspects of himself that he eventually matured past. and hes adorable dude! baby bagheera voiced by EG Daily is the sweetest goddamn thing, i love him so much 

also shere khan who is a fuckin doozy. hes very interesting in this too. everything about his attitude is reminiscent of a preteen who says mean things to you on voice chat while playing overwatch but if you tell him you’re gonna call the police on him, he starts panicking. thats shere khan’s vibe, a real edgy little tiger who thinks hes hot shit cuz he probably caught something bigger than a mouse like one time and its gone to his head. 

hes constantly stalking around, subtly bragging about what a natural predator he is. but at the same time, he’s still around?? hes still hanging around with the other cubs cuz hes ALSO a cub and likes to play around with other kids his age. and he fucking loves his friends. the amount of times he’s scared off bigger animals who were about to harm them. and its really sweet cuz they like him too. while his attitude is definitely annoying sometimes, they still consider him their friend and enjoy his company. its just wholesome. 

plus hes also pretty vulnerable as hes a cub. he doesnt stand a chance when they come across a grown animal as a threat. he gets scared just like the rest of them, hes just so arrogant that he never admits it. 

in fact the appeal of the show in general to me, is the vulnerabilities of all the characters that comes with being in their most immature state. they dont know any better when it comes to stuff. this show is real dumbass hours 

EVERYTHING about baloo is just great. he does not change even slightly. he is exactly the same except hes little and his voice hasnt broke yet. his child voice is amazingly fitting also.

i mean i guess one thing that differentiates him is adult baloo had some semblance of a philosophy. he was wise....in a way. baby baloo does not know shit about shit. he does not think. he just vibes, okay?? i love him mwah

i dont have much to say about the others but i DO like this interpretation of them more than their adult selves. it also just feels bittersweet that they grew up to be such dicks. Haithi is lovely, i love that hes just out here TRYING to be a colonel but he lacks the authority that comes with being a grown elephant and he doesnt have the self confidence to command anybody yet. he is simply babey.

 louie is a very cute little dude, i love him and baloo as just an idiot squad. he also has a very good voice

kaa.....i dont trust. on one hand, hes very sweet as a child but on the OTHER HAND he grows up to be the creepiest fucking creation disney has ever put in a movie so that snake will always rub me the wrong way even when im trying to like him. 

also ONE THING thats driving me crazy about this show is like. it has the best depiction of pre-adolescent boys that i have ever seen in a cartoon ever. just the way they behave. theyre sweethearts one minute, extremely mean the next minute, going from building eachother up to lightly bullying eachother, lots of unprovoked play fighting, laughing over dumb shit, rude to strangers for no goddamn reason, theres just a lot. 

it fuckin knocked me back like 15 years cuz it reminded me so much of kids i used to play with. and these arent even human children whose brain development is documented, these are animals, this show had no business being this spot-on.

i dont like season 2. it has a few gems here and there that i get a kick out of. but as a whole, its really disappointing. since the show swapped production companies, they seemed to uproot it completely and start from scratch. and its kinda sad cuz i think they were TRYING to do something poignant when it came to a future narrative but it just didnt land. firstly there was a huge animation downgrade and looking at the two season in comparison is kinda depressing. 

also they redesigned the characters, some looked worse than others. baloo looked fine but i still preferred his og look. bagheera....was the worst. rip bagheera. 

they all underwent a huge personality change. and not in the way that showed subtle maturity, i mean a vapid exaggeration of their original personality. the only characters who were left relatively alone in this regard were baloo and kaa. and i dont mind gradually changing a character since there IS an adult version of them that they should be growing into. but the season 2 depictions are literally the furthest things from their adult selves that its unbelievable.

 another pet peeve is they changed a few of the voice actors and.....i love these season 2 voice actors in other work theyve done. dee bradley baker and cree summer specifically who are both very talented people. but they did not fit these roles in the slightest. (not to mention having cree summer play an APE and suddenly having her do a LOT of monkey noises that the previous va never had to do. im not gonna get into all that BUT hmm.) and if youre gonna recast the characters to make them sound “older” as least make them sound somewhat similar to the jungle book actors, so you can picture them eventually growing into those voices. 

also the tone shifted so much between seasons. the way they tried to make this jungle more of a “society” with shit like talent shows and sports games and celebrities and like fuckin. STOP. theyre animals. just let them be animals. along with that the writing just feels really off and its just. not fun. i dont like it 

and as i mentioned, they WERE trying to do something here. the fact that the cubs didnt hang out with eachother as much and were starting to drift apart is kinda sad and wouldve liked it see it handled a little better. but instead i got season 2, which was stupid. and im 21 and im petty. 

anyway i am very sorry that ended so negatively and im very sorry that rant was completely all over the place i have no sense of proper organization i just wanted to gush about what i love. but on a positive note i love jungle cubs!! its very dear to my heart and makes me very happy and i wish it had gotten more episodes

[superemeralds]

ive had my own idea for a sonic movie that would still be live action and a generic child-friendly action-comedy just like the “real” sonic movie is (presumably) gonna be

IN SHORT!

The main character that makes a duo with sonic for the majority of the movie is a young girl named June.

The overall plot is very similar to sonic x, but altered to fit the time span of the usual one and a half hours movie length in movies like that.

detailed description, explanation of the pictures and character info under the cut!

Through a mal-induced chaos control eggman and sonics friends get transported into the real world. this time space rift causes some really weird stuff to happen and June gets seperated from her dad, who was just on his way to bring her to school.

at first she thinks its cool to meet a talking blue hedgehog in a really pretty nature-y place and skip school to play with him, but soon they notice that they are not alone. Eggmans robots got transported to our world too! June gets captured because she is seen with sonic and therefore identified as a threat by eggmans robots! Sonic runs after her towards what seems to be eggmans base.

meanwhile the dad was transported to a really high place, whihc is bad cos he’s  got fear of heights. Luckily tails and knuckles appear and offer to help him down

both teams start looking for eachother, but get interrupted by various obstacles. June and Sonic get hold off by eggmans schemes, while Dad and Sonics friends stumble upon amy, who just escaped a military research facility. she hoped that cream would be with the others, but it seemed that they had to go back and save her. the Dad used to be a hobby boxer, but since he’s a lawyer he doesn’t really do that much anymore. it surely helped him when taking out those government officials. its funny how a lawyer breaks the law, right? there’s many jokes on that and his character development goes from strict father figure that doesnt allow fun and insists on obeying the law to a wild and free man who does what’s right, even if  he has to break rules. (also he screams “sorry” every time he KOs someone because hes that kinda guy)

June and sonic manage to infiltrate the egg carrier that was transported into our world and set it to crash and render all his stuff useless!

However, the ship is on course for the city which they didnt realize until it started losing height. eggman pretends that he can still stop this if the people are willing to make him their unquestionable ruler, but sonic and june are determined to stop the ship themselves. sonic keeps eggman busy while June is in the command center trying to find a way to make the ship change course and go crash in the ocean.

in the end everything is exploding and falling apart and eggman is fleeing, June managed to change the ships course and runs up to sonic telling him he needs to run, sonic says that she doesnt have to tell him twice and they go.

sonic gets blown to the side by an explosion and trips over debris, making his knee bleed a little (u cant see blood bc this is kid friendly hes just hurt like theres dirt or smth lol) and he tells june to run and not worry, but she comes back and lifts him on her back and is determined to run as fast as she can to get outside

when she reaches a door she screams because she’s scared. they are close to the ground, but not close enoguh to make it alive if she jumped... then sonic hugs her from behind and says “jump on my command” and shes like. no way. but he says “trust me we’re not gonna get hurt if we hit water” and shes like “but i cant swim that well” sonic chuckles “me neither” and then she gets the memo and is all determined and ready and they make it and its magical

they might also have a scene thats a nudge to 06 where sonic is very Positive and gives good life advice.

while everything seems like its perfect eggman is starting plan B of his conquer the others were all alarmed by the crashing egg carrier and therefore came speeding in the modified car tails rebuild for Dad (it can turn into a fucken plane. Dad and June are finally reunited and he thanks sonic for watching after her, and sonics like nah ur daughter totally watched after me shes a hero.

and then they work together to stop eggmans final boss robot and save the city.

at some point they all found chaos emeralds somewhere. and sonic can turn super to finish eggman off. yeah that sounds cool.

that also makes him and the others fade back into their own dimension, bc hes Got That Power

in the end its just him, June and Dad iin midst of a park in the city with debris and shit and June is like. sonic dont go we jsut became friends

and sonics like. treasure the memories you make and live life to the fullest bc u only got this one shot and u gotta make the best of it. n her dad is all agreeing and shakes his hand and is like. thanks sonic

and June hugs him and cries but smiles and sonic says nice smile bc im kinda getting emotional writing this all out and then he disappears in a flash of light and in that moment it cuts to the mom on the side of the park in her car with the window down going “what the-” and credits roll

thanks for reading

okay i know most of this was really silly and unfinished but granted i was making this all up as i went on and on about this and like. yea. i brainstormed this in like. 2 horus time completely from scratch, only using sonic X as basis for the plot and the humor of popular and successful action comedies as inspiration for the tone of the movie

as for the characters i just thoguht a carefree girl thats tired of being stuffed into a mold meeting sonic and learning that its okay to be herself and do what u think is right, learning that kindness really is the most powerful thing on earth and that friendships are precious??? hell fucking yeah!

also child character is more relateable than a fucking cop. kids will be able to relate to June, while adults (long time fans most of all) will be able to see their past self in her.

as for the dad, a lot of adults might see themselves in this dad role who just wants the best for his  kid, while being stuck in a boring job that doesnt really fulfil them, but pays the bills and the lifestyle the family has.

I also really wanted characters that you have not seen before. Whenever i see a black dad he has a shaved head and thats kinda boring its just. basic. nothing agianst dads with shaved heads but why is Every Single(black) Dad Bald/Buzzcut? so i gave him dreads because why not? looks cool when he does action shit. whoosh whoosh

i knew i wanted a kid and i knew i wanted a girl. im really fond of puffy pigtails and i decided to go with a black girl just because! it was the very first thing that came to my mind when i was looking for an adventurous girl that wants to go on adventures with a blue talking hedgehog.

plus loving black dads that lov their girls rly rly need rep u_u

as for sonics design, i tried to compromise with the movie’s need for a more realistic sonic by making him overall fluffier to hint at texture, but keeping his core design and proportions.

the same goes for all the other characters.

I’m still very thinking emoji about eggman, I think it would be best to have him be either played by a fat person. Like Really Fat Person to resemble his original design (hes fat okay who cares abt slanky legs) or have him be CGI/partially CGI due to the fact that he’s from another dimension.

and uh. that’s all i have to say for now! it’s 1am and i should get to bed!

[sharkytrash7]

My last say. Hopefully not my final essay.

So I've been watching YouTube videos of how to get over ex's and how to deal with break ups. In my heart, I know we belong together. I know the fact that I'm not Christian is a problem. My arguement is that you never fell in love with an atheist. You fell in love with me. Its tough when you refer to me as atheist because I'm so much more then that. You of all people know that. I love you with all my heart. I want to marry you still. I'm not of being alone or being without you. I'm scared of what I am without you. To be honest you were and still are my guardian angel in my eyes. You've changed my life and I hate to see you leave. You keep emphasizing that we might not be together but I still have hope we'll be together. After all, you have my rib. I know things are hard for you at the moment with God. Its tough for me 2. I go to afda and put on a smile pretending I'm fine. You want to be with a Christian. I get that. But no Christian will be as good as I am to you. Even tough I'm not a Christian, I can try to be the best person in the world for you. I dont love for your looks or your voice or cause you give me affection or cause you buy me stuff or cause you did things to me. Its all those things and more. I love you cause youre you. I would never change anything about you. Even your cute toes. Once upon a time I promised you I'd convert for you. I want to make this clear ! I am not trying to manipulate you in any way shape or or form ! Im just venting to tumblr. I'd keep my promise. It wouldnt be for you or for me but for us. Cause your right woman ! Its just better if we're both Christian. I know your gonna be thinking, "hmmmm, hes probably just saying this so I get back with him. He just wants me back. What an ass" and it does look like that. Thats why. Huh. Idk actually. I guess it is kinda fucked up to say this. Kinda shity cause then it would make your life 10 times harder. Okay so ignore that bit. Im not deleting it because effort AND because I said it / typed it with meaning and for a reason.

I get why we dont talk because if your parents find out they'll lose their minds and also because I'm pulling you away from your God things. But like when will I be able to date you. Ya know. Like even if I was Christian, your parents would still hate me. And if your parents forgave me. I wouldnt be Christian. So i get your side of life. Cause thats tough cookie. I wish our love could be enough because it is lowkey for us. Its a rough one. I wanna tell you so many things but i dont wanna jinx your future. I just find it crazy that you think your going to marry someone else. People have been saying its just because your my first girlfriend but I dont believe em. I felt a connection with you. Something I dont see happening with anyone else. You keep telling not to wait for you but its what I feel is right. Just like how you said it feels right to break up. I dont think this will last forever. We'll I wont be able to last much longer but. I feel like we've got this. We've been through a lot together and I'm positive about us. When I said us not being together would be a watse I didnt mean a waste of time or money or anything. I just meant it would be crazy for us to go through everything we did just to let (a big deal) get in the way. I love you. I love you. I LOVE YOU MY BOO !

Lowkey in the back of my head thinking this

I know I said these things but I cant hold you to anything. You could be over me and my shit and want another relationship. I have to deal with that. If you want some buff white english indie guy to come love you then that the way it'll be.

Deep down I want it to be though. Like I want to be your knight. Your dark knight _wink wink_. I know eternal life is a big thing for you and I'd like to be there with you to. I dont really know if I'll be accepted up in heaven. Even if i am a Christian. Im hard on myself like that. Id rather let more deserving people go to heaven. Idk why I put myself. Its just me. I just see potential in others. More so than in myself. I see my purpose on earth as a chance to help others. You know. Plus im sure when (i cant remember the name of it) the blue lights come down and take people to heaven. Im sure I'll meet you up there. Your just so scared of messing up like one thing and I get it I was like that 2. Id make sure everything was planned out. Truth is. I hd to stop being scared in order to move forward. Like after my car accident. I was terrified to drive again. I couldnt deal with driving. But i had to get over it. And I know you blame yourself and God for what happened. Please dont. Everything happens for a reason. I feel like that stuff taught me a lesson about being calm and calming myself down. It definitely wasnt God punishing you for being with me. Again not trying manipulate you or preach to you or try to change your thoughts. Its just my opinion. All I'm hoping you do is consider what I'm saying. I really truley am sorry about everything but at the same time. Everything that happened has happened and its made us who we are. If given the chance I'd do it again.

Also lowkey I'd love to celebrate 2 years with you. #nopressure. Like seriously I'm being serious but at the same time dont stress you cute little head about it. If it doesnt happen it doesnt happen.

My eating habits have gotten worse. Idk. Im lowkey scared im dying. I want to go to the doctor but its expensive and I've been such a burden on my parents. I'm pretty sure I can wait a couple years before getting it checked up.

My new glasses are cool. You have to see yhem in person. That another thing. I thought i wouldve seen you by now just driving or something. But i guess you only really drive to church and home. Or to someones house or like a party thing.

Happy 21st birthday baby. Wow. Your getting like so old. I still remember falling in love with the 19 year old you. Look how far we came. A whole 2 years. Youve grown so much since then. Firstly you don't bump into cars xD. Jk. You really have become such a grown up and I've been blessed being there with you. You became independent and youve become yourself. Its was a wild trip but to see you come out on top has been worth it. You deserve the world. And if anyone tries to hurt you / stop you, send em my way. Youre one of the most beautiful intelligent cutest amazingest bestest person in the whole world. Happy Birthday Boo.

The boo tattoo. We getting em together ? Also all your stuff is still here so if you do move out invite me over sometime so i can drop off these things. Lowkey your life is amazing and spontaneous and I have huge FOMO (fear of missing out). You don't to worry about me tho. I've been waiting to do things with you.

Moving out. Yeah. Its a big possibility next for me. I remember you originally said we can't live together which sucked but made sense. So. If you ever need a place to stay. Call me. I'll set up a guest bedroom for you.

I wasnt going to with your dad a happy birthday because you never with mine I dont think. But im not a monster like you. Jk lol. You probs just forgot.

Also it really sucks you cant speak 2 me. Your not an asshole. I just wish you could've helped me calm down.

Im sorry this was so long. I'm sure Ive forgotten things and said things I shouldnt have but tbh its been kinda theraputic for me. Like I feel a lot better having got thise things off my chest. You dont have to reply to anything yet. Cause I know your brains busy atm. If you can acknowledge that you seen it that would be nice. But ja. Please dont take anything Ive said personally or strongly. I just blurped things out and yes things do have meaning. But it takes two to tango. I desperately want to tango with you though.

Ps I love you

Pps Im sorry

Ppps take me back

Pppps jk. not jk

Yours truly

Triston Kyle Pillay (Penguin)

3:36 Vala is today. Shhhh

[jj-ktae]

Fragrance IV : Leather

Title : Fragrances

Genre : Fluff, Angst, Romance

Pairing : Jaebum x Reader

Summary : You are a perfume composer, he is a lyricist, and while you’re left with too many possibilities, he is out of inspiration. Your only bond is an unknown fragrance.

- Teaser - Vetiver - Chypre - Fougère - Leather - Oud - Neroli - Gourmand - Ambergris -

Fragrance IV : Leather

A strong, smoky scent that stems from ingredients used to tan leathers—it’s usually used in fragrance with the help of synthetic chemicals.

Choi Youngjae’s smile is lunar. It’s illuminating his shy face in a way that makes you grin like an idiot. He is looking at Jaebum like he is a star and you finally understand how loved this guy is.

“I’m working on an album and I would love for us to work together on it.”  Jaebum doesn’t seem to like what he is hearing, and you and Bambam don’t know how to react so you look at each other before slowly moving away from the two. You don’t go that far though because Jaebum grabs your arm to keep you next to him. You see his pleading gaze and Bambam understands right away, moving away without you and you see your tiny glint of hope fade away from the awkward situation.

“I can’t.” Youngjae’s smile fades as soon as Jaebum speaks. He looks disappointed suddenly and you want to pet his hair and comfort his puppy state. “Why not? I know we don’t create the same music but your lyrics are wonderful and my agency needs some change in my artistic orientation.”

Jaebum snorts, his hand still around your forearm like you’re his only ally on earth. You don’t move nor speak, conscious that you can do nothing except being here and support him silently.

“This is why I can’t. I don’t write for the sake of a career. I’m sorry.” He pulls on your arm and you both walk away from a surprised Youngjae. Jaebum’s face is indecipherable. He grabs another glass of champagne on your way to the tiny balcony across the reception room, feet soft yet hurried against the hotel’s marble.

He stops to look outside and it’s like a fresh bowl of hair for him. You stay silent, waiting for him to let go of your arm and puzzled by how different he looks without the entrancing smell of his tortured being. You can’t stand the tension though, and if Jaebum is okay with staying quiet and watching the view like he is nostalgic of lost times, you pull on your arm, like a proof of your existence next to him.

He snaps his head toward you and the fingers around your forearm are gone in an instant. Jaebum is lost, right now.

“Are you okay?” You ask as carefully as you can. From what you know and observed ever since you met him, you can feel he is not okay with the sudden opportunity.

“No. I’m not okay.” His now free hand goes to his forehead before rubbing the skin, expressing his growing frustration. “I’m scared.”

You tilt your head, not surprised. “I can see that.” You wish you could be more of a support, but Jaebum without his smell is not Jaebum. His cologne is a tad too strong and it’s going against his subtle natural accord. You hate it.

“I’m not scared of failing. I’m scared of taking people down with me.” And he chuckles because the thought itself is scary. Ruining another artist’s career would end him for good.

“It could also work out and become a bop.” You lean against the balcony’s bench, eyes scanning the room and you see Bambam chatting with a depressed Youngjae.

Jaebum can’t see it, he is too busy watching the horizon. “I don’t want to create a bop; I want to do something beautiful and valuable.”

“A bop can be beautiful and valuable. Following a trend doesn’t mean being greedy.” You know what he means. Jaebum isn’t mainstream, he runs by his beliefs and what he thinks sounds good, he doesn’t want to be in the charts. It’s the same with perfumes.

“You know about it, luxury perfume maker.” He snorts and it shocks you. Your eyes swiftly go from the room to the side of his face and you suddenly feel offended. Are you being belittled by Im Jaebum, right now? He sighs, looking back at you with eyes that you didn’t know could exist on Jaebum “I’m sorry. I should just go home.”

You shake your head, trying not to think too much about his mean comeback. “Sure. If it makes you feel better.” You know it’s not the best comfort you gave in your life, but Jaebum feels so different you can’t do anything about it. You’re only a passer-by in his problems and you already have your own. There’s so little you can do to help him, except making sure he doesn’t do something stupid.

“Well...” His voice is so low you almost don’t hear him, but you don’t need to ask because he is already walking away along with his strange odour. You watch him enter the room, you see him avoid every eye and looks, you see Youngjae hit Bambam’s shoulder softly and you see your assistant check to look for you.

He comes as soon as he notices your bored face on the balcony. “Boss, I’m sorry, I didn’t to-”

“I know.” You cut him. It’s too late for apologies and too early to talk about this. You don’t want to think about this guy for now. He has issues he can’t deal with, so there is no way you could do it for him. Maybe your mind is turning into a cold bitch, maybe you’re only using this guy for your own benefit.

But then again, he does look like he is doing the same so it’s fine by you.

“Youngjae is kind of sad, now.” He points at his friend who is pouting into the room and you both enter the place again, doing your best to try and defend your roommate who brushed this guy’s hope like dust on a chest of drawers.

You come back home by 4 and find Jaebum writing at the same spot he always is. You smell this bloody perfume in your living-room and you want to throw it out the window but you head to your room instead, ignoring him as much as he is ignoring you.

You fall asleep at 6.

Bambam arrives later with croissants and freshly made orange juice. He is wearing a burgundy suit with golden jewellery and you open your flat’s door still in your pyjamas.

“Week-ends are chill days, got it.” He snaps his fingers with a grin when he enters and hands you the bag. You can smell butter from it, it must be delicious.

“I’m exhausted, let’s just work for a couple of hours.” You explain while going to the kitchen.

Bambam agrees. “Sure. Now that we found the base notes, we can focus on the middle notes.”

At this, you make a face. Thank god Jaebum took a shower before going to bed and erased that damned scent from himself. But now the familiar feeling is back. It’s back from god knows where and aiming for your head again, blurring your consistency and shaking your sanity.

Bambam sips on his drink and speaks again. “I think this perfume is going to be great.” You love his positivism. Bambam is not the type of boy who would let you feel down. He always comes up with great compliments and positivity. If only you could be like him.

You smile at him, nodding. If he says so.

“Youngjae doesn’t want to give up on Im Jaebum.” Bambam continues the talk and now you react. It tickles your interest because it’s much more intense to think about Jaebum when you’re surrounded by his aroma.

“He doesn’t look like he wants to work with him, though.” You explain. Bambam acquiesces.

“Youngjae told me he needs to get in touch with him. I don’t want him to kill me so...do you think you could help us?” To this you lift a questionable brow at your assistant.

“How? It’s not like he will listen to me.” You have no powers over him. He drags you toward him without knowing yet he doesn’t give a damn about your mere existence.

“Do you mind if I give Youngjae your number?”

You open your mouth, in shock “Why is that? I really can’t help. Have you seen how he is, here? Tell your friend not to waste his time and look for another lyricist. There must be people who can write as well as him.” There must be, Jaebum is not the only genius in town.

Bambam shakes his head. “I think you could help us. Please?” His puppy eyes are working way too much for your taste and you don’t like it when you agree, feeling trapped into a plan that is doomed to fail.

Bambam grins so wide you can count his teeth one by one. “Thanks, boss. Youngjae will be so happy.”

“Tell him not to expect too much, honestly.”

You start working 30 minutes later and finish 4 hours later. You both came up with nothing new and you decide not to insist. You knew from the moment you woke up that you would be even more useless today. Bambam grabs his stuff and thank you again for your cooperation. You scratch your head, ready to go back to bed but Jaebum’s body is out, and heading to the bathroom.

You close your eyes, in awe. It’s like a drug you need. It gives power and motivation, but also dissatisfaction.

You decide to go to the kitchen, instead. Knowing Jaebum, he must be in need of food and pretty much very hungry at this hour. You don’t know why you start preparing food for him, and you decide to blame his scent, because it’s the only explanation to your kindness.

He goes out shortly after, sniffing the delicious smell of food and you wonder if it works on him like his own scent works on you.

“Hey,” he says, eyes puffy. His clothes are huge on his body, and it gives him cool vibes. He sits by the table and yawns.

“Want some food?” You ask, your back facing him while you’re already putting stuff into a big plate. You know he is going to say yes. He would never say no to sausages.

“You made some for me?” He is surprised. You hear a sound and the next thing you know, he is right behind you. You close your eyes because his shower gel adds to the spell he put on you.

He sees you nod and smiles. He is happy. “Thanks.”

You walk away, grabbing another glass of orange juice. You can’t talk now, but you still need to help this poor singer who wants to entrust his career to this weird guy.

“Bambam came this morning and he said-”

“I know what you’re about to say, but I won’t work with this guy.” Jaebum stops you before you can even try. How did he know?

He rolls his eyes, already stuffing his mouth and it’s difficult to understand what he says at some point “Bambam knows Choi Youngjae, Bambam is your assistant and we are ‘roommates’, so obviously he is going to ask for your help.”

“What a perceptive man.” You mock him but to your surprise, he laughs. It seems he likes it when you become daring.

“I know, right? I have a sharp nose for these things, no bad pun intended.” He munches like it’s his last meal on earth, not the least annoyed by your poor attempt at making him change his mind.

“You could still work on the song you showed me. I mean, with him.” It sounds simple. Jaebum has a song ready, and Choi Youngjae needs one, so why not work on it?

“It’s not that easy. You can’t offer a song like you give a perfume to someone.” He says and regrets it instantly.

“You should really stop talking about me like I’m doing shit.” You get angry. It’s the second time he talks to you like you’re nothing. Like your job is pointless.

“No, I mean- Shit. Sorry.” It’s surprising to see him apologize but you won’t give in. His smell is awesome, but his behaviour is the total opposite.

“I’m really doing my best. You’re the one who agreed to come to the party, and you’re the one who made me stay with you when you had to deal with this singer. I’m only trying to help.” Your voice is filled with frustration. You’re frustrated because of his behaviour, the way he deals with things and most importantly, the way he acts like life is over every time someone mentions music-making.

“I didn’t ask for your help, if you remember.” His fork is long forgotten on the table, but his voice is steady, too calm for what he is about to say. “You dragged me here instead of letting me deal with things. You’re the one who involved yourself into my business, and I don’t even know why honestly, so don’t complain when I imply that I don’t need you.”

“So why are you still here?” You know what he is about to answer, it’s logical.

“I don’t know, you tell me. If not because of you, I would be long gone, out of this bullshit. But I’m here, trying to write the shitty things I come up with in my mind. If my behaviour is too much for you to handle, I guess I can take myself out.” He reacts fast and gets up, already walking to his room and you know he is about to grab his stuff and leave. Even the tiny wind following his walking body smells like heaven but you don’t stop him. Maybe it’s for the best, maybe this whole situation isn’t meant to continue.

He is gone less than an hour later, and when he closes the door with a soft noise, you want to cry. You don’t miss him, but the smell is slowly going away and it’s ripping your insides because it was giving you fuel to continue, and now you have nothing.

You will never be able to feel this again.

“I’m taking a couple of days off.” You tell Bambam over the phone the next day. It’s a fine morning. The weather is great, you slept well, you’re about to grab lunch but your mind screams for help. You take your keys and hear Bambam ask if you’re okay.

Of course you’re okay. Your flat smells like shit, but you’re totally fine.

“I’m okay, just not feeling well. Tell the boss I’m sick.” You hang up when Bambam tells you to take care of yourself and close the door behind you. What a day to feel like crap.

The day is boring, it means nothing and it is so unlike you to feel so down. You’re not a cheerful person, this you know, but to the point of finding everything tasteless? It never happened. Jaebum won’t leave your mind and you find yourself wondering if he finally did what he wanted to do. You walk slowly whenever you see a bridge. It makes you look anxiously, hoping he didn’t do it.

You spend the rest of the day thinking about what you’re going to do. You can’t possibly create this perfume anymore, not when you have no idea where you’re going. Maybe you should let Bambam do the job and pray for it to work. He is good, he can do it.

You get a call from Choi Youngjae who pleads you to convince Jaebum and you can’t tell him he is long gone god knows where so you assure him you’ll do your best. You hate lying, but somehow you can’t crush him. 

It stays that way for three days. Three days of wandering the streets and sleeping until your eyes get puffy and red. Three days of long grunts and sighs. Three days of trying to persuade yourself that you don’t need him, that he was a mistake that stained your already messy mind. 

You decide Jaebum means nothing, his smell is just an illusion and you don’t need it to live. You’re strong, independent, you need no jerk to function. You convince yourself at some point, ignoring your subconscious who laughs at you for lying to yourself so blatantly.

Bambam comes back when you tell him you can start working again. You’re back on hard-working mode, sniffing bottles after bottles and talking to Bambam like you’re a new person. He is surprised by your sudden motivation, and when he doesn’t hear about Im Jaebum and doesn’t seem him, he prefers not to ask.

He is obnoxious, but not stupid. He knows your leave wasn’t for the sole purpose of healing.

“What do you think about Bergamot?” You try. It’s better than everything you mixed so far, and it’s not the best, but it’s good enough for now.

Bambam approves, opening another tiny bottle. “Oriental Leather.” he smells it and starts coughing violently.

You take it away from his hands before it can fall. It’s too precious to go to waste. “Let me see. Maybe...12 percent?” You used it only once, and it was for a very specific perfume. Back then you didn’t like how it smelled, but maybe it could go well with your current base note.

“Oriental leather is strong, even stronger than musk and maybe, maybe we’re about to make something good.” Your eyes shine when you start working on the proportion, hands as busy as your mind. Bambam watches intently, even taking notes from time to time. He will never get enough of your knowledge; he feels so lucky.

The result is great; you can feel it. Bambam loves it and it’s suddenly jackpot.

But when you’re about to take a much-needed break, a soft knock on your door makes you rush to answer. Apprehension fills you from the deepest it can reach as you open the door, breath long gone. It’s not Jaebum. It’s a stranger. You feel stupid for being so eager to smell him again and you decide to ignore the disappointed feeling into your stomach.

“Are you Y/N?” He is elegant, all suits and hair neat. His eyes are a not so typical shade of dark brown, and they shine so bright it feels like a human doll is standing in all its glory right in front of you.

“Yes...? And you might be?” You ask back. Bambam arrives behind you when he doesn’t hear any sounds coming from the door.

“I’m Park Jinyoung, I’m here to see Jaebum. He told me you’re both roommates, but he hasn’t been answering his phone for the past days so I decided to come.” He gives you a smile which fades when you answer, voice barely above a whisper.

“He moved out three days ago.”

---

You’re panicking. This Jinyoung guy looks angry and you can’t understand how he can stay so calm when Jaebum completely disappeared.

He takes out his phone when it rings. “Yes, father. I had to meet with Jaebum. No, I won’t be late.” He turns to your questioning gaze, “Work.” He smiles before looking around the place, waiting for you to speak.

“So this is where he stayed. It’s a huge flat. Are you rich?” he asks and you can’t believe it.

“No, I’m not. Do you have any idea of where he could be?” You ask. You need to know if he is safe. He can’t be dead, can he? No it’s impossible, he has all the talent in the world, he smells great, it can’t go to waste.

“No. Not at all. Jaebum often disappears and comes back like it’s nothing. I’m sorry for coming without further notice.” He is about to go like nothing dramatic is happening.

“But, you’re not going to look for him?” It’s crazy. You hear thunder outside, and understand it’s starting to rain heavily. You see flashes of Jaebum crying under the rain before jumping off a bridge, or even a roof, or anything that would hurt him.

But Jinyoung laughs, and his eyes go back to playful when they were annoyed a minute ago. “No, I won’t. I told you he often does that. He will come back soon.” Your first thought is to slap him because, come on, his friend is suicidal and he doesn’t move? But you don’t say a word, you don’t move, you don’t even show how worried you are.

Maybe he doesn’t even know Jaebum wants to end his life.

Knowing the guy, he obviously omitted to inform his friend about his dreadful intentions. It’s not a surprise then, to see his friend so relaxed, like Jaebum went on a soothing week-end in the countryside.

The latter walks past you and you get hit by the smell of pepper and musk. It fits his fierce feature. “I’ll be going then. Sorry again for intruding.” He notes how concentrated you are, deep in thoughts like you’re trying to find the answer to a complex puzzle.

You simply nod, and Bambam leads the man to the main-door, not noticing the way Jinyoung looks at him like he just came out of a very tacky movie. Your foot taps the floor restlessly and it’s a miracle you didn’t rush to look for him yet.

He wouldn’t even care anyway.

“Are you okay?” You assistant has warm eyes and your worry reflects upon his face. You try to smile back to keep your façade but inside it’s twisting. Your insides are a mess.

“Yes. Let’s stop here for today okay? It’s starting to rain; you should head back home.” You care about your assistant, you really do, but you can’t talk to him about it. If Jaebum didn’t even mention to his closest friend, then Bambam can’t be included into this. No matter how friendly and concerned he looks, he can’t be dragged into this huge mess you created yourself because of a stupid smell.

A stupid and addictive smell.

“Yes. Right.” Bambam looks away, somewhat hurt that you wouldn’t share what’s on your mind and grabs his jacket from your office’s chair. He comes back and his long fingerS suddenly tap your shoulder.

“It’s going to be okay.” You’re not surprised to hear his words. Bambam is perceptive and way too social not to understand that you and Jaebum are not complete strangers to each other. He doesn’t know about the scent, but he can see that there is something that makes you go to him.

He doesn’t ask and prefers to stay silent. He is here for work, but you’re always so lonely and have no confidence that it makes him want to scream. To him, you’re amazing and he wishes nothing more than have a tiny bit of your talent to exist. He sighs and turns around, legs tightly wrapped into torn jeans and disappears with soft motions. You look outside when a bolt of lightning illuminates the whole living-room and wonder if Jaebum is safe. You hate feeling this way. You’re even more pitiful now.

It’s hard to sleep that night. You blame it on your lack of exercise. Your body isn’t drenched enough to feel tired, so you turn around again and again, legs blocked into pale blue sheets and hair messy, spread on your cushion like a fighting octopus. You stereotypically look at the ceiling from time to time, picturING images of you creating something beautiful mixed with the familiar and dazzling scent of Jaebum. You wish nothing more than for it to stop, but you can’t decide for yourself and your soul leads the way, ordering you to be miserable and in need of his being to be able to be rational again.

You hear noises and blame it on the heavy rain clapping against your windows along with thunder. It’s tapping softly and adding to your anxiety, following your heart rate in an off-putting manner. You ignore it, scolding yourself and aware that you’re not going to be productive when Bambam will arrive next morning.

But the tapping comes back shortly after and you get off your bed. You grab your abandoned robe and wrap it around your exhausted envelope, rolling your eyes at your own paranoia. So what now, someone is going to rob your place? You decide to check the windows because maybe it’s only a matter of wind hitting the glass. You hope it is. You check all the rooms and when you don’t hear it anymore, you rush to bed again. There’S only a little time left before you’re supposed to be up and you can’t waste it on idiocy.

But on your way to your room you jump, hand over your mouth to silence your horrified cry. Your chest is about to explode and you got so scared you’re trembling. You freeze and blink when the shadow you spotted in the tiny lobby doesn’t move, against the wall. Your hand silently reaches for the wall and you turn on the light when you finally get a grasp of the situation. So this is what it is.

Jaebum is on the floor, drenched and looking exhausted.

And you can breathe again.

[luisneer]

selected tweets 2016-17

These are tweets from my first @luisneer twitter account. Recently I made a new twitter account with the same username, after having deleted my account and having been without twitter for several months. These tweets are from August 2016 to March 2017, which was most of my first year of college at Shepherd University, in Shepherdstown, West Virginia. I don't go to Shepherd anymore; I transferred to West Virginia University, in Morgantown, WV, after my second semester. My tweets from late March 2017 to [July or August] 2017, when I deleted my twitter, were not archived. 

I'm creating this blog post so the world will have access to some of my tweets from the deleted @luisneer, in case they have any merit as literature. I'm still not sure if I will continue to use twitter in 2018/the future. Usually when I use twitter I feel like I'm actually wanting to be doing something else, but I don't know what; or wanting to be using "another app" that doesn't exist. Twitter generally seems bad for me. Questions about my tweets August 2016-March 2017 can be directed at luisneer@gmail.com. Thank you

    2016

   morgantown has ~48 vape shops

 **morgantown has ~480 vape shops

 siri has werner herzog-like inflections

 considering changing outfits when i take several walks in one day (so nobody thinks im a serial killer, stalker, spy, alien)

 think i remember ~5% of things i said today

 imagined vague connection btwn 'vitamin d' and 'reptar'

 felt distinctly that i was a monkey or chimpanzee while crouching in the corner of my dorm room eating peanuts out of a jar

 just thought (as a request to my mom) 'fax me my skateboard...'

 looked at toilet in bathroom stall with expression of 'utter terror' for what felt like ~15 seconds while it flushed

 listening to bright eyes with headphones at house show

 feel that the toothpaste i use is advancing decay of my teeth

 feel 100% certain that i could train myself to use telepathy to operate my phone during classes

 enjoying the sensation of my right leg 'falling asleep' during psychology class (left foot is also 'asleep')

 felt 'sociopathic' after eye contact w library worker who watched me pick up & pocket a pair of apple headphones someone had left on a chair

 left stolen apple headphones on gray bench across the street from my dorm

 repeatedly placed/removed sunglasses while walking in hallway

 strong desire to remove all positive patterns from my life and perpetuate/embrace all negative ones

 feel that my laptop 'knows' which parts of its screen im looking at

 in winchester, VA

 thought of my own music as having 'no compelling audible elements'

 thought of myself as being legally named 'the fuck up', then couldnt remember my actual name

 successfully, i feel, duplicated 'sociopath facial expression' during eye contact with arch-nemesis in stairwell

 ive taken 13800mg ibuprofen since i got to college

 feel compelled to ask my 9 yr old brother for advice re 'college-level' personal issues

 feel smart after sitting on couch in painting studio + reading art magazines for 2 hours

 persistent notion that 100% of students at my college personally hate me

 psychology professor muttered something like 'scary snake... endocrine system...'

 feeling heavily drugged/sedated in psych class

 psych professor seems obsessed with/terrified by snakes

 imagined kanye smoking crystal meth and tweeting something like 'please help me... cant feel mouth... need help'

 saw a moth at open mic, thought about god

 experiencing difficulty trying to smile

 enjoying using numerous cliches ('the case is closed', 'taking a step back', 'harsh realities') in an essay

 intrigued by conversation i had 9 hrs ago w/ 2 boys who countered my tone (calm, eloquent) exactly by being loud and rude in a friendly way

 felt simultaneously really cute and really lonely while giggling with my mouth closed in french class

 imagined kanye inventing the word 'compactualize' and using it in a sentence during a televised interview

 enjoyed 8-sentence john updike bio in norton lit anthology

 perceived person standing outside bathroom stall occupied by me could 'sense', via something like echolocation, that i was/am depressed

 spoke to french professor in what felt like a distinct persona/alternate luis neer called 'marge simpson voice' luis neer

 feel confidently that the public debut of 'marge simpson voice' luis neer was a success

 feel that 'marge simpson voice' luis neer is the culmination of an unconscious process that initiated in my mind maybe 3-5 years ago

 i want to identify/analyze additional alternate luis neers

 i dont like videos

 i came to college and got weirder, better at writing, more arrogant, more defeated, more sensible

 simultaneously feel that i should run 3 miles and that, at this moment, i would be incapable of running any distance

 feel urged to draw new attention to my 'marge simpson voice' tweets

 huge power outage at shepherd lol

 realized theres no such thing as a 'nation'

 remembered ive blown off obligations to several people, not just one person, so my irresponsibility doesnt 'have a focus', felt comforted

 feel that my follower count is 'crystallized' / will never increase or decrease ever again

 struggled to convert 'stick-and-poke' to past tense during conversation in line at sheetz

 feel it would be pleasurable to take a donut + bottle of coca-cola from this sheetz via armed robbery

 crossed busy road, felt really surprised i didnt get hit by a car, also i wasnt wearing glasses, was walking to sheetz, bought an icee

 laughed alone in my dorm thinking that i should print out a picture of barack obama to put on my wall

 drank from separate glasses containing soymilk, coffee, iced coffee, apple juice, cranberry juice, water, sprite for dinner/breakfas

 just thought 'from adorno to zizek' sans context while shitting

 opened gmail, emailed my father, closed gmail, opened gmail again, viewed email to my father, forwarded it to myself

 'camcorder' would be a good band name

 i thought arnold palmer had already died

 willem dafoe doesnt make me uncomfortable

 i want to stop being mean

 i hate bfs but i want to be someones bf

 wishing i was in a car with friends and no cellular service

 tangled up in myself and others

 twin peaks is depicted as a small town but its population is greater than that of every city in west virginia including the state capital

 eating shark

 thought of my own intelligence as 'frightening'

 thought while walking to class that ginger ale should be made public domain

 had the stitches on my chin removed today, touched the scar tissue for the first time

 i miss being in therapy

 i love carpet

 i love carpet !!

 just thought about my own tweets and lol'd

 mood lately very fragile

 this is what i get for staying up til 5 am

 all night i've felt a wave of dread swelling up, now it's really hitting me

 sound of laughter in public still frightening + unnerving

 my instinct for when to unfriend people on facebook has adapted so that i unfriend people over statuses that make me feel no emotions at all

 fuck, im feeling so much terror

 gucci mane was born 3 days before conor oberst

 the other day i mentioned that i was a poet and this vape guy interrupted me to say "and you didnt know it" and i went fucking nuclear

 interacted with mailman who was picking up mail as i was trying to mail chapbooks, he didnt notice at first that i was talking to him

 what if old people have secrets

 my dad is making me root for a football team but im in pain emotionally

 i feel guilty in general

 thought of my poem "portrait of a nation without any people" as the "lead single" for my full length; it appeared in potluck 14 months ago

 im close friends with satan rn

 feel like travis scott never intended for people to spell his name with a $

 from now on every time i get honey on something ill list the thing in this thread

 finger

 desk

 coffee cup exterior

 pajama pants

 knee

 carpet

 chin

 phone

 shirt

 shoe

 thought that my elderly geography prof. moves by "shuffling"

 feeling shorter, broader

 the only part of the new bright eyes box set i want is the booklet

 is there a booklet? i know there are nvr b4 sn photos

 the song "lime tree" came to conor oberst in a dream

 i like citing things in MLA

 i write essays by pretending im werner herzog

 doesnt seem to be getting later

 lit professor gave my project (sequence of 6 sonnets) a C, i wish she would have gotten me expelled, shelley + ginsberg both were expelled

 heard someone in another room ask "where's wal-mart?" as if wal-mart were a person whose location could change

 i think i just swallowed a filling while eating popcorn, i am very scared, please help

 crazy how things get worse

 there are people on my floor having tons of fun and im upset

 bit my mattress while sitting in the chair next to my bed

 weird that chance the rapper only has 2.4 million followers when he's sort of one of the most famous artists in the world rn

 also weird that donald trump has made 34,000 tweets, seems like an incredibly large number

 the strangeness of yesterday was, for me, augmented by people on the internet talking about a tv show that ive never seen or heard about

 the sunlight is obscene

 im so upset about the sun being so bright im afraid to go outside

 im glad im the only poet who likes trailer park boys

 i slept in a blanket fort under my bed and havent left it all day

 yr = your ur = you're

 my favorite things are pdfs

 now that ive adapted my living space to allow me to never leave my blanket fort i feel like my roommate, omar, exists in a parallel universe

 i hear him but i never see him

 i love latte art, i drink many lattes

 thought that twitter "isn't worth it" in an upset tone while drinking mtn dew

 felt pleasant considering uniqueness of all parent-offspring relationships

 went through my closet + made sure all shirts and jackets were zipped/buttoned

 my blanket is generating flashes of light from static electricity

 record store guy became visibly sick of me several months ago; feel a little guilty every time i enter his store to spend money

 i prefer EPs

 felt "out of control" walking downhill listening to dead kennedys with headphones

 writing an essay is difficult because idk how much relevant information other people have already considered / moved on from

 have been wanting to write at least one poem inside my blanket fort but i don't think it's going to happen, i don't know why

 the internet isn't big enough

 usually when i think "i dont understand the uproar about [event]" i realize there is no "uproar"

 "uproar" is media's way of manipulating the public spotlight and distracting people from important tasks

 feeling helpless + melancholy after dying 15 times and killing 2 stormtroopers in star wars battlefront

 the only way to attain conor oberst-level emo hair is to lay in bed and sob for hours

 i'm sad

 my mom was confused when i told her my first book comes out today

 was luis neer in odd future

 thought "sometimes i just want to end it and start all over" in an exasperated tone re my goodreads account

 becoming increasingly convinced it would be best for me personally to take myself extremely seriously/never joke about myself

 thinking that my tweets would seem terrible if i were a senator/governor/other politician

 imagined doomsday device for future @starwars movies: the "death train," a normal train that exists in space and destroys planets

 how does anyone do it

 in science fiction movies, spacecraft usually look like shopping malls

 everyone in the world is high except me

 feel like i want to have poems published immediately

 having delusions of grandeur

 im sitting on my record player

 my most-used word in 2016 was "bleak"

 prepared and ate garbanzo beans w a lot of rosemart at 2:00 AM

 my brother has a friend over and is being mean to the friend

 all i want for christmas is to never cheer up, ever

 watching eyes wide shut and hugging duckuc

 my nose feels like it's going to bleed

 im sad because every bf looks like me

 getting better at eating ice cream by punching it with my tongue

 the internet is too freaky...

 i think 2017 will be a year of realizing things

 im watching the angry birds movie

 the angry birds movie is so shitty... why was it made...

 ive never had a new years kiss

   2017

   im weird

 eating medicinal ice cream

 im not going to do any drugs in 2017

 made a medicinal phone call

 i want to drink some blood

 i dreamed that roger ebert wrote a negative review of life after ppl and called it "liner notes"

 years dont kill people

 feel inexplicably/explicably really scared about the future of my poetry career

 i've felt stoned since i was a baby

 downloading google earth

 made eye contact in starbucks with possible luis neer incarnation from ~50 years in future; bon jovi "dead or alive" played through speakers

 realised that at some point in the future i will become extremely interested in watching football

 i recommend reading poems extremely slowly while touching the text with your middle finger/index finger

 experiencing cognitive dissonance

 used phonetic clues to correctly predict meaning of & use the word "tandem" while discoursing with myself internally

 i miss steel pedal guitar sounds on conor oberst songs

 my previous incarnation "college luis neer" has evolved to become "high school luis neer-like luis neer in college setting"

 thought "man, i got to stop caring what people think about me" in an emphatic tone that seemed confusing/interesting

 mediocore

 beyonce is cool i think

 i want to re-read "v for vendetta" and to not tweet about it

 remembered that i own a pinata

 i will be at awp

 how could i make twitter a better place

 i saw 4 people wearing yeezys in dc this weekend

 feeling increasingly self-conscious about how much i use the phrase "in the world" or refer to "the world" in poems

 felt robot-like while attaching detachable headphones cord to my headphones while wearing the headphones

 watching shepherd univ lacrosse team practice from "safety of" student center

 i invented releasing two chapbooks in one day

 im dumber than me

 reasoned mentally that im more likely to produce accurate drawings of myself because "i basically look like a bird, so i just draw a bird"

 i want to have a "fake tweet" (e.g. a simple phrase) to tweet repeatedly every time i feel urged to tweet an uninformed/unimportant opinion

 my fake tweet for the foreseeable future will be "i dropped my textbook in the stairwell". when i tweet this it means i have an opinion

 i dropped my textbook in the stairwell

 does anyone remember the chapter of "the hobbit" where bilbo avoids starvation by ingesting peanut butter, honey, cherry nyquil, and water

 sensed that all my college friends just simultaneously shifted from having vague/non-serious negative feelings about me to hating me

 resulting from continuous building of irrepressible/inevitable conjecture in the friends' conscious thoughts

 eating chicken and squash

 i click on 100% of poetry links tweeted by poets i follow

 when i was writing Waves i was obsessed with waves (e.g. energy waves, frequencies) and used the word "waves" at least ~10 times every day

 i dropped my textbook in the stairwell

 white nike swooshes on shoes of boy in library look vibrant/magical

 terrified of being cool

 walked to library really slowly while listening to noise music through big headphones

 i was really, really yung when i started publishing and i'm still really yung

 2 chainz always looks like he's walking in an airport

 i have 5 twitters

 i didnt know what bill paxton looked like, i was thinking RIP gene hackman

 why doesnt anyone blog about me

 thesis statements arent real

 thinking about my book

 i deleted both my tumblrs by accident

 sad about my tumblr

 my name is all over the internet

 im a lizard

 someday there'll be no more ppl

 a lot of conor oberst song titles have parentheses

 feeling sad about the actions of my clone, who passed away

 idk how to use venmo or what it is

 present-day tumblr is like the end of the never ending story where atreyu is talking with the rock biter and the nothing is swirling around

 when someone, anyone, is upset with me im afraid im going to be assassinated

 the views-era apple music ads that depict drake working hard in the studio have really affected and inspired me

 on tumblr i have 4 followers

 almost all of my tweets seem unimportant

 feel that if someone told me that one of my tweets made them upset i would just apologize and delete it

 ground control to commander venus

 i like my new tumblr

 i would be wearing a cardigan rn but i dont have one

 feel that i will continue to generate bright eyes-related content throughout my life

 is everything ok

 i look like michael moore

[parkjmini]

Precarious // 7

mafia!bts: park jimin precarious: adj. dangerously insecure or unstable Psychotic, that’s how he viewed himself. He was a precise hitman who never made a mistake, until now. Set on an all kill mission, he brings back more than just blood stains. word count: 2183 warnings: explicit language, fluff? maybe?? 

[ 1 ] [ 2 ] [ 3 ] [ 4 ] [ 5 ] [ 6 ] 7 [ 8 ]

summer is here now so i hope i will be able to update more frequently ((: pls let me know if i should add smut to this story bc im torn ive never written it b4 but it could fit well in some parts ??!!

The many floors disappeared under your feet. The elevator shooting up smoothly. The glass was clear all around you. Tiny people scattered below and became out of sight. The elevator was rather frightening because it was window all over, even under your shoes.

It stopped and a ding noise caught your attention. Jimin was on his phone the entire time, scrolling through emails and text messages. Several business men stepped inside, carrying briefcases and neck ties secured at their collars. Another stop followed with another ding. The elevator was slowly becoming crowded. 

The men eyed you with a mischievous glisten. An uncomfortable chill ran down your spine and you followed their many eyes to your slightly exposed chest. The dress was cut low, but Jimin said he really liked you in it. 

Peering over, Jimin was still glued to his cell. He felt your pleading stare and he looked up. His eyebrows knitted together at your expression of help and slyly checked the other expressions of the business men. 

Rolling his eyes, he scooted over in front of you and blocked the view of anyone else. His chest was pressed up against yours. Your eyes drinking up his own. His scent wrapped around you. His arm was placed at the side of your head, the other holding his phone so he can continue his previous business.

It was the first time you’ve been so close to him. Even sleeping, you two kept a good distance away from another. This position though, there was no personal space. You were so close that you felt his soft pulse of his heart; you could see every pore on his porcelain face. 

Your back was pressed up against the glass window to make room for Jimin to squeeze in front of you. As he was distracted by his device, you rested your head in the crook of his neck. His cologne filled your nose, musky and cool. He tensed up and turned his head to gazed upon your sudden affection.

He gulped and looked away. He shoved his phone into his back pocket and drew you closer, which you didn’t think was even possible. His hand held you by your arm and his cheek pressed against the top of your head.

You two stood like that for a few more floors and you contemplated about what your new life has become, how you ended up in Jimin’s arms.

“When you said you were going to take me somewhere, I didn’t know you meant you were going to take me out to lunch.” You whispered across the fancy dining table that was draped with a beautiful pearl tablecloth.

He smiled and you pretend that it didn’t shock you. His grin was stunning; the right amount of elegance and charm traced his curve. “Why are we whispering?” He leaned forward as well to answer you, his voice never above a hush.

The restaurant was at the very top floor with massive windows instead of walls. The other diners wore lavish dresses and nice suits. You sat with Jimin in a white sundress and him in a casual hoodie and black ripped jeans. It was relatively quiet, the only noise being the jazz music that played softly in the background.

“Are you sure we won’t get kicked out for under dressing?” You glanced around as a waiter approached your table. 

“I don’t think they’d dare to.” Jimin relaxed into the red cushioned chair. The waiter unraveled your silver utensils from their cloths and carefully arranged them next to the plate.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Park. How may I be at your service?” He bowed and you couldn’t hide your amusement. Jimin smirked and folded his hands in his lap.

“The usual and strawberry champagne in the cooler.” The waited nodded and hurried away.

“Well if I knew it was going to turn out like that, I wouldn’t have regretted wearing this dress.” You groaned.

“Aren’t you use to this though? This kind of treatment shouldn’t be new for you.” Jimin shaded and you glared at him before answering.

“Yeah, but my parents always made us dress up despite the occasion. They said that we would get kicked out if we showed up in casual wear. Also, I’ve been stuck in your mansion for the past month that, I guess, I’ve forgotten how it feels to be treated like a high class individual.” You shot back and the only reaction he gave was a yawn.

“But it’s still nothing new. This doesn’t stray far from your previous life.” 

“It’s a little different. I’m sure my family wasn’t as A-list as you guys are.” 

“We’re only A-listers because they know we won’t hesitate to kill them. They’re scared of us.” Jimin kept his voice low and his eyes hooded.

“I’d be scared of you too if I knew the crimes your gang commits.” You said before the waiter came back with a bottle of champagne. He poured it into your tall wine glasses and you could swear you saw the same sparkling bubbles in Jimin’s dark eyes. The bottle of stars reflected against his, thirsty to devour. The universe swimming in the pool of dark brown. It made you forget how hard he shaded you. 

“Strawberry, what a funny choice of flavor.” You sipped the liquid, a strong fruity taste hit your palette and the sweetness covering every inch of your mouth.

“You did say you like fruity drinks.” He remembered from last night. You hid your growing smile behind your fist, afraid that he’d see how happy he just made you. 

Throughout lunch, Jimin couldn’t help, but fidget underneath the table. His sweaty palms twitched at the sight of a loose strand of hair or when your hand was across the table. He craved to touch you again, to be so close he could hardly breath anything else, but your slight fragrance. 

He’d wish days like these would last forever. Jimin could spend hours listening to you speak. He wouldn’t mind staying with you for an eternity, if only you would ask him to. Being in your company relaxed him more than any method of meditation that Namjoon made him practice. 

Your smile, the lovely expression that he hoped to never leave your face. How stunning you looked with creases around your eyes and lines drawn on your cheeks. Thinking about you only fed the flame because it only made him want to be with you. Touching you was a whole different story. 

Feeling your pulse and soft skin under his palms thrilled him uncontrollably. His dopamine levels surpassed the standard high. It was almost unbearable, but how he only wanted more of it. Holding you felt better than killing and that was a feeling he thought nothing would ever top. He often wondered how he would feel if he kissed you. However, those thoughts didn’t last long because it scared him. If he already felt so good by your simple touch, kissing you would make him explode. He wouldn’t be able to control himself. 

After lunch, Jimin drove for hours up a mountain to arrive at a meadow. The clouds were scattered and resembled white streaks in a blue background. A warm breeze ran against your unclothed arms and carried your hair with it. There was nothing, but tall grass and flowers. Hills rose and fell at the horizon. The empty space that surrounded you stretched so far. Civilization was nowhere. Just you, Jimin, and an open area to yourselves.

“What is this place?” You took off your shoes and dangled them from your fingers. You stepped off the rocky road, and onto the soft dancing field. Jimin observed how you twirled in your enticing dress and giggled with complete joy — the happiest he’s ever seen you. So entirely free and let go. So enchanted by nature and wonder.  

“My… well, now, our secret place.” Jimin correct himself shyly and joined you. He allowed the wind to cast him toward you. You lent out your hand for him to take it and with a small hesitation, he took it. Pulling him forward, you guiding him in a simple two-step spin. 

“How did you find it?” You managed to ask in the midst of laughs.

“I drive around a lot to find a perfect place to do meditation.” 

You stopped and jumped. “You meditate?!” Your voice echoed into the vast land that captured you two.

He nodded and you proceeded to plead, “please teach me.”

Jimin walked you deeper into the meadow, to the point where even his car and the road were out of sight. You sat down, criss-crossed, on a random spot on the ground. Jimin followed, sitting directly across from you, and you mimicked what he did with his hands.

“Now, you just close your eyes. Deep breaths and focus on the noises around you.” Your eyes were closed and Jimin saw how your eyebrows creased, concentrating hard on the sounds. 

After a few quiet seconds, you burst into laughter, no longer able to keep the serious facade. Jimin’s laughter mixed in splendidly with your own. 

You opened your eyes and looked behind him, “this is quite a marvelous view.” But even though you thought the view was pretty, Jimin thought you were prettier. 

The two of you must have been there for a really long time. You had watched the sun go down and the baby blue was washed out with a darker, navy sky. The clouds turned into specks of glimmer, reminding you of the champagne you had earlier. 

Jimin laid down next to you, his eyes glued to the galaxies above. The wind flew away and now, you were left with a warm stillness.

“You were right. I do like it here.” You whispered. 

“You’re very predictable.” He answered back. Turning over, you glared at him.

“Oh, am I?” You enticed and Jimin didn’t even bother to acknowledge your new position. He nodded, his head ruffling the grass. 

You had no idea what had come over you, but you kissed him. At first, it was merely to prove a point. But then, Jimin’s hands traveled to your face and you didn’t want him to let go. You didn’t want him to pull away. 

There was a rapid escalation, something that neither one of you could handle. Jimin became passionate and slightly opened his mouth to take you in. He moved, still connected, to be over you. Your back fell to the grass and Jimin held onto your waist. 

A loud ring broke the heated trance, but Jimin didn’t budge. He continued to kiss you, gripping onto every part of your body that he could hold onto. You pulled his collar closer, afraid that he would suddenly stop. Neither one of you cared about the other person on the line, who was urgently trying to come in contact with Jimin.

It was only until whoever it was kept calling and his phone kept going off. “J-Jimin.” You pushed at his shoulders. He groaned aggressively and pulled away. He hovered over you still, just staring down at you. 

You probably looked like a big mess, both of you were breathing so heavily. Your heart rate slowed down from the intense intimate scene. The ringing continued and Jimin, obviously angered and annoyed, pulled out his phone from his pocket. You kissed him one last time for safe measures. He blinked at your expressionless face and leaned back down to peck you again.

His thumb slyly slid the answer button as his lips danced upon yours once more. “Where the fuck are you?!” Namjoon’s voice was low and menacing, causing you two to break the kiss.

“Meditating.” Jimin paused and waited for his boss’ response.

“Get your ass back here. We got business to handle.” With that, the call ended. Jimin’s head fell into his palms and a heavy sigh fell from his swollen lips.

“I’m sorry, we have to go.” Jimin spoke after a few seconds.

“It’s fine. I had a great time today.” You patted his exposed knee and played with the loose thread from his ripped jeans.

“Really?” He analyzed your face, trying to catch any lies that you might have been hiding. 

You embraced him in your short arms and snuggled your tired face in his fleece hoodie. His hot hands held your back and he kissed the top of your head sweetly. “How many times do I have to say it for you to believe me?”

“Three more times.” Jimin smirked, a new and exhilarating sight. 

You clicked your tongue against the roof of your mouth before repeating your previous line three more times, “I had a great time today.”

The pesky notification noise went off again and Jimin checked his device. You peered over and saw the message before he turned off the screen.

“You better be back within the next 10 minutes.” 

Jimin pulled you up by your hand and sprinted to his car. A small sweat droplet lined his brow and you could tell how genuinely terrified he was of Namjoon. 

[wellamarke]

Hey Joni :) Long time no speak, but wanted to see if you had any advice. I'm thinking about owning a stick insect, do you have any suggestions? such as, should I get more than one or are they happy being on their own? Do you use a heat mat under their tank to keep it warm? (also as Im planning to total own giant snails and giant leaf insects if I can in the near future but thats a step up! - are giant snails quite easy to look after?) x

[2/2]Hey Joni, You know that ask about stick insects and giant african snails I sent you a little while ago, can I add in a question? Ive read that snails carry salmonella bacteria like reptiles, does this make it difficult to keep them? I’m a bit of a germaphobe so salmonella makes me a little nervous but I’m absolutely in love with giant snails! Thank you!

Hellooooo! Sorry it’s taken so long for this to materialise. This is my third attempt at writing this, since my phone decided to eat it twice. Apparently I’m cursed. But now I’m here in a different app, praying that I’m not about to write an essay for nothing….

I thought I would post the reply publically so that anyone else who finds themselves interested in stick insects or snails can read it too. It might end up serving as a little FAQ section if my bug-keeping ways ever become known enough to be asked about frequently, heh heh heh.

So, here goes. Take three.

Stick Insect Suggestions

Plurality In terms of what they actually prefer - I’m not sure they mind much. I’ve kept them in pairs, triples, groups and - in the case of the recently departed Douglas - singles, and they seem to go about their Insecty business much the same, unencumbered by feelings of loneliness or rivalry. So I suppose it’s up to your preference how many you keep! Here are a couple of factors to consider, though:Babies sometimes die inexplicably. Well, perhaps to a doctor of stick insect ailments it wouldn’t be inexplicable… but through no fault of the owner, some nymphs don’t shed their skins properly, or fall from their tank roofs and damage themselves, and there’s not much you can do about it. So it seems best to start off with a handful of insects to ensure that you get at least one or two who survive into adulthood. (I still don’t know what happened to Carolyn, one of my original five. She developed a strange dent in her back that made her look as though she’d been snapped in half, but other than that seemed fine until it was time to shed her skin, which she couldn’t do. Babies are fragile, I guess. Once full grown they’re much less prone to random dying.) Ease of cleaning out. Once Douglas was alone it was soooo much easier to change over his leaves, because there was only one of him to keep an eye on why I did so. Cleaning out a tank while six of them are crawling all over the place requires a lot more presence of mind, obviously! Usually with just Doug I waited until he was in a convenient position where I didn’t have to disturb him too much, like on the roof or in one of the corners. If he was on the roof it was perfect because I could dump all the old leaves and swill out the whole tank. If he was in a corner I could at least wipe it. I tried not to bother him too much in his old age, otherwise I suppose I could have just moved him where I wanted him. This, too, would have been easier to do with just him to worry about.So you see there are advantages to having a group and having a single. Although you could get around the group difficulties by having a secondary container to deposit them in while you cleaned out their proper tank, I suppose.

Heat MatsHere is a secret about stick insects: they are easy to look after. Apparently on the internet, this is a secret. On the internet people like to overromanticise their Foreign Exoticness™, and would have you installing a heat mat, a miniature gymnasium, a salad bar and a skating rink for the comfort of your Foreign Exotic™ pets. But truthfully they are not fussy creatures, in my experience. Unless you live in the Arctic, your home is probably not too cold for them. I have never had heat mats for my sticks. I would say you need to guard against them getting too hot, rather than too cold - and I live in England!When I was about twelve, I had my very first stick insects, Stan and Laurel, for a rather brief amount of time that was cruelly cut short by them dying of heatstroke. They were left in direct sunlight for a couple of hours, and cooked. Meanwhile, the insects I’ve had since then have survived English winters with no ill effects - and no heat mats. Of course, mine are Indian Stick Insects, the most basic kind money can buy. I claim absolutely no expertise on any other kind of stick (or leaf, or indeed otherwise shaped) insect - possibly, some of the ones that truly have a degree of Foreign Exoticness™ will be glad of a good heat mat. Don’t quote me unless you’re buying Indians. Probably don’t quote me at all, lest the Righteous Exotickers descend on me…! But I would honestly say Indian stick insects are fine in most climates without a heat mat.

Other things:

I very rarely handle my stick insects - the few times I’ve touched them have mostly been accidental! Maybe it’s me projecting my touch-phobe ways onto them, but Douglas lived four months longer than the average so I can only guess that he was pleased to go undisturbed for most of his life. My defence here is that if I wanted a touchy-feely pet, I would have got one with fur. (Also, I read somewhere once that sometimes being picked up can scare them, and they’ll just drop a leg and run away, hopefully regenerating the limb later but if not, their attitude is “oh well, at least I got away from the scary human with my other five”. I have no idea if this is true, but I don’t touch them with my hands if I can help it. If I do need to move them I try and tempt them onto a leaf first. Though if a stick has decided it wants to be somewhere, you often have a job convincing it to move.)

I have recently taken to setting some stems with leaves on in little containers of water, which makes them last much longer. But the insects could drown in more than a few drops of water, so the containers are covered, with just a few holes in their lids to let the stalks through. I don’t know if that’s a good enough description, maybe I’ll add a photo here later of this setup.

They love to drink tiny water droplets, so a spray bottle is a good thing to keep on hand. You can get away with only changing the leaves every four or five days if the spray’s there to break it up.

They have cute little faces. Once they’re adult it’s big enough to see. Make sure you cherish their faces and tell them often that they are beautiful.

Don’t worry if the top part of their front legs start going red. I thought Doug and his siblings had developed some kind of disease when I first noticed this! But actually red “armpits” (as I began calling them) are a sign of healthy adulthood. If anything it just means you can stop worrying that they’ll die during skin-shedding, because they won’t need to shed anymore. (Again, I can only speak for Indians… perhaps in other stick species red legs is a sign that the End Times are upon us!)

I have recently taken to covering the floor of the tanks with tissue paper. I never bothered before this generation of babies hatched, but when they did I read that tissue is a good idea, because if they fall on it they’ll be protected. Now I just kind of do it anyway, even though they’re all about the same age as Douglas and Co were when I got them. Not only does it protect them a little from falling, it makes clearing out the droppings ten times easier, especially if they insist on staying put when you’re trying to do so. As mentioned, they are stubborn beasties. I wonder sometimes if they were called stick insects because their feet stick to things, and then we named wooden sticks after them because of the resemblance, rather than the other way round…

Giant Snails!

Are they easy to look after?Yes, I think so! They eat most kinds of fruit and vegetables - exhaustive lists can be found on Snail Forums, but mine are especially fond of lettuce and broccoli. They’re not that bothered about strawberries or cabbage, I’ve found. I don’t know if this is typical or just Snailsa and Shelemiah being awkward. It’s fun to watch them eating, and I just take out uneaten food once it looks a bit old, before it goes mouldy on them. I also don’t give them the outer leaves of lettuce etc, because it might have pesticides on. The other thing they like - for some reason - is flakes meant for exotic fish. No idea why, and I probably wouldn’t have thought to give it to them, but the people we adopted them from sent them with a tub of fish food, and sure enough, they can’t get enough of the stuff. If they’re sulking about something and won’t eat, I sprinkle a bit of fish food and suddenly everything is forgiven. Strange but true.They also need a sprinkle of calcium every now and then on their food, to help keep their shells strong. Everywhere you look people recommend cuttlefish bone too, and I have given mine some, but I’ve never seen them actually use it so for good measure I still sprinkle a little calcium. They like to be kept damp, so every day I spray them with water. Sometimes if they get too hot they seal themselves into their shells, and then they need a good dousing from the spray bottle to coax them out. The first time it happened I thought they were dead… but they’ve revived each time, and I just try not to let them get too dry for too long. I also have to check for eggs every few days, and they should be removed and frozen. (I’m not sure how easy/legal it is to breed your own baby snails. Everywhere I’ve read, it just says not to. You definitely can’t release them into the wild, because they’re not part of the ecosystem here.) I actually haven’t ever found an egg… so I’m not sure how often they’re supposed to appear?!I think snails do prefer to live in pairs or more, for what it’s worth. They are, to quote something I read online, “gregarious”. Love that word. Never seen it used in regard to stick insects, but… The snails have the kind of peat/soil stuff sold for large spider care, in the bottom of their tank to bury themselves in or dig around. I change that when it gets old but I’m not sure how often it should by rights be changed. Usually ends up being every other month or so.

SalmonellaYes, they do carry salmonella, which is a little unfortunate. I have a supply of plastic gloves that I keep with their tank, and I use them the whole time I’m handling them or their stuff. Then afterwards I still wash my hands with soap, because….. you never know! I’m not usually a germaphobe at all but I’m being unprecedentedly careful over the snails, heh heh. Maybe I’ll get lazier once I’ve had them a bit longer (as I’ve heard of other people touching them with their bare hands etc), but at the moment I’m taking the double precaution. It’s not much of a bother really, in comparison to how cute they are to look at :D

Well, I think that’s it, and woohooo, my phone has left it alone so far! Now let’s see if it will post. Doubtless I’ll come back and add more things as I remember them, but for now… this has been a Sticks & Snails PSA! Thank you for your attention.

[whence-the-woody]

2020 

I used to do big, reflective summaries of my year and even tho I am feeling reflective today, I wasn’t able to do that last year and I actually really like the format I went with last year of just listing memz so I’m going wih that. Intention review etc will be in another post. So, my 2020 memories:

Jan

Gearing up to leave a job I hated, packing up my life to move away properly for the first time. Going flat hunting with my mum and my brother and having a literal choice of one

I did Home which I dont really remember so it was probably fine

This was the month the Gallavich wedding aired and gaslit me into believing there was still anything positive about that show/ship. Tbf at the time I was LIVING for it

Cinema kick with Mum including CATS. What a moment. 

Feb

Last day at said crappy job (just weird and awks. I didnt really know how to feel) and starting a new one - everyone was so lovely from the off and even tho I was bored at times I was optimistic

Staying with my brother for a few days, him helping me move in which was all very nice. 

My flat having no hot water for the first week - I only cried about it once. And me having nothing but an air bed for 3 weeks. Not ideal but grateful to have amenities and furniture by the end of the month

I think this was both kareoke night for one persons birthday and a 90s party for another - both excellent nights

People were talking about COVID by the end of the month but I was like pfft we’ve been here before with swine and bird flu, it’ll be all hyped up then go nowhere 

I think I was getting my first allocations by the end of the month which I was grateful for because going from an insane workload to none at all was tricky and I wanted to get going

March

Oh March 2020. How we did not see you coming. 

Before the lockdown even happened I remember people were panic buying. I stocked my freezer a bit, not because I was worried but because so many shelves were empty. All the shops starting looking apocalyptic and I was despairing over how silly everyone was being. You couldn’t get online shops anymore and there was no loo roll to be found - still think thats just so dumb. I had to go to 4 different stores to find oats and was so annoyed, weird little tidbit but I remember it. 

 I remember sitting down on my new furniture - eating a meal I had made, watching John Mulaney and feeling good in my new home - and seeing the Boris announcement. Other countries had already locked down so I had mentioned to my manager that I might have to go home to my Mums if it happened here - she had asked, I didn’t really believe it would. I had arranged for a friend to visit that month and when she cancelled I was like I think everyones being dramatic but okay. Then the 23rd, they announced a lockdown from midnight and I straight away messaged everyone to say I was panicking, asked my manager if I could leave and packed to drive back to Mum’s the next morning. I was in my flat about 6 weeks. 

I know for a fact that March felt like the longest month to ever happen but now I cant remember anything else from it - the announcement was so late in the month, I wasn’t working from Mum’s for that long before April. I think we were told to WFH if we could mid-month but I didn’t. Cant for the life of me now think why it felt so long. I know for those last 2 weeks I was refreshing the news constantly to see what was happening. I was still skeptical and thought the numbers were too low for such drama

April

WFH for real. Excruciating daily calls “to check in”. Working my first cases from home, only on the phone, with no idea what I was doing. Taking turns wearing headphone with Mum because we were both having confidential conversations. 

Walking my pup to get my alloted hour of exercise. Taking regular breaks to go outside - I think this was when there was a heatwave. Eating lunch outside. Sometimes doing weights or yoga during my lunch break - that part was actually pretty great 

Discovering podcasts - especially FDRF. They were the real MVP. 

Still constantly checking the news for updates. 3 weeks turned into 6 and so on and so on. 

I came back to my flat for one of the long weekends. I had accepted that it was going to be longer then 3 weeks and I needed more stuff. I went for a very hot walk through a ghost town - at the time it still seemed like there were too many people about. Still picnics in the park happening. 

Everyone flinching when they say each other and steering well clear. It made you feel tainted even though its what we were suppossed to do. 

Clapping for carers - absolute bullshit placating, hated it. 

Always being left off the list of keyworkers.

Still feeling like yeah its bad but ?? This cant go on forever 

A year of build up to a move then the rug was pulled out from under me, I tried not to complain because others had it so so much worse but it was hard. Is hard. 

We watched all of Location, all of Marvel, Bake off etc etc. I cried when Tony Stark died. 

I went back through my ENTIRE tumblr. I realised how little had changed really, it was very existential. 

May 

I had to come back to my new city because I was on a duty rota for 2 weeks. I was actually very excited and had a good time. I got to see people IRL!! Including some I was working with. It was definately a heatwave at that point - we were swealtering in our cars and full PPE but I was so glad to be out and about and back in the city. Putting a face and proper clothes on again was very weird

I dont remember anything else from May specifically. I think March and April lasted 10 years but then May June July were a blink. I think I had accepted how bad everything was by that point, I had stopped looking at the News for updates. I think this is where zoom started to be a thing maybe. 

June

Honestly not a clue. I was between My place and Mum’s because of the duty rota. I don’t think I came back FT until end of June. I know things were starting to open up again and it was all moving far too fast - I definately wasnt going to run out to the gym or pub but alot of people were. We were suppossed to go on holiday for a week this month, with my brother and the dogs but obvs that was cancelled - it was such a lovely place as well, shame. 

Yoga was still random but I did a weight workout every day this month which was great

July

Turning 25. I was definately back in the city FT, going back into work. My Mum came to stay in my place for the first time. My brother came over too. We went for a walk, had a picnic in the rain then ate cake back at mine. My Mum got me a microwave for my birthday because Im AN ADULT

For my birthday also me and my Mum watched Hamilton for the first time. This then took over my entire life and was played at all hours of the day 

Kept going with daily weight workouts, moved up another set. I think this is where I re-did Revolution

August

Ready to start socialising again. More restrictions were being lifted too quickly which I knew but also I had to GTFO

A friend came to stay with me for the weekend. Hes not very mobile so we couldnt do much - went for a short walk into town, sat by the river and got severely sunburned. We went to a restaurant for the first time in 6 months - I had pancakes. I made him watch Hamilton which he did not appreciate enough. Also watched Truman show for the first time while eating burritos - what a mindfuck that movie is I mean really

Went for a very long very hot walk with a friend all around the fields surrounding the city. We stopped for a drink and cake halfway, more drinks were then had in her garden. This was our first time hanging out alone and it was really lovely, we spent much more time together after that. Shes probably who Ive seen the most this year. 

A couple of weeks after that we went for bottomless brunch, followed by I think 3 or 4 other bars. The joys of getting day drunk. 

I think this was the month I started using friend/dating apps and got OBSESSED. They’re just so silly and judgey and fun, I love it. 

My 6 month tenancy ran out which I chose to renew. I started negotiations with my landlord for a pet agreement. 

I think this is where I re-did Dedicate. I think weight workouts fell off a little bit because I was pretty busy. Instead of running started doing 3 walks a week which was nice. 

September

First time hanging out with more then one person - did a Hamilton viewing party with 4 of us. There were american themed snacks, it was great. Not a boozy night which was needed. I think I then went for coffee with 2 of the girls this month. 

First time meeting up with 2 girls I met on an app - I’m still friendly with one, not the other. It was mostly a good time and I’m very proud to have done it but then drunken politics came up and it got AWKWARD. 

Nagging and nagging and nagging my landlord until she signed the pet agreement and LET ME GET A CAT

My obsession with apps was replaced with a cat shelter/app obsession. It was very frustrating because I wanted to rescue and they make it very hard so I eventually found a for sale ad and contacted them - it was a rescue though as far as I’m concerned, she was in a horrible situation for an “owner” who had no clue and had only had her for a couple weeks before giving up and putting her up for sale. I rescued her okay. I think it was 3 or 4 weeks after getting agreement that I went to pick her up. So getting everything ready for her was a big part of this month

I did manage to fit in a 5 day holiday. It was suppossed to be solo travel abroad but ended up being a Mon-Fri with family. We did some NT walks it was nice.

Then it was literally that weekend my brother drove me to Wales to pick up my new fur baby. Instantly fell in love obviously and my whole life became about her from that point on. They told me she was really timid and scared, she had been hiding in her current place, but I was so impressed with how curious and confident she is. She was wary at first, a bit flinchy, didnt like being petted with 2 hands, didnt like loud noises, wouldnt come on the bed or sofa, wouldnt come into the living room really. I put child locks on alot of doors but shes not mischivous so its never really been an issue. She loved to play from the get go and did come to me for a fuss from day one. I adore her basically. The first time she jumped on the sofa, sat next me on the bed, slept on my bed, let me stroke her with 2 hands, her first vet trip, every little first and win has always been a massive victory, Im a v proud mama. She was no name for a few days but quickly somehow became my Myshka (the whole long list I had went quickly out the window somehow)

Did some more regular yoga. Tried to do 5 weight workout a week but it was a bit random. Walks fell off because of anxiety over leaving the cat. 

October

Alot of WFH to be with the cat. Definately obsessed. 

We had our team day on a farm, that was lovely

Saw my friend for Halloween - watched Hocus Pocus for the first time, had cocktails, watched a boring horror movie then Rocky Horror which is just exceptional. Lockdown 2.0 was announced but we were tipsy and over it. 

A very stressful month work-wise, lots of deadline, threat of Ofsted, management changes, admin changes, not getting enough sleep because work stress and struggling with productivity. My health suffered a bit too because I didnt have time for lunchtime exercise anymore. 

November

Technically there was a lockdown but it felt no different because everyone was still in school and work, I dont think people even tried this time. 

The election, refreshing the results constantly. I fully expected a T win and was happy when he didnt but still disappointed at how close it was, as was everyone 

I bought my first Christmas tree and my own decs. Christmas shopping obvs. 

I downloaded Tiktok and started to question far too much about my identity. its ongoing. 

Most important was SUPERNATURAL. I had alot of feelings, it was an absolute rollercoaster my god. What a time to be alive that was. 

A couple of outside coffees in the park which is always nice. I went to a new friend’s house for tea and met their dog, also nice. 

I did a SV for the first time in a very long time and it reminded me of everything I used to hate about my old job, so happy to have left there

Test weekend taking the cat to stay with the family dogs, she did great, shes a champ

December

Pretty standard Christmas month. Had a christmas movie night with themed snacks and hot chocolate with one friend. Had another friend come for the day to do the same - first time I had seen her in a year after 3 cancellations, that was very lovely

Constant restriction changes and crappy government pissing me off but it didnt affect my plans luckily

All the Tier 2, Face Hands Space signs feeling very dystopian

Brother’s 30th plans got cancelled coz COVID. Back up NYE plans got cancelled got COVID. Actual NYE was fine tho the normal show/song/crowd was cancelled coz of course COVID 

OVERALL

Not so good shit

I mean the whole thing in general yknow

Alot of plans couldn’t go ahead - various groups I wanted to join, a new gym, more nights out with more people, more chances to meet new people ETC

My diet has been an inconsistet shit show BUT TFB there were months where you couldnt predict what was going to be on the shelves, you couldnt get orders and the whole world felt so pointless and dark like why even care about that shit yknow

My exercise also wasnt consistent though I dont feel too bad about it. I was always doing something I feel like even if it was just walking

Ive ended the year with the same amount of savings I started with which isnt exactly bad since I moved and furnished a flat and got a new pet but it isnt great

I hate WFH with a burning passion and im worried the world has accepted that as a new normal and im not okay with it

None of this shit is over yknow

Just a general hopelessness is the face of big world things yknow. Theres really nothing we can do about it, just gotta ride that wave and vote when ya can

No travel - I had such plans!!

Good shit

My new fur baby who I love and adore beyond sanity

Starting a good job in a great city with lovely people

Growing so much in confidence because Fuck it, everything is pointless anyway and theres no point in planning or caring so imma just do me

Exploring so much of who I am through new relationships, my own environment, little things like exploring my style, picking up old hobbies, trying new routines and habits

Strengthening some friendships and maintaining others despite the insane obstacles

Maintaining a positive relationship with My Mum in particular, and my whole family

Trying new things in my new city. Still managing nights out, a somewhat proper birthday and a short trip

No actual mental breakdowns which this year feels like a win. My mental health is actually in such a better place then it was this time last year. The job was killing me, thank fuck I got out when I did 

I redid more then 1 30 day programs and did 2 straight months of weights 

My family, friends and I are all safe and well 

Music of the year:

Hamilton

An awful lot of Panic! 

Anyone - DL

Partition (idk dont question me)

Basically alot of drama while trying to hold on to both my emo and club days - fuck I miss clubbing yall. I dont even like clubbing. 

Media of the year:

I should acknowledge Shameless even though I came full circle on it and have now fully abandoned the whole thing and prefer my own AU where Milkoviches get what they deserve 

Schitts Creek

Supernatural 

Hamilton obvs

Marvel technically, it was alot of hours

Staged

Derry Girls

Pose

The Old Guard

Pride - which is not new but we watched it on Christmas eve and I cried in my mums lap okay 

Ship of the year has to be Destiel I mean standing ovation for that rage inciting moment followed by a solid month of absolute chaotic good, it was glorious in its destruction. 

2021 INTENTIONS TO FOLLOW 

[krs724490]

5/1/19

word vomit here we go. i guess i can start by saying that i finished college a few days ago. im moving out of 1020 east U now or i moved half of my stuff out today. I leave for thailand a week from today. I graduate this weekend. and i told dan i needed the day not to talk to him this morning or rather i said i was moody and needed the day away from my phone. im a bit sick, my throat hurts a bit. and ive been in a foul mood. theres no other way to say it. just a shit mood. nothing was positive. i think it couldve been a lot worse if i hadnt been listening to jeremy and audrey roloff’s podcasts. they give me hope and perspective. im not sure if its all the transitioning thats tough or why im in this bit of a mood. i was right to tell dan i needed the day because i immediately felt better once the pressure was released to talk to him. it seems that whenever im in a bad mood he is the first thing to go. everything he does is wrong. and i am frustrated with him because he doesn’t seem to want to come here to see me before i leave for thailand. he just wants to hang out in bloomington. which in reality is fine i dont need to be with him im busy and i have stuff to do but every girl wants to feel that their boyfriend wants to be around them. he also isn’t coming for my graduation which, again, in reality its fine if he’s not here but its still the thought that counts. its him showing the effort and desire to come despite me saying its not a big deal. its been tough because dan didn’t graduate this semester. he’s going to have to do more school. im not yet sure if itll be this summer or next fall but either way i know he wont be in denver right when i am. and that means long distance. ive always had a tough time with long distance because that means half of me wont be with me. i will always be half somewhere else. i will always have to report back to someone who wont fully understand my life because he wont be there. he wont feel weird when i say im going to the boxing gym or be suspicious of me because he will have been there at least once before and seen its nothing to be worried about. things like that. i feel like i can’t fully give myself to a place unless im all there, unworried about anyone else. so when dan talks about being away I’m extra critical of him because in order for long distance to be worth it i feel like i have to marry him. like our relationship has to be super super strong and the thing is that it is. our relationship is so strong. kind of unbelievably so. in a completely unexpected way. there are just certain things about him that im not so sure about. the way he only does things when he’s truly motivated or when he doesn’t have his SHIT together and can’t tell me if ill even see him before i leave for thailand. these are the things that make me pause and wonder if ill be able to do long distance with him. if ill be able to trust him enough if well be strong and mature enough. i have so much going on in my head. i cant quite sort it out because i know that there is no right answer. theres just what will happen and how i deal with it and if i can deal with it gracefully. i can either struggle through it or i can try my best to keep my head up and see what happens. I know that i will try my best to do what’s right. but its hard when im in a bad mood not to just go directly to... this isn’t going to work. i don’t need him. ill be better off alone. i know that he’s worth it but its hard because i do expect him to be perfect. if hes not perfect than to me hes not worth it. and i know thats expecting too much. its just hard because i dont really want to be in a relationship. and in order to give my energy to a relationship i need to feel like its a good one. i know this is a good one. its just hard to keep in mind when he does things like he is now. like not coming for my graduation. i know that transitions aren’t a big deal and that change is going to happen and i should flow with it. but when im in a bad headspace its so easy to blow them up and be dramatic about what’s to happen. its easy to overthink and say that things wont work. i still dont even know what to say to him. i want to come back and be positive and tell him “Hey babe I’m sorry i just needed a minute to get some perspective. I was in a bad mood and didn’t want to take it out on you so i took a step back.” but at the same time im still upset with him for not being here. for not planning something for not at least telling me what the hell is going on. im so tempted just to tell him ill see him when i get back from thailand honestly. i just need some space. i just know that i can’t talk to him when i feel like this. when im frusterated with him and i also dont want to tell him that im frusterated with him because i do understand that we need our time apart and i dont even really want him to come here i just want him to value our relationship enough to want to. sometimes or a lot of times he makes me feel like im an afterthought. like hes focused on himself and i’m just something he has to tend to once in awhile. but i guess that’s all boys. thats why its hard for me not to think if i just drop him i wont have to worry about it anymore. i can just live so freely. i might not talk to him tomorrow either. i feel like i just need time to air it out. his lack of effort makes it too hard to talk to him right now without getting extremely frusterated. I’m going to take my time getting back to the right headspace. im going to take my time thinking about how i feel and how i want to approach the rest of this. I’m scared if i jump the gun im going to say things i dont mean because i do love him, but its not without caution.

[extremelyaverageincrediblynormal]

I think its time to update this thing with everything that has been going on. A lot of beautiful things have happened the past 6 months, but when i look back, its a supercut of mental breakdowns and self harm. Surprisingly, i havent seriously thought about killing myself, but I am definitely putting a strain on my mental health, and i dont think i saw the signs until i was 4-5 months deep. until i was at the hospital. until i was crying in my work bathroom every day for 5 days. and even then, i still tried to keep telling myself if i give up, i am mentally weak. i still tell myself that know, as i try to get myself out of this situation. so lets explain the situation. I will try my best to go back to may and bring you up to speed.

I started working at this job... lets call it, the hellpit. I started in February, and they agreed to give me time off in april to go to japan. I was pretty happy about that, but i remember about a month and a half in, i seriously considered quitting, and that seemed early. I was annoyed at the lack of organization with the products we were selling, and the extra stress it put on the front of house employees. The job ITSELF wasnt so bad, it was simple tasks that were sometimes fun. But the customers were the worst. This is a private club, so we see the exact same people every single day, and i work in a half grab&go half diner. And we get treated like we are nothing. most of the time, we dont even get a “hi” or “thank you”, but we are required to smile and be polite, tell the customers to have a nice day. One girl got fired because she didnt smile enough and was kind of a quiet person. oops. But then i got my best friend hired, and i started enjoying my days a bit more. Japan gave me some perspective on life and i was running off that energy for about a month. I was also moving at the end of may so that took most of my focus. I was then asked to work in the poolside snack bar/ actual bar. I was excited, it sounded like a fun, fast-paced environment. I feel dissapointed writing that because I was so wrong. It makes me feel sad.

I would be working closer to the actual manager. Now, there is drama going on with that. there was 2 managers, R and C. R had been there for 13 years, had close relationships with the people in my workplace. she was even sister-in-laws with someone there. And then C comes in, and sees that there is a lot wrong with how the cafe is running. she wasnt totally wrong, but she has a large personality and isnt afraid to shit talk people. she came in and tried to change everything, and I dont know exactly what happened behind the scenes but R left on a 3 month stress leave, came back for 3 weeks and quit. If that doesnt tell you something about what it’s like to work along C, ive got more. 

So this poolside hellbox was usually run by some other managers in the club, but C insisted on running it herself, putting her employees in it, etc. it was going to be the best year the poolside hellbox has ever seen. it was small, but it needed at least 3 people to run properly. Sure, it could be slow on cold days, but on hot days, it was a nightmare if there was only 2 people. Because we had to do everything; open, stock all the food, take orders, make orders, and pass them off, and close. it was truly exhausting and our days were always 9-10 hours, no breaks. She also stopped putting 3 people, brought it down to 2, usually 1. it was incredibly stressful. I tried to talk to her about my concerns, and she completely agreed. so i thought things would change. they did not. after some time, i injured my rotator cuff, and that lasted about a week until my entire back seized up and i had to go to the doctor. i was physically burnt out. and she had to work one of my shifts because i was medically ordered to take a break from work. writing this is making my back hurt.... funny how that works. anyways, i came back and she told me about how HARD of a day she had when she had to be in there for 6 hours. I thought to myself, good, she will finally understand. She never did. put me back in it, working 6 days a week, no tips, no breaks, 9 hours. there was a day where the air quality was so bad that my coworker with asthma expressed how ill the smoke makes him feel and that he cant breath, and she made sure he felt guilty for not telling her before hand. and then when we werent even making money that day, she blamed the people upstairs for not making the call to close it. i cant believe it.

the PSH finally closed for the year, but she wanted one more day to make a bunch of money. So there is another key player here. J. J has the title of supervisor but doesnt always act like it. C expresses how she feels about J often, and shes the only one who has the power to do something about it but does she? No. 

So on this day, C is not at the Bad place, so in any other situation, J would be in charge. But C insisted that I text her and listen to what SHE said. and she said she wanted to open the PSH 2 hours early. J said it was too busy and we needed coverage. I listened to J. The fact that we didnt open 2 hours earlier really upset C. she was so mad at J for making that call, and i was upset that i was put in a position where i had no idea who to listen to. 

So that was the day i decided i couldnt be there next summer. I needed to leave before the PSH opened again. 

And since then, there has been a lot of hostility towards me. I remember C telling me that people might not like me because she likes me, and people dont like her. that should have been my first red flag to get the fuck out. I honestly thought she was a woman of her word, and that sticking with her was the right decision. she made me all these empty promises, like i’ll be getting a raise in September, or that she has big plans for me and my career there, or even that we were getting a company-paid night to reward us for all our hard work. and what has unfolded? nothing. 

since then, it has been a series of bullshit. she comes down, yells at everyone and everything thats wrong, comments on how terrible the communication is, and how this doesnt look right, and how stupid everything is and how no one knows how to do their job, “except for you, this isnt directed towards you.” I have a feeling it may not be IN THAT MOMENT, but im sure it has been directed at me at some point. Shes manipulative, and takes advantage of people for her own personal gain, and completely lacks empathy. If it doesnt affect her, why does she care. If someone cant help her, why does she need them. that is her mentality, and she is a psycho. she wants complete control, but does nothing to change anything. She wants people to do certain things, but never tells them. She is by far, the worst manager i have ever had. not to mention she puts out the schedule thursday night-friday for the upcoming monday. so, yes, 3 days in advance. I feel betrayed, i feel disspointed, i feel burnt out. 

She also made a sarcastic remark about how i could “never disappoint her”, which was the last straw for me. That was the day i decided i need to get out of there. 

So, thats whats been going on at work, but behind the scenes, i have been unraveling. My manager has qualities that remind me of my mother, and not in a positive way. it’s very triggering in a way, and when i feel like i have disappointed her, i have the same feeling i would get when my mother would be disappointed in me. when she is completely unsympathetic to me being burnt out, i remember all the times my mom told me to stop feeling sorry for myself when i would cry. so i deal with daily triggers that i have a hard time shaking. there are also some things that go on in that club that really disturb my core values. I am a caring, inclusive person and these people treat us like dirt. I think most people are used to it, i even feel like im less sensitive to it as time goes by. 

But i have been having mental breakdowns at least once a week. they were worse back in june or july, i remember completely trashing my room, throwing my books around and slamming my book case on the ground, and the colapsing and hyperventalating on the ground until my roommate found me. I remember scratching myself until i bled. I remember running to a park and crying in a field. I remember crying on the bathroom floor naked. I remember not being able to get out of bed. i remember punching a wall so hard i almost broke my fingers. this all happened withing 3 months. and after the big explosions came depression and giving up. I cry in the work bathroom often, i dont care about being on time, i dont care about my job, i dont care about my health or being in pain. i am in a constant fog, im exhausted and angry and i have a beautiful partner who loves me so much and i cant feel any of it, because i think i shut down everything so i can make it through the day. I’ve gained weight, i hate my body again, and i feel stuck. i feel ugly, i feel useless, i feel trapped. i need help. i need help getting out of this. i am so exhausted mentally, i do nothing with my day because im too tired. i am so incredibly miserable, i get those depression headaches every single day. I have a surgery coming up that i am not willing to compromise. maybe ill take some extra days off then? look for a job? rest my mind and prepare to job hunt and grind for a job that i might not hate? maybe i should leave now, go work at starbucks, see if i can get the time. maybe i should find a part time job, but will my manager hate me for it? does she already hate me for it? i just want to survive. i just dont want to get to the point where suicide feels like the only option again. I am not there yet, but its on the horizon, and that’s why i am scared.