#i wanna take a bite of so many things you arent supposed to be able to take a bite off of.. sigh

[dexaroth]

been having this one craving of biting a surf board and leaving one of those perfect bite-shaped holes in one and running off with the piece and eating it.mm wood

[witchcraft-in-wonderland]

Strangers (Pt.10)

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"Roman I can walk down the stairs by myself!"

"But you could get hurt! I mean what if you fell or tripped or- look at you!"

"What about me?."

"Well you're h-"

"I'd chose your next words carefully Princey unless you want to learn how to swallow with teeth in your throat."

"Yessir-"

The past seven months had been bliss for Virgil, everything finally felt normal and safe. Virgil could finally go outside and chat without stressing about being overheard. He could finally breath and laugh and smile at his husband.

And most importantly, this really was Roman. Not some copy or fallacy meant to keep him isolated and dependent.

The only thing he wasnt much enjoying was the process leading up to the family he'd soon be starting. He sometimes wished he could just stay in bed for decades on end instead.

"Are you coming to eat breakfast or not then? I'll still carry you if I have to," Roman said, standing at the bottom of the stairs, waiting patiently for his husband.

"I'm coming I'm coming- last time I checked I'm supposed to be the emotionally distressed one arent I?" Virgil said with a laugh, followed by a sharp intake of breath as his arm crossed over his stomach.

"Told you she wouldnt like those jokes either didnt I?" Roman said with a laugh.

"You're insufferable sometimes Roman I hope you know that," Virgil said, finally accepting Roman's help the rest of the way down.

"Wow, six plates just for me?" Virgil said as he sat down, scanning the table in front of him.

"And that's not all, I finally finished that tonic for morning sickness I was working on," Roman said.

"Oh really? And how much help did you need with that?" Virgil said, eyes glancing over the wolf necklace around his husband's neck for a few fleeting moments.

"Hey! It only took like- three questions-" Roman said, clearly biting the inside of his cheek. Virgil raised an eyebrow.

"Thirty. It took thirty." Roman states, rolling his eyes. Virgil snickered slightly.

"Well hopefully it works, I'd like to sit down for sewing without having to get up every ten seconds," Virgil said, smiling as he raised a glass.

"To the Order of Terra, without whom none of the bullcrap we've put up with would have been possible," Virgil said sarcastically.

"Now baby you of all people should know not to mock the dead," Roman said sternly.

"They died once and if they wanna fight I can kill em again," Virgil continued.

"Do you know when Logan plans on getting rid of that gods forsaken book?" Roman asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Probably gonna pass it on with his necklace, he's practically fanatical about it, I ask him what day it is and he somehow ties it in to something someone in the order said that was important for- reasons," Virgil said with a laugh.

"I mean I guess it's good information to know?" Roman said pensively, Virgil shrugged.

"So how do you feel?" Roman said, glancing up at Virgil.

"Bloated and nauseous." Virgil said sardonically.

"Aaawww, poor baby. . ." Roman said, running a hand through Virgil's hair.

"How many months are left again?" Virgil said.

"Just one, maybe a little less," Roman replied, Virgil groaned.

"You wanna visit the others?" Roman asked.

"Cant they just come here?" Virgil asked.

"Alright, I'll call," Roman answered.

And soon enough there were six more people in the living room. Andy, who had insisted on sleeping in Virgil's room until breakfast had ended, seemed very delighted at the prospect of so many people in one room at once.

"Andy! Down!" Virgil called as the shaggy black mass attempted to crawl into Patton's lap.

"Oh hes not doing anything wrong! Hes just a big ol' sweetheart- arent you? Who's a good boy? Who's a good booooyyyy?" And with that Patton had dissolved solely into baby talk with the dog.

"Logie are you gonna interact with the rest of us or is that book really so interesting?" Remus said, very obviously sarcastic.

"I'm almost done!" Logan said, waving a hand in Remus' direction.

"You've read it a dozen times Logie," Remus said with a laugh.

And then Virgil froze.

Something felt wrong.

Very, very wrong.

"R-Roman-" he managed to sputter out, before a sharp inhale.

"Oh gods- is it-" Virgil nodded before Roman could even finish.

"Janus could you get the emergency pack? Remus you can drive us right?" Both nodded, Roman rushed over to Virgil to sweep him off the couch.

Virgil had heard stories of this kind of thing, but he hadnt thought it would be this hectic in real life.

Though, he supposed he was lucky Remus understood when proper driving was necessary.

He spent the whole ride to the hospital clinging to Roman's arm with one hand while holding his stomach with the other, Remus and Logan in the front seats, and Janus and Patton in the back as well. Remy and Emile had agreed to go separately to secure a decent spot at the hospital.

And it was lucky they did, Virgil wasnt sure he wanted to stay two days in an uncomfortable room.

But after much blood, sweat, and tears, finally, it was over.

"We just need to clean her up a bit so you can rest, then you can hold her for as long as you want," and with that the nurse left the room with the crying baby.

Virgil let out a heavy sigh, a smile clearly visible on his face.

"We did it baby, we're dads now. . ." Roman said, smiling.

"Wait holy shiitake mushrooms I'm an uncle-" Remus said, suddenly wide-eyed.

"Very astute Remus," Janus replied sarcastically.

"Oh shut up grandpa," Remus said with a smirk.

Janus paused for a few moments before shooting a glare in his direction.

A few minutes later the baby was back safe in Virgil's arms. Virgil let Roman sign her certificates, Helena Elizabeth Prince-Duke, a daughter of their very own.

Virgil wasnt sure he'd ever be able to take his eyes off her. He watched as she blinked a few times, arms waving as if caught in a breeze. And then opened two very distinct, charcoal reddish-black eyes.

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[thetowerupright]

this is absolute word vomit. sorry in advance.

i started a new med and my psychiatrist said to take it in the morning bc it wont make me as drowsy as the last anxiety med, but when picking up my med the pharmacist said I absolutely need to take it at night bc i’ll get extremely drowsy. i decided to take it bc i had a horrible panic attack at walgreens so it would help me sleep. so i took it at midnight and laid in bed until 2:45 just not being able to sleep :) sooo i guess the med fought against my actual sleep med and now im wide awake :)) ANYWAYS these are all of my thoughts since midnight

1. i had to delete my twitter app bc i like going on there at night and signing petitions bc there’s so many resources for them on twitter. however so many people are coming out about being raped or molested which is good bc i want people to tell their stories but holy shit it is so triggering. just seeing stories and details like i go on and i have to log off a short time later bc im so triggered. it sucks because i want to be there for people but i cant do that if im triggered ya kno?

2. i have always loved amy winehouse for so many reasons but when i sing one of her songs it’s the only time i feel confident in my singing. she was just such a gem and it makes me so sad to know i’ll never be able to see her live. i’ll go a couple months without listening to her and then a song will come on shuffle and she’s all i listen to for the next 24 hours i love her so much

3. going back to singing, god damn. i miss that shit. i miss performing and being on stage and singing and dancing and acting. i posted a video of me singing on tik tok and i keep almost deleting it because i sound so terrible. i am so terribly out of practice. the other day i found like the tap dance side of tik tok and i almost bought myself some tap shoes and a floor set so i could start tap again. i still remember so much lol but like my singing im so out of practice. bc of my rapist and shitty people in high school i feel like i sound so fucking terrible and have so much anxiety singing infront of people. it sucks i just wanna work on the fear

4. i heard recently that people with anxiety will tend to watch the same tv and movies over and over and over again bc their brain already knows how it ends, and i felt so snatched!!! i restarted the office last week, soooo this is my 13th time watching it. ive watched 5 seasons in like 9 days. and when i finish it (which will probably be in the next couple days) ya kno what im gonna do? PLAY SEASON ONE EPISODE ONE lmfao the office is my tv show weighted blanket

5. i realized that since deleting my instagram soooo much tension has left me. like not just in my body but my soul as well. that shit is just so extremely toxic. im glad i deleted my account and dont have the pressures in my life to please people on social media. i did get a little annoyed tho bc people kept messaging me wanting an explanation and i dont owe anyone shit! however it was fucking hysterical when i put out 24 hours before deleting it that i was leaving and all the men actively in my dms were messaging me all upset like HONEY you’ll be FINE go masturbate to someone else GOOD BYE

6. my savage x fenty package was suppose to be here monday and still isnt here :) so im in nashville and it went from indianapolis, to memphis, to louisville, and is supposedly in nashville as of tonight. like they went south and passed me, then was in the SAME STATE, went NORTH OF ME, and now it’s here. it was also shipped by fedex and i haaate fedex because similar shit like this ALLLLLWAYS happens!! honestly im only frustrated bc im so use to my amazon packages being at my house 4-48 hours later. i say 4 hours bc last month i order something at 4am and it was delivered to my house at 8am that day lol

7. i saw a tik tok about rape that said hey guess what every 7 years you have new cells so in 7 years you’ll have a body that was never touched by your rapist. im happy bc nov 11 will be 7 years since the start of everything so those cells will be gone. but he raped me in february so that’ll be another 7 years for new cells. it’s nice to know i’ll have new cells one day that arent touched by him, but as i sit here typing this i can still feel where he first touched me in nov 2013 and i wish i could burn all my skin off

8. in the last 2 days i have eaten....3 bites of a grilled cheese. :)) like ive gone to eat and just the smell of food makes me so sick. i wish i could go back to my attempt in april and be like “hey frankie yeah uhhhhh dont do this...for obvious reasons ofc but also bc you literally will not eat food for months!!!” i cant tell you how many times ive gotten food i love and taken a bite and it’s soooo gooood and then after two or three more bites my body is like “NOOOOOPE ABORT MISSION”

9. it’s almost a year since rileys death. i’m trying to keep myself distracted as best i can. it’s hard though. i miss them so much. i feel so empty sometimes without them physically being in my life anymore. a year has passed and i still find myself picking up my phone to talk to them. ive gone through this pain before and i know it gets better it truly does. but right now it’s hard and painful and absolutely heartbreaking and soul shattering. i hope whatever happens after death, riley is okay. theyre happy and free and their soul is more alive than it was on earth.

10. i felt suicidal today and for a moment yesterday for the first time in awhiiiile. not actively or wanting to do harm to myself, but just not wanting to live anymore. when i talked to my resident about it today and how i was dealing with it, he said i was doing a really really good job. and that he was proud of me. i didnt cry then but when he went to get the psychiatrist that was subbing in for mine, i did cry a little. i wish i heard more that people were proud of me. i’ll appreciate that from anyone, but i fucking wish my family would tell me that. they never really have, going all the way into childhood to now. idk i just feel like nobody is proud but im trying so fucking hard.

11. the sun is rising and it’s so pretty outside. despite everything, this week is going well. it’s not like fantastic or anything, but i feel a little more lively this week than the past several weeks. a few weeks ago i looked at myself in the mirror and started sobbing. not just because i hate how i look and my body. but because i saw no light or life in my eyes. i took a selfie a couple days ago, and i saw a little light and life again. im not gonna say things are better, but things are very very slowly improving. just gotta do the next right thing. ttyl :)