#i wanna say this is tumblr brain bc there WERE a lot of people back in the day who would cancel you for watching spongebob

[lostandbackagain]

life as someone who feels unreasonable social justice guilt about everything sounds exhausting.

not being able to post that you like something without adding a 900 word disclaimer that the creator ran a stop sign once and you don't condone that so you're separating the art from the artist.

can't post a song by a black singer without a " *I'm white so lmk if I'm listening to this wrong."

posting that you're headed to therapy and having to add that it's a mark of your privilege that you can afford it and that it's effective for you.

apologizing for posting your meal because there might be someone out there that doesn't like it.

like. it seems like a lot of (especially young) leftists have bought into the right wing scaremongering about the big bad communist hovering over your shoulder getting ready to scream CANCELED if you don't make sure every problematic loophole has been closed and it's not only making dumb leftist stereotypes real and centering the wrong party in social justice topics but it's just. so sad to see people living like they think they're going to get in trouble for being alive

[bonesandthebees]

Okay fuck it. I think scrolling for hours today is enough DJFKGKFK I'll just log back out. I wanna focus my energy on more positive things

Im so gonna log back in the minute my friend sends me another tweet but HDKGKGKD no. I will do my best. He's not worth our time man.

Okay one more tiny rant about him and then I promise I'll stop I just OOOHHMYGODHFJGKG HE JUST. I had so much hope. That. He would reply and it wouldn't fix things, I wouldn't go back to watching him or anything but at the very least I could get closure that like? Maybe his closer friends would be able to heal and move on? Idk if that's parasocial or whatever but he was such a big role model for me the past few years I really had hope that at least some parts of it were real, you know? And instead we just find out that he not only did these shitty things but didn't fucking learn and did it to other people too and??? It's really really upsetting that he created this safe space, this community of people who were all so lovely while just being. Fake. The whole time. And he doesn't even have the gull to properly apologise and I just??#?# idk what to do with my emotions LMFAO I'd finally started to feel better and like move on but now today I'm just angry again grgrgfhfjdkdk and I totally get that like him being a complete dickhead is easier in a lot of ways bc there's no. Doubting it. Or anything. Like there's no redeeming him. And we can get closure from that. But fuckkk it hurts so badly and the tl is a mess of ppl being like "well this person would never do me wrong" and then ppl being like "fuck every YouTuber ever actually. We can't ever be sure we know them" and LIKE!$?_?$?

Dude I am so conflicted on so many levels rn I feel like my entire world has just been yeeted into the sun LMFAODKFKFKFK

Anyways. Anyways. Thank you bee. Ur tumblr is the only account w a brain rn fr lmfaodjfkfkfks

I get it, I'm fucking furious at him. he had a chance to at least own up to what he did. I wouldn't have gone back to consuming his content, but I could be somewhat at peace knowing he was taking steps towards being better.

I don't want to think it was all a lie, because abusers aren't all completely evil people. the thing is, wilbur is human. a very shitty human, but human nonetheless. and we can't know for sure how healthy or unhealthy every relationship in his life has ever been and I think overanalyzing that or trying to figure out what was fake and what was real isn't really our business or worth our time. wilbur is a guy who has hurt a lot of people, but also refuses to recognize the hurt he's caused. that's it.

I do hate the dichotomy I'm seeing between people trying to prop up their own favorite white boys on a pedestal because apparently people never learn, but also going out and saying every content creator is inherently evil and we shouldn't trust any of them. these people are human. they're all going to fuck up at some point, some worse than others. and sometimes they'll fuck up in a way that they can move past and we can forgive them for, and other times they'll fuck up in a way that shows they shouldn't have the platform they have. they're not all terrible, and they're not all perfect. that's what we should be keeping in mind for the future.

[multiversxwhore]

Call Your Father.

Drew McIntyre x Desiree Simons

a/n: don’t mind me I’m literally bored, I wanted to post something so badly, so here a little something to take the edge off(more so for me than you). Honestly this is wee bit unhinged lol This might end up on my main blog by accident bc yet again tumblr app hates me. Anywho, hope y’all like this little tidbit. Wrestling blog: @slutouttanowhere

“What do you mean your father doesn’t know about us? We’ve been dating for a year!” I sat in Drew’s dressing room, I had originally come here to get a few kisses in before the show tonight. While the intense make out session was had, it only took a second for Drew’s brain to jump back to work. Which led to him remembering to ask me for the update about him meeting my dad. Unfortunately for me, this man doesn’t forget anything. He was now holding me at arms length, and though he was smiling, I knew it was him repressing his irritation.

“I know I just never got around to it!” I rolled my eyes, threw my head back, and let my weight drop into his hands. He huffed out in frustration, we bicker about a lot of things, but this is starting to feel like an actual argument. Family meant a lot to Drew, it’s his life line, and that wasn’t something I was used to. Growing up my dad worked a lot, and by the time I became an adult, I too became very busy. I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

“You yap about me to everyone else, oh my god my man Drew is so amazing, he’s so smart, he’s so funny. Yet, I didn’t come up not bloody once to you um I don’t know, the man that raised you?” He mocked my voice, his tone going up in oactive, I wasn’t sure rather to be impressed, or insulted.

I stood up from the chair he placed me in, I didn’t know what to do with this ball of nerves that were bundled inside of me. “Ugh, you wanna know the real reason why I never said anything?” I asked, I was hoping he would say no.

“Please, lighten me.” His hands placed on his lips like a father, I pressed my lips together trying to take this situation seriously.

I glanced up at him from underneath my lashes, he waited for me, his eyebrows raised, and arms now folded across his broad chest. It’s as if he already knew some bullshit was about to come out of my mouth. I let out a deep breath, “My dad thinks you’re Black.” I blurted out in a rush. I cringed inwardly expecting him to be upset, but I was met with quite the opposite reaction.

Drew burst out into laughter, shaking his head, his tone halfheartedly, “What? Sabrina, you're killin’ me lass. Not only did you not tell him about me specifically…you lied about my race?”

“They got Black people in Scotland don’t they?” I asked sheepishly. I let out a spout of laughter, wrapping my arms around his waist, and tilting my head up to look at him.

He met me halfway, dropping a few sweet kisses on my lips, “You are a mess, you know that?”

“I’m sorry, I just got nervous, you know my dad is like super pro Black. He’s practically Killmonger, and I felt like I’ve disappointed him somehow.” I confessed, though my dad and I aren’t super close, I find myself always clamoring for his approval. Drew’s eyes shifted, a look of understanding, and determination.

“Sweetheart, he’s your father, if he loves you, and I know he does. It shouldn’t matter if I’m fuckin’ Japanese, if he can’t accept your choices as an adult, well then that’s on him.” He kissed me before I had a chance to rebuttal, one hand being my ass, and the other cradling the back of my head as if to make sure I don’t move. He pulled away only to say, “And if he doesn’t like me, that’s too bad because I’m not going anywhere.”

[cacophony-eg]

Apologies to my readers and mutuals for not being very active for the last couple of months.

Abridge Summary: Since summer I’ve been dealing with wildfire scares, soon fallowed by personal health struggles, so I haven’t been in the best mental/creative state…

Now that the rain has returned and my health is on the mend, I’m eager to get back into writing my fanfics and drawing fan art again. I’m going to try and get the next part to Moon Knight and Sun King done by the end of the weekend, though it will be shorter than I originally planned I really want to get something posted for my readers, as many of you have been so patient and supportive I really wanna give something back as thanks. =3

If you wish to know more, I’ll put a more detailed explanation under read more:

I’ve touched very briefly on here that I live in BC Canada and the wildfires that swallowed up most of the province during this last summer. (I’m not sure how many people are aware of how bad the fires were here, if interest I’m sure a google search or even a search on Tumblr will give a quick idea of what state of thing here were like.)

First I want to say that I’m lucky and very grateful, I didn’t loose my home during the fires unlike many other people… I know I just said I would go into more detail here but as I was trying to write about my experiences and stresses. It felt hallow compared to people who’ve lost their homes, or work place, or other important close to their heart thing, to the fires. So I’ll just say Rain has returned and the fires are gone now, and even though it doesn’t magically bring back what the fires took, the rain does feel like a welcomed relief.

In regards to my health for the last few months I’ve been struggling with long haul C-19 symptoms. (Sadly around the time I contracted C-19 it overlayed with the fires so the smoke didn’t do my capabilities to breathe any favours). It’s felt like a domino effect as my struggles with breathing, led to me having struggle with sleeping, the lack of sleep then caused my heighten anxieties to be extra sensitive. There were times my mind was in such a fog that I thought of something that trigger me into having an anxiety attack that triggered me to go into a coughing fit and when I was done with the coughing fit, I couldn’t even remember what I was thinking about before the coughing fit! I would like to say this only happened a few times, but sadly for almost two weeks that’s just the vicious cycle my brain and body was in.

But again I’m lucky and I’m grateful, as I have wonderful housemates that helped take care of me, and so glad that my main job has great remote options that allowed me to (somewhat) keep working and more importantly keep getting paid while I was sick. (Though in truth my work days were mostly me working for maybe an hour or two, before crashing and then trying to do more work for a couple more hours before crashing again/getting an aura migraine rendering me unable to work till it passed. Very slowly getting tasks done as I went.)

Basically for the last few months I’ve been struggling to function enough to do what I need to do to survive and had no energy to do much else, but I am getting better, slowly but surely. I’m going to do my best to keep working on my creative projects such as my fanfics and fan art, but it’s going to be slow going as I’ve fallen behind on a lot in my life that needs to be caught up on as well.

For now I just want to say thanks for taking the time to read this and I hope to make more for all of you to enjoy soon. ^-^

[onlyjaeyun]

What especially gets me about certain fandoms, is someone will literally request something, then get mad you didn't copy and paste the idea they were thinking of from their brain, like if you have an exact idea of what you want, write it yourself, don't send me a request then get mad since my interpretation isn't what you wanted. That gets me as well, like this is a hobby, we are here writing for free, and you have the audacity to get mad I represent something differently than the idea you had built up of that idol in your mind. It's so irritating, since it robs the joy from something you enjoy doing, then you have people complaining why don't you do this or that anymore, and it's just like because of you.

I was in the NCT fandom right when 127, U, and Dream debuted (showing my age here since I was here the day they debuted), and it was a wild time, like 40 year old smut writers were interacting with 14 year olds, and like I don't even write smut on my blog since I personally just don't, but like that ain't gucci, ain't cool, interacting with kids young enough to be your actual child nah. Engenes seem to be a lot more respectful than other fandoms I've seen, which I feel is wonderful. Like the other day my whole feed was nothing but people sharing minors that write smut with each other so we can all block them, which I feel is so nice, since I remember in my NCTzen days, people would say stuff like oh it doesn't hurt anyone, and it's just like it's hurts me, my heart, minors don't need to see that stuff or interact with it they are children. I know, like you wrote like 10 things about him, then are all oh I didn't know his age, like I don't believe you at all, but okay; I'm surprised they didn't try to pull a 'I meant Taki Riki not Niki Riki' since Taki's 18. The only fandom I feel I can compare to the Engene fandom in how chill the tumblr writers are(or seem to be at least) is the Wanna One fandom, like I had some younger writer friends that called me mom; if anything was weird about the interactions, it was usually them, I'd be like 'go eat dinner and go to sleep you have school tomorrow', and then they would be all '1-800-get-that-dick go get laid you old lady'.

THIS THIS THIS!!!!! when i tell you back when i started writing it was mostly bc i barely found people who wrote content rhe way i wanted it to so i was like fuck it imma do it myself and i wish some people would do it themselves bc how are you gonna get your crusty ass in an inbox and requests smth super specific just to be UNHAPPY with what the WRITER and owner of the blog wrote like get the fuck out of here 💀

and yeah, i experienced similar things in the anime fandom like i lit had mutuals aged 17/18 and then moots who were in their thirties and besides one of them i just felt like both sides overstepped boundaries all the time like girl PLEASE 💀 that's probably why i always stick to my 99/00/01liner babies bc my irl friends are also in that age range and i feel the most comfy with them. (i dont mind you ger or older mutuals ofc) and honestly that whole riki part is just so icky bc they probably kew exactly what they were doing and only felt "sorry" bc they got called out for it yk? but yeah, older fandoms used to be way more chill when it came to the whole different ages but gladly i havent had any problem among engenes on here yet so fingers crossed 🫰🏼

[ssahotstuff]

Hey, hope you're doing good today 😊. 🥸🛌💥 for your writers ask?

Ooooh yes gladly! Thank you for asking 🥰🥰🥰

🥸 Does anyone in IRL know you write fanfic or original fiction? If not, do you plan on telling anyone this year?

I haven’t outright told anyone but there are people on this app that know my identity outside of tumblr despite my account being faceless, if that makes sense! I try not to collide my writing/real life because I feel like most of the people I know would judge me heavily.

💥Is there a chapter, scene, or WIP you're most excited to write? Share a snippet or tell us about it!

Eeeek, okay I started this draft like 4 months ago and it’s Hotch x Heavily tattooed reader and he takes her to get tattoos because he loves watching and reader is really hesitant because she knows she isn’t his usual type but there’s so much chemistry regardless 🫠🫠😍 let me see what I can find to tease it with!!

"It really doesn't hurt?" Luckily the shop you found took walk ins, and he had time for a small freehand tattoo when Aaron suggested you get one; he wanted to watch you get a tattoo for some odd reason, and you weren't going to say no. You always had time for a new tattoo, no matter what day or time.

"It's uncomfortable, but it's not as bad as you think. You should get one too," you looked up at him and he was frowning, shaking his head back at you.

"They look much better on you. Your butterfly is cute," that's what you'd gotten, a smaller one, in the blank space of your arm. There wasn't a lot of detail, but he only had an hour to spare for your slot. He covered it with second skin; it was a type of protective seal for your tattoo. Aaron wouldn't let you pay or tip, he insisted, as part of your date. You walked out with a new memory, something to keep on your skin forever that would always make you think of him.

"Were all of your tattoos planned or have you ever gotten one at the spur of the moment like that?" Once you'd climbed in the car, he was taking your hand to examine it more closely.

"Nope, this is a first. I made appointments for the rest."

He liked that a lot.

✨✨✨

🛏 Is there a new trope you'd like to write this year?

Ugh it’s not new because I’ve written it once before but I’m obsessed with Hotch having a lactation kink 🥴🥴 I want to write a whole fic where Hotch has a pregnancy kink/is just absolutely obsessed with pregnant reader and she’s afraid once she has the baby he isn’t going to find her attractive anymore but in reality he’s going crazy over all of the changes her body has made, especially all of her curves 😍

I alsooooo like the idea of writing something that takes place like a year after 5 x 9/100 where Hotch and Jack move to the country to start a new life after Foyet and Hotch falls for a single mom/reader that has a suuuuper simple life, like she has a giant garden/farm and sells her stuff at the farmers market and Hotch is just absolutely wild over her overalls 😂

I also wanna write Hotch having kind of like a threesome but he’s just watching reader and another girl—I had a dream about this scenario like three nights ago and it hasn’t left my brain since. Idk if I’ll write it though because it’s oddly specific—I’m attracted to EVERYONE, regardless of gender identity so it’s super normal for me to be with another woman—I’m not sure if my readers would feel the same though!!

That being said I started a Marty Byrde x Hotch x Reader fic where they were in witsec together and Hotch and Marty agreed to share the reader bc they were both in love with her 🥴 super self indulgent, they didn’t fuck reader at the same time but they were like, taking turns touching her together and it sent my brain haywire so I may finish that— haven’t decided. I haven’t touched it in months but this inspired me to go back and read it 😂😂

[manchasama]

Not sure how long this is gonna be, my hand really hurts (and my back just kicking in lol thaaaaanks), just wanna get some thoughts out

Been recovering lately, defo feeling better but not there yet.  Been so stressed and busy since, well, November really.  But January and February defo took the cake.  Work was brutal, but I was taking advantage of an opportunity before it vanished.  In a better world, we would have started getting ready back in August when I first started asking (thinking that was late to start planning for the Feb event), but because of politics and all that guff we didn’t even get the go until late Dec/early Jan. 

I am not going to get into the details, but rest assured I was working my batutty off.  Then I got covid lol.  While in another state.  *throws hands up*

So yeah, it was about what I expected, with some minor differences.  Took a full week off work (which sucked bc half those days were supposed to be vacation recovery days, not sick recovery days), worked from home for a week and a half, and finally went back into the office today (tested negative a few times and took a few extra days anyway, it was fine). 

I just have this lingering cough that, guess what!  Gets worse when I talk!  *snickers*  That week off where I just slept a lot, I didn’t have a cough.  Minute I get back to work (remote but phone calls), suddenly I start coughing.  Bah!  So that leaves me pretty tired at the end of the day.  Also my back is acting up because of all the sedentary laying around I’ve been doing, but that will work itself out as I get more active again.  The biggest problem with today is for some reason my hand feels like it’s cramping up constantly, without actually cramping.  owie :(

Anyway, before my hand gives up, I just wanted to get some thoughts out that weren’t just whining.  I have been trying to keep my submas interest up (or any interest, let’s be real it’s hard for me to do anything extra when I’m so work tired) through the months, but leaving an avenue to revive the spark when I have the time and energy to work on it.  Threw on my submas playlist on the way home, and yeah, I’ve definitely forgotten what songs go to what scenes/ideas other than vibes.  Just need to do a few daydreaming sessions to pick some of it back up I think, plus go over my notes and all.

I’ve also been thinking I should just...post the raw ideas to Ao3.  Started thinking it when I saw a post going around about how...historians? I forget what their job/passion was, but people who like to ready histories, understand why people liked the stories they saved, highlights and notes in the margins, the every day small loves that don’t make the big history books, that sort of thing.  How those people were basically writing a love letter to people who save those little snippets, print out fanfics, things like that. 

I think it was another post, might have been the same, that was also encouraging people to use Ao3 as the archive it is.  It doesn’t have to be complete works.  It’s there to archive the words, that’s all. 

So yeah.  As much as I want to and intend to try to write the full stories, I’m thinking of just transferring some of the tumblr posts/ideas, some of the snippets from my notes, into Ao3.  Because I want to share the stories with people, and if I can’t write them in full, at least I can share the heart of the ideas.  I still need to transfer old fics to Ao3 too, unfinished as they are.  And I’m kinda hoping that new eyes and new interactions spark my interest again, get my brain going into story-mode again.

I’ve been trying to do some reblogging on my backlog of tumblr stuff.  I know I could just hit the heart button.  I know I could reblog without comment or tag.  But I really like leaving people comments.  It’s just another thing that takes a bit of energy, that I haven’t had too much of.  But doing a bit at a time is good too!

My pain and energy levels have prevented me from doing much of anything for so long.  I can’t say it will change much.  I spend time with friends, which don’t get me wrong i love, but it eats into my free time, and more importantly my energy.  I have a trip coming up in May, which yeah sounds so far away, but it will be upon me way faster than I expect.  Who knows when I’ll have another flare-up (hand plz im almost done), or if work is going to drain me.  But now that the hardest is behind me, I’m hoping to keep things reasonable and have a chance to be creative again.

I want to start my garden (made a few small moves toward that).  I want to make more bracelets, and maybe sell some (character bracelets!  seriously i love my submas bracelets, i wish i could take pictures that do the colors justice).  I want to hang out with friends.  I want to write.  I want to write.  I want to write my stories and share them so much.  Just need to wrangle my brain together.  Balance them to my energy.  And not let my responsibilities pull my mood down or stress me out too much (guh just thinking about some of them make me so tired buuuuh). 

Okay hand is too ow now.  If you made it this far, feel free to let me know what you think about posting the ideas to Ao3, even if I later post a full story about them.  Or anything really.  Gotta get my brain juices flowing again!

[kithtaehyung]

hi ryen! dropping by to tell you that i know exactly what you're feeling, that to think that no one would notice me being gone is my personal devil that i'm still trying to fight against; and while i'm not sure why someone as wonderful as you are would ever feel that way, i hope you at least know you're not alone here and you have tons of people who appreciate your wonderful being here ♥

i'm a creator too, if i'm to be honest, and as much as i appreciate feedbacks, i also find that as a reader, i'd be giddy about leaving feedbacks on stuff i genuinely enjoy because i know how happy i am when i read people's thoughts on something that I create. That said, due to this and that, i'm not always able to do so despite of how much i actually enjoy people's works--what i'm trying to say is, i don't open tumblr a lot these days, and i'm not the type of person who scrolls through someone's blog (creators or not), if i miss something, i miss something. but i'd often wander to yours because i find it comforting and it feels safe. i hope it means something to you and i truly wish you'd get rid of those self doubts sooner than later ♥

love, starry whos on web and cant find the goddamn emoji

thank you, starry. this is incredibly ironic bc i was literally thinking about you yesterday and wondering if/hoping you were doing well. your presence is certainly felt and missed<3 if things aren't good, hope they get okay or better in due time. i also apologize if i brought down any moods! i don't like talking about this stuff bc i don't wanna bring down any vibes so if i need to go back in my little nook i will sdlkfslkj

you're so sweet to reach out regardless, especially if you're not in the best of moods. that means a lot and i appreciate you as a friend as well as a fellow creator and reader. i guess my brain is being extra mean lately. like.. i've even been so worried that y'all would leave if i'm not creating or posting or answering feedback/asks on the regular like i have been. and i know that's dumb!! like i know that. but it's still a nagging thought and something that's made me sit in quiet pain many nights.

this blog will absolutely, always be safe. that's been my personal mission since day 1, and why i've been quieter (in order to keep y'all away from whatever i'm going through. i'll get over it with time just like all the other times it's happened.) your words do mean the world to me, and i am trying so damn hard to fight them off. all i ask is for y'all to be patient if it takes a little bit of time.

[slutnali]

Ask game not from an ask game, but could you ramble a bit on Jaida? I just kinda love her a lot and need someone as equally insane to talk about her.

ooohhhh Jaidaaaa !!!! im gonna have to put this under a read more bc its longgg and I could just go on about my beloved !!! also i wanna preface this by saying this is al over the place

I didn't watch s12 as it was airing [I hadn't watched s11 either, i stopped watching DR for a while] but I was still following all the ru girls from seasons I had watched, dr official accounts + dr meme accounts.. but anyway, as soon as the DR official IG page posted the 'swipe to see the s12 winner' and I swiped bc I am nosey even if by that point I had only known about the drama in the s12 cast.. but as soon as I saw Jaida it was love at first sight fr

I went to her IG and looked through all of her photos, she was so beautiful I had to watch drag race solely because of her.. I binge-watched s11 to get to s12 [dont ask me why, thats just my brain.. if I was gonna watch i had to be all caught up lmao] but I fell in love even more with her watching the season and all of her IG lives that'd been uploaded to youtube.

So ofc as someone who has been on tumblr for years and participated in the dr stan tumblr community from s8-as4?, I had to come back to my roots and created this sideblog.. I thought I'd find other ppl as obsessed with Jaida as I was but honestly.. at that time it was just me and a handful of others I quickly became mutuals with.. her tumblr tag wasn't as up to date/active so I would constantly be one of the few always reposting her stuff onto the tags.. pictures, videos from her performances, clips from lives, anything and everything bc people had to see how beautiful and funny she was. almost like i was determined for people to see what i saw in her eorngerif which might sound insane but anywayyyy

Getting back into reading dr fics was a bummer that she was mostly a background character but I get it from a shipping standpoint too.. it was all about crygi & jankie as those were the ships with the most content and traction. I would read fics because she was listed as a background character or halldoll was a bg ship even if I wasn't interested in crygi which was 9 times out of 10 the main story..

I could also get into a halldoll ramble but to not let this get longer than what it is, the few people that would write that ship are top tier, honestly. I do have a list of halldoll fic recs somewhere on this blog but those are the few people that in my opinion, capture jaida well and do her justice.

She's so gorgeous it's intimidating but she's one of the most silliest and charismatic bitches out there.. she's a sagittarius (one of the only good ones 😪) there are just so many things to love about her, and I think her personality shined more in as7 than it did in s12.. I mean that in a 'other fans finally realized that' type of way

also thanks for sending in this ask!

[nerice]

ask meme: even numbers >:3

CATCHING UP ON ASK GAMES on this fine 1:18 am >:3

2, if you gave an in depth description of your story to someone who was not all the way paying attention, what would their takeaway be?

the takeaway is that i'd stop talking the second it seems sb is not paying attention lmao but i guess the cliffnotes is [standing in front of conspiracy board] hot evil girls (unkillable) also moons something is up with them moons

4, what would you say is the message, if there is one.

alright finally deigning this with a serious answer. there is no big msg no grand takeaway, just the mess of the struggle & trying to make it thru when life is cruel and unjust and sometimes there's light at the end of the tunnel and other times the despair wins. sometimes the despair is chosen and it's a self-righteous thing and at the end of the day it's about knowing what's best for yourself and the life you want to live, despite (all the despites) and sometimes it is about the catharsis of giving up when it's all too much ;-;

6, speaking of tv adaptations, why would yours get cancelled? (other than capitalism)

ive seen the twinks people wanna cast for holland shadesofmagic i am not letting irl casting be done so this never gets made because animation is too expensive (shoutout to hair, my ocs have a lot of it) w otherwise for all the same reasons down in #18

8, what inspired your world building, if anything?

moon emphasis is definitely a sailor moon worm + a lot of contamination from waverunners [german pirate series] eldritch ocean mare tenebrosum merged with some old recurring fever dream imagery for the invisible moon. also EXTREMELY early kyoani/key shows (air+kanon) for sponsoring how my visual imagination works & the tragedy/wings/dream thematics <3

10, if your story is titled, why did you choose that title?

ok fun anecdote time again in lieu of going thru all 2389 stories individually so. shadow revenge is the book i started out with and always had that title, and when conceptualizing the other two books for the trilogy i wanted to keep a similar naming scheme (starting with s + double noun) so originally they were

schattenrache (shadow revenge)

seelentraum (soul delusion, to grade 8 me, but lit. 'soul dream')

sanduhrmelodie (sandglass melody)

the last one is esp fun bc i was just groping in the dark for a title to fit the scheme & only from there worked out it was abt linn's melody nd all that biz lmao but u can see the influence that later made soul plot big before i switched to 'dream game' for the middle one bc i always LOATHED 'soul delusion' as a title f. (the german one fucks quite well tbh) so much of my finickiness is needing to make things work in 2 languages OTL

12, okay be honest. pick a favorite oc from this ocverse.

there is no competition like, at all. 🐇

14, whats your favorite part of this story/project?

interconnected story hell !!!!!!! i don't think i'll ever write anything else i'll never have a story that does not plug into the larger verse somehow (valiant attempts by my short story profs but vertebrae inventory / touching fire / let sleeping gods die all got folded back into side content ww) nothing gets my brain going like the layers upon layers of history and thrulines and transposing it into different settings or formats. i will never get tired of it. i was put on this earth to do exactly this and i hope i will get to do it for a long time still <(/)3

16, imagine the entire story takes place but in the meantime the characters all also have tumblr. what kind of (terrible) tumblr posts would happen?

answered! but as a bonus i am entirely sure that eliada would get the most mileage out of that setup until he gets doxxed by alissa. send tweet

18, what aspect of the story would get you #canceled on twitter?

glorifying self harm and suicide, teenagers fucking raw onscreen, every #linneacore moment. also cancelling myself over the existence of amasa i deserve it what the fuck

20, your ocverse just got a movie trilogy a la hunger games style. how have they horribly mangled your message/theme so that the movies are now a showcase of what the original was condemning?

OH FOR SURE none of the ugly parts or disk horse worthy content (see above) stay intact, sj is a romance now, gr*y actually dies and probably feels a little bad about what he has done, every suicide gets some noble circumstances attached to it esp faye who gets shafted into the typical time traveling savior role instead of coldhearted pragmatism for her own end. i am mad just thinking abt it thanks <3

22, you have been given unlimited funds to make two adaptations of some sort, however you cannot make any other adaptations of any other sort. which two formats do you choose?

(i am not handing any point of production over to anyone else but i am using the unlimited funds to devote myself to realizing these full-time) comics and animation! i am not interested in anything else

24, best scene you've written?

my writing is no doubt at its best when i'm writing soulless torture / rabbit hell but that is. premium tier locked patreon content; as far as fav scenes go my top three are probably

qs life pledges [THEY WIN !]

the original black swan masked ball piece. changed the course of history & my entire writing career

jumie/sky conversation after [redacted]s death. we cannot elaborate it's too much for my heart, agh!

[lies down both metaphorically and irl] goodnight thanks for playing!!

[taintedlxve]

Wild that this was posted when I wasn't around to defend myself. Apologies to the person who sent me this I feel like they were trying to reassure me but all it did was make me mad lol.

Anyways, I'm mentally ill and reading this shit kind of fucked up my day and since I just can't let shit go without correcting the record I'm just gonna go over some things rq and go back to my hiatus. You don't gotta read, but I was called a liar repeatedly and I'm not gonna let that sit.

A lot of Awoo's post screams out to me as "i'm taking accountability but not really" and I just want to point out places where I feel she's being disengenuous and go back to my hiatus bc I had a good vibe going until now lmao.

I'm skipping the really long explanation about why she never followed me, frankly as I've said before my problems with her extend past that entirely and at this point I don't think it matters that much.

I'll just say this, we had a private conversation in which I made it expressly clear it was okay to come to me about something if she felt she had a problem the LAST time she blocked me for no reason (to be clear to this day I don't know what the hell I was supposed to be sorry for?) after I decided to just unfollow her from her breedingacademy sideblog bc she was replying to other folks' stuff and seemed to just ignore mine. She apologized for this and said she'd do better and I believed her. This, primarily, why I didn't reach out at first.

Further in the post she mentions the vent I wrote that was, in fact, 1000% about her. Ngl I forgot I even wrote it and was surprised by how recently it was. I dunno if I'm really sorry about what I said, it's how I felt at the time and just given the context of how I've allowed you to treat me I simply don't trust you like that anymore.

To be clear I had a LOT of dropped threads at the time or wasn't getting responses at all and that was actively fucking with me and making me wanna quit entirely, but Awoo's behavior stuck with me bc she was one of the few whose responses flooded my dash and I just wouldn't be included. Not saying she's lying but frankly frankly even if it was true Idk what to tell you cause that wasn't the reason she gave at the time.

You very much did say "it's nobody's fault" and "my brain works differently" since you're accusing me of malicously taking you out of context and/or misremembering, but unfortunately I can't access the reply in the image attached bc it's been removed. I'll link it here, maybe something's fucky with my tumblr, I thought it might have been from the blog she ended up deleting but nah it takes me back to her current so -shrug-.

To go into further explanation about what she said (bc obviously I wasn't going to commit a post to photgraphic memory in a vent post) it was something to the effect of "sorry, that's just not how my brain works. once you tell me you're tired of something my brain just labels it as 'avoid at all costs'. It's nobody's fault but…" etc. etc.

She mentions she's autistic, which, I know?? She's mentioned it several times over the last 10 years. Most of my friends are neurodivergent with needs unmet. I'm autistic and soon to be tested for ADHD with needs unmet. I understand that life and socialization is extremely difficult for neurodivergent people.

My partner literally has avpd but she understands that ignoring people bc they make her anxious hurts those people and she takes steps to do what she's able to to circumvent those obstacles bc she cares about those people. I'm really over this self-infantilization people leap to to avoid being criticized the negatives things done because of their neurodivergence. Reminds me of when Sara would beef with everyone on dash and say 'Oh it's my depression'.

And it's not like you were unable to communicate. When I said I was playing fem!Izuku is like the ONLY time I've ever had you reach out to me in my DMs unprompted

Sure, maybe I missed the point of your callout post, whatever, but the point of my message was literally all I've ever asked of you was like, to talk to me and you blocked me without communicating again. The diff is I'm just over being gaslit into being nice and feeling like it's my fault.

You trying to push the responsibility back onto me with a "Oh well she never asked if she had a problem with me" in spite of the fact that I went SO far out of my way to accommodate you to the point of giving you different Cyr icons bc you were squicked out by hair covering eyes just puts the nastiest fucking taste in my mouth and it makes me mad tbh.

I cannot stress how much I'm always the one people expect to make the first move and how sick of it I am, that's why I didn't come to you. I'm not a 'coward', I just was done bowing and scraping for people who didn't like me.

If you cared, you had my discord, and it wasn't like I blocked you first. You had ways of contacting me, and you didn't. So the rigamarole of you 'being worried for me' just doesn't pass my smell test, sorry.

Maybe it does make me hypocrite to smell bs when I see it but it definitely doesn't make me gullible.

The rest is just her demanding an apology from me (nah, you first bitch) but, and I wanna be explicitly clear, the feeling is very mutual, I want nothing to do with this chick.

I wanna be very clear that the end result of this was never to rebuild a friendship with Awoo bc again, once she blocked me I realized this wasn't even the bulk of my problem with her, it was the last straw.

I'm don't wanna be friends with someone who publically calls me me disengenuous and makes me feel so bad I end up apologizing.

Or, again, someone who blocks me when I just say "oh, this person doesn't seem to want to interact on this sideblog so I'll just unfollow"

Maybe you're not like that anymore, or your neurodivergence makes you that way, but I just don't want people like that in my life anymore, and I'm done letting people make me feel small for standing up for myself.

I'll cop to calling you a bad person and saying you hate me bc a lot of that was me being in my feelings and I'm not a mind reader, nor do I know you well enough outside of the internet to make these claims.

But as much as you've tried to victimize yourself I 1000% stand by what I said before, I hope you don't treat you muts as shitty as you treated me.

Thank you for confirming tho that you're not sorry I think helps to know

[frostbite-the-bat]

rambley post idk lol

NOTING STUFF TO MYSELF BC IM TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THE APPROX DATE WHEN GUZMA BECAME MY NAME IN 2018. THIS IS PERSONAL SO DONT MIND IT IM LIKE INVESTIGATING STUFF USING ONLY STUFF I SENT IN MY OLD PERSONAL DISCORD SERVER BC ALL THE OTHER SERVERS I WAS IN AT THE TIME R GONE... anyways!! this goes into other Guzma Lore As Well because I Have Bad Memory And I Like Looking Back At What I Used To Do

around in 2018, july, when i was on vacation...i was... NOT WELL! MENTALLY! AT ALL! LOWKEY DEPRESSED AS SHIT THERE! a lot of my uh.. past "drama" happened around that time, if you know what i mean. cough... and other than THOSE people i had... not many people to talk to so i said fuck it lets join a furry server! coz yknow im a Furry. (bad idea but whatever)

but WELL a few days BEFORE THAT i? randomly got hyperfixated on team skull/guzma during my general pokemon fixation? i changed my name to guzma for a joke and because i liked him a lot and some of my friends changed their name and icons to "grunt A" "grunt B" "grunt C" and so on. we memed around a bit and i kept this name - and then i joined the furry server. i began talking there a lot i mean i had literally almost 2k messages there in one day i did not leave the room we were staying at all i did that day was chat there and use the pokemon bot there.

thanks to these cool people i met... the name guzma just STUCK. without that server and without those people guzma wouldn't be solidified as my (at least online) name. and WELL. this was even before me accepting myself as trans and nonbinary so LMFAO.

and well i am not sure WHEN i joined the server but i spammed a bunch of team skull memes i stole from tumblr (i wasnt even active here?? im sure the acc i used back then is looong deleted also.) onto that discord server. that was july 17th. but im not sure if that was the date i set guzma as my name for the first time - just my brain rot starting. and i already had some icon edits by the 26th - so i began the inside joke around that time, i assume? not sure? which means i set my name that way there already? LIKE. BY THAT TIME I WAS ALSO DRAWING MYSELF IN GUZMA'S OUTFIT AND SUCH. LIKE. c'mon...

AND! OFFICIALLY BY THE 29TH!! I sent the icon i would use that i KNOW i used on the server a 100%. like when my name got solidified. wouldnt be it without it. so like.. i always say the day is the 29th even if i set the name guzma a while before that... its hard to SAY but i always just say that like... july/august is the Guzma Anniversary.

i know this Heavy Guzma Brainrot also went thru the entire august. then i got into... detroit become human??? then gorillaz which laster 2 whole years. which lead to the creation of this blog. and then its deletion. and then its recreation. yeah. but at that point i was just Guzma.

fun fact, this was like? my first post on my old blog in 2018. i wonder if its still reblogged somewhere on an old gorillaz blog despite my old blog being gone.

not sure why people rbd this its not funny

anyways also speaking of which. wanna know how i used to draw MYSELF. i cant draw myself as Human anymore thats Not Me The Guz Beast but PLEASE LOOK

you can smell the gender identity crisis from them so badly

[ladyimaginarium]

❌i& mean. we& post a lot about plurality, yeah, bc it. yknow. affects our& personal life on every scale, but we& also post about pretty much anything.

✅well. duh. we& have trauma since for pretty much as long as we& can remember; we& have a lot of protectors. this isn't all sunshine & rainbows & fun & games.

➖not necessarily all gay persay although we& do have a handful of vincians & lesbians, but all of us& are queer in some way shape or form. except like. the very, very young littles who don't really have a grasp on stuff like that. only a few of us& actually use neopronouns.

❌we& never once dyed our& hair completely, only w/ blonde streaks & that was before our& syscovery so that doesn't count imo. BUT we& do have a wig coming in the mail & we& hope to get others in the future for us&. so. lmao

➖i& mean. we& have bangs & medium length hair that i& plan on growing out for cultural reasons. idk why that would be a sign of a fake system lmao.

✅well. yeah. a LOT but not all of our& system members are fictives. likely due to a mixture of autism, adhd, special interests & hyperfixations combined w/ almost always being on edge due to hypervigilance. we& split very easily. we& have trauma. shit happens. so why wouldn't we& introject them?

❌we've& only been fakeclaimed a few times online but it happens even more in the outerworld offscreen including my& own ignorant family & a stupid ass social worker but im& professionally diagnosed w/ usdd & medically recognized as a did system for the time being after asking for an evaluation for years so uh. yeah. they all can lick my& neck, my& back & lick my& pussy & my& crack idgaf. it's my& brain not theirs.

✅yeah, we& use sign-offs & emojis on discord & tumblr & use pluralkit.

✅that's Colt&. probably others im& missing but we're& brainfoggy atm but he's& the first that came to mind. he's& traumatized. leave my& boy outta this.

❌we& can't apply makeup except lipstick to save our& lives lmao i& wish tho.

✅lmfao funny storytime. when we& were getting vaxxed last year, this nurse thought i& was like 12-14 & spoke to me& in this lil baby voice & it was so wack. my& mom says i& look 16. i'm& chronologically 22. heuheuheue doug moment.

❌i& mean we've& yet to use tiktok but sometimes i& talk about random things about shit that happened in the headspace. like. what. yall only want us& to be miserable & just talk about how depressing life w/ our& symptoms are bc apparently systems can never be happy?? lmao

✅we& were using discord for years before our& syscovery & a lot of ppl use discord so. still working on a carrd but procrastination is a bitch.

❌no lmfao

❌we're& professionally diagnosed so. lmfao

✅most of us& don't, but very few do; we& always make sure to translate it, though, if it effects screenreaders.

❌no, no & no. i& have no intentions of going into any of these fandoms to begin w/. & even then, leave introjects from popular media alone like jfc lmfao

❌we& don't go near fakeclaimers or exclusionists w/ a 10 foot pole, & we& do our& best to be kind w/ everyone & tend to not wanna get into drama or arguments on social media for our& own mental health. so no.

❌we& do our& best to practice system responsibility both individually & collectively. that doesn't always mean system responsibility has to be delivered in a nice way especially if the other person is literally just ignoring us& collectively or just saying/doing nasty shit, if you're a dick to us& we're& not giving you special treatment bc we're& a system. obviously, i'm& not saying don't take responsibility by knowing that someone could've been there to halt the process or don't apologize on xyz's behalf when they're not around but still. yeah, we& could apologize for not being able to prevent something from being said or happening and we're& inherently tied together because we're& in the same body, but we're& entirely separate people. if you have a problem with a specific system member, talk to that system member, don't run around acting like it was every single one of us that said/did smth. & none of us& are a pos so.

❌why would we& do that lmao tbh idk what it is in the did community specifically or just the overall plurality community as a whole to like record a switch & make it look like a spectacle or smth but like. singlets are all over that shit for some reason. it's wild. we've& never really recorded ourselves&, either, also bc our& video camera on our& phone is meh & most of the time our& switches are very covert, sometimes even i& have trouble knowing if we& switched & even if we& did it's nobody's business.

➖we're& a multigenic system w/ did ( medically recognized ) / udd ( professionally dxed ). yes, we're& a multigenic/mixed origins system w/ disordered aspects like dealing w/ amnesia, identity issues, dissociation, & the comorbid c-ptsd, etc. yes, we& exist. some of our& system members are formed by origins other than trauma or stress such as neurodivergence, cultural, spiritual or magickal practices. naturally, we& respect nontraumagenic systems.

Tw // Fakeclaiming

Saw this and saw some other systems answering so we want to too! (Note, we don't have DID, but in the case of Sysmeds they interchangeably use DID and System as the same thing)

❌ we post about our interests a lot.

✅ They describe our system members' roles easily, so why not?

❌ We have a few cishet people, and I think only a couple use neopronouns.

❌ We have never dyed our hair.

❌ Our hair is just past our shoulders and we have a regular middle part, our fringe just frames our face a lil.

✅ We get new Headmates often in times of stress, and if we have a character who brings us great comfort, why wouldn't we introject them?

❌ We've actually never been fakeclaimed. We've been posted on r/systemscringe twice I believe, but one was because of an inside joke that the poster took seriously, and I honestly can't remember the other one 💀. Not once did they say we were fake. One person did comment "out of all the star wars characters why introject Ezra Bridger" which was. Something.

➖ We do if we're talking about system experiences. We often forget on here. While talking to people on discord we often use pk. It's so people know what they can and can't talk about i.e Don't talk Abt Belos around Hunter, Don't talk about the Kraang around me(Leon) etc. Also I'd like to sign off because I use they/he and hate She Pronouns, whereas some people use He/She and hate They pronouns.

❌ I don't think so? Most of us are super outgoing. The most "edgy" I can think of is Hunter but he's just traumatised.

❌ Never worn eyeliner

✅ Yeah? We are under 18. Minors can be systems!

➖ We don't talk about how we interact a lot. We have a couple times but we don't see any point.

➖ Don't a lot of people use discord? Also no! We have a carrd but we prefer Rentry.

❌ We talk about being plural a lot because it's a massive part of who we are but sometimes we just wanna talk about tmnt or the owl house or star wars.

❌ We don't want to be diagnosed with DID, because we do not have it.

❌ Typing quirks are difficult for us to read and understand, why would we do that to ourselves? Yuno types in italics but only because he likes how it looks, and Evelyn puts ᓚᘏᗢ before her messages because she likes cats.

❌ We don't have any of them. Our most introjected media currently is Rottmnt.

❌ We'd be happy to educate them and if they started getting aggressive we would simply block them.

❌ Headmates who are aggressive and/or would cause distress to other people do not interact on social media, and we strongly believe in system responsibility.

❌ We don't record ourselves ever, and our switches are very small and unnoticeable.

➖ We are Praesigenic. We will not say if we are Traumagenic or Endogenic, although we do completely support Endo Systems.

Overall we relate to only 3 of these things.

Note: Even if you relate to all of these things, or none of these things, that does not mean you are faking. Plurality is different for everyone and as long as you say you are a system, you are a system. <3

[florenceisfalling]

is this ordeal with dream making you reassess rpf fandoms in general or anything?

edit i realize i went on a mostly irrelevant tangent bc of my posts where i said ive always disliked the dsmp fandom, but if you were wondering Solely because of the allegations, no. stanning a real person always comes at a risk and while it sucks when things go awry i do think i'm normal Enough about my parasocial behaviors that i'll be fine mentally regardless of the outcome and will leave if i must. ok now onto the rest of the post

oh i'm ok discussing the community, just not like. the details of the allegations.

and the answer is: not particularly. the dsmp fandom is a pretty unique case, not in terms of content (i dont wanna sound like the kinda person who thinks minecraft rp is new) but in terms of community.

this is not to say that other fandoms surrounding real people are better, much less perfect, but they're definitely a more comfortable thing for me.

for one, i've seen a lot of people having the dsmp as a "baby's first fandom" sort of moment. i think this is because its something really popular that is harder to enjoy passively - while you can watch stranger things with your family and get the whole experience just by watching the show, with the dsmp you need to keep up with cc twitter pages and stuff to be fully in-the-loop, and this leads into fandom pretty easily. this means you have a lot of people going around getting into their very first discourse All At Once. and people who get Really attached to one thing and feel lost when suddenly the fandom they literally learned to draw/write/etc for goes quiet.

for two, the dsmp is a category that is broad as hell. its not like i watch all the ccs. i think that would probably make my brain melt from my ears. but when you have a category that is Broad As Johnny Bravo's Shoulders, its more like a million little fandoms than one big one, and they all overlap but don't really Share A Space. u can like someone's tubbo fanart and then see in their bio that they like, have a really strong vendetta against quackity or something. or vice versa. you also have a lot of shit to keep up with, which is simply too much for me. i will continue just having like. three dudes to think abt from now on rather than 30

thirdly, the thing Above about there being so many ccs does make the fandom more Baffling for everybody, and the community seemed to repeatedly add to that. i am not going to be like "hari and every popular blogger is evil! what about people who ARENT popular >:(" bc that is downright ridiculous, but think abt stuff like duo names, oddly specific tags, referring to ppl solely by nicknames, spreading conversation back and forth between multiple social media sites rather than just tumblr, etc - all of those things had a purpose and were perfectly fine (anyone who tells you that you must refer to your friends by username only just to make Their online experience more accessible is an idiot) but they did make things tricky for newcomers. friend groups aren't inherently cliques, but some of the ppl ive seen claiming that its "super easy to pop in and join no problem!" are the Exact folks ive seen unintentionally exclude others. again, not a moral failing, just a consequence of What Its Like in the fandom, especially to people who havent been around forever. and if you don't like a popular blogger youre kinda fucked bc they're everywhere- like can u imagine if there were Multiple clones of isa in the jse fandom, and they were like. your Only window into updates and shit etc etc? not to compare isa to anybody else. sorry to anybody who feels like theyre being compared to isa even if u dont know who that is. sorry

there's also an age difference in the fanbase And in the content creators. some of my favorite fic writers in the jse fandom are young, but some are also literally in their 30s with children and jobs. meanwhile a significant number of ppl in the dsmp fanbase making art n posting hot takes n stuff are under 17. particularly with tommy, ranboo, etc. and when so many of the streamers themselves are young, it can cause Problems - a lot of the adult ccs are at my college level, peak time for stupid behavior. not to mention,,, when you look at the jse/markiplier fandoms and see a fan being really sexual, its just like, "oh, maybe this is a little weird, but relatively harmless as long as they aren't being invasive about it." when you look into the fandom of a youtuber who isn't even old enough to vote yet, and see a fan being really sexual, it's more of a "holy shit that is predatory and fucking disgusting" moment.

^ continuing off of that, or at least the cc ages, their fame skyrocketed after a much shorter time than a lot of other creators. they did not have a normal adjustment period to being fucking everywhere. i'm not even one of them, and i didn't have a normal adjustment period to seeing them everywhere. older ccs with more professional stuff going on don't make the same mistakes as the newer folks. they know when to step away, too - as much as i wish jack was back on tumblr due to the theory content here, i also get why he's gone and understand that the environment would be Shaken tf up by his return.

having them be such a trend also meant that while the fandom is big, the anti-fandom is just as prevalent. in the jse fandom we have blue and their pals (yikes!), as well as a group of people that have generally negative feelings towards sean but are normal about it. we do not have entire communities dedicated to stalking him for "crit" and the amount of people speculating on his personal relationships have pretty much dwindled. we don't have people casually dropping his address and information about his family every time they meme about him. i can talk about watching jack and mark around ppl ive never met without starting off with a disclaimer! in fact, i frequently have to do the opposite with jack and mark, because their discourse is so Out Of Sight from the majority these days that some people just fucking ignore their friendship with pdp or past transmisogynistic jokes or etc etc etc. literally see ppl calling them "unproblematic kings!" every 2 seconds and gotta be like what the Fuck are you talking about

u also have the fact that the dsmp fandom became Such an ordeal during a really shitty time of fandom discourse in general. while people arent like going batshit insane over steven universe or whatever so much anymore, the moral arguments about fiction right now are hell on earth. it is pedophilia to watch cartoons and abuse apologism to think a character who was mean one time is interesting and if you are personally attached to a character then your feelings can just override canon in theory discussions. literally the worst time for anyone to be in a fandom regarding very morally/politically funky roleplay. as evidence i present whomever the fuck thought up the idea of posting proship discourse on r/dwt2

lastly i am far more invested in the egos as far as hyperfixating goes rather than the actual creators (as much as i love them) and would have zero problem just taking anti and making him My Own Guy (considering ive already basically done that) in the case that jack. idk. killed someone and was promptly cancelled on twitter for murder.

so yeah no. my deepseated hatred of the fandom in general (despite my love for much of the art and the wonderful people ive met) does not extend to all real person fandoms

[anti-dazai-blog]

hi I’m ur biggest fan & you’re doing god’s work we love to see it. I think dazai’s a rlly well-written character too but wow is it under-acknowledged that he’s a plain asshole! I mean the author even says as much outright. which makes his foil w dostoevksy as compelling as it is, bc they basically have the same morals & methods but different ambitions! dostoevksy has *ideology* where dazai doesn’t, & that’s what makes him the villain imho. “even iago was a little lamb” etc etc. oh & have u written abt the way he set akutagawa & atsushi up to hate each other?

HI ANON I’M GLAD YOU’RE ENJOYING MY BLOG!!

[this whole thing’s gonna be very ramble-y since I really don’t have the time to organize my thoughts. so. here are my unedited thoughts- aka a quick little look inside my brain and thought process.]

This ask has made me look up where the quote “even Iago was a little lamb” is from, and now I’m down the rabbit hole of the philosophy of morality—

Dazai and Dostoyevsky are excellent reflections of each other’s morality.

As far as I see it, there are two primary factors in the moral issues of People Doing Bad Things:

How aware or unaware they are that what they’re doing is Wrong

and 2. How much of a reason or justification they have for doing what they’re doing.

Dazai and Dostoyevsky are great foils for many, many reason— but one reason I’d like to bring up is how I cannot confidently answer to either of those points in regards to either of them.

Let’s start with Dostoyevsky. Is he aware that what he’s doing is Bad, and does he have a reason or justification for doing it? [Full Disclosure, I’m not up-to-date with the manga, so anything I say here will be based off of what I see written about him all over tumblr]. What we know about Dostoyevsky is that he wants to get rid of ability users (or maybe just the existence of abilities?) Either way, if I were him, I’d view Dazai as either above my great and epic ruling that All Ability Users Should Die, since his ability is anti-ability— OR I’d try and recruit Dazai to my side, and see if he could use his ability to make the world a bit more ability-free, day by day.

Imagine it- since he already has Nikolai on his side, and we know that Nikolai can use his ability to teleport Dazai (since it’s affecting the space around him rather than Dazai himself)- imagine if every time someone tried using their ability, they knew that there was a chance that Dazai’s hand can come out of nowhere and nullify it. People would be a lot more hesitant to use their abilities, and gradually people will come to the conclusion that it’s safer for everyone to simply stop using abilities all together.

If I had to take a wild guess, whatever “past” Dazai and Dostoyevsky have has to do with Dostoyevsky seeing him as a solution to his anti-ability users agenda.

I went a bit off-topic there. Back to the question: Is he aware that was he’s doing is Wrong, and does he have reason or justification for doing it?

You’d think it’s obvious- of course he has reason, he wants to get rid of all ability users. I cannot judge if that’s a good or bad reason, since I don’t know his motive behind it. But, is this truly his reason? What have we seen him do so far in the series that was clear action taken towards that goal? As far as I’m aware, all we do is see him show up, kill people, and leave. How does this get rid of ability users? [he wants The Book or something. whatever. half his actions have nothing to do with that.]

It’s not like he’s only harming people with abilities— when he hacked into the control system of the Moby Dick and tried to crash it on Yokohama, he would be wiping out an entire city, only a small fraction of which is ability users. When he killed Karma, he was just killing Some Guy. Why did he do that? Additionally, he was acting like he’s doing some sort of good deed by killing him. So if he considers killing Some Guy good, then I’m really not sure what his end goal is here, or if his “I wanna get rid of ability users” thing is true.

And is he aware that what he’s doing is wrong? He comes across as someone who views himself as a necessary evil, or a tragic hero- or maybe something in between those two. That exactly borders the lines of aware and unaware— he thinks “I’m doing something bad, but it’s for a good cause,. so it’s actually good”.

And onto Dazai—

Is he aware that he’s The Worst?

Well I don’t think he’s unaware- he knows well what type of person he is. But he also has this attitude of “I know what’s best for everyone, and I can make decisions regarding the lives of those around me because I’m so much more intelligent, and if they were left on their own they’d suffer more than if I interfered.” You can see this attitude clearly in his treatment of Atsushi and Akutagawa, but to get into that I’d have to write a whole essay. The quick and easy example of this is Chuuya with the Sheep. He causes the Sheep to turn against Chuuya, and he thinks to himself “they were just using him. He was too stupid to realize that on his own. They would have disposed of him once he wasn’t useful to them anyway. It’s a good thing I’m here to make things right in the world”.

This isn’t the attitude of someone with the self-awareness to realize he’s doing something wrong. This is the thought process of someone who genuinely believes that they’re doing something that’s more good than bad. He, just like Dostoyevsky, believes himself to be a necessary evil.

And does Dazai have a reason or justification for what he’s doing? He acts in a way that makes it seem like he’s destroying people’s lives and sanities blindly. And many times, he’s doing this just to amuse himself. But we cannot overlook that many times he has some sort of side motive. Even looking at a petty example from the last post I made (regarding the opening scene of chapter 3)— here he convinces the group to play a game where the sole purpose was to make Kunikida uncomfortable— but can we truly say that in some back corner of his mind he didn’t have some thought process of “It’s unhealthy for Kunikida to act so secretive about his past; if he talks more about it, he’ll become more comfortable with it, and probably gain more self-confidence”.

Again, this circles back to Dazai’s habit of assuming he knows what’s best for everyone, and I won’t deny that Dazai cares about the people in the agency and probably wouldn’t intentionally put them in serious danger. I wouldn’t be overly surprised if it turns out that Dazai was thinking something like that during the game in chapter 3 (of course his primary goal was still self-amusement, but having a secondary goal of assuming it would be best for Kunikida isn’t out of character, considering everything we know about him).

So Dazai, like Dostoyevsky, has questionable and/or unclear reasons for doing what he’s doing.

So why is Dazai “good” (he’s not) and Dostoyevsky “bad”?

It’s entirely determined by what sides they’re on. That’s one thing I find very interesting in BSD. Who’s “good” and who’s “bad” is entirely determined by what sides people are on. There’s this one line that Steinbeck says when capturing Naomi— it was something like “I have a little sister at home who I’d do anything to protect, and I’m doing this right now to protect her.” Minutes later, Tanizaki shows up and attacks Steinbeck for the same reason Steinbeck was attacking Naomi— to protect his sister. The difference between the two of them is that Tanizaki’s with the agency while Steinbeck is with the Guild.

And regarding the rest of the Guild— none of them seem outright evil. All of them have their reasons for doing what they’re doing, and all of their reasons seem good. They aren’t bad people, they’re simply people doing what it takes to survive, or what it takes to protect their loved ones.

The same can be said about most of the mafia. Many of them didn’t join on their own free will— the closest we get to that is Kyoka, who join for the purpose of seeking out Akutagawa to kill her, as a way to get rid of Demon Snow and avenge her parents. People don’t join the mafia because they’re evil and they like hunting people for sport, they join because they have absolutely no other option. The Port Mafia is a last resort sort of place.

The only thing dividing the good people from the bad people is the name of the place they work at. Which leaves the audience to make judgements of morality on their own, since BSD isn’t going to go and tell you “Here at Heros INC. we have our heros! And here at Evil Corporation we have our villains!”

ANYWAY ON TO THE SECOND POINT YOU MENTIONED

Oh yeah he definitely sets up Atsushi and Akutagawa to hate each other. In so many ways. I haven’t written about this yet because I’m going in order of the chapters, and at the point the anti-dazai series is up to now, Akutagawa hasn’t even been introduced. But Oh Boy When I get up to Akutagawa content, you’ll see— I’ll tell everyone all about how Dazai just wants to replicated soukoku’s dynamic, with no regards to if it’ll work, and no regards to if he should.

He’s so set on the fact that his and Chuuya’s partnership was relatively successful the way it was, and he never stops to consider if the partnership could have been better if they actually got along. He’s so set on replicating an unhealthy and dysfunctional dynamic, and he believes wholeheartedly that their success came from their hatred of each other rather from his own strategies and Chuuya’s strength and commitment to their missions.

Which is why Shin Soukoku is, realistically speaking, not going to work as a duo— or at least not nearly as well as Soukoku. If they resolve their issues they definitely have a higher chance than if they don’t. And as it is, they definitely have a higher chance of forming a solid friendship than Dazai and Chuuya ever would (namely because Dazai is one half of ”Dazai and Chuuya”.)

Can’t wait for further into the Anti-Dazai Series when I get to discuss Akutagawa, and how literally everything wrong in his life is Dazai’s fault.

[kithtaehyung]

Was gonna do this in order of how offended I am but it’s really hard to choose…so this is just in order of how I saw them 😐

1) Him tracing ily on her skin 😭 why did my brain immediately think of him doing this before he has built up the courage to say it out loud, like he can’t say it out loud yet but he’s bursting at the seams so he just- ✋🏽😭

2) I was expecting the 3tan yoongi violence but this cannot be tolerated 😐😐😐😐😐 #1 post I’m mad about as of rn. This Tae is illegal 😭😭😭😭 (spoiler alert: it gets worse 😭)

3) Lmao no but Ryensuela for the Nicholasname 😂☠️ (I am still partial to when I see people call you Ryen Kith Taehyung in all caps, it makes me giggle every time). Didn’t have a particular post to tag for this, just know I thoroughly enjoyed seeing people try to lengthen your name 😂 nicknames are my fave.

4) Sad I missed this ask game but the ones asked were so good 😂😭 (wish there were more sneaky 3tan bro and jk ones but it was still a good mix 👀)

5) I’m sorry wut is this 😐 this is going pretty high on the list. You teasing a Netflix and chill 3tan drabble and bros identity? 🤨

6) I- 😐😐😐😐 your audacity has reached a peak once again 😭 PEAK I SAY agahsdklggl

7) 😳😳😳 this should be illegal. How dare you throw this out into the world.

8) Nope 🙅🏽‍♀️ Absolutely not. Nopenopenopenope. Nope 😐. If I refuse to acknowledge it did this really happen??? 🫢🫢🫢 I-

9) AND I DIDNT THINK IT COULD GET WORSE THEN IT DID 😭😭😭 RYEN! Explain yourself 😐😭 *aggressively shakes tree* agshdkdlgg

10) 👁👄👁 GET BACK HERE 😭 you and your damn tags IM AT MY WITS END ISTG

11) Not the Wendy’s 😂☠️☠️☠️ I’m sorry…but this is just SO funny to me. After the horny hours too. The timing is UNREAL 😈 not so much fun when you’re not the one being the menace is it (Also having the live in those screenshots is taking me out, his face in them is perfect 😂😂😂☠️)

12) IM SORRY WHAT!!!?????? I missed a whole ass huge spoiler 😳😳😳 (I’ve said it a million times but I’ll say it again, your tags I- asgdjjfkg YOU WANNA FIGHT OR??? What do you mean is it!??? You literally said “highly requested FULL basketball scene coming up” DONT PLAY COY NOW 😭)

13) Okay yeah…I…I have…a lot of…feelings…about this 🙂🙂🙂. This is fine. Everything is…fine 🙂 (AGAIN THE TAGS WE’RE GONNA THROW HANDS)

14) 😐☹️☹️☹️ this was uncalled for, unprovoked and just RUDE

15) ☠️ I’m not even sure I have anything more to say than just 😩😩😩😩

16) Ryen…😐 This…this takes #1…the teaser!!??! Agshhsjfkflg 😐 don’t talk to me….DONT EVEN LOOK AT ME 😭🥴 (wait help I just saw the estimated help date nooooo, you can’t do this to me I’m ✨unprepared✨. THIS IS WHAT YOU MEANT WHEN YOU SAID SOMETHING I HAVENT GOTTEN TO YET. Never been more thankful for a delay in release dates, if I came back to a full ass YOONJIN fic dropped I would have yeeted my phone off a balcony)

17) 😐😐😐😐 uncalled for and unprovoked pt 2 ☹️

18) Last peak of audacity reached…the way you tagged this 🍊🍊🍊…SEE…this is how I knew. Just knew it smh 😐. When I saw you were conveniently releasing 3tan9 visuals on jk’s bday 😒

And on that last note…guys…I’ve been saying this but 3tan jk is gonna be at the release party duh!!!! For how long and what interactions we get 👀 only Ryen knows but IM READY 😈

And this has been ‘what you missed in practically 2 weeks on this godforsaken blog’…hope this puts things in perspective 😐. It was a rollercoaster of emotions let me tell you, 10/10 do not recommend going through it in a short time span…it’s…✨a lot✨ 🥴😂 and you’ve created monsters. We’re all menaces™ 😂

Let’s hope tumblr doesn’t randomly eat this ask bc I lowkey don’t wanna hyperlink everything again 😂🤧

OH MY GOD MIKAYLA LMFAOOOO okay… yeah…. We… don’t have any excuses for what the fck you missed🥴

I was gonna respond to all of these when I realized that it’s much more hilarious to just make a scholarly blanket statement and say “If you’re gonna skip, just know you have a lot of make up work to come back to.”💀💀💀

But seriously, we missed you so much! Definitely would’ve been more screaming involved (and faster justice for Friends!!!) All the tags screaming I am CACKLINGGGG HAHAHAH you know to read the tags!! Always read the tags!! Yoonjin piece is still in the works but I’ve realized that I wanna make it perfect so🤪 Stay fcking tuned.

The theory you have is super interesting so we’ll see what happens in the next parts👀👀