#i usually just incorporate them into fanfic but i saved a lot of chapter references so i figured i would share

[seeyouafter]

SYA Extended Notes Ch. 39-44

Or: Acceptance and healing - some thoughts on Shouto's post-war journey

Notes for "See You After" Chapter 44: August 2: Shouto's Journal - Unsent Letter

I can’t forget what happened but maybe someday I’ll be able to forgive you so that I can put all of it behind me and move on. I don’t know what that means for us or for our family, but I hope that someday I’ll be able to show you that I’m proud of who I’ve become in spite of everything you did.

I originally started typing this up to post with chapter 39 but decided to wait until after this chapter, and Shouto's unsent letter, to share my thoughts on how I imagine he and his family might begin to navigate the healing process.

In essence, I think that a post-war arc for Shouto involves him taking the time to process the things he went through and to decide for himself what he wants to do going forward.

This fic inevitably contains my personal headcanons of what Shouto's healing journey might involve after the war ends. Of course, there are as many interpretations of what "should" happen next as there are readers, but these are a few of my thoughts in relation to "See You After" so far.

Acceptance is the first step

I talked a bit about this in the extended notes for Chapters 10-11, but up until this point, I really don't think Shouto saw what Endeavor did to him as abuse. Even if he knew it on an intellectual level, he probably didn't want to accept it for various reasons. Although he did acknowledge that what his father did to his mom was abuse, when he expresses his anger toward his father, it's always framed around what he did to his mom (and later Touya).

BNHA 192: The Todoroki Family & 249: The Hellish Todoroki Family

One of those reasons probably has something to do with the way Touya revealed Endeavor's abuse of his family, specifically Shouto, very publicly and out of spite toward their father.

BNHA 291: Thanks for Going Strong

Shouto never had a say in the matter and Touya didn't do him any favors. Rather than viewing him with sympathy for being a victim, the public views him with suspicion because of his blood ties to a mass murderer and an abuser. Of course, that's not fair, but that's the cultural context of the society they're living in.

BNHA 325: The Bonds of One for All & BNHA 327: Rest

Guilt, Blame, and Responsibility

Shouto has been the one carrying the burden of his father's mistakes for his entire life, but even moreso since Touya reappeared. Unlike Touya, he blames his father completely, but I don't think Touya is entirely wrong when he says that Rei is guilty too. She's a victim, of course, and most of it was beyond her control, but she agreed to the marriage, knowing what it was. Moreover, it is a parent's responsibility to take care of their children, and she wasn't able to do that. Even though it wasn't her intention and Shouto refuses to blame her for hurting him, there's still a lot to unpack and a lot of trust that needs to be rebuilt.

BNHA 249: The Hellish Todoroki Family & BNHA 302: The wrong way to put out a fire, part 2

Natsuo and Fuyumi's guilt about not being able to do anything was realistic and understandable, but they were also children and it wasn't their responsibility to fix everything, which makes their experiences heartbreaking in a different way. There's a lot for all of them to reconcile on their own and as a family.

Rei showing up at the hospital and meeting Endeavor face to face again took a great deal of courage, and I don't think we can fault her for the things she says. Although it shouldn't be any of the children's responsibility, they do all have to deal with the fallout, which I think was the point she was trying to make here. But once again, the burden fell on Shouto to be their family's hero.

Shouto believes that he has to be strong because he's a hero. And while that's admirable, that mindset is part of the larger problem. So far in canon, we've mostly seen Shouto protecting his mom, not the other way around. And that's part of his character, his foundation as a hero - the way he had the instinct to protect when he was just a child, and his decision to take the first step after the sports festival to reach out and save her.

But it still kills me that their reunion scene in the hospital post PLF war was skipped over just so there could be a big reveal when the family went to confront Enji.

BNHA 298: Sounds of Collapse & BNHA 300: The Hellish Todoroki Family, Part 2

In this scene, Shouto had his hand on Rei's back to support her, meanwhile not once do we see him get a hug or any comforting touch from any of the people who should be there to support him. (A lot of Chapter 39 of "See You After" came from my desire for just that)

Identity and the choice to become a hero

BNHA 39: Todoroki Shouto: Origin

Shouto's fight with Izuku during the sports festival was the start of him reclaiming his identity as his own person, separate from his father, and reaffirming his desire to become a hero on his own terms. Still, the fact that he never really had the choice to try to be anything else is something to consider, especially as we see the rest of the world question the role of heroes and the overall system.

Names are important

BNHA 45: Time to pick some names (+anime ep. 26)

I really love the symbolism of Shouto's hero name. By using his real name, he's essentially refusing to separate his identity as a hero from who he is as a person, which is important because of how he makes a clear distinction between Endeavor (the hero) and Enji (the father). But something that's often lost in translation is Shouto's choice to use the phonetic spelling: ショート instead of the kanji characters: 焦凍 (meaning to burn and to freeze), which I've always interpreted as a statement of his desire to exist as an individual beyond the context of his quirks.

It was hard to convey in this fic because I'm obviously writing it in English, but I wanted to make it clear that he signed the unsent letter as ショート because of what it symbolizes.

I feel like Shouto would probably have a complicated relationship with his given name because Endeavor valued him solely for his quirk. Meanwhile, "Todoroki" is a constant reminder of his family's legacy in the aftermath of Touya's broadcast.

I like to think that even before their conversation during the long phone call at the end of chapter 39, Katsuki understood this on some level. That's why in this fic, even though he rotates through a variety of nicknames (in their earlier letters, he uses a different one each time), he rarely calls Shouto by his last name, unless he's trying to make a point (like in his letter in Chapter 11 and the phone call in Chapter 19).

That's something I leaned into when I started writing the transition to them using each others' given names back during their text conversation in Chapter 36. (Originally, I thought it was going to happen quite a bit later in the story, but writing is a funny thing and characters sometimes have minds of their own.)

[malachi-walker]

Rhythm & Blues Worldbuilding: Magicats

Since I finally got the rock star au up here and I'm working on the next chapter, I thought I'd share some of the worldbuilding ideas I've incorporated or plan to incorporate regarding how a world shaped by hybrids in addition to plain old humans would differ from our own. And since Catra of course is the protagonist along with Adora, it'd behoove me not to start off with the Magicats. ;) Though I do plan on making a post later covering the other kinds of hybrids as well (also for the love of God, crew-ra, please give me names for their individual races so I don't have to come up with shit like "lizard-kin". I'm begging you.)

World building goodness under the cut.

Quick note: although I do draw some indirect inspiration from real world cultures (specifically the clusterfuck that was colonial condescension to anyone who wasn't them) I do deliberately try to avoid taking customs from any real world culture. Because that has... Unfortunate implications. So most of what I discuss here is stuff I came up with on my own, but if something does match up with the real world it is unintentional on my part and feel free to let me know.

Standing with the other races

Out of all the hybrids the Magicats tend to be the most isolationist and closed off to outsiders, partly because they have a very small population size to begin with and partly because they along with the lizard-kin got hit hardest with the animal/predator comparisons. Although the current world has mostly gotten over that bullshit apart from some racists (note: I specifically use the term racist instead of speciest because writing speciest makes my memories of my editing teachers screech in the back of my head, but also because a running theme in the rock star au is that hybrids are still PEOPLE and should be treated as such, and drawing attention to it with words like "species" kinda defeats that purpose.) the average person on the street still doesn't know a whole lot about Magicat culture, and most of what they do know likely comes from old stereotypes or really suspect sources rather than actual Magicats. This is improving as more Magicats make their way into the public sphere and the internet has opened up new pathways for their voices to be heard, but it is still a work in progress.

Biology

General rule of thumb for Magicats for me is finding good middle ground between cat characteristics and people characteristics. Good example is that unlike cats, Magicats can eat chocolate, but too much of it in a short amount of time can build up to toxic levels. There are apps available that let them keep track of how often they can indulge. Same thing with alcohol; alcohol and Magicats is similar to a person with a very mild, non-lifethreatening allergy, i.e. they can get shitfaced very quickly on a comparitively low amount and it takes a bit longer for their body to metabolize out of their system. This is actually based on personal experience with my dad, who only drinks once in a blue moon and is thankfully a very mellow/happy drinker, so watching him get sauced on one-and-a-half rum and cokes is a pretty fun time. XD

Other dietary considerations: they're not complete carnivores, but they do have a greater meat to other food groups proportion than humans. Like sixty-forty percent, and heavy carbs and starches make up the smallest percentage of their diet because it's harder for their digestive system to process. Their front two molars are pointed like a predator's but their back molars are flat like humans'.

Like Catra has demonstrated in show, they possess phenomenal reflexes and agility, as well as heightened senses of smell and hearing--the hearing in particular is their primary dominant sense alongside vision. Speaking of vision, like cats they are red colorblind and shades of yellow are washed out compared to what we would see, but they see the rest of the color spectrum just fine. But like humans, they have a sharper clarity of vision than a cat would and aren't nearsighted.

Oh, and while it probably won't come up in the series itself, they do experience a heat cycle about once per year, but unlike in most fanfics they are still fully in control of their faculties and decision making capabilities. A Magicat in heat is no more likely to be sexually attracted to someone than they would be outside of heat, and it really pisses them off when people imply otherwise. It's kind of like when a human woman has her period but also feels horny. So if they don't want to get with a partner they should be left alone or treated like any loved one dealing with a rough period: patience and warm blankets.

Cultural Stuff

We're getting into the fun stuff now, though some of it will be saved for a future fic where Catra takes the time to learn about her own culture during her three years of homelessness. (Also please note that a lot of these are just general touchstones and actual viewpoints may differ from Magicat to Magicat.)

1. Magicat culture is an interesting mix between interconnectedness and individuality

And by that I mean that as a culture, Magicats do consider themselves to be an interconnected unit and to have a responsibility towards one another to assist as needed. However, they also have an emphasis on the individual as a complete being in and of themselves. This shows up most prominently in interpersonal relationships: unlike humans, who place a great emphasis on things like monogamy and marriage and the solidity of family units, it's not uncommon to see Magicats who are single parents of any gender, or never have kids, or maybe have a lifelong partner but never get formally married. That's because their culture makes it clear that one person is already whole on their own, and while having a partner or family is always nice it's not a requirement. It's up to each individual Magicat to decide what they want out of their lives, and there's usually no judgment whether they decide to get married and have kids or just stay single for their entire lives.

With that said, if a Magicat decides to get formally married (as in making an actual declaration of "this is the person for me") it is a BIG DEAL. Because again, culturally speaking it isn't a requirement, so making that commitment is a huge deal for them, and they often make that permanent. So if a Magicat decides to settle down completely with a partner, they use freeze branding to permanently turn a section of their fur white in a way that look similar to a quarter sleeve tattoo in a very distinct geometric pattern*. That basically tells every other Magicat on sight that this person is wholly dedicated to their chosen beloved. Younger Magicats will also use cold branding to replicate tattoos like other races, but the marriage brand is always distinct, both due to the particular geometric design work and because it is always on their dominant arm, to signify that they are offering their strength to their beloved for the rest of their lives. If their partner is another Magicat they will also get a matching brand, otherwise it depends on the particular race (humans typically get tattoos.)

*My personal mental image of what this resembles is similar to Maori or Pacific Islander forearm tattoos, but not a 100% match because 1) cultural appropriation is gross and 2) the logistical practicalities of doing that via freeze branding would be insane. So that general vibe but simplified. Feel free to flex those imagination muscles.

And before anyone asks... This may or may not come up later in the au. ;) ;) ;)

2. They have certain social rules dealing with other Magicats.

These will be explored in greater depth during the fic, but basically a lot of Magicat etiquette centers around who the other Magicat is to you and stuff like location. For example, they'll typically use honorifics to refer to Magicats who have been teachers to them or assisted them in some way as a show of respect.

The most obvious rule of etiquette to outside observers is that whenever two Magicats meet for the first time and wish to demonstrate respect for each other, the one who approaches the other will come forward slowly until they are just a bit beyond arm's reach. They will then take a half step forward with the leg that corresponds to their dominant hand and then offer that arm to the other. This is the cue for the Magicat being approached to mirror the pose regardless of what their dominant hand is (up until then they will remain in a straight and relaxed position and wait for the signal.) Once this is done, the two will clasp forearms and briefly dip their heads forward into the other's space for a single shared breath before breaking apart. This is a sign that they are now free to move closer to one another and can now interact in a way that is indistinguishable from what outsiders would consider normal conversation between new acquaintances. The purpose of the greeting is for the one approaching to demonstrate their respect for the other and ask to be let into their space; telegraphing which arm they favor symbolizes showing someone a strength of yours and is a sign of trust.

Again, this doesn't apply to all Magicats and the younger generation in particular tends to eschew or pick and choose what etiquette they follow, but in general they do like it when the old traditions are observed, especially by younglings. They don't use this system of etiquette with other races and usually instead adapt their behavior to the person they're interacting with.

Other Misc. Details

I was originally going to have Catra be a motorcycle lesbian because duh, but while doing my due diligence in researching motorcyle safety I ran into a few reasons why that isn't a good idea.

The first is that part of the reason why motorcyle helmets work in the first place is because the evenly curved surface provides an equal distibution of force when striking something. This is why novelty helmets like ones with cat ears or stuff of that type are considered dangerous; they break up that curved surface and thus can't redistribute that force as evenly. So not only would a motorcycle helmet like ours be uncomfortable for a Magicat and disabling to one of their primary senses, trying to design one to accommodate their ears would increase the danger to them in case of an accident.

The second is that I've already established in the au that overheating is a constant concern for Magicats, and proper protective clothing for human motorcyclists already carries a huge risk of overheating us without the added consideration of having fur. So it would be a trade off between solid protection at heavy risk of personal discomfort and overheating or eschewing that protection and increasing the chance of serious injuries. And yeah, Magicats have good enough senses that they could probably backflip or throw themselves clear if they're about to crash, but just getting off the bike isn't gonna do much if you then smack into another vehicle at 60 mph.

And that's kind of a shame, because otherwise Magicats would be ideal safe motorcyclists. Their spacial awareness and sense of balance is phenomenal, and they'd be great at anticipating and reacting the movements of other drivers. I just couldn't make it work with rock star!Catra because she's a lot less reckless. Canon!Catra I could see taking the risk. Don't get me wrong: if you wanna make Catra a sexy, motorcyle riding catgirl you have my full support. I just couldn't justify it in this au.

Honestly, there'll probably be more later, but I'm tapped for now. Would love to hear what if any of you have any thoughts. And of course, if you like what you've read and haven't already, check out my rock star au under the Rhythm & Blues tag or the masterpost list. ;)

[makiema]

Hello! What makes you ship Levi and Eren? (always curious about how people get into ereri)

Hi there, anon! I wish I could’ve answered this briefly but you’ve asked me something that I could honestly ramble on about forever. I’d try to be precise but I’m afraid it’d still be quite long because I don’t have the time to summarise, so bear withe me please >.

Okay so first of all, I used to be more into Eremika than Ereri in the beginning and the precious Eremika moment from Chapter 50 owned my heart. Back then the 13 y/o me didn’t get shit about Levi and Eren’s platonic canon relationship. But the popularity of Ereri was overwhelming and even though they were far from being my OTP I still shipped them in AU settings mainly because the fanfics were excellent. Also, at that point of time, I was more invested in the Naruto fandom and SS was my only OTP. In fact, I didn’t even know about the Visual Novel until late 2015 or early 2016 (I don’t remember exactly) which made me really get into Ereri. Reading the VN actually changed my whole perspective on Ereri and made me realise the depth of their canon relationship. When I re-read the manga again after that none of their subtle moments were lost on me and that’s how the ship started growing on me. Since then I even began picking up on a lot of parallels, symbolisms, etc. associated with them and all of that collectively went into becoming the reason why Ereri is my OTP.

I probably cannot think up of everything that makes me ship them at one go. Also I have my internals next week and Im losing my mind. Anyway here are some of the reasons that immediately came to mind when I saw your ask:

• Levi equating Eren to “The Tyger” : The VN concluded with the first two stanzas of Blake’s poem “The Tyger”. The poem is taken from The Songs of Innocence and Experience and the entire volume focuses on two things : the transition from childhood into adulthood and the existence of both beneficial and malevolent forces in human beings. So in the novel, Levi’s understanding, acceptance and even admiration of both the humane and the monstrous potential in Eren is commendable : “A monster with perfect, fearsome beauty; that inspires awe” Also, Levi acknowledges Eren’s will that “cannot be made to surrender” and his drive for freedom that “people living like birds in cages won’t get”. This shows us how Levi realizes that Eren’s mental maturity is not that of a normal 15 yo; that his “experiences” have made him into someone much more gritty, resilient and strong-willed for his age. “The Tyger” here is the agent of free-will and the poem further emphasises on free spirit by incorporating references to mythological figures who’re deemed as humanity’s heroes, for instance, “seize the fire” refers to Prometheus who is mankind’s hero because he stole fire from Zeus. It is said that because of him mankind could gain knowledge ; that mankind could step out of the bounds of ignorance ( See the parallel with Eren who said how ignorance is the biggest obstacle to freedom in Chapter 112 ). Another hero alluded to in the poem is Icarus who grew his wings of freedom and attempted to reach the farthest point (dangerously close to the sun) even though he was burned in the attempt (parallels with Eren’s whole attitude of ‘no matter what kind of hell awaits me I’ll keep moving forward’ ). Yeah so, that���s how deep Levi’s understanding of Eren runs.( Can you imagine the entire arc of Eren’s character was foreshadowed in Levi’s thoughts about him?) To me understanding is the most important factor when it comes to a ship so, I think Levi’s pov in the VN is the biggest contributor to their development.

• The way Eren looks at Levi : Idk how cliched this sounds but yes, the way he looks at Levi honestly gives me life. Be it in the Forest of the Giant Trees, or in the Reiss Chapel or in the Marley Arc, his eyes say it all. Add to this his signature shaky way of saing “Captain?”, idk if it’s only me but that just carries so much feeling, so much angst, so many unspoken emotions right there. If Levi’s thoughts on Eren made me fall in love with Ereri in the first place then Eren’s body language when it comes to Levi made me fuckin smitten over them (i kid u not honestly this ship is one of the very few things that actually give me the will to live)

• Hope and Strength : Honestly, I love Levi and Eren’s roles as humanity’s strength and humanity’s hope because this actually speaks volumes about their relationship. If Erwin gave Levi’s strength a dimension then Eren gave his strength meaning. Their roles in canon show their inter-dependence. After all, what is strength without hope? I don’t remember who first pointed this out, but someone said that this is the very concept the Survey Corps logo alludes to. The Wings of Freedom are shown as blue and white because royal blue represents strength and white represents hope. So the Wings are symbolical of what Levi and Eren individually stand for as well as signifies their dependence on each other.

• Levi’s role as Eren’s guardian : I love him both as Eren’s protector and his mentor. (oh also let’s not forget Eren had a little crush on him,,how adorable 🥺)

We’ve seen Levi giving it his all to protect Eren multiple times. And when he couldn’t protect him during the Battle of Trost because of his injury we see him clenching his fists in frustration. Again, in RTS we see Levi quite baffled when Erwin orders him to protect the horses and not protect Eren. Also in the RTS when Eren got flung on top of the wall, Levi was visibly concerned and then when Erwin couldnt come up with a plan that’d guarantee their survival, he quickly suggested that BOTH Erwin and Eren flit from there. This goes on to show how Levi thinks Erwin and Eren are EQUALLY important for ensuring humanity’s survival. It is evident from here that his liege and his mentee both belong on the same pedestal and he’d do anything to save them. Levi similarly comes up with an abrupt suggestion again in Ch 112 to save Eren when the Soldiers informed him that the higher authorities plan on having Eren eaten. Even though he clearly disapproved of Eren’s actions in Liberio, even though Levi himself always adhered to rules and discipline, he still had faith in Eren and he’d never accept such a ridiculous order, even if it came from Pixis. (plus he remembers the first time he met Eren which sort of makes us realize that Levi still sees himself as Eren’s protector🥺)

Next comes Levi’s role as a mentor in Eren’s life. I think his words of advice to Eren is an important factor that made him the man he is today. Levi encouraged him to believe in himself, he acknowledged his willpower, appreciated his relentless drive for freedom and even goaded him on to make important choices by himself. The recent happenings in the manga made a lot of people say that Eren follows the principle of “the end justifies the means” but originally, to quote Levi: “nobody can dictate you on what is the right path or what is the wrong one till you arrive at a certain outcome resulting from your choice”. I think one of the major reasons why Levi kicked Eren in the Marley arc again was because the outcome that Eren caused (at least according to Levi and the SC) was making Paradis the enemy of the whole enemy of the world and also a mountain of civilian deaths. This is just head canon but I think Levi was mainly disappointed because Eren didn’t seek his approval (unlike in the Reiss Chapel incident where he urged Levi to have faith in him before jumping into action of his own volition). Him comparing Eren with the underground thugs also makes me assume that he was genuinely hurt because he thought Eren has become complacent to the point where he doesn’t see Levi as a mentor anymore. But, right after his voice trails with the “you too..”, we see Eren looking up at him with the same beaming eyes. Curious why he’d do that at that instant. Also, during Serum Bowl, Eren used his height as the trump card to tower upon Levi. It was the only time he actually defied Levi and he did manage to look 100 percent domineering. But, post time skip Eren grew in leaps and bounds and he could easily repeat that but HE DID NOT. In fact, he utters his usual “Captain..?” and his eyes also have the same look. So maybe he still sees Levi as his inspiration but he cannot express that because he’s in a bind and has to act distant and cold with everyone. After all in Chapter 121, in the memory panel, we did see him recalling that very moment when Levi first advised him on making independent choices. His role as the mentor in Eren’s life is therefore once again reinforced by Isayama and I think that adds substantially to their wonderful platonic dynamic.                                        ____________xxx___________

I probably couldn’t fit them all and even this is a terrible briefing. It is all so disarrayed and incoherent. I didn’t even get the time to attach pictures. Ugh, I’m so sorry anon ;-; I wish Uni would spare me some time to rant properly about my precious babies >.

[birdsgoflying]

Letting Go Ch.2: Behind-the-Scenes

Here is part two of my behind-the-scenes look into my fic, Letting Go!

Link to fic:

http://archiveofourown.org/works/11512686

Analysis of chapter one:

https://birdsgoflying.tumblr.com/post/165566140213/letting-go-ch-1-behind-the-scenes

CHAPTER TWO:

 The only one he hadn’t managed to completely alienate was Jason. …. Dick would see him out of the corner of his eye during patrol – just a flash of a shiny red mask, following him silently to make sure he didn’t hurt himself.

 In the original draft of this chapter, Jason was not referenced at all. It wasn’t until I wrote the end of chapter 5, where Jason tracks him down in Metropolis, when I wrote Jason into chapter two. I did this because I realized that, as far as we know in the canon YJ timeline, Jason is still dead. So as we fanfic authors often do, I decided fuck it and created my own timeline. So, here is the New and Improved Timeline of Jason Todd:

 -          Jason came back from the dead some time during season two.

-          Bruce isn’t exactly wild about broadcasting his “failure” to the rest of the League. (Jason came back very violent and tried to blow up the city, after all, so it wasn’t exactly a celebratory reunion).

-          Jason’s post-rising-from-the-dead meltdown/fight with the rest of the bat-clan happened off-screen during season two, and it is part of the reason why Dick was largely absent from the team during that time period.

-          Jason chilled the fuck out eventually but kept his distance from the family for a while, then started talking to Dick again, very briefly in passing when he would run into him on patrol – a few quiet words exchanged, a respectful nod in his direction, nothing more.

-          He was warming up to the idea of spending more time with Dick when Wally died and Dick started his downward spiral, so Jason kept his distance while keeping an eye on him.

  Wally’s memories swirl around him, mingling with the orange mass of movement he is currently immersed in.

 I wanted to wait until at least chapter two to introduce Wally’s point of view, and to be honest, even chapter two felt too early. I wanted to keep the focus on Dick and his mourning, and I didn’t want to bring Wally into it too early on because I felt like bringing Wally in early somehow lessens the blow of Dick mourning him. Ideally, I would have waited until chapter three or four, to increase the dramatic tension of ‘will Wally come back or not?’, but I ultimately decided to do it in the second chapter. If I had waited until the later chapters, I would have had to cram a lot of Wally’s content together into one chapter, and I wanted to spread it out more to make it flow a little better and make it feel more natural.

  But maybe he’s a little in over his head, he remembers thinking, as they failed mission after mission. He knew the initial high was all too sweet to last. The real world hit them like a cement truck.

 A large part of Wally’s POV during this chapter was based on a drabble that I wrote several months before I even started writing this fic.

 Sometimes, when I am stuck, I put my fanfic playlist (which can be found here https://open.spotify.com/embed/user/kajnsn/playlist/2t9tx7twJ1CBBKdJZPvvCJ if you wish to utilize it!) on shuffle and write a drabble based on whatever comes up. I have until the end of the song to finish the drabble.

 (I usually end up with 300 words or so. The key is to just WRITE, no matter how shitty it is, until the end of the song. You can go back and edit it later, but for now, just write. Misspell words, use poor grammar if you have to, and if you have a word that you want to use but you can’t remember it and it’s stuck on the tip of your tongue, just type the word ‘elephant’ and you can CTRL+F the word ‘elephant’ afterwards and go back and figure out what you wanted to say later on. But for now, just fuckin’ write. Word-vomit all over the page. Do it. DO IT.)

   Anyway, during one of those sessions, “White Houses” by Vanessa Carlton came up. I’ve always loved that song. It is bittersweet, and it’s about friendship, growing up, and the loss of innocence. So I wrote, from Wally’s perspective, about what it felt like to go from the excitement of forming the team to the realization that making sacrifices was inevitable – from the Failsafe simulation to Tula’s death.

 I knew I had to incorporate it somehow when I found the drabble in my “Drafts and Scraps” folder, because thematically, it matched the story very well. I had to rewrite parts of it and expand on other parts of it, and the finished product ended up much more angsty than bittersweet, but it ended up fitting the story, so I was pleased.

  None of them blamed Tula for sacrificing herself. Each of them would have done it in a heartbeat, if put in her place.

 I knew that I wanted to reference Tula dying when I got to Wally’s point of view, because there are a lot of really fantastic parallels that can be drawn between Wally and Tula’s deaths:

-          Tula and Wally both sacrificed themselves because there was no other choice – they needed to save their friends, and the rest of the world, and them dying was the only way to do that.

-          They both willingly and knowingly gave their lives for their cause.

-          They both left their lovers – Garth and Artemis – behind to grieve in the wake of their deaths.

-          They also both left behind another person who loved them from afar – Kaldur and Dick.

-          Tula dying is what ultimately made Kaldur leave the team pre-season two, and Wally dying is what made Dick leave the team at the end of season two.

 (For those of you who are unfamiliar with the story, Tula’s death is outlined in Young Justice: Legacy, the video game released several years ago, which falls between seasons one and two in the timeline. You can watch the cutscenes here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoCXT-M_VSM or you can purchase it on Steam if you would like to actually play it; I don’t think it costs very much. The game’s mechanics, graphics, and most of the cutscenes are genuinely shitty, but the plot is somewhat interesting and it helps fill in the gaps about what happened with Tula and what caused Kaldur, Wally, and Artemis to leave the team.)

  They were thrust, unprepared, into what it really meant to be a superhero when M’Gann hijacked the training simulation and made them all genuinely believe they had died. He had felt himself really begin to come undone after that. It made it all the more real. He had been forced to watch his friends die. Hell, they were still psychically connected, so he hadn’t just watched; he had felt them die.

 The Failsafe episode was a huge turning point for the season one team – it seemed to show all of them, and the audience, that this is very real. I seem to reference the Failsafe episode in most of the fics that I write, because it held a huge emotional impact for me. I reference that episode fairly often in this fic, actually – you will see more references to it later.

  They were thrust, unprepared, into what it really meant to be a superhero when M’Gann hijacked the training simulation and made them all genuinely believe they had died. He had felt himself really begin to come undone after that. It made it all the more real. He had been forced to watch his friends die. Hell, they were still psychically connected, so he hadn’t just watched; he had felt them die. Suddenly, it wasn’t just about glory and inside jokes and hanging out with friends anymore. Of course they felt relief upon waking up and realizing it wasn’t real, but the undertone of dread remained. It was a realization for all of them – someday, this would actually happen. Someday, one of them would end up dying for a mission.

 But the pain they felt upon that realization was nothing compared to the pain of actually losing a teammate when that day finally came. And it was only a matter of time. They all knew the expectation – they needed to be prepared to lay down their lives the very moment it was asked of them, because they were superheroes. This was what they did. Their lives were not their own anymore. None of them blamed Tula for sacrificing herself. Each of them would have done it in a heartbeat, if put in her place.

 But they weren’t prepared for being on the other side of it. For being the ones who survived - facing the aftermath of one of their teammates dying. It was so much harder to be the ones left behind, Wally had thought, as he grieved with the rest of his team. The pain of losing a teammate, the pain of watching a friend grieve their fallen lover. It was almost too much.

 Wally remembers thinking, back then, that it might break him – but of course, it didn’t. People don’t break so easily.

 People usually find a way to keep going.

 That exact thought is what sticks with Wally as he sees flashes of Dick’s face from inside the orange blur surrounding him. Tears, angry eyes rimmed with red, lips pressed to a bottle, a parade of strangers that Dick allows to use his body in exchange for being used in return.

 Wally can’t tell where his own face is inside the blur that envelops him, nor can he feel the tears that he knows he's shedding.

 So, real talk - the final seven paragraphs of chapter two made me cry as I wrote it. Just saying. I think it’s probably the most emotional few paragraphs of the entire story for me.