#i used to think none of my friends would ever choose a man over our friendship but then my best friend since i was 11 ignored me on and off

[starryevermore]

the house of snow (1) ✧ coriolanus snow

the house of snow ✧ a royal coryo au | pinterest board | ao3

pairing: king!coriolanus snow x fem!reader

series summary: the king of panem is in search of a bride. and, for reasons you can never understand, coriolanus snow has set his sights on you. it would never be a happy marriage, you’re sure of that. but none of that matters, because when snow decides he wants something, he will do everything in his power to ensure it is his.

chapter summary: your parents are convinced that you will marry the king by the end of the social season. and so, too, it seems does coriolanus snow.  

word count: 2,764 

series warnings?: 18+ MINORS DNI, royal au, regency au, arranged marriage, rivals to lovers, obsessive!coryo, jealous!coryo, protective!coryo, eventual smut, eventual pregnancy, more tags to be added later 

chapter warnings?: no use of y/n, you cannot stand coryo, not proofread

Coriolanus Snow’s rise to the throne was something you never expected to come to fruition. When you were younger, you remembered your peers talking about how Snow wanted to one day rule Panem. At the time, you thought it was just another wild dream of a child. Something a child would say when an adult asks what they wish to be when they grow up. “A pirate!” one might exclaim. Or, perhaps, “A painter!” The sort of thing that a sensible parent would shrug off and not dedicate anymore thought to. The Snow family, as it turned out, was not particularly sensible. 

When the Former King Ravinstill died without warning, the throne was left vacant. Everyone knew that the old man had little life left in him. Yet, despite his age, he had a tendency to power through. No one thought he would have lived as long as he did, but he had. So, the Electors had not yet begun considering his replacement. No one had been prepared enough to seek candidacy. No one, except Coriolanus Snow. A few other eligible persons put forth their names, but no one garnered support quite like the young man. From a prominent family, the son of a general, had served briefly himself, intelligent, and had the financial backing of the Plinth family? There was no version of history where Snow could lose. 

Within weeks of Ravinstill’s death, Snow was crowned King. 

You did not care for politics, so you knew little of his reign. But your father seemed pleased, talking often and loudly about how the young Snow would restore Panem to its former glory. You weren’t so sure of that. Though you did not interact with him often in your younger years, you remembered Snow as someone who was self-serving. Who would pretend to care if only it could further his own interests. He very well might let all of Panem burn if it meant he could gain from it. But your father was quite pleased with Snow as King and, when word began to spread that Snow would be seeking a bride this next social season, your father pushed hard for you to woo the King. 

“If you wish to serve your family well, my little dove, you will convince the King to marry you,” your father told you the moment he heard the news. 

You all but scoffed. “I hardly think I am the sort of woman he wishes to marry. A man like him would want someone meek, someone who would not challenge his authority. We hardly ever agreed on the schoolyard, and for that reason, he never considered me a friend. How could he ever see me as a wife?”

Your father’s eyes narrowed at you. “It is your responsibility, then, to make yourself small so that he may choose you.”

“I would rather die than sacrifice my ideals, Papa,” you said. “Why can I not vie for any other’s attention? I know Lord Plinth quite well. I’ve always enjoyed his company. It would be easy to win his heart and have our family set for life. Certainly easier than winning over the King.”

He sneered, “The only thing the Plinth family is good for is their money. I want to be respected. We would be little more than social pariahs if you wed the Plinth boy.”

“I shall not marry the King—”

Your mother stepped in before you could say something you might come to regret. She placed a hand on your arm, directing your attention to her. “Never mind that now. There is still time before the season begins for minds to be changed.”

“I shall not change my mind, Mama.”

She looked over at your father, who was the perfect picture of irate. She looked back to you. “Perhaps, but perhaps not. Let us go clear our minds, yes? We should go order new gowns at the modiste before everyone else floods her with demands.”

“You cannot distract me with fashion.”

“But you would do well to pretend that I have.”

Your efforts to convince your parents that you would not, under any circumstance whatsoever, marry Coriolanus Snow did not do anything for you. Despite your best efforts, you now stood in the palace for the King’s Ball, wearing the most beautiful powder blue gown fresh from the modiste, trying and failing to hide from your mother, so that you might delay her forcing you onto Snow. For now, though, she had been distracted by a conversation with Lady Dovecote about…whatever mothers talked about. Surely some scheme that would end with either you or Clemensia as Snow’s betrothed. You rolled your eyes at the thought. 

A familiar voice said your name. When you turned, you were greeted by the sight of Sejanus Plinth, holding two glasses of lemonade. He handed one to you, remarking, “I never knew you to be one to hide from the crowd.”

“I shall hide from the crowd when my mama is convinced I shall become Queen by the end of the season.”

“Ah.” Sejanus took a drink and laughed. “Strange, isn’t it? Seeing everyone we grew up with vying for Coryo’s attention.”

Coryo? Oh, yes. That was the nickname those close to Snow would call him. You had forgotten that the two were friends. Hmm, perhaps you could use that information the next time your parents try to force a connection with Snow. Something about how getting close to his friend might make him interested in you. “That it is. It seems as though everyone has lost their minds just for a glimpse of the crown.”

Sejanus laughed again. Then he looked at you a little more seriously, and said, “If I am honest, I am surprised you are not among those fighting for Coryo’s attention.”

Your brows pinched together. “You think I am interested in climbing the social ladder? Lord Plinth, you should know me well enough that I care more for a love match than gaining a title.”

“No, no. That is not what I meant. I remember in school that you and Coryo always had a sort of connection. Truthfully, I thought one of you might have acted on it sooner when you entered society.”

“The only connection we had was that of hatred. We despised each other.”

Sejanus shook his head, his curls bouncing. “I do not think that was true for Coryo. He liked that you challenged him. He has never been the sort of person who liked people who switch their position when the tide seems to turn. He likes people who are firm in their convictions.”

You laughed. “He’s told you this?”

“Not in so many words. But you have to wonder why he always sought you out.”

“Perhaps. Or perhaps he is crueler than we all think.”

Sejanus moved to protest, but another beat him to it. “Or perhaps you judge without truly knowing.”

You froze. Oh, how you had hoped that you could have avoided him tonight! Damn Sejanus and his friendship with Snow. So much for him being your safe haven during these balls. You might as well have lit a beacon leading straight to you. Alas, you did not want Snow to see the hatred you had brewing for him. Even if you did not like the man, you would be a social pariah if you made such feelings known to him. So, you painted on a smile as you turned to look at Snow. “Or perhaps I made an educated guess supported by the evidence of past interactions.”

Snow snorted, turning his gaze to Sejanus. “Always so quick with a response, she is.”

Sejanus glanced at you, a knowing look in his eyes. If you were a mindreader, you could imagine him gloating in his mind about how he was right, that this was a sign that Snow cared for you in some way. But you only knew it to be yet another indicator that you and Snow could never, ever, get along. “Her wit has never dulled.”

“Should we see, then, if her dance skills are still equally sharp?”

Sejanus looked at you again, a brilliant smile on his face. Oh, how you wished to wipe that look off. This was not proof of anything. This did not prove his point. “I could not think of anything better.”

Damn you, Sejanus Plinth. Damn you. 

Snow held his arm out for you to take. You stared at it, not moving. “In order to dance with a lady, you must ask her. I do not recall you asking me anything.”

Snow glanced just beyond you. When you turned your head to follow his gaze, you saw your mother and Lady Dovecote watching the interaction carefully. As you looked back at Snow, he said, “Your mother would be disappointed if you did not dance with me.”

“It is amazing you became King when you are so lacking in manners.” But you knew your mother—the entirety of the ton, perhaps—would consider you insane to turn the King down so openly. So you took his arm and let him lead you onto the dance floor. 

He snorted. “You are the only person who speaks so freely to me.”

“Ah, so this is one last dance before my execution? How kind. Perhaps I was wrong about your cruelty.”

“There is much you are wrong about,” Snow said. You had reached the dance floor. The crowd parted around you, allowing you and Snow to take the middle of the floor. You faced him, allowing his hand to fall to you waist. You placed one hand on his shoulder, and let him take the other in his free hand. “It would be far too much of a shame to take your life.”

“Such a kind and gentle king.”

“Only for those who deserve it.”

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw your mother miming for you to smile. You fought the urge to sneer instead. Even if you would rather do anything else than be courted by Coriolanus Snow, acting out would not do you any favors. If you had any hope in finding a love match, you had to at least be cordial to him. So you smiled as prettily as you could. But you couldn’t help yourself from saying, “Then perhaps you should go see a physician. You seem to have lost your mind.”

To your surprise, Snow laughed. The sound almost scared you. When was the last time you heard Snow laugh? An actual laugh, at that. None of his snorts of derision or half-hearted chuckles when he was trying to charm someone. Had you ever heard him laugh before? You tried to wrack your brain, but you could not recall anything. In school, he had always been so serious—focused more on using the tools available to him to climb the social ladder rather than being a kid like everyone else. Though, you supposed, Snow was a far cry from everyone else. 

The music began to play, and Snow spun you around the dance floor. As you turned, you locked eyes with Sejanus. He wore a large grin on his face, seemingly sure that you and Snow were making nice. Why else would he have laughed at something you said? You wished you could yell out to Sejanus, tell him that he was dead wrong. 

“What is it that people say? Something about love driving people mad?”

This time, you did roll your eyes. “Oh, come off it. You and I both know perfectly well that you do not care for me. I hardly understand why you’re even entertaining this nonsense, if for no other reason than to torture me.”

Snow considered you. After a long moment of silence, he said, “I seek a bride who will produce me an heir. There are few women here who meet my standards. A woman of good breeding, from a respectable family, and intelligent enough to keep up with me. Someone who will be a good Queen and a good mother.”

“Someone that you can control.” You scoff. “You truly must see a physician, Your Majesty, if you think that I will fall in line with whatever you ask of me.”

His lips curled into a grin. Your stomach churned. “Not yet.”

The next morning, your mother promptly reported that you had danced with Coriolanus Snow not once, not twice, but three times to your father. To say he had been pleased was something of an understatement. He was certain that Snow would soon be reaching out to discuss a proposal. It did not matter how much you tried to downplay the situation—explain that he was only dancing with you for some other reason than him wishing to marry you. Your parents minds were made up. By the end of the season, you were to be Queen of Panem. 

“It’s just the nerves,” your mother dismissed as you sat in the drawing room, waiting for any suitor to call on you. “You will be more than confident once you are wed.”

You ground your teeth together. “I do not wish to marry Coriolanus Snow. I would marry anyone else. I would let you or Papa pick anyone else in the ton and I would not let out a single complaint. I cannot marry that man.”

Something just beyond you caught your mother’s attention. Your father, you supposed. “You should not say such things—” she began to say. Of course. Of course she would say that. 

“Why not? It is true. I would be miserable with him. I would rather die than be his bride, bear his children. Frankly, forcing me to marry him may as well be a death sentence.”

“Dear, you do not truly mean that—”

“And you must not know me at all if you think I am not being completely, and utterly, truthful right now. Coriolanus Snow is the last man I would ever wish to marry.”

Your mother leaned in close to you, hissing, “Stop talking right now, young lady.”

A frown settled on your face. Why was she so bothered about you speaking so freely? There was no one in the room but you, her, and a maid. Perhaps she was concerned about the maid spreading gossip with other maids and that slowly enveloping the ton. It wasn’t a non-possibility, to be sure. But why was she acting so…scandalized by your words? 

Unless…

You turned your head toward the entrance of the room. There should Coriolanus Snow, dressed in a dark red suit, holding a bouquet of white roses. Your mouth went dry. Oh, why does he keep showing up when you least expect it? “The butler typically announces when a guest has arrived,” you said. 

You couldn’t read his face. A part of you wondered if you had offended him. You didn’t particularly care about offending him, but you also knew that such an act could have dire consequences on you marrying anyone else. “He was going to, but I wanted my arrival to be a surprise.” He took a step closer to you, holding out the roses. “I just had these freshly picked from my garden.”

A part of you wanted to smack the roses out of his hands, but you had already embarrassed your mother enough in front of Snow. You took the roses, yet couldn’t stop yourself from saying, “I cannot believe a man like you could grow something so beautiful.”

Your mother let out a loud—obviously fake—laugh. “Oh, isn’t she just funny? She always says the silliest things.”

Snow chuckled. He smiled at your mother—the sort of smile that your stomach twist into knots. Like he knew something no one else did, and he was reveling in that. “It is one of her more…charming traits.” He turned his attention back to you. “As lovely as this is, I came to ask if you would like to promenade with me in the square.”

Oh, Snow. Why was he so good at backing you into corners? You took a breath and passed the bouquet to the maid so she could put them in a vase. “That would be nothing short of a delight.”

He held out his arm for you to take. You slipped your hand around his bicep, your nails digging in. If he felt any pain, he didn’t show it. Instead, he leaned down so that you could only hear him whisper, “It seems like you fall in line much easier than you would like to believe.”

[erenjaegerwifee]

The Selection

Prologue

Paring: Neteyam x Fem!Tawakmi!Reader

Warnings: none, some flirting.

Word Count: 2.7k

Disclaimer: All my characters are aged-up! If that bothers you feel free to scroll and do not interact with my account or any of my post.

~ This is the first part to my new series! I hope you all like the idea and enjoy reading! Suggestion are welcome I'd love to hear your ideas. in this series I should make you aware I will be including some human things, there will be some pretending when it comes to those things. the technology for instance will be something that is heavily in the series. human songs is also something that will be mentioned throughout, which will include some songs and lyrics (but Y/n is gonna write them so it wouldn't be considered human in this series)

Series M.List | Main M.List

“Neteyam the war is over, it is high time you choose a wife” Neytiri, his mother said to him while they were all having dinner. “Yea son, I know that for a long time it is all we thought about but you should get out there, get to know some people” his father, Jake pipped up. 

“Being married is great I promise, I didn’t think I'd like it this much man seriously” his brother Lo’ak said as he hugged his wife Korra against his side making her giggle. Neteyam smiles at his brother and new sister, they had such a strong relationship ever since they were young, the type of friends you knew one day they would mate and be as one. Neteyam has never had anyone like that, he has had friends and girls he was interested in but this war changed people, took people. He just isn’t really attracted to anyone in his clan right now.  

“I hear you; I know a bond is important to form, but honestly this war has taken so much out of all of us, there isn’t much people left in the clan and no one I can say I really feel for.” Neteyam sighed as he told his family as he passes his hand over the scar, he now has on his chest from getting shot all those years ago. His parents look at him sympathetically, they know what it feels like to be in love, they only want their children to feel the same one day, to feel that happiness. 

“Ok, I attended a meeting with the clan leaders from across the forest, they too have suffered much lose from this war and one of them pitched an idea I thought was interesting, I did not agree beforehand because I wasn’t sure you would agree” Jake sighed and glanced at his wife before continuing, “In the Kekunun clan, they have this tradition where men try through a series of competitions and challenges to win over the woman of their choosing, they pitched that if you were open too it, you can hold one of your own here, and which ever woman you choose will be your mate for life and join their clan with ours, so don’t suffer such a lose alone. You will rule both clans side by side.”  

His family looked at him while he contemplated his options, it was not the worse idea, maybe someone from the other clans might catch his attention. Maybe he might fall in love with someone, “How will we choose which girls will enter?” Neteyam asked his father.  

“Well, you can let the clans decide which girl they think is best fit or you can send someone you know to survey the crowds and choose a girl they think you’ll like, the point of this is to find you a match you are happy with, making the clan bigger is just a bonus” his father said. “We only want you to be happy son” his mother spoke up.  

Neteyam sighed again, “Ok, we will do it, but I want someone to survey the clans” his family waited for him to say who they will send and Neteyam didn’t have to give it much thought, at the end of the day only his family stood with him in the hard times, only his family held his hand throughout all of the injuries and loses, “Lo’ak, I trust his judgement, he’ll find me the right girls.”  

Lo’ak smiled at his brother, over the years they had depended on each other a lot, they grew much closer than their teenage years, they are not only brothers but good friends, they have kept each other safe countless times now, there really is no one Neteyam has more trust in to think of his best interest.  

Lo’ak has been to three clans so far with his wife, all three times he had chosen a woman he thinks his brother might like. He has been to the Tanrangi Clan by the eastern sea, the Olangi Clan that reside in the forest plains of Pandora and the Kekunun Clan that live in the Mountains. Visiting them has been a real experience for Lo’ak he was able to spend time with the people and get to know their customs before he chose a woman.  

It was easier than expected the women he chose just stood out to him, and his wife was much help in decided as well because Lo’ak came to realize, all the other forest clans have heirs that are women. Not a man besides their father was in the family, someone them were only children but some had sisters, none so far had brothers.  

Lo’ak must make one more stop, the furthest clan in the forest, a good three days travel away from the omatikaya clan, it was the Tawkami clan. Rumor has it you reside in one of the forest clans but Lo’ak has yet to see you. He just knows you would be perfect for his brother, but he can’t help but feel a bit selfish about wanting to choose you, yes, he has a wife and he loves her more than anything, he would never do anything to hurt her. But ever since Lo’ak heard the sound of your voice in his teens he’s been crushing hard, almost like a fantasy he knows he has no shot, he knows he doesn’t want it, he just likes you. He had this idea in his head about what you might be like and he always wondered what it would be like to meet you. 

Now Lo’ak is no stalker, he knows what you look like simply from pictures, but what na’vi on Pandora doesn’t know you? You are famous on Pandora, your voice people say was a gift from the great mother herself, they say your body was hand shaped by Eywa from how incredibly beautiful you are. They way your waves fall so lovely down your back, the silky curls bounce with every movement you make.  

Lo’ak has only seen videos and heard recordings but he has never gotten the chance to meet you. Why were you so out of reach to the public, he wasn’t even sure what clan you are from. He definitely thinks you are perfect though, but maybe his opinion on your is biased. Korra understands Lo’ak’s feelings towards you, she’d be lying if she said she didn’t also admire you, the way you moved when you danced in the videos she saw, it was so graceful and full of meaning.  

They talked about it the entire trip, every clan they would look for you and every clan they would be disappointed they didn’t find you; this is their last chance. They fly over the entrance of the Tawkami clan attracting the people below. This clan was beautiful, big space, Lo’ak knows they fought besides them in battle but they didn’t not return in the numbers they gave out. They are highly skilled and in tune with their land. 

Lo’ak jumped off his ikran and walked over to Korra to help her off her ikran. The pair walked hand in hand up to the crowd and greeted all of them. Everyone knows they are omatikaya, they know Lo’ak and who his father way, they also are very much aware of his skills as a warrior and is well respected at the clan.  

The clan’s Olo’eyktan with his three sons came forward, Lo’ak and Korra respectfully greeted them and they returned the gesture. “Lo’ak, son of Toruk Makto, what brings you so far from your clan?” Olo’eyktan spoke up. Tsahìk has joined them shortly after greeting them respectfully. “This is my wife, Korra. We are here to inform the clan that the Omatikaya have decided to hold a competition for the hand of Toruk Makto’s eldest, my brother Neteyam te Suli Tsyeyk’itan, the winner will join clans with ours and we will live as one. I was sent to choose the woman and request her presence to the clan to start the games in one weeks time”  

“Walk with me son” the Olo’eyktan invited Lo’ak, Korra walked alongside them as they spoke, “You are meant to choose clan leading children, right?” the man asked. Lo’ak nodded his head waiting for the man to continue speaking, “I am afraid I only have the one daughter; she is off age and if she is willing to participate in this competition you will have my blessing,”  

The Tsahik of the clan speed up her pace to stand in front of the three, “She has a beautiful connection to Eywa son, she must be taken care off if we allow her to come to your clan. How long will she be staying?” Korra spoke up before Lo’ak did, “the selection will take six months, between those six months some of the women who Neteyam is not interested in will be sent home.”  

Tsahik made eye contact with her husband speaking without words, almost as if Lo’ak read their mind, “Her place at the clan is welcome, she will be treated as one of our own, but we cannot guarantee she will be the one my brother chooses. If she is not, we will ensure her safe passage back. My brother is not only looking for a capable woman, he is looking for a loving wife, I am only here to see which one might be best suited, in the end it will be up to him.” Lo’ak’s eyes dart between them both before letting out a nervous sigh.  

It was never easy to explain to the clan leaders their children may not be Neteyam’s wife but they accepted anyways, many have respect for his brother, many women want to mate him, but not everyone has the same advantage in the games. “Let us introduce you and you can ask her yourself.” 

You sat on in a small clearing humming tunes of songs and sewing on some beads you gathered earlier in the day. You felt at peace in the forest, it was always something you loved to enjoy by yourself, the wind blew softly through your curls that fell over your eyes slights and down to the middle of your back. It was sort of uncommon for Na’vi women to have nags but you always thought they suited your face well, especially with your full curls, “Y/n!” you heard your mother shout. 

You heard turned to the voice before you stood up and ran in the direction of your mother. “Sa’nok? What is it?” you pull a big leaf down to walk in front of it being met with bother your parents, and a man and woman you did not recognize.  

The spark in their eyes when they saw you was something you would never get tired of, they are your fans, your mother brought fans to meet you? Thats a first. You brought your hand up to your forehead to greet them respectfully smiling sweetly, “I see you, y/n” they both said in sync copying your motion making you smile.  

You parents excused themselves mumbling to each other about how they hoped you said yes. You look at them confused before turning to the couple, “May I know your names?” you said sweetly. “I am Lo’ak, son of Toruk Makto, this is my mate, Korra” you smile at them both before silence took over as if they did not know what else to say. “It is nice to meet you both, may I ask why you journeyed so far from your clan?” your eyes dart between them.  

“We have come to choose women from the forest clans for my brother to mate, it is a competition to see who is best suited for him, in return the winning woman will join her clan with the Omatikayan and we will live as one. I know this is short notice but the games start in one week, we have chosen you if you will accept?” Lo’ak said, his grip on his wife’s hand was a bit hard but he was just so nervous on whether you would say yes. You are famous across the moon, everyone and their mother knows about your blessed voice, he just knew he would be doing right by his brother if you accepted. 

“Wow, this is quite a decision, how long will I be staying at your clan?” you bit your lip swinging from side to side as you contemplate, no one has ever asked you to compete for someone else’s hand, people compete for yours. “Six months, if it doesn’t work out between you two and he decides to go in a different direction, though I can’t imagine why, we will grant you safe passage home.” you giggle at him sly comment.  

And you nod your head, “the Omatikaya are 3 days travel away from here as you know, I will not be able to visit my family, it is a big decision to make. I do not want to shut you down but I have no idea what your brother looks like” you tilt your head to the side slightly. Lo’ak sighs assuming you are about to shut him down. “Tell you what, how about you stay for dinner and leave first thing in the morning, I shall give you my answer then” you smile at them.  

You try to ignore the way they both look at each other in a celebratory way and you lead them back to the clan while they ask you questions about how you write your songs and your music, if it is true, you are also a good dancer. Their excitement to talk to you makes you smile, you had secretly always loved the attention that came with being famous, the way people always treated you nicely and how they travel the moon looking for you just to hear you sing.  

After dinner you get tucked away thinking about the situation, your parents have been hounding you about getting a mate for the longest, it is a bit difficult though. You always loved the gifts Eywa blessed you will but men do not want you for a wife, they want you for a lay. You are one of the most beautiful women on the moon according to some, you are something people want to say they have had, like an object. Mates should not treat you like that so you never committed to being anyone’s wife. Maybe Lo’ak’s brother will be different, maybe he will love you for you and not what you have. You knew you had your iPad and you can call your mother whenever you needed but you’ve never really been away from your family before. What if this doesn’t work out, what if you fall in love with him and he doesn’t love you back. No relationship is formed without risk, right? 

The next morning breakfast was served to your guests they made themselves ready to take off to their home clan. They must be relieved to be going home now, they definitely didn’t forget you told them you would have an answer now.  

“So, what’s it gonna be princess? Have you decided whether or not my brother is worth your time?” Lo’ak asked. 

“Well, I’m not sure about that I don’t know him how can I know if he is worth my time?” you giggle at him. “But what is reward without risk? I will be there.” Lo’ak and Korra both smiled at your answer and gave you a hug goodbye. Bidding them safe travels, you watched them fly away.  

“Are you sure about this sis?” your brother Kian asked you, he was your first younger brother, second born in your family. “I am, what is the worst that can happen? I come back here?” you snort making him laugh. “No, I know, I just do not want you to get hurt by this.” you smile at him then glance down to your feet, “We cannot control the things that happen baby brother, we can only control how we react to them.” 

You yanked on his tail and ran away leaving him to chase you in circles around your parents, you will miss them dearly.  

~ I hope you all like it so far! I’m not sure how much chapters I’m writing but as I update I’ll put them here so look it or comment to be tagged!

~ Reblogs, Comments and Likes are always appreciated

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[jmdbjk]

Looking back and forward.

2023 was one for the books.

It is Thursday, Dec. 7 where I am... Friday, Dec. 8 in Korea.

It is the last Friday for Namjoon, Taehyung, Jimin and Jungkook to be civilians. This is their last weekend to spend in their homes, at the company to work, running along the river, doing boxing workouts, ordering delivery food, loving on their dogs, doing the things they've been doing the last over ten years. It will be about 100 days until they get time off and can maybe spend some time back at home.

They are tying up loose ends, getting their shit together, preparing to put their lives on hold.

They will return to us in mid-June 2025.

I've watched their last group live several times after the english subs were up. There were a lot of things I saw and I have a lot of mixed emotions about it all.

None of us know these men, we are observers and all we know is what they choose to show us. Unfortunately, they can't control every single thing and people and the media insist on prying and publishing images and things about them that lead to unconfirmed rumors and misinformation.

In the approximately 38 minutes they shared with us, they conveyed that they are getting ready to go, they seemed in positive spirits. They conveyed that they were still working on things for us (except Jungkook).

They said there was A LOT of content coming, so much... they've NEVER ever reassured us like this before.

They asked fans to NOT show up at the induction site out of respect for the other men and their families also entering the military those days. They explicitly said "we are their face and to do them proud."

During this live, I saw Tae being the fantastically funny guy that he is. Tae was alight with excitement. He was anxious to learn from his fellow soldiers. He is a flower waiting to bloom. And seeing his friendship with Jimin maturing, flourishing, same age friends forever was wonderful.

And Namjoon trying to keep up with the crazy shenanigans of the maknae line. Trying to be the voice of reason: "it'll go by quick, we've left a lot of content. Jin will be back soon. We'll all get strong." But there seemed to be a bit of push and pull between he and Jimin... it was interesting. But he was lighthearted, positive, going into with an open mind. Get in, get out, get back to work.

Jimin, Jimin, Jimin... There was a bit of resignation wrapped up in Jimin's positivity. He wouldn't agree that it would go by fast and he didn't want to show himself with the buzz cut. I wanted to reach through the screen and hold his hand and reassure him we'd be here waiting and that we know it's hard to leave everything right now to do this. This man lives to do work on his passion. He's already had to stop once. Now he has to do it again. I think he is going into his MS kicking and screaming because he does not want to leave his youth behind. It is unfinished.

He said he had been sick. He coughed, sneezed and sniffled the entire live. I hope all of these symptoms have disappeared by Monday/Tuesday. I remember his friend Sungwoon had to delay his enlistment date because he tested positive for covid. Please don't let that happen to any of our four.

During this last group live, I saw a Jungkook that I'd never seen before. His vibe was so in tune to Jimin. I know he's been that way since... 2017? 2018? But this was so in your face I was dumbfounded. Jungkook constantly soothing Jiminie. The things they probably talked about while they were in Japan a few weeks ago, man, to be a fly on the wall.

ALL of those lives he did this past year flashed through my head, how unhinged he was the first few months, falling asleep drunk with the candle, calling out stalkers. ALL those times WE said he was missing Jimin because he was begging him to come eat chicken and drink beer, or come do a boxing workout, or better yet, "let me come over and we can shower together..." No... I meant to say: he can go over to Jimin's and wash up and do a live together. Yes, that's what he said. Beggged him. Tried to use Army as leverage. And all we got was Jimin saying he "can handle it" and "you know how my personality is"...

Jungkook watching all that Jimin content... something happened, some decision was made early in the year. Jungkook embraced it and ran with it.

And to know they are going into the service together, it still has me astonished but it all makes sense now. Y'all... they knew they were going to do this wayyyyyy back, not just in August or September when they applied. Jungkook said back in February (before someone lit a fire under his butt in March to start working on music) that he had to take care of his body for the next year. This has been the plan and Jungkook said "no worries, I got this."

2023 was A LOT.

Jimin, Face: the melodies poured out (as they seem to be free-flowing from him at any given moment) but he had to pry those lyrics out of himself. Jimin achieved a #1 BBHot100. And yes, it appears there were not just one, but TWO of those blasted cakes. I didn't know much about PDogg before Jimin's documentary but now I know how much he supported Jimin during this process.

Yoongi, D-Day: I got to see Yoongi in real life. That weekend flew by for me. One of the best weekends ever. As soon as the concert was over I said out loud, I need to see all seven on that stage. His concert tour filled a void for us. We needed that so bad after last year's gut-wrenching news that there would be no tour. And now he's fulfilling his social service. Let him serve quietly with dignity.

Hobi, Military: after tearfully sending him off, what we hear now is he's cracking the whip, though ever-so empathetically (not to be confused with emphatically) over those new enlistees every day. I need to see his boom chakalaka marching drills. Jimin said when he visited Hobi, he wasn't greeted with his ebullient "Jaman!" but more of a lowkey "oh, you're here."

Jungkook, his solo songs and album: Jungkookie chose to go the route of choosing songs that resonated with him. Over the course of years, Kookie has always shared songs with us. We used to love his song recs and his covers of very poignant songs. He KILLED those songs with his vocals. He did what HE wanted to do. And look how well he did with it, also a #1 BBHot100.

Taehyung, Layover: again, Taehyung did what he wanted to do. Not on his album, but Taehyung singing along with Karen Carpenter was never on my bingo card, ever! (a clip on his Instagram stories where he was singing along to "Close to You")

RM, we kept wondering: why isn't he enlisted yet? Someone had to wrangle the maknae. Not that he ever did that this past year. He cut himself over his left eye and had to get stitches... that's gonna leave a scar. Good thing there are 40 bajillion plastic surgeons in Seoul...

Jin is coming. The Head of Ministry of the Military making the decision that no celeb will be doing anything special, instead they will serve just like regular civilians. Sergeant Kim Seokjin will become civilian Jin of BTS on June 12, 2024.

Their constant looking forward to 2025

Skipping over 2024 for the moment...

BTS has to evolve. They must evolve. They are not going to be a 30 something year old K-pop boy band. Some groups might be stuck but BTS will not stay stagnant, they never have. They have to step forward out of that niche and they have been trying to do that incrementally for a while now. They’ve taken us in baby steps already through chapter 2, and Joon said the REAL chapter 2 will begin when they are back from fulfilling their service.

What will they be like? Will they reinvent themselves? Perhaps, but not overnight. I don’t see any sort of extreme makeover for BTS once they come back together. I do see them addressing more mature topics (as we’ve seen), I do hope we see songwriting from all members.

They don't need to abandon their Korean-ness in order to accomplish this. There is nothing stopping them from being a mainstream artist who just happens to be from Korea and who release songs that are in Korean.

I think the accomplishments that Jungkook achieved will continue to pull BTS out of the K-pop realm and into the main stream Pop music realm. They worked that western market. They got pushback, especially western industry institutions: Billboard and the Grammys. And they learned.

Progress is slow but progress nevertheless. They will cross over to general pop one way or the other. They are not going to stay in the kpop box in the future. Straddle both at the same time. They can do it.

For 2024:

I think comeback/HYYH 10th anniversary reboot is already in the works and has been.

I think PDogg will be working on the songs over the next year. I think they have recorded all this year.

I think when Jin and Hobi get back, they might record their parts. I also am pretty sure we'll see a full-bodied solo effort from Jin and more from Hobi. I think we'll get a ramp up to his discharge with some Hope on the Street content that he recorded before he enlisted.

I think we'll slowly see wheels start turning to get the machine going again much sooner than we imagined.

I think what we see next year will all be primed to pre-promote and whip up the excitement for 2025.

I just feel strongly that Bang PD would NOT have mentioned that specific thing and we would not be hearing the members constantly saying 2025. And especially saying 2025 is not that far in the future and that they are looking forward to the incredible synergy the group will have when they get back together. They've got a lot of work done already. They know already.

They said there is A LOT coming to us.

In about two weeks BTS: Beyond the Star docu-series will begin.

We know we're getting some sort of Jimin and Jungkook traveling content, whether a series or not...I'm leaning toward it being a multi-episode series. Camping? Drinking? Breweries? Beaches? Boating or sailing or both but separate? Fishing? Snow sports? They said it was fun.

We will see activity around all the solo album anniversaries. We still have an RM documentary, a Taehyung documentary and a Jungkook documentary. I bet the latter two will come out towards the end of 2024.

We might have Tae acting, we know he'll be in an IU MV soon.

About aging bangtan ...

Remember when we said this is Bangtan in 20 years?

I joke about it but seriously they are aware that things will be different as they evolve and age as people and as artists.

There are new groups debuting all the time and BTS is aging out of a certain demographic (as they should).

Yoongi saying "cruise with BTS" would be the best case scenario for their future.

I would love to be on that cruise if it ever happens.

[aninkwellofnectar]

I'm asexual and I absolutely get what you mean re women and community. I'm lucky that most people aren't mean about it (to my face???) but it's hard to try and carve out a space for yourself when society strongly privileges romantic bonds over platonic ones. You can choose to make your friends the most important people in your life but unless they have the same mindset, that's unlikely to be fully reciprocated. And obviously that's completely within their rights but it does get frustrating and lonely sometimes.

I think the majority of people think "you don't need a man to complete you" is just a comforting lie we tell ourselves/other women after a bad break up. Like it's okay to take some time "focusing on you" but only if it's temporary. Although tbf, I'm incredibly lucky that most people I interact with would be accepting of a woman completing me instead. It's just the asexuality that gets reactions of horror and pity, even sometimes among leftists.

hey anon,

tbh, you're right. and a lot of what you've outlined here is why i feel the need to pushback against it and make people be honest about what they REALLY mean when they say these things rather than dressing it up as feminist, ykwim? because you're correct in that society at large privileges romantic connections over every other bond but... there's nothing feminist about this. it actually works largely in tandem with what patriarchy wants (i.e. women devoting all their energy and emotional investment into men and funneling themselves off into singular pair bond units + any children they may have).

therefore, women choosing to devote energy in fostering a community OUTSIDE of this is what is actually the radical thing. it's not to say you can't want to pair up with a man and prioritise him above all else, but don't... lie to me about it? LOL. it's the dishonesty i find irksome.

i am lucky in that the closest friends i have now are like me, chronically single, though i do wonder how that might change if they ever do find long-term partnership. i also understand the anxiety, paranoia and sense of inadequacy attached to all of that. but that's the thing... none of the people advocating so hard for how feminist and transformative romance is have women like me in mind and what community WE can conceivably have once everyone else is off finding their own HEA. and it's very frustrating when those same people get patronising towards us with empty platitudes about "not needing men" when they themselves still have one, still pick their man over us no matter the strength or longevity of our bond prior to his existence, it's all talk and no action on their end. and it frustrates me to no end because in a scenario like mine why wouldn't i therefore NOT care that much about romance or even come to actively resent and despise it?

but no we all just have internalised misogyny, of course.

[xxxsharpcheddar]

It looks like you have no interesting at this point in working through this with him and you want to start over with a new person. It very much appears that you still love him with what you post about him. I am not saying your timeline of events is wrong, I am not suggesting that anyone coming forth isn’t being truthful. My guy did something similar nearly 10 years ago and I dumped him. He embarrassed me. My friends and family supported me, this same community supported me. I pushed him away. He got better, he wanted to change and he did. We didn’t talk for about two months. He never left my mind, not for a second. My friends said it was a mistake, the community said it was a mistake, I knew in my heart I wanted him. It took almost a year because we agreed to be in a relationship again. It took time but we got through it. We grew together. Our relationship got so much deeper and more intimate. It transformed how I look at the world and how I understand love and commitment. We have been married for almost 6 years now and I know I made the right choice for me to work it out. You and I are different people, and you have every right to choose to deal with this however you deem necessary. There is not a wrong way to process your anger and sadness.

I hope that either all of us or none of us are judged by the actions of our weakest moments but rather by the strength we show when and if we're given a second chance. No need to post or respond I just wanted to tell you that you have to be truthful to yourself and you can’t allow external pressures to make your decisions for you. Most will ever know how deeply you hurt or how deeply you love the person that hurt you. But I do. It was so hard to forgive him and work through this. I’m thankful I didn’t give up on my heart and the future father of my children. He would burn this world down just to keep me from being cold. You don’t find that in a person that hasn’t walked through fire to get back to you.

Best of luck,

Whew, thank you for sharing this with me. I think I loved the version of him that he painted for me. I don’t think I ever really knew this person. I fell in love with his manipulation tactics. I am mourning what I thought we had and what I envisioned we would become. But when I read those first batches of texts, my heart sank because the person I fell in love with could’ve never done that to me. This was a stranger who had been living in my house for over a month and letting me waste time and money on flights to visit him. I’ll never truly know if he is actually remorseful or just sorry he got caught.

I definitely think relationships can be worth pursuing if a mistake was made and everything was done in their power rectify it. Monolith-ad never acknowledged it. He kept spinning his web of lies and was so confused he started arguing his own texts.

“He would burn this world down just to keep me from being cold.” I love this. I even told him I don’t want a hero. I don’t want someone who’s trying to save the world. I want the villain, if that means putting me above other “conquests” or whatever validation he got from entertaining everyone else.

I think it’s a sort of high for him, among other things, and I hope he gets help. But the fact is I never knew this man. He knew me to my core, and he exploited that. Before I even knew the whole scope of this, and I was talking to my friends about what to do next, my friend said “love is not enough.” If you can disrespect someone you “love” to such an extent, I don’t want to be loved by you. Because that isn’t love.

I know I’m still in the depths of my pain and I am cynical and jaded. I think your experience is painfully beautiful and I do believe in second chances given the right circumstances. I dream about him most nights and wake up in a cold sweat or crying, so he clearly hasn’t left my subconscious. Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable experience. I know you said I didn’t need to respond, but I really appreciate the honesty and vulnerability

[lateatnewyork]

Angst Prompt List

“I didn’t want to hurt you. But I also couldn’t stop.”

“Just let me go. Please, I want to leave.”

“Pushing me away will not help you.”

“I don’t feel safe with you anymore.”

“Did you really believe I cared for you?”

“You deserved everything that happened to you.”

“I know you don’t want to do this. But I’m afraid you must.”

“You can’t even see how much you hurt me.”

“Stop giving me hope. It hurts so much more.”

“Our forever seems to have been short-lived.”

“I’m done. Do whatever you want, but do it without me.”

“Stop trying to make it up to me, you can’t!”

“Ignoring the problems will not make them go away.”

“How could I ever trust you again after this?”

“You’re not deserving of me.”

“I thought we were friends!”

“It was all just a sick game to you!”

“Why would you want to hurt me like this?”

“They told me not to trust you, but I didn’t listen.”

“Will you at least tell me why?”

“I’m sorry, but I had to.”

“Did you really never see it coming?”

“I wouldn’t call myself a traitor. I just look out for myself.”

“You’re so naive, it’s almost adorable.”

“How could you do this to me?”

“I must be a great actor if you believed me that easily.”

“You’re the last person, I would have thought could betray me.”

“Next time think twice before you trust someone so completely.” “Oh believe me, I will.”

“I always told you that you’re too naive for this world.”

“What kind of person could look me straight in the eye and lie to me, just to stab me in the back, the second I let my guard down?”

“I hope I could teach you a useful life lesson.”

“You… why did it have to be you?!”

“I almost hate doing this to you. But not really.”

“You lied to me! You lied to me over and over and over again!”

“How could I ever believe another word you tell me?”

“I won’t be able to buy you that ring, but I can buy you enough time to get out of there.”

“You can’t hold them off alone!” “Not forever. But for now.”

“Is there any plan in your brilliant head that doesn’t involve one of us as a sacrifice?”

“We can’t kill them! You will also die with them!” “Dying a hero would suit me well, I think.”

“It’s ok. I will be fine. You need to go now.”

“Everyone or no one! None of us will just be left behind.”

“I don’t want to hear another word from you. You will not sacrifice yourself for this!”

“It’s me or you. And in this case, we need you more than me.”

“Don’t even think about it!” “I need to do this!”

“We won’t make it both. We got to choose.”

“I guess one of us has to die a heroic death.” “Don’t be so dramatic.”

“So this is probably the end for me. One kiss for a selfless man?”

“No sacrificing bullshit! It’s you and I together, remember?”

[petitelepus]

FOX'S WEDDING, PART 13

KITSUNE!RENGUKO KYOJURO X FEM!READER

Summary: Your brother's wedding is over and life continues in Rengoku household. Senjuro surprises you with an unexpected request.

Warnings: None

A/N: Female Reader, Kitsune Kyojuro, Kitsune Senjuro, Kitsune Rengoku, Monster Musume!AU

PART 1 II PART 2 II PART 3 II PART 4 II PART 5 II PART 6 II PART 7 II PART 8 II PART 9 II PART 10 II PART 11 II PART 12 II PART 13 II PART 14 II PART 15 II PART 16 II PART 17 II PART 18 II PART 19

After your brother's wedding and Kyojuro's proposal life went back to normal… Or as normal it could be with you and your fiance sharing loving looks and couple kisses here and there every second you could. You were enjoying breakfast with the fox brothers when suddenly…!

"I want to go to school," Senjuro said and you and Kyojuro blinked. You put your morning coffee cup down and looked at the younger Rengoku brother. "School?"

"Yes." He nodded, much to your confusion, "Wait, hold on!" You shook your head, puzzled, "Why do you want to suddenly go to school?"

"Other kids of my age go there. Why shouldn't I?" He sounded genuine and you couldn't understand it. Didn't he have anything he would want right now? Kyojuro smiled as he looked at his younger brother, "Is there a reason you would like to go to school, other than the fact that kids go there also?"

"We all know I won't be the next head of the Rengoku household." Senjuro looked a little sad, but determined, "But this way I can have more chances and open doors in life, other than serving our house."

Hearing his you kinda understood his reasoning… But you were still unsure.

"Are you sure you want this?" You asked, "School can be hard when…"

You wanted to say when someone is different, but you didn't want to be rude. You were just worried since you were different also, but Senjuro has fox's tail and ears! You feared that he would become the main target for bullying.

"I understand it can be hard," The young Kitsune nodded, "But I would also like to have more friends. I love hanging around with you guys, but I think I need friends of my age."

In a way, he was way more mature and definitely way more courageous than you ever were. You admired and feared it. Finally, you sighed.

"Alright," You nodded as you grabbed your phone from the table and opened the contacts list, "I'll contact Mister Smith and ask him to prepare everything. I think he will happily help us with possible paperwork."

"Thank you!" Senjuro cheered happily and his older brother smiled, but then you realized something you hadn't thought of before.

"Wait, how old are you guys?" You asked and Kyojuro smiled brightly, "I'm 20 in human years!"

Senjuro nodded, "And I'm 14."

"Human years?" You blinked, "I, uh, okay? But, you're not a boy anymore!" You gasped, "You're a young man already!"

"Ha ha, thank you," Senjuro smiled, "I'm not that old yet though."

"You are way more mature than I was the same age as you are." You confessed before choosing Mister Smith's number and you excused yourself from the breakfast table so you could talk to him in peace.

While you were talking on the phone, Kyojuro turned to look at his younger brother, "I'm proud of you Senjuro! I'm happy to see that you have dreams you want to pursue!"

"Thank you, big brother." The young fox nodded a little shyly, "I'm nervous, but also very excited for a chance to study and get new friends."

Kyojuro smiled. While he and his brother were royalties, that didn't mean that they had many friends. Many other extraspecies or demihumans served their house, but the fox brothers grew up with very few friends, due to many fearing their temperamental and traditional father.

Seeing that Senjuro wanted to grow independent and gain friends of his own was a huge step and made Kyojuro so happy and proud of his younger brother.

A minute or two passed before you finally joined the fox brothers at the breakfast table. You took a seat and nodded, "Okay, I talked with Mister Smith and he said you can start school in a few days."

"Really?" Senjuro's pretty eyes widened and he smiled happily. You smiled also since his smile was contagious and you had more great news.

"Yes, and what is best, the school also has many other demihumans attending it so you shouldn't feel lonely there!" You said and both brothers smiled in joy as they looked at each other.

"Did you hear that big brother? I won't be alone there!" Senjuro asked and Kyojuro nodded with a huge smile on his face, "Hm! I'm extremely happy!"

"We should go shopping you some school supplies like your own backpack, books, notebooks, pencils, and such." You said as you counted the items with your fingers.

"That sounds like fun!" Senjuro nodded, "When can we go?"

You glanced at Kyojuro who nodded, "No time better than present!"

Hearing this, you nodded, "Yeah, we can go now since all the school supplies should be on sale right now."

"I'll go get dressed!" Senjuro said happily, but you stopped him with a small laugh, "Hold on, at least finish your breakfast first!"

"Ah, I'm sorry!" He quickly sat back down and you watched how he quickly consumed the rest of his toast and tea before getting up from the table and rushing to his own room upstairs to get dressed. You smiled as you watched him go, but your fiance could see the uncertainty in your pretty eyes.

"Does it trouble you that Senjuro wants to go to school?" He asked and you dropped your smile as you turned to address your fiance.

"A little…" You admitted and he nodded with a small smile, "Why?"

"I was… I was bullied when I was young like he is…" You admitted as you looked sadly down at your lukewarm coffee, "I just… I care about Senjuro and I'm afraid that he gets bullied just because he is different… Does that make any sense?"

"Don't be scared, my bride," Kyojuro said as he gently reached for your hand and gently squeezed it, "Senjuro is stronger than he may appear. His kindness is his strength."

"I know…" You nodded, "But kindness can be both strength and weakness…"

Your mind was quickly filled with different and scary scenarios that could happen to Senjuro while he would be in a school where you couldn't protect or watch after him…! Your fears must have been obvious because your fiance noticed them.

"I know you are scared." Kyojuro squeezed your hand reassuringly, "But getting hurt is part of growing up. We want to keep Senjuro safe, but he has to do this himself."

"I guess you're right…" You nodded, finally giving him a small smile, "And I hate it."

Your fiance was all smiles as the two of you finished your breakfast, cleaned, and went to get dressed so you could take Senjuro out to shop for school supplies. You had gotten a list of the books he would need from Mister Smith and the local mall's bookstore had everything you needed from books to pencil cases and the pencils themself.

You were looking at the backpacks when you took notice that both Kyojuro's and Senjuro's hair had gotten pretty long.

"Boys, your hair?" You blinked and they turned to look at you in confusion, "Yes?"

"It's gotten long." You noted and the foxes looked at each other before nodding, "I guess you're right!" and "It is pretty long."

"Would you like to get it cut or…?" You asked and they looked at you, "Would you like us to cut it?"

"Honestly?" You smiled a little, "I think they suit you guys. Maybe you could tie it up so they won't get in the way?"

"If my bride likes it then so do I!" Kyojuro exclaimed happily and Senjuro smiled, "Me too, I would also like to keep it."

"Then it's settled. No haircut for you guys." You grinned, "But let's get you something to eat since it's almost lunchtime."

"Hm! Sounds good!" Kyojuro nodded excitedly and you and Senjuro smiled at the older fox's appetite. Thanks to the younger Kitsune's magic, he muted his older brother's shouts of TASTY so you wouldn't disturb other diners.

While you were eating, you couldn't help but notice that it was the exact same burger place you had gone to the day you met the Rengoku brothers. It brought back memories that made you smile as you watched your finance shout TASTY after each bite of his burgers.

Once you had eaten you grabbed all the stuff you had and made your way back home and… Things went normally until the morning it was time for Senjuro to go to school came.

On your way to the younger fox's new school, you and the brothers talked together about school and what to expect. Until now, the two of them had been homeschooled so they had no clue what a normal school would be like.

"So there are art classes and home economics?" Senjuro asked and you nodded as you explained to him how easy some classes were, to you at least, and what classes were hard, again to you at least.

You took notice of many different demihumans going in the same direction as you were going in also so you were probably in the right place. Soon you saw the huge building and you stopped by the school gates and admired the building. It looked modern so that was a bonus.

The kids of different kinds passed you and you realized that it was time for you to let Senjuro go and explore a new part of his life.

"Okay, we are here." You nodded as you looked at Senjuro who looked at everything with such awe. "So many other kids…!"

"It's not too late to say that you want to be homeschoo-! Wait! Isn't that-?" You blinked as you saw the super cute fox keychain you had gotten from the Zoo hanging on Senjuro's backpack.

The young fox glanced at what you were looking at and smiled, "Ah, yes, I wanted to put it somewhere I can see it all the time and remind me of how fun I've had on our trip to the zoo during Summer."

Senjuro was honestly too cute and pure for this world but he was willing and ready to face it! He was far more braver than you ever were. You smiled as you went ahead and hugged him, "Have a great day at school and stay safe!"

The young fox nodded as he hugged you back, "I will!"

"Get tons of friends!"

"I'll try!"

"And don't break any ladies' hearts!"

"I won't!"

When you were done hugging him, Kyojuro stepped forward and patted the top of his little brother's head, minding his fox ears, "Remember to have fun!"

"I will!" Senjuro repeated before turning and entering the school grounds. You and Kyojuro watched him go until he made it to the building and then-!

"I've decided it!" Kyojuro suddenly exclaimed and you yelped, flinching a little before blinking in confusion as you turned to look at him, "What?"

"I'm going to get myself a job!" He nodded with his chest up proudly.

"W- what!?" You stuttered in shock, "W- why?"

"Back at your brother's wedding, I promised your father that I would do all I can to support and keep you safe!" Kyojuro smiled, "That includes me getting a job!"

"Kyojuro, you don't need to get a job to impress me!" You cried out, but he shook his head, determined, "No, I made a promise to your father and I am a man of my word!"

"My dad-!"

"Cares about you, his only daughter! So do I!" He looked at you and smiled, "My beloved Hime, if I break my word to your father then I'm not worthy of you!"

"You are worthy!" You exclaimed, "More than you think! It's me who isn't worthy of you!"

"I disagree-!"

"Me too-!"

The two of you paused, realizing that you were nearly shouting at each other at the school's entrance gates. Not wanting to make a scene, you both took a deep breath as you stepped aside to talk.

"I'm sorry," You apologized, "If you want to get a job then you can, but I don't want you to feel like you are forced to get one."

"My beloved, I don't mind working at all! Even more, I like doing it if it's for my cute bride's sake!" Kyojuro said, but you shook your head, "But you've done so much already!"

"But I could do more!" He exclaimed and you sighed, getting tired of this little dispute of yours, "Alright, alright… Just… Promise me that you ask me first before you accept any job offers?"

"Do not fret my dearest bride!" Kyojuro smiled as he gently grasped your hand and kissed your knuckles, "I know Mister Smith can most likely help me to find a job that suits me!"

"Just…" You murmured as you pulled your hand back, "Can it wait for a day or two?"

"Why?" The Kitsune asked, slightly confused by your request.

"You know…?" You blushed as you averted your gaze, too embarrassed to look your fiance into his gorgeous eyes, "Full moon is coming in a few days…?"

Hearing this, Kyojuro's fox ears shot up and his smile tightened, "Hm?"

"I was thinking… Maybe we-! I mean, if I could try something new with you?" You asked as you looked at him from under your eyelashes, "Something to make you feel good also?"

As Kyojuro registered your words, it was like something snapped in him. Suddenly he just hugged you and you yelped as you were being embraced, "K- Kyojuro?"

"I'm just so happy how sweet and kind my beloved bride is!" He pulled back enough to smile at you, "Then please, I will take up that offer of yours!"

"P- please wait a few days so I can prepare my heart!" You yelped as you got flustered and Kyojuro laughed, "I'll always wait for you, no matter what!"

Your blush just got worse as you heard him talk that way, so sweetly and kindly. Your mind wandered into what you had in your mind for the night of the full moon and you smiled in a mixture of nervousness and excitement.

"What are you thinking about?" Your smile didn't go past your fiance and you covered your smile with your hand, "Just the full moon…"

"Something naughty?" He asked, hitting the point head-on and making your blush grow darker as you nodded, "Yeah…"

"I can barely wait to see what my Hime has planned!" He said happily and you grunted, "C'mon, let's head home… We look like a couple of weirdos out here."

"But I'm your weirdo as much as you are mine!" Kyojuro laughed and you gently and a little playfully smacked his arm, "C'mon you damn fox!"

The two of you left the school area but as you walked your hands sought out each other and you held hands on your way home, occasionally and sweetly squeezing the other one's hand, assuring you were there for each other.

[my-deer-history]

Francis Kinloch in Müller's letters to his family: Part 2

These extracts are from Johannes von Müller: Sämmtliche Werke, volume 7 (1810).

My translations here, original German and French transcriptions below the cut. Paragraph breaks added for clarity, and descriptive passages included in full for the Vibes.

19 May 1775, to his family

My situation is the happiest that you can imagine; the view from here is, beside the one from Bessinge, the most beautiful in the area; the clear view over the lake and into Switzerland is better than from Bessinge; my house is on a hill, the banks are covered with meadows, gardens and vineyards and appear to me like a great garden;

my friend is one of the most virtuous and flawless men, and our new occupation is the mutual effort to make each other ever more perfect; our business is that which I would choose from among all the occupations of humankind; everyone, even the farmers of the town, praises our quiet and industrious life.

It is quiet without being lonely, because many of our friends visit us now and then, or we them, for lunch or supper. A few days ago we were in Bessinge, yesterday Mr Tronchin came to me, on Tuesdays we are invited to dine at his home. At the end of the month, Bonstetten will come to me for a few days.

Everyone endeavours to contribute to our pleasure, and never in my life have I enjoyed something so great, so innocent, so full of learning. Although we have only been here for 19 days and are not bored, I feel like it has been 19 weeks: we have worked so much and it seems so improbable that I would be able to do all of this in so few days.

6 June 1775, to his family

An extract of a letter from Mr Thomas Boone, Esq., Mr Kinloch’s guardian: “With infinite pleasure, I assure you that of all the deeds undertaken by my young friend since he left me (and he has not done any that displease me), none have met with so much of my approval as the attainment of your friendship. If he had sought out scenes of luxury and wastefulness, he could have obtained the acquaintance of young people of the highest rank; closeness with the man of merit, genius and learning is not so easily established: planning, a desire to learn and morals are part of this. To attain your friendship, Kinloch must have had merits. As his friend, you will be pleased to hear from me that in his entire life he never made an acquaintance that was not creditable to him. I have sincerely discovered such insight, such cleverness in him, that I have decided to let him be the master of all his future dealings. I ask that you convey this to him; he will hear it with doubled pleasure from the mouth of his friend. Wherever you may be with him, he will, I am sure, learn more with you than at any other place. When he enters onto a larger stage, I will  advise him thus: at present he needs no guidance but yours. I approve of your plan entirely. You made Kinloch and me happy.”

I wrote to Mr Voltaire, who lives very close to us, a few days ago to say that K and I would like to come to him. [...] As he presented Mr Kinloch to the ladies, he said: “Here is a man, who comes from the land of savages but who does not look it!” He asked me where my tutor was? And then said to those present: “this young man with the face of a fifteen-year-old is himself a tutor; but simultaneously a historian of Switzerland; he has, like Aeneas, journeyed to the shade, that is to me.” Soon thereafter we were like old acquaintances. He has published a new text on the existence of god. The tall olive-coloured savage and the young delicate Swiss historian send their friendly greetings.

July 1775, to his parents

After a few days, according to his promise, my friend Mr v. Bonstetten came to me and also stayed with us, to our great joy. Our rooms are currently all occupied and my happiness has naturally been greatly multiplied by the union of my two friends, the white and the brown.*

[...]

My friend Kinloch and I are thinking to leave Chambeisi towards the end of August. From there to Lausanne, to Vivis, through the Bernese highlands to Thun, up along the Thun and Brienz lake to Haßli, over the mountains into the Urfern valley, out to Altdorf, overland to Unterwald, overland to Schwyz, past Gersau to Lucerne and Zurich, along the lake to Glarus, down the Rhine valley to Appenzell and St Gallen, from there to Constanz, and from there to Schaffhausen, through the four forest towns to Basel, through Pierre Petruis to Solothurn, then Neufchatel, Bern, Freiburg in Uechtland, Valeyres, back to Chambeisi through Waat, where we spend the winter with the sciences and Mr Bonnet's friendship.

*Kinloch, who appears to have had a notably darker or more tanned complexion to those around him.  

A map of the route, as best as I could get it to match up. Click for better quality, or view the interactive version here.

19 May 1775, to his family

Meine Lage ist die glücklichste, die du dir vorsstellen kannst; die Aussicht von hier ist nebst der von Bessinge die schönste dieser Gegenden; vor der zu Bessinge hat sie den offnern Horizont den See hinauf und in die Schweiz zum Voraus; mein Haus ist auf einem Hügel, die Ufer sind mit Wiesen, Gärten und Wein bewachsen und fallen wie ein großer Garten in mein Auge; mein Freund ist einer der tugendhaftesten und vollkommensten Männer, und unsere einige Beschäftigung ist die gegenseitige Bemühung, einander immer vollkommener zu machen; unsere Geschäfte sind solche, die ich unter allen Beschäftigungen der Menschen auswählen würde; jedermann, selbst die Bauren des Dorfs, rühmt unser stilles und arbeitsames Leben. Still ist es ohne einsam zu seyn, denn viele unserer Freunde besuchen uns bisweilen zum Mittag oder Nachtessen, und wir sie. Vor einigen Tagen waren wir zu Bessinge, gestern kam Hr. Tronchin zu mir, Dienstags sind wir eingeladen bei ihm zu speisen. Am Ende des Monats wird Bonstetten auf einige Tage zu mir kommen. Jedermann bemühet sich zu unserm Vergnügen beizutragen, und in meinem Leben habe ich nie so vieles, so unschuldiges, so lehrreiches genossen. Ob wir wohl erst 19 Tage hier sind und keine Langeweile haben scheint mir diese Zeit 19 Wochen zu seyn: so viel haben wir gearbeitet und so unwahrscheinlich scheint es mir, daß ich dies in so wenigen Tagen habe thun können. 

6 June 1775, to his family

Auszug eines Briefes von Hrn. Thomas Boone, Esqu. Hrn. Kinlochs Vormund: “Mit unendlichem Vergnügen versichere ich Sie, daß unter allen Handlungen meines jungen Freundes, seit er mich verlassen (und er hat keine vorgenommen, die mir mißfallen) keine bei mir soviel Beifall gefunden, als die Erlangung Ihrer Freundschaft. Wenn er sich in Scenen von Wohlleben und Verschwendung begeben hätte, so hätte er die Bekanntschaft junger Leute vom ersten Rang erhalten können; Vertraulichkeit mit dem Mann von Verdienst, Genie und Gelehrsamkeit ist nicht so leicht errichtet: Plan, Lernbegierde und Sitten gehdren hiezu. Ihre Freundschaft zu erlangen, mußte Kinloch Verdienste haben. Sie werden als sein Freund mit Vergnügen von mir vernehmen, daß er in seinem ganzen Leben keine Bekanntschaft gemacht, die ihm nicht rühmlich gewesen. Ich entdecke wirklich solche Einsichten, solche Klugheit bei ihm, daß ich beschlossen habe, ihn künftig Meister aller seiner Handlungen zu lassen. Ich bitte Sie, sagen Sie es ihm; mit doppeltem Vergnügen wird er es aus dem Munde seines Freundes vernehmen. Wo sie auch mit ihm seyn mögen, wird er, das bin ich sicher, bei Ihnen mehr lernen, als an allen andern Orten. Wenn er ein größeres Theater betritt, so will ich ihm rathen; gegenwärtig braucht er keinen Rath als den Ihrigen. Ganz und vollkommen billige ich Ihren Plan. Sie haben Kinloch und mich glücklich gemacht.”

Hrn. von Voltaire, der ganz nahe bei uns wohnt, schrieb ich vor einigen Tagen, daß ich mit K. zu ihm kommen wolle. [...] Als er den Damen Hrn. Kinloch präsentirte, sprach er: “Sehen Sie einen Mann, der aus dem Lande der Wilden kommt und dem man's nicht ausieht!” Mich fragte er, wo mein Gouverneur sey? und dann sprach er zu den Anwesenden: “dieser junge Mann mit dem Gesicht von fünfzehn Jahren ist selbst Gouverneur; aber zusgleich des Schweizerlandes Geschichtschreiber, Er hat wie Aeneas eine Reise zu den Schatten gethan, d. i. zu mir.” Bald darauf waren wir zu Ferner wie alte Bekannte. Er hat eine neue Schrift von der Existenz Gottes herausgegeben. Der große olivenfarbige amerikanische Wilde und der junge zarte Geschichtschreiber der Schweiz entbieten ihren freundlichen Gruß

July 1775, to his parents

Nach einigen Tagen kam zufolge seiner Zusage mein Freund, der Herr v. Bonstetten, zu mir und blieb zu unsrer großen Freude ebenfalls bei uns. Unsre Zimmer sind gegenwärtig alle vertheilt und meine Glückseligkeit ist durch die Vereinigung meiner beiden Freunde, des Weißen und des Braunen, natürlicherweise sehr vermehrt worden.

[...]

Mein Freund Kinloch und ich gedenken Chambeisi gegen Ende des Augusts zu verlassen. Von da nach Lausanne, nach Vivis, durchs Oberland bis Thun, den Thuner- und Brienzersee hinauf nach Haßli, über die Berge ins Thal Urfern, hervor nach Altorf, anzuländen in Unterwalden, anzuländen in Schweiz, Gersau vorbei nach Luzern und Zürich, den See herauf nach Glarus, das Rheinthal herunter nach Appenzell und St. Gallen, von da nach Constanz, und von da nach Schaffhausen, durch die vier Waldstädte nach Basel, durch Pierre Pertuis nach Solothurn, hierauf Neufchatel, Bern, Freiburg im Uechtland, Valeyres durch die Waat zurück nach Chambeisi, woselbst wir bei den Wissenschaften und Herrn Bonnets Freundschaft den Winter zubringen. 

[sinfulpunishment]

✎ᝰ┆… And To Letting Go

─❏ Warnings: none

─❏ Characters: Oda Sakunosuke, mentioned Ango Sakaguchi

─❏ Synopsis: Read by a man standing in front of his friend’s grave in the rain.

─❏ A/N: part two of the oda goodbye letters

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

Dearest Ango,

I am well aware that last we spoke it was not on… the best of terms, but I am also aware that there must be a reason for your actions. I don’t believe I blame you, nor am I really upset with you.

Besides, you should be focused on other matters and not any guilt you may feel for what you’ve done. For example, you should be getting more rest instead of staying up so late to do work, maybe then you wouldn’t have to rely on coffee so much. At this point though, I know your coffee order, but it’s very simple: two shots of espresso, and sometimes a biscotti alongside it. Though, I know you prefer the coffee I make over any other coffee shop nearby. It’s strange, I wouldn’t say that my coffee is any better than someone who dedicated their life to it, but if you really like it that much then I’ll always make you a pot.

I am sorry things aren’t going to be able to go back to how they used to be. I know it’s hard, our time together meant a lot to you, even now I can tell it’s hard for you to let go. Sometimes I also catch myself daydreaming of a time in which we all are free men, and we can lead normal lives together, as friends. I know you like antiques, right? I wish I could have gone antiquing with you then. I also wish we all could have gone somewhere like the beach together, or maybe even the aquarium.

But we can’t. Things are different now, and soon I won’t be with you two anymore.

I only hope that you continue to do what’s right, you are a rather kind person deep down, I know that. I hope you’re able to hold onto a copy of that photo of us, just for yourself, that way you can at least have a picture to capture that small period of time. I still want you to be able to let go though, you’ll have to, you cannot get stuck in the past and what could have been. By the time you read this, what’s done will have been done and there will be no turning back.

Just promise me this much: that you’ll take care of yourself and Dazai, for me.

For you, treat yourself well and take care of yourself, learn how to make your own espresso or find a coffee shop you really like. Try getting more rest too, and remember not to let your work completely control your life.

As for Dazai, just keep an eye on him. I do not know what path he will walk down, if he will stay in the Port Mafia or leave to find a better life; Of course, I hope he chooses the latter.

I know you could help him get out of any serious trouble, he doesn’t always make the safest decisions. But, he’s smart. He may not always seem to make the “best choices”, but things always seem to work out for him, he always plans ahead. Even if he doesn’t like you, not that I think that he absolutely hates you, he is still bound to you by the bond we all formed.

If you ever visit my resting place, don’t bring yellow flowers, Dazai hates yellow and we both know he’ll visit me too. Maybe bring a bottle of Scotch and two shot glasses, open a bottle for me and save me a glass.

Oh, before I forget, you did know of my dream to be a novelist, right? To sit at a desk, with a window overlooking the sea so I can hear the waves crash to the shore with a certain rhythm to it that you have to spend years around to even understand—I’m getting ahead of myself.

I wanted to leave that novel to you, Ango. I trust that you can write well, and you would know what I would have liked to read. It’s just that this is very important to me. Of course, you don’t have to. Make sure to leave me a copy if you do though, maybe even come and read it to me if you have time, I know you’re a busy man.

I know things are different between us, but I still wish nothing for the best for you, my friend. Don’t forget to visit our usual spot every now and then, greet the bartender for me, won’t you?

This is goodbye now, write for me.

To the stray dogs, and to letting go.

— Oda Sakunosuke

to an overworked friend.

[casualjacobwrites]

FFXIV Write 2024 Prompt 07 - Morsel

Continued from last prompt. (Reminder I’m using the prompts to tell a single story versus standalone prompts.)

I’m just going where the vibes take me. Right now I’m telling a story and setting up a crisis that will push our two boys, Emmanellain and Sicard, into each other’s arms.

Reminding myself that I don’t have to be perfect. Just get it done and turned in.

Spoilers for Endwalker.

Word Count: 1,260

Marina paused to draw in a shaky breath. With damp eyes she continued speaking. "If I had known what he did, I never would have agreed to join him. Then again, if I had not, I never would have had the opportunity to save them."

The way she tried to emphasize her goodness made Sicard suspicious. It could be she felt guilt for choosing a bad partner, but it might also be a ploy to distance herself from blame so when the truth came to light she could put it all on her lover's shoulders. He had known his fair share of villains and had a keen sense for manipulation.

"I believed his experiments were agricultural in nature," she continued. "I didn't want to believe the rumors about the island laboratories. No upstanding Garlean wanted to think our late emperor would condone such things." She looked into his eyes as if imploring him to believe her. "The moment I realized what was truly happening, I knew I had to save those unfortunate souls."

Something about the way she referred to the victims as "unfortunate souls" annoyed him. Still, he kept his mouth shut so she might finish explaining how she came to be stranded in the middle of the sea with a deck full of dead sahagin.

"For over a year I tried to plan our escape, but it wasn't until recently an opportunity presented itself."

"The End of Days," Sicard said.

Marina's brow furrowed. "I-is that what they called it? I only know that, over time, we received fewer and fewer communications from Ilsabard. Then, one day it stopped altogether. That was weeks ago."

"An' no one tried to leave to find out what was happenin'?"

She shook her head. "There are protocols in place. The laboratories are designed to operate independently of the Empire, and should Garlemald fall, the legatus in charge will then destroy all evidence of their existence. Only Roland hesitated to issue the final command."

"Just enough time for the enlisted and conscripts to decide they'd rather live."

"How astute of you, Master Spence," Marina smiled, though it was far from happy. "Several fled on supply ships, others attempted to seize command from Roland."

"I assume they failed."

She nodded. "But amid the chaos I was able to free the subjects and board this ship."

"That included the sahagin?"

"Yes, those brave creatures were able to fend off the few soldiers who were still loyal to Roland."

"An' Roland is your, ah, what did you call it? Paramour?"

"Was my paramour, yes." She wrung her fingers together in her lap.

"I suppose he was none too happy to see his lover runnin' away with all his secrets." Sicard tugged at his lower lip as he considered everything Marina told him. "Still doesn't explain what attacked your ship."

"It was Roland."

"As I told you earlier, whatever killed those fishbacks wasn't a man, Garlean or otherwise."

Marina shook her head with such violent force it caused her hair to fly of her shoulders. "No, no, it was Roland. As we sailed away I saw…I saw him…change."

Sicard froze. "Change how?"

"I don't know how to describe it, not exactly. One moment he was on the shore shouting orders. The next there stood a beast unlike any I have ever seen." A tremor ran through her body as he recounted what she'd seen. "He attacked his own men. Devoured them whole and tore through them. Those he didn't kill, th-they changed too."

"Wastgeim is ready to take the passengers across," Emmanellain said, oblivious to the terrifying revelation just delivered by Marina. "Perhaps my lady should be the one to let her friends know they've been rescued." He offered her his hand.

"Oh, yes." She accepted the help and stood.

"After you." Emmenallain bowed and let her pass him. Just as he was about to follow her to the cargo hold, Sicard seized the hem of his coat and yanked. The elezen stumbled backward then fell onto his rump. "What?" Upon turning to see the grave expression on the other man's face, he cocked his head to one side.

"We have a problem."

"I should say so. Do you know how delicate the stitching is? It could have ripped."

Sicard ground his teeth. "Sod your stitchin'! I found out what attacked this ship."

Emmanellain paused in his examination of his sleeve. "Oh?"

"It's a Blasphemy."

"A Blasphemy?" the elezen shouted. Upon being shushed by Sicard, he lowered his voice. "Are you sure?"

"Fairly certain, assumin' Marina is tellin' the truth that is."

"Why would she lie about such a thing?" The way his face twisted in confusion at the suggestion Marina might be dishonest was enough to make Sicard snort.

He's too trusting by half, he thought. "Lots of reasons, but I suspect we'll learn more once we can question those folks hidin' in the cargo," he said. "Here, help me stand up. I need to get back to the ship."

Getting to his feet proved more difficult than Sicard thought it would be. Without Emmanellain's solid form to lean against, he doubted he would have managed on his own. The edges of his vision darkened while his head pounded in a brutal rhythm.

"Are you sure you're safe to walk across?" Emmanellain put Sicard's arm over his shoulder and wrapped a hand around his waist.

The hyur smiled at the apparent concern in the other man's tone. "Well, I can't stay here. There's no grog."

"I don't think a drink will help in your condition."

"It won't hurt, neither."

With a resigned sigh, Emmanellain guided Sicard back to the steps leading up to the deck. Given the narrow space, he had to walk behind the hyur while holding onto his hips to make sure he didn't fall. When they were back on the deck, he returned to his side.

Seeing that her captain was injured, Wastgeim rushed over. "Captain, are you all right?"

Sicard waved her off and gestured toward the hatch with his thumb. "I'll be fine after a drink. You get down there and find out what you can from our new passengers. I want every morsel of information you can squeeze out of them. Once they're settled on the Astalicia report back to me."

Wastgeim saluted with an, "Aye aye, sir," then hurried to the door.

"Perhaps I should also lend a hand," Emmanellain suggested. "Miss Marina will surely feel more at ease with a gentleman such as myself by her side."

Sicard rolled his eyes and shoved the elezen away. He staggered a moment before regaining his balance. "Go on then. I don't need your help." Even to his own ears he sounded like a petulant child. "Take care of your new friend." Hurt and anger welled inside him, though he couldn't understand why. He started toward one of the planks connecting Marina's ship with the Astalicia in what he believed was a straight line only to end up several ilms to the right of said plank.

"What is wrong with you?" Emmanellain darted to his side and quickly put an arm around him again. "You're going to fall overboard."

Despite Sicard's grumbling and complaints, Emmanellain managed to successfully guide him back onto the deck of the Astalicia. Once there, Sicard shoved him away and called for one of the crew who knew a little bit of conjury to meet him in his quarters. A puzzled Emmanellain watched the hyur leave the deck, unable to explain to Honoroit what just happened.

[cheemken]

KNIGHT I GOT ANOTHER AU IDEA FOR THE CHAMPIONS

You ever watched Final Destination? Or any of its sequels? Anyways if you haven’t, it’s pretty much starts with a group of people getting into an accident and all of them dying with the main character seeing everyone’s death before dying themselves. But then the MC “wakes up” a couple of minutes before the accident happens, they make a scene and scare the people in that group into getting away from the accident, saving their lives. But then they all start dying in the order the MC saw because Death is coming for them

Anyways, for this AU we’re gonna ignore the last sentence cause it wouldn’t work with this AU. I just needed something for an example

For this AU idk who we’re going to make the “Main Character” whether it be one of our favourites, Diantha or Iris, or one of the other champions?

Or maybe even ALL of the champions saw their deaths? Idk you can chose your favourite

But yeah, the scenario I had was either the Villain teams from each region kidnap and kill the champions in a show of power, to say that even the strongest trainers cannot stop them, or a Pokémon causes mass destruction around the world and none of the Champions would stop it

For the first scenario if we go with it, I imagine the villain teams teamed up with each other to form Rainbow Rocket, and decided to announce their alliance by killing the champions and declaring the world is THEIRS to rule

Like they sent grunts and admins to attack the cities where the Champions live. I fully believe the Champions are capable of winning this fight but for people like Lance, Cynthia, and Iris, they have family living in the same city/town. I bet they used that to their advantage and went after Drayden, Clair, and Cynthia’s sister and practically used them as a shield. Told the champions to surrender and mocked them for choosing to save their family over the thousands of people they could be saving instead

So yeah, they all eventually get kidnapped one way or another and get killed by Team Rainbow Rocket. But then they wake up a few days before it happens with the knowledge of what’s to come within the next days

But idk, it’s 11:00pm and if you have a better scenario then I’d love to hear it. Or if this makes much sense lmao

Ohhhhh👀👀👀

No shit I and my friends only saw some of the death scenes in those films lol and we watched it in the school's library back then during our elementary years hahahah it was an experience man, surprising we didn't get caught especially w how gory it was hahaha

But damn that's cool tho👀👀 low-key that reminds me of the rebellion au where the champions died, but at least in this au they could somewhat stop the threat instead of just dying like that bc they were caught off guard or luck just weren't on their side

But that's gotta fuck em up tho having to dream abt their deaths or at least being in that kinda position, having to decide which is more important, their family or the people of their region/the world

But like yknow, imagine too bc if that came to them as a dream, just how much of it will they actually believe?? I haven't watched any of the films btw so like spare me if some of the stuff I say doesn't fit hahah but y'know, some aren't even sure if it's truly a premonition of their deaths, or if it's just a bad dream and nothing more. Cause maybe some of them were sceptical abt it, maybe they were just being paranoid y'know, but it's also a bit of a wake up call that yeah they have to deal with the evil orgs as soon as possible lest the nightmare turns to a reality, and they'd rather not risk that

They'd be so paranoid tho real, like, imagine Lance being more desperate to find Rocket and finally put an end to them, he's losing sleep bc of it, looking at every nook and cranny on both Johto and Kanto; Steven and Wallace didn't think Aqua and Magma would be such a threat, Sootopolis became so heavily guarded now, the orbs were with Wallace; Cynthia's like really stressed out man, making sure Dawn and Barry doesn't get involved and coming in terms her childhood friend is probs really gonna kill her if she doesn't stop him; Iris became more adamant on stopping Plasma too, almost as desperate as Lance, but there's also that fear that maybe if she leaves Opelucid to hunt down Plasma smth might happen to Drayden; Diantha is also stressed af my guy, if smth happens to her brother, that's really gonna be her villain origin story and if anything, she'll dragb Lysandre to hell with her; Hau's not sure how to approach it too cause y'know, Lusamine is his friends' mother, what whould Gladion and Lillie even say, I mean tbf their relationship w Lusamine isnt all that well anyways, but still, maybe he'd be more cautious now; Leon already had a bad feeling abt Rose, so now he's making sure Hop and Gloria doesn't get too close to the chairman, if whats in his dreams are true, then he has to find the legendary wolves too, and who else knows more abt it than Sonia; Idk what kinda stuff Geeta would have to deal w anyways, maybe the AI profs?? But that'd be dope tho if they become somewhat sentient enough and like, idk, hc that Geeta and Sada/Turo aren't in good terms, and like the AI got corrupted maybe?? Not sure w this one hahah

But man that's dope, like, the paranoia y'know, having to see in great detail just how they're gonna die, and if not them, then their loved ones, or even the people of their region

[philhoffman]

The summer is almost over and I can't leave the season without this classic—Almost Famous (2000), dir. Cameron Crowe. I used to think it was a perfect start-of-summer film, but I'm realizing may be better suited to these late August, early September weeks.

I read a comment the other day from someone who was not the biggest fan of Philip Seymour Hoffman's acting, who said the real test of his skills and legacy would be which of his performances would stand the test of time. They doubted any of them would—he didn't have any "iconic" characters, they argued.

While I obviously disagree with their entire assessment—for just one example, The Master and his other projects with PTA will be/remain classics 50 years from now—it did make me think. Phil was, though it's a touchy term, often described as a character actor. Even when he was a leading man, he wasn't playing himself. An actual quote from him in 2002 I just found: "Even if I was hired into a leading-man part, I'd probably turn it into the non-leading-man part." He doesn't have an Indiana Jones, a James Bond, but I don't think that disqualifies him from having iconic or lasting characters.

That's what came to mind rewatching Almost Famous tonight, and I might argue Lester Bangs is PSH's most iconic character. If you consider the ratio between screen time and cultural influence, there's probably zero competition among his roles—under eight minutes of screen time vs. untold thousands of people who still quote, gif, share, gif, write, post, and otherwise remember and feel inspired by his words, over two decades later. (Dusty Davis might be the second-most influential, considering how many people got into storm-chasing thanks to Twister). He's a voice for generations of music lovers, film lovers, everyone who watched Almost Famous for the first time and fell in love with its magic or sided with Bangs' cynicism.

What does it matter what some stranger on the internet says, anyway. Whether people will be watching dozens of his films in 80 years or just a few or none at all, we're watching them now. Last night I found a tribute from film critic Brian Tallerico, from the days after Phil's death: "In Mary and Max, [PSH's character] Max says... 'We can, however, choose our friends, and I am glad I have chosen you.' Hoffman felt like more of a friend than another actor. And I am glad he chose us."

Patrick Fugit, playing William Miler, was just 16 when he starred in Almost Famous, his first movie ever. Phil was violently sick with the flu while filming, sweating and shaking and throwing up between takes. But he still found time to look out for others. Patrick wrote this remembrance of working with Phil, which is making me cry a lot as I reread it tonight:

They had lit the scene quite bright from the outside and the light was just behind Philip. So every time I would look at Philip, I would start squinting and my eyes would start watering, so I would kind of look down at the paper pad to pretend I was writing. They kept telling me, “Hey, you have to look at Philip when you read your lines.” I didn’t know how to say that I can’t actually physically keep my eyes on Philip but Philip had been watching me. He’s like, “Guys, c’mon! Can’t we move the fucking light? I mean, the kid can barely look across the table!” And he and [cinematographer] John Toll kind of got into it. John was like, “We’ll adjust it a little bit but the light’s there for a reason, buddy. We got to light the scene.” Philip said, “Fuck lighting! Do you want it to look fucking good or do you want the kid to be able to act!” ... Then they’re like, “Okay, we’ll move the light,” and then we shot the scene. But it was the first time where I got in a situation where I didn’t know if I could stand up for myself. And he just stepped up and did it for me. And then he kind of looked at me and smiled and said, “Dude, if something’s bothering you, you have to speak up.” I was like, “Okay, yeah, yeah, totally.”

[libertyreads]

May TBR--

Thanks to my newly minted library card, this is not all of my TBR for the month of May. Just the books I currently physically own. I’m so excited for the reads for the month of May. I get to start my Murderbot Diaries reread and I get to check out some books that have caught my eye but not held enough interest for me to actually go out and purchase them for myself.

1. Daisy Darker by Alice Feeney (Library)-- This is a Murder Mystery set on an isolated island. Daisy Darker’s family has never been what one would call functional. After years of avoiding each other, the family is assembling for Nana’s 80th birthday at the crumbling gothic house on a tiny tidal island. When the tide comes in, they’ll be cut off from the rest of the world for eight hours. Each family member arrives while harboring secrets and then at the stroke of midnight, as a storm rages, Nana is found dead. And an hour later the next family member follows. This is a retelling of sorts of the Agatha Christie story ‘And Then There Were None.’

2. Rookie Move by Sarina Bowen (Library)-- Leo Trevi has spent the last six years trying to do two things: get over the girl who broke his heart and succeed in the NHL. But, on the first day he’s called up to the show, Leo gets checked on both sides. First, by the team’s coach who has a grudge; second, by the team’s sexy, icy publicist--his former girlfriend Georgia Worthington.

3. Greenglass House by Kate Milford (Library)-- This one seems to be a Middle Grade Mystery/Fantasy novel about a place called Greenglass House. It’s a creaky smuggler’s inn that’s always quiet during the wintertime. While Milo, the innkeepers’ adopted son, planned on relaxing during his holidays, things get thrown off course by the ring of the guest bell. It rings again and again. Soon, Milo’s home is bursting with odd and secretive guests who each bring a strange story that’s connected to the old house.

4. Demon in the Wood by Leigh Bardugo (Library)-- This one seems to be a graphic novel version of the Darkling’s history and backstory. I think it’s the only Grishaverse thing I have yet to read. I was never interested in buying it so I’m glad I finally have my library card and can read it for free.

5. Neverworld Wake by Marisha Pessl (Kindle)-- This is a YA Mystery following a group of friends a year after the death of their friend Jim. His girlfriend Beatrice has questions she wants answered and their meeting again gives her that chance. And then a mysterious man knocks on the door and announces the impossible: time for them has become stuck, snagged on a splinter that can only be removed if the former friends make the harshest of decisions.

6. A Study in Drowning by Ava Reid (NetGalley)-- A Fantastical Dark Academia novel that looks like it will be everything fans of Dark Academia could ever want. Since childhood, Effy Sayre has been haunted by visions of the Fairy King. She’s found solace only in the pages of Angharad--author Emrys Myrddin’s beloved epic about a mortal girl who falls in love with the Fairy King and then destroys him. Effy’s tattered copy is all that keeps her afloat through her stifling first term at Llyr’s prestigious architecture college. So when Myddin’s family announces a contest to design the late author’s house, Effy feels certain this is her destiny. 

7. The Marriage Act by John Marrs (New Release)-- From the author who brought us the insanity that was The One, comes a new Mystery/Thriller. What if marriage was the law? Dare you disobey? In near-future Britain, a right-wing government believes it has the answer to society’s ills--the Sanctity of Marriage Act, which actively encourages marriage and punishes those who choose to remain single. But four couples are about to discover just how impossible relationships can be when the government is monitoring every aspect of our personal lives and will use every tool in its arsenal to ensure everyone will love, honor, and obey.

8. All Systems Red by Martha Wells-- I’m finally starting my reread of The Murderbot Diaries! I cannot explain my excitement. I’ll just quote the GR synopsis since there’s so much I could just burst forth with already. “In a corporate-dominated space-faring future, planetary missions must be approved and supplied by the Company. For their own safety, exploratory teams are accompanied by Company-supplied security androids. But in a society where contracts are awarded to the lowest bidder, safety isn’t a primary concern. On a distant planet, a team of scientists is conduction surface tests, shadowed by their Company supplied ‘droid--a self-away SecUnit that has hacked its own governor module and refers to itself as ‘Murderbot.’ Scornful of humans, Murderbot wants to be left alone long enough to figure out who it is, but when a neighboring mission goes dark, it’s up to the scientists and Murderbot to get to the truth.”

9. The Beauty and the Beast (Minalima edition) by Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve-- I’m so excited to read this interactive, illustrated version of the original story. The epic love story follows a beautiful young girl imprisoned in the magical castle of a monstrous beast.

10. The American Roommate Experiment by Elena Armas-- This is a standalone romance novel that is set after The Spanish Love Deception. But I’ve been reassured that I don’t need to read that one first. In this novel, we follow aspiring romance author Rosie Graham whose life is a little up in the air following her quitting her well paying job. But through a misunderstanding Rosie and Lucas both end up staying at her friend Lina’s apartment. They end up trying to break Rosie’s writer’s block in some unexpected ways.

[nebulouscoffee]

10, 15, 35, 43 for the Trek ask game?

Thank youuuu and sorry for the late answer! Love these questions <3

10. Which alien pet would you most want for your own?

Honestly I have always been very charmed by Worf's childhood pet domesticated targ (portrayed by Russian wild boar Emmy-Lou😂) - but I would happily adopt a Bajoran hara cat, Cardassian vole, or that cute lizard who climbs over Jadzia on the jungle planet

Anyway look at this lil guy!!!

15. Top 3 favorite alien crewmembers?

Oooh, this is tough. Am I choosing my favs overall, or based on how much I like their alien-ness specifically? If it's the former, then Kira, B'Elanna, and Dax - if it's the latter, then Odo, Worf, and Saru (Discovery). (Deanna and Kes leaving you out Hurt Me but they didn't write you alien enough for the latter list!! Still top 5 favs though <3)

35. A minor character you wish had become a main character?

Okay let's talk about the long-form arc potential both Seska and Suder had. Literally my favourite thing about the Suder episodes is the questions about restorative justice they raise- is there any point in locking a man up after he's sincerely reformed and no longer dangerous? Is it possible to be? Is it fair to the victim's loved ones to give him the right to roam around like nothing happened? What sort of thing could count as "reparations" in Voyager's situation? What if they really had been stranded with him for 75 years? Would he ever have been able to move on from what he did? What sort of hobbies might he take up in his new life? What would it take to win Janeway's trust? Would the victim's friends ever forgive him? Would he rather disembark the ship and start anew somewhere, or remain with his own people? Would he have been able to make new friends? Are you reading this string of questions in Jonathan Frakes's voice too? Would our main characters all have been able to get past his actions? Would it cause disagreements? How would his relationship with Tuvok have progressed? What issues would their getting back to Earth early raise for him? ... Aaaaand then the show decided to give us none of that😂 (well. except for Jonathan Frakes in a brief cameo that is :D) As for Seska I really don't know what they were thinking with her lol. She starts off as such a promising villain- literally the "reveal" in 'State of Flux' gives me chills! And you can actually understand her actions, her unexpected attachments to Chakotay and the crew. Instead of the whole pregnancy subplot (which made no sense) I would've loved to have seen her grow increasingly afraid she'd made a mistake in teaming up with the Kazon, and try to defect back to Voyager - the questions that would raise would be similar to Suder's, though in this case a bit more personal for characters like Chakotay and B'Elanna. Is she for real? Is she just doing this to trick them again? How do the Bajoran crew members feel about this? What would it take for her to win back people's trust? Say she does something messed up again, does she get a third chance? Would she make friends with Seven of Nine; someone she never personally betrayed who is also seeking redemption for past actions? Society if we'd gotten her as a regular character all the way till S7 - like an actually great redemption arc, where she ends up on good terms with a lot of them by the end (sort of like what they did with Garak on DS9) - ahhh the possibilities!!!

43. Order of shows from most to least favorite?

This is hard😅 okay I'm going to tier rank them that's easier!

Fav tier: DS9 (It's the best <3) Second tier: TNG (I can't not put it here this show literally changed my life) & VOY (has wonderful characters and has also become very important to me) Third tier: TOS movies (love them), Discovery (I have developed a nostalgia for it by now. Plus Michael is blorbo!) Fourth tier: TOS, SNW, Enterprise, Lower Decks (shows I've enjoyed but only really seen once so far) and I guess the AOS movies lol (imo 'Beyond' is the best one) Fifth tier: Picard (if it was just the first season it would've been higher! I actually liked that one) & the TNG movies (ugh) (I am yet to see TAS and Prodigy)

[secondgenerationnerd]

Ceridian meeting the Omega👀half of them would swoon over him I know that lol

I mean…you ain’t wrong 😂😂

———————

“Sooooo,” Colin looks at Jai, “Remind me who we’re meeting?”

The speedster scrolls through his phone—social media or research article? Hard to say sometimes— before looking up, “Ceridian. Well, our universe’s Ceridian. He’s the son of Dad’s friend, Garth.”

“He’s Atlantean, right? Like Artur?” Colin says it casually, but a knowing look passes between him and his girlfriend. Lian reaches over, smacking him with her paperback. “What?!”

“Off limits, Bi-panic—”

“Excuse me, Jon currently holds that title—”

“Hey!” Jon glares at them, cheeks red. He and Mar’i had been leaning against the rails, watching the waves crash along the rocky shore. While there aren’t any people around, they still have to readjust to the noise. At least enough to hear their teammates shittalk. “It was one time! And you asked infront of my mom!”

“You still never answered the question!” Lian teases, “I don’t see how hard it is to choose someone else on the team to date—“

Walking back from the end of the dock, Damian’s hand in hers, Irey coughs before shooting Lian a look. The archer pretends not to notice. Jai notices and shoots a look back, “Yes, Iris Anne?”

“Jai Bartholomew, tell your girlfriend about stones and glasshouses.”

Mar’i snorts and slides her hand into Jon’s. The simple silver diadem across her brow compliments her impossible green eyes and dark curls. In her favorite, simple dress and flats, a passerby would think she’s a normal teenager…unless they knew that diadem isn’t an accessory. No, it is a physical reminder of her place, her role, her responsibilities….and Mar’i holds her head high.

Lian dramatically sighs, getting between the bickering twins, “Anyway, last time we saw Ceridian, we were 7 years old, way before Mar’i ever showed up. He was this scrawny kid, great swimmer, very gullible—“

“What did you do?” Milagro asks.

Before Lian can answer, Jon looks up. He nods to the water in front of them, “Here they come.”

Two blurs beneath the surface race toward the dock, then launch into the air. Wood groans as the teenage boys straighten. Both look to be about their age, sea water dripping down their suits. Not unlike a diver’s suit, the fabric hugs their bodies, even more dripping wet.

The first, with a trident in his grip, is a handsome young man, damp curls closer to brown than golden, sea green eyes taking scanning the area. Prince Artur, Heir to the Atlantiean throne. His golden-orange top remind them of his father’s suit, but patterns peak through the fabric. Letters? Ruins? Magical wards? With the trident in his hand, he looks every bit the ruler he’s destined to be.

The other young man shakes his dark hair, pushing it behind his ears. Like Mar’i, his eyes are a pupil-less, though pitch black. Though he’s fairer than the Prince, dark blue top making him seem paler, when he stretches, muscles ripple down his arms and back. When he takes a deep breath, the gills on his neck flutter.

“Mierda,” Milagro murmurs, Colin nodding in agreement. Jon’s gotten very interested in his shoes, blushing. None of the others move.

It’s Mar’i who moves first. Waking towards the two, she cups her hand, pressing the side of her palm to her chest, then out to them. A Tamaranean greeting of respect she once called it. “Prince Artur. I trust the seas were calm.”

“The gods favored us today, Princess.” The golden haired boy presses the back of his fist to his forehead, the Atlantean equivalent to Mar’i’s gesture. They don’t Royal kids, dude. Artur gestures to his companion, “I don’t believe you know my second in command, Ceridian.”

Another exchange of respectfully gestures, then Ceridian tilts his head, taking in the beauty. Like he’s trying to place her in his memory, until finally saying, “You’re Koriand’r and Dick’s daughter.”

“That obvious?” She laughs with him, “I’m sorry we couldn’t meet sooner. I didn’t come to Earth until I was 7.”

“After your mother passed, which I’m sorry to hear. My father speaks highly of both your parents.”

“Thank you.” Mar’i straightens at that, head held higher. “My father talks about yours the same. I’m shocked it took us this long to meet.”

“I haven’t been to the surface in years. My studies and duties kept me busy. It’s not an easy task protecting this royal dunce.” Ceridian grins at the Prince. Artur scratches his face, not so subtly flipping him off. Pupil-less eyes drift over to the group approaching them. A smile plays on Ceridian’s lips, “Jai West. See you haven’t blown yourself up.”

“Is that anyway to greet an old friend?” Jai scoffs, hugging the teen. “Puberty hit you hard too, huh?”

“I take it Lian was talking about how scrawny we were as children?”

The archer snorts, hugging Ceridian, “you remembered me!”

“Hard to forget the girl who’s fish cuss worse than her.” Ceridian grins at Lian. His eyes soften at the redhead beside her, “Hey, Ires.”

“Hey, Ceridian.” Irey smiles quickly, blush spreading across her face as they hug. Oh, there’s a story there, but Mar’i doesn’t register it.

“I don’t think you got to meet the others?” Mar’i holds her hand out to the other four. Greetings and introductions go quick. Damian shakes Ceridian’s hand, a death grip on the Atlatieans hand.

“Ooo, Jealous Damian.” Lian teases. Irey turns red again, smacking the archer’s arm.

“Back to the tower?” Mar’i suggests, “Maxine should be there when we arrive.”

“Who’s Maxine?” Artur asks, using the trident as a walking stick.

“And is she single? The Queen is desperate to have her son betrothed—“ Ceridian snickers, jumping out of the prince’s reach.

“I could have you exiled—“

Lian shakes her head dramatically and sighs, “Will the royal children ever think of a better threat than exile?”

Artur and Mar’i exchange a look, then nod, speaking in unison, “Talking to you.”

“HEY!”

[theluxuriansecret]

Dearest Diary 07282023

1:03 pm

Okay. It's time to start healing and truly prioritizing myself. The last 72 hours have been so fucking chaotic like the shit is not funny. The moon was in scorpio, Venus is retrograding and so many things are just happening it's getting fucking scary. It's showing me that I am not healing the way I need to, and I'm not moving on the way I say I am. I'm participating in things I told myself I wouldn't. This is the post where I lay every fucking thing on the table. Every bad feeling, ever mistake, everything in my head. A total and complete dump because I refuse to bring any of this with me into August.

Let's start from Wednesday. I clocked into work and I receive an email from my ex with the subject line "Peace ?". Bruh, I was as peaceful as I could get before you messaged me that shit. He explains to me how he doesn't like how the bridge between us burned and how in our lives, we rarely make as meaningful connections as the one we had. I explained to him that I think that the connections we make mean something for sure, and each connection is different than the next, but not every connection we make is meant to last. I just don't believe that. He told me he even spoke to his new girlfriend about contacting me and that she's as understanding of the situation as she can be. Which, I feel kinda bad for her because, if my boyfriend came to me and was telling me how he wants to reach out to his ex girlfriend to rekindle, I'd be sick to my stomach soooo fucking bad. Having a connection to him does not benefit me and I lack to see where a connection to me would be beneficial to him too. I can't stand to be his friend. I can't stand to see how it was so easy for him to move on after everything. I can say that truly I am happy to not be with him, and that I do not want to get back together. But you found someone so quickly. You found someone new before we completed a full orbit around the sun from when we ended things. Like thats insane to me. And then you drag her into your past by trying to reconnect with me, that doesn't sit right with me. Quite frankly, I don't think thats fair to her, me, or him. Our communication this last time around wasn't bad, but I don't see how consistent communication would be beneficial.

Next, we have J..... I have got to let this fucking man go . Like it is mental illness atp. So let's go back through everything. Let's break it down. I met him last September on bumble, we chatted, shit was sweet, we hooked up. THE only difference between him and everyone else is two things. The first thing being that he was the first person to make me feel something since I had ended things with my ex. Was it all in my head? yeah. unfortunately. That was not his fault, but entirely, entirely mine. So we met up a few times, he made me feel love where none was present, and then he ghosted me. Obviously fucking up my ego because I had never been ghosted before by someone I felt something with and I really took a blow. I didn't handle it well at all. Like, was truly down bad. I turned to other men, obviously that didn't help. It just made me feel worse. He then comes back and I let him back and he gives me chlamydia. Cool. Even then I still can't get over it. He is still on my mind. I still watched out videos, I still listened to him say my name and tell me to cum for him. I still looked at picture of him in my phone, I still wished for him to come back. Why? I want him to choose me, why? I have no idea. I wanted to be chose by him. He made me feel special, although those were never his intentions, thats what his actions relayed to me. That how I portrayed that, and again that's no one else's fault but mine. Anyway that leads me into what I did yesterday. I was stalking his page as I do and I saw a comment under a picture of his dog that says "my little baby" for some reason ever since I saw it's been ringing in my fucking head, and it will not go away. I accidentally like the fucking comment like a fucking moron idiot. I unliked immediately. Long story short, he went private again haha. As he should, please block me tf out because I'm losing my fucking mind over you. I ended up blocking him. Blocked all his accounts on both my accts. I need to move on because it is actually causing harm to me. Emotional cutting if you will. I need to really heal. He didn't like me, he didn't want me, he never felt that way about me, he never ever did and he never will.

Lets move on to F..... . To be honest, I have very little to say about him because I was really over him after the first time he severely disrespected me, but he made me realize how scared I was to actually be alone. Thanks for that fucking lesson my guy. He also taught me not to tolerate disrespect. Ever. Not for a second. He did something unforgivable to me and I didn't address it the second he did it. What did he do? I don't think I've put it into words here, so let me do that now. He woke me up to have sex and then when i turned around his phone was out and he tried to hide it. What he was doing on his phone was between him and god. I really wish I slapped tf out of him for that. I really wish I got up and was like nahh and left and never communicated and never saw him again after that, but no, I let it slide, I let way tooooo much slide with him. I wish when he told me at the bar that "the only reason people were speaking to me because of him" that I walked out and left him there. I literally drove us there. Would have been the ultimate pay back. I can't go back and change the past, and I won't blame myself, but I do know better now so I will not stand for it. He also taught me not to lower my standards cause if we're being for real that mfker was UGLY. No more ugly men, never ever ever ever. I rather be alone than tolerate disrespect from an ugly man. YUCK.

Moving on to my rebound. I actually feel kinda bad that he was a rebound because I wanted him before I met F..... and he's a nice guy but thats it. ALSO, also, I'm doing the same shit with him that I did with J.... . Which is truly unfortunate. Making things out to be what they aren't. Okay lets tell his story because I really was so hesitant to speak on him at all with anyone or here because then it makes it real. I don't want it to be real. Anyway, lets call this man JC. I met JC back in February when I was initially dealing with getting over J.... . I went up to him at the club and if im being completely honest, I don't know what the fuck I could've said to this man because I was so so drunk. He messaged me on instagram about seeing me, but he wasn't really making plans, so I would never see him. I made it clear that I wasn't on instagram often and that when/if he dmed me I wouldn't see it until I opened the app. Anyway, after I cut F.... of I did the sam exact thing I did with J.... and hit up a bunch of guys I knew wanted me, him included. We ended up hooking up and like he's cool. But that it. He's just a nice guy who I'm attracted to and I've occasionally hooked up. My mistake was when I started to visualize what it would be like to be with him. I don't even know him. We don't speak on a day to day. We only speak when he hits me up for convenient sex. Which, I don't complain about because I go over there every single time. Even last time when my heart was screaming no, I still said yes. Will is say yes next time? I don't know. The only difference is like the things he would say, but I'm self aware enough to know his actions do not match his words. One time we linked, he brought up that when he texted me about my scent, it's because he smelled it and thought of me. Which is sweet. And then he told me that he would think if me every thursday when he had football because they would practice really close to the school that I attend. Like... Then the very last time I saw him, in between our kisses we were talking about my scent again and I told him I wore the one I knew he liked, and he said he liked both (in regards to me wearing a different perfume) and then he said "i like you" but like obviously his actions don't reflect the actual like that I feel like he talked about. like. He doesn't go out of his way to talk to me, or to see me often, or he isn't that interested in really getting to know me outside of only wanting to know me because it makes him feel less shitty for just sleeping with me.

I think it is truly time to start rebuilding my self esteem and my self worth and working on a deeper self love because whatever I thought it was before, is not. That small little foundation I have built has crumbled and I've made myself sad again. I need to put myself first truly. I need to respect my wishes and my desires. I need to say no when I mean no. I need to value myself higher. I am worthy something whether I am poor or rich. I am worthy something whether I am the most beautiful or the most ugly. I am worthy something just because I exist. I am worthy. I deserve love and respect because I exist. And I need to start acting like that.

SOTD: I Gotta Find Peace of Mind - Live by Ms Lauryn Hill